#and they refused to understand who she was as a person. they emotionally neglected her. they shamed her for being a normal teenaged girl

[tigersharkapologist]

Marcus Acacius Headcanons

headcanons and some au stuff dump⊹ ࣪ ˖

TW: mentions of child abuse and murder 𓃦

General Marcus Acacius 𓅂

- Please get this man a vacation. He’s exhausted, he’s tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

- He has a broken toe he never addressed because it just?? stopped hurting??

- He has a very bad habit. When he does get these vacations, he tends to abuse them and literally does nothing but bedrot, like he literally wont even bathe unless Lucilla hounds him.

- Burnout induced procrastination and laziness final boss

- He grew up in a relatively larger household, four siblings including himself. All were sisters (this is largely why he knows how to be a decent and faithful husband).

- He actually heavily disliked Lucilla at first. It was mostly because Lucilla was, understandably, still grieving Maximus and her son, but often times that anger was directed towards him.

- they worked their difficulties and misunderstandings out through the wonderful mystical skill that is critical thinking and communication. You know. Like adults. (the rest of the Roman elite cannot say the same, I fear).

- Acacius always wanted children with Lucilla, but Lucilla always refused because she was still torn and ruined from the loss of her son.

- Of course this saddened him greatly, but he understood. He could only imagine what that kind of pain is like—probably far more than what he’s feeling.

- Lucilla is beefing with his sisters. Why? Acacius doesn’t know and frankly he doesn’t really want to? He’s far too stressed, which is understandable. You try not being haunted by the wails of grieving “barbaric” mothers and fathers watching the corpses of their sons being burned by Roman soldiers under your command. You probably wouldn’t sleep well, either.

- The General has great respect for Julius Caesar, he ordered the Medusa head to be molded into his cuirass in honor of him and his successes as one of Rome’s finest generals to ever live. (In one of his busts, Julius Caesar’s cuirass had Medusa on it so this fanboy got inspired).

- Acacius is a reader. Loves to read fiction, especially. It allows him to escape the stresses of his life and become immersed into the world of whatever genre he’s reading.

- Astronomy as a hobby! He likes the stars, he thinks they’re pretty. A petname he has for Lucilla is Stella.

- He’s very intelligent and extremely educated. Sure he was technically a nepo baby, like most of Rome’s elite, but he genuinely used his academics and intellectual prowess to get to where he is. He somewhat regrets his position now.

- As much as he just wants to ring the young twins by the neck some of the times—most of the times— he can’t help but feel extremely bad for them. Everyone close to the Septimius household knew of the horrors those two had to go through in their most vulnerable, innocent years. They are lacking in love and mercy because they were not given that by their parents. They lack education because of that same reason. Education is very important to Acacius (if he were emperor, all citizens of Rome would be given an education), and he strongly believes if they were to only receive a solid education, they wouldn’t be making half of the mistakes that they are making now. And the lack of parental love? It hurts him personally as someone who wants children desperately. He couldn’t fathom how someone could neglect their children, their own blood in such a way. (he does not know about the chronic beatings, all he heard about was that they were ignored). Acacius will never defend the emperors’ wrongdoings ever, but looking at their lives every now and then is a nice reminder of how blessed he was to grow up in a loving household. The part that really breaks his heart is how young they are to be suffering like this. However, they are adults now, they are expected to act and behave a certain way, to make the right decisions with the power they hold.

- Regardless, he fights for Rome and her people, and the two have been a threat. You can’t blame him for trying to start a coup against the Septimius twins, even if it was done with a heavy heart.

- Like the emperors, Acacius has always been antsy around the Praetorian Guard. Something about them irks him. To be honest, those freaks creep out the majority of the Roman elite, even the Senate who seem to favor them. All they do is stare and watch from the shadows. Acacius swears they’re incapable of blinking. Sure they’re physically weaker and shorter than the cavalry he commands, but that didn’t matter when he was sure they could kill you with only a single stare. He doesn’t believe in ghosts but he wouldn’t be surprised if the Praetorian were just made up of vengeful spirits. And if not spirits, the offspring of mars himself.

- Acacius was there in the audience when the Praetorians betrayed Caesar Commodus under Praefectus Quintus’ command. Now, he thought it was a very noble act (as Commodus was a man who should have never been given power in the first place), but the way they were so detached and how easily they just let their emperor die spooked him a twinge. Do they simply not care about who they’re supposed to protect? If they were so easy as to let the emperor die in the ring, what does that say about their loyalty to the Roman people? He knows Quintus personally, he’s a good man with a solid head on his shoulders. But what of his guard? Acacius isn’t too sure about them. As a highly respected General, it would only be his duty to keep an extra eye on them

- Those who speak poorly about the Praetorian best wish that they weren’t being listened to by them. Like corvids, they hear one bad word, one little slight, and the entire guard 400+ strong will know about it by the end of the night. They like to gossip and protect their own. Scary Alt Kid Mean Girl Gang who will Probably Kidnap You. Being on the Praetorian’s radar is quite bad for your health.

- Just in case they might be listening to his prattles to senators where they would discuss the Praetorian, which chances are they were, he refers to them as “aureus”. A fitting name, well, insult. Not as strong and mighty as his wolfish cavalry, but deadly and crafty in their own right. And if those jackals were listening, they’d probably confuse “aureus” as “Aurelius”, Commodus’ father. Hopefully. Maybe. Yeah probably.

- Enough of those spooks, Acacius can play instruments!! And he often does for his lady. He’s rather exceptional with the lute!

- He’s not the only general who’s sick and tired of the warring. There are people to feed, homes to build. They need the tax money that the twins are spending for their Golden Parties and Colosseum events. Unfortunately, Acacius was the only one with enough mettle to try and do something about it.

- He miraculously survived the arrow strike brought on by the Praetorians (SHUT UP he lived lets just say his cuirass was actually made out of freaking titanium LET ME HAVE THIS Vomits Cries Sobs Commits Third Degree Arson Eats You Chews You Spits You Out)

- Yeah it was that day forward he developed a permanent dislike toward the Praetorian. He didn’t care if they were “just doing their jobs” if it were him he wouldn’t have fired that arrow. Either the Praetorian were literally sheep or they had cracked out that “aureus” referred to them. Regardless Acacius KNOWS that they aren’t afraid of the twin emperors. They could kill the two in their sleep easy. Who’s going to arrest the praetorians if they disobeyed the emperors’ command to fire? Themselves? Acacius is hellbent that it was personal because they had all authority to not fire those arrows.

- Acacius may be becoming a sort of conspiracy theorist?? An attempt at your life that nearly succeeds would make you paranoid, too. He thinks the twins and the Praetorian had it out for him before the coup attempt even happened, that all they needed was a reason to get rid of him.

- He was going to confront Quintus about it because why would he ever let that happen under his watch? Apparently Quintus was literally outside of Roman boarders to visit family in Graecia (Graecia is its own country in this au, Caesar Aurelius gave them full freedom from Rome temporarily. Aurelius only kept Graecia absorbed by Rome because he thought their people would do better under Roman rule, but gave them that temporary freedom of power just to see how they would do (he’s rather fond of them and their culture, also the Graecian senate convinced him to). But eventually, following his death and the rise of Commodus, that deal was forgotten. And Commodus didn’t really care about Graecia as his attention was on his own Senate. And after he died, Septimius was going to reabsorb Graecia but got murdered. And after he died, Caracalla and Geta both have no idea Graecia isn’t apart of Roman rule anymore—they are solely focused on southeastern conquest. So Graecia is just its own thing for now.).

- So yeah Acacius hates those black and purple blue bloods.

- So does Lucilla because these two are power couple to the max. She trusts her husband’s instincts far more than some armored fellow in a dark corner staring into space while listening to everyone’s conversations.

- Acacius likes flowers! His favorite are Gladiolus, as they remind him of his Lucilla. Whenever he sees them on boarder patrols, he’ll pick some for his lady.

- It was these same flowers that Lucilla put in a vase for him on his nightstand when he was in the Medicus’ office. Out of distrust in the emperors, they used the office far away from the palace. Many had come to pay their respects and thanks to their hero General. It made him regret his job just a little less. Just a little.

- Lucilla stayed by his side until full recovery, telling him about how he’s technically the step-father to Lucius. (Oh yeah Lucilla lives too because Geta’s death didnt occur in this au)

- He was actually very excited because Lucius is the biological son of Maximus, someone Acacius respects fully. But he’s worried that Lucius would never accept him to fill in that role, which is understandable. Lucius has been hurt by Rome too many times, the last thing he needs is a constant reminder of what was taken from him in favor of a cheap replacement. These are the things Acacius would think about in and out of consciousness.

- Poor Acacius has been very cruel to himself lately, as you can see.

- Lucilla would often sing to him to cool his thoughts. He loves his scary wife.

- They own two Borzois. One is named Gelu, the other is Nivis. They are sisters! They’re very good girls and are loyal to their owners. Gelu is far nicer than her sister, as Nivis is rather wary of others. They like to run along the palace walls in a blur. They are very polite but don’t let that fool you, they just want whatever snack they think you have.

- Acacius is very fond of Gelu and Nivis, he considers them the children he’s never had.

- Before this whole fiasco and all of the life threatening drama (the first year of the twin emperor’s ruling, so when the two were 17), Gelu and Nivis were given freedom to run around the whole palace, including the Executive Floor (where the emperors roam). Unfortunately, Acacius had no idea about Caracalla’s apparent crippling fear of dogs, because when Caracalla saw the two white blurs charging toward him, their tails wagging and barking playfully—he had a full blown panic attack and mental breakdown. He almost had a heart attack, too. Completely. Everyone on the Executive Floor made a b-line towards the shrill cries of horror. Geta was FAST, say what you want about him but this guy can sprint. He got there first. He expected to see pools of blood and gore, but only saw Gelu and Nivis licking Caracalla’s fingers while he was screaming. It may be funny to you but it was terrifying to Caracalla. His brother ushered the dogs away so the Medicus could get to him. When the Medicus, with the help of Dondas, calmed down the shaken emperor, Caracalla demanded that both dogs be put down by their owner effective immediately. Acacius was heart broken, but Geta stepped in. He deemed that the dogs were not at fault whatsoever, there was no attack and it was all a misunderstanding. Gelu and Nivis have been pardoned, however, they were strictly prohibited from ever leaving Acacius’ part of the Palace. To Geta, Caracalla’s health comes first, always.

- Acacius wonders if that incident caused a permanent mistrust within Caracalla. He remembered how quick the twin was to arm himself with a gladius and charge at him to protect his brother when the secret about Acacius’ coup came out. Poor kid. But Acacius didn’t feel bad about that coup attempt at all. In fact, looking back. he probably should have used Gelu and Nivis to scare off Caracalla and separate two. Sure, they couldn’t fight at all, they had zero fighting skills. But if they were apart, it would make the attempt much easier, and possibly successful.

- These are the thoughts he would have while in recovery. What he could’ve done differently. What could have changed? Well, as far as he was concerned, the twins were still in power. But at least he had his queen.

- Acacius has many different cuirasses and uniforms all for different occasions (also he likes many different color pallets). His second favorite is the ceremonial white and gold, but his first favorite has colors that Lucilla said complimented well. And, boy, does Lucilla have a fine taste. This uniform is mostly starch black, with cherry red as a secondary color and gold highlights here and there. It’s bold, it’s intimidating and it’s beautifully handsome on him. He likes to wear it in his spare time :)

- Sort of kind of separate from Acacius. Higher ranking guards, cavalry, Generals, Captains, Praetorian/Praefectus and, of course, Emperors have full design authority over their cuirasses. They can choose any molding they want on there, usually done to represent themselves and their personality. Acacius chose Sphynxes because they represent wisdom and strength, things he needs—well he hopes he has—as a general. The Sphynx is also a nod to Maximus, as the Medusa head is a nod to Julius Caesar. Maximus chose horses to represent his ability to endure and stand for justice; a noble and strong beast. Etc. Some of the more boisterous men enjoy keeping it plain as to not distract from the abs. Very classy.

