#and well. its still killing me i really wish i didnt have to deal with this shit but what can you do yknow

[andiaquarium-moved]

going to be vulnerable for a second here. straight up i still dont know how to deal with being a grooming victim

[reeniecon]

- Adrian pflatzgraaf -

" You smell really nice "

Disclaimer : maybe lil bit to ooc because I just read the manwha and not the novel just yet, soo and also this is not proof read. You're hilda/having the same role as Hilda ig.

_____________________-+-_____________________

Yeah, waking up with a not so good pillow are already make u felt tired, not to mention that u have to deal with your deadly master... Um pretty deadly master... Well as usual u go by your routine make your bed showering and the times come.

The time that u have to give your master his medicine.

god u wish u we're not there... Not to mention the not-so-pleasing activity that he do last night.

'How should i greet him.. ' u thought of yourself afraid he might hear it, after a quite long time standing by his door u get urself together and knock his door.

" Come in" He say with his usual tone.

"Young master, this is your Medicine for today"

Without Hesitation he walk over you and take the medicine.

While maintaining eye contact.

And he say " Are you still afraid... Of me (Name)? " His eyes softeing while maintaining eye contact.

" No young master why would i, that-" You respond but got cut by his Teriffiyingly gentle voice

" Are u gonna leave me too? " With a step forward Adrian got closer to you only an inch left till u crash into each other, u try to take a step back but met met with his hand on your waist.

"(Name)" He calls out

[Adrian feeling a lil bit bedtrayed by user]

" YOUNG MASTER PLEASE" you screamed

" IF U GET THIS CLOSE I MIGHT GET MAD"

He look at you with pure confuse

" YOUR YOUR YOU SMELL REALLY NICE MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY, SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME! "

you continue to yap at him, ofcourse this is not true. Half of it... There is a lot of reason why u didnt want to get close to him. Ofc

He is a serial killer

He is a serial killer with a Majestic face

He kill

I repeat HE KILL

And atm he is Litterely an inch away from you.

God knows why.

He looks at your statement Flabbergasted.

" Uh, what? "

You continue how u like his smell because bla bla bla, and its to late to come back and all u can do is regret what have u done.

_____________________-+-_____________________

An: I get this scene from the manwha lol. (Its so funny tbh u should read it)

[adidegmez]

spn s12 spoilers

s12 ep1(keep calm and carry on)

33 years. Sam was 21 and Dean was 25 when all this started, time passed so quickly. toni might be right. it would be a good thing. but some monsters deserve to live like garth or benny(he is dead but he was a good vampire). so i dont know. wow cas is violent. they hit baby. dean will kill them. There's a lot going on but Dean and Cas pushing the car seemed funny to me, idk.

s12 ep2(mamma mia)

sam, he is telling everything to toni. mary is right to be afraid. yes everything happened beacause she made a deal with the yellow-eyed demon but if she wouldnt have done that then sam and dean wouldnt have been alive. so i am not mad at her not so much at least. what does lucifer want? dean and pie one of my favorite duos. crowley ran. i hope winchesters can be happy i always wish this but its usually dont happen so…

s12 ep3(the foundry)

family hunting trip. i love winchesters. Dean got his taste in music and food from Mary. agent beyonce and agent jay z:) . an angel and a demon i love them. okay i feel sorry for mary but she just left them. i hope she'd stay dead, then all of them would be happy. Dean and Sam had gotten over it. Mary was happy in heaven. Now Mary misses her family in heaven, so she leaves Dean and Sam heartbroken. Maybe they would be happier if Darkness brought Bobby back. Or Charlie (I still haven't gotten over his death, I'm still in denial).

s12 ep4(american nightmare)

the early seasons. i miss it. things were more simple. winchesters are gods(chucks) besties, they are not lying about that. seeing dean smile makes me feel good. ketch killed magda.

s12 ep5(the one you've been waiting for)

dean didnt eat the pie:(. is it really about mary? The scene with the ship was hilarious. Harry Potter! dean killed hitler. it is awesome. he is so happy he get to do that. did i mention dean killed hitler:)!

s12 ep6(celebrating the life of asa fox)

i love jody and her relationship with the boys. and yes dean killed hitler:) . winchesters are famous and i like it. billie is annoying. but she has a point. rules must be followed and winchesters always break the rules. most of the times its good but still they break rules. asa seemed like a nice guy and a good hunter. twins are cool. i hope mary will come back home fast. i dont know how much dean can wait.

s12 ep7(rock never dies)

i love cas and crowley. theyre so funny. Cas is tired of being the babysitter. the water scene might be the first spn video ive seen before watching the Show. i totally forgot about it but seein it now is different now i know dean i know sam and their relationship. and this makes perfect sense now. i love them. Maybe Cas couldn't follow, but couldn't Crowley follow his manager or the other band member and find the concert? crowley's with cas till the end i guess(for now at least). cas' famous word:) . well lucifer is kinda right, Chuck left again. he couldve taken lucifer with him or at least do something about him.

s12 ep8(lotus)

agents(in unision:)). an angel and a demon beat the two best hunters in the World. its amazing, their reactions everything. when sam asked anything missing i didnt realized the cross i said his soul because he want smiling and i knew it wouldnt make sense but i said it anyways because thet was all i could think of. well i just saw something about Charlie on my phone. I still haven't gotten over her death. I don't think I'll ever get over it. this Show is supernatural we saw characters' deaths but they returned most of the times. even bobby he is dead but we still see him some of the episodes. Why do we never see Charlie, they never even mention her. she didn't deserve such an end. I thought we might see her at least in 1 or 2 episodes. But she died, unexpectedly, and I still can't believe she is dead. I've said this many times, but when I watch new episodes, I think of her every now and then and I still can't make sense of her death. I miss seeing Mark Pellegrino. he is great as lucifer others are good too but I want to see him more. rowena is crazy at first i didnt like her much but i started to like her this season. What does the table with the color map in the Men of Letters bunker show? like how much of a monster there are? If anyone knows, I would be glad if they could tell me. I've been wondering for a while but I couldn't find it. I tried to read the writings on it, but it didn't work. i think i know WHO the nephilim is. i saw spoilers again and i was wondering about that character. i am so excited. I'm not sure if we will see that character in this season, but I think the chracter will be in the 13th season. i thought ketch was crowley:(. still he saved them so no problem for now at least. i forgot about lucifer and i thought dean asked because of cas. If it's going to bring the angel out, they would make sure cas' not near it. i love the team so much. they are amazing together. Rowena and Crowley are starting to get along well. In previous seasons, I was always afraid that the Winchesters would get into trouble with the law. This fear of mine had diminished considerably. But now I think they're in even bigger trouble. kelly is a mother but the baby is lucifers child. If they raise the child well, I think good things can happen(i hope). an angel, a witch, the king of hell, The two best hunters in the World they are amazing. the best team up

s12 ep9(first blood)

i dont know what i expected but im disappointed that crowley didnt help cas. Mary gets angry at Cas, but she wasn't there. The boys didn't even ask for help because she was gone. she left. 6 weeks! whatever they will get out idk how or when but they will. winchesters… i love them so much. How did they deceive the men? They didn't really defeat Lucifer, did they? He'll come back again, he can't be gone. I don't trust the men of letters either, but I really hope they can help. The guys don't stand a chance against Dean and Sam. cas!!!! What he did was very reckless. I'm glad the Winchesters aren't dead, but they've done things to disrupt the order of the universe too many times. What Billie said scares me. Billie is dead, the others are alive, this is a good thing, but what they will encounter next will be worse. and that is scary. The Winchesters took an angel and added him to the family and changed him, and it was great to watch this change, but it's not for the better, cas will die i know it but i dont want to see it. i knew ketch would kill them. mary! what The British Men of Letters saying is a good thing but like i said some monsters are not monsters. they deserve to live. and although their methods are effective, they are a bit extreme.

s12 ep10(lily sunder has some regrets)

Okay, Cas did something careless, but Dean needs to let it go and look at other things. Sam is right Cas saved all of them. cas is talking back to dean now, this scene is so funny. cas had a woman vessel! im glad he changed he no longer blindly sticking to rules. he is in team free will and this team always saves the World and i love them.

s12 ep11(regarding dean)

this ep is funny but is kinda sad. i have mixed feelings. i watched some clips of this ep. and ive been waiting to see it. jensen is amazing. hunting is the best job?! dean forget about his traumas. he is so happy full of life. It will be nice when Dean remembers everything, but I will be sad. Now he has forgotten the bad things and is in a happy state. But when those memories come, he will be sad again. Dean's eyes sparkle. deans love for scooby is precious. i didnt think this ep would be this sad. dean is frgetting himself and everything hes been through and the people he loved… its too much. how could dean aim that good and remember how to use a gun? i think he is born to be a hunter. when dean and rowena tricked sam sam's face told everything. he amost lost his brother again. thanks to rowena dean is back. and dean i love you.

s12 ep12(stuck in the middle (with you))

yes everything is fine. Wally is definitely not dead. Cas is not injured. right everything is allright. What kind of demon is this? He's not really azazel, is he? mary is working wth bmol its okay but she is hiding it from the boys that cant be good for any of them. well, at least its not azazel. others are bad too but still im glad its not him. so, thats how crowley became the king. crowley loves them. and i love him. he is trying to save them and they dont even know that. this ep was kinda like memento(nolan movie). and i think this is so cool. yes cas you are a family and this family wouldnt leave a member behind. dont say goodbye you aer gonna be allright. the trio, they all changed and their character development their stories are amazing and im glad i witnessed their stories, im glad i know them. theyll be a part of me forever. Mary, what was so important that you would let everyone die? crowley saved cas:) . mary stiil didnt mentioned the item to the boys. did she say cas is one of his boys? the item is the colt!! lucifer!!!!! i knew it was him from his voice but i wasnt sure.

s12 ep13(family feud)

I don't like that she works behind boys' backs. i missed seeing Mark Pellegrino. he is brilliant. i think rowena loves gavin. crowley loved his son. it was for revenge. i didnt see that coming. but crowley and rowena are even now. i hate to see the boys sad. mary shouldnt break their hearts.

s12 ep14(the raid)

-you are not a child -i never was. i knew this scene was coming and thats why i couldnt love mary. okay she needs time but the boys need their mother she was gone their whole life now she is back and she is rarely with them. things are never easy on this Show. i wish mary didnt returnn. that way she couldve been happy in heaven and the boys would be okay without her because they accepted her death they were never good there is always something but the two of them and maybe cas they would be okay, together. i hate seeing them hurt. and this time the one whose hurting them is their mother and this is worse. and now she is not even mom she is mary. I wish Bobby had come instead of Mary. If there is no bullet, why do you take out the colt? To drive a wedge between Sam and Mary even further? Sam, are you going to lie to Dean too? brits are doing some good things, i dont know what to think of them yet so I'm with dean(as always). When Sam said he was choosing a side, I thought he was choosing Dean, now does that mean he's choosing Mary?

s12 ep15(somewhere between heaven and hell)

and sam is lying to dean, great. Cas has gotten better at lying, but he still keeps his badge upside down. I wish they'd worn glasses to see the hellhound, just in case. After all, the girl also told the sheriff that the dog was coming towards her. im scared for crowley i dont think this will end good for him. i sometimes forget crowley is evil. what he did to lucifer was just, wow, i never see it coming neither did lucifer. dean hates bmol beacuse they tortured sam they hurt him not dean. he probably would be okay if they hurt him but they hurt his baby brother. and now his brother and his mom lied to him. He would find out eventually. Do they think that Dean wouldn't understand if they said it from the beginning? see, he is okay with it, im just sad thathis family lied to him, they didnt trust him to make the right choice.

