#and then...... I started to become obsessed. like any other autistic person would do

[dixidin]

A single like and reblog and I'll drop all my Argenthill hcs

[catmask]

if it's not too intrusive, would you be comfortable talking about your experiences with OCD and maybe what made you seek a diagnosis?

idm it might help other people. i mean disclaimer not to use this as a diagnostic tool but if this sounds like u and u got a doc to talk to its worth bringing up

i think an important place to start and why i didnt think i had ocd is i am 1) autistic 2) a csa victim. this is pertinent because all of the things that actually lead me to get diagnosed with ocd i just kept dismissing as parts of those two other things. thinking 'surely this is all thats up there cant be anything else wrong with me' (<- thoughts of a clown)

the trouble with this is that coping skills id found for parts of both autism and csa trauma weren't working with things i later found out were related to ocd. so like, for example. frequently having intrusive thoughts about csa/sex trauma, i was told that if im experiencing a flashback the best thing i can do is try to ground myself and comfort myself. and yeah this is true, it would work if a flashback is all it was. but what it DIDNT account for is the guilt/dirty feeling id get after having them and the obsessive need to be 'clean' after.

and this trickled into hundreds of aspects of my life. 'cleaness' has always been such a vague unattainable concept unmedicated for ocd. if some things touch other things theyd become 'unclean'. if a person i felt uncomfortable around touched me or something it became 'unclean'. there were 'good' and 'bad' thoughts to have. i was constantly existing as if my presence was being monitored 24/7.

i could not fucking relax because every action i took, regardless of whether or not i was in private, i was constantly thinkin 'am i doing something wrong? am i hurting someone by doing this? am i breaking any rules?' and the 'bad thing' i was doing was like. i missed my boyfriend while he was at work. or i was going over former scenarios in which i was socially awkward in my head and wondering if i should be dead for doing that.

part of why i dismissed this as autism ofc too is yknow. being autistic i often missed social queues as a kid and was pretty brutally punished for it (physically by my parents, emotionally and socially by peers) so i was like yeah its Normal and Realsitic id have super intense fear about 'am i secretly doing something bad and dont realzie it because no one will fucking tell me until ive already done it and its too late and then i deserve all the punishment i get' but where my loved ones stepped in and were like Hey thats Not really normal. is where it waslike. other autistic people going 'brother i dont do that'

so yeah. it was like. kind of rule of elimination? the problems that wrrent getting solved by coping skills for the Other problems i Knew i had, i isolated those leftover things and my doctor was like 'this sounds like you have ocd. do you do this too' and listed out like 60 other things i didnt consider symptoms i just considered 'funny quirks' i had, like crying so hard id throw up if i couldnt get a blanket to lie perfectly flat during a picnic when i was 8 or thinking i was going to hell and my stuffed animals could feel pain so i would apologize to them iver and over while crying when they fell off the bed

you know. 'quirks'

[pehmokoira]

I only started watching OFMD a few weeks before season 2 came out. I'd vaguely known about it since it was first released, but I'd been holding out on getting a Max subscription. It's funny, but I didn't actually become obsessed with the show until I'd watched the whole first season. Then something clicked in my brain. I was a goner.

I'm so glad I was there to experience season 2 as it was released. (What a month October was, huh?) But now, knowing there is no season 3 to come, it just feels like I missed out on so much. I've been lurking in the fandom for a few months and now… the show's over? I was clowning along with the rest of you and the cast and the crew, thinking it was going to be renewed, and I thought there would be the long wait until the release of season 3, and then the teasers, and the release, and then months and months of season 3 content coming out both from the cast and the fandom even after the show was over. But here we are.

And I see people saying "you should watch these other queer shows instead", but as an autistic person, with the way my brain works, this is it for me. There is no other show that could come even close. Trying another show sounds as absurd as trying to form a relationship with a random stranger you met in a bar when you've just come out of a relationship of 20 years.

Because I don't want other queer characters. I want Stede, with his whimsy and his bitchiness and his struggles with becoming who he is while learning what love is. I want Ed, with his childhood trauma and his battles with his demons and his discovery and acceptance of his soft side. I want the crew of the Revenge, with their diverse looks and ages and identities and disabilities and their love for each other. They are the family I found in the sea of queer representation.

I am so grateful that the show happened at all, that we got a second season, that the writers were kind and far-seeing enough to leave our pirates in a good place just in case this exact thing happened. But goddamn am I grieving for what we could've had with only one more season.

One. More. Season.

As long as any hope remains that there is the slightest chance for the show to be revived, for WB/Max to reconsider their decision or for another streaming service to pick it up, I am clinging to my clown wig and doing everything I can.

To quote the only other piece of media that's ever mattered as much as OFMD to me:

And you know what? That hope was enough for those characters. It could be for us, too.

[ace-race-ace]

Autistic traits reflected by Max Verstappen - Part 1/?

Next part

DISCLAIMER: this is in no way ‘diagnosing’ Max as autistic. You should not in any way use this post as a reason to start claiming so on Tumblr or any other platform as it can be damaging in many aspects. These are just observations made by me, an autistic person mostly as a sense of comfort in some similar actions/behaviors. It’s fine to discuss and find more instances, but it’s not with an end goal to ‘prove’ anything

I also don’t have sources for everything, but will try to link as many as I can (if others have them, feel free to share them)

Hyper fixation(s)

For autistic people, a hyper fixation is an extreme interest in a certain thing - it can be media, a sport, a hobby, a collection, a certain skill, the list goes on. The particularly is that it tends to take over a lot of their lives/thinking. It’s not just a simple ‘obsession’, it’s something that becomes a primary part of the way you function day to day. Autistic people often ‘impress’ people with an encyclopedic knowledge of a specific topic because once something becomes a hyper fixation, we tend to absorb a lot of information quickly - and it sticks around. It’s also things we are obviously extremely passionate about and will take any free opportunity to indulge.

So what are examples for Max?

Racing, Geography, and Paddle (kinda)

Racing - The most obvious. It’s his full time job and he does plenty of sim racing on the side. What makes it more than just a job? The fact it’s always his number one choice of what to do in his free time. He streams with Team RedLine all the time, often hours before or after his F1 duties. Even partaking in the 24h Nurburgring online race just before the Imola GP. His knowledge of the practical aspects of racing is endless, he can talk about different corners, weather conditions, car models easily without a hitch.

While other driver take their time off to do various other activities and visit new places, Max more often than not goes back to racing and is happy to do so. It’s not just an obsession, because obsessions tend to become damaging and keep people away for living their lives. No, for Max, racing is his life and he wouldn’t be as happy to do anything else.

Geography - this one seems to be one he’s held from childhood. Again, many people enjoy learning about the world and different flags but there’s a difference between being casually interested and the hyper fixation level. Usually, people can learn to recognize flags and may have it as a bit of a random party trick. Max on the other hand says he had posters of the world map in his childhood bedroom and would spend hours learning all of them. Watching his grill the grid video where he needs to point out every track is extremely impressive, he gets them all right without hesitation. Some of the other drivers were good too, but made some mistakes, but those mistakes didn’t really matter much to them at the end of the day. Max on the other hand was extremely careful about making sure he had everything right - a huge autistic trait. Any geography related question, Max has an answer. There was even a video where he had to read a geography question for Checo off of a card and got jokingly mad the question wasn’t given to him (link-50 secs in)

Everyone knows him as the geography nerd, but at the same time, it’s not like he ‘studied’ it. Autistic people are often able to retain an incredible amount of information in one subject without really putting in a lot of effort, it just sticks around. And that information is often then part of info dumping where an autistic person just rattles on about the subject when given the opportunity. Max is seen doing this in multiple other interviews.

Paddle - I would classify this as a sort of small hyper fixation because obviously he doesn’t spend as much time doing it but the intensity is still there. Everyone knows about Max’s infamous 11 rackets he bought in hopes to become better (failing miserably). Just that makes his interest not very typical. Most people trying a new sport might get some fancy equipment and end up not really using it but 11 rackets??? There is literally no logic as to why Max would need that many unless he went pro 🤣 this lines up with the autistic tendency to get attached to something really quickly and start indulging in it with no rhyme or reason.

