#and tired bc socialising hard

[zees-little-blog]

*whimpering noises*

[mainfaggot]

Had the most exhausting day ever

[phagodyke]

trying to watch all of us strangers and it's just making me cry really hard this is why I don't do romance movies WAH

[29121996]

.

[evansbby]

hear me out girl…

after a long day, Daddy Ari likes to make his gf ride his jean- clad thigh as he makes her suck his thumb/fingers because she’s his little baby gf 😫

(btw love all your content, you’re by far my fave account!)

i literally ghost wrote this 🥺😮‍💨

like i can totally imagine coming home from a hard day of socialising with so many people and you’re so tired and drained out and you just want your daddy 🥺🥺 and Ari says he knows how much of a good girl you were today and how you’re always such a good girl and you deserve to make yourself feel good. so he lets you ride his thigh and the material of his jeans feels so good against your bare pussy and yes he lets you suck his thumb bc you’re just his little baby and he’s your daddy and he loves you so so much 🥺🥺🥺

(also thank you bestie ily🥺🩷🩷)

[microsuedemouse]

vent post bc I’m in a crummy mood tn, sorry gang

I Know that if I want things to get better rn I need to act in some way. I Know that I’m basically the only one who can change anything about a lot of what’s making me miserable. but every goddamn problem I try to address seems to exist in a shitty evil cycle with some other problem

if I took better care of myself maybe I would be more appealing to the people I want to befriend -> if I had friends to see and didn’t feel so lonely maybe I would have the motivation to take better care of myself

maybe if I worked more I wouldn’t be perpetually broke, and I could actually do something else once in a while -> my job fucking exhausts me at ~22 hours a week; I don’t have the energy to do anything else even if I could afford it

obviously I need a better job than this one, which is sucking all the life out of me -> I do not have the energy a lot of jobs would require -> a job that suits me better might be less fucking exhausting, but I don’t have the qualifications for much -> maybe I should go back to school in some capacity -> school is expensive and I’m terrified to go further into debt without any certainty it’ll help me any

loneliness and isolation are taking an enormous fucking toll on me right now, and I’m desperate to try and connect with people around me, but I was socially anxious to begin with and the last few years have left me really out of practice -> I try to reach out to people but I fumble or my desperation shows through and progress is awkward and slow at best -> I only get lonelier and more desperate

there are people at my job I really, really want to befriend, and am slowly making inroads with, but it’s hard bc there aren’t a lot of opportunities to socialise -> again, I desperately need a different job, but I’ll lose touch with these few people and I don’t think I’m far enough along with them to stay connected, and even if there were potential friends at the next job I’d be starting from the fucking ground all over again

I am trying so hard but everything is so tangled up and difficult and I feel so small and tired and alone all the time and it’s so difficult to convince myself it isn’t all just futile

[theofreakingbell]

cw/tw pet death

one of our cats is dying and needs to be put down in the morning and I am so distracted from even just being able to grieve because like

I like in basically two rooms in our house that can be dark enough so that I don't get overwhelmed by the light, and the kitties can't get in because leaving the doors open, especially when sleeping, it's a sensory nightmare. so I asked my mom over a year (possibly twi? ik it was more than a year and a half) ago if we could get kitty doors in the doors. and every month or two since then. no kitty doors. I asked her in large part because I knew I didn't have forever with them and I wanted to let them in so I could spend time with them, as I have spent virtually none in the last four or five years. no kitty doors. she kept saying she would. and now that chance is fucking passed for this entire little being. this kitty and I don't get another chance.

I'm so fucking livid and scared because it feels like no matter what I do no matter how I ask or how often important things never happen and I'm just never going to see people or anything I love before they die. for no reason. and that nothing is ever going to happen unless I do it myself, and it is so hard to stop myself from trying when I can't do stuff because it hurts me but it feels like the only way anything will ever happen (this has happened multiple times with health things where numerous doctors never figured something out until I googled it or saw a comment on instagram or something that put it together and brought it to them on a silver platter. it's a mindfuck because some of that stuff could have killed me so the feeling is uuh. very not good and very intense) 

I'm sorry tinky (her name is Tink). I'm sorry I wasn't healthier for you and couldn't work it out myself. I'm sorry I wasn't a better advocate for you and that I couldn't love you in person as much as I love you from here. I couldn't have but still. I'm sorry. and I'm sorry my mom let us down like that. I feel so fucking helpless to help you or anyone else. 

