#and then the night before last i dreamt that i was at my exs house where he grew up and i was with his mom and i was like

[apathyfairy]

why am i being tortured in my dreams like i was dreaming that someone was trying to break into my house and kill me and i was trying to dial 911 but you know in dreams how the number never comes out right so it never works so i was like wait. this is a dream! so i was trying sooo hard to wake up but i couldn’t and then i was like ok i guess it’s not a dream and had to just keep living in that world like please i just need some rest

[eihoons]

enhypen as your ex but they want you back ✮

ex-bf!enhypen x reader , them wanting you back , fluff , angst (?) (note: not really sure abt this one but i just really love angst)

❝ heeseung ❞

Misses you day and night

Could NOT sleep without you beside him (as if you were his source of warmth and love especially him being in your arms or vice versa)

Really did try his best to forget you

Would always try and stop himself from viewing your social media accounts, your old conversations, and your old pictures together.

But, unfortunately (or the other way around), he failed.

He couldn't take it anymore, he wanted to talk with you for the last time and so, he did.

Went to your house, and tried to talk it out as if it were a misunderstanding.

Would hold your hand and take a deep breath before talking about it.

"y/n, I know we already talked about it, but.. I'm sure this was just a misunderstanding. I have to admit, my life isn't it without you."

❝ jay ❞

Suddenly had a feeling he had to see you because he dreamt about you one night.

The dream about you was something he wouldn't dare forget because it somehow felt real to him.

Obviously knows where your daily activities are, so he attempted in meeting you one day at your nearby favorite cafe.

Would look all around the place for you.

As he spotted you, he did his best to calm down, waiting for you to approach him first.

Of course you saw him, but you, on the other hand, also waited for him to approach you first.

It definetly took quite a long time for Jay to wait, so he got up and walked towards you.

"Hi, y/n. Uh, I know we haven't really been talking to each other these days but I want to keep in touch. I do know you're trying to move on, but, as much as possible I still want to stay as your friend."

Would say he still wants to be your friend, but deep inside his heart he wanted to go and ask you out once again.

❝ jake ❞

You, Jake, and Layla have been under the same roof ever since you and Jake had been together.

But, of course, due to you and Jake's parting, you had to move out.

Jake noticed Layla looking down ever since she had noticed you were gone and didn't have any signs of you coming back.

If Layla was miserable, then so was him.

He loved Layla most, aside from you. So, he decided to meet up with you, bringing up Layla as an excuse.

As you both finally met again, awkwardness filled the air. On the other hand, Layla ran up to you, making you stumble a bit.

"I guess she misses you more than I do.. or maybe I do miss you more, y/n."

Would finally look into your eyes, although he is trying his best to prevent his tears from falling.

Would hold your hand and say,

"Please come back to us, y/n. You have no idea how much I miss your presence in our house. It feels so.. empty without you."

After thinking about it, he gave you such a tight yet comforting hug. This was something you surely missed.

❝ sunghoon ❞

Man cried the first whole week after you guys broke up

He knew he made a huge mistake thinking that he'd be better off without you.

Would be in his room for days, planning out how he would apologize or rather how he'd get you back in his arms.

An unexpected coincidence happened in your nearby convenience store. Your hands accidentally touching on the last stock of your favorite food.

He didn't really enjoy this type of food, but for you, he will. He would buy this often because some part of you still lives within him.

After meeting your eyes, he was lost in words. So, you started the conversation instead.

"Oh, Sunghoon, uhm.. hi?"

"H- Hey.. y/n."

"What brings you here buying.. this? I thought you didn't really like it."

"Ah, uhm, ah.. it reminded me of you. Your favorite food, right?"

Mentally slaps himself because this wasn't how things were supposed to go in his head.

After paying for the food at the counter, he finally composed himself and held your shoulder, making you face him, and said, "I miss you so much, y/n. I was such an idiot thinking I could live without you. It came up to the point where I couldn't even call my home my 'home' without you. I'm really sorry, y/n. Please come back."

❝ sunoo ❞

You and Sunoo had each other's back ever since. You were his best friend, his comfort person, and his human diary. He couldn't rant to anyone else but you.

Has always been reading your text conversations, but knew it wouldn't be the same since you have separated.

Was always so close to messaging you about his days, not until he accidentally sent you one.

"y/n i miss you so much that you dont have the slightest idea how i cry every night knowing you wouldnt be there to comfort me.. i just wish you were here wiping my tears and hugging me"

Knew he'd be doomed but didn't expect you to reply that fast.

You replied with, "sunoo, it's always been the same for me, if you're free lets meet up at the park tomorrow okay? i miss you too, see you"

Was in so much joy, jumping in his room and eventually thanked himself for sending that message.

As you two had met, he thought to himself that you were still as beautiful as ever.

"y/nnie—"

Got cut off once you ran to him, hugging his torso.

Would caress your head slowly, combing your hair with his fingers.

"I love you, y/n. I always will."

❝ jungwon ❞

Thought he wasn't a good boyfriend for you since he knew he didn't give you much time and love. But it wasn't like that for you, you completely understood him.

Realized that it was somehow a mistake of his to break up with you since he wasn't feeling himself ever since you were gone.

Tears up every time he thinks about you because he misses you so much :(

Eventually promised himself he'd be better to you, so he wanted to meet you once again.

Prepared a whole speech just to prove you that he would treat you better this time.

Brought you your favorite food along with a bouquet of your favorite flowers.

"y/n, I know you won't probably accept this but.. I really need you in my life. You've been my motivation and my reason to keep going on everyday. Without you i- it's just.. plain and empty. y/n, please forgive me and I'll treat you a hundred times better, I'm really sorry, y/n."

You saying yes meant the world to him, he was way more than happy.

And when he said he'd treat you a hundred times better, he really meant it.

❝ ni-ki ❞

Was a childhood friend of yours, so, your parents basically knew each other.

Then, you guys somehow started dating but ended up parting because of frequent arguments.

He had so much regrets with not treating you right because he thought it'd be easy finding someone else for him. But it wasn't, you were THE only one for him :)

A family dinner was held at their place after a long time of not seeing each other. (Their family inviting yours)

A perfect opportunity it was for Ni-ki since he missed playing his favorite games with you.

His heart flipped seeing you in such a beautiful dress— No, he thought, you always looked good in anything.

Ni-ki then invited you to his room after eating, but an awkward silence had only been formed.

You were caught off-guard when he suddenly pulled you into a hug, a very familiar one. This was your Ni-ki

So, you didn't have any choice but to hug back.

You then heard him sniffing, assuming he had been crying.

"You have no idea how much I've been longing for this, y/n. Can you please just come home to me? What else is the point of playing all these games without you?"

© eihoons

m.list

[flowerandblood]

The Prince and The Fox (5)

[ modern! • Aemond x friend! • female ]

[ warnings: angst, violence, swearing ]

[ description: After the events of her childhood, despite her best efforts, her neighbor and the younger brother of her friend Helaena, Aemond, does not want to know her. This state lasts until a house party organized by his older brother, Aegon, during which an incident occurs that will change their relationship forever. Slow burn, angst, toxic ex-Alys, rough Aemond. This is several anon requests combined into one fic. ]

WARNING: The main plot between the characters takes place in high school. Yes, in high school. The belief that teenagers wait with an intimacy when they are in love in high school is ridiculous to me. Aemond and the character here are the same age. Don't ask me how old they are, in my country you are of the age of consent in your first year of high school and an adult in the last year of high school, so if it is more convenient for you, think about it that way and decide for yourself. In this story, I am not following the trail that they are magically friends right away, but how they become friends and what that even means. I'm writing this fic to give the perspective of young, lost people, not adult women who want to see exactly themselves in everything they read. If that's all you expect, this isn't the fic for you.

I don't want whining about this in my comments or asks. I will delete these and block you. You have been warned.

Aemond + Evans Series Moodboard

This is my first story that has its own playlist, but yes! Get in the mood! Story Music Playlist Song used in this chapter: Ooh to be ah (Kajagoogoo)

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Next chapters: Masterlist

_____

In the morning, she was woken from a deep sleep by Helaena saying that breakfast was ready and that if she felt like it, she could take a shower afterwards. She rubbed her eyes, not knowing for a moment where she was or what had happened.

