#and we literally can’t do anything cause I’m part time rn still so they’d never approve us 🙃

[kae-karo]

I'm sending you two of these bc I can so for the ship part of the ask, chiluc please!!!! :D

THANK U EPI i was hoping i might get some ships soon lmao and we all know how much i adore chiluc >:}

when I started shipping it if I did:

i actually saw this post (x) by @samijen (wonderful artist u should all be following them!!) that turned me onto it and then this post (x) which turned me onto childe calling diluc 'firefly' which is now up there as one of my fave hcs lmao. i rb'd the first post from them back in early feb lmaoooo

my thoughts:

love love love it's the enemies to lovers spice but i especially like the flavor of 'one of them is absolutely fascinated with the other, one of them detests the other with a burning passion (literally lmao)'. so much fun to write and work through how exactly they'd ever come to be romantically involved, and they're both individually such complex fun characters to play around with that it makes the whole thing more interesting

What makes me happy about them:

honestly i just love childe being all moon-eyed over diluc, thinking he's the prettiest thing he's seen since the first time he laid eyes on a weapon, fully love at first sight. and i love diluc's begrudging kind of love (hi i'm working on a ch(aeya)luc fic rn so this is something that's been on my mind lmao). like, wanting so badly to detest him only to find the pieces of him that are much softer, much gentler, that are earnest in a way that he can't help but appreciate, that are deeply caring even if the way he expresses it either pisses diluc off or sets him on edge. it's the progress and healing of it, i think?

What makes me sad about them:

they'll never have a canon interaction 😭 nah i mean that's fine lmao but i'd be interested to see how the creators would set that up and/or execute it lmao. but truly what makes me sad, esp right now with the story i'm working on, is that there is probably a grain of self-deprecation that lives inside childe for a very long time - that he is fatui, and diluc will never care for him the way he cares for diluc (if he's self-aware enough for that) or just the painful pining, the knowing that he's...broken, in a sense. that he's not built right, that the abyss messed him up, so maybe diluc is right to hate him, or at least not to love him. and for diluc, it's probably selfish. warring with the idea that he should hate the fatui, especially this one. a harbinger. maybe even hating to see the world in shades of gray, that childe could have bloodlust alongside doting on his siblings. it's definitely an intense process for them to get together no matter which way you slice it

things done in fanfic that annoys me:

i actually don't think i've read chiluc much? so i can't say anything on this front lmao

things I look for in fanfic:

again, haven't read much, but maybe i'll talk abt more just what i like when i'm writing then? i really do like childe being almost a little ignorant in the same way he is in canon? like oh yeah i tried to kill you but we're still besties right? that energy, but directed at diluc. and i like diluc fighting a bit with his feelings, for sure. finding childe annoying definitely lmao

beyond that, i think they're very kaeluc in the sense that they could fall into a super emotionally intense but totally teen-rated sort of fic or go full smut and i'd be happy either way

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

kaeluc and zhongchi!

My happily ever after for them:

diluc has already acquired vigilante status, just needs to drag childe into the mix. i could see a 'offloading my morals to my husband' scenario, where childe accompanies the darknight hero and is just like 'can i murder them, firefly?' 'no murder' 'just a lil scratch, maybe?' '...fine' like that would be some chef's kiss content - mostly cause i think diluc would never be happy trying to fully settle down. he'd have to be actively working to protect people to be happy. and i think childe would get restless as well, though his is more just a bloodthirsty need-to-fight kind of restlessness

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

childe is very often the caretaker in his family so i imagine his default is big spoon, and diluc rarely gets taken care of At All so i'm sure he's startled but begrudgingly agreeable to being the little spoon. that said, there are almost definitely nights where the dynamic is switched, probably bc childe had some kind of abyss-related nightmare or something to that effect

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

sparring for sure. childe keeps diluc on his toes, makes him work to hold onto his skills and improve them, which like...frankly most people can't keep up with him, so it's a refreshing thing for him. and childe is just THRILLED to get to fight, even if he promised no bloodshed. it's a win/win for them both, especially when it ends with one pinned beneath the other and out of breath and- well, you get the idea

send me genshin ships/chars to talk abt or rank!

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 6

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does.  You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there are any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

-I’d also like to say that I am SO sorry about not updating the series in 8 months. I started writing this the week school started last semester. I attempted to do it during Thanksgiving & Christmas break but I didn’t have the energy to do it. I know that we’re all struggling in quarantine and going through withdrawal because David has only 1 video in almost 2 months. I’m going to *TRY* to update this 2 times a week.

Warnings! Pregnancy, smut, nsfw, 18+

Don't read this if you don't like smut

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Word Count: 1.5k

You and David have practically been dating soon after the gender reveal and finally made it official but you don’t plan to announce it on social media anytime soon. He’s been helping you a lot. Since you’ve found out you were having twin girls, you went straight to planning on how the nursery would look like. Everytime David comes over, he brings stuff like baby toys, clothes, the whole shabang. I know that David isn’t the father but he’s very excited about the babies. You thought your first trimester was difficult and it was but there’s a big problem when in the second trimester…. You’ve become horny 24/7; before pregnancy, you had sex often and you loved it. But since being pregnant, you’ve been deprived of it! You bought a bunch of dildos and vibrators cause you just couldn’t handle it anymore. You would rub yourself, fuck yourself with the dildo or use the vibrator several times just to get through the day.

Texting Kylie:

Y/n: “why didn’t you tell me the second trimester makes you super horny”

Kylie: “GIRL STOOOP. Looking back on my pregnancy, that was the funniest part. Your hormones are just all over the place. I used toys and it helped but I also was with Travis”

Y/n: “I’ve been using them but it doesn’t feel the same as actually fucking someone.”

Kylie: “Why don’t you ask David? ;)”

Y/n: “Whaaat noo! I can’t”

Kylie: “Why not? Isn’t he your boyfriend? It’s not like he would turn you down and plus, it’s not like you can get more pregnant than you already are.”

Y/n: “I mean true but idk. I just feel weird. I’m fat and pregnant with twins. I love my girls already but why couldn’t they just be one baby”

Kylie: “blame Jeff’s super sperm”

Y/n: “I also blame myself. We were fucking all the time, anytime, anywhere”

Kylie: “Anywhere?”

Y/n: “Yeah… remember Zane’s earthquake challenge video at target? Jeff and I may have had a quickie in one of the dressing rooms…”

Kylie: “What the fuck”

Y/n: “Yeah. I know. Not my proudest moment”

Kylie: “but girl i’m serious, ASK DAVID”

Y/N: “Ugh fine. But if he says no, I’m moving away and changing my identity because this shit is embarrassing”

*On the phone with David*

Y/n: “Heyy, can I come over?”

David: “Yeah, of course. Are you okay?

Y/n: “Well… technically yes but… ummm…. I’d rather just discuss this in person”

David: “Sure”

*Y/n arrives at David’s house*

Y/n: *Gives David a quick kiss* “Hey Dave.” David: “Hey babe. You sounded a little weird on the phone.” Y/n: “I mean you’re not wrong… I just have a little tiny problem and I’m going to lose my mind if it isn’t resolved” David: “what’s the problem?” Y/n: “Ugh this is so awkward I don’t want to ask” David: *David wheeze laugh* “Dude just tell me”, Y/n: “Okay umm… i’msuperfuckinghornyandi’mwonderingifyoucanhavesexwithmeifnoticompletelyunderstand.” David: “Can you please say it slower cause I only understood like 2 words.” Y/n: “I said that I’m super fucking horny and I’m wondering if you can have sex with me if not, I completely understand…” David: “Like, how bad is it?” Y/n: “Ooo boy it’s baaad.” David: “Well, we’re technically together and I wasn’t sure if you were thinking about taking that step because you’re pregnant.” Y/n: “I’m open to ANYTHING rn. I just need to be fucked HARD.”

David: *Grabs y/n’s hand and leads her to his room* Y/n: “Is Natalie home? I don’t want her to hear us.” David: “Don’t worry. She’s at Todd’s.” Y/n: “At Todd’s?” David: “Yeah, Todd had a thing for her before Jeff did and he basically went for Natalie when Todd told him that he was going to ask her out.” Y/n: *pulls in David for a needy kiss and moans* David: “wow you really are horny.” *Pushes y/n on the bed and takes off her shirt* Y/n: *unclips her bra* “Do anything that’ll make me cum please.” David: *looks at y/n’s tits and sucks on the right nipple* “Wow. Your tits have gotten… wow.” You cry out in pleasure, letting your head fall back, your mouth open. They were so sensitive that every twirl of his tongue made your pussy even more wet. Y/n: *smirks* “You’ve noticed?” David: “okay... I may have had wet dreams about you.” Y/n: “good.” David: *gets undressed and pulls off your pants* “you have no idea how much I’ve dreamt about eating you out.” Y/n: “please. Do something.” David: *His fingers reach your clit.”  Y/n: *You gasp at the feeling of him pressing down on your clit* “mmmm oh my god. Please suck on my clit.” David: *David twirls his tongue around your clit and fingers you* “babe you’re so wet. I can’t wait to fuck you sensless.” *David sucks your clit and fingers you faster* Y/n: “please don’t stop. I NEED to cum.” David: *feels her walls pulsate and she squirts on him* Y/n: “oh my god. Please make me cum like that 10 more times tonight.” David: “are you sure you want to do this?” Y/n: “I haven’t been this sure about something in a long time.” David: *aligns himself with your center and slowly thrusted into you.*  Y/n: *moans, almost screams* “holy fuck. I know your going slow not to hurt me but Dave, I want you to fuck me until I can’t walk.” David: *he hears you out and the lust took over and started pounding into you fast and hard* Y/n: “DAVID OH MY GOD PLEASE KEEP FUCKING ME I’M SO CLOSE.” David: “Shit I’m close too babe” *pounds y/n as fast as he can and cums inside her.” Y/n: *cums right after* “oh...my…” David: *pulls out and sees his cums drip out* “Damn. I don’t think I’ve ever cummed that hard.” Y/n: “If you keep fucking me like that, it’s going to be hard for me to keep my hands off you haha.” David: “I would not have a problem w/ that at all.”

(it’s getting close to thanksgiving and Jeff decides to fly home to Staten Island early and the only people who kind of know about the situation are his siblings)

Jeff: “Hey ma.” Jeff’s mom: “Hello Jeffrey. Natalie couldn’t come?” Jeff: “yeah no. We’re kind of on a break rn.” Jeff’s mom: “Oh well that's too bad. Hopefully she’ll come for Christmas.” Karyn (Jeff’s older sister): “hey Jeff. Can you help me out w/ shopping? I have to go to Manhattan” Jeff: “Sure.”

*On the Staten Island Ferry*  

Karyn: “Okay so now that we’re alone, can you actually tell me what the fuck did you do.” Jeff: “Excuse me? The fuck you talking about?” Karyn: “I know that made up bullshit about y/n getting knocked up by a rando and Natalie asking for a break is a damn lie. Y/n was in love w/ you but you ignored all the signs and Natalie, she would only ask for a break if you were being a fucking idiot. I’m your older sister. I know when you’re lying.” Jeff: “Ugh fine… Y/n is knocked up w/ my kids and I basically said some horrible stuff that wasn’t true. As for Natalie, she was there to see me say all those horrible things and she dumped me on the spot, in front of the whole friend group…” Karyn: *stares at Jeff dumbfounded* “Excuse me did you say KIDS as in PLURAL??!” Jeff: “Yeah… She’s pregnant w/ twin girls…” Karyn: “Oh Jeffrey why the fuck did you act that way. You’re such an idiot. If mom and dad found out about this, they’d literally murder you.” Jeff: “I don’t know… I think it was because I got into something so serious less than a year after being dumped by Cierra; I panicked and I sabotaged myself. I know I’m wrong but I already fucked everything up. Everybody hates me.” Karyn: “I thought you changed Jeff when you got out of Prison.” Jeff: “What do you mean you *thought*” Karyn: “You have trouble w/ responsibility. When we were at your trial, you said you were not guilty, even when you got to prison, you still said you weren’t guilty but you were.” Jeff: “That’s different.” Karyn: “How?? You’re refusing to accept responsibility for those 2 babies. Jeff, you’re almost 30 years old. It took you 4 years after you got out to come to terms with what you did. Is it gonna take you until your 34 to realize you fucked y/n and those twin girls over? What is she gonna say when they ask for their dad huh? Sorry, daddy didn’t care about you? You either fix things with y/n ASAP or I’m gonna tell mom and dad.” Jeff: “what the fuck are you 5?! Why we gotta bring them into this?” Karyn: “so they fucking knock some sense into you Jeff and you know they are 100x worse than I am. I ain’t doin’ nothing to you rn because we’re in public. Imma give you until New Years... if you don’t tell them, then they gonna hear it from me...”

Karyn was never afraid to tell Jeff and their other brother how it is. Jeff knew that Karyn was right but he had no idea how he could possibly apologize for being a horrible human being to you. Will Jeff apologize before New Years? Will y/n forgive him?  

Comment if you want to be on the taglist!

Taglist: @elvlogsquad​ @siemprestan​ @zavidzobrik​ @galxydefender​ @iminlovewithenchilidadas​ @ilsolee​

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #455

“but you didn’t have to cut me off  /  make it like it never happened and that we were nothing”

