#and tired bc socialising hard

[zees-little-blog]

*whimpering noises*

[phagodyke]

trying to watch all of us strangers and it's just making me cry really hard this is why I don't do romance movies WAH

[29121996]

.

[noradoesrevision]

Day 1/70: burnt out study diaries

Honestly today was the best day I’ve had in a while.

Who knew that leaving the house, exercising and socialising with friends could brighten one’s outlook on life so much??

Anyways I’m gonna try really hard to do these updates regularly, because I just don’t have time to waste before exams.

Recently I’ve been feeling so burnt out, tired and have been struggling a lot to concentrate. But I’m back to semi-healthy habits now like sleeping a bit more and exercising, so I’m just gonna keep that up and hope it helps improve ability to do school stuff.

To-dos:

Finish the dam stats paper

Finish the dam biology paper

Watch stats videos

Even though I didn’t get everything done today, I still did way more than I have in a while and I managed to focus a lot better (I think a change of scenery can help). I still do get distracted a lot but it’s better and that’s positive at least.

Biology and mechanics mocks tomorrow, ahhh

(Actually rlly stressed bc I need As and A*s and I’ve been getting like Cs and Ds in practice papers)

Okay, gonna go to bed now and get that sleep I was talking about (although I might read first….)

Goodnight :)))

[evansbby]

hear me out girl…

after a long day, Daddy Ari likes to make his gf ride his jean- clad thigh as he makes her suck his thumb/fingers because she’s his little baby gf 😫

(btw love all your content, you’re by far my fave account!)

i literally ghost wrote this 🥺😮‍💨

like i can totally imagine coming home from a hard day of socialising with so many people and you’re so tired and drained out and you just want your daddy 🥺🥺 and Ari says he knows how much of a good girl you were today and how you’re always such a good girl and you deserve to make yourself feel good. so he lets you ride his thigh and the material of his jeans feels so good against your bare pussy and yes he lets you suck his thumb bc you’re just his little baby and he’s your daddy and he loves you so so much 🥺🥺🥺

(also thank you bestie ily🥺🩷🩷)

[microsuedemouse]

vent post bc I’m in a crummy mood tn, sorry gang

I Know that if I want things to get better rn I need to act in some way. I Know that I’m basically the only one who can change anything about a lot of what’s making me miserable. but every goddamn problem I try to address seems to exist in a shitty evil cycle with some other problem

if I took better care of myself maybe I would be more appealing to the people I want to befriend -> if I had friends to see and didn’t feel so lonely maybe I would have the motivation to take better care of myself

maybe if I worked more I wouldn’t be perpetually broke, and I could actually do something else once in a while -> my job fucking exhausts me at ~22 hours a week; I don’t have the energy to do anything else even if I could afford it

obviously I need a better job than this one, which is sucking all the life out of me -> I do not have the energy a lot of jobs would require -> a job that suits me better might be less fucking exhausting, but I don’t have the qualifications for much -> maybe I should go back to school in some capacity -> school is expensive and I’m terrified to go further into debt without any certainty it’ll help me any

loneliness and isolation are taking an enormous fucking toll on me right now, and I’m desperate to try and connect with people around me, but I was socially anxious to begin with and the last few years have left me really out of practice -> I try to reach out to people but I fumble or my desperation shows through and progress is awkward and slow at best -> I only get lonelier and more desperate

there are people at my job I really, really want to befriend, and am slowly making inroads with, but it’s hard bc there aren’t a lot of opportunities to socialise -> again, I desperately need a different job, but I’ll lose touch with these few people and I don’t think I’m far enough along with them to stay connected, and even if there were potential friends at the next job I’d be starting from the fucking ground all over again

I am trying so hard but everything is so tangled up and difficult and I feel so small and tired and alone all the time and it’s so difficult to convince myself it isn’t all just futile

[theofreakingbell]

cw/tw pet death

one of our cats is dying and needs to be put down in the morning and I am so distracted from even just being able to grieve because like

I like in basically two rooms in our house that can be dark enough so that I don't get overwhelmed by the light, and the kitties can't get in because leaving the doors open, especially when sleeping, it's a sensory nightmare. so I asked my mom over a year (possibly twi? ik it was more than a year and a half) ago if we could get kitty doors in the doors. and every month or two since then. no kitty doors. I asked her in large part because I knew I didn't have forever with them and I wanted to let them in so I could spend time with them, as I have spent virtually none in the last four or five years. no kitty doors. she kept saying she would. and now that chance is fucking passed for this entire little being. this kitty and I don't get another chance.

