#and they way they harassed a crush of theirs at another job of theirs and like constantly talked about it ….

[stonesandswords]

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[kateanthnys]

Dumb Dramione arguments and rebuttals because it’s about time we talked about it.

This is taken from @/hermione.s_butterbeer on Instagram and @hermiones-butterbeer over here on tumblr, who constructed the basis for this, I added my own thoughts with theirs. I haven’t learned how to put things under a cut yet so if you’re not interested in this and have to scroll past it I’m sorry :/

Hermione would forgive Draco

Hermione is not a forgiving person. She holds the toughest grudges. She will attack you with birds and stop talking to you for months for getting a girlfriend, she will keep you in a jar for writing incriminating shit about her, she will scar the hell out of you for betraying her. Let’s say she grew out of this in her adult years, it’s not a stretch right, she seems to regard malfoy with contempt in the epilogue? Barely a glance, but then again she never really gave him the time of day as a teenager either so who knows? Even then, as an adult, Draco doesn’t need her forgiveness. Hell he probably doesn’t even want it. Couldn’t care less about her. Nor does he even deserve it from her or any of the golden trio. He surely wouldn’t get it from me but I digress. He bullied her for years and was very openly and vehemently against people of her kind. And again, even if she did somehow forgive him, they would definitely not fall in love.

Hermione would change Draco

It’s definitely not her job to “change” Draco, he is a grown man, not a baby in diapers. Nor is it her job to fix a man that bullied and harassed her for years simply for having muggle blood. Anyway, didn’t Astoria already have that covered? She was a pure blood who changed her views about muggleborns. It was probably much easier for Draco to connect with her, someone who understands him on a level Hermione never would be able to, than the ones he hurt most.

If they were together they would break stereotypes

This one is the biggest laugh of them all. Not only are there multiple couples throughout the Harry Potter universe that breaks the stereotypes and normalcy of the wizarding world, these couples didn’t have to suffer each other’s company like Draco and Hermione would. Because to break them they’d have to have love, which was nil in their case. What’s the point If they don’t even like each other. Draco probably could’ve broken some stereotypes himself by not being a blood purist but once again I digress.

Ron didn’t deserve Hermione followed up by a Draco would’ve appreciated her yk the usual shit that don’t make sense

Love isn’t about who deserves who. Who is more deserving than who. How does one even come to the conclusion about who is more deserving than someone else? Money? Power? Blood status? Who cares about those things, Hermione sure doesn’t. Love is about love, and most important of all, choices. She fell in love, made a choice, acted on it and by god she never regretted it or looked back. And you won’t find any textual evidence saying otherwise (fck u Joanne). And if she did I doubt Draco would even factor into one of her choices.

Draco never made her cry, Ron did

Yes, Ron did. Multiple times. Taking away the fact that Hermione is an emotional person, is it really the end of the world if you once in a while make the person you love cry? Ron was her friend, a friend she had feelings for, she cared about him and his opinions, of course she’s gonna cry when shit hits the fan. Draco is another person on the street walking past her, she doesn’t dignify anything he does or says about her with a response. Now talk shit about Hagrid and get smacked tho. Anyway, my family has made me cry more than any random person or people at school have. Does that make them the worst possible people on the planet? Does that mean these random people love me more than my family? No, it does not.

Ron was dumb, Draco was her intellectual equal

This is one of the ones that’s probably fanmade. News flash fanon Draco isn’t canon. There’s no textual evidence to support that he was close in class with her or matches her wit. When Lucius made that comment in CoS, it didn’t mean Draco was RIGHT under Hermione. You can assume everyone was beneath her in marks, doesn’t make him second best. Oh but the vanishing cabinet, the one he had help with. But the mead and the necklace, once again not his ideas. But Legilimency. Yea he learned to blocked his mind. But Hermione didn’t? And we still know she’s the smartest in her year, certainly smarter than Draco? So really does it matter? Guess not. And on Ron’s intelligence. Books and academics aren’t the only forms of smarts either. If anything books will only take you so far, especially in the wizarding world. Back to Draco, who started failing potions as soon as Snape was gone. Favoritism? Not a stretch at all.

Hermione was worried about him and he warned her about the death eaters

Yea, but no? If you read the text with context you’d know she was worried about Hagrid’s job in 3rd year, fourth year, she was right, a teacher doing that to a student was dumb and he could’ve been harmed, and they could’ve lost another DADA teacher before the school year was even over, this is Hermione being logical, Not being caring. And when Ron made the “amazing bouncing ferret” comment, she laughed. Pretty broken up about it isn’t she?Caring is her reaction that same year to Neville and the cruciatus curse. 6th year, do I even have to explain this one? She was NOT DEFENDING HIM. She was being skeptical and reasonable, there’s a difference. She and Ron had every right to be iffy on the death eater thing, they were already proven wrong in 2nd year when they jumped to conclusions about Malfoy, they didn’t want a repeat of that. And the warning thing, my god, if you think that’s a warning, you need to work on how to identify a warning, it might help you later in life.

Jkr said she wanted to make them canon and date in third year and that Draco bullying her was hiding his crush

Source? And don’t say tumblr. Anyway atp what the author says doesn’t matter to most fans so your fighting a losing argument if you use this.

My last thoughts on this is that you will see that most of these points are about Draco. Well that’s because Dramione seems to be all about Draco. What Draco wants, what Draco needs, Draco’s forgiveness, Draco’s redemption. A relationship is a two-way street of equals, give and take, not Hermione giving and Draco taking. What exactly does Hermione get out of a relationship with Draco? Oh, an Intellectual equal, good to know she’ll have him to recite the periodic table to each other at bed time after she’s worked herself to death at work because thats what she wants and needs. Well, at least she’ll have her books to keep her warm. Every girl’s dream amiright. *sarcasm*

The End.

[incorrectbatfam]

What would being a high schooler in Gotham be like?

You wake up to the sound of a limo driving past your house, an old man taking a small Middle Eastern boy to school. You brush your teeth and put on your vintage Gotham Knights jersey in hopes of impressing your crush in math class. You make yourself a bowl of cereal as your parents and siblings rush to get ready for work and school. You refill the dog’s bowl and feed the fish before you leave.

As you wait at the bus stop, you casually kick aside a batarang that someone left behind. And you curse the bus for being late again because the city can fund a bat signal but can’t fix a couple damn potholes. When the bus does arrive, the seats are almost all filled, so you’re stuck with the cracked leather one that has old gum stuck to it. Again. You put on your headphones and listen to your favorite song as the Wayne Enterprises building passes by in a haze, like most things on an unremarkable Tuesday. You daydream of what it’d be like to run somewhere else—Metropolis, Central City, perhaps Khandaq. 

The bus jerks to a stop in front of your school and kids shove and shuffle to get out. The bus driver grumbles under his breath about hating his job. You don’t blame him. Some kid accidentally steps on the back of your heel as you enter Gotham High’s front doors. 

You put your things in your locker. Your best friend frantically asks you for homework answers. They couldn’t concentrate last night because Nightwing and Killer Croc were duking it out on their block. You hand your friend the worksheet; they’d do the same for you too. “Just give it back before fourth period,” you say.

Your eyes lock with your crush’s in class as neither of you two listened to your science teacher’s monotonous lecture on the molecular composition of fear gas. You wish your crush was your lab partner, but instead you’re stuck with this girl named Stephanie, who ditches you halfway through the lab to call her boyfriend in the bathroom.

You take a nap in second period, because who even cares about classic literature anyway? Plus, you missed out on valuable sleep last night when your kid sister came to your room after having another Joker nightmare. The teacher bangs a book on your desk to wake you up. You keep your head ducked down while your classmates laugh at you. One of your friends shoots you a sympathetic smile from behind his copy of Hamlet.

You get your homework back during lunch, along with an “I owe you one” from your bestie. You push your maggot-infested school lunch away as you and the three or four other people at your table engage in typical conversation. Though, you have to admit, things got rather heated when asked to choose between a date with Red Robin or Spoiler. You don’t notice Stephanie Brown overhearing and looking offended when you chose Red Robin.

Third period after lunch is interrupted by a villain emergency drill. The teachers boredly go over what to do in case of the Riddler, Penguin, etc. Half the kids aren’t paying attention. You find these Gothamite maniacs more of a nuisance than objects of fear—they’re making you miss time on your favorite class to go over procedures.

You suppose the drill earlier is a good thing, because an actual villain crashes your fourth period class. The procedure tells you to leave all bags behind and head to the predetermined safe location, but like hell are you leaving your $1,200 laptop and your favorite Harry Potter book. So you take your stuff to the safe place and wait it out. You can hear the Batman’s gruff interactions with whoever the clown of this week is. But the person you like is visibly shaking from fear. You don’t blame them; they moved here from Coast City under a month ago.

So you awkwardly scoot across the hard floor and lay a comforting hand over theirs. You can’t speak, for the bad guy might hear and find you. But you swipe the tears away from their cheek with your thumb and look them in the eye. It’s a silent reassurance. They give you a soft smile. And boy, do you get lost in every feature. The way their hair perfectly frames their face, and irises swirling with color and quirks like tiny freckles or scars. For a moment, you forget about the battle raging outside. 

The GCPD gives the all clear for people to come out. One wall off the school is missing, reduced to a pile of brick. Holes poke through the ceiling, letting that East Coast rain pour in. (The school district won’t be happy.) You notice you’re still holding your classmate’s hand. You awkwardly let go and blush nervously. Did the place suddenly get hot? And why are you so sweaty? You’re not even a hundred percent sure if you’re wearing deodorant. What if they find you gross and never want to see you again?

But your worries are quelled when they open up an umbrella and offer to share it with you. In the background, your friends give you encouraging smiles all around. You text your mom, telling her that you’re okay. Your dad leaves his job at the Gotham Gazette to pick you up. You and your crush trade numbers before you leave.

Your mom’s working late again on a Wayne Enterprises marketing project, so your dad whips up some chili to eat. When the rain lets up, you take your dog for a walk. Past Crime Alley, take a left at the graveyard, and stop by to say hi to your older brother working part-time at the arcade. It’s routine. Nothing spectacular. 

At dinner, your sister talks on and on about her day at Gotham Academy. Her eyes sparkle with pride when she talks about the baking soda volcano she made, but dulls when she talks about this Damian boy who called her a “simpleminded imbecile” for it. You’re rightfully ticked off. No one can harass your sister but you. You actively remind yourself that, no, you can’t throw hands with a ten-year-old. But that spark is back when she talks about this Jon kid a little too much. Again, you can’t throw hands with children.

As you brush your teeth that night, your phone goes off. You almost choke on your toothpaste when you check the text. Your crush asks if you wanna go for ice cream sometime this week. You respond with a “yes” almost too quickly. Immediately after, you text your friends in a group chat with messages in all caps. The conversation quickly devolves into memes.

Your brother knocks on the bathroom door and tells you to get out. You quickly finish and let him use it—anyone who smells like nacho cheese needs it more than you do. You alternate between homework and texting until it’s time for bed. You crawl under the covers and turn off the lights, ignoring what sounds like the Red Hood’s gunshots. You fall asleep with a small smile on your face as pleasant dreams dance through your head.

Vigilantes and villains be damned. You have better things to do with your life.

[raspberryfanfics]

Nejiten/Harry Potter Crossover

Positive Emotions—Also on ffn @raspberryfanfics 

“Inuzuka, give me one good reason I shouldn’t make you clean trophies for harassing Miss Yamanaka.”

Kiba rolled his eyes at the Hufflepuff prefect. “Tenten, she’s pretty much asking—”

“There are no rules in whether or not she decides to unbutton a few buttons or crop her shirt and hem her skirt, however, there are rules to sexual harassment.” she raised an eyebrow at him. Ino smirked and crossed her arms triumphantly. 

“Fine, but do I still have to go to detention?” he huffed, crossing his arms.

“I’ll let it slide. Next time you want someone’s attention, try giving her a box of chocolate frogs. It probably would work much better than jinxing her clothes.”