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? We're besties! :') Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? No. Would you get a lip piercing? I already have a vertical labret. I've considered getting spiked snakebites (they might be called devil bites?) too, though. With a vertical labret, it looks sick as FUCK. It might be a bit much too close together for me, though, idk. Nose piercing? I want my right nostril re-pierced. What are you currently waiting for? Girt to message me back. I've decided what I want out of our relationship and just want to see him. Do you have feelings for anyone? Hit me pretty hard through a lot of examination of my feelings that yeah, I do. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my god no, I would be DESTROYED. Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? bro what the fuck When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? I do only out of expectation. I don't want someone to think I'm an ass or something for not saying it. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? A few years ago for my niece's birthday. She was scared of how loud it was and was very reluctant to get near it, so my fat ass got in there with everyone else to show her it was fine lol. I can't remember if she eventually got in. She loves them now, though. :') Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No, but thanks for the idea, ha ha. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. What is one food that you detest? Asparagus. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not really. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? GOD NO. Do you often find yourself questioning your future? That's my full-time job. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 124. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same I listen to now. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single rn, but usually, I go for "sweetie/sweetheart," "hunny," "love," "dear," stuff like that. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yes. What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. I was SO fuckin upset because it was on Sara's birthday and planned in secret, and I was supposed to wake her up. It still wound up being a big surprise to her when she walked into her room and I was chillin' at her desk, ha ha, but I still wish it coulda gone as originally planned. Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yes; they have a yappy-ass dog that doesn't shut up. I haven't met them. What color is your bedroom door? White. If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? This may sound very ungrateful, but I have heard A LOT of celebrities say it: it would get old, being stopped constantly in public for signatures, pictures, etc. Like yes, I still WOULD be grateful, but I'd miss just being off the radar and able to go outside carrying out chores and stuff like a normal person. Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? No. :( Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? Nah, not nowadays. Have you ever written a story? Yes, a kinda short one when I was little. Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? The breakup with Jason and the fact we're just strangers again. It was really short, but I like it a lot, honestly. Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? I think so. What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? A skeleton in my closet, lol. Literally. Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? alkdsjflakjwle yes In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? That '70s Show. 3rd Rock From the Sun is high up there, too. What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? HYPOTHETICALLY, two, but I'm pretty damn serious about having none. I just always feel kinda bad for children without a sibling, but three would make me pull my hair out. Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Yes. I overreact to even minor symptoms to ANYTHING. Are you comfortable with who you are? No. Pretty much everything about myself embarrasses me, even if it shouldn't. Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? Yes? Others' opinions don't affect how I feel about someone. Does popularity matter to you at all? No, outside of trying to be a successful photographer. Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? If they really wanted that and it would benefit them, yes. Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? I discovered them myself. Do you ever read fanfiction? Nah. Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Jesus. A plane crash, I guess, because in a lot of cases, it would be an immediate death. What are your top five favourite TV shows? Meerkat Manor, Fullmetal Alchemist (and Brotherhood; shut up, they go together), That '70s Show, Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. What is your favorite superhero movie? Logan. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Uhhhh idk... I guess maybe a heart attack? Judging by doctor appointments, my heart is just fine, but the fact still remains that I'm technically obese, so that's always a risk. Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Facebook, yes. It was just depressing me. I was playing the comparison game REAL hard. Who is the most talented person you know? I dunno. I know many people talented in a lot of areas. Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No. Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? Bowling. Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Jason and Juan pursued me at the same time. They'd known each other in the past, and Juan hated him for "winning" his ex-girlfriend. Then when Jason and I got together, Juan wasn't the happiest for sure. Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? Before I actually came out as bisexual, I don't think so? Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Conservative. Mom is more open, but still conservative. I think. What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? I'm not in school. How far away does your closest family member live? I live with Mom. If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? I actually strongly prefer Tim Burton's. Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. I just want to be in a long-term, serious, healthy relationship to reach that point and be as safe as possible about it. Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal, but I do have some conservative beliefs, too. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one, given I never got into that franchise. What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Not a goddamn thing. What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Done "the thing." Name something that you are against. I'll go with an unconventional one that's a problem as of the late: making owning reptiles illegal. Why are you against it? Because reptiles are perfectly capable of being brilliant pets and, most importantly, can tame people's fears of them. I think that it's very important to see the worth and beauty in all animals, and reptiles are one of the most unappreciated families out there. :/ Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? I played some of either the first or second one. I could never beat it. Old games are hard, man. Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I absolutely believe that it can get to an extreme that I don't like, but for the most part, I don't mind a clingy partner because hey, I am too. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Stonessss. When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? It'd been on my mind for a while, but I *officially* realized that I really do like-like Girt a couple days ago. And since then it's gotten a bit hardcore and all I wanna do is talk to him bc fuck me and how attached to people I get. What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Every single time I go to the gym, I feel proud of myself because it REALLY takes a lot out of me. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Nope. I'm willing to be a shoulder to cry on for like... anyone. If you're hurting, talk to someone. I'll be there as an easy option. What was the last thing to fascinate you? It was... INCREDIBLY disturbing and almost nauseating even for me, but I saw a video of a dead whale explode. It was GRUESOME. Guts just kept coming and coming and coming and :x Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Hmmm... I'm sure there is, but what, it's not coming to me. Sudden, loud noises are an obvious answer. Do you have a favourite microorganism? ... No, I can't say I do. Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? Girt's, actually. It's in October. If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I actually had them as a kid. Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Ye. Have you ever owned chickens? No, but that'd be cool. Fresh eggs from a properly cared for chicken taste SO much better. When did you last listen to music? Currently. NOW I'm obsessed with Melodicka Bros & Violet Orlandi's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." It's done in a gothic metal style and is amaaaazing.

[well-shit-im-a-morosexual-now]

There's a new lesson that I can't get to, so I'm going to you!

-35 Anon

Ahhhh??? I absolutely loved this lesson? It's a mostly mammon focused lesson (thanks to all the other brothers nearly dying) with angel backstory/hierarchy added in!????? I'm bouncing off the walls

LESSON 43 SPOILERS

It starts the next day after Solomon nearly kills MC with Mammon waking up looking for breakfast while complaining about the sun (fair enough) he gets annoyed when no one else is up, breakfast is not made and MC is the only one he finds. MC (with what I can only presume is a ridiculous eyebrow wiggle) says 'guess it's just you and me huh?....all alone....' Mammon blushes and says 'that literally cannot be the first thing I hear from you in the morning you're gonna give me a boner' (he actually says something like 'yeah...but don't say sweet, romantic stuff to me first thing in the morning cause you're gonna get me excited')

Mammon complains about the others sleeping in late and says he's gonna not so gently wake them up (this shit validates my HC that Mammon's an early bird and I dunno it just makes me happy) Mammon, with MC trailing behind him, goes to find his brothers. Lucifer is still asleep in his room, Mammon says this is probably a sign pointing to the beginning of the end, Lucifer says 'actually I'm dying cause the scent and flavour of Solomon's food bubbled up in the middle of the night so I'm going the fuck to sleep good night'. Satan wonders what exactly Solomon's food is cause it was able to not have an effect for hours and then suddenly come up again to kill them - he then passes out. Belphie is by Beel's bedside screaming at him to not go into the light, Mammon wonders if maybe Beel's just dying of hunger and Beel says there's no way in hell he's gonna eat anything and Mammon calls Beel out on being an imposter, Beel collapses on the bed and Belpie laments the fact that Beel's dying and that there's nothing he can do. Mammon says 'ugh bro you look like ya gonna die too' and Belphie says 'yeah well i feel like I'm gonna die ever since i ate some custard as a midnight snack and actually maybe it wasn't custard...maybe it was some weird as dessert solomon made cool cool cool i'm gonna pass out too'. Beel says 'Me too' and mammon wonders about the power behind Solomon's cooking. Levi I'm assuming is dead cause no matter how much Mammon pounded on his door and asked him to say something there was no reply so RIP. Asmo blames Mammon for getting sick, cause the bottled water Mammon brought for Asmo when he asked for it the previous night was probably some weird concoction Solomon made. Apparently Asmo's been hearing things ever since he drank it. He also despairs not being able to go the cafe with MC before collapsing on his bed. Mammon considers the fact that Solomon's food should probably be classified as a lethal weapon. Later in the corridor Mammon says that it seems like MC and Mammon are the only ones who came outta this unharmed but like MC nearly died the previous night so what the fuck is your stomach made out of Mammon!? When MC asks this he says he has no fucking clue either but it looks like their entire fridge is now a nuclear waste dump and that they should probably go get some food and medicine (you know these idiots are never gonna return and the others are gonna die).

They go to the Angel's Halo but it's still closed and they decide to come back later, MC ever the opportunist says 'hey ik your brothers are like dying rn and that sucks but ugh wanna make this a date?' And Mammon who has to live with 6 others who are in love with the same person as him and are constant cockblocks says 'shit yeah them being on death's door will probably be the only time we can spend time together without the others breathing down our necks, guess we gotta actually thank -the devs and their massive soft spot for Mammon- Solomon'. Mammon tells MC stories about the other times the brothers were sick, smiling about how they always take things to the extreme (levi had a slight fever and freaked out and turned Henry into Lotan, Asmo had a cold and all his fans came to the house to take care of him and it turned into a party). He says since they are in the human world now they wouldn't have to worry about anything too crazy...then he ruins it by basically saying 'probably'. They go to buy medicine with Lucifer's credit card. MC can ask him how he got it and he'll say it's fine cause they'll just buy food and medicine and only a few things for himself. Or MC can say 'yeah but would medicine actually help?' and Mammon will say 'good point considering it's Solomon's food but we might as well throw some pepto bismol at it and hope for the best.' While heading to the market, Mammon starts blushing about how MC and him heading to the market to buy groceries for dinner sorta feels like something newlyweds would do and hwuidhqowsho8ef7ydjb I'M SCREECHING!? Look me in the eye and tell me this man doesn't have a whole ass colour coded wedding planner aihdhwgdxugz he probably started making it a week after meeting MC. So they head to the market and I shit you not I screamed cause the butcher WHO FUCKING GAVE ADVICE TO MC & BEEL ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP calls out to MC. LOOK I joked about this happening last time but I didn't actually think it would???? and not this fast either! I thought i was gonna have to write a fic about this poor Butcher but solmare's really just giving it to me for free huh? When the butcher greets MC Mammon asks if he knows them and the butcher says that they stopped by the previous day (and look this part is kinda silly and self indulgent but some random as butcher just casually using they/them pronouns made me so happy???). The butcher then asks what the occasion is and if MC is inviting their friend to a party.  Mammon, sweet beautiful Mammon goes word for word "Friend? Me? Nah, nah, I ain't just a friend.   The two of us LIVE together." Bro at this point I'm in actual tears just imagining this whole scenario. the butcher stutters out an "Ah, I...I see..." MC has a horrid flashback to the previous day of the butcher happily giving them relationship advice for Beel. The Butcher and MC just silently stare at each other for a sec before MC goes "um so yeah ik that happened yesterday but see this one is the one I'm actually serious about." Mammon goes "hey!? wtf who's the OTHER one!?" Then to the poor butcher says "listen up, Me & MC are a THING, got it? so yeah MC's gonna show up with not one, not two but with six other hot guys at some point who are all gonna act like they're a couple BUT it doesn't mean anything  got it!? Specially if 'it's a real evil, sinister-lookin' dude with a huge ego and a heart as black as night' that guy especially doesn't mean shit to MC". The butcher says "o-okay". Anyway I desperately need this to be a running gag. Mammon later in really happy that the butcher thought they were a couple and living together and then Mammon who I'm 100% certain at this point has his and MC's entire lives together planned out starts blushing and sighing and saying how he really wishes it was just the two of them living together, sleeping in the same room (bruh I think it's implied enough to assume you already do this half the time), spending the whole day together and staying by each other's sides and how just the thought of all that is nice enough that he can't fight a smile. MC's stomach, much to mammon's dismay, ruins his daydreams by reminding everyone that they haven't had breakfast yet. They decide rather than waiting for the cafe to open to go get something to eat.

They decide to stop at a deli with a line of customers and I think I said this in my answer to your previous ask but I kinda just assumed Mammon would be the most comfortable in the human world and how it was kinda shown when they went to get pizza and later Asmo's dessert that he was able to act the most normal and actually noted when the others were acting weird and tried to reign them in. And that it was probably cause of how much he went to the human world for the witches and MC actually brings it up! They can either say that he seems pretty at home in the human world and he says something like 'oh? I'm just acting like I normally would' or they can ask him if he eats at delis a lot and he says that whenever he gets hungry while he's in the human world for the witches he'll stop at a deli cause it's easy. He kinda gets a sad look while talking about the witches and for once MC gets to turn the tables and be the jealous one. They can ask him if he has pacts with anyone besides them and he says 'no obviously not, do you think I went around making pacts with random people' ....except MC was a random person when he made a pact with them and I've always thought Mammon started getting a crush after making a pact but do you think he was kinda subconsciously curious even prior to it despite how much he tried to get rid of them? MC can also say "witches, huh...?" And mammon goes 'jyggfsdyugadsyu wait are you actually jealous!?" he then leughs, calls MC a dummy and asks how they could be jealous of the witches. AND!! this part made me so happy cause they only mentioned it once before in the main storyline but it was important enough that they had a whole backstory UR card for it and I was wondering if they'd bring it up now since they were in the human world - mammon gets all sad and says there's a reason he can't refuse the witches. he kinda hesitates around telling them that he borrowed some money, and they took over some of his debts and "...And some other stuff, too" (Me, banging my fists on the table: SHOW ME HIS CHILD SOLMARE! PLS! LET MC HAVE A DAUGHTER! or at least give me a name) MC asks if Lucifer knows about this, Mammon says he probably does cause lucifer's his big brother and you can't keep any secrets from your big brother. then he sighs and says he wishes he could live in the human world forever cause he wouldn't have to listen to lucifer's lectures anymore. He seems to realise what exactly he implied cause he goes silent and starts blushing and starts stuttering through saying that what he actually means is that if MC really wants him to stay with them then he might be willing to. They're interrupted by customers talking about a rumour that drinking coffee from the new cafe would make the person you have a crush on fall madly in love with you so obviously Mammon says fuck the deli and drags MC away to the cafe. MC sighs about Mammon being really easy to read. Mammon seems to finally remember that he's supposed to be a tsundere and says him suddenly wanting coffee has nothing to do with the rumour so don't you dare think that and it's not like he's gonna chug their coffee just so MC would fall madly in love with him. MC quite literally goes 'no you' and says well sure you won't chug the coffee but i will and then you'll fall madly in love with me. Mammon, blushing and stuttering, says 'okay but you gotta warn me before saying stuff like that cause it could literally kill me also wtf 'I'm sorta ALREADY madly in love with you...' if you make me fall any harder we're both screwed." He then walks into Luke.

Luke looks adorable!??????????? Before realising who it is Mammon snaps at him to watch where he's going and then goes speechless. Luke says he saw a couple arguing and came to check it out cause they looked like trouble (can't believe Simeon sent a child to scope out a suspicious couple screaming in the middle of the sidewalk about who loves the other the most). Mammon takes offense at the arguing comment and Luke brushes him off to instead talk to Mc about not seeing them in a long time. Mammon snaps at being brushed off and Luke just completely ignores him to hug MC and keep talking about how it's really MC. Mammon does he whole 'no hugging, no getting close, no staring I don't want your germs on MC' routine. MC ignores him and tells Luke that they really missed him, Luke says he missed them too and that actually he missed MC 100X whatever amount they missed him and that he planned on getting in touch with them but the grand opening had them busy. Inside the cafe they meet Simeon who is happily surprised that MC and Mammon are their first customers but that they aren't supposed to open yet. MC asks them what the cafe is about and they say it's a cover for them while they are in the human world and when MC then asks them why they're here Simeon says that Michael appointed him to coordinate relations between the human world and celestial realm. MC and Mammon's stomachs start growling loud enough to resemble Beel's and Simeon offers them breakfast when they remember they haven't eaten. MC catches them up on what's happened and Luke and Simeon laugh about MC now officially being the brothers' babysitter. Mammon says that the angels are really starting to get on his nerves and what they really came for was the coffee that everyone's talking about.

