#and well this is an idea i wanted to write myslef

[soukoku-love]

I want a fanfic where Dazai is this normal obnoxious high school kid, too smart for his own good. And despite what his appearance (covered in bandages) would suggest, he is pretty popular at school for his good looks and flirtatious behaviour. And then comes his guardian, who works at a not so safe place and during a particularly dangerous time, he hires a bodyguard for Dazai.

Chuuya Nakahara, a pretty boy whom Dazai mistakes as a weak helpless kid but oh boy was he wrong. They hate each other to hell the moment they meet. They fight they bicker but in the end Chuuya protects him well and slowly a bond forms. It will be just a bit of a slow burn. With lots of soukoku moments, the buckering the insults and the trust.

[macabresymphonies]

With the news of cancellation of Good Omens S3 into a 90 minute finale I sort of find myslef reminicing about where does the border between seperating art from the artist lie.

As a preface I'm gonna say I don't have any particular attachment to Gaiman's body of work as a whole. Western comics were never really popular where I'm from outside of extremely niche circles that graduated into standard niche circles only recently, with Gaiman's visual and literary works included. So this opinion does not stem from any particular nostalgic place. As far as I'm aware the situation is currently still under investigation, but there is concrete proof that Gaimain is, by the traditional definition, no longer considered a "good person" or at least not aligning with his previous public persona. I'm not really an authority to speak on the topics involved in the scandal and I'm really here just to ramble on my own personal blog about art and artist relationship, I'll leave the rest to people who know what they are talking about. Good? Good.

I know it's easy for to denounce, degrade or disprove work made by people we find out were some sort of morally corrupt or did awful stuff in their life. This usually stems from the fact it's hard to believe someboy who's in empathetic and introspective enough to write about topics that resonate with many people so well would still choose to hurt vulnerable people around them or to generally engage in activities that mean to do harm to others.

If we take JK Rowling for example, as heartbreaking as it must have been for most fans of her works to find out about her hate campaigns and such, if we look objectively at the body of work in question it was already brought many times it was a bit problematic. Class issues, race issues, character development and morality weren't really well handeled topics in her books and the whole pedestal was really based more on the whimsy of it or mythos that people enjoyed getting immersed into. Even that was put into question with many plagarism allegations, as such, while flabbergasting from a fan's perspective, from outsider's perspective it wasn't really that thought provoking. "Bad person's books turn out to be pretty bad after all" type of situation that's pretty common among people, especially with writing that's generally consider to be "cool", but ultimetly hollow when it comes to emotional stakes.

Another thing is actors that did bad or immoral things. Generally unless an actor doubles as a writer for stuff they star in, it's not hard to imagine that they are actually wicked people behind the curtain. It was a "funny movie trivia" for years that some actors who played the sweetest most innocent characters on screen were awful when the cameras stopped rolling so it's not that hard to detach yourself from their work. Especially when you consider that it's technically not their work to begin with, just because Bratt Pitt plays an important character in Fight Club, does not mean the whole movie should be shunned, because that's just punishing other actors, director, screenwriters even the OG book's author for sins of one person who's personal life was irrelevant to the work in question.

Gaiman is a special case to me, because despite his actions, his work has been universally regarded as very emotional, empathetic and generally very introspective. I was not an avid fan but I did see merit in his work and ideas he helped create. To write stuff like that you need to be in some way selfaware of your own morality and emotions while also being an empathetic enough to be able to imagine how your characters feel. He touched upon a lot of topics, including stuff he's accused of, while also getting praised on how he handled them.

We want to seperate art from the artist and claim it's impossible only when that art relates directly to the artist's immoral deeds (like in Jeepers Creepers), but to me it's just that we don't want to consider the fact that somebody can be so introspective and emapthetic and STILL use their position to hurt people. To write about the emotional damage caused by cruelty and malice of others and then do the same is incomprensible to us and it either speaks really badly about the person or about our understanding of what it means for somebody to be a "bad person".

[hotch-stufff]

can i get angst 47 with gibbs 👁👁

Bruises

gif is not mine

Paring: Gibbs x Reader

Warnings!: mentions of abuse, angst, crying, comforting, abusive relationship, cursing, mentions of injuries from abuse

Prompt: "You flinched"

-------------

I laid on the ground, not having enough energy to stand up. I couldn't move, and God did it hurt to breathe. Probably a bruised rib, would definitely have some bruises to add to the collection.

Hopefully nothing bad enough to send me to the hospital. The last time I did that, well it was just really bad, and Darren was pissed. So pissed that when we got home, he beat me all over again.

Now I know what you're thinking. What is a federal agent doing staying in an abusive relationship like this? Truth is, I had no idea. At first it was because I thought the beatings would eventually stop, but they didn't. And after realizing they would never stop, I tried to get out. But that only left to another hospital trip and threats. The threats were the only reason that I stayed.

Darren threatened a lot of things. He threatened to beat me so bad I couldn't move. To kill me. But the worst was that he threatened to hurt my team. He knew the whole team, he knew them really well. He worked at NCIS for God's sake, just not on Gibbs team. And that was enough for me to stick around.

Of course, it should be known that it wasn't always like this. Darren was a good guy in the beginning. He brought me flowers and took me out to nice restaurants. He made time for me, and I did the same for him. But then, he didn't get the open spot on Gibbs team. I did. And it all went downhill from there.

The bruises were getting extremely hard to hide. Turtlenecks and long pants were becoming my everyday wardrobe. Which wasnt the easiest thing to work in, but foundation was expensive, and Darren spent most of our money on alcohol or cigarettes. Whatever his weekly fix was. It was ... exhausting. The front I had put up in front of everyone was tearing me down, and people were starting to notice.

Tony and Ziva, who sat closest to me would send me a concerned glance each time I winced when moving. I blamed it on muscle pain, from working out so much.

Abby would see the amount of makeup I was wearing and would ask if I was okay. Of course she just thought I was insecure. She would always tell me that I was bueatiful and that I didn't need makeup. It warmed my heart each and every time she said it.

Palmer was concerned because he had caught one of my bruises. It was on my wrist and my sleeve had rolled up slightly. He had asked about it and I had told him the first lie that popped in my head. That I had fallen. He had taken me straight to Ducky to make sure that it was actually okay. Which is how Ducky got involved.

And then there was Gibbs. Gibbs didn't ask questions, he didn't push for answers, he didn't send me concerned glances. But I was certain he knew something. He didn't know what was actually going on, because he would beat the shit out of Darren if he knew. But he just seemed like he knew something. I knew that if I was going to go to anyone about my "issue", it would be him. Gibbs had been there for me since I had joined the team. And we both had spent plenty of late nights in the office talking. Me, avoiding going home to Darren and him not wanting to go back to his empty house.

Everyone had said that Gibbs was this hard man that never opened up and remained silent most of the time. But boy once he got talking, he never shut up. We talked about eveything. And sometimes nothing, just enjoying each others presence. And if I'm honest, I may have been developing feelings for the guy. But I could never do that, because Darren would probably kill him. And that scared me more than anything.

But life seemed okay. Atleast I was the only one getting hurt.

Of course until it all came crashing down. And it had just been a normal day.

* * *

I sat at my desk, working on and endless stack of paperwork that came with each case. We had just wrapped one up, a good ending thankfully. The team was in high spirits, talking about going out to a bar tonight. But I knew Darren wouldn't have it. I had turned down the offer, instead opting to sit and do paperwork until I had to go home.

Everyone had left for the night, leaving me alone in the bullpen. My hand was a scribbling away, when I had felt the gentle tap of a hand against my shoulder. I should have been more careful, but I had thought it was Darren. So I flinched away from him and crossed my arms in front of my face.

"Y/n?" Gibbs. It was Gibbs. That was it. Just Gibbs. I instantly pulled my arms down and straightened up.

"H-hey Gibbs. What um, what can I do for you." He just stared at me, giving me the usual Gibbs glare.

"You flinched." I grimaced. Of course I did. I didn't want him to find out like this, but I guess this is how its gonna go.

"Um- I, I. Well you see Gibbs-" he cut me off.

"Is someone hittin ya?" He paused thinking, before remembering my oh so lovely boyfriend. "That son of a bitch."

"Wait Gibbs. Its not what you think." But the damage was done. He was going through everything in his mind. My clothes, the grimaces everytime I jerked around, the excuses, the late nights avoiding going home. It all made sense to him now.

"Take off your shirt." My eyes grew wide.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." There was no avoiding this, he wasn't letting me off easily. I took a deep breath before grabbing the bottom of my turtleneck and bringing it over my head. His breath hitched when he saw the bruises that littered my skin.

