#and we've been trying and trying to find resources for figuring this out but most new headmate guides are either:

[nexus-nebulae]

kinda wanna cry bc i just dont know who i am rn and havent really for weeks and every other known front gets harder and harder to sustain

[vidavalor]

Just on the back of your last post about how Aziraphale and Crowley have been a couple for (literal) ages, of which you have me thoroughly convinced, there's one thing I've never been able to figure out.

In 1941, when Crowley saves the books, what are we seeing from Aziraphale? By this point he knows damned 😉 well that Crowley adores him, so I very much doubt the 'this is when Aziraphale realised his love was returned' theory. Is it to do with their holy water fight?

Apologies if you've covered this already but I've read through your master post and most of your previous posts and couldn't find anything. I keep musing on it and thinking 'oh Vidavalor will know but I shouldn't bother them'!

Ground Control to Mr. Tom! 😊 Hi there. 💕 You are correct that I haven't done a post about this, which feels very much like my all-over-the-place blog, because this is one of the most-discussed scenes in the show. 😂 You are absolutely not a bother! Do not speak such silliness. I'm going to explain my take on that scene with some help from The Archangel Fucking Gabriel. Therefore, there is hot chocolate, should you want a mug.😊

This is also going to be my contribution to the Azirafeast celebrations so I wish any of you reading this many scrumptious returns!

Below the cut is the one in which someone who thinks Crowley and Aziraphale have been lovers since ancient Rome offers an opinion on what's going on with Aziraphale and the books in 1941... by way of a look at what we might be able to learn about this moment from its sister moment in Gabriel & Beez's flashback.

Be them real people or fictional ones, angels-- especially our two, main ones on Good Omens-- are not accustomed to feeling seen.

This is largely because they believe they exist to sacrifice themselves for the protection and betterment of others... that this is literally what they were made by God to do... or at least what they've been told God wants them to do... and, as we know, they've got plenty of questions over all of that.

They can often feel guilty about their consumption of resources-- or their curiosity about doing so in different ways-- when they've been told that those resources and the experiences that come with them are not for them, even if all evidence seems to suggest that might not really be the case.

They are told they are supposed to live small lives of sacrifice and are, as a result, full of conflicts about their hungers, their needs, their desires... about their love, and the want of a free life of their own.

They exhibit perfectionist behaviors, are full of self-criticism, and are excessively self-sacrificing.

Intellectually, they know they are a person with wants and needs like everyone else but they've been taught that they are supposed to be above all of that and breaking free of that abuse comes with negative self-thoughts, anxiety, depression, and a whole slew of other fun struggles.

That attempted thought control and oppression of people that is responsible for these angels' inner torment, though? As The Supreme Archangel aptly puts it while having a total breakdown shown by chasing his metaphorical self (The Fly) around the bookshop and trying to kill it with a Bible...

...it never works.

It might, unfortunately, get some people but it never, ultimately, works in society as a whole for very long because people want to live. People are made to live. They will seek out coffee over death and rebel against any society that seeks to oppress them in whatever way that they can. Eventually, angels who want to break free will find different ways of letting themselves be individuals on their own terms, even as they are still full of conflict about it, as we've seen Aziraphale and Gabriel do throughout the story.

They'll express themselves in different ways but with the same sense of desperation to have something of their own as a way of admitting that they are a person, too.

Maybe, one night, an angel will, say, allow himself to indulge his hungers by eating an entire ox... maybe in front of the demon he'd like to consume with just as much enthusiasm. Maybe those hungers become ones that, despite his inner conflicts that lead to periodic episodes of depression and fasting, this angel will allow himself to otherwise regularly satiate, and in which he finds enjoyment, nourishment, connection and peace, that he would not have otherwise found.

Maybe, on another night, a different angel will let himself slip away from Heaven and return having consumed resources for himself, in the form of a tailor-made suit that serves as proof to himself that he isn't just a symbol but an individual person in his own right. Maybe it gives him a connection to his body that also leads to him jogging and exploring more of the world. Maybe he allows himself the freedom of owning what he can of his own body and own appearance because control over these things have otherwise been taken from him in the process of denying his personhood and making him more of a symbol to be venerated.

While these are good examples of these two angels finding different but similar, healthy paths to recognizing themselves as people, it's one thing to recognize yourself but another thing for someone else to recognize you.

Angels are wonderful at taking care of everyone else but they sometimes have a blind spot when it comes to their own needs and safety. They are so busy taking care of everyone else that they are prone to making mistakes with their own care.

Such as this angel below being so pleased with an opportunity to contribute to the war effort that he missed that he'd accidentally let himself be recruited by the wrong side...

...and needing his partner to identify some Nazis and redirect some bombs to keep him from being discorporated...

...and such as this other angel below being pleased with his ability to show care towards his new partner...

...but also, as we can see by the expression in his reaction to Beez's suggestion above, so unused to being cared for that, even if he was intellectually aware of it, the aspect of partnership involving mutual care was so foreign to him that it threw him for a bit of a loop.

Sometimes, an angel will be going through a period of struggle when it comes to their interactions with the world. It's often times not even just the feeling that they should just be advisors more than active participants and that the world is not for them. They are, in these moments, just imposter syndrome run amok, and that robs them of pursuing that which makes them feel happy and fulfilled.

Loving an angel in this mode requires gentle, genuine, affirming care:

The imposter syndrome modes can strike at any time for angels but tend to do so especially when they've very recently tried to engage with the world in a big way and saw it backfire.

Like when they spend a lot of time trying to sort out their place in the world and regularly go back and forth between being so influential that they personally own and have developed an entire city neighborhood but also then have days when they don't want to open their own bookshop to the world.

Like when they are supposed to be an angel and nothing else but, if they could choose a vocation, they'd be doing card tricks and pulling rabbits out of hats at birthday parties for all of eternity, and they feel so massively guilty about it that they tell themselves that the magic shop is not a place for them.

But maybe never more than like when there is a war on... an absolutely massive, global war... the first atomic war, the war that could bring about Armageddon, for all the angel knows... and everyone in the human world is trying to do their bit as best they can and, one day, a young woman claiming to be British intelligence knocks on the door and says that they need the angel-- this particular angel and only him... this angel who sometimes feels like he doesn't always know how best to help but wants nothing more than to be good and do good and help others.

The Allied Forces needs Mr. Fell for an intelligence mission to help thwart the Nazis and work towards stopping the war. And what do they need from this angel, in particular?

They need his books.

Aziraphale collects books of all kinds but he has two major personal collections that are highlighted in the story. One is humorous and self-aware-- a collection of misprinted Bibles. Those are living proof of the fallacy of language and gospel-- of the bullshit of people. They are comforting to him in their existence, as they reinforce his sense that following what others say is the word of God is not really a better path than following his own moral compass. The Allied Forces don't need these books, though.

They need the other ones that Aziraphale has been collecting forever:

His books of prophecy.

This angel collects written works by humans that profess to be prophetic. He has original works of Nostradamus and Mother Shipton and many others. He has preserved them throughout centuries, keeping them safe in his care, even if the works are, largely, complete and utter balderdash. He has kept these books, nutty as they are, safe from damage and in existence, for years, just in the event that maybe these humans, in some way, really did have answers as to the future of the world in which the angel lives, too.

The one that he knows has been slated to be destroyed around 6,000 years from its inception-- a date that was approaching closer with each breath in 1941.

Was it really going to happen? Was there a way to stop it? Aziraphale has been trying to see if maybe the humans have found a way, studying their prophetic works for centuries upon centuries, anxiously looking for clues on how to stop Armageddon and save the world he loves...

...and also therefore be able, as a result, to stay on Earth with the person he loves and not be separated from him for eternity.

It's these books of this angel-- these beloved, material possessions; these perfect examples of everything that he's been told that he's not supposed to have-- that Captain Rose Montgomery of British Intelligence says that he can provide to entrap some Nazis and help save the world for his fellow humans and his partner.

An angel's biggest blind spot is always wanting to help and never feeling like they're doing enough. They're vulnerable to trusting the wrong people for the right reasons. Their desperation to do good and be good in the face of feeling like they're not a good person at all can cause them to have the best of intentions but be open to manipulation by those with the worst of ones.

Sometimes, it's a human Nazi. Sometimes, it's a supernatural one...

...same difference. Both dangerous. Both examples of an area where an angel might not survive if they don't let in a trusted person who can give to them the same love and care they give to everyone else.

The fallout from making a mistake can be devastating to an angel.

They feel embarrassed and snappish-- the anger and frustration related to the miscalculated situation triggering (and masking) the anxiety and depression to which angels are hardly strangers.

They can retreat into self-doubt. Moments of bravery when it comes to trying again are sometimes just as quickly diluted by their compounding insecurity and the fear that they are just jiggery-pokery and do not belong in the world.

This is when they need their demons the most.

Demons? They are fallen angels.

They know all this about angels because they're not much different themselves.

They have had the experience of having to redefine themselves in the face of being told by their societies that they were no longer angels and, in some ways, that has freed the more introspective demons to have enough perspective to offer counsel to willing angels as to how to manage those conflicts.

These demons, like Crowley and Beez, are uniquely well-suited to loving angels because they have also been through these same conflicts-- and still struggle with many of them.

These demons have experienced violence and violation as a result their angelic conflicts. They are drawn towards the inherent goodness of their angels, who approach them with kindness, respect, and a sense of equality to which the demons are not accustomed but which helps to build trust.

Just as these demons seek to protect these angels from harm that might befall them in the future, the angels we're discussing are both mindful of their partners' pasts and take care to help them feel safe. They are emphatic about their partners' comfort, reinforce their expectations of a partnership involving free choice and equality, and continually make clear that they consider-- and will always consider-- explicit, enthusiastic consent essential.

