#and when i see them in ca ill see them with my best friend of so many years who ill finally meet IN PERSON!!!

[carcarrot]

tagged by @bawnjourno thank u friend!!!! 💖

last song i listened to: my baby's taking me home - sparks 🥴

three ships: hmm i dont ship much However. is there anything better than classic beejhawk. this next one started out as a joke but im genuinely invested in sam/niles. and last one ill go w is uhhh. you know what fine ill be basic and go with kirk/spock too

currently reading: the dead zone by stephen king!! it's so good i dont want to finish it :(

last movie i watched: 9 to 5 babeyyyyyy they own my heart <3

craving: everyday i mourn the loss of my beloved pesto toast that i used to have at the cafe... i may have to make it again myself. also craving warmer weather and SUMMER!!!! where i have some really fun things planned like vacations n concerts and a vacation just to see a concert :) and working on my film idea!!!! its all gonna happen!!

tagging @geddyqueer @emilynightshade89 @dubious-spaghetti @steviecopeland if y'all wanna do it!!! and anyone else who sees this and wants to give it a go

[styxwanderer]

The Wrong Fake Identity | Twisted Wonderland |

[you turn into a cat beastman because of crowley being an ass]

<Part 1> Part 2 part 3 Part4 part 5 part 6 part 7

<Please ignore my grammar mistake as i do not speak English as my mother language, thank you and please enjoy!>

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙˚*

"Due to the covered overblot incidents occurring in Night Raven College, the government of each island is requesting an inspecting, but you as somebody that originated from none of these islands are unrecorded by the government. Grim is fine because he can be disguise as a familiar but you, oh, what ever shall we do." Crowley spoke, hand on his check as if he was the most miserable person in the world. The person standing infront of him, the most respected and admired student from NRC. Managing to capture hearts and admiration since the incidents with the overblots stand still. 

"When will this be?"

"Tomorow morning."

The enthusiastic tone contras to the alerting news. 'Why didn't you tell me sooner you OLD CROWW!' you screeched in your head. you had been called to headmaster office as he give his revelation. You wished Grim is here with you and blasting the old crow with whatever insult that come to his mind, but he chooses to bail on you, opting to wait on the now cozy ramshackle dorm you both share. 

A bit of panic did manage to etch to your mind because you don't want any of them to take you away from your friends. "What do you propose?" 

"Simple, you will be locked away hidden in the cottage island you found near that ca-"

" Fuck no." 

" -or you accept this envelope I had gracefully taken time to buy with my own money and try your best to act accordingly. Oh, how good of a person am I."

" Why do you even suggest the first, when you'd had gotten me a fake id?" his shenanigans starting to irk you. you could even feel a vein popping out.

" For the drama of course. then after this go to sam to get your photo taken for the id"

you sigh as you opened the envelope containing your passport and id. 

" Headmage.."

"yes?"

" What the fuck is thisss?" you point of the id specifically on the species where a bold letter is etched on it.

"beastman?"

"Ah did i get the wrong one? oo.. oohohoo, my bad.. but it's too late for a chance now. Oh, look at the time, it has gotten so late! you better get to Sam now before he closes his shop. The inspection is tomorrow so good luck!" he pushed you out of his office and slam his door on your face.

' THE FUCKING AUDACITY OF THIS BITCH ! ILL PICK YOUR FEATHERS TILL YOU GO BALD OLD Crow' you grumbled as you begrudgingly make your way to Sam. 

Save to say, at the end of the day you left Sam anticipating the next day chaos and you are left with the illegally obtained transforming potion and a complete id and passport. Grim is laughing nonstop at the revelation enjoying whatever torture that will come to you the day after. 

Crowley had been cursed at least a hundred times in your head. you drank the potion to change you into a beastman as you fall asleep.

" i wonder what beastman you will become." Grim said as you both nuzzled up to sleep.

The morning come sooner than you wished, the lights blinding you awake. 

"God dammit when did the sun get shinier"

you went to scratch your ears only to find it gone. This had made you jolt awake, bolting to the giant mirror you go, accidentally waking Grim in process. 

"UWAAA!! what's the rush y/n?" Grim sleepily asked.

The mirror reflects your new figure, and you could only be one thing, and that is MORTIFIED. 

you screeched in distress. 

" WAAA!! what's your damage dude." Grim spoke now fully awake as he went to approach you who are crouching holding your new ears.

" i... I had become..."

" NYAHAHAHAHAHA!!! out of all beasts you have to become a cat! i can't wait till Ace and Deuce sees this!!!" His loud laugher filled the room. You don’t even know there is such thing as a cat beastman. You had thought all beastman is the undomesticated version of every animal, yet here you are in a tip pointed ears of not a wolf, not a lion but a GOD DAMN CAT. Your tail swishing in distress.

"Just you wait Grim, once you have a misfortune, I'll laugh it up your face!!" your retort went on deaf ears as he kept laughing

Poor you can only power through the embarrassment, not at all excited to meeting any of your friends. 'They're gonna have a fieldtrip about all of thisss' you cried. 

a brilliant idea come to mind, you decided to just go class with a hat and tuck your tail hiding it under your jacket. wishing the day had not start but ended. 

from your understanding back in your world, you know how many sickfucks is there obsessing over cat girls/boys. you hope today is different. please lord. 

<*>

the bell has rung signing students to enter the classrooms, that includes you in a hat and jacket to hide the transformation. Ace and deuce spotted you as you entered the class.

" Yo! y/n! what's with the hat and jacket?" Ace greeted you as you went to your usual seat. 

" aren't you hot in all of that layer?" deuce followed

" Listen, Y/n got --" 

in a speed of light, you quickly grab his muzzle shutting whatever information u rather not share with this mischievous creature.

" If you don't shut up, I won't buy you the premium tuna can anymore!" you huffed. 

"no fairrr!!" Grim whined 

the conversation was cut short as crewel entered the building

“Right, pups, get to your seat. Today we will have an inspection authorized by the governments since there is several overblots that occurred in this past month.”

“What? Why did they just tell us now?” Ace questioned

 The whole class was shocked by the revelation. 

“quite pups, as your homeroom teacher I expect you to be on your best behaviour. Now –“  crewel stopped in his track as he stared at your soul. 

‘Professor Crewel, please let go of my uniform misconduct, just this time.”

“y/n I believe the headmage had given you solution for this inspection, you would not need the whatever disguise you are wearing.”

“ uhm.. no this is not a disguise actually--”

“As I mentioned, there would be a inspection so I cannot oversee your uniform misconduct. Now take it of.”

You were sweating bullets. ‘FUCK!’ your head is ringing with alarm. You don’t know what to do so you just sat still. Crewel started to approach you.

“oi, what’s the big deal y/n c’mon he is getting mad!” Ace said

“They might have an allergy reaction to their head! Deuce chimed.

‘ thanks, but not helping deuce!!’ you mentally shriek as crewel is now standing Infront of you. 

“ now stop with this tom-foolery, I expected better from you.” He reached for your hat.

“AH! Wait-”

Crewel had yanked the hat off showcasing your cat ear. 

The silence before the collective gasp makes you want to curl up in your blanket. 

“PUWHAHAHAHHAH!!! You can’t even be a legit legit beastman !! ” Ace laughter break the silence as you flush in both anger and embarrassment. 

“ Pfftt, Domisticated beastman..” deuce joined in.

“ SHUT UP!!”

Crewel cleared his throat gaining an abrupt silence from the Adeuce duo, tapping his whipping stick repeatedly. 

“explain..”

“ Headmage, Crowley-“

“ haaaaaa, show me the id and passport.”

You quickly took them out of your bag and place them on your desk as he inspect both of them. 

“HAAAAA… unfortunately I still cannot allow you in that atrocious get up, so remove your jacket and hat” he signed loudly again, engraving in his mind to kill the old crow, after all you are always his favourite students, how could that crow torture you so relentlessly. Maybe if he get to give you the adoption paper this crow wouldn’t dare to mess with you anymore?

You sigh, relenting to your fate. Any speck of pride you have over yourself vanished. As you let your tail swish free. 

Ace is trying hard not to laugh over your embarrassed red faced. But honestly both are just captivated by your new look. The way your ears twitch and your red face, the way your new feature give you a docile look. Both ace and deuce suddenly find their textbook or the corner of the room fascinating as their face are getting darker.

These reactions are of course not limited to ace and deuce but to the other students as well. Crewel watch in disdain as his precious ( soon to be) children is getting flaunted by these beasts. He mentally take note to keep you safe from there unruly teens, but priority. His number one priority now is to get Crowley in his chokehold. 

 <*>

“RINGGGG!!”

The bell signing for lunch ended the class, causing you another brain aneurism, because now you have to go to the packed cafeteria, with guaranteed display to everybody attending NRC.‘FUCK FUCK FUCK’ 

“c’mon prefect lets go get lunch!” deuce said

“I’m so hungry!! Lets go hurry before they ran out of the good stuff!”

 “Easy for you to say! You don’t have a cat tail or ears…” you suck holding grim as you hesitated to walk out of the classroom.

“how bout this! I can hide you with my body!” Deuce said enthusiastically

“haaaaa, alright.. thanks” you went to cling to his back as you let grim down opting to squeeze the article on his back, using your meat shield to your fullest potential.

Deuce face burn bright with how close you are to him, ‘this is like a hug from the back!’ he squeal internally. 

“r-right! Just stay close to me!” if he was given the opportunity then why not use it. He will definitely treasure this moment till the day that he passes.

“H-Hey! I can be your shield too you know!.”

“Deuce beat you to it, pal.” Grim jeered

You peek from your meat shield giving Ace a tongue out as you went back to hiding. What can a guy do when your insult is also cute. He can’t but just try to save his pride as he hides it with his teasing, just like a kindergartener. 

The four of you arrives at the cafeteria as a realisation dawn on you. You needed more meat shield. 

You dragged ace to line with deuce as you slid you press yourself against the wall creating and effective human wall, Ace didn’t mind being a flesh wall he just hoped he is  facing you instead of the other way around.

It all went swimmingly the four of you were spotted by your other friends.

“ what the hell are you up to?” Epel asked still unaware that you are clinging to their back hiding behind them. 

“Oh us? We are just here to get some lunch right? Deuce?” 

“o-Oh yeahh righttt! We are hiding anything at all.” 

Ace hit deuce foot as he grumbles at his idiocy and deuce to panicked to retort.

“yeahhh.. right” Epel narrows his eyes suspiciously.

“seriously guys today is the inspection day at least behave yourself while these governments representative are observing us.” Jack huff, crossing his arms disapprovingly.

“seriously! We aren’t ,making any trouble promise!” Ace the pro mischief maker he is, retorded without fail

“I double that” deuce half-shouted.

“ohh? The why did your heart rate is higher than normal?” the humanoid,Ortho joined in ganging up on acedeuce duo, 

“CEASE THIS NONESENSE IMMIDEATLY, HUMANS” 

“eep!” Sebek’s loud voice seems to ring harder on your ears making you let out an involuntary sound. 

