lainiebeauchemin

[lainiebeauchemin]

Losing My Way (and Getting It Back) (”lost in Boston” prompt from twitter)

So you go through the fall semester of your senior year and the all-consuming admissions frenzy and you come out on the other side, inexplicably, with an acceptance to your dream school. You’re ecstatic. Everything appears to be falling into place perfectly and you count down the days until you can spend a weekend re-experiencing the campus with hundreds of wonderful, talented, extraordinary people you get to call your classmates. You picture that weekend like a fairytale ending. You picture yourself laughing with your future best friends, having easy, effortless fun, falling in love. And in the fantasy, everything you left back in Pennsylvania -- your best friends, your family, your high school, your two cats and one turtle -- everything falls away into the past and leaving it behind feels natural and right. And in the blink of an eye, this feels like home.

The last thing I wanted to be doing at CPW was walking by myself.

No, actually, the last thing I wanted to be doing was walking by myself to meet my parents at their hotel for lunch because I couldn’t find the group I’d met earlier and couldn’t muster the energy or courage to talk to new people and couldn’t face the objective wrongness of eating by myself.

Or maybe the last thing I wanted to be doing was walking by myself, to meet my parents, fighting back tears while I wondered if I’d jumped the gun on MIT, if all my dreams were wrong, if I’d made a horrible mistake.

Wait, no. No, the very last thing I wanted to be doing was walking by myself, to meet my parents, fighting back tears, convinced I’d condemned myself to four years of failure and isolation, in the freezing cold.

In freaking April.

Call me crazy, but for some reason, my CPW fantasies featured sunshine.

I stopped to take a few deep breaths before I walked into the hotel to meet my parents, getting into character, preparing to be that girl from my fantasies. I couldn’t love this place anymore, I rehearsed in my head. Really, everything about it is phenomenal. I’m having a blast. Just the act of rehearsing these lines like an actress made them feel like lies, and suddenly I was panicking, because I couldn’t cry in front of my parents. If I cried I’d have to talk about it and I’d have to say out loud that this isn’t perfect, that I don’t even know for sure if it’s right, and then this “dream come true” would become a “dream come true with an asterisk,” and I’d have to explain why I was feeling this way, which I couldn’t even explain to myself.

I was completely and utterly lost.

Here’s the thing though: I get lost all the time. I’m terribly directionally challenged, to the point where I need to use my GPS to get me from my house to my high school. I mark locations that don’t have their own address using my GPS, so that I can find my way back to the lobby from the cafeteria. Really. I’m that bad. And yeah, I get frustrated and inconvenienced and laughed at a lot because of it. But on summer evenings when my brother and I climb into the car, turn the music up really loud, and just drive, it’s amazing. Because even within the confines of a world I’ve lived in my entire life, I can get lost. I can lose track of where I am entirely and wander the back roads of my county like I’ve discovered a new world and I’m its premier explorer. And when I make a million turns and find my way back to the familiar, it’s exciting. It’s a discovery that very minorly rewrites everything I’ve always known to be true and forges a new connection. It’s awesome.

I don’t want to “fall into place.” I want to explore. I want to discover. I want to get dropped in the middle of nowhere and find my way back. I want to find my own happiness. I want to deal with the homesickness and the doubts and the reservations and figure it out and come back stronger. Because isn’t that what college is for?

In the months since then, I’ve come to know the institute even better and I’ve never been more convinced that it’s the right place for me. It won’t be easy to leave everything I know behind and start fresh without a solid notion of who I really am outside of my old life. But in order to find my way, I have to lose it.

[lainiebeauchemin]

3 Playlists (prompt choice C, “something vexing”)

Always be prepared for anything. That’s my mantra.

Just kidding. My mantra is probably something more along the lines of “do whatever’s easiest for you in the moment and hope to God that things work out.” That’s actually worked pretty well for me so far (I got into the best school in the world, didn’t I?), but I guess that’s no reason to push my luck. So today I’m turning over a new leaf, and I’m making 3 new playlists.

