#and there's an out of universe reason why the school got blown up

[redheadedbrunette]

Cool so I reread the series and I noticed a lot more than I did the first two times I read it which is fun. The relationship between Ben and Erica is more explored than I remembered which is good and I can definitely see her character arc a lot clearer.

X is still my least favorite book and there’s absolutely a corner that Gibbs wrote himself into on that one unless he’s entirely giving up on the idea of having Ben and co. be secret agents.

Ben’s a lot more of a competent spy than I remember too, which is refreshing.

I also completely forgot that all 10 of these books happen in the span of like a year and a half which is hilarious.

Oh and the age gap seems like something that would be a lot more of an issue if there weren’t only like 300 people in the world they could have contact with. Even Erica and Josh had a bit of a gap since she had to have been 14/15 or so while he was 17/18. A gap of 2.5 years would be problematic for normal kids but I think different rules would apply.

I'm so glad it was clearer on a second go around! Honestly, I didn't even really see it all that clearly until I reread the series a couple years ago (SSAS came out my first week of college) and had a lot more experience with how stories work on a fundamental idea. Erica's development is very much in the background, but when you're looking for it (excluding SSPX, but that's a different rant) it's so clear and interesting and I love it.

SSPX bothers me for SO MANY REASONS the biggest of which is that Mr. Gibbs puts the message before the overarching plot of everything, and then! It's not even a relevant message! Like, what twelve year old is hardcore believing QAnon (it's pretty obviously meant to be that or something similar). I feel like something could have been achieved and a message about privacy, like Murray makes getting a video of Ben part of some TikTok knockoff challenge, because that seems like a much more likely thing kids would do, but gotta make fun of people who remember what the news said two years ago and comparing it to what they say now! Can't have people with good memories! But yeah, it does shoot the series in the foot kind of, and I understand the reasoning behind why things were done the way they were! I just don't agree with it most of the time.

It's even funnier when you realize that it's not a year and a half evenly spread out, it's one mission his first year with five months before summer, one that summer, and seven his second year. Eight if you want to count SSGS and SSBI as different missions (I go back and forth as to whether or not I do). It's so funny. Please give poor Ben a break.

And yes! Ben is actually so much more competent than people seem to give him credit for sometimes. It's just that his skill set tends to be less flashy and useful in battle scenes, but he's very much the chess master of the group. He's the one planning and strategizing, and all the karate moves in the world aren't going to do you any good if you can't actually foil the plans.

My reasoning for why I'm okay with the age gap is because the narrative treats them as equals who are more or less in the same place in life. Like, yes she's two classes ahead of him, but for all intents and purposes, they're teamed up together constantly with others in Ben's class and I think Erica is the only one we really know about in her class (can't remember Chip's age, but he might be? idk, doesn't really matter). It's never dwelt on, and it bothers me when people try to make a deal about it! Like, they're not going to be in the same place in their lives forever. It's high school. Almost no one marries the person they dated in high school. I've long held that they'd break up sometimes after Erica graduates and starts her adult life while Ben is still in school (or something similar depending on how Mr. Gibbs decides to do things moving forward).

[icarusredwings]

Thinking about old Worst Wolverine being called by each of the X men individually after they have a falling out because Logan injured a child very badly to the point the only reason they didn't die is because another classmates healing abilities all while he just... walked away.

Well- ran.. away... leaving a child to die. He's tried to explain thousands of times that he blacked out, that he didn't remember doing any of this. He tries to say that maybe it was someone else, that mystique did this shit all the time in his universe.

"Yeah, well!? This isn't your universe! Because the REAL Logan would never do this.." Scott screams at him as Logan leaves the Mansion for the last time. He doesn't come back. He didn't even get to tell his Xkits goodbye. It got to the point where Laura dropped out, taking Gabby with her, wanting nothing to do with the school anymore.

So now, here he is. In Maine, an old fisherman, part-time hunter, and the only people he lets around him have healing factors.

He lives with Wade, who still- by the way- doesn't have any grey hairs (maybe because hes bald but- yk)

One night, while Logan is out, making himself feel useful by feeding the small town they're in, providing for more poor families, feeding their children's hungry mouths and asking nothing in return but respect. (It gets to the point that the children cheer when they see Logan, wanting to hug him, but he growls at them to get off, too afraid of hurting them) Wade finally awnsers the ringing phone.

"What." There's vemon in his tone, but soon his eyes widden, and he frowns.

Walking outside he stands there a moment, knowing Logan can hear him.

He ignores him, looking at the fish, litsening, his breathing slowing as he skewers some with his claws. Its not exactly spear fishing but- close.

"What?" His voice is almost annoyed, as if knowing what his long time Husband was about to ask him.

"Logan.."

"No."

"Logan-"

He shakes his head. "Don't care."

"...She's missing."

He pauses, turning after scraping the dead fish into a bucket. "Who's missing?"

"There's a little girl missing."

"So?"

"Logan!"

"I'm not helping them, Wade. That's final." He growls.

For a moment, Wade frowns, but he didn't learn to obey thy husband like the bible said.

He never did.

"Logan, there's a 6 year old out there. All alone. Cold. Probably going to be eaten by wolves!" He shouts from the back porch, knowing his place enough to stay here and not come near his fish. Even after all these years, Logan was still finicky over his food. "And all because some old fart won't help her!"

The silence thickened as Logan thought about it, the hero side of his brain yelling 'We'll find her!' And the hurt old part of him saying 'That's not my buisness.'

".. You find her then." He compromises.

"I can't! And if anyone knows those Canadian woods, it's you! You said you knew those forests like the back of your hand!" Wade protests. "If I could smell someone through miles of freezing snow, I would. But I can't. So here I am, asking The Wolverine to go do what he does best."

He grunts, glaring. "And that is?"

"Helping a little girl get back to her mommy..." Wade says, knowing that he was sold. He knew he was sold the moment he told him to do it himself. "She doesn't have much time, Logan." He sighs, putting a cherry on top.

The greyed man huffed, grumbling under his breath for a moment. "Who will stay here with the dog?"

"Gabby can! She loves gabs." Gott'em.

"What about Laura? Why can't she find her?"

Shit.

"Logan, Laura has barley been in those woods. You've lived in them for years. So. What will it be. Pull up your panties and go save a little girls life? Or do it anyway when our baby girl gets lost too?"

Logan scoffs, disappointed. "..She wouldn't get lost.."

"She would if the scent kept being blown away.."

Wade adds, seeing the 'god damn it, he's right.' look on the old mans brow.

He lets out a large sigh. "...I don't want any help."

"Oh well too fucking bad bucko, I'm gonna go pack my snow suit!"

"No! I mean... I don’t want any help from THEM.."

"No promises. I'm not letting poor Susie die just because you have a grudge. Now put your fish in the freezer and lets go! They're coming to pick us up-"

"I ain't flying!!" Logan snarls, watching as his lover ran off, having a deep feeling that he would be in the air shortly..

[hlficlibrary]

HL FIC LIBRARY ✤ AUTHOR REC

AO3: LiveLaughLoveLarry

Tumblr: @loveislarryislove

STATS:

✤ Number of fics: 88

✤ Posting Since: 2014

TOP 5 FICS:

1️⃣ You Took My Heart By Surprise {T, 39k}

There is reason to believe Prince Harry’s life is in danger. After a failed kidnapping attempt, Louis is assigned to guard Harry around the clock. He is the best at what he does, but he has a tendency to not get along with clients. Louis and Harry start off on the wrong foot, but it soon becomes clear that neither is at all what the other expected.

Queen Anne met Louis’ eyes. “While your file documents many remarkable accomplishments, it also contains a number of early terminations. Why is that?”

“It all depends on what your priorities are,” he said slowly. “If your primary concern is protection, I’m your guy. If you’re looking for someone polite…” He shrugged. “I don’t generally try to be rude, but social graces aren’t what I’m being paid for. If someone values being sucked up to over being protected, that’s their problem.”

“You seem quite well-mannered,” Anne said, frowning.

Both Nick and Louis snorted at that. “You’ve only known me for ten minutes,” Louis said. “Give it time.”

2️⃣ Though the Seasons Change So Quickly (Keep Them Buried In My Heart) {G, 6k}

A series of moments of Harry and Louis' relationship through the years, from the very beginning to the present, through the perspective of those around them. It's beautiful and it's brutal, it's awe-inspiring and it's awful - it is what it is.

"He’s special, Gem," Harry says. "He’s different. Different from anyone else I’ve ever known. I think-”

Gemma holds up a hand. “Slow down, buddy,” she says. “You’ve only known him a few months.”

“I know,” Harry says again, his fingers tugging at the designs embroidered in the blanket. “But it’s still true.”

Gemma studies him for a long moment. It’s interesting, she thinks. She’s never seen him like this -– not really. He’s almost glowing, a smile constantly either present or hiding just below the surface, and while it could just be the band as a whole making him so happy, she somehow doesn’t think so.

3️⃣ Funny How The Stars Crossed Right {NR, 17k}

Liam and Louis round the corner to see a horse trotting around the ring. She (or maybe he) is a beautiful animal, with a dark black coat and white socks. A tall man in riding clothes sits atop the horse, speaking softly. He’s completely focused on the horse, and doesn’t notice their entrance at all. Dark brown curls spill out from beneath his helmet, and his expression is one of total joy.

“Who’s that?” Louis asks, finding himself oddly breathless.

“That’s Chester,” Liam says. “He’s an angel.”

Louis is about to comment that he looks like an angel, but then pauses. “The human or the horse?”

Louis is a photography student, assigned to do a project at Greenfield Stables. Harry is a veterinary student, working part-time at Greenfield to gain experience and make a little money. They both have something to teach the other.

4️⃣ Might've Took The Long Way {M, 21k}

It's been two years since Harry and Louis broke up. They were that couple in high school -- you know the one; been together forever, hopelessly in love, all over each other, the whole nine yards. Even when Louis went off to university, they found a way to make the distance work.

Until they broke up.

Now Harry is back in town, and no matter how many times Louis tells himself they can't be together, they keep falling right back into each other.

“They got a name?” Bebe asks.

“What?”

“Your ghosts,” she says, her voice suddenly soft. “If you want to tell me, I mean. I know I said I wouldn’t ask, but. Sometimes it can help to exorcise them.” She pauses, and chuckles. “Other times, vodka works better than sage.”

Louis holds his breath for a moment, building the courage, before he finally murmurs, “Harry.”

“Sorry?”

“Harry,” Louis says again. The name feels like a time bomb in his mouth, but it hasn’t blown up yet. “His name was -- is -- Harry.”

5️⃣ The Things You Hide {NR, 27k}

Louis has been an MI6 agent for four years. Now he wants out. Unfortunately, his superiors have other ideas. Their solution: a 'mission' in the Greek Islands, one that's more vacation than actual work. Harry is an avid photographer who shows him around the area. He's open and carefree and everything that Louis wishes he could be. Along the way they fall in love, and maybe Louis learns a little about love, a little about lies, and a whole lot the meaning of home.

HIDDEN GEM:

💎 what's left of my halo's black {E, 22k}

As Harry sucks lovebites into Louis’ neck, Louis hopes that one day those marks will cover the way he can still feel Alex’s handprints burned into his flesh.

As Harry’s nails drag scratches along Louis’ back, Louis hopes that one day the scabs on his heart will heal and drop away just like the scabs on his skin.

As Harry fucks him down into the mattress, the bed shaking with every thrust, Louis hopes that one day his mouth will forget the shape of Alex’s name, won’t trace it over and over as the heat builds inside him, won’t want to scream it when he comes. Maybe one day he’ll open his eyes, as he slowly floats down from his post-orgasm haze, and won’t expect to see Alex’s face smiling back at him.

But today is not that day.

A year after a devastating breakup, Louis is still trying to put himself back together - but getting over a breakup is hard when you work as a wedding planner. Thankfully, his coworker Harry is the most supportive friend Louis could ask for. But Harry has some secrets of his own, and they send Louis' world spinning off its axis all over again.