It’s also an activity he can share with other people. Autistic people are often mistaken to always want to be left alone but the truth is we often actually really crave human connection because of how lacking it can be in our lives. So if all of a sudden it seems everyone is getting into this one thing, in this case paddle, we can often get in over our heads and get very intense about it very quickly in hope to share a connection.

———————————————————————————

Unchanging Habits

For many autistic people, a sense of control is very important. We like everything to work according to plan. Plus there is a big sense of ‘if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it’ in many of our habits. This can be in the form of favorite foods/drinks, clothing, planning our time etc. Again, neurotypical people obviously have favorites, but it’s often not a this or nothing situation like it is for autistic people. They might look for an alternative, but many autistic people would rather have/do nothing if it isn’t their regular habit.

Examples for Max - Food, Gin and Tonic, Red Bull kit

Food (carpaccio and tomato soup) - Max always has the same answer when asked about his favorite food, carpaccio and tomato soup. Most people will have favorite foods but their answer may vary over time as they try more things. This tik tok shows how unchanging his answer is. Autistic people often have what is called “safe foods” that they will enjoy eating at anytime and it seems this is the case for Max too.

He also mentions it again in a recent interview

Gin and Tonic - a lot of people know that this is Max’s favorite drink. Now if you think, have you ever heard him talk about any other drink? Many of the other drivers even point out how attached he is to the drink. Same as the food, most people shift around what they may enjoy but autistic people will usually stick to what they know they enjoy.

I don’t know the favorite drink of any other driver but we know about Max love for Gin and Tonic because he constantly brings it up. It’s also a very simple drink that most if not all places will offer so it’s also a ‘safe’ favorite to have. It takes away the possibility of having to choose something else. Additionally, it’s also a very ‘bland’ drink that doesn’t taste like much apart from gin. Autistic people tend to prefer simple taste in order to avoid sensory overload.

Red Bull kit - this is another thing people love to point out about Max, the fact he’s nearly always in his Red Bull kit. Obviously he’s not one of the ‘fashionistas’ of the grid but he takes it to an extreme. He always comes into the paddock in the Red Bull kit. Other drivers often vary between team kit, sponsor clothes or regular outfits, but Max never does! He’s also seen wearing the Red Bull stuff outside of the paddock/race weekends, people often laughing at the fact he’s always wearing the kit even at other events. Even in his free time during paddle matches and twitch streams, he’s often wearing some kind of Red Bull branded clothes. Again, many other drivers often wear their team gear (it’s part of their job) but outside of the race weekend, they all wear their regular clothes. Yet for Max, it’s an in-joke within his fans to be shocked whenever he isn’t wearing Red Bull merch.

Clothing choice is quite important for autistic people. Different textures/colors/cuts can be uncomfortable so sticking with something we are familiar with is extremely common. In Max’s case I actually suspect it’s more about the avoidance of choice. Making small decisions like what to wear can be very stressful as an autistic person so just sticking to one outfit/type of clothes is simply just the obvious choice.

It could also be a sort of comfort item in wearing something that is so integral to who you are. For example, since F1 has become my hyper fixation, I always have some kind of F1 related thing on me. It gives me comfort and shows to others a part of me that is extremely important. For Max, Red Bull has been his entire career in F1, his life wouldn’t be the same without them, so constantly repping them could also be a pert of that

———————————————————————————

I have alot more observations that I will continue to release to my blog

Lots of love to everyone 🫶

[girlwiththegreenhat]

hey when they wrote "knight behind bars" and they wrote kitt helping a couple get together and they gave him the line "Some day, it will be my turn" [to find love]. did they know what they were doing. did they know that in some 40 years some gay autistic robot-obsessed little freak on tumblr would not stop thinking about it for weeks and write literal dozens of paragraphs screaming about it on discord. did they know they were going to ruin Me, Specifically, with this concept that feels like the culmination of everything kitt has gone through through the show and such a fascinating thing to think about in regards to michael and kitt's relationship,

one of the themes of knight rider is kitt developing as a Person, developing a line between the Knight Industries Two-Thousand, and Kitt. discovering humanity, his own emotions, the joys of the seemingly and logically pointless, and often through the lens of his own driver, his partner, his friend, Michael - his primary guide through all these experiences, his reference for those human things he doesn't understand. and as much as he initially claims to not be capable of experiencing emotions, of understanding feelings, he learns to. he experiences a wide range of emotions through the show even while claiming he doesn't, he even learns fear and insecurity. perhaps it's only natural a robot would learn to love, or at the very least be terribly curious about it and wonder if such a thing could ever exist for Him

the majority of people are not exactly kind to kitt. they talk about him like he's not there, they talk about him like he's a machine, a novelty, some people are even scared of or disturbed by him when all he's trying to do is make polite conversation and company. he's always Othered - there's no other cars like him (at least not anymore), but there's no other person like him either, he doesn't truly belong among humans or vehicles. some of the technicians at FLAG don't even seem to fully respect him as a person, at least they don't based on my vague recollection of how they talk about him in Junkyard Dog. when Michael asks him after KARR is destroyed if it feels good to be one of a kind again, he doesn't say yes or no - he only says it's a "familiar feeling." it may be familiar, but it's surely also isolating, and i think that's something he'd realize as he slowly picks up this curiosity about love. where could he even find it when so few people see him as an equal person to begin with?

and then there's michael. oh my god, and then there's michael. no matter what flavor you choose to read it in, the whole show is about their relationship, they're a duo, a set Not to be separated, they're Partners. they work together, they worry about and look after each other (forever insane about when kitt was a melted shell, Michael stuck around the garage for hours, waiting for any news like a worried spouse, constantly checking on him every opportunity he got... encouraging him to recover, and even helping paint back on his protective coating... kitt always looks after michael, but for once, it's michael's turn to look after Him), in a way they were Made for each other - Kitt more literally, being programmed for Michael and holding his namesake, but Michael was also made in a sense for the pilot program, hand picked and given a second life to work for the foundation and with this strange supercar. and even if they had a rocky start, michael comes to view kitt as a person - car, TV set, or computer core, Kitt is his partner, his buddy. he helps him find himself, guides him and teaches him about these things that make us human, and in a way, kitt becomes human - but his entire experience is still through the perspective of an AI in a car, it's still very unique and isolating, and I think he sort of grows into his own limitations, he's finally brushing against the walls that define him.

he learns of love, and then he learns to dream Of love. these things he sees in the movies, that michael tells him about, that he so often sees michael Partaking in that he gets so oddly jealous of, doesn't it all seem so wonderful? he's very curious. but who could ever love steel and circuitry, who could ever see him as an equal let alone a partner in a romantic sense? who would ever love a car and all the limitations That comes with? it's a problem for a hypothetical hopeful Some Day, in the meantime stuck between two worlds where he doesn't perfectly belong to either, where no car Can love him and no human seemingly Would love him...

and michael loves him anyway. before either of them really realize or talk about it, in spite of everything, in any form, regardless of the fact it wouldn't be a typical relationship by absolutely any means, michael loves him anyway. kitt is as much a person to him as bonnie or devon or RC, and that person is someone he loves and cares for deeply. the feeling is mutual, kitt's world revolves around michael, he's one of the most important people in kitt's life, and he'd do anything to protect him.

and it is michael that will finally teach him to love, and what it means to feel loved in turn, to be loved as the person he undoubtedly is.

