#and then they’re going to sell it off as a crazy special effects show for the grand finale to get that last 400k following because they can

[cricketmilk]

They actually got me super hyped for the finale of Mayonaka Punch

[riveracheron]

how to stage “the tragedy of francis” (MAG 172), but like. in a normal theatre

hi this’ll have to do today @a-mag-a-day

im a theatre technician who, upon listening to the Spooky Play Statement of “Strung Out” got really into the idea of how one would Actually create the technical elements. it seems like an interesting challenge! this was the only theatre related episode with indepth description of the Spooky Stuff but if yall are interested id be happy to talk about Other Episodes and ways you can practical effects your way through the fearpocalypse :)

spoilers for mag 172 and fake blood below the cut!

rules of this:

- i am a technician, not a director. i am assuming that the play as described by jon is the script and that we need a giant spider and hooks and blood. i am not making any choices, simply describing how these effects can be done in a professional theater sense. to that end, i am also only a student; and not an expert.

- we are going as hard as possible. no substitutions, no artistic choices to pare it down, no nothing. this is the magnus archives we’re getting meta enough. alongside that, im not worrying about budget. this is broadway level shit.

- i am not putting a stage on a stage. this is just looking at the Tragedy itself and jon can go sit in the audience for all i care.

cool? lezzgo.

i. the hooks

this is a fly system! it’s mostly used for lowering and raising set pieces. oftentimes, its also used with actors to raise them into the air when flying. shows like wicked, mary poppins and peter pan use this to pull actors into the air to make it seem like they’re flying.

it’s done with wires connected to hooks connected to the actors’ bodies via straps. sound familiar?

they are often hidden with lights, but they don’t have to be- for a play that draws attention to these wires, the designer would probably draw attention to them - at least for when they start to dance around and stuff.

the hooks that attach to francis’ joints throughout the show could be flown in as well, and their costume and more strategic lighting could make it seem like they were attached to them. you can get pretty grotesque with high budget theater and special effects makeup.

ii. the spider

characters that are puppets is not a new thing in theater! one of the most famous examples is Audrey 2 in little shop of horrors- a puppet that has an actor off stage saying their lines into a microphone. the spider would also probably be the same.

there are some motorized puppets like the sandworm in beetlejuice the musical, but most are person-controlled, which works best for speaking puppets as show to show, peoples way of speaking can change from show to show, and the puppet needs to be able to keep up, and motorized puppets can be out of sync.

this video is a good making-of process for a giant speaking monster puppet, and i assume the spider would be the same, just much higher. there would probably be a false ceiling like the false wall above, and the puppeteers would sit above to operate the legs as if they were dangling.

it would probably be also attached to a fly system for easy lowering as the scene goes on.

iii. minor things

- the blood would come from “strawberries”, little packs of blood hidden under actors’ costumes that they can burst when needed. theres also a capsule version that one can put in the mouth and bite down on.

this is an example from the 2019 production of oklahoma, and a good look at blood strawberries and what they do

- the spider-drink would probably be done with. fake edible spiders, lots of scuttling noises from the soundboard and lights that hide the fact that they are not moving, perhaps with strobe or something crazy. the spider rain would probably be the same, but with stagehands pouring spiders down from the catwalks.

- other characters would also be off stage with mics.

- good actors will sell a Lot of this. even if the new hooks and stuff don’t touch them, they can definitely make it seem like they do.

sooooo um yeah! as much as this episode made me sick - i love technical theatre and this was a fun infodump !! take this um. as you will ig. please stage safely !! blood packs can stain and fly systems can be unsafe so please. don’t try this at home. or at least get a professional to help

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Wizard of Speed and Time (1989)

There will never be another film like The Wizard of Speed and Time. Even if Mike Jittlov hopped in a time machine, reassembled the original cast, used the same equipment, the same locations and shot the film using the same techniques on the same budget, it could never be duplicated. Difficult to track down unless you know where to find it - at which point it becomes ridiculously easy to view - it’s got that “lightning in a bottle” quality.

Based on his original short film, writer, cinematographer, animator, composer Mike Jittlov plays himself as he attempts to create a short film highlighting his DIY special effects techniques for a TV network special. He’s a complete unknown and more than a little odd, prompting the executives to place a bet on whether Jittlov will meet the deadline.

A childlike sense of enthusiasm, giddiness and pleasant naivete radiates from every frame of The Wizard of Speed and Time. As you might’ve guessed, Mike Jittlov is essentially playing himself. He creates and then sells the film he made in 1979 to a system which has stomped all potential for off-the-wall thinkers and radicals with its unions, business models and rules. He’s ambitious and gullible. Of course making a movie isn’t as easy as he expects it to be. Although the obstacles standing in his way are recognizable to us onlookers as completely necessary - although perhaps a little restrictive - he nonetheless brings you to his side. You want nothing more than for him to overcome the odds and show the world what wild abandon can do.

You know the movie is going to get made because you’re watching the movie the real-life Mike Jittlov made. This makes his triumphs feel like your own. The meta aspect turns The Wizard of Speed and Time into an experience rather than a story you simply watch. If he can make his dream come true, so can you. You can “see the strings” in all of the special effects sequences - that’s to say you know how they were done - but it doesn’t matter. Your jaw drops seeing them because you know this man did it all on his own. More than that; he invented the techniques. Particularly striking is the stop-motion animation - the best of which features Jittlov himself as the titular Wizard.

This picture is inspirational and hilarious. It’s big and wild and colourful and cheerful and clever. Watch it a half-dozen times and I bet you’ll still discover previously unseen jokes tucked away in the corners of the screen. Rather than self-congratulating and self-important, it’s a humble little picture that never takes itself too seriously and takes every opportunity to make fun of how crazy it is.

The number of successful gags makes the film’s lack of a proper DVD release even more disappointing. You want to be able to pause and take a look at what’s written on those sheets of paper on the wall in the background, or turn on subtitles to make sure you don’t miss a thing while the room is filled with laughter. Be honest; you’d never heard of this movie before and it’s largely faded away… except to the die-hard fans who, frustrated with the studio’s utter lack of enthusiasm when it came to a new home release, created a version you can find online - all with Jitlov's approval.

The Wizard of Speed and Time isn’t just a movie. It’s has romance, humour, likeable characters, crowd scenes, chase scenes, special effects, etc. but they're used in wholly original ways. To watch it is to open up an old cardboard box in your attic and rediscover your favourite toy all over again. (On VHS, May 10, 2019)

[valentinsylve]

This whole interview really thrills me because I want to hear about all the stuff that goes into the making of a grand scale work of television cinema like this. None of it should work and the people working on it make the magic.

Tell me about the writers’ room because the writing on this show is so uniquely stylish and impressive. It’s a lot of broken Christmas toys that I’ve collected. I ask, What broken playwrights can I drag into this thing? There were a lot of great, individual voices in the room, but it’s Anne Rice that sets it up. The language is there. I don’t think we’re doing anything remarkably different than Anne did. If there’s one thing, we probably have a little bit more humor than that first book has. But the later books have it! That first book, especially toward the end, can get wildly nihilist, which is harder to sell to network executives. So you’re trying to figure out a way through, and a lot of the time that means humor, and having writers and actors that can turn on a dime and still keep these things threaded.

What has been unique about the process of making this show that allows it to be so fucking weird compared to the rest of TV right now? First is that you get to write language. Whether you grew up with Shakespeare, or Deadwood was your favorite show ever, the idea that you can finally have this freedom to write language is very exciting.

Another aspect is that we don’t necessarily have the money that everybody else has, but we do have a lot of money. So we problem-solve — like, “How do you do a giant fight when you don’t have enough time? Oh, let’s do it from Claudia’s point of view!” And we always try to keep the stakes a little bit more grounded. It’s TV, and it’s dramatic storytelling, so it always comes back to casting and to actors. No one’s watching it to hear our writing or to see our little special effects. It’s about characters, and it’s about actors. The basic building blocks of this show are great scenes for great actors. You’re always looking for the unique backdoor to the story.

It really shouldn’t work. It was not supposed to. It was rigged to fail. Let me praise the people who are line-producing on this show. We are writing 17- and 18-day scripts, and we’re shooting these in 12 to 14 days, very creatively. Sometimes we probably don’t have enough time to pull it off, but everybody’s really, really creative about how to jam in these very ambitious scenes. They’re vampires. They kill somebody every day. They’re just not going to have normal conversations or do normal things. You start there as a dramatist, and you just go forward. It’s always some weird-ass thing. I have no idea how we do it.

You’ve alluded to the production being challenging. What was the most difficult thing to pull off this season? Scene-wise, the scene in the rain when Lestat disappears and the role reversals that happen between Louis and Armand. That, and the balcony scene from season one, where we had the worst sound imaginable, are some of the most heroic bits of postproduction you’ve ever seen.

We also made the idiotic mistake, out of enthusiasm for getting the show back on, of shooting in Prague with the least amount of night possible. We don’t have 12 hours; we have six hours of night. It’s a vampire show! The calendar is not friendly to us. So we had to shoot over two nights. If you saw the raw footage we had for the scene on the park bench, and how we had to shoot it … On a logistical level, that scene is a miracle.

Were you writing more to the actors this season, knowing their strengths and takes on the characters from season one? All you have to work off of when you’re writing on a first season is auditions. On our crazy little show, we made this ridiculous pivot. Fifty days out, we were told to take the first four episodes and make them eight and then make them seven while we were prepping and shooting. It was crazy. We were really smart about the scenes that we had people do for auditions, and we did a lot of chemistry reads. So the actors already knew each other and started relationships prior to the show. Then in season two, there’s the challenge of: Suddenly you’re writing the 112th scene of Louis du Lac, and you don’t want to deliver stuff your actors have already done. You’re really trying to push them.

And then we had a big recast of Claudia for scheduling reasons, and our casting director lets us drop in Ben Daniels and Roxane Duran. There was a chance we weren’t going to get Ben Daniels as Santiago because of this Lord of the Rings thing, but I was like, “That’s our guy. We’ll figure out how to do it.” I definitely walked away from this season thinking, I’ll probably never have a cast like this for the rest of my life. I feel very grateful and very fortunate.

Ben and Roxane’s characters, Santiago and Madeline, are fairly minor in the book. In the show, they’re fleshed-out, major players. How did you approach building out these characters? The movie had wonderful actors and a very terrific director, but they had two hours to jam it all in. The gift of TV is you have this extra time. There are a couple of challenges, though, especially when we split the book into two seasons. You’re gonna have two problems: There’s no plot in the second half of this book, and two of your major characters — Daniel and Lestat — disappear for 200 pages.

That’s frustrating to begin with, but it’s an opportunity. There’s not a lot of plot, so we structured it around dialogue: How can we creatively get to this point where Armand says this? It’s just a different way of writing. In other adaptations, you have a lot of action, so you have to figure out, What do they say in between? It’s just putting on a different thinking cap, but you’re still jackhammering the book to come up with these things. We just got lucky that we get more time to sit with characters.

I want to ask about how the Theatre des Vampires came to be. Did you have a Pinterest inspo board of references and aesthetics you were pulling from? About 15 years ago, I saw the theater company 1927 in a 100-seat black box in Battersea Park. They did a show called The Animals & Children Took to the Streets, and I remembered it forever. When I was in my theater days, I was calling up artistic directors like, “You’ve gotta bring these fuckers over here! These guys, they’re incredible!” So I always knew I wanted them to do the Theatre.

And it worked out, timeline-wise. Two of our coven members, Estelle and Celeste, are the founding members of that company. So you get them, and you get [production designer] Mara LePere-Schloop, and you chart out the timeline. Each character in the coven gets a little moment in the stage show. You gotta sneak Sam in there, because Sam is very important for the plot. You have to hide that for a while. You set a pattern, you bring the artists together, and then you get the hell out of the way.

We would write the text for the plays within the plays with the promise that you’re barely going to see half of these things we have. Those are five-minute-long plays, and you see ten seconds of them onstage. We didn’t have enough time to actually shoot them, but I thought it would have been great to have as extras. My writers’ room is almost exclusively playwrights. We all come from the theater. Most of our actors are theater people. So we all dorked out and forced everybody to deal with this theater-kid fever dream and 9,000 stupid insider theater jokes. I apologize to anybody who didn’t go to theater school that they had to suffer through it.

honestly, this might be my favorite thing that rolin jones has said about the show [x]

[moemoemammon]

Following that "least favorite" request could we get their reactions to being to told that they're their favorite, but to not tell the other brothers so their feelings don't get hurt? Maybe because they relate to them the most or just get along really well. Thanks!

You're My Favorite! But Don't Tell the Others-

(Feat. GN!MC and the Demon Bros)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

There are no words to explain the overwhelming satisfaction ion Lucifer’s face after you tell him that. Of course, it’s only natural that he would be your favorite, all things considered.

The Avatar of Pride won’t ever forget this moment. He carefully considers your words and agrees not to tell anyone, as much as he’d love to bring it up, because he knows more than anyone what kind of chaos would ensue should the others (especially Mammon) find out.

But they can tell something’s up when the eldest has been heard humming all day. He moves about the house with even more grace than usual, and hasn’t scowled even once.

But the REAL shocker was when Mammon tried hiding a bill right as Lucifer walked in... and the eldest let him off with a warning. A WARNING! The brothers thought the Devildom must’ve frozen over, but you and he knew different.

“MC, I would like you to accompany me to Le Pluvier this afternoon, once you've finished your studies. I've already made reservations, so be sure to get ready on time. I've made sure to consider the things you might like to eat, so I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself. Don't be late." "...I'm grinning? I don't know what you're talking about."

Mammon

The gigantic grin on Mammon’s face is so bright, it could rival the sun. You’ve seriously made his day. No, his year. Actually, he’s pretty sure he could ride this high for the next millennia! There’s nothing in this world that could dampen his spirits right now! 

He feels like he just won big at the casino! Of course he’s your favorite! He WAS your first demon, and now he’s gone and claimed his rightful spot as your number one! Good luck trying to keep him from saying anything. Mammon’s gonna throw it around in everyone’s faces for as long as he can milk it.

And you thought he was clingy before, just wait till you see how he treats you after hearing that. Despite always calling you his ‘servant’ or his ‘human’, you’d  think your roles were reversed. Mammon spoils you every chance he gets, buying you clothes and trinkets, filling the spaces in your room with the things he knows you like, monopolizing you completely until nearly everything you own is a gift from him.

Your words also help soothe that jealousy of his a little. Only a little, though. It’s easier to watch you talk to other demons when he knows he’ll always be your first man.

“Didja really have to stay after class that long? I know you were talkin' to that demon that lent you a book, but you outta ask ME for stuff! Tch... you're lucky I'm in a good mood today! But I guess I don't have to worry about some low level demon like that, seein' as I'm your favorite!"

Levi

Wait wait wait....Come again? Did you seriously just say what he think you said..? That had to be a mistake! Some kind of...uh..verbal typo! Because there’s absolutely, positively, NO WAY in all of the nine layers that he could be your favorite demon. And yet you still insist that you’re telling the truth, and Levi feels like he’s died and gone to heaven. 

Red faced and stammering up a storm, Levi looks like he might die. Is it really okay for a shut-in otaku to feel this giddy? Seriously, he hasn’t felt like this since he got his hands on a signed copy of a Ruri Hana audio drama! No no, this definitely beats that!

You’ve managed to inflate his nearly nonexistent ego, and now he feels like there’s nothing he can’t do! Maybe he could even go to Majolish right now?? THAT’S how good he’s feeling!

Almost as bad as Mammon in keeping it a secret. He doesn’t tell anyone right away, but they’re suspicious when they notice how much time he’s spending out of his room. And then when he and Mammon get in another petty argument, he drops the bomb that he’s your favorite demon in the entire Devildom, and you can guess how things go from there.

“Uuuoooo...!!!!! I've decided..! Since I've got a serious stat buff, I'm going to open a booth at the next convention coming up..! I'll sell my Ruri-chan fan art and spread her influence all over the Devildom! I'd never have the guts to do it normally, but I feel like I could do anything right now! Y-you'll go too, won't you MC?"

Satan

You nearly made this man spit tea all over his book, and now he’s coughing and spluttering and trying to figure out what could’ve prompted what he’s taking as a confession. You.. do realize what you’re saying, don’t you? And you know the kind of effect your words have on him?

Satan isn’t the type that wears his heart on his sleeve, so you have to look for his subtle expressions to tell how he’s feeling. But there’s nothing subtle about the redness of his ears and how he’s begging you not to look at him right now. For the sake of his sanity, give him a minute to recoup.

When he does recover, he agrees to keep it a secret for obvious reasons. And it’s hard to tell that he’s in a good mood, other than the fact that he hasn’t tried to pull any pranks on Lucifer lately. But Asmo sees all, and literally hounds him into spilling the tea.

He tells him a lie of course, but now the other brothers are noticing just how happy he is. Satan's smiling way too much today, isn't he? And he didn't even get mad when Beel got whipped cream on his jacket! Well, not THAT mad, anyway.

"Haaah... everyone's been harassing me all day, claiming I'm smiling a lot. I'm sure I look the same as I always do, but I'll admit that I've been happy ever since you told me that this morning. Wait.. you did think I've been grinning too, do you? I have??"

