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Penzu entry#7 02-04-23

"How to learn to let go?"

Joji gives me peace and anxiety at the same time. What if i do decide to let go? What i decide to stay? What if i just let whatever happen? Im not sure whatever certainty is the best. But im so scared. Im so scared for myself, what if i never learn how to do basic human things? What if the time comes, everything i have will be gone, how do i learn to love myself, not again but at least a tad bit? I am so so so scared that i rather not face the unknown and just run away. I tend to pick flight responses rather than fight ones.

I miss when my mind wasnt as complex as it is now. Or maybe it was never simple, at least, for me. Taken innocence as a toddler which is far from normal. Left alone at home with no one to talk to thus developing suicidal tendencies by first grade. Again, not normal. Wish i really was though. My parents tried really hard to patch things up but some things are hard to mend. "The trauma doesnt heal, you just become a bigger person", i certainly havent reached that point yet, i hope i will though.

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I really do hate myself for developing these feelings of longing for someone i can never have. I just fucking wish things would end there. I dont want things to get complicated. But in reality, Its hard to find someone who gets you, and it really does make me tear up. Fuck, i wish things were different. The timing is always off with me. Im so confused. Im just creating unnecessary drama. And i know that everything is unrequited. Thats why its best it just remain as feelings.

I'll just go wherever the wind takes me.

Bye world.

[langlang-written]

Penzu entry#6 02-02-23

I cut myself to the beat of the music today. I find it funny and kind of relieving. Im sorry to everyone ive failed, yet again. I thought id be clean a few more months but its mentally impossible to force myself to be okay.

Not gonna lie, i find it fascinating that the more you cut the deeper it gets. It multiplies itself by a ton whenever theres pent up anger and frustration and sadness. Im really not in the best mind right now and i cant say this shit for everyone who cuts but one thing's for certain: it helps. Maybe its not the most healthy coping mechanism, but it helps. I know it doesnt make you feel better in the long run, but right now, with everything going on, its nice to experience something thats physical. Something that makes you feel finite. And that with everything going on, it makes you snap into the reality of dying. It makes me happy to know that theres an end to this suffering.

Despite all the efforts of wanting to die, i just cant bring myself to do it. Maybe i still believe in hope for a better world, and maybe its all because of the people i love. But either way, there will come a time when i would just be full of it and when that time comes, all i know is it will not be some lame attempt of suicide but something grandoise. It will be successful, however, it wont just end there. I wanna go out with a bang.

Now, i wanna sleep my worries away. It makes me feel dizzy thinking about the past, present and future so the only way out is to dream. To dream an impossible dream.

Bye world. 

[langlang-written]

Penzu entry #5 02-01-23

Yesterday was a really bad day. Ive been dealing with those my entire life, but i havent dealt with those in a while. I thought it was a normal bad day but it wasnt. I got fired from a job that i really wanted to keep. It was unusual for me to want something this much and yet i have failed miserably. Ive failed my younger self of wanting to maintain stability but no matter how hard i try, chaos always tries to find me.

That instance was the first time i wanted to quit a job but came back. Little steps forward but theres always one big step back. This just serves right on how i should just stop and end it all. But surprisingly, i didnt lay out a plan of killing myself. Usually, i would cut myself or try to hurt myself by drinking alcohol or do something stupid, but i havent. And im glad i didnt. Its hard dealing with pressure and adding more into it is the worst. 

Id like to say somewhere along the lines of it was the universe way of telling me it was never meant to be, but i really dont believe in fate. Maybe it was a lesson learned the hard way. And that all of the people i met, the relationships i built in that job (to which i have deeply treasured) was a hard earned lesson. It hurts physically. I wish we could still keep in touch but its not how the world works. I really do wish things took a different turn, but wishing is all i could ever do.

Last night i had a dream that i went back and everything fell right into place perfectly. But thats not reality. Reality is shit. And we got nothing to do but deal with it. 

I know the people who ive met in this job are never going to read this but i wanna dedicate this journal entry to them. I really wholeheartedly and fucking love you. I hope all the things you've hoped for in life are coming true, cuz despite things not going well for me, I still believe in hope that things will get better. I will miss you all so much and i wish the time they had given us was a bit longer. No worries, i will see you in another opportunity!