I feel so utterly powerless rn and like I should just say bye to everyone I love because they're just going to die and I'm never going to be given the oppurtunity to say hi or even bye because my mom is gonna forget, or get distracted, or not bother, no matter how many times I ask her or how I ask her, no matter if I cry while doing so. We were so close to actually getting a door too after years of asking begging offering to help in any way that I can. I'm so angry and scared rn. 

I'm also terrified bc what if the same thing happens to our other kitty. they are sisters they are the same age and I've been terrified of that. I'm closer to the other kitty, picked her out myself when she was a kitten from a shelter few and I want to squeeze her close to me and never let her go and I can't even let her in to comfort her. I'm so mad. 

I just wish it wasn't so obviously preventable. so obviously something that could have gone differently if my mom had just bothered to do so sooner. She gets to sleep with them every night. gets to see them and socialise with them every day, and yet she couldn't bother to arrange me being able to see them despite me begging her periodically for over a fucking year. I wish I didn't have to deal with THAT hurt and break of trust as well as my grief. the only thing that's stopping me from screaming at her is that it would wake my brother, and she was his more than anyone else's. he picked her out from the shelter almost a decade ago. and she would hear it and I don't want her to have her last night here be awful. 

I'm so tired of my fucking parents. I'm so tired of them adding to existing issues and causing entirely new ones. I'm so exhausted and crying makes me sicker but I can't just not. I wish it didn't and I didn't have to be afraid of simply crying.

The amount of times I have only been able to just lay here feeling like shit and wishing they could lay here with me. they liked doing that. and now I'll never get the chance with her again. angry

I feel so fucking empty.

[thecurseofclever]

I feel empty.

not the depressive kind because i'm not sad. i just feel nothing.

there's no reason for me to stay up at night but it's the only time where i can just be. i've been told that's just another thing that is a result of my autism. because i mask so hard throughout the day just to fit in with society by the time i come home i have no desire whatsoever to be a person and the only time i get to enjoy that is at night.

& i could be doing so many things right now. there's chores to be done. things i should organise to help my life flow a little better. i could be going to the gym to get this fucking weight off me but...

i just feel defeated & empty.

i've convinced myself it's not gonna get any better from here because there's no logical direction for me to go.

my girlfriend loves me so. to a degree where i don't understand why she wants to be here. we're all wrong for each other in some ways. like she eats and cooks and those were two things that didn't really happen a lot when i was single (hence why i'm fuxking atrocious now). but i'm also too tired to fix it. fixing it would mean straying from the normal routine and that just sounds like such a hassle. fixing it feels like it would mean having a partner who is even a little bit concerned about their image and i don't. i want to be more invested in this relationship and i want her to feel the full happiness and love she deserves but i don't think i can give that to her bc i'm too busy hating myself for not meeting the standards of the world. we're also just so different. im not sure leaving is in the picture tho. we both have a love for each other but something small inside of me still feels like there's so much more to life i should be doing or enjoying. right now i can't. right now i've found myself in a relationship that although happy is not the best for me.

i'm just tired. i don't want to end my life but i also feel so worthless that i can't see it being any different.

so many people want me to socialise or to socialise with me and i don't know how to tell these supposed friends that

(1) if i didn't have to leave my house to work to afford the things i need for my house i would never escape my apartment.

(2) i don't deserve friends. i don't deserve nice clothes. i don't deserve fun adventures.

once you reach a certain weight what is even the point of existing ( i feel that way about myself and people in general) ((i really took the phrase no one cares unless you are pretty or dying to heart)).

i should pick myself up and fix all of this but i'm just so tired & i can't see a point in trying bc based on pattern recognition that's not gonna get me anywhere.

i realise i've said this a bunch but i am so fuxking tired. exhausted. there's nothing for me to do but just exist everyday and im grossed out by that.

i wanted to say so many other things but typing that made it all worse so now i'm gonna go think about how fat people should exist and i should change my life but there's to much resistance anyways....

[wongfayes]

so was anyone gonna tell me my moon pc has cancer moon conjuct cancer rising (0degrees no less) or was i just supposed to figure that out on my own? and it’s full moon? like it makes sense when i think abt it but still. how?

the universe rly said oh hun you aint going anywhere with ur emotions ur just going to lock them up and look at them from time to time. ur gonna not be able to communicate shit to anyone. only thing u gonna do with ur emotions is joke abt ur trauma and that’s it, don’t let them see weakness. and then sometimes you’ll lay in bed at night almost crushed to death by longing but completely unable to do anything about it. and like. how do i get anywhere from this.

being super sensitive to people’s comments and just being rly influenced by stuff which makes socialising tiring and rly hard bc jfc why are people so heavy sometimes, ig i come across as nice but a bit reserved emotionally, at the same time slightly intimidating/intense, when i talk abt emotions its usually just me joking about my trauma and/or mental health 💀🤡 (sag mercury tingz ig 💅🏼)

i guess i also finally found out why i have a thing for ppl with significant cancer placements ._. it’s just something abt that whole cap-cancer axis that makes me weak af.