s12 ep16(ladies drink free)

hogwarts! well then i want in. that wasnt wise. i hope they wont do anything to garth. i love dean. i love how he is happy for eve little things. i love seeing him happy even for a little moment. i love the referances. i kinda like claire but she lies most of the times, to jody to dean and sam. i love how dean acts like claire is his sister and protecting her. and, this reminds me Charlie. why did she die. she couldve lived, and we coldve seen her time to time like claire i miss Charlie. i dont think i could get over her death. dean is right(as always). they gave mick a second chance but i dont think it will work. They will finally learn about the things Ketch did. But this is not about Mick, he is just following orders. I think we saw today that he can actually be a good person. its not ketch'S fault either, he is just following orders too.

s12 ep17(the british invasion)

everyone says the nephilim is an abomination. but i think if they raise him well he could be a good guy, 'cause why not. Genes don't define who you are, of course they do, but I think upbringing will have a bigger impact. And I hope so because he's just a baby right now. I was starting to like mick. and the colt is back where it belongs. im not even worried. winchesters will be fine but im not sure about the others

s12 ep18(the memory remains)

come on cas. you have to come back. satyr. saving people hunting things the family business, dean's face wen he realised that was priceless. you are legends dean. normal people wont know you but the people you saved the hunters they will remember you. i would remember you. i hope boys will realise the device soon. things wont work out with the brits thats for sure.

s12 ep19(the future)

cas, finally. i love team free will. grace extractioni its brilliant. wow. yes, they always find a way. and cas is gone. cas stole the colt. cas team free will is all you need. you are saving the boys thats such a winchester thing to do. you are a winchester. but dean will be mad. and sam will be sad. kelly was right. im glad cas changed his mind. of course, im sad that he keft the boys but hell return.

s12 ep20(twigs & twine & tasha banes)

dads on a hunting trip and he hasnt been home in a few days. they did it again. they have mary and another mary! i would say a clone but is she a shapeshifter or something? mary doesnt know. She could have escaped, but she made a reckless move and was caught. i love the way dean holds the wine glass. mary fought good i loved the twins. i think we will see them again someday nad it wont be good. bevell is back, i hope sam will kill her.

s12 ep21(there's something about mary)

Eileen died?! i thought ketch would get her. crowley isnt dead. he is a rat, right? i think crowley will save dean and sam. because he needs help with lucifer.

s12 ep22(who we are)

they are geniuses(lunatic geniuses) and i love them. jody is a good mother to the girls ad the boys. i love her. hope she wont die. i hate you? dean couldnt have said that. why would he saiy that? dean is hurt. but he isnt saying waht happened to him he is just talking what happened to his brother. he did everything to keep him safe but he failed, so many times. he blames his mother yes but i think he blames himself more. he was never a child he tried to give his baby brother everything but how could he, he was just a little boy whos lost his mother and his father was just seeking revenge. he did best as he can. yes mary is back. they killed humans and i think they are ok with that. i get it its kill or be killed and they chose themselves. but idk i thought they would hesitate a little bit. so, what does lucifer wants? he was cool with his father, now he created something and he wants it then what? he wants to rule the World? the family hug, finally. this is who winchesters are. they try to make World a better place for the other in doing so they hurt the family, but in the end they always forgive each other and then turn back to the beginning because its a cycle. and im not complaining, they save the World always.

s12 ep23(all along the watchtower)

i missed carry on. They haven't put it at the beginning of the episode for a long time. i will give my life for your son, i hope you wont need to do that cas. crowley is not a cockroach, he is a rat. is rowena really dead? i dont believe it. she cant be dead. kelly wouldve been a great mom. i mostly like crowley he is strange but he mostly helps the winchesters so. i love cas i love his character development he is amazing. hi bobby! he is back once again. i missed bobby. i hope we can see our bobby again. i loved the DC referances. Did Lucifer really think the Winchesters had escaped? crowley! cas! why did crowley did that? he wouldnt kill himself? well old crowley wouldnt but like everyone winchesters changed him too. and cas he has changed by the winchesters too. but this Show is supernatural how can someone stay dead. how can we be sure they are rally dead. right now they look like they wont come back but in this Show everything is possible. and Mary was taken from her boys, again. she might still be alive. im 99% sure kelly is dead(after all this is supernatural). dean and sam lost everyone they cared about again. jack came. i hope winchesters will raise him. and thats all for this season. last 3 seasons. and im still not ready to say goodbye i dont think i ever will be.

[quodekash]

im back.

hell yeah flute man

pls my dads are so sweet, i cant deal

IVE CONTINUED FOR THREE MINUTES AND IM ALREADY ABOUT TO CRY AGAIN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

THE WAY THE BLANKET IS RUFFLED AT HIS NECK MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE A GRANNY OR SMTH I CANT STOP LAUGHING

IM CRYING

IM LAUGHING SO HARD IM CRYING

DID THEY REALLY JUST

OMG

IS HE STUMBLING BECAUSE THE GROUND THEY SLEPT ON IS HARD OR IS HE STUMBLING BECAUSE THEY GOT HARD

i guess what im trying to say is DID THEY REALLY JUST FU

YOU GUMNUTS YOU LOST THE KID

OF COURSE YOU FREAKING LOST THE KID

THE ONE TIME I GET EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO A CHILD, IT GETS LOST

THIS HAPPENED WITH JIGSAW AS WELL

what is it with our skyy 2 and introducing me to small children that i get emotionally attached to anD THEN RIPPING THEM AWAY FROM ME

he'll be fine tho, im sure of it. he knows what hes doing. and even if he doesnt, he's got two dads and two uncles to look after him, theyll find him and rescue him in the most overly dramatic way possible

my bet tho: he's just gone back to the village and he's completely safe and yod's trying to radio them to let them know hes safe but their radio isnt working, so he's gonna go into the forest to look for them while the four dudes wander around the forest to find the kid, and then theyll all run into each other and be like "welp we panicked for nothing" and then go back to the village and then theyll kiss their boyfriends and longtae will appear with his 184cm tall boyfriend and theyll all party and celebrate

(that last part is a mere wish, i know my boy doesnt show up at all and im sad about it)

OHHHH I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

its totally fine then, theyll find him and he'll be safe and sound

oh look at that, they did a custody switch

i think the real thing we should be saying here is: it's already evening and your legs are STILL hurting?

YOU GUMNUTS, DONT GO LOOKING AS WELL

THEYRE GONNA FIND THE KID AND COME BACK AND FIND YOU GUYS MISSING

AND THE CYCLE WILL NEVER END

HOLY FREAKING HELL YOU IDIOTS

bro is just chilling

i love this kid so much

he's saying this terrifying thing about how a wild animal nearly killed him so he climbed a tree and got stuck in it all night, and he's just so chill about it

i just love him so much

well how the hell are you gonna communicate that with your boyfriends

REMINDER: PRAN AND TIAN HAVE NOW SPENT THREE DAYS IN THIS FOREST

WHAT THE HELL ARE THE VILLAGERS THINKING??

THEY DONT HAVE THEIR HEAD CHIEF FOREST GUY BECAUSE HES BEEN IN THIS FOREST FOR TWO DAYS

also: surely patpran are getting close to their one week quota, right? they had one week to get the thing signed, ive forgotten how long they were already there for, but theyve been in a forest for three days so like idk man

YOU GUMNUTS

SURELY YOU KNOW YOUR BOYFRIENDS WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW THEYRE IDIOTS WHO WILL TRY TO COME FIND YOU WHEN YOU DONT COME BACK

they all probably smell. theyve been wearing those clothes for days in a forest

and pat probably still thinks he can find pran based on his scent, bless his silly idiotic heart

TIAN HASNT HAD HIS FREAKING HEART MEDICATION IN FREAKING DAYS

THE MAN'S GONNA DIE

P'AUUUUU

LMAOOOOOO CALLED OUTTTT

omg bonding

"why do i feel like you're just insecure and not sure if you're good enough to tell anyone that story?" awh

"you know nothing" "why wouldnt i know? i know how it feels to be insecure, unsure if im good enough" wait hang on

NO

HONEYBUN

NO WAY

HONEY YOU'VE BOTH MADE SO MANY SACRIFICES FOR EACH OTHER TO GET TO WHERE YOU ARE TODAY

i wanna hug him so bad

FREAKING FINALLY

MAN NEEDS HIS MEDICATION

ID RATHER MY DAD DIDNT DIE TODAY

GJWEKBRSVD

THATS IT

IM DONE

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

IM NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY OKAY RIGHT NOW

ITS THE WATCH

i know he has it just because pran dropped it in the forest and pat picked it up, but its still the same watch that pat picked up for pran when they were children, all those freaking years ago

i just think its a lovely parallel

i love them so much

hsdshgjsdhjgsd

SEE?? you help each other out, you both sacrifice for one another, YOU ARE IN LOVE AND YOU MIGHT NOT BE PERFECT BUT YOU'RE THE DAMN BEST AND GVERYJDHFGB

BITCHES BE CRYING RN

ITS ME

IM BITCHES

SOBBING MY EYES OUT

COMFORTING DAD PATS (pats like the action of patting, not multiple of the character whose shoulder is being patted. words are hard)

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

HSDFHSDFHSDHG

THEY MEAN PROBABLY TOO MUCH TO ME

ALSO PRAN DEFINITELY SMELLS WORSE THAN PAT FOR ONCE, HE HASNT SHOWERED IN DAYS

ANYWAY, HUGS

I LOVE HUGS SO MUCH

SAME

HE IS ME

I LOVE YOD SO MUCH

shoot i ran out of images

just fyi: it took over two hours for me to get from halfway through 2/4 to halfway through 4/4. and i still have a whole episode left go to. this may take like a week to finish

[scourgefrontiers]

thoughts on supreme kai (shin or any tbh)

i'll answer this in two parts!

THOUGHTS ON SHIN SPECIFICALLY:

i think shin is great. i love shin, ive always loved shin, and i hate how much shit he gets from fans :( he's trying his absolute best and he has to deal with UNIVERSE 7's bullshit all the goddamn time. he has to deal with beerus being his lifelink. he has to deal with GOKU. he has trauma from his fellow supreme kais being slaughtered and absorbed by majin buu. he got beat the fuck up by majin buu as well, and in future trunks' timeline he was killed himself!!! GIVE HIM A BREAK CMON

his design is so nice as well, i love his colors and his hair and man his introduction was great. it always tickles my fancy. introducing him as this mysterious tournament contestant that intimidated PICCOLO into forfeiting b/c he knew he was some kind of god, and not just any god but the fucking SUPREME KAI, which after being introduced to the four cardinal kais and the grand kai was a major "holy shit" moment, at least for me!

idk i just think he's neat :)

THOUGHTS ON SUPREME KAIS IN GENERAL:

supreme kais are really cool as a concept tbh, i love the idea of god hierarchies and having them being born from fucking fruit is adorable and neat. and i love the connection between them and the destroyers--creation vs destruction, one unable to exist without the other, their lives forever connected.. its so neat

also i wish they didnt (supposedly) do away with there being a grand supreme kai and then four lower supreme kais. i use that idea for my own oc universes still bc i thought it was neat and made sense--one supreme kai for each quadrant of the universe and then a grand supreme kai to watch over the lower ones and keep things organized. i like it! its like how the grand kai watches over the four cardinal kais but on a grander scale. having said that i think the supreme kais existing, while cool, kind of defeats the purpose of the lower cardinal kais and the grand kai? not that i want them gone or changed! i just think theyre a little redundant as a concept actually..like take out the cardinal kais and just keep the supreme kais yknow? they both do the same damn thing apparently except one is connected to the destroyer. OR ACTUALLY maybe the cardinal kais are just there to watch and then report to the supreme kai who actually does the work of creation? so the cardinal kais are just there to make sure what the supreme kais have created all goes smoothly??? thats just a theory though. a game theory

anyway sort of going off this i really enjoy the idea of an evil kai. im looking at zamasu directly. not to make this about him suddenly but i ADORE "break in the chain" type characters, so zamasu really hit me. supreme kais are supposed to be good! theyre gods! theyre supposed to be benevolent beings that watch over and nurture the universe. but zamasu wasnt like that. he wanted to destroy all mortal life AND the gods he deemed unworthy of their power. he was so fucked up i love him so much

thank u for allowing me to ramble <3

[sequesteredschizo]

cw // suicidal ideation & self harm 

thought too much about where I should post these words @ and where to do it if I did

Decided on here, both to challenge myself to be honest about how I'm doing and as a small private testament to myself, esp considering I can't guarantee I'll remember any of this later if I don't 

A few months ago I decided I was supposed to kill myself on April 26th 2024. I think something about doing that nullified certain anxieties of mine at times, for better and for worse. I thought the worst thing I could do that would ruin everyone I cared about was already going to happen, so I was able to loosen my grip somewhat on the people-pleasing and the social anxiety and the agoraphobia- maybe a sort of subconscious 'if something doesn't change, i will be dying. So I might as well try while I'm still around.' I've been callous and I've been unstable, but I also took risks (or, actions I that felt like risks to me) that landed me with more life-affirming results than I could have ever anticipated.

