#and when one of those little scenarios or analyses becomes interesting enough to me it becomes a comic

[blueskittlesart]

how do you come up with ideas for your comics? :?

yeah ok so the trick is to be crazy

[bloody-bonesaw]

WTNV 192 + AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF SCREENSHOTS FROM ‘CAT BALLOU’

I told you I was gonna do it. 

-

First, I’m just gonna acknowledge how cool it is that Fink and Cranor even bothered to make these moments from the episode match up with the timestamps from the film, I love that they’re always trying to include their audience in fun little ways like that.

So the way I’ve decided to do this is go through the episode and compare every moment the movie is given any sort of description, until the point I’ll elaborate on later, where Fink and Cranor clearly take over.

-

“the television turned itself on, and there she was: the Columbia Pictures statue famously morphing into a cartoon and firing off her pistols. I knew exactly the movie, and I couldn’t turn away.”

Yep, this is completely accurate to the film, not much to speculate on here, here’s that clip for anyone interested:

-

“But soon, I started to notice the face. At around 15 minutes and 30 seconds, between the two balladeers, in the far background there’s the city courthouse. Just to the right of the front door is a man. He appeared as a black smudge at first, but the longer I looked the more I could see that thin mouth, those threatening, beckoning eyes.”

First thing I wanna pick up on here is that this line is actually delivered wrong in the episode. Cecil accidentally says “around 15 seconds, and then 30 seconds” instead of “15 minutes and 30 seconds”. Clearly, this isn’t a big deal, I just enjoy finding little things like that when I go through the transcripts.

Here’s the screenshot of 15:30 from the movie:

I wasn’t able to capture the exact moment as screencapping movies is a pain in the ass, but within the red circle, behind the horse’s head, there is what appears to be an extra wearing a hat, who does indeed appear as just a black smudge. At no point in this shot does the camera get close enough to reveal any sort of facial features whatsoever, so the part about the “threatening, beckoning eyes” was clearly what I will henceforth refer to as, a night-valeism.

Let’s move on

-

"Again at 23 minutes, he’s in the crowd watching the square dance. Everyone’s heads are facing left into the circles of dancers. Every head except one. He’s looking right at the camera again. Not at the camera… at me."

This one was very difficult to analyse as “in the crowd” is a very vague description of this scene, and so they could have been referring to any one of the extras here that weren’t dancing.

Here’s the screenshot:

There were two male extras in this scene who I could make out not looking left at the dance, but the one I circled in red is the only one who actually glances at the camera. Unfortunately, it’s only on screen for a split-second before it cuts so I couldn’t get the exact moment he stares into the camera. I noticed this guy does seem to be a little less ‘in character’ than some of the extras, which is weird considering he’s pretty obvious compared to some of the other extras.

-

“But at 36:55 in the top right, behind the stone well in the thicket, he’s there again. If you have a copy of this movie at home, go watch it, and tell me I’m not imagining this. It reminds me of The Ring [...]”

The interesting thing about this one is that this is the first timestamp included where there is clearly no extras. Here I’ve circled a few smudges that could potentially be mistaken for figures but in this case it’s more likely that Fink and Cranor KNOW there isn’t anyone there- (cont)

-But decided to include it anyway so they could draw that comparison to ‘The Ring’. Look at the well to the right surrounded by trees and tell me it doesn’t remind you of this:

Speaking of ‘The Ring’...

-

“But then at 56 minutes and 56 seconds in, Jane Fonda stands in front of an old shed and throws rocks [...] And behind her on the left, a man stands with one arm on his hip, the other resting on a shovel. His hat hides his face. Then he walks slowly forward, lifting the shovel. He keeps walking forward, downscreen of Jane Fonda, who is still giving the performance everything she’s has, as if some rogue extra isn’t ruining the shot.

The man then lifts the brim of his hat and looks right into the camera. His lips are moving, but not like speaking, more like undulating. It’s hard to hear if he is making any noise, because the audio mix on this movie was terrible. I could barely discern any other sounds beneath the electrical hum of the owls.”

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never actually watched ‘The Ring’, but I know enough about it to recognise that this scenario, intentional or not, is part of a horror trope popularised by the film. (Interestingly, I noticed Cecil and Jeffery actually covered ‘Ringu’, the Japanese original on their podcast ‘Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9′ (try saying that ten times fast lol) about three weeks ago. Probably unrelated since I doubt they wrote the episode less than three weeks before its release but still, maybe it was just on their minds that day.

All that aside, this is my favourite screenshot they included and you’ll see why:

That’s right, the figure is (pretty much) EXACTLY as described (if you’ll excuse the fact that his hand is on his knee, not his hip, and he’s holding a rake, not a shovel.) As you’ve probably guessed, the second part of that paragraph is a complete Night-Valeism but that shouldn’t be a surprise. 

-

What I love about this whole thing is how it really plays into the idea that Night Vale has suddenly become a part of our universe, what with the movie going from previously being played entirely by eternally-thirty-year-old Lee Marvin (except the balladeers played by Nat King Cole of course) to actually being how it is in the real world, and yet, still containing the Night-Valeisms that make it feel as if our universes have collided. I’d love to hear if anyone had watched this film before the episode came out and if perhaps you felt yourself double checking the scenes in a sort of Mandela-effect fuelled panic.

If you do want to watch the movie for yourself, it’s important to note that what Cecil says in the beginning about outdated and offensive jokes is also, unfortunately, entirely accurate. The film is full of mysogyny disguised as humor and casual 60s racism, so be prepared and remember to view it with a critical eye.

-

If you’re still reading, thank you so much! (And also what on earth are you doing I mean really.) I think it goes to show just how much I care about Welcome to Night Vale that I watched a whole 90 minute movie I wouldn’t have otherwise cared about just so I could give context to this 20 minute episode. I love this damn show so much.

[ggreactionsandscenarios]

Lia x Reader

Requested by : @scandalousmaniac

Connection

“I swear there is something, you’re just too blind to see it !”

Your friends were once again arguing over the fact that your crush on your best friend wasn’t one sided. They had this bad habit of trying to analyse your interactions with her and gave you their interpretations once Lia would go to the bathroom.

“Stop saying nonsense, what made you think such a thing in the first place anyway ?”

Your friends gave you a ‘are you serious ?’ look before slapping your forehead one by one.

“What made us think that ?! Seriously Y/N ! The way she looks at you, care for you. She literaly blow on your hot chocolate because you might get burned, who even does that ?!”

“Lia does ! She always did !”

You tried to defend yourself but to be honest you already knew you weren’t going to win against them especially not against a fed up Yuna.

“You know Y/N if you don’t want to admit it, we can’t really do anything to force you to. But maybe you should just stop putting walls between you and her just because you’re afraid she might not like you back when you already know she does.”

“I.. “

Ryujin cut you off before you could answer Yeji.

“Just think about it okay ? We’ll talk about it on another time your girlfriend is coming back.”

You eyes followed Ryujin’s, not even arguing with the word she used to refer to Lia. When you saw Lia's face you knew something was wrong.

Jisu had her head down and behind her Chaeryeong was making decapitation signs which was for sure not a good sign. Your bestfriend’s eyes were stuck on her phone screen. You got up meeting her halfway, letting Chaeryeong know you were handling whatever was happening with Lia.

“Is everything okay ?”

Lia faced you, her eyes visibly on the verge of crying. She didn’t say anything but pulled you in the tighest hug, her hands tangled in your shirt while you could feel her tears running against your neck. You embraced her small body against yours, a hand in her hair drawing small patterns on her scalp while the other was on her back.

“Bring me home Y/N.”

You hated him, from the bottom of your heart you hated him. Once again a guy was breaking your best friend's heart and you were left with the saddest Lia could be.

Lia and you have been best friends since as far as you could remember. You met in middle school and that eye smile made you fall for her almost immediately.

Even though your relationship with her never been anything beyond friends you could tell that you had a connection. It wasn't like a simple friendship there was more to it, you were linked more deeply than that.

On some days you believed it was because of all the time you spent together, all the thing you went through as one but you knew it was even deeper than that, it was older too.

It started the day you met her eyes for the very first time, it was like everything fell in place at that moment and ever since nothing change for you.

Unfortunately you couldn't tell the same for Jisu, you couldn't keep track of the number of boyfriends that went by during all this time.

Obviously you hated everyone of them, all worst than the past one in your eyes, even when your other friends found one of them kind of cool the only thing you could think of him was disgust.

And you were right because of course none of them kept the distance, like today they all let her down somehow.

Anyway you were way better and qualified to take care of your best friend than they were. And if you believed your friends, you'll be better as her girlfriend too but that was something else.

You put the crying Lia in bed, she cried herself to sleep once again because of an asshole. It was making you see red but her sleeping face reminded you that every time it happened she got up again more powerful than ever, the thought bringing a smile to your face.

And you were right not later than the morning after she already forgot the guy and was getting you to do a movie marathon with her. Never in a million years you’d thought things would turn out like this.

For some reasons your friends' words were making much more sense now that you were engulfed in a blanket, Lia’s head on your shoulder. It was something common between you two, you had always been comfortable with being close to each other.

But now that everything was sinking in, you noticed that you never saw your bestfriend hug any of her exs, not that you were complaining but for someone who likes skinship as much as Lia does, it was odd. Even the girls don’t get as much physical interactions as you receive from your bestfriend.

You tried to brush the thought away, maybe it was because you were bestfriends after all.

To be honest the movie wasn’t interesting enough to get you out of your mind. Playing on the screen was some sort of romantic movie between the typical badboy and the shy girl scenario. Beurk, way too straight for you and even if it wasn’t way too cliché anyway. 

“You don’t like it ?”

The soft voice of your bestfriend for sure got you out of you thought faster tham any other film would have.

“What ?” You asked confused on what she was refering to exactly.

“The movie, you don’t like it ?” She asked again.

“Of course I love it ! What do you mean ? It’s an amazing movie.”

You knew your attempt failed as soon as you met her eyes but Lia didn’t say anything, she let you believe you had a chance with your lame lie.

“Oh yeah ? What’s the title ? No better what’s the main character’s name ?”

You rolled your eyes at the way she was smirking, proud to catch you lying.

“Ok I hate it.”

“Sorry I didn’t get what you just said ?”

“I hate it ! You win stop torturing me please.”

She chuckled at how dramatic you were being and you swear that chuckle could have killed you if you weren’t already dead.

“Why did you agree to watch it then ?”

She encircled your neck with her arms getting your faces closer than they already were which made you lower your head. Trying to avoid any eye contact with hers or with her lips was hard but needed if you didn’t want to get lost in an intense contemplation.

“Because you wanted to.”

She smiled at you, one of her famous one million dollar eye smile that you fell in love with. She reached for your cheeks, squeezing them with her hands which was good because it would cover for the blushing mess you were becoming.

"You're so cute Y/N, but you know you can say no to me."

"No actually I can't and I don't want to anyway."

You didn't know why you were being suddenly so bold, but your inner self was happy to let your feelings out even just a little for once.

The main issue though was that while you were talking, Lia's gaze fell on your lips making you mirror her and you were now trap in contemplating hers.

Before you could comprehend anything she was kissing you. Maybe you were blind after all, Yuna was probably right, you thought now that you were facing a clear sign of Lia's feelings towards you. The only thing you were thinking of was how it could still mean nothing.

You were too lost in your head to really kiss her back or even enjoy the kiss before she withdrew herself from you. You cursed under your breath for having waist such an occasion and especially since you knew it probably wouldn't happen twice.

"I ... I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that... I... You.."

"It's okay Lia, calm down."

You were hurt not gonna lie but you didn't care about you, your main concern was Lia and nothing else.

"I understand, you just broke up you needed comfort. It's okay."

You were silently dying while saying those words but if you could prevent her from leaving you it was worth it.

"What ? No ! That's not why I did it."

You were lost, you couldn't understand what was her reason if it wasn't about feeling sad and lonely.

"Then why ?"

Lia sat back against you, head on your shoulder like before.

"I.. Chaeryeong and I talked when we were in the bathroom ..before I received the text..."

You were already cursing Chaeryeong.

"... She told me I wasn't discreet, that it shows. "

"What shows ?" You asked confused, having trouble to follow her point.

"My feelings for you. She told me, everybody knew that I love you, everybody except you so I figure out I might just go for it but I guess I was wrong."

She turned her head towards you, checking if you were listening or not. But of course you were, you were just lagging hard right now. She just confessed. It's been some time now that you knew you had it bad for her but you never thought about confessing, not even once. Too scary, too risky and well too daring for you but she just did it, just like that.

"It's okay I know you don't feel the same I noticed."

"What did you just say ?"

"I know you don't like me."

"No before that."

"That I love you ?"

Wow that sounded amazing in your ears, you only dreamed about such a thing happening.

"Same."

"What ? No, I didn't say same."

She tried to remember what she actually said and it was so cute to see her search for nothing.

"I did. I'm saying same."

"Wait. What ?"

"I love you too."

You thought you were lagging but by seeing Lia right now you could almost read 'Error 404' on her forehead.

"Did you just ?!"

"I think so, yeah."

Lia crashed her lips on yours and this time you didn't waist time thinking, second chance don't come that often so you were just going to go for it like Lia taught you to.

Hey, here is your request. Sorry it took some time, give feedbacks and don't hesitate to request again 😊 -Ael

[everything-laito]

I can not say enough just how much I love your blog and all your analyses! You have such a good handle on Laito's character! I noticed in his song QED, he says "Forgive me..." and in his version of Gin no Bara, he says "I don't think I wish for forgiveness...but...". Do you think Laito has regret over the things he's done in the past? Do you think, if given the chance, he would seek help or try to become a better person (for lack of a better term)?

AAAAA oh my god thank you so much!!! (⭑•͈ 𓎟 •͈ ) that means a lot to me!!! I’m so glad you enjoy my content and I’m glad that ya think I have a good handle on Laito’s character too!! 

Also omg I’m so glad to rant about my favorite Laito song thank you for giving me this opportunity LOL! More under the cut~!

I definitely think that he wishes for forgiveness. There’s my short answer. But you know me, I’m not one to stop at the short answer!

This is probably a given, but inflection and verbal tone also goes hand in hand with reading tone and rhetoric. And since this is a song, this is more important than ever. When he says “forgive me” and “I don’t wish for forgiveness but...” it’s definitely a begging and somber tone, almost repenting. 

I’m currently speeding through his HDB route and taking notes as I go. In Dark Epilogue, Laito says, 

“Is there a point behind living your life while suppressing your true self?”

First of all, I could make an entire essay just on that quote I swear; but I believe this is Laito doing two things: calling himself out, but also trying to convince himself that his facade is his “true” self. Which we all know is not true. First of all I do agree with him, and honestly, Laito really woke a lot of philosophical thoughts in my head, whether they be new ones or reinforced ones I’ve had previously. Kinda odd, but anyways, this ties into him wanting forgiveness because it’s obvious he’s calling himself out for being a hypocrite, deep down. I think it’s a bit of a cry for help, too. 

Laito’s basically begging for forgiveness in that song. Also, Yui says this in his HDB After Story, which piques my interest:

Yui: Toying with someone’s heart just because you got a little bored is something that should never be done! I can’t forgive you! Laito: … Yui: ( Ah…I snapped… ) Laito: But…You are mine, right? Am I wrong?

First of all there’s a lot of things that could be extrapolated from that snippet, Laito being confused about relationship stuff, Yui snapping and being a strong character, her character not scared to retaliate and stand up for herself against Laito, etc etc etc. 

