#and thought okay ill take a look at that journal AND WHEN I TELL YOU SEARI WASN'T ON A GOOD MENTAL STATE THEN IS | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

starlightkun · 9 months ago

Text

➠ word count: 4.5k ➠ warnings: cursing, suggestive (no smut but they’re in love and horny lol) ➠ genre: fluff, established relationship, former hockey captain sungchan, chronically ill reader (chronic migraines), shortfic in the buzzer beater series (comes after saltwater smiles), some minor angst again but it’s about like growing up and being a human and finding your place and purpose as an adult, not between our couple or anything ➠ extra info: the reader in this has chronic migraines, which i have. when the reader’s migraines, experiences as a chronically ill person, and thoughts about being chronically ill are described, that is me writing directly from my own life. i am not generalizing the lives of all people with chronic migraines/chronic illnesses, but i am sending all my love to any readers out there living with a chronic illness, and here’s a reminder to go take your meds! ➠ series masterlist

“It feels like I can’t ever move on from this. From being Sungchan the hockey captain. I know you were just joking when you said it but—I don’t want to actually be that guy that peaked in college.”

“Yo, tell them about the championships against the Sharks, Sungchan!�� Your colleague, Seunghan, insisted, pushing on your fiancé’s shoulder with his hand that held a drink.

Sungchan looked down at his feet for a moment, and you caught a quick flash of hesitation on his features before he looked back up at the group of enthralled people and gave a lighthearted chuckle and charismatic smile. “I’ve already told that story tonight, I’m sure everyone here doesn’t want to hear it again. Besides, don’t you all want to hear about Y/N’s paper?”

You two were at a rather ritzy gathering being thrown by your department celebrating that one of your articles had been chosen for publication in a huge literary theory journal.

“Anton wasn’t here when you told it earlier!” Seunghan shook a grad student instructor in your department. “And we’ve all read her paper like a hundred times before it got published.”

You reached up to squeeze Sungchan’s arm through his suit jacket. “It’s okay, Channie. I want to hear about it. That was championships your junior year, right? I wasn’t there, remember?”

He focused his gaze down on you for another second as if making extra sure, and you nodded and gave him a smile for good measure. He sighed, wrapped his arm around your shoulders, and began the story, much to all your colleagues’ delight.

A little later in the night found you by the drinks table with Ten. When you had moved back to your old college town to accept a position with the Literature department, you hadn’t expected to walk in on your first day and see a familiar face. Sure, you knew you’d be seeing Dr. Son, who was the department head now and had conducted your interview, and several of your old professors, but you’d been keeping up with most of your old schoolmates and as far as you knew, Ten had moved away after you two finished your two-year master’s program and remained there.

Ten swirled his cocktail around his glass before taking a sip, his eyes trained on your fiancé, who was still surrounded. “Why do I never get that treatment?”

“Maybe you should’ve been captain,” you snickered, taking another sip of your soda.

“Too much work.” Your friend wrinkled his nose. “So what is your man doing these days anyway? He get that PhD in molecular biology about fish or whatever?”

“Yep, he’s a whole doctor,” you told your coworker, looking over at your guy with pride. “Defended his thesis last spring, we did a short stint abroad for about a year for him to study some rare fish in the tropics to cure a rare blood disease. I enjoyed all the food and the sun, really. He probably got skin cancer. And now we’re back here. He’s actually doing his post-doc research here, too.”

“He’s curing blood diseases in tropical fish?”

“No, sorry, in people,” you covered your mouth as you laughed. “Somehow, the fish could help cure a human blood disease, I’m not sure about anything past that.”

“And you’ve got a fat rock on your finger,” he teased, grabbing your hand to inspect your engagement ring. “What a power couple.”

You giggled, letting him look over the ring. “Yeah, something like that. He proposed when we were abroad. God, it was the most gorgeous sunset. Just us, nice and quiet.”

“I’m invited to the wedding, right?”

“Duh. We just haven’t sent invites yet, bitch.” You pushed him with your foot, rolling your eyes. “It’s going to be a certified frat party, I’m afraid.”

“Kegger?” Ten grinned.

“I’m enlisting Taeyong and Kun to keep all you menaces in check for me.”

“Well yeah, you can’t trust your Chenle-of-Honor to do that, he’ll be the first up to do a kegstand.”

You laughed heartily at that. “A few years ago, probably. But I’m happy to report my man-shaped best friend has grown into a real adult.”

“Really? What’s the little monster doing?”

“Middle management in advertising at a designer company. He’s got his eye on a promotion soon, though. Oh, and he’s got the cutest little dog.”

“Speaking of little monsters…” Ten trailed off, eyeing your drink, then your abdomen. “No alcohol?”

“I can’t drink on my medication, remember?” You shook the ice around in your glass smugly.

“Damn!”

As you rode home with Sungchan, your hands entwined over the console, you looked out the passenger window with contentment in your chest.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he sighed, stroking a thumb over the backs of your fingers.

“For what?” You turned to look at him curiously.

His features were pensive and regretful as he focused on the road in front of him, one hand on the steering wheel. “For being a distraction all night. Everybody was asking me about hockey the whole time when all the focus should’ve been on you and your awesome article. I’m sorry, I'll completely understand if you just leave me at home next time.”

“Channie, why the hell would I do that?” You asked through incredulous chuckles, turning to hold his hand with two hands. “Celebrating my accomplishments would mean nothing if I didn’t have you there with me.”

“But I just—”

“Admittedly, I didn’t expect there to be so many puckheads in the Lang department,” you shrugged. “But I know where we work, and you are a bit of a hometown celebrity around here, baby.”

“That sounds like something you’d call somebody who peaked in high school.”

“Right, my bad. You peaked in college.”

“Rude.” He knocked your elbow with his, making you laugh.

“I’m kidding, handsome. But I am proud of you. I snagged a good guy, and I am not going to hide you away when I go to these events just because people are going to ask about your hockey career.”

“It’s not fair to you.”

“I appreciate you trying to put the focus back on me tonight, I really do.” You squeezed his hand. “But when Seunghan said everybody in the department had read my article hundreds of times, he meant it. They all helped proof and revise it dozens of times each. I was tired of reading it by the time it was accepted if I’m being honest with you. Hearing about your hockey game was a welcome reprieve from thinking about the body as a critical site for sex, gender, and political ideology in M. Butterfly.”

“Do you mean that or are you trying to make me feel less like a dick?”

“I mean it, baby boy.” You pinched his cheek.

He squirmed in his seat as he slowed to a stop at a red light. “You never call me that anymore…”

“Seems like you needed it.”

“Hey,” he said softly, turning his head to look at you. “I love you.”

“I know.” You cupped his cheek, stroking his cheekbone fondly. “I never doubted that for a second, baby.”

Sungchan leaned across the console to press his lips to yours, cradling the back of your head. You hummed delightedly into the kiss, moving your mouth against his sweetly.

When you felt the car suddenly roll forward, you jerked back, gripping his arm with a yelp. “Channie!”

He was already grabbing the steering wheel with two hands and slamming on the brakes again. “Fuck! Sorry!”

The car had moved forward less than half a meter and you were the only car at the intersection, but it was enough to get your heart racing.

“Are you okay, baby?” Sungchan checked on you with wide eyes, keeping one hand on the wheel as he reached his other hand over to grab your knee.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” You put your hand over his to reassure both of you. The light turned green then. “Let’s just uh, get home in one piece, hm?”

“Sounds like a plan.” He patted your thigh, leaving his hand there as he slowly started the car forward again.

“Channie?” You called out into the house, shrugging off your coat. You’d stayed a bit late to grade papers, and while Sungchan would’ve usually stayed to walk home with you, he had wanted to get a head start on cooking dinner.

“Pantry!” He yelled back, voice distant as he was presumably deep in the walk-in pantry.

You continued shuffling through the mail you’d grabbed on your way in as you walked further into your house, tossing the junk mail in the trash as you fished out the one packet that had caught your attention. Stopping at the doorway to the pantry, you tore open the thick packet. Skimming the letter and investigating the two lanyards inside, you informed your fiancé, “Donghyuck’s team is having a preseason scrimmage at the university, and he sent us VIP passes.”

Sungchan stuck his head back out of the pantry. “So that’s why he asked for our address the other day.”

“When did you talk to Hyuck?” You asked as he gently took the letter and lanyards from your hands.

“He called me out of the blue a couple weeks ago. I was at the gym before work and completely forgot by the time I got home, sorry, baby.” He flipped over the passes hanging from the lanyards, bright green and dark black, the colors of the professional hockey team that Donghyuck had gone on to play for after college. “I thought he was going to crash on our couch or something, not this.”

“He’s a pro hockey player making like millions a year and you thought he was going to ask to couch surf?”

“You think he wouldn’t?”

“Good point,” you chuckled. “So how was he? Sound like he was doing well?”

“You said it yourself, he’s a pro hockey player making millions a year. I’m sure he’s doing great.”

You frowned up at him. “You didn’t ask?”

“It was a quick conversation, he’s busy,” Sungchan shrugged and handed everything back to you, disappearing into the pantry again. “We barely had time to say hello.”

“We should go,” you declared, setting the lanyards down in a spot so you two wouldn’t lose them.

“Baby, it’s a Friday. That’s our date night.”

“We can miss one date night for this, Channie,” you scoffed. “Besides, I’ve never heard of Jung Sungchan not wanting to go see a hockey game. Are you sure you’re my Sungchannie? Were you replaced by an alien or something?”

Sungchan kept his back to you as he started chopping vegetables. “Never mind, you’re right. We should go.”

You narrowed your eyes suspiciously, but didn’t push the issue further. “Alright...”

Sat back down in familiar bleachers, you hugged Sungchan’s arm tightly, buzzing with excitement. As much as you had loved watching Sungchan play hockey when you were younger, there was something special about watching it with him, having him explain plays, tell you if a player made the right call, or how he would have done it if he had been captain. Being able to see the sparkle in his eye up close as he watched one of his favorite things. You’d seen it plenty of times in the years that you stayed local while he got his PhD. Which is how you knew that something was wrong now, even as he tried to flash a smile at you every so often, ones that never reached his eyes. He didn’t join in the cheers very enthusiastically, and never engaged when the other guys around him tried to debate calls that the refs made.

