#and when I feel like i've hit a wall in my studying then my brain goes 'ok here's all the writing inspiration you could ever want'

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

you need to know so much about electricity in my line of work and it just does NOT stick with me, I'm reviewing stuff from my first year of school in preparation for a big exam next week and it just makes me feel like a caveman

[diabolicallittledemi]

i think the reason I took so long to accept/realize I had ADHD was because I don't struggle too hard in school. I keep mostly A's, a B every once in a while, and I don't need to study to keep those grades. This sounds egotistical as fuck, but I'm genuinely just naturally smart. I know that. I didn't have to try very hard. (there were moments, though, where i half-assed assignments and projects that required too much strain and barely skimmed by. go figure.) But now I'm at a point academically where I have to write papers siting peer-reviewed journals and articles for my classes and I'm doing more projects and my classes are actually harder than trig level and I'm like. oh. okay. I did good before because i was smart and didn't have to try hard but now that something requires an OUNCE of effort more and my brain shuts off. I've always struggled with reading comprehension, as it's difficult to concentrate on words, and getting to a point where I have to read scientific articles makes me feel like I hit a wall only visible to me and not my peers. they can adapt and I'm left here below reading level because I struggle so badly with it. I can't sit through more than 5 minutes doing an assignment without losing focus and it's so so frustrating. I had issues before this, with ADHD, but they didn't impact me academically (noticeably, considering i struggled at some points but kept my honors grades so it wasn't too bad) but now it IS and I'm STRUGGLING and I hate it. it's not that I'm lazy and don't wanna do it; I TRY, I try so hard, but no matter what I do, i can't concentrate long enough or force myself to comprehend what I'm doing. for the first time in my life, my grades are all dropping, and I'm FAILING my classes. what do I do when I'm behind in every class? nothing, because my stupid brain is overwhelmed now and can't handle something that requires more than 1% of my brain power to do. I'm left feeling like shit because I can't fix it. I can't just try harder. I'm trying my best and it still isn't enough. I want to go back to when ADHD was something that affected me more socially than academically. anyways tho. that's enough oversharing on tumblr for one day

[nerves-nebula]

I feel like mikeys are always more emotionally aware. So so socially but the way you have it as mikey being the first to realize the truly fucked up nature of the family is just so in line for a mikey. I feel like they usually have this knack for realizing things and how I feel like your ver just seems like he has kind of adapted to be more aware whether he likes it or not, keep an eye and an ear out without realizing it.

[Once again talking about general Michelangelos] when times get tough then most of the times you can see them being the light hearted jokester to lighten the mood if they can tell they're doing it or not but since they weren't raised neglectful they dont have/havent developed the coping mechanisms and reactions your mikey has from what I've seen/read[first reaction to create a wall and border infront of his emotions, sorta. a thick wall to avoid the topic and the only one allowed out is anger i guess is the best way my brain can put it] unlike other versions who embrace every single feeling they have to the fullest. Sorry for Michelangelo brainrot I have this primal instinct to just zero in on every single one of the little shits. Also im planning on studying psychology so maybeee that has a part! WHO KNOWS! all I know is that your turtles are super duper awesome and cool and have sick ass designs, take care, have fun, you're doing terrific!

YEAH you hit the nail on the head there tbh. I wanted to keep that familiar trait of Mikey being the most socially/emotionally aware. but in this context it means that he's perpetually frustrated that everyone around him keeps making things worse for each other, when CLEARLY the problem is SPLINTER!

so in part he sort of gives up. he never really GIVES UP but he gives up taking the road where you try to directly advise people, and instead kind of has to put up his defenses in order to be functional enough to help his siblings through their emotional issues once they're ready to process shit.

and it sucks ass to be incredibly aware of how shitty and toxic your environment is and just watch people you care about getting worse and worse. guh.

so he's less of a Funny Jokester and more of a bitter little shit who's impatiently waiting for his brothers to shape up. He snipes sarcastically at his brothers for their negative traits, and makes jokes when he can, but tbh he's often too frustrated/lowkey angry to actually joke around without putting real venom in said jokes.

anyway I'm glad you like him <<<33

[leafened]

learned that the issue i have where i "go insane" and feel like my body and brain is on fire and can't sleep/ dissociate/become agoraphobic/ feel like I'm being tortured to the point that I have to boil my skin off in a bath or apply ice everywhere and scream/hit/claw myself/drive all night and sleep in my car to get a sliver of relief is because of something called Akathesia that is known to be triggered by tons of antipsychotics and bipolar meds as well as certain antibiotics and steroids.

the symptoms vary and the syndrome is notoriously hard to describe in words, but the one common description patients give is that they feel like they're being mentally and physically tortured. After Cipro last year I was so desperate I ended up soaking my feet in Epsom salts for 8 hours a day (magnesium definitely helps tamp down symptoms), and when I last had prednisone I by all definitions went totally insane the entire course and a while after the course was over. I dealt with this for years straight in high school, probably bc of antibiotics (varying intensity but often completely unbearable, i ended up suicidal and homicidal (typical for the syndrome)) and the most fucked up part is that I've been keeping bipolar meds on the table in case the mania comes back, but an estimated 20% of people end up with Akathesia from bipolar meds, and some never come back from it even after quitting meds. Antipsychotics are even worse, studies show 40-60% of patients on antipsychotics met the diagnostic criteria. and the symptoms just look like insane person shit, so basically zero chance your psychiatrist will work with you to quit them, they'll just up your dose or switch to a med that does the same thing. withdrawal actually makes the symptoms worse, so even if you do manage to quit, you'll probably end up with a prescription again

overall I had maybe 3 years since puberty where I primarily got only nighttime symptoms and only 1 year of no symptoms at all. looking back the Cipro+Prednisone I took 3 years ago for chronic ear infections probably triggered this resurgence, and I had to take Cipro AGAIN 2 months ago for a UTI (amplifying the episode frequency once more). I'm going to keep having those types of risk exposure my whole life and I already spend a good 1/5 of my time actively in an episode. I don't want to add to that

Bonus being I only discovered this bc I've been frequenting antipsych and anti therapy forums. Doctors do not care about people and want the mentally ill and other "problem patients" to die

I also wonder how many people w "slam your head into the wall" style autism are dealing with this. one of the most common presentations is a need for continual movement. I read a South African study a while back showing that therapeutic doses of magnesium+potassium (important to have both bc one uses up the other or smth in periods of stress, don't feel like looking it up rn) significantly reduced repetitive stress behaviors in autistic kids. But magnesium and potassium aren't profitable so why would the industry recommend them.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW abuse, ableism, gaslighting, desperation, insomnia. Hello, I'm writing because I currently can't sleep and I'm trying to stay afloat. If you can reassure me I'd appreciate it.