Simeon says that it's just a stupid rumour. MC says but wouldn't it be good for business. Simeon says yeah but since the cafe is just a cover they don't really care about making money and that as angels marketing under a false advertisement is something he can't condone. mammon asks how a rumour like that started and Simeon says that a girl had accidentally walked into the cafe thinking it was some other place and he had given her a free cup of coffee just to see if their new brew tasted good. the girl had later had unexpected, dramatic good luck in her romantic life and had spread the rumour. MC asks if this means Simeon has cupid like powers. Simeon says that he doesn't have that kind of powers, though some angels do. Luke says that angels possess powers from the moment they are born but like humans who are good at some things and bad at others, certain angels can only do certain things with their powers and that angels are assigned a rank based on how skilled they are at what they can do. Simeon's an archangel. Archangels serve as warriors in the celestial realm. And this is really interesting cause it means that Simeon actually fought against the brothers during the war and was not just a passive bystander. It also means Mammon was probably an archangel cause of his 'warrior' card and probably the only archangel from his brothers considering they don't have similar cards. Mammon teases Luke about just being a lower level grunt and Luke says that's still just in training and in the process of determining what he's good at meaning he's not been assigned a rank yet. Simeon says that since Michael expects great things from Luke that'll be really successful. Mammon teases Luke about how if he works hard and aims for the stars he might one day be on the top - a seraph (If this is the highest rank does this mean that's what Michael and Lucifer were?). Luke says that he's actually hoping to be a principality, which mammon laughs about. Simeon finally serves breakfast and talks about wanting to find a way to squash the rumour. MC offers to help and Mammon (rightfully) calls them out on sticking their nose where it doesn't belong again and says he's not gonna help unless they offer to pay him in gold. MC uses puppy dog eyes. It's super effective. Man actually starts blushing and panting and gasping before he gives up and agrees to help. pls sir there's a child here. Simeon calls out Mammon for being a hopeless simp (he actually just says "You really do adore Mc, don't you Mammon?") Luke says MC and Mammon are fucking disgusting and if he watches another second of this BS he's gonna hurl.

while brainstorming about how exactly they are gonna spread a rumour about the first rumour not being true Mammon says that if people saw a couple drink the coffee and instantly break up it might work but hahah it's not like you have one of those. Simeon thinks it's a brilliant idea. MC agrees and Mammon who has probably never been complimented for his plans combusts before pulling it together and puts on his confident narcissistic persona. Luke and Simeon eye up MC and Mammon as their potential couple. Mammon refuses cause he doesn't want to fight with MC even if it's just an act. Simeon offers for their breakfast to be on the house if Mammon agrees and Mammon says he already assumed it was (I mean so did I...). MC says they would really like Mammon to be their partner for this and obviously he instantly blushes and caves in. Luke calls MC out on being a manipulative little shit. Simeon asks MC and Mammon to practice a breakup before the customers come. MC can either start with 'there's something I want to tell you...' - Mammon asks if that's the way they are gonna start and then gets sad and asks them to reconfirm if this is actually an act. or they can start with 'ugh! I can't take it anymore!', and mammon gets shocked and then sad cause he says that since there are so many things wrong with him he can't decide what they are upset about and HOLY SHIT can we get this man some therapy!????? MC gets to pick one outta three problems. 1. He needs to return what he borrowed from them - he says he will eventually. 2. he needs to stand up to lucifer for once - he says he would if he could but each time he tries lucifer just gets worse. 3. he needs to just come out and admit he loves them - he blushes and says not in front of the angels and that he'll do it when they are alone. He then growls and says he has complaints too and that there's a lot he wants to say. he then starts dishing out actual grievances while Simeon and luke awkwardly watch. Luke says something along the lines of 'uhh i don't think he's acting anymore'. Mammon while blushing and sad says that MC is always flirting with others, and asks why they stay up gaming with levi all night, or why they let Asmo touch them all the time,  and why they let Belphie sleep on their lap without offering Mammon to do so, And how he absolutely hates the way they lock eyes with Lucifer and just smile and how he doesn't even want them to breathe in front of Lucifer and can we pls talk about the complex Mammon has regarding Lucifer? Lucifer really just took all his trauma and daddy issues and passed it on to his kids huh? Mammon again while blushing says he wants nothing to do with someone like MC and that it's over he then tries to growl at them but he fails cause "Dammit! Like I could ever really say that to you! I love you, MC! And I'll NEVER break up with you, okay?! NEVER!" and god this man is so soft my insides are melting i can't deal with this shit. Simeon sighs about Mammon being useless ((((Probably while Mammon and MC cling on to each other and cry about having to fake break up with each other i dunno they're both pretty useless))))

Since the whole fake breakup thing failed the cafe is packed and Simeon has MC and Mammon working for him during the rush. Satan and Beel end up walking in, when MC asks them how they are doing they both say they are better. Satan had found a curse that ended up transferring all his illness to someone he hates (RIP Lucifer i guess) and Beel's stomach is strong enough that he got over it quicker than the rest. Despite insisting they're only here as paying customers Simeon puts them to work with a sweet smile and a dark purple aurora reminiscent of Lucifer's and a flash of lightening (I love how they keep revealing that Simeon is secretly terrifying) with the reasoning that the cafe is flooded cause Mammon couldn't fake breakup with MC and as Mammon's brothers it's their duty to help out. Beel cries about having to work without being given to eat but is too terrified to actually protest. Mammon suggests MC and him sneaking away now that Satan and Beel are there, MC gives their best impression of Lucifer yelling Mammon (which considering it's previously fooled both Beel and Mammon is probably really good) and he gets back to work

back in their sitting room at home the four of them are beat, though Beel is happy considering he ate all the BLT sandwiches Simeon gave them as payment. Satan says it's a surprise to see the angels here and Mammon tells them about how Michael wants them to coordinate relations between the human world and celestial realm, Satan says that's sus cause that's usually a job for dominions not archangels and that it probably means that Michael is planning something. Mammon says "so you mean he's plotting something again?" . MC can ask about Michael from 1. Mammon - He says he's a demon masquerading as an angel. And that the punishments he gave Mammon gave him shiver, though Satan says that Mammon earned those punishments. Still doesn't excuse the fact that an angel was able to deliver punishments that can still make a demon who had to survive with Lucifer's punishments shiver... 2. Satan - Satan says that back then he was still just a part of Lucifer and could only see the world through Lucifer's eyes. He says that Michael was everything that humans imagine an angel to be and more and that he had a certain presence about him. Beel says the same could be said about Lucifer. 3. Beel -  he said he smelled tasty.......like sweets. Mammon says that he was always eating sweet stuff. Mammon says that Michael was A LOT like Lucifer. Satan says that while they were the polar opposite in terms of appearance it felt like they were twins. Mammon says that Michael was crazy about Lucifer (I mean he still has a weird shrine for him so yeah...) and that he really cared about lucifer. Satan says that it's cause Lucifer embodied everything Michael wasn't but wished to be and that he projected himself onto lucifer. Beel says they should probably open up an umbrella. Mammon goes wtf and Beel says cause it's raining. Mammon goes 'bro wtf we're inside'. Satan goes 'actually wait no I'm getting wet'. MC notes a leak in the ceiling, above which is Asmo's bathroom. They've been in this Mansion for little over a week and it's already leaking...

That's the end of the lesson. I'll post screenshots of Luke and Simeon's outfits in a bit. Cause they've been talking about Michael's appearance and personality and cause at the end of the last season he told MC he'll meet them soon do you think we'll actually get to see him? Is it bad that the angels scare me more than the demons? Since they brought up the witches while in the human world do you think we'll get to meet them/have more backstory? hdgudysidhzsjb I loved this lesson and I have so many questions that need to be answered... Let me know what you think!

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[quinintheclouds]

Thoughts on Putting Others First: SvS Redux as they come to me

AN HOUR LONG?!?!?! Y E S THANK YOU

I am LOVING this opening art style. The way it shows all the things Thomas could say and shuts them each down, the silliness tying in perfectly to the video game setting, the way we could SO STRONGLY empathize with Thomas despite him not saying anything. Well done!

“Eff friends, Patton!” Patton and I made the exact same gasp and noise at the same time in reaction to that dsjfhljdhg

Lookit Thomas’ lil vest awww <3

ROMAN WITH THE PUNS I LOVE IT APPRECIATE HIM

rhymes

rhymes

they’re rhyming is this gonna be

A SONG!!!

(Logan off somewhere watching all of this: “You guys are doing a RAP? Without ME? .....Unacceptable”)

Seriously poor Logan being left out BOTH TIMES despite clearly having excellent points on the matter

But I’m loving this Patton/Roman dynamic being explored in this way. They have a lotta similarities but the differences are really standing OUT so far and I like it! Also it looks like Roman isn’t gonna just shut up and do whatever Patton says out of fear that he’s a bad person/bad for Thomas this time. I’m glad they’re both getting a chance to talk cause they aren’t exactly taken seriously a lot of the time.

RETURN OF THE BLINDFOLD METAPHOR followed by Roman saying “in Patton’s defense...” so they like, KNOW what Deceit meant about the blindfold? Were they playing dumb? Or do they just suddenly get it now that it’s coming from Thomas?

Ok this Feral Cat Story of Roman’s is too specific for me to dismiss and now I’m convinced either Remus brought a shitton of cats home one day and they just flooded their house/rooms, or Patton brought home a bunch of cats out of love and didn’t realize he couldn’t take care of em...either way that’s an adorable anecdote

The car jump line that Patton took literally is just making me miss Logan even more :(

I’m glad they’re giving context to the relationship between Thomas and Mary Lee & Lee! A lot of fander questions and opinions circled back to “well it depends how close they were” so it was smart of them to fill us in.

“those baby-makin’ catholics”

6:45 Patton has clearly thought through a lot of possible outcomes to talking to Lee and Mary Lee before going to the wedding... he never brought them up, even when Roman did and then Deceit did. But he’s bringing up points no one had addressed, and I think that’s a great way to put more intensity to Patton’s apology to Thomas for lying back in SvS pt 1. He hid a lot more than he let on. Man, how much guilt is this poor man feeling right now? :(

“Talking about it could have been harmful” I’m very intrigued by the parallels between Patton wanting to keep things from Thomas’ friends to protect their feelings in this episode and SvS, and Deceit disguised as Patton in CLBG trying to get Thomas to... keep things from his friend to protect their feelings...

WOAH “But was it worth it? I don’t--” “No.” Thomas cutting Roman off with that much certainty DAMN Thomas REGRETS going to the wedding HARD and also is agreeing with Roman finally??

Patton: “sometimes you can make all the good choices, and still not get the good ending.” Thomas: “I’m not even sure there was a good ending to get.” Roman: “Mmmm, I’m pretty sure there was.” There is so much to unpack here oh my gosh.

WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT??? DAMN THOMAS CAME FOR PATTON WHAT ON EARTH??? Patton: “I think we can all agree that you are a good fellow.” Thomas: Can we? ALL? Agree on that?” Patton: *sputtering noises*

Poor Patton... I mean they’re right but gosh I feel for him. He wants so badly for Thomas to be a good person and he realizes now how strict and unyielding he’s been, and wants to not do that but doesn’t know how to be more lenient without sacrificing integrity cause that’s his JOB and he doesn’t know how to do it better aaaa this is such a mood

MUSIC IS THERE ANOTHER SONG COMING?

Return of the bagel. Except this time it’s Roman guessing/wanting the bagel and Patton being like “what? no?”

ok not a song but video game style is back!!

“ugh you’re such a dad” I love it

Patton just made more puns and Roman omg “Like, you’re SUCH a dad that like it’s too much to handle sometimes”

I am loving this whole scene jdfhjadshg Patton ily and I relate

Thomas and Roman teaching Patton how to come up with imaginary scenarios skjfklsjdfh

Sondheim wrecking Leslie Odom Jr is such a hilarious visual

Ok all three of them are peak dumbass and I’m so here for it (like they’re smart and all but they’re peak dumbass)

Daaaamn Patton is letting out so much this episode. Like he’s been holding back but wowie. R: “Just like how you didn’t HAVE to give him a hotdog” P: *sucks air through his teeth* “I feel like you kinda do though?” YES PLEASE let’s discuss the concept of obligation in morality again!!! Where’s Logan when you need him? Or Deceit even? (I feel like D’s gonna show up later but I wanna hear Logan’s thoughts this time too)

Patton: You can disagree! But... it’d kinda be wrong?

LOGAN POPUP! Ok fine if he isn’t in the ep at least he pops up in a lil dialogue box on screen. Also he popped up to support Patton... neat!

“It’s just me, Logan. I’ve taken this form because I didn’t want to be too...invasive.” POOR LOGAN NO YOU’RE NOT INVADING ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE! Also Roman getting scared by the popup while Patton just waves happily like he always does upon seeing Logan aww

Okay I am getting serious DOPAMINE from Logan talking. Like, he’s spittin’ FACTS. Something about the way he talks is so interesting and soothing and makes me so excited to LEARN. Roman mockingly mouthing ‘behoove’ had me snort though XD

LOGAN AND I WERE IN UNISON HELL YEAH! Patton was all like ooh you’re sharing your lil factoids! And Logan and I at the same time corrected, “Facts,” and proceeded to state the definition of factoids (we worded it differently but yeah as usual Logan is on my wavelength)

Logan’s sprite getting so disappointed at Thomas’ interruption joke jgdkjghks he looks so DONE

OML I LOVE LOGAN’S DIALOGUE BOX TALKING TOO FAST FOR THEM TO READ THIS IS SO ACCURATE

Oof Thomas finally feeling like he GETS it and Patton being like yeah but not if you’re doing it bc you want to feel  good tho... (also that’s the same argument Deceit made in SvS pt1??? I’m confused by Patton/Deceit’s functions lately and I’m very invested)

Oh ok Thomas just brought up that very point haha

“we all agreed the right thing to do was go to the wedding” um are u sure about that

“I was wrong” PATTON CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?? I know Logan has the reputation of not being able to admit when he’s wrong (which isn’t true -- he doesn’t like to but he has done so countless times...well not literally countless but you understand my meaning), but Patton rarely is in a situation where he has to, so this is jarring in a hopefully good way. Istg if this is Deceit disguised as Patton again I’ll be so disappointed... I feel like the writers wouldn’t do that though

Patton: says smth deceit said. Roman: and you...agree? Patton: Definitely! I mean uh maybe? (WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE PATTON’S HEAD RN SO MUCH TURMOIL)

Roman: “I’m not an expert in the... moral medium” Thomas:  “Go ahead Roman, we wanna hear what you have to say.”  Patton: *halfhearted gestures and noises for roman to go ahead* jashfjdh he’s trying so hard

AWWWW they’re validating Roman so much I love it

“whomstsoever” ok I take it back roman’s not valid

I adore Logan’s popup fun facts, and him giving definitions for Roman’s vocabulary reminds me how much the two of them love writing and poetry and language aaaa

Patton trying not to be harsh is somehow 10x harsher than he normally is

oh wow that got real.

I know I’ve said this but I love logan’s insertions... but I do wish he got to say them out loud like earlier :/ Pausing to read them is less fun than hearing him talk.

oh wow that got real part 2

I want. So badly. To jump into this video and debate Patton on the nature of morality and what “the right thing is.” Roman you’re not being dumb, you’re bringing up excellent points and you’re valid again.

Oh no Patton... empathy is not morality... please please address that there are people who can’t experience empathy and choose to be moral and good

THE  TROLLEY PROBLEM HERE! WE! GO!

Logan’s popups bc he doesn’t want to “be too invasive” and making them optional to read hurts my heart :( He knows Patton, Roman, and Thomas aren’t reading any of it but he doesn’t want to be too much so he stays silent. Why?? Logan it’s okay! Why is this a thing now but not in the last 2 episodes? What happened to Logan :(

OOOOOOH Patton didn’t flip the switch :o Interesting! Daaaamn he’s arguing to let 5 people die rather than flip the switch so only one dies

LOGAN’S TEXTBOX WAS SO BIG AND FAST IT KNOCKED PATTON OVER I CANNOT BREATHE hang on I gotta read it

HE’S TALKING ABOUT DEONTOLOGY YES LOGAN THANK YOU FOR TELLING PATTON WHAT I PHYSICALLY CANNOT please tell me you’ll talk about utilitarianism and moral particularism next

Okay he used consequentialism but it’s close enough to utilitarianism that the outcome is the same. (Do you get it? Do you like my joke about how the outcome is most important? When we’re talking about-- oh you got it already? Good, moving on.)