I sent texts I thought were annoying and stupid to people I wished I talked to more, I tried to eat like a well-adjusted adult person, I was honest with my dad about how hellish my disability was making my life for the first time. Etc etc. Anything to connect, anything to survive. I didn't care anymore. it felt like the end of the world. To everyone else it probably seemed like I was finally re-entering society, if anyone thought much of it at all (unlikely, imo.) At one point, I hurt myself worse than I ever had before, and without really meaning to, haven't done it since. It feels now like a microcosm of the bigger picture, just by coincidence. Doing better wasn't necessarily my intention, but it was a consequence of thinking I was fucking it all up one last time. Might as well throw all the chips in.

Last weekend I attended a wedding out-of-state for a relative I hadn't seen in years knowing id meet countless new faces and I didn't even freak out. And I was terrified, and I didn't want to go there and I didn't want to stay here but I did it anyways. Turns out I don't think I've ever felt so loved and welcomed and appreciated in my life. The people I reached out to on a whim, because what was the worst that could happen? Some of them actually respond back, fucking shocker. My dad is trying to stop pretending I don't exist. I'm a little less malnourished. So those are all good developments.

I feel like I reached up into an empty sky with the very last dregs of energy I had and by some miracle, just enough of the universe reached back. I don't and didnt want to scar and endanger my struggling loved ones because I couldn't be strong enough to deal with myself. It had to be my last option, after truly trying everything I could. I didn't even do much, and I didn't expect it to work. I didn't expect my favorite band to be dropping new shit on my due date. I didn't know that I would really honestly from the bottom of my heart not want to leave this fucked up horrible beautiful tragic world behind. 

I know there's always going to be a part of me that expects me to commit. it's always been easier for me to hurt myself than help myself. I've written a lot of suicide notes throughout my life. This is the first time I've ever done the opposite, I guess? This is supposed to be my promise to me that I want to live. I need to. Its really hard to admit that to myself. I'm pretty sure I can do it tho.

I think (and almost hope) that the handful of you who follow this stupid little blog wont read this, but I posted it here because theres too many people everywhere else. It's directed at myself anyway.

a distant yell into a cacophonous void, in hopes that typing it will act as a metaphysical vehicle for manifesting it in the collective subconscious:

TRANS PEOPLE DONT KILL YOURSELF!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thegeminisage]

Hmm. 20-22 inclusive …. making you be negative 😈 I’m assuming you’ll do zelda but as a scholar I’m also interested in your spn thoughts so you pick mwah

oooh dealer's choice this is so tough...what if i just answer for both LMAO im so sorry ok Lets Go

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

for zelda: i really, really wish i liked wind waker. i wanna like wind waker so fucking bad. i love wind waker's story. i love wind waker's ganondorf. i love how bright and cheerful the graphics are contrasted with how solemn it is underground. i love the dungeons and the gameplay. but god i HATE the cartoony little balloon heads. it takes me right out of those serious moments. i don't mind stylization but if it could have been just a LITTLE BIT. less stylized. just a LITTLE LESS like animal crossing characters. it's beautiful to look at but for a game with such serious hidden elements WHICH I LOVE i find trouble taking it seriously.

for spn: god, all of crowley's little arcs. he was almost never interesting, and while you can excuse bad writing for cas because it's cas, you can't make crowley happen. fetch is never gonna happen! you can show me his fun hot mom and his dead son and it still isn't happening! he's just the walking talking embodiment of the "angels and demons are just like OFFICE WORKERS" trope which i hate so fucking deeply because it's the least sexy direction they ever took and the exact opposite of what i want from my angels and demons. all of the middle seasons suffered deeply from this. crowley COULD have been interesting, but tbh, i liked him best in the season they killed him off.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

for zelda: i could do wind waker again but actually i completely understand the hype, bc wind waker is a great game even if i can't deal with it like a normal person. same with botw - i found most of the joy thru exploration, so it just didnt Hit on replays the way other zeldas do, but its influence cannot be understated and the hype is deserved. what if everybody is right all the time to hype any and everything about zelda?? oh wait actually. sorry. twilight princess ilia. idk if people hype her but if they do theyre wrong. love and light to her, she's Fine, but it feels kind of like a knockoff of malon (superior) and i generally dislike when link has romantic interests besides zelda, even if the love interest gets amnesia (wistful sigh). this sin was especially egregious bc zelda barely has any screentime at all, but i forgive tp for this because what screentime she DOES have is spent being in lesbians with midna. so it works out just this once due to the power of gay people, but that's some thin fucking ice. anyway, sorry to ilia and ilia fans for being a misogynist

for spn: i hate canon claire. i can't get into it in depth but like...sorry, even without the issue of My Own Claire Ideas, i still don't know if i could do it. being gay does not save her from having the exact same "damaged but spunky teen girl" personality given to almost EVERY OTHER TEENAGE GIRL (or young woman) on the show. to some extent she, krissy, mary from the winchesters, charlie, jo, alex, etc etc all have the same personality with a few defining quirks tacked on as an afterthought. do i love some of these characters? yes, of course. are they well-written? absolutely not <3

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

for zelda: in general, i think skyward sword gets a bad rap despite lanayru desert's entire (waves hand vaguely) and zelda being a fucked up evil goddess who canonically manipulates link's love for her. AND GROOSE. never forget groose. more specifically i think not enough people have acknowledged 1. the champions corpses are definitely still in those cockpits 2. oot link essentially became a stalfos by walking into the lost woods without navi and never came back. hello?? generally those dark little implications that u have read between the lines to get <3

for spn: oh baby its michael!dean. i waited so long and i only really got what i wanted for one episode but it was so good. it was SO good. no one else is as hype about the fact that it took nine REAL LIFE YEARS to get there. a DECADE of my finite time on earth. but ohhh was it ever worth the wait. what else could i possibly write 100k+ about

[ASK MEME]

[lumen-tellus]

thinking about those old longfics that i rambled about in the tags that ive dropped but still really, really want to write.......................... yknow, i honest to god dont know when ill ever actually write them so maybe i Should just drop some notes on what was supposed to happen in them lmao lmao

(and it will help if i do end up coming back to them to fully write out some day. lol. maybe. probably. i hope loooool)

a room by the ocean

-> endgoal is for Yumeno and Ouma to say "sayonara biches!!" to the town they're staying in currently and move to some other place. a titular room by the ocean.

how do we get there tho? god i wish i knew man beats me

-> also along the way, Friendship(TM) happens!!!!!!!!

-> and some backstory stuff; how both of their "past selves" aka pre-show attitudes and circumstances still linger and affect them:

Yumeno coping with her history as being the child of two former show participants, essentially repeating history with herself and both sympathizing and rejecting her mother.

Ouma having to deal with the semi-clashing personality he has now and deciding who exactly he wants to be, and by extension, what he wants his life to be now in light of everything past and present.

-> ofc some conflict in the form of asshole reporters and fans finding out and following after them like creeps + both yumeno and ouma were still fans of the show once upon a time even if they both really detest it now, so trying to deal with that in perhaps each other is going to be a whole rip fiasco in some sense (also theyre like, living reminders of the show just by being next to each other so lmao for them).

-> i WILL get my saiouma happening here too. also just in general friendshippy with the trio will happen somewhere!!!!!!

genometrics

-> oh yeah i also had a platonic shirogane-ouma spaceship au fic that i forgot about too. whoops

-> i have even less of an idea how i was supposed to make them friends but that was the endgoal of the fic lmaooooo

-> fic would be loosely structured like its source inspiration - a genometrics/cosmosphere dive, except without the whack brain surrealism lol. it's real life, and each chapter would "progress" their friendship much like progressing a level.

-> probably another place where i would slip in worldbuilding for the au lmao lmao

home, riding home

-> i said time travel mystery fic ft. zhongli and tartaglia but its not time travel and tartie isnt childe either

-> anyway im just going to drop the reveal lmao: the tartie is tonitoni

wow gasp shock woooooowww who couldve eveeeeeer guessed that The tonitoni writer is actually writing the suspiciously teenaged girl tartaglia to actually be tonitoni!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /sarcasm

-> also zhongli didnt time travel, he timelined traveled - he wakes up in a timeline/alternate history teyvat thats lagging behind just a bit temporally, where the tartie is tonitoni and where the rite of descension has yet to take place.

to specific, he wakes up in the body of his other self there

he doesnt realise this bc well it's his exact same body + he mistakes the potent geo energies within him - which is actually the soul of his other self, forced into slumber bc of the timeline jumping antics - for his gnosis

-> the other funny mystery beat i was going for - tonitoni has the gnosis. she just grabbed it right out of her zhongli in a petulant, violently arguing fit by accident and the sheer, sudden force of taking it from him rendered him briefly unconscious.

she panicked tho and thought she killed him tho lmao rip tonitoni is such a funny little silly meowmeow <3

anyway bc of this, she basically yelled at the leylines to grab his soul before it disappears into the ether - and bc she wasnt thinking straight, she didnt notice that he isnt really dead and his soul hasnt moved on from the material plane

the leylines also meanly did not correct her on this, mostly bc thats not really their job, and simply dutifully complied with her garbled command to go grab a zhongli from the leylines. hey, conveniently, theres a zhongli in a domain close to the leylines in another timeline, that should do!

so yeah this technically means she also knows zhongli is rex lapis and not just a regular consultant at this point, which goes halfway unnoticed bc half the time theyre in public anyway so she cant actually go around addressing him as an archon lol

-> besides all this plot, there was gonna be a fair bit of chara rumination!!

it would heavily feature zhongli debating his future post-archonhood, what he wants to do in life and what he wants from life both. primarily the grappling of moving on from centuries of duty to a more self-centered, human existence.

on tonitoni's side, it would be the exploration of a friendly, almost mentor-like, almost parental relationship between her and zhongli.

-> childe will show up eventually and oh boy hes going to look at tonitoni and it will immediately become a disaster im tellinggggg you

also there will be chili endgame. there will be. that is the point of retirement u old noodle!!!!!!!!!!

