#and therefore he will always pick the greater good over love | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

archernarbeta · 2 years ago

Text

Do better

✴︎ pairing : Kyungsoo x Reader

✴︎ genre : angst, stubborn characters, yearning, sensitive-themes, idol!kyungsoo , more angst, kyungsoo is a jerk here but reader is also stubborn

✴︎ summary : In which Do Kyungsoo is reader’s best friend and he wants her to do better.

✴︎ warning : TW disordered eating (starving habits, relapse), trauma, mild cursing.

This fanfic contains themes of disordered-eating, some taken from my own experience. However if there are any misinformations that you would like me to take down, please do let me know and I will be happy to. Lastly, in no way whatsoever I am promoting disordered-eating habits. We are beautiful, in our own ways, inside and out. Therefore, there is no need for us to change our appearances for others.

✴︎ word count : 4.1K

✴︎ author’s note : This was so fun to write honestly! I spent all my pent-up anger writing this fic… I might do a part two because clearly, this fic is unfinished (let me know if we want a part two) Anyways, enjoy! As usual any form of appreciation is very well appreciated!

—

It’s been exactly 8 weeks since you stopped speaking with THE Do Kyungsoo.

Yes, you meant Do Kyungsoo the idol, the talented chef, the amazing singer and also THE best friend, not to mention THE imbecile.

Silent treatments, were a common occurrence especially with the stubbornness you both shared when it comes to giving in for the greater good. However this was the longest period of silence that you both had gone through and frankly for you, there’s no room for truce.

The reason behind it couldn’t be more trivial.

Three weekends before, you had gone on a blind-date with a mutual friend, both of you were set-up by one of your colleagues. The date went smoothly, he was a polite gentleman who offered to pick you up and took you home. Before the date, he asked about your food preference too, in which you appreciated the gesture. Overall, he’s an all rounder and you’re totally sure you’d like another date with him, even if both of you weren’t looking for anything serious. It was just nice to have someone to spend your weekend with.

You were astounded to say the least, that the very nice gentleman sent you a set of fine bone china mugs with penguins on them, your favourite animal, duh. He also sent a letter, mentioning your love for coffee and penguins and how he’d thought of you when he came across the mugs a while ago. He wished that you would use the set to enjoy your morning coffee every morning.

—

On a given Sunday, Kyungsoo was supposed to come over to your place for a playdate since you haven’t seen each other in forever. He arrived with groceries and snacks for a pasta cook-out, he always mentioned that you were always too thin and too cold for his liking–that’s why he’s always so keen to feed you delicious and nutritious meals, even though you really didn’t like eating in general.

You both settled on the dining table with each a cup of tea in hand and a plate of cookies that he’d baked beforehand, they were oatmeal and vanilla almond- with the least amount of sugar, suited to your liking.

After a much needed catch-up session and a plate with nothing left more than cookie crumbs, you helped him prep the ingredients for his anchovy pasta. In which, you chose to casually slip the bomb of ‘I’ve met a nice guy, we had a couple of dates, he was such a gentleman, he even gave me these super cute mugs.’

At your narrative, Kyungsoo replied with soft hums and nods before replying, “You know y/n— I really think he might be taking advantage of you.” He nonchalantly said while stirring the fettuccine, calmly raising the pasta strands with a fork to check how they’d cook through.

“W-what? Where did that come from?”

“Why else would he be showering you gifts like these?” He waved around the penguin mug in front of your face in an irritating manner.

You gasp at his groundless accusation, “Soo! He’s clearly just being a nice- decent human being! How could you accuse him of such things?!��

You were literally in disbelief. Your best friend was usually the logical one in the friendship and having him belittle a guy like this, left you perplexed. He had no reasons whatsoever to insult a stranger, more so-your date.

The timer rang before he had a chance to reply. In his relaxed composure, he turned off the stove and strained the pasta, moving them to the pan next to it. He continued cooking for a while, mixing the fettuccine with the pan-seared anchovies and tomato. If you haven’t been friends with him for all these years, you would probably be left speechless at how he just left you mid-conversation to tend to his cooking- but here you are, still amazed at how engrossed the man is in finishing his dish before anything else. He added the last touch of basil before facing his back to the kitchen counter as he faced you with a judging look, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Y/n… You really are gullible sometimes, huh? He gave you a set of mugs and now you’re so swooned that you’re defending him? Over me- your best friend?” He half mocked you and rolled his eyes, giving off a much less of a smirk.

“W- what?! I am not! I can’t believe you right now? Can you hear yourself and how ridiculous you’re being right now?”

“Me? Ridiculous? What’s so ridiculous about protecting a best friend from strangers she just met!?” He exclaimed, shoulders shrugging showing his indifference.

“He- he’s not a stranger! I told you! Why can’t you be happy that I had a good date?” You sassed back.

“I’m a man and I can see right through him! He’s just a jerk wanting a hookup from you!” He raised his voice.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!” You barked at his accusations.

“I got a nice date once and suddenly I’m gullible?” Anger seeping through your every word. You weren’t thinking clear anymore, all you see was red, you can feel the rage rising in the back of your head,

“You know what Soo? I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry that you’re jealous- and so fucking sorry for you because your glamorous idol life left you love deprived!”

The damage was done. You’ve said it and now you only wished you could take it back. You stopped yourself as you covered your foul mouth with regret. Your eyes were shaking as you looked at him with remorse.

He stared back at you, eyes unmoving. He was sometimes unreadable like this. It was in his character really, the unpredictability and the stealth gaze, often left you wondering what’s going on inside his head. He clicked his tongue once, enough to startle you and diverted your whole attention to him. He hummed, another habit of his. You mentally braced yourself for the storm coming.

“Love deprived?” he darkly chuckled, your penguin mug on the counter, under his hold.

“That’s the lowest you could do?” His smirk wiped away from his face as he gave a flat expression while pushing the mug away from the counter with force.

The scene flashed before your eyes, the penguin-faced mug hitting the floor, the clashing sound of china in contact with the marble floor rang through your ears. You gasp in shock as the mug shattered in pieces and there was nothing you could do but stare at the once cute cup.

You had your mouth hanging open- speechless, unaware that you were shaking. The crime scene unveiling in front of you left you appalled and you wondered if this person is the best friend you’ve always known your whole life.

“Shame. You could’ve done better Y/n,” he pauses, “Maybe you’ll realise that you have better options than Mr. Penguin Mugs.”

Your body kept shuddering as you tried to gain composure,

“Get out.” You trembled.

“Two can play a game, Y/n” His voice taunting yet his face stoic, staring at you.

“Out!” you screamed at him

So much emotions were whirring inside of you that your eyes water. Anger? Yes, a lot of rage was brewing in you but disappointment and sadness was an understatement.

“WHO the hell are you and what have you done to Kyungsoo!” Your sudden voice must’ve taken him by surprise as his eyes were back to normal, you walked up to him hitting his chest with little to no energy,

“I don’t want a fucking asshole as a friend! You’re not welcome here!”

If you were angry seconds ago, now you feel like crying.

“Leave!” as you pointed at the door, gesturing him to leave.

Kyungsoo bent down to pick up remnants of the penguins face, slowly placing them on the counter, like it could change a thing.

His next action took you by surprise as he scooped the rest of the broken china with bare hands to throw the shards to the nearest bin, hurting himself in the process. You found that a bit later though, when a drop of blood stain was evident on the lid of your trash can.

He exhaled a breath, “Eat. Do not skip meals. Don’t be stupid. Call me when you stop being foolish.”

You wordlessly trembled, standing with no more energy in your figure as he exited your apartment.

—

Ever since the messy encounter with him 8 weeks ago, a lot had changed.

You stopped contacting Mr. Penguin Mugs a week after your fight with Kyungsoo, you just didn’t have the heart to deal with the lovely man and it broke your heart (a little) that you threw away the chance to be with a nice guy. But a certain someone did fill your thoughts during that time, a certain imbecile with heart-shaped lips that you would really like to hate.

Again, you had your fair shares of silent wars with him but this one hurts the most, or at least your pride did. You could recall his last memo of him, asking you to not skip meals but you decided that Do Kyungsoo was not the boss of you. You didn’t care, you weren’t gonna listen to him.

The fight did trigger you and even though it was childish of you to purposely skip meals, you began to refrain from eating at all. In the back of your head, you knew better than this, you were better than this, however without Kyungsoo by your side to aid you, you faltered.

In the past years, you had a history with disordered eating. Coming from an almond-mum and a Korean all girls school, appearance was something vital to maintain, yet it resulted in you finding ridiculously dangerous ways to abstain yourself from eating.

It was a rough patch but all those years, Soo was there for you. He’d do the cooking, the persuading and the gentle praising, making sure he won’t overwhelm you. Kyungsoo might seem reserved and unreadable at times but he was full of care, too much even- to the point that you felt like a walking ‘handle-with-care’ sticker.

After you recover, you’ve managed to fix your relationship with food a bit better but there are times where the wounds would open up. You haven’t relapsed in a long time now, having to attend coaching sessions for healthy intuitive eating programs and having Soo on the sidelines to support you.

Nevertheless, your relapse now was justified that at this point you were blinded by hurt. You were in pain and no one was there to aid you this time.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that the constant meal skipping would lead to fatigue, weight loss and eventually malnutrition, which is exactly what you’re suffering right now. The worse thing than losing your best friend is this, but hey you’re experiencing both of them at the same time! In your defense, you did try to get better, drinking spinach juice to try to fill the anguish hunger in your stomach, just to throw it all up again.

Honestly back then, when you experienced disordered eating, spinach juice was your holy grail that kept you full for longer hours without having to physically chew anything. Yet as your metabolism went to shambles, your body wouldn’t cooperate with any of the food you intake.

—

Kyungsoo wasn’t doing any better.

Seconds after he looked at your startled face and stepped foot out of your apartment, he wished time travel existed. He admits that he was an asshole but he didn’t mean to get things that far and he’d say those things to protect you even though he failed to project them in a nicer-manner (which was totally why he’s at fault, he knows this too-by the way). He wanted to apologise the next day-though he thought that giving you space would be a better option as he was scared to hurt you further. What he didn’t expect was the silence that went on for weeks.

Kyungsoo busied himself, he had his filming schedules packed as tight as possible and he picked up projects like they were cherries on trees. Even the members were astonished when he brought up his contract to join a variety show, which was so unexpected of him. All the time not talking to you left him confused, if he was really trying to protect you or if he was jealous of you, or your date. He tried brushing it off, but you were always on the back of his mind. He’d try figuring out how he feels about you but that would spiral in a worse direction, he didn’t have the heart to admit that he misses you, his best friend.

—

On the sixth-week mark of your cold war, you were admitted to the hospital for severe malnutrition and extreme weight loss. Chanyeol was the one who hospitalised you.

Chanyeol—who became friends with you because of Kyungsoo–had visited you a couple times after the fight to check up on you. You wanted to turn your back on him and his hospitality but the friendly man with cute giant ears was so hard to refuse.

Initially, Chanyeol’s visit were out of concerns due to the fight you had with Kyungsoo, but the visits became frequent when he noticed you became leaner by the day, your moves were slower and it was visible that performing simple task were difficult for you.

He tried his best to discreetly offer professional help, even though he wasn’t aware of your disordered eating history, he simply wanted to help without offending you, in which you declined politely, saying you were fine.

That day, even with arduous attempts to conceal your weakness, your body soon gave up after opening the door for Chanyeol. Given your conditions, you had no room to refuse anymore as Chanyeol carried you to the hospital. The only thing you managed to muster before blacking out was,

“Don’t tell Kyungsoo.”

On the week you were hospitalised, Kyungsoo was busy filming somewhere in a rural area in Japan. It was a fresh experience, a breath of fresh air for his career yet all he could think of was you.

The eight-week mark had passed and after two weeks of being hospitalised, it was a shame that you didn’t show signs of improvement regardless of the constant IV that kept you at bay. That’s the thing with relapsing, you know this, nothing will work unless you want to get better—and you haven’t found a reason to do so.

But it was a little bit bearable when Chanyeol came in to visit, sometimes bringing other members with him to cheer you up and give you extra encouragement. You particularly love when he brings Minseok along, the older was the most well-mannered of the bunch and he just feels like an older brother.

—

The sliding door of your hospital ward suddenly slammed open, you instinctively diverted your attention to the door, finding a familiar figure walking in with eyes ready to shoot lasers at you.

“W-what the fuck?” you eyed him. “Why the hell are you here? What are you doing here?”

You were surprised at your energy to snap at the man whilst you half-sat on a hospital bed with an IV attached on your hand. And here I thought I was weak.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? Why the fuck are you here?” he retorted, “I heard you’re sick but I’m surprised that your stupidity still tags along after 2 months.” he scorned, his bluntness never goes away huh?

“W-what? What did you say to me?”

“Even though we’re fighting and you’re mad you could’ve hit me instead. Yell, scream, curse at me- I couldn’t care less if you did,” he paused, “but why would you starve yourself again?”

By the tone of his voice, although you could pick up his anger- his disappointment, you really didn’t want to put down your ego.

“I’m not here because of you, idiot. Now what are you doing here? Go away” You countered him.

“Are you blind? As you can see I’m visiting a friend. A very sick and a stubborn one at that.” he managed to scoff at your act. You rolled your eyes, not even baffled at this point.

“No one told you to. Now, leave.” you pointed at the door.

“A little tall birdie did, he begged me to come.” he stills on the ends of the hospital bed

“Well, thanks for coming but you are really uninvited here. Please follow the door to exit.” you gave him a sarcastic smile.

“And if I won’t comply? What are you gonna do?” he taunts back. “Would you tell Chanyeol or Sehun to take me away? And why do you think they’ll comply with your request? They’re scared of me more than of Junmyeon-Hyung,” he looked around the room before focusing his eye-contact back to you.

“The only thing you could do to kick me out in your sickly state is call the nurse… that’s if, you’re willing to bear the consequence of reporting an idol?” he rambled.

“Oh you little shit..”

“Don’t you little shit me,” he mocked back,

“You know, Chanyeol might’ve given away your conditions but he’s certainly not the one watching MY reality show for the past weeks.”

You mentally cursed.

He gave out a laugh, before continuing in a stern tone,“The only person logged in my SBS account is you. Did you miss me so badly that you liked all those clips using my account?”

“Do better, y/n.” he finished, before abruptly leaving the room.

You were left astounded, just like the moment he exited your apartment 8 weeks ago. But this time, not long after, he came back bringing what looked like a lunchbox. He quietly sat down on the chair next to your bed while opening one of the containers, you only could stare at him in confusion.

Do Kyungsoo was indeed unpredictable.

“Do better, eat better, y/n. So you can fight me again.” He spoke up before offering a spoonful of porridge to your mouth. You gazed at the spoon in front of you before shifting back at him. You silently refused.

“Open up,” he said softly and you did. There was something about his voice that made you comply with his requests, like it was laced with care and concern.

You opened your mouth and carefully swallowed his cooking. The taste wasn’t foreign to you, it was his pumpkin and sweet potato porridge. He made it for you every time you’re upset, making the dish your ultimate comfort food. After the first spoonful, you were bracing yourself for a reflux but it never came, you were able to stomach his food just fine.

“Good girl” he praised you before handing another scoop to your mouth, asking you to have more.

As you ate quietly, he spoke,

“You need to do better than this y/n. You need energy to curse at me- hit me…and that’s why you need to eat to recover,” his forehead creased as he expressed his thoughts yet it didn’t stop him from feeding you every spoon.

“It’s- It’s so frustrating you know? Looking at you like this… I-I almost lost it when Chanyeol called saying you’ve been admitted for two weeks! I was in Japan and I never wanted to pack my bags so quickly..”

“Y-you..You’re so frustrating-“ he let out a breath he unconsciously held. You could see his eyes weren’t as calm, like he had other complaints he’d like to express but he held back. With the last spoonful, he closed the container and discarding it back to the lunchbox.

He softly muttered, “Rest well, I’ll be back tomorrow,” he gave a quick peck on the crown of your head, an action that surprised you, before leaving the ward.

He did come back the next day and the day after that, and another day after that. He made sure that he was the first sight you see in the morning.

This time, he brought chicken soup. Sadly, the smell didn’t react well with your body as you instantly gagged. He immediately rushed you to the bathroom, pulling your IV off in one smooth motion in the process, leaving you unscathed even with the sudden movement .

You managed to hold it in until you reached the toilet bowl. As you threw up, you helplessly cried, Kyungsoo kept still and supported your figure by the elbows. He softly grasped your hair away from you while you hurled the contents of your stomach. The action left you breathless, exhausted as tears stained your face while you slid down the bathroom floor, you really didn’t have any energy left.

You pity yourself for your relapse, it felt- disgraceful of you to do so. You hid your face with your hands as you sobbed. Fucking disgusting, you told yourself.

Kyungsoo was distressed seeing you like this, especially the fact that he might have some contributions to your relapse, it was even more upsetting for him. He didn’t hug you, he was too much of a coward for that. So he did what he could. Kyungsoo grabbed some napkins and a glass of water outside and came back into the bathroom. He kneeled down to gently tap the hands covering your face, signalling that he’d like to see your face. You slightly look up to see a calm attentive face, care- radiating from his eyes. He wiped your tears and then your mouth, offered you a warm glass of water in which you accepted without repulse.