Two faces reddened and she sighed, walking away from the two sixth-years.

In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, She found herself becoming more and more like the kind of person she thought she’d never become. Back on her first day where she and Rock Lee sat in the train compartment and Neji Hyuuga strode into their compartment without asking, a prefect was bossing everyone around, giving some people hell. It used to be that she was the one making a little bit of trouble, stealing broom trimming materials from her Slytherin friends and attaching wings to the books of snobby Ravenclaws, yet now she was the one reprimanding others. If you told her that she would be a prefect and quidditch captain seven years ago, she would have spat out her pumpkin juice and laughed louder than a howler.

On the way to her next class, she stumbled upon her good friend and teammate, Lee. 

“I think we should push for a little extra training this week,” he said to her enthusiastically, gathering his books for their next class in his giant green messenger bag. “Our game against Gryffindor is coming up and we must show them Hufflepuff’s burning youth!”

“I’m sure we’ve already shown them.” she smiled, recalling how aggressive Lee could be and the way he would hit buldgers so fast that the other team would often spend most their time dodging rather than chasing. “Though I agree, it would be smart to push for a few more practices.”

Temari, formerly of Gryffindor, had been the keeper for their team for many years and with Naruto as Chaser, they made an incredible team. Since she had graduated last year from Hogwarts, Naruto was now captain, though she doubted they’d be as good. Hufflepuff’s defeat was humiliating and she was glad they had a chance to redeem themselves.

As she climbed into the north tower with a red bag strapped on her back, she took a seat beside the seventh-year Head Boy and Prefect, Neji Hyuga. His nose was buried in a Divination book, glasses perched on his sharp nose, posture immaculate. 

“Still obsessing of fate, Hyuga?” she teased. “Use your genius for other things.”

“I don’t recall asking for your opinion, Tenten.” he marked his book and turned around, a small hint of a smile on his lips. 

“No, I’m just exercising my freedom of speech.” she retorted, pulling out her wand and pointing it to her small bag, flicking it a couple of times. A textbook, quill, notebook, and a couple of fudge flies leaped out of her bag and landed onto the table. A few people stared, impressed that she was able to master non-verbal summoning so quickly.

Neji, however, was used to it. She had mastered the fourth-year summoning charm in her first year and non-verbal in the fifth year. Tenten held out the carton of fudge-flies, offering the Ravenclaw some sweets. He shook his head and turned back to his book.

The class died down a little as their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor strode in, wizard cap covering one eye, book in hand. As usual, Professor Kakashi Hatake was very late. 

“Sorry, class, a couple of house-elves needed help carrying some groceries—”

“Save it, professor!” cried a kid from the corner of the room. 

“House-elves don’t even need to carry anything,” she mumbled to Neji, “that was one of the lamest excuses yet.”

He shrugged and put away his book, replacing it with the one on their subject. 

“Today, we’ll be learning about the Patronus.” the professor started slowly. “I’m sure one of you has heard of it.”

Tenten rolled her eyes. Everyone has heard of the Patronus. Especially with the recent cases of the Akatsuki breaking out of Azkaban, dementors have been trailing in and out of Hogwarts, much to Headmaster Tsunade’s fury. 

As the teacher gave a short lecture, many of it a review, Tenten glanced at Neji, who was paying strict attention and taking notes though he probably didn’t need it. Suddenly, his hand stopped scribbling on his parchment and looked over to her, his white eyes locking with hers. She felt her cheeks go red and quickly darted her eyes away, focusing back onto Professor Hatake. 

“I’m going to let you get into threes so you can try and practice the Patronus,” he replied. “I do not expect any of you to be able to perform a spell that most witches and wizards cannot, though I would like to see if you can create the beginnings of one.

The Head Boy merely blinked, unlike Lee, who was quite worried. Her best friend and fellow beater wasn’t as magically gifted as other wizards. He wasn’t great at subjects that required a lot of spell casting such as Charms, Transfiguration, or DADA either. He made up for it by working exceptionally hard in Potions, Herbology, and his best subject, Care of Magical Creatures and being one of the best Quidditch players of the century. She could see why he wasn’t happy about learning such a spell, as hard work might not come easy for one so complex.

Neji on the other hand, was able to master practically all of them, scoring an Outstanding in all of his NEWTs except for Divination. Though having an obsession with fate and lacking any talent for it whatsoever, Defence Against the Dark Arts was his best subject. He was quick-thinking, skilled, and had a duelling style his extremely pure-blood wizarding family excelled in. The spell he always conjured up was the shield charm, yet he used it for offence rather than defence, knocking many people off their feet during it. 

The group of three took a spot in the large classroom and flipped through their books to get the instructions. 

Tenten attempted first, thinking of a positive memory, (the first time she summoned something), and waved her wand in a circle, and chanted the incantation. Unfortunately, nothing happened. She tried for another memory, and another, yet nothing seemed to produce any result. Finally, she relieved a more nostalgic memory and tried one more time and a very very faint wisp seemed to drip from her wand.

Neji tried next, closing his eyes for a brief moment, looking quite arrogant, and waved his wand. “Expecto Patronum,”

To all three’s surprise, he didn’t produce anything. Even with his other tries, he didn’t even manage to get as much of a wisp as Tenten did,  which was barely any. This only made Lee more nervous because if Neji and Tenten could perform a spell, could he?

They watched him intensely as he closed his eyes, standing there meditatively in a position they’d usually see Neji performing. A familiarly wide smile drew upon his lips and Tenten sighed. She thought he was going to take it seriously.

“EXPECTO PATRONUM!” he yelled, catching the attention of everyone in the room with his boisterous attitude. 

Where everyone was about to roll their eyes, what they didn’t expect was a bright flash of light and the beginning of a small shield. Tenten’s mouth hung agape and their professor strode over, seemingly unsurprised at Lee’s sudden success.

“Good job, Lee, I haven’t seen many people your age able to produce a spell that quickly. 20 points to Hufflepuff.”

His two companions couldn’t shake off their amazement, especially at the fact that for the rest of the day, his Patronus just seemed to get bigger while theirs didn’t do anything at all.

༻*༺

“Tenten, do you have a moment?”

She looked up at the familiar baritone voice and Neji Hyuga was standing before her, a grey sweater over the usual white button-up with his sapphire blue tie loosened around his neck. The candle on her library table illuminated his face with dancing patterns and made him appear almost angel-like. Her breath caught in her throat and she shook out the feeling of butterflies with a friendly smile.

Checking her watch, she noticed that it was already pretty late and she’d have to get back to her dorm soon. Thankfully she just finished up her transfiguration essay. 

“Only a moment,” she said softly. “I’ll have to hurry if I want to take a bath today.”

“But you don’t have any meeting or homework, I’m presuming?” he asked.

“Nope, I’m all yours,” she said, blushing at the way it came out.

They walked through the halls of the school, moonlight illuminating the way out of the library. She followed him, wondering where they were going as he led her up winding staircases and towards a bronze door, a bronze eagle at the handle. Tenten recognized it as the Eagle Door Knocker, that spoke of riddles to let you pass.

Neji delicately picked up the handle and tapped it three times, then released his hold. The beak opened and a low voice range out.

“At night they come without being fetched, by day they are lost without being stolen, if absent they are summoned by a receiver, crushed if one won’t be a believer.”

She blinked a couple of times, looking over to her companion as he thought steadily. 

“One’s dreams as the mind’s movement during sleep or the ambitions based on hope,” he replied, the door swinging open. The Ravenclaw started towards the entrance but she didn’t move.

“This is the Ravenclaw common room…” she trailed off. “I’m a Huffl—”

“I’m Head Boy and Prefect. I think I can get you an excuse if caught.” he raised his eyebrow, waiting for her to respond. His eyes shone, asking her to trust him, and she couldn’t refuse.

They had been friends since the beginning, sitting together on the train and eating sharing Every Flavour Beans. Over the years through study hall, Hogsmeade trips, and Prefect meetings, she slowly found herself falling for the lavender-eyed Ravenclaw, despite trying devastatingly hard not to. She knew what each millimetre of raised eyebrow meant, every angle of his sharp cheekbones, and the exact colour of his brown, (but only brown in direct sunlight as it was black right now) hair. She’d trust him with her life.

The Ravenclaw common room wasn’t nearly as cozy as the Hufflepuff one. It looked more like the drawing-room of a fancy mansion, with regal blue couches and antique coffee tables. Yet she found herself drawn to the tall, rounded ceiling and the large shelves stacked with books of all sorts. More books were scattered across the carpets, some flipped upside-down, others marked with leather bookmarks. She noticed Shikamaru playing wizard’s chess with Kankuro, who was losing badly, and Shino reading about magical bugs. Some of the more stuck-up Ravenclaws gave a few unimpressed glares at her until they realized she was with the Head Boy, the person everyone looked up to. 

He led her past the dorm and to another door, where he took out his wand and waved it around, doing a complex unlocking spell that Alohomora just wouldn’t cover. When he opened it, it led to a much narrower staircase, which they climbed around and around until there was a ladder and a trapdoor. He raised his wand towards the latch and pushed it open, moonlight spilling it into the darkness. He climbed out first, then held out his hand to help her climb out. When she stepped onto the tower’s flat platform, her mouth hung open.

It was beautiful. 

She could see the night sky, speckled with so many stars that they looked like salt spilled across a black canvas. The corners where the sky met the earth was illuminated by a purple haze, the half-moon sitting on top of them. She could see the whole castle from where she stood. The forbidden forest on one side, the black lake near another, the quidditch pitch and the six hoops...she could see it all. Her breath was taken away and she felt a surge of envy for the glittering view that the Ravenclaws had the privilege of seeing.

“If I had known that your house gets to see this, I would have forced you to show me this a lot earlier.” she breathed, still caught up in admiring the sky.

“Not a lot of people have figured out how to get here,” Neji said, sitting down on the wooden platform, gazing at the stars above. “I thought you would like it.”

“It’s breathtaking,” she sighed, leaning over the railing, relishing the feeling of the wind rippling through her bangs. She untangled her hair from her twin buns and let it brush though that too. Tenten closed her eyes and smiled, relaxing, happiness surging through her until she felt drained of adrenaline from the feeling of him watching her. 

When the stars seemed to blink slower, she sat down beside Neji, who was laying down. His eyes were darker in the moonlight yet still just as stunning. His eyes could compare to the stars, at least in her opinion.

“I thought about Lee,” he said. “How he was the only one in our class to cast a Patronus that could possibly be useful. He surpassed us all with that spell, even though he isn’t magically gifted.”

“Lee always has defied the odds with his hard work. He’s a true Hufflepuff,” she said defensively.

An astonishingly wide smile crossed his lips, a chuckle escaped his mouth. “I know, he’s something. But that couldn’t have been hard work if he did it on the first try. Even you know that.”

“Then what was it?” she asked.

Neji was silent, staring into her eyes in a way that made her strangely comfortable, before they darted to her lips for a split second, breaking contact.

“Happiness,” he whispered. “He was the only one who could conjure enough joy and positivity for a Patronus.”

“Are you saying that our whole grade besides Lee is depressed?” she teased.

The Ravenclaw Head Boy shook his head, the smile never leaving his lips. “No, no, but I believe he was the only one to truly feel it. He’s been through a lot, and I’m guessing that joy must have been a stark contrast to the darkness, which was more powerful than anyone else’s. After all, he and Professor Gai are always rambling about youth and joy.”

She laughed, enjoying the sensation she felt while talking to him. Right now, she felt happy. She felt happy in a way she hadn’t felt before. Was this—love?

Feeling experimental, she pulled out her wand, focused on her current feeling, and waved it in a circle. 

“Expecto Patronum,” she chanted, not softly, or as loudly as Lee had yelled.