But what I’m going to focus on is the fact that Laito reacted so extraordinarily to the “I can’t forgive you” part, since that was the cherry on top of Yui’s statement. Although executed unknowingly, this type of speech can be related to the rhetorical device, antanagoge. Although this isn’t dictionary definition antanagoge, which allows the writer to acknowledge but downplay negative points that are in opposition. This is executed by placing the negative point next to a stronger positive one. An example of this can be, “she can be quick to anger, but when you're in need, you'll never find a more loyal friend.” This rhetorical device plays on the human’s hardwiring to be effected more by the last sentence or component at the end of speech. That’s why the sentence I gave an example sounds more positive, rather than negative. 

Like I said, Yui didn’t give a bonafide example of antanagoge. However, since the brain is hardwired aforementioned, Laito probably was most effected by the “I can’t forgive you!” part. I’m assuming that vampire brains work like this too haha, they don’t seem to be that different than humans, aside from being above morals etc. 

If Laito didn’t care about forgiveness etc (although Yui’s talking about a different scenario relating to Laito rather than Laito as his whole being, you can tell that he’s greatly affected by those words.) he wouldn’t have stayed silent, and this man doesn’t get fazed that often. So yes, I definitely think given the chance he’d become a better person. And I think in the HDB after story, he’s given that chance with Yui! If anyone else retaliated against him (she slapped him earlier before going on this little tangent, I just took a snippet of it) he’d probably get mad and psychologically lash out. Here’s a link if you wanna read it, it’s super good. I think Yui shows him unexpected kindness that gives him a chance to reflect, even if it’s for a couple seconds. She truly is a wonderful and strong character. I’m not sure if he’d seek help himself; I don’t think he knows how to or wants to, or even knows if he should. Or maybe he doesn’t think he needs help! But he listens to Yui, which is huge. As for regret? Probably, but he might  not know it himself. I think that his self reflection in Para Selene for example is huge, which I did an analysis on that a while ago as well. 

lmao this became kind of a Yui appreciation post but hey it works! 

Sorry this took so long to make, it was kind of marinating in my ask box but I really wanted to make sure I could answer it to the best of my ability. 

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

[makeste]

I just took that Bakugou introspection as Horikoshi's way of telling the audience that yes Bakugou can keep up with OP Deku because there has been so much muttering across the fanbase that Bakugou won't be able to. I don't see the melodrama of Bakugou only seeing his strength as a means to keep up with Deku or that his pride is problematic. I think him having an idea for his hero names means he knows what his strength is for. He's always been strong as a person (when Deku was not) (pt1)

Losing his quirk doesn't need to be the gateway to force him to develop the kindness and consideration he's already been showing, nor would it be karmatic balance between him and Deku- especially when any scenario that takes his quirk benches him from the story or cheapens the stakes by him getting it back relatively fast. Deku's 15 years of quirklessness can't be balanced. Additionally, Bakugou only lost in the story when he was too close minded to learn, once open minded he started to (pt2)

grow. It doesn't send out a good message, if after all that growth he still gets punished. His declaration of spirit to not lose, be it to Shigaraki or Deku is not a bad thing, he is the underdog with an indominable will and he is declaring his spirit as the symbol of victory. Bakugou may lose his quirk, I don't know, but your reasons I disagree with because we interpret those panels differently. They give the audience a point of reference to guage Bakugou's ability.

you make some excellent points, anon! and you see, it’s strange, because up until this chapter and his monologue, I was in full agreement with most of what you’re saying -- that he’s already figured out all of that hero biz, that he’s already in the process of sorting his shit out on his own, and that Horikoshi is simply waiting for the right moment to finally show it.

but after reading his internal dialogue in this chapter, I’m just not so sure anymore.

in the past I’ve done a lot of guesswork on Kacchan’s thought processes based on his subtle little actions and microexpressions, and on what we’ve already been told about his character thus far. I call it “guesswork”, though, because it very much is that, because we so rarely get an actual glimpse into his head to see what he is really thinking. so when Horikoshi actually does give us one of those rare glimpses, I’m inclined to pay very close attention, and prepared to make any necessary adjustments to my current understanding of his character if need be. he is very, very complicated, and despite my spending an absurd percentage of my free time analyzing him up and down and front to back, that absolutely doesn’t mean that any of those analyses are actually right, lols. I’m constantly updating my internal databank of Kacchan knowledge both from interactions with the rest of the fandom, and -- when Horikoshi actually deigns to give us some new information -- from the canon itself.

anyway! so when I read this chapter and saw Kacchan yet again comparing his progress to Deku’s in his head, and thinking -- even now, even in the moments right before an intense battle!! -- only about his rivalry and about keeping up, that immediately set me to updating my mental bakuwiki in regards to his current character growth status. so he definitely has his hero name picked out already, we know that much. and so presumably has thus already figured out what kind of hero he wants to be. right? right.

and yet he still apparently has not revealed the new name to anyone. even after three months. like yeah, we get it, you made a promise to tell Jeanist first, etc. fair enough, but still! it’s an interesting bit of hesitation to take note of. and then there’s also the matter of Horikoshi’s interview from back in December (which I’ll link in a comment once this is posted), where he talked a lot about Bakugou and made a point of saying that his character growth wasn’t done yet, and that he still needs to apologize to Deku. which is as good a confirmation as any that such an apology is indeed forthcoming.

so why, then, does it seem like we’re still no closer to that moment, even after Kacchan seemingly had a mysterious epiphany at the end of the internship arc, and even after we subsequently went through a three month time jump? Kacchan isn’t one to be slow about it when he decides to make progress. his growth in all other aspects has come by leaps and bounds. and yet when it comes to his relationship with Deku -- his friendship with Deku, except that he still can’t bring himself to acknowledge that’s what it is, and insists on thinking of it as only a rivalry -- it seems like he reached a certain point, and then just... stalled. like he’s not willing to go any further past this. and there are many reasons for why that may be the case. but at the root of all of them is pride.

and I’m not saying he needs to give up that pride, because that’s a huge and very important part of who he is. you said his declaration of spirit not to lose isn’t a bad thing, and I agree. but that doesn’t always make it a good thing either, and I don’t want to get so swept up in my love of the character that I start refusing to acknowledge the downsides of that trademark pride as well. pride, like anything else, is nuanced. it can be both good and bad. it’s good when it motivates you and pushes you to do your best and to achieve your goals. but it’s bad when it makes you inflexible, and when it prevents you from taking actions which would benefit you and others, just because doing so would mean humbling yourself in a way that is scary and which feels like it runs counter to your ultimate goals. because you want to be someone who always wins. and so any time you do experience a loss, you go through an entire mini-crisis, because it feels like your very purpose in life is being threatened.

I don’t know if “problematic” is the word I would use for this aspect of him. I feel like that word is fairly overused, especially in fandom, and now has certain connotations of “this is objectively bad behavior which should be called out and shunned.” and I don’t think that’s the case at all when it comes to Kacchan’s pride. he’s already learned how to put it aside in order to work with others and save others. and that’s great! he already is a great hero by this point, imo. if Horikoshi decided to just end his character arc here and not take it any further, I would actually be just fine with that.

but I think that there is still the potential for more. I think that we are still not done here yet. because this manga consistently surprises and amazes me with the way it goes the extra mile when it comes to character development. Kacchan and Deku didn’t have to reconcile their differences and learn to respect one another after only 120 chapters (I say “only” in a very sincere and not sarcastic sense here, because that really is an insanely short timeframe compared to most other manga). but they did. Endeavor didn’t have to see the error of his ways and decide that he wanted to become a better person, and he definitely didn’t have to be shown apologizing and admitting his wrongdoings and even going so far as to back out of his family’s lives for their sakes and even build them a house so they could move on apart from him. but he did! and that’s insane, you guys. name me another series that goes that hard in trying to redeem a guy whom virtually every single member of this fandom would have once described as ultimately devoid of any redeeming qualities. I can’t think of any.

but BnHA is just like that. it goes hard. it doesn’t back off. nothing about its character arcs is remotely half-assed. and so if a character is showing signs that they are still angling for more growth? that there are still things they need to learn? then I’m inclined to think we are going to roll up our sleeves and get that growth, one way or another.

this story consistently amazes me because whenever I look at a certain aspect of a character’s development and say to myself, “oh hey, that’s pretty awesome, even if it’s still not ideal,” Horikoshi goes and nudges it down another notch towards being ideal. like, the dude just doesn’t settle. and so that’s one of the reasons why I’m convinced this is a very real and even likely possibility. because this kind of development, to me, would be very, very, very close to my ideal. is it strictly necessary? absolutely not. would it fucking blow my mind as a development, however? I kinda think it would, ngl.

-- that is, with the one addendum that since I do love my son very dearly, I wouldn’t want it to actually be permanent. so in order to be truly ideal, such an arc would also have to include a way for him to climb back up again after experiencing that fall. which some might find contrived or “cheap”, as you put it. but that’s a risk I’m very selfishly and biasedly game for all the same, lol. I am more than willing to occasionally suspend my sense of disbelief in the name of character development, and honestly, I don’t actually think it would cheapen the stakes in any way, because just because Kacchan’s main character status gives him cool perks like a one-time get-out-of-losing-your-quirk-for-free card doesn’t mean the same would apply towards anybody else. and for that matter, it wouldn’t detract from whatever soul searching Kacchan does during that period while he fully believes that he will be quirkless for the rest of his life, either. it doesn’t have to be permanent in order to have a permanent impact.

lastly, in regards to it balancing things out between him and Deku, I don’t mean that Kacchan becoming quirkless would (a) be some sort of necessary and deserved punishment for him, or (b) be even remotely equivalent in any kind of way to what Deku experienced while growing up. that is very obviously not the case, and I can’t stand that kind of thinking, that redemption is only about punishment. maybe “karmic” isn’t the word I should have used then; I meant it as a way of signifying something spiritual in the push-pull balance between the two of them, not in the “what goes around comes around you were a jerk and now you’ll finally understand what it feels like” sense of the word. that’s a big yikes, lol. so yeah, just to clarify that part of it!

what I mean by balance is that it would serve as a catalyst to Kacchan finally being able to understand Deku’s side of it. finally being able to see things from the point of view of his rival-friend who’s had the exact opposite arc as him in terms of what he had to do and go through and learn and unlearn to get this far. it would serve as a means of finally bridging that one last gap of understanding between them. it would bring things back into balance because it would bring them back into balance, by giving them the push to finally mend that one last broken part of their former friendship. the part that’s still untouched by both of them, because they’re both afraid of disrupting the current semi-stable truce that they have now in their relationship. even if it’s not perfect. not, if you’ll pardon my use of the word yet again, ideal.

tl;dr I see Bakugou’s introspection as being a lead-in to something potentially game-changing both because I want it to be, and because, as strange as it may seem, the manga has conditioned me to think this way now. to have expectations. to anticipate more depth, more growth. so it may be the case that in this instance I’ve taken those expectations too far and I need to temper them back down and swing them in a less angsty, more traditionally shounen direction. and like I said, if that does wind up being the case, I won’t be upset.

but maybe, just maybe though, this manga will in fact go there once again. if for no other reason than that it can. “Horikoshi really went and did that” is a sentence I’ve gotten very used to typing since I started reading this manga. and so, well, let’s just wait and see.

[onf-headcanons]

INSUFFERABLE PAIN

(Jaeyoung x reader - one shot )

Quick one shot for Jaeyoung x reader with scars

• I did not even a proper draft planned for this at all so deepest apologies beforehand if this one shot fic and the nuance are quite messy. So this idea derived from the Minkyun ones I was like hmm since Minkyun's story was relationship already established, how about something prior relationship being legit  though?

• And then my instinct told me Jaeyoung is the best choice for this scenario  because of his personality . So without further ado lets go

• The character setting here would be you and Jaeyoung were once classmate but you got into an accident and while you are bedridden/in progress of rehab and healing , Jaeyoung got transferred. Later only met Jaeyoung back. (University or in company if you like)

• So I will leave it up to reader where the scars should be but it needs to be visible and covers quite large area. Either stitches or faded scars or even burnt scars will do. It is flexible exclusively for you.

• You do have a few past relationships or even being teased during your school days (once you recovered) but they all did not end well because of your scars. So it kind off became a complex of yours.

• Maybe you tend to wear long sleeves or longer jeans to cover it up even when it's summer. (Due to budget issue you family could not really afford a skin graft or even due to the affected areas are to large as the reason)

• Now you and Jaeyoung have been in really good terms with each other. (On what background I will leave it to your imagination as well. I personally might incorporate this into the office au)

• He did know a bit of the accident but seeing you doing well, he thought you recovered perfectly and did not gave any thoughts about scars or side effects. It just did not come to him because he was never disclosed with the details.

• It will a lie if you say you do not have a crush and good impression of him. By working together about 2 or 3 projects, you two found out that both of you also have a good chemistry unexpectedly.

• Good looks ,check . Caring personality, check . Someone who understands and respects your pov, check.

• But now you are always in the defensive alert mode to not go one step further to all of your relationships or potential suitors

• The gang of yours all are trying to hook you and Jaeyoung up and even plays game like truth or dare just to give you two excuse to confess with each other but Jaeyoung would always stand by your side so that no one makes you uncomfortable. That is one of the good impression  and plus point part he has made

• Until the extent some of your mutual friends begin to ask you and Jaeyoung directly if you truly have feelings with each other privately.

• So there is once that you and Jaeyoung were out on a company gathering or friend gathering and there is no more bus/train back home. So Jaeyoung offered to drive you back

• It will be the first time after knowing each other for a while, that you two being alone, without any potential disturbance

• In the car its was tense because Jaeyoung is silent. Very unusually silent. Maybe Jaeyoung is the type to prefer full concentration, no distraction while driving, you thought. You know you should break the ice but again your defensive personality kicks in because you don't want to send false intentions

• Reached your apartment and Jaeyoung pull over across the road. But before you reach out to the door handle, Jaeyoung calls out your name, which made you paused.

• Your intuition tingles because you have experienced similar scenario before. Jaeyoung adjusts his posture to face you properly. He even had his seat belt unfastened, looks like he is expecting a long covnersation.

• You bite your underlips unconsciously while resting your back to the car seat but your eyes are set to your knees.

• "I just want you to know,  that everytime when we played truth or dare, I never lied about having someone in mind." Jaeyoung starts.

• "I see. " you replies while trying to stay calm

• "Y/N, I am bringing this up because I felt we have mutual feelings. If I was wrong, do correct me." Jaeyoung continues because your reply was somewhat cold/neutral.

• Finally it has come to this, you thought. And you let out a sigh. "No, you are not wrong at all."

• "Wonderful." His tone becomes brighter. You had a quick glance of him out of nervousness,he has a smile on his face.

• "But," you continue on. " I am afraid that it is best for us to remain as friends."

• The aura changes into a solemn one.

• " Can I know the reason?" Jaeyoung carefully initiates after a slight moment of silence.

• You look at him and try to sound carefree, "Well let's just say I am not good at disappointment because I tend to expect too much."

• "Anyone will have expectations towards their partner, Y/N." Jaeyoung retorts. "It will happen in the course of relationship,it just the matter of communicating between 2 people"

• Oh ya, he is not the kind to back off with vague responds. He is the type to communicate fully without sugar-coated information.  He values a frank and straightforward approach. Its his good trait but sometimes it falls to his bad trait when he is persistent.

• Knowing his personality well enough , you decided to give it all. With a little selfish hope that he will backs off and terminates his feelings towards you.