DID ROMAN JUST FJCKING KILL LOGAN

“I’m okay, figment of your imagination, so.” Okay so CAN the Sides get hurt or can’t they?? Cause Patton clearly got bonked, roman got hit in the eye with paper and said ow, but logan got hit in the head with a throwing star and had his teeth ripped out and he was totally fine?

 Thomas is being so HONEST with himself so early in the episode, wow this is refreshing and I’m hype

AW YAY Patton called textbox Logan in to help with philosophy yay :’)

Logan: “Pity seems to be at the center of your idea of ‘putting good into the world’” first, Logan doing a voice impression of Nietzsche is GOLD, and second.... I wish they’d let him finish cause I was waiting for a “but” cause Logan siding with Nietzsche on this one feels... wrong? Like I could see Dee bringing it up or Logan using it in an argument only to continue with a contradicting philosophy but Logan equating empathy to pity... idk I thought he’d grown more than to think that :/ Actually I don’t think he ever saw it that way. It feels out of character but I’m guessing he had more to say to debunk that.

HOLY SHIT PATTON SKIPPED ALL THE REST OF LOGAN’S DIALOGUE AND YEETED HIM OFF THE SCREEN bruh he may have been right and he should’ve gotten to say it >:(

ROMAN ISTG DO NOT TRY AND MAKE THIS YOUR FAULT

I SAID DON’T

GODDAMMIT

sjfkdjgjsh okay aww Thomas good job, Patton too. Thank god they’re being nice to him

Patton is having a breakdown holy heckity about time

damn Patton is freaking HARSH

“I have a difference in opinion on this one, Patton” Thomas: *relieved sigh whisper* “ohhh thank you, Logan” YES APPRECIATE THE BOY YES YES I LOVE HIM why are they looking around like he isn’t making sense?

LOGAN YES! CALL HIM OUT! LET THOMAS VALUE HIMSELF AND PUT HIMSELF FIRST SOMETIMES! “Every point you’ve made in today’s discussion has contradicted that sentiment.” I love you but also you sound a lil like deceit... very lawyer-y and feels calculated like he’s been keeping notes for this purpose... I want deceit and logan to debate already damn it. Maybe it’s just that Logan’s inflections feel reminiscent of Deceit to show...something?

Ok can I just say that Logan gets so much rep for his strictness or high standards but he’s been SO GOOD about that lately and him teaching about the importance of leisure and self-care and freedom in your life and self-esteem and valuing yourself like you do with others... not even just this  video -- he’s been like this in the last few as well and these recent episodes remind me of early Logan (esp My Negative Emotions)  and that makes my heart so so happy.

Continuation of the above, compare this to how Logan acted in Why Bed? with regards to Roman. Roman advocated for leisure time and following dreams, while Logan had a schedule that optimized productivity and health. Now he’s taking a similar stance to Roman and asserting the importance of these things... WHY is so much of Logan’s character development OFFSCREEN?? I wanna know what made him switch on this! Maybe just cause he’s listening to roman from why bed?

Why is Logan being so abrasive? He sounds like his intent is more to disprove Patton rather than state what he actually thinks... not a fan of that but he’s not wrong

WOAH WOAH TOTAL PATTON BREAKDOWN WHAT HAPPENED WHAT THE FCK HE’S A LITERAL MONSTER IN THIS VIDEO GAME?

OH, MY GOD. If Logan didn’t step in and save them here this would have been catastrophic. I can feel my relief. I mean, he screamed, but it was a relief. WAIT IT WAS DECEIT THE WHOLE TIME??? Daaaamn good job on this one Deceit and I definitely like him more now but also WHERE IS LOGAN. Was it the whole time? That makes sense in hindsight and makes me feel better about some things he’s brought up but I feel like it really was Logan at the start, it wasn’t until he started calling out patton that his voice and inflection and stuff changed

Patton trying to attack Deceit   and hitting Thomas instead was  an EXCELLENT way to  showcase the effect SvS 1 and 2 are having

Deceit’s lil “A DUH DUH DUH DOY” looked and sounded just like Logan’s lmao don’t tell me it’s another switcheroo (I doubt it greatly lol)

REAL LOGAN REAL LOGAN REAL LOGAN

So wait what was the point that Deceit switched with Logan? Cause Logan’s saying “one more fact” so he was himself earlier right?

“Not that any of you care, but  I am unharmed.” Nooooo they care </3 “I will do you all a favor and spare you my company” okay OUCH

EFFECTIVE ALTRUISM YES aw he’s talking about him and patton working together yes thank you

Damn, Deceit is LOVING everything Logan says haha same

Logan and Deceit teaming up to teach Patton that it’s okay to care about yourself

DECEIT WHAT he’s being so supportive of Roman holy heck this is so genuine OH Roman’s arguing with it  this is a lot of stuff I didn’t expect roman to say out loud wow

THOMAS JUST SAID DECEIT THE CHARACTER ISN’T INHERENTLY UNETHICAL WOW this episode really said let’s make Deceit--

WAIT WOAH SORRY HIS NAME REVEAL!!! He’s Janice?? Is that true?

WAIT WOAH PART 2 BUT DECEIT JUST SAID IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE MUSTACHE HE WOULDN’T KNOW WHO THE EVIL TWIN IS BETWEEN ROMAN AND REMUS HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY LOOKED VULNERABLE AND THEN HURT AND THEN RIGHT BACK TO SNAKE

ROMAN’S GONE

fuck.... patton...roman....deceit....thomas....logan....I’m gonna go cry about all of them now

LESLIE ODOM JR IS HERE??????? oh there he goes

patton oh my god I love you  this ANGST are you trying to kill me?

Patton telling thomas he’s worthy of love I actually teared up

dfjdakjhfa deceit don’t push it

Wowie that was an EPISODE

[fairycosmos]

Hi C, I'm in a really dark place rn esp bc of quarantine, so I'm probably not gonna make it these next few months sadly, sorry to lay this on you, but I just wanted to say this before. I relate alot to you about many of the personal/emotional things you talk about in your asks and your blog brings me comfort when I decide to come on here. I'm shy so sometimes I reblog the stuff you reblog from the source haha. I hope you learn to feel truly happy and that you never get to my point. Love , V x

hey, this seriously breaks my heart to read 😞 i’m not stupid enough to believe that anything i say will be enough to absolve you of the weight you’re carrying. clearly you’re dealing with a lot of pain and mental exhaustion, maybe to an extent i cant even imagine. so i know words from a stranger aren’t any kind of solution. but i have to try any way because i care about what happens to you, and i want you to know that you’re not in this all on your own. maybe i could be a mediating presence. maybe all that matters is having some time to pause. to give yourself another perspective to consider so it’s not just your mind trying to convince you that it’s all so black and white. cause it’s not, i promise. you can be 100% certain, in this moment, that these next few months will be rough/ impossible to survive - and still make it through them anyway. a sense of impending doom is not always accurate, nor is any ‘helplessness’ you see in yourself. and when you have depression, most of the time those perceptions are wildly inaccurate. it’s coming from the same place as all of the other toxic thinking processes: the self hatred, the shame, the anxiety. it’s not a reliable or factually concrete basis to act on. look, everything i talk about in my asks, i believe whole heartedly to be true for you, too. i dont say these things lightly at all. especially when i bring up how mental illness distorts your reality and your ability to make an accurate judgement of your future, and even more so when i talk about all the different types of treatment that are out there and that really do work given the time and effort. even if they’re not immediately available to you right now, just simply surviving through each day will eventually get you to a point where you can begin confronting your issues and growing beyond them. just as people do with physical ailments, the same is possible for mental ones. you can cry, you can want to give up, you can be numb and hurt and not know what to do next. as long as you make it to the next moment. if you need a little help to be able to do that, then that’s fine. most people do. there are many hotlines still open, online communities offering support, mental health professionals working from home that you can contact. even if you have to force yourself to. if you’re already seeing someone, you can call them any time and let them know you’re struggling. then maybe you can set up a plan together, to enable you to manage the heavy thoughts/emotions when they flare up instead of being overwhelmed by them. if not, you could call a friend or loved one if that’s an option just so you have someone to vent to. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than hurt yourself. a lot of ppl are feeling the strain of this isolation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stay connected in other ways. it doesn’t mean we’re beyond help. it’s okay, whatever you need, it’s okay. i know it seems like bull shit, and i know it doesn’t feel worth it right now. i completely understand, i’ve absolutely been there too. but i would hate to see you permanently harm yourself, or worse, over an episode (that has been significantly worsened by quarantine) that can be worked through. you cant trust your mind right now, or the urges you’re having. i dont want to give you all the cliches about how there’s so much waiting for you, about how suicide is an extreme solution to a temporary problem. i get that they’re annoying. but part of me does believe all of those old sayings, at least a little bit. you can recognize that you’re in a dark place right now, and that it’s being exacerbated by current circumstances, and thats a really good sign. it means some part of you know there’s more beyond that, that improvement is both possible and in some ways, inevitable. whatever ‘point’ you think you’re at, you’re not. you’re not a lost cause. you didn’t survive everything so far, for nothing. so please, please don’t get lost in the notion that killing yourself is a guaranteed act, because it’s not. it’s easy to believe that when you’re spiraling, but spirals always come to an end, through self awareness or natural progression or medical attention. listen, you’re here and you’re trying and that is quite literally the entire point. you’re worth so much, and so is your life. i couldn’t be more proud of you, and i want you to stick around so that someday you’ll see it for yourself. i’m really glad i was able to bring you some comfort. it makes me want to cry that you sent this and that you’re thinking of me. so know i’m thinking of you too. that so many people care for your presence even if you dont know it. please reconsider, please try to regroup and look at your options. if you want to talk, dont hesitate at all to message me. i know you said you’re shy, but so am i! and i can relate a lot to what you’re saying. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time. the rest doesn’t exist yet. im sending you so much love, and my dms are always open. get some sleep, eat well, find something you enjoy that allows you to breathe, - a view from a window, a tv show, a memory, laying in bed. not a cure,  i know, just a small reason. and then for now, keep going. whatever that looks like for you. i believe in you so much x

[singingcookie]

👀👀 SO. THAT LATEST CHAPTER OF DOJ 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

👀👀👀👀 Yes. It certainly was a thing wasn’t it?  👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 In all seriousness this chapter was really difficult for me to bring myself to work on. And it was mostly because (compared to most of my other chapters) this one was really lacking detail. I had a few moments that stood out but figuring out how to smush them together in a cohesive way was hard. With that said, I’m gonna do something I haven’t done much til now. I’m gonna share my original outline for this chapter under the read more.

I might throw in comments between sections/thoughts. I normally post my outline at the bottom of my chapter documents and gradually get rid of bullet points as I get through them. This’ll be the first time I’ve looked at the outline since I completed, so I apologize for the length this might take on lol. That said....

DOJ CHAPTER 20 SPOILERS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Deku’s pov this chapter.

Skip ahead to them at the thing. They’re in Tarasanudo in Kanagawa. Somewhere close to the Tokyo Bay. Last train will leave a bit after 9pm.

I like to preface my outlines with a pov if there’s a change from the previous chapter. Any ones that are continuations (so with chapters 9 & 10 for Deku, and chapters 11-15 for Ochako) don’t really get labelled like this but since it was Ochako for 19 I had to. I knew right away this had to be Izuku that we were hearing from because his thoughts--his perception of Uraraka in the story thus far--have been pretty close to nonexistent. I figured it was about time (especially put into this position) for us to glean an idea of what exactly is going on under that curly hair of his.

The second bullet point is just a point of reference for me so I don’t forget anything 😅 I’ll probably carry it on through my next few chapters too. Again, just so I don’t forget as I go since the setting will be relevant until the festival ends.

We get festival shenanigans maybe just them looking around at things at first. He keeps getting wrapped up in Uraraka. Lingering on whatever she does. Her excitement at the foods, the decorations. The way she sways to the music from each and every stall. Obviously this should be at least a few paragraphs. If not a page.

HAHAHAHA, oh man. So much for that. Deku really went damn wild at the start of this chapter. The whole introduction (before Ochako says the FIRST LINE OF DIALOGUE FOR THE CHAPTER WTF) was 2 pages long on my chapter document. And I remember being shook about it. “This much Deku??? You have this much to say?” It probably would have been less if he didn’t want to retell the whole dang story with the netsuke BUT HE DID WHAT HE DOES I GUESS!!

I also added the okonomiyaki scene pretty sporadically, I didn’t have it in my oultine at all. But I needed an introductory scene into them at the festival before Bakugou and Kirishima showed up. I think it turned out pretty well? I got a lot of questions about my research on that one cause it was so specific! 😅 Truth is I just look up those kinda details as I get to them mid-writing. Makes it take longer but the learning part is really interesting and fun for me!

And then there’s also the hints of them being followed by at least  two of their classmates, working up Uraraka and stemming Deku’s fear. Also added because I needed to segue naturally between the okonomiyaki and cork gun scenes.

Uraraka points to a cork gun stall nearby and says that she wants to play. They don’t fully approach the stand though, Uraraka standing back to look over the prizes to see what she wants to play for. He wonders why she doesn’t just play and figure it out later. She says that she’ll play better if she has something in mind already “don’t question my methods” she hums for a moment and he kinda playfully regards her. Maybe a mild stirring of something.

She surges forward, reaching for one of the cork guns while she holds the yen out for the vendor. “Hey, take the next one over.” Oh god Kacchan’s grabbed the same cork gun and now him and Uraraka are glaring at each other. Kirishima apologizes for the interruption, telling Kacchan that he can just take the next one over. He greets Deku who replies while still watching as Uraraka and Kacchan glare even while he complies to their classmate’s request. Both of them slam their money on the counter. Aaaaand they’re making it a competition. Great.

Thiiiiiiis turned out more of less the same, clearly. 😂 I had a different concept in my head originally of how these games worked there. Ended up digging hard for videos and photos to find out properly. Ended up altering my image to match but it still managed to work out on that front, regardless.

I knew I wanted Kirishima and Bakugou here with them (not only because I love the ship) but it gave them a chance to unwind and relax. Kind of ease off on the tension of them being stuck alone together. Not to mention that I felt it would be really good for cementing the idea of a “something more” kind of pondering in Deku.

Kirishima and Deku talk about what they’ve been up to since getting to the festival. Maybe Deku wonders about the snack that Kirishima has. It looks delicious. Some kinda meat thing. “Where’s the stall?” Kirishima tries to explain but Deku just looks lost. “How ‘bout me and--Bakugou just show you where once they’re finished?”

“That sounds--” Deku’s cut off by a whoop and when he looks back to the stand, they’re both setting the cork guns back down. Uraraka’s reveling in her victory and Kacchan tells her she only got one more point, so she shouldn’t be so excited. She says he’d be just as excited if the scores were reversed. The vendor has to remind them they have prizes to pick.

Kirishima and Deku kind of just ^^; about it. They get whatever the prizes are. Ochako maybe picked something with the idea of giving it to Inko. Kirishima says to Bakugou that he told Deku they’d show him to the stand with the meat skewers.

This got altered a LOT WOW. I think the reason this section changed so much was because I was trying to find a way to make the chapter flow. I left a lot of details out and mostly went big picture because I knew this part of the festival would involve a lot of tiny things that would be a pain to plan out. Lots of minor minutiae that I knew I’d get annoyed if I had to change a lot.