[jun-hug]

dream team art school! au

Doodles that inspired me to write a little drabble fic :)

ꕤ • ꕤ • ꕤ

This was Georges biggest project,

okay maybe biggest project this semester... or last 2 months, either way the assignment occupied boys attention for couple last weeks, especially this week. That's why his two best friends were so eager to meet up, it felt like they haven't seen him in so long yet they go to same university. When brunette texted on their group chat asking for a hand with a photoshoot he haven't even blinked an eye before they eagerly agreed.

What's even more exciting, boys haven't seen George's project yet! The oldest kept it a secret to "prevent the leaks" because apart from it being his assignment it was also an entry to one of his most ambitious fashion competitions. The fashion awards of all US fine arts universities. He had high hopes for it.

"Alright I'm almost ready, remember to put the ISO to 200, I borrowed those lights for a reason!” Georges words were a little muffled but still understandable as he worked on setting his design as perfectly as it could get.

"Got it Gogs, come on we don't have a whole day!” they did, their classes finished at 11am today and it was Friday so they were free for the next days. Sapnap was just eager to see the boys creation, after all he put all his heart into it, like he does to all his projects. "Actually we do" Dream interjected, youngest only glared at him knowing damn well he's as impatient considering constant taps on his thigh.

"Yeah Sap idiot, we have all day.. but you're right, it's better if the light from outside is still at it's best." he finally emerged from behind the wardrobe curtain. Okay. The boys were stunned it's not that George usually doesn't look like goddess himself - that's far from truth actually. It's just that this time they're seeing his art mixed with all his grace and beauty. Sapnap manages to whisper little "Oh god" only for Dream to hear, as the tallest boy starts "You-”

The baby blue glowy shirt, ornamented with flowered embroidery makes his face look soft, bringing out his strawberry cheeks and eyes hinted with a bit of peachy shadow. It all contrasts, yet fits without fault with a long, red, mermaid cut skirt. It's flowy, the material decorated with blue beads in the shape of hearts- And oh-

Dream gasps, Sapnap inhales loudly. Fishnets, George is wearing fishnets and the cut in the thigh is so high it shows his left leg fully. good christ, they are so down bad. Sapnap eyes Dream and They can really just see how both of them are fully raspberry blown faces.

They are both hot. red.

And The brunet who's the one and only cause is clearly oblivious to their reaction as he innocently asks "so how does it look?", makes a gesture with hands showing of the sleeves and frills on the skirt.

"I- you, it's well, George, it's so beautiful you look amazing." Dream exhaled eyes still on him, almost not blinking.

"George it truly is gleaming - I mean the colour palette for this one??? Ms Chevreu will loose her shit when she sees this! You actually are so skilled holy smokes” Sapnap added still admiring his friend's piece.

"awe thank you! I hope she looses her shit to be honest that would be funny, she's into reds recently so I think she will" boy snickered, his cheeks visibly tinted, not only from blush he applied couple minutes ago.

"alright!" he clapped his hands "time for shoot!"

Youngest set the light, while dark blond took photos to fill the entire SIM card folder. Taking that George was /very/ photogenic it was easy to catch the best shots, it's almost like he looks perfect in all of them. George is perfect tho, Dream thinks.

"Okay I think we're done, I took pictures from every side I think" Dream announced as George stretched "gods yes please my back is starting to hurt so bad" as to emphasize that he popped his bones ”ew George don't do that” Sapnap made a face.

"what do you mean you are the worst back popper I've met. Hearing only a scoff in response from other boy George's half lidded eyes closed for a little while.

"He's meditating guys!” Dream squeeked in one of his mocking voices, George giggled "he's died!"

"Okay, that's it I'm checking the photos!" Sapnap yanked the camera from the tallest's hands and plopped on one of the puff poufs. "Hey be careful you goose! this camera only cost me 5 and a half months of cafeshop money!” Dream hurried with scolding

George got up slowly and joined the youngest, soon enough all three of them were slumped on floor, brit in the middle looking and commenting on photos. "Hey guys.." brunet started, causing Dream and Sapnap turning to him.

"yeah?" dark brunette asked.

"thank you... for supporting me, like not only this time but at all" he turned his eyes from both pairs of theirs. Then he cupped each cheek and gave it a short kiss.

Boys blushed, all three of them.

"Yeah no problem Gogs, we'll always be your biggest fans" Sapnap breathed out.

"Always" Dream repeated.

And if for the rest of the day boys only watched movies all cuddled up on couch, snacking on anything they found in brunets kitchen, that was on them.

thank you for reading ♡

hugs,

Jun

[fromgoy2joy]

Hi! I have been off and on about my converion for a few years. My biggest road block is when I am asked by Rabbi’s or others “what is your reason for converting?”. My answers always seem off putting to the asker (jewish theology resonates with me, jewish ancestry, a love for jewish philosophy and torah principles). I wanted to ask how did you answer and navigate this question at the beginning of your journey?

hello hello! This is such a fascinating question that will merit a *long* response, so sit down, make yourself comfortable, get some tea etc. Sorry for making you wait, but I thought this would be a good post for me to reflect on on a Shabbat I can’t observe. (Family thingz and drama eek)

I entered the Jewish community in a somewhat unconventional way. As a college student, I decided to convert after years of thinking about it and a lifetime of longing for it.

I could go into a whole tangent about that, but short story. I’ve always felt pulled to Judaism and I always tried to fix myself into being a good Catholic girl. One of my earliest memories at 6 was being told to name my stuffed monkey after a saint and I chose Moses for her. Because I wanted her (and me) to be Jewish.

So after years of self torment, I entered college, pretty sure that I was going to convert but completely unknowing of how to start. But school started in September- it was all high holidays and that’s like bursting in on Christmas (not accurate portrayal but from a cultural Christian POV.) I kept on making excuses.

It was a little revelation I had to myself on a seemingly innocuous Friday night. That if if all religion is “disproven” tomorrow, I would still want to practice these traditions, and pass it down to my children. I would still want to be apart of this community and follow the philosophies.

That night was October 6th.

Then I woke up on October 7th and my world had completely shaken. I can’t even put the words into how I felt- it was as if I had blown out the candles of a birthday cake joyfully, unknowing of the darkness I was letting in.

I wept at the constantly playing news. I went to memorial services at local synagogues and struggled through (and got better at ) the Hebrew. I stopped all ham consumption and started to attempt at keeping kosher. And I started going to the Jewish life room provided by our university more and more often.

No one would be in there in the odd times I’d come in, but I started to read “Judaism for Dummies” on their somewhat uncomfortable couch. I was delighted to see that it was too simplistic for me, that there was so much I already knew. Then I moved on to the more complex books about Jewish literacy, philosophy and stories to get more well rounded. But that’s a hard place to start where I know about intense philosophical questions but not the Shema.

I really got involved in the community. I went constantly to shabbats, introduced myself to people around and met with leaders. I went to rabbis’ houses and played with their children. I got involved in advocacy. I walked to a minyan on a Friday night a mile off in the rain. I learnt prayers and butchered the pronunciation.

By the time I actually sat down with my converting rabbi, I’d been immersed in Jewish life for around 3 months.

So I covered bases with him- how I felt about Judaism, how I had learnt and practiced my faith in the limited time I had, but most of all how I had gone through hell and back with the Jewish people and how I never wanted to leave them.

(And then I got assigned 600 pages of reading. So success but at what cost? Just kidding just kidding!

My recommendation to you is- as much as you can- immerse yourself in Jewish community. Make it to prayer services. Help out. And if they ask the “who, what, why, where, when” on your conversion, you don’t have to over-explain. Just smile and say “oh it’s a long story, but this feels like home. “

Because that’s what Judaism is to me - and what it sounds like for you too. Home.

You’ll refine your answers to the other hard questions later. It sound like you already have those answers and your “why” .But making yourself at home here is what I’d (from my experience) recommend you focus on.

[jerzwriter]

In Another Time...

Book:                   Open Heart (Pre-Series/Hopkins Years)

Pairing:                Tobias Carrick x F!OC (Chenza), Ethan Ramsey

Rating:                 Teen

Category:            Angst

Summary:   Vincenza wasn't the only thing that came between the former best friends, but she may have been the final straw. Now, as Ethan seethes, she and Tobias make plans for a future together until one night changes everything.

Words: Approx. 2,250

A/N: A little background on my HC for "the Hopkins Girl." Ethan and Tobias both fell for Vincenza, who was dating someone else when they all met. The three became friends, but when her relationship ended, Ethan made a move. Though he was displeased initially, Tobias realized they were crazy about each other, and he wasn't ready to commit, so in time, he let it go. But wrapped up in studies and his competition to be the best, Ethan didn't make her a priority, and they split. She leaned on Tobias a lot to get over the breakup, and while neither felt it was a good idea to become more, in time, they did. Time at Hopkins was nearing an end, and they decided to keep things quiet until after graduation. They planned on selecting residencies in the same area and building a future together until...

A/N 2: I'm participating in @choicesprompts first prompt for January 2023; it got me thinking about this timeline of their story. Also, @choicesjanuarychallenge Day 4, Dating/Break-Up/Self-Reflection. (I didn't get to edit much; forgive me! lol)

“I didn’t mean it like that!”

“How did you mean it then?”

“You know…in a good way!”

“In what universe could what you just said be construed in a good way?”

They stood facing each other, hearts pounding, chests heaving with emotion.

Neither wanted to be the first to admit their feelings to the other.

“I’m leaving!”

“Wait! Please don’t! I… I’m ready to tell you the truth!”

Vincenza spun around with fire in her eyes. She had been determined not to let him see the pain in her heart, so she cursed the emotion in her voice that quickly betrayed her.

“The truth, Tobias?” She quivered. “Now? What exactly have you been saying for the past six months? All this time? I assumed it was the truth... until tonight!”

“It was the truth! It is the truth!” He insisted, attempting to take her hand, but she pulled it away as quickly as if his touch were fire. He hung his head low, staring at the cracked, ice-covered ground beneath his feet. Perhaps he should just walk away. He was known to be smooth, but even he couldn’t spin this. There was no way to convince her what she overheard was misconstrued. If only he could hit rewind….

“Do we have to go tonight?”

“Chenz!” he grinned, completely disarming her. He knew the power of that smile, and he used it, which is why she turned away, but the spell had already been cast. Her eyes shut, and her head flung back when he began working his magic on her shoulders. He always did this to ease her tension, but deep down, he knew tonight, he was trying to get his way.

“This is going to be the last big party of our med school career. Do you really want to miss it?”

She slipped from under his grip and turned to him with pleading eyes. 

“We’ve been trying to keep our relationship on the down-low… if we go to Stanley’s party tonight, that’s going to be blown sky high.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” He implored, and she noted the hurt in his eyes.

“Of course not, but… we both agreed to wait until we left Hopkins to be fully public. I would never deny you… deny us… but we both felt rubbing it in Ethan’s face wouldn’t be wrong.”

“Yeah, six months ago, I believed that. But the novelty has worn away,” he frowned. “You mean everything to me, but we’re a dirty secret. You got to go everywhere when you were on his arm, never a reason to hide.”

“That’s not fair!” she spat. “We are out of here in two months. The future is ours! Yours and mine… not Ethan’s. But while we’re here, I want to add salt to his wounds. Nor do I want to be seen as ‘that woman.” Because you know as well as I do, you’re both men, you’ll get a pass, but I’ll be that whore that came between two best friends!”

“That’s not what happened, Chenza!”

“You know that! I know that! Even Ethan knows that, but it doesn’t matter if that’s not what anyone believes.”

“So it’s other people we’re concerned about? Other people who don’t matter to us for shit.”

“Tobias, I….” she stopped and stared out the window; the sky was already dark. She knew this wouldn’t be easy, but when they both decided they couldn’t fight their feelings any longer, eight months didn’t seem too far away. After that, Hopkins would be a distant memory, and it would have been worth the sacrifice, but now… “Tobias, why don’t you go without me. I want to spend some time looking at my residency offers anyway. So….”