• "How much do you know about the accident I been through?" You ask him. (Not in a interrogating tone)

• Jaeyoung scratches the side of his forehead and shrugs, trying to recall, " Not much of the details, I only know you are bedridden and needed alot of time to recover."

• You then roll up your sleeves / roll up your shirt/ roll up the hem your jeans, and show him a fraction of your scars. Jaeyoung was slightly taken aback by your sudden movements but then immediately understood once he sees your scars.

• "So you did not know about these then." You show him. " What you see now, it is just a small portion of all of it."

• By observing,  you can tell Jaeyoung is trying to organise his words, but the only thing that comes out from his mouth, none other than a soft murmur of "I am sorry. "

• "Don't be, I was the one who never mentioned it." You let out a short chuckle while arranging your clothes. "Its ok, you can give it a thought."

• But Jaeyoung response catches you off guard. "A thought on what?" He asks.

• You look at him and reply bluntly, " If you still want to take a step further with me after knowing about my ugly scars. Mind you, they covers quite large area of my body."

• "Wait, what? That?" Jaeyoung's voice rises as he heard you.

• "Of course, what else could it be?" You are now puzzled

• "I don't care about the scars, Y/N. I think you misunderstood me. " he tries to explain

• "I did?" The only reply you can make out of the confusion. Normally the other party would be gross out or freak out by your scars but Jaeyoung does not seem to mind?

• "I think its my suddenly apology made you feel like I am rejecting you mentally. " Jaeyoung analyses. "Its not actually, I was feeling sorry that you had to gone to the suffering from the scars."

• "Oh."

• "You don't sound convinced." Jaeyoung is accurate about that.

• "Well, I was expecting different kind of reactions and response from you." Your hand reaches to touch one of the place of your scars. "People normally freaks out when they sees it."

• "So you were trying to scare me away." Jaeyoung finally grasps the situation. "That's not really nice but I don't blame you."

• "My bad, my previous relationships did not work out because of them and I had enough of getting hurt." You avert your eyes from his. Your hand caressing the scar part through the fabric of your clothes. "Those heartbreaks hurts far worse than the physical wounds I had. They are not just heartbreaks, they are rejections. "

• Jaeyoung reaches out his hand and gently pats your head. "You had it rough." You did not move away or brush his hand off. You covers your face while lowkey wailing

• "Are you even normal Jaeyoung? I was expecting you to freak out. But why are you so calm? They are, quote my ex, unpleasantly horrendous." You turn your head to look at him.

• "Then how would your prefer me to react? Pass out? Or screech like a maiden?" His answer made you laugh. "And no they are not horrendous, that's just your ex having a faint heart."

• "Thank you for not being grossed out." You appreciated him after letting a satisfied laugh.

• "To be frank, I was startled at first but it all make sense to me now. Bedridden, long time to recover, and never once I see you wear something short during the summer. " says the young man beside you.

• "Now you know why." You mutters.

• "But I guess when you love someone, you love everything of theirs. " Jaeyoung continues .

• You could not believe your ears of what had come out from his mouth. Blushing hard, you repeat yourself. "Jaeyoung , are you even normal?"

• The young man smiles at you and responds, "I fell in love with you like how normal people fell in love , so rest assured, I am completely normal."

• You lower your head to hide your flushed cheeks, it is still too good to be true.

• Jaeyoung reads your body language  and decides to pry further. "So I assume that you accepted my feelings and my confession?"

• "Well... you are the only one who did not freak out... for now..." You reply him with a low voice.

• Jaeyoung ruffles you hair and thank you for accepting his feelings. "Don't worry Y/N,  I won't let you go through that insufferable pain again, I promise. "

• "You better." You smiles at him, finally.

A/N : Happy ending🤭 again so sorry if the story looks messy and rushed.

Also i not sure if I will do a first time theme smut fic based on this established relationship as well. It will interesting for sure.

[serendipitybutterfly]

i think it's one think to be like "so and so would be cute together", but then you get the delulus who try to prove that they're actually together and gif every single interaction they have and present it as proof. also, to say it to the artist directly is SO inappropriate.

Hmm... Well my opinion is this; it's fine to think the relationship between two people as presented to you, as not only a third party, but a distant third party who doesn't even know them personally, is cute. If it stays there. "Oh the relationship between x and z is sooo cute!" is totally fine and I don't think there's anything weird about that.

However, when finding a relationship between two people cute moves into the territory of obsessively trying to prove that every interaction between them is fraught with romantic or sexual tension or trying to prove that they're actually secretly in a relationship... You've moved into unhealthy territory where you need to check yourself and reflect on why exactly it's so important to you that these two people who are unrelated to you are romantically involved.

Again I can only speak my personal opinion, but I strongly believe that the obsessive shipping I see amongst young women in kpop / boy band fandoms has to do with insecurity. Shipping in general, even when it involves fictional characters (something I'm no stranger to. I love to ship and have since I was a little girl... You know fictional characters) usually stems from relating in some way to one character and seeing in the other character an ideal or fantasy partner you'd like for yourself.

You like those characters together because, maybe, you can see a lot of yourself in one of them and you see the kind of relationship you'd like to have in their dynamic. For example, as a kid I shipped zutara because I saw a lot of myself in Katara and I found Zuko attractive as a character (the reformed Zuko!... Forgive the ATLA reference). Of course this isn't necessarily always the case but I'm basing this purely on my observations and experience in various fandoms since I was a teen girl myself.

Now when it comes to real life people and kpop stan culture... I think there's two main things that happen when people get too obsessive about their own fantasies (keeping in mind that the whole culture of boy bands is intended to indulge and titillate the fantasies of young women in a 'safe' way). There are firstly those fans who essentially 'ship' a specific member or members with themself, in that they enjoy fantasising about being in a relationship with a certain member... Which is again, totally fine once it stays within the realm of fantasy and the person fantasising is aware that it's just a fantasy.

The truth is boy band members want to be your fantasy boyfriend... That's kinda the point and how they make bank... But it's like a role playing game where it's only fun once the people involved are aware it's just pretend... When one person flips the switch and starts believing it's actually real, things get scary fast and that's where we get saesangs and stalkers and the people who go ballistic and threaten bodily harm to themselves and others when it turns out their bias is dating or even might be interested in other girls at all (see what happens basically anytime BTS interacts with women around their age) .

This category of fans are usually those who are using the idols as replacements for actual boyfriends and often have such low self esteem that they don't think they'll be able to get a real boyfriend and that's why they become obsessed and fall so far into the fantasy being sold...

This is the dark side of boy bands really which BTS very cleverly addressed in Pied Piper. They are very aware that they are flirting with this obsession... Both wary of it and worried about how unhealthy it is and at the same time wanting fans to continue to love them so intensely... It's indeed a dangerous game...

The second category are those fans who, from my observations I believe, have even lower self esteem and / or issues such as internalised misogyny which actually leads to a fear of or inability to explore their sexuality by fantasising about being with the object of their admiration themselves... There is such fear or trauma surrounding putting themselves into that picture, that it causes them to instead relate themselves to one member and see that person almost as an avatar through which they can reach the object of admiration and furthermore, explore sexual and romantic fantasy from an even greater, and seemingly 'safer', distance.

Again, if this is kept in the realm of fantasy well... It's your fantasy! But this too can become an addiction and obsession because the fan may begin to subconsciously attach themself more and more to the idol they relate to and thus place more and more meaning on their connection to the idol who is the object of desire... Essentially, if someone relates a lot to say... Jungkook (because I honestly think this is often the case) and they are hugely attracted to Jimin or Taehyung (which is also often the case) there's a sense in which Jungkook becomes the reader self insert in the shipper's own personal fanfiction and the shipper desperately analyses every one of his interactions with the member they're 'in love with' because, through relating to Jungkook, and through Jungkook being perhaps in a relationship with this object of desire, they feel an ego boost... They feel the vaguest sense that perhaps the object of desire might be attracted to them too...

Or if not, a sense a that at least it's not another, more attractive, girl... Because that would mean the already weakened ego would take a bigger blow... By imagining a scenario where females are entirely removed from the equation, they feel a sense of freedom from the turmoil of 'not being attractive enough', 'sexy enough', 'cool enough' or just simply 'good enough' for the object of desire. 'At least if he's not interested in girls at all, I don't need to feel bad about him never being interested in me. At least he can be with a guy whose personality is like mine...' this is the state of mind of a lot of these obsessive shippers from my observation.

Of course aside from the fact that these obsessions are unhealthy enough for the fans, they are also extremely uncomfortable and even downright harmful to the members, their relationships with each other and with friends, family members and perhaps even significant others we don't know about! People need to be aware that once you put something online, it has left the realm of fantasy because you've put it out there in the real world. Keep those boundaries clear because when the lines blur for you between fantasy and reality, you're in dangerous waters.

I mean... Even my mother as a relatively new fan randomly came across a shipping video on YouTube and asked me what that was all about... At that time, I could only think of what their mothers would think coming across videos like that... And I really think that's something people need to think about more when it comes to these fantasies. The members are not characters in your own personal drama or fanfiction, they are real people with real lives and real friends and family members... who use the Internet and see the weird stuff you post! So think twice before you put those thoughts out there!

This has been an opinion post...

[naysaltysalmon]

I have a lot of feelings about the Steven Universe movie.

Before I watched Steven Universe: The Movie, I read this analysis about Spinel’s toxicity as a character/person that made me interested in watching it.

I wasn’t expecting Steven Universe to cover a situation as ambivalent as a victim’s response to complex trauma, especially not after all the controversy and froufrou surrounding Rose’s reveal as Pink Diamond and Steven convincing a dictator like White Diamond into being a better ruler. (I’m oversimplifying.)

What struck me in @love-takes-work​’s analysis was the apparent slipperiness surrounding the character Spinel, who was traumatized by Pink Diamond, exhibited symptoms of complex-PTSD and borderline personality disorder, and, as a result, became a toxic person. Something Rebecca Sugar very much wanted to portray.

Before I’d even watched the movie, I agreed with the aforementioned analysis. Not just in Steven Universe but in many series and in real life, characters/people who have experienced trauma are constantly sympathized with while the characters/people who have to deal with the fallout of that trauma are demonized for being unequipped to properly handle it. So, the character who abated White Diamond finally getting in over his head dealing with a gem attacking him over Rose’s actions is a topic I never thought would actually be touched upon in the series. But more than that, I was happy to see a character’s uncensored toxicity in exhibiting symptoms of mental illness in a kid’s movie that would be watched by millions.

I agree wholeheartedly that Spinel was a toxic person to Steven and the Crystal Gems, and that her past trauma doesn’t change or justify what she did to them over the course of the movie. That being said, I’m wary of the assumption in this and other analyses that Spinel -- and in turn actual victims of trauma who exhibit symptoms of complex-PTSD and borderline personality disorder -- know that their actions are toxic.

Awareness of one’s behavior doesn’t change whether someone’s actions are toxic or not, but waving aside Spinel’s toxicity throughout the course of the movie as her constant conscious choice to be a toxic person and just as her unwillingness to change as a person, is just... not true.

As someone who suffers from complex-PTSD, I think Rebecca Sugar and the Crewniverse did a magnificent job in portraying Spinel’s development as realistic -- albeit perhaps dangerously ambivalent for those who are uneducated about trauma and mental illness. By the end of the movie, Spinel declared that she was hurting strangers because she was choosing to take revenge, and eventually broke down, realizing her behavior was irrational and was only driving people away from her -- but before this?

Steven led her out of the garden and showed her kindness, and she reverted to toxic behavior, but I don’t think she was trying to be toxic -- she didn’t know what else she could be. Pink Diamond was Spinel’s only friend and then she abandoned Spinel for six-thousand years. All of Spinel’s self-worth was defined by her connection to Pink Diamond, as was her entire worldview. Spinel didn’t know how to blame the only person she knew and trusted, so she thought removing Steven and the Crystal Gems from the picture would bring some kind of resolution and comfort from Pink Diamond’s son. Just as little children learn from emulation, Spinel’s role model acted under the guise of being a close friend and then betrayed her. Pink Diamond shirked all the responsibility of her actions onto other people and left them to face the consequences. So when Spinel found out that Pink Diamond left her for the Earth, for Steven and the others, Spinel thought -- and therefore genuinely believed -- that it was Steven’s and the others’ faults that she was left alone, forgotten, broken, a toy.

I’m speaking from experience and not everyone’s experience is the same; but, I’ve seen people argue that Spinel’s immediate reaction to take her pain out on other people was a conscious choice to be a bad person, but the level of awareness others assume that Spinel had in her actions in their analysis just... doesn’t sit right with me. Let me reiterate that I am not arguing that Spinel’s experience of trauma excuses her behavior as a toxic person. What I am arguing is that, toxicity doesn’t register when you’re traumatized. When being hurt is all you’ve ever been taught by those closest to you, that’s what you’re going to learn and know how to do in return.

In this case, I would say of course Spinel is going to believe that hurting Steven means she loves him; Steven had shown her love and then perceivedly brushed her aside like Pink Diamond, leading Spinel to believe that hurt is what defines close connection, since that’s what she’s learned. That’s how PTSD, especially complex-PTSD, and borderline personality disorder work, by creating false equivalences born out of traumatic experiences.

Now, carrying the idea that Spinel actions were toxic, if not entirely by her conscious fault, I want to move onto a dicier topic. While Steven did his best to help Spinel with the knowledge and emotional capacity he had at the time, there were some things Steven did and said that triggered Spinel, which led her to act out in the toxic ways that she did. I would argue that most of what Spinel did throughout the course of the movie was the result of trauma and not any conscious choice to be toxic. Again, let me reiterate that Spinel’s intentions or lack thereof don’t change the fact that her actions throughout the course of the movie were toxic, but then I have to ask, in the real world... Where does that leave victims of trauma when they are triggered and have had little to no experience with true healing, so they act out in toxic ways, not knowing any better? I don’t think condemnation and alienation is the answer. What is a victim of trauma supposed to do when they act out in toxic ways, don’t realize their actions are toxic, and are alienated from anyone who could become a potential friend and provide support?

Before the events of the movie, Spinel was constantly alienated by Pink Diamond due to her lack of a personality, and later alienated by Steven and Crystal Gems (understandably) for attacking them. Pink Diamond didn’t directly tell Spinel the reason why she left her alone for all those years, leading Spinel to draw her own conclusions out of trauma, that she wasn’t good enough, which she took out on Steven and the others. Therefore Steven unknowingly triggered Spinel by not making his intentions in getting her to remove the injector apparent, and earlier when he told her to wait somewhere.

She reacted out of fear of the same thing happening again, though irrationally, because of being unable to conceive a different scenario in which she wasn’t abandoned due to the similarity of the previous situation when she was traumatized. She didn’t act toxic to Steven in this instance consciously, but out of fear of being hurt again.

Going back and forth between sadness, love, and hate, always wanting more, and feeling betrayed at the slightest sign of a trigger are marks of borderline personality disorder, which lead to confusion, hyperalertness, overprotection, and thus toxic behavior. It can be an endless cycle of grief and hatred that causes one to switch between being overly clingy, acting fake, and getting angry ad infinitum if someone isn’t given the chance to connect with others and be led out of their own toxic behaviors. This is, of course, not only to the detriment of those around the traumatized person, but most of all to their own self, as it keeps victims of trauma from being able to connect with others or understand how to do so.