[relatableblorbopoll]

Round 1 of preliminaries, group 14

The first two places get a place on the bracket

Little reminder: there will be 2 more rounds of preliminaries, the losing blorbos of this poll still have 2 chances of getting in the official bracket

Propaganda under the cut

Oz Vessalius (Pandora Hearts)

"Struggles with self-worth, adores books, ADHD (though that’s not canon—but he fits the diagnostic criteria), his strongest/most important relationships are platonic"

Sound (My School President)

"Lonely gay teenager who tries to be cool and sauve but gets adopted against his will by a group of losers and then falls for one of the losers who gets on his nerves a lot because he was nice to him once and then he gets all awkward and flustered around the boy and tries to avoid him and antagonize him but the boy sees through it and they eventually end up together and he becomes the most annoying person in love ever"

Luz Noceda (The Owl House)

"adhd. possibly some autism too. a weird girl who got outcasted by being herself and sure has some WACK coping mechanisms to deal with it. self worth is IN THE DRAIN. gnc and not straight. writes fanfic. artist. goes through a depression era when at her moms house. loves her mom also. this is canon stuff i'm saying"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA she is so ASDHSUJD. Okay I started watching the owl house because I knew there was a WLW couple, so obviously I had to check it out. But upon watching the show, I got so emotionally connected to it, or moreso the protagonist, Luz, that it could go beyond some people's understandings... I remember that almost any scene showing her neurodivergent traits would hit SO. CLOSE. HOME. It would be unbelievable. I literally rewatched the show more than seventeen times one summer. She is just so goshdarn relatable man. She's the weird kid, has no friends, loves making anime edits, is OBSESSED with a book series, loves witches and magic and stuff, has ADHD, an attention span that is so high when she's engaging with something she likes doing and so low when she's bored. She's just so lovely. I know a lot of people found her annoying in season one but she hit close home to me. Season two was amazing as well and she started getting even MORE relatable!! She started showing her people pleasing, how much she blames herself, it was so sad but I was glad to see a character I could relate to so much on screen. I mean i personally didn't experience the loss of my father and I personally do have one friend whom I'm able to share my life with, but she's still super relatable. She can be so silly and so cool. And her impulsivity and the way she realized she doesn't know what she wants to do when she grows up also hit close home. Mwah"

Gundham Tanaka (Super Danganronpa 2)

"Goth autistic theater kid"

Saiki Kusuo (Saiki Kusuo no Psi Nan/The Disastrous Life of Saiki K)

"He's very dead inside, especially in the English Dub, and introverted. But even so, he cares a lot for his friends, even if he never says it to them and he finds them annoying most of the times. He also be nosey and just insert himself into others' situations that don't involve him (obviously, he makes it so that nobody knows he's there and, obviously, he's also complaining about this all the time). He's canonically aroace, or at least aroace spec He's canonically trans. He was born as a girl but he didn't like it so he immediately turned himself into a boy with his psychic powers. An argument could be made about him being on the autism spectrum."

Drew (The Music Freaks)

"I don't like him actually I hate him and love him st the same time in fact but. This man is so real and such a horrible jerkwad to everyone around him. I mean I can't relate to THAT but I should mention he also gets jelous easily, he is in love with his best friend who does not like him back, he's all moody and grouchy and bratty. And so am I and I hate it lol."

[yanteetle]

consider: yandere turtles with an s/o who's a famous singer/actress/youtuber/whatever

obsession would start before y/n even knows who the turtles are lol

OOoOKAYY SO. Basically the anonymous fan turned stalker and obsessive maniac. Personally one of my lesser favored tropes in yandere media, but lets see.

I see Mikey as someone who's more likely to fall into this trope, knowing how he idolizes Meatsweats despite being enemies. He'd drop at any opportunity to interact with his darling idol, and he'd fork out all his money in mrs porky coin for a chance to even LOOK at them in the flesh. Tropes like these make kidnapping much harder, but it also enhances their desperation for their darling. Mostly because the yandere themselves are forced to love them from afar. Remember those obsessive fans that harrass their favourite idols? Mikey takes this to a whole new level, especially because of his more anonymous prescence as a sewer-living turtle. His darling can never catch a break with him around.

Donnie, being the autistic mf he is, would probably accidentally get hyper-fixated on his darling's life, merch, relationships, and everything revolving them. He'd lay off trying to interact with them for some time, probably wanting to bide his time and ensure he makes every interaction he has with his idol go as well as humanly possible. Thus, he becomes a very devoted stalker towards them. And he gets so deep into his obsession, he starts to realize this isn't purely a hyperfixation; he's loving them from afar in the unhealthiest way possible. Once he's very sure he knows y/n inside out, he'll start interacting with his darling. He's basically 2012 Donnie (planning how to hang out with April) when it come to his darling.

Leo is more likely to obsess over a darling who's more obscure and less famous. Something he could consider 'his little secret', which will mostly soothe his possessive nature. He'd get irritated when he meets other fans, especially if they end up gushing about his darling in front of him. In his head, only he gets to gush about them like that. Not them! (may or may not end up trying to kill y/n's other fans if they seem to like you a little too much) He likes the idea of loving y/n being his 'little secret', and oftentimes lurks around them anonymously, only to 'accidentally' bump into them and slowly creep into their life and befriend his beloved little secret.

Raph? Oh man, have you seen how he's like with Ghostbear?? I don't even need to explain him too much, but let's say the way he idolizes y/n can get very.. out of hand. He believes that y/n could do no wrong, so even if they get cancelled for the worst of crimes/actions, he's out there defending their honor like it's what he was born to do. Even if y/n goes out of his way to treat him like shit, he'll still be there taking every insult and mean word. All while kicking his feet like a little schoolgirl and twirling his nonexistent hair. He's down bad, and it gets even worse than Ghostbear.

[radiostaticsmile]

Aroace alastor headcanons!

Alastor is ofc canonically ace and probably aro and i hc him as both, but aroace is a broad spectum and the following is how I hc him to experience it!

1. Feelings twoards touch

it is well known Alastor doesn't like others touching him- however I don't think he is completely touch adverse! He is constantly touching other people (petting Husk, leaning on vaggie), so I think he is okay with touch as long as he initiates it and is in control of how far it goes. I also hc him as autistic, and I think he especially likes petting furry demons for the soft texture! This sometimes gives them the wrong idea though which leads to...

2. Reaction to crushes

I think Alastor purposefully gets people to have crushes on him because he both thrives on attention of any kind and he wants to use other people's feelings to control them. He wants people to obsess over him and want to please him as much as possible. However, as soon as they try to actually ask him out or make too bold a move, he immediately flies into pure aro panic. This can cause him to reject them extreamly harshly and possibly even attack them.

I think it is possible or at least a funny idea that this happened with Vox. I have seen a lot of great art that I love where Vox is asking Alastor romantically, but Alastor interprets it as a platonic business proposal. I think it would also be very funny if Vox was giving a platonic business proposal, and Alastor thought it was romantic and attacked Vox in a aromantic panic state, leading to a very confusing and upsetting day for Vox.

3. Sexual situations

I think Alastor is sex repulsed but kinky. His reaction to Angel Dust's dick sucking offer in the pilot sort of gives me sex repulsed, though he could also just be Shocked someone would talk to someone as powerful as him that way.

However, Alastor is also a sadist and I think he is horny about it. His reaction of 'thats a lot less hot' when told to get rid of the eggbois humanly tells me that he does think of hurting people as sexy. He also likes to be in control and have people pay attention to him in a way that makes me think he would really enjoy domming (his clothes stay ON!) but I don't think he has tried it very much since he probably mainly enjoys his sadism through Literally Murder. I do think he consentually throws nifty around though, since she likes pain and he likes causing it. He doesn't really see it as sexual though, more just using her as a stress ball, though it does excite him and is part of why he likes her. (Nifty however is extremely horny about it).

4. Relationships

Like stated earlier I think Alastor would reject any explicitly romantic relationship especially if suddenly proposed to him, but I think he does get very attached to specific individuals in a way where he kind of feels he owns them. He wants to be close to them and know about them and (unhealthily he is toxic) control their lives to an extent. He would probably enjoy doing kinky things with people he feels this way about and would want to cuddle and hang out and give them gifts. I think he might be a bit uncomfortable if he had a close bond in this way and the other person wanted to label it as dating, be he would probably accept it as a signifyer of how close the relationship is and kinda like it as a mark of that person belonging to him. However if the person changed their behaviour twoards him because of the dating label he would become confused and upset, since he would have thought they were just labeling what they were already doing, not trying to change the dynamic.

This is theoretical because I think he doesn't really open up to people emotionally and when he starts to like someone in this way he becomes more controling in a way that can become abusive (i think this is how he feels about Husk) and it usually makes the person hate him, not have a desire to date him or anything (though his attention on them may give them a confusing mix of positive and negative feelings).