- Yes, they get full design authority on helmets, too

[meenawrites]

Humanized Spider Thoughts Pt2

Kiri manages to bring Spider back to shore and her and Neteyam just immediately curl protectively around him. They take him back to the village and understandibly, at first Ronal wants nothing to do with having him there. Jake tries to vouch for him but it's the kids that really get to her. Kiri and Lo'ak argue so hard for him, Tuk is clutching onto his arms that hangs limply from where Jake's holding him in his arms, and Neteyam... it's Neteyam that really convinces her because she's never seen him look so angry and fierce about anything in all the time she's known him. He's always been calm and collected and agreeable and seeing him so protective over this Sky child makes her relent if only until he wakes up. 

Neteyam refuses to get medical treatment for his shot shoulder unless Spider is there next to him, he refuses to have him out of his sight. Kiri agrees and Ronal is forced to treat him while he has one arm around Spider who is still passed the fuck out. 

Ronal does actually check on Spider because she's a Tsahik after all and she can't just leave a kid looking like that even if he is a Sky person. So she inspects him under Kiri and Neteyam's watchful eyes. Spider's kind of lost all appetite because of everything so he's lowkey kind of malnourished, fatigued despite how much he's sleeping because he's just emotionally in distress constantly. She can tell he's not mentally well at all and it tugs at her mother's instinct despite not knowing him. 

He does eventually wake up. Kiri goes to hug him immediately but he flinches away as soon as it looks like she's gonna touch his hair. He can't bear to have her look at him, or anyone for that matter, it makes his skin itch. He just wants to crawl into a hole and never be seen again. It breaks Kiri's heart because all she wants to do is touch him and make sure he's real and hug him until he melts into her. Neteyam convinces her to give him some space. He knows how tight they are and can tell that Spider just can't accept her affection at the moment. 

Neteyam goes all protective older brother on him. He doesn't let anyone touch him, he's constantly by his side. He doesn't touch Spider unless Spider lets him. Once Kiri tell him that his mom made the cut on Spider's chest, she doesn't even let her into Spider's vicinity even when she comes to check on her own son. He makes sure Spider eats, inspects all his food so that he can actually eat it, and is just overall incredibly patient with him. He coaxes him out of his night terrors gently and just makes sure that Spider knows he has a choice in every single interaction they have. 

Kiri comes to see Spider every day and she can only really interact with him under specific conditions. She's not allowed to look at him no matter how much she wants to so she usually sits with her back to him, especially for the first week or so and either just stays there with him or talks to him gently. 

Lo'ak comes to see him by bringing him food and blankets and water. He doesn't really know what to do for him so he lets Neteyam handle it. He's never spotted too far from the marui Spider and Neteyam are in though. 

Neteyam doesn't let Jake in either. If his parents want to talk to Neteyam, he goes to see them and then Kiri is left on Spider watch for that period of time.

Ronal and Tonowari have never seen a Sky child, let alone anyone who seemed so damaged and fragile. She's impressed by how protective and on top of things Neteyam is and she and her mate become curious about the kid. Because ultimately he is a kid and seeing something so wrong with him makes their strong parental hearts ache. They end up finding out bits and pieces about how he grew up, how neglected he was and how he was left to be captured without any rescue attempt and they just get so angry. Kiri is the one to fill them in on a lot of this because she seems to be the one to have the strongest connection to the boy and she's so angry for him that everything she at least knows about comes spilling out of her. 

Tonowari and Ronal are shocked to their core and it takes everything in Tonowari to stop Ronal from stomping over there to cuss them out on how they treated a CHILD. Sky child he may be, but she's learned a lot since accepting the Sully's into the village and first and foremost, all children are a gift from Eywa. Spider was born on Pandora and is by all means one of them and yet he was treating so terribly that he was decomposing in front of her eyes. 

Norm and Max try to come and assess him, but Spider freaks out upon seeing the equipment they have with them and Neteyam turns them away at the door and goes to calm him down. He doesn't touch him or look at him, but he sits close to Spider, letting him know that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do, but Neteyam is worried about him and just wants to make sure everything's okay, that's the only purpose of their visit. If Spider doesn't want it, it's fine. Spider eventually calms down and kind of leans his shoulder into Neteyam, saying that they can come in but he doesn't want them to touch him. 

Neteyam ends up being the one to use the equipment on Spider as they scan him over with a bioscanner and see all the raging abnormal activity in his brain. They can't get Spider to say what they did to him other than him fiercely repeating that he didn't tell them anything over and over. But he doesn't need to because Norm and Max recognize the technology. It had been in research while they were still with the RDA but ultimately the project had been stopped because it was deemed too unethical. Yet here was the evidence of it. 

Ronal insisted on being there because a protectiveness over this kid is building in her chest and once she understands what was done, she's just so enraged, nothing can stop her now from marching to the Sully marui and yelling at them about what they let a child suffer through. A child that according to Jake had grown up with his kids and was a 'good kid' and yet he, as Olo'eyktan, had abandoned one of his clan's own children and fled like a coward. It was his duty as leader to protect the People and he had deemed one of them disposable, a child! Neytiri balks under the accusation and is like he's not one of us but Ronal won't have it, and honestly shuts Neytiri up when she can't help but tell them about the forced tsaheylu Spider was forced to go through, that he didn't break. 

Spider's brain is determined to be way too active like it's just on fire. (I don't know the logistics of what it did exactly but I'll try my best). His brain desperately needs calming waves so Max and Norm give him an alpha stim to be used at least twice a day for an hour on its highest setting. Ronal also comes and creates a paste out of certain relaxing herbs, makes Spider switch to a nasal cannula and spreads paste across his forehead and temples, rubbing it into his skin. Spider spends the next week or so just sleeping and eating and being hooked up to this machine, just letting his brain rest. It's during this time that he eventually lets people touch him. It's Neteyam first. 

He's keeping himself busy while Spider is hooked up to the alpha stim by mending some nets Aonung has brought him when Spider kind of rolls over to face him willingly. Neteyam is careful not to actually look at him, but he can see Spider watching him intently from the corner of his eyes, so he eventually turns carefully and locks eyes with him. Spider twitches a bit at the direct eye contact  but just kind of wordlessly holds a hand out to him. He hates being looked at and hates being touched but at the same time his captivity with the RDA has made him so much more touch starved than he was before that he needs it, and Neteyam has done nothing but make him feel safe and always ask if he was okay. Neteyam immediately takes his hand and gives it a small squeeze. Spider's eyes well up but he closes them and just falls asleep like that, holding his big brother's hand. 

Kiri is next. Neteyam is out doing some physical therapy so she's on Spider watch. Neteyam told her about Spider's progress but she's still careful with him, so she sits with her back to him as always and busies herself with sorting through shells she'd collected from the ocean floor with Tuk. She wanted to share the beauty of the ocean with Spider in whatever way she could so she picked the ones she thought he'd like best and started putting them behind her so he knew it was for him, talking to him all the while about her discovery of the ocean. It pains her deeply to see her best friend like this, she always has to keep herself from crying when she comes here, but she puts on a brave face for him and everything he endured for her family when all he was met with was betrayal. But then she feels something warm against her back and she realizes he's leaning against her. His slowly growing curls brush her shoulder and she can tell how hard he's trying not to pull away from the tension she feels in his shoulder. 

It makes her tear up anyway and she stays there and lets him approach her however he wants while she keeps talking in a choked up voice, passing him shells. Eventually their hands brush as she gives him another. He flinches but doesn't pull away. Eventually his fingers slowly graze against her palm and he very gingerly slips his fingers between hers. Her hands have honestly felt so empty during these months while they weren't together. They were usually always touching somehow, tied at the hip, and being apart from him had killed her, to be unable to touch him and hold his hand. It was the experience of living off of only their shared memories while she was with the Metkayina that made her realize what her feelings towards him really were but she can't burden him with that as he slowly trying to reconstruct his sense of self. 

She takes his hand and it takes everything in her not to turn around and hold him. He'd been stripped of all choice and he had to choose this now, when and how to reconnect. But they have the whole day together so eventually Spider isn't content with just holding her hand anymore. It was his memories with Kiri and her smile and touch more than anything that had kept him somewhat sane during his months of capture, and getting just a taste of her touch wasn't enough, not when he'd missed her like a missing limb. So he eventually tells her to turn around, twice because she wants to make sure he's okay with it. She does slowly, and keep her gaze cast downwards at first, which he appreciates. He holds both her hands and leans forward to rest his forehead on her shoulder. He still hates his hair and letting anyone or anything near it but his need to be touched and held wins out. She asks if she can touch his hair and he's surprised to find himself agreeing. 

So Kiri's hands find his scalp, and her fingers gently scrunch his short curls. Spider hates feeling so fucking fragile about someone just touching his hair, but he does. If Kiri weren't handling it all–him– so gently, he'd probably want to run away. She nuzzles her face against the side of his, one of her hands slipping down to his back to encircle it. And it feels so good. 

Kiri can't help it anymore and she sobs apology after apology, expresses how much she missed him. Spider ends up crying and says the same to her, that he missed her like missing a part of him and he thought about her all the time. 

Eventually Neteyam comes back later than he'd wanted to and finds Kiri and Spider curled up in the center of the marui together, facing each other and glued to each other wherever he can see. Kiri's tail is wrapped tightly around his midriff and his head is tucked into the crook of her neck while her hands are curled almost protectively around his hair. 

Neteyam honestly tears up seeing it and has to step outside to cry. He hadn't showed it, but watching Spider be so afraid and such a shell of the boy he used to be and being so patient and quiet with him had been incredibly difficult for him. He's still a kid too for Eywa's sake and he had been holding it together for the boy as best as possible. He was always so enraged at his parents but also with himself for not having protested the decision to leave Spider behind, for not having insisted they go back for him or tried to rescue him himself even if it would have been futile. 

After learning that Kiri had been entirely accepted by Spider again, no one can hold Tuk back anymore. She'd been held off for weeks from seeing Spider because they didn't think he would be able to handle her energy and she didn't really understand what's going on with him. All she knows is that Spider looks different and he's hurt and she's missed him so much but no one will let her see him. So she slips away from Lo'ak, who was supposed to be watching her, and barrels into the marui Spider is in before he can catch her. Spider is caught off guard and Neteyam and Kiri aren't able to catch her in time before she launches herself at Spider's chest. 

Spider's frozen for a moment while Neteyam and Kiri try to pry her off of him, but then winds up hugging her back. She's just a little kid and he's always been a pushover for the girl and it feels so good that she isn't treating him any differently. Her energy and boisterousness enlivens his spirit. And careless as she is, she grabs his head to look at his short hair when he eventually lets go of him and he braces himself. But all she does is pull it this way and that and say with awe, "Your hair is so pretty and golden. It looks like the spirit grass at the Cove of Ancestors. I'll show it to you!" It makes Spider cry, which is something Tuk's never seen before and it freaks her out a bit wondering what she did wrong so then she starts crying and it's just a cry fest. 

By the way, I know this is so disorganized but bear with me. Ronal has been coming to see Spider every day, re-applying the calming paste on his forehead, making note of the food he could eat and enjoyed from Neteyam and providing it for him. Tonowari has stopped in as well under the pretext of the fact that he's Olo'eyktan and needs to check up on the human's progress but really he's just worried about the kid. As they see Spider recover more and more, they start spending more time with Spider in the marui (with at least one or two of the Sully siblings there with him of course). Tonowari starts telling him stories about the ocean and its creation while Ronal kind of tough loves him and brings him stuff to do like net mending or weaving seaweed or whatever repetitive activity she can find that quiets her mind that she thinks would be beneficial for him. Spider is thoroughly confused about their behavior but he loves learning about the Na'vi obviously and he doesn't question it for a while, trying to soak up all the information he can. 

Lo'ak also gets shoved in by Kiri eventually so that they can face each other properly. Spider musters up a genuine smile for Lo'ak and that's all it takes for the kid to start ugly sobbing to the point that Spider has to get up and hug and comfort him while Kiri calls him a skxawng. 