[phagodyke]

I SEE PEOPLE ON THE FLOOR SLIDE INTO THE SEA CANT STAY HERE ANYMORE WE'RE TURNING INTO FIENDS IF I STAY HERE TROUBLE WILL FIND ME IF I STAY HERE ILL NEVER LEAVE..... ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[somecunttookmyurl]

If It is okay to ask, how to tell when a kid is adhd or just being a kid? Looking back I can see a few signs like constant daydreaming, restlesness fidgeting etc but that wasnt much different from the other kids. As a teenager it became more clear I think because most of girls my age were not behaving like tomboys anymore and the symptoms mentioned above did not go away plus i think I had/have rsd. But only now as an adult i feel like these things are actually getting on the way. I daydream a lot, the restfulness didn't go anywhere, rsd still anoying as fuck (i think this is related with being a people pleaser? I got that too) and i notice more and more this horrible thing you usually call executive dysfunction. I cant really get a diagnosis and while I relate to a lot of symptoms and posts adhd people share, I'm really scared Im just procrastinating and trying to use adhd as an excuse for not getting things done. And I feel really bad about that. So back to my original question, if the signs were there since childhood but did not trouble me until like 4 years ago, how can i tell If It was adhd or Just kid stuff?

i mean the fact it didn't go away is a pretty good tell, honestly.

redmore to save the dash

as an adhd kid you may, with other children

-had difficulty making/keeping friends or socialising and felt "weird" or "different"

-were not invited to parties, made excuses to not go, or acted inapproptiately when there (and were never invited back)

-easily gave in to peer pressure from a desire to "fit in"

-were probably called "gullible"

-found it difficult to "wait your turn" in any activity

-frequently picked last for games and team sports

-found it difficult to "share" things with others

-caused fights/arguments with siblings/other children over trivial things

-may have been called "spiteful" or "vindictive"

-not realised when you were "taking things too far" with joke or play

-tried to annoy people on purpose

_________________________________

as an ADHD child in school you may

-consistently not done school/homework until the last minute. not by choice, but because you could never seem to "just get started on it" until it was immediately pressing

-not known where to start with longer-term projects / never really "got" how to study or revise for exams. could not organise notes.

-made careless mistakes in schoolwork

-had report cards littered with "intelligent but could try harder" "needs to apply themselves" "has potential but lazy" etc

-parents/teachers said you had an "attitude" / you had a tendency to "talk back"

-often seemed to forget things you had already learned until you were reminded of them, or had difficultly linking knowledge together

-doodled a lot in class, and found doing so made it easier to listen

-easily distracted by external stimuli ie things happening outside the classroom window, or a conversation in the next room

________________________________

as an ADHD child at home you may

-had trouble getting up in the mornings (your parents had trouble dragging you up, and you felt groggy/sleepy "just 5 more minutes")

-had issues going to bed. did not seem "tired" at bedtime. stayed up late reading frequently. refused to get ready for bed.

-always been rushed to get ready for things

-being forgetful or "a ditz"

-being called "lazy"

-forgetful with daily activities such as brushing your teeth and would need to be reminded

-found it hard if not impossible to keep your room clean and organised. not "knowing where to start" with it

-walking past things without seeing them. eg my parents would leave my laundry on the stairs to take up and then berate me because "you've walked past it six times today". not really seeing mess in general bc it became "background noise"

-not following through on instructions/not finishing what you were asked to do. like doing half of the dishes

-you were over-sensitive to criticism

-would often lie to get out of obligations, maybe even compulsively (ie you couldn't help it)

-you answer to "why did you do/say x" or "why didnt you do x" was frequently "i don't know" and you genuinely didn't know

-liked to do things the same way every time and got upset if the structure or plan changed

-would become frustrated if your demands were not immediately met. could not "wait until later"

-somebody would ask you to do something and you wouldn't do it for several hours, without realising it had been that long

_________________________________________

as an ADHD child in your leisure time / emotionans you may

-people saying "are you even listening to me?" a lot

-talking excessively, being "a chatterbox"

-despite being a "chatterbox" around familiar people, you were very shy/withdrawn around others. your two modes are "verbal diarrhea" and "mute"

-answering questions before the person even finished asking, interrupting others a lot

