#and try to get on some actual antidepressants or something

[floral-hex]

ayyyyyyy I set up an appointment for medication this Friday (telemedicine but whatever) and I get to see my former therapist again later this month. I’m kind of excited. More than kind of. Little sad, but I’m lonely and want to talk to someone. He’s a real cool dude. I’m a little worried to trauma dump the last 6 months on him, but whatever, it beats sitting there for an hour feeling like I’m wasting his time and struggling to think of things to say. dang dang dang, I’m excited.

[spacehusbandsks]

I interrupted M's daily top surgery spiral and told him he needs to start telling people 'I'm a man that happens to have massive tits, so what? Got a problem with it?' Cause at the end of the day if he never is able to get top surgery, he's still a dude. People can respect him or shove it. bUT WhY nOt bInD aT lEaSt? First off, try having bigger than average breasts (that's AFTER a breast reduction even mind you!) now let's add chronic pain from a list of different conditions, oh and hot flashes too, can't forget debilitating anxiety, plus sensory issues. Go on, see how simple it is to bind now. 🙄Fuck. You. Guess what, even if he simply wanted to keep his breasts for any reason, he's still a dude. End of story.

[smiteswrites]

Okay, hear me out… Robby with a partner who has a hard time orgasming (because I need to feel seen, and hopefully y’all do too). MDNI 18+!!!

a/n: I know we all love a good smutty fic where the reader gets to cum like three times, but let’s be honest, that is not reality for most people. I need some representation for those of us who live the antidepressant lifestyle. I know I asked about Robby/Michael, but something about this felt like a 'Robby' fic (idk). Next time I write about this man we will go with Michael, pinky promise. Wrote this after working a 50 hour week and did not revise it. Also haven't written smut in literal years. You have been warned.

In recent years, getting yourself to orgasm has become a challenge. Sure, you can get there on your own with some patience and a trusty vibrator, but it takes time. And sometimes being with a partner, especially a new one, means you don’t really want them trying to get you there for forty fucking minutes. So, when you and Robby start seeing each other you don't exactly fake it, but you don’t let him focus his attention on you for long before you turn the tables and start pleasuring him. 

But Robby isn’t stupid, and he needs to know you’re enjoying yourself as much as he is. So, a handful of times into sleeping together, he finds himself in a familiar position: dressed in only his briefs, lying sprawled out on his stomach, head between your open legs, putting his mouth to good use. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t feel fucking amazing. His beard scratches at your inner thighs and below your entrance as he uses his tongue to steadily lap at your clit. The pressure and rhythm he's giving you is enough to make pleasure burn low in your pelvis; you can’t help but rock your hips into his face, using your grip in his hair as leverage to make sure he keeps his tongue right fucking there. 

Robby can feel the urgency in the way you’re pulling his face impossibly closer. He knows damn well that you haven’t cum for him in any of your previous times together, he’s had over thirty years of experience with women, not to mention he’s a fucking doctor, he knows what an orgasm looks like (and sounds and tastes and feels like). He can tell each time you give up and move the focus away from your own pleasure, trying to distract him. This time though, he isn’t stopping until he gets what he wants. He moves his hands from where they rest passively on your thighs, one going to grip your hip and anchor you to him, the other coming to rest flat and warm on your lower stomach. You let out a moan at the feeling of his palm on your stomach, the feeling in your pelvis has grown into something that feels more tangible. So much so, that your legs begin to shake with it and you think you might actually cum this time. Robby thinks so too, feeling your thighs trembling on either side of his head. He groans softly into you, and chooses this moment to push down on your belly. 

You jolt your head up in surprise, grip tightening on his head. “Fuck, Robby that feels good.” 

He moans again in response, and thanks to your more upright position you catch his hips rolling into the mattress. Dutiful as ever, he continues applying pressure with his palm and doubles down with his tongue, pushing himself to go faster, harder, anything to feel you cum on his face. 

You’ve moved to be fully sitting up now, one hand behind you for support and the other firmly anchored in his hair. You grind your hips almost frantically, sweat beginning to collect on your face and neck, chasing an orgasm that is so close you can taste it. 

“Oh,” you huff out followed by a hum that borders on whiny, “I think ‘m getting close.” Your teeth grit around the words, body tensing up in its pursuit of pleasure. 

Robby opens his eyes to peer up at you. Your head has lolled back, eyes squeezed shut, your mouth now hangs open on a silent moan. Your clit has gotten more swollen than he thought it could and he can feel you getting wetter by the second, it’s practically dripping off his chin. You are so close, so nearly there. 

And yet… 

“Fuck,” you whine out, and not in a good way. Your hips stop their movement, thighs no longer shaking with pleasure. Robby slows his ministrations and watches as you flop onto your back once more, arms coming to rest over your face, pout evident on your lips.

With a grunt, he pulls himself up and crawls to lay beside you. 

“Sweetheart, can you look at me?” He places a hand on one of your arms, tugging gently to remove it, only to be met with firm resistance. 

“No.” 

“Please?” 

You let out a sigh and allow him to move your arms off of your face. He pulls the one between you into his chest, interlacing your fingers with his. 

Still refusing to look at him, you stare straight ahead at the ceiling. This close, Robby can see the tears of frustration welling up in your eyes. Your face is flushed, now from a mixture of embarrassment and exertion. 

When you remain silent and continue to avoid his gaze Robby prompts you further. 

“You’re okay, nothing to be embarrassed about,” his thumb rubs soothingly along the back of your hand, “All I want is to make you feel good, sweetheart. But, I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me about what's going on.” 

Your eyes close tightly, tears finally spilling over and running down your cheeks as you nod in agreement. After a moment you open them again and finally turn to face him. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper softly, eyes darting between his own. You elaborate a few moments later: “for not communicating.” 

“It’s okay, what’s important is we’re talking now. Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” you nod. 

Robby waits, prepared to begin asking you questions in a diagnostic manner if you don’t speak up, but is pleased when you begin without prodding. 

“I- uhm,” a pause, “It takes a lot for me to uh- finish, most of the time.” 

He hums in acknowledgment, scooting closer and pulling you into a quasi embrace, hand draped over your waist. 

“Can you tell me what ‘a lot’ looks like for you?” Your eyes meet his again, unsure. 

His voice is low, almost gravelly, “When you touch yourself, what do you like? How do you make yourself cum?”

He asks with genuine interest in learning how best to please you, but his manner of speaking makes you feel suddenly hot as your thighs squeezing together. Robby doesn’t miss it. 

“I use my fingers mostly… but I have a vibrator too that I like. Mostly it just takes a really long time.” 

“I need you to listen to me very carefully,” he waits for your nod of assent, “There is nothing I would rather do than take my time making you feel good.” 

Feeling at a loss for words, a small ‘okay’ escapes you. 

“Good. Now, how about we try again and you tell me what you need from me, and we’ll go for as long as you want to. I would happily go all night without getting off if it meant I got to see you cum for me.” 

A smile grows on his face as he speaks, the tone shifting from serious to playful once more. You mirror his energy, grinning as you respond, “That sounds really fucking nice.” 

-

Forty seven minutes later (after Robby had all but tackled you into the bed for a solid makeout sesh and used his mouth once more to warm you back up) you find yourself perched on his lap, cock snug inside you. Robby sits with his back against the headboard, hands on your hips to guide the steady rock of your hips into his own. You have a tight grip on one of his shoulders to steady yourself, and an even tighter grip on the vibrator that you had sheepishly produced from the bedside drawer. 

“Come on baby, you’re doing so good for me, take whatever you need,” he encourages, voice rough with his own pleasure. 

“Feels really good, Robby,” you moan, resting your forehead against his as your hips pick up speed. 

Robby rolls his own up to meet yours, feeling you start to clench around him periodically. 

“I know it does, can feel you gettin’ all tight on me,” he laughs and all you can do is moan weakly in response. “Turn up the vibrator, you can take it sweetheart.” 

He feels you almost shake your head no to his request, before giving in and increasing the speed. 

“Oh- oh shit,” the effect is instant, your cunt feels so wet and warm as it grips him somehow tighter. Robby can feel his control starting to slip, and despite his earlier promise he knows he won’t last forever like this. Oh shit indeed.

“Feel so good around me. Tell me what you need, baby. Please,” He begs. 

“Talk to me? Please, Robby ‘m so close, just wanna know I’m being good for you.” 

“I got you baby, we’ll get you there. Me and that vibrator,” you both laugh at his comment, but Robby doesn’t lose focus for a second, using his grip to maintain your rhythm. “You’re doing so good, keep riding me just like this.” 

Nodding, you can feel the tell tale signs of your orgasm starting to creep in. The relentless buzzing at your clit coupled with Robby’s assistance in rolling your hips back and forth have you barreling towards the edge. 

“Yeah, that’s it. Just let it happen baby you’re right there, gripping me so fucking tight.” 

Your movements start to grow erratic, hips beginning to lock up. 

Robby reaches down and places his thumb over yours where it rests on the “up” button. 

“Gonna look so pretty coming on my cock, such a good girl,” he presses his thumb down. 

It comes on fast and strong. Your core is tightening as your back curves, your hips go dead still and lift ever so slightly as you shake on top of him. “Robby, please,” it comes out as a pitiful whine, begging him for something, anything, even as your orgasm is ripping through you. 

