#and why my shoulder fucking KILLS
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Search engines really need a toggle for “just the facts please” vs “some maniacs discussing this on Reddit”
Because sometimes I’m experiencing things science has yet to explore and I need the maniacs to validate me
#chronic illness shit it like that#the scientific papers are like#doctors have not thought to ask patients about this#nor have they bothered to look into it#and everyone on the EDS subreddit is like#Yes!!! the Thing!! the Weird Thing we all experience!!!#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronically ill#chronic fatigue#ehlers danlos syndrome#technically this is about#endometriosis#and why my shoulder fucking KILLS#during penetration. but only sometimes
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light yagami :3
#death note#death note fanart#light yagami#art#digital art#me i drew this#my shoulder is fucking killing me why tf did i draw for like 3-4 hours straight no breaks#hope the background doesnt look too bad i didnt rlly know what i was doing lmao
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i just don't understand what milady has done that was so bad. sure she killed and she kidnapped, but who hasn't? sure she's a terrifying demon of vengeance, but she deserves it? good for her??? all these men treat her so reprehensibly and she's smart and talented and she should kill them all if she wants to. i support her.
#she did something to get the fleur de lys branded on her shoulder but i haven't been able to figure out what. she just. stole something?#and then her husband found out and tried to murder her???#get that asshole baby i got your flower#kill him and then kill d'artagnan i will be here rooting for you#her brother-in-law just imprisoned her in his castle because he got a letter from some guy saying she wants to inherit all his money#fuck youuuuuuu. you're on my shitlist#if she wants to kill you for your money she should be allowed! god! and that's not even why she's there anyway!!!#les trois mousquetaires#milady de winter#my posts#and like HAS she killed someone? i actually can't remember anyone she's killed. she kidnapped mme bonacieux#and she tried to kill d'artagnan a bunch of times but has not yet succeeded#and she tried to have d'artagnan kill this other guy but he didn't#and she was miffed when her brother-in-law failed to die in a duel#but so what! she should be allowed!!!#<-edit i wrote this when i hadn't finished the book yet but now that i have finished it and she has killed people: SO WHAT! SHE SHOULD BE#ALLOWED!!!!
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Sophie Shepard & Kaidan Alenko (ME1) 1/?
MIRA'S MORE CANON ME1 "After everything that happened with Zaeed, Caleston, and the Villa? I think need to tell you a few things about BAaT." "Well, after everything that happened with Zaeed, Caleston, and the Villa? I think I might owe you an explanation about how I really know Anderson." AKA: Zaeed Massani and the case of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad message ping. :) Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#kaidan alenko#shenko#mass effect#mass effect legendary edition#me#dailygaming#morecanonmasseffect#otp: you’re real enough for me#hi my name is mira and i like taking the most convoluted route to make gifs of my blorbos :)#the devil on my shoulder told me to do an LE1 mesh swap and i should not have listened lmao but IT TURNED OUT CUTE SO IT WAS WORTH IT :)#alright if we’re nailing down canon all of this happens at the villa technically?? so not even on the normandy lmao but we don’t have that#so this is as close as i could get it. and soph pulling up kaidan felt more canon to me in the ✨context✨#so we MESH SWAPPED BABY and now i have the power of kaidan alenko as shep to make AU gifs#LE1 mesh swaps might hurt my soul but eden prime calls my name :)#all of this happens at soph’s favorite spot overlooking the villa which is where they have the baat/anderson conversations :)#the most canon thing from this is the interruption of the kiss which isn’t joker in soph’s canon it’s zaeed lmao#he bypasses the mute on her omni-tool to bug her about coming to grab his shit from the normandy he didn’t grab earlier in the day#the eye roll in that one gif? she is internalizing her rage#her inner thoughts are literally something along the lines of#‘zaeed massani i am literally going to fucking kill you and strip your viper for parts’ in canon lol#i said fuck it to me1 canon and decided they get together early. caleston is the first mission. it just makes sense for them honestly#i could go on a 30 rant tag about just that but i think it’s just like a *when you know* and a trust thing#especially for soph who has issues trusting people and there’s always been a feeling in the back of her head of knowing she can trust him#and in soph!canon i think it goes the same in reverse for kaidan because i think there’s sort of a ‘lone biotic’ stigma around him#and i think they were both drawn to each other because it was easy to see *someone* to trust under the lone biotic and the sole survivor#‘someone’ i use that word a lot in canon :) but i think they’re both trusting of each other early on because they see foils in one another#and i think they both feel on the outside a bit in a way. kindred spirits. which is probably why they fall hard fast :)#i probably ranted too much like i always do because i treat the tags like a TEDtalk but have a good day as always friend! 💙