“Forget it,” he sighed, “We’re all adults, and you and Ethan have been apart for over nine months. But… if we have to remain a dirty secret, I’ll stay home too. I know it may be hard for you to believe, but I don’t really want to be out celebrating if I can’t do it with you.”

Tobias headed to the bedroom and threw on his sweats. He assumed this arrangement would be easier, but as he lay in bed listening to the deafening silence, he hoped he could make it just two months more. It wasn’t much later when he heard Chenza walk in.  

“Come on,” she said. “We can’t go to Stanley’s with you dressed like that. I have a reputation to uphold.”

He should have been amazed, not much time had passed, but she looked like she had stepped out of a magazine. His breath was taken away. The black velvet dress he bought on their trip to New York, her chestnut brown curls falling over her bare shoulders, and the make-up he swore she never needed looking perfect nevertheless. 

“You look… you look beautiful. What are you doing?”

“I’m going to the party,” she smiled. “And I was hoping you would join me. I picked your black suit up from the dry cleaners,” she winked. “It’s in the closet. I’ll be downstairs.”

“There is no good way, Chenza," he started. "But that was only the second dumbest thing I said tonight; the first was back at the party…. I’m… I’m so sorry!”

“Are you?”

“Yes,” he hissed, insulted, though he knew he had no right to be. She had every reason to doubt him. “I was an idiot. I had way too much to drink, and when Ethan started talking shit, I just….”

“You just put him and your stupid rivalry before me! The way it always has been!”

“No, I didn’t… I mean, I did… but I didn’t want to….”

“It was in your control, Tobias!” She scoffed. “Don’t act like you’re the victim.”

“I didn’t say I was... Chenza, can you let me explain?”

The smile on his face was unmistakable; hers was too. He was crazy about her, but even he was surprised at how fast his heart was racing. At how much his chest was filled with pride. Her arm was tucked into his, and when she looked up at him and smiled, he was on top of the world.

“This means so much to me,” he whispered as they walked the path to Stanely’s door.

“You know what, I’m glad we’re doing this too. We shouldn’t have to hide.”

“No, we shouldn’t.”

“But, Tobias….”

“I know,” he grinned. “We don’t need to hide, but there is no need to rub it in.”

She let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding and smiled. “Exactly.” 

The door opened, and the night began. There were some whispers, of course, but mostly smiles. Truthfully, most had suspected they were an item for some time. She and Ethan split over nine months before due to no fault of her own. She had nothing to feel guilty about, she reminded herself as Tobias shot her a smile from across the room. While she had been apprehensive, now, all she felt was a relief. The future was theirs, and it was time everyone else knew it too.

Ethan was cordial at first, greeting her warmly if only nodding at T. She wished she could have told him, but he refused to take her calls. But she wasn't going to be overt; she and Tobias would act the way they always had. She was confident the evening would end just fine. 

Tobias joined some of the guys in the billiard room down the hall as Dr. Stanley introduced Chenza to his wife, one of the top psychiatrists on the East Coast. He had told her about his top student and her plans to unseat her. Chenza insisted that wasn’t possible, but the lovely woman insisted that’s just what she wanted her to do, she laid a foundation for others to build on, and she couldn’t be more delighted.

Vincenza was simply beaming, the evening seemed to be going better than planned. No one noticed that Ethan had slipped away. With a bottle of the best bourbon from the bar in one hand and a glass in the other. He found a quiet corner where he could seethe. Tobias’s drinking was celebratory, but he also had more than a few. Still, when Ethan entered the room and sparring began, he thought he was in control. But it took only one question from a well-intentioned professor for things to spiral.

“Have you settled on a residency program yet, Tobias?”

“I’m still weighing my options. I have it narrowed down and hope to decide by next week.”

“And you’re heading to Edenbrook, is that correct?” The same professor asked Ethan. “You must be very proud.”

Ethan stood taller, and his chest stuck out with pride. “I am, despite the best efforts of others, there could be only one selected…, and I’m happy to say… it was me.”

Tobias lowered his eyes and turned away, downing the drink in his hand. Though he had made dozens of excuses, he knew what he’d done to Ethan was wrong. Still, it didn’t lessen the sting of Ethan winning once again. Four years... every time, he came out ahead. Maybe by a point or two, but always ahead. Now, it had been announced. Ethan was graduating first in class. He won the residency they both coveted. He was Dr. Banerji’s next protégé. He won… again.

But Tobias was happy. He was in love, though he wasn’t quick to admit it. He and Chenza had plans, and she was there on his arm tonight. So he wasn’t going to let this get to him. Ethan could have the floor, and it didn’t bother him a bit… at first.

Chenza looked at the clock, it was late, and she was more than ready to go home, but she wanted to spend a little more time with Tobias before they did. She was stopped a few times along the way but finally made it to the billiard room, surprised to hear raised voices. That wasn’t… she considered just turning away; it was probably best not to insert herself. Still, she wasn’t one to run. Making her way down the small staircase, the voices became more clear.

“… I’d be delighted if you selected Boston,” Ethan slurred. “In fact, if something ever opened up at Edenbrook, perhaps I could put in a good word for you with Dr. Banerji. That is if his opinion of you isn’t already set in stone.”

 “Obviously, if I’m in Boston, it will be at Kenmore or Brigham, not Edenbrook. Because I have….”

“Burned every damn bridge you had at the best program in the country. So no matter what else you select, you’ll always be second best. Right, Carrick?”

“Second best?” Tobias seethed. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. How about we meet at the ten-year reunion and see who’s second best, Ramsey.”

“I look forward to it. You haven’t bested me once in four years. With your entitlement and morals, or lack thereof, I’m sure the next decade won’t be any different.”

Still unnoticed, Chenza rushed across the room, eager to steer Tobias out of the party before things got worse… but as fate would have it, she was a moment too late.

“Awfully big words there, Ethan. But don’t you worry about me. I’ll still be in a top-tier program watching my star rise. But unlike you, my skills aren’t limited to my chosen profession. So while you’re spending all those late nights huddled close with Banerji, just remember, I’ll be across town in bed with Chenza, reminding her why she made the right choice.”

The room went silent except for the sound of Chenza’s gasp. Tobias’s face fell, and hers crumbled as she ran to the door.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Ethan smirked as Tobias rushed away.

“There’s nothing to explain, Tobias. I’ve been a goddamn fool!”

“You haven’t been a fool.”

“Oh! Yes, I have! I’ve wasted four years of my life loving two men who never loved me in return. Do you know how that makes me feel! I’ve never been more than a pawn in your twisted little game!”

“That’s not true! Chenza, we’re picking residencies together. We’re going to build a life together because I love you… not because you’re some prize I stole from Ethan.”

“Really?”  She laughed sadly, tears building in her eyes. “I might believe you more if you lowered yourself to utter those words to me once before now."

“Chenza…”

“Chenza, nothing! I’ve said them to you, right? Countless times! And what have you said in return? You mean everything to me. You have no idea how happy that makes me. But God forbid you ever told me you loved me."

“But I did! I do! I should have said them, but I always thought actions mean more than words, and….”

“...and tonight, your actions told me all I needed to know.”

The tone of her voice struck him, and his stomach wretched; he knew her well, and at that moment, he knew the battle was lost. He loved her, it had never been more clear to him than it was now, and now it was all slipping away.

He watched her collapse against a lamppost, wiping away tears that stung her cheeks in the bitter cold. Delicate snow began to fall and the moonlight cast a magical glow. They should have been laughing, her under his arm, kissing her as they made their way home. They should have shared one last drink, talking about their debut to the world, and the bright future they planned. That was the night he had envisioned.

Instead, he stood several feet away, ashamed of the broken expression on her face. He had seen it before after she left Ethan, and he promised himself he'd never make her look that way... He could have tried harder, he could have begged... he knew he loved her... but he also knew how good it felt when he saw the look in Ethan's eyes when they walked in that night... and he knew it was wrong. He could have tried harder tonight, but Chenza had been put through the wringer by two fools who had a lot of growing up left to do, and she deserved better.

She wiped her face and stood tall; he wasn't surprised at her strength. He had seen it before.

"I'm going to stay with my old roommate, Dawn, tonight. I'll stop by to get my things tomorrow. I don't want to drag this out... it has to be done."

"I'm so sorry, Chenza..." was all he could offer.

"So am I," she smiled sadly. "I really loved you... I really loved you both."

"I know you don't see it now, and I don't blame you. But we both loved you, too. We're just... idiots.... and you deserve better."

"You're right," she smiled. "I do."

"Can I walk you to Dawns?"

"No need," she said, nodding to an approaching car. "She's here to pick me up."

Chenza walked past him and slipped into the passenger's seat., turning to look at him one last time. "Goodbye, Tobias."

"We probably just should have stayed home," he said with a broken voice.

"It's OK," she swallowed. "I'm glad we didn't."

A/N 3: In my HC, Chenza was not the bad guy ... no one was really the bad guy. Tobias and Ethan did love her. They were just two men who were still dealing with a lot of damage from their past and too caught up in themselves to make anyone else the center of their world. In the future, they both apologized to her at separate times. She graciously accepted and thanked them, for helping her to realize her worth.

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Tagging others separately

[delcat177]

I keep having these days where I don't know why I'm in such a choppy mood. I sit around feeling anxious and restless, stewing in malaise and reasoning with myself that I have no reason to be feeling that way, I'm making great progress, etc etc.

The bad mood remains. I feel the lizard brain whining, the inner child throwing a tantrum, and it slowly begins to dawn on me that my ears hurt a bit.

Ear pain is one of the great equalizers. It's up there with barking your shins for being so universally, uselessly miserable that the toughest buck in the cowboy club would be pardoned for crying over it.

But I don't realize it, until I have gone through tangible hours of trying to treat myself psychologically and finally listen to the tantrum and lie down horizontally that I realize not only are my ears not just "hurting a bit" but are full-blown aching--and what's more, so is my entire skull, my neck, the socket of my bad eye, because what's actually got my system out of whack is barometric sinusitis, and buddy, that is a Legitimate Hell of a Thing.

I'm not asking for pity or headpats. I am trying to understand how it is that I block out pain so hard. I know that autism is part of it, but I don't know if that's the hypersensitivity or having had to develop pain blocking *because* of the hypersensitivity.

It is so troubling to me, looking back over my past, how many times legitimate health issues flew under the radar because I didn't have the language to communicate what was happening. Children, and not just autistic children, live raw lives without knowledge of what's happening to them or methodology to translate that to adults. It's a harrowing thing to realize.

Anyway I did lie down and my ears went brrrrrr and I'm feeling my sinuses decongest, which is one of the great equalizers in the other direction. The preacher at Fundie School, a thoroughly deplorable man, once wandered on one of his tangents through the sheer bliss of your nose clearing near the end of a bad cold, of snuffling in novelty of fresh, cool air, and in that, I have to agree with him.

Equalizers and counterbalances. I dunno. Sometimes I write words.

Love and peace, Vash the Stampede style, to everyone struggling with barometric issues right now <3 It's a hell of a storm, and it's okay if your head hurt and it sucks, we can all be whiny bastards together o7

[lunaxstella]

College???

I've been asked multiple times why I decided to leave Bachelor in Multimedia Arts despite being in it for almost three years. And every time it's brought up, I smile and say random things to hopefully end the conversation. Why? Because I don't really know how to explain it. I'm not sure how I can tell someone that I was suffering from things that no one can see and only I can feel. And there's actually more to it than just being tired of fighting my own mind.