Tenten could feel it working. She could feel her joy coursing from her mind to her wand and through the silver wisps of smoke spilling through it. Her best friend sat up to examine what her wand was conjuring. Silver streams didn’t stop spilling. The light shaped into an animal with small ears, long muscled legs, and a pelt of beautiful spotted prints. She pranced around the tower, defying gravity, leaping on air. 

She padded towards the two, right before their eyes. When it was close enough that Tenten reached out and touched it, her hand went through her like it was a ghost. Yet despite waving through the leopardess as if it was just air, she could feel the joy seeping through her veins once more and looking over at Neji, he was awestruck.

It wasn’t often that he was amazed, even less so that he was amazed at something she, Tenten, conjured up. She loved the way his lips were slightly parted, his eyebrows raised, eye wide, and the corners of his mouth were turned upwards. He too had felt the pure pleasure coming from her full-fledged Patronus and he was soaking in it, in her Patronus. 

As it leaped away, he turned to her and then looked at her with the same expression as he had with the leopardess.

Her breath hitched as he shook his head as if he didn’t believe in something. “Wow,”

“Yeah,”

“How did you do that?”

Tenten blushed, tucking a piece of her overgrown bangs behind her ear. “I just felt so happy at that moment and I thought it would be enough to conjure a corporeal Patronus,”

She didn’t know what to expect as a reaction, but a warm hand on her jaw and Neji’s lips sealed firmly on hers certainly didn’t cross her mind.

They were warm, just like the feeling of her Patronus, maybe even warmer. She melted into him, kissing him back under the moonlight, wrapping her arms delicately around his neck. He tasted of butterbeer and smelled of parchment, the cashmere sweater on her fingertips soft. Slowly, he pushed her to the wood panels of the roof and pinned her there, angling his head so he could drag out her bottom lip between her teeth. 

He pulled away steadily, locking into her eyes, smiling warmly at her. Tenten’s chest heaved as he firmly held her and she decided that she never felt safer or more at home. When he fully sat up again, his warmth still lingered and it wasn’t as cold as she expected it to be. 

The next moment, another beautiful Patronus was conjured and a large falcon flew swiftly towards her leopardess. He circled her and the two played in the air, leaping and flying, closely resembling the way her heart was beating fast and her chest was soaring. 

Neji wrapped his arm around her and she smiled, leaning her head onto his shoulder. They wouldn’t be having any trouble coming up with a powerful happy memory when the time came.

“Inuzuka, give me one good reason I shouldn’t make you trophies for harassing Miss Yamanaka.”

Kiba rolled his eyes at the Hufflepuff prefect. “Tenten, she’s pretty much asking—”

“There are no rules in whether or not she decides to unbutton a few buttons or cut her shirt and skirt, however, there are rules to sexual harassment.” she raised an eyebrow at him. Ino smirked and crossed her arms triumphantly. 

“Fine, but do I still have to go to detention?”

“I’ll let it slide. Next time you want someone’s attention, try giving her a box of chocolate frogs. It probably would work much better than jinxing her clothes.”

Two faces reddened and she sighed, walking away from the two sixth-years.

On the way to her next class, she stumbled upon her good friend and teammate, Rock Lee. 

“I think we should push for a little extra training this week,” he said to her enthusiastically, gathering his books for their next class in his giant green messenger bag. “Our game against Gryffindor is coming up and we must show them Hufflepuff’s burning youth!”

“I’m sure we’ve already shown them.” she smiled, recalling how aggressive Lee could be and the way he would hit buldgers so fast that the other team would often spend most their time dodging rather than chasing. “Though I agree, it would be smart to push for a few more practices.”

Temari, formerly of Gryffindor, had been the keeper for their team for many years and with Naruto as Chaser, they made an incredible team. Since she had graduated last year from Hogwarts, Naruto was now captain, though she doubted they’d be as good. Hufflepuff’s defeat was humiliating and she was glad they had a chance to redeem themselves.

As she climbed into the north tower with a red bag strapped on her back, she took a seat beside the seventh-year Head Boy and Prefect, Neji Hyuga. His nose was buried in a Divination book, glasses perched on his sharp nose, posture immaculate. 

“Still obsessing of fate, Hyuga?” she teased. “Use your genius for other things.”

“I don’t recall asking for your opinion, Tenten.” he marked his book and turned around, a small hint of a smile on his lips. 

“No, I’m just exercising my freedom of speech.” she retorted, pulling out her wand and pointing it to her small bag, flicking it a couple of times. A textbook, quill, notebook, and a couple of fudge flies leaped out of her bag and landed onto the table. A few people stared, impressed that she was able to master non-verbal summoning so quickly.

Neji, however, was used to it. She had mastered the fourth-year summoning charm in her first year and non-verbal in the fifth year. Tenten held out the carton of fudge-flies, offering the Ravenclaw some sweets. He shook his head and turned back to his book.

The class died down a little as their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor strode in, wizard cap covering one eye, book in hand. As usual, Professor Kakashi Hatake was very late. 

“Sorry, class, a couple of house-elves needed help carrying some groceries—”

“Save it, professor!” cried a kid from the corner of the room. 

“House-elves don’t even need to carry anything,” she mumbled to Neji, “that was one of the lamest excuses yet.”

He shrugged and put away his book, replacing it with the one on their subject. 

“Today, we’ll be learning about the Patronus.” the professor started slowly. “I’m sure one of you has heard of it.”

Tenten rolled her eyes. Everyone has heard of the Patronus. Especially with the recent cases of the Akatsuki breaking out of Azkaban, dementors have been trailing in and out of Hogwarts, much to Headmaster Tsunade’s fury. 

As the teacher gave a short lecture, many of it a review, Tenten glanced at Neji, who was paying strict attention and taking notes though he probably didn’t need it. Suddenly, his hand stopped scribbling on his parchment and looked over to her, his white eyes locking with hers. She felt her cheeks go red and quickly darted her eyes away, focusing back onto Professor Hatake. 

“I’m going to let you get into threes so you can try and practice the Patronus,” he replied. “I do not expect any of you to be able to perform a spell that most witches and wizards cannot, though I would like to see if you can create the beginnings of one.

The Head Boy merely blinked, unlike Lee, who was quite worried. Her best friend and fellow beater wasn’t as magically gifted as other wizards. He wasn’t great at subjects that required a lot of spell casting such as Charms, Transfiguration, or DADA either. He made up for it by working exceptionally hard in Potions, Herbology, and his best subject, Care of Magical Creatures and being one of the best Quidditch players of the century. She could see why he wasn’t happy about learning such a spell, as hard work might not come easy for one so complex.

Neji on the other hand, was able to master practically all of them, scoring an Outstanding in all of his NEWTs except for Divination. Though having an obsession with fate and lacking any talent for it whatsoever, Defence Against the Dark Arts was his best subject. He was quick-thinking, skilled, and had a duelling style his extremely pure-blood wizarding family excelled in. The spell he always conjured up was the shield charm, yet he used it for offence rather than defence, knocking many people off their feet during it. 

The group of three took a spot in the large classroom and flipped through their books to get the instructions. 

Tenten attempted first, thinking of a positive memory, (the first time she summoned something), and waved her wand in a circle, and chanted the incantation. Unfortunately, nothing happened. She tried for another memory, and another, yet nothing seemed to produce any result. Finally, she relieved a more nostalgic memory and tried one more time and a very very faint wisp seemed to drip from her wand.

Neji tried next, closing his eyes for a brief moment, looking quite arrogant, and waved his wand. “Expecto Patronum,”

To all three’s surprise, he didn’t produce anything. Even with his other tries, he didn’t even manage to get as much of a wisp as Tenten did, who didn’t get far either. This only made Lee more nervous because if Neji and Tenten could perform a spell, could he?

They watched him intensely as he closed his eyes, standing there meditatively in a position they’d usually see Neji performing. A familiarly wide smile drew upon his lips and Tenten sighed. She thought he was going to take it seriously.

“EXPECTO PATRONUM!” he yelled, catching the attention of everyone in the room with his boisterous attitude. 

Where everyone was about to roll their eyes, what they didn’t expect was a bright flash of light and the beginning of a small shield. Tenten’s mouth hung agape and their professor strode over, seemingly unsurprised at Lee’s sudden success.

“Good job, Lee, I haven’t seen many people your age able to produce a spell that quickly. 20 points to Hufflepuff.”

His two companions couldn’t shake off their amazement, especially at the fact that for the rest of the day, his Patronus just seemed to get bigger while theirs didn’t do anything at all.

.

.

“Tenten, do you have a moment?”

She looked up at the familiar baritone voice and Neji Hyuga was standing before her, a grey sweater over the usual white button-up with his sapphire blue tie loosened around his neck. The candle on her library table illuminated his face with dancing patterns and made him appear almost angel-like. Her breath caught in her throat and she shook out the feeling of butterflies with a friendly smile.

Checking her watch, she noticed that it was already pretty late and she’d have to get back to her dorm soon. Thankfully she just finished up her transfiguration essay. 

“Only a moment,” she said softly. “I’ll have to hurry if I want to take a bath today.”

“But you don’t have any meeting or homework, I’m presuming?” he asked.

“Nope, I’m all yours,” she said, blushing at the way it came out.

They walked through the halls of the school, moonlight illuminating the way out of the library. She followed him, wondering where they were going as he led her up winding staircases and towards a bronze door, a bronze eagle at the handle. Tenten recognized it as the Eagle Door Knocker, that spoke of riddles to let you pass.

Neji delicately picked up the handle and tapped it three times, then released his hold. The beak opened and a low voice range out.

“At night they come without being fetched, by day they are lost without being stolen, if absent they are summoned by a receiver, crushed if one won’t be a believer.”

She blinked a couple of times, looking over to her companion as he thought steadily. 

“One’s dreams as the mind’s movement during sleep or the ambitions based on hope,” he replied, the door swinging open. The Ravenclaw started towards the entrance but she didn’t move.

“This is the Ravenclaw common room…” she trailed off. “I’m a Huffl—”

“I’m Head Boy and Prefect. I think I can get you an excuse if caught.” he raised his eyebrow, waiting for her to respond. His eyes shone, asking her to trust him, and she couldn’t refuse.

They had been friends since the beginning, sitting together on the train and eating sharing Every Flavour Beans. Over the years through study hall, Hogsmeade trips, and Prefect meetings, she slowly found herself falling for the lavender-eyed Ravenclaw, despite trying devastatingly hard not to. She knew what each millimetre of raised eyebrow meant, every angle of his sharp cheekbones, and the exact colour of his brown, (but only brown in direct sunlight as it was black right now) hair. She’d trust him with her life.

The Ravenclaw common room wasn’t nearly as cozy as the Hufflepuff one. It looked more like the drawing-room of a fancy mansion, with regal blue couches and antique coffee tables. Yet she found herself drawn to the tall, rounded ceiling and the large shelves stacked with books of all sorts. More books were scattered across the carpets, some flipped upside-down, others marked with leather bookmarks. She noticed Shikamaru playing wizard’s chess with Kankuro, who was losing badly, and Shino reading about magical bugs. Some of the more stuck-up Ravenclaws gave a few unimpressed glares at her until they realized she was with the Head Boy, the person everyone looked up to. 

He led her past the dorm and to another door, where he took out his wand and waved it around, doing a complex unlocking spell that Alohomora just wouldn’t cover. When he opened it, it led to a much narrower staircase, which they climbed around and around until there were a ladder and a trapdoor. He raised his wand towards the latch and pushed it open, moonlight spilling it into the darkness. He climbed out first, then held out his hand to help her climb out. When she stepped onto the tower’s flat platform, her mouth hung open.

It was beautiful. 

She could see the night sky, speckled with so many stars that they looked like salt spilled across a black canvas. The corners where the sky met the earth was illuminated by a purple haze, the half-moon sitting on top of them. She could see the whole castle from where she stood. The forbidden forest on one side, the black lake near another, the quidditch pitch and the six hoops...she could see it all. Her breath was taken away and she felt a surge of envy for the glittering view that the Ravenclaws had the privilege of seeing.

