#and then in hopefully a week or two i’ll be going 2 the mall! my bro said to do a preliminary check around the shops/bookstore +

[lightlycareless]

Hellooooo I hope u are doing well !! I found ur blog a couple weeks ago I love ur posts😙

I was wondering what it would be like for Y/N and Naoya going thru their first baby's pregnancy. I think it's cute how for the first child they have to get used to mood swings, cravings, baby shopping and all those couple stuff haha. But of course only if u want to !!

Hello!!

Aww, thank you so much!! Welcome to the club, we have only naoya. Enjoy your stay 😏

I'm sorry it took me a while to get back to you, I was quite overwhelmed by other requests, I still am lol, but I manage to write a little something I hope you like!

I kind of went through all of those things, but I do feel like writing more about y/n's first pregnancy with Naoya :> there's just so much agnjakshgjakshgjaghjia

Anyways, here are the warnings: fluff. you're pregnant with your first baby. naoya is super happy. indulgent. you know hehe. but maybe a tiny bit of angst at the end.

related work: sequel 1. sequel 2. sequel 3.

happy reading!!

Their first pregnancy would have to be the most special, loving, adorable, spoiled moment of their life!!!

Not to say that the others weren't, but this was the first time… experiencing everything, you know? So obviously, they couldn’t just sit back and not enjoy this moment to the fullest, taking it to the extreme, as they always did.

It is for granted that whatever Naoya does it will always be to please you; whatever request, no matter how big or small, he is at your command and you should take advantage of that, as he’d frequently insist. 

Starting with your cravings, not that he didn’t do that before, but now he’s just a bit more cautious, taking an extra step just to be sure.

“Honey, I think I want something—”

“Sweet, sour? Or spicy perhaps? Maybe a combination of all? I got all kinds of snack for you to choose from, but if that doesn’t work, I can go out and get —”

“I haven't said anything yet, Naoya!” You chuckle. “I think I just want something sweet, that's all.”

“Chocolate? Cake? Cookies? Gummies? Ice cream? Mochi?” He goes on, and you remain silent, thinking…

“...maybe a bit of everything?” you pout. “And perhaps something else too…”

“And something else too.” he repeats with a smirk before placing his hand over your belly. “Sounds like a plan for my princesses’”

“Stop saying that, it sounds like you already know their gender!”

“I don’t, I promise.” Naoya kisses your cheek. “I’m just guessing, that’s all.”

“Well, if our baby ends up being a girl I’ll take it as if you did know, and I’ll be very angry with you…” you frown, he chuckles.

“Hopefully not too angry to eat.” Obviously, you don’t mean any of those words as seen in the way you quickly hug him, pressing kisses across his face as you declare that regardless of the baby’s gender, you’re very happy to be forming a family with him, as well as how eager you were to finally welcome your little dumpling in your arms.

Followed by dates, outings, or however you want to call them: those are definitely Naoya's favorite of all. 

From making the most of the little time he has with you between missions and clan responsibilities, to wanting to show off how happy he can make the future mother of his children, once again there is no doubt that whatever you set your eyes on, it's yours, no questions asked—clothes, furniture, food, pastimes, anything; don't worry your pretty little head about anything, he’ll make it work.

“Oh, that crib is so cute…” you’d say once stopping before a furniture store, the two strolling around the mall right after getting ice cream from that one place you wanted to try out for the longest, but haven’t been able to due to Naoya’s… unwanted commitments. 

Your hand is tightly holding his because of that, almost as if you were afraid of letting go and losing him. Moments like this make you all warm, keeping them close to your heart.

“...But we already have one.”

“And who said we couldn't have two?” Naoya responds, more than ready to step into the store and buy the crib—he doesn’t care if the bedroom is fully decorated at that point, you want it, you’ll have it.

“No, Naoya! We can't take it!” You’d tug at his arm immediately after. “We can't just have two cribs because we want to!”

“Who says so?” He raises an eyebrow. “If anything, it’s only necessary—the estate is too big to just have one bedroom; I can’t have you walking from one edge to the other just to put our dumpling to bed, nor will I allow it.”

“Don’t be silly… that’s not even a real issue…”

…

…

…

“... but if we get another, does  that mean we’ll have more rooms to decorate?”

“Naturally.”Naoya smiles. “Oooh, then can we get that other crib as well?” you cheer, gesturing at the one right beside it. “I’ve been wanting to do something with yellow, I feel like it could fit in nicely! I got so many ideas too, aahh I can’t wait to show you!!”