You found out that the whole team from your senior year had been invited as well, though some of them couldn’t make it. So it was you, Sungchan, Mark, Ten, Jeno, and Chenle in the VIP section. Yangyang was staying abroad with his parents, while Sicheng was at a seminar for work. Chenle was of course invited as an honorary member of the team, fresh off a plane from Paris with that promotion in his pocket.

Donghyuck was Good. He had been great when he was on the Raptors, obviously, which was how he had gotten scouted to go pro, but now he was great. And this was just a preseason scrimmage, just him messing around. You were sure he was scary good when he was actually trying at their real games. He’d kept his old number from college, 66, and seemed to have his own legion of fans with posters and signs.

When the game was finally over—and Donghyuck’s team won—a representative from the team corralled everyone with the VIP lanyards and directed you towards a different area while the rest of the stands filtered out. You kept your hold on Sungchan’s hand as you waited in what you were pretty sure was the women’s locker room for your old friend.

Finally, Donghyuck ran in, and everyone immediately swarmed him, hooting and hollering, slapping him on the back, ruffling his hair, and making teasing remarks about being a big shot now.

“Mark!” Donghyuck threw his arms around his old Big’s neck, nearly knocking his friend over.

“Christ, dude,” Mark wheezed, stumbling back a couple steps. “Are you still wearing your gear or something?”

“Did you not keep up with our lifting regiment?” Donghyuck shamelessly felt up Mark’s arms, then gasped dramatically. “Am I the Big now?”

Mark swatted his hands away. “If you want to pay for all my beer and drive me around in your Lamborghini or whatever, sure.”

“Deal!” The pro player grinned, then turned to the next person, who happened to be you. “Y/N!”

“Hyuck!” You beamed, opening your arms wide for him to throw himself at you as well, only staying up since Sungchan was right behind you to catch you. “Hey, there! God, I can’t believe it! You killed it out there!”

“Thanks!” He let go of you with one arm to wrap it around Sungchan’s neck, pulling him into the hug with both of you. “Oh, it makes me so happy that you two are still together! Are you engaged? Married? Kids? I didn’t have time to ask Sungchan when I called the other week, I was heading into an interview.”

You leaned back as much as he would let you, just enough to show off your ring. “He proposed last year. We’re— eugh!”

You were cut off by Donghyuck tugging you two against him into a tight embrace again. You gave him a pat on the back as you continued, slightly choked with your throat pressed against his shoulder. “We’re looking at a spring wedding…”

“I love you guys so much…” Donghyuck sighed. “All of you. I hope you know that hasn’t changed.”

“We know that, Hyuck.” You coughed, rubbing his back. “Make sure we have your address so we can send you an invite, okay?”

“What did I tell you, Y/N? In undergrad?”

“You told me a lot.” You laughed as he finally let you and Sungchan go. “Some stuff you probably don’t want me to repeat right now.”

“I said you guys were soulmates. I knew you were gonna get married. I knew it.”

“Oh yeah, you did.” You squeezed his hand that he still had a grip on. “Hey, when you retire from pro hockey, you can be a fortune teller.”

“Don’t joke about that, I’m the star player, haven’t you heard?” Donghyuck was practically puffing out his chest. “I’m years off from retirement!”

Sungchan grabbed him by the scruff then, teasingly mussing up his hair. “What did we always tell you about bragging?”

Ten, Jeno, and Mark eagerly joined in on giving him a killer noogie, the four of them managing to keep him in place despite Hyuck being the only one who had remained a professional athlete.

“Ack!” Donghyuck complained as he was surrounded. “Y/N! Chenle! Somebody, help!”

“Promise you’ll buy us dinner with your star player money,” Chenle crossed his arms over his chest as he watched on, “and maybe Y/N and I will convince them to leave you alone.”

“Yeah!” Jeno agreed. “Dinner and drinks and we’ll consider!”

“This is extortion!” Donghyuck yelped.

“Glad to see some things don’t change…” You sighed, shaking your head. “You guys still pick on him.”

“He needs an ego check,” Jeno snorted, his arm now around Donghyuck’s neck.

“I was going to take you all out to dinner anyway!” Donghyuck pleaded. “Didn’t you people read the letters?”

“It was in the letter, guys,” you confirmed loudly.

The guys all looked at each other, slowly releasing their holds on the youngest. With sweet, proud smiles, they fixed his hair and straightened his branded hoodie back up, smacking his shoulder and patting his cheek between compliments of how well he played and specific moves he did, giving feedback on certain things he could improve on still. Donghyuck rolled his eyes at the constructive criticism, but you could see him struggling to suppress the fond curl of his lip at being surrounded by his old teammates again.

When you finally got home that night, you felt about ready to collapse into bed. You had a tired, happy smile on your face from seeing all your old friends again, and haphazardly tossed your go bag to the side before stepping out of your shoes. Sungchan didn’t follow you into the bedroom, as you had expected. You heard him detour to the kitchen, and your ears perked up with interest as you changed into your pajamas.

Sungchan didn’t just get a glass of water, though. You heard him rooting around in the snacks, and that’s when you got concerned. You had just eaten dinner and had drinks, and he had plenty of bar snacks as you all hung around and caught up after finishing dinner. He shouldn’t be scrounging for a midnight snack already.

After tossing your dirty clothes in the hamper, you ventured out to the kitchen determinedly. Sungchan hadn’t yet found something to eat, a frustrated pout on his face as he pulled out box after box, but didn’t open any.

“Hungry?” You asked curiously, leaning against the fridge.

“No,” he sighed, setting the container of crackers down loudly then rubbing his face harshly.

You held your hand out towards him, and he took it immediately. You led him back through your house by the hand, into your bathroom and let go there. Walking back out through the house, you grabbed his desk chair from your joint home office, and pulled it into the bathroom. He was standing exactly where you left him, and let you wordlessly push him down by the shoulders to sit in the chair. Washing and drying your hands, you then readjusted the chair, making sure he was exactly where you needed him. Then you climbed onto his lap facing him, the two of you perpendicular to your bathroom vanity. You grabbed a fuzzy character headband from one of your drawers and put it on him, pushing his hair back from his face.

“I—”

“Shh.” You stopped him as soon as he opened his mouth, putting your own headband on.

Next, you grabbed your cleanser.

“What—”

“Shh,” you repeated with more emphasis, holding his eye contact firmly, until he gave up and closed his mouth, letting his head fall back against the head rest.

You meticulously went through your whole extended skincare routine, doing each step first on Sungchan, then on yourself. He finally gave up on trying to talk, then finally relaxed, then really relaxed, his eyes fluttering shut and a pleased hum rising in the back of his throat.

“All done, handsome,” you announced at the end, giving his cheeks a final squish between your hands, then pulling off his headband and fluffing up his hair.

Sungchan slowly opened his eyes, reaching up to take your headband off as well.

You smiled down at him. “How are you feeling, Channie?”

“Better, thank you, baby,” he replied quietly.

“You want to talk about it?”

He couldn’t look you in the eye. “About what?”

“Whatever’s been getting you bummed lately. You weren’t all there tonight, I could tell. And the day we got the passes, you didn’t even want to come in the first place. That’s not like you.” You put both your headbands aside on the counter, then stood up off him. “You get changed into your pajamas, I’ll tidy up in here. We’ll talk in a few minutes, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” He nodded, getting up and grabbing the chair to drag back with him.

You wiped down the bathroom counter and tidied up all your bottles and containers, listening to the sounds of Sungchan getting ready in the next room over. When you walked back into your bedroom, you were thrown for a loop as you couldn’t see your fiancé for a moment. You found him in your living room, sitting on your couch and holding a picture frame that usually lived on one of the end tables.

Sitting down beside him, you looked at the picture with him. It was of you two at his last collegiate hockey game, him still in his uniform as he picked you up and spun you around, bright smiles on both your faces. His face now was brooding, jaw clenched and eyes hard as he continued staring at it.

“You got me that for our first anniversary,” you commented softly. “I love that picture.”

“I do too,” he sighed, though his tone was much more bitter than his words.

“Talk to me, Channie,” you murmured. “What’s going on?”

“It feels like I can’t ever move on from this.” He shook the frame. “From being Sungchan the hockey captain. I know you were just joking when you said it but—I don’t want to actually be that guy that peaked in college.”

“Oh, Channie...” you breathed out, draping an arm across his back and leaning your cheek against his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize...”

“It’s not you, baby,” he assured you, squeezing your knee. “It’s everything else. Like I try to do anything else, be anything else, but I’m just dragged back into that stupid jock box again.”

“Well, what do you want to be?” You asked as you sat back up, rubbing up and down the center of his chest soothingly. “Not what you think other people want you to be, or what you think you should be. What do you actually like? What do you want to do? Do you still like hockey? Outside of everybody’s opinions about you liking hockey? It’s okay either way, for you to still like it or not. It was the biggest thing in your life for like twenty years, baby. It’d be ridiculous to expect you to just suddenly not like it as soon as you graduated.”

“Do you really want a husband that just talks about sports all the time while you’re talking about smart stuff?” He sighed, letting his eyes close as he leaned all of his weight against you, his hands dropping to rest the frame in his lap.

“I want a husband that’s you. That’s why I accepted your proposal and not like, Dr. Yoon’s or something.”

“I’m going to assume you’re being hyperbolic to make a point and that my research head didn’t actually propose to you. Because if not, then I’m going to stop pouting and write my letter of resignation right now.”

“I’m trying to make a point here.”

“Which is?”

“You’re really underselling yourself, Channie.” You encouraged him to lay his head in the crook of your neck, not letting up your movements on his sternum. “You’re plenty smart. We’ve been together for almost seven years and I still couldn’t keep track of a hockey game if a gun was to my head. Meanwhile you were a whole captain. You had to make decisions on your feet—or, your skates. Not to mention, hm, oh yeah, you have a PhD in molecular biology. Did you forget about that? Doctor Jung?”

“Oh yeah,” he mumbled into your collarbone.

“Oh yeah,” you mimicked him lovingly. “I nearly flunked my bio for non-majors course my freshman year, you know.”

“What?” He squinted up at you. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“You knew I was a Bio major, you should’ve asked me for help.”

“I kick myself every day for it,” you replied melodramatically, and finally saw a smile tug at the corner of his lips. “So? Do you think you still like hockey or not?”

He let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, I do. I really do.”

“Good. I’m glad.” You kissed the top of his head. “I want you to do stuff that makes you happy.”