“If I had known that your house gets to see this, I would have forced you to show me this a lot earlier.” she breathed, still caught up in admiring the sky.

“Not a lot of people have figured out how to get here,” Neji said, sitting down on the wooden platform, gazing at the stars above. “I thought you would like it.”

“It’s breathtaking,” she sighed, leaning over the railing, relishing the feeling of the wind rippling through her bangs. She untangled her hair from her twin buns and let it brush though that too. Tenten closed her eyes and smiled, relaxing, happiness surging through her until she felt drained of adrenaline from the feeling of him watching her. 

When the stars seemed to blink slower, she sat down beside Neji, who was laying down. His eyes were darker in the moonlight yet still just as stunning. His eyes could compare to the stars, at least in her opinion.

“I thought about Lee,” he said. “How he was the only one in our class to cast a Patronus that could possibly be useful. He surpassed us all with that spell, even though he isn’t magically gifted.”

“Lee always has defied the odds with his hard work. He’s a true Hufflepuff,” she said defensively.

An astonishingly wide smile crossed his lips, a chuckle escaped his mouth. “I know, he’s something. But that couldn’t have been hard work if he did it on the first try. Even you know that.”

“Then what was it?” she asked.

Neji was silent, staring into her eyes in a way that made her strangely comfortable, before they darted to her lips for a split second, breaking contact.

“Happiness,” he whispered. “He was the only one who could conjure enough joy and positivity for a Patronus.”

“Are you saying that our whole grade besides Lee is depressed?” she teased.

The Ravenclaw Head Boy shook his head, the smile never leaving his lips. “No, no, but I believe he was the only one to truly feel it. He’s been through a lot, and I’m guessing that joy must have been a stark contrast to the darkness, which was more powerful than anyone else’s. After all, he and Professor Gai are always rambling about youth and joy.”

She laughed, enjoying the sensation she felt while talking to him. Right now, she felt happy. She felt happy in a way she hadn’t felt before. Was this—love?

Feeling experimental, she pulled out her wand, focused on her current feeling, and waved it in a circle. 

“Expecto Patronum,” she chanted, not softly, or as loudly as Lee had yelled.

Tenten could feel it working. She could feel her joy coursing from her mind to her wand and through the silver wisps of smoke spilling through it. Her best friend sat up to examine what her wand was conjuring. Silver streams didn’t stop spilling. The light shaped into an animal with small ears, long muscled legs, and a pelt of beautiful spotted prints. She pranced around the tower, defying gravity, leaping on air. 

She padded towards the two, right before their eyes. When it was close enough that Tenten reached out and touched it, her hand went through her like it was a ghost. Yet despite waving through the leopardess as if it was just air, she could feel the joy seeping through her veins once more and looking over at Neji, he was awestruck.

It wasn’t often that he was amazed, even less so that he was amazed at something she, Tenten, conjured up. She loved the way his lips were slightly parted, his eyebrows raised, eye wide, and the corners of his mouth were turned upwards. He too had felt the pure pleasure coming from her full-fledged Patronus and he was soaking in it, in her Patronus. 

As it leaped away, he turned to her and then looked at her with the same expression as he had with the leopardess.

Her breath hitched as he shook his head as if he didn’t believe in something. “Wow,”

“Yeah,”

“How did you do that?”

Tenten blushed, tucking a piece of her overgrown bangs behind her ear. “I just felt so happy at that moment and I thought it would be enough to conjure a corporeal Patronus,”

She didn’t know what to expect as a reaction, but a warm hand on her jaw and Neji’s lips sealed firmly on hers certainly didn’t cross her mind.

They were warm, just like the feeling of her Patronus, maybe even warmer. She melted into him, kissing him back under the moonlight, wrapping her arms delicately around his neck. He tasted of butterbeer and smelled of parchment, the cashmere sweater on her fingertips soft. Slowly, he pushed her to the wood panels of the roof and pinned her there, angling his head so he could drag out her bottom lip between her teeth. 

He pulled away steadily, locking into her eyes, smiling warmly at her. Tenten’s chest heaved as he firmly held her and she decided that she never felt safer or more at home. When he fully sat up again, his warmth still lingered and it wasn’t as cold as she expected it to be. 

The next moment, another beautiful Patronus was conjured and a large falcon flew swiftly towards her leopardess. He circled her and the two played in the air, leaping and flying, closely resembling the way her heart was beating fast and her chest was soaring. 

Neji wrapped his arm around her and she smiled, leaning her head onto his shoulder. They wouldn’t be having any trouble coming up with a powerful happy memory when the time came.

[atomicfilm]

The case for (maybe) being an INTP:

- Overanalyzing

- I try to establish my own opinion before engaging in conversations with others to gain their perspectives. However, I will engage in these conversations, but this is apparently a shared trait btwn the INTP/ENTP.

- I debate one person consistently, we’ll call her M, and most other people will give up when they talk to me and/or agree with me. I don’t argue with people to change their opinions, which I think is the ENTP way of doing it, I argue because I find logical fallacies in their arguments and believe they’re incorrect. Which just so happens to be all the time. I think this is why I thought I played Devil’s Advocate, and because I was thinking about 1 occurrence, but ignoring that a lot of the time I will end a debate simply because I agree with them.

- I feel uncomfortable with directly offensive jokes and offensive humor. It takes a lot of continual anger for me to generalize a group of people and write them off. 

- I like to think I’m an optimist but I’m more of a pessimist to my own dismay. I think we’re gonna die because of climate change but I suppose nature’s way is better than mass genocide. When I debate I always prefer to take the negative/con side, which may suggest pessimism.

- I require someone to provide evidence to back up every statement of theirs and I do the same. If you don’t have this evidence then you had better find some or I will not listen to you until I’m satisfied with your sources.

- If I don’t know much about a topic then I will either say “I don’t know, do you want to look it up together” (usually option A) or stay silent. I’m too much of a perfectionist to say something too illogical that I won’t be able to correct later.

- But I also won’t agree with someone just to agree with someone because that’s the biggest piece of B.S. I’ve ever seen.

- I can spend all day googling random things instead of talking to people. And I mean all day.

- I prefer writing over talking any day. I famously like to say that I’m good at debate and terrible at speaking, refer to an earlier post of mine. I like to have the time to painstakingly process all of my ideas, weed out which ones I can’t support effectively, and then take a while to present my ideas. I teamed up with guy I really hate to pitch my film script ideas once because I’m not a good salesman.

- I think I can play the character of an ENTP really well. It’s not hard. It’s stereotypical vine material combined with a little intellectualism. One of my friends had said that I hadn’t done anything “crazy” in a few years and that I didn’t seem like myself, and my response to her was like “that’s not me, that’s a character”. It’s also the same as an INTP but more exaggerated. Now, I think ENTPs play lots of characters too generally, but I think I’m being very meta and playing an ENTP.

- A lot of people used to think that I partied hard/was a drug dealer but I mostly write and watch murder mysteries with my cat all day while contemplating the modern human’s relationship to early homo sapiens.

- I can be loud but that’s because I know how to put on a show, if that makes sense. I usually have a flair for the dramatics when I’ve decided I have a crush on them and it’s not a light one. With light crushes, I will ignore a person’s existence. The end. Otherwise, I can be silent as a mouse for months and the only person in the room who will know I’m smart will be the teacher/my bff/my mom/whoever. Likewise, the narcissism thing is totally fake. I don’t think I’m hot, I just say that because you’re supposed to believe it eventually and also because it’s some big societal upheaval for women to be confident.

- My default mode is accidentally flirty. Lots of sex jokes. Unless I like you, then any time you mention sex I will say “ew” or “cooties”. Apparently, I’m good at giving this look that says “hey stranger, come on over” but then I’ll scoot away because you’re a stranger and hello, personal space. I can be very friendly when I get over the fact that you’re a stranger talking to me though (but I had to develop this as a job skill). 

- I think I’m blunt and direct but I’m actually not usually directly blunt. For example, there was this guy at my school who kept sexually harassing me and to him, I just glared at him all the time and kept moving away from him because I didn’t want to start shit, but I told his best friend about it and was like “I hate the dude”. Dunno if this points towards being an ENTP or an INTP. I’m very blunt but not in a personal way, if that makes sense. I can be like “this is why I think that’s wrong” and openly criticize an idea, but I don’t openly criticize people I know.

- I’m not totally oblivious to other people’s feelings. I understand where they come from sorta. But I don’t really understand them themselves. If that makes sense. I can be like, oh she is hurt because I said this and now she has a lowered her eyelids. But then I’m like, okay, but I wouldn’t respond the same way emotionally so why did she? 

- I’m naturally basically a hobbit. I actually hang around a lot of very stable people (shoutout to ISFJ) and usually I leave behind friendships/relationships because they have upset this state of comfort by being toxic. I like to eat the same thing every time I go to a place, I like to do the same activities. But I like a little adventure, I like to have new conversations and try on different styles (but my go-to style is classic), I like to listen to new songs (but I have a soundtrack of songs I will sing over and over).

- I cannot handle authority. If you are an authority member and you raise your voice at me, I will cry, and those will be real tears.

- In middle school, people used to get mad at me for being afraid to do a lot of things like ziplining, so basically I force myself to go out of my comfort zone because I know that as much as I hate to do it and as much as I will procrastinate to do it, there’s a chance it will better my life. This could be where my ENTP character comes from. It could also be from being in theatre and imitating the average theatre kid. Either one.

- I hate stages. I hate them. I hate being in front of people. I hate talking to people a lot of the time. But I just do it anyway because it will hurt me if I don’t even if I’m about to throw up.

- I can be a loud person but I can also be extremely quiet. And when I observe people I usually think they’re being way too loud for my poor ears. 

- I’m not a true leader. I take a lot of leadership positions but really I’d prefer to be an individual but have recognized the need for a guide and no one else has taken it on. I also hate group projects. I have done 0 group projects (outside of AP Bio because I worked w/ my best friend who’s very capable) in the past three years of high school that I can remember. I don’t like carrying the deadweight of other people.

- I hate liars. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. And they’re easy to spot. It’s my biggest pet peeve and I frequently say it when I’m judging someone’s character.

- Likewise, I’m very good at spotting psychopaths. My friends made a game out of this using their blocked-out forensics textbook. I think this is also an ENTP thing.

- Theoretically, I think I do think very similarly to an ENTP. For example, I can buy into existentialism, but I think there’s a basic starting point for morality that’s universal. I.E. murder is inherently bad. Slavery is inherently bad. Y’all can look at my older posts. An ENTP, however, really and truly does believe that a universal morality doesn’t exist and furthermore, that they don’t have an innate moral compass. This is one of the big red flags to me and part of the reason why I started looking into INTPs (I had initially been comparing myself w/ ENFPs but I ruled that out). I do immoral things, but I think these things are immoral and I feel guilt for them. I follow laws, but I don’t think laws are inherently moral and every once in a while you’ll come across a law that shouldn’t be followed because it infringes upon natural rights.

- Again, with reflecting on the past a lot of ENTPs don’t think their past is a concrete thing. And I logically agree with that. So many of our memories are made up and distorted, some people even steal other people’s memories and adopt them as their own. But I think of my past as a part of me all the same and I recognize that I’ve gathered as close to an objective understanding of it that I can.

- I think I naturally act like an INTP without any intense external stimuli. Which is to say, I’m an INTP and appear like one unless I feel like looking like an extrovert will aid me somehow.

- Every time I say I’m an extrovert to anyone they’re like “no, you’re definitely an introvert”. This was another red flag. I don’t put much value in other people’s perspectives of me typically but figuring out where I get energy from has been a long process. It turns out, I don’t get lasting energy from people or from being alone. I do get short-term energy from having really good conversations with people and I like to be near people but not necessarily speaking to them all the time (I’d rather fall asleep on them most of the time). They drain me out so fast too. My family was just in town for a few weeks and it will take me a few weeks to cope. Most of my energy comes from dance. It might not make sense to most people, but it’s true.