I'm disabled and stuck in my abusive household from which I commute 4hrs in total to study at university. I've been at it for 4 years now, even sent asks about it here years ago. I have chronic fatigue, chronic pain, sensory issues and a specific garment I have to wear that hurts me and it's a daily battle I lose my mind over.

It's my final year until I finish this diploma, ideally I would like to complete it with something else later but I'm not that stressed about it because I plan on taking an at least year long break once I'm done with this one.

Right now, I feel tired all the time. I don't feel rested when I sleep, and when I find myself unable to do it, I can't even try to "reason" with my brain because I know it is right. I'm not safe here. My room doesn't lock. My parents can come in and do whatever the fuck they want to me or my things, anytime.

When I look in the mirror, I just see my eye bags. And I worry about losing my health slowly. I know I'm already technically burnt out, but I'm terrified of completely hitting a wall, and having to deal with the consequences of life long sleep deprivation that I am aware of and powerless to stop. I tried to talk about it with a professor after being advised to, only mentionning the transportation issue because I'm not comfortable with her. She just dismissed me because "she also does that" and "you can just organize properly".

I have so much rage about this interaction right now. It felt like a slap to the face, considering that the very reason I was there in person was that I was already doing what she was saying. My organization is perfect. I'm never late. I always show up, even when it means waking up at 5 and sleeping 4hrs or less. My classmates who live in the city often say that I'm the most hardworking one. But somehow, I should just try harder?? I'm so angry and hurt right now.

I know the truth, and it's not easy or pretty. You can't self help out of abuse. You can't "organize" out of it either. And I feel so powerless these days. I wish I could just sleep.

Hey anon,

I would encourage you to have a set nightly routine, and really stick to it. Electronics off at least an hour before bedtime. Perhaps write about your day, get all of your feelings and thoughts out of your head and on paper. Do a small sleep meditation. Play some soft music. Do all of your nightly self care like face washing and teeth brushing. Drink water. Having a routine can help stabilise your sleep, and make you sleep better.

I would also consider sleep medication from a professional source whenever possible. Many colleges offer student mental health services or resources for affordable student housing too. I suggest looking into those.

I also encourage you to remind yourself of what is and what is not in your control, and work to let go of what you cannot control. Remind yourself that there is nothing to do but care for yourself. Get your own rest. Everything else is out of your control.

I know this situation is a difficult one for you, anon. I am proud of how far you have come, and how much you have fought to be here. Keep it up. You are doing fantastic.

~Mod Night

[hyperforcereignition]

"Gonna start a revolution! Go by the name hero!"

________

So, time for a BIG update.

Hyper Force Reignition Status Update

One of the biggest struggles I've been having is honestly, even wanting to post again. Burnout is real and dealing with a lot of IRL stresses doesn't help. I also was struggling with the scope of this fict, because I wanted to really linger and flesh out this AU, but I kept running into walls or having some really messed up experiences, l really don't wanna go into here involving IRL, that made it hard to wanna work (Death in the family, car getting stolen and wrecked)

Genuinely, I was struggling. I made models, I tried to keep forcing myself to work through it, but I just was NOT HAVING FUN ANYMORE.

Like, this was the biggest thing. I never lost my love for this fict, but man, I was not enjoying myself and I felt a lot of pressure.

This is something, I think I need to specify going forward when discussing Reignition and the tags later on will be updated to reflect that.

This is not an AU

This an iteration. So, it is DELIBERATELY different and canon is beloved and adored by me, but I cannot write it as is. Not out of a dislike for it, but because that's just not how my brain was wired. I've tried to explain it as "Same bones, different journey" but I don't think even that was enough.

The difference between Reignition and SRTMHFG is the same difference as THESE

I got back into TMNT as well, so this is kinda how I realized that I needed to really lean into the "iteration" part of Reignition, because truth be told, this wasn't really a canon rewrite. Canon was a suggestion left at the door.

An iteration is different from an AU cause it's that person's full interpretation of the story and telling their own version of it in it's entirety. I didn't wanna initially call Reignition that, because I didn't even realize it was that, but canon rewrite wasn't proper either... because it's not.

Also, because I've been getting some real pressure I wanna be out here and say it right now.

The worm?

This worm? This thing?

Big Chungus here?

YEAH NOT HAPPENING.

Aileen and I have some very specific body horror squicks and she has expressed to me, extreme discomfort over the idea of covering this arc because she doesn't want to illustrate it and I don't wanna write it.

This hits a very specific squick of ours, it's non negotiable.

Due to the "iteration" thing again, season 3 will have it's OWN storyline which comes up to the latest thing...

I have decided Reignition as it stands currently is COMPLETED...

I feel a little bad I didn't contemplate this sooner cause I could've announced it differently, but when I posted the last chapter here, I thought i was going to keep pushing through into the next arc.

Instead, we'll be going into...

BOOK 2

Hyper Force: Feathering

As the story evolved and grew, it's become painfully obvious to me, that the way I was going was NOT going to work out.

So, instead of rushing through and giving you guys a non satisfactory ending...

We're coming back and in a new way. Keep an eye out. It'll be posted here to the Reignition tumblr as always and be locked into the series on A03. I will also still continue Reignition: Maintenance Checks as now that I've decided to turn this into a series proper, it's been feeling a lot better.

I'm also going to be incorporating promotional videos and I've been studying animation and using vroid more and more. There's a lot underway that I'm excited to get to.

Also keep an eye out for updated models! Aileen is cookin and I'm cookin!

I'm gonna also work on not putting as much pressure on myself, because I kept feeling like I had to be 'perfect'.

Kinda lost sight of why I was doing this.

I'm doing it for my younger self.

She's the one I'm doing 99% of this for.

So, going forward... what's happening to the main fict?

Thing is, while it's technically 'done' it's not. I had a full plot hashing out happen and I need to edit some early sections of it. That will happen over the next few weeks, so keep an eye out, I will be updating it as if it was regular updates, because it's new content just updated chapters. My soft goal, is to be back up and running by the 20th anniversary of SRMTHFG.