In the end, when Steven told Spinel to wait and that he would come back, and we, as the audience, are watching Steven reunite with everyone, I could feel Spinel’s eyes on the happy scene, and I felt the same sadness and jealousy many victims of trauma feel, knowing they can’t make the same connections, but not knowing how to get out of their own toxic behavior without another’s help.

Now, I’m more like Steven in my real life.

But I’m writing this analysis because in my past, in my lifetime, as a victim of trauma, I relate most to Spinel. The things I’ve done and said in the past as a result of my experiences weren’t right, and now I understand why people like Steven would stay clear of someone like Spinel and my past self. Yet, my journey and the journeys of so many other victims are a lot less linear than what is portrayed in the Crewniverse’s 82-minute feature film. People’s lack of knowledge about how the symptoms of complex-PTSD and borderline personality disorder manifest are partially the cause.

It isn’t always a conscious choice by a victim to be like their abusers, but the only thing that a victim can imagine themselves doing because that abuser is the only connection of “trust” that they’ve ever had. It messes up victims’ definitions of healthy relationships, of friendship and love in general, warping reality due to the past trauma and fear of being hurt again.

Unfortunately, those who are sympathetic but unknowledgeable about trauma and mental illness try to help, and then end up steering clear for their own good, leaving the victim feeling more alone and stuck in their ways with no other perceived opportunity for connection. The irrationality of Spinel’s actions as she moves between being clingy and distant, from pacifism and violence in the majority of the movie exemplifies this.

My point isn’t that the people who have been sucked into toxic relationships with mentally ill people should be expected to stick by them. But at the same time, I had to unlearn my toxic behavior through my own effort only after being retraumatized by countless people who didn’t know any better, as do many victims of trauma, because people dismiss victims’ toxic actions as a choice that that person makes to focus on their past experiences and refuse to change. In reality, they’ve never been exposed to something different, so they can’t even fathom their situation changing due to an ingrained, trauma-induced fear. No one can live in a vacuum and be expected to change their toxic ways.

Steven Universe: The Movie wraps up Spinel’s story by answering that once the traumatized person has been exposed to other ways of being, they can make the choice to change, but awareness and exposure to other mindsets just isn’t a reality for so many victims. Even Steven, empathetic as he is, made mistakes in trying to connect with Spinel. It wasn’t his fault for not knowing what would trigger her, but this brings me to my main point for writing this analysis: A greater awareness of trauma and its lived manifestations needs to be raised.

PTSD and mental illness in general is so often portrayed as a refusal to look at the now, as a choice of the victim to be caught in the past. The brain doesn’t work like that, though; if your only connections for trust have betrayed you in the past, that’s what you learn will happen again and you stay alert for the slightest warning sign in fear of being hurt again and again. People don’t seem to understand how much a traumatized person’s worldview can be messed up due to their prior unhealthy connection(s) and wave aside their struggles as them consciously choosing to live in the past, but that’s not what Steven Universe: The Movie is trying to say about Spinel as a person overall.

That is why we need to talk about trauma and mental illness in a more sophisticated light. It isn’t as simple as you find someone who helps you heal, but then you consciously choose to be a toxic person if you are triggered, making others justified in leaving you. If your toxic symptoms stop you from being able to make healthy connections to begin with, and you’ve only been exposed to toxic ways of being before then, what more can you do except despair and blame the world for what you’ve endured, emulating the hurt you’ve been taught by the only people/person you trusted?

That is why, while I think Steven was entirely justified in not being Spinel’s friend in the end and that calling Spinel toxic is correct, I think we also need to address the lack of comprehension about complex trauma, which leaves victims of complex trauma feeling like they are so different from others that they are alone in their suffering, in a recursive loop of isolation and unhealthy behaviors.

I’m going to take one last moment to gush about my love for animation and this movie as a whole, specifically in relation to Spinel’s character design. What convinced me yesterday to finally watch Steven Universe: The Movie was the Crewniverse’s choice to animate Spinel in the style of 1930s cartoons. This stylistic choice is crucial when considering how Spinel integrates herself -- or doesn’t -- into the fabric of the movie and the Steven Universe series as a whole.

Her animation style is unlike that of every character up until this point: she’s topsy-turvy, bouncy, unconfined by gravity; her proportions are constantly changing to emphasize specific parts of her body to fit her actions; her limbs have the characteristic of rubber hoses, which make her able to stretch and contort herself in ways that the other characters simply cannot. I couldn’t possibly imagine a more effective subtle way to portray a character’s inherent difference from the established canon of characters.

It shows, more than anything, that Spinel’s childish playfulness and her attitude toward the world as a whole made her so different from the other characters that she doesn’t even know how to interact with them in a genuine, positive way.

Even when Spinel is not acting out due to her trauma -- or, at the end, consciously choosing to take revenge on Steven and the others for hurting her -- she’s unable to connect with others in a genuine way. Sure, this can be explained by her purpose as a toy for Pink Diamond initially so having a personality wasn’t needed, like it wasn’t needed for obedient Pearls and the plethora of other subordinate gems. However, given how starkly different her animation style is from everyone else in the show, think it conveys something about Spinel that can be likened to what Rebecca Sugar called “unsettling,” and a difficult part of her character. How I read this is that Spinel’s attitude makes her difficult to be around. Her mindless goofiness, her inherent difference in the 1930s cartoon style, and her toxic traits are those victims of trauma exhibit when they are searching for connection due to fear of abandonment from lack of a stable connection in the past.

In all, I’m so thankful that a character was portrayed to be unapologetically traumatized, and therefore toxic, in a cartoon for children. Even if that character was portrayed to be an antagonist in most instances, which is definitely the case where victims of trauma become their abusers due to lack of exposure to more positive ways of being, Steven Universe: The Movie also shows victims of trauma that moving past their unhealthy mindset is possible, even if it doesn’t work out with the people you make mistakes with due to not knowing any better.

Constant alienation from exhibiting symptoms of mental illness is a problem many victims face from being unable to change, rather than not choosing to. Due to a lack of consciousness about one’s toxic behavior and lack of knowledge about how to change, making genuine connections with people who will help us learn better ways of being is the only way to promote this change, as Steven did for Spinel. We need to spread awareness about how to approach people who have experienced complex traumas that affect our ability to make genuine healthy connections, while also acknowledging the toxic behavior that can arise from victims, and define the boundaries needed for those who are sympathetic enough to take that first step and offer a helping hand.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[inanawesomewave]

SOCIOPATH WALKS INTO A THERAPIST’S OFFICE

I started therapy.

There’s a common myth that people with ASPD won’t seek therapy, or won’t respond to it, that we’re far too high and mighty, too deep into our own sense of power and control that we feel therapy would hamper our greatness somehow, or that we would sense a game afoot and the therapy would turn into a back and forth of tensions and manipulations and ultimately become an irresistible power play to the sociopath who has found a new thrill in analysing the analyser. At best, it’s assumed we’ll flippantly disregard all offers for help and remain ignorant and unwell. At worst, people imagine a kind of Tony Soprano/Dr Melfi scenario, the game of life on hard mode, the ultra-violent psychopath fucking with the resilient therapist’s head, what a thrill, how entertaining and devastating everything we involve ourselves in eventually becomes. And this thinking comes from the notion that antisocials do not suffer, and perhaps I’ve been guilty of assuming  this myself or at least projecting it outward. That’s the nature of my personality disorder: I’m afraid of admitting any kind of weakness. But the studies that have been done that measure an antisocial’s reaction to therapy have some flaws. First of all, the samples are always violent, offending psychopaths, incarcerated in prison, and they’re all men, and they’re all on the severe end of the scale. Secondly, studies are never done about a sociopath willingly seeking therapy, only a sociopath (or indeed psychopath) who has been ordered by court to attend therapy, so there’s a couple of glaring errors there — of course people who didn’t want to have therapy in the first place aren’t going to respond. Of course violent psychopaths who have no remorse, rather than some capability for remorse, won’t respond to therapy. They’re already in prison, they’ve already committed their crimes. You can see how there’d be very little to gain there. 
 So why did I seek therapy? 
Because I am constantly, unyieldingly fucking my own life up, and I’m doing it in a way that often feels uncontrollable to me. Everything is a constant battle between the self that I know and the dark night of myself, the part I know is there but can’t actually make out. All I know is it lurks down the dimly lit allies and leaps out of the dark corners of my psyche, and all of this presents itself as a nervy, fizzing, buzzing bandsaw of baseline level contempt, outrage, and a deep sense of something, maybe sadness, that I don’t know the name of, because if you’ve got ASPD you’ve most likely also got alexithymia as a symptom — that is, a subclinical inability to identify or describe your own emotions, a profound lack of emotional attachment to yourself. And it makes sense; if you can’t empathise with other people, you sure as shit can’t empathise with yourself. And there’s that word I use all the time — lack. Everything about ASPD, sociopathy, is defined by lack. The lack I feel the most is the lack of things that make me a warm-hearted, warm-blooded human being, and the kicker is, I lack the language to even begin to talk to myself about that. 
And that was all fine and well, way back when I had no ambitions, no familial obligation, no partner I really had to care about. If I’m honest, before marriage, I only really loved one person romantically, and he tended to my antisocial nature like he was leaving out trash for a local raccoon to come snatch. Never fetishising enough for me to lose interest, but always teetering on the edge of fascination and admiration, and whilst I thought I may have been happy then — I was just wilder. I had no barriers, and for a time, that was perfect. But that guy killed himself, when everyone thought he was happy, and whilst we had both moved on with our lives by the time he decided to end his, it could be that man was using me as a carte blanche for self-destruction; a drinking buddy gone wrong, my no-tomorrow, no-consequences way of living was normal to me, but for all the compassion and beauty and light he had within him, what I thought were similarities in our personalities, were actually symptoms of his suicidality. So really, what did he know? And what if I end up knowing it too?
 Now I’m settled and happy — externally, I’m happy. I’m married to the love of my life. We have a beautiful perfect baby son together. I’m back at university and I’m working toward a career in forensic psychology. I like the house we have. I live close to people I care about. I love my friends. But for some reason, my pervading, reigning emotions are only rage and fear. So I hauled my ass to therapy and I can tell you now, I’m not the only sociopath in the world who's done this, we’re just not supposed to talk about it. But I’ll let you in on this one, and hope I don’t get kicked out of the circle. 

 One thing you’ll have noticed with this blog and probably with the antisocials in your life is that we are in a constant state of over-examining and analysing our own processes. To borrow a hackneyed metaphor about psychopathy, we run like machines. But the machine has malware, incredibly hard to detect, but everything is bugging from the deepest recesses and nothing is really working, although the machine’s kind of running fine even if too hot, too glitchy, sometimes it blows up. We think we know everything that can be known about ourselves and this is probably a protective mechanism. I know most of us come from a lot of childhood neglect and abuse, so it makes sense we'd internalise that critical parental voice telling us we’re useless, worthless, unlovable, and turn it into a kind of, “aha! You’re wrong! I know EXACTLY what I am at all times and last I checked, I was none of those things” fuck you to our childhoods. What I didn’t realise, and maybe you’re the same, is that deep down, perhaps I feel useless, worthless, and unlovable, only I wouldn't know if that were the case, because I don't know the names of my feelings. 
 My therapist is a good guy. He’s well-dressed, friendly, and empathic in a way that gives me pause, sometimes intimidates me. Twice now I've had these eerie, uncanny moments where he’s said “but you didn't deserve that, you were a child”, and visibly winced with pain as I've matter-of-factly spoken about my early experiences. I didn’t hate it. I don’t know if I loved it. I something-ed it. At the very least, I noted that he’d done that, appreciatively. He’s taught me things about myself too, gross ugly things, like lifting up a rock and showing me all these wriggling, dirty bugs beneath: “See that weird creature with a million legs and no eyes? Those are your narcissistic tendencies. You do have them. You have a bit of a superiority complex and that's why you don't like to talk to other people. It’s because you don’t love yourself and you’re transferring that onto others. You hate other people because what if they end up being your mother? That’s why you’ve got to be superior and mighty but it doesn’t materially mean anything. Oh, and you see that fucking huge worm there? That’s your dismissive-avoidant attachment style. You don't know this but you keep yourself at a distance from love and intimacy because you're frightened of it and you think if you remove yourself from it you'll be safe from it. Weird, right? Oh, and this thing, not sure if it's a slug or what, that’s your perfectionism that you’ve told yourself all your life is one of your most beneficial traits, look at it there writhing into itself. What you don't know about this peculiar beast is that it's hurting you and everyone around you. It’s not “drive”, it’s not “a will to succeed”, it’s a boorish sense of pride and self-imposed notion that you can't stop, ever, in case you die. And you know you can work and work and improve and improve and you can get the grades and get better ones and create targets and hit them all, but it won’t make you love yourself. And you’re holding a negative view of others who don’t work as hard as you but you know what, unlike you, they’re happy”.
Okay, he didn't word it in those ways but this is a blog, I’m here to keep you entertained I don't know what my goal is. A better relationship to myself? Maybe. Other people? Let’s not go crazy, I’m hardly an altruist. But honestly? I’d rather die than give my son the kind of life where, in 30 years time, he’s sitting in a therapist’s office, lifting up the rock, recoiling at the ugly creatures. Especially if one of those creatures is: “ever since your mother died you’ve felt nothing but pain and self-blame”. 

I’d go on to tell you how I feel about  this, but there’s no words I know of. There’s probably a lot of them that exist, though. I’ll keep you updated. 


[all-things-are-nothing-to-me]

Overcoming the Psychology of High School

[1]Every high-school student and anyone who has ever attended high school is intimately familiar with the psychology of high school. In point of fact, the psychology of high school is the pathology of commodity-society and thus it is not enough to say that everyone is well acquainted with the psycho-malaise of high school, but rather this institutional psycho-malaise is the psychology of individuals themselves. Of course this should come as no surprise considering that the principal function of school is widely accepted – amongst revolutionaries at least – as being the reproduction of the social relations of capital. What is surprising is the dearth of rigorous, specific and revolutionary critiques of high school [2]. Apart from Ivan Illich’s seminal polemic Deschooling Society, little attention has been paid to the elaborate workings of school. It is totally inadequate for our critique of high school to be a mere appendage on a position paper consisting of a few anti-authoritarian platitudes (we oppose authority so we naturally reject conventional schooling). The many deleterious facets of high school must be analysed in full and their instrumental role in capital’s domestication of humanity elucidated.

Because high school acts as capital’s incubator, some of the dominations and contradictions inherent in capital naturally appear in an analogous form within high school, while some couldn’t be said to appear at all[3]. But those that do manifest do so in a way endemic to high school and thus should be treated specifically. I hope to briefly illuminate those that I have come to recognise and which collectively constitute the psychology of high school as personally experienced. I also hope to open up discourse on the subject and stimulate further critical analyses of high school by high school students themselves. We can only overcome the psychology of high school if we understand its processes and how we have been conditioned thus far.

The Perversion of Desire

It is self-evident that high school – as one of the institutions of capital – seeks to transform individuals into productive automatons. How it does this isn’t quite as clear. Sure, the same manipulative techniques are used as elsewhere in the spectacle, but what does this look like exactly and how does it feel? The high school student’s desire to explore and experiment with the world of knowledge – if it has survived years of previous schooling – is brutally perverted to serve the interests of industrial society[4]. High school falsely satisfies this desire by offering a clockwork-like sequence of curricular consumption and measured performance with the ostensible purpose of education and development. In the face of this overwhelming normality, the high school student abandons all dreams of passionate inquiry, creative trial and error and ever-expanding learning experiences. Some will never even notice this happening. For others this resignation is a tragically conscious decision that must be made if they are to ever feel happy and successful[5]. Once the high school student embraces externally dictated education, she becomes in fact nothing more than a high school student whose primary concern is fulfilling her role par excellence. Once this process is complete the high school student is ready for the externally dictated activity of the world of work.

