#and they were like ‘ptsd isn’t real because. jesus never mentions it’ and then they branded my dad as a heretic and stopped talking to him
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romance-incubomp3 · 5 months ago
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the actual wild thing that happened today was not only were a group of customers from the same area of colorado I’m from when I mentioned the specific tiny town I lived in they were like “oh yeah my cousin’s family is at the church there” and it was the pastor’s family that told the rest of the church to shun my family and stop talking to us during the time we were going through nonstop mental health and financial crises and my mom had left us for her new job in another state after her business failed and my parents were on the verge of getting a divorce and everyone was suicidal and then we lost our house to foreclosure 🫠 I was like “haha wow what a small world!😃” not gonna tell them about all the trauma their relatives contributed to god bless<3
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hidingoutbackstage · 1 year ago
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Death Island liveblog thoughts all in one post
Oh the villain is former Umbrella. Great
Okay we’re spending way too much time filling in Dylan’s backstory. We get it.
Oh the openings credits are LAZY that’s just footage from the other movies/games/shows
Wow this voice acting isn’t great (this will persist throughout the rest of the film)
Ah, never change, Leon. Opening fire in an area where you could easily misfire and hit civilians
Yeah no you’re not surviving that motorcycle crash that easily
Also way to get around the problem people had with Vendetta by making the villain the one causing the traffic problems
Wow so many new models made for random side characters but they couldn’t make a new Jill? Cring
Gotta have a slow mo shot in all of these movies I guess
“Hi Rebecca.” “Hey Chris.” Good, unnaturally establish their names like they didn’t do that in the opening credits
Jill and Chris talking about Wesker like it’s the first time they’ve talked about it since 2009? It’s been 6 years???
Oh they mention Piers that’s fun totally not wondering how I can use this for yhsb
Lol Maria’s model being the exact same. Queen has one (1) outfit
Wow disabled villain. How original
Why are you hiding his face we know it’s Dylan
Oh so they made two models for Dylan, young and old, but they couldn’t make a new Jill model. Got it
Claire and Jill interaction FINALLY
Wow good job Death Island you bass the Bechdel test
Claire called in Jill and Chris meaning she came to Becky with the info first okay girl I see you (🏳️‍🌈)
Hehehe. Zombie sharks zombie sharks zombie sharks zombie sharks
Okay obvious Jill PTSD that’s cool
Floors just randomly collapsing. Yeah sure they do that
LMFAO THE ZOMBIE RIPPING OFF CHRIS’ STUPID TOURIST SHIRT that is unintentionally fucking hilarious
Jesus christ Dylan is an insufferable villain
He’s just Glenn Arias again but more insufferable
Leon stop quipping for fucking once. Jill and Leon are a fun pair though
Okay the aquatic lickers are fucking coooooool
Yes please have a lingering shot on Jill’s legs with her breasts in the shot too as a tongue tries to grab her. Very normal thing to do
That’s right Chris keep the women in your life who get understandably upset in check
Wasn’t Harvardville 10 years ago? Why wouldn’t people know TerraSave was framed?
“We’d help you even if you were the bad guys” followed by a Definitely The Bad Guy shot
Oh boy Jill and Leon made it to the Big Action Set Piece in all the trailers
“Leon Chris Jill and Claire” fuck you Rebecca you’re not important enough to steal data on. Even though like. Didn’t the opening credits imply Rebecca’s info was taken too? Whatever
“Let’s burn it all” is this not incriminating evidence?
AHDHDJSHDBSJ DYLAN BLAKE??? THAT’S A RANDOMLY GENERATED WHITE MAN NAME
Okay I gotta admit mosquitos is a clever way to infect people
“Arias and I did a lot of business together so you could say we were sort of close” yeah dude you’re a Carbon Copy of that man
Ohhhh my g-d Dylan is annoyinggggg
Oh noooooo Dylan is doing the villain thing where his principle makes sense but he uses terrorism to do it. “Fuck the world for being run by big corporations and evil government who don’t give a damn about the innocent. So I’m going to turn the world into zombies” fuck youuuuu writersssss
It’s LITERALLY ECOFASCISM LMFAO this sucks
You know they could actually have paralleled Jill’s and Dylan’s trauma in an interesting way. But then they didn’t
They explored Dylan’s trauma more than Jill’s. Jill’s got one conversation. One.
This tension is so fucking nothing lmao we KNOW they’re not gonna kill the MAIN FOUR PROTAGONISTS this is all just padding
“None of you know what it’s like to be forced to kill your best friend” yes they do she’s pointing a gun at you asshole
Dylan as a villain suuuuuucks I can’t emphasize this enough
Rebecca’s main character status means she doesn’t need any real protective gear
See these government agents are the good guys I swear because they say they wanna help people
Claire is honestly the only person of this group who’s a “good” person cuz she works for an NGO while the rest are government agents. Lol
“We’ve got Jill” yeah Jill was definitely the moral center of this group that was totally established
Rebecca and Jill, Bechdel test…2!
Does Maria ever. Like. Talk?
So Chris how’s it feel to finally get infected like literally everyone else in your line of work that you’re friends with? Now you can join the club. They have buttons
“Thanks Rebecca” kiss her then <3
Oh good Maria does talk
Wow Leon, calling a woman a bitch? Rude
I hope she does kill him just so I don’t have to hear Matt Mercer’s voice for the rest of the movie
Okay so the mosquitos infect humans. Why the sharks? Why the aquatic lickers?
Okay now I get the shark but again. The lickers? Aquatic? Why?
“I’ll finally atone for murdering my friend so that I could survive” or you could have just killed yourself all those years ago. Could’ve saved a lottttt of trouble if you’d just killed yourself
This Leon/Maria fight scene has way too many sound effects (we get it she’s in leather it doesn’t make THAT much noise) but also I am 100% rooting for Maria here. Matt is annoying and she’s literally just out for revenge for her father
Noooo not her titties
What a fucking unceremonious way for Maria to go out jesus christ
Dylan-shark is just HAOS…2!
“Take Rebecca and stop those drones” Leon playing matchmaker good for him
This action music is so over the top lmao
Claire and Becky you’re soooo smart you two should kiss abt it
HELL YES JILL WITH A GIANT GUN GIVE IT TO MEEEE
I’m having so much fun I almost forgot I was pissed that Jill didn’t age
“We control the drones now so why don’t we use them” um. Becky. I know you weren’t there to hear the whole ecofascism spiel but. Maybe don’t. Do that.
See Jill’s quips are good. Leon’s quips are too many in rapid succession
Oh she was using the drones to over-infect Dylan (saying this she casually threw aside a large rock)
Someone is going to say Leon and Chris assembling and using that weapon was actually intentional imagery for gay sex I just know it
That high five between Claire and Becky means everything to meeee (they should’ve kissed after though)
It is cool that all five were in a movie, no complaints there
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kaypeace21 · 4 years ago
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Stranger things is about mental health & trauma- deal with it!
I’ve seen a lot of people claim anyone who mentioned this topic immediately be gaslit and told they’re “just crazy” and “rudely projecting their own issues on to the characters.’ Like- no you don’t have to believe my  Will DID/Lonnie theory ( I could be wrong). But to claim one of the show’s central themes isn’t about mental health/trauma (screams either complete lack of lit comprehension or denial cause you have your own negative biases towards such people). So let’s just go into what’s literal text-not subtext/symbolism. Just the super blatant stuff.  RIGHT IN THE SHOW!
S1
-We have El when she first appears on screen  asked by Benny if her parents starved and hurt her and if that’s why she ran away. Benny then calls CPS to say El “may have been ab*sed or something.” After this Lucas says there is “seriously something wrong with her-wrong in the head. She’s probably from the NUT-HOUSE in curly county.penthurst” We also see El  cannonically has PTSD-all of s1 she’ll see something benign (a cat, a coke commercial, a closet) and is triggered to see a traumatic flashback. That’s literally ptsd.  There’s also hints throughout the seasons she’s developmentally behind in both language, telling time etc (neglect like El’s irl can cause an intellectual disability-analysis on El/that subject here).The real pethurst in pensylvannia (not the one in stranger things/ Curly county)  closed in 1986-  it was a facility for people and mostly  kids with intellectual disabilities (it wasn’t technically a psych facility like the one in st)-but it was infamous for it’s abuse of these intellectually disabled patients kept there. We also have Brenner be a ab*sive psychiatrist.
- Hopper after suffering from the loss of his daughter. Is popping pills like candy, drinking and smoking constantly. He later says he used to hallucinate and forgot what was real -seeing and hearing sarah and says if he didn’t confront the pain he’d “fall down a black hole he couldn’t get out of.” NO... subtext here about what the void represents nope.
- Both mothers (Terry & Joyce) are dismissed as being mentally ill and simply grieving the loss of their kids . But both end up being right about the supernatural.
- “Terry pretends Jane is real. i mean it’s all make believe. you know the doctors all say it’s a coping mechanism.”
- While with Joyce the whole town pre s1 already questioned her mental health. Jonathan says “She used to have anxiety problems (pre s1).” And Jonathan, Hopper, and Lonnie all assume she’s hallucinating: talking to Will via lights, seeing a man without a face, saying Will’s body is fake -due to grief. Plus Lonnie mentions the fact Joyce’s aunt Darlene also used to hallucinate as a possible reason  (terry’s aunt also had mental health issues mentioned in s2 by Becky). Lonnie even says everything Joyce is seeing  is “all in her head.”  Hopper and Jon both say she needs to sleep and accept reality and Lonnie says she needs to see a “shrink”.  Hopper “i’m not saying that you’re crazy”. Joyce : “no, you are.” Joyce also says to Lonnie “Stop looking at me like that... like everyone else like i’m out of my damn mind.” Hopper also says about Joyce she’s “on the edge”. Callahan says in response , “she’s been on the edge for a while now” (referring to her mental health- even before Will’s dissappearance)”. While Lonnie says Jonathan is “feeding into her hallucinations ... you’re going to push her right over the edge.” In s2 Hopper says “ I think everyone is on edge- you, me, Will most of all. (when talking about Will’s ptsd/trauma)” 
- in s1 They claim Will just “fell” over the edge of the quarry’s cliff. Later the only other queer coded character (Mike) jumps off the quarry cliff (where Will’s body was found) cause the homophobic troy forced him too jump. Troy even says earlier dead-Will is “flying with all the other fairies all happy and gay” (to Mike). And Troy says to Hopper El made Mike “fly” after jumping off the cliff. Friendship saved him from jumping off the edge metaphorically ( and he’ll prob eventually be happy and gay too).
s2/3
-Will is seeing a therapist . And we are told he has ptsd and will experience the anniversary effect, personality changes,nightmares, having episodes, etc. And things “will get worse before they get better”.  Mike also asks if what Will is seeing is “real or like the doctors say all in your head?” And Will continues to see hallucinations of the mf/upsidedown that only he can see initially.
-Hopper also agrees with owens mentioning how he knew guys with ptsd . joyce : “it’s not like he’s describing a nightmare. He talks about them like they’re real.” Hopper: “Yeah, because they’re not nightmares they’re flashbacks.I think he’s right about trauma.I think everyone is on edge (bringing that s1 ref back), Me you, Will, most of all.Nothing’s gonna go back to the way that it was. But it’ll get better.In time.”
-Nancy suffers from survivor’s guilt and drunkingly says she killed Barb. Jonathan says like Nancy he has “a weight that you that carry all the time . i feel it too.” (cough depression). He also says he tries to be there for Will but says about Will “he’s not the same. maybe things can’t go back to the way they were. (mirroring Hopper’s words earlier that season)”
-Jonathan said in s1 Joyce had “anxiety issues” than Nancy says in s3 “you really are your mother’s son... you worry too much.” Then we see him look worried after the comment.
- in s2, Axel & a scientist both call El and Will “schizos” because of their powers. In s3 mrs driscoll isn’t believed about the supernatural cause she’s schizophrenic-but like Joyce/Terry was right.
- Kali saves a woman named Dottie (a british slang term for crazy)  from a mental hospital and then compares herself and El to dottie. saying her non-powered gang is “Like us ...outsiders... society discarded them.”  In graphitti we even see the title “obedlam” a british poem about discarding the mentally ill and leaving them homeless.  El before this sees a mentally ill man screaming “we’re all dead!” Kali’s friend says to El, after this encounter they were “dead all of us” until kali “saved them here” (points to head) “and here” (points to heart). Pointing to the theme of love and friendship helping those with such issues. Similar to the cliff analogy.
-The cycle of ab*se. Max in s2 says she’s afraid of becoming like Billy (her ab*ser). We see Billy mimic his ab*ser neil and inflict pain on max. In s3 we see the roots of his behavior are linked to mimicking Neil- Neil in a flashback says  about baseball “what are you scared?”  “ did i raise a p*ssy for a son”. So young Billy later in a fight says to a boy “ what are you scared to fight me? fight me p*ssy. (as he beats the boy)” Deflecting his anger of his father on to someone else. In s3, We see as a kid he used to say to Neil “don’t hurt her” (his mom)-specifically after  Neil backhand slaps her -but we later see possessed Billy backhand slap Max (just like neil).  The resentment to his mother leaving - festered into how he views women and max negatively . And his attraction to mrs wheeler prob is linked to him subconsciously missing his mother. Max in s2 even says  he can’t take it out on her mother so he does so to her instead (we even have Billy hallucinate hurting mrs wheeler).We see in s2 the cycle of abuse is there- Billy mimics Neil, and then Max mimics Billy. Billy harrasses Max and yells “SAY IT!” (mimicking Neil).  Max like Billy later  yells “SAY IT” and uses a bat /violence to stand up for herself against Billy- which earlier she said she was trying to combat … explaining she can be angry like Billy sometimes but she never wants to be like him (her nickname symbolizing this: aka ‘mad max’).  Billy’s last dying words were an apology to Max- for becoming her neil. And we hopefully will see Max break this cycle.
- Will says his now memories (that he describes like dreams) are “growing “, “spreading “,and “killing”. While Kali says they need to face their father and (as Brenner) says El has to confront her “wound” or else it’ll “grow”, “spread” and “eventually it’ll kill her.” Kali says she used to be like El . She used to bottle her pain away and it “spread.” But she then says  “I confronted my pain and I finally began to heal (from those wounds).” We also see with jonathan and nancy when describing “shared trauma” zoom in onto the scars on their hands. The wound heeled into a scar so to speak.
S2 & 3 ENDINGS
both have Hopper do a speech that delves into dealing with trauma/depression but still finding good along the way.
-s2 Hopper outside the snowball: “how are you holding up? Yeah, that feeling never goes away. It is true what they say, you know. Everyday it does get easier.”
-s3 Hopper monolouge : “ Feelings jesus. For so long, i’d forgotten what those even were. I’ve been stuck in one place,in a cave you might say , a deep dark cave (cough s2 supernatural cave). For the first time in a long time, i started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. Life... yeah sometimes it’s painful .sometimes it’s sad, and sometimes it’s suprising... happy.. And when life hurts you, because it will .remember the hurt . The hurt is good. It means you’re out of that cave.”
BUT YES- St has nothing to do with mental health/trauma, we’re just “crazy” and “projecting”. It’s not like some of ya’ll  act pompous when you just have a bias and get pissy at the idea of relating to characters you “other” as “crazy” or “damaged” irl or anything (so attack people for pointing it out). Or (benefit of the doubt) you are just like.... oblivious... or just a kid who doesn’t know better XD
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auroras-blend · 4 years ago
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For My Sister
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Summary: How Patience decided to keep Marilyn
TW: Mention of infant death, abortion, anxiety, PTSD, scary religious imagery. Emotionally charged chapter.
Patience slipped into her bed that was warm and waiting, and in any other scenario would be the most comforting place in existence but not to her. The sheets were loose but they felt heavy and strangling as she was left alone with her thoughts. You’re doing the right thing. You’d be a terrible mother...you are a terrible mother. Making her appointment to terminate her pregnancy was too simple of a process for such a heavy decision.
Her Protestant values had long faded away, and listening to her heart and mind would only spell out doom and uncertainty. The illegality of the situation barely phased her, she who had given up ethics so long ago. After all, Patience Winslow wasn’t getting an abortion, but Heather Adams whose pregnancy was accidental rather than forced upon her. No one would be at that appointment with her, no one would be waiting for her this time. He’s gone.
No one but my baby. She chastised herself for calling it a baby, silent tears rolling down her freckled and weathered face. At first, she had wanted it, solely because she didn’t want to be alone but the thought of doing something so god awfully monstrous again shook her to her core. If she went through with the pregnancy, she was determined to raise the baby because there was no way in hell she could abandon the child and leave its father to find it. To have the father kill anyone who stood in his way. There were two options and in her mind, she was choosing the right one. Finding out a piece of him was still inside her repulsed her and with mild certainty that she’d be finally ridding herself of the last piece of torture, she fell asleep.
***
The once greasy cluttered walls of her Garland apartment were bare, hardly having a trace of her previous occupancy. In fact, nothing showed a sign of a person living there. No furniture, tables, beds. Nothing except a cradle standing in the middle of the room, familiarly carved by him. The coos of a baby lured Patience’s feet to the bassinet, her moving through no will of her own. She wasn't sure if she wanted to see something in there or not, unable to decide what was more terrifying.
Her green eyes traced the edges, shutting tightly and ignoring the answer to her question. “It’s not real.”
“You made sure of that,” spoke a voice.
Her eyes bolted open and by God, she wished they hadn’t. Standing where the bassinet was, was him. “Leonar-”
“You really can’t tell the difference. You could never see me as me, could you mother?” the last part being said so venomously.
That was worse. So much worse. My baby boy. He was tall like his father, looming over and casting a shadow like he had her entire life. Like he always would. And he was so much like him with the blonde curls that were darkening to resemble a color close to hers and the chiseled jaw and cheekbones that had been gifted to the Angel Don. Patience could feel her stomach roll at the similarities but nothing could prepare her for the matching blue eyes that she had seen blank as day, but now held such a raw human intensity of emotion. He’s human. And that was the worse part. “I’m so sorry,” she immediately sobbed, sinking to her knees, “Andrea, my poor baby, I’m so sorry.”
She could hear him sneer. “A little late for that, isn’t it? And are you really?”
“I am,” she cried, “I’d take it ba-back if-if I could!”
“Isn’t it awful that I don’t know whether to believe you?” he said, his voice hurt.
His voice didn’t have a trace of Italian in it. He sounds like Daddy. Why? Why is this so much worse? “Ple-please!”
“I did nothing wrong,” his voice broke.
“You didn’t.”
“I was innocent.”
“Yes you we-were,” she confirmed.
“But you still murdered me.”
He wanted her to confirm it like she had with his first two statements, but she couldn't. You have to. You owe it to him. So she whispered, “I did.”
“How is it that a monster like him loved me more than you?”
Her wails echoed throughout the room as if she were the crying child in the bassinet. After all, it seemed Andrea had long run out of tears to shed. Patience had no answer. If she were in a better state of mind, she could argue but it didn’t matter what she had to say or if it was true. That’s not what he needs to hear. “You threw me out like a piece of garbage, your own flesh, and blood. A baby! You’re a baby killer and you’re going to do it again!”
“No, no, no, no,” she denied, hoping that if she said it’d go away, “I-I can’t be a mom.”
“But you are. You still are even though you murdered me,” he hissed, “And you’re going to be again.”
“You’re going to be a mother dolcezza…”
Her eyes bolted open, her heart beating like a drum against her chest. “You-you sound so much like him,” she said bitterly.
“I’m not saying anything that isn’t true,” he scoffed, tearing his eyes away from his mother’s, “This baby, she’s your saving grace. She’s how you’ll atone for what you did to me.”
She? Andrea must’ve seen or felt how she tensed. It seemed he had a good read on her just like his father had. For Patience, Andrea being a boy that resembled his Papa made her retch in fear. A mini monster in the making, but a girl? She felt such a fierce need to protect her, to coset and cradle her. “A girl?” she whispered for confirmation.
“Yes,” he said just as quietly, “You...you cared for me before I was born. When you still thought I was a girl. Lucky her.”
There’s nothing but bad luck for this little girl. “I-I don’t want this.”
“Well I didn’t want to be tossed off a fucking bridge!” he yelled, his eyes full of rage and wetness, “But here we fucking are!”
Patience was finally able to move her feet and she most certainly did as she scrambled for the door. I have to get out of here! She reached for the handle but as she pressed her hand against it, it turned into a flat cartoon doodle as the door became an outline of its former shape. She was trapped. “No, no, no!” she pounded fiercely against the door.
It was like being in the mansion all over again. Her stomach heaved but nothing came out. Jesus help me! “Ple-please!”
Andrea’s melodious voice carried across the room. “If anything happens to her,” he started softly before unleashing a volume of terror, “IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO MY SISTER, I will ensure you burn in the hottest and most fiery pits of hell!”
Patience was screaming so loudly it drowned out the rest of what he said. When she turned back, her son was gone. The loss was not comforting, nor was what replaced it. Roaring red and orange flames reached the ceiling, chasing after her as it tried to engulf her in its heat. The smoke entered her lungs, choking her. “No! Please help,” she coughed, “Please someone help me!”
Patience shut her eyes and hid her face as she felt the large frame finally engulf her and-
***
Her body bolted awake, sending her springing up despite her swollen stomach serving as a barrier. Patience ripped off the damp sweaty covers and sent them violently to the floor as her body burned with heat. Her nightgown and underwear were next to join the linens as she stood up in the nude, trying to calm her racing heart. Patience’s face was drenched, though she couldn’t tell what part of it was sweat or tears. “I-I was in hell, oh God, I was in hell,” she panted through sobs to no one.
She fled into her shower and turned the tap to the coldest setting before standing beneath it, the water feeling blissful and comforting despite the freezing temperature until she closed her eyes and imagined her baby under the water. “Christ!” she sobbed as she stepped out as immediately as she stepped in.
Andrea, my baby. She sank to the floor and curled into herself, cradling her like her mommy was supposed to do. Like I was supposed to do for him. Patience sat wet and shivering on the tiles for, well she didn’t keep track of the time as she was too busy counting the number of lines that made up the tiles, but however long she was there was long enough for the sun to begin to rise. Finally, her hand curved around her swelling belly and rubbed it gently. Whether it was for her or her daughter she didn’t know. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, knowing that when the baby was grown and completely traumatized, she wouldn’t say it then, “I won’t be good at this. I’m sorry.”
Patience wasn’t sure where her sobs were directed or what emotion they held, but the source of them she knew for sure was her children. For the one she killed and the one she was keeping. God help me.
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chickensarentcheap · 4 years ago
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Best Part of Me - Chapter 26
WARNINGS: mentions of PTSD, panic attacks, profanity
Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​
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They haven’t spoken since they left the house; a rather brief and terse conversation about where Millie had left not only her shoes, but the noise cancellation headphones she likes to use on trips out of town. That was twenty minutes ago; halfway into their drive to Port Douglas and not one single word has been exchanged, nor even a sidelong glance. They’re both on edge; the aftereffects of the long and exhausting night before, Esme’s brief yet intense battle with a PTSD ‘flare up’, and now the raw and anxious nerves surrounding the visit with Tyler’s father.
The nightmare plays on a continuous loop in his mind; the old man’s booming voice and vicious words, his mother’s tearful begging and pleading that only cease when the beating begins, Austin’s appearance as a grown man and his refusal to lave Millie behind. It’s all there; every vision, every sound. Even the feel of his heart breaking deep within his chest and the scalding sting of tears as they rolled down his face. And the cravings linger, his brain and body desperate for those old vices. The only coping mechanism he’s ever known or practiced. It’s the familiarity of the old life that he misses; not the dirty work or the blood on his hands but the escape the job had provided him with. He’d constantly been on the go; jumping from place to place, relying only on his skills –and his confidence in them- to get him through each day. He hadn’t had time to think; too busy trying to keep himself and others alive.  Now it seems as if he has all the time in the world to think. To dwell.  And it’s slowly tearing him apart inside. He knows he should be grateful for what he’s been given; a second chance at life, a normal existence surrounded by people who love him and depend on him. And he IS. Yet at the same time, the past won't leave him alone. It had been his way of life for half of his years on earth, and both his brain and his body are struggling to let go.
Guilt. So much guilt. Over the fact he just can’t it go. That he can’t leave the past where it belongs and be content with a normal existence. He’s one of the lucky ones; he’d gotten out of the game relatively healthy and with most of his sanity still intact. He was able to find someone to have a family with; someone that not only understood the hardships and the horrors of the job, but didn’t judge him for the things he’d done or the mistakes he made or the number of broken and often dead bodies he left in his wake. Tons of mercs would give anything to be in his shoes, they’d kill –figuratively and some probably literally- to get even a taste of love and happiness and domesticity.   And yet he was taking it all for granted and practically pissing it away.
He casts a glance through the rear view mirror. Millie with her earphones on, her face intense and her eyes riveted on whatever game or movie she has playing on the tablet in her lap; her baby sister fast asleep in the car seat beside her.  She’d forgiven him quickly. He’d sat down next to her on the patio and had never said a word; giving her the time and the space to brood and to get over her temporary hate for him. And in a matter of minutes she’d been climbing up into his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck and he in turn had been apologizing profusely for hurting her.   He’d never meant to pull her hair or yell at her afterwards; explaining that he had a lot of things on his mind and they were making him angry and anxious –and even sad- and that he never should have taken them out on her. And even though she’d held his face in her hands and kissed his cheeks and said “I still love you, daddy” in that little voice of hers, he had still felt like complete and utter shit for what he’d done.  
He looks over at his wife next; sitting with her elbow resting on the window ledge, her eyes closed with her palm pressed against the side of her face and two fingertips massaging her temple. The color has returned to face; she looks healthy again, vibrant. But her shoulders remain incredibly tense and her jaw tightly clenched.  
“It’s why you have a headache,” Tyler points out, and she glances at him out of the corner of her eye. “Your jaw. Clenching it like that. It’s why you feel like shit.”
He braces for it. A smart-ass comment or just a ‘fuck off, Tyler’, but neither come. Instead she gives a shaky smile and closes her eyes once more; thumb and forefinger moving up to rub at the bridge of her nose. But he notices her jaw relaxes and her shoulders drop slightly; it’s a good sign, he figures. She hasn’t told him where to go and how to get there and she’s finally starting to relax. So he takes it one step further, dropping a hand from the steering wheel and reaching across the middle console to lay it on her thigh. Feeling his own sense of relief when she doesn’t shoot him a dirty look or yank her leg away.  
“You look really nice,” he says, giving her a soft smile and squeezing her knees as he admires her simple cotton sundress. A light orange that reminds him of the tail end of the sunrise, with a neckline that sits off her shoulders and a hem that just skims the bottom of her knees.  It’s hard sometimes; finding just the right words, even when it comes to the simplest of comments or what should be the easiest of compliments. He knows what he wants to say but doesn’t always know how to get the thought across. Usually he’ll rely on body language and facial expressions; she’s always been on expert on reading them, right from the start.  That second morning in Dhaka when she’d told him that his eyes did all the talking for him.
Her eyes open once more and this time she turns her face towards him and gives a smile of her own. Then lays her hand on top of his own and pushes her fingers through his.  
“I didn’t mean it,” he says. “What happened with Millie. I didn’t mean to pull her hair. It was an accident. My mind completely wandered and...”
“You know what’s not what upset her, right?” Esme gently interjects. “It’s not that you pulled her hair. She knew you didn’t mean to do it. It’s that you yelled at her. You hurt her feelings. You scared her.”
“I didn’t mean to do THAT either.”
“What’s going on with you? First last night, now freaking out on Millie.”
“I had a nightmare. I’ve had nightmares before.”
“I’m not talking about the nightmare. I’m talking about other things. When we were...you know...” she peeks over her shoulder, making sure that Millie isn’t paying attention. She’s fallen asleep; her head resting on the side of her booster seat, hair falling over her face and those long, dark lashes brushing against the tops of her cheeks.  “You were rough,” Esme continues. “And I’m not talking about your usual rough. The rough that I like. I mean like hard core rough. It wasn’t you, Tyler. It was...I don’t know...scary.”
He doesn’t know what to say. Or if she even wants him to say anything. At first, he’d thought it was all part of the game she likes to play; how she gets when she’s egging him on to be aggressive and manhandle her. It wasn’t uncommon for there to be pain involved; hair pulling, choking, bite marks and bruises left behind. It hadn’t even occurred to him that her resistance and her fighting back were genuine; not until she’d started to cry, and he realized that not only were the tears real, but so was the fear in her eyes. Suddenly it wasn’t a game anymore and he felt sick. That he could ever cause that kind of reaction in her when he’d spent years doing everything in his power to protect her.
“I know we joked about this morning,” she says. “But that? Last night? That was not you. That wasn’t even Dhaka Tyler. I don’t know who that was.”
He swallows heavily. There’s bile sitting square in his throat and he’s not sure he wants to vomit or cry.  “I said I was sorry.” Tt sounds lame, even to his own ears.  
“I don’t want you to say you’re sorry. I want you tell me what’s going on. And don’t say nothing. Because it’s been building and building. For days. You’re like this wire that’s being pulled too tight and you’re ready to snap. Things were fine. Things were good. So good. Is it us? Is there was the real issues? You’re not happy and you don’t want there to be an ‘us’ anymore?”
“What?” He can’t help the incredulous laugh that escapes. Of all the fucking things she’d think, that is the most ridiculous. At least in his eyes. “Baby, you know that’s not it. That it’s not us. You and I are the only thing that’s NOT going to shit right now.”
“Then what is it?” she presses. “I know you, Tyler. Better than you know yourself most of the time. I know there’s more going on than you’re telling me. What is it?”
“It’s everything,” he admits. “Every single fucking thing. It’s Ovi and it’s Nik and it’s Millie’s birthday and it’s my father and it’s...everything.”
“Then tell Nik you’re not doing it. Call her and tell her you changed your mind. That she needs to find someone to train him. Because if it’s going to tear you apart like this...”
“I can’t. I can’t back out now. I bailed on her once. I can’t do it again.”
“Fuck Nik. You did what you had to do to keep your sanity and come home to your family. You CAN back out. And you need to know if you feel you can’t do it or if it’s only going to make things worse for you. Stop being so fucking stubborn and like yourself for once. Jesus Christ. Why do you do this? Why do you not care about what you’re going through?”
“I have to do it,” Tyler insists. “It’s Ovi, I can’t let him down. No matter how pissed off I am. No matter how much I want to fucking strangle him. If I don’t help and something happens to him, I’ll never forgive myself. And that’ll be a hundred times worse than what I’m going through right now.”
“I don’t want you doing this if it’s going to break you, if it’s only going to tear you apart from the inside out. I don’t want that happening to you. Because there’s six people that you need you, Tyler. Whether you think we do or not. I do not want this destroying you.”
“I just need to get through it,” he reasons. “I just need to bust his ass and hope it either breaks him and he gives up, or that I did a good enough job to keep him alive.”
“And if you have to go in and get what? What then?”
“Then I pray I don’t fuck up and I make it home.”
“Well that’s reassuring,” she mutters, then inhales deeply and exhales slowly, grip on his hand tightening. And minutes pass before she speaks again. “Do you miss it?” she asks, her eyes focused on the road ahead. “The job. Do you miss it? I want you to be honest with me. I want you tell me the truth even if it’s going to hurt. Even if you know I’m going to hate what I hear.”
“Esme...”
“Tyler,” her tone is firm. No nonsense. “Tell me the truth. Because lying about it will only make it worse. For both of us. Do you miss it?”
“Sometimes,” he admits.
“How often is sometimes?”
Sighing, he releases the hold on her hand and scratches at the back of his head. A nervous habit. “Lately? Every day.”
“Wow...” her eyes widen, and she nods slowly. “...I was not expecting THAT.”
He’s immediately on the defensive. “You wanted me to tell you. You told me to tell you the truth. So I am. You...”
“Every day, though? Every day for how long?”
“A couple weeks. Maybe more. A month at the most.”
She blinks in disbelief. “A month? A fucking month? Addie isn’t even a month old You’re telling me that I was still pregnant with her...trying to keep her inside of me so she’d stand a chance if she was born too early...and that entire time you were missing the job? While I’m trying to keep your daughter safe and alive, you were thinking about THAT? Are you fucking kidding me right now?!”
“I don’t want to fight,” he keeps his voice and calm and even, despite the fact he feels every remaining of control being chipped away. “You told me to tell you the truth and that’s what I’m doing.”
“I mean I expected you to miss it and a hard time giving it up. But a month? You’ve been away from it for half a goddamn year. So five months you were fine and now all of a sudden...”
“It’s just because of Ovi. If he’d never come to me with that shit....”
“That was a week ago. Not a month ago. What explains the three weeks before he said anything? Are you serious right now, Tyler? What the fuck?!”
“I don’t know what more you want me to say. Do you want me to say I’m sorry? That it makes me sick that I miss it? That I fucking hate myself for even thinking about it? Is that what you want to hear? That I feel like a shit human being because of it?”
“I want you to hear you say that you don’t want to go back to it!”
“I didn’t say that’s what I wanted. I said I missed it sometimes.”
“What is there to miss? Getting stabbed? Getting shot? Getting fucked over by guys like Mahajan? Killing people?”
“No,” he scowls. “I don’t miss that. What the fuck? Is that what you think of me? That that’s who I am? That I enjoy that shit?”
“Then what the hell is it? Because it didn’t end well, Tyler. It didn’t end well in New Zealand and it sure as hell didn’t end well in Dhaka. What is there to miss?”
He struggles to keep his composure.   “Esme, I don’t want to fight. Can we do this later? Can we not wait until we get home to talk about this? Can we just get this visit out of the goddamn way before talking about anything else? I just want to get to my dad’s, stay for a bit, and then leave. Then we can talk about whatever you want.”
“A month? A fucking month?”
“Esme...stop...please...I don’t want to fight.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this before? Why didn’t...”
“I said I don’t want to fucking fight!”  He roars, and his foot slams down on the brake. Bringing the truck to an abrupt and violent halt in the middle of the backwoods country road; tires crunching on stones and gravel, sending plumes of dust and dirty swirling and dancing around them. His chest feels impossibly tight; his heart races and his lungs with every breathe he tries to draw in.  He’s dizzy, nauseous; sweat gathers across his forehead and at his temples and back of his neck. And he’s suddenly aware of how hard he’s gripping the steering wheel; knuckles turning white and cracking, wounds reopening.
*****
“Tyler...”
He’s vaguely aware of the hand on his bicep and the sound of her voice; urgent and concerned. It seems as if she’s far away; distorted and muffled, as if he’s underwater and can’t quite make out what she’s saying to him. And as the pressure in his chest builds, it becomes fight of flight. He chooses the latter; throwing the truck into park and reaching for his seat belt, fingers numb and hands trembling as he struggles with the release. Frustration sets in; profanities slipping from parched lips, hot, bitter tears streaming down his cheeks.
He feels as if he’s on auto-pilot, no longer in control of his actions. And the gravel cracks and pops under his feet as he finally escapes, fresh air feeling as if it’s scalding his already aching as he draws it in large, choking gulps. Wobbling slightly with each step he takes, hands on his hips as he repeatedly paces the length of the truck. The simple counting begins to settle him; one foot in front of the other, reciting the number of steps in his head. The same way he had almost seven years ago on the Sultana Kamal Bridge. When he’d first stepped onto its war zone and began that long and tedious journey to freedom. He’d been in agonizing pain; quickly losing blood, growing weaker with each inch, yet continuing to advance. Spurred on by what he had waiting for him once he finally made it.  
And then Saju’s dead body and the sniper and his useless right leg forcing him to drag himself to safety. A tearful Ovi at his side, begging him to get up.
Dhaka. Fuck. Fucking Dhaka. It makes the panic build again. Makes it all so seem real; like he’s right there again. Tasting his blood in his mouth and feeling that absence of strength and hope. But he hadn’t been ready to give up just yet. Because he had something...someone...to lose and was going to fight for them. And there’d been that glimmer of hope; when he’d gunned down those last two assailants and limped his way towards the finish line. But that little bastard Farhad had shot him from behind and...
Fuck Farhad. Fuck Dhaka. Fuck Amir and Gaspar.  
He forces all thought and memory of it out of his mind; closing his eyes as he leans back against the grill of the truck. Concentrating on better things...happier things. Getting married, experiencing the birth of his ‘rainbow baby’ and all the others that came after her. Reminding himself that he has people who love him. Unconditionally. That rely on him and depend on him and make him want to be a better man. He would have given up a long ago; had he NOT had them. If Esme hadn’t have been there when he woke up in the hospital nearly seven years ago.
His breathing has returned to normal and the dizziness and nausea nonexistent when he hears one of the doors open behind him. The sudden press of her shoulder against his is comforting; it grounds him. Brings him back to the here and now. She’s done this before; talked him down from many a ledge. And he has no idea why she sticks around and keeps giving him chance after chance, but he’s thankful she does.
“Hold your daughter, Tyler,” she says, as Addie lays along her arm. “Hold her and feel how real she is. Feel that she’s here. That YOU’RE here. Not wherever your brain is telling you you are.”
“I can’t. Not like this. What if I hurt her? What if I...”
“Take her,” Esme insists, and he relents, bringing that baby...HIS baby...up to his chest; one hand on the back of her head, a forearm under the bum. She’s so tiny...so light...so fragile.  So perfect and pure. And he places his nose against the side of her head; feeling her hair against his skin, taking in the soft scent that clings to her clothing and hair, feeling her warm and the beat of her heart against him.
“That’s your reason,” Esme tells him. “Your purpose. Why you have to keep fighting and not let this destroy you.”
The tears come again, a mixture of shame and guilt. That he can have so much but not even realize it or appreciate it. That he was even given these things in the first place. All the bed decisions, all the blood on his hands...
“I’m sorry.” he manages. “I am so fucking sorry.”
“For what?” Her hand is on his back, resting between his shoulders. He can’t bring himself to look at her; afraid of what he’ll see her eyes. Disgust. Disappointment. Regret. “What are you sorry for?” she asks.
“Everything. Everything fucking things. All the shit I’ve put you through. That I STILL keep putting you through. I fucking hate myself for it.”
“I know you do. And I don’t' want you to. You have no reason to hate yourself.”
“Dhaka.” He says simply.  
“Dhaka has nothing to do with this. I’ve told  you a million times that I don’t blame you for how things went. You did everything you could that day. For Ovi. For me. It was out of your control. There was nothing more you could have done. You don’t think I realize that?”
“On the bridge. You shouldn't have had to do what you did.”
“That’s not your fault either. I don’t blame you for what I had to do or what I saw. I don’t you responsible for that. And I sure as hell don’t hate you. What will it take to make you realize that? To stop all that guilt and all that blame and all that hate for yourself. What more do you need me to say? Because I’ll say it. Whatever you need to hear, I will tell you.”
“I don’t know,” Tyler admits. “I just don’t fucking know.”
“This has to stop. The way you shouldn’t try to deal with every goddamn thing on your own. Stop keeping shit inside and letting it eat you alive.”
“Why do even stay with me?” he asks. “When I’m such a fucking mess?”
“Because I love you. Because you’re my husband and my lover and my confidant and my best friend. Because you have a huge heart and you’re a good man that was forced to do terrible things.”
“But my brain...”
“Is troubled and beautiful and it’s going to be okay. You’re not only in this Tyler. Stop acting like you are. Let me help you. Let me love you. Please.”
Esme curls her arm around his waist and rests her head against his arm, and for several minutes never of them speak. And eventually the tears subside, and he takes a long, shaky breath and places his lips against the side of Addie’s head.  
“Are you okay?” she asks, and presses a series of light, feathery kisses to his shoulder.
“Yeah...I’m okay.”
“We should just go home. You can call your dad’s and tell them that something came up and reschedule. I don’t think...”
“I’m fine. I told Millie I’d do this for her.”
“You know,” Esme muses. “You’re going to have to eventually say no to her. She's going need to learn about disappointment at some point in time.”
“Not today though. Let’s just do this. For her. Okay?”
“Okay. Do you want me to drive or...”
“You are NOT driving my truck,”
She smirks. “I think you love your truck more than me some days.”
“There’s nothing I love more than you.”
She smiles at that, and he kisses her softly. “I’ve driven your truck before,” she reminds him.
“And I’ve had it every time. You know how long it takes me to reset everything? Mirrors? Seat? I get in and my knees are up by my ears.”
“I have little legs! I can’t help it. Just because you’re absurdly tall...”
“Have you ever considered I’m normal height and you’re absurdly short?”
“You’re not normal height,” she laughs.  “Not even close to it. You’re all legs and torso. And so are you kids. Well, except for this little nugget,” she smiles down at Addie. “This one is all me.”
“Poor kid.”
“Hey!” she objects and pinches his side. “That’s not nice!”
Tyler grins. “Can we still be friends?”
“Maybe. Depends how you make it up to me.”
“I’ll buy you tacos for lunch.”
“That’ll do,” she says, and stands on her tip toes to kiss him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
He nods.
“I just want you to be healthy, Tyler. That’s all I want. Because I love you and I worry about you and I don’t anything happening to you. You need to stop torturing yourself so much about Dhaka. I’ve never blamed you. Or hated you. What happened is not your fault. I need you to realize that.”
“I’ll try,” he promises. “I’ll try remembering that.”
“You saved my life. Not just there. In general. In every way a person CAN be saved. Don’t ever forget that.”
“I love you,” he says, and kisses her once more. “So much.”
“I love you too. Which is why I stay. Don’t ever ask me that again.”
“I won’t.”
She presses a kiss to his shoulder and rubs the middle of this back. “When you’re ready,” she says, and gives him a small smile before returning to the truck.
He wonders if he ever will be. Ready. If he’ll be able to truly let the past go.
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stevie-steven-stevington · 6 years ago
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Febuwhump Day 22: regret
Fandom: MCU Characters: Peter Parker, Happy Hogan Category: Gen Rating: T Warnings: none Words: 1.6k
read on ao3 
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this literally has no plot lol but i’m sleepy. also i haven’t seen the iron man series in like 2372 years so my characterization is entirely based on hoco bye
this one goes out to @parkrstark, who suggested doing something with happy and peter :)
The kid’s annoying.
It’s a fact. The kid talks too much, too fast, and it’s annoying. That’s just how it is. He wishes that was a good excuse for ignoring the calls. And the texts. And the incessant, unnecessarily long voicemails. He wishes he'd kept a closer eye on the kid because then maybe he wouldn't have missed his own Homecoming to fight his date's dad. He wishes his negligence hadn't indirectly caused a world of trauma for a high school sophomore. He can't fix it now, but he can at least try to make amends. Peter seems like a pretty forgiving kid. 
He starts out small. Proper greetings when Peter gets into the backseat of the car, asking him how school was, letting him ramble on about decathlon practice or chemistry or his friends or...whatever he's talking about. Happy's not really listening, but he hasn't put up the divider either. Progress. He can almost think of Peter's voice as background noise, if he focuses hard enough on the road. Peter doesn't seem to need much input from him, anyway, so as long as he gives a hum or a nod every once in a while, the kid's content to just talk. Happy drives and Peter talks. And it works. Peter's smiling, so that's something. Guilt still gnaws at his insides, even as Peter chatter animatedly about the new LEGO set his best friend, whose name Happy can't remember, just got. They're not close, not by a long shot, but they're okay enough.
After Germany, Peter usually calls Tony when there's a problem. Tony is mentoring him now, something Happy never thought he'd live to see - Tony Stark with a kid. Not because he didn't think Tony would be good with a kid, but because he never thought Tony would settle enough to have one. Which, technically, he still hasn't, but who is he kidding? Most of the calls he gets from Peter, now, are just patrol reports. He doesn't give them every time anymore, but Tony insists that he still gives them whenever something major or out of the ordinary happens. After Germany, Happy listens to every voicemail. No matter how long, how uninteresting, how tangential, Happy listens to all of them. Sometimes Peter actually has a cool story or a funny anecdote - the time he fought a guy in a hot dog costume who tried to steal cash from a taco stand because he was bitter that their mascot had a better suit than him sticks out. Other times, it's just Peter telling him about how he helped a kid find her dog or something in that vein. It's sort of endearing, in a way. The voicemails, as much as he hates to admit it, are nice to listen to. And it's nice to get an update, outside of the weekly lab visits, on how Peter's doing. It's nice to get semi-regular confirmation that the kid is, in fact, still alive. He brings up a story from one of the more recent voicemails one day, because Peter got cut off by his aunt in the middle of his retelling, and Happy's kind of curious as to what came next. "Hey, what happened with that guy you were following the other day? The one you thought was stalking that girl." Peter stops in the middle of his sentence. There's a level of surprise on his face that Happy doesn't like. "I - what?" Glancing between the road and Peter in the rearview mirror, Happy says, "From the voicemail. Last...Tuesday, I think? Something like that." Peter's mouth opens and closes like a fish for a solid twenty seconds. Happy's starting to wonder if he said something wrong when Peter practically chokes out, "You - you listen to the voicemails?" It's a fair question. Happy hates that it is, but it's fair. He's not shocked that Peter still assumes he doesn't listen to the patrol reports, because he didn't before and letting the kid ramble in the car isn't going to change Peter's whole perception of him. He didn't do it right the first time, but he'll get it the second time around. He's not going to let the kid down again. "Yeah, I listen to them," he says, gruffly. Peter nods slowly in the backseat, eyes wide. There's way too much awkwardness going on here. "So are you gonna finish the story?" "O-oh, yeah, sure. So it turns out he was stalking her..."
It's not until Peter steps into the car with possibly the saddest look Happy has ever seen on anyone other than Tony or Rhodey that their relationship really clicks. Peter slides into the backseat, unceremoniously dropping his backpack at his feet, and promptly leans his head against the window and closes his eyes without so much as a hello. Wrong. There's so much wrong here and he haven't even started driving yet. "The hell happened to you?" Happy asks, realizes belatedly that maybe he should've waited for Peter to speak up. Or just let him talk to Tony instead, since they're actually close. Or at least been a little more gentle about asking. Too late now. Bleary eyes drag over to him. The kid picks at a loose thread on his jeans and mumbles, "Nothing. M'fine." "And I'm Iron Man." He gets no reaction. Jesus. "Kid. Did someone say something to you? Or is this like - like a PTSD thing or -" "What do you care?" There's no real bite to it. Just tired resignation. It might be worse. Peter's not even angry about it - Happy wonder, sometimes, if anger is even in Peter's vocabulary - he's just accepted that Happy doesn't like him and never will. God, he's an asshole. He doesn't not like the kid. He's never really not liked the kid. Peter's annoying, yes, and likely will never stop being annoying, but it's in the same way that a younger brother is annoying. Like whenever he speaks, Happy wants him to shut up, but when he actually does, it feels like something's missing. He didn't get that part, before, because Peter never actually did seem to shut up, but he gets it now. And he does care. He never wanted to, but the kid's grown on him. Apparently, he's good at that. "Peter - look, I'm sorry for not answering your calls," he says, and he really is. "I'm sorry I didn't take you seriously. I know I've been a dick, but I'm...trying to make up for it, okay? So if you don't want to tell but, then fine, whatever, but you - you can, if you want." He's met with silence. Okay. He deserves this. Happy puts the car in drive and pulls out of the school parking lot. Regret stirs in his stomach once again.
They're halfway through the drive when Peter says, "There's this guy at school." He leaves it hanging there, still staring out the window as the city flies by outside. Happy's not quite sure if guy at school means a bully or a crush, but the way Peter says it has him leaning toward bully. "Uh huh?" Happy prompts, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. He's always hated having people stare at him when he's upset. Peter doesn't speak for another two minutes. Happy's starting to think he's not going to when he slows to a stop at a red light and Peter pulls away from the window. "He's an asshole. He - he calls me Penis Parker and says I'm not smart enough to be on the decathlon team and acts like I ran over his dog just because I'm a starter and he's not." Does starter mean the same thing on decathlon as it does in sports? Probably. Happy doesn't really think the specifics are that important here anyway. Now that he's thinking about it, he's pretty sure Tony mentioned something about Peter having a bully once or twice before. "I can talk to him if you want. Man-to-man." "No. Christ, why do you and Mr. Stark both jump to scaring the shit out of a high schooler?" "Because we both know you won't." Peter scoffs, somewhere between indignant and exasperated. "That's not even - it's not even that big of a deal. He's a jerk, yeah, but it's not a big thing." "The look on your face when you got in the car said otherwise," Happy says, before he can think better of it. He doesn't want to push too hard and make Peter shut down, but again, it's a little too late. Thankfully, Peter just sighs, fingers running through his hair. "I - it was just something he said earlier. I was already a little on edge today, and he...went a little too far. But I'm okay, Happy, really. You don't have to - I mean, I know you have better things to do than worry about me anyway, but -" "I do worry about you. You have no regard for your own well-being, it's terrifying." "I -" "You're like another Tony, except Tony's a grown ass adult and you're like - fun-sized." "I am not -" "You're tiny and have no sense of self-preservation, of course I worry about you." "I didn't get in this car so you could insult me," Peter says, but he's smiling. There's still a sad tinge to his eyes, but he's smiling. "I'm not insulting you, only stating facts." "Lies. Lies and slander." Happy laughs. "Sure, kid. Whatever you say." The guilt doesn't lessen. But he thinks they're on the road to recovery.
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scribeofmorpheus · 5 years ago
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As Fate Would Have It (Part 16)
Paring: WinterSoldier!Bucky x Spy!Reader
Catch Up here | Masterlist
Words: 4.1k | Note: Reader’s alias is Elle/Helen
A/N: It is with great pleasure that I can finally, finally, say that this chapter was actually the first ever chapter I wrote for this series (before it was even a series tbh). All the previous chapters were meant to be simple, world-building prequels that spiralled out of control! lol. Writing just turns out like that sometimes.
Warnings: Violence, themes of PTSD, brainwashing, mentions of sex, terribly written action scenes and annngggst?
Note: I chose to call Bucky’s POV the 'Winter Soldier' because I firmly believe that at this point they are two separate people.
Songs: White Rabbit | The Winter Soldier | Siberian Overture
Feel free to ask to be tagged, leave a like, reblog or comment ♥
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~Brooklyn~
You looked out the window overlooking a garden filled with yellow roses while a cup of tea cooled between your palms. Your reflection looking back at you with a blank expression, your hair still as white as snow. The steam reaching up to tickle your nose with the notes of chamomile and peppermint.
"How're the kids?" You asked the woman sat next to you. Her face framed by glasses that looked alien against her heart-shaped face. Grey hairs growing in number at a more frequent pace.
"Jack's finally got a job," she sounded thankful. "And Ellie just transfered to Brown."
You smiled warmly, "I told you he'd land on his feet."
"About god damn time, that kid nearly drove me up the wall."
You tutted, "Remember what the doctor said about minding that temper, it's not good for your blood pressure Sal."
"Keepin' my blood pressure in check is Hal's job," she said with a little sass as her thumb rubbed against her wedding ring. "You going somewhere?"
"Why'd you ask?"
"You only come over before you disappear for a while."
You chuckled, "Paris. Got a new job. Protective detail."
Sally looked out the window wistfully, her age showing clear as day, "Hal always promised we'd go to Paris for our honeymoon."
You turned to your old friend and nudged her with your elbow, "If you promise to keep your blood pressure in check, I'll take you someday."
"Someday for you isn't the same for me," Sally noted, looking at your reflection thoughtfully. "Hard to believe we were once the same age."
You stood from the chair and put on your bomber jacket, "We still are."
Sally took your cup to the sink, "Yes, you just discovered the secret to eternal youth. Good thing Annie isn't with us no more, or else she'd lock you in her basement till you told her your secret, god rest her soul."
You laughed half-heartedly. You placed a kiss on her temple before grabbing your motorcycle keys, "Try not to be too hard on Jack while I'm gone. Oh, and… uh, give Hal my best!"
"Will do, hun! Oh and Y/N!" She walked over to you and handed you a folded piece of photo paper. "I got Ellie to help me figure out how to use one of them copiers. It's a little darker than the original but..."
You looked down at the last photo you'd ever taken. Early 1942; you, Sally, Hal, Bucky, Steve and Annie stood under a going away banner that read:‘Good Luck At Your New Job!!’
"Two exclamation marks..." you mused lightly.
You left Sally's house and slid your helmet over your head.
***
The cryo-chamber unhooked with a metallic hiss, frost smoking out like fog as the cylindrical containment was lifted up. The hydraulics of the levers arm let out a groan of air. Yellow light bathing the room.
"Ghaaaaahh!" The Winter Soldier screamed in agony as the machine fastened over his right eye flashed blinding streaks of white light into his corneas.
"Zhelaniye," a man dressed in a decorated military uniform read out from a red leather-bound book -most likely a Major.
Longing
The screams persisted as a few more flashes of white light flickered.
"Rzhavyy."
Rusted
The screaming stopped.
"Semnadtsat’."
Seventeen
The machine gave off an electrical whizz as it dismantled away from the metal armed soldier's face. His breathing was raged, animalistic. His jaw still shut tight from the aftershocks of pain but it was his eyes that unsettled the most, seething with unbridled rage.
The Major continued reading out the words with no care for the soldier's disposition, "Rassvet. Pech’. Devyat. Dobroserdechnyy. Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu. Odin. Gruzovoy vagon."
Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight car.
The soldier in the chair had steadied his breathing now. Each breath calm, composed, sinister.
"Dobroye utro, Soldat." The Major said monotonously, slamming the red book shut.
Good morning, Soldier.
The soldier kept his eyes glued to something infinitesimal in front of him with almost inhuman stillness, "Ya gotov otvechat’." His voice was as rough as gravel.
Ready to comply
The Major walked over to a table and retrieved a file and opened it to the middle part. He placed the docket in front of the Winter Soldier, the file making a slapping noise with the table.
There were two photographs fastened to the docket with paper clips. The larger of the two photographs, and coincidentally of better quality, was of a rounding man with a thinning hairline and thick moustache. The smaller photo wasn't in colour or of a high resolution, the only features that could be made out were that it was an image of a woman wearing a trench coat almost as white as her hair, large glasses obscuring half her face.
"Your target is this man. He's a French politician."
The Winter Soldier stood, his metal finger tapping heavily on the photograph. "Understood."
"Soldat. Take extra precaution. He's hired extra security. Someone we've had trouble within the past. She has made quite a name for herself due to her illusive nature. No one knows where she came from, who trained her or her real name. The intelligence community has taken to calling her the White Rabbit."
The soldier flinched, his brain scrambling for a moment as a woman’s voice he didn't recognise spoke out as clear as day: "The little rabbit?"
Internally, a high pitched noise generated a distorted image of blood-stained lips opening into an unnerving smile. Dead eyes staring up at the sky.
His head jerked to the side in a ridged motion before it snapped back in place, strands of long raven hair sticking to the sweat on his face. The noise fizzled out of his brain as though it never existed. He looked up to his superior officer and shrugged off the incident that just occurred, "Understood."
~Paris, France~
You followed your client into the VIP lounge area of a prestigious club. As soon as you walked through the bead roped entranced, a ring of smoke diffused around your face, a trail of white smoke leading back to a patron sitting on a couch blowing out expertly crafted smoke rings from a hookah pipe. The smell of clover and something more primal, sexual, stuck to the walls of the secret member’s only club. Amidst all the fancy dressed men and women, you stood out with your all-black tactical gear.
Your client walked past several seedy rooms until he reached the final room at the end of the hallway. You stepped in front of him and opened the door. After canvassing the area you gave him the all-clear. Several minutes later his associates arrived and they all sat around in a circle of expensive tastes, finely tailored suits and beefy cigars that reminded you of Colonel Phillips.
It was strange how your memory of your encounter with him brought you comfort, but these days comfort was near impossible for you to find, so you took it where you found it.
You stood as still and balanced as a marble statue, your gloved hands held behind your back in a stiff posture. On occasion, you and other bodyguards would do a sweep of the room.
"Jesus, doesn't she freak you the fuck out?" One of the smartly dressed men asked in fluent French. A language you were well versed in. "She's like a fucking statue. I haven't seen her move once. Except for those dead eyes of hers."