Both of you stayed quiet for a while before muttering, “Let’s go back to bed.”

He helped you stand up, tucked you back in the hospital bed and called the nurse to reattach the IV he skilfully dismantled. The nurse went berserk on him when she learned of the incident. The situation was truly unpredictable but his actions could’ve seriously injured you. He mumbled his apologies as he nodded in regret while listening to the nurse’s scoldings. Not long after, she left both of you to your own devices.

“Don’t say anything, please?” you quietly begged while looking at him.

Today felt like your turn to burst. He nods without hesitation, firmly holding eye contact with you.

“I’m tired Soo…” you audibly exhaled, tears welled on your already puffed eyes.

You took your time to look at the light blue colour of the hospital blanket, then shifted your eyes to the ceiling of the ward while trying to find words to carry on the conversation.

“I am-“ you stuttered, “f-fuck. I’m fucking tired, you know?”

You just… didn’t have the energy as your tears flowed through your hollow cheeks, dropping to your chin and eventually wetting the blanket. His eyes never left you, catching each and every of your pained expressions.

You had lost your spark, the burning passion and gleam behind your eyes were gone. Your being felt hollow, just a soulless body- empty, dull and glum.

He despised it, the dullness in your eyes. He hated it with all his heart, knowing his efforts were meaningless since he couldn’t stop you from getting worse. He loathes the fact that this time, he was helpless when the love of his life, his best friend, his light, is giving up in front of his eyes.

“Soo…” you whispered, reaching out for his hand with sorrowful eyes. He instantly held yours, warmth emitting from his hold as he looked at you with so much care. Even intertwining hands with you broke his heart at the coldness of your touch.

“Do better, okay?” you let go of his hand from your hold.

The wet tracks of your tears hadn’t stopped yet you managed to prop up an expressionless gaze as you stared at him. You were in pain, so was he, and you didn’t want to hurt him more.

He knew what you meant, he knew what you wanted him to do.

He knew exactly what to do, not that he wanted to.

He was your lifeline, a drug to salvation- You needed to heal without him.

He didn’t understand, he had so many questions formulating in his head but he knew better than to pry. He was hurt but prying meant hurting you further, which was the last thing he’d do.

He stood up, kissed your cheeks, stroked your hair and pecked the crown of your head one last time before heading out to the door.

He slammed the sliding door hard, hopefully to let you know how wrong of you to ask him to leave. But he never looked back, because he was too much of a coward for that.

—

a/n: should we do a part 2 ??

156 notes · View notes

localsharkcryptid · 9 hours ago

Note

I'd love to hear about it :D

Okay so! Admittedly this entire 'Good Ending' AU is a lot of concepts and ideas so imma just put down a bunch of the main and favorite notes I have so far with it!

If I ever do anything with this it'll probably be a fair amount of one-shots or short stories, and I do wanna hammer home that EVERYONE in this AU gets a good ending - no exclusions, full DSMP cast, if I don't write things on certain characters it's generally due to me just not knowing their lore well enough to give specifics on what they'd be doing or just not having set ideas atm.

Mostly for Context Notes:

- I won't say the canon ending is retconned but more so it doesn't happen the same way due to some changes! The Eggpire ending is important though and still plays out mostly the same. Which leads into The Egg becoming this bigger force that everyone has to work together against - thus leading to a final server wide 'truce' in a way that allows for things to finally settle. (Generally going with a concept that the Egg originally surfaced due to all the previous wars, the death drawing it out so it could be found, therefore people figure this out and it becomes a sort of for the greater good situation)

- Additionally the server doesn't reset again due to XD making a very specific deal with George, in an attempt to finally be free of the Admin's influence/all the dream coma bullshittery, George effectively tricks XD into becoming mortal and giving up his status as Admin - officially freeing the server from the loop.

- After the truce, the idea of countries kinda dissolves, while the locations all remain they become more so cities/towns all apart of the same thing again! Also with the server being "freed" the SMP starts gaining citizens after a bit! So actual populations for everywhere!!! Also totally not an excuse for me to make OCs, definitely not (I say like a liar)

- This is a good ending but also I will note it takes a while for a lot of people to become comfortable again with each other, and honestly I don't think there's a lot of forgiveness either, it's more so people choosing to move on from the past. So a lot of my ideas for shenanigans/light hearted stuff are written with the idea of it being like 2-3 years post 'ending'

Other Notes! Just some more miscellaneous thoughts honestly.

- Dream ends up as part of a syndicate as one would assume, Punz is considered an honorary member and of all people, Purpled also joins the ranks, he gets picked up by someone some time after the Las Nevadas finale and that leads to him joining them, whereas the other two show up later on.

- Pandora's Vault ends up being entirely renovated, it being pretty damn difficult now to tell what it was and turned into a proper home, it's a long process mostly headed by Sam in his long list of things he's done to "apologize" after having his world view shattered (he learns that the staged finale was, well, staged and has a mental crisis for like 3 weeks over that and realizing he is, in fact, the bad guy) also his plot goes slightly differently, being based on a roleplay I have going rn! Generally Sam returns to the Vault initially to hide out from people/so they'll 'get over' him being a shit person and it leads into him eventually siding with and eventually ending up with Dream (Awesamdrunz is a dynamic that is borderline crack to me and yes it's going in here) - this is the main factor that changes stuff with the nuke part of the og ending, as Tommy and Tubbo get effectively curb stomped by Sam when they attempt to kill Dream the first time around and don't really try it again.

- While it takes a bit, DTeam do reunite, it's shaky at first (especially with Dream's chosen partners, Punz is pretty neutral as always - he's good at keeping his opinions to himself even if he tends to clash with Sap a lot. As for Sam, well, it's more so that Sapnap and George rightfully hate his fucking guts for awhile) but they have bi-weekly if not more meet-ups to hang out and do things like they used to. They end up eventually building another community house somewhere between Kinoko and the main SMP, this one being more so just a designated hang out.

- Bad ends up taking over looking after a lot of the main server, especially with new arrivals. He's kinda a one-man welcome committee and does a pretty good job. He also tries to host little get togethers now and again (mostly for DTeam/The Manhunt Crew and whoever they wanna bring along) also you cannot tell me that he wouldn't have like weekend bake sales as the SMP gains a proper population. Someone needs to enjoy the muffins.

- Wilbur & Tommy end up making their own book club to rival the syndicate cause both of them aren't allowed in Techno's fancy book club (they think it's an actual book club, so yeah). Sam gets roped into it one day when he shows up to pick up Dream & Punz, Tubbo inevitably gets roped in as well. It's a time and they insist on using Phil's living room for meetings. Phil hates this - also Sam's 8ft ass can barely fit in the room, it's very cramped for him.

---

I've got more but those will be going to the other ask I've got :)

#dsmp au #dream smp au #GoodEndingAU #the cryptid speaks

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merv606 · 10 months ago

Note

Puritanverse: Poor newlywed Daniel gets criticized soundly by an Omega elder at Church for tempting his Alpha husband, and therefore making him display so much physical affection to him in public. The hand holding, the tight holds, the kisses.

“Do you want other Alphas to think poorly of your husband because of you? This behavior is unseemly, both in public and private. If you tempt your Alpha like this in public, it makes me shudder to think of your behavior with him in private. Have some restraint!”

Which makes Daniel worried and and frightened sad that he has brought shame upon his Alpha, and offended the Lord in the process—and which makes him shy away from Terry when they are out in public, but also shy away from him in private. Avoiding even the most simple of touches.

Which concerns Terry as to why his normally sweet and affectionate Omega is suddenly keeping him at bay, and why he is so aloof as of late…

They’re at market, holding hands as they walk through the crowds that are just starting to gather.

They come earlier than most.

Terry has a firm grasp on the hand tucked in his, and sometimes it moves to Daniel’s wrist or upper arm.

Warning off any alpha who should have the wrong idea that his little mate was available.

Even though he’s showing, his appeal now is even greater than before.

Daniel is talking to an older beta woman manning a stand selling various spices.

Terry has staff for this but it makes his little mate happy.

To be out and about, talking to the vendors and people around him that seem to flock to him.

Picking out ingredients for supper tonight.

Although he doesn’t technically have the duties some omegas have, not needing to lift a finger really, he insists on cooking for them, and Terry finds he cannot deny his little omega anything he wants.

Not that smutty but long under the cut

Longing glances as they approach a flower stand, Daniel stopping to smell the various ones.

He has quite the green thumb, this little mate, and the gardens around their house for which Terry gave him free rein have never been better.

Although as the small bump he’s sporting continues to grow he will have to accept more of the gardener’s help.

“Would you like them?” Terry asks, a hand on the small of his back.

His little omega never asks for things - something Terry is working on.

He nods, daring a small kiss to the alpha’s cheek, which he has to lean down to accept, and they leave with the bouquets they can carry - Terry will have someone pick up the rest.

Once home he watches his little mate busy himself with getting ingredients out for baking, once he has arranged the flowers in various vases around the house.

Daniel loves the smell of cookies as it fills the house, and although Terry doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, they never last long with all the staff that he can share them with.

Today though, they have a different intended audience. There is a bake sale at the church and Daniel’s cookies are always highly sought after. They are always the highest money maker.

Terry steals kisses where he can, and a few handfuls of supple flesh before he’s playfully being pushed away and remanded, spoon up and pointed in Terry’s direction.

After that he starts supper, some new casserole dish he saw in his omega magazines he loves so much. Various ones about how to keep home and a happy husband, how to be a good omega and mate, and more recently, on having pups.

Putting the food in oven, Terry comes up behind him, resting his hands on the small swell of Daniel’s stomach, his hands covering it entirely.

“Will it take long?” He asks.

“A few hours - I’ll check it in a bit.”

The still have a cook - his little omega had suffered on and off with sickness in his pregnancy and sometimes tires in the afternoon.

“Are you hungry? I can make you something now to tide you over.”

He had been remiss in his duties if his alpha is.

“Oh I’m hungry all right,” he says grabbing his little mate by the waist and turning him, opening his shirt to reveal the slowly hardening nipples, puffier than normal, as their child grows inside.

Daniel blushes. He had given himself to his husband this morning, but it seems it’s never enough for his alpha, who himself, while older than Daniel, is still young and virile himself, and Terry ends up having him there in the kitchen. Terryon his knees, face buried in Daniel’s omegan cunt, before burning himself in there, Daniel flat on his back on the table, his legs spread wide on his husband’s broad shoulders.

————

Terry stays away from the chittering omegas for most of the bake sale, talking to the other alphas he knows.

As predicted, Daniel’s goods sell out first, and Terry remarks wistfully that there is nothing left for him to buy and take home, before taking his mate’s lips in a kiss.

“Guess taking you home will have to do.”

Daniel’s face burns bright red, at both the innuendo and the kiss, which, turned out anything but chaste.

“I’d prefer to eat you anyway,” he whispers and now his face is scarlet.

An older omega walks by, tsking and Terry doesn’t recognize her from Daniel’s usual group he surrounds himself with.

He sees his little mate shrink back a bit and wonders what drama went down in the weird world of omega politics.

She had waited until he was alone. The little group of omegas he surrounds himself with are protective of him.

She had spat vitriol at him, insulting him and Terry before finally adding, “and some propriety. That outfit shows your bump. No one needs to know you and your alpha had relations and are with his child - that is hidden.”

Daniel looks down - he doesn’t think the outfit is inappropriate.

Terry had picked this out after all - as he does all of Daniel’s outfit. He likes to show off that he has gotten his mate with child so quickly - a source of great pride.

It had taken on their wedding night after all, the first time Daniel had an alpha inside him, the first time he was filled with his husband’s seed.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you still were having relations,” she had continued, “even though everyone knows a good and proper omega only receives their husband for the purpose of having a child.”

They head home, and something comes up that requires Terry’s attention and he sees his mate again at supper.

However, after, when Daniel has served him his nightly drink of scotch, he goes to pull him in his lap, and the little omega softly admits he wishes to head up to bed.

“Are you tired?” Terry asks. He did a lot today, and yesterday, preparing for the sale, and did not take a nap. He may be exhausted.

He nods and Terry kisses his cheek, walking him up to bed, helping him in.

When he finally joins his mate in slumber, he gathers him in his arms, Daniel’s back to his chest, hand going to rest on the curve of his stomach.

His little mate, still sound asleep, snuggles back, sighing contentedly.

The next morning is a different story though.

It’s not as though he’s avoiding Terry, but he seems to be avoiding Terry’s touch.

His little omega had been shy when the, so far, small changes to his body had started, but Terry had assured him how much he loves him like this, and how he can’t wait for more.

He wonders though, if he’s discomforted - aches and pains would be normal - he is growing Terry’s child safe inside. Terry has a masseuse and whatever else he may need on call but if he needs to call for the doctor ….

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Or course.”

Maybe it’s his hormones. Terry lets him be - seeing how receptive he will be come afternoon.

Afternoon though, seems to not be much better and his little mate seems sad almost.

This goes on for a few days before Terry hits his limit.

It was also not lost on Terry that the little omega has taken to wearing his old shirts which Terry loves, although it swims on him concealing the form and bump under it - seeing him in his clothes drives Terry crazy.

The wearing Terry’s old shirts is normal, the scent of his alpha calms him, but it’s only normal around the house.

When out, Terry prefers that Daniel wear something which highlights the current state he’s in. Daniel knows this, yet still he is there, in an oversized shirt, waiting for Terry to take him to the market.

“Why are you denying me little one?” He asks gently.

Daniel looks on the verge of tears.

“If something is wrong,” he lays a hand on the small swell. “If you feel unwell.”

“Nothing is wrong alpha.”

And that’s another thing. While he loves being called alpha while Daniel is in the throes of passion, in their day to day he usually refers to Terry by his name.

“I am worried,” Terry starts, “of your behaviour these last few days.”

“I don’t mean to worry you, I ….” he starts to sob now. “It seems no matter what I do my behaviour is unacceptable.” He sobs harder.

At a loss for what that means, he’s never reprimanded his omega for his behaviour. Why would he have to? In Terry’s eyes, it is impeccable.

“Come now,” he gathers his omega in his arms rubbing comforting circles on his back.

Once in the safety of his alpha’s arms, the story comes out and if his little omega wasn’t so upset, Terry would find it humorous.

“I’ve been a bad mate. I didn’t mean to bring you shame.” The crying starts over again.

Terry sighs, having a feeling this is to do with the mysterious reaction at the bake sale. He’ll get what a happened out of his little mate, at any rate.

“You,” he stress as he takes his mate’s chin in his hand, forcing Daniel to look at him, “are anything but. You could never be a bad mate and you do not bring me shame. Only pride at having such a lovely mate.”

Red rimmed eyes stare at him.

“You are everything I want. Everything I didn’t know I needed. Everything I didn’t know I was missing.”

“I like holding hands when we are out,” Daniel admits, like it’s some great scandalous secret. “I didn’t know I was tempting you.”

Terry has to stifle a laugh at that one. The little omega is so very tempting that is true but, Terry’s behaviour towards the omega in public is innocent at best, only truly skirting the edges of propriety once or twice.

If he could, he’d take Daniel in front of everyone, show them how good he gives it to his mate; how he begs and pleads for the alpha’s touch.

“I am your alpha, am I not?”

“Of course,” he agrees, fiercely.

“And I and I alone know what is best.”

“Of course sir. I do not doubt this,” he says indignant now.

That little spark of attitude tells Terry he’s coming around.

“Well, these touches are because I want to - because it shows everyone who you belong to.”

“So It’s not me tempting you?”

“Oh you tempt me,” he leers obnoxiously, and it has the desired effect, his omega giggling, “but touching you in any manner brings me joy.”

A hand on his face now and he is pleased when the little omega leans into it, like a cat being petted.

“Besides, touching you, having you, are my husbandly rights. My god given right as your alpha.”

“What were our vows?”

“To honour and obey you, sir.”

“That’s right, and what is your number one job?

Daniel lays a hand on his stomach.

Terry smiles, “and after that?”

“Be a good omega and mate.”

“And …” Terry prompts, “how do you do that?”

“By keeping you satisfied.”

“And how do you satisfy me?”

He blushes, unable now to answer, but it’s from embarrassment now. The innocent act, although genuine is down regards, he is still naive in the true depths of Terry’s desire, and the things he has yet to be introduced to, drives Terry wild because he knows once Daniel’s on his cock, bouncing like some wanton cock slut, he goes from coy and innocent to whore almost instantly.

That he can be fucked so dirty but unable to speak the words.

“This keeps me satisfied,” he answers for him, a chase kiss to the lips while he hands drops down to rest where his special omega place is, just beyond the fabric of his clothes, although he doesn’t try to put his hand inside.

“You fulfilling your marital duties is being a good mate.”

He beams as the alpha wipes away the tears.

“From now on I want you to tell me things as soon as they bother you little one. It pains me to see you so distressed, and it isn’t good for the baby,” he adds.

Daniel looks horrified now, but Terry cuts that off.

“Now now, I never meant it like that,” and the omega relaxes, snuggling into his alpha’s embrace.

“Actually,” he announces, “from now on, you shall be telling me all the conversations you have at these things.”

“Yes, alpha.”

Daniel wonder if there isn’t any problem his alpha can’t solve.