“Fuck,” he grits out, hips slamming up into you, continuing to use his one hand to make sure the vibrator stays on your clit. 

Robby can feel you still clenching around him as his own orgasm overtakes him, and he rides it out for as long as he can, groaning out incoherent praises as his hips begin to slow. 

He’s brought back into reality when you whine frantically and at your joined hands holding the vibrator, suddenly oversensitive. Even without the stimulation, the aftershocks are powerful as you quake above him. He does his best to pull you back flush with his hips, tucking you into his chest as you ride it out. 

After several minutes of holding you in his lap, Robby helps you to the bathroom, only teasing you for how bad your legs shake once. Once you’ve both cleaned up, you wind up back in bed. 

“Thank you for that, I think you’ve ruined me for all other men.” You say it jokingly, but there’s nothing but truth behind the words. 

“The pleasure was all mine.” He kisses the top of your head where it rests on your chest. 

Just as you're drifting off to sleep you hear him mumble, “Do I need to be jealous of that vibrator?”

[livelaughloveluffy]

idk but I just feel like luffy, ace, sanji (obviously lol) zoro, and law would have a thing for plus size reader, who is sweet and naturally gets along with almost everyone but can also be a bit naive

plus size reader - monster trio, ace, law, and eustass

a/n: thank you so much for the request!!! it's definitely something that has fallen in my inbox before and i would love to write about it because i totally agree that these men would loveeeee plus size women 😌 (i'm 100% biased but shhhhhh lets not talk about that) i definitely took some creative liberty while writing this so i hopefully you enjoy!!

a/n: in typical fanfic writer fashion, i'm like actually so miserably sick right now, i have a really bad cough, my head hurts so bad, i feel super hot, and i can't even take cold medicine because of my antidepressants 😭😭😭 so if i start to not make sense, thats why 😭😭

nothing but fluff here 💗

---------------------------------------------------------------------

monkey d. luffy

-he's such a cuddly baby. luffy will 100% wrap his arms and legs around you, like a little koala, burying his face in the crook of your neck. he just wants all of you, all the time.

-the captain of the straw hats never ceases to amaze you with his strength as he often picks you up with such ease to either hold you close to him, with your legs wrapped around his waist, or to throw you over his shoulder, carrying you around the thousand sunny without a care in the world. luffy typically picks you up when he's extra excited to see you, needing to have you as close as possible. his grip on your body is always so tight, over his dead body would he ever let you fall.

-luffy refuses to believe that you don't see the beauty in yourself. his eyes widen in pure shock when he overhears you talking about your insecurities with nami. since that day, whenever you hear the captain talk about you, it's always with the phrase "the prettiest girl alive", with the widest smile on his face.

-he just can't help but constantly cover you with kisses. luffy is so proud to be able to have you, and he will happily shout from rooftops about his love for you, so shame about pda is absolutely nonexistent. it's a frequent occurrence for the captain to run up to you, smother you in kisses, and then run off to his other shenanigans.

roronoa zoro

_he's so proud to have you. when the two of you are together, he shows you off as if you're the shiniest trophy. his arm tightly intertwined with yours as the two of you hold hands walking the town of a new island. the green-haired boy always wants you as close to him as humanly possible, your bodies are always pressed next to each other, as if you were glued together, when side by side.

-zoro, who can pick you up with ease. when you are hugging him, he'll lift your feet off the ground, arms tight around your waist and spin you, only to then throw you over his shoulder like its nothing, taking you back to his bed. in a similar vein, he also often asks you to help him train, practically begging you to sit or lay on his back as he does hundreds of push-ups with ease. even if you try to protest and say you're too heavy, he'll scoff and pull you in for a tight hug. then picks you up and puts you on his back, making you cross your legs around his waist, and begin his training anyways.

-he's extra protective with you. especially when you two are exploring a new island, his hand is tightly gripping your waist as you walk side by side, and if you ever ask him why he'll turn to you and reply "just need to let everyone know you're mine." with the faintest hint of a growl in his voice. glares at anyone who dares to look your way for too long.

-the swordsman who is infatuated with your love handles. whenever you are just standing somewhere on the sunny, he'll come up behind you and grab your hips, pulling your body back into him. he'll rest his chin on your shoulder and when you ask him what he's doing he'll just reply with a simple "mmm, just missed you." drinking in the closeness of your presence.

black leg sanji

-the way this man is absolutely obsessed with curvier women. sanji constantly tells you how much of a goddess you are "mon amour, you're even more beautiful than aphrodite herself."

-the curly-browed blonde worships you and your body. when you are in only a bra and underwear in front of him, he takes his time to admire the absolute work of art you are. getting on his knees to stare up at you, placing his hands one on each of your thighs, working his way up to your stomach and hips, kissing along where his hands had just been. this becomes a ritual for him. he absolutely refuses to do anything more serious before getting to take his time adoring and worshipping you.

-sanji is constantly reminding you of how beautiful you are. he's saying it loudly, whispering it in your ear, and everything in between. you hear compliments from him a minimum of 100 times a day, and with the way his eyes widen and sparkle, you can tell how much he truly means it.

-he's genuinely heartbroken if he every found out that you didn't like your body or if you feel a bit insecure. sanji's eyes suddenly well up with tears as he explains that it hurts him to the core that you would see yourself so completely opposite to the way he sees you, "you're utterly ethereal, mon cheri. a work of art too perfect for this world." and he'll do anything to prove how much he means it. he'll leave gentle and delicate kisses all over your body and skin for hours, murmuring praises under his breath the entire time.

portgas d. ace

-ace was absolutely loud and proud about how attractive he found you from the very first time he laid his eyes on you. his gravely voice could be heard shouting across the moby dick "lookin' good, gorgeous." with the widest smile.

-the freckled boy will slide his hands up under your shirt, gently moving them up and down your hips and torso. ace has a carnal need to feel your skin, and there's nothing he loves more than getting to rest his hands on your stomach, whispering sweet nothings in your ear and leaving kisses down your neck as he does so.

-he loves to grab your ass. at first, ace tried to be subtle about it, starting by resting his hand on the smalls of your back, and slowly letting it fall lower until he reached your ass, and waiting a little bit before giving it a gentle squeeze. but as time progressed, he got more bold and unabashed about this form of pda, he's totally unbothered by the stares of the other crewmembers of the whitebeard pirates, returning their looks with the smuggest smile you've ever seen.

-ace will never let you forget how stunning you are. whenever he gets the chance, he'll be whispering in your ear about how gorgeous you are, how he's never seen anyone as beautiful as you, how he's so lucky to have you, and many other similar sentiments.

trafalgar water d. law

-like luffy, law is a lot more cuddly with you. often teleporting to stand right behind you, wrapping his arms around the center of your torso, pulling you close into him, his voice whispering in your ear "hi, beautiful." he always has a hand on you, whether it's on your thigh, your back, intertwined with your own hand, he simply can't resist you. the cruelest form of torture to the captain is not being able to touch you.

-praise galore. the captain is always finding subtle ways to praise you, trying to casually slip his compliments in during conversations. law often address you as "beautiful" or "my pretty girl", making it rare to hear your name slip from the law's lips.

-law is also extremely protective over you. his sharp eyes and stinging glare shoots at anyone who looks at you in a way he doesn't agree with. his hand holding onto your waist, pulling you close into him, with your head resting against his shoulder is law's ideal way to walk side by side with you.

eustass captain kid

-he's soooo loud about how attractive he finds you. it's an every day occurrence for you to hear the red-haired captain shout "oi, hot stuff, come bring your fine ass over here!" across the deck of the victoria punk. it's more common for kid to call you "hot stuff" or "doll" than it is for him to use your actual name, to the point that when you hear the captain using your name rather than a pet name, you genuinely think you're in trouble.

-eustass is so touchy. he literally cannot get enough of you, his large metal hand is always grabbing your ass or your hip, with his other hand running all over the side of your body. he's also not above leaving red lipstick stains all over your neck (and chest if you're wearing a top with a lower neckline). he leaves zero room for anyone to question who you're with.

-kid is obsessed with throwing you around, he's constantly picking you up and carrying you around the victoria punk. he'll put you up on his shoulders, loving the way your thighs squeeze around his head. throwing you over his shoulder, metal hand on your ass to make sure you don't slip. holding you by your waist with your legs wrapped around his. it's rare for you to be with eustass and for him to not be carrying you, its like second nature to him. and this man gets so fussy if you want to be put down. softly growling in your ear "make me.." while tightening his grip on you, refusing you to wiggle free from his grasp.

-the red-haired captain is genuinely angry if he hears you, or anyone else, talk poorly about you. nothing pisses him off faster than hearing untrue statements about the love of his life. the piercing glare he'll shoot your way if you start to talk down to yourself could kill. eustass will pull you close to him, whispering in your ear, the slightest hint of a growl in his gruff voice as he says "let me show you just how beautiful you are."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

tags ♡: @3v37773 @twiishaa @dindjarins1ut @thepotatocatto @peachycat17 @irethepotato @dreamcastgirl99; want to join the taglist? click here!

a/n: i really struggled finishing this because it's lowkey hard to think straight with my head pounding but you'll have to pry my laptop out of my cold dead hands if you think i'm going to let being sick stop me from writing some fanfic 😌

a/n: also sorry for cutting law's part a little short, i literally can't look at my computer any longer 💀

a/n: enjoyed this fic? here's my masterlist!!