Your employer glanced at you with a large cigar between his crooked teeth, "Sometimes, sure. But I've noticed how intimidating she makes me look when I'm in a room filled with assholes almost as lecherous as you!"
The men laughed- so did some of their protection detail.
"Besides, once you get passed the whole ghost look, she's actually not so bad to look at," your employer grumbled suggestively with a sick grin on his face.
Your eyes snapped to him and he choked on some of his spit, washing it down with a glass of port. You looked back to the windows as you canvassed the area again. A breeze blew the lace curtains softly, making you think of the lace curtains that had drawn patterns across Bucky’s face with the sunlight in his apartment.
You bit down, hard, as you forced yourself to focus on hand. A ray of red-light was reflected by a well-polished, silver, decor piece. The ray transformed into a dot and instinctively you reached across the room and pulled the back of your employer's chair to the ground.
The soft whistle of a silencer pierced through glass, grazing the side of your arm. You snarled at the contact.
The room was silent for a second and then a second bullet pierced through the glass window, this time forcing it to shatter.
"Get down!" You ordered as several security personnel moved to shield their employers and transport them away from the room.
You kicked the oak tabled to the side and took cover behind it. "Get them to the safe room downstairs!" You ordered the rest of the personnel.
"What about you?" One of the bodyguards asked.
"I'll lay down cover fire. Get them out of here." You said calmly as you upholstered your 9mm handgun and fired based off the trajectory of the bullets holes lodged in the wall.
Several of your bullets ricochet off something metallic from the sniper's nest on the adjacent roof. The impact forming sparks in the night air.
The room became a burial site for sniper slugs as they littered the walls and sofas and decorations. The metallic pinging sound reminding you to stay hunkered low until your enemies clip ran out.
You reloaded your gun and fired off cover shots as you moved away from the window. On the ground was a single casing. You recognised the make. Soviet slug, no rifling. The memory of the ambush in the mountains skittered across your synapses before you were brought back to the present by another shot tearing through the weak walls.
Suddenly, the shooting stopped. You rose from behind cover and tried to gain a visual of the target with a piece of broken mirror. From this angle, you saw the silhouette of what you assumed to be the rifleman run and then jump. The sound of glass shattering from the window a floor below alerting you to the fact he was now in the building.
A small object hit the floor in the room around the same time, you looked over and realised he had thrown a grenade into the room.
"Fuck..." you swore in a panic, holstering your gun before you lassoed the hooked end of your utility rope around a column and dove out the window. The explosion from the grenade sent off hundreds of pieces of shrapnel flying through the air. You managed to outrun the brunt of the impact, but some slugs embedded themselves in your back and thigh. You gasped from the pain.
Swinging in the air, you propelled your body towards the window the assailant had jumped through and unclipped the rope from your belt once you dove through the window.
You ran after the sounds of a heavy man’s boots sprinting down the series of open rooms. You were faster and more agile so you caught up to him faster than most would've been able too. As soon as you got close enough to the man, you sprinted closer and slid your legs under his in an effort to topple him.
He anticipated your moves with inhuman speed. As soon as your leg knocked his off-balance, he used his metal arm to balance his upheaved weight around and down so he was facing you as soon as his body stopped moving through the air. His fingers leaving a trail of claw-like scratches on the floor.
You quickly upholstered your weapon while your back was on the ground and fired off several shots. The assassin deflected them all with his opened metal palm.
You hissed in annoyance then backflipped twice to gain some distance between you and him before you fired more shots. This time he bobbed and weaved, avoiding most of your bullets save for the one that scrapped alongside his protective eyewear, grazing the skin above his eyebrow in an angled slant.
The assassin charged at you with all his strength. You pulled the trigger but the clip was empty. You tossed your gun and timed his charge so you could sling over and around him, wrapping your legs around his midrib as you furiously hammered the business end of your elbow into the concave of his shoulder blade.
One, two, three, you landed bone-crunching hits into his collar and shoulder blade but it didn't slow him down for a second. He reached over and around, grabbed the back of your tactical vest and flung you over and away from him.
Your body slumped into the wall with intense velocity, popping your shoulder out of its socket and leaving an indent in the drywall. You coughed out blood, then shook the ringing from your ears and stood to face him. Gripping your dislocated arm, you tugged on it hard, snapping it in place with a painful grunt.
"Okay, comrade. You want to play dirty, let’s play dirty!" You rotated your wrists clockwise, activating the current switch embedded inside you gloves. They thrummed with an electric current pulsating through them as you unclipped the metal batons from your back. Electric crackles of electricity sparking down the length of you metal fight sticks. "Let's see how well you handle current!"
The assassin stalked over in large strides, upholstering his knife from the side of his leg. He gripped it with the precision of an expert. Come to think of it, a lot of his tactics were similar to those you were taught in the Red Room.
He forward slashed and backslashed in quick succession of the other. You pirouetted away on your light feet and spun around him, bringing your electrified batons crashing down on his metal arm. The electricity conducted lethally from your gloves to his body, making him let out a shrill howl.
The sound of his cries sounded familiar. Darkened but familiar.
You faltered for a split second and that was all the time he needed to spin around and kick you against the wall.
You heard your rib crack as one baton fell to the ground. Relentlessly, he traded one blow after the other with his metal arm aimed at your head. You ducked and leaned away from each attack, but the wall now had four fist-sized punctures in them.
For his final move, he spin-kicked you in the stomach one more time and the wall integrity gave in. You fell through the crumbling wall and landed against a mound of white, dusty drywall.
The assassin hovered over you, knife in hand. Your mouth was filled with the taste of blood and your organs screamed in agony. You tried to crawl towards your batons a few inches in front of you.
You dragged your body at a snail’s pace, the assassin simply followed after you in languid steps. When your hand wrapped around the baton, his boot pressed down on your gloved hand, preventing you from lifting it and cracking the electric conductor that generated the current in your gloves.
He turned you over so your back was to the floor and your eyes stared at his black mask. He slipped his knife between your ribs and you let out a soft gasp for air.
"Hhhnngggg!" You bit down to keep from screaming, your mind beginning to fracture as you hallucinated pink petals raining down around you.
You gripped his hand and tried to push it away. A sliver of electricity passed through you both. Your eyes shot open from surprise. For a second, you thought you were back in your old apartment, hands laced together with Bucky while you sat on your couch. Then the bone serrating sound of the knife leaving your chest snapped you back to the present.
With what remnants of a stable mind you had left, you urged the muscles in your hand to work as you reached into a pouch pocket and pulled out a syringe of adrenaline. You took several controlled breaths and then plunged it into your heart, a scream rippling out of your lungs as you pushed down on the plunger.
***
The Winter Soldier stood, backing away from his defeated foe, wiping his knife on the sleeve of his shirt as he made his way towards his real objective. Then he heard her gasp raggedly and his mind instantly pictured her wearing a pink waitress uniform, notepad in hand, offering a handkerchief to a scrawny man seated across him.
He braced both sides of his head as this intrusive image seared like hot coals across his thoughts. The pain was so intense he was brought down to one knee in a loud thud. A scream filled the room and he willed the pain to stop as he turned to look at the woman he left dying on the floor, except she wasn't dying anymore.
In amazement and curiosity, he watched as she picked herself off the floor. Every scrape, cut and wound beginning to heal, as she came after him. She danced around him faster than before, the adrenaline making her a nimble opponent, too slippery for him to get his hands around. She punched, kicked and elbowed with combo after combo in a dizzying flurry.
The Winter Soldier was slowly backed towards a tall window. She kicked him three times square in the chest, face and shoulder, sending his back forcefully into the window glass, causing it to sound out a cracking sound the instant his face guard got knocked off.
When he thought she was about to finish her attacks and kick him out the eight-story building, she froze. Eyes opened wider than ever, eyeballs skittering across every inch of his face in search of something, her lips and fingers quivering subtly. It was then he saw her fists no longer clenched defensively.
"That's impossi--" Her words no louder than a pin-drop.
The Winter Soldier's metal arm reached out and grabbed onto her arm, using his tremendous strength to fling her into the adjacent wall. Their faces mere inches apart. Hers contorted by pain and confusion. She stared into his steel-blue eyes, causing a shiver to run down his spine. Her petite fingers wrapped around his hand -still connected to her throat- but she didn't fight him.
Anger filled his senses as he couldn't make sense of all the images and colours and flashes that were evoked by her touch. The skull-cracking headache placing unbearable pressure on his cranium. He tried to blink the pain away, and for all his agonising efforts, it only grew deeper. The Winter Soldier struggled to keep his grip fixed on her throat.
***
Bucky's metal fingers felt so cold against your skin, almost as cold as his eyes. It hurt you how devoid of emotion they were when he stared at you with menacing rage. Nevertheless, you kept searching for a glimpse of the man you once knew. The man you once loved. And if the swell of emotions tangling against your heart was any indication, you were certain you were still in love with him.
Your fingers slid along the length of his arm as he turned his gaze away from you as though you burned him. His brows close together and eyes crinkling in pain.
You were a half-inch away from touching a strand of his outgrown hair when his head snapped back to yours with a newfound determination, and then he began to squeeze his grip.
He effortlessly raised your body off the ground, feet dangling as blood rushed to your brain. Your fingers began to claw and dig against his iron-clad grip, fighting to open up your airways.
***
The woman struggled against his tightened grip, back of her feet kicking against the wall as she failed to gasp for breath. She made him feel uncertain. The touch of her skin, even against his metal arm, felt hauntingly familiar. Almost as though they had this before, be close to one another, touch one another. Another image attacked his thoughts, this time she was seated beside him high atop the world, watching an extravaganza of fireworks.
“What… Is she doing to me?” His thoughts screamed in disarray.
Whatever powers she had over him mattered not because no matter how many images shed conjure to bombard his senses, and no matter how conflicting his feelings became, she was keeping him from his target. And the Winter Soldier never fails.
"Bucky..." She whimpered.
His hand began to shake as another memory was awoken:
“Bucky,” she whispered before bridging the gap between the two them. Rumblings of a crowd begin to cheer and whistle. Her giggling into the kiss. Fireworks going off in the distance, bathing her skin in its artificial rainbow of colours.
The Winter Soldier shook his head furiously, blinking away the image. He looked back up at the woman locked within his death grip, her face turning red.
A single tear ran down her cheek and plopped onto his metal arm. She looked at him without fear or bitterness.
"Buck," she failed to let out the whole word through cracking vocals.
Another flash bombarded his senses:
“I’ve missed you, Buck,” she admitted. He placed one hand around her cheek, the other around the small of your back holding her gaze. His lips met hers in a passionate embrace, she leaned into his touch as a moan escaped her lips. He guided her body towards a wall, pinning her there while one hand moved achingly slowly from her waist to her thigh. His grip greedy and rough causing her to quiver.
The flash disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.
The woman saw this as an opening as sucked in as much air as her constricted airways were allowed.
"Buchanan!" She shouted with all the strength she had left, eyes glaring at him with fire.
This time the flash was stronger:
"Buchanan!" She mewled as she climaxed atop him. Her swollen lips placing sloppy kisses on his. The muscles of her core contracting around him, edging him closer to his own release. He gripped her hips higher, she moaned pleasantly in response. He thrust deeper, trying to become one with her, and then he climaxed inside her, filling her completely. She fell against his chest like a rag doll, her fingers drawing circles where his heart should be. Then he uttered: "God… I never want to be apart from you."  
***
Bucky, or whatever it was he had become now, instantly released his fingers from your neck, leaving behind deep bruised marks. You sucked in air like some famished animal, your hand gripping at your shirt collar.
You scampered for purchase on the wall as your balance was still uneven. Slowly, you brought your eyes to meet Bucky's and this time you felt relief.
He was on his knees, a lost expression taking over as tears slid down his face. He was looking up at you, hands shaking furiously. The veins on his temple swollen and exposed. This wasn't the face of the stranger who just tried to kill you. This was the face of a man torn in two.
Hope flickered to life inside you. Your eyebrows drawing upwards in solace. A dark chuckle sputtering in your throat.
Of course, this was how fate decreed you meet again. Any other way would've been too easy.
Through the silence, you picked up the soft sound of the elevator nearby ding each time it went up a floor. There was you back up.
"H-Helen?" He finally found the strength to speak in a voice darker than the one you knew.
You hadn't expected him to call you by that name. You knew your focus should have been on the miracle Bucky was alive and seemingly hadn't aged, or the fact he remembered you, but instead, your thoughts returned to that damned day in the mountains. To the sound of bullets cutting through bodies, explosions scattering shrapnel into your body.
Your mind retreated further into itself, returning to that chair in the torture cell and all the times you'd been showered with shock after shock after shock.
You knelt down and picked up a piece of piping that had been loosened during the fight. Your eyes closing shut for a moment as you took shallow breaths.
The pain, starvation and hate you endured while being held prisoner at the expense of Yelena's betrayal turned into a whirlpool of rage, dragging you to the bottom of a dark pit inside you.
When you opened your eyes, white-hot fury burned through your irises. You snapped like steam building in a pressure cooker and before you could stop yourself, you swung the piece of piping at Bucky's head, knocking him onto the ground. He was out cold.
The elevator dinged again. They were getting closer.
"I always hated that name," you dropped the pipping and ran your hand through your damp hair. You tried to strategize how to get out of this new predicament. "Now, what the fuck am I going to do with you?"
~Part 17 Coming Soon
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morelifeangel · 5 years ago
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On the (In Universe) Legacy of the Animophs
So I have a Lot of Thoughts about the ending of the Animorphs series.  Uh...spoilers, I guess?  Seems a little silly to put a spoiler warning for a nearly 20 year old book, but hey, just in case.
My overall thoughts are that it’s actually a damn good ending.  If you haven’t ever read K. A. Applegate’s letter to fans, you should, but to excerpt the most relevant part:
Animorphs was always a war story. Wars don't end happily. Not ever. Often relationships that were central during war, dissolve during peace. Some people who were brave and fearless in war are unable to handle peace, feel disconnected and confused. Other times people in war make the move to peace very easily. Always people die in wars. And always people are left shattered by the loss of loved ones.
[...] So, you don't like the way our little fictional war came out? You don't like Rachel dead and Tobias shattered and Jake guilt-ridden? You don't like that one war simply led to another? Fine. Pretty soon you'll all be of voting age, and of draft age. So when someone proposes a war, remember that even the most necessary wars, even the rare wars where the lines of good and evil are clear and clean, end with a lot of people dead, a lot of people crippled, and a lot of orphans, widows and grieving parents.
Source: http://www.hiracdelest.com/database/articles/kaa_response-full.htm
Her letter is eerily prescient, given that the United States invaded Afghanistan less than a year after the final book was published.
But this isn’t about that.
This is about my meta theories about how a fictional United States would deal with the legacy of the Animorphs.
Let’s start with Jake.
Jake ends the series with both depression and PTSD.  The rest of his team think they can fix it by having him morph a dolphin, but it’s textually pretty clear that isn’t any more than a bandaid solution.
He goes to work for the US government after a couple of years (probably of being nearly incapacitated by depression, considering that it’s mentioned that he never finishes high school and he took the job because he needed something to do), but he jumps at the opportunity to do one last mission--probably to feel normal again.  (Something which Marco even points out.)
The thing with Jake is that Jake is much more useful as an idea than as a real person.  Marco comments:
“So, anyway, everyone acted like they wanted Jake to do their show, but Jake wasn't really into that game and the bookers for the shows knew it. Jake did not do good panel. He wouldn't sit there and trade jokes with Dave. There was too much he didn't want to talk about. Jake was still carrying the world on his shoulders, and it showed.” -The Beginning, 64-64
In principle, Jake fits neatly into the American narrative of heroism--the man in command, making the hard decisions, working with a small elite team against incredible odds.  The idea of Jake fits neatly into recruitment posters and propaganda.
But there’s this little problem of the fact that the real Jake fits much less neatly into that hole.
Americans have a...complex relationship with veterans, even setting aside a number of race and class factors which add many more layers of meaning.  Americans idealize the armed forces, and the military tends to be portrayed positively in most blockbuster films (not least because most blockbusters receive financial support from the Department of Defense).  It is common for any politician who suggests scaling back the current war to be attacked for being ‘unpatriotic’ or for ‘not supporting our troops’.
However, in many ways, Americans like the idea of the veteran much more than the reality.
Estimates range widely, but many studies estimate that at least 10% of all people experiencing homelessness are veterans.  Among veterans who are experiencing homelessness, a high percentage are also affected by mental illness or substance abuse.  Stigma and the high cost of health care significantly contribute to this.
Some veterans become disabled as a result of their military service, and in general, the United States provides wildly insufficient disability benefits.  I do not know of any area where disability benefits and VA benefits will bring in enough money let you spend less than 40% of your income on rent/mortgage, if you’re living alone.
In recent years, PTSD has appeared somewhat more frequently in the media, but in general it’s...well, it’s not been represented very well.  If the protagonist has PTSD, they will almost certainly overcome it by the end of the movie/show/whatever, often by finding a new relationship/solving a crime/etc.  This leads to PTSD often being shown as something that can be cured relatively easily, instead of a long-term medical condition that may need to be managed for the rest of a person’s life.
To bring this full circle, then, Americans like the idea of the soldier, but often refuse to acknowledge or deal with the realities of people who have actually been soldiers.
Jake, then, presents something of a problem.  Jake as a symbol is powerful--a force to be reckoned with.  People would see him as the natural representative of the Animorphs, both because he was their leader, and, frankly, because he’s white and male.
But Jake as a person is--pretty obviously messed up.  He’s not interested in power or fame, he doesn’t want money.  I’m strongly suspicious that if he hadn’t been provided with housing and income by the government, he would have been at a high risk of falling into homelessness himself.  So he becomes more like Jesus--useful as a symbol, but very few politicians would want him showing up in person to give his opinion.
As a side-effect of this, his popularity would probably only grow after he died in their final action, at least once people were reasonably sure he wasn’t coming back,and there was no risk of him contradicting him.  I would suggest that people wildly misquoting him, or trying to show that they were aligned with his interests in some way would be popular for years to come.  In fact, many of his former students may be able to make profitable political careers off that very fact.
In contrast, I think that his PTSD and depression will be substantially downplayed, at least for the first 30-50 years.  I imagine his portrayal in the canonical Spielberg movie will have more in common with Indiana Jones than with...well, to be honest, I can’t even think of any decent examples in film (although I’m sure there are indie films that do a reasonable job).
As a knock-off effect of this, I suspect that America would become especially militarily aggressive in the aftermath of the Animorphs’ books, even if 9/11 doesn’t happen in this world.  (If people are interested, I may talk about my thoughts about how the events of the Animorphs books might effect the geopolitical situation in a later entry.)
So, what do you think?  Do you think I’m right on with how Jake might be perceived in the aftermath of the events in the books?  If you’re from another country, how do you think it might play out in yours?  Reblog and add your own opinions.
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wroughtbetwixtfanfic · 5 years ago
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Love, Blood, And Rhetoric, Ch 1.
Fandom: The Society.
Summary: Campbell's just trying to survive in the new world. He knows he can make it-- it's everyone else he's worried about.
Rating: Mature.
Tags: Canon Divergence, Mental Health Issues, Family Issues, Substance Abuse, Complicated Relationships, Consent Issues, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Mild Sexual Content, assuming Elle and Campbell are both 18 for the sake of things, Underage Drinking, PTSD, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, implied eating disorder, Fix-It, Campbell has mild ASPD, and is actively trying to not be awful
Word Count: 6061
Part One, Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || AO3
Disclaimer: This is part two of a three part series. Reading part one is more-or-less essential.
This is a canon divergent storyline for Campbell, using (in my experience) a realistic take on conduct disorder and ASPD instead of Hollywood "psychopath" stereotypes. While people with conduct disorder can be violent and abusive, the diagnosis does exist on a spectrum, and neither ASPD nor "psychopathy" should be diagnosed before the age of 18; this is one thing that rubbed me the wrong way on The Society. Campbell's power will be more in his ability to manipulate-- not "being crazy". Hopefully I can succeed in presenting a more understandable and less sensationalized vision of his behavior. Please note that I have no intention of making him a violent abuser, to bring his character more in line with my experiences of how an emotionally neglected teen with moderately reduced empathy would behave, provided they were actively attempting to help themselves.
Tl;dr I just wanted to make Campbell less needlessly shitty, because it makes me feel better as a person, and because I wanted one (1) antagonist who isn't just an evil, horrible abuser with a scary mental illness.
Thank you for reading, and leaving kudos/comments/likes. <3 
///
The bridge was quiet as a graveyard. It was something out of a science fiction movie, wasn't it? Alice in Wonderland type shit. Something happens, and suddenly the world goes inside out, with people transported to some other dimension. No one had said a damn word, but it was the only explanation that made any sense at all. It looked like home, but it wasn't home. Everything felt a few degrees to the side. Just a tiny bit abnormal. Forests that sprouted up around them overnight. Everyone else in the city, gone. The smell, gone. Gordie was the first to break the silence. "I mean, there's only so many options."
"Maybe we're dreaming," Allie offered. "It's the best option." Campbell rolled his eyes, but held his tongue for Cassandra's sake. They would all have to be dreaming the exact same dream at the same time, and that seemed far less likely than some sort of weird wormhole situation. Harry was sitting on his car hood, with Helena and Luke next to him. He ran his hands through his hair; he was still half drunk, and had no business being there, but there he was and he was freaking out. "Maybe this is just some elaborate fucking game. Like, someone built an exact replica of our town and just put it in the middle of nowhere, and if we just walk..." He paused, waving his hands towards the trees. "Like, this way or that way or any way, eventually we'll get back to the real world." Christ, that was an even worse theory. Campbell sighed. "An exact replica of the town," he pressed, "complete with all our family's cars? Our clothes? Our bathroom towels, posters, jewelry, stuffed animals, the food in our fridges?" "I'm not saying it makes any sense." Crossing her arms, Cassandra leaned against the bridge and frowned. She had that debate team look in her eyes. The look that said she was trying to dissect the situation in her mind. "There was a smell, and then it went away. It came back, and the buses came for us." Harry scoffed. "You're gonna just work this out, Cassandra? Like some logic problem? I mean, not a flicker of a doubt?" "The world doesn't just turn upside down without a reason. We're not in some play-within-a-play. Okay? Clever is not the same thing as true. There is a point to everything, there are answers." "That's right," Helena chimed in. "God doesn't just play games with people for fun." Cassandra clenched her jaw as she looked to Helena, then to Campbell. They had both stopped going to church a long time ago, and Cassandra had been the one to get religious-specific plays banned from school performances. Campbell didn't really believe or disbelieve anything, but he knew Cassandra and Helena had gotten into argument before about all sorts of things. LGBT rights, abortion, gun control... He could see that anger stirring up in Cassandra. It wouldn't be pretty if it got loose. Luckily, Luke seemed to sense the tension and butted in. "All right, look, Grizz and I will get a group together and we'll go hike out here through the woods, okay? Like a search party." Helena nodded. "I think that's a good idea." "Do you think it's safe?" Cassandra asked, frowning. "Yeah," Grizz replied, "sure." Luke tried to smile. "Grizz knows what he's doing. And if there's people out there, we gotta find them, right? You know. To get help." "I'm leaving." Harry got up off the car and headed towards the driver's door. His eyes were glassy, distant. It wouldn't be long before he imploded. "I'm hungry." Allie stood up, glaring. "You're leaving?" Campbell watched the bickering that followed, wondering when-- if at all-- they were going to ask his opinion. But he knew they wouldn't. They never did. If they would have shut the fuck up long enough to bother, Campbell would have told them that the horizon looked a little too clean for a West Ham summer. Too clear. He would have pointed out that there were no planes, no trails even, in the sky overhead. Wherever they were, chances were they were alone. Instead, he focused on his phone while everyone started arguing in full; Elle was trying to call. Can't talk now, he texted. At the bridge with Cassie and others. She replied quickly. Why? What's wrong? Not sure. All roads out of town are blocked. Blocked? We can't get out? Has anyone found our parents? Campbell rubbed his face with one hand. No, we can't. No adults or younger kids yet. Trying to figure out what to do. Oh. A long, long pause. Show me. Whatever was happening, Harry was officially done. His tone sharpened, and Campbell looked up to see him trying to collect Kelly. "You coming with, Kel?" He stood there, staring, when she shook her head. Ouch. Harry hadn't mentioned that they were on the rocks; he was being an unreasonable ass, though. Not a surprise. "Jesus christ, just get in the car." "Leave her alone," Will grumbled. "Hey, fuck off, Will." Harry looked to Campbell, seeking someone to follow him. Campbell just raised an eyebrow. Harry seethed, getting into his car and starting the engine. "Fine. Who gives a shit." He knew Harry would be mad at him for a while, but eventually he'd stop being a selfish prick and come around. Campbell needed to be there, to keep an eye on people and the situation; he needed to hear what was happening, and plan accordingly. If Cassandra couldn't keep herself together and all hell was going to break loose, Campbell needed to be ready. In the mean time... Cassandra blinked at him and he moved to her side, lifting his phone to take a picture of the blocked off tracks and road. "What are you doing?" "I'm just gonna send a text. Let everybody know how fucked we are." "Campbell!" she hissed. "Don't. Come on, let's think about this." But there was nothing to think about. Campbell pressed the send button, and his phone dinged in confirmation. He smiled at the look of horror on her face, sitting down on the sidewalk while he waited for Elle to reply; it wasn't often that he actually felt stronger than Cassandra, or even smarter, but it was one of those rare moments that he saw an opportunity and took it. Hiding the truth from people would only backfire. She'd thank him later, if she had the sense. Cassandra was still moaning over it. "Fuck. Why did you do that?" "Relax, Cassandra. I don't have many people on my contact list." "But they'll share it with their friends. It'll spread." "A slow, steady distribution of information is better than pretending things are fine." "Campbell--" "Look." Setting aside his phone, Campbell turned to Cassandra and held her gaze. "You, me, and like a dozen other people already know. How long do you think it'd be before one of them squealed, huh? Someone would let it slip, at some point. And if you go back into town, telling everyone it's all good when it's not, at some point they'll realize you lied. What do you think is gonna happen when three hundred teenagers stop trusting their student body president, Cassandra?" "I'm not student body president anymore. Harry said so, and it's true." "Harry's a shithead." "Then why are you friends with him?" "Not the point. You're one of the smarter people here. Gordie, Bean, Will, Grizz? They're amazing, but you were the closest thing to a leader we had back home. That doesn't just go away." Cassandra chewed on her lip. "I don't want to be a leader. I'm..." She pressed her hand to her chest. "I'm sick. What if I can't get my medicine?" "Tough shit," Campbell retorted. "Power is in your hands, and if you don't get a grip on it, someone else is going to put you in the dirt. All the medicine in the world won't help you if there's a fucking mutiny." "What do I do, then?" "These kids are gonna get scared, and they're either gonna look to you or they're going to challenge you. Pull yourself together." For a long time, Cassandra didn't speak. She sat next to him and gazed woefully at a small group of teens that were heading their way, some walking and others jogging. They were pointing at the road, and some began shouting. A few began to hover closer to her, looking nervous. "Well. Maybe you're right." "Usually am. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an acquaintance to console." Elle had arrived with the group, staring off the side of the bridge at the tracks. Other kids joined her nearby, and Campbell could hear them whisper as he approached. He was telling the truth. What does this mean? How is it possible? He ignored them, leaning against the railing next to Elle; she didn't look at him, but she leaned a little closer. "This is such bullshit," she said after a time. "What are we supposed to do?" Campbell shook his head. "Whatever is happening, if we're stuck with no way out, then we gotta do what you do in any survival situation. Secure resources. Shelter, food, water." "Should head to the store and grab some shit before people all get the same idea." "Probably, yeah." Elle glanced over at him. "You're pretty calm in all this." "Getting panicked or scared just means mistakes get made." He texted her a small list of supplies. "Go to the store. Bottled water. A lot of stuff can be frozen or dried. Get what you can, we'll figure out how to preserve it later." She nodded, turning and heading towards the closest market. Campbell waited for her to be out of earshot, then headed towards Cassandra, who was talking to Will and Sam. Everyone else seemed to have dispersed. They all glanced at him, but kept talking; Will was discussing the food situation, already, and Will specifically mumbled something about dehydrating and canning. Well, at least Will had some clue, then. "I saved a bunch of YouTube videos," he said, looking sheepish. "I always wanted to be a chef, so..." Campbell kept walking. They already were making plans; they didn't need him any, and he should go make sure that Elle was doing alright. He made it a few yards before Sam caught up to him, grabbing his sleeve to get his attention. "Where are you going?" Sam asked. "To get what I can." Campbell sighed at the way Sam's eyebrows knit together. There was no point in wasting time trying to explain, and besides, he had to make sure Sam wasn't gonna starve to death. "Coming?" There were a few different stores and markets in town, and while there was one close by, Campbell knew of a smaller one run by one of those doomsday prepper types. There wasn't as much variety there, but it did have gallon-sized bottled waters and things like powdered eggs. People went to it for camping supplies, but not much else; it wouldn't be the first place most would think to go to. Sam followed him inside, watching at Campbell began to fill a basket full of supplied. At least he didn't try and argue that it was theft or anything. "What are you getting?" "This is for you. A week of water. Jerky, nuts and seeds. Dried eggs. Dried fruit, some other shit. Keep it in the basement until you need it." "Why a week?" "Because if the utilities go and no one comes for us after a week, they're not going to." He didn't mean for the words to come out quite so grim, but it was useless to sugarcoat things any. "Keep using the water at home as long as you can. If it goes off, use this." Campbell grabbed some for himself, and they managed to weasel the baskets home without being seen. Probably because most of the other kids were at home crying or at the bridge by that point, who knew for sure. At least no one approached them. As they put shit away, Campbell made a list in his head of things in stores that would be in high demand. Toilet paper, first aid kits, batteries, medications, alcohol, anything for hygiene. Bleach, matches, lighters. And knowing his peers, condoms. If he got his backpack and headed out again, he could probably snatch a good stock before anyone else thought of it... Sam sunk onto the sofa once they finished. He tilted his head as Campbell got a couple backpacks, and made another list on his phone. "What are you going to do?" "I have some business to take care of." "Harry?" Maybe it was the comment itself, or maybe it was the eyebrow quirk of Sam's eyebrow, or some sort of tone his brother had. Either way, Campbell's mood soured on the spot. "Don't pretend like you know me." "I don't know you. That's what scares me." There was nothing to say to that, in the end. Campbell stormed out of the house, heading towards the pharmacy first. Most of what he wanted would be there, and the chances of anyone else being there already were slim. To his surprise, when he arrived, someone had already been messing with the lock; they hadn't managed to get in, whoever they were. Campbell slipped his lock picking kit from the backpack and made quick work of it. First was anything addictive, then meds that would be important. The pharmacy had a little book behind the counter that explained what everything was, and Campbell swept through as fast as possible to grab asthma medications, birth control pills, anti virals, whatever looked useful. He paused as he examined the shelves, seeing a prescription for Cassandra. Her heart meds. He tossed it into his backpack, and then found the rest of that medication and stole it, too. Harry's home was close by. Campbell headed there, knowing Harry would let him stash shit there until Campbell convinced Sam to get in line. When he knocked, though, no one answered. Sighing, Campbell found the hidden key Harry had made specially for him; the house was quiet when he came inside, with Harry nowhere in sight. He hid the backpacks in the attic first, then went hunting for his friend. "Harry? You were supposed to be here eating." A muffled sound came from the living room. Campbell found Harry laying curled up in a ball on the floor, under a blanket. "Hey, buddy. You don't look so hot." "Leave me alone, Satan," Harry slurred. "Are you high?" "Maybe." Campbell flopped onto the floor next to Harry, lifting up the blanket to peer in at him. "C'mon. Tell me. What'd you take?" "A xanax. From mom's medicine cabinet." A quick trip upstairs, to peek at the dose. Not worrisome, but definitely more than a beginner should take, and enough to knock Harry on his ass for several hours. Campbell went into the kitchen and made a can of soup. Harry's favorite, split pea with ham. He brought it to Harry and sat on the floor again, tempting Harry with it. Eventually, Harry crawled out from under the blanket and took the bowl. "She dumped me." Harry poked at the green mass. "Kelly. We found out her dad was screwing with my mom, and I don't know. She got pissed off at me." "You do stick your foot in your mouth regularly." "I didn't mean to make her mad. Now we're in this fucking nightmare world, and... what am I supposed to do? I can't do this alone." Campbell resisted the urge to gloat. He'd never really liked Kelly, anyways, and the feeling had been mutual. "Look, you two have been having problems for over a week now. This changes nothing." He reached over, snagging the spoon from Harry's hand and loading it up with soup. "Besides. You're not alone. You have me." Harry didn't fight as Campbell fed him the soup. "You know what I mean," he said through a bite. He suddenly stopped, swallowing and sinking his face into his hands. "Maybe you don't. Christ." "You're hung over and high. Eat your soup and we can talk later." He muttered under his breath, but Harry listened anyways. Campbell put on a movie, chilling while Harry ate; when Harry was done, he slumped against Campbell and fell asleep. Well, at least he couldn't panic if he was passed out cold. Hours passed. Harry eventually woke up enough to stumble into the shower and clean himself up, while Campbell made them grilled cheese sandwiches. Harry had just returned when their phones began to buzz. "It's from Cassandra." Campbell slid Harry a sandwich. "She wants us to get to the church as soon as possible." Harry shook his head. "Man, fuck her." "Quiet. She knows what she's doing." "Do you seriously believe that?" "Yeah, I do." Harry didn't say anything, but he tightened his jaw, and Campbell saw something in his eyes that planted another seed of worry. Rebellion. Fucking hell, it was starting already. Campbell headed towards the bathroom while Harry got dressed; it was a quick detour to the bedroom of Harry's parents, where Campbell knew Harry's mother kept a gun. The case wasn't locked. The ammo was right there. Thank fuck Harry never had the inclinations to kill anyone. Campbell made sure it was unloaded, then stuck the gun in his waistband and the ammo in his pocket, before heading back out. Harry was waiting on the porch, and they hopped in his car and made their way to the church. By the time they got there, people were starting to gather, but it was mostly empty still. Cassandra was standing by the water fountain, leaning against the brick wall and taking deep, slow breaths. Harry went on inside without waiting. Campbell hung back, sidling up to Cassandra when no one was paying attention. "I can't do this," she whispered. "I can't." Campbell nudged her shoulder with his own. "It's gonna be okay, somehow. If it makes you feel any better, I knocked over the drug store and stole you a few months worth of your heart meds." "You... What. No, no, nevermind. I don't want to know." "You're welcome. But seriously, just chill out. What are you even talking about?" Cassandra ran her hands through her hair. "Luke texted Helena. Helena texted me. We got ahold of everyone on the buses, but people all keep asking me what's going on. You were right. People are looking to me, and I don't know how to lead them." Campbell shrugged. "We're kids, okay? Most of us aren't used to living in the real world. They're gonna be worried about things like resources and safety. Guide them a bit towards ways to get or keep that, and they'll follow." "But why would they take my word for it? I have maybe five friends, Cam. There's over two hundred people coming, and I don't know how to trust them, or get them to trust me." Trust wasn't something Campbell was familiar with, but he knew no one would trust Cassandra if they saw her as weak. And if Cassandra didn't believe in herself, then weak was exactly how she'd come off. Cassandra had been tempered by her love for her family and friends. It was sweet, it was good, but sweet and good wasn't going to get shit done. The people in their town only understood wealth and power. But it was too late to talk more; dozens of people were heading their way, and Campbell knew better than to be seen lingering around Cassandra too long. He took a seat in the back, far from the Cassandra and her little herd. Sam was there, surrounded by Allie, Becca, Gordie, and Will. His actual, chosen family. Even Harry was up there, and Kelly. He felt a small stab of jealousy, but bit it back as soon as it reared its head. It'd do no good. "You could join them." Campbell glanced up at Elle's voice. She stood in the church aisle, watching him. "No, that wouldn't be a good idea. I don't want to be a public relations nightmare for my cousin." "Stay away from the alcohol, and you'd probably be fine." "Elle..." "No, Campbell, whatever you're about to say just don't bother. The best thing you can do is promise never to do that again, and then keep that promise, okay?" "I can do that." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." Campbell hesitated. He hated making promises, because he knew he could be unreliable and he hated breaking promises just as much, but Elle was worth the effort. "I promise." Crossing her arms, Elle looked down at the floor. "Alright. Well, Kelly invited me to sit with her. I'll let you know if they say anything good." She didn't wait for an answer. Elle peeked back at him as she headed up front; he tried to smile at her, and she didn't really smile back, but it was a start at least. Campbell turned his focus to the crowd in the church and their quiet whispers. Many were scared. A few were angry. Most just seemed confused. As time passed, they became restless. At least, that was until Cassandra stood, and began to speak. She stood in the center of the stairs leading to the podium. "Listen. Hey, listen up." Silence fell over the church. Cassandra continued, her voice shaking at first, but becoming louder and clearer as she carried on. "While we're all here, together, there are some things that we ought to figure out. Before we rip this place apart and maybe... you know, start hurting each other." She paused as quiet murmurs spread through the gathered students. "I don't know what the hell is going on. Maybe Luke will come back with some good news." Elle spoke first, her tone annoyed. "Maybe? Of course he will." "Yeah," Harry agreed. "Why don't we just wait and see, Cassandra?" Cassandra sighed. Her eyes darted to Campbell, for just a split second. "Because I would rather prepare for the worst before the worst happens." "What does that mean? Prepare?" Kelly wondered. "I don't know specifically, but I think it means we agree not to just take things when we want until all the food is gone and we starve." The murmurs turned into a panicked rumble. Campbell winced, but Allie, Clark, and Helena loudly agreed with Cassandra, and that seemed to quell the surge of fear... until Harry opened his goddamn mouth, just as Campbell knew he would. "This is bullshit." Will's back was to Campbell, but he could heard the disbelief in Will's voice. "Jesus, man, what is your problem?" "What are we agreeing to, Cassandra?" Harry turned to Cassandra, ignoring Will completely. Some of the students waiting in the pews began to yell in agreement with Harry. "Which one of us gets to decide who gets what? Your friends?" Becca let out a huff. "It's called democracy." "I'm not a fucking idiot, Becca." That was debatable, Campbell thought, but he kept quiet. At least for the time being, to see how things would play out. At least Cassandra seemed to have a handle on things, for the time being; Harry was getting flustered, especially when Cassandra brought out the coin she'd kept from the play. "How do you want to decide things?" she challenged. "Every person for themselves? Then we're back to where we started. Maybe you want to flip a coin to see who decides? You don't like democracy? How about random fucking chance?" Harry scoffed. "That's--" "Call it, Harry. Call it." "I'm not gonna do that." "Okay, okay. I'll call it for you. You get heads." Cassandra flipped the coin. "Tails. Still think it's unfair? Best two out of three. Oh! Tails." "I... I mean..." Cassandra flipped a third time, but this time, her face fell. "Tails." Harry looked frozen. The church had become so quiet, it was like no one was even breathing. Harry was thinking back to the play, and Campbell knew everyone else was, too. "Do it again." Four more times, Cassandra flipped the coin. Tails, tails, tails, tails. Harry stepped back from Cassandra, eyes wide. "Fuck." For a moment, Cassandra paused. She stared at the coin, and flipped it again; she closed her eyes, her hand over the coin for a long moment before she finally looked. "Heads." She held up the coin, and the crowd let out a long sigh of relief. She turned her attention back to them, lifting her voice once more. "It's all up to us. There's no civilization here, not until we start one. So what are we gonna do? First, I think we have no choice but to share. Share food, share resources." "Houses?" Harry asked. "Maybe." "Fuck you." Allie stood up. "Really? How much electricity do we have? Until it's all used up and everything goes dark? I think 225 people in 200 houses doesn't make sense." 239, but who was counting. "Keep what's ours!" some random fuckhole shouted from the other side of the church. "What is yours?" Cassandra questioned. "Do you have money? Who you gonna pay? The things that you need to live-- food, clothes, the stuff in stores-- no one owns them." Will and Harry erupted at one another over housing, and Campbell sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes. They were snapping and snarling, and the mood in the church was getting tense. Will on one side, arguing for Cassandra's view that there should be rules, organization, a method. Harry on his own side, screaming about how he should get to do whatever he wanted. Campbell understood. Harry was afraid, afraid of losing what was his and the comfy little life he had for himself. The big house and big bed and things were all he really had, in his mind. And well, men in general weren't great with sharing, were they? But Campbell knew history sided with people like Will and Cassandra. Capitalism, mine-mine-mine, greed. It never fared well in situations like the one they were in. No, they needed rules. They needed some sort of system, where everyone had an equal portion of things. And they had such a small, small window of time to get things going and working, before it all fell into chaos. Harry was yelling at Cassandra, getting ready to storm off like the entitled rich boy he was. Great. "I don't have to listen to this. Not anymore." "Harry, this has nothing to do with you," Cassandra snapped. "We need to--" "I don't need to do anything you say, you fucking--" Campbell had been busy loading the gun while the two argued, with the rest of the students starting to stand up and scream back and forth, too. He stood, pointed at the back wall's roof where it wouldn't hurt anyone, and fired a single round. The angry screams turned into screams of panic as everyone hit the floor. Some started crying, but everyone was staring at him, and no one was speaking. "Well..." Campbell took to the center aisle, walking towards his cousin. He had to act fast, before anyone recovered and tried to stop him. "Fuck this. Harry's right." Cassandra's mouth dropped open. "What?" "No one elected you king, cousin. Did anybody vote for her? Did they?" Campbell stopped in front of Cassandra and gestured to the cowering teenagers on the floor. "Anybody elect her to speak on your behalf? No?" "I... I don't want to be king." Campbell stared hard at Cassandra. She was stuttering. Oh, it wouldn't do at all for her to look like this in front of the people she was trying to rally. He cocked the gun again, but this time, he pointed it at Cassandra. There was no bullet left in the gun, but she didn't know that. No one did. "That's not what it looks like. Is it?" Allie jumped in front of her sister, glaring daggers at Campbell, but Cassandra gently brushed her aside. Something flickered to life in her eyes. Something courageous. Self-sacrificing. "I've thought a lot about dying. I've almost gotten used to that. But I don't like to be afraid." Cassandra looked down the barrel, then met Campbell's gaze. If she had any idea of the hand he was playing, she didn't give it away. She simply stood tall, steeling her voice and not flinching a bit. "Do you want chaos? Fucking shoot me." And there she was, the Cassandra he loved. Campbell chuckled, lowering the gun and giving her a little smile. "I don't want to shoot you. I wanted to get everybody's attention." Just one last part of the plan to put into place. "This meeting's obviously over. We'll be back when Luke gets here. Until then, if anybody else is tired of listening to her, you can follow me." Campbell turned and headed towards the door, knowing Cassandra would be watching and counting each and every person who left with him. She would know their names. Their faces. She would know exactly who was siding against her. Once he got to the exit, he glanced behind him. It was a good sign. Harry and Kelly. Seven others, of various genders. A tiny, tiny minority, and no threat to Cassandra at all. She would be safe. But then the church doors swung open with a bang, and Campbell fell back. Everyone did. Luke walked in, flanked by Grizz, Bean, Gwen, and the others that had gone out into the forest. In Luke's arms draped Emily's pale, limp body. Gasps and noises of despair rippled through the crowd, and everyone parted to allow Luke access to the table at the front of the room. Grizz cleared the table, and they all stood around, staring. Some started to cry. Some tried to check for her pulse. She was dead. It was clear the minute Luke came in. Campbell had never really known Emily, so he stayed near the door, letting everyone else have a chance to see her for themselves. Closure or whatever. "She died from a snakebite," Luke called out. "Her whole body just shut down. We did everything we could, but we couldn't save her." Grizz spoke when Luke sank to the floor. His voice was flat, cold. Practical. "So we're gonna bury her tomorrow, before it starts to smell. I'm gonna need a couple of guys..." "There's nothing out there, guys. Just a whole bunch of just... woods that go on forever. We're all alone. This isn't our home." This isn't our home. Those four words were all it took to shift everything. He looked to Sam, his thoughts already spinning. His little brother was huddled with Allie, Cassandra, and Becca, and Campbell could practically smell the fear on him. Alone. Sam didn't trust Campbell, and now they had to be alone together? They had to try and survive together? It wasn't going to work, not like this, especially when-- not if, but when-- things started getting cutthroat. Campbell was too bitter, too hateful, and he knew he wouldn't be able to handle the stress of worrying about them both. Especially if Cassandra expected people to start sharing houses. There was no way Campbell could do it. He would hurt someone, at some point. In the end, it was for Sam's own good. Campbell knew he, at some point, would snap. He would destroy Sam. He wouldn't want to, or even mean to. But if they were on their own, trapped, it'd be like too many rats in too small a cage. They'd turn on each other someday, and Campbell knew he would always save himself, without hesitation. Sam deserved better than that. So... Campbell eyed Cassandra and Allie as they walked past, heading to their home. They had already opened their home to Will. Safety in numbers, right? And Cassandra loved Sam. Allie was protective of her family. Sam trusted and loved them, too. They could keep him safe. They would take care of him, and sacrifice their own needs for him if it came down to it. They could be the home Sam needed, even if it was just for a little while. Campbell just had to hope that Sam was angry enough inside, hurt enough by years of distrust and backbiting between them, that he'd be happy to leave. He grabbed Sam's arm as Sam followed after their cousins. Campbell kept his face calm, his voice neutral. Maybe it would be simple. No need to get nasty about it, if Sam would go willingly. "Hey. Don't come home tonight." Sam tensed. There was hurt in his eyes, and the smallest glint of stubbornness. He was angry, but not angry enough. Not yet. "It's my house, too." Campbell studied Sam's face, choosing to dig a little deeper. Something more painful was going to be needed, obviously. "Ever since you were born, I never had just one day that was mine, until now." It was the truth, anyways. It had been the Sam Show from day one, and it was no secret that Campbell resented Sam for it. "Alright?" Sam stared Campbell down, not saying a word. Not at first. Finally, he shook his head. His voice was low. Pained. But he didn't look away from Campbell, not even a little bit. "No." So, that's how it was going to be. "Give me the key, you little fag." He had never called Sam that before, or anything like it. He'd busted plenty of people's lips for less. It felt dirty on his tongue, but it was the one thing that Campbell knew would hurt Sam past the point of forgiveness. And if that didn't work... Campbell shot his hand out and scruffed Sam like a petulant kitten, digging his fingers hard into the back of Sam's neck. "Give me the key." Shock was the first emotion that crossed through Sam's expression. Campbell had never laid his hands on Sam before, either. He'd never needed slurs or physical violence before. But persuasion wasn't working, and maybe shock was exactly what Campbell needed to bring Sam's rage to the surface. It worked like a charm; the fury finally arrived, hurt transforming into a deep, crushing hatred. It was the same hatred that Campbell had seen in Sam the night Oliver was found dead, and fuck, it wasn't what Campbell wanted to see. But it had to happen now, before it happened later. Before Sam got hurt worse. Sam handed over his key to the house, then shoved Campbell hard and walked away. Campbell watched him go. Sam didn't look back. Good. It stung more than Campbell had expected, in some weird, dull way, but it was necessary. Wasn't it? Sam would be with Allie and Cassandra, where it was warm and welcoming and loving. Campbell would be on his own, away from anyone he could easily hurt, with time and space to figure shit out. When he got home, it was dark. He turned on the lights, turned on some music. There was cold cheese pizza still in the fridge; he ate it, not bothering to heat it up first. It was late, and he was tired, but there was a restlessness in him that wouldn't let him sleep. He ended up standing in the living room a bit past midnight, with the lights turned off and just a little bit of moonlight streaming in through the windows. He'd turned off the music, and it was quiet. Perfectly quiet, like he'd always fantasized about. No one to interrupt him, no one to scold or condemn him or look at him funny, or bother him with questions or requests, no one to have to pretend around. Happy, relaxed, carefree... Quarantined. Campbell sat in the middle of the living room sofa, emptiness settling over his shoulders like a frigid, heavy blanket. For the first time in years, he cried.
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imagineaworlds · 6 years ago
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Unordinarily Ordinary
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       Chapter Three. The Return of 0.05.
summary: I was born with the curse of being ordinary in a family filled with gifted kids. Here’s my story.
pairing: we’re getting there. slowly, but surely.
word count: 1560
warnings: cursing. family emotional abuse. ptsd. mention of drug addiction. mention of death.
The Family History - The Beginning - The Return of 0.05 - The Adventures of Klaus and Friends - The Seance - The Fright of a Lifetime
For a split moment, I thought it was my anger that shook the house and rumbled the ground outside. That was until I noticed the sky had turned black and everyone was still outside. My argument with Klaus came to a sudden halt as we both dashed for the courtyard. Hovering in the sky was a blue hole, one like 0.05 would use to jump through time and space. No one knew what it was, not even Pogo or Luther.
The trees thrashed around in the wind, and the windows barely held together. As usual, Diego and Luther were arguing over what it could be until Klaus came running out with a fire extinguisher yelling bloody murder. As if it would harm the hole in the sky, Klaus threw the extinguisher at it.
“Is that the best idea you’ve got?” I bit.
“Do you have a better idea, Sarah?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe the four powered people in this courtyard might be able to do something, just a thought.” Klaus huffed, about to fight back before the hole sputtered. From the eye of it I swore I saw my brother. “Five?” No one heard me.
As the hole began to disperse, 0.05 fell from it. “Uh…” Klaus began. “Does anyone see our little Five, or is that just the drugs finally kicking in?”
I stiffened.
“It’s really him, Master Klaus,” Pogo answered.
0.05 stood and looked at all of us, “Oh, Jesus.”
“Master Five, where have you been?” 0.05 pushed past all of us without a word and marched into the house. We all looked to each other, except Mom… her mind was elsewhere, it always was. “Don’t crowd him, children!” Pogo called after us as we all chased after 0.05 for answers.
We followed him into the kitchen where he started making a sandwich. Seventeen years we hadn’t seen our brother, our father’s favorite, and there he was, making a goddamn peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich. As much as I love 0.05, sometimes I want to strangle him.
Luther stepped in his way, “Are you going to talk to us?”
0.05 rolled his eyes, “Only if you move out of my way, asshat.” Luther took a seat at the meal table. “What’s today’s date?”
“Friday, March 24,” Vanya said.
“Good, that means there’s time.”
Now, truth be told, I can’t recall what it was the my brother had told us about what had happened over the past seventeen years because I didn’t understand it. It was a whole lot of science, something I have never been very good at, and a lot of cursing. It was clear to all of us that something had happened to 0.05 that he wasn’t telling us.
But, you know, after seventeen years, you would think my brother would be jumping up and down, over the moon happy to see us. Nope. There he was, finishing up his sandwich, ignoring our prying questions, and only giving us short, vague answers. Never in my life have I wanted to smack somebody so hard.
I missed my brother every day for those seventeen years, and not even a, “Hi, Sarah, I’ve missed you. How have things been? Where’s Ben?”
But I digress.
As quickly as he had returned, Number Five left. “It was nice to see you, too!” Klaus called after him.
“So what now?” Vanya asked.
No one said anything. What more was there to say? We held the funeral, 0.05 was back, there were plenty of family fights. It was time to go home. It was just another day in the Hargreeves’ household. I had seen enough of it.
“Right, well, I guess I’ll be seeing you in another seventeen years when someone else dies,” I said, standing from my seat and heading for the exit.
“Will that be before or after you invite us to be witnesses in your divorce court?” Diego said. “Or do they even do that kind of thing in the Netherlands?”
“Watch your tongue, Diego,” I warned.
“I hear the Netherlands is a pretty peaceful place. Maybe you’ll win, afterall. But my money’s on you losing everything to her. It’s karma for not inviting your own family to the wedding in the first place.”
“I said enough, Diego. Why is you always feel the need to pick a fight with me?”
“Because it’s easy. There’s nothing you could say or do back that would hurt me. Because you’re ordinary, remember? Even your wife left you because you’re so boring.”
“Diego!” Vanya disrupted.
“Diego, I’m sorry that you’re so lonely and sad that you feel the need to attack my personal life. But bringing Elena into this crosses a line.”
“Who’s Elena?” Klaus interjected.
Everyone groaned and shook their heads. “Pogo, will you call me a cab?”
“Right away, Miss Sarah.”
Diego was never kind to me, it was always like that. As kids, he would tease me for being different than the rest of them. At first it was harmless, and I took no offense to most of it, but as we grew older, he got meaner. A lot of it had to do with the pain in his heart, but I think that he just had a problem with the fact that I was dad’s own flesh and blood, and Diego could never compare to that. He would always be the adopted experiment in my father’s eyes, and that bothered him to no end.
I went upstairs to my room to pack my things. Diego didn’t come to say sorry, and the others hadn’t come to apologize for him or make excuses for him. Vanya did, however, come to offer me a place to stay before leaving for the Netherlands. She insisted I wait before going going home, insisted I give it more thought. For her sake, I accepted her offer.
I was nearly done packing all of my things when there was a knock at the door. 0.05 stood with his back against the frame, lounging tiredly. It hadn’t hit me until that moment just how odd it was seeing him so young. We were all like that at one point, not these fucked up grownups with fucked up childhoods.
“You’re leaving,” he said as more of a statement than a question. I nodded. “I didn’t even get to say a proper hello to my sister before she runs off in the night.”
“Vanya’s downstairs.”
“Ouch. Granted, I deserve that, I suppose.” He neared me, “I’m sorry, Sarah. It’s just been a long time since I’ve had to interact with anyone other than Delores.”
“Delores?”
0.05 nodded, “We met in the future. We’re going on thirty years strong.”
I sat on the bed, winded with these thoughts. “Thirty years… how… how long have you— how old are you, then?”
“Well, technically, my consciousness is fifty eight years old.” He sighed, “It’s been much longer since I’ve seen you than you have seen me.” He sat next to me, “Not a day went by where I didn’t miss you. My favorite sister,” he teased. “How have things been?”
“They’ve certainly been better.”
“I’m sorry, by the way. If it’s any consolation, I know it’s different for you, he was your real dad. It’s okay to miss him. You don’t have to hate him just because they do.”
“How can you say these things so nonchalant?”
“Because there are many worse things to come in this world, many more heartbreaks, many more deaths. He’s just one of billions. And, at the end of the day, I really didn’t like him all that much.” I let out a short and quiet chuckle before catching myself. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”
I smiled lightly, “Thank you, Five.”
“Anytime. Now,” he stood and fixed his suit jacket, “Do I need to go kick someone’s ass for you or—”
I shook my head, “No, it’s alright. Tensions are high right now, that’s all. I’m just going to go stay at Vanya’s place for a few days before I head back to the Netherlands.”
“What about Klaus?”
“Why the fuck does everyone keep asking me about him? I’m not his keeper.”
0.05 threw his hands up in defense, “Sorry. It’s just that you two were always close, I didn’t know what happened.”
“What happened was he got addicted to basically every illegal drug there is, and when that wasn’t enough, he started stealing some of my meds. After that, I lost all contact with him and moved away.”
“He’s in pain, Sarah, you of all people must know that.”
“I know it better than anyone, but that’s why I had to leave. He needs to grow up.”
0.05 clicked his tongue, “It seems like there are a lot of people around here who need to do some growing up, and it isn’t me.”
At the time, I had found 0.05’s words insulting. There he was, a fifty eight year old man stuck in a thirteen year old’s body, telling me that I needed to grow up. You can understand my frustration. Today, however, with some growing up and maturity behind my belt, I can now appreciate what he told me that day. And he was certainly right. All of us had to grow up. Some more than others.
umbrella academy family: @peggy1999 @gorgeousdarkangel @marvelismylifffe
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chthonicpdx · 6 years ago
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the winding road to Hekate
alright i’m just gonna post about this bc life is WILD right now. 
so, like, 13 (?) years ago, i was Going Through Some Shit, and i ended up bawling my eyes out on the laundry room floor of my college dorm, begging any god who could hear me for help (PTSD is rough, man.)
in response, i heard - for the first time - a steady, clear voice in my head say: “I will get you through this.” 