I knew I had to keep Kirishima with MEAT because he’s Kiri (hello it’s listed as one of his fav things even!) and I knew I wanted to have him almost tripped up and saying “Katsuki” just to hammer home where exactly they’re at rn in their interactions.

I extended their interactions together because saying “hey let’s walk around” only to separate them with narry another conversation felt pointless and stilted. That’s why I added the extended convo about the game (I didn’t have it in the outline that she cheated but when I thought about the game and her quirk, it was too fitting to not include!) and also the thing about their internships and things being “too calm” again. Was really trying to hammer home one last “YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL COMFORTABLE” for all you readers lol

They might get stuck together for a bit maybe up through the fireworks. They only realize after the fireworks are through. Uraraka wonders about if maybe there’s something that Deku wants to do now, especially since Bakugou and Kirishima p much vanished.

Deku says something offhandedly. He hadn’t really been pulled toward anything in particular. Maybe they could just walk around, see if they find some of the others. Maybe some kinda casual conversation. Ochako has them stop because she sees a yo-yo fishing game and she really wants a water yo-yo.

As you can see, the fireworks scene (which apparently everyone adores?) was very much not planned LOL. Nor was Bakugou clearly and purposefully ditching them. I don’t really have much in the way of explanations other than it’s what felt right. I considered including a time skip or two during this chapter...but then I realized how silly that would be over such a short time period. So I ended up including the ditching (including Bakugou literally yelled that “Nope!” and it was like “oh okay that’s what we’re doing cool thanks for the memo?”) and then the fireworks was a clear “time is passing while he’s wistful” kind of moment. I think it went over well and segued pretty naturally into this.

Deku just watches, musing to himself over how nice this has been...how nice she looks...she said something about wanting to give the stuffed animal in his grasp to his mom. As a thank you for the yukata. He still can’t believe that Inko never said anything to him about it. But honestly...what would he have said. What would he have done? He’s seen her in it for a while now and he still hasn’t commented about it to her…yeah, okay, he did try twice. Once at school and once with Eri but since then he hasn’t bothered to try again.

Maybe it’s pointless. Maybe the fact that he did try twice was the universe saying that it was dumb and he definitely shouldn’t. That he would make her uncomfortable so don’t bother.

Or maybe it wasn’t about her. Maybe it was the universe scolding him from trying to say it around other people… Embarrassing her around her friends and their former teacher...yeah. Yeah, no. It was definitely that. He needed to say something. She deserved to hear it. He couldn’t tell her about her kimono during that New Years celebration. Shouldn’t he tell her now? Respect both her and his mother’s efforts? Yes. He should definitely say something now.

As you can see....pretty much nothing here changed LOL. I knew this was exactly right but some stuff got clarified and extended, I feel. Made it feel a lot more stream of conscious like as a result of that.

Side note Deku has a big tendency to repeat himself mentally when I write him....idk why this happens but it does lmao.

Uraraka comes back over with her water yo-yo. She says something idk what. But Deku starts to try to say something about her thing. Bringing it up very slowly and awkwardly but before he can explain properly she interrupts him. “Deku-kun, do you hear that?” He goes quiet as he listens. Then……screaming. 

Then they hear someone exclaim that it looks like the bonfire is out of control. They look and...that’s not a normal bonfire. Those are blue flames.

LOL “She says something idk what” is such a staple of my outlines I cry. 😂 That and “Idk something else needs to go here figure it out later”

Anyway though another case of extension here. I knew I was gonna have to with “bringing it up slowly and very awkwardly” that’s vague and I had to show that happening so it was bound to be. I actually struggled on whether or not to let him say it. But ultimately it felt dissatisfying to let him say it and not give Uraraka or the readers the chance to dwell on it. It needs a moment to itself. It needs to be a heavy, impactful moment--but the problem is the League reveal was heavier so it would have knocked it away just as much as him not saying it at all.

Obviously my reveal (the last bullet point) changed a lot with how I conveyed it...also Uraraka’s line. But when I was writing it I realized that Uraraka would be more horrified than my outline which, as you can see, is really calm in comparison. But I knew the only way to reveal it all was Dabi blue flames. A staple of the League... But having Deku’s last line was a better ending line.

ANYWAY, sorry that took so long but. There you have it. Deeper thoughts and perspective from the planning of the chapter. I hope this was interesting seeing the difference between my outline, but I apologize if my commentary was at all boring lol

Thanks Kat!! Always happy to talk!!! 💖💖💖💖

[firebirdsdaughter]

We really ignoring Horobi murdering Izu who not trying to kill him and the fact while he didn’t started this cycle. He sure as hell doing himself no favors by murdering Izu who Artuo closet ally and act all surprised when Artuo hate him. Not acknowledging he the cause for this malice in Artuo. Should Artuo still try to get though to him even though he murder Izu who got no back up compare to Jin who died before and can very well be bought back again?

…

Uh.

Can I just ask… Why are you on my blog? It’s not like I’ve been subtle about my love for Horobi. And you must be on my blog bc I’m pretty sure I haven’t put any of those thoughts in the main tag, and have been carefully tagging them as complaining/negativity/opinions/salt.

1) I’m not saying Horobi was ‘right,’ I’m saying he isn’t in a sane place right now and this wasn’t a ‘cold blooded murder,’ esp bc I’m pretty sure he understands that he regrets it now. He’s been trained for more than ten years to respond to things w/ extremity and violence, as evidenced by the Ark having him repeatedly take out or try to take out things/people that were making him feel in any way—what happened w/ Midori, why he was driven to attack Jin in 41. From Horobi’s extremely damaged and fucked up perspective, he just wanted to make the pain and confusion go away. He didn’t try to hunt out Izu, she approached him, and knowingly endangered herself. Which is why I’m also calling the fact that we’ve seen Izu move faster than a car, she could have dodged the shot and didn’t, so it’s ineffective as drama bc it was easily preventable. I’m calling bs on the writing.

2) Horobi’s definitely not surprised that Aruto hates him? He might be surprised that Aruto went full Ark (I am, too, that feels out of character, I would’ve expected him to just go regular berserk on his own). I’m not saying it’s wrong for Aruto to be mad. Like I just said, I would have expected him to go berserk on his own, which might have ended up leading to Jin’s death anyway. Like… Where did you get that. Actually don’t answer that. Aruto getting angry and going after Horobi would have been one thing, though the way he went Ark is weird to me. What bugs me is the way it’s being treated/reacted to as a ‘black and white’ situation when it should be more grey. Horobi is mentally unwell, and there were multiple factors at work/responsible for the situation. This isn’t just ‘Horobi is a bad person it’s all his fault.’ This is also ‘contrived drama by the writers who are hoping we forgot Izu can break land-speed records.’

2.5) I’m not expecting Aruto to reach out to him at this point. Hell, I’m not even saying ‘forgive’ him, even though I think by this point Horobi has figured out he regrets it. What should really happen is someone else intervenes and keeps them away from each other until both are more stable. Really, someone should have stepped in to control that on both ends. Aruto shouldn’t have been left alone. Neither of them should have. I do think more effort should have gone into reaching out to him before it happened. If they hadn’t been alone in there/if someone w/ a little more ‘emotional/mental experience’ had been present, things might’ve gone differently.

3) Izu still not having a back up is ridiculous, literally everyone knows Aruto is Zero-One, this feels like just terrible planning/lack lustre writing imo, and on top of that, Horobi didn’t know she had no backup. Still doesn’t make his reaction ‘okay,’ bc violence is never the answer, but he’s shown before he believes in bringing AI back through backups, so it may not even have occurred to him that she wouldn’t have one. Additionally, we don’t know Jin has a back up. We can’t say he ‘can very well be brought back again’ bc we don’t actually know that. We don’t know if ZAIA kept that data, Williamson just said they ‘repaired’ him. And that’s also it, even if it exists, ZAIA has it. Not Horobi. Also… This is KR, they could figure out some MacGyver to bring Izu back, even if it’s not clear now, though that’s more of a meta thing. Actually, what I would love to happen is Horobi helps bring her back, maybe as part of therapy.

Look, disagreeing is fine. That’s why I’ve been trying to keep my negative reactions out of the main tag. I’m not trying to get into fights, I’m just venting. I’m analysing what I see and interpret. It’s not that Horobi was ‘right’ it’s that he’s mentally and emotionally unstable rn bc of what happened to him, he should not be expected to know how to react calmly to things, esp if under pressure and in an intense situation. I also literally just wrote a post about how I don’t think it’s fair to blame Izu entirely, either. I comment about blaming the humans (esp Yua and Fuwa (whom I love dearly), but they did escalate the situation and then leave Aruto alone there, wtf did they leave him alone???) bc if they’d listened to Izu at the start we’d likely not be in this mess, or if they’d actually tried to reach out to him before, things could have gone differently.

This is my point of view. If this is upsetting to you, which it seems to be from the tone of this Ask, I recommend blocking my blog, bc these are my feelings on this, and I’m not going to change. I’d block you so that you wouldn’t have to see my posts, but then you wouldn’t be able to see this answer, which I hope explains some of my position, so I’ll leave it for now. Besides, in the end, it’s just a tv show, and it doesn’t actually matter, for all I can get very emotional about things, esp bc Horobi as a character became very important to me.

I hope at least some of that was coherent. I have a hard time articulating my thoughts (part of why I repeat myself so much), and I have been extremely exhausted for the past few days bc my sleep schedule is messed up, so it’s even worse.

I’m not apologising for having an opinion and an interpretation of a piece of media, and I never will. That’s not something I should be required to apologise for. I’m not hurting anyone, bc, again, it’s just a tv show. I’m just in my corner, rambling. I don’t mean any of it as an attack against people who disagree, everyone interpret things differently. For instance, I have things in media that I dislike so much it makes me feel physically ill to think about them, but I just filter them out and it’s fine. I’m even on friendly terms (I hope?) w/ people who like some of those things that make me feel sick, but it’s fine, bc we just don’t discuss them. I know people I disagree about things w/, less viscerally, and have actually had discussions w/ them about that stuff.

Having differing opinions is one thing, but I don’t appreciate the aggressive tone here. I’m saying this partially bc I do understand getting very fired up about something, even if it’s fictional (*looks pointedly at my own blog*), so I’m assuming you just feel very strongly on the subject, but please be aware of how your words might come across—bc the another part of the reason I’m saying this is that I know if I had been in a slightly different mood when I saw this, it might have greatly upset me to unwell levels. I hope it was not your intention to attack me on anything, and that this is just something you feel passionate about, but as someone who often struggles w/ tone and knows it… Please consider it. It can be harmful.

[interludcs]

          BENEDETTA   PORCAROLI   ,   CIS   FEMALE   ,   SHE   /   HER   →   according   to   the   school   records   ,   GIOVANNA   ELOISA   ARGENTI   has   been   attending   sacred   heart   for   the   past   two   years   .   i   last   saw   them   hanging   around   stan's   place   ;   i   think   they   were   tying   cherry   stems   into   knots   .   at   twenty   -   one   ,   gio   has   been   studying   classics   and   get   this   ,   i   heard   that   her   bloodline   has   long   been   cursed   to   succumb   to   inevitable   madness   and   it’s   been   the   cause   of   many   mysterious   deaths   in   the   family   already   —   figure   it’s   true   ?   everyone   around   here   always   associates   them   with   biting   into   an   apple   only   to   realize   it’s   rotten   ,   a   bloody   nose   dripping   onto   silk   stockings   ,   and   the   distorted   screech   of   a   violin   coming   from   another   room   .   in   the   time   since   these   strange   happenings   ,   they   have   encountered   unexplained   occurrences   .  

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     QUICK  STATS  !

full  name  :   giovanna   eloisa   argenti

nickname(s)  :   gio   ,   gigi   (   although   she   likes   to   think   she   outgrew   it  )

zodiac  :   scorpio   sun   ,   gemini   moon   (  click   !  )

sexuality  :   bisexual   .

occupation  :   student   &   heiress   .

birthplace  :   rome   ,   italy   .

current residence  :   sacred   heart   academy   . 

pinterest   :   (   click   !   )  

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     BACKSTORY  !  (   tw   :   depression   ,   murder   ,   suicide   &   drug   abuse   )

born   in   1953   to   one   of   the  wealthiest   families   in   italy   !   the   argenti's   posses   a   ridiculous  and   tbh   kinda   disgusting   fortune   because   of   their   distant   ties   to   the   old   italian   monarchy   ...   and   are   also   long   rumored   to   have   been   cursed   hundreds   of   years   ago   as   divine   punishment    for   the   sins   of   a   past    family   member   . 

the   family    has    a    long   and   gruesome   history   —   good   husbands   turning   into   killers   ,   more   than   one   argenti   woman    flinging   herself   off   one   of    the   many   balconies   in   the   family   estate   ,   children   who   hear   voices   in   the   night   .   more   often    than    people   care   to   count   ,   these   fits   of   madness   are   seemingly   inexplicable   .        

giovanna   was   born   on   chilly   autumn   night   .   she   would   be   her   mother’s   first   and   last   child   ,   but   lucianna   argenti   saw   her   baby   girl   as   anything   but   a   miracle   .   when   she   was   only   five   months   old   ,   a   nanny   discovered   the   woman   trying   to   drown   giovanna   in   the   bathtub   ,   stuck   in   a   trance   she’d   later   have   no   recollection   of   being   in   .   long   in   denial   of   the   family   curse   ,    marco   argenti   hired   nearly   every   notable   doctor   in   italy   ,   but   none   of   them   could   find   a   sound   explanation   for   the   violent   and   nonsensical   trances   his   wife   would   experience   for   the   next   three   years   before   ultimately   taking   her   own   life   .        

leaving   giovanna   to   grow   up   all   alone   in   the   too   big   family   estate   at   the   hands   of   nannies   ,   marco   argenti   would  spend   the   better   years   of   his   only   daughter’s   life   traveling   all   around   europe   ,   desperate   to   shake   the   ghost   of   his   wife   ,   but   never    succeeding   . 

despite   all   the   tragedy   early   on   in   gio’s   life   ,   she   had   an   almost   typical   upbringing   for   someone  in   her   socioeconomic   circle   .   a   childhood   devoid   of   the   love   her   parents   were   supposed   to   give   ,   nannies   who   gave   in   to   the   rotten   demands   only   a    wealthy   child   and   sole   heir   could   conjure   up   ,    a    house   that   never   felt   like   a   home   .

by   the   time   she   was   a   teenager   ,   gio   had   grown   up   to   be   a   different   kind   of   monster   —   not   the   madwomen   her   classmates   would   snicker   about   when   speaking   ill   of   the   blood   that   flowed   through   her   veins   ,    but   something   perhaps   more   dangerous   ,   a   selfish   girl   too   clever   and   too   beautiful   for   her   own   good   . 

on   the   eve   of   her   18th   birthday   her   father   makes   his   grand   return   home  ,   gone   so   long   he   mistakes   his   daughter   for   a   maid   before   a   groundskeeper   politely   informs   him   of   his   mistake   .   causing   more  tension   still   was   the   brand   new   gold   band   on   his   ring   finger   ,   as   well   as   the   announcement   that   he’s   selling   the   estate  ,   and   that   gio’s   to   come   live   with   his   new   wife   and   three   small   children   in   france   .