Obviously, Spider's been sitting still for way too long and Ronal kind of forces him outside to get exercise. She starts leading his physical therapy herself, often joined by Tsireya, and growls at any clan member who even so much as looks at him wrong. Obviously they start in the water since that's always a good way to get back into moving. Him and Tsireya became quite close during this time. Kiri helps too and takes him walking along the beach until he can't anymore. When he's too tired he'll sit and build sand castles in the sand with Tuk or string shells together into necklaces. 

Eventually he starts getting better, laughing more, being a bit more carefree, getting back to the boy they knew and loved. With the help of Tsireya Kiri finds plants that can create a paint similar to that she used to use on him in the forest and starts painting his stripes again. He eventually feels comfortable enough to take off his stupid tank top and then cuts his cargo pants into shorts. 

He lets his hair grow out. Ronal surprisingly just starts taking care of it for him. Lathering it in oils that protect from the saltwater and cleaning it. By this point he's become super comfortable with her and Tonowari so yeah it surprises him but it's so nice to feel so welcomed. 

And I haven't worked all day because of this AU so I need to go but I'll hopefully come back with a part 3 later. 

[soliloqueeer]

challengers meta (headcanons & character analysis)

i'm writing a challengers fic at the moment so i've been trying to come up with a lot of ideas for these characters.

for art: I imagine art growing up in a mixed-class family. his parents are divorced, with a rich, distant father and a middle-class, hardworking mother. his father’s main contribution to art’s life is paying for his tennis academy tuition, a gesture meant to mirror his own college tennis days. eager to impress his father and gain his attention, art strives to excel both academically and in tennis, while also inheriting a strong work ethic from his mother. his grandmother, who is his father's mother, is one of his biggest supporters, enjoying watching him play tennis and encouraging his pursuits. i see him growing up in the sacramento suburbs or something.

patrick: i think patrick comes from an extremely wealthy family in upstate new york. his father is the CEO of a large company, and his mother works in real estate. he has an older sister who is the golden child of the family, who's several years older and now a successful doctor. i believe patrick’s parents are emotionally neglectful, sending him off to boarding school and eventually just sort of giving up on him. despite this, Patrick is naturally gifted at tennis, achieving significant success from a young age. however, this early success has led to an inflated ego and a sense of invincibility, which he struggles with as an adult. i could see one factor of him refusing money from his parents is perhaps due to political differences, or maybe his dad is homophobic, not sure, but he definitely has a trust fund he could use but isn't for some reason.

tashi: i see tashi hailing from a black, working class family (for some reason from florida though not sure why). tennis became her key to lifting her family out of financial hardship, driving her to work tirelessly from a young age. as a black woman in a predominantly white sport, she was constantly reminded that she had to work ten times harder than her peers and had no room for mistakes. this relentless drive has given her both the talent and discipline needed to succeed. she often clashes with patrick, who she sees as entitled and lazy despite his natural talent. however, she connects on a different level with art, with some mutual understanding of the working/middle class mindset and shared work ethic, literally becoming a power couple when they get together.

sillier things: patrick listens to a lot of britpop and favourite band is blur. tashi really loves artists like lauryn hill and sade, and east-coast hip-hop. and art will listen to whatever music the person he's in a co-dependent with at that given time (patrick or tashi).

anyway, thank you for coming to my ted-talk.

[rachthepoet]

Matilda Analysis

A poignant narrative delving into themes of self-liberation, healing from past traumas, and a journey toward healthy love for the sake of oneself and nobody else. It's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, delivered in an intimate and comforting atmosphere soundtracked by gentle instrumentation. This eloquent reminder to whoever needs to hear that it's never too late to seek the love you deserve and cultivate a life filled with joy and acceptance. Even if one must do so independently and abundantly.

The listener may not know the character of Matilda personally, but they know of her intuitively, anybody who can spare a few minutes to listen is invited in miraculously, as the song's configuration allows. And, what waits inside for those who venture? Harry sitting with his guitar, a concerned friend right as you need someone to be.

Here's a deep dive into Harry Styles' Matilda, from a poet.

Roald Dahl's 'Matilda' + Harry's Take

Roald Dahl (1916-1990) was a British novelist, short-story writer, poet, and screenwriter. He has composed many children's books, and has been bestowed the title of "one of the greatest storytellers for children of the 20th century". His knack was for writing children's books interlaced with rather dark, adult themes — like 'Matilda'.

If you didn't grow up with the book and/or haven't had the chance to read it, here is a summary for a bit more familiarity, which will lead to a more engaged discussion here! But, also, if you're familiar with the 1996 film, as many are, you should be just fine! As mentioned before, much of Dahl's works covered much darker themes. The children's book 'Matilda' speaks clearly of the following: emotional and physical abuse, tyranny, misogyny, scamming, attachment theory, and, the most obvious, child abuse and neglect.

In short, attachment theory believes that every child needs to form a relationship with at least one primary caregiver to develop, healthily, emotionally and socially. In 'Matilda', our main character lacks that primary caregiver until she meets Miss Honey. The impact of Miss Honey's warmth, care, and understanding on Matilda is so grand that trust is built (she reveals her telekinesis power to Miss Honey) and leads to a happy ending, as Matilda's attachment to Miss Honey wins over the weaker attachment of her parents — and Matilda moves in with Miss Honey, finding a loving and caring home/family at last.

Now it's time to circle it back to Harry's Matilda. I believe that Harry has taken on the role of Miss Honey as a complementary to the subject to whom he's disguised as quote-en-quote "Matilda" — a stylistic choice I have no doubt was heavily influenced by Dahl's tale. Not only is Harry a friend giving advice and refuge, but also a welcoming sense of care and a second home, which further ties into the third album's theme as a whole — debates of a house versus a home, and what home means to a person.

In the song Matilda, Harry alludes to similar situations, with direct connections to attachment theory and child abuse/neglect. As the audience solely, we don't know the specifics of the problem, but these are the main issues I grasp from the lyrics alone. Roald Dahl's Matilda, as told in the book, has much intellectual prowess — she's too smart, almost an adult in a child's body, most likely an effect of her circumstances' cause. Yet, set aside the knowledge of her adventurous nature and wits, there's no clear yes or no to answer if Matilda needs comfort. For she never cries, adamantly refusing to do so, and never seems to show weakness. She's too smart for that, after all. The single time she outright exhibits sadness about not feeling the love from her parents is when she's four and confiding in the librarian. I'm going somewhere, by the way, I promise you.

With Harry's Matilda in Matilda, lots of the same traits resurface. An adventurous spirit and a bright mind, but also the tendency to keep sucking it up and not letting one fall to tenderness, because it's been perceived in the brain as a weakness. None of what happened seemed wrong to her until a certain point. This is, apparently, no big deal, or so she says. Harry's Matilda speaks of her experiences like it's nothing at all, but it's everything. She's mighty like her fictional character namesake, so bright and lively that she can light up even the darkest days.

Upon a delicate, sadly playful melody of strings, Harry takes on the role of a friend but also a caregiver to show love to his character of Matilda. The Miss Honey, as alluded to before. In Matilda, Harry makes it a point to show Matilda the love she never received from those who should've given it freely. He expresses that, while none of this is his business, he's been thinking about it in concern. He tells her that she can start a family that will love her, will care for her, and there's nothing to be sorry for. With a wide, bright smile and a sharp mind, Matilda, you can let it go, and you don't have to be sorry for doing so. Let us show you what healthy love feels like.

Lyric Pull Apart

[VERSE 1] You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal" And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels Nothing 'bout the way you were treated ever seemed especially alarming till now So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal

You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal" / And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels: Here a little scene is set, and provides the listener with so much context and information. It's an idyllic childhood moment to picture, riding a bike, but there are cracks already. Cracks in a carefree childhood, cracks in what should've been. The line to the sound of "It's No Big Deal" had people frantically searching for a song to connect, but, from the language used, I never thought of it that way. Rather, it's the soundtrack of dismissiveness, instigated by those Matilda is surrounded with. There isn't a soundtrack of laughter or encouragement, but rather a shrug. It's in the frame of something heard, not something spoken, or, extending, something felt. To the details, the image of the bike is given as those old two wheels — tired, worn, maybe even inadequate. Strong symbolism there.

Then, trying to lift off the ground gives many implications and layered feelings. There's the literal, with a kid trying to play about and do cool tricks, alone on their old bike, maybe dangerous tricks, leaning into the absent parental presence, and maybe seeking attention. There's the symbolic, the imaginative, the evoking of childhood nostalgia and yearning. There's the metaphorical, to fly, rising above where they are stuck, an ache to escape.

Nothing 'bout the way you were treated ever seemed especially alarming till now / So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal: Those who've experienced trauma may feel or are told that their mistreatment is normal, and/or they shouldn't be the ones to complain because others have it worse. Therefore, they won't speak out because their minds have been conditioned that their issues are nothing to speak of. An internalization. But, as distance and time are gained away from the situation, realization becomes stronger than internalization.

Then, So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal curates a heartbreaking image of Matilda, self-sufficient and positive because she had to be, tying up her hair with a smile because she never saw the way she was treated as anything but status quo. It's a tragic echoing of the first line of the verse and also parallels Dahl's Matilda with the ribbon in her hair. It relates to the idea of putting on a mask, covering something up by pretending like everything is fine. Matilda, maybe, doesn't want to burden him with her problems and repeats rehearsed mantras in place of it. But, he sees straight through this, and the speaker assures Matilda that she doesn't have to hide, for he's there to listen and care.

And then we get another heartbreaking image, of Matilda as self-sufficient and positive, tying up her hair with a smile because she never saw the way she was treated as anything but normal, and a tragic echo of the first line, where she smiles “like it’s no big deal” - because it’s all she’s heard, the sound of her parents saying it’s no big deal, and she believes them.

[CHORUS] You can let it go You can throw a party full of everyone you know And not invite your family 'cause they never showed you love You don't have to be sorry for leavin' and growin' up, mmm

But the chorus is telling Matilda directly: you can let it go. It's so comforting and beautiful. He is reassuring the character of Matilda that she can drop the smile and acknowledge the inevitable pain caused (see verse 2), and then let it go and let herself grow. It's a gentle, validating way of saying that she didn't deserve the pain back then and doesn't deserve to hold onto it now. The speaker suggests that Matilda, and by extension the listener, has the power to create a new life for herself — one filled with people who have genuine care for her and those who provide the love that has been missing. Attachment theory.

You can throw a party full of everyone you know and not invite your family 'cause they never showed you symbolizes a break from the past and the forging of a new path defined by one's autonomy. Her family, the site of all of this complication and guilt and hurt, whom she now acknowledges caused her pain and never showed her the love she deserved. But now she can go out and seek that love. A reminder to Matilda that she can seek happiness elsewhere and build a chosen family based on love and respect.

Then, the ending line, You don't have to be sorry for leavin' and growin' up, is so important. When trying to extract oneself from an abusive environment, the blame will be twisted and put on the victim. They might try and make Matilda a stranger as a repercussion for her spreading her wings and thriving in the absence of their negative influence. And, here, the speaker is reassuring Matilda that you don't have to feel sorry for leaving and growing up. And, the language choice is interesting, for saying growing up akins it automatically to something natural, something that's bound to happen. Something you shouldn't feel guilty over. He says to Matilda that she should never feel apologetic for her growth.

[VERSE 2] Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days It's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind

Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright / But I know you feel like a piece of you's dead inside: This is the only time within the song that there's a direct address to Matilda, although there's an underlying assumption that the song is being spoken to her throughout. This direct address serves a purpose though, as I believe it amplifies the words that follow it, you talk of the pain like it's all alright. While verse 1 framed Matilda as a child, this verse (verse 2) frames Matilda as an adult. She is doing the same thing, the same coping mechanisms, that were instilled in her when she was a child — "it's no big deal" and "it's all alright".

Closely followed by but I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside is where the speaker, in one of the few lines in the song to reference an "I", acknowledges Matilda's pain for her. He makes it known that he can see the pain that she's in, even as she tries to dismiss it. It also acknowledges a major recognition of the loss of self due to this past trauma and pain.

You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days: This line is just so gorgeous. I have such love in my heart for it. And I feel like many overlook the intention with the word choice, which lends to its touching nature. Choosing the words you showed me a power versus you are the sunshine in the darkest days (or something along those lines) changes the meaning, and makes more of a splash. The meaning shifts from you are sunshine, you are goodness, you deserve to be loved — which is not without its own lovely connotation, of course — to being around you, you radiate this energy and you can teach other people how to love.