I hope you like my ideas! Obviously I am happy to see differing headcanons but I tried to substantiate mine with show evidence! Though there isn't much to go off in the show so I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out differently :D

[joyfulapostate]

hi!!

for context, i was raised baptist, im queer, my mother converted in her late 20s i believe? and my father was raised strictly baptist as well. my mom has been listening to sermons on youtube obsessively, and my father will lose his mind if you (collective) say ANYTHING that has even the slightest chance of questioning the bible in any way. i’m closer with my mom than my dad, we both have adhd and im autistic, my dad is emotionally and verbally abusive.

i started questioning pretty much everything since mid 2020 ish??, and i just started accepting the idea that my parents would probably disown me, or at the very least ground me until they’re dead, if they knew anything about me that’s not an ✨image i’ve made specifically for them✨. (my main spotify acc has seen so many mental breakdowns it’s not even funny at this point😐)

anyways i just was wondering if there’s a Specific Reason i’ve been really really drawn to catholicism, catholic guilt, and really anything regarding that? it’s just been like A Thing for me especially really recently and i’m just always sitting there like “why tf do i feel like i have catholic guilt i’ve only stepped foot in a catholic church one single time and it was for a craft show????”

if there’s no specific answer that’s totally cool i just thought i’d try to ask someone who seems to know what they’re talking about bc ive been thinking about it a LOT recently

(i also feel like im letting down my grandma, she was the sweetest lady and she absolutely made my childhood so much better and im so grateful for her. she was pretty much the backbone of her church, she died seven years ago and i just feel like if she saw me now she wouldn’t recognize me even if she had every form of proof in the world it was me. i don’t know if she would even accept i was her grandkid at this point.)

It’s so great that you are giving yourself room to become more than what others expect you to be. We all deserve that. And it takes courage to create space for yourself, especially in a worldview that tends to reduce our self image.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with an abusive situation. Your safety is important and you deserve to have a healthy support system.

I think that the idea of “Catholic guilt” is a more popular trope than guilt from Protestant traditions. I see it mentioned more in personal conversations and in books, TV, and movies. It absolutely makes sense that this idea would resonate with you.

It can be helpful to study other traditions to give you context for your own experience, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to claim something from another religious tradition as your own. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re doing, I just try to be careful about stuff like that.

I was also raised in a Protestant faith, but I had Catholic friends and attended Mass at several points in my life. When I was still a believer, it seemed like there was a great chasm between these belief systems. But now that I have some distance from my former faith, I see that they have more similarities than differences. Shame and guilt run through them both. There’s guilt about familial obligations, Jesus’ death, and “sinful” actions. (I personally think that sin is just one god’s opinion and it matters more that we try to treat each other well than follow a non-negotiable rulebook.)

It may not be possible to be totally open now now, but I believe it will be in the future. I didn’t share my doubts when I was still dependent on my parents and it felt awful at the time to keep anything private. Because it felt like privacy implied guilt. But now I am grateful to my past self for waiting until I felt secure enough to share my doubts. I found people who felt safe and confided in them. I built relationships based on mutual respect and informed choices, which hadn't felt possible before.

I still have distance with some of my religious family members. But some of my more progressive family members and I have made a lot of progress in understanding each other. Love can overcome doctrine in many relationships, but not others. It’s a difficult reality to face, especially when you don’t have the opportunity to communicate with them. I know that I had to grieve the people I’d lost and the idea that I would see them in heaven. But there are people in this world who will understand you, support you, and hope for you to have a wonderful and fulfilling life that allows you to grow beyond their expectations. And it sounds like you already are that kind of person for yourself, and that is an impressive accomplishment in its own right.

[phantastragoria]

do you have a favourite portrayal of a character in the gotg game!! who is it and why <3

Oh I think they're all great honestly!!! Part of why I love the game so much is that genuinely, the whole team + supporting characters are written with such obvious love of the source material and equal attention between them all. When I see comments of people saying who their favorite character was from the game and the answer always being different from each person I'm like!! That's how it SHOULD be!!! They're the Guardians of the Galaxy (plural) the focus shouldn't all fall on a singular character like most other GotG media usually ends up as 😭

The two (sorry I can't pick just one) whom I think benefit the most from the game though are Drax and Gamora because they're almost always sidelined both in-and-out of universe by most of the various writers (especially as of late) and in turn the viewers/readers. I've been told plenty of times that they're the most boring members of the "main" team, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY! The amount of love the game versions get (by the few who've played it at least) proves that 🥺

I've never really liked 616 Drax shifting to being a complete clown during the 90s and such (and even less so when the MCU followed along 💀) So I appreciate the game taking a bit of his seriousness from the DnA run and just making him struggle with nuance and context clues in a less exaggerated way (autistic Drax I still believe in u) and I feel the focus put on him and how losing his original family + the aftermath deeply affected him hits pretty hard here because it's treated very seriously and shown in depth, especially with how his family (wife) gets actual focus. I cannot tell you anything about Yvette in comparison to Hovat, who actually seemed to have had a personality lol (AND she was on their village's council like omg imagine having more to you than just being The Housewife) Though I will say I flip and flop on my thoughts about Heather being disconnected from Drax's life in this universe... The TLDR is that I think his arc here specifically works stronger when he has to come to terms with losing his entire family and accepting the life he currently has with the Guardians. BUT!!! I very much appreciate that Heather is still confirmed to exist within this universe, even if that means her dad issues would have to be dealt with in a different context if we ever get to see her.

Also? Shoutout to the writers actually bringing up the intense paranoia that always kneecapped 616 Drax but having that be a turning point in his backstory here, with that conversation he has with Peter where he talks about how he was becoming so paranoid of everyone being a chitauri/Thanos conspirator to the point of literally turning into an obsessed maniac like Thanos, and realizing that he desperately needed to turn his life around, it's so ough.

Out of the already many great conversations throughout the game, I think the ones with him are the most poignant. My favorite scene in the whole game is Drax and Pete's little moment on Knowhere... makes me go wahhh

(l also love that out of everyone on the team, it's his headspace that we quite literally get to go into. You KNOW that if this was any other media it'd be going into Rocket or Groot's head and likely treated as a joke.)

And oh my god, Gamora...

I find it so extremely refreshing that her role in the plot doesn't revolve purely around the men in her life, and instead, it's nearly exclusively her connection with other women. Or in the most direct obstacle she has to deal with, being how she starts projecting to the millionth degree on Nikki's situation for reminding her of what happened to her and Nebula. I find that infinitely more fascinating as a reading of her character rather than just dating drama or her arc getting completely overtaken by a man's instead.

And especially in her friendship with Mantis, who, despite having all these futures she's constantly seeing and having to navigate, still makes time to do her best to help her 🥺 From saving her life and being the one who put her on the path to healing on Lamentis, to getting her to join the Guardians and still checking in on her when she's able 😭 Friendship between women can be so powerful... u love to see it (🏳️‍🌈)

I also find it nice that there's this emphasis on her recovering mentally, and the comparison between Thanos essentially teaching her to just Deal with the shit in her life through very simplistic meditation versus the priests of Pama actually teaching her something to help soothe the mind :^( and that she still has moments of relapsing essentially. I find that to be a realistic take on recovery because that's just part of the journey since healing is not linear... and I think it's very sweet that she finds comfort in collecting something ---girly--- like dolls. Love to see a person reclaim a part of their childhood that they weren't allowed to experience. And how she's allowed to make BAD JOKES?? Imagine a woman being written to have multiple dimensions, crazy and absolutely unthinkable, I know.

There's this extremely specific theme in relation to Gamora across media that's been rattling around in my brain since first playing the game. When near the end during the revisit to Knowhere, she's about to completely lose it when Peter tries talking -for- her on what she's so upset about before immediately shooting him down, and she explains what happened between her and Nebula and she starts crying. It really struck me right then that she's never given a moment to cry elsewhere (or in the 616's case, the quite literal inability to.) aside from her shedding a Single Manly Tear (Original Sin) or a single moment out of legit fear (MCU 💀) because she's a hashtag Strong Independant Woman who can't be vulnerable etc etc. But for her to cry in front of the people she's come to care about, It gives her a moment of true vulnerability that I don't think she's allowed ever in most other media.

That and all of the above hits hard and is what makes me genuinely believe that the writers cared about her in the narrative and tried to do right by her when every other bit of media really hasn't nor cared to the majority of the time since the 90s :'^/ Brings a tear to my eye that she's allowed to just... exist in the narrative on her own merits and not on what she can provide to someone else's story.

