#and to try and get me hyped about the depressing amount of hours i’ve worked this year

[trashgremlinn]

peak capitalism is my work’s scheduling app having a lil spotify wrapped year-in-review moment for how many shifts/hours ive worked this year :)

i love having a funky visual slideshow telling me exactly how many days of my year have been spent at work :)

it’s soooo refreshing and life-affirming to know that i’m spending the vast majority of my waking hours being paid fuck all to cop abuse from stupid cunts just so my boss can come in to show us all his fancy new car, and the insanely expensive electric guitar that he “didn’t need but wanted to treat himself” :)

[boldlyvoid]

ain't it fun? | Part five

Summary: reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

Warnings: pregnancy, chronic illness, spencer's career chance - he's a high school teacher now, they have a 1-year-old, smut at the end but not graphic.

word count: 2.8k

a/n: I imagine this is in season 10, so they've been together at least 7 years-ish now, I just jumped well into the future because I wanted to! also, Cordelia's nickname is Edie and pronounced Ee-dee !!

P1 P2 P3 P4

“No.”

Spencer sighs, “are you going to like any of my suggestions?”

“When you give me a baby name that isn’t from some weird old male book character, then yes, I’ll take them into consideration,” she replies, hand on her stomach as she lays back against the pillows.

She was huge, 9 months pregnant and so, so close to the finish line. She was swollen and in pain and exhausted. Going off every single medication and recreational drugs to make a life was a commitment and a half, she was doing well but she was so ready to be done. To do a few more months of breastfeeding and then go back on her medications.

Spencer was terrific. He was googling and asking Penelope to research things, he had called doctors he knows and friends and did everything in his power to find a way to ease her pain even before they got pregnant. He’s taken the last 3 months off of work and he doesn’t know when he’ll go back. He has just been so, so incredible the whole time.

Naming a child was hard. You had to not only think about all the nicknames and what their initials spell, but you also had to think about how they’ll like it; if it’ll fit their personality and spirit. And most of all, is it going to get them bullied? There are some terrible kid names. Like Richard… how do you name a newborn Richard?

“I want something meaningful with a nice nickname and works with our names and her siblings,” she whispered towards him. “They need to all work together.”

“What are some of your favourites?” He asks, moving in closer and finding a way to cuddle in with her and her pregnancy pillow who has all but replaced him lately.

“I like earthy names, like Lennox, Juniper, Aspen, Elowen,” her voice is really soft, she bites her lip at the end as she thinks them over again. “And old things like Cordelia and Winnifred.”

“Which one sounds the best with Reid?”

“I like Cordelia Reid the most, and then we can call her Edie and I was thinking you can pick her middle name?” She’s been thinking about it for a while, but too afraid to know his opinions.

“Cordelia means core in Latin, which makes sense cause she already has my heart,” Spencer teased, he has made it very clear that their little girl is going to be spoiled, loved and a daddy's girl.

He took all his fears of being a bad dad and threw them out the window. He knew that just being there was all he wanted from his dad, and so that’s what he was going to do. He left the BAU for the time being, he was doing the odd lecture at the academy and answering calls for cases. They couldn’t just stop using his brain, there were some things too pressing to not ask the walking computer, but other than that, he was done.

He was looking into other jobs for when he finally decides to go back, he was unsure how long of a paternity leave he wanted. He was really content with just staying home all the time now, but he did miss going out and being useful during the days. The job he was most interested in, however, was a high school teacher.

A prep school in DC is looking into adding an Anthropology, Psychology and Sociology course to their curriculum, and they wanted Spencer. They thought he would be perfect for the seniors, he is fun and young and attentive, he can control a room and keep them entertained, and he’s probably the best teacher a kid could get.

It was going to make him a good dad too.

“I think Jade is a nice middle name,” he adds after thinking it over for a few minutes.

“Cordelia Jade Reid,” she says the full name for the first time and it just feels right, like they already know her.

—

She was very calm for a newborn baby.

She liked to just look around and blink, she licked her lips a lot and she was constantly breaking out of her swaddle. She was always happy to have cuddles with her dad and she pooped every night at exactly at 3 am, without fail. She didn’t cry a lot, but when she did it was still wonderful to hear.

They were so in love with her, she was absolutely perfect for them. She fit right into their sleeping schedule and their life, she ate like a pro, she slept most of the night and she was growing way too fast for their liking.

One day they’re crying over the fact they made a life in a tiny little hospital room, and the next thing they know she’s about to turn 1.

She’s sitting in bed with Y/N, she’s sitting in her lap with two handfuls of hair and a story to tell. She’s been babbling so much lately, she hears them talking all the time and she wants to join so badly. They indulge her, asking her to continue her thoughts and gasping at her gossip.

“No way, and what did you do next?!” She asked the little one sat in her lap.

Edie babbled on once more, smacking her tongue on the roof of her mouth as she pushed air past her vocal cords, humming and making the funniest sounds. She went on and on, she was so enthusiastic, like her father, as she waved her arms around to make her point.

“That is so fascinating, you are so cool, little Edie,” Y/N hyped her up, smiling at her as she leaned in close and pressed their noses together.

Cordelia laughed and it finally made Spencer giggle too, he had been watching from the doorway as his ‘wife’ and daughter talked in bed. They were best friends already, always talking and snuggling, learning or reading together. She was always happy when she was with one of them, she was needy and snuggly and very co-dependent but they didn’t mind, they preferred all the attention from her.

“Look who’s home,” Y/N whispered and Cordelia shot a glance towards the door, she smiled and screamed as she saw him.

“Hi Edie!” He waves at her with a smile, he takes his bag off and places it by the dresser followed by his blazer.

He gets into the bed and she instinctively reaches for a hug. He wraps her up and she snuggles right into his neck, with a fistful of his shirt, she just holds him there. She didn’t understand why he wasn’t home all day anymore, she missed him for lunch and at nap time but she loved the new routine of a snuggle when she woke up and he got home.

Spencer leans back against the pillows beside Y/N, turning his head to capture a kiss from her lips. They always just spend a quick second kissing when he gets home, even if it’s just a peck or a full-on passionate make-out, he always kisses her when he comes home. He smiles at the end of the kiss, pulling her into a hug too.

“I love Fridays,” he whispers, “Edie do you know what Fridays mean?”

She pulls away and sits up, she loves to listen to him. “Friday is the last day of the school week, which means I get to spend 2 whole days with my favourite people now.”

Edie smiled, almost like she understood what he meant, and then she was talking again, it was completely incomprehensible but they imagined she was telling him about her day.

“You forgot the part where we went to the park,” Y/N added.

Cordelia looked at her with wide eyes, “dada,” was the only word she said before babbling on again and they both stopped.

“Did she just?” Spencer was shocked and frozen still after asking.

Y/N sat up and looked right into Cordelia’s eyes, “who is that?” She pointed at Spencer.

“Dada!” She said it again and they were suddenly all squealing, even Cordelia was suddenly excited as she kept screaming dada over and over again.

“Can you say, mom? Or mama? Mummy?” Spencer tried his hardest to find an easy way for her to say it.

“Mumm,” she pushed her lips together to hum her M sound and Spencer was floored, he bounced her up and down a small amount as they cheered.

“Smartest girl in the world!” Spencer cheered her on before pulling her into another hug.

Y/N was crying softly, little tiny dreams that she didn’t even know she had were coming true every single day with them. She knew she wanted to be a mom when she was growing up, all those dreams died when her illness got worse and they all warned her that having kids would put her at risk of being moneyless and that working wasn’t an option to even support them. Let alone the threat of them taking them away just because of her autism or depression possibly being considered ‘too bad’ to care for them.

Spencer took all those fears and he kicked them out. Every day she got to experience the most precious gifts the world had to offer, her daughter was perfect and her husband was incredible. Together they were a perfect little family that ran on trust, love, and communication. Always talking, always hugging, always there for each other.

—

They crawl into bed much later than they expected to. Cordelia didn’t want to go to bed, she was trying her hardest to keep staying awake to spend time with them but eventually, sleep won. They finally placed her in her crib with her white noise and her complete darkness and closed her door for the next few hours of peace.

They both let out a deep sigh before rolling to face one another. “How was your day?” He asks, like always.

“Good,” she smiles, “I think having a kid and getting on her schedule was the best thing I’ve ever done actually, cause I’m sleeping on time, I’m eating when she does and I’m outside a lot more. She’s given me this purpose and it’s rewarding on my body.”

Spencer moves in so he can kiss her nose, “I love hearing that.”

“How was your class today?” She asks back, loving his little stories about all the 17 and 18-year-olds that were fascinated by him. As well as the kids who thought it was cool to try and pick on him before getting the shit verbally kicked out of them in front of the whole class.

It was interesting seeing him in a form of authority, he never really took charge at the BAU, she’s never seen him yell at his friends and he’s never really yelled at her either. He’s been incredibly calm, so to see him verbally tear someone apart by acknowledging their biggest flaws to make sense of why they feel the need to bully, it was pretty intense.

“They were a lot better today, they enjoyed the lesson and the kids that were giving me trouble skipped, I guess he really didn’t appreciate me calling him out that bad on Tuesday,” Spencer smirked, rolling his eyes like he cared.

“I still can’t believe that he thought it was okay to call you names in front of other students, where is the respect these days?”

“Well,” he’s about to do what he always does. He can never be truly mad at someone because he knows why everyone does what they do and that they can’t help it. “In his file, it says his parents are newly divorced, we get a list of all the kids information on the attendance like allergies and things, but also small info like life changes in case they act out.”

“Doesn’t mean he can call you the f slur,” she whispers, “all because you wore a purple shirt?”

“If I met his father I’d probably get an answer for that,” he adds, “if he’s afraid to show his emotions around his son, it’s probably why his son thinks colours are gay.”

It makes her laugh, “you look hot in purple too so I don’t see the problem?”

“Do I?” He teases, getting in even closer and pressing their bodies together.

She rolls her eyes before wrapping her arms around him and leaning forward for a quick kiss, “I think you look sexy all the time.”

He kisses her as a thank you, “I think the same about you.”

“Even when I haven’t showered in 2 days because she cries if she can’t see me and she cries if she gets wet?” Y/N laughed, annoyed but in love with their little monster at the same time.

“Always,” he reminds her. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she kisses him again after.

There are probably a million more things to share from the day, but they spend their time kissing instead. It’s been too long since they’ve just rolled around in the sheets making out like they did in the beginning. Before they ever had sex, before they had kids and a house and a love as strong as they do now.

A part of them missed the early days when everything was new and exciting, but she also loved the fact that they knew each other so well that they didn’t have to communicate anymore. They ran like 1 unit, always completing the other person's thoughts, needs and wants. They were so unbelievably happy.

She wants him badly and he wants her just as much, and he’s about to take her when she pulls back. “Nope, as much as I love her I can’t get pregnant again for at least another year.”

It makes him laugh as he pulls away and rolls over to look through his nightstand for a condom, “it wouldn’t be that bad?”

“You carry it then, seahorse it up,” she teased. “I like being back on my medicine, I need some time to be okay before I go through all that again.”

Once he’s all situated in the latex and back between her legs, he hovers over her, so close that their lips are touching ever so slightly. “I am fine if it’s just the three of us forever.”

“I’m not,” she smiles, “there will be 4 of us one day, just not today.”

With that, she’s pulling him into another kiss as he pushing inside. It’s a feeling she’s accustomed to but will never be used to, it’s a stretch that shouldn’t be as intoxicating as it is. She holds him closer as she plays with his tongue in her mouth.

He was so good at everything he did, especially the sex. He knew every single part of her body now and exactly how to push all her buttons the right way. She could live in the moment of his pumping in and out of her while his thumb circled her clit and his other hand groaned her breasts. Eventually, he kissed down her throat and she was a mess of breathy moans and low gasps.

Writing in the sheets, her legs wrap around him as she tried to pull him in even closer. It was impossible to get closer but he was still too far away, she wanted to absorb him and live in him forever. He was her safe place and she never wanted to be anywhere else.

As her orgasm bubbled, so did his. The both of them gasping and panting, she whined as she breached the edge and gripped his back, “Spence!”

“That’s it, sweetheart,” he whispered before fucking into her harder and faster, pushing her through it as he reached his own.

His movements on her clit never stopped and suddenly one felt like two and she wasn’t sure when the rush was going to stop and she didn’t care when it did. It was powerful, soothing and euphoric. A high she could live in for a while and return to it without problem as long as she had him.

He came with a small moan, trying to keep quiet as he muffled it into her neck, stilling his hips on his last thrust and dropping onto her more. Her hands were all over his back as she pressed kisses to his forehead, coming down but not wanting the love to stop there.

The love was never going to stop there for them. Their love was never-ending, and somehow as she held him there in her arms and felt his breath on his neck, she turned to see the baby monitor with their peaceful child sound asleep down the hall, she loved him even more now somehow.

Loving Spencer Reid was like falling down a bottomless pit. She never knew when she was going to reach the end, but she was content with falling.

smut taglist: @g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria@reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor @blanchardsbk

[drprettyboyspence]

Memory Lane

Dr. Spencer Reid/reader

Summary: Reader just can't seem to get to sleep one night so she decides to walk around the house she shares with her boyfriend, Spencer Reid. As she travels around the house she remembers significant moments in their relationship.

words: 2.9k

warnings: season 12 spoilers, mentioning of mental illness, nothing else to my knowledge! (just a lot of fluff) 

a/n: This is my first Spencer Reid fic and I kinda went off the rails with the word count, let me know if you enjoy it :)

I turn myself over in bed for what feels like the four hundredth time this hour, facing the ceiling now. I can hear the rustling of leaves outside and the distant sirens of the city, remembering how those sounds used to bring me some sort of comfort as a child, now all I can think of is the death and tragedy being an FBI profiler has brought me into contact with, the horrors at the end of the trail of sirens. Mostly noticeably though, I hear the steady breathing of the man lying next to me in the king bed, glancing over at my boyfriend of almost 4 years I smile warmly, his unruly hair draped over the pillow, glad to see him in deep sleep. Recently he hasn’t been sleeping well, suffering from PTSD from his time spent in prison as well as all the trauma the poor man has been through in the last 10 years of his life. I quietly get out of bed, making sure not to bother him, he deserves a good nights sleep and we have to be at the BAU in a depressingly minuscule amount of hours. My feet hit the cold wooden floors and I wonder for the uncountable time “Why did we decide on wooden floors?” A memory of an argument with Spencer answers my question,  

“Because silly, don’t you know that carpets can hold up to 200,000 bacteria per square inch, this room is 100 square feet, 144 square inches per square foot, that is 28,800,000 bacteria in our bedroom alone.” I remember shaking my head at him, he’s always been such a germaphobe. In fact, when we first met, he shook my hand, and later when I confided in JJ and Penelope that I had pretty intense feelings for the resident genius of the BAU, they mentioned that he usually hates shaking hands, is known for refusing to shake the hands of many people the team comes into contact with on cases. He shook my hand right away, it’s one of the things I love about him and we always say we knew right away that we had a special connection. I glance at Spencer’s sleeping frame one more time before leaving the bedroom and making my way down the hallway. There are pictures there, pictures of me and Spence, him and his mom, pictures of the team at work, Spencer won’t admit it often, but he wakes up every morning scared that he won’t remember those he loves, his mother’s dementia and schizophrenia have impacted him greatly. I stop in front of a picture of me and Spence, it’s the first picture we ever took together, Halloween almost 5 years ago now, at the FBI Halloween party.

October 2015

“Come on Y/n! How can you not love Halloween!”

“Spencer, what’s so great about Halloween!” I had asked laughing while filling up a plastic cup with punch. The party is fun, but all this dressing up just seems silly to me sometimes.

“It’s a uniquely American holiday! I mean, despite its obvious origins in the Celtic festival of Samhain and the Christian All Saints’ Day, it really is a melting pot of various immigrants’ traditions and beliefs. It became a little more commercialized in the 1950s with trick-or-treat, and today it rivals only Christmas in terms of popularity!” I catch JJ’s eyes from across the room, she gives me a sympathetic look as I’m stuck in another of Reid’s constant statistics rants. Frankly, I don’t understand how the rest of the team can cut Reid off when he’s like this. He’s so genuinely excited by this holiday it makes my budding feelings for the man standing in front of me even stronger.

“Aw you guys look so cute! Say cheese!” the always-hyper voice of Penelope Garcia shouts from across the bullpen, snapping a quick picture of me and Spence before running after Derek. I glance down at my phone and see a text from Penelope “It doesn’t take a profiler to realize how gone you are for him Y/n” I blush profusely before continuing my conversation with Spencer.

Present day

Tearing my eyes away from that specific picture, I continue walking to the end of the hallway, painfully aware that the floorboards are squeaking with my every step, hoping Spencer’s just-finished-a-case level of exhaustion will prevent him from waking up. I pass the threshold into the kitchen and see the dim light of the clock over the stove, the red 2:15 blinking back at me through my tired eyes, I just can’t seem to get to sleep tonight, I’m sure Spencer would say something like

“Chronic insomnia is usually tied to an underlying mental or physical issue. Anxiety, stress, and depression are some of the most common causes of chronic insomnia but even if you do not suffer from chronic insomnia, 35% of Americans report their sleep quality as poor or only fair.” Dating a living encyclopedia definitely has its perks I suppose. I walk towards the fridge and glance at the refrigerator, my eyes traveling to a postcard held up by a doctor who magnet. Houston, Texas the postcard reads.