In companionship to what's been told about Matilda, to imply that she has this power to bring the sun to the darkest days, to teach someone how to find the sun in their darkest days when she has experienced dark days... it's beautiful. And it's so important to notice that detailed difference and reiterates the notion that as sad of a song as Matilda is, it's also incredibly empowering.

It's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind: And then, the speaker takes a step back. It's not about his experience, and he acknowledges that separation, but does not withdraw his care or concern. It's none of my business is a delicate way to respect Matilda's boundaries regarding her past and the choice of what her relationships look like. He doesn't want to tell Matilda what to do and deny her agency, for then he would become just another one of the people who mistreat her. But it's just been on my mind illustrates the care of the speaker once more, a complement to what precedes it and to the song entirely.

"It's a weird one, because with something like this, it's like, 'I want to give you something, I want to support you in some way, but it's not necessarily my place to make it about me because it's not my experience.' Sometimes it's just about listening. I hope that's what I did here. If nothing else, it just says, 'I was listening to you'." — Harry Styles

[CHORUS ADD ON VARIATION 1] You can let it go You can throw a party full of everyone you know And not invite your family 'cause they never showed you love You don't have to be sorry for leavin' and growin' up You can see the world, following the seasons Anywhere you go, you don't need a reason 'Cause they never showed you love You don't have to be sorry for doin' it on your own

This is the first variation on and second iteration of the chorus, and it hits on the same themes as the first iteration. The first new line is You can see the world, following the seasons. Matilda can leave, not just her family but where she's from, and she still doesn't owe her family justification or reasons. The latter comes from the following anywhere you go, you don't need a reason. The sentiment is continued by the line you don't have to be sorry for doin' it on your own which is the repeated parallel to the previous you don't have to be sorry for leavin' and growin' up. It's so good. In one sense, it applies to the lines immediately preceding it — you don't have to be sorry for traveling and seeing the world on your own. Yet, because of the repetition, there's this parallel created that also refers to growing up. Matilda doesn't have to be sorry for growing up on her own. A grand acknowledgment that Matilda raised herself, and that comes with both sorrow and pride. The sorrow that she had to raise herself alone, but the pride that she is who she is as an adult because of herself.

[BRIDGE] You're just in time, make your tea and your toast You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes, ooh You don't have to go You don't have to go home Oh, there's a long way to go I don't believe time will change your mind In other words, I know they won't hurt you anymore As long as you can let them go

This whole ballad is truly a tour de force, but the bridge is the one to knock me off my feet every time. Much like Harry has done for the listeners with 'Harry's House', the speaker invites Matilda into his home. In the song's case, both literally and metaphorically.

You're just in time, make your tea and your toast: Tea and toast is such a cozy and homey image, and indicates this welcoming, specificity in welcoming into routines, like a fresh pot of tea and a nice piece of toast in the middle of the afternoon. There's no push or rush, as indicated with the you're just in time, as it was and will always be based upon Matilda's timeline. It's a sense of found family and a safe place to land after she's previously seen the world, followed the seasons, and all that. Welcome home, welcome to the party, welcome to the place where you can be you without begging for the allowance to do so.

You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes: I think this is a beautiful way to signify that somebody grew, focusing on the smaller details. But, additionally, there's a full circle moment, calling back to childhood — experiencing the small joys she never had the chance to, as her childhood was spent in a survival state. You framed all your posters and made this new house a home with favorite things from your childhood, now with an added sense of sophistication that was missing previously. You dyed your clothes, changing them to better fit a new stage of life. Parts of Matilda's childhood can be brought into adulthood with her, and reinvented to be rid of the negative connotations that may still be attached. You can let it go.

You don't have to go / You don't have to go home: The speaker reintroduces himself in the song to speak and bring more reassurance to Matilda, with nurturing and welcoming at the forefront. You don't have to go away from where we've invited you, Matilda, with your favorite teas and the way you like your toast, you don't have to go away from this place of people who love you for you. You don't have to go home reminds Matilda that she doesn't have to go back to the people and place she cut ties with, and that's okay. the use of the word home has intrigued me for quite a while, but I think it indicates that Matilda is still presently on the journey to let go of her past.

Oh, there's a long way to go / I don't believe time will change your mind / In other words, I know they won't hurt you anymore / As long as you can let them go: These last lines of the bridge importantly acknowledge the journey — not just of life, and not just the growing up and traveling and exploring — of healing. It's a bittersweet moment here, gently saying there's a long way to go. It isn't solved, it isn't over — for nothing ever is packaged up that neatly in reality. I don't believe time will change your mind, to me, is him saying that it won't be as simple as letting time fall between her and what happened. A lot of blood and tears is going to have to be shed to truly get to the point where it's not a constant background ache. Leading into, I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go. Matilda, you need to give yourself permission to let this all go, both the situation and the facade you've been putting on. Let yourself feel, then let it go.

[CHORUS ADD ON VARIATION 2] You can let it go You can throw a party full of everyone you know You can start a family who will always show you love You don't have to be sorry for doin' it on your own You can let it go You can throw a party full of everyone you know You can start a family who will always show you love You don't have to be sorry, no

The shift in the final chorus can be undetectable if the listener isn't paying attention. But, once it's caught, it's impossible to miss again. This is a second variation of the chorus, on its third iteration. In the earlier verse of the chorus, the third line was And not invite your family 'cause they never showed you love. But, after Matilda has worked to let them go, it evolves to You can start a family who will always show you love — highlighting the beauty of found family, a family of choice. And with this evolution in the chorus, the meaning of doin' it on your own has changed, because rather than a reference to growing up or leaving and traveling, but starting a family, one who will love you, and Matilda has done it with her own autonomy. It's the next step on the road to healing, and there's always this reassurance that Matilda can do this on her own. He gives the power back to her and puts it in her palms, for she is strong and she is resilient.

Therefore, the whole message, the thesis statement of the song, lies in the final line: you don't have to be sorry. The song of Matilda is a conversation between her and the speaker, and in response to her unspoken guilt. In the various forms and layers, the repeated lyrics and parallels, context stacked on context, the listener — us, the spectators — is enveloped in the depth of Matilda and her journey. But, in that final line, all specificities and complexities are stripped, to simply conclude it all: you don't have to be sorry, let go of the guilt, and you can be happy.

Matilda left me reeling in a puddle of tears on the first listen, and my emotions are instigated with each listen after. Pieces that send me into a wave of emotions set off a green light, they'll always be my favorite. In a way, Harry has become our Ms. Honey in times we've felt like Matilda, gifted us a chosen family with those who bond over his music. Much like this song, beautiful and evocative it is.

A grand indicator of a great writer is the ability to write so deeply about experiences not necessarily connected to them and their own experience. The times where Harry is the 'outside looking in, narrator of other people's experiences' songwriter has always been something I admire, and the songs I find the most intriguing to study. There's a full narrative, and we are brought into the same emotions Matilda was experiencing at the moment, therefore fully enveloping us in the story. I don't know, you just feel it. And I love that you just feel it.

And he takes such care and consideration with this delicate story. He doesn't have to name them specifically or be overbearing with identifying details, but cleverly uses well-known themes of the Dahl children's book to explore feelings and show understanding. It's a warm song full of strength and bursting with love. A seldom promise to always be there and understanding to a friend who's felt alone and misunderstood in a time when they should've been heard. Making sure they know their power and the power of care and nurturing. And Harry, in Harry's House, will always show you love.

dedicated to this anon <3

Thank you for reading, you’re absolutely incredible! If there are any songs you’d like me to make an analysis of, please send your request to my inbox! along with any questions or insights you might have yourself!

[donnerpartyofone]

First Pants, THEN Your Shoes

I spent a lot of time on the autism and ADHD subs before and in the aftermath of my ADHD diagnosis, and it was often helpful in contextualizing a lot of my nagging and seemingly unexplainable problems. The people there are generally nice, I never really saw any of the toxic behavior that Reddit is famous for. There's just one incident that stuck in my craw, where someone was dealing with issues of emotional access that I thought were so misunderstood by everyone who responded, I wanted to help somehow but I didn't know what to say.

Basically this person admitted that they just have no relationship with their parents. For their whole life they never experienced an authentic, loving connection, and faking it all the time was both exhausting and guilt-inducing. This was a pretty brave thing to express, but I thought that it basically made sense in a forum for people who are famously thought of as cold, rude, and "low empathy". But what happened was that a ton of people responded with "I feel this because" of their horrific history of open abuse and neglect, which I thought was clearly not what OP was describing--and then one person absolutely flipped the fuck out on them, posting a vicious tirade about what a bad person they were. The aggressor faught with a couple of other people before loudly announcing that this post had caused them to leave that subreddit for good. That seemed so cruel and unnecessarily personal to me, I really felt bad for OP who came to the autism forum like we all do to say "I have feelings or behaviors that are abnormal and I feel bad/confused/conflicted about them." I also felt bad that their confession had been conflated with the problems of child abuse and domestic violence, which they clearly did not address. I thought I knew what they meant. I think that I also have different kinds of emotional experiences than most people, and that incident reminded me of why I don't usually admit it.

Do I have histories of abuse and neglect that could have affected my emotional development, or am I just "like this"? I don't know how to answer that. I think that the nature versus nurture debate is like, a fun game to play, but basically absurd. There is absolutely no way to control for pure effects of biology and neurology and genes, separate of pure effects of experience. The right answer is always "it's both", and then you proceed with whatever psychological management style seems most helpful. You try to understand what you have to work with, which rarely involves nailing down the absolute factually objective specifics of your origin story; you approximate about what feels important, and you try to move forward. Some people have histories so difficult that dealing with their inherent "nature" is moot, and some people have a nature that makes even minor experiences vastly more affecting than usual.

To be Freudian about it, my mother kind of didn't want anything to do with me. She was civil about it so it's hard to say I was abused, but I received a pretty consistent rejection signal until she died when I was a teenager. This seems to me to be related to her mother, who made a big performance of being the Perfect Mommy but who was in fact critical, controlling, and manipulative. This in turn seems related to the fact that her father, my great grandfather was a child rapist, which my grandmother refused to deal with, or only dealt with through her burlesque of extreme normality. Severe clinical depression exists on that side of the family, and I have it too. Nature or nurture?

My paternal grandfather was a fascinating, cosmically-minded person who obviously affected my father's powerful intellectual development, but who was emotionally absent. My paternal grandmother was an infantile narcissist with zero sympathy for others and semi-violent tendencies. Also there was obviously "something going on" with her; she cataloged everything in her house, literally on a computer and in physical binders, and devised wild methods of controlling everything around her including children and animals. When we visited her we had to shower outdoors like cattle.

In my family, we didn't say I love you. We didn't touch except for ritually mandated occasions. But we talked a lot. We shared interests, which many families do not do, do not even consider, even when they are warm and affectionate. From the moment I was born I was sad, angry, obsessive, freaked out. Intellectually overdeveloped and emotionally crippled. My mom checked out, and when her parents visited I was very confused and frightened by their soap operatic and purpose-driven performance of emotion. But no matter how messed up I was, my dad made infinite amounts of time for me. I cannot say that he was comforting the way people normally mean it, but he was present and listened. How many miles did we walk before I was a teenager? We talked about dreams, phobias, the subconscious, symbolism, theology, and art and literature. This is still the basis on which I relate to him. Sometimes as an adult I bare a wound brazenly to see if I can make him react to the bad things that have happened to me, but he doesn't. That's not in the rulebook. I don't even know if I WANT the rules to change, I just have to test them sometimes. I probably like them just the way they are.

Meanwhile my brother, who is close in age to me, has become the single most normal and successful person I know, professionally, socially, and in his private life. Nature or nurture?