[metallteeff]

my long gender post lol

idk how long it’ll actually be but like. god i’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “knowing since you were a kid” recently and for the longest time i thought i didn’t really know but recently i’ve remembered and realized to an extent i did know but in the vein of “who cares” and i guess i just always assumed everyone else felt the same. like i just thought everyone was like who cares, but ill just wear this thing because everyone else does.

and i used to be really nervous and somewhat afraid of bringing up my autism and other things in relation to my gender because so many people use it to discount and discredit your experience, especially when it’s brought up as a cause of you being trans. i’ve always been afraid of someone coming up to me and saying “you’re not trans you’re just autistic and confused” which would be a double punch for me.

but i’ve started realizing thinking that way as a kid, before i knew any words to describe myself other than “weird”, was me knowing i just thought everyone also felt like that. and i have that issue often. that i just assume everyone sees the same thing as me, and then thinking we all process that information the same because i just think that’s how brains work.

what makes me sad is you can’t even be “odd” anymore. if people just saw me as some really weird off the deep end “girl” still i wouldn’t really care. i really try not to care what others perceive me as in terms of gender because to me it’s “not their business”. but even just having really weird or unique clothes at this point can get you clocked or treated weird. and i mean this to point out how awful it is that if you just dress kind of “weird” there is a larger chance of you being hurt or turned away or ostracized.

now when you dress “odd” you immediately have an agenda. you have some sick disease or people roll your eyes when you’re around. and i’ve never understood this hateful lens of obsession people have with clothes. i love clothes i definitely have a clothes obsession but they have always been some form of a costume to me. because that’s what they are. you dress up how you’d like to look like in them. so if i have the ability to dress how i desire why wouldn’t i? and if i was a “girl” you would still look at me funny. if i was a “guy” you definitely would. and because i lie inbetween ill never be taken seriously and ill always have this large neon sign above my head that flashes “NONBINARY” which people hate. people get so mad.

over the years i’ve tried to become “tougher” through saying i’m more “reasonable” than other nonbinary people. i just wear t shirt and jeans and im just like you! im more masculine and im nonbinary but i will only use he him! but oh my god it’s wearing down on my soul. it’s grating. and i’m so upset that i made myself do this. for myself for others and im mad that it’s something i felt like i had to perpetuate to be “taken seriously”. being a person is the most unserious thing in the world.

i’m so tired of “gender roles” and i have been since i was 12 and saw others sharing this sentiment and im tired because its confusing. it doesn’t make sense even historically. when boys wore pink because its closer to red. but suddenly now it’s some omen that an “agenda got you”. i have never understood any of this so i’ve never participated but by doing that i was punished. and when i participated i was hurt worse. there’s no point in playing this made up game so why should i have to care im sorry i really don’t. i dont at all.

i’m not trying to make a big point or anything. i mean this as when i was a kid i had absolutely no concept of gender. and when i tried to it hurt me awfully bad. my parents themselves were not that strict with gender roles besides telling me what the world would expect but i could always do “boy” and “girl” things. i mean this as when i was a child i genuinely thought i was a boy because i would sex myself by counting my ribs to make sure i had 13 (…) and i “always did” (i was like 7 lol). i had no concept because lionesses do all the work and big blue peacocks are male. this shit is all stupid and it never made sense to me since i was a kid. and i don’t think it will ever be “because” of anything. people will always try to put a cause but i felt like this when my life was perfect and happy when i was 6 years old and i had no hardships. it felt like this when it got harder it felt like this when it got worse it feels like this now. there’s no point to this.

this is very very long but i have been nonstop thinking about it. i have always felt stuck in my gender identity because of the rules put on this stuff and im sooooo so so tired about it. i feel like ive come out 5000 times because i dont know what im supposed to be. i’ve tried hard to find labels and do them right over and over but god. and it’s not that i don’t identify or feel connected to being queer, i very much do, but to me (and especially at this point) i don’t feel connected to being the “alternative” because it doesn’t make any sense. but being queer and especially trans you get painted as the undesirable alternative. you become “what happens sometimes” and then they’ll try to explain it. give it reason. their parents weren’t the best. they have a gene or a mental disorder or illness. they’re autistic and confused. they have identity issues. they’ll grow out of it. but i’m soooo tired of having to have an explanation. oh my god. because no one else does and when you point it out they get mad and turn it on you.

i don’t really have a nice way to wrap this up. and this is not the 5001 coming out post. i’ve known i’m gender fluid for the past 2ish years. i know what i am. i’m queer. as in odd as in gay as in “alternative” as in shapeless as in confusing. i know who exactly i am by being an ever changing thing but that’s seen as being unstable and lost in yourself instead of curious or intrigued by others explorations. i am just sick of having to explain myself to cis people and having to be seen as a “good example” in every facet of my life, related and unrelated to this.

[merp-blerp]

Why I think Rachel Berry is Autistic/Neurodivergent (Coded)

So I think Brittany is the best example of an autistic Glee character, but i think you could make a case for Rachel too. I don’t want to pretend Rachel would be the greatest representation of autistics ever or anything, but I like neurodivergent headcanons as a neurodivergent person and neurodivergent representation is very lacking in quality and quantity, so we currently must make do with coded characters. This is all just my theory, and I don't even claim it to be perfectly air-tight. It's more than okay to disagree with me. Don’t take it too seriously, this is all in good, self-indulgent fun. I should note that I don’t have any credentials to diagnose anyone; I don’t recommend using this as a way of diagnosing yourself. They’re are better forms of research you could do. I also apologize if this post offends any fellow neurodivergent people. Rachel can be a particularly negative character for some and I don’t mean to imply that all neurodivergent people are like her or that neurodivergents that do see themselves in her are bad; I also see some of myself in her a bit and this neurodivergent interpretation of her makes me like and understand her a bit better. I also don’t want to make it seem like I think neurodivergence is a negative thing inherently. It isn’t at all. I think Rachel’s personality could make her do negative things, but the neurodivergence itself isn’t negative. The post was very inspired by @smolbrittana and their post on Britt’s neurodivergence. Definitely recommend it you’re interested.

So let’s start with some autistic traits and assessing how they might fit Rachel:

Special Interest/Hyperinflations

Barbara Streisand, Funny Girl, West Side Story, theatrical things in general. Need I say more? I will, no matter what you think. Rachel is obviously very obsessive over the things she likes, but also what she wants. From wanting tons of attention from her various crushes in high school, wanting Quinn’s friendship, wanting to be a the best constantly, getting into NYADA and not even really considering alternatives, etc. These are flaws in her character in some situations, but I don’t think it comes from a place of malice… typically. The crackhouse stuff was messed up, but I think this comes from her brain just latching onto things, to the point where these things become a part of her personality almost and in her head there’s no alternative positive situation conceivable to her other than getting what she wants. All or nothing. If something doesn’t happen the way she wants it it feels like a personal attack. Like being a star and shaping her life around being like her idols, but when she feels like someone could upstage her she… sends them to a crackhouse. I bet the reason why she’s so talented from such an early age is because she hyperfixated on being great at what she want to be, great like Barbara Streisand. I also think that this is why Rachel is so forgiving. She hyperfixates on belonging and others liking her, so she’s willing to forgive those around her no matter what they’ve done to her, best example being Quinn. She obsesses over her own perfection; for example, her NYADA audition where she messes up and feels like she has to completely start over and perfect it all the way through rather than continue through it (which I believe is what you’re supposed to do in a situation like that—I know I’ve seen real broadway actors push though their mistakes). Perfection is the only option to her at times.

Social Difficulties

Rachel is not good at social interactions. I think she feels things very intensely and sometimes can’t “properly” express emotions, at least not in a neurotypical way, therefore coming off as awkward or like a jerk. Sometimes she is a jerk, but I digress. Her first interactions with Finn are very awkward because of the way she goes about them. She goes in too strong, clearly feeling a lot for him already, and freaks him out, but it happened to be in a way that seemingly still endeared him. From his perspective, she’s also just… off putting, probably, because she’s neurodivergent and he’s neurotypical. He still falls for and cares for her, of course, but knows she’s different. Essentially in Season 1-2, her interactions with others are often turned up to eleven in terms of intensity/awkwardness.

“Abnormal” Speech

In the early seasons Rachel has this very fast, high-pitched, matter-of-fact way of speaking. This speech pattern goes away as the series goes on so gradually it might not even be noticed till it’s gone (and I have a theory on why it goes away, but more on that later). I think it’s departure is most noticeable in S4 E12, where Rachel imagines communicating with her younger self. There’s a clear difference in how to two Rachels talk and even sing and it’s interesting to see that contrast (and I gotta applaud Lea for being able to show that, however annoying, she is talented). She also has a very colorful vocabulary, which could also be a symptom.