Why, you ask? Because I’m going to college. And my boyfriend’s going to college. And those two colleges are nowhere near one another geographically. And also, we’re not planning on breaking up anytime soon.

This is a situation which to some seems unfathomable. I rarely voluntarily bring up my boyfriend in conversation with people I don’t know well, but those who go out of the way to ask about our plans for the future seem to regard it as their personal responsibility to convince me that I’m making a mistake. Really, it’s astounding how far over the line people will reach. No comment is too presumptuous — or too obvious. I’ve actually had someone whip out their phone and type the cities “Boston” and “Philadelphia” into Google Maps just to give me the exact number of miles of distance between the two, as though it would be news to me, as though the sheer figure would be enough to make me go “Wow! You’re right, trying to maintain a relationship would be silly! Aren’t I a disillusioned teenager blinded by infatuation!”

(In case you were curious: ^^)

These conversations always end with some variant of “But seriously, good luck,” which I always try to appreciate, because I know that most of these people truly do have my best interests at heart. They’re hoping for the best for me, they just want me to be prepared for the worst — probably because there’s a good chance that “the worst” is exactly how things will end. I’m not blind to that fact. I love my boyfriend. But a lot of things will change over the next few months, and I’ve seen firsthand how big changes can take things that were once so right and effortless and make them so that they just don’t fit anymore.

How to remain optimistic while bracing myself for the likely emotional fallout? How to remain grounded in reality without accepting defeat? There are a few ways this could go, and I’m preparing myself (as much as I can) to roll with ALL of the possible punches. Which is why I’m making 3 playlists. Everyone knows that a themed playlist is second only to therapy as far as emotional catharsis goes, so I’m making one for each possible outcome so that I’m not caught off guard without a good collection of music to put what I’m feeling into words. Here’s what I have so far.

(In the interest of avoiding cliché, I left out some of the more overused breakup songs, because let’s be real, “Someone Like You” and “Irreplaceable” go without saying.)

Playlist #1: Wow, long distance sucks, but other than that, things are going great!

Paris, Tokyo by Lupe Fiasco

You Got Me by The Roots, Erykah Badu

Old College Try by The Mountain Goats

See You Again by Tyler the Creator

Thinkin’ Bout You by Frank Ocean

Faithful by Common

Ours by Taylor Swift

A Summer in Ohio, sung by Anna Kendrick, from The Last Five Years

Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet and The Social Experiment

Angela by The Lumineers

Love by Kendrick Lamar

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel

Closer by The Tiny

Patience by The Lumineers

Playlist #2: You broke my heart and I am blocking out the pain with SMOLDERING RAGE.

I Used To Love You by Gwen Stefani

Swimming Pool by The Front Bottoms

Burn, sung by Phillipa Soo, from Hamilton

Congratulations, sung by Renée Elise Goldsberry, a Hamilton Outtake

Still Hurting, sung by Anna Kendrick, from The Last Five Years

Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill

Another Suitcase in Another Hall, sung by Elaine Page, from Evita

Morning Song by The Lumineers

No Children by The Mountain Goats

The Story of Us by Taylor Swift

Good For You from Dear Evan Hansen

See, I’m Smiling, sung by Anna Kendrick from The Last Five Years

Baboon by The Mountain Goats

Despite What You’ve Been Told by Two Gallants

Playlist #3: Sometimes, the timing’s just not right.