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was just watching a video on what to do if you feel unsafe in public bc of a man and i remembered how i made a guy backtrack and lift his hands in surrender bc of the way i looked at him after he touched my shoulder LMFAO
#he was like. making some type of comments you know the usual and i was ignoring him obviously but he walked up to me#AND TOUCHED MY SHOULDER?#the way i was ready to tear his fucking throat out with my bare fucking hands ohhhh my god i still see red when i remember it#it’s one thing to get catcalled it literally happens SO much that i don’t notice it anymore but to TOUCH someone?#i just turned my head and looked at him and he had backed up like two steps already when i got my bearings enough to tell him#don’t FUCKING touch me and he was like ‘damn fine’ and i was like ????????? why do you sound like IM the one being insane#but also i don’t like people touching me in general let ALONE strangers i was literally ready to kill him honest to god
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A-!
#my stuff#i decided to be SO BRAVE#and very politely text one of the Not My Ex organizers of the grad student queer group#asking if i could get a head count so i can get an idea if it’s feasible to go and have space from my ex#and i’ve heeeeeard nothing after several hours and i’m freaking out#my anxiety is killing me bc i know this other organizer is Friends with my ex and i don’t want there to be dramaaaaa!!!!#i do not want to talk to my ex i don’t want to be around them but i don’t want to miss out on talking to other ppl and having fun#but if there’s like 10 ppl total going i cannot possibly cold shoulder them without being an ass#i hate this i hate them why do i always have to be the brave one reaching out and thinking abt ppls feelings and debasing myself for nothing#can someone in this mess fucking think about me and how i’m doing for once?#without me having to check on everyone else and how they’re doing before they even think to ask how i am?#be gentle with me or kill me fucking pick damn it
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Idk if I'm gonna be able to articulate this on the fly like first thing in the morning, but. I think my ENTIRE body of work is This: Examining how family ties, bonds or lack thereof, the good and bad AND ugly, seep into every facet of who we are and how we come to interact with others. How sometimes, a family tie (or again, a Lack of one), will sometimes bleed into how you act and treat specific people. Will bleed into how you CONNECT with those people (or, will be the very reason you fail to do so).
HOWEVER. HOWEVER. THERE IS A DELICATE LINE. A BALANCING ACT. You CANNOT just simply attribute fanon flavored ideas of found family to such characters. That's too simple, and sometimes, is a complete disservice to the specific character you're working with. I am once again bringing up Chilchuck. YES, him being a dad Absolutely seeps into how he treats his party. But if you call him the party's dad, you're Insane. Do you know ANYTHING ABOUT THAT MAN???? He would prefer you didn't. But I digress. He strikes a fascinating balance, between having The Qualities and ESPECIALLY expressing his care for his party in a Really Specific divorced (separated.) father of three fashion, but that does Not make him a "dad friend". He's a professional. He's on business. He's going home at the end of the day, and at the end of this adventure he's thinking of setting up a shop. I wanted to keep this more vague and broad but like. The Chilchuck example REALLY DOES perfectly articulate What I'm trying to get at, here. He's the perfect encapsulation of How his family shapes him, how that bleeds into his relationships with others, vs Who he is as a person.
How we were raised, our family ties, whether you adhere to it or you've fallen FAR from the tree -- you still fell from that stupid fucking tree. It's in your blood. Literally. It gave you shape, whether you liked it or not. And sometimes some things just set off weird domino effects, that also affect us irrevocably forever.