Asmo

Asmo always jokes about being your favorite and announces it as if the two of you are married, but when you actually confirm that his longing for you isn’t one sided, he ends up smearing lip balm across his cheek in shock. Did you... really say that just now? He knew it all along, but hearing it like that is just...!

Ooooh, he’s so happy he can hardly contain himself! Asmo throws his arms around you, peppering your face in kisses until you feel sticky from lip balm, wipes your face clean, then marks it up all over again. Good luck getting rid of him, because he might never let go.

Immediately posts it to Devilgram. Did you really think he’d let such a momentous occasion go unannounced? You must not have been paying attention to the kind of person he is! Asmo would put you on a pedestal in front of the world like a precious jewel if he were able, but this’ll have to do. He won’t hide his love at all!

Of course, the others don’t take too kindly to it, not that he cares. He never leaves your side, pampers you like crazy, and has even attempted to get you to move into his room. Lucifer put an immediate stop to that, though. Boo...

“I just can't get enough of you, MC! Just being near you gets me so excited that I can hardly stand it! You'll take responsibility for what you're doing to me, won't you? And in exchange, I'll take my time showing you just how much I love you. After all, you're my favorite, too!"

Beel

Beel never has a problem with choking while he eats, and it comes as naturally as breathing. Unfortunately neither of that applies right now, since you just made him choke on a meatball sub.

He usually takes your words with quiet acceptance, but this might be the most emotion you've ever witness from the stoic demon. His eyes are wider than that time that laid on an entire gingerbread mansion, sparkling up with such deep emotion you wouldn't be surprised if he cried. Instead he softens up and immediately embraces you.

...And doesn't let go. Sandwich long forgotten, he's been carrying you around all day, and ignoring any questions or protests from his brothers. Also insists on feeding you throughout the day. The food tastes better when he can enjoy it with you, so why not just bring you everywhere?

When he isn't carrying you, he's following you around subconsciously, either close up against you like a protective wall, or just far enough that you're within his line of sight. As far as not telling anyone, he... tells Belphie immediately. It was an accident though, since there's not much he keeps from his twin.

"MC, I won a meal ticket for Godevil Chocolatier. Let's get something for dessert today. Ah, you can get as much as you want, too. I really want to see what things you choose. They might become my favorites."

Belphie

There's nothing in this world that can wake Belphegor from his sleep, unless he allows it. No loud noises, no amount of shaking or smacking, and not even dragging him around the house. But the moment you whisper that he's your favorite demon, the Avatar of Sloth is wide awake.

Hey, you're not just saying weird things to get a reaction, are you? Because if so, this is a new level of cruel. Yet you confirm that you mean it and swear him into secrecy, and Belphie tries his best not to show how happy he is. A smile keeps creeping up on his face that he struggles to force down. It's annoying...

As funny as it’d be to tell everyone the news, he's good at keeping secrets. Instead, you've noticed that he's been sleeping a little less that before. When he does take one of his hundreds of naps, he finds some way to be closer to you. He's even been seen sleepwalking to your exact location somehow-

It's hard for him to believe that you're not teasing, though. How could HE be your favorite demon here? Belphie doesn't do anything special to win you over, yet after everything he put you through, you like him enough to deep him your favorite?

"You're weird, MC. I mean... me? I won't deny that I'm really happy though, but I guess I'm in disbelief. You should spoil me even more until I believe you. Lend me your lap for a few hours, okay?" "...I wonder what Lucifer would think if I told him, heheh."

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 05 (second part)

(Masterpost) (Continued from Episode 05 first part, over here)

Breaking News: Zewu-Jun Continues to be Handsome

Just. Look at that man. 

Water Ghost Field Trip

Lans Xichen and Wangji are going ghost hunting and the Yunmeng boys want in. For a simple "can we come?" conversation, a whole lot happens here. Lan Wangji uses his mouth to say he definitely does not want these boys to come while using the rest of his face to secretly beg his brother to invite them.

Corporate recruiter Wei Wuxian advocates for Wen Qing, talking up her skills, and then does the same for Wen Ning.  He pays careful attention to what everyone is good at, and advocates specifically based on their abilities. While Wen Ning makes heart eyes at him.  

That’s my future dark master

Wei Wuxian also promises to protect Wen Ning, which he ultimately does for the rest of his first life. Wen Qing gives both Jiang boys a genuine sweet smile, and dismantles another anti-WWX ward or two, while still being very protective of her brother's secret.

Lan Xichen says yes to everybody. Lan Xichen is that indulgent elder sibling who's just a bit too old to play with you after school, but will take you to the park when he isn't too busy with varsity and debate club. [OP mentally hugs her third older brother]

Back at the Inn

Fastidious local boy dislikes dust; plans to build house on corpse pile

They get to town and Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian check into a room together. LAN XICHEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Each of these boys came to this town with his own brother, but they are rooming together, how did this even happen?

(more after the cut)

Does this mean Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng are rooming together? and if so are they going to have a hot but ultimately meaningless one-night stand while each pines for the person they truly desire? 

Wen Qing is rooming with her own brother, and the other hot girl cultivators stayed back in Gusu. Wen Qing never catches a break.

The innkeeper tells the Hardy Boys cultivators that there’s a shark ghosts in the lake and they’re going to have to close the beaches in the middle of July, oh dear. 

Lan Wangji takes a lingering look at one of the beds and then goes to sit at the desk. Wei Wuxian tries to chat with him, fails, and goes and lies down on the bed.  They’re not quite getting along yet but they’re moving in that direction, like when you bring a shelter cat home and introduce it to your established cat. Wei Wuxian is obviously the stray tabby in this metaphor, while Lan Wangji is one of those stuck-up Blue Russians. 

Physically they are setting the template for many of their future domestic interactions, in which in which Lan Wangji meditates or plays guqin at his desk while Wei Wuxian lays in bed recovering from his latest physical or spiritual injury. 

Walk from Dock to Dock

Instead of taking a boat from the dock directly outside the inn, the cultivators walk through a bunch of random countryside.  How does anyone around here sell their fish, if the lake isn’t next to the town?

Wei Wuxian chats with Lan Xichen, laying out his case for why all the recent weirdness is connected. Lan Wangji, who has been shut out of his brother’s thinking on all of this, listens super carefully. Lan Xichen straight up lies and says “nuh-uh” and then walks faster to get away, so Wei Wuxian tries grilling Lan Wangji instead.

At this point WWX reveals that he, terrifyingly, shares Lan Xichen’s ability to tell what Lan Wangji is thinking by looking at his face.

Lan Wangji distracts him by pouring out his wine. This isn't LWJ being puritanical; he's escaping from the conversation by using the power of pettiness.

This works perfectly, getting Wei Wuxian to completely drop the subject and allowing Lan Wangji to make a run for it.

Note: Lan Wangji may have just now made up the “No Liquor on Night Hunts” rule, because Wei Wuxian asks him “why don’t I know that?” and if anyone knows Lan Clan rules at this point, it’s Wei Wuxian. 

R-A-G-G M-O-P-P Rag Mop

They take a bunch of boats and all stand in the middles of the boats while they use magic, presumably, to move the boats and also to keep from falling the fuck over because you're not supposed to stand up in a boat, assholes.

Cue JAWS music.

Wei Wuxian cleverly spots a rag mop on Lan Wangji’s boat. I would like to know where the Department of Dubious Effects sources their goddamn nerve, because we are in Classic Doctor Who territory with these mop monsters.

Wei Wuxian is out here being impressive, and Lan Wangji is doing his good goddamnest to not be impressed, and to be a sulky bitch while he's at it. He rejects Wei Wuxian’s explanation for why he splashed water on his boat, and rejects this friendly shoulder bump, telling Wei Wuxian to stay away from him.

Look at how Wei Wuxian reacts to that. He is dangerously close to being done with Lan Wangji’s bullshit.

He is opening the fight playbook here. He takes a big ol’ step over the boundary that Lan Wangji just set, which means the first phase has begun.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the not-at-all suggestive framing and prop placement in that shot.

Lan Xichen is amused at these two extremely deadly extremely horny youngsters getting ready to kill and/or make out with each other.

Suibian

Before this can turn into a fight, the water mops start attacking and Wei Wuxian gets to show off his sword skills. 

Wei Wuxian’s crazy high level of cultivation always makes Lan Wangji weak in the knees, which is part of why it’s so distressing for LWJ when WWX gives up the sword during the Sunshot campaign.  Cultivation is the heart of their romance, and while Dark Wei Ying is also a high-level cultivator, Lan Wangji isn’t ready to share his narrow path until much later. 

Lan Wangji is impressed enough to ask Wei Wuxian about his sword, and is rewarded with the most Wei Wuxian answer ever, as he explains why he named his sword “Whatever.” 

The important relationship being shown in this moment is not Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, but Wei Wuxian and Suibian. You can see how he loves it and it's like he's talking about his pet. 

And it loves him back, as we later learn. This comfortable symbiosis is part of what he gives up when he sacrifices his core.

Jiang Cheng gets injured by a seaweed mop and Dr. Wen hops over to help him and look at his leg, leaving Wen Ning alone in his boat. This doesn't actually cause a problem for Wen Ning because he's a very strong cultivator. 

Later, as the Ghost General, he's more formidable than any other fierce corpse out there, and he is harder for Xue Yang to control than Song Lan is. Which means he’s right now he’s probably one of the more powerful cultivators of his generation in spite of his youth and his wandering-soul problem. 

Dance of the Water Ghosts

Now things start to get dicey. Wen Ning notices the color of the water is wrong and Lan Wangji correctly deduces what the water ghosts are doing. Then Wei Wuxian correctly identifies the water demon. As a corporate teambuilding exercise this is going very well, but as a night hunt it is maybe a little more dangerous than expected. 

Lan Wangji says everyone needs to ride their swords and all of the actors fling their arms out in a T and pretend they’re not just standing there in front of the camera. It’s so fucking ridiculous I can’t even.

However, it’s even worse when they show them standing on the swords. It’s SO MUCH WORSE when they show them standing on the swords.

Back to Corporate Strengths Finder 2.0: Su She has no strengths, just weaknesses. Instead of riding his sword he wants to take one last swipe at a rag mop. He sends his sword into the water and it loses its bluetooth connection and he can't get it to come back out.

The entire group of Lan clan disciples hop up into the air on their swords and not one of them tries to help Su She, which is hilarious.  

Sweet baby Wen Ning, however, being a good lad, does go help him, and gets possessed, oops. 

Wei Wuxian grabs Wen Ning and flinches when he sees his white eyes, but hangs on to him. 

When Lan Wangji sees that Wei Wuxian is in danger he makes this face and goes and grabs him and Su She.

A hilarious midair conversation ensues, along with some relationship negotiation. Wangji is touch starved and aims to keep it that way. At least in public.

Lan Xichen fires up the battle flute and seals the water demon and oh my god how is he so elegant and beautiful?

What’s Wrong With The Baby

Wei Wuxian back at the Inn is checking on Wen Ning in a genuinely concerned way, having basically signed on as a co-elder sibling at this point, sensing that Wen Ning is broken. Wei Wuxian is friendly with everybody but he's particularly protective of anyone who's hurt.

Wen Qing shows up and tells him quite directly to get the fuck out, but he surprises her by understanding what's up with Wen Ning and making it clear that he's on her side as far as care for Wen Ning goes, while he still knows that she's up to something.

Giving Gifts to Girls, Yunmeng Brothers Style

Wei Wuxian: I deduced that your beloved brother has no personal firewall and can be possessed easily in spite of his high cultivation level, so I used my expertise to make a special talisman that can protect him from invasion by hostile entities. Here, even if you and I are sorta enemies I want him to have this. Also I’m going to throw in a casual acknowledgement of your professional expertise.

Jiang Cheng: I bought you a comb

Squeeze This

Wei Wuxian tosses an approximately testicle-sized loquat fruit to Lan Wangji and Lan Wangji catches it without looking, and an ENORMOUS romantic music cue swells up. 

Then he rejects it and throws it back. He doesn't, of course, just avoid catching it in the first place because that wouldn’t be elegant and pointed enough. In a later episode, when they begin travelling together, Wei Wuxian will announce his presence in this same way, throwing a loquat fruit at to Lan Wangji, who will catch it and keep it.

Wei Wuxian tosses the rejected loquat over to Jiang Cheng, who catches it, not realizing he is going to be Wei Wuxian’s second choice man in every instance from this point onward. 

Outtro

Soundtrack

Jaws music obvs

WuJi aka Wanxian which is playing constantly when they are in the library, presumably this is the sound in LWJ’s head

Lookin’ Out My Back Door by CCR

Nothing, from A Chorus Line

Rag Mop by the Ames Brothers (warning before you google it: this will give you a permanent earworm)

Writing prompt: Nie Huaisang and Jiang Cheng explore Gusu while WWX is stuck in the library  

Restless Rewatch Episode 06 is here!

[franki-lew-yo]

I really hate 2d purists. No, not 2d animation. Not 2d animators.

2d purists.

The sad thing is it’s gotten to the point that I really cringe hearing any pro-2D sentiment at all. I hate the arguments I agree with because how often they're misused and weaponized by idiots.

Let me make my stance here clear - 2d is NOT appreciated and 3d is used for everything! The layman Karen-mom who doesn’t have an artistic bone in her body looks at stupidsmooth 3D Grubhub ads and assumes quality cause it “looks more real” (aka ‘rendered’). I know as much is true because I literally have a member of my family who told my sister and I that she thinks 3d is better (and also that she “tolerated THOSE movies for us kids”. Touching words. My sister was taking an animation course by the way). Combined that with the studios either using 2D for cheap stuff or finding good 2d animation too “costly”, I get it and I’m not even any animator. I'm just a worm an illustrator.

but holy HELL -

There’s a backlash from the artistic community that's it's own kind of insufferable and deserve to be addressed.

“(insert2Danimatedfilm) is better BECAUSE it's 2D!”

followed by: "Animation is a visual medium and the quality of the art affects how much the story means !!!!”  

Yes. Totally. Animation is a visual medium and the look and style is important. Sadly, people use this excuse to really obnoxious ends, insisting that design being pretty is '' everything ''. When you treat a movie more as a special effects demo I get why you talk about the artistry at hand; but I’m sorry, visuals are not the only thing important and it’s why I’m also getting sick of the sameElsafacesyndrome rants too! There’s this attitude that's reads as "but it LOOKS better fromaproductionimage/teasertrailerwhichapparentlyisindicativeof all themovieactuallyis so it MUST BE better".

-“3D should only be used to make things look realistic!”

I think I know the logic this criticism is made in response to, and that’s the Sony + Illumination films which look just as good in 2D as they do in three dimensions. I know it feels like people are twisting this medium to try and make it like a classic cartoon when by all means people can and would love a classic cartoon being a classic cartoon. That I get- From the unsung 2D animator’s perspective, that’s more than valid !

But it’s a huuuuuuge slap in the face to 3d in saying it should only be used for "realistic animation" because

1: It’s not like realistic animation could age badly or look uncanny in the next few years. It's almost like technology is constantly improving, which I guess 2d animation never did and it was always the same technique and quality as every film that came after it.

2: The industry does treat 3d as a magic-moneymaker for this reason. Just listen to these people call the 2019 LION KING “live action” as if they’re embarrassed to call it animation. It IS animation! It would be impressive if you acknowledged that what it is, but like the CATS, you basically are treating it as just a neato tool to better your live action and not it's own artform - which it is!

3: By this “three-deeonly gud when real liek in da toystories” non-logic I guess 2d should ONLY be for flowyflowy SPACE JAM cartoons and maybe some Disney*. Just that though. You can’t do anything more with 2d. It’s never supposed to be realistic I guess. Good thing Richard Williams only did 'toons' and just toons that’s why we need 3d in the world I guess.

Wait no - that’s stupid.

"I HAVE to see the “Land Before Time 14″ when it comes out! I mean it’s a 2D animated film!"

Lost in the aether that is Youtube comment chains removed from kid's videos is a stream of this very VERY stupid argument supporting the buying of the 14th LAND BEFORE TIME film because it’s supporting 2D. My sister and I can be found on that chain arguing against this stupidity. All you have is my word, but trust me: it really did happen.

I’m sorry but...no.

Unless you have a friend or a family member who worked on these movies there’s no reason to see this and ESPECIALLY no reason to insist it’s a win for the 2D community if you buy up this crap - and I'm not judging if you do like it, but come on! LAND BEFORE TIME 14 isn't where your money should go if you really like this medium.

What’s so infuriating about this argument is you can tell it’s made by nonanimators. Real animators will tell you to support their movies cause they want some respect for their artform which is why there’s such a push from the PRINCESS AND THE FROGcrowd that you SEE and LOVE every 2d thing out there, regardless of how good it is because any recognition for it is k i n d o f what they're after!

Kiddy sequel schlock isn’t even in the same ballpark as KLAUS or WOLFWALKERS; these films DID have very limited theatrical runs (Klaus so it could be nominated; Wolfwalkers in places where theaters opened up after Covid) and should have been supported because they were labors of love made by people who love animation.