A hand works up under the large shirt finding a plump nipple, and the omega whimpers.

“And you’ll be a good omega for me and spread for me now?”

Terry brings his omega’s hand down to his cock, hard under his pants.

“That is because of you after all …. For being so tempting,” he winks.

Daniel blushes but, looks at Terry through lowered lashes.

“Of course, Sir. Whatever pleases you. I wish to be a good mate for you,” he says as he takes the shirt off, standing in only his underwear; Terry’s handiwork on full display.

Daniel does please his mate, several times over that afternoon alone, making up for lost time.

#ask #I got an ask 🤩#cobra kai #daniel larusso #karate kid #terry silver #silverusso #silverrusso #I need a puritan verse

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clarajohnson · 1 year ago

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the magicians s1e11

threesome episode aka best episode of television of all time

so we've got the virgo blade and the leo. whole knifey zodiac do we think?

okay this is where i start to see the margo i love dearly. she and eliot are unbelievably reasonable and pragmatic about the deal-striking (also alice. malice 4ever.) and it doesn't read as a lack of emotion to me. particularly for margo it feels like she sees it as a weighing of consequences and she knows it's going to be worse if they don't do this. she's smart and cares about the greater good!

i always forget how gross this show can be until they do something like the classroom death scene.

"i'm just a little shaky, i don't like dying" / "i am fabulous, aren't i?" these women are so the entire world to me.

"i agree with quentin." "that's because he blows you!"

all free trader beowulf scenes make me nervous because i know what's going to happen and it makes me desperately sad

i don't object to the read that julia is "god-touched" but i wouldn't ever accept that as an "explanation" of things i think are part of her inherent character. like, she's smart and talented and hard-working and resilient because she's julia, not because she's god-touched. yes?

"i'm in too. i heard the word illegal."

ah horribly brutal episode poor penny's mentor

"magic missile? that's like straight up dungeons and dragons" me every time i use magic missile playing straight up dungeons and dragons

okay but what do we think q plays in dnd

"what if we got guns?" and q's "no, fillory is a pristine non-industrialized society" prime directive blah blah blah bullshit is so crazy to me. margo is so very, very right. she is SO RIGHT to care about their lives-- even if they wouldn't win that way-- over q's concern for a world that, frankly, he doesn't know is really real, just loves because fillory was his childhood.

there is something deeply funny about the picture they make in julia's doorway-- q and alice and el and margo standing there like a school field trip, which is exactly what you know kady thinks they look like.

i do feel bad for penny! but he picks some shit music to dissociate to!

"giving a shit about somebody you give a shit about doesn't evaporate the second they fuck up."

emotion bottles my beloved

i like that emotions are hot pink. they would be, i think.

i like your sweater. i saw no reason not to share.

unfortunately there is no way in hell that an unfeeling q (and therefore, i have to think, a not-socially-anxious q) would use the phrase "fuck some shit up"

jesus christ in heaven the first few seconds with the emotions back are going to get to me in a major majorrrrrr way. el being perfectly capable of repressing his emotions immediately. (well. sort of.) alice's first impulse being to emphasize that she loves quentin, loves him so much, and q wouldn't have said it back but he can't help saying it back and also telling her that he's all alone. margo asking, in the saddest little baby voice in the world, why aren't we friends anymore, el? everyone here should go to therapy.

poor miraculous julia i love you so much i'm so sorry about everything that's about to happen. very interested in olu calling her her "beautiful daughter." i don't think that's an everyone term and i do think it's fitting that jules gets it.

alice giggling and high-fiving penny and hugging him... best girl in history.

also it's kind of nuts that you can't use your emotions in battle magic. like, that's the implication. and it seems like the inverse to what i would have expected.

they walk through margo's bedroom door and i am seated popcorn and an icee

there's this thing about you, q. you actually believe in magic. we all know it's real but you believe in it.

do we actually believe that margo's never loved something like that? i'm not really inclined to say that. honestly. just don't buy it.

eliot waugh man with the longest arms in the world

yes i do consider the threesome a kind of church service and yes i think it is deeply deeply awful, the consequences of that act for alice. how selfish and unthinking q was in that moment, even tho he is my beautiful baby son, it just kills me thinking about his willingness to do something like that despite the impact on alice.

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW QUENTIN WAS THE ONE WHO KISSED ELIOT

#little bit of a jumpscare in that last moment lol #unauthorized magicians rewatch #the magicians #text

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lindajenni · 9 months ago

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feb 16

familiar friday - weary or not, here i come "and let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." gal 6:9 are you growing weary yet? the word has warned us that "because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. matt 23:12 it's alright to get weary in our race. it is not alright to forfeit the race. yes, there will be times when the other side seems to be winning. it is precisely those times when we have to look beyond ourselves to the One who has already won the race. He has said, "My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 cor 12:9 believe me, the glory of God will be poured out in these latter days. we do not give up. we give in. give into God and let Him have His perfect way. or, as a friend used to say, "let go and let God". can it be that we need to come to the end of ourselves to really see the glory of God manifested in us? often as we go along in this battle, we tend to feel it is us "carrying the load". IT IS NOT! He has said, "I also say ... on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it." matt 16:18 the "I" is not us but Him. "for You have also done all our works in us." isa 26:12 several years ago the Lord gave me a few verses that i would hum in my mind over and over. perhaps it should have been a song, but alas, in that i failed also. it goes like this: I'll be with you to keep you in all that you must do. and if you must go through this trial I'll put new strength in you. there remains a sabbath rest that I will lead you to. it's where all your works have ended and My Spirit reigns in you. sometimes we go through a trial because it is of our own making. He would not have led us there, but our flesh did. even in those times, He will be there to help pick up the pieces and turn it around for our good and His glory. that's His promise. "I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support." heb 13:5 ampc it is always the "pressing" of thing that produce the greater value, be it olives, grapes or lives. we must willing submit to the pressing. we must willing submit to the firing which will bring forth the purest gold. and so, "we are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed — always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body." 2 cor 4:8-9 "therefore we do not lose heart. even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. for our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 cor 4:16-18 i have quoted extensively from the bible today. the beauty and truth of the word of God expresses it better than i ever could. i can only add my hope that you will endure whatever may be "pressing" you. be it finances, health, persecutions, lost loved ones, whatever. our Lord is there for each of us. "Father, give us eyes to see beyond to your intended purpose. all our trust, hope and faith is in You alone. 'as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.'" 2 cor 1:5 in the name of our Lord Jesus we pray.

#prayer #faith #rapture #jesus #jesus is coming

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areallybadwriter · 1 year ago

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7/5

Im writing this while my power is out so excuse me if it seems a little scatterbrained at points. A general update of my life I guess:

I am moving to the city on august 1st (hopefully). I say hopefully because we have yet to come up with an actual place to live - two friends and I have scavenged the rental apps and the one already living in the city has used a realtor friend to help find and tour places. We applied for one dreamboat of an apartment (besides from no laundry in unit) for $45 a pop, which meant $90 for those with cosigners, and received the news that we didn’t get it hours after paying. So, we picked up and started our search again, which ended with a more expensive option on an unknown street with an even greater application fee. The three of us have now payed $150 each for this apartments application fee an gone through all of the very thorough steps to ensure we have a good chance of getting it. One of the cosigners submitted a picture of his couch instead of his ID, thus halting the process, and my cosigner (my beautiful mother) had to make a statement pertaining to her certain late payments and bankruptcy, but im sure we’ll all laugh about it soon enough on our porch. Hopefully. I am ready to move out of this college town and forget about a lot of the people still occupying it. I am ready to grow more and while ive been doing a lot of it, I think I need to flap my wings elsewhere. We have a full group moving there around the same time, all from the college town and all rooming together in a couple different apartments. The boys house and the girls house, etc. So, we have the support system of friends and familiar routes of downtown that ive known for years now and I am excited to continue in that direction. It feels really strange to move of the state that ive never moved out of before, leaving my family and old stomping grounds behind and therefore all of my memories as well. I fear that once I move and settle in, I won’t make it back to visit my hometown as much. With how the dynamic is currently, I think that means I just point blank will not see my family as much because they don’t believe in coming to visit me (I am the one to always drive an hour and a half home to see them and the dog). We will see. I also don’t have a job lined up yet, but I trust that I will find one soon enough. I know myself and I know that I can make ends meet when necessary and I also don’t mind struggling for a bit to do so. I will probably first start out in the service industry, as I have been since 2016, just to make some quick money and then find a more stable, salaried position. That is the plan, anyways.

Moving states has also ushered in a new era of my love life - one where I am moving on from people and trying to leave them in my past. Some are easier to leave than others. My real (this applies later) ex ben is someone who ive been “over” for quite some time but we have had on and off contact since the actual breakup. Years now, which is crazy! Some of it has been good, and some of it has been downright confusing for my pea brain when not given the right amount of affection from other people in the months leading up to one of these catch-up sessions with him. I get all googly-eyed for what could’ve been and old memories and all of that, but I know beyond surface level we are two very different people who have only grown more different since the breakup. We don’t want the same things, the values aren’t there, whatever. The most recent happenings with him have been a sort of pattern where I get drunk and say some dumb shit (which to be expected, im 23 years old, but he lacks relatability to other 23 year olds so everything I do is dumb shit) and then block him because I feel as if I want him out of my life for good BECAUSE my brain gets all loopy but then we somehow reconnect, see each other to catch up and exchange niceties and maybe even flirt a lot and then the cycle continues. Right now we are on a blocked period but I intend to keep it that way. There are only so many times we can ask about each others moms and quite frankly he’s not very nice and doesn’t even seem to want to see me (when he’s the one asking to!). So honestly he’s not hard to leave behind in this aspect because we’ve been moved on for quite some time and I think we just need to leave it alone.

The one I do have trouble leaving behind is you guessed it - wyoming (ding, ding, ding). Much more complicated than any other relationship I’ve had, he’s never even been considered my actual partner so really it’s unfair. Since the last update to this cursed little story, we entered into some pseudo relationship around the time we went to the city together on like a 30 hour trip. For whatever reason, he actually decided to go with me, and for whatever reason, everything changed after that. We got home and continued to act like our city-forms. The most affection ive received from the man since 2016, it shook me to my core. And oh god, the physicality of it all. Its one thing to cherish someone from 2,000 miles away but when you’re in the same state and can look eye to eye and hold their hand and lay in their bed and wash their body with your own two hands in the shower, its a different ballgame. So no wonder it absolutely destroyed me when it crashed and burned (something that I really should’ve expected, but I was on planet bliss). We dated until mid-april and then I think he thought that I expected too much of him which made him nervous and mean and standoffish which in turn made me nervous and mean and standoffish and it was buried soon after that. I don’t even want to know how many times I blocked then unblocked him within that month period.

There were a few times after that that the flame would get reignited for just a bit but it never flourished again in the same way and we never really got back to our normal talking cycle either. I think it all being in person did really affect us differently this time. I don’t know if we can ever go back to just being best friends. Anyways, ill go into the most recent interaction as its the one freshest in my brain and honestly the reminder I needed to update this journal again. I will set the scene. I was visiting my family back in my hometown because my grandma was in town and I had a couple days off. At that point, wyoming and I were okay with each other but not making any effort to hang out or anything (lets be real, he wasn’t having it. I would’ve in a heartbeat). On the way out of my hometown, I drive past his house on my route and that particular day I was feeling feisty and like I needed a cigarette. i had the cigarettes but the problem was I didn’t have a lighter. Half excuse, half necessity, I texted him when I was about a minute away from his neighborhood asking if I could borrow a light on the fly. He surprisingly answered fast, so I was in his driveway the very next moment. It was the first time I saw him in person since April (except for the one time I sat at the bar he worked at) and I was so giddy. He was very, very high so his face was all puffy and his eyes were glazed over and he actually seemed happy to see me. We went back and forth for a few minutes and then I decided to ask him to hang out the day before July 4th and he agreed. It was the first time we actually had plans to do something in months, so I left feeling good about it and it might’ve been the best tasting cigarette ive ever had. fast forward to July 3rd, I got off work around noon, power napped, got ready (which including mulling over what to wear for soooo long because I was nervous), and drove the hour and a half back to my hometown. I was already going to be in town for July 4th, so plans with Wyoming were just an added reason why I was driving up there - although I wouldn’t have rushed back so quickly without those extra plans. I even bought a little bottle of Jameson for us to split for some liquid courage (and it was his favorite). We kept each other updated that day and planned to meet up a little later in the evening as he had some homework and chores to get done. I waited to fully get ready until those plans were confirmed because nothing pisses me off more than putting on makeup or doing my hair for something and then it getting canceled. 8 pm rolls around and he is done with his tasks and out of the shower and I am ready to go. Can you guess what happens next? He says he doesn’t really want to do anything to which I reply that ill just come over and we can figure it out then (thinking he’s just referring to activity). He doesn’t respond for a minute, so I say “or are you saying you don’t want to hang at all?”. He basically responds with some bullshit about not feeling like hanging out with anyone and continues to completely stand me up. I had already left because I didn’t want to wait around my family anymore and ended up driving myself to go see a movie at the art cinema in town. I got a child size coke and some mini Reeses cups and watched the most heart wrenching movie available to me (of course one about childhood friends to lovers to friends to lovers throughout 24 years) and sobbed the whole time. Sobbed until my face was all puffed up and my eyes felt like they were on fire. It was healing but not something I wanted the opportunity to do.

unfinished but...

xoxo anon

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caesarflickermans · 2 years ago

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What do you think about Star Crossed Lover strategy on the 74th THG?

Who did invent it?

Who benefited from it?

Thank you, @curiousnonny

Some of what is mentioned here are my own headcanons as plenty here is highly speculative, so here we go:

The star-crossed lovers term has been first mentioned by Haymitch in the books and ever since then it has been Katniss' thoughts -- no direct quotations -- that describe how the Capitol perceives them or how she must keep up the act of the star-crossed lovers. However, in the movies it's also Caesar who picks up on it (I'm unsure if he even says it first, but I might be wrong) and that seems rather suspicious, no?

The term itself, of course, is only representing an idea: It's the thought of selling a love story between two tributes who would usually not go home together. It makes for a great television story and I assume it very much was created right here, when Peeta requested to be trained alone:

“Well, there’s been a change of plans. About our current approach,” says Haymitch. “What’s that?” I ask. I’m not sure what our current approach is. Trying to appear mediocre in front of the other tributes is the last bit of strategy I remember. Haymitch shrugs. “Peeta has asked to be coached separately.”

Following that line, Peeta and Katniss do some last training in the first book. One session with Effie, one session with Haymitch. After the session that Peeta has with Haymitch, the following dialogue occurs:

Peeta and Haymitch seem in pretty good moods, so I’m thinking the content session should be an improvement over the morning. I couldn’t be more wrong.

A few pages later:

“What’s Peeta’s approach? Or am I not allowed to ask?” I say. “Likable. He has a sort of self-deprecating humor naturally,” says Haymitch. “Whereas when you open your mouth, you come across more as sullen and hostile.”

And then, shortly after, the interviews happen.

“Handsome lad like you. There must be some special girl. Come on, what’s her name?” says Caesar.

This, of course, describes the creation of the love story. Caesar asks Peeta, Peeta (likely) prepared for this during the session with Haymitch. Remember: He wants to seem likable. He has some self-depcreating humour. Why else would Peeta want to be trained alone, if not for the preparation of confessing his feelings for Katniss? They barely even discuss anything else; the rose smelling is a comedic and fun thing, but that's maybe 30 seconds of his interview time.

Therefore, it is highly likely that Peeta had wanted to confess his feelings. It seems far too convenient that Caesar asks that question, which leads to the second theory: Caesar knew which questions he had to ask.

Now, of course this could be the norm. Caesar and the mentors could discuss what their tributes lives' are about. He could know which questions to ask, which family members might be important.

However, he doesn't really do that as much with the other tributes. He asks Katniss about Primrose, a person which he has seen on screen, and not about e.g. her father.

Yet, with Peeta, he always seems to be asking the right questions to receive the right answers. And while Peeta is a charming person and great at interviews, that's quite the coincidence.

Whether Caesar knew and was part of some greater plans is, of course, up for your speculation (I think he knew), but no matter what: He certainly was fed the right questions to ask both for the star-crossed lovers as well as the baby angle.

This leads to the question of who benefitted from it.

Most certainly, Peeta, Katniss, and Haymitch. The former two survived and the latter one managed to bring two tributes back home and not see them die a cruel death.

However, there's obviously more to it. Katniss' nightlock act was an act of love. Whether romantic feelings or feelings of companionship (I shall leave that to the Everlark crowd), much of what Katniss did in the 74th arena was about love rather than destruction. Rue was. Killing Marvel was (as an act of grief from love). Saving Peeta was. Getting the medicine for Peeta. Eating (and then not eating) the nightlock was.

So, the star-crossed lovers narrative with someone who was willed to step up for her sister, that's all a pretty nice story, no?

And that leads me to my third theory: Not only was the rebel group a beneficiary of the star-crossed lovers narrative, they also likely aided in its creation and outcome.

I've never decided the exact timeframe when Plutarch and Co. jumped into action, but we know Plutarch was present during Katniss' training, and I doubt that was merely placed in the books for a fun line in the second one.