- And then I learned that some people think being an extrovert means you’re focused on external stimuli. Well, this certainly isn’t true for me. I think so much in my head that one day I decided to focus more on the outside world because it was just too much for me to handle emotionally.

- I socialize like an introvert. Even in a crowd of people, I find one person to pay attention to and they get all of my attention.

-  I’m slow to decide if someone is friend material. You may think we’ve been friends for five years and I’ll be like “dude, I know one thing about you and I don’t trust you”.

- I used to be very oblivious to social cues but then I researched them and practiced them so now I’m pretty good at them.

- Si wise, if you say an adjective I can remember my associations with it very easy. This makes reading horror novels a gruesome experience. I’m a pretty nostalgic person sometimes. I’m not too sure about this one but I think it’ll be the deciding factor in whether or not I’m an INTP.

- INTPs – > small pictures within a bigger picture. When I start learning about a subject, I find a nuanced part of it very quickly. Mass incarceration for example. When I started researching about it, I became very focused on teenage drug abuse among impoverished groups in the Northeast and case studies of police planting drugs on teens to arrest them.

- I will waste 12 hrs. fixing my typos in a script. I wrote a 40 pg. script in about 8 and the rest of the day was just making sure that every word was the perfect one to use.  

- One of the videos I watched said that INTPs like to intellectually support others and bring them up to their standards. This is very true for me. I’m always the friend that people ask to explain a concept to. I don’t mind taking the time to explain anything that I know about. I just want you to learn so that you can go on to have a great conversation later in life.

- When I meet other ENTPs I don’t really see myself in them a whole lot. I do relate to their need for mental stimulation. But the INTP I know and I have been told we have the same personality on more than one occasion.

- I have 3 friend groups, so technically I have a lot of friends, but I really only hang out and talk to 2 of my friends regularly. I have go-tos for my rants.

- My friend just called me and my response was “hello, why did you make me charge my phone for this when I could have texted you on my laptop instead” . I do like talking on the phone, but the act of calling someone and having to think of things to say makes me nervous. 

- I have three main intellectual focuses. Human rights, zoology, and cinema. Outside of those, I usually feel like I don’t know what to say until I take a hot second to learn everything about that subject ever written.

- I do have a kind of dark sense of humor but it’s delivered in a light-hearted way. And really dark stuff makes me super uncomfortable. I also don’t show this dark humor to anyone but close friends.

- When talking about poverty or other social issues I do use my own experience (INTP) on the subject rather than using universal hypotheticals (someone thought this was more of an ENTP thing)

- Don’t like being touched/cuddled that much but do like cuddling other people and taking care of them.

- I think my friends Jake and Sebastian are ENTPs, in which case, we click really well and I’m one of the few people who don’t get mad at them. But I will call them out for being offensive. And a very notable difference between us is that Jake will challenge everything anyone has ever said ever. I will only challenge it, once again, if I disagree with your foundation of logic.

- When I’m around over three people I don’t really know what’s happening aside from the people I’ve focused on.

- I think in my head so much that it tires me out to exhaustion. I remember one day deciding that I wasn’t going to think to myself so much and instead focus on external things because I was just tired of contemplating things without having concrete information to make a definite answer. 

- I feel alone in large groups and like to latch on to one close friend. 

- I feel like I can “adopt on” other people’s personalities but it’s not really true. I’m always myself I’m just sometimes more talkative. 

All that being said, I don’t think I’m a stereotypical INTP if I even am one. I think I probably am more emotionally developed than a lot of rational types and I’m learning how to be there for people and just be empathetic. People are constant works in progress and I consider myself a constant work in progress.

I’m externally very dynamic (or at least appear to be) and open to my opinions being challenged, but I’m also very stubborn and static unless I arrive to those logical conclusions too.

I really thought when I started saying I was an ENTP that my INTP tendencies were just the depressed version of me. But I’m not currently depressed and sometimes the evidence becomes too big to ignore. But I wouldn’t mind hearing other opinions since I’ve only been into MBTI for a month and recognize that there are other, more experienced people out there.

- It’s 12:29 AM I have been working on this post for 2 hrs. so I’m definitely an NT.

--- 

There’s not a whole lot of information out there distinguishing between ENTPs and INTPs without relying on stereotypes. But I have seen a lot of what is out there and I will personally be typing myself as an INTP for now. 

I really have never wanted to be an introvert,  and maybe I’m not one, but I think I’ve been too biased against it to act objectively. 

@confusedinfj I’ve taken this off of private mode so you can take a gander. 

[crptkng]

I feel like I need to post about this because I have nothing better to do and because I would genuinely like to share my experience with BPD (borderline personality disorder) 

Now this will get pretty ugly and show the worst parts of me but please don’t think I’m an inherently toxic person for my behaviors that I could not control and that I have better control of as now. 

One of the first things you’ll notice about BPD is a marked disturbance in interpersonal relationships I’ve always had a very hard time keeping friends. I would have a certain friend for about a year and then we’d drift apart for no reason. Nothing totally horrible has happened in most of my past relationships, we’ve just either drifted apart or lost contact. However, that’s not to say I haven’t had a few not so healthy relationships. With BPD comes this fun little side effect of you possibly developing an unhealthy attachment to a certain person or people. This has happened to me on multiple occasions, 3 to be exact. This coins the term FP or favorite person.

The earliest I can ever recall and that I recognize now as being such was a good friend of mine that I met back in 2010/2011. My relationship with them wasn’t directly stormy in the beginning. I would see them at least once a week and all, but whenever I heard them mention another friend of theirs or that they would be hanging out with someone that wasn’t me I would get very angry and passive aggressively take it out on them. At first it was just that but it did start to go downhill when we hit high school and we started seeing less of each other. I would still be passive aggressive about the people they hung out with and all but the cake was taken when they got a boyfriend. I didn’t like him for one reason or another, still not entirely sure why but I but I went as far as accusing him of possibly making my friend “do something they didn’t want to” and kept nagging them about it. They ultimately broke up and we slowly lost most communication. I was sent spiraling into hysteria about losing my “only friend”. My whole school day was compromised to the point I called them into the school counselors office to force them to talk to me. After this we talked it out and were friends again. 

Around this time they introduced me to this guy who was and, to this day, still is one of my absolute best friends. The three of us were all really good friends and even had a group chat on skype together. After a few months of being friends I started having feelings for him but he had feelings for the friend that introduced us. I took this pretty hard and started accusing them of going behind my back outside of group chats and talking about me and just in general having more fun without me.This is the part where it all blew up and I decided I would rather isolate myself from this guy so I deleted him from skype and my phone contacts. Stayed friends with the first FP for a while before that eventually fizzled out. About a year later the dude my ex FP introduced me to popped into my head and I readded him on Skype. Come to find the two of them dated over the summer but broke up and he’d already gotten a new boyfriend. Everything was fine and we almost immediately got back into our old routine of watching stupid videos and shows as well as listening to music, sometimes inviting his boyfriend to join us. the three of us were friends for about 2 years before his ex developed feelings for another friend of theirs. My friend unfortunately had to hear it from a third party and not directly from his ex himself. This sent me into a rage and I verbally attacked his ex a few times, going so far as to harass him for a year before we made amends this fall and we’re even friends now!!

After they broke up with my friend and I had verbally ripped his ex a new one, about 3 months later my friend/FP and I confessed our crushes for each other and started dating in the spring of 2017. Summer 2017 came and he and I got to meet up for the first time in our almost 5 years of knowing each other. Our romantic relationship was not at all healthy in the slightest. I would need constant assurances of his feelings for me and if there was the slightest change in tone i’d immediately shift into a sour mood. Along with this I had the repeat actions of getting passive aggressively angry when he’d mention anyone else but me or make plans with someone else. Summer comes and goes and we’re still together even though i’m out of line, we even make plans for me to fly fully paid for by his mother to come see him over the Christmas break. this is where things got worse. I was constantly clingy and wouldn’t leave him to do his own thing, and would get jealous and passive aggressive whenever he’d hop on voice chat to play games. I would have major anxiety whenever I wasn’t near him and so on. Eventually while I was there we broke up. Him needing to focus on schooling and not being able to keep me happy and under control. Although we broke up I stayed the duration of my trip and we remained good friends.In fact, I’m trying my best with my holiday job to earn enough to buy him a ticket up to Seattle to see him again <3

My unhealthy relationships don’t stop there but are more brief than the one beforehand 

After my FP and I broke up I started talking regularly to this guy I used to talk to on skype before the great migration to discord.  

He and I talked from around January to June 2018. We’d go back and forth teasing each other and had an amazing friendship overall. Around the February is when I developed a crush on the guy which was... Not too great. Not only was he my crush but he was another FP. I would fixate on him when I thought I made him upset and would have major anxiety about it until proven otherwise, as is usually the case with most people for me.

Cut to March which just happens to be my birth month and I plan a desert date with a couple of my friends, him included. We all go to the mall near by and have a good time. This would be the first, and last time I got to meet him in person as he lived over an hour away by bus. We part ways with a hasty hug because I had to catch my bus back home. After this we plan on meeting up again but it turns out that he’s being kicked out by his mother that recently remarried and has to move to California. He ends up moving but we still stay connected on Discord and are still friends. April is when we start flirting with each other and we eventually send nudes back and forth to which I get a less than pleased response about my body.

At first I brushed it off bc you know I was enchanted by him. But then he proceeds to ghost me twice after this, once because of the nude and twice bc I told him I liked him.

During this he also blocked me on Discord for a few days as a joke because I insulted a titty anime he liked but came back and told me excitedly he was moving back to Washington but because he didn’t feel like he could tell me he didn’t want to have sex like we talked about he ghosts me. I eventually have an encounter where I was sexually assaulted and he said nothing about it and ignored my distress, eventually blocking me for good because I started going off on him like I did with my friends ex.

The next FP has a short history as he’s my current FP.

This guy is still kinda my friend but we don’t hang out in person anymore and he hardly responds to my texts or calls. But!!

I noticed this one when I realized I was doing the same thing I do with all my FPs which is get jealous of the people he talks about. One person in particular, too.

I reconnected with him during the summer 2018, about a month after the incident with the last guy mentioned, we quickly started hanging out again and even had a couple make out sessions. I didn’t notice right away that I was reacting the way I was until one day I noticed myself using manipulative language because he declined my invitation to go get food. This happened a couple of times, most significant of which was when he texted me the morning after he went out and partied. I jokingly asked him “ without me?” “Yee”. I was able to restrain and reroute what I was saying to make it seem less manipulative. Going back to me being upset when he mentions someone else. He has a crush on this girl who’s a mutual friend of ours and one night he invited me over to hang but we ended up going to the mall she worked at so he could try and convince her to join us. She said no, and we left. But he proceeded to talk about her for a good half hour after. He also knew I had a crush on him at the time so that double set me off. Halloween rolls up. He and another best friend of mine come over for drinks and to just chill in general. He asks me who all is coming and asks abt her. I don’t invite her because she’s leaving for a trip the next morning. Previous to this I met up with her and her now boyfriend and she tells me they got back together. She hadn’t told my FP and was never going to in the first place. He mentioned her again and I consider telling him then and there but decided not to at the moment. After Halloween is when he starts ghosting me and I get angry bc he’s not giving me attention so that’s when I tell him. Not out of the kindness of my heart but out of spite for being ignored. He and I don’t talk as much but I assume we’re on ok terms!

These are my most relevant people attachment stories. But I’m far from over with this post which is already a LOT.

Another fun part of BPD that I experience is the lack of identity.

I can easily attach myself to fictional characters and identify with them so strongly that I feel like I become them. This has happened most significantly with Dean Winchester from Supernatural and Charlie Kelly from Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

With Dean it was probably the strongest. I started listening to the music he did and wearing leather and becoming aloof like he was. Just overall taking small traits and becoming like him.

Charlie was more of a comfort character who I also took small traits from and started dressing like him.