“Coach came and found me at the lab last week... the day we got the VIP passes from Donghyuck. He’s looking for a part-time assistant coach, said I was his first pick,” Sungchan admitted quietly.

“That’s why you were so... off that day, huh?”

“Yeah. It felt like I was handed a pamphlet for a retirement home.”

You chuckled as he reached forward to set the picture down on the coffee table, then grabbed your hand that was on his chest. He looked up at you with heartachingly familiar, big, round doe eyes, ones that hadn’t changed in the ten years since you’d first met.

“I told him no but... I’m thinking maybe I should ask if he’s found someone else yet?”

“I think that’s a great idea, baby.” You pecked his forehead. “Coach Jung… I think I like the sound of that.”

“Yeah?” He grinned, a much different look in his eye as he sat up to his full height, towering over you.

“I don’t know, let me try it again.”

“Go ahead.”

“Coach Jung.” You reached for the back of his neck as he laid you down on your couch, hovering over you. “Yeah, it’s got a nice ring to it, huh? Powerful, sexy. I love a man with a whistle.”

“You’re so dorky,” he snickered, letting you pull his lips down to yours. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more, my Sungchannie.” You cradled his face with both of your hands.

“Lies.” He kissed your lips. “Impossible.” He kissed your neck.

“Says who?”

“Who has the whistle here?”

“You don’t have one yet,” you teased, holding your arms up for him to pull your shirt off. “Assistant Coach Jung.”

Sungchan kissed a trail down your front, stopping above your waistband. “You’re forgetting something, baby.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m a scientist, with a degree and everything, and I say it’s scientifically impossible for anybody to love anybody more than I love my girl.”

You made grabby hands at him, and he rose up from where he had settled between your legs, entirely blocking out the lights above you. You connected your mouths together again, wrapping your arms and legs around him so tightly he had no choice but to lay his entire weight on top of you.

“No fair,” you complained into his mouth. “I just told you I almost flunked Gen Ed bio.”

“You should’ve let me be your sexy tutor, then.” He didn’t sound sympathetic at all.

“Yeah, freshman you all sweaty and nervous in your hockey team hoodie.” You broke apart to giggle. “Real hot stuff, Channie. Literally.”

“You’re lucky you’re the love of my life, or I’d be really hurt at some of the stuff you say to me, you know.”

“You’re right.” You gave him a peck. “I am lucky that I’m the love of your life.”

➠ next | series masterlist | blog masterlist

146 notes · View notes

askbensolo · 3 months ago

Text

Journal Entry #46: An old friend

I found myself sitting at the dining table in my boxers. I didn’t know why I was there. I didn’t even remember getting out of bed. And everything just felt a little...off. Slow. Like I was underwater.

The kettle was on. Someone was pouring tea. Fannie...?

I looked into the kitchen to see who it was—and my heart leapt into my throat.

No. No way. Nononononononononono—

“Would you like milk or honey in your tea?” he asked, like he owned the place. When I didn’t say anything—because I was in shock—he added both, and he looked like he knew exactly where to find everything in the kitchen. Again—as if he freaking lived here.

“I…I need clothes,” I uttered stupidly, but when I tried to stand, I couldn’t. Like...I couldn’t even get my butt off the seat. I could turn my head. Move my arms. I could kick, even. But any neural impulses I tried to issue with the command for my body to stand were blocked. I couldn’t even try. When I tried, it looked no different from me sitting still.

I began to panic, my breath going shallow, high up in my chest. I was trapped. I was stuck. My heart was racing. And then...I felt a hand on my shoulder, as he set the mug of tea in front of me, and the anxiety was sucked out of me immediately—through his fingers, it felt like.

And then...I felt…okay. Good, even.

I mustered up the nerve to look at him, and...he didn't seem quite as tall as I remembered. And I thought to myself…he wasn’t so scary at all. Yeah…I could take him.

He sat down adjacent to me and looked me over.

“You’ve grown up,” he said with approving satisfaction, like Uncle Luke would say. “I can tell you’re no longer the weak little boy.”

I didn’t say anything. But I did drink some tea.

It was unexpectedly good. I don’t usually put stuff in my tea.

“It would seem you’ve taken to physical training, as well,” he remarked with amusement. “The results are evident enough. Well done.” He took my arm by the wrist, and raised it to look at my torso. I let him do it. Whatever.

“Kinda wish I was wearing clothes,” I muttered into the mug. “So anyway…why are you here? Besides to check me out, of course.”

He chuckled. “You’ve become so much more insolent, as well.”

“I’ve always had a tendency for insolence," I returned warily. "Maybe you don’t know me as well as you thought.”

“No…you’re right, Solo. You always were impertinent,” he said mirthfully, as if it was some kind of inside joke between us. “But it was something I once stamped out of you, for a time." He sighed—the kind of sigh you give when you relive fond memories. "Ah, well... I no longer wish to be your master.”

Well...that wasn't what I'd expected to hear.

“...Why? Did you find someone else?” I asked, feeling kind of uneasy, the mug warming my hands.

“Oh, no," he said, in a tone that sounded like it was meant to be reassuring. "You’re the only one in the galaxy with as much potential for greatness as you have, and so it is such a shame you’ve chosen to lead a life of mediocrity. But, I respect your decisions, and I am content to let you go…which is more than could be said of your mother.”

I squinted at him, trying to scan for a sign of dishonesty. “Well...then why are you here?”

“Because I sensed you needed help,” he said, looking sympathetically at me. His eyes were so blue. Like pale sapphires. Like summer morning skies. “You’ve been very ill recently. And…lonely, is that not so?”

“I think I’d prefer solitude to your company, thanks,” I said, burying my nose in the mug of tea.

“Hm. How odd... I could have sworn I felt you call out to me,” he said curiously, fixing me with his blue, blue eyes, and resting his chin in one pale, gnarled hand.

My blood ran cold.

…So what if I had? I hadn’t thought he’d actually come.

“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied. “I’m doing just fine.”

“No, no…you’ve been miserable,” he said, seeming to see into my soul. “You’ve felt so alone. Like nobody really loves you. Your own family doesn’t even know you’re sick. You have so few friends. What friends you do have are faceless holonet strangers. And the girl…you wonder if she’s forgotten you, now that she isn’t here.”

I blinked uncomfortably, tugging on the friendship bracelet tied around my wrist. “You…you know about Fannie?”

“Oh, I know," he nodded. "I remember her. The one you slapped across the face. Hopefully, she hasn't held that little incident against you." He gave me a toothy smile. "Yes...how interesting indeed, that your feelings toward her have shifted so strongly. I’ve seen those dreams you’ve been having, boy. I have to say...I didn’t know such passions lived inside of you.”

My face went hot. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but...it wasn't really something I had come to terms with, or felt ready to discuss. And I definitely didn’t want to be talking about it with him.

"I've been through some changes," I muttered. "Maybe a little later than most. Turns out it can kind of mess up your ability to be close with people, having someone invade your head."

"Oh, but weren't we close, you and I?" he asked, looking hurt.

"Too close," I said, glaring at him. "I almost died because of you."

"Now, now," he chided. "It's hardly fair to blame someone else for the fact that you were mentally weak enough to attempt suicide."

Well, kriff. He was really gonna say that to me?

"I'd like to attempt you-icide," I shot back with barely-restrained rage. "Bitch."

He chuckled. "Very clever. Though I don't think your girlfriend would have approved of the latter addition. Still, you do have quite a way with words, don't you? But I suppose that's how you were able to succeed at taking the next step in your career. Congratulations, by the way."

"Gee. Is there anything you don't know about me?"

"I know as much about you as anyone who truly cares about you would," he said. "And I probably know more about you than anyone else in your life does."

"Well, congrats, I guess. You want, like, a medal or something?"

"Oh, no, the chance to catch up with you after all these years is more than prize enough," he said coolly.

"Doesn't sound like you needed catching up," I said warily. "Sounds like you were pretty damn caught up before we even started talking."

He smiled, but didn't explain.

"All the same," he said warmly, "it is such a pleasure to be reunited with you once again, Ben Solo."

"Well, the feeling ain't mutual," I told him. "You do know I'm gonna tell my family you showed up here tonight. Don't you?"

"'Here'?" he repeated, looking surprised. "Where is 'here'?"

"Um, my freaking apartment?"

"Is it?"

"What kind of a question is that?" I snapped, but...then I looked out the window, and...saw...nothing. There was...nothing. It wasn't white. It wasn't black. It wasn't gray. It was nothing. I don't know how to describe it. There was nothing outside my window.

And then I looked at the wall chronometer to check the time. But I couldn't read it. It was like the numbers were blurred out. I couldn't see them no matter how I squinted.

And I still couldn't stand up.

He leaned in closer, placing a long finger underneath my chin. "I would advise you not to tell your family about our little meeting tonight," he said quietly.

"Oh, please. You're gonna have to try something better than that," I growled, jerking my head away. "I'm not scared of you."

"No, Ben, you don't understand," he said, in a way that sounded almost pleading, and the hairs on my back stood up, because I don't think he had ever called me by just my first name before. "I'm scared for you. Your family would react so unreasonably if they found out. You know what your mother is like. She would force you to move back home. She'd be paranoid, never letting you have a moment to yourself for fear of me. Think of all you have now: a brand new job. A budding romance. Your life as an adult, with your own credits and your own schedule and your own hobbies and pursuits. You are certainly no longer a child. Yet...she would treat you as one, if she knew. And no number of years would be able to convince her that you are an adult."

...He was right. I had to admit it. He was right.

"...Have...have you been planning this?" I asked, my voice weak.

"Oh, I'm not much of a planner," he said breezily. "I prefer to simply let things unfold and work around them. But it will be quite a challenge for you to work around your new circumstances...if your mother should become convinced you are in danger, and give you no choice but to move back home."

I shook my head in disbelief. Yes...he was right. Telling Mom was...just..not an option for me.

"And that's not even considering what might happen, if she grows too afraid of you to keep you around the house," he said with growing concern, as if the thought had suddenly crossed his mind. "Perhaps she might prefer to send you to your uncle's school to be brainwashed."

"Funny, you talking about brainwashing," I mumbled.