I have had a much harder time gaining traction. It's hard to get ahead when you have to spend a lot of time just figuring out what the fuck is wrong with you. There are a lot of normal-seeming things I cannot figure out or literally cannot do. My emotional life is somewhat bizarre. I either retreat from society or develop intense, virtually monogamous 1-1 friendships with very poor boundaries. At my small wedding I suddenly realized that my guests didn't even know each other very well; people making toasts didn't seem to know what to say about our courtship. I obsess over people, but it tends to be very intellectual. I don't want anyone to touch me ever, like unless we're fucking, which is a source of much confusion and ridicule among others. I need to be alone A LOT. I can think about someone all the time but forget to tell them more than a few times a year, so I have to be consciously careful to let people know I remember their existence. I once tried to explain to someone that I don't really miss people in the way that others seem to, and I meant it to say "I love you even if it doesn't look normal," and I think I just insulted the person and I regretted speaking.

I think this stuff sounds evil to a lot of people. I tend to think, there's me and there's the mammals. The mammals are warm and enjoy each other's warmth. The mammals feel safe in groups. The mammals have a physical and mental metabolism that refreshes itself daily or hourly; mine is very slow and I need lots of rest and recovery time. I don't feel safe in groups. I like to be cool and dry and hidden in the dark under a rock. For the mammals, their warmth is what makes them feel the value of life. Many of them assume that my coolness means I don't value life. This is absurd. Just because I don't want to feel your body against mine, doesn't mean I don't care what happens to your body. Just because I need to be alone, doesn't mean I wouldn't feel terrible if you are lonely or hurt. I don't even have to like you, to care whether you suffer. If I have misunderstood how my behavior will affect you, it is because I am an alien from outer space; I still care tremendously about whether I make your life better or worse. But this is hard to communicate for some reason.

I watch Lifetime movies with great, almost ghoulish fascination. I'm captivated by their hyperbole of American values, of love and family. I'm spying on it from orbit. It constantly amazes me.

I had been talking to my dad for a while about my feeling that I'm autistic, but the ADHD diagnosis took me by surprised. When I learned more about it, it explained so much about my childhood, about behaviors I couldn't help and stuff I couldn't learn that made my parents, especially my mom so, so mad at me. I didn't know how the new information would strike my dad. My doctor had cautioned me not to feel bad about all the time and potential I lost not understanding my own care and upkeep. Would my dad feel bad about not understanding me? His response was so perfectly, absolutely emblematic of our entire relationship that I couldn't have written it better myself.

There would be no emotional outbursts, no drippy apologies. There was only consciousness, perception, existentialism, God, subjectivity versus cosmic reality. This is what we do. This is how we survive. This is how we say I Love You. I love you so much, dad. I'm proud of you and I'm so glad I am your daughter. Thank you for everything. Please don't touch me.

[louvred]

name.    siobhan, tommy. age.     21+     height.    5′3  /  160 cm orientation.     bisexual / biromantic pronouns.     she / her fandom.     crime

backstory.

born and raised in a small city to two parents. what the public perceived to be a somewhat happy family was nothing as such behind the scenes. her father, physically and emotionally abusive towards both herself and her mother, though her mother endured the abuse for about two years before divorcing and getting as far away from him as she could, with full custody.

tommy gradually lost her hearing after about two years old, though it was difficult for her mother to be taken seriously by doctors, her concerns brushed away with "first - time - mother - paranoia". but she eventually found a doctor to look further into it. starting with hearing aids that eventually lost their efficiency and then later becoming eligible for a cochlear implant after losing 90% at age nine. tommy refused the surgery, already full aware of the financial implications.

from a young age, tommy could understand concepts beyond her years. developed an interest in mathematics and various STEM topics, sought out books and tutors and groups for it. her mother pushed for fine arts and athletics, to which she later grew an appreciation for. by the age of twelve, tommy was fluent in sign language, skilled in ballet and figure skating, with gymnastics a less - competitive hobby. her mother learned sign language so they could communicate, but the spoken language at home was mandarin ( to which polished tommy's lip - reading skills outside of the english language ).

despite her academic success, tommy struggled immensely. whether it was frustration from a lack of accommodations, missing important details, she had constant headaches and grew spiteful of having to accommodate for her hearing counterparts, and later became less and less verbal, caring little for honing her speech. her mother was the only person who could communicate with her properly.

throughout the years up until age thirteen, tommy's father had continued to harass her mother for custody with trivial and wasteful court summons, appointments, and complaints. he continued to intimidate, beyond what tommy was aware of and what her mother would divulge, and during the break of spring when the winter snow was just starting to melt, she lost her mother, unable to take more of his abuse.

her father finally got full custody. he had no way of properly communicating with her, thus resulting in animosity and neglect. only provided the bare minimum of a roof over her head and cash on the table for food, rarely home. despite the lack of family or communith, tommy never sought it out. she focused on her academics, dropped her hobbies from lack of expenses, eager to escape prison that was her life.

graduated with honors and got accepted into one of the top, most prestigious universities, full ride. she majored in computer engineering with elective courses in psychology and criminology.

notes.

because of her hearing loss, she focused on her other senses, primarily sight and touch. she can read people on a deeper level, catching tells and differences in facial expressions to the bare mini - second. noting how long before their next breath, difference in eye contact, twitches in their hand, the pulse in their throat, positioning of their muscles. made her impeccable at getting what she wanted.

developed a robin - hood complex while studying and put together a group of misfits with like - abilities. steal from the rich, give to the poor. she'd find the cases, create the plans, and have it executed seamlessly. multiple heists under their belt, she'd dubbed the alias, silence. silence became infamous across the world, authorities believing the crimes to be a one - man job. silence became most - wanted, while simultaneously growing in public support.

after years of success, tensions arose within the group. whether out of greed, jealousy, tommy grew distrustful of her members as to who would harm her, and after an attempt on her life from an anonymous job assigned by one of her members, she fled. turned herself into the tactical team chasing after her.

after three years in prison, somewhat in content with doing time so long as it meant she could avoid an active target on her back, she was approached for a deal by the same team that'd been chasing her for years. propositioned to live out the rest of her sentence under the supervision of the agency as their criminal consultant, as they were struggling to close a case and figured her expertise would help. it did. she solved it within days.

with every successful case, she gets a week shaved off her sentence. just ten more years to go.

she finessed her way out of the shitty motel they were going to have her in and lives in a penthouse with an older woman who treats her like her grandchild. the rent is the same as it would be for the motel. she wears a bracelet that she has bedazzled.

primarily works with organized crime and non - violent crimes that require coding expertise or advanced knowledge of the arts.

does not like to work within the red - tape, and always finds loopholes. she has connections around the world, and in the underground. restricted to parameters set by her anklet, but she can switch it off if she really wanted to.

appearance.

always has her hair in loose curls, length around the small of her back. dark brown, varying shades. hazel eyes, the green more present than the browns. she stands at 5'3 ( 160 cm ), but has the energy of seven feet.

endomorph body type, though with her previous training and current regimen, she's gained muscle ( sleeper build ). primarily wears business formal or business casual attire when on the job, colors tend to be more muted and neutral, she does not want to stand out.

personality.

appears as though she might lack a personality, either a mirror of everyone or the facade of hers is so preposterous it could not possibly be authentic. comes off as a blank canvas, save for the bluntness and saturated sarcasm that coats every word out of her mouth or in her body language. extremely, extremely reserved and difficult to get close with. considering she prefers not to speak unless necessary, others find her stand - offish and cold, intimidating, judgmental ( she is ). beneath that first layer, she is witty and humorous, impulsive and unserious. dig many, many more layers beneath and she is kind, genuine, and caring. she's over = protective, and extremely cautious.

verses.

general modern, mindhunter, dc, arcane, grishaverse, bsd, jjk, csm, and literally anything else just ask me. her backstory remains the same throughout with small tweaks to fit the universe.

important.

re: silence. tommy's identity as silence is practically nonexistent, as is silence's presence in the main sphere. after she turned herself in, it blew up and disbanded the group. she turned herself under the guise that it was just herself. only those who had worked with her in - person would know that she was silence unless she divulged that. this is struck from her records should anyone do a background check on her and needs high clearance to get it. not so much a secret, but just not discussed.

re: working for the agency. tommy would never reveal this fact upfront without reason. it's not a secret, but she wouldn't prefer to come clean about it unless necessary. she's seen as a traitor by those who'd worked with her before should they find out ( which makes it dangerous for her ).

communication. she, unfortunately, will accommodate for those who don't sign, but she will make it an unpleasant experience. won't speak until she finds it necessary, and will give very short responses. with that being said, verbal communication must be front - facing so she can read lips and catch facial expressions. tommy truly, genuinely despises having to speak verbally. it makes her feel vulnerable. she's mastered changing it to an "i don't talk bc i don't want to" from an "i don't talk because i'm worried how i sound". by muscle memory, her hands will sign lazily at times if she is speaking verbally. it is OKAY for your character to not be aware, to not know sign language, to not accommodate. it wouldn't be realistic if everyone catered to her and i would prefer it that way!

faceclaim. my face claim does not equate to how i envision tommy's build.

yes she was inspired by white collar that show owned my life as a teen

[kehideni]

Everyone is thinking it (and saying it) and i just wanna say it too:

I think Aaravos will use Callum's loyalty to Rayla to corrupt him, similar to Finnegrin, just use his love for her to force him into situations where he is forced to use dark magic, which gives him accest to his victims, i believe.

Which... well DUH it's the same thing that he did to Viren.

It's the "perfectly rotten thing" to do because, which person wouldn't do everything for those they love?

It's a pretty basic human thing to do to protect your loved ones whatever it may cost you. I honestly wouldn't be able to blame Callum because if I was in his place i'd do the same. Screw that magic snake, i'm turning it's slithering ass into a chain bruh, and i'd use that chain as a whip on Aaravos till he stopped moving.

And i was a 100% on Claudia's side when she killed those deer to heal Soren. If the show wanted to say something with that they missed the shot.

Viren did everything he thought he needed to do to save his loved ones, Claudia is like WHAOW the epitome of ride or die, and Callum is very much the same.

And as i was writing this i just came to realise: this trait was suspiciously only shown with human characters in this show so far. (I'm sure elves can, and do possess this personality trait too but the point is that it's not shown.)

I mean Sarai, Harrow, uuhh Aanya's parents(forgot their names, sorry), Amaya, Viren, Claudia, Callum, Soren, just about every main human character except for Ezran has shown going to great lenghts to protect those they care about. (And, well even Ezran can be argued as he did jump into ice water to save Zim's egg)

In contrast Rayla's parents refused to separate, they'd rather both leave Rayla to grow up without them than have one of them stay behind to raise their kid, while the other is guarding the egg.

(No i refuse to let that go, I know it's explanation, i understand they are stronger together and in the end both of them were needed againts Viren and still they barely got the egg saved, while both of them got coined, but that's an unpredictable event- as other guards were supposed to be there as well. In return they got an emotionally neglected daughter, congrats, parents of the year, round of applause)

And if you read Aaravos' short story on the website, he does admire humans for all the twisted reasons. (Aforementioned willingness to do ANYTHING in a situation desperate enough, and more interestingly the patience of humans [his words, not mine])

In The Dragon Prince humans are depicted as this "lesser than" species (as admitted by Sol Regem) who were said to be treated rather horribly by everyone else (which is why the unicorns took pity on them in the first place)

I HC that Aaravos was keeping a very close eye on humans, because he was probably the only person who didn't underestimate them, and decided he can use them for whatever end he wanted them. Maybe he had beef with the unicorns idk.

Or it could even be a Satan vs God situation, where Unicorns say humans are pretty neat and Aaravos was just like "look how neat they are once they know all these messed up stuff" but at this point i'm just spitballin'.

Rant done.

[lovelylazyraccoon]

KIMETSU ACADEMY AU: "THE REBELS" Background Info!

First up, we have: Zohakuten Kuromiya, the oldest out of his friend group yet youngest out of his family! Zohakuten comes from a middle-class family. His mother dying when he was around seven years old left quite the impact on his father, Urami, because of that he and his older brothers spent a lot of their childhood at their grandfather's home. Zohakuten had grown resentful and hateful of his father, blaming him for a lot of the trauma he had endured during his childhood since their grandfather was clearly mentally unstable and could not care for them. Zohakuten does not blame his grandfather, but he does hold a lot of hate in his heart for his father and Sekido(sometimes).