As well as taking on their traits I considered career paths similar to theirs. Bartender and janitor for Charlie and a cop for Dean.

It doesn’t stop at fictional characters either. I notice I take on bits of the people I’m with and mold myself into who they are. I laugh like them and want to do the same things that they do even if I’m bad at it. Another HUGE symptom of BPD and one of the most common criteria for it is uncontrollable bouts of anger  First and most recent example I have being when my last ex broke up with me. I spent two days in a rage threatening to do harm to him and, as he is an addict, told one of his friends that he could “Die in a ditch with a needle in his arm”. Every time I thought of him my body would go cold and I would shake with rage. Second example I can think of that I’ve had to do on many occasions is my plans and needs being shoved behind by my mother and me getting so enraged I had to go chop a dead tree in our back yard. Third and final example I have of some of my rages comes back to the person who ghosted me because I was fat.After he did that and found out he was lying to me about everything I sat for a good half hour staring at the group call he was in on a mutual discord server and planned on going in and yelling at him while everyone was there. I ended up not doing it but that was another example of me shaking with rage and my body going cold.  Mood swings are prevalent in people with BPD The most notable examples i have are, with the most severe being the time I took a book and smashed it on my desk, cried and then started laughing at the Mishapocolypse  all in the span of about 15 to 20 minutes and several times when I felt extremely inadequate to everyone or when I misinterpreted the tone of my FP and sent myself spiraling into a depression.  Some people with BPD may also have hallucinations I’ve had one that’s the most notable, being the time I hallucinated the smell of doritos when there were none near me at the time because I was outside away from home, Another when I was sitting in my therapists office. she noticed me looking away from her towards the floor at what I saw as a blue dot that looked like a very small light from a charging cord on a laptop battery pack. And last, but most recent is when I was outside on a walk and seeing several blue dots blinking in the bushes where no other lights would be.   Another marked trait of BPD is Impulsivity    I’ve dealt with impulsivity in a couple different area. Notably though are the several unsafe sexual encounters I've had with multiple partners, turning to drugs or alcohol to cope with stress or sadness and my spending money when I have very little. People with BPD can suffer from intrusive thoughts These are NOT fun or cute like tumblr likes to make them out to be. Here’s a list of mine that go from not so bad to holy shit go get help. 

Fp not talking to you this exact moment?: Pull your hair out 

Chugg the whole bottle of asprin

Punch that dog

Bite the cat

Feeling angry and wanna take it out on something?: Grab one of the hamsters and SQUISH!!!

I wanna peel the skin off a frog

Step on your grandpa’s ventilator tube

Take that baby by the legs and swing it’s head into the wall

These are just some of the symptoms I suffer from and my personal experiences with BPD and as I say in the tags, people experience these symptoms differently. If you can relate to these symptoms and are not diagnosed, I suggest taking it to a professional who can help you further research and help you recover.

[the-firebird69]

And YouTwo plan to bring him to a home that you run and he knows you're extremely abusive, some activizes plan and become involved you pushed him into a fight after I repetitive abuse and you lost the fight and you died like a f****** stupid dog you just keep going at him he says he's going to kill you right in front of everyone if you keep doing it I believe him too he's fast he's aware all the time he goes up against hundreds of people a day you can only take two or three and then you're down easily by the way confronts you in every occasion and you won't f****** back off you're stupid like a dog I tell you you're an animal behavior is bothering everybody it's time for you guys to check the f*** out and by the way you guys are going really fast in the UK why don't you go there prove that you won't go we think that you'll be gone the second you guys hit the shore if you get there so dumb I can't believe this you f****** airhead you advertise that you're doing what getting killed by his people and they're taking your stuff so he's saying he's doing he thought you thought you were my friend he thought it was stupid stuff you can take advantage of me you can bother me all the time I'm telling you to stop doing that s*** with me stop bothering me you know aren't you afraid to die at all stupid mother f***** and your fleet is crap is crap they're going up there to destroy it now it's your big huge mouth

Now I said this a lot this kid is very dangerous he doesn't even try to be most of the time it's just really people bother him more than I've ever seen you people are stupid as hell we're all going to die we're going to die here understand DC is going to fall he's going to crush it can't stand you anymore he says you're out doesn't want to hear it you want to do your job and stop people that's fine in like threatened one person expect everything to happen for you nobody ever devised anything that works like that now I do it but I also have tons of other stuff I'm doing I work a lot I think a lot and I have a lot of ideas and he knows it I solved one for cork he's going to try it and another one and you know he's got to be worth something he's just going to go with some kind of sea turd

Imortant Joe

You're more like her all done you laugh at me all the time make fun of me harass me say you're stealing from me took all my ideas and ran did nothing at all for me it shows too what you get from that it's a learning experience for others I really don't want them to learn but boy did you people fall for tons of stuff you're huge suckers you're laughing at me you need to be laughed at your father can tell you some things that you fell for I was doing and I'm doing you're a huge suckers to die for me massive massive massive suckers and for me to hit you Dan and kill you by hand cuz you forced it these are your clinch the extinct it means I'm making fun of your race and kind and theirs cuz they don't get their own law you can't die by my hand having pushed it in a fight there's no way for you to cover it's like you're this week animal that they have to put down

Zues Hera

[sept-dix]

crush on you

summary: guitarist!jaehwan au in which you work as an event organiser and meet artist jaehwan by chance

a/n: requested; title is taken from a song called crush by yuna ft usher and i recommend you listen to it while reading!

the biggest indie music festival in your city is of a massive scale - thousands of people from all over the place gather to watch it and the acts featured only grow in both quality and quantity as the years pass

so being an event organiser (especially that of such a big event which involves thousands of people and so many resources) isn’t easy in the slightest, and there are times when you get so overwhelmed with the number of things you need to keep track of that you find yourself googling the easiest method to fake your own death

but the satisfaction you feel when you see the event you’ve spent so many sleepless nights planning for run smoothly is bigger than the stress so ultimately you love your job

which is why you are about to burst a blood vessel when one of the biggest acts of the night goes missing half an hour before showtime

you’re just making your way around every artist’s waiting room to confirm that they’re all prepared and present for showtime, and everything’s going fine until you reach the waiting room of this duo called JAS (jaehwan and sewoon) ((lmao))

clearly it’s a duo, so there’s supposed to be 2 people, but when you open the door there’s only one person there

“mr sewoon, do you happen to know where mr jaehwan is? it’s nearly time for you guys to get on standby for showtime”

sewoon just looks up at you blankly from the phone he had been scrolling through and goes “idk, he’s probably here somewhere. he’ll come back soon though i think, he always does this” with absolutely zero hint of any anxiety or confusion in his voice

he thinks he’ll come back soon??? you are shocked by the calmness in his voice 

but you are you, you can’t be calm like that bc it’s literally your job to make sure that the jaehwan guy is in his waiting room at this time

so once you make sure that the rest of the acts are all fine you start half walking half jogging your way around the backstage areas looking for this dude

who is nowhere to be found

you check the waiting room once more but he isn’t there either

at this point your anxiety and anger levels are about to skyrocket as you start full out running to find him

and you are just about to call a superior to inform them about the situation when you hear guitar strums coming from behind you

behind you as in the area where artists aren’t even allowed 

you are definitely angry now because it had been made clear that artists aren’t allowed here so you stomp your way to the room only to find a guy tuning his guitar

“excuse me, are you mr kim jaehwan?”

the guy stops with the guitar and looks up at you

“yeah why?”

“the show starts in roughly 15 minutes so it would be good if you could make your way over to your waiting room now”

he just nods calmly and starts making his way out of the room and you feel a spark of irritation at that bc here was this guy who had blatantly gone against several rules and stressed you the heck out but now he’s walking out so calmly as if he has no idea what the impacts of his actions were

“i believe it was made clear yesterday that this area of the building is out of bounds for artists. it would be nice if you could follow the rules so that the show can run smoothly.”

he stops and turns behind to look at you and it angers you even more because he isn’t apologetic or surprised in the least,,,

in fact he is looking at you with so much amusement in his eyes and you gotta remind yourself that the safety of the artists’ is a priority bc if not for that you would have been ready to punch him right there and then

also he is staring at you for a lot longer than you thought necessary so now you’re also confused on top of everything else

“ok sorry i’ll take note from now on”

with that he leaves the room and you start giving yourself a pep talk telling yourself to drop it bc there are more important things you have to be doing right now

so that’s exactly what you do

you forget about this irritating guy and get back to preparing stuff for the show to start and then managing the artists once it does

by the time the entire festival is over it’s a little past midnight and you are dead tired

but work hasn’t ended though because you still have to make sure all the artists leave the building by 1.30am bc that’s how long you’ve rented the venue for

and so once more you are making your way around the artists’ rooms at close to 1.15am and you are relieved to find that most of them have left the building

you don’t have to care about what happens to them after that because your job description doesn’t have anything about that lol

anyways there you are checking the rooms one by one and making sure there’s no trash or whatever left behind

and when you get to jaehwan & sewoon’s waiting room what do you see?

that’s right, somehow they are both still there with all their stuff still strewn all over the room

what the heck

by this point you’re super tired and the show’s over anyways so you drop all formalities

“hey, we have to clear the building in like 15 minutes so can y’all pack up and get going? where’s your manager?”

to your horror jaehwan is looking at you super amused once again

like what’s so funny about you doing your job?

anyways they start slowly moving to pack their stuff after that and sewoon is polite enough to clarify that they’re late because their manager told them to wait til he gets the company car for them or whatever but since he hadn’t called them to tell them the car had reached they hadn’t left either

which meant that technically the fault wasn’t theirs, it was their shitty company’s

but even after the clarification you are inexplicably irritated with jaehwan just because of his damn amusement at you

once they’re done packing jaehwan turns to you (who’s still standing there bc you don’t trust them enough to leave in 10 mins if you aren’t there supervising) and stares at you for a second before going

“can we borrow your phone to call our manager?”

“what happened to your phones?”

“they’re out of battery”

“both of them???”

“yup”

obviously this is super suspicious and you can see sewoon looking at jaehwan in mild confusion as he pockets his own phone which probably still has charge

but with how downright exhausted you are, you just give up and pass him your phone if it means they’ll get the heck out of there asap

and so he calls their manager, and they leave soon after

you finish up with everything and head home

once your head hits your pillow you pass tf out 

and you are dead to the world for a solid 13 hours, which is exactly how you miss 3 texts from an unknown number

1- hey! this is jaehwan from yesterday if you remember? the guy who kept pissing you off lmao

2 - i think your name is y/n bc that’s what i saw written on your nametag

3 - so anyway i just wanted to know if you want to go out for coffee with me today?

once you read all three messages you’re like what the actual hecK?? you are so confused bc firstly, what?

secondly, WHAT????

how does he even have your number?? and he actually wants a date with you after yesterday???? is this a prank

and what was he so straightforward and confident for lmao especially after making your job so difficult yesterday

wtf how do you even have my number?

the reply is almost instantaneous

we used your phone to call our manager rmb

so coffee? or do you prefer tea

oh for god’s sake, what in the world is going on

his replies just piss you off even more so you just ignore him and carry on with your day

but boy, he’s persistent

he messages you again the next day

ok so seems like you didn’t want coffee yesterday so how about lunch today?

once again you ignore it bc wtf 

hey you know i can see you reading my messages

WTF are u stalking me???? where are u?? i’ll report u i swear

WHAT no i meant like the,, read,, sign, as in i know u read the msg bc of the read sign omg

oh lol. anyways no i don’t want lunch sry

your cold and outright rejection isn’t enough to stop him

tbh his messages aren’t creepy stuff that border on harassment

it’s just him always requesting for you to consider him and you repeatedly going ‘not now’ lmao

and this goes on for about a week

until it’s a saturday night and you’re having a lone night in looking for things to watch

when one of jaehwan’s messages pop up on your phone screen 

and before even reading it you find yourself swiping right to delete it when suddenly out of nowhere you remember that jaehwan is an artist

and after 5 minutes of pure conflict you decide that it wouldn’t be bad to search up and watch some of his stuff

so that’s exactly what you do

and you are totally surprised with what you see?