February 2017

Me and Spencer had been dating for less than 6 months but as we had known each other for over a year I was falling head over heels in love with him. The last few months hadn’t been easy, Spencer learned that his mother had been diagnosed with dementia and not a day had gone by where he didn’t try and find a cure, he had been traveling to Houston,Texas to talk with his mother’s doctor, he then brought her to live with him in Virginia, it had been difficult to say the least. My fingers traced the edges of the postcard I had received in the mail this morning, then flipped it over and saw Spencer’s familiar scraggly handwriting, it read

Dear Y/n,

I was able to speak with my mother’s doctors today, I feel as though there must be more I can be doing, she seems to be responding to the medicines but I am looking into new methods of treating the disease. I miss you so much Y/n, and I miss the rest of the team as well, tell them I will be back as soon as I can, I hate the thought of you putting yourself in danger on cases without me there, not because I doubt your ability to protect yourself, but because I doubt my ability to handle being 1,402 miles away from you. Please do not worry about me, if you’re anxiously awaiting my return, stop looking at the clock because remember, when looking at a clock our brains anticipate what we’ll see faster than we actually see it, so the clock seems to stop, Ill be back before you know it Y/n.

With all my love, Spencer Reid.

I giggle quietly at the added facts, only Spencer would describe the phenomenon of a clock appearing stopped when glanced out. I’m concerned about Spencer though, I’m not sure what is going on, but there is definitely something not right with him and if I didn’t trust him so much I would consider asking Garcia to do a background check to check the legitimacy of his travels to Houston.

Present Day

This postcard is extremely bittersweet, the next week we were all rushing to Mexico, responding to a call that Spencer was in jail, I was a nervous wreck, we all were, it was an extremely rough 6 months, truly showing me how strong the man I love is. I push some of those harsh memories out of my brain, choosing to focus on the happy memories if I ever want to fall asleep tonight. There’s a coffee machine next to the fridge, if there’s one thing Spencer loves more than me, its coffee, or rather coffee flavored sugar with the amount of sweetener he puts in his cup every day. Spencer smells like coffee, almost always, he struggles to sleep most nights and therefore is always hyped up on caffeine. It's actually played a huge role in our relationship.

August 2016

Dr. Spencer Reid and I are walking to the BAU together as we do every single day, we live close to each other, close enough that he walks about 5 minutes before arriving at my house, we then walk to the coffee shop on the way to the train station. We’re best friends, but I’ve been secretly in love with him for months. Walking into Quantico, we get the daily glances from Penelope, Derek, and JJ who are sitting together looking at pictures of Henry. Penelope always teases me that we’re both so in love with each other that everyone can see it but us, it’s ironic actually. As much as I don’t believe Pen, I have been noticing small changes in Spence’s behavior the last couple months, prompting me to, in the deepest corners of my mind, hope that maybe he feels the same way, our friendship is worth too much to risk him not feeling the same way though, so I’m forever stuck. We aren’t on a case right now, so there’s a lot of paperwork to be done, at one point during the day I get up, asking Spence if he wants another cup of coffee before walking to the break room. I return after a brief 5 minutes and am surprised to see Derek sitting in my seat, arguing with Spencer.

“Come on Pretty boy! We both know you’re in love with her! Just ask her out man, she’ll say yes!”

“Morgan, quiet down, she’ll be back any minute, besides I’m 35 and Y/n is 32, I’m not saying there would even be a chance that we would get married but the marriage success rate in the United States is only 50%, the worst it has ever been, that therefore shows the state of relationships in the country as well, I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I could never lose her. Besides, I’ve never been good with women.”

“But that’s the thing pretty boy, you don’t have to be good with women, you’re already good with Y/n, she’s the one who matters, just ask her out man, you’ll regret it if you don’t.” With that Morgan walks away and I take a deep breath, its now or never, walking over to Spencer and setting down the cup, whispering in his ear,

“You never know how good with women you are until you try, Spence” He looks up at me with wide eyes and licks his tongue across his lips, something he does often.

“Um, Y/n, y-you heard all of that?” I nod and I can see Spence take a deep breath just as I did before walking over, “W-would you like to um- go to dinner with me Y/n?”

“Hmm I don’t know…” Spencer’s face starts to fall as I quickly continue “Of course I would love to go to dinner with you silly, what did you think?” His smile lights up the entire room as he pulls me into a deep hug.

“Well finally you two. You couldn’t have waited just a few more months though, I assumed you lovebirds wouldn’t get it together until after Spencer’s birthday” Rossi says from behind us, passing a pretty hefty stack of bills to Penelope.

That was the day that started the greatest adventure of my life.

Present Day

I leave the kitchen and walk to the living room, a chilly breeze blows my hair slightly askew, its June in Virginia, warm enough that all I’m wearing is one of Spence’s oversized MIT shirts with pajama shorts, but the night air causes slight goosebumps on my skin, sending me into my memories once again.

August 2019

Spencer and I are sitting on the couch, participating in yet another Doctor Who marathon on the tv, it's a rare day off from work and the hot summer air fills our living room even with the fan blowing through the house. I lie my head in Spencer’s lap as we watch the tv and his strong hand strokes the back of my neck, causing goosebumps to pop up all over my arms. I giggle and glance up at him causing him to pointedly look at me asking me with his eyes “What is so funny that you dare distract from Doctor Who?”

“It’s just strange, its 95 degrees outside but your hands on my neck give me goosebumps like its a crisp fall day, isn’t that funny baby?”

“Of course the most common cause of goosebumps is cold weather, but when you’re experiencing extreme emotions, the human body responds in a variety of ways. Two common responses include increased electrical activity in the muscles just under the skin and increased depth or heaviness of breathing, resulting in goosebumps.” I roll my eyes at him and playfully swat his hair out of his eyes.

“Only you, Dr. Spencer Reid, would take a romantic statement and turn it into statistics, and I love you for that” he kisses me and well, the Doctor Who marathon was quickly turned off after that.

Present Day

As I turn the corner into the living room I smile warmly, it’s the room that Spencer and I like the best. There are book cases lining the back wall, Spencer loves books, I’d ask him what made his books so special and he’d tell me stories of his childhood, his mom reading him 15th century literature, I loved when Spence told me stories about his childhood.

December 2017

I knocked on the door of Spencer’s apartment, it wasn’t like him to be late for our daily walk to work especially because he had been on probation after his time in jail. I received no answer, prompting my concern as I unlocked the door with the key he had given me. I walked into his living room and saw him, Spencer was sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by books, running his fingers up and down the pages as he does when he’s reading at his top speed.

“Spence what on earth are you doing! Where did all these books come from? We aren’t on a case are we?”

“This year in the United States alone there have been 328,259 new books published, I read at 20,000 words per minute but at an average of 100,000 words per book, it would take me 27,377 hours to read all those books!”

“Oh Spencer how I love you, you don’t need to read every book ever published, are you going to start reading romance novels?” I tease while picking up a copy of 50 Shades of Gray from the ground at Spencer’s feet.

“Okay maybe you’re right, I just feel like I missed so much time when I was incarcerated, all that reading I could’ve done when I was trapped in that place, it's time I can never get back.”

“Spencer, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you, but this is not going to help that feeling go away, let’s go to work.” Spencer nodded and began to tidy up the floor before following me out the door.

“Wait, Y/n, I have to ask you something that I’ve meant to say since I’ve gotten out of jail, and I might as well say it now, will you move in with me?” He’s chewing on his bottom lip again and I jump into his arms in excitement, kissing his hair as he caresses the back of my head.

“Of course I’ll move in with you! I love you, Dr. Spencer Reid.”

“And I love you Y/n Y/l/n.”

Present Day

I’m coming around to the opposite side of the living room now, sitting down on the couch in front of the fireplace. I love the fireplace in our house and I think secretly Spencer does too. We argued for days over the safety of having a fireplace in our house, Spencer of course supplied with enough knowledge of house fires to last him 5 lifetimes, “But Spencer it’ll be so cozy, doesn’t it sound romantic to cuddle up by the fire?” I had pleaded with him the day we toured the house for the first time.

“Y/n, there were an average of 357,400 residential fires per year in the US between 2012 and 2014, an average of 22,300 of those fires were caused by a fireplace or chimney!”

“But Spenceee, that’s only 6.24% of the residential house fires during that period, 43.9% were from cooking equipment, are you going to forbid us from having a kitchen too?” Hey, don’t underestimate how useful a cellphone calculator and a quick google search can be in winning an argument against your genius boyfriend. Obviously, we had ended up agreeing on the fireplace, but Spencer was still overly cautious whenever it was in use. As I stood in front of the fireplace I became hyper aware of the floorboards creaking in the hallway just as they had done when I left the room earlier, I felt a presence enter the room and the 6’1” frame of my boyfriend wrapped his long arms around me from behind while burying his face in the hollow of my shoulder.

“Hi, baby, what are you doing up so late? Are you feeling okay? Can’t seem to get to sleep?” I nod back at him and recline my head so it rests on his strong chest.

“I was just taking a trip down memory lane I suppose” I say before smiling up at the love of my life.

[razorblade180]

Nothing to worry about

After many, many attempts to decode the data to find Sora, Riku was spent. A thought came to him that maybe if he messed with data with the difficulties all the way up, then something might change. It had to be his third day screwing up on the same attacks over and over again. He didn’t remember fighting the organization to be this hard! Riku was a prideful guy that managed to beat most of them but enough was enough! He had been stuck on one obstacle for far too long and his hands hurt from hitting the wall the one time he rage quit. It was time to bring in backup, and he knew just the people…

Xion:You want me to want?

Riku:Beat data Xion for me. You’re too strong.

Roxas:It’s a computer…

Axel:Dude, you don’t get to say that when you smash computers instead of pressing keys.

Saix:You What?

Riku:Focus!!! I called you specifically because you’ve fought Xion, fought Sora, and some of you have done both while technically being connected to Sora; so you know how to play him well.

Axel:I feel like you’re missing people.

Riku:People are busy. You are the only ones that are still around a lot.

Xion:Am I really that tough?

Riku:Painfully.

Xion:Hmmm. I’m not sure how I feel about fighting myself. Something about it feels...depressing.

Axel:I’ll do it. I’m great at games! Plus we’ve fought a bunch of times! I know your moves.

Xion:But you lost…

Axel:Still learned them! *sits down* Watch the master!

That was the statement he made. It’s been three hours since Axel had that confidence. Now he was face down on the bed in the committee room along with Riku. If he heard “why do you fight” one more time, he’d lose his mind.

Axel:Since when do you bounce around like a ball of light!?

Roxas:Why are you surprised? I do it all the time.

Axel:I don’t even understand how you do it!!!

Saix:I can’t believe you didn’t even get half health.

Axel:Think you can do better!?

Saix:Nope, but I won’t act like I can to look cool. Xion, I’ve never seen you do half of the things that program does. Is it an exaggeration or…?

Xion:No, it’s possible. Doing all of that just makes me tired.

Saix:...(I never stood a chance in that graveyard. Then again I try not to go full berserk for the same reason.)

Roxas:My turn! I’m not exactly thrilled about fighting any version of you but helping Sora is the goal here. I just hope Cid didn’t program all of your armors. Not a big fan of the second one or you being the size of the central station tower.

Xion:*red* Hehehe...yeah that was pretty wild.

RAS:You can do what…?”

The change of players was getting better results. Roxas was in his third attempt when he started getting a good rhythm. Watching Axel helped, but there was something else. A weird six sense. Riku was right about him controlling Sora, it felt natural. Battling data Xion was the same. The way he predicted her movements were scarily good.

Axel:Wow, look at you go.

Roxas:Sssshhh, I need focus. I wanna do this as fast as possible. It might be data but hurting Xion feels wrong.

Xion:*red* Roxas…

The man makes it to the desperation move. It’s the second time he’s made it here and he wished data Xion had the armors instead! He didn’t last long before another game over screen. Everyone groaned while Roxas rested his head on the wooden desk.

Roxas:Gah! I can’t even begin to understand those patterns. Your columns of light move way too wildly!

Riku:I hate the fact that if you recover from a strike raid then the next one is delayed to change your rhythm! Why are you so smart Xion?

Xion:Sora does that too. It’s how to survive relentless attacks sometimes. I’ve told you all the timing so-

Roxas:Xion, I really don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but you might as well grab the controller. The only person who knows you, is you.

Xion:And Ven, and Namine, you, Sora, Kai- fine I’ll give it a try!

Riku:Thank you.

Xion died immediately going into the fight. All eyes looked at her in disbelief as her face got red.

Xion:I wasn’t ready! Let me get a few warm up rounds in! I have never done anything like this. Roxas, can you go back to Twilight Town and get a small white bag in the usual spot?

Roxas:Okay.

A few warm up rounds turned into a dozen. Riku even saw her scroll through the settings once or twice. Then she wouldn’t do the fight right away. Instead she’d press bottoms to see how Sora reacted and fast. He didn’t want to be antsy but a piece of him wanted to try again. Riku went over to ask when Roxas came through the door to hand her the bag. Xion ran the program again. She reached in the bag as it loaded and pulled out something Riku didn’t know she still had. Her organization gloves.

Riku:You kept those?

Xion:Gripping a keyblade barehanded feels weird. So does messing with computers…

Data Xion:Why do you f-

Xion:Yeah we know the line…

Riku never considered himself good at things like video games or computers, but he didn’t think he was bad either. That was until he watched Xion start moving her fingers faster than he could keep track off. The whole room was silent except for the sound of clicking. Data Sora was moving at speeds and performing tricks Riku and the others didn’t even know about. He wasn’t getting hit at all!!! Axel could quietly hear Xion mumble numbers. A set amount when she attacked, and then a different set when the data version did. The sets kept resting and ending differently depending on what weapon she used or magic. He couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

Axel:H-How?

Xion:How what?

Roxas:How are you doing this!?

Xion:Like you and Riku said. I know me, as well as Sora. I’m only gonna get hit so many times before I find a chance to counter. Also, there’s only so many moves you can program. It’s still just code!

She made it sound so easy, yet Riku. Can only think about how many times late last night he couldn’t figure out a single time to appropriately heal or attack. Yet here Xion is, perfect blocking and interrupting the desperation move. She even found time to take a picture before delivering the final blow!

Xion:Boom! Easy!

Riku:FINALLY!

Saix:You really should’ve gone first.

Xion:But it was thanks to you guys that I was able to watch and learn without stressing out. It was a group effort. I guess we’re done here. Thanks Riku, that was kinda fun. *stands up*

Riku:Ummm haven’t beaten master Xehanort either. Do you think maybe….

Xion:*Sits down* You owe one for this.

Riku:I know a good spot to find the best seashells.

Xion:Deal!

The crew let her get to work on the baldy while they occupied their time. Half an hour passed before they sat around a table eating. Riku looked over to see Xion learning how to deal with every move possible. It looked impossible. Most of the organization did. Another game over screen appeared and Riku sighed.

Axel:You alright champ?

Riku:It might be data, but seeing Sora lose is depressing. I hope he’s alright.

Roxas:Why wouldn’t he be?

Riku:He’s not the luckiest guy. Danger might as well be a spell when it comes to Sora. All of these data fights made me realize just how dangerous the organization really was. The thought of him running into something or someone as dangerous as that alone doesn’t sit well with me.

Everyone:......

Roxas:You know Riku, you can be pretty dumb sometimes.

Riku:Huh!?

Xion:Roxas!

Roxas:What!? All I’m saying is you would think after seeing a program based off of him successfully beat crazy strong people like Xion that you’d have the most faith in his skills. I mean who else do you know has enough different moves to handle so many kinds of fighters?

Riku:....Heh, thanks Roxas.

Roxas:*red* Yeah whatever. Just stating the obvious.

Axel:Yeah! Sora’s alright. I mean he was able to beat me after all.

Saix: If that’s the bar then maybe we should worry.

Axel:Hey!

Xion:I mean we did tie when I was tired.

Roxas:I beat you with amnesia.

Riku:Sora did too.

Axel:Who’s side are you on! This is the thanks I get for trying to cheer you up? Cut me some slack.

The friends shared a good laugh teasing Axel. Even he couldn’t help but join in on it. Riku should know better than anybody just how capable Sora is.

(Wherever you are, I’m sure you’re just fine.)

xxxx

Fine was the appropriate word to describe it. If a Riku or the others used anything more positive then they surely would’ve bit their tongue. If only they could see their friend right now, dodging and struggling on a rooftop under a starry sky dome. A swarm of gigas closed in on our young hero to overwhelm him, but to avail. Sora whipped out a storm flag and slammed it on the ground to summon the watery beast of the seven seas. It’s tentacles whacked away and crushed the gigas flat. Now wasn’t a time to rest though. Yozora, his opponent, wasn’t done yet. Sora saw rapid flashes of red lock in on him and switched to the counter shield.

He hyped himself “Come on!” Spurs shouted. The first attack came from the left, then right. Four more were dead on before another six ferocious slashes came from the left. Collision after collision conjured sparks that lit up the impacts of each attack. Yozora finally thought he had an opening to stab from behind but was sorely mistaken when Sora had already pivoted already and unleashed a barrage of fists that knocked Yazora in the air. Sora leaped up to follow up with a change into the second form. “Get back here!” He pulled his opponent back in with a magnet burst then went right into an ars arcanum. Blades clashed faster than anyone could keep up with before Sora’s ferocity gave him an edge that turned into full blown hits that ended with him spiking Yozora to the ground. As he fell, Sora was shot in the back by a laser that sent him to the metal floor behind. He had no time to dodge the cross slash that connected against his chest. He watched Yozora vanish and switched right into ultimate form to do the same.

This disappearing and reappearing act made their sparks seem more like fireworks. Crackles and pops

Danced up and down the battlefield as each person kept attempting to warp for both offense and defense until Yozora got the better of Sora by trapping in an exploding prism that launched Sora sky high. Yozora finally had room to breath and could plant fis feet long enough to charge his blade. He watched his target recover mid air and unless a salvo of fireballs with double arrow guns. A good idea if it wasn’t so far away that is. “Sorry but-huh!?” A blue light washed over Sora and propelled him directly at Yozora with his attack. Yozora was quick enough to slash Sora away but decided to pull back by backflipping the fireballs; a big mistake. He had underestimated Sora’s speed. Before he could even reach the ground, Sora was already in front of him again. This time with a massive rocket propelled hammer that hit him in the direction of the fireballs. The magic projectiles curved midair to hope in on his location and blasted him right in the chin. This was bad, really bad. To think he’d have this much trouble with someone who looked so clueless moments ago. He had to switch things up and vanished again.