Heard ‘Em Say by Kanye West

Solo by Frank Ocean

Tim McGraw by Taylor Swift

The Mess Inside by The Mountain Goats

Same Drugs by Chance the Rapper

Where Does the Good Go by Tegan and Sara

Close To You by Rihanna

Sometimes I Still Feel The Bruise by The Mountain Goats

Part Of Me by Neck Deep

No Hard Feelings by The Avett Brothers

Only Ones Who Know by The Arctic Monkeys

Ivy by Frank Ocean

The Driveway by Miley Cyrus

Self Control by Frank Ocean

Godspeed by Frank Ocean

Where the Skies are Blue by The Lumineers

Source Decay by The Mountain Goats

Woke Up New by The Mountain Goats

Against Pollution by The Mountain Goats

What I Did for Love from A Chorus Line

How by Regina Spektor

Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones

Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie

Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis

This Too Shall Pass by Danny Schmidt

Those Days Are Gone, and My Heart is Breaking by Barton Carroll

Call Off Your Ghost by Dessa

Is all this just a way to distract myself from the fact that I’ll never be able to truly predict or prepare for heartbreak? Yeah, probably. It’s impossible to know what the future will hold, or if I’m making the right decision, or just how hard this will be. But if I find out that we can do this, then I’ll need a happy, I’m-so-in-love soundtrack to keep me company on the lonely days. And if things go south, hey, at least I’ll have a bumpin’ playlist to cry to.

Best,

Lainie <3

[lainiebeauchemin]

Why I’ll Never Be Over The Mountain Goats (current obsession, prompt choice B)

“This is a song with the same four chords I use most of the time, when I’ve got something on my mind and I don’t want to squander the moment trying to come up with a better way to say what I want to say.”

We all have moments when we just want to be heard, and not be restrained by limits of artistic merit or poetic language. This is one of those moments for me. I’m gonna bust out the same four chords I use most of the time and tell you about something that's been on my mind for about four years, something that, once you get me going, I’ll gladly talk about for hours: the Mountain Goats.

The opening lyrics to the song “You Were Cool”, reproduced above, are sort of a nightmare, if you give a shit about, like, what a song is “supposed” to sound like. They’re sort of sing-spoken in lead singer John Darnielle’s shaky and sometimes grating vocals, and they’re pretty honest with the listener right up front: if you’re looking for something that sounds pretty, this isn’t the song (or band) for you. That’s not to say that the Mountain Goats haven’t proved themselves capable of creating some beautiful sounds -- the hauntingly pretty piano part in “Lakeside View Apartments Suite” and the jovial, damn-it-all-to-hell trumpet wails in “Cry for Judas” come to mind -- but the heart of the Mountain Goats, at least for me, does not beat through their vocals or instrumentals, but rather through their poetry. Every song tells a story, and that story always feels vital, as though the words effortlessly bust through the Darnielle’s heart, brain, and mouth in that order: they arise from some deep necessity in his heart, are refined into words in his brain, and sail through his mouth unhindered by regard to tone or “prettiness”. It’s a formula that’s kept the Mountain Goats’ following small but enduringly loyal throughout their 27 years and 16 studio albums, and one that’s kept me coming back to their music whenever I need to feel rage, sorrow, glee, or just understood.

John Darnielle’s lyrics manage to charm and excite with their originality while landing so precisely that the listener is left wondering why no one's ever thought to use the words that way before. Even “You Were Cool,” whose charm lies in its bluntness and simplicity, upon first listen resonated with parts of me that no other song had ever touched. True to his word, Darnielle comes right out to say exactly what he wants to say:

“People were mean to you. But I always thought you were cool.”

It’s such an earnest sentiment that the authenticity is there in every note. “You Were Cool” is a testament to all survivors of bullying and abuse, but it comes in the form of a personal address so tender and intimate that listening almost feels like eavesdropping. Darnielle, who struggled with abuse and mental illness in his youth, has emerged from the battle of his adolescence bearing the scars. In “You Were Cool,” he’s reaching out to a fellow veteran, but he’s speaking loud enough for everyone who needs to hear it, to hear it: “We held on to hope of better days coming, and when we did, we were right.”

Here are other quotes from the song that have made me a little bit stronger and braver:

“It’s good to be young, but let’s not kid ourselves, it’s better to pass on through those years and come out the other side with our hearts still beating, having stared down demons and come back breathing.”

“You deserved better than you got. Someone’s gotta say it some time, cause it’s true.”

“I hope you love your life now, like I love mine. I hope the painful memories only flex their power over you a little of the time.”