“ Not so loud crocodile boyy, my ears are ringing.” Grim grumbled as he hold his ears.

“ I feel you now Grim.” You mentally said.

“ AH what is that!” epel accused as he slip past the human wall you created and be greeted with you.

“no wait!” Deuce tries to save but he was too late.

You in cat ears and tail.

Your ears continuously twitching. 

You have tail.

“uh hi? Epel?” 

Epel wondered if the mushroom in his plate is the right kind of mushroom or is he about to die and be greeted by one final sight of you. 

Is this bliss?

IS this heaven…?

“ oi.. Epel? Whats the problem?”

The other three curious of what Epel was seeing push through.

And there you are as a beastman. A cat beastman.

Jack howl.exe has stopped working

Sebek zigvolt.exe stopped working

Ortho.exe has taken rapid shot 

He is making sure his brother gets to see you like this as well. The picture is auto sent to Idia’s device.

Jack’s fluffy white tail began frantically wagging

Sebek the loudest of the loud manage to be the quietest.

The three of them felt blood rushed up their heads, while Deuce and Ace share a sense of ‘i get you.’ Vibe to the other four. 

In collective silence the four of them created a bigger human wall shield continuing adeuce duo’s wall.

“the wall keeps getting bigger and bigger! Yeahh! This will tell people that the great Grim is passing through!! “ Grim shouts.

 You would laugh at his antics but now just not the time. 

You pick grim up as to cover yourself with him as well, using his body to cover as much face as you can while u hunched trying to be invincible. 

Of course this meant letting go of ace and deuce much to their disappointment. 

The sixth of them wish they were born as some werebeast so easily carried by you and 

“We need explanation but for now let’s get some food.” 

With the group all agreeing to stay in formation you went. To get the food in line. 

You had manage to make grim cover your ear while u get food for him and you, you of course give him extra chicken for all the hard work.

Everything was going swell, or so you thought.

“BOOO!” 

In a speed that u had never achieved before you jump very high up into a table in an offense position hissing. Only then you had realized you fucked up. 

Grim had fallen off your head showing full out your new cat ears and tail.

‘Oh great sevens.’ You wanted to mentally bash yourself because what the fuck is that reflex.

The old bat had froze in his track as his eyes widened at your new form. He found your new form rather endearing, plus what kind of reaction can you show now? 

The whole cafeteria had gone silent so have your before jack covered you up with his jacket and scooped you up off the table and ran. All the other first year in tow.

“ MIND YA OWN BUSINESS, There is nothing to see here!” You could hear Epel shouted. 

“Run run run!” Ortho speed hover. 

“I WILL STUN YOU IF YOU FOLLOW US HUMANS!” Sebek shouted.

You could hear vil shouting to Epel for him to stop and order to Rook who is still in a paralyzed mode.

You could hear Riddle threatening Ace and Deuce to stop or not he would cut off their heads which only make them ran faster. Trey and carter trying to calm their dorm leader while also thinking of a plan to steal u away. 

Floyd was whining about how they are taking the little shrimp-cat away from him to jade. 

Azul still stuck in his trance.

Kamil shouting for you to come back, 

jamil silently planning murder to get u back.

Leona chuckling saying something about a hunt to ruggie who is also chuckling in amusement.

Silver shocked with how sebek is involved, but then again you are involved so he should’ve expected it and also your new form. Malleus also is laughing, amused.

Truth be told the first year gang had scoop you up not only to save you but also to fulfill their desire, your new form that had enhance your cuteness should only be for them and theirs only. They found you first! Not those second or third year! You belonged to them! You are one of us! They do not want any body to see you like this. They don’t deserve it.

Although Sebek won’t mind sharing this sight with Malleus he thinks no body deserves to see you like this especially with their lust filled eyes.

Lilia chuckle as he snapped out of his trance.

“Kufufufu, it seems the kitten has been kidnapped by a big bad rebellion.. it’s time to teach them to know their place isn’t.” 

“ father.. what are you planning?” 

“Truly a wise word, Lilia. Whatever shall we do to teach these rebellious kids to never steal from a dragon.”

“You mean a lion?” Leona  now annoyed with the declaration. 

“ you and them? Ha you are most incompatible with them.”

“Are you sure about that? She is a beastman now, and most beastman are in the reigh of sunset savanna, ultimately my kingdom. Plus i am the original of their beastkin, she would be most compatible with me.”

“She could live in luxury in briar valley as the wife of a king instead of just some lousy king.”

“Ha what is that?”

“Or a general wife you kno.”

“Not you too Lilia!.”

“Excuse me! I know them more and better than any or you!” Riddle now involved in the conversation.

“ oh my, i can’t even imagine the fate they will have if you get to her.”

“Ha what do you mean by that?”

“What i meant is simply, your “rules” is definitely going to be atrocious to follow. If she were with me she would live happily in riches.”

“And wet underwater? Oh how bad that would be for her poor skin. She would much rather go with me draped in fame and gold.”

“ as if! She would rather be with me!”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Fine let’s settle it like a sensible being. The one who manage to capture her first would have the right to be with her.” The lion declared.

“Such a wise statement coming from you, Rook prepare yourself.” 

“Ouii, a game of hunt! I agree.” Standing tall beside the fair king, he readied himself. 

“This whole thing is dumb, of course they would choose me, but for the sake of your dignity i will participate this game. Besides i have to collar a few underclassmen of mine” The red hair boy stands.

“Oo sounds fun, Jade, Floyd we will have a change if schedule, it seems to be perfect day for hunting.”

“Yes, Azul.”

“Yes,Azul~”

“As if you all could beat me the crown prince of briar woods himself.”

With the whole dorm agreeing to play the game of hunt, they set the hunt to begin after school finished (curtesy of Riddle), lets just say you might want to wish that your group got a memo of this and tries to save you from them and not take you for themselves of course .

Meanwhile-

“Of course they wouldn’t choose me.” 

“But… if i can catch them then they will have no other choose, hahaha.” The flamey blue haired guy spoke

[3251 word]

>>To be Continued<<

.·:*¨༺ ❈ ༻¨*:·.

[starnana7]

every time I remember that the hit show supernatural made God, the literal God from the Bible, canonically bisexual but couldn’t do the same with a random guy who hunts monsters it actually makes me feel physically ill.. like blasphemy is okay but we draw the line at making the main character a little bit queer because it would “upset the heterosexuals men”? okay ig… and it’s so funny to me that they tried SO bad to make dean like really really straight and macho and a manly womanizer (I mean dude has literal porn brain and is obsessed with cars and is a film nerd) And still is the number 1 bissexual boy.. I mean no one that into cowboys is 100% straight 🙄 and if they actually wanted him to be that much of a cishet guy WHY would they make him have a codependent homosexual friendship with his best friend for more than a decade ?? and we have so much subtext to corroborates it that it’s actually insane.

and it’s also rlly funny to me that sam would be the most obvious choice for a queer storyline. like i’m not sure this is true but i heard somewhere that he actually was supposed to like be lgbt and that it’s implied in the show he’s pan bc he basically have sex w/ everyone and doesn’t care (like monsters and stuff). i wholeheartedly disagree bc sure he hited a demon and a werewolf and a kitsune and God knows what more But it still were just women and for me he’s still just straight 💀 we do have gabriel however and i would say that’s a valid argument but i don’t actually like them together because of the whole torturing-sam-every-tuesday-over-and-over-again but it’s still a good take ig. again this is just my opinion But anyways doesn’t matter my point Is that sam always felt like a freak and wanted to be normal and like was more open minded and “less-macho-toxic-behavior” than dean. he was a theater kid and talked about his feelings and all. STILL THO dean went and become The bissexual icon (Not Sam, Dean!!). and the fact that he was more manly actually only emphasized to his sexuality (and him being closeted) and sam being the straight one, and bare with me here. as sam winchester once wisely said “well you are kind of butch they probably think you're compinsating.” (to dean asking why people always assumed they were gay) and like this is so true, sam always felt comfortable in himself and like his nerdier and less cool strong man personality. But dean, oh, dean, no, no, no. and it could all be linked to john. we know how much dean wanted to gain his father approval and respect, all he ever wanted was for john to be proud of him. so he’d listen to the same music as john, same clothes… and so on. but when we really see a glance of him, we realize he’s actually much more “““girly””” (sorry for the term i lacked a better one) than he shows, Especially when compared to sam—who’s supposed to be the more girly one (again sorry for the term lol) or whatever. dean canonically likes taylor swift, chick flick films, actually liked when a woman made him wear underwear, the bailarinas shoe were “speaking to him” in that one ep of cursed objects, and so on. and every time he makes fun of sam for doing something not-manly-enough (like drinking lemon water or drinking from tiny coups) he eventually goes and do the same thing 😭 and i’m 100% sure that the writers just thought “haha funny scene this really straight deadly man does something not so convencional/more feminine(?) haha comedy relief time!!” but it actually just made him have a whole perfect queer background developed in the series. specially with the fact that He Does Overcompensate. why is he always flirting with women, why is he so butch and scary, always talking about straight sex and so on? because he’s really just deep in the closet. and it makes so much sense with john being his father, with him having to hunt two lesbians nuns in his 17 bday, always having to be strong and macho and cool and perfect—and therefore straight. even without cas, dean really does immaculate the bissexual experience and i’m so sorry but this is just true.

and now pointing to the subtext that i mentioned in the first paragraph (lol i can’t believe i’m making a whole rant as to why dean winchester is a confirmed bisexual), that whole confession to that priest where he says he wants experience new feelings, new people, FOR THE FIRST TIME. that always that the show mentioned a gay couple it ALWAYS focused on dean—not sam, DEAN. the gay hunters, the gay couple on the bar that the cupid “made”, the two cosplayers partners… the fact that every time that dean liked something it was borderline fangirl (gay) obsessive (the dr. sexy episode, that wrestler fighter). he Had a gay thing—and was all flustered about it. he flirted with a guy throughout charlie. THE MALE SIREN. the male siren like after that ep i was 100% convinced that man was not straight. he had a hot demon sumer with crowley?!!! and it’s so funny to me that not one of these things involves castiel, so if they really wanted to make dean be that straight why would they do that?? and only to dean, not even once to sam. Like. and not to mention all the homoeretic tension with benny??? sam never had a male best friend like that.. all of that and i didn’t even entered on destiel. Because this then really just confirms that he is Not straight. even if he wasn’t In Love with cas, they had something going on and the fact that if cas was a girl it would 100% be canon and filmed and Everyone would ship—and I really mean everyone—it just makes me go fucking insane. they could’ve had it all. the fanfic episodes, the parallels between dean and cas and “real couples”, ruby and cas duality and the fact that sam indeed had a relationship w/ her. Anyway i’m a # bi dean truth believer and i know this bc same boy # happy pride month to my fav bissexual boy in the whole world

also to anyone that says that “destiel” was unrequited love yes it kinda of was but only bc dean was so deep in the closet, he did love cas. he was indeed a bissexual man. i’ll die on that hill.