Bye world.

[langlang-written]

Penzu entry #4 01-30-23

My bf and i fought today. It doesnt help at all with my mental health. Its not to say he's to blame since there are always tendencies for couples to fight. I just wish we handled it in a bit more mature manner. We both want different things and not gonna lie, there are times where i want us both to part ways for our differences and individualities. But this is the only commitment i have thats been going on for so long (almost 2 years) and i dont want to waste it. I also love him but i cant do everything for him. I want to practice loving myself more  and prioritizing my feelings more, but ive also realised that its hurting him in the process.

Im very confused with where things are at for us since we never come to a resolution with our fights. Maybe the relationship is getting stronger for us, but im not entirely sure. It could be the other way around. Its like everytime we fight gets us an inch closer to destruction. 

None of us wants to waste what we have, so we deal with the motions. We deal with the fights and maybe its for the best but im not a therapist or in therapy so im always scratching my head with questions. I hope things get better for us. I hope everythings worth it, in the end.

Sigh. What a way to end our monthsary than with a bang. No flowers, no gifts, just the occassional pinoy tong-its with me at the side scrolling through my phone, went to café to drown our worries with milk tea and played overwatch 2 as a date. Its weird how its not what most people ideally want for their monthsary. i know its not what i want, but its what we had.

Hoping for tomorrow to be better.

Bye world.

[langlang-written]

Penzu entry #3 01-28-23

I hate being lonely. But i also dont want to become dependent of others. It sucks how you cant meet both at the middle, or that its hard. I keep on telling myself that its fine to feel these feelings of loneliness but what hurts me the most is that despite time passing, loneliness hits me with consistency. Ever since i was a kid, loneliness was always evident. It became a childhood best friend. I was never allowed to go outside, or to play games with kids my age. I was forced to play alone, in the solitude of my home, what my parents have built for me. 

Its not that I blame my parents for where I am today, but a pang of anger hits me everytime I see people socializing. Why wasnt I brought up that way, a shining ball of sociable sunshine? Why, as an adult, have a hard time talking with people? It's not that Im the most anti social being on the planet, im just hard to be around with. Hard to talk to, hard to live with. Hard to love.

A lot of the times i wonder why im like this. Why i was diagnosed and why i suffer from this. Come to think of it, im privileged than most people in the country. I have a not so less fortunate family, parents who love me so so much that theyd do everything for me, without hesitation, and a boyfriend who actually cares for me. One who actually loves me despite everything. One who wont back out when things get super rough. Maybe its true what they say, that childhood is the most crucial part of a human's life. With it, they develop their personality (or personalities, when things get traumatic at a young age).

I know my parents tried their hardest to raise me well, but there are just some things not within their reach. Like what happened when I was four. How I was sexually assaulted by another kid. I still dont know how I feel about what happened as I know that it mustve been passed on from generation. Now that I think of it, Its not usual for a preteen to be acting that kind of way around a toddler, unless its been taught. Its crazy, and incredibly scary. What if i raise a child who has the same circumstance as me? I would have to be super careful with who theyre talking with, who theyre around with and who they have connections with.

I pray to god (despite my agnostic tendencies) that that wont happen to my kid. To the one who i will birth, i love u to pieces. I will treasure u forever. This is why i understand how i wouldnt want to kill myself cuz my parents still exist. I know that is not what they want for me, same thing as i dont want that for my child. Or at least, soon-to-be.

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With that aside, im happy today cuz i was able to play valorant. How sweet of the world to not give me a rank down (lmao). And despite me trashtalking other people (which is not something to be grateful for) and yet losing afterwards, i am still happy. Or at least, happy at that moment. 

Thank you, universe, for giving me this day to be alive.

And for that i say,

Bye world.

[langlang-written]

Penzu Entry #2 01-28-23

Watching kdrama really isnt for me. To an extent, i get the hype but maybe it got me thinking its too good to be true. The romance, the cringe ass love languages that make me happy, its all just a fairytale. And i hate that it just ends there. No overly stressing out over what might happen to the relationship, no overthinking, and esp no real shit going on. Im not sure thats how all kdramas play out, but at least, thats how i see it.