-you had a lot of interests but didn't keep up with any of them for very long

-were "emotional" or "overdramatic" ie crying or getting angry easily

-identified as a "perfectionist" and would either hyperfocus on unimportant details, or gave up on new pursuits you were not "immediately good" at

-people said you have a "selective memory" because you can eg name all 151 pokemon in order but not remember to pick up milk on the way home

-your moods seemed to change quickly and drastically

-had difficulty "behaving yourself" in public ie when out shopping

-broke/smashed things when angry

-got injured by doing reckless/stupid things

-complained of "being bored" often

-watched TV or played video games excessively and could lose hours at a time without noticing

[holyshit]

Kayak 😭😭😭 sending you so much love. You’re not a nuisance, but I couldn’t relate more to that feeling, especially (like you say) since the pandemic. I was saying to a friend the other day how over the past 2 years people seem to have got set in their ways of only socialising with family and a few close friends (lol except me bc I don’t see my family), which I think is understandable given that, somehow, it feels “safer” to spend time with a small group of people. But people seem to have got stuck doing that - socialising in small groups, the same small group of people over and over - and it can make reaching out to people who already seem to be having The Best Time on social media with people who Absolutely Aren’t You super super hard. I don’t know why I’m explaining all this - you know all this. I guess I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, and that if people aren’t getting back to you it says *so* much more about them than it does about you. You’re brilliant 💕

thank you so much, i love you 🥺!! that really is so true and i havent fully thought of it that way- the becoming accustomed to primarily only seeing/talking to a select few people and how it's been hard to get out of that rhythm... it's so true. and i think for me there's an additional element for the people who i haven't seen in person for a long time and have only talked to through text/the phone, there's that lack of seeing their face and that in-person chemistry that makes it clear the relationship is still there. so i'll have people who, if everything was normal, i would have seen multiple times in these last few years, and now i have not seen at all in years, so it's much easier for me to spiral thinking they hate me because i don't have that reassurance from seeing their facial expressions and receiving their hugs that makes it clear they still like me and enjoy being around me. it's so much easier to get in my head and overanalyze everything i'm saying looking for reasons why they might misunderstand something i say and think i suck suddenly lol. and then occasionally i'll have that general social stress even bleed into my interactions with people i do talk to regularly so i end up on pins and needles waiting for The Message that will turn them off from me. it's so exhausting and irrational and i'm so tired of feeling this way. anyway, i am so sorry you've felt something similar too- you are absolutely not a nuisance either and you're such a wonderful person that i'm glad to have met <3 i appreciate you so so much

[nicistrying]

Friday 28th Jan 22:

Survived my closing shift last night! It went pretty smoothly. I didn't get everything done I wanted, but I did get everything done that needs to be done at night. Despite technical difficulties too. Cashed up totally fine, I made mistakes but managed to fix them, and we were out by 10.15! I was expecting it to be later than that. So I was really happy with myself!

Today we went for our usual walk, tired Maggie out and then stopped off at the big park for some socialisation when she wasn't full of energy. She did really well! I'll definitely be doing it more often. We saw lots of squirrels and she obviously wanted to chase them but she didn't go too crazy and would come along when we kept walking. She scrabbled at a few people we passed bc she was frustrated being on her leash and not free to go say hello but she walked past others without any issue. Politely passed other dogs on leashes, played in the play area with a boxer and a poodle, WALKED AROUND A LAKE FULL OF GEESE, SWANS, DUCKS AND VARIOUS OTHER BIRDS WITHOUT CHASING THEM, and curiously observed a toddler but didn't try to go running up to her. She did bark and lunge at runners but that's something to work on further down the line. Just to be able to walk in public places where she can see more people and meet more dogs without her being overly reactive would be amazing! This is the face of one extremely proud collie owner when we got home 😂

Chilled in the house for a few hours all together before Matthew had to go to work and it was so lovely. We just had lunch together and drank tea on the couch in the afternoon! It was wonderful. I squeezed my core workout in before he left and it felt great! Kind of miffed at my heart rate zones though bc I was working hard! Never mind. I enjoyed it and that's more important. I did 4 rounds, 40 secs work, 20 secs rest.

And now just relaxing on the couch for the evening. Going to make myself a hot chocolate and enjoy my Friday night all to myself. Maggie is super tired tonight and idk if maybe she's coming into season so I'm just going to leave her be.