A lot of what happened to Katniss in the first book was incredibly convenient. Cinna being her designer, Caesar asking Peeta about love, many of the arena events (the bow being there same as the string in the 75th, that it's fire that Katniss is escaping, that Rue finds her, that there are nightlocks which weren't even part of the training). Cinna even ended up designing the Mockingjay outfit. How lucky that Katniss just happened to stumble over the one designer who was rebellious, huh?

I think a lot of what had happened prior was no coincidence and likely orchestrated by larger forces that come to reveal themselves by the end of Catching Fire.

I don't want to name a specific timing when exactly all things came together, but, personally, I think Plutarch had been waiting in the shadows for a while and knew when he spotted a potential "Mockingjay" (Collins' term, not mine). I am willed to say that Primrose's name being in there was a coincidence, but I also don't entirely disagree with theories that even her name being there was part of a larger plan. A lot seems to work out too well, even the Mockingjay pin, perhaps.

So, the rebel group quite obviously benefitted from the narrative and, to me, it seems they also aided in the creation of the star-crossed lovers idea in order to build Katniss as the rebellions' figurehead. We know that, at minimum, they had been waiting for 10 years (I think a bit longer). So why not manipulate their luck? It seems a very Plutarch thing to do.

#anon #inbox #the hunger games #thg #thg analysis

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no-reply95 · 3 years ago

Text

The Power Of Framing: John and Paul

Over the last few days I've been posting some quotes of interest that I'd bookmarked from Mark Lewisohn's Tune In book.

Tune In's reputation preceded it, every Beatles podcast I listened to mentioned it, Lewisohn's name either came up in conversation or the man himself would turn up for an interview so it got to the point that Tune In was so ubiquitous that I had to read the book and form an opinion for myself.

There are a lot of opinions I have on Tune In, both good and bad, but I'm not going touch on all of that here, at least not in this post.

The aspect of Lewisohn's narrative style that I want to get into is the way he frames the "bad" behaviour displayed by John and Paul.

There are two quotes from the book that I want to analyse, I'll start with John first:

John

“George was second only to John in the swallowing of Prellies and knew better than most the sum effect of taking too many for too long, how the combination of pills plus booze plus several sleepless days caused hallucinations and extreme conduct. He’d describe one occasion when he, Paul and Pete were lying in their bunk beds, trying to sleep, only for John to barge into the room in a wild state. ‘One night John came in and some chick was in bed with Paul and he cut all her clothes up with a pair of scissors, and was stabbing the wardrobe. Everybody was lying in bed thinking, “Oh fuck, I hope he doesn’t kill me.” [He was] a frothing mad person - he knew how to have “fun”.

Handling John was something his friends were well used to doing. If he didn’t murder them in their beds there was no greater buddy. They might fear for their lives but they loved him still. No way would they walk out and join another group. John was just John, and Paul and George’s hero-worship stayed fully intact.”

The above passage comes from the stint in Hamburg directly after Stu's death. John had always been the one to take the most prellies, as Lewisohn highlights, but he relays the fact that John was even more messed up than before subsequent to Stu's sudden death. I've highlighted a couple of lines from the extract to highlight how John's behaviour is framed by Lewisohn:

"the combination of pills plus booze plus several sleepless days caused hallucinations and extreme conduct"

From the outset Lewisohn is careful to outline the fact that John is under the influence of both bills and booze as well as being exhausted as a result of "several sleepless days" which has the sum impact of causing hallucinations and "extreme conduct" so in short, Lewisohn suggests that this behaviour from John is atypical and directly related to the substances and conditions he is under, the subsequent behaviour he displays, therefore, isn't a function of his innate personality, just a reaction to the chemicals and circumstances he currently finds himself beholden to.

"he, Paul and Pete were lying in their bunk beds, trying to sleep"

In terms of those impacted by John's actions, it isn't one individual that Lewisohn highlights, it's George, Paul and Pete, which to me suggests that anyone could have been on the receiving end of John's outburst. When describing the bedroom scene prior to John's entrance, Lewisohn describes the three guys as "trying to sleep", so a picture is painted of a quiet room where there's a lack of activity as everyone is tired and, either on their way to or currently, asleep.

"some chick was in bed with Paul and he cut all her clothes up with a pair of scissors, and was stabbing the wardrobe"

Firstly, the story that George relates (source Anthology, 2000), unlike the scene Lewisohn sets, makes it clear that there was only one target for John's outburst, not George, Pete or even Paul but an unnamed woman whose only crime was to be "in bed with Paul" so, far from trying to get to sleep, Paul was in fact having sex with this woman when John barged into the room. John, in the altered state that he's in, zeroes in on this woman by cutting up her clothes and stabbing at the wardrobe - it's a scary scene that George describes, so what is the lasting impression Lewisohn leaves us with?

"John was just John, and Paul and George’s hero-worship stayed fully intact.”

Despite the shock of the scene that George describes, ultimately John's behaviour has no lasting impact on his relationships with the others or on the future of the band. Lewisohn confirms that "Paul and George's hero-worship stayed fully intact" so not only was their view of John unharmed but they continued to hold him in the highest possible esteem, but how did they rationalise the unpredictability of John's behaviour? Well, "John was just John" the others knew that this was how John got from time to time, this was nothing new for them and their hero worship continued on, the core relationships were unaffected and the operation of the band was unscathed because there was no way that George and Paul would ever leave and join another band so, all in all, no harm done.

Paul

“Brian, John and George went to the Beehive and John used a public box to call Paul, returning with the message ‘He says he’s not coming.’ Brian must have been apoplectic: they’d be unable to play the booking, letting down the university and their paying audience, embarrassing him, ruining their chance of a rebooking, and undoing his repair work to the Beatles’ old bad reputation. He went back to his office to phone Paul, but Paul refused to speak. Jim informed Brian that Paul said he wouldn’t be turning up, and that was that.

Recalling the night five years later, Paul told of how, having discovered Brian and the others hadn’t waited outside his house for him, he decided ‘Fuck them - if they can’t be arsed waiting for me, I can’t be arsed going after them. So I sat down and watched telly.’ Jim was unable to persuade Paul to change his mind. Paul said he’d felt he’d always been ‘the keen one’, so now he’d go sharp the other way and make no effort at all.

John saw a bigger picture, and it would be surprising if it wasn’t equally obvious, or made obvious to Brian and George. He likened Paul’s enduring snag with Brian to his other long-standing difficulty: ‘[Brian] and Paul didn’t get along - it was a bit like [Stuart and Paul] between the two of them’.”

The above passage comes from a time in the Beatles' career, not long after they've agreed to take Brian on as their manager. Brian's hard work on their behalf is starting to pay off and they're getting the opportunity to do loads of gigs for good money. Lewisohn discusses an instance where Brian goes to 20 Forthlin Road to pick up Paul for the night's gig only to be told that he's running late and won't be able to get going for a while. As with the first passage, I've highlighted a couple of lines to highlight how Paul's behaviour is framed:

"Brian must have been apoplectic"

In this passage Lewisohn provides his interpretation of how Brian must have felt to turn up at Paul's house only to find that he'd defied his instructions to be on time. Right from the beginning of this story we are able to empathise with Brian, as the principle victim of Paul's actions.

"letting down the university and their paying audience, embarrassing him, ruining their chance of a rebooking, and undoing his repair work to the Beatles’ old bad reputation."

For the avoidance of doubt, Lewisohn details the wide reaching impact of Paul's behaviour and the list of the aggrieved is long: the university, the paying audience and ultimately the band, all the hard work that they and Brian have put in has been undone by Paul's actions and the tarnished reputation of old is back with a vengeance.

"John saw a bigger picture, and it would be surprising if it wasn’t equally obvious, or made obvious to Brian and George. He likened Paul’s enduring snag with Brian to his other long-standing difficulty: ‘[Brian] and Paul didn’t get along - it was a bit like [Stuart and Paul] between the two of them’.”

If the reader was left wondering if this was a one-off incident or if Paul was just having a bad day that he'd taken out on Brian, Lewisohn suggests that this was, in fact, part of a pattern of behaviour as "John saw a bigger picture" and Lewisohn remarks that "it would be surprising" if both Brian and George weren't equally aware of the bigger forces at play here. To reinforce the lasting implications of Paul's actions, Lewisohn talks about "Paul's enduring snag with Brian" and then likens it to Paul's other "long-standing difficulty" with Stu, which triggers the readers' knowledge of Paul's jealousy of Stu's closeness to John and invites the reader to also view Paul's relationship with Brian through that lens. The extract is then capped up by a quote from John (source, McCabe and Schonfled interview, 1971), seemingly, supporting Lewisohn's premise by linking the clash between Paul and Brian to the clash, that Lewisohn has already expertly laid out in his book, between Paul and Stu.

How the framing differs

In both excerpts I've pulled Lewisohn uses direct quotes from the principles as well as his own interpretation, both to varying impacts.

In the first excerpt, Lewisohn provides a context for John's behaviour, it's not long after Stu has died, John is under the influence of a cocktail of drugs and substances, so we're led to feel sympathy for the state that he's in and to excuse the frightening behaviour that subsequently follows. Lewisohn doesn't offer any context for Paul's behaviour, we assume that Paul is sober and of sound mind so there's no confusion as to the fact that Paul is in full control of his actions so we're less likely to excuse or able to rationalise his actions.

The preamble that Lewisohn writes prior to George's recounting of John barging into the room, mentions George, Pete and Paul being present, so Lewisohn gives us the impression that John's later actions are almost random, maybe it could have been Pete, or George, it just happened to be the woman in bed with Paul who triggered John's anger. We never hear about how the woman reacted to having her clothes torn to shreds just because she slept with Paul, Lewisohn doesn't offer any thoughts to Paul's reaction to having John barging into the room and raising hell while he was sharing an intimate moment with this woman. In stark contract, we're told precisely by Lewisohn about how he presumes Brian felt in the face of Paul's obstinance and the seriousness isn't lost on the reader because every possible group of people negatively impacted is called out with evocative language (i.e. embarrassing, ruining).

Lewisohn frames the Hamburg scissors incident in such a way that it's clear that this was just a blip on the band's radar, the "hero-worship" of George and Paul is undimmed and we're given the framework, either by accident or design, by which to view any similar outburst in the future, it's just John, he may overdo it from time to time but his negative actions will never be consequential because the love and worship the others have for him will never be overcome "no way would they walk out and join another group" because no matter what John did, Paul and George would condone it, stick by him and love him regardless, so why shouldn't we?

However, Lewisohn couldn't be clearer that Paul's disobedience of Brian was part of a larger pattern of behaviour that was detrimental to the band, John could see the bigger picture, the same bigger picture that was "obvious" to Brian and George. Rather than startling an unnamed German woman (Lewisohn leaves this to our imagination) Lewisohn carefully plots out how Paul's actions directly hurt the band and the good work they'd been doing with Brian's help. Far from a moment of chemically induced madness, Paul's behaviour is familiar, we've seen it before with Stu, now we're seeing it with Brian - Lewisohn is clear that the seeds of the break up are sewn in Tune In so is he suggesting that the behaviour Paul displays here can also be traced to 1969?

Was this difference in framing called for?

These two stories outlining John and Paul's behaviour aren't identical, one takes place in Hamburg in the privacy of a bedroom and directly impacts two people while the other takes place in Liverpool and directly impacts several people as well as the band, it could be argued that on this basis these situations Lewisohn was justified in framing these two incidents differently.

However, there are several similarities that I can spot between the behaviour John and Paul displayed:

Pattern of behaviour - Lewisohn appears to be making the case that John's outburst was purely circumstantial while Paul's clash with Brian was part of a longstanding jealousy issue Paul had of anyone close to John. I do think that jealousy may have been a factor in the clashes Paul had initially with Brian (as referenced briefly in my Jealous Guys post) but in my opinion there are complexities that exist with Paul's relationship with Brian (namely around Paul's dislike of authority figures and need for control) that don't exist in Paul's relationship with Stu or, further down the road, Yoko as neither Stu nor Yoko were ever in a position of authority over Paul, John didn't bring them into the band as a manager or producer so I think the more natural comparison is Stu and Yoko not Stu and Brian. Further, despite Lewisohn's descriptions to the contrary and lack of relation to a bigger picture, John's behaviour here was in fact part of a pattern of behaviour, this woman wasn't the first and would not be the last of Paul's love interests that John reacted negatively to; Jane Asher, Peggy Lipton and ultimately Linda would feel the brunt of John's negative attention throughout the Beatles and post-Beatles years, this was an opportunity for Lewisohn to lay the groundwork of that but unfortunately he didn't want to connect these particular dots.

Impact on the band - Lewisohn is at pains to outline how George and Paul weren't going anywhere and there's no suggestion that John's actions would have any impact on the band or its future but, with the hindsight we have, is that correct? Even before Hamburg, John is abusing alcohol, largely to numb the effects of the sudden death of his mother, then in Hamburg, he's now abusing drugs too which negatively impacts his behaviour. For the rest of the Beatle years John's substance abuse issues appear again and again (Bob Wooler incident at Paul's 21st birthday, destruction of ego and fall in productivity due to prolonged LSD use, increase in the communication issues in the band in the wake of John and Yoko's heroin addiction). If Lewisohn was really interested in giving us the bigger picture, why didn't he outline the detrimental impact that John's substance abuse issues were having on the band, all it would have taken was for him to help the reader to understand how the woman and Paul felt as a result of John's actions but instead he uses this story as another opportunity to reinforce the idea that Paul and George hero-worshipped John.

Links to the break up: In many of his podcast interviews (Nothing Is Real and Fabcast spring to mind) Lewisohn is clear that, although the events of the break-up are years away from being committed to paper, the roots are laid out in Tune In. Paul's clash with Brian is framed in such a way to underscore how it fostered long difficulties between Paul and the band's manager in a way that was obvious to the others, does that sound familiar? If we sub Klein in for Brian, we've suddenly been transported to the summer of '69, I believe this is intentional and given the pretty uncharitable way Paul's actions are described (Paul should have been on time but leaving without him so that he had to take several buses instead only made everyone later and poured gasoline on an already open flame, neither Paul, Brian or the band won in this situation which I think all parties came to realise at a later stage) we're already being conditioned to believe that by the time it's 1969 this reckoning for Paul has been a long time coming and we should be glad that John, George, Ringo and Klein are finally stand up to Paul's immature power plays. However, can the break up also be traced to John's actions. As already discussed, the first excerpt outlines one of the first instances of John's substance abuse negatively impacting the band, in 1961 he's destroying a woman's clothing, cock-blocking Paul and terrorising everyone, in 1969 he's in a heroin haze with Yoko which hinders the already frayed communication links with the rest of the band and fosters an environment where, to John, only "JohnandYoko" matter ("I mean, I’m not going to lie, you know. I would sacrifice you all for her [Ono]", Get Back Sessions, 1969) to the extent that they're able to be wooed by Allen Klein who knows exactly what John and Yoko want so they allow him to give it to them, irrespective of what the rest of band need or want.

In the end, I have no problem with either story being included in Tune In, neither John or Paul were saints and in these instances we can see aspects of their personality that will feature, for better and for worse, over the course of the rest of the Beatles' career and, in John's case, his life. However, it is a shame that time and time again, when given the opportunity to frame John and Paul's actions Lewisohn opts to minimise John's misdeeds via his emphasis on Paul and George's love and patience for him, while for Paul almost no context is provided for his negative actions and Lewisohn subtlety begins to plot the lines that will eventually lead to the 3 to 1 split and the lawsuit that, not only breaks up the band but ensures they never reform again. The part Paul plays in the break-up does have roots in his personality, which we see glimpses of in his interactions with Brian in 1961 (he won't be pushed around and his reaction to being pushed is to fight back not fall in line) but we also see John's role start to take shape too (the unpredictability of his actions under the influence of substances and the chain of events that would occur as a result i.e. LSD - loss of ego - jealousy of Paul's output and his loss of dominance - openness to Klein who identifies John as the leader and reinforces his belief in his supremacy in the Lennon-McCartney partnership as well as filling John with misinformation like reminding him he wrote most of Eleanor Rigby). It's a problem that only Paul's negative reactions and missteps are framed in the wider context of the band because this skews the story and fails to accurately plot the role John also played in the band's demise. If Lewisohn's aim is to provide us with a balanced, definitive take on the band's story then, based on this evidence, he's falling short.

#the beatles #john lennon #paul mccartney #george harrison #ringo starr #brian epstein #john and paul #mark lewisohn #tune in #framing behaviour #interested to hear any alternative takes on my thoughts #i do think lewisohn's preference for john and disregard for paul's feelings may undermine his books #both john and paul's action can be seen in a bigger picture #i think we can provide context without whitewashing john's behaviour #long post #thoughts #apologies for rambling

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thiswaycomessomethingwicked · 2 years ago

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oh do tell us more about grima and eomer pre canon

Oh fun! I do love some Grima and Eomer head-canons <3 <3

I know I’ve touched on some of this stuff before in previous asks, so apologies for repeats.

other head-canon/general thoughts stuff: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here ... I think that's a good start. I may be a bit...single minded.

classic, of course: no matter what iteration of Grima I’m writing, no matter what canon-divergence is happening, I always head-canon that he spent time in Gondor working for a merchant when he was roughly eighteen into his early twenties. Enough time that he’s fluent in Westron, picked up Sindarin, and learned how to read/write (or became more at ease with it, if it’s a story where he semi-literate as a child).

another classic: Eomer is a morning person and has been since he was a teenager. Making him an anomaly. I feel like this is a hilariously across-the-board headcanon for him. But I mean, look at the guy. He’s absolutely up at 5am doing god(s) know what.