As other people have already pointed out, one of the reasons for the lack of interest in 2000sera2D animation is that the only films released alongside critical+financial 3D hits were cheaper 2D films that either coincided with daytime tv shows or should have been just direct-to-video. It’s not to say art couldn’t come out of these flicks, but dayum if it wasn’t abused as much as the texture software that era's CG used... Point being, should the world ever go back to normal: If you hear about an out-of-town showing an acclaimed 2D animated film, make time to trek out and see THAT!

Don’t give your money to see yet another made-for-tv movie on the big screen because all that tells the studio is: “yeah 2d IS cheap and only good for cheap stuff let’s just keep it cheap. Only 3d is important 8D 8D 8D !!!"

“I don’t understand how it works. So it sucks.”

This text is from an ANIMATOR btw.

“I don’t understand how it works” and “it’s just some computer rendering” is the exact same wave of logic the people who prefer cgi use.

The plebian Karen I mentioned earlier? She understands the basics of 2D animation as much as you did from one of those cruddy flash classes you took in middle-school. She 'understands' the basics cuz she watched how it was made on the DVD features or maybe back on the WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY. To her, the illusion is broken and she’s not impressed by 'just some drawings on paper'. You, an animator, know the process is more complicated and is intrigued by knowing how it’s made - not bored or disinterested -

Neither you nor Aunt Karen have really good cg-animation software at your house and unless you ARE a 3D animator you probably DON’T know all the ins-and-outs of how these movies are modeled, rendered, and animated.

Aunt Karen is bedazzled by them cause she doesn’t know how it works and the technical aspect makes her brain hurt so it might as well be magic and she can feel like a cool kid sharing Minion-memes. Aunt Karen is the nonartistic type who just wants to feel safe. You're not. You want to feel challenged.

I get it: you’re pissed off cause you’re in a field no one, including Aunt Karen, appreciates; told to work in cg which it's an artform you didn’t devote your life to and told to learn it cause THIS style sells! 3D is everywhere and is starting to look like 'garbage' even if you don’t animate 3D models yourself you just KNOW, I guess. Besides, you know all there is to know about 2d!! You know all there is to possibly know about this artform and have to fight this 'war' against "r e a l" animation! And I mean even when 3d software is there to use, it's not like you can actually make anything worth while in it, especially not anything that transcends the medium. Right Worthikids?

TL;DR: This argument is basically just " BWAAAAH I’M NOT GONNA USE IT I HAVE STANDARDS (a chip on my shoulder cuz art should be what I deem it to be) "

“PRINCESS AND THE FROG is-”

There’s a reason I can’t say I truly like PRINCESS AND THE FROG even though it's not even a bad movie! Like, stop reading this and watch PATF if you haven't it's good. It's my 'FROZEN', in that; I see a lot of potential in it I just think it needs some serious rewriting and that bugs me. Always have felt that way, tbh.

I dislike this movie because the response from the animation community seems to be it was perfect and the Academy was just Pixar-crazy with UP ((ftr, the Academy IS Pixar’s bitch and I personally advocate a sequel be made to WAKING SLEEPING BEAUTY about Mike Eisner’s sabotage of the 2D department at Disney which is still in place now!- but that’s a story for another day)). I’m sorry but UP was just a better story. So was CORALINE. So was FANTASTIC MR. FOX. Honest to god it feels like poor PATF is brought up as just a talking point and never for it's own worth as a labor of love - which it was! I'd like to honestly know: had PRINCESS AND THE FROG come out now and been cg if it would have even half the defenders for it because now it doesn't "look" like how a Disney movie "should" look...

If you like PatF more than the currant Disney lineup because of it's culture, it's music, it's feminism, it's black representation? Awesome. Great. Those things should be appreciated and I never want that taken away from you. But if you seriously think PatF is better just for how it was animated and looks - I lowkey may hate you.

“ALL OF DISNEY’S LATEST MOVIES SHOULD HAVE BEEN 2D! THEY ALL LOOK AWFUL IN 3D!! ALL OF THEM!”

TANGLED, FROZEN, and MOANA? Yeah. Sure. But um, e x c u s e y o u- WRECK IT RALPH sooooo doesn’t work in 2d! It could have used different between the various worlds but it’s about hopping through different video games. I’m also of the opinion that ZOOTOPIA and BIG HERO 6 are fine the way they are. Their 3d is awesome.

The latest fairy tale Disney films are really big on their place alongside the 2D canon esp in marketing. They keep trying to mimic 2D to varying results though I don't think it works as well as the movie's I'd previously mentioned. Me personally, I would love a mix of 3D and 2D technology, like if the backgrounds in FROZEN still got to be 3D but the characters were handdrawn and shaded ala KLAUS ((sweet sigh)). But even then are they truly unwatchable just based on how they're animated to you?

MOANA would have been incredible in 2D but for the record - I don't think it feels out of place in it's style. It reminds me more of a Pixar movie with the heart of a Disney classic which is it's own just as good.

“2D is the oldest form of animation and it’s being replaced.”

Actually, if we’re talking animation in film, stop motion is the earliest form of animation. The stop motion animated THE ADVENTURES OF PRINCE ACHMED and TALE OF THE FOX predate Disney’s SNOW WHITE. And yes: stop-motion IS still a form of animation even if it’s a serious of pictures taken of real life things and not drawings, so don’t you dare come at me with the "but that's not animated"/"Technically it’s LIVE ACTION" crap or I’ll envoke the spirit of Sandman to get you at night.

“Every animated film would look better in 2D! Even PIXAR would look better in 2D!”

Again, Stop Motion.

No, I mean it.

Lemme ask: Would ISLE OF DOGS or FANTASTIC MR. FOX carry any of the same effect if they were generic 90s toons? I know NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS wouldn’t. Christ, don’t even get me started on Svankmajer!

Sometimes the problem is that a movie is envisioned with a specific artform in mind. Pixar started out with toys and bugs for a reason and that’s cuz they were always gonna be a 3d studio and they needed to first overcome the placisity of the models. Over the years they’ve gotten really good at effects and blending unrealistic proportions with real textures (and also not so much- ONWARD and THE GOOD DINOSAUR really needed some different character designs and yeah, I do think would have looked better with a 2d artstyle, but not the ones they had in their films. THE GOOD DINOSAUR needed more realistic-speculative looking dinos and ONWARD needed a grittier HEAVY METAL/BLACK CAULDRON appeal to its designs.) My point being that the problems with these movies aren’t even inherently the animation as much as it is a problem of style. As someone who runs a group speculating different styles and designs for movies and tv shows I’m all for envisioning a 2D ZOOTOPIA or Bluth-inspired FNAF. That’s amazing!

But that’s also the talk of fan artists and nerds and not the professional artists working on visualizing their stories!!

Since I ate, slept, and breathed NIGHTMARE in my youth I’ll use it as an example: All the concept art ever done for TNBC was on paper and 2D was used in the final film. However, even when Tim Burton was thinking of making it just a tv special it was always going to be stop-motion. NIGHTMARE’s puppet cast do work very well in two dimensions, believe me, but the film was made as a love letter to Rankin/Bass and the art form of stop-motion. Skipping to another Henry Selick-helmed project (haha), JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH was also always envisioned as a multimedia film to give it a truly dream-like atmosphere. If you know anything about Henry Selick you’ll know he’s 1) a perfectionist, and 2) loves mixed media and different types of animation and puppetry at once. That’s why he was the perfect pick to direct TNBC at the time, why JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH and CORALINE are so beautiful and why MOONGIRL, his only fully 3d film, doesn’t have the same appeal.

As for what films I couldn’t imagine NOT being 3D? Probably; 9, Padak, Next Gen, Soul, Finding Nemo, the Toy Story films, Wreck-it-Ralph (as previously mentioned), Wall.E, Waltz with Bashir, Robots, Inside Out, Arthur Christmas, The Painting, Happy Feet, Shrek, Enter the Spiderverse, Megamind… just naming a few here.

“I want a traditionally animated film [and by that I mean a 90s-Disney/Don Bluth looking movie] of ‘x'-popular live action/stage thing!”

Okay I’m cheating a bit but it’s my blog and so I’m gonna stick this one in because it’s related.

When I see musings about wanting live-action or CGI shiz to be in 2d again a lot of the time this argument actually boils down to " I want this to look like a 90s Didney movie ". Or, if it’s about animals - " I want it to look like a Don Bluth film! "

Like...there ARE other styles of animation out there...you know that right?

Frack, Disney themselves tried different styles throughout the 90s it’s just that the peak of the Disney renaissance films (LITTLE MERMAID, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, ALADDIN, THE LION KING) and the many imitators that followed tended to have the same look to them where only film/animation nerds kept watching into the era that was TARZAN, HERCULES, and ATLANTIS along with the kids. Aunt Karen wasn't singing Part of your World in the carride with you every day.

The Don Bluth argument is especially irritating because...what exact feeling do you WANT from a movie if it looked Bluthish? Each of the four ‘quintessential’ Bluth movies (NIMH, AMERICAN TAIL, LBT, and ALL DOGS) have such a different feel to them that’s complimented by that style; SECRET OF NIMH is a drama about wild animals trying to understand humans; LAND BEFORE TIME is even more squarely about an animal’s perspective as there’s literally no humans around; AMERICAN TAIL uses animals stowing away on the ship to tell a story about refugees; and ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN is ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.

What the frack are you even asking for with that because I think there’s a certain flavor to the Bluth-styled oeuvre as well as the 90s Disney catalogue that would clash too much stylistically with some films.

Also come on! Like some Bluthian-style 2d would really fix THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS or SCOOB!, bite me.

I think this fixation solely on these two hand drawn styles and nothing else is based on nostalgia goggles, refusing to step outside the norm and discover different films and feelings than Disney and Bluth, and just preference. Goin back to NIGHTMARE there will always be a special place in my heart for Henry Selick’s stop motion, but I couldn’t imagine CHICKEN RUN or ANOMALISA in it's unique style.

Also I’m tired of every time there’s a "lets make an animatic to ‘x’ musical theater song" it’s reliably just Disneyesque or realistic. WHY envision an animated version of the show at all if it doesn’t have A STYLE to it??!?! I’m sorry but 90s-Disney does NOT fit CABARET!

“3D is so CHEAP now! Why can’t they just do 2D again?”

I think - on the cusp of the 2020s and the Grubhub hatedom, there ARE changing times ahead for 3d and 2d. The general public are starting to get tired of the same looking 3d films and wanting some 2d back, but they don’t have the best resources or opinions on animation to know what it is they want. Meanwhile, the animation community + industry is trying to figure out what to do and you have a lot of turmoil between the monopoly that is the industry, the high standards of the artists, and the mixed wants of the animation fanbase deciding what art needs to be.

It’s a tough business. And in the spirit of that tough business - maybe DON’T act like the means of a film’s production is solely your control, that you know best, and know definitively what the artists should have done....cuz you don't. Sorry my fellow criticalfanomanalysist-folks we DON'T and in an age of standom where fans and critics think it's okay to hackle indie animation studios about not getting their pitched cartoon out fast enough - we need to reserve these discussions to our circles and not treat them as gospel.

3d animation and 2d animation have to share this world. Stop acting like they’re either interchangeable in terms of budget, means of production, or artistry or that one has to be superior to the other.

The industry already says one art form is better (spoiler: it’s always live-action), we don’t need anymore of this purist garbage. Just stick to what you like while trying new things on the side. Be critical while also being compassionate. And remember:

[untitledtheunknown]

Psychofans & Mediacorps

(Backstory and lore on some psychofan encounters and the attempted kidnapping of Kerry Eurodyne along with some related events with Johnny Silverhand. Written as a Screamsheet because I was bored, and this all isn’t 100% since actual events aren’t always fully disclosed. Word count: 2976. Sources at the end.)

Being a world famous Rockerboy is really all it’s chalked up to be, doesn’t mean there isn’t its fair share of snags along the way. Fame and glory comes with a heavy price tag many don’t realize as they’re building their way to the top. Blinded by having your name in the lights, seeing hundreds of thousands of fans all eagerly waiting to just get a glimpse of you. Night City Legend Kerry Eurodyne commented, “It’s scary. I mean, to think that one hundred thousand people are selling their souls to see you, and you’ve got them hanging on your every word.” The very fans that would kill for a chance to see their idols live, are the very same that would put them on Trauma. 

Not just the fans either. Corporate is everywhere, in everything. Fight the system through lyrics while making them richer all the same. Media giants like N54 and DMS buying up the whole show to beat on their chest about who has the most control. The issue comes with their greed for it, keeping those who give them wealth on short leashes. Best offers, benefits, prestige of having a higher name attached to yours. But when friendship runs deeper than the quick climb to fame, other options of “persuasion” may occur. Aggressive strategies to keep themselves on top, because the company always come first.

We’re going to start this article off on arguably a lighter topic, that being the psychofans. I say arguably because they can do just as much damage as the corporations, but it's usually a bit more controlled. We'll hit on that later. There’s the usual rush security, jump fences, steal an axe, the almost seemingly normal chaotic fan behavior you can expect at most high profile gigs. Don’t lie, there’s always one in the audience. 

The sudden rise to fame with Samurai also helped play a part in this erratic behavior, Eurodyne had previously stated, “One minute we’re chugging through our old numbers in some small, no name club to the same crowd; the next we’ve sold out Wembley Stadium and there are a hundred thousand killing each other to get a look at us.” This wasn’t much of an overstatement either. Samurai’s rapid rise to fame took a mere three weeks after signing to Universal Music to reach the number one spot on EuroRadio charts. Everyone wanted a piece of Samurai then, and following the break up in late 2007 that craving didn’t soon die out. 

A number of incidents have happened, being on world tours is a crazy place. Never really know how fans are going to act until you’re in the thick of it. Most these incidents happen backstage, after gigs, or just by random chance coming across someone on the streets, in the open. One particular incident was documented in 2020 in the following of Trauma Team’s Rich “Meatball” Cramer M.D., Lifeline Trauma Inc., Night City Branch #23. 

Broken card call, 15:55, to the Grand Illusion Dance Hall and Bar. Patient being none other than one Rockerboy, Kerry Eurodyne. Compared to the rest of the logs of the night this was a breath of fresh air for the Lifeline agents, not so much for Mr. Eurodyne who was being assaulted by a gang of young female fans. Teargas was dispensed and our Rocker was extracted from the scene. Kerry was in good health at time of extraction, footing the bill of the call to the studio as well as a new set of clothes. Lawsuits were never charged as the fans left enjoying the chaos. 

Another lesser known act back in 2043-44, while performing in Memphis TN an assailant got backstage and put a knife to Kerry’s throat. Intentions of the attack are unknown. Could have been a psychofan making demands of an idol, or someone who knew the net wealth of the name Kerry Eurodyne at the time? Either way the incident ended without bloodshed, Kerry was able to talk the assailant down and promptly knock him out with a stiff pour of that high life tequila. The rest was handled by the venue’s security. Unfortunately events like these are almost common for the stardom lifestyle. 

Lives are kept under public scrutiny 24/7. “Be prepared to have your private life open to the world,” Rockerboy, Johnny Silverhand, had mentioned in a column from Advice From the Pros. Name in the lights simply means just that, private life is on show as well and nothing can truly be kept secret forever. Kerry Eurodyne had added, “Cover your ass on your social life, the mediacorps are capable of setting you up bigtime in compromising situations… Make sure you know who you’re hanging out with, and something about their friends.” Not just fans and so called friends you need to watch out for, but the very people you sign yourself away with. 

Rockers Kerry Eurodyne and Johnny Silverhand are no stranger to this cold truth. Even mediacorps you don’t sign with will have motives, and often resources, to try and gain a signature. Corporations will often go after the output/input or family of the Talent instead of the Talent itself. However, big companies like DMS, the rival to N54 News, also have other methods to “persuade” a contract breach and change. Both Kerry and Johnny were targeted by this particular company, though this time it was Eurodyne dragging Silverhand into trouble. 

After the time Samurai had broken up for good, late 2007 early 2008 Kerry was looking for a decent solo deal. This was a gamble for most Labels at the time, Johnny was the frontman of Samurai, Kerry’s true talent had yet to really flourish into the Legend we know today. At this stage in their careers they were just some new-boy artists, that had a couple songs and albums that made it big. A lot of bands will have their handfuls of top sellers and then disappear into a faded memory. However, media giant DMS saw promise in Kerry, and they quickly came out with an offer for the young Rockerboy that would put him right back on the road to stardom. 

Kerry was going to take the offer until Universal came up with an offer that wouldn’t just set him up but Johnny as well. The two decided that the offer Universal had was too good to pass up, and with good reason. Universal not only was packaging the two Rockerboys together as independent solo artists, they were offering a better deal as a whole. Since Universal already knew them from Samurai, and knew what the two could produce, formalities of signing a new band was skipped. Re-signing with Universal gave them guaranteed concessions normally only offered to major bands or superstars. 

DMS didn’t come back with a counter offer, they came back with threats. Eurodyne, and those close to him, started to receive threats from the mediacorp, these quickly escalated to hired thugs harassing and assaulting everyone in the Rocker’s inner circle, as well as himself. A common tactic for many corporations to get what they want. However, Kerry wasn’t folding to their pressure, sticking with his decision with Johnny to sign to Universal. At this point the signatures were received and Kerry’s talent was the official property of Universal Music once again. This only made the situation worse, and turned into a rather rare occurrence for the music scene. 