In other exciting Maggie news, her buttons arrived the other day and I finally had time to put them out tonight! She went straight to them and had a sniff, tried to nibble them but left them when I said so, and started pressing them straight away! I'm amazed how quickly she got the accuracy and that it has to be pushed down. So I turned 3 of them on, 'outside', 'play' and 'all done' because she already knows what those mean. She pressed 'outside' so I took her outside. She seemed a bit bewildered but she'll get the association eventually! I'm sooo excited to get more once she gets the hang of it 😄

[sk1nnyblogxr]

Helloooo :) So i haven't been very active on here, but I've got my reasons.

I have been eating in a "good" caloric defecit the last weeks, and by that i mean Iv'e lost 3kg in about 2 weeks, WITHOUT starving!! 😋

It has been hard, yes. Im not gonna lie, bc sometimes i just sit and look at my food and i feel sick.

I have also been walking alot, and it feels so good. The amount of calories i have consumed has been between 900 and 1300 every day, and for me, thats really good. I even had a few pieces of candy yesterday, and i didn't gain a gram 🤷‍♀️ I feel great that Iv'e lost weight, while im still eating pretty good.

Sure i wish i would be at my goalweight right now, but then i also know i wouldn't feel this good overall. Instead id be much colder, more tired, and i wouldn't be able to see my friends eighter.

So every small step to a healthier Lifestyle is something we all should be proud of!!

And please remember that being healthy is not only based on how your body looks, it's actually mostly about how you feel on the inside.

Its healthy to be able to meet with friends and have a laugh. Its healthy to be able to go out for a long walk and feeling good in your mind and body afterwards, and not feeling sore, and not shaking bc of the loss of energy, and not feeling cold all the time. Because THATS when the happiness starts coming back. Socialise, laugh, dont think to much, and go outside for a walk because it's NICE not because you "have to".

That is what being healthy really is about. And i know that this may sound sooo hard to do, and even think about. And it is gonna be scary and hard to try to step up your calories just a little, but its OK.

Every wound takes time to heal, and so do you.

I know that far from everyone is ready to take a step towards being healthier. And i dont judge anyone, because i have just started myself, and it's hard, but i feel good more often than i feel bad. And before it was the other way around.

I know not many people read my blog, but if you read this, please reblog and let other people in on this page, because i really hope it can help people to get better.

Here are some of the tips im using to get better:

• Drink water to stay hydrated

• Step up your calories a little each/every other day. (How much is up to you, as long as you step up a little each week)

• Take your time. There are going to be bad days where you want to give up, but dont.

• Take a walk everyday. (You dont have to, but its good for your mind to get some fresh air)

• If u feel ready, face your fear food. (For me thats carbs, fat, sugar and diary)

• Keep eating healthy food like salads & greens and meat. It wont make you fat, it Will get you healthier habits.

• Take your time, and dont stress.

• Eat 3 MEALS a day (Breakfast, lunch, dinner) and add in two snacks during the day. (I usally eat an apple as a snack, or rice cakes)

• Tips to the one above: Keep a goal to finish whats on your plate, but remember its OK not to. As i said before, take your time.

• Make your food look and taste good. It will make it more fun, and will build up your image of food as being something fun again.

• To the one above: If you cook your own meals, have fun while cooking! Dance to music, sing, talk to someone over the phone. Do whatever YOU Think is fun.

• Dont be afraid to taste your food while cooking. (I have tried it and i promise, it Will NOT make you gain weight.)

• Talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings. (If you dont have anyone to talk to in person, Tumblr is full of people who would like to talk. Including me.

• Stay positive and do things that make you feel good

• Eat the food you think taste good

• Have that piece of chocolate

• Eat that cracker to your coffee

• Read stuff like this :)

Hope this helps someone. X ♡

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ��mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[writerman]

Prompt: Bard is a Tired™ man and with Sigrid in college he only has to worry about 2 children (he worries a lot tho) and when winter break happens she gets a ride back with this other kid and his boyfriend(Legolas&Gimli). Thranduil wants to meet Sigrid bc Legolas doesn't have many friends and then invites her whole family over, he has a big enough house (too big, he's lonely) to host all of them for get togethers. Bard is reluctant but goes "less for me to clean up" and agrees.

Thank you for this one! It was a nice wholesome prompt and I had fun with Bard and Thran’s interactions.

Please enjoy!

---------------

“Da, I’m home!”

Bard had heard the door open and assumed Bain and Tilda were home from school and immediately worried as to why they had come back so early, but when he heard the familiar voice of his eldest ring out through the house he set aside his work and moved to greet her.

They met in the hallway and Sigrid threw her arms around Bard her cold nose shocking him slightly. How long had she been outside to be so cold?