She thanked her and swallowed loudly, remembering the scenes from the night before, wondering for a moment if it was real or if she had just dreamt it. She quickly unlocked her phone to see her message history and froze.

Oh fuck.

She pressed her lips together thinking only of how embarrassingly pleasurable what she had experienced with him was, a closeness that probably surprised both her and him.

He enjoyed it.

He wouldn't have done it if it had been any other way.

She thought she couldn't screw it up.

She felt something for him.

She was surprised to see that in the kitchen, besides their mother, was also their father, whom she saw extremely rarely, from what Helaena told her he was often away on long business trips.

"Good morning." She said softly, and he nodded with a smile, swallowing loudly a piece of bread roll he had just taken a bite of.

"Good morning."

She decided to eat something light and settled for cornflakes with milk. She almost choked on them when Aemond appeared out of the blue, apparently he had just taken a shower because his hair was still damp.

He sat down opposite her and gave her a meaningful glance that made her hot, then reached his hand for the pancakes, involuntarily running his tongue over his lower lip.

She remembered the touch of his lips on hers, how soft and firm they were, how well he kissed, and lowered her gaze, swallowing loudly as she continued eating, listening to the exchange between Aegon and his mother.

"Your tutor says you can't concentrate and you're constantly looking through your phone instead of listening to what the teachers are saying." She said lowly, apparently hoping her husband would pick up on the subject as well. Mr Targaryen looked at her surprised and grunted, glancing at his son.

"Is that true, Aegon?"

Aegon rolled his eyes, combing through his hair with an impatient hand gesture, and snorted.

"It's Sunday for goodness sake, can I have at least one day of peace?"

After breakfast she thanked their parents for their hospitality, grabbed her things and decided she would go home, not wanting to take up any more of their time, she had to study for a test on Monday anyway.

Helaena hugged her and thanked her again for the lovely time, she glanced out of the corner of her eye at her brother who was sitting at the table looking at her with an impenetrable gaze.

They had not written to each other.

She wanted to, was even dying over not having contact with him, but on the other hand she thought that she couldn't keep nagging him now, that she had promised herself that she would let it all go at a leisurely pace, that hurrying might only discourage him.

She wondered if he was also thinking about her and what had happened between them.

The next day she got up very early and ran to take a shower, excited to see him again at the bus stop, to talk again. She was afraid that it would be awkward and weird, but at the same time she couldn't get the smile off her face. She decided to wear her favourite black short-sleeved dress with a collar, fastened with big white buttons and topped it off with black trainers.

She showed up well ahead of schedule, however, she couldn't stand to be home anymore out of excitement. She could feel her legs bouncing with excitement as she sat on the bench.

She swallowed loudly when she saw him walking with his backpack thrown over his shoulder from across the street, earphones in his ears as usual. Not knowing why, she got up from her seat as he walked closer, looking at him with big eyes.

For a moment they stared at each other, not knowing how to act, she could feel her heart pounding hard.

He pressed his lips together and looked away, swallowing loudly, without even taking his earphones out of his ears.

Something was wrong.

She didn't know why she felt such a tight squeeze of disappointment when he didn't sit next to her on the bus, but somewhere in the back, sitting with his hood pulled over his head, his forehead pressed against the glass.

He took a few steps back for some reason.

She swallowed loudly, feeling tears under her eyelids, turning the other way, wondering what she had done wrong.

She wiped her cheek with a trembling hand, ashamed that he had broken her heart with such ease.

She didn't seek his gaze or his attention, subconsciously sensing that he didn't want it, trying to focus on the class but feeling only a tightness in her throat and discomfort in her stomach. She thought she wanted to maintain her dignity, that she wouldn't run after him and beg on her knees for an explanation.

If he wanted to move away and changed his mind, so be it.

She tried not to look at him while he and a few other people stood at the bus stop waiting for their bus to arrive. She shuddered, however, when she heard someone say his name, a low, feminine voice.

She turned over her shoulder and noticed how a college-looking girl, much older than them threw her arms around him, she had long, beautiful raven-black hair, she was dressed in a smart, light-coloured coat and long, black heeled boots.

She looked so mature.

"Why aren't you answering my messages? Are you angry with me?" She asked, touching his arm in a way that suggested she knew him very well.

She saw him give her a quick, frightened look, as if he was uncomfortable that she was watching the scene, and then swallowed loudly, tense.

"Not here, Alys." He replied so quietly that she barely heard it.

"Are you ashamed of me?" She giggled, a genuine smile on her lips, her eyes bright, intense green, beautiful.

She felt tears under her eyelids again and turned her back to them, quickly putting her earphones in her ears, not wanting to hear this discussion, turning on 'Ooh to Be Ah' by Kajagoogoo on her phone, feeling the tears run down her face.

She stared dully ahead, wondering if they were together, if she had miscalculated in thinking that he was inexperienced and lost just like her.

She imagined him the way she wanted to see him.

She boarded the bus first, not caring if he was still talking to her or not. She sat down in the first better available seat, and when she saw that he immediately sat next to her she pressed her lips together and stood up, wanting to change.

She felt him grab her arm, felt him say something to her, but she pulled away from him.

"Now do you want to talk?" She growled, not even taking her earphones out of her ears, not even caring what he had to say, walking to the other end of the bus, tired and frustrated by his behaviour, by the fact that he didn't know what he wanted, by deciding for himself when they were supposed to talk and when they weren't.

She wasn't a toy but a human being who felt.

She figured real friends didn't behave like that.

She waited until everyone had left before heading for the exit and saw through the window that he hadn't gone home but was waiting, his earphones hanging by his neck from under his sweatshirt. She squeezed her eyes shut, sighing heavily.

Fuck.

She stepped off the bus, pretending not to see him, but he immediately followed her, grabbing her by her arm, turning her violently in his direction, ripping her earphones from her ears.

"− what −"

"− can you fucking wait? − I'm talking to you −" He growled, and she pulled away from him, frowning her eyebrows, furious.

"Just an hour ago you were pretending you didn't know me, my friend." She said with a sneer, turning away from him again, his hand again on her arm, this time clenched much tighter.

"That hurts." She muttered as he turned her again violently, holding her wrist, his jaw clenched, fury in his eyes.

"− just − just stop for fucking second and listen − okay? −" He asked, and she sighed heavily, looking away, standing still, feeling like her heart was in her throat.

She didn't know if she wanted to hear what he had to say.

"My ex-girlfriend texted me last night saying she wanted to meet me. That she misses me. I couldn't recover from her for a long time. I didn't know anymore what or if I felt for her after everything that happened between us… you know. Fuck. I just wanted to think it all through. Alone. And instead of giving me time, like you did, she came to our school nagging me. Okay?" He asked lowly, leaning over her, and she looked at him with a pained expression.

"Whenever you have to think about something are you going to pretend you don't know me? Don't worry, from me you will never experience nagging. I don't want a friend who cares only about his comfort. I will not be your secondary solace. I regret everything that has happened between us." She said with pain and disappointment, pulling away from him and moving towards her house without looking at him.

It took me a long time to recover from her.

I didn't know how I felt.

He still loved her.

He still loved her, and yet he himself proposed that she stay with him, that she kiss him.

He wanted to see if it would feel good with another girl?

To feel better?

She threw herself down on her bed as soon as she got back into her room and burst into loud sobs.

She felt used.

She believed him.

She believed him to have pure, sincere intentions.

She pressed her lips together as she saw her display light up in the evening, the screen showing that she had received a new message from him.

She shook her head and went back to reading her textbook, not wanting to talk to him, not wanting to listen to his explanations, not wanting to be his friend or anyone else.

After half an hour, however, she got another message and then another and sighed heavily, heartbroken, wondering why he suddenly cared. She figured he wanted her now because she didn't need him, but if she just got his interest back then he would pretend not to know her again.

She reached for her phone and unlocked it, going into her messages with a pounding heart.

She pressed her lips together reading his last two messages and swallowed loudly, feeling hot in her stomach.

I told Alys I'm sorry, but for now I want to focus on a relationship with someone else and by that someone I mean you.

Oh shit.

What was she going to say to that?

She sat and looked at the display, panicked.