It got me thinking maybe ill eventually like it if i pay more attention to it. Cuz we all crave for something we dont have. However, sitting down and watching it rn is not ideally for me at the moment. Seeing them (my neighbors) watch kdrama is giving me peace but me watching kdrama isnt. I do enjoy the occassional aamir khan movie (which, i know, isnt kdrama) cuz his movies speak volumes. Again, thats how i see it. Not implying that people who watch kdrama are trash , no, im happy that they enjoy things that i dont seem to enjoy. Its like being depressed and wanting to be happy cuz u see other people happy.

I suddenly have an urge to chat with an old friend just typing all of this. I miss the times where we would talk about all the hardships in life. It reminds me of the time he told me that "its easy to find people who you want to be happy with, but its hard to find the ones who you want to be sad with", and it hit so close to home. He was one of my comfort people. One who i could talk everything about. Circumstances arent always how we want it to turn out. Now, we're not talking and it hurts, sometimes physically. But with everything going on rn, its best that it stay this way.

I miss my parents. Theyre off to another world where im no longer a part of. I still love them to death, one of the few reasons why im still alive right now but theyre a million miles far from me and its hard to catch up. Again, circumstances are weird. One moment, its all okay, the next is chaos.

Might end this journal entry for now, im going to try and practice self care and eat. Ill be back as soon as life is into shreds.

Bye world.

[langlang-written]

Penzu entry #1 01-27-23

Its weird how people think things will eventually get better. Maybe its true for some but it def isnt true for me. All my life ive been living to die. And i know im not just saying that because ever since I could remember, i know that I wanted to die. Before i could spell out my name, i know that living is not what I want.

I remember group messaging everyone i knew at the time, the quote, "suicidal people are just angels waiting to go home". It resonated with me so much that i brought it til i turned 22, and that was back when I was like 12 and religious. Its been 10 years. Its weird how not much has changed since then. I still want to die. Im still depressed and Im still in misery. 

I honestly never thought life would turn out to be this bad. I mean, i know its bad. I just didnt think it would be THIS BAD. No job, no educational attainment, no sense of direction in life, and very fucking lost. Growing up i was taught that if u want to be happy in life u got to have finished school and eventually get a job. Now, it still stands true but it just doesnt apply to me. It doesnt apply to my stupidity. My lack of common sense. I wish my life was perfectly laid out, but I am completely lost. No where to go but the comfort of my family and bf. Have no real friends and no love for myself.

Maybe a way to stop the sulking is to express my thoughts to paper, hence, this. Ive been in a very bad mood these past few days and idk if its right that I quit my job to focus on myself full time. I just wish things were easier. Like me being dead. Haha!

Man i havent been this depressed since 2018. When i almost admitted myself to a mental hospital. And my parents came rushing to get me in Cebu. Thats why I had to leave my dream course. I wish i was different, things were different.

With that ends my first entry. A bit hanging, and i hope will be like me (hanging). Just kidding. Life is like that. We never know when we're going to die. Hence I put this first entry on a questionable note.

Bye world.

[langlang-written]

#3 07-07-22

I've been thinking about a lot of shit these past few days, and it has been stressful. I can feel the ache in the back of my head or kind of numbness in the same spot and it's making me dizzy and can lead me to dissociative episodes. on top of that, its making me sleepy and the energy or the willingness to do anything is lacking.

i know i can change this but its gonna require time. im scared im going to go mad especially when im in a relationship which is also a thing i can't control in itself. my mind's an absolute mess right now and i feel like im engaging it in some way. thinking about it feels like im engaging my depression in which i dont want. typing this i feel dizzy or i cant think straight which is scary for me because i was doing so well in the other entries in this journal.

(i lost my trail of thought)

(getting dizzy just thinking about it, give me 1 sec)

i watched a video earlier cuz i had a oprah winfrey video to edit and watching the video triggered some kind of needed therapy session for me. it was about sexual trauma, which also led me to write about it. as a kid, maybe around 4, i dealt with sexual trauma too. what confused me back then was that i thought it was normal. normal in the sense that everyone kisses their kids right? except i had a strong feeling it wasn't. i dont know the exact reason as to why i feel like it was wrong, maybe because i was 4 and he was about the age of 13-15, im not entirely sure, but thats a rough estimate.

my doctor said it didnt matter if its true or not, what matters is that it's affecting me, and she's not wrong. there are days i wanna just wallow in self-pity and cry but there are also days that i wanna do something about it. right now, in this day, i wanna cry. im too tired to do anything but i know that if i dont do anything i wont be able to do something about it. before, my doctor used to say not to follow what my mind says or it will control you. i wish i listened to my doctor, now it has the habit of controlling me and it's super annoying when i want to do something about it.