Sora switched to nano arms and stood perfectly still. “Three….four….” he pulled a barrier right as a glimmer of red formed into Yazora that blasted some strange wide shots from his crossbow before vanishing again. Sora turned the machines into yo-yos next and swung straight. “There!” Yozora appeared right as expected and hit dead on. Sora pulled himself to wards and shifted to his frozen blades for additional slashes.

“You’re Just full of surprises aren’t you!?” Yozora grimaced.

“Don’t Give me that look! I didn’t want to fight!” Sora went for a kick but was too slow. Yozora managed to warp behind Sora and summoned a massive red orb that started pulling everything into it.

“Let’s see how you dodge this one.” Yozora turned up the pressure and started warping as fast as possible at Sora again and again, cutting and slashing him cleanly to knock him off balance until Yozora delivered one more powerful slash across his body that sent Sora flying into the orb. He quickly up to it and glided his blade along it to trigger a massive explosion that made Sora scream. Smoke and fire filled the air for a moment. That was a move not even Yozora himself was too good at avoiding. Nobody was gonna get it right from the jump.

Finally, the battle was over. It was longer than expected but the end result was the same. “Sorry, but I don’t lose-” Another shockwave from the explosion accorded suddenly and dispersed the smoke. That’s never happened before. Yozora shielded his eyes and scanned the ground, no Sora. Just black puddles. He dared not walk closer to them when they started to increase in size until a bigger one formed near his feet and Sora hopped out with glowing eyes and drenched in darkness. “This guy…” Yozora mistakenly readied a block for the keyblade as was then punched by Sora’s free hand, throwing him off and into a world of rageful attacks he had no choice but to receive. Sora was fast, too fast. The patterns seemed random. It was impossible to know what to look out for with the addition of kicks thrown in as Sora instinctively warp in numerous spots to bat Yazora around. Any attempt to escape the loop was met with a primal roar that kept the loop going until one final monstrous attack came. Sora went right through Yozora and into the ground. Strange black orbs rose up from bigger pools of black from earlier and detonated repeatedly, leaving Yozora no room to escape.

What was once a dark night turned into blinding light as Sora once again appeared above Yozora’s falling body in a new form; and with two blades. It was hard for him to understand what happened next. All he could see was light and feel the pain it inflicted everywhere as pillars of them struck down around Sora, who remained airborne and glowing. A look of pure grit on his face as he shouted.

“I guess...my power isn’t needed after all.”

xxxx

Xion:I beat him! But...I don’t think there’s anything here that might help. Sorry Riku. I know you wanna find him as soon as possible.

Riku:Hmmm, that’s alright. *smiles* Wherever he is...I’m sure he’s doing just fine.

[nitrateglow]

Favorite film discoveries of 2019

Every year, my new-to-me favorites list always shocks me in some way. This year, the sheer amount of movies made in the 2010s on display is INSANE by my standards. Of course, most of the modern movies here are throwbacks or tributes to older styles of cinema, so maybe it’s not that shocking in the long run.

Another running trend this year: movies that are old but not as dated as we would wish. Many of the older films here deal with xenophobia and political strife in ways that still feel shockingly prescient today-- the more things change...

ONCE UPON A TIME... IN HOLLYWOOD (DIR. QUENTIN TARANTINO, 2019)

I never thought the day would come where my favorite movie of the year would actually be made after the 1970s, let alone by Quentin Tarantino. Then again, this movie is all about the end of Old Hollywood as well as a big love letter to the 1960s, so maybe it’s not that shocking a state of affairs. I adored this movie, the level of detail, the laidback yet elegaic vibe, the comedy and the relationships between all the characters. It was one of those movies where I loved even the scenes where nothing seems to be happening at all-- I mean, who knew Brad Pitt feeding his dog and watching TV could be entertaining?? But it is and I can't wait to see this one again!

INTENTIONS OF MURDER (DIR. SHOHEI IMAMURA, 1964)

Intentions of Murder has an insane premise, one that runs the risk of being tasteless: a housewife in a miserable, exploitative marriage is raped by a sickly burglar during a home invasion. Even worse, she can’t shake him, as he’s suddenly infatuated and wants her to run away with him to the city. And weirder still: her current existence is so miserable that she’s TEMPTED. While abuse and rape are grim subjects for any story, Intentions is actually about a woman coming into her own and finally standing strong against all these men trying to use her. It’s a weird blend of drama and dark comedy, a truly savage satire on patriarchy and class-snobbery.

JOKER (DIR. TODD PHILLIPS, 2019)

I went into this movie expecting to think it was overhyped and when I first left the theater, I was all ready to say “it’s good but not THAT good.” But it ended up haunting me for weeks afterward, and I found myself thinking about how everything just tied up so well together, from the grotty urban hellscape which serves as the setting to Phoenix’s brilliant performance. It reminded me a lot of A Clockwork Orange in how intimate it lets you get to this violent man while never pretending he is someone to be glamorized or imitated.

SIMON (DIR. MARSHALL BRICKMAN, 1980)

How do I even describe Simon? Alan Arkin is brainwashed by a group of overpaid intellectuals into believing he is descended from an alien toaster. Then he gets a messiah complex and starts gathering disciples as he rails against television, condiment packets, and muzak. It’s a little uneven at times, sure, but the satire is really inspired. The whole thing is like a combination of Mel Brooks, Stanley Kubrick, and Woody Allen’s styles, and it is quite hilarious for those who thrive on cult oddities.

PEEPING TOM (DIR. MICHAEL POWELL, 1960)

Though it came out the same year as Hitchcock’s Psycho and has been nearly as influential for horror cinema, Peeping Tom remains underseen by everyone save for film theorists. And what a shame that is, because this movie is more frightening than Psycho. Sure, that may be because Psycho is so predominant in popular culture and just so influential that it no longer has the same shock value, but there’s something about Peeping Tom that gets under my skin, something sad, even disgusting. I felt dirty after watching it-- and this is 2019!

MIDNIGHT MARY (DIR. WILLIAM WELLMAN, 1933)

Loretta Young got one of her juiciest roles in this pre-code crime drama. Her Mary Martin is more than just a good girl forced into criminal circles-- she’s a complicated creature, compassionate and desperate and lonely and bitter and sensual all at once. This movie is a fast-paced, beautifully filmed ride, cloaked in that Depression-era cynicism that makes pre-code Hollywood of such interest to movie geeks the world over.

WILD BOYS OF THE ROAD (DIR. WILLIAM WELLMAN, 1933)

Wild Boys of the Road is a quintessential Depression-era movie, relentless in its bleakness and rage. That the main characters are all starving kids only looking for work makes their struggles all the harder to watch. William Wellman is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors: his gritty style and compact storytelling are just perfect for a ripped-from-the-headlines drama such as this. And the “happy” ending has one little moment that just knocks any smile you have right off your mug. Absolutely see this.

THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING (DIR. NORMAN JEWISON, 1966)

Sometimes, when you watch a movie only because a favorite actor is in it, you get subjected to pure trash like Free and Easy (oh, the things I do for Buster Keaton). Other times, you get cute gems like The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming, which, as you probably guessed, I mainly sought out for Alan Arkin. But the whole movie is hilarious, the best kind of farce comedy, populated by enjoyable characters and a sweet-tempered humanism that grounds the wackiness. While a little overlong, this movie is quite underrated-- and sadly, its satire of American xenophobia and Cold War panic is not as dated as we would like to believe.

ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN (DIR. ALAN J. PAKULA, 1976)

Who knew a political thriller where most people know the twist could be so intense and riveting? It’s about as nonsensical as feeling suspense when you watch a movie about the Titanic and hope the boat won’t sink-- but damn, it’s magical. All the President’s Men is real white-knuckle stuff, with Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman projecting both youthful excitement and deep panic as they proceed with their investigation. It scarcely seems to have aged at all.

WHISPER OF THE HEART (DIR. YOSHIFUMI KONDOU, 1995)

There’s a scene near the end of Whisper of the Heart where the protagonist Shizuku shows the finished first draft of her fantasy novel to her first reader, the grandpa of one of her schoolmates. She weeps because it isn’t the perfect image she had in her head, despite how hard she worked on it, but the old man tells her that it takes polishing and discipline to make the work come to its full potential. Few movies about artists are so honest about how hard it can be, how unsupportive others can be in their demand that everyone be “practical.” As a writer who struggles to create and constantly doubts herself, this movie spoke strongly to me. I recommend it to any creative person.

THE PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE (DIR. BRIAN DE PALMA, 1976)

I’d been wanting to see this movie since my high school phan days. Holy crap, is it WEIRDER than I could have ever imagined, a true camp masterpiece. I’m shocked it was never tuned into a stage show actually, but then again, we would miss those trippy camera angles and we wouldn’t have Paul Williams as one of the greatest villains of all time.

DUEL (DIR. STEVEN SPIELBERG, 1971)

When people talk about the best movies made in the “Hitchcock without Hitchcock directing” tradition, why is Duel so seldom mentioned? The scene in the cafe, packed with paranoid tension and tense camerawork, alone should qualify it. Duel is most known as the movie which put the young Steven Spielberg on the map. It’s quite different from his later work, grittier and less whimsical for sure. Even the ending seems almost nihilistic, depending on how you view it. But damn, if it isn’t fine filmmaking.

CAROL (DIR. TODD HAYNES, 2015)

This gorgeous throwback to Douglas Sirk melodramas is also one of the best romantic movies I’ve seen in a while. Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara have the sweetest, tenderest chemistry-- it was like seeing Lauren Bacall and Audrey Hepburn as love interests in a film. Unlike Sirk, there is little in the way of ripe melodrama here-- everything is underplayed, aching, mature. And I can say this is an adaptation that is better than the source book: it just feels so much warmer.

12 ANGRY MEN (DIR. SIDNEY LUMET, 1957

All I can say is that this was every bit equal to the hype. Common movie wisdom says people sitting and talking in a room is going to be boring on film, but movies like 12 Angry Men prove this is not so when you’ve got an excellently tense atmosphere, an inspired script, and a stable of fine actors to work with. Like The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming, this movie has not significantly aged-- much to society’s discredit.

A STAR IS BORN (DIR. GEORGE CUKOR, 1954)

Another movie I went into not expecting to love as much as I did. When movies from the 20s or 30s tended to get remakes in the 1950s, I always find them too garish and big, victims of glossy Cinemascope and overlong runtimes. Compared to the lean 1937 classic original, I expected sheer indulgence from this three-hour remake. Instead, I got my heart torn out all over again-- the longer runtime is used well, fleshing out the characters to a greater degree. Judy Garland and James Mason both give what might be the best efforts of their respective careers, and the satire of the celebrity machine remains as relevant and scathing as ever.

BLANCANIEVES (DIR. PABLO BERGER, 2012)

Oh, it feels like this movie was made for me specifically. It’s shot in gorgeous, expressionistic black-and-white. It’s set in the 1920s. It’s a clever adaptation of a classic fairy tale. It’s as funny and charming as it is bittersweet and macabre. Instead of more superhero movies, can we get more neo-silent movies like this? PLEASE?

THE FAVOURITE (DIR. YORGOS LANTHIMOS, 2018)

I’ve heard The Favourite described as a “bitchy lesbian Shakespeare play,” but this description, while a little true in terms of general tone, does not get to the heart of what makes this film brilliant. More than love or sex, this movie is about power-- particularly the corrupting influence of power. And it corrupts not only morals but love itself. Innocents become Machiavellian schemers. Lovers become sadomasochistic enemies. Good intentions turn to poison. This certainly isn’t a happy movie, but it is moving and, strangely enough, also hilarious. I was reminded of the chilly, satirical world of Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon more than once-- and for me, that is not a bad movie to be reminded of.

ON THE WATERFRONT (DIR. ELIA KAZAN, 1954)

Another classic that’s been on my list forever that I was delighted to find worthy of its reputation. It’s a classic tale of redemption and social justice, perfectly acted and shot. While I still prefer A Streetcar Named Desire as far as Kazan is concerned, this might be a better movie in the objective sense. Actually, more than even Brando, Karl Malden is the acting highlight for me-- he plays a priest torn between staying silent or truly speaking for the Gospel by demanding justice for the poor parish he serves. Just brilliant work.

KLUTE (DIR. ALAN J. PAKULA, 1971)

A perfect thriller, just about, and a great example of the “NYC is hell on earth” subgenre of the 1960s and 1970s. Jane Fonda is a revelation: she feels so real, not at all like a starlet trying to seem normal if you know what I mean.

KISS KISS BANG BANG (DIR. SHANE BLACK, 2005)

As far as subversive noir goes, this is the most entertaining. I would put it up there with The Big Lebowski as far as goofy takes on Raymond Chandler are concerned-- I don’t even really know what to make of it, but I laughed my ass off anytime I wasn’t going “WHAT???”

What were your favorite film discoveries in 2019?

[tdotsspot]

2020.....

Wow, it’s been almost TWO years since I've posted anything on here. I’ve thought about it from time to time, but never sat to actually say anything. I just looked at my last two posts....so funny. This is why I'll probably always keep this....just to look back, see where I was, who I was.

But back to 2020 bc HONESTLY this year is the one to go. down. in the mother. fucking. books. 

2019 was literally the best year of my life. It was the year I did the most traveling, the year I made the most money...it was like, perfect until the end. I went to Puerto Rico and St Thomas....Atlanta, Boston of course, MARTHA’S VINEYARD FINALLY and even though I've been there 100 times, this was the absolute best. Of course having Dameo was a plus, getting to show him my childhood summers, but Unc let me use the Mercedes which I legit fell in love with, we met Danny Glover which was crazy, I got the brass ring on my first try lol, and we had a lot of good food. LA, was amazing, I miss it so much....NY.....I feel like I’m missing a city, oh yes, dc! That was a fun drunk night.

Late November for Britt’s bday we all went out and that was the first time I was ever real life drunk around his fam, but it was so much fun. The next week....nana passed. It was sad, weird....I hadn’t lost someone in a really long time, and I was there to see some of her last lucid moments. We definitely got closer over the last two years or so since I visited her a good amount, and it made me more sad than I thought. I’m glad I got to have those moments with her, it was cool to get a grandmother again. Made me miss nanny a lot though...

A few weeks later, we found out I was pregnant! It was planned, we were excited although tbh I was kind of freaking out. A baby??? Like a whole ass human? No more weed, liquor, or runny eggs??? HOW SWAY! I don’t think I was ready yet, and a few weeks after that, RIGHT before Christmas, RIGHT before we were going to tell the family, I had a miscarriage. Goodness, I really wasn’t ready for that, at all. Obviously it’s common, but I never thought I’d have one....I was healthy, in a healthy relationship....happy....how the hell did this happen? Unfortunately we already told our moms at that time, partially to help cheer ang, and I knew my mom would be hype as well. I knew it was early, but I told some close friends as well. The pain I felt from that, I just didn't really expect. It was, really sad....I delayed our trip to Boston twice because I really just couldn’t bring myself to leave the bed and sit on a train for 6 hours. I almost canceled altogether but KNOWING NOW THAT THE FUCKING WORLD WAS GOING TO SHUT DOWN, I'm really glad we still went. It was reassuring to get my hugs from my mom, cry it out with her, and see the fam. Except Kendall was such a douche that visit *rolls eyes*. I did get to go see the friends pop up which LEGIT made my whole holiday. As such a huge fan, it was AMAZING, simply, amazing, and I got to enjoy it with my two older cousins and of course, the Dame. 

So that brings us to the new year of 2020. 2020 the year I think EVERYONE thought was going to be amazing, and maybe it will be. Maybe everything that’s going on albeit sad, overwhelming, insane....is in fact the year we all really needed. The Amazon was on fire, forever and as someone who truly cares about global warming that was super stressful. We almost had WWIII thanks to good old Trump, but boy oh boy....that was just the tip of the iceberg. A few weeks later AGAIN, I call my dr telling them I still haven’t gotten my period, my boobs hurt, and wtf is going on? She tells me to take another pregnancy test, which I thought was a joke because I JUST had a miscarriage weeks before, and yes we had sex, but we were ‘careful’. COME TO FIND OUT, my ass is pregnant again. I was, very confused...a little upset because I was planning on waiting a bit before trying for real again. I mean we just dealt with so much loss between nana and the miscarriage, I hadn’t even fully processed what my body just went through. I remember angrily buying the test because, those shits aren’t cheap.....peeing with the door open with Dame downstairs, (not at ALL romantic like the first time I told him) and looking down like....wait. “WHAT THE FUCK” about 3 times was said, I explained to dame this indeed does say I’m pregnant, but how?? 

30 minutes later, the world finds out Kobe Bryant died. There were a lot of emotions that day for sure. Even though I wasn’t a die hard Kobe fan or anything, for some reason this one really made me sad. Maybe because I was currently listening to a book his personal coach wrote; relentless....which is REALLY fucking good.

A week later, I'm confirmed via bloodwork that I am indeed pregnant and it’s time for take two! I didn't get excited until I passed my first trimester, just in case...but now at almost 26 weeks, I’m really excited to meet her. My babygirl! It’s still wild to know I’m about to be a mom, but I’m really pumped for both of us and I know we’ll make great parents. 

Ah yes, the mid march, covid 19 hits America. I was supposed to go on a three city tour to the west coast which I was very much looking forward to, before the world stopped. In fact, it was that very weekend, right after we had our ultrasound, the first and only visit Dame was allowed to come in, that everything stopped. A week or so later, a mid level of depression kicked in for me, which lasted about a month. I couldn’t believe that after WEEKS of puking and being dead ass tired, I was finally ready to work again, but I was Essentially unemployed. The west coast gig was a cute check, I had multiple events coming up that got canceled....weddings that got postponed, and all I could think about was I’m about to have a kid with no money. I went almost two entire months without making ANY money....luckily unemployment kicked in and I got a couple of grants I applied for because I really don’t know what I would’ve done. My mom of course was in my corner, and Dame would start working from home, but still fully employed so at least we wouldn’t be homeless. I knew there were hundreds of thousands of people in my boat, if not worse but I couldn’t help but be consumed with not making any money, and my 2020 year essentially being wiped out. 