Zohakuten and Sekido get into a lot of fights, mainly arguments, but they have gotten physical. Despite having a similar personality to Sekido, he's the closest with Aizetsu. He tolerates Urogi and Karaku, but it's so obvious that he favors Aizetsu mainly. He's close with his brothers, but all of that changed once Zohakuten entered high school since that's when a lot of struggles came to be.

His family began to fall apart when their grandfather became ill, since that meant their father would be around more. Knowing this, Zohakuten refused to be home most of the time, which caused arguments between him and Sekido. Sekido kept trying to convince Zohakuten that their father had changed, but Zohakuten continued to harbor a deep hateful resentment against his father. Often, Zohakuten would either stay at his friend's houses or stay out late at night until he felt like going home. Zohakuten has clear signs of anger issues, abandonment issues, trust issues, family(daddy and brother) issues, and some sort of depression along to go with it.

Hence why Zohakuten is so protective of his friend group because they are the only people he's ever trusted with his deepest secrets and has shown vulnerability towards. They're like his other family in a way.

Up next: Etsuko Sato, the second oldest of her friend group and middle child of her family! Etsuko also came from a middle-class family, though since she was born a premature baby, her family dubs her a "problematic child" because of the medical expenses they had to pay because of her. She was seen as a burden most of her early childhood, often neglected and emotionally abused.

Eventually, Etsuko began to fend for herself. She unfortunately still deals with her family, yet she bites back at their insults and petty remarks. Even though she has a tough exterior, Etsuko is very much a softie. She often does spend her time at Senjuro's house or at her older cousin's house just to escape her family from time to time. Most of the time, she's mostly with Senjuro or Zohakuten. If not, then she's with Rui by the library.

Etsuko really doesn't like the kamaboko squad, mainly because she envies how easy they seem to have it. So, she pulls pranks on Kanao, Nezuko, and Aoi because Zohakuten and Rui like to pull pranks on the boys. Though sometimes she wishes that she could have it as easy as they did.

Etsuko suffers from asthma, anxiety, some sort of depression, self-confidence, Mommy + Daddy issues, and abandonment/isolation issues. Hence why she's always with her friends, she can't handle being alone for long periods of time. She's also very protective of her friends as well and won't hesitate to jump anyone who messes with them.

Next, we have Rui Ayaki, the youngest of his family! (Him and Zoha twining fr)

Unlike Zohakuten and Etsuko, Rui actually came from a well-off family. However, that doesn't mean his family is pretty. Rui resents his family, mainly because he's never felt home at his house. Sure, he loves his mother, but that doesn't mean she is a good person. Rui isn't dumb. He's smart enough to understand that his siblings dislike him due to the fact that their father doesn't bother with Rui.

It irritates Rui, knowing that his family will never truly be a "family" is a feeling he despises more than anything. His father is a brute, Rui knows this because of how much his mother flinches or has shown signs of fear around him. For being quiet, Rui has learned to read the moods of people around him to accustom himself. Call it a trauma response, but it works pretty damn well when your math teacher throws people out the window.

Rui spends half of his time at his uncle's house or at the school library. He doesn't bother going home early since it's boring, and he feels like an outcast 24/7. Rui suffers from a form of separation anxiety, finding it difficult to leave his friend group at times since they make him feel safe and vulnerable. Rui also is a very huge nerd, say what you want but he takes his grades seriously, A's and B's for this boi.

For our final member, Senjuro Rengoku! Now, this lil nugget here is the sunshine out of all of them. Senjuro may have a heart too big for his own body, but it's okay since he has guard dogs™️. Although Senjuro doesn't mind, he just knows his friends are looking out for him(especially since people would pretend to be his friend mainly because his older brother was the history teacher and they wanted good grades). Senjuro knows basic first aid since his father owns a dojo, which helps whenever Zohakuten or Etsuko get into fights(he's also teaching Rui first aid as well).

Senjuro used to be in the kamaboko friend group, but he stopped hanging out with them(which made Muichiro sad since he lowkey may have had a crush on Senjuro). Mainly because he envied how easily Tanjiro was able to get his father to train him at his dojo when he never bothered with Senjuro in the first place. He doesn't hate the kamaboko squad, but he will help set up pranks on them.

Senjuro mainly hangs out in the school gardens or any café shop closest to him(He avoids the Kamado Bakery like the PLAUGE). He also enjoys being in the art room, mainly because Rui drags him there whenever the library is full or overcrowded. Besides that, Senjuro is close with Etsuko. He sometimes spends the night at her cousins house whenever he's overwhelmed at his own house. Plus, it's not like Senjuro likes being at his house anyways, he'd much rather be with his friends.

Senjuro suffers from crippling anxiety, some depression, self-confidence, family(daddy) issues, and (some sort) of PTSD. He also doesn't have a mom since she died(him and Zoha bond over the fact they're motherless, lmao). Senjuro will get into arguments with his older brother, Kyojuro, but they don't get violet, unlike Zoha and his own brothers. Senjuro respects and admires his brother, but deep down, he just wishes that Kyojuro would just listen to him talk about his feelings without turning it into a lecture. Plus, Senjuro hates the fact that Kyojuro often doesn't come home often and leaves him alone to fend for himself whenever his father is drunk or just a jerk in general.

____________________________________

ANYWAYS, that's all I have written so far. I might actually make this a series, but I'm not too sure yet. I also might do Zohakuten's brothers + Senjuro's brother as well since this mainly focuses on the kiddos. Stay tuned, my loves!

[vaxyl]

14 year old me deserved better

we shouldn't have been bullied, our parents shouldn't have emotionally neglected us, we shouldn't have been allowed free reign on the internet

i have irreversible trauma all because my parents didn't understand the difference between giving shelter & food to someone and real parenting

i felt abandoned and unloved and pushed away and hated

i felt utterly worthless to, and unwanted by, the very people who had fought to have me

my parents went through IVF to have me, you know, and yet my whole life I've never really felt loved or wanted by them

i ended up so alone and scared i fell into an older person's trap and was hurt in ways that i didn't understand back then

i felt so broken and discarded, like i truly had nothing left to give to anyone else

it really fucked me up

i understand how this all happened and it sickens me

i hate that some parents hate their children and hurt them internationally, i hate that some parents don't know love and therefore can't give it to their own children in the future

i hate that people refuse to accept that girls can be evil and predatory, i hate that we treat victims as criminals even if they "followed every rule"

its no wonder i gave up on my education in the end

its no wonder i stopped living

im stuck and I feel helpless

i was talking to people, I was getting help, I was making progress (and technically i still am but not in ways that truly help in the long run) but it got too overwhelming and i just fucking shut down again

i feel trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me

it never did and never will

i feel trapped in a cycle of anger and sadness and sickness and exhaustion

5 10 15 20 25 30

i feel so fucking stuck

so fucking done

i woke up at 6am today and i couldn't fall back asleep

i trued writing it off, literally by writing fanfiction, and I've refreshed tumblr and twitter so many times since I woke up that in kind of sick of them

its now 8am and I feel dead

but not energy wise

just emotionally unwound

I'll probably feel better after i have some water and talk to my boyfriend, knowing me

but i wanted to talk about how just fucked everything feels

i feel like a vase someone smashed into smithereens and that was put back together with paper mache and string

her name kills me almost every time I see or hear it now

i think i might hate myself less than her these days, honestly

she stole my innocence and my trust and my childish love

she robbed me of a colour, of a book series, of a movie, of a flower and of so much more

she probably doesn't even remember me anymore, if she's still alive after everything

i don't know what I'd prefer

5 10 15 20 25 30

would i rather she got help and found love and happiness?

would i rather the opposite?

i feel too tired to care

she's not the last, nor am i certain she was truly the first

but she ruined me in ways nobody else could dream to

she left a sickness in my veins that i cant get rid of

its almost become lovely

i would miss it if it were gone

the hate is ugly and hisses, but i take comfort in its heat

maybe i am broken, maybe she broke me, maybe

i woke up today with terrible thoughts of things i dont want to do to myself or to others

thats fucked up

i can't remember if i was always like this or if she did this

maybe its both

5 10 15 20 25 30

all i know is that im tired

i want to stop hurting

i want to stop being scared

i want to stop being angry

i want to stop being sad

i want to stop being so tired

i just want to live and love

i love people, i do

i hate feeling such strong hatred that im not so sure is even really my own

i just want to be happy

i feel sick

[loominggaia]

razzek

If this doesn't end in 100% Itchy, those pollsters are lying. XD

niittinaatti

I'm gonna go with Morbus, putting your crush's wife in a coma and trying to persuade him into having her euthanized is pretty hard to forgive

kid-az

Boy do I regret not picking Morbus after remembering just what happened in Love Poison….. Skel is an ass but atleast he wouldn’t do THAT!

aveture

Ah I forgot about morbus and the love poison. Can I change my answer to that?

kid-az asked:

No joke I actually really loved Morbus as a character until Love Potion. After that all I want is for her cats to leave her and be adopted by better people and her being unable to find a cure for her outwards appearance being (Half) as nasty as she is on the inside.

-- -- --

These are all good points! I think in the name of fairness, we should have a break down of each candidate's most punch-worthy actions...

Itchy: "Allegedly" fucked a goat, burglarized homes, mugged people at knife-point, calls people slurs, assaulted an elderly person unprovoked, various peeping-tom behaviors, straight up murdered a dryad once, stole a horse from a soldier.

COUNTERPOINT: He has poor impulse control due to brain damage, some of these behaviors are not really his fault. Once he understands what he's done wrong, he usually feels bad and tries to make up for it. Usually. He's very capable of love and empathy for others, he just doesn't show it at the appropriate times.

Lukas: Murdered his own mother, is verbally and sometimes physically abusive to his crewmen, almost axe-murdered his best friend while drunk, victim-blamed a crewman who was sexually assaulted, tried to goad Zeffer into suicide and then hired an assassin to take him out when he refused.

COUNTERPOINT: Lukas acts the way he does due to immense trauma, and he's fully aware that his behavior is unacceptable. Recently in the series he has expressed remorse and taken steps to become a nicer, more empathetic person. He takes full responsibility for the pain he's caused others and doesn't make excuses for it. He is ashamed of his nasty behavior and is trying to understand why he acts the way he does, so that he doesn't keep repeating his mistakes.

Gwyneth: Cheats on, takes advantage of, and abuses her "husband" Brogan, extremely greedy and miserly, regularly insults people for no reason, flirts with married women and tries to break up marriages.

COUNTERPOINT: Gwyneth has endured the horrors of retail for decades. 'Nuff said. (Just kidding...In reality, she was kidnapped by slavers and quickly learned that the world is brutal and unforgiving, so she fears showing any sign of weakness or tenderness towards others. Bad experiences in her life have hardened her. She was probably aloof to begin with, but the experience of being kidnapped kind of "broke" her emotionally.)

Skel: Racist, misogynistic, classist, arguably transphobic, almost abandoned his crewman Jeimos in a hostile territory, verbally abusive to his crew and everyone around him, general asshole behavior.

COUNTERPOINT: Much of Skel's bigotry is hypocritical, and it's apparent by his contradictory thoughts and behaviors that he's quite mentally ill. His actions are much kinder than his words, and he performs these kind actions in secrecy, as if afraid to show any kind of "weakness" in front of others. Much of his hostile behavior is due to untreated mental problems.

Frederick: Literally stole candy from a baby, physically assaults people (including his own father) to get what he wants, acts arrogant and defiant, bullies others for fun.

COUNTERPOINT: Frederick is young and most of these behaviors are a result of bad parenting on his father's part. As he grew into his teens, Frederick started realizing this behavior wasn't getting him anywhere in life and promised to change. He has shown gradual positive changes ever since, though he does still slip back into his bullying ways from time to time.

Morbus: Neglected her son in favor of her career, abandoned her family, sold harmful drugs for decades, fetishizes and sexually harasses male satyrs, acts sexually aggressive towards Che, verbally abuses just about everyone, poisoned Philippa into a coma out of jealousy, forces her pets to live in her nasty hoard, generally snotty, selfish, and rude behavior.