Major corporations have a number of outlets that they have at full disposal to get what and whom they want, when they want. DMS is not unique in this fact, but they do have one of the more unique techniques. DMS is creative, deadly, and, for a corporation its size, dangerously agile. They are known for their aggressive and ruthless recruiting tactics, and they do not take “no” with grace. 

Eurodyne’s fate, to DMS, was sealed the moment they selected him, no matter his choice. DMS starts with a fair offer, most of it coming with the prestige of having their name backing you and their benefits package. In the case of Eurodyne, where this was not enough, DMS will call on their Special Recruiting Division, which is devoted solely to recruiting and converting people who are reluctant to sign to DMS. A fancy way of saying they send in their black ops section to perform extractions on those who are bound by contract or reluctant to leave their current company. 

Extractions are illegal, but the government is in the pocket of these corporate giants. Though they hardly ever send their own people, so even if the extraction does fail the proof of finding out who sponsored the extraction is normally too timely, over looked, or asking corpses. Most these companies hire Solos to get the job done, a number of groups exist in this profession alone. Extractions are unsettling common in the corpo world that counter extractions are budgeted into company spending plans. As well many big companies have jealousy protection, and pre-planned countermeasures to prevent extraction attempts of their employees or Talents.

Now, you may be asking yourself, “If they didn’t want to work for them before, what would kidnapping them do?” Well, DMS and other companies thought about this issue as well. How do you force someone to work for you? Blackmail is the obvious answer, to the Talent, to their friends, their family, etc. It's a simple fix that will get a result, but can’t guarantee the product. Its proven effective though, reputation is everything- threats to destroy that are not taken lightly. For a company like DMS, they have a one up on this if they can't get the Talent to see eye to eye with their terms. “Talent Indoctrination”, TI for short, otherwise known as brainwashing to the common choom. It's a program used for winning over people who express resistance to “joining the DMS family” even after extraction. 

TI is only a rumor outside of the highest levels of the corporation, and those who have been subjected to it. Luckily, TI section failures are rare, unluckily survival of TI section failures is even rarer. DMS, however, is willing to risk TI only on targets with a high enough revenue generation potential. Executives are more at risk than artists, given artists are seen as disposable and the average commercial shelf-life of a DMS Music artist is only a couple years. Most only making it an average of two before they’re dropped back to performing at clubs and bars for the same hundred fans, if that. 

This was the threat Kerry was under, one that became very real one fateful day when the Rockerboy was abducted by a group of hired muscle from the corporation. While Kerry was successfully kidnapped and relocated, the extraction itself failed due to intervention of Legendary Solo, Morgan Blackhand. Blackhand was able to capture all five kidnappers, alone, and turned them over to the Federal Authorities. Beaten, battered, and bruised but all five were alive when they were handed over. This act alone humiliated DMS, who was only found later on in investigation to have been the group’s sponsor. Its not unheard of extractions being foiled, but for a company like DMS it was a shot to their pride since Kerry would know it was them that called it. The real humiliation of it comes from the fact Blackhand snagged them all alive, allowing the truth to be exposed to the public, tarnishing that royal reputation of theirs, though no legal action would be taken.

Embarrassing a huge company like that puts a major target on your back. Legality they could care less about, but reputation is not something any corporation wants to gamble with. Morgan Blackhand would become a target for a later date, DMS wasn’t done with Kerry Eurodyne yet. Now, though, their attention was brought to one of the key elements for why Kerry declined their original offer; Johnny Silverhand. 

“They were threatening Johnny and I with things like government investigations and stuff. By the time that threat was made, we’d already signed with Universal���” Eurodyne recalled during an interview. It was true, DMS had dug not only into Kerry’s past life but Johnny’s as well. They were at the stage of “If we can’t have you, no one will.” While Eurodyne’s rap sheet was arguably cleaner, DMS was preparing to go full out, and all in to find anything they could. What they had as their ace was Silverhand’s military past, and they knew they could find the same information about Eurodyne as well or paint him for it. Both Rockers had served during the 2000’s Central American Conflict, Johnny’s desertion was all they needed to start the fire.

DMS was preparing to take this knowledge to the government, and at that point they could say and paint anything on Kerry as well. Their careers were about to end before they even began. Short on time, they did the only thing they could do, they went to Universal Music. With the counter threat of exposure of DMS’s corruption and abusive power over their Talents, Universal made their position clear. This was a PR move, DMS could go to their pocket government agents to have the Rockerboy’s locked away for life, but Universal was going for their public appearance. The ends didn't justify the means, DMS backed down.

Lawsuits were dropped, threats ceased, no more extraction attempts were made on either rockstar. They were given freedom to produce their albums and do tours under the protection of Universal. It wouldn’t be for another several years down the line when DMS would rear its ugly head back into their lives. Well, only in passing.

Denny, the former drummer of Samurai, had a new band called Mastermind that was being recorded by DMS Music. “She knows how I feel about them, but the contract they’ve got is suitable for her, so I’m not going to interfere as long as she is happy.” Kerry had stated on the matter back in late 2013, “Even now you won’t find Johnny or I saying anything remotely positive about DMS… I’m just glad no one was listening when I made certain comments or some of my fans might have taken those rash words to heart and we might have had some serious problems.” A tongue in cheek response to the 13 April 2013 Arasaka Riots led by Johnny Silverhand, under the old band's name of Samurai. Rioters killed 18 and wounded 51 on that night, gutting the Arasaka complex. An event that would only deepen the wedge between the two Rockerboys, yet redefine them entirely.

Silverhand, however, would be blackmailed again later on in 2009 by EBS Records to leave Universal and sign a solo contract with them. EBS had found out that Johnny was an AWOL U.S. Marine who had deserted during the Second Conflict. The blackmail attempt was quickly dropped as Johnny came clean himself, revealing all his secrets and shining light on the plight of veterans of the covert war, with his now famous album Sins of Your Brother. 

One thing the Rocker was known for was starting changes with his music, back in late 2012 Silverhand had an assassination attempt on his life believed to be sourced from Biotechnica do to their belief of controversal opinions to their practices heard on his album Clone Wars. Being forced to take several months of seclusion to let the heat die down before going on tour himself.

Given all of this, and much more, they had been relatively lucky. Maybe not with the fans, Eurodyne still faces the masses though in some more creative ways now. Having his biometric data copyrighted, and agreements with NCPD to monitor CCTVs for any unauthorized replications. Hasn't stopped some from trying, going as far as faking nudes that broke headlines awhile back only to have frisky imaginations shot down by his management. As far as Johnny goes, I don't think anything beats the rumor that was circulating sometime after the events of Arasaka Tower back in 2023. The idea some obsessive fan sneaked past security of the city to dig through the rubble, locating his body to put on ice and keep like some kind of memorabilia? It sounds crazy, but everyone in Night City knew what kind of fans Samurai, and more importantly, Johnny Silverhand had. Made it completely possible and people didn't really doubt that it could be true.

With corporations though, the two Rockerboys dodged a bullet. Multiples if you were keeping count. Others haven't been so lucky. A number of stories of Talents being threatened and giving into demands, multiple assassination attempts to end someone's career, Talents being kidnapped and tortured, so far as one account of a musicians hands being crushed to prevent preformances. From the outside being a Rockerboy looks like a party scene, and a lot of it is, but as the longest living in the scene will tell you, keep a Solo and a Netrunner you trust close on personal pay.

Events come full circle, once you make it to the big time stardom, the public eye notices everything, hangs onto every word. Talents like Silverhand and Eurodyne control the masses in the same way the corporations do. The audiences look to them for guidance, though in some cases the lessons are lost in translation. With everything from greedy labels making backdoor deals behind their Talent’s backs, something Kerry Eurodyne and Us Cracks went through this year, to psychofans making their own demands, to corporate reputation wars. Being a Rockerboy never gets easier, but few have hardly ever survived the test of time as Kerry has. An uphill battle from his earliest beginnings, to sitting on the Rockerboy throne of Night City, well into 2077 and still holding the title of "God of Rock" without a fault. 

Sources and Quotes:

Rockerboy Source Book

Backstage with Kerry Eurodyne page 7-9

Extortion. Bribery. Kidnapping. Brainwashing. And Other Nasty Tricks. Page 44-45

Cyberpunk 2.0.2.0. The Second Edition

Silverhand Update: Clone Tour Begins page 225

One Night with the TRAUMA TEAM page 231 

Live & Direct 

Diverse Media Systems “Technotainment” page 81-82

Solo of Fortune Vol II Source Book

American Angels: One of Europe’s Best Rates the Top U.S. Pros. page 63

Cyberpunk Red

Welcome to the Dark Future page 239

Cyberpunk 2077

Spector Melee Vendor Westbrook

Gig: Psychofans Gaston Slayton's computer

Shard Glam Now! - The Mag For Those Who Love This For Themselves

[nagisasstunningpersonality]

The Things About Ass Class That I Don’t Like

The handling of cross dressing/feminisation 

(this turned a lot longer than I intended actually so I guess I’ll post this on its own for now - there’s a TLDR at the end) 

Starting with the most controversial one. Actually, I don’t have the biggest issue with cross dressing itself being in the series. Given the context of Ass Class being the kind of semi serious comedic series it is, and also just... social/trope context. It’s not entirely out of place. But it’s not really my place to state whether cross dressing jokes are okay or not as it is - make no mistake, I’m not trying to argue those kind of jokes are okay in the first place, but it vaguely doesn’t seem out of place to me in this kind of anime. 

Two issues. 

1) It’s not just a three second gag every now and then. I don’t think it would be as much of an issue in the fandom if, say, the extent of the jokes were the same as that time Korosensei painted Karma’s nails/put him in a heart apron. It’s not as severe, but those are still a form of feminisation. The Nagisa jokes are very drawn out, important parts of episodes in cases. 

See the difference between Nagisa exclaiming “you thought I was a girl?!” in the water, vs the entire island arc scene? It would have been a little more okay if the comedy had just stuck to light fun poking. 

2) It was evidently decided that cross dressing wasn’t just going to be a joke. Hear me out here, but this actually could have been a great thing. Japanese society as a whole is very uh... by the rules, so Matsui kind of lightly speaking out about, most obviously, the flaws of the education system has always impressed me. Him maybe trying to say crossdressing jokes aren’t the best? Considering what Ass Class is? 

What we could have had was an exploration, and a real kind of social statement that ‘hey this trope is kind of bad, actually. You don’t know who it might upset’. And we semi got it? I honestly think the intent - if that was Matsui’s intent is really great. Showing that an innocent joke can really have an affect on a person as they might have a crazy home life nobody knows about. 

Ass Class, I’ll put it bluntly, is too short. That’s my explanation for most of these points, actually. Too much was attempted in too little time. Not to mention that Hiromi is kind of cartoonishly evil at points (i.e. knocking out her son and almost burning down the building???), where making her clearly mentally unstable kind of takes away from her abuse, as I see it. 

In making Nagisa’s appearance forced, there was a chance for real character depth and commentary. We got it in a way that... yeah, it’s definitely there, but it’s not expanded enough on and kind of pushed aside whenever it’s convenient. He never completely committed to it. 

Notably I think the scene most people have an issue with is Nakamura’s apology. This could have been brilliant, an admission that it was wrong. However it was kind of cheapened by immediately dressing Nagisa in a skirt again and trying to sell him to Yuuji. As much as I love Yuuji, it’s very understandable why so many people don’t like that scene. Again, they couldn’t QUITE commit to an actual call out and that’s a shame. 

I do think though we also have to remember that this is literally a shounen jump comedy manga with an octopus teacher. It has a lot of heart snuck into it, but it’s not going to be the same as some great socio-political piece of literature. 

I also think that it’s not necessarily right to assume that Nagisa didn’t mean it when he said he was okay with Nakamura and Karma doing it. Actually, looking at the DIRECT Japanese, it’s actually a little different to what the official translation says? Looking at the manga, which is the most direct form of Matsui’s words. It’s also WAY less of a scene there, literally just a couple of panels thrown in. 

Nagisa specifically says “全然！中村さんやカルマ君にいじられる分には” - in case someone else wants to cross check it. The official English translation is “Not at all! I don’t mind being teased by you and Karma!” And it’s not exactly wrong, to the extent I wouldn’t bother re-translating it. However! A big thing that’s missed out though is the や (ya). It’s basically being translated as “and” here, but it doesn’t mean that in a binary sense. If you’re listing two objects in Japanese, you use ‘to’, ‘ya’ implies there’s other things. Therefore I think I slightly more accurate to meaning translation would have been “I don’t mind being teased by you, Karma, and the others”. It’s not clear who Nagisa actually means with ‘ya’, but I’d assume probably 3E as a group. His friends. I think he picks out Karma specifically since he does it the most beside Nakamura. So I don’t think they were being given specific special permission. 

I’m also not sure about claims that he’s just saying it out of pressure. I mean, if that’s your interpretation then I can’t stop you. But my personal opinion is that yeah, he doesn’t mind his friends teasing him really, but he doesn’t want them to go too far with it, or make him act like a girl outside of their setting. I’m not saying that makes teasing after the fact necessarily okay either, though I do think it’s noticeably toned down for sure. I also disagree with the argument that Karma’s this horrible abusive guy for making jokes here and there - doing a lot less than Nakamura in my opinion. I mean, Karma isn’t meant to be a super nice ikemen character, but I don’t think it goes as far as a lot of people think it foes. 

I don’t think the general fact that there’s a lot of fem nagisa art and fics in this fandom helps matters. But that’s not exactly a series issue. 

Regardless, though, it’s just a missed opportunity. And I think that if Matsui was set on putting it in, he should have gone all the way with it. It’s not like, necessary to the series in anyway. Hiromi could have been abusive enough without the whole gender thing. 

On the other hand, I do think it was handled a little better with Kataoka - and to a lesser extent Okuda. She’s meant to be boyish, and it’s a joke at times, but it’s never cruel and she’s not uncomfortable enough for so long that it massively effects the audience. She’s also very clearly struggling more with what it means to be a girl, rather than just physically being one. I do wish we’d have more of a resolution for this, though, since it would have been a very interesting and subtle point. 

I don’t think these kind of narrative messages should be right there on the surface, but they’re kind of so deep within ass class I’m never sure if it’s a reach or not. 

Anyway TLDR: Ass Class tried to pick off more than it could chew, and the intent of its messages with regards to this subject are kind of confusing.

[excitedlysuffering]

Deidara Headcanons Collection

Oh god I’m like minutes from being too late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEI🥺❤️😍

What He Looks For In A S/O~

• He would most likely want someone who was an artist, cuz he needs someone who understands and relates to his passion and will challenge him on perspectives (respectfully, ofc)

• Needs someone who is as active as he is, he could not deal with someone who wanted to stay home all the time

• Dei is a wild child so whether he knows it or not, he’s going to need someone to balance him out with a more calm/logical outlook on life

• But that’s not to say he wants to date a square cause that’s a big fat LIE

• He needs an S/O who’s able to keep with his spontaneous attitude and mood swings

• He’d probably be drawn to the innocence of his S/O, he’s seen and done a lot of hard things in his life so would love to be able to leave the darkness behind around you

• If his S/O was a shinobi he’d be relieved cause they can take care of themselves, but he would also want to accompany you on missions because this boy can WORRY

• If you’re not a shinobi, he wouldn’t mind all that much cause he doesn’t have to be concerned with you getting injured on missions, but he would want to teach you the basics defense combat

• This boy just needs some love with a capital L, tbh

Relationship With Dei Stuff~

• He’s surprisingly empathetic and can pick on your emotions/moods quite easily but that doesn’t mean he always acts on it

• He’s a naturally happy person so negative emotions are a bit hard to deal with

• If you’re just grumpy, he’ll just stay out of your way (a bit) but if you’re really struggling or on suffering through Satan’s Week he’ll try to do his best to comfort you

• (be patient with him)

• Even though he can’t take you out on dates to the city like he wants to, he’ll improvise

• Boi isn’t an artist for no reason

• Ofc he takes you out to see his art and to fly on his creations, but he’s a romantic at heart and loves cheesy cliches

• Watching the sunset on picnics

• If he’s free camping in the forest

• Or just art dates where you guys will find a common project and will work on it together

• Bonus points towards you if you and Sasori can at least tolerate each other

• They might never admit out loud, but they are best friends

• Even if no one could ever tell

• The three of you are around each other a lot so if you and Sasori are always arguing or getting on each other’s nerves your relationship could suffer a little because of it

• LOVES to spoil you. Like just because

• If you and Dei are dating, you two make a great team whether it’s art collabs, missions, or just life in general

• He can be a real sweetheart and is more sensitive than people give him credit for so if you just love on this boy you’ll have him forever

How To Lose/Annoy Him~

• Insulting or just plain not acknowledging his art goes without saying, I would think

• I haven’t seen this mentioned before, but hating on or trying to avoid his mouth hands. Although they’re a huge part of his life they’re also strange so he can be a bit insecure

• Being insensitive about his speech tic (un, yeah, hm) he’s already come to term with them, but he doesn’t need you, or anyone else rubbing it in

• As stated earlier, not being able to get along with Sasori, or him just generally disapproving of you more than he does the average person

• Being overly clingy. Example, when he’s working on his art and you’re all over him, infringing on his special time

• Playing hard to get or trying to make him jealous. Dei is naturally impatient so it makes no sense as to why you’re trying to get a rise out of him. He can pretty blunt and he expects you to just come out and say it if something is bothering you.