-> fic ending is that tonitoni uses her free tree privileges to send zhongli and childe back after all the mysteries are sorted out (and just in time for the rite and the farce of a plan to proceed) ft. some emotional moments bc tonitoni is going to be super intensely staring at her brother in the head the whole time otherwise lol

sun in retrograde

-> aka noah "celestia" ebalon gets a field trip in retrospection at how much his childhood sucked ASS!!!!!! ft. worldbuilding

celestia gets to happily hate on his shitty parents, encourage his younger self to be more confident, and feel both appreciative and sad with more mature nuance over his brother

he will also ruminate a fair bit on how the past is like and what it will become from here on, knowing what he does from the future and the secret things going on (like the machinations of the cult of henir and such)

the worldbuilding will focus on magic systems, family dynamics, and elrianode nobility and customs

-> as for the actual plot-to-plot beats: good question!!!!!!!!!

well i know he'll stick around in the manor as a supposed expert magic tutor for harque, probably - celestia thinks this is both incredibly funny and also kinda whack honest to god

harque is also probs just going to wave him off like "i can tell you're not that interested like sure i'll take some tips but please do as you like ^^"

which celestia btw happily accepts so he can research how to go back to his own time and also maybe not worry too much about fucking up the timelines with his own meddling. epitome of "whatever happens will happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in his head as he psyches himself through his research

he takes breaks in between of course though, accompanying harque or his younger self - who he definitely imparts more actual magical teaching to - and bonding with them, while internally musing about the outsider pov of seeing his own childhood self and brother with fresh eyes.

clamor btw is going to take one look at younger noah and be like "i understand so much about why you were like That now. also im going to squish his cheeks even more"

also at some point younger noah falls sick and misty shows up to care for him and celestia is simultaneously "idc my revenge plot was a whole life/timeline ago" and "you canNot be standing in front of me and pretend that you dont know whats up heLLO?!?!?!?!?!??" inside his head, which is otherwise politely smiling at her.

also "misty is an ebalon cousin" hc in full force here; shes from a branch family of the ebalons, i swear if the game canon itself doesnt prove me right i KNOW im right anyway SOMEWHERE

the final plot-plot beat is that harque figures out what celestia's magic research is really about (time travel) and while he doesnt press for anything from him (probably), he does comment about how such magic might help him actually win the nominations for moon master - this gets celestia thinking about the pendant trinket, and how he doesnt know where harque actually got the thing nor figured out how to supposedly use its magic anyway.

which leads to celestia being the one to craft the pendant and hand it over to harque, along with potentially cryptic words hinting at the future to come. maybe idk itd funny tho. (it'd also be funny if harque lowkey figures out who celestia actually is after this but lmao dont look at me)

ofc the ending has celestia eventually use his reversed time travel spell to go back to his own time, where hes like "well that sure was something!" sits there for a while just staring at the ceiling, then is like "hey, clamor, do you want to investigate henir's order? im suddenly realising that theres some loose ends i never figured out" and heading to elrianode for their delayed meetup with the ESP in the demon world lol maybeeee

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i had a bad dream and it was a bad dream because it really wasnt that bad

it was about brian, he came back to me again and i. was mad but he owned up to his mistakes and he missed the attention i gave him and i missed giving it and i fucking went back to him and i felt butterflies and. i lingered too long, i wanted to stay

it makes me so SICK no matter how far i denounce him, it doesnt matter if i never think of him much, my brain cant let him go for some reason. why do you miss that? i was so miserable, i was being used. he ADMITTED that he didnt want me to be happy with anyone else and that he wouldnt try to make me happy at all so?

why do i still feel like i want him? its so hard to shake.. i do want him. i really dont, but i miss the attention, even if it was nothing at all. even if the closest thing i could get to any kind of affection was an "aw" when i was sad, i wouldve PUT UP WITH IT for him. i told him that, i told him i would deal with it if he could just.. sincerely apologize to me. for yknow. sexting a teenager!! but he didnt. he wouldnt. he said he couldnt apologize if he didnt mean it

my head still tries to make little fantasy scenarios with him, where everything turned out well and he could change and we could. what??? be happy together? yeah right. he didnt like you fat, didnt like you as a man and only entertained it longer cuz even if yr a man, you still have a cunt and thats what he wanted. annoying as fuck

i just wish i could let it go!!!!! why do i dream about him? and why are they good dreams? dreams that make me wake up with this sense of yearning, something i REALLY need to kill right away like. as fast as possible

im not going back to him i never ever will im . ive never been happier!!! when i left it felt like the end of the world and i was so depressed but ive NEVER FELT BETTER. i have people who actually love me now

and also??? he always pulled this shit talking about how i was a problem for him too, bitch?????? i was 16, you were talking to a 16 yr old with undiagnosed bpd of course im not gonna act RATIONALLY im fucking scared!!!! i was so scared!!! that first night when we met and like. 10 minutes after asking me how old i was it got sexual like IMMEDIATELY and it. felt nice but i was still scared. he doesnt even REMEMBER that conversation, but its burned into my brain. if you want a mature partner then maybe talk to an adult 🥳

i miss the attention, yes, but i dont miss how it made me feel. i dont miss the way it made my guts turn, made me shake. makes me shake just thinking about it. its the same reason i panic on fucking GRINDR, having people interested in me in that way is scary, it reminds me of him. i? i dont know.. its like whenever i get into sexual situations if its not approached gently i get SCARED, scared as if i was a kid again. it wasnt just him, after all. i wish i could just.. grow up? i wish that i didnt get so scared but i know its not my fault, i know that. whatever happened to me, i should have been PROTECTED. i shouldve been safe, but i wasnt

and it makes me so fucking angry? i never told anyone then because i knew that if i told my family, theyd blame me. and i LOVED him, i didnt want anything bad to happen to him, even if what he was doing was so horribly bad for me. i used to talk vaguely about him with my therapist and i started to frustrate her, thats why i dont go anymore. she would get frustrated because she didnt know what my problem is. I KNOW what my problem is, i just.. i was still talking to him, i was trying to approach it in a way that would protect him, even if he didnt deserve it

man. i hate being a tool for people, like genuinely. so tired of it.. yeah, tell me all about yr problems and ill be there to comfort you and listen. never ask about mine tho! never never never. you can ask me for nudes or pictures of my underwear, force me to roleplay with you even tho ive made it clear i dont really like it. ill do it to get you off! im so.

im glad i left. it was a good choice, he made me completely fucking miserable. very few times have i gone thru so much pain it literally forces me to dissociate from my body and view myself from above but! asking someone like that to apologize for uhh idk a crime? guess thats TOO FAR, tried sayin "erm well actually age of consent laws are higher in the us then a lot of countries ☝🤓" kill yourself!!!! like actually!!!!! im glad hes always miserable, i hope it never gets better for him ever

thats the worst part about it. is if it wasnt me, i would absolutely advocate for his death. because hes the kind of person i fucking despise, hes the absolute worst person to me. but i just.. i have a hard time extending that to him because he was awful to ME. he was mine and i used to love him!! i should hate him, and i do, i just wish it came as easy as hating any other predator

hated the way he acted when we argued tho, he tried gaslighting me before. you do not gaslight someone with bpd!!!!! cuz i fucking remember!! i read into everything anyone does extra of COURSE ill remember what happened. tried telling me i initiated it when i literally didnt cuz i knew better!!! i knew i shouldnt be talking to adults, but.. i did it anyways. that fucks me up a lot, it makes me blame myself. i knew i shouldnt, but the attention felt too nice, i didnt want to lose it and LOOK where it got me. permanently altered 🥳 nice job.

will NEVER let him blame me tho, cuz he started it. we separated like 4 times, and EACH TIME, he came back. am i that good? fuck if i know cuz it never felt like i was. probably missed getting his dick wet to our messages honestly. cuz when i was finally 18 he came back and immediately made it sexual again. im ashamed that i didnt stop him

i remember we argued because he thought i was irrational in thinking he would do bad things to me considering he literally told me before "so, consent doesnt matter between us, right?" ??????? im irrational for that?? do you even hear yrself? idk it just. pisses me off i hate him, i wish i could permanently kill the part of my brain that dreams of him fondly because it doesnt happen often but when it does it ruins my whole day

i just. i was too immature to be in a relationship with, but mature enough to be sexted every night? make it make sense!!!!! ik this is a lot, i just. need it off my chest so i can go back to normal. i wish it didnt affect me still but it does. i wish i could have fun!!!! wish i wasnt scared of getting sexual without randomly getting this intense sharp FEAR, fear that shoves me back and makes me run. i want to HEAL from this, i dont want to be like this anymore it fucking sucks. i feel like he ruined me. he'd roll his eyes at that

[kawaiicherryblossomperfection]

this is so complicated! no its not yes it is i didnt want to die die die die but i did for the gang! damn ok so i know hes not here trust me hes not but why couldnt u stop urself from insulting me? i never did any of that dumb bitch! oh really? oh haha ew ur gross! its really me! omg ttyl i didnt insult u i promise i did what was right and we can totally move on from the next part of the story to thw other but where the fuck did u go baby? i have no idea thats whats so weird about it u didnt go anywhere but austin tx nah she didnt go there! she went to native ohio no she went to a corner store... and died? like thats it! and were capable and strong right? u wont forget about skatepark deaths too right? no i wont my dude ok so stay away from bad ppl doing weird things to u like arguing or fighting u ok? ok are u scared 1 second forever nah i came back! i got to fight and it was my fault ew ur so naive to think that that i wanted to kill u that u couldnt die that u couldnt live horror cutz whose on the boat? a dying antelope whats on the hill? a dying school bus whats on the hill? a dying antler whats on the hilltop a dying carcuss animal crush sad was yesterdays news that ur child was dying alone that she couldnt eat that she couldnt breathe lava & knives hi lets go home for a minute well it wasnt as good as planned well we die alone sometimes well we cant eat dinner well weve got to go home hey did u do anything last night? no i fucked all night well im a virgin suicide i die everyday eating plastic bowling balls im gonna eat a virgin and call her suicidal janette bc the plastic teens eat queeno benders ew thats one green lets play hockey instead ew! lets go get lava & knives its me u dumb bitch im gonna hop skip and jump away i do love u & u dont have to ask im gonna be the star in daddy! no stop? porno no way i think id rather die bc ur daughter just ruined the joke like she always does right? well no fucking way captain obvious we got drinks tonight at the bar ok so go home to daddy i do love her shes been creating me or maybe i created her what? ok so stop all the press im in love with desarae renee hollins and i wish scary gangsta could be too bc see he is! and always has been and that guy didnt stand a chance just wait bc we dont cheat and were not gay and we dont talk to other women daamn baby its me too! ive got a whole knife in the lava dept ew hahaha um i find it hard to believe that u want him to be the first lava & knives but the second one hes a pro! yea were already getting ready to come over nah were tired and hungry too and desarae renee hollins is never cooking another day in her life! ok so get away from me and heres some meth ok so? i saw that! and he ran away big time it wasnt me pretty girl yes! she is she is she is she is well what about me? what about what i want? i want a diamond ring from tiffanys yes its bout 50 hahaha funny af and we will say why! so its funny bc it is and i laughed bc it was ok so? she will never know if i love her and i do so what about tiffany ew! hahaha she and i dont even walk home together fascinating? not really dude! it was just a sentence and i get it we create with words ok so no big deal ive got 100m needles laying around woa woa woa who said that? i have got to ask u why u keep floating around here! no im not dead im still alive! hahaha ew no hahaha that emotion is phsyically impossible for anyone what i have is the exact opposite and she has it too lol well maybe after her office visit with lava & knives 1 second forever ew hahaha shes a drug dealer? hell nah bitch that is real real judgy and franklin go home nigger

[truckfreaks]

I wish i didnt answer the fucking phone. And I feel so fucking irredeemably guilty for saying that, but it's true

Sitting in the backyard and trying to identify the grapevine I just found. I get a call from my aunt. Usually it's because my nephew, who she takes to school in the morning, asks to say good morning to me. So I don't think anything of it.