I've been honestly, trying to decide if I wanted to even make an update post, but it's been so long since I posted properly and... I don't believe in hiding.

I'm not fully ready to be back yet, but I hope you guys will stay with me, while I'm updating and getting stuff ready. Some sneak peek stuff will go up after this post.

Thanks for reading guys!

See you soon!

HYPER FORCE GO!!!!

[kenobster]

3, 18 and 29 please <3333

From AO3 Wrapped [Writers' Edition]

Thank you for the ask, anon! ^_^

#3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

I hate to be a cliche of myself again, but Five Peggats Each. (And this includes all things I've ever written in my life actually :D). There's a few reasons for it, I think. One, it's like HUGELY within my comfort zone. The limited setting, the noncon, the tropes of the characters themselves. This is the type of story I have the most practice with, so it naturally comes easier and in better quality I think? Two, how, despite it being a comfort zone, I've used this fic as kind of a sandbox to experiment a lot of different writing techniques. For example, this is the most POVs I've ever written in a single fandom, let alone a single story (which usually stays around 1-2). For other examples, like, I've tried to be really mindful about metaphors/prose and how they can twist reality (like that time I spent like 8 hours researching in-universe Star Wars bands & instruments just so I could write one paragraph lmao)... or even how I recently tried to use second person POV to give the reader the same disassociation/discomfort/dysphoria that Anakin was feeling after regaining use of the Force. These experiments were all really hard to pull off, and I'm proud of myself for attempting them. And three, how I've allowed 5PE to be a project that can take as long as I want it to take to finish, so long as I do finish it. So on one hand, it's been a really good exercise in self-discipline & practice in maintaining my passion for the story, despite the constant barrage of shiny new plot bunnies. And on the other hand, the lack of a time pressure allows me to really spend time on the quality of every single line (excepting human mistakes & typos of course lmfao), while also not letting that perfectionism stand in the way of progress. It's really helped me become more confident in storycrafting from beginning to end, in a way I've never really felt in my old fandom or writing. On top of all that, it's the only fic that I can actually read after posting updates without feeling like it's exfoliating my entire body to do so lol. I actually enjoy reading it sometimes. So that's nice.

#18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Answered here. :)

#29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year

Really hard one omg. If I have to choose something I've already posted on ao3, then it'd probably be one of these three: (1) in Five Peggats Each, the passage I also described above regarding Anakin's fever as it relates to the jizz band & cantina in chapter 6; the passage I put in the fic summary for Every Shadow, but the full version of it as written in chapter 2, not the abridged version in the summary; and (3) the opening paragraph of What Dead Things See.

But but but imo -trembles with excitement (I've been dying to show this, folks, what a good opportunity)- none of those passages even hold a candle to this thing that poured out of my brain one sleepless night at 2am for some unposted/unfinished oneshot:

For a moment, when he was nine years old, Anakin thought himself to be a whore. In an effort to scrub the slave out of him, the temple healers had pumped him full of vaccines and medications and water and food. He'd been lying on a brand new bed in a brand new room and counting the speeders whose lights flashed across the wall. That's when the memory burned. If they want you for your strength, his anma said, then they won't squander a second of it. Your back will ache and your feet will throb before the very first sunset. But Anakin's back wasn't aching and his feet didn’t throb. If they want you for your mind, they'll test your skills and put you to work, and they'd tested him, yes, but not his ability to steer the yoke of a podracer at the drop of a pin, nor his ability to disassemble and reassemble any gadget known to sentient life. They'd only studied the gaps in his knowledge and he'd had none of the answers and he'd seen the pity in their gazes. And if they feed you, said his anma, if they let you rest in a bed and say they'll take care of you, then the first chance you get, you must run. As fast as you can, as hard as you can, even if they activate your bomb. Because some fates, my love, are worse than death. You must always be wise enough to know that.  And Anakin, well fed and well rested, hadn't wanted to run fast or run hard or detonate his bomb. Anakin hadn't wanted to escape this new place that sang of plenty and of love and of home. So he pushed himself to his feet and stumbled through the darkened shared quarters until he found his new master's bed. Clammy, feverish, and half-asleep, Anakin crawled under the covers and felt around for his master's trousers. Obi-Wan awoke in an instant.  That night, they found no rest at all—rather, hours of conversation while Anakin shivered on the couch huddled in afghans and quilts and comforters and tried to explain that, yes, he knew he was free and he knew he was safe and he knew all he had to say was a word and he'd be taken wherever else he wanted by whomever else he wanted and that, no, Obi-Wan had never said or done anything to suggest such a thing was wanted and that if he ever did going forward, Anakin would tell him straight away, and that, yes, he understood the difference between a master and a Master and that, no, he didn't need to use a different word—because Obi-Wan didn't yet know that there are some things you learn with your mind but other things you learn with your body, and that there's no actual function in the branding of a slave because the brand is already burnt into a slave's mind, as crisply and as permanently, as a molten pattern pressed to flesh. As he kneels before his Master, Anakin decides that Palpatine would have liked the gift of a nine-year-old groping beneath the bed sheets better. It would have saved them all a lot of time.

I will finish this one day... Have about 3 scenes written, and just need to write 1.5 scenes more. But the above part stands pretty well on its own so hopefully you all enjoyed! ^_^

[faelune-home]

FFXIVWrite 2023 #23: Suit

(A/n: I've written more twins than I have my own wol this month...ah well, my brain keeps going to them for ideas first whenver a prompt comes up.

anyway, set in vaguely earlyish EndW, during one of those training moments with Alphinaud testing his new skillset. there is one instance where you come across them both at a dummy doing that, but this could really happen at any time once he gets the job stone and they're in Sharlayan.

Word count: 549)

“Well, how does it feel so far?” Alisaie asked, sitting on the low wall outside the annex, watching her brother at work against the training dummy. The stuffed mannequin took another defenseless hit against the flying machines, swaying from the force before settling once more. The nouliths settled against his back, a surprising weight to them that almost made him lean back and stand up straighter, despite not even physically connecting to anything.

“It’s interesting, to say the least,” Alphinaud hummed thoughtfully, trying to think of the words to describe it, “The way that words and spells and movements seem to come to mind without even realising, or without the prior study or training. Was it like this when you took up red magic and gained your soul crystal?”

She shrugged.

“Near instant mastery in body and mind? I suppose in a way? Though even I had a mentor to help train me further and explain the nuances of it all. Unfortunately for you, you don’t quite have that available here,” she answered, grimacing.