Everything started on the day I was on my way to enroll in senior high school. My parents decided to drop me off at a jeepney stop since it was on their way to work anyway. I remember clearly that my mom asked me what strand I decided to sign up for. At that time, I was planning on taking a psychology program after high school, so I told her I'd be taking HUMSS. Then, she proceeded to ask me if I was sure of it and if I didn't consider choosing STEM instead. But I told her that HUMSS is a much better fit for my preferred program in college. She did not push me to choose STEM, but what bugged me was the tinge of sadness in her voice as she said her words of support. One of my weaknesses is my mom's sadness and I can't bear hearing it. So, when I got to the university to sign the papers needed, I put my name under the STEM strand. I remember standing there for a hot minute and weighed the pros and cons of my sudden decision. I justified it by telling myself that my favorite subjects are science and mathematics anyway and that I'm afraid of public speaking so choosing HUMSS would be a difficult road to take. I also tried to assure myself that psychology is a branch of science, so taking STEM is not that bad—it was.

I almost did not make it out alive, literally. Along with the problems with my peers, I constantly questioned the subjects within the strand and how they relate to the program I want to take in college. It's not helping that the curriculum was too focused on engineering. A lot of my classmates who wanted to take medical programs were also having the same questions as I did. But I did it. I graduated regardless of having to transfer schools and constantly falling into relapse. I even made it to the honors list. I had my research awarded as the best research among our batch despite having to present my defense twice since my first attempt ended in me having a full-blown panic attack.

And then came the college enrollment. Due to the circumstances beforehand, I did not go through my original plan of applying to my dream university—the University of the Philippines Baguio. In fact, I was hesitant to even continue my studies. Don't get me wrong, I love studying. But I was too exhausted from battling my mental dilemma. Back then, my parents were still glued to the idea of how time is of the essence. They were asking me about my college plans which at the time, my plans were nonexistent. They asked me what programs I was considering. I told them I still wanted to take psychology. But my mom was overly against it, and we would constantly have arguments. It was a back and forth of what jobs would it get me and how I could take it as a second degree instead, etc. I'm not sure if I explained to her then that I didn't want to take Psychology for the fun of it and that I wanted to be a doctor. I think I did. Nevertheless, she wouldn't hear me out. So then, I told her about the other programs I thought of which was Multimedia Arts and Information Technology. She printed out a list of schools that offered the former but all of them were either finished with their enrollment period or the tuition fee was too expensive. I also looked for those that were offering IT, but some were not really that good in terms of their curriculum and the others were of the same reason with MMA.

That's where Architecture came in. In 12th grade, I briefly worked in a construction company for my Immersion subject. The owners are a family friend of ours and they taught us the ins and outs of the industry. Not going to lie, it was a delight. I loved the technicalities within the job and for some time, I saw myself actually pursuing the field. But I did not really fall in love with it, I just love the idea. I still prefer helping people overcome unseen illnesses and understanding more about the human mind. However, it was the only program I at least found tolerable that was mostly available in state universities.

I took an exam with one university; I did not try to apply for more. I just wanted it to be over. I want them to get off my back. Fortunately, I got in. During the interview process, the dean told me that the program was nearly full and filled with applicants and the chances of me getting accepted was low. She asked me what I had that will make me stand out among the others. I don't recall my answer to that, I just remember trying my best to stay alive for that time being. I think I answered along the lines of having a background within the field and all that. Then she started browsing my credentials and exam results, and she asked more questions like am I capable of handling pressure, etc. I half-heartedly answered all of that. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that I wouldn't get accepted so I could be sent to the psychology program since it was my second choice in the form. At the same time, I was trying hard to answer well to be accepted and please my mom. Can you imagine how much I wanted to die in that moment?

After the interview process, a drawing assessment was also required. While doing so, I did not know what to pray for. I want my mom to be happy, but I also want the program I want. God must've been confused about how to answer her feeble daughter. Hence, I took my sweet time to finish that drawing. My perfectionist ass won't let me get up anyway. I was also thinking of just ditching the whole interview, but then where would I live if my mom throws me out? The stress was too much. Even as I'm writing this and trying to remember the events of that day, it is stressing me out. Like how did I not jump off a bridge or something?

Anyway, long story short, I got accepted anyway. My hopes and dreams of pursuing psychology were crushed that day. I'm still curious as to how I made it home alive.

You know the sad part? I did not even last for a semester. I was gone after the midterms. I was too depressed to go back. I locked myself in my room. I had a hard time speaking with anyone. When my mom asked me why I stopped going to school, I simply told her that I didn't like the course. That short sentence even took me a great deal of strength to say. It wasn't even true. I do like the course. Like I said earlier, I like the technicalities. Even if it wasn't as fascinating as psychology, I still find it interesting. My classmates were fun to be with. I had no problem with the facility. My problem was more of a personal one which included the stressors in my life, imposter syndrome, and apparently, I have ADHD and OCD—that I would not be aware of until two years later.

At that time, I didn't know that I was suffering from those. I was only sure of having depression and anxiety as the physical symptoms were obvious. It was a constant battle in my brain. Every day was a bloodbath in my whole system. I wake up, I dress up, I walk to the jeepney stop, I watch people struggle to get on jeeps while I just stand there watching them because I fear that I might get a full-blown panic attack with that much crowd. I remember one of my friends being in awe while she watched me nonchalantly watching commuters fight for their lives to get on. Look, I was mentally exhausted. I was not risking being an anxious mess and bothering all these people trying to make a living. Plus, I had a long-ass T-square with me that I was afraid of getting broken in half from all the pushing. I usually ride habals or book Angkas when I feel like it's taking too long for the crowd to lessen.

Every drafting work was taking a life off me. Every mistake was killing me. I can still see the look my professor gave me while we were doing an activity in freehand drawing. I felt the judgment and amusement as he silently watched the way I drew. It made me feel small and insecure. My mind started planting doubts in my stupid brain. I started comparing myself with my peers. Suddenly, I didn't want to be there. I wanted to hide. Do I really have what it takes to be one of the best architects out there? What if I design a building poorly and people would be in danger because of me? Was I doing too much? Was I not doing enough? I didn't think I should be there at all even if my friends from that program told me otherwise.

Fortunately, like a blessing in disguise, the pandemic started when I left. Nothing changed; I still refused to leave my room, and I had a hard time speaking. The only time my family would see me is when I had to pee or poo. And yes, I did not eat. It helped that I wasn’t expected to run errands since we weren’t allowed to go out anyway. However, my parents didn’t think that what I was experiencing was serious. I remember being pulled from my bed; mind you it was a bunk bed, and I was at the top bunk. I resisted; I didn’t care if I got bruises. I didn’t want to see anyone; I didn’t want to speak. All that came out of my mouth was, “Ayaw ko. Ayaw ko,” while crying from frustration and despair. I think that’s when it hit them. After that, they didn’t force me to go out anymore. I also broke up with my ex of two years since he’s one of the stressors that made me hurt myself from time to time. That’s when I gradually started getting better. Saying that I was relieved is an understatement. It felt like I was exorcised.

Fast forward to about a year and a half later, I got a bit better. I gradually began to speak and be my old self. However, it never felt right. It always felt like I was floating. It was like I wasn’t there. But I wanted to get better. I wanted to continue my studies. I didn't want to be stuck crying and praying I was dead every single day. So, despite what I felt, I tried my best to look into programs and colleges that I could enroll in. My mom became more lenient with my choices this time around, but she was still skeptical about the whole psychology thing. I got in on the same train eventually. That’s why I decided to take Multimedia Arts instead.

I wanted to be able to do everything—design, illustrate, animate, photograph, produce music and films, direct movies, write screenplays, and publish my own books. I forgot to consider my initial dilemma with my first take on arts. Back then, I wasn’t that much aware of how intense imposter syndrome has on me. I only assumed that I have a very low self-esteem. I was doing well at first, but eventually, it took a toll on me. Hence, my parents decided to let me see a psychiatrist. I have multiple diagnoses, but I was mostly treated for my depression and anxiety. I was also monitored by the school’s guidance counselors.

I tried.

I really tried.

I’m still trying.

I decided to transfer school, again. This time, I hope to finally take my dream program. Rather than staying in my hometown, I decided to go back to my original plan—to study in Baguio City. But God has other plans. While I did get to study here in Baguio, I wasn’t accepted in psychology. I was devastated, but also, I was too numb to feel anything. I wanted to defend myself while the dean told me I couldn’t be accepted due to my poor standing with my previous program. I wanted to tell her that my illnesses are not limitations, rather it gives me the capability to understand and empathize with people more. But I didn’t. She had a point—it was a board program, and my recent standing reflects my wobbly mental state. I was stunned.

Nevertheless, it didn’t stop me from wanting to continue my studies. She told me I should find a plan B. So, now, I’m studying Music. I really keep coming back to arts no matter what, do I? Anyway, while I was there, I heard their choir singing. It reminded me of the joy I had back in my high school years. Upon looking at the courses they offered, I noticed nothing really grabbed my attention. Thus, I am here.

I won’t be telling you my plans for the future. I just wanted to relay how I got here. And if a first-year student would be reading this, I just want to tell you:

Your journey is your journey. Not one is the same. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Never compare yourself. It’ll be hard, but it’s going to be alright. Just do your best. If you think your best is not enough, then think again. Most importantly, don’t forget to ask for help. You’ll need it here.

[runnersnz]

“So what's my WHY when it comes to running? Well it's definitely evolved over the years to a point where it is now a key part of my identity, my passion and my life.

I was a nerd as a school-kid. Straight A-student, but not sporty at all. I was always jealous of the athletic types and their popularity. Fast forward to university and I continued to study hard, but party harder, and by the time I finished my degree in London, I was very unfit, smoking, drinking too much, and eating poorly. Then I went out to watch the London Marathon one day and I was blown away by the determination shown on the faces of the athletes, all running for different reasons, but united in their goal, and the support to propel them was awe-inspiring. A seed was sown and a few years later, it came up in a conversation with my old man. I made a throwaway comment about how cool it would be to run it one day. In his 50s at the time, and willing to call my bluff, he threw down the challenge - "Well if you're in, I'll do it with you". The gauntlet was laid down. We got charity fundraising entries (failing in the lottery) and spent the next 6 months training for the 2007 London Marathon. The day came - I went out like a hare and crashed and burned by mile 20. He went out like a (smarter) tortoise and caught me close to the finish line. That was a special day.

After moving to NZ, I continued road running for many years, mainly as a commute to stay fit, but also did several 10ks, halfs and marathons again. In my 40th year, I set myself the challenge of 4 marathons in a year, and ticked off Hawkes Bay, Wellington, Dunedin and Queenstown. But injuries kept coming back and I was getting slower and losing interest against the pressure to get faster. Then a friend at work suggested I try an XTERRA race at Makara West Wind. It was brutal, but I loved it. The goal was no longer to finish in front of others, it was about supporting each other to get to that finish line, to revel in the amazing scenery we ran through, and to make new friends. I'd found my passion.

From there, I soon signed up to the full series, exploring all these cool trails on my doorstep I had no idea existed. On one of the races, I overheard someone talking about WUU2K. Two days later I was signed up. Then it was Taupo 50k, then Tarawera 102k, Old Ghost Ultra, the list goes on. But the races weren't the end goal - they were just the celebration of the journey, which was all about exploring as many trails as I could, soaking it all in. Yes it was training, but wasn't an effort like it used to be. I discovered the Wild Things trail directory which changed my life in that exploration aspect. And I found my tribe in WoRM - a collection of simply amazing human beings, who love running in beautiful places, and don't mind the odd beer or two afterwards!    

I haven't slowed down since, ticking off lots of amazing events, exploring further afield in wild places like the Tararuas, and going further and further each year, the pinnacle being the summer just gone where I completed the Tarawera Miler then Ring of Fire, and a few of us have just done 3 of the Great Walks in 5 days.

I don't know how long I will be able to continue, but trail running has made me, at 45, fitter than I've ever been, not just in mind but in spirit too. It takes a lot of mental stamina to complete an ultra and the strength that's given me helps me in other facets of my life. As someone with very much a "carpe diem" mentality, I intend to keep exploring, and be grateful for each day I am able to run and do so in a safe and beautiful country with a wonderful community alongside me!”