(i still get chills, just thinking about it.)
so, having been raised Very Christian, and still running with that crowd, i immediately assumed this was The Holy Spirit speaking to me (in my defense, the xtian God speaks to ppl in the bible in a *lot* stranger ways, so it seemed logical at the time.) 
but anyhow, i’d never been exposed to anything *but* Christianity/monotheism. really. i had no idea there were living polytheistic religions in the world (i was sheltered, man. long story. and i was young.) 
so anyway, i’m 19, and i hear this Voice, and immediately like, throw myself harder into xtian church stuff. i keep living life too - i go to class, i go to therapy, i go to church. i keep journaling and reading the bible and spending LOTS of time in nature. and i keep hearing this Voice.
all the while, hearing this Voice makes me want to sing and dance and talk back; makes me want to make art, and spin in circles in the grass, and learn and grow and know. and it makes me softer, and kinder, and more open. it helps me make friends with my demons. it helps me heal.
(read more under the cut. cw for mentions of homo/transphobia in christianity)
i spent the next decade heavily involved in the xtian church, to the point where it was my entire life. it was all i knew. it was my family and my home (and, somehow, i never really noticed that the Voice in my head was a lot softer, and a lot kinder, than so many of the voices of those who sat next to me in the pews.)
at any rate, the church was my home. my everything. then i came out. 
and that was that. 
i’m bi and nonbinary, and coming out caused a royal shitstorm. i lost nearly everyone - including my birth family. i had built my whole world on a foundation of sand, and the sea came to knock over my castles. 
but the Voice? the Voice was still there. and that should have been my first clue. 
the Voice whispered to me that if i trusted in a loving god, shouldn’t i be honest with myself about my sexuality? if i believe i was created, shouldn’t i trust my creator enough not to throw me away? even when everyone else did?
it was enough to keep me going, and keep me questioning. it was a lot of hard work, but i kept asking myself hard questions; i kept praying. and i figured out important things about myself - about who and how i love, and about who i am. and that Mattered. 
but still. the xtian church doors were officially closed to me, and my family was done. so i walked from them away too. and - since i never even considered that there were truly other gods out there - i stopped listening for the Voice as well. 
* * * * *
fast forward to now: five years later. the xtian church has made some huge strides in inclusivity for LGBTQ ppl, which is great. i started attending a local Lutheran church, full of sweet older gay couples who literally welcomed me with open arms. and it was wonderful and healing and Good. 
and just like that that, i opened my mind/heart/spirit up again, and guess what? the Voice was still there, patiently waiting. only this time, everything was different. because this time, she told me her name. 
* * * * *
that’s the suuuuuper abridged version of how i realized that the Voice in my head, that i’ve been in nearly constant contact with for all of my adult life is not - in fact - Jesus and/or the xtian holy spirit, but a Greek Goddess who’s Very Much Real, and Very Much Present in my daily life. 
and i’m kind of freaking out right now. i honestly don’t know what to do with this revelation. i think this post is a bit of, “i want this blog to be a place to share genuine spiritual experiences, so i can hopefully learn from and get to know other Hellenic polytheists,” and also my brain just going, “AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” 
like, i grew up with that One Brand™ of evangelicalism that was like, “God’s your dad so you should just be yourself around him; don’t worry about formalities,” so i’m really not used to a system of offerings and protocol and all of that. 
which isn’t to say that i’m not *extremely* grateful for these things - i am. i’m very, very glad to be joining a religion (Hellenic reconstructionism) that has some solid, specific ways to interact with the gods. it’s comforting, and it’s nice to know where to start. but it’s also overwhelming. 
and it’s really, really overwhelming to realize that the Voice that’s now as familiar as my own thoughts - the one i’ve been instinctually reaching out to without thought since i was a teenager - is also the Goddess of whom Homer said this: 
Zeus the son of Cronos honoured (Hecate) above all. He gave her splendid gifts, to have a share of the earth and the unfruitful sea. She received honour also in starry heaven, and is honoured exceedingly by the deathless gods.
For to this day, whenever any one of men on earth offers rich sacrifices and prays for favour according to custom, he calls upon Hecate. Great honour comes full easily to him whose prayers the goddess receives favourably, and she bestows wealth upon him; for the power surely is with her. For as many as were born of Earth and Ocean amongst all these she has her due portion.
The son of Cronos did her no wrong nor took anything away of all that was her portion among the former Titan gods: but she holds, as the division was at the first from the beginning, privilege both in earth, and in heaven, and in sea.
Also, because she is an only child, the goddess receives not less honour, but much more still, for Zeus honours her. Whom she will she greatly aids and advances: she sits by worshipful kings in judgement, and in the assembly whom she will is distinguished among the people. And when men arm themselves for the battle that destroys men, then the goddess is at hand to give victory and grant glory readily to whom she will. [x]
so like. Internal screaming. very much internal screaming. 
i am overwhelmed and grateful and so very, very found. and i wouldn’t have it any other way. but this is certainly the strangest spiritual experience i've ever had - and that includes first hearing a foreign voice in my head while i was sobbing on a laundry room floor. 
so anyway...that’s a long winded way of saying hey what’s up, i’m Winter, i belong to Hecate (and damn that feels good to write) and i’d love to get to know ya’ll. if anyone has similar experiences to share (or any sort of insight on what the HECK is going on for me right now) i welcome comments/responses! 
otherwise, this was my way of organizing my thoughts via tumblr ramble. thanks for reading, loves ❤ 
(ps ask me sometime how Hades started this all. i blame @chironomy​)
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koganphrancis · 6 years ago
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Camless Episode 4
(gif credit: winifred-burkle)
It’s a landmark episode and not a lot happens, as always.  If they didn’t have the fact it was the 100th episode to talk about, they’d pretty much have nothing at all.  Another episode without bringing up Terror (yay!), another episode without sex or a titty shot (shock!), another episode where we learn nothing about wtf is going on with Ian (yawn).  I HAD thought the show had managed to wrap up 3 storylines, but then I saw spoilers online last night that would indicate at least 2 of them will go on :(  Spoilers and not much else under the cut.
Ian got the “here’s what you missed” again this week, which I’m taking as another sign Cam is nearing the swan song ;)  But, ugh,the opening wasn’t funny-or understandable-at all.  Cam’s standing in front of a busload of extras they must’ve bussed in from a local Chicago school of modeling to portray Gay Jesus supporters, he’s wearing his “God Loves Fags” T shirt and says, “What the fuck were you doing last week that was more important than watching Shameless?  Protesting homophobia and bigotry?  Damn right you were.”  WTF?  If people weren’t watching Shameless last week they were exercising good taste, not “protesting” somewhere at 9 PM on a Sunday-or does he mean not watching this shit show is a protest against homophobia and bigotry?  That actually does make sense.  I apologize ;P
Liam  Whatever the point was of aging him and doing a time jump after Monica died went out the window last night when Liam is approached by some public school teachers about his placement for the next school year.  Liam is afraid he’s going to be kept back, but they assure him it’s the opposite, they want to move him up.  He asks if he’ll be put in 3rd grade, but they say they want to try him in 6th.  But if Liam thought skipping a grade would put him in 3rd, that means currently he’s in 1st and the oldest that would make him right now is 7.  The fuck?  The only reason I’m talking about any of this is because that’s how lame the show is now.
Carl  Lip FINALLY says something to him about the dogs smelling up the whole house.  And then shockingly Ian and Carl have a conversation about the dogs too-and West Point.  But of course this is the year of the Gallagher house seeming weird and creepy, so the conversation takes place with a very catatonic-like Ian sitting on the basement steps in weird shadows whilst Carl feeds the dogs.  The brotherly convo goes like this: Ian: Sure they wouldn’t have been better off if you just gassed them like you were supposed to? Carl: I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I: How are you going to order men (note to JW-women can serve in the armed forces now too, even in combat) to kill the enemy if you can’t put down a couple of old dogs?  That’s what officers do-order men (!!!) to kill.  What did you think they were gonna teach you at West Point?  Marching cadences? C: Is that what Gay Jesus would do? I: What, kill old dogs?  Hell no, Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace, but you’re not looking to get into heaven.  You want to lead lean mean murdering machines.  (DID ANYONE EVER THINK THAT WAS IAN’S GOAL IN GOING TO WEST POINT?  LEADING KILLING MACHINES TO THEIR DEATHS?  I HATE YOU, JOHN WELLS!)  If you can’t kill a couple of old dogs might be the time to start considering teaching kindergarten?  Nursing school?  
On that note, he gets up and walks away.  Let me interject another rant here-since WHEN is Ian this insensitive sexist jerk who would think of jobs/careers in terms of things real men do vs. traditionally (in the dark ages) “feminine” jobs?  John Wells is a fucking dinosaur that needs to be educated-fucking teaching and nursing jobs are as difficult as soldiering, plus these days they’re expecting teachers to start protecting classrooms with weapons.  He’s such a dumb fuck!
And also-I bet this is the only time Ian will speak to Carl about West Point and we’ll never know how he truly felt about watching Carl grasp at the dream he once had.  Way to blow the opportunity.
There’s a whole stupid side story about Carl and the kid who originally was getting the West Point letter of recommendation.  In another add it to the list of “read the room, school kids arranging to shoot each other isn’t funny, you fucking out of touch white males” plots, Carl needs to get his “killing mojo” back so he goes to visit a local veteran.  I can’t even begin to guess if Wells was trying to make some commentary about PTSD or if he was just using the poor guy for laughs (this is Shameless, as they love to remind us, so I’m guessing Wells was just going for yuks).  The show makes its at least THIRD joke using tattoos as a punchline, and-just like with Mickey and Ian-it fails to be funny.  Get new material, you untalented hack!  Sorry I keep yelling at John Wells-what a waste if he’s not actually reading this ;) 
In Carl’s showdown with the other kid, Wells turns that kid into a poetry-spouting “pansy” at the last second.  The kid can’t bring himself to shoot Carl, so he shoots himself in the thigh saying his warmonger dad can’t make him enlist in the Marines now even if he’s not going to West Point.  I’m sitting at home wondering if the idiot nicked his femoral artery and is about to bleed out.  Carl says the self inflicted wound is just a flesh wound and they’ll be able to tell, so the kid starts blabbering poetry and Carl shoots him in the other thigh to shut him up.  The kid thanks him and Carl walks away.   Now I’m convinced that second shot had to hit the femoral artery and no one’s calling 911 and I bet the kid dies and Carl’s path to West Point is now strewn with his body and Kassidi’s.  
Debbie  I can’t...I’ll try, I’ll try to be brief, because it’s all meaningless.  After spending one night together, Alex says they should live together (because that’s what ALL wacky lesbians do, they move right in), and Debs says yes.  They get to have a cute domestic breakfast scene that by rights should’ve gone to Mickey and Ian, but I digress.  Debbie goes out and buys “lesbian” outfits, which to me just seemed like they were making fun of HER-of course she’s going to hit the mall, she’s just a teenager!  She doesn’t have to be the spokeswomen of lesbians everywhere.  This show has a knack of mocking the wrong things at the wrong times.  It’s their shitty writing, not teen spending habits, that’s ridiculous here.
The next time we see them, they’re in bed again, and Alex is filling Debbie in on her past serious relationships, and then Wells gives Debbie a speech about all the dudes she slept with and it’s so much more cringe-worthy thinking about the fact he wrote it.  Plus it’s another “relationship retcon” speech since Debbie doesn’t mention that every other time she’s had sex it was a form of rape.  Matty (who Wells has Debbie say had a “big dick”) wasn’t conscious (and, btw, John, a 12 year old virgin-which is the oldest Debbie could’ve been at the time with all your screwing around with her still being 16 last year-wouldn’t be all that enthusiastic about “big dicks” for her very 1st time), Derrick (who she lied to about birth control-if he had slipped off a condom right before entering her that would be rape and this case is also-Wells says he had a great body and really knew what he was doing), and the guy she crossed state lines with who was obviously over 21 if he could rent a hotel room in Missouri, PLUS she was drugged and unable to give consent-that dude’s a two for!  Debbie doesn’t mention him, since she can’t remember him, I guess.  She brings up Neil, but says being with him was just financial (she doesn’t bother to say he just watched while she did things to herself.  But hey, if they had had sex, that would’ve been another case of statutory!)  Anyway, then Wells has Debbie spout off about what having sex with another “girl” is like and Alex gets more and more dejected.  She’s just now seeing that Debbie’s not gay?  We’re supposed to feel sorry for her?  When in the previous episode which SEEMS to have taken place the day before (or a couple of weeks, tops, if you’re going by Liam’s time line) Alex said right out loud that she knew Debbie was straight?  WHY IS THIS SHOW SO DUMB?  We haven’t gotten to know Alex well enough to have sympathy for her regardless, but they made the point of letting us know she KNEW going in Debbie is straight.  And of course in John Wells’ world, there’s no such thing as bisexuals, so...
Deb and Alex “break up” (who cares?) and I thought that would be the end of Alex and Debbie’s gay storyline, but no-sounds like they’re going to be the new Ian and Terror-next week “Debbie tries to repair things with Alex” according to Spoiler TV.  NOOOOO!  I wanted that to be one of my three wrapped up storylines!  
Debbie comes back into the Gallagher kitchen, dragging her baby carriage and pillow with her and crying her heart out.  None of the siblings appear very concerned-this is the new Shameless, a bunch of strangers occasionally bumping into each other.  The biggest “shocker” of the scene is the family is eating Popeye’s instead of KFC.  Another jolt that we don’t even know these people anymore, LOL.
Lip  I can’t...I just don’t understand the motivation to try to make Xan part of his life when he doesn’t seem to be bonding with her in the least.  He asks her if she’d want to stay with him if her mom never comes back-but doesn’t tell the kid why HE wants her to stay or ask Xan why she would want to stay when she says okay.  The story is hollow and no one seems to try to be filling it with any substance.  
There’s a couple of scenes at the motorcycle shop and it’s so obvious Lip and Brad have no idea what they’re doing-they always just grab wrenches and poke at bike parts with them.  Last night Lip kept using the ratchet wrench-I think JAW must like the noise it makes.  
Lip sells the bike he restored to get money to buy parental rights from Xan’s mom, and it’s just creepy?  Why would the mom know to trust him?  I’m still not even convinced WE should trust him-sharing a room with her is creepy af.  Anyway, Xan comes running up when Lip’s trying to get the mom to make the deal (and why is Xan out unsupervised in the middle of the night on a dark South Side street?  Even if she did “just” sneak out to look for her mom, this is a clear example that Lip isn’t father of the year, that he’s not meeting the bare minimum requirements as a guardian), and the mom drops to hug Xan because it’s the 100th episode and these two characters we barely know should get the big emotional scene?  Anyway, Lip drops the check and runs, overwhelmed by an actual show of emotion, no doubt.  THIS was the 2nd storyline I was hoping would be over, but then TMZ reported that the actress who plays Xan has been signed for Season 10.  Which, BTW, still hasn’t been officially announced and that just seems weird that they haven’t.  What is Showtime waiting for?  
Fiona  Ugh, she was worse than ever this week.  Can’t believe these are her waning days-it truly seems like Wells is out to punish her.  Fi is on the toilet as Bored brushes his teeth.  Fiona goes right from flushing to brushing her teeth WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS.  It was so gross-I hope next episode she and Bored have pink eye and mouth thrush.  (Fi also touches her lip after putting on lipstick-still without the benefit of soap.)  They still have no fucking chemistry, and they start talking about the election which of course they don’t see eye to eye on.  Then Fi goes to Patsy’s for the first time in forever and Wells gets to recycle the Fi vs Ian fight over gentrification from last season by having Fi on the opposite side of Frank’s candidate, although they don’t bother to give us any face-to-face interaction.  Which is just fine, since the election storyline was boring and weak anyway.  
Fi is a total...I don’t even know the word-what do you call a boss who doesn’t allow their workers their freedom as voters?  She tells the waitresses to take off their buttons supporting their candidate and that there can be “no electioneering” at the workplace, but puts up a poster for her guy and offers free pie to anyone who puts on one of his buttons.  Would she ever really be that clueless and such a bully?  Does anyone care anymore?  
Later, Fiona goes to the Alibi and has a conversation with Vee where she basically says, “This is what Ford is telling me to think this week...”  Fiona says she wants to vote for the guy against rent control, the businessman  And Vee points out that “the businessman” in Washington isn’t working out too great.  Ooh, Shameless, rushing in with the timely political commentary!  (There will be more too, ugh.)
When Fi shows up at her (or a?) polling place, there’s a rumble going on and Wells has her throw one punch to show us she’s still “South Side”, I guess.  It was gratuitous.  It did not remind us of the show’s glory days, it was a thrown in pointless moment that was so outrageously just tacked on. 
In Fiona’s final scene this week, Bored walks into the apartment building with his massive wooden toolbox reminding us he’s a massive tool, and Fiona tells him how she changed her vote, they kiss, and women’s rights are set back another 100 years.  Oh, and Bored still squints A LOT delivering his lines.  Emmy seems to open hers even wider, probably unconsciously trying to get the other actor to at least try to keep his open once in a while...
Veronica and Kevin  There was some more truly awful “rape jokes” this week. Rape is never going to be funny, and with the week this country suffered through last week-plus the fact that it’s still ongoing-I really wish they had just deleted all the Alibi scenes.  Kev makes up a scoreboard or bingo sheet (it isn’t clear) of all the “types” of rapey behavior that can now be shorthanded into a celebrity’s name.  I won’t even justify the “joke” with some examples.  And then KEVIN becomes a sought-after consultant to make other South Side bars less rapey because he’s the white man running the Alibi and Vee is...not.  
Frank is in the episode more than I’m going to talk about, but suffice it to say I do truly believe his election storyline is over (one out of three is not good enough, Shameless!  Wrap up the boring shit that’s going nowhere and do something with the other shit that’s also going nowhere!)   Mo wins the election, and Wells has a reporter say it’s because voters were afraid to say they were bigots in polls.  Which again, this show is too narrow to try to address larger issues-if that’s Wells’ theory why Trump won, it doesn’t explain how “bigoted voters” elected Obama twice.  Try making the world a better place, Wells.  Yes, there is racism and idiot bigotry here, but there was just something smug about how he justified his fictional political outcome.  There was a scene where Frank’s asking some of the Gallaghers if they’re voting-Carl says he’s too young, Lip says he’s not registered, and Ian says, “What’s the point?”  And that pissed me off too, because we’re having Gay Jesus shoved down our throats, but then Wells seems to be saying Ian won’t bother to vote and would rather blow shit up.  Again, the kid that ORIGINALLY had the dream to serve his country by going to West Point.  And fucking Lip-what, he’s too “smart” to think voting matters?  
(Also in that scene, Ian was eating peanut butter toast, but still no sign of his pill bottles.  Cam actually took a bite of the toast, if that type of dedication to his craft matters to anyone.)
The post credits “joke” was a pedo joke about Mo.  Fuck you, John Wells.  
The only thing Frank was good for this week was to lead us back to Mickey’s house.  As so often with this show, I have to forget context (good thing I’ve had plenty of practice, I guess?) and I will fully admit that when I saw Mickey’s little castle of a house I teared up a little.  It was like seeing an old friend.  
But then of course they had to ruin it by Frank knocking on the door, we hear Terry yelling and hitting a dog named Adolf (they put a yelp in and everything) and Terry opens the door wielding a baseball bat that brought Negan and Jeffery Dean Morgan to mind-I hope that was a shout out to him.  The bat had nails in embedded in it instead of barbed wire, but close enough.  Best not to imagine how much cooler the show might have been with JDM instead of Sean, sigh.  
A much funnier joke than anything they did give us about Mo White would’ve been to have Frank ask Terry, “Still have a connection with Russians?  I have an election to rig.”
Finally we get to Ian but just because he had more screen time this week doesn’t mean we’re any closer to knowing anything.  And I was going to bust Cameron for acting very sleepy and out of it in all of his scenes, but then I realized that’s pretty much how all the Gallagher kids actors have been acting, except for Fiona (and I’d say she’s trying too hard sometimes.  There’s also been lots of scenes so far where it seems like she’s phoning it in-but of course they’re giving her shit to do).  
Anyway, things this episode start in the Gallagher kitchen, Ian groans when he sees the coffee’s all gone, and says he’s not sleeping-he got too used to all the noise in jail, it’s too quiet here.  Well, bitch, the house was always lively when the Milkovich siblings were there too, work on getting them back...
Lip asks him if he met his public defender yet and Ian says Geneva and the Gay Jesus donors got him a lawyer, “rich, queer, too much time on his hands since same sex marriage got fixed.”  Um, why is Ian sounding so put out with the guy without even meeting him?  What’s this superiority complex?  
Later Ian walks into GJ church HQ and he’s limping, but I don’t think it’s a continuity error, I think they probably just had him film scenes out of order that day and I think he went a little too hard, LOL.  Anyway, the GJ kids applaud and Geneva hugs him-she’s into it, he’s not.  At the HQ they’re making silk screen shirts with Ian’s face and Gay Jesus signs.  Geneva is once again spouting out statistics, saying how wildly popular the movement is, 77,000 followers in the past five days-One Direction at their height was gaining popularity around the globe like that, not this Gay Jesus shit.  Ian doesn’t seem to be listening too closely to what she’s spewing, and when two body-builder women walk by he asks Geneva who they are.  She says they’re part of the lesbian legion from an MMA gym and adds, “Your gays turned out to be too sweet to handle security.”  Whatever-they keep trying to act like there’s all this dynamic action happening off screen-NO ONE CARES since all we ever see is Ian moping around, looking like Cameron has a headache.
Next time we see Ian he’s walking around outside in his red kicks (really wish we knew the significance of those-are they supposed to be like Jesus’ sandals?  What happened in the cut scene where he left them in the aisle last season?  I only want to know because the show seems to think they mean SOMETHING)-anyway, where’s Ian going?  Why?  We’re never told-great storytelling this ain’t, kids.  A van slows up next to him and a guy leans out and says, “You’re Ian, right?  Gay Jesus?”  How did the guys in the van know where Ian would be walking?  Do they just circle the Gay Jesus church hoping he’ll come out?  Again, we’ll never know.  The guy continues, “I’ve been watching your videos with my friends.  The burning vans, the sermons-it’s inspiring.”  Ian says thanks.  The guy says, “You really think that’s what Jesus was teaching?”  Ian says, “Inclusion, love, acceptance for all?  Yeah, absolutely.”  Then the van guy says, “You don’t think God sees homosexual bestiality as a sinful perversion of His divine creations?”  Ian’s confused, says, “What?”, sees the sliding panel door of the van open, and takes off running, jumping over fences and at some point in his getaway, pulling some muscle in his tight jeans.  
Next time we see Ian he’s sitting alone in the Gallagher kitchen nursing a beer and his thigh.  (No Bible this time-no sign of his pills either.)  Lip comes in and asks him if he’s okay and Ian says he maybe pulled a hamstring running from homophobes.  Lip says, “I guess there’s nothing new about that, right?” and you wonder just when he stopped caring so completely about his brother.  
Ian doesn’t bother to answer, sips his beer instead.  After a minute he quietly asks Lip, “Think you could do hard time?” Lip: In prison?  Uh...rather not.  I: Gay Jesus kids don’t want me to cop a plea.  Want me to take it to trial.  Get as much publicity for the cause as I can. L: What’s your lawyer say? I: Could be looking at 10-15 if I don’t take a deal.  (Me at home, screaming at the TV: WHAT ARE THE CHARGES?  WHY CAN’T THEY EVER TELL US ANYTHING?  WHAT ARE THEY SAYING YOU DID THAT’S ON PAR WITH MICKEY’S BULLSHIT ATTEMPTED 2ND DEGREE MURDER SENTENCE????)
Lip, rather than saying ANYTHING to the brother he’s closest to about maybe not giving up his entire young adulthood to a cause, not saying something like, “You’d be older than the real Jesus got to live till by the time you get out”, not saying if he thinks Ian’s an idiot if he’s even questioning doing hard time in a bad place, no, rather than that, he takes his coffee out of the microwave and comes around the counter to the same side as Ian and says, “You ah, hearing from Shim again?” I: Sometimes.  (Me at home: WHAT?  WHEN?  What does that look like when it happens?) L: Well, what does Shim think? I: Unclear.  (Oh, Ian, are you kidding me?  All this time you thought you were talking to god but you’ve just been playing with a Magic 8 Ball?) L: Xan’s mom showed up today.  (Guess we’re done talking about Ian then!)  She’s a junkie.  Hookin’... I: What are you going to do? L: I don’t know. I: Maybe you should try asking Shim. L: Maybe.  
End scene.  So again, we get tantalizingly close to a discussion about what might be going on inside Ian’s head-is he getting it?  That the Gay Jesus movement is just using him at this point?  Or does he really think going to prison as the highly recognizable face of said movement is going to work out somehow-other than him not dying a painful and brutal death?  And why can’t Lip give enough of a shit to at least ask him not to go?  Fuuuuuuck.  
Next Ian’s back at GJ HQ.  Geneva comes in and says she didn’t see him come in.  He says he came in the back-all the hugging and applause when he comes in the front is kinda weird.  Since Geneva is the only one who ever hugs him, I hope she’s getting the hint.  He’s looking over the “Free Gay Jesus” posters.
Ian: What is this? Geneva: Couple of the arty kids are working out a few ideas for if you do end up in prison. I: Couple assholes in a van chased me last night.  Apparently they’re not very big fans of my interpretation of Bible verse. G: Fuckers.  I’ll get you a couple of lesbian legion body guards.  They’d love nothing more than to a chance to stomp homophobes.  (Because, yeah, THAT was Jesus’ message.) Ian holds up a Che Jesus shirt with an unintentionally hilarious graphic of him wearing a beret-Showtime probably thinks fans want to buy them (I wrote these notes before Steve Howey tweeted he wants one last night.  It got less than a thousand likes, and I bet that number would be less than half if Cam hadn’t replied).  
I: Think any of this is gonna end up making a difference? G: Ian, you’ve given thousands of gay and lesbian teenagers a voice.  (Insert Mickey gif of “Not really tho” here.)  You’ve inspired us to stand up and fight for ourselves.  
So much wrong with so much of that.  First of all, is Geneva LGBT?  She was a runaway who ran away from having to give blowjobs, right, not because her parents kicked her out for being LGBT?  And she’s been crushing on Ian since Day 1, so, probably not “L”, and Wells clearly doesn’t believe in “B”, so who is Geneva to say “us”?  And next, IF Ian/Gay Jesus has given kids “a voice”, what is he saying for them-are the teens really into his whole “Jesus was a junkie”, “my god is non-binary” shouting that they haven’s shown since last year?  Don’t teens get bored and move on to the next thing when their idols aren’t doing anything new?  Lastly, she says they are standing up and fighting for themselves-where, when, how?  
I: Know what I was thinking when I was running away from those bastards?  (Me at home: NO!  We never know what you’re thinking!  That’s the whole damn problem with your storylines!)  It’s been 2000 years since Jesus died on the cross and I’m still running for my life down an alley because I fall in love with men instead of women.  (No, Ian, you’ve only ever loved one (1) man-fucking admit that for once and then get on with your life.  That line should’ve been “have sex with”, no one deserves to be chased down for that either, and it wouldn’t have made me exasperated with Ian over the whole “love” thing, which is a separate issue this show fucking needs to handle before it’s all said and done with Ian.)  
Then one of the GJ kids comes in to report there’s a bunch of Nazi’s keeping people from getting to one of the polls and we don’t see Ian again this episode. But again, I hope that they’re finally having him wake up to the fact that NO ONE cares about him.  The family has washed its hands of him, the Gay Jesus followers WANT him to go to prison (and probably die) and be a martyr for the cause.  Time to ask yourself who is the only person who ever looked at you and actually saw you there, Ian.  The only person to look you in the eye and say, “I love you.”   
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roane72 · 7 years ago
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On Recovery vs. “imagine being neurotypical”
This post really struck a chord in me, and I started to reblog it, but my reply got so lengthy I decided to make my own post.
Because these things seem to require some sort of bonafides, me: 45, fat, white, cis, queer, raised working class and usually struggling to get by financially. I have major depressive order, generalized anxiety, C-PTSD, and ADHD, so obviously I’ll be talking from that perspective.
First off, "recovery” is not like, I dunno, the Emerald City, where you follow the yellow-brick road and you get there and all the answers to your problems are there. (Of course, that wasn’t the case for Dorothy and her friends, either.) You don’t get there and the game ends. For that matter, it’s not even a one-way street. You go backwards, you take detours, you get lost. 
There is no binary state of “recovered/not-recovered”. It’s a spectrum, and not only does it look different on everyone, but the ways to get there are also different. You are the only one who gets to, who can, define what recovery is for you. My recovery may be someone else’s “oh shit, that girl is fucked up.” (Heh. It probably is, in fact.) Part of recovery can often mean redefining your own notion of recovery. 
It’s a vast, undiscovered country with no real roads but a thousand little narrow paths. When we share posts (heh, like this one) talking about our recovery, we’re offering our own personal road maps. “This is how I’m traveling, and it’s working for me. Maybe this path will help you move forward too.”
If I had to boil it all down to one statement, it’s this: Recovery is hard and it means facing and doing incredibly emotionally uncomfortable things, but it is worth every single second.
Phew, that said, here goes.
On top of mocking notions of recovery as “neurotypical”, I see a lot of “well I just can’t do X because I am/have [whatever]”. And yes, there are absolutely some things that our various neurodiverse conditions can prevent us from doing. But “working on recovery” is not usually one of them.
And I’ll preface all of this by saying that YES, being able to access decent mental health care is a HUGE privilege (although jesus, it shouldn’t be), and I’ve been really fortunate in that regard. And yes, I know there are people trapped in truly untenable situations where any sort of progress seems impossible. There are exceptions to everything. But a lot of the time, what we see here on Tumblr isn’t that. It’s someone who is letting their particular condition limit them more than it has to in the name of “being neurodiverse”.
Sometimes it means managing your own expectations, learning to accept that maybe you can’t be/do something you always wanted to be/do. But that doesn’t mean “well then I can’t do anything”--it means you can try to find another path. Or at least accepting that it will take you longer than you’d hoped. (For example, I graduated high school in the top 5% of my class, convinced I would set the world on fire. I am 45, and I am probably never going to get a college degree at this rate, between tuition costs and trying to manage my brain. That was hard to come to terms with for a long time.) 
More often though, it means understanding your strengths and weaknesses and learning how to work with/around them. Like making lists and setting alarms, as someone mentioned. Like keeping on top of your own treatment plans and making sure they’re working for you--and if they’re not, insisting on better/different treatment. And that shit is hard work. It’s hard work that’s made a thousand times harder when you have a brain that is actively trying to sabotage you. It takes a long time. It takes a lot of strength and the willingness to face discomfort. To let yourself do things and fail, and then try something else. It’s hard, and it sucks--but it’s WORTH IT to reclaim your life.
I have been in varying stages of treatment for depression since 1995. In-patient hospitalizations. Partial hospitalizations. Group therapy. Literally years of individual therapy with four different long-term therapists, all of whom taught me a lot and helped nudge me further down the path of recovery. 
Since my initial diagnosis of depression, the alphabet soup of diagnoses has come rolling in on a big greasy “ugh who cooked this mess” trolley. Anxiety in 1999. C-PTSD in 2009. ADHD in 2017. It’s all been a part of figuring out how my brain works and how my life experiences have shaped and been shaped by it all.
I cannot stress enough how developing a tolerance for your own emotional discomfort is a game changer. My biggest breakthrough came in 2010 when my then-therapist finally got me to sit down and really feel all the emotions I was struggling with. Nothing has ever sucked more in my life. For months, literally months, I would have periods where I was so angry I would sit on my couch and angry-sob and shake and throw pillows and yell at my dead mom. I would get so sad that I was convinced I would never ever be happy again. My therapist was right there reassuring me that all of this would pass, and the emotions were only temporary, and all I had to do was let them exist, and feel them. 
I’ve said since that during those months, if I’d been living with anyone, I would’ve looked absolutely out of control and unhealthy. I would’ve looked like I was getting worse, not better. But it was one of the healthiest things I’ve ever done. And it’s not an accident that since then, I have not had a single depressive episode bad enough to land me in the hospital, or even disrupt my life to a huge extent. Before then, through my 30s, I could count on an episode like that at least every year or two. In my 20s? Twice a year. Like clockwork. So even while I was still struggling, I was getting better.
It is almost always possible to get some better. Maybe not “well” (whatever that means). Almost definitely not “completely normal”. With so many mental illnesses in particular, it’s incredibly easy to fall into the all or nothing mindset, to get overwhelmed and think “why should I take a shower or go for a walk today, it’s not going to fix everything/anything.” It’s true. It’s not. Recovery is not ever made up of one magical thing that takes all the difficulty away. It’s all those little tiny steps. One after another, even when it seems like they’re not helping. No matter how awful you feel, there is almost always something you can do to make things even a tiny bit better, and all of those “tiny bit betters” accumulate and make a difference. 
There are bad days. There are days when the shit’s gonna win. Even now, I have “bad brain” days where I’m sad and anxious and unfocused and nothing helps. Those are the days when the only “tiny bit better” you have is to keep telling yourself that how you feel in this moment is not how you’re going to feel forever, no matter what your brain is telling you. Your sadness and anger and fear are not bottomless; they only feel like they are. Knowing that, believing it, is what lets you sit with the crappy emotions and feel them, and then let them go. Even that is enough. Because honestly? Along with coping with emotional discomfort, developing the “emotions are temporary” awareness is the other really really huge step. At least, it was for me.
In summary, I really can only repeat what @docholligay​ said in the post that sparked all this:
And honestly—figuring your shit out feels great. I am million times happier when I have clean clothes and I am well fed and I have accomplished things in my writing life and I am calmer. I HAD TO WORK TO GET THERE. But let me tell you, it is fucking awesome to feel better. Please, please, please do not get trapped in this idea that because your brain works a certain way you are trapped in these behaviors forever. Improvement and recovery are options open to you. Success is open to you. I believe in you, and sometimes, yes, it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to suck. But man, does it feel good when you can look at your accomplishments. Fuck, I get excited when I clean out the fridge.
A-FUCKING-MEN. I could’ve written every word of that.
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crossinginstyle · 7 years ago
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You Really Got a Hold on Me
Here it is! My gift for poca-staks! My prompt was “Pull my hair, Belle.” But admittedly, I couldn’t figure out what to write for that at first. However our chats inspired this, and then it took on a life of it’s own. It’ll take you a couple of chapters to find the actual prompt, but hang in there! Hope you like it!
Title: You Really Got a Hold on Me
Rating: M
Synopsis: Mr. Gold has little in his life to give him meaning since losing everything after the war. Only the occasional visits from the son he so recently found give him any real joy. He’s crippled, angry, and afraid all of the time, but that changes when Belle French walks into his life with a flower painted on her cheek and a shared love of music.  
OR...the one where it’s the 1960s, Gold’s an injured WWII vet, Belle is a peace-loving hippie chick, and they make beautiful music together. :)
Take note that this is NOT a Hook friendly fic. Mentions of drug-use and PTSD.
~~~~~~~
Chapter One
Storybrooke, Maine: 1965.
“Come on man, it’s gotta be worth something!”
Mr. Gold eyed the glass pipe, somewhat phallic in shape, and its merry swirling colors, with a sardonic quirk of one brow.
“I suppose it just might be,” Mr. Gold allowed, his voice still and calm despite his growing annoyance. “But in order for it to be worth something to me, I need to be able to resell it. And despite the eclectic selection here in my shop, I have not yet found the need or desire to sell used drug paraphernalia.”
The dirty looking, sloppy, twenty-something in his flamboyant tie-dye shirt and clashing floral pants, blinked dumbly until Mr. Gold reached the word “drug.”
“Whoa, man, whoa,” he held up his hands in defense. “It’s a pipe for tobacco.”
Gold narrowed his eyes. “And I’m actually a woman underneath this suit.”
The boy’s eyes widened comically. “Whoa, seriously?! Far out!”
“Get out!” Gold snapped, patience officially gone. “And take this damned thing with you!”
“Hey, what’s your bag, man? I don’t judge!”
Gold shoved the water pipe into the protesting youth’s hands and shoved him roughly toward the door. “And don’t come back!” he snarled.
He could still hear the hippie arguing once the door was shut, as if Gold was standing out there listening to him.
Gold sighed and rubbed his face with the hand not holding his cane. Was this really what the world was stuck with as the next generation? A bunch of drugged out, clueless, discontent, yet utterly privileged children?
He’d always sworn he’d never become one of those old men who did nothing but complain about today’s youth and the good ol’ days, but Jesus, the kids were making it hard.
In Gold’s days as a young adult, he’d been in times and places where clean water was a luxury, and a submersed bath was unheard of outside of hasty baptisms in frigid lakes. But these people that walked around today seemed to turn their noses up at such wonders as hot running showers, if the god-awful smell of that delinquent was any indication.
They shouted, and picketed, and cried for change and the end to war, but just what exactly were they actually doing to make a difference?
Now, Gold couldn’t deny that there were brave young men and women currently fighting for their country, and he would defend them till his dying breath. But they were stuck in an even more pointless war than the one that Gold had limped away from, terrified, and angry at the world.
With a sigh, he checked the antique grandfather clock by the counter, realizing that the odorous boy had managed to waste nearly half an hour of his time. But at least it was now past the usual lunch rush, and Gold could head over to Granny’s Diner without having to deal with the dozens of teenagers and young adults that flocked the place in the summer.
He sighed again. Maybe he was becoming one of those old men.
 ***
 “Belle? Beeelle…BELLE!”
Belle gasped, her head snapping up, then winced when the sudden motion caused her neck to pop, and she realized just how long she’d been bent over her book. “Sorry, Ruby,” she said sheepishly, looking around at how empty the diner had become since she’d been lost in her head.
Ruby rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “I’m used to it. What is it you’re reading anyway?”
“It’s really interesting! It’s about World War II, about the concentration camps…”
“Eh,” Ruby grimaced. “That’s so depressing!”
Belle shrugged self-consciously. “I know that, I mean it is, what I mean is it’s interesting…”
“I don’t understand why you’d wanna read about war anyway,” Ruby interrupted again. “Isn’t that what we’re against?”
“Well, yes, of course, but don’t you think that to fight something, you should understand the psyche behind it?”
Ruby eyed her friend for a moment, confusion plain on her face, and Belle sighed.
Belle loved Ruby, she did, and she liked her other friends and the members of their peace coalition, Happy Endings Now, but she often felt like some of the others, Ruby included, just enjoyed peace rallies for the party aspect, but didn’t truly understand what their mission was about.
Belle didn’t start HEN, but since their founding member, a passionate younger woman named Emma, had gone to Boston to further the cause in a bigger city, Belle had been the driving force that kept the coalition alive. She organized the funds, printed flyers, planned the rallies…she truly longed to make a difference in the world. It was the other members who tended to turn the rallies into parties.
“Anyway, I was asking about the next rally,” Ruby continued, as if reading Belle’s thoughts. “What do you think about hiring a band to play?”
“A band?” Belle asked, crinkling her nose. “Ruby, this isn’t a concert, it’s a peace rally! We’re trying to spread our message…”
“To who?” Ruby insisted exasperatedly. “Hardly anyone ever shows up to the rallies anymore, and they pretty much just ignore our protests. But if we lure people in with the promise of fun and music, we can still spread the word!”
Belle opened her mouth to argue before closing it again and biting her lower lip. As much as she hated it, Ruby had a point. In their small town of Storybrooke, everyone pretty much knew everyone, and there was only so much a peace group could do before people started to get bored with them. That was precisely why Emma had left. Belle often wondered if it wasn’t time for her to follow, to get out into the world, to see the world…but at the same time this was her home, and things were so uncertain in the world that it made her hesitant to leave and miss any time that could be spent with her father, and friends, and…well…
But before she could answer, a hulking presence was sliding its way into the booth next to her, making her tense in discomfort.
“Hello, love,” Killian crooned, far too close to her face for comfort.
Killian and his friends, Smith and Gaston, didn’t altogether fit in with their group. Far be it for Belle to ever say so, of course, because that was against her belief that one should never judge based on appearances. But where everyone else embraced the “Flower Power” culture, Killian and his bunch were Greaser rockers...or wannabe rockers, in her opinion.
“Did you talk her into it?” Smith asked Ruby hopefully before receiving a punch in the arm from Gaston.
“Ruby…” Belle began, her voice low and warning.
Ruby shrugged. “What? It’s not like there’s a whole lot of options for groups around here to play at the rally. Not for free, anyway.”
Belle gave her friend a look that said, “really?�� and Ruby at least had the decency to look abashed.
“Come on, Belly,” Gaston pleaded softly, “I think it’d be great for all of us!”
Belle found herself slowly relenting, regardless of how much she loathed the name “Belly.”
Belle and Gaston had dated in high school, and he was – at heart – not a bad guy, but he simply had nothing to offer her intellectually, and only Emma had ever understood why that was important to her, considering what a “catch” most girls thought him to be. And then there was also the matter of his best friend, Killian, a self-proposed ladies’ man who had absolutely no sense whatsoever of what kind of contact is appropriate and what is not, and Gaston was nothing if not a follower. Belle suspected that the only thing that had prevented Killian from trying to get into her pants after her and Gaston’s breakup had been his friendship with the latter.
But that had been many years ago, and she’d been noticing that ever since Emma’s departure, Killian’s eyes were lingering on her longer and longer, and Gaston was either oblivious, or perhaps he’d given his blessing, who knew.
It was widely known, unfortunately, that Belle and Gaston never got any farther than a heavy make-out session or two in the back of his Ford. This was because Killian had pestered Gaston constantly to “pluck that cherry already” which had led to one unfortunate experience in the backroom of Granny’s that resulted in tears.
They were Gaston’s tears. Because Belle had kneed him where it hurt.
And that had been the end of that relationship, even though Belle had accepted his heartfelt apology later on for pushing too hard.
Coming back to the matter at hand, Belle inched away from where Killian’s arm was resting oh so casually on the back of the booth.
“Come on, Belle,” Ruby said. “It wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. And if it doesn’t turn out, then we try something new next time.”
“Yeah, okay,” Belle said with a sigh, feeling outnumbered. She didn’t even need to ask the rest of the coalition to know what their vote on the matter would be. Despite his smarminess, Killian was well-liked in the group.
“Thanks, Belle!” Gaston said, his face lighting up like a little boy’s, making Belle smile despite herself.
“You won’t regret it, love,” Killian murmured in her ear, making Belle cringe away from the smell of marijuana.
“Yeah, we’ll see,” Belle muttered.
“Look who it is,” Smith said suddenly, gesturing toward the entrance.
Belle had a feeling she knew who it was before she looked, but look she did. Mr. Gold was sauntering into the establishment like he owned the place – and he did. But he walked that way everywhere, and Belle, as someone who was always a little unsure of herself, had always admired that about him.
He was dressed in a classic three-piece suit, like always. The only hint that he at all embraced the sixties was his shaggy hair that brushed his collar and hung slightly over his eyes. Eyes that she knew were a warm chocolate brown, even though she’d never been closer than three feet from them.
“When are we setting up a protest there?” Killian asked snidely.
“Where?” Ruby asked.
Killian jerked a finger over his shoulder. “At the geezer’s shop.”
“Why on earth would we protest Mr. Gold’s shop?” Belle asked.
“Why? Because he stands for everything we’re against. Haven’t you heard all the rumors about him from the War? How he killed all those people? The fucker’s proud of being a soldier. Of slaughtering children.”
“I heard he forced a Japanese woman to be his wife,” Ruby said, never able to resist some juicy gossip. “But she killed herself before he could bring her here.”
Belle glanced back over her shoulder, and to her horror, made eye-contact with the man in question. “Stop it!” she hissed, whipping back around. “Those are just vicious rumors and he can hear you!”
“Who cares?” Killian said, raising his voice even louder while Smith guffawed. “We have no use for the likes of him!”
“Ok, Killian, mellow out,” Ruby said nervously, retreating to the counter to look busy.
But Killian wouldn’t quit. “Oh, what’re you so afraid of?” he stood up, and even Gaston and Smith’s eyes widened in unease. “The old man’s afraid of his own shadow.”
With that, Killian spun suddenly, slapping his hand down on the counter with a loud bang!
Mr. Gold, seemingly despite obvious anger, visibly jumped, nearly tripping over his cane, and Killian, Gaston, and Smith broke out into riotous laughter.
“Shut your mouths!” Granny snapped, appearing from the kitchen. “Before I shut them for you!” she handed Gold his order, who accepted it with a gruff thanks before leaving as fast as his limp would allow.
Belle watched him go, heart sinking somewhere in the vicinity of her appendix. Right before he turned to go, his eyes had met hers again, and they appeared almost hurt, like he was sad that she was even with these fools.
“You’re all a bunch of idiots,” Belle hissed, jumping up from the booth when Killian made to sit beside her again.
“Oh, come on, love,” Killian said. “We were only having fun.”
“You think mocking and tormenting someone is fun?”
“It’s not like he doesn’t deserve it,” Gaston tried to defend. “After the things he’s done.”
“No, Belle’s right,” Ruby said. “That wasn’t cool, Killian.”
“Fine, fine,” Killian held up his hands in surrender, though he didn’t look the least bit sorry.
At that time, another of their friends, Will, entered, flinging open the door with a bang like he normally did. Will was a nice enough fellow, though his drug use was legendary.
“Was that Mr. Gold that just left?” he asked. “That spazz just yelled and hurled me outta his shop! And all I wanted was to do some business!”
“See, Killian?” Ruby said. “Mr. Gold’s on the edge. You shouldn’t mess with him.”
Killian probably had more to say on the matter, but Belle was sick of listening, so she left.
 ***
 By the time Gold made it to his shop, his appetite was gone and he was ready to break something. Several somethings.
It wasn’t what that idiotic boy and those others had said. He’d stopped caring about ridiculous rumors and the town’s general disdain for him years ago. No, it was the fact that the leather-clad deviant made him flinch.
And it didn’t help that she’d been there, sitting with them, watching him with those too-big eyes and seeing just how weak and pathetic he was. She was probably laughing at him now.
She…was Belle French, the florist’s daughter. Oh, Gold had no designs on the girl, she was, frankly and rather unfortunately, too young for him. Too young, and far too pure. But she was…she was…she was Belle.
From the time she was a child, she was the only person in town who met Gold at the door to her father’s shop with a smile instead of a scowl or grimace, and neither did she just run and hide like the other children in town did. He’d quietly doted on her for years, asking about the books she constantly carried in her arms, and sometimes bringing her small baubles from his shop. Nothing expensive of course, just things like pretty buttons or cheap brooches. Her father never knew about that of course, because he doubtless would have been very suspicious of the town monster showing any sort of interest – as innocent and passing as it was – to his daughter. But Gold, despite the town’s opinion, was no monster, and he had a high sense of propriety, so any kindness he bestowed upon the cherubic girl was done in the presence and approval of her mother.
Belle’s mother, Collette, had been everything Belle would someday become. Kind, beautiful, and smart. And even if she didn’t outwardly care for Gold, she’d always seemed amused when Belle would rush to the door to greet him enthusiastically.
In a sad turn of events, Collette had passed away right around the time Gold had realized the tiny girl he saw once a month had all of a sudden turned into a stunning young woman. When he’d entered the flower shop that afternoon, Collette’s death had been so recent that he hadn’t even yet heard. Belle was in the shop, arranging flowers, trying to pretend everything was alright.
“Belle?” he said softly, uncertainly, seeing the tears in her puffy red eyes.
With no warning, the small teenager had flung herself into his arms, sobbing for what he wondered was the first time during the whole mess.
Collette had been sick for some time, but no one in town beside her family had known. Collette hadn’t wanted it that way. She didn’t want any pity or sudden fake offers of friendship from people who only wanted to make themselves feel good. And for that, Gold could feel nothing for the woman but respect.
He’d held Belle until her tears finally subsided. But that had been the last time. After that, he distanced himself, because he couldn’t deny that he was becoming more and more attracted to the young woman, and without Collette there to chaperone, he no longer felt it was right to have more contact with her than necessary for the rent, and her father normally handled that part.
If Belle noticed his distance, she never let on. She just continued to be her sunny self, carrying on the way her mother had wanted her too, and it wasn’t long before Belle became as covered in flowers as the shop she helped run. They were on her clothes, in her hair, often painted on her face. He’d rolled his eyes when she joined up with that silly hippie peace group, but he knew she’d always been a bit of an outsider, and figured that it was harmless enough way to fit in.
And he’d even been pleased to hear when she started going with that boy Gaston, since even though the boy had been a few matches short of a book, he was a harmless enough sort, or so he thought. Gold had just been glad to see Belle thriving, even from a distance. And when he’d heard of the event that led to their breakup, he’d been in equal terms furious at the cock-headed boy, and proud of little Belle for the way she’d dealt with him.
So yes, even though she was just the Girl from the Flower Shop, Gold hated that she’d been witness to just how cowardly he really was.
He jumped again, slightly, when the bell above his door rang to announce a customer, and he growled at himself.
“I’m closed for lunch,” he began testily, brushing aside the curtain that separated the backroom from the rest of his shop, then froze when he saw who’d entered his shop.
“I…I’m sorry,” Belle said, half-turning toward the door as if she was ready to flee if need be. He’d never given her a reason to fear him, had he? “I won’t bother you…I just…”
“No, it’s alright,” he said, his voice softer. She calmed instantly, recognizing the tone of voice only she and her mother had ever been treated to, to her knowledge. “How can I help you, Miss French?”
“I don’t need anything,” Belle said, shrugging her shoulders, and also sort of pulling them in on herself. He took just a moment to take in her attire; a loose dress in a vivid floral design with flowing long sleeves, and a hemline that…dear God…it barely went down far enough to keep her from being indecent!
She seemed to be aware of this, because she was bent slightly forward, and her hands were tugging at her hem, so Gold snapped his eyes back up to her face, where her hair was held back by a wide headband, and mentally berated himself for ogling the poor girl’s legs. It was just that…she had very nice ones.
“It’s just…” Belle continued, as if he hadn’t been staring. “I’m sorry about the way Killian and the others were behaving.”
All thoughts of her legs fled his mind as he snorted in derision. “And why do you feel it’s your responsibility to apologize for them?”
“I don’t!” she said, bristling slightly. “I was just…I mean, they’re members of my coalition, I associate with them, so I just didn’t want you to think their behavior reflects how I feel.”
Gold chose to ignore the way she said “how I feel,” and instead decided to go with good old reliable sarcasm. “Ah yes, the henpeckers.”
Belle scowled, and damned if she wasn’t beautiful when she did that. “That’s HEN. H.E.N. It stands for…”
“I know what it stands for, Dearie,” he interrupted. “Although it should probably stand for something like, ‘Hippies Educating No-one.’ Tell me, just what do you seriously think you’re going to accomplish by going around and waving signs that say ‘love, not war?’”
Belle’s fists were clenched, and she straightened up to her full-height, which was still impossibly small. “This war we’re fighting is pointless! They all are! We’re sending boys to die for a cause that doesn’t exist! All we’re trying to do is make sure everyone knows that when we do find the power to end all this fruitless fighting, we will end it!”
Gold hated to admit it, but her passionate declaration was convincing, and he could imagine her being very moving during a speech. “But what are you going to do to find this supposed power? You can’t accomplish a damned thing just protesting everything that displeases you.”
Suddenly, and to his dismay, Belle deflated. “I know that,” she admitted. “All we can really do is try to make the next generation a better one. But how can we do that if we don’t try to make sure everyone in our generation is on the same side?”
Gold folded both his hands on his cane, eying the petite ball of fire before him. She didn’t flinch under his scrutiny, and it pleased him to see that she wasn’t truly afraid of him after all. “I see your point,” he allowed.
He may as well have told her that she’d made him see the light and he wanted to join her coalition for all she lit up in victory. “I don’t suppose I could convince you to come to the rally?” she asked slyly. “See what it’s really about?”
“With that pathetic excuse for a rock band playing?” he scoffed. “I think not.”
“Yeah, it’s probably gonna be a drag, isn’t it?”
“I guess?”
Belle giggled, making him have to bite back a smile of his own. “What kind of music do you like, Mr. Gold?”
Gold blinked in momentary confusion. He’d thought that he had been successfully putting her off him by first talking down about her group, and then sneering at the idea of attending one of her infernal rallies. But now she was stepping closer, eyes roving the cluttered walls with interest, taking in the assortment of instruments hanging from the far wall.
“I’m not too fond of what passes for music these days,” he said truthfully.
“Then what do you like?” she asked again.
He hesitated, but before the thought was fully formed in his mind, he was moving toward an old record player set up near the back of the shop. It was technically for sale, but he had it hidden in a way that few people ever noticed it. When his son had expressed interest in playing it while he was there, Gold had set it aside so that it wouldn’t be as likely to sell.
He was silent as he fiddled with the ancient thing, too-aware of her eyes watching his every move, but his nerves settled with the soothing sound of Nat King Cole.
“Jazz,” she said with a half-smile. “For some reason, I wouldn’t have pegged you for a jazz man.”
He smirked. “More like blues, but I’m sure there’re many things you don’t know about me.”
“That so?” she asked, and if he didn’t absolutely know better, he could have almost sworn she was flirting.
“I suppose you’re mad for those Beatles,” he said, cursing the wobble in his voice.
“I wouldn’t say mad, but what’s not to like? They’re not my favorite, though.”
“Oh? And what is?”
She took a cursory glance at his selection of records, but he could have told her that he didn’t have anything from after 1955. “I’ll bring you a couple of mine,” she said decidedly. “You might like them.”
He hummed. “I don’t know about that.”
“Just you wait,” she said, grinning. “I’ll bring you around to the 60s yet!”
He rolled his eyes, but with none of his usual snide.
“I better be going,” she almost sounded regretful. “Promised Dad I’d do some arrangements today.”
“A…alright.”
“But I’ll come back with some records, yeah?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
With one last smile as bright as the colors on her dress, she was gone, leaving Gold to wonder just what the hell had just happened.
 Chapter 2
Between planning the rally and working at the flower shop, Belle wasn’t able to visit Gold again right away. She’d left his shop that afternoon feeling strange…but in a good way.
For as long as she could remember, she’d harbored a crush on the pawnbroker. But it’d been just that, a silly, childish crush. When she’d been thirteen, she’d declared to her mother in no uncertain terms that she was going to marry Mr. Gold someday.
Instead of arguing the logic of such a statement, or blowing it out of proportion like her father would have done, her mother had only chuckled and commented that Mr. Gold seemed wealthy enough to give her a nice wedding.
“But isn’t he a bit old for you?” she had asked her daughter at length.
“He’s younger than Papa,” Belle had said, as if that was all that mattered. “And he’s handsome, and nice, and smart, and he likes books.”
Collette had wrapped her daughter up in a warm hug, squeezing tight. “I know, my darling Belle, that you are going to find someone someday who is all of that and more.”
“I don’t need to,” Belle said firmly. “I already found him!”
Collette had sighed in indulgent submission, and that had been that.
But outside girlish fantasies, Belle had never given serious thought to Mr. Gold until her argument with him in the pawn shop. For the first time, he’d spoken to her like the adult she was. He’d been snarky and derisive, the way he was with everyone, but he hadn’t been dismissive. No, there’d been a spark of something…like a challenge in his eyes. Like he was hoping she would stand up to him, and when she did, he became like a totally different person. Smirking one minute, and stammering over his words the next.
She couldn’t stop thinking about him, about the way his long fingers wrapped around the handle of his cane, about how he tossed the hair out of his eyes while he was talking.
He was a slim man, and on the short side, though still a good few inches above her, not that that was saying much. She liked that about him though. Gaston had been so much taller than her that he’d had to literally stoop to kiss her.
With Gold, she would simply have to wrap her arms around his neck and…
Belle stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, mentally shaking herself. What was she thinking? But then, she supposed it was harmless to imagine, since it would never come to be. Gold had known her since she was a child, for goodness sake. There was no way he could ever see her that way.
But then again, she was pretty sure he’d been staring at her legs at one point.
She glanced at her watch, and decided that since she’d finished up with her dad early, she still had a couple of hours before the rally. If she got ready quickly, she’d have plenty of time to swing by Gold’s with those records.