[epicbuddieficrecs]

Weekly Recap | May 27th-June 2nd 2024

That finale sure was... something.... Can't wait for all the fix-it fics we're gonna get over the summer!!

Complete

the same damn thing that made my heart surrender by fleetinghearts/ @shitouttabuck (Crack, Getting Together | 1,5K | Teen): “Ever since that barbecue at Bobby and Athena’s last weekend I’ve been getting the weirdest targeted ads on my Insta,” he pouts, scrolling some more. On the screen is an ad for… a pale blue babydoll tee with the word BRAT screenprinted across the chest in curly pink letters. or, buck’s instagram algorithm is plaguing him with salacious clothing ads and eddie can’t be held responsible for playing Beefcake Barbie dress-up in his head about it

seeing you with him just don't feel right (you're giving me a heart attack) by bellabrady (Post-S7, Crack | 1,9K | Not Rated): Or: Buck and Eddie accidentally give their homophobic captain a heart attack.

stained by my mistakes by Tizniz/@tizniz (BTHB: Accidental Murder | 2K | General): Like an overslept mistake or killed a dude mistake? Under any other circumstances, Eddie would probably laugh at his best friend’s reply. But he’s not laughing. Not right now. He swallows the lump in his throat and stumbles over his reply. …the second option.

Everything you lose is a step you take by justhockey (Getting Together, Post-Lightning | 2K | General): For a while, when Buck would find himself about to float - about to slip into that space where he couldn’t believe he was still here, still breathing - he would need something to keep him steady. To keep both feet firmly planted on the ground. That’s how all of it started. Because it had been instinct, like it always has been with them, for Buck to reach for Eddie that very first time he felt like he was floating. And Eddie, like he always does, reached back. Through fire and trauma, under fire trucks, across blood-soaked asphalt - Buck and Eddie always reach for each other. It’s what they do. It’s who they are. They reach, and hold on, and they pull each other to safety.

that's the way love goes by heartbeatdiaz/ @loserdiaz (BuckTommy Break-up, Buddie Getting Together | 4K | Teen): Tommy thinks Buck and Eddie used to date and never really got over each other... he is very tired and confused. But it makes some feeling realizations come to light and a pair of idiots to see what they've been missing all along, so it's all good.

Sweet as Sugar by Tizniz/ @tizniz (BTHB: Chronic Illness | 8K | General): “There’s still something wrong with me.” “I don’t like that phrasing, but your labs did come back positive for something, yes.” Buck swallows, rubs his hands down his thighs, “Okay. What?” “Evan, you’re diabetic.”

What’s Your Order? by JJK/ @trenchcoatsandtimetravel (Post-S7E5, BuckTommy | 18K | Teen): 5 Times Buck Guessed Tommy’s Coffee Order + 1 Time He Didn’t Have To

🔥 a place we both know by not1_2write (A/B/O AU, Not A Firefighter!Buck | 42K | Mature): This whole thing is Bobby's fault. He's the one that suggested Eddie apply for the mate matching service, it was his idea to look for an Omega that would love and care for Christopher, to find a mate to be by Eddie's side. Eddie's gonna have to send him a fruit basket or something. It was the greatest idea Bobby's ever had and because of it they now they have Buck in their lives, in their pack and firmly nestled right in Eddie's heart.

WIP

🔥 stuck now so long, we just got the start wrong by Daffi_990_ao3/ @daffi-990 (Canon Divergent, Different First Meeting | 7/10 | 55K | Not Rated): Probational Firefighters Evan “Buck” Buckley and Eddie Diaz meet on a call which ends with them at odds with each other. As the months roll by, they keep running into each other on the job, much to Eddie’s dismay and Buck’s delight. Can they put aside their first opinions and misunderstandings and allow the seeds of friendship, and possibly something more, to take root?

🔥 like a bird stealing bread out from under your nose by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Post-S7, Fix-It | 2/7 | 6K | Mature): If you’d asked Eddie back in May what rock bottom looked like, it was his son leaving him. That felt like it; everything ruined so entirely that there was no way to ruin it further. There’s always more to lose.

🔥 Things We're All Too Young to Know by Daisies_and_Briar / @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon S1-S6, Divergent Post-S6 | 128/? | 401K | Mature): This is a love story. Even if it doesn’t always look like it. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. A look back on Eddie and Buck's lives up to now, and what led them to each other, interpreted from the current 9-1-1 canon.

🔥 Held Up a Lightning Rod (Wonder Why I'm Struck) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Not A Firefighter Eddie, Sugar Baby Buck | 3/22 | 14K | Explicit): When Eddie Diaz stumbles his way into money, he finds himself one of the most eligible bachelors in Los Angeles - to his dismay. He needs a way to get people off his back without confessing his messy marital situation, and Shannon's still not answering his calls, so he caves to a friend's suggestion: hire someone to pretend to be his partner. Enter Evan "Buck" Buckley: sugar baby, fire fighter, and the man about to turn Eddie's world upside down.

Podfic

🔥 [Podfic] Your Fingerprints Smeared on My Heart (Lead Me Back to You) by MistMarauder/ @mistmarauder for letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Cowboy AU, Reincarnation, Soulmates | 10-15h | Explicit): In 1880, Evan Buckley of the arriviste set is sent out west to oversee his family's railroad and recover from a broken heart - and meets Eddie Diaz, cowboy. When fate tears them apart, they make a promise: find each other again. In 2018, Buck walks into his fire station in Los Angeles - and meets Eddie Diaz, new recruit.

[daydreamingmia]

First Day on Set🌊🔱

Walker Scobell X Reader | Series | You Belong With Me🔱 Part 1

A/n: Sorry, I didn't re-read the story, so there might be spelling errors.

Y/n's bio: The reader is just a few weeks younger than Walker. She got her start on Good Luck Charlie as Charlie. But Taylor Swift discovered her musically. She has released three record-breaking albums so far. Once Taylor took her under her wing, things were never the same. Not that you didn't like it. You loved it!! But sometimes the paparazzi can be annoying. Especially when your best friends are huge stars.

When she gets the part of Annabeth in Percy Jackson, she becomes best friends with the cast. Especially her co-star, Walker Scobell. But will they become more than just friends?

The alarm clock goes off and you look over to see it is 7 am.

You groan as you turn it off

"Come on y/n! We are going to be late!"

You hop out of bed as your remembered what day it was. Today was the first day of filming Percy Jackson! You have loved Percy Jackson since you were very little and you were so excited to play Annabeth! You hop out of bed and rush to get dressed.

This is just the first thing I found on pinterest

(You can change it if you'd like)

By the time you are ready it is 7:35. You run out to the car and jumped in. Then you saw a text from the group. You have gotten very close to all of them in the last few months. Especially Walker.

Camp Halfblood GC

Walker🔱: Y/n! You were supposed

to be here 20 minutes ago! Are

you still asleep?🙄🙄🙄

Aryan🐐: Oh no! The monsters got y/n!!😱😱

Y/n: I just fought one off!! I'm on my way now!!

Y/n: I just fought one off!! I'm on my way now!!

Walker🔱: On second thought

maybe don't come here. 😬

Y/n: She says she'll let me live

if I tell her where Walker is hiding.

Walker🔱: What?!

Y/n: I'm on my way!! She let me go😁

Walker🔱: Oh no! You are the one

who is gonna betray me 😱😱

Y/n:🤣🤣🤣

Y/n: I'm pulling in now.

Walker🔱: Cool. You want some Chick fil a? I'm ordering delivery.

Y/n: YES PLEASE!!!😁

××FLASHBACK××

You and the cast of Percy Jackson were going to a Party to meet one another.

You get out of the car and are half way there when you realize you forgot your phone.

"Ugh! Mom I forgot my phone ill run back and meet you there."

She nidded

You were running back when you ran into someone.

"Hey!" He said jokingly as you both fell to the ground.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't look where I was going!" You apologized

"Don't worry about it!" He said with a chuckle as he stood up and offered you his hand. You took it and he pulled you up

"Hey aren't you that girl from Avengers?" He asked

"Please to make your acquaintance." You said in a funny voice bowing

You both laugehd

"Y/c/n is such a badass!"

You talked for a little but then parted way so you could get your phone.

××END FLASHBACK××

When you got to set you parking in your marked spot and went to your trailer to meet your hair and makeup artists(Gina and Natalie). They were very nice and sat you down as you got to know each other.

Walker walked in with Chick Fil A and sat next to you.

"I got you a cookies and cream milkshake too" He said sitting down I the seat next to you.

"Thank you!! Your makeup is done already?" You asked while grabbing the milkshake he was taking a sip out of.

"IT WAS DONE AN HOUR AGO! YOU WERE LATE!" He screamed and you both laughed.

You take a picture of him and the food and post it.

The first scene you did was the bathroom scene.

You were talking with Dior when the director yelled action. You got yourself into character.

"I can explain" Walker said nervously

"No you can't" I replied

"Okay. Wait...I know you dont I?"

"No you don't" I replied channeling my inner Annabeth

"You were there that night in the infirmary"

"Yes. I'm Annabeth"

"Are you stalking me Annabeth?"

"Yes" I say like it's totally normal

"Okay" He said caught off guard

"Well, I've been waiting to see if something like this would happen so I know if you can help me"

"Help you do what?"

"Win capture the flag of course"

The director yelled cut and Walker walked up to you dripping wet

"Hey great job! You were born to play Annabeth!" He said as you backed away from him

"What's wrong?" He asked a little confused

"I don't want to get wet" you said continuing to set back

"Well in that case..." He said with a mischievous grin in his face

He then lunged forward and had you in and bear hug and was spining you.

The hug you didn't mind but now you were covered in water too.

"WALKER! PUT ME DOWN!" You demand

"Fine" He said putting you down

"That's what you get for eating my nuggets" He said with a fake stern face

"I hate you! You said looking at how soaked you were.

"You love me" He said with a smile

"I do" you sighed

A/N: This is my first attempt at fanfiction!! I hope you like it!

[crackers4jenn]

Fic Masterlist - Supernatural (Dean/Cas)

CANON-ADJACENT

TITLE: down the road (WIP)

SUMMARY: Set immediately after the s7 finale, when Dean and Cas get sucked into Purgatory. They stick together to fight their way back out, running into some old friends along the way... and some old enemies. (Or, Brokeback Purgatory 1.0. Dean and Cas work through their issues in monsterland.)

TITLE: every inch of my life

SUMMARY: Post-season 15, in a version where Dean doesn't die and Cas is back from the Empty. Gabriel shows up with some mischief in mind, hurtling them through classic porn tropes.