WHICH IS. TO SAY. I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I'm always trying to figure that out. Found family is/can be real, you're not strictly bound by blood if you don't wanna be. BUT. The bullshit I'm constantly on, is trying to figure out how to balance all that without slotting everyone into reductive roles. I'm gay and I seek to destroy the nuclear family. Not attempt to recreate nuclear family 2.0. You CAN reconstruct What Family Is/Means from the ground up, but you have to accept that things are going to get Weird. Because you're Queer. You are fundamentally incompatible with the status quo and normalcy, the solution is NOT assimilation and palatability, the solution is to just. Get weirder. And be fluent in canon. Okay. I love you
#my notes#why am i becoming chilchuck's spokesperson. chilchuck defender.#well i can fucking tell you! it's because my dad is a divorced father of FIVE. with a drinking problem so bad#that if he didn't quit it would have killed him. and guess what! i can tell you a few things about alfonse.#the way alfonse strives to be just like gustav. idealizing him ect ect. and the way i just wanna grab him by the shoulders#and SHAKE HIM. SHAKE HIM. SHAKE HIM. snap him out of repeating the cycles by the power of friendship and gay sex#it SUCKS ASS TO SAY IT IN THE SAME BREATH. I HATE THIS AS MUCH AS YOU DO.#but if you (my own brother) are gonna end up Just Like Your Father could you at least go all the way. get divorced. for the love of god#get divorced. oh my god okay oversharing hour but the WAY. THE WAY. dad once told me#[my brother's now ex wife far as i know thank god it finally happened bu my god it took WAY too long]#but the way my dad told me once [my brother's ex wife] reminded him a bit of his second wife.#oh my god i didn't even tell you the famous dad lore. he's been divorced three times. he is THE EPIC DIVORCE MAN.#like when i look at chilchuck i go. i know this man personally. i live with him.#alfonse's case is. really. really way more complicated. like what i just said#truly is only the tip of the iceberg WHILE ALSO. SIMULTANEOUSLY. only being One Single Facet. to what he is to me.#BUT ALSO. CONSIDER. the Parallels i'm setting up between alfonse w gustav VS. moe and its mother.#okay i will not say more bc i'll talk forever. final piece i really want to throw out there is though#do you think anna's situation w her family business being The Basis of how she connects w others#do you think the WAY she and all the other annas were Raised is like. comparable to religion actually?#and ESP like. i don't know if there's any hard and fast rules or anything but she and all her sisters ARE.#PRESUMABLY. RAISED A V SPECIFIC WAY. to be highly competitive cut-throat merchants.#what does this mean for COMMANDER anna. one of (if not ONLY?) instance of an anna who fell outside of that.#also is it agab dependant? could you be amab and then later on become an anna if that's what#oh my god i'm thinking of that ratatouille post. accepting of your gender identity but NOT of your Life Choice to be a chef.#is it. exactly like that. and if you're afab and end up being trans do you just fall to the wayside?#like the point is NOT to inject transphobia in here. the point is to ask Okay HOW THE HELL DOES ANY OF THIS WORK???????#bc the Implications go INSANE. and also the point is to ask what is the funniest answer possible to any of the questions#I'M HERE TO HAVE FUN. AND BE INSANE.#like final clarification i only say religion bc that's what i'm familiar with (specifically christainity)#but maybe it's more apt -- a different flavor of traditional family culture that has strict gender roles.