“True. Though the way these crystals work, a mentor is just an additional aid to understanding. As it is, it's almost natural, despite how briefly I’ve had it now. The magicks that make these crystals work as they do truly is something extraordinary.” Still, his eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to the Rostra at the upper levels, overlooking the whole city. Alisaie followed his gaze, her grimace deepening.

“Mother said it used to be his. The crystal and the nouliths,” she said, “I can’t imagine it though. He’s so stuck in his ways about being against violence and combat, and I know it's a curative role, but it still seems so…unlike him.”

“Nay, I understand. I’m struggling to picture him like this at all,” Alphinaud replied, shaking his head.

“Even so, these weapons were his once, and the spells I weave were cast by him too in years before. Maybe even something penned by him as well. Even if we stand opposed now, perhaps there could come a time, when we can talk face to face again without any formalities, that he could teach me properly. There may be something I can’t just learn from the crystal or something I could be missing.” Alphinaud offered a small smile, mixed with both uncertainty and optimism.

“You’re rather hopeful,” Alisaie said, rolling her eyes, “Do you really think he would?” Despite her dismissive tone, there was a look in her eye, like she wanted to believe the same as her brother.

“Truthfully? …Truthfully, I have to believe that. To think that we may always stand opposed to one another as family is not something I’d wish to consider, even if it is the way of things right now,” he said, expression neutral once more.

He turned back to the dummy, freeing the weapons once more, ready to continue.

“Here,” Alisaie spoke up, standing straight again. She unsheathed her rapier, giving it a flourish for show, a smirk crossing her lips.

“Have a spar with me, see how it handles against a real person. Then you can patch us up after.” Alphinaud smiled at the suggestion, turning his attentions immediately to her. The nouliths flew, whistling through the air in amongst the crackle of electricity and magic.

[limabeans-babies-forthewin]

Interdimensional Crisis Pt 3

Hey! So! It's been awhile since I've updated this fic, hm? In my defense, I had like 3 massive events happen in my life within, like, a month. But this fic (and several others) have been rattling in my brain the entire time, so yeah!

Thanks to those of you who're reading! And if you don't want irregular updates, I'm more than likely going to combine them all into one. . . Really. . . Long. . . one shot? Who knows. Point is, it's going up on Ao3 when I'm done and you can read it there. With possible edits.

Thanks!

FIRST

Previous

The first thing that surprises Duck is the amount of security patrolling the streets, making them feel exposed even though they stick to the shadows and more abandoned locales. Overly armed guards loiter on every corner and stare at anything that moves for longer than Duck thinks is needed, eyes burning holes in every unlucky passerby that crosses their path. Cameras buzz and hiss as they rove and zoom in on everything they can. It’s honestly horrifying and reminds Duck of a particularly rough episode of a podcast they finished a while back. Being monitored and watched wasn’t something they worried about until that episode, but now they feel the anxiety sharply. They never really worried about being seen in their own universe given how everyone is so deeply involved in their own lives, so being surrounded by cameras and armed guards makes it feel like they’ve finally awakened that mutant instinct of fearing being seen.

A large hand closes around their wrist and Duck jumps as they’re dragged forward.

“Don’t stop moving,” Ronin hisses as he guides them around a corner. They hadn’t realized they had slowed. “If you stop too long, you’ll be seen. Keep your hood up, eyes down, and keep moving. Only stop when I tell you to.”

Duck nods and uses their free hand to tug their hood over their head, casting their attention to the ground they walk on as they speed up to level with the older turtle. So far, Duck has come to the conclusion that the best way to stay on Ronin’s good side is to stay quiet and follow instructions. So they do.

“Hold up.”

The short stop causes Duck to run into Ronin’s back, but he doesn’t even shift under the impact. Duck, however, rubs their face as their eyes water and attempt to peer around him. They’re barely allowed a glimpse of the pair of men passing by before Ronin shoves them back and pins them to the shadows against the wall behind him. He levels them with a brief look before he turns his attention back once again and waits. After the men move out of range, Ronin peels himself from the bricks and moves toward the manhole cover in the middle of the alley. He levers it open with ease and motions for Duck to follow, keeping his eyes on their surroundings as Duck climbs down into the sewers. Once their feet hit the ground, they take a few steps away from the ladder as Ronin clears them once again and follows them down, making sure the cover is secure before finishing his descent.

“How you feeling?” he asks once they’re safely away from prying eyes or ears. His tone is softer and teeters more on the edge of how Draxum used to behave when they first met. Almost awkward as he tests the waters of politeness after an initial rough period. “Still cold? Nauseous?”

Duck shakes their head. Then hesitates and waves a hand in a ‘so-so’ motion. “I have a headache,” they admit. “And I’m a little tired. But other than that, I’m pretty alright. You know, all things considered.”

Ronin looks at them for a long moment and for that moment, Duck feels like they did when they first met Donnie. Almost like they’re being studied or observed so their reactions can be stored away and referred to later. It’s fine, though. They’re used to being watched since they’re extremely young and fairly freshly mutated. Everyone wants to make sure they’re coping with sentience in a healthy manner they suppose. Which is great because sometimes they aren’t. Like right now.

In their defense, they have just been forcibly ejected from their own dimension, punched by a turtle over two feet taller than they are, and they’re pretty sure they were yanked between universes without eating dinner, so they’re very hungry. But they still find themself instinctively smiling to try to hide most of what they’re feeling. Why? Who knows.

It seems useless against Ronin, though, since his eyes narrow suspiciously. “Your lip is bleeding.”

Duck swipes a thumb under their mouth and frowns when it comes back red and wet. They hum and swipe their hand down the side of their pants. “You hit me in the face,” they counter.

Ronin’s expression softens further and he frowns in displeasure.

"I’m just saying. People usually bleed when you hit them in the face. There are a lot of veins and shit in the head area.”

“I know,” he says, turning around and heading into the sewers proper. “Sorry.”

Duck hurries to keep up and tugs his jacket tighter around their shoulders. Much like in their own dimension, the sewers are colder than aboveground. So when it’s already cold in the upper world, it’s freezing below. And it’s basically freezing up there, so who knows how cold it’s going to get down here.  

“Don’t worry about it, big man,” they say as they level off with him. “Instincts and whatnot. If it makes you feel better, I don’t think I’m going to have any more issues.”

“Good to know. And I’ll try not to hit you again if you do.”