"Ben, please," he said. "I have only ever encouraged you to break away from the things you were raised to believe, and to think for yourself. Your decision was to reject my teachings. That is perfectly fine. But, if you ever trained under your uncle, and if you ever began to stray from his narrow idea of good and the light...he would turn against you in an instant. And so would your mother. And so would all of them." He paused. "Even the Twi'lek girl."

I had a brief vision of Fannie, looking like she had been torn up in battle, with tears streaming down her face. I'm sorry, Ben, but I have been called to banish darkness wherever it is found. I should never have loved you...and I don't think I believe that you ever really loved me. She ignited her saber and charged at me—and then the image vanished.

It was a haunting apparition. I couldn't speak.

"Speaking of her..." he said, a mischievous note in his voice, his thin lips curling. "Do you think you'll ever tell her about those naughty little dreams you've been having? How you whisper her name in your sleep?"

He was loving this. I knew it. Just trying to get in my head and mess me up.

"No," I said, annoyed that he'd brought up something so stupid just to humiliate me.

"And why not? Surely she deserves to know what sordid fantasies she stars in."

"Because they're just dreams," I snapped. "I don't know why I dream about that. But dreams aren't always something you can control, and they don't always mean anything. Just because you have a dream doesn't mean it has any bearing on the real world at all. Brains do funny things."

"Hm," he said with a small smile, stroking his chin. "I do agree completely."

And as he said that, the kitchen began to melt away, like rain ruining a sidewalk drawing, and I could feel blankets forming around me as I stared at him, confused, and then all at once everything came into focus and I was staring up at the ceiling, tangled in my bedsheets, the afternoon sun peering through my window blinds, my brow beaded up with sweat.

I grabbed the thermometer on my nightstand and took my temp.

My fever had finally broken. And, maybe, so had my mind—

But. Then again. Brains do funny things.

I stood up, feeling a little dizzy, and ventured into the kitchen. I could see the rest of the apartment complex out my window. The time was 4:03pm. The kettle was room-temperature, and the mugs were all in the cupboard, and the last sachet of peppermint tea was still in the box, unopened.

#askbensolo #written #ben tells a story #ben’s diary #snoke

13 notes · View notes

kotonoba · 23 days ago

Text

ISYT (Jushiro/F!Reader) EPILOGUE Ch. 57

A weird switch between Jushiro & Reader's POV

---------------------------------------------

After the fight ended, everyone made peace with those who had passed except for Jushiro; he was a shell of his former self, unable to move on from losing his wife. He attended the Konso Reisai of his former comrades but didn’t have the heart to participate in much else. As he had stated prior, he recommended Rukia as the captain and locked himself in his Ugendo, rejecting anyone who wanted to visit him.

While cleaning out the Ugendo as a way to cope with the loss of his partner, he comes across a neatly kept journal that he recognizes to be his wife’s handwriting. Opening it, the first page said, “If you’re reading this, ‘Shiro, I’ve probably passed. This journal was kept in case you couldn’t find closure before you’re eager to follow me. I’d like you to do everything in this journal before you consider following me. I don’t suppose dying is your wish, anyways.” As he flipped to the next page, it was outlined repeatedly, a title that was made sure that he couldn’t miss: Before I die, I will…

Jushiro left a note on the table where he sat with his wife to dine with every night for Shunsui to find. The note said, “Don’t look for me; I’m okay.”

-`♡´-

Jushiro had requested a Gigai from Kisuke to stay off the radar. Getting money was the hard part of his whole idea. But he managed. The Ukitake clan isn’t just a noble for no reason. He had to find a way to get what he wanted as the eldest son without anyone knowing. And that he did. He spent his days sightseeing with a Polaroid and a journal.

“‘Before I die, I will…’” Jushiro read aloud, taking a beautiful sunset of a tulip field in Amsterdam; the flowery fragrant washed over him as the soft spring breeze blew past his white locks. He combed through his hair with his hand as he smiled at the small windmill spinning slowly from the breeze. He took the Polaroid picture & pinned it to the first page of the journal. “Lush greenery with spotted pinks, yellows, and reds decorates the fields of Amsterdam, and I can see why you wanted to visit my love; the sunset paired with the spring breeze; I can see you in a white dress and hat, twirling in the fields. You would have loved this place,” Jushiro wrote in the journal. Every night, he had hoped he saw his wife in his dreams, but he didn’t. When he visits the locations in her journal, he can almost hear her laughter as he arrives.

As he turned away, he could feel a warm breeze embrace him, asking him not to go, but he always shook his head, “I’ve got places to go for my wife.”

It used to be that whenever he did anything physical, his body would always bail out on him & cause a coughing fit. His wife popped her bankai, gave him her life & took away his illness, too. The only thing that changed was his eye colors. Everyone commented that he had pretty green eyes. But he could never bring himself to look at himself in the mirror. As he hiked the mountains of Colorado, he thought about how his wife always had so much energy. She was always running around for him, running errands, collecting medicine for him; she was never tired afterward. Even after a long day at work, she would be home cooking and cleaning for him to give him the best he deserves. Thinking back, he regretted not telling her that she was doing great. As he reached the summit, he couldn’t be more grateful for his lungs working well. He took a picture from the summit of the mountains, “Before I die, I will hike Colorado. I see why you thought this place was beautiful. The air is fresh, and I feel free & on top of the world. It would have been perfect if I could take a picture of you in your hiking gear, reaching the summit with me.” He wrote down with the polaroid before pinning it to the journal again.

The cool mountain breeze wiped the sweat off his forehead this time, asking him to stay. But, he shook his head again, “I’ve got places to go for my wife.”

His wife always told him about the books she had read while she was in the human world, and there was a series she had come across that had been turned into a set of movies. Although she never brought the books back, now that he’s visiting the set of castles in Romania, he couldn’t help but wonder what the books described. He put those books on his reading list as he snapped a picture of the foggy scenery; the heavy fog placed a heavy feeling of mystery in the air. “Before I die, I will see Dracula’s castle in Romania; the condensed water vapor in the humid air gave a sense of mystery as the skies clouded with worry above the pointed roof decorations. The many windows faced towards me, & I can’t help but wonder, ‘did I see someone walking in the hallways of the ancient castle?’” Jushiro wrote down in the journal with the picture pinned in it.

Forest-green eyes squinted at a window from afar, and a shadowy figure waved in his wife's figure. He rubbed his eyes to refocus, but it was his grief playing tricks on him. A coat hanger around her height stood in one of the rooms. A saddened smile on his face as he whispered, “She would have loved this place, too. But I’ve got places to see for my wife.”

The smell of a summer breeze tickled his senses as he arrived in Washington state, up a hiking trail to reach the beautiful scenery before him. The reflection of the blue skies on the water with the reflection of sunlight illuminating the crest of the water. The fishes swim around, yet he fails to see a pair of carp. It left him with a smile. As he took a picture, a pair of ducks were swimming side by side. He pinned the image on the journal & wrote, “As I closed my eyes, I can feel my nerves calm by the splashing of the water; with my eyes opened, I can see a pair of ducks swimming side by side. Oh, how I wish that were us, side-by-side, holding hands, as we reach each destination.”

As he turned away, songbirds flew above him, singing a melody oh so beautiful, but, in his grieving heart, it sounded like a melody of yearning. He shook his head as his mind wondered if he should stay longer, “no, I’ve got places to go for my wife.”

A massive jump in scenery, from the clear skies of Washington state to the gloomy ones in Edinburgh, Scotland, reflects his crying heart. The urge to step out from underneath his umbrella & to be pelted by the skies. The smell of rain that his wife always said gave her mixed feelings. Sometimes, it reflected the sadness in her heart; other times, it reflected the coming of a new season. “Before I die, I will visit Edinburgh; I heard from the locals that they call it the ‘Athens of the North,’ though I can’t say I’ve been in the human world during that period. But, seeing this scenery, I’m sure it was a place of wonder. The rain makes the roads sparkle with street lights illuminating, kids smiling & laughing, running around joyously without care. Would our family have liked this place if you were by my side?” Jushiro hummed a little, pinning the picture to the journal.

A few raindrops fell onto his shoulders as he headed to his hotel. It reminded him of the days you were playful, tapping him on the shoulder but acting like it wasn’t you. He laughed a little at the memory, “I can’t stay for long; I’ve got places to go for you, my love.”

The warmth of the Blue Lagoon shocked Jushiro. The writing in the journal from his wife couldn’t explain what he was saying; it was fogging from the steam of the lagoon. A view that should have been freezing thawed the ice surrounding his heart after his wife had passed away. He snapped a video and a picture on the Polaroid before writing down, “The ice that surrounds my fragile heart thawed at the sight of the lagoon, the warmth charging at me with a warm embrace. I wish I could have visited this place with you when you were still alive.”

As he turned away, the ripples of the lagoon beckoned him to stay. As much as he wanted to, all he could do was shake his head and respond quietly, “My wife is waiting for me.”

There were a few more places to go, but he had to rearrange the order of some of the ones on the list, as seasons don’t pass in the order of how it was organized. Jushiro went to a desert in Morocco, traveling with a group of travelers who were there to check off a list as well. But he kept to himself as he rode on the camel’s back. The sand, once smooth, was now thoroughly plowed through by the camel. He took a few pictures of the sand and the line before him. He writes down awkwardly in his journal, “The sand plowed through by the journey ahead of us. I’m grateful that my journey was filled with you. I wish for more, but you must take a step first.” He smiled, realizing that most of the writing before was just him describing the scenery he saw before him. But he wasn’t sure who would read it if he were to follow after his wife. It’s not like they had kids together, and he wasn’t sure anyone else in Gotei 13 would be comfortable reading through these. At one point, the writing turned into desperate pleas for his wife to return to his side. Just because the ice had thawed, it didn’t change how much he still wanted to be by her side.

As he boarded a flight out of Morocco, the golden sand beckoned where he stayed. But he shook his head once more, “I might be back, I might not. Let’s see where my wife awaits me.”

When he arrived back in Japan to pick up a few items from Urahara’s store, he was greeted by the shopkeeper, who asked where he was going. It was rare for Kisuke to attempt to converse with him; he’s kept to himself ever since his wife’s passing. Surprised, Jushiro smiled a little, pointing at your handwriting in the journal. “Go to Paris in the Fall. My wife thinks the theme there is romantic, so that’ll be where I’m headed.”

“What are your plans after you’ve visited everywhere your wife wanted to go?”