"My god y/n." He shook his head, running the rough pads of his fingers up and down my arms. "Gonna kill him." And he stood back up, turning quickly before stomping towards the elevator. I slipped my shirt back on and ran after him, but he was already gone. I hurried down to the parking garage and jumped in my car speeding off.

He was gonna kill him. Although who would kill who, I didn't know.

I broke just about every speeding law on the way to my house. When I got there, the door was kicked open and yelling was coming from inside the house.

"Gibbs!" I shouted, running as fast as I could. I walked in the door and gasped. There was glass littering the floor, and picture frames scattered across the ground. I walked further in the house and found them in my kitchen. Gibbs on top of Darren, repeatedly punching him in the face.

"Gibbs! Stop!" I ran to him, pulling him off of Darren. "Stop, he isn't worth it." I pulled Gibbs up by his arm and dragged him away. But he wasn't finished.

"Ya ever go near her again, you're gonna wish you were dead. We'll come back for her stuff, you better not be here when we do." I wanted to cry, to scream, to shout. But I held it in, grabbing Gibbs more forcefully and dragging him back outside.

Once outside, we hopped in his car, and he began driving back to his house. Saying I was grateful was an understatement. Grateful that it was finally over. That maybe I could sleep at night now without worrying about waking up to another beating.

The ride was driven in silence, and soon we were at his house. He got out of the car and walked inside, leaving me out here by myslef. I walked in after him.

I found him in the the kitchen pouring a glass of Bourbon. I came up behind him hugging him.

"Thank you." He froze for a minute before turning in my grasp and brining me into a tight hug. And thats what started the tears. We stood there as I cried into his chest for what felt like forever. Until he finally pulled away and cupped my face.

"Ya didn't deserve any of that. Don't know what happened, or when it started. But ya didn't deserve any of it. You are beautiful and loved and noone should ever have to be treated the way you were." He paused and I began rambling out whatever words came to my mind.

"It was you. I stayed because he threatened you. He said he would hurt you and the team and I couldn't let him." He leaned his forehead against mine. The tears pouring steadily down my face, sobs racking by body.

"Shh, shh. Sweetheart its okay." He leaned in slightly, our lips brushing slightly. And then he leaned in the rest of the way, kissing me into he most gentle way he could. So much different than the bruising kisses that Darren would give me. He broke away after a second.

"Dont know if your ready for it, but I love ya." He said softly. "We can do this, if you want. At your own pace. I just want to show you whats its like to be loved the right way." I nodded.

"I might need some time. But I love you too... Jethro." He smiled.

"Take all the time you need. But m'not leaving your side." I giggled softly as he brought me into another hug. And I stood there whispering thank yous and I love yous until we headed off to bed. I hadn't felt this safe in a long time, and I never wanted to let this feeling go.

-------------

Hope you guys enjoyed this one. I'm really enjoying writing for Gibbs. Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! Im so sorry if I don't get to your request! If you would like an idea of what to request, here is my prompt list, and if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.

[amiramorozova]

Secret PenPal within the little palace pt. 1 - The Sorting bag

I've been in the little palace for years, every year the 2nd army soldiers take turns putting their symbols and first initial in a bag and choose from it. I hear that the General refuses every year due to he's working so they choose among themselves. This went on for ten years and every time the General refused not that I cared since I couldn't participate anyway.

Last year, someone said they almost convinced the General to join in but he refused once again. I didn't join in with being the outcast of the 2nd army. One who hides as one thing when she's two so like the General I bowed out. Baghra said it was for the best but I can't hide myself forever as just a Tidemaker. Marie and Nadia all liked the idea of getting to know their fellow Grisha better and I was glad for them.

This year, the year I turned eighteen was the year I decided to join in with everything going on and when Fedyor came he handed everyone a paper. "Rules are simple, you write your Grisha symbol on the paper and you put it in the bag. I'll shake it and then we'll randomly choose." Fedyor said but then he showed an already folded paper. "This year is special, one of you will get the chance to write letters to the General. Hopefully the one you chose has your paper and has been the one writing to you."

To the General?! Why this year! I thought

I'd already drawn my two symbols and put my first initial on my paper folding it before he'd even said anything about the General. I knew that it was not going to do me much good if I couldn't hide myslef. I purposely bent the corner of my card because there were other tidemakers who had the initial A and when I looked up I saw Fedyor notice that. "You can make yours unique Amira, that way I know your card and I can bring you the letters." Fedyor said

Next we had to drop them into the bag as we watched Fedyor shake the bag well as he went around letting people draw one of the folded cards out. I watched as everyone picked one and noticed none of them were the one I had. As I watching soon it was Nadia and Marie's turn as I had insisted going last as I wanted to see who would get mine.

As I waited till Fedyor was infront of me, I got nervous but I reached in the bag and I could feel that there was only two within the bag. I felt mine so I reached for the other one and brought it out. Fedyor looked as he saw there was one in there and closed the bag and walked to where he stood in the middle. I knew that no one here had my card..that meant the General was getting mine.

"You may open your card to see who you'll be writing to. This is a good exercise to know your fellow Grisha." Fedyor said as I noticed he had a paper himself and so did Ivan.

Please don't be Ivan..I can't stand him. I thought

When I opened my card my heart about dropped into my stomach out of nervousness and slight fear on what to write. There on the card was the darkling symbol with the letter A. While I was nervous and slightly in fear, I wanted to know what the A stood for but refused to ask due to he was our General.

"Starting today, you'll be writing the person you have two days to get your first letter out. You may talk amongst yourselves now." Fedyor said as he walked away with Ivan.

The Saints are playing a joke on us...was it truly random chance that I got the Darkling's symbol and he will get mine? Did everyone else get the opposite person or is it all random? Amira thought

When everyone int he room moved off, I was just looking at mine as I covered the initial knowing the symbol alone was going to tell. Nadia and Marie both came over with a smile excited to share what they had. I looked up at them with a smile. "So who did you get?" I asked them casually as Marie showed me. It was the Heartrender symbol with S on it.  "Nice." I said as Nadia showed an Inferni symbol with a P on it. "You have an inferni." I smiled for Nadia

They looked at me expecting me to share but I blushed slightly as I laughed. "Don't freak out or make a big deal...the other Grisha girls will probably make me regret picking last." I said as they were curious. I lifted it up and opened it only partially revealing the darkling symbol on the paper. Nadia and Marie both were shocked but they nod without saying much and then we walked away the three of us to talk.

"So two days to write your first letter. What will you say?" Nadia asked as I shrugged and knew he hardly knew of my existence. Not to mention I put my true nature on the card. "I..I wrote my true nature on my card." I admitted

The gasps were loud enough as they looked at me knowing I'd hid for years but this was an opportunity to share my secret with someone. Someone I could be myself with instead of trying to figure out what to do. Only problem is my letters were going to the person Baghra kept me away from now.

"Well...he has to guess your name. You can't write it." Nadia said as I was surprise but they had done this before so they would know. "I see. Alright." I said

Aleksander's POV:

I was busy trying to figure out what to do about everything that had happened. I'd spent years away from Fedyor's idea of letters to know 2nd army better but this year felt different so I gave in. I was looking over my maps when he walked in. "General" Fedyor said as I was still looking at them. "Yes, Fedyor?" I asked

Fedyor walked over handing me the paper "This was the last one, it's one of our Grisha girls who declined last year." Fedyor said as I took it. Fedyor excused himself as I looked at the paper. All the Grisha girls I figured I already knew so what would make this one different? They all fawned over me with everything that I had done to gain their loyalty and trust.

I opened it expecting the usual thing of one symbol, as that was what a normal Grisha had was only one. Instead my eyes landed on two, one that caught my attention the most.

Sun Summoner I thought

I looked over all the records of the Grisha at the little palace but none of them were ranked as Sun Summoners. I then looked at the paper again seeing Tidmaker and looked at our Tidemaker list. Most of them I knew but there was only a select few I didn't know and on this list there was one name in particular that was familiar to me. Amira Silina

I can't spoil the rules but let's see. The person is a Sun Summoner and Tidemaker it seems with the first letter of their name being A. A two class summoner how rare...but if they're hiding they must feel isolated. I thought knowing now I just had to come up with something to write and have Fedyor take it to them.

TagList: @lifeisingrey,  @houseoftoomanyfandoms, @mizelophsun11

[juuuuunaaaaaooooo]

Pls tell me more about this post s4 fic where Ruby comes back and finds out about established brio 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I wish i could but it was just an idea...I don't write it, not even a word, only in my head but....Now i know what i'm gonna write next^^!!