he has a lot of solo stuff separate from his songs with sewoon 

and in those solo songs it’s mostly just him and his guitar and wow,,,

you are reluctant to admit it but his voice is crazy good

it’s so soothing and powerful at the same time

the songs themselves are good too and you are even more surprised to find out that most of them were written fully by him

you’re mildly irritated by this the next morning but you actually fall asleep listening to his music bc that’s how nice it is

when you wake up, there’s yet another message from jaehwan

just in case you forgot, reminder to come to hongdae outside xx coffee shop later at 7pm if you want! i won’t contact you anymore if you come later and decide you still aren’t interested in me 

you’re like wtf what reminder before realising that you had deleted his previous message without reading it

the whole day you’re kinda confused about whether you should go or not because on one hand, you don’t even know this guy but on the other hand, you don’t have anything to lose

you still haven’t made a decision by the time it’s 7pm

and as you sit in your apartment, watching your clock’s hands tick past 7pm, then 7.10pm, you think back to the music you’d discovered yesterday night

and in a bout of spontaneity, you throw on a coat and a scarf and are out of your apartment and on the way to hongdae before you know it, hoping that it’s not too late

as you walk towards the cafe that jaehwan had mentioned, you hear a familiar voice echoing around the area

and as you turn the corner you are surprised to find jaehwan at the corner of the street, sitting on a stool with his guitar in his hands and a microphone in front of him, with a crowd of around a 100 people stood around him 

ah, you realise belatedly, he invited me to watch him busking

you hesitantly walk towards the back of the crowd, watching him as he finishes up the current song, not knowing whether he has spotted you yet

if you are being honest, his voice is even better in real life, and the fact that he is currently singing the song that you fell asleep to is enough to make your heart skip a beat or two

you stand there silently in the crowd, watching him sing the entire song

as the song fades out, he adjusts the microphone in front of him and scans the crowd

it would be an understatement to say that his eyes literally light up once they find yours

he then leans forward and into the mic, without ever breaking eye contact with you, and goes

“this next one is a cover of a song called crush, and it has all the things i want to say to you”

drop me an ask  or message me about what you think!!! thank u for reading <3

[nehasy]

Dance in the Darkness

This is my contribution to Esca-week 2017  with the prompt Light.  The original got eaten by my computer so hopefully this works well seeing as how it was a rush job.  \^_^  After reading the posts about name and personalities, I had to make a vicious little Guimel.

Characters Shesta and Guimel.  Warning, there is a little gore and violence.

****

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

T.S. Elliot

                 He could still hear the odd scream cut through the joyous cries of the gathering crows.  It still sounded so strange, so wrong to hear the sounds of such abject misery and horror alongside the laughter and cheers of victory.  They’d never mentioned that at the Academy; or the stink of the battlefield, how it wasn’t just the comforting tang of crima metal and guymelef oil.  Instead, those smells were overpowered by the reek of ruptured stomachs and the stench of blood.  It made him feel dizzy with every tainted breath he drew in, the thick smoke burning at his lungs, punishing him for daring to continue living when so many had fallen.

               The remains of a small market surrounded him.  Bright banners and curtains which once danced in the gentle morning breeze were now trampled underfoot or smoldering sullenly where they lay on the ground.  Goods from the area were strewn around haphazardly, knocked free from their displays when the people had panicked.  

               They hadn’t gotten far.  Everywhere he looked, he saw signs of their final moments.  Drying splashes of crimson sprayed across a wall, a crumpled figure behind a crushed stall, neither easily recognizable anymore.  His haunted blue eyes quickly skirted over a small form which lay by the side of a building in a spreading pool of crimson while a larger hand reached out towards it… the rest of the body was missing and he couldn’t bring himself to try to locate it.

               A glimmer of light caught his eye as he slunk through the carnage hunting for those unlucky enough to have survived.  Approaching cautiously, Shesta bent down and picked up a small piece of crystal someone had carved into the shape of a flower.  The stem had broken off when it had fallen, but the petals had remained intact.  The clear stone sparkled rather prettily as its edges caught the few shafts of sunlight which managed to fight their way through the darkened pall of their artificial night.  

               He hadn’t expected to find such beauty in amongst this horror, but it caused him to clutch it to his heart for a moment, cupping it protectively in his hands.

On the other side of the village, he could hear someone’s guymelef still crashing around and knocking over buildings.  The sound of mechanized laughter echoed over the din.  He only paused long enough to ensure it wasn’t the captains.  Dimly he figured that it was most likely André and Renard, two second string Dragonslayers who had a certain penchant for breaking anything that wasn’t theirs.  They’d complained to Gatti in their pre battle briefing about having to hold the perimeter rather than getting to take part in the initial attack… as if it was some sort of game.  Lord Dilandau must be in a good mood if he was letting them keep playing like that after the battle

Another crash shook the ground around him and a thick cloud of dust rose up, further blotting out the sun.  Only a few thin rays still cut through the smoke and grime the attack had filled the air with.  One final act of defiance in an otherwise defeated village, and even that was slowly failing.

Unable to handle any more of the horror, Shesta ducked inside the nearest building, wanting to put some sort of barrier between himself and the rest of the world.  His breath was coming in a short sharp rhythm, making his head spin and he knew that if any of his team saw him in this moment, he’d be mocked mercilessly for his weakness.  

Closing his eyes, he wiped a leather gloved hand across his brow, feeling the grit of ash and dirt mixing with sweat.  It was odd that the filth actually made him feel cleaner.  It let him pretend that he’d fought these frightened villagers with honour, giving them a chance to defeat him rather than sitting safe and secure in his guymelef, cutting them down as they ran.  

Sighing loudly, he turned around to take in his surroundings and froze in horror.  Empty brown eyes stared up at him, the spark of life faded from their depths as the light from a single narrow sunbeam danced across her face.  The playfulness of the light was juxtaposed against the grizzly scene, creating a certain surreal quality which forced Shesta to stare.  In the shadows, he could pretend that it was mud spattered across her body and sprayed across her delicate face but that single shaft of light shattered his illusion.  So brilliant and crimson, it stood out in stark contrast to her once warm golden skin.

               Long colourful skirts had tangled around youthful legs which might have previously been lithe and shapely but now were twisted and broken.  The beam which had crushed them still rested on her, smoldering sullenly in the shadows of the fallen ruins.  He imagined that her simple clothes had originally been a garish combination of yellow and blue, the sun and sky caught in the folks of her skirts.  Now they were bathed in crimson blood and darkened ash, the joy sucked out of them.

               “She wasn’t any older than us.”  Shesta murmured softly as he stared down at the broken body, his hands clenched tightly around the crystal flower which still glittered defiantly in his fists, the sharp edges pressing into the leather of his gloves.

               “And now she never will be.”  A voice echoed from behind him, sounding almost jovial.  The blonde turned around to see Guimel sitting on the remains of the window sill.  A few rebellious beams of early morning sun managed to cut through the smoke, bathing him in gold and making the boy look like something from a Cesarion manuscript.  

               The boy was the perfect picture of fallen innocence.  A slender wide eyed youth, his golden curls shining beautifully even as he sat there, surrounded by death and destruction, drinking it all in with every breath.  Blood soaked the front of his armour and stained his right hand.  Even a few locks of that golden hair bore crimson streaks, making Shesta wonder how many souls his friend had cut down before dawn had even broken over the doomed village.  A smudge of ash marred Guimel’s left cheek and brow where he’d wiped away some sweat, unnoticed amongst the gore.

               Despite the macabre markings which he bore with obvious pride, the smaller boy was utterly relaxed as he leaned against the empty wooden frame, one leg tucked up against his chest, the other dangling below, waving idly back and forth.  The lazy pose was ruined by the canny look in his eyes as he studied the scene around them.

               “You’re trying to sympathise with them again aren’t you?”  Guimel’s voice was voice soft and deceptively gentle sounding.  Tearing his gaze away from the body, Shesta swallowed nervously, suddenly feeling like he’d been caught doing something against the rules.

               In the distance, another building was toppled, causing the feeding crows to screech loudly in anger.  The low rumble followed by the sounds of shattering wood and mortar made him tense as he struggled to not imagine how many bodies were now buried beneath their ruined home.

               “Stop moping and join the rest of us for some fun.  Lord Dilandau is going to behead the mayor!  You don’t want to miss it.”  He understood that this was war, that these were the enemies… but did Guimel have to sound so pleased by that?  Honestly, sometimes he was sure that the curly haired menace enjoyed senseless violence almost as much as their captain.

               “She wasn’t a warrior.”  He found himself saying instead, turning back to watch the way the fading sun shone on the tears which stained the girl’s cheek.  “She was just a kid… like us.”

               “We’re not kids.”  Guimel growled, his eyes suddenly losing their innocent light as they narrowed dangerously.  He hopped off the ledge and walked over to the body, crouching down to study her with cold indifference.  “And you keep forgetting that there are no innocents here.”

               “Then where’s her armour?  Her sword? She was just a kid hiding in her home Guimel.  Hiding from us.”

               “Fat lot of good it did her.” The shorter Dragonslayer snorted absently, toeing at the girls arm with his foot.  “She should have tried to fight rather than dying like a coward.”

               Suddenly furious, Shesta spun around, glaring at his friend, his hand tightening around the crystal flower, the pressure threatening to crush the precious carving.

               “You don’t get it do you!?”  He snarled into the curly haired youths face.  “She’s dead for what?  Is this the bright future we’re fighting for?  How is this slaughter supposed to bring peace to Gaea?  How is it supposed to show the world how beautiful and wonderful Zaibach is?  This was just slaughter!  We’re supposed to better than that!”

               “No, you don’t get it.”  Guimel shot back.  “They were smuggling weapons to those raiders who’ve been harassing the border.  Those same raiders who put that little hamlet in the hills to the torch last month.  Remember them?  Ryuun certainly does, he had family there!”  The two boys glared at each other angrily, neither of them willing to give ground.

               “There’s only one way to achieve perfect peace and that’s by exterminating all the vermin who don’t know how to play nice with their neighbours.  Cesario has been raiding Zaibach for centuries and here you are getting all teary eyed because we’re finally hitting them back!”

               “And what does that prove about us?  They hurt us, so we hurt them back, now they’re going to want vengeance and strike back!  We’re not changing anything Guimel, we’re just making the situation worse!”

               “Not really.”  Guimel smirked, the expression clearly copied from their captain.  “They’re dead.  What are they going to do-”  His jeers were cut short by the sharp sound of an open palm hitting his face.  

For a long moment, there was only silence. Both boys stared at each other in utter shock.  Guimel cupped his cheek while Shesta stared at his offending hand, unable to believe that he’d just struck his friend.

“Guimel…”  He stammered out.  “I‘m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“YOU HIT ME!”  Guimel shrieked and launched himself at Shesta.  While he might have been the smaller of the two, his ferocity was both well-known and dreaded by his team.  In seconds, he’d knocked the taller blonde over onto his back and was pummeling him wildly with his armoured fists.  It was only the hours of intense training that kept Shesta from cracking open his skull on the stone floor, but that was little relief as he was now subject to a vicious rain of attacks.  Each one landed hard enough to leave the promise of deep bruises in their wake.  

Refusing to fight back against his friend, all Shesta could do was try to curl up protectively, holding his arms in front of his face as he tried to keep the other boy from hitting anything vital.

“DON’T. YOU. EVER. HIT. ME!”  The curly haired boy continued in his fury, each word punctuated by a heavy blow, leaving Shesta gasping for air.  “Why do you care so much about them?  Why waste a single tear on these barbarians!?  They’re animals!  Nothing but filthy disgusting animals who need to be taught how to behave like humans or die!”  