I'm so fucking livid and scared because it feels like no matter what I do no matter how I ask or how often important things never happen and I'm just never going to see people or anything I love before they die. for no reason. and that nothing is ever going to happen unless I do it myself, and it is so hard to stop myself from trying when I can't do stuff because it hurts me but it feels like the only way anything will ever happen (this has happened multiple times with health things where numerous doctors never figured something out until I googled it or saw a comment on instagram or something that put it together and brought it to them on a silver platter. it's a mindfuck because some of that stuff could have killed me so the feeling is uuh. very not good and very intense) 

I'm sorry tinky (her name is Tink). I'm sorry I wasn't healthier for you and couldn't work it out myself. I'm sorry I wasn't a better advocate for you and that I couldn't love you in person as much as I love you from here. I couldn't have but still. I'm sorry. and I'm sorry my mom let us down like that. I feel so fucking helpless to help you or anyone else. 

I feel so utterly powerless rn and like I should just say bye to everyone I love because they're just going to die and I'm never going to be given the oppurtunity to say hi or even bye because my mom is gonna forget, or get distracted, or not bother, no matter how many times I ask her or how I ask her, no matter if I cry while doing so. We were so close to actually getting a door too after years of asking begging offering to help in any way that I can. I'm so angry and scared rn. 

I'm also terrified bc what if the same thing happens to our other kitty. they are sisters they are the same age and I've been terrified of that. I'm closer to the other kitty, picked her out myself when she was a kitten from a shelter few and I want to squeeze her close to me and never let her go and I can't even let her in to comfort her. I'm so mad. 

I just wish it wasn't so obviously preventable. so obviously something that could have gone differently if my mom had just bothered to do so sooner. She gets to sleep with them every night. gets to see them and socialise with them every day, and yet she couldn't bother to arrange me being able to see them despite me begging her periodically for over a fucking year. I wish I didn't have to deal with THAT hurt and break of trust as well as my grief. the only thing that's stopping me from screaming at her is that it would wake my brother, and she was his more than anyone else's. he picked her out from the shelter almost a decade ago. and she would hear it and I don't want her to have her last night here be awful. 

I'm so tired of my fucking parents. I'm so tired of them adding to existing issues and causing entirely new ones. I'm so exhausted and crying makes me sicker but I can't just not. I wish it didn't and I didn't have to be afraid of simply crying.

The amount of times I have only been able to just lay here feeling like shit and wishing they could lay here with me. they liked doing that. and now I'll never get the chance with her again. angry

I feel so fucking empty.

[spuddlespud]

Bitter singleton valentines grumbling under the cut

Putting this under the cut bc its probs just gonna be me being bitter and lonely.

All my 'friends are not any less important than partners' queer friend s have paired off (and do fucking couples nights now) and just pulled away. It's not like any one person has done something wrong, and some of it is shifting relationship dynamics and me not being able to be out and about as much. I'm just feeling lonely and chronically ill and a bit abandoned, and I'm just not in a place where I'm likely to be making romantic connections any time soon (I'm finding it hard enough just to get out and socialise atm). Things where I'd have been invited to before people now take their partners.

I normally love valentines day and spend it with friends, and nobody wanted to do anything this year (its ended up being a moot point anyway as I have caring responsibilities). It feels a bit like I was the placeholder friend until people found their romantic partners.

Anyway, I said it would be a bitter grumble and it is. Perpetually single, perpetually ill, perpetually tired.

[thecurseofclever]

I feel empty.

not the depressive kind because i'm not sad. i just feel nothing.

there's no reason for me to stay up at night but it's the only time where i can just be. i've been told that's just another thing that is a result of my autism. because i mask so hard throughout the day just to fit in with society by the time i come home i have no desire whatsoever to be a person and the only time i get to enjoy that is at night.