Ok, so...the idea was...post season 4, Annie is out of Jail, she is free...rio helps her to go out of jail...and well brio talk about everything since they now eachother, specially about everyhting bad happen between them and in conclusion, they agree that they want the same things...being together but for that they promess to let the past, past and don't talk about it anymore....Brio established relationship, everyone is happy but.....Beth didn't tell to Ruby that she dates Rio and...surprise...Ruby and Stan come back to town, for living it again...and it's cool, but she learned that brio is a things and isn't happy at all about that!

Ruby and Stan come back because they know Beth just stop working with Rio..She lets him do his things, but they not really working together anymore, not like that.

But... Ruby gonna be very mad..and they gonna fight...And...my idea was..Beth broke up with Rio (not for long), not because she wants but because she doesn't want loose her bestfriend again and is the good things to do (wrong)

Fortunatly Annie, who is okay with brio relationship (at the end, she kind of like him...well not really but he makes Beth happy and he is not trashman, so it's enough for her), gonna have a talk with Ruby, and she gonna make her understand that Rio makes Beth happy, and it's the only things who matters, and that he never gonna hurt her or them!!!!!

After that, Ruby and Annie gonna find Rio for talking to him because he doesn't want to talk to Beth..i mean his heart is broken once again by this woman so... and because once again she didn’t choose him, but this time it’s worst because it’s more personal (sad Rio...i’m gonna make myslef cry)!!!!!

And well...Stan and Rio gonna meet and after all this angst (see what you and @bourbon-ontherocks do to me...i write angst now and a lot^^), happy ending!!! (of course)

Voilà!!

(pour quelqu'un qu'a rien écrit encore, y'a beaucoup de chose dans ma tête^^)

Thanks for your ask <3!!!!

[nonbinaryeye]

hello again Eye!! so, you know, this was coming.... can you please talk about your seemingly mermaid au? i am so excited to hear about it but im kinda afraid that its going to give me motivation to write MY mermaid au for which i already have...... an idea. if you ever DO finish it i will be here to behold it, you can count on this👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️

(also i reread your mermaid au. just because i can. and because i really am a sucker for mermaid!Elias, apparently. and GODDAMN, im saying this again, but i love your writing s o m u c h. i pAnicked at the green and gold scarf bit because. its. well. it just reminded me of the fic im writing. anyway.)

Thank you for the ask! And yes Lonely sailor and the creature of the sea is supposed to be another mercreature Elias and sea captain Peter fanfic.

As I mentioned in the past but the whole mermaid fic Captain who isn’t that lonely and mythical creature who isn’t that deadly was originally meant to be kind of epilogue of multichapter fic I would still love to write. The plot of the fic was kinda vagued there too - it is supposed to be a story of how they meet when Elias saves Peter from drowning and the he kind of keeps him as his pet... 

I have idea for a bit further plot too (based on another mermaid lonelyeyes fic I publshed only on tumblr and no one probably remembers). Currently I am still trying to decide few things such as if I want to keep it up with mercreature Elias or rather go for mercreature Jonah. And how mayn chapters the fic shoudl have. And if I will really end it so Captain who isn’t that lonely and mythical creature who isn’t that deadly can be kind of epilogue for the fic. 

But over all knowing myslef I have a lot of doubts I will be ever able to finish this... So at least let me share a little excerpt from it.

I usually hate nothing more than writing chronologically. I usually start from the middle, then I jump tot the end and then I maybe return to the beginning. This fic is the bit of exception though so here have potential beginning of first chapter: 

Peter doesn’t remember much when he wakes up. Just the storm the wild sea, him screaming orders, him reaching for his man, his leg slipping a bit and then the sweet embrace of dark water below. He vaguely remembers thinking that it is quite lovely way to die. Swallowed by the ocean. Alone, far away from a land. He always hoped in a death like this. He has not just expected it this soon.

He wakes up in a small cave feeling way too exhausted for a dead man. Where is he? How did he survive? With great effort he opens his eyes. Darkness welcomes him. It takes him a while before his eyes stats to adapt to dim light of… cave? The cold rocky gound under him confirms his suspicion as well. He seems to be in cave illuminated only moonlight coming from few creeks and holes all the way up on the caves ceiling.

Peter tries to gets up a bit to get better idea regarding his environment. He raises his head and upper part of his body supporting himself on his elbows. The cave seems to be quite big. There is no visible exit if there even is one. Part of the cave is filled with water, extension of sea the most likely. Before Peter can examine his surrounding any more or start creating any theories how he got there and how he survived his doubts about being really in a cave and alive or at least fully conscious returns as his eyes fall on a creature of the myths staring at him?

It looks like a mermaid. Merman? Mercreature? (insert further description based on when I decide if I will go with Jonah or Elias) Is Peter dreaming? Is he having some hallucination as he is drowning and running out of air?

“Ah, so you did wake up in the end! Fascinating.” As it was not enough of a struggle for Peter to consider existence of mermaids, the creature speaks. And it is not screeches it in not spitting few short words as sailors sometimes claim to hear it is done by velvet educated sounding voice.

The mercreature rises itself from the water, joining him on rocky ground, leaving only half of its tail in the water. It leans closer to him with curiosity in its eyes. It takes to Peter good few seconds to get himself from a shock and quickly move back only to be almost immediately met with the cave wall behind him. He is trapped.

“I have never seen human up this close.” The creature continues as if it did not even notice Peter’s shock and fear. “Well, alive human I mean,” it grins as if it was telling some joke. It keeps its distance away from him but Peter still feels pinned to the wall just by its piercing gray eyes which seem to examine him in fascination.

“Can you talk?” It tilts its head a bit as if in curiosity when its done staring him down. And from entirety of this surreal situation this question seems the most absurd and nonsensical.

“Can I talk? You are asking me if I can talk?”

“Yes I do indeed…” creature nods giving him condescending look like it is now for a change doubting his intelligence. “I rather hope you are still in shock would be shame if you took that much time to process all of my questions…”

“The hell you mean if I can talk? How can you talk?” He is human of course that he can talk! How can some beast from a myth be asking him something so obvious as if there were any reason to doubt that he from two of them might be the one who is unable to speak.

“Ah, wonderful question!” its eyes spark with excitement, “How can anyone talk really? I am still trying figure out how exactly it happens that just by moving the lips and will to do so words are coming out of our mouth-”

“What are you?” At first Peter was just confused. Then he was afraid. But now he cannot find in himself to feel any other emotion than anger and annoyance. Is this thing for real? What the hell it keeps talking about, what are its intentions with Peter? Because if it wants to kill and eat him, Peter would prefer if it did that sooner than later

“Aren’t you humans having enough legends to be able to answer this question yourself?” the creature laughs. As perfectly controlled is its voice, its laughter sounds much more inhuman and beastly.

[mallowstep]

how do you find the energy and motivation to write like... everyday?? i literally cannot write unless i am possessed by a thought in my brain and forced to spew out everything onto paper. and then i cant look at it again ot edit it. like, i really love writing and if im forced to do it for school i will, but i cant write for myslef.

practice.

first, i want to say that i am going to describe how i write, but it is not necessarily going to work for most people, because it has to do with my own psychology and mental health.

second, i want to say that i view writing as writing for pleasure or writing for work. poetry, for example, i write for pleasure, and i would not apply what i am going to discuss to poetry. that happens when i have something to say. it is OK to not want to write for work. that's acceptable and encouraged.

third, i want to dispel a myth. writing consistently is not about motivation. it is about discipline. and you should take heart in that, because motivation is hard to control. you can't force yourself to want to do something, no matter how hard you try. but if you build up discipline, you can learn to do it anyway.

i'm not going to go into that now, because i'm coming at this from the specific perspective of someone with adhd who uses pressure to force myself to function, which is...a hard balance to strike, and not something i can strictly recommend. it does work for some people. i think of it as an arch.

but i digress, i said i wasn't discussing the specifics of how i function in day-to-day life, lest i encourage others to do as i do.

okay. so. where am i going with all of this?

part one: a long, fairly incoherent ramble about me and mental health and writing

well. i don't think the idea of writing for yourself is very helpful to a lot of people. i do write for myself. but that doesn't get my ass in the chair and my fingers on the keyboard. the thing that does that is not social obligation to others, either, it is the firm knowledge that putting words on paper is going to keep me from falling apart.

i don't do that for myself. i don't do that for anyone but the human need to hold yourself together. i am very happy i feel that need at the moment, and every time i have stopped writing* in the past ten years, i have lost that need.