The Zen’in and your family would eventually come to think that maybe Naoya’s bottomless spending when it comes to doting you, as well as your willingness to enable his behavior might not be the best approach…

But unfortunately, your husband doesn’t care, quickly shutting down any unrequited comments before they came your way, focusing instead on nurturing the happy, safe family he always dreamed of having with you.

If you wanted to have matching outfits for you and the baby every day, then Naoya would take you to every store necessary, indifferent if it was on the other side of the country, or give you his credit card to order online, all depending on your mood, since pregnancy made you far more exhausted, as expected.

Which of course, Naoya was dutifully prepared for, showing how serious he was in preserving your wellbeing by arranging weekly, if not daily spa days for you to simply relax and unwind, only the best masseurs were allowed to tend to his wife—the slightest mistake would be met by his reproach, which thankfully rarely occurred since he mostly liked to be involved himself (jealous, perhaps?)

Your absolutely favorite moment had to be when he stood behind you, placing his hands just beneath your belly to relieve pressure from the baby by carefully lifting it, a gesture that while simple, made you just about the happiest woman in the world.

As well as the most miserable when he had to stop.

“You’re the worst husband!” you’d cry, pouting as he eventually retreated. Naoya tries his best to not laugh at the adorable way you complained, but he could only do so much when it came to you. “Why would you even do that if you’re going to leave?”

“I didn’t mean to, princess. But I gotta do things too, you know?”

“...Like what?” You frown. “What could possibly be more important than me??”

“Nothing, ever.” He smiles, carefully wrapping his arms around you and resting them over your stomach. “But you do know you can go to the bedroom to rest, right? You don't have to worry about any duties or such, our baby comes first. And if anyone dares bother you, just let me know—they’ll get what’s coming to them…”

“... I know, I know, but… I just wanted to be with you the most I could before you left.” you eventually admit, looking up to him with those teary, round eyes that always made him putty. “You’re leaving soon, aren’t you?”

Naoya feels his heart clench with regret, sorrowful when reminded of the truth.

“Yes, I have a mission.”

“Why do you even go on so many missions?” you protest. “I mean, I get it but—but you’ve been working so much this year, and we’re expecting a baby too! Shouldn’t you… shouldn't you have some time for your family as well? You deserve it—I deserve it!”

“Yes, I do. And you’re not the only one that thinks that, but as the heir and sorcerer, I also have—”

“It’s almost like you’re married to them, and not me.” you frown, looking away; he doesn’t need to hear more to know that you’re very upset (and even then, that might be an underestimation) by his frequent absence, but also, perhaps mainly, anxious for the arrival of the baby.

It was only natural that you’d feel that way, after all, your little dumpling was set to come in just a few weeks, introducing you to the last, most crucial moments of your pregnancy.

The doctors asked you to be cautious, reduce stress to the bare minimum and continue having a healthy routine, but that was always easier said than done, and though you’ve done your best thanks to the constant comfort and reassurance of those you loved, such as your family…

They could never compare your husband, whom you only missed more and more with each passing day as he was forced to undergo missions after missions, after missions.

You might not lack anything at home, and was greatly appreciative of it too, but all the things in the world could never replace his company, no matter how much you tried to tell yourself otherwise.

And thus, he takes one of the many decisions that not only proves his commitment to you, but the depth of his feelings, how excited he was for this new stage in his life, setting an example to his future as a husband and father.

“I'll stay home from now on.” Naoya promises, taking you in his arms and kissing the top of your head, before gently cupping your face, swiping away the tears on your cheeks and sealing his words with another kiss on your lips. “I'll arrange someone to take my missions, I won't leave you alone, I swear.”

The two couldn’t care less if the whole world was against both, as long as you had each other, everything would be alright.

Exactly what he intended to do, from the very moment his heart became yours, he vowed to do whatever it took to be by your side whenever you needed him, in the good and in the bad, for better or for worse…

Until one day, unfortunately, he couldn't.

hahaha well I decided to connect this one thing with another thing I have planned in the future... detailing more of naomi's relationship with her dad and y/n's second pregnancy...

BUT ANYWAYS I WANT TO GO INTO MORE DETAIL WITH THE SHOPPING PART IT'S SOOOO CCCUUUUUUTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Also Naoya is like super detached (acts like it, he's not) when it comes to your decisions about getting stuff for Naomi, but if you buy matching outfits for the two he will die of cuteness. Test it. :) he loves it.