& i could be doing so many things right now. there's chores to be done. things i should organise to help my life flow a little better. i could be going to the gym to get this fucking weight off me but...

i just feel defeated & empty.

i've convinced myself it's not gonna get any better from here because there's no logical direction for me to go.

my girlfriend loves me so. to a degree where i don't understand why she wants to be here. we're all wrong for each other in some ways. like she eats and cooks and those were two things that didn't really happen a lot when i was single (hence why i'm fuxking atrocious now). but i'm also too tired to fix it. fixing it would mean straying from the normal routine and that just sounds like such a hassle. fixing it feels like it would mean having a partner who is even a little bit concerned about their image and i don't. i want to be more invested in this relationship and i want her to feel the full happiness and love she deserves but i don't think i can give that to her bc i'm too busy hating myself for not meeting the standards of the world. we're also just so different. im not sure leaving is in the picture tho. we both have a love for each other but something small inside of me still feels like there's so much more to life i should be doing or enjoying. right now i can't. right now i've found myself in a relationship that although happy is not the best for me.

i'm just tired. i don't want to end my life but i also feel so worthless that i can't see it being any different.

so many people want me to socialise or to socialise with me and i don't know how to tell these supposed friends that

(1) if i didn't have to leave my house to work to afford the things i need for my house i would never escape my apartment.

(2) i don't deserve friends. i don't deserve nice clothes. i don't deserve fun adventures.

once you reach a certain weight what is even the point of existing ( i feel that way about myself and people in general) ((i really took the phrase no one cares unless you are pretty or dying to heart)).

i should pick myself up and fix all of this but i'm just so tired & i can't see a point in trying bc based on pattern recognition that's not gonna get me anywhere.

i realise i've said this a bunch but i am so fuxking tired. exhausted. there's nothing for me to do but just exist everyday and im grossed out by that.

i wanted to say so many other things but typing that made it all worse so now i'm gonna go think about how fat people should exist and i should change my life but there's to much resistance anyways....

[wongfayes]

so was anyone gonna tell me my moon pc has cancer moon conjuct cancer rising (0degrees no less) or was i just supposed to figure that out on my own? and it’s full moon? like it makes sense when i think abt it but still. how?

the universe rly said oh hun you aint going anywhere with ur emotions ur just going to lock them up and look at them from time to time. ur gonna not be able to communicate shit to anyone. only thing u gonna do with ur emotions is joke abt ur trauma and that’s it, don’t let them see weakness. and then sometimes you’ll lay in bed at night almost crushed to death by longing but completely unable to do anything about it. and like. how do i get anywhere from this.

being super sensitive to people’s comments and just being rly influenced by stuff which makes socialising tiring and rly hard bc jfc why are people so heavy sometimes, ig i come across as nice but a bit reserved emotionally, at the same time slightly intimidating/intense, when i talk abt emotions its usually just me joking about my trauma and/or mental health 💀🤡 (sag mercury tingz ig 💅🏼)

i guess i also finally found out why i have a thing for ppl with significant cancer placements ._. it’s just something abt that whole cap-cancer axis that makes me weak af.

[mainfaggot]

Had the most exhausting day ever

[somecunttookmyurl]

If It is okay to ask, how to tell when a kid is adhd or just being a kid? Looking back I can see a few signs like constant daydreaming, restlesness fidgeting etc but that wasnt much different from the other kids. As a teenager it became more clear I think because most of girls my age were not behaving like tomboys anymore and the symptoms mentioned above did not go away plus i think I had/have rsd. But only now as an adult i feel like these things are actually getting on the way. I daydream a lot, the restfulness didn't go anywhere, rsd still anoying as fuck (i think this is related with being a people pleaser? I got that too) and i notice more and more this horrible thing you usually call executive dysfunction. I cant really get a diagnosis and while I relate to a lot of symptoms and posts adhd people share, I'm really scared Im just procrastinating and trying to use adhd as an excuse for not getting things done. And I feel really bad about that. So back to my original question, if the signs were there since childhood but did not trouble me until like 4 years ago, how can i tell If It was adhd or Just kid stuff?

i mean the fact it didn't go away is a pretty good tell, honestly.

redmore to save the dash

as an adhd kid you may, with other children

-had difficulty making/keeping friends or socialising and felt "weird" or "different"

-were not invited to parties, made excuses to not go, or acted inapproptiately when there (and were never invited back)

-easily gave in to peer pressure from a desire to "fit in"

-were probably called "gullible"

-found it difficult to "wait your turn" in any activity

-frequently picked last for games and team sports

-found it difficult to "share" things with others

-caused fights/arguments with siblings/other children over trivial things

-may have been called "spiteful" or "vindictive"

-not realised when you were "taking things too far" with joke or play

-tried to annoy people on purpose

_________________________________

as an ADHD child in school you may

-consistently not done school/homework until the last minute. not by choice, but because you could never seem to "just get started on it" until it was immediately pressing

-not known where to start with longer-term projects / never really "got" how to study or revise for exams. could not organise notes.