* writing here should really be replaced with a broader term. creating things. making things. working with my hands and something real. but writing is the best thing i know to fill this in myself.

writing does not feel optional. i started writing seriously when i was not-quite-a-teenager and had untreated depression. it was desperate, then. the need to know i was capable of feeling emotions. since then, writing has been different things at different times. it has been a social need. it has been a creative need. it has been a demanding drive. it has been something i drag myself to do because i know it is good for me.

i don't have to write. i could paint, or draw, or knit, or code, or any number of things. i have used all of those things, and more, in the past, but writing is something i also enjoy.

sometimes writing is dragging myself to the keyboard. it is not always a flurry of words as an idea seizes me. it is, "i am publishing the next chapter of ashes because it is monday and that is what i do on mondays." but.

it is monday, and that is what i do on mondays.

i hate not posting every day. i hate it. i am Untethered. i spent ca. three weeks over the summer completely disconnected from time, but. i post ashes today, it is monday, i move on, i go through the days and they are not the same.

i hate not posting every day. i know that i would be doing better if i could just break through and start again, but figuring out how is hard. some things i know (ibtwicm is stressful because another person is involved, and that means that i cannot work with betas, even though the one i have is absolutely wonderful and i adore her), but other things are just that nebulous idea of not enough time to start.

i don't always have the energy to write. some days are bad. some days my head hurts. i don't have the expectation that i will never miss a day of posting. i've taken plenty of time off. but i like the rhythm.

anyway. let me try to turn that incoherent ramble about me into something...actionable?

part two: what i tangibly do

i have a schedule. that is not requisite, but it saves me from making decisions. i have a schedule and i have fics and one-shots and they all slot into that schedule by arc. i could have done it by anything, but arc was convenient.

anyway.

i figure out what i'm posting when i wake up in the morning, and i try to skim over what i've already got before starting my day. i flick back and forth between writing and whatever i am doing throughout the day.

(which is why, as i transition back into my normal pace, the thing i have been doing to fill the gap will diminish. less au chatter snippets etc, because that is what i have been doing instead of writing.)

by the evening, i'm usually close to done with the draft. i spend a solid chunk of time patching it up, then i do a round of edits, finish my other work, do line edits, and post.

if i have time after that, i start looking at tomorrow's post.

that's it. sometimes i don't want to work on something. too bad. it's on the schedule. or even, "too bad, we're posting something today." unless i am having a bad (read: low spoon) day, i do not waver in that expectation for myself.

in fact, i think the only way ibtwicm will get done is if the final chapter two chapters go up un-beta'd, because the deviation from routine makes me impossibly frustrated with them. we shall see.

anyway. i have spent years building the discipline to be able to do that. if you rely on motivation, do not think you can just flip over and magically learn how to turn an empty page into words because you told yourself that is what you are doing right now. so.

part three: how to build discipline

i said i won't be covering this, and i'm not Really. i'm going to tell you how to get started, and i am going to be the Bad Guy. i am not capable of doing this kindly. there are other, better, resources i encourage you to seek out.

so. you can't start by just. throwing yourself into it. it won't work, it'll be frustrating, etc.

you want to figure out what a reasonable word count/day is for you. i shoot for 3k words/day, but i figure as long as i'm above 1k, i'm happy.

[aside: if you are going to be writing a lot in a day, please take care of your body. have good posture. know how to hold yourself. etc. i credit years of playing piano as giving me strong wrists and nice, curved fingers, and exercises to build and strengthen the same muscles as you use for typing, but just keep this in mind.]

anyway, there's no right number. 100 words is enough. it should be -- what works for me is a number that's just slightly higher than what i can do comfortably, because it means i have to be focused, which keeps me on track. i think this is important. it is not the only way.

and then you just meet that goal. if you're new to this, writing 100 words every day might be hard. you don't have to limit yourself to 100, just hit 100 every. single. day.

eventually that will feel easy.

"i don't feel like writing," you will think, "but i've figured out how to get around that."

then you either feel happy with what you're doing or push your word count up.

me? i don't measure how many words i write, because i've already done all of that. for all i bemoan research and being stuck, i'm generally exceptionally effective. i don't think that's bragging; i think the number of asks i have answered with scenes i whipped out of nowhere demonstrate that.

i have spent years getting to the point where i can open up a blank page, on a day when i feel like crap (emotionally), when i have no ideas and no motivation and every word i put on paper feels robotic and stiff and terrible, and still finish what i started. it's hard work. it might not be worth the effort. but. that's what i do.

[fanxyblog]

IT'S ABOUT SEX ~ SIK-K

Request: Omg first of, I love your writing could you maybe do sth like Minsik meeting your family and they ask about his songs and they somehow discover wet the bed xD

A/N : It's 3 A.M in my country as I'm posting it so I hope you all will enjoy it. Btw stream Coogie's and Code Kunst's albums cause these are a masterpiece and give some love to my boy Xydo too.

( Remember to take care of yourself and stay safe)

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1083

ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE I'M SORRY FOR THE MISTAKES

Minsik was very nervous, he knew about it, his hands were sweating and he felt dizzy. He knew that meeting his girlfriend's parents is a big step.

That's why he was so nervous about it.

He wanted to make a good first immpression.

"Minsik" your soft voice bringed him back to reality. He looked at you and gulped.

"Minsik it's going to be okey, they are going to love you and if they don't, you still going to have me helplessly in love with you " you embraced him in a tight hug to make him feel better.

"We need to go in right now otherwise my parents are going to think something have happend "

Seconds later Minsik was dragged inside the house by you, he felt like throwing up, he was never that nervous in his life.

He wanted to run away but that idea disappeared from his mind as soon as he saw a woman in a middle age approching him. She looked a lot like you, simmilarity between you and her have actually suprised him.

"Ahhh... you must be Minsik" your mother hugged him tightly. " My daughter has told me a lot about you "

" I hope everything she've told you were only good things" he smiled at your mother warmly after she realesed him from her hug

" Of course they were all good things" she tapped his arm slightly. You were watching the scene in front of you with a big grin. You were happy that Minsik relaxed a bit.

"Y/N take that handsome young boy to the garden, your father and brother are already there. I'm going to finish cooking and join you"

" Yes, mum" you gave her a quick kiss on a cheek and dragged Minsik after you.

" You see even my mum is flirting with you. I think coming to the dinner today was a bad idea" you turned around to face him and send a playful wink his way. Minsik looked at you with amusment " Well... what can I say, I'm a charming man"

You laughed at him and leaned over to give him a kiss, but you got interrupted by your younger brother.

"Noona !" He runned your way and trapped you in a hug.

" Ahh... Taejin" you were happy to see him, since you moved out of your family house, you didn't see him as often as you would like to.

" Yah... You are so tall Taejin-ie, how is it possible, you're only fourteen."

"Ahh Noona, stop it" he steped away from you and looked over your arm at Minsik who was standing awkwardly on the terrace behind you two.

" Oh...Oh... Right " you looked over between your brother and your boyfriend and smiled widely.

"Taejin this is my boyfriend Minsik, Minsik this is my younger brother Taejin."

"It's nice to meet you man" Minsik shook your brother's hand with a fond look on his face.

"It's nice to meet you too, Noona talks about you all the time, when we meet each other"

" Oh... does she ? What does she say exactly?"

"That's not true, why would I talk about you, Taejin go help mum in the kitchen. We need to go find dad"

Before Taejin could say anything else you dragged Minsik away from him.

"You talk about me with your brother, that's kinda cute. Do you love me that much?"

" If you don't stop teasing me about it, I'm going to stop loving you."

"Mhm... Okay, I'm stopping now" He left a tender kiss on your temple.

You knew that his words weren't honest and he is going to tease you about it first chance he gets, but in that very moment it didn't bother you.

"Dad !"

"Y/N, sweetheart it's so good to see you" your dad kissed your cheek as soon as you got to him.

" You must be Minsik, it's nice to meet you young man"

"It's nice to meet you too sir"

As you watched two of the most important men in your life shake their hands, all of the nerves that were with you since you crossed the door to your house disappeared. You wanted your family to accept yours and Minsik's relationship, but your father was the person whose aprovement you wanted the most.

As time went by all of you sat down at the table. Dinner was full of chit chatting and asking questions.

"So Minsik, what is it exactly that you do for living? Y/N mentioned that you are a musician"

" Ahh... well I wouldn't call myslef a musician, but yes... I make money for living by doing music, to be more specific. I'm a rapper"

" Ohhh... That's very interesting, isn't it honey?"

"Yes, of course it is"

You were amused by your mom's excitement and how your dad didn't really understand what your boyfriend was talking about.

"What is your stage name then? " It was time for Taejin to bombard Minsik with questions. Fortunetly he didn't look like your family questions did bother him and he patiently was answering all of them.

"It's Sik-k" a wrinkle appeared between Taejin's eyebrows, it looked like he was thinking about something intensely and before anyone could say anything he shouted

" Oh my god! You're the rapper that raps with Coogie on "Wet the bed" " as soon as you've heard your brother say that, you could've swear that your heart had stopped beating. You looked over at Minsik who was so pale that he looked like he was about to faint

" "Wet the bed" it's a weird title for a song. What is it about ?" Your mother asked completly unconscious about the whole situation, while all you wanted was to disapper and take Minsik away with you.

