#and took photos with a bunch of my current favorites

[deedala]

🌨 Weekly Tag Wednesday - January Randomness 🌨

Tag gamessssss are back!! Thanks @mybrainismelted for making the game this week and thanks for tagging me!!

Name:  deanna🌱

Age: noel

What were you doing last night at 12AM?  i was asleep fuck yeah 🙌 (this is an achievement for me)

What word do you still have trouble remembering how to spell?  Brocolli.  Broccoli?  Broccolli?  That one. <- okay using Kat's because this is one for me for sure, i often cop out and justt call it brocco. but also another one is vacuum. wait did i just fuckin get that that on the first try??? never in my life......

You accidentally ate some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they gave you the super-power of your choice! What is that power?  okay sorry to steal again but yeah teleportation!! i just think its the most useful for the most variety of things!

First thing you would buy if you won the lottery?  a house that is not falling apart!

Who is your favourite author?  i usually just say Trick Weekes because the masked empire and da:i solas remain some of my favorite shit ever written

What’s the tenth photo in your photo album on your phone? Can you explain?

yes we had a blizzard and i took a photo of our buried front yard!

What was your favourite breakfast cereal growing up? How about today?  maybe...kix?? cinnamon toast crunch?? my current fav would be honey bunches of oats with almonds but i also really loved that one as a youth too.

What outfit did you wear growing up that you’d be mortified to be seen in today? i dont know i've always been a relatively plain-style clothing person. certainly wouldnt look good in a babydoll tee, but i dont know if i'd find it mortifying 😆

and now i'll tag some folks to play along if you'd like! otherwise please take this little snowflake ❄️that i give you with love🤍

@michellemisfit @jrooc @suzy-queued @energievie @too-schoolforcool @gardenerian @lazystargazy @creepkinginc @palepinkgoat @blue-disco-lights @callivich @gallawitchxx @salesmain @gallapiech @crossmydna @spoonfulstar @echotrees @gallavich-annise @mmmichyyy @the-rat-wins @loftec @wehangout @femboymilkovich @sickness-health-all-that-shit @sgtmickeyslaughter @heymrspatel @darlingian @ian-galagher @sam-loves-seb @rereadanon @catgrassplantdad @lingy910y @spookygingerr @transmickey @vintagelacerosette @kiennilove @iansw0rld @softmick @francesrose3 @c-nord @burninface

[momowoah]

Chiyuu in the AKB Theater life is good again

[yuikomorii]

Ayato: Idol AU Headcanons

// Since you guys enjoyed my DL K-pop AU posts, I decided to write some HCs about Ayato, because he was the most talked about. In this AU, the Sakamakis aren’t actual brothers, nor are they vampires; the group’s concept is just the one of a vampire family. Some details here are based on true things about Ayato but have been slightly tweaked to better fit the idol AU. Hope you enjoy! ❤️

He was once a basketball player and even served as the captain of his team. His dedication to the sport often led him to compete in numerous tournaments, causing him to skip many classes.

Ayato was scouted for his visuals. The CEO of REJET LABELS noticed his youthful yet refined features while Ayato was casually walking home from high school.

A former classmate confirmed Ayato’s popularity at school. She also mentioned that people would randomly take pictures of him on the street, and a bunch of his photos are used on Pinterest for inspiration.

Even before starting his trainee period, Ayato was already quite good in both slow and freestyle dancing. After beginning his training, he discovered his rapping abilities.

As a trainee, the first person Ayato befriended was Laito, who remained his closest companion even after debuting. The two are often spotted hanging out together.

Ayato hates doing aegyo. However, during a special episode of the variety show MUKBROS, Kou dared him to sing and dance to a cute song. The performance went extremely viral, skyrocketing his popularity. Despite this success, Ayato has admitted that the experience still gives him PTSD.

Ayato is in high demand for brand deals and appears to be everywhere. Rumor has it he’s poised to become the next Chanel ambassador. Unfortunately, this has led some solo fans of other members to accuse him of favoritism, casting him in a negative light.

He is the first member of the SAKAMAKIS to appear in Vogue, where he was officially recognized as the "IT boy."

He was ranked 1st in top 100 most beautiful faces (male version); one of the reasons why he gained the “Visual God” title within the idol community.

His best known controversy involves plastic surgery. Netizens noticed changes in Ayato’s nose and jaw when comparing his pre-debut photos and videos to his current appearance. A bunch of Dialovers took his side, attributing the changes to puberty, yet others strongly disagreed, spreading hate by making posts about him looking “botched.”

Last year, he partnered with soloist Cardia as a MC. This experience had a mixed impact on Ayato’s image. While some criticized him for occasionally forgetting his lines or laughing and posing in front of the camera while Cardia consistently gave her all, others came to his defense. Many fans and non-fans argued that the criticism was too harsh, pointing out that Ayato was never intended to be the spokesperson of his group, but Reiji. They also emphasized that it was unfair to compare someone with no prior experience to someone used to give speeches.

When asked who he considers the best-looking person he knows, he confidently answered, while giggling, "myself." Shu then posed the same question but added a rule: he couldn’t choose himself again. In response, Ayato admitted that Cardia is a close second.

Despite this, the biggest dating rumor surrounding Ayato involved a possible relationship with the daughter of one of the staff members. Diapatch spotted Ayato with a blonde girl at a private event, and sasaengs later reported seeing them holding hands late at night. Whether they are actually dating remains unclear, but the rumors enraged many of Ayato’s solo stans. Some were so upset that they filmed themselves destroying his PCs and degrading the girl online.

The hate train quickly faded, especially after Ayato's successful solo debut. His fancams went viral, with his styling making him truly resemble a Vampire Prince. This reminded netizens of his iconic performance on MUKBROS, leaving them stunned by his duality. On top of that, his noticeable improvement silenced critics who had dismissed him as "just a visual."

When asked which idol he’d like to get to know better, he mentioned soloist KINO from the same company. A few months later, KINO invited him to his limited-edition web show, where they had the chance to interact, play games and even filmed a TikTok together afterward.

It’s rumored that not only REJET LABELS, but also other companies pressure idols into plastic surgery to resemble Ayato. This theory gained credibility when Zen from Un: Birthday Song looked different in middle school but began resembling Ayato after becoming a trainee, securing his debut spot in a reality competition.

People who have seen Ayato describe him as having an arrogant and bold presence on stage, perfectly fitting his vampire idol persona. However, off-stage, he’s known to be kind to his fans and happy to engage in casual conversations. Recently, a Dialover shared their experience meeting Ayato, saying, “In MVs and concerts he appears untouchable, but in real life, you realize he’s just a normal handsome boy.”

He is frequently described as the ideal type in street interviews, admired for his stunning looks, hardworking nature, and confident personality. Moreover, many trainees have cited him as their role model.

[yumeka-sxf]

It's been a few months since my last merch haul post, so time for another one! As usual, acrylic stands are my main purchases, with the below set being one of the rarest I've found 💖

The reason these are so rare is because I couldn't get them from my usual places on Amiami and Mercari JP. They're from a company called Ultrizon and are currently only sold in China. I saw them advertised on Twitter from a shop in Thailand and decided to reach out on the off chance that the shop would ship to the US. And much to my pleasant surprise, the shop, Chibishiba, replied and said that they would ship to me 😃 I was a bit concerned because they seemed to be just a small "mom and pop" shop, with only Twitter DMs as their form of communication and they kept track of everyone's orders in a google sheet. But I looked around on their social media and they seemed legit, so I placed an order (a few other fanatics I know on Discord did as well!) And thankfully, they were totally legit! They ordered the items from China, then once they shipped to Thailand, they then shipped to me in the US! Only took a few weeks 😁

Here's some more photos because they're so lovely~ For some reason the two Twiyor sets make me think of a scenario where they're going to a dance or other fancy event together (the left ones), but then something happens and they have to switch to "action mode" to stop a villain, save Anya, etc (the right ones).