Again, this was supposed to be MY year. Be a parent, make a lot of money, and I felt like I just fell flat on my face, in mud, and was suffocating. 

America’s approach to covid was trash, more and more people died...I was worried about my mom and aunts as they're older and more susceptible. This is the longest I've gone without seeing my mom, but thanks to technology! We literally FaceTime every day. 

I almost forgot! Red literally almost died. He got attacked by a pit that lives up the street and it was one of the scariest things I ever dealt with. We just came back from a cute little drive, it was absolutely beautiful out, and I just remember parking, letting him out for a walk, looking at a dog running but I couldn’t tell if it was on a leash or not. I then realized nope, this bitch is not on a leash, crossing the street, and watching it whip its head at me and red and sprinting across the street to attack him. I was absolutely terrified. My baby red, is literally getting mangled by a fucking pit by the neck. I’m also pregnant and scared the pit is going to attack me, that my stress is going to cause another miscarriage, and that I’m probably going to watch red die in front of my eyes. I completely blacked out on the woman who was sloppily running to get her dog off of him. Had it been a minute more, max, he would’ve been dead. I still picture it sometimes and it legit makes me so sad, but luckily he pulled through after about a week of healing, and a huge bloody abscess that needed to be drained. 

THEN about a month ago now, George Floyd was killed on tape by a cop and it changed the world. Between Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Abery dying and being cooped up for months in the house, major cities went up in flames, literally. It was a revolution that Is still happening which has caused corporate America to shove ‘black lives matter’ down our throats like black people just popped up, shown privileged ass white people who refuse to try and understand, racist fucks that just hate us so much....and the list goes on.

That’s been our year so far! and it about to get shut down again because because aren't taking covid seriously. 

Pregnancy has been really interesting though....not at all like what they show on tv and the movies. I’ve been emotional as hell crying over my body  changing....constipated af to the point where I now celebrate any time I shit, hella uncomfortable....but I know when we see her face it will indeed all be worth it. Doing this back to back though like Dame envisions....I don’t know man lol. We shall see. She's due in about 3.5 months. Check in before then....

Tdot, out. 

[shortqueershakespeare]

Gonna take a page out of the other anon's book and ask you to do all the harry potter questions...

so this took forever, but i’ve finally finished them all (and of course pasting them fucked up the formatting fml) Amortentia: Talk about 3 things you love. 

- I love languages, I love being able to see into someone’s soul by talking the language of their heart. I love the different sides of my identity that emerge with different languages, how you can only see fragments of my whole soul without comprehension of each language that forms a part of my heart.

- I love the LGBT community, love feeling free and whole and myself. I love seeing people realise who they are and seeing unabashed, queer love in the face of a world that does not want us. I love seeing that we are stronger together and that no one can take our identities away, no matter how much they try. I love seeing boys fall in love with boys and girls fall for girls for the first time. 

- I love the pure, unadulterated joy of learning, of education and finding out something new. The feeling of discovery and the sensation of having accomplished something when you understand a new concept is incomparable.

Ageing Potion: imagine yourself 50-60 years from now. how would you like a typical day to go? where do you see yourself? 

In fifty years, my body would be my own, covered in marks from misadventure and splashes of colourful memories. At 61, my kids would be grown up and moved out, my house would be filled with a different kind of sound, with puppies and bunnies and any other pets that fit. I hope I’d have a man to share this life with, we spend our weekends baking and devising obstacle courses for the pets to fall over, getting calls from our kids on how to be an adult (as if we’ve figured that out, even at our age). My sisters still haven’t let go of the habit of calling me a kid, and I try to see them when I can. The seasons change, the leaves fall, and I spend them all, content.

Alihotsy Draught: name and write about a few topics you’re really passionate about. 

Oh god we already did things I love though

Lets go specific instead and say fictional characters/ships

Drarry - The lion and the snake clash together, fire and ice raging a passionate war against each other, until they manage to blend their voices into one harmony. 

Wolfstar - the dog and the wolf, the moon and the star. Something poetic about their love. Sure, they’ve pushed against it, shouted angry words and slammed doors, but through it all, they gravitate back to each other. 

Ballum - by all accounts they shouldn’t work. A criminal and an aspiring cop, they’re a recipe for disaster, doomed to fail. But no-one, not even them, thought that they would become their own priority, above parental expectations, above the world they grew up in. they hold on tight, breathe each other in, relish in their found family. 

Antidote to Veritaserum: what is the biggest/most memorable lie you’ve told? 

I genuinely can’t think of one at all?? Oh lol not a lie but lie by omission i guess?? The fact that my gran still thinks i’m cishet lolll

Babbling Beverage: what kind of person are you when you’re drunk/hyped up on caffeine? 

I’m so fucking affectionate and talkative, i wanna cuddle everyone and I will absolutely tell you my opinions on/feelings about people. I’m a drunk disaster, but a fun drunk disaster. I also find a lot of things funny when drunk, and buy lots of presents for people.

Barufflo’s Brain Elixir: if you could master one skill instantly, what would it be? 

Right now the goddamn Russian language so my degree would be easier lol. I’d love to be able to whistle actually, or draw. 

Bloodroot Potion: describe a time you felt heartbroken. 

Well we’re gonna stick with creative writing so: I had a dream about us, both in matching suits. We were dancing at sunset, holding each other close as the songs played on. I woke up happy and content, and then I remembered that you weren’t mine anymore. You’re dancing with someone else while I sit, sobbing in my bed, longing for what should have been our future. I went through my room, finding every little thing that belonged to you, and put them to one side, in case you ever wanted them back. Holding on to the hope of one last conversation I guess. I miss you, and I hate you. And I love you. It hurts so much, like my heart stayed with you and I won’t last long without it.

Bruise removal paste: after you were heartbroken, what healed you?

The first time, it was love from family and friends and eventually falling in love again. And time. Now, i don’t know what’s gonna finish healing me, but love from other people and the promise that I’m worth more has done a lot to get me there.

Burn healing paste: are you cautious or are you impulsive? 

Both I think? I think I could do with being a lil more spontaneous though.

Calming Draught: what do you do on a rainy day?

I like to sit with a cup of tea or coffee, legs under a blanket, watching TV or writing or reading.

Caxambu: Style

I don’t think I have a recognisable style that can be described as anything other than gay. 

Borborygmus Potion: what’s your favorite food?

Right now I could really go for roast dinner tbh.  Confusing Concoction: What do you struggle most with? 

Prioritising myself and believing in my own worth. Cough Potion: What do you do to get better when you’re sick? 

I sleep a lot, and I like to eat chicken soup and have lots of warm drinks. Cure for Boils: Write about three pet peeves. 

People NOT WEARING HEADPHONES Hypocrisy Not respecting personal space Death potion: If you were told you were going to die in 24 hours, what would you do? 

Depends if I knew the cause of death/if i was infectious or not. If I wasn’t infectious I’d visit as many friends and family as possible, and probably get drunk. Deflating draught: Would you call yourself arrogant/modest? 

I like to think I’m modest but then again I don’t think that’s a super modest thought. Developing Solution: What’s the best photo you’ve taken? Which one’s your favorite? 

I took a nice one of my uni room, and some good ones at pride. Dogbreath Potion: What superpower would you have and why? 

Shapeshifting because my god would that make being trans more bearable. Doxycide: are you more clean or messy? 

Messy, but I do like to clean sometimes. Dr. Ubbly’s Oblivious Unction: are you critical of yourself? if you are, how do you want to work on it? 

Yes I am, and I try to work on it by talking to myself as I would to a friend or my puppy. Draught of Living Death: How would you like your funeral to go?

I’d like it to be a reflection of me, but equally I’d want it to be good for the people I’m leaving behind - I’d like Bye Bye Darling to be one of the songs though. Draught of Peace: What relaxes you? 

Watching familiar TV, listening to dodie, Maisie Peters, Orla Gartland, the puppy sleeping on me, hugs from friends. Drink of Despair: What’s your biggest regret? 

Not breaking up with my exes sooner, it would’ve been so much less painful and better all round. Drowsiness Draught: What’s your bedtime routine? 

So after my sister and dad go to bed, I stay down with the pup, take her out to the loo, and then sit on the sofa with her sleeping for a bit. Then I put her to bed and tidy a bit, I go up to my room and get into pjs, brush my teeth and wash my face, I put on my dim fairy lights and put on a chill playlist, then sleep.  Elixir of life: Would you rather live five ok/mediocre years or one incredible year? 

I think it kinda depends, like it its five mediocre years where each day is mediocre, then definitely one incredible year. Elixir to Induce Euphoria: What makes you feel alive? 

Dancing, love, running with the pup. Essence of Dittany: what’s the worst scar you currently have?

I scar quite easily, but they also fade quite well - at the moment I have one on my elbow from catching it on chicken wire. Exploding Potion: Do you like fireworks?

Yeah! They’re super pretty - I prefer the ones without a bang though. Fatiguing Infusion: Describe a recent/memorable dream.  

I had a dream about being physically back at uni, it wasn’t super eventful but it was really calming and nostalgic. Felix Felicis: Do you believe in luck?

I guess?? Flesh-Eating Slug Repellent: How do you keep bad thoughts away? 

Antidepressants lol. No but if I’m anxious I’ll write out everything I’m stressed about to get it out of my head. If I’m depressed I try to distract myself. Forgetfulness Potion: What is your favorite memory?

Maybe my first time getting drunk, it was the cast afterparty for my favourite show and it was so fun being able to chill with all my friends and being treated like an adult. (Plus it was fucking hilarious watching everyone come to the set strike the next day where most people were hungover as all hell)

My first gay night out was also pretty memorable, if only for the amount I drank lol. Fungiface Potion: What’s the greatest prank you’ve pulled? 

Legitimately don’t know if I ever have pulled one? At school we once turned our whole classroom backwards, and at uni my friends and I spent about two years putting any spam mail we got into our friends pigeonhole after he proudly told us how empty he always kept it. That was fun. Gregory’s Unctuous Unction: Describe your best friend(s).

Okay we’re gonna go for 3 people (all of whom have featured in poems of mine) - I started off writing about 5 and then got bored (and also vaguely embarrassed about calling people best friends) so we’re going down to three I’m also gonna make it vague ish So the first is a friend I’ve known for ten years and we’ve been equal parts immature and grown up throughout those ten years - last time I saw her we went to a inflatable park and then to spoons. She’s funny and sweet and chaotic and a lot shorter than I think (she used to be a head taller than me but hasn’t grown since we met, so even though we’re the same height neither of us quite believes it). She’s talented and reliable and So very committed to being a good friend (she drove to pick my ex and I up from a festival so she could meet him and took a 3-4 hour train to come celebrate my 21st). The second is possibly the first friend I made at uni because we bonded over being terrified of going to Russia and now we communicate almost solely through animal crossing. I love her, she’s hilarious, about as much of a mess as I am and an incredibly sweet person. She’s the first person I text in a crisis because she knows the exact right balance of taking the piss and actually helping and is always available to talk in foreign when I need to forget about the people I’m with or avoid an ex lol. The third is one of my favourite people at uni, he’s super supportive and understanding but also the best fucking person for a night out or a laugh. I used to think he was intimidating but honestly he’s just so sweet and has always made me feel welcome in my new year groups and always makes sure I have someone to pre with. Hair-Raising Potion: What scares you?

Fucking clowns man. Also not living life to the fullest, I’m really trying to put myself first nowadays and make sure I’m not staying in bad situations out of anxiety. It’s definitely helped me feel better about myself and have more energy to think about other people as well. Hate potion: If you had to name your worst trait, what would it be? 

Either stubbornness or being too self-sacrificing. It’s not a good combo tbh. Herbicide Potion: do you have a green thumb? 

I have owned (1) plant and I think I killed it so no. I am absolutely terrified every time my dad asks me to water the garden because I feel like I can only over or under water. Hiccoughing Solution: what’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you? 

Funny situations involving me tend to end in injury, maybe when I fell over the tennis net that didn’t even come up to my knees and got stuck in it?  Or when I fell over skiing and couldn’t get up because I’d done a roly poly which ended up with my skis trapped under my back.  Invigoration Draught: how do you wake up in the mornings? 

Lately my sister brings the puppy up to wake me up which is nice. Invisibility Potion: What would you do if you were invisible for a day? 

Ooh that’s a good question, I think I’d probably take a bunch of photos of me holding stuff and probably scare the shit out of my family. Jawbind Potion: Are you talkative? What do you like to talk about? 

Yes, very. I like talking about anything and everything, I love finding stuff out about people, which is part of the reason I do so many of these things. Laugh-Inducing Potion: Tell a funny story.

I am not a very funny person. I don’t have many funny stories!! When I was younger and my mum would get milkshakes and stuff, we were only allowed a glass each (I have 3 siblings) so that we each got the same amount and my sister was being sneaky, tried to drink from the carton to cheat the rule, ended up drinking mouldy milk. Karma. Mandrake Restorative Draught: How long can you stand still? 

Probably quite a while, I’ve never thought about it to be honest. Manegro Potion: How do you like to cut your hair? I cut mine myself, I usually leave the top a few inches long, and the back and sides are usually tapered from a 3 to a 1. Mopsus Potion: What do you want to be doing 5 years from now? 

Hopefully be working in translation or LGBT activism, living with a flatmate or partner. I’d like to have had top surgery and be acting or stage managing again and playing tennis and maybe football again. Muffling Draught: Favorite genre of music? 

Idk, indie pop maybe? Or alternative? Oculus Potion: would you rather see the distant past or the distant future?

Distant future. Pepperup Potion: what makes you feel alive?

Sport, playing with the puppy, talking to friends. Polyjuice Potion: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would remove my chest lol.  Quodpot Solution: What’s your opinion on sports (are you a fan of any specific teams/sport)?

Tennis is my favourite sport, I also like football, judo, rounders, swimming, sailing and skiing. Rat Tonic: Do you have any pets? 

Yes! I have a tiny bunny called Teddy, two chickens called Miss Sussex and Babs and a boxer puppy called Pickle. Shrinking Solution: How tall are you? Do you like your height (why/why not)?  

I honestly don’t know, I think I’m 5’ 3” ish?? After 5’ I just kinda stopped paying attention. I’d like to be taller because it would help me pass better, but I also kind of like my limbs the way they are?? Like additional muscle from T is already making tennis weird to adjust to so I don’t wanna make that worse tbh. Skele-Gro: What helps you feel better? 

Hugs, alcohol, chocolate, familiar TV, reading my favourite books. Sleakeazy’s Hair Potion: Describe yourself in 6 words or less.

Queer, loud, chatty, empathetic, caring, stubborn. Veritaserum: What is one truth you’ve wanted to get off your chest? 

I wish I had broken up with my exes sooner/not got together with the last one at all. We weren’t a good fit and I like to think we’d still be friends otherwise. Volubilis Potion: Can you/do you like to sing? 

I love to sing, I’m decent but struggling to adjust to my voice drop tbh. Wide eye Potion: What time do you usually go to bed? 

12/1am, depends on when I take the dog out. Wolfsbane: What’s the biggest change you’ve experienced in the past year? Going on testosterone!

[i-will-physically-fight-you]

I just gotta be real for a hot second.

Warnings: discussions of suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety 

2015 remains a pinnacle year for me. I have a lot of good memories associated with it, and it’s around that time I started hearing about this certain band. A single of theirs hit mainstream and suddenly they’re the talk of the town. My natural inclination when encountering something popular is to turn my nose up at it. If it’s popular it’s overrated. You know what’s popular? Music. For most of my middle school and high school years, I didn’t get what was the big deal about music. Why was everyone obsessed about it, and specifically boy bands? So I mainly ignored the hype.

And by “mainly” I mean the curiosity got the better of me one day so I searched some of their songs on Youtube. It was...different than anything I’ve ever encountered. It was abrasive, eccentric, bizarre, take your pick. I tried to love them but I couldn’t even though I resonated with the lyrics. And I’ve never been one to try to fit with the crowd. Like I said, I went against the crowd. So aside discovering a song of theirs in an amv and loving it, I ignored them for about three years.

But then last year my sister kept playing one of their songs on the ukulele and I...liked it. So I sought them out again on my own terms. I slowly fell in love with their music. It helped they released an album in the autumn. My sister loves them and it became a bridge between the two of us. We don’t have many of those.

But again, super causal. It wasn’t until the new year hit and my mental health sunk like a tank. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety since the start of middle school. It’s sad to think roughly half of my life has been consumed by it. But living with it after awhile, you begin to learn the ebbs and flow of it. But this? This was a whole another type of monster.

I wish I could time travel back to the start of this year and tell past me, “Honey, you got a big storm coming for you. I know it’ll seem that it’ll never get better. But I promise things they will and I’ll be holding onto you.”

I would have days where I would just bawl for three or four hours straight. The slightest thing would make me cry. When I wasn’t crying, I was an unemotional husk of a person.

I would be thoroughly convinced my friends and family were going to be extremely angry at me for minuscule things. I would experience moments of intense panic, where my heart raced to the speed of my careening thoughts and I was so cold that no amount of layers or blankets would warm me up.

I remember a day a moment like this happened, where I ended up taking a nap in this state for two hours, woke up exhausted beyond belief and then showed up to work having to pretend that yes, I’m a functioning human being who is not falling apart, no siree.

I could barely muster up the motivation to write, and when I did it was mostly heavy and dark. Floating With the Sunset and Guiding Lights come to mind, especially when I realized I was unconsciously struggling with the very same thing as the characters were; suicide ideation.