There is so much more to say about John Darnielle: what he went through as a child, how the pain he endured in his youth comes spilling through the songs of his largely autobiographical albums The Sunset Tree and We Shall All Be Healed, how he has come to renounce some of his most beloved work in the spirit of feminism, and how freaking weird he is <3.  Even scratching the surface of the Mountain Goat’s leading man (and solitary constant member in an ever-changing cast of instrumentalists) adds all the more depth and dimension to the stories he tells. But to break down and explore every song’s relationship to its creator would be impossible (or at least a very lengthy endeavor), so I’ll just leave you a list of some of the Mountain Goats’ best and most representative pieces and a little bit about what they mean to me, as well as the links above to give you a taste of the man behind the band.

Best,

Lainie <3

Mountain Goats Essentials

Your Belgian Things (We Shall All Be Healed)  - a tender, melodic funeral hymn for a friend who simply lost control, and the crashing come-down song of a tragic album. In my opinion, the most well-written Goats song of all time.

Color In Your Cheeks (All Hail West Texas) - quite simply, a heartwarming little song about making new friends. 

The Mess Inside (All Hail West Texas) - like “You Were Cool,” this song is heart-rending in its simplicity. It chronicles a couple traveling all over the western hemisphere looking for the love they lost years ago, only to find that it’s gone for good. Their exploits are framed by a wistful refrain: “I wanted you to love me like you used to.”

Damn These Vampires (All Eternals Deck) - for when you’ve reached a point where your life has gone to shit and the toxic people around you keep trying to drain you of what little happiness you have left inside you. This is a song about renouncing those who’ve wronged you and clawing your way back to where you want to be.

Palmcorder Yajna (We Shall All Be Healed) - the second track on an album about opioid addiction, this song captures the manic highs and “aw fuck it” attitude that goeth before the fall.

This Year (The Sunset Tree) - a battle cry for the troubled and the downtrodden everywhere, this song is about maintaining tenacity and grit through the toughest times in life. It’s a teenage Darnielle acknowledging that things are going to get worse before they get better, but god damn it, they will get better, and he is going to make it through this year if it kills him.

Up The Wolves (The Sunset Tree) - this song is for anyone staring into the face of adversity and trying to find the courage to overcome it. I still have no idea what the hell he’s talking about in the refrain of this song,  but I fell like my heart does, you know?

Source Decay (All Hail West Texas) - another of my favorite songs of all time. It masterfully eludes its central conflict by vaguely referencing it but never indulging the reader with the full story, only the fallout. Darnielle’s description of the moment when your heart breaks and the desperate lengths you go to to make sense of the tragedy rings so true that it never fails to make me tear up.

No Children (Tallahassee) - a pessimistic depiction of a marriage gone from broken to downright poisonous in, the style of something like a rousing sea shanty. Great for when you’re mad and hurting and need to scream-sing the phrase “I hope you die” at the top of your lungs.

Tallahassee (Tallahassee) - two tethered souls make their way down to a sleepy neighborhood in Tallahassee, Florida to drink away their sorrows. An album ensues.

Have to Explode (Tallahassee) - a rather sweet and subdued testament to the bond formed by two suffering souls hitting rock bottom together.

Old College Try (Tallahassee) - this song is like a pessimist’s wedding vows set to music: heartfelt, even romantic, but laced with dread for what’s to come. Basically “I can already tell this is doomed for failure, but there’s no one with whom I’d rather walk this path to eventual divorce.”

Amy aka Spent Gladiator 1 (Transcendental Youth) - awesome for when you want to find your inner “tortured soul,” engage in reckless behaviors, and also mourn the death of Amy Winehouse.

Lakeside View Apartments Suite (Transcendental Youth) - this song contains some of the most haunting lines in the entire Mountain Goat’s discography. The eerie sadness and ambiguity of this song are what make it so effective.

The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton (All Hail West Texas) - tells the story of two troubled teenage boys and their untitled death metal band. What more do you want?