"It's about sex, honey. Like most of hip hop songs "

"Dad !"

You really wanted to disapper and you were sure that Minsik wanted to disapper to.

"Don't worry kid. You've made a good first immpresion, so you writing songs about sex won't change anything" your father looked over at your boyfriend and smiled at him.

"That's good to know sir"

After that all of you broke out in a laughing fit. The dinner didn't go as it was planned, but you were happy it ended well.

[ververa]

Broken like me

A/N: There’s gonna be a 2nd part probably - if I manage to pull myslef together and write it. But I’m doing my best. 

 Hope you enjoy it <3

Cordelia Goode x fem!reader

Words: 2,200

You had always known that you’re the one who needed to make it through life on your own. There was nobody who could help you or who was willing to help you at least. You’re fine for most of the time though. That’s what you kept telling yourself everyday looking in the mirror.

You didn’t want your life to be just a dreadful misfortune that befell you. Your teacher taught you that everything happens for a reason and life is a gift. So, you treated it that way. But no matter how hard you tried, you’re slowly turning colder and colder as more bad things kept happening to you. Before you knew you became numb and went into bad company.

Parties, alcohol, drugs… You’re using them as an escape from your problems, but they’re actually leading you to even bigger troubles.

“You’re fine Y/N. You can do it. You’ve got it!” you kept telling yourself every morning feeling that you’re falling apart

You would most likely break down if a woman from social service and a police officer hadn’t knocked at the door of your apartment. They’re there with your younger sister. They didn’t need to say anything, because you already knew something bad had happened. And you’re right - your parents had had a car accident.

“Miss Y/N… I’m really sorry”

You said nothing. You couldn’t speak at that moment. You only looked  at your little sister - Ava and smiled trying to stop the tears. You knew she still didn’t really get what’s going on. She was barely 5 after all. And that’s when your life changed forever. Since then you’re not on your own anymore. You had a little child that you’re supposed to provide for.

It’s really hard to get everything done. Your college was hell and at the club, where you had got a job, you weren’t paid enough to support both you and your sister. 

You’re devastated and furious, simply because you’re not able to get everything done. You needed to pay for the apartment, buy food, clothes and pay for your sister’s school. You’re a nervous wreck. That’s when your so called friend helped you with finding another job - a better one, as she said.

“Look, there is that agency… They need young, pretty girls such as yourself… You just go out with rich people…”

You knew exactly what your friend was doing and you didn’t really like it. That’s not what you wanted to do in your life, so you’re hesitant.

“I know you don’t like being close with people, but you don’t always have to have sex with them… Think about your sister Y/N. She deserves to have a good life, doesn’t she?”

Of course she did deserve a good life and you wanted your sister to have a better and happier life than you did. That’s probably the only reason why you opted for that job.

It wasn’t easy. Especially at the beginning. Actually you hated it, but you couldn’t deny that thanks to that job your life changed and became a bit easier. At least when it came to your finance. You had whatever you wanted and could buy anything your sister wished for.

You're pretty and your job taught you how to use it. And so you did. You rarely had to do more than going out with some rich people and keeping them company. Usually you met with someone new every week, until one man appeared. He didn't want you or your body. He was gay, but had to pretend he's straight and you're supposed to "play" his girlfriend.

Roman was a gentleman. He got to know you pretty well, as he became your only client for a long time.

"Y/N you don't need to do anything. All I need from you is to look pretty and not meet with anyone else"

"I mean yes, but that's what I'm supposed to do to earn money…"

"I'll pay for everything. Don't worry about the money"

So, you stayed at home and focused on your studies. You liked it at first, but soon you realized you miss all the attention you're getting. All the compliments, praises, presents. You didn't complain though. Roman took care of everything and you even became friends. Thanks to him you met the first person you ever loved.

You met her at a party. You're there with Roman. You had to be by his side almost all the time, which was not only tiring, but also kind of boring. That's why you got quite excited knowing that the blonde woman was watching you.

After 3 or so hours of pretending you're done. You needed a break, so you went to the toilet and lit a cigarette.

"Isn't he too old for you?" you heard a female voice

You turned back and saw the woman who's looking at you for the whole night.

"He could be your father…." she stated

"He's a good friend. I'm helping him and he's helping me" you shrugged 

"By sleeping with him? I mean I don't judge. I understand that some girls are looking for stability…"

"No. Some girls need money, because there's no one they can count on" you snarled

"I'm sorry" the woman sat down on a windowsill next to you "I didn't mean to offend you" she placed her hand on yours

You looked at her. Normally you'd be annoyed when someone touched you, but it's different with her. Something about her made you calm.

"Wouldn't you prefer to find someone younger, who would try to be there for you?"

"I'm not sure if that's possible"

"Why?"

"It's complicated"

"Explain then?"

"I… I just do what has to be done, because we need money"

Cordelia frowned trying to read your unreadable face expression. After a moment she offered you her hand.

"I'm…" she wanted to introduce herself, but you already knew her

"Cordelia Goode, the Supreme, yes I know"

She smiled still holding your hand.

"What's your name then?"

"I'm Y/N"

"Y/N what?"

"Just Y/N" you said standing up "It's nice to meet you Mrs Goode" you smiled and moved to the door 

"It's Cordelia"

"Of course" you said and left

You had been to a lot of different parties with Roman, but you had never met Cordelia before. You had no idea they’re friends actually and you definitely didn’t expect that it would affect you in any way. Yet it did.

After his brother’s death Roman was taking care of his niece. You knew that, because the two of you befriended, but you didn’t know the girl was a witch and was at the academy, where Cordelia was in charge.

You had no idea Cordelia was interested in you as well. You stopped noticing such things when you began working at the agency. That job totally changed your way of perceiving love.

Cordelia on the other hand felt more powerful than ever. She was the Supreme after all. She was capable of having whatever she wanted - and she wanted you. She couldn’t really explain it, but something about you was attracting her and there was nothing to do about it, but get you. Yet despite her power Cordelia still was a caring and empathetic woman. She didn’t want to use you and hurting you was the last thing on her mind. So, when Roman told her he’s going to leave and that you’d have to go back to working just like the rest of the young women in the agency Cordelia decided to take matters into her own hands. They talked it over and made a deal, but nobody told you about the changes.

You did feel like something  was not quite okay on your way to the hotel. Roman had never made you go to any hotel before. You had always met at his place or he just picked you up, so that you could go to some party together. But there you were - at the door of the hotel room. You knocked and waited for Roman to open. But instead of him the door was opened by Cordelia. You stood there a bit shocked and confused.

"I… Is Roman here?"

Cordelia smiled "No, he's not"

"Oh… umm okay. I guess I misunderstood something…"

"No, honey, you didn't. Come in"

'Honey'? That took you by surprise.

You came in and looked around. The room was huge and really fancy, but you knew immediately that it wasn't Roman who had chose that place.

"So, where is he?"

"That's a long story. Would you like some wine?"

You looked at her once again. She was dressed up and looked even better than at the party where you met. That's when you got it…

"Sit down Y/N" she said approaching you with two glasses of wine

You did as you're told and then you were handed one of the glasses. You looked at her anticipating what could come next. But Cordelia didn't say a single word. 

For some reason her confidence disappeared when she saw you. You're so young and beautiful.

You knew that look that she had in her eyes. You knew what she wanted and that made you feel weird. Obviously you wanted attention and adoration and from the moment you met her you wanted her to want you, but at the same time you didn't want her to be like everyone else.

So, you say there in silence - looking at each other from time to time.

"So…" you started "I assume that I'm your toy now and Roman won't come, will be?"

"Roman had to leave and we didn't want you to…" she paused "We just decided I could take his place" she said nervously

" 'we'?" you repeated "And you didn't think that maybe I should know about it?"

"Y/N… we just didn't want you to feel… bad or uncomfortable"

You rolled your eyes and stood up. You placed your glasses on a table and began to unzip your dress.

"What are you doing?"

"Undressing. Let's get this over with. That's why I'm here for, right?"

"Actually, I was hoping that you'll have a dinner with me"

You stopped in your tracks.

"Dinner… with you?"

"Yes" she said standing up and approaching you "I thought we could get to know each other better" Cordelia took a long coat and held it for you to put on. You said nothing. Your brain stopped at the words 'get to know each other better', because no one had wanted that before. That's quite unexpected, but you didn't protest.

Cordelia took you to a restaurant downstairs at the hotel. You sat at the table far from the other people and ordered.

"Tell me something about yourself" she asked

"About myself?"