She herself no longer knew what she felt, what she wanted.

She shuddered when suddenly a new message appeared below previous ones.

She closed her eyes and tilted her head back.

She decided she would do just that.

That she wouldn't answer him, she would just think about it.

Let him know what it was like.

The next day it was he who was already waiting at the bus stop when she left the house, as soon as he saw her he immediately pulled his earphones out of his ears, looking at her with wide eyes. She walked up to him and they stood like that for a while in silence.

"…did you get my messages?" He asked lowly, uncertainly, and she nodded. He swallowed loudly and hummed, as if he was thinking about something.

"Shall we go truant?"

____

Aemond Taglist:

(bold means I couldn't tag you)

@its-actually-minicika @notnormalthings-blog @nikstrange @zenka69 @bellaisasleep @k-y-r-a-1 @g-cf2020 @melsunshine @opheliaas-stuff @chainsawsangel @iiamthehybrid @tinykryptonitewerewolf @namoreno @malfoytargaryen @qyburnsghost @aemondsdelight @persephonerinyes @fan-goddess @sweethoneyblossom1 @watercolorskyy @randomdragonfires @apollonshootafar @padfooteyes

[seoksgrl]

happier than ever, 3. : knj namjoon x reader friends to strangers to lovers

tws: vomit, alcoholism, sa (very very brief but pls do not read if you are at all uncomfortable with this topic), mention of terminal illness and death

m.list prev | next

The sheets stick to your body when you wake up, rearing up as your muscles clench in fear. Your chest heaves, stuttered breaths puffing from between your dry, parted lips. 

It’s the first time you’ve dreamt of her, dreamt of anything, in months. You swallow, the action almost painful as your tongue sticks to the roof of your dry mouth. A sure sign you didn’t drink enough last night, even as the empty vodka bottle lays beside you on the bed. 

The room is a wasteland of discarded bottles, dirty clothes and a layer of grime you haven’t even thought to clean in the year since your mother died, and the sight of it all in the moonlight that streams in through the open blinds is a stark and painful reminder of your reality. You lay back in your bed, unable to look at it any longer, screwing your eyes shut at the planets painted on your ceiling, faded with age and flaking thanks to the dry, dank air in the room. 

The paintings have an unbidden memory shouldering its way into your unsteady mind, flickering behind your closed eyelids like an old movie on a projector. Your mother’s smile as she lays beside you on the bed, pointing out the planets and stars she spent an exhaustive amount of time painting for you. Her hands perpetually stained with paint, the corners of her eyes crinkled, the softness of her laugh whenever you pronounced the names of the planets wrong. 

Your stomach clenches violently, and you barely have time to react, throwing yourself to the edge of the bed just in time to vomit on the floor, your throat sore and aching once you’re done. Tears track your burning cheeks and you inhale sharply, wiping your mouth with one hand and opening your bedside draw with the other, pulling out a miniature bottle of liquor you stole from the convenience store. You down it in one gulp, grimacing before you toss it with the other bottle on your bed, standing and wiping up your vomit with an old t-shirt. You toss it onto the pile of your other unwashed clothes, deciding to get to it later, even though you know you never will.

The time on your phone reads eleven thirty PM, and you rake your fingers through your hair as you walk to the bathroom, throwing the dry, unbrushed strands into what can only be described as a bun before you leave the house. The bars are still open near your house, and you figure two hours is more than enough time to banish any more memories from rearing their head. 

Namjoon has been holding back on calling his grandmother, but he can only avoid her for so long. He doesn’t even know why he feels this unquenchable need to stay in his hometown, not when you’ve made it pretty clear you can’t stand the sight of him. His chest feels hollow at the thought. 

His fingers fly across his phone screen before his guilt can convince him not to, the ringing line taunting him, turning him back into a shy fifteen year old again until it finally clicks, and his grandmother’s warm voice drifts to his ear.

“Gang-aji, I’ve been waiting for you to call,” Namjoon smiles at his grandmother’s term of endearment, something she adopted almost instantly after their first meeting, even as he was approaching adulthood.

“I’m sorry, I got a little held up,” He frowns, unsure how to explain the fact that he can’t quite come home to his dying grandfather just yet because his ex-best friend hates him and needs his help. In the end, he decides to be vague, “There’s some stuff here that I can’t leave. I know you and grandfather need me, but -”

“Namjoon, I told you not to worry,” His grandmother says, her voice soft, “I expected you to become nostalgic visiting your hometown, you don’t have to explain that, my gang-aji,”

“I wish it was just nostalgia,” He says quietly, clearing his throat, “How is grandfather? Any changes?”

“He’s still sleeping, he hasn’t woken up since you left. They are feeding him through some kind of tube,” She hums thoughtfully, and Namjoon can picture her now, sat on the plush chair beside his grandfather’s bed, looking at the wires and monitors that are effectively keeping him somewhat comfortable. “I don’t think he likes all this fuss,”

“Did he tell you?”

“No,” She says, a laugh caught in her throat despite the circumstances, “even asleep, I can read the man like a book,”

Namjoon chuckles, moving from the small, aged bed at the Lunar Hotel to the window, pushing aside the lace curtains and peering out at the empty road below. Namjoon is still the only guest, and from what he can hear, Jooheon spends most of his time doing DIY around the place, hardly needing to stand at reception. Namjoon can’t help but wonder why what he remembers to be such a bustling beach town would fall into this ghostland he currently sees. 

Namjoon turns away from the window, wishing he could be in two places at once, “If anything changes, I’ll come right back. Send the jet and I’ll get there fa -”

“I know, Namjoon. We can manage. Your grandfather wouldn’t want you stuck in a hospital all day watching him sleep,” Namjoon almost speaks over her, eager to have his grandmother know that he will be home if his grandfather even twitches the wrong way, but she continues speaking, “take some time. You’ve done nothing but work the last few months, and when he…” she inhales sharply, and Namjoon feels his hands twitch to call ahead and take the jet anyway, “Eventually, you will be in charge of everything, and you won’t have time to visit Yeocho,”

The statement is sobering, and Namjoon’s mind automatically flickers to you. If he can help it, he wants to do better than before, wants to stay in touch with you once he’s gone, wants to make sure you’re doing okay and that you never feel alone. 

But first, he has to get you to actually speak to him. Sober.

“Right, you’re right. Of course,” Namjoon sighs, “Send harabeoji my love. And you halmeoni, I love you,”

“Love you, gang-aji,”

Namjoon can’t stay in his room all day, but he finds himself battling with the urge to visit you, to see if you’re okay. He knows the reaction he will get, that you will tell him to leave, and maybe that would be for the best, but he knows it wouldn’t feel right. The idea of leaving you alone, especially after seeing the state you were in, the mess of your childhood home, the empty bottles and smell of stale alcohol that clung to the fabric of the couch he spent his night folded onto, it all leaves a bad taste in his mouth. The only person who might know anything further about what your life has looked like since he left, aside from your asshole ex Seokjin, is Jooheon. 

When his foot hits the bottom step, Namjoon looks around the small lobby, empty and half-painted as Jooheon stretches to hit a corner behind the reception desk which is currently covered in a white sheet. He walks over, hands in the pockets of his slacks - he makes a mental note to have an extra set of clothes sent over, or maybe he can just buy some, surely there’s a store around here some -

“Namjoon, hey,” Jooheon smiles, clambering down the ladder and landing with a thump, wiping fresh paint on his grey overalls, “you need anything?”

“No, I’m good,” Namjoon replies, “I was about to go see Y/N, actually. We didn’t exactly have the best reunion yesterday morning, as you know,”

Jooheon gives an understanding nod and smile, his eyes giving Namjoon a weary look, “Yeah, Mina was out with her friends last night, said Y/N turned up at the bar pretty late. She didn’t look too good apparently,”

The sounds of that fills Namjoon with dread, and he begins to come to terms with the fact that these instances of drinking weren’t just coincidences. He knows now, more than ever, that he can’t leave any time soon, but he has no idea how to approach this whole thing. He can’t exactly turn up at the house and take you to rehab by force, but he also isn't prepared to sit here and watch you drink yourself into oblivion. He needs to think of something, or maybe he just needs to try harder. 