It takes Duck a moment to realize the turtle made a joke and they bark a laugh when they do. If it were one of their brothers, they would take the opportunity to nudge him with their shoulder, or violently shove Leo, for the offense. But they don’t know if Ronin would be ok with that level of familiarity. So instead, they stick to the laugh and a friendly eye roll. “I can’t even say I’d fight you if you did,” they relent. “I’ve been told I’m basically incapable of doing anything that requires physical activity.”

This time it’s Ronin that snorts a laugh. “Really?”

Duck feels themself smile and nod. “Sadly, yes. I’ve tried parkour, karate, whatever the hell Lou Jitsu does, weapons training. All of it—” They blow a raspberry for emphasis. “So we’ve discovered I’m better at fleeing and hiding. At least for the moment. Allegedly there’s still hope for me in the future.”

“A true warrior knows when to beat a hasty retreat. Plus you do seem. . .”

He trails off in a way that makes Duck glance up at him. “Are you trying not to insult me? Because you can call me weak or small or fragile and it’s not gonna hurt my feelings. I mean, honestly, look at me.” They spread their arms wide and motion to themself for emphasis. “Not exactly battle ready.” Once the gesture is made, Duck quickly huddles back into the jacket.

A faint smile settles on Ronin’s face as they make their way through the tunnels. “I’ll say. I almost thought I killed you when I hit you.”

“Hilarious. My jaw still hurts.”

“I didn’t hit you to make you feel good, kid.”

The pair share a few seconds of laughter and Duck finally feels the rest of their tension ease from their shoulders. This is more like a turtle they would know personally. Friendly, jovial, almost younger than he actually is. Based on appearance alone, Duck would have to assume that this turtle was at least in his thirties or forties, if not older given the amount of lines, scars, and spots that litter his head and face. There’s bound to be more under his clothes, not that Duck is itching to see this guy strip. But they won’t deny they’re curious about the limp they’re starting to notice now that they’re examining him. It ages him in an unfamiliar way that doesn’t scream ‘turtle’ to them. Yes, they know everyone is bound to age and at least one of their boys will probably develop a limp given the nature of their whole situation. But seeing it happen now. . .

Plus he has a seriousness about him that’s utterly confusing to them. Yes, Duck is well aware that sometimes you can’t joke your way out of a situation, and they have seen all of their brothers turn off the humor for brief periods to accomplish something. But everyone was always quick to revert back to laughter and joviality to ease the tension once the occasion passed. But Ronin has a gravity that just hangs over his shoulders like a cape. It’s almost unsettling, but they’re more than willing to overlook it since he was clearly wary about them for good reason. Besides, they can’t honestly expect their own brothers to remain so lighthearted as they get older, can they?

Well, maybe Mikey could pull off being optimistic and happy all the time. They honestly can’t picture him serious about anything beyond when he summons Dr. Delicate Touch.  

“Didn’t your parents ever teach you starin’ is rude?”

Duck snaps their gaze back toward the dimmed tunnels ahead of them. “Sorry,” they say. They hear the nervous laughter pick at the edges of their voice and they cringe, clearing their throat and shaking their head to steady themself against the embarrassment that comes from being caught. “I didn’t realize I was. Sorry.”

Ronin shrugs. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “You’re going through a lot. Staring is an expected reaction.”

A surprised laugh pushes itself from Duck’s core and they nod. “You’re fucking telling me. I’m practically vibrating with. . . Everything!” They hold up their hand and laugh again when they confirm that they are, in fact, shaking. “Look!”

“Are you shaking from adrenaline, or are you shaking because you’re horrifically underdressed for this weather?”

The question catches them off guard, but the fact that they can see their breath curl in a cloud around their head speaks for itself. They quickly withdraw their hand and tuck it into the sleeve of the jacket. “Probably both.”

“Fair enough. It should be warmer in the lair, and I’ll see if we have any tea left so you don’t catch a cold.”

Duck nods. “And can I get some water, please?”

“Of course kid. . . Oh. By the way, when we get to the lair, cool it with the swearing, ok? I don’t want the kids to pick it up.”             “Of course, of course. . .” It takes them far too long to pick up on surprise number two. “Wait. The what?”

NEXT

[easierreadthandone4711]

Days Off

"...but all I ever took away from therapy was a somewhat clearer understanding of how messed up I was." - John Moe, The Hilarious World of Depression

I had expectations for my days off. The work week didn't end badly, even though a co worker of mine left a nasty taste in my mouth after speaking poorly about my work ethic to another co worker. The work load was easy and I was able to get a lot of reading done.

The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls has me triggered and infuriated. I won't spoil books here but when I say the parents have me feeling some type of way...smh. Its been a great read though and I can safely say my oldest is also my literary twin.

I haven't mentioned her yet but I made a new friend here in Nantucket, she works with me currently and has been such a godsend for me. I'm not even sure she realizes how vital her taking me under her wing has been. For my first day off I woke up early with an optimistic attitude and ready to get things done. The front desk was finally having someone come fix the heater after days of freezing at night - while he was fixing I planned to go to the store to grab laundry necessities and food for the upcoming week. I would return and go to the gym, update my blog and get some studying done.

Ten AM came and went with no maintenance man in sight so I called the front desk and asked them if I needed to be here while he fixed it, they said no. I was only slightly annoyed that I was beginning my day later than I had planned but, shxt happens and I still had the whole day ahead of me so no big deal - nothing is fucked.

The prices out here are crazy and every grab off the shelves made me sick thinking about the total cost going up. Shockingly, the laundry items were cheaper than I expected and I was grateful for it. Typically, I don't purchase items like that at grocery stores, as the cost is much higher.

When I returned, the heater was fixed and I filled up my mini fridge. Things were moving swimmingly until I realized I did not have a working battery for one of my devices. I managed to find a store with a cheap one thankfully - but there those dollar signs were again. I do want to clarify that I am not in a pinching pennies situation, however, as a government employee, the shutdown would effect my paycheck and to make sure all will continue being taken care of, I've been extra cautious about spending.

Unfortunately, all of this pushed into what would have been my gym time and I moved onto the next items on the list that I needed to take care of. I cracked open a black berry cider, made some turkey sliders and popped open my work laptop to finish enrolling myself and my kiddos onto my insurance.

There it was, an email stating I owe a very unexpected amount to the travel card issued by work. I gathered all of the statement/payment records and the notebook where I keep track of all my purchases and payments.

