#and when I brought this up to my mom

[queenofthefaces]

My mom knew I was autistic when I was like 3. And never told me. She thought I was just fine—I did well in school, I had friends. It wasn’t until I was 17 and doing research on a psych assignment that I realized there may be an explanation for why I am the way I am. And she just. Always fucking knew.

Not knowing I was autistic led to me developing so many neuroses, toxic habits, and harmful self beliefs because I had no other explanation aside from me just being broken. I’m still trying desperately to undo the ways I harshly self-policed and self-shamed because I didn’t understand why I was different. If someone had just told me that certain things would be harder for me, I’d be able to cope with them without blaming myself as much.

It took me until I was like 16 to actually unpack that I’m not an inherently evil, cruel, mean person. For my whole life, I was a child who had no other explanation for why I kept hurting people but to conclude I must be rotten inside. I didn’t deserve to be upset, sad, or lonely when I was so mean and so privileged.

I remember telling my mom I put so much pressure on myself to be Mature and Smart and Put Together because that’s what I felt was expected of me, and she goes on this whole tangent asking whether she made me feel that way. And it’s like? Yes, but no. She didn’t directly say these things, but I didn’t have any other guide for how to behave except to hold myself to the incredibly high standards I believed others had for me. I didn’t let myself fail because I defined myself by my achievements and by how others saw me as a mini Sheldon cooper.

And I just wonder if whether I’d feel as disconnected from myself and from other people if I just knew

Not to sound like a person who actually cares about children, but it's so alarming that there's this tendency and trend of not telling kids about their medical conditions that are in their charts.

I'm finding out as an adult that they (though it's not documented who) diagnosed me with a life-long, chronic condition without telling me when I was a teenager. I found out recently when I got curious about my medical charts, and otherwise, I would not have known what's wrong with me. I've been left with more questions than answers, and I feel like a private investigator investigating my own damn health and life.

Is this medical malpractice? Yes. However, I think it also speaks to a broader point of how children are seen to not be entitled to their own lives in any capacity, to the point where they are (intentionally or not) made ignorant about things that are or will affect them.

[mudpuddless]

AU where Obi-wan is Can Drallig's illegitimate son except of course everyone knows and no one cares except for qui-gon of course.

based on this post by @twinterrors29

[dearmyloveleys]

I’ve watched so many xianxia/wuxia cdramas about heroes but none quite embody a hero as much as I find Zhuo Yichen to be. If Ep25’s conversation between him and Lilun about hatred and how you allow it to consume you hasn’t convinced you, Ep26 cements this. He is so truly selfless, a great martial artist, puts the good of people first, and most importantly he learns. He is not without flaws, but he accepts the faults in his worldview without resistance. Even when his greatest nightmare of turning into a demon comes true, he accepts it albeit with pain and grace. He never falls into self-pity and hatred to the point that it blinds him (unlike Lilun), even when the world he protects curses him and gives him more than enough reasons to. He forgives the demon who killed his family, because he learns.

His sacrifice in Ep26 means so much to his character — recognising that Zhuyan shouldn’t have needed to pay for things beyond his control, coming face to face with his heritage and dying for it so he can save everyone, willingly letting go of the sword he once only wielded for vengeance and asking for it to turn into a weapon of saving grace (to rescue Baijiu). And he does all these with nothing but an embracing acceptance and reasonable tears. Yichen never once calls himself a hero, but I find that he is one of the greatest to have graced the cdrama screen.

[pcktknife]

it's funny how u can do/like something as a kid and then 15 years later ur family will still think of you like that

[possamble]

What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.

so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.

Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:

She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent

Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married

She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came

She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays

She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home

Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)

She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words

the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.

She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)

Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues

She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)

She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).

She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)

She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.

She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food

(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:

She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it

seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)

slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)

(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))

However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.

Subsequent conclusions about her personality:

Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).

Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:

Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.

Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?

Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:

It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:

Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.

We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.

It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.

It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.

"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).

And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?

Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?

I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:

copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.

It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.

But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.

What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."

Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.

All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)

There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.

but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.

(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)

[kazoosandfannypacks]

This holiday season, I am BEGGING you guys to be aware of and kind to the guests at your house who are afraid of /uncomfortable around / allergic to animals.

[cryingincrocs]

something about being hopelessly devoted...

I realized last night that I've been watching Stranger Things since 2016 yet never drew fanart for it?? Ever??? so in a haze I threw this together very simple but it got the worm out (for now)

[queenlua]

The crisis of the last year with student protests has made even the richest institutions aware of how much of their presumed wealth can be yanked away from them by a donor class who are increasingly inclined to exert their influence and authority in openly oligarchic ways. The obsession with safety—and the contradictions of that obsession—is as much about financial management as anything else. But that also is a wider sociocultural formation: the American upper middle-class is generally an asset class now who think about safety in the same way as universities both because all institutions with asset-based wealth have to and because they personally have to safeguard their assets in the same fashion, and face some of the same risks from liability exposure. [. . .] Moving away from the caretaker era can’t just be a matter of exposing students to risk and dismantling systems that make safety the mandatory product of an intrusive regime of surveillance and correction. If the people in charge inside the university and outside of it aren’t equally exposed to the natural consequences of their actions and decisions, all this means is forcefully communicating to students—or perhaps all young people—their relative powerlessness and vulnerability. It means deciding that the lesson you really want to teach is that it’s bad to be powerless and thus you should strive in life for power and wealth in order to be beyond consequences. Arguably, if the caretaker era and the bystander era were both aligned with a wider social ideology that was broadly shared across a generation, then this in fact the new ethos of our time—that there is no safety but in power, and that where power believes people are not being sufficiently punished for the things that power disdains, it will find a way to make consequences where there have been none.

bleak essay that nonetheless collects a lot of idle thoughts i've had in one place & puts them together with more coherence than i've ever managed

[skunkes]

antidepressants have saved my life but in the way that my dad was put on them earlier this year before i was and he's an entirely different person neow. several years of it being a coin toss as to whether the house was going to have a sinister energy on any given day, undone in a few weeks and once again resembling the person i was most attached to as a child

[meyerlansky]

ENORMOUS pet peeve: people phrasing requests/instructions as a "do you want to x" question

i get that it's supposed to be a softening of the demand but the answer to that question is no, i DON'T want to clean my room. i DON'T want to digitize that box. i DON'T want to sit on a train for two hours to visit the hometown i fucking hate. why don't YOU be upfront about what YOU want from me instead of trying to inception me into thinking your desires were my idea or whatever

[therewillbenoromance]

i can't do shit without my brother trying to tell on me can i

[thanatologie]

everything about manfred makes so much more sense - his actions, his collecting weird shit - when you realize he's not a wisp in a skeleton, he's a five year old child.

[baura-bear]

i love autism because it means i get to email back and forth about wwii media with my grandpa and that i convinced my mom and her bf to watch masters of the air. (we're gonna watch bofb together over the holidays)

[tomaturtles]

Having a Fairly Oddparents: A New Wish watch party with old friends today 🥹

[bookishjules]

"you don't need a diagnosis. it won't change anything" maybe not.. but it sure would be nice to know that the things i've been struggling with my whole life are less indicative of me being a bad person and more a symptom of the particular layout of my personal mental jungle gym

[flamesignite]

"There are some nice people in this world." He totally got a free coffee from an old man earlier. Now he's back with snacks and some food to cook for tonight and yes he's cooking a nice dinner.