“Are you good?” Namjoon asks when he sees Jooheon wince, bending down to fetch a rag from the floor, wiping his hands as he blows out a long breath.

“I feel like I’ve been trying to fix up this place for years,” He looks around, a mournful look in his eye, “we’re losing money, nobody wants to travel out to random small towns anymore, not when there are better, up-to-date places nearer to the big cities. I don’t know if any of it’s worth it, but I can’t sit and do nothing,”

Namjoon feels for his friend, coming from a background where every hotel his family owns is booming, the demand growing enough for the need to open more, he hates to see a smaller, family-owned business struggle. 

“Well, I’m gonna be sticking around anyway, I’d love to help out,” He proposes, shrugging, “I’m pretty good with a hammer,”

Jooheon smiles, slapping his friend on the shoulder, “I’d love that, man,”

His back is sore by the time Namjoon finds his way to your house, a route he memorised years ago and the journey still hasn’t faded from his mind, even after so long of walking through concrete laden streets instead of quaint, dirt paths. He still has paint staining his hands, but even after your anger with him yesterday, he can’t imagine you’ll mind. 

The door is slightly open when he reaches the porch, and a prick of alarm rings true in his chest. A dozen scenarios sweep through his mind, and images of you lying face down on your living room floor taunt him as he pushes the door open. The living room is close enough that he can see the sofa, and can see you on it.

Back pressed to the sofa cushions as another man looms over you, kissing your neck. Your eyes open slowly, blearily and briefly widen when you spot him in the doorway, and the second he hears the looseness in your voice, his feet are carrying him over. 

“Whoops -”

“What the fuck -” The man grunts as Namjoon lifts him off of you by the elbow, stumbling a few times as he resists the urge to throw him to the floor.

Namjoon pins the man, shirtless and several inches shorter than him, with a cold glare, “Get the fuck out before I throw you into the street,”

The man glances around, almost as if he might want to take his chances with Namjoon, but he decides against it, bending to pick up his shirt and shoes, “Fuck this shit, man,”

The echo of the door’s slam is the only sound left for a while, Namjoon’s eyes crossing from the windows to where you sit, swaying in your seat, eyes hazy even as you glare up at him. When you stand, he resists the urge to steady you as you wobble slightly, the scent of liquor quickly reaching him as you step closer, frowning.

“You kicked out my date,”

“That wasn’t a date, Y/N, you’re too drunk to stand let alone do anything else,”

You scoff, turning away, “I was fine,”

“He was taking advantage. There wasn’t a drop of alcohol in that man’s whole body, he shouldn’t have come home with you,” Namjoon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “at best he should have just dropped you off at the door,”

“I’m not a dumb little teenager anymore, Namjoon, I don’t need you to look after me,” You’re breathing heavy now, but there’s a glassiness to your eyes that he feels isn’t solely from the alcohol. All over again, he feels like shit for leaving, for not keeping in touch and for being unaware of all the bullshit that life has dealt you over the past few years. 

“I just want to help you, Y/N,” He steps forward, sighing when you flinch away from his touch, “Please,”

You blink rapidly - your tell, Namjoon recalls. There are a handful of memories that suddenly rush to greet him, most of which are the two of you trying to make it through Titanic without crying. You always lost, much to your frustration, blinking quickly in an effort to stop the tears from falling.

They don’t fall now, though, and instead you just stare at him, angry and dishevelled, smelling of booze and still a little something that reminds him of home, somehow. It makes his stomach clench at the juxtaposition of it all. 

“I don’t need your help,” You say, lip trembling, and you move forward, hands pushing hard at his chest, “Just get out! Get out!” you’re screaming, shoving him back to the door, and all Namjoon can do is watch helplessly and do as you ask. He can’t force you to listen to him, but he’s not done trying. Not by a long shot. 

“I’ll leave now, but I won’t stop, Y/N,” Namjoon says quietly when you finally stop screaming, panting as you watch him with his hand on the doorknob, “I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. But I’m not giving up on you,”

He opens the door, stepping out and resisting the urge to look back, desperate to see a glimpse of the girl he took for granted and left behind. But he doesn’t deserve to see her, not yet, and so he closes the door softly behind him, not turning even when he hears you throw something hard enough for glass to shatter.  

taglist: @maryseesthings @rkivesfilm @btsffreader92 @creolesoul2seoul @kissme-ornot

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[ooppo]

My story on sleep paralysis.

One of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had was also the first time I experienced sleep paralysis. Admittedly, I was kind of excited. Freaked out, but excited. I had never thought I would experience having sleep paralysis. When I woke up, though, I didn’t realize what it was at first. I woke up because of a persistent sound. My brother and I were staying the night at an ex-boyfriends house, and they were whispering back and forth between each other. I knew it was late so I figured they were trying not to wake me. 

I went to move, but then I realized that I couldn’t. I realized it was sleep paralysis and tried not to freak out. It was cool, but still unsettling that I couldn’t move at all. I had read somewhere that you should go to sleep if you experience sleep paralysis. I tried to at first, but I was more curious than cautious. I wanted to see if I would have any weird sleep hallucinations, and maybe get a weird story to tell. At the angle I was lying I could scan about half the room. Just as I started to move my eyes, I realized something odd. The whispering wasn’t coming from behind me where my ex was and towards the door where my brother was. The whispering was everywhere in the room. It was quiet and hardly noticeable at first, which is why I didn’t realize it wasn’t real before I actually listened to it. 

Slowly, I began to look around. The closer I got to looking towards the end of the bed, the louder the whispering became. Multiple erratic, whispering voices overlapped, reaching its peak. However, when I locked eyes with what was standing at the edge of my bed, the whispering dropped deafeningly. 

I quickly moved my eyes away and shut them. I regretted my decision to look around and tried to go to sleep. I didn’t actually think that I’d come face-to-face with an actual sleep paralysis demon. Even though I knew it wasn’t real, I could still feel its unblinking eyes watching me. Eventually, though, I did go to sleep. When I woke up I was excited to relay the story to my ex and my brother. I had gotten the weird story I wanted. Halfway through my story, though, I saw something move from the edge of my vision. At the open bedroom door, a long, gray hand wrapped itself around the frame. I felt the world sink out from under me. The mans smile and pin prick eyes slowly came from around the corner to stare at me straight in the eyes. It watched for a moment, 

There stood a tall, gray old man who smiled ecstatically and pulled around blackened teeth. His eyes were pure white and the size of buttons in his head, with two even smaller pinprick pupils that seared into me.

and then it lunged.

We weren’t far from the bed, so when it dragged me back onto it I woke up instantly. I was really awake this time, and I found that I still could not move. Fearfully, I looked towards the edge of the bed. The thing was still there, but it was closer.  

Its knees were pressed flat against the mattress, and this time it was looking down at me directly rather than at an angle. I quickly shut my eyes and went to sleep again. When I woke up, I was scared but relieved. It was just a nightmare and it was over. But, I was wrong. When it came for me next I was in the hallway on my way to brush my teeth. It dragged me back whilst I was kicking and screaming. I woke up again, and it was closer. Its knees were now on the bed. A cycle began, and it continued like that over, and over again. Each time I “woke up” it felt like I was awake for longer each time. I remember once when I “woke up” I immediately began to sob because of how distraught and scared I was. I fell into my brother's arms before being dragged back again. At one point I had dreamt that I had been awake for days. No matter how long it was, though, it would always find me wherever I was in the dream. And every time it would be closer. 

The very last time it had happened, I was too afraid to open my eyes. I could hear it breathing into my ear, its breath ghosting my skin. I felt its weight dipping the mattress around me. The thing was kneeling over on all fours on top of me. 

When I had truly woken up, and could move again, it was still night. I was so disoriented and scared that I honestly didn’t know if I was awake or not. The only thing that told me that I was actually awake was that it was still night, not morning like how the fake awakenings started. I didn’t want to go back to sleep again. It was honestly so disorienting that I thought that I had woken up in another dimension for some reason. Eventually, though, I did go back to sleep and I woke up for real that time. I lived my life like normal after shaking the nightmare off for the first few paranoia-filled days. Eventually I had forgotten all about it as the months passed. 

This was a time before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and unfortunately I get the type where I have psychosis. This is when my nightmare became real to me. 