[fastafeijoa]

Headcanons on Harley! And a lil sketch too

•Extremely self-condident. Absolutely sure whatever goes wrong with experiments isn't his fault. It's not necessarily someone else's fault either, it could be just a natural part of progress.

•British, moved to the US with his parents when he was little. They had sort of a small British community there so he didn't pick up American pronunciation.

•Asexual Also believes romance is like a "low quality drug for the soft, spineless people who seek only primitive pleasure and have no idea of their place in life". But! If he grew up a little less love-deprived, he'd be homoromantic. Dude likes men. Specifically, just one man. In several AUs with my wife he's in very close, warm platonic relationship with her version of Sawyer. This is the perfect fit for him, literally like a part of himself he was missing.

•Wasn't satisfied with his looks until his early 50s. Sawyer likes long hair on other people and himself but in middle school he got bullied into wearing a short haircut and used to have his hair cut even shorter before starting his work at Playtime Co, not really paying attention to his looks anymore. At the factory though he felt like things were going to change for the better and allowed himself some self-indulgence, letting his hair grow out a little bit. That, along with him gaining weight (which he liked, starting to see himself as beautifully imposing), made him finally pay attention to his looks and consider himself handsome.

•Can lock in and work on something without a single break for hours, often without even changing his position. Him being a surgeon has helped develop this skill a lot. Sometimes he'll even forget he's allowed to, say, scratch his nose, like if he's performing a surgery. Gets immensely overloaded in this state and if anyone bothers him at this time they're a dead person. •Yep he's autistic.

•Used to be genuinely disgusted with tenderness. Like, genuinely. At first when Yarnaby would try to cuddle up to him, lick his hands or just headbump him he felt pathetic and gross and was quick to push him away. Overtime, however, as he realised his mental health could use a little boost and a pet is a good tool for that, he became less disgusted and even started to secretly enjoy it when Yarnaby showed affection towards him.

•Uses cane due to chronic arthritis. It's not always bad so sometimes he doesn't need the cane and walks around carrying it like if about to beat up someone. And sometimes he'll lean on it when he's tired from standing. Also there's a knife hidden in the cane, just in case.

•Visits the local flee market from time to time. Usually just to philosophize and not to buy things: dude's got an inner poet in him and enjoys to dress his life in metaphor while looking at old toys and trinkets. But on occasion he will actually buy something: he got his cane at the flee market.

•6'2 ft tall. Quite menacing.

•Is somewhat paranoid. Definitely has OCD. Won't trust his mental health to anyone but himself though (handles it poorly) and is afraid of taking any kind of sedatives or antidepressants because they "might mess with his unique mind". Ofc he's perfectly aware that can't happen, it's just a hello from his OCD. Yeah, he also won't trust OCD meds because of OCD.

•Had tough childhood with mother who didn't care and father who was overly possessive (hm I sure wonder if Harley inherited that….. hm………)

•Has been feeling so much better than before in his life since the start of the Bigger Bodies Initiative. At times he might be miserable, grumpy, tired or unable to handle his temper, but his project gives him a lot of drive and motivation and quite often he's seen walking around genuinely excited, with a slight sinister grin and proudly straightened back. Among tortured children, scared and exhausted workers and products of brutal experiments he shines with grim joy. This, all of this, is everything he ever wanted.

[thistlecatfics]

Talking about Incest in Public

(both the painful traumatic kind and the hot fictional kind)

As it turns out, lots of the people who read and write taboo fiction have survived some deeply fucked up shit. After talking about incest with other survivors on the Moon, Sun & Stars discord and answering questions, I decided to share more about my experiences and the things that helped me survive and the things that helped me heal, because there are a lot of us, and a lot of us feel very alone, and maybe there are other people who aren’t incest survivors but who might want to know more to better support the survivors in their life.  

–

Incest is not just a sexual act between two family members -- it's a larger system of absence of boundaries within a family, and it's almost always part of multiple incestuous dynamics, even if only one might be the obvious or explicit dynamic. 

If you’re an incest survivor, you’re almost certainly not the only one in your family. 

-

“The true characteristics and dimensions of incestuous abuse have been masked by the taboo and silence that have surrounded its occurrence. Recent research demonstrates that incest occurs regularly in our society, perpetrated by individuals who, for the most part, would otherwise be regarded as fairly normal. The taboo on incestuous relations is a deterrent to some would-be perpetrators but not to others. The taboo contradicts the reality of incest prevalence, a fact which led Armstrong (1978) to comment that th taboo has been on the open discussion of incest and not on its perpetration.”

-Christine Courtois, “Healing the Incest Wound: Adult Survivors in Therapy” 

–

To use my family as an example - 

My (similarly aged) brother did sexual things to me as a kid, and I had a range of reactions to it including pleasure and enjoyment. And confusion. And fear. I do not think he is bad or even what he did was bad. I think we were both two kids who existed in a family with incestuous dynamics, and we were both shaped by those dynamics and trying our best to survive. 

From a young age, I existed as a physical comfort object to my mom (when she was sad she'd get into my bed to hold me until she felt better while I dissociated), and I took on the idea that my role in the family was for my body to be used to make other people feel good. The sexual behavior by my brother felt like an extension of how my mom held me. 

My mother was the victim of incest from her uncle, and her parents sided with her uncle over her when she spoke out about it (even after he was facing legal consequences for his behavior with kids outside of the family) (even after he fled the country). She didn't know how to emotionally regulate herself, and I don't think she had (or has) the capacity to understand a child's need for physical autonomy and boundaries because her own were never respected. 

There were other incestuous behaviors and dynamics within my family which I'm continuously discovering and unpacking. I think my mom’s uncle abused my grandmother too but I’ll never know for sure. It’s deeply uncomfortable to look back on a happy family story or a childhood nickname and see something sinister underneath and wonder if you’re being paranoid or if it’s actually that bad.  

–

Things that have helped: 

Long term relational therapy (5+ years). EMDR. Adopting a cat. Adopting more cats. Antidepressants. Reading about incest (realistic, terrifying, academic). Reading about incest (fictional, hot, amateur). Being a competitive athlete. Getting a graduate degree. Going on long walks late at night. Telling my family I had Covid so I could skip a family vacation. 

These books specifically: Healing the Incest Wound by Christine Courtois, The Myth of Normal, Dissociation Made Simple, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, The Narcissistic Family Unit, Clementine Morrigan’s writing x1000. 

The protector parts: Eating disorder. Self harm. Drinking. Perfectionism. Depression. Suicidal ideation. I’m grateful to these imperfect protectors I’ve leaned on over the years. 

Things that have not helped: 

You will be shocked to hear that people on the internet yelling about how people who find fictional incest hot are disgusting and bad and dangerous did NOT in fact help me unlearn the belief that experiencing incest made me disgusting and bad and dangerous. Luckily, I’m built of spite. But it certainly did not help. 

(If I think about my vulnerable pre-teen/teen self reading those things, I become deeply angry. How dare you hurt her in the name of protection.)

- I don’t cater to all these vipers Dressed in empath’s clothing God save the most judgmental creeps Who say they want what’s best for me Sanctimoniously performing soliloquies I’ll never see

-Taylor Swift, But Daddy I Love Him

-

After I discovered fanfiction in middle school, and then after I realized that there was a world beyond OFC/Draco Malfoy fic, I read a lot of Blackcest. I devoured any I could find, hopping through rec lists on LiveJournal. 

Reading Blackcest fics, first Bellatrix/Sirius then Sirius/Regulus mostly, allowed me to see my experiences reflected. Those fics gave me a way to contextualize my family and my role in it. I hate the expectation that kids who experience bad things should go to a safe trusted adult rather than find art that romanticizes their experience. The whole point is that there isn’t a safe trusted adult. The whole point is that I needed the art. I got to hold the romanticized narrative until I got far enough away that I could put it away in a box until I had enough therapy that I could safely open the box and build a new, more honest story. 

Obviously plenty of people love incest smut and fic and art. It’s taboo! It’s angsty! It’s a classic! Probably most of those people don’t have direct personal experience with incest in their families. I’m glad they read and write fics too. 

But for me – have you ever experienced something you believe so strongly you will never be able to say aloud? That any time you see your secret referenced it’s in shock and disgust and revulsion? You can pretend – you’re very good at pretending – but you know it’s real, and you know it’s your secret you’ll hold onto for the rest of your life while the world reminds you how disgusting you are? 

Then you find that people are writing about what you experienced in a thousand variations that all contain some nugget of your truth.

I cannot express in words how important it was that I found those stories at that time. 

I never commented on a single fic. I never made a single account on any of the sites I read fanfiction on. I clicked the “yes I’m 18” box without hesitation every time. I wish I could go back in time and have my adult self articulate the enormity of my gratitude for each and every author who helped save me whose work exists on sites I can only revisit with the Wayback Machine. 

I understand why people might feel horrified at the idea of a 11-12 year old reading smutty incest Harry Potter fanfic. People aren’t wrong for feeling that way. 

That said, I truly don’t care what people who aren’t incest survivors think.

I’m so proud of that child for finding a way to survive. She might have hated herself, might have fantasized about death, but she survived and kept the truth of her experience wrapped up in a fictional world where it could be safe to explore and kept it there until years and years of therapy made it possible to engage with it in reality. 