Intense Emotions & Aggression

Totally. Rachel gets very upset when she doesn’t get her way, to a fault sometimes. Her taking it so personally when Tina was chosen to play Maria in West Side Story, saying it was “my part” (another example of her connecting to her special interest so personally). Her pissed off behavior towards Finn after she tried to cheat on him with Puck and kept telling him to forgive her rather than letting him come to a conclusion himself in S2 was very unselfaware. Sending Sunshine to a crackhouse when she felt threatened by her talent. Disrespecting her dance teacher when she grades her “Oops I Did It Again” number. She takes what she perceives as threats very personally, which might be a Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) thing. Santana has a lot of rage, but damn so does Rachel. This could also be related to her feeling very intensely about her special interests or her strong sense of justice, which I’ll get into later.

Hyper-empathy/Low empathy

Rachel’s tendency to not take other’s feelings into account might exhibit low empathy. Now, it’s worth saying that just because a person doesn’t have emotional or cognitive empathy doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. I believe that as long as they’re able to have sympathy and/or compassion they’re good. Empathy is like being able to put yourself in someone’s shoes; feel the things they feel on a personal level, whether you’ve been though what they have or not. Sympathy is only being able to look a those shoes; seeing and logically understanding the other’s emotions, but not feeling them on a personal level. And you can still show compassion either way.

Stimming/Fidgeting

Now this one was hard to find evidence for, and that’s fine. Not every neurodivergent person stims or fidgets in a particularly neurodivergent way. Most people, neurodivergent or not, stims in some way. Any movement can be stimming. I feel like that fast, peppy walk thing she does, particularly when she’s angry, might be a stimy thing. Like she has so much stimulation that she has to really move and get it out of her system. I also do this when something excites me. I’m pretty sure I remember Santana (?) calling it a “bird walk” or something and said that she walk with a “weird pointy toe” way. Rachel’s body language does remind me of a bird some times, like how when she’s upset she’ll move her head in these very quick, twitchy or jerky movements. She holds herself in a certain way when she sings, which became most apparent to me when Jenna Ushkowitz (Tina’s actresses) talked about mimicking these movements in the behind-the-scenes for S3 E20. She jumps up and down and touches her face when she’s happy, and presses her face against the wall when she’s distressed. Might be stimy things too.

“Abnormal” Body language

Rachel has some very upright posture. It’s very proper in the earlier seasons. Somewhat “stiff”, if you will. Her facial expressions are very, for lack of a better word I can think of, extreme. Always the most they could be. If she’s smiling, she’s really smiling. If she’s crying, she’s really crying. Et cetera, et cetera. Like her speech, this relaxes as she gets older, however, I’ve noticed that during her time with Funny Girl, especially during the understudy auditions and her fight with Santana, both her straight lace posture and body language, “bird” mannerism, odd speech pattern, and other traits comes up again, but for the negative. It was like Rachel was hurt and regressed.

Anxiety & Depression

As I mentioned, Rachel regresses into a negative version of her traits in S5. This isn’t to excuse her, I hate Rachel’s actions during this plot-line as much as the next guy, but this could explain it. I’ve theorized that Finn’s death, the pressure of being on Broadway and the excitement yet anxiety of reaching her dreams so quickly to the point where she felt stuck in monotony might have made her somewhat regress back to how she was in early high school after having grown past it. Like she wanted things to be the way they had been before and lashed out against her own success, almost subconsciously/unknowingly sabotaging herself due to this regression. And then after losing her TV show she’s at her lowest in terms of people seeing her talent as something worth putting value into and she does have her come-to-Jesus moment when she goes back home, her actions finally weighting on her and her having to rebuild herself. Somewhat alternately, you could say that Rachel started masking in New York; maybe she knew that not masking in high school made her a target for bullying, so in NYADA she attempted to mask her neurodivergent traits so she could fit in better. This could explain her change in clothes, makeup, mannerisms, speak-pattern, et cetera. Of course, you can’t truly hide you neurodivergent traits, so Rachel is still quite othered in NYADA. Neurotypicals often can tell when someone’s neurodivergent though subjective social data and other them, whether they know they’re doing that or not. So her masking leads to a breakdown because masking is exhausting and painful for a lot of neurodivergents. She breaks. A covert mental breakdown is honestly the only way I can rationalize her leaving Broadway for TV; logically it doesn’t make much sense for her to have done that in my opinion. That’s why I think returning to Lima was good for her to start fresh and grow again in S6. A part of me almost wants to call it a neurodivergent burn-out or masking that led to a shutdown/meltdown. Rachel definitely fits the quota for “gifted kid syndrome”, being surrounded by yes-men all her childhood, and that could led to burn-out when you’re no longer around that. I think Rachel had been struggling for a while but hadn’t expressed it in a healthy way that was true to herself and so she didn’t really process her feelings or shit actions till her “meltdown/shutdown”, if you will, till S6. But that’s just a theory on what happened to her character. It’s hard to assess this part of Rachel’s arc because even though I think it could’ve made sense and it could’ve been interesting, it ended up being one of the worse written plot points of the show, and that is saying something because Glee fans are well aware this show’s not a perfect masterpiece.

Gifted Kid Syndrome

Many autistic people are seen as gifted or special in youth, and sometimes that expands into adulthood. Rachel definitely was seen this way by others and saw herself that way too. There are countless examples of character going on about how talented Rachel is at singing, whether they’re praising her or insulting her. And we know from the first episode of the series that she’s been seen that way for a while.

Rituals, Sensory Processing, and Perfectionism

Rachel has a strict morning schedule and moisturizing ritual. She also flosses between classes, which could be a ritual thing and/or a sensory thing. I feel like her very preppy clothing style in the early season could’ve also been a ritual thing and/or a sensory thing. It’s like she had to dress this way either because it’s a routinely thing or because she felt uncomfortably in other clothes (probably routine, because she does stop dressing like that in the later season, unfortunately—that style was so cute. But hey, putting yourself through clothing sensory hell for the sake of masking, due to the fact people made fun of your preferred clothes in the past, could add to that meltdown/shutdown theory I have). She also has moments where, while stressed, she rest the top of her head on the wall. Also likely a sensory thing to me. She seems very strict on these being done perfectly. She can’t do imperfection and things not being done her way. (Also, I don’t know how true it is, but I swear I remember hearing a trait of autism could be having perfect pitch. Of course Rachel seems to, but I’m not a super smart music person so I don’t know how to tell myself).

Deep intreats in animal

Rachel often wears animal themed clothing in the early seasons and she’s vegan. She also berated that woman for caring her service dog in her purse in S5 E19, assuming she knew more about the woman’s service dog needs than the woman herself. She cares about animals a lot.

A strong sense of justice

This part of Rachel gets forgotten or undermined I think and I wanted to acknowledge it. Especially by S3, Rachel really fights for her friends and against whatever she believes is an injustice. This isn’t to say she’s always in the right with these behaviors or that she’s the best ally to everyone, just that these traits are here. Before Glee club she joined in a lot of advocacy clubs (some she really shouldn’t have been in, but it’s framed that way), she wanted to start a “Gay-Les-All” (The Gay-Lesbian-Alliance), and she regularly protests Mr. 👞, whether it’s by storming out of class or putting tape over her mouth in silent protest when she thinks he’s undermining her talent. In S1-2 it feels entitled most of the time, but I think it becomes a bit more selfless in S3, at least for a while, with her being very for Kurt during the student election, to the point where she stuffs the ballot box and gets suspended for it. Still not a good action, but with good, selfless intentions. She berates that one woman in S5 E19, which is still bad and misinformed of her, but it’s an example. She also stands up to her teacher when she didn’t like her “Oops I Did It Again” performance. And I think, while in the wrong, Rachel was just trying to stand up for herself against a teacher who bullied her a lot.