• Slightly nsfw, but pulling on his hair. He doesn’t like his hair being ripped out in the slightest

• Being friends with Tobi

Soft Deidara Things~

• Definitely one for matching shirts (i.e His= Art is a bang! Yours= I’m a bang!)

• He loves to just cuddle up with you after a long day, no words he’ll just collapse on you

• PLAY. WITH. HIS. HAIR.

• Brush it, braid it, comb it, whatever, but it’ll soothe the heck outta him

• He really loves to pick out your clothes. Dei is a fashion master and he loves seeing you in clothes he likes

• Will be that one person to sleep crazy to the point of kicking you off the bed. Now you sleep literally on top of him so he’s pretty still

• Loves to wake up before you to look at you like ‘wow she loves me??’

• Can actually cook really well (i mean he did live on his own for a while) and loves having you try new recipes he’s come up with

• Just loves being around you, you’re presence can calm him like no other

Random Dei Facts~

• His love language is a mix of words of affirmation and physical touch

• As much as he likes to go go go, he also appreciates a good nap here or there

• He’s bad at taking care of himself like he’s on the brink of artistic genius and he’ll genuinely forget to eat or sleep

• Has a big thing for music, whether it’s a song or just instrumental he loves the environment it brings

• He doesn’t quite have PTSD, but somethings do trigger him or make him anxious. You just can’t live like he does and not be effected

• That one scene where he’s recruited and is under Itachi’s Sharingan/genjutsu and calls Itachi art and then is repulsed by the thought really makes me think that one of Dei’s biggest fears is thinking/realizing someone’s art is better than his own

• He isn’t religious but is a strong believer in fate, karma, and such things

• Contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t use his hand mouths for anything other than art. Those are his art tools, his partners, and he’d be much too weirded out to use them for anything different

• He’s like a scarily healthy eater. Not necessarily vegetarian/vegan but is a calorie counter and has a very balanced diet

• He loves to do little not so harmless pranks on Itachi as mini revenge. He’s even more ruthless as Itachi begins to lose his eyesight

Little Things~

Favorite:

• Place to kiss- Behind your ear because he loves hugging you from behind and surprising you

• Way to hug- As previously stated, from behind cuz he feels like he’s protecting you and you fit in his arms like a puzzle

• Thing to do with you- Discuss or work on art projects together or in each other’s general vicinity

• Cuddle position- Lotus (you in his lap, facing him, your legs around his waist) cause he just loves to hold you and you can easily mess with his hair

• Type of date- Anything that’s just the two of you spending quality time away from his busy life

This or That-

• More of a summer person, he loves the outdoors, even more now that he has someone to share it with

• Definitely a night person. He gets more done at night but also loves being able to unwind with you

• Likes to cook more than being cooked for, cause he likes treating you

• Is not much of a reader, it can’t hold his attention for long, but occasionally will ask you to read to him if he likes the sound of your voice. He does

Conflict Happenings~

• Passionate and Stubborn Boi™

• If you’re also headstrong, there will be plenty of arguments, usually over small things

• Best case scenario, something says something that makes you both laugh and problem solved or you end up making out (cuz oh my jashin scowling Deidara can step on my NECK)

• Worst case scenario, someone storms out and you don’t talk for a bit

• When he wants he can give a verbal tongue lashing harsh enough to make anyone cower

• Eventually, one of you will cave. You miss each other too much and even art isn’t filling the void

• Apologies are mumbled but heartfelt as to not bruise either of your egos but also cuz you’re both genuinely sorry

• However, if you’re not confrontational, it might actually cause him to mellow out a bit (only around you though)

• He can’t bring himself to have a one-sided argument with you. It makes him feel guilty and does a lot of damage

• Instead, he might actually talk things out, courtesy of self-calming techniques you probably showed him at one point

Modern Dei~

• He’s that one college student that is at every party but still gets great grades??

•!He has a double major for sure, art and chemistry, cause how else is he going to make perfect explosions?

• If he wasn’t recruited to a sports team (I could see him doing gymnastics or wrestling honestly) then you had best believe he’s a serious martial artist

• He’s smart and sells (non-explosive) sculptures for money on the side

• He loves road trips, doesn’t care as much about the destination, he just loves driving places

• A serious ride or die friend, like loyal to a fault, but if you ruin that he won’t make any efforts to restore it

• Incredibly independent and struggles to ask for help even if he’s bad at a particular subject

•’CEO of completing assignments the night before its due and still acing it

• His living space is purely organized chaos like everything has it’s own system even if it looks like a mess

• Wouldn’t mind having a roommate, but he’s also used to living alone so he’s fine either way

• If he did, it’d probably be Sasori, cause he’s one of the only people who could TRULY handle Dei 24/7 (barely)

• Isn’t an overachiever, but just like with art, if someone’s going to see his work, it’s going to be his best work

• Even when his friends drink, he’s not that big on it. Feels like it hinders his inspiration and he gets AWFUL hangovers and can barely handle it

• Modern Dei is a great Dei, cause no matter what our blonde baby is best. Period.

[thanksjro]

Dark Cybertron Chapter 2: Going from Zero to Antichrist Real Quick

Bumblebee and his camp buddies are trying to figure out what to do with the Titan who just popped out of the ground like a prairie dog, as the sky looks like a Lisa Frank notebook thanks to the portal to the Dead Universe. It’s honestly very nice, we should should get more pretty apocalypses like this.

Bumblebee starts throwing out orders at everyone, much to Slag’s chagrin. When Slag brings up the point that they probably can’t do much of anything to a guy roughly a hundred times bigger than they are, Bumblebee tells him to shut up and do as he’s told.

Yeah, I had about the same reaction, Slag.

So the Dinobots do their thing. Swoop, who I think is the only guy here who can fly, goes up to see what the Titan’s doing. It’s not much, other than looking really upset. Oh no, what if he’s afraid of heights? Poor guy.

Even if the Titan isn’t moving, the mere presence of the thing is jamming signals, which is kind of an issue. Ironhide’s ready to shoot it in the foot, and Arcee will help, because she’s a team player now. Bumblebee has a minor crisis over whether this is the same Titan that told Starscream he was a prophesied son of a gun, but Prowl doesn’t seem to think that it is.

Prowl, who has been suffering from short-term memory lapses over the last several months or so because a bug-man was controlling his mind.

Yeah, let’s maybe take his opinion on the matter with a grain of salt, even if he is right.

Over at the Lost Light, Orion Pax is visiting Brainstorm’s workshop, where everyone’s favorite science man is admitting to having studied the Dead Universe’s effects on the living and interviewing people who had been to the area.

Man, I sure hope that guy signed a waiver, otherwise Brainstorm’s going to be in a spot of trouble.

Then we get a quick rundown of what the Dead Universe is: an omnicognizant parallel universe that functions on fundamental principles that differ from our own and wants you to die. So, obviously not a place you would want to go to. Still, we gotta, because that’s where the plot is the Dead Universe is gonna vore Cybertron if we don’t.

Brainstorm agrees to cook something up to make the trip through the Gorlam Prime portal easier.

Back on Cybertron, the Titan looms in the distance as we check in on an oddly pristine-looking Iacon. Rattrap tells Starscream to come out of the closet, because the Titan still hasn’t moved and doesn’t seem like it’s going to anytime soon. Starscream does come out, but it’s with his arms full of weapons of Autobot design that he appropriated from the ruins of Kimia, because he doesn’t trust that Titan to not start some shit. Rattrap suggests that they maybe get a second opinion before they start murdering people for standing in a barren field.

Back on the Lost Light, there’s a little shindig going down at Swerve’s, everyone staring down the table where Optimus, Rodimus, and Ultra Magnus are seated. Swerve takes the opportunity to do what everyone else is probably really wanting to, and snaps a few photos of them for his scrapbook. As soon as he’s done, we get to the Emotions portion of our issue.

Rodimus is letting himself be vulnerable in front of the man he idolizes, and I think that’s very brave of him.

Nobody’s feeling super great about the situation they’ve been presented with, but there isn’t a lot that can be done about it now. Just gotta work with what they got. Rodimus asks Optimus how he feels about Starscream being elected leader of Cybertron.

But I thought that freedom was the right of all sentient beings? You know, like the freedom of choice in our government officials, even if they aren’t the best option we could possibly have, because at least they’re better than the guy who had bombs planted in people’s heads for crowd control purposes? Are you saying that it only counted when the concept of freedom could be manipulated so you could go kick Megatron’s ass, and that actual freedom of choice doesn’t jive with your personal sensibilities as much as you’d like everyone to think it does? No wonder you’re going to try to overthrow the entire Earth’s government system to get humanity annexed into Cybertron’s bullshit in a few years’ time.

But perhaps this Starscream thing is actually the work of Megatron! What will Orion do then?

…I mean, do I even have to say it?

ORION, THAT’S GAY.

And I thought we’d already figured out what to do with Megatron back in “Chaos Theory”, where you spent three issues waffling on the subject until the man himself told you to execute him, because even he was sick of your crisis of self. The only reason you didn’t get to act on it was because Megatron disappeared after Vector Sigma blew up and then you fucked off into space without even bothering to check if he was actually dead.

But enough of Orion promising to kill/kiss Megatron, it’s time to see what Brainstorm’s cooked up. It’s not much, but to be fair, he’s only had a few hours to pull something together- our ship’s genius has made a few forcefield generators, using nothing more than some forcefield generators and juice he squeezed out of a bug. Science truly is amazing.

And I bet Trailcutter hates this invention too, for multiple reasons this time!

Cyclonus, who is looking especially purple today, agrees to join the excursion to the Dead Universe, even though it’s pretty clear he really, really doesn’t want to. Hardhead seems in better spirits than our resident space jet, though maybe that’s just bravado macho-man bullshitting on his part.

With our team put together, it’s time to jump out of the spaceship and into a place that quite literally wants them dead. But first Rodimus has a little chat with Ultra Magnus about his feelings. A lot of sharing this issue.

Magnus doesn’t feel fit to be in charge while Rodimus goes off to save the day and maybe die, because he doesn’t have that special something that makes a leader a leader. Charisma? The ability to think on your feet? The ability to see people as people and not numbers? Not having people know you’re actually a much smaller man running around in an Ultra Magnus suit? Whatever it is, Rodimus seems to think that it’s trumped by a mysterious something in his hand, and that Magnus will do just fine.

While Team -Imus goes into the murder reality, Magnus and the Lost Light will be going off to find Jhiaxus, because they need something to do while our protagonist and his absentee father go on their own adventure.

Back on Cybertron, Starscream’s visiting prison, and wants to talk to a very good boy without the guards overhearing. Jazz makes a very vague threat about what will happen if any harm comes to the prisoner, then steps away.

Let’s talk about how to sell toys for a second.

This issue of “Dark Cybertron” had a cover featuring Scoop, the very good boy I’ve mentioned before, because it was paired off with his Generations toy. We know from reading RID that Scoop is the leader of a group called the Construction Patrol, and he likes to help simply for the sake of helping. Sounds like a nice, if generic, character. How is this issue going to introduce people to him? Will he bust out of prison to save the day? Fight evil through heroic sacrifice? Do anything besides talk?

No, he’s going to tell Starscream he’s a herald of death that was foretold in the robot bible.

Yeah, that’ll move some fucking product!

This isn’t even the most batshit thing Scoop’s going to pull in this event, but it is what they decided to put in the issue that “features” him.

Over with Shockwave, we’re treated to some renewed friendships, as Nova Prime and Galvatron reveal that they don’t hate each other after all, but have a mutual respect based in subjugating those weaker than them.

I’m guessing this is a contrast to their previous relationship dynamic in older publications, but I’m not going back to comb through the likes of Heart of Darkness to check, because it really doesn’t matter.

There’s a bit of a snag in Shockwave’s plan to bring Galvatron and Nova Prime back to the Not-Dead Universe, as the space bridge in the Titan burnt up when it got there. Gee, that sucks. I guess all those “Prelude” issues about getting the Titan from Gorlam Prime were sort of a waste of time, weren’t they? Love it when I’m told I wasted my time reading motherfucking Ramondelli issues.

Speaking of Ramondelli, it’s Dead Universe time.

Sigh. Hello, public domain pictures of space on the overlay layer option in Photoshop. It’s nice to see you.

No, it isn’t. I lied.

I’m sorry, public domain pictures of space on the overlay layer option in Photoshop, this isn’t your fault.

So we’re here in the Dead Universe, and it’s looking pretty wild and crazy, though the characters are likely thinking this for a completely different reason than we are as readers. It turns out, the Dead Universe… is dying.

…MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM THAT’S SOME GOOD WRITIN’ RIGHT THERE

Also, Cyclonus has disappeared, not that anyone actually gives a shit, because they’re too busy dealing with the giant space leeches that just showed the hell up. Dang, why’s that happening?

…That only happens as a form of population control, or if the young in question are sickly and have a low chance of survival, not just because the mama rabbit got a bit peckish between lunch and dinner, you stupid fucking robot.

Half of this writing team won awards a couple years after this was published, I want you to remember that.

They fight the cyberwraiths for a bit, things look like they’re getting dicey, then suddenly they fuck off as Cyclonus shows up, probably fresh off the end of a goddamned panic attack because he’s back in the Dead Universe. Then he proceeds to vomit up some black energon. That’s a fun thing, glad you made me look at that.

Rodimus is concerned that one of their team members has got the Hollywood Tuberculosis cough, but Cyclonus doesn’t want his fucking pity. The fellas decide it’s time to get a move on, seeing as they’ve been here a grand total of 20 seconds and been attacked, so they need to get this over with ASAP.

As Team -Imus flies off in a ship I don’t remember them bringing along, someone decides that they’re going to stick their finger in that puddle of vomit.

Nightbeat you fucking idiot, there aren’t any sinks in the Dead Universe! Now your hand’s gonna be all gross for the entirety of this event! He’s not even analyzing it, it’s just on his hand! Why is Nightbeat having zero concept of personal hygiene a running theme in the things I read? Fuck!

You may be wondering what Nightbeat’s doing in the Dead Universe, or even where he’s been for a good chunk of IDW. We’ve seen him in flashbacks from before the war, but not during or after, least not within anything I’ve covered. So, what’s be been up to?

Fuck you, you’ll have to wait for a later issue to be told what Phase One bullshit you’ll have had to read to understand why this dumbass is here.

Back on Cybertron, Prowl is telling Bumblebee that he sucks because he’s not acting. I’m not exactly sure what he expects Bumblebee to do about the Titan who’s just standing there. It’s not like issuing a loitering ticket is going to do anything. Then the Decepticons attack them, among their ranks being the scariest fucking Ravage I’ve ever seen.

Why do you look like that? Rojo’s supposed to have the cutesy style on this team, why the fuck did he turn the kitty cat into one of the terror dogs from Ghostbusters? 

Anyway, that’s the end of the issue. Sure hope you’re invested enough in trying to figure out what the fuck Nightbeat’s deal is to snag Robots in Disguise #23.

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Ice Man Job

leverage 2.08

Hardison: Jim Kerrity III. He took over Kerrity Diamonds four years ago after his old man retired, and in that small amount of time, he drove the business straight into the ground by living way beyond his means.

(Parker is restless on the couch and Eliot pushes her away from him)

Hardison: I'm talkin' drugs, booze, women.

(Parker continues to moves restlessly)

Hardison: According to his credit card statements... What? Why? What are you doin'?

Parker: What?

Eliot: What?

Parker: What?

Eliot: It's distracting.

Parker: The couch is feeling a little empty.

Nate: Eliot, will you please sit next to Parker.

Eliot: No, I'm sittin' here now.

Nate: Guys, guys. We all miss Sophie. I, we just have to adapt.

Hardison: I got this. Move, go.

(Hardison sits next to Parker on the couch)

Hardison: You happy? (picks up keyboard)

parker can’t get comfortable because she misses sophie. she’s never had friends/close family before (minus archie but that’s irrelevant) and sophie was one of her people and she doesn’t know how to cope properly when she loses them

the ot3 sitting together as they should

- - - - -

Nate: You know what, the thing about this that people don't understand is insurance fraud, it's a lot of red tape, and with a big claim like this, it'll take a year before Kerrity sees any money, and the bill collectors are not gonna wait around. He's gotta fence the diamonds.

Parker: He can't. (grabs the remote and changes the monitors)

Eliot: What do you mean?

Parker: His diamonds are GIA certified, VVS clarity, all about two carats.

Hardison: That's my clicker.

Parker: Who stole the Polar Star? (raises her hand) Who stole the Gem of Gibraltar? Damiani raid? Me. I know diamonds, and our bad guy can't fence those diamonds because stones that size have an ID number laser-inscribed on them.