- I’m a real tough kid I can handle my shit They said, babe, you got to fake it till you make it And I did

-Taylor Swift, I Can Do It With a Broken Heart -

No one is writing about incest the way Clementine Morrigan is right now. I’m so grateful for her. I’m not sure this little tumblr post would exist without her essay series. 

"Incest functions as a spell of unreality. A structure of nothingness. A completely normal and unremarkable family life in which something unnameable is ominously and terrifyingly wrong. You know in the summer when you can see the heat making the air go squiggly? Imagine those squiggles as an indication that in the seeming nothingness, there is something there. Incest is like that. Subtle, pervasive, unthinkable, unnameable. But present, felt.

As a teenager I came up with this metaphor: Imagine you are in a house full of bugs. There are bugs crawling all over all the walls and all the furniture and in your food and even on the fork you are lifting to your mouth. And you feel disgusted, you feel like something is really wrong. But your whole family is acting completely normal, laughing and eating and talking as bugs crawl over their faces and into their mouths. When you tell them you think there are bugs in your food your family says it’s just pepper and not to worry about it.

There is no way to talk about incest without feeling that you are lying. This is because incest lives in the realm of unreality and everything in the realm of unreality cannot be thought or said or named. When you speak of things that happen in the realm of unreality it will always feel like a lie and be treated like a lie. You are breaking the fundamental rule. You are not allowed to talk about what goes on in the realm of unreality because it isn’t real."

Read more and pay for her writing if you can on her substack.

-

Without a doubt, the not-explicitly-sexual incest from my mom fucked me up more than the explicitly sexual incest from my brother, but I only feel confident claiming the incest survivor label because sexual stuff was done to me by a family member, and I still feel like I’m lying sometimes because it wasn't bad enough to count. 

I’m a literal mental health clinician who can map out various incestuous dynamics within my family and who has clear memories of a family member doing sexual stuff to my child body, and I still feel like I’m lying. 

I believe you if you feel like a liar because I bet you do. I believe you if the incest never included anything directly physical. I believe you if you enjoyed it. I believe you if you don’t remember but feel like it’s true. 

I love us. 

If we’re monsters, I love our courageous monstrosity.

If we’re liars, I love the way we make up stories to survive when reality is impossible. 

If we’re an uncomfortable truth, good. 

-

It still impacts me. I’m not over it. 

It’s very difficult for me to imagine love that does not include violation. To be loved and to be allowed to maintain a self. 

But I’m open to learning otherwise, and that openness is new. 

-

I was so, so good at living in unreality. I could make myself perfect, such a flawless object until I couldn’t think of anything except killing myself, but even then I still maintained the image of perfection my family expected. 

It’s cool I never actually killed myself. 

I find it hard to be around my family now. There are advantages of living in unreality. I drink a lot more when I’m around my family than I ever did before, but I don’t think about killing myself nearly as much. Reality is worth it. Being able to exist as a person is worth it. 

- I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.

-Sylvia Plath

- I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. (I insist.)

It didn’t kill me then. It’s not going to kill me now. (I remind myself.) 

My life is worth living, and there are fights worth fighting, and it is undeniably true the world is full of horror, but it is good to write and create and be alive, and it is good to try. I’m a little afraid to post this, but the fear and shame isn’t mine to hold, and I never should have been the one holding it. 

Consider this a thank you note sent out to the universe in the hopes the sentiment echoes towards those authors who saved me then and to all the writers who are saving people now. Your art matters. No matter how weird or niche or dismissed or hated it is. It matters. 

Thank you.

[sulumuns-dootah]

Can u do Satan and maybe even some of the Niflheim demons with an MC who suffers with depression please?

WHB demons w/ depressed reader

⟡ Masterlist ⟡

A/N: Not to be the one self-advertising, buut... Some time back I posted this comfort post w even more (and some of these) characters! ^^ So you can technically read that as part 2 of this :3

Characters: Satan, Belphegor, Beleth, Gusion, Agares

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Satan, having depressions himself, knows exactly how to approach you and what to do when you need some

Though, if you both happen to have an episode at the same time, the country as if stops

So all Gehenna nobles kinda always try to keep both of you happy so neither of you have to feel bad

This will probably work only about half of the time, but it's the thought that counts

Oh and Satan enstates a mandatory therapy hour at the end of each day where you talk, fight, scream or whatever else you need to do to be okay

       ༺☆༻

As much asleep as Belphie is, he will actually be the first one from his nobles to notice something's off when you're having an episode

For his nobles it is natural that they get tired thanks to his energy, but with you, he feels like it's something else

So he'll actually force himself to stay awake to talk to you

He can't really help much, but if you're having nightmares while staying the night with him, he'll use his powers to change them into nice dreams

Also it's safe to say that his bed is available for you to escape reality at anytime

       ༺☆༻

After Belphie notices, Beleth takes little to no time to catch on too

He'll let you stay in his king's bed, but hell also tend to you like he does to his king

(Actually, I wrote about this in that comfort post ^^)

You might think that he would be a bit annoyed to now have double the work load, but it's the opposite, actually

I hc Beleth's love language to be acts of service so this is something that makes him fullfilled to the max

Also there's this kinda dark pleasure from having you be fully reliant on him during that time

       ༺☆༻

Good boy Gusion tries to solve everything like a math problem

So he'll bury himself in psychology books to figure out what is wrong with your brain until he's found the answer

And he won't take on any other task until he's sure you're okay, which in turn makes other demons wonder whether he is okay

I don't really think they would medicate mental illnesses, so sadly, Gus Gus will have to go to the human world to get some antidepressives for you

And there will most likely be some demons who would question his decision

Once he's back, he'll probably learn that your episode is over and that his trip was for nothing, but hey, at least he has them for the next time

       ༺☆༻

(Might be ooc bc I missed his event due to school T.T)

Agares won't really notice

To him, your change in behavior is you simply getting used to the boredom of your place next to him

It's okay, that's nromal when you have everything you've ever wished for

And if there's really something going on, Vassago is your servant for a reson

When your episode is over, he will notice how you bounced back to yourself, but won't really ask

[dystopyx-blog]

Bro I think so hard about being in TWST without meds but specifically with Floyd. The way he just, doesn't care. You're tired? Awww how sad, he wants to play with his favorite shrimpy. You think he doesn't care at all until you hurt yourself and suddenly he's shackled to your side.

I just got like brain blasted by the SH post due to my own spiraling and like tjis idea alone has given me so much comfort

bro Floyd comfort…. I mean he is literally a comfort character for me, if it isn’t obvious lol. I’m really really glad I could give you some comfort! Genuinely, that gives ME comfort. Especially since my yandere twst posts are also meant to give me comfort, so the fact they do the same for others warms my heart.

It’s so surprising the first time Floyd comforts you. He approaches you, going “hey hey hey, what’s the matter with shrimpy? :(“ and you try to tell him it’s nothing. “Ain’t nothin’ if it got shrimpy sad. Tell me what’s wrong.” And to your surprise he sits and listens. And he’s a good listener, at least for you in that specific moment. He doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t make fun of you, he sits there and hums to let you know he’s listening. You find yourself spilling everything to him, it’s surprisingly easy to. Maybe you shouldn’t have, maybe he’ll just use it all against you in the future, who fucking cares, this is what you need right now. For a second you wonder if this is actually Jade using Shock the Heart on you somehow. But no, it’s Floyd. A seemingly very out of character Floyd? After pouring your heart out to him, he hits you with a sympathetic stare. “Damn, shrimpy,” he says, “that really sucks…”

Then he gets up and you assume, that’s it, he’s gonna leave me here now. But he offers you a hand and a grin. “C’mon Shrimpy, I’m gonna cheer you up.” ‘And he will try his damndest to do just that, taking you all over campus to find something to lift your spirits. But really, the very process of hanging out with him and watching him try to find something to do with you is enough to have you smiling. You end up in the Mostro Lounge, Floyd promising to get ya whatever you want. Unfortunately, Jade is the one to take your order, which means, of course, you’re subject to his needling. But then Floyd shoos him away. And later, when Azul himself appears at your table, hoping to get his suckers on useful information, Floyd glares at him and tells him to leave you alone. “Great Seven, why can’t anyone just leave us alone? Cant they see I’m tryna spend time with my shrimpy?” And maybe you don’t realize it at the time, still so caught off guard from what seemed to be a total flip in personality, but he meant it when he called you his shrimpy. If you were anyone else, he wouldn’t have given a fuck, it’s only because you were you that Floyd was at all invested in your feelings. Cuz everything about his shrimpy is interesting and entertaining. That’s why they’re his. You notice Floyd hangs out with you a lot more after that, stuck to your side like glue. He’s awful for ADD considering his sudden swings in mood. You get distracted, but it’s even worse with him because once he’s in the mood to do something he just does it. So you’ll be trying to focus on work, and he’ll be there because he’s basically always with you at this point, and he suddenly decides you two have to go do this random thing right now. It’s the same when you’re in depressions, too, he’ll drag you along. It’s surprisingly helpful, though. It’s hard to be bored with Floyd, which makes sense considering how much he hates being bored. So even without your antidepressants… well, at least you have Floyd Leech??