TITLE: one more time (WIP)

SUMMARY: Set during the s15 divorce arc. What if Cas got captured by a djinn. What if he experienced his moment of ‘true happiness’ while caught in its dream, and it summoned the Empty. What if Dean saved Cas from the djinn, only to have a portal of black goo open up in front of them?

TITLE: lapse and fall again

SUMMARY: A post-finale fix-it fic where Dean doesn't die. Instead, he pulls Cas out of the Empty. Eventually, after the reunion, there's romance and a road trip, but not specifically in that order.

TITLE: like a tidal wave I'll make a mess

SUMMARY: 5 Times Dean and Cas Get Mistaken for a Couple (and 1 Time They Actually Are)

TITLE: and I will pull my whole heart up to the surface

SUMMARY: 15x20 fix-it fic. Heaven feels perfect, until suddenly it doesn't.

TITLE: here's a map, here's a shovel, here's my achilles heel

SUMMARY: Post-15x19. Turns out, Dean doesn't have to ask to get Cas back.

TITLE: sink

SUMMARY: "Where to?" A 9.06 coda.

TITLE: dry and blown like dust

SUMMARY: They worry first about angel doings and once-dormant plagues and monster illnesses from cursed objects around the bunker, but Sam WebMD's Cas' symptoms and diagnoses him with: the flu. Set in s9.

TITLE: Mr & Mr Winchester

SUMMARY: "No pet names, I popped the damn question, and you're the girl." (Or, Dean and Castiel: fake-married. Set in a hypothetical s9.)

TITLE: lights down low

SUMMARY: When Dean comes to, it's with a fuzzy, head-pounding disorientation. He's on his back, on the ground, that much he immediately knows, where there's an overgrown lawn cushioning what must've been one hell of a landing. (Or, my excuse to do a canon-compliant Dean/Cas rom-com.)

TITLE: the morning when it's clear

SUMMARY: Post-8.02 Purgatory fic. When it all goes to shit, and obviously it does, it feels like the world is splintering open. That's probably because it is.

✨

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

TITLE: 99 problems (and a stitch ain't one) (WIP)

SUMMARY: Dean gets a job at a craft store to woo and date ladies, but his plans backfire because his boss is the v. annoying but v. dreamy Castiel, who might be the actual temptation.

TITLE: Wedding Guy

SUMMARY: Cas slips Dean his number at a wedding, and a friendship/relationship takes off from there.

TITLE: on higher grounds

SUMMARY: (based off a tumblr post) charity collector cas who has a spot outside dean’s favourite book store in town and who always looks so cold despite the huge scarf he wears so dean takes to bringing him hot chocolate every day and cas gets this little smile every time he sees dean coming down the street

TITLE: a way not steep

SUMMARY: Dean's twenty-six and his roommate's a guy who cries during E.T.

TITLE: like only a best friend could

SUMMARY: They're both 18 now and Cas is going off to college and Dean's. Well, Dean's probably headed for a fun future of 'would you like fries with that?' and sometimes it scares him so much he thinks about running away too. Like their dads.

✨

CROSSOVER/FUSION

TITLE: Filming Jesus

FANDOMS: Community, Supernatural

SUMMARY: God is not here, Dean. (Or, Jeff and Annie meet Dean and Castiel. Set during Community s3 and SPN s5.)

TITLE: 11 characters that never were the slayer

FANDOMS: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, The Office, Community, Glee, Parks & Rec, Gilmore Girls, etc etc.

[castielmd]

Again "Hunteri Heroici"

Disclaimer: This is not a Winchester-friendly post.

What really upsets me whenever I think back on the seasons I've already watched [1-9], is that we get to know so little about Castiel and angels in general. This would be alright, considering that not everyone should get expansive lore. But Castiel is considered the "best friend" of one of the main characters and has stuck for countless of seasons. So why do we not know more about him and his backstory?

What really bugs me about it in particular, is that the main characters simply do not care or wish to learn more about their "friend". I've talked about the anvil episode before [S8EP8], and I shall bring it up again to make my point.

————

Castiel's unknown abilities.

At the time of S8EP8, Castiel has already been around for 4 seasons, more or less. This should've been enough time to gather knowledge of him, his capabilities, his origins. And yet, when Castiel decides to become a hunter and aid the Winchesters, a lot of what he does still surprises both of them.

He can "turn off angel radio".

Castiel [about the angel radio]: Oh, I couldn't say. I turned that off.

Sam: You can do that?

Castiel: Yes, it's a simple matter of blocking out certain subsonic frequencies. I could draw you a diagram if you want -

Dean: No, that's - We're good.

He's eager to share more about him and is willing to explain in ways the Winchesters can comprehend. Yet, he's immediately shut down before he can even finish his sentence. The active case is not an excuse for this — they could've taken up his offer but set it to a later time. They just don't care to understand.

He can listen to the police radio without any device, since it's all just waves. [At least Sam is openly surprised at this revelation.]

Castiel: Something is coming across the police band.

Sam: Wait, you can hear that?

Castiel: It's all waves.

Dean and Sam exchange looks.

Shouldn't your "friends" who have now known you for quite some time at least know what you can do? I'm honestly surprised they don't: not because I expected them to care, more so because they've always relied on Castiel for help in the past. At least as far as "usefulness" goes, they should've known more. They just have never bothered to ask. Why not?

Is it because anything to do with heaven immediately gets shut down because heaven and its inhabitants are just evil dicks? Is it because seeing Castiel possess skills much greater than them would be a reminder of the worlds separating them? Fear of inferiority? Fear of the unknown? Just the simple minded hate for the kind their friend is from? Afraid they'd have to recognize he is different than them despite their best efforts to pretend he's not?

———

Treatment of known abilities and Castiel's attempt to draw conclusions.

The next thing, Sam and Dean seemed to already know. Still, it's worth mentioning because of how they both handled it.

He can smell bodily diseases, detect sulfur or EMF and can see the human body down to the molecules.

He can determine if someone's been physically ill - which could help them exclude other causes that are not supernatural and save them the file reading. Not to mention EMF — which saves them from pulling out their devices. Why does Dean have to cut him short by demanding him to stop? No one but them was in the room anyway.

Dean: Cas, stop smelling the dead guy.

Castiel: Why? Now I know everything about this man and we can -

Sam: Do you know he was having an affair?

Castiel: What?

Dean: [while smiling] Strike one, Sherlock.

Castiel's assumption that he now knows everything was wrong — but this could've been an educating moment instead of a berating one.

Of course they are right when they say being physically ill isn't all you have to know to solve a case. The social circumstances of a person obviously do matter — Castiel is new at this (at least this close) so why is he ridiculed for a simple mistake made by not knowing better?

Some more talking about the explanation why she was having an affair via Sam. Then, scene ends with:

Dean: Heh. Guy was living a lie and it came back to bite him in the ticker. [inhales and turns to leave] But nice job on the bladder infection.

Dean could've just left it at "Strike one, Sherlock.". Yet he had to go and deliver another blow to Castiel as he left. I can accept the first one as playful banter, the second one however is just mean. It's just to shove it in Castiels face that they know better, are better, even without "angelic powers".

The demand for Castiel to stop could be reasoned with Dean just being weirded out [he is smelling a corpse after all]. However, the dislike towards what Castiel can do is clearly shown with the last jab at him; "nice job on the bladder infection."

It's really astonishing to me how even Castiel's objectively useful skills cannot take the hurdle that is the Winchesters apprehension towards what he is.

This is shown within the start of the episode even. After Castiel tells them he plans on becoming a hunter and informed them about a case, scene develops as follows:

Castiel: Excellent. I'll see you there.

Dean: Wait, Cas. Cas! You wanna play cowboys and bloodsuckers, that's fine. But you're gonna stick with us, okay? None of this zapping around crap. Capiche?

Castiel [looking away]: Yeah, I capiche.

Dean: Alright then.

Castiel: Can I uh at least ride in the front seat?

Dean and Sam: No.

First weird thing is talking about Castiel's plan to become a hunter in a metaphor to a game — yeah maybe that's just how Dean always speaks: funny metaphors, taking the seriousness out of situations. He could watch what and how he says it to his friend who's not doing well.

Secondly, the "zapping around crap". Crap? Come on now. What actually upset me about this, was the audacity to command it without solid reasoning. Castiel could've easily (e.g.) scouted the area, check out the body beforehand, yada yada — because he would've been there sooner.

Instead he's forced to sit in the backseat, drive with them.

Then of course there is the famed "I was being bad cop." - "You were being bad everything". Before I had known the context, I actually considered this funny. Now not so much anymore.

Castiel revealed that he had done research (!) on interrogation (here I am asking myself: when?) and then goes on to "bad cop" the women. Was it a terrible attempt? Yes. But it also was one of his first times. Dean and Sam did this for years. Without considering that fact, he's berated with a cutting comment from Dean again. At least this time he tells Castiel to listen how Sam does it [likely implicating that Castiel should learn from Sam].

Why not "It's good that you've done research but movies aren't actually portraying reality. You'll scare them so they won't tell you anything or they'll get mad at accusations." Yeah yeah, because this is Dean and Dean can't do compliments or direct, honest communication and he also talks with Sam like this. That doesn't make it better - it's an explanation but not an excuse.

All it would've taken to not be an ass was take Castiel out of the situation and save the comment. I'm not asking for a full on teaching moment there, but they've got plenty time in the car or in their motel room.

[Reason I considered this funny before was because I assumed it was banter between friends. Now knowing what Castiel has to deal with, how his mental state is, I think it's unfitting and inconsiderate behavior.]

———

Castiel's character.

Moving on from the underappreciated abilities Castiel possesses, I come to the blatant misperception Dean has about Castiel. It was actually shocking to me. They spoke in a motel room, where Dean then tries to convince Castiel to return to heaven and figure out what or who brought him back from purgatory.

Dean: How are you feeling, Cas?

Castiel: Fine.

Dean: Well, I just- I know that when I got puked out of purgatory it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs.

Castiel: I'm fine.

Dean: Well, don't get me wrong. I'm happy you're back. I'm frigging thrilled. It's just this whole mysterious resurrection thing. It always has one mother of a downside.

This is likely a reach, but the inquiry into Castiel's feelings doesn't seem very sincere to me in that scene. It did (!) up until the point where Dean rapidly moves onto the topic of Castiel's unexplained resurrection. How would the question about his well-being lead to the question of who resurrected him? It appears as if he's more curious about this than how Castiel is actually doing after purgatory.

Castiel: So, what do you want me to do?

Dean: Maybe take a trip upstairs.

Castiel: To heaven?

Dean: Yeah, poke around, see if the god-squad can tell us how you got out.

Castiel: No.

Dean: Look man, I hate those flying-ass monkeys just as much as you do, but-

Castiel: Dean, I said no!

To me, it was [to a degree] reasonable why Dean would request Castiel to return to heaven, despite Castiel saying that he wants nothing to do with that place anymore earlier. Resurrections without consequences never really happen in their universe. The way he went about it, however, is wrong.