Grima: the gods may, but I don’t.

For most iterations of them, I headcanon that they could function together in pre-war years in the sense that Theoden didn’t have to threaten them too much with the “get along shirt”. This is because Eomer, for all his fiestyness, his temper, his brashness, he does care about doing his job right. He cares about being a Good Thirds Marshal and Living Up to Expectations. Which means he’ll put up with the weird, slimy thing his uncle hired who seems spookily good at his job.

Therefore, until Grima’s treason/oath-breaking became known to Eomer (circa 2 to 3 years before the war, so around 3016/3017), they could make-shift well enough. Did they particularly enjoy each other’s company? Not really. Could they make small talk about the weather and the state of the roads to pass the time? Yes. Could they solve problems together and work as a team? Begrudgingly, but yes. Eomer out of a sense of doing it for the greater good, Grima because he was told he had to and Theoden was like “behave, my weird little goth snake” and Grima was like ‘ugh I guess”.

In some iterations, I do have it that Grima discovers—one long, cold, dark winter—that Eomer is very good at strategy games and positively jumps on this. Eomer will attest that he has never seen Grima so excited before, or since, that first discovery. So they play all sorts of table games (backgammon/tabula, chess, checkers, Middle Earth version of Go etc.) and card games (middle earth versions of hearts, bridge, whist, tarrochi, vingt-un etc.).

They have been known to play spoof upon occasion but Grima is too good at the game so everyone always loses (Eomer suspects Grima cheats. Eomer isn’t wrong. But it’s the only game he cheats in, all the rest he’ll play (relatively) honestly).

Again, this is for most iterations but I head-canon that Grima has a complicated relationship with Theoden but Theoden didn’t know this until post-possession/leechcraft. There’s a lot of love that became resentment and admiration that’s also pity and disgust. It’s a bit all over the place and Grima is just like “What does a person do with emotions? Run away from them.”

Eomer: no.

Grima: too late.

I know I shoot myself in the foot with be not afraid on this one, but I really love leaving Grima’s views and feelings re: Eowyn more ambiguous. (Be not afraid is what happens when you write a future fic without having finished large portions of the bits that come before i.e., ROTK/Cycles of Song.)

Ok, the thing I can’t settle on for pre-war head-canon is what the fuck went down between Grima and Gandalf. Their animosity is personal, petty, and spiteful. Gandalf especially—yes, we can have pity and empathy for Gollum but not Grima. One of these two ate babies and it’s not Grima (he just ate a hobbit, maybe, and that wasn’t until later). Don’t get me wrong, I’m Team Gollum too, I’m just saying Gandalf, my man, there’s a reason for this double standard.

I do suspect Gandalf gives Gollum more slack because his whole descent is Ring related and not wholly of his own choice, unlike Grima who was like “fuckity bye” and joined Saruman. Granted, the power of Saruman’s voice is so rarely talked about with Grima which I think is interesting.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m wholly here for Grima making his choices 100% on his own without Saruman’s malign voice-influence (just his malign non-voice-related influence)--because that is the more interesting story. However, the reality of Saruman’s Voice and its power is still something that, when we engage with the text outside of head-canons and fics, we should take into consideration.

From Voice of Saruman chapter: “Suddenly another voice spoke, low and melodious, its very sound an enchantment. Those who listened unwarily to that voice could seldom report the words they heard; and if they did, they wondered, for little power remained in them. Mostly they remembered only that it was a delight to hear the voice speaking, all that it said seemed wise and reasonable, and desire awoke in them by swift agreement to seem wise themselves. When others spoke they seemed harsh and uncouth by contrast; and if they gainsaid the voice, anger was kindled in the hearts of those under the spell. For some the spell lasted only while the voice spoke to them, and when it spoke to another they smiled, as men do who see through a juggler’s trick while others gape at it.

For many the sound of the voice alone was enough to hold them enthralled; but for those whom it conquered the spell endured when they were far away, and ever they heard that soft voice whispering and urging them. But none were unmoved; none rejected its pleas and its commands without an effort of mind and will, so long as its master had control of it.”

Sounds somewhat similar to the power of another object and another lord but who am I to suggest such things?

I head-canon that Grima very much likes being adjacent to power. Oh, that man loves, loves power. But he doesn’t want to be in a seat that could topple—so he prefers being the advisor to the king, not the king himself. Though, he has thought a lot about what would happen if he were king. From like day one as advisor/law-speaker/whatever fucking role it is he has at court, he was thinking about what he’d do if he had the crown. Despite his many self-esteem issues, he is very arrogant in some ways and firmly believes he is smarter than most people in a room.

Based purely on the fact that Denethor invokes the Oath of Eorl with a red arrow (which was traditional, to be fair), alongside the verbal invoking of the oath, I suspect there was minimal written correspondence between Gondor and Rohan. What little that was written was generally handled by Theoden until Grima came along.

Eomer can read. He’s just not good at it, or comfortable with it. Can he write? Good question. His name, probably. Maybe a few other things. But anytime Eomer does send written missives or letters (a rare thing indeed), he dictates it to whoever is around who can write well and this being Rohan means it’s like Grima and maybe two other people.

Eomer asking Grima to take down a dictation is a hilarious mental image I have just given myself. After this event occurs, for the first time, Eomer is like “right, I need to procure myself someone who can write. Uncle, where did you find the snake man?”

And Theoden is like, “No idea, he just appeared one day.”

Eomer: not helpful.

I do head-canon that there are plenty of people in Rohan who aren’t blond. Because if we’re going for realism, and not a film where you’re working in a visual medium so these sorts of distinctions are material, it makes no sense for everyone to be blond, let alone the same kind of blond.

In my head, I flip-flop on Grima’s appearance from something adjacent to the films, to something that’s more likely based on the books—dark eyes, hair colour unknown (likely on the lighter brown into the blond side, though it’s never stated. His eyes, however, are described as being dark).

I am a sucker for dark eyes, as anyone who has read any of my Downey stuff can attest.

Regardless his appearance, I do like having his mother be foriegn. However, the flack he and his siblings get for it is less to do with appearance and more to do with them living in a tiny ass small town in the north and foreigners just generally being viewed with distrust. (It is noted in the books that the Rohirrim are super warry/untrusting of people from outside their land. Which isn’t xenophobic, or something adjacent to xenophobic, at all.)

When Grima is in Edoras, there’s no like “oh man he’s clearly foreign, ew!” It’s more like “oh man, he’s an asshole. What’s his deal?” then later “oh man, he’s acting super sus, what’s up with that?” However, Grima is the way he is in part because of how he was treated growing up.

I head-canon that Eomer has an ear for accents and can mimic Grima’s northern twang, whenever it comes out, and Grima finds this mortifying. Eomer’s fine with languages—he speaks Rohirrim and Westron of course, also Sindarin likely, but I head-canon that he has picked up a few skoltse words from Grima. The days when Grima is in a good mood, and they’re on tolerable speaking terms, he might teach Eomer a few. They’re all dirty curse words of course.

Eomer: How do you say ‘fuck’?

Theoden: really, Eomer?

Eomer: oh-oh, cunt!

Grima: that one’s fun to say.

Theoden: p l e a s e.

Eomer: asshole! Fucking asshole!

Theoden: you are a prince of the house of Eorl and Grima, you’re my chief advisor and law-speaker of Eomarc. I expect better from you both for fuck’s sake.

Grima cackles and walks off.

Pre-war, and depending the iteration I have going of how much magic Grima actually has and how much was power of suggestion + potions and poisons, if it’s Old God territory then Eomer knows Grima can do little magics. These aren’t things Grima does publicly or really lets people know about, because he likes keeping them to himself as they’re more useful if they’re secret. However, Eomer’s seen him use them from time to time, mostly the fire-lighting one where Grima will pinch a candle wick and it catches alight, or he’ll start a fire without kindling.

Grima has caught Eomer watching him do it and keeps waiting for Eomer to bring it up or spread whacky rumours and neither happens and Grima doesn’t understand. But that’s because he operates in a selfish capacity whereas Eomer doesn’t.

Even pre-saruman, Grima was ambitious and ruthless and very much out for himself. That’s just a fundamental part of who he is. Saruman just capitalised on it.

Oh, in every version Grima very much doubts Theodred’s ability to be a useful, efficient or strong king. A nice king, sure, but not what Rohan needs in this dark hour. It is also something Eomer comes to start seeing in his cousin as he got older. Theodred is about 40/41 in the books and Eomer 27, so he had many years of idolizing his cousin and seeing him as this golden, older brother who could do no wrong. But then as he got older, started taking up his duties as third marshal, he started seeing more of his cousin’s faults. Still loved him, of course, but the veil fell from his eyes and he definitely had moments when Grima made sly commentary of thinking “I hate it, but Grima’s not wrong”. Eomer would never betray his cousin or uncle, of course. Absofuckinglutely not. But he does start seeing things as they are, not as he wished them to be. He mitigates wherever he can, which is an exhausting thing.

Grima has gone to Eomer and been like, ‘You know none of this is tenable, right? You’re going to hit burn-out. Your uncle is going to die at some point. Your cousin doesn’t have the wherewithal to lead our people in a strong, unified way. Gondor’s barely holding on by the skin of their teeth. And you can’t fix that fundamental truth of your cousin’s lack of gumption and having-what-it-takes, no matter how much you prop Theodred up. At some point, the centre will not hold. At some point, things will fall apart. What will you do then, my lord?’

Which is, coincidentally, Eomer’s moment of ‘your words are poison.’

But, also like with Eowyn, there’s much truth in Grima’ words, even if the motivation for his saying them is to cause harm. In fact, it is the slices of truth that make the venom all that much more potent.

Grima’s peak tactic really is just laying truths on the table, but twisted in a way that benefits his aim, and then he leaves them there and he departs the room and you’re left looking at something you might not want to look at. He makes people hear things they can’t unhear; make them know things they can’t unknow.

This isn’t to say that man isn’t full of bullshit. Of course he is. Why do you think his robes are so big? They’re full of lies. But when we see him sliding a verbal blade into someone’s ribcage, it’s almost always couched within something that is true.

Eowyn was alone, in many ways. Theoden was getting on and past his prime. Eomer was seeking war with Saruman. But obviously, things are more complicated than that and nothing is ever quite how Grima frames it. And I think this is a skillset he’s always had.

ANYWAY.

Grima would go hawking with Theoden, in pre-war days! Grima likes hunting. It’s one of the few things he likes that falls into the slot of “typical masculine activities”. He is a decent shot with an arrow and has out-done Eomer on hitting birbs out of the sky. Every-year when there are midsummer solstice festivities and games, Eomer ropes Grima onto his team purely for the hand-eye coordination.

(the only reason he missed saruman and/or gandalf was because he didn’t know who he wanted to murder more, and also he was in Peak Feral mode so not doing anything to the best of his abilities.)

Obviously, I’ve said this one before, but on 21 June 3017, Eomer and Grima were utterly tanked at a summer solstice festival and they hate-snogged each other and may have had some angry fucking in some deserted room or broomcloset while everyone was dancing around a bonfire. Once done, they walked in opposite directions and never talked about it again.

It may have recurred in 3018. 3019 it didn’t but that’s because Grima was weird and self-aware of Things post-war so avoided Eomer like the plague.

One time, during Winter Jol, Eomer was trying to demonstrate his largesse as newly minted Third Marshal of the Marc, he’s like twenty at most, and so he went and bought everyone in his household gifts and his uncle’s household as well. It was mostly alcohol. But for the Formal Officers and various high up positions he got proper presents but had no idea what to get Grima because what the fuck to get a guy like that? Anyway, he was just like “fuck it, he can write, right? That’s a … thing? He can do? I guess? I think?” and so he got him a little travelbox for penknives and quills and all that. Grima has used it on up through the war and, provided no one nicked it after he got chucked out of Meduseld, he will return to using it.

Eomer feels weird about this.

Grima is just like, “it was a useful gift. Why wouldn’t I make use of it??”

Eomer, “ok but we were rivals and nemesis or something for so long, and you had so much money, why didn’t you get a new one?”

Grima, “...I don’t know.”

Eomer, “so you pulled that out every time my uncle was like ‘Grima go thither and yon’ and you trundled off and brought that with you.”

Grima, “...yes.”

Eomer, “and never once you were like ‘this thing reminds me of this obnoxious twat who keeps roughing me up and threatening to kill me if I look at his sister, maybe I should get a new one’?”

Grima, “...evidently not.”

Eomer, “you see how that’s weird, right?”

Grima, “well I didn’t think it was weird until you made it weird. Anyway, you’re my lord’s nephew, of course I had to use it. It’s sort of obligated.”

Eomer, “For a little while.”

Grima, “well I can get a new one.”

Eomer, “I mean at this point it’d be weird if you did because now we’re fucking or something.”

Grima, “I’m so confused about why you brought this up.”

Eomer, “so am I. Fuck it, I’m going to go drink with Eothain and bemoan the state of the world.”

I hope you enjoyed! I know not all were strictly pre-canon and I'm not sure if you were looking for anything in particular, but there you go.

#ask #reply #grima wormtongue #anon #eomer #griomer #lotr #lord of the rings #grima thoughts #i need a tag to easily find all these things

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robininthelabyrinth · 3 years ago

Text

Spilled Pearls Extra 1

- ao3 -

Lan Xichen spent a lot of time learning his family’s rules.

They were important to his uncle, who raised him, and that meant that they were important to him. They were his heritage and his birthright, and anyway he loved his uncle and it made him happy which was good enough for Lan Xichen, but that didn’t make learning them easy or anything. Each rule had to be learned both by itself and in context with others; it wasn’t as simple as memorizing a list and calling it done. You had to learn them and know them and then live up to them to the best of your ability, and that was the work of a lifetime – which Lan Xichen, now six years old, had been informed was an awful long time.

Moreover, though his uncle had never said so, Lan Xichen had heard from the other people in the sect that learning the rules was important because following the rules would make sure he didn’t turn out like his father, who had let down so many people in their sect. Many of the elders said things like that when his uncle wasn’t around, though his uncle never did – his uncle spoke well of their father, although in abstract tones, but sometimes he looked sad about it, too, and therefore Lan Xichen was determined to listen and learn the rules well so that he would never disappoint his uncle the way his father had.

Of course, there were other advantages to learning the rules.

The commentary, for instance.

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Talking behind other people's backs is prohibited.

“Unless it’s really funny,” Lan Yueheng said, and – as always – seemed not to notice the way Lan Xichen’s uncle glared at him. “Oooh, actually, let me give you an example, I just heard the best story –”

“If you don’t understand those around you, you will be at their mercy, rather than they at yours,” Wen Ruohan said, perfectly poised and with a sharp smirk, just the way he always was unless he happened to be talking to Lan Xichen’s uncle. “How better to learn to understand people than to know what others say about them when they are not around?” His smirk widened. “Look at what people say about me.”

“What are you supposed to do if you don’t?” Lao Nie asked, grinning wickedly. “Say mean things about them in front of their faces instead? I can do that!”

“I mean, if it’s news, it’s not gossip, right?” Cangse Sanren said, tapping her cheek while pretending to be thoughtful as if it would hide her great big smile. “I’m sure that’s how I learned it, and I was a very good student – no, no, don’t listen to what your uncle says!”

“Well, I wish my mother would do less of it,” Wen Xu said, rolling his eyes. He’d come along to visit with his father again the way he always did – he was always tagging along with his father, really, and his father indulged him more often than he probably should, according to both sects’ elders. Not that Wen Ruohan listened to anyone but Lan Xichen’s uncle. “Sometimes I think that’s all she does! It’s boring!”

“If you mean what you say and say what you mean, then your friends will never doubt you whether you are in front of them or not,” Nie Mingjue said, then frowned. “I mean, I think?”

“Listen to A-Jue,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said when Lan Xichen reported on the discussions, throwing up his hands in disgust. “He’s the only one of the lot of them worth anything.”

“It’s his mother’s contribution,” Lao Nie opined.

“It’s certainly not yours,” Wen Ruohan said. “Anyway, what was wrong with A-Xu’s answer? It was accurate.”

“It has nothing to do with the rule!”

“That’s because I’ve already mastered it years ago,” Wen Xu said cheerfully. Surprisingly cheerfully, given that Nie Mingjue was sitting on him again; maybe he’d gotten used to Nie Mingjue always winning.

Lan Xichen’s uncle rubbed his forehead. “A-Xu, if you really want to go copy the rules on humility a few more times, you don’t have to wait for me to instruct you to do so –”

“He’s right, though,” Cangse Sanren cackled from her husband’s lap. “Madame Wen is an amazing source of gossip, but it does get a bit boring sometimes. You can’t punish him for being right!”

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Do not succumb to rage.