[thatcryptidinthesea]

So I've been thinking way too hard about the ISAT role!swap aus by @anxiousapplepie (hi! hope you don't mind the tag :]), especially the Housemaiden!Siffrin AU, and I was planning to draw fanart with my ideas but my university assignments have been looming over me *head in hands*. So in the mean time here's all my thoughts rambled out onto paper so maybe they'll stop haunting me while I'm trying to do work.

Starting with some HCs:

• Having depression is an inherently Siffrin trait, the different Sifs just deal with it differently. HM!Sif was able to get access to antidepressants due to being in the House of Dormont, but wasn't able to take them with him when he had to flee from the King's curse. So like OG!Mira, they had to go through their journey unmedicated. Isabeu and Odile's ractions to finding this out was something like

• All Miras are medicated for their anxiety, and most of them were able to have access to their meds throughout their journeys (OG!Mira and T!Mira I'm so sorry but you had to do it scared). F!Mira made double sure she brought her's knowing HM!Siffrin didn't have their's.

• Once T!Bonnie started warming up to and trusting the party, they'd hide behind the others' legs when they didn't want to be seen. Hiding behind Siffrin had the added bonus of being able to hide under his cape.

• When T!Bonnie has had a particularly rough night, they'll go sleep next to Siffrin because they know Sif WILL end up cuddling them in his sleep and it makes them feel safe. <- I imagine a lot of their sibling relationship was built on Bonnie going to Sif and just silently clinging and Sif just letting them and not forcing them to talk.

• C!Odile is the best fusion cook ever. This woman can take any two cuisines and mix them together flawlessly. Even things that arguably should never go together.

Ok now for a character ramble under the cut because Housemaiden!Siffrin is that one character I want to put under the microscope like a beetle. Argh. The angst of being the Universe's walking talking religious contradiction...

There's so much potential for HM!Siffrin's inner struggle with the Change belief. For one thing he doesn't really get to choose how he Changes much, he doesn't really have control over it. You can't decide how you'll be a different person if you have no idea who you originally were. Yet the Change belief has this whole thing about choosing to Change yourself and choosing to leave your past self behind. Can you imagine being Siffrin and being told you have to decide to be a completely different person when the only info you have about yourself are the clothes on your back, your accent and a love for malanga fritters? Meanwhile everyone else can choose to Change however they like because they know who they are and how they can be different, and they get to choose to get rid of the mementos of their past because they still ultimately have the memories if they ever want to go back for whatever reason.

And the fact Sif can't really choose to Change kinda shows in the ways he does decide to change because they're all physical changes. They recut their cloak into a cape, they dyed their hair and then let it regrow, they trade weapons or headgear with Mira. Those are all things that he can actually control, and thus can actually make choices about.

Which also makes me think about how he got the "worst/laziest Housemaiden ever" title. It probably felt to any outside perspective who knew the Change belief that Siffrin wasn't putting in any effort to Change and was instead skirting around the rules by just physically changing. So people started to say he's lazy and not following the belief right, and because Siffrin didn't have an identity he internalised being the Worst Housemaiden Ever as his identity and kind of stopped trying because why bother? Which SUCKS because can you imagine losing literally everything about your home/culture/language/family and then trying to make a new home and identity with another community only to be told by that community "hey you're terrible at this actually"? That's awful. Siffrin can probably never really feel truly, confidently part of the Change belief because they were alienated from it from the start.

And then to finally top it all off when Euphrasie chose him to save Vaugarde it's likely no one believed that Sif was the saviour because he's known across the Houses as the Worst Housemaiden Ever, why would the Head Housemaiden of Dormont choose him?!? Which probably only cranked up Sif's self-esteem issues because they'd also think Euphrasie could've picked better.

So yeah *head in hands* Housemaiden!Siffrin feels like a character locked in a constant feedback loop of "can't be part of the community despite their efforts because the system is inherently flawed for them" and "doesn't bother trying so the community disregards them".

[cultofcola]

okay so im aware youre veeeeery probably going to answer this with “youre not persisting” which. fine. but i think its still worth giving a shot because im losing my mind and youre the only shiftblog i understand: ive been affirming and persisting in the past few weeks right? and i dont mean listening to subliminals or robotically affirming (i relate these things with slow results ......... yes ik the true power resides inside me but im still working on my self concept) but just. saying every now and then “im in my dr, i alr shifted to my dr, im living in my dr” and so on. and i would wake up here in my cr be like “oh wow i just came back from my dr thats so amazing!” just to convince my brain right? but the thing is that its been a hooooooot minute and im slowly starting to be more and more frustrated. im deadass when i tell u i havent been wavering for more than three weeks, just persisting and keeping the vibes high, and yet im still here. ik that writing and sending this whole thing could make me go back to square one but i just dgaf if i have to do it all again as long as i get some kind of advice because i really, really, really, really need to shift. i wont mention them because these are personal things, and i apologize if you feel like im guilt tripping you because these arent my intentions—i only say this because i need you to understand my desperation; there are many horrible, awful things going in my life rn and ive been living with hope thanks to the idea of shifting and shiftblr in general, and for that i thank everyone, but i might need one more push to keep going.

thank u for answering if u ever do.

you probably already heard about the housewives of the 50s, but i’m still going to use them as an example. to others and in magazines and ads, all they showed was a perfect life. something that inspired young girls to be. they were happy and loved taking care of the house. the 'don't worry darling' (if it was a good movie) kind of uncanny lifestyle. but, in reality, half of them were talking antidepressants. the fake positivity was taking them nowhere.

now, think about this in relation with what you are going through it. you are persisting (so you were wrong, i won't tell you to do this wink wink) but, you are persisting with the law of attraction.

law of attraction: positive thoughts bring positive results into your life, while negative thoughts bring negative results. that's the generic. i see nothing wrong with it (debatable) buuuuut, how about you convince yourself instead of your brain? how about you truly believe what you are persisting? like, fake positivity will only bring a crashout. which sometimes is okay because it can make you understand a few things about yourself. but not the point here. "just persisting and keeping the vibes high" is not law of assumption.

you don't have to affirm every morning, listen to subliminals, keep the vibes high. telling yourself "oh i just came from my dr ahahaha!" is helping you or you are doing it because that's what you think you are supposed to do? are you treating shifting like a performance?

"and yet im still here" and that’s the thing. this is the root of everything. the whole point. once you decide where you at, it’s over. like. over. you are not trying to convince your brain, you are not asking the universe or god or yourself to let you shift. it's not hoping, it's not positivity, it's not a contract you sign and then regret later. you are not skipping the terms & conductions, you are the one making them. you are the one writing the contract. you are the supervillain of the movie that smirks while looking at the camera because you are four steps ahead.

but don't twist my words: i am not saying that what you are doing it's wrong. someone persisting??? we love to see it.

but ….. reality obeys to you, you don't obey to it. you didn't come back from your dr, you never left that reality in the first place. everytime you think you are actually here you are accidentally biting your tongue, and not in a "oh be positive!" way, in a ….. the chosen one just found a way to burn your contract and now the horcruxes you created are fighting against you. like, you get what i mean ?????? being frustrated, mad, crashing out, all those are valid feelings and im not saying to you that you shouldn't feel them, but i am saying to not let them dictate you.

[toyaslove]

HIII!!

I’m glad I can FINALLY request anything😭

Many writers have closed requests and there was no hurt -> comfort content of PJSK chars. Soooo… I’ll ask something

May I request for Toya and Akito (separate) with a depressed!gn!reader? Like the reader tries to commit suicide but Akito/Toya stops them?

Pretty pls~

A/N: HIIII SO OMG I LOVE UR REQ mainly cuz i already tried that 4 times lol... btw, there IS hurt to comfort pjsk fics, u just gotta search ^^ (I read all Toya fics around tumblr and there are some hurt to comfort :P) SOOO tysm for ur req I love it

Tw!!!!: Suicide, self-harm, cursing, ANGST

Pls look at the tw... (double checking)

Toya Aoyagi & Akito Shinonome (separately) x GN!Reader

Tags: Come get your summer pancake ginger:~ @mccnstruck , @maxident-xx , @miya-akane , @sentientsoil , @akitosheart

Come get your winter coffee addicted~ @sentientsoil , @miya-akane , @akitosheart

S-icide attempt

Writing style: story

(Again, check the tw's)

秋–くん🔥

It was late at night. Everything was spinning. You couldn't feel nothing, but despair, angst, sadness. Actually, did you feel anything? Was there anything in your heart right now? You couldn't cry, you couldn't feel anything. You were doped of medications, such as antidepressants, to not have these stupid thoughts, but whatever they were trying to do, they weren't working. Maybe if you went to a psychiatrist they would double your dose, wouldn't they? You thought of this. But... what if you don't need to spend more money on these? What if... you disappeared. Just. Did it. Why feel more pain? Why make your friends suffer while you're alive? It will be quick... Of course, everyone would be sad with your absence, but it would be less than a life-time, such as you bothering all of them daily... it will be less painful for both sides, won't it?

With this thought, your wrists dripping a red tone liquid, you look down your feet. You're on the 12th floor of a building, you look down with fear, cars and vehicles are passing in the road, but it won't stop you. You're shaking...

Then, the only thing you see is darkness. You close your eyes and you're ready to give a step forward, putting one foot on the air. You flinch when you hear a voice coming from behind you, a despaired and panting voice.