Showered and dressed in record time, she gave herself a last once-over in the mirror before heading out. She regretted that her outfit didn’t exactly make her look “mature.” She had on her favorite yellow dress, one of her shortest too, but she just adored the color. It was sleeveless, with a high neckline to make up for the short hemline. She usually paired it with tights, but the weather tonight was warm, and she remembered again Gold’s eyes on her legs that day.
It was her face that really betrayed her youth. She was twenty-six, so maybe she was getting a little old to paint flowers on her face, but the rally was a special occasion. That though, with the pale pink lipstick, and the feathers in her flat-ironed hair, she looked all of eighteen, if that.
With a helpless shrug, she donned her fringed suede vest, grabbed her records, and raced down the stairs. She kissed her dad on the cheek in goodbye, and in a spur of the moment decision, snatched a rose from the front display.
She held the rose to her nose as she hurried down the sidewalk, trying to let its scent settle her nerves.
When Belle reached the shop, she was surprised to open the door and find that Gold’s shop wasn’t empty.
She didn’t know why she was surprised, it was during business hours, after all.
She supposed the surprise came from the fact that it was Jefferson Carroll there, and he was talking to Gold like they were old friends.
Jefferson lived on the outskirts of town, and everyone thought he was a little strange. He wasn’t ostracized the way Gold was, but it was well-known that he suffered from some sort of mental disorder, so people gave him wide berth.
Belle had never had much contact with him, but she’d never found any reason to distrust or dislike him in any way. In fact, she’d always thought he was rather funny. He was older than her, but younger than Gold. She wasn’t exactly sure how old, because she suspected that he looked younger than he was, the way she did.
“Belle,” Gold said when he saw her, his voice going soft, which made Jefferson spin around to face her.
“Hi,” she began shyly. “I don’t mean to interrupt…”
“No, no, I was just leaving,” Jefferson said, with a rather disconcerting grin that he aimed first at her, and then at Gold, who scowled in return, then back at her again. “Rally tonight, huh?” he asked her.
“Yeah!” she said, trying to ignore his almost mad expression. “It’s shaping up to be a big one! A lot of people from out of town have been showing up.”
“Good, good,” he nodded thoughtfully. “Might have to come check it out for myself.”
“Far out!” Belle exclaimed. “Hope I’ll see you there!”
Jefferson donned, of all things, a top hat, which he then tipped to her, and proceeded to exit the shop. She smiled at his retreating form in bemusement before turning back to Gold, finding him looking less than pleased.
“Friend of yours?” she asked.
“Hardly,” Gold replied with a roll of his eyes. “He likes to come in and pester me, occasionally.”
“Sounds like a friend,” Belle said, giggling.
Whatever cloud that had dampened his mood seemed to lift, and he gave a half smile. “And to what do I owe this pleasure?”
She held up the records in her hands. “I promised, remember?”
Gold eyed the squares of cardboard warily. “Oh, very well, how bad can it be?”
“Not bad at all I’ll have you know!” she insisted, heading over toward the record player. She hesitated though once she was already reaching for the arm, wondering at her own audacity for going around like she owned the place. But a quick glance behind her assured that Gold was only watching her with amusement and…yeah, she was definitely not imagining the way his eyes lingered on her thighs.
“And what do we have here?” he asked, coming up closer behind her to peer over her shoulder.
“We have the Temptations, Aretha Franklin, and this…” she popped on the first record and carefully set the needle on. “Is Marvin Gaye.”
Gold looked fully ready to scoff at her choices, but it wasn’t long at all before a somewhat far-away look came over his face, and all of a sudden he looked years younger.
“Soul,” she said quietly, so not to talk over the music. “Kind of the love child of Jazz, I think?”
“It’s no Frank Sinatra,” he grumbled, unconvincingly.
“Well, we can’t all be Frank Sinatra.”
He huffed an almost-chuckle. “What about the others?”
 Belle ended up spending the better part of two hours on the floor of Mr. Gold’s shop, looking through records, listening to music – both hers and his, and Belle listened eagerly as he told her about concerts he was able to attend while stationed.
“They would come perform for us,” he said. “Lift our spirits, I suppose. And it worked. There’s nothing like music to sooth a soul.”
“It’s important to you, isn’t it?” Belle asked. “Music, I mean.”
He shrugged. “Once upon a time, I suppose it was.”
“Do you play? Or sing?”
His eyes went to something over her shoulder, and she twisted around to look at the big wooden box she was leaning against. She sat up on her knees and lifted the corner of the canvas sheet that was draped over it, realizing that it was old upright piano.
“Do you play?” she asked again, her voice rising in excitement.
“Once upon a time,” he repeated.
“I would love to hear you play sometime,” she said shyly, lifting a hand to brush her hair behind her ear.
She jumped slightly when his hand shot out and stopped her before her fingers touched her face. He seemed to realize what he’d done too late and snatched his hand away as if burned, his face turning a charming shade of red. “S…so sorry,” he stammered. “I only…you were about to…to smudge your flower.”
Now it was her turn to blush, and she had to fight herself from trying to brush her hair away again in nervousness. “Oh! Thank you! That would have been a drag!”
He chuckled, at her word usage most likely. “Yes, well, you probably ought to get going, if you want to make your rally.”
She gasped and leapt to her feet, stumbling a little on legs that were asleep. She looked down to find Gold staring hard at the Aretha Franklin record spin around, and his face was absolutely puce. She realized, embarrassingly, that in her rush to get to her feet she must have given him a bit of a show. Shouldn’t have forgone the tights.
She held out a hand to help him up, but he ignored it and managed to get to his feet with little problem if not a little pain. “I almost forgot,” she said quietly, bending (carefully) down to pick up the forgotten rose before handing it out to him with a smile. “If you’ll have it?”
He chuckled. “Such a Flower Child,” he took the rose, his fingers brushing hers, and she nearly gasped at the feeling.
“S…sure you won’t come out to the rally?” she asked, for the first time truly wishing he would, though she could quite put a finger on why. “Even if it’s just to deride the band?”
“Ah, no, though you make it sound tempting. What do they call themselves, anyway?”
Belle rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. “The Killings.”
“A play on Killian Jones’s name I’m sure. How lovely.”
“Well…it was nice talking to you, Mr. Gold,” she backed away toward the door, not really wanting to leave at all.
“Don’t forget your records,” he said, bending to pick them up.
“You can borrow them,” she said. “I’ll come back for them later.”
He smiled at that, a real smile, one that made her feel oddly warm, and nodded.
 Gold stood, staring at the door for a full and embarrassing three minutes after Belle had left. What in the world was happening to him? Since when did he spend hours sitting on the dirty floor listening to albums like a teenage girl?
But when Belle had plopped gracelessly down, showing an alarming lack of concern for her short dress, he’d been helpless to follow her lead, trying to lower himself down as smoothly as possible to not draw attention to how old and lame he was.
He’d always known Belle to be a little ray of sunshine, and an intelligent one at that, but he’d never realized just how expansive that mind was. She was incredibly knowledgeable about music, and not just what was popular and when. She admitted to having read several books on music theory and could recognize subtle changes in tempo and rhythm that made a large impact on a song. So she was not only knowledgeable, she had an ear. And when she had softly sung along to Billie Holiday, her voice – while untrained – was low and throaty, and it had enflamed something in Gold that he honestly didn’t know was there.
He’d even offered up a small anecdote about the concerts and USO Girls from his time in the army, something unheard of for him, and she’d been attentive and interested, but didn’t ask questions about the war or his injury. He didn’t, however, lose himself enough to mention another pair of musicians that were popular at base.
He’d been unable to keep his eyes off her for long, and it made him feel like such a lecher. But she’d only smiled and giggled, which pushed that little yellow daisy on her cheek up toward her eye, and he found that entrancing for some reason, along with the feathers and ribbons strung through her hair and dangling from her ears. And then of course there was when she stood up again, and someone should really tell her to take more care, because he was treated to a sight that wasn’t meant for him. But damned if he’d forget about it anytime soon.
He was still facing the door when it suddenly opened again, and his heart leapt into his throat, hoping for an absurd moment that she’d come back, but it was just his idiotic “friend.”
“What do you want now?” he groaned, heading back to the safety of the counter. “I thought you said you were going to the rally.”
“I’m on my way, now,” Jefferson said, sidling up to the counter with a worrisome gleam in his eyes. He’d changed out of his suit and stupid hat and exchanged it for a more fashionable pair of bell-bottom jeans and suede jacket. Certainly more suitable for a hippie peace party. “Just swung by to collect you.”
“Me?” Gold asked incredulously. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told the young woman, I don’t think so.”
“The young woman,” Jefferson echoed with an abysmal attempt to mimic his accent. “You mean Belle French? The young woman who I just saw leave your shop some two hours after I saw her enter?”
“Get that look off your face and that thought out of your mind,” Gold warned.
Jefferson gasped in mock offense. “What thought? I only wonder at just what business she could have been completing with you that would take so long!”
“She brought some albums to show me. And then stayed around to listen to them with me, we got to talking and just lost track of time. That’s all.”
“You like her,” Jefferson said with a wide Cheshire Cat grin.
“Of course I do,” Gold said with a huff. “And you know full-well I do, I’ve always been rather fond of the girl.”
At this, Jefferson threw back his head and laughed theatrically. “Fond of the girl, my ass! For one, in case you haven’t noticed, and like hell you haven’t, Belle is hardly a ‘girl’ anymore. Hasn’t been for a long time. For two, being you and spending two hours talking on the floor with someone goes way beyond fondness, and for three, four, AND five, did you even SEE the way she was looking at you?!”
“What way was that?” Gold asked, genuinely wondering, because he certainly hadn’t noticed her looking at him in any way she didn’t look at anyone else. “And…wait a minute…how did you know that we…were you spying?!”
But Jefferson only shrugged, unapologetic. “Old habits. Just looking out for my best friend, that’s all!”
“We are not best friends.”
“Well, maybe I’m not your best friend, I think I’ve been officially usurped by a tiny flower flinger, but you’re mine, and that’s not something you can dictate. So get over it.”
Gold groaned and covered his face with one hand. “If I don’t argue, will you leave?”
“You should come,” Jefferson insisted. “What better way to impress a woman than showing up to support her cause?”
“Because I don’t support her flimsy cause,” Gold said. “Belle may be perfectly well-meaning, but most of those other fools don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, and all they truly care about is getting stoned and having a party. And besides that, I’m a well-known Army veteran with a less-than-stellar reputation. Not exactly a welcome presence on its own. Never mind the fact that everyone in this town despises me.”
“She knows full well that you’re a vet,” Jefferson argued. “And me too, but she invited us both. Who gives a flying fuck what those other dirty hippies think? You can be seen with her, showing support to her if not the cause, and she’ll like that.”
Gold tried to formulate a proper argument, but quite frankly, he didn’t have one. He just kept thinking of her glowing smile, and that damned daisy on her cheek, and how he would perhaps like to see her having fun the way a young person should.
And there it was. Gold would show up, see her dancing and partying and drinking with her friends, maybe even a handsome young man, and then he could stop having delusions of ever having a relationship with her other than that of friends. And Jefferson would see too, and maybe he’d finally leave him alone.
“Fine,” Gold said at last. “I’ll show up, look around, say hello to Belle, and then I’m leaving, with or without you.”
“Works for me!” Jefferson exclaimed, bouncing up and down like a child. “Want a lift to your house?”
“My house? I thought we were going to the rally!”
“Well, yeah, but you need to get dressed.”
Gold looked down at what he was wearing, which was one of his best suits. Perhaps he was a little rumpled from sitting on the floor, but he just couldn’t imagine that any of the people at the rally would notice or care. “I am dressed,” he said.
“Yeah, for church,” Jefferson sighed. “This is an outdoor rally and concert. You don’t wear three-piece suits to an outdoor concert.”
“I am not going to a concert,” Gold said, sneering. “I said I would see Belle and then leave. Hell will freeze over before I watch that Jones boy squawk into a microphone.”
“Well, obviously we’re not going to watch those knuckleheads play, I’ve heard them, and trust me, they’re awful. But you have to at least look the part.”
“I’m not playing any part!”
“I’m not saying you should go out and tie-die all your shirts! But I know damn well that you own jeans.”
“Jefferson Carroll, I am not, under any circumstances, going to let you truss me up like some kind of paper doll just to fulfill whatever sick fantasy you have running through that demented head of yours. So forget it.”
 An hour later found Gold grumbling every curse word he’d ever learned, both in English and Scots, as he followed Jefferson to a large stage area near the beach, wearing fitted jeans, a dark red turtleneck, and a brown blazer. Quite literally the most casual clothes he owned, and the turtleneck had been a gift from Jefferson and never worn.
“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” he hissed under his breath.
“Oh come on, hang loose. You look good. Groovy!”
Gold gave him a look, and Jefferson had the decency to back away.
The concert was already in full swing, the greasers on stage shouting indiscernible lyrics to an equally indiscernible tune, while the audience cheered and waved the typical banners covered in peace signs.
“They can’t possibly think this is good music,” Gold said, having to raise his voice to be heard over the racket.
“No way,” Jefferson agreed. “They were probably already stoned out of their minds before they got here. Look at them, most of these people aren’t even from Storybrooke.”
“That’s supposed to be a good thing for Belle. Spread the word, or whatever.”
“Yeah, but they look like they’re just looking for the next party.”
Now that he mentioned it, the crowd looked pretty rowdy, and he was a little worried for Belle.
“What are those people doing?” he asked in disgust and shock, nodding toward a half-naked pair coupling in the relative shadows of the trees.
“They are having public sex, my friend.”
“It was rhetorical, Jefferson.”
“Jeff!...Gold?! Is that you?!”
They turned around to see Dr. Whale of all people, decked out in blinding colors, clashing patterns, and absurd little round red sunglasses that must have him nearly blind in the dark. Trailing behind him was the town’s resident therapist, Dr. Hopper.
“Hey, Victor,” Jefferson called, nodding. “Archie.”
“Did he drag you here, too?” Gold asked Archie, who looked about as comfortable as Gold felt – which was not at all.
“Yes,” Archie said, giving his friend a sideways look. “And I’m fully regretting it. This is…this is an orgy! I can’t be seen here! I’ll lose all credibility!”
“Nah,” Victor waved him off. “If anything people will be more inclined to come to you! You’re relatable!”
“I’m too old for this!”
“You heard him,” Gold said. “And if he’s too old, I’m damn right geriatric, come on, Hopper.”
Archie brightened up at the idea of escape, but Jefferson blocked their way. “Uh, uh, uh, you haven’t even seen Belle yet! Remember? The whole point of coming?”
“Belle?” Victor said; face alight like a teenage girl who’d just received some juicy gossip. “Belle French? Gold, old man, are you scheming on Belle French?”
“I am not scheming on anyone,” Gold snarled. “And please, talk like the grown man you are, and not a homecoming queen.”
“There she is,” Archie said, pointing toward the stage.
“The Killings” were wrapping up their song, and Belle was stepping confidently over to the microphone.
“Let’s hear it for The Killings!” she exclaimed.
The crowd erupted into cheers, while Gold, Jefferson, Victor, and Archie gave slow, sarcastic claps.
Jones winked at the crowd, making a few girls squeal in delight, then he hooked a hand around Belle’s waist, yanked her toward him and kissed her sloppily on the cheek.
Gold saw red, especially when Belle couldn’t keep the grimace off her face and discreetly pushed at him ineffectively. Jefferson laid a hand on his shoulder, as if to stop him from rushing for the stage, but he only clenched his cane in a white-knuckle grip and envisioned all the ways he could make Jones’ life miserable.
Jones let her go, and followed his bandmates off the stage, tossing a sweat-soaked bandana at the screaming girls as if he were Elvis fucking Presley and not just some untalented hack.
Belle recovered quickly, and her smile once again turned blinding. “I want to thank everyone for coming out tonight, and I hope everyone has an awesome time!” more cheering. “Happy Endings Now is a group on a mission: to bring hope and love to a world in desperate need of both! To bring an end to ruthless and needless fighting and to bring our soldiers home for good!” At this, Gold found himself clapping more genuinely. “Stop fighting our parents’ wars, and give birth to a better world…one where love reigns!”
The crowd went wild, to Gold’s approval, and Belle’s smile was resplendent.
“Ok, I get it,” Victor said, nodding sagely, as they all watched Belle skip off the stage to launch herself into the excited arms of Ruby Lucas. “I mean, you’re gonna make a fucking weird couple, but I definitely see your end of things.”
“You’re as bad as Jefferson,” Gold groaned. “We’re not now, nor will we ever be a couple. I’ve known her her whole life. We’re friends, just…”
“Mr. Gold?!”
Gold nearly swallowed his tongue, his sentence trailing off in an embarrassing squeak. How did she skirt around the sizable crowd to get to them so fast? He turned around, cursing his face for flushing, and his feet for almost stumbling in the damp grass. He could hear Victor and Jefferson chuckling behind him.
If Belle’s smile on stage was one thing, the one she was directing at him was something else entirely, and he wondered dimly if he was having a heart attack, and was glad a doctor was standing next to him.
“You came!” she cried, her voice rising several octaves. “You acted like you wouldn’t be caught dead here! And…” she suddenly looked down, seeming to take in his attire for the first time, her eyes widening. “You look…great!”
“Uh…” Gold stammered. “Jefferson dragged me…he…”
“Oh don’t listen to him,” Jefferson said, waving him off. “I didn’t have to drag him anywhere. I only mentioned that it would make you happy if he made an appearance, and he decided he would!”
Belle’s eyes flitted back to Gold, and though the glow from the fairy lights strung from the trees was dim, her cheeks under the yellow daisy brightened. “Really?” she asked sweetly.
“Um…yes?”
“Belle, whoa, when you took off there was a cloud of dust like the Roadrunner,” Ruby was saying, catching up to her. “What did you…Mr. Gold?!”
“He came to see the rally!” Belle said excitedly. “He and his friends!”
Gold balked, and Victor smirked while Jefferson gasped audibly in absurd joy and Archie just chuckled. “They’re not my friends.”
Ruby didn’t look impressed, however. “Yeah but…Belle? Could I talk to you for a minute?”
“But, Ruby…”
“You go on,” Gold said. “You probably ought to make rounds, hm?”
Belle regretfully let Ruby start to drag her away. “You’ll stick around a while, though?” she asked.
Gold smiled at her. “Yeah, I’ll be here.”
Belle gifted him with another radiant smile and turned to follow her friend. Gold turned back around himself to find Jefferson grinning at him triumphantly, Archie smiling knowingly, and Victor following the girls with his eyes until Archie nudged his arm.
“Huh? What?” Victor caught Gold’s glare. “What? I was looking at Ruby!”
“Can we go now?” Gold pleaded to Jefferson.
“You can’t go!” Archie said urgently. “You just told Belle you’d be around!”
“He’s right,” Victor agreed. “You have to see her at least one more time.”
“Do you realize what you all sound like?” Gold groaned, throwing up his hand in exasperation. “This isn’t some teen romance flick. Belle isn’t going to come looking for me or anything. It’s a large crowd, it’s not like it’ll be obvious when I leave.”
“Not look for you?” Jefferson scoffed. “Didn’t you see her face when she saw you? It was like she was looking at Santa, a unicorn, and, I dunno, a cart full of free books all at once. She was thrilled!”
Gold rolled his eyes. “She was probably just amazed to see me do anything a human might do. I’m sure her friend is talking some sense into her now and they’re sharing a good laugh.”
“Will you just accept the fact that the girl likes you?” Jefferson asked, laughing. “I mean come on, I don’t think you realize the allure you have…”
“Stop it.”
“He’s right,” Victor agreed, his finger touching his chin thoughtfully. “You have a certain je ne sais quoi.”
Archie nodded, as well.
“I will evict all of you.”
“You’re not my landlord,” Jefferson said.
“I will buy your house…and then I will evict you.”
“Love you too, man.”
 “Belle, what the hell?” Ruby said, dragging her friend by the arm over to a tent where they were passing out literature.
“What?” Belle asked. “And could you stop yanking my arm?”
“You were…mooning all over Gold! And what is he even doing here? We don’t want people like him and Jefferson here!”
“A: I wasn’t mooning over Mr. Gold. B: Dr. Whale and Dr. Hopper are military veterans too. Your own grandmother was a combat nurse.”
“A nurse is very different from a soldier,” Ruby argued. “And Victor and Archie were drafted. Gold and Jefferson enlisted.”
“How would you even know that?” Belle asked. “And what does it matter? World War II was entirely different from Vietnam, and wanting to serve your country is anything but a crime!”
“All war is wrong!” Ruby insisted, picking up a folded paper from the table. “Says so right here in this pamphlet that you wrote.”
“I didn’t say that that war was somehow right, but it was a different time then. And our fight is against the government for sending our friends to the front lines, not against the soldiers in battle. They all deserve our respect.”
“Sounds like hypocrisy to me.”
“It’s not hypocrisy, Ruby, it’s just knowing what you’re really fighting for. Sometimes I don’t think you even know what you’re fighting for.”
Ruby scowled, putting her hands on her hips. “Who’re you to tell me what I know or don’t know? Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t know what she’s fighting for!”
“At least I’m not trying to tell you who to be friends with!”
Ruby flapped her hands in the air with a growl and stalked away without another word. Belle fumed, wanting to follow her to yell at her some more, but knowing that it was best to let her go before they said things they’d regret.
“What’s wrong love?”
Belle groaned inwardly…and a little outwardly…cringing when she felt a heavy arm sling around her shoulder. “Go away, Killian.”
“Maybe you two should just kiss and make up?” Killian suggested slyly.
Belle shoved his arm off of her. “It would happen long before I kissed you.”
Killian held up a plastic cup, filled with some unknown liquid. “Here, the rally is a hit. That’s all that matters, right? You should celebrate!”
Belle eyed the cup wryly, glancing down at the joint in his other hand. “No, thanks.”
“It’s beer,” Killian said with a roll of his eyes. “And I haven’t even taken a sip. Mellow out, will you?”
But Belle still refused to accept the cup, until Gaston snatched it away, took an obvious sip of it himself, before offering it to her again. Belle sighed and took the drink. “Shouldn’t you all be getting back on stage?”
“Kiss for luck?” Killian asked, leaning forward.
“Go,” Belle groaned, turning away.
Gaston shrugged apologetically and followed his friend toward the stage. Belle growled in frustration, taking a large sip of beer. It was good, and the alcohol was quick to soothe her rattled nerves. She was angry at Ruby, and by extension didn’t especially want to go hang out with their mutual friends. From where she stood she could see Ashley, Thomas, Aurora, and Philip dancing dazedly, and she frowned at the realization that they were on something.
She’d experimented lightly with marijuana years prior, but had decided quite firmly that she didn’t like the feeling. She didn’t judge others for it, of course, and she didn’t mind her friends smoking, but she strongly suspected that some of them had begun to move on to much more dangerous drugs, and that she didn’t like at all.
She could see Ariel and her boyfriend, Eric, too, but they were locked in an embrace that was quickly becoming indecent, so Belle certainly didn’t want to interrupt them.
She decided finally to see if she couldn’t hunt down Mr. Gold and his friends again. She hadn’t known that the four of them were friends, but it made sense to her, all four veterans of the same war.
Belle wandered back toward the back of the concert, guessing that they probably hadn’t moved that far, sipping her beer as she went. She thought about what Jefferson had said about the reason Gold had come. Had he really shown up just for her? But then, why else would he have come? He’d made no secret of his disdain for HEN and the rallies. And he was perfectly entitled to his opinion. And he certainly had no love for anyone else here, so why else would he come if not just for her?
It was a heady feeling, and Belle took another sip, fortifying her courage and imagining all the ways she could thank him for coming.
She giggled to herself, then giggled again because the first one sounded funny.
Was it her imagination or did the music start sounding better? She looked up at the stage and immediately regretted it, because the lights started…swirling…on their own.
Her mouth felt dry, so she took another sip, but the cup felt weird in her hand. She looked down, staring hard at her nearly-empty beer, fear sinking into her gut.
She had no doubt that Killian would try something as skeevy as drugging her, but surely Gaston wouldn’t do that to her? He could be a jerk at times, but he wasn’t cruel. He’d taken a sip…hadn’t he?
Belle kept walking, dropping the cup and dimly feeling the rest of its contents splash her legs. She thought maybe she could just walk it off…just keep walking…snap out of it, Belle! Mind over matter!
She had apparently started walking into the crowd instead of around it, and the push of moving bodies swarmed around her like waves over a rock. They all squirmed around her…like worms. She was in a pit of worms…or maybe snakes…
A snake person in front of her was talking to her, and she blinked dumbly until the snake turned into Ashley.
“I think I need help,” Belle said, and her voice sounded wrong, like someone else was talking for her and she was just a puppet.
“What’s wrong?” Ashley asked, but her voice sounded far…far away.
“I have to get out of here!” Belle yelled. “Everything is wrong! God…the colors are too bright!”
Ashley laughed, but it sounded like a hyena. “Belle! Are you tripping?! Righteous! Sean, come check it out!”
Belle shook her head, pushing away from the hyena. The music felt like it was pressing on her…she actually felt it…
She was vaguely aware that she was hyperventilating, but she could barely feel it.
“What’s a matter, love?”
Belle frowned, squinting her eyes to make out the shape of Killian before her. They were on the outskirts of the crowd, and she didn’t remember getting there, but the music was still playing. Who was on stage if Killian wasn’t?
“What did you give me?” she asked, and her voice sounded like a rock. She giggled, how could a voice sound like a rock?
Killian giggled too, which made her laugh some more.
“Come ‘ere, love, I’ll make you feel better.”
She felt something warm and slimy on her neck. A slug! She had a slug on her neck! She wriggled away from it, trying to dislodge its biting teeth. “No!” she moaned.
“You’re going to want to release her…immediately!”
All at once the slug was gone, and Belle blinked dazedly as something she didn’t fully understand happened in front of her. Killian was on his back, yelling at a dark figure standing menacingly above him. But, strangely enough, the menacing dark figure instilled no fear in her. In fact, it made her feel calm, so she stared hard at it, willing it to stay within sight and not leave her in this pit of snakes, hyenas, and slugs.
“Belle? Belle, hon, are you ok?” the voice talking to her wasn’t a bad sound, not a hyena or a snake or a slug, but it wasn’t coming from the dark thing, so she ignored it.
“Adam! Get over here! She’s wigged out on something!”
“Belle?” the voice talking to her now filled her with such a warm feeling, that she wanted to cry, so she leaned toward it hungrily. A face loomed into her field of vision and she finally recognized the dark figure for who he was.
“Mr. Gold!” she cried out, flinging herself at him. He grunted softly, but his arms came around her at once and held her. “Tighter,” she begged into his chest. “I’m gonna fall apart!”
The arms tightened obligingly, and she breathed in relief.
“Jefferson!” he snapped. “Go back and get Whale! Now!”
“Don’t leave me,” Belle mumbled, feeling sleepy.
“Never, my Belle,” he said softly. “I’ve got you. You’re safe. I promise.”
  Chapter 3
Archie returned with two cups in each hand, looking harried. “I was offered a recreational drug three times on my way to the refreshment stand and back.”
“Careful, Arch,” Victor said, accepting his cup with a nod. “Some loose girl is gonna try to take advantage of you!”
Archie turned red around the ears, but rolled his eyes.
Gold stared dubiously into his own cup. “Do we even trust this beer?”
“It came from a keg,” Archie said. “So unless you suspect me, I think it’s safe.”
Gold sipped the beer, unsurprised to find it rather weak, and casually scanned the crowd for Belle.
“No sign of her from my vantage,” Jefferson said, proving that he wasn’t being that casual. Gold knew that his comment wasn’t a dig at his diminutive height, but it was a simple fact that where Gold was on the short side, Jefferson towered above the heads of most everyone in town. His penchant for wearing old fashioned top hats only served to make him look even taller.
“This music is giving me a headache,” Archie complained.
“I think it’s charitable to call it music,” Victor said.
“It’s too bad Belle didn’t know, she could have had some real musicians here tonight!”
“Shut up, Jefferson.”
“Who?” Archie asked.
Jefferson waggled his thumb between himself and Gold. “You should have seen us back when we were on R&R together. This guy here could have had any skirt he could possibly have wanted if he’d been of a mind. The second he stepped behind a piano and opened his mouth, girls were practically throwing their panties at him.”
“Shut up, Jefferson.”
“Seriously?” Victor said, amazed. “You, Gold? You’re a musician?”
“Was,” Gold corrected firmly, inwardly seething.
“I played the trumpet,” Jefferson said proudly. “Still do, in my spare time. But God, Gold, I miss playing with you!”
“What do you know?” Victor said. “I play the drums! As a hobby, of course. I’m not that good. But Arch here is a wiz on the bass.”
“You’re kidding!” Jefferson gushed. “Gold! Can you imagine?! We could start up our own band! Belle would flip!”
“You are out of your damned mind, Jefferson,” Gold deadpanned, but secretly, though he would never had any intention of joining, he rather liked the idea of the three of them banning together to play. Jefferson had true talent that had been wasted by the trauma of war, and he would like to see the man actually happy again. Never had Jefferson…never had either of them, been quite as happy as when they were playing music.
“Adam…” Jefferson said very suddenly, snapping Gold out of his musings with a terrified start due to the rare use of his first name. He was staring out past the crowd at something Gold couldn’t see, and was moving before Gold could ask what it was.
He knew, before Jefferson called out something to him over his shoulder, that there could only be one thing at that festival that could cause such a reaction. “Belle!”
It wasn’t long before Gold could see what Jefferson saw. Jones had left the stage, leaving the other two to carry on without him, not that it made much difference. He had Belle cornered beneath a copse of trees, pressed up against the trunk of one.
She was moving slightly, breath coming in quick pants, but not appearing like she was trying to get away as Jones’ mouth laved at her neck, and for a sickening moment Gold thought she was accepting his advances. He supposed all her apparent disgust could have been an act. Maybe she didn’t like Jones, but that didn’t necessarily mean she wasn’t attracted to him, and for some people, especially younger people, sometimes sex was just sex. But it saddened him, though he knew it shouldn’t. She didn’t belong to him.
Jefferson had hesitated too, unsure of the situation. “Something’s not right,” he said. “We should at least make sure she’s ok.”
“But she…”
Just then, Belle’s hands rose to Jones’ chest, pushing weakly, and she moaned a low “No…”
That was all it took for him, and he strode over toward them faster than a man with a cane had any right to. Once he was close, he could see that Belle’s face was pale, and her eyes were wide in fear. He didn’t know why she wasn’t fighting, but she sure as hell didn’t want this.
He grabbed Jones’ shoulder in a crushing grip, yanking him roughly away from her. “You’re going to want to release her…immediately,” he hissed dangerously.
Jones let her go, stumbling back with a curse. He swung around, raising his fist as if to strike, but Gold was faster; hitting him upside the head with his cane. He went down like a bag of rocks.
“Belle? Belle, hon, are you okay?” Jefferson was saying while Gold stared down murderously at Jones, contemplating hitting him a few more times for good measure. He’d not felt such a violent inclination since…since…well, a long time ago.
“Adam!” Jefferson yelled, snapping Gold out of his haze of fury. “Get over here! She’s wigged out on something!”
Instantly, all thoughts of violence were gone completely, and it was only after he stopped that he realized that he’d been shaking. Belle was staring directly at him, eyes wider than he’d ever seen, the pupils blown so wide that he couldn’t even see the blue.
“Belle?” Gold said softly, approaching her carefully. She was hyperventilating and shaking like a leaf. He didn’t know what Jefferson had meant at first by “wigging out,” but he could see right away that something was very, very wrong with her.
Once he was right in front of her, her eyes cleared slightly, focusing on his face. “Mr. Gold?” she whimpered, and before he could react, he found himself with his arms full of her, shuddering against his chest. His arms went about her automatically, and she pressed her face into his shirt. “Tighter,” she cried, and he didn’t know what that meant until she followed it by, “I’m gonna fall apart!”
So he tightened his hold, feeling like he was surely crushing the poor thing, but she only sighed in relief, her breath finally evening out, though her heart was beating at a rate that had his lurching in fear.
“Jefferson!” he said sharply. “Go back and get Whale! Now!”
Jefferson turned and ran without another word, and Gold walked with Belle in a strange sort of dance, to get her farther away from Jones and closer to a torch where he could see her better.
“Don’t leave me,” she whimpered softly into his chest.
“Never, my Belle,” he whispered, pressing his lips to the top of her head. “I’ve got you. You’re safe. I promise.”
He continued to murmur comforting words into her hair until Jefferson returned with Whale and Archie. “What happened to her?” Whale asked urgently, trying to get a look at her face, but she just kept burrowing into Gold.
“Killian Jones was harassing her,” Jefferson said. “But she’s high on something. She couldn’t fight him off, so Gold…” Jefferson gestured toward the unconscious lump a few feet away.
“I’ll go call the sheriff,” Archie said, darting away.
“Belle?” Whale spoke gently to her, no longer trying to pull her away from Gold when all that seemed to do was worsen her panic. “Belle? What did you take, Belle? It’s ok, just tell me.”
Belle cried, and grabbed a fistful of Gold’s shirt at his side, catching his skin in the process, but he ignored the pain. “Sweetheart, please, it’s ok. No one will think anything of it, just tell us what it was so we can help you,” he turned to Whale, trying to keep his own panic out of his voice. “How could this have happened? She was just talking to us half an hour ago at most and she was fine, then.”
“Some of this shit can take effect really quickly,” Whale said, managing to maneuver her face so that he could look into her eyes. “She’s out of it, but awake and on her feet. I don’t think she’s overdosed. Probably just needs to sleep it off. Belle? Do you feel like you need to go to the hospital?”
“No hospital,” Belle moaned, turning her face away from him.
“Belle, dear, maybe you ought to go…” Gold said, stroking her hair. “Just to be sure.”
She pushed away from him then, but only to the point of standing up straight on her own. “No,” she repeated firmly. “Papa will find out…and I’ll never hear the end of it…oh God…Jefferson could you stop yelling?!”
Gold and Whale looked at Jefferson, who’d been standing there silently the whole time. “Sorry,” he said quietly.
“Dr. Whale,” Sheriff Nolan said, approaching the group with Archie at his side. “Everything ok, here?”
“Bad trip,” Whale said, indicating Belle. “I don’t think it’s serious, I just wish she could tell us exactly what she took so we can be sure. Probably acid, though, by the looks of it.”
“I didn’t,” Belle slurred, eyes drooping.
“Miss French, please,” Nolan said calmly. “We don’t have to take this matter any farther than right here. You’re not in trouble. Just be honest so the doctor can help.”
“But I didn’t.” she insisted. “I drank beer…that’s…he gave it to me…”
“Who did? Who gave you beer, Belle?”
She blinked in confusion for a moment before pointing over to where Jones was still unconscious. “Slug.”
“Belle! What’s going on?” Ruby along with several others were running over, and Gold had to reclaim his hold on Belle because it looked like she wanted to run away.
“Snakes!” Belle cried, ducking back into Gold’s jacket, almost literally burying herself under it.
“This young woman claims she was given a drugged beverage,” Nolan said. “Do you know anything about this?”
Ruby gasped. “What?! No! Belle doesn’t do drugs! Who would…Belle, are you okay?” she tried to approach her, to pull her away from Gold, but Belle flinched violently away and Gold tightened his grip protectively in response.
“Oh no,” it was Gaston, come fresh from the stage. At this point, most of the gathering was watching them. “It was my fault! I took a sip to show her it was ok, I swear I had no idea!”
“Then why aren’t you high?” Gold asked him accusingly.
“Look at him,” Jefferson said. “He is.”
“Alright, alright, I’m pulling the plug on this,” Nolan said. “Everyone go home now or I’m bringing out the cuffs!”
And just like that, the sizable crowd dispersed, fleeing the scene faster than a flock of birds, dragging their more inebriated friends with them.
Gaston and Smith went to pick up Killian and pull him away, but they were stopped by the Sheriff. “Not you two, I have some questions for you. And Whale, you might should come have a look at this one.”
“I didn’t hit him that hard,” Gold said, quietly enough that the Sheriff couldn’t hear.
“Judging by the smell I think the blow to his head was the least of his problems,” Jefferson said.
“What about Belle?” Gold asked Whale.
“Well she can’t be alone,” Whale said. “Someone needs to sit with her through the night.”
“I’ll take her to my place,” Ruby said, reaching for her again. “Her dad’ll wig if he sees her like this.”
Although he hated to let her go, Gold removed his hands from around Belle to allow her friend to take her, but Belle cried out; a heartbreaking little sound, and clung on tighter.
“No! She’s a snake!”
“A snake…” Ruby stammered. “Belle, honey…”
“She’s hallucinating,” Whale said unnecessarily. “She doesn’t know what she’s saying.”
“We had a fight just before this happened,” Ruby said, tearing up. “Belle, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t leave me,” Belle whimpered to Gold.
Gold sighed. It was highly improper, but he desperately wanted to just get her away from there. “I’ll take her,” he said.
“Take her where?” Ruby asked suspiciously.
“To my house,” he snapped at her. “You can come with us, and perhaps when her head clears a little she’ll let you take her home.”
Ruby seemed to debate with herself inwardly, before nodding begrudgingly.
 Gold, Jefferson, Ruby, and Belle made their way to Jefferson’s car after Whale detailed to them what to watch out for as Belle came off the drug, to make sure she stayed hydrated, and to keep her on her side in case she vomited. He promised to phone if they managed to get the type of drug out of Jones.
Ruby climbed into the front seat with Jefferson while Gold manhandled Belle into the back. She balked at first, declaring the vehicle unbelievably rude, but when Gold got in first, she followed instantly, clinging to him like a koala.
“He saved her from Jones,” Jefferson told Ruby. “He’s her knight in shining armor right now, so he makes her feel safe.”
Ruby couldn’t argue with that, seeing it clearly for herself, and her scowl relaxed.
Gold noticed that Belle was staring wide-eyed out the window, and he gently pulled her head back to his shoulder lest she make herself sick.
They were all silent as they climbed the steps to Gold’s home, slowly since Gold had to handle his cane and bad leg on one side, and a clinging koala on the other.
“Pink!” she blurted out, staring at the home. “Mr. Gold, why is it pink?”
“It’s salmon,” Gold defended.
Belle giggled. “That’s the biggest fish I’ve ever seen! Is it going to eat us?!”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he said, figuring it was pointless to attempt to correct her. “But it’s ok, it’s nice and warm in the fish’s belly.”
“Oh good. I’m cold.”
When they entered the house, her wide, unfocused eyes looked all around, but then so did Ruby’s.
“Wooow,” Belle said in wonder. “So many things! She focused on a small clock sitting on a table in the foyer, next to an antique candelabra. “Pardon? Well, no, I haven’t seen a teapot, not today at least.”
“Oh my God, Belle,” Ruby said, laughing.
“It isn’t funny,” Gold snapped.
“It’s kind of funny,” Jefferson offered.
“Yeah, Mr. Gold!” Belle said, also laughing. “I mean…I mean…what did Jefferson call you? He called you by a name. Not Gold. Not any other color either.”
“Adam,” Jefferson provided helpfully, ignoring Gold’s scowl.
“Adam!” Belle exclaimed. “Adam Gold. Are you rich, Adam Gold? Because your name has gold in it. If you weren’t rich, your name should be…should be…”
“Broke?” Ruby suggested.
“Broke! But you’re not broken, Adam Gold. You’re just right.”
“Alright, that’s quite enough of that,” Gold said, before addressing the others. “You two go make her some coffee or tea. I’m going to get her into bed.”
Belle gave a scandalized gasp, a hand fluttering dramatically over her chest. “Adam Gold! You haven’t even bought me dinner yet!”
Ruby and Jefferson cracked up while Gold’s face flamed. He ignored the others’ merriment and guided Belle’s stumbling form up the stairs to his room. He had a guest room, and a room set aside for Neal, but the guest room bed wasn’t made up, and his own sheets were freshly laundered, plus he was loath to place an intoxicated woman in his son’s bed without permission.
“Here we are,” Gold said, steering her toward the bed.
“Whose room is this? she asked.
Gold sighed. “Mine, but it’s quite alright. You’ll be comfortable here.”
Belle fell into the bed, shoes and all, and snuggled against his pillow in a way that was so adorable, he almost choked.
He sat down beside her, gently removing her shoes, and the feathers from her ears and tangled hair. The daisy on her cheek had been reduced to an ugly smeared blur, and for some reason, the sight of it on her pale, drawn face made his anger resurface anew. He quickly bopped to the attached bathroom and returned with a cool, damp washcloth. He dabbed carefully at the flower, wiping it away, before oh-so-gently washing the rest of her face.
She lay still the whole time, closing her eyes with a dreamy smile on her face. For a moment, all he could do was stare at that face, and marvel at her trust in him, even in the throes of a hallucinogenic. He was just contemplating the removal of her vest and wondering if perhaps he should have Ruby come up to change her out of her dress when he looked down and realized that said dress had become rucked up around her hips, giving him full view of white lace panties that provided absolutely no covering of what lay beneath.
Blushing like a schoolboy, he snatched up a quilt at the foot of the bed and covered her with it, mentally berating himself for the depraved thoughts that were suddenly racing through his mind.
“How is she?” Ruby asked, making him jump and flush all over again. “Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “But I brought up some tea. She likes tea better than coffee at night.”
“I think she’s asleep,” he said. “But let’s try to get her up, she needs some liquid in her.”
Sat on either side of her, Gold and Ruby pulled a protesting Belle into a sitting position. “Drink some tea, love,” Gold said, holding the teacup up to her lips.
“Don’t call me that,” she grumbled. “The slug called me that.”
“My apologies, Belle,” he amended contritely.
“You can still call me nice names,” she pouted at him. “I liked sweetheart.”
Gold blushed, and then some more when Ruby noticed and smirked. “Sweetheart, drink the tea?”
Belle sipped the tea obediently after that, though that had to keep reminding her to finish it.
“I suppose you’ll want to sit with her?” Gold asked Ruby, thought it tore at him.
“Yeah,” Ruby said. “I’ll stay.”
“I’ll come check in a few hours,” Gold said. “In case you need to sleep.”
Ruby smiled at him, a genuine smile. “Thanks, ‘Adam Gold’.”
Gold rolled his eyes before setting Belle’s empty cup on the nightstand and grabbing his cane. He was halfway to the door when Belle’s eyes flew back open with a gasp and she started trying to struggle to her feet. The quilt however, wrapped around her legs, and she cried out in alarm. “Let go of me!”
In her upset, she rolled over, her arm flinging out and swiping the cup off the nightstand, which landed on the rug with a thud.
Belle got very still all of a sudden, staring off the side of the bed. Before they could stop her, she’d untangled herself from the quilt and was kneeling by the cup, which had apparently chipped in the fall.
“Oh no…” she whimpered, tearing up. “You’re chipped! Are you ok? Speak to me!”
Gold knelt beside her, wrapping his hand around hers that held the cup. “Belle, sweetheart, it’s okay. It’s just a cup.”
“You were leaving,” she accused, tears still welling in her eyes. “You said you wouldn’t.”
And Lord, how those eyes could unman him with a look. “I’m sorry, Belle…I…” he looked over at Ruby helplessly as she peered down at them from the bed.
“He was only going to get you a shirt to wear, to sleep in,” Ruby finished for him.
“Oh,” Belle said simply before unceremoniously yanking her dress over her head.
Gold fell back on his ass, slamming his eyes shut, but not before he got an eyeful of pale, smooth skin and no brassier.
Ruby squealed in astonishment and he could hear her scramble off the bed to try and stop Belle, or cover her, one.
“Wow, Belle, let’s save that for later, huh? Maybe for when I’m not around?” Ruby cackled, only furthering Gold’s embarrassment. “Uh, Gold? Think we could get that shirt?”
With his eyes still closed, Gold stumbled to his feet with difficulty, biting back a curse when he stubbed a toe on his good foot on the leg of the bed. He didn’t open his eyes though until he was facing away from the bed and the naked Belle. He hurried to his chest of drawers and pulled out a soft flannel button-down pajama shirt. It was a little big on him, so he knew it would be plenty long enough to cover Belle. He would dare-say it would do a better job than her dress. He tossed it over his shoulder, hearing Ruby laugh, and then a few moments of rustling and Belle whining before Ruby told him it was safe to turn around.
When he did turn around, Belle was tucked into his bed, under the covers, wearing his shirt, looking sleepy and content. He gulped, and wondered if he was glad for or cursed the presence of a third person.
“I guess it’s on you,” Ruby said. “Mind if I crash on your couch?”
“You’re leaving?!” Gold exclaimed, his voice cracking like a pre-adolescent boy.
“Well, yeah, three’s a crowd, don’t you think? And Belle has clearly chosen,” she eyed him speculatively. “You know? If you were any other guy I know, I wouldn’t dream of leaving Belle alone with you when she was like this. But I actually am convinced that you’re not gonna lay a hand on her. Not now anyway.”
“Of course not!” Gold exclaimed, opting to ignore the last part of her statement. “But surely this isn’t…proper. Belle would be horrified when she wakes up!”
Ruby rolled her eyes. “She’ll probably be embarrassed, yeah, but not because of that. I’m gonna go see if there’s anything on that big TV of yours and see if Jefferson wants to hang loose with me to keep me awake, so I can come relieve you in a few hours.”
“Sleep if you need to,” Gold said, relenting. “I’ll come wake you if I can’t stay awake.”
“You’re a solid guy, Mr. Gold, a real gone cat.”
“I’m just going to assume that those are good things.”
Ruby chuckled and flashed him a peace sign, before leaving the bedroom and shutting the door behind her.
“Adam?” Belle whimpered.
Gold rushed to her side, sitting beside her on the bed and petting her hair. “I’m here.”
Her wide eyes were glaring daggers over his shoulder. “I don’t like the way that window is looking at me.”
Gold sighed, and, despite himself, chuckled. Only Belle could be this adorable while under the influence of drugs. Not that he’d ever want a repeat of all this. He made a show of closing the curtains, to block away the offending window, and returned to her side.
“Lay down with me?” she asked sleepily.
“I uh…think it’s better if I sit up,” he said nervously. “So I won’t fall asleep.”
“But it feels better when you’re holding me. Other…otherwise I might break apart.”
Well, there was no way humanly possible he could deny her at that, so that’s how Adam Gold found himself in bed with the woman he was rapidly falling in love with.
 Belle groaned, feeling like her head was just going to pop off and roll away, and she had a disgusting taste in her mouth.
A pair of strong, warm arms tightened around her, and she stiffened in panic. The last thing she remembered clearly was realizing that Killian had spiked her drink. Bile rose in her throat at the thought of waking in his bed.
Her eyes flew open, and she found herself face-to-face with, not Killian, but Mr. Gold. She felt dizzy with relief, but it was quickly replaced with confusion, and a different sort of panic.
Had they slept together? Like, slept slept together? She took a quick stock of herself, finding that though she wasn’t wearing her dress from the night before, she was still wearing underwear, and she felt that, with her lack of experience, she would know if she’d had her “cherry popped” the night before.
Bits and pieces of the night before came back to her, though she knew some of it wasn’t real, like the snakes and talking clock. Some of it she hoped wasn’t real, like basically crawling all over Mr. Gold and saying horrifyingly forward things to him. She also vaguely remembered waking in the night convinced that they were in an enchanted castle, and Mr. Gold had turned into some kind of magical lizard man with a strange voice. But instead of scary he’d been comforting, and she remembered telling him over and over how pretty his sparkly skin was. What had she kept calling him? Bumble? Rumple?
Mr. Gold’s, not Rumple’s, eyes opened suddenly, and she held her breath, both because she wasn’t sure what was about to happen, and also because they were practically nose-to-nose and she knew her breath had to be positively foul.
Gold sat up, and the sudden movement made her groan. “Belle!” he exclaimed, but softly. “How are you feeling?”
“Horrible,” she admitted. “What happened last night?”
“You don’t remember?” he asked, scooting over until he was only sitting on the bed, with his feet on the floor.
“A little,” she said. “I remember realizing only after my beer was almost gone that Killian must have spiked it, and I remember asking to…stay with you. I’m so sorry, Mr. Gold.”
“Sorry?” he breathed. “You have nothing to be sorry for sw…Belle. It’s that Jones boy who should be sorry.”
“But I practically forced you to take care of me,” she said miserably. “I’m remembering that right, aren’t I? I wouldn’t let Ruby stay with me?”
“You were confused and frightened,” Gold said. “I happened to be the first one to come to your rescue, though I wasn’t the only one. I was more than happy to do whatever I could to make you feel safe.”
Belle felt tears sting her eyes. “Thank you.”
Gold smiled, then patted her leg near her ankle. “You stay here, rest, and drink this water,” he gestured to a glass on the nightstand. I’ll go downstairs and see about breakfast, hm?”
Belle nodded, reaching for the water immediately. He wasn’t gone five minutes before Ruby entered, followed by Jefferson.
“And how’s our little psychedelic flower child?” Jefferson asked.
“Funny,” Ruby deadpanned, elbowing him in the ribs. “Are you feeling better, Belle?”
Belle tilted her head, wondering at the friendly behavior between the two. As far as she knew, they’d never even spoken before last night. “Better,” Belle said weakly. “Thank you both for your help last night.”
“You were a gas,” Jefferson said, laughing. “Let me know if you ever decide to imbibe again, I want to come watch!”
“Jefferson!” both women snapped, and he held up his hands in apology.
“I’m sure I was quite the sight,” Belle said, grimacing. “It was horrible, though. Everything was terrifying and it was like I could feel sounds!”
“Hugs, not drugs, honey,” Ruby said.
Belle snorted. “Indeed. Did I really cry over breaking a teacup?”
Ruby chuckled. “You thought you’d killed it.”
That reminded Belle of something else, and she inhaled a slow, deep gasp. “Oh my God…”
“What?” Ruby asked worriedly, rushing to her side.
“Ruby…please, please tell me I didn’t strip in front of Mr. Gold.”
Ruby winced, and Belle turned to bury her face in the pillow (the pillow that smelled just like Gold) and screamed, while Jefferson howled with laughter.
 After that, Gold had served everyone a delicious breakfast – served in his bedroom while they all sat on his bed – and then Belle excused herself to shower before being banished back to the bed, where she was kept all morning until Dr. Whale was able to stop by and check on her. He declared her alive, and told her to take it easy the rest of the weekend, and drink plenty of water.
He’d also said that Killian, Gaston, and Smith had been arrested, that Gaston and Smith had been bailed out right away, but Killian was still sitting in a cell last he heard. Belle was glad to hear it.
“I can’t believe I let them play at my rally,” Belle said miserably. “They ruined everything.”
“It was my fault,” Ruby said. “I’m the one who talked you into giving them the gig.”
“But I’m the leader,” Belle insisted. “It’s on me.”
“So we’ll do damage control,” Ruby said. “Get back out there. We can’t let this stop us.”
“Miss Lucas is right,” Gold said. “Don’t let a group of idiots and a bad experience stop you.”
“Really?” she asked, smiling. “You don’t even buy into our cause.”
“But you do, and I’d hate to ever see you lose your passion.”
“You won’t.”
 Belle left Mr. Gold’s house that afternoon after a heartfelt thanks and a warm hug, wishing she could do a bit more to thank him, but not with Jefferson and Ruby grinning at them that way.
“I’m sorry for the way I talked about him,” Ruby said as they walked arm in arm down the sidewalk, just in case Belle got unsteady on her feet. Jefferson had offered them a ride, but Belle wanted to get some fresh air to more fully clear her head before seeing her father.
“Mr. Gold,” Ruby clarified. “He’s not the monster the town makes him out to be. But you’ve always known that, haven’t you?”
Belle nodded. “Mr. Gold has always been kind to me. Why me and no one else, I’ll never know. But then again, I’m seeing now that I’m not the only one, am I? Did you know Gold and Jefferson were friends?”
“Can’t say I did. But Jefferson knew his way around that house like it was his own, so he’s obviously spent time there. I’ve heard they were stationed together at some point during the war. Though, I no longer can take any stock in what I hear.”
“Could be true, though,” Belle said. “I think Mr. Gold is really a kind person, I think maybe he’s just been through a lot. I also think he’s lonely.”
“Oh, I know that tone of voice,” Ruby said slyly. “You’re going to start peeling back those layers, huh?”
Belle smiled. “If he’ll let me, I would love to.”
 Chapter 4
In the days following the disastrous rally, Belle filed a report against Killian, but he was claiming that he had no clue that the beer was spiked, either, and that he, too, had been drugged without his consent. Unfortunately, it was found out that one of the kegs was indeed spiked with an LSD drug, and no one could prove who did it.
Belle kept quiet within HEN, intending to let the public just sort of forget about the drug-laden orgy her rally had become. She tried to just focus on work and the occasional hours she was able to volunteer at the town’s small library.
She didn’t go see Gold right away, feeling shy and uncertain about where they were in their relationship, if it could be called one. After what they’d gone through together, she could definitely say they were more than acquaintances. But she couldn’t be sure if he wanted to get to know her more, or if he’d been completely turned off by her that night.
“You should go!” Ruby pleaded with her, having turned a complete 180 on her opinion of the man since that fateful night. Though she still cautioned that they were very different people, and a relationship might have issues, she was suddenly Belle’s biggest cheerleader in her pursuit. “Don’t wait too long, he might think you feel weird about what happened!”
“I do feel weird,” Belle said. “But not because of anything he did, just because I don’t know where this leaves us!”
“Well, there’s one way to find out!”
 So Belle found herself standing at the door to Mr. Gold’s pawnshop, dressed conservatively in bellbottom jeans and a loose blouse. She still hadn’t quite gotten over her embarrassment that she’d stripped naked right in front of him, and wasn’t sure if she was thankful or disappointed when Ruby told her that he’d immediately turned his head.
She opened the door, hearing the cheerful ding of the bell, but almost turned right back around when she saw that not only was Jefferson present, but so were Dr. Whale and Dr. Hopper.
“Come on, old man!” Jefferson was saying, to an unimpressed Gold, not having heard her come in. “Just think of how…”
“Jeff…” Whale nudged him, and they all four turned to look at her.
“Is this a bad time?” she asked weakly.
“No!” they all said at once, before Jefferson, Victor, and Archie were all scrambling over themselves to leave the shop.
After they’d all gone in a cloud of dust, Belle shifted on her feet awkwardly. “Wow, do I know how to clear a room, or what?” she joked, hoping to make him relax his tensed posture.
“Ignore them,” Gold said, not relaxing in the least. “They’re being idiotic. How are you Belle? Feeling okay?”
“Oh, I’m totally fine now,” she said with a wave of her hand. “But I’ve definitely learned my lesson about accepting drinks from people.”
“You shouldn’t have had to learn it that way,” he said darkly, and Belle shivered. Not in fear…but something else.
“Well, lucky for me you were there to save me,” she said, trying for coy.
He scoffed self-depreciatingly. “Jefferson is the one who saw that you were in trouble.”
“But you defended me from Killian, and you held and comforted me through the night. Not Jefferson.”
He opened his mouth to say something else, but shut it again, and for a moment they just stood there in awkward silence.
“I…got a couple new albums,” Gold said, changing the subject. “One is of some of Elvis’s lesser known songs, I think you might like.”
Belle grinned. “Can we listen to it?”
Gold jerked his head over toward where he kept the player, and Belle felt a giddy bubble of happiness to see that he’d moved a chaise lounge into the corner with it. He’d obviously hoped she’d come back to listen some more, and wanted them to have a place to sit.
So sit they did, listening to music, and discussing the evolution of rock-n-roll. The chaise was small, so they had to sit close together. Therefor it wasn’t hard for her to lay her head on his shoulder. She felt him stiffen, and hoped she hadn’t been reading him wrong. But then his arm came up and around her, and he pulled her even closer. That same feeling that she remembered through her drug-induced haze came back to her in a rush; a feeling of safety, rightness, and…she was almost afraid to think it, love.
   When Belle had to finally leave to go to work at her father’s shop, Gold had to just sit on the lounge for a while and compose himself. He had hoped she hadn’t been able to tell just how much her closeness affected him. He thanked every deity he knew of that his body hadn’t betrayed him like this when she’d been in his bed, but at the time he had mostly just been worried about her.