What really struck me was Dean's last sentence. How little does he have to know Castiel to assume he shares his warped view on angels? How little tact does he have to possess to call angels "flying-ass monkeys" to another angel's face — to whom they are family. How can you spew hatred about a species to the one who is entirely part of it?

I truly wonder how Castiel perceives this. If he takes this as Dean separating him from them, severing a bond he wishes to nuture. Or if he assumes that Dean hates him too and only tolerates him for what use he can offer.

Dean: [after walking over to Castiel] Talk to me.

Castiel: Dean, I-. When I was bad and I had all those things, the leviathans writhing inside me, I caused a lot of suffering on earth...but I devastated heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind. And I can't go back.

Dean: Because if you do, the angels will kill you.

Castiel: Because if I see what heaven has become - what I [sighs] what I made of it - I'm afraid I might kill myself.

I love that Castiel here stands by his family and openly points out that he is one of them [...thousands of my own kind.]. He doesn't directly tell Dean he's wrong, but what and how he goes on to explain himself tells you all you need to know.

Dean can't understand why Castiel can't go back until he spells it out for him, because he's unable to acknowledge the relationship Castiel has with heaven, with the angels, with god. He cannot see the emotions Castiel shows because to him, the other angels are Castiel's frat bros, the god-squad. Never sister or brother. Never the same kind.

So logically to him, the only explanation is that Castiel fears the consequences of his actions. He doesn't hear the grief and regret Castiel carries for what he's done — which is ultimately the reason he doesn't want to return. To see what he brought upon his home, his family; that this would be too much.

————

Summarizing, the whole episode revealed that Dean and Sam actually lack significant knowledge of Castiel's capabilities and are horrible teachers. They don't recognize the potential Castiel possesses.

That's a long ass post now and I'm sure I lost the logical structure of it sometime in between.

[destieltropecollection]

DESTIEL TROPE COLLECTION 2023 | DAY 31 | Fake Dating

Made up, like my fiancé | @blanketforcas

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 2,834 Main Tags/Warnings: Fluff, First Kiss, Touch-Starved Dean Winchester, make-up date Summary: Cas and Dean find out how much they like make-up (and each other)

under covers | @demonmary

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 6,588 Main Tags/Warnings: AU: No Supernatural, Federal Agents, Undercover as Married , Co-workers , Flirting , Smut , Older Castiel (Supernatural) Summary: inspired by an episode of NCIS, Dean and Cas go undercover for some good ol' fashioned fake dating.

We were always meant to say goodbye (please don't go) | @readingprofoundbonds

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 8,210 Main Tags/Warnings: Misunderstandings, Second Chances Summary: When Castiel hears that Dean Smith will date anyone who asks him out for exactly one week, he's curious. He tests the waters and sees if 'anyone' will include male co-workers from Accounting.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love | @aishitara

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 14,882 Main Tags/Warnings: Idiots to lovers, mutual pining, best friends to lovers, but they were roommates!, pretend relationship, misunderstanding, mild angst with a happy ending. Summary: Dean clears his throat and says, “I have an idea for how to deal with your mom.” He looks away as he takes a long swallow of beer. “But you’re probably not gonna like it.” Castiel grunts. “Tell me anyway. You’ve got one idea more than me.” Huffing a small laugh, Dean says, “Yeah, well, we’ll see.” He looks over at Castiel, lower lip caught between his teeth. “I’ll go with you,” he says earnestly. “To Thanksgiving.” Castiel stares at Dean blankly, not following. “Y’know,” Dean says, suddenly interested in removing the label from his beer. “As your boyfriend.”

swing with you for the fences | @fifthstiel

Rating: Mature Word Count: 27,637 Main Tags/Warnings: canon divergence (season 14), de-aging, kid jack, fake relationship, pining, getting together, case fic Summary: With elementary school parents falling mysteriously ill in Pennsylvania, a little magical aid allows a de-aged Jack and devoted single father Cas to play the perfect bait. However, a misunderstanding shortly after arriving leaves Dean reluctantly saddled with undercover parenthood right along with Cas. Now Dean has to survive the petty drama of suburbia while trying to track down whatever’s responsible for targeting parents in the community - and navigating his feelings about the family he didn’t think he’d ever get to have.

Lavender Pines | @thisisapaige

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 30,609 Main Tags/Warnings: Fake/Pretend Relationship (Platonic Cas & Rowena), Secret Relationship (Sam/Rowena), Idiots to Lovers (Cas/Dean), Case Fic, Post-Episode: s12e11 Regarding Dean Summary: Rowena calls Sam, asking for help. Her former lover, the powerful witch Leon O'Leary, has something of hers and she wants it back. When Sam agrees to help, the last thing he expects is for her to pull out a ring and propose. To Cas. Cas and Rowena move into the wealthy suburb of Lavender Pines and work to become the most well-liked newlywed couple on the block. Sam and Dean support them from the bunker. It’s a milk run of a case. Simple. Easy. It’s not.

[deepdive002]

You have a very wholesome energy on this blog.

Very proud of your resilience, I have multiple family members who struggle with bipolar disorder including my brother and he has unfortunately become very estranged, in and out of jail, difficult to be around if not harmful at times and refuses to seek help or medicate despite all the help and rehab over the years. Sometimes it feels very hopeless and sad, especially the fear that I might have those symptoms too one day, but I am grateful and soothed that there are stories of hope and healing and positivity like yours.

Wishing the best for you and your daughter! 💗

Thanks! 🩷

My bipolar has put me in the hospital 10 times. For better or worse I seem to only get manic episodes. This is tricky because being manic actually feels great. The problem is that you don't get anything done.

Untreated mania would have made getting through college or holding down a job relatively impossible. (It's still very hard, even with treatment.)

The key for me was finding help I liked and respected early in my life.

Drawing the line between where I stop and my insanity starts was a very personal question. I believe an objective scientific definition is best, but the answer may be different for others.

When I talk about my illness, I include a personal request: I ask that if people think I'm acting strangely to go online and look up the latest criteria for a Bipolar I Disorder Manic Episode in the DSM.

(As of the DSM-5, there are 7 symptoms and having 3 or 4 for a week is the threshold for a manic episode.)

If I need help, get me help but otherwise: I need to be allowed to get excited about my life without my friends and family worrying "Oh no! It's happening again."

Resources ☎️

I've been seeing my therapist for about 20 years now.

If you are interested you can probably find him by Googling "Harold L. Boerlin MD, Irvine CA". He's been doing phone visits since COVID.

He may be able to help you even if you don't live in California, if you are willing to fly out for some initial consultations. I actually have no idea how that would work but I can't recommend him enough.

Dr. B is both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. (He has a medical degree from Harvard.)

Letting someone change you fundamentally with medication is a big ask. However had I not decided this is what I want all those years ago, I would probably be homeless and perhaps have very strained relationships with friends and family today. (My family is also amazing by the way.)

Political Advocacy 🇺🇸📢

In my opinion, the mental health care system in the US is on the brink of collapse.

Too many professionals are not trained in hard science and some are handing out diagnosis like candy.

Recent "Mandated Reporter" laws are vague, ineffective and shatter the essential sacred trust between a client and a therapist.

Mental health parity laws for insurance companies do not work and I strongly advocate for MH to be a seperate insurance the way dental and vision are (with well-funded public assistance programs.)

While in the hospital I've seen human beings get "processed" and it is horrific.

I am in awe of the limitless compassion of most whitecoats (my name for them). However, publicly available resources are often not as unlimited.

Sick patients come in on a 5150 for a 3-day hold, yelling and hitting people. They get some food and shelter for a bit but refuse further help.

Then sometimes doctors fall short. They give up and just give the patient a heavy sedative so they will stop yelling and hitting people.

Then the patient doesn't voluntarily extend to 14 day treatment. They get tossed out on the street like garbage and the cycle repeats.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas, it's smol anon again :)

thank you so much for your last reply. it was really helpful. i really struggle with demonstrating affection but i'll try my best x

writing back to say that recently the friend i mentioned, Si, and I seem to be in a kind of cycle. they start ignoring me for whatever reason, and that really hurts because i blame myself. either they're a bad person for treating me awfully or i'm a bad person for making them hate me. i'd rather the latter any day (i don't really have a very great self-esteem and i'm really struggling to do anything about that either). but they just give me furtive glances or pointed silences and sometimes we do talk but it feels so fake and put on. of my current friends, I've known Si the longest, and we know how to pretend we're fine cos we're both masters of masking. but that's not a good thing, i know.

the first time this happened was in september. we'd had an argument the week before and they'd brought up the "second best" thing (before your advice, obviously) and i'd been really emotionally overloaded at the time and told them how much that hurt me to hear. so then Si thought i hated them and i thought they hated me and that just all spiralled. eventually i got them to talk to me, and we talked it through and then we were great for a while, but then it happened again, we were fine, happened again, you get the idea.

most recently, i hadn't seen/heard from them all week cos they'd been ill, and they didn't message me at all, whereas they had a whole conversation with my other friend E. i'm gonna admit, i'm quite a jealous person so that upset me a lot. but i tried to talk about them and they first had a panic attack (which i felt awful about btw), then tried to explain how they didn't think they were ignoring me (which i hated cos it felt like they were saying i was making up - and if i am, i'm awful, and if i'm not, that's awful to hear), and then just moved on as though the conversation didn't happen at all.

and i don't want to keep doing this. falling out, making up, falling out, making up but the whole time pretending everything's fine because it's not. it's fucking not. their mental health is awful and mine is scarcely better and i need them like they're my lungs and i'm so sick and tired of pretending everything's fine. i'm falling apart but i can't go to them because they're part of the reason, and i want to be honest, to talk it through, but i can't be honest if they're going to have panic attacks when i do. i know it's really hard for them to reach out, or to be honest about their feelings, and they're afraid of confrontation. but i don't want to keep doing this.

Si has this thing where they're super afraid of saying/doing the wrong thing and they always jump to conclusions and think everyone hates them. and i get why, because everyone always told them that when they were growing up and it became ingrained in their mind and i don't know what to do about that. but it's no longer just affecting them. they've dropped out of conversations. they've stopped messaging me. they keep doing this cycle where they ignore me. and they say it's so they don't say/do anything wrong, but i wouldn't judge them if they did. not doing anything makes me feel so much worse. i don't know how to make them see that.

sometimes i can be really understanding about this. i get how much they're struggling, and i try my best to be considerate and patient and always caring because i love them and i don't want to lose them. but i'm just been so tired and stressed recently cos i have a bunch of other things going on too and i'm just getting so frustrated. with the situation, with myself, with Si too and i hate that cos i hate getting mad at Si, especially when they can't really help it. i'm just so lost and i want my little sibling back (that's what they are to me, we're that close). sorry for such a long rant, and thank you cas for always being such a wonderful person, for being able to listen to people like me, and for letting your inbox be somewhere where i can be honest and get my thoughts down so much better than elsewhere 💕

yours truly, smol anon

Hi!