“Welcome home, sweetheart, how was the trip home?” They left her luggage in the hallway for the time being as Bard led his eldest to the kitchen to make something hot to drink. Sigrid probably needed something to perk her up after being on the road all day.

“It was fine. It’s much better when you have company, leaving my car back at school was a good call.” Sigrid shrugged off her coat as she chattered about her friends and school work, meanwhile, Bard busied himself with making hot tea for both of them.

“You’ve mentioned Legolas and Gimli a few times if they drove with you here do they live nearby?”

“Yeah, uh, Legolas lives in the nicest part of town and Gimli is related to your friend Thorin. His family moved to town just after he started university so hasn’t been here until now.” Their conversation was cut short when Bain and Tilda stormed the kitchen dusted with snow and sporting red cheeks just like Sigrid had.

Once everyone had settled in and warmed up, dinner was had and everyone went their separate ways, Bard returned to his laptop to continue writing while he had the time off from work.

Being a novelist with kids was hard, and between working at the mechanics, raising kids and writing he hadn’t really found the time to relax or socialise so when he had time off to do those things, well, he didn’t do them.

It was late when Sigrid came to him, she was on the phone to someone but clearly needed his attention regarding whatever was being said on the phone. There was a moment of silence while she listened to the person on the other end of the line before she laughed aloud and shook her head in disbelief.

“Alright, alright, I’ll ask him. Hold on.”

Bard looked up expectantly, hands together rested on his desk as he awaited whatever question his daughter on the tip of her tongue, though he did have a sense of foreboding and was wary of what was coming.

“Da, Legolas said his dad wants to invite us all over for dinner tomorrow, can we go?” She genuinely sounded excited and the pleading tone she used hadn’t surfaced since she was very little so it was difficult to say no.

But, Bard hadn’t heard of Legolas until that day and he was positive he’d never met his dad. Or, had he done the unthinkable and forgotten Sigrid’s friends? She had always had her friends from school come over but he didn’t recall a Legolas…

“Uh… I mean, that is a nice offer, Sig, but I don’t think I’ve ever met your friend or his dad. Wouldn’t that be awkward?” He had to be honest, but that didn’t seem to deter her because his words were responded to with the roll of her eyes.

“That is the point of going over for dinner. You don’t get out much socially, neither does Legs’ dad and apparently, he has been wanting to have people over for dinner for ages. This is perfect timing.” Again, she gave him a hopeful look and Bard relented because why not?

At least he wouldn’t have to do the dishes.

Who was he kidding, he would offer to do them as thanks.

“Fiiine, we’ll go tomorrow. Just give me a time and an address and we’ll be there with bells on or something.” He was half-joking as he got to his feet, the closet needed to be raided for smart yet casual- he didn’t want to look like he was only going to appease his child.

After all, the adult company would be nice. And as fun, as his workmates were at the auto shop he did often wince at their choice of humour. Meeting new people was a top priority while he had the time, he supposed.

There was no further response from Sigrid as he passed her, she had only mouthed a ‘thank you’ before returning to her call.

The next morning at the breakfast table Bard revealed their dinner plans to Tilda and Bain. Neither of them seemed overly enthused about the idea but agreed that dinner anywhere but their own home was going to be interesting at least.

Both of them were in high school and had hoped to use the winter break as a chance to indulge in their favourite pastime of nothing. Bain had mentioned maybe visiting friends but the snowfall dissuaded him for the time being and Tilda just hated being cold so leaving the house wasn’t even an option for her.

Plus, modern technology would allow her to keep up with her friends without ever having to leave the bed.

“Everyone be on your best behaviour tonight, I honestly have no idea what to expect so just- maybe pretend you’re sick if things go belly up, ok?” A moment later Bard had to explain he was joking, well, half-joking but they didn’t need to know that.

A small part of him was excited to meet someone new and just talk about something other than sports and cars. After working at the auto place Bard did have to, eventually, admit to himself that he did not care for sports and it did make some conversation tedious.

When dinner time rolled around everyone piled into the family car and headed out to the fanciest part of town Bard had ever seen. It was the kind of place that had gated communities with gardeners and security. Sigrid had to call her friend to let them in because the security guard really did not like the idea that they were there on an invite.

Legolas was at the door already when they pulled up outside and Sigrid was the first to get out of the car to greet him. They hugged like they hadn’t just seen one another the day before.

The other two took some coaxing to get out but when they did Legolas greeted them cheerfully before turning to Bard, his demeanour didn’t change but he was extremely polite to him.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr Bowman.”

As nice as it was, he didn’t need to be treated so carefully, even if Legolas was brought up to be so polite it wasn’t necessary with him.