This time, she’d come to him of her own free will, sound in mind and body. She’d asked to stay and listen to music, and had cuddled against him like it was the most natural thing in the world. And it did feel natural, to put his arm around her and lean his head against hers, breathing in the fresh scent of her, feeling the warmth of her soft curves.
He needed to go talk to Jefferson.
Wait, where had that thought come from? What was he, fifteen? Bad enough that he couldn’t just sit next to the woman without getting excited, he wasn’t about to run off to gab about it! Besides, Jefferson and his new pals had nearly humiliated him in front of Belle. They’d ambushed him with this ridiculous idea to form a band. It was imbecilic.
Jefferson and Whale kept trying to use the excuse that it would impress Belle, but he knew that it would be more likely to embarrass her, especially if he actually did as they said and “write a song for her.” How horrifying.
Archie, at least, hadn’t been so aggressive, but he was obviously amenable to the idea himself.
“Why don’t you just do it without me?” he’d asked them. “You don’t need me.”
“But you’re the piano player,” Jefferson argued. “That’s the heart and soul of a band. And I daresay that you’re the best singer.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to find someone else. I don’t even play anymore. It’s been so long…I’ve probably forgotten how.”
“You haven’t forgotten,” Jefferson scoffed. “Those keys are part of you. Always have been.”
“Well, that part must have been the one to step on a land mine, because it’s gone.”
“Come on, Jefferson, he doesn’t want to do it,” Archie said then. “Don’t try to force him.”
But Jefferson had continued to plead until Belle walked in, which blessedly shut them up and chased them right out the door.
It was stupid. Pointless. Ridiculous. Music was something he’d let go of a long, long time ago, along with many other aspects of his life. All it would do at this point would be to serve as a reminder of the worst time in his life.
It was idiotic. But…
He glanced over at the covered upright. It hadn’t been tuned in a decade. Maybe it would actually sell if he uncovered it, cleaned it up, and tuned it.
Yes, he’d do that, then it would be sold and out of his life completely.
 Belle and Gold continued to see each other, either when she visited his shop, or just about town. When he came to the diner, Ruby greeted him with a friendly smile. If Belle wasn’t there, either Victor or Archie or both usually were, and they always insisted that he sit with them. Gold found, much to his surprise, that he rather didn’t mind the doctor and the psychiatrist. Especially Archie, who was quiet, but once he opened up was a good conversationalist.
Several of the townsfolk wondered at this change, seeing the feared Mr. Gold making friends of all things, probably wondering what nefarious plans in had in mind. But he also found he didn’t really care about that either.
For her part, Belle was thrilled to see Gold smile occasionally and talk to people, showing them a side that so far only she had ever seen. He seemed more relaxed than she’d ever seen him before, and it was wonderful. Perhaps he hadn’t come fully out of his shell, but it was certainly a start.
 One afternoon, after helping her father that morning and making plans for a small gathering for HEN – not a rally, just a meeting, and something to get them together again and hopefully mend some fences – she made her way to the pawnshop, twirling a yellow daisy between her fingers.
She could hear music playing before she even opened the door, and she smiled. She’d never caught him listening to music without her before, and she hoped that it meant that he was just in a good mood.
The sign on the door was flipped to ‘Closed’, but she didn’t let that stop her from turning the handle that was never locked as long as he was inside.
The piano music playing was some of the most beautiful she’d ever heard, and she was excited to ask him who it was. But once in the shop, she realized that the sound was clearer than any record she’d ever heard, and she slowly became aware of the fact that it was because it wasn’t a recording.
Someone…Gold…was sitting at the upright, and he was playing.
Belle froze on the spot, watching him from behind with her mouth hanging open. He’d said he’d played, but she hadn’t expected this. The melody was not one she recognized, but it seared through her skin and straight to her heart.
She didn’t think that music could feel like that, like being literally caressed. It sent chills through her spine and brought tears to her eyes.
She must have made a sound, a gasp or something, because he suddenly stopped and turned around, eyes widening like he’d been caught doing something illicit.
“I…I was just…” he gestured to the piano nervously.
“Don’t stop,” she begged softly.
He stared at her for a long moment, then turned back around, and began to play again. It was a different song this time, a slower one, but just as hauntingly beautiful.
Belle walked slowly over to him, afraid to move too fast lest she disturb him again. She watched as his long fingers flew across the keys like they weren’t even touching them. She’d never seen anything like it.
At some point she sat down beside him, her back to the keys, but her eyes went back and forth between his hands and the intense look on his face, not sure which one she wanted to stare at more.
Eventually the song ended, and with a boyish smirk, he started up a jaunty tune that she quickly identified as Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.
“He was a famous trumpet man from up Chicago way,” she sang once she picked up the rhythm. “He had a boogie sound that no one else could play, he was the top man at his craft, but then his number came up, and he was gone with the draft. He’s in the Army now, a-blowin’ revelry; he’s the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B.”
Gold stopped suddenly and turned to her in surprise. “Belle…you sing wonderfully!”
She blushed. “Oh, gosh, thank you. But you…I had no idea…why did you ever stop playing? You’re amazing!”
He sighed, shaking his head. “I played all the time as a boy after my aunts taught me. Piano, guitar, even a little violin. It was what attracted my wife to me in the first place.”
Belle’s breath caught in her throat. She’d honestly had no idea he’d ever been married. Stupid rumors of purchased Japanese brides notwithstanding. She was determined not to let it bother her, however. He had, after all, lived a whole life before she was even born.
“What happened?” she prompted softly.
“Well, the war happened. Before that I was just a poor farm boy, abandoned by his drunken father when I was seven and shipped to America to live with his equally poor, aged aunts. The depression hit, but we were self-sufficient enough that we got by on what I made at a textile factory. Milah and I…well, it was hardly a great love. She saw me playing guitar in a bar and came up to me and said, “Why don’t you buy me a drink?” So I did. We went steady, and it was easy I suppose. I was good with money and made a decent living in a time where the entire country was struggling. I guess, to her, I was security. And to me, she was…comfort. We married, and got on just fine.  
“When the war hit, and boys started getting called up…I thought that maybe enlisting before the draft could get me would make me seem courageous. Manly. So I did. And Milah, she was so proud of me. I even worked up in rank fairly quickly. I had a mind for statistics and strategies, and I was put on several secret missions. That’s how I met Jefferson. He was Special Ops. We gravitated toward each other, first because we both came from poor families and deadbeat fathers, were both considered something of prodigies of warfare, and then because of music. He was a trumpet player, started out in the Army as the bugle boy. That song is his favorite. But he has a brilliant, brilliant mind, and it was only a matter of time before it was noticed, and he shot up in rank faster than I did. He was responsible for missions that…well…that cost a lot of lives. On their side, and sometimes ours. There’s no way that wouldn’t affect a man, seeing so many people, innocent or no, die because of your actions. Because of our actions.
“We were in Germany, following a lead that several POWs were being held in an old empty mill, way out in the country. We’d planned to go in with just our core group of ten, sneak in under the cover of dark, slit some necks and get our boys out of there with as little fuss as possible. But it had been a setup. There were prisoners in the mill, but they were just bait. The place was littered in landmines, but luckily, Jefferson realized it before we got too close. We had no choice but to retreat, but I argued, saying that since we knew there were landmines, we could be careful enough to get in.
“Our Sergeant wouldn’t hear of it, said it would be suicide to attempt. But I got it into my damned head to play the hero, and I broke rank, and I headed for the mill alone. Jefferson tried to stop me, but in the end he wouldn’t let me go alone, so he followed. If we were detected before we got close enough to the mill, everyone would be dead for, so the Sergeant really had no choice but to follow…”
Gold hesitated, his throat convulsing as he fought back tears. “I stepped on one of the mines. It caused a chain reaction that set them all off. Two men were killed. Four others seriously injured, not counting myself. Jefferson, thank God, made it out with only temporary hearing loss.”
Belle looked down at the leg she knew he always favored, unable to imagine stepping on a landmine and somehow living to tell the tale. She wanted to ask, but didn’t dare. Didn’t dare to so much as speak in case it made him stop talking. She had a strong feeling that he needed to get it all out, and he needed her to just listen.
Seeming to make up his mind about it, he took a deep breath and bent down slowly, then lifted his pants leg…
Revealing a wooden leg from the knee down.
Belle wanted to cry out in distress, but bit it back. She’d known of course that he had an injury, but she’d never known that he was missing a limb.
“I was shipped home, my injury being the only thing that saved me from a court martial for my actions on the battlefront. I was dishonorably discharged. Jefferson lost his position, and was eventually discharged with honor, but no medals. We learned later on that all of the POWs in that mill were killed.”
At this point, Belle couldn’t help but speak, tears streaming freely down her cheeks. “But you know that they were probably going to be killed no matter what you did.”
“I know that. But if I’d just shut up and obeyed my commanding officer like I was supposed to, none of us would have been hurt. Those boys may still be alive, and I’d still be a whole man.”
“You are a whole man,” Belle insisted hotly, unable to help herself. She couldn’t dispute that he’d made a mistake all those years ago, but she would argue like hell that it took away at all from the man he was today. “Your leg makes no difference in that.”
He chuckled mirthlessly. “My wife didn’t think so.”
“What?”
He looked at her for the first time since he’d begun his tale, and Belle’s heart shattered at the pain reflected in his eyes. How long had he been holding all of it inside?
“She was ashamed of me, coming home a broken, battered shell of man. All the honor from having joined the army stripped from me. I couldn’t blame her. But when I got home, still recovering, she surprised me with a son,” just like that, his voice became slightly lighter. “We’d conceived him, apparently, on my last visit home. He was a year old already, and the most adorable little thing you’d ever seen in your life. So I had to try, try to heal, to live. For him. I swear, if it hadn’t been for him…there was a very dark time in my life that I probably would have…well…I wouldn’t be alive now, let’s leave it at that.”
Belle took a breath, trying to process all this new information. Mr. Gold had a son, who would be rather close to her in age, and she’d had no clue. “And your wife?” she asked, almost afraid of the answer judging by the way his expression darkened.
“In time she grew to hate me. Not only had I been kicked out of the Army, I couldn’t work. Couldn’t help chase Neal around once he got up and running. Couldn’t even please…and, well, I guess I didn’t make it easy on her. I was angry all the time when I wasn’t with Neal, and every little sound sent me into a panic. One day, when Neal was just barely four years old, I came home from the doctor to find them gone. Her things, Neal’s things, all the cash we kept saved, all gone. All there was, was a note saying she’d met someone else, and knew that I was in no condition to take care of a child on my own, so she’d taken Neal with her and she’d…” he choked, tears finally springing to his eyes. “find him a good home.”
“What?!” Belle exclaimed. “She…she took him from you…and didn’t even keep him?!”
Gold nodded. “I spent years searching for my boy, but Milah covered her tracks well,” he took a deep breath and smiled. “I did find him though, my boy. I reached out to his adoptive family, fully expecting to have to fight tooth and nail to be able to see him, or else wait a couple more years until the lad turned eighteen. But they surprised me, by allowing me to meet and get to know him. Good people, the Darlings. They sent Neal to stay with me every summer once he turned sixteen. He lives in Boston now. He’s an artist.”
“That’s wonderful,” Belle enthused, happy that at least that portion of his story had a happy ending. “How did I never…” she trailed off, suddenly remembering a sweet teenager with a mop of unruly brown hair. “Neal! I do remember him! I never knew he was your son!”
“Yes, well, I chose not to advertise it,” Gold said, shrugging. “Several people knew; Granny, Mayor Mills, the Nolans, Jefferson of course.”
“I remember when Jefferson moved here,” Belle said, wracking her memory of when she was a kid. “Why did he?”
Gold shrugged. “I never knew, exactly. The man had every reason to hate me. I ruined his career. But he…didn’t. So he moved here, and hasn’t left me alone since.”
“He cares about you,” Belle said firmly.
“I suppose.”
“And you care about him.”
“…I suppose.”
Belle smiled, reaching up to brush the hair out of his eyes, then let her fingers trail through it some more when she realized how soft it was. “It wasn’t fair, the way your wife treated you. She should have been supportive, taken care of you. Love you.”
Gold sighed. “I suppose she never truly loved me. And I think I never truly loved her, either. It was young love not…true love…if such a thing exists.”
“You don’t think so?”
Gold met her eyes, and the look in them made her melt. “Maybe…maybe I do,” he said.
They were both hesitating, and Belle made up her mind that if either of them were going to move, it would have to be her, and she leaned forward, heart thundering, inwardly cheering when he mirrored her.
The first brush of his lips against hers was unlike anything Belle had ever felt. Oh, she’d been kissed plenty, by Gaston and a handful of other crushes in school and beyond. But this was electric in a way she’d previously not thought possible, and they were barely even touching.
He made a low sound in his throat, and suddenly he was kissing her, teeth grazing her lower lip, tongue running along it until she happily let him in. She dug her hands into his hair and held on for dear life, moaning in approval when his hands slid around her waist.
After a few minutes, they broke apart, gasping for air. She grinned, and he responded in kind, smiling bigger than she ever seen from him.
“Adam…” she began, venturing to use that ‘forbidden’ first name, when a piercing sound filled the air. She had just enough time to see his smile melt into terror before they wrenched apart.
It sounded like gunshot, or mini-explosions, and the dimly lit shop flashed like a pyrotechnic show.
“What’s happening?” she cried, but when she turned to him, he was just standing there, without his cane, his face deathly white. “Adam!”
Just then, the front window exploded in a shower of flame and glass, as something hurled through it. It erupted in a shower of sparks, and Belle finally could see that it was a firecracker. A firecracker…in an antique shop.
The sparks were flying everywhere, the high-pitched whistling noise deafening in the previously silent room.  Belle ducked away, feeling pin-pricks of heat on her arms, and screaming when tiny fires started breaking out in several places; on the rack of clothes, on the books, on a pair of marionettes.
“Adam! The shop’s gonna burn down!” she yelled, but he was suddenly nowhere to be found. Maybe he’d run for help? …And left her there?
But regardless, the shop was about to go up in flames, with her inside, so she rushed to the bookcase first as the last of the firecracker died down with a dwindling whistle. She ripped a quilt off the wall and started beating at the bookcase, then took a few books off the shelf to stomp the flames off, as much as it hurt her to step on books. With that fire out, the clothes were still burning, and fast, filling the small building with acrid smoke, and that needed to be the next to be extinguished but…
“No!” Belle cried, beating the flames licking the side of the piano, wishing she knew if and where Gold had a fire extinguisher.
“Gold!” Jefferson screamed, bursting into the shop.
“Jefferson, help!” Belle yelled back. “The piano!”
“Leave it!” Jefferson snapped, grabbing her arm. “You need to get out of here! Where’s Adam?!”
“I don’t know!” she turned around, looking for him. She knew in her heart that he hadn’t left her. Maybe he was hurt. “Check the back!”
Jefferson disappeared behind the curtain just as she caught sight of a foot. She dropped to her knees with a painful thud behind the counter, where Gold was curled into a ball, rocking and grinding his teeth so hard she could hear it, his hands pressed tightly to his ears.
“Gold!” she choked out, the smoke making her eyes sting and her throat burn. “Adam!” she laid a hand on his shoulder, and he screamed, a sound that would live in her nightmares for a while to come.
Jefferson reappeared then, brushing past her and ignoring Gold’s screams to drag him bodily to his feet. “Come on!” he yelled at her, leading the way to the backroom and out the back door, dragging Gold along.
The fire department was just arriving, and the firemen rushed inside the building, thankfully putting out the fire quickly before it got any more out of hand.
“Oh my God, Belle!” Ruby yelled, breaking out of the gathering crowd to come to her side. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” Belle said, not taking her eyes off of Gold, where he sat against a trashcan, head buried in his hands. “Someone shot fireworks into the shop.”
“Are you serious?” Jefferson barked, and Belle jumped at the sharp tone of his voice, so unlike the Jefferson she knew. Ruby cowered back as well. “Someone fucking did this on purpose!”
“It could have been an accident,” Ruby offered. “Kids, maybe?”
“It was no kid, it was fucking Jones. I know it. I’ll kill him.”
“Don’t say things like that!” Ruby exclaimed, glancing back at where the police and firemen were gathered. “If Killian really did do this, they can charge him.”
Belle knelt beside Gold, afraid to touch him, but desperately wanting to comfort him somehow.
“Belle! Jefferson! Is everyone okay?” Victor asked as he and Archie made their ways past the forming police line.
Archie took one look at Gold and seemed to understand what was happening. “We need to get him off the street and away from this crowd. Come on, my office is just a building over.”
Jefferson and Victor propped Gold up between them, and carried him over to Archie’s office.
They maneuvered him into the office and to the couch. Ruby reached for the light switch, but Archie stopped her.
“No, leave it. And maybe some of you should leave for right now, he doesn’t need to feel crowded.”
Victor nodded understandingly, and led a somewhat confused Ruby out. Jefferson hesitated, clearly wanting to stay, but nodded decisively and headed for the door. “I’m going to tell Sheriff Nolen what you said about the fireworks,” he said. “And make sure he checks into Jones. You take care of him,” he said to her, and she took at as the warning it was. You better take care of him, or you’ll have me to answer to.
“What should I do?” she asked Archie helplessly, wringing her hands.
Archie handed her a cup of water, which she gratefully downed. “Maybe just sit beside him for now,” he said. “Don’t crowd him, don’t touch him. Just sit, and talk. Quietly.”
Belle did as instructed, and sat beside Gold where he was pressed against the back of the couch, his knees against his chest, his artificial leg sticking out at an awkward angle. She realized with a lurch that it was probably painful, but he either didn’t feel it at the moment, or didn’t care.
“I’m here, Adam,” she said softly, praying for the strength to keep her voice steady and the tears at bay. “Whenever you’re ready, I’m right here.”
She couldn’t think of anything to say, so remembering what he’d said about her voice, (was that really only an hour ago?) she began to sing slowly and quietly.
“See the pyramids along the Nile… watch the sun rise on a tropic isle… just remember, darling all the while…you belong to me…”
At length, Gold’s breathing evened out, and he leaned almost imperceptibly closer to her. At Archie’s nod, she placed a hand on his shoulder, and he leaned farther in, until his head was on her lap.
“…You belong to me,” Belle finished in a choked whisper, stroking his hair.
After a few more moments, she could see Gold blink, then he slowly raised his head, looking around as if he didn’t even know how he’d gotten there.
“Adam?” Belle ventured.
He looked at her, seeming to take a second to truly focus in on her, and saw the black smudges on her skin. “Oh God…” he whispered. “Belle…”
“I’m fine,” she rushed to assure him. “And I don’t think the shop suffered too much damage.”
“N…no…there was an explosion,” he said, confused. “A landmine…”
“A land…no, darling, there was no landmine, no explosion. It was just firecrackers. Someone lit them outside the shop on purpose, then shot one through the window.”
“But I felt it,” he insisted. “I could feel my leg…” he stared down at his leg, as if expecting to see a stump instead of his trouser-covered artificial limb.
“What you felt was common,” Archie said, and Gold looked up at him in surprise, clearly having not realized he was there. “You’ll probably have heard it called shell shock, but it’s actually a more complex condition known as gross stress reaction. A…delayed response, if you will, to the trauma of war.”
“I know about shell shock,” Gold said, sounding immensely tired.
“Have you experienced this before?”
“Not…like this,” he admitted. “But when I first came home after the war, I was fearful of loud sounds for a long time…still am, clearly.”
“And something like fireworks would create a direct fight or flight response in you. In most anyone who had been through an experience like yours.”
“Whoever did it must have known that,” Belle seethed. “They were deliberately trying to frighten him.”
“And they succeeded,” Gold said miserably. “I’m so sorry, Belle.”
“Sorry? What on earth for?”
“What for? Belle, my shop was burning down around our ears and I just cowered in a corner like an animal. You could have been hurt or…worse…and I did nothing.”
“You’re allowed to be afraid, Adam. God, we were just talking about what happened to you and then this happened. How could anyone blame you?”
“A real man doesn’t cower or run when someone he loves is in danger.”
Belle ignored the flutter she felt when he said “love.” “By a real man, I think you mean a human,” she said firmly. “One with fears, and flaws, just like the rest of us. Do you think it was smart of me to try to put out the fires on the books and piano, in that order? Instead of just trying to get us to safety?”
Gold chuckled despite himself. “I could hardly expect you of all people to let the books burn.”
“But books and instruments are replaceable. We aren’t. If it hadn’t been for Jefferson, we both might be dead.”
“Belle’s right,” Archie said. “You’ve been through something few of us can comprehend. I don’t even think I can. And your reaction to such a violent reminder was only human.”
“But you can’t possibly still want to be with me…er…friends with me…” he cut a shy look from Belle to Archie. “…after seeing me that way,” Gold said, but with a hint of hope in his voice that he would be proven wrong.
“You let me decide what I want,” Belle said. “And what I want right now, is to take you home and take care of you the way you did me when I was drugged. Cause that’s what a relationship is, right? We take care of each other? You, me, and our wayward child, Jefferson?”
Gold chuckled and allowed Belle to thread their fingers together. “Oh, a relationship now, is it?” his tone was playful, but she could see the genuine question there, and she only smirked in response.
“I think it’s really healthy for you to talk about this,” Archie said, smiling at the pair. “If Belle is who you’re most comfortable talking to, then that’s great. But if you like, I’m here, too, if you need to talk.”
“As a therapist?” Gold asked wryly.
“As a therapist, or just as a friend, if you’d rather. Or, perhaps Jefferson. He told me that you don’t open up to him, but don’t you think if anyone understands what you’ve been through, it’s him?”
Gold nodded, squeezing Belle’s hand. “He’s always been there for me. Always.”
“And now you have lots of people there for you,” Belle said.
He arched a brow. “Lots?”
“Well there’s Jeff, Archie, Victor, Ruby, and Neal. And you know, I think Sheriff Nolan actually really likes you. And his wife thinks you’re dashing. I remember her saying that to my mom once. And of course…there’s me.”
Gold looked like he wanted to debate her claims, but found that he couldn’t. He had friends; a family who cared about him, a woman who supported him, and that’s all there was to it.
 Chapter 5
If asked before it happened, Gold would have thought his panic attack in the shop would have irreparably humiliated him. The way he’d huddled up in fear, that Belle had been witness to such weakness, the fact that Jefferson had to carry him out of his burning shop like a child.
But the more he thought about, the more he realized it didn’t embarrass him. He wasn’t proud of it, but it was impossible to really feel shame when those around him did nothing but support him and just act happy that he was alive.
He wasn’t healed. The incident exasperated some old ticks; such as shaking hands, raised voices making him nauseated, and worst of all the phantom pains in his missing leg had returned with a vengeance, not to even mention the pain from misusing it that night. But even though it had been the worst panic attack he’d ever had, it had been the first that left him feeling almost cleansed instead of just plain sick.
A pair of smiling blue eyes had a lot to do with it.
“Belle,” he complained laughingly. “I have to get up!”
His bed had been transformed into something of a throne. All set up with pillows, (every pillow in the house,) and blankets, and a stack of books a mile high. Belle, Jefferson, and Ruby had even pitched in and bought him a brand new, portable record player, so that he could listen to music wherever.
“Nuh uh,” Belle declined with a prim shake of her head. “The doctor said to stay  off your feet for three days. It’s been one.”
“But Belle…”
“No buts! Whatever you need I can bring to you.”
“Belle…” he said again, firmly. “I need to use the bathroom.”
“Oh…” Belle blinked, blushing slightly, but recovered quickly. “Well why didn’t you say so? Do you have a bedpan?”
Now it was his turn to blush. “No! Belle, the doctor specifically said to stay in bed except to use the restroom and to bathe. I am not using a damned bedpan. I know full well how to get around. Been doing it a long time and in worse condition than this.”
He hadn’t meant to snap, truly he didn’t. Belle was only trying to be a good caretaker, and bless her heart, she didn’t quite know what she was doing. He’d often snapped at Milah that way and worse, and she responded by screaming back and stomping out of the room, not that he’d deserved any less. Belle, on the other hand, just jutted her bottom lip out at him.
“Okay, okay, crankypants,” she replied, appearing completely unfazed.
“I’m sorry,” he said at once regardless. “I shouldn’t have spoken that way to you.”
Belle smiled and reached out to brush some hair out of his face. “It’s gonna take a bit more than a testy attitude when you aren’t feeling well to put me off. Now come on, up with you before I have to change your sheets.”
He chuckled, and let her pull the covers off before swinging his legs…his leg, over the side of the bed.
Jefferson had been the one to help him change and get into bed the day before, and to help remove his wooden leg. He never slept in it anyway, save that night when Belle had begged for his comfort, but the remaining stump from just above where his knee had been was red and enflamed from the abuse it had sustained, so he couldn’t put the thing back on until the swelling went down.
It wasn’t anything knew to him. He’d gotten around plenty of times without it, but it was the first time Belle had ever seen him without it, and he paused, evaluating her expression and letting her look, despite how uncomfortable it made him. He was only in boxer shorts, after all, and his mottled flesh was on full display.
“It’s swollen,” she said in sympathy.
“Yeah, it happens sometimes when I over-exert. It’ll be okay.”
Belle lightly brushed the tips of her fingers across the mangled skin and he jumped involuntarily. “Sorry!” she said quickly, snatching her hand back.
He grabbed her hand, pulling it back to him, if only to reassure her that he wasn’t upset. “No, it’s ok. I’m just not used to anyone but my doctor and me touching it.”
Belle ran her hand more confidently over the stump, and Gold marveled at the utter lack of disgust in her eyes. He’d been hastily and agonizingly cauterized by the field medic, then later stitched up, so the result, even after so many years, was hideous. “Would a massage help, maybe?” she asked sweetly.
He flushed. “Uh…my…my doctor sometimes…but you…you wouldn’t want to…”
Belle giggled. “I would. Just let me know, okay?”
“Okay,” he said, but he highly doubted it. It was one thing to let her touch that most hated part of him, but add that to the idea of her rubbing an area very close to another, more appreciated area, was a bit more than he could handle right then.
“Right,” she said finally, taking her hand away – and, amazingly, he missed it – and stood up. “Do you need help?”
He fought to restrain his temperamental tendencies. “No thank you, sweetheart. I can handle that part on my own.”
“I didn’t mean that,” she said, laughing. “I meant getting there. Although if you asked, I would certainly help you with that as well.”
To his astonishment, she winked at him, and would this slip of a girl ever stop making him blush?
He let her help him into a standing position, and hand him his crutches. He showed her how the top parts looped around his arms, but he only needed one to get him to the bathroom and back.
He felt her eyes on him as he returned, and he tried to keep the grimace of effort off his face.
When he plopped back down on the bed, he didn’t protest as Belle bustled about to tuck him in again.
“Clucking about like a mother hen,” he said with an amused smile.
“I’m not…” she froze and stared at him. “That was a dig at my organization, wasn’t it?”
“A little bit.”
Belle slapped him playfully with a throw pillow before settling down beside him on the bed, facing him. Her eyes moved to his nightstand, which his leg was propped up beside.
“May I?” she asked hesitantly.
When he figured out what she was talking about, he nodded, and she reached over to pick up the prosthetic.
“It’s heavy!” she exclaimed in surprise.
“Yes,” he agreed, not sure how else to respond.
She slowly examined the leg, running her hands along the grainy wood and bits of aluminum at the knee and ankle joints.
“This looks uncomfortable,” she commented, fingering the rough leather straps that connected it to his thigh.
“I’m used to it,” he said. “Once the calluses built up, I didn’t notice it that much anymore.”
She moved the foot, testing the ankle joint. “Should it not move easier than this?”
He didn’t know why, but he was beginning to feel a little defensive of his wooden leg. “It shouldn’t move too easily, or else I’d fall. True, it’s a little stiff, but my leg is a far sight better than some.”
“I’m sorry!” she exclaimed. “I wasn’t meaning to sound insulting. I just…they’ve come pretty far in the development of prosthetics. I just wonder why you haven’t gotten a more comfortable one. One made of plastic.”
“Plastic?” he asked. “Uh, I guess I’d never given it much thought. I went for years with a horrible stick for a leg; my ‘temporary’ leg which was only meant to hold me off for short time until the VA gave me a new one. It was like the bottom of a crutch. Like a peg leg,” Belle winced in sympathy. “It was only after I started making money on investments that I was able to get ahold of this one. I knew it wasn’t the best…but it was sadly difficult to get a very good one.”
“Would you…” she trailed off, hesitant.
“Would I what?” he prompted. “It’s ok, I won’t be offended.”
She bit her lower lip. “Would you be interested in a new one? If maybe I could try looking into it?”
“How do you even know it’s possible?”
Belle shrugged self-consciously. “Well, Victor brought up…conversationally, that quality prosthetics were becoming more readily available for veterans, and I…may have already sent away for some information.”
“You did?” Gold asked in amazement. It hadn’t even been two ­days­ ­since she even found out that he had a fake leg!
“Are you upset?” she asked uncertainly.
Gold took the leg away from her, setting in carelessly on the floor, and gathered her up in his arms. “Upset? Oh sweetheart, how could I be upset, when you’re so wonderful?” he took her chin in his forefinger and thumb, and tilted her head up so that he could reach her lips.
It was their first kiss since the one that had ended so dramatically, but it was just as good as before.
Only this time, her tongue moved more quickly and confidently into his mouth, and he groaned in approval.
His hands went to her hair, tangling his fingers in her impossibly silky strands. She hadn’t bothered to straighten it, as she normally did, and it hung in soft, gentle curls. He adored it, and he hoped to one day find a polite way to let her know he preferred it. In the meantime, he would simply continue to muss it up to show his appreciation.
She was wiggling deliciously against him, and before he knew what was happening, she was straddling his lap. Her knee-length skirt bunched up around her thighs, so that all that remained between then was their underwear and a thin blanket.
One of his hands moved down to grip her thigh, sliding it up under her skirt until he had a hand full of her ass. She moaned in response, and moved even more.
It was like she couldn’t be still, and it was driving him insane. He knew she must feel him growing hard against him, but she must not have minded, since she only responded by grinding down against him.
Unfortunately – very unfortunately – that wonderful motion also put too much pressure on his thigh, and he involuntarily had to pull away from her delicious mouth to bite back a moan of pain.
“Oh God! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” she stammered, rushing to get off of him. He tried to pull her back, pain be damned, but she wiggled away and put a foot of distance between them. “I’m so sorry!” she repeated.
“No, no, don’t be sorry,” he insisted. “I’m sure as hell not.”
“But it was stupid to do that when you’re already in pain.”
He chuckled. “For a minute there, I forgot I had any legs, much less lacking one. Please come back here. Sit on my good leg, it’s alright.”
But she wouldn’t straddle him again, much to his dismay. She did, however, cuddle against his side, which was a good consolation.
“Maybe we should just take it slow,” she said, biting her lip again in a way that was making him crazy. “I wouldn’t want to put you back on recovery.”
“You’re not,” he insisted. “But if you want to take things slow, we will,” he looked at her face, and there was something in her expression that gave him pause, because it wasn’t just about him and his leg. “Don’t think I expect anything from you, sweetheart. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I know,” she said, smiling. “You don’t even have to tell me for me to know. I really just don’t want to hurt you…but also…”
“Also?”
“I’ve never…well, that is to say…”
He chuckled. “It’s okay to be a virgin, Belle. I’m not so old fashioned to expect it of you, but I’m certainly not going to be put off by it either.”
She sighed. “It’s just that you’re older, with more experience. You’ve had a wife, and I’m sure plenty of other lovers. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
He just had to laugh at that. “Plenty of other lovers? You make me sound like a regular Don Juan. Trust me, I’m not. My, er, partners, can be counting on one hand, and none of them were anything special, and my wife and my relationship…well, my good memories of it were pretty tainted by the memory of how it ended. You? Christ, Belle, you could dance around the room for me, fully clothed, and I would be more turned-on by it than any of my past…dalliances. I mean…” he glanced surreptitiously to his lap, and she followed his gaze, blushing hotly when she could see that he was still aroused. “As for my age...does it bother you at all? You can be honest.”
“It doesn’t bother me in the least,” she said. “I’ve been gone for you for you since I was I was thirteen. I just hope it doesn’t bother you any. That you see me as a woman, not a kid.”
“Belle, believe me, if I hadn’t seen you as a woman for a very long time now, we would not be in this very situation right now. I’ll admit, when I’d started to become attracted to you, it galled me a bit. But you’re such an intelligent, articulate, caring, beautiful woman. And for some reason you chose me. Far from bother me, my dear. I just feel damned lucky. But wait a second, what do you mean, ‘gone for me since you were thirteen’?”
“I mean I’ve had a crush on you since I was thirteen.”
He chuckled. “How could you? I was nothing more than the grumpy old man who came to collect rent once a month.”
“You weren’t and aren’t old, and I happened to find you very debonair and mysterious. You spoke to me like an equal, and that really meant something to me. You, sir, are single-handedly responsible for my sexual awakening.”
Gold made a sound like someone was pushing the air out of his lungs, and removed his arm from around his giggling Belle. “Okay! Let’s not talk about that anymore.”
“Very well,” she said, still laughing. “But it’s true. And it always felt like something completely unrealistic, like fantasizing about a book character or celebrity. It wasn’t like I had actual designs on you until…well, until that first day I came to your shop.”
“That’s a relief,” he chuckled. “And it was the same for me. But I’m happy you did.”
She grinned, then leaned up to kiss him lightly. “Me too.”
 The investigation about the fireworks hadn’t turned up any leads. If it was Killian, and Belle knew full well that it was, he’d covered his tracks well. No one had seen him outside the shop, but he had been seen at the Rabbit Hole that evening, even though no one was able to prove he’d been there at the same time as the incident.
After three days of rest, and more and more grumpiness as the days wore on, Adam was finally allowed by his doctor to put his leg back on and get out of bed.
In the three days of his bedrest, Belle had all but moved in with him for the time. Jefferson visited regularly, and he was the one to sit nearby while Adam took a bath, just in case he needed help, but he never did. Victor and Archie stopped by a couple of times too, and Ruby brought dinner every evening. Granny even accompanied her one night, gruffly informing him that she’d added some extra pickles – at no extra cost, just this once – and gave him an herbal oil that he could massage into the skin of his leg, saying that it worked wonders. Belle gave him a wink at that, which flustered him to no end, though he’d managed a thank you to the older woman.
Belle’s other friends were less understanding about her relationship with Gold, and their distrust put a huge damper on the group. Belle hoped that it would pass, and they would be able to come to terms with it.
Her father, well, he’d taken it better than Belle had feared.
“Where are you going?” he asked when she’d come home to pack for her stay at Adam’s. “You’re not moving out, are you?”
“Not just yet, Papa,” she said with a smile. “Although I’m getting up there in years, don’t you think it’s about time?”
“No,” he said bluntly. “You’re fine right where you are, until you’re married at least.”
Her father was of the opinion that a young woman remained at home until she went to live with a husband. He didn’t think young women should live on their own, and hadn’t allowed her to live in a dorm during college, though she’d only gone for two years. But Belle didn’t complain. Her father was all alone save for her, and besides, living at home allowed her to put aside a generous savings. She was only grateful that he’d never seemed keen on trying to marry her off. He’d tolerated Gaston the way only a protective father would, but seemed relieved instead of disappointed when she’d broken it off with him. When he found out, through the grapevine, just what had happened to cause the breakup, he’d been murderous. Only the pride he had in her for dealing with it on her own had stopped him from going to the boy’s house and giving him what for.
Belle had considered telling him that she’d be spending a few days at Ruby’s, but dismissed that thought. She hated lying, and besides, it was bound to get back to him eventually in this small town. And since nothing inappropriate was likely to happen while he was recovering, she had nothing to hide.
“I uh, I’m going to be staying at Adam Gold’s house for a few days.”
“Adam…who’s…wait, Mr. Gold?! The landlord?”
“Yes?” she said uncertainly.
“Why in the world would you go to stay at his house?”
“He was hurt last night, Papa. Didn’t you hear about the shop?”
Maurice’s ire deflated. “Yes, I did. That’s horrible, what was done to him. No one deserves that.”
Belle looked at him in surprise. Maurice had served in the war too, but he’d thankfully been stationed state-side, handling deployments and special operations. She knew that that didn’t mean he hadn’t had his share of grief, dealing with deployments that ended in boys being killed, but he luckily not had to go through the horror of battle. By that point, most everyone knew about Gold’s reaction to the fire, and Shell Shock was not something readily understood or accepted. But Maurice, for reasons Belle couldn’t know, seemed to truly empathize.
“It is,” she agreed. “And the incident aggravated an old injury, so he’s going to be on bed rest for a few days. He needs someone with him, to take care of him.”
“That doesn’t answer why you are going to be that person.”
Belle stood up, taking a deep breath. “Because, Papa, Adam and I…” she knew that Gold preferred people to use his last name, less personal that way, but if she was going to be talking about him in terms of being her boyfriend, she wasn’t about to call him Mr. Gold. “We’re…involved.”
“Involved?” Maurice echoed, blanching. “I’m going to need you to elaborate, I’m afraid.”
“Well, we haven’t exactly defined the relationship yet, but I have feelings for him, Papa. As he does for me.”
Belle expected one of several scenarios. Either her father would explode, tell her she was crazy and try to lock her in her room. He would become quietly furious and start listing all the ways he thought it was wrong. He would say nothing, and just go out and threaten Gold with physical harm if he didn’t leave his innocent little girl alone.
It was the one reaction Belle hadn’t anticipated that won out in the end.
Maurice shook his head, then pinched the bridge of his nose like he had a sudden headache. “Your mother would be having a field day right about now.”
“Mom…she what?”
“She told me how you puppy-dog eyed him as a teenager. She teased all the time about how you were going to grow up one of these days, and ‘go after your man’ as she put it. I know she only did it to rile me, I don’t think she ever actually expected it. But oh boy, would she be crowing now.”
Belle laughed softly. “I didn’t exactly intend to ‘go after him.’ It just sort of…happened.”
Maurice paled even further. “I don’t need details.”
“Papa! No! Nothing like that! Not…yet…”
“Ugh!”
“I’m sorry!” Belle was still laughing, dizzyingly happy that he wasn’t actually angry. “You don’t…you don’t mind?”
“Well, I’m not thrilled!” he said. “He’s old enough to be your father!”
“Technically,” Belle admitted. “But you’re almost old enough to be his. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
Maurice rolled his eyes heavenward. “He’s an asshole.”
“Not to me, never to me.”
“I know,” he sighed. “You and your mother were always fond of him. And that does count for something. If he’s good to you, princess, I suppose that’s all that really matters to me.”
Belle flung her arms around him. “Thank you, Papa! And he is. He’s wonderful.”
He patted her back before setting her back to look at her. “However, it’s very improper for you to be staying at his home without being married.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m going to take care of him. It’s not a romantic getaway.”
“Still. He’s a man, and he’s bound to enjoy it too much.”
“Oh my God, Papa, stop.”
“Stop trying to protect my little girl? Never.”
 In the end, both she and Adam had enjoyed it…a bit too much. But Belle’s only regret was that he’d been in no condition to further the…enjoyment.
It wasn’t a sense of propriety that had kept her a virgin all these years, just a simple matter of not having found anyone that she felt that connection to. Ruby, from the time she lost her virginity at seventeen, had been of the inclination that sex and love could be mutually exclusive, that sex could be just for fun sometimes. Belle was fully supportive of her best friend’s activities as long as they were safe, she just didn’t share that opinion. She couldn’t imagine being able to be that unguarded with someone unless she loved and trusted them.
And she trusted Adam implicitly, and was quickly finding herself more and more in love with him, though she hadn’t had nearly enough nerve to reveal that to him. They hadn’t even progressed to calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Although, “boyfriend” wasn’t a title that really seemed to fit him.
She checked her watch, picking up her step, waving at Marco on the sidewalk. She’d gone back home to have lunch with her father, and assure him nothing inappropriate had happened during her stay. (And it wasn’t even a lie!) But she was supposed to meet Adam at his shop, which had been cleared by the fire department, to go over the damage together. She was running late though, and growled to herself for it. She didn’t want him to have to go inside alone.
She found him standing outside, leaning heavily on his cane, and she hoped dearly that he hadn’t been waiting long. But she couldn’t help but smile at his attire, even though it must have been picked out to save his suits from the ashes. Dark wash, fitted jeans (bellbottoms would not have done him justice,) a tight, white button-up, and the same brown blazer from the rally. On his face was a pair of round sunglasses, giving him a very Ringo Starr appearance. Though in her humble option, Ringo had nothing on Adam.
His face brightened when he saw her, and it pleased her somewhat to see that instead of leaning away from his cane to try and diminish the look of dependence like she’d seen him do with many people, including herself, he leaned even more on it, to better balance while he held out his other arm for her.
She complied immediately, wrapping her arms around his torso under his jacket, and pressing her nose against the skin at his chest the lack of tie and a few buttons mercifully undone provided for her.
It was ridiculous, really, how much she’d missed him. She’d left his house only that morning, pouting shamelessly as she packed her small overnight bag back up. He’d laughed at her dramatics, trying to insist that he was still convalescent, and perhaps she ought to stay a few more days. But despite her growing feelings, moving in with him would be too fast, and they both knew it. She refused to become that girlfriend who had to hang on her boyfriend constantly, especially now that he was becoming a little more social. She desperately wanted to see him living and having fun with friends without her, as contradictory as it seemed to the fact that she had the desire to be with him all the time now.
“How are you feeling?” she asked him, scrutinizing his face for any sign of tiredness or pain. He did look tired, but she suspected it was preemptive of what they were about to do.
“Ready to get this over with,” he sighed, eying the paper-covered remains of the window. “I uh…I waited for you…because I didn’t…”
“I know,” she said, squeezing him. “I’m sorry I was late, lunch with Papa took longer than I meant for it to.”
“No matter,” he said. “I’m sure he’s been worried about his little girl, spending time in the lair of the Beast.”
Belle swatted his arm playfully. “Oh hush, you. I’ll have you know he’s been very understanding about this.”
“I’m glad,” Adam said seriously. “I would hate to cause problems between you.”
“Well, you have nothing to worry about. Are you ready to go in?”
Adam took a deep breath. “I suppose so.”
He opened the door, and led the way in, still tightly gripping her hand. Belle supposed he was still holding that breath, because he let it out suddenly. “It’s not as bad as I I’d thought it would be,” he said.
The fire had claimed the entire rack of vintage coats and dresses, which was a real shame, as there had been a couple of 1920s era gowns Belle would have loved to have tried on at some point. Most of the items that had been displayed on the wall on that side were gone as well, but luckily the fire had been mostly contained to that one side of the shop. The biggest problem, unfortunately, would be the smell and amount of smoke damage affecting the quality and value of the rest of the items and antiques.
Adam kicked at the remains of the sparkler still sitting in the middle of the floor.
“Any arrests, yet?” Belle asked.
“No,” Gold said gruffly. “And I doubt there’ll be one. They covered their tracks well.”
Belle squeezed his hand. “Ready to get started?”
He smiled at her. “Ready.”
 For the next hour, Gold and Belle (mostly Belle, to Gold’s chagrin,) dragged the items most obviously beyond repair out to the curb for trash. Then they began the tedious job of examining the rest of his inventory and deciding what could be salvaged, and what couldn’t.
They were just about to launch the daunting task of removing all the books from the bookcase, sorting the damaged books from the good ones, and then removing the burned bookcase itself, when the door creaked open, the bell above making more of a clink instead of a ding.
“You started the party without us?” Jefferson asked, leading the way, followed by Victor, Archie, Ruby, Sheriff David Nolan, and his wife, Mary Margaret.
“What are you all doing here?” Gold asked, trying to keep his voice sounding polite instead of suspicious, accounting especially for the unexpected appearance of the sheriff and his wife.
“We’re here to help!” David said cheerfully. “Leroy and his crew are on their way to get that window replaced in a jiffy!”
“I brought some cleaning supplies,” Mary Margaret said, holding up a pair of buckets. “I can get things clean and smelling fresh in no time, just you wait.”
“And Granny’ll be by later with dinner for everyone,” Ruby announced then clapped her hands together. “Now, where do we start?”
Gold looked over at Belle in astonishment, believing she must have asked them to come. But she looked as surprised as he felt, if far less disbelieving.
“I…uh…” Gold stammered, totally unsure of how to react to so many smiling faces, aimed at him. “I…thank you.”
Everyone waved off his thanks as no big deal, and scattered out to start cleaning. With everyone helping together, the work was getting completed in no time at all. David, Jefferson, and Victor were able to haul out bigger pieces of ruined furniture and pieces of drywall, and Mary Margaret and Ruby were scrubbing what was left behind. Archie helped Belle with the books, and Gold was able to move around and answer everyone’s questions about what could stay and go.
“What about this, Mr. Gold?” Ruby asked, holding up an old red dress cape, the sort worn by women from his time to formal events and such. It had been displayed elsewhere from the rack of clothes, so hadn’t sustained damage. “It doesn’t smell terribly bad. I think with a bit of airing out, it’ll be just fine.”
It didn’t take someone as adept at deal-making as Gold to catch the glint in the young woman’s eyes as she carefully handled the velvet cape.
“Oh, I’m not sure,” Gold said smoothly. “With things like clothing, it would be the height of unfairness to sell something like that that’s been through a fire. I wouldn’t be able to charge hardly anything.”
“Really? But it’s so pretty!”
Gold hummed. “I think not. But if you like it…why don’t you simply take it?”
Ruby’s eyes widened. “Oh… I couldn’t!”
“Nonsense, I’ll just have to throw it out if you don’t give it a nice home. It’s rather old fashioned, but I think you could pull it off quite well.”
Ruby grinned excitedly and wrapped it around her shoulders. Gold hadn’t been just saying that, and he’d been right. The girl’s tall build and graceful air were made for such a classic garment. “What do you think, Belle?!” she asked, near squealing.
“It looks beautiful on you, Ruby!” Belle gushed from her position on the floor, surrounded by books.
“Thank you, Mr. Gold,” Ruby said shyly before turning away to continue cleaning, an extra bounce in her step, cape flowing merrily behind her.
Belle stood up, stretching the stiffness from her legs, and came to stand beside him. “That was very sweet of you.”
“I meant what I said,” he gruffed, trying to brush off her praise. “It was either she take it, or I threw it out.”
“No, you could have sold it if you’d wanted to. You just wanted her to have it, because she wanted it, and you’re being sweet.”
“Well…the least I can do for all her help is offer her a silly length of fabric if she wants it.”
Belle reached up and placed a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth, ignoring Victor’s wolf whistle from somewhere on the other side of the shop.
Gold cleared his throat, a little overwhelmed with this level of public affection, but liking it all the same. “As for you, my dear, I do hope you have a decent stack of not quite ruined but not quite sellable books over there.
Belle blushed, guiltily following his gaze to an out-of-the-way pile, and he grinned in response. “Well…there are a few with just some singed edges, and I couldn’t bear to throw them out!”
“And I’m sure you know someone who would love to keep them.”
“Oh…I just thought maybe you’d take them.”
Gold kissed her brow. “I think not. And I also think that copy of Dracula you’ve been eyeballing for some time should find its way to that stack, as well.”
“But that one’s not damaged at all!”
“Humor me?”
Belle bit her bottom lip, but didn’t bother to argue. He knew that if he’d offered her something like jewelry, like his first impulse would tell him to do, her protests would come much stronger. But there was little chance of such a bibliophile refusing the gift of books. No, the jewelry would have to wait for her birthday.
In the end, he managed to sneakily give away “damaged” goods to everyone, once he caught the tell-tale sign of holding the object in question a bit too long, or asking him questions about it. Mary Margaret took a set of glass unicorn charms that he told her once belonged to a baby mobile. The way her eyes lit up, and one hand strayed to her middle made him suspect that even at their age, it was possible that they might soon be giving their adult daughter a brother or sister. David took, of all things, an antique prop sword. Victor, a WWI era stethoscope, and Archie, an ornamental umbrella. Only Jefferson escaped with nothing, but Gold knew that was because he knew him too well to be tricked. But Gold was especially glad that they accepted the gifts when offers of payment were vehemently refused.
Not even Leroy and his men accepted payment for the superb job they did in replacing the front window, and even went so far as to put up some new drywall in the corner that was most damaged. They wouldn’t, however, be able to stop him from lowering their rent next month.
Granny had arrived, just as Ruby said, with mounds of food, and everyone settled on whatever flat surface they could find to eat.
“You think this is ok?” Belle asked, setting aside the remains of her burger and wiping her hands before turning in her seat on the piano bench to indicate the upright. It had a large, ugly scorch mark on the side, but an earlier look told Gold that the interior had been undamaged.
“One way to find out,” Jefferson said, winking at Gold.
Gold stiffened in embarrassment, but risked a glance at Belle, who was looking back at him hopefully. She wouldn’t ask him, he knew, but he also knew that she wished he would.
And he found, to his surprise, that the thought didn’t fill him with the sick feeling of remembrance anymore. Instead of Milah’s scowls and derision, he thought only of Belle and the way she’d looked at him that night. And instead of explosions and fear, he thought of the way it had felt to play alongside his best friend to the joy of their troupe.
He wiped his own hands, turning in his seat, and lifted the cover before running a quick scale up and down the keys to test the sound.
He heard a gasp from someone behind him, either Ruby or Mary Margaret, and chanced a look to find everyone but Jefferson and Belle staring in utter surprise. With a mental shrug he began to play, the same song he’d played for Belle that night.
“It’s so beautiful,” Belle murmured. “But what is it?”
“I…wrote it,” he said quietly, not looking at her. “I started it years ago, but I finished it…well, for you.”
He glanced up to find happy tears forming in her eyes, and he looked back down at his hands quickly, before he became too flustered.
When the song finished, everyone was silent for a long beat. Mary Margaret and Ruby were staring with doe-eyed expressions that made Belle scowl playfully and David nudge his wife with his elbow.
“As lovely as that was…” Jefferson said, inexplicably now holding a trumpet in his hand, and brought it to his mouth to play a fast paced, jazzy tune.
Gold laughed, shaking his head, but followed his lead, the two falling into rhythm as easily as breathing air. The woman laughed out in delight, and everyone clapped along, until Victor suddenly compiled together the buckets, a broken tambourine, and two long paintbrushes, drumming out a rolling beat with practiced ease.
Archie leapt to his feet, dashing out the door, leaving everyone to wonder until he reappeared with his bass guitar from his office, picking up the song right away.
“Wait, I remember seeing…” Mary Margaret said, getting up to dig through some of the items they’d been sorting through and coming back with an acoustic guitar, all but shoving it into her husband’s hands. David flushed, but after a few moments spent tuning it, an entire band was in full swing.
They went back and forth between old jazz and some more modern music. And when Ruby begged for her favorite song, Heatwave, they complied. Gold didn’t know it, but he was able to pick up after a few tries.
The girls sang out, and Gold noticed Ruby from the corner of his eye, elbowing Mary Margaret stealthily before jerking her head toward Belle. He wondered what that meant, until the both suddenly stopped singing, dropping back to “backup singers,” as Belle, not paying attention, sang alone without inhibition, her voice more powerful and gravelly then he remembered.
“Whenever he calls my name, soft, low, sweet, and plain…I feel…well I feel that burnin’ flame. Has high blood pressure got a hold on me, or is this the way loves supposed to be…” she almost trailed off, noticing that she was having a bit of a solo, opening her eyes to find several other pairs gaping in astonishment. But Gold nodded at her encouragingly and she smiled and continued.
Gold could honestly say he’d never felt such a pure, easy, happiness. Even such a joyous occasion as meeting his son for the first time had been so tarnished by everything else. Right now, he didn’t just feel happy…he felt free.
In fact, there was only one thing that could make the moment utterly perfect, and like an answer to his thought, it opened the shop door.
“Dad?” a young man and woman exclaimed at the same time.
The music stuttered to a stop as everyone turned to face the newcomers.
“…Neal?!” Gold exclaimed, leaping to his feet so fast, forgetting his cane, that Belle had to shoot out a hand to stop him from falling back down.
His son was looking around with wide eyes, so was the lovely woman at his side. A woman he recognized.
“Emma!” Mary Margaret exclaimed jumping up to embrace her daughter. “What are you doing here?! You didn’t say you were coming into town!”
“What are you guys doing here?” Emma said, looking kind of dazed. “Daddy, you haven’t played in ages!”
Gold ignored them, however, rushing to pull his son into a tight hug. “My boy! Why didn’t you say you were coming to visit? Not that I’m complaining, mind you.”
“Well, when you told me over the phone about what happened to the shop, I was worried about you, having to deal with it on your own,” he smiled over his father’s shoulder. “Guess I needn’t have worried after all.”
Gold rubbed the back of his neck. “Er, yes…my uh…” he glanced around. “My…friends…they all showed up today to pitch in. We were just…celebrating, I suppose.”
“This is out of sight!” Neal gushed. “I didn’t know you could rock like that, Pop! I mean, all of you. That sounded amazing!”
“Now, what about you?” David asked Emma. “What brings you here?”
Emma shrugged. “When Neal told me about his dad, I thought I’d come too, haven’t seen you guys in too long.”
David frowned, looking back and forth between the two, as a dawning realization was coming over Gold. “I didn’t even know you two knew each other!”
Neal and Emma both reddened and suddenly tried looking everywhere but their parents. “We met up in Boston,” Emma said. “I didn’t even know he was Gold’s son at the time. We uh…started dating…”
David looked over at Gold in surprise, who only gave a one-shoulder shrug. Who his son dated was his own business, but what he knew of Emma was that she was a strong-willed, intelligent young woman, and quite lovely to boot. He knew from seeing them together over the years that Belle admired Emma, being who started their peace coalition in the first place, despite Emma being several years younger. Anyone who Belle thought so highly of was fine by him.
“Hey Emma!” Belle intoned, right on time.
Emma grinned and rushed past her father to hug her friends.
“This is really something, Pop,” Neal said, and Gold would never grow tired of the honorific. Neal called his adoptive father Dad, of course, but in time Neal had come to refer to Gold as Papa, or Pop, and Gold had been euphoric. “I’ve never seen you like this before.”
Gold gave a half smile. “A lot’s happened of late, son.”
Right then, Belle sidled up beside him, smiling up at Neal, and Gold threaded their fingers together. “Neal, I believe you’ve met Belle…my, er…girlfriend.” Belle squeezed his hand, approving the title, and Gold was relieved.
Neal blinked dumbly for a moment, glancing between the two of them, at their joined hands, then at Emma who was returning to his side.. “You’re…together?” he asked.
“Yeah, that adds up,” Emma said dryly.
“What you mean, it adds up?” Neal asked her in shock. “When have they ever…but she’s…”
“Oh come on, Neal, Belle’s been in love with your dad forever. It was only a matter of time till she wore him down.”
Belle squeaked in surprise. “Was I that obvious?!”
“Yes,” said everyone else in the room.
“Except to Gold, of course,” Jefferson said, holding up a finger. “But then again, it’s all but impossible to convince the man that someone cares about him.”
Gold gave him a wry look.
“How do we feel about this?” David asked his wife, referring to Neal and Emma.
Mary Margaret patted his arm. “We feel like Emma’s a big girl who makes her own choices, and Neal is a nice boy from a nice family.”
David sighed, but let his wife lead him back over to where the food and drink were laid out, followed by Emma, who hanged on her father’s arm and offered him a kiss on his cheek.
“Are you…okay with this?” Gold asked, indicating Belle, who’d let go of his hand to go help the others with the food and give him a moment with his son. “I know it must seem odd to you.”
“A little,” Neal admitted. “She’s close to my age, so I guess I just never would have thought about it. But…I mean…Belle’s really nice, and she’s smart, a hell of singer apparently, and Emma adores her. And, well, I had just enough time to see the look on her face while she was singing to you when we walked in and in retrospect…yeah, I’m okay with it. Not that you need my permission.”
“I know that, but I wouldn’t mind your blessing. You mean everything to me, but now…so does she.”
“Then consider yourself blessed. So it’s serious?”
Gold chuckled. “I hope it’s headed there. This hasn’t been going on very long, I would have told you otherwise.”