What I mean by that is I was so convinced that my life had no purpose or meaning--that I was never going to amount to anything, so why bother? Why bother living if it involved this level of mental torment that I was going through? And of course, the small detached unemotional part of me knew this was wrong. I always had a fear of dying--so all I could think of was how living was going to be a prison sentence because I was too chicken to actually do the thing.

Not to mention, my one remaining brain cell knew my family and friends would be devastated by my death, never mind I didn’t know even know how to go about the whole dying thing. Just realizing I was even contemplating such a thing terrified me. 

I knew this was the sort of thing you should tell people about but the idea of admitting it to someone was even more terrifying than the thought of it because oh god, what will they think? If there is one thing you must know about me, is that I fear disappointing people and I felt like I would be disappointing a good number of people by admitting that not-living sounded like a good option at the time.

Heck, I could barely admit to myself that was happening in this journal entry in January, before it went even further downhill:

“Rest assured I have not the stomach to actually do anything. I’m too afraid of what lies in the Undiscovered Country to travel to it. That’s why the answer to that daunting question is: “No, of course not.”

Still, who hasn’t thought of traveling to the land where no traveler has whence returned? Even if it wasn’t a serious consideration, I think all humans have the thought at some point in their lives. Maybe not—after all I am just but a human who has no idea what goes in the minds of her fellow humans. But I think it’s a good possibility.

Humans are inherently curious creatures; really it should be “Curiosity killed the human” rather the cat. I think we’re curious enough to wonder what would happen if we did travel to that country earlier than “planned.”

But aside from the stray intrusive thought, I have not dared to go further down that dark path. This is for several reasons. One because of that fear. But another because I have seen the aftermath of when someone takes a trip to the Undiscovered Country. It has not yet been anyone super close to me and yet the devastation hits me at full force despite it. But I also had interaction with a few people in the last couple years, of how I impacted their life without even knowing it.

You never know how small of an interaction can change another person’s life forever. You never know and I think it’s a shame a lot of times those stories don’t get shared until after someone has already left. I think it can be important those stories are shared with the person—it can help them recognize that they are more important than they possibly realize.”

A small part of me thought that my life would be over at the end of May. Not that I planned on causing that to happen by my own hands. Just that some comic force might decide to put me out of my misery by then. You could say I’m a bit elated to be alive right now, because I didn’t expect to get this far.

What this have to do with music again? I’m glad you asked. Remember that band that spiked in popularity in 2015 that I ignored for three years and then reluctantly started listening and enjoying their music? Yes, well if I resonated with the lyrics in 2015, then those lyrics could’ve been lifted verbatim from my pages out of my journal in 2019.

This music was like a light in the darkness. It unashamedly discussed heavy topics like depression and suicide and I needed that. In our society, those topics are seldom openly discussed to the point it feels almost shameful to admit to such a struggle. But these songs openly screamed about them, they were brutally honest about the struggle. What’s more, they advocated to keep on living and I needed that. I needed that so much. 

I knew the band was visiting my area sometime this summer and I thought, I can live until then. I can make it until then.

Sometime mid-May, the storm broke. The sun came out and Mr. Blue Sky started blaring from the heavens. I think it was because several outside factors that were putting a strain on my mental health had gone away around then along with events I feared would go horribly wrong...did not go horribly wrong. In fact, they went well all things considered. I’ve still gone through days riddled with anxiety and depression since then, but nothing as dark and grim as those days had been.

I don’t want to want to die anymore. It’s weird to think only two months ago, I craved such a thing. I want to live so much, you guys have no idea. Of course the future still terrifies me. But that’s a reassuring fear, one I hold like a security blanket because it’s been a part of me for so long I know how to deal with it.

I started a handwritten journal where I record the day’s events and end each entry with the positive highlights of the day. Of course I haven’t done it in a solid week, but it’s done wonders for my mental health.  I’ve been seeing a therapist and that has helped a little. I’ve started reaching out and trying to maintain friendships in real life. To those online friends that have stayed with me and even reached out in concern about my vague distressing tumblr posts, you helped me so much and I am grateful for our correspondences. 

I made a post about debating whether or not I should see a favorite band and in the end, well...it feels like the right decision. I’m fulfilling a promise to myself back then. It feels like the act of seeing this band is like the closing chapter of the book. Not the final book, mind you, but a book in like a seventy-something series, if everything pans out of course.

As to those who might be still struggling, deep in the throes of such darkness and torment: It’ll get better.

I know that’s like the most cliche thing to say and I sure didn’t believe it back then. But it’s true. It was true for me and it’s true for many others.

Also don’t be like me, be brave enough to speak to someone about what you’re dealing with. You aren’t alone as you think are. Yes, no one will ever know what’s it like to struggle with your demons, nobody will think what you think, but they might’ve fought battles similar to the one that’s currently raging inside your brain. They might know what it’s like to wander through such darkness. Even if they haven’t, they can still support and love you through it regardless. 

Lastly, you have worth, you have importance, you have meaning and if everyone tells you otherwise (including your own thoughts) don’t you dare listen to them for a second. Remember, you are loved beyond belief, don’t ever doubt that <3

[kyxgrey]

pIt's about to get self depreciating and just over all sad in this post. So if you don't like sad stuff just scroll on by.

I love my art. I really do. Art is something I enjoy doing, especially if I'm having a particularly hard day. But I'm don't feel like I'm any good at it. Yeah I've improved a lot. That's obvious. Except I see all these other artists who are being hyped by people I know, people I interact with on the daily. Then I post something I've spent hours debating if I even should share and it gets a little attention but not the amount I see others get. Which this, to be very clear, is not a thing of jealousy. I do not wish that person's art to not be seen. This is me feeling insecure in my own art because if no one's hyping it up it clearly isn't amazing.

Again not jealousy, I'm so proud of all my friends who's art is getting attention from others. They deserve every single ounce of love for their wonderful masterpieces. This is me doing the exact thing they tell you not to do. Comparing my art to others. Like for example: The David Tennant drawing I did last. An artist on Instagram liked it and I went to go admire their work and stumbled upon their version of that photo of David. It looked a thousand times better than my own. It made me want to delete my drawing because what is the point in me posting my drawing when someone has an even better version already. Like instead of my crap drawing getting attention I wanted to shout "No! Go look at their drawing. Make them seen." Which I know is the most stupid thing ever.

But I can't help it. All my life it's been pounded into me that "Your art is never going to be good enough." So it's second nature to accept that it's true. My mom has tried a thousand times to make me understand that I'm amazing at art and that I need to stop this way of thinking. Thinking that because there's someone who's version is being seen by so many and to me looks objectively better that I should just never post my version. I know she's right, I know it, except I can't bring myself to let it sink in because I've lived so long with the mindset of "Your art is not good enough. You'll never get anywhere with it. Stop trying. No one cares that you drew something because it's not good."

Anyway enough of me being self depreciating and fucking depressed on your dashes.

[briangroth27]

Avengers Endgame Review

I absolutely loved Avengers Endgame! I was a little skeptical at first—there are still solo stories I want to see with some of the characters we're saying goodbye too and I'd prefer those to Avengers movies, honestly—but everyone behind this film really pulled it off. The pre-release hype did get to me eventually though and by the time the movie opened, I was absolutely pumped. I left the theater nearly completely satisfied and I definitely felt the weight of a decade of stories coming to an end with this film. Had this been the end of the MCU, it would’ve been a great one.

Full Spoilers...

I thought they did an excellent job of wrapping up the cliffhangers left by Infinity War as well as providing closure and a worthy conclusion to this era of the MCU. Trading the bombastic fights of Infinity War for really solid character work and interactions here (and swapping focus on Thanos (Josh Brolin) out for focus on the heroes themselves) was perfect. Done the other way around, I feel like this would've been exhausting. Instead, while it did feel full, it was always engaging and entertaining and didn’t feel like it was three hours long. The pacing worked really well to keep things moving briskly even with an insane amount of characters to service. The direction and action were solid, and the writing felt totally in-character for an enormous cast, which was a feat unto itself.

My favorite Avenger is Captain America (Chris Evans) and I was extremely satisfied with how his story ended. I do wish we’d gotten a Captain America 4 where Steve faces the rising Nazism among everyday American citizens we’re seeing in the real world: the last test for his resolve would be to see whether he still wanted to represent ideals that the American people now only use as excuses for their hate. Can he carry on if he’s seemingly the only one who believes we can be better? I feel like that could be Chris Evans’ Logan. However, I was surprisingly content with this end to his story, especially once I realized he’d get to end up with Peggy (Hayley Atwell) after all (though I thought he was going to drop into the 70s instead of his original time). In hindsight I wish they hadn’t had Steve and Sharon Carter kiss, but I’m more than willing to deal with that awkwardness and sacrifice that bit of comics canon for Steve getting a happy ending with his best gal. I’m satisfied with either interpretation of Cap’s story: knowing that things have to turn out a certain way, I can see him not saying anything about the future and always having been Peggy’s cryptic, never-named husband (his comment to Nat (Scarlett Johansson) at the beginning of the movie also signals that he’s ready to stop fighting), or, that he immediately decided to shape a better century by saving Bucky early and then proceeded to kick Hydra out of SHIELD & continue saving the world alongside Peggy and Bucky. I can buy either resolution to his character arc and I really liked that they didn’t kill him in the end. If they want to use him more, they can, but if this is the end for Evans then he got a happy one and that’s perfect. I’m hoping he’ll show up as a mentor to Sam (Anthony Mackie), now that he’s the new Captain America (also the result I was hoping for: the mantle of Cap as Steve wore it is about fighting for more than making up for your past mistakes. Sam embodies that much better than Bucky (Sebastian Stan) would (and his fight scenes will be a whole lot more unique given he can fly)). Steve standing up against Thanos’ entire army by himself was perfect, finally getting to say “Avengers Assemble!” was great, and getting to wield Mjolnir was an outrageously fun sequence! I can see both sides of the “Cap was/wasn’t truly worthy in Ultron” argument, but again, I’m cool with either explanation: either Steve was on the cusp of worthiness but hiding Bucky’s complicity in the murder of Tony’s (Robert Downey Jr.) parents held him back, or he realized he could always lift it and is such a decent guy that he didn’t want to upstage Thor (Chris Hemsworth). I also liked the quieter moments with Steve, like finally patching things up with Tony, trying to get Natasha back into the world (just like she had done for him back in Winter Soldier)—I’ve always loved their friendship—and running a support group for everyday citizens in the wake of the Snap to help them move forward, even if he couldn’t (that was also a nice way for him to pick up what Sam was doing for veterans). It was fun to let Steve have moments of levity about himself too, like the “America’s ass” joke and his reaction to hearing “I can do this all day.”

There's only one major plot point I was disappointed in: Black Widow's death to get the Soul Stone. I'm glad that they had her fight for it (clarifying that it was her choice, given the circumstances, rather than a fridging) and going out to save the universe does put a significant cap on her (so far underwritten) quest to clear her Red Ledger. However, I've always felt there was more story to cover with her (the details of that Ledger for one thing, as well as her attempts to overcome her past crimes and her mental conditioning) and she's my second-favorite of the original six Avengers, so it hurt a lot to lose her. I was sitting there thinking “now we’ve had to lose both Nat and Gamora (Zoe Saldana) to this dumb Stone?” That was a less-than-great look. It was also a bummer to have a cool moment where all the female heroes protected Spidey (Tom Holland)...except Natasha. At least her death wasn’t used to give the guys license to get violent. I liked that they gave the Avengers’ reaction to her death significant time to breathe, even if she didn’t get the grand funeral Tony did. She might be the one who was closest to all of them (except Thor) and she deserved that moment of silence from her friends (Banner’s distraught “I tried to bring her back” to Steve was another great beat). I’m very excited for Widow’s (finally!) upcoming solo film, and I wonder if it will focus on the Natasha from the alternate universe Steve created (if that is what he did), rather than the one who just died. The MCU doesn’t tend to do prequels unless they’re introducing new characters, so a random Black Widow film, while welcome, seems like an odd choice if it’s an origin story like the rumors say. Maybe it’s the origin of that timeline’s Natasha, who can continue on in new adventures should Johansson want to (and why wouldn’t the MCU, given she’s the only actor of the original six who can successfully open a non-Avengers movie)? Maybe Steve and Peggy (given Peggy’s dealings with the Black Widow program on her own show) rescued their timeline’s Romanoff from the KGB before her Red Ledger started filling up. If we could see Nat struggling between her programming and the better life Steve and Peggy could show her before she’s done the horrible things she’s hinted at, that could be a very cool arc. Regardless, Steve’s the one I thought I would leave this movie wanting more from the most, but it was Natasha that I feel like the filmmakers left a lot of cards off the table for.

I loved Tony’s moments with Nebula (Karen Gillan) at the start of the film and hated that he still blamed Steve for not letting him build his “suit of armor” around the planet. His Five Years Later family (Gwyneth Paltrow, Alexandra Rabe) was really sweet and I really enjoyed his interactions with and protectiveness of them, bringing me back around on liking his character to an extent I haven’t felt since the first Avengers movie. I totally understood why he wouldn’t want to change the past and erase all of that (and I was very relieved to hear that, as I didn’t want the Snap undone). Moments like meeting his father (John Slattery) just before his younger self was born were more great character bits, especially after the tumultuous relationship the two of them had. I would’ve liked a little more balance between the Pym science, Banner’s intelligence, and Stark’s input rather than Stark essentially inventing the working time machine on his own, but oh well. While I didn’t want to see Tony Stark Saves the Universe, this win over Thanos felt like enough of a team effort that it didn’t bother me, and his last line to Thanos—“I am Iron Man”—was perfect. I could easily see him coming back in future films as an AI, but I’d rather not. I feel like they’ve explored everything there is to with his character (though admittedly I’m not well-versed in Iron Man lore) and it feels like the MCU has moved on from him; even moved beyond his level of technology. It felt right that this era of the MCU would bookend Stark’s life as well, and the writers and directors made me feel for him and feel his loss, which is impressive given I haven’t liked him in the vast majority of his appearances.

Thor's depression worked really well for me and while I didn’t recognize it when I saw the film, after hearing the complaints about fat-shaming from the other characters I understand the offense some viewers felt. It wasn’t the fact that he got fat that was the problem, it was the other characters mocking him for it, and I wish more consideration had been given to that situation rather than going for easy jokes. Otherwise, Thor dealing with the guilt of not killing Thanos—leading to the death of half the universe—was really well done. The fact that he couldn’t change anything even when the team tracked down Thanos, only to realize that the Snap couldn’t be undone, was a huge moment for him and Hemsworth played his depression and resulting sedentary lifestyle very well. I loved most of his conversation with Frigga (Rene Russo) (minus the “eat better” jokes) and the tearful moment where he realized he was still worthy of Mjolnir was perfect. I also appreciated that (as others have pointed out) he didn't magically get his fit body back when he reclaimed all his power and status (according to Wikipedia, this was Hemsworth’s idea and it’s a brilliant one). I feel like that would’ve been another insulting development (an “only attractive people can be useful heroes” sensibility) that they thankfully avoided. Sending him off with the (As)Guardians of the Galaxy is a brilliant move (particularly given the turn in his solo franchise to a Guardians aesthetic) and I loved the argument between him and Quill about who would be leader. I really hope he’s in Guardians 3!

Mark Ruffalo’s Hulk finally embracing Banner’s intelligence (and Bruce embracing the Hulk in return) was a great move and I’m so glad they finally found somewhere new to take his character, rather than the constant push and pull of Hulk and Banner hating each other. I would’ve preferred Banner accepting that the Hulk was part of his psyche and he has serious anger issues rather than him being some separate “other guy,” but this works too. It was a nice of pace to see people excited to meet Hulk, rather than everyone being afraid of him. I also liked Bruce and Tony reuniting as Science Bros to figure out how to use the Pym Particles to create a time travel heist. Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) is my least-favorite of the six original Avengers, and this didn’t do much to change my opinion. The Avengers have never been shy about killing their enemies, so Hawkeye going Ronin to kill criminals didn’t feel like such a huge a fall (though it is a troubling example of man-pain in the wake of the deaths of his wife (Linda Cardellini) and kids (Ava Russo, Cade Woodward, Ben Sakamoto), whose losses do feel like fridging. However, I do like the parallel of Nat going to retrieve him from his vendetta, just like he made the call not to kill her when they first met and she was the violent criminal. His moment with Wanda (Elizabeth Olsen) at the end was also a nice addition to their friendship.

Paul Rudd’s Scott Lang made for an excellent addition to the Avengers (and a great way to introduce the time travel capability), bringing levity to the proceedings with his off-kilter and genuinely sweet personality. Pushing time through him was a great sequence and I will always be happy for as much of this Ant-Man as we can get; these movies have made him a favorite of mine! I liked that they also let him get some drama out of the reunion with his now-five-years-older-daughter Cassie (Emma Fuhrmann) and I can’t wait to see more of how that relationship develops in the next Ant-Man and the Wasp film. I would have liked for Rocket (Bradley Cooper, Sean Gunn) and Rhodey (Don Cheadle) to get meatier roles here, but I understand that there’s only so much screentime.

Nebula’s development into an Avenger was a great arc, especially as things got complicated with her past self, and I think she’s my favorite Guardian after this. After all the torment and literal torture Thanos has put her through, it was awesome to see her stand up to her past self and help defeat him. I do think she totally knew what she was doing by sending Natasha and Clint to Vormir, and that’s a character moment I wish they had let play out onscreen. I’m glad that it was past-Nebula who played the role of villain here, rather than Nebula getting the gauntlet from her father and becoming the story’s real villain, like what happened in The Infinity Gauntlet. I’m excited to see her search for Gamora and help continue turning her life around in the next Guardians!