Well, I hope you liked this little something!!! Omg keep them coming I love domestic stuff between our two lovebirds 🥺especially when y/n is still pregnant hehe Naoya becomes an even more overprotective man aghjkahsjgasghasjgk or when Naomi is eventually born..........................

ugh thank you so much for sending this!!! I LOVED WRITING IT if there's anything else you want me to write be sure to let me know!!!! 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️

Now take care, and hope to see you soon!!!

[olderjodijournals]

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1998

It’s hard to believe it’s already October! The year has been flying by. I’m glad time seems to be passing so quickly because then we can be moving soon enough. Although looking at it logically, we still have a long way to go before we’re out of here. My vibes strongly tell me we won’t be moved till at least June and that’s almost a whole year away.

The tooth is really coming down and making progress with sliding into place. Tom guesses that I’ll have these braces off in 8 weeks. I wish! I doubt that, though. I think they’ll be on till February or March.

Kim’s still having it rough with the medical end of things. She has to have more tissue from her cervix removed. She just started this new natural mineral pill, too, but it’s supposed to be for making tits bigger. She said it works well and that as an added side effect, it causes hair and nail growth to speed up. Well, my hair is to my lower ass, so I don’t need that. She can have my tits, I told her. I hate how mine has grown. Kim was all psyched about feeling her tits move when she walks. I hate that. That’s totally uncomfortable for me. I hate how they squish together, too, when I’m lying on my side.

Woke up at 114 pounds. The water pill I took yesterday took off 4 pounds of water. Naturally, I’m stuck, as I tend to be after taking one of those, and before my period. I had been doing really well there for a while, too, with the shitting.

Tom’s home now, and if Evie knows what she’s talking about, then he’ll be telling me that Mary had a rough time with her surgery.

Later…

Tom crashed a little while ago, so he can be well-rested for going to the doll store tomorrow.

Mary’s doctor lied to her, from what I was told. He told her that the procedure would be painless, but that was not the case. She’s in a lot of pain. Hopefully, she’ll be on the mend soon enough. She liked the card I gave her, and they all liked the picture booklet I made up.

We switched to the cooler today and it’s nice to have the fresh air in here, even if Phoenix has become polluted. Helps get some of the pet smells out. It’s a bit more humid in here now, but not like it’d be if it were either humid outside, very hot, or both. It’s only to be 92º today. According to the weather line, it’ll only be 88º next Monday.

Later…

Looks like Ratsy here has finally decided to nap inside his nest. That’s nice. The more I see it, though, I think the log’s too low for him. The mice would appreciate the log and nest a hell of a lot more, but it’s nice to see he finally gave it a try.

From 4:00 to an hour ago, I ended up napping. Hopefully, it won’t throw my schedule off of going out tomorrow. It shouldn’t, though. At midnight, I’ll take a couple of Benadryl. Then all I have to worry about is making it to my Monday appointment, which should be easy enough.

I just got up to let Blackie in. I knew he’d be hungry. He hasn’t eaten in many hours. Still no sign of White Paws. This has got to be the longest stretch of time that’s passed without my seeing her, but she’ll be back. What truly is amazing, though, is the fact that I haven’t seen Mama Cat in ages! You’d think she’d still come around every once and a while to check for food here, but nope. Makes me wonder if she’s still alive.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1998

We went to two doll stores today. The one in Scottsdale that was supposed to be this huge, spectacular store was worse than the mall. It had mostly dollhouses and little dollhouse furniture, which was cute, but not as many dolls as we thought. They were too expensive as was the mall store, and their dolls were so dull.

The other store we went to, which was about the same size as the Scottsdale one and a little bigger than the mall one, had about a dozen nice dolls at much better prices. I saw a couple that was of average size, with nice long hair and nice dresses, for only $30 and $40. So it looks like I’m gonna get one or two from this store, then perhaps I’ll knock off the Rapunzel one from the catalog, and just get the remaining three I want to get from the catalog. I saw one of the dolls there that was listed in the catalog (not one I want). It was for the same price, too.

Another cool thing about the store with the nice $30 and $40 dolls was that it had doll parts for making your own dolls. It had painted heads with the hair attached. There were dresses, shoes, bodies, etc. Next time I’m there, I’m gonna check into this and see if it’s less costly than buying an already made-up doll.