COUNTERPOINT: I think it's obvious that Morbus is very, very mentally ill. This woman has been spiraling into Hell for over a century, completely untreated, and all the fumes from her alchemy career probably didn't help. I think some of her behavior is just due to her shitty upbringing, and she probably is a bit of a selfish bitch at her healthiest. But I also think her more extreme behaviors are the result of sickness and trauma that were left unchecked for way too long. To her credit--and this is a big deal imo--she does display some empathy and usually rights her wrongs eventually...granted, she'll reach the point of nearly killing someone before she does, but tends to shape up at the very last minute and save them from herself. She also apologizes for her actions once her conscience beats her over the head hard enough, showing that she's not a total psychopath. Morbus is undoubtedly a despicable individual, but it's hard to say how much of that behavior is really within her control. She gives the impression that she's been fighting a horde of personal demons all her life...and she's not winning.

With all that said, if you haven't voted yet, you still have 6 days to do so! ---> Poll Here <---

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

Read the Series

[unohanadaydreams]

Realized I forgot to post the rest of my ramblings on the Mayuri vs Pernida fight from my manga re-read so here is some prime word salad about Mayuri, my beloved idiot.

This feels little too late. Like, Mayuri has really dropped the ball in this battle by disregarding his initial thought regarding the Soul King’s arm being a Quincy.

He should have known already that this ability to evolve involved absorption, something Quincy are notorious for. And what has been all over everything, that would allow this Quincy to absorb?

It feels comical, how much he’s neglected to think about his opponent. Like, I’m a dumb ass and I’ve cobbled together the answer.

Meat ball again, eh.

But see the difference in tone? With Zaraki, Mayuri was so elated to tell him the dangers. He was purely farcical about how dropping Zaraki made him feel.

With Nemu it’s different. We see, again, him lashing out and displaying his frustration with himself. But deflecting that frustration to Nemu. Nemu is the punching bag instead of himself. She is him, but better. Perfect. So she needs to shape up and act like it.

The genius of Nemu is that she evolved DESPITE Mayuri. He demands she does exactly as she’s told and he violently lashes out when she doesn’t. He steals her agency. (even when it's played for laughs his unrelenting closeness when she's a member of WA is really telling).

That isn’t how someone grows and he knows that perfectly well. But he won’t face the fact that he’s scared to lose her. So he pretends disobedience betrays weakness.

Nemu has been taught how to learn and observe and she is the reason Mayuri will live—because she saw Pernida for what he was. Like, despite Mayuri's treatment of her, she is able to understand what's going on before he does.

She's not suffering from delusions here. She's not grasping for something that isn't there. Pernida is a Quincy and Nemu isn't perfect. And Mayuri is fucking spiraling on the battlefield.

And here it is—he does not want to make another Nemu. Even if it goes against the very principles of trial and error, of the science he holds so dear. Of the concept of evolution itself. Mayuri doesn’t care if Nemu never gets any smarter or more powerful—he doesn’t give a shit if she’s a shinigami—he just wants her to live. And he refuses to engage with that. He will never admit it.

He cares SO MUCH about her and what she represents that the prospect of having to start over again and fail again is crushing. He can not STAND having this much emotional attachment toward something. It's not irrational in a fun way, its irrational in a way that betrays his values.

He loves a living, breathing person enough to betray the values he's built his entire life & pride & fulfillment on.

Also really love the blocking of this--he is literally refusing to face Nemu.

Doubt. So much doubt. She's switching up her answer on why she interfered to be more agreeable to Mayuri. She is molding her answer to what Mayuri needs to hear and not the truth.

She already said he needed a shield but now she’s walked it back and actually, she was just trying to get him what he needed to continue the fight on his own.

Nemu isn't lying but she isn't telling the truth. She's just being what Mayuri wants her to be. Which is someone who protects him.

Uuuuh like father like daughter, you fucking shit. But also I think this is Mayuri's way of changing the subject and diffusing the situation. Of course his idea of diffusing is to put her down, but we can't expect anything emotionally mature from a man who has a melt down every time he approaches the thought that he loves Nemu on a human level.

Oh so when Pernida sounds like Kenpachi, he starts to catch what’s going on????? But he hasn’t caught on to the constant mirroring of his own fucking mannerisms????

He's fried his own brain with the elation of discovery and the intoxication of his own ego. I can't think of any other reason why he's been SO slow to catch on to what's going on.

I fully understand what was being attempted with this battle. At once it's supposed to connect Pernida & Nemu as being of rapid evolution while also taking Mayuri down a notch in terms of his intellect ala his battle with Szayel. His "perfect" invention destroyed by a more "perfect" being of evolution. His fall to hubris and self delusion. His perfect tragedy.

But it just kind of feels kind of unbelievable how fully he's misunderstood Pernida. I know he feels like he knows most if not everything about Quincy at the start of Bleach, but you think he would carry the lesson of being defeated by Uryu and go 'there's probably something here I need to look out for'

BUT HE HASN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE WHOLE PERNIDA IS A QUINCY THING.

You would just think he would catch on even a teenie weenie bit sooner.

I wonder what Mayuri’s zanpakuto looked like before. I imagine probably older looking, which doesn’t fit with Mayuri’s theme of control and always knowing more. Nothing better than a baby who can do nothing but fucking scream and vomit poison.

But also, I really, really like how they're pointing out all the ways that the technology that made Nemu was appropriated for other projects. Not only does it show the passion that went into the Nemuri project but also that they were finding any way possible to CONTINUE that project. Yes number 4 & 5 were failures, but they deserve to have and need more funding because they can regrow brains and skulls and alter zanpakuto. They were doing anything and everything with the research so they could keep it going. Which, considering the amount of abandoned or axed lines of research we hear about, feels meaningful.

And with this time line, I wonder if Senjumaru really was captain for a short while before Mayuri took over. It would make a lot of sense, as I can’t imagine they left 12th division without a captain from the time Urahara left to Mayuri taking up the same double helm. Personally counting this as a headcanon that can be solidified as may-as-well-be canon. They snark at each other for a reason <3

Akon gives his take, but to me the answer is simple and also embarrassing for Mayuri so he would never ever say it.

He starts calling her Nemu because he doesn’t plan to make another Nemuri. He no longer considers her no.7 but simply THE Nemu.

As I was saying above, he doesn’t want to make another one—he’s very insulted at the idea that he would need to. He’s scared of trying and failing again because the experiment and by extension her existence mean so much to him now. This is the technology that gave him captaincy, purpose, and fulfillment. This was his greatest wish. I’m willing to bet this is part of what landed him in the Maggot’s Nest before Urahara hoisted him into a position of power.

Of course, he never displays these feelings how you traditionally would. Instead he treats her as weak and over reliant and is hyper sensitive when she worries for her own life—because those are his feelings regarding her and if there’s one thing he’s going to do, it’s project!

Mayuri needs someone to protect him from himself at this point. He has blinded himself to how Nemu is still no.7. There were Nemuris before her and there will probably be more after her.

She grows despite Mayuri’s attempts to stall her—to keep her alive at all costs isn't what he's meant to do and she knows that. She's meant to evolve or die trying. But more than that, she has read between the lines and understands fully that just like Jizo, her goal is to protect Mayuri. He is his own worst enemy and right now she's protecting him from his refusal to see Pernida for what it is—something he’s studied tirelessly, much as he bragged to Uryu.

She loves Mayuri and wants to make him proud. She wants him to see that she’s grown and that she has become all the things he wanted of her. First and foremost, a shinigami. And shinigami battle. And they die.

And when you fall asleep, you have to wake up. Her name is Nemuri.

I love her. She is much more human than Mayuri may ever be.

[astralbooks]

Bitterthorn - Kat Dunn

Read: 07/04/2023 - 08/04/2023

Rating: 4/5

Rep: sapphic main character & love interest, f/f relationship

CW: death of a parent (in backstory), grief, self harm, suicidal thoughts & suicide attempt, fire & fire related injuries, emotional abuse & neglect, murder, on page death, corpses & bones, emesis

Review:

The town of Blumwald is cursed. Every 50 years they are visited by the Witch, who takes a young man back to her castle as her companion who’s never seen again. Mina, the daughter of the Duke of Blumwald, is grieving, lonely, and out of place in a family that seems to have no space for her. So, when the Witch arrives to take her new companion, Mina volunteers herself.

This book can be best described as a dark gothic fairytale. There are recognisable elements of Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty in here that have all been blended together to make a story that isn’t quite a retelling of any one story but is right at home alongside them.

The overarching themes of this book are grief and loneliness. Mina is a deeply lonely person, even at the book’s start. Her parents never had much time for her when she was a child, and since her father remarried after her mother’s death she’s been practically pushed out of her family even more by her stepmother and stepsister. As the book went on I found myself disliking all three of Mina’s parents more and more, and Mina’s actions and thought processes are entirely unsurprising when considering the environment in which she grew up. She knows, logically, that the way she's being treated isn’t right, but she can’t help but love them anyway and hold out hope that one day their attitudes towards her will improve. Her arc is one that will surely resonate with those who grew up with similarly emotionally neglectful parents.

A lot of this book was written during the 2020 lockdowns, while Dunn was living alone, and that sense of loneliness and isolation really does come through here. This isn’t about the pandemic itself at all, there isn’t a virus involved, but I think that the way Dunn took the loneliness caused by the pandemic, as well as the way that time began to feel strange during this period, and seamlessly planted these concepts into a new context worked really well!

The Witch was an interesting character. She’s a mysterious figure, who refuses to answer most of Mina’s questions for a very long time and does all she can to keep Mina at a distance, often turning to cruelty in order to do so. As we learned more about her I came to understand her and the tragedy of her story more, and I really did feel for her, but I was still struggling to actually like her and her relationship with Mina. The main barrier to this, for me, being her cruelty. 

For all this book examines how if your parents don’t care very much about you or your wellbeing then you have no obligation to stick with them, it doesn’t seem to consider how if your partner is treating you badly then you also have no obligation to stick with them. Mina is constantly nice to the Witch, nicer than I’m sure most would be if they were in her situation, and yet is also constantly put in a position where she feels she has to apologise to the Witch when she’s either done nothing wrong or what she’s done wrong pales in comparison to what the Witch is putting her through. There’s only one point in which I think Mina’s apology is genuinely needed, and that situation worked out for the best anyway, so. I like where the two of them are at by the very end of the book, I like the way their relationship looks like it’s going to be as they go forward into the future, but throughout the book itself I couldn’t get super invested in it because the Witch was simply treating Mina badly. Mina chose the Witch lashing out at her over her family’s disregard of her. Picking neither may have been a better option.

I really liked what turned out to be the truth of the situation! I can’t go into much detail about it due to plot spoilers, but I thought it was all really cool. I figured out the most heartbreaking piece of the puzzle ahead of Mina discovering it for herself, but I don’t mind a little bit of predictability. I suspect the dramatic irony was intentional in this case anyway.

If you like dark fairytales or explorations of loneliness and neglect and the impact this can have on people, then I recommend picking this one up! Just mind the content warnings, as they are serious.

Thank you to NetGalley and Andersen Press for providing me with an e-arc in return for an honest review!

[selfdesructivedisaster]

I’m glad you addressed this because I love hearing other people interpretations of Wicked and just because we disagree doesn’t mean we can’t be amicable! So thank you for starting the dialogue!!!

So I think the thesis of your rebuttal is that morally, Elphaba is so incredibly right in her goal that refusing to run away and fight against the facist institutions set up by the Wizard with her is in itself a ethically wrong choice that should be scrutinised, which I can totally understand in the sense of morality

And even though I agree with this morality statement, I think Elphaba is ethically right while emotionally neglectful. And I think her social ineptitude really highlights this fact

Elphaba’s is a character that the story repeatedly tells us has nothing and no one besides Glinda. Her family is ashamed of her, her fellow student are afraid of her, and the society she lives in as a whole detests her.

So when she decides to run away and fight the Wizard, she isn’t really leaving much behind. The only thing that could’ve kept her there is being with the Wizard, which she obviously wouldn’t want to do anymore because he’s a fraud. There is nothing keeping her back because as sad as it is, no one would really care if Elphaba just left.