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so do the rest of you guys just simplify your dreams when explaining them to people or do I just remember a significantly weirder degree of depth than the average bear
#thinking about shit like this every morning when i wake up after like#spending the past however many hours in part of a high stakes cop drama that takes place in the pokemon world#but my pokemon is actually an elder scrolls character pretending to be a weird rare pokemon because it's easier than passing as human#and the fair we are trying to get through is down a dirt road alley that's also a depressingly empty polynesian farmers market#and we gotta go fast because my irl friend who's with us really wants to have a mantine draped over his shoulders like when he was a kid#but then we find out that the mantine encounter was at the aquarium next to the fair and not the fair itself and he just misremembered#so he's all sad while we're riding go karts and dirtbikes because he doesn't get to play with the mantines#but anyway we were here for the cop drama bit because some teenage girl got assaulted and we need to beat up the perp's pokemon#(perp himself has already been bagged)#and now I'm realizing that I don't know what fake pokemon moves to tell my fake “pokemon” to use#(he's a daedric prince it's not like he'd listen to me anyway he's about to obliterate the fuck outta this sunflora no matter what I say)#which leads me to wondering why I can't think of a decent steel-type pokemon move similar to slash#(“metal claw only works if you have claws” I think to myself wondering why there isn't some kind of sword move like ffs honedge exists)#anyway he's already finished the fight so it doesn't matter we can go home back through the depressing farmers market#home is aboard a KotoR-esque spaceship of course which is good because it means I get “back at camp” dialog with my daedra friend#but he's gone now shit fuck where did he go is he killing people without me this is bad I leave and start walking through crowded streets#people are trying to sell me shit but I ignore them#I'm accosted by a guy dressed like an old-west outlaw who says that he's with the vigil of stendarr and he's here hunting daedra#I tell him to fuck off because honestly I'm no longer invested in this dream's narrative arc#(I'm trying to envision a different scenario that is more appealing to my current tastes but lucid dreaming was a lie and I can't hack it)#then I wake up#next night I dream about being an omnipotent dragon god with a marsupial pouch full of my adopted babies (JJK characters)
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they just didn't have to write him as "a great philanthropist"; "a generous benefactor of the empire bay planetarium"; "frequent officer of the empire bay press guild"; "a frequent target of political slander and false arrest because of generosity towards the press"
and at the same time write him as the first of the others to organize drug trafficking; a man who tried to kill all his competitors; "a shady bastard, even for guys in this business"; "ruthless modernizer"; a man who secretly views his close friend as a liability; "the man who killed his own boss" to take his place
"few will moan moretti's passing" from the lost heaven's newspapers and there's nothing like that in the cut-out news reports about carlo's death
#like do you remember . “Micky the Crab” who was falcone's soldier and whom falcone eventually left to clean the fucking toilets#when the guy lost almost all his fingers#and ofc i don't think this whole charade with charity and the press is sincere (can sense 100% money laundering w charity here) but#i think he still felt some appreciation for empire bay bc this city accepted & raised him instead of sicily#i believe that there were also good intentions with the planetarium and maybe other things#maybe not everything was just a money laundering#“your teeth are a gift from god u can sink them into anyone's flesh and call it an act of giving” this is what i mean#that fact that his fucking (ugly but still) MANSION is in a poor residential area it just feels like a slap#violently shaking carlo by his shoulders WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! (gets shot right after)#the fact that he had a reputation as a shady guy among the mafia and a reputation as a philanthropist in society . carlo. why r u like this#this man is a fucking contradiction in some absolutely fucked up gross way and it's killing me. wouldn't want him any other way tho#m2#like can you imagine. if he actually felt warm towards empire bay. can you imagine if he was actually interested in making this place bette#but still organized the drug trade(which is objectively even worse than a racket)#love mixed with selfishness and violence and greed and and in the end it's creation mixed with destruction#sorry i can't get my thoughts into sentences that make sense all this week#but this contrast is killing me and i think about it a lot and i just wanted to put it together in a compilation
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been planning to do my mini road trip today to get my peaches for the end of my rotting in bed vacation so OF COURSE guess who woke up with a fucked up neck/shoulder/elbow/wrist so bad that they had to cancel on themself and sit still in a chair all day waiting for the ibuprofen and the ice pack to work (and they never did work). you get three guesses
#i shall scream and scream and scream. and then go back to fucking bed.#second time in a couple months where my shoulder area in general goes Horribly Wrong for no discernible reason#yes i get that I need to start lifting some hand weights sometime but this doesn’t happen randomly#and WHY aren’t the pain meds or the ice working why does it still hurt so much#bite scream claw howl kill!#i want my goddamn peaches!!!!#aster chat
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My joints boy,,, boy my joints
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when are they gonna invent something that makes periods stop altogether this birth control aint doing shit
#i had to leave work early again because i started bleeding like crazy out of NOWHERE!!!! i thought this was over with!!#it's also insane bc i've been bleeding consistently since the BEGINNING OF SEPTEMBER#it has been very light most of the time and i thought it was actually letting up bc i've barely bled the past couple days#but suddenly in the middle of the day i just had tons of bleeding and huge blood clots again. like it used to be#why the fuck am i taking this shit if it's not fucking doing anything.#i fucking hate it here. i'm so miserable and i'm in pain because my fucking shoulders and back are killing me#i'm so tired of living like this!!! to be honest!!!! :(#i also feel pathetic bc of my double shots yesterday so i'm just really tired on top of it all. god whatever. sorry for this post.#chatpost#i took two ibuprofen before i left work an hour ago and either it's not doing anything or hasnt kicked in yet because i also have a fucking#headache :( im so sad
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'close your eyes and only open them when the voice tells you to.' < see it's fine he'll wake up. Okay we're good i don't have to blow everybody up.