"Yes" she smiled "Because for now I only know your name"

"Well, there's nothing much to say. My life isn't interesting at all"

"Well, you seem to be a very interesting person"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything"

"Umm… I don't really like talking about myself. I mean no one really cares" you shrugged

"I do"

"No you don't"

"I do"

"Mrs Goode…"

"It's Cordelia" she corrected you

"You don't... You don't know me and you don't want to know me. You don't need to pretend... I don't expect you to care. It's fine"

“I really do. Honestly, Y/N, I want to get to know you better” Cordelia said carefully taking your hand “But only if you’re okay with telling me”

The sudden touch took you by surprise. No one had held your hand like that - so gently - for a very long time.

“I…” you hesitated “I don’t talk about myself, because people don’t like it. Every time I let someone close to me… they leave. And with every person that leaves I lose a part of myself. It’s not even that I don’t want to tell you. It’s that you’ll leave too Cordelia and there’s not much left of real me and I just can’t lose that part, because if I do… then who will I become?”

The Supreme smiled sadly and gently squeezed your hand.

“I’m sorry” you said not looking at her

“You don’t need to be sorry, sweetheart. You haven’t done anything wrong, okay? You don’t need to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”

You looked at her and saw her beautiful smile. You nodded and tried to smile back, but you knew very well you failed to do so.

“I know you probably think I won’t understand” she continued “But trust me, I’ve been through a lot myself, so if you ever change your mind, just know I’ll listen” 

You dared to raise your eyes, simply because you wanted to know that she meant it. And one look was enough for you to be sure she did. You always believed that all the truth was in people’s eyes, that eyes were the door to a person’s soul. But you’re quite sure you had never seen more beautiful eyes - in which you could see nothing, but honesty, understanding and care. That’s when you couldn’t help it and thought to yourself - “You’re broken like me…”

Also I’m gonna make a new tag list, so let me know  if you’d like to be tagged :)

[commemorators-pedebusiadmix]

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·   High speed Internet access (DSL or Cable only)

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PC Specifications:

You can test your current PC configuration for the following requirements through our site when you start your application:

·      ��  3.0 GHZ Processor (minimum of a Pentium 4 processor or equivalent processor running at a clock speed of 3.0 GHZ)

·         PC must have a vendor manufactured date less than six years in age as some older models are not compatible with our secure environment (Example: If today’s date is 1/1/2012, the PC manufacture date should be no older than 1/1/2006)

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·         No Wireless Devices, i.e. headset, keyboard, mouse

·         Telephone with a mute button available during all scheduled work hours to be used during training, team meetings and feedback sessions (All monthly telephone and internet charges are the responsibility of the employee and are not reimbursed by Convergys.)

·         Wired router - such as those sold under the brand names Belkin, Linksys, Netgear and D-Link

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Computer Software requirements include:

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*You can get the latest versions of Adobe Flash player and Adobe Acrobat Reader FREE at the Adobe site www.adobe.com. You can also get the latest version of Windows Media Player for FREE from www.microsoft.com. PLEASE NOTE: You must apply from the same PC/system from which you plan to work if hired as a Convergys Home Agent. During the application process, your PC will be validated to ensure that it meets the minimum system requirements.

[basia2002ib]

Profile & summary of my CAS

Learning outcomes

All in all I can say I achieved all learning outcomes. 

1. I identified own strengths and developed areas for growth. I got involved in activities that based on my prevailing skills but opened new ways to develop. Language can be deepened without limits; although I have got a certified C2 level in German I can still develop my skills and I continued to do so throughout my CAS.

2. I have undertaken a range of challenges, for instance passing a C2 exam in German seemed outlandish at first but then I got used to the idea and focused all my efforts to pursuing this goal. And I did it, even though it might seem abstract. I wanted to challenge myself to spice up my life a little bit and grow personally from the process. Now I can see a difference - my German language skills developed to such degree that when I am reading literature in German now I see an immense difference - now I can easily spot nuances and extract the deep meaning.

3. I initiated and planned CAS experiences thoroughly. I am a pragmatic person who tends to stick to the plan because it gives direction. CAS stages came naturally to me, I did not have to force them because they are inherent parts of planning process. My intellectual challenges undertaken in German - 2 competition and one language certificate required detailed planning for adequate preparation. Also my internship in the foundation required planning and time-management skills as I had to combine it with my various initiatives and rigorous IB programme. CAS stages were useful to plan my CAS project as well - I was in MUN staff, which means I coorganized WawMUN 2019.

4. Commitment and perseverance are prerequisite for success. I understand it therefore in every action I take these factors resonate. Otherwise I would accomplish my goals such as honours in German, I would not be able to play volleyball in the first-line up or I would not fulfill my demanding duties throughout my internship effectively. These are only examples of actions where I used my commitment and perseverance to succeed.

5. I saw benefits of working collaboratively during the WawMUN 2019 conference, which I organized as my CAS project but also in my internship in the foundation and my service as a student goverment vice president. In the student government we need to rely on one another and have each other’s back. We do share responsibilities to make sure nothing is neglected. We help each other and in case of emergency may replace one another either during a debate or while discussing issues with the head mistress. Throughout my internship I served as an assistant therefore I needed to adjust to the current responsibilities. I was instructed by more experienced employees all the way and assigned tasks. WawMUN conference is the biggest MUN in Poland therefore the organization process is complicated and required the division of tasks. If we did not trust each other and if we did not share responsibilities, the effect would not be so spectacular. The results showed the benefits of the team work from its best side.

6. I engaged with issues of gloabl significance throughout my CAS project which was co-organizing the MUN conference. Practising debating skills is crucial in today’s world and new generations of politicians have a chance to challenge their capabilities on the conference. The topics discussed in individual commitees touched upon issues of global significance. It is great to give my peers a chance to gain skills, delve into controversial subjects and defend their position. Some of them would probably pursue politics further in life; MUN conferences are truly inspirational in this respect.

7. One of the ethical issues I adressed during my activity as a student government vice president was the animal consumption. To relieve the environment, make my own step to reduce cruelty against animals, at least at the local level, I negotiated with the canteen supervisor to introduce vegan food. Unfortunately it was not possible to serve vegan dinners because of technical diffuculties but vegan sandwiches appeared in the canteen soon after our proposal. This is the way to satisfy needs of people on a plant-based diet but also a way to promote environmentally friendly food, with no associated cruelty.

Creativity

I love literature and foreign languages. Throughout my CAS, I combine this two effectively to follow both of my passions simultaneously. I read and write a lot in German and do far beyond what is required in my school. My goals in German are wide-ranging and not confined to my German B classes, but I challenged myslef to take part in competition and to read German literature. Once I have read “The Sorrows of Young Werther”, “Faust”, “The Visit”, “The Trial” in original and it commenced my relationship with German literature. I was captivated by it to such extent that I made a German classic “The Magic Mountain” the center of my Extended Essay. I also chose “The Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka to use in my oral exam. Thomas Mann and Franz Kafka are one of my favourite writers of all time and they allow me to trace different nuances of German language. Close analysis of these works of art should involve in my opinion delving into the original work. A valuable experience might be to compare it with the translation, which I did throughout my independent study.

My tangible achievements in German (the evidence for my skills) were: a C2 certificate in German, a disitinction in the translation contest “Juvenes Translatores” organized by the European Commision and a finalist title in the National German Olympiad. I reached my aforementioned goals in 2020. They involved CAS stages. 1. I investigated the area I wanted to deepen my skills in and specific aims I wanted to pursue and these were competitions in German. 2. I prepared my strategy, researched the most respectable competitions and exams I wanted to take part in, signed up for them and planned preparation which was necessary because of huge amounts of school work and limited free time. 3. I took specific action, exposed myself to the language days before the exam and throughout multiple months I was doing practice papers, reading and watching a lot. 4. I realized that by pursuing my passion in German and going beyond the curriculum I freed myself and could really delve into the language. The experience provided me with the sense of purpose - my life was not only concerned with my Diploma syllabus but I could get acquainted with literature and recognized the power of translation in terms of its strong influence on the reception of foreign texts. 

From then onward I worked to maintain my German on the same high level. I should not take it for granted - I am not a native speaker. My accomplishements required huge amounts of work and also talent but might disappear if not cared for properly.

Activity

In the course of my CAS journey I have been active in many disciplines. Sport is one of my few ways to unwind and stop stressing about reality. I think that the limited possibilities to practice sport were one of the major obstacles during the pandemic. I was deprived of my only way to switch off and relax. Before the pandemic I used to swim and play volleyball in a school team every week plus I attended 3 Physical Education classes per week. Now my prefered activities are not possible to pursue because of lockdown which entailed school, sport halls and swimming pool closures. Moreover I am concerned with the virus. At the start of 2020 we managed to take the fouth place in district-wide volleyball competition. My team and I wanted to improve next year but the pandemic unexpectedly shattered my plans. I am grateful, however, for having been given a chance to represent my school in the first line-up. Moreover, I would attend volleyball practice every Saturday.