Bond looks so adorable in his suit~ Also the one of Anya on the left is her totally thinking "Papa and Mama are so cool 🤩"

Even though I typically only buy merch with the Forgers, Yuri, Damian, and Franky were also part of this set. Lol, when I made the below photo of the three of them, I laughed because it looks like they're posing for a photo, with only Damian having fun…Yuri's like "whatever" and Franky's like "how long will this take, I have a date!" 😂

Besides the Ultrizon acrylics, the other ones I was most looking forward to getting were these chibi ones from the cruise arc (two different sets)

Between all of these, I now have acrylics of the Forgers' full wardrobe from the cruise arc 😅 My favorites are suit Yor, "I won't stop fighting" Yor, and Fun Dad Loid!

I really liked these Twiyor acrylics from the recent Tsukuba collab. It's like they're going on a hiking date ❤️

I also got these chibi "famous scene" acrylics from the Waku Waku Park event.

I've been trying so hard to get the complete set of these big acrylics for a few months now...I managed to find Loid and Anya, but no one is selling Yor 😭 (or Bond). I won't stop looking though!

As for non-acrylic figures, I've been looking forward to getting this Yor & Anya figure for over a year! It was actually one of the first SxF items I preordered, way back in November of 2022! Considering they had the colored prototype available way back then, I'm surprised it wasn't officially released until March of 2024. But worth the wait ❤️

For Code White's release, I got the set of Luminasta figures (all three for a good price on eBay).

Also chibi Loid & Yor~ I know there's a ton of chibi Loid and Yor figures out there, but I really liked these for some reason.

Last month I went back to Kura Sushi for the last merch from their recent collab: this nice shirt~ You were able to get it if your bill was at least $70, which isn't hard to do if you bring a friend with you and you both eat a bunch of sushi! (well, he did most of the eating, lol). I'm planning to wear it for the first time at Anime Expo in July 😁

They also had this little Anya dessert.

And miscellaneous items I recently got were these pretty picture cards that I plan to make scans of.

The McDonald's collab booklet, the season 2 complete set box, and the Loid & Anya cloth poster that came with the box. I also plan to make scans of these!

A mug from the Tobu Zoo collab.

And lastly, some new decals for my car! I found this set at Walmart of all places, lol. Found room for them among my other decals.

Since I bought so many new acrylics and figures lately, I had to do a major reorganization of my display shelves. But I'll save those photos for another post~

[swarvey]

🎉🎉🎈🎊🎈🎊🎉🎊🎈🎊 CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Maybe a ask of your favorite characters celebrating? Like you finished the community center and had the big party but your bookie bear wants to celebrate with you at home?

Ya know keep the celebration going for everyone

get a room! | harvey x f!reader

summary -> you finally finish the community center and celebrate with everyone in town. harvey would rather take things back home. warnings -> none! wc -> 787

a/n: i actually love this prompt sm, thank you anon!!! ik you didn't specifically request nsfw but i'm lowkey inspired so y'all lmk if you want a part two with what harvey would do hehe

-

"y/n! i can't believe it, you actually did it!"

emily tackles you with a hug, squeezing you tightly before looking at you with a proud gleam in her eyes. leah stands behind her with a warm smile on her face, while haley takes off her earbuds and begins looking around the finished community center. it took you countless seasons and, quite literally, your own blood, sweat, and tears to do it, but you've finally completed all the bundles in the building.

everyone in pelican town has joined you in celebration at the restored building. penny walks with jas and vincent, pointing to the different bundles and explaining the work you put behind them; alex stands in front of the fireplace and poses while haley begrudgingly takes a photo of him; sam and abigail excitedly make their way from room to room, sebastian trailing behind them and admiring the refurbished spaces.

"i have to say, i am quite impressed, my friend!" elliott declares broadly, walking up to you with a grin. "this explains all the running around i always see you doing, correct?"

"that's right," you reply, laughing as your friend gives you a round of applause. "please, at least this means that stupid joja mart will finally shut down."

"it also means i am currently unemployed, prick," another voice grumbles. you smile sheepishly at shane as he joins the two of you, arms crossed and an amused look in his eye. "thanks for that."

"now is not the time to drag her down," emily scolds. "look at all the wonderful energy surrounding this place!"

"oh, enough with that energy bullshit. it looks nice, i'll give her that."

"nice?" elliott repeats, suddenly looking personally offended. "why, i believe that's the understatement of the past hundred centuries."

as he continues on with his theatrics with leah pulling on his sleeve to stop, you can't help but listen with a warm feeling in your chest. despite everyone's differences, they were all willing to come here to celebrate your success. you realize how attached you've become to the town and its people, grateful to have the luck of living in such a place.

you startle slightly when you feel elliott's arm tightly wrap around your shoulders, drawing you to his side.

"she is the pride of pelican town, shane," elliott continues dramatically, shaking your body for emphasis. "the work she has done for all of us will be recognized years from now!"

shane laughs — wholeheartedly laughs — and you immediately grin back. it's not every day you get to see the grumpy guy crack a smile. "it looks like the 'pride of our town' might be dying of embarrassment in your arm, pretty boy."

"i have to agree." a hand gently grabs yours, tugging you out of elliott's grasp. "i hope i'm not interrupting."

harvey smiles at you, his gaze filled with love and pride. out of everyone, he definitely understands the efforts you put in the most — especially after long nights spent in the mines, or early morning visits to the clinic after you exhausted yourself a little too much.

"you never cease to amaze me, my dear," he expresses warmly, and suddenly, the rest of the room seems to fade away. "you're incredible."

you rub the back of your neck, shaking your head. "lewis is the one who told me what to do, and those little junimos helped out a bunch—"

"now is not the time to be humble." he squeezes your hand. "you're one of a kind. i can only hope this means you won't be going to the mines as often." harvey frowns then, a look of protectiveness taking over him. "i typically prefer not having to bandage you up, you know."

you laugh, but before you can respond, a gruff voice sounds from beside the two of you.

"and i usually prefer not having to see you guys eye-fuck each other in front of the entire damn population," shane groans, leaving to look at another section of the center. "get a room!"

you and harvey look at each other with raised brows, and you notice the others slowly inching away.

"if i have to admit," he starts, slightly pulling you closer to him, "i would prefer having you all to myself, as selfish as it sounds." you can see a blush creeping up his neck at his statement, looking at the floor in embarrassment.

"what's stopping you, then?"

his eyes meet yours, reaffirming your words, and you nod.

then, you suddenly find yourself all but sprinting out the community center doors. your laugh fills the air as harvey drags you along with him, face beet red as he leads you back to the farm.

[cloveroctobers]

LOVE FOR A MINUTE — ARMANDO ARETAS [Summer Randoms]

A/N: I did say I was going to take a break with my summer collection soon but uh…THIS IS ACTUALLY SHORT WORK SO IT DOESNT COUNT! Anyways what if I bring you a dash of some mess that I randomly started writing on my lunch break based off one of my current overplayed songs?🏃🏽‍♀️

WARNINGS: language, toxicity, arranged marriages, mentions of gun violence, use of y/n & infidelity!

SYNOPSIS: in which Armando is trying to figure out a lot of things in his life but…it’s always something.

⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁

All it took was some passionfruit soda to figure out that you were cheating on him. Not only cheating but with someone he unfortunately worked alongside of.

Rafe.

And Armando already couldn’t stand his obnoxious ass. It didn’t take him long to figure it out either, the dots being connected unbeknownst to you and it was no secret that Armando was a man of few words but he was also very observant. Rafe had no issue being the loudest in the room, the type of co-worker that loved playing videos on his phone on the highest of volumes that one of his speakers was actually on its way out.

Rafe was all protein shakes, açaí bowls, and early morning workout routines but the moment he showed up with a plastic filled cup with a colorful beverage, burping up a storm from the other side of Kelly, who kept giving him warnings while she cleaned her favorite weapon of choice at her spot of the desk, that was the final blow for Armando.

Armando looked away from his own desk which was off to the side away from the original AMMO members—he had his own personal sticker thanks to the amusement of the team which read: does not play well with others right on the side of the table, he fully turned to face Rafe who laughed it up.

“C’moooooon, That was the best one!” Rafe held his hands up in defense.

Dorn rolled his eyes with a shake of his head, “not only are you annoyingly distracting, you also reek, dude. What the hell are you drinking?”