"What the actual fuck are you doing?!" – A familiar voice screams, a ginger figure appears in the rooftop, making you fall behind and gasp. The person was holding a messy piece of paper, the sight is familiar, your suicide letter.

"Are you crazy?! You know you could have died there!!!" – Akito speaks in despair and anger. He looks at you with a painful and worried expression, with a bit of rage. He sits in front of you, taking both of your hands in his.

"I... I just didn't want to... bother you anymore. All of you. I'm sorry" You speak in pain, you break down in tears. Akito, as he sees you in that state, frowns more, but his rage disappears. The only thing he does is wrapping his arms around you, as tight as he can, as if you were about to vanish (well somewhat you were (IM SORRY)

He's not really good at words, so he demonstrates his affection that way. But... maybe today he'll open an exception...

"Dang it... never do that anymore... never again. I don't want to lose you, please... I love you way too much for that to happen."

Akito speaks in the most caring tone he could. You have never seen him this affectionate, around anyone. Never ever. You can hear muffled and quiet whines coming from Akito while you hug him.

"If... if it will make you that way, I won't try it again..."

In the end, Akito didn't leave you for the whole night, focing you to accept him at your place... he can't handle you wanting to do this.

冬弥♥︎ (俺の彼氏) ❄️

You couldn't handle it. Everything was so tough. Everything. You couldn't breathe, it was hard. How are you going to do it with so much pressure? So much stress? You feel unlovable, you feel empty. Who would care if you died? I mean... they would cry for a while, but... later they would forget you. They always do, don't they? Your friends, family, people you care for... they all have a first place, and it was not you. You're just alive to bother, you're just letting people down, your presence was a nuisance, everyone only invited you to go out out of pure obligation. They didn't care at all. So, why would you keep being a weight to them? A pain on the ass? You feel so stupid, so helpless, so miserable. Everything is going wrong to you in your life, you see no future... so, why move forward to suffer more when you could just end it all? The pain would go away, your friends and known people would be happy after a while in the end... it would be less weight to you and to everyone else.

You keep thinking and thinking, all of this. Everything. Everything was so awful. You look at the train rail, waiting for it to come. You see a soft light at the end of the tunnel, it was arriving... you position yourself in the rail, close your eyes and wait. It will be quick, you thought to yourself.

It was arriving... it was closer and closer... your heart was beating fast out of fear and anxiety, but you knew it's going to be ok. Everything... Everything...

Seconds before the train passed in the rail where you were sitting, you felt a strong grip on your wrist, pulling you out of the rails. You could feel the drift from the train passing behind you. You open your eyes, to find a sight of a split-haired boy, looking at you with tears in his eyes, panting.

"W-what were you trying to do..." he speaks with his voice shaking and stuttering. The known sight of Toya, but different... you have never seen him this sad, this despaired, this scared... His eyes were watery, and his cheeks were also wet. He grips onto you and hugs you as tight as he can. You can feel his body shaking. Tears start to form in your eyes when you realise what's going on around you... Toya... what you tried to do... everything... he was holding your suicide letter tightly.

"What... what did you mean by... 'I won't be a bother anymore. It will be one less weight to your life'... What... what made you think that? You were never a weight, never. Did I do something for you to think that way?" – Toya speaks pulling away slightly from the hug, tears roll down his cheeks, he holds both of your hands tightly.

You shake your head, you speak quietly and painfully "I couldn't handle life anymore... I'm sorry... you haven't done anything wrong. It's just me... I think the meds weren't making effect, or my depression just got worse-"

Toya puts a finger in your mouth, he looks at you with empathy and pure care

"You don't have to apologise or explain yourself... just, promise you won't try this again... or this..." – Toya speaks, he takes your wrist in his hand, showing your scars, some of them fresh and some of them old.

"I care about you deeply... I don't want to lose you. I don't... I love you way too much to let you go"

He holds both of your hands tightly, as if you were to vanish within seconds. He wraps his arms around your waist and strokes your backs back and forth, a soothing and gentle motion.

"If... if that's the case... I'll try my best to also show you how much I care about you"

Toya, after that, will try his best to take smiles from you. Whatever if it's giving you gifts, hugging you, using words of affirmation, or making silly jokes, he will try his best. He also bakes a lot for you, your favourite things (and they're really, really good. Toya always think so much about you, he does his best to bake the best desserts and cook the best food for you ♥︎)

Later on that night, Toya brought you to your place and you two stayed in, playing games or doing anything that would make you happy and enjoy yourself. He will ask you if you two can cuddle, he would always ask if he could touch you in any situation~

Always remember... Akito and Toya will always be there to love you and care about you <3

They would never let something like this happen to you, you're too precious to them

Always have this in mind <3 stay safe

A/N: HELP ME I'm sorry if this got a bit too... uhhh... personal... cuz like I started adding some reasons to the reader's attempt of suicide, I had to think of smt and i ended up putting some of my feelings 😭 i hope u like it, stay safe guys <3 ty for sending me reqs and for the last 121 notes :P

[dreamsofbroflovski]

Okay one, when Butters is super horny and it's just you two he'll hump your leg without realizing it and two can we have HCS of the main 4 + Butters with a reader that doesn't finish easily cuz they're on antidepressants? U don't gotta go into detail but it's a similar thing that I struggle with :3/nf

- 🐣 anon

 #1 - ABSOLUTELY. In your sleep too...

 #2 - Here it is! Hope I did it justice. I might've been a bit too honest about how I see these people. was it made clear i have a favourite? no?

Also, for the people that have sent me asks with requests and stuff: I did not yeet them into the void. I try to do the most I can, so if I haven't gotten to your ask yet, it's very likely I'm holding onto it because I either need another request done first (I guess y'all have noticed how slow I am) or need to converse with my three brain cells (which only awaken in a very specific planetary position) before I can actually write it.

MAIN 4 + BUTTERS HEADCANONS - ANORGASMIC READER

𓆩♡𓆪 STAN MARSH

Eeeeh… Well, sorry. But the very first thing this dude will do is blame himself.

After your first time together when he cums and realizes you didn’t, it’s an automatic shift in the mood from chill and sexy to absolutely dark. He fully sulks, thinking he’s the most selfish motherfucker on the planet, that you’re definitely going to leave him and you should because he doesn’t deserve you.

Which then makes it a shock when you actually explain to him what’s going on - it involves you opening up about some rather personal subjects, and he pays close attention to every word, slowly feeling even worse for making your problems about himself. Out of nowhere, it turns into the both of you butt naked talking about life.

You bond over something. He drowns himself in alcohol to escape his own depression, right? Alcohol can cause erectile dysfunction. At first he didn’t imagine his problem could be similar to yours - but, even if it’s not the same thing, he feels a bit… seen, in a way. Less ashamed of himself.

The concept of things maybe getting a bit more difficult moving on scares him a little bit, no doubt. Like, what if he ends up doing wrong by you and then it really becomes his fault? But he’s suddenly determined to not let something like this get in the way of your relationship - so he pushes through it, and you two end up emotionally closer as a result since you decide to face your problems together.

𓆩♡𓆪 KYLE BROFLOVSKI

The smartest about it. i love him so much i married him 3 times already actually

This is the type of knowledge he’d have even if he doesn’t take antidepressants himself. So, once he finds out you do (either by you outright telling him or by him noticing something around your house), the dots connect in his mind instantly.

So he knows the issue isn’t with either of you, rather it’s a side effect like all medications have, albeit a very bothersome one.

And what do we do with problems? We sort ‘em out. So this guy is doing research and reading scientific articles to try and approach it from a practical sense for you, especially if you’re getting in your head about it, he’s showing you actual information to drill into your head that it is normal.

To be real with you, I think that, in general, Kyle’s one of those people that heavily subscribes to the notion that ‘sex is more about connection and both parties feeling good rather than orgasms’. So he’d have your back in that regard, remind you of it often, and keep that philosophy whenever you two are together. i’m marrying him a 4th time right now

Extra little fact: He’s read through the medicine information leaflet for your medication like a dozen times to figure out everything that it does and any potential other side effects. And probably cornered himself into an anxiety attack of his own by doing so, tbh.

𓆩♡𓆪 ERIC CARTMAN

sighs I’m holding onto the hands of all the Cartman wives right now. But y’all knew what you were in for when you chose the hellspawn. And he’d by far be the hardest to come to an understanding with.

He wouldn’t comprehend it at all. Like, surely this couldn’t be a problem with him (and, for once in his life, he’s right on that!), right? He’s amazing! So that leaves out the other half of the equation, which is you, and he’s sure that’s where the ‘problem’ lies.

It’s entirely possible that you two might even fight over it. He feels a bit threatened by the prospect of there being an inadequacy in your relationship, and so he gets defensive.

Once he gives it a Google search and finds out it’s actually something that happens, though, boy does he regret arguing. And then you get something that you probably should’ve recorded because it’s a once-in-a-lifetime affair: an honest to God apology, complete with flowers on your doorstep, from Eric Cartman.

He ends up having to re-learn a lot of his preconceived notions about sex. A lot of newfound understanding about orgasms not being the end-all-be-all of the deal, and learning different ways to bring you pleasure, physically and mentally. But we know how he gets when he sets his mind to something, and he does deliver on that regard. Cartman growth arc what do you know

If he does make you cum, though? No one is ever hearing the end of it. So so smug.