My PE classes give me a chance to play volleyball, football or do fitness. I enjoy almost every activity that is physically demanding. And I am also great in sport which boosts my motivation. Beyond school, I used to exert myself a lot in swimming and have difficulties to find enjoyment in it. However, I am a really good swimmer and it strengthens my determination, improves posture and health.

Throughout the pandemic, I have been practising sport independently, as it is an extremely important part of my life. However, in the first lockdown in the spring I used to overexert myself doing long and intensive workouts every day on an empty stomach to the point when I got health problems. I had to give it up and switched to another physical activity, less demanding but equally fun: walking. Never before have I taken walks so often as during the pandemic. Now, in the winter lockdown I also go for a walk sometimes.

Service

I began my CAS journey in 2019 with giving tutoring to a primary school student from a underprivileged background. Teaching subjects I am comfortable in (English and German) and his improved grades were reasons for my satisfaction. It required a lot of patience and perseverance as it was extremely difficult to teach him something because firstly he lacked motivation and secondly he had difficulties memorizing. This made it a huge challenge but turned out to be rewarding.

The second half of my first IB year (2020) I sacrificed for my internship (voluntary work) in a foundation.  My scope of activity consisted in the cooperation with the Fundraising Director and the Spokeswoman of the foundation; I had duties related to fundraising and media such as: preparing summaries of the reports from humanitarian missions for fairs in Dubai, translating posts for English social media profiles, collecting data for media reports, translating official requests for the sponsorship, gathering contact details of potential sponsors i.e. big companies and Presidents of the biggest Polish cities, monitoring press mentions.

Throughout 2020 I have also been fulfilling duties of the student government vice president. My team was elected in February 2020 and until now (beginning of 2021) I hold this position. I resolve current problems with the head mistress, co-organize and participate in events e.g. open days, control social media, coordinate logistics. In March we attended an event for student governments across Warsaw. I also tried to organize the Physics conference with my 2 friends in my school but it was cancelled last-minute due to imposed school closure, one week before it was scheduled to take place. Everything had been arranged with lecturers and we had to cancel feeling miserable.

My wide range of CAS activities - other examples

Apart from my core activities which I described, I got involved in numerous other CAS experienced described on this blog. One of the most enriching ones was my participation in the process of creation of a book. I wrote my own essay to a book published this month by my former class teacher. I entitled my work: “School is people: about sparking authenticity and breaking patterns”. I also cooked a lot and published some of my recipes on the blog, wrote to my school newspaper, took part in environmental protests, wrote some poems, some diary entry, practiced Frech, including writing, took many beautiful photos on my trips abroad,... 

I also co-organized WawMUN2019 conference as my CAS project.

[cafeleningrad]

ehe, catching up on the tag games I’ve been tagged into... Alright, first a big thanks to @tenchan2077, @wantedstorms, @ and @procrastinosaurus-rex who tagged me in t. It’s about time I finally join! Thank you!

Do you ever make your bed? Mostly. It’s simply nicer to go to bed with ordered sheets.

What’s your favourite number? Math and I have never been friends. For our mutual well-being we avoid each other at any cost.

What’s your job? Student for legal translation at the moment, sometimes I take art commissions.

If you could go back to school, would you? Actually having a more structured earning practice, having had a better diet, and having chosen better internships.

 Can you parallel park? Yes but I prefer other parking methods.

A job you had that would surprise people? Social healthcarer. It surprised me myslef but I disocvered that can operate professionally and friendly for a long period.

Do you believe aliens are real? Alien live out of the universe are real by probability, but I don’t believe in alien abductions on earth.

8. Can you drive a manual car? Yes. It’s the default car model here.

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? Trashing superficial romances and their subgenres who get praised for me ununaderstanble reasons. I’m salty authors with no grasp on the basics of writing craft earn money for essentially a hardcover version of a 50ct romance pulp noveletta.

Tattoos? None, only temporary ones.

Favourite colour? Burgundy red, ivory, peacock blue

Things that people do that piss you off? Many, but at the moment conspiracy theorists absuing the current panic for their racist goals.

 Any phobias? I would prefer not publishing them on the internet.

Favourite childhood sport? Standart dancing. It was incredibly fun, and I met many enthusiastic people.

Do you ever talk to yourself? Indeed. Be it repeating essential points of my lectures, revising debate speeches or preparing potential cases, or simply telling myself story ideas if I’m alone on long walks or walking the dog. It helps getting out my thoughts and putting them into order now knowing what shape they take.

What movie do you adore? So many... by genre I now found my liking in movies having fresh ideas about topics they treat, not reversing movies as self-refenrece. But adoring are animated moviesoutside the mainstream cinemascape as they’re crafted with a lot of care and thought (mostly).

17. Do you like doing puzzles? Oh yes! One of my favourite childhood activities.

18. What’s your favourite kind of music? Ooof, mostly “handmade” music, meaning little to no electroic beats or toying around with electronic sounds. When I hear a lot of beats and electronic experimental sounds it gets on my nerves easily, even if the piece itself is not that bad itself.

19. Tea or coffe? Tea.

First thing you remember wanting to be when you grow up? Policeofficer with a policedog. Mostly because of the dog.

alright, next are: @aryagreenapple, @mrs-storm-andrews, @feanoriel, @ilgattopatata, @bluetheon, @natsumi82, @thevagabondthoughts

[discorobak]

24/09/2020: happy beeps

artoo’s spinning dome is the actual representation of my mind right now. i got into the med school i originally aimed at!! it’s in my city, so there won’t be any moving away for me anytime soon, which i’m kind of relieved about, ngl. i don’t think i am prepared for a change like that at this point (especially that my younger brother would get my room if i moved out smh). honestly, i feel free and i finally got some sort of peace of mind now that i don’t have to worry that much about my future.

what else happened today? not much. honestly, all my recent days have been worryingly similar to one another. i wake up, make myself as presentable as i need to be while staying at home, do some cleaing around the house (kitchen especially) and then? i procrastinate. i might have read almost every existing anidala fanfiction with explicit rating. quarantine seems to technically be over, but i still can’t seem to find a place for myself in this post-isolation era.

i can’t even keep a healthy diet. seriously, my eating habits are so unhealthy it’s not even funny. i eat when i’m bored. i eat when i’m stressed. food seems to be my escape and i hate myslef for it. and i have no idea how to stop this cycle, because whenever i want to start living a healthier life, i get upset over myself almost immediately. because i let myself go. i forgot that i, my body and my mind, exist in this real world and not only in my fantasies. that is why i spend most of my time on my bed now these days. i can’t even find the energy to get up. even right now as i’m writing this, i’m sitting comfortably on my soft bed.

there’s one thing i did today that wasn’t usual. i invited FRIENDS over. funny i still have those. it’s gonna be a small garden party that i’m planning next saturday and i really really hope i won’t regret it. funny thing is that my dad made me invited. i am just that miserable and even he sees it. it was something totally out of my comfort zone, because if there’s one thing i am terrified of (besides dead animals), it’s rejection. being ignored by people i care about? a night mare. i’d rather not see them at all.

well, that started to get terribly personal, but i’m not sorry. no one’s made it that far anyway. i consider this blog mostly as self-therapy and it would only be a nice addition if anyone actually read that.

stay safe y’all an may the force be with you always!

maria

[cad-faoi-maeglin]

complete rant ‘cause I’m having a bit of a moment. The cut is so that people don’t have unpleasant things on their dash that they don’t want/can’t deal with

I am having such a horrible time these last two weeks.... I have done literally no work for college, either in the lab or for my classes. I am so ridiculously behind. My ability to get things done has dropped off a cliff. I’ve run out of clean clothes, I have no idea what food I own that is still edible, the shop is too stressful so no replacing of food is happening, I flick between not being arsed to make food, to just ebing weirdly incapable of making myslef make it. I have a presentation tomorrow, which is horror inducing enough on it’s own, but I haven’t done any prep for it. I tried to start but I just coulnd’t do it. It’s worth 60% of this module. If I don’t perform well in my classes, my funding gets pulled and I essentially get fired and have to go home.... Aaaaand we have the fun fact that I got meds yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about just taking them all in one go. I really want to lock them away from me!! (and they’re not the only thing) And the stupid part is, I’m having a complete breakdown but I still plan on going in to work today, because I haven’t been there in days and I feel guilty. It’s one of those emotionless breakdowns. There’s so much flying around inside my head and yet I can feel that my face is completely blank. I could easily get away with it. I’d love to ask to do the presentation a different day, but we doing them in pairs. Here I am struggling with thoughts of seriously harming myself and I feel like my biggest worry is someone else’s grade??? A fucking letter on a fucking piece of paper??? I am honestly more concerned about being an inconvience to someone than I am about my health and life??? Like, as far as I’m concerned it’s too late to bale on them. Poor them for being stuck with me. What the fuck???? Like, thank you weird anxieties for keeping going on with the things I have to do sometimes, but like this is just too far?? Like, here I am worrying about work and this other prson’s grade while this little voice in the back of my head is like “wouldn’t it be so relaxing and relieving to bang your head really hard off this wall???” I am so stressed by and slightly scared of the weird loops my brain keeps running around in. They make no sense and just.... ahhhhhghghghghghghlgeiauglaebvadkbj;aaouTdsjfgvutypcmwgufwetvunharugt9

I want to go home...