I wish they had explained what was going on with Thanos “in” the Soul Stone at the end of Infinity War (I was really hoping it was punishment for not making a real trade of love to get the Stone, since what he felt for Gamora was not love and should not have been cosmically confirmed as such), but ultimately I didn’t need any more of him than we got here. It was cool that his younger self knew he would die to see his quest for the Stones fulfilled, and so was set in his determination to meet that destiny because it also meant he’d win. Thanos brought a very impressive battle and unforgettable scale to our heroes’ lives, but ultimately I feel like he could’ve been entirely dealt with in just this and Infinity War. Outside of the familial ties introduced in the Guardians movies, there was nothing relevant about Thanos that we couldn’t have learned from just these two Avengers films if he’d shown up for the first time at the beginning of Infinity War (his being behind the attack on New York could’ve been a reveal to all of us, not just Tony and Bruce). The Stones arc went on too long and Thanos never felt really menacing until these last two appearances, making me bored with the whole plot at least halfway through if not sooner (Guardians itself calls the Stones meaningless MacGuffins). I hope the MCU doesn’t try to build decade-long (or even 5-year) stories out of its other villains to try and match this, because they don’t need to. Galactus, for example, doesn’t need build-up; just let him appear in all of his planet-eating glory as a new problem for the Avengers to team up and stop.

I really liked the movie’s fresh take on time travel: you can go back and change the past, but not in your own timeline (since the future you came from is now your past), and any changes you do make will result in a new timeline. That’s a cool way to preserve the events of the MCU while letting them go back and muck around with their history at the same time. I left the theater thinking that it’s possible to play this all as one timeline that didn’t branch at all if Kevin Feige and the rest of the MCU’s architects decide to. As I said, I can see Steve finally retiring to have a life of his own, saying nothing and knowing that things will turn out OK (though I really want to see him meet Red Skull (Ross Marquand) when he returned the Soul Stone!). The Ancient One (Tilda Swinton) could have helped him restore the Tesseract and Aether to their former states using the Time Stone (as someone else pointed out online). Loki’s (Tom Hiddleston) escape from Avengers Tower with the Tesseract and eventual recapture could be the entire basis of his upcoming Disney+ series, given we never knew SHIELD was even involved with his arrest at the end of the first Avengers. His brief escape could’ve always happened. Present-Nebula might not have killed Past-Nebula at all, given she’s an alien cyborg and her internal organs might work or even just be arranged differently than we’d expect. My initial read of the end of the battle was that Tony had sent Thanos’ army back in time and erased their memories via his Snap (since he didn’t want to change history), not that he killed them. I suppose Past-Gamora’s existence in the present after the battle is the only loose end that can’t be taken both ways. If they do want to create a whole lot of alternate timelines, that works too…especially since I feel like the next big event is going to be Secret Wars (the more recent one, not the original).

Regardless of the potential new Marvel Cinematic Multiverse, I hope they use the Snap to its fullest potential going forward. Not only would it be a global disaster to lose half the population, but bringing them all back would throw things into disarray all over again. Nations would have fallen, new regimes emerged (Latveria, anyone?), superheroes going to extremes to keep the peace, and super-villains turning over new leaves when they realized how petty their crimes were. The possibilities for interesting stories are endless! It should affect everything going forward, from Far From Home to the remaining TV shows and beyond. They’ve created a world where the events of the films can have a huge, undeniable impact on everything else, and they should honor that shared universe. The only thing the Snap shouldn’t result in is the creation of mutants, because that would remove their “we’re supposed to be here” argument and the connection to the real-world people they’re supposed to represent along with it.

There are too many awesome moments and character beats to list here, so here are a few off the top of my head that I loved. Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) getting to be the queen of New Asgard.  Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) finally getting to team up with the Avengers. Wanda and Carol (Brie Larson) completely destroying Thanos at just about every turn. A much better use of Captain America saying “Hail Hydra” than in the comics. Time travel allowing them to not only revisit some of their greatest hits, but to bring back many of the actors who appeared later, forming a more tightly-knit world. Tony and Peter’s farewell. Black Widow becoming the leader of the Avengers. Hulk holding up the Avengers facility like the mountain in the original Secret Wars. James D’Arcy as Jarvis, finally getting to break the TV/movie barrier as the first TV-original MCU character to appear in the movies (go watch Agent Carter; it’s fantastic!).  Stan Lee’s last cameo happening in this film, which just feels right. Cap/Iron Man/Thor vs. Thanos. Everyone vs. Thanos. 

This was definitely a worthy conclusion to this era of the MCU. I’m really glad that they resisted the urge to tease what’s next by omitting any post-credit scenes or tags on the end of the film. The only thing at the end of the credits—the sound of Tony making the Iron Man suit from his first film—was the perfect touch. Let things rest for now. The massive credit sequence with all of the stars getting their own card was great, and I liked the page they took out of Star Trek VI's book (having the original six Avengers sign their names onscreen) too. That was classy. 

There are a few lingering questions about just what timelines might have been created (or not), but nothing that hurt the experience of the movie for me. There are more stories I wish we could be seeing with Cap and Widow, but that would likely always be the case no matter when they retired. Regardless, the filmmakers had a lot to wrap up and to do so to the extent that they did is truly impressive. The actors were all at the top of their game with a lot of really good material to work with, making this an excellent and supremely emotionally satisfying movie! I can’t wait to watch it again when I get it on home video!

I'd give it an A(vengers)!

[gaming-grandma]

Skyrim and Breath of the Wild: My Two Favorite Open World Games

While botw doesn’t really qualify as an RPG, it still has many elements similar to one that I feel like this comparison is fair. Even though a large gap of time, graphical style, aesthetics, music, and story splits the two in feel and theme, I still feel like both games plucked the same heartstrings for myself, albeit in different ways. This is a long, long essay type post with no pictures. I wrote this instead of doing a reading assignment, so enjoy.

Both of these games came to me at opportune times in my life. Skyrim came to me right in the middle of my ‘golden-days’ of highschool, where I had the absolute most amount of free time and no responsibilities. I delved into the game and devoured it whole, and when my brother would take it to uni with him I would spend hours into the night until 2, 3 AM pouring over the guidebook and analyzing tactics and build ideas and roleplay elements I could incorporate into it the second I got my hands on it again. I almost convinced my dad to buy me the game so I could play it while my brother was away, but for my own good and those of my grades I failed. I would play Skyrim until sunrise, and then until sunset again, and I would go on to make probably actually hundreds of characters, each with different back stories and approaches and methods of play and skills. They would all feel unique and I would treat each one like an experience and go new places, or even go to places I knew well on purpose to see if I could put new spins on it. The world was so open and ready to manipulate and bend to your will that I, the moldable teenager I was, was utterly bent on feeling every square inch of this game hundreds of times, like a baby given a new toy they have to shove in their mouth for hours. I’m not proud of the amount of time I spent on Skyrim, but I am glad I got to, and I’m proud of some of my accomplishments. I invented this method of infinite Magicka regeneration as long as you were in a circle of a certain spell by making myself a vampire Breton with 100% magicka absorb (which involved using a glitch allowing you to use the same constellation stone twice) and casting a banishment spell on myself with the perk that makes restoration affect vampires. I spent days perfecting this until the final product: I could walk into a dungeon and cast a circle of light on the floor, walk into it, and unleash untamed power and destruction and anything I wanted anywhere until the circle wore off, and I’d cast it again. When my brother walked in on my working on this his jaw kinda dropped.

 Similarly, I would go on to invent all sorts of my own clever elements to the game as I mold it to my will, like one of those shake lights you have to break in a bunch of places to get it to light up. I would play the game dry over and over. Graduation came, and I slowed down. Other things came into my life and I had other games to play, new experiences to mull over. New worlds to bend. I would always go back to Skyrim for a few days, trying to pick it up again and feel the same awe and excitement and pure wonder I did when it first came upon me, but I would eventually realize “I’ve done this exact same thing too many times now” whether it be the character, route, skills, or style, I’d done it already. To this day, it’s the only game I’ll actually pull out and play sometimes when I’m truly lost or have nothing to do or feel depressed or broken. It’ll always remind me of my youth and make me have something to look forward to again. I’ve still already done it all, but that doesn’t really matter sometimes does it? Sometimes it’s just about remembering and being a totally different and older person sitting in front of the screen that gives you the same experience and joy no matter what you’ve been through.

I don’t trust Bethesda with TES6 anymore. I don’t think it’ll work for me, and I don’t think it’ll be a great game. I’m excited for it, as I’m naturally inclined to be and I won’t shut myself up over it, but it won’t be the next Skyrim for me. It won’t make me a wide-eyed 14 year old again, nothing can do that. That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it, I’m sure I will. But I don’t trust Bethesda’s methods as a company, and I don’t know if they’ll ever achieve what they did in my eyes when I was a kid. I’ll sit and listen to the music sometimes, and it’ll hit me in waves; the world, the awe, the excitement. The memories of coming home from big life events like finals or job interviews or trips and being able to relax and play it again. It almost sounds like an addiction at this point, and my brother would joke that I was, but it didn’t harm my social/professional life in any way, so I don’t think it was a true addiction.

Then I realize they don’t even have the same guy on music for TES6 as they did for morrowind/skyrim again and I remind myself it won’t be the one.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a gullible hope that TES6 will do all those things to me again, though. But when it comes down to it, Skyrim was the biggest and most influential game on my life as a teenager. It was just a great game. I loved it, everything about it. That’s all there is to it. It’s one of those games I wish I could erase my memory of and do all over again.

And you’re wondering why the hell this essay is titled with BOTW, and here’s the connection; the only other game I truly would like to erase my memory for and experience again is Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. But this is for a totally different reason.

BOTW came into my life at a similarly critical point of my life in young adulthood; I was at the end of my community college career, having only 2 classes for the entire semester. I had a job, but I hated it and was depressed over it. I felt like I was going nowhere fast, and BOTW came out with the switch and I decided to buy into the hype and see what it was like. BOTW is an untamed love letter to everything that made Skyrim amazing to me, and yet it was totally new and unseen and alien. It was huge in scope, the awe and wonder it hit me with was the same as when I first realized how huge the province of Skyrim truly was; this was even bigger. The immersion and aesthetics were beautiful and appealed to me in ways skyrim never did, but I still fell in love with it and played this game up and down and inside out. I just checked and it’s still my #1 most played game on the switch nearly 2 years later at 120 hours. That’s not even 1/10th of how long I played Skyrim, and yet it managed to have that insane appeal to it that drove my young eyes wide in pure thrilling excitement. The minimalist music accompanied by beautiful sounds of nature reminded me of the frozen tundra of the mountain sides watching sunrises in the Throat of the World, or exploring the sun glazed Rift. None of this was actively in my mind as I played it, but I knew that the same heartstrings that Skyrim tugged on were being tangled with by this amazing game. As a Zelda game it blew me out of the water, and if I devoured Skyrim whole, then Breath of the Wild ate ME whole, because I was not in control of this world; I was merely a spectator trying to survive and watch it for as long as I could.

My biggest gripe once I finished the game to pieces that fall was that there was “nothing to do”. “There’s nothing to do!” I whine as I sit on my 120 shrine, 600 korok seed save file that had a full inventory of every best weapon and nearly every side quest completed save file. The DLC would then come out but I never felt compelled to play it or finish it. I’m tempted to today and that’s why I’m writing this. I did everything the game had to offer, or at least I thought, as I would late learn of lots of different activities I never got to finish, but I enjoyed it and I wouldn’t trade that time for any skyrim experience.

BOTW struggles to stand up to Skyrim’s depth, but its scope is ambitious and accomplishes its own voice without relying on anything ever created besides the actual Zelda franchise characters and lore. Skyrim, on the other hand, is an achievement of a long struggle as a gaming studio, the ultimate pinnacle of what Bethesda has learned in creating open world games. BOTW is most certainly an easily accessible game, and is not nearly as dated as the launch graphics of Skyrim, but I still have to give Skyrim the title of my favorite open world game, not purely because of the nostalgia, but because of the depth and variety you could get out of multiple playthroughs. BOTW only has 1 link, and link only has so many skills. You can use them to screw with the environment and do some crazy cool stuff, but nothing will top the pure blank canvas that was a new Skyrim file in my eyes. BOTW doubtlessly takes a hard 2nd place.

[nashvilletonihon]

Let’s Talk About Culture Shock

Ok. I know what you’re thinking... “Rachel! It’s so good to have you back! I’ve missed you!” I know friend, I know. I say “life happens” a lot which is just as much of an excuse to make myself feel better for not updating as often as I should as it is legitimate reason for my lack of posts. (Especially because the last post I wrote I promised to write more...HA HA! Whoops!!)

That being said, remember when I first arrived in Japan and all of my posts were doom and gloom get me the f*ck outta here? Yeah, me too. Well, that was child’s play compared to the week I had. For the first time since I moved I experience very real and very genuine culture shock.

Now, you might be asking yourself what the difference between the culture shock I experienced a few months ago was and the culture shock I experienced this week is. I’m sooooo glad you asked.

Upon moving to a foreign country, the first several months are obviously very difficult. Especially if that country does not speak your native language. EVERYTHING is new and exciting and terrifying. You spend all of your time figuring out which markets to buy groceries at (and if you’re like me it’s three different ones), where to get your hair cut, how much time it takes to get to certain places, where the best restaurants are, if you should try new food based on the packaging photos alone...basically you’re just trying to survive. It’s a challenge but not necessarily a negative thing. Perhaps a slight inconvenience at most.

Fast forward to now. I’ve been here for 7 months and my life has fallen into a routine. I know when to wake up and how much time it will take me to get to each school, I know how much it costs to fill up my gas tank and where I can buy specialty foreign items like tortilla chips and popcorn. Things have gotten a bit more simple but by no means easy. Life is still a challenge but I don’t lose my mind every time I have to go to the grocery store now.

That was until this week...  

It all started Monday morning when I woke up not really feeling like myself. I  tend to dread the beginning of the school week because it means that I have to go to my base school (which I don’t exactly enjoy) and pretend to work for 8 hours instead of actually being in the classroom like I am at my visit school on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. This Monday was no different. I decided to begin the day by asking my supervisor (who 100% does NOT want to be my supervisor) to contact the Board of Education to let them know I have been excused from attending a last minute seminar as my friends are in the country. After I very calmly and simply explained this information, he proceeded to print out a schedule for said seminar, hand it to me with a curt ‘’there you go’’ and proceeded to go about his business. Mouth agape I’m shocked I didn’t blurt out ‘’you didn’t understand a word I just said did you??’’ even though I was screaming it in my head. Shocked beyond comprehension I turned to my computer and with an amazing amount of grace, decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. The rest of day went the same as every Monday usually goes. I’m used to being underutilized at my base school and while desk warming isn’t exactly what I would like to do, I normally don’t mind because it means I get to study Japanese, work on lessons for my visit school, surf the internet, etc...I keep my head down and try to blend into the desk chair. However, after I left school on this particular Monday I found myself hung up on the feeling of being mistreated and ignored. I tried to shake it but was unsuccessful as I took it with me to my visit school the next day.

Tuesday was まま ma ma (so-so). I had a few classes, one of which I taught solo, and I worked on decorations for my English Board. Although nothing monumental happened, I didn’t have my usual 元気 genki (energetic) attitude as I tried my best to hype the students up for the activities while also keeping them from tearing the school down. The day, as a whole, was pretty uneventful, kendo and karate practice included. (Even if I was a little less enthusiastic for them than I normally am.) I went to sleep that night with a heavy feeling in my chest and a nonchalant, indifferent attitude in my mind I now know is the beginning of an anxiety filled depression spiral. (Wheeeeee....)

I arrived at my base school on Wednesday morning buzzing with anxious energy feeling like I’m not even in my own body but instead floating just outside of it. I decided to try and put that energy to good use by updating the English Board which still had Christmas decorations on it. (January was filled with good intentions y’all...) I’m freaking elbows deep in switching everything out with pieces of tape on all my fingers when one of my JTE’s comes up to me and timidly says ‘‘Will you be joining the class today?’‘ In her defense I am technically supposed to attend her class. In my defense, I am literally used as a human tape recorder, spitting out a few vocabulary words and watching the students lose their mind when I pronounce Worcestershire sauce. My time would have been better spent changing the English Board...but I went to class and quietly stood by the stove instead.

Once class was finished, I knocked out the English Board and went to study at my desk. It is at this point that another JTE asks me if I had ‘’done my homework’’. Eyes glazing over I blankly stared back at him asked ‘’what homework?’’ ‘’The list of books you are supposed to write down for me to help improve my English.’’ he says. At this point I begin to very vaguely remember the conversation we had in regards to this topic. I believe I mentioned that I would make said list whenever I had the time...but I digress. I quickly assured him I would make the list and leave it for him under his computer for his perusal tomorrow when I am at my visit school. That fire put out I begin to work on studying kanji when I become acutely aware of how hard my supervisor is typing. He’s putting in grades and every time he smashes the ENTER button it sounds like he’s trying to push it through the entire keyboard. I do my best to ignore it when he finished and moves on to grading exams. As he circles each right answer I swear he’s doing his best to leave a circle shaped engraving on the desktop. It’s incredibly (and unnecessarily) aggressive. When lunch arrived I swear he slurped his miso soup louder and more annoying than usual. Granted, I’ve noticed all of these things before but today they were amplified. Every sound, every action made me grit my teeth in frustration. By the middle of the day I was crawling out of my skin anxious. I was in the throes of major cultural shock meltdown. It was at this moment that I remembered I should probably e-mail my Prefectural Supervisor to follow up on whether or not the supervisor at my base school had indeed contacted the BOE like I asked him to. Lo and behold as I was finishing my e-mail, one from my PA pops up in my inbox. I open it to discover that she’s letting me know that said base school supervisor has NOT contacted them regarding my excused absence from the seminar. Balling my hands into fists I try not to slam them on the desk in the worst fit of work rage I’ve had in a long time.  