It was late at night, and I was washing the dishes by myself. I wasn’t even really thinking about much, I was fairly calm. When I saw movement from the corner of my eye, I thought maybe it was my brother coming down the hall. It wasn’t, though. It was a hand. A long, gray, familiar hand. The old man's face peered around the corner at me, its smile happy and its eyes as wide as they could be. I sat there frozen in the kitchen, my stomach full of lead. 

It was going to lunge at me, and take me back to bed months in the past. Has everything been fake up to this point? Who was I going to be when I eventually did wake up? Or, would I ever wake up again? To say I was afraid was a drastic understatement. I was quite literally losing my mind. 

The demon didn’t lunge for me, though. It slowly ungripped the corner and ducted back into the laundry room where it first peaked out of. I couldn’t move for a long time. It took a while for me to gather the courage to move again. I reached the laundry room, and it was dark inside. I wondered why this time it was different. Was it waiting for me? Was I going to die? Was I dead already? 

I reached my hand into the darkness and felt for the lightswitch with unsure hands. When I found the switch and flicked it on, the laundry room was empty.

I have yet to see it again never saw the demon again. 

[eddiediaaz]

i feel like typing some feels idk. ignore this lol it's probably not interesting at all. so last night i dreamed that i was going through/decluttering everything in my childhood bedroom. a few nights ago i also dreamt that i was redecorating that same childhood bedroom. this morning i woke up feeling really sad and nostalgic because it's something i never got to actually do.

when i was 17, in 2010 right after high school, i left that childhood house where i lived with my mom, younger sister, and (ex) step father. i moved in with my beloved grandparents for my first year of college. i don't remember the moving at all actually, only the last conversation i had with him the night before (where he said he loved me and would always think of me as his daughter and that i was welcome back anytime). all i remember is that i packed some things i wanted with me there (my grandparents live almost 2 hours away from my hometown). my mom and sister remained there for a few months until my mom was finally able to buy a house for us (we were living in his house since 1998).

my ex step father was/is (idek anymore) an alcoholic and he was very abusive, mostly verbally, and mostly towards me. mostly because i was (still am) fat. he bullied me my entire childhood because i was a fat kid. it was quite horrible at times, like stopping him from going to kill my dad with his hunting guns while barefoot outside in the rain at 13 years old. like him throwing an axe in my computer screen (a big fat one from the late 00s lol) because my teenage self didn't want to do the dishes right away (my sister and i handwashed the dishes every single day, he of course never did). like him putting my school book for homework in my bowl of ice cream (dessert that he bought!) and getting it all dirty and wet (i don't remember how i explained that at school yikes). stuff like that. he never got physical towards us at least. but it was always verbal abuse and mind games like that. i'm so glad my sister avoided a lot of that (she wasn't fat), but i know it must have been so difficult for her too to live in that household. and for my mom as well, who was working so hard for us. she was a victim too. she worked night and evening shifts for a bit, so there are a few things she didn't witness. things i will never tell her cause she already carries such heavy guilt about "putting us in that situation" (her words). i didn't know at the time, but now we've had some talks about it and i know she was severely depressed and on multiple meds. she had no money because my dad ruined her credit when they were still together. anyway that's a whole ass other story lol

so yeah when i was in my senior year i knew i had to think of an escape plan. when college applications time came around, i applied to a school near where my grandparents live and moved there. i had to, for my mental health. that was hands down one the best year of my life and i am so grateful to them. also grateful my mom was able to get me a cheap used car (a 2000 pontiac sunfire, iykyk) so i could be more independent as i reached adulthood. when my mom and sister moved to my mom's house, they packed some of my things, like a few plushies and some clothes, but that's about it. we were supposed to go back there and pack our other belongings. we were welcomed there. my ex step dad didn't hate us. he knew he made mistakes, he knew his disease (the alcoholism) was what drove us away. he wasn't a bad man when he was sober, but as time went on under his roof, he was only sober when he was working. i moved back in with my mom and sister after that first year away and we stayed there for 2 years until my sister and i moved in together for 3 years when i was in film school.

anyway yeah. i feel weird today. i am mourning all the toys and clothes and books and trinkets and memories i never got to keep because i left so fast and never went back like i was supposed to. even some vhs tapes of my sister and i as kids remained there when my mom left not long after me and it saddens me. we were always supposed to go back for our things because it ended "amicably" (in his mind, i guess), but we never had the nerves and courage to go back. i have regrets about that now, but at least that dream was a bit healing. and at least i had an "escape plan". many people don't so i'm glad i did.

i know there are much worse things in life than not having much physical things left from your childhood. i know that. people lose their homes all the time. but i'm still sad about it i guess. even if it's been close to 15 years.

[beatsboy]

8.18.24 / week 8 of being a delusional artist

day 4 of moon time

how did i live like a delusional artist today? maybe in photographing my period stains on my bed maybe in journaling my dream about my ex the minute i woke up at 7am before going right back to bed because i can’t stand to be awake for another moment after having to freshly remember that they’re not here again (these dreams are like waking up to a fresh bandaid being torn off the wound over and over again) maybe in procrastinating, for they say that all artists do this, and while i know this is true, i am struggling to get unstuck and stay unstuck lately. it’s hard to fully break out of the cave, when you’re stuck, when you’re by yourself. sweet pea helps, licking my face (i swear) to remind me to go to the bathroom, to eat, to go outside. all he does is lick my face, so i have to interpret these as signals to get moving. last night, for instance, i was sitting on my computer for far too long, on the couch next to sweet pea. and promptly, as my bladder started to nag at me to go to the bathroom, he started to lick my face, inhibiting me from using my computer.

i’m starting to think he parents me more than i parent him, and i only pretend that it’s the other way around to feel better about my lack of self-sufficiency as a human adult. my fucking goals for tomorrow are to eat 3 meals, first one before 11. like, come on.

i just feel so slow while i’m bleeding, and i know that it will be over soon, but i think part of the reason i need to spiritualize it, to give it meaning, is because it’s just so fucking painful, physically, emotionally, and generally in relation to my gender.

i was supposed to leave the house today, and i did get all ready to do so, another sunday where i put my swim trunks on and waited. this time, it never came time to go, the party wrapped early, and i remained, having spent time getting ready, covered in sunscreen, with nowhere to go. and instead of quickly pivoting to art, which was very possible at that time, i got stuck. i got stuck waiting to go to bri’s to return their keys, for no reason at all, and then got stuck when i got home, and finally unstuck enough to make myself some food at 10pm, do the dishes, change the sheets (i did do some cleaning today, just very slowly, like imagine a slug doing chores, very slowly, and getting caught on corners), and sit here and journal.

i have therapy tomorrow, and tomorrow, i swear to god, i will continue working on music again. i had a good groove of working every day, basically until i finished boypop, which some have suggested i rename (which, yes, maybe, but what?) then, i got out of it, because it is so hard for me for some reason to maintain a consistent practice with my craft while working and socializing fucking still even though i don’t even work a full-time job like that. it’s truly not that i don’t have the time, it’s that i don’t have the energy? the focus? the routine?

healthy habits start small, though, right? i am believing in my future self, that i can make the new dates i’ve set for the release timeline. and i am giving myself these deadlines because i deserve to share my work with the world and i can’t wait any longer. i believe in the artist i want to be, in the artist i will be, because i am building toward it today. i am building my practice. i know i am good at what i do, i know i can do what i need to do to finish this project. i just need to focus and finish.

i’ve never completed an album before (unless you count the collection of phone demos i dropped on soundcloud for the lore) that’s like comparing publishing a fanfic on ao3 to getting your debut novel published, there’s a lot of extra steps that separate the two. it’s all i’ve ever wanted, so why am i waiting? why would i put off becoming the pop star i have dreamt of being since i was a fucking child? i am alone in my own apartment that i pay for with my own fucking money, why am i not spending every second making art in it? this is what i have always wanted for myself, space and time to make art, and i feel like i am wasting it spiraling and cleaning and pinteresting and tumblring and cleaning and looking up if the chemicals in my soap are poisoning me (pretty sure everything is poisoning me at this point)

i want to be fair to myself, i have not been completely idle. i redid the release timeline last night. i made a pitch deck for the next photoshoot the other day. i watched alien, for research (lol, but seriously!) i have been brainstorming the entire vibe/aesthetic/characterization of this persona, trying to mend together what we initially envisioned and what the music video shoot is giving (which are kind of different things but it’s ok)

the thing is, though, these things are part of the art, they are necessary to the art, to communicating the art to the people, to the audience. that does not make them art, though. the job part. the industry part. and sometimes i get so lost in these parts, that i forget that the whole point is to be able to sustain making art for the rest of my life. and none of this bullshit is worth it if i’m not making art. and if i’m not making art, it’s not going to feel like it either.

here is to tomorrow, to getting back to a daily practice, even if it’s in the form of small steps.