Jushiro blinked a few times, humming thoughtfully, “I haven’t decided. She says, "If at the end of the trip, I still wanted to be with her, then she couldn’t stop me from following her.” He intended to die as well, something that was out of everyone’s control. Jushiro offered a sad smile, “don’t tell anyone, please don’t try to stop me either.”

Kisuke huffed, nodding at his request. As he turned away to leave, he had to squeeze out one more sentence, “Be careful, and there have been sightings of the Gate to Hell repeatedly opening in Karakura town and the town over; it’s been frequent. But the spiritual pressure near it has been too strong, and it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s happening. The Gotei 13 is worried for you.”

Jushiro understood the implications; it was because he had died only to be pulled back. Perhaps they were trying to take him back, “Thank you for your warning. I’ll be careful,” with that, he left the shopkeeper. Although what he said did bother him, he didn’t think much about it as he was ready to book a flight and head to the airport, a sudden spike of spiritual pressure-charged at him.

When Kisuke said it was strong, he didn’t think it would suffocate; it was far more substantial than a captain’s spiritual pressure. He took a few steps before collapsing at the intersection. From the corner of his eye, he recognized a familiar figure with a taller figure, speaking as if the pressure was not affecting them. As he crawled a little closer to confirm his suspicion, he was right.

The familiar spiritual pressure, although suffocating, was that of his wife. You were standing there, leaning against the wall, dressed in black, talking to the taller man before you. The two of you had a solemn look. As much as he wanted to run up to you and hug you, his body defied his orders. All he could do was watch from afar. He was doing his best to hear what you two were talking about. For all he knew, he was sure you had died in his arms. Why you were in Karakura town with a suffocating amount of spiritual pressure is beyond him.

“We have to wipe your memory,” the taller man spoke, crossing his arms, “just because you’re a gatekeeper doesn’t mean you can jump in and out of Hell to seek out your husband. He could have moved on for all we know, and you wouldn’t know.” Jushiro wanted to object, and he would never move on from you. He gritted his teeth but could do nothing about it.

“I think you forgot,” just hearing your voice calmed Jushiro down. It made his feelings of following after your death and waiting for so long all the worth. “This body,” he watched you point to yourself near accusingly, “was forcibly given to me. I cannot permanently stay in Hell; it rots away. It ages far too fast.” As you explained the facts, the man nodded, “Yes, I miss my husband. But, I cannot go against the wishes of the previous owner, who requested that I live for her and find her biological parents. Just because she was young back then doesn’t make it any less of a sin if I went against her wishes now.” Jushiro heard of possession, but he thought that was a thing of the myths. Soul reapers cannot possess a body, yet he didn’t know members of Hell could.

“We’re still wiping your memory; that way, it would keep your powers in check,” the man said, placing his hand on your forehead. " Do you have any last words?”

As you were about to talk, Jushiro managed to call your name, enough to catch both your and the man’s attention. "Shiro? Why are you? Your spiritual pressure is too strong, King of Hell,” you responded annoyingly.

The man shook his head lightly. " No, that’s you. I suppressed it before coming here to meet you. That’s why I said we need to wipe your memory. It’s also suffocating to those around you, not that you know it.”

“Would I–”

“Yes, you can get your memory back,” the man glanced at Jushiro, who stood back up after a bit. If he can trigger them correctly, you can remember. You’re mighty strong. I was looking forward to you joining the ranks in Hell; I didn’t know she would join in your place instead.” As you were ready to object, and Jushiro was prepared to respond, the King of Hell ended up wiping your memory, leaving the memory of when you came into possession of the body. “Oops, it’s not like you weren’t strong; you just ended up in Soul Society instead of Hell during your first death; that was my bad. The least I can do now is give you a life back in the world of living as you deserve.”

As your body collapsed from the memory wipe, Jushiro rushed to your side; his embrace around your body was to check if you were alive. Which you were, just passed out from the sudden surge.

“I’ll be taking her back to her home. Give her a few years. In the meantime, she’s still trying to get her degree. I do recommend you go back to Gotei 13. It would be nice not to be investigated since we have rules. " That gave Jushiro something to do while he waited for you. He nodded, reluctant to let you go, but at the end of the day, his heart calmed down, and he did.

Watching the man leave with your limp body, he memorized your spiritual pressure and the way you were dressed, all just to find you in the future—his plans of following you after your death were erased.

“I guess Halloween truly is the day of the dead,” Jushiro spoke quietly, recalling what he had picked up from travelers as he visited places you requested.

---------------------------------------------

Happy Halloween! I originally wrote something else as a show of power, but this would be better for the spooky season. The sequel will be posted tomorrow, but do know that the story is based on a reader who doesn’t remember Jushiro. Or any knowledge of Soul Society or Hell. It’ll be explained slowly as the story progresses. Think of it as a slow burn.

Aries' AO3

#jushiro ukitake x reader #ukitake jushiro x reader #ukitake x reader #bleach fanfiction #i'll see you tomorrow #jushiro ukitake #bleach fandom #bleach ukitake #bleach x reader #bleach x y/n #isyt #it's also on ao3 #THE END

7 notes · View notes

blissfullyecho · 2 years ago

Note

Please make a part 2 of the things you don't believe in regards to the self-development community. You give the best advice and have the best insight about things I have never even thought about! Thank you!!!!

unpopular opinions i have on self-improvement (part 2) — get your pitchforks ready

1. i don’t believe in “being gentle with yourself” as an act of self care and personal development. if you are an extremist, then fine— but most people aren’t extremist and they use the “be gentle with yourself” advice to justify laziness. you’re not a little daffodil, you’re an adult human being with adult responsibilities. you being “gentle” with yourself is just you wanting to be babied all the time. get up, get moving.

2. you learning a language does not change the kind of person you are. whenever i search “how to improve myself” and one of the top tips is to learn a language, i scream. learning a language is a great skill to have for obvious reasons, but it doesn’t have anything to do with self-improvement. sure, you learned something new, but you didn’t change as a person. i speak 3 languages, yet i’m the same person. learning a new language is something you should do because you want to do it… not because the internet says it makes you a better person. all learning a language does is it makes you LOOK more well-rounded and traveled. and let’s be real, most of you are not well-traveled to begin with. let’s focus on REAL CHANGE, not facades.

3. journaling doesn’t help with everyone. i hate journaling— my hand hurts and it’s not like i’m going to read what i put down ever again. don’t feel obligated to journal if you don’t like it. i hate it and because i dislike it so much, journaling didn’t work for me. i DO know people like journaling and it helps them, so it’s not like i *don’t* believe in journaling, but i don’t believe it’s a necessity for everyone.

4. “you should forgive yourself”. nope. if you are over the age of 18, you have already learned what’s right vs. what’s wrong. everything you have in your life (after the age of 18) was and still is completely up to you. you chose the habits that led you up to where you are and you made the conscious effort to do so. this doesn’t apply to anyone that’s working on mental illness, but for the rest of you— why are you forgiving yourself? stop acting like you were brain dead before and you just now had an epiphany. we ALL are faced with choices to make everyday; you just didn’t care at the time and now you do. i’m not forgiving my past self for the mistakes i made because i made them consciously. i didn’t show up to my classes, i overate, i didn’t go to the gym, i didn’t study for that test, i didn’t look my best that day, etc. the things you do/don’t do are all choices. i’m not going to forgive myself. i fucked up, end of story. next.

5. “it’s okay to have bad days” advice is something i agree with but disagree with when it’s misused. what i agree with is that we are all going to have bad days. what i don’t agree with is using this as an excuse to not get anything done. i work on myself each day because i don’t have to feel a certain emotion to get what i need to get done. i don’t need to be in a good mood to go to the gym. i don’t need to be in a good mood to take a shower. it’s okay to be in a bad mood, but it’s not okay to use the “i’m just having a bad day” as an excuse to not get your stuff done and that’s where everyone misused the “bad day” advice.

6. this kind of ties in with #5, but i saw on instagram from this annoying “self love” page that we should normalize allowing children to stay home from school to have mental health days and adults being able to stay home from work to have mental health days. that is fucking stupid and it’s breeding victim mentality. coming from someone (me) who has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, you don’t need a fucking mental health DAY. kids are at school and adults are at work for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. you mean to tell me you can’t prioritize your mental health around those 8 hours each day? your mental health days can be on your weekends— not on days where you/kids have a personal responsibility. this is the real world— your responsibilities will forever be there. you wanting to rest because you’re just not “there” today is not a reason for the world to stop because of you. your job needs you. your mental health does not matter to your coworkers who will have to carry on the extra workload for your “mental health day”. grow the fuck up. again, i’ve been there. it’s not like i haven’t gone through mental health issues before. but if your mental health is so deep, maybe you should stop working altogether and get on disability. that’s always an option.

i already know i’m going to get the “triggered girlies” coming for me on this post. save yourself the time and embarrassment writing me long paragraphs of me being “toxic” and how much i hurt your feelings. i’m a stranger to you— i should not hold that much power over you to be hurt like that lol.

119 notes · View notes

naturegoddessdiary · 1 year ago

Text

Ladies, I am approaching my five-year mark since I’ve been in a relationship and sexually active. When I tell people about my journey they give me a bizarre look. My healing journey started because a man I “loved” ( in quotation marks because I’ve learned that was NEVER LOVE) made me feel small. He body shamed me, abused me, called me ugly, fed on my insecurities, threw me out in the street, told me my dreams weren’t attainable, cheated on me, allowed another man to disrespect me, and never had my back when his friends and family talked ill about me.

I go hard for self-love and healing because without those things I would still be begging someone/men to love me. Unfortunately, I can’t blame him for everything because I allowed these things( I don't blame myself for abuse). I allowed myself to be mistreated because I didn’t know how to fight for myself, plus I was insecure and men-centered.

I am not a strong, independent black woman who doesn’t need a man. I’m a soft black woman who refuses to allow a man to mistreat her and settle. This is why I’ve been single for so long. I also needed time to heal and get to know me. It is easier to jump into a relationship or have casual sex to numb the pain.

I process everything for 4 1/2 years. I cried, questioned, and reflected over the years. I can say healing is worth it. I have a couple of wounds open, but it’s not as bad as before. That is why I ended up relocating to Maui. For those that don’t know Maui is known as the heart chakra. My heart was broken into pieces and Mother Maui helped. Many of you know I am a lover.