Eliot: So it’s like a stolen car. Gotta clean the VIN before you can sell 'em.

Nate: How do you get that ID number off?

Parker: With a special laser. But only three guys can do it. Antwerp, Dubai, Tel Aviv

SHE KNOWS HER DIAMONDS

- - - - -

[Flashback]

Parker: Hi.

Man: Hello.

Parker: Buy me a drink?

Man: You got it. (gestures to the bartender and puts his hand on Parker’s knee) So?

(Parker grabs his fingers and breaks them, then picks up a briefcase and hits him in the chest before heading away, almost falling)

we LOVE to see parker not tolerating slimy men and hurting them when they touch her

- - - - -

Parker: Yeah, I'll be fine.

(later Parker is crouched behind the counter talking on the phone)

Parker: I will not be fine. I stabbed that guy with a fork.

[London Bar]

Sophie: Parker, Parker, relax. It's fine. Listen. Go to Nate's cupboard and you're gonna find a sexy little mini-dress and my emergency Jimmy Choos.

[Leverage HQ]

Parker: Jimmy who? You have a body in Nate's closet? (she looks excited)

[London Bar]

Sophie: Shoes, Parker. Didn't I teach you any...? All right, listen. This is the important bit. Do you still have the Rosalind Diamond you stole in Perth?

[Leverage HQ]

Parker: Yes.

[London Bar]

Sophie: Wear it. The diamond will speak for you. You won't have to say a word. This is the key to the grift. You just trust the character. Say nothing, trust the diamond.

[Leverage HQ]

Parker: I can do that. Don't tell Nate I called.

[London Bar]

Sophie: I won't.

- - - - -

bruh parker is SO HOT in that blue dress with her diamond that she stole I’m-

- - - - -

Hardison: All right. Lay the arms down, brother. He's cool.

(Eliot lets Kerrity go)

Hardison: You have to excuse my bodyguard. He's touchy. It's 'cause he's a mute.

eliot looks ready to beat hardison’s ass for a hot second

also I LOVE eliot’s little braids in his hair

- - - - -

Kerrity: What kind of thief calls himself a thief?

Hardison: An uncatchable one with a brilliant reputation. You've seen my work in Perth. The Polar Star? Nicked it. The Gem of Gibraltar? Nicked it. The Damiani raid? Distraction while I nicked everything in the vault next door. Big stones, trust me.

(behind Hardison, Parker is pacing angrily)

eliot gives her a Look™ when she looks like she’s going to interrupt hardison because he KNOWS how pissed she is

- - - - -

(Parker is at the kitchen bar, locks and picks spread out in front of her. She’s focused on picking a lock)

Eliot: Ice Man?

Hardison: Hey, I put a lot of work into that character. No, no. No, I bought new clothes, ugly as hell, too.

Eliot: This always happens when you go on the grift, Hardison.

Hardison (*): I put stories on the website.

Eliot: You go too big.

Parker: Sophie told me to say as little as possible, let the character do the work.

Nate: When did, uh, Sophie say that?

Parker: A long time ago. Maybe last Christmas. I don't even think it was Sophie.

Nate: I'm gonna go put more pressure on Kerrity. I want you guys to be on the clear-out. Ice Man, play it cool. That's just an awful, awful name.

Hardison: Genius.

Eliot: See?

Hardison: It's genius.

Eliot: When you get in too deep on this, I ain't bailin' your ass out.

Hardison: I don't need you to bail me out. I'm the Ice Man.

Eliot: Not. Gonna. Help

parker picks locks when she’s upset/annoyed/distressed and I love that continuity for her in the show

also eliot you buffoon you’ll always help hardison you’re fooling literally no one

- - - - -

Guard: There's a Mr. Sterling here from the insurance company.

LMFAO NATE YOU DIDNT

- - - - -

Eliot (on phone): I know. He's driving me crazy. How, huh? I'm backup, they can't rely on me. All right, all right. Hey, thanks. Don't tell Nate I called.

Parker: Who was that?

Eliot: Cable company

eliot is more upset than anything because he’s been put into a position where he can’t protect them as well. THATS what he’s mad enough about to call sophie about it.

also this picture meme describes the situation perfectly

- - - - -

Eliot: Whoa! Whoa! What are you people doin' here?!

Woman: We work here. Who are you?

Parker: We're with OSHA.

Eliot: We issued a class-one evacuation notice for this facility effective 24 hours ago.

Parker: This place is on lockdown for chemical exposure.

Eliot: Nobody read the memo?

Parker: Did nobody read the memo?! You, cough!

(Parker holds a pad to the woman’s mouth and she coughs into it)

Woman: What chemical?

Eliot: Given the set-up for this place, it could be a matrix of solid phase sulfates, uh, nitrates.

(Parker shows a blackened pad to the woman)

Woman: That's inside me?

Eliot: Honey, your lungs are a parking lot, sweetheart.

Parker: And in that parking lot, the diagonal lines are painted with poison.

(parker turns and looks at eliot, who shakes his head slightly in exasperation)

Eliot: People, move towards the door, all right?

Parker: Do not inhale unless you are 50 feet from the entrance. Yeah.

(all the workers leave the room)

eliot just sighing at parker’s antics is beautiful

- - - - -

Nate: All right, nice work, guys. Tomorrow, when he shows up with the diamonds, the state police will be there.

[Exterior Street]

Eliot: Why, so they can arrest Hardison's ego?

Hardison: Be cool, baby. Ice cool. Hey, who wants to go for a spin?

Eliot: Can't believe you rented a Ferrari.

Hardison: Rented?

Parker: I'll get a ride home with Eliot.

(Eliot and Parker move away and get into his truck before driving away)

Hardison: Y'all are just jealous. Oh, they just jealous, baby. Don't worry about that. Look at ya. Lookin' better than green-

okay so now we know hardison in canon owns a red ferrari convertible

- - - - -

Hardison (makes call): Yeah, yeah. Sheila, not makin' it in tonight. Yeah, work thing. Bugger all.

[Interior Van]

Sophie: Hardison? Are you calling me in character?

[Russian’s Office]

Hardison: I told you, butternut. It's work. I can't get out of it.

[Interior Van]

Sophie: What accent is that? Ooh. Ooh, you've been nabbed.

[Russian’s Office]

Hardison: Afraid so.

Sophie: Is it the mark?

Hardison: No. No, muffin, no.

[Interior Van]

Sophie: It's the goons. You oversold the part.

[Russian’s Office]

Sophie: You fell into the trap of the overzealous henchman.

[Interior Van]

Sophie: Don't worry. It happens all the time. As long as they're not Russians.

[Russian’s Office]

Hardison: It's gonna be a bit of a problem.

Sophie: It's the Russians? I'm gonna have to phone Nate.

Hardison: Uh, leave it off, crumpet.

[Interior Van]

Sophie: No, no, no, listen. Hardison—

[Russian’s Office]

Sophie: --you cannot talk your way out of Russians.

[Interior Van]

Sophie: I mean, you can stall them maybe for a bit, but whatever you do--

[Russian’s Office]

Sophie: --do not tell them you can do anything else. (hangs up)

Hardison: Smooches. Love her. (puts down phone)

- - - - -

Eliot: I had courtside seats, man. Tell Hardison if he makes it out alive, I'm gonna snap him in half.

Nate: Uh, Eliot says hi.

again, eliot, you ain’t foolin no one

- - - - -

parker sitting on the dining table,,, I love it when she perches herself on things

- - - - -

eliot is wearing a checkered/white plaid shirt with flowers on it it’s adorable

- - - - -

(Kerrity is placing a necklace on a woman’s neck)

Kerrity: Wow, that looks beautiful. Three hundred thousand dollars on your neck. (Nate knocks on the door) Oh. Amy, I'm gonna meet you at the bar, sweetie, OK? You'll earn that later. Let's go. Excellent. This had better be important.

y’all nasty

- - - - -

we love to see eliot knocking people out with one punch

+ him apologizing to the unconscious guard after

- - - - -

(Parker lays a magnetic strip over the two halves of the sensor)

Parker: This will hold them together.

Eliot (hands her a screwdriver): Electric's faster.

Parker: Vibrations will set off the seismic sensor.

(Eliot leaves the vault as Parker moves the sensors to one side and replaces them with false sensors. She then works on getting the combination)

- - - - -

Eliot buzzes Hardison in. Hardison fakes punching Eliot, who goes down. Hardison continues to fake beating Eliot up)

Eliot: Next time, I'm playing the thief.

Hardison: I'd like to hear you do an accent.

Eliot: I'd like to hear you do an accent.

Hardison: I went to Second City in Chicago.

(outside the Russian and his men watch Hardison beating Eliot)

[Vault]

(Parker writes the combination to the vault on the handle in what looks like invisible ink)

Eliot: When’d you find time between that and karate at the Y?

Hardison: You know what? Just shut up.

Parker: Shut up, guys

chaotic ot3

- - - - -

(Parker hangs on to the vault door as it swings shut, then jumps to an overhead pipe)

[Kerrity Diamonds]

(Eliot watches Parker move across the vault in a security monitor)

Eliot: Stuck it

this is cute okay, his proud lil face

- - - - -

hardison also carries a black light on his keychain ???

- - - - -

I’m sorry, I’m but a simple wlw and parker hanging upside down doing her thing is beautiful

- - - - -

[Flashback]

Hardison: Shh! Do you hear that? Diamond Jim's comin' down here. You go and stop him while I nick the diamonds.

(the Russian and his men turn to the vault doorway. Hardison backs away. Parker steps out of one of the larger boxes and pulls Hardison into it)

Hardison: Thank you, and I mean thank you, but how are we gettin' out of here?

(Parker pulls out some sort of electronic device)

Hardison: What is that?

Parker: Shh! Pull your arms in.

(the device beeps as Parker enters a code. After a moment, an explosion collapses the floor beneath them and they fall into the tunnels below where Eliot helps Parker to her feet)

Eliot: Det cord.

eliot helping them off the ground? domestic ot3

- - - - -

Eliot: What are you smilin' at? You still screwed it up.

Hardison: I'm smiling 'cause you said if I got in trouble, you wouldn't help me.

Eliot: Parker made me.

Parker: No, I didn't.

Hardison: Come on, man. Let's hug it out.

Eliot: I'm not huggin' it out, Ice Man.

Hardison: Just hug it... Just a little man love.

(Hardison puts his arm around Eliot’s shoulders. Eliot tries to push him away)

Eliot: I'm not huggin' it out with you. No...

Hardison (stands to move closer to Eliot): It’s not—

Eliot: Sit down in your stool.

Hardison: Don't make this awkward.

Eliot: What are you doin', man?

Hardison: This is uncomfortable now.

(Hardison lays his head on Eliot’s shoulder as Eliot continues to try and push him away)

Hardison: Get in the pits.

Eliot: I'm gonna break your frickin’ arm.

parker shuts eliot down immediately because eliot needs to step up for his actions

ALSO, ELIOT LEANED HIS FOREHEAD IN FOR ONE (1) SECOND. HE TOTALLY SECRETLY LOVED IT

also this meme sums up the entire episode

* sorry the script said something wrong and I don’t feel like going back to check lol

[selfhelpskillss]

The Obsession Method Review: A Program For All Gentle Men!

Are you having big problems in your romantic relationships?

Do you feel that you are not attractive to women?

Or have you tried your best but still can’t get the girl you like?

Most of such men don’t know what their reasons for failure are. They all think that women are the most mysterious creatures on the planet and no one can understand them.

The obsession method will reveal a woman’s secrets. From there, suggest a plan to help you make her love more. Here, check out the obsession method review to better understand what this program has to offer.

Overview

What is the obsession method?

Kate Spring obsession method is a unique product that uses several tricks to impress girls.

This is an interesting program for men. The Obsession method studied the psychology of women, then wrote them down in a coding language. From there, men can get closer to the women they like.

Many men have failed to pursue their women. However, they have tried many different ways. But with this method, you can make any woman take off her hat. Not only that, but you also create an irresistible desire for love that keeps her from leaving you.

The obsession method uses the Harvard Psychological Method that very few people know about.

The great thing about this method is that it doesn’t require you to have an attractive personality or anything special. Therefore, whether you are fat or thin, ugly or beautiful, you can apply the method.

And as the name implies, the obsession method helps you make her ‘obsessed‘ and fall in love with you. She will teach you how to properly communicate with girls while revealing the best way to make eye contact.

Thanks to that, you can completely control your partner’s psychology and make her fall in love with you.

Kate Spring – program founder

Kate Spring – program founder

Kate Spring is the creator of this product and has successfully helped men who have problems with the woman he likes.

Kate lives in Vancouver – Canada, and completed her graduation from Victoria University. People know her as a dating coach. Besides, Kate also owns a youtube channel called ‘Love Learning‘ with a huge number of followers.

As an expert in helping men conquer the women of their dreams, Kate is famous worldwide. People from different countries look to Kate for guidance.

By applying Kate’s training, whether you are short, ugly, or unemployed, you can seduce any woman. Over the years, Kate Spring has supported many men. And then successfully turned them into alpha males extremely attractive to women.

So, if you’re having a hard time in your relationship, try reaching out to her once. I am sure you will never regret spending money on this program. Because the obsession method is worth buying.

The Obsession Method Review

What’s in the obsession method?

The obsession method tend to be positive because Kate Spring has researched and tested it thoroughly. So the product is for all men. You can learn many interesting ways to impress a woman and make her fall in love with you.

In the obsession method, there are 9 parts as follows:

Precision tactics

Precision tactics in dating

A correct strategy will guide you on the right path to the easiest success. Tactics will teach you how to capture the best moment. In this section, you will be able to answer questions such as:

When should you move closer to your opponent?

When is it possible to start the first kiss in a two-person relationship?

When should I ask her out?

Yes, the problem here is time. You may feel that this is not an important aspect of conquering a girl.

But can you point out when the best time is? Because women’s psychology is very sensitive and elusive. If you do it at the wrong time, it will be easy to make her uncomfortable.

According to the obsession method, you will have information about the most appropriate events and times. Now you can take the next steps without fearing her rejection. And of course, she will appreciate what you do.

Body messages

No woman likes a man who is slow and has boring gestures. If you’re like that, we’re sure you’ve lost points in her eyes.

Obsession method Kate Spring will teach some unique body language. And of course, they all have the effect of attracting the woman you choose.

Unlike men, women understand body language very well. And they react to these messages faster than any of your words or actions.

Because for them, the body massage is the subtlety that a man needs to have. So if you know and do it, it will initially successfully attract her.

Story mode

Story mode

Girls are not easy to talk to, especially some women who don’t speak to strange men. Unless she thinks you and her have some sort of relationship.

In front of such girls, a lot of men give up halfway. But this time of giving up may make you regret for the rest of your life losing your daughter.

Coming to the obsession method, Kate will teach you some unique talking techniques. You can use this method to start a conversation with any girl.

Of course, it’s easy to get the favorable results you want with Kate’s technique. I’m sure she will yearn and have a deep desire for your love.

Unstoppable pickup

Unstoppable Pickup is one of the techniques Kate teaches in the obsession method course. This way helps you attract girls even if you appear with old pickup trucks. Apply it, and I’m sure you will never fail.

A guy who says nonsense at the first meeting is not going to make a difference. And she may never want to talk to you again. But if you use Kate’s Unstoppable Pickup technique, any girl will like to learn more about you.

Desire protocol

In fact, some women only date for gain, even ‘seduce‘ him to “take advantage“. This is the main reason why men fail in relationships with them and feel more distant.

But what if you can conquer and make her fall in love with you? Do you think this only happens in movies?

Not so, with Kate’s Desire Protocol method, you’ll be surprised at the results. Following the Desire Protocol, you can make a woman yearn for love like never before.

Marriage man

Marriage man style

In the eyes of women, material things always have an important meaning. Because material things in marriage are always a necessary factor to ensure a longer-lasting relationship.

In case you show off the weird style, you can lose her. But using the Mariage Man method, you will understand what your woman wants. From there, you can become the man she just wants to marry.

Turn her on

Many men don’t know how to seduce a woman to fall in love with you completely. No need to worry anymore, the obsession method Kate Spring will teach you to ‘seduce‘ a woman to fall in love with you.

This technique will change everything as it will stimulate her to take the initiative in this relationship.

Text seduction

In today’s social time, chatting and flirting sentences are no longer strange. But how does texting get that girl interested?

Some men have bad texting errors and are very bland. Maybe it’s because they don’t know how to write a message, or they’re lazy.

Whatever the reason, women don’t like that type of man. So, in the obsession method, Kate will share three unique messages. Based on this, you can apply when texting and make an instant impression on the girl.

SUBLIMINAL 3’s

Subliminal 3’s technique includes 3 methods. The effect of this technique is to help you make the woman crazy about you.

She will ‘love’ you from your looks to everything related to you. Even the obsession method technique can make her want to sleep with you right away.

Who can use the obsession method?

As long as you want to conquer your woman, you can use the obsession method. It doesn’t matter if you are a thin or fat man, white or black.

The method works even if the girl has not seen you before, or she is not interested or is out of your reach.

This is a strength of the obsessive method. The program is suitable for every man globally, no matter what he does or where he is. As long as you love and desire the other person, you can completely apply the method to make her want you.