-made careless mistakes in schoolwork

-had report cards littered with "intelligent but could try harder" "needs to apply themselves" "has potential but lazy" etc

-parents/teachers said you had an "attitude" / you had a tendency to "talk back"

-often seemed to forget things you had already learned until you were reminded of them, or had difficultly linking knowledge together

-doodled a lot in class, and found doing so made it easier to listen

-easily distracted by external stimuli ie things happening outside the classroom window, or a conversation in the next room

________________________________

as an ADHD child at home you may

-had trouble getting up in the mornings (your parents had trouble dragging you up, and you felt groggy/sleepy "just 5 more minutes")

-had issues going to bed. did not seem "tired" at bedtime. stayed up late reading frequently. refused to get ready for bed.

-always been rushed to get ready for things

-being forgetful or "a ditz"

-being called "lazy"

-forgetful with daily activities such as brushing your teeth and would need to be reminded

-found it hard if not impossible to keep your room clean and organised. not "knowing where to start" with it

-walking past things without seeing them. eg my parents would leave my laundry on the stairs to take up and then berate me because "you've walked past it six times today". not really seeing mess in general bc it became "background noise"

-not following through on instructions/not finishing what you were asked to do. like doing half of the dishes

-you were over-sensitive to criticism

-would often lie to get out of obligations, maybe even compulsively (ie you couldn't help it)

-you answer to "why did you do/say x" or "why didnt you do x" was frequently "i don't know" and you genuinely didn't know

-liked to do things the same way every time and got upset if the structure or plan changed

-would become frustrated if your demands were not immediately met. could not "wait until later"

-somebody would ask you to do something and you wouldn't do it for several hours, without realising it had been that long

_________________________________________

as an ADHD child in your leisure time / emotionans you may

-people saying "are you even listening to me?" a lot

-talking excessively, being "a chatterbox"

-despite being a "chatterbox" around familiar people, you were very shy/withdrawn around others. your two modes are "verbal diarrhea" and "mute"

-answering questions before the person even finished asking, interrupting others a lot

-you had a lot of interests but didn't keep up with any of them for very long

-were "emotional" or "overdramatic" ie crying or getting angry easily

-identified as a "perfectionist" and would either hyperfocus on unimportant details, or gave up on new pursuits you were not "immediately good" at

-people said you have a "selective memory" because you can eg name all 151 pokemon in order but not remember to pick up milk on the way home

-your moods seemed to change quickly and drastically

-had difficulty "behaving yourself" in public ie when out shopping

-broke/smashed things when angry

-got injured by doing reckless/stupid things

-complained of "being bored" often

-watched TV or played video games excessively and could lose hours at a time without noticing

[holyshit]

Kayak 😭😭😭 sending you so much love. You’re not a nuisance, but I couldn’t relate more to that feeling, especially (like you say) since the pandemic. I was saying to a friend the other day how over the past 2 years people seem to have got set in their ways of only socialising with family and a few close friends (lol except me bc I don’t see my family), which I think is understandable given that, somehow, it feels “safer” to spend time with a small group of people. But people seem to have got stuck doing that - socialising in small groups, the same small group of people over and over - and it can make reaching out to people who already seem to be having The Best Time on social media with people who Absolutely Aren’t You super super hard. I don’t know why I’m explaining all this - you know all this. I guess I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, and that if people aren’t getting back to you it says *so* much more about them than it does about you. You’re brilliant 💕

thank you so much, i love you 🥺!! that really is so true and i havent fully thought of it that way- the becoming accustomed to primarily only seeing/talking to a select few people and how it's been hard to get out of that rhythm... it's so true. and i think for me there's an additional element for the people who i haven't seen in person for a long time and have only talked to through text/the phone, there's that lack of seeing their face and that in-person chemistry that makes it clear the relationship is still there. so i'll have people who, if everything was normal, i would have seen multiple times in these last few years, and now i have not seen at all in years, so it's much easier for me to spiral thinking they hate me because i don't have that reassurance from seeing their facial expressions and receiving their hugs that makes it clear they still like me and enjoy being around me. it's so much easier to get in my head and overanalyze everything i'm saying looking for reasons why they might misunderstand something i say and think i suck suddenly lol. and then occasionally i'll have that general social stress even bleed into my interactions with people i do talk to regularly so i end up on pins and needles waiting for The Message that will turn them off from me. it's so exhausting and irrational and i'm so tired of feeling this way. anyway, i am so sorry you've felt something similar too- you are absolutely not a nuisance either and you're such a wonderful person that i'm glad to have met <3 i appreciate you so so much