Their demons' knowledge of the darker aspects of the world also make them uniquely aware of the risks to their angels and they seek to protect them from experiencing the same pain they have felt from trusting the wrong faces. They do everything they can to keep their angels from falling-- literally, as in from Heaven, or more figuratively, as into despair.

They give them music and food and companionship... they open up the world for the angels and help them live life with the other people in the pub, literally and metaphorically. They explore the human world with them and make them feel less alone, letting the angels do the same for them.

Loving an angel is first seeing that angel there and acknowledging their humanity. It's affirming their imperfection as being just part of personhood and holding up that personhood as being worthy of love. It is reflecting back to the angels the same empathy, openness, and lack of judgement as what the angels give to them.

It's seeing that the angel who wrestles with living up to the expectations of the statues in his honor and the titles for which he never asked is, really, an imperfect, good-hearted, kind person beneath his snarky, sharp-edged exterior. It's seeing the depression that clouds his eyes and the fine edges he's walking in Heaven and knowing what comes next more than maybe can see in the moment and protecting him, as best as someone can, from the fallout of those actions.

Beez knows what it is to fall. They see Gabriel already in a downward motion in every way there is and knows that it comes with risk of losing himself, the way that they once did themselves. They dump out the matchsticks because the good kind of fire is already lit between them and the fire of Hell is not for their angel. They gift him a fly-- that which is made from their body. They are Gabriel's container. He is safe by putting all of himself, literally and figuratively, into Beez.

While this is a big moment in the Ineffable Bureaucracy parallel and one that also parallels the holy water, Gabriel's response to it is a mirror to Aziraphale's response to Crowley saving the books in 1941. What can Gabriel maybe tell us about what Aziraphale was feeling then, through what is similar and what is different about these two moments?

For starters, Gabriel and Beez knew how they felt about one another before The Fly. They already had shared that through "Everyday". The Fly is not an "oh" moment for Gabriel, in the sense that it wasn't a sudden revelation of either Beez's love or of his own. If anything, he and Beez never really had an "oh" moment in that sense of one because elements of how they both felt were always just understood and present in their interactions.

This is honestly true of a lot of relationships. A lot of "oh" moments are not so much becoming aware of having feelings for someone but are just being hit with a new aspect of love that both/all parties is/are already aware is in existence, even if it hasn't always yet been fully spoken.

In S1, we see that Gabriel and Beez only let their guard down around one another. They have always been as close to friends as they could be in their positions. They already care about one another when we first see them together and then, in S2, Gabriel is completely unsurprised at Beez's flirting with him moments into the first date-- and Beez had no hesitation in doing so, suggesting that they likely have before.

Their attraction to one another is presented as an existing given between them from the very start of their flashback sequence. There's no "oh" over The Fly or anything else because they just know. They start to give words and actions to it as they fall deeper in love throughout the scenes but there's never any doubt that they both have been long-aware of what exists between them.

If anything, Ineffable Bureaucracy is probably the real, millennia-long pining relationship in Good Omens, as while they had all these very good foundations for a romantic relationship, they didn't really begin to pursue one until between S1 and S2.

Gabriel's response to The Fly parallels Aziraphale's response to Crowley saving the books in 1941, even if the contrasting part of the parallel is that both are responses to gestures made by these demons for their angels in very different stages of these relationships.

For Gabriel, The Fly is an "oh" moment-- but not one that is about a new revelation related to love existing. It's about what is, for him, a heartbreakingly new experience:

It's not that Gabriel doesn't already know how he and Beez both feel about one another because already he does by this point. Gabriel isn't having a realization of the existence of his love or of Beez's love when Beez gives him The Fly; he's having a realization that this is what it feels like to be loved.

And what is feeling loved, to an angel?

It's being and feeling truly seen.

It's someone noticing them and coming along to care for them while they're out there, trying to save the world when they're sometimes not sure they can even save themselves. It's someone seeing that in them and not seeing anything worth berating them about the way that they berate themselves but, instead, seeing a person worthy of their love and protection.

Loving an angel is giving them the same kindness and care that they give to the world but that they often deny themselves.

For Gabriel, that night in The Resurrectionist was the first time that anyone had ever done something like that for him. It wasn't an "oh" of I'm in love because he already knew that and that Beez felt the same way. It was an "oh", though, of falling deeper in love. It was an "oh" of feeling love.

Beez had already done kind things for him before they gave him The Fly but The Fly and its matchbox are the first ever physical things Gabriel has been given by someone. He has never had any possessions besides his clothes before. He's never been given a gift.

He and Beez go to bars and pubs on their dates; they're surrounded by humans with songs and birthdays and Christmases and going on dates and living a life that involves tangible, physical things that Gabriel is supposed to be above but to which he is drawn.

On the first two dates we see, he and Beez meet up in places but they do not order anything. They do consume the music together and, by the night at The Resurrectionist, they take another step towards engaging more in the human world that they've largely been absorbing and observing together to date. They do so through allowing themselves to be a part of the space, too-- Gabriel miracling the song on the jukebox for Beez-- but also through material objects.

They start ordering stuff. Gabriel is happy to bring Beez something-- buying them beer and a bag of chips/packet of crisps, even if they're undecided on actually consuming them. He makes it clear that he doesn't have any expectations that Beez actually eat or drink anything if they don't want to but the idea is that they have moved to a place where they can see what the humans see in bringing one another things as they move through the world together.

Gabriel has gone from a being who barely knows why he's meeting Beez in this bar to being excited to see them again and happy to buy them a drink and their preferred snack to stare at. Beez is having a ball getting the food-judgy-if-also-food-curious Gabriel to buy them what they've clearly told him he had best call a packet of crisps if he plans on seeing them again. 😂 They have begun to let themselves claim resources for each other and themselves and to start to get less intense about consumption, which are features of recognizing the humanity in one another and themselves.

Gabriel's "oh" moment when he is given The Fly is that this is the first time he knows what it's like to experience the world as a person who has a person who cares about them and has brought them something.

What he means when he says "no one's ever given me anything before" is really "no one's ever thought about me before."

He means no one has ever seen him there-- until Beez did.

The gift of The Fly reminds Gabriel of that and shows him getting used to the new feeling of not being invisible and alone. He falls deeper in love with Beez and sees them more fully in return as well as a result of their gift and that, it could be argued, is what love is.

Love, if it's good, is a lot of "oh" moments-- because you don't fall in love once. You fall over and over again, deeper each time.

The difference between this moment with Gabriel and Beez versus the paralleling one between Crowley and Aziraphale is that, by 1941, our angel, Aziraphale, has known years upon years upon years of being seen by his demon.

(Amusingly, considering the theme of love as recognition, The Serpent is also literally, ya know, um, rather watchful at times. 😂)

Aziraphale is no stranger to Crowley being kind to him or rescuing him from the times he might have blundered, like we all do at times, in trying to do good.

Crowley saving the books in 1941 is absolutely not the first time that he's ever done something as Beez-and-The-Fly-level romantic as this for Aziraphale. In many ways, that's likely the point.

While The Fly was the first time of what will be many that Gabriel experienced what it was to feel loved by feeling seen, Crowley saving Aziraphale's books is a gesture that could not have happened at all without Crowley's long-held, intimate knowledge of Aziraphale as a person.

What makes Crowley saving Aziraphale's books so romantic isn't even just that he knows how important the books are to Aziraphale but that he knows Aziraphale so well that he could predict that the books would need rescuing.

Crowley knew that his angel would only focus on getting the two of them out of the church alive and unharmed and absolutely was going to forget about those beloved books of his while trying to protect them both and then be completely and utterly crushed when he did.

In this way, it's a contrasting parallel to Gabriel and Beez because, while that was the first time Gabriel had ever felt seen, 1941 is time number six trillion and five that Crowley had made Aziraphale feel seen like this and he's now so well-practiced at it that it's old hat at this point.

There is no judgement from Crowley about what happened with the Nazis in any of this. Aziraphale is horrible to himself over things like mistakes like he made in this church and being forgetful about these books but Crowley sees no such need for any of that. He protects Aziraphale from the fallout but in such a way that says he admires Aziraphale for trying to take the actions that he did. He sees Aziraphale as brave and his actions quietly affirm, much in the way that Beez does for Gabriel, that just because they are an angel who is used to doing for others doesn't mean they're not also a person who needs someone to do for them, too, and that Crowley is happy to be that person.

Aziraphale is reminded by Crowley knowing him well enough to anticipate that the books will need to be saved and taking care of that for him that they are a team. That Aziraphale doesn't have to worry about managing everything on his own because he and Crowley help each other manage life. They know each other well and have been together so long that they just know how to take care of one another.

It's not an "oh" of a realization of I'm in love for the first time. It is, as Michael Sheen says, a moment of falling in love. It's an "oh" of having been in love for a very long time and that love still finding new ways to surprise in its ability to keep causing Aziraphale to happily fall deeper and deeper...

This isn't realizing love and it's not the first time that Crowley has done something sweet and romantic like this for him-- it's the power of it being the nine billionth time Crowley has. It's the feeling of "oh" for Aziraphale that is a reminder that he is safe in the knowledge that Crowley knows him, through and through, and when confronted with the most real Aziraphale there is... the one that can be prone to making mistakes out of insecurities and self-doubt... the one that struggles sometimes with self-worth and brutal perfectionism... Crowley knows, sees him there, and is still madly in love with him.

Crowley never sees Aziraphale as weak or lesser for feeling any of it. He loves those sides of Aziraphale because he loves all of Aziraphale. He won't let Aziraphale be embarrassed because he likes and admires him as he is. He's gentle and kind and understanding about Aziraphale's insecurities, treating Aziraphale with the same care that Aziraphale shows him.

Crowley, better than anyone else ever has or will, sees Aziraphale for who Aziraphale truly is.

He loves that angel and his love helps Aziraphale to quiet some of his self-doubts and be a little kinder to himself-- much in the same way that Aziraphale's love does for Crowley. Crowley loving him makes Aziraphale feel like maybe there's a chance that he might be worth loving.