**Side note - there's a store in Boston called Muji and it was like stationary heaven to me. Other writers get it. Pens, planners, and these notebooks that hit like butter to my brain and I just cannot get enough. I have about a dozen of their notebooks, I would have more but I gifted my children and a couple friends with one their own. Giving the gift of a space for their thoughts <3 Just to reiterate, Muji, in Boston, chefs kiss.

**continuing..

I realized that when I made the discovery of these notebooks, I transferred over my bills/finances from old spiral notebook of lesser quality. Best decision ever, or so I thought. Normally I make sure to copy all the past entries so that I have no need to refer back to the old books but for whatever reason I did not do that this time. I was shxt out of luck and I was not going to be able to cross check my records with theirs. Its fine, I assured myself, just another change in plans today, I am going to audit the bit myself from day one, starting from May 24th. The new notebook begins in August so I figured, easy peezy. All is well, nothing is fxcked and I'll figure it out.

I finished out May and June expenses and prepared myself to compare mine to theirs - except, when I went to do so, I see that the earliest payment was in early July and I paid a couple hundred short of the actual amount I should have paid. There it was, the beginning of my spiral.

What did I do? How did I miss that many expenses when I reviewed them in June? How could I be that stupid? This is basic fxcking math - you fuxcking idiot. There you going being the cause of your bullshxt again. What were you thinking?! I can only imagine what the rest of the months look like. You probably owe the whole amount and more you fxcking idiot. How do you expect to make the next move for the kids if you can't even get your fxcking math right?! Math they could do. You call yourself a mother. You're just one fxck up after the other. It sickening the way they deserve better and they ended up with you.

Writing this out is troublesome because I sound really mean to myself. Sounds like a lot but in that moment, the glimmer of light I had began the day with was gone and I was once again the worthless waste of space again that can't do anything right.

I made a payment towards the card, closed my laptop, shut the lights off and turned on a random movie on Netflix. I sank into my bed telling myself it was okay and I'd be able to figure this out, Afterall, I've been through much worse than this, right? The gentle voice that I'd been working on was backed into a corner, the winds from the spiral holding her down. Numbers and images of the kids swirling around, slapping her around and making sure she stayed down, quiet. No, you don't get to talk yourself up for this one, stupid. So fxcking undeserving. You have one job and you're failing.

The movie came and went, unamused, I clicked play for the next distraction to begin. Didn't make it to the gym, didn't read, didn't blog... more than half my day gone, wasted. It brought me even lower. A few silent tears made their way to my pillow case, in those moments I focused even harder on the movies. This shapeless, colorless, invisible feeling was pulling me down deeper and deeper.

A knock at the door came, it was my new friend. She said she wanted to check on me before going to her room. I hadn't mentioned to her how I was feeling but in that moment, it didn't matter how she knew, I was being pulled back up for air and I wasn't going to fight it. I explained a little bit about the email and my discovery. She said, "you hungry?" I said yes and she gave me 30 minutes to get ready.

Dinner was nice, we spoke about football and the food in front of us. We remained present in that moment and that allowed my gentler self to get up and say it once more, it's going to be okay.

Depression doesn't work that way though, does it? As the book calls us "saddies", y'all get it, the saddies get it.

I played trivia with my babies until I couldn't see my phone screen straight anymore and then I fell asleep, hard. I'm not sure what startled me up this morning but I knew it was going to be a day of convincing myself to get out of bed. Don't worry, I made it out - lucky for me, feeling my body fat rolling around in bed is enough to disgust myself and I got up to prep for the gym. But first, my coffee.

While sipping on my coffee and scrolling through the social scene, I ran into memory lane. A video of my oldest saying good bye to her little brother, it was the first day of kinder. From behind the camera, I ask her if she's going to miss her brother - its quick and easy to miss, but I spotted it just then. A breath in, glossy eyed and a clenched jaw you can barely see because her cheeks are so round, a breath out, she nods and says "yeah". Her little brother looks to her with puckered fish lips for a kiss and they say good bye. The video ends there but the memory continues to play out...hand in hand, we begin walking towards her classroom. I ask her if she's ready, her expression scrunches into her serious face and her hand goes a little tighter. "Yes." she says it with conviction. I ask her if she's nervous, the scrunch gets tighter, so does her little hand. "No." I said okay, and gave promises of a fun day. I knew she was nervous, I could see the battle being fought in her eyes. She fought hard to keep that courage on her face and I wasn't going to let her know that I knew it was all a facade. I would never let her know that she didn't really succeed in hiding her fears, she needed to know she won that battle so that she would feel ready to take on what was up ahead. I held my own tears back that day because I needed her to know that I knew she had everything she needed to win that day. My tears would singlehandedly ensure that we would both lose the inner battles.

There was no gym today. I gave myself some grace and rested from the battle I have been fighting for so long. The wars that go for years hit different you know? My babies are strong for me, and I have to be too, for them. So this entry is serving as evidence I did SOMETHING today, even if it was more for healing purposes than productivity.

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[sugarplanet]

Instantly Overcome Hating Your Art and Stop Wasting Your Time In 3 Easy Steps

Throughout the fall, I've hit the proverbial reset button a few times hoping to start with a clean slate or the right foot in progressing my career and just being better at art. Still, it's easy to hit a plateau when you get wrapped up into one thing and neglect your portfolio, your idea moleskin, or your twitter (though I don't really want much to do with that last one these days). Despite the tone of this post so far, I can at least tell you that it's much better now than it was three or four years ago. One time, I'd stopped posting or drawing or speaking to people an entire year and it did no favors to my self-esteem or my muscle memory. Now, when I smack face first into a wall or feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, I have tools to react, retract, and reflect before I do something harmful, like impulsively ghost everyone or stop going to work. Here's some directions to get back on track:

1: Stop

If you find yourself saying mean things about your own art or feel like you're about to throw your painting against the wall or see something so beautiful on social media immediately followed by a train of people who have tons in milage/talent/popularity on you then you're going to have to press the pause button. Immediately stop whatever you're doing and take a deep breath. You'll have to build some serious discipline to do it but it's an invaluable skill to be able to cut off intrusive or harmful thoughts before they can stew and fog your brain any further. Go take a break and come back to your craft or task and after you've given energy to something else for a little while, you'll find you have more energy than before.