The ADHD must be kicking in as Rafe now had one hand on his phone, texting away with his thumb, giving Armando enough time to sneak up and catch a glimpse of a bikini photo that looked awfully familiar before Rafe quickly locked his phone. He clears his throat, lifting his head to meet Armando standing over him.

“Can I help you? Ever heard of personal space?”

Armando lifts his chin, his voice naturally low as he states, “Let me see your phone.”

“Uhhhh? No?”

“I’m not asking.”

“Which is exactly why I’m not handing it over.” Rafe smirked.

Armando crossed his arms, “You got something to hide?”

“No.” Rafe scoffed, “I just don’t appreciate you standing over me like you’re fucking Michael myers or something, making demands. We’re not even friends and I know you got your own phone, whether it’s from your deadbeat dad or from some dirty money you probably have stashed away.”

Hands were placed right on Rafe, making Dorn widen his eyes from his spot at the sound of impact while he sat at the end of the desk. Armando had his hands right at Rafe’s shirt, but not without slapping his hands flat against Rafe’s chest, almost knocking the wind out of him as Armando bunched up his shirt while he got right in Rafe’s face. “…Seems like you had a lot to say about me behind my back, so why don’t you say it all to my face this time?”

“Yeah okay…” Rafe starts as he sizes Armando up, “Maybe you should go on your lunch break because you’re doing a lot right now. More than usual.”

Armando doesn’t miss a beat, “Maybe I should ask your girl to join me instead. You know the one? The one you keep stringing along and is also the mother of your baby girl?”

Rafe tightens his square jaw, “what the fuck are you getting at, bro?”

Armando darkens his stare, “I see right through you, bro.”

“Oh yeah?”

“So I’m actually going to ask you a question that I already know the answer to: are you fucking my wife?”

Kelly and Dorn both flick their gazes to each other’s.

Rafe licks his full lips, breaking eye contact for a moment, but he knew he had an audience so he keeps his usual persona up, “…I’ll give her back if you want?”

And that was enough for Armando to swing. He didn’t need to know the details from Rafe but he needed to make the message clear, it was always fuck Rafe around these parts, and he stood on that. However Rafe wasn’t one to back down from a fight and sure he maybe taller than Armando, the well known muscle of the team but none of that means anything to Armando. He’s had plenty of bodies left to rot all over—so in short—none of these men were punks.

“As much as I love a good fight, I’m exhausted dealing with you assholes everyday! So cut the shit.” Kelly yells, one arm pressed up against Rafe’s throat on the other side of the room while Dorn is also holding Armando back.

Dorn nods, “We’re supposed to be a team, here!”

“He sucker punched me in the face!” Rafe points, “and we were forced to work with his bitch ass anyways!”

Armando pants, “The only backstabbing bitch I see here is you, motherfucker.”

“Oh whatever! I don’t owe you anything. You’re in your feelings over a chick that just wasn’t that into you and you knew that so you want to take it out on me.” Rafe yells, “face it, you got played by someone that was forced to be with you because of mommy dearest.”

Armando laughs humorlessly, ducking underneath Dorn’s arms but he jogs right after him, grabbing his wrists and pulling them back while yanking Armando, “I’m surprised it took this long for someone to knock you on your ass.”

“Oh it’s been awhile.” Kelly chimes in over her shoulder.

Rafe rolls his eyes, recalling just what Kelly was talking about, “I’d split your eyebrow open if it wasn’t for Mr. And Mrs. Smith here. And you got me while I was sitting, which is weak by the way.”

Armando shrugs, “what difference would it make? you’d still be garbage.”

“All that anger should go to someone who cares and newsflash, it’s not me.” Rafe mockingly grins at the ex-crime boss.

Dorn interupts, “wait…all this is over y/n? Rafe…the one you were sexting and talking about is y/n?”

Kelly throws her head back with a shake of her head, just wondering why her boyfriend would add more salt to the wound. Dorn sometimes ended up speaking his thoughts out loud before thinking them over, truly.

“Ding! Ding! Ding! Someone gets an B-!”

However that didn’t stop Kelly from shoving her forearm tighter up the dark haired man’s throat, making him wheeze. Rafe raises his hand in surrender as a sign that he was just joking.

“That’s fucked up, dude.” Dorn slowly loosen’s his grip on Armando who side eyes him for holding him back, then fixes his shirt, “on so many levels.”

The four in the room couldn’t erase the tension but two familiar forms definitely could.

“What is going on in here?!” Captain Secada demanded, as she viewed the damage to the tech, Rafe’s busted lip, who tried to hide the evidence by pulling his lips into his mouth, spilled fruit soda dripping off the counter and onto the desk chair, Kelly let’s go of the Asian man, placing her hands on her hips as she looked back and forth between the men in further irritation, Dorn awkwardly scratches the back of his head, and Armando appeared as if he was ready to leap again.

Detective Lowrey steps into Armando’s view, who still appeared as if he was looking right through his biological father, right at Rafe.

“Mando, talk to us.”

He says nothing, making Mike rub his jaw in frustration at the common wall his son liked to put up. “My guess is: Rafe got what was comin’ to him.”

Kelly snorts while Dorn nods his head, quickly looking away once Rafe throws his hands up is confusion on why Dorn didn’t have his back. Rita sends Mike a warning look but he just shrugs as he turns to stand side ways, so that he can get a good look at everyone again.

“Regardless of what happened before we arrived—which I will find out—Do I need to remind you all that this is a place of business, where professionalism and team work is supposed to be the number one priority?”

Rafe huffs, “try telling that to the cartel Tasmanian devil over there. I know what oath I took to be here…some people were just handed shit.”

All eyes snapped to Rafe at that.

He just didn’t know when to quit.

Armando snickered as he scratches at the side of his nose by his beauty mark. Although his heart was drumming in his chest over the truth, he kept his cool—now.

“…That’s fine, next time I’ll just put the gun in your mouth instead.”

“WHOA! WHOA! ALRIGHT!” Mike scolded, although he didn’t blame Armando, he didn’t need him locked up again.

While Rita interjected, “that’s enough you two!”

“I think that’s my cue to go home for the day.” Armando stated, not looking for permission from either of the higher ranks, as he turns to start grabbing a few of his items: phone, keys, and his backpack.

“Tell y/n I said wassup.” Rafe raises his chin while Armando sends him one last look with a mocking laugh, motioning a gun at him on his way out.

Mike runs his hands over his goatee as Rita sends him a glance, making him quickly dip his head to follow his son out of the trailer part of the building.

“Mando, hey!” Mike calls out to the shorter man who’s making his way over to his car.

Armando keeps moving, unlocking the door to the car, throwing his things into the passenger side. When Mike slams his hands down on the hood of the car, Armando turns from the ajar door to meet Mike’s eyes.

“Don’t do nothing stupid. Not when you’ve come this far.” Mike tells Armando, whose eyes are as dark as black coffee.

Armando blinks, “Sure, I’m a murderer turned agent but I’m not down for being disrespected.”

“Okay,” Mike nods, “I feel that. And I’m proud that you lasted this long not popping that asswipe in the mouth.”

Armando snorts, already being aware that Rafe had his share of words with Mike as well.

“Tell me now, are you plotting something against y/n too?”

“No.” Armando shrugged his shoulders, “I been knew—

“But you loved her so that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, right? You can be real with me.” Mike suggests.

Armando deeply inhales, “…I don’t think I know much about love after all, Mike.”

And with that, he climbs into the car, starting the engine, leaving the man on the outside to step out of the way and watch Armando go.

The stories you tried to spin when you got Armando to finally talk to you, made him blow up on you. It’s not the first fight you’ve ever had, the relationships always been toxic. Your mothers were in jail together, you and Armando were practically raised in that facility together in Mexico City until a certain age and then you were both uprooted away from your moms and away from each other.

Somehow you found your way back together, whereas Armando went into training underneath Benito Aretas, you didn’t exactly grow up in a loving home either. Finding yourselves into crooked crime and wealth, you both did well for yourselves and it was written in stone that you two would be in an arranged marriage. Your mother ended up dying in prison but that was her dying wish, believing that Isabel would do right by you.