Loving an angel is making them feel seen and Aziraphale, holding those books Crowley rescued for him?

He felt very loved indeed.

The "oh" moment of 1941 is one moment where we see that Aziraphale has just been reminded of just how much Crowley truly sees him there-- and of just how much Crowley loves him. What we are watching, imho, is not the first realization of love but just one of a million different moments throughout history of Aziraphale continuing to fall deeper and deeper in love with Crowley.

[grison-in-space]

Currently rereading Eric Flint's 1632 and reflecting on just how influential Flint was to me and my approach to both praxis and politics as a teenager. I found Flint when I was about thirteen or fourteen, around the time I found Pratchett I think, and he's left an equally wide thumbprint on my soul. Isn't that the most wonderful thing about stories, that people you've never met can help shape our adult selves? Mother of Demons I often recommend for its SFF worldbuilding--Flint built a species with at least four genders, only some of which are reproductive, and associated "normal" sexual orientations, and then proceeded to write in a textually intersex character and queer the hell out of it.

1632, though, is the one where a little West Virginia town in 2000 gets picked up and dropped in the middle of Thuringia, Germany in the eponymous year--right in the middle of the Thirty Years War. The local United Mine Workers of America chapter plays a major role, particularly its head.

As I write this I'm listening to the scene where the little town of Grantville, having admitted after a few days that they are probably not ever going home, is crowded into the high school gymnasium listening to the mayor lay that reality out and suggesting an interim council to help the town set out a sort of constitutional convention so they can work out what on earth they're going to do moving forward--especially since there's a bunch of displaced refugees collecting in the forests nearby. Sensible of them, really; the Americans murdered the shit out of the local soldiers that displaced them, on account of how the shaken mine workers that went out to figure out WTF happened not being super down with suddenly running into a bunch of fuckheads raping the locals and torturing people to find out where their valuables might be. After that, said Americans proceeded to retreat into the town boundaries and gibber quietly to themselves. I would go lurk in their woods, too.

Anyway, the mayor sets up this proposal, everyone agrees, and a CEO who was visiting for his son's wedding at the time steps forward and says: look. I know how to lead, and I'm probably the most qualified person here. I lead a major industry corporation effectively and I did that after my time as a Navy officer. I put myself forward because I'm qualified. Now, we're going to need to circle the wagons to get through the winter, tighten our belts, but we can get through this. We can't support all these refugees, though; we'll have to seal the border so they can't bring disease--they're a drain on our resources we can't afford--

and the UMWA guy, he gets really mad listening to this. There's this Sephardic refugee woman he's real taken with who got swept up in the town first thing, and she's sitting in and listening; he's thinking about throwing her out, thinking about how much she knows about the place they're found in, and he's furious. But he gets a good grip on his anger and he marches up and he says, look. This dude has been here two days and he's already talking about downsizing?! You're going to listen to this CEO talking about cuts, cuts, cuts? Nah. Trying to circle the wagons is probably impossible, it's stupid, and if you think my men and I are going to enforce that, you can fuck off. That proposal is inside out and bass ackwards. We've got about a six mile diameter of Grantville here; how much food do YOU think we're going to grow? How about the soldiers wandering around, do you think we're going to be able to fight armies off on our lonesome? Look at the few refugees we already have in the room, they'll tell you how those armies will treat you! We could do it for a while, the amount of gun nuts here, but so what? We don't have enough people to shoot them! Not if we're going to do anything else to keep us going! We have about six months of stockpiled coal to keep going, and without another source or getting the coal mines working, we're screwed. We have technical strength but we don't have the supplies or resources we would need to maintain it. Those refugees? They're resources. We need people to do the work we will need to keep ourselves. The hell with downsizing; let's grow outwards! Bring people in, give them safety, see what they can bring to the table once they've had a moment! He invokes: send us your tired, your poor!, and the CEO yells in frustration: this isn't America! so he yells back "it will be!"

And of course everyone cheers. I love Flint for many reasons but he is unapologetic about affection for the America of ideals--ideals, he freely admits, that are often honored in the breach rather than the observance, ideals that are messy and flawed, but nevertheless ideals that can work to inspire us to become the best version of ourselves. For Flint, history is as valuable as a source of stories to inspire ourselves as it is a repository of knowledge, and on this I tend to agree with him. We must learn from our moments of shame but equally we must learn from moments that show us how to be our best selves.

It's been twenty three years and the text is now an interesting historical document in its own right, hitting points and rhythms in beats that are sometimes out of place today. It's not perfect. But the novel contains a commitment to joy and to emphasizing the leaps of faith and understanding that regular, everyday people make every day to try and support each other that I routinely try to match in my writing.

Anyway, one of the strengths of the novel, I think, is its gender politics: it's a very ensemble kind of novel, lots of characters, and it's preoccupied with positive masculinity in a lot of ways. There's a lot of these hyper masculine characters--Mike Stearns perhaps more than anyone else--and--and...

... And Flint's characterization of Stearns, as he sketches out who the man is--his pivotal American leader, ex boxer, working class organizer, big man.... well, it lands equally on "he is delighted and astonished to find a local woman who quickly assesses how the cushion of air in tires works," and "he considers who to set up a Jewish refugee in the middle of Germany up with and he thinks to ask the Jewish family he grew up with to host her and her ill father because he thinks she'll be most comfortable there", and "he views people as potential assets rather than potential drains." A younger man asks him for advice on whether to pursue a professional sports career because of the boxing and he says no, you're in the worst place of not being quite good enough and you'll blow out your knees without accomplishing safety. He frames that interaction such that he allows his own experiences to make him vulnerable and invite the younger man to understand when a struggle have worth it.

It's actually a really deft portrayal of intense masculinity that also makes a virtue of a bunch of traits more usually associated with women: empathy, relational sensitivity, the ability to listen. As a blueprint for what a positive masculinity can look like, vs the toxic kind, it's very well done. I think sometimes when we look at gender roles in terms of virtues, and when masculinity is defined in terms of opposition to femininity, people get lost by arguing that virtues assigned to one gender are somehow antithetical to another gender. In fact that's never been the case: virtues are wholly neutral and can appear in any gender. What the gender does is inflect the ways we expect that virtue to appear in terms of individuals' actions within their society.

Gender isn't purely an individual trait, basically; it's a product of our collective associations. Two characters with different genders can display the same virtues and strengths, but we imagine them expressed in different ways according to our cultural expectations around gender. And I just think that's neat.

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

The Silence of the Lambs is an unnerving film with memorable scenes, intense performances and terrific characters… along with plenty of gore. This makes it a horror film - the only one to ever win an Academy Award for Best Picture - so far. On its own, the central mystery would be enough but we get much, much more.

25-year-old FBI trainee Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) is assigned to interview Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins), a former psychiatrist and cannibalistic serial killer apprehended six years ago. Officially, Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn) wants her to convince Hannibal to fill out a questionnaire. Unofficially, he hopes she can convince Hannibal to help find “Buffalo Bill” (Ted Levine), a serial killer who has been abducting and murdering women.

It doesn’t take long for you to realize that director Jonathan Demme isn’t simply giving us another serial killer detective story. When Clarice hops into an elevator at the academy, all of the men inside tower over her. While she isn’t the only woman studying to become an FBI agent, there’s a recurring theme of her being debased or disrespected because she is a woman. Jack Crawford makes an unintentional remark to some police officers, Dr. Frederick Chilton (Anthony Heald) at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane doesn’t take her seriously and makes certain assumptions about her interview with Lecter (considering what Crawford says later, he might be slightly right), at least one inmate gets particularly lewd once he sees her. The theme continues with Buffalo Bill, who has a fundamental misunderstanding of what a woman even is, which leads him to commit his gruesome - and bizarre - murders. The only person (besides a female student played by Kasi Lemmons) who seems to treat Clarice with respect… is Hannibal.

Labelling Clarice as nothing more than "the film's female aspiring FBI agent" would be a mistake. Starling is a memorable character. She’s resourceful, smarter than she looks, doesn’t easily get rattled, and develops this odd sort of relationship with Lecter that says a lot about who she is and why she wants to join the FBI. At one point, Hannibal is offering her clues that could help her apprehend Buffalo Bill but in exchange, he demands to know more about her childhood. Obviously, he's using the techniques he learned as a psychologist to gather more information than even we could understand. During the interrogation, we learn where the movie's title comes from. Considering all of the grisly sights we see, it’s telling that the most chilling moment is that exchange. There’s something about Lecter that’s so dangerous. He’s classy. He’s smart. He always seems to have the perfect remark whenever anyone says anything to him. He’s alluring but just as you start getting close to the glass, you remember that he’s a monster.

With Clarice and Hannibal sufficiently covered, we can now talk about the mystery. If it took me this long, it's because if the movie was just a conversation between those characters, it would be enough. You’re glued to the screen watching them interact. You’re having a great time putting the pieces together, trying to figure these people out. Then, they part ways and you remember "Oh, right! The mystery!" How could you have forgotten? Buffalo Bill has captured another victim (Brooke Smith as Catherine Martin, who actually creates a memorable character with her few scenes). There’s only so much time before he does whatever it is he does to her. We've seen the other victims. We don't quite understand what it is that's going to happen, but we know it's not good. Martin’s mother, a U.S. Senator (Diane Baker) has the power to accelerate processes - anything to get her daughter back. Hannibal knows it. So does Clarice. Jonathan Demme and screenplay writer Ted Tally (who bases it off of the novel by Thomas Harris) keep playing tennis with you, moving you from the interviews with Lecter, to the mystery with the FBI and back again.