“You too, Legolas. Eh, if your father around?” The blonde boy nodded and led everyone inside after realising he had left them stood out on the steps instead of inviting them in. He blushed but no one mentioned it because really it didn’t matter to them.

“He’s in the kitchen down the hall.” Bard was directed to a door at the bottom of the hall but Legolas didn’t stick around long. The kids left him standing alone in the hallway heading to something that sounded vaguely like a games room.

It’s just another adult you can deal with a stranger, Bard tried to bolster himself as he stepped lightly down towards the kitchen, he’s probably really nice.

When he pushed the door open he was greeted with the smell of something decidedly mouthwatering and a sight that almost definitely rivalled it. The blond man was stood before a cutting board of freshly washed vegetables, his hands on his hips as he moved his attention from them to the door.

“Ah, it’s already 6?!” Oh good lord above, that voice was as deep as a roll of thunder and Bard definitely felt the heat of a blush crawl up his neck before he put himself in check and entered the kitchen properly shutting the door behind him as he did so.

“Just a little after actually. Do you- do you need help with anything?” Bard ventured as he moved toward the kitchen island the other man was stood at. He tried to ignore how beautiful he was by not looking directly at him for a few moments.

“It would be so impolite to ask a guest for help but… I must concede and accept defeat. Your help would be wonderful, thank you.” He passed over the vegetables and a knife and Bard go to work on slicing up carrots. “My name is Thranduil, by the way.” It came as more of an afterthought as though it hadn’t mattered what his name was.

“Nice to meet you, I am Bard, father of Sigrid. But I assume you already knew that unless you have more guests on the way?” When Thranduil shook his head Bard felt as though he could relax a little, one parent was fine, unless he had a wife and then two parents were also ok.

“I apologise for inviting you over with such short notice. It seemed the best time to before Christmas and whatnot.” Bard concentrated on slicing up the carrots but he nodded hoping Thranduil would see because for the life of him he could meet his eye.

This man had to be an ex-supermodel or something!

But really he knew he had to answer.

“Aha, it’s no problem. Sigrid seemed really excited that you had invited us all over and she seems quite close with Legolas I don’t think I could have said no even if I’d wanted to.” when he dares to look up Thranduil is smiling at him.

“I admit, it is nice to speak to another adult, I am often here alone so the most conversation I get is over the phone for work or the delivery man.” What a relief it was to hear that Thranduil had the same issues as he did.

When he let out a laugh Thranduil seemed more pleased than shocked.

“I’m sorry, I am in the same boat. I stay at home mostly too, unless the auto shop needs an extra pair of hands. Sometimes the only conversation I get it a one-way argument with our cat.” If there had been tension between them at first it had completely dissipated as they chatted as they prepared dinner.

For anyone looking from the outside in, they appeared as life long friends.

When dinner was nearly ready Thranduil seemed to relax and he offered Bard a drink, Bard readily accepted the beer from the fridge and followed his host to a drawing-room, he took a seat opposite Thranduil by the window.

“I’ll be honest with you, Bard. I invited you all over because I have never really heard Legolas talk about friends before and I wanted to see who this person was and who her family were. Legolas has tremendous issues with opening up enough to make friends, but he is like his father in that respect.

He lost his mother at a young age and while I gave him as much as I could throughout that period in his life, we both knew I was not capable of being both parents.

Sigrid has brought him out of his shell enough that he now has a boyfriend. I can scarcely believe it but I am so very happy and thankful for her friendship to my son.” Realising that he had, perhaps, said too much he gave Bard an apologetic smile before looking away from him and allowing himself to be distracted by the view outside.

“I realise now that it may have been put across to you as though Sigrid was a substitute for his mother, that is not the case. I believe I have said quite enough already.” The pink flush that slowly spread over Thranduil’s face was genuinely delightful but Bard had to put him out of his misery before it got too much.

“Sigrid is a great kid, she lost her mother at a young age too, Legolas probably feels at ease around her because she can relate to his pain. It hurt us all when my wife died, and I admit, Sigrid did end up taking more on than she should have at her age but when I was back on my feet I made sure she got to be a kid.

Also, don’t worry about what you’re saying so much, honestly, I am happy talking about anything as long as it isn’t sports.” They share a laugh at this and the conversation turns to their jobs, Thranduil revealed that he restored antiques and was very enthusiastic when Bard asked him of his methods.

Just seeing him light up when he spoke of his work was a gift and Bard had to remind himself that 1) this man was probably straight 2) he likely believed Bard was too and 3) He was so out of his league AND not interested in him.