“That’s ok, it’s the same with me and Emma. She’s great, Papa. The fact that she didn’t so much as blink when I told her you were my biological father really cemented it for me.”
Gold remembered sixteen-year-old Neal’s ire when he learned of Storybrooke’s opinion of his father. Not toward Gold, but toward the town, stating that he couldn’t understand why everyone would hate a man for being a firm yet fair businessman. It was why Neal had never made any effort to socialize in town, and Gold had never had it in him to complain, since it meant their short visits were spent in quality time together.
“Then I’m sure I’ll love her,” Gold told him. “I’m going to admit something though; it’s a little strange that our respective girlfriends are old friends themselves.”
Neal made a face, “I know! That means they’ll talk about us! About…personal stuff!”
Gold grimaced. “That’s disconcerting. Let’s never talk about that again. Now, what did you mean a moment ago when you said, ‘Belle’s face when she was singing to me?’”
Neal laughed and patted his father on the back. “If you don’t know, old man, I won’t be the one to tell you.”
 Chapter 6
Neal and Emma ended up making their stay an extended one, with both Emma and Belle spending more time at Adam’s house than their parents’, sometimes with Ruby and Jefferson in tow.
Belle noticed that Ruby and Jefferson were becoming closer, though they still just circled around one another going back and forth between shy flirting and trading bantering insults. It made Belle impossibly happy, like they were all becoming one big family.
No sleepovers had happened, however, both Belle and Emma feeling a little too awkward about it, since it would have all been in the same house. Well, there had been one sleepover, but not the kind the men had much part of.
Adam had been baffled, huffing protests and insincere outrage when the three women set up camp in his bedroom…and kicked him out. They’d all been there, watching a late night airing of The Wolfman on TV, and had been too sleepy to make their ways home. Adam had offered them all to spend the night, and she could tell he’d been hoping that she would bunk with him, if only to sleep. But the women had been giggling like teenagers when they staged a revolt and took over his bedroom, since it was the only one with a bed big enough for all of them.
Adam huffed and puffed and complained, but Belle could see the glint of indulgent amusement in his eyes, otherwise she would have made the other girls go. When he later delivered some chocolate ice cream and bottles of pop before retreating to the guest room, she knew that all was well. If anything, she suspected he got a sense of pleasure out of her laying claim to his space.
“I gotta know,” Ruby said as they all sat cross-legged on the bed, passing around the tub of ice cream. “Have you and Gold done the dirty, yet?”
“Ruby!” Belle squealed, slapping her with a pillow.
“No details necessary, please,” Emma said, grimacing. “And for the love of God, don’t tell me it if it was in this bed.”
“Well I want details!” Ruby insisted. “Especially after seeing him play the piano. Those fingers…”
“Ruby!” both other girls moaned.
“Ruby, stop!” Belle repeated, laughing. “We haven’t done anything yet.”
“Nothing?” Emma asked, surprised despite herself. “Really?”
“Really. I mean, for one, we haven’t really gotten a chance. All of our alone time seems to have been spent with one of us being incapacitated. And with Neal here it’s just too weird.”
“I’ll say,” Ruby said, laughing. “Do you two realize that if you both got married, Emma would be your step-daughter in law?”
Belle made a face. “Must we?”
“But Mooom!” Emma whined laughingly, causing Belle to shove her almost off the bed.
Belle was laughing so hard, she almost fell off too. “Enough of that, young lady!”
They were halfway to laughing themselves sick when they remembered that there were others in the house trying to sleep, and managed to quiet down.
“So, do you want to?” Ruby asked, like a dog with a bone when it came to topics of a romantic nature. “I know with Gaston you had no interest…”
Belle wrinkled her nose in distaste. “Gaston was different. And I do want to with Adam…” she chuckled. “I really do. But I don’t want to just jump into bed with him for the sake of it, you know? I want it to happen when it feels right for both of us. I want everything to go right with us.”
“You really love him,” Ruby said dreamily.
Belle flushed. “I…well, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. But anything more than that, I think maybe he ought to be the first to hear it.”
“Neal and I have been sort of dancing around that word,” Emma admitted. “And we did pretty much fall into bed for the sake of it. But we weren’t star-crossed lovers like you and Gold, and more built after that.”
Belle snorted at the ‘star-crossed lovers’ line. “And what about you, Miss Lucas?”
“What about me?”
“Please,” Emma rolled her eyes. “Don’t think we haven’t noticed you and Jefferson being all cute together. Can’t say I blame you, he’s fine.”
Ruby blushed, and Belle’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Normally, Ruby had exactly no problems with raving on about anyone she found attractive, and how she was going to hook them. So this quiet bashfulness was something else indeed.
“He’s not what I always thought he was,” Ruby said. “I mean, I always thought he was a real kook, but it turns out he has some problems, just like Gold, only instead of covering up with grouchiness, he covers up with…”
“Eclecticness?” Belle offered kindly.
“Yeah,” Ruby chuckled. “But beneath the flapping around, and silly hats, he’s really sensitive. And I mean, you know, Belle, how protective he is of people he cares about.”
And Belle did know. Jefferson was fiercely protective and loyal to Adam, and in turn had become just as so to Belle. He treated Neal like a little brother, and Belle could easily see the way he was beginning to act toward Ruby. Jefferson, as a mate, Belle knew would be endlessly loyal and kind. Just the type of person she thought her best friend deserved.
“That tells me what a good person he is,” Ruby continued. “But I dunno, there’s almost as big of an age gap as you and Gold, and what if he doesn’t like me because of my reputation?”
Emma scoffed. “If he didn’t like you because of a reputation, he’d not only be a jerk, but a hypocrite.”
“I really don’t think he’s the type of person to worry about that,” Belle said. “And you must know my opinion on age gaps!”
“Maybe,” Ruby said, but she was smiling.
 Belle lay in a heap with her snoring friends that night, staring at the ceiling and having a mental debate with herself.
She wanted Adam, but even though she meant what she said about wanting to wait for the right time, truth was, she was scared. Scared of not being any good, scared doing something wrong. Scared, simply, of the unknown.
A part of her almost wished she wasn’t a virgin just so she wouldn’t be so damned nervous.
It wasn’t like she didn’t know what would happen. She read plenty of books, after all, and then there had been that dirty magazine that Ruby had gotten her hands on in 10th grade.
But, she suspected that even if she’d been with a hundred guys, she’d still be nervous because she’d never been with him.
Well, she wasn’t getting any sleep anyway, so, heart hammering, she wiggled out from underneath Ruby’s arm and slipped out of bed, tiptoeing out the door.
She glanced both ways down the hall, listening for any sounds of anyone being awake. The light in Neal’s room was off, but so was the one in the guest room.
Do the brave thing, Belle thought to herself, remembering a quote from her favorite book. And bravery will follow.
 Gold lay awake in bed, unable to sleep, both from being unceremoniously kicked out of his own bed and into an unfamiliar one, and just from the events of the past couple of days. He simply wasn’t accustomed to this much contentedness. It almost made him afraid, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But Jefferson had caught something in his expression the other night, picking up on that train of thought and shutting it down immediately.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he’d said. “And you need to stop. You can’t live a life pushing away happiness before it can be taken from you. We may not know what may happen tomorrow, but we have to just live, and be glad we’ve been given the chance to.”
Gold had nodded, remembering shamefully all the men and boys he’d known that hadn’t been given the chance to live, and by God, he was determined to give up hiding.
And it was all because of Belle, with her smiles and her light and simply being who she was. She made him feel whole, and worthy of love. And that was a gift he could only hope to repay by making her as happy as he could.
The thought of her brought a smile unbidden to his face, as it always did. He thought of her face earlier that night, mischief warring with her usual joyful expression as she and the other girls commandeered his room. He’d obliged their game by providing the appropriate amount of fuss, all the while not really minding at all. In fact, it made him absurdly happy that Belle was so comfortable with his personal space that she claimed it as hers. That, and laying in the dark, listening to girlish laughing, with his son sound asleep in the next room, made his house feel more like a home than it ever had before.
He was so caught up in his musing, and was perhaps starting to doze, that he didn’t notice his door open and then shut again. He didn’t realize anyone was in the room with him, until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
He jumped, eyes flying open and half-way sitting up. But it was only the object of his thoughts, standing beside his bed, looking impossibly sweet and innocent in his button-up shirt. Wait…when had she changed into that?
“Belle,” he whispered.
“Sorry,” she said, wincing. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“No…no…it’s fine, really. Are you okay? Did you need something, sweetheart?”
Even in the dark, Gold could see her bite her bottom lip, and surely she knew by now what that did to him. Wordlessly, she lifted the covers, and he immediately scooted over to make room.
He made no hesitation to wrap her up in his arms, breathing deep the fresh, floral scent of her. She was still for several minutes, and he thought she’d fallen asleep, until she was twisting slightly in his arms, tilting her face up to his. Not needing to be asked twice, he lowered his mouth to hers, groaning low in his throat.
For a time they simply kissed, sweet, nibbling kisses, hands remaining still. But then she started to move, rolling until she was half on top of him, one hand going straight into his hair, like always.
Gold slid one hand down, then up under her (and he suspected that it was now officially hers) shirt to grasp her bottom, causing her to wiggle delightfully. For her part, the hand not tangled in his hair roamed his chest, popping open the buttons of his pajama top.
He pulled away from her mouth, only to move across the side of her jaw, licking and biting and making his way down until he found a spot at the juncture of her neck and shoulder that made her breath hitch, and fastened his mouth there. He sucked the skin there into his mouth only lightly, not enough to leave a mark. He would wait and get her permission before he did that. It was enough, though, to have her bucking against him, whining pitifully.
In his limited experience, Gold had never made love to a virgin before. Instead of scandalized, he’d been relieved when Milah told him she’d been with other men before him. It had lifted some of the pressure. But Belle meant more to him than all of his previous lovers combined, and she’d never been with another man. It frightened him, because the last thing he wanted in the world was to hurt or scare her, or make it anything but a pleasurable experience. But it also made him feel honored, and if this was a gift Belle wanted to give him, he was going to give it back to her tenfold.
Feeling bold in the face of her obvious pleasure, he sat up a little to flip them over, so that he was on top. He pulled back briefly, just to check her face and make sure everything was still ok. Her pupils were blown, looking impossibly dark in the dim light of his room.
“Adam,” she whispered, launching up to catch his lower lip in her own.
She was still wriggling, seeming completely unable to be still, and he relished it. He brought a hand tentatively up to cup her breast, growing more confident when she moaned, thumbing the pebbled nipple through the fabric of the shirt.
His other hand was still down by her thigh, moving in slow, soothing circles inward, closer to where he most wanted to be.
He pressed his erection into the mattress, trying to relive a little of the pressure, but it was difficult, braced as he was on one knee. He thought, dimly, that it would be easier with her on top, or with his prosthetic leg on the way he’d done with his last bedmate.
But Belle was innocent, and may be uncomfortable being on top, and he didn’t have it in him to stop things long enough to put on his leg.
The thought of logistics at least brought a little more blood back to the correct head, which allowed him to focus on who really mattered here. Belle.
She was moaning wildly, and…actually…starting to get a little loud. It was erotic in the extreme, but he had to remember that there were three other people in the house.
But then, suddenly, her sneaky little hand was down at his groin, and then she was touching him, and fucking hell, his son and the girls were adults. They would get over it.
Never one to take and not give, his fingers found her center, hot and soaking through her panties. He gave a moan of his own, hardly able to believe her reaction to him, and began to rub lightly.
“Adam,” she whined, and he shushed her with a kiss, despite his earlier thoughts.
The hand artlessly – yet distractingly – caressing him faltered, but he didn’t care, only doubled his pace on her. Her breath was coming in quick little pants, and he knew she was close, as incredible as it was.
He kissed down her past her neck, finding a nipple and fastening his mouth on it through the shirt. He maneuvered one finger under her panties, having to bite his tongue at how soft and slick she felt.
And then…everything went wrong.
She bucked into his hand, but her leg moved suddenly, catching his bad one, making him fall against her and cry out in pain.
“Oh my God,” she exclaimed, “Adam, honey, I’m so sorry!”
He rolled off of her, but was unable to speak for just a moment. It was only by chance that she’d happened to hit just the right spot, which made his muscles convulse painfully.
“I’m sorry,” she was repeating over and over, and he realized with a feeling like a punch to the gut, that she was crying.
“Belle!” he exclaimed, forgetting his pain and sitting up, pulling her with him. “Oh sweetheart, no, oh please don’t cry.”
“I hurt you,” she whimpered. “I’m so sorry!”
“I know,” he crooned, pulling her into his arms. “Oh, love, it was an accident. I knew I shouldn’t have been positioned like that without my leg, it was my fault. You’re breaking my heart, please.”
Belle wiped her eyes, sniffling. “It’s just I was so afraid of doing something wrong, or hurting you. And I managed to do both.”
Gold pulled back, taking her face in his hands. “Belle, you listen here; you did absolutely nothing wrong. I believe you could tell just how much I was enjoying that. There’s nothing you could do wrong. Nothing! Sex is just…well, it’s awkward, sweetheart, especially at first. It’ll never be like it is in books, throbbing members and whatnot,” she giggled at that. “Sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right. I’m forty-five years old, love, and I still haven’t managed to get it right!”
“I know it’s not like books,” she said. “I just thought the woman was supposed to experience pain the first time, not the man.”
She’d chuckled at her own joke, but he frowned. “For starters, the woman isn’t supposed to experience pain. I suppose sometimes they do, but love, I have every intention on assuring that you experience nothing but pleasure.”
Belle’s eyes widened, and she bit her lower lip. It was enticing, but Gold mentally scolded his own throbbing member to behave itself. He was still hurting, and they were probably already going to have to deal with the embarrassment of everyone having heard them in the morning. No sense robbing them of sleep, too.
“Sorry,” he said, remembering something suddenly. “You don’t like to be called ‘love.’”
Belle smiled. “It’s different when you say it.”
That sounded, to him, like an invitation, but he found his mouth had suddenly dried up.
“You want to sleep?” she asked shyly.
He laid down on his back, holding out an arm so she could nestle along his good side.
“Belle?” he said after a few moments of comfortable silence.
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“And I love you, too, Adam.”
 The morning hadn’t been as awkward as he’d feared. Emma and Ruby had seemed none the wiser, so perhaps they’d been sound asleep. He knew at least Ruby wouldn’t be clueless for long, if the way Belle was dragging her out of the house was any indication. No doubt to tell her all about it. He hoped that Ruby would comfort her, and reassure her that she’d done nothing wrong.
Jefferson had popped over for breakfast, exchanging bashful smiles with Ruby before the three girls left. But not before Belle had kissed Gold sweetly and told him she loved him, and he high suspected he’d never get tired of hearing that.
“Damn, I missed out!” Jefferson laughed. “You didn’t tell me all the girls were sleeping over!”
“They took over my bedroom,” Gold said, hurrying to complete the sentence when Jefferson’s eyes and mouth flew open wide. “Without me, you imbecile!”
“But Belle didn’t stay there…” Neal said solemnly.
Gold and Jefferson turned to look at him, only then did Gold realize how quiet his son had been all morning. “Huh?” Jefferson asked.
Neal was sitting at the breakfast table, looking for all the world like he was about to tell a spooky ghost story. “I…heard things.”
“Oh no,” Gold muttered.
“Oh no!” Jefferson said as well, in an entirely different tone.
Neal wasn’t done, however. “Sounds…sounds from nice, sweet Belle and my father that I never wish to hear again.”
Jefferson was howling, while Gold had his head buried in one hand.
“Will you two get over it?” Gold barked. “You’re both grown men, for crying out loud!”
But they didn’t get over it, and Gold had to hear about it for the rest of the morning.
 “Aw, don’t worry Belle, awkward shit like that happens to everyone,” Ruby said sympathetically once Belle had told them the embarrassing tale as they walked to Granny’s.
“Yeah, seriously, it’s no big deal,” Emma agreed, bravely overcoming the discomfort of hearing about her boyfriend’s dad’s sex life.
“That’s what Adam said,” Belle said with a sigh. “I still feel lousy that I ruined our first time.”
“Well, technically speaking, it wasn’t your first time, so don’t sweat it,” Ruby said. “But I’m glad he was cool about it, I’d have to gut him if he’d made you feel bad.”
Belle chuckled. “Oh no, quite the opposite, he was so sweet.”
“I couldn’t help but overhear you exchange the ‘L’ word this morning,” Emma said with a smirk.
“Yeah,” Belle said, cheeks hurting from grinning so wide. “But okay, let’s talk about something else. How’re things in Boston, Emma?!”
“Great!” she said. “Neal and I are headed to this really important protest in Washington in a couple of months. Maybe you guys could come?”
“That’d be amazing!” Ruby said. “I’ve never been to a real protest like that before.”
“Maybe,” Belle said hesitantly.
“Oh don’t worry, Belle, it’ll be totally peaceful. We’re not one of the more rowdy groups.”
“It’s not that,” Belle said. “I’ve just been sort of rethinking things lately.”
“What,” Ruby said. “Do you not want to be part of HEN anymore?”
Belle shrugged. “Maybe? Maybe not. I don’t know. I haven’t changed my views on things, just…how I want to go about changing them.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Emma said softly. “I march, and protest, and rally, not because I expect an immediate result, but because it’s all I can do right now. I’m not a congressperson or the President, I can’t sign a paper that gives women power, or people the right to love the way they want to, or that stops wars. But it doesn’t hurt…and it’s a start. If you think you need a different way, Belle, then you should go that way. I honestly believe you could do more and go farther than any of us could.”
Belle blinked in utter surprise. “Wh…me? Why?”
Emma shrugged, and looked at Ruby, who shrugged as well, as if to agree.
“You’re you, Belle,” Ruby answered for Emma as if it were simple as that. “You have more conviction and empathy in your pinky finger than most people have in their whole bodies. And you have this crazy knack for making people wanna be better.”
Belle hardly knew what to say. She had no clue that anyone thought that way about her, and it was humbling to say the least.
“We need a fundraiser first, though,” Emma said. “Before the Washington rally. Actually, Belle, I was hoping you’d help me out with it, and maybe hold it here in Storybrooke.”
“Oh, I don’t know…” Belle hesitated.
“What you did before with the concert was good, just…not with that crowd, you know?”
Belle and Ruby both chuckled.
“What I’m thinking is, we have a festival. Members of my group make things like dreamcatchers and blankets that always sell good, and that money can go toward the trip. Meanwhile, I’d like for actual ticket sales for the event to go toward a bigger cause or a charity, so it’s not all about us, yeah?”
“It sounds like a great idea,” Belle admitted. “Like what I had hoped for, but better. What do you need me for?”
Emma gave her a look. “I can’t do it without you, Belle! I don’t know a lot about what charities are the best, but I bet anything that if you don’t already have an idea, you’d find one. And I was hoping you’d take charge of the entertainment.”
“I do have a couple of ideas about a good cause,” Belle said. “But why would you want me to book the entertainment? My track record there isn’t stellar!”
“But that wasn’t your fault,” Ruby said. “Except maybe succumbing to peer pressure. This time you have the support you should have had the first time.”
Belle grinned up at her friends, her mind already whirring with ideas.
The nice moment was ruined, however, by a very unwelcome presence.
“Hello, ladies,” Killian said in that usual smarmy way of his. “And little Emma Nolan, pleasure to see you again, love.”
“Jones,” Emma said flatly. “Where’re your lackeys? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without their presence to prop you up?”
Killian flapped a hand dismissively. “Eh who knows, and who needs ‘em. Meanwhile, I happen to find myself looking for some company,” he stepped closer to Emma. “What do you say, love? Want to go park at the beach in that little bug of yours watch the submarine races with me?”
Emma smiled in a way Belle knew to be dangerous. “How about a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest, you or the submarine?”
Killian backed away, trying to appear unfazed, although Belle could see his jaw clench. “Cute. How about you, Belly? Tired of grandpa yet? Or maybe he hasn’t managed to stop crying and crawl his way out of the corner long enough to get it up yet.”
Ruby gasped, and Belle saw red, lurching forward to – she didn’t know yet, claw his eyes out, maybe punch him. She’d figure it out. But Emma stayed her hand, speaking calmly. “Just what are you referring to, Killian? Were you there the night of the fire?”
For a split second, his expression faltered, replaced by a look of fear, but it was gone before Belle could really pinpoint it. “Nah, I just heard all about it. How pathetic is it that a couple stupid bottle rockets would scare the pansy?”
Emma smirked. “Funny, my father told me that the only bit of information made public was that the fire was started by one firework. A sparkling shower. No one else knew anything about the bottle rockets fired first.”
Belle gaped at her friend, and so did Killian, who rushed to backtrack. “I…I didn’t know, I just said bottle rockets! What’re you trying to do, pin this on me?”
Emma made a wounded face. “I’m only making conversation. I’d never try to pin anything on someone who didn’t do it.”
“Fuck you,” Killian said, then looked at Belle. “And you too. Hope you enjoy sucking off that shriveled old gimp.”
Belle froze, then looked up at Emma, who was still holding her arm. “Okay,” Emma said calmly, then released her.
Before Killian could dodge, Belle’s fist stuck out, punching him in the stomach. He wheezed, bowling over. “Stupid bitch!” he yelled, before hobbling away.
“That felt good,” Belle said.
“Felt good from over here, too! And I didn’t even do anything!” Ruby exclaimed. “Was that bullshit coming out of his mouth good enough as a confession, Emma?”
“Unfortunately, no, I don’t think so,” Emma said. “I caught him with the bottle rocket thing. But Dad didn’t actually say that that part was specifically not made public. It wasn’t listed in the report under ��cause of fire” though.”
“Still,” Belle said. “That was good. You ever think about becoming a cop?”
Emma smirked. “Like Daddy? Nah. But…” she shrugged. “Maybe something more like…a detective?”
“That’d be amazing, Emma!” Belle said. “You ever said anything to your dad?”
“No, I haven’t told anyone, not even Neal, but I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Well,” Ruby said, “If I were a crook, I’d be afraid.”
 “Hm, not bad, Princess,” David told his daughter, when the three women had caught up with the sheriff at Adam’s shop, where he’d dropped by to suggest installing a sprinkler system. “You kept calm, didn’t get agitated, just like I taught you!”
Emma grimaced at her father’s nickname, but beamed at his praise. “I just wish I could have gotten more out of him. It would have been enough, right? With three witnesses?”
“Maybe try to refrain from interrogating him unless I’m around, but it was a good try,” David said.
“It sounds to me like you have more than enough to put him behind bars,” Gold groused. “Forget what he did to my shop. He deserves to pay for what he did to Belle.”
“What did he do to Belle?” Emma asked, eyes narrowing.
“You didn’t hear?!” Ruby screeched. “The ass spiked Belle’s drink at our last rally with acid. And then he tried to come on to her. Who knows what he would have done if Gold hadn’t come along.”
“I’ll kill him,” Emma said plainly, as if talking about getting coffee, eliciting a smile of approval from Adam.
“Unfortunately,” David broke in. “It was the keg that was spiked, and we couldn’t prove that he’d done it. And Belle herself decided not to press charges for the assault.”
“You what?” Adam asked Belle, appalled. “Why didn’t you press charges?”
Belle sighed. “Because I didn’t want too much limelight on the whole event. I’m lucky David didn’t bring me in due to the drug use there. Besides, he didn’t do enough to get more than a slap on the wrist, not that I’m complaining. But he is going down for what he did to you and the shop.”
“And even if we can’t peg him for it,” David said. “I’m going to just keep watching him. It’s only a matter of time before he slips up.”
“That’s all well and good,” Gold growled. “Until his next slip up causes someone to get really hurt!”
David spread out his hands. “I’m doing the best I can, Gold. I have to do this by the book.”
Adam glared at the sheriff, a look that made Belle’s breath catch in her throat. She’d heard of “the Beast” of course, but she’d never seen it. She knew he wasn’t threatening David though, and felt like David knew that as well.
“You have to,” Adam said warningly.
“Gold…” David said firmly, pointing a finger. “Don’t you go getting any ideas. I let you off the hook for hitting Killian, because you were just defending Belle. Premeditation is something completely different!”
Adam shrugged innocently, folding both hands over the top of his cane. “I don’t know what you mean, Sheriff.”
“Cut the crap,” David said with a roll of his eyes. “We’re past this, Adam.”
Adam’s cheek twitched in annoyance at the use of his first name, and Belle had to bite her lip to keep from smiling.
David sighed. “I have to go. But I’m warning you Gold, don’t do anything stupid!”
“I’d never,” Adam said innocently.
“David’s right,” Belle said after the sheriff had left. “Leave it be, Adam. Killian isn’t worth you getting into trouble over.”
“He hurt you,” Adam said tightly, grasping her arm and squeezing gently. “He hurt you, he assaulted you, he could have killed you in that fire, and he insulted and spoke crudely to you on the street. How can I just let this stand?”
Belle took his face between her own hands. “By knowing that he’ll get what’s coming to him. It may not be right away, but it’ll happen. Bad people always get what they deserve.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
She pecked his lips lightly. “I am. And you’re sure about me, right?”
At that, he smiled lovingly. “I am.”
“Oookay, y’all know we’re still here, right?” Neal said, indicating himself, Emma, and Ruby.
Adam made a thoughtful face. “And just why is that exactly?” Belle swatted him playfully.
Emma chuckled, offering Belle a quick hug before dragging her boyfriend and friend out of the shop.
Adam sighed once they were gone, pulling Belle closer. “As much as I adore my son,” he said. “And though I find I don’t really mind all of my other new…friends. It gets rather tiring having so…many people around all the time.”
Belle tensed slightly, worrying her lower lip. She’d been a little afraid of this. He had, after all, been a loner for a long time. “Um, that’s understandable. It’s a lot in a short amount of time. You know…you can…you can tell me if you want time alone. It won’t hurt my feelings…I can go right now…”
“Belle, Belle,” Adam tried to cut off her rambling. “Sweetheart, I didn’t mean you! I’m sorry you took it that way.”
“No, really, don’t worry about me…”
“Belle, do you want to spend more time apart?”
Belle’s eyes widened. “No! I didn’t mean that! I just…”
This time, Adam cut her off by kissing her, indulging a good few minutes before slowly pulling back. “Having a lot of people around all of the time is odd to me after so long in my own dull company, but it’s time alone with you that I’ve come to truly cherish. If anything, I worry about monopolizing your time.”
Belle shook her head. “I guess we’re just a couple of dips, aren’t we?”
Adam chuckled. “I suppose we are. Now, can you stay a little while now? Or do you have to get to the floral shop?”
“No I have some time…” her eyes twinkled. “If you’re wanting company, that is.”
“Always, my dearest,” he said. “No matter my mood, no matter how much of an ass I’m being, no matter if I want everyone else in the world to just go away, there will never be a time that I don’t want you around.”
“Never is a long time,” Belle said. “And you haven’t seen me when I’m grumpy.”
“Perhaps those can be the days I try to cheer you up. Or perhaps those can be the days we can just be grumpy together.”
Belle chuckled. “I oddly like the sound of that. Now listen, there’s something I wanted to run by you, but not when anyone else was around.”
One of Adam’s eyebrows rose in interest. “Oh? And just what would that be?”
“Don’t get too excited. You probably won’t like it. But that’s why I wanted to ask you first.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“I think I’m done with HEN.”
Now Adam’s brows were rising in surprise. “What? Why, Belle? If that Jones boy has scared you from…”
“No, no, it’s not because of him. Really. I just keep thinking about what you said about not actually getting anything done.”
“Belle…I…I shouldn’t have discouraged you that way, I’m sorry. You do make a difference, just by being who you are!”
Belle smiled shyly. “Emma and Ruby actually said something similar. I’m not saying I want to give up trying to make a difference, I just think I want to try going at it a different way.”
Adam ran a hand up and down her back. “And what’s that?”
“There are plenty of people protesting the war, people like Emma, and they’re doing the best they can. But I don’t think there are enough of us trying to help the people coming home from the war. I’ve been doing research, and the VA is overwhelmed and poorly managed. These men and their families need help. I want to start an organization to help them with things like therapy and medical needs…like prosthetics. Also legal help, and getting the benefits the government owes them. And hopefully in time, the war will be over for good, and I can help anyone who has trouble getting the help they need. But I don’t know enough about that sort of organization so I thought…maybe I should go back to school…”
Adam shook his head in wonder. “Belle, honey, that sounds wonderful. God, if only more people in this world could be more like you. And if you want to go back to school, I will support you every step of the way, and help in any way I can…or that you’ll let me. But why did you think you need to ask me?”
“Well, that wasn’t the part I wanted to ask you about,” she said, grinning sheepishly. “I just had to tell you that part first. Emma is planning a festival, and she mentioned maybe holding it in Storybrooke. It’ll attract a big crowd, but not like the last one. And it’ll be a fundraiser, and she asked me if I could choose a worthy cause to donate to, and I think it should be the DAV.”
“That’s great…but…”
“Okay, okay, here’s the part I wanted to ask you…” she took a deep breath, fortifying her nerve. “Will you play?”
Adam balked, releasing her and stepping away. “Belle…”
Belle waved her hands excitedly. “Just hear me out for a second, please?”’ Adam nodded for her to continue. “It would really be something good, a group comprised of war veterans, showing themselves as normal, relatable people, not violence-hungry barbarians. It would be you, Jefferson, Victor, Archie, and David. Storybrooke would love it, and so would everyone else! Adam, you are so, so talented, and I, personally, believe the world should know. But…if you don’t want to, or you just feel like you’re not ready…then say the word, and I won’t ask again.”
Adam stared hard at her, and Belle could find absolutely no hint of what he was thinking. She hoped, at least, that he wasn’t angry, but she meant what she said. If he said no, she would leave it at that.
He sighed, then ran his hand through his hair. “Can I think about it?”
“Yes!” Belle exclaimed. “Yes, definitely! Take all the time you need! I mean, the benefit is in a couple of weeks, but yes! Please, think about it.”
He chuckled. “Why don’t you come back this evening? I found some more albums while we were checking through the inventory. We can have some dinner and listen to music, and I’ll give you my answer.”
“Oh, ok!” Belle said happily. “That sounds great! Just us?!”
“Why do you think I’m inviting you to my shop instead of the house? Yes, I’m asking for some alone time with you. …That okay?”
“More than,” Belle said slyly. “In that case, I guess I’ll see you tonight.”
 Belle bustled through the day, all but forgetting about her request to Adam in her anticipation of just being alone with him for an extended period of time. She didn’t expect them to do anything, but it would be so nice to just sit and cuddle and kiss without Neal, Jefferson, or Ruby playfully going “eww” or worse, offering commentary like they were narrating a nature documentary.
“And now we see that the male is tentatively initiating a mating dance with the female. She will either accept or reject his advances depending on her reaction to his hand on her…”
“Shut UP, Jefferson!!”
“The male has become territorial…”
She ran up to the apartment above the florist that she shared with her father after her shift to change into a nicer outfit. She considered her favorite yellow dress. She hadn’t worn it since the failed rally, and worried it would just serve to remind Adam of the way she was mid-trip. But it was still one of her favorites. In the end, though, she decided to give it more time, and opted instead for a blue dress she seldom wore. It was more demure than most she had, fitted, but with a more conservative hemline. It had a white collar and pockets, but it was the added detail of a row of buttons all the way up and down the back of the dress that she liked the best. It made it difficult to get into by herself, but she thought it was ginchy.
And…as a second thought, she decided to wear her best underwear. It didn’t matter whether he saw them or not, but it made her feel more confident regardless. She didn’t have time to iron her hair, but the curls were framing her face nicely, and if the evening went the way she’d like it to, her boyfriend would only end up mussing it up anyway.
“Going on a date?” her dad asked as she made her way back through the store.
“Yep,” she chirped.
“Are you…uh…staying over?”
“Papa…” she said warningly. “None of your business, remember?”
He sighed. “I only meant should I expect you home tonight? Grown up or not, I worry when I don’t know where my daughter is.”
Belle smiled, and kissed his cheek. “Sorry. We’re just eating dinner at his shop. If I end up back at his house, it’ll just be in the company of Neal and probably Emma. I’ll phone you if I do, though, okay?”
“Alright,” he relented. “Doesn’t it bother you, your boyfriend having a son closer to age to you than he is?”
“Not as much as one would think,” she said, shrugging. “You don’t always pick who you love, right?”
“Love?” he asked, eyes wide. “Never heard you talk like that before. Are you in love with him?”
“Yeah, I am,” she said, smiling. “I know our relationship will have obstacles, but they don’t even really feel like obstacles to me, because I’m just so happy to overcome them with him.”
“You look happy.”
“I guess that’s because I am.”
Maurice sighed long-sufferingly and hugged her. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. And I guess this means I probably ought to spend some time with the man, get to know him outside of rent collection.”
“I think that would be great, Papa! But…not tonight, bye!”
With that, Belle practically skipped out, making her way quickly to her love’s shop. When she opened the door, smiling at the sound of the brand new bell, she didn’t immediately see him. Figuring he was in the back, she took the liberty of flipping the sign to “Closed” and firmly locked the door. Just for good measure.
She walked over to the chaise lounge, thankfully undamaged in the fire, and now practically hidden behind the piano, and saw a small table set up with hors d’oeuvres; cheese, bite-sized sandwiches, strawberries, and wine.
Smiling, she turned around, meaning to find her errant love, only to find him standing right behind her, a soft look in his eyes. How the man moved so quietly with a limp and a cane was a mystery.
“I know you didn’t get this from Granny’s,” she said, grinning up at him.
He chuckled. “No I did not, I happened to put this together myself. I thought it would be easiest to eat while we sit and listen.”
“Looks perfect to me.”
Belle sat as Adam set a record to playing, Marvin Gaye by the sound of it, not that she was really paying that close attention to anything but him. When he sat down beside her, she offered him one of the sandwiches, giggling in surprise when he bit it out of her hand. Thinking that was a nice idea, she offered him a small bite of cheese the same way. He plucked it from her with his teeth, accidentally nipping her finger in the process. She gasped, and he took her hand, wordlessly apologizing for the bite by sucking the offended digit into his mouth.
Belle chuckled nervously when he released her, and she settled more comfortably against him. When he offered her a bite of food, she followed his example, biting the strawberry while he held it, and when it was gone, darting her tongue out to catch the juice on his hand. It was an unconscious gesture, not meaning to be seductive, but she couldn’t miss the way his eyes seemed to darken.
They fed each other in companionable silence, the only sounds being the crooning coming from the record player, and the occasional laugh when their game got a little messy.
When they were done, they sat back, cuddled together, sipping the wine.
“I made a decision,” he said at last.
“A decision? Oh! A decision! Okay. And please, don’t worry, I won’t be mad if the answer is no. Truly.”
“The other boys would like it,” he said quietly.
“Yes…” she said, not daring to hope. “They would. I think maybe you would too. But only if you want to, and feel ready.”
“…And it would benefit the DAV.”
“…Yeah.”
“Okay.”
Belle blinked. “W…what? Okay?”
“I said okay. I’ll do it.”
“S…seriously?! Just like that?!”
Adam chuckled. “Do you want me to, or not?”
“Yes, of course! But…are you sure?”
“I’m sure. On one condition.”
Belle grinned. “Name it!”
“On the condition that you’ll sing.”
Belle’s smile fell slightly, settling into a look of anxiousness. “Sing? Me? On a stage? In front of people?”
“Mmhmm. You talk about my talent, but you don’t seem to realize your own. And I loved playing with you that night. You don’t have to sing in every number if you don’t want, but at least one. Does that sound like a fair deal?”
“It does,” Belle said, nodding. “If you can be brave enough, so can I. The deal is struck.”
She giggled when he stuck out his hand, and shook it firmly. They held like that for a beat, and then Adam was slowly pulling her closer, until their mouths could meet.
Belle sighed into the kiss, tilting her face to get a better angle. God but he was a good kisser.
For a long time it was gentle, unrushed. Loving, but not passionate. But then Belle’s hand snuck into his hair, loving the way it felt slipping through her fingers, then it was like she’d flipped a switch and he was growling deep in his chest, hauling her against him until all she could do was swing her leg over both of his, straddling him.
The sudden movement made her fingers clench in his hair, accidentally yanking sharply. Adam broke off with a gasp, his face wincing.
“Sorry!” she yelped, cursing herself for seemingly being unable to stop hurting the poor man! “I didn’t mean to pull!”
But then he was chuckling breathily, in a way she’d never heard before, and the look on his face would have been intimidating in its intensity if she didn’t trust him so much. Even still though, it made her breath catch.
He took the hand that had fallen away from his head, pressed a hard kiss to her palm, before guiding it back up. When he finally spoke again, his voice was rough. “Pull my hair, Belle.”
Surprised, a little confused, and aroused in a way she didn’t fully understand, she flexed her fingers experimentally, tightening her hold gradually and watching his expression slack until his mouth opened slightly and he was breathing like he was running a marathon.
Getting the message, and making up her mind, she pulled…hard.
All at once his mouth and hands were everywhere. He kissed her mouth, her face, her jaw, and her neck almost clumsily, unable to stay in any one spot. He bit and suckled at her skin, and she knew there’d be marks. And she also really didn’t care.
One hand found her breast, kneading it carefully, the gentle manner a contrast to the franticness of the rest of him. His other hand found its way up her dress and to her ass, as she was quickly learning was a favorite for him.
This hadn’t been what she expected when she imagined their first time. (And she HAD imagined it!) She’d pictured being in his house, on his bed, or maybe even going a trip together and finding a romantic bed and breakfast.
But she quickly decided, with what few thoughts she was still able to put together, that this was perfect. This was right.
Her fingers flew to his shirt, desperate to get to his skin. She made short work of the buttons, and splayed her hands across his lean, but strong, chest. He made a quick sound of approval, and then his hand began roaming her back, presumably to find a zipper. When what he found, instead, were countless tiny buttons, he grunted, pulling away with a dazed, disgruntled expression.
“Guess I found the downside to this dress,” she giggled breathlessly, struggling to stand up.
He whined pitifully, but he didn’t try to pull her back down, and she liked that. He would never push her. She took a moment to take in his appearance, and she liked that as well. His hair was a disaster, his shirt wide open, his chest flushed red and heaving. And the area close to where she’d just been sitting sported an impressive bulge – not that she had any other point of reference to compare it to.
Smiling in a way that was meant to be demure and she hoped didn’t look crazy, she turned around giving him her back.
He didn’t touch her for a full minute, and she frowned, afraid he was having second thoughts. But apparently his brain was just taking extra time to catch up because she suddenly felt his hands at the top of her dress, busily undoing buttons. Or trying to at least.
She couldn’t help but laugh at his grumbles of frustration, but it turned to a yelp when he pinched her side in retaliation.
“What sort of sadist made this monstrosity?” he growled.
“An hour ago you were telling me it looked pretty,” she said, still smirking.
“It does look pretty. But right now I hate it and I just want it off of you!”
“You and me both.”
There was a pop, and the tell-tale sound of a button hitting the floor, followed by a soft “fuck.”
“I can fix that,” he sighed.
Belle took a deep breath, feeling her face flame, and knowing she was probably going to regret her words a little later, but damn it if she wasn’t just as frustrated as he was.
“Do it,” she said, firmly.
He clearly didn’t need or care about an elaboration, because his hands instantly grabbed the sides near the top where he’d only managed to undo four buttons, and jerked. Buttons flew everywhere and her dress pooled at her feet. As if to make up for ruining it, Adam picked the dress back up and draped it over the piano bench, then sat back to look at her.
She turned around to face him, feeling like her whole body must be bright red. But any self-consciousness was banished in the face of his awed expression.
“God, but you’re incredible,” he whispered. “I can hardly believe you’re real.”
“I’m real,” she said shyly. “And you’re overdressed.”
His chuckle turned to a strangled yip when she bent to reach for his fly, deftly undoing the belt and buttons. He lifted up to pull help her pull his pants down, but didn’t seem to realize until it was too late that she’d taken his underwear with them.
His cock bounced up once free of its confines, and Belle’s curious eyes raked over it hungrily. She’d seen them before, of course, and had even touched one. (The boyfriend previous to Gaston, but it had been dark, in the back of a car, and Belle hadn’t been impressed.) But she’d never been allowed to just look before, and the knowledge that she was allowed, that she could proceed how she wanted, even if it meant she wanted to stop, was heady.
It twitched, as if it knew it was being watched and was begging for more attention, and she reached down to run a finger lightly up one side.
Adam threw back his head and hissed through his teeth, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Belle kept an eye on his expression as she wrapped her hand around him, squeezing gently. He seemed to like that, so she tried moving her hand up and down along it, loving the feel of how hot and hard it was, yet the skin was so soft.
“You’re killing me,” he groaned.
“We wouldn’t want that,” she said primly, taking her hand off of him. “What fun would there be, then?”
His eyes opened, and his hands shot out to grab her around the waist. “Minx,” he growled. “I believe you’re the one who’s overdressed now, darling.”
Feeling less shy in the face of his very obvious desire, she swayed a bit to the music that was still playing, watching him smile darkly as she made a show of pushing her chest out and contorting her arms to unhook her bra, before tossing it playfully at him.
She shimmied out of her panties then, and tossed those at him as well. But some of her shyness came back with a spark of shock when he brought the panties up to his face and breathed in deeply, never taking his eyes off of hers.
Adam held out a hand, not reaching for her, but inviting her. Letting her set the pace.
She remembered what he’d said during their last attempt, that her being on top would be better for him. She realized then, that he meant for them to carry on the way they’d been sitting before, with her astride him. She took his hand and stepped closer to him again.
She must have been wrong, however, because he stopped her when she started to climb back onto his lap. To her confusion, he bent forward and gently grabbed her behind one knee before slowly guiding her leg up, giving her plenty of time to pull away if she wished it.
He settled her leg on his shoulder, her foot against the back of the chaise, with one hand splayed firmly on her backside and the other holding hers to help her keep her balance.
She was feeling a little unsure and exposed that way, but before she could ask him what he wanted her to do now, he was kissing her inner thigh, moving slowly but steadily upward, closer and closer to...
Now, one thing she had thought she’d understood was that men generally didn’t like to do that. It wouldn’t have occurred to her to ask it of him, so why did he seem so eager about it?
She wanted to say something, tell him he didn’t have to, her self-consciousness was warring with innate curiosity, but he was leaving little bites along her thigh, and it was making her head spin. She was so caught up in that, and wondering where he was going with this, when suddenly his mouth was there, where she was wet and aching. He was kissing her as passionately as he kissed her mouth, lapping at her and moaning like he was loving every minute.
It was unlike anything she had ever felt. Every nerve in her body felt like it was humming, and every breath that she released was coming out in little high pitched moans.
She held his hand in a death grip, the foot resting on the floor rising up on tip-toe, causing her thigh to shake. Her other hand found its way back to his hair, pulling the strands roughly, which only made him devour her more thoroughly.
His hand that had been on her ass moved around and between her legs, and she felt a long finger probe into her. She’d done enough self-exploration that this didn’t surprise her, in fact it only added to the sensation, especially when he added a second one, stretching her pleasantly.
She moaned louder, and a thought half-formed in her mind that they were in the front of his shop. If someone heard her, they might peer into the window, and they would be able to see her even behind the piano since she was standing. She should probably care…she did care…but it was so hard to remember why at the moment.
When her cries increased in volume and speed, and her hips began to move of their own volition, his fingers pumping inside of her picked up speed as well. She felt like she needed something, but wasn’t sure how to ask for it.
She needn’t have worried though, because his mouth found her clit, circling with his tongue before sucking on it.
Belle cried out sharply, her whole body going rigid as lights flashed behind her eyes. She would have fallen down if Adam wasn’t holding her up.
Her leg couldn’t take her weight anymore though, and, still pulsing, she fell bonelessly into his lap.
“Wow…” she said dazedly.
He chuckled, holding her tightly to him. She could feel him pressed between his stomach and hers, and she reached down to stroke him lovingly.
“As nice as that is,” he breathed. “If you want this to keep going, you’d better stop. I won’t be able to recover as quickly as you can.”
Belle gave him an affectionate squeeze before releasing him, then looking up at his eyes expectantly.
“Are you ready?” he asked. “Please be sure. If at any time you want to stop, you need only to say the word. You know that, right? I won’t be upset with you if you want to end it here, but I need you to tell me.”
“I know,” she said softly. “But I don’t want to stop. I’m just not sure what I should do.”
Adam smiled and gently guided her into rising up with her knees braced on the chaise on either side of his thighs. He took his cock in hand, holding it still as he gently guided her back down. She felt him there, the head pressing against her opening. Adam stopped then, however, letting her take the lead.
She concentrated on breathing steadily as she slowly continued to lower her body, wriggling a little to adjust. It was a strange sensation, not pain really, but not pleasure either. She felt full and stretched. Taking a deep breath, she let herself fall the rest of the way down, taking all of him. He slid inside surprisingly easily after that, and if this was all it was going to be like to her, the expression on Adam’s face made it more than worth it. Besides, what he’d done for her moments before was a very equal tradeoff.
“Are you okay?” he asked, sounding positively and deliciously wrecked.
“I’m perfect,” she said. “You were right, no pain.”
“Told you,” he breathed. “And you are perfect.”
He bucked his hips, causing her to bounce upward with him. She struggled to match his pace, and it took a few false starts, but they soon managed to find a rhythm.
His eyes moved from hers down to her breasts, watching how they moved, so she pushed her chest out toward him. He leaned forward to suck one her nipples into his mouth and she groaned, never having known that being touched and kissed there could feel so good, especially when his other hand came up to twist and pluck at the other nipple.
His thrusts were starting to become more frantic, and she worked to keep up with him, desperate for him to feel the way he’d made her feel before.
It felt good just being so close to him, as close as two people can get, and she loved watching him. She wondered, though, how long she could keep moving like this, until something changed…big time. He tilted his hips to one side, and he pushed into her a different way, and somehow he hit something inside of her that robbed her of breath and made her see stars.
He must have noticed her reaction, because he released her nipple with a pop and looked up at her questioningly, her pace slowing. “Are you okay?”
She nodded frantically, biting her lower lip so hard it might bleed. “Please don’t stop,” she begged, her movements desperate.
With a low growl, he fastened his lips to hers and redoubled his effort, managing to hit that same spot again and again. He snuck a hand between then, and all it took was one pinch to her clit and she was coming even harder than before.
She hadn’t had time to come down off her high, when suddenly he was roughly lifting her off him, and she gave a cry of alarm until she felt something warm and wet hit her thigh.
She wondered about that for only a moment before understanding what he’d done, and she cringed at the realization that it hadn’t once occurred to her to exercise caution, and she was relieved that he’d had the presence of mind to think of it for her.
Not that a baby with Adam was a bad thought…just…not yet.
His arms went limp, letting her flop gracelessly against his chest. She squirmed to find a more comfortable position, nuzzling her nose into his neck, and sighed as his arms tightened around her once more. “Hold still, you little vixen,” he commanded, but with a light, breathy voice that she knew was teasing. “It’ll be some time yet before I’m capable of responding to you again, but you’re making it a difficult wait.”
Belle giggled, but stilled her movements, only until her legs became stiff where they were still bent on either side of him, and she was forced to finally move off of him.
She blushed furiously at the sight and feeling of their mixed fluids smeared all over both their thighs and lower stomachs.
“I guess I never realized how messy this could be,” she murmured, lightly touching her sticky skin and noticing that some had gotten on the couch as well. She wondered if it would leave a stain, because if it did, she was never going to be able to look at it while Adam had customers or friends in his shop without blushing. Oh, who was she kidding, she was going to blush anyway.
“Yes,” Adam said lazily, his arm tight around her waist, not letting her move any farther away from him. “They never mention that part in your novels, do they?”
She laughed again. “No.”
He opened his eyes, seeming to finally come fully back to himself, and looked sharply at her. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt?” he looked at her legs, then at himself, presumably to check for blood, but finding none.
“I’m wonderful,” she said, smiling wide. “And you? Your leg is okay?”
He smirked at her. “If I’m a little sore tomorrow, it will have been well-worth it my love.”
“Oh good…so we can do it again, later?”
He laughed, one of his open, happy laughs that were far too rare. “I think I’ve created a monster.”
“And what will you do with this monster of yours?”
“You’ll soon find out, sweetheart.”
  Chapter 7
 Gold was aching by the time they made it home that night, but in the best possible way. He suspected that Belle was too, being so unused to that sort of…exertion.
He’d asked her if she wanted him to take her home, and he wouldn’t have minded overmuch, thinking maybe she needed a little time alone after taking such a big step, so he’d tried to keep his desire for her to stay out of his voice. He needn’t have bothered though, because she just quipped about him “not getting rid of her so easily,” and they made their way to his house together.
Though it was very late, Neal and Emma were watching television in the living room. Some inane telethon by the looks of it, but what else would have been on at that hour? They were cuddled up innocently on the sofa, but by the looks of their mussed hair and flushed cheeks, he suspected that their positions had been a lot less innocent until they’d heard his car pull up.
“Hey guys,” Neal said after clearing his throat.
Gold pulled Belle by the hand toward the staircase. “We’re turning in for the night, you two behave yourselves, hm?”
Neal snorted. “Look who’s talking. Nice lipstick, Dad.”
Gold frowned in confusion until Belle giggled suddenly, reaching up to swipe at something on his neck, coming away with a hint of pale pink on her fingertips.
Gold rolled his eyes, and almost missed a look passing between Emma and Belle. He chose to ignore it, however. It was far too knowing for his comfort. That Belle and her close friends would share details about their intimate relationships was something he understood to be a forgone conclusion. That one of said close friends was his son’s girlfriend, and therefore certain details were destined to pass between the two, was something he tried not to think too hard on.
He led his sweet little love up the stairs to his master suite and straight to the bathroom to turn on the shower. That was when he remembered the damn shower chair that he had to keep inside, and wished fervently that he’d taken her to the hallway bathroom instead.
“Something wrong?” she asked him.
“I…uh…” he stammered, momentarily distracted by the sight of her casually disrobing. She’d been resplendent in the dim light of his shop, but even in the unforgiving bright light of his bathroom she was gorgeous. In here he could see imperfections in her skin, dimples on her thighs, a scar on the small of her back that he made a note to ask about later. None of it did a single thing to take away from just how stunning she was to him.
“Aren’t you coming in with me?” she asked sweetly, seeming completely devoid of shyness as she stood before him, naked as the day she was born.
Remembering the source of his earlier discomfort, he shook his head. “I uh…it’s not that easy, sweetheart,” he reached around her, trying not to become overwhelmed by her nakedness, and pulled back the curtain, indicating the ugly plastic chair inside. Like something you’d see in a damned old folks’ home. “Unfortunately, I can’t take my leg in. It isn’t water-proof and I…well…you go first my love, and I’ll shower after.”
Belle looked from the chair and back at him. “Well, yes, I figured you might have something like that. You’re acting like a chair should bother me?”
He grunted, wishing she would get the message without him having to explain it. “I can’t take a…a sexy shower with you, Belle. For me it’s, quite frankly, an undignified process.”
What he wouldn’t give to be a whole man for her. He knew she didn’t mind his disability, he knew that, but what he wouldn’t give for the ability to hop into that steaming shower with her, lather her up, then take her hard against the wall like he once could have.
Belle made a face, and despite his knowledge that she loved him, old insecurities were hard to overcome and for a moment he thought she was finally coming to her senses about him.
“I wasn’t really looking for a…how did you put it? Sexy shower? I just thought we were gonna get clean so we could go to bed. I mean…as much fun as I had earlier…I’m a little tired, and I thought you were too. I won’t try to talk you into getting in with me if it makes you uncomfortable, but for the record, that chair looks pretty handy to me. For when we aren’t tired…”
Gold blinked, her meaning taking a moment to break through the fog of self-pity he was wallowing in. “Fuck…” he murmured.
She giggled and rolled her eyes at him, then got into the shower without another word. He could hear her moving around, and decided he really was being stupid, and set about taking off his clothes, and then sat down on a bench placed near the shower to take off his leg.
He was glad she was already in the shower, so she wouldn’t have to see him do his half-shuffle half-hop, propped up with his cane. Maybe one day, after they were more comfortable with one another, when it wasn’t so new, he wouldn’t mind letting her see him in all of his awkward glory, but there could be very little in the world more unsightly than a one-legged man hopping while naked.
He opened the curtain and found her already smiling at him, apparently having been listening for his approach. He’d made the right choice, and she was pleased with him.
She held out her hands, and held onto him firmly as he settled in the chair. She was really quite strong for such a little thing.
His little Belle then began the process of lathering up her washcloth and set about washing him, starting at his neck. She was silent and businesslike, not touching to tease but only to get him clean. She was nothing like a nurse, however, standing intimately between his knees, and smiling lovingly at him.
It took all of his power to fight his instincts that told him to push her away, that he didn’t need help to bathe, he wasn’t an invalid. But Belle knew that he was no invalid. This wasn’t an act of duty or pity, but one of love and intimacy, and it left him feeling lightheaded.
So he sat back, and allowed himself to enjoy her attentions. It didn’t matter that his body agreed with Belle’s earlier statement that they were both tired and ready for bed, and that there was nothing sexual in Belle’s movements, his cock well and truly had a mind of its own and was becoming increasingly interested in what was going on.
As more blood fled from his brain downward, his eyes moved from Belle’s serene face down to where her breasts swayed as she bent over him, water dripping from the tips. They were only inches from his mouth…
But then she was kneeling, and he gulped. Her eyes shot up in mock reproof at the state of his arousal and he gave her a sheepish look in return.
“Sorry,” he said. “He can’t help himself. There’s a beautiful, wet, naked woman in front of him. He’s weak.”
Belle laughed and shook her head, carefully washing his thighs were there was still dried cum even after cleaning up at the shop. His cock twitched in response, and he grunted. “Just ignore it, sweetheart,” he said seriously. “It’ll go away on its own.”
Belle still didn’t speak however, and just proceeded to wash his leg, and then his foot. He tensed when she moved to his half-leg, but she only washed the scarred stump like it was any other part of him, no special attention whatsoever. Somehow that touched him more than if she had taken extra care there. He had a flashback to her telling him she wouldn’t mind massaging it for him when it was sore, and he was beginning to think he might just have to take her up on that.
He thought she would stand then, and let him rinse off so that they could be done. But she didn’t rise, and he realized that she was staring right at his cock.
He yelped at the first brush of her fingers. “Darling, you needn’t do that! We don’t have to…”
“I know,” she murmured, tucking the washrag underneath her knees to cushion them. For some reason, that only inflamed him further…like she was preparing to stay for a while.
She wrapped those devious fingers around his length and squeezed, harder than she had dared the first time, evidentially already having learned that he didn’t have to be treated like glass there.
She gave him a few tugs, her movements unsure and unpracticed, but it drove him wild. When she paused, he looked down at her, breathing hard, and watched as she cradled his balls in her palm. She squeezed them gently, and it didn’t hurt, but reflex made him still her hand immediately. “Careful there,” he warned, his voice gone gravelly.
“Got it,” she said, and he was happy that she didn’t apologize. He hated that she ever felt sorry when everything she did made him feel like he was on fire. “I want you to teach me.”
“Teach you what?” he asked. “You’re doing splendidly on your own, my love.”
Belle gave a pout. “But I want to know what really makes you feel good.”
He chuckled. “Belle, I swear, everything you’re doing feels good. Feels amazing, in fact. I would let you know if something didn’t feel good, just like I fully expect and insist you do for me. But there’s really very little you could do that wouldn’t make my head spin.”
“Then…you wouldn’t mind if I tried something? Something I’ve always been a bit curious about?”
Why did those words make his heartrate increase so much? “I…Belle…you can do…whatever you want. I’m yours, sweetheart. Totally and completely.”
She grinned, and her shoulders bounced like he’d just told her she could have an extra sweet after supper. But then she sobered, and hesitated unsurely. “But what if I don’t like it?”
He blinked. What a ridiculous question. “Then you stop,” he said simply, because it really was that simple. “And we never discuss it again.”
Her smiled returned, as did her hand to his cock, causing him to groan. She gave a few more experimental pulls, her other hand tracing the veins along the side curiously, and then just barely touching the tip.