The Silence of the Lambs is a thriller that makes you sweat. Its horror elements will make you uneasy and one thing’s for sure, there’s no forgetting this movie once you’ve seen it. The performances are exceptional and even some of the smaller parts are far and above what you’d expect to see, even in a classy horror film - well, as classy as you can be when you have severed heads in bottles and rotting corpses dug out of rivers. I'm returning to the idea that it is a horror movie because it's an important quality of Silence of the Lambs. It's gruesome, it's thrilling, it's filled with engaging characters and it is undeniably frightening. (On Blu-ray, January 16th, 2023)

[shelandsorcery]

Astronomics Game Art : Designing Mining Equipment!

Gonna talk this week about designing mining equipment for the sci-fi game Astronomics - demo on steam right now! - And I thought I'd start with a little conversation about research and process (...that doesn't really have on a much art in it but just stay with me) and maybe get to tap in a little bit into how someone like me who doesn't do a lot of technical design learned a lot about how to get excited about that whole field through the research stage of this game.

So when I say research I really do mean fairly old-school research — and this is probably gonna be a theme with a lot of the posts about this game in particular, because I don't think you can build sci-fi without some understanding of engineering systems and current scientific realities to then play with, you know?

As you may gather from the trailer, Astronomics is a game about asteroid mining, among other things. Which meant that we had a lot of need for legit industrial feeling props and tools for the player to use, things that felt functional and believable without feeling complicated or delicate. I really enjoy the challenge of adding appeal to something that maybe people don't always think about being appealing or fun or cute (this is never an absolute statement — there's always somebody already able to see more appeal in any given subject and I could ever imagine) so part of the research stage is going and looking for that appeal. So above you can see a sheet of loose rough sketches I did in clip studio paint from reference that I gathered with the rest of the team and by myself that seemed relevant to some of the designs we were pursuing.

If you've had the chance to play the demo, you'll know that it's not just surface mining but we are going to be letting you mind gases and liquids and underground mineral veins as well — these are all things that people do in the real world of course, so process one was taking a quick look at those actual industries and then figuring out how I could condense that activity down into a pretty simple and easy to understand machine.

So turned out what we needed was something that drilled and dug, something that pumped liquids, something that sucked air, and all of these things needed to then produce some sort of container to hold what they had collected.

In a videogame you really need to communicate to the player why each act they do is significant and different from the others, and as the art director it was my job to figure how to do that through visual design of the tools they're going to be using. So that meant that even though you could certainly store liquid and gas and solid resources in the same kind of box, I wanted to try and find ways to keep each thing feeling different. Best case scenario is that you're able to look at a prop we've designed and know in a split second which of these three states of matter it will be containing; in the research stage one of the things I'm looking for is any existing visual language that we have (in this Western English-speaking North American videogame audience culture) that already solves this problem.

The great thing about industrial design is that they indeed have very intentionally tackled this problem. Part of it is purely physics optimization that the field of engineering has been working towards for human history. For example, when you're storing liquid and you want to remove all of it from a container you probably don't want something with corners — that's how you end up with cylindrical liquid storage. When you're storing a gas you're likely keeping it under pressure, which means you need a shape that will withstand pressure evenly, which means you're looking for something with literally no corners or edges ideally — and that's how you end up with bubble-shaped gas storage like a propane canister. And then when you're storing something solid and you want to use the space most efficiently and be able to stack whatever it is that you have packed it into, you have a box.

Real good news is, a box and a cylinder and a sphere are all wonderfully visually distinct shapes in a fantastically strong place to start when it comes to solving the question of storage. So then we get into the challenge of the machines themselves — what distinguishes a drill from a pump from a vacuum?

So that's the beginning of some of the questions that you have to answer when you're designing props for a game — in the research stage is only one of bunch of different ways you start figuring out these answers. But I want to talk for just a second a little bit about how I personally wrangle my research, because I am definitely not telling you this is the only way to do it. It seems like it may be worth explaining what I get out of this process and see if anything here make sense for you!

One of the reasons that I have this huge page of sketches, big and detailed or tiny and loose, all laid out in one place for me to look at, is because I personally learn and remember things more strongly by taking notes. With my hand holding a pencil ideally. And when they're abstract concepts or verbal or numerical then I'll use writing and I won't have a problem with it, but my job at this stage was not to figure out abstract concepts or to find themes — my job was to solve visual problems. So my first order of business was visual research specifically. Now for me, that involves lots of things — I have a Pinterest board for any sort of subcategory of stuff I'm researching to just do enormous broad research with; then I probably bring most of those images into a huge working .PSD file and move them around to create groupings. And then I start drawing.

I really think that drawing is integral for me at this stage. I don't think I could do this without drawing as part of my research. There's so much that I just don't bother noticing if I'm not going to be drawing the thing that I'm looking at; even the worst, fastest, sketchy as drawing makes me pay infinitely more attention to something then I do when I am simply collecting information mentally. I'm phrasing this in a somewhat exaggerated, self-deprecating way, but I really can't exaggerate how much more I get out of things when I sit down and draw them. They talk about drawing is a way of seeing, and for me that's a practice I've intentionally pushed and explored in my life.

The other thing, though, is that visual problem that I need to solve. Sometimes solutions to the problem aren't obvious until they are visualized — it can be very easy to get distracted by things like surface details and miss the silhouette language, or vice versa, but when you are doing the drawing you have to wrestle with the silhouette and the details and make decisions about them. Visual trends appear way more clear when you are drawing something for the 10th time as opposed to simply seeing it for the 10th time. And all of the layers of cultural meaning and context that clutter up a photograph can be simply ignored as you transfer only what you need to a drawing, where you might discover something that everything else hid until then. Beyond that, one of the things you may notice about the sketches is that they are somewhat cartoony — I'm certainly trying to capture important details and be representational to a degree, but much like gesture drawing the human figure, researching this way lets me start finding out what the gestures are of these different sorts of subject matter. This is something that I knew about creature design, and about flora design, and one of the real joys of this game in particular was proving to myself that this gesture approach applied to industrial machines and technology as well.

I mean, I knew that there were cute trucks out there, but gosh.

I think if you are in need of something to reinvigorate a particular piece of subject matter for you — if you're designing something that you are just not that excited about, or if you don't feel challenged by the work in front of you — I really think sitting and sketching from reference can open up the complexities and help push you and your work farther. It certainly works for me and I know that the learning I did on this game is something I carry with me to future projects as well.

That seems like a pretty strong place to leave this post in particular, but I'll be back later this week with more breakdowns and screen caps of the actual design process of all of our adorable mining equipment!

I would really love to hear from folks if you also engage in similar research processes before going into full design mode — or if you have a completely different way to get your mind revved up and ready to go, I would really enjoy reading about it!

In the meantime, if you're curious about mining asteroids but it's cute please feel free to check out the Astronomics demo on steam, I made an awful lot of visdev art for this and handed it off to some incredible game creators who have done some really impressive stuff taking their ideas and my ideas and running to honestly some pretty new and exciting places with them.

[gray-ace-space]

What baffled me most about finding out I'm on the ace spec is that apparently sexual attraction is not just an elaborate joke. Like, it's always been bugging me when people in fiction went "I cannot hold back anymore!! D:<" Of course, you can??? Turns out, they actually really cannot? Idk. Cheating as well? Couldn't be me. Never in my life did I look at a person I find aesthetically pleasing thinking "I need you in my bed right now" or whatever. Not even people I I'm romantically involved with.

Like, I'm married and sometimes I have sex and it's fine but we've spent so much time trying to "fix" the sex part of our relationship thinking something gotta be "wrong" with going weeks to months without sex and me never feeling like initiating anything.(Everything else is fine and we're happy) And then I figured I'm ace (and my partner might actually be on the ace spec as well, having ended a relationship once because his ex wanted way more sex than him) and now everything is just super chill? The (societal?) pressure (in my head) is gone, it's alright, I feel so much better about myself. There's more to a relationship than sexual attraction.

oh yeah, when you're given no resources to help you understand how you're different you make some weird assumptions. then when the assumptions are challenged you're like, wtf, this shit is wild.

regarding your marriage: that rules! i definitely relate, i pretty much only started enjoying anything sexual at all ever when i realized i didn't have to enjoy it in a normative way. so many people and relationships would be so much happier and healthier if we ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT THIS

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for Banishing My Son for Asking Too Many Questions?

I (He/She NB) am the parent of many, many children. As such, we've become one of the most powerful factions within the city. This is good since the harsh wilderness outside the city walls and the more violent factions within could easily bring harm to my younger children.

However, one of my older sons - we'll call him G - has rocked the boat, shall we say. Apparently, he found some charts and maps of mine. He asked me about them and I flew into a panic. I thought at the time that he had figured out my darkest secret.

I must admit this here, in order for you to get a clear picture of why I did what I did. I've told my children that I am their biological parent, the sole person to sire and birth them all. This was a lie. In reality, I kidnapped all of my children from families in the countryside, replacing them with piglets. I know this is wrong, but I've been desperate to start a family of my own for decades. And since I've never been able to find a partner, this was my last option. Regardless, I love all of my children with all my heart.

So when G started to dig a little too deep, I felt it necessary to take drastic measures. I excommunicated him from the family and sent him to live in the nearby woods. Though I know he'd be able to handle himself - he's always been resourceful - I couldn't be sure if he would be able to survive. The forest is filled with people who doggedly focus on one single task. Some could be relatively harmless, like wanting to walk in a single direction without stopping, while others can be dangerous like cannibalism or clawing the eyes out of any nearby creature. Of course, there was also the chance that he might join these people, which while that would be a sad fate would also make sure that G would never return to the sprawl.

To my surprise though, G managed to find his way back into the city after some time. I thought he returned to try and kill me, but - as I found out - he had no idea what happened and just wanted to know why he was banished. I couldn't just tell him the truth now nor could I simply welcome him back into the fold. I told G that his new family was with the forest and that he should return there.

It hurt to do all this, but I have the family I've built up to think about. With four new babies and dozens of other children of varying ages, if word got out of my secret then it will all fall apart. The only people who my children could possibly turn to would likely use and abuse them. If losing G was the cost I'd have to pay to keep my family safe, then so be it.