Your writing you sent me was lovely <3

I think you have the right idea by talking to your friend. Things can't go on the way they are, and you need to communicate. But maybe, to try and ease the pressure on them, could you try communicating through writing? That way they don't feel pressured to answer right away, and they can think through their responses. You seem to be good at getting your feelings out in writing, so it might be helpful. Just make sure whatever you write can't be taken the wrong way, as sometimes that happens with writing.

Sending you love!

[shallowseeker]

you don't think it's sam that's the john substitute? he's more like john

I think Sam is juuuust enough like her not to trigger the categorization of co-protector. I love Sam, but he's also got that immature-ish Sammy something that ticks just enough "my kid" boxes, you know?

It probably also has to do Mary and Dean's personalities being alike, too. Sam's got one foot in the "Dean's kid," circle, and she identifies more with Dean. And so, Sam may be Mary's kid, but she's also inheriting the dynamic of Sam as Dean's kid, by proxy.

(But Cas? From the get-go, Mary's doling out those incredibly high protector expectations, and it brings out this side of her that's both demanding and abrupt. It's fascinating.)

///

Anyway, in season 12-13, Sam is tragically aware that he and Mary don't have the kind of rapport he craves. (Meanwhile, Dean and she are playing Words with Friends.) In The Big Empty, Sam seems aware of this, and he's actually pretty bitter about his inability to connect:

SAM: Yeah, but at least you had a relationship with Mom. I mean, who would she always call? Who did she look to for everything? You had something with her I never had! And now I’m just supposed to accept that I never will have it?

It won't be until after AU Earth that Mary starts to bond with Sam as an individual. She sees Sam as more of an adult after he starts leading the AU hunters and co-parenting Jack.

///

In Nightmare Logic, she opens up to him about Bobby. She has rightly deduced that Sam is not as sensitive as Dean is about John, so Sam is the one she can talk to about it:

MARY: Bobby's not open like your dad. SAM: Wait. Like my dad? MARY: Okay. At least he's not like your dad was when I knew him. SAM: Right. MARY: Bobby's got walls, big ones. I just don't know if I can do that if I even ever put myself out there again. (chuckles) I shouldn't be talking to you about this.

///

In Absence, we see a flashback of her being relieved that Sam has more in common with her now: "the parental guilt complex." It seems like the more Sam screws up, the more comfortable Mary gets with him.

This is because Sam's base instinct is to keep his emotions and mistakes abstract, analytical, and vague. It's hard to bond with him until you've gotten to know him well enough for him to share his actual mistakes with you.

In this flashback, Sam admits to not being there for Jack. It's funny, because it's the beginning of a pattern, because as was pointed out to me yesterday, Sam definitely wasn't there for Jack when Jack was soulless. (In fact, Sam ran everyone ragged on little-to-no-sleep. He had another Sammy breakdown, an echo of his season 8 nervous breakdown.)

What Sam is learning is that it's actually really hard to be there for others when you're going through stuff of your own. (Dean and Cas know this; and they try to drag themselves off "the bench" and be there, even when they're in shambles. Sam? Not as much.)

I suspect that this is another way Sam's going to rationalize John's neglectful parenting. Sam wasn't there for Jack because he was mission-focused on finding Dean, just like John was laser-focused on finding Azazel. (Luckily for Sam, Jack is raised by a village, with multiple parents.)

Of course, when she had things to deal with, Mary left, too. And it's okay for Sam to forgive her for that. I'm not saying that it's wrong for people to leave in order to deal with their shit.

It's just...hmmm. Difficult. Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's worse than bad, and sometimes it's irreparable. Life is hard. You often let people down, even when you're trying your best. Sometimes, like with John, your own mental illness serves up your very worst.

Anyway, it's especially hard on the ones you love, because when you open up to them, you're showing them all the worst parts of yourself and your own weaknesses.

SAM: How's his training coming along? Mary: He's got heart. He'll get there. SAM: I feel bad. I've been so busy looking for Dean-- MARY: Sam, everyone here understands what you've been doing and what you've been putting yourself through. SAM: Yeah, I know, but Jack's been through a lot -- you know, losing his powers. And I haven't really been there for him. Sorry, Mom. I don't mean to lay all this on you. MARY: No. Are you kidding? It's nice knowing I'm not the only one with parental guilt. How much did the two of you go through when I wasn't there for you? And even when Amara brought me back and I got a second chance, things got complicated. I got complicated.   I'm just saying parenting is always a struggle. You always feel like you're failing, but then you look at them, and somehow, they're amazing. And somehow, (Mary holds Sam’s face as she speaks to him) they're literally the bravest, kindest, most heroic men on the planet.

///

In the same episode, we see more scenes of her, and we get a sense of her dynamic with each through these vignettes:

Mary sleeping on Dean's shoulder: This shows us that she relaxes around Dean and lets her walls completely down. She gets emotional support from Dean.

This one with Sam (above): she's opening up to him a little bit but when you step back, we see that she's still parenting him, even as she's busy sharing his load and parenting-training Jack. She's reassuring Sam and propping up his bruised confidence. She gives emotional support to Sam.

And finally, Cas: Cas is the one she actually calls for help on a hunt but admits to being a little afraid of (CAS: "Are you still afraid of me?") Interestingly, she covers up her fear by posturing a little around Cas, "It's just a scratch," and "it wasn't that close." It's cute. Still, she gets physical support from Cas. Here, we see she calls him for help, not her boys. In season 12, it was Cas to whom she first revealed her doubts during her bouts of insomnia.

///

[kiwi-smug-silvalina]

Ok rant time cause i feel like it

Over the course of like, 1.5 years of livin in this dorm, and knowing mates from other dorms, I have noticed the three types of dormmate relationships:

The friendship! Yippee!!!

This gets struck up really nice with people who totally get each other and like, share classes properly. They gotta live in the same dorm apartment though. I might be friends with classmates from other dorms, cause we live at least an hour drive away from our home, but like its different from dormmate friendships. Best example is: My friends and classmates Lei and Lea (ill just call em that, not their real names) who struck up a nice friendship and totally vibe with each other, sharing stuff like Lea's fucking overstocked food and Leo's kitchen gadgets, bowls, cutlery and what else ngl. Like I wish i lived in their dorm wtf but also not cause then we gotta come to the second type...

The most toxic waste of space you will ever see-relationship

Eyo you ever have that one person who is so cruel, and mean, and just horrible? Yeah those can live in dorms with ya. And Lea and Lei happen to live with a bitch like that too (their dorm apartment houses 9-11 people on average btw. They all share a kitchen, a bathroom and a single washing machine. This is relevant.) So like Lei and Lea both share a dorm with Eve, and Eve omfg, an absolute horrible person. She doesnt clean up after herself, puts up dormrules like no tomorrow and fucking puts herself in the victim role constantly. Has come to a point where Lea has fucking, told the school and theyre currently working on a solution for it cause the school is being fucking stupid. Like damn Eve basically bullies and kinda psycho terrors Lea. The girls room is right next to the kitchen and the walls are thin af, and Eve is super incredibly loud on purpose. Always blames the others for shit she did and whatelse. Lea doesnt even like gettin outta her room man. Anyway, this was kinda a rant... Though now we come to the last type of relationship in a dorm. The one that i got with my own dormmates.

Ghost sightings on main-relations

I am what you call, "social anxiety af" which is funny for someone training to be a therapist. While everyone else sees each other on reg in their dorms, I spook around my three-person apartment dorm like a ghost. And ngl so do the other two. I can count on one hand the times ive seen my dormmate Ca this months and i have not seen Mal a single time this past month, but I can hear them scuttling like lil bugs. And who am I to blame when I did the same thing with my old two roomies Sar and Ann lmao. But genuinely, we're at a point where weve got an unanomous decision to let each other have the kitchen alone and only go there if its rlly important or if no one is in it. Btw Sar if you see this, I know you use tumblr ive seen your mcr shirt too. I liked ya as a dormmate, our sleep deprived 2am conversation gave me a will to go on when I felt fucked over by school. Youre a real one. I hope youre becomin a really cool speech therapist. And i hope the school resend your diploma lmao

[melodraca]

hi. I'm seeing a lot of Tatiana in your oc tag. tell me about Tatiana if you felt so inclined? 👀

Hi. asfgxmgk thank you so much for the ask, oc asks are like crack to me

Tatiana is my best friend/RP partner's oc. She's technically from her own separate story (a modern drama/romance university type situation), but they haven't written it yet, so I'm mostly basing this off of the verson of her in one of our RPs.

Said RP was vaguely inspired by The Long Dark and Frostpunk. It's set during an apocalypse, where the Earth is being overtaken by a sudden iceage/massive blizzard, and the main cast of protagonists are traveling across the country to try and find somewhere that hasn't frozen over yet.

Tatiana is one of the main characters, and is in a relationship with my character Jordan. The whole story began with Jordan, who was visiting Canada as a volunteer to try and help people evacuate. The storm got too bad for her to escape and she ended up stranded with another character (Amir).

Tatiana came in when a rescue was attempted for Jordan and Amir, and she was a part of the crew. They didn't make it too far (helicopter crashed :/) and from there, she was stuck with them, along with a military medic who was also a part of the rescue team (John). On their way, they picked up several more people to join them as they traveled south.

OK that was a lot of preface. I'm so sorry.

So, Tatiana herself is an anarchist and a tattoo artist, deeply involved in the punk subculture. She's tall, toned, covered in tattoos, has blue hair and pronouns, etc. But on god, she is not as cool as she sounds. She's so cringefail. She's just such a fucking loser. She's wet and pathetic. And I love her so much. She sucks, and I would kill for her. I walk into a room and I tell everyone "get ready here comes the most specialest girl ever if you don't cheer and clap for her I'll blow this whole fucking building up."

(Jordan actually does blow a building up for her at one point)

Ok but genuinely, I feel so bad for her. She joined the mission to try and save Amir (her best friend) and for a moment she felt like a hero. Until that mission failed horribly. And after that, she felt like she had to be a leader and that she had a responsibility to step up and keep their group safe. But she kept failing, sometimes by no fault of her own, and sometimes as a result of some very bad decisions. She ended up being somewhat ostracized by parts of the group, and even eventually by Amir, her best friend.

Some fun facts:

- She grew up with really strict, awful parents

- She's so mentally ill, she's just a mess. Her dorm room was a prime example of "damn bitch you live like this?" She's just like me fr.

- She managed to get on the incredibly dangerous and borderline suicidal rescue mission to save her friend by "convincing" one of the officers to let her on (she punched him in the face)

- She'd fight anyone. She'd fight her own reflection. She'd fight god.