She tells me, "listen, I'm really sorry to do this but I'm not calling with good news. Your mother called me several times last night and she definitely relapsed, she was screaming on the phone for hours. She wasn't making any sense, but she kept asking what she can do to make things right between you and her. She wants to ask you but she's afraid. I think shes suicidal again."

I didn't really know what to say besides the truth. She (my mother) already knows the answer. I've told her countless times. She needs to go inpatient - not some cushy detox for a week or two. She needs actual fucking inpatient psych and substance use treatment. I work with people just like her every single day. I deal with it constantly. I know it's possible. But it takes work and commitment and you need to have no outside distractions. She can't just try to do this and simultaneously hold a job and try to act like everything is fine. She needs to go away somewhere and get well and find help and connect with people who understand the hurt and ache that we unfortunately are genetically fucking cursed with in this family.

But my aunt goes on. She tells me about all the things my mother was saying: how next year she'll have been in Florida for a decade, but she's no happier or more stable than she was when she first went. She can't hold a job. She has no friends, no support system (because my grandparents refuse to even call to check on her when she relapses, thanks to AL Anon bullshit).

She tells me that she kept saying she refuses to go to jail. She says she came to Florida to "protect" my grandparents and pretty soon she "won't be able to" anymore. She says some odd variation on the usual: "does [nephew] even understand the concept of love? Does he feel supported? Does he know that he does not have to end up like this?" Usually those words were reserved for my cousin, but now that there is a new baby in the mix, I guess she's projecting it onto him.

She says she will "do anything" to understand how to connect with me, but she doesn't think it's possible, and she doesn't think I would care if she died. She says she wishes grandma and grandpa were dead so that she didn't have to "protect" them anymore. She says neither of them even know where they are (not true. My grandparents are entirely self sufficient and no mental deficit or dementia at all). Nobody (my aunt and my cousin, listening in) understood what she was talking about.

Then, like usual, after calling my aunt several times over the course of five or six hours, she just. stopped. Me and my aunt talked about it a good deal this morning, but ultimately decided a wellness check was probably a terrible idea, since, yknow. Cops kill people when they do wellness checks on the mentally ill.

I know she is probably triggered because of uncle frankie's birthday/death. I get it. I really do. Having to deal with your dead siblings birthday and murder happening within less than a week of one another is terrible. But it isn't an excuse. He wouldn't want it to be an excuse either. And, he is gone. She's still here.

Its kind of wild, actually. We talked to her on Sunday, after we got back from the cemetery. I got on the call because I know half the reason why she is like this is because of the grief she deals with regarding Uncle Frankie. She was... jarringly normal. Even my aunt agreed - it was the first time in a long time we had talked to her and she didn't seem just positively manic.

I look at her and I see parts of myself I hate so, so, so much. It breaks my heart. Because I know how badly it hurts, this rot that just lives inside you and grows and grows. Its awful. My mother is so smart, so ridiculously talented, so compassionate. She feels very, very much. I know she feels like nobody understands her. I know she feels alone. And I know what that feels like, and I know how badly it hurts. But the difference is I know that there's something wrong with me and I take steps to address it. I'm in therapy two to three times a week. I take a cocktail of meds every day. I find things to love about life that aren't hinging on someone else loving me or respecting me, or being successful, or reaping some reward.

Because, like. When you are like this, you have to. Otherwise life is... literally without point. You have to make your own meaning. Nobody can give it to you. But she wants someone to give it to her. She wants me to call her and treat her like a mother and give her purpose - Yes, Christine, Now you are a mother. Except what she doesn't get is, she's always been a mother. She didn't know what to do with it. That's... not my fault. I can't fix her. Nobody can. She needs to fix herself. I derive NO joy from knowing there is nothing I can do to help my mother. This isn't some kind of point of pride, or "self care" to cut toxic people out of your life, or something like that. I just. Can't. I am just as helpless as everyone else. She has the power but she thinks she doesn't. And if she doesn't go inpatient and figure it out, it is going to eat her alive and it is going to kill her.

I didn't even tell my aunt about what happened at the doctor yesterday. I don't have it in me. I can't put more on them. She told me she'll check in again on mom. Then she had to go. She said she would keep me updated.

She says she's afraid mom killed herself last night after she stopped calling. I don't know what to do with that.

editing to say someone finally got in contact but frankly I have no idea what's going on. and i think i don't even have the capacity to try ro tackle this today.

[healingheneree]

02/14/23 - PM

Dear Journal,

Today I found out my uncle passed away. He -passedway in bed. I know his death hasnt really hit hit me yet but i know it will later. Also i found out that my aunt has stage 4 cancer. I am not sure how to take any of this news. The emotions that come to me is that life is short. We have such a finite amount of time and all i can think about his how much time i am wasting not being with Tam. Today was Valentine days and all i want to feel is love. I know dealing with no being wtih my wife during this day was going to be hard enough emotionally. I have been preparing all weekend on how to deal with myself and the type of tantrums i will have. Every time she spends time with Alex i have a hard time wishing it waas me being intimate with her instead. I wish i could have the fun. I wish she would hold me and kiss me and just make everything in my life just feel so much better. My inner child just wants to feel that again. But seeing another man sheing her in my head with someone else every time is super hard to control my reactions to my emotions. Some days i take it really well and some days i do not. This weekend was good i heard about them not going well and parts of me was very sad Tam was sad but there was a part of happy i can really be there for her. I wish i could be there and fill those holes of intimacy and connecitons. I miss our long talks and time to connect and just being with each other energy. I know her energy is crazy and overwhelming but man do i love it.  Today i was thinking about how my aunt mnust have felt when she found my uncle and my heart just sank. First thing i thought about was my wife and how much i wanted to just find her and hug her and never let her go. I am very grateful for my children and health and to still have Tam in my life. I rather have her this way currently than not at all but i rather have to fully then the way it is now. 

Tonight i really didnt want to be alone. I can’t believe my Chu Cuong is gone. I was helping co Gaio and Claudia move his cold body and helped them put clothes on him and it was so heartbreaking. I keep thinking about when it will be my dads time. I am hoping it will be another 20 years or more. I thought about how he won’t see his grand children and Andrew and Claudia kids won’t have a grandpa. I remember standing there for a min I closed my eyes and send him some early vibes and just wish his soul was in peace. I watched all American tonight and the killed off coach baker and it ended so sad. If is so crazy and am I wrong to have my thoughts be the one controlling me? My emotions are all over the place and I think I just want to be happy and feel what I am missing and instead I am here having to deal with my own reality that is also something I am not happy with but trying to fix and make better. I wanted to just sit and do some card readings and talk about how life is going. I wanted to go deep into my body and express everything i am feeling. I asked her if she was ok with that and she said that Alex was waiting for her to talk more and something inside just sank. All the things i wanted to say and talk about just got filled with negative thoughts and it was so hard to shake. Then she gave me a real hug and holy shit my body felt electrocuted. I felt so much energy and love and the way she smelled omg i miss that so much. I want that so much. I just want to be hugged and held and loved. I want to give that hug and love and at the same time feel it back so much. I swore she felt something also but that might just be me wishing. What i want now is just my best friend my soulmate my wife to just be around me in silence or to talk its all i want is that to much to ask for? 

Some days my adult self just wants to stop loving her so much because it would just be easier. It would just be easier to not love. I think thats why people are so scared to be in love. Because to be in love you have to worry about what it feels like to lose that love. But each time i close my eyes and ask my body and then o follow my heart and it opens up this part of me that is full of love and happiness and hope and all the good things that i have in life. Love really is freedom. Freedom to feel everything all the good and the bad because love is not just rainbow and butterflies it also dark times and flawed times and there is only one constant and thats the person you choose ti feel everything with. The person you first think of when something good or bad happens. The person that you know just make everything ok and better in life. One day maybe that person will not be TAM for me but i dont want it to not be her. I love taking care of her when she is sad and sick and doing bad. I just also want to be with her when things are good and happy and amazing. I dont even know what i am writiing these are just all thoughts in my head that are driving me crazy. 

I have charlie here and i think he loves me too. 

I think I really wanted tam here so I didn’t have to think these thoughts. I figured if she was here next to me I could sleep better and less sad and depressed. I know it’s temporary but I just need that. I need a bandaid after a day like today. I wanted to be present and talk and avoiding writing what I am writing because I’d I don’t write it then I’m not really feeling or thinking this. The things in my head drives me crazy. My therapist says I need to acknowledge them and go easy on myself and don’t judge myself but it’s really hard.

Tam is with Alex now and its hard to not think about how they are together. And how i wish she was here with me doing the things i think she is doing with him but with me instead. I cant sleep i cant think straight it hurts so much. I get to be here taking care of kids of our old house and she is out there with another man doing exactly what i wish i could be doing with her. I know these are thoughts just in my head and i know she is happy and doing her own thing and these are things i do not control . I always knwo i control my own thoughts and how i feel and what i do. Each day each time this is what happens. I so hard and today with the death of my uncle and the bad news. It just not what i want to be thinking about. Its also Valentines days one of my fav holidays thats suppose to be full of love and happiness but today i feel like its not. I know she came over because there i part of her that still loves me and i love that it still there but is it wrong to want more?is it wrong to wanna give more and be more and wish for more? I am so tired of this process but i know if i want it in the end i have to be strong and i have to be resilient and i have to prove to her i wont give up. I am rebuilding the foundation of this from the rubble that i have caused it to be and i am not ready to give up no matter how hurt and how hard and how much pain i feel. Some days i feel the light and some days i dont but i need to concentrate on the light and not the dark and its the only way i get through to myself. Tonight i feel very depressed and alone and sad . and all i want is to be held and said told eveting will be good and you will be able to fix things. You will get all you want again just dont give up. 

I am not going to give up on ME. i am not going to give up on our Children. I am not going to give up on Tam . and i will make this life better again for everyone. 

Tonight i lay here with so many emotions but i am tring my hardest to concentrate on the HOPE that today was meant to happen the way it did so that later it will be better. I have to believe that else i would just want to not live anymore. I have to live for what i am going to manifest. 

I can stop thinking about how She smells. It was by far the best part of the day. 

Til next time,

-Henry

[langlang-written]

Penzu entry #5 02-01-23

Yesterday was a really bad day. Ive been dealing with those my entire life, but i havent dealt with those in a while. I thought it was a normal bad day but it wasnt. I got fired from a job that i really wanted to keep. It was unusual for me to want something this much and yet i have failed miserably. Ive failed my younger self of wanting to maintain stability but no matter how hard i try, chaos always tries to find me.

That instance was the first time i wanted to quit a job but came back. Little steps forward but theres always one big step back. This just serves right on how i should just stop and end it all. But surprisingly, i didnt lay out a plan of killing myself. Usually, i would cut myself or try to hurt myself by drinking alcohol or do something stupid, but i havent. And im glad i didnt. Its hard dealing with pressure and adding more into it is the worst. 

Id like to say somewhere along the lines of it was the universe way of telling me it was never meant to be, but i really dont believe in fate. Maybe it was a lesson learned the hard way. And that all of the people i met, the relationships i built in that job (to which i have deeply treasured) was a hard earned lesson. It hurts physically. I wish we could still keep in touch but its not how the world works. I really do wish things took a different turn, but wishing is all i could ever do.

Last night i had a dream that i went back and everything fell right into place perfectly. But thats not reality. Reality is shit. And we got nothing to do but deal with it. 