“Unless there’s a very good reason,” Lao Nie said, picking Lan Xichen up in one arm as if he weighed as little as a feather, and Nie Mingjue in the other just as easily, even though he was much bigger. “In the world there are many injustices, and it is your duty to fight against them with everything that you have – if you are wholly above the feeling of rage, then you have forgotten your empathy, and soon will follow the crooked path into indifference.”

“The issue is succumbing to rage,” Wen Ruohan said. “You can be angry, or even furious, but you should always maintain your self-control. Once you’ve mastered yourself, you can master others.”

“He means get revenge,” Wen Xu said knowledgably. “You get angry, then you get even.”

“Oh, rage?” Cangse Sanren asked, rolling up her sleeves. “Well, as it happens, I’m going to go have a chat with your mother, I’ll give you a good demonstration of –”

“You are doing no such thing,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said, exasperated. “Get back here.”

“It’s a waste of time,” Lan Yueheng said. “Getting angry takes time and energy. Why not be happy instead?” He thought about it. “Well, I mean, sometimes cursing a little bit when something goes wrong is nice. Even the calmest concoction needs to blow off steam sometimes to retain its equilibrium!”

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Do not disrespect your elders.

“And I,” Wen Ruohan said, looking positively gleeful, “am the eldest.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said at once. “Xichen, you hear me? Don’t listen to him.”

“There’s a difference between disrespect and disobedience,” Cangse Sanren said. “Being old doesn’t mean being right, it means that there’s a greater probability that they’ve encountered something in their lifetime that will give them an insight you lack. You should honor and respect their insight, but always make your own decisions in the end.”

“I mean, you could always listen to me, instead,” Lao Nie said. “I’m your elder too, aren’t I?”

“Don’t listen to either Uncle Wen or my father,” Nie Mingjue said, looking long-suffering. “They both like to play tricks.”

“Wait,” Lan Yueheng said. “I’m an elder? Since when? That’s a terrible idea!”

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Do not take advantage of your position to oppress others.

“Don’t listen to Wen Ruohan,” Cangse Sanren said.

“Don’t listen to Sect Leader Wen,” Lan Yueheng said.

“Definitely do not listen to Hanhan,” Lao Nie said. “At all. In any way.”

“Probably best not to listen to A-Xu’s dad,” Nie Mingjue said, and glanced over apologetically.

“No, no, you’re right,” Wen Xu said, nodding furiously. “He’s kind of awful about these sorts of things.”

“They’re all being absolutely ridiculous,” Wen Ruohan said. “I’m perfectly reliable on such matters. After all, what’s the point of working so hard to obtain and maintain power if you don’t oppress those that deserve it? If you don’t take advantage, who will?”

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Do not make assumptions about others.

“I used to assume that Cangse Sanren was a normal human being,” Lan Yueheng said. “Goes to show what I know, right?”

“I used to assume that Wen Ruohan was a perfectly normal self-absorbed murderer that would keep his greedy hands to his own people,” Cangse Sanren said, sounding irritable. “And not have perfectly ordinary rogue cultivators followed around by complete weirdos because he’s secretly worried about them like a mother hen!”

“I used to assume that people would be grateful when someone rescued them and their husband from near certain death,” Wen Ruohan said.

“I used to assume that the funniest thing in the world was watching Hanhan argue with your uncle,” Lao Nie said, chin on his hands. “Little did I know that adding Cangse Sanren to the mix made it even funnier.”

“Grown-ups are stupid sometimes,” Wen Xu said. “That’s why you have to verify everything they say for yourself.”

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Embrace the entirety of the world.

“By being righteous,” Nie Mingjue said.

“By taking it all over, as far as I can tell from my father,” Wen Xu said.

“Depends on what you define as the world, doesn’t it?” Lao Nie said.

“Be ambitious,” Wen Ruohan said. “Define it broadly.”

“I mean, I don’t think your arms are quite long enough yet, the world’s pretty big,” Lan Yueheng said. “But I pick you up and swing you around, maybe they’ll stretch a little. Want to try?”

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Do not associate with evil.

“I mean, it’s true, but you have to think carefully about what you categorize as evil,” Lao Nie said. “Just being a man-eating nation-destroying inhuman amoral nine-tailed fox isn’t automatically enough to qualify, right?”

“That’s, uh, a really weirdly specific example,” Lan Yueheng said. “I feel like at least three of the things on that list probably rise to the level of evil? Or have I missed something?”

“Lao Nie said – oh no, not again,” Wen Ruohan said, and patted Lan Xichen on the head before he stalked out the door. “I’m the only evil you should associate with, you hear me?”

“I bet she’s got teeth in interesting places,” Cangse Sanren said. “I’ve got to meet her…hmm? Evil? Does that really matter? It’s going to be funny.”

“She’s not evil,” Nie Mingjue said. “She’s pretty nice, actually. She calls me ‘meatball’ and ‘pork bun’ and says I’m so cute that she wants to eat me right up.”

“I’m pretty sure she means it literally,” Wen Xu said. “Gear up, Xichen! We’ve got to go save Mingjue!”

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Do not tell lies.

“People don’t believe the truth, so why not tell it?” Cangse Sanren said.

“Using the truth makes your misdirections more believable and your critiques more devastating,” Wen Ruohan said.

“Why would you even want to lie?” Nie Mingjue asked, puzzled.

“There’s a difference between not telling lies and not having the slightest bit of tact,” Lao Nie said, rubbing his face. “Maybe you can help A-Jue figure that out.”

“Silence is always a good alternative when you don’t want to admit to stuff you’ve done that maybe, just maybe, might annoy some people,” Lan Yueheng said, looking over his collapsed laboratory with a wince. “Not that I’d know anything about that, of course.”

“Telling a lie will only get you into more trouble later when they figure it out,” Wen Xu said. “Because then they’re angry at you for what you did and for lying about it. It’s just not worth it!”

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Do not disregard the rules.

“Unless they’re really stupid,” Lao Nie said.

“I mean,” Nie Mingjue said, wrinkling his nose. “As a general rule, yes. But it’s different if following the rules would permit injustice to happen, that’s for sure.”

“It’s a matter of picking what rule is the relevant one,” Wen Ruohan said. “Be thoughtful, and you can have the moral high ground in any situation…your uncle is irritatingly good at that.”

“You’ve got to know what the rule is before you break it,” Wen Xu said. “That way you can decide if it’s worth the cost of breaking it or not.”

“If there’s any you think are wrong, you should say something,” Lan Yueheng said. “The rules are a gift handed down from our ancestors and ought to be respected, but each of us has a duty to put in our own thoughts as well – our contribution to the next generation down. Anyway, your uncle will probably be able to put together a reasonable argument as to why changing the rule is appropriate and truer to our sect’s principles than the version carved on the wall. He’s good at that!”

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“I want the rules to be a foundation under your feet,” Lan Xichen’s uncle said. “They should give you confidence in your actions and pride in your family and sect; they should not feel like they are binding you. If they are, you’d tell me, wouldn’t you?”

Maybe if it was just Lan Xichen and his uncle, the two of them and maybe also little baby Lan Wangji and the rather unreliable Lan Yueheng and the even more unreliable Lao Nie, Lan Xichen would immediately and unhesitatingly agree, and then never say anything anyway no matter what he felt. He loved his uncle so much, and every one in a while his uncle seemed so sad; he couldn’t bear to be the one to add more pain and burden to his uncle’s shoulders, already weighed down with the expectations of the sect that should have been his father’s responsibility and would one day be Lan Xichen’s.

But it wasn’t just them, and Lan Xichen frowned a little, really thinking about it. “Maybe,” he said after a while. “Or maybe I’d tell Uncle Wen about it, and then he’d find a way to fix it, or to tell you about it in a way that didn’t make you sad. Does that work, too?”

His uncle looked amused.

“Yes,” he said. “That works. Just remember –”

“Don’t listen to him about ‘oppressing others’?”

“Exactly.”

#mdzs #lan xichen #lan quiren #wen ruohan #sect leader nie #nie mingjue #wen xu #cangse sanren #my fic #my fics #spilled pearls

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blu-joons · 4 years ago

Text

DATING NCT A⇴Z HEADCANON ⇴ Mark Lee

A ⇴ AFFECTION

His favourite kind of affection was when you’d have your hands in his hair. He loved to feel your hands brush though his soft locks and pull him a little bit closer whenever you needed him to be right there for you.

B ⇴ BEFORE DATING

When the two of you first met, Mark was very awkward, he didn’t have the slightest clue of what he wanted to say to you. He could barely string a sentence together until one of the members called him out to start with at least a hello and introduce himself, and from there, you loved to tease him about it ever since.

C ⇴ CONFESSION

It didn’t take Mark long at all to know that you were the one that he wanted. He was far too shy to confess in person, so he sent you a demo of a song that he would have written just for you, leaving it until the very last minute to let you know how he felt. When he saw your name flash up on his phone he panicked, only to see that you’d text him and begged him to let you in and get you out of the cold to be with him.

D ⇴ DATES

You knew just how dedicated Mark was to his work, so you’d often end up surprising him on those late nights with dates set up in the studio for you. You also knew that Mark was a terrible cook, so as long as you showed up with a bag of takeout in hand, then you were going to be safe for the night. He’d spend all night long telling you about his projects, whilst he always worried that you’d think he was bragging, all you see was a hard working and passionate guy who loved his job, and you.

E ⇴ EXPERIENCE

Mark had seen plenty of other people in love, but never himself before. He always had an idea of the type of boyfriend he’d be, and whilst he was the first to admit that he wasn’t perfect, he was determined in making his first experience of love his last too. He wanted to always be the one that would be there for you from the moment that he met you, just as long as you were willing to help him learn along the way. Day by day, he knew he was getting better at being a boyfriend, and that was all that mattered to him.

F ⇴ FIGHTING

Neither of you were fond of arguments, but you were human too, and appreciated that they were just a part of being in a relationship. Whenever the two of you argued, one of you would always walk away before things got too bad, you were both very good at minding your tempers. Usually, after an hour or two the person who walked out would return so that the two of you could talk things through with each other and nip the problem in the bud before it became too big a hurdle for you to jump over. Major arguments were definitely a problem when the two of you were already so shy.

G ⇴ GETTING TO KNOW HIS FAMILY

He often joked about his family got in contact with him a lot more since you’d came into his life. He loved to tease you and let you know that you were the favourite in his family’s eyes because they got in with you so well and always asked after you whenever Mark was on a call by himself.

H ⇴ HOME

Rooming with a manager definitely had its perks for Mark, he always gave the two of you space you needed in the dorm. Therefore he was a little reluctant to move out of the dorms and in with you, he wanted to wait a little while and see the direction his career took first, and also make sure his other members were alright.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU”

He was the first one to say, “I love you,” when you surprised him with a Canadian Day after you heard him talking about how much he missed home. Seeing the effort that you went to in order to put a smile back on his face meant the absolute world to him, and he couldn’t repay the favour in any other way then finally letting you know that he loved you.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY

Mark tended to doubt himself a lot, which would lead to a bit of jealousy at times. You’d often have to reassure him not to get jealous of anyone, you loved talking to people, but if you ever left his side at an event then he’d definitely begin to worry. No matter how many times you told him not to get jealous, you knew that he’d never a listen. It was a feeling that he just couldn’t get rid of, no matter how hard he wanted to. He knew he never really had a reason to get jealous, but that didn’t stop him feeling the way that he did.

K ⇴ KIDS

If there was one thing Mark definitely saw in his future, it was kids. He very much had an ideal plan of what his life would like in years to come, he’d even picked out the perfect age to start a family. Whilst he never told you about his future plans, just in case he pressurised you, you were very much aware of just how valuable and important having a family was to him and how keen he was to start one in the future with you.

L ⇴ LAUGHTER

One of the biggest things that Mark worried about was whether he could make you laugh or not. Any time that he didn’t see you at least with a small smile on your face would worry him. He worked hard at everything that he did, and that included making you happy. To cheer you up, he’d often search up things to do that would put the smile back on your face, and do a lot of research into your favourite cheesy jokes that he knew would get a reaction out of you each and every time. It was one thing he always made sure to do every day, knowing that if you ever had a bad day when you were around him then he’d never forgive himself.

M ⇴ MISSING

Having spent so many years away from home, Mark never thought he’d experience the feeling of homesickness again, until you came along. He was never afraid to admit when he was struggling, but sometimes he’d forget about you in it all. There would be days sometimes when you just wouldn’t here from him because Mark didn’t know the right things to say to feel better. It’d only be when you’d message one of his members and ask them what was going on that he’d get the kick he needed to message you and sort himself out too. He still never knew the right things to say, but his members wouldn’t let him go until he said something.

N ⇴ NICKNAMES

He often called you “sweet,” because you reminded him like the maple syrup at. You were adorable and cute, and reminded him exactly of the sweet tooth he had whenever he had maple syrup from back home.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

Mark was obsessed with your hair, he loved to have his hands in it almost as much as he loved to feel yours messed in with his. Playing with your hair was always comforting for him.

P ⇴ PDA

Subtle gestures were how Mark would often be affectionate in public with you. When he walked past you, he would usually kiss your cheek, or if you appeared beside him suddenly his hand would rest against your shoulder or arm just to remind himself that you were back by his side and safe.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

He would love to ask your opinion on nearly anything he did. Having your approval on anything was a huge bonus to him, but if something didn’t quite hit the spot for you, he’d refuse to let it go until you’d told him exactly where you thought he could improve or do better next time.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

For any occasion that the two of you celebrated, Mark would write a song for you. You knew that he loved to compose anyway, and anything that he came up with was something that you adored, but it was the pieces he wrote just for the two of you that held the biggest place in your heart. To see the effort he went to in order to find the perfect lyrics meant the world to you, and of course, he delivered each and every time.

S ⇴ SEX

There were definitely times when things would get awkward for you both, and neither of you could do nothing more than laugh. For the best part, he would be a complete romantic, but then that shy side of Mark that you’d grown to adore would often make an appearance. You loved how caring he was during intimacy, even if he did end up making a bit of a fool of himself, just knowing you were happy was more than enough for him.

T ⇴ TEXTS

He was definitely someone who would text, usually to let you know if something was up. You’d often end a shift to see a text from Mark to let you know that he’d be working late that night and to make sure you didn’t wait up for him.

U ⇴ UNIVERSE

The two of you complimented each other very well, you shared a lot of traits which meant that you were able to be incredibly understanding and supportive of each other which was all that Mark ever really wanted.

V ⇴ VACATION

As the two of you didn’t end up finding the time to travel often, Mark would always fly your family, or his, maybe sometimes even both, in to visit the two of you instead. He knew your breaks were to spent with your families, regardless of where the two of you were in the world, just having them there with you is enough.

W ⇴ WHINING

Mark wanted to be the perfect boyfriend, so if something didn’t quite go his way then he’d definitely whine and make his frustrations clear.

X ⇴ XXXXX

He’d often find himself planting kisses against your skin, especially when you were nice and close. With your hands in his hair, there was no greater feeling for Mark then when you’d tug at him gently and pull him closer towards you so that you could press a soft kiss to his lips. A nervous giggle would always come after it, your kisses often left him feeling shy, but it was by far one of the things that you loved the most about him.

Y ⇴ YOU

You were his biggest fan who supported him no matter what.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

The two of you would always fall asleep close together. You’d often feel Mark’s hand tap against your skin as he came up with little melodies or ditties whilst he drifted off to sleep, using you as his instrument.

---

Masterlist

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transmalewife · 3 years ago

Text

Alright, let's talk about attachment

I can’t find clear information on when exactly the non-attachment rule was added to the code. It was either soon before or soon after the great sith war. Either way, for the VAST majority of the existence of the Jedi, it wasn’t a thing. Jedi got married and had families for over 20000 years, then added the non-attachment rule, which ultimately led to their destruction. And before anyone tries to tell me I believe they deserved to be genocided, I don’t. I have never actually seen anyone say that, but I see people argue against it constantly, and imply anyone who doesn’t think the Jedi were perfect and blameless thinks that. I don’t think they deserved to die, I think they needed to change. And Yoda says that himself, many times. The Jedi weren’t prepared for the return of the sith, or the war. They had separated from the military 1000 years before, and the galaxy was in relative peace all this time, so the order’s role changed to one that worked very well with their rules. Detachment meant they could be impartial when overseeing political disagreements, lack of possessions meant they would be focused on the mission at hand and not prone to taking bribes, and distancing themselves from the general population meant they were more or less uniform, and could be trusted not to side with someone for personal reasons.

All of this falls apart once they become an army again. Impartiality is a flaw when they have to defend one side at all cost and not even allow themselves to consider compromise. Lack of possessions and attachment to people means they are prone to taking unnecessary risks, because they have nothing to lose, and do things like send 14 year olds into battle, thinking of the “greater good” over the safety of children. And the order being a monolith, with set rules and philosophy distinct from the rest of the population meant the Jedi trusted Dooku long after they should have stopped, because he used to be a Jedi after all, surely he still follows the code.

Now, I am not saying non-attachment is always bad, I think it served a very specific purpose in the order, and to some extent worked for many years. However.

Humans are a social species. Human babies NEED physical contact and affection to develop physically. Children need a stable, strong, and supportive relationship to their caregiver to properly develop psychologically. And after last year I don’t think anyone will argue that adults don't need connection with other people just as much. And not just shallow interactions, but open affection and love. Love of any kind, because claiming that the Jedi only forbid romantic love is just untrue. I think people tend to forget that "Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love." isn’t the actual doctrine, it’s a literal pick up line that Anakin uses on Padme.