the   day   giovanna   argenti   turns   18   is   a   day   she   can   no   longer   remember  save  for   waking   up   in   the   remnants   of   a   burnt   down   home   ,   ash   caked   underneath   her   fingernails   ,   smoke   burning   her   lungs   .   servants   who   have   been   loyal   to   the   argenti   family   for   decades   will   later   testify   that  there   had   been   a   terrible   accident   lighting   the   birthday   cake   that   night   ,   that   marco  argenti   had   never   returned   home   the   night   before   ,    and   that   the   family   of   four   in   paris   crying   murder   were   nothing    but   scammers   after   the   family   fortune   .

gio   spends   the   next   year   scrambling   to   piece   together   the   mysterious   events   ,   a   tiny   voice   inside   her   head   insisting   something   wasn’t   right   with   the   story   she’d   been   fed   by   the   people   who  raised   her   ,   albeit   confused   as   to   why   they’d   hide   the   truth   if   something   sinister   had   indeed   happened  that   night  .  she   could   have   sworn   the   memory   of   her   father   coming   home   was   a   real   one   —   until   she   gets   a   letter   in   the   mail  ,   signed   marco   argenti   ,   polaroid  attached  ,   a   blurry   shot   of   a   man   who   bears   the   family   resemblance  standing   in   front   of   the   statue   of   liberty   .

cue   the   drug   abuse   (   coke   being   her   poison  of   choice   )   ,   the   reckless   and   dangerous   stunts   all   in   the   name   of   having   a   good   time   ,   the   mind   numbing   sex   with   strangers   .   heart   heavy   with   the   idea   that   she   was   indeed   going   insane   ,   following   in   the   footsteps   of   all   the   argenti’s   that   had   come   before   her   ,   giovanna   was   left   with   the   haunting   sensation   that   her   life   was   already   doomed   ,   and   so   she   might   as   well   make   the   most   of   it   .  on   the   flip   side   of   this   she   also   came   to   the   realization   that   she   could   pretty   much   ....   do   whatever   she   wanted   and   get   away   with   it   ?   people   already   thought   she   was   cursed   and   crazy   ...   might   as    well   act   the   part   ...   a    little    self   fulfilling   prophecy  ...   as   a   treat   <3      

in   a   feeble   attempt   to   save   her   from  an   untimely   and   rather   stupid   demise   ,   she   is   shipped   off   to   sacred   heart   academy   ,   a   place   a   distant   cousin   once   attended   .   mind   clouded   by   addiction   and   unresolved   trauma   alike   ,   giovanna   can’t   be   sure   the   strange   happenings   at   sacred   heart   are   real   at   all   or   just   a   product   of   a   dark   and   overactive   imagination   .   

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     PERSONALITY  +  TIDBITS  !

first   &   foremost   ...   gio   was   inspired   loosely   by   some   sexy   women   including   miss   effy   stonem   from   skins   ,   choi   sooji   from   tempted   ,   ludo   from   baby   ,   villanelle   from   killing   eve   &   lady   macbeth   minus   the   murder   (   ...   unless   ?   😏   )   ,   as   well   as   more   lana   del   rey   songs   than   i   care   to   admit   so   we   won’t   be   talking   about   it   aha   x

yes   what   i’m   trying   to   say   is   she’s   a   little   unhinged   ...   but   in   that   fun   sexy   way   like   when   amy   dunne   gives   the   cool   girl   speech   in   gone   girl   .

speaking   of    cool   girls   ...   gio   is   one   😌   you   would   think   growing   up   with   a   last   name   that’s   literally   famous   for   being   cursed    would   have   put   a   bigger    damper   on   her    popularity   among   people   but   there’s   a   certain   fascination   gio   holds   and   she   knows   it   .   this   isn’t   to   say   she’s   got   a   lot   of   friends   because   she   definitely   doesn’t   ,   she   just   knows   how   to   get   people’s   attention   .

at   her    core   she   is   clever   ,    charming   ,    everything   someone   who   grew   up   with   money   is   bound   to   be   .   but   unlike   the   selfishness   of    other   trust   fund   babies   ,   gio’s    operates   on   a   different   scale   .   she’s   self   obsessed   ,    not   because   she   views   herself   as   better   than   anyone   else   ,   but  because   she’s    so   haunted    by   the   idea   that   something   terrible   and   wicked   exists   inside   of   her   and   it’s   only   a   matter   of   time   before   darkness   takes   over   .

in   an   effort   to   counter   that   weight   ,    she   breezes   through   life   without   taking   much   seriously   .    toying   with   people   ,   the   mind   games   she   plays   ,    it’s   all   an   effort   to   distract   herself   ,   to   entertain   her   brain   with   thoughts   that   somehow   seem   lighter   in   comparison   to   her   own   inevitable   self   destruction   although   the   people   she   plays   with   might   say   otherwise   . 

consequences   should   scare   her   more   than   they   do   ,   but   honestly   she’s   got   a   penchant   for   doing   the   things   deemed   bad   for   her   .   on   one   hand   she   figures   little   matters   if   she’s   truly   cursed   ,    on   the   other   hand   she   figures   if    she   is   cursed   than   whatever   consequence   comes   her   way   is   deserved   .

flirty   ,    but   most   of   the   time   it   never   means   anything   .   she   is   prone   to   intense   infatuations   ,   however   ,   all   of   which   have   ended   tragically   so   far   so   proceed   with   caution   .

she’s   definitely   someone   most   people   would   know   of   ,    as    she’s   got   an   almost   bad   habit   of   striking   up   conversations   with   whoever   ,   but   ask   someone   to   name   her   favorite   color   or   any   profound   fact   about   her   and   they   probably   wouldn’t   be   able   to   .

very  nosy   due   to   her   childhood   of   people   watching  and   intensely   studying   the   adults   who   raised   her   ,   and   so   the   habit   has   carried   on   into   her   adult   life   .   she   won’t   outwardly   pry   ,   but   if   you   catch   her   interest   she’ll   unabashedly   observe   you   like   she’s   an   actor   trying   to   better   understand   their   part   .

tons   of   fun   at   parties   ,   but   also   in   class   ,   considering   she’s   snorting   enough   coke   on   the   daily   to   treat   school   like   it’s   one   big   social   gathering   .   life’s   a   beach   baby   <3

studying   classics   because   she   likes   how   intense   the   stories   and   history   are  ,   but   she’s   surprised   herself   by   being   rather   good   at   the   language   aspect   of   the   major   .

deep   deep   down   ...  there   is   the   desire   to  be   understood   and   loved   despite   whatever   uninhibited   thing   she’s   convinced   lurks   around   inside   her  but   that   is   constantly   in   conflict   with   the   idea   that   she’s   fundamentally   undeserving   of   real   affection   ...   just  girly   things  you   know    🥺

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     WANTED  CONNECTIONS  !  (  all  open  to  all  genders  )

 my   brain   is   quite   literally   all   rot   rn   im   just   gonna   list   stuff   with  minimal   elaboration  please   vibe   with   me   ...

people   she   gets   high   with  <3   

ex   infatuations   that   ended   tragically   lets   get   that   angst

spare   parental   figures   ...   any   professors   out   there   want   a   demon   child   who   will   idolize   u   but   not   know   how   to   deal   with   that   so   they   just   act   up   all   the   while   hoping   for   forgiveness   and   the   attention   they   never   got   from   their   own   parents   </3      

speaking   of   professors   i   will   play   into   the   problematic  trope   of   a   student   being   obsessed   with   a   professor   -___-   solely   because  i   would   lov   to   have   gio   go   full   throttle   crazy   ...   as   a   treat   ...   this   has   nothing   to   do   with   that   one   line   in   lorde’s   writer   in   the   dark   u   know   the   one   truly   this   does   not   have   to   be   reciprocated   at   ALL            

a   confidant   /    someone   she   probably   considers   her   closest  friend   who   she   is   constantly  disgusted   with   herself   for   opening   up   to   but   also   truly   not   able   to   live   without   so   it’s   a   fun  cycle   of   push   and   pull   but  truly  she’d   probably  die  for   them  just   don’t  ask   her   that   she’ll   say   no   

i   think   it   would   be   fun   to    have   someone   who   knows   about   the   supposed   argenti   curse   maybe   their  family   had   some   associations   to   gio’s   or   maybe   they   spent   some  time  in  italy   at   some   point   growing   up   and   met   her   there   idk   im   cute   not   smart   ...

we’ve  all   been   begging  and  begging   i   will   jump   on   the   bandwagon   and   ask   for   a   sexy   rival   doesnt   mean   anything   if   u   say   i   hate  u   after   hooking  up     

someone   she   keeps   bumping   into  when   she’s   sneaking   out   past   curfew   or   cutting   class   and   at   first   it   was   like   dude   seriously   do   we   have   to   start   alternating   but   now   it   turned  into   like   wow   i   really   hope   we   bump   into   each   other   again   would   u   like   a  cigarette   wanna   listen   to   some   music   together   

 someone   she   sees   a   lot   at   stan’s   place   .   perhaps   on   campus   they   have   a   very   different  relationship   but   off   campus   they  feel   free   to  have   another

current   hookups   we   love   to   see   it   there’s   so   many   directions   to   go   in    maybe   its   purely   a   casual   thing   ,    maybe   it’s   casual   for   gio   but   not   for   them   ,   or    maybe   gio’s   the   one   like   worm   maybe   i  would   like   more   than   sex   ,    maybe   it’s   like   a   we   only   hookup   when   we’re   high   at   parties   thing  ,   perhaps   it’s   a   secret   hookup   thing   so   it   gets   angsty      

maybe   a   rival   or   someone   she   swears   she   hates   and   they   swear   the   same   but   they   accidentally   bond   along   the   way   and   it’s   like   well   i   thought   i   hated   u   but   perhaps  we   are   more   similar   than   we   thought   but   also   we   only   know   how   to   be  enemies  so   how   do   we   even   move   past   this   ...

perhaps   someone   gio   goes   to   when   she’s   especially   fucked   up   and   they   take   care   of   her   /   start   to   resent   her   for   seemingly   caring   so   little   abt   her   own   well   being   and   she   resents   them   for   caring   too  much   bc   it’s   not   liked   she   asked   but   she   keeps   showing   up   at   their   door   and   they   keep   letting   her   in   

someone   she   can   be   in   cahoots   with   ...   go   absolutely   bonkers   with   knowing   they   won’t   judge   her   and   she   won’t   judge   them

perhaps   someone   she   can   be   a   bad   influence   on

also   someone   who   makes   her   want   to   be   a   better   person   bc   we   need   balance

a   group   of   girls   gio   can   be   like   men   r   disgusting   with   but   then   they  catch   her   hooking   up   with   said   stinky   man   and   it’s   just   a   cycle   like   please   get   some  help  luv   

a   dealer   mayhaps   ?   

someone   whose   favorite   pen   she   stole   but   blatantly   lied   and   said   she   didn’t   steal   it   but   she   uses   it   everyday  in   class   so   u   know   she   did   in  fact   steal   ur   pen

ok   she’s   out   of   juice   i’m   she      

i   wont   lie   to   u   ive   been   writing   this   all  damn   day   …   but   we   finally   made   it   baby   😭😭😭   im   sosososo  sorry   for   the   length   &  the   wait   …   also   i   feel   like   my   charas   always   change   a  lil   once   i   actually   start   plotting   &   writing   so   sorry   again   if   u   see   me   finally   writing   as   giovanna   on   the   dash   and   ur   like   lit   rally   who   is   that   …  JSDBWJBDWBDJ   also   side   note   i   promise   u   im   almost  done   word   vomiting   all   over   the   place   but   it   must   b   said   ...   u   know   how   there’s   that   trope   that   supposed   insanity   is   like   not   always  real    like   how   female   hysteria   was   a   whole   as   thing   or   like   how   in   haunting   of   hill   house   where   the   charas   weren’t   really   haunted   by   ghosts   at   all   more   so   by   their   trauma   ...   that   was   my   whole   inspo   with   the   argenti’s   like   are   they   even  cursed   at   all   ?   who   is   to   say   ...   PLEASE  come  message  me  on  discord  to  plot   !   @ you are my soulmate ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172   maybe  …   give   this   a   like   if   u   wanna   …   do   that   hehehe   thank   u   for   reading   all   this   ur   so   brave   for   that   stay   sexy   stan   loona  x  

[pixie-punx]

VERY LONG POST BUT IT'S ABOUT ME PLZ PLZ READ

hi friends, ive never really talked about this until now but i feel like i really need to post this somewhere because it's really important to look for toxic friendships and know what to do

so here's my story. i had this friend that i made in elementary school. for now, ill call them chuck. chuck was literally my best friend and we did everything together in like 5th and 6th grade. chuck ended up moving away in sixth grade and we were both really sad but we ended up moving on and not keeping contact cause it was pretty hard to keep up back then.

when facebook started being more popular and i was in 9th grade, chuck and i reconnected through facebook and whatnot. we were both older and hung out infrequently since they still lived pretty far away and what not. we eventually started talking as more than friends, and in the summer we had started dating, or so i had thought.

we would send cute texts to each other every day and talk about cuddling and all that cute, bologna hs stuff. except everytime i wouldn't text them for a little bit cause i was busy doing something, they'd get upset at me and tell mr that i didn't really care about them. this was obviously wrong and me being the person that i was, i tried to fix the situation and reassure them that it wasn't true at all. this went on for a really long time.

one day, they texted me telling me that we weren't actually dating and that we never were. i was very confused and hurt because i thought i had been in this relationship for several months. we texted every day, i told them how much i cared about them, all that stuff, i cashed in all of my "dumb kid" points on this situation obviously. they said we could still be cute and talk about all this stuff, but that they weren't ready for a relationship, which i said was okay because i respected their space and their decision. i mean come on, it was chuck after all.

in that same conversation they were telling me that they were moving back to my town and that they were gonna be coming to the same school as me. i was thrilled, maybe chuck and i could actually hang out sometime and finally cuddle like we talked about and stuff.

we very smartly set our parameters for what we wanted while we were at school. we decided no on all the pda stuff cause we were just friends, which was their decision and i was again all cool with it because why wouldn't i be?

i see them one day holding hands with someone else. this obviously hurt me because chuck made me feel like i was special and they told me that they didnt want to do pda woth someone they weren't dating, but also that they weren't ready for a conversation. i was very very confused, and i texted them about it

they of course got mad at me and told me that it was perfectly okay that two friends were holding hands and that i was being overdramatic, even telling me that they were starting to doubt how much i wanted to be friends with them. i of course went back into defense mode because they made me feel like a terrible person for addressing it.

there were many points here that i should've decided to keep space, and i even tried to several times, but every time i tried i was greeted with 'you dont care about me, i guess im nothing to you" ya know, the stuff that makes you feel like the worst person on the planet.

one day after chuck and i had another one of those conversations that was like "if i was ready for a relationship I'd date you but i just can't rn but i still like you a lot," chuck started dating someone else that i knew. i was fucking devasted. my trust was broken, i was lied to, i was lead on and i felt like a chump. they weren't texting me for a while because of their new relationship, which was good because i finally found the distance that i needed. I didn't think anything of this situation besides reminding myself that i am worthy of love, something that i honestly still have problems with today. i have to thank the love of my life @joel_august for being just the absolute best and making me feel like an important person and making me feel worthy of love again 💜💜

the reason I'm making this post now and not two years ago when it all ended was because i didnt even realize that this was a toxic friendship until a few weeks ago when i got a text from chuck wanting to catch up. chuck played an important part of my life but they also made me feel like a terrible person and was the person that made it so that I'm very bad at texting, very down on myself a lot and very careful with my friends. im glad that my life has improved a lot since then and that ive been feeling a lot better of myself again (once again thanks joel i love you very much 💜💜💜) and i just wanted to share my story with y'all. thank you lovelies!