Quantification

The educational guise of high school can scarcely conceal the true nature of this formidable institution. At every stage, the high school student questions the necessity of some protocol, some formality to the overall success of their education. As soon as the illusion is torn down and high school is seen in its true functional light – a method of determining another wage slave’s position in the work pyramid – the need for its vast bureaucratic modus operandi will become apparent. High school students are spot on when they declare that examinations and year-round assessments have nothing to do with education. For the pathological evaluation and measurement of the high school student’s performance does not facilitate their education but rather acclimates them to the logic of civilization: that creative activity, the pursuit of knowledge, personal growth and even life its self must be quantified, analysed and reduced to some abstract form. We cannot even begin to discuss the impact this has on both the spirit and the psyche of the high school student. The anxiety, guilt and helplessness evoked by being constantly assessed and compared to the alienated activity of others brings the high school student to the brink of suicidal desperation[6]. Well-accustomed to the unending pursuit of higher and higher grades, those who emerge from high school seemingly unscathed are well and truly desensitised to civilization’s fixation with greater and greater value[7].

Alienated Activity

Before the high school student is alienated in the sphere of production – for he has long been alienated in the sphere of social consumption – she is alienated in the sphere of instruction. The alienated activity of the high school student does not produce a tangible commodity, thus no surplus value is created and consequently exploitation in the traditional sense does not occur. Nevertheless, the form and content of his/her schooling is determined by an institution and their experiences therein are reified. The daily activity of the individual high school student bears no distinction[8] from their peers who all regard their movements as mere “school work”. They exercise no control over the form and content of their instruction and so what little they do achieve becomes the achievement of an institution, as it was an institution that presided over the entire experience from beginning to end. Education really does become something other and this explains the visceral contempt and disinterest many students feel towards high school. Like all alienation, the high school student feels self-worth insofar as she participates and excels in the institution that surrounds him. When the high school student begins to fall behind his classmates in the competitive consumption of curricula, she succumbs to the castigation of teachers and parents and internalizes the constraint. He/she has now learnt to feel satisfaction only when an inhuman institution applauds his/her output.

Fragmentation

The fragmentation of daily experience and social activity outside of high school is a firmly ensconced public secret. How this manifests for the high school student is particularly noxious. Accelerating what started as soon as she entered the schoolyard as a child, the high school student’s world is violently divided in two: the educational and the non-educational[9]. What little learning is done within high school assumes far greater importance – a predictable result when the high school student’s spectacular role is contingent on their high school success – than that which is not. This incredibly limiting dualism tears apart what is naturally a holistic experience and depreciates learning done outside of school. So much so that the high school student forgets how to learn without being taught and/or fails to recognise and appreciate edifying experiences outside the walls of high school. The inverse of this fragmentation is that there is now a specific time and place for those experiences that are not considered to be educational. Hence the high school student relegates partying, art, music, property damage and other joyous activities to weekends and holidays alone. Here the high school student is seduced by the temporality of the spectacle and the compartmentalization of her time really gets going. I have only looked at a few aspects of what really is a multifaceted microcosm of alienation. We must theorize further if we are to thoroughly understand the psychology of high school and how to liberate ourselves from it’s crippling grips. It is equally as important for us to test our theory through practice. By playing around with different methods of subversion we can discover the weak spots in our theory and the institution it seeks to destroy. We also have to heal the spiritual and psychological lesions that high school has inflicted upon us and there is no better self-therapy than joyous revolt.

[1] I have focused on high school specifically instead of school generally not because there is any fundamental difference between elementary and secondary school, but because the methods of conditioning are intensified in the latter. It also helps that I currently find myself there.

[2] To be honest, the lack of a critique of school amongst so-called radicals does not surprise me in the slightest. In fact, the number of social democrats masquerading as revolutionaries who either apologize for high school or blatantly support it are no small few. An even larger number of solid comrades unfortunately just fall short of really understanding the domination of high school. To be fair though, one must take into account that many revolutionaries were not revolutionary during their high school years and as a result any retroactive critique of school will struggle to really appreciate the magnitude of its oppression.

[3] No matter how hard I look I can’t find, for example, wage slavery and the extraction of surplus value occurring within high school, although the preparation is clearly taking place. Could one posit that we produce value-to-be-realized every time we consume and regurgitate curricular thereby determining our future position in the capitalist mode of production?

[4] Needless to say, the infinite desires of the high school student – just like the rest of humanity – outside of the realm of inquiry are also mutilated and re-directed to serve the interests of capital. Our desire to play is replaced by the consumption of economic pseudo-pleasures and so forth.

[5] This scenario is all too real for me. I just recently lost a friend to the logic of high school who openly admitted that the pursuance of an alternative was simply too hard.

[6] In many cases young people cross this divide and can simply not endure the pain of high school any longer. We need to show that while suicide may expedite survival the only way to life is through the joyous revolt of desire.

[7] I draw a parallel between the pursuit of grades and the pursuit of value, as the former really is just one of civilization’s many value systems. Any qualitative richness that may miraculously arise during high school is always subordinated to quantitative success.

[8] While it may be true that the activity of high school students during school actually is identical in that they have a limited number of curricula to consume, the subjective responses are plethoric despite this standardization.

[9] I’m rather uncomfortable using the term education due to its prevailing connotations. Though there exist several dictionary definitions for education that do not imply an externally directed formal process.

[booksbookandmorebooks]

Homecoming - The Cinematography.

Hello my lovelies I’m back with my first post of the new year! i thought id start it off with something a little different. When looking at how much I upload and how sporadic my posts seem to be lately I started thinking about what else I do with my time (besides reading) and well, honestly my only other hobby is that I tend to binge watch a lot of shows. In the past month I have binged watched Alias Grace, The OA and shamefully quite a few more including the show I’m here to talk about today, homecoming. So, I thought why not incorporate my passion into my blog. So, from here on out this blog will not only be dedicated to books that I love it will also include my reviews on the recent shows I have been watching. I really hope you enjoy this little change up and enjoy my reviews.

So without further ado let’s get started!

This show is about a young woman known as Heidi (Julia Roberts) who we initially see harassed by a department of defence official. Who is extremely interested in the time she spent employed and head of the project formerly known as home coming. A facility described and branded as a a type of institute focused on helping former soldiers transition back to civilian life after their service and help them adjust. While jumping between the present day and a series of flashbacks we see our characters realise that not only have they been lying to the people around them they have also been lying to themselves and now is the time to face up to the truth and the repercussions of some very questionable choices.

Stats:

Title: Homecoming

Genre: Psychological thriller / Drama

Release date: 02.11.2018

No. of episodes / seasons: 1 Season – 10 Episodes

Episode duration: 25-30 minutes.

Main cast: Julia Roberts, Bobby Cannavale, Stephan James.

Rotten tomatoes rating: 98%

 So to start off with this show is not exactly your normal stero-typical show. If anything, the first half of episode one I was unsure if this was something I would actually enjoy. It all seemed a little too out there but I pushed through and once I had finished episode one I was hooked. The main issue I can see people having with it would be the odd shots and the odd pacing. These are one of a few topics I will be discussing and analysing below. While these factors can be a little daunting and seem a little pretentious, when you really look at them, they become so interesting to watch unfold. You can really let your imagination run with this series, it feels more like an art form in some senses than just a show. Instead of it being a throw away show that is trying to appear edgy, it genuinely provides the audience with this feeling of uneasy and eeriness throughout. This series not only stuck with me for the storyline and the shocking twists but also because of the intensity of emotions you feel when watching. When talking about this with a friend I realised that this show is more addictive due to the anticipation of what experimental shot or method we would experience next, more than overall enjoyment of the show.

 In this post I will mainly be talking about the methods ,themes and the many approaches the director and producers have used to create this show and how they in turn, translated to me personally.

One of the most common shots we see for the first half of the show are these downward angle shots, now im not massively into my media studies so there are most probably a fast amount of terminologies I am missing but bare with me. These shots tend to make you feel like you are watching an animal in a maze. You get to see the characters from a bird’s eye view and watch them wind their way around their surroundings. When watching this I couldn’t help but feel the characters, any characters involved in this method were puppets being watching and manipulated, Even the bigger characters who we initially believe to have power and control are being used. Almost like animals in a testing lab. This is confirmed for me when in the episode the camera pans out to reveal the design of the building our series mainly takes place in. It is a big building with huge celling to floor walls of glass. Almost like an observatory, furthering my theory of observation through testing, a theme we know towards the end of the series is very important to the story development.

Another very important feature in this series is the change in aspect ratio and how its used to differentiate the two time periods that the show is set in. (past and present) the use of this method while a little jarring at first (it had me checking the tv and the app when I watched it) is so clever because when jumping between two different time periods it is so easy to confuse the audience and risk the chance of the storylines becoming messy and convoluted but with this it was almost impossible not to follow. We see the present depicted with two black sections of either side of the screen and the past in full screen view. Now as I mentioned, this method while clever isn’t something that you would necessarily deem as clever. You may see it like I did at first, something there that has no real meaning, it is just to further the weird feeling this show creates, that is until episode eight. Contained in one scene that I won’t spoil for you; a particular character has a huge revelation and the director not only shows the severity and shocking nature of this through the use of facial expressions and music but the aspect ratio we have been used to seeing in the present is used to demonstrate the character being bought into the light. We see that in her moment the camera shot widens and the present is left in full screen mode. To symbolise that her character is no longer in the dark and she can finally see the bigger picture. Something that when it happened I had to take a minute to appreciate it. It blew my mind that how such a simple change can really impact the feeling that you have when watching a show like this.

While on the subject of time differences I want to also mention a more common method but one that proved just as effective. In the shots of the past the colours are all desaturated and have this sad melancholy feel to them which really do help show the vast dullness of our main characters present life. Especially when compared to the flashbacks. The bright lights, the white walls and open nature of the building our main character is working in, the fake over the top smiles everyone sports, the over helpfulness of Heidi when compared to the reclusive and reluctant (almost isolated) whisper of a person we now see. Simple yet, very very effective.

Now as I mentioned, after to talking to some friends that have watched this show the biggest problem most people seemed to share was the pacing. I often heard it referred to as an issue and while I can understand it from their point of view I have to very strongly disagree. This was not an issue for me, this show was not meant to be rushed. It was supposed to burn slowly and gradually to help you grow as a viewer alongside the characters. If this show was rushed the audience would most definitely feel robbed. A piece of art like this is not something to be watched flippantly in one sitting and be disregarded upon a pile of throw away trash tv. This is really something.

I feel the shows pacing is intentionally slow because it mirrors the story and the story telling method. The relationships are gradually built through therapy sessions, a method of help that is used to slowly help the victim. All those subtle sighs, glances and twitches that help define a character are lost if not handled with care and time. You’re not only watching these people, you’re growing with them. It’s a way to engage the audience without them knowing it. Hooking and drawing you in. it captivates you and on reflection once I finished this show, I was fascinated by how it managed to do such an amazing job at that.

Not only that, but at this pace you are provided with enough time to form your own opinions and feelings towards these people, their choices and their pasts, instead of being provided with a set narrative. This way your feelings are not dictated to you, you’re not presented with the black and white ideal of good and bad, in fact this show often tends to blur those lines. Making peoples seemingly bad decisions almost justifiable. We are provided with on numerous occasions scenarios that show not only the redeeming qualities of a person but their flaws and we are able to form our own views on them in our own time. Something that wouldn’t be possible without a slow burner.

I really could continue analysing this show because there are just so many amazing factors. From music to the close-up face shots or the intensity of the volume that changes so frequently but I will stop, I have to at some point. All my friends are bored of me talking this show up, so I suggest you go and watch it yourself. You can only learn so much from a review after all. But if you are looking for something that will leave you speechless and stay with you for weeks after, I can’t recommend this highly enough, if that’s not enough the amazing talent of Julia Roberts should at least tempt you a little. I really hope you enjoy the show and can start looking for your own explanations and feelings towards this alien methodology! Until next time have a great week!

[angelguk]

law of attraction - taeyong scenario

Lee Taeyong - NCT

words - 2.1k

parts - 1 & 2

genre - mafia!au / police!au / angst (eventually)

 warnings - descriptions of violence / drugs / vulgar language 

soundtrack - sir sly, high

note: this scenario will be updated with two chapters everytime

dedicated to @taeyongbelviso happy birthday you headass

1

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

In the distance, a metal door rattled. The clack of a lever being pulled echoed throughout the abandoned warehouse. It faded away back to silence, the watch on Agent Sehun beside you filling the atmosphere with its insistent ticking once again. You kept your gaze focused on the dust-coated floor beneath your worn combat boots, eyes frequently rising to analyse the corroded iron bars that held the shabby structure together. You ignored the urge to stretch your worn muscles out. The flight from London to Seoul had been rushed; you had barely had enough time to recuperate from your previous mission.

Metal scraped against metal as the entrance of warehouse was pushed open, the room instantly flooded with the pale glow of morning sunlight. Footsteps followed the light, the sound of feet colliding with hard floor bouncing off your ears. You’d expected one set of footsteps but your mind registered three. One stopped, firm murmuring joined the pause in movement. The other two carried onwards.

The entrance was suddenly pushed back closed, shutting out the sunlight and leaving all five of you in bathing in the muted glow.

With a small sigh, you spun around on your foot, eyes landing on one expected figure and two strangers.

Chief Soo Man Lee had aged considerably since the last time you’d seen him – which was at your graduation ceremony when he’d recruited you. His thin grey hair was slicked against his forehead, covering wrinkled tan skin. He was slouching a little as if his back was about to give way. Still, his frame was lean, small but lean, and his mouth was drawn into a thin severe line.

“Officer Y/N. Good to see you arrived safely.”

You nodded, gaze shifting to the two men beside him. Both were considerably young, or at least they looked like it. They were dressed in dark colours; the left one was adorned in deep navy slacks and a half-buttoned pressed white shirt, the right in slate trousers and obsidian button up however his sleeves with carefully rolled up to reveal toned pale forearms.

“Before I give you a briefing on the new assignment,” Chief said, tucking his hands into the pockets of his trousers. “I would like to congratulate you on your previous mission. You did exceptionally well Ms Y/L/N. The agency and I are very pleased with your results which is why you were selected for this particular assignment.”

You absorbed the information, suppressing the pride that rose from your guts at his praise. The London incident was insane, especially because you were a new agent. It had shocked you, even more, when they had placed you there for your first assignment. It had also made you more determined to succeed.

Surprisingly that determination had worked for you.

“I’m joined by guests today, as you can see. This,” Chief gestured to his left, “Is Agent Zhang Yixing and this,” his hand gestured to the right, “Is Agent Do Kyungsoo. They’ve joined us from the Secret Service Administration. Officers, this is Officer Y/N.”

S2A Agents. That meant that whatever assignment you were about to be given was of national threat level. Interesting.

Agent Do shot you a smile that didn’t go past his lips. His chestnut eyes were narrowed and you had the odd feeling that he was annoyed at this situation. Zhang was no better, his thin peach toned lips didn’t even bother to contort themselves into a minuscule smile. His gaze was hard and analysing, raking over your figure with haughty scrutiny.  