But I don’t want to admit that I couldn’t hack it. I’ve only been away for two/three months

I really don’t know how to fix this... I’m normally a perfectionist and I’m watching everything just slip through my fingers. Who knew moving to the opposite sid eof the world to start a research degree with undiagnosed anxiety, depression and ADHD was such a horrible idea???

I’m actually still thinking about this other person’s grade! It’s my brain’s top priority for some reason?? My brain makes no sense, it’s annoying me.

How does anyine expect me to get any work done like this??? Like, it physically impossible! I seriously wish I was having one of my weirdly good days. Oh yeah! Added fun, I now have two mental health professional talking about how I have veyr bipolar-like symptoms on top of my other problems but seeing as the ups don’t last long enough they won’t give me a diagnosis. Clearly niehter of them are familiar with the fact that researchers want to push for a bipolar spectrum and think the DSM-V criteria are too restrictive to really reflect whats actualy seen in patients :/ Fun fact, antidepressants will do nothing for me if it is bipolar!

And all that before we get to bank and finance office related problems... (mostly admin with the bank, the college actually owes me money, but it’s my fault for messing up a form...)

Okay, I should stop. I’m litterally just writing things as they come into my head now, this coudl go on forever...

Weirdly enough, this is all going on in my head, but I feel weirdly calm or blank? That would be the depression I suppose...

(On a side note, I’m not wearing my glasses typing this, so any and all typos are due to my not so great typing skills and my not so great eye-sight not alowing me to see the mistakes. Okay, I see some of the red-squiggaly lines, but I don’t really care either... But, seriousl, I just see black appreaing on the screen as I type, I can’t actually see the words)

[got7-texts]

Closing the Blog

Hey guys~

After a lot of time to think about things, I've made the final decision to close this blog indefinitely. It's not for any one reason in particular - it's a combination of many personal events coming together. I just think that it's time.

I've had this blog since September 2015. It was my second blog, but the first to really do well and be successful. I'm so happy that I got to meet so many of you through my writings and our shared love for the boys of GOT7. From all of the drabbles to all of the three sentence fics, you guys have given me some of the greatest ideas I could ever come up with. I've gotten so much inspiration from so many of you. I'm really grateful for all of the love and support you've given me.

This blog has been a huge part of my life for almost 3 years, and through all the ups and downs, I've really loved it with all my heart and soul. This blog (and all of you) have been with me throughout University and have helped me through some pretty tough times. I remember back in my second year when I would take a break from studying in the library just to pull out my phone and make some texts because I was too stressed out and needed to preoccupy my mind. Whenever I would feel upset or sad about something, I would turn to this blog as an escape. Nothing will ever replace that or any of the wonderful memories I've had with this blog. I've made over 200 texts for this blog.

Personally, I'm ridiculously proud of that number. I'm proud to look back at this blog and I'm proud to say that it was an amazing experience. I'm proud of GOT7 and everything they've accomplished for me to even make a blog this successful. I'm proud of all of you for supporting me and participating and keeping the requests flowing. And I'm proud of myslef for never giving up on anything I set my mind to for this blog.

When I got to see GOT7 in concert, it was one of the most amazing experiences. I felt so connected to them, and the fans, and I really loved being a part of this fandom. I'm an ahgase for life and always will be.

I will never stop loving this blog, or GOT7. I'll always continue to support and love the boys - nothing will ever change that. I'll keep all of the texts up for you guys, but I won't post or update anymore. But I will always be here for all of you, so please don't hesitate to reach out if you want to keep in touch at all (my main blog is @dr3aming-of-kpop).

Thank you all so much. You really are the best followers in the world~

[calronislovecalronislife]

On My Fanfiction And Writing

As I promised, time to talk about my Magisterium fanfic. I already posted about some things related to the story, but here I want to talk about more of a technical side of stuff.

First things first, I have always sucked at sticking to one writing project. I start a story, I really like it, and then, bam, I lose interest.

I figured that happens because I post all my works on wattpad, so I get carried away thinking about cover, summary, posting schedule and stuff that should come after I actually finish the story. So many times I started story, wrote it on wattpad, posted for a few days, decided I should take a break from it for a day, and then never came back to it.

This happened to me for a few reasons. I would think of an idea and start writing because I couldn't wait. I had no time to come up with plots or characters, so thosw stories ended up boring me and I'd abadoned them. Also, I pretty much always wrote contemporary stories. Which was kind of weird because I always read more fantasy, sci-fi, etc. I guess I was always scared to start a fantasy story because the universe is so wast and I didn't think I could handle it well and do it justice.

When I started writing this Calron fanfiction, I decided to let myself write fantasy. I don't wanna jinx my progress, but with 30k words, this is the most words I've wrote for a story.

How many words will it have by the end, I have no idea. The plot is still far from over. My plan is not to try and fit the story into a wordcount. I'll just write it until I'm satisfied.

Of course, it wouldn't be me if there was no any thinking in advance.

I made myself a promise that I'll start thinking up a title once I hit 50k words. Usually, I come up with a title as soon as I start writing it. It's kind of hard to do it for this book. So, in order not to get my mind off of actually writing the story, I decided to award myself with coming up with the tilte once I write 50k words. (I really like coming uo with titles, it's an award for me, okay?).

Also, since I'll be posting this on wattpad I'll figure long chapters won't do me good for multiple reasons:

It's tiring reading long chapter on the phone

Wattpad counts reads based on times a chapter has been read so more chapters = more reads = book gets more promotion = more people see it

Those are the main 2...

Since I have 5 finished chapters (and one unfinished, so 6) right now, and 30k words, you can guess they are pretty long.

I decided to break them down a bit, which I am almost sure I can do. But, as to not distract myself with that now I decided to do it after 2nd or 3rd draft. Depends how they work out...

Also, I'm more dedicated to finishing a chapter than the entire story, so long chapters actually work great for me.

As for my drafting timeline it goes something like this:

Draft 1 - obviously will be trash

Draft 2 - fixing plot mistakes, deleting unecesarry scenes, adding new ones

Draft 3 - spliting my monster chapters into shorter ones

Beta test - which I'll probably need (10 - 15 peole)

Draft 4 - fixing any plot/other mistakes beta readers spot

Beta test (again) - this time with 5 people tops

Draft 5 - any remaining big issues

Draft 6 - line editing (cause I need it...)

It's a big plan and I am not sure it will work out exactly like that, but it is what I had in mind.

As for posting it...I know only little about it.

I have a Wattpad profile (my username is CasualCat, you can look me up) but it is for my more relaxed works. I had that profile since I was 15, and none of the stories are edited, so they mostly suck and are unfinished.

This profile served me great, I learned a lot about writing thanks to it, so I won't delete it. But I feel like I am ready for a new start as a writer, for more serious projects (that actually require editing). I promised myslef I'll open it as soon as I finish 1st draft.

I'll also open tumblr, instagram, and twitter for that profile because marketing and social media presence is important if you want people to read you stuff.

As for posting schedule, I honestly have no idea. I don't know how many chapter this story will have so I can't come up with it yet. If it ends up with 20-25 chapters (or less) then I guess I'll post a chapter a week. If it has mkre then it will be 2,3, or even 4 chapters a week. I really have no idea.

Even if I will plan on having the entire story finished before I start posting it, I will not post it all at once.

Because:

It's better if people anticipate it

It will probably be long, and it could be overwhelming for somebody to read all of that at once...

It gives me time to work on my other projects for that profile

Next to my Calron fanfiction, I am working on another story I'll be posting on that profile, probably before I start posting my Calron fanfic. But I'll keep what that project is about a secret for now. I'll only tell you it's an original, not fanfiction.

Thanks for reading all of this, I hope you enjoyed my rant. If you have any questions feel free to ask but I do not promise answers.