It wasn’t long before dinner was served and Thranduil met Bain and Tilda who were very polite in thanking him for their invite to dinner. The kids made him proud that night with the table conversation managing to get a laugh out of both himself and Thranduil.

All in all, Bard found the night a success and even said so to Thranduil when he helped with the washing up while the kids put on a movie in the front room.

“I do not regret my decision to invite you all over. Tonight has been a lot of fun and seeing Legolas so animated was truly amazing. He’s on such a high I may have to scrape him off the ceiling later after you’ve all gone.”

They ended up talking in the kitchen far longer than they had intended but as soon as Bard mentioned he was a writer Thranduil grilled him to within an inch of his life on his books, he was extremely interested and it gave Bard a little thrill.

In the end, though, their conversation had to end and they had to part ways for the night but not before Thranduil made Bard promise to drop by again and soon with the kids.

Sigrid seemed pleased with that evening, even Bain and Tilda had no complaints other than that they had to leave early. This was forgiven when Bard explained that they would probably visit again throughout the winter break as Thranduil was keen to have them over more.

He missed the sly smile Sigrid gave him while he concentrated on driving.

The next time he saw Thranduil he was out running errands and they noticed each other on the busy high street almost immediately. Then again, everyone was noticing Thranduil he really did stand out from the crowd.

“Bard, it’s good to see you. How are you?” Thranduil had easily navigated through the crowds and was now stood before Bard dressed in a long black winter coat and deep purple scarf that was pulled up over his nose and mouth. “Would you like to get coffee?”

There was nothing he wanted more than to escape the crazed throng of Christmas shoppers and so with a quick nod they darted down an alley and to a cosey little bookshop slash cafe with very few customers.

“You’re brave to take on the masses today,” Bard said as they took their seats by the window, the heat radiator by his legs was blessedly hot and he inched himself a little closer to it much to Thranduil’s amusement. “Doing the last bit of Christmas shopping?”

Thranduil was looking at the drinks menu when he responded.

“Hm, no, I was out finding antiques to take home, we’re not exactly big on celebrating Christmas in our home being that there is only the two of us.” It sounded like Thranduil wanted to drop the subject but was too polite to say.

He didn’t know if it was the cosy atmosphere or the sheer giddiness of seeing Thranduil again, because yes he admitted to himself he had a crush on the man, but he went out on a limb when he offered Thranduil and Legolas his home for Christmas.

“You’re welcome to spend the day with us. It would be really nice to have you and Legolas over.”

At first, he didn’t receive a response, just a slow blink of confusion but then a smile spread over Thranduil’s face that could have lit up an entire banquet hall.

“That would be lovely, but would the invitation extend to just myself?” Thranduil began, “I am sure Legolas would have loved to spend Christmas with Sigrid but he is spending the day with Gimli and his family.” The man was embarrassed to admit he would be alone on Christmas that much Bard could tell but he had no reason to feel ashamed.

“Hmm, well, Legolas is the cool one…” Bard feigned a thoughtful expression and only stopped when Thranduil laughed. “If you’re cooler than your kid you can come.”

“I am afraid not but I can bring dessert if that sweetens the deal?”

“Oh, you know how to play me, with your pretty face and your sweet talk.” It had just slipped out and while he was mortified he knew he had to play it off as a joke. Can’t let this man know he was a bisexual disaster and he really didn’t want Thranduil to think he only wanted to hang out with him because he was hot.

“You think I have a pretty face?” The response was smooth and Thranduil’s voice dropped an octave as he near purred with pleasure at the accidental compliment. “Were trying to flirt with me just now?”

Oh no, what am I supposed to say to that? Bard panicked internally, he had absolutely not meant to tell Thranduil that he thought his face was pretty but now they were going into territory Bard was very unfamiliar with.

When was the last time he had actually purposely flirted with anyone?

There was nothing for it, he had to be honest or at least some kind of honest. It was only fair.

“It just slipped out, I didn’t mean to say that but- I mean, well, I do think you’re pretty. Maybe not pretty that seems tame. I uh is it too much to ask you on a date after Christmas even though this is only the second time we’ve met?” He had been reduced to a stuttering mess and it was his own fault but from what he could tell Thranduil found it endearing.

“I would like that very much.”

They spent a long time in silence until their drinks were brought to them.

“You’re still bringing dessert for Christmas, right?”

“I am, along with my pretty face.” Thranduil teased.

It seemed winter break would be just a little more interesting this year.

And Bard had the sneaking suspicion that this had something to do with his very clever daughter and her equally as clever friend.

If they believed that he and Thranduil would be good together, who was he to argue?

Only time would tell.