“Now that introductions are complete, I’ll give you this.” Chief reached into his dark suit jacket, ruffling through the various pockets to extract a thin manila folder. He stepped forward, tossed in your direction.

You barely caught it, crumpling up the folder in your grasp as Chief Lee slowly retreated from the site. He paused, twisting his head to look back you the four of you.

“Zhang and Do will explain the assignment to you and if you have any questions direct it to them. They’ll be mentoring you on everything. Officer Oh will escort you back to your hotel room when this is over. I trust that you will not fail nor embarrass our Agency Y/N.” His brown eyes had hardened into a dark abyss.

“I won’t sir.”

“You better not Y/N. There’s a lot more at stake than you think.”

He left without another word, leaving only the sillage of his musky cologne lingering in the air and your guts twisting with apprehension.  

You ignored both S2A Agents, turning your attention to rifle through the folder you’d be given. There was a singular white paper inside. Gingerly extracting it, your eyes were meant by a familiar name on the sheet.

NAME: LEE TAEYONG

AGE: 22

BORN: 1995/07/01

OCCUPATION: CEO AND FOUNDER OF BLIZZARD (SOFTWARE PROGRAMMING COMPANY)

There was a headshot attached, depicting a young man with dark straight locks that stuck to his pale forehead. You didn’t bother to examine it in detail. Lee Taeyong was one of the most adored entrepreneurs of the 21st century. He’d started his software company three years ago, fresh out of high school, which had quickly risen to be one of the greatest company in South Korea.

You had no idea why you were currently holding his profile.

A cough from Agent Do caught your attention. “It may seem strange that we have Lee Taeyong there but it’s correct. I’m sure you’ve head of the Syndicate?”

You nodded, mind already placing pieces together.

“We’ve been unable to successfully track and detain their leader, however, a month ago we received info that Lee may have contact with him. We need you in to infiltrate their organisation.”

“So I’m posing as a new employee?”

“Not exactly.” Zhang suddenly spoke up, straightening his posture. “The info we received also mentioned that Lee happened to buy a server girl at a bar after she was abused by one of the patrons.”

“So you want me to get beat up to receive his sympathy?”

He smiled, the grin revealing dimples on both sides of his cheeks. “Precisely. It’s better for you to enter in this way. Starting as an employee would take too long and we’ve heard that he’s rarely in the office anyways.”

You sighed, tucking the sheet of paper back into the manila folder. “Why isn’t his file comprehensive?”

“We’ve had trouble researching information on him. Nearly everything was wiped off the web,” Officer Do said.

That alone said a lot. Taeyong does have enough money to pay someone to get this information offline. He could even instruct one of his employees to do it for him. That, however, could only mean that he had something to hide.

“Officer Oh will also be helping us with the investigation,” Zhang nodded at the man who stepped forward. “Tomorrow he will transfer you to the lab where you will be shaped for the assignment.”

Nodding, you reached into your pocket to pull out a lighter. With a click, a small flame burst from the crimson lighter. It took a couple seconds before the file began to burn. The flame licked upwards, engulfing the brown and white papers in a burst of flaming amber. You dropped it once it burnt halfway, watching the rest of the document turn into dark slate ashes.

“Alright then. Let’s go.”

 2

There was a reason Byun Baekhyun was regarded as eccentric by everyone in the agency. The main reason was most likely the fact that the man did not know when to shut his mouth. Words spewed past his thin lips like a gun with the safety turned off. The second would be his personality as an entirety.

“Baekhyun!”

The man promptly halted, hands that had been flogging through the air frozen. He looked at you expectantly, his wire-framed glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose. “Yes?”

Lithely leaping down from the platform above his array of contraptions you focused on the man, a false smile painted on your lips. “How does knowing how immensely enhanced microscopic surveillance has become within the last year relevant to my assignment.”

Knocking his glasses back up, he laughed, a broad smile stretching and etching itself into his skin. “Well, uh, it’s not. Well not necessarily actually. You’re still doing a reconnaissance mission right, so in fact, it could help y-“

“Save it, please. I have a briefing with Oh later. I’m trying to save my tolerance for him.”

The smile on his face vanished, like a rain cloud passing over the bright sun, only to be substituted with a rueful grin. “My apologies Y/N, I’ll try my best to keep my mouth in check. We should start, shan’t we?” He swivelled to face the three grand screens before him. His fingers spryly danced over the keyboards as he swiftly pulled up your new profile. A somber picture of you glared from the screen. Your hair was innocently tied back, revealing wide eyes that rendered you as anodyne. How you managed to seem so delicate after all those years at the Academy still perplexed you.

“Alright, so your new name is Jeon Soyoung. Aged twenty-one. You were born on March 24th, 1996 in Gyeongyong, a small town in Busan. Both your parents are deceased; your mother from a pill overdose and your father from alcohol poisoning. You lost your two younger siblings Kihyun and Minah to social services. Both have been separately adopted within the last three years. Your father was failed salesmen so you’ve been living beneath the poverty line since you were fifteen. After your mother’s death social services took away Minah but they left Kihyun with you who was adopted last year. You don’t speak to your siblings because you don’t want to remind them of what they went through. You graduated high school with mediocre grades and failed to secure a decent university placement. You’ve been in and out of work since you graduated, mostly doing bar work. You moved to Seoul because your uncle’s friend promised to find you a decent place to stay and work placement. And that basically sums it up.”

You nodded, brain absorbed the information Byun had just dumped at your feet. There were still inconsistencies that you could pick from the fabricated story though. “What is my uncle’s friend name?”

“Lee Minjae,” Byun easily shot back.

“And how can we prove this?”

“Chief Lee hasn’t informed you? We’ve had several agents posted around that area since we found out Taeyong could be implicated in drug smuggling. He frequents the place too often for us not be curious about it Y/N.”

You blinked, vaguely surprised. “For how long?”

“Around six months now. The locals know the agent well and his credibility among them is decent.”

“Oh.” Six months! They’ve been planning this mission for six months? The stakes at risk instantly become more apparent.

“Alright then, that’s covered. Now come over here Soyoung you need some fancy gadgets to help you catch the bad guys.”

You scorned at him, following his trail to the glass cabinet where he stored all his surveillance equipment.  

“These,” He said, snatching up a box of contact lenses, “Have built-in cameras. Try not to rub your eyes as you’ll displace or scuff the lenses.” He tossed them onto the marble counter you’d leaned on. He then reached for a thin small flat onyx box. His fingers gently grazed against the cover and it snapped into two, revealing a lethal looking blade. “Keep this around your chest or in between your thighs if you can. Also if you press right here,” He motioned to the tip of the box, “A red light will appear and it’ll allow you to record. Albeit only conversations that a relatively close to you.”

You idly toyed at the contacts and the blade Byun had handed over. “Is that it?”

He nodded, fluffy blonde curls bouncing eagerly. “I can’t give you much more since the length of the mission is unclear. Even those are a risk. If you’re found with that blade what possible explanations could you give?”

Your lips twist into a rueful smile that didn’t’ reach your eyes. “It was a gift from my ignominious mother.” Baekhyun wouldn’t have even guessed what you truly meant, assuming the statement was not a harsh truth but rather a poor attempt at a joke.

He still laughed, the warm chuckle colouring the cool air vibrant. The laugh grazed gently against your skin, slipping beneath the thick surface with difficulty. Your smile fell as he said, with palpable obliviousness floating in his voice, “Have some shame Soyoung. Your parents must be rolling in their graves.”

a/n - happy late late late bithday present zey and thank you to all my little lovelies for reading. feedback is appreprcated!- faith

[theresawelchy]

The Problem with Percentiles - Aggregation brings Aggravation

Percentiles have become one of the primary service level indicators to represent real systems monitoring performance. When used correctly, they provide a robust metric that can be used for base-of-mission critical service level objectives. However, there’s a reason for the “when used correctly” above.

For all their potential, percentiles do have subtle limitations that are very often overlooked by the people using them in analyses.

There’s no shortage of previous writings on this topic, most notably Baron Schwartz’s “Why Percentiles Don’t Work the Way You Think.” Here, I’ll focus on data, and why you should pay close attention to how percentiles are applied.

Right off the bat, the most misused technique is aggregation of percentiles. You should almost never average percentiles, because even very fundamental aggregation tasks cannot be accommodated by percentile metrics. It is often thought that since percentiles are cheap to obtain by most telemetry systems, and good enough to use with little effort, that they are appropriate for aggregation and system wide performance analysis most of the time. While this is true most of the time and for most systems, you lose the ability to determine when your data is lying to you — for example, when you have high (+/- 5% and greater) error rates that are hidden from you.

Those times when your systems are misbehaving the most? That’s exactly when you don’t have the data to tell you where things are going wrong.

Check the Math

Let’s look at an example* of request latencies of two webservers (W1 blue, W2 red). P95 of the blue server is 220ms, p95 of the red one is 650ms:

What’s the total p95 across both nodes (W1, W2)? (plot generated with matplotlib)

By aggregating the latency distributions of each web server, we find that the total p95 is 230ms. W2 barely served any requests, so adding requests from there did not change p95 of W1 by much. Now, naive averaging of the percentiles would have given you: (220+650) / 2 = 87/2 = 435ms, which is ~200% away from the true total percentile (230ms).

So, if you have a Service Level Indicator in this scenario of “95th percentile latency of requests over past 5 minutes < 300ms,” and you averaged P95s instead of calculating from a distribution, you would be led to believe that you have exceeded your SLI by ~30%. Folks would be getting paged even though they didn’t need to be, and maybe conclude that additional servers were needed (when in fact this scenario represents overprovisioning).

Incorrect math can result in tens of thousands of dollars of unneeded capacity, not to mention the cost of the time of the humans in the loop.

*If you want to play with the numbers yourself to get a feel for how these scenarios can develop, there is a sample calculation with link to an online percentile calculator in the appendix [1]

“Almost Never” Actually Means “Never Ever”

“But above, you said ‘almost never’ when saying that we shouldn’t ever average percentiles?”

That’s 100% correct. (No pun intended.)

You see, there are circumstances where you can average percentiles and get a result that has low errors. Namely, when the distribution of your data sources are identical. The most obvious case is when the latencies are from two web servers that are (a) healthy and (b) serve very similar load.

Be aware that this supposition breaks down as soon as either of those conditions is violated! Those are the cases where you are most interested in your monitoring data, when one of your servers starts misbehaving or you got a load balancing problem.

“But my servers usually have an even distribution of request latencies which are nearly identical, so that doesn’t affect me, right?”

Well, sure, if your web servers have nearly identical latency distributions, go ahead and calculate your total 95th percentile for the system by averaging the percentiles from each server. But when you have one server that decides to run into swap and slow down, you likely won’t notice a problem, since the data indicating it is effectively hidden.

So still, you should never average percentiles; you won’t be able to know when the approach you are taking is hurting you at the worst time.

Averaging percentiles masks problems with nodes that would otherwise be apparent

Percentiles are aggregates, but they should not be aggregated. They should be calculated, not stored. There are a considerable number of operational time series data monitoring systems, both open source and commercial, which will happily store percentiles at 5 minute (or similar) intervals. If you want to look at a year’s worth of data, you will encounter spike erosion. The percentiles are averaged to fit the number of pixels in the time windows on the graph. And that averaged data is mathematically wrong.

Example of Spike Erosion: 2 week view on the left shows a max of ~22ms. 24 hour view on the right shows a max of ~70ms.

Clever Hacks

“So, the solution is to store every single sample like you did in the example, right?”

Well, yes and no.

You can store each sample, and generate correct percentiles from them, but at any more than a modest scale, this becomes prohibitively expensive. Some open-source time series databases and monitoring systems do this, but you give up either scalability in data ingest, or length of data retention. One million 64-bit integer samples per second for a year occupies 229 TB of space. One week of data of this data is 4 TB; doable with off-the-shelf hardware, but economically impractical for analysis, as well as wasteful.

“Ah, but I’ve thought up a better solution. I can just store the number of requests that are under my desired objective, say 500 milliseconds, and the number of requests that are above, and I can divide by the two to calculate a correct percentile!”

This is a valid approach, one that I have even implemented with a monitoring system that was not able to store full distributions. However, the limitation is subtle; if after some time I decide that my objective of 500ms was too aggressive and move it to 600ms, all of the historical data that I’ve collected is useless. I have to reset my counters and begin anew.

Store Distributions, Not Percentiles

A better approach than storing percentiles is to store the source sample data in a manner that is more efficient than storing single samples, but still able to produce statistically significant aggregates. The histogram, or distribution, is one such approach.

There are many types of histograms, but here at Circonus we use the log-linear histogram. It provides a mix of storage efficiency and statistical accuracy. Worst-case errors at single digit sample sizes are 5%, quite a bit better than the 200% that we demonstrated above by averaging percentiles.

Log Linear histogram view of load balancer request latency. Note the increase in bin size by a factor of 10 at 1.0M (1 million)

Storage efficiency is significantly better than storing individual samples; a year’s worth of 5 minute log linear histogram windows (10 bytes per bin, 300 bins/window) can be stored in ~300MB (sans compression). Reading this amount of data from disk quickly is tractable with most physical (and virtualized) systems in under a second. The mergeability properties of histograms allows precomputed cumulative histograms to be stored for analytically useful windows such as 1 minute and 3 hours. This allows the composition of large time spans of time series telemetry to be rapidly assembled from sets that are visually relevant to the end user (think one year of data with histogram windows of six hours each).

Using histograms for operational time series data may seem like a challenge at first, but there are a lot of resources out there to help you out. We have published open source libraries of our log linear histograms in C, Golang, and even JavaScript. The Envoy proxy is one project that has implemented the log linear histogram C implementation for operational statistics. The Istio service mesh uses the Golang version of the log linear histogram library via our open source gometrics package to record latency metrics as distributions.

https://github.com/circonus-labs/libcircllhist

https://github.com/circonus-labs/circonusllhist

https://github.com/circonus-labs/circllhist.js

In Conclusion

Percentiles are a staple tool of real systems monitoring, but their limitations should be understood. Because percentiles are provided by nearly every monitoring and observability toolset without limitations on their usage, they can be applied to analyses easily without the operator needing to understand the consequences of *how* they are applied. Understanding the common scenarios where percentiles give the wrong answers is just as important as having an understanding of how they are generated from operational time series data.

If you use percentiles now, you are already capturing data as distributions to some degree through your toolset. Knowing how that toolset generates percentiles from that source telemetry will ensure that you can evaluate if your use of percentiles to answer business questions is mathematically correct.

Appendix

Suppose I have two servers behind a load balancer, answering web requests. I use some form of telemetry gathering software to ingest the time it takes for each web server to complete serving its respective requests in milliseconds. I get results like this:

Web server 1: [22,90,73,296,55] Web server 2: [935,72,18,553,267,351,56,28,45,873]

I’ll make the calculations here so easy that you can try them out yourself at https://goodcalculators.com/percentile-calculator/

What is the 90th percentile of requests from web server 1?

Solution:

Step 1. Arrange the data in ascending order: 22, 55, 73, 90, 296

Step 2. Compute the position of the pth percentile (index i):

i = (p / 100) * n), where p = 90 and n = 5 i = (90 / 100) * 5 = 4.5

Step 3. The index i is not an integer, round up.

(i = 5) ⇒

the 90th percentile is the value in 5th position, or 296

Answer: the 90th percentile is 296

What is the 90th percentile of requests from web server 2?