[nicistrying]

Friday 28th Jan 22:

Survived my closing shift last night! It went pretty smoothly. I didn't get everything done I wanted, but I did get everything done that needs to be done at night. Despite technical difficulties too. Cashed up totally fine, I made mistakes but managed to fix them, and we were out by 10.15! I was expecting it to be later than that. So I was really happy with myself!

Today we went for our usual walk, tired Maggie out and then stopped off at the big park for some socialisation when she wasn't full of energy. She did really well! I'll definitely be doing it more often. We saw lots of squirrels and she obviously wanted to chase them but she didn't go too crazy and would come along when we kept walking. She scrabbled at a few people we passed bc she was frustrated being on her leash and not free to go say hello but she walked past others without any issue. Politely passed other dogs on leashes, played in the play area with a boxer and a poodle, WALKED AROUND A LAKE FULL OF GEESE, SWANS, DUCKS AND VARIOUS OTHER BIRDS WITHOUT CHASING THEM, and curiously observed a toddler but didn't try to go running up to her. She did bark and lunge at runners but that's something to work on further down the line. Just to be able to walk in public places where she can see more people and meet more dogs without her being overly reactive would be amazing! This is the face of one extremely proud collie owner when we got home 😂

Chilled in the house for a few hours all together before Matthew had to go to work and it was so lovely. We just had lunch together and drank tea on the couch in the afternoon! It was wonderful. I squeezed my core workout in before he left and it felt great! Kind of miffed at my heart rate zones though bc I was working hard! Never mind. I enjoyed it and that's more important. I did 4 rounds, 40 secs work, 20 secs rest.

And now just relaxing on the couch for the evening. Going to make myself a hot chocolate and enjoy my Friday night all to myself. Maggie is super tired tonight and idk if maybe she's coming into season so I'm just going to leave her be.

In other exciting Maggie news, her buttons arrived the other day and I finally had time to put them out tonight! She went straight to them and had a sniff, tried to nibble them but left them when I said so, and started pressing them straight away! I'm amazed how quickly she got the accuracy and that it has to be pushed down. So I turned 3 of them on, 'outside', 'play' and 'all done' because she already knows what those mean. She pressed 'outside' so I took her outside. She seemed a bit bewildered but she'll get the association eventually! I'm sooo excited to get more once she gets the hang of it 😄

[phagodyke]

vent post pls ignore thank u 🙏

re last post like while it is frustrating how tired out i get sometimes, I genuinely like working and on weekdays I don't rly mind just exercising eating and going to bed. the pattern I'm starting to notice is that when I regularly attempt to be social, my mental health starts nosediving, even though I like spending time w friends... 90% of my issues are centred around emotional dysregulation (I do struggle with other things but have pretty solid coping mechanisms for most of them + also hopefully meds will help eventually) and socialising tends to exacerbate that pretty drastically bc I'm frankly very socially insecure/inept + have a lot of deep rooted issues concerning trust + intimacy which make me strongly avoidant so trying to form friendships deeper than surface level is unnecessarily complicated + painful for me to manage. but when I'm socially 'isolated' I do function pretty much fine, even if I miss it. like. I dunno. I don't think isolation is a good habit in the long run bc it'll degrade my social skills further + I don't want to spend my entire life never having truly meaningful relationships with anyone. but also I'm kind of at a loss as to how to balance it with my mental health bc the 'side effects' I get are drastic to the point of intolerable sometimes + no amount of therapy or cbt/dbt skills seem to be able to circumvent that. like don't get me wrong I love my friends a lot I just feel like I have all the wrong sockets and wires to connect to other people so every time I do they start spitting sparks and smoking.. and I feel like most other people pick up on that too and find it really difficult to be friends with me on their end. I just don't know man. I don't think I can deal with feeling like this forever I wish I didn't care so much about everything so it was fine and I could just be satisfied with what I have or I wish I was actually introverted so I wouldn't even rly have the need to socialise in the first place it's just so fucking HARD and I'm tired of fucking up all of the time I can't get it right ever and!!!!!!!

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!��� or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333