#'one day i'll let him out.'YESSSS YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! SECURED VICTORY FOR DOG/GOD BROTHERS.#clutching god by the shoulders sobbingg. i was so worried about them.#elijah kept telling me to kill them (and called dog an 'FEV reject') and i've neverrr felt more hate towards a fictional character.#why don't you fucking try it elijah i'll snap your neck. Fucker. Asshole. grinding my teeth.#.txt#it's so . high stress for me this mission because i haaate it when supermutants of any kind get hurt and this quest-#has a majority in endings that explicitly kill both of them. worries me so bad.
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I need my whole body to be put in like. A rock tumbler or concrete mixer or something dude. I need to be tossed around like a sack of flour until all my muscles reset and all my bones either break or go back to where they're supposed to be
#my ribs are burning my neck is stiff my back is aching#my knees r killing me even my shoulders and ankles and elbows feel off#and I have no idea WHY#I think I'm gonna b getting strep pretty soon but even then I usually don't feel like This when I'm getting strep#I tested negative for Covid n I haven't been exposed to anything so idfk what's up :(#I can't imagine it's Just from the car ride back home on Friday but why the fuck else would it b doing this#armchair speaks
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I'm not even asking for much literally I just need a job like that's it just a job that won't literally kill me would solve like 70% of my problems and well the other 30% I can't do anything about anyway so let me fix what I can fix and give me a job PLEASE
#I am literally begging someone. anyone#I can't help that my sense of self-worth has become inextricably tied to whether or not I have an income I can't#so please just let me not feel worthless and give me something to DO#I am so tired. so FUCKING tired of this cycle. why is it so bad right now what is even happening#YOU HAVE 10 OPEN POSITIONS AND I'VE WORKED FOR YOU BEFORE. YOU BEGGED ME TO STAY WHEN I QUIT. WTF#literally like I am so. augh#things are so bad right now like in general but also for my family specifically. we have not been this bad financially since I was a kid#except it's 5 adults in the house living on like 1 and a quarter incomes#and the 1 stable income is $18/hr#for five people#FUCK. what the hell#like I know I made the right choice quitting my last job because I WOULD have killed myself if I didn't but now I'm just a burden#I hate everything#it took so fucking long and so much work to get that shitty horrible job and now I'm back where I started#god#fucking yanks 18-year-old me's shoulders and shakes him until he decides to get his shit together and stay at college#like god please just get some fucking adderall and you'll be fine I promise#sorry this is just. I'm not okay. haven't been okay in a while. and I don't know how I'm ever going to get to a point where I'm okay again
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im gonna fuckingggg. kms.
#hoooly shit i want to dieeee why dont anyeoneee why doesng anyone everrr. ok well im what if i killelddd my self hih what then .#would you love me then would you show me some fucking love then.#would you love me if i just showed you how much you fucking hirt me huh#would you realize. wpuld you even care?#am i nothing to you? all those times we hung out we ate shitty food and watched bad films together#all those times i held your hand#all those times you cried on my shoulder. all those times i cried on yours#did they mean nothing? i was just your type huh?#i was just the type of person u liked and once i changed and u found someone else thats exactly like the person i used to be you date them?#do you want me to fucking kill myself? im going to shoot myself infront of you#i hope it makes you feel something for someone you hurt for once even if its just disgust.#🌑🔪 || frey#ughhfff. i feel so stupid#○》 🌑🧷 || no voice to cry#.°•` 📓 || original
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