Is this method safe?

Science has proven that this method works very well and works in all cases. The obsession method has been tested on real issues before selling to the market. So you can completely trust the effectiveness and safety of the technique.

The program will teach you what you never knew about women. That helps you understand and learn about their needs.

In school, the booking and the education system only teach you slight gender differences. No one tells you how a girl’s mentality is and how to meet a woman’s heart.

We can vouch for the safety of the method. Trust it because thousands of men have applied and succeeded.

Moreover, the language in the book is very easy to understand. So you can easily deploy exactly what’s inside.

Benefits of using the method

Here are the benefits of the obsession method:

Win the heart of any woman you like

Make the woman you want to desire and desire you

Make her more active in the relationship and want to sleep with you right away.

Make her sincere in love with you

Help you become the ideal man

Make her miss you anytime

The Obsession Method Review: Pros and Cons

To wrap up the obsession method review, we’ll go over the advantages and disadvantages of the method. To help you have a better overview of the technique.

Advantages

The outstanding advantage of the method is its ability to make a woman want to fall in love with a man. With the techniques learned from the obsession method, you can easily meet a woman’s heart. It will help you to conquer the girl you never dreamed of before.

In addition, everything in the program uses smart digital. So you can use electronic devices to store information easily.

And you won’t have to worry about forgetting the techniques at the crucial moment. At the same time, thanks to that, you can learn and enrich your knowledge anytime and anywhere.

Besides, the obsession method guarantees a 60-day money-back guarantee if you fail to apply. This is like a mortgage that ensures you won’t fail. If you are interested in this course, buy it here to get the best deals.

Disadvantage

Honestly, we didn’t find any downsides to the method. But for a man like me, I’m too lazy to read or watch anything. Therefore, I would like the program to be produced in audio file format.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the cost?

The cost to own the obsession method is $69.65. This is not a very large number. For just $69.95, you will make yourself more attractive to the woman you desire.

For $39.95, the desk also includes a video course that will change your life forever. Not only that, but the system also offers free e-books.

In which, there are 3 titles, including “How to Make Her Approach you,” “sex texts,” and “Sexual Wordsmith.” All of these books are products that go with the course.

The Obsession Method Review: Is this a scam?

We confirm this is not a scam. As mentioned, the method has been tested in real cases and has been successful. So if you are a man who is having trouble finding a relationship, you should buy this product.

Conclusion on The Obsession Method review article

Above is the obsession method review that we want to share with you. Indeed the obsession method is a comprehensive guide on how to text and how to express yourself through body language. The program offers solutions to help you conquer the woman you love.

In short, with the obsession method, you almost don’t have to try too hard and still make an impression in her eyes. Because basically, this method is to help her love you more. So use it and experience big changes in men’s lives.

Credit by: https://selfhelpskills.net/the-obsession-method-review/

[hushedhands]

Challenge 79

For @tardis-23‘s voting challenge, I wrote a little retrospective of Lenore and Xavier’s relationship so far including a couple of dates. I wanted this challenge to feel like a chai latte: a little spicy, very sweet, and warm all the way down!

Lenore woke up the morning after the six month anniversary of her first date with Xavier to the sun peeking through the window shades on her eyes. She turned her head and there was Xay, fast asleep, absolutely glowing in the morning light. If she was any kind of artist, she’d memorize every detail and recreate it for him later because he had absolutely no idea what it was like to wake up next to him in the morning. Like waking up next to a work of art. She couldn’t wait for those brown eyes to flicker open and catch the morning light too.

Lenore usually woke up first so she often got to see him this way. It was fair though, because she was usually the first to sleep and that’s when Xavier got to stare at her in the moonlight. She’d never thought of herself as the kind of person who falls asleep first with someone else in the room, but Xavier had this way of making everything inside of her go quiet. Just like she made everything inside of him spark like electric currents. Electrons flowed from her to him and he flickered to life. Or so he said. Electrical engineers had a strange way of flirting.

Lenore stretched her back and rolled over so that her body was facing his. She slinked an arm over his waist under the warm covers and leaned forward, pressing her lips to his. She could feel the moment he returned to her from his dreams, when his lips responded and he slid his own hand across her bare stomach, teasing her ribs with the pad of his thumb.

“It’s early, Lenna.” he complained, but he wasn’t mad at her technique.

“Not that early, Xay.” she challenged. “We missed the sunrise.”

“Hmm.” Xavier didn’t seem to mind. He pulled her closer and kissed her again, completely uninterested in time.

Time was the thing Lenore was most interested in, though. “We have all day.” she murmured against his mouth. “I don’t want to miss it.”

“Who’s missing it?” he challenged her with a wicked smile.

It wasn’t very often that they got to spend a whole weekend together with no homework or exam revisions or projects to distract them from each other. Lenore refused to spend it all in bed, avoiding the sun. But she could afford to spend a little longer in bed.

Everything about the past six months had been a whirlwind for Lenore. She hadn’t thought she was the kind of girl to get a silly crush on a boy, but from the moment she’d laid eyes on Xavier for the first time, he’d dominated her thoughts in a way that would have dropped her grades at school if she hadn’t done something about it. He was just that cute.

And then they’d started talking. And then that crush had become more.

Before being swept off her feet by Xavier, Lenore thought that sappy, gooey, stupid love was only for movie characters or gorgeous wealthy, entitled princesses. Adrienne was the most likely candidate to experience it in real life, because her genetics were a mix of the most powerful man in the world and a woman who had basically won a beauty pageant to become his bride. Addy inherited looks and wealth, and anyone in the world would trip over themselves for the chance to date her. Fairytale love was her birthright, so no one was more surprised than Lenore when Addy’s relationship with her first boyfriend crashed and burned just as Lenore’s relationship with Xavier really caught fire.

She kept the details to herself to avoid rubbing salt in Addy’s wounded heart, but Lenore was stupidly, idiotically, unreasonably in love with this man, and she was done trying to fight it.

She still remembered their first date, getting to know one another over milkshakes. Lenore learned all about Xavier’s family: all astoundingly good people, it turned out.

“How do you not hate the royal family, I just don’t get it.” Lenore had asked, shaking her head. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the Brat.”

Xavier had chuckled at Lenore’s nickname for the Princess of Illéa.

“But even so… you lost your dad so that she could have hers.”

Xavier had been asked this question before, but he paused to think it over so that he could give Lenore her own unique answer, “I only have one memory of my dad. Nothing special, we were just playing outside. I have a dozen memories of the King treating me and my mother like family. He’s a good man, and I’m proud of my father for saving his life. I don’t hate Princess Adrienne for that, it’s not her fault.”

“I guess hate was the wrong word… maybe resent? I mean, they get your tax dollars and your father? That’s too much.”

Xavier tried again, “Lenore, my dad guarded the King since he was still just a prince. He knew him and Queen America very well. The anniversary of my dad’s death is right before Addy’s birthday. Think about it… the rebel attack that killed my dad came just weeks before the queen gave birth. I’ve thought a lot about what my dad must have been thinking in the split second before he died, when he made the decision to sacrifice himself. Sure, I think he wanted the King, his friend, to have the chance to meet his child the way my dad got to meet me. But mostly, I believe he was thinking of me. I think he wanted King Maxon to be in charge of the country where I grew up, and to be able to teach his heir to be a kind and thoughtful ruler too. If it wasn’t for my dad, Addy’s life would be totally different and none of her brothers and sisters would exist. I don’t hate the royal family, my dad is the reason they’re alive today. They’re basically my responsibility, like plants or pets.” he’d laughed.  

Lenore rubbed her face to hide the fact that she was laughing too. When she emerged she decried, “I just don’t know that Brat-face is worth such a sacrifice.”

“Yes you do.” Xavier pushed back. “Even if you didn’t, it wouldn’t be your calculation to make. A lot of the men in my dad’s generation were drafted into the service. My dad volunteered. He wanted to dedicate his life to preserving the Illéan royal family because he believed in Prince Maxon. That’s exactly what he ended up doing, and you and I both know he was right. King Maxon is extraordinary.”

“We shouldn’t have a monarchy though.” Lenore had mumbled into her milkshake, and Xavier had laughed again.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” he’d rolled those gorgeous eyes at her, completely unfazed by her treason, and that was the moment she knew. She was in way over her head with this boy. 

But how could she make him like her as much as she liked him? She came back with her own story, “My big brother voluntarily enlisted, just like your dad.”

“Really?” she had his attention. Good.

“We haven’t been at war since he was just a baby, but my parents remember the terror of the New Asian war really well. They were so scared when he told them he was enlisting, but I wasn’t scared. I was furious. Why should some stupid man in a stupid golden hat get to decide on a whim where my brother goes and what kind of dangerous things he does? It was ridiculous. But it’s like you said, it wasn’t my calculation to make. Only he gets to decide what his life is worth and how he wants to spend it.”

“How is he?” Xavier asked. It was the kind of question that carried extra meaning between military families.

“Good. He loves it, the big old stupid head.” Lenore had grinned. “He’ll be home for a visit from Fort Eisner in a few months. If you play your cards right, maybe you’ll get to meet him.”

And Xavier played his cards very, very right.

Lenore met his mom over dinner one rainy night in Angeles, and then he joined Lenore for a road trip home to visit her family when her brother returned on leave. Had she ever expected to introduce her whole family to a boy she’d only been dating for a few months? No! 

But that wasn’t the only thing she’d underestimated: she’d had no idea how much she was going to hate her roommates by the end of the semester, so much that she spent almost every night at Xavier’s studio apartment just off of campus instead. Living with her boyfriend? Who was she??

And now that she was used to falling asleep in his arms and waking up next to him in the morning, she never wanted to go back.

She’d expected to spend her twenties and thirties single and focused on her career, and then maybe settle down with someone once she had met some of her other life goals. But if this boy was crazy enough to propose to her, Lenore knew without a doubt that she’d say yes. And she’d only known him for six months. What was wrong with her? 

By the time Xavier and Lenore made it out of bed, the restaurant they were going to was done selling breakfast. They settled for an early lunch before heading to the movie theater for a matinee showing of a classic science fiction movie. Lenore liked the metaphors about society and Xavier liked the special effects. Afterwards, they went grocery shopping for his apartment together and he promised to cook something extra special on the night she would have to stay late on campus to meet with her study group, so she’d have something to look forward to.

How could she tell him that he was what she looked forward to?

When the groceries were put away, they got in his car and went for a drive north, through the back roads, looking for changing leaves. Along the way they found a lookout with a perfect view of the sunset and all the bright little stars that burst forth after dusk. Lenore felt like one of those stars; she’d always been burning, but now she was bright.

She fell asleep on the ride home.

The ride back to his studio apartment.

The ride home.

She was ready for the morning, when she could wake up to that face again.

[rachelkaser]

Stay Golden Sunday: The Break-In

In our first Very Special Episode, the Girls’ home is broken into. Rose doesn’t take it well. Blanche has a bad encounter with mace.

Picture It...

The Girls are returning from a Madonna concert, only to open the door and find the house has been ransacked -- they’ve been robbed. After determining that the robbers are no longer present, the Girls separate to check their rooms to see what was stolen. Rose, left alone in the living room, is absolutely petrified the robbers will come back. Dorothy returns and accidentally scares Rose. The robbers made off with Dorothy’s mink stole.

Blanche emerges from the kitchen covered in flour. The robbers got her jewels, which she keeps hidden in the flour or the freezer. Sophia tries to say her clothes were stolen but Dorothy doesn’t buy it. The Girls argue about why they were robbed, with Blanche saying it’s karma, while Rose insists they’d be safer with a man around. Sophia and Dorothy go to rest until the police arrive, while Blanche says she’ll see the robbers whipped and hanged for daring to touch her jewels.

The girls attempt to purchase a security system, but the salesman is doing everything he can to freak them out with statistics about violent crime. Unwilling to acquiesce to paying $10,000 despite the hard sell, Dorothy angrily throws him out. The girls go to get dinner, but the guard dog Rose got is camped out in the kitchen. Sophia eventually gets fed up and goes in the kitchen anyway. According to her the dog peed on the floor and ran for it. Clearly Rose is already starting to overcompensate for security.

Blanche is on the couch, groaning in pain as Dorothy tends to her. Rose comes running in, having mistaken their gardener for a “swarthy man with a weapon.” She assumes Blanche was attacked, but Blanche tells a different story: She took what she thought was a bottle of hairspray from Rose’s room, then went to the police station about her jewelry. When she sprayed herself, she found the hard way it was mace. Rose says she no longer needs mace, as she just bought a gun. Dorothy says Rose is now going overboard, as she doesn’t know how to use a gun, and insists they all go see a psychiatrist.

The Girls return later, having seen the psychiatrist. Dorothy feels better, Blanche picked up a date with him, and Sophia didn’t like him. Rose, on the other hand, wasn’t comforted at all -- she feels worse, believing he was her last hope. The girls reveal that Rose now doesn’t sleep at night at all, but sleeps during the day and then keeps an all-night vigil with the gun.

At night, we see the house in darkness and hear a man’s voice. The door opens, the alarm goes off, and Rose blindly fires her gun in the direction of the door. The lights go on, revealing Blanche and a date; Rose shot Blanche’s Chinese vase. Dorothy and Sophia come in as Blanche sends her date, who accidentally set off the alarm, away. Sophia helps Blanche pick up the pieces of the vase (while hiding some, because she hates the vase).

Dorothy tries to tell Rose this has all gone too far, and Rose can’t live this way, and tries to tell her that the robbery is over and she’s safe now. Rose has a breakdown and says, in her mind, the people who invaded her home will always be there. Dorothy holds her while she sobs.

This comes to a head when we next see Rose walking alone in a parking garage. Suddenly she hears footsteps behind her and looks back to see a shadowy figure. She panics and bolts for the stairs, as a man races after her, calling out for her. She makes it down the stairs before he catches up with her and grabs her. We see her cry out in fear before it cuts away.

Sophia and Dorothy are playing Scrabble, and Sophia denies Dorothy the right to disprove her word “disdam” by saying the robbers took the dictionary. Blanche announces they caught the robbers, and they found Dorothy’s stole. Rose comes home and tells them about the parking garage. When the man grabbed her, she managed to knock him to the ground. She’s finally got her confidence back, knowing she can take care of herself, which prompts Blanche to go put champagne on ice. Unfortunately, the man who was chasing Rose was the parking attendant, trying to give her back her keys. But at least Rose isn’t afraid. Blanche comes back with a surprise: Her jewelry was in the freezer the whole time.

“Now get out of here before the victim of violent crime in this house is you.”

This is by far the heaviest episode of Golden Girls yet. I hesitated at first to dub this a Very Special Episode, since I usually associate that term more with hot button issues of the moment. But it’s got all the highlights -- intense emotional responses, trauma, and references to a social problem of some kind (in this case, crime).

This is another episode written by Susan Harris, and I meant what I said about how her episodes are almost universally good. She has a knack for being able to make the girls feel sad or deeply emotional without it sounding preachy or overwrought. Rose’s confused attempts to verbalize how the crime has effected her perfectly capture how that kind of trauma feels.

ROSE: I know it’s over. I know they’re gone. But not for me. For me, in my mind, they’ll always be here.

Harris is also particularly good at showing how, having gone through that, Rose needs to heal from the inside. Rose’s attempts to compensate for her suddenly-missing security aren’t particularly effective, and it’s because, for Rose, nothing would ever be good enough, would make her feel safe enough. So while, when I first saw this episode I was a little baffled by Rose’s proclamation that “I’m not helpless,” I now appreciate it for what it is -- Rose reclaiming her own inner sense of safety, at the expense of one beleaguered parking attendant.

Speaking as an adult woman myself, being told that we can take care of ourselves and that we’re not helpless is something I think more women need to hear. Though I do have one question: Why didn’t that idiot parking attendant say that’s who he was, or attempt to tell her why he was chasing her? That fool deserves as many knees in his safety deposit box as he gets.

The emotional struggles don’t stop the episode from being hilarious, though. With the first two minutes, Dorothy gives a Dirty Harry monologue that I’d put on par with Clint Eastwood’s any day.

In fact, everyone gets their shot at a great comedy moment: Blanche is hilariously angry about the robbery, and Rue McClanahan gets the chance to show her comedy chops are just as strong as the other girls, especially her rant about the mace. Were it not for Sophia’s awesome line (see below), Blanche’s distressed cry of “I MACED MYSELF right there in the police station” would be my favorite part of the episode.

Dorothy, on the other hand, handles the situation very practically, even pointing out the societal ill that caused someone to rob them in the first place (massive unemployment). She even suggests they see a psychiatrist, which strikes me as surprisingly progressive -- even today, you’ll find people who respond to the suggestion of therapy the way Rose does: “You think I’m crazy!” The only time she really seems to crack is when she realizes Rose bought a gun -- and by the way, an understated but still great moment of visual comedy is watching Rose pull multiple skeins of yarn out of the same shopping bag where she’s carrying a handgun.