Joe @infinity_runner_ (Kepler/Wellington) - Portraits of Runners + their stories @RunnersNZ

[runthepockets]

I watched Eighth Grade with the guy once and he got super suspicious of the scene where the little girl is in the car with the high school boy and he starts trying to pressure her for sex, cus "how would a man know what that's like unless he did it himself." We talked about Satoshi Kon's Perfect Blue and he was legitimately blown away by Kon's depiction of a woman publicly spiraling into DID/Psychosis because it was such an accurate portrayal of ~universal womanhood~, he thought every guy who didn't like Ladybird was a misogynist who was simply too stupid to understand the (checks notes) unique and universal female experience of being a white girl from the suburbs. Saying this as a black dude who actually really liked Ladybird.

Dude was just entirely convinced that men couldn't be friends with women are read about women's experiences and make respectful and realistic art about it, dude was entirely convinced men couldn't relate to women, dude was entirely convinced that men just...couldn't dislike art about women for any reason other than misogyny. He was a fucking nutcase, lacking so much self awareness that he didn't realize (and tbh, probably didn't care) how much all of the shit he was saying was completely antithetical to the very feminist movement he claimed to advocate for.

Also, RE: when men say they hate women vs when women say they hate men: idk. I see a lot of these virulent manhaters taking their bullshit out on their boyfriends, doordash drivers, homeless dudes, male restaurant workers, male janitors, etc. A lot of these same chicks have taken their hang ups out on me and then turned around and used my standing up for myself out of context as proof of how ~men hate strong women~, when the reality is I'm not just going to sit there and allow myself to be disrespected just cus a mf has unresolved trauma with her fucking ex boyfriend or dad or whatever, especially cus if I did the same with the women in my life it'd immediately (and rightfully) be seen as a red flag. A lot of these women delight in harming men, it's just not the 1% of hunky rich Hollywood dudes, it's the guys you see in your day to day that no one's really going to stand up for, specifically because they're not the 1% of hunky rich Hollywood dudes.

This is why I keep saying more of you mfs need to engage with intersectional feminism cus y'all just be making shit up, just hypercompartmentalizing every human experience and living off of reactionary sentiment. It's just not right or healthy.

I used to live with a dude-- who I now recognize was a radfem-- and he loved to be like "when women say they hate men it's a defense mechanism, when men say they hate women they want to kill them". And I was just like idk I think that's a bit of a reach. Also I think both of these people are insufferable tar pits to be around, idrc how much either has been hurt by the other making weird generalizations of people because of who the are and what they were born as is fucking stupid.

[nokacchan]

BaseBall Boys Series | Stray Kids

pairing : stray kids x fem!reader (respective scenarios)

COMPLETED.

Bang Chan — Headphone Girl

Summary : Resident boy, Bang Christopher Chan meets a girl who has a huge hatred over anyone entitled as 'popular'. Even though he happens to be one, he managed to find his way into her heart.

Lee Know — Scholarship

Summary : Lee Know never took a serious interest in his studies. He had the money and the connection to make it through university without actually studying. When Lee Know got paired up with y/n l/n, the top scorer as per his mother's request, the two found themselves in a conflict. How would the problem end?

Seo Chang Bin — More Than

Summary : Everyone in university knows who his girl best friend is. They had been friends since childhood. When Chang Bin starts dating someone else, he realizes how distanced his girl best friend got. He never understood why until his own teammates dropped the bomb on him. He just needed more than a hint to open his eyes.

Hwang Hyunjin — Eyes On You

Summary : Even hyunjin himself lost count of the number of girls he had kissed. When Hyunjin found himself in trouble with one of his crazy ex-girlfriends, he sought to get a fake girlfriend. One girl in particular who hyunjin had his eyes on was definitely not interested in his offer. After much persuasion, she agreed. Their fake relationship sure did turn into a real one unexpectedly.

Han Jisung — You're Not Bad

Summary : The hyperactive han jisung was definitely the easiest person to get along with. One day he accidentally bumps into the school bad girl who immediately cursed at him. It caught him in surprise. As usual, he obviously wanted to be friends with the so-called 'bad' girl. It was difficult at first but definitely worth it when he finally gained her trust.

Lee Felix — “So What”

Summary: he broke up with you on the last day of high school before moving across the country. 2 years later, you found yourself in the same university as him. Let's just say Felix's heart still beats for you

Kim Seungmin — I Like U

Summary : The puppy-like Kim Seungmin has everyone's hearts blown away. When he saw a girl getting bullied in the cafeteria for the first time ever, he felt his heart torn into pieces. Immediately covering the girl with his jacket before the bully could even drench her in milk. Everyone was surprised to see him helping the girl out but what they didn't know was that the girl they were bullying was someone who meant a lot to him. Even though she decided to break their friendship without any reason, his little crush on her never stopped.

Yang Jeongin — Always

Summary : He has always been there by your side. His feelings for you never fated. Oblivious was something his friends liked to call the two of you but you both never understood. Even during his university years, he had never found the guts to confess his feelings towards you. Well that changed when you tried to set him up with another girl, your classmate who had a crush on him to get rid of your feelings for him however jeongin had a different thing in mind when he found out why you tried to set him up on a date.

[jeskoholic]

A Little Piece of You Chapter 11: Truth Among Lies

This is a chapter from an on-going series. If you missed out on the previous entries, you can check my masterlist.

Previous Chapter: Sizzling Hot

Word count: 4,007

Tags: M OC x (G) I-DLE Soyeon, University, Angst, Struggle (?)

Enjoy!

Getting my top blown off in front of my newfound friends was possibly one of the worst things I could do, and in just one lunch break I did exactly that. I was so numb and triggered at everything that escaped Hongseok’s mouth that I just flat out lost all sense of self-control and got angry at him. Now that I look back at it, I felt so stupid doing that. I never should have let him get to my head because I know that he’s just trying to find an answer from me regardless of how stupid it was, and I did all of that in front of Ningning too. It would have been better if it were either Kyungsoo, Dawn, Shinwon, Kino, or even Soyeon that saw me emotional like that… allowing myself to crumble apart in front of them two was absurd. I felt so disappointed with myself.

I should have just let it slide. Remembering things that happened during high school and associating them with the things that are happening now is not the most optimal way to go. It’s worse when my past traumas are starting to affect the way I look at things in the present. The end result was Ningning chose to be the driver by introducing a different topic, yet I could tell that they were being careful about their words around me. I hope that they didn’t think of me differently; this was even the first time I am spending time with Hongseok and now I blew it on the first chance I ever got. He was even nice enough to order and pay for my shake…

No matter how much I try to keep myself away from the thought of what happened, I cannot deny though that Hongseok had a valid point in his query. Maybe I was just overthinking about things. I was so busy on proving my point to him that what I thought was actually the right thing. My pride was being stepped on and my first action was to retaliate, which is so stupid and borderline childish.

I spent the afternoon away from them for the best interests of everyone else. I would go far as to say that I temporarily separated my links from them and went to the place that I deem would seclude me from each and every single one of them: the university library. I was sure that not even a single one of them would think to go up there. At least, I could have a couple of minutes to myself while I reflect on my actions; at the same time attempting to keep the issue down. However, as I sat down and wait for the hours to pass, I could still hear the thoughts swirling in my head. It was like I was debating against an invisible Hongseok as I attempt to keep my point across.

I still don’t understand why I should really do things in response to Soyeon’s advances. I just don’t get it. I would feel like if I would do that, I’ll unintentionally force myself onto a situation, a relationship, which I didn’t even want in the beginning. Soyeon’s no doubt a talented and amazing person not to mention beautiful, but I can’t deny that she has her traits that are not… compatible with me, exactly. Seeing red flags like that are things that I do not want to blatantly ignore just because of her reputation. In the end, I would be in a relationship with her heart and not her face or her fame. The fact that she’s a part of this newfound ‘squad’ enticed another series of fears in my head because either way, it was a loss either way. If I chose what I believe was right, or if I choose a decision favourable to her and it would not work out, I might cause an unintentional rift at the group.

Hongseok’s point, on the other hand, felt like a very childish reason and I never was a fan on why he even brought that to the table. I should not let Soyeon go because it’s like a huge privilege to have someone like her develop feelings for me? Does Hongseok think that I’m not worthy of someone with such a huge calibre such as Jeon Soyeon, so I should be flattered that she even confessed that she likes me?

But then again; I can’t blame him because he can only judge us by the surface level. Hongseok, or even the rest of the friend group, had no idea what was going behind the scenes. Soyeon proved herself in many ways that she indeed had feelings for me, but would say that being too erotic is not the love language that I was seeking. I would be a hypocrite if I would not admit that I liked it, but on that level of intimacy, I would have wanted if it was under different circumstances.

I guess it was the one thing that was holding me back against her. Soyeon felt too liberated and open and I’m being too culture shocked with what I’m seeing and experiencing.

Although, I cannot pretend that I’m that much innocent as well. I experience too much skinship from before, on a person I would not even deem thinkable at this day and age.

Maybe it was the reason why I was afraid. I don’t want another relationship to stray close enough or develop into something similar to what happened during the past. From the likes of it, it feels like that’s where Soyeon and I were bound to head to. It might be overthinking like what Hongseok said, but the odds are too much to that direction that I could not just ignore it. The odds were pretty much not on my favour for this one.

I guess… I guess Soyeon had something similar to my past girlfriend… to my first love, if I will. The way that that relationship ended was not exactly pleasant, and maybe it’s the reason why I’m being too protective to myself. I don’t want to get damaged further than how damaged I was before.

Regardless, I think I’m already too old to be dealing with just a fling. I needed to be certain and I need to be arbitrarily serious. At this point with Soyeon, I can definitely say that I’m not.

I could no longer handle the impending anxiety that I was having from within, and so I went off and set my phone to a silent alarm for a few hours, ending on a couple of minutes before my final class with Shinwon even begins. I didn’t even realize that with too much emotion surging with me since that encounter earlier this day, I was still sleep deprived because of that excursion with Soyeon. Somehow exhaustion has caught up to me and now, even with all the delays from home and from this afternoon, I can finally let myself rest and hopefully cancel the stupid mood swing that I have been experiencing even before I share the class with Ko Shinwon.

---4:34 PM, AT THE SCHOOL���S FOUNTAIN---

Yoon Jae-in had woken up to his alarm ten minutes ago and managed to get his face fixed up before the class even begins. He found himself sitting on the small fountain area at the heart of the university, and it was this huge, circular work of water that had concrete benches surrounding its perimeter. It was most commonly known by the students of the university as a past-time place, which is exactly why he was seated there waiting for 5 PM among other students who were perhaps doing the exact same thing.

In Jae-in’s head, it felt like almost every student of North Line had a universal agreement that the watching the waters flow on the fountain and the nearby man-made water fall somehow eases the mind, regardless of the source for stress. It did nothing to help solve the predicament, but it sure did help take the mind off of things even for just a little bit.

Jae-in, however, could only wish that he had brought something to serve music privately to his ears. It would have made the moment infinitely better than it already was. After all, he successfully flushed the encounter the whole Hongseok situation out of his system already, and the small incorporation of even just a couple more hours of sleep eased up his mood to more manageable levels. Somehow electing to isolate him from the other members of the friend group, especially Ningning and Hongseok, helped a lot. Soyeon could have been contacting him at that time but he was too busy with himself to even consider how she was doing.

The approaching twilight was right in the ever-orange skies from above. The time was almost five PM, and almost time for the start of drafting class. Jae-in had just finished gathering his thoughts together and moved to head to the laboratory upstairs when he was approached by a familiar figure coming from the fountain’s right pathway.

A tall and slender frame, hair styled in the usual soft perm, bomber jacket and slim jeans marked the arrival of his classmate and close friend, Ko Shinwon, walking with a huge smirk on his face with a small, pink file case clamped on his grasp. He gave Jae-in a soft wave before proceeding to sit on the space nearby, earning a look of surprise from Yoon Jae-in.