He wondered dimly if one could die from sexual frustration. He’d fully meant what he’d said, he was absolutely hers to explore and experiment on to her precious heart’s content. She was inexperienced and possessed such a delightful curious spirit that he adored. She loathed not knowing things, and for as long as he’d known her she would pursue knowledge of any unknown subject with the ferocity of a lioness on the hunt. He was absolutely certain she’d read any number of tawdry romance novels, but the lack of practical application probably drove her crazy.
But right now, her practical application was driving him crazy. Her light touches more than enough to enflame him but not nearly enough to bring him to completion. He clenched his fists on his thighs, pressing discreetly into his bad one so that the slight pain would keep him focused on not moving. Anything to keep from trying to urge her on.
He thought he was doing well, but all that flew right out the window and into the sun because without warning, there was a warmth on the tip of his cock that had nothing to do with the hot shower spray.
His eyes flew open wide and looked down to see her giving an open-mouthed kiss to the scarlet head.
“Oh my God…” he shouted loudly enough that his voice echoed.
“Shh!” Belle hushed, pulling her unbelievable mouth away from him. “We don’t know if Neal and Emma have come upstairs!”
Not even the names of his son and his son’s girlfriend could calm him now, and he struggling to reclaim his control.
He had to keep struggling, however, when she lowered her head to him again, and that tongue of hers licked him from base to tip in one long swipe like she was licking a fucking ice cream cone.
“Christ, Belle,” he hissed. “You don’t need…you don’t have…”
“I know I don’t have to,” she said. “But you said I could try what I want. And I want. Is it alright?”
“Alright?” he huffed in a laugh. “I’m not…I’m not sure if… “alright”…is the…is the correct word…”
She smirked, the little devil, and kissed the very tip of his cock again before opening her mouth and taking him inside.
Gold had to bite his lip hard to keep from crying out, and he tasted blood. It took every single ounce of self-control to keep from grabbing her head and thrusting up into her delicious mouth helplessly.
Her movements were tentative and light, moving her mouth up and down his shaft, fitting more and more in each time, but he knew he could very well come from this alone. Just the sight of her head bobbing before him…
She released him with an obscene pop and kissed down the side again, lapping at him like he was the most delicious thing she’d ever tasted.
“Tell me how to do this,” she said breathlessly, and she couldn’t be getting as aroused by this as he was…surely?
“I…don’t think I need to,” he gasped. “Just where did…you learn this…anyway?”
She grinned shamelessly. “I read a lot. But, really, please…I want you to tell me, Adam. Guide my movements, if you need to.”
Something in her voice caught his attention through the haze of lust, and he suddenly had a strong suspicion that this wasn’t just about instruction.
Licking his lips, and fighting back a wave of bashfulness, he brought a hand to her head, twisting his fingers into her wet hair. At her first moan he remembered how it had felt when she’d pulled his hair, and he tugged lightly, bringing forth another lovely sound.
Then he pressed, guiding her head back to him, and she went eagerly, taking hold of him at the base, and wrapping her lips around him once more. “Try to move your hand in time with your mouth,” he whispered roughly, amazed that he could even link together a complete sentence.
She following his instruction immediately, pumping her hand up and down the portion that didn’t fit inside her mouth. He guided the pace of her head with his grip on her hair, but he was careful to keep it a suggestion, allowing her to control the actual movement, ready to release her the very second she pulled away.
“H…hollow you cheeks, sweetheart…suck in…” he knew his accent was deepening to the point of being unintelligible at this point, but she must have understood because she moaned loudly, the sound vibrating through him, and she sucked him, hard.
His climax came on suddenly and powerfully, with none of the warning he was used to. He tried to pull her head away, yanking forcefully on her hair, but she didn’t move in time, and he felt her cry out in surprise and swallow compulsively.
When she did pull back, there was cum on her chin and a surprised look on her face.
It took him several deep breaths to be able to react, his brain having been scrambled to smithereens from the most mind-blowing orgasm he’d ever experienced. When he was able to form coherent thoughts, he was appalled.
“I am…so sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to…to come in your… it was sudden and I tried to…”
Belle was licking her lips thoughtfully, and God, that must have been horrible for her. He didn’t know why she wasn’t turning into the cooling spray to wash her mouth out.
“Belle?” he said weakly, feeling like he could cry. If he ever hurt, frightened, or disgusted her, he would never forgive himself.
She stood up on shaky legs, and he prepared for her to leave, but instead she lifted one foot up, propping it on the backrest of his chair and grasping his shoulders for balance. It was the same position he’d shown her in the shop, and there was a smug look of demand on her face that he was not about to deny. And fuck, if he hadn’t just been thoroughly spent, he’d be rock hard again.
He yanked her roughly by the hips and brought her core to his face. She was absolutely drenched, and he couldn’t believe that bringing him off would do that to her. He wasted no time with gentle kisses or teasing, and went straight for her clit, suckling relentlessly. To his utter amazement, she was coming almost immediately, biting down on her lip to hold in a scream. He didn’t stop; he continued to lap and suck, and even bite ever so gently. He brought up a finger to plunge into her, but she stayed his hand, shaking her head slightly.
Still too tender, then.
Gratified beyond anything that she was letting him know what she did and didn’t want, he continued on with his mouth alone, bringing her to yet another shaking climax.
By the time they came back to themselves, the water was well and truly cold and Belle rushed to shut it off before handing Gold his cane and helping him to stand.
They dried themselves off and dressed, too cold and satiated for any more games at the present. Belle unsurprisingly produced his shirt that she favored from some hiding spot and donned it, grinning impishly at him.
When they at last fell into bed, it was with duel sighs of satisfaction, and he rolled over to pull her into his arms, wondering if it would ever become old hat to fall asleep with her, and suspecting it never would.
***
Belle had often daydreamed of what it would be like waking up with the man she loved (and most of the time, those dream men had one particular face,) and it was as pleasurable as she’d hoped.
When she awoke, she had her back molded to his front, and she thought he was awake too, because at least one portion of his anatomy certainly was. When she craned her neck around to kiss him however, (their time spent nursing each other back to health had cured her of such worries as morning breath,) his face was still lax in sleep.
She gave a mental shrug, having read something about this somewhere. She took stock of herself, and though she was still a little achy, it wasn’t too bad, and one thing that outweighed her soreness was a very different sort of ache between her legs, and she realized that she had woken up in a very similar female-equivalent state that Adam had.
After a moment spent deciding how she would like to proceed, she tried to turn around in his arms, only to find herself pretty firmly anchored down. So instead, she ground her rear against him, feeling him twitch beneath the thin layer of his boxer shorts. She’d forgone underwear for the night, foolishly not thinking to bring an extra set of clothes, (it was her first real sleepover at a boyfriend’s house, okay?) and her (his) shirt was rucked up around her waist.
He grew even harder with the way she rubbed against him, but he still didn’t wake up. Either that, or he was doing a bang-up job of faking, and she couldn’t fathom why he’d do that.
Huffing in indignation, she reached around behind her, and spread her hand flat against him, pressing and rubbing. This produced a sleepy moan, muffled into her hair, so she weaseled her hand into the slit in his shorts and took him in hand, fondling clumsily as best she could with the awkward position.
She could feel the exact moment he woke up, from the way his whole body went rigid for just a split second before relaxing as he let out a breath. “Minx,” he whispered, nudging her hair out of the way with his nose before nipping at her shoulder.
“Well, someone woke me up with a jab in the back, so I thought you should be awake, too.”
“How can I be blamed when my very dreams are infused with the smell of your skin and the warmth of your body against mine?”
“That was very poetic.”
He growled low. “If you think that was poetic…” he brushed her hand away, snaking a hand between her legs from behind, making her squeak from surprise, and when he found her wet and ready, he guided himself to her and eased in slowly.
The new position produced a very different feeling than before. It didn’t allow for his pelvis to press against her clit like it had, but it glanced that spot he’d discovered, just passingly, enough to make her body hum with feeling without being driven absolutely crazy by it.
He pumped almost lazily, easing all the way inside slowly before pulling back more quickly. Focusing her mind downward, she tried to use her muscles there to pull at him as he withdrew, and the result was him biting her neck harder and she smiled in victory.
As if in retaliation, he slid the hand pulling at her waist down to find her clit, rubbing and pinching it mercilessly.
“Too hard,” she gasped, touching his hand lightly.
He hummed in apology and softened his touch, and she buried her face into the pillow to muffle her cries. But he must have taken her meaning that it all was too hard, because his thrusts became softer too, and that needed correcting.
She reached around, clawing and his hip and ass. “I didn’t mean that,” she ground out, undulated her hips to get him to go faster.
With a rough chuckle, he picked up his pace more and more, until she was almost on her stomach, helpless to do anything but lay there and try not to scream too loud, but she kept her hand at his hip, silently begging to go even harder, thrilling when he did.
She crashed over the edge like a wave on rocks, the feeling spreading from the tips of her toes to the very top of her head.
He slowed only momentarily, letting her savor her orgasm before redoubling his efforts. He pulled out suddenly, and she thought it was because he was spilling himself until he grunted harshly, and flipped her over with a strength that made her clench despite the very recent release. She opened her mouth to protest, remembering what had happened the last time he tried to take her this way, but all the came out was a whimper when he plunged back into her hard. She hooked her legs around his hips, trying to simply let him take what he needed so not to risk moving wrong and hurting him again.
He had one hand on the mattress, right beside where his missing knee would be, helping to stay balanced and give him leverage.
“That’s it,” she whispered, her nails digging into the skin of his back and ass as she spurred him on.
He made an anguished sound in response, so she wondered if maybe the sound of her voice was having a similar effect on him as his had on her when she’d gone down on him.
“Come on…” she whimpered out, unversed in dirty talk so not really knowing what to say. It had an effect, however, so she tried something else.
“Fuck me, Adam.”
With a bitten back shout, he pulled out of her, and she felt the hot semen spurt onto her stomach.
He rolled off of her, groaning in both satisfaction and – she suspected – pain, if the way he rubbed his thigh was any indication. “You shouldn’t do that if it hurts,” she said softly, dragging a finger through the fluid on her belly. He eyed that action interestedly, but rolled to his other side to offer her a tissue from his night stand.
After cleaning up, he opened his arms for her, and she snuggled into him with a happy sigh.
“I’m fine,” he said in answer to her earlier question. “It didn’t hurt much like last time. It’s probably just like any body part, and needs to become accustomed to new activities. To be quite honest, I wasn’t thinking much of it at the time.”
“I could tell,” she said with a giggle.
He pulled back slightly, eyeing her with concern. “I wasn’t too rough with you, was I?”
Belle shook her head. “No I…I liked it. A lot.”
He grinned. “Well I rather liked your foul mouth. I’ve never heard you use such a word.”
“It seemed like the thing to say. Adam?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
She chewed her lip in thought. “Is it…um, would it not feel better…uh…finishing while you’re still inside? It seems to me like if I were a man that would feel…anticlimactic.”
He chuckled. “I think that’s a poor choice of words, because I can assure you it’s not anticlimactic. Would it feel even better? Well, yes, of course it would, but trust me, dear, I am not complaining. It feels…you feel wonderful, and a quick second of increased pleasure is hardly worth the risk of you falling pregnant.”
“Oh, I’m not trying to insinuate that we should risk it. I’m not ready to become pregnant, trust me. I was just thinking that maybe we could look into something a bit more…accommodating.”
“Oh, well I’ve been meaning to get some condoms. It just felt sort of…presumptuous until last night. But I suppose that was just careless of me. If you’re worried at all, I can get some right away before we do anything else.”
“Wouldn’t be a bad idea,” she said. “But I was actually thinking more of something for me. I’ve read a lot of interesting literature on birth control pills. I could just take them daily and be unable to conceive while taking them. They’ve only recently been available to the public, but from what I understand, not many doctors will prescribe them to unmarried women.”
“How absurd,” Adam commented. “It seems to me they would be the most beneficial to unmarried women. A married woman needn’t worry half so much about an unexpected pregnancy.”
Belle couldn’t help but smile. “You’ve a very modern outlook on things. I love it.”
He snorted. “First time I’ve ever been referred to as modern. I just don’t think restricting a woman’s access to contraception is going to make her be abstinent. It’s like teenage pregnancies don’t exist.”
“That’s part of what our group advocates, you know. Not just protesting war, but also fighting for rights. For women, children, minorities, homosexuals…” she trailed off, wondering how he’d respond.
“Hm,” he said thoughtfully. “I thought HEN was strictly anti-war. You would have had Jefferson at your rallies ages ago if you made more of a show of that.”
“Jefferson? What do you mean?”
Adam looked at her meaningfully. “I mean he can be…swayed…by either side…if you take my meaning. I do hope Ruby doesn’t mind, because he truly does like her. She only needs to understand that he…well, to put it frankly, he had a male lover or two in the Army. But that’s not to be spoken of, you understand.”
“Of course not!” Belle promised. “I’d never. And you don’t have to worry about Ruby. She likes Jefferson too…and she’s the same way he is.”
“Is she? Well, that should make things simple, then shouldn’t it? And just how did you come by this information of Ruby then, hm?” he asked, teasingly.
She playfully slapped his bicep. “Very mature of you, cad! And if you must know, there was an exploratory kiss…or two…when we were about fifteen. It simply stuck for her, and not for me.”
“Intriguing,” he said, ducking away when she made to slap him again.
Belle snuggled back against him, happy beyond measure that Adam was so opened-hearted. If she hadn’t already been in love with the man, that would have sealed it.
 Chapter 8
“Really?”
“That would be amazing!”
“Are you sure, Belle? We’re not exactly practiced…”
Belle laughed, pleased by the response when she asked the boys if they were willing to play for Emma’s fundraiser. Emma herself stood nearby, smirking at the grown men’s childlike reaction. She’d accepted whole-heartedly when Belle made the suggestion to her, stating that it was just the thing to really pull Storybrooke into the event, especially in the wake of the bad rep the last rally had incurred.
“You have two weeks to get ready,” Belle said. “And it’s just a couple of songs covers, it’s not like I’m asking you to write something new.”
Jefferson was leaning up against a fence where they were all gathered in the courtyard behind Granny’s diner, his arms crossed and one brow raised skeptically. “But we’re not exactly a well-rounded group, are we?” he looked meaningfully over at Adam, who’d been silently watching the exchange, hands folded over his cane.
“I think you mean you need a piano player,” Belle grinned slyly. “Well then, it’s a good thing I’ve already found you one!”
“Who?” David asked, he and Victor looking genuinely surprised, while Archie’s eyes widened knowingly.
Belle spoke to Jefferson, “Only the best pianist you or I know.”
Finally, Jefferson got it, and he gasped. “You’re not serious. Gold?!”
“Pop?” Neal asked, shocked as well.
Adam rolled his eyes, but his expression lacked any sort of his old contempt. “She’s serious. I’m afraid my Belle is really quite persuasive when there’s something she wants.”
Belle was beaming, unused to hearing him speak so possessively of her in public, but Victor interrupted the moment in true-to-form fashion.
“You’d know, wouldn’t you, old dog?” he crooned, winking saucily and receiving an elbow in the gut from Archie.
Adam’s gaze snapped murderously to the doctor, but Belle’s hand on his arm calmed him down.
“You’ll really play with us?” Jefferson asked, not distracted in the least. “On a stage? In front of people?”
“You could refrain from making it sound so ominous,” Adam snapped, eyes flashing in nervousness. “And yes, I made a deal with Belle.”
“What kind of de…OOF!” Victor’s innuendous reply was cut off by Archie quite literally shoving him away. The medical doctor disappeared, falling over a potted plant.
“What kind of deal?” Archie asked far more innocently.
Adam glanced once at where Victor was still laying dramatically on the ground before joining the others in ignoring his incredulous pleas for assistance. “I’ll play, if Belle sings.”
“Marvelous!” Jefferson clapped his hands gleefully. “I say, this is getting better and better!”
“I still need help down here!”
“And…” Adam continued, staring at Emma. “Belle had better get recognition for her part in the success of this event.”
“Of course,” Emma said, with a roll of her own eyes. “I’m no idiot.”
“So no one is gonna help me then?!”
***
While Emma set off to make arrangements for the rally, Neal followed Belle and Gold back to the shop.
“This is fantastic, Papa!” Neal exclaimed once they were inside. “I can’t wait.”
“What about you?” Belle asked him. “Any hidden musical talent you’d like to add?”
Neal winced. “Eh, I’m afraid that particular gene skipped a generation. I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.”
“He’s not being modest,” Gold said, laughing. It was true, his son had no natural musical talent, but more than made up for it in sheer artistic talent, and in truth Gold was glad that he had his own skills and path in life, instead of merely taking after him.
“I remember though,” Neal said, speaking straight to Gold, a faraway look in his eyes. “I had forgotten, but when I saw you playing the other night, it sorta came back to me. I remember when I was a really little kid, sitting on your knee while you played some song in a language I couldn’t understand, but you’d make these silly voices while you sang, and it’d make me laugh.”
Gold stared at his son, amazed. “You…you remember that? You couldn’t have been older than three or four.”
“Yeah, but I remember. It couldn’t have been comfortable for you at the time, sitting at the piano, but you always played for me when I asked.”
Gold turned away, feeling the burn of tears in his eyes. He’d always thought that his son had completely forgotten those short years he’d been allowed to be the child’s father, before he’d been cruelly ripped away. That ache had been assuaged during the years he’d gotten to spend time with Neal as an adult, but never completely erased.
“What was it you used to play?” Neal asked.
Gold didn’t answer, just moved to sit on the piano bench. He glanced up at Belle, who was smiling lovingly at him from beside the counter.
He knew precisely what song Neal was talking about, and memories of his own flooded his senses – of his beloved aunts singing the same song to him as a boy, and of sharing it with Jefferson and the other men in camp.
When Neal perched beside him on the bench, Gold’s heart felt like it might explode, and he twisted around to find Belle, who moved over to better be seen by him, but keeping a respectable distance, letting father and son have a moment.
He began to play, singing the familiar words despite not having spoken the language in decades. He even threw in the silly voice that he’d done for Neal as a toddler. A high pitched, almost growling and utterly ridiculous voice that sounded like a flamboyant, pompous imp.
Neal and Belle both laughed wildly, especially when he raised one hand to twirl it delicately.
“What was that?” Belle asked, almost bent over in mirth.
“Gaelic,” Gold said, grinning. “An old bawdy song my aunties sang to me. The voices I added myself, to make Neal laugh, and I see it still works.”
“Wait, bawdy?!” Neal asked, incredulous. “What do those words mean?!”
Gold’s eyes narrowed playfully. “I suppose you’re old enough, now. It a song about a king who tries to convince a woman to wed him, to the point of capturing her and taking her to his castle. But instead of being fearful, the woman says she’ll marry him willingly if…well…if he can please her, since no man before had ever been able to. The rest of the song simply details the many ways the king does just that. The chorus roughly translates to bend her on over, lad, stick your dagger…”
He was cut off by fresh waves of hilarity. “You sang that to a toddler?!” Belle shrieked, gasping for breath.
“It’s really quite educational, if you think about it,” Gold said, chuckling. “It did make Neal’s mother quite furious, but it wasn’t like Neal knew what I was saying, after all.”
Belle shook her head. “A dagger? Really? What a very male thing to compare to…his…well...”
Gold blinked up at her. “But that’s not what it means. Surely you’ve heard the term about a tongue being sharp as a dagger?”
Belle’s face reddened before she and Neal were sent into another fit of laughter.
***
Belle had almost tried to sneak out the back once Neal had perched beside his father at the piano, recounting old memories of a too-brief childhood spent with the man. She felt like she should give them space and time alone, since most of Adam’s time of late had been spent with her. But she just hadn’t been able to pry herself away from the warm moment, especially once Adam began to sing in that hilarious, creature-like voice.
Their mirth was interrupted by Tom Clarke, the local Pharmacist, who appeared scared half to death of stepping fully into the shop, no matter that he could see Adam being relaxed and happy with his family.
Belle watched in fascination as Adam’s peaceful expression morphed into one of vague displeasure, and he excused himself to go speak with the stammering, sneezing man about his rent.
“Almost makes you think he should have been an actor, huh?” Neal said, making Belle jump slightly when his voice came from right next to her ear and she hadn’t noticed him stand. He was like his father in that way. “The way he can switch from one persona to another.”
Belle hummed thoughtfully. “Except, I believe that the way he is with us is no persona. That’s the real Adam.”
“I definitely think he’s more him than he’s ever been, since you.”
Belle tore her eyes away from Adam. (Was it wrong to find his dark, intimidating persona so attractive?) “What do you mean?” she asked.
Neal shrugged. “I just mean…I love the old man, have since I met him and he was falling over himself to try to make me feel at ease, and I could see just how desperately nervous he was. My adoptive father is great, you understand, he did a ton for me, but he was never very warm. Not affectionate, and always just seemed anxious for us to grow up. He was the same with his biological kids, so it never exactly bothered me. Adam was the exact opposite. The minute he could see that I didn’t mind a hug, it was like he couldn’t stop giving them. He tells me every single time I talk to him, in person, on the phone, or in a letter, that he loves me. Maybe he used to try and buy my love a little too much with too many gifts, but I could see it just came from a place of love, and making up for lost time.
“But what I meant before, was he’s always been so…tense. Every time we say goodbye, even if I’m just gonna walk over to Granny’s, he says it with such emotion, like it’s the last time he’s ever gonna see me.”
“Can you blame him?” Belle said softly. “He missed so much of your life.”
“No, I can’t blame him, but that’s a sad way to live, isn’t it? Like always just waiting for an end.”
Belle smiled sadly. “How can you enjoy a story if you spend all your time worrying about the last chapter?”
“Exactly! And that’s how he’s always been…until now. Until you. Ever since I got here, for the first time since I’ve known him, he’s seems like he’s finally just happy to live life. I think that, this time, when I go back to Boston, saying goodbye to him isn’t going to be quite so hard. Because he has more to live for now than just me, or the hope of finding me. He has music again, and friends, and you.”
Belle had to look away from him then, feeling tears well in her eyes. Though she and Neal got along just fine, she hadn’t dared to hope that she’d receive such a heartfelt blessing from him, at least not so soon. And it meant the world.
“You both give me a lot of credit,” she said, her voice thick. “But all I did was admit feelings for him that I’ve had a long time.”
“You did a lot more than that, Belle,” Neal said, smirking. “You may never really see all you’ve done, but you definitely did.”
“Well, he’s done a lot for me, too. So I like to think it’s even.”
Adam and Mr. Clarke finished up their business and Adam made his way back over to them, his face growing concerned when he saw the tears glistening in Belle’s eyes. “What is it?” he shot a slightly accusing look at Neal.
“Nothing,” Belle said with a smile, shaking her head, before leaning up to press a quick kiss to his lips. “Everything is wonderful.”
She caught him sharing another quick look with Neal, but when he found nothing wrong on that end either, he gave a half shrug and wrapped his arms around her.
 Chapter 9
The rally, now dubbed Arms of Love Concert, (named apparently because of the fact that it was benefiting the need for prosthetics, though even Belle thought it was cringingly cheesy,) was coming together smoothly and quickly.
Several of the members of Emma’s Boston coalition arrived in Storybrooke a week beforehand to finish up the arrangements and begin setup.
For Belle, it felt good to be able to help out with such a good cause, but not be in charge of every single aspect as she had before. Emma and her friends August and Lily shared the brunt of the responsibilities, and Belle admired their teamwork. Neal, Belle, and Ruby helped out in every way they could, and between them all it was coming together beautifully.
Despite all the extra hands, Belle was kept very busy, so she didn’t have much time at all to spend with Adam. He was so sweet and understanding about it, though, and she was determined to reward him for it later.
But Adam was fairly busy as well, as he and the rest of the band had a lot of rehearsing to do in a short amount of time. It was going to be a short lineup of cover songs, and Belle had given them absolute free reign on what to pick, trusting Jefferson to convince Adam to perform at least a couple of newer songs.
The only one she had any say on was the one she would be singing. Unsure about being on stage for the first time, Adam had kindly offered to make it a duet, and she agreed with exuberance. Though they’d picked the song together, and she’d been practicing alone at night before bed, (at her own house, alas,) they hadn’t actually had a chance to rehearse together, which renewed her agitation.
As nervous as she was, Adam had seemed surprisingly calm. All the others, even Jefferson, were jittery, if excited, but Adam had displayed nothing but relaxed readiness. Belle wasn’t sure if it was a front or not.
By the morning of the rally, she still hadn’t rehearsed with the band, but Adam assured her that they would do just fine together, and she trusted him completely, of course.
They were holding the concert right in the middle of Main Street. Mayor Mills had been vehemently against it at first, but something had suddenly changed her mind, and when Belle had casually mentioned it to Adam, the smug look on his face prompted her to demand to know how he’d done it. “Oh, she owed me a favor, is all,” he’d said smoothly. “Plus, I said please.”
Belle was helping Lilly hang up a sign displaying the name of the newly formed band. Company B had been Jefferson’s choice, after his favorite song.
“Belle!” Ruby called from the patio of Granny’s, where they were preparing to close early for the rally. “Jeff called! He asked if you could go to the shop!”
Worried that Adam was having a sudden change of mind, Belle rushed to the shop. All the guys were there, already dressed for the stage.
“Why are you ready so soon?” she asked. “The concert doesn’t start till this evening.”
“Dress rehearsal, you might say,” Archie said. Belle raised her eyebrows in appreciation at the meek, unassuming man who usually wore huge cable knit sweaters, now dressed to the nines in a sleek black suit.
All of the men were wearing the same – or at least very similar – black, slim-fitting pants and blazer, with pristine white shirts and a thin black tie. They all looked outrageously attractive, but David, who was already a traditionally handsome man in his khakis and flannel was really something else. Belle wondered how Mary Margaret was going to feel about the girls who were doubtlessly going to drool over the guitarist. And Jefferson, with his black hair to match, well, Belle thought Ruby might have an aneurism.
Victor looked like he knew how good he looked.
“You all look outta sight!” Belle enthused. “But where’s Adam?” She was more than ready to see her handsome man.
“Hiding,” Jefferson said exasperatedly. “He won’t come out. Doesn’t like his outfit.”
Belle’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Doesn’t like…it’s a suit. It’s not that different at all than what he normally wears, just perhaps a little tighter, but he could certainly pull that off.”
“We know!” Jefferson said, flapping his arms as if he was hoping to take flight. “But the digs we got him aren’t…exactly like ours.”
“That’s one way of putting it,” Adam growled from behind the curtain leading the back of his shop.
“Adam?” Belle called, chuckling. “Are you going to come out or are we supposed to pay no mind to the man behind the curtain?”
“I am not coming out. Not until I’m provided a better outfit, or Jefferson fucking returns my clothes!”
Belle glanced at the pile of clothing sitting on the counter, but it was swiped away by Victor before she could grab it. “He’s being stubborn,” Victor said, defensively clutching the clothes against him when Belle rolled her eyes and held her hands out for them. “And besides, there’s no time to get another suit.”
“Then I’ll wear one of mine,” Adam roared, and Belle could tell his patience was absolutely worn thin.
“Adam,” Belle said. “Despite what these loons say, no one is going to make you wear something you don’t want to,” she returned the glare she received from Jefferson and Victor. “But can I see it? Please?”
She could hear him heave a great sigh, and almost imagined that the curtain moved with it. When he emerged, she didn’t see at first any difference between what he was wearing and what the others were, except his tie was a deep gold instead of black. But then he came fully around the counter and Belle definitely saw the difference.
Adam’s pants and jacket were leather.
Not a cheap, shiny faux leather like what Killian wore. This was clearly fine, genuine leather that barely made a sound when he walked.
Belle’s mouth dropped open, eyes instantly fastening on his pants. They clung to him in the most devastating way, leaving blessedly little to the imagination, and looked buttery soft to the touch. (And God did she want to touch!) The jacket, too, fit his form perfectly, emphasizing his arms and shoulders to their best advantage.
Belle shook her head, mouth still agape. “No, absolutely not.”
Adam looked half victorious, half embarrassed, but the look morphed into complete shock when she continued.
“Once women see you in that, I’ll be beating them off with a stick.”
“Wha?” Adam said, blinking owlishly while the other men laughed.
“I told you!” Jefferson said. “I’ve always said you were made for leather!”
“Man to man,” David said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “You really do look good.”
“I hate you,” Victor said.
Adam flushed. “It’s too tight! You can tell which leg is fake!”
Archie tilted his head to look. “Only if you know what to look for. No one else would ever notice, and certainly not in the dark.”
“I’m still not wearing it.”
Belle walked up to him, resting her hands on his shoulders, (it was buttery soft!) and spoke quietly to him, making sure her feeling showed through her voice. “I maintain what I said. If you’re uncomfortable, then change. But just know that I will have every intention of making you put those pants on again soon, even if it’s only to peel them off of you.”
“We can hear you,” Victor said, grimacing.
“You really like it?” Adam asked, bewildered.
Belle released him to step around him, nearly whimpering aloud when she saw what it did to his ass. She dared a discreet pinch in passing, making him jump. “Like doesn’t quite cover it, my love.”
“And besides,” Jefferson whined. “I had it made ‘specially for you!” he continued in a whisper, “And it wasn’t cheap either.”
Adam threw his hands up, cane and all, in surrender. “Fine! I’ll wear it,” he glared at them all for cheering. “But I still don’t see why I should be dressed differently than the rest of you. The lead guitarist is typically the frontrunner, if one should be attired specially.”
“But you’re the lead singer,” Jefferson reasoned. “And besides, you’ll be at the keys most of the time.”
Adam looked at Belle, hooking an arm around her waist. “Should I slick back my hair?”
Belle shook her head emphatically. “No way, leave it!” she emphasized her point by mussing it up, letting strands fall into his face.
“And what will you be wearing?” he asked.
Belle bit her lip thoughtfully. “Well, I hadn’t settled on anything yet, but I think I have just the thing to go with that tie.”
  The dress Belle had decided on the moment she laid eyes on the color of Adam’s tie was one she hadn’t considered before due to it being a tad more formal and traditional than she would normally wear to a rally.
It had been her mother’s; a gift from her father on her thirtieth birthday when he’d taken her out dancing just like she loved. Belle had been ten years old and positive she’d never seen anything as beautiful or glamorous as her mother that night. Just like a real-life movie star.
Belle rushed home and begged her father to help her pull it out of storage. “I hope it’s still in good condition,” she said anxiously.
“Oh I’m sure it is,” Maurice said, pulling a long box down from the attic. “Your mother was meticulous in how she stored things.”
She couldn’t even wait to carry it to her room, plopping down on the floor and flipping off the lid. “It’s just as beautiful as I remember!” she said dreamily.
Maurice’s eyes sparkled jovially. “Well? Are you gonna sit there or go try it on?”
Belle squealed and darted to her room with the dress. She held her breath as she pulled it on and dragged up the small zipper. She was shorter than her mother had been, and a little curvier, so she hoped it would fit.
She stood before her full-length mirror, turning from one side to the other.
The dress was a gold lamè; slightly metallic in appearance without being garish. It was made to fit like a second skin from the bust to the hips, where it fell gently down to the knees – or past them, in Belle’s case. But the fit was perfect. A knot tied in the front, gathering the fabric at the hips, emphasized her hips well. Beading, in a darker gold, decorated the top of the bust in a leafy pattern, dipping down to a point between her breasts. The dainty cap sleeves added a hint of sweetness to the otherwise sultry form.
Belle removed the dress giddily, and ran about to do her hair and get ready. She decided to curl her hair in a forties style more befitting the dress. Besides, she’d worked out that Adam liked her hair curled and even though she would be wearing this dress on stage in front of hundreds of people, she was really wearing it for him tonight.
It was 4pm when she was finished getting ready, adding a final touch to her makeup, and the concert started at 6. But she was going to need to get there soon as she could already hear a crowd starting to form.
“Belle!” her father called up. “Ruby’s here!”
When Belle descended the stairs, both Ruby and Maurice gasped.
“Oh my God, Belle!” Ruby exclaimed.
Belle grinned up at her Papa, who, to her surprise, was actually tearing up a little. “You looked just like your mother walking down those stairs,” he said with an adoring smile. “Just when did this stunning woman replace my little girl?”
“I’m still your little girl,” Belle said and kissed his cheek. “You’re coming to the concert, right?”
“I wouldn’t miss it. Now go on, you two. Break some necks.”
“Papa!” Belle admonished laughingly.
“What? I bought that dress for your Mama. I know good and well what it does to men. Just try not to give poor Gold a heart attack.”
Belle rolled her eyes playfully before donning a long overcoat and sashaying out the door.
“He was right, though,” Ruby said once they were outside. “You are sex incarnate in that thing! Gold’s not gonna know what hit him!”
“I could say the same about you,” Belle said, eyeing Ruby’s red, midriff and cleavage baring front-tying top above matching bellbottoms. “Plus, you just wait until you see the guys.”
 ***
Gold watched Emma in admiration as she made her opening speech on stage. Oh, it was still just a bunch of flowery platitudes about bringing change, but she delivered them with such a vibrant conviction. Her long blonde hair billowed around her face, the lighting making it look like a halo, but with her impassioned expression she was more of an avenging angel. He glanced over at Neal, intending to offer up an approving nod but his son was entirely captivated, his eyes glossed over and completely unmoving from the avenging angel’s form.
He chuckled to himself, knowing well the feeling, having felt it every single time Belle spoke to him, or sang.
“She’s really something,” he had to lean close to Neal’s ear to be heard.
“She sure is…” Neal said dazedly, but then he snapped out of it somewhat to look at his father. “Do you like her?”
Gold’s heart almost broke at the childlike, hopeful look in his son’s eyes. He had never realized until that very moment how important his opinion was to his son, this precious boy he’d only been allowed to have in his life for a grand total of eight years out of twenty.
“You love her,” Gold said. It wasn’t a question.
“You didn’t answer,” Neal said impatiently.
Gold smiled, clapping a hand on the taller man’s shoulder. “I like her very much, Neal. I can’t imagine anyone more suited for one another than you two.” And it was true; Neal’s quiet, sweet nature was perfectly balanced by Emma’s outgoing, if brash personality.
Neal’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Oh, I dunno, I can think of a pair,” he said teasingly.
“Oh? Who? David and Mary Margaret?”
Neal rolled his eyes. “You and Belle, dummy. She brings out the best in you, and according to Emma, the reverse is true, too.”
Gold blinked, having a very hard time believing that Belle’s best was ever hidden, ever, and that he of all people would bring it out. “Well, that first part I can admit is true,” he said gruffly. “You like her, then?” he knew full well that Neal did like Belle, but he also knew his son would be able to read between the lines of the question.
“It’ll never not be weird to have a stepmama five years older than me, but yeah, Pop. I like her.”
Gold floundered for a proper response to “stepmama,” and Neal just laughed when he could only huff in embarrassment.
Emma wrapped up her speech, allowing another young person to take the stand so-to-speak. People cheered and waved signs and flowers in the air, and Gold shook his head in bemusement.
“Gold!”
He spun around to find Jefferson making his way over to him. “You’re not dressed!” he complained.
Indeed, Gold was dressed in one of his usual suits. He may have agreed (and WHAT had possessed him?!) to wear the infernal leather getup, but he wasn’t about to waltz around in it before he had to.
“I’m going, I’m going,” he sighed, fending off Jefferson’s flapping hands in irritation. He looked up at the stage where some of Emma’s minions were now setting up the instruments and microphones to his specifications, and nerves fluttered in his stomach.
He’d never experienced stage-fright when performing with Jefferson in the Army, or even before the war when he’d played guitar and piano in a couple of smoky, filthy bars that had no qualms about letting a 16 year old boy come and play and drink.
And, truth be told, he wasn’t exactly afraid this time either. He didn’t care what the people of Storybrooke thought of him, so long as they didn’t think he was weak. Initially, he’d been disgruntled that everyone would see him for something other than the ruthless deal-maker he’d tried so hard to make himself up to be. But this was for Belle, and if he was afraid of anything, it was of disappointing or maybe worse, embarrassing her.
“Do you know where Belle is?” he asked, careful to keep the edge from his voice.
Jefferson only smirked knowingly, however. “Don’t you fret. If nothing else, you’ll see her right beside you on stage.”
Gold rolled his eyes and turned to make his way back to his shop, wishing he could instead go find Belle now.
Once inside the shop, he grimaced at the mess the others had made in their efforts to get ready, and closed the blinds before heading for the back. He had just finished removing his suit and was giving the leather pants a rueful look when he heard the bell above his door ring, cursing that he’d forgotten to lock it.
“Adam? Are you in here?”
Gold sighed in relief, and felt all of his nerves settle instantly. It still astounded him how just her voice could do that to him.
“I’m back here, Belle,” he called, adding hastily in case Ruby or someone was with her, “I’m changing.”
“But I like you the way you are!” she teased.
“Hilarious,” he deadpanned. “A regular Joan Davis, you are.”
Belle giggled. “Who?”
“Oh hush, you. Are you coming back or not?”
“Am I allowed? I’d hate to catch you when you’re indecent!”
He hoped he was right and that by the tone of her voice, she was alone. Otherwise, he was about to make her and whoever was with her really blush. “And having me buried to the hilt inside of you wasn’t indecent?”
He could just barely make out a small hiccupping sound, but no response. A moment later the curtain was pushed aside and she was standing in the doorway, smirking but definitely red around the cheeks. “You win,” she said, crossing her arms.
But it was his turn to be left speechless, although that was common when he ever saw her for the first time after even mere hours of separation.
Her hair done in wide, soft curls that waved seductively around her face, a style he hadn’t seen much of since his twenties. Her eyes were lined in dark kohl, and her lips were painted in a vibrant red. He firmly believed that she didn’t need an ounce of makeup, and she rarely wore much, if at all, but the differentness and the way it brought attention to her full lips and made her already incredible blue eyes stand out even more left him feeling completely stunned.
It was the flower that did it, though. A small, shimmery gold flower was painted on her right cheek, and judging by her smirk when he eyed it, he knew it was there just for him. How she had guessed his odd love for her flowers, he didn’t know.
“You look…uh…” he couldn’t even find the damn word. He was an intelligent, well-read man but he couldn’t sift through his credible vocabulary for one that accurately described how she looked to him.
“Thank you,” she said sweetly, taking his silence as the compliment it was. “You look rather nice as well.”
It was only then that he remembered that he was still standing there in nothing but a pair of black briefs. He flushed hotly, but laughed at himself, and reached for the accursed pants. “Are you going to show me what’s under that coat?” he asked as he sat down in a chair to maneuver the unwieldy things over his wooden leg.
“Not yet,” she said simply, pushing herself up to sit on the work table. The movement allowed him to catch a flash of gold, however, and he gulped. She had said, after all, that she had something to match him.
He stood up, almost unbalancing, and struggled to pull the pants up. “I hope you’re enjoying the show,” he grumbled good-naturedly.
But she was biting her lip, eyeing him with wide pupils. For heaven’s sake, was she becoming aroused by this undignified production?!
He thought about asking her to help him, but they simply didn’t have time for shenanigans right then, and the last thing he needed was another wooden appendage to take onstage.
But she was sitting there, her legs uncrossed, looking so inviting, that he gave in and stepped between her knees so that she could do up the buttons of his shirt.
“This is the opposite of what I’d like to be doing right now,” she murmured, her low voice going straight to his groin.
He smiled in fond surprise when she took his tie from him, looping it around her own neck to do up the knot expertly. “Always did it for Papa,” she explained quietly.
Once she had the tie around his neck, and the knot meticulously straightened, she patted his chest with both hands. “Perfect.”
“Thank you,” he said quietly, unable to keep from imagining this exact scenario every morning for the rest of his life.
His hands wandered to the belt of her coat, wanting to see her without the heavy thing dwarfing her beautiful form.
“Not yet,” she said, pulling away and lightly smacking his hand. When he whined in protest, she smirked impishly and started slowly hiking up both coat and dress, uncovering her thighs to his eager view. “But how about a little preview to tide you over?”
He licked his lips, eyes unwavering as his own hands smoothed up her stockinged legs to help her. His breath hitched when, at the top of her thighs, he felt a band of soft lace and the clasp of garters. When the clothing was at last moved out of the way, he could see that her garter belt was a dainty, tantalizing thing colored a soft ivory. Something made to seduce, not like a regular utilitarian one.
“My dear,” he said gruffly, fingering the delicate lace. “As…as absolutely lovely as this is, I’m afraid I’m coming into a rather precarious situation involving very tight pants.”
Belle let out a breathy chuckle and quickly smoothed down her dress and coat. “Sorry,” she said, with absolutely no remorse.
Both Gold and Belle nearly jumped out of their skin when the curtain to the backroom flew back, a flash of red being all he could make out until the blood rushed back to his brain and he could see Ruby standing in the doorway. He hadn’t even heard the bell ring.
“Oh, damn, am I interrupting something?” she said, grinning.
“Well, at least that took care of that problem,” Gold muttered, backing away from Belle.
“Jeff’s looking for you,” Ruby said. “He said to get your ass…” she trailed off, and Gold turned back around from where he’d been donning his jacket to see what was the matter. Her eyes were wide, and fastened to his legs. He froze, feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable. Did she think he looked ridiculous? Not that he cared what she thought…oh, who was he kidding? She was Belle’s best friend, and if he was going to be honest with himself, the last thing he wanted was to be laughed at by a woman.
“Holy shit,” Ruby said, her eyebrows reaching her hairline. “Belle, you weren’t even exaggerating.”
Gold shot a glare over at Belle. “What does she mean?”
Belle just shrugged innocently. “I only told her about how good you look in leather, that’s all. It would seem she agrees with me.”
Gold pulled a face. “Seriously?”
Ruby threw back her head and barked out a laugh, turning to leave and saying over her shoulder, “just be glad Belle got to you when you were still lurking in your shop in old fashioned suits, cause if you’d looked like that all along, you’d be getting more action than Ringo,” she continued to call out as she exited the shop, “and I’m counting myself, just for the record!”
Once she was gone, Gold stared in horror at the spot where she had been standing before slowly looking at Belle again.
“I hope you’re not getting ideas,” she said, teasing, but with perhaps a bit of sincerity.
“My idea is pleading with you for help,” he said, making her laugh.
“I’m afraid the time has come for the rest of Storybrooke to fall in love with you,” she sighed, hopping down from the counter, and he made a show of rolling his eyes. “You ready?” she asked him.
“As long as you’re with me,” he said, crooking his arm for her to take. “Then I’m ready for anything.”
 Belle led Adam through alleyways to get to the stage without having to weave through the crowd. Jefferson and all the rest where already there.
“Bout time,” Jefferson snapped. “You two can have celebratory sex later!”
“Jefferson!” Gold growled.
“Wow, Pop,” Neal said. “You look…uh…different,” he looked at Emma, who averted her eyes awkwardly.
“Can we just get on with it?” Gold growled, wishing very much to not be the center of attention anymore.
“You’re up, Belle,” Emma said nodding at her.
Gold hadn’t known that it’d be Belle who would announce him, but he was pleased. She finally shrugged off that coat of hers, and handed it to Ruby. But Gold was struck absolutely dumb by the sight of her.
The shimmering gold fabric hugged her body from behind like it wasn’t even there, like she was just standing there, naked, her body dripping in liquefied gold. When she turned, his eyes caught the glittering beading decorating the tops of her breasts. She looked like some kind of siren, or someone who belonged on a Hollywood red carpet, and not backwater Maine.
“You like it?” she asked shyly, and it was amazing how anyone that beautiful could ever feel shy about her looks. “It was my mother’s.”
Gold could barely imagine the stately, conservative Collette dressed so, and believed strongly that the mother’s willowy frame did not do the dress justice the way Belle’s graceful, womanly shape did.
“It’s extraordinary, Belle. And I think Collette would have been very proud of you tonight, sweetheart,” he said, and not talking about the dress.
Belle beamed, and spun on her heels to make her way on stage.
He listened with half an ear while Belle described how ticket sales of the evening were being put to good use, but as much as he liked to listen to her talk, it was time for him to mentally prepare for playing music for an audience for the first time in twenty years.
He supposed he hadn’t let himself think too much about it in the days leading up to this event. He knew if he did think about it, he’d overthink it. Well, all that time spent putting it out of his mind was catching up to him.
“I can’t do this,” he mumbled, not really meaning for anyone to hear.
But Jefferson, as usual, heard anyway. “Yeah, you can.”
“It’s easy for you to say, you and the others at least have a certain stage presence. You’re all young, nice looking…”
Jefferson laughed. “You seriously haven’t gotten a clue about yourself, huh? And what are you even saying? You’re barely a couple of years older than me.”
“But I look old, you don’t.”
“What does looks have to do with anything, anyway?”
Gold shook his head. “Nothing. I just…”
Jefferson laid a hand on his shoulder. “You’re gonna do great. We all are. If it gets to be too much, just look at Belle. If you can’t see Belle, close your eyes and pretend we’re in that pub in Dublin, just you, me, and a handful of drunk women and even drunker cadets.”
Gold chuckled. “Thank you, Jefferson.”
Jefferson tried to wave him off, but he continued. Feeling like if he didn’t say this now while the noise of the crowd all but drowned him out, he never would. “No, I mean, thank you for everything. For showing up at my house unannounced all those years, and ignoring me when I tried to kick you out. For helping me when I was searching for Neal, even when I didn’t ask for your help. For never turning away from me, even though you probably should have.”
Jefferson grinned, and gave Gold’s shoulder a squeeze. “What’s a best friend for? Now come on, old man, this mushy stuff is getting too much. Who knew you were such a sap?”
Gold shoved ineffectively at the larger man, and barely caught the end of Belle announcing their names.
 “…because if we want a change for our children, we need to start with the people who are here now,” Belle paused for effect. “And now, for our special surprise musical performance, we have a few faces here that the Storybrooke locals will recognize! All five of these men served in the US military during World War II, all barely out of high school when they either enlisted or were drafted. Some were injured, and all of their lives were altered forever. When we hold up signs that say, Bring Our Boys Home, I just hope we all remember that coming home is just half the battle for some of those boys, and we must continue to support them! And now, without further ado, may I present…Company B!”
Belle exited the stage as the group went on, shooting Adam a quick thumbs-up as they passed by one another.
“Hello, Storybrooke!” Jefferson exclaimed into the mike to an uproarious applause. He reached behind his back, and like some sort of magic trick, produced one of his infamous top hats, rolling it over his arm before flicking it on to his head with a dramatic flourish. “For those of you who don’t already know us; my name is Jefferson, and over on electric guitar is David, that’s Victor on drums, Archie on bass, and last but certainly not least…on the keys and lead vocals, Adam, a.k.a. Mr. Gold!”
Belle just had to peak around the stairs, first up at Adam who was glaring daggers at the back of Jefferson’s head, and then at the audience who was absolutely buzzing. It was easy to spot from a distance who was local and who was not. The non-locals merely looked excited and the women were whispering and pointing out the ones they thought were cutest. The locals were having a fit of utter and wild shock the moment the name Mr. Gold left Jeff’s mouth. She wasn’t at all sure if anyone would have recognized him up there if Jefferson had only called him Adam.
Adam quietly counted down, and they launched right into their first number, a bluesy cover of The Wanderer. This would be the only one led by David, Victor, and Archie. Jefferson had told her in an aside that it was to sort of ease the public into the idea of Adam as a “rock star,” (his words.)
“They’re loving it!” Ruby exclaimed, bouncing up at down. “Killian’s crap band had nothing on these guys!”
Where The Killings had accrued a modicum of enthusiasm from the crowd that night, it had been mostly due to the fact that the entire audience was either drunk, stoned, or both.
There was no doubt that any number of the concert goers currently in attendance were probably under the influence, but David had called in reinforcements from Augusta PD to act as security, and their intimidating and comforting presence was everywhere.
The reaction to Company B was something entirely different, and when they merged straight from The Wanderer into a fast-paced, more rock-n-roll version of an old Glenn Miller number; Moonlight Cocktail, Belle had to just laugh at loud at the change.
Adam leaned forward toward his microphone, his usual croon taking on a slighter rougher edge. She didn’t know if it was intentional or not, but it was sexy as hell.
“Couple of jiggers of moonlight, and add a star, pour in the blue of a June night and one guitar. Mix in a couple of dreamers, and there you are: lovers hail the Moonlight Cocktail..”
From the first word Belle heard an actual scream from somewhere in the crowd. Jaws were practically on the ground.
“This is absolutely gonna ruin his reputation,” Neal said cheerfully.
Belle watched as Adam’s confidence slowly grew, and he was pulled further into the music. No one else was there for him. His eyes were closed and it was just him, the piano, and his own voice.
There were people who could sing and play music and sound very good. There were simply people who wholly loved music. And then there was someone like Adam, who held the music in their soul until it had no choice but to come bursting out. And he’d been holding it in for far too long.
It was the most beautiful thing Belle had ever seen.
As the song was coming to a close, something caught Belle’s attention from the corner of her eye.
There was someone mounting the steps on the other side of the stage. From the way the lights were angled Belle couldn’t tell who it was until he was already on stage.
“Who the hell is that?!” Emma demanded.
“Oh no,” Belle gasped.
David reached out to stop Killian, but his guitar got in the way and Killian snaked around him, snatching his mic on the way.
“The fuck kind of faggot music is this?!” he slurred. “Who ‘ere wants some real music?!”
He pumped his fist, apparently expecting a cheer, but only response he got was some nervous laughing and one guy somewhere yelling, “Get off the stage, moron!”
Belle and Emma were mounting the steps to the stage the same time a couple of officers were from the other side, but they were both halted by a look from Adam.
The two officers snatched the mic from Killian and grabbed his arms while he flailed uselessly against them. “Hey! The fuck, man?!”
“Time for you to go, Mr. Jones,” Adam said, having stood from the piano and approached him, his voice low and dangerous. “You know, I’m rather glad for this pathetic show of yours. This way, you can be escorted straight to a cell and bother no one for the rest of the night.”
“Piss off, you fucking old…crocodile!” Killian said. “I’ll be out tomorrow, and you better watch your back!”
Adam rolled his eyes, standing with both hands on his cane. “What are you going to do? Throw more cheap firecrackers into my shop like a pre-adolescent boy? Not your best work, Dearie.”
“Oh yeah?! It had you pissing yourself like a useless pansy! Or maybe next time I should bring out the big guns! Just gotta make sure that whore of yours is there too!”
“Like you did last time?”
Killian huffed a laugh. “Last time I was just lucky that she was there to see what a coward you are!”
Adam’s eyes calmly darted up to David’s. “Will that do it?”
David shook his head in amusement. “That’ll do it. You all heard that as a confession, right?” he addressed the audience, who all cheered. “Not to mention a threat.”
Killian blanched, looking out at the crowd and then down at the mic that David was holding out toward him. “Wha…no! Wait!”
But he was dragged off the stage by then, and the crowd was going wild.
“You think it’ll matter that he’s probably drunk?” Ruby asked Belle.
“It shouldn’t.”
They spun around to see Gaston, standing with his arms crossed. “He wasn’t that drunk, I was with him while he was drinking. And if asked, I’m prepared to say he was sober as a nun.”
“Really?” Belle asked. “Why? He’s your friend.”
“He’s an ass,” Gaston said. “And maybe I am, too, but what he did to you, and to Gold…well…that was shit. And I’m sorry. Though I swear, I had nothing to do with the firecrackers. That was all Killian and Smith.”
“Then will you file a report?” Emma asked him. “Against them both?”
Gaston nodded. “Yeah. I’m sick of being their muscle.”
Belle smiled up at him, happy to know he wasn’t all bad.
But right then she had more important things to do, and she rushed up on stage as they were righting the mic stand and getting back into position. Adam was still standing, grinning proudly at her, and she didn’t hesitate to throw herself into his arms and kiss him hard, mindless of the hundreds of eyes upon them.
“And on that note…” Jefferson enthused, “Ladies and gents, Miss Belle French!”
“You ready?” Adam asked her quietly, facing away from the crowd.
Belle grinned up at him. “As long as you’re with me, I’m ready for anything.”
She had planned on either standing or sitting beside him on the bench, but Adam surprised her by pushing her up against the back of the piano, setting his cane aside, and hoisting her up. Quite a feat, since it was rather high. The crowd hooted and whistled when Adam lingered, pressed against her, his nose inches from hers.
He left her regretfully and took his seat, running a scale before beginning the song she knew well. They still never managed to rehearse, but Belle found it as easy as breathing to sing with him. Her eyes never left his, both because they didn’t want to, but also to pick out subtle cues from him.
“I don’t like you, but I love you.”
“Seems that I’m always, thinking of you.”
“Though, you treat me badly, I love you madly, you really got a hold on me.”
Though the lyrics didn’t quite fit their relationship, (as if he would ever treat her badly!) it was simply one they both had agreed they liked.
Belle sang straight through, and Adam came in and out as he occasionally had to focus on his playing, but also, she suspected, to just let her go at it alone. She swayed from her perch on the piano, feeling like a starlet from an old Hollywood film.
“I don’t want you, but I need you. Don’t want to kiss you, but I need to. Though, you do me wrong now, my love is strong now. You really got a hold on me,”
“You really got a hold on me…”
Adam was giving her a look from beneath his lashes, and God if she didn’t want to just slide down into his lap and have him right there, spectators be damned. How could he really not know how sexy he was?!
“Baby, I love you and all I want you to do is just…
Hold me,
Hold me,
Hold me…tighter…”
They finished the song, still looking at nothing but one another, and Belle was pleasantly surprised when he stood up and leaned over the keys to kiss her thoroughly.
“Okay you two, get a room!” Jefferson said into the mic, eliciting a riotous response. “You ready Adam?”
A look passed between Jefferson and Adam that Belle couldn’t decipher. When he turned back to her again, it was with such a boyish smirk that Belle had never seen on him. It took years off of him. “Stay there?” he asked, and she was helpless at that point but to grant his request.
To her confusion, he didn’t resume his spot at the keys, and instead went to stand beside David, who was holding up a second electric guitar. Adam had mentioned, briefly, that he knew how to play several instruments, but that piano was just the one he loved. She’d had no clue that he had been planning this, but all the other guys had a look of excited expectation that she wondered if perhaps this possibility had been up in the air.
She watched he took position in the center of the stage before handing Jefferson his cane, who in turn handed it to her. She couldn’t help worrying about his balance, but though he leaned all of his weight on his good leg, he appeared confident.
“And now,” Adam said into the mic. “A crap rendition of one of your favorites. Two…three…four…
“Well she was just seventeen, and you know, what I mean, and the way she looked was way beyond compare…”
The audience finally lost it at that point, and Belle could almost believe that the actual Beatles had somehow snuck up behind them. They didn’t try to outright mimic the hugely popular group, however, still maintaining their own bluesy vibe, but Belle could barely recognize the…well…rock star that had taken over her boyfriend.
“So, how could I dance with another, oh, when I saw her standing there?”
Adam half turned to catch her gaze, singing directly at her. “Well she looked at me, and I, I could see, that before too long, I’d fall in love with her…”
Belle blew a kiss at him.
“She wouldn’t dance with another, oh…when I saw her standing there.”
Jefferson lowered his horn and hopped over to share Adam’s mic. It didn’t look rehearsed, but Adam only grinned and moved aside to let him.
“Well my heart went boom, when I crossed that room, and I held her hand in mine…”
Jefferson glanced off stage himself, and Belle followed his look to where Ruby was standing. Belle waved her over, and although she was turning as red as her outfit, Ruby skipped out on stage to stand beside her as the giggled and sang along.
“Oh we danced, through the night, and we held each other tight, and before too long, I fell in love with her.
“Now I’ll never dance with another, when I saw her standing there.”
 Company B was called out for two encores before the night was over. Though he kept trying to tell himself that his ears were playing tricks on him, Gold could actually hear people in the crowd specifically chanting, “Adam! Adam!”
When they finally exited the stage for a final time to allow the rest of the evening to carry on, they were flocked by excited young people, all strangers that Gold could tell. Each man seemed to have his own little group of moon-eyed girls, and while Victor looked thrilled, and Archie looked bashfully flattered, he, David, and Jefferson all grouped together to try and escape.