AITA?

[denial-permanente]

Hi, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog but also how much of help it has been for me personally. I've seen how frustrating your blog can be from all the weird comments and unsolicited pics people send you. My wife and I started on our own chastity journey just over a year ago and your blog is one of the resources that is most helpful to me. Obviously I love the images you post but the insight into your relationship is of most value. We've always had a great marriage but our sex life could have been better...it happens to most of us I'm sure. We had several discussions about this over time but I knew deep down the issue was mostly down to my masturbation habit. Again probably something most married.men are guilty of. I think it was a habit or addiction. I brought up using a chastity cage after one of our discussions/arguements and the benefits it could bring to our relationship. I also confessed about my masturbation habit and how I needed help to fix it. My wife was actually happy about my suggestion and willing to try it. We read some books and blogs and ordered a cage. Fast forwarding to today, we currently practise a 6 week lock up period. My wife finds this the most acceptable period as she notices a low interest week after a release. So there are 5 weeks when I'm particularly affectionate and attentive. She is not a dominating type like yourself and we just have a normal marriage. In the future I do crave that she decides to move to permanent chastity and no piv sex. But that would be down to her and I think it best to not push for that or tell her that is my desire. Maybe that's the wrong choice though, I just think that will worry her. I've ordered a vixskin like yourselves as I think that will help her with missing piv sex and may lead to a longer lock up time. Thanks again.

First, congratulations on figuring out where some of your problems have been and good luck on your efforts to fix things. I just want to mention something about moving to "permanent" lock up. This is not just for you, I see this with a lot of the men who leave comments.

I get that the idea of being locked up forever is hot. Once I got into the idea of keeping my husband locked, we both used to tease each other along with bedroom talk about him being locked for really long term (like 5 or 10 years) or even for the rest of his life. I'd imagine my husband forever frustrated and full of desire for me. I'd imagine the power I had over him that way. It was exciting and arousing to talk about. And naturally he felt the same way.

But... that was me. And him. And I don't think that what we do is for everybody. And certainly I can imagine that a lot of women would not want to do this, or would be comfortable with the idea. A lot of men seem to get all horny and then dump all these fantasies on their wives, and you don't understand how it might freak them out a little.

It seems that your wife is enjoying what you're doing. Give it some time. Let her enjoy what she's doing. Let her take your fantasy and try to fit it into her own mind. It may not be your fantasy, but isn't it belter to have one that you can share and make a reality?

[plural-affirmations]

Heyo I don't know if this is a good place to ask, but. Our partner system has recently had alters born within their system (natalgenic) and we've been struggling to find anything about how other systems raise literal brain babies.

We've both been finding out as much as we can about childcare, but with the kids being born in-sys, there's just. Quite a few things that are different (like ya know, the whole different people controlling the body thing).

If anyone has any resources or advice of any kind, it would be greatly appreciated!!

— 🌳🐗🌸

This is a tough one, but according to the internet, here's some things I'd recommend. Under a cut for length reasons. Also, the advice about trauma is easy to skip if it doesn't apply to you. I'm not trying to assume anyone's origins, just covering all the variables haha.

Keep in mind that baby headmates can have severe trauma and trauma responses like any other system member. Trauma can happen at any age, any time. Also, what's traumatic to a baby is a much lower threshold than adults for obvious reasons. The body keeps score even if you don't remember the event.

Babies often have basic feelings such as happy, sadness, scared, etc., and they're commonly without speech. (They may or may not understand language on a conception level, but unable to express themselves through it for whatever reason).

You might need help taking care of them properly. I'd strongly suggest supervision during fronting, either internally (co-front) or externally (someone in the outerworld watching them).

I'm not one to promote forcing people to stay away from front since it's really shitty to do that in most cases, but if they genuinely have no way of guaranteeing the system's safety (due to the inherent vulnerability of an infant), it might be best.

If you CAN let them front though, try to set up the area around you in advance. Sensory items, blankets, a pillow fort, toys, somewhere to read or listen to music, maybe even some kid's TV, things like that.

Like you already mentioned, parenting books might be helpful. I'd personally go for things geared around newborns, or whatever age the headmate is.

Babies form for tons of reasons; innerworld pregnancy, being traumalocked, needing to have basic needs met more often, brain just decided "idk man why not", etc. It's in no way required to know (and certainly not worth stressing about), but if you happen to be able to figure out why they formed, you could change your approach to suit whatever helps them grow and heal.

Speaking of growth! They might not be babies forever. I unfortunately do not have a crystal ball, but some alters can age later on. The kids in your system might just be that type of brainmate y'know? So be prepared just in case.

Wow, this is entirely too long, but I've spent too much time on it so it's getting posted anyways 💀 Sorry for all the information, I hope I didn't overload you! Godspeed 🙏🏻

🖤💜💙💚💛

[eriisaam]

This may be partially a personal post, and partially a blog update, but I wanted to apologize for an earlier reblog post (which the original had been taken down, though was up hours earlier).

To preface, I struggle with reading and writing at times, and sometimes have problems processing what's being said or written, leading me to occasionally misinterpret things. By no means is this meant to excuse this, but I wanted to offer explanation of it.

This is relevant, as there was an earlier post I reblogged calling attention to an ongoing issue where crowdfundings - particularly those for Gaza evacuations, resources, and fees therein - have been noticed and hijacked by potential scammers and bots trying to take the opportunity to redirect much needed funds away from actual people in need, and what I interpreted as a word of warning of the rising problem of scammers trying to steal posts, false-claim verification, or show suspicious behavior typical to bots of other sorts we've had in the past in other contexts, had instead focused less on the issue of scammers making it more difficult to get these people in need better signal boosting to get funds, and way more crueler, sinister and dismissive of their situation that my failure in reading comprehension didn't originally pick up as it should've. And I'm sorry for that.

I want to apologize and reiterate that the intent behind what I originally thought was the point being made is that yes, many of these campaigns are legitimate. And their actually have been many a person who approached me via DMing me that actually turned out to be genuine people who are trying their best to get eyes on their campaign, and when I do find them out after trying to do my due diligence, I'm glad to be able to help for what I can, even if to the extent of signal boosting their messages and hoping it reaches the eyes of others who can offer greater help.

I don't want the take away otherwise of my ongoing frustrations with trying to figure out these people from accounts that don't quite check out to be twisted into thinking all of them were scams, and none of them could be trusted otherwise, or call into question the character and validity of whoever the scammers since learned to name-drop by default now (Ahmed being the most common name dropped, but far from the only one), which seemed to be the actual take of that earlier message after all, to my disappointment and frustrations. More, I thought the point was more 'Please continue helping people in need, but be careful too to try to verify them if you can. Not every message is necessarily trustworthy and there's still scams to watch out for.", when the point it seems they were actually trying to make is to dismiss all of them period.

While I am not perfect at it, I have equal amounts of doubt and fear I'm not doing my best in vetting correctly as I hoped, and it's never a good feeling in regards to fundraisers in need - Gaza-related or even in general - to end up not following through with requests with dire risks on the line if I end up doing the checks wrong, I do try to do my best to check what I end up getting with the resources I have on-hand provided by what I could find, and at the very least I avoided reporting anyone (for better or worse) in this regard in the chance I end up wrong to avoid making this even harder on them.

I at least wanted to make it clear and upfront that I will continue to share what resources and links I can that I or mutuals end up finding, will continue to try my best to vet through what DMs come my way (although I do warn I may not be the best person for the job), and I apologize earlier for reblogging a post that was actually the complete anti-point of my earlier points I wanted to carry across than I originally thought.

I urge you all to do what you can and comfortable with. Keep sharing what you can, keep donating what you can, and keep passing along resources like the masterlists or helpful links otherwise. As a reminder, I try to tag these posts under the Important tag, which you can use the tag to either easier find these campaigns, or important call-to-action or health-related news otherwise in general. Please use this tag as you see fit, and in the future from now on, I may post a brand new tag in addition to the Important tag to better sort between Important posts which bring up vital news of other sort and Important notes in regards to crowdfunding posts.

Maybe I'm not being as coherent as I wish, and maybe I'm overfretting, but I do feel better to hopefully make my stance clearer, and I apologize about earlier potentially suggesting otherwise, all because I didn't read things properly.

[ghost-of-a-system]

as someone who is autistic and currently questioning my own systemhood, i relate so much to what youve said in your comics and posts. i still dont know for sure if i actually am a system or just a dissociative person with a loose identity and a mental illness (lol), but especially since i find it so hard to relate to most of the "popular" experiences, seeing someone talk about stuff that i've (we've?) gone through is just. so validating. thank you for sharing your experiences

i'm very glad you've been able to relate to or find validation in any of the experiences we share about! thank you for your kind words. 🤍

it's definitely hard to try to figure stuff out when a lot of the easily accessible resources often focus on these more common experiences—that's the reason it took us so many years to realize we were a system. hell, we didn't even know what OSDD-1b was until late 2021! but it seems like more different experiences are being shared now rather than they were 5-7 years ago haha.

we wish you luck with your questioning, whatever the outcome is!

[faithfromanewperspective]

It seems like no coincidence that you sent me an ask right after I had a brooding session that led to me wanting to send you an ask. Here we are 🤭

Mine's unrelated to music and chronic illness though: I wanted to get your view on what being Australian is to you. Who are we? What are we? I've been having this identity crisis all my life because my ancestors are immigrants from everywhere, with different cultures, and I feel like I don't belong here despite how the land has also shaped me into who I am.

Sometimes I think at the core of the culture of Australia is loneliness/isolation and I also wanted to know your take on that too.