“I had a feeling that you’d be here,” the tall, young man said. “Years of being your friend actually paid off for me now, Jae-in.”

“Why are you positioned like that? Are you not planning to go to class today? It would be waste, considering how close we are already. It’s just up there.”

“Wait, you don’t know? Mr Hwang actually announced something at the university website. He said we can have the day off but made sure to give us something to work on. It’s not due until next weekend, so we have a lot of time to do it.”

“Are you serious?” Jae-in said in slight frustration before sitting beside Shinwon. “I should have gone home and went for a sleep. Staying at the library was a waste of time when I could have slept on a better bed.”

“So that’s where you’ve headed. No wonder everyone else is looking for you at the group. Plus, I think it would be a waste anyway since Mr Hwang posted the announcement thirty minutes ago. It can’t be helped man.”

“Well, at least we can go home earlier now. Do you want to head already?”

Shinwon grinned.

“The first thought was actually to head on off and smoke for the time being, but I guess seeing you here shifted my schedule for a little bit.”

“You’re planning to smoke? I thought you quit that already.”

“Well…. things take some time getting used to being gone. I’m more on… regulating it, if you will. Yeri particularly hates the scent especially afterwards.”

“Oh, that’s… that’s amazing. That’s good for you. It’s nice that you have someone that can help you change. Congratulations on that. I never really got to interact with Yeri, and I do actually want to meet her soon with more conversations.”

Shinwon nodded and then proceeded to shift his position on the bench.

“Actually… I’ll have to cut to the chase. I could easily have gone home but I actually am looking for you. I think that we need to talk.”

“Whoa, that sounded so damn serious all of a sudden,” Jae-in said as he sat beside him. “Are you okay? Is this about Yeri?”

“Well, you know… Jae-in,” he said as he placed his arm on Jae-in’s shoulder as a form of brotherly consignment. “I… I know it may sound nosy of me, but what else is new… I knew about what happened earlier. You and Hongseok had some argument right? It didn’t exactly turn out good, am I correct?”

If anything, Jae-in was not really surprised that he knew. He was more bewildered by the fact that Shinwon was actually the one who went out and talked to him for that as it would usually come the other way around. He was initially expecting the confrontation to not come sooner, and to actually come from Kyungsoo being the ‘introducer’.

“Oh… well I didn’t really … it was not really an argument it’s more of me losing control over my emotions because I’m stupid. I don’t think I can even look straight at Hongseok again after that.”

“Don’t worry man… I’m sure he understands. I was surprised that you’d turn like that in front of Ningning and Hongseok, though. It must have been really serious. They said that it got too intense that Ningning just changed the topic to keep things under control.”

“I’m… I’m glad that she did actually. How did you find out, by the way? Was I too hard that it scattered to the group already?”

“Well no… Ningning knew that we were classmates for the final subject of the day. She was the one who personally asked me to check on you and called it as a favour. She’s really concerned for you, you know.”

Silence broke up between both of them. Jae-in pondered from within him how much Ningning had done for him that day, while Shinwon fell silent because he had no idea what to say afterwards.

“Anyway,” Shinwon continued. “Is it okay for me to ask you what happened? What really ticked you off?”

Jae-in sighed and gathered his courage before venting his frustrations.

“If anything… the argument mostly revolved with my issues. Bottom line is… I really don’t think that I’m ready to get into a relationship just yet, especially on the whole Soyeon situation. The reason why I was so persistent on insisting my point towards Hongseok was because I’m starting to feel pressured with Soyeon’s advances. I can’t do anything to her in return because… I don’t want to keep her hopes up. However, if I would not do anything as well, she’d just think that we’re waiting for something to come yet in the end, there was really nothing. At this point, I just could not keep up that I feel like I’m mentally exhausted keeping whatever was between us up in the air.”

“So what was Hongseok insisting?” Shinwon asked.

“Hongseok kept on telling me that I should give Soyeon a chance. Compared to myself, she’s more likely to get people attracted to her. For Hongseok, it was absurd that I am not even jumping at the first chance of being her guy. I mean, technically speaking, he’s not wrong. Soyeon’s really pretty and not to mention famous, and she has a long line of guys willing to be her boyfriend. She’s right there, waiting for the perfect opportunity to be with me and yet I can’t bring myself to see that we can actually be together. I guess I was just too taken aback when she actually confessed and claimed that she meant it.”

“Does she, though? Keep in mind that she was drunk when she confessed to you. You and I know how she is when she’s drunk, right Jae-in? I would not exactly advise someone to believe what escapes her lips when she’s hazed with alcohol. I know that she’s my friend, but you are too. I’m trying to show you the bigger picture when it comes to Soyeon. Plus, I know her longer before you did, so there’s that.”

“Well if she wasn’t serious with it she wouldn’t have wasted her time talking to me and doing all those advances towards me right? If she wasn’t serious she had all the chances to back out but there she was, still persistent.  There are a lot of things that are happening behind the scenes, man. Some are stuff that I do not even want to disclose because it’s too much. With regards to Soyeon, it kinda feels like she’s the one trying to woo me to be honest.”

“That’s fair if you actually feel like the girl. But if that’s the case why argue with Hongseok? What’s holding you back from actually trying your chances with Soyeon?”

Jae-in fell silent and merely stared at the flowing waters of the fountain before him. He knew precisely the answer, yet there was a little bit of a hesitation from his part.

“I… I just dislike the idea that I’m supposed to act back just because she’s doing something you know. That is what I think Hongseok was implying, but to me that is just borderline uncomfortable. That was the fire that ignited my irritation among other things. Sure, I was lacking sleep and all that, but even Hongseok or Ningning had no idea that I have that tendency. I don’t know what else I should tell her. If I’m going to act, I want to do it because I was the one who wanted it, not because the situation is warranting me to do it. Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m making this too much of a big deal. I might just be overthinking because I don’t want to make a move just yet… In light of recent events, I just felt that I was a bit pressured that I can’t keep up and maintain things.”

Shinwon nodded as an awkward silence passed between them both once again. Some of the students that were on the fountain with them have now gone to their respective ways.

“Jae-in… I want to ask you a question. I want you to answer it as solidly and as truthfully as you ever could. Give me a quick answer, and I would encourage you to not even think about it that much. I want an answer from the heart, not from the head; you good with that?”

Why do I get the feeling that I know what he’s about to ask me?

“Go on then. I’ll give you what you want.”

“Do you even like Soyeon?”

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“No,” Jae-in mouthed. It was an odd feeling having to admit to it and say it to someone else, once and for all. “I thought I did, but I could not rule out the fact that we were both influence by alcohol when the confessions happened. I think I acted immediately with the situation presented without giving it a fair bit of thought. Now, I can’t put all my eggs in the basket because my heart was never in the basket in the first place.”

“I knew it,” Shinwon said with a nod. “I think I can see why that’s the case.”

“You knew…? How can you say so?”

“Well, I have been your friend ever since we ever stepped foot on our high school, Jae-in. You were the first person that I ever talked to, so our friendship is anchored way back. It goes to say that I have discovered a lot about you during then and in turn, I know how you act to certain degrees. I, for one, know that you are a very ‘all-in’ kind of person. I always got that impression about you. You don’t usually head in first without a thought, but when you do, you make sure that you give more than a hundred per cent. Once you go in, you go in REALLY HARD. I guess that is the reason why you fell so badly when… when you and your high school girlfriend fell apart in the worse possible way ever. Somehow I had a hunch that you and Soyeon would not work out in the long run even if you pursued it because it didn’t feel right.”

“You think so too?”

“Well... yeah. Some things really do ring a bell. Having that too light-spirited of a woman with you is not really your type, as you mentioned before. I kept my mouth shut because I thought that it would end in a couple of days after that, like it was just a one-night deal kind of thing. When things started to get serious, when you two were holding hands together and all that, I got really concerned; my gut was telling me that soon, you’d get tired of her habits given how opposite her interests are with yours.”

I… I was thinking of the same thing. Shinwon, despite teasing me of Soyeon during the past, secretly had a gut feeling that something was wrong. That’s damn good friendship right there.

“I found it funny actually that you feel like the girl between the both of you, because you actually are. Think about it: she’s more outgoing, has more bad habits, and was more of a happy-go –lucky liberated person and here you are, reserved, more composed, and even conservative. You’re like a text-book reserved woman, a maiden, and I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing just because you’re a guy. It actually makes you unique and it separates you from the louder ones.”

“Hey I have my bad habits too don’t discredit that.”

“Yeah but there are things she does that you don’t, right? You haven’t been to a club before, right Jae-in?”

He nodded silently.

“Do you even want to go to a club?”

He shook his head.

“I told you so. In my opinion, that already says a lot. It also helps that you’re the one being pursued.”

Silence, once more.

“Jae-in… you’re a very emotional person. I think you already knew that. You’re probably the softest, most kind-hearted person in our entire friend group, which is why you’re sometimes getting trampled on by people who have a higher social score than you. I would include myself in that. Regardless, what I’m trying to say is that… listen to what your heart is telling you. Set aside the courtesy you’re reserving for Soyeon and reserve that for yourself, because if you really don’t like her, it’s better to end it now that in the long run. It would be easier for both of you and she would soon understand.”

“You’re… you’re right… I should have thought of this sooner. I was so naïve that maybe I’ll have a reason to… to pull it off. I should have done it earlier.”

“Come on… you don’t need one shit bag like me to tell you what to do now, right? You’re freaking Yoon Jae-in!”

“You did well to make me remember it. Thank you. I promise that one of these days, I’ll have to atone for my responsibilities. I’ll tell Soyeon the truth and face whatever goes after it. I have a feeling that it would not be pretty.”

Shinwon tapped his shoulder as a brotherly gesture.

“That’s the spirit, mate. I’ll be supporting you until the very end. Whatever happens, know that I’m by your side than Soyeon’s. In this instance, I know that you’re doing the right thing.”

 “I will. I’ll do that for the sake of everyone as well.”

Shinwon finally stood up and gave some stretching. Jae-in followed suit, but before they could both even walk out of the fountain’s premises, he was stopped once again by the voice of the taller Shinwon.

“You know what, regardless if what happens, we’ll be here in case you’re in for a drink. I’d rather share a table with you because you chose to do what’s right than to lull in a depressing drinking session because Soyeon broke your heart. Don’t let what happened to you in high school happen again with Soyeon, okay?”

“What do you mean? What does high school have to do with this?”

“All I’m saying is: be careful. You don’t want this whole Soyeon situation to turn into another Wonyoung now, do you?”

[epigstolary]

Just A Number

“You’re too young to be so fat” is something you’ve heard all your life. From your youth spent snacking in front of the tv, to your high school years indulging at restaurants or the mall, to your college years eating late-night pizza and junk in your dorm room, you’ve always been big enough to get that comment out of people. Parents, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends have all watched your advancing waistline with alarm, worrying about the fact that — no matter how big you had been when they last saw you — you were always bigger the next time.

And so they’d express their worry to you. These are the best years of your life, they’d say — you should be getting out and enjoying them, not sitting on the sidelines stuffing your face. Someone your age shouldn’t have trouble finding clothes that fit, or such a hard time making it up a flight of stairs that you have to stop halfway. You needed to try and watch the weight a little. Sometimes you wonder how things would have turned out if you had followed their advice.

But you didn’t. And so, you waddled across the stage at graduation and into a young adulthood that freed you from even the limited structure of university life. You landed some regular freelance work that paid the bills and let you work entirely from home. And you kept gorging yourself on whatever delicious food you wanted, whenever you wanted it. There was nobody to tell you what time meals were supposed to be, nobody to question your incessant snacking. While other people your age were going out with their friends, traveling to exotic places, partying, and living their lives, you were home by yourself most of the time. Craving. Consuming. Expanding.