Difficulty “Fitting in”

This is Rachel’s entire story. Trying to find somewhere she felt she belonged. She wanted to be a part of something special to make her special. I believe this is a part of why she is obsessed with feeling like the best in the room. She was bullied and different from others so she felt very othered; maybe she tried to interpret this othered feeling as “I’m better, they just don’t realize” as a coping mechanism, but I think deep down she knew that wasn’t the case and everyone hated her for other reasons (some justifiable, some ableist if you say she’s neurodivergent) and she had to learn she could share the spotlight and shine along with people at her level. A very “Oh No!” By Marina (and the Diamonds)—“I feel like I’m the worse, so I always act like I’m the best” type deal. In S2 she begins to take down the pedestal she (and others) put herself on as a defense and become self aware and this continues into S3, then the cycle happens again in S4-5 where she starts putting herself up on that defense pedestal again, then takes herself down once more in S6 to her own rock bottom so she can be on healthy ground again by the flash forward and the end of the series. This isn’t perfectly done, but it’s done well enough where I can see that was the goal they might’ve been going for with her, and I appreciate that type of nonlinear character arc, it just wasn’t done well here. Like, not only was it nonlinear in story but also in writing quality and that’s where it’s faulty. Even when you take away all the neurodivergent framework—all the stuff about rituals, shutdown, et centra—this reading could still make sense for Rachel. She’s queen of the outcast who has to humble herself in order to thrive.

Thank you reading! I hope I was clear and coherent enough in this. If you have anymore points to make about this reading of Rachel let me know—I’d love to see!

[twigg96]

Do you have any headcanons about the members of dethklok finding out their s/o is autistic or has some form of neurodivergence? Who would be the most understanding in that scenario

Hello Anon!! I actually have already done a HC covering Autism here!! However I would love nothing more than to write some more HCs for different forms of Neurodivergence if that is ok?

I will be covering: ADHD, Dyslexia, Tourette Syndrome, OCD, and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I truly hope I do this HC justice.

Tourette Syndrome

Nathan - When he first met his partner, he was positive that they were pretty much the coolest person on the whole planet. Yeah they had a few tics. And yeah sometimes those tics caused his S/O to make unwanted movements and sounds. But he thought that it was really bad ass and they were the strongest person on the whole planet. Anxiety was a bitch. He knew so himself. He couldn’t hardly imagine what it would be like if his anxiety caused his nerves to explode with energy and make his body do things he couldn’t control. But his partner handled it so well… and he was so proud of them. So when he saw people trying to start shit with his partner for something they struggled to control, he started shit right back. He’s a protector at heart after all.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

Pickles - he wasn’t immediately trusted by his partner’s entire system and that showed. When they first met he actually met one of his future S/O’s alters who gave him the impression that they kind of really hated him. A few months later when they met again at a less stressful time in his future partner’s life he got to meet the their host personality. They instantly hit it off and dispite the way they acted as if it were the very first time they had ever met the man Pickles knew they were truly something special. Into their friendship he slowly learned about his partner’s alters and their personalities. Some that were fond of him, some that were indifferent as long as their host was happy, and some that saw him as a threat. He was supportive of his partner and all of their personalities, even the ones that didn’t like him that much. He was always very polite and patient with them as he knew they were all part of this beautiful system he agreed to love and cherish.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Murderface- when William first met his future partner he thought they were just really into being clean. It never bothered him. Hell most people were cleaner than him so who was he to judge. But what really caught his attention were the other little things that seemed to stop them in their tracks in their daily lives. Like the amount of times they had to lock the door after walking into the house. That same number followed them to the number of times they had to start the stove for dinner… and the dishwasher. It was just minor things. So Murderface never minded much. It never harmed anyone else or his partner to do things a special way in order to make them comfortable so why be upset? He understands that OCD can and could for his partner become something that could take over their life. He was always aware later on after they officially explained their OCD to him to watch for any sign that his partner was in need of outside intervention or assistance. But with the help they already had and the skills they used he knew they were going to be ok as long as they trusted him and their supporters. He trusted his partner to make those difficult decisions for themselves.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Skwisgaar- when Skwisgaar first met his future partner he was a little taken aback to be honest. They were incredible. Absolutely stunning. And so so knowledgeable about so many cool things. They switched subjects and lost track of things from time to time sure. But who didn’t when they got excited and passionate about their favorite topics right? He noticed his partner moved around a lot and fidgeted some. But so did he. So that never once bothered him. If anything it soothed him to know that he wasn’t the only one walking around the living room on movie night making light commentary on the way the actors dressed and acted out of character in that one scene. The two became fast besties and even faster lovers.

Dyslexia

Toki - when he first met his partner knew he’d met his forever match. They were funny, kind, brilliant, and overall perfect. They had some issues reading but so did he! Hell most of the time they were correcting his English so he never cared if the words were spelled right. There were so many other things to do than read and write anyway! Like take walks in the rain. Go to the zoo with a guide. Paint wild and crazy things that pop into their minds. And go to the wacky building stuffed animal stores to see if they could find rare stuffed animals and make wild combinations.

[drdemonprince]

hi devon! i recently binged all your medium articles, your writing hits so close to home and has opened so many doors of self-reflection for me, thank you. one of your latest ones was about porn and autism, i have some differing opinions on porn itself, but i enjoyed your perspective on it.

i would love to hear your thoughts on autism and hypersexuality in a broader sense. i’m someone that’s recently realised how much my premature exposure to sexuality and porn in childhood made me hypersexual in a way that really stunted my personal growth and had me traumatising myself with my own compulsive sexual behavior. as an undiagnosed autistic adhd kid i was just grasping after any form of stimulating and self-soothing behavior, but also looking after ways to make myself more interesting and appealing to peers and most importantly boys (because interest from men = value as a human i learned early on). i think i could’ve figured out gender and sexuality stuff a little earlier and avoided my comphet phase had it not been for how obsessed i was with sexualising and objectifying myself in my tweens and early teens tbh. i hope to see more people talking about autism and sexuality. my heart breaks thinking about how so many demonise kids with problematic sexualised behavior when they’re literal children trying to figure out this having a body thing and there’s usually grown-ups around them standing idly by doing nothing effective to help.

Hi there! I love hearing from people who don't share my perspective completely but can still get a lot out of my work.

I alluded to this yesterday, but I don't believe hypersexuality or hyposexuality are a thing. Where do we draw the line where it becomes pathological, and why? Clearly humans have varied in how much they desire and think about sex since the beginning of time, and while we still have not figured out a respectful, appropriate way to cope with the fact of it, children also sometimes have an interest in sex and masturbation and a curiosity about it that is completely value neutral. It's just a thing that happens because children are living human beings.

Unfortunately we inhabit a paradigm where this is supposed to be either ignored or punished and discouraged, and anyone who does bring it up is viewed as having some ulterior motive beyond the liberation of children from abuse. And so if a child is curious about sex or driven to explore it in some way, they only means they have of pursuing that interest is by consuming adult material, which a lot of people look back on having done with a variety of different feelings. It sounds like you saw a lot of porn from a young age that really gave you unhelpful expectations for yourself and others and that it really hurt you, and I'm really sorry to hear that.

I consumed a lot of adult content as a child and a teen, not just porn but also real life gore and jump scare videos and elaborate, violent sexual stories, and of all those experiences, the only one that seemed to scar me was the jump scare videos. Seriously, newgrounds fucked me up, and not because I was playing games like Orgasm Angel. It was shit like kikia that fucked me up. The potential that my most beloved friend, the computer, could start screaming at me and showing me dead babies at any moment meant I was on edge and obsessively read all the comments on every video I ever viewed for like... seven or eight years. Even if a friend or classmate wanted to show me a youtube video, I forced them to read through all the comments and convince me it wasn't a jumpscare video first. For like years.

It might be that the only reason I was able to watch and read and play a lot of porn online as a kid without any real adverse effects was because I had a really specific fetish, and so most of the content I was able to view was of an obviously fictional and fantastical variety or was made directly by the people who starred in it. As I wrote in my essay, I'm glad that I started watching brainwashing gifs on weird websites and masturbating to them as a kid. It helped me feel less alone in my fetish and it didn't scar me, and provided a sexual outlet that was actually pretty safe and private and didn't put me in contact with any adults. It was a really nice pressure valve, a way to stim and zone out and regulate my breathing and get off, and finding content like that helped me to realize there was a whole big wide world out there where freaks like me could be okay.