Hope you're well, lovely 💛💛💛

ooh. wow. hmm. i'm... not doing great as you can probably tell by the time at which i'm posting this. but i surprisingly have a lot of thoughts about this.

for me, it's a connection to one of the oldest lands there is--i've studied a lot of geology, i've had to for my degree, and because of the lack of volcanic activity for so long our land, everything about it, is real old, and that's something i have a lot of respect and reverence for. i've also been drawn to Indigenous culture and Indigenous land stewardship for the longest time: the community, the spirituality, the sense of survival and justice, the shared resources, the storytelling, the art, the connection to the land. i'm not the least bit indigenous to anywhere really so i don't really know why, but you've made me realise something writing this, i should start to go seek that out a bit more and find community and stuff in it, it might be part of what i'm longing for.

diversity and a loss and reconstruction of identity is i also think part of it too. we are so diverse, aussies are from everywhere, from those who were born to a long line of stewards of this great land, to all those who came to it from everywhere: all parts of europe, asia, new zealand--everyone's family has a story of how they came here and why, of a brand new start for one generation, and everyone after having to go through putting together the fragments and figuring out who they are, reinventing it as they face new things compared to what any of their ancestors ever have. in a way it's about deciding again and again to rediscover your home culture/s and figure out how to fit them into a context of diversity, find your people or bring a new tradition to your people, but also take tradition lightly in terms of it has to fit around survival in harsh conditions, it always does, practical comes first which I'll get into but i'd say part of it is navigating the patchwork of cultures and realising yours is never going to be everyone but also no one can take it away from you, realising that because they try, but ultimately no one who does that will ever succeed. not even the colonisers who generations down have made us forget a lot of our Indigenous culture and feel empty as a result; if you're here on this land you've got some responsibility to care for it and every generation longs for something we don't quite have: this is where it's so useful to have other cultures around, because we need to learn from each other. we do so much better when we do. (alternatively, say you grew up in sydney without saying you grew up in sydney. it's a whole world there if you haven't experienced it).

but I would say that not only loneliness and isolation but also loss of identity are core to being Australian. questioning it and finding it again, being nothing like you ever imagined. there's a lot of generational trauma written into this land that's going to take quite a while to recover. we've all left it behind in the past, we've more often than not experienced some degree of violence in doing that be it from colonisation and the way the cities we have now (aussies are drawn to cities, the stats show us as one of the most urbanised places in the world, no matter what the stereotypes are) being Not Born Of Indigenous Input to violence of poverty and being driven to crime then shipped halfway across the world away from loved ones, to violence of displacement from other lands from poverty or war or overpopulation. we're all kind of unmoored even though many don't ever show it, we're all coming from a place of having lost that deep connection to self and either trying to find it or not bothering and I think it does really show in the way we connect to each other, the way we connect to the land, the misunderstanding and exploitation and often trying to be something we're not.

but i'd also say our strength is in our survival. we're good at coming together in natural disasters, we're often really creative when it comes to getting by, we're hard working, we know we're entitled to nothing. it comes when you've lived in conditions like ours: poor soil, harsh weather--be it drought or too much rain, we've been there, we've seen it, every year and every season is like we jump to a different climate zone, our agriculture isn't suited to our climate or our soil and our cities aren't planned but we get by anyway. we're hardworking and humble and when you put an aussie in another country and another setting you really see that. and we do it like it's nothing and still think it's nothing and don't understand compliments on it, we're self-deprecating like that. survival happens if we all do well enough to get by, independence leads to interdependence, and as a result we don't like people who take too much and we want those who are struggling to succeed. we aren't all like that, sure, but you see someone trying to get ahead and getting up themselves because of it? they won't last long as an aussie. community can and will ostracise them and no one's gonna feel bad. we hate our politicians but we have them anyway. we don't let them get too big-headed, we know they will, we have artists specifically employed to make fun of them. we're not perfect at this but they're older white men (problem) we don't feel bad about bullying them even if it'd be more productive to have a diverse group of people--but then we might actually feel bad about bullying them so that won't do. politics are for show anyway to get along with other countries. aussies don't care about anything we can't see with our own eyes and touch with our own hands, preferably holding a shovel or too-big set of tongs. 'she'll be right, mate' we say but really we just don't want to deal with it. why would we when getting by for ourselves is hard enough? don't talk about abstract concepts. but behind the survival if you break into that part of our minds that longs to be seen and cared for, you might have gotten our attention even though we will never admit that kind of vulnerability (it's why so many of us find western models of therapy etc so confusing. we're hardened folk)

there's a lot of negative but we kind of live with it i guess? we don't pretend it isn't the case. and sometimes we do something good. aussies invented permaculture, for example. i'm sure there are other things right there but i can't call them to mind right now. do you know what permaculture is? go have a look into it. it's one of my favourite things. in a more academic sense we invented water sensitive urban design and biodiversity sensitive urban design as well. and we needed to from a place of survival. it's the beauty of it, it's authentic and when it's there on the ground we can touch it so it's real and other countries can then see what we do and implement it themselves. with these things having popped up in recent years i think we're in a stage of transition as a nation, we're still a patchwork of confused cultural threads trying and failing at being european with our education and agriculture models--we haven't grown into ourselves yet. we haven't realised the potential of all the cultures we have to inspire something better. we still get a bit scared of each other. we still haven't figured out who we are--and personally, looking back at my family, generations of immigrants whose children become immigrants to somewhere else, i feel like there is a lot to discover that i have no idea how to find. how to internalise. my ancestors come from all over the world, and no one has had to pull together such a diverse range of ancestral and found cultural influences until me (i should give myself credit for that. and also not just talk about it but actually do it). and then when it comes to things like religion we're skeptical but also just long to be loved. and we'll take what gives that if we don't have to talk about it, but we won't take what limits us, and i feel like we're still figuring out how to lose tradition and hierarchy while keeping the heart of all the faith traditions we have here. another thing i should investigate. because we're still trying to be someone else i think, and it's not working. so to sum it up i think we're a whole lot of unfounded potential and messy sort-of functionality. no one does it like we do. not even us.

but this is coming from someone who is strangely really connected to everyone, like it's a bit of a weird talent and a little bit hippie (but aussies are hippies too, even though the hardened country folk would never admit it and the city folk don't have time for it and that leaves the label to tasmanians and northern rivers/byron coast folk who the rest of us associate it with). like i can connect with anyone for better or worse, and i do, i can't stop myself, but it's also tiring. who needs the autonomy and freedom of the bush and the novelty and connection and opportunity of our biggest cities. i'm well suited to my career i guess, but not so much self care! and yet. the reason i know how to survive is that it's handed down from ancestors from literally everywhere. we've all brought that and faced this harsh land in the last century, and now it's up to me to do that in a modern setting with modern problems like overpopulation and biodiversity loss.

and i'll also admit a lot of my conceptulisation comes from i am australian by the seekers. i generally sing/play the song without the third verse (or whichever one is about the war) because i find that in this moment in time it's not actually the biggest thing in aussie history that shaped us--it's more a global thing we were dragged into and we do better to leave it and instead think about ancient history, about the people who came with colonisation who weren't all bad individually though they were forced into a bad situation and became many of our ancestors, about the land as a living thing with a spirit, and about the things we create.

otherwise if you're looking for something that more captures what i think you might relate to being australian and some of the generational trauma you see around you that's so woven into our country if not your immigrant family who are trying to fit in but haven't yet specifically there's bloodline by luke hemmings. you know, because at the moment i can't shut up about him or his music.

anyway, do yourself a favour (heck, do me a favour) and get out of that country town of a suburb you live in. it's very insular, possibly one of the most insular places i've seen in this land and i've been to a lot of country towns and urban precincts. we love walkable cities but we yearn for more, more enrichment in the enclosure, and so literally, get on a train and go somewhere, anywhere, and notice things. notice how they do things there. and let me know if it feels good to do that. I will mail you a go card with money on it if that's what you need. go find yourself

[bluiex]