Now contrasting this against Glinda is where we really start to see how much more Glinda has in comparison. She has loving parents and hundreds of friends who like and love her, she has big dreams of becoming a sorceress that she can still accomplish if she stays, and she has a comfortable life that she absolutely loves.

To summarise, speaking in respective relatives: Elphaba is trading a hard life for a harder life. And Glinda is trading an easy life for an impossible life

Putting it simply, Glinda just has so much more to lose in comparison, and Elphaba is too blinded with her hate for the Wizard, and her need to help the animals that she can’t see this!

She doesn’t realise how much she’s really asking of Glinda because she’s never really had to think of anyone but herself! She’s been isolated and alone for so long that she can only really think of her own thoughts and motivations when making decisions!

Elphaba’s motivations through all of act one are entirely selfish! The only reason she wanted to meet the Wizard was to be de-greenified, for personal gain! Not to say this motivation is bad! Selfish is too often associated as a bad thing or something to avoid, but after being hated and mocked your whole life, of course you’d want to change that!

Elphaba whole arc is that she goes from selfishly thinking about herself to selflessly thinking about others like her who she could help.

There isn’t a right or wrong choice in Defying Gravity because it’s really a lose-lose scenario! You either sacrifice everything you’ve worked up to and fight against evil, or you stay quiet and let injustice happen around you. Obviously there is a morally right answer but that answer comes at the cost of losing everything, which is so much to ask of a person, especially one who loves and values the life they presently have.

TLDR: Elphaba doesn’t have more to lose, if anything she has less. Glinda has her perfect life, if she leaves, she loses all of it. Elphaba already has nothing, so it’s a softer blow when she leaves it all. It’s selfish of her to ask Glinda to runaway with her because she knows Glinda would be sacrificing way more than her. Elphaba has the comfortability of the moral high ground to ask her highly selfish request.

Ps. Thank you for the reply! Hope you make another reply, I would love to see your rebuttal to this!!!!

I love how inherently selfish both Glinda AND Elphaba are as protagonists. But where one gets praised and admired for it, the other gets demonised and hated.

People always attack Glinda’s decision not to runaway with Elphaba, but no one acknowledges how overtly selfish it is to ask that of someone.

Elphaba is asking Glinda to throw her ENTIRE life away for her. To be ostracised and hated all throughout Oz when she knows full well how badly Glinda cares about what people think of her.

And while Elphaba is used to such ostracisation, Glinda is not.

It is an equally selfish decision to refuse Elphaba request. To perpetuate corrupt beliefs you don’t believe; in order to be accepted and validated by people in power.

They’re BOTH in the wrong, for entirely different reasons. It was an impossible situation with no right answer. And I’m sick of people acting like Glinda made the “ wrong choice ”

[teardrop-scales]

Matchup for @walleeli

I match you with...

Topaz!

This is actually the first match I've written that has a female result, so this was pretty exciting to write!

Initially, at first I didn't know who to pick for you, then I had a small idea, but when I finished reading through your info I actually decided to give you Topaz because based on your description of yourself I believe she'd be good for you and that you two would be quite compatible.

She doesn't mind that you're difficult to read. In fact, she sees that as a challenge.

I see Topaz as kind of difficult to read to, and someone who's emotionally mature. She's totally good at reading people. Perhaps it's because of her strategic and analytical mind or perhaps it's just her intuition. Who knows.

Topaz also doesn't mind that you find it easier to communicate by writing on paper sometimes. In fact, I believe she'd encourage you to do it. As long as you do communicate and as long as you're comfortable, she doesn't care about your way of communicating.

She also doesn't see you being emotional and kind of a crier as a weakness. She knows that sincerity and emotions are important. She also realizes that crying is a natural thing and it may be helpful in letting out negative emotions. So she doesn't look down on you because of that. She'll also try to comfort or console you when you cry if you let her. If you don't, she'll respect that and leave you alone to deal with your emotions in private.

She admires that you're stubborn and your willingness to be independent. As a pretty independent person too, I think that is a quality she respects and admires in people. However, she won't let you neglect yourself. She knows that being independent shouldn't mean neglecting your needs and refusing help all the time, and she'll (patiently and gently) try her best to make you understand that as well.

If you like rats, then I'm assuming that you like other animals too (even if not as much as rats). At least I hope so, because you'll definitely be seeing Numby a lot! After all, they are practically Topaz's partner/assistant. Give them some treats (with Topaz's permission of course) and they'll love you forever and will probably get more attached the more they see you. Topaz won't comment, or perhaps only lightly tease you, joking that she's jealous (whether she's jealous that you pay more attention to Numby than her, or that Numby likes you this much, you don't know). But it makes her really happy if you get along with Numby.

I think Topaz wouldn't really care what you're wearing as long as you wear something more or less presentable when you are with her in public. I think she'd like your vibe.

She'd pester you to let her read your writings. If you say no, she'll respect that (but won't stop her from asking from time to time, she's just really curious).

She doesn't really have that much free time, but may ask you occasionally for some book recommendations. If she actually finds the time to read it, she'll analyze it with you, sharing her honest opinion while sometimes focusing on even the seemingly little or insignificant details of the story.

She appreciates your love for music. I don't think she listens to it as much as you, but again, if you recommend something to her she'll definitely check it out and later give her opinion to you about it.

She loves it when you sing! Doesn't matter if you think your voice is good or not, she enjoys it nonetheless. If you happen to be singing something more energetic or upbeat, she may even hum to it with you and dance a little/sway in the background.

Also, I think that as someone who works in the Strategic Investment Department, Topaz would enjoy playing some puzzle games with you. It counts as both quality time with you as well as an exercise for her brain/mind.

Topaz certainly isn't a clingy person, but with you, her partner, she'd definitely love some physical touch. She'll allow you to do almost whatever in private, and she'll definitely give you lots of physical affection as well. However as someone with a serious job and position in the IPC she may not be a fan of pda. She's fine with holding hands from time to time and maybe some cheek kisses here and there but that's mostly it. But if you two are alone without the other IPC workers or anyone else that Topaz might want to impress, etc, she might get a little more comfortable and touchy, as long as you're comfortable with that of course.

Quality time would also be very important to Topaz, despite her often being busy with work. But she'll do her best to find enough time for you to feel seen, appreciated and loved.

You giving lots of acts of service works well here too- Topaz is often busy with work, so the fact that you do even little things and errands and whatever etc for her really means a lot. She'll be very grateful and she'll feel like at least some weight has been lifted from her shoulders.

Funny thing is, I think Topaz instinctively gives a lot of words of affirmation without even realizing it. She'll tone it down if you ask her to, but she might sneak in a compliment or two or some loving words from time to time ;)

I see Topaz as someone who'd like to do gift giving to her partner. If you ask her to stop, she'll just find other ways to give you gifts she thinks you may like. You may find some nice little trinkets or some expensive gifts in your drawer for example. If you ask her about it, she'll deny everything and claim that she has no idea how it got there.

If you're drawn to people with strong personalities, then I truly think Topaz is the one for you. She's confident, mature but she's also kind, polite and enthusiastic (at least that's how I see her). She really gives me vibes of someone who's strong mentally, emotionally and someone who has a strong personality in general and as someone who isn't afraid to experience the world.

"I'm going to make that woman my problem" is the exact reaction Topaz had when she started having feelings for you. She'll totally see through you and she's going to take care of you one way or another, whether you like it or not.

A.N: Sorry if it's kinda short and apologies for the potentially OOC Topaz. Hope you like it.

[a-room-of-my-own]

Hello ! Sorry for the unprompted agony column ask, feel free to ignore, I just find you very grounded and I love your perspective.

Recently I met a woman and we rapidly became very close friends, we share a common sensibility and humor and really clicked together, we talked about very personal stuff and really listened to each other, she showed me her writings, including things she told me she didn't show anyone else, and I showed her mine, I feel like, sorry for the cliché, she really sees me and I her.

It's been a bit hard to see each other outside of work because she lives 1 1/2 hour away from the city and is a very introspective person who needs a lot of time to reflect, write and make art, and she's very private, which I absolutely get. As a consequence she wouldn't organise get togethers, would often refuse to hang or just cancel to go home.

Recently she met a woman at work and they started sort of a side relationship (they both sée other people). My friend is very enthusiastic about it.

My issue is this : the constraints that I mentioned earlier vanished when she met this woman. They see each other outside of work, she invites her at home, she even makes plans to see her after when we find an evening to hang out with our friend group.

I'm heavily uncomfortable with this. I don't even think she's wrong, people do what works best for them, but I don't want that sort of relationship in my life ; I don't think that romantic/sexual relationships are the "important ones".

I get spending more time with a partner than friends, especially at the beginning, making more room for her or him etc. It's human and I do the same.

But I tend to assess my relationship with people based on what they show. I reach out regularly, suggest to do things, but I'm always ok with a no. What I thought was that she would say no a lot because scheduling things was difficult for her. I now feel that she simply isn't all that interested.

I don't know what to do. I feel bitter but I don't blame her. She's just living her life the way she wants. I feel like I mistakenly overinvested emotionally, something I'm very wary of, and I don't know what to do next. I want to distance myself from her, but I feel equally weird about having a conversation with her to tell her why and not having it. I want to protect myself but I don't want to make it a passive aggressive revenge.

Well I understand the way you feel. I don’t know you or her so that’s hypothetical but I’d tend to believe that she feels comfortable with you enough to be herself while in her relationship she puts on an extroverted persona to be appealing.

The type of relationships she seems to choose - where no one commits to her basically - would make me think that she doesn’t believe she deserves commitment but desperately wants to be valued. So she’s going out of her way to be loved but doesn’t ask much in return.

So of course, again I don’t know her, but sometimes people who have attachment / abandonment issues that manifest in their love life act like this. Bottom line for you is if you are actually neglected compared to other friends of her, or if she treats her friend as buffers between relationships (I ignore my friends during relationship A > I’m single I’m back in the group > I ignore my friends during relationship B).

[scoopsgf]

im really conflicted with lorelai because on one hand, she raised her daughter by herself after becoming a teen mom and basically got her life together on her own. on the other hand, she’s not a great parent- i hate to say it but if lorelai fed her daughter junk food and was flaky as a mom, but great as a best friend, most people around her in the real world would question her parenting style. i get that her relationship with her parents is unstable due to lasting traumas but the way she treats her parents even after they paid for rory’s school irks me. she didn’t treat max right, she wasn’t always great to sookie, and it’s just a multitude of things that make me appreciate her, but not like her.

hmm… i can see this, but i feel like lorelai gets demonized for a lot of normal, little mistakes that most parents and people in general make. coming from someone who wishes that they had a lorelai for a mom, i’m more willing to look past the tiny infractions. the junk food thing is purely for comedic effect so i really don’t take it into consideration when i judge lorelai’s parenting skills (plus we see fruits and vegetables in their fridge on multiple occasions, and while lor and rory often go out to eat, rory could easily order like, a salad from luke’s if she wanted. he’d be happy to make that for her, meaning she does have access to healthy foods, not to mention her chilton lunch meals are definitely nutritionally balanced). anyway, i wouldn’t call lorelai a flaky mom at all. in fact i’d say she’s almost overly invested in rory’s life: she always wants to know what’s going on, she goes out of her way to make sure rory has what she needs, and she’s constantly trying to maintain an open line of communication with her daughter. while she doesn’t always go about this the right way, it’s her intentions that really matter—she wants rory to know she can come to her, that she can trust her. she makes rory dresses from scratch and fills their house with books and music and goes to business school so she can make a better life for them. she puts aside her pride to ensure that rory’ll have the best education possible. yeah, she can be selfish and immature at times, and she screws up, but so does everyone and that’s literally the point of the show: all the characters on gg are meant to be realistic, they’re meant to frustrate the audience at times and piss people off, because that’s just human nature. no one can be perfect, but lorelai is definitely a really great mom. she just has deep-seated issues when it comes to things like boys and intimacy and secret keeping, which given her upbringing is kind of hard to put her down for (though it does drive me crazy at times). anyway yeah, idk, my point is that of course she can’t be perfect but compared to a lot of moms (both in fiction and irl) she does pretty damn well.