This post is for any woman who is hurting over what they thought was love. To any woman with daddy issues. To any woman that craves love and wants to be in a relationship, but refuses to settle. To anyone who feels they will never heal from a broken heart.

Lead with love and take as much time as you to heal. I used to cry in my room every night asking God when am I going to receive love. Now my bed is filled with love because I laid in it.

It’s going to be okay. You are someone’s prayer. You are in someone’s manifestation journal. You exist, therefore your person exists too.

Never settle in love.

With love, Mel 💚

#🫶🏾✌️🏾

21 notes · View notes

napping-sapphic · 11 months ago

Note

Hello! I have a Situation and its totally cool if you're not able to give advice but im looking for advice anyway bc im autistic and have no idea how to navigate romantic situations.

So ive had a friend since i was 12 her pronouns are she/they so i will be using both. Im now 20 and they're 21. I've known I like girls since i was 13. And shes pan.

So, in the past, ive had like fleeting thoughts of dating/kissing them but i usually just shake my head and think "nah i cant possibly want to date her bc they're my best friend, i just have very strong platonic feelings." Like Very Strong. Ive literally said that i will always compare my feelings for a future romantic partner with my feelings for her bc they're so strong.

So im honestly not sure if i would know if i was in love with someone unless it hit me in the face, and i am currently feeling like it has hit me in the face. I woke up at like 4 am last night from a dream just thinking "omygosh im in love with her" and ive been journaling and thinking all day ahout my feelings and im starting to think ive just been in strong denial/oblivious about my feelings. Both bc im autistic and have difficulty identifying emotions and bc im demiromantic and rarely experience romantic attraction so i dont have much experience with it.

I guess the point of this ask is about any advice you can give regarding knowing if i actually have romantic feelings and if i do,, like what do i do about it??? Should i tell them? We have a really strong friendship and i dont wanna make her uncomfortable. I think ill be okay not acting on my feelings but its been literally less than 24 hrs since realizing my feelings might be romantic and i dont know if it will be difficult to hide or what to do about it. They're also like my only close friend so i cant just ask her what to do like i would normally, which is why im asking you.

Again, i understand if you cant answer this bc its a pretty personal situation but i would appreciate any advice.

Thank you! :)

Ahh once again prefacing with the fact that I am really Not Qualified to give advice on most things😅 but I can give you my take as an outsider on the situation and with my (very limited experience) in case that might help you at all, but again really take all of this with a LARGE grain of salt i am a VERY unqualified stranger on the internet so most of what i say is probably nonsense😅

I feel like this is like my go to advice but I’d say just wait it out tbh, as someone who was in capital L love with their childhood best friend for a while it really just came down to time for me. It took a while for me to be sure whether the feelings were romantic or platonic for SURE. Especially since the platonic love stayed for me even when the romantic love began🤷‍♀️ it made it extra tricky to tell lol.

My ‘oh this is NOT just platonic’ realization came from YEARS of excessive thinking about them, WAY too much jealousy when they dated other people, a LOT of thoughts and urges about holding their hand, a lot of comparing them to people i had passing crushes on, and (i kid you not) an embarrassing amount of love poems teenage me wrote about them lol😅

However! The slow process and thinking it through also lead me to the conclusion that i did NOT want to date them. Being a couple just wouldn’t work for us and I value them so so so SO much as my best friend and really need them in my life as that separate, constant, platonic relationship that I deeply love and care for. It works better for us than any sort of dating could🤷‍♀️ not to mention all of our other clashing traits that just wouldn’t work if our relationship was romantic. And now I’m honestly really not romantically interested in them anymore, they’re just my best friend and always will be :)

I dont think it’s too unusual to fall a bit (or a lot) romantically in love with a best or close friend, I think the more important thing to recognize is whether it’s something worth acting on, that you’re willing to act on, and that will be good for both of you to act on

So I’d say ruminate on it! There’s no pressure to figure it out, if you start getting too preoccupied with it you can try talking it through with them, not even as a confession type thing, you can simply have a conversation letting them know you’re a little confused or wanting their opinion if you think they’ll be receptive to it. Best I can tell you is that there’s no clock on figuring it out, there’s no “right” way to define what type of love you feel, and to remember that either way you’ve got a great person in your life. I’m very sorry I can’t be more help and if anyone has any other advice feel free to leave it in the notes for this person! Good luck to you and I hope you find what you’re looking for soon <3!!

#asks #if i remember right this is my fourth case of giving probably shit advice im so sorry anon #ALSO remember to trust yourself more than me or anyone else you ask for advice💪#also ALSO sorry i talk a lot #i talk more when i get uncertain about what i’m saying😓#again im very sorry but im wishing you SO much luck #🐙🪼🦐🐠🐟🐬🦞🦀🐋🐡 <- calming aquarium trip for you!!

7 notes · View notes

kamiversee · 8 months ago

Note

AAA okay thoughts, why do I feel like there's so much HINTS dropped in this chapter but my smooth brain isn't picking up on much?? well ill just let other theorists pull it out for me :D maybe it'll show to me in a dream tonight or something

Geto is a WHOLE menace but idk who he's even rooting for anymore, as you said he has been on the fence for this whole thing but he betted for us and Choso but also made the situation chaotic for Gojo, it's weird but he did say it will be a win-win no matter what (idk what that means hopefully it's not a win-win for Gojo as well) but I mean he did kinda make it better?? Reader wouldn't be able to tell some truth to Choso because she would hate to hurt him. Maybe Sugu deserves a pat on the head, that's it

Also Gojo is so hot like i know he's being a bit of a pervert this chapter but GOD his neediness, gotta get some of that lanky D- 🧍‍♀️ anyways as much as i love him, i cannot deal with him still lying to us. I can't believe he's been pining for THREE WHOLE YEARS 🗣️ stop being a coward gojo look what uve done

I JUST realized you meant a motorcycle for Yuki cause I was thinking like JUST A BIKE LMFAO and then i realized that one episode where Yuki appeared for the first time and it all made so much sense to me now

This is genuinely the calm before the storm because the reader is still SOMEHOW on the fence about Gojo and Choso so im kinda scared what will happen once she meets Gojo to burn the journal now that she's looking to make it official with Choso (I don't wanna hurt Choso anymore pls his poor heart :()

Appreciation for my favourite author because this chapter was a masterpiece like the previous chapters! I love how there's still tension in the air even if it SEEMS resolved, I love feeling on edge like something will break the seemingly almost perfect happy ending.

Also pls do not be like a mappa animator, rest when you need to 🙏🙏🙏 Burnout is NOT fun and ignore the anons who wanna rush you, there's not a lot of authors who pump out chapter after chapter every single day and YOU are a blessing. The real ones will always wait, we know how life gets :D so pls eat, drink, sleep well, and feel the amazing summer sun coming.

Slight yap ><

1. The hints dropped have actually been pretty mild recently ^.^

2. See? Someone gets that Suguru was looking out for both the reader & Gojo, either way he’d have a way of explaining himself for bringing up Sukuna 🤷‍♀️

3. Hey he wasn’t pining for three years perse, just talking about the reader >< Maybe we’ll get more lore on that another day tho…

4. HELP I MEANT MOTORCYCLE YES

5. I love how everyone’s still tense even tho nothing crazy is about to happen fr 😅

6. IM TRYING NOT TO BE A MAPPA EMPLOYEE BUT I GOT THE DRUGS & SOME PPL ARE ADDICTS APPARENTLY😭🙏

Anywho, ty for the appreciation ^.^ I’ll make sure to take care of myself dw!! <33

#kamiversee!answers

3 notes · View notes

raiden2394 · 1 year ago

Text

Make me S(cream)❤️

I know the title is corny, ill probably end up changing it later. This story is gonna be so fucking filthy, minors DO NOT READ IT OR REACT TO IT.

Songs I've listened to while writing this: chris brown ft. Drake-no guidance. Chris brown-under the influence. Tj dolla sign- or nah. Punkinlove-freakshow, treysongz- slow motion. Cassie- me n you

Bruh, this is gonna be the nastiest thing I've ever written in my whole life, I'm so excited to finish it later

-------------------------------------------------------

Toji is in his 30s, your best friend is in her mid 20s, your in your mid 20s as well

This story has: pussy eating, fingering, spitting and blowing on clit, squirting, alcohol consumption. If i missed anything, I'm sorry. I'm extremely tired atm 😅 ----------------------------------------------------

You were sitting in your bedroom, writing in a journal, headphones in both ears. It was Tojis birthday, and you were planning his birthday, trying to make it perfect. You texted your best friend, asking her if she was still coming over for the "surprise".

You were planning it so far in advance, so many ideas in your head and one popped up, oh this is gonna be good. You texted her when you thought of the idea.

"Hey pretty baby. I have this thought. Just a little one really. What do you think about threesomes?" you texted her, nerves going everywhere, no matter how many times you both flirted with eachother, this was the scariest thing to encounter.

She texts back and you jump from the buzzing of the phone, you immediately check it.

"Well hello to you too. My days great, I had a pretty good day at work. Thanks for asking 😒 annnddd, I think theyre hot. Why you asking?"

You chuckle at her response.

"Awh pretty girl, I'm glad you had a good day. But, I was wondering if you wanted to be in one....with Toji and i..?"

You're heart starts racing, nervous for her text to come through. So you get up and start pacing back and forth, biting your fingernails. *buzz buzz*. You immediately check it.

"Holy shit babe, havent you talked this over with toji? Is he okay with it? I wouldn't mind joining though, mainly for you 😉"

You giggle and text her back

"Well..I haven't talked to him about it. It's a surprise and seeing that it's gonna be his birthday in 2 weeks, I figured I'd talk to you about it."

*buzz buzz* you check your phone once again .

"Ooooo surprises. I love surprises. And fuck yeah babe, count me in. Just text me and let me know when to come over"

You smile and start to blush, thinking about how that nights gonna go. So you text her back

"Okay, will do. 😘"

-------------------------------------------------------

On the day of his birthday, you text her just yo make sure she's still willing to join

"Hey love, are you still interested in tonight?" You send the text

She texts back awfully fast

"Been waiting for this night since you told me about it"

You chuckle and respond

"Great! Come over at 3? Maybe 330?"

"See you then babe"

You smile and you automatically get butterflies, waiting for toji to get home. It's almost 1:00pm and he should be home soon. If not walking through the door already.