[ruminate88]

Being Triggered? Healing Journal 07/03/24

I never even understood the meaning of the word “triggered” truly until I’ve been learning about emotional abuse. You nonchalantly hear stuff as a kid, no matter if it was from family members, school or tv. You hear things but you don’t always understand it unless you yourself experience it.

It’s always the ones closest to you, that hurt you. Remember that! My last two relationships were manipulative and gaslighting but I had no idea till years later and it’s impacted me in ways I never dreamt it would! Mostly impacting my marriage now.

Since knowing what gaslighting is now, I feel like I recognize it more but fear of being lied to or taken advantage of again in my relationships with people! I subconsciously compare my marriage to my exes and easily get stressed out or worried. I always have to talk myself off the ledge…. I’m always frustrated thinking can I trust my husband, when he seems so nice and hard working? My ex Andrew seemed mostly nice to me but I didn’t realize he was actually putting me down because of the fog I was in with him. I would never manipulate to get my way so I didn’t recognize it back then at all!!

YESTERDAY, was a bad trigger but I quickly got over it: Going back days earlier, I had a conversation with my husband about my mom and nephew’s bday party today. I say if he doesn’t want what my mom is cooking, he can maybe order a couple pizzas because my dad also doesn’t like what my mom is cooking. (My mom has cooked this meal before and both my dad and husband ordered pizza more than once) My husband has been on a diet but says maybe for one day he could cheat and have a pizza…. Didn’t say he was for sure ordering it, just that he could if he wanted to. I then ask my dad if he would like pizza with my husband. My dad says yes but to let him pay for it!!

NOW, yesterday I say to my husband, “my dad also wants pizza with you but wants to pay for it.” My husband then says, “I never said I was bringing pizza…..” 🥸🥸🥸 Right away my mind goes to “is he gaslighting me ????” I know he didn’t say yes he’s for sure getting pizza but said he could cheat on his diet and acted like he did want pizza. I am NOT CRAZY! Deeper than that, my husband has never loved this particular meal my mom makes and neither does my dad. Yet, my husband says yesterday, “I never said I didn’t like that meal. It’s not my favorite but I’ll eat it.” WHAT?!!! 🤨 y’all always get pizza cuz you don’t like this meal. He has ate this meal before but I KNOW he doesn’t care for it.,.

So I’m racing in my head, overthinking, over analyzing, telling myself I am not crazy and why is my husband acting like that…. However, we continued to have a pleasant evening and I kept saying to myself, “Stop comparing him to Andrew. Your husband isn’t trying to gaslight you or manipulate you” 🫠 Feels like every moment in my marriage is a stressful one and a struggle. I’m always on my guard, ready to defend myself and fight!!!

When does this get better??? ❤️‍🩹 When do I stop over thinking every conversation or every mood with my husband. Last night and this morning my husband seemed a tad moody and I believe it’s becuase of social anxiety and knowing he’s gotta go to this bday party today but what if I’m wrong? Either way, I was feeling defensive AND telling myself, “You gotta enjoy yourself despite his moods and if he doesn’t love you, let him move on” BUT my husband does love me…. Why do I question him at every turn????? It’s exhausting and I feel I can’t enjoy myself!! I feel like I’m all alone because my past two relationships were one-sided. Many Friday nights I sat on my phone crying over Andrew because I know he’s at the frat house partying with sorority girls AND he wouldn’t Snapchat me till 3am and send me a selfie of himself saying “hey ….” And it was always by himself too. Never looked like anyone else was at this party BUT yet on Facebook, he’s posting pictures of himself with all these girls at the party and it’s almost like he was doing it to make me jealous!!!

Once I calmed down yesterday and didn’t blow steam, I was able to have a good evening with my husband AND I downloaded Pokémon go just so I can stop questioning him when he leaves to go play and he was totally ok with me joining him and even helped me get going on the game. My husband is NOT my enemy. Andrew was. Andrew was the one low key putting me down and making me feel “crazy” but then why sometimes situations arise in my marriage where I am transported back to that feeling of “crazy”??? I KNOW if I don’t trust my husband, our relationship can’t thrive. I trusted him when I married him because I had sex with him and moved in with him…. Yet over time, I lost trust and once I learned about “emotional abuse”, wow…. It’s like I really closed off from the world. I felt so unsafe and troubled that the whole time andrew was deceiving me.

I mean, I knew Andrew lied to me and things were confusing with him but couldn’t explain it or name what was happening. I tried to love Andrew so hard and be a good girlfriend to him but I always felt like I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough or adventurous enough!!! I saw his ex girlfriends on his old IG post and uggggh I compared myself to them and questioned why in the world Andrew was paying me any attention at all 😭😭😭

Now I feel awful when people do nice things for me and buy me stuff randomly. I feel so bad asking for anything or asking for help. I feel I have to do everything on my own and that I can’t go to anyone to talk about Andrew because what if they don’t understand or what if the make me feel bad for loving him?? Was it so bad to love Andrew as much and as long as I have???

Does ruminating about Andrew make me a bad woman and wife?? 😓😓😓

[vesicapiscean]

Dreamt i was going non a trip with m y mother in law so a seminar on Buddhism but weird shit kept happening and the roads were so icy and it was snowing we were driving in an area I’d never seen before. Irl or in dream. And we never made it there as partway through the trip it changed to me being in the car with some people I know but I don’t know them irl except one person who was my fiancés best friend cooper. And we went to this weird crystal place that was like a museum that ex into a national park or some kind of natural land mark where the whole place was made from crystals or some kind of mysterious glowing substance. Then something scary started happening like something was approaching us so my group and all the people that were also there visiting started running away and trying to get back into their vehicles. I don’t remember if we drove back home but we ended up back home except it was the house of the people I was with, not my own house. Not my MILs house either. We spent some time there and I was hanging out and talking to them they seemed cool but gave me theater kid vibes with the way they were talking about music and stuff that they were into. And I think my old friend Emily was there too. So hard to remember. But we decided we were going to either go back to the same place or drive somewhere else. And they guys were nice and the girls were nice too and one of them was trying to share everything with me but none of her food was vegan and I was fasting. Ugh wish I could remember more. We ended up somewhere like SF and the dream ended with me giving someone a tattoo.

An obvious combination of the videos I watched about “sky ice” from Antarctica, the book I finished last night that talked about driving on an icy road and seeing the shadows change and stretch as a meteor passed over head in the last chapter. And also watching ink master. wtf

[girlcatullus]

good morning beloved mutuals. once again i am using tumblr as my personal dumping grounds for dreams, knick-knacks, obsessive thoughts et cetera. *kissy face*

this time is mostly because i want to remember these dreams so i can give the occasional bone to pick to my therapist (who is really keen on hearing what i dream and walks away disappointed most times because i tend to be unable to remember my dreams. lmao)… also because these dreams have been pretty weird and left me well, not unsettled or uncomfortable but they made me think. (keeping this as short as possible because i have things to do this morning THAT i am forfeiting in favor of writing a tumblr post about Weird Dreams)

okay so! basically. yesterday night i had this dream i only remember one scene of: i was in a park (in my German Erasmus City) and i was cuddling with this guy on a picnic blanket. this guy is a Very Real person some stuff happened with and for whom i ended up getting a fucked up crush on at my lowest in february-march and whose thought made me panicky and sad and want to self-isolate to hell and back. this same guy i ended up seeing during my holiday stint in sicily and the atmosphere between us was GLACIAL… my friends told me he’s got like. super pissed at me because i didn’t come out to say hi before we were leaving German Erasmus City. like we hung out just the two of us a couple times when the others had gone away already and i was always somewhat uncomfortable because the conversation was awkward and i genuinely did not understand why he kept hanging out with me and if he liked my company at all… back then i felt he didn’t behave all that correctly towards me and i still maintain that.