At first it seems strange that Sophia is so blasé about the robbery, immediately going to sleep after it happens. While the other girls shriek and gasp when they discover the ransacked house, Sophia’s response is a weary “Oh boy.” But then, in her “Stable Mabel” rant, she points out that she’s seen a lot more than a simple burglary in her time, and there’s not much that’ll phase her anymore. Her attempts to use it to con Dorothy out of new clothes and a Scrabble win are another early sign her character isn’t just “vaguely suffering from discretion-shattering stroke,” but is actually rather clever and devious -- traits that’ll become more apparent when she gets standout episodes.

As Very Special Episodes go, to me this is a good template for how to do it right. The situation is treated seriously, and there are two big dramatic moments (one the gun-shooting scene, the other Rose being chased through the parking garage). However, the show puts in about three jokes for every dramatic moment, and it’s those jokes you remember the episode for just as much as the important moment behind it. GG will do this again, but this will always remain one of the best.

Episode rating: 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰 (five cheesecake slices out of five)

Favorite Part of the Episode:

You can’t beat Sophia, who’s been the stoic all episode, finally blowing her stack after Rose shoots her gun:

[rigonelli]

how bout He Tian cooking for MoMo for once as a writing prompt?

(Thanks anon! I had a lot of fun with this. Sorry it got so chaotic, but I guess… He Tian cooking can’t really end any other way, huh?)

Seduce me with your cock jokes

„I don’t think it’s supposed to be purple.”

He Tian turned away from the poisonous-looking concoction on the stove to glower at Mo Guan Shan.

“Didn’t I tell you not to intervene?”

“I tried to, but I think I heard your sauce screaming from the back of the room,” said Mo Guan Shan, imitating a high-pitched scream, “Help me! Help me! Even though I’m literally only three ingredients mixed together, I have become sentient in my pain!”

He Tian had to stop stirring the sauce, which immediately turned into a lump of slime at the bottom of the pan. He couldn’t believe Mo Guan Shan. Did he want to die?

His incredulous look was met with a bratty raise of the eyebrows.

“What?” said Mo Guan Shan. “Did you spend all that time talking me into a date only to knock me on the head with a wooden spoon? Because I will go home!”

“It’s the alcohol!” He Tian realized after a second. “Alcohol makes you brave?”

Finally, the well-known fiery-red skin-color that usually decorated Mo Guan Shan’s face returned. 

“It’s not the alcohol! I’m not an easily blushing teenager who’s afraid of you!”

He clearly swallowed the ‘anymore’ on his tongue. 

“Oh, but you see – you’re mistaken,” drawled He Tian, sporting the lazy grin he knew would drive his little redhead up the wall. “This is not a date. If it were, I wouldn’t be cooking for you.”

“You’re right,” said Mo Guan Shan, fighting to gain his composure back. “This is more like… torture? What do I owe the mafia, what will it take to keep you from feeding me this poisonous, flesh-eating lump of gravy?”

He Tian refused to show his surprise again. He was starting to enjoy this snappy version of Mo. 

“You asked for this,” He Tian reminded him. “And I’m only indulging you because you somehow found a way to cheat at basketball, and-“

“There is no way to cheat at basketball,” said Mo Guan Shan. “I won because I actually still play it in my free time, whereas you are too busy skinning politicians alive.”

“Don’t make stupid assumptions about my job.”

“Don’t think you’re still superior to me. The way I see it, you’re a grown man who is starting to lose his youthful fitness, still lives in his uncle’s apartment, and can’t cook for shit.”

He Tian had no words for that, so he just stared, waiting for Mo Guan Shan to falter under his evil eye. The wooden spoon he was holding fed thick, syrupy droplets of gravy to the linoleum floor. Mo Guan Shan tried his best to return the stare, but his face was still red, and he probably had to fight the urge to toss the wooden spoon into the sink and clean the floor. 

“Will you have my babies?” He Tian finally asked.

“Wh- what?”

“I’m serious, I think you just gave me an erection.”

Mo Guan Shan spluttered incoherently, trying his hardest not to look down He Tian’s body to check if it was true. The red hue on his face intensified until it was practically black. 

He Tian grinned, pleased. There was his little redhead. So grown up, but still as cute as always. 

“I thought this wasn’t a date,” Mo Guan Shan finally coughed. “So keep it in your pants.”

“I don’t know if I can. You keep being so bold and sexy.”

Mo Guan Shan finally tore the wooden spoon from his hand. “Shut up!” he said, turning towards the sink to hide his face. “Let me take care of the sauce. You can make the eggs. That’s even easier. Even you should manage.”

“Okeydokey,” sang He Tian, happily turning towards the fridge. It had been hard work to get Mo Guan Shan this far – even though he still blushed just thinking about He Tian’s erection, he had admitted that he saw this as a date. After all these years of pining, He Tian might just start to see the finish line in the distance. 

Mo Guan Shan was already done with the sauce when he realized that He Tian still stood in front of the open fridge, staring inside.

“The hell?” he spat. “Get working!”

“I might have a problem,” admitted He Tian, closing the fridge door. “I’m out of eggs.”

“You’re what?” Mo Guan Shan screeched.

“Are they that important?”

“For Egg Foo Yung?” Mo Guan Shan threw his hands up, raging. “That’s eggs with gravy! What do you want to do – sip the pure gravy out of a bowl?”

“It’s basically a soup,” said He Tian, mostly to rile Mo Guan Shan up even more. Unfortunately, that just led to his ‘date’ stomping away to grab his jacket.

“I’m going home,” he announced. “I still have perfectly good leftovers in my own fridge.”

“Wait!” He Tian grabbed his hand. “It’s okay, I can get us some eggs.”

“It’s too late, all the shops are closed!”

“That’s okay, I have my connections…”

Mo Guan Shan stared at him, yanking his hand away. “Are you serious?” he blistered. “Don’t use your weird mafia family to get eggs! That’s just creepy!”

He Tian needed a moment to understand Mo Guan Shan’s line of thought. “What? Of course not – I mean, I have a completely off-the-rails crazy neighbor who keeps a flock of hens in his apartment.”

At least that was weird enough to make Mo Guan Shan stop in his tracks and turn away from the door. 

“You what?”

“Old man, on the ground floor. Must have inherited the apartment, because he’s poor, I think, or he just likes selling eggs. Anyway, I’m sure he has some fresh ones, I’ll go get some.”

He walked past Mo Guan Shan, out the door towards the elevator to show that he meant it. Mo Guan Shan followed, but took his jacket off to make sure He Tian knew he wasn’t running off.

“You’re joking, right?” Mo Guan Shan said on the elevator ride down. “We’re just doing the normal thing and ask any normal neighbor to borrow an egg.”

“Do you know me as a big joker?” He Tian asked. 

“I mean. I have like a thousand dick pics you sent me as a joke.”

“Didn’t know how to come on to you back then.” He Tian shrugged. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. 

Mo Guan Shan followed a step behind He Tian as if he were trying to hide from the crazy hen-Person.

“He’s not gonna eat you,” He Tian chuckled as he rang the doorbell. “Wait a minute…”

The door opened just as He Tian turned to Mo Guan Shan and loudly exclaimed, “You kept my dick pics?”

A punch in the arm was his only reward. That and the old crazy hen-man’s furrowed brows.

“What do you want this late?” he croaked. 

“My friend here doesn’t believe that you keep a flock of chickens in your apartment,” said He Tian, pointing his thumb towards Mo Guan Shan, who moved even closer to hide behind his body. “Can you show him?”

“Couldn’t you just ask for the eggs?” Mo Guan Shan whispered angrily, but the old man had already opened the door and motioned for them to come inside. He Tian entered the apartment, barely containing his glee. The incredulous, “What the fuck?” behind him was so good, it sent shivers down his spine. Too bad he couldn’t see Mo’s face right now.

“Is this… allowed?” Mo Guan Shan wondered aloud, looking around at the interior. Couch, bed, tables and open cupboards – everything had been taken by the hens. A whole wardrobe was converted into a chicken coop with different floors, completely covered in hay. There were nests with fresh eggs in them. 

Mo Guan Shan had forgotten to be wary of the crazy chicken man and walked through the apartment in silent wonder. He Tian was content just to watch him. 

“How is there no shit anywhere?” he asked after a while. 

The old man turned from where he was bent into the wardrobe to gather some eggs. “Taught them to use the litter box,” he grunted. 

Mo Guan Shan received that information without blinking an eyelid. There was no room for more bewilderment.

“You wanna see somethin’ special?” the old man asked. He Tian thought it sounded a little suspicious – like he was going for the ‘want to look at my bunnies?’ shtick. But Mo Guan Shan had thrown all caution out the window.

“More special than this? Hell yeah!”

The bunnies weren’t even that far off in the end. He Tian followed the two into the bathroom, which emitted an eerie red light. Not even that scared Mo Guan Shan off. He Tian silently congratulated himself on a successful date. This was so much better than going to the movies.

“In there,” said the old man, pointing to the bathtub. The constant peeping spoiled the surprise before they actually saw the baby chicks under the heat lamp, but Mo Guan Shan still gave a soft gasp.

“What the fuck!” Those words had never been whispered so gently. “They’re… they’re so small!”

“Touch one,” said the creepy old man. He Tian sent him an icy glare – it wouldn’t hurt to turn the rapey-ness down a notch. But Mo Guan Shan happily grabbed for a little chick and held it in his hands. 

“And so soft!” His face relaxed in one of those extremely rare, memorable moments. He Tian almost stopped breathing, just watching him.

“Yeah, I’ll have to flush that one down the toilet,” grumbled the old man, effectively flushing the nice moment down the toilet. 

“What?” Mo Guan Shan screeched.

“It’s a cock. I only need one of those.”

“So you flush it down the toilet?” Mo Guan Shan protectively laid a hand over the chick, as if to cover its ears. “It’s just a little baby!”

“That seems cruel,” He Tian agreed. “You could at least give it a quick death. Wring it’s neck or something.”

“He Tian!” Mo Guan Shan screeched again. Then, suddenly, his eyes turned pleading. “We can’t let it die! Let’s take it to your apartment!”

He Tian blinked, not sure if Mo Guan Shan was serious. 

“Why? To cook it?”

“Of course not! To save it!”

He was about to say no. He really was. It was the stupidest idea he’d ever heard. But a far-away memory, the echo of a puppy-dog’s howling rang in his ears, and he just couldn’t. 

“I’ll sell it for a thousand yuan,” the old man tried. He Tian’s glare shut him up.

Turning back to Mo Guan Shan, he said, “But only if you say it.”

“Say what?”

“Say: He Tian – I want you to take my cock. I want you to pet it and kiss it and care for it. I want you to let it grow. I want you to-“

“This is no time for making cock-jokes!” Mo Guan Shan yelled, still covering the chick’s ears. He paused a moment to glower at He Tian. 

He Tian waited patiently.

“Please take my cock,” Guan Shan finally ground out.

With a feeling like he hadn’t really thought this whole thing through, He Tian started to beam. “Great! We’ll take him!” He turned to look at the old man. “And I’ll take a carton of eggs. Here are forty yuan.”

The man took He Tian’s money with a shrug, went to fetch a carton of eggs and shooed them out of the apartment.

“Next time, don’t wake me up!” he warned, slamming the door shut.

“What a miserable guy,” said He Tian. He turned to look at Mo Guan Shan when he heard a soft ‘ouch!’

The chick had shat all over Mo Guan Shan’s hand and was now pecking at his fingers. He Tian watched him struggle for a while, then sighed.

“You’re already regretting this, aren’t you?”

“No!” Mo Guan Shan said, clearly lying. “It’s just nervous, because we just took it from its friends and home!”

“Its home was a bathtub.”

“Whatever,” he said and entered the elevator. He Tian followed behind, pressing the button for his floor, ignoring the sounds of pain coming from his date.

Mo Guan Shan managed to hold back until they stood in front of He Tian’s door. Then he finally caved.

“Hey. Would you… Any chance you’d like to hold my cock?”

He Tian opened his door with a grin.

“Anytime, my love. Anytime.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (Bonus 1)

 “I’ll kill him!” He Tian groaned, pulling up the blanket to cover his ears. “And I hate you!”

“Wow, you’ve gotten a lot less suck-uppy now that you’ve actually managed to fuck me, huh?”

“Fuck off!” He Tian mumbled through the thick blanket, which still wasn’t able to drown out the cock’s incessant crowing. “And learn some words! And for fuck’s sake, silence your shitty pet!”

The mattress moved under Mo Guan Shan’s weight as he climbed out of the bed in search of the bird he had saved four month ago. 

Or rather; that he had talked He Tian into saving. On that day, He Tian couldn’t have known how horrible that decision would turn out to be. Sure, the remaining evening had been great. They had built a little house for the chick out of cardboard, paper and a table lamp. They had eaten a great Egg Foo Yung which Mo Guan Shan had cooked (they both agreed that He Tian would never be let loose in a kitchen ever again). And although the amount of noise the chick had made had seemed impossible for such a small thing, they had both been able to ignore it long enough to have very special and great sex.

Unfortunately, as the chick had grown, so had the noise. And now it started to wake them up with the most sinister cock-a-doodle-doo He Tian had ever heard.

The third crow had him toss his blanket to the side to stomp into the kitchen in search of a frying pan to flatten the monster bird with. Unfortunately, Mo Guan Shan had rearranged everything as soon as he had moved in and now He Tian couldn’t find it fast enough before two arms wrapped around him and a warm, naked body pressed against his back.

“Relax,” Mo Guan Shan said, pressing his face between He Tian’s shoulder blades. “I fed him. He’s quiet now.”

“One of these days, I’ll throw him out of the window just to see if it’s really true that chickens can’t fly!” He Tian grumbled, but he felt the anger seep out of him with every second their bodies were touching. “I’m telling you – that bird is possessed by a demon!”

“That’s just how roosters are,” Mo Guan Shan said.

“No, I’m serious! It has a murderous glint in its eye. Did I tell you about how I came home the other day and saw it on the kitchen counter with a knife in its beak?”

“Yeah, I still think you’re over-exaggerating.”

“It’s true! The big steak knife!”

“I don’t think She Li would be strong enough to hold that up. And how would he have gotten in the drawers?”

He Tian turned in Mo Guan Shan’s embrace to give him a serious look. “I’m just saying. If you ever come home to find the rooster a bloody mess on the floor, it was only because I wanted to protect you.”

“Noted,” Mo Guan Shan said, leaning in to kiss He Tian.

He Tian closed his eyes, happy to let himself be wrapped around Mo Guan Shan’s little finger. Maybe he was stupid to let a murderous, noisy rooster live in his apartment just because his boyfriend had a soft spot for animals.

But.

For Mo Guan Shan? 

He Tian would even let a She Li live in his bathtub, no questions asked. Because it was true love, baby.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (Bonus 2)

  He Tian was still fuming when he opened the door to their apartment. It had been a long and strenuous day at work. Most days were. But to top it all off, this morning, after being as rudely awoken as always, he had found his favorite jacket in pieces on the floor. And not just that – it was covered in shit.

Mo Guan Shan had left for work already and He Tian hadn’t gotten up to feed She Li, and this was the result of the rooster’s rage.

Had it not been the exact date of their 6 months anniversary, He Tian would have finally made good on his promises and wrung the bird’s neck.

“Welcome home!”

Mo Guan Shan’s voice finally managed to calm He Tian a bit – that and the delicious smell coming from the kitchen.

“You cooked?” he asked, peeking around the corner, where Mo Guan Shan was just finishing up a salad, still clad in his stained apron that looked so cute on him.

“Yes,” Mo Guan Shan said. “It’s my anniversary present for you.”

“Okay?” He Tian said, hanging up his jacket and slipping out of his shoes. “It’s not like that’s a rare thing, though.”

“Are you complaining?”

“Would never,” He Tian grinned. Then he saw the table. “Wow! Looks like a feast!”

“Took me a few hours,” Guan Shan admitted. “I’m done now.”

He put the salad on the table, put the apron away and produced two wine glasses and a bottle of red wine from the pantry.

“Fancy,” He Tian commented. He sat down and accepted the glass Mo Guan Shan poured for him. “This day is really taking a turn for the better.”

“I saw the mess,” Mo Guan Shan said. “Sorry about that.”

“Let’s not think about it for a moment.”

They clinked their glasses together.

“To six happy months. They were only like five years overdue,” He Tian said. 

“If you had sent me less dick pics, I may have gotten curious earlier.”

“Ouch.”

They both took a sip, sighing contently. 

“Well… I hope you enjoy the food,” Mo Guan Shan said. “This took a lot of work.”

“It smells delicious.” He Tian reached for his cutlery to take a tentative bite from the meat off his plate and immediately leaned back in bliss when the flavors hit his tongue. “Are you kidding me? This is the best thing you ever made! What the hell?”

“I won’t reveal my secrets,” Mo Guan Shan said, hiding his smile behind his wine glass, which didn’t really work, since it was see-through. “Now just shut up and enjoy.”

“Oh, I will!” He Tian said, leaning forward again to take another bite. “Speaking of shutting up – it’s so quiet around here. How did you get She Li to shut up? Did you take him to the crazy hen-man for the night?”

Mo Guan Shan just shrugged his shoulder and cut a piece off the delicious chicken-breast on his own plate. “Yeah, something like that,” he said, smiling again.

“Something like that.”