Solution:

Step 1. Arrange the data in ascending order: 18, 28, 45, 56, 72, 267, 351, 553, 873, 935

Step 2. Compute the position of the pth percentile (index i):

i = (p / 100) * n), where p = 90 and n = 10 i = (90 / 100) * 10 = 9

Step 3. The index i is an integer ⇒ the 90th percentile is the average of the values in the 8th and 9th positions (873 and 935 respectively)

Answer: the 90th percentile is

(873 + 935) / 2 = 904

So web server 1 q(0.9) is 296, web server 2 q(0.9) is 904. If our objective is to keep our 90th percentile of requests overall under 500ms, did we meet that objective?

Let’s try averaging these percentiles, which you should not ever do in reality.

q(0.9) as average of (q(0.9) web server 1, q(0.9) web server2) = (904+296)/2 = 600ms.

We were under our objective by about 20%, which is not bad. So we think everything is ok, right? Let’s calculate the p90 the right way and see what we get.

First we merge all values together, then use the percentile calculator on the merged set.

935,72,18,553,267,351,56,28,45,873,22,90,73,296,55

Solution:

Step 1. Arrange the data in ascending order: 18, 22, 28, 45, 55, 56, 72, 73, 90, 267, 296, 351, 553, 873, 935

Step 2. Compute the position of the pth percentile (index i):

i = (p / 100) * n), where p = 90 and n = 15 i = (90 / 100) * 15 = 13.5

Step 3. The index i is not an integer, round up.

(i = 14) ⇒

the 90th percentile is the value in 14th position, or 873

Answer: the 90th percentile is 873

Now our correct 90th percentile is 873 instead of 600. An increase of 273, or 45.5%. Quite a difference, no? If you had used averages, you might be thinking that your website is delivering responses at a latency that you believed was acceptable for most users. In reality, 90% of requests are under a threshold that is almost 50% larger than you thought.

[end-poaching-lindborg]

Theory of Writing

I would describe my theory of writing as a process, a process in which you have to be patient in order to succeed. But what does it mean that ‘writing is a process’? , it means that you can’t just write an amazing paper in one sitting. Good writing takes time, patience and discipline if you want your work to turn out well. My theory of writing hasn’t always been the same, it was drastically different before stepping foot into WRIT 1133. I have always enjoyed writing on a more creative side, where I get to express how I feel on paper, but writing in the classroom always seemed to be somewhat difficult for me. Writing in a traditional school setting was more difficult for me because I never necessarily had a strong viewpoint on ‘good’ writing was nor cared about it enough to have any views. I always had written the bare minimum that I needed to do in order to pass because I never understood how much patience a good writing piece took. I always had a hard time writing in a very traditional format that I was taught growing up in school.  Joining this class made me realize how important it is to be a good writer if you are using it in a creative aspect or in a school setting. I realized that remaining patient through the countless essays I have written, it will benefit me as a writer. 

 My previous work before this class was at the University of St. Thomas in Minnesota, where I had taken two writing classes. The first writing class was a common curriculum where we focused mostly on fairy tales, plays, folklore, and Frankenstein. I did really enjoy that class because the material was amusing to read and it was something that fascinated me. The writing, on the other hand, was very informal and casual, I never really was able to expand on my writing skills or develop what a good sense of writing was. One assignment in specific was to rewrite a fairytale, where I rewrote Hansel and Gretal, I made them to be cannibalistic children. In that specific piece I wrote, I had a lot of fun because I was able to use my imagination and rewrite one of the most known fairy tales. That class used a lot of creativity and imagination, but never taught me the proper way to write.

 The following semester at St. Thomas, I enrolled in another writing class involving the literature of food. It sounds silly, but it was really interesting because I learned how food is portrayed in literature, the significance of specific dishes in other cultures, and how food unites people.  I had the same professor as my first-semester writing class so my views on writing remained the same, very informal. The writing assignments I completed for this class were mostly reflections and analyses of texts that we read, it was never in a traditional format, more where we interpreted what we thought. I thoroughly enjoyed my time in those two classes, but I never got the chance to deepen my knowledge as to what good writing is. I wouldn’t necessarily consider my previous writing classes as a roadblock, but it definitely did not help me as I transitioned to DU and joined WRIT 1133.

I write outside of the classroom setting as well, a non-academic way though. I find that creative writing is soothing to me. Typically when I am feeling sad, anxious, or stressed,  I like to take out my feelings on pen and paper. I go off the grid and will write my feelings for hours in the form of poetry. I use poetry as a stress reliever, but most importantly to get my feelings out. I am not one to talk about my feelings or burden others of my problems, so I write to get my feelings out. No one ever sees what I write, I just keep it to myself and like to look at my progress as a creative writer. I typically focus on heartbreak, in specific. I know I am young, but writing about that one boy who broke my heart seems to be my specialty. My favorite thing to write about mostly is outer space and natural elements on earth. I compare how I feel to the stars, sun, moon, fire, air, wind, and any other element that seems fitting.  I use metaphors to describe my emotions. In a piece specifically, I describe my feelings and memories like the weather, it goes 

“Your love was like the weather,

I felt it all over me.

Some days were blue skies,

others were as gloomy as nightfall.

Somehow my darkest nights were still bright,

with you by my side.

When I was with you, 

I would feel sanctuary in your arms.

Most days, 

you made me feel like rain.

Your love will continue to be like the weather.

Hopefully, you don’t turn into a natural disaster.” 

I remember bawling my eyes out while writing that poem. I honestly can say that I have never shared those pieces I’ve written, so this is the first. When I say that I use creative writing, mainly poetry, as a stress reliever, I just write whatever feels right.  I do really enjoy writing when I can use my creative side and have it be as non-academic as possible. My poetry hasn’t helped me improve as an academic writer, but it has allowed me to become more creative when I write. 

Once I joined WRIT 1133, I really understood the importance of writing in a more traditional setting and how I can better myself as a writer. I would say that my writing has definitely evolved since the beginning of this quarter, I became more disciplined when it came to drafting and revising. When I previously wrote in a school setting, I usually turned in my first draft with little revision, I now completely understand why drafting is so important. There was one reading that was assigned that stood out to me, Collin Brooke and Allison Carr emphasizes the need for a ‘shitty first draft’. That ‘shitty first draft’ relates back to my theory of writing is a process, you need to have that shitty first draft in order to create a piece that is worth reading and something that you are proud of.  For example, the research essay we have been working on in this class, that is a process. In no way shape or form, I would be able to write it in one sitting, I need to have time to analyze the work I have done in order to blossom into a paper I am proud of. My writing has even evolved within the past ten weeks of being in this class, starting with the Tumblr posts. When I first started uploading to Tumblr, I never gave any of my posts that much thought, I then started to realize that what I was writing wasn’t cutting it, That is when I decided to kick it up a notch and give writing my full potential. I can see the difference in my writing from the start of the quarter to the end, I have grown and now know what it takes. 

I have been using my new and improved theory of writing, especially for this class. Understanding that writing is a difficult process has opened my eyes to realize how much work goes into writing. Drawing back to the first mapping activity, where we brainstormed the key terms of good writing, I chose--creativity, curiosity, research, analyzing, flexibility and organization. I still do believe that all of those are key concepts of what good writing is. Especially with how I enjoy creative writing, I need all of those aspects in order to create something I actually am proud of.  However, I have had many ideas added to that list, especially after reading the eight habits of mind. The eight habits of mind that were not on my list were--persistence, metacognition, engagement, responsibility, and openness. All of those terms are factors into good writing as well. While developing my theory of writing, I kept all of those terms in mind. I have already incorporated my theory of writing, even in this theory proposal! I have been able to be persistent and patient in situations where I want my essay to be over with. The theory of writing has been beneficial to me because I have been able to figure out my writing style, and how I can work with it. 

My own personal theory of writing will be able to help me through future writing scenarios I encounter. Whether it be in a class or a new job, or if I somehow become famous and have to put out PR statements (haha). I will be able to utilize my knowledge that WRIT 1133 gave me about my future endeavors. I will never forget that I need to be consistent and patience because writing is a process, a damn long one.

[helenwhiteart-blog]

I try to keep the topics in this space “upbeat” and resoundingly positive but, sometimes, there’s a topic that can’t be stepped around without getting serious and more than a little bit pessimistic-sounding. The latest phase of technology, known as 5G, is being rolled out regardless of the lack of any significant “data” to demonstrate it will not significantly harm life on this planet (and plenty to suggest it will…); rushed through like some sort of shotgun wedding to cover the tracks of something else that is gestating on the other side of it and I can’t pretend I’m not noticing, or concerned, any more. This matter feels pressing and serious to the point most other things feel like mere distraction tactics to keep us busy while what is poised to alter everything about our planet gets “rolled out” before most people seem to know what’s really involved.

I’m no luddite, I love some of what technology can do, but I recognise when vested interest has got the upper hand over human and planetary wellbeing; and, once this is “switched on”, do we really think that those who control it are going to switch it back off, for any justification whatsoever, including the scenario that we discover large numbers are being made unwell by this “blanket” (that means it will be absolutely everywhere; no running away from it) technology? There will be just too much vested interest involved. The idea that corporations can “buy” bandwidth like a piece of real estate is just so obviously flawed, but then they get away with it by saying its all for our benefit…but what about our health and the health of the planet (intrinsically connected, as I hope you’re aware)? Many of us that are electro-sensitive only cope with our lives now by opting out or minimising exposure but there will be no hope of that once this is rolled out; not a beach or a remote rural field anywhere will be immune if the aspirations of the telecoms industry are realised.

Have you even heard about the likely effect this short wave high frequency source of radiation, that will be literally everywhere, on the trees, the bees, the birds and the effect on plant growth, water, our very ecosystem? Already, we are seeing trees culled to make way for uninterupted shortwave signals between the closely positioned antenae (because leaves and rain water interfere with its signals) not to mention birds “mysteriously” falling from the sky during tests. For more studies about the likely effect on bees (so crucial to our ecosystem) and other wildlife, plants and so on, see all the information I have collated below. Yes, we can even expect our beloved pets to be affected; my dog already is…hates it, paces around, when I (very rarely now) switch the wifi back on for a few minutes. The frequency of 5G will be up to 100 times faster; how naive are those who think animals that tune into so much more than we do won’t be affected.

This is all quite asside from the risks to human health, especially in connection to skin, nervous system, eyesight, heart regulation (symptoms I already know so well, as do many other people who are sensitive to earlier generations of this technology), which are considerable when it comes to 5G, as is well-supported by scientists from all over the world, many of whom have urged that we slow down or stop the roll-out of 5G before its too late. I’ve just spent some time researching the topic and its not happy reading.

There’s a cloud of misinformation and ulterior motives obscuring what should be our true priorities around this topic. If this continues, I believe we will see one nefarious action after the other, “justified” by the drive to grab this new technology and with all of our previous niggles about the eco-crisis overshadowed into oblivion by a giant monster of an eco-meltdown, not to mention the likelihood of considerable health repercusions, swept under the carpet until its too late. We need to educate ourselves and fast; this isn’t going away as we sit here pretending its none of our business…it effects all of us, profoundly.

So, today, I shared my misgivings in a post on my other website Spinning the Light (full version here – The Terrible responsibility of “Just Knowing”) and I’m going to re-share some of the most compelling information, especially realting to health, at the bottom of this post. If you are already concerned about your health or that of a loved one, or indeed about the ecosystem, you can’t not be concerned about this issue since it has far reaching (you could say “blanket”) repercusions.

Not just an issue for highly-sensitive people anymore…

Before sharing a collection of articles and links, I just want to state that this feels like it affects all of us now, not just those who are highly sensitive. For those of us already responding badly to cellular technology, I believe this has less to do with “poor health” and much more to do with an early-warning system that these technologies are not yet compatible with human biology (my health crashed with the advent of the smartphone; in our way, those like me have become the experts). We might get there in the end, if human and animal wellbeing are kept well in the picture of how these technologies are developed (we need to learn so much more about what health entails than most doctors or scientists currently know)…but we are not even close, yet.  The point is, we shouldn’t be rushing into anything so unknown to us, like there’s a race to be won.

Most people may assume that they haven’t been sensitive to the previous generations of cellular commication and so this will be no problem to them. However, from what scientists already know, 5G opens up the potential for a new arena of risk relating to skin, nervous system and eyes which, as someone who already suffers from skin and vision issues relating to 4G and bluetooth, is a major concern to me.

“The biggest concern is how these new wavelengths will affect the skin. The human body has between two million to four million sweat ducts. Dr. Ben-Ishai of Hebrew University, Israel explains that our sweat ducts act like “an array of helical antennas when exposed to these wavelengths,” meaning that we become more conductive. A recent New York study which experimented with 60GHz waves stated that ‘the analyses of penetration depth show that more than 90% of the transmitted power is absorbed in the epidermis and dermis layer’. The effects of MMWs as studied by Dr. Yael Stein of Hebrew University is said to also cause humans physical pain as our nociceptors flare up in recognition of the wave as a damaging stimuli. So we’re looking at possibilities of many skin diseases and cancer as well as physical pain to our skin.” From Electrosense – 5G Radiation Dangers – 11 Reasons To Be Concerned.

In case all that wasn’t enough to worry about, this technology is already used for crowd control and paves the way for any single neighbourood, or even more precise targets than that, to be subjected to a new generation of control weaponry in the hands of those who would want such a thing…

The following extract, with many links to supporting studies etc, is taken from an INTERNATIONAL APPEAL Stop 5G on Earth and in Space (go to website for full appeal):

“Despite widespread denial, the evidence that radio frequency (RF) radiation is harmful to life is already overwhelming. The accumulated clinical evidence of sick and injured human beings, experimental evidence of damage to DNA, cells and organ systems in a wide variety of plants and animals, and epidemiological evidence that the major diseases of modern civilisation—cancer, heart disease and diabetes—are in large part caused by electromagnetic pollution, forms a literature base of well over 10,000 peer-reviewed studies.

If the telecommunications industry’s plans for 5G come to fruition, no person, no animal, no bird, no insect and no plant on Earth will be able to avoid exposure, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, to levels of RF radiation that are tens to hundreds of times greater than what exists today, without any possibility of escape anywhere on the planet. These 5G plans threaten to provoke serious, irreversible effects on humans and permanent damage to all of the Earth’s ecosystems.”

At least five companies[5] are proposing to provide 5G from space from a combined 20,000 satellites in low- and medium-Earth orbit that will blanket the Earth with powerful, focused, steerable beams. Each satellite will emit millimetre waves with an effective radiated power of up to 5 million watts[6] from thousands of antennas arranged in a phased array. Although the energy reaching the ground from satellites will be less than that from ground-based antennas, it will irradiate areas of the Earth not reached by other transmitters and will be additional to ground-based 5G transmissions from billions of IoT objects. Even more importantly, the satellites will be located in the Earth’s magnetosphere, which exerts a significant influence over the electrical properties of the atmosphere. The alteration of the Earth’s electromagnetic environment may be an even greater threat to life than the radiation from ground-based antennas.“

Even before 5G was proposed, dozens of petitions and appeals[7] by international scientists, including the Freiburger Appeal signed by over 3,000 physicians, called for a halt to the expansion of wireless technology and a moratorium on new base stations.[8]

In 2015, 215 scientists from 41 countries communicated their alarm to the United Nations (UN) and World Health Organization (WHO).[9] They stated that “numerous recent scientific publications have shown that EMF [electromagnetic fields] affects living organisms at levels well below most international and national guidelines”. More than 10,000 peer-reviewed scientific studies demonstrate harm to human health from RF radiation.[10] [11]

Effects include:

Alteration of heart rhythm[12]

Altered gene expression[13]

Altered metabolism[14]

Altered stem cell development[15]

Cancers[16]

Cardiovascular disease[17]

Cognitive impairment[18]

DNA damage[19]

Impacts on general well-being[20]

Increased free radicals[21]

Learning and memory deficits[22]

Impaired sperm function and quality[23]

Miscarriage[24]

Neurological damage[25]

Obesity and diabetes[26]

Oxidative stress[27]

Effects in children include autism,[28] attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)[29][30]and asthma.[31]

Damage goes well beyond the human race, as there is abundant evidence of harm to diverse plant- and wildlife[32][33] and laboratory animals, including:

Ants[34]

Birds[35][36]

Forests[37]

Frogs[38]

Fruit flies[39]

Honey bees[40]

Insects[41]

Mammals[42]

Mice[43][44]

Plants[45]

Rats[46]

Trees[47]

Negative microbiological effects[48] have also been recorded.