Depends on how you define that.

You became Mrs. Aretas at twenty-one but once you came to the states and got a taste of a different life, you changed. Armando was always on a mission and ultimately you were on a different one.

You two were no longer a team so it seemed, carrying on tasks on your own where at times your home in Florida started to feel colder at times.

“I’m out here forced to pay off my debts with people I don’t even care for like that, knowing that my wife is doing me dirty. How do you expect me to continue living your famous lie of: everything’s fine when it’s far from it?” Armando asks after you slapped the laptop that he was working on, right off the dining table.

You’re folding your arms, “nothing about our relationship has been a lie, i love you and wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t regardless of what our mother’s wanted. I just—

“ Last I heard you don’t cheat on people you claim to love—guess that’s something you have in common with my mother.” Armando leans back in the chair, fingers folded together.

Raising your brows you deeply exhale, “Look…I know you’re pissed off with me and you have every right to be but i dont appreciate you comparing me to Isabel. I’m not anything like her.”

Armando shrugs his shoulders, “manipulative, selfish, calculated, narcissistic—

“Wow! Say it with your whole chest then.”

“You fucked up, so I’m done.”

“W-what?”

“All those years gone just like that.” Armando feels his jaw about to shake, “and with Rafe of all people? He’s somebody’s whole father and you know he treat’s Kennicott like shit so what was it? The crimson chin?”

You clench your eyes shut, “this is no excuse but the first time we were all drunk and at the club, Mike was there—

“Don’t bring him into this,” Armando snaps, knowing where you were going, “we been had that conversation months ago. You know what? I don’t even need the whole rundown because I’ve already got the gist. I just want to know when I should expect you out by.”

He’s back on his phone, app open to make a schedule and reminders already.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You argue.

Armando keeps a straight face although his brow wants to raise in annoyance, “cool then I’ll leave and have some people stop by to get my things within a week.”

“Armando.” You start, waterworks rising as you begin to follow him, “we can work this out.”

Armando stops in his tracks, almost making you bump into the back of him. He says over his shoulder, “there’s nothing else to work out, this hasn’t been working and I’ve constantly been turning the other cheek since we got here together. Since I got locked up but I guess you forgot about what a commitment entails. Maybe we’re better off without each other for good this time.”

Angrily wiping your tears you grit at his retreating form down the hallway that led to one of the five bedrooms, laundry room, and the side door that led to the car port outside, “don’t tell me you’re just gonna go off and fuck off with Kennicott and her kid? how cliche!”

He puts his shades on in the driver’s side as you rest your hands on the rolled down window, “take care of yourself the best way you know how, y/n and good luck with Rafe. Who knows how much longer he’s got left?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly, what that means.” Armando’s stare is heated even behind his expensive shades, “please, watch your feet. I’m outta here.”

You’re left a gapping fish, jumping back as Armando reversed out of the car port and out of your life for good, if he can help it.

“Hi sweetie,” you smile down at the five year old by the swings as you briefly peek back at Kennicott standing in front of Armando who’s sitting on the bench, shielding the sun from his eyes but his faint dimples are showing as he peers up at her like she created the damn sun.

You start to wonder when’s the last time he’s looked at you like that.

It’s been some time since he emptied his things out the shared home you had together. You still tried to keep up conversations and hookups with Rafe, mostly to keep tabs on Armando but Rafe caught on quick to your game. That’s when the ghosting started and you running up on every other girl Rafe tried to bring back to his place.

Deeming you as crazy but it wouldn’t be the first time.

This wasn’t healthy, you knew this but you couldn’t help yourself. Why did Rafe think he could just get rid of you? And why did Armando think he can just move on and do exactly what you knew he would do.

That’s where you got it wrong.

He wasn’t dating Kennicott but she did manage to get some smiles out of him. Of course he already knew her since she came around to headquarters doing sweet things for Rafe and the team that he never appreciated. It was like Kennicott was a bother to Rafe yet she was also the mother of his child? She deserved better much like Armando did and if you wanted to look at it in a petty way…it was nice to get underneath Rafe’s skin in the process by being her friend.

You still didn’t sign the divorce papers but when you received them, you thought about doing a drive by to be honest. That was more Armando’s style but it wouldn’t be so different than what you normally got into. Before getting to that you started off small, by keeping tabs on those Armando affiliated with and placing a tracker on Kennicott’s emerald green 4Runner. Which led to the park Kennicott always brought her daughter to on Saturdays.

Wednesdays were swimming lessons, Thursdays were Kennicott’s late nights at the office so baby girl was usually with Rafe’s mom. You had their schedule down pat and it was the perfect time to execute.

“Y/n?!” Armando screamed your name as you handed the five year old off to your accomplice in the backseat.

It was like slow motion as you spotted a worried Kennicott gripping Armando’s forearm, once your eyes switched from their comfortability and back up to their faces, you sent a wicked smile before tossing the door back and hoping into the tinted car.

Armando knows he could have taken the shot but you were still his wife, there were plenty of witnesses and children, and he always had the risk of being thrown back in jail hanging over his head. He knew your game, actually fell in love with it, so all he could do for right now was embrace a distraught Kennicott underneath his arm and call it in.

If that’s how you wanted to play, he was guaranteed to win.

⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁

Continue reading my summer anthology writings & prompts here.

[hawkland]

Art Masterpost: The Beginning Story by emmbrancsxx0 (@valleydean) Art by sidewinder (@hawkland)

When I saw an endverse story up for claims in this year's @deancashorrorfest — particularly one exploring the beginnings of how it all came to be — I knew I had to get my grubby, greedy hands on it. When I found out it was written by none other than @valleydean, I may have made some hqppy screeching noises to rival Castiel's true voice. Getting to do art for one of my favorite writers is always exciting, if sometimes anxiety-inducing, but I ended up having an absolute blast working on these with Mallory and am really happy with how they turned out. Thank you for being such an amazing partner to work with, and I'm so excited for everyone else getting to read the story now!

Thank you as well to @kingdumbass for organizing Horrorfest once again, and creating one of my favorite little Destiel communities on the net. It's always a ton of fun and I love how you keep the server going & engaging year round.

Some rambling comments on the art & my process below the cut.

As usual these were all done in watercolor with a little bit of black & white acrylic pen work for fine details and lines. I used rough/cold press paper for all of these to keep a consistent feeling and because it's always my favorite for doing any portraits and where I want a lot of blending control.

The hardest thing for me was deciding which of the many memorable scenes and moments I wanted to illustrate in the time I had available. I had a pretty clear vision for the title art early on: to show Dean & Cas at the beginning of it all, with a collage of elements of destruction behind them and doing the title text in the "Croatoan graffiti" style. There were a bunch of different reference shots combined for that one: screencaps from 5x04, a later-season shot of Dean & Cas walking together to get their positions how I wanted, etc. My Cas "face" reference was actually from Stonehenge Apocalypse as I wanted him looking a little more human/hopeful than standard s4-5 Cas as he's pretty low on grace but still has a little "angel mojo" left.

(As Mallory commented when I shared it as a WIP, "That's a man who's about to be destroyed!" :D D:)

I'm also really glad I was able to get the painting to Mallory at DC-Con! You can see in the pic that it's pretty big (16"x20") to get all that detail in!

For the next piece, there's a small scene of Dean and Cas on the road under smoke-filled skies, past a "God Saves" billboard that just struck me. I'd just driven out to Pittsburgh and back on the PA Turnpike so used some quick reference snaps I took combined with photos of the hazy skies from the Canadian wildfires earlier this year to get the atmosphere I wanted. I tried to keep some of the same washed-out colors and feeling of the title piece for that, save the color of the sky.

For the rest, I wanted to do one piece each of Cas and Dean at critical moments in their journey through the story. Cas facing himself in the shattered glass of a pharmacy cabinet was a moment I knew I had to try to capture. It reminded me of that amazing shot of Misha in Gotham Knights, with Harvey and the smashed mirror, so that was definitely in my mind as a visual reference.