[emily-charles]

My last nightmare: (January 10th, 2020)

(None of this is well-written or thought-out. There’s probably typos, or errors, but I wrote it out because my nightmares suck, and I was told once to record them. I wrote it out, still half asleep.) So I'm a black woman, with this amazing, springy, short curly hair. Personally, as a white gal, I'm not used to it, and I keep playing with it. It sounds stupid, but I've never been given that opportunity before. I'm beautiful (from my point of view, but 'I'/she doesn't think so as much). She is actually really soul crushing about how mean she is to herself. It hurts me to hear others think that way about themselves. But I know I do it too some days. She's stunning, but she thinks she's plain. 'Nothing much', as 'she' puts it. But that line between reality and the dream fade, and I'm her now. I'm a black, lesbian woman, who's dating and living with a Latina woman, named Marie. She has this beautiful skin. It looks like dark honey and feels like silk, and I know every inch of her body. Her long, straight hair, it almost reaches her waist, and she's been growing it out for years. She told me so. A whole history between us, and I don't know where it came from, but I love her and I know it. I met her at a local bar. Just by a single glance. A 'save me' glance. I'd never been a 'love at first sight' kinda gal, but I fell in love with her the minute she smiled at me, and twisted away from some 'I bet I can make you like dick' dude. I had come up to monitor the issue as it seemed this beautiful chick was getting harassed. I walked over, straightened my shoulders to give off a more powerful vibe, and threw my arm around her, smiled sweetly at her, and said, "Is this idiot being a douche canoe?" She leaned over, and kissed me abruptly. The men hooted and hollered, then she turned around, grabbed his beer from his hand, and poured it over his fucking head. We both got kicked out of the bar, but I'd never laughed so hard. It was worth it. We spent the rest of the night, chatting in some cheap-ass pizza place, sipping from her 'hidden flask' and sharing a slice of pizza that was basically a quarter of a pizza. She's fucking stunning, she smart, with the sharpest wit I'd ever experienced, and I love her. I love her so much. I'm going to marry her, when the law passes in America, and I know it. She works as an RN at our nearest hospital. She'd moved here for the work (I didn't know nurses had to move to find work? Is that true? I'm still weirded out by this after waking) -- so she meets a bunch of new people, and I'm one of the first she meets just by this bar-experience. I remember everything about her. I remember her name was Marie Anne Juarez. She was disowned by her family when she came out of the closet, and things had been tough for her for a long time. She worked two jobs, and occasionally a part-time gig on top when the other two weren't enough. After she saved up, she put the money into school, rented the tiniest room she could find, and found a better full-time job. Somewhere else with 12-hour shifts, and worked her ass off. She'd felt alone for a long time, but she found her relationships with another tight knit group of LGBTQ through me. When we first met, she was quiet at the beginning of the night-- but sassy as fuck. Once she opened up, I knew those small smirks/grins, and smiles led to sass and funny comments. We were both somewhat sarcastic, and we both giggled over a lot of the same things. When she started her RN career, she worked 16-hours straight, but she never complained (do nurses really work that long?? Like holy shit...). I lived with her later on. I remember her panties. How she liked booty shorts, (my favourites were her black with neon orange elastic) and lace thongs specifically (Easter colors always outside of a handful of black pairs). How pink and this mustard yellow were her favourite colours. They matched her skin tone, nearly black eyes, and dark hair. I remember where the window in our bedroom was. Our queen-sized bed. I remember that she always blow-dried her hair straight even though it was wavy to curly. How much she loved the 'natural' look when it came to make-up except for liner and mascara. Maybe that's a nurse thing. No time for anything else. One night I came home from work, made a quickie stupid dinner because I beat her home, and she didn't show. The police called me, and said she was at X-hospital. God forbid I remember what hospital it was in my dream. I went immediately. They wouldn't let me see her, even though I was her 'emergency contact'. They said, "Only family." And I wasn't 'family'. I was her fucking girlfriend. And even if I was her fianceé, I was female, and oh my gosh, the scandal! Even though her family hadn't talked to her in years -- and no 'family' would be coming to visit -- I had to wait outside. I wasn't allowed to see her. When she finally walked out she was wearing hospital clothing -- they'd taken her clothing as 'evidence'. She told me everything then. In a quiet voice, and without seemingly to stop and breathe -- all at once, and just once, she told me everything. All while avoiding my gaze, and refusing my touch -- I can’t hold her hand, I can’t brush too close, or make direct eye contact with her. She had been walking, in her scrubs to her car to the employee parking lot (all under video surveillance), and was sexually assaulted as she was unlocking her car. He raped her between her car, and the car parked next to her. When she tried to resist, he strangled her, and smashed and dragged her face across the concrete. She had bruises around her neck, stitches along her brow and side of her cheek, and butterfly tape across her nose. She told me what happened, and after that -- she refused to speak of it again. She told me that she just needed time. She was given 'leave' from the hospital for 'health reasons' and she stared at the wall or muted television most of the time. I never questioned her, but I begged her to talk to me sometimes. After awhile, when she let me, I held her. I spooned her, and she didn't flinch from my touch; she just clutched me tighter. Enough to leave half-moon marks in the tops of my hand from her nails. And sobbed occasionally. She dry-heaved occasionally, or went on benders trying to clean everything. Anything to dismiss the memory, I suppose.

I would have to stop her at 3AM from doing the dishes. Clutching her to me, and dragging her into my lap to get her to stop, and she would get angry and burst out crying. Or sometimes she just hiccupped and stared at nothing. Sometimes she struggled to get away so she could keep cleaning. I kept us afloat. I knew she was going through bad shit. I was there. I saw it first hand. Tucked in bed with her, fully clothed -- this wasn't the time to ask questions. Just be there for her, and do what I can. I just wanted to glue all the broken pieces back together. I still had to work, and leave her alone all day to keep us afloat, and I hated leaving her. I would text her throughout the day, reminding her how much I loved her. How amazing she was. I came home two months after the assault, and the sink was on. I could hear it through the thin walls of our small house while I was unlocking and pushing open the door of our side entrance. The sink was running full blast, and I was so confused. The sink was overfilling. Did she fall into a depression sleep while doing the dishes? There was water all over the floor. I yelled her name, and stepped forward to turn off the tap but never got to it. Our kitchen was small. A small island of grey/white/black splatters that matched the surrounding counters. But as I stepped in, keeping my sneakers on to avoid the water, I noticed the water had a weird amber/brown rust colour to it the closer to the sink I got. I stepped in further, and saw her. Laying flat. On the ground. She was still in her scrubs even though she hadn’t been to work in months. She said they were comfortable and reminded her of a better time. They were blue. At least... mostly. But the water... the thin layer of water around her was brown. Reddish brown. It was only then, I noticed she was injured. A angry red slice splitting her skin goes from the inside of elbow straight to the palm of her hand. A paring knife was nearby her other hand. The water has collected around her. It must've been hot or warm at one point -- but it's still running now, and absolutely ice cold now, and her lips are a bluish tinge. I pulled myself away from my inner thoughts, scream her name, and fall on my knees in the murky water. My thoughts aren't clear. I shake her -- reach to check for a pulse -- and there's nothing. I can't find a pulse. I see movies all the time where they say to put your fingers, but I can't find it. I scream in her face to wake up. I scream her name. I'm not at all ashamed to say I pimp slapped the hell out of her while screaming, "WAKE UP!" Nothing worked in the first literal ten seconds -- so I ended up calling 9-1-1. No idea how I grabbed, or dialed my cell phone, but it happened. I scream for an ambulance, say someone's dying, and give the address. I shouted her name, leaning over her chest to listen. A rattle, a wheeze.... Anything. I take a breath to try calm myself so I can hear over the sound of my blood rushing in my ears, and try again. I tie the nearest tea towel around her arm as tight as I can. I tell her she’s not allowed to leave. I tell her I love her. I tell her to wake up.  I tell her I won’t let her leave. For some reason the whole experience is as slow as quicksand. Slowly sucking the everything out of you before drowning you. I slap Marie again like she owes me money -- like I'm actually angry and not terrified. Then I straddle her hips and push on her diaphragm, and ribs together. I keep screaming at her, and there's wetness on my face. I think it's either from the floor, or I'm crying. She briefly smiles despite the pain I must be causing her, and even though she tries to open her eyes -- they open sluggishly, and the lower part of her eyes show. White and the dark bluish-grey ring of her dark like night eyes. She mutters, "Love you. Sorry." Then her eyes and lungs close. I have heard the goddamn death rattle, and I've ignored it. The water surrounding us looks like it had been soaking in a bath-bomb made of a brick. I am focused and pressing on her chest, and I hear her exhale with each push, but aside from that, I hear nothing except the sink still running that I’ve forgotten to turn off. I have to breathe into her in order to get her chest to inflate. The EMTs come out of nowhere. I am shoved away abruptly -- I am furious, delerious, fighting them -- trying to keep the rhythm of her heart and lungs -- but I am pulled away by two cops after that. It appears 9-1-1 sends cops with the ambulance no matter where they go. I struggle against them, I yell things like, "She's asthmatic! Allergic to cats, cashews, peanuts, but we don't keep that shit in our house!" The cops take me with them to the hospital in the backseat like some bad guy, clothes and hands still drenched and soaked in her blood and the dirty water. I'm not allowed to ride in the ambulance with her. I'm asked so many questions, but I'm not "family". Even though I'm her emergency contact, I can't do anything. The triage nurses insist on me waiting in the waiting room. No one seems to listen to me. They tell me to wait. I'm not allowed in. I'm not 'family’. I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. When the doctor comes out, his face gives everything away with a gentle shake of his head. I burst into tears, and I start telling him, "No. NO. No, no, no," before he can say anything. I wake up, and I'm crying in my sleep.

[shiredwarf]

24 hours later: i'm still outraged as ever & i've found a couple of new things to be outraged about that i somehow just missed yesterday. which is understandable. hard to keep track of all the fuck ups!

what was the point of euron fighting jaime? also how did they even end up together? that was another case of characters just conveniently appearing at the right time at the right location (which is like euron’s mine character trait at this point: randomly showing up without any real reason just to fuck shit up in the most annoying way possible). Also: why didn't Jaime just go for this route the first time around?! he might have even made it in time. why is euron so obsessed with killing jaime? why is euron in general? what's his point? was he ever meant to be anything but a cheap plot device? everyone deserved better than this

the fact that the unsullied officers just left tyrion with jaime no questions asked is probably the dumbest moment of the entire episode. dany has often and loudly questions tyrion's loyalty but nothing suspicious about tyrion (THE HAND OF THE QUEEN) wanting to stand guard outside the tent and sending everyone else away. like what's he gonna do? free the person he clearly loves most in the world with a key that just magically appeared in his hand while davos somehow sneaks past the entire greyjoy fleet to leave a boat at the foot of the red keep? naaah (how did davos get back from there btw? did he tow another boat? was he not alone? why am i even trying to make sense of this we all know this plot was written on a piece of toilet paper)

and what's with dany never learning of jaime's escape?! someone must have checked on such a high profile prisoner in the morning? someone must have noticed and told dany who just hours ago threatened tyrion with death should he ever betray her. why did noone come up with the idea to use jaime as a hostage??? but guess everyone just forgot about him, just like the writers forgot about his arc :))))))))))))))))))

where did all the dothraki come from? why are there still so many unsullied left? it sure looked like 90% of them died in winterfell. then we see a significant number in episode five and in the trailer for episode 6 it looks like thousands??? do they just respawn? are we following video game logic now? (btw remember when soldiers had actual personalities? when was the last time an unsullied beside grey worm or a dothraki did anything to remind us they're more than npcs. what do they think about all of this? what did they think about the army of the dead? how are they coping? why was everyone suddenly ok with senseless violence against children even though dany has been saying for years she doesn't want that. yeah sure, she started the kings landing BBQ but she was in a completely different part of the city. there was no way for the foot soldier to know that she was indeed butchering civilians and not just wiping out the last remainders of the lannister forces that hadn't put down their weapons. i’m glad though that they all apparently learned to communicate with each other telepathically otherwise they would be as freaking lost as me rn

one thing the books and previous seasons have been really good at is small little world-building elements that pay off later. and they could have used that in season 8! there wasn't any need to introduce new stuff they could have just used what's already there. they did well on that account with lyanna, jorah and theon. Theon probably had the best arc this season tbh (not a tough competition but it's something) and died a stark and a greyjoy. His identity was the major theme of his journey and seeing it played out this way was satisfying! Lyanna and Jorah both embodied "Here We Stand" in their final moments (Jorah quite literally) and that was wonderful! Why couldn't we get something like this for the Lannisters? Why couldn't we get one final, brilliant scene with cersei trying to turn the tide (backup plan? never heard of it). Don't get me wrong, Lena's acting was fantastic but why couldn't we get a "Hear me roar" moment? Her arc was tide to house Lannister more than any other and yet we didn't get anything? Why didn't we get any rewarding rains of castamere parallels? if they're set on wiping house lannister off the map why not show the tragedy and irony of it. why not remind of us tywin's fantastic speech in season 2? they could have used any of those themes but they didn't???