Several more bruising strikes landed on Shesta’s defensive form before Guimel heaved a heavy sigh and sat back, straddling his friends hips.  The smaller slayer was trembling slightly from the adrenaline, but the wave of violence seemed to have passed as quickly as it had struck.

“Ugh, it’s no fun if you don’t fight back you know.” He huffed softly, rocking his weight back as Shesta hesitantly opened up an eye, making sure that the attack was well and truly over.

“I’m sorry, I’ll try to make my next beating more entertaining for you.”  He ground out, hating how rough his voice sounded.  Giving a little kick, he shoved the now calm Guimel off of his hips and just lay there, trying not to think about the fact that he’d bumped into the girl’s body during the attack and now blood was likely soaking into his hair.  

“I just don’t understand why you’re so upset over this.”  Guimel finally said, giving his hand a negligent wave around the destroyed room, and likely meaning the village as well.  “They defied us.  Anyone who defies the Empire deserves to die.”

“Stop parroting the Captain.”  Shesta grumbled softly as he forced his now aching body to look down at his hand which had been holding the flower.  A strange deep sadness filled him as he saw that the petals had been broken off and several had been crushed to a fine glistening powder.

“Why?”  Guimel shot back.  “He’s brilliant.”

“Lord Dilandau only cares about fighting.  He doesn’t care about our perfect destiny, or bringing peace to Gaea.  He’s said that often enough.”

“So?  Everyone has their reasons for fighting.  He just happens to be the best warrior in Zaibach.  You should be flattered to be in his unit rather than crying over the enemy.” All Shesta could do was shake his head at his friends words.  “There should be more to it than that… It’s not right.”

Sighing softly, Guimel ran his fingers across his brow then combed them through his hair, not realizing that he’d just smeared a dark smudge of black ash into the golden curls.  

“Can I tell you something that Miguel told me?”

“Sure… but I’m not really in the mood to have a battle statistic quoted at me.”  Shesta managed a grudging smile, earning himself a rather rude hand gesture shot in his direction.

“He said, Tales tell of great battles won solely on the virtues of hope and love. They are the great candle in the darkness, the warmth that keeps the terror away. But tales are little more than lies dressed up as truths and they rarely survive true conflict.  Don’t cling too tightly to the light of the candle.  It’s too easily snuffed out in the storm of war, leaving you with a deep fear of the darkness.  Instead, embrace the darkness and make it a part of yourself.  In the darkness, you have nothing to lose, nothing to fear and in that emptiness you can do what needs to be done.  In the darkness, you can be strong, you can be safe. Be one with it and it will protect you. Dance in the darkness and know no fear.”

“That’s … morbid.”  Shesta wrinkled his nose slightly and shook his head as he finally forced himself to sit up.  “Was he drinking when he said that?”

“No you moron.”  Guimel lightly smacked his arm.  “It means that you shouldn’t beat yourself up about the bad things that happen in war.  Stop trying to be the hero carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. War is hard.  It’s dark, gritty and cruel.  Accept it, do what you need to do and move on.  It’s the only way to be at peace with yourself.  If you don’t, you’ll tear yourself apart.”

“He couldn’t’ just say that?”

“Hey, you know how Miguel gets.”  Sighing heavily, Guimel stood up and turned around to offer Shesta a hand up.  “Come on, if we’re late Lord Dilandau will kick both our asses.”  

Nodding his head, Shesta accepted the proffered hand and pulled himself to his feet with a slight grunt of pain.  Taking a moment to straighten out his uniform, he then turned to look back down at the girl’s body.  The sun’s light was quickly becoming overwhelmed by the surrounding smoke, choking out the few remaining beams and bathing her body in shadows.  

Reaching down, he gently placed the crushed crystal flower on the ground next to her, watching for a moment as it sparkled playfully in the fading light.  Sadness welled up inside him again but he resolutely pushed it aside and faced his friend.

Together, they walked out the ruins of the door. Up above their heads, the thick smoke choked out the last of the suns light, reducing it to little more than a sullen orange disk drowning in the darkness they had brought.

isin��S �k

[eugenefischer]

On Bryce Milligan and Hailey Laine Johnson

Bryce Milligan is an author, musician, and publisher—the founder of Wings Press in San Antonio, Texas, where he’s been a ubiquitous figure in the municipal literary scene since 1977. You can read about his many endeavors in the extremely lengthy professional biography on his website. Perhaps the only part of his career you wouldn’t learn from that bio is the time he spent as a high school teacher, leading the Creative Writing program at the North East School for the Arts. This lacuna is notable due to the circumstances of his departure from that position. He was offered, and took, the opportunity to resign about three quarters of the way through 2001-02 school year, rather than be terminated for inappropriate relations with a student. I know about it because that was my senior year as a NESA Creative Writing major, and he was my teacher.

The student in question was Hailey Laine Johnson, and she has gone public about the experience on Facebook. Her account is embedded below. I’d encourage you to read it before continuing to the rest of this post.



I was told about Hailey’s post by another former high school classmate, one who thought I might wish to defend Bryce’s reputation. That was a reasonable supposition given my attitude back then, but an incorrect one. My feelings about Bryce Milligan have changed in the seventeen years since I was seventeen. I wasn’t present for most of the events that Hailey describes in the post, but I had my own interactions with Bryce, ones that from an adult perspective are perfectly consonant with everything she wrote. I want to share those experiences, and explain how profoundly I think Bryce Milligan transgressed.

Bryce took over the Creative Writing program at the start of my junior year, and immediately won over the students with his easygoing affect and aura of literary importance. All the books he had written. The books he had published. The writers he knew and the awards they had won. When Bryce arrived, the Creative Writing program seemed to transform from a quirky, special-topics English class into a gateway to life among the literati. He was a cool teacher; a guitar-toting, Dylan-quoting free spirit who spoke to us with rare candor. One who made us feel like peers more than pupils, and carried himself as sort of guru, initiating us into our authorial futures. To me, a teenager aching for the seriousness of adult regard, this was intoxicating. When I was sixteen years old, an authority figure need only validate me as an intellectual equal to win me over completely.

By my senior year, though, I had doubts. Not about the propriety of Bryce’s behavior, alas, but the wisdom of it. His social closeness with students went so far beyond the public high school norm that I started to worry for him. I felt that a teacher sharing so much of his life with students was inadvisable, but was at the same time thrilled to be treated as a confidant by a successful elder and mentor. I remember one day, during lunch (many of us spent lunch in his portable classroom), he beckoned me over to show me his hat. On the sweatband, in neat ballpoint handwriting: Hi, Bryce! 

“Laine wrote that,” he said, his voice buoyant with delight, “Can you believe that girl? She’s amazing!” Laine was a new freshman, fourteen-year-old Hailey Laine Johnson, and Bryce was swooning. I don’t know if that was the first time I told him that if he carried on as he was he would get fired, but it was certainly one time. And not the last.

As senior year wore on I got increasingly angry at him. Angry for selfish reasons; if he got himself ousted over some new girl, it would fuck up the rest of my senior year. But his obsession seemed only to grow, and hazy rumors of questionable behavior began to spread. One of the times I told him he needed to cut it out or else lose his job, he responded, “She’s a muse, E.J. Even if I do get fired, it’s worth it. This has given me enough for ten years of writing.”

Those words have echoed in my mind ever since, as I’ve aged, progressed through school, become an educator myself. Each time I’ve remembered them, the more predatory a violation of the boundaries between teacher and student they’ve seemed. I’ve seen their shadow in my vision whenever I’ve encountered a misuse of the power that comes from standing at the front of a classroom. A visiting instructor is sowing resentment among his class by showing obvious favoritism? She’s a muse. A graduate TA with a history of violence is dating one of her students—again—and no one seems to care? Muse. My personal metonym for all the ways one can reveal themselves to be unworthy of pedagogical authority.

But at seventeen, the structure of this violation wasn’t clear to me. What was clear was that a man I looked up to was doing something stupidly reckless, and endangering my high school experience for no good reason. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted Bryce to stop romanticizing, I wanted the aggrieved to stop complaining, I wanted Creative Writing class to go back to being an uncomplicated good thing that I could feel special for being a part of.

If you read Hailey’s post, you know more details of Bryce’s unconscionable extracurricular behavior than I did at the time. I avoided the rumors. I kept myself willfully ignorant of any available details. But, of course, others did not. The situation became a quiet scandal. The administration got involved. Parents got involved. Other students got involved. (It’s my behavior toward another student at that time I most regret. My classmate, Laura, spoke out against Bryce. I condescendingly criticized her for increasing the likelihood of our school year being disrupted—the one time I remember actively privileging my own convenience over Hailey’s experiences. Laura quite rightly told me to fuck off. We were never really friends again.)

I already told you how this ends. Bryce was given the option to resign rather than be fired for cause. It’s possible he courted the sympathy of his superiors the same way he did from me, by saying, “If I were to be fired for this reason, my wife would leave me.” I don’t know. I do know, though, that shortly before his resignation he spoke to my parents at their house, wanting to give his side of the story. My mother reports Bryce to have explained that it was physically impossible for him to have done anything wrong in his relationship with Hailey, because, you see, he was impotent due to his alcoholism. My mother, herself a lifelong educator, was as unimpressed by this excuse as one might imagine. She informed him there are lines a teacher simply doesn’t cross, and wrote a letter to the school.

Bryce resigned. The administration avoided public incident. Time passed. The students grew up. I grew up to decide that it’s super fucking creepy when men in their forties weave elaborate aesthetic justifications for blatant, doe-eyed crushes on fourteen-year-old girls. Hailey grew up into someone with the bravery to share the details of how Bryce Milligan used his muse—a process that I now know involved prolonged grooming and sexual harassment of a minor. The person she describes, with his gifts,  exhortations, and “artistic” fetishization, is one that I recognize. It’s a shape that fits seamlessly alongside my own experiences of the man. I believe all of it.

Originally this post ended with the previous paragraph, but now I have more to add. I reached out to Hailey and we spent the afternoon chatting. She mentioned that Bryce had contacted her after her initial post. She put up a video about that experience. During our conversation, she also shared his message with me, and gave me permission to publish it:

Let’s take this apart. He opens with “I’m so very sorry for what happened,” but follows that up with an intriguingly ambiguous “I’ve rarely set foot in a classroom since because of it.” Why has he rarely done so? Because he can’t trust himself in such a situation not to take advantage of young girls? Because doing so risks exposure of that which had been successfully kept quiet? More importantly, what is he sorry for, his behavior during “what happened,” or the limiting consequences thereof on his ability to teach?

If one didn’t believe Hailey, one might read his avoidance of classrooms to mean he feels he must protect himself from future false accusation, but Bryce himself undermines that reading in the next line. “I know there is nothing I can do to make it up to you” he writes, indicating he believes himself to have transgressed in some manner. But having made this admission, he backpedals. He recalls theirs being a vaguely innocuous relationship that was “about creativity,” and implies that if Hailey believes otherwise it’s the result of post-hoc rationalization. Despite this insinuation that any abuse of power on his part was all in her head, Bryce follows by saying that, whatever he did in service of “creativity,” it’s something for which he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Not that it stops him from immediately requesting forgiveness anyway. Taken at face value, that’s an example of entitlement so stark it could almost serve as a definition—”I feel I’ve an inherent right to request you give me something of which I am objectively undeserving.” But I think it ought not be taken at face value.

This message, with its blend of nonspecific apology, blanket denial, and plea for immediate absolution, reads to me not as contrition but as damage control. It’s an attempt to make a problem go away. I wrote previously that the experiences Hailey described in outing Bryce Milligan’s abuses fit seamlessly with my own memories of his inclination for self-centered romanticizing of teenage students as fuel for his artistic life. I include this addendum because it goes beyond assurances from adolescent memory. If one believes Hailey, as I do, the intent behind this message is clear. If one does not believe Hailey—as I already know some who will be reading this don’t—then this message forces one to ask how exactly Bryce believes himself to have wronged her that he should seek a forgiveness for which he assesses himself undeserving.

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