Ahsoka and Obi-Wan both get criticized by other Jedi for their entirely platonic attachment to Anakin, and vice versa. Now, humans are the most common species in the galaxy, and in the Jedi order. Many other species are near-human, so it’s safe to assume at least some, if not most of them also need that companionship and affection to develop and live happy and stable lives. I do believe that non-attachment is a valid philosophy and chosen path in life if done carefully and within reason, I just don’t think we have a single major character that actually applies to. And chosen is an important word here. Jedi don’t get much of a choice. I’m not trying to start the baby-stealing debate here. I hear the argument of ‘force sensitives are dangerous if left untrained, and said training should start as early as possible’. I think finding a way to deal with that problem was an insanely complicated decision, and taking children into the temple as young as possible is not a bad solution. I don’t entirely agree with not letting them see their families later, (especially since in legends Obi-Wan was allowed to visit his family, which implies Anakin couldn’t go free his mother specifically because he was already too attached), but the idea is sound. I do also understand that no one is forcing Jedi to stay in the order and they can leave for whatever reason at any time. But that isn’t exactly a free choice either. Leaving the order means leaving the only home you remember, the only people you know to make your own way in the galaxy, and staying with those people means you can never fully love them. It’s a difficult solution to a complicated question, and for the most part, it worked (not always, and not exactly as intended, but I’ll come back to that.) Children grew up in the order, were trained to control themselves and the force, and became Jedi who were impartial, patient, and balanced. But everything falls apart when you introduce someone who wasn’t raised in the temple.

In The Rising Force, 13 year old Obi-Wan had barely been off Coruscant in his life. He describes himself as sheltered and unaware of all the pain in the galaxy, and says it was done on purpose, so younglings wouldn’t have to face the dark side before they were ready for it. But Anakin had seen nothing but darkness, pain and injustice before he joined the order. He was severely traumatized, and while the temple might have had some ways of dealing with trauma and PTSD in adults, they had no experience in treating the same in a child, because their children were kept safe and protected. The idea of letting go of your pain and fear only works if you know you have a safe place to come back to, if you’ve spent the first decade or so of your life in the most protected place in the galaxy. Anakin spent the first decade of his life as a slave. He couldn’t let go of his fear, because fear was what kept him alive. Fear is not irrational if you are constantly in danger, it’s what protects you, keeps you aware of the limits you can push before you get punished. And that mindset doesn’t fade just because you’re out of that situation, especially if your only family, the closest person to you, is still facing that danger every day.

I’ve seen people use every excuse possible to explain why Anakin didn’t see his mother again to avoid blaming the council, including, and I shit you not, “He just didn’t have her comm number”. But to me that seems disingenuous, when we see in his first meeting with the council that they already consider him too attached. It's one of the main reasons they don’t want him to be trained, so it seems logical that they wouldn’t allow him to see her once he became a padawan. I also want to mention that what Yoda says, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Is just… blatant catastrophizing. Right? Like we can all see that the escalation is not rational there at all. Maybe it could apply to something else, but not to a child who just left his mother for the first time in his life and went from a tiny dustball in the middle of nowhere to the most populated planet in the galaxy, and is now being tested by a bunch of old people with the power to decide his future. Obviously he’s afraid, and obviously he’s not dealing with it the way Jedi younglings do. That, in and of itself doesn't doom him to fall. Also what Yoda misses there is that suffering leads to fear. This is a closed loop, and one that has defined Anakin’s entire childhood.

Let’s come back to how the system doesn’t always work. The way I see it, most of the characters we see are attached. Obi-Wan is considered one of the greatest Jedi of his time. Windu describes him as “our most cunning and insightful Master—and our most tenacious”. And yet, he was not insightful enough to look past his love for Anakin, his attachment, and see how close to falling he was. Ahsoka was so attached to Anakin she refused to listen to Maul on Mandalore, refused to even consider the posibility he could fall. She was arguably the person with the best shot at preventing the empire forming at that point, and she loved anakin so much she doomed him and the entire galaxy. Aayla admitted to thinking of Quinlan as her father, and also, apparently in legends had a long relationship with Kit. Even Mace didn’t follow the code when he decided to kill Palpatine, which directly led to his death and the empire. He also indirectly caused the war to start. According to wookiepedia “Windu viewed Dooku as the shatterpoint of the entire Separatist movement, which meant striking Dooku down would theoretically end the imminent clone war before it even began. However, Windu's prior attachments to Dooku clouded his judgment.” I’m not even going to mention Kanan and Ezra, who are obviously family.

So basically everyone is attached and lying about it. How has no one thought that maybe this isn’t the healthiest way to live and tried to change the code? Well, I have a theory, and it’s Yoda. He was 900 years old when he died, and was on the council for the vast majority of his life. I can’t find when exactly he became grand master, but it’s safe to assume he held some degree of power over the entire order for most of a millennium. At the end of TPM he tells Obi-Wan “Confer on you the level of Jedi knight, the council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your padawan learner, I do not.” Then he reverses that decision by himself. So either he has the power to veto the council’s word, or who gets trained is entirely up to him. Either way, not great, considering his lifespan is so much longer than most Jedi, and therefore his approach to life is vastly different. Humans need love and closeness to live. However, while we don’t know much about Yoda’s species, it probably isn’t a social one. You could count all the characters of this species on two (human) hands, and Yoda lived in complete isolation for 20 years on Dagobah, and only went a little bit insane. They are naturally rare, and therefore probably lead solitary lives in nature. Moreover, Yoda outlived every master who trained him, and almost every padawan he trained himself, (there’s a great post about that here) so even if he wasn’t naturally predisposed to non-attachment, he would have had to learn it to deal with all the loss he had to live through over the years.

A lot of people think that Anakin fell because he had attachments, which is not true. He fell because of how his attachments played out and/or ended. The most obvious example being Palpatine, who used Anakin’s trust and friendship to groom him for over a decade and actively undermine Anakin’s trust towards anyone else, especially the order. (more on that here). Obi-Wan refused to take on the role of a father figure that Anakin tried to shove him into, so he turned to someone who did accept it. It’s not Anakin’s fault that it turned out to be the worst person alive, nor can we expect him to notice when he’s known Palpatine since he was a child. Another failure of jedi non-attachment, because a loving parent or guardian would not let their child be used as a bargaining chip when the most powerful politician in the galaxy blackmailed the order into allowing him to meet Anakin regularly, but a distant teacher and detached knight thinking of the greater good might. The other attachments Anakin had were taken from him (Shmi and Ahsoka, the last orchestrated by Palpatine who was fully ready to give her the death penalty to make Anakin more unstable), or he was forced to lie and hide them, compromising his vows as a Jedi (Padme) or refused to choose Anakin over the order/their principles (Obi-Wan, and again Ahsoka, and to some extent Padme, but he’d already fallen then). All these people had every right to make the choices they made, but it wasn’t the act of loving them that made Anakin turn to the dark side, it was how those attachments played out.

I think everyone agrees that Yoda is as detached as a Jedi should, if not can, be, and that didn’t prevent Dooku from falling. We see that explored in more detail with Barriss and Luminara. Luminara is detached and distant, she’s fond of Barriss, but their relationship is not familial in the slightest, and she repeatedly shows her willingness to put the greater good and the mission before Barriss’ safety and even life. And yet Barriss still falls. A complex combination of events and choices caused each of those characters to fall, not the simple presence or absence of attachment.

And lastly, just as attachment can make you unstable if your relationship with that person is unstable, it can also make you stronger. There is a reason Anakin and Obi-Wan were the face of the army. Not only did their obvious attachment (the strongest between two jedi we are shown) make them more relatable to the public, but they, when working as a team, are shown repeatedly to be more or less undefeatable. They spend half of aotc flinging themselves off great heights because they know the other will be there to catch them. They know from years of experience that they have backup and they know each other well enough (or force bond communicate) that they can trust the other will be where he needs to be to help/save them. Contrast that to how Windu and Palpatine fight in rots once the window breaks- very carefully, clearly holding back to keep themselves safe. Neither of them has backup until Anakin arrives, but until the last second they can't be sure which one he will choose. Anakin and Obi-Wan fight the same way on Mustafar, especially when balancing on that thin bridge. No acrobatics, swinging arms to keep balance, keeping their distance, being almost uncharacteristically careful compared to how they treated heights in aotc, in tcw, and on the invisible hand in rots, because they both know the other won't catch them if they fall this time.

#star wars meta #attachment #star wars #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #yoda #jedi order #mine

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probablytenderjourneys · 3 years ago

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jude and cardan headcanons that make my heart warm

Cardan often waits to fall asleep after Jude does because he likes to look at her and see her relaxed, an expression on her face that he rarely sees

every now and then, at revels, a member of the court would say something that is slightly offensive about Jude, not enough for them to be punished but enough to annoy her. Cardan puts a hand on her thigh under the table and gives it a squeeze to calm her down. Surprisingly, it works.

the land loves Jude, and adapts to her very easily despite her mortality. The smells she always liked about Faerie are suddenly more noticeable in the air and sometimes when she walks, flower grow in the shape of her feet.

Cardan is extremely proud and refuses to get rid of the flowers, even if they sometimes grow in their room

at night, when neither can sleep, they go to the gardens and bloom flowers of all kinds. Jude glows with happiness that she finally masters some magic and her expression is enough to lit Cardan on fire. When they return to their room, if they even make it back, they can't keep their hands to themselves.

on lazy nights, they lie in bed, closely embraced and trace each other's scars. Cardan kisses the scar in Jude's palm and Jude pulls Cardan closer to her.

when she's really tired, or overworked(because Jude does not know how to relax) she has nightmares. She dreams of her time in the Undersea, of Nicasia's cruelty and Balekin's lips on hers and when she opens her eyes, in the darkness of the room, Cardan looks too much like him. She whispers softly 'Cardan?' and he wraps his tail around her to pull her closer, as if he could push her into his body, into his soul and keep her safe there. He replies 'I'm here, my love' and starts playing with her hair. She immediately exhales in relief. She is the Queen of Elfhame and she loves Cardan.

Whenever Jude touches Cardan's cheek, or kisses his forehead or hugs him, it's as if Cardan melts into the touch. Before Jude he rarely had the chance to experience comforting, soft touches and now he can't get enough of them. He feels all her love seep into his skin through those touches and once she notices, she finds every opportunity to touch him.

Cardan also has nightmares- sometimes they're about Balekin and the punishment he endured at his brother's hands. These fill Jude with such an anger that she wants to murder Balekin all over again. She vows to Cardan that she'll get revenge on everyone who ever hurt him and since his entire family is dead and therefore not accesible for her to torment them, she finds little ways to make Asha's life a nightmare. Other times, Cardan dreams about losing Jude to the Undersea, and when that happens he screams her name. She touches his cheek and kisses him softly and swears she'll never leave his side.

In public, they always play a game of who can annoy the other more. Their banter is a mystery to the courtiers but they always laugh and although they swear they are annoyed at each other, everyone can see the love in their eyes.

In private, they're all soft touches and I love you's whispered in the dark.

When they're bored, they sneak out of the palace and walk through the rest of the isle. They are in disguise which allows Cardan to practice what he learned from the Roach and Jude to spy and listen to what the people say when they think no one hears.

Cardan loves to visit Vivi and Oak and Orianna, even Madoc, in the mortal world. With time, Madoc learned to accept his defeat. He understands now that while he always said that family comes first, it never did for him, not truly. Now, with the possibility of war and bloodshed forever taken from him, he finally understands that he is grateful to have Orianna at his side, and to watch Oak grow. Orianna left her pretentious manners behind in Faerie and learns to treat Cardan not as the High King, but as a child that needs love and protection and comfort. She cooks his favourite foods when they go to visit, and Madoc starts treating him with respect once he realizes that Cardan can and does make a good king. They sometimes talk strategy, and when Cardan suggets something that surprises Madoc, he proudly clasps a hand on the King's shoulder and gives him half a satisfied smirk. To Cardan, it almost feels as having a father.

Vivi adores when Cardan visits and so does Heather. He's funny and charming and it's so clear that he adores Jude that Vivi can't help being proud and delirious with happiness.

Oak loves when Cardan and Jude visit because Cardan always brings gifts, and chases him around. Jude looks at them with a look that Oak rarely saw while growing up, relaxed and unguarded. Oak loves Cardan for making his sister so happy.

Taryn treats Cardan exactly as she would a brother. Her child is a big crier and it takes ages to calm them down when they start crying. Cardan can calm the baby within seconds, making funny faces and spinning the baby around in his arms. Whenever they visit, Jude and Cardan shower the child with all the love they didn't feel when they were younger.

Taryn and Jude sometimes try to pose as each other to see if they can trick Cardan. They can't. Cardan can guess which one is Jude with barely a glance at them. Jude loves him even more for it. She loves that her husband can tell the difference between them

The Ghost, The Roach and The Bomb visit often too. The Bomb makes toys for Oak and Taryn's baby, The Roach performs tricks with coins and the Ghost plays hide and seek with Oak. Oak can never seem to find him, but he soon picks up a few tricks and it becomes harder and harder for the Ghost to find the kid.

Cardan is happy because he finally has a family that loves him.

Jude's heart swells with joy when she see Cardan becoming more and more comfortable with himself and with the people around him. He once said that he didn't knew if they could take off their armours after wearing them for so long, but he seems like he found a way. His heart is less guarded, and his smiles are brighter. Her heart becomes becomes lighter too.

They never have children of their own, but they love watching the children of their people run around and play at revels. They don't allow any kind of cruelty when it comes to children and if they ever see a parent treating their child wrong, they make sure it won't happen again.

They are feared by their people, Jude with her fierceness and Cardan with his quick wit and sassy mouth. But they are also loved. People fear betraying them because they fear losing the love the King and Queen have for their subjects.

Cardan turns out to be a greater king than Eldred ever was.

Jude becomes quickly admired by their subjects, for her bravery and resilience and everything that she did and does. Young girls are fascinated by her and often come up to their Queen to tell her how they wish to be like her when they grow up.

Jude and Cardan are happy and in love for a long time.

One day, Jude remembers how Balekin asked her if she wanted to become one of them, a long, long time ago.

She asks Cardan if it's possible to turn a mortal into a Faerie and they start researching.

Turns out, it is possible.

Cardan and Jude are happy and in love not only for a long time, but forever.

#tfota #holly black #jude duarte #cardan greenbriar #jude and cardan #high king of elfhame #high queen of elfhame #the cruel prince #the wicked king #the queen of nothing #taryn duarte #madoc #orianna #oak #headcanon

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scarlettscribbles · 4 years ago

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she used to be mine

- Anthony Bridgerton & TwinSister!Reader

Tags: 4k words - 3rd person POV, sibling fluff, family fluff, Anthony/Siena (not the main focus), Anthony is a soft boi when it comes to you (the softest, in fact), mourning

Warning/s: a bit spicy at the beginning, mild injury, mention of blood, major character death

Summary: A question from Siena about love sends Anthony into the past; making him recall his memories of a sister long loved, but never forgotten. A story told in moments.

a/n: don’t mind me, just manifesting my angst and bridgerton needs >> titles from waitress the musical

i. it’s not simple to say

“What do you think about love?”

“Love? What’s this all of a sudden?” Anthony laughed. He captured between his hands Siena’s own and kissed it playfully, making her giggle. “What do I think about it, well. I love kissing you, touching you-” he planted a soft kiss on her collarbone as his hands trailed down her abdomen. “I love--”

“Okay, no stop. That is not what I meant at all!” Siena stilled his wandering hands, laughing. She snuggled closer until they were chest to chest. “Love with your friends, family,...women.” she waggled her brows at the last word.

“Women, hah.” Anthony cast his eyes upward. “The only women I’ve ever loved are my mother and five sisters.”

“You mean four.”

“What?”

“You have four sisters: Daphne, Eloise, Francesca, and Hyacinth if memory serves correctly. Unless your mother’s pregnant, which I believe is unlikely. My lord, did you perhaps miscount?” Siena teased.

“No, no.” he waved his hand, chuckling. “She…”

ii. i still remember that girl

She was born 9 minutes before him; the eldest Bridgerton. This was a fact she liked lording over him teasingly. She won many arguments by simply stating “I am the eldest Bridgerton and therefore…”

Sometimes he could still hear her say it in his head.

“Remind me why I’m accompanying you again?”

“Because I am your older sister and--”

“I should always agree to what you’re saying, blah blah. Oh this is so crowded! Why could you not just send a maid to fetch the book?”

“Well what’s the fun in that? Come on Tony, you’re being too slow! It will be nighttime when we arrive there and the book I wanted will be gone!” she moaned miserably, turning around and tugging on his hand to encourage him to make haste.

“You and your dramatics. Why is this book so important anyway?”

“It simply is. I need it for when I become the Viscountess.” she smiled at him, chin jutting out proudly. “I can’t wait to get Papa’s watch. I will get it right, as Viscountess? He will pass it onto me along with the title.”

“Uh no he won’t. I am the heir in case you have forgotten, sister.”

“But I am the oldest. We might be both 10 but I am 9 minutes older than you.” she argued, waving her pointer finger at him.