With total freedom from a schedule and your last reason for even limited physical activity gone, the creeping tide of weight gain over the past few years turned into a flood. The snacking, meals, grocery deliveries, and takeout orders became constant. You would look like a completely different person to someone who had gone a couple months without seeing you, packing on fifty pounds or more from season to season. Eventually, your friends and family gave up on trying to save you from what was increasingly looking like an unstoppable force, propelling you faster and faster toward destroying yourself.

I suppose for normal people, there’s never an age where it’s expected someone will be too fat to leave the house. But it’s your mid-20s, and here you are. You spend eighteen hours a day on the couch, pinned beneath a flowing belly the size of a bean bag chair and two bulbous titties connecting to the massive rolls of fat under your arms. Laptop perched atop your wobbling stomach, you try to type with sausage fingers you’re even starting to have trouble bending, taking breaks every few minutes to rest your bloated arms.

As they fall to your sides, the fat on your biceps — bigger around than a healthy adult’s waist — puckers, flowing over the layers of rolls bulging from your abdomen. Your forearm fat shifts down toward your hands, making an impressive roll around your pudgy wrist. You try and shift a little to get more comfortable, wiggling your tremendous butt and shapeless legs around to try and resettle yourself. As you take up most of the couch now, there’s not much room to change positions. Instead, you stretch, wiggling the toes peeking out from the distended blobs of fat, now hundreds of pounds in their own right, that pass for your legs.

Shocking as those legs are, they can still support you during your labored, stumbling trips to the front door a couple times a day. Here, you collect the tens of thousands of calories you have to put away to keep you in this lard prison you’ve built for yourself. But you don’t think of it that way. You see it as a treat. After all, you just did a full-body workout lumbering to the door and back; why shouldn’t you reward yourself for keeping up with your fitness?

Except that nobody’s fooled by what’s going on here — not even you, on those rare occasions when the delusion lifts and you get a lucid look at your situation. There’s nothing normal about a twentysomething eating themself to the size of a California king mattress. There’s no excuse for being too heavy to waddle out your front door, ignoring whether you could even still squeeze your outrageous bulk through it. And all those admirers on the internet — talking about how sexy you look, how much they want to feed you, how they’d love to see you even bigger — are all really thinking the same thing.

They would push you to your limit if they had half a chance. Forget being able to waddle to the door; they want you so blown up with lard and full of food that you’re not rolling over without help. They want you a wheezing, blubbery mess with so many rolls, folds, blobs, and bulges covering your body that you’re almost unrecognizable as a person. They want to see you reaching pathetically across your expanse of fat, trying to get the feeding tube that’s slipped away from you, and looking at them pleadingly for help to restore the sickening flow of calories into your ruined body. They want you to end your twenties as a fat cow, insatiably feeding and alarmingly obese, eating yourself to death.

And they’d probably tease you by telling you about their day out of the house, and all the things that they got to do that a half-ton bariatric patient like you can never hope to do again. Fit in a car. Go shopping, mobility scooter or not. Literally just be outside without having countless amazed stares and snarky comments from all the people, shocked at seeing someone in their twenties who already weighs as much as five or six people. Shame those are off the table for you, they’d say; guess you better eat some more to make yourself feel better.

You’re not quite that big — not yet, at least. Your weight may be wildly out of control compared to most people your age, but even so it takes some time for those bad eating habits to reach critical mass. Give it a few years, though. Even if you manage to get a handle on your rapid expansion, there’s no chance you’re losing any weight. You’re too used to living this way to give it up. That number on the scale will keep creeping up, slowly but surely. You’ll be reminded of your inevitable fate by how your clothes feel like they’re slowly constricting, squeezing your belly and rolls tighter and tighter; how it feels like someone’s turning up gravity on you a little every day. But you can’t pin this on your clothes or the laws of physics. You only have yourself, and your gluttony, to blame.

You didn’t get this big, this fast, without wanting to on some level. And as long as that something is there, driving you, you won’t be stopping. So make peace with the fact that you have just a few more years, at most, before you’re too big to be anything but someone’s fantasy feedee. You may as well have another bite, another helping, another meal. Because age — and weight — is just a number, right?

[resident-dumb-fuck]

one second i wrote a talk on spermaceti for a school thing one time. let me get that real quick.

spermaceti!!! (+sperm whales) (+a couple tangents)

found in the head of sperm whales

thought to be for navigation or used as a diving weight

(it's liquid at room temperature but when it gets cold it solidifies. at depths this could allow the sperm whale to go down and stay down)

whalebone does not come from sperm whales: whalebone is baleen, which sperm whales do not have due to the fact that they are toothed whales.

whalebone typically comes from right whales because most baleen whales sink when they die but right whales don't so it's just easier to get baleen from them

sperm whales have teeth but only bottom teeth. on the top they have weird sockets. not entirely clear why.

sperm whales began being hunted in 1712 (at least in america) because a certain Captain. uh. Hussey? I Think His Name Was? could be misremembering. got blown out to sea from off nantucket in a storm and found sperm whales and was like "wow this produces much better oil"

spermaceti was used in automotive transmissions but has since been replaced by jojoba oil

fun fact! if you stab a whale it gets real angry and thrashes around! if you are attached to this whale by a rope and in a small boat you are on something called a "nantucket sleigh ride"

told my history teacher the words "nantucket sleigh ride" when he was asking for things in history related to momentum and he said something along the lines of "oh did you do that when you went there" and i was like. "sir this is what happens when you stab a whale and it gets angry and tries to kill you. also do i LOOK like ive ever been to the island where rich people have their summer homes."

i would love to go to nantucket whaling musem. new bedford whaling musem my beloved

anyway back to spermaceti

once you kill the whale (by waiting until it tires itself out and then stabbing the shit out of it until it spouts blood) you haul it back to ship, cut a hole in its head, and then tell the resident fourteen year old boy (cabin boy) or shortest person on the crew to Get in the Whale. you can literally ladle out spermaceti (liquid at room temperature)

spermaceti called spermaceti because when exposed to air it becomes a waxy, white substance.

people thought it looked like cum/was sperm whale cum

the victorians used what they thought was sperm whale cum to power most of the stuff in their lives

spermaceti highest quality oil in a sperm whale, but not only type of oil

if you take the blubber and boil it it makes lower quality oil but still salable oil

only reason we know about colossal squid is because of sperm whales

sperm whales sleep pointing up. like their head is pointing towards the surface of the water

they are just goofy little guys

anyway NOAA i love you

(sources: britannica, washington university article on spermaceti/jojoba oil in automotive transmissions, noaa page for sperm whales, in the heart of the sea by nathaniel philbrick, youtube video from youtube channel "real science" called "The Insane Biology Of: The Sperm Whale")

Sea creatures are SO COOL wtf

Tell me all the facts

(Proceeds to research for 10 hours straight)

[lazydoodlesandfanfic]

Change (Matt Murdock X Son!Reader)

Characters: Matt Murdock X Son!Reader

Universe: Marvel, Avengers

Warnings: Mention of injury and arguing

Request: Okay so I like to request GN/male!reader X father!Matt Murdock where they goof around, maybe even with uncle foggy and general fluff cus I need it OR one where they've a talk cus R is rlly scared Matt is gonna die one day if he continue pursuing daredevil, but at the same time R understand that he won't stop so R has kinda given up talking him out and in the end we r left with lingering feeling of despair about this unresolved problem. Also sorry it seems like I hard choice ahah :_)

Matt had been awake since before the sun had risen, but he’d remained in bed for all that time, sat up against his bed frame, waiting to hear you waking up. 

Last night had been tense. He’d gotten home late from patrolling Hell’s Kitchen as Daredevil, and was greeted by you, his son, waiting for him. You had the medkit refilled and out and ready for him for when he got back, and you stitched him back up to the best of your ability in silence. He tried talking to you, but you never responded to him. As soon as you were finished, he tried to get you to talk to him about what made you so quiet, refusing to let it go until you had blown up on him. 

Your silent treatment was due to his nightly activities. You were scared, scared to death. Scared that he was gonna come home with permanent damage that’ll ruin his life, a fatal injury that you couldn’t treat, or that he merely wouldn’t come home at all and you’d have to hear about it on the news in the morning. He had straight up told you then and there that you had nothing to worry about, that it was stupid for you to be worried and you were thinking into it too much, but it only made you angrier, and it wasn’t long till you two were full blown yelling at each other, ending with you slamming your bedroom door in his face. 

Admittedly, Matt hadn’t slept much last night. The fight had kept him up for most of is, and just when he’d be drifting off to sleep, he’d hear you tossing and turning in the room over, presumably also struggling to sleep. In those long hours, he had very quickly realised he was in the wrong. There was no doubt about it, and he cursed himself for not validating your feelings, hearing you out, and coming up with a solution that you were both happy with. But he didn’t, and as your dad, he knew it was his responsibility to resolve this. 

Matt decided that meant taking the day off work and spending the day making sure things were resolved. He reached over to his bedside table, finding his phone, putting in Foggy’s number and letting it ring until it stopped, hearing a groan. “Matt? Why are you calling so early?” Foggy asked. 

“Sorry… I think I need to skip work today.” He admitted. Foggy sighed. 

“Sore?” 

“Yes, but that’s not the reason. I got into a fight with Y/N last night and I need to make it up to him.” 

“Jeez, what the hell did you say to him? Actually- don’t answer that, I feel like I’ll get mad at you as well. Anything you need from me?” His friend asked. 

“Um… where’s that pizza place you took him that one time when he got suspended?” Matt asked, getting out of bed to start getting ready, Foggy telling him the name and location of the restaurant, before wishing him luck, and warning him to not make it worse.

After getting dressed and ready, he went to your bedroom door and knocked. At first he didn’t hear anything, but soon he heard a huff. “I know you’re awake. Can I come in?” He asked, waiting until he heard a mumbled ‘fine’ before opening the door, stepping inside and shutting the door behind him. “Firstly, I owe you a massive apology.” 

“...No… It’s fine-”

“No it’s not.” He interjected, reaching out as he walked till he found your bed frame, using it to sit down on the bed. He wasn’t very familiar with your room since he didn’t come in here often since it was your space, the most he came in here was to make sure you were awake for school or to wish you goodnight, and even then he only stood in the doorway. He really had no idea on the details of your room except the placement of your bed and storage, and that you had posters on your wall since he had Foggy help him pick some for your birthday a while ago. “You have every right to be mad at me, and I had no right to yell at you.”

You moved yourself to sit beside him, not looking at him as you stared into your own lap. Were you still angry? Yes. You had a slither of content that he was admitting that you were right, but it was overshadowed by doubt. You doubted he was actually gonna change anything, and that just blew fresh oxygen into the mildly burning fire. “Okay, so are we gonna change things? Are you gonna at least try and be more careful?” 

“Yeah, of course I will!” He assured. 

“Will you carry your phone with you and call me often so I know you’re okay?” 

“Sure.” 

“Can you set a certain time for when you’re doing it so I know when you’ll be home?” 

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, son. Crime doesn’t have a set time.” He told you. You laughed lightly. Of course that was too much to ask… well… you guess it was a start. A small change, but still a change… you weren’t satisfied. Far from it. You knew it was selfish- Your dad was a lawyer, it was in his senses to want to help people, and he had this ability that helped him do it in a non-traditional sense, and it cost him his health and time with his son… You got it, but also you didn’t. But you were tired, you couldn’t be bothered to fight him more about this. Not after last night.

“Okay…”

“I’m sorry Y/N, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” 

“I know.” 

“How about later we go to that pizza place you like? I don’t know the way so you’ll have to show me, and in the meantime how about we go get you that backpack you want for school?” 

“Sure! I’ll get dressed and then we can go” You agreed, and Matt smiled and nodded, getting up and finding his way to your door to leave you to get dressed. When he shut the door behind him, you frowned and sighed. Nothing was gonna change, you knew you were just gonna have to learn to adapt.

Hope you like it! If you have any questions, please send them in! 

*Not my gif

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[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

Part 2 baby, I'll put these up on my ao3 soon as well so they're in one place together

-------

"Dad... you're dead."