i'm still not even ready to begin to vocalize my opinions regarding jaime. every time i think about it i can feel my life drain out of me. what a fucking waste you guys

what i can vocalize now however is how much i do hate cersei's end and how they treated lena. I cannot get over that. like i realize she is a villain and i realize she is not meant to be a sympathetic character and she never had a chance to get redemption or get out alive but the show treated her like dirt in the end and just like jaime she was eventually reduced to the incest plotline. she started this show out as someone completely at the mercy of the men in her life (her father, her husband) and while jaime was a big part of her arc her main objective was always throwing off that control and taking it herself. sure she overdid it massively and became power hungry but that power hunger is a direct result of the way she was brought up and everything she was forced into/everything she was denied. weirdly, her conflicts are very similar to brienne's. both women didn't want the roles their peers tried to force them into, both women wanted to escape and both women assumed to do so they would have to take on male traits. brienne did that by rejecting her womanhood completely for 7 seasons and aspiring to be a knight. cersei took a very different route. maybe because she had that option (brienne couldn't mould herself into a proper lady unlike her) or maybe because that was literally her only option (imagine tywin's reaction to cersei putting on armour...). in the years that follow cersei and brienne obviously take very different paths and they have very different personalities but just as brienne deserved her knighthood and the affections and acceptance of the man she loves, cersei would have deserved to be free of men trying to decide her fate for her. but she never was. first it was her father, then robert, then her father again, then the high sparrow and when she finally wiped them all out she had to let another man she despised into her bed to maintain power. brienne managed to escape the confines of male-dominated society forced on her, cersei never did. they could have either shown her finally free before her death, free of the men that tried to control her all her life, free of the power hunger, free of societies expectations or they could have had her face her ugly deeds. i doubt she would have ever regretted any of it but it would have been so much more satisfying to see her properly outsmarted, to see her face off either dany or sansa or jon (or even tyrion or jaime had his character arc not been ruined before that). she was a fantastic, complex villain until she basically just started to stare off into the distance. it would have been so satisfying to see her face reality before the end. Instead, we got rocks. but even that scene (as beautifully as it's acted) isn't satisfying. cersei, who has never been one to just weep helplessly, is first reduced to begging jaime for her life & to save their child (AGAIN WHAT WAS THE POINT! I WILL NEVER GET IT!) and then she keeps freaking out because she doesn't want to die at all and certainly not this way (very self-centred as always whereas jaime is much calmer and at peace with what's about to happen and ready to take care of her even though he’s worse off) . i don't know if this was intentional or just a happy accident but even in those final scenes it's very obvious that the love cersei has for jaime is not the same kind of love jaime has for her. i guess they both ended up wanting to die in each others arms seconds before it happened so there’s that. but it’s a cheap ending for the best actress in the show before they robbed her of all opportunities to shine

oh and lena's instagram combined with her body double’s yet unseen work on the show has now convinced me that we're incredibly likely to see cersei's and jaime's mutilated bodies/heads next week. can't wait to see their characters disrespected on a whole new level jfc i’m so tired

i can't even think about brienne these days. absolutely seething. at this point i would prefer it if the brienne/jaime romance had never happened in ep. 4. if they'd stuck to glances and meaningful gestures at least it would have made more sense. brienne would have been his "what if" when they erased jaime's character development and made him return to cersei (which i maintain could have made sense because no matter what jaime will always love his family no matter how much he also hates them IF ONLY THEY HAD PUT IN THE FUCKING WORK). but she's not a "what if" now is she. she is his "this happened and it was good and important" but we're just going to forget this. we're just going to forget that the last 8 seasons have been leading up to this point. we're gonna forget that for the entire first half of season 8 jaime didn't even flinch at the thought of cersei dying. four episodes of jaime glued to brienne's side and then we're just expected to believe he doesn't care after all. then we're just supposed to believe she is never mentioned again and no thought of her crosses his mind or anyone else's for that matter (looking at you tyrion). I genuinely don't get what the point of that romance was then. to keep jaime in winterfell for a bit longer so him getting captured would make more sense? i feel like there were like a million ways to get the same outcome without throwing brienne under the bus. brienne and her entire arc were used as a cheap plot device for jaime and it wasn't even worth it cause they then butchered jaime's arc. god i'm so angry.

remember the last time a tv show fucked up in the last episode? yeah, dexter!  i'm calling it now: got will end exactly like dexter in terms of plot and level of satisfaction. jon will kill dany (a family member/romantic interest) and then go north to spend his day in the wilderness (lumberjacking away miserably)

the more i think about it there is not a single thing about this episode that actually makes sense. this goes beyond plotholes, this is just a plain hole

[sinesalvatorem]

Response To Endecision, Pt 6 (Finale)

(Endecision’s post can be found here. My masterpost about these responses can be found here.)

At the end of her post, Endecision has included her final messages to her before I blocked her on the suggestion of Kelsey @theunitofcaring. The reason I ever wound up blocking her is because I had this conversation with Kelsey:

Me:  Also, uh, sorry about everything from 2015.

Kelsey:  that was not your fault at all. I wish I had had more of my shit together or at least been more aware sooner of the ways in which I didn't. you deserve better

Me:  It's more acutely on my mind rn since [Endecision]’s last message to me is >Kelsey almost died because of you. Do you feel good about that?

[Addendum - I didn’t include the part about someone else being broke in this message because it might have been private to them and was irrelevant to my apology to Kelsey.]

Kelsey:  holy shit that's a horrible, horrible thing for her to say and I'm so so so sorry what the fuck how dare she

Me:  It's actually not an unusual example of things she says? Half the time we interact, she's optimising for me feeling bad. Which is why I try to avoid living with her.

Kelsey:  yeah that makes perfect sense on your end but /what the fuck/

Me:  Since other wise I'm too, like, mentally poisoned to function.

Kelsey:  there is literally no one it's ever ever ever okay to say that to yeah no kidding anyone would be!!!!!

This conversation eventually ended with her suggesting that I block Endecision online while getting an intermediary to allow both of us to communicate on immigration matters while not allowing her to say things like this to me that are clearly calculated to cause me pain, as well as her acting as my escort while I collected my belongings from my house to move out.

But back to Endecision’s post:

I wish I’d talked to people about this a long time ago. It was hard to. The whole situation has been incredibly isolating.

This was roughly what happened for me as well. I desperately wanted to talk about all the abuse I was experiencing, but I didn’t want to reveal any of Endecision’s personal information, or out her as an abuser in a way that would make it hard for her to make friends. (I later realised that 1) it was not my job to trick people into thinking she wasn’t abusive so that they’d be friends with her, and doing so was immoral and endangering regardless, and 2) she actually has no trouble with having people be friends with her and date her while being fully aware that she’s terribly abusive, so this was apparently never a problem to begin with?)

But I don’t say this to argue about who had it worse or anything, but because I actually really empathise with having something that’s eating your life and poisoning everything for you and that you can’t talk to anyone about. It’s horrible and painful and frustrating. This is the main reason I begged her to let us go to a counselor, or couple’s therapy, or even find a mutual friend to talk to. But she refused every possibility of telling other people secrets. Which doesn’t mean I don’t believe her about how bad the isolation was - I expect it was terrible, but being extremely paranoid meant she wasn’t willing to let either of us break it.

Until very recently I threw up my hands, said “fuck it”, and decided I was actually going to talk about why I was constantly depressed and on drugs and running away from home and just generally had everything falling apart. And, as much as I know Endecision hates me for it, I can’t possibly regret it. I couldn’t have survived not doing this for any longer. I actually legitimately regret every degree of privacy she lost as a result of this, but I couldn’t take this any longer.

We were fighting a lot at the end, she would leave the house and not talk to me for days, I would worry that she was going to kill herself or overdose or something.

I ran away from home constantly because I didn’t feel safe living in the same house as her any time she was angry, given her propensity to take it out on me, that fact that every facet of my abuse was escalating, and that she had a knife and (according to her) only avoided physically attacking me because she didn’t expect to win. I had no idea how long the absence of physical violence would hold for, and the emotional abuse alone was enough to make me life-ruiningly anxious when I had to be around her.

When we fought, I would try and try to tell her what had been bad for me, and she would stare at me silently and sometimes just walk out, and I would despair of ever getting anything across.

I was only ever quiet when I was trying to avoid saying anything that would further upset her. I chose my words very carefully in all our arguments, because I wanted to be as kind and emotional-labour-performing as I could, and any time I said anything even slightly wrong she would become vastly angrier.

I never tried to openly express how I felt to her in an argument, because she would always accuse me of trying to make the situation about me, even if what I was saying was that I felt deeply sorry for having done something she disapproved of. And, whenever possible, I just tried to hide from her, because I knew nothing I could say to her would ever make things better, and every interaction with her would always be her rending my soul as much as she possibly could.

My friend noticed something was wrong and was helping us talk to each other and things were getting better, until I sent those last messages and she ran away for good, which is a decision I still find baffling.

...OK, and this is the point at which I can no longer keep my charitable composure. How fucking dare. Things were getting better for her. A meeting was arranged for us to work out our differences, in which she took every opportunity to take thiny-veiled stabs at me and I freely gave concessions in good faith that she effectively spat on.

I gave up on living in the bedroom, and she started coming out into the living room I was now occupying to yell at me. I opened our relationship after working for weeks to make myself just accept arbitrary amounts of emotional pain, and then found out that she had just gone ahead and had an affair anyway, and had no plan to tell me. I was constantly anxious and suicidal, and basically everything she did to or around me made it worse. I was open on my blog about how much I hated living at home, so she was fully aware that I was in this state and still pretends that everything was going great.

Because everything was getting better for her. I sold my soul to make things better for her, because I thought she gave a crap about me and would try to hurt me less. But such was my naivety. She clearly, fundamentally, does not care about whether my life is any good. Because she watched it unravel harder and faster than ever before and thought “Ah, yes, this means everything is getting better”. Because the only thing that matters is whether things are good for her. And, when someone who is clearly doing worse and worse eventually cuts and runs, this is “a decision [she] still find[s] baffling”. Un. Fucking. Believable. Pathological narcissism at its goddamn finest.

What I want now is not to hurt or “poison” or trap her in this situation, but to get the fucking immigration done because I made a commitment to that (and expect to be blamed if it fails), then get as far away from her as I can.

You and me both.

[rpsidebloghell]

My last post got me thinking, have I ever introduced you all to my Novel’s characters? Bc I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I love them all so let me break down who they are. (Art isn’t 100% how I picture them but still awesome, commissioned the art like a year ago to help someone raising money for their dog bc of doggo health issues they couldn’t afford)

Elisabeth is the main pov character for the story and the one with the blue as red steaks in her hair. (not always there, done with hair chalk.) And she is a slightly over enthusiastic extrovert(when awake) who loves her dumbass dorky guardians like they were actually family. She also likes to goad Desmond into piggy back rides and usually fails and just jumps on Phoenix’s back and will give people the dirtiest look ever if people as if her and Desmond are dating because “no??? We grew up together??? He’s practically my brother and I’d sooner eat a live chicken????” Elisabeth is NOT the hero of this story, idk she’s just the one who stood out to me for pov bc she would be there for basically all of it bc of Aqua and Phoenis but like, plot is driven by the Elemental Advisors which btw is the name for the novel.

Desmond is Mr. I’m Gonna Wear A Ring Around My Neck Instead Of On My Finger BC I Can. He is literally the definition of an optimist, he prefers to believe that things will turn out fine until proven wrong and even then he’s someone who thinks every thing happens for a reason. He is just as disgusted as Elisabeth if anyone mistakes them as a couple but is better at hiding that then he and will usually just correct them and be like “no we’re just best friends!”. He legit has to drag his guardian out of caves sometimes when he gets into a depressed and brooding mood and once found him napping as a dragon and got Phoenix to do it instead bc “??? Dude I don’t wanna get stepped on and your more durable than me???” Draco has been a guardian to people in his family for generations upon generations, having met a young boy wanting the desert an spending 9 years helping him find his family before deciding he didn’t feel right leavin him behind. So he formed a guardian bond with him and has had one with 1 member of the family at any given time since, though there are sometimes gaps well e waits for a member to e born that he wants to form a connection with or as he tries to find someone in the family that he wants to make a guardian bond with and they with him.

Elisabeth as Desmond are both human beings from the planet earth(or mostly in Elizabetha case but???? That’s more plot centered than character which I’m nothing getting into RN)

Aquarius is the one with the blue hair and elf like ears, and honestly if it wasn’t for her neither one of her dork Elemental advisor partners would get anything done when together because Phoenix just finds it to fun to annoy Draco out of his quietness. She along with Drago and Phoenix are 3 of the 5 Elemental advisors to their king, and also spirits of the constellations of the same names. There is a whole big “Star Spirit Race” lore thing I could get into but YOLO not gonna RN. She is the physical embodiment of the star spirit of Aquarius(best way to explain without getting in depth is its roughly how gems physical form works in Steven Universe but also somewhat different??) and has powers over water and healing. She’s with Phoenix an exclusive though their commitment isn’t a permanent thing yet(which is rare with start spirits bc cause of how long they are around) and at one point when younger she and Draco had a brief relationship. She’s pretty close with the ‘elder’ advisors Perseus and Antila as well, she very much enjoys training with all of her fellow advisors in power combination and always enjoys getting their opinions on an idea that she had involving this. Free time tends to be spent letting herself drift and sink and float on any large body of water she can find.

Phoenix is the dude with the flamey hair and for the most part a giant dork who loves to annoy his best friend and future leader of the advisors Draco, who usually proceeds to try and lift himself away from the annoyance on a column of earth. He however can be a bit F a hot head at times, though it’s only ever once gotten out of control. When Draco’s wife and Polaris’(“King” of the star spirits) half human love child who they’d all come to see as a trusted friend turned evil and went crazy(legit not her fault, her human brain couldn’t cope with immortality) he lost control an Mt. Vesuvius erupted and he destroyed Pompeii and stayed their in isolation not talking to anyone or like 10 years till his mentor (Constellation Leo) got him to leave to help his depressed AF bff. He still feels terrible about what happened and will get broody whenever the city is mentioned. He Phoenix has always had a thing for Aquarius, however he never really said anything until somewhat recently by star standards-about 300 years ago. That’s a minor part in their history together though an they didn’t get together right away anyway so u won’t get in depth any more than I did in with Aqua’s blurb. His powers are pretty obviously fire related but??? He can morph into a Phoenix form as well.

DRACO, my god I had to save this broody little bitch last bc I’ll prob just keep babbling about him. Draco is my self created problematic fav. He is the next leader of the advisors as decided by Perseus, Antila and Polaris. (though TBH Aqua was a close second till se made it known she had no desire to actually lead when the debates about who would be the next leader were going on) He is also such a fucking broody little both these day, okay. Sorry back on track. Part of the reason for him being chosen as an advisor in the first place was his raw power, he has powers over both dirt and dirt like substances and plant life, can shift Ito a dragon and has naturally enhanced strength due to the dragon part of him. All this and he sill can’t stop his wife from going mad from immortality. OKAY OKAY SORRY BACK ON TRACK AGAIN.

Draco was trained in his ability a of Earth by Taurus and Plant life by Libra, later on by Perseus in leadership. He ended up close to ad old friend with Phoenix and Aqua before all the shit happened that made him a broody little bitch. When Phoenix volunteered for and left on an extended mission with Antila he and Aqua grew closer without Phoenix there, they had a brief relationship that had dwindled out naturally after a couple centuries-something not uncommon with their people. After Polaris’ daughter Vega was born the advisors were made her teachers an protectors, it wasn’t until she was nearly 30 the feelings shifted from that for Draco but there with the issue of lifespan and Vega not wanting to start somethings for the sole reason of not wanting to die on him. Eventually with the help of Aquarius and Pisces they found the solution of taking a small part of some stars energy force and replacing it with her own, though not enough for them to really notice. It worked and she was now basically immortal and they could live on happily every after for a thousand year before she went mad and he and she became committed to one and other after a couple centuries and they had matching sets of silver and gold bracelets to signify that except it didn’t last and she went crazy bc her brain wasn’t meant to handle that long of a life.

Because of her threat but neither Draco or Polaris wanting her to die she was sealed away(with help from the constellations Cepheus and Cassiopeia and guarded by Cetus lolololol couldn’t resist the Greek Myth reference bc I’m a dork) until they could find out how to fix the problem of her going mad and then Draco brooded in a cave for a few centuries before meeting Desmond’s ancestor and he wears Vega’s bracelets that he left behind when he refused o help her crazy self along with his own and basically just wonders why existence is so cruel and how to get Vega back to herself even if she still chooses not to be with him bc he’d rather a universe where she was truly herself and not driven mad but not with him than a universe where she is locked away for eternity as sill not with him. He just wants a universe where Vega is truly Vega and not some deranged version of herself driven mad by immortality.

EDIT: Legit 100% only because of her healing abilities that Aqua doesn't have scars like the boys even though she repeatedly tells them to come to her for healing when they are hurt and gives them a death glare when se realized thy have once again not done this each ad every time.