Cas himself is a combination of some Purgatory screencaps and some out-of-character Misha pics from here and there to get his hair the way I wanted it to look (even if I ended up painting over most of it with interference silver watercolor to create the effect of the shattered glass. Here's an in-progress look:

The Dean rooftop piece is one I'd had in my head as soon as I read the passage in the story, but it was the last piece I tackled. The city in flames behind Dean was pretty much done in one shot as a spontaneous wet-in-wet wash...though it was a little eerie and unsettling working on it this past week with current events playing out on the tv while I painted.

Finally, I really wanted to do a piece showing Dean and Cas as they are near the end of the story compared to how they started out. This one came together in a really fast burst of inspiration - I think one day drawing and two days painting because it's smaller than the others (12"x6") and I wanted it to be really close up and intimate. Drawing:

Poor boys have been through a lot. And it's only going to get worse )-:

Anyway, that's more than enough from me. Have you gone to start reading the story yet? If not, go there now! Bookmark! Read! Leave lots of love in the comments! Reblog and check out the rest of this year's Horrorfest collection while you're there!

[movementsofmylife]

People I wanna know better tag meme

Thank you for the tag @shannankle :)

Last song?

Currently obsessed with Seungkwan's cover of Shape by Choi Yu Ree because I love to be in pain.

Favorite color?

Probably deep green.

Currently watching?

I just caught up with a bunch of BL I missed from 2023: Love for Love's Sake, Jun and Jun, The New Employee, Kiseki: Dear to Me, and To My Start 2 from 2022. All good, lfls and tms2 are my angsty faves and Chen Yi and Ai Di have simply taken over my brain cells to argue and never say one single thing directly if it could be said obliquely and with threats of violence.

I just started Love in the Air lol because I wanted something light but ep 1 and Payu's vibes are perhaps not for me. I'm also watching Build Up, this korean vocal survival show thing, it's great background watch vibes.

Honestly I'm kind of looking for BLs to watch, not that there isn't wild amounts but because I want something which is kind of similar to The Eighth Sense or I Promised You the Moon, which is to say, a bit artsy, a bit angsty and with something to say outside of the romance itself? So recs are welcome~

Last movie?

Oh good god, I genuinely don't remember but I think it was Mind Game dir. by Masaki Yuasa sometime last fall. I'm truly bad with watching movies.

Sweet/Spicy/Savory?

Spicy~ I like it hot lol

Relationship status?

Single and too caught up in work and research to want anything more than a cat and an apartment to my name.

Current obsessions?

Chen Yi and Ai Di. Truly so good. Why isn't there 1000s of fic about them already?? Their dynamic is so good and so cursed and truly neither of them can communicate to literally save a life and I love them for this.

Last thing you googled?

Masaki Yuasa's name spelling lol~

Selfie or another pic you took?

A photo of my cat bundled in blankets:

Truly just tagging with no knowledge about whether you've done this before or not. Please also simply partake if this is your jam~

@chordassinationtechnique @khaofirsts @sunsetghouls @idletype @sparklyeyedhimbo

[scribl1ta]

☆Get to know me☆

Thank you so much @zaegreus for tagging me!!

last song: ANASAINO KAI ZALIZOMAI by LILA (listening to my spotify radio while typing)

favorite color: emerald green

currently watching: The Sopranos and Drag Race

currently reading: nothinggg😝I need to go buy the next Daughters of Rome book which has Hadrian and Antinous in it

last movie: I watched Juliet of the Spirits last night and it's probably the greatest movie I've ever seen just in the quality and beauty of the storytelling and production. Most of all there is a whimsy in this film many of us modern viewers could use in our lives. I highly recommend it

first ship: I had a very serious OC x canon Clone Wars ship as a middle schooler, and my first canon ship was Jango Fett x Zam Wessel

three ships: Socrates/Alcibiades, Hadrian/Antinous, Scintilla/Fortunata

current obsession: Idk if I have any new ones :(( the closest would probably be that I bought a bunch of lobby cards for Polidoro's Satyricon on ebay for my holiday gift to my self and I am really excited even though I don't really know what to do with them. I took photos to post here soon💗

relationship status: complicated (?)

last thing i googled: roman gladiator reenactment for reference images #soon‼️

tagging @illegible-scribble, @emperornero, and @headsinsand!! no pressure to do it and anybody else who sees this post is welcome to participate!

[seabreeze2022]

2023 Bahamas Cruise, Part 4, Mar. 10-12. Morgans Bluff to Normans Cay, to Sandy Cay to Lee Stocking Island.

This is, Natalie, our friend from Islamorada. She and her husband left one week before us and went directly to the Jumentos as quick as they could. She is holding a really, really large Crawfish, at least by Florida standards. But these are kind of common this far south in the Bahamas. Deep water canyons allow them to grow to this size without being caught. Q: What is the easiest job in the world? A: Bahama Minister of Tourism.

All they have to do is post some pictures like this!

Our time time in Andros was short and we are looking forward to coming back, but we need to make haste heading south. Cold fronts are still coming down, the water is 75 degrees and chilly. We were under way at 0538 weaving our way through the anchorage. When we first showed up five days earlier we were the eighth boat in the anchorage. Three were “cats”, one Hatteras yacht, and three other sloops. Four were buddy boating. One of the cats was from Tavernier, the next town up from ours.

As we left there were about ten boats, with only two cats in the bunch. One was an old trimaran. No fancy mega yachts here. No chartered catamarans. Pretty quiet group and little drama.

Windy App is my go to for wind and wave prediction. Friday was the smoothest ride across the Tougue Of The Ocean (TOTO). It would be a bit lumpy at daybreak but getting better as the day went on. We have been beat up before crossing TOTO into steep short spaced waves. See the photo below of our buddy remora boat in March of 2023 crossing TODO.

This year the crossing was smooth. We just set a straight line for Normans Cay 73 nautical miles away. The day started out a bit chilly at the helm and we made notes to bring some warmer clothes for sailing the nightshift.

Resting with foul weather gear on to stay warm, note the smooth water in the background.

This is a screen shot of our chartplotter while crossing TODO. Our boat is depicted bottom center with a red icon over it. Just to the left shows a depth of 8500 ft.. To put this in perspective, if you stacked 45 Empire State Buildings on their side. They would still not break the surface.

By the time we finished the day crossing White Bank south of New Providence the seas were glassy calm. Winds had been mostly on our nose and seldom more than 30 degrees off all day.

Beans were cooked in a pressure cooker while underway. Pressure cookers save a tremendous amount of propane fuel.

This year we bought a Hot Spot from Aliv to use in the Bahamas. It is working great. It allowed me to check the weather as we approached Normans, I changed my plans on anchoring right off the island. Winds were due to pick up after midnight from the SW. So I tucked further off shore behind a sand boar hoping to break some of the waves. This would also give us a quick departure in the morning.

We woke early with the boat pitching on the anchor in 2 ft. waves. Today would be a 32 mile sailing day on a beam reach to Sandy Cay. There are few places to hide from SW - W - NW winds in the Exumas. Sandy Cay was our favorite.

Taking turns on the helm and resting. Lots of sailboat activity on this route today. We were the “privileged vessel” with wind coming over our starboard rail. So I tacked a bit further upwind allowing the “burdened vessels” to clear any sand bores and run their course.

Nancy resting on the upwind side of the boat in the sun. By attaching her tether from the jackline in the cockpit around a winch and then back to her. This helps secure her in place as the boat heels over.

A shot from the lee rail at 6 kts.

Our anchorage was fairly calm, with only two other boats nearby. We dropped the dinghy and took a quick bath at the stern. Water is still chilly at 78.5 F. When we woke in the morning our anchor was in sight 30 feet away directly on our left. Currents and wind have that effect here. Neither is strong enough when they oppose each other, to straighten out the anchor chain. Game plan for the day is head outside for Lee Stocking Island after topping off jerry jugs in Staniel.

Using two of the diesel jerry jugs on the deck we put 8 gallons in the tank assuming we had burned 10 gallons since Andros. Nancy is using the “jiggle hose” to siphon the diesel out of the jugs. We also ran the watermaker for an hour as soon as the solar panels could keep up.

We ran the gauntlet of boats anchored between Big Majors Spot and Little Majors Spot. At least 40 boats were anchored in here hiding from the SW winds.