𓆩♡𓆪 KENNY MCCORMICK

At first, this idiot sees it as a challenge. Like you’re being bratty or testing him out or something - which he’s down for.

But then he goes serious immediately when you explain what actually is going on, and he does apologize. It is all a little bit confusing in his mind, to be fair - for him, arousal and sex are the only actual easy things in life, so this feels out of left field to him. 

Honestly? It would take a bit of explaining to him that your situation is a side effect from medicine. I feel like his household is one where the concept of depression is spoken of as ‘laziness’, so his knowledge about the subject is zero when you first talk.

He’s willing to make amends, though. He does provide a lot of emotional support - in the usual Kenny way; there’s a lot of non-sexual touching involved - and makes sure you understand that it’s not gonna be a problem for him and that he doesn’t think less of you for that at all despite his initial misunderstanding.

And from then on, whenever you two meet for that, he’s a man prepared for battle. Sex toys, lube, water and snacks to replenish energy, anything he can possibly try on you to bring you that pleasure. And if still by the end of the ordeal you don’t finish at all, he’s gonna have made sure you felt good. 

𓆩♡𓆪 LEOPOLD ‘BUTTERS’ STOTCH

So sweet it gave me a cavity, as usual. 

Does blame himself a bit as well at first, but doesn’t get in his head nearly as much as Stan would. It just takes a little bit of talking and that sadness gets quickly replaced by legitimate concern.

Another guy who wouldn’t understand antidepressants very well because his parents would’ve probably given him the belt if he even thought about saying he was depressed. He’s a fast learner, though; the explanation amps up his concerns for you a bit, but it also brings him back to his regularly scheduled programming, which is…

You get absolutely smothered with support and reassurance. He’s not gonna let you feel bad about a single thing if he can avoid it; so if you have any insecurities in that regard, he’s helping get rid of them with loving words and a little bit of careful insight he’s picked up from his limited understanding of the matter.

He’s eager to go through with any possible suggestion to sort things out and make things better for you. Different positions, actions, or sex toys? Why not! Sex therapy? He has no idea what it actually entails, but sure, go right on. He needs you comfortable first and foremost, whatever shape that takes.

Dividers by @cafekitsune

[nighting-crow]

Modded Followers (plus Crow) as Incorrect Quotes

Remiel: I told Taliesin to grab snacks for everyone. Xelzaz, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks? Remiel, Taliesin, and Khash raise their hands Eris: What time is it? Auri: I don’t know, pass me that saxaphone and we’ll find out Auri: BLASTS the saxaphone Taliesin: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING?! Auri: It’s 2 am Nebarra: Some people are like slinkies. Gabrielle: What? Nebarra: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. Gabrielle: Gabrielle: Please don't push Remiel down the stairs. Nebarra, pushing Remiel down the stairs: Too late. Auri: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life. Lucien: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? Auri: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. Taliesin: Edible. Eris: Is there something you would like to say, Nebarra? Nebarra: Oh, there are SEVERAL things I would like to say. Gabrielle: When do you usually go to sleep? Crow: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

Inigo: Hey, can I get a sip of that water? Eris: It’s not water. Inigo: Vodka! I like your sty- Eris: It’s vinegar. Inigo: …What? Eris: It's vinegar, PUSSY. Taliesin: How high are you? Crow: Mm, I don’t know how to say it in feet. Gore: No, he's asking what drugs are you on. Crow: Oh, antidepressants, why? Auri: The Ocean is a soup. Xelzaz: Xelzaz: Do elaborate. Auri: What are needed for something to be a soup? Xelzaz: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine. Auri: Tilts head Xelzaz: The Ocean is a Soup. Auri: The Ocean is a Soup. Lucien: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth. Gore: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth. Lucifer: You have Crayons? Crow: Yes, I have— Lucifer: You're— how old are you? Crow: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS. Auri: You remind me of the ocean. Gabrielle: Because I'm deep and mysterious? Auri: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people. Inigo: Lol. Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you’ll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this. Gabrielle: What did you do Inigo? Inigo: a Mistake.

Gore, holding an unconscious Auri: Oh no. Please don’t be dead. Gabrielle: Nebarra told me that brown is just navy orange, and I have never been more disappointed with something I agree with. Lucien, setting down a card: Ace of spades. Nebarra, pulling out an Uno card: +4. Khash, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you! Gabrielle, trembling: What are we playing?! Lucifer: Is stabbing someone immoral? Remiel: Not if they consent to it. Eris: Depends on who your stabbing. Xelzaz: YES??!!? Kaidan (specifically about Gabrielle escaping the Deadlands): Did you win? Or just not die? Kaidan: Either way, hooray. Gabrielle: ...Is "no" a valid answer? Kaidan: The hooray is redacted and you frighten me. Crow: Good morning! Kaidan, checking his watch: Correct. Xelzaz: Adults are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with. Nebarra, referring to himself and Auri: Even us? Xelzaz: Especially you guys. Auri: Nebarra: Auri: Petition to kick Xelzaz out so he stops insulting us. Nebarra: Seconded. Crow, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it- Inigo, whispering: Should we call the exorcist? Khash, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick. Ashe, appalled: Call the exorcist.

[falafels]

hello hello may i request to hear some of your katesethaaron thoughts i am considering writing about them and u are the authority to me lmao

orpheus!!! yes you may omg ok SO why they work is because of what they have in common. and it’s not necessarily that they have a lot in common, but the things they do share are some of the things that are most important to each of them (also this is gonna neglect kateaaron a bit because there’s already plenty there but trust that It Is There)

also potential trigger warnings for addiction and eating disorder stuff while i remember

seth and aaron have the most obvious common denominators: histories with addiction, sibling relationships that are perpetually bleeding wounds but also just the guy who took your fucking sandwich, getting angry and hostile and lashing out, refusing to accept good things because it could be a trick, homophobia learned from an intolerant upbringing that they don’t really mean, recreational homophobia learned from the annoying fucking gay people they know that they sometimes mean, being told they’d never be anything and believing it, gaming, hating on kevin, refusing to get involved in neil-andrew-kevin bullshit yet still somehow being the most affected, it goes on. seth and aaron make sense to each other. when aaron doesn’t sleep and he stares too long at dan’s bottle of antidepressants, and when seth’s hand twitches and he snaps at people, they recognise it. and there’s something there, in not having someone try to fix it for you or demand anything of you, but to know exactly what’s happening and how you feel, and share the feeling so it isn’t all trapped inside of only you.

seth also likes to cook. not in the way kevin cooks now he’s learning, with “measuring ingredients” and “preheat oven” bullshit, but with throwing shit in a pan and seeing what happens. and honestly it tends to be pretty good. there have been some flops (SIGNIFICANT FLOPS rip matt boyd and the 22-hour food poisoning incident) but seth likes to be able to make stuff for himself and see what he can do. his favourite is a disposable barbecue in the summer, grill on, burgers, whatever his brother shot in the yard, hot sauce that makes you cry, alabama shit. aaron can’t really cook, nor does he particularly want to, he doesn’t care, doesn’t have the time, and he mostly eats dry cereal anyway and that’s usually fine. he sits up at the table to read from his textbook while seth cooks, and eventually he’s paying far more attention to the way seth is gleefully tossing shit about and seasoning everything to hell and back than he is to anything biochem related. katelyn starts joining them, and she chats to seth while he cooks. she likes to cook as well, in a slightly more technical way but they both agree that anyone who follows the amount of garlic the recipe tells you doesn’t deserve to live. it’s less about the cooking and more about the time they get to spend with each other, and how they’re making each other feel better for it: aaron is no longer in huge vitamin deficit and feeling useless for not caring enough to fix it, he also now has allotted time to go over his reading for class. katelyn has two people who care and actually want to hear about her day, her recipes, her classes. seth feels needed, in that he’s able to look after these two when they won’t look after themselves (because katelyn is more put together than the other two but girl is still premed she’s snacking on energy drinks and fistfuls of raisins), and he has two people who are taking him seriously and actively appreciating something he’s doing and something he’s good at.

what katelyn and seth have in common is kind of the fundamental principle of each of their identities as they try to get better and be better. with katelyn’s cheerleading and seth’s rule-by-violence sibling hierarchy, they both come from a world where you have to care what everybody thinks because if you deviate and do your own thing, you will be eaten alive for it. and they both chose to do their own thing. katelyn, who spent her high school years in the fucking TRENCHES of cheerleader psychological warfare, with everyone pointing out every flaw in each other, every uneven line of eyeliner, every unflattering outfit, every “omg HOW are you still hungry?”, every interaction with a boy making you somehow both a stupid virgin and a reckless slut, every houseparty, every smirk at weird kids, every groupchat that’s identical to the main chat but without one person, every lie and rumour and eating disorder bait, katelyn survived all of it. and she won’t pretend she didn’t participate, she feels horrible about some of the things she was part of at school even if she personally didn’t do any of the really bad stuff. but toeing those lines and following those rules to win a game like that just wasn’t worth it, and so she stopped. she dated the weird short guy who was rude to everyone, and she loved him more than anything. she wore those butterfly hairclips and sparkly jeans that emily said made her look like her mom picked her outfit, and she loved it. she ate the pastries, had sweat marks in public in the summer, didn’t religiously shave her legs every day, spoke to weird kids, did her homework, listened to the shitty bands, and she was better for it.