I’m looking forward to making mice wallpaper this weekend. Our camera can’t take detailed shots of the mice. They’re just too little. The camcorder can, though. It can zoom in and get some good face shots. That way I can always have pictures of my favorites to remember, like Ziggy, and Patch with her “eye patch” which consists of a brown circle of fur over one eye.

Had a hell of a miserable memory a couple of evenings ago. It’s not like it’s something I ever forgot, but I seemed to remember it in more detail and the emotions that go with it. Thanks, Doe and Art, for the memories you’ve given me for the rest of my life. It’s not so much the memories that depress or anger me, it’s the emotions that go with the memories. It’s remembering how I felt at a particular time. Not just the events of the memory itself. It’s a really crappy thought to know that I have to live with these memories for the rest of my life since we can’t erase memories. At least I can’t, anyway. All I can do is try to divert my mind’s attention when they come and think of something more pleasant.

I’ll go ahead and write about this last one, though. It basically came to me while I was listening to music just as the sun was almost completely set. It was when I could see the basic outlines, with no color or details, of the furniture in the room. Back when I’d get in trouble at school, one of the things that bitch did was send me right to bed. As early as 3:00. Normally, my bedtime in elementary school, which was when this would happen mostly, was 8:00. What I remembered was the sheer depression and boredom that’d overcome me for hours as I’d lay there wishing and praying for the darkness to come. The darker it got, the better I’d feel, cuz then I’d know it had to be around the time I was supposed to be in bed anyway. I couldn’t see the time, though. The little square, yellow alarm clock I had wasn’t a digital clock that lit up.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1998

I’d have a nearly perfect husband if it weren’t for his lying. First he says he blasts TVs and computer games cuz I talk over it, and now it’s cuz he’s got wax in his ears. The truth is that he wants to annoy me. It’s that obvious. Then when I asked him why he hadn’t done anything about this wax or asked for my help, his lame excuse was that I get very impatient with doing his ears, which is BS.

Weeks ago I asked him to please trim the tree/hedges out front, which I know he won’t do. So then why can’t he just admit it? Why can’t he just say he doesn’t want to do it rather than say every single fucking week that he’ll do it?

He’s still lying about cumming. I mean he hasn’t come out and said that he’s cum, but when I imply that he has, he doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t admit to not cumming. Doesn’t he know that this is what I want, though? If he’s just as content to not cum, then it’s best that he doesn’t because then there’s no need to deal with the mess it makes. I understand his reasons for not cumming - neither of us wants a kid, but I don’t understand his need to hide this from me. Or think he’s hiding the truth from me, anyway.

The closer I get to my appointment, the surer I am that I won’t be seeking out fertility testing. Not just because my curiosity’s dying, but because I’m not gonna go in there with a lying husband at my side. I may be able to get the same results I’d get if he did let them have his cum, but I’m not going in there playing games, either. I always firmly believed that if you’re gonna seek help about something, you should be as honest as you can, or else people can’t help you as well.

He’s not the only one with a problem here. It’s not that I can’t cum, it’s that it’s gotten harder for me to cum and I prefer to get off on my own. It’s easier that way. But every time we screw these days, it’s so obvious that neither of us is into it. Last night I felt like I was making love with an 80-year-old man. He huffed and puffed away having no stamina, wasn’t even fully hard, went about it as if it was a big chore, and just wasn’t one bit into it. I wish, though, that he hadn’t bothered, cuz now all that fucking irritation’s back.

Why does he have to lie so much? Why does he lie and say he’s horny all the time? We’ll have plenty of time today and tomorrow for sex. Well, not that I want sex cuz I’m hardly ever horny these days and am not afraid to admit the truth, but do you think he’s gonna initiate sex today or tomorrow? No fucking way. He wouldn’t want that. TV is his sex, so to speak.

I just wish he’d stop lying about what he really wants/likes, and I wish he’d stop saying he was gonna do things he doesn’t want or intend to do.