The fuel dock at Staniel Cay Yacht Club is first come - first serve. We were number 3 in line. It took almost 2 hours to get our 8 gallons of fuel. Boats were taking 40 minutes each. Once it was our turn we tied up, Nancy ran the trash to the trash tailer. I pumped 4 gallons in each jerry jug, then quickly walked to the office to pay. Nancy met me there. We were off the dock in 10 minutes.

The Exuma Sound is 5000 ft. deep, but was smooth all day as we motored to Adderly Cut.

Adderly Cay with its unique stone marker passing down our starboard side.

Dana helming through Adderly Cut and hooking a left behind Lee Stocking Island.

Our son, Lars, recently bought a PDQ 34 power cat. Only 106 were ever made, and we just found one tucked behind Lee Stocking Island. Named “Headway”, it was flying a “Great Loop” flag on the bow. Which is a circle with the Mississippi on the West side and the Intercostal Waterway on the East side. The Great lakes connecting them on the North, and the Gulf of Mexico on the South.

Absolutely stunning sunset, unfortunately we were a hair north and could not see a green flash due to the tip of Normans Pond Cay.

Picture perfect ending to finish our first week back in the Bahamas.

S/V Sea Breeze, Lee Stocking Island, Exuma, Bahamas.

[pragmatic-optimist]

SCREEN CAPS

thanks a bunch for the tag @welcometololaland @rmd-writes @tailoredshirt 💖

[post a screencap of your lock screen photo, a screencap of the last/current song listened to, as well as the last photo of a celebrity that you saved in your phone]

It is not 8:28pm right now, it’s just when I took the screenshot to save for this tag game lol.

I was listening to one of my many playlists while beta reading and this was the last song saved when I opened Spotify to check. It’s one of my favorite JP Cooper songs and one of the rare songs I associate with both Grace/Judd and Carlos/TK. 💕

I’m doing a full rewatch of New Girl for the endorphins and recently sent my best friend this Jake Johnson//Nick Miller scene because it’s one of our favorites, and literally me on my birthday every year (internally I am a Golden Girl). 

unsure who hasn’t done this yet, so no pressure tagging: @sunshinestrand @reyescarlos @mistmarauder @jddryder @first-kanaphan @maybe-theres-hope @scienter

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, December 11th, 2024.

When did you last see someone you know in public? You mean outside of the usual public spaces in which I might see them (such as seeing someone from the animal shelter at the grocery store)? I'm not sure.

Do you enjoy going to the dentist? I don't. I kind of dread the idea of it, which is weird because despite all of the orthodontic work I had done as a child and teen, it's not like I have any dental-related traumas. Maybe I'm just embarrassed.

When did you last eat something you didn’t like? Hmm. Maybe the last time I gave sushi rolls (seaweed) another try. Still don't like it.

Do you think you’d survive if zombies took over the world? Are they slow, shambling zombies or more like the ones from 28 Days Later? Because I've got one heck of a speed-walk.

When did you last hang out with a bunch of friends at one time? Not since I was a teenager.

What kind of music is your least favorite? I don't think I have a true least favorite genre.

Are you and your best friend complete opposites? No. We have our differences, but we're nowhere near complete opposites.

Would people around you say you’re regularly a mean person? I don't think anyone I know would say that about me.

Do you like the colour yellow at all? Yeah.

If you were to write a novel, what would it be about? I don't have any novel ideas in me.

How many times have you logged in to Bzoink? (it has a counter) Idk.

Are you currently pretending to be someone’s friend? I'm pretending to like someone more than I actually do because we work together.

Are you an impatient person? Occasionally. Mostly when I'm feeling worn out, sick, super stressed, or time compressed.

Are you afraid to watch movies that have sex scenes with your friends? I don't even like watching them by myself.

Who sings the last song you listened to? Pretty sure it was Johnny Cash. A song playing while we were out getting groceries earlier this morning.

Why do you think some actors don't want to see their movies/shows? Perhaps for the same reason I don't like hearing my recorded voice played back to me or (sometimes) seeing myself in photos others have taken. It's...awkward.

Do you think fortune tellers are the devil’s messengers (haha)? Lol this just reminds me of a story Liv was telling us yesterday. She recently bought some "witchy" books and her grandma said something like, "That's how you sell your soul to the Devil," and Liv was all, "B-But I'm willing to sacrifice myself to curse pdf-files…" And her grandma was just like, "Aww, that's sweet." :B

Would you rather use napkins or paper towels? Paper towels.

Do you go to the pool in the summer time very often? I did when I was younger. We visited Rock Canyon (a swimming area near the reservoir) as well. Not something I do anymore.

Have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? My eyesight isn't the greatest and I have an astigmatism, but I've never had any serious issues.

Have you ever watched South Park? Who’s your favorite character? Many years ago. My favorite character was probably Tweak (Tweek? lol idk anymore).

Do you have sensitive teeth? The molars on the upper right side of my mouth sometimes give me trouble, but otherwise, not really.

Do you enjoy or hate snow days? Why is this your choice? Looove snowy days. I can't say it was a "choice" to feel this way, though. I've just always loved the snow.

Do you turn pale when you get sick? Maybe sometimes. You can tell when I'm not feeling well, though. There was one time not too long ago when my dad came home, took one look at my face, and thought something terrible had happened. But nope, I was just hurtin'.

Does it bother you to get shots in the mouth? Does it hurt? Like numbing shots for getting teeth extracted? That never bothered me. I don't remember it hurting very much at all.

When did you last talk seriously with one of your parents? I'm not sure, but probably fairly recently.

What is the day of the week currently? It's Wednesday.

Is anything exciting coming up in the next three months? Just enjoying the winter / holiday vibes. And hopefully a relatively swift end to the respiratory virus that's been sweeping through cattery over the last week-ish. Praying that it will be over by Christmas and that all of the kitties will come through it just fine. I'm kind of honored that they're letting me work through it as a volunteer. Just goes to show they really do view me as "basically staff." Lol, put that on my resume - front line essential worker during the kitty epidemic of 2024. ;D

Do you ever borrow money from someone? Rarely.

Do you know anyone who tells every single thing you say? No, but I am still careful about who I trust.

When did you last kiss someone on the cheek? Who was it? No idea.

Why do you think people like Lady Gaga so much? She's talented, entertaining, etc? I'm not a huge fan, but I do like some of her music. It's catchy.

Do you have a lot of enemies, or not so much? No.

Can you count backwards from 100 without a mistake? Probably.

Do you have any friends you’ve had since birth? No.

Do you care if your friends talk badly about you? Ideally, I would hope that they would feel comfortable coming to me with any issues. I can't change or address something if I'm not aware of it. But I also understand being terrified of confrontation and going to a third party for advice / to vent, so…!

Would you rather drink out of a straw or just the cup alone? I'm fine with either. I don't really have a preference.

Does anyone ever say they miss you often? No.

Would you rather become a wizard or a vampire, if you had the choice? Wizard. Lmao I like magic and food and not needing to kill people to survive.

Is there anyone out there who has made you feel miserable? Eh. Disappointed, but not surprised.

Do you have a problem answering personal questions? Personal questions in surveys are fine, especially because there's no pressure or expectation to answer them. I can give or leave out as much detail as I wish. IRL, it highly depends on who's asking and why.

What color is the vacuum-cleaner in your house? Mostly gray.

Have you already moved out of your parents’ house? No.

Are your parents divorced, married or separated? They're separated.

Have you ever thought you might just have obsessive compulsive disorder? I guess it's not out of the question, but most of the symptoms I experience could just as easily be explained by C-PTSD.

Do you think it’s rude to text someone else while on a date? Really depends on the situation. Are they spending a lot of time looking at their phone or are they responding to something important / time-sensitive?

What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? Idk.

Has one of your websites ever quit operating or shut down? Were you sad? Most recently, I was pretty bummed out when Bzoink shut down. I just kind of assumed it would "always" be there.

Is it awkward to see your best friend’s parents out in public? I wouldn't even recognize my best friend's parents. I've never met them before / they're estranged.

Who is the person you talk to the most in your house? My dad.

Is there a television show out there that you never miss? No.