Jack laughed. He probably shouldn't have, Danny seemed to be very genuine in his assessment, and Jack recognised that he should probably take this more seriously. But still, dead?? It was laughable.

"Come on Danny be serious." Danny's face remained stoic, "I'm not dead, I'm right here."

"You're a ghost, dad." Danny's lips were pressed tight, his entire body tense. "You died."

Jack was feeling a little ill at this point, was Danny okay? Was there a ghost messing with his head? He leaned toward Danny and grabbed his hand, it was cold, Danny's hands were always cold.

"Listen to me son, you're not talking sense, there's probably a ghost somewhere tha-"

Danny stood up fast, impossibly fast, his chair skidded behind him and toppled over.

"No! Dad can you just- how did you get to bed last night?" He asked.

Jack hadn't been expecting the question, he'd gone to bed... the usual way right? Like he always did, took a shower, brushed his teeth, got into his pyjamas, kissed his wife goodnight, although for some reason the details felt a little fuzzy.

But before he could answer Danny continued.

"When did we leave the party?"

Party? Jack's brow furrowed, oh the party! It was his 50th, how could he forget his own party, had he had that much to drink?

Oh, oh of course. He'd gotten drunk and done something stupid, said something upsetting. That's why everyone was mad at him, that's why last night was foggy.

Danny kept going, he sounded frustrated, angry, but his voice cracked a little. He was upset, oh boy Jack must have done something truly awful.

"What happened after the toast?"

The toast... He had just blown out the candles on the enormous cake Vlad had bought for him, ah that's right, Vlad had been there! He'd hired the venue, planned the whole party, it had been a surprise.

He had handed him a drink...

Danny asked another question, Jack knew it was the last, it felt heavy and final, it didn't even sound like a question.

"What's the date today."

Jack knew the date, of course he knew the date, it was the day after his birthday why wouldn't he know? He'd never been particularly good with dates but not even he could forget his own birthdate.

He glanced over to the calendar on the wall, just in case, he had a sneaking suspicion this was some kind of a trick question.

Jazz was the one to mark off the days, she used it to keep track of her assignments and her tutoring sessions. Each day would be marked with a tidy little line, not an X because they had 'a negative association with failure' or... something. He didn't really understand a lot of Jazz's ideas.

The days were marked off up to June the 18th... the 18th, it should have been the 10th. His birthday was yesterday, on the 9th, today should be the 10th.

How could he have missed a whole week? Maybe this was a joke, a way to get back at him for getting drunk and embarrassing everyone.

But this... didn't feel like a joke.

Maddie's sobs hadn't felt like a joke, Jazz's silence hadn't felt like a joke.

Danny's eyes gouged into him. Danny had always been an awkward kid, he took after Jack in that way, he was shy when he was young, always had difficulty maintaining eye contact. He had no such difficulty right now. They were so bright, had they always been so bright?

It was unsettling.

Why couldn't Jack remember what happened after the toast...

The drink had tasted strange, bitter. He never particularly liked champagne, he assumed that it was normal. Vlad had been smiling, his teeth were sharp... his eyes...

Danny's hands were clasped together tightly, his knuckles bumping against his lower lip as they shook. His gaze had shifted from Jack's face to the gravy-stained tablecloth.

"You're dead. I'm sorry, I know this is hard, I know you still feel like everything is the same but it isn't. You... you're a ghost, dad. Not the kind you're used to, you're just a haunting spirit right now, nobody can see you, nobody can hear you. You can't interact with anything, not yet."

Danny dropped his hands away from his face and looked at him sadly. Jack felt as though there was more to his expression, but he'd never been particularly good at reading people. Vlad had always been better at that sort of thing, it often felt like Vlad could speak a whole other language Jack simply couldn't understand.

Vlad... something was tickling the back of his mind but he couldn't quite grasp it, like a word on the tip of his tongue.

Vlad had given him a drink. Vlad had smiled. It looked like a real smile, but Jack felt like... there had been something more to it, Jack had never been good at reading people... Vlad had smiled, his teeth were sharp, his eyes... red, they were red.

The champagne was bitter. He could almost still taste it.

Jack jumped to his feet, startling Danny as he balled his hands into fists.

"Vlad." he growled, Danny breathed a sad sigh.

"Yeah, it was Vlad, he-"

"He was overshadowed by a ghost!" Jack roared, "It's still got him doesn't it? Mads is out there looking for-"

"No! Fuck, dad- SIT. DOWN."

Jack sat. Without thought or question. Danny's command was loud, not deafening but loud in a different way, like he'd heard it through not just his ears but his entire body. It reminded him a little of the concerts he and Maddie used to frequent back in their college days, where the music was so loud it vibrated through them, head to toe.

It took him a moment to realise he was shaking, Jack always considered himself fearless, and that was generally true, so true that he almost didn't recognise the feeling as it swept coldly over him.

Danny closed his eyes and rubbed at them in frustration, Jack was almost certain he caught a flash of vibrant green beneath his fingers.

"I'm sorry I... I didn't want to use that- I didn't mean," he sighed heavily. "You just never listen."

He was listening now, if not simply because he felt too shaken to do anything else. His thoughts rattled around trying to piece themselves together, something within him was screaming like he'd just touched a hot surface or a live wire. Danger danger danger danger.

"Vlad wasn't being overshadowed," said Danny, leaning against the kitchen bench, his body almost sagging with exhaustion. "It's... a lot more complicated than that."

"I can't be a ghost." Jack muttered, indignant, "They're monsters, they don't even look human. They don't wake up and hug their wives, they don't want to sit down and eat breakfast with their daughters."

"Not all ghosts are the same." Danny's voice was quiet, it had none of that fierce intensity like before. What was that? It wasn't normal, it definitely wasn't human. Jack glared up at him as a hot flush of rage washed over him.

"How do I know you aren't the ghost. That you haven't done... something to my family, to make them think I'm dead!" Jack growled.

He wanted to stand up, but under Danny's icy stare he felt locked into his seat. His expression was mostly blank, but Jack could see a twitch in his brow and tilt to his lips. He could see it, but he couldn't read it. Ghosts were easier to read than this, ghosts weren't usually very subtle.

"Not all ghosts are the same." Danny repeated, his voice was so quiet now, tentative and fragile.

He walked over to the sink, Jack wanted to get up, wanted to keep his eyes on Danny and the ghost that might be controlling him, but he couldn't seem to make his legs work. The command still rang in his ears. Sit. Down.

"We aren't going to get anywhere like this." Danny filled up a glass of water and placed it in front of Jack. "Pick it up."

It wasn't a command, Danny's expression had softened once more.

"Please."

Jack narrowed his eyes in suspicion, but he did as requested. He could feel the cold glass in his hand, the condensation on his fingers, but as he tried to lift it... the glass remained as it was. His hands simply slipping over it.

He tried again, and again, it wasn't as though it was slippery, or heavy, or even that he couldn't grip it. The glass felt normal, his hands felt normal, the glass just wouldn't... move.

Gritting his teeth in frustration he grabbed the glass and squeezed with all his strength, it didn't break. The water didn't even ripple.

"This is a trick..." said Jack. "It's just a trick..."

Red eyes and a bitter drink, people stood around him, faces blurred. He was falling, someone screamed.

Danny started rooting around in a nearby drawer, he pulled out a ragged newspaper cutout. The ink had run in some spots, he placed it down in front of Jack.

It was an obituary. It was his obituary. Tear stained and rough around the edges, torn from the rest of the paper instead of cut, he skimmed over it, almost unable to take it in.

Jack Jonathan Fenton... age 50... survived by his wife Maddie and two children Danny and Jazz...

There was a list of his degrees, complete and incomplete, engineering, physics, mathematics, it listed the names of his high school and university, his reputation as a local ghost hunter, a blurb about his dedication to his work and his love for his family. Jazz had written it, he could tell. She was so good with words.

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be, please." Danny's voice cracked, his eyes were bright with tears as he righted the knocked over chair and sat back down across from Jack, gripping his hand tightly.

Vlad leaning over him, Vlad gripping his hand, he was smiling, his teeth were sharp. Glass smashed, he'd dropped the drink. It was bitter.

He could almost still taste it.

"No..."

Maddie running past him in the lab, like he wasn't even there, crying. Jazz at the breakfast table, not seeing not hearing, eyes red and puffy. They hadn't looked at him, not once had they looked at him. They couldn't see him, they really couldn't see him.

But Danny could.

"If... I'm a ghost," the words tasted foul and heavy on his tongue, "and you aren't... why can you see me?"

Danny sighed, still holding tight to Jack's hand.

"It's complicated." he said, staring down at the table.

"Vlad, he did this. I'm..." Jack whispered. "But his eyes were... he was overshadowed. It was a ghost that-."

"He wasn't overshadowed." Danny kept his gaze averted, his expression was hard and cold. "It was the accident with the proto-portal, it changed him. He-"

Danny choked up, tears were slipping from his eyes, he gasped a few unsteady breaths.

"He blamed you, he blamed you and wanted to kill you, he's been trying since the attack at the reunion. I tried to protect you dad I tried I tried I'm sorry, I didn't know about the poison until it was too late I'm sorry, I couldn't get there in time I couldn't-"

Danny's sobs shook his whole body, he buried his head in his arms, shaking hands still clasped around Jack's.

Red eyes, sharp teeth, the reunion...

"The Wisconsin Ghost," how had he not seen it? "He's the Wisconsin Ghost."

Then another thought struck him. He looked at his son like he'd never seen him before, sobbing loudly, painfully, his body wracked with spasms as he choked on every breath. He had been trying to protect him, all this time he had known and was protecting him, alone.

When Jack had been told to sit, compelled to sit, unable to move and paralysed with terror, had he imagined the glint of green in his son's eyes? He knew a ghost with green eyes, who could incapacitate someone with a single terrifying scream, who was mortal enemies with the Wisconsin Ghost, who claimed to be a protector, who looked just like a kid.

Danny had been in the lab that day, when the portal turned itself on.

Had the portal turned itself on?

Jack stood, his legs finally acting of his own accord once more, and he rounded the table to pull his son into a tight hug.

"Oh Danny, it was you, the ghost boy, it was you."

"I'm sorry dad, I'm so sorry." The words wouldn't stop pouring from his lips, tumbling over and over. Jack's chest grew tight from the pain in his voice.

He ran a hand over his son's hair and shushed him gently.

"It's okay Danny-boy, it's not your fault, you did your best. I'm so proud of you son, we should have realised, you did so much all on your own, I'm so proud of you." It was Jack's turn to start blubbering.

"I should have told you." said Danny, voice muffled against Jack's chest.

He and Maddie always talked about all of the things that they would do to Phantom if they had ever caught him, they'd talked about it during family dinners. Danny had sat there listening, the whole time he had been right there listening.

"I... understand why you didn't." said Jack.

Danny had stopped shaking, he pulled away from Jack and wiped his eyes.

"Vlad told mom that he'd been overshadowed, she's been out hunting for the Wisconsin Ghost all week." Danny sniffed, "I wanted to tell her the truth, I wanted to so badly but Vlad he... he said he'd go for Jazz next. Said if he got past me once he could do it again. I couldn't risk it."

Jack had never understood why a ghost would choose to remain tethered, why they couldn't just move on and leave the living to go about their business in peace. He always told himself that when he died he would never return, he would take what was to come with open arms.

But that wasn't what happened. He'd gotten up to start his day as usual, but he was already dead. There had been no choice, and were he given one now, he didn't think he could bring himself to take it.

His family still needed him, how could he leave them behind? It wasn't wrong if he stayed to protect his family, right?

Jack placed a heavy hand on Danny's shoulder, and gently knocked his chin with a large fist.

"Buck up kiddo, I might need to get a handle on this whole bein' a ghost thing but when I do," Jack's voice dropped into a low, dangerous growl and, for just a brief moment, his eyes flashed a vibrant green, "I'm not gonna let him hurt anyone else."