"Baby! I'm home!" Toji calls out, putting the keys on the counter and taking his shoes off, sighing with content when he takes them both off

You go to the living room, where he is and greet him with a kiss. "Hi baby, how was work?"

He let's out a long, exasperated sigh

"It was...something babe. As always." He runs his fingers through his hair, and pulls you in for a hug

"Missed you" was all he said, and you could just melt from his words. No matter how big and strong he was, he's a baby when he comes home to you

"Missed you more. So I have something to tell you, come" you take his hand and guide him to the couch. Toji, being confused, looks at you with a knitted eyebrow

"Okay, what is it?" He says, crossing his one leg over the other and sits back on the couch.

"So..I texted my best friend 2 weeks ago. And seeing it's you're birthday, I um.."

He looks at you with both eyebrows raised, eyes fixated on you

"I made plans for a threesome tonight" you say looking down at the ground, almost feeling shy telling him of your plans that you made

Toji breathes in deeply, and just chuckles.

"You made plans for a threesome" he repeats what you said and laughs it off, looking at the lamp across from him

You look at him with sad eyes, thinking he was upset about it and when he turns his head to look at you again, you see a whole different toji

He grabs your chin and inches close to your face, licking his lips

"How long have you planned this for babygirl? Because.." he bites his lip and inches towards your ear, whispering "I've been dreaming of having your little pussy in my face and fucking your best friend until she can't walk, all fucking day baby"

You gulp loudly, shivers traveling all over your body

"Um..2 weeks ago baby" you say, in a high pitched voice and he laughs at how flustered you get.

"When is this little fiasco happening? I need to hop in the shower before anything happens"

"I told her to come over around 3 or 3:30"

He looks at the clock, and it's almost 2:30

"Alright, I'm gonna take a shower. Your more than okay to join babygirl. I won't bite...not yet at least"

Giving you a wink, He gets up from the couch and starts walking towards the bathroom. Stripping his clothes before he even enters the room.

You chuckle to yourself and bite your lip, knowing you were in for a long night.

You get up and go straight to the bathroom where toji was washing himself up, lathering soap on his body and humming a melody he would hum to you before bedtime.

"Hey honey, you joining me?" He asks you.

"Yeah, I'll come in a minute"

He chortles and whispers low but you can still hear it

"You'll come in less than that baby"

Your eyes widen, and suddenly you forgot how to stand. Gripping tightly to the sink and trying to steady your breaths. Ridding of all your clothes, you hop in the shower and you swear, no matter how many Times you've seen toji naked and wet, it still makes you weak.

"Hey beautiful" he says in a low, sexy tone.

"Hey handsome" you smile and reach for the shampoo, but he beats you to it. Squeezing some on his hands and washes your hair. Sighing Contently, you close your eyes and smile. You love when tojis soft side comes out, loves when he washes your hair for you.

"Feel good baby?" He asks, scratching your head to lather the soap around

"Mmmm, yeah. Feels really good 'ji"

"Good baby. I can't wait to pull it later" he chuckles lightly

You open your eyes and turn to face him, him having a shit eating grin on his face

"Did I say something wrong baby?" He smiles at you and you give him a death glare, knowing damn well this motherfucker is trying to play with you

You both get out of the shower, dry off and get dressed. You look at your phone and the time reads '3:25' with a text from your best friend.

"I'm OMW. Be there soon" and you can't help the excitement that builds up in your stomach.

-------------------------------------------------------

'Knock, knock, knock' was all you heard and you rushed to the door, opening it up to see your best friend with alcohol bottles.

"I brought drinkksssss" she says, doing a little dance with the sway of her hips. You giggle and let her in, wasting no time in pouring drinks for the 3 of you.

You close the door, lock it and head over to where she was. She hands you a drink then hands you another for toji. "Here's to a good a d fun night" she winks at you while your taking a sip, almost choking on how much you put in your mouth.

She looks over at you and pats your back once, twice, three times until you put your hand up, thumbs up to let her know your good.

Toji looks over, glass by his lips, the aroma of the alcohol hitting his nose

"That won't be the only thing you choke on" he smirks and takes a sip of the drink.

You both look at him, as he's drinking casually, twirling the liquid in his cup.

You look back at your best friend, pulling at the collar of your shirt. "Is it getting hot in here? Are you hot?"

She starts giggling, alcohol making her feel buzzed already. "It's hot in here cause your in the kitchen" she winks at you, her eyes looking you up and then down, then back up again.

Biting your lip, the drink making you extra brave tonight, you grab her by the nape and pull her in for a deep kiss, swiping your tongue across her bottom lip, asking for entry. She obliges, sticking her tongue in your mouth, both of you fighting for dominance. Toji stares at you both, cup pressed against his lips with alcohol in his mouth, eyes wide and forgetting how to swallow.

You pull away, grabbing her hand and tojis hand, making a beeline towards the bedroom. Tripping on your own feet, laughing in the hallway until you get to the bed.

You waste no time stripping yourself, it's just so hot. Did toji turn up the heat? They both stare at you, then they look at eachother, nodding once and looking back at you. Toji comes up from behind you, mind feeling fuzzy but the feeling makes you feel so fucking good. Your best friend comes in front of you, immediately latching her teeth on your neck, sucking deep dark purple marks, those arnt going away anytime soon.

Tojis the second one to strip himself that night, dick pressed against your ass as he slowly grinds against you. You moan and put your hands In both of their hair, tugging slightly and moaning softly.

"Fuck-ive been waiting for this day. To be able to touch you, you don't know how many times I've fucked you in my mind" your best friend says, lips going lower to your breasts, sucking the right nipple in her mouth while her hand plays with the left nipple. Toji slaps your ass, gripping it tightly, his finger prints leaving white marks.

"Fuck baby. On the bed. Now" toji demands, your best friend unlatches her mouth from sucking on your nipple and you lay on the bed, legs spread as they both devour you with their eyes.

Toji bumps her with his elbow, looking in her eyes. "Wanna taste that sweet pussy together?"

She bites her lip, gets fully undressed and wastes no time getting on her knees in front of you, toji pulling your body to the edge of the bed as you let out a squeak.

"How you doin baby? You okay? What's the safeword?" Toji asks, rubbing his hands up and down your legs, inching close to where you both want them.

"I-I'm fine. Just want you both. And it's 'apples'"

"That's my girl" toji says, looking at the girl beside him, him pulling her in for a heated kiss, tongue and all. You stare at them, inching your hand towards your pussy and toji stops you, hand grabbing yours.

"Nu uh baby. Don't be impatient sweet thing" he looks at the girl, winks and they both start kissing up your legs, to your thighs, both leaving marks where their lips touch. They both stop at your pussy, both looking like they can't wait to fucking devour you whole. Before you get to protest, their heads dive down to lick at your clit, both of them moaning at the taste of you. Their tongues touching eachothers in a heated session, one blows on your clit while the other sticks their tongue in your clenching hole.

"Oh..oh fuck. Feels so good, don't stop. Fuck- please don't stop" you moan and grip their hair, pulling hard enough to where they both go faster, loving the sounds you make. They both spit on your cunt, toji pulling away as he pushes 1 finger in, then another, and another while your best friend sucks on your clit like it's the last time she will get to.

"Hhhhohmygodddd, feels so good! I'm gonna cum, pleasepleaseplease" you repeat like a broken record, toji hitting a spot that's making you see stars and feeling too much pressure as she focuses on your clit, moving her tongue faster and sucking on the bud.

"W...wait. oh fuck, baby I..mmmmm I'm gonna!" You let out the most pornographic moan tojis ever heard as you squirt all over your best friends face, all over tojis hand, the bed and some on the floor. She licks your clit slower, riding out your orgasm as she moans loudly into your cunt. Your breathing heavily, whimpering and pushing her head away, trying to anyway. She finally let's up, both of them looking at the mess you've just made.

"Holy shit, did you just squirt?" She asks, eyes widening and looking at you. You hide your face, nodding your head. "Holy fuck, that was so hot. Let's see if you can do that again" you remove your hands so fast, perk up on both your elbows and stares at them both

They both look at you "what?" They say in unison, and you plop back down. The orgasm ripping away all the energy you had.

"Oh no baby, don't fall asleep just yet. We're not done with you"

You can't imagine what tonight's gonna bring, but you just had the best orgasm of your life and you can't wait for more.

I'll make a part two to this tomorrow, it's currently 4AM right now and I'm looking like 🫥🥱☠️

#holyshit #thiswashotngl #ineedthisirl #toji x reader

11 notes · View notes

mistydeyes · 1 year ago

Note

HHHHHHHHIIIII 😭😭😭 is it okay if I can request a MWII pair-up? thank you if you do this and just wanna add that ur writing is so GRJRJRKKKSL

Appearance:

I am a Mexican girl with a medium beige skin tone and a bunch of moles around my body. I have dark brown eyes with long lashes. Dark-ish brown hair that is type 2C and a medium length. I have dark circles some are kindaaa deep. I wear red glasses (my vision is crappy asf). I’d say I’m about 5’3 💀💀. Clothing wise, I really like a Twlight-inspired look, but also loveeeee Chicano-styled clothes.

Personality:

I’m a Leo and INTP. I’m mostly an ambivert, since I switch up constantly depending on who I’m with. Usually, I’m more extroverted, outgoing, and chatty around my friends. If I don’t like somebody–or don’t know them well enough–then I’m quiet and a bit distant. I daydream a lot, and can get easily distracted, and sometimes I zone out when I feel sad or nervous. I’m (thankfully) funny in the words of my friends, and can be a compassionate, caring, and shockingly smart person. At the same time, I’m the type of person who will overthink about having to stand in the front of the class to speak. I also have a bad case of anxiety LMAO

Hobbies/Likes/Skills

Some of my hobbies are drawing and writing, and listening to music while daydreaming. Usually when I’m writing, it’s more like journaling all of my thoughts into a piece of paper. I like a bunch of colors, but a lavender purple (including the scent) has to be one of my favs. My interests are honestly around learning about mental illnesses or anything related to psychology. But, I’ve always had a childhood hyperfixation on SPACEEE (and sometimes the ocean). Some of my skills are bilingualism (English, obviously, and Spanish), the ability to play the violin, running reaaal fast, and being a comedic genius (can you tell I’m lying to myself). OH OH and my fav–sea–animals are the jellyfish and manatee 🫶🫶. And if it helps, my fav artists are TV Girl, Lana Del Rey, and Cults!!!