What movie have you seen too many times to be healthy? As a child, probably Watership Down.

What are the last two digits of your phone number?

Does it creep you out to see people with mullets? No.

What is your biggest responsibility in your household? Cleaning.

How cold did it get where you live, last winter? I think the coldest temps were around -20*F.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time to redo something? Yeah.

Ever accidentally pull out a filling from your tooth? No, but I have broken one of my molars.

Do you ever wonder what your exes are doing? Sometimes.

Have you ever been caught in a huge lie with your parents? Probably.

Do you ever listen to the radio anymore? Yeah. I listen to the radio quite a bit, actually.

Does it bother you to have personal conversations with people? Outside of a few people, yes. I'm a little better at opening up with Riley and Liv, but I still won't go beyond a certain point.

Ever ride in a limo? When did you last do so? No.

Do any of your body parts hurt at this moment in time? Yeah.

Are you sober at the time being? I am.

Do any of your friends constantly do things to annoy you? No.

When did you last eat a Starburst? What color was it? I'm not sure.

Have you ever lied to someone & said they could sing when they couldn’t? Probably.

Do you ever call backstabbers out on what they do? Ever? Sure. Often? No.

How many people in the world do you trust? Maybe two or three.

[waltswhatever]

Therapy is expensive, and I'm currently in debt, so here's my regretful love letter to the digital void.

You're never going to see this, but I miss you. I'm sorry I was a terrible friend, and a worse boyfriend, and for all the ways I strung you along and played with your feelings. I didn't mean to, but I know it hurt you, badly. I was young and stupid, fumbling cruelly through our relationship. The way things ended was awful and entirely my fault. I could never apologize enough for who I was at the time and how I chose to handle things. Hell, I even hurt my current partner-to-be-husband in the process. I was the worst person I'd ever been thus far.

I would give everything just to be friends again - nothing more, just friends. I know I did the right thing in cutting things off - That I would've just hurt you more in trying to make it work, like I did before, because we never were able to be 'just' friends, but god, sometimes I hate myself for it. It was the best and worst decision I made in all of our friendship.

I know it was the right thing to do, but I pay for it these days. When it gets late, I find myself lying awake, like you did so often when we were friends. I hope you sleep easier now without me to add to that anxiety. I can't forget the parts of you that you left in my life - that I couldn't cut out to try and make me miss you less. I miss being kids together. I remember your birthday, because it's only 2 weeks before mine, and I can't watch the shows we watched without thinking of you. I see new games, shows and hobbies, and I know which ones you might've liked, before remembering I can't recommend them to you now. I remember how we thought our one mutual friend in highschool was crazy, in a pitying way, and how I still chose to talk to you even if he "disproved", because I didn't care, I wanted to talk to you. I remember meeting up at a school football game, running up to you, trying to pick you up and falling on my ass in the gravel in front of a bunch of people because I was just so excited to see you. I remember a hot summer day, hanging out at my previous apartment and throwing things we shouldn't have been throwing - soda cans and cups of old, smelly, expired dressing - off my front porch with you, and watching them explode on the ground, stupidly, and making a cursed potion in the apartment toilet. I remember falling in the frozen lake dock-waters and losing my shoes on a winter day when walking around with you. I remember that Halloween party, and having a not-so-easy talk. I remember going to that swim meet together and sitting in the hot humid seats to support our friend, a new crush of mine, and now your lover. Halloween is still my favorite holiday, but I can't forget that that's when everything started going downhill, and by March, we would stop talking. By my choice, for our mutual good. But I can't get rid of the ceramic sunflower bowl and the tiny ceramic mask you gave me, or the woven string operator symbol keychain, or the penumbra bracelet, or the polaroid photos we took of our marble hornets masks together, laid on the ground in the leaves and moss behind your grandparents house. I still have the letter you had your sibling deliver to me after I cut things off. I try not to read it so I can at least forget what you said, but even now, parts of the last few lines stick, "I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you."

Shamefully, I still know how you're doing these days. The internet makes it far too easy to check up on folks you can't talk to anymore. I wish you'd blocked me instead, so I can't look back - so something forces me to move on, instead of it having to be my choice. It's like learning not to stare at the sun, because it hurts, obviously, but now I have to learn it again as an adult - someone who should know better, who does know better - but still can't stop staring.

Still, in the end, I'm just grateful you really are happier now, that you're doing better, that you're thriving in college, that he's being good to you, that you have all of these good things to look forward to and that I'm not there to fuck it up or hurt you. That I'm not being abusive, that I'm not leaving you hanging for weeks on end, and that you're not there waiting, just letting it slide, that you're not still just sticking by my side while I'm shitty to you, and that you're not still there avoiding calling it abuse or neglect because you don't want to lose me - I miss you, so fucking much, but I am so glad that's no longer your present life, even if that means I'm only ever going to be part of your past. It's somewhat sickly comforting to see that even apart now, we're similar, still. That now, you figured out you're disabled too, that we both need mobility aids, and even then, it's somewhat bitter to see how you've changed, and what your new interests are - things "old" you probably wouldn't have liked. It's healthy for me to see that change, to try and solidify that we aren't going to reconnect.

And if you somehow saw this, I'm sorry, I know it's creepy. Part of me wonders if you still stalk my socials. But if you did see this, somehow - block my main blog, please. And, please tell him that I miss him, too, and that I'm sorry for everything I did that affected him when we were part of that friend group, that I never should've opened my big fat mouth, and that I wish we'd had more time together. I think of him just as often. Both of you live in my mind rent free.

Maybe, in another world, I would've made better choices, I wouldn't have hurt everyone I did so cruelly, I would've been a better partner to you from the very beginning, and then, maybe the four of us could've been happy together. Of course, that's in a perfect world, and that's not real - which is for the best. For all of your pain and for all of my mistakes, we've both learned from it.

I'm trying to be happy for myself, too, that even if I've lost two friends and potential loves, that I am incredibly lucky. I have a man who has stuck with me through my absolute worst - who knew me when I failed both of you, and stuck around for the even worse months after that. He is my everything, I try to treat him like a prince, give him all the love he needs, listen to him, respect him, communicate with him, take care of him when he's sick or feeling bad, and commit to him - to make up for all the times I failed to be a better person. And somehow, he loves me, too. Being with him has molded me into a better person, slowly but surely, and I am eternally grateful that he stayed for that.

We've talked, and we want to get married some day, and we have a cat we call our 'daughter.' I don't like to admit that I deserve anything good some days, because the way I treated you is one of my biggest regrets, and it comes up as a frequent tool for measuring my worth whenever it comes time to criticize myself - but whether or not I deserve how wonderful he is, I won't fail him like I did others. I will cherish him till we die, no matter how many mistakes I make, as long as he'll willingly have me.

And I genuinely hope that you're just as lucky with your lover. I miss you dude, but I'm glad we're both doing so, so much better apart.

[chickenscratchjournal]

What can a journal be?

this is two things, one is me saying an answer and hopefully the second is some other folks saying other answers.

I want to start with I have been writing in a physical journal again. I am often no at my computer and I really do hate writing on my phone. I would much rather carry around a little notebook and a pen. So, that is what I am doing. I tried doing a google doc table situation, but I found it hard to stay motivated to fill in all the boxes, sometimes I didn't have anything to say, or any energy to say what I wanted. I think handwriting some notes throughout the day is a lot less daunting than writing a summary at the end. But, for those interested this is the setup I was using.

It was an attempt at simple checking in on when, what concrete things happened, what my body was feeling and how I cared for it, my feelings that popped up throughout the day, and some final thoughts on it all. But, as you might have picked up in that description, not so simple. Also, yes, I did make the google doc page purple.

So, I am back to pen and paper. My pen of choice is currently a blue Pilot G-2 07. This is my mom's favorite pen to use and I have definitely inherited that opinion.

While prepping for therapy on Tuesday, I took some notes to bring in. I made a list of questions for myself and her, I condensed that list into general points: body, vampires, Names of People, serial dumper, over sharing, fear, french accent, shame, etc. I then took those a drew out a mind map, tying together the ways these events/ideas/people were connected to my feelings. It was really helpful to have already mapped out where I wanted to go before going into the 50mins.