(to be continued later cuz im busy)

(...or not)

[langlang-written]

#2 06-23-22

i hurt my mom today. it was really bad. it came to a point where she was throwing stuff everywhere, she couldn't take the person that i am. she's not wrong and i'm not blaming her for it. i just am a shit person and that's reality. i don't think i have ever done something nice for my parents, selflessly. i always do it for the sake of praise or self-satisfaction, to make me feel good about myself. i grew up thinking i was the center of the universe, which is fucked up cuz i never was and never will be.

i guess that comes from being an only child but i don't think it's an excuse to be an asshole. to manipulate and hurt my mom in ways i don't want my child hurting me. i dont wanna sound like im throwing a pity party cuz im not. im just writing down my thoughts to at least analyze them and know what i did wrong. correct myself, and move forward.

i mean, it was all because a pair of headphones, they were broken, or it appeared broken. i told her that it could've been the dogs' fault, there were dogs in the computer shop where the headphones were. she took a closer look at it and saw no bite marks, and told me it couldnt have been. i raised my voice at her and still blamed the dogs for it. it was uncalled for, i did it out of sheer anger of what appeared to be broken headphones. she got mad and started talking about multiple things at once that were way out of topic. i pointed it out to her that it wasn't necessary to talk about which was unnecessary as well. she got even more furious. i didn't know what to do, the damage was done. there's no excuses, i meant to say that cuz i'm a fucked up person, and there's no wishing to turn back time either, i mean, if i were to turn back time i would wish i was never born. but that's not possible and it's like wishing god would exist so i just shrugged the idea of it.

she started throwing the chair away from her. and then picked it up, threw it at again in a different area, while screaming. the process repeated itself over and over for 3 minutes. i felt bad. i didn't know what to do. i was scared of going in and comforting her cuz it might end up in her physically hurting me. it's not her fault that she couldve, i deserved it. i just wish i was brave enough to accept what i deserved.

i'm sorry ma. i wish i could've done better as your child, and i will. i just hope you believe in me when i say that.

[langlang-written]

#1 06-22-22

i miss the innocence that came along with being a kid. unfortunately, as a kid, i dont think i could ever amount to be innocent. growing up it was hard to live up to everything a child could be. thoughts manifest around the idea that my innocence was taken away too early. at age 4, u come to a conclusion that what was not the norm has become the norm. that being kissed multiple times in a sexual way is what people do. my mind didn't grasp at that idea too well so that eventually led to trauma not realising that it was trauma. i became sexual at age 6, kissed my bestfriends, cousins, what not. i thought it was normal turns out i was abusing other kids as well. i made them get trauma, and that i couldn't forgive myself for. it's not that i was just a kid, he was just a kid too. probably older than me by 7+ years but he wasn't old enough to get jailed, at that time. so he was underage. quite like me. i was scared realising that at the age of eighteen, contemplating my life if i was doing good or not.

to this day, i still believe i havent been doing good. making my parents sick of how they were to me, second guessing themselves if whether or not they've done justice to my upbringing, it was never their fault, it was fate's way of telling me that i shouldn't be here. that i shouldn't be living. it was a random but minute possibility that i would exist. that a person like me would exist. although, i don't believe someone could amount to be like me, who is stupid, and useless. whose eyes have nothing but filled with anger, whose conscience wear so thin, and whose consciousness has been nothing but floating. i wish i was different. not to stand out but to blend in. it was never my intention to sound unlikeable. i tried my best to be liked, and that made me not liked. it's so funny how human brains work, one minute you're okay, everyone's okay and that no one is judging who and what for whatever reason, the next the other way where you're nothing but a mess shattered on the floor, hoping to piece back whatever it is left of you. i may be talking a lot of shit right now, but i do know one thing, and that's i was never meant to be born in the first place.