2: Turn Around

I find it a huge help to go over the basics (a lot) as a refresher regularly as when you take on something really complex you can get easily overwhelmed if your skill or tolerance for perspective and doing lineart by hand isn't seasoned enough. This is where going through the fundamentals or at least better researching your topic can help you troubleshoot the WHY and WHAT going on. If you're trying to draw a landscape from your imagination or with other art as a reference, you're going to need to do some thumbnails. If you need tigers or rhinos, go do some tracing and then some studies. If you can, try working on a different medium than what you were working with before; that bit of separation is going to help keep you from burning out again too fast and create some interest as well ("oooh color pencils, how exciting!") BONUS: Avoid doom scrolling through other artists! You'll want to save observation purely for intentional style studies rather than get stuck in the trap of comparing yourself to everyone.

3: Go Back

You'll have to go back at some point, especially if it's for your day job or for a client... But before you do, make sure you can check these off: > Feel better emotionally > More energized/inspired to take this on > Have a viable solution to my problem > Am proud of self and my work and don't think I suck If you can, great! Take it from the top. If not, maybe you need a little more rest (if you're still struggling emotionally) or maybe you need some more practice (if you're not satisfied with your solution yet). Repeating this process enough times will also help you bounce back from break-downs, burnouts, and blocks a lot quicker. I promise; if I can sit here and write this long, then you can absolutely make great things happen for yourself. :)

[gurggggleburgle]

me experiencing peak lie down and die depression post having my car towed while christmas shopping and getting caught in a rainstorm where nobody who could come get me could even hear me over the phone for hours, getting an immediate rejection 30 minutes after having the first interview I'd manage to get since september for a job actually in a field of study, feeling like shit, getting my work hours cut down for the week, unable to pay rent, afraid of how I'm paying any bills this month as i have to avoid the construction workers at home because 1 started hitting on me and that really fucking freaked me out, being nauseous for 4 days in a row and eating cold leftovers because we don't have a microwave:

okay but consider binghe having an existential crisis when puberty actually starts hitting him and he's like 'oh no. what if shizun stops giving me head pats because i stop being small and cute. Shizun only ever gives headpats also to Ning YingYing. Shijie is cute and small and right now I am also cute and small...'

And then Binghe spends a good 3 hrs of circle big brain logic going 'if cute and small = heapats and affection than i must avoid full puberty at all cost! Otherwise Shizun won't love me anymore!!!!!!!!!'

Meng Mo in the corner being like 'you need so much therapy. It's puberty kid, what do you plan to do? Halt the aging process???'

And without an ounce of humor our boy looks to the camera and goes 'yes. yes i am. In fact, I'll do one better. I will reverse it.'

Meng Mo 'there are layers to this, kid. Layers that I just don't have the spoons for. Get help'

meanwhile Shen Yuan is just eating snacks and talking with Liu Qingge about monsters and shit when he hears something very loud in the other room and the two look to the door and go, "you're not going to check on that?'

'oh, Binghe's fine. He's probably just working on some little harmless project of his.'

Binghe is crying and throwing himself against the wall because he sees the start of facial hair, 'i'm a monster! A horrible hideous monster!!!'

"You sure you don't wanna look?"

"Fine. But i bet it's nothing."

Running crying into his cucumber man's arms, "SHIZUNNNNN. i"M HIDDDDDDDEEEOOEOUSUSUSUSUUSUSU!!!!!!!! *CRY FACE* CRY FACE*"

"What?"

"Look at my faceeeeeeeeeee! I've got horrible hair. I'm no longer beautiful.'

Liu Qingge is trying not to laugh. Looking at the baby whisp of a hair, "i'm sorry, but i don't get it? You look fine.'

'Huh?'

'Binghe looks fine. In fact, it means-' looking to Qingge for advice and getting nothing, 'it means you're becoming a man! How wonderous. And you know a mustache and beard can become fine distinguishing features for one's face. So cheer up. you still look as fine and wonderful as ever.' Headpat

'Shizun means it?'

"Of course, you silly thing.'

"this disciple understands and will do his best.'

Shizun staring into the middle distance wondering wtf that means. Binghe then proceeds to grow a full stache and beard with his baby face that looks awful and upsets everyone and one day over tea Liu Qingge looks him in the eyes and says 'you need to fix that.'

"I KNOW!!!!'

[anotherghoul666]

12, 18, 37! I hope you're having a good night!

Hi Trouble!! ❤️❤️ Thank you for the ask!

12. Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Yes. Multiple times. Because of a variety of reasons. I recall having done that a good handful of times in my university years, especially during exam weeks and finals. I'd have a normal day then stay up to study, then loose track of time, spend overnight at the library, ride out the fatigue-induced delirium by watching the sunrise at the top of the hill my university was on, overlooking the city, listening to 70s prog rock and crying, then walk into one more day of exams, do my whole day, hit my second wind and be unable to sleep after that XD I've also had to do that a few times in the past few years. Isomnia is a thing. I work night shifts but sometimes I have to flip myself on a day shift for formations or meetings or family activities or trips so 30-ish hours is something semi-usual for me. When I got covid last summer I coughed so much I was completely unable to sleep for almost three days until my pharmacist found a syrup that finally stopped my coughing spasm and then I slept for an entire 24 hours at once to recover. It happens XD

18. Are you scared of spiders? So. On one hand spiders fascinate me. I like the concept of the creature. I think they look rad. I like them in theory. In practice, it's the skittering man. I can't deal with how fast they walk and how they crawl up walls, I feel spiders outsmart us humans routinely and it makes me uncomfortable to see them walk. That's probably a very primitive, lizard brain response that I haven't been able to outgrow yet. Spiders skittering spike my adrenaline. I like spiders outside of my house, I love them in nature, I watch them make their webs and shit and they're such architects, I'd never hurt one in nature. But I feel like, dude, if you're INSIDE MY HOME you're tresspassing and I have a right to defend myself and my people / pets, you know? XD