The WHO’s International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) concluded in 2011 that RF radiation of frequencies 30 kHz – 300 GHz are possibly carcinogenic to humans (Group 2B).[49]However, recent evidence, including the latest studies on cell phone use and brain cancer risks, indicate that RF radiation is proven carcinogenic to humans[50]and should now be classified as a “Group 1 carcinogen” along with tobacco smoke and asbestos.

Most contemporary wireless signals are pulse-modulated. Harm is caused by both the high-frequency carrier wave and the low-frequency pulsations.[51]

The idea that we will tolerate tens to hundreds of times more radiation at millimetre wavelengths is based on faulty modelling of the human body as a shell filled with a homogeneous liquid.[77][78] The assumption that millimetre waves do not penetrate beyond the skin completely ignores nerves,[79] blood vessels[80][81] and other electrically conducting structures that can carry radiation-induced currents deep into the body.[82][83][84]Another, potentially more serious error is that phased arrays are not ordinary antennas. When an ordinary electromagnetic field enters the body, it causes charges to move and currents to flow. But when extremely short electromagnetic pulses enter the body, something else happens: the moving charges themselves become little antennas that reradiate the electromagnetic field and send it deeper into the body. These reradiated waves are called Brillouin precursors.[85] They become significant when either the power or the phase of the waves changes rapidly enough.[86] 5G will probably satisfy both criteria.

In addition, shallow penetration in itself poses a unique danger to eyes and to the largest organ of the body, the skin, as well as to very small creatures. Peer-reviewed studies have recently been published, predicting thermal skin burns[87] in humans from 5G radiation and resonant absorption by insects,[88] which absorb up to 100 times as much radiation at millimetre wavelengths as they do at wavelengths presently in use. Since populations of flying insects have declined by 75-80 per centsince 1989 even in protected nature areas,[89] 5G radiation could have catastrophic effects on insect populations worldwide. A 1986 study by Om Gandhi warned that millimetre waves are strongly absorbed by the cornea of the eye, and that ordinary clothing, being of millimetre-size thickness, increases the absorption of energy by the skin by a resonance-type effect.[90] Russell (2018) reviews the known effects of millimetre waves on skin, eyes (including cataracts), heart rate, immune system and DNA.[91]

Stakeholders thus far in the development of 5G have been industry and governments, while renowned international EMF scientists who have documented biological effects on humans, animals, insects and plants, and alarming effects on health and the environment in thousands of peer-reviewed studies have been excluded. The reason for the current inadequate safety guidelines is that conflicts of interest of standard-setting bodies “due to their relationships with telecommunications or electric companies undermine the impartiality that should govern the regulation of Public Exposure Standards for non-ionizing radiation”. [92] Professor Emeritus Martin L. Pall lays out the conflicts of interest in detail, and the lists of important studies that have been excluded, in his literature review. [93]

Other related articles and quotes:

“Cryptochromes are very badly affected by weak oscillating electromagnetic fields that are orders of magnitude weaker than the Earth’s steady magnetic field. This can disrupt both solar and magnetic navigation, which can account for colony collapse disorder in bees.”—Dr. Andrew Goldsworthy, quoted in Bees, Butterflies And Wildlife: Research On Electromagnetic Fields And The Environment by The Environmental Health Trust.

“Life’s exquisite electro-physiology is still being discovered. Researchers at Bristol University reported in May that bees’ hairs are highly sensitive to flowers’ delicate EMFs. In controlled trials in Switzerland, bees reacted to mobile-phone signals with high-pitched ‘piping’: a cue to desert a hive.” – Wireless Pollution ‘Out of Control’ as Corporate Race for 5G Gears Up.

Hundreds of Birds Dead During 5G Experiment in the Netherlands from one of many accounts related to 5G and birds.

Doctors worldwide reporting the incredible benefits of reducing EMF exposure (as I can testify, though this will no longer be possible to achieve once 5G arrives).

“The plans to beam highly penetrative 5G milliwave radiation at us from space must surely be one of the greatest follies ever conceived of by mankind. There will be nowhere safe to live.” – Olga Sheean former WHO employee and author of ‘No Safe Place’

“It would irradiate everyone, including the most vulnerable to harm from radiofrequency radiation: pregnant women, unborn children, young children, teenagers, men of reproductive age, the elderly, the disabled, and the chronically ill.” —Ronald Powell, PhD, Letter to FCC on 5G expansion

“Milimetre Waves (MMWs from 5G) are absorbed by both plants and rain. Studies have already shown that MMWs may invoke stress protein changes in plants such as wheat shoots, while low levels of nonionizing radiation have been linked to disturbances and health problems in birds and bees. It could even pose a danger to the food supply via its potential absorption by plants”. From Amplified EMFs Coming to Your Neighborhood Soon and many more articles on these topics.

Neuroscientist Dr Sarah Starkey talks about the “official advice”on radiation frequency and how it came about, riddled as it was with conflicts of interest that, to this day, still prevent the public interest from being safeguarded by their findings (video of her presentation here and below).

The so-called “independent” evidence used to prepare the guidelines currently used for raditation exposure (as presented by Dr Sarah Starkey on 5th November 2018 at the PHIRE Conference, London).

What we desperately need to happen now…

  What we need now…before we go any further, not after 5G has been fully invested in. From Dr Sarah Starkey, talk given at the PHIRE Conference, London, as above.

  Finally, lets not underestimate the psychological trauma of feeling as though we have no say in this monumental decision

…nor are we being left anywhere alternative that we can live if we choose not to subject ourselves to 5G, for health or other reasons. Quite literally, our planet, and all the things we most love about it, are being taken from us.

Many of us, I suspect, are feeling like this right now…perhaps not even allowing the misgivings to take form; keeping them in, dreading conflict with people who hold different viewpoints, addressing those disquieting things we know are going on inside as “health symptoms” to be turned off with medication or other means. My urge to you, if this feels accurate, is that we must speak out, must air our concerns, play our part (however small)…we owe it to ourselves, our children and their children, all the other species we share this space with and, of course, our beloved planet.

Despite all that I have shared (please look through some of the information I’ve taken the time to put together above) and much more sobering and credible information online, from which the logical conclusion would be that we rethink or, at least, slow down the 5G process, there seems to be no sign of this happening. As I just heard on a video celebrating this new technology, those people who are working on it really don’t know what it is or will be capable of doing…its all work in progress and we are the experiment.

Our govenment’s response to a recent petition, for the record, was merely “Exposure to radio waves has been carefully researched and reviewed. The overall weight of evidence does not suggest devices producing exposures within current guidelines pose a risk to public health…However, the results of this study highlight the continuing uncertainties in this complex area and reinforce the importance of mobile phone users following the long-standing precautionary advice, which is available at the following links…”. This painfully naive response, which suggests they don’t even seem to fully realise that there will be noability to “follow precautionary advice” to avoid over-exposure of something that will thickly blanket every square inch of the entire atmosphere of the world, whether we are “holding the phone close to the body” or not, reaffirms what seems to be the case here. The corporations and those behind them are playing the role of decision-making adults here, our governments are like little children wanting the latest gadgets and we are all caught in the crossfire; there is no interest whatsoever in the harmful effects that are about to be unleashed (perhaps they are desired) and it is down to the individuals like you and I to share this information and make ourselves heard, as a matter of urgency, before its too late.

Meanwhile…inept as it feels…we can pour our love and attention, more than ever before, into what we most fear losing, sharing the gift of our appreciation with trees, bees, birds and other creatures, a sky (relatively) free of interference, the fact that Nature’s cycles approximate what we expect, that we can still eat food that hasn’t been tampered with by unseen bandwidths, that not all our water is yet forced to ring to the clanging frequencies of manmade “sounds” carried on invisible waves (water being a mimicker of those frequencies that surround it, as demonstrated by Dr Emoto), indeed our profound gratitude for having food and water…at all. And we can meditate and hold abundant space, inside ourselves, for something far mightier than the monster tech of our times to arise out of the core of our planet and call time on such ill-informed tamperings; since the one untested territory we have as our trump card is that we know-not the power of our own (and combined) focus when fuelled by the most positive intentions.

The new 5G technology is set to alter absolutely everything about our planet, and not just the way we access the internet or control our living spaces. From the wellbing of birds and bees, the health of our trees, the effect upon our crops, our water supplies...plus some pretty likely, and severe, effects on the human nervous system and skin, there's a lot that we need to eductate ourselves about, before its too late. I try to keep the topics in this space "upbeat" and resoundingly positive but, sometimes, there's a topic that can't be stepped around without getting serious and more than a little bit pessimistic-sounding. 

[ges-sa]

DarthZadyBun has Murder on the Cards - find out more now!

New Post has been published on https://ges-sa.com/preview-murder-on-the-cards/

PREVIEW : MURDER ON THE CARDS

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Until Data Falls…

What follows below is a data friendly written preview feature of this newly developed card game.

For everyone else who isn’t a cheapskate, or isn’t otherwise vexed by the ridiculous process of data bundles, please have a look at the video feature above.

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INTRODUCTION:

Now I know that I’m not the only one who spent waaaay too many hours playing Assassin’s Creed, God of war and a little bit of Call of Duty and accidentally found myself coming up with creative (and dare I say) inventive ways of offing some frienemies and family.

Image my sheer elation when I discovered the sheer AWESOMENESS that is MURDER ON THE CARDS.

MURDER ON THE CARDS is a new card game developed by South African based inventors, Samantha and Steve, a happily married duo out to bring a little fun into the world.

I emphasise the happily married part because I wouldn’t want either of them to be a suspect if anything ever happened to the other (when you see the cards you will understand exactly why.)

Samantha is a Strategist in the digital marketing world (hence the Save Yourself options- I will tell you about that in a little bit), and Steve is all about keeping IT systems up and running (you’ll notice how no murder scenarios happen within either of these industries in the game… too close to home methinks).[/vc_column_text][vc_single_image image=”29900″ img_size=”large”][vc_column_text]

HOW DOES IT WORK

Okay so the game is a card game and it is rigged to kill you – all you have to do to win is make like a Bee-Gees song and stay alive the longest to win!

There are three classes of cards, namely :

1. To Your Demise Cards (the ones that are trying to kill you),

2. Save Yourself Cards, and

3. Life Cards.

At the start of the game, every player gets a mix of Save Yourself Cards and a Life Card in their hand to combat the To Your Demise cards placed in the middle of the players.

Every turn, a player picks up a To Your Demise card and hopes they have the right Save Yourself card to thwart whatever murderous scenario is on it – if they don’t, they can call on the kindness (they hope) of the other players in the game to help them out.

It gets slightly tricky though because Players are also pitted against each other in certain special To Your Demise cards, so keep your friends close.

The game is fast paced, frantic and fun- because in reality, death shouldn’t involve a commitment.

Honestly Speaking, I was so taken away by the concept, I couldn’t resist trying my luck to get more information. So I was able to reach out to Samantha, the big cheese behind the scenes to have a quick chat:

NOTE: DZB = DarthZadyBun & SAM = Samantha[/vc_column_text][vc_single_image image=”29896″ img_size=”large”][vc_column_text]DZB: Okay seriously girl, level with me – what sequence of events damaged your soul so badly that you came up with a game that is literally to die for?

SAM: This is probably actually the last game anyone who knows me would have expected me to come up with – I can’t handle gore and never watch scary movies, and then all of a sudden (I) start talking about a card game that wants to kill you!

But that’s the fun part, it’s all dark humour and tongue in cheek….no guts, no gore, just good clean murder.

I’ve been wanting to make a table top game for a while, and knew I just needed the perfect idea to come to me to get going. I’ve always enjoyed mystery games like Cluedo and other dark humour ones like Cards Against Humanity; so Murder on the Cards ended up being the natural evolution for me.

DZB: Well the game certainly has a few …I’m going to say “interesting scenarios”, I am definitely never going through your Internet browser history that’s for damned sure!  I saw that the  game is currently in the crowd funding stage – sadly South Africans are still a little behind on that concept, so how can we get involved?

SAM: It’ really the easiest thing – You can go to our Thundafund.com page and take a look through our reward tiers and see if one takes your fancy. Then you just follow the prompts to donate and Bang! – sorted!

By backing us through the reward tiers you help us get closer to our tipping point so we can manufacture the game. We offer a series of cool rewards, ranging from the game itself to having the chance to create your own card that will be included in the final pack.

If you can’t back us at the moment then we’d appreciate any word of mouth or sharing of the link… The more people who become keen, the more likely we are to be able to put Murder on the Cards on a coffee table near you.

We do only have a few days left on our Thundafund crowd funding though, so if things don’t pick up enough we’ll be looking at doing a Kickstarter campaign later in the year.

DZB: Ah, okay – but once the process is over; can you estimate when will the game will be available and where can our friends buy the game?

SAM: At the moment the only way for the public to play the game is to head down to The Batcave in Hillcrest (Durban) where we’ve left a demo pack for anyone to play.

It’s difficult to project a definitie release date; though depending on our crowd funding campaigns though, we hope to have the game available towards the end of this year / early next year.

I should mention that our  crowd funding backers will get their copy of the game first if we reach our tipping point.

DZB: I have been chatting to you guys for  little while on social media and you guys are crazy – where can the rest of our friends and followers out there find you to keep up to date with you guys?

SAM: We’re pretty active on social media, and would definitely add a little something to your feed that just wasn’t there before, so come say “Hi!: at:

Instagram: @murderonthecards

Facebook: Murder on the Cards

For more in-depth queries or special orders feel free to drop us a mail at Info@murderonthecards.com

DZB: It’s certainly a mammoth undertaking and a brilliantly novel idea you guys came up with. Still though, it’s a very competitive market and it can’t be easy bringing this to life so if there were a shout out you could send to our friends out there what would that be?

SAM: We have had seriously awesome support from those around us and we couldn’t be more grateful. We decided to just jump in and give this a go and I half expected people to think we were a bit crazy to try, but friends and family have helped us so much – from play testing to work out the kinks, to spreading the word, taking an interest and backing us on Thundafund.

We know some awesome people who really want Murder on the Cards for some reason – but we won’t analyse that too much.

DZB: All things being equal, I think that might just be the safest plan for everyone involved.

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WHAT DID YOU THINK?

Got a product or service you would like us to feature? Have a question or two you would like us to answer? Have suggestions for reviews/ features you would like us to investigate?

Feel free to hit us up and let’s get the dialogue going!

In the meanwhile, and for more great content  be sure to follow  DarthZadyBun on his Social Media platforms as listed below.

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