Okay that’s about it I’m SO SORRY if I made it long. Hopefully you enjoyed reading that long ass paragraph(s). Thank you SO MUCH if you do end up paring me up with one of the lil meow meows, and hope you have a good rest of the day/night 🫶🫶 take ur time!!

Johnny "Soap" Mactavish

How you met: Civilian You adored spending spring and summer in your home country. You didn't care what anyone said, Mexico was a little heaven on earth especially during the warmer months. Today, you decided to walk down to the local street market with some of your friends. You smiled as you walked amongst the various stands and watched as patrons purchased a variety of items. As you walked down another corridor of stands, you were attracted to one that sold flowers. You greeted the elderly stand owner and looked at the gorgeous array of bouquets. You finally settled on a beautiful arrangement of lilacs, hydrangeas, lilies, and your favorite, lavender. "Gracias," you gently said as you paid a fair price for the bouquet. You then continued on your way and tried to find your friends. However, you were distracted by someone arguing with a stand owner over the price of mangos. "This is bloody robbery," he exclaimed and you could see how sweat bounced off his arms which were perfectly showcased by a summer tank top. "This is the final price, sir," the owner firmly responded. You made your way to the stand as you were familiar with the owner. When he saw you approach, he smiled at you and warmly greeted you. "Diez 10 mangos para mi por favor," you happily said to the ire of the man next to you. As the owner prepared your fruits in a bag, you gave the man next to you a small smile. Once you were all paid, you knew your family friend had given you a discount. You took out 5 mangoes from your bag and gently handed it to him, much to the chagrin of the owner. "Thank you, lass," he replied in an accent reminiscent of Scotland or Ireland. "Enjoy your fruits," you remarked before continuing your shopping.

A peek into your relationship: After you helped Johnny with his precious fruit, it wasn't long until he found you again and asked for your number. That moment sparked a long distance relationship with constant texts and FaceTime calls. This time, you were flying on an 11hr flight to London. After some much needed rest, you and Johnny left the hotel to go to a museum he had planned and researched by himself. "Where are we going?" you asked as he helped to navigate through the winding streets and rail lines. "You'll see, bonnie," he simply replied and kissed your forehead. After the maze of directions, you finally arrived to your destination, the Royal Observatory. It took about 1 conversation for Johnny to realize your love for space and astronomy and he knew this was a perfect destination. You felt like a child in a candy store as you navigated through the exhibits and had him take pictures of you next to every picture of the galaxy and historic telescopes. "I saved the best for last," he said as he led you into a large room. You both sat patiently as you waited for the show to begin. Suddenly, the room grew dark and the crowd hushed as the ceiling above you turned into a gorgeous display of stars. Your eyes lit up at the sight and through the reflection of your glasses, Johnny could tell you were taking in the wonders before you. "A view of the stars for, mi estrella," he joked and besides his very poor attempt at Spanish, you blushed at the comment. Before he could say anything more, you quickly shushed him as you attentively listened to the musings of a scientist presenting. He simply laughed and threw his arm around you, happy he had planned an impressive date.

#izziespairings #madebyizzie #cod mwii #mw2 imagine #task force 141 #john soap mactavish #soap x reader #mw2

5 notes · View notes

six40seven · 2 years ago

Text

September 16-18th

I didnt go to school. I told Niki i was feeling too sick to and she just nodded and said it was fine. Just by her body language i could tell she was distracted by something else and i didnt want to bother her more then necessary. I wanted to say thanks to all the people on here sending kind messages and concerned asks. I am okay. I was just a little rattled these last few days and well, of course today. I havent slept in almost 32 hours. There is no way in hell im closing my eyes and waking up somewhere strange again with no recollection of how i got there.

This doesnt make sense, and i can tell youre telling me in your head “Ran you need to sleep.” And i know you’re right but it was just horrifying. I have a hard enough time remembering what i do when im awake. Why would this suddenly start happening to me. Its unfair. I was doing fine. Now im not, and i dread falling asleep again. Im too afriad to ask Niki to instal a lock of sorts so last night and the night before and really any time I’ve been feeling the urge to sleep.. well I’ve began to tie my foot to my post. ITS NOT TIGHT. I just dont want to wander off again.

Fall break is soon. I mean sorta. I attempted to attend school online the second day home after the ordeal but my connection was too shit. I guess its the trees blocking the signal. Or maybe the mountains. Speaking of trees, i havent left my house since that day. I dont want to risk whatever happened happening again, worse while im awak. Not that i think it will but the way the trees just… tempt me sometimes. I cant risk walking to the bus or walking even out of my house. WHEERE i use to consider it a blessing to not live in the town houses, i now regret never moving closer. Fuck. Its been so long since I’ve been outside im worried my skin will fall off my body and ill die if i spend one more day barred in my room.

Its okay, for the most part. besides the natural (?) urge i have to be outside all the time. Ive sort of forgotten to document much these o past few days. But i dont think anything else significant happened. As far as related to me. Niki didnt come back the first night and i spent all that time in ym room with the blind drawn and the lights on. I was afriad if i turned the lights off i would nod off. I ended up watching YouTube and Netflix on my laptop as well as cleaning my entire room.

Usually my room is a trash heap, i like it that way, its like having my own nest. But that first night. I couldn’t stand all the things and i pretty much Ed cleaned everything top to bottom in less then 3 hours. I found a few interested things while i was doing that, including but not limited to: a box full of my old Polaroids and camera, a stuffed animal i thought i had lost which went back onto my bed, and a total of 20 spare dollars made mostly out of 1 Dollar bills and quarters.

The only thing of real interest was the Polaroid camera. I thought i lost that thing years and years ago. I only know i had one at all because i have some older pictures pinned places and tucked into my phone case. Theyre all of people i dont really know but i like to think i do so i can carry some part of them with me. They must have been important to me at some point yk. So i decided to look through and sort out any of the Polaroids i remeber or anything like that. These are my findings. I’ll explain them after i show them to you.

starting at the left top and going left to right. It reads Nov 1st 20##. all of these are from when i was a kid. maybe when i was in 4th or 5th grade? Im not entirely sure the exact age i was. The photo shown is a picture i must have taken of some sort of important journal entry, i cant really read it but at least if i ever needed to remeber taking a picture.. I remember, thanks past me.

The next one, in order, is a picture of two shadows. Maybe three. Probably me. Maybe Niki… or Eryn. we were close when we were kids and hes in two of these already. So ill just mention him. idk if he will be okay with me talking about him on here. I dont think he knows i have this account. hopefully he doesnt find it. Not that i would care very much. He just doesnt like me. The caption is just a date. oct 3rd. no year. I wonder when it happened? sometime in my childhood probably. I havent used this camera in years and years. I lost it so long ago.

The third is a weirdly saturated picture of a park in my town. The bigger town. Its just weird. And the caption says… evacuating or something. Its sorta weird. also Niki might have taken this picture because her name is on it too. Seems like her type of thing. from what i remeber as a kid, when we still lived in the big town, she was into weird saturated pictures. Something about scene. I dont know really.

The fourth is on the second line of pictures i found in the Box. On the bottom left. It says July 20## again sometime in my childhood. It shows aforementioned Eryn crouching ont he ground showing something to everyone. Or the viewer. I can see myself, or younger me. Younger me off to the side. Someone else took this picture. I dont remeber this happening. But it was important enough to keep so there it is. Thats pretty much it.

The fifth, wow thats a lot of numbers. Its got a smiley face :) on it. and its a picture of the lake. Yk the one bordering the left side of the bigger town. Its one of the smaller more muddy parts so its all gross. Probably from a hike that i wanted to remeber with Niki or something. I loved the lake when i was a kid. It was fun to swim in but after… after awhile i stopped going and then it closed because of something weird and now you can only go hiking near and around it.

The sixth. A picture of me and ****** hugging. Eryn in the background. It reads Eryn & ##### July. Its a cute picture. I dont know… who ****** is? Yeah i dont know. but i must have known them at one point because thats them. Yeah. They look familiar in the worse way and i pretty much threw that one back in the box as soon as I could. I dont like lookign at it. My stomach hurts when i do.

The seventh. And last a picture of a cat. Even when i was a kid i also apparently liked cats. It reads Spring 20##.

So yeah. I just wanted to say im glad i was able to find them and document them somewhere. I also thought while im explaing photos and stuff ill go into a little detail about what i discovered from that night. Posted on here.

The first piece is clearly a path somewhere in the forest. If i were to say, somewhere further in the mountains, near where the older remains of mines are. The only thing wrong about this piece is that…. When i posted it, theres no wya for there to have been snow. So either the photo is altered in some way, which is unlikely, because from what i can tell it was posted in the middle of the night. Or it was actually snowing wherever i was. even though all the previous days it had been raining.

The next picture looks like some sort of underground tunnel, lined with bricks and ending in step leading up to a barred and maybe locked? I dont know, barred iron gate. I have never seen that place before. Ive been in a lot of abandoned buildings that I’ve found near here but I’ve never seen something like this. The only explaination i can give for the location is possibly a sewer enterance somewhere in the basement of one of the older buildings, not from the big town but rather from the smaller town nearer to my house. Again, it looks like its snowing. Which makes no sense in any context, since it was snowing when i woke up (even though i said i thought it was) and because if this was underground where would snow be coming from? The title says… I heard you. Im here. I dont remeber this. Obviously. and i dont know who i would have.. heard? It doesnt make any sense.

The third picture… i dont have much to say. It looks dark. Maybe its related to the second picture, maybe its on the otherside of the gate. But I’ve never seen a place that dark before. Especially if it has walls. which I think it does. so it must be in a building somewhere out in the forest. Sorta supports my abandoned building theory. Or abandoned mine shaft? I have no idea. But the capture is clearly a long hallway. the caption says something is wrong. No duh. I am clearly self aware even if i dont remeber. I wonder if i act different..

Anyway, thats all for the last few days. I probably will end up attending school tomorrow. Niki isnt home yet, its near the end of the day so if she isnt home by now im assuming shes staying overnight at the office. wouldn’t be the first, wont be the last. I might get a snack before trying not to fall asleep a third night in a row. If anyone wants to chat with me, ill be open to the distractions.

#sleepyspeaking

3 notes · View notes