Later…

Lisa just called all freaked out about her ex-boyfriend. Fortunately, this dude doesn’t go to the same school as she does, but she’s worried that his brother will bring him to her house to kick her ass for “talking shit” about her. Lisa told me she told him that if she had anything to say to him, she’d say it to his face, and doesn’t want to call Tammy, saying it’s her problem. I reminded her that it’s OK to ask for help at times, although I understand one wanting to fight their own battles. She said she was sure he could hurt her. I told her that if she makes up her mind that he can, then he can. I told her not to call him, to hang up on him if he calls, and to cut him off completely if he’s gonna threaten her and behave like this, but not to think she automatically can’t defend herself if need be. She said she didn’t want to carry a knife around for the rest of her life and I told her she has two fists, so she doesn’t need to. I told her to call the cops if he showed up at the door and to stand her ground and fight back if he went after her. She’s got to stop telling herself she’s this defenseless thing or else she’ll believe it and really be defenseless.

Later…

The red car’s been in and out and so has the dark blue car. Who’s next, Joebitch?

Later…

Our little lisp bitch has done well today so far. Hardly any door slamming.

You know, I often find her looking towards the house as if hoping I’d come out. It’s like she wants to catch a glimpse of me. Obviously, she doesn’t know that I know she tried having me served, cuz if she did, wouldn’t she be a wee bit too embarrassed to face me?

I hate it when I think of things when I’m not writing on the computer and I make a mental note to write about it but then forget it.

I hope Lisa will be OK. Statistically speaking, she will be, but there are teenage girls who do get killed by their sick ex-boyfriends. Ain’t it sad to know that she and her sisters will probably never know the love that I know? Most human beings will never know the love Tom and I have for each other. Yes, there are some things I don’t like about him, as none of us are perfect, and I bitch about these things, but it’s like I’m being compensated for all the abusive, sick, assholes I was exposed to before meeting Tom.

I wonder a lot lately - why is God being so nice to me? You’d think I’d have some serious compensation vibe, but I don’t. I’m sure my luck will run out eventually, but still, why’s he being so nice? He’s blessed me with a husband like Tom, let my impossible baby dream die off, and given me peace and quiet. I’ve never felt this relaxed and happy in all my life. He let me off the cigarettes, and I finally accepted that I’ll always be between 115-120 pounds, and my one remaining dream, which is a material dream (moving), is inevitable.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1998

You could say I’m in a fine mood since it’s been one year since I quit smoking!! I’m in such shock and disbelief.

For my anniversary, Tom neatened up papers that were cluttered in the back room. This is very nice of him, but I’m afraid this is one of those many projects that he starts but won’t finish for a while. This weekend, he did venture away from the TV to do some computer work, but he mostly did his favorite - the TV.

As I knew/predicted, my oh-so-horny-all-the-time husband didn’t want extras. Neither did I. It’s just that I can be honest about it.

Andy was a pest for a while there, who as figured, didn’t mention the anniversary in his message to me for two reasons. One is because he’s too into himself these days, even if he is less insensitive, and two is because he no doubt forgot about it. About a week ago when we were talking, he did, however, mention being proud of me for it, and that was nice.

I take that back about Tom. He says he’s gonna finish the paper sorting today. Then he also said we could do the file box next weekend. Yeah, right. But whenever we do it, I’m gonna scan the papers we want to keep.

Now back to Andy. He’s such a pest at times, I swear! Is he just too stupid to remember the things I tell him? Or does he just not give a shit? He knows I don’t do weekend chats, he and I just updated each other on our lives just two days ago, yet he has to leave me this message saying nothing but that my machine kept cutting him off and that he’d be around if I wanted to call and chat later. Yeah, the machine kept cutting him off cuz every single fucking time I tried to log in to AOL, he had to call and cut me off. Of all the times this pest had to call, couldn’t it have waited till after I’d gotten online?

So I left him a message reminding him that we just talked and that I was too tied up.

In Andy’s last message to me, he was all thrilled cuz Barbara Nicks lent him $10. Well, I’m happy for him, but is he gonna always be scraping pennies? I sometimes wonder if he’ll live his life as broke as he will loveless. I hope not.

I could be totally wrong on this, but his gut that he complains about has to be coming from somewhere. It’s not just about age, so I wonder if he’s really as hungry as he makes himself out to be. I think that the real reason he’s starving so much of the time is that he’s spending whatever precious money he has left after he pays some of his bills, and buys pot and cigarettes, on food that he’s gobbling up in no time at all. If I’m right, and if he’s eating like a pig and eating his kitchen down the moment he stocks it, he is gonna be starving a lot. He claims he just has a few bites a day, but I don’t think so. His eating seems to be a regular topic in his messages and it’s no wonder that he’s bitching about not being able to eat. He doesn’t ration out his food to last him, however hard that may be. And I know how hard it can be. I went through all that shit myself. My question to God, though, is if he’s always gonna be this way. 90% of his life is just like it was when he was 27 when we reunited, which is in a sense, kind of sad.