but i’m sorry he was disappointed by the fact i didn’t come out to say goodbye in march. i mean i was probably pissed at him and very depressed and hiding in my room but i’m sorry and i’ve been ruminating ever since my friends told me this… like. text him and tell him. it’s just not my style though. and i don’t think he would take it super well? i wouldn’t even know what to say except i didn’t know it made him feel like it and i’m sorry for it. and so many months have passed and i should just leave it be.

and i dreamt about him yesterday. and my ex boyfriend is coming to town in a matter of days and i am thinking about it, and him, all the time, wondering if i should text him at least to wish him good luck on his phd admission test. which i would gladly do if i wasn’t so afraid of upsetting him by showing up. and i thought that maybe i could just pop by the uni and wish him good luck in person. but then again i wouldn’t want to spring on him like that. and if i don’t text him at all i am going to feel bad anyway because it’s been ages since the last time i saw him and the mere thought makes me want to cry.

tonight i dreamt about the other guy again. last night’s dream surprised me because it was so sweet and tender and i didn’t expect to want that so much - intimacy and silence and being held. and my brain, my subconscious decided to assign him that part? like… i have my ex on my mind most of the time nowadays and he’s like the most plausible pick for tenderness but no. it seems like i can’t even bring myself to face him in the dreamscape. back then, right before everything happened, i used to dream about him all the time.

and in tonight’s dream i was somewhere, in a house with a terrace/garden (like my friend’s sicilian villa) with my friends. he gets there, and instead of acting cold like it actually happened in reality, he takes me by the hand without saying a word and he drags me to the end of the terrace and we just kiss. and there was desire (if you huh. know what i mean. it feels cringe writing it but basically he was… making me feel it) but mostly tenderness.

and then the dream kind of degenerated into a complicated storyline like… buses to take in my city… the same guy, or perhaps another person, transitioning (and i conjured this very articulated monologue by this trans woman who at this point was a different person entirely who still had ties with my erasmus friends… she was talking about freedom of expression and how freeing it was to go to the cinema before the rise of the internet??)… also this party on the beach with my erasmus friend that ended like. really late at night. and i went home, somehow had nicolas maupas there of all people, my parents coming home in the middle of the night and having to shoo him out… also missing a plane to valle d’aosta because i had booked a flight for that same night but with the party and all i forgot, and having these thoughts about when to reschedule the flight… it was all pretty weird.

well. this turned out longer than anticipated but i had fun procrastinating revising catullus 68. i hope you had fun reading about my dreams and real life drama lmao. kissies to all of you mutuals

[padawanmaster]

I dreamt a lil too hard last night. Basically I was taking care of a house kinda like the house from TVD s2 lakehouse but grander and colorful. I at first was joined by my small school crush, his friend and my parents. Him and I had a lot of accidental skin to skin touching like my hand slipping to touch his arm or my feet softly kicking on the bed to touch his (hairy) leg while his feet were on the bed I was on and then he had to leave with everyone else because he had to go to like a court house for something idk but I went too but otw I chose to go back home and thank goodness I did because I found other people trying to foster live there and it was my “first bf” from middle school and his baby mama w their baby, they were chill but I’m thinking , but I can’t remember if there was someone else because I stayed at the house to safe keep it and I was mistrustful of whoever else was at home. I regretted leaving my school crush and missed his event but having to deal with what was going on at home was more important atm. And then idk my whole scenario changed after I get (in irl) loud messages that kinda disturbed me but k fall back asleep. This next sequence of events was kinda random, I was like at school but it kinda felt like a home and my whole family was there but I would bump into my preppy class mates and some random girl I’ve never seen before asked me if I only dressed up Fridays and I said “yes most Fridays I try to” (oddly enough I responded in Spanish in my dream) well then I go into my sister’s room while she’s packing to leave and she leaves me alone but then I get a message (in the dream) of my ex psycho friend of me having reached out to her from a snap memory or something and she replied but I can’t remember what the notification of her message said and she had sent a couple but I never got around to opening them. And that’s practically it lol. Crazy dream I had to note down

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 2/10

What am I feeling today?

I don’t believe this is numbness anymore but peace. I feel that I’ve gotten a lot of my chest but it’s always good to continually be talking to God. I feel good though, I feel calm, I feel content. This is nice. I’m not sure how long it’ll last but it’s a nice change of pace. Although, there is the underlying stress of what I have coming up next week but I’m trying not to focus on that.

Psalms 63 NIV

(v. 6, 8) “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night… I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.”

‭I used to not like David, I used to see him as unforgivable. But as I’ve gone on this journey, I find that I relate most to the psalms. I relate a lot too David. He was human. He loved God, but he made mistakes and he struggled at times but always came back to Him. Anyways, most every night I think about God and talk to Him, I want to cling to Him because who else will bring me peace?

Psalms 141 NIV

(v. 3-4) “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who are evildoers; do not let me eat their delicacies.”

‭‭Lately, I’ve struggled a bit with purity in my speech. I felt myself falling back into old habits and sayings and that’s not what God wants of me. So I ask the same as David, that the Lord set a guard over my mouth, that nothing unclean will leave my lips. That everything I say may be honoring to Him. I don’t want to be drawn back to my part because I’ve left it behind. It’s dead to me and I’d like for it to remain that way.

(v. 8-10) “But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death. Keep me safe from the traps set by evildoers, from the snares they have laid for me. Let the wicked fall into their own nets, while I pass by in safety.”

‭‭I don’t want to fall into the same traps of the past and new ones that may arise. God I pray that you give me discernment and that you protect me. That I may be guided by your word and will and I will not stumble.

Isaiah 43:18 NIV

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”

‭‭I’m trying to keep this in mind still. Sometimes I’m tempted to reminisce on my past with a guy I like. I’ve tried not to think about him though, I don’t look back at photos or videos because what’s the point? That’s the past. We are no longer friends and looking back at what we will just hurt me and I don’t want any bitterness towards him. I want everything to be amicable and kind even if things didn’t work out the way I expected.

Also, last night, I dreamt about my ex boyfriend. I hadn’t thought about him in a while but dreaming with him there. I missed him. I missed having him in my life. I miss talking to him. I miss the connection we had. He was so sweet, kind, funny. It’s a bit hard letting go of the past, letting go of what once was. I always used to refer to him as right person, wrong time. But I know that’s not the case. He’s not who I’m meant to be with. My heart will always ache a little but that’s just evidence that I once loved. I’m in the present now though, and we are instructed not to dwell on the past.

PRAYER

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for another day of life and for a peaceful one at that! I got to sleep in! I get to relax for a couple hours! This is so lovely and a great reward for what I went through this week.

I don’t really have much on my heart to say to you. I feel good. I feel peaceful. I have that feeling that I used to get in the old house right before covid hour and I was happy and content with all that my life was amounting to. It’s almost nostalgic and I thank you for it. I pray that I’m able to start feeling this way at least throughout the rest of today.

I pray that you can forgive me of the sins that I’ve committed lately. Of my impure language and thoughts. Of some of my anger and quick frustration. We’re supposed to react and respond kindly and I didn’t always live up to that.

God I pray for the church. I pray for all the Bible studies that we have going on. I pray that our campus ministry is very fruitful, especially after the club day! I pray for the Bible study that I will be in later today. That she accepts your word joyfully and commits to seeking you. I pray for the valentines event, that my brother and I can have some fun and great fellowship as well.

God I want to continue praying for my heart. It was bitter and numb earlier and I pray that you continue to soften it and allow me remain constant in your word and your love God.

I love you dearly and I pray this in Jesus name,

Amén.

[bisluthq]

I had the weirdest dream

I dreamt that I came here and you were talking about multiple videos of Saoirse posted by someone on twitter where she was talking about the different dishes at her parents’ restaurant. But in some she was wearing like a costume and a wig and she even sang in one of them.