37. Is it easier to forgive or forget? Oooooh hitting with the deep shit are we! I like this! I feel like both are difficult for me. My neurodivergent brain registers and preserves strong painful moments in my life like an archive, like a damn museum. If a situation or a person ellicits a strong negative emotion in me, it's like a mark, it will stay there forever. I can recall entire conversations word for word from years and years back, from when I was a kid even, and it blows people's minds how accurate my memory is. I wish I could uninstall that function honestly, or have that level of memory for positive things at least, but I don't. Positive moments I have to actively produce physical memories from like pictures and videos or else I will 100% forget about them. I don't know which kind of trauma response that is, but that's how my brain functions and I gotta deal with it XD So like, I don't forget. I can make myself not think of the thing, I can think of other stuff, it's not like every negative memory I've ever had pops out in my mind constantly otherwise I would not function. But the archive is always there and it's pristine. On the other hand, I'm also a person that's sometimes fueled by spite and I motivate myself via anger lots. I am a spiteful motherfucker, I hold grudges. I've put a lot of work into deconstructing the anger in therapy over the years, but part of it is also to accept that this is how I am and it's ok. I vibe with acceptance therapy a lot. So. I hold on to grudges. It's weirdly comfortable. It's a comfort zone to begrudge. Sometimes I just don't want to forgive cause I loose the fire and the motivation to do better or maintain distance with someone toxic. I have boundaries, but what gives me the strength to hold them up proudly and say, no more, never doing that again / letting someone do that to me again, it's the grudge sometimes. Forgiveness is a strange beast. I'll forgive when the anger doesn't serve me anymore. I forgive once I'm done using something as fuel, once it drains more evergy than it provides. I don't forgive for others, I forgive for myself, and that's a process that's not the easiest. tl;dr they're both hard as fuck for me XD woops!

Those were super interesting to jump into, thanks Trouble! :D

[skruffie]

thought dump on burnout and creative recovery

I really underestimated how long it would take to recover my creativity after getting burnt out. A job I spent like two and a half years doing caused enough damage to my mental and emotional stamina that it made me a complete stranger, and in the last couple years since quitting I've done A LOT of recovering... and my drive for drawing and art is like

????????

it's there, and it's not

Joining a TTRPG group helped a lot. I went from being legitimately afraid I'd never draw again to suddenly drawing in quick bursts. My quick bursts are kind of the new rhythm I have now and as a sort of physical reminder I bring my sketchbook and other drawing supplies with me to work almost every day. Do I draw every day? Absolutely not. Knowing I have them within reach though is somehow almost enough.

The other day I was just doing some experimenting with my colored pencils trying to see, with how pigmented Prismacolor pencils are, how deep of a skintone I could blend. Focusing on just thinking about the color process, picking the pencils, blending them, trying to do a classic shaded sphere somehow has my artistic brain unlocked and I wonder if this is what's been lacking. My short bursts of drawing over the last couple years is because I've been trying to approach it like how I used to before I burnt out. Trying to just draw without worrying about perfection or anything hasn't quite been the fix. I'm too stiff, too fixed on the muscle memory of knowing how to draw but it not looking right.

The other night I found myself in a deep dive of those old school how to draw manga books that I think are a rite of passage for any young artist at a certain point. I found them on the internet archive and spent a bit flipping through them and remembering the feeling of awe and inspiration I had over twenty years ago when I first read them. I've been watching youtube videos on digital coloring--not because I don't know how, but it's because like.... I have the steps, I have my usual process, but there's still this brain-hand disconnect where it almost feels like I forgot how to do it all. Color studies, going back to basics, I think maybe these are the breadcrumbs I've been needing. The color studies especially somehow were engaging a more neglected part of my creativity.

When I was drawing a lot more frequently, a lot of my daydreaming when not drawing was spent imagining my environment like I was working on an illustration of it in photoshop. I'd see how light would be bouncing off of a surface or following the lines of a blanket or something, and then picturing that on a digital canvas with my layers menu off to the side. I had a constant imaginary workspace in my head where I'd been going through all the layer functions and the color picker and futzing with the brush settings to imagine how I'd get the texture of that surface to look just right. I don't daydream like this much anymore but I don't know when I stopped.

I have several unfinished drawings I've started over the last several months but there's a wall I hit at a certain point. On one, I'm almost done with the lineart and then I got stuck figuring out how I wanted to color it. On the others, I have the lines and flat colors down but shading them have been difficult. A night or two ago I was struggling to start a digital painting and tonight I finally did start it and so far there hasn't really been any hiccups there. My sketchbook has a ton of really static 3/4 view headshots; drawings just for the sake of drawing. Sometimes I've enjoyed it. Sometimes I've drawn just to remind myself that I do in fact remember how to. This is a weird state to be in.

I have no idea if I'm burnt out still, if this is just how it is now, if I'm going to have that same freeflowing creativity and motivation, if this is the thing the adults around me meant when they would say things like "Yeah I used to draw a lot too, but I just got busy with life and stopped". I'm not really scared that I've lost it forever but I'm just not sure how to navigate this new territory with my artwork.

[terzomega]

aight i guess i'm either blocked or legally not allowed to reblog that post again but we stay silly. in case they see this. hello

girl not the condescending tone just cause you're older ? a very narrow view of something as fluid as language...... i've been studying languages and how they form and grow for almost a decade between high school and university. not this. also you're like around my mom's age. language doesn't change so much in the span of 20/30 years that it'd make us disagree over what words mean ?? and while asking mom if back in her day vaffanculo had homophobic undertones was an exhilarating experience. of course she said "no i never considered it like that nor did anyone i've ever known" + very funny implications that only mlm couples can do anal to begin with ?? jskdkwkf

and for the records. age aside. sono terrona. stuff from veneto might obviously sound off to me. so yeah of course i compared notes before reblogging cause i'd hate to give incorrect information based on my specific location. i talked to friends from emilia-romagna & roma & liguria before even reblogging. one of my best friends is from veneto. they (and their parents, at least those who got involved) all agreed or else i wouldn't have replied at all. i don't need to ADMIT what vaffanculo means???? it just ??? has nothing to do ?? w anything ??? mostly it just feels batshit to me to put this connotation in the forefront of the brains of people who don't know the language and are learning words and phrases from you. it feels batshit to have them think that this has any relevance irl.

the sei pieno di merda bit truly baffles me cause everyone i talked to is confused and the emilia-romagna friend was actively as annoyed as me. the reviews say that at MOST they'd hear it used regarding criminally threathening implications abt stuff and Not to mean shit as in lie the way it's used in english

and sure i guess you don't call yourself an absolute authority but people come to you and ask you stuff as such. so it's insane to me i couldn'f fathom not making sure that what i'm saying applies to the language at large and not to my area. i don't answer in my dialect when people ask me to translate something from english to italian ?? and since as i said language has been a central part of my life for almost half of it this drives me up the wall. this gets a reaction from me. not that i was going for your jugular anyway. but i guess tumblr posts can be read however someone wants and i guess they hit people differently. @foxybouquet