“Yes, yes you’ve said that like a million times now! But you’re a girl, so you can’t. You shall marry some guy, not that there are any worth marrying. Why just the today I saw the son of that family I cannot remember for the life of me, doing something horrendous! I think it would be better for you to stay away from any and all men.” Anthony paused, realizing that he was - or is soon going to be - one of those men. “Except for me and Papa, of course.”

She merely looked at him in amusement. “Pish posh.” his twin huffed, eyes glinting in the sunlight. “I’m not going to exchange my ambitions for some mere man. You shall see Tony, I will have that watch. Now come on!” she dropped his hand and gathered her skirts, ducking and maneuvering between the throng of people. Anthony felt a tinge of panic, seeing his sister slowly becoming engulfed by the crowd.

“Sister wait!” he started to chase after her. He saw the blue tail-end of her skirt when someone bumped into him. He whirled around to complain to whoever it was; however, he seemed to have miscalculated the strength of his spin and tripped, landing on his bottom. “Ow, hey watch it!” he shouted at the people who accidentally kicked him, not noticing his figure on the ground.

Anthony hissed as he dusted his pants. He examined the palm of his hand and noticed scratches from when he landed too roughly on the floor. There were spots of red slowly making its way down his hand, along with drops of water.

Oh. He was crying.

“Where are you?” his voice warbled. “Sister…”

Has she left him, truly? Surely not. His twin is many things but never cruel. She was tenacious, smart, and…

“Tony! I let you out of my sight for a second and - goodness!” She ran over and knelt in front of him, glaring at the people who would come too close. They parted for her, giving them a wide berth. “Here, take my handkerchief. We should get home and wash your hands. We don’t want it to be infected. And your clothes are a mess, Mama is going to have a fit. Come now,”

“But your book?” he sniffed.

“Eh, I can get it some other time.” she smiled and patted his cheeks. “Don’t cry now, sister’s got you.”

...kind. She was kind.

iii. reckless just enough

Anthony was sulking. Not that he’d let anyone know. Papa had gotten angry with him. It wasn’t even a big thing. He simply...borrowed his watch to look at it. Anthony thought maybe he could figure out what made his twin so interested in it. It was a plain thing, nothing special maybe besides the monogram. He didn’t mean to drop it from the stairs. He really didn’t. He heard his name being called for lunch and he jolted.

He got a dressing down from Papa with his siblings present; Benedict and Colin in particular snickering at his plight. It was embarrassing. As soon as Papa dismissed him, he ran for his room, ignoring the calls of his twin.

Right now he was hidden beneath the curtains and behind his bookshelf. Did Papa really have to scold him at the lunch table? Anthony buried his face between his hands.

“You didn’t eat.”

Anthony banged his head on the wall when he looked up too fast.

“Are you okay?” his twin asked him, smiling amusedly. She carried with her a plate with bread, cheese, ham and a slice of blueberry pie.

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re smiling.”

“Laughing and smiling are worlds apart, Tony.” she shook her head and sat beside him, nudging him insistently until they were shoulder to shoulder. She slid the plate from her lap to his. “Eat.”

Anthony looked at her blankly. “Are you so distraught that you cannot eat? Do you want me to hand feed you like a child?” She made a motion as if she was going to grab the plate but Anthony shooed her hands away.

“I’m perfectly capable, thank you.” he stuffed a piece of bread in his mouth. “How’d you find me anyway?”

“Please swallow before you talk.” she said. “And, this is your room Tony. I’m simply using common sense.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

Anthony picked up the ham and cheese and continued eating. For a moment, they just sat there in comfortable silence.

“It’s unfair.” Anthony said, breaking the silence.

“What is?”

“Papa.”

“How come?”

“He was way too angry. I didn’t mean to drop his watch! And it wasn’t even broken. If it was, he could’ve repaired it easily.” he pouted.

“You could’ve also just asked him to look at it. You know, in his room. Where you can’t drop it from a height and possibly damage it.” she replied with a bit of sarcasm.

“Fine, yes, I could have.” he conceded. “I just don’t know why he was so angry.”

“It’s important to him.”

“It’s just a watch.” Anthony rebutted, pouting. His twin gave him a look that he knew meant “you look adorable but also stupid.”

“Nah.”

“No?”

“Nope.” she answered. “For one, it’s an heirloom. Heirloom is defined as -”

“I know what it means.” Anthony waved his hand. “Do go on.”

She gave him a faintly annoyed look which merely made him smirk. “I shall, and not because you told me to.” she cleared her throat. “The watch being an heirloom is just its value as a thing. There’s also the sentimental value. The memories and emotions attached to the watch. For Papa, he treasures it because it - probably - reminds him of grandfather and grandmother. Grandfather especially. Because he was the one to give the Papa the rights and responsibility for our family.”

“Is that why?”

“Why what?”

“I wanted to know what makes it so special for you.” Anthony shrugged. “You always talk about it, about getting the watch when we become older. I didn’t see the big deal. Is that why it’s so important to you too?”

“Yes, quite.” she answered. “I want to take care of our family, Tony. I know I can, I just do. I don’t want me to just be a wife. I’m meant for greater things. Also,” she grinned at him. “I want it so I could count down the seconds until I see you again.”

Anthony fake gagged, pretending to chuck the bread and cheese onto his twins’ lap. His twin scrambled away far from him and yelped. “You are disgusting! Mama! Anthony ruined the new dress that we just got!”

“I did not!”

“You were about to!”

iv. i was never attention’s sweet center

It was just a stupid, off-hand comment from Benedict. Anthony knew his brother meant no harm but still, the comment hurt.

“Maybe she truly should have your title, brother.”

Anthony was no stranger to her loud and obvious wanting to inherit the head of the house. In fact, he supported his twin. If Papa permitted it, he would gladly concede to you. However, it was unspoken between the twins the knowledge that Papa would never agree to such a thing; no matter how much he loved his eldest daughter.

Anthony was no stranger to her excellence either. While the both of them worked hard to set an example for their younger siblings. He always thought she was great at everything a girl should be and more. Though the ‘more’ part would never reach the ears of their mother or anybody else. Nobody should know that Anthony taught her how to sucker punch anybody that vexed her except maybe Benedict and Colin...also Eloise. That girl was far too curious and also far too attached to Benedict. Anthony thinks in the privacy of his mind that if she were a boy, there would be no quarrel that she’d get the title.

Other people also thought the same. Though they expressed it in a much less pleasant way, in words Anthony does not care for. They speak condescendingly. They speak of her gender with pity in their voices, their admiration twisted. They mention that her excellence should be toned down, that she should focus instead on things better suited to her. They speak of how inadequate Anthony is, how poor that a boy be overshadowed by a girl. They theorize how Anthony must hate her for taking all the spotlight. He hears all this, and she does too, seeing as they’re almost always attached at the hip. If it bothers her, she does not speak of it.

They speak of lies. Anthony thinks that her abilities suit her as they are and that no matter how bright she shines, it would never be something to be upset over. He basked in her light. They are wrong for thinking that she’s taking a piece of his life away when in truth, she completes it. Best friends, twins, soulmates; he loves her and she loves him. Still, their words leave a mark.

So when Benedict said that albeit in a teasing manner, Anthony just ran away. As he got older, he found it the preferable way to escape his problems. If he could not run to her then he must run away.

Anthony hugged himself as a strong breeze blew and made the unoccupied swing beside him rock.

“Tony.” And there she was. His twin was holding a book. She sat at the swing beside him.

There was silence. The only thing he could hear were the wind, the scuffling of his feet, and the soft sound of her flipping the pages.

“Sister,” she did not look up from the book but she hummed, signifying that he was heard. “Why did you come out here? It’s better to read inside, surely.”

“You’re upset. Of course I would come.” she said matter-of-factly.

“Did Ben tattle?”

“Ben? Tattle? His mouth is tighter than a woman’s corset when it comes to secrets.” she laughed lightly. “Surely you know better than that.”

“Yeah, I do.” he smiled. Since they were little, even if they were distances apart, both of them would always know - or at least had an inkling of - what the other was feeling. During their early years they chalked it up to magic but now they both just conceded it as a twin thing. “Actually, I don’t. Know better, I mean. Everybody seems to think so. Am I inadequate, sister? Dumb perhaps? I feel like I cannot do anything right sometimes! Compared to you I - “

His twin laid a hand on his shoulder. “Tony.” her brows were drawn and her lips pursed. “First of all, there is no comparison brother. I am me and you are your wonderful self. We are both excellent, please do not doubt yourself of that no matter what anyone says. And I know they say a lot. I’m just so used to tuning them out that I never considered that you might not do the same. I’m sorry.”

She stood up and drew him into a hug. Anthony’s arms stayed limp at his side. “People will flap their mouths because that’s what they do; say their opinions even though it’s unwelcome. If we tried to stop every single one of them, why I believe it’ll take all our lifetime and more!” she chuckled. “We cannot change them so we must change how much we’ll let their words affect us. Their words don’t matter at all! If I could, then I would shove those words back up their mouth and let them swallow it. Which I don’t know how to do. D’you suppose punching them would work just as well?” Anthony laughed wetly at her quip. It would work but it would also involve somebody calling Mama and Papa for her ‘inappropriate behavior’.

“What I know is this.” she grasped his shoulders and held them so she could stare at him in the eyes. Anthony met her determined gaze head-on. “You’re good enough Tony. Hell, you’re excellent.”

Anthony sobbed and quickly drew her into a fierce hug, his tears surely wetting her dress but he knew she didn't mind. “That is as sure as the sun that rises in the east. As sure as our family’s love, and ours for each other.”

v. bring back the fire in her eyes

It started with a cold. She had stayed up too long outside and now she’s bed-ridden. Anthony crossed his arms at the corner of the room as his younger siblings ran around. In his opinion there was too much ruckus for her to properly rest. However, Mama brought it up earlier and his twin just waved her concern away, stating that some liveliness will do her good. And who was Anthony to go against the wishes of his dear sister? It doesn’t mean that he has to like it though.

“No you’re the troll!” Eloise insisted.

“I was the troll last round!” Colin argued back.

“Now, now,” Benedict placated them both, then he glanced at Anthony in a way that promised mischief. “Why don’t we let Anthony be the troll then? He certainly looks the part with how grouchy he is.”

Daphne giggled. “And how he’s guarding his corner.”

“And how horrendous his face looks!” added Eloise.

Now he’s had enough. “You all look far too happy for someone who’s going to be troll food soon.”

“Troll wuh - AAH!” Eloise screamed as Anthony lunged at her. She took off with a sprint and soon the other Bridgertons followed as well, laughing boisterously. “Noo, Ben save me!”

“This is survival of the fittest -”

“Survival of the fittest your face!”

“Ehem.” Suddenly all motion stopped. Colin face-planted on the floor, caught by his momentum. All eyes went to the door where Violet Bridgerton stood along with a maid. She had a smile on her face coupled with a vaguely exasperated expression. “I’m glad you’re having fun but please take you playing outside. I need to tend to your sick sister.”

Various moans and complaints filled the room but only with a raise of their Mama’s brow, they filed outside the room, murmuring farewells and well wishes to the sole occupant of the bed. All except one. Anthony remained rooted at the side of his sister’s bed.

“Anthony, please.” Violet gently said. A complaint was on the tip of his tongue when a hand laid on his bicep. He looked at his sister, looking frail among the covers but she merely smiled and shook her head.

“I’ll be fine Tony.” she said. “Go and check that our siblings haven’t set the house ablaze or anything.”

For a moment, both of them just stared at each other. A silent conversation passing between them both. Anthony sighed. “Get well.” he bent over to press a kiss to her forehead. “I’m not sure I alone will be enough to stop them from doing that.”

She laughed. “You will be.”

vi. sometimes life just slips

It was only supposed to be a cold. A cold.

Someone almost barreled through Anthony as he, Benedict, Colin came through the door. “Whoa!” he exclaimed as the maid said a rushed apology. Everyone in the house seemed to be in a mad dash. He exchanged looks with his brothers, who were as clueless as he.

“Anthony!” came the panicked voice of Eloise. He held her shoulders and looked over her for any harm of some sort that caused her to panic.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. Anthony was surprised to see her looking up at him with teary eyes. Eloise is looking at him like how she used to when she was much littler, pleading to Anthony. Believing with all her might that her older brother will make everything okay. He looked behind her to Daphne who was pursing her lips.

“Oh God, is someone dead?” Colin quipped, then promptly made a punched-out noise as Benedict elbowed him.

“Sister, she - “

“She’s dead?!” Colin cried.

“No!” Daphne growled, irritated. “She’s just...in pain. Mama and Papa sent for doctors.”

“Goodness, how serious is this cold? - Anthony, wait!”

Anthony didn’t hear Benedict’s call. How could he over the thumping of his racing heartbeat? He ran upstairs like the devil was on his tail, and even then he felt like he was too slow. He paused at her door, psyching himself to open it. If he went in, what would he see? He raised his trembling hands, the complaints of his siblings nothing but a faint echo.

The doors burst open and out came two elderly men and one woman. The siblings crowded around them. Anthony could only hear snippets as he zeroed in on you. Mama was kneeling beside his twin’s bed, holding her daughter’s hand tight to her chest.

“The young miss will be fine -”

“We expect her fever to break -”

“Dear.” Anthony jumped, startled. The woman accompanying the doctors addressed him. “Are you okay?”

“My - my twin sister, will she be alright?”

“Twin, huh. That’s why you’re so distraught. Well all of you are but you in particular,” she shook her head and smiled. “Your sister is strong. She will be fine. You can go in. I’m sure she’ll be glad for your company.”

She need not say it twice. Anthony ran into the room.

“Sister.”

“Tony.”

He felt like he could breathe again.

vii. rewrite an ending or two

“Are you sure you don’t want to get up here? We shared a bed when we were little. And when we grew, sometimes.” she paused, thinking about her statement. “Often.” his twin amended.

Anthony hummed when she stopped running her hands through his hair. “No.”

“The ground is cold, Tony. You might get sick.”

“How could I? You already took all the sick with you.” Anthony grumbled. “I’m fine, sister.”

“If you say so.”

“How about you?” Anthony asked.

“Hmm?” she smiled. Facing down and in the darkness, Anthony couldn’t have seen it but he felt it. “I believe I will be.”

viii. she is gone, but she used to be mine

It was a miserable day in spring when the eldest Bridgerton was buried.

ix. most days i don’t recognize me

“She…” Anthony clenched his jaw.

“Are you ever going to finish that sentence?” Siena asked, smiling until she noticed how tense he was. She reached out to touch his arm, inquiring, “My lord, are you alright?”

Anthony sniffed and quickly stood up, hastily picking up his clothes. “Yes, fine.” he answered, hopping on one foot to put his shoes on. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“Where are you off to in such a hurry?” Siena asked. Anthony barely spared a glance at her, pausing shortly halfway out the door. He checked his watch, eyes glazing over for a moment.

“I need - I’m needed. At home.” With that, he briskly walked outside and into his carriage. It was today. He must’ve forgotten. How could he have forgotten? But he also ‘forgot’ the other years. The grief consumed him on this particular day. It was always a sore reminder that he was missing his other half. So instead of going to her grave, he went drinking. Instead of spending the day with her in his mind, he spent it with his cock inside somebody. Anthony spent so much time forgetting but now it’s as if her ghost had come to haunt him. Every memory had come rushing back, especially the day she died.

He remembered the night before. The doctors had told them she would be better. She told him she would be better. But he needed to stay close to her. Anthony fell asleep with her hand in his hair. Then he woke up to her eyes open but her breath was gone. He had never screamed so loud in his life.

Anthony remembered their parents barging into the room, Mama taking a step back looking as if she was seconds away from fainting. Then she saw her son on the floor and immediately enveloped him in her arms. He woke up in a bed sometime during the night. He woke up convinced it was all a dream but that promptly shattered when all his siblings (all except one) filed into the room in their sleepwear. Their eyes were swollen and wet. And it stayed that way until her funeral, and even some more after that.

The carriage stopped. Anthony got out and stopped at the gate. He knew Mama held some kind of family gathering during this day. What they did in the gathering, he had no idea. He never stayed long enough to attend. But today was different, somehow.

He padded softly into the drawing room. A quick glance noted him of all his siblings’ presence. Francesca was playing a familiar tune. Colin was singing in a low tone. Benedict, Eloise, and Daphne were all sitting on one couch, leaning against each other. The youngest ones sat on the floor, trying to follow the lyrics Colin sang. Mama was sewing. The melancholy vibe was replaced with a startled one. Francesca stopped playing and Colin stopped singing. Mama dropped what she was holding and walked towards him, arms open.

Anthony crumbled. “Mama -”

x. for the girl that i knew

“Mama what do you think about love?” It was indeed a bleak day in spring. Everybody had left after the service but Anthony chose to stay, lingering.

“Anthony I -” Violet began.

“Why does it hurt so much?” he whirled around, uncaring as tears and snot fell messily down his tired face. “I feel as if someone carved an unfillable hole inside me. Like every breath I take is not right. Half of me is buried six feet underground, mama. How can I bear it?”

Anthony curled into himself as Mama enveloped him into her arms. “One day at a time, dearest. You have us still.” she whispered. “One day at a time.”

[fin.]

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