I know the people who ive met in this job are never going to read this but i wanna dedicate this journal entry to them. I really wholeheartedly and fucking love you. I hope all the things you've hoped for in life are coming true, cuz despite things not going well for me, I still believe in hope that things will get better. I will miss you all so much and i wish the time they had given us was a bit longer. No worries, i will see you in another opportunity!

Bye world.

[sleepygaymerdisease]

ok you know what actually i cant shut up so here we go. SPOILER WARNING (for kamen rider ryuki and this stupid special)

ok first of all, im just gonna have to ignore how flawed the rtr premise is. the crossover bits made like no sense to me but i dont know those guys so i wont talk about that. what does bother me is this like, fundamental misunderstanding of the mirror world and how it functions. it's intentionally mysterious in nature and a lot is left unexplained in the original show, sure, but that doesnt mean that there arent any rules to its logic. it's meant to be a tool for the narrative. it has a metaphorical function to talk about the cycles of violence. and like, okay i guess inoue tried to make it about that, but it still doesnt make any sense? the original show is basically like "i think that violence can solve all my problems, because i cant imagine anything else, so i dont care about the casualties that are required to grant my wish, and therefore im fine with making riders fight each other to the death." this one tries to be, like, "sorry, but i think violence might work for some reason, to stop some other guy who's killing but that's wrong because violence is always wrong, so im gonna have you guys kill each other until only one remains so you can then kill the evil killer. sorry." literally what's the point. the person in charge hates the violence and the riders arent even doing this to grant their own wish anymore. like what? shinji as a character tends to value other people's wishes, so it does end up working out for the girl, but what would the plan have been if literally anyone else won? why would they want to keep fighting after all that? why would they go against this other bad guy? why would they care about the wish of someone who just made them kill? why would they keep killing? why would they trust this narrative? makes no sense. it's even worse if you assume that someone like asakura (etc) won, because then theres a chance that they'll just keep killing innocents. the riders don't even get to fight for their own selfish reasons anymore, either. it's all built around fighting for someone they dont know to stop someone they dont know for the sake of the greater good. congrats for missing the entire point of ryuki. "lets just get rid of the whole wish thing" are u serious.

it also makes me mad because i actually really like amnesia plots but this was all done so badly it makes me want to scream. there was seriously no point to it at all for this special. like. god. it was literally done so the characters could he grouped together like dolls and so their brand new drama would have no stakes or real personal attachment to it. and it doesnt even apply to all the characters either?!?!!? goro and asakura knew EXACTLY what was up the entire time and thats unexplained. and guess what. their dynamic was the most compelling part of the entire special. it turns out that characters knowing and hating each other and decieving each other can actually be really interesting but nooo inoue doesnt want to deal with any of the canon events or memories or relationships of characters unless he likes it. it's so obvious that he doesnt value the story itself. it actually would be interesting if the characters' memories were messed with if it was done well. could you imagine? feeling the need to fight but not remembering why? slipping into the familiar groove of violence that you shouldn't have the muscle memory for at all in this lifetime? or, even better, thinking that the fight is still on? as if the ending didnt happen at all? still desperately fighting for your wish again, and slowly having to realize that it's not real? that those are thoughts and feelings that you are borrowing from you that doesnt exist anymore? that you dont need that wish at all? that you already got your happy ending? and what about the anger in discovering that your memory was tampered with? where's their rage at the one who traps them, who continues this cycle of violence that was supposed to be broken? what about the borrowed grief of their past lives, unsure if theyre feeling it all over again or if theyre a bystander of their own misery? and what about the grief at knowing their current lives are being dismantled all over again, that they can truly never quit? what about the hopelessness at realizing that they dont even get to grant a wish at the end of all this senseless violence? instead of using the amnesia as a tool to elaborate on the previous events of the show its used to deliberately shove everything aside to ignore it, and things are only brought up again via flashbacks for brief moments of dramatic flaire.

also yami shinji as a concept is also interesting but done absolutely terribly. it makes me mad that inoue made this concept but keeps dropping the ball. its not even that hard to have an evil version of the main character but he fumbles it 3 separate fucking times. ohh my god. yami shinji might be from the mirror world but you have to explain what that actually MEANS for shinji as a person and why this is a reflection of shinji and not just an entity that wants to escape that also just happens to look like him. it would be interesting if yami shinji was supposed to be a manifestation of shinji's greatest fears. he could be a version of the protagonist who makes the decision to finally and truly give into violence without any remorse. and that's kind of what inoue was going for but it has to be more obvious that this like externalization of an internal conflict is like actually something that shinji has truly considered. WHICH MAKES ZERO SENSE WITH THE AMNESIA PLOT. if your protagonist is a blank slate who doesnt remember anyone and doesnt have any internal conflict and doesnt have any motivations anymore and doesnt have any hesitation about his actions and hasnt gone through even a sliver of the hero's journey, then what the fuck is the narrative foil doing here??!?!?

this post is getting too long sorry. tldr: this was incredibly, spectacularly terrible. fixing this would require starting from the very beginning because the entire premise is at odds with the show itself, but even on top of that nearly every single writing choice and character interaction makes no fucking sense at all.

inoue really does everything in his power to undo the ending of the original show and replace it with the worlds shittiest fanfiction. "what if this time everyone lost their memories so their relationships with each other were completely different and they had to kill each other for completely different reasons so they had different motivations too" congrats! you have made something else.

[strangerthings-01]

Jealousy,jealousy

Summary: things get intense when you see Chrissy and Eddie out in your spot in the woods

Involves: angst, cussing

I take requests!!!

Hint the Olivia Rodrigo song lol.

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Chrissy fucking Cunningham. That’s who you caught your boyfriend, Eddie munson with in the woods, in your spot. It wasn’t a secret seeing as most kids went out there for drug deals and smoking which was what he was probably doing but it was still a spot for you and Eddie. Something special and he was alone with another girl.

You weren’t supposed to be meeting him today but You wanted some serenity and peace so you decided to go out there to that spot in the woods. Where there lay a rusty old wooden bench, Trees surrounding the secluded area for miles.

You had followed the trail to where it met the opening when you stopped dead in your tracks, slipping behind a tree to truly realize what you were seeing.

Eddie was sitting down at the table, the familiar metal box full of weed sitting closed on the rotted wood. A blonde girl sat across from him, ponytail bobbing as she laughed at something he said. She didn’t have to turn around for you to know it was Chrissy. You could hear her voice and you knew the way she laughed. The obnoxious way she laughed.

“You’re not what I thought you’d be.” She said in a quiet voice, fidgeting with her skirt. He leaned his head on his hand and smirked. “Mean and scary?” She giggled and nodded. “Yeah…” he shrugged and sat up straight again. “Well you’re not what I thought you’d be either. I was terrified of you and now I’m selling drugs to you. Guess we both made wrong assumptions.”

She laughed again, smoothing out her skirt, something she tended to do when she was nervous. “Yeah I guess so. Wait you were terrified of me?” She gasped, giggling as she did so causing you to roll your eyes.

“Oh yeah. But I don’t think so anymore. I guess because you’re like one of the prettiest girls at school so why would a girl like you associate with me?” You felt a pang in your heart as the words slipped past his lips. You were supposed to be the prettiest girl in his eyes.You felt tears form in your eyes but tried to keep them back.

“Don’t say that. You’re a good guy. I wish I would have realized that soon.” She reached across and touched his hand and he made no move to reject it. “Yeah well being around Jason carver doesn’t help. If you hung out with us, you’d do a lot better.”

You scoffed to yourself and felt anger replace the annoyance you felt earlier. Anger and sadness filled your heart to its core as you stomped off out of the forest, making sure they knew someone was there, watching their secret little interaction. Chrissy had a major crush on Chrissy and Eddie apparently didnt see it which frustrated you but the fact he was openly flirting with her in your spot made you furious.

You drove to the video store after making it to your car, keeping yourself in check until you were buckled in and then the tears started coming. They wouldn’t stop for a couple minutes until you were completely dried out and then you composed yourself. You couldn’t let it affect you like this. You needed to confront him but a big part of you wanted to ignore him, make him come to you.

So you went to ask the only person you knew who would know the most rational thing to do, Robin. She didn’t have much experience with relationships yet she knew everything about them. It was strange really but more comforting than you thought.

You parked in front of the store and then shut the engine off before getting out and walking into the store, the bell dinging announcing your arrival. “Hi welcome to- oh hey Y/N.” A wide smile coming onto her face instead of the fake customer service smile she gave you at first.

“Hey…I hate doing while you’re working but I really need advice. Can you get Steve out here too?” Steve was like a big brother and would basically kill someone for you if motivated. Robin nodded and yelled back, causing you to slight jump at the sudden sound. “Steve! Get out here! Our girl is here and in need of help!” A crashing sound made its way across the store causing you to giggle and Robin to roll her eyes at his clumsiness.

He came out a few seconds later Huffing. “Sorry ran into a shelf. What’s up? Did someone hurt you? I’ll hunt them down. Make my words I swear I’ll-.” Robin put a hand to his chest making him shut up. “Calm down tiger. Let her talk before we threaten to kill people.” You chuckle and walk up to the counter, thankful the store was empty and hop up onto it, feet dangling over the edge. “So I uh caught Eddie and Chrissy out by our spot in the woods…” you saw both Steve and Robin tense and quickly finished before they made their final assessments. “He was doing a drug deal but that’s our specula spot. And he called her the preitedtt girl in school and she touched his hand and made no movement to reject it…” You wrung your hands together as your two best friends stared at you.

Steve tore his name tag off and tried to leave the counter but Robin dragged him back. “Uh-uh. No sir. We are working. It’s definitely not okay, girl. I would be hurt too. But I would talk to him. Confront his ass. Make him admit and make him apologize. Drug deal or not, a special space is reserved for certain people.” You nodded, sucking in your bottom lip to slightly chew on it. “I think I should beat him up. And show him what a real man is…” Steve said, hands on hips. “Okay mom.” Robin rolled her eyes again causing a scoff to come out of Steve. “I don’t think violence is the answer. Seriously hun just confront him. I know it hurts and you’re probably scared it was something more but it’s the only way you’re gonna know.” She gave you a comforting look.

You sighed and nodded, looking down at the counter. “Or you could just ignore him and get him to man up.” Steve suggested. “Because he’s coming in right now.” He scratched the back of his head. “What!?” Your head snapped up and to the side, seeing Eddie walking up to the door. “Just my fucking luck.” You mumbled and jumped down just as he was coming into the store. He looked up and made eye contact with you, a smile forming on his face at the sight of you which made you want to forgive him right then and there but you knew better. God you were sick of yourself and would rather be anyone else at this point.

He walked up to you and went to put an arm around you but you pulled away not wanting him to touch you. His smile dropped and he looked at you concerning covering his face. “Hey you okay babe?” You decided to lay it on him right there not caring that Robin and Steve were watching. All your nervousness faded in the moment knowing he wasn’t going to tell you he was with Chrissy. “No I’m not okay. But you and Chrissy seemed perfectly okay and comfy out in our spot today.” You heard your two friends gasp and you fought the urge to smile at your own behavior.

Eddie’s face dropped completely. “Y/N. I can explain that.” You did smile at that point, but there was no humor or happiness there. “I don’t need you to. I know you were doing a drug deal. But you were very cuddly out there with her. Surprised you didn’t kiss.” You sneered. “Baby let’s talk about this in private.” He whispered, going to grab your hand. You yanked it away before he made contact. “No. We can talk about it right here. What? Embarrassed in front our friends because you fucked up?”