“Will you sign my program?” A girl (too young to be there, in his opinion,) asked him, holding up one of the pamphlets being passed around that detailed the lineup of the event.
Gold looked at Jefferson, unsure of how to respond. Why would a child want his autograph? Did they make a mistake and think the band was actually famous? But Jefferson jerked his head and motioned for him to do it, so he awkwardly took the girl’s program and signed his name the same way he did countless lease agreements.
The girl squealed her thanks before moving on to Jefferson, asking the same, and that started a trend of everyone holding up pamphlets and flyers and whatever else they had in their hands from wallets to T-shirts to be signed.
Gold shook his head, murmuring to Jefferson, “They can’t honestly believe anything signed by us would be worth anything one day.”
Jefferson rolled his eyes at him, a clear imitation of him. “Not everything is about money, old man. They simply want to have something to remember a fun night. Just sign your damn John Handcock and enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame, will you?”
Gold shrugged and reached for the nearest flyer, managing a smile for the surprisingly earnest looking young man. He scanned the crowd for Belle, finding her just a few feet behind him, and was gratified to see that they were asking her to add her signature as well. He didn’t like how most of the people surrounding her were young men, but he refused to begrudge her the well-deserved attention. Especially since she looked like she was having so much fun. She looked up and gave him a heated look, and his disquiet settled immediately. Let the randy boys lust after her, as it was his bed she would be returning to that night.
When he took a flyer from a young Storybrooke resident, he blinked in surprise. He recognized him as William Gus, or “Billy,” the son of one of his tenants. Gold had never had much contact with him outside of the boy helping his father at the auto repair shop her frequented.
“Wow, Mr. Gold,” he said. “You’re far out!”
“Um, thank you?” Gold replied, feeling odd about giving a teenager an autograph when in years prior, he and his friends would dare one another to run into his backyard to show how “brave” they were.
“I’d give anything to play piano like that,” he continued, his face sincere. “I’ve tried learning on my own but…you think maybe sometime you could give me some pointers?”
Gold’s eyebrows raised, and he ignored the nudge from Jefferson. “Um…we can see if we can work something out. Come by my shop sometime…”
Billy grinned, but he was pushed unceremoniously away by a tall redhead.
She might have been pretty, had it not been for the somewhat manic look in her eyes, and Gold took an involuntary step back.
“Hi! I’m Zelena,” she said, perhaps trying for alluring but looking more like she needed to visit the latrine. “Could I please have your autograph?”
Gold looked for a flyer, but her hands were empty. “Um…what do you…”
Before he could even hope to react, the daft women’s blouse was up and over her head, and due to their considerable height difference and her high-heeled boots, he was eye level with a pair of bare breasts.
He stumbled backward, horrified despite being unable to look away. Jefferson, damn the idiot, was only laughing.
“Right here, and here,” she said demurely, pointing to just above her nipples, and stepping closer to his retreating form, reaching a hand out to his leather-clad thigh. “And then perhaps I could accompany you…”
“Ookay, that’ll be quite enough of that.”
Gold heaved a sigh of relief to see Belle suddenly standing between him and the demented woman, staring up at her like she wasn’t also face-to-face with a strange woman’s tits. But he felt his breath hitch at the low, dangerous sound of her voice. She hadn’t sounded like that even speaking to Jones.
“Excuse me?” Zelena snapped.
“You heard me! Put those away and get the fuck away from my man!”
Zelena looked ready to fight, but her arms were seized by David, who was motioning for some other officers to come over while grabbing up the woman’s shirt and holding it in front of her.
Gold didn’t watch the crazed woman get arrested, he only had eyes for his fierce little love.
“I guess I’m gonna have to get used to that,” she growled, turning to him. “Now that the secret is out of what a sexy beast you are.”
Gold threw back his head and laughed, then twined his arms around her. “Well, I may be a beast, but let’s not get carried away. And you most certainly will not have to get used to that, because I’m ready to go home.”
He watched as her hackles lowered and she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Me too.”
“What? No, you should stay…”
She cut him off with a quick kiss. “But I’ve been watching you sway and dance in those infernal pants and…I’m ready to go home.”
“Have a good night, Gold,” Victor said, managing to turn such a simple sentence into something lewd.
“You as well,” he toned, glancing at the multiple women all but hanging off him.
Before they could escape the crowd, Neal and Emma found them, followed by an older man.
“That was UNBELIEVABLE!” Neal exclaimed, and Gold’s heart warmed at his son’s boyish enthusiasm. “Pop, you’re a god!”
Gold pulled a face before rolling his eyes indulgently. “Well, my name is only a letter away…”
“Pop…uh, I mean, Mr. Gold…” Emma said, an uncharacteristic pink blush creeping onto her cheeks, but instead of laughing at the slip, Gold gave her a warm smile. “This is Mr. Midas,” she continued. “He was watching the concert and asked to speak to you.”
“Wonderful to meet you,” Midas said, shaking Gold’s hand before pulling out a business card. “I just happened to be in the area when I heard about a concert being put on starring a band made up of WWII vets. Being a former Marine myself, I just had to come see, and I must tell you, I liked what I saw.”
Gold looked at the card before handing it off to Belle. “You’re a record producer?” he asked, with no little amount of skepticism.
“That’s right. And I’ve been keeping an eye out for something different, and you, Mr. Gold, are different. I’d like to discuss signing you on, you and the band, of course.”
Gold help up a hand, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Mr. Midas, but I have no interest in pursuing this as a career. I’m a businessman, not a singer. This was a one-time thing. Now, if you’d like to speak to the other men, perhaps they…”
But Midas was shaking his head. “Don’t get me wrong, the others are good, but I’m really only interested in a deal with you as the front man. Besides simple, raw talent, you have a very rare charisma Mr. Gold, one that isn’t easy to find.”
Gold shook his head again, and looked down at Belle, who was smiling up at him with something like triumph in her eyes.
“Thank you,” Gold said. “But I’m going to have to decline.”
Midas narrowed his eyes at him. “I can make you rich.”
Gold chuffed. “I’m already rich.”
“And it’s nothing compared to what you can have, and you look like a savvy businessman, Mr. Gold. One who understands the value of a dollar. I’m not giving up on this.”
Gold felt irritation building. “Well, you’ll have to direct all inquiries to my agent.”
“Your…you have an agent?”
Gold flipped his hand toward Belle. “Her.”
Belle gave him a look, but then straightened up and stuck out her hand. “Belle French. I represent the band.”
Midas looked at them both shrewdly, but shook Belle’s hand. “You were something yourself, Miss French. Quite a voice you have there. I’ll be in touch.”
Once he was gone, Gold all but pulled Belle away until they were where he had parked his car by the shop.
Belle didn’t speak until they were at his house. “Was that just a ploy to get him to leave, or are you really considering it?” she asked while she hanged up her coat.
“What do you think of it?” he asked her.
“What I think of it doesn’t really matter. It’s your decision. Yours and the band’s.”
“You are in the band,” he reasoned.
She chuckled. “Not really. But at any rate, Midas was pretty clear that what he really wants is you. So the decision is really all yours.”
Gold shook his head, and placed his hands on her hips to pull her closer. “Your opinion absolutely matters, Belle. Even if I was considering such a thing, I wouldn’t take a single step until I was sure of your feelings on it. I love you, Belle, I want you always in my life. So yes, your opinion matters.”
Belle bit her lip, and he gently freed it with his thumb. “I think you have such a wonderful talent,” she said carefully. “And you looked so joyful up on stage, like I’ve never seen…”
“But…” he prompted.
She averted her eyes to her shoes. “But I would be afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid…oh, I don’t know! You’d get all famous and be taken away from me!”
Gold chuckled and pressed a few nibbling kisses to her lips. “Not bloody likely, my love. I have no desire, whatsoever, to be any sort of famous…unless I’m infamous.”
Belle swatted his arm. “Be serious.”
“I am serious. I’m not going to sign on with Midas. I don’t want nor need the money he’s obviously after himself. However…”
She looked back up at him. “However?”
Gold jerked his head toward the stairs, and led the way up. His leg was screaming and he needed to be off of it immediately. He knew he would probably regret that little guitar performance without his cane.
He fell onto bed and Belle started fussing over him immediately.
“Oh you poor darling! I wasn’t even thinking. You’ve been putting way too much weight on it all night, having you?”
“Way too much,” he admitted, feeling it all start to catch up with him.
Belle propped him up with some pillows then moved her hands down to his waist, deftly undoing the buttons of his pants, but not before running a lingering hand up his thigh.
It was hardly a sexy production, peeling the ridiculous pants off him, and he cringed at how sweaty he was.
“I should probably shower,” he said, wrinkling his nose.
“I’m in much the same boat as you,” she chuckled. “This dress doesn’t exactly breathe well.”
“That dress is going to live in my dreams for the rest of my life,” he said honestly.
“How about a bath?” she suggested. “You have a rather huge tub in there…enough room for two, perhaps?”
Gold grinned. A good soak sounded wonderful, but a good soak with Belle sounded like heaven.
He tensed when she took it upon herself to undo the clasps of his leg, but she was businesslike and did it so efficiently, (she must have been watching,) that he relaxed under her touch, especially when she began to rub the enflamed stump.
“My poor love,” she cooed, before reaching to hand him his crutches and helping him up.
He stopped once he was in a sitting position however, running his hands up and down her sides like he’d wanted to all evening, loving the way the fabric glistened as it moved.
Smiling, she turned around so he could access the zipper, and he helped her step out of the dress, taking care not to crush the delicate material.
His mouth ran dry at the sight of her ivory lace brassiere that pushed her breasts up while doing nothing to conceal them, and the matching panties and garter belt. “Beautiful…” he whispered.
He unhooked her stockings from the garters and took his time rolling them down, propping first one foot and then the other on his knee, and nipping at her skin as we went.
“Glad you like them,” she said. “I’ve never bought sexy lingerie before.”
He smiled against her inner thigh. “If you like lingerie, then you should have it. I’ll buy you the whole store.”
Belle laughed and threaded her fingers in his hair, pulling sharply and making him groan. “It’s funny, except I believe you’d actually do that.”
“It would be a small price to pay if it meant you would maybe give me a fashion show.”
She pulled her leg away from him, but he didn’t have time to pout before she was unhooking her brassiere and stepping closer so her breasts were inches from his face.
“Could I have your autograph?” she asked in a mockingly high voice, barely able to keep a straight face.
He smirked up at her, but proceeded to do just that, and signed his name above her nipples…with his tongue.
“Come on, you,” she sighed when he sucked a nipple into his mouth. “Let’s get you into the tub before you make yourself any more achy.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he growled, giving her rear a swift pinch and making her giggle.
She helped him to stand, and hobble his way to the bathroom. His arousal waned during the process of undressing and getting into the tub. It was awkward and clumsy, not sexy in the least, and never would be.
But Belle helped him along lovingly and patiently, humming their song under her breath and giving him sweet kisses every time her mouth was near enough to his.
And he could finally believe it, fully and completely for the first time in their relationship. “You don’t love me despite it,” he said, not realizing until she looked up at him that he’d said it aloud.
“What?”
“My injury. You don’t just love me despite it. It really doesn’t bother you at all, does it?”
Belle smiled, her eyes growing soft. “You finally believe me?” she asked. “I love all of you, Adam Gold. I love your mind, your body, the scars that make you who you are today, and I even love that artificial leg because it’s part of you.”
Gold kissed her then. He had to. He tried to infuse every ounce of love he felt for her into it, but still wasn’t sure if it was enough. He would simply have to spend the rest of his life showing her, and he was more than happy to do just that.
They got into the water, sighing both as the warmth soothed away both of their various aches from the evening, but mostly due to their bodies finally being pressed against one another with no barriers.
They started out simply relaxing, but naturally it was only a matter of time before kisses led to touches, and touches led to Belle twisting around, giggling as she almost slipped, and straddling him as he reclined further back into the water. He knew then that spending the extra money on the large tub had been well worth it.
If they ended up splashing most of the water out of the tub, they hardly cared as they made love slowly. Gold whispered how much he loved her into her ear with every thrust, and she cried out the same in response.
It was difficult to get traction in the tub, and the way she was on top of and wrapped securely around him, he found he couldn’t pull out of her though his orgasm was rapidly approaching. She was hardly even moving up and down anymore, just grinding and writhing on him, and it was driving him mad.
“Belle,” he groaned, not stilling his motion despite the danger. “I can’t…you need…you need to get up, sweetheart, I can’t…”
“No…” she moaned, desperate for release, her face glorious as it twisted up in what might look like pain if he didn’t know better. “Don’t leave me!”
With a proverbial fuck it, he pulled her down even harder against him, twisting his hips. He covered her mouth with, swallowing her scream as she came, the throbbing of her core pulling him even deeper into her, giving him no choice but to follow her into bliss with a shout.
They lay slumped in the cooling water for a long time, letting their breathing even out and their heartrates return to normal.
At long last though, what remained of the water had gotten too cold, and without speaking they both moved to get up. Belle gasped when he slipped out of her.
They still didn’t speak as they got ready for bed, but could hardly keep from touching one another as they donned nightclothes (she wore his shirt again, of course.)
Once they were finally in bed, Belle’s head pillowed against his chest, she broke the silence.
“That was intense,” she whispered.
“Yes, it was,” he agreed. “Belle, I’m sorry. I didn’t…”
“Why are you sorry?” she asked, raising his head to look at him. “I’m the one who should apologize. I wouldn’t let you pull out. It was stupid of me…I just wasn’t thinking…”
“But I should have used one of the condoms I bought. I wasn’t thinking either, love. I’m sorry.”
“Why don’t we just agree that we were both a little foolish, and not do it again? It was only once, after all. And in water…doesn’t that make a difference?”
He chuckled. “I don’t think so, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. We’ll be more careful in the future.”
“Adam?”
“Yes, Belle?”
“I love you.”
“And I love you, so very much.”
 Epilogue
 “You ready?” his doctor asked, having generously granted a house call for this.
Gold nodded, swallowing in both nervousness and self-consciousness.
Belle, Jefferson, and Neal were all present in his living room, all focused on him as he sat on the sofa in a t-shirt and cotton shorts, trying on his new leg for the first time.
It was sleek, smooth gray plastic, made to be the exact same size and shape of his other leg. Jefferson had said it looked like something from the Space Age. The joints were fitted with titanium ball and sockets, which would give him a natural range of motion, instead of the jerky movement of the aluminum joints on his old one.
The part that attached the limb to his thigh was comprised of soft, smooth leather straps, and a rubbery substance that molded to his flesh comfortably, preventing slipping and absorbing shock. The special “sock” worn under it would keep it from feeling too hot.
It was already incomparably more comfortable than his old one, and he wasn’t even standing yet.
The doctor stood back, so he could observe the fit, and Jefferson lent a hand to help him to his feet. Gold took a deep breath, and levered himself up, clinging to both Jefferson and his cane.
The joints rolled smoothly, but not so smoothly that they wouldn’t lock one he was standing straight.
He looked over at Belle, who was grinning madly. Neal had reached over and taken one of her hands, and she looked like she was about to squeeze the life out of it.
When she nodded in encouragement, he lifted his good foot first, as always, marveling at the lack of pressure and discomfort when all of his weight was braced on the prosthetic.
“Go slowly,” the doctor cautioned. “The joints will move much more easily than you’re used to, so you’re likely to overcompensate.”
Gold took a full step, understanding immediately what the doctor was talking about. It was like picking up an empty box when you were expecting one filled with books.
But once he understood that, he felt much steadier, and released his hold on Jefferson. He walked to the far end of the living room, each step more confident than the last. The discomfort and pain he’d lived with for half his life was all but gone.
When he reached the far wall, he turned back around to face his family, and looked down at the cane in his hand. After twenty years of needing assistance in order to walk, he leaned the cane against the wall, and took his first steps alone.
He almost unbalanced for a second, causing Belle to make a small sound of alarm, but he held up a hand to stop anyone from helping, and crossed the room back to them.
By the time he reached where Belle had come to stand, he was no longer even limping. He could walk – normally and comfortably – for the first time in twenty years.
“Belle,” he whispered, tears now running unchecked down his face.
She was in no better condition, but neither were Jefferson and Neal for that matter. Even his doctor had to turn away to fish out a handkerchief.
“You did it!” Belle said.
He opened his arms, both arms, and she obliged him by flying into them. “Thank you, Belle,” he whispered.
“Why are you thanking me?” she asked, pulling back just far enough to look at him.
“Why?” he laughed. “For looking into the choices available to me? For helping me research the best one? For being so damned wonderful all of the time and bringing me…God…for bringing me back from the dead?”
Belle blushed, ducking her face into his chest. “You did that on your own,” she said, her voice muffled. “I just kicked you into gear.”
“A kick I sorely needed,” he said into her hair. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you, too.”
“AND I LOVE YOU, TOO!” Jefferson exclaimed loudly, making them all jump.
“Oh get over here,” Gold said, rolling his eyes and beckoning with one arm.
Jefferson almost plowed the two of them over, throwing his long arms around them both.
Shrugging at the bemused doctor, Neal sauntered over to the bunch, opposite side of Jefferson, and joined the group hug.
“Help! I’m suffocating!” Belle squawked from her position in the middle.
“Just feel the love,” Jefferson said, patting her hair. “Feel the love.”
“That’s enough!” Gold roared, pushing everyone but Belle away. “I’ve had just about enough love for one day, thank you!”
“But the others aren’t even here yet!” Jefferson complained. “They’ll want to share the love, believe me.”
“Others? You mean Emma and Ruby?”
Jefferson hesitated. “…And Victor, and Archie, and David, and Mary Margaret…oh! And Granny. Uh, and Moe.”
Gold groaned. “What? You didn’t tell me you were inviting everyone over!”
“You invited my dad?” Belle asked, surprised.
“Granny and Ruby are bringing dinner!” he said as if that made up for everything. “They all just want to offer their congratulations, that’s all!”
“Come on, Papa,” Neal said. “They’re your friends.”
Gold rolled his eyes again. “I suppose. I’m glad you at least gave me this much warning. I’d better go change. Belle?”
“What?” she asked innocently. “What do you need me to go with you for? You said you’ve had enough love for one day!”
He reached over and grabbed her arm, yanking her playfully to him before kissing her soundly.
“Ewww…” both Neal and Jefferson teased.
 The evening wound up turning into a party, everyone surprised and delighted to see Gold walking so straight and easily, unaided. He’d even let Belle talk him into wearing his loosest fitting trousers so that he could obligingly pull up the pant leg when Victor and David inevitably asked him to.
Gold looked around the room, at Granny petting at Mary Margaret’s growing belly while Emma and Neal speculated on the baby’s gender and name. At David, Victor, Archie, and Maurice deep in a game of darts (with the dartboard David and Mary Margaret brought as a gift,) and at Jefferson and Ruby snuggling in a corner. “Everyone we care about most is here,” he commented.
“Mhmm,” Belle said drowsily, leaning on his shoulder as they sat on the couch.
“And there’s something I can do now, that I couldn’t do before.”
“What’s that?” she asked, sitting up to look at him.
Gold stood up, still marveling at how easy it was, only to kneel down on one knee before her.
All trace of sleepiness gone, Belle sat up straight, eyes wide.
“Belle,” he began quietly and nervously. “I’ve forgotten what life was like before you walked into mine just a few short months ago, when I saw you standing there with a flower painted on your cheek. I…I feel like I owe you so much and I…well, all I can do to pay you back for everything you’ve given me is to just love you and spend every day for the rest of my life making you happy. I’d like to do that…if you’ll have me.”
By this point, everyone was taking notice to what was going on. Mary Margaret grabbed the back of David’s shirt roughly to turn him around, and Ruby swatted excitedly at Jefferson even though he’d been watching from the start. Maurice smiled knowingly, as Gold had done the proper thing by his standards, and asked for his blessing weeks before.
Gold reached into his jacket pocket and brought out a small velvet box, opening it with shaking hands to reveal the ring Belle had been eyeballing in his shop for ages. A gold band, with a modestly-sized diamond surrounded by small sapphires. Simple, yet beautiful.
Belle’s hand was already sticking out before Gold even said the words, and he chuckled, taking the ring out of the box to slip it onto her hand. “Will you marry me?” he asked.
The moment the ring was slid into place, Belle was launching herself off the couch and quite literally tackling him to the floor. A risk she probably wouldn’t have taken with his old leg. But he only flopped onto his back, holding her tightly, and laughing with joy. “You haven’t given me your answer!”
“Yes!” she exclaimed. “Yes, of course!”
She threaded her fingers into his hair and pulled his head up to meet hers, kissing him deeply and thoroughly.
Maurice cleared his throat uncomfortably, but the couple didn’t come up for air.
“They may be like that for a while,” Jefferson said. “Granny, didn’t you mention earlier that there was cake in the kitchen?”
“Sure is,” Granny said. “Come on, everyone.”
They all filed out of the living room, leaving the oblivious pair to their amorous celebration.
“I’m so happy!” Belle exclaimed, laughing. “When should we get married?! Before the trip?!”
Gold chuckled, sitting up but keeping her close. “That’s awfully soon, sweetheart. We leave in two weeks.”
Though he had refused Midas’s admittedly tempting offers, Gold had decided that he did truly enjoy performing, and it was no secret that the rest of Company B did as well. So, with the help of Belle and Emma, they organized and planned a little tour of their own, playing in festivals and small venues. Emma insisted that as word spread, more and bigger venues would be asking them to come, but for now they were just going to take a road trip around the East coast. The first show was actually set in Tallahassee, Florida. Emma and Neal had taken a trip there together a month prior, and Emma had returned with a show venue and a ring of her very own. Gold looked forward, not only to the show, but to getting to see Belle in a bikini.
Because of course, Belle was coming. She was both a singer and co-manager after all, and she’d always longed to travel. Ruby and Mary Margaret were staying at home, Ruby because of her work with her Granny, and Mary Margaret because she was only a couple short months away from giving birth. For his part, David would only be able to participate in part of the tour, as he didn’t want to use all of his time off when he needed to save some for the birth of his new son or daughter.
“I know it’s soon,” Belle said, kissing him again. “But I just can’t wait to be married to you! I need to be able to tell all of those groupies that, hey, that’s my HUSBAND! Hands off!”
“I quite like the sound of that,” Gold said. “And I must say, I’m also rather fond of your possessiveness.”
Belle giggled, before a sheepish look crossed her features and she bit her lip. “But also…it might be…good to go ahead and get married.”
Gold furrowed his brows “Belle?”
“I was going to tell you tonight after everyone left, I only just found out! I…well…we’re going to have ourselves a second-generation musician soon.”
Gold was silent for a long beat before the wires in his brain finally connected. “Are…are you saying what…I think you’re saying?!”
“We’re having a baby, Adam.”
Gold stammered in shock. “Are you…how?!”
Belle laughed. “What do you mean, how?!”
“I mean…we were so careful…except…oh.”
“Yes, oh. It would seem that one time was all it took. I know this isn’t exactly a good time, what with the tour and not even being married just yet…I’m three months along so it’s not like anyone won’t know. But I love it already and…are you happy, Adam?”
In response, Gold hauled her against him and kissed her soundly. “Happy?” he said, pulling back with tears in his eyes. “Belle, you just told me you would marry me and are having my child all at once. I’ve never been happier in my life!”
“Did I just hear what I think I heard?” Neal said, he and Jefferson peeking back into the room. “Am I gonna be a big brother?”
Gold laughed. “Damned eavesdroppers! Yes, you are.”
Everyone came piling back into the living room then, offering up a whole new set of congratulations. Maurice was surprisingly relaxed, seeming not terribly perturbed that his daughter had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, only thrilled at the prospect of being a grandpa.
“This is wonderful!” Mary Margaret gushed. “Our babies can grow up together!”
“Um…I don’t know if this is a good time…” Emma said, her and Neal looking at one another nervously. “Not trying to steal your thunder or anything, Belle, but since everyone is so baby happy right now…”
“Oh God,” David moaned. “Don’t tell me…”
Neal looked right at Gold. “How do you feel about a new baby, and a new grandbaby?”
Both Gold and David had to sit down then, while Belle threw her arms around first Emma’s neck, then Neal’s. Mary Margaret took a deep breath but hugged her daughter tight.
“This is the greatest day of MY LIFE!” Jefferson yelled. “I’m going to be the best all-around uncle in the world! Ruby, you don’t have anything to say, do you?!”
Ruby blanched. “NO! And don’t get any ideas, mister!”
“I think this calls for wine,” Granny declared, leading the way once again to the kitchen.
“Well,” David said before standing up and looking down at Gold. “At least I know she’s joining a hell of a family.”
Gold gave him a smile. “Likewise for Neal.”
He opened his arms for Belle to curl up in his lap. “It’s going to be so much fun with so many babies running around!” she enthused.
He chuckled. “So it will be. Before that, though, I can’t wait to spoil my pregnant wife absolutely rotten.”
“You already spoil me rotten. Must be practice for how you’ll spoil this little one.”
But what Gold had meant was he couldn’t wait to care for her the way she always did with him and his leg. And yes, he knew that one day soon he would be helpless but to dote upon his child, a child he would get to raise and love and never let go. And a grandchild he would get to do the same for. And, also, one other he had already been anticipating becoming the favorite uncle to.
“I’ve found my HEN,” he said, holding back a smirk.
“Excuse me? Did you just call me a hen?”
“No,” he chuckled. “Happy Ending Now.”
Belle groaned and rolled her eyes, getting a small handful of hair and threatening to pull.
“Go ahead,” Gold challenged her. “Pull my hair, Belle.”
Belle did, and she kissed him hard, and he hoped everyone else would go home soon so he could celebrate properly with his fiancé.
“I love you, Adam Gold.”
“And I love you, soon-to-be Belle Gold.”
 The End
Note: I apologize for any mistakes in the accuracy of the 1960′s, prosthesis, or anything else. :)
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endofadream · 8 years ago
Text
fear not the ghosts
~4,500k
warnings for: depression, mentions of suicide/suicidal ideation, mentions of medication
“Couldn’t sleep.” Bucky’s voice is thick. When Steve turns he sees, in the dim light, that Bucky’s eyes are shining. His cheeks are damp. His next words are impossibly small: “I, um. I’m havin’ a real bad night, Stevie. Please don’t make me be alone.”
Dawn hasn't filtered in through the room yet when Steve is woken by a hand shaking his shoulder. Immediately he’s alert, sitting up and breathing hard, trained still from his years of service and even longer years of serving the Avengers. It’s an unshakable habit, this instinct, this fight-or-flight, and he doesn't relax until a small voice says “It’s just me.”
Steve lets his shoulders relax incrementally first, then lets his heart slow. Right. It’s just Bucky, they’re okay. There isn’t a crisis. It’s the middle of the night in their brownstone in D.C. and there are no monsters or aliens to fight. He says, “Buck? Whassa matter?” a little muzzy still as he wipes his eyes with the heels of his palms.
“Couldn’t sleep.” Bucky’s voice is thick. When Steve turns he sees, in the dim light, that Bucky’s eyes are shining. His cheeks are damp. His next words are impossibly small: “I, um. I’m havin’ a real bad night, Stevie. Please don’t make me be alone.”
Growing up, depression was the state of the economy, not the state of someone’s mind. It’s been difficult adjusting to that, to the fact that shell-shock is just an inaccurate term for PTSD, that people’s brains can be imbalanced. Steve knows that he hasn't been unaffected by it, thanks to Sam’s gentle urging that Steve’s nightmares and lethargy were not normal, but Bucky. Bucky is another story. Most of the time a bad night for him is a lot more than a few flashbacks.
“Oh, baby,” Steve murmurs, stomach sick to think what it could be now. Bucky looks so small, curled up in the blankets with his shoulders tucked in. Almost like he’s trying to keep the world out. Steve turns and reaches for him, pulling him close and pressing kisses to the top of his head, his temple, his cheek, breathing in his sleep-smell. “Baby. I got you, it’s okay.”
Bucky sniffles, burying his face in the crook of Steve’s neck, both his arms wrapping around Steve’s waist. The metal one is warm but still a little jarring as the fingers and joints whir faintly.
“I just…” Bucky mumbles, pressing closer until he’s nearly on Steve’s lap, the comforter tangled around both their legs. Steve runs his hands up and down the broad span of Bucky’s back, over and over, saying nothing. Waiting. Sometimes it takes awhile for Bucky to sort through his thoughts and give voice to them. Sometimes there aren’t words at all, just Bucky’s trembling body and wet tears.
Bucky takes a low, shuddering breath and says, “I can’t stop thinking about ‘em.” He doesn’t clarify, doesn't need to. “And about—about everything. And I just wanna die, Steve. I don’t deserve to be alive after what I did. Why am I alive when they’re not? I took their lives away. I shouldn’t be able to have this.”
Steve shakes off the stab of fear at the easy way Bucky can wish himself dead. He’s got his boilerplate answers, things like it’s not your fault and you’ll be okay, but Steve hates them almost as much as Bucky does. They’re empty, impersonal. Things that anyone can say. Hell, they’re things the therapists and psychiatrists have encouraged him to say as Bucky adjusts to life after HYDRA. But Steve wouldn't be Steve if he didn't rebel just a little bit. No one knows Bucky Barnes like he does.
“I’m right here,” Steve says, carding his fingers through Bucky’s long hair. “Feel my heart, breathe with me.”
“Used’ta do this to you, when you were small,” Bucky mumbles.
Steve laughs softly. “Yeah, pal. All the time. ‘Specially in the summer when the damn air wasn’t circulating.”
“And especially after…” And here Bucky trails off, words diminishing. Lost in a memory, Steve thinks. Wonders if it’s a good one this time. Bucky’s nose brushes the curve of Steve’s neck, right where he’s especially sensitive, and Steve can’t fight back the shiver, the way his arms tighten around Bucky. Bucky presses closer, trailing his nose up with purpose this time, then down. On the next path up he follows it with the wet point of his tongue, and this time Steve groans. This is familiar. This, it isn't hard to guess what memory Bucky is reliving.
“Stevie,” Bucky says, hot and a little low. He adjusts himself so that he’s straddling Steve’s lap, arms around his neck. “Stevie, I need you. I need you, please.”
Steve slides his hands up into Bucky’s hair, biting his lip as he begins to stir in his briefs at the slow rock of Bucky’s hips. “Honey,” he murmurs, trying to keep his voice level. “Are you—oh—sure?” He’s overly cautious when Bucky dips to a low point, but he would never forgive himself if they did something that Bucky would regret.
Bucky nods. “Yeah. I just. Help me forget, okay?”
He clutches to Steve the way that Steve remembers—with a pang—he used to do to Bucky when the pain and sickness became too much. That desperate grab for human contact, for anything.
“I’m gonna make you feel so much better, little angel,” Steve says into Bucky’s hair. He begins to run his hands along Bucky’s sides, curving around his hips before sliding back up. Feeling him up, getting him used to touches that go far beyond casual. “You okay with that, Buck?”
Through a tiny groan, Bucky replies, “Yeah.”
“What do you need?”
A few moments pass in silence, Bucky huffing in frustration as he says, “I don’t—I want—fuck,” he spits. Steve quiets him with a kiss and a gentle hush. He knows what Bucky wants, but the therapist is having Bucky work on verbalizing them; so far it’s been difficult, and most days are a step back rather than forward. But Steve’s always been soft on Bucky anyway. Buck used to say that Steve had the doe eyes, but Steve still swears he’s wrong, ‘cause there’s not a lot Steve won’t do when Bucky looks at him just right.
He thumbs at the waistband of Bucky’s underwear, deciding to give Bucky a pass tonight. He eases the elastic away from Bucky’s skin, feeling the indentations left. “Want me to fuck you, hmm?” he purrs. “Slide my hard cock in you and fill you up ’til you can’t think of nothin’ else?” His hand slides below, palming the curve of Bucky’s ass, then slipping between the warm divide of his cheeks. Bucky’s hips jerk forward at the first press of Steve’s fingers against his hole. Steve hums as he taps it, feels the wrinkled muscle twitch and go lax enough for him to work just the barest tip of his index finger in. He presses his nose to the curve of Bucky’s neck and groans, “Jesus, babe. Got me all ready to blow just from this.”
“Stevie,” Bucky whines, fingers tangled in Steve’s hair to direct him into a slick, lazy kiss, his tongue brushing against Steve’s, teeth sinking into his lower lip. When he rolls his hips forward there’s no answering hardness. Steve kisses Bucky gently back, broad sweeps of his tongue that make Bucky mewl, and gently turns him, rolling Bucky onto his back. Immediately Bucky is tugging Steve down to seal their mouths together when Steve’s hand slides down Bucky’s flat, quivering belly.
Bucky is still soft when Steve eases his fingers beneath the waistband of his boxers, and Steve takes a minute to cherish it, stroking his fingers along the silky skin of Bucky’s limp cock, the impossibly soft skin of his sac. This is, arguably, better than reaching in and finding Bucky wet and straining with his balls already drawn up tight.
It’s more intimate this way, being able hear every hitch of Bucky’s breath, every whimper; being able to feel him grow stiff, filling and elongating in his hand. Every involuntary movement, every inevitable bodily reaction. Steve’s always been the type of guy to love foreplay as much as the actual act itself, though Bucky’s impatience usually puts a stop to it pretty quick.
It isn’t an easy task anymore, largely due in part to Bucky’s medicine, but Steve is tenacious and patient. Beneath him Bucky is squirming, inhales catching, eyes squeezed shut on what could be pleasure or pain. Steve moves his hand lower to rub his knuckles over Bucky’s perineum, asking, “You okay, sweet thing?”
Bucky swallows first, throat bobbing as he runs his tongue over his lips. “Yeah,” he replies, a little hoarse, “yeah, I’m good. S'just a lot. It’s okay.”
“You’re sure?”
Bucky’s cheeks are tinged pink; he nods, opening his eyes and looking up at Steve. It nearly takes his breath away, the raw trust there. “I am,” Bucky says, lifting his flesh hand up to stroke down Steve’s cheek. “You know it just takes me awhile. Sometimes.” His flush deepens.
“Hey.” Steve bends, brushing his nose over Bucky’s, hand working over his cock slowly, steadily, trying to coax the blood to flow and pool. “I don’t mind it. You know that. I love it, in fact.”
The laugh Bucky gives in return is hollow. In the dim, distant light of the city illuminating their room Steve can see the angry tinge to Bucky’s cheeks. The tone in the room quickly shifts. “You love that your fella can’t get it up ‘cause he’s on three different kinds of medicine to keep him from killing himself and everyone around him?”
“No,” Steve says firmly, refusing to rise to the bait. “I love my fella ‘cause that’s exactly it: he’s my fella. My boyfriend, my lover." Steve feels his own breath taken away by those words. Wasn't a time too long ago that they were hiding because their type of love was illegal. And giving it a title like that? Forget it. Steve has to swallow back the swell of emotion to continue. "You're my damn partner in and off the field. No one else’s. You think I’m the type of guy to drop the love of his life just ‘cause gettin’ his dick hard ain’t as easy as it used to be?”
Bucky inhales deeply. “Steve—”
“I said the end of the line,” replies Steve, stubbornness an unrepentant fire inside him. He slides his hand out of Bucky’s underwear and rests it on the bed. “And the end of the line certainly ain’t over a little bedroom trouble.”
The fissures in Bucky’s face begin first as little quakes, the faint and mostly harmless brushing of tectonic plates against each other. As Steve twines his hand with Bucky’s right the ground opens up and Bucky is sobbing, pulling Steve down to him and burying his face in the crook of Steve’s neck.
“I got you,” Steve murmurs, smoothing back Bucky’s hair. The tears are warm against Steve's skin but cool quickly. “Shh, baby. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“I hate this,” sobs Bucky, wet and muffled. “I hate you.”
“I know,” Steve says, kissing the top of Bucky’s head, clutching onto him tight. “I know you do, Buck. That's why I'm here.”
Bucky doesn’t grab onto Steve with his metal hand. He keeps it down at his side, fingers grabbing a handful of sheets. Slowly, carefully, Steve takes it by the metal wrist, directing it up and under his arm to join Bucky’s flesh hand where it clutches onto his shoulder blade. At first Bucky stiffens, hiccuping; then he relaxes, tugging Steve even closer.
“You’re not gonna hurt me.” Steve props his weight up on one forearm, pulling back enough to wipe at the tears on Bucky’s cheeks with his other hand. “Just hold onto me. Ain’t gonna let you go, not ever again.”
Bucky tugs Steve down and kisses him like the world will end if he doesn’t. It might: Steve doesn’t think he could handle the modern world without Bucky now that he’s back in it.
“Please,” Bucky says, their lips brushing together as he speaks.
“Okay if I take your shorts off?” Steve asks, searching Bucky’s face. It takes a moment, Bucky hesitating and eyes downcast, before he finally nods. He draws his lower lip between his teeth when he lifts his hips for Steve to tug his underwear past the curve of his ass. There’s so much that Steve wants to say. More than the moment has time for, more than he has the words for. Things like how beautiful Bucky looks, nude and reposed in their bed, the sheets a mess underneath him. How it doesn’t matter if he’s hard or not, because that isn’t what Steve is looking at: he’s looking at the shy flush on the tops of Bucky’s cheeks and the flutter of his lashes. How his knees are bent in towards each other, almost like he wants to cover himself but hasn’t. How nothing, not time, not a metal arm, not a body built for murder, could change that moony look in Bucky’s eyes.
“There you are,” Steve murmurs, gently easing Bucky’s legs apart to crawl in between them. “Mother of God, Buck. Every time I think you can’t get any more beautiful.” He starts with his fingertips on Bucky’s ankle, feeling out the strong tendons, the jutting bone. Slides it up, over hard muscle and scratchy-soft hair. Up, up, skin pimpled beneath him, impossibly soft. The sharp curve of a hip, the soft patch of dark, dense pubic hair, wiry coils slipping between Steve’s fingers. Beneath him Bucky sucks in a breath and holds it.
“Relax for me.” The breath is let out in a shuddering gust.  Steve twists and reaches into the nightstand for the lube, sliding the hand already on Bucky’s belly to his hip. “Don’t worry about anything. I got you. I’m gonna take care of you.” He finds the switch on the bedside lamp. “Is it okay if I turn on the light?”
Bucky nods. The cap pops on the lube. The light clicks on and suddenly the room is awash in a soft yellow glow. It highlights all the shadows on Bucky’s body, and there are a lot lately, dips between ribs that weren’t there during the war, puckers of scar tissue and marks from things that Steve doesn’t want to think about.
So he studies Bucky, appraising with an artist’s eye. This is a body—a man—he’s sketched countless times over their lives. It shows the mileage, but it’s never changed; that spot on Bucky’s belly never fails to get him shivering, and biting at the apex of his thigh almost always gets him to go off like a rocket if he’s close. Steve’s point is, though they’re older and a lot worse for wear there isn’t much difference between two scrappy Brooklyn boys who joined the war and the two haunted men who live here now.
Nudging Bucky’s legs a little more open, Steve slicks his fingers, then grips Bucky’s chin with his clean hand. “Hey,” says Steve, quiet, feels his breath punched out of him when Bucky’s gray eyes lock on him. They’re like time in a bottle, Steve swears. He clears his throat and says, “You feel uncomfortable, or overwhelmed, you tell me to stop. Got it?” Bucky nods and Steve kisses him, fingers still on Bucky’s chin, thumbing the dimple before pulling back.
Normally Steve would spend time working Bucky up to it, teasing until Bucky is begging and swearing. But Bucky is glass one crack away from shattering, every muscle tensed even as Steve rubs his hole with a slick finger and begins to press in. Against his thigh Bucky’s cock is still limp. His lower lip is caught between his teeth, turning white with the pressure.
“Focus on me,” Steve says, because he knows what Bucky is concentrating on. He slides his finger in to the last knuckle, swivels and curls it, and eases it back out before repeating. Bucky squirms, breathes “oh” in a surprised way that reminds Steve of the days before, when they were just two young kids fooling around on a single bed in a crappy apartment.
Bucky looks up. “Steve,” he says, a little strained.
“Just you and me, pal.” Steve slides his finger in, out. In, out. The sucking pull of muscle, the way Bucky quivers every time. Steve is aching in his shorts, the soaked fabric dragging over the swollen head of his cock. “No one but me and my gorgeous fella.”
Breathing out shakily, Bucky drops his head to the pillow and groans, “Christ.”
“You’re tellin’ me,” Steve says, covering his index finger with his middle and easing them in. Jesus, Bucky’s tight. He keeps clenching, pushing Steve’s fingers out before dragging them back in. Steve doesn’t miss how Bucky looks hungrily down at it. “Second coming of Christ right in front of me. Lookin’ like sin I’d follow to hell and back.”
“Now you’re just—oh, god—runnin’ your dumb trap.” Bucky turns his head and buries his face in the crook of his flesh arm. His breathing is picking up, growing slightly shallower as he adjusts to the stretch, goes soft and yielding around Steve’s fingers. Steve’s gotta squeeze the base of his dick as Bucky’s hips begin to rise instinctively towards the rolling pressure inside him, otherwise he’ll shoot off right here and now.
Steve bends and coxes Bucky into a soft, warm kiss. “Didn’t hear you complaining before,” he teases, rubbing his knuckle over Bucky’s perineum and getting a low, wounded whine out of it. “Thought you liked me using my mouth.”
At this Bucky’s dick gives a half-hearted twitch, though it makes no real attempt to rise. Steve counts it as a victory anyway, grinning and pausing to slick up again before sliding in three fingers. Bucky sucks in a sharp breath, eyes squeezing shut, and Steve kisses his metal shoulder, murmurs, “Shh, shh, you’re doing great, babydoll. So great.”
“Steve,” says Bucky. Then again, “Steve,” like it’s all he knows how to say. He’s looking up with his eyes all wide, all blown-black blue. They’re a little glossy, tears pooling at his waterline; when he blinks one spills down his temple, disappearing into the spread of his brown hair on the pillow.
Steve strokes his fingers over that spot inside and Bucky gasps, back arching up off the bed. Again, his cock twitches but doesn’t begin to chub up. Steve scoots back and rubs his thumb over the stretch of Bucky’s hole, feels how it gives, goes a little looser like it’ll take his thumb in, too.
“You ready, baby?” Steve slides out at Bucky’s nod and startles a little when Bucky sits up enough to grab his wrist.
“Don’t get a rubber,” he quietly says.
Steve swallows hard. They’d only ever done it bare a couple times before and loved it, but didn't love the mess. It’s the first time since Bucky’s been back that he’s asked for it. Suddenly Steve’s throat closes up and he has to take a couple deep breaths before he can say, “I won’t, Buck. Whatever you need, okay?”
Bucky’s eyes are still huge and glossy and trusting as Steve slicks himself up, tugging his shorts off and throwing them somewhere off the side of the bed. Bucky spreads his legs before Steve can ask, tops of his cheeks still flushed as he hides his face in the crook of his flesh arm again.
Steve grips Bucky’s thighs, stroking their soft insides. “If you need me to stop, tell me. Promise?”
A nod.
Steadying his cock with one hand Steve lines up and begins pressing in, feeling gut-punched at the first hint of a squeeze around the head of his cock. Bucky tenses at first, body going rigid, and as Steve’s about to ask he finally relaxes, exhaling softly.
“Oh,” Steve breathes, trembling all over as he watches himself sink into Bucky’s body. “Oh, god, baby. Baby, fuck, look at you. Best goddamn thing I ever laid my eyes on, you know that?” He drops one arm to the bed and urges Bucky to wrap his legs around his hips. Bucky lets out a little noise and does, hands moving to grip at the sheets. He's begun rocking his hips, urging Steve in deeper, and Steve wonders if it’s unconscious or not.
When Steve bottoms out Bucky lets out an actual hoarse moan, dragging the sheets in towards his hip. Pressing their foreheads together Steve pants into the humid space between them. “You feel so good, Buck. So fuckin’ good, so tight and hot and wet around me. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. How could you ever think I wouldn’t want you? That I wouldn't want this?” He kisses Bucky deep and ravaging, nipping at his lower lip as Bucky moans again, shuddering. Reaches between them, wraps a palm around Bucky’s cock and feels it twitch again, finally firming up in his grip. “Oh, yeah. There you go, beautiful. There’s that  You’re the best goddamn thing to ever happen to me. You’re so gorgeous, baby. Prettiest fella I ever laid my eyes on. Only one I ever wanted.”
“Steve,” Bucky whines, voice thick. His flesh hand finally untangles from the sheets and tangles in Steve’s hair instead. His mouth is open, pink tongue wetting his lips when he pants. Back and forth his eyes dart across Steve's face.
Steve starts moving in slow, shallow thrusts that draw tiny mewling whines from Bucky. He works Bucky’s cock at the same pace though it doesn’t grow much harder, peppers each thrust with gentle encouragement before letting go to prop himself up with both hands. Bucky’s eyes grow wet again, shining in the low lamplight. He doesn’t look away from Steve, keeps their eyes locked when Steve’s thrusts grow harder, faster.
“Focus on me,” breathes Steve, unnecessary. Bodies undulating, the faint creak of springs is the only noise besides their labored breathing. It’s raw, more intimate than any sexual encounter Steve has ever had before. With one hand he cups Bucky’s jaw, sliding it back to thread his fingers through Bucky’s hair. Bucky’s heels on his lower back urge him down until he’s on his elbows and Bucky’s semi-hard cock is rubbing against his stomach. With this angle his thrusts grow deeper, dragging over that spot inside Bucky that still, even now, makes him moan.
“Stevie,” Bucky says, metal arm finally going around the back of Steve’s neck. His body quakes as he begins to cry again, flesh fingers twining more tightly into Steve’s hair.
Steve buries his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck and fucks forward hard once, twice. “I love you,” he groans, biting at the curve of Bucky’s shoulder. “Christ, I love you so fucking much. Don’t know what I’d do without you.”
He’s close, the warmth building in his belly. Bucky’s clutching at the back of Steve’s neck now, chest shaking with his hitching breaths. Steve struggles back up, kissing the salt from Bucky’s lips. They part just enough to breathe, just enough to remain in their own world. Steve remembers the first time they ever got further than fingers and it felt a lot like this.
Steve thrusts forward, their skin smacking mutedly together, and groans, “I’m gonna come, oh god—”
“On me,” Bucky urges, voice wet. “Come on me.”
Steve pulls out, stripping his cock a handful of times before he doubles over with a gasping moan. The liquid heat rushes up, expands, whites him out in a rush of pleasure as he spills over his fingers and onto Bucky’s belly and half-hard cock, his entire body shaking with it long after his cock has finished drooling come. As higher thought is still coalescing Bucky pulls him down and kisses at his neck, his shoulders, running palms both metal and skin over Steve’s broad, slick chest.
Before Steve has opened his eyes Bucky says, “I don’t think I can tonight.” When Steve looks down he sees that Bucky’s already flagged. The come wet and slick on it makes it look like he has anyway, and his smile is tight and a little rueful.
“Oh, Buck,” Steve starts, but Bucky shakes his head, rubbing the heel of his flesh palm over his damp eyes.
“I don’t care,” Bucky says. Steve knows that’s mostly a lie.
For a few long moments it’s quiet; then Bucky is saying, “Tonight was the first time in awhile that I really wanted to kill myself. Like…just go into the bathroom or something, lock the door and slit my wrist. I tried it once, back before they froze me for the first time. It hurts, but it ain’t the worst hurt I ever experienced.”
A slither of fear and dread crawls up into Steve’s heart, freezing it. Bucky looks down at the come drying on his belly. “And I almost did it again tonight. I laid there for a few hours, debating. Thinking, what do I got to lose? I’m nothing.”
Steve keeps his mouth shut, but it isn't easy. His throat is cramping from the lump wedged deep in there. Bucky goes through cycles, so it isn't anything new. But Steve can’t stop remembering how Bucky was when he first got here, how he’d hurt himself with anything he could get his hands on. The way he’d scream during nightmares or when they pried a knife away from him. They’re experiences that won’t ever go away, no matter how much Steve wants them to.
“And then,” Bucky says, looking up through red-tinged eyes, “I remembered that I had you. That you were sleeping next to me. And you loved me as much as I love you. As soon as you opened your eyes I knew I’d be okay, at least for now. ‘Cause even when we had nothin’—”
“—I had you,” Steve finishes, voice cracking. He’d said the same thing about Bucky once before. Bucky gives him a crooked smile, one of those ones that used to make Steve weak at the knees—and still does, honestly. That smile chases away the ghosts and lines and haunted shadows and makes Bucky look like he stepped straight out of 1944.
“Yeah, Stevie,” says Bucky. “I can’t leave your punk ass behind again because you’ll probably go and try to enlist for another war.”
Steve laughs, a guffaw that surprises him. One tear slides down his face and then he’s pulling Bucky towards him, framing his face and kissing him. They part with a wet noise and breathe together. Just them against the world, it feels like.
Rubbing his nose against Steve’s, Bucky whispers, “I love you. Jesus, I didn’t know a person was capable of loving someone this much.”
“Me too, Buck.” Steve squeezes him tighter. Fast-forwards to morning, when he’ll fix breakfast and Bucky will make coffee. Both only in their underwear, Steve’s heart humming with the simple domesticity of it all, and it’ll happen, Steve will finally ask—
But for now. Now, Steve gets a warm, damp washcloth and wipes down Bucky’s belly. Kisses his cheekbones where the last of the tears remain; then his lips, because Bucky pouts so adorably. They get under the covers again, curled around each other, and Steve’s grateful for Bucky’s warm breath, the steady beat of his heart, the hand dropped low on Steve’s waist.
He doesn’t drift off until long after Bucky’s breath has evened out.
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gigglesandshitscove · 8 years ago
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A Court of Wings and Ruin spoilers!!!
I know it’s only a day after its release, but HUDDLE UP AND BREAK OUT THE HOT WATER Y’ALL, IT’S TEA TIME!
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From what I’ve seen so far, a lot (like an unhealthy amount) of people were complaining about either
 A. lack of shippable moments going on with characters
B. too much of said shipping 
C. a Deathly Hallows ending where everybody lived and it’s all Gucci
For the lack of shippable moments comment, it was chalk full of them. The moment home girl gets back to Velaris it’s a fucking ship yard, SHIPS. EVERY. WHERE. New and old. It’s literally fair game for anyone and everyone. Argument invalid. Next!
Too much shipping? meh, i can see it a little with Nesta and Cassian but literally that’s the extent of the excessive “screen time” given to potential ship building. I think it’s a good blend of not too much that it feels like fan service but just enough that it leaves room for more ships to form. some that maybe a few of us never thought to create. *cough* Amren and Varian
And for the last complaint, uhhhhhhh, need I remind you that the original and best Feysand shipper out here, the Paul Revere of tea spreading and the number one “always looking out for the homie Feyre” gangster in the hood of Prythian took that long dirt nap while helping Feyre and STAYED EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA GET AXED. So the “deathly hallows ending” argument is kinda invalid (I say kinda, but don’t worry I’ll get back to that later). Matter of fact, we need to pour one out for the realest cat in the neighborhood, the Suriel. Seriously this took me by surprise, *in Kevin Hart’s voice* NOOOOOO I wasn’t ready!!! To be honest, for me that was the biggest shock and saddest moment in the book.
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Rest in Fictional Paradise, Fam. You earned it.
Now back to the Tea, can we talk about what happened during this book?!? Wait, we need a recap:
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Tamlin’s a bitch, Ianthe’s a hoe and nobody (but Rhysand and his Court of Dreams) help Feyre with her PTSD, so she chucks up the deuces after Tamlin literally locks her up in the manor after she LITERALLY just told him that it fucks with her mental to locked in places. Feyre pops a squat with Rhys and his crew and they become friends along with his top notch crew of day one loyal gangsters: his scary Second in Command Armen, his Third in Command and sassy cousin Morrigan, General of his armies and absolute life of the party Cassain and, his spymaster and huggable emo (and this world’s a equivalent of Nico de Angelo) Azriel. Later we find out that Feyre and Rhysand are mates and that the King of Hybern wants to axe off everybody (specifically humans and the fae that support human rights) with the magical object of Pryhian’s birth/origin, the Caldron, because...he’s a dick what else is there to say. After watching Satan (the King of Hybern) torture and forcibly turn her sisters fae, shot Azriel AND shred Cassain’s wings while trying to nullify the Caldron, Feyre sacrifices herself to that bitch ass cry baby Tamlin and pretended to hate her boo and their court. Yes, their court, because *drum roll please* SHE’S HIGH LADY OF THE NIGHT COURT BITCHES! 
AND THAT’S WHAT YOU MISSED ON GLEE! (is that too old now, does anyone still get that reference?)
Anywayyyyy......I’m not going to talk about the whole book but just the parts that had me like:
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Buckle up, buttercups because there was a lot of OMFG moments               (and yes we’re going in chronological order) TRIGGER WARNING: rape
1. uhhh, Ianthe is a fucking rapist. We all know it was sprinkled a bit in ACOMAF    but tbh none of us were totally concerned then. Rhys could literally (and slightly did) go Darth Vader on her “no means yes” ass and choke the life out of her. But it isn’t until Feyre finds her trying to fuck Lucien (with chained up against his will) that she unleashes her fucking power and forces her to mutilate her own hand with a rock. it was deeply satisfying for a number of reasons but namely that this bitch needs to learn how to keep her fucking hands to herself and learn that no means no. comeuppance check!
2. Cassain’s wings are Gucci and Az is fine (let’s be real here for a second, that’s all we really cared/was worried about)
3. Nesta is tied to the Caldron and can use it’s power and sense when it’s about to be used. Elain is a freaking Seer and gives the future through literal and cryptic sentences. Like PJ AND HoO Oracle style. 
4. Remember how The Bone Craver appeared to Feyre as a young boy with striking blue eyes in ACOMAF? Guess who that is...DING DING DING thats right, he appears to her as her’s and Rhys’s first born son (WHICH MEANS THEY GONNA LIVE/SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE A BABY!)
5. Mother fucking Chapter 43-45, we didn’t get “the Wall Sexy Time” like some of y’all wanted but by Heavenly Jesus, the DRAMA that goes down will have you like: 
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I don’t dare spoil for you guys what is said and done, but if you ever wondered what would happen with ALL of the high lords in one room AFTER Feyre leaves Tamlin/Spring Court (again) and goes back to Rhys...Sarah J. Maas did not disappoint. I don’t think even the Suriel himself could’ve forseen the hilarity and jaw dropping insult ping pong match of insanity that transpired. 
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6. In the case of Lucien Vanserra of the Autumn Court; Helion, High Lord of the Day Court..YOU ARE THE FATHER 
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YEP! LUCIEN (aka Elain’s mate) IS THE SOLE HEIR TO THE DAY COURT AND ONLY HIS MAMA (and now Feyre and Rhys) KNOW!
7. The loyalest and sassiest character, enough to rival Amern and Mor, literally takes a bullet to get info to Feyre. RIP Suriel
8. We finally find out why Mor doesn’t sleep with Az. Not gonna spoil that either.
9. Nesta and Cassain are totally a thing; home girl straight up cries his name on the battlefield to try and protect him from getting hit but the Caldron and fights the King of Hybern when he snaps Cassian’s wings BUT......
10. it’s ELAIN who gets the drop on the King and stabs this fool in the back of his neck and NESTA (with the knife still in his throat) twists it around to slowly decapitate him 
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11. Rhysand dies. 
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i mean don’t get me wrong i WAS shocked. but yea, he dies......but he comes back to life the same exact way Feyre does and it’s not even that long of a wait (maybe 10-15 minutes max in book time). it wasn’t as fulfilling of an Ex Machina like the first book and it did slightly border line Deathly Hallows happy ending all around but the previous moments (and plus some that I didn’t even mention) outweighed the sappy ending with jaw dropping awesomeness, kick ass badassery and some tear jerking sincere dialogues from the main characters. So i’ll ignore it and let it slide. 
Over all I was happy af with this book and was pleasantly surprised/shocked by some of the *oh shit* moments. Especially the end, I hadn’t thought that it was going to be a happy ending (was mentally preparing for the worst) but it was ok because I have no doubt some new (and maybe old) shit will pop off in book 4!
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