I also transcribed some of my work that I had previously typed up. So, while working on my ptsd and trauma this year, I am also writing a novel about vampires. I wrote a head to toe about the vampire's body according to the lore I decided would appear in my book. I then wrote next to it a head to toe of my body. I looked at how I wrote about monsters and myself, and I didn't love the comparison.

While in the session proper, we talked about a lot of things that I won't go into detail about here. But, my therapist brought up a really important point about abuse and grief. She asked me if I was ever mad at my abuser. She noticed that every time I told her details of the abuse I framed it with my own shortcomings. Now, I have been in therapy for almost eight years, and four of those were during and after my abuse, so I knew it wasn't my fault. I had been a variety of feelings about it in the past four years, but in all my notes and all my metaphors, I never was mad at my abuser in isolation, it always came with anger at myself.

So, I took another approach, an epistolary approach! I wrote a letter to never be sent. Pen to paper, I wrote my "sorry's" and my "I don't forgive you's" and I wrote just a page, nothing too detailed or long winded, just a page of the things I would say if it wasn't an absolutely terrible idea to open communication again.

So, a journal can be a google doc table, a page of scribbled questions, a mind map, a list of metaphors, a blazon of a vampire, a letter to never be sent, and it can be a tumblr post.

I won't share photos of my journal here because their are a lot of details I don't need to share with a bunch of strangers, but despite having all these grand ideas about journaling, I have terrible, messy, big, uneven, ever changing, and smeared handwriting. And no matter what people say, or what I think in the back of my head about it. I am very proud to write down my experiences, because I am important. I am a person and even if I have bad handwriting I deserve to tell my story and to use writing to heal. If I ever write a page that isn't too personal I will definitely share it so we can all look at some journaling that isn't perfect and enjoy it together.

But, until then, thank you for reading and I hope to hear about what else a journal can be.

- El <3

[eldritchsurveys]

1229.

by joybucket

1. When was the last time you went to church? >> It's been years. 2. If you could trade hair with any one person, whose hair would you choose have, and why? >> I don't want to trade hair with anyone.

3. How many pairs of pajama pants do you own that have animals on them? >> None of my pajama/lounge pants have animals on them.

4. If you own any pajamas with animals on them, what animals are they? >> The closest to animal pjs I have are the multiple pants I have with a Stitch pattern on them. I still don't know how the fuck everyone in that movie was like "yeah, sure, this is totally just a weird dog", lmao.

5. If you wanted to get a dog that looked like you, which breed of dog would you get, and why? >> I... do not look like a dog.

6. Do you have a hard time letting go of things? >> Depends on the thing, don't it.

7. When was the last time you experienced a miracle, and what was it? .

8. When was the last time you colored in an adult coloring book? >> Years ago. I have a bunch of them, I just never use them anymore.

9. How many cellphones have you owned in your lifetime? >> Too many. 10. Name one celebrity who is the same age as you. >> Kendrick Lamar.

11. How old were you when you had your first crush? .

12. Was your first crush on a male or female? .

13. Do you think you look better with long hair or short hair? >> I prefer how I look with long hair, but I can't afford it.

14. Have you ever had to apply for disability? >> I've gone through that application process multiple times.

15. ....and if so, what happened? >> I was usually approved after a denial or two. The last time it took two years. I can't apply anymore because I'm married to a working person.

16. What is your favorite board game? .

17. Do you think you look better with curly or straight hair? .

18. What is one unpopular opinion you have? >> It makes no fucking sense to measure things like the usefulness of astrology and the existence of gods using scientific metrics and I'm sick of people doing that. 19. What is your favorite photo editing app on your phone? .

20. What is one video game you used to love to play but haven't played in years? 🎮 >> Guitar Hero. Our Xbox 360 RROD'd a couple of years ago, so I can't play anymore. Even if I could, it's likely the flimsy controllers would break after a while, and they're virtually impossible to replace now that that whole franchise and every one like it is out of production.

21. How many of your grandparents are alive currently? .

22. What is one medication you will never take again, and why? 💊 .

23. What is your favorite thing about your life right now? >> Video games.

24.....and what is your least favorite? >> Loneliness.

25. In your opinion, what are three of the most disgusting foods ever? >> Oh, I don't know. I'm not really disgusted by many foods. 26. Do you believe in God? >> The God you're talking about does not play a role in my life.

27. What are three emojis you use a lot? >> 💀😂🖤

28. Do you keep your clothes in a dresser or a closet? >> A wardrobe.

29. What is your least favorite household chore, and why? >> Cleaning a bathroom. It disgusts and repulses me beyond compare.

30. What is your favorite insect, and why? >> Oh, so many. Mantises, stick insects, fig wasps, moths, bees, I just really like bugs.

31. What is your LEAST favorite insect, and why? >> Probably the German cockroach or the bedbug. For reasons I'm sure you can figure out.

32. Do you follow any sort of special diet, and if so, what? >> I do not.

33. Have you ever had an eating disorder? >> Nothing so formal as that. I've had disordered eating habits, but not a full-blown disorder.

34. Do you consider yourself spiritual? >> I do not. That means nothing to me. I have my share of beliefs and practices and preferences, and I have a complex and multifaceted relationship with divinity.

35. Are you happy with your life right now? Why or why not? >> Eh. I mean, sometimes I am, despite The Horrors. But mostly I am intensely dissatisfied, for reasons that I feel like I hash out in surveys all the time already.

[suckitsurveys]

Do you think you could handle a job in the medical field? Why or why not? Nope.

Would you rather edit photos on your phone or computer? Phone.

What is one electronic device you own that you have not used in a long time? Our Wii.

What is one thing you are currently behind on? Blah.

When was the last time you wore a dress or a skirt? I wore a dress as a swim suit cover up a couple weeks ago.

When was the last time you had a migraine? Last month.

What is your favorite thing about Instagram? I don’t know.

When was the last time you wore a flower in your hair? I’m sure when I was a kid I put flowers in my hair or my mom did.

List three words to describe yourself using the first letter of your middle name. Merry, marvelous, mentally-unstable.

Have you ever had a friend with the same middle name as you? Nope. It’s not a very common name.

What color was your locker in high school? Blue, if I remember correctly.

How many framed pictures of you and a family member or friend can you see from where you’re sitting right now? I  have a bunch printed out as magnets from my instax printer on my cabinet, and I also have a framed one of my older niece holding my younger niec right after she was born and one of me and Mark on my desk.

What is the first thing you think of when you see the rainbow emoji? 🌈? Gay shit.

When was the last time you got a new pair of glasses? Last month. I got new regular glasses and prescription sunglasses

Do you prefer to play chess or checkers? Neither.

What color was your first cell phone? It was a navy blue fucking Nokia.

Do you remember when smartphones were a new thing that had just come out, and only rich people had them? Yes.

If you could choose to have been born in a different month, which month would you choose to be born in, and why? I like my birthday.

….and which month were you actually born in? September.

Does your first name rhyme with anything? (If so, what?) Banana and Montana are the two most common things people tend to rhyme with my name.

Have you ever met anyone who didn’t like the color blue? Not that I know of.

What color was the last pill you took? A lighter shade of blue.

How often do you use emojis? Pretty often.

When was the last time you took a selfie? It’s been a bit.

How many E’s are in your full name? Two.

What is the first letter of the name of the street you grew up on? K.

Which decade were you born in? Technically the 80s, but at the very very end of it.

Who was the last friend of yours to have a birthday? My sister’s was Tuesday.

Are you looking forward to your next birthday? Why or why not? 🥳 I’m excitedd to be celebrating it early with two of my friends in a couple weeks while the outdoor water parks are still opened, but I am dreading my actual birthday.

When was the last time you blew up a balloon? In May for my niece’s birthday party.

If you had to go an entire week without using any technology, what do you think you would spend most of your time doing instead? I have no idea.

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “mast”? Boats.

Where is the weirdest place you’ve ever slept? I guess at a rest stop in Ohio?.

Would you rather travel to Asia or France? France.

What is something new that you’ve learned recently, that you didn’t know before? I don’t know.