Seth struggled constantly at home and at psu to do his own thing, because that meant exposing a weak spot and putting yourself in a position where you have to trust the people around you not to shoot. seth had wanted so badly for the team to work, for wymack to be right, but he didn’t want to be the one to trust it first and make that move, because if it failed he’d always been the one to take the punches for it. his relationships with his family were better now, but in the crucible of an adolescent household of nightmares, fistfights, and pills, it had been quite difficult. and the way to survive had been not to care, not to stand out and make things worse for everyone, not to admit that something matters to you. and when seth woke up from the coma to find the foxes working together, not necessarily getting along, but everybody committing to open-hearted sincerity, he cursed himself for not trusting it and decided that he had to start. and it was excruciating. but one of the first times he met katelyn, she was wearing a lime green denim jacket and absolutely going to town on a box of jam doughnuts (she’d offered him one, and he’d taken it before she changed her mind but the rate she’d been plowing through them he did think he might lose a hand) sitting under one of the trees by fox tower waiting for aaron. she’d looked ridiculous in the jacket, and seth had said “nice jacket” in the least mean way he could manage. and she’d said no the hell it is not, but i like it and i’m going to wear it. and it had been a long day for her, and she hadn’t spoken to anyone, and it all came out at seth, who nibbled quietly on his doughnut. aaron got there before he had a chance to respond, but seth remembered and noted katelyn as a person worth listening to and a person he could learn something from. incidentally, katelyn happened to be over the next time seth really, properly wanted to lash out. he was at the point of snapping kevin’s neck when he balled his fist up and stalked out of the room, walked to aaron’s room and collapsed on the ground next to katelyn, who looked confused. seth asked if he could have one of her butterfly hairclips, and it clicked for her what was happening. aaron was still confused as fuck, but they seemed to be getting on and he was closer with seth these days so sure what the hell.

seth still wears that butterfly hair clip, he tried to give it back that day when he went back to his room but katelyn told him to keep it. he put it in the next morning, and the next, and nobody commented, but the more time he spent with both aaron and katelyn, the less he would have cared about it anyway.

basically seth gordon lifeline is stored in these mfs

but pls lmk if you do end up writing anything i would love to read it!! <3333

[baphometsss]

I think it's an interesting that who Solas is when he is focused on his plans vs who he is when he isn't (something which is represented, loosely, as his identity split between Solas/Fen'harel or Wisdom/Pride), is so similar to my own experiences with chronic depression

I had severe untreated depression for 10+ years before I found a medication that worked. In that time I thought that the depressed me was the real me. It was only after the antidepressants kicked in that I started to realise that severely depressed me is not the real me. Emotions and impulses that I hadn't felt since childhood came back. It was overwhelming to realise that the person I thought I was, was really just a heavily dulled version of me, one that was unable to properly fill the space of my personality and inherent nature because I was too sick.

I feel like this is what's going on with Solas in some ways. I'm probably projecting a lot here but there's so much about his romance that makes me keep coming back to this.

I've never been in a relationship so I can't say exactly what I need, but I do know that loving someone with severe depression means being able to accept that the depressed version of them is not the entirety of who they are; its a heavily distorted version. I know that I need people to be forgiving and patient with me when my mood falls off a cliff and I stop talking. Or when I can't get out of bed because of the terror. It's not about being loved in spite of that, or because of it, but with an acceptance that it's a part of me and part of my life. It's just there, like my hair being curly is just there, or me being asthmatic just there. I need it to be accepted as part of me and for the unique emotional needs it presents to be addressed. It's fairly basic but a lot of people struggle to understand that.

What's important is what we choose. I personally think that people underestimate their will a lot, and that who we want to be says a lot more about us than whatever we're born with. Solas wants to be good, he wants to atone. Post-DATV, he can't dwell on his mistakes anymore because his focus is on protecting the world and by his own words, guilt is a distraction.

Yet still, he is a very traumatised person who has just released a burden he's been carrying for millennia. Realistically speaking, he would be emotionally fragile for some time after all that. I try to address this in my fic writing and it's so delicate--someone who is reeling from having his purpose ripped away from him so suddenly, who, even though it was what he dearly wanted all along, long ago resigned himself to never finding peace. To shouldering the burden he and only he should be responsible for. To mourning his friends and spending every day regretting what he did to them for the so-called greater good. Who gave up the only thing he ever wanted for himself, something that he was willing to throw it all away for, in slavish devotion to his duty and because his identity as an individual was long ago subsumed by both that and his trauma. Now suddenly he has the one he actually wants by his side, telling him that they love him for him and wish to walk this uncertain path with him forever. Now he serves another purpose, and adjusting to that purpose and learning how to just be Solas again will take some time.

I think this is partly why the ending, despite its flaws, resonates with me. Lavellan accepts that he is both Fen'harel and Solas, and loves him all the same. They are able to see the fullness of him entirely and they do not judge. In my own fanworks I write a lot about Lavellan's feelings on being expected to pass judgement over and over again when they don't feel at all equipped or entitled to do so. My Lavellan in particular really grapples with her guilt over whether or not she's done the right thing because she never wanted that level of responsibility. I think this is why I find it hard to accept the criticisms that Lavellan is wrong to leave with Solas in spite of what he did to Varric. Lavellan knows that Varric is the last person to seek retribution and that all he wanted was to save Solas from himself, in the way he couldn't save Anders. Leaving with Solas after stopping him is the outcome Varric would've wanted.

Most of all however, it resonates because Solas is free to be himself with Lavellan in a way he couldn't be with literally anyone else. All he wanted was to be free. Lavellan loves him and refuses to judge, because they've done that enough to plenty of people. They do not want to do it to him. It gets read as being passive, but for my Lavellan it's a powerful act of self-preservation. They get to choose what they want to do after so long fulfilling duty after duty, and it's being with the man they love after so long trying to save him and the world. It's in choosing to be with someone who loves them for them, who always saw them for who they truly were when the world was taking everything from them. It's in doing this that they're following Ameridan's advice: to take the good moments where they can, because the world will take everything else. There's nothing pathetic or passive about that.

[magnificentempress]

so we think i got something called treatment-resistent depression, a lot of whining below

first became a patient at 11 because of self-injuries, did some talk therapy which was whatever, wasnt prescribed anything because too young, the doctor was a weirdo but ig she tried to help. flashforward to 14-15-16 and i am doing just bad, never going outside, always feeling low and anxious. everyone thinks im lazy and ungrateful (+ Difficult Puberty), and i just had this certainly that i wont live until 18. i wasnt even planning anything actively, i just thought some random car crash would kill me. flashforward to university years, it gets so bad that im too scared to leave the house and i skip so many classes i nearly get expelled. i get some shitjob that pays minimum to pay for my first visit to an actual psychiatrist, and he says it is a generalized anxiety disorder. i think ok.

escitalopram doesn't work. several months of maximum dose of zoloft+lamotrigine and talking, maybe it is okay. the moment i quit, it just spirals right back downward. flashforward to trying to get help from other doctors every 6 months with taking antidepressants sporadically, i hate talk therapy now so fuck it. another doctor says it might be a depressive episode

flashforward it gets so bad again that im gonna be expelled for real if i dont get my shit together so it is time to try yet another doctor. she looks at My Record (TM) and says it seems like treatment-resistant depression. which is one hell of a name if you ask me, kind of like adhd is "cant sit still"-disorder. i say ok. i say that 3 meds or so didnt do anything. i try venlafaxine. it kinda lifts my mood from 1 to 3.5, even 4 if im very optimistic. my hypothetically bipolar sister says it gave her hypomania, it gives me nothing like that but ok. doctor says that if a close relative has a mental disorder, it possibly means that it is just genetics.

and it's just... it was all for nothing. i was born doomed for real. for 10+ years i tried to pick myself from the floor, tried to journal, meditate, take up sports, pRacTiCe MinDfUlnEsS. 300 mg of venlafaxine and i feel almost... no, not good. but at least Not Bad. i even graduated. it was like a 100kg weight on my neck was turned into a 10kg weight. still sucks but hey at least it is not 100 now. fuck my stupid baka brain and stupid baka life, if i feel anything is i feel like a scammer because i will always Be Like This. i hate mirtazapine btw made me eat like its my last meal so i quit it. so venlafaxine might not even be the thing. i will always be a patient that doctors basically experiment on because no one knows what are the causes of depression, or why antidepressants work and dont work, or how to relieve it. and then they be like, well have you tried electrocuting yourself lol?

i know it goes hard against blackpill but i have already accepted that im like a low value human because of this disorder and with how it makes me malfunction and contribute nothing, basically turns me into a parasite that can barely hold a job or go outside, when im not sleeping for 16 hours. i just thought that maybe if i fail at life i would Settle Down and be like a wife pet + just raise my child or whatever the hell. but i dont think i should even birth one because the kid will be SO insane and thats just cruel lol i just want to be honest, dont go at me plz

anyway it sucks that i feel like a skinwalker that has to pretend to be human, i guess i should try to get better still because people around me deserve a person that functions somehow... but i just cant stop thinking that its hopeless. it has been rigged from the start because im just like this and we found it out like after 10+ years of trying to get better. i think i should up venl to 375 mg but I'm kinda scared of le serotonin syndrome but its the max allowed dose sooooo