“Y/N I’m not fucking playing with you.” He grabbed your arm and made you walk out of the store. You saw Steve making his way out from behind the counter but you put your hand up to say it was okay before you exited the store. As soon as the door shut, Eddie turned to you. “Okay I get you’re upset but trying to cause a scene. What the fuck?” He glared at you, hands fisted at his sides. “So you can recognize I’m upset and instead of apologizing, you’re trying to pull something on me? Wow.”

Eddie groaned and shut his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath before he opened them again. “God you’re infuriating. If you had just talked to me when we left, I wouldn’t be trying to pull something. But making a scene isn’t fair.” You shook your head, sucking in your lip then releasing it. “Making a scene…well when I see my boyfriend out in our favorite spot with another girl flirting. Yeah I’m gonna cause a scene.” Your voice cracked towards the end, the angry facade fading away faster than it arrived.

His face softened hearing your voice and he sighed. “Baby I wasn’t flirting with her. She was nervous and I was trying to calm her down so she would buy.” You shook your head. “I would believe that if it weren’t for the fact that you called her the prettiest girl in the school. What a way to make your girl feel good. Just leave me alone Eddie. I’m sure Chrissy would love you company.” You quickly got into your car and shut down the door. Eddie leaned down to see you through the window. “Baby hey let me explain. I didn’t mean it the way you thought I did. You know i think you’re the most beautiful girl in my eyes.”

You rolled down your window after starting your car. “No eddie. Because if that’s what you thought, you wouldn’t have told another girl the same thing. And if I hadn’t seen you guys, I  guarantee you wouldn’t have told me and I would have been clueless. So for once just back off and let me think.” You saw the hurt fill his eyes as well as regret but he stepped back and let you pull out and drive off.

You made it home and went inside ignoring your parents question on your day was. You ran up to your room and slammed the door and threw yourself onto your bed, letting all your emotions go.

You felt stupid letting something like this getting to you but he took Chrissy to your spot. You and Eddie had a lot of intense and loving moments there and it broke your heart knowing that spot was just opened to another girl. It didn’t matter that it was a drug deal for Eddie. It made you feel like shit knowing she was sitting in your spot across from your man.

You cried into to your pillow for a while before nothing else came out and exhaustion took over, causing you to sleep for the rest of the night.

By the time you woke up, it was time to get ready for school. You considered not going for two reasons. 1. You were extremely tired. 2. You didn’t want to see Eddie right now. You were still so hurt and didn’t know if you could handle it but it was Friday and then the weekend would be here so you pushed yourself to get up.

You put on Eddie’s hellfire shirt he let you have along with ripped jeans and then tied up the shirt so it didn’t hang too loose. You knew Eddie loved seeing you in his shirt so it wasn’t a lie that you were trying to get him to see you and know he fucked up.

You left your hair down and grabbed your keys after putting your converse on and leaving the house, heading to your car. You slid in and started it then pulled out of the driveway and made the drive to school.

Once you made it to school, you parked the car and got out making your way inside the school. You saw Eddie with his hellfire groupies and tried to walk fast past them. Any confidence you had vanished seeing Eddie.

Eddie saw you and his stomach turned seeing your in his shirt. “Hold that thought.” He said to dustin who was rambling about something with Suzie. He ran over to where you were and grabbed your hand. “Hey can we talk?” You turned around and he let go of your hand not wanting to push you past your comfort. “Yeah…” you said quietly.

Just as he was about to start whatever speech he had prepared, Chrissy came up with a smile on her face and tapped his shoulder. “Hey eddie. I just wanted to thank you for being so kind to me yesterday. And the stuff helped so I appreciate it.” Her eyelashes fluttered. He looked between you and Chrissy trying to figure how to approach the situation. “No problem Chrissy. Anytime.” She smiled shyly. “I was thinking and wanted to ask if you would want to go out sometime?” You scoffed and backed up. “Are you fucking kidding me bitch?”

Chrissy and Eddie both looked at you in surprise. “You know damn well he’s with me. What the hell is wrong with you? God you’re entitled.” Chrissy’s eyes widened. “Woah I didn’t know. I’m sorry but Eddie also offered for me to hang out with you guys. I guess I got the wrong idea. I’m sorry.” Eddie looked at you bewildered. “Y/N calm down. That was not necessary.” You face dropped. You couldn’t believe he was defending her. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter.” You turned on your heels and walked away, ignoring his calls for you.

You clenched your jaw and tried to stop the tears that threatened to spill over your eyes. You went to your first period and was thankful when there was a sub. You just put your head down and ignored everyone around you. The next few classes were miserable and focusing on work was hard but you pushed past.

By the time lunch came, you hoped things would be okay because this was your time to be with Eddie but when you walked in, you saw Chrissy in your spot at the hellfire table. Your breath caught in your throat and you lip quivered but you bit on it to stop it. You grabbed your lunch and looked around for somewhere to sit that wasn’t at the table. There was other spots at the same table but Chrissy didn’t belong there and you wanted your spot by your boyfriend.

You found a mostly empty table and sat down by yourself, picking at your food after you sat down. You didn’t eat a single bite and just stared off, not even bothering to look at the table. You saw someone sit in front of you and looked up. Making eye contact with Eddie, you sighed, not having the energy. “Just stop. If you want to hang out with Chrissy I’m not gonna stop you.” He looked at you sadly. “She’s not there anymore. I told her she had to go. That it was hellfire members only and that seat was yours. She left. Come over baby.”

You shook your head. “Lunch is almost over anyways. It’s fine.” He stood up and walked over to you and before you could question what he was doing, he picked you up. You gasped and he threw you over his shoulder. “Eddie I swear to god put me down!” Your face flushed with embarrassment. People were starting to stare. “No. You’re being jealous. It’s cute but kind of annoying.” He carried you out of the room despite teachers telling him to put you down. He finally set you down once you were in the secluded hallway. “I wonder why I’m being jealous. Why don’t you tell me why babe.” You said sarcastically.

He glared at you. “Stop it. I know why you’re upset and I’m sorry. I really am baby. I’m an idiot and a bad boyfriend. I shouldn’t have taken her to our spot. I don’t know why I did and when I realized I felt like shit but we were already out there.” His face softened the more he talked and you crossed your arms, hearing him out. “I love you sweetheart. You’re it for me. Chrissy is very pretty but you’re drop dead gorgeous. I let her know I couldn’t hang out with her unless you were there and she understood. I will make us a new spot that no one will ever be allowed to go beside you. Do you think you can forgive me, honey?” You looked away and sighed, trying to think of a response.

“If you don’t, I’m gonna tickle you.” You looked at him and glared. “That’s blackmail.” He raised his eyebrows and when you didn’t say anything, he shot forward and started trickling your sides. You started laughing and squirming. “Okay okay! I forgive you!” You giggled and he stopped immediately then pulled you to him and and hugged you. “Good. I really am sorry baby.” You nodded and buried your face in his chest. “I know. It’s okay.” He rubbed your back and rested his head on yours. “Well I’ll take you to our new spot today after school. Sound good?” You nodded against him and he kissed your head.

The bell rang which signaled lunch was over and you and Eddie walked to your next class together. “You’re cute when you’re jealous.” He chuckled and you hit hit his arm. “Shut up.” You said and he wrapped an arm around you waist and walked inside the classroom with you.

The rest of the day went by fast and it was a good end to the day. Eddie ended up taking you to a spot by lovers lake where there was a log that sat perfectly in between the trees to where the lake was visible from where you sat. It was beautiful and you couldn’t ask for anything better than to sit there watching the sunset with the love of your life.

[yandere--stuck]

Bad Blood - Yandere!Batman x Reader x Yandere!Joker

It wasn't just The Joker who had been watching you. And to a point, you were aware of that.

After all, that just came with the territory of being a minor celebrity within Gotham city. It wasn't often that those considered "famous" in Gotham didn't either have connections to the mafia or were locked up within Arkham or Blackgate. 

As a reporter, you were watched on the news, on the streets - occasionally approached by fans, at parties where you mingled with your peers or made connections. All rather normal, really.

But, there were times when you could just feel it in your bones. You were being watched.

Like in the dark of night, the moon following you on your walk home. Alone. When the light from street lamps bathed everything in orange. The streets empty, the occasional car zooming by. It was then that you had felt watched.

It was understandable, something innate in humans, to feel frightened of the dark and the paranoia of being alone. Our imaginations run wild, and we trick ourselves into thinking that there's something out there with us. Someone following our every move, hiding just out of sight. But, no matter how many times you swore you were being watched, nothing ever happened. No muggings, no stalkers, no threats. When you got back to your apartment, unlocking and then re-locking all six of the locks on your door, you were able to let out a sigh of relief - it was just your own paranoia getting the best of you. You weren't being followed. You could relax, knowing that it was all in your head.

But, it wasn't.

Your paranoia wasn't unfounded. The shiver of your spine at the feeling of being watched wasn't your mind tricking itself. But, of course, even when you'd turn around to try and spot someone, something, you hadn't been able to see him. He had hid in the shadows and crouched atop rooftops, keeping watch over you.

He had done so every night. The moment you left the studio, to when you started your walk, and then headed home. He even stuck around to peer through your window, making sure you were truly safe. It wasn't something any of the Robins or Oracle knew about - it wasn't something they had to know. Well… It's not like he exactly lied about what he was doing during the alotted time of your walk home. But, he also didnt want to admit it, either - not that he thought what he was doing was wrong, but… He just didn't want anyone to be worried. To get the wrong idea. And it rarely took time out of his nightly patrol, just fifteen minutes. It wasn't a big deal.

He was just protecting you. That was just his job. He was supposed to protect the people of Gotham. To protect you. He just had a… Fixation, that's all. And when Bruce gets fixated on something, it's like pulling teeth for him to keep away.

Bruce met you like he does with most reporters - at a charity event. He had seen your stories on the news a few times beforehand, and braced himself for the usual song and dance - Vicki Vale trying to score something on the record for something much juicier and personal than the cause he was donating to, or perhaps Jack Ryder trying to rile him up to get him to throw a fit for a story. He was pleasantly surprised, however, when you treated him like an actual person. Sure, it could be that you were off the clock - but really, when were reporters ever really off the clock?

Most people would bend over backwards to get themselves into Brice Wayne's good graces. But, you… You talked to him like he was no different than anyone else. Maybe a bit reserved, but you had only just met, after all. In spite of this, Bruce found himself able to relax, chatting with you about the party, about your days up to then, your different careers. Bruce felt like he could actually be himself. With you, he wasn't Batman, nor was he billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. He was just… Himself.

Him and you.

He decides to stick by your side most of the evening, you and him talking long into the night. About your lives, your worries, your hobbies, your interests. It had been so long since he talked about such personal things with someone, even Alfred. And you understand. You understand his worries of responsibility, the weight of the world among his shoulders, you understand the suffocation of isolation, you under his inability to move on from the trauma of his past, try as he might. You understand. Of course you do…

You acted as someone to vent to. A listening ear. You offered up advice, even if you might not have the right answers to his problem. Sure, you might not know the full extent of his stress, but it's the thought that counts. It's almost like this night was made for you and him. 

Something like, fate - that is, if Bruce had actually believed in something like that.

After that night, he found himself making a point to watch you on the news. The way you talked on the television is how you talked with him that night. Personable, comfortable, familiar. You might not be talking to him directly, but it warms his heart and staves off the icy chill of loneliness.

He went out of his way to find you during other important, publicized events. Most likely, you probably thought it was a coincidence that you kept finding yourself in his company. You most likely thought him as just an acquaintance, nothing more… But, oh, you meant so much to him.

And, oh, when you talked about Batman? Knowing that it was him you were talking about (even if you had no idea)... He'd be lying if it didn't make him a bit flustered. Your praises, the way you saw him as an inspiration, hoping after every mission that he was alright… And when you look into the camera and say to him, to Batman, through the screen, that you wish him a nice night and to be safe…?