- Most of her tattoos were done by herself

- She's a cat person

- The cast of protagonists in this particular RP is so funny because at one point they end up hating each other so much. It's like the world's most toxic found family

- A lot of it was spurred by Tatiana being reckless and hot-headed. Part of it was due to her getting into a misunderstanding with another character (no one's fault) which resulted in said character (Nur) being hurt pretty bad. Nur's ride-or-die best friend (Esther), who holds a grudge like nobody's business, despised her so much for it that it ended up fracturing the group for some time.

- They get better though

- John's kind of like the glue that holds everyone together. He's everyone's friend. He's the capybara of the group. A real peacemaker. He was always nice to her, even if some of the others weren't

- Tatiana is so into her cool scary girlfriend; she's so gay for her it hurts

- Favorite Tatiana quote => "Maybe I want to take risks. Maybe I want to keep pushing myself, further and further. 'Cause, if I stop, I might never start up again. That somehow, that rush is all I have left. So maybe I'll keep risking it. Until something finally takes me out."

- She disappeared from the group for like 2 months because she was so sopping wet and sad and convinced that nobody liked her that she thought it would be best for her to run away. When she returns, she's gone through a journey of personal growth (beat up some guys, got beat up, joined a lesbian survivalist commune, got a cool badass wardrobe change) but she's still a little bit cringefail.

- She gets a massive burn scar on her face at one point during her personal journey, and when she returns she's like "Jordan... I'm so sorry,, You probably think I'm hideous now.... :(" And Jordan, who has had severe facial scarring since before they met, is just like "No???? Why the fuck would you think-"

For some reason this picrew my friend made is the only picture I can find of her. The hyperrealistic hand.

[ellibean-icecream]

Like Tears in the Rain Ch 6 - Than Answers

“Sai. We’ve finally made it. Do you remember me?”

Castti paused at the edge of town, her two companions on either side. She felt a familiar fear bubbling up inside of her, threatening to fill her entirely. The same feeling she’d had each time she pushed herself to remember something from her life before. The helplessness. If she couldn’t find answers – here or in Winterbloom – what hope did she have of finding them within herself.

Her allies had noticed her hesitation. Partitio shifted to her side, resting a hand on her shoulder. His wide grin was already a staple in her life, one she wasn’t sure she’d be able to continue without. “We got your back, Cas. Through thick and thin.”

“Comforting.” She couldn’t help but rib him, even though his words did help to quell her worry. “What could I possibly fear when I have rugged strength to keep me safe.”

“...now ya ain’t gotta be mean about it, Castti.” Partitio feigned pain, pressing his hand to his chest as if she’d buried her hatchet there.

“Was that an ill-tempered comment? Your strength is evident, I had thought, and your prowess with your spear has never been in question.” The western warrior’s words elicited an immediate reaction from the yellow-coated merchant, causing him to stumble and nearly fall.

“Clearly his balance could use some work.” Castti helped to steady him, giving him a knowing look. “Come, before my nerves get the best of–”

“Help! Someone! Anyone!”

A townswoman stood before them, a frantic look upon her face. Castti was in motion before either of her companions had the chance to react, quickly closing the distance between the two of them.

“My friend is wounded! Someone, help him!”

Another townsperson responded before Castti reached the panicked woman, both of them turning and running off. Two townsfolk shook their heads, muttering slightly to themselves.

They seemed to know the source of this commotion, so she shifted to their side as her companions caught up. “May I ask what’s going on?”

“Fighting, lady.” Castti bristled slightly at his dismissive tone, but didn’t interrupt; Partitio’s brows furrowed, seeming just as annoyed. “With the soldiers of the town over yonder. Folk living in this town are outsiders. Immigrants. We don’t have much to live off of.”

Castti nodded as they explained their plight, digging in her bag for herbs she would need shortly. Fighting meant open wounds; she’d need purebalm to cleanse them before she could stitch them up. She took stock of her inventory, pulling out her replacement medical log. She jotted down a number of herbs and supplies she’d need, tearing the page and handing it to Partitio.

“Meet me at the hospital with these. If you could guide me there, I will see to those who need aid.”  The townsman nodded, quickly leading her to the small hovel that served as the town’s hospital. 

Hospital seemed an over-exaggeration – the structure before her was closer to a tent, the walls made of thick canvas. Only the floor seemed to be permanent, a wooden foundation set in the sands.

Castti pushed through the canvas doors. The smell hit her first, the cloying, iron scent of blood hanging heavily in the air. Half a dozen soldiers lay on mats on the hardwood floor. Three more stood within with no visible injuries. She crossed her arms, a frown crossing her face; they would only get in the way of her care.

“How long’re you slouches plannin’ on lazing around?” One of the soldiers – their leader most likely – spoke up, drawing an angry glare from the overworked apothecary in charge of the patients. “You know the rules. You don’t work, you don’t eat.”

Anger boiled inside Castti, her hand slipping down to her weapon. Hikari, likewise, tensed, his hand at his blade. She forced herself to loosen her grip, gesturing Hikari likewise.

“Master Edmund, please. I’ve only just staunched this man’s wounds.”

“Spare me the sob story, bonemender. A man’s gotta be strong if he wants to make it in this world. Gotta be a provider, y’get me? You don’t work, you don’t eat. No excuses.”

Castti was beginning to rethink waving the swordsman off, ire burning deep inside her. She pushed her resentment down, banishing the thoughts of violence from her mind. Further blooshed would do more harm than good. She stepped forward, clearing her throat. “Excuse me, but if I may intrude?”

“Haven’t seen you around here before. You got a problem with me, speak up.” She caught sight of Hikari sizing up one of the other soldiers, his hand resting on the hilt of his blade.

“Injuries need time to heal. He cannot work in his condition. He requires rest now. Exertion will cause his wounds to reopen, putting his very life at risk.”

The soldier was barely able to murmur a protest at his captain, who snorted derisively. “Worthless. This is a waste of time. Listen up, all of you! You got backbone, you come with me!”

The dour warrior pressed forward, catching Castti with his arm and pushing her aside. Hikari bared the first inch of his blade in threat, meeting his eyes and staring him down, waiting on her command. “Outta my way, bonemender. Don’t bother me unless you can hold a sword. Like your friend here.”

The other uninjured soldiers followed his exit. Hikari sheathed his blade, nodding to her as she turned to speak to her fellow apothecary. The soldiers on the ground let out pained noises, catching their attention. They were still suffering, waiting to be treated by the overworked apothecary. Castti stepped closer to her, hoping to see her treatment notes.

“Thank you for before, miss..?”

Castti smiled slightly, her eyes drifting over her, taking in her appearance. Her fellow practitioner stood just a few inches shorter than her, her long, dark hair pulled into a practical bun much like her own. Her exhaustion was evident, dark bags formed under her eyes; her hands were shaking slightly, even as they spoke. She had a caring fire kindled behind her beautiful eyes.

Castti found herself transfixed, an all too familiar blush spreading across her face. She tried her best to banish those distracting thoughts.

“C-Castti. I’m a traveling apothecary. May I offer my assistance?” Smooth as always. She was suddenly glad Partitio had yet to return.

“Mao. It would be most welcome. There’s more hurts here than I can tend alone.”

Castti nodded, kneeling to help the patient adjacent to Mao; as soon as Partitio returned, she set her two companions to simpler tasks. Preparing bandages, fetching water, keeping the simple hospital tidy as they worked.

New chapter for my fic, available on Ao3! One of my fics at least. Give me a shout and let me know what you think as I spread my gay mess Castti agenda to the four corners of the world.

[cagenerals]

Love Letter To Myself by Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

Quite the name.

No one says it right and you don't care to ever correct them. You hate the name. It's complicated and the way it looks doesn’t match the way it sounds, but it's unique. There's not much meaning. I guess some uncle named Anthony died and your mom wanted a girl version of that. You never met him, but it seems like your family loved him. Hopefully they love you just as much, if not more.

Dad. You can't say he was a deadbeat because he was there… just not there. He has always been around but it's almost as if he was just a body. No emotion. No love. Only the bi-weekly forced company. But he was young when he had you and now he just works a lot.

Mom Grandma gave you everything your dad wasn't around for. Taught you how to bathe, taught you to not talk to strangers, taught you how to cook, the basics of course. 

You didn't learn what you really needed until your mom grew up. She taught you how to stand up for yourself and how to love. How to fight your own battles and how important school is.

School. It's been kicking your ass.

You've always been told that for the first 18 years of your life that's all that matters. Don't worry about anything but school. 

What about you?

You want to worry about yourself, but in the grand scheme of things there's no time for that. Genetics or whatever targeted you and caused all those mental illnesses. You have depression, anxiety, and bipolar dis— back to school. 

Burned out former gifted child. That's the best way to refer to it. For me, school was easy until it wasn't. 

Honor roll; I'm so proud. Honor roll; amazing. Honor roll; I love you. Honor roll; you’re the best.

Middle school was a long time ago, but I remember the love that came with being there. Everyone was always so proud of you. That's your favorite thing to hear. It inspires you to keep going because your hard work is recognized and appreciated, but it all stopped. No one is proud anymore.

The constant state of disappointment became your state of being. So, what does one do when they run out of external validation? You have to look for it within yourself. 

I’m not my own number one fan. I think that’s okay for now. As humans we all crave a bit of validation from those we care about, an “I’m proud of you” or a “nice job” could make or break a person if we’re being honest. 

The problem is that you only really have yourself at the end of the day. So, I know I don’t like you too much, but I hope one day I will. I just kind of have to stick around until that day comes.

It’s not only because I deserve it. I don’t think anyone deserves to be quite this upset with themselves. Regardless of what I believe right now, I know I'm no exception. 

It’s also out of spite. As a big “f*ck you” to all of the teachers who thought I was a lost cause. To all of the therapists who thought I wasn’t worth their time. To the “friends” who didn’t stick around long enough to see me succeed. I owe it to myself to be my best self, out of spite to the universe and everything it has put me through. 

I think you just kind of owe it to yourself to love yourself just as much as anyone else is capable of loving you. We’ll get there one day. Until then, I'll keep us alive, but you have to do the rest. Change for me, it’s the best way to grow.

~

Special note: This assignment was based off of Love Letter To Myself by Afghan feminist and human rights activist Noorjahan Akbar. Noorjahan has led protests for human rights across Afghanistan and launched the website called Free Women Writers.

All names and identities on CA GENERALS have been protected for privacy.

[luveline]

your boy who is a friend, peter | tasm!peter parker x reader

Every assumption you have about me so far has been right - I don’t know how to make breakfast and I hate flapjacks, brownies are my favorite and I would really, really miss you if you disappeared, but all the stuff you think about yourself? None of that stuff is true.

summary you and Peter are pen pals. [2.5k]

warnings fluff, slight hurt/comfort, letters, lonely reader, fem!reader

read part two here

<3

Dear Peter,

HELLO! HI! Hey from Sunny California! Does sunny need a capital? It feels capital, there is so much sun! I kind of hate it; you'd love it very much. Sometimes I think I can see you lying next to me.