THAT said, I can understand your experience! Porn didn't fuck me up as a kid, but I did learn some really pernicious sexual norms as a teen, because I had abstinence only education at school and I obsessively read Dan Savage's advice column Savage Love as a replacement for having any kind of credible sex ed. I used to worship Dan Savage. I met him for pancakes once, you can read about my whole complex relationship to him and his work in a very old piece I wrote pre transition here:

Dan Savage's work was really influential on me and on a lot of people of my generation. From his stuff, I learned that I should be good, giving, and game for just about anything a partner wanted -- which meant I pressured myself to do things I didn't always want to do. He normalized a kind of casual, unarticulated nonmonogamy among people of my age group including everyone I dated -- and so being open without really discussing what that meant was the norm for me from age 19 until about age 23.

Dan Savage wrote that blowjobs come standard and that any model who is not equipped with them should be returned to the lot -- thats really how he described women who didn't do oral. As broken cars. Dan Savage said that asexuals should only date other asexuals and probably werent real anyway. He said vaginas looked like canned hams dropped from great heights. He said a gay trans guy who couldnt take T for health reasons was 'delusional' for wanting to date fellow gay men. Reading Dan Savage fucked me up, and it's not even his fault -- he was just an outspoken faggot with an advice column that was always clear in reflecting his biases and agendas, and I was just a horny confused kid with no sex education and no where else to learn about sex other than porn and the back of the local alternative mag.

So, this is all a very long and meandering way of saying that I'm sorry you also got attached very young to untrustworthy sources of sexual information and that they also scarred you and left you pressured to be something you were not. I was there. I think many of my generation were and some still are. and not just the Autistics. I know so many people who got swept up in the messages that conventional porn and writers like dan savage had to peddle -- straight people, queer people, poly people, disabled people, everyone. The sad part is that Dan Savage for all his faults was still a lot more progressive than where many of my peers turned, which was sites like efukt or the predecessors to the chan sites and shit. It was brutal out there.

It's also the case that many of us Autistic people are prone to intense fixation and rumination and obsession, by neurotypical standards, sometimes to our detriment, sometimes in a completely neutral way that would cause us zero harm if it weren't for all the societal stigma and judgement. and that can mean that, especially when we are lonely and closeted teens, that we retreat into a lot of damaging digital messages and imagery, and I think a lot of bad, sexist straight porn unfortunately played that role in a lot of people's lives. My version of that was instead compulsively reading pro ana livejournals (as a teen) and then later terf detransition blogs (in my 20s). So again I don't think it's necessarily a phemoneon of porn per se, but obviously there is a lot of really toxic shit out there that has warped a lot of people's viewpoints around sex and relationships, I can't deny that.

I wish I knew what the solution was to help prevent future generations of kids from going through the kinds of damage you and I went through, but I think we are so far from being prepared as a culture to have this conversation that most attempts to broach it end up making things worse for kids in all kinds of scary new ways -- parents heavily monitoring and controlling their kids browsing habits for example. That sure as hell isn't going to help a closeted queer kid who is exploring themselves in most cases. Instead of building a world that is more liberatory and supportive to kids, we just keep trying to control them more and more, and impose more and more strict standards on them, which always hurts the weirdest and queerest among us the worse. It fucking sucks. Shit. i really am going to have to write about about child liberation one day wont i

[tookishcombeferre]

Mentopolis Theory: Part 1

Hi! 

I have finally managed to have time to watch the newest Dimension 20 - Mentopolis, and (of course) my autistic ass is obsessed with Mr. The Fix. 

Thus, it is theory time! However, beware, there are many spoilers below the cut.

So, my theory is that The Fix IS Elias Hodge (and, to a greater or lesser extent, we are our own hyperfixations.) My reasons for believing this are as follows: 

1) The Fix, like Elias, was simply a cog in a much larger machine (M. Bition and Henry of Gobstopper Industries play the same role in each of their lives.) 

2) A person's focus (fixation) is where their mind is occupied at any given time. 

3) Elias starts to take on the traits of the different cognitive functions The Fix interacts with as the series progresses. 

To address point one, the story of Elias and The Fix directly parallel each other. The Fix, as instructed by M. Bition, destroys and/or detains all thoughts that are not completely centered on the goal. Thus, The Fix basically becomes a background boogie man that no one really knows at all. He feels nothing. He puts his nose to the grind and does his job because that's what he has been told to do. 

Sound familiar? 

In the same way, Elias, instructed by Henry of Gobstopper Industries, focuses on the task that he has been given. He becomes a background character in the city in which he lives. No one sees him. No one loves him. No one really even talks to him apart from his boss. Elias feels nothing. Elias only pays attention to his work. He puts his nose to the grind and does his job because that's what he has been told to do. Elias does all this because his focus keeps his mind only on the tasks he has been assigned. Elias' focus is on his work and nothing else. 

If The Fix is Elias, then it makes perfect sense why Madame Loathing says that The Fix gives the children false hope as well as why she would say that "focusing on her only makes her stronger." Then, Brennan actually calls out this parallel when The Fix and Elias are falling out the window together. I believe Brennan says something about how The Fix actually sees himself as Elias. I finally found the quote: " You jumped through the glass. There's a scar on your face. You feel some connection to something bigger and more important than yourself." If all of this is true, what Elias/ The Big Guy focuses on in his own mind is what gets strong and nurtured. The Fix constantly destroying intrusive thoughts is what he's there for - Elias needs to do that.  Nobody wants to lick gasoline off their fingers, or eat leaves off the sidewalk, or steal birthday cake. Ya know? Like, those things are bad for us and for other people. So, in that way, The Fix does aid Elias in being human. He keeps him alive and in the good graces of others. However, The Fix slowly loses himself as Elias Hodge does because of the way Elias allows/ the world encourages Elias' "Fix" to be lose focus on what makes him human. 

This leads directly into point two: A person's focus (fixation) is where their mind is occupied at any given time. Elias' focus is perpetually narrowed in on his job. Cortisol is the only thing his brain can find because he isn't allowed to focus on (or have) dopamine, endorphins, and especially oxytocin. Coffee is everywhere, but pleasure is nowhere to be found. They're in a prohibition on oxytocin! That's the hormone that is the basis for all human connection. 

The Fix literally destroys and/or detains things that could give Elias any hope for these pleasure hormones. Indulging his childhood interests, however briefly, in Madame Loathing's orphanage is the closest Elias can get to pleasure and positive feeling. He can't kill these interests, but he also can't indulge them either. This means that Elias has no hobbies. The Fix only goes to Sugah's to destroy criminals because, as we discover, no one, apart from the orphans, even really know that he's real! The Fix is completely and solely occupied on Elias' work because that's where Elias himself is focused. Thus, The Fix and Elias are each other in the sense that Elias' focus on his work is where is mind is occupied. Elias' isn't allowed to wander, and The Fix is strictly controlled by M. Bition. This leads to Elias forgetting to focus on important things like listening to impulses that will protect him, paying attention to those impulses and desires, receiving pleasure from and giving pleasure to others, indulging our passions new and old, learning and embracing new things, and listening to the too small voices that tell us right from wrong. 

In part 2, I will break apart the Fix's relationship with each of the other characters and discuss point three in more detail. 

[crayistic]

Abit of a sad post =/

Do any critters or anyone really want to try be friends?

When I was younger I used to speak to so many people online. Im an introvert and was undiagnosed adhd and autistic at the time so it was alot easier. Had alot of people and a few main people. Some i spoke to 10 hours aday, some we video chatted even if we were getting on with our own stuff. I live in the uk and they were all in the usa. This lead to 7 and more years worth of friendships untill I got older and then decided to travel to see them. It was a huge part of my life, i went to New Jersey, new york, Chicago, LA, arizona, Las Vegas because of these friendships.

Over the last few years since i finished my university degree and masters i have been stuck in my house. My friendships have faded or ended due to decisions and directions my life went in and now i find myself unable to work, now diagnosed with adhd and autism... all of the greasing and regret that comes with that, stuck on obsessing on what used to be.

The only thing I really get joy from now is critical role, its become my special interest and even with that when I'm in bad places I get jealous of their friendship and wish I could have that... so I still can't fully be happy. I now only have 2 friends that are fickle...

So here I am, baring my soul somewhat and wondering if there are other people out there like me.. maybe you need or want a friend, I don't know. Anything at this point would be apriciated... I think I'm a good person, but after a while you start to think we'll maybe I'm not and I hate that feeling. Drop a question, or strike up a convocation if you want. Maybe you want to just reblog this if you feel the same.

Either way, if you have gotten this far, thanks for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day/night