God. He was smitten. And, really, that was his biggest mistake.

Feelings just made things complicated. He had learned that a long time ago. That everything he touched and loved was inevitably destroyed. It's why he works alone more often than not. He doesn't want someone getting hurt because of him ever again. Bruce has enemies, and Batman has even more. 

Even if he had tried to reach out to you as Bruce, as himself, who's to say you would have wanted to be with him? Why would someone like you want Bruce Wayne - someone who most of Gotham portrayed as an immature playboy who never got over the death of his parents. While the second part wasn't exactly wrong, the whole playboy thing was just a diversion. But, how in the hell was he supposed to explain that?

It was easier to just let you go. You'd be happier, and more importantly, safer without his presence in your life.

So, he satiated himself on watching you, protecting you from the shadows, and kept himself sane by rewatching footage of you he's stashed within your home and around your apartment building. If he adored you from afar, that wouldn't hurt anything, right?

… But now, he's wishing he had just taken the chance. He had been good, had left you alone.

And he watched as the helicopter you were in was shot down. Watched as the recording cut off. Heard as you screamed at the top of your lungs. He replayed what he had seen over and over in his mind, losing himself. Bruce had gone so tense in disbelief and grief and rage that by the time Alfred had brought him back to reality, his nails had dug into the armrest of his loveseat.

He had insisted to himself later that night that  investigating the scene of the crime wasn't fueled by personal connection or any feelings he may have. It was Batman's job. And if he ignores all the other bodies in favor of one that is presumed to be yours, it's just because he notices something different about it from the other's, that's all.

The body was decomposed far beyond that of the others, and had been exposed to the elements longer than the others. And to add onto that, the DNA sample Bruce had collected was matched with a body that had been gone missing from Gotham General.

Bruce's heart fluttered with hope and relief. You were alive, you had to be. But, just as quickly, realization crashed into him. If you were alive, it's only because Joker wanted you to be.

... What was he doing to you?

---

You stared down at the meal the Clown Prince of Crime had prepared for you - well, if you could call heating up a frozen dinner "preparing". It's not like you were exactly in a place to complain, though, considering the predicament you were stuck in.

Counting the time you had spent unconscious and Joker getting you situated and up to speed, it was most likely a few hours since the incident. You were feeling rather hungry… But, in spite of all of The Joker's lovey-dovey talk, you weren't quite sure if you could trust him to not serve you poisoned food. Even worse, however, was that you were still tied up - meaning the clown had to feed you, and you were even more unsure that he wouldn't kill you if you refused to eat.

In spite of the circumstances, and the dingy place you were trapped in, it wasn't exactly the worst. Hell, Joker had even lit up some candles for some mood lighting. Not exactly the worst "date", you had been on, sadly enough.

"Ready for some grub?" The Joker lurched into view, straightening his tie as he shot you a grin. "You must have worked up quite an appetite by now, considering all the excitement!"

You smiled in return, hoping it didn't look too strained as you nodded. You watched as he got his utensils ready, cutting up some of the food into smaller bites. You kept especially close attention on the hand holding a knife - though, it wasn't like you had any way to flee if he had decided to turn it on you.

The Joker stabbed at the food with a fork, setting down the knife, as he moved to raise your meal to your lips, while you attempted not to turn your head away. The fork approached closer and closer, and you tried to rid your mind of awful thoughts, like an eye being ripped out of its socket, implanted on the fork's tongues. But, then, The Joker suddenly stopped.

"Oh, silly me! I almost forgot," The Clown Prince set down the utensils, digging into the inside of his suit. With a flourish, he unveiled a bright, colorful, and clearly plastic flower, holding it out to you. "A present for you, m'dear! Go on, take a whiff."

You shook in your seat. Oh, God. You knew exactly where this was going. He had played you this whole time, like predators played with their food. He had made you think he had developed this obsession with you and managed to lull you into a false sense of security. And just when you were sure you were going to make it out of this situation alive, he planned to hit you with his trademark laughing gas and watch as you died.

You held back tears, shivering with fear and despair. And The Joker looked so happy, so encouraging. You were going to die. You had hit the end of the road.

You leaned forward, taking a breath through your nose-

And jumped, letting out a scream as the ceiling caved in, a dark figure crashing through. You whipped your head to face it- and winced as a small stream of water hit your cheek. Blinking once, twice, three times, you slowly turned to the clown and the trick flower in his hand.

Oh. So, it was just a regular trick flower. Not a deadly one. Okay. Okay, yeah. Sure. Great.

Groaning softly, your whole body went limp. You hung your head, shaking it slowly. Whatever. Whatever happened next, you didn't care. You were too exhausted.

"Aw, c'mon, Bats! Don'tcha know it's rude to upstage someone's act?" Joker asked. "Besides, you weren't invited to our little date night..."

...Batman?

From your periphery, you could see it. See him. 

Oh, thank God. Thank fucking God. You were saved! Batman was going to save you!

All the tiredness seemed to instantly fade as you were overwhelmed with adrenaline and relief. You were saved. You were saved. Batman was going to save you. Batman was going to protect you and make sure you were all right. You didn't have to worry or be scared anymore. Batman would do all of the worrying for you.

"You broke out of Arkham, killed innocent people, and kidnapped the sole survivor after almost killing them, as well," Batman seethed, his voice a growl. "You're going back to Arkham, and I'll be taking them with me, where they'll be safe."

"Hey! First off, the whole helicopter thing wasn't me, it was one of my boys. Well… To be fair, I had intended on killing them when we downed the thing, but eh, two birds with one stone, I suppose. I wouldn't even have been mad about it, if my darling reporter here hadn't almost been hurt in the crash," The Joker moved behind you, making you seize up as he grasped your shoulders, massaging them slightly. "And really, Bats, if this is some kind of jealousy thing, you could always just ask to share."

"You're insane." Batman spat.

"Babes, you really need to get some better material," The Clown tutted. "And I was being honest! I'm actually trying to communicate here," You were suddenly spun around, locking eyes with your hero. You shuddered as the Joker nuzzled you from behind, unable to stop your face from heating up. "What do you think, darling? How's about a three-way date with me and the big bad Bat?"

"I… I-I-" You stuttered, unable to get a coherent thought put as you burned with embarrassment.

Could anyone blame you for having a little  crush on Batman? You'd bet a good majority of Gothamites felt the same toward their dear Dark Knight. Hell, you'd even bet that some of the Rogues that the Caped Crusader went up against had feelings for him. It was pretty obvious the Joker did, at least.

And the Joker… He was a monster. A criminal. But, the time you've spent with him… Well, you could better understand how Dr. Quinnzel fell for the man. Despite your knowledge of the horrible crimes he committed, the way he treated you so kindly, it was hard to not get flustered, to not feel special. It was hard to ignore his humor, his affection for you, his pet names, his sweet gestures- no, no. This- this was ridiculous. You had to stop. You weren't thinking straight.

"Get your hands off of them!" The Bat spat.

"But I don't wanna!" Joker let out an exaggerated whine, before descending into giggles. Painted lips brushed against your neck. "Besides, I don't think they want me to…"

You felt hypersensitive, the brush of the Clown's lips drawing a whine from your throat.

Your eyes shot open wide as a pained scream ripped from Joker. You turned as best you could, watching the man stumble back, clutching his hand - a batarang sticking piercing through it, blood bubbling up from the wound and dripping to the floor.

The Joker hissed, bristling with rage. "Bats, why you-!"

In an instant, Batman shot put his batclaw, the claw digging into The Joker's suit, before retracting. The Joker stumbled as he rocketed forward, his face immediately colliding with Batman's fist. Before he could fall back, the Dark Knight caught him by the throat and squeezed. The Clown wheeled and coughed in shock at the closing of his windpipe and his desperation to breathe. The Bat slowly lifted another fist - and hit the other man so hard that even you winced. You watched as Joker fell onto his back with a low groan. The Batman stood above him, glowering and breathing heavily as he looked down on his nemesis.

"Batsy, babe… Ya know I love it when you play rough, but Jesus, warn a guy first, will ya?" The Joker laughed wearily, seemingly in a daze. 

Sneering, Batman grabbed his nemesis by his coat, tossing him aside onto his stomach. His foot came down to stomp onto his arm, making the other man whimper, and the Bat reached down to rip the batarang free from his hand, and in turn, ripping a scream from Joker's throat. Pulling out a pair of batcuffs, the Caped Crusader roughly restrained the man's arms, before lifting him to his feet.

"Careful with the merchandise…" The Joker grumbled.

With a second pair of cuffs, the Bat attached one of the cuffs to the Joker's ankle, the Clown laughing as he attempted to kick at the Bat to heed his progress, and then the other to a metal support pillar protruding from the floor.

And then, in the next instant, Batman was at your side, diligently working to free you from the shackles that bound you. As the restraints loosened, you took in a deep breath before letting out a shuddering sigh. You tried to stand, only for your legs to give out from under you - you had spent so long in that position that your legs had fallen asleep - but it was okay. Batman caught you. He caught you and he held you and pulled you into a hug. A gloved hand petted your hair soothingly.

"It's okay. You're safe, you're okay," The Bat rumbled. "I've got you."

This. This was what you loved most about The Batman. As much as he was revered for the fear he struck into the heart of evil, how he acted as a phantom in the night, fighting back against the criminals that roamed Gotham in the night… What you loved most was what came after. Your interviews with survivors of criminal attacks are what made you grow a fondness for the Dark Knight. How comforting they said he was. How he reassured them, made them feel safe. When he was there, they knew everything was okay. They knew they were safe. That everything was going to be okay.

Everything was going to be okay.

And you melted into his hold.

He continued to murmur reassurances as he began to massage your legs until the static feeling went away and you found the strength to stand - and even then, he let you lean against him as you walked out into the night together.

"You'll pay for this, Bats," The Joker spat, expression dark… Until he locked eyes with you, and his visage softened. "How about same time next week, love?"

Before you could think of responding, Batman pulled out of the building and far, far away from the madman within.

---

Bruce had to fight to keep his driving steady. His body was flooded with adrenaline and his heart rabitted a mile a minute. His entire being felt electric.

He had touched you, held you. And you held him back, reassured and calmed by him. It was everything he had dreamed of. You had leaned against for support and let him help you climb into the batmobile.

He had managed to track The Joker down to one of his usual hideouts that he and Harley stayed at - an old, abandoned amusement park that had been sold to him. Well, would have been sold to him, if he hadn't killed the owner of the property before they could seal the deal.

He kept sneaking glances at you from the corner of his eye. You, resting your head against the window, eyes shut as you tried to get some rest after everything you had been through. You could rest for as long as you liked. He was here now. Bruce would keep you safe.

Bruce took his usual shortcut into the batcave, driving into a cave opening just outside the manor, and you lifted your head, startled by the sudden turn and shift in light behind your eyes.

"Batman, where are we?"

Home.

You gasped as restraints wrapped over your ligaments, tying you down to the seat.

Bruce knew this was wrong. But, after such a long career as the Batman, he had learned that he often had to do the wrong thing in order to get the right outcome. He really wished there was any other way… But, you had a target on your head now. You'd be safe with him. He'd keep you deep within the batcave and visit you often. 

You sputtered, eyes wide with shock and disbelief and… Betrayal. Bruce hated the thought of you looking at him like that. He leaned over, softly pressing a kiss to your forehead. He felt you shiver under his touch.

He'd get you settled and comfortable. He'd reveal his true self to you at some point, but that was for later. You had been through enough for one night.

"You're safe now." Bruce lied promised. "I've got you."