Instead, I begin messaging Jacob stream of consciousness thoughts:   

“I want to go home. Home home. Back to America home. I want my mom. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to drive my own car. I want to drive on the right side of the road in my own car. I want to see people who look like me. I want to see people who don’t look like me but who aren’t Japanese. I want BBQ. I want a disgusting fast food burger. I want AMERICAN food. I never want to eat another Japanese meal again. I never want to see rice or sushi or freaking noodles EVER again. I don’t want to hear Japanese. I don’t want to speak Japanese. I want to hear English. I want to speak English. I want to go to the grocery store and know where and what everything is because I can READ it. I want to go to the movie theatre and see a movie. IN. ENGLISH. I’m tired. I’m over it. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”  

The entire time I’m going through this I’m doing my best not to lose my cool while sitting at my desk in the teacher’s room. It’s becoming increasingly more and more difficult. The teacher’s room is LOUD. Everyone is talking and laughing, calling to one another from across the room. To stop from screaming I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I draw blood. I’ve been messaging Jacob throughout the day and he’s aware of my current mental state. He’s doing the best he can while also working but I need air. I need quiet. I need to be alone. I grab my coat and race out the door.

I make the short walk to the コンビニ konbini (convenience store) across from my school where I buy a soda and some chocolate. I walk along the street toward the beach taking long swigs from my drink and angry munching my candy. I want nothing more than to be anywhere but here. I deep lungfuls of the crisp winter air. It’s chilly but the sun is out and the sky is clear. I lucked out weather wise. I do my best to clear my head and when I feel like I’ve been gone long enough to arouse suspicion, I head back to school. (Spoiler alert: No one noticed I was gone.) I’m not sure how but I manage to make it through the next 3 1/2 hours until it’s time for me to go home. I have to stop myself from sprinting out the door. As I walk to my car my friend, and fellow AET Natasha, messages to let me know that my request to attend Ichiba Elementary School on March 6th for their mini English Day has been denied because “I have classes”. (I will later find out that it’s Entrance Exams day and I more than likely don’t have to be at school period, much less in classes.) I get in my car and slam the door.

Jacob calls me on my way home as he walks to his bus stop. I sob like a baby. It’s the first time I’ve cried since October and it feels...good. I think I’d been bottling it up inside for a while now and having a gut wrenching, body shaking sob was soul cleansing. It wasn’t so much that I was sad, I was just so incredibly angry and frustrated that the only thing I could do was cry. I raged. I cussed. I shook my fists...and Jacob listened. Because he knew. The thing about culture shock is that it never truly goes away. It’s constantly there. But some days you’re better at ignoring it than you are others. And some days, heck, some weeks it all comes crashing down on you at once. Culture shock comes in waves. There are still days I want to pack up and go home. I miss my family and friends dearly. I miss the comforts of home and the things I’m used to. That being said, I’m beginning to create new comforts, make new memories. Mainly in part because of this guy:

A quick photo while celebrating 節分 setsubun (Spring/Bean Throwing Festival) at 吉田神社 Yoshida Shrine. SO. MUCH. GOOD. FESTIVAL. FOOD.

For those of you who creep my Instagram, you’ll have seen his handsome face a time or two before by now. For those of you who don’t, here he is. That mustachioed gentleman has pretty much been with me since Day 1. I met Jacob at the Kyoto Orientation Conference I attended 5 days after arriving in Japan. We became fast friends and as our friendship developed, so did deeper feelings. (He had them a lot earlier on than I did...for obvious reasons.) It wasn’t until our birthday (yes, we share the same birthday) that I realized “Oh sh*t. I think I’m in love with this guy.” Fast forward to four weeks later when I went down to visit him over the winter holiday and that little thought I had on our birthday had grown and solidified into a very concrete and very real feeling. I was head over heels 100% smitten. So before this post becomes another “doom and gloom” entry, I want you to know that not everything here in Japan has been bad. Not everything here in Japan has been terrible. Not everything here in Japan has been awful. (Contrary to the vast majority of my previous posts, I know.) Japan introduced me to the love of my life and showed me that a future here is possible...more than possible...a definite. 

Yes, culture shock is sneaky and culture shock is rude. It creeps up on you when you least expect it and turns the things you enjoyed into the things you resent. However, with the right mindset, the right friends and the right support system you can kick culture shock in the teeth and go about your regularly scheduled program. I’m fortunate enough to have the best kind of support system in the man I love who listens (to me rant), helps (me calm down) and advises (me not to take violent action) as need be. Seriously though, call me the luckiest gal in the world. 

I have so many more things to share concerning Jacob, our relationship and our future plans, but that is going to require a post all on its own. In the meantime, enjoy this photo of us being cute (and me with different bangs) while you wait.

Probably my favorite photo of us to date, here we are on 比叡山 Mt. Hiei after exploring 延暦寺 Enryakuji Temple with  琵琶湖 Lake Biwa and 滋賀県 Shiga Prefecture in the background. 

Japan be tryin’ real hard to knock a sistah down, but I’m holding strong and always moving forward. Now, hand in hand with the one I love.

じゃあまた (See you!)

- レイチェル (Rachel)

[asynca]

How do you stay... motivated isn't the right word, because motivation's fickle, but... I struggle severely with executive dysfunction as well as being unable to focus on any one thing for too long (Too Long™ is relative, in that some activities/projects I can do for 6-12 hours at a time every day for a week, but others I can't manage more than once every six months). I don't know if it's a problem for you at all, but do you have any advice on how to self-regulate and maintain a healthy workflow?

You know, I used to never struggle with this stuff! I do these days, too. I think a lot of it has to do with three things: 

1. Treating mental health issues with therapy and/or meds

Maybe some people can write while depressed, but I fucking can’t. I can’t write a word when I’m not well emotionally - and so if mental health is something you struggle with, 100% get that treated and managed before you beat yourself up over not being able to be creative. 

Furthermore, I had trauma related to my writing which took me a good 18 months to work through (to be honest, I’m still working through it), and it would have been silly to expect myself to be productive while I still had bad associations with writing. 

2. Being honest with yourself about the fact you’re a human being with a finite amount of energy

Ever noticed how some people seem to LONG to write and write voraciously and hungrily and never stop, turning out thousands and thousands of words a week? Did you used to be like that? 

Much like some people are extroverts (energised by others) and some people are introverts (energised by being alone), some writers are energised and rejuvenated by writing, and some writers are energised and rejuventated from taking a break from writing. You’ll probably move in and out of both types during your life. While you’re in the phase where writing motivates, inspires and rejuvenates you and you just can’t stop writing: fucking ride it because it’s not permanent. 

If you’re in the other usually longer phase, where you sort of enjoy writing (and maybe really enjoy another aspect of it, for example sharing your work with others), be honest with yourself. You’re not going to be able to write like Type A Voracious Word Monster, because it doesn’t matter if Word Monster is exhausted from whatever all day, if writing is building their energy rather than depleting it, they’re always going to out-write you. Instead, you’re going to need long breaks and probably to force yourself to start when you’ve planned to start. That’s okay: but don’t have unrealistic expectations for yourself. 

If you’ve been at work all day in a job that really uses your head, if you’ve been counselling a friend who’s depressed from a breakup, if things are quite difficult in your life right now: you can’t expect yourself to just come home and put in another 6 hours of writing. Your brain starts with 100% energy and various things deplete it. If you’re stuck on a battery alert, don’t beat yourself up about it. 

You have a finite amount of energy. When you’re not in the writing phase where your energy is rejuvenated by writing, you must, must, must be honest with yourself. Maybe force yourself to do a balanced amount of writing (say, 500 words or an hour, whichever comes first which is what I do), and then forgive yourself and let yourself rest. 

Balance is important in your life. It takes time (and sometimes aging) to help you realise that you are not a writing machine. Just because you have 6 hours left before you sleep, doesn’t mean you’re going to be able to use any of them to write if your brain is fried from life. 

Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t write right now. Relax. Enjoy something else. It’s okay. Plug your brain into a game, or a book, or watching netflix or hanging out with friends. Come back to writing when you have more charge. 

3. Maybe you just really don’t want to write that particular thing

Trust me on this: there’s always something people really want me to write. Something that there’s a lot of hype about, that people are nagging me for: and I want to give people what they want! I want to write something everyone will enjoy! I’m excited people are looking forward to it! But try as I might I just– can’t write it. 

I really think I want to write this thing, I’ve convinced myself it’s my ticket back to being a Word Monster, but it’s not. It’s not making my heart sing. I’m not lying in bed imagining what happens next. I can hardly write a fucking word on it, and when I do, it’s like wading through mud. 

I often find writing something else is like flicking a switch. Suddenly, the writing is happening again and it’s effortless. 

Sometimes, even though you think you want to write the thing, you actually don’t. 

IN SUMMARY 

Sometimes what feels like executive dysfunction is actually a normal brain that you’re trying to work too hard. Sometimes what feels like executive dysfunction is a normal brain that really just doesn’t want to write what you’re trying to make it write. Sometimes what feels like executive dysfunction IS exactly that and you need to get it treated before you progress. 

Aim for balance. Aim to understand what energises you and what depletes you, and how to recognise and manage these two types of activities. You can’t ‘switch on’ Word Monster mode, and you goal shouldn’t be to do that. If it happens, great, but don’t aim for it. Aim to integrate writing into your life in a way that makes it add to your life rather than stressing you out and pressuring you.

But most of all, don’t beat yourself up. You’re only human, and you’re doing the best you can with the knowledge of yourself you current have

[imgonnabeyourbubblegumwitch]

January Book: Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda (A Review)

In which I attempt to condense the complicated emotional roller coaster this book sent me on into a rational and non-screaming-in-anger review.

I think I did okay.  

Some spoilers so I’ve given my general opinion below and the actual review is below the cut. 

Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda: 1/5 Stars

Yeah I didn’t like it. I’m surprised too. 

I guess what frustrates me most about this book is some kind of internal insistence that I had to read it because it was LGBT and everyone else loved it. But it was making me miserable. But it was LGBT and everyone else loved it. But it wasn't fun. But it was…etc.

Anyway I guess shout out to Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda for reminding me there's no point reading something I hate just because other people like it or because it’s a particular genre. 

(Going to use this pretty obvious revelation to happily quit the Scarlet Witch comics I started just before Christmas. Marvel says she's no longer Magneto's daughter? Interesting opinion. I accept it's canon but I sure as hell aren't accepting it as my headcanon).

Anyway proper review below as promised. 

So I feel like I am going to be in a minority here but I really wasn't into this book. I wanted to like it because I heard a lot of good things about the film and so, being one of those book before film people, I picked this up expecting good things. Maybe the hype was part of what made it a bit of a let-down for me. I tend not to do well with things that have been hyped up; maybe because I end up with unrealistic expectations, maybe because I'm a special snowflake who has super special tastes different to the norm. I don't know.

So as I was starting to read this I was pretty scathing. I nearly gave up at page 21. Now? Honestly I'm just exhausted by it. I skim read through the whole thing in about an hour and a half just so I could say I sort of finished it. I'll be the first to admit that because of that perhaps I missed a lot of things that could have made the book a better experience for me. But honestly though, it infuriated me so much at the beginning that I couldn't read it any other way.

One of the biggest problems is that I don't really like books that use copious amounts of pop culture reference, especially when these can easily be dated. As a general rule I tend to prefer fictional universes that feel a little more timeless - Harry Potter, the Bartimaeus Trilogy, Lockwood and Co. Even my current favourite series - The Rivers of London - makes me grimace when it references to Brooklyn 99 or similar. This really is just a personal preference thing and I can understand why others would want to read a book about a clearly modern high school experience.

If you are like me however, Simon Vs the Homo Sapiens is probably not for you on this front. There are endless references to pop culture including some that, given the nature of internet culture, already feel a little dated. As an example of the many many pop culture references, some I can remember off the top of my head without even glancing at the book are: Tegan and Sarah, Tumblr, Yaoi, slash fiction, Harry/Draco fanfiction & Harry Potter in general, Def Leppard, Yoda, Katniss,  etc etc.

I guess the writing was fine. It was written as though in a way someone young might talk. It's a distinctive voice that most of the time I just kind of shrugged off as neither working for me, or irritating me. Occasionally however there were stylistic choices that were just odd. The extra half a second it took me to try and figure out the meaning of the sentence/phrase took me out of the story slightly - a minor nit-pick I know, but one I'll make anyway. An example from page 33: "If I were straight. The Abby thing. I do think I get it. " I re-read those sentences three times trying to figure out whether he meant "If I were straight I'd get people liking Abby" (as in, I struggle to objectively tell if someone of the opposite gender is attractive) or whether he meant "If I were straight I'd like Abby too" (as in, Abby is attractive but not really my thing being gay). I suppose maybe in the grand scheme it doesn't make too much difference. But little things like that interrupting my reading flow was not something I needed when I was already supremely uninvested in this story.

Another example is from later on when Simon makes a comical autocorrect error via email. Essentially the premise is his phone corrected "such" to "dick" but it took me such a long time to work this out because of the format of the emails. The second email sent - the correction - is above the first email because if you were looking in an inbox that is how they'd appear. But because you read down the page and because most of the other emails were naturally chronological reading in this fashion this really threw me. Again: minor nit-pick - the emails are timestamped so like the confusion was definitely me being a moron. But it's another instance of being taken from the book for a moment too long.

Another problem that impacted my ability to engage with this book is that I really didn't like Simon. Some of the things he said and the views he held made me a little uncomfortable. I don't expect every character to hold views exactly like mine and I accept someone doesn't have to be a likeable person to be a likeable character. There are some fantastic characters who aren't really very nice people, or who hold views that are dissimilar to society as a whole or to an individual reader. I guess an example of this might be the Lannister family from Game of Thrones - I wouldn't want to be friends with them or emulate like 95% of what they do. But they sure are fun to watch/read about.

Simon though, I think I was done with him by page 21 - my original quit point. At this point he mentions that he thinks it's different for girls when they come out because a lot of guys think lesbians are hot. This is kind of a case where I guess you don't have to agree with a characters view or observations, but these sort of things just pile up. Another early on moment that really bugged me was this comment when describing their friend group: "Leah's two friends, Morgan and Anna, who read manga and wear black eyeliner, and are basically interchangeable. Anna and I actually dated freshman year, and I still think she and Morgan are interchangeable. "

Perhaps this is meant to demonstrate he's very gay because he's not hyper-aware of girls appearances? But it just read like Simon lacking basic human decency of bothering to tell two people who are friends of a friend apart. And maybe he was trying to be funny? If he was, it definitely falls flat for me. There are mentions in the book of Simon being oblivious to what other people might want or think, forgetting to offer his sister food when he makes sandwiches for him and his friend for example, and maybe this is an extension of that. This still feels odd to me however.

In the light of fairness I will say there were moments when I did feel for Simon - when Martin attempts to apologise for example, and some of his pre-coming-out thoughts, worries and dilemmas did feel authentic. But they weren't enough to encourage me to read on or to root for him.

Final thought because this is really long and more attention than I intended to give this book in the end: I'm confused as to how this school tumblr is supposed to work. Is it one page and everyone has a log in? Is it a tag? I'm assuming it's a tag based system? Anyway I guess that's another minor nitpick that doesn't matter in the scheme of things.  I just struggled to picture how it would work.

So in conclusion, this book sent me through the five stages of grief -

Denial: well everyone else liked it so I must like it too I guess.

Anger: I can't believe I spent money on this book. Let me write down all the bits I hate for the review I'll write. Oh my goodness I can't believe Simon said/thought that.

Bargaining: okay well Simon is kind of annoying me but I'll skim read it - it'll probably get good in a bit.

Depression: I can't believe I'm still reading this book, I can't believe I'm the only one who doesn't like this book, I feel like I've been trapped reading this book forever, time is meaningless.

And, finally, acceptance: it is what it is, and I'm too tired to do much but admit this just wasn't for me.

Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda: 1/5 stars

[theoldestofthettails]

Rick the Great Adventurer (1 and done, my dudes):

Rick and I matched on *ding ding ding* Tinder. Rick didn’t have any face photos on his Tinder, but his bio was pretty intriguing, so I said “fuck it,” and swiped right. (I wish I didn’t remove him on Tinder so I could include some of his bio here, but alas, I act impulsively on occasion – or often). Rick is ~happily~ married, and approximately 36 years old (don’t judge me). Former marine, total beef head, kind of a douchebag, and a total dominant. I was hype AF for us to meet.

             So yeah, let’s talk about this “wife” thing. He was in fact married (wedding ring and all), but his wife and him have an open marriage (her idea). And when he told me it was her idea, I was like “oh, okay, so he must be bad in bed, yadda yadda yadda.” And then he goes on to tell me how she identified as “asexual” before having their child (so clearly they were having SOME sex, just not much), and then after birth, she went batshit with the hormones, and then decided she was poly. Big jump, but no judgment, whatever.

             So Rick and his wife are happily married, but also have boyfriends and girlfriends. Interesting. They even have a list of rules that I will include below – you can skip it, I don’t care (and I’ll never know):

 1.     No secrets, no limits

2.     Home is off-limits, and friends are off-limits without prior permission

3.     Any time spent with someone else is matched with each other

4.     Any time spend with someone else is doubled with [the kid] (my phrasing)

5.     All holidays, including birthdays, will be spent with the family

6.     At no time will either of [them] contact the others partner in any way without permission/presence

7.     Either one of [them] can call it off at any time

8.     Rules may be added/modified at any time if agreed upon

9.     Under no circumstances will either of [them] vent/confide/etc. about any marital stresses to other partners; as far as anyone is concerned [their] marriage is fucking perfect and nothing can come between [them]. Marital stresses should be discussed and resolved in the home, between [them], no exceptions.

10.  Effort will be made to keep it to weekends

11.  Condoms, always.

 So, as you can see, this shit it like legit. And I was all about it. This cool older couple engaging in a perfectly functional poly-relationship. Cool as fuck, right? Well it would be cool. So let’s get into it.