More Built up Heart au, this time with some silliness mixed with a dash of lore :D

~~~~

"What would happen if I moved this little line of code over here and…Well, the immediate answer is I get yet another error."

Grian sighs tiredly, scooting his chair away from his desk in frustration. He's been at this for hours now, and the only progress he has made so far is figuring out what doesn't work with Scar's code instead of what does…

Just how broken of a bot was he sent?

"Well, judging by that sigh I heard, your little fix you just tried didn't work."

He sighs again at the voice coming through his computer speakers. "I feel like I'm in over my head here, Mumbo…Everything I've tried to make this code make more sense has been denied by whatever this mysterious previous programmer has done."

Mumbo, a fellow programmer and Grian's life-long friend, moves off screen of their video call and returns shortly with a pad of paper and a pencil in hand. The sound of pencil scratching on paper grinds on his eardrums, a sound he is going to associate with failure for a long time after the call is over. 

This must be the bad luck he was waiting for to balance out the good he had in the meeting after the showcase. This is how the world is balancing the scales of good and bad, by throwing him problem after problem as he tries to work through the code spaghetti that makes up Scar's systems. 

"There any good news about everything we tried failing that you can think of, Mumbo?"

"Well…This is going to be more of a stimulating challenge for you than previously thought."

He lets out a frustrated noise, letting his head fall forward and hit his desk with a loud thunk.

"Sorry mate," Mumbo's concerned voice says. "I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but I remembered how you said you were worried about being put on a boring project when you got back and well…This is far from boring."

"Don’t you use my words back at me…" He grumbles against the desk.

"Okay, well, do you have any other ideas on how to make this work better for you?"

"I think we've already crossed off all the things I thought could fix this…"

"Then we're running low on possible fixes, Gri…" Mumbo repeatedly taps their pencil on whatever surface they have their computer on. "You sure you don't want to delete everything and start from scratch? I'm sure if you explained how nothing you tried to input worked with how the original code was set up, the rest of the team would understand."

"As tempting as that option is, I don’t really have the time to try and create an entirely new system of code from scratch here. I was lucky enough that the one investor with the most sway in this was able to look at this from a humorous perspective and give me a whole month to work on this."

Mumbo takes a turn in the sighing. "I forgot about that…But it really does seem to be the best and most obvious choice, in my eyes at least. Alright then, this might be a long shot here but…It might be your only option. Give me your bots model number."

He lifts his head up, looking at Mumbo's serious face with great confusion.

"...What? Mumbo, what does the model number have to do with-"

"I'm going to take a look in the 'Chip Graveyard' and see if I can find anything that could potentially get you on the same track as the other people you're working with. Maybe what we're doing wrong here is that we're using new techniques instead of trying to use old ones."

The 'Chip Graveyard' is a tower of drawers that is filled with all sorts of computer and android chips from any and all past projects. It's where the unwanted, unneeded, or 'project got canceled and I don’t see myself using this in the future' chips go to be forgotten about. One would think that in the world of mass efficiency, there would be some sort of process to wipe these chips clean so the company wouldn't have to waste so much money and resources on all new chips for its many projects, but…

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He asks, trying his best to follow Mumbo's thinking process. "Aren't most of those chips really old and buggy? Would one of those even work with Scar's code?"

"Possibly and possibly not, but with your small amount of time and pretty much having to build this bots personality, you don't really have much of a choice."

He sighs yet again. They are right, using an existing chip that could be at least halfway compatible with Scar's code would save him a bunch of time, but it could also ruin all of it and render Scar completely broken…Is he really willing to risk it for some amount of time saved?

Turning his head and looking at Scar's limp form sitting on the floor next to his desk, he carefully observes the bot he has been entrusted with. 

They're slumped forward, head tilted down and their hands touching the floor. If you were to take just a quick glance at them, you might think they were just someone taking a rather uncomfortable nap. If you didn't see the wire coming from the back of their neck and connecting them to his computer tower first. But even still, they look rather at peace, like they fully trust he's going to do what he said and not ruin them…

He really hopes he doesn't end up doing such a thing.

"If this ends up breaking them, you're the one who is going to pay what it costs to fix or replace them. I'm not going to be out that much money because of your idea."

Mumbo huffs. "I'm not going to intentionally break your big and expensive toy, Gri. Who do you take me for? I'm not Etho."

"They aren't my toy, they are a beta test of how the team's 'companion' program works. And even if they did belong to me, I still wouldn't let you do such a potentially dangerous thing if it meant being out what they're worth."

"Yeah yeah…"

"Alright then," He says, moving his fingers to his keyboard. "I'm going to put that code back and unplug them from my computer. I think we've been at this long enough…If I don't get you their model number before you go to bed, bug me during your morning routine before you head in tomorrow."

"You say that, but we both know I get ready much earlier than you do and you hate getting disturbed at any time in the morning."

He sticks out his tongue at them before leaning over and unplugging the cord from Scar, carefully moving the android's head onto his lap. And as their cheek presses against his thigh, his fingers are combing through their hair before he even realizes what he's doing. 

Did I just…subconsciously pet their head?

No, there's no way he just petted their head. He was just…Fixing their hair. Preemptively fixing their hair. Yeah, he's gonna go with that.

"Okay," He says quickly, wanting to move on from what he did. "If I haven't royally messed up, they should re-boot up in a few."

"If you put everything back like you said you did, then they should be pretty much the same as when you plugged them in. Unless even touching their code is enough to make them break."

"Oh gosh…Don't give the universe any ideas now."

Scar makes a noise, moving a hand up and gently grabbing at his leg before opening their eyes. They keep their head in his lap, looking up at him with a familiar blank face.

"Hello Scar," He says softly. "Welcome back. You feeling alright?"

"Hi…" They move their head away. "All of my systems are working properly as far as I can tell. Have you completed everything you wanted to do?"

"Well…We ran into a bit of a problem, but my friend Mumbo here has offered a solution that may work."

He gestures to his computer, but Scar doesn't move their head in its direction.

Instead, they carefully move themselves into a standing position, keeping themselves out of his way in his view of the computer's screen. Hmm…Now that he really thinks about it, he doesn't remember them ever disturbing him while he was typing away at his computer or looking at his company-provided tablet. Do they see him using those electronics as him doing something important? Did their last programmer put that in their code as a way to not be distracted while working?

He turns towards them in his chair. "Do you want to say hi to Mumbo? They're right here on the video call. I'm sure they would love to talk to you."

"...Is this a test of how well I follow commands that don't come from you?"

"No, Mumbo's not going to be telling you to do anything." He stands up from his chair. "You don't have to worry about anything anyone else tells you to do while you're in this apartment. You only have to do what I say unless stated otherwise."

"Okay."

"Come on then, take a seat in the chair so Mumbo can see you. There's no need to be shy now."

Scar blankly stares at him for a few seconds longer before slowly walking forward. He starts to move to the other side of the chair, trying to get out of their way, but gets pulled into something that feels both soft and hard. What the…

"Scar, what are you-"

"We can both sit in the chair if we sit like this."

Mumbo's loud laughter comes through the speakers as he processes what Scar has just done…And where his face is pressed. 

Life is just set out to make him feel weird today…

"Scar, though I can understand your thought process…" He says slowly, really trying to have them focus on his words. "Please don't pull me onto your lap without a warning. Or press my face into your chest."

"...But this prevents you from having to stand, and you were sitting in the chair first. Isn't sitting like this more fair?"

"I was perfectly fine with standing Scar…"

"Your android just wants to cuddle a bit, Gri," Mumbo jokes. "Are you really going to break his little mechanical heart by saying he can hold you like that?"

"You stay out of this! I will end this video call right now!"

"What, so you can smooch your bot freely without an audience? You'll probably do that when this call ends anyways."

"That's not funny!"

"Well, I don't want to disturb you two any longer, so I'll just end this call on my end. Remember to get me that model number before work tomorrow!"

"Mumbo, don't you dare-"

His fury grows as Mumbo's form gets replaced with a black screen, signaling the call has ended.

"...I do not understand what just happened," Scar says, voice laced with confusion.

He lets out a long frustrated noise. Is there anything else the universe wants to throw at him, or is it done with the 'make Grian's day awkward' train it has going!?

~~~~

-Built up Heart Anon, telling you all not to miss what happens to Scar with Grian trying to save himself some time. It's going to be...interesting :)

AMAZING AAAH you should put this on ao3 🥺 it's so sososo good, and even more ppl shld see it!! And I'm just laughing Scar pulling Gri into their lap in front of Mumbo lmao poor Gri all he wants to do is fix Scar but he keeps doing these things

Super hyped for what's next!!

[despondent-beauty]

Yeah, like computers, AIs have certain niche uses, but they must be checked and verified and looked over. Like a computer, you need to micromanage it. Something as simple as summing a list of numbers on a computer can lead to an overflow error, for instance. (Where a number gets so large that it turns negative in memor.) You, as a human, need to be able to know how to add so you can very quickly see that a list of 1,000 positive numbers probably shouldn't equal 5 at the end.

Interpreted most favorably, this means that you, as a human, need to understand the output of the AI on a deeper level -- much deeper -- than the AI itself. The AI can move pixels and words around, but that doesn't make it right, beneficial, or pleasing. The AI doesn't know a good composition vs. a bad composition, nor does it understand narrative structure, proper subversion of tropes, and character depth. It might have a perfunctory understanding of those things, but what about the metaphorical overflow error?

Interpreted more reasonably, AI is a fuzzy logic machine, so its overflow errors are going to be subtle and fuzzy and frequent. Unlike addition, there's no literal mathematical formula for creating good art, analyzing historical documents and their relevancy to today, writing a story, etc. This means that their errors are contextual and can't be predicted. They're not even possible to detect as errors unless you're actually looking for them.

Who's going to notice that 'exotic magician' as a prompt exclusively creates people of color unless you're already looking for that, for instance? And that's not even talking about general composition and other actual skills/talents that go into the production of art or analysis. This is just one very real example that we've all heard of recently with image generators being teehee accidentally #raaaacist :)

Honestly, I actually use AI to get an idea of what I want characters to look like or to help refine general questions because I struggle to know what I even need to ask.

I once spent 20 minutes almost arguing with a TA because they couldn't understand a question that I had about the intersection of graph transformations and U substitution in calculus. They got irritated with me because their response didn't help me/answer my question, so I just kept trying to explain what I meant more, which made them think I was being difficult. Autistic issues, I guess.

So I do actually find it really helpful in refining my queries so that I can figure out what information I actually want/need to know. It can even be difficult to search for something online without knowing the precise vocabulary that you need to use to find resources.

Having said that, AI is, by definition, not creative. It's made to be as derivative as possible. It's just naturally going to be shit if you're looking for creativity. If you're looking to refine ideas and guide them to a certain outcome, then go for it. But the algorithm -- and it is just an algorithm -- is, by definition, created to adhere to its source data (in a general sense), meaning that it cannot be 'creative.'

So don't use it to brainstorm new ideas. 'I never would have thought of that' is so weird to me when the AI, even the most advanced models, spits out the same trite drivel that apparently passes for creativity no matter what I do. I already need to have my own creative inspiration to do anything interesting with AIs, else they just fall into extremely derivative and banal shit.

I've literally never had the AI say something directly interesting.

It's always been me getting inspired by something it said. I guess you could argue that that's still helpful, though it feels disingenuous to me because people talk about using AI to generate ideas, not using AI to inspire themselves to generate ideas.

Oh, and even if they did mean the latter, there are better sources for fertile soil for ideas. Like, fuck, you're farming in arid scrublands and thinking you're productive as a result. Go read some good literature and stare at the patterns in the drywall for 20 minutes. That'll do more for your creativity than 5 days with an AI.

Anyway, I'm gonna indulge and take a moment to bemoan AI stories and writing in general.

They're so bad! Why do people think they're good? Is it because the average national AND international literacy levels hover around those of a 6th grader? Is that why? Is it? Anything and anyone capable of writing a setting, rise in action, climax, and epilogue with characters that are moderately consistent is seen as good writing? Acceptable grammar and reasonable diction is suddenly the key indicator of a genius author or something?