I'm sorry my letter took so long to reach you this time, moving took longer than I thought it would. I've missed talking to you!

How's Aunt May? Please tell her I hope she's okay. How are you? I know the last time we spoke you were a little sick, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you still wrote to me when you felt so ill. I hope you're doing better now. If you're still sick make sure to tell me — I can send you some more candy. I hope the t-shirt fit, it makes me laugh to picture you walking around in it.

Things here are okay. You don't have to worry about me. The weather has been good for me, and I spend a lot more time outside. I am feeling much better, and I'm sorry if I said anything last time to make you think I was having a bad time. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable.

There are so many things I want to tell you but I'm worried changing address will mess us up a little, so I think I'll send this one and see if you write back. Alright.

Love, your friend Y/N

Dear Y/N,

I've enclosed some important photographs for you that I trust will stay between us.

[FIRST PHOTOGRAPH: Peter is wearing the shirt you sent him while sick. It's a little too tight on him now, because, you gasp, he seems to have gained a lot of muscle very quickly. You stare down at the photograph and can't work out why your heartbeat picks up. The t-shirt says world's best pen pal, handmade, with a cartoon drawing of yourself on the  chest. His grin is blinding.]

[SECOND PHOTOGRAPH: Aunt May looking more angry than any woman has ever looked with a sponge in hand dripping water down her sleeve. This one is titled in sharpie, 'Aunt May doesn't like when I try to do the dishes :('.]

[THIRD PHOTOGRAPH: Aunt May and Peter sitting side by side, both smiling. This one titled, 'Aunt May finds out I'm sending a photograph to you and demands a retake. I won't tell her about the first'.]

As you can see I'm darling as ever and cured of any and all ailments. Jokes aside, I'm just fine. Please don't worry about me, bub. I'm fit as a fiddle. I've been spending a lot more time outside these days skating and May hates it. We argued but I set things straight, I hope, and I hope she knows how much I love her. It's nice to write that down.

Don't think about all that! I would write to you on death's door, plus that would be kind of sick. Maybe death would write you a paragraph or two.

The t-shirt did fit, as you can see, and I won't say no to more candy but obviously you don't have to send anything. I've included some of the gummy hearts you like from the bodega in case you're struggling to find them over in bright CA.

You don't have to be sorry to me. I love hearing about your life, I'm only sorry you go through all this stuff alone. Please let me know if there's anything I can do, sweetheart, I mean it. You're allowed to have unhappy times and you're more than allowed to tell me about them, and I'm so glad the weather is making you feel a bit better.

I'll keep this letter short too and hope it arrives at your new address. I miss you.

Your boy who is a friend, Peter B Parker :3

Dear Peter,

"The t-shirt did fit," in what world? You're busting out of it like a canned cinnamon roll. No offense. But seriously??? How much working out are you doing? Should skateboarding really be giving you such upper body bulk? I'm gonna stop tooting your horn now, but seriously, Peter.

Now that we are successfully reconnected, I've been dying to ask! Have you seen this Spider-Man guy in New York? Well, you probably have. Silly question. But have you seen him in real life? I saw he beat this weird lizard guy from Oscorp, didn't you go there recently? That means he lives close by!

How do you think he does all that jumping around? Is he a meta human? A mutant? Is he half spider? It's kind of awesome to see him punching people in the face, but imagine if he'd been evil and he's wrapping all these villains up in silk to eat later on. Ew.

I wanted to be honest with you and I hope I don't put you off me, but California is lonely. Sometimes I feel like you're the only person in the world who would miss me if I disappeared, and I've been thinking about it more and more. Maybe one day I'll just get on an airplane and never come back..

Yeah right! I'd miss you too much. Miss you too much now. I'm sending a photograph of myself. I went to the Santa Monica Pier and asked this old guy to take my photo and I'm just lucky he didn't steal my camera.

[PHOTOGRAPH: You stand against a colourful backdrop of attractions and candy vans, face lit by a flashing green and red. You're holding a rainbow candy floss in your hand. Your smile is not quite right, but you're trying.]

Do you think things will get better soon? I'm very tired. The pier was nice, but I thought it would've made me happier.

Aunt May looks beautiful in your photos, please tell her, and you look handsome too. Not as lovely as May, but close.

[SKETCH ON LETTER: Aunt May. It's a good drawing. You've pencilled hearts around her.]

I've included some drawings I did for her. I know she likes the flower ones. I did some of the ones native here. There's even one called the Sticky Monkey Flower (lol!) which I've labeled very carefully. There's also roses and California poppies, duh, but the California poppies aren't that cute. Poor California.

There's a flower called Yarrow, but they also call it a nosebleed plant, a devil's nettle and the thousand-leaf. I thought all those plant names were pretty sick. I hope she likes them. Tell her I'll draw her anything she wants (if she wants).

I have to go out soon and I want to send this so it gets to you quick, so I'll leave it here.

Your friend, Y/N

Dear Y/N,

Your drawings are so pretty. Aunt May is over the moon, and liked the Sticky monkey flower most. She wants to get it framed and says your use of colour is more and more sophisticated and gorgeous as you grow. So yeah, thanks for that. She keeps asking when I'll do something that nice for her myself. :0

I have seen all this Spider-Man malarkey. I think he looks like a dumbass in his spandex, but besides that I love looking that he's looking after the city. Somebody has to!

You looked very, very pretty at the pier. I think you're an idiot for letting some random dude hold your camera considering what it cost and how long it took me to fix your lense, but it was worth it. You're honestly the prettiest girl I've ever seen (sorry if that's a bit much, but it's true). Even sad, you look lovely.

I do worry about you a little bit, as a friend, and you sound melancholy. I know we said at the start of this that we wouldn't exchange cell numbers, and I think we were right for doing it, but if you'll allow it, your majesty, I'd like to send you my digits next time. I said digits to make you laugh, FYI, not because I'm insufferable. Just in case you need someone to call. You don't have to use it ever if you don't want to and I won't ask for yours, but I hate that you're lonely. I might be miles away but I'm here for you.

Oh, and before I forget - I doubt very much Spider-Man is eating people. You might think to yourself, oh, my most darling Peter, how could you possibly know that? But do me a favour and just trust me on this one.

Your letter came way faster than I thought it would and my life is the kind of mundane where I've got nothing to say besides the usual, so I'm gonna send you some photographs I've taken that would describe it better than I can. I also tried to draw you something. Don't show anyone. :)

[FIRST PHOTOGRAPH: A plate of eggs and bacon. The two eggs are a stark white and full body yellow, yokes perfect, and the bacon makes a smile. It's a very happy breakfast. They sit on a white, worn plate and are framed by shining silver cutlery.]

[SECOND PHOTOGRAPH: A dog on the subway. He's a Jack Russel mixed with something fluffy, licking the pale hand of his sleeping owner.]

[THIRD PHOTOGRAPH: The entrance to his college. It's a sad day. A stretch of white stone is dabbled in pits of grey, and a raindrop fogs the lense.]

[FOURTH PHOTOGRAPH: Peter's notebook. You can see the edge of a letter poking out of the back on familiar stationary, see your handwriting at the very top, the letters DEAR P, and then nothing else. The page is filled with equations and sums you don't understand, a pencil the size of your pinky finger discarded on top.]

[DRAWING: A cat in a top hat. The cat's fur has been shaded haphazardly to look like he's wearing a tuxedo. You can see the lines where he's attempted to give the cat an instrument and then given up. There's a speech bubble made of wobbly lines that says: 'MEOW to you sir'. Underneath he has written, very small, 'not my best work'.]

I'm thinking of you. I hope you're having a good day. Take care of yourself for us (me and May).

Your boy who's a friend, Peter :3

Dear Peter,

I have given your cat a trumpet and sent him back. He is very handsome and I thought you'd like him with his instrument.

I don't want to be weird but I cried a lot reading your last letter. You and your aunt are more kind to me than I deserve. Thank you. I noticed your aunt didn't ask for anything in particular last time so I have attached a bunch of different things and she can keep any that she likes or send them all back, I just thought she would enjoy them. A thank you for her nice praise on my flowers.

[DRAWINGS, LAID OUT: A duck, a bowl of soup, a leaf. A small painting of a cup of water with ice cubes, dripping condensation. A plate of flapjacks in gouache, brown on a pinky red background. A small self-portrait in graphite with pink hearts, hardly done and with less confident shading than typical. On the back, 'Me after your letter'.]

You are always so nice to me. I don't know what to say, but you are. I think you're more than handsome as well, and I can't believe you think I'm the prettiest girl in the world. It makes me feel a bit sick that you think that, considering you're the prettiest boy I've ever seen, and you talk to me. I don't think I'm even in the top 1 billion, haha.

Your breakfast was so cute, I wonder if it was May or you? Either way it's pretty cool. I'm leaning towards May.

How is college going for you? I'm sorry I don't ask a lot, it is impossible to forget how smart you are but I forget that there are people teaching you. I feel like you did all your learning while the rest of us were trying to do our E's the right way.

I've been making flapjacks, a million different kinds. I think you'd hate them, really hate them, I don't know why, but they seem like something you wouldn't enjoy. I'll have to learn how to make something you like. What desserts are your favourite? You'd think after years of letters I'd remember. Maybe you mentioned it, I feel like you like brownies. You're a brownie looking boy. Haha. Oh god, I don't know why I said that.

Thank you for the photographs last time, I've put them up in my room. They make a nice decoration and they remind me of you.

I wouldn't be opposed to your phone number, if you want to give it to me. Thank you.

It's been my longest stroke of luck to have you in my life, Parker.

Love, Y/N

Dear Y/N

I thought I would start this letter off with my true intentions so I don’t shock you.

I like you.

I want you to come see me, or I want to come see you, and I know that’s a big step and a taboo of pen pals, but it’s true. I miss you while I wait for your next letters, I think about you all the time. I keep your photographs in my wallet and I’m writing letters to you in my head everywhere I go. I know you’re shy and maybe scared of being yourself, but every bit of you I’ve had the luck to see, I’ve adored. I know this is forward but I guess you’re not surprised, I never really hide how I feel. Just — if you like me too, let me know.

Every assumption you have about me so far has been right - I don’t know how to make breakfast and I hate flapjacks, brownies are my favorite and I would really, really miss you if you disappeared, but all the stuff you think about yourself? None of that stuff is true. You think you don’t make the top 1 billion but you’re number 1 - prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. You think you’re silly and weird and that you’re going to drive me away by being honest but you won’t.

So I know you might be reading this letter and thinking to yourself that it’s a cruel trick, but it’s the truth. I like you, I really like you, and I don’t think you need to be so lonely anymore.

We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Call me and we’ll work it out, or we won’t. We can talk about the colour of grass if that’s what you want.

(+718) XXX-XXXX

Your boy(who is a)friend, Peter x

UNKNOWN NUMBER:

Hi Peter

PETER:

hello, sweetheart

<3

𝗆𝖺𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍

thanks for reading ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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