 As I said, Rick didn’t have any photos on his Tinder profile (being married and all that), so first things first, he sends me a photo on Snapchat. And I’m not impressed. Maybe I'm a dick, but I’m just not into his face, which sucks because he sounds like he could be so much fun… But hey, guys tend to look hotter in person, right? So I choke down my repulsion, and talk to him anyways, because … fuck it. So we’re talking all day (note: this is Sunday, after a night of fucking TEQUILA, so I’m an absolute wreck) about his life and his wife and his outside relationships and I'm getting all sorts of excited. This man is a legit erotic masseuse in addition to a security person that gets hired to work at SWINGER EVENTS! Legit, this man lives the coolest fucking life. And I’m all excited – the things he could show me, teach me, do to me… UGH. But the day continues on and I take a 4-hour nap and wake up in drool, hair matted to my head, it’s great. This is what Sunday’s are for. And then he messages me and tells me to take a shower, put on a dress, and meet him at 10pm at X because he’s in my area for the night. OH-FUCKING-KAY Zaddy!

 So I force myself to get up, not throw up, and take a shower. I do my hair, I put on a dress and heels, and I end up looking like a high end hooker, and you know what? Fuck it. I roll with it. I leave my place at 9:45, get there at 9:55, and there he is.

 Initial observations: he hasn’t lost all of his depression weight, his eyes are actually that little in person, and his age shows. He also came from working an event, so he’s in khakis and a black polo, while I’m in a cocktail dress and 5 inch heels. I’M FINE!  

 Also, there are FEW places open this late on a Sunday that serve alcohol (yo, I’m not drinking anyways – my poor liver wanted to die/was already dead). So we end up at some rinky-dink place that has one party of like 15 people and is otherwise empty. Note, this is a low-class joint, so my little outfit made me stand out. Don’t worry, I fucking worked the crowd – sent out little flirty smiles, giggled, played the whole shy/coy yet confident thing to a T. I legit think I like blacked out the experience or something because I had no control over what I was doing lol. It’s like I was a completely different person, a confident, hot person. Whatever though, I ran with it.

 So we find a table (note, he chose the seat against the wall so I didn’t feel trapped – how sweet). We sit down, a waitress (just as hungover as I was) took our order and didn’t judge me for only ordering water and only drinking about a quarter of it (I was just proud I didn’t throw it up). And then we talked. We talked about his service, his wife, his life, his kid, his brain injury and how it’s changed his life. And we obviously talked about me; maybe we talked too much about me. How I cried on a Tinder date (lol), had my heart broken, am killing myself trying to take care of my grandparents, am living a shambly life, trying to find my ex in a new person, etc. Like all of the shit. I don’t know why I keep having these deep talks with random Tinder dudes – it’s a breeding ground for me to get hurt lol.

 But more interestingly, he’s telling me about his work, the swinger parties he attends, relationships he has outside of his marriage, the relationships his wife has, and lots of cool stuff. He told me about what a “vanilla” is at a swinger party (someone who just watches – I’m all about it). He told me never to get into a hotel swimming pool again lol. He also invited me to a Halloween sex party the weekend before Halloween up in PA (tempting). And while all of this talking is going on, I’m dreading the moment when he tries to touch me. He’s definitely sweaty. And he has bad teeth.

 So I can feel the conversation shifting to leaving this bar, and less than anything ever, I don’t want this dude to come back to my house (note: he lives a solid hour away and was in my area for work that night). So we’re heading outside, moseying over to our cars and just chatting. And that’s when things get a little weird. He’s like “what do you want to do?” and I’m just sweating lol. Like I don’t want to outright turn down this dude because I’m still trying to be a nice person (don’t worry, I’m learning that doesn’t work in this dating thing).And I’m pussyfooting around the topic of what’s next, when he’s like “okay, we’re going back to your place and I’ll bring my massage table.”

 BOY! What part of my behavior indicated that’s what I wanted?!

 So I finally, firmly tell him that I’m not comfortable with that. And he’s super receptive, and is asking me what is making me uncomfortable, etc. He’s asking me how I want him to fit in my life, what kind of role I want him to play because he can fill any role I want… And he asks if he can kiss me. I make a compromise – he can kiss me if he walks me to my car (the road was really bad and I was wearing REALLY high heels). He says of course and walks me to my car. I open my door, put the key in the ignition, and turn around – he’s a solid 3-4 feet away from me. I’m like “wtf are you doing?” and he simply wanted to leave me space so I didn’t feel cornered. Seriously just a thoughtful thing. So I take the few steps to close the gap between us, lay my hand on his stomach, and lean in. And honestly … I was expecting to be disgusted. But I wasn’t? I closed my eyes and kept kissing him. And I even had a little stomach flutter!!! But then I opened my eyes. Fuck. And I pull back and tell him to get home safely. He asks me one final time if I want him to go home with me, to which I reply “absolutely the FUCK NOT.”

 He tells me to send him something sexy when I get home, but I jump in my car without another word and I’m out of there.

 Weirdest experience ever. I’ve never been so sexually aroused with the idea of a person, without actually being sexually aroused by that person…

 Anyways, the next day he’s messaging me (I was off from work and laying in bed), and he’s sending me snap videos of him telling me to get on my knees, choke myself and snap it to him…. I’ve never had someone so strongly misread a signal before. And he just keeps fucking sending this videos telling me what to do, calling me bratty for “misbehaving.” Guys, what the actual fuck. So I just stopped replying altogether, and a couple hours later I let him know that I’m not interested in pursuing anything further. I unmatched him on Tinder, but left him as a friend on Snapchat. Who knows, maybe with the right amount of alcohol I might find him attractive? *Shruggg*

 And thus concludes my Rick chronicles (hopefully!).

[becuztaelien]

BTS REACTION

So… Hi everyone! This my first piece of writing, so yea, be nice lol.

 They surprise you while you’re on tour (you’re a really well known idol)

Kim Seokjin

The entire stage was dark except for the single spotlight on me as I sang possibly the most emotional song on my album; ‘Endlessly’. It was obviously for Jin, my beautiful boyfriend of almost 2 years; about the way I loved him, about our future together, about how I wasn’t perfect, but perfect for him. 

I finished the second chorus and closed my eyes not able to help thinking about Jin through the soft piano instrumental. I lightly rocked back and forth lost in his eyes that I wasn’t even looking at. I was probably missing him too much because I felt two strong arms wrap around my figure, a familiar head resting on my shoulder, wow I can even feel his touch now. Slowly turning around, I gasped at the sight of Jin’s closed eyes and worldwide handsome face on my shoulder he looks so real and just so goddamn perfect I’ve definitely lost it, if the fans hadn’t gone wild I would have actually thought I’d lost my mind.

“Jin?!” I squealed not realising it was straight into the microphone, Jin stayed in his position and lightly hummed in my ear, okay he is definitely real ohmygod. “Jin what are you doing here, wait how did you get here-?” He put a single finger on my lips, clearly I was babbling unable to contain my excitement I’m in Australia, what the heck did he just come all the way here???

 “Shhh, I couldn’t wait 2 more weeks to see you, it’s been too long”      

Min Yoongi

I was walking towards my dressing room, ready to change and go home after 3 hours of singing, dancing, bad jokes and a LOT of laughs. Although I love doing concerts, I must admit, by the end of them I’m too worn out to function.

I quickly bowed to the staff around, thanking them for their hard work as usual and stumbled into my dressing room. Taking off my leather jacket, I threw it on to the couch without looking around, my eyes were barely open, this is what 2 hours of sleep feels like I thought.

“Ow!” you spun around absolutely baffled by the slight of your boyfriend slowly getting up from the couch with sleepy eyes.

“Yoongi?!”

“After I flew 10 hours here and waited 3 hours for you, this is what I get? Jacket to the face?” he said holding up said jacket and the rubbing at where it hit him. Even though I had barely an ounce of energy left in me, I ran over to him immediately, practically collapsing in his arms; shooketh and excited but still too tired to move properly.

“I’m sorryyyyyyyy Yoonglessssss” my obviously half assed apology along with hysteric laughing earned a tired ‘whatever’ from him. I stayed still for a while, not wanting to do anything but lie in his arms for the rest of eternity. Just as I was about to drift off into sleep; Yoongi reached up and held my face in his music genius hands and gently placed a kiss on my forehead.

“Hey” he said and I grinned widely at his soft smile and sleepy eyes of course he would be sleeping in my dressing room after that 10-hour journey.

“Hi” I said burying my face in his neck and closing my eyes again.

“Ya! Don’t go to sleep her-”

“You should have come sooner.” Even though I cut him off mid-sentence, which he absolutely hates, I felt a gummy smile against my neck followed by a hum of approval.

“I should have, shouldn’t I?” It had only been 1 week since my tour began, what are we gonna do with each other?

Jung Hoseok

Being musicians and lovers at the same time Hobi and I had recorded a couple of songs together however, since I was on tour by myself, I couldn’t help but feel a little upset when singing a song in which his part was just left as half a minute of silence from my lips.

As his part of the song approached my smile started to fade, I knew I had to be strong for the fans since there wasn’t much more time left until the tour ended anyway you’re gonna see him again soon, just keep it together y/n I thought to myself.

I was about to mouth the silent lyrics when I heard someone singing Hoseok’s part, as a matter of fact I heard Hoseok singing Hoseok’s part I spun round to see my sunshine walking towards me with open arms and a blinding smile oh my god Jung-J-Hoseok-Hobi-Hope.

The excited screams from the fans were louder than they had ever been but somehow I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of his beautiful voice. I ran towards him at the speed of light and allowed myself to be enveloped in his strong embrace feeling the soft vibrations of his voice against my forehead.

He finished his line and looked at me adoringly, ready to sing our shared and final chorus but being Hobi, he didn’t start before screaming into the mic first.

“SURPRISE Y/N!!!!!!” wow he is the literal definition of perfection what did I do to deserve this angel ohmygod he dyed his hair black ohmygodohmygod OKAY CALM DOWN AND SPEAK but before I could even open my mouth, he turned towards the fans and screamed again.

 “I think you’ve borrowed my jagiya for too long so after this song I’m taking her back” I have officially melted. 

Kim Namjoon

One of the staff members had just come in to let me know I had 10 minutes left to go on stage. I quickly checked myself in the mirror to make sure I looked my absolute best, after all it was the final concert after which I could fly back home to my boyfriend who I had left alone for a little over 2 months. He’s not actually alone though, I mean he lives with 6 other guys, he’s probably been occupied.  

The knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts as I waited for someone to notify me of how long I had left, upon not hearing anything, I turned away from the full length mirror, walking towards the door, I opened it confused as to why whoever was on the other side wasn’t saying anything.

 “Yes wha-” I was cut off as a tall figure lifted me off my feet and into a tight hug, the familiar scent flooded my senses and I realised what was happening Namjoon.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t wait any longer” did he really just apologise for making me the happiest girl on the planet? Namjoon wasn’t usually an outwardly clingy boyfriend so his words surprised me a little but I couldn’t help but smile at them, not admitting I absolutely loved this side of him.

 “You just stole my line” I said hugging him back twice as hard, when he let out a slight grunt of pain I loosened my grip and we both stood staring at each other; his hands resting on my waist and mine on his neck. I thought if perfect moments exist, this tops all the charts.

 “Y/N ON STAGE IN 2 MINUTES” I take that thought back… I gripped his shirt, all my strength concentrated in my fist obviously not wanting to let him go.

“AISH it’s okay it’s okay I waited this long already, I can wait another 2 and a half hours-” it seemed more like he was trying to convince himself rather than me, “-go blow that crowd away” he said kissing my temple and giving me the universal ‘Go get em tiger’ nod. I pouted and quickly pecked -or what I thought was ‘pecked’- his lips before running off.

 “See you after the concert Joonie!!!” I said leaving him flustered with a bright red mark on his lips, yep it definitely takes more than a peck for lipstick to stain.

Park Jimin

(Before you read Jimin’s watch the first 35 seconds of this to understand what I’m talking about https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc9lfT4L6T0 )

  As a pop/hip-hop singer I had a good amount of ‘hype’ songs with intense choreography, which obviously took days and days to perfect unlike Jimin who could memorise choreo in about an hour or two. All through the first verse of the song I kept thinking about how Jimin would be able to learn it in seconds and do it a hundred times better than me, which inevitably led me to think about him in general and miss him even more.

Right before the chorus was about to start someone jumped out from within the stage and landed gracefully right in front of me, what just happened? But from one look at his blonde hair I already knew who it was. The moment he landed, he immediately started dancing to the music that blasted from behind my frozen figure. Is that…?

“KEEP SINGING JAGI” Jimin screamed, turning his head ever so slightly with his half-moon eye smile on full display. Yep that’s Park freaking Jimin and… he just jumped out from inside the goddamn stage and started dancing to the song I was just thinking he would be good at dancing to…wow.

“Jimin??!! OH MY GOD” I yelled back before going up next to him and dancing along with him. The fact that he was dancing to my song with my choreography but 100 times better than me was definitely something only he was capable of. The entire atmosphere changed and the energy from the fans tripled, but somehow all I could focus on was Jimin; the way he moved his body so smoothly to the rhythm, the way he mouthed the lyrics, the way he just looked, his presence alone was suddenly so breath-taking, have I really been dating this piece of art for 2 years?

The second the song ended I jumped into his arms, tightly wrapping my legs around his waist and of course he did his signature full body laugh in that exact moment causing the both of us to fall on the stage. From the sound of the crowd losing their minds alone, I realised that I fell right on top of Jimin. I tried to get off but Jimin grabbed my thighs and pulled me back down onto him, looking me directly in the eye.

 “What did you eat? You look 10 times more beautiful than the last time I saw your face” I probably blushed really hard because he started laughing and pinched my cheeks lightly.

“Jajangmyeon…” I replied with the most genuine smile I had given in a while.

Kim Taehyung

I was missing my boyfriend like crazy and ever since my tour had begun, both of our schedules just got so packed, there was barely enough time to text let alone call. Right after singing the song I wrote for him, I felt especially needy, the only thing keeping me from actual depression was the sight of my ecstatic fans along the thought that I only had to wait 3 more weeks until I could see him again.

“Look at all your beautiful faces! Ah! Wow! So much beauty focussing just on me? I should go to jail for this” I said genuinely, my statement of course earned very loud ‘NO’ from them along with incoherent sentences telling me they don’t deserve me. No more like I don’t deserve all of your love I thought, here I am thinking about my boyfriend right in front of thousands of my adoring fans, who are the actual reason for all of my success, it almost felt like cheating. It was a well-known fact that I had one of the most beautiful fans in the whole world, maybe I just attract beautiful people… like Tae I thought ughhhh STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.

 “So what punishment should you receive for neglecting this beauty for 6 weeks?” A bright light shone on one of the high platforms on the stage which I didn’t even realise was there until I spun round and gasped, my heart skipping multiple beats at the sight of Kim Taehyung –the man I was trying not to think about- pointing to himself with the most adorable pout I had ever seen on a human being.

“TAE?!!” I barely managed to choke out, too over whelmed and awestruck by the current situation when a familiar song started playing and I saw all of the members enter the stage as the platform with my boyfriend began to lower. HOLY SHET!!! WHAT??? OMG HOBI, JOON, KOOK, YOONGS, CHIM, JINNIE!!!!!!! HOW ARE THEY ALL HERE AND TAE??? WTF IS HAPPENING?!

 “Yo, yo girl, I wanna, I wanna tell you this, that you’re ma… miss right” Joon started singing and I immediately covered my mouth trying to hide the ginormous smile forming on my face, TALK ABOUT THROWBACK. Slight tears began to tickle eyes at the sight of my best friends stood around me singing. Tae finally reached the stage and started walking towards me, the timing as perfect as him, wow talk about elegant.

 “Yes you’re my only girl, neoneun naege choego” he sang and immediately after, took me into his strong embrace, members still singing around us while the fans went wild. Apart from the sound of 6 beautiful voices all that could be heard was loud wolf whistles and it made me happy to think I had fans who supported my relationship and cheered me on rather than give him hate because of jealousy they were truly the best. Tae pulled away lightly and placed his forehead on mine, he gave me the most panty-dropping stare ever before moving his lips next to my ear.

“Next time you go for this long I’m gonna sue you”

Jeon Jungkook 

The concert was finished, I stood at the front of the stage seeing the crying faces of my beloved fans. Although we had spent near enough 3 hours together, it was obviously not enough, it was never enough, even for me. These were the people who supported me, put their time, and money into me just because they believed in me; if I had the chance I would take them all out to dinner just to thank them for everything they’ve done for me.

“Did you all have a good time?” I asked grabbing a bottle of water, half out of breath from the recent dancing and singing.

“YES!!!” they all screamed back in union without any hesitation, this always put the widest, toothiest smile ever on my face, it just made me so happy to be able to be the person who brought joy and happiness in their lives even if just for a little while.

 “Ah me too! I wish I could stay longer… maybe I can…should I stay?

I was expecting another loud ‘yes’ but this time they all stood silent; some covering their mouths others just staring with a blank expression. Furrowing my eyebrows, I was about to speak into the mic when a loud “NO” sounded through the speakers. I spun round, so fast my hair hit me in the face, quickly brushing it away, I finally understood the obscure reaction from my fans; there… near the exit of the stage… stood Jeon Jungkook. He was carrying what seemed to be all my bags with utmost ease and I definitely didn’t miss the way the tank top he was wearing made sure his muscles were on full display.

 “You’ve already spent more than 2 months with them, that’s exactly one sixth of the time we’ve been together.” It took a second for me to fully come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend had just flown 10 hours to see me and also did he really just do math? I tried to make sense of his odd use of fractions when it hit me. It was today.

“Happy one year jagiya” Kookie said pulling out a massive bouquet of roses from behind his back, I was too shooketh to say anything and simply stood there dumbfounded. “Joon-hyung may have helped construct that last sentence” he said lightly scratching his head and giving me his signature bunny smile.

  Jeon Jungkook… just voluntarily did math… for me… wow.

So yeaaaaa hope you all liked it, and if you want me to write more just send me an ask yayyy! Btw I’m Ash.