Will increasing the education budget and focusing more on communication and literature -- areas that we are sorely lacking due to the misguided hyperfixation on STEM -- help in this area? I don't know. I wish I did. My hypothesis is that it will, but I don't expect the US to get its dumbassery in gear anytime soon, so it's irrelevant.

Pisses me the fuuuuuuuck off.

Bye.

Okay. It's time for an AI rant.

My nephew is 13 years old. Whenever he writes a paper for school, I check it over and fix all of his mistakes for him. He said to me, "Maybe I'll proofread your paper for you in exchange," meaning one of the scholarly articles I write for work. I said, "Cool," and gave him the file. And he said, "Well, this is full of errors! See, you always say you have a lot to correct on my stuff, and look at all the stuff you got wrong!" And I said, surprised, "What? Where?" Because I'm sure there are typos in the draft I sent him, but not, like, that many.

And then he pointed to the screen and said, "Look at all the blue and red lines you have."

And I said, "Yeah, but those are wrong. Like, those are blue and red lines I'm ignoring because the computer is wrong." And then I paused and added, "You know you can't proofread a paper by just looking at the red and blue lines, right?" And he gave me the blankest look, because that clearly is EXACTLY what he thinks. And it became even clearer suddenly why, whenever I correct something on his paper, his immediate reaction is, "It didn't have a blue or red line."

There's a very good reason for that: THAT'S BECAUSE THE COMPUTER ISN'T SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT IT WAS WRONG.

I am so tired of being sold the idea that computers are better than humans and so we should just outsource everything to them, which is clearly the lesson my nephew is absorbing in U.S. middle school. COMPUTERS ARE NOT BETTER THAN HUMANS. Like, maybe they are better at humans at crawling through rubble to find people trapped inside. They are also better at preserving things in a searchable format. Things like that. Very limited circumstances.

I don't want to sound alarmist but everything I hear about people using generative AI freaks me out. It's not just that I'm freaked out by people being like, "I use it to write novels!" (Although I don't see how they do, I have tried to have it write fiction for me and the output was truly terrible.) But I recognize my bias around creative writing and so no one needs to credit my views on artificial writing. But! Other things are alarming, too! "I use it to brainstorm x, y, or z." But...why? Why not just...use your own brain...to...brain...storm? The computer doesn't even have a brain to brainstorm with! And you might be like, "But it comes up with things that my brain would never think of!" So would other people! You could also brainstorm with other people! Or even through Google to see what other people have thought before you (not AI). Please don't belittle the wonder of thinking.

I just feel like the marketing around generative AI boils down to "Wouldn't it be easier not to use your own brain to think about things?" Everyone. No. It would not be. Please just trust me on this. I'm not just an old person who is out of touch with technology or something. I promise. USE YOUR BRAINS. IT WILL BE OKAY.

[ebdanon]

hope you're alright after work <3 and tw for bugs and another long ask lmao

to be honest, we don't have access to mental health resources, that kind of stuff is expensive here, and we already spent a bunch on trying to figure out what was physically wrong with both of us first, during which time my husband (he got ibs) was not working because it was physically impossible for him, and I (thyroid issues) stopped getting paid from the freelance work I do (I'm still owed about 10k which is enough for a down payment on an apartment in the most expensive part in my country) which put us in a ridiculously tight spot. we had to move out of our apartment and start living with my in-laws, which is where more crazy has just been tacked on. it's been a very shitty couple of years in terms of what other people have been doing that directly affects us, but we're trudging on anyway. we finally started applying for jobs abroad, which we couldn't really do until we moved because it was constantly dealing with doctors and with health issues, and scrambling together money for bills and rent and overall living, and then the building got infected with cockroaches which was the cherry on top when we both finally said "we're outta here" and moved out in like 2 days (we knew the consequences of doing that). the day we decided to do that, we were up until 5am - me shrieking at each new baby cockroach I saw, and my husband killing them (I'm terrified of bugs), because a cockroach laid some eggs in a door frame in the apartment. that same week our vacuum made a loud noise and smoke just started coming out of it and it broke, the stovetop also broke, a repairman came and tried to fix it a bunch of times so we had no stove for 4-5 days (which was awful because my husband has to eat carefully cooked meals, and the only thing we could use to cook was the oven, which is ridiculously limiting on an already limited diet), and two of the ceiling lights went out. and then I got a flare up (different health issue) on top of everything which meant I was in bed for a couple of days. it was the worst week of 2023.

we've been applying for the last 6 months, and it's been nothing but rejections because we require visas to move to the countries we're applying to (it's the literal explanation we've been receiving which is a great thing as it's not our skills or something), but it's fine, one of us will find a job at some point (I hope soon) and we'll get to get out of this shithole of a country filled with shitty people. I'm definitely getting a therapist when we're out of here though, I've wanted to talk to one for years but my plan has always been to do that when I leave this country. Mental health is very much taboo here sadly, which contributes to many of the issues people tend to face. Also fun fact, the last time we applied for jobs abroad was at the end of 2019, and then the pandemic happened which meant all the embassy shut down and the applications got canceled (it was a different application system back then). The plan was to get the marriage certificate and start applying again, but the drama happened and we needed to decompress. Then the plan was to start asap after the decompression and then all the health issues happened. Have you ever seen a train wreck lmao it's just me trying to get the hell out of this country since I was 12 BUT IT WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY I JUST KNOW IT WILL (can you feel the desperation lmao)

i know that may have sounded worrisome but don't worry about me and my lore-filled asks, things will work out, they always do

i really hope you guys are able to get the hell out soon :( the job market here in america (idk where ur applying but might be the same elsewhere anyway because the pandemic fucked everything up for everyone) is absolutely atrocious rn so i wish you the best of luck!! you’re right when you say things work out i know they will for you 🫶 it just takes time unfortunately :( but hopefully soon

also as a fellow renter im crying for you with that apartment stuff jeez. it always feels like everything happens at once tbh

[ladyimaginarium]

okay so. ive been thinking about this for a hot minute & i was inspired by what chelazon leroux ( which incase yall dont know who he is, he was on canada's drag race season 3 & he's an indigenous drag queen ) said on tiktok. & like i& rarely go on tiktok these days but something he said got my attention & was basically repeating what ive been thinking for the last few months or so &. that's the topic of like. making fun of outsiders who genuinely want to try & be respectful of our communities & have their heart in the right place & now in my case im thinking of making fun of reconnecting natives on just. not getting things right. & that really bothers me. & like obviously it's important to be informed & to guide others in the right direction. there are reconnecting natives who're earlier in their journeys & there are more advanced reconnecting natives who've been reconnecting for quite a while now & in my& case it's been 5 years now, half a decade. idk about you but for me at least i always compare it to a baby learning to walk for the first time. i wouldn't criticize a child for falling when they're still learning to walk for the first time. like, obviously we're all adults & we need to be aware & listen to connected natives but like when someone's coming to understand something about their culture, do you expect them to be an expert on the first day lmao. or the first year or maybe even the first few years even? like. no? lmao. like.

ik in my case i'm STILL learning bc a lot of things about my nations in particular are lost due to genocide, colonization & forced assimilation of so many families, my own included. & like. even in my case i didn't know everything at once, it all came in small little pieces throughout my lifetime. i often had to find my own resources on the internet & actually reach out to several groups bc i'm non-status ( & i'm going to try to get enrolled but we'll see how that goes ) but it's hurtful to be criticized for not knowing something. it's weird. like. how can you expect someone to understand something when they're still figuring things out. idk. i just think it's interesting bc like. we have more & more reconnecting natives popping up & learning about their cultures & that so important bc most (in my case) canadianborn (& ik this applies to other places like america) citizens show half as much if ANY interest in our peoples, history & cultures unless we're dead (literally look at how people reacted to the r/esidential schools, the last one closed in 1996 y'all, thats literally four years before i was born) or symbols of the past let alone engages with us & some ppl's first reaction is to. criticize them for not getting things right? bc we've been fighting for awareness & recognition for so long & to have an understanding & to finally bridge gaps between our communities, indigenous or otherwise, when it seems like it's finally happening, whether it's from reconnecting natives who genuinely want to reconnect (& no, i'm not referring to reconnecting natives who solely reconnect for social media points in indigicourse & act like they know everything about native cultures when they literally Just started reconnecting & act like an indigenous activist the next day & take 0 interest in ACTUALLY learning anything about their culture, language & community let alone fighting for it, believe me, i've dealt w/ someone who did this, or taking advantage of their communities or pretendians aka ppl who literally pretend to be native for clout or money, im not talking about any of that) or just. nonnative outsiders who genuinely want to understand, our first reaction is to criticize them & not even tell them why? like. why are we as native people criticizing reconnecting natives when they're literally still learning about their own native cultures. of COURSE they're gonna fuck up. of COURSE they're gonna make mistakes. of COURSE they're not gonna be perfect. hell, I'M not perfect in this & even when i do my own research & do my best to talk to elders & do every single thing i'm asked to do & i do my very best to do things right, i'm still gonna make mistakes. im not an authority figure or anything & i dont claim to be.

no one's flawless in learning something. &. like ik others have talked about this too but i find a lot of the online native community are like. very gatekeepy & hypercritical about this shit & it looks critical & i dont understand why & i don't think it's right ESPECIALLY bc so many of us were forcibly removed from our cultures and communities. like. can you imagine how hurtful that is for people who're still learning about themselves because they're not doing [x] right or they're somehow not native enough bc they don't look traditionally native or not fighting hard enough for someone's standards. that's like. a slap in the face. & if we're gonna talk about bridging gaps between communities of course it's gonna be messy. ofc it's gonna come w/ misunderstandings. luckily i dont see this v often on the hellsite but its RAMPANT in twitter & tiktok. like. idk. sometimes i think we need to chill tf out lmao.