I scrolled down to the first post about the whole situation and started reading from there. Everyone was surprised that her parents were still together. Something about the videos made it seem like she was unemployed and desperate. But also, she was wearing a necklace with a spoon and fork pendant (makes sense if she was talking about a restaurant) but you posted a picture of it with this “👀” emoji because in the dream I guess the spoon and fork was something like the upside down pineapple thing and it was referring to some sort of kink. I woke up before I got to that part so I’ll never know what the kink was

Bro I HATE dreams like this that are just realistic enough to confuse me. I get them often. Like in my dream I’ll plan a lesson or I’ll write something here or I’ll do something in my house or I’ll talk to someone and like it’s just off obviously like it’s not right but it’s also kinda correct and then I have to like check if it’s real or not. I had this dream a while back where I told my friend she could use my garden for her niece’s birthday party and the birthday party happened in my dream but then I was super worried if I had actually told her she could lol because I had seen her like the day before and we got tipsy (not drunk so I remembered but I also then doubted myself) and I was legit worried for a bit that a bunch of kids would show up in my garden. This was during the dog era so my therapist said it’s clear projection and she was prob right lol but yeah. I get those kinds of dreams A LOT.

last night I dreamed my current boyfriend kissed the girl my first boyfriend emotionally cheated on me with and I was hella pissed in the dream and it was hyper realistic so he was like “oh come on it was a kiss” and I was like “that’s not what I’m upset about, it’s that it was her” and I was annoyed enough that when I woke up I showed him a picture and was like “is she hot” and he was like “…no? Is this a trick question? Do you want to sleep with this woman?” and I was like “thank you” (tbf to my ex she was a lot hotter 15 years ago which is when he went there and tbf to me she added me on all socials after she dumped his ass lol so I am not stalking like she continues to exist on my radar of her own volition) 🤷🏻‍♀️

[oldsoul2deepthoughts]

080123

I rarely sleep on full moon night. Normally I struggle to go to sleep. Usually full of energy while also having a fear of going to sleep. A legit fear. As though I’m going to miss out on something and I must stay awake to watch and take care of things if something might occur.

I rarely dream. It’s so rare than if I had to estimate it, I would guess somewhere about 1-2 months. And to have a dream that I actually remember. And that almost feels like a high number. *chuckle*

Last night, we had a super moon. Not only did I sleep solidly, all night, I went to bed decently earlier than normal. I also had a dream and remembered it!

In 7 days, it will mark the “anniversary” of the night that I met my twin flame, 3 years ago. It was also the night I argued with my soulmate hours before and called it quits with him for the final time. Today, I’m currently in separation from my twin. And I do believe this could potentially be our final separation stage without reuniting.

Last night, I dreamt about my twin. I used to dream about him all of the time before I met my soulmate. I know I did. (I met my soulmate before I met twin). My soulmate taught me tough love. I am now finding myself giving my twin the tough love I was taught. Still undetermined if that is right or wrong. Until the dream…

In the dream. I was living at my now ex soulmates house. I wasn’t living with my soulmate. But nonetheless, I was living in the home. My twin showed up unannounced and unexpectedly. I was angry for this because he was drunk and I didn’t want to listen to the spew coming from his mouth. I called the police. Minutes later. 6-7 police officers are at “my home.” It felt liked they swarmed in like a swat team to take my twin down. And they literally did. One officer slammed him on his belly in the gravel driveway. Scratching the right side of his face, with rock, sand soaking up a slight bleed. I see my body standing just outside of an entry hallway. A sort of in between the garage and the house. My same body, potentially my soul, was down on her hands and knees in the gravel, kneeling in front of my twin. Watching him cry and gently wiping away his tears with love and compassion. Feeling sorry for him while at the same time, slightly feeling that this was for his own good.

i do miss the good I had with both. I love both men dearly. The both put a fire and burn inside of me that will always live. My twin had a way of making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. People saw such love and passion between the two us. I wish them well.

#justK

[goofeyflowers]

I had a dream last night where so many odd things kept happening.

I dreamt my wife was talking to a pretty girl in a restaurant and after a lot of long conversation, they got quiet and were staring deeply into each other's eyes. She leaned in to kiss her, and I immediately grabbed her and began to pull her away...but then I said "you know what? She can do whatever she wants" and pushed her towards the girl instead.

We were living in a house with a family of men—brothers, actually—who were there to take care of each other, especially their brother with high support needs. We lived with them for the company and because we all cared about each other. They wanted to show us how to help fix things that get broken, as a way to show support to the brother who needed it the most. We wanted to learn because we cared.

I dreamt that my shitty ex showed up in my house just to see me and talk to me. I was friendly and polite at first, mostly because I was a bit lonely. I realized that if she hadn't treated me so horribly, then we could've been really great friends. We were so alike. Eventually, I noticed her getting jealous of my wife but trying to act as if she wasn't—asking to take a photo with me and her and such. Then she started talking to my mom, asking about my life and childhood: things that never interested her before. She also was dismissive of my wife's sensory issues but shut up real fast when I entered the conversation. After that, she began to run out of reasons to be there.

My wife asked if I wanted to make out, and just as I agreed, that is when the dream ended.

[mercurialtides]

‍‍‍‍✧✧✧✧Last night, I dreamt that I was in a world where everyone had video game stats. It sort of caused an apocalypse not too long ago and I was summoned by some ex scientists from a portal. They understood I was a demon but not the extent of my powers and they were also surprised to learn that I had player stats and levels like them and not like a beast. I was level 877 while they were only around their 20's. However, I was contained by a contract with them that relied on being fed creatures and sacrifices.

One scientist was very smart. He offered me a book and a contract exclusively to him. The book though, was the best gift I'd ever received in a dream. It made me want to devour him or please him. The book was made of the flesh of hundreds of monsters and some people. There was samples of every beast, monster, plant, and even some elementals and minerals. He created it the day after I was summoned. So I broke free of my precious contract and became exclusive with him.

We went to this desert which had been the original goal of the scientists. He let me eat the book but asked for a copy of each sample that I'd eaten, which I didn't mind. Anyways, in the desert, there were these massive hornets that were the size of cars and they kept everyone away from this one military base. And beyond that base was what was known as the Dead Zone.

The Dead Zone was a place where world eater larvae nested. They were akin to rolly-polies but they leveled up faster the more they ate and the faster they leveled, the faster and more they ate. Hence why they were called world eaters. They'd soon evolve into world ravagers with some evolving into epic class devourer of worlds. Hence why they needed me to eradicate this problem for them and hence why they were willing to beef me up by offering sacrifices, though the book sufficed quite well instead because I am a shapeshifter. I also don't like needless sacrifices.

So I shapeshifted into a manticore because I'd never tried the form before and it was the first sample of flesh I'd eaten from the book. It was huge, almost dragon proportions, and I'd caused my strange black smoke to go everywhere upon shapeshifting. I then swatted down hornets and turned them to stone upon looking at them. I had a field day. I also kept howling and it caused stones to erupt upwards from the ground, turning anything in my immediate vicinity to stone as a bonus. The stinger on my tail was not ideal to battle giant hornets but it did work in swatting them down. And the wings definitely helped with keeping them at bay.

I helped the scientist to the base. He had a mage class and did try to help me but he got in the way more often than not and stuck to shooting fireballs and icicles at anything I missed. He went in to discuss some things and asked me to get to work on the Dead Zone.

The world eaters were also car sized, though I was spooked to note there were some world ravagers and devourer of worlds in their midst. The devourers were giant, like the size of an apartment complex, while the ravagers were about the size of a house. I shapeshifted into my black dragon form to see if fire would be effective against them. Surprisingly, it was, but it was hard to get it under them, since they were armored on top. So I shapeshifted back into my normal form to spear as many as possible in my line of sight with amethyst. It was hard. I had to do that about 4 times to get all of them off of the ground. It was like a lice or bed bug infestation but on the earth. After that, I shapeshifted back into a dragon and superheated the earth below them into magma so they dropped into it. I also realized I could've done that in the first place and began turning swathes of land into molten and acid wastes. It'd cool eventually though and the acid would eventually peter out into nothing.

When I was done, the summoning was undone and as usual, unfortunately, a giant circle formed under my feet and the sensation of falling woke me up.