Later…

Only one little burst of door-slamming today from the red car. Other than that, Joebitch has been good, and it just went to bed from what I can see. Any door slamming I get from over there is nothing compared to what the cock would give me. The bitch’s cronies are parked outside of the carport when they’re doing their shit, so the sound doesn’t funnel in between the block wall and their carport as much. But when that freeloader would be parked deep in the carport and deliberately slam doors really, really hard - Jesus Christ! I wanted to kill the little shit fuck.

Yesterday was binge day and I had around 2000 calories. I ate like a pig and this double chin, thick waist, big hips, thunder thighs, and bubble butt, really show it, but you know what? I just don’t care! Thank you, God, too, cuz just like I wanted for years to not give a fuck about a kid, I longed for a time when I could be carefree about my weight. Why should I worry about how I look when I’m married and healthy and not looking to be a topless dancer?

I had Tom put the scale away again so I wouldn’t be back into obsessive weighing again out of habit. I know whether I’m big or small by just looking and seeing. The scale last said 118 pounds, though.

Fifteen minutes from now at 9:15, I expect the guard dogs will have their final barking fit of the day.

Tom scanned something into the computer and into my wallpaper menu that I’ll always cherish. I picked my top favorites of the mice - Ziggy, Patch, Tanner, and one of the Cocoas, and had Tom film and capture a shot of them using the camcorder. I also did one of Velvet and Ratsy. Velvet pretty much just looks like a black blob, so I just printed out the mice and Ratsy for Tammy and the girls so they can see their different colors and markings.

Tom had White Paws in today and she was in the kitchen eating with Blackie. She ran when she saw me, cuz she knows I don’t like her. I wish he didn’t have to be so damn soft-hearted when it came to animals, cuz every time I’ve just about gotten rid of her and gotten her to fend for herself, he lures her right back here.

His cousin Cindy called but didn’t leave a message, therefore, I don’t know what she wanted Tom to do for her and I know she wanted him to do something for her, cuz nobody calls this guy without wanting him to do something for them.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1998

Went to see Melanie today, who had her hair up and looked nice, but it didn’t tickle. Tom could hear me moaning from the waiting room.

I told her I quit smoking a year ago yesterday and she said to keep up the good work.

She had a bunch of colorful retainers laid out. Guess I’m gonna get one of those after these braces come off. I told her Tom guessed that these things would be off in 8 weeks, and asked if he was as delusional as I thought, or if he was about right, and she said he was delusional. They won’t be off till around March, as I vibed, but I was surprised when she told me that according to my file, my braces didn’t go on till March 10th. Really? I had thought they’d been on since February or January.

Anyway, she put some kind of a wedge in to rotate the tooth and put more pressure on it and I don’t have to go back for 4 weeks.

After leaving Melie’s we went to the doll store we liked and boy was I pissed! They’re not even open on Mondays! So maybe we’ll go tomorrow.

We did go to the paper store. I needed more white paper and I also got some sheet music stationary.

Now it looks like we won’t be going to Vegas for two weeks. I’m looking forward to flying and having fun gambling. The only bummer is, is that I know for sure I won’t win. Why? Because of the dolls I want. Whenever you really want money for something, it’s harder to get it, but if you don’t really need it for anything, in it comes.

My period’s starting today. It’s a little over a week early. Of course, I’ll spend a few days spotting before I get whatever’s left of the periods I seem to get these days, which isn’t much at all. Again, could it have anything to do with why I’m so heavy? Nah. It’s just part of age and not smoking. I’m only 20 pounds overweight, too. If I were 40 or 50, then I’d worry.

This has been the longest time I’ve been on days in over a decade. This is the first time in between appointments with Mel that my schedule hasn’t completely rotated.

Ratsy was like a guinea pig last night. I’ve never seen him this sweet and loving. Usually, rats are like mice, hamsters, and gerbils. They like to go off and explore a couch or a bed or wherever you put them. Not last night, though. Last night he sat with me like a GP and if I’d move away, he’d follow and burrow himself under my chin.

I’ve got quite a funny freeloader update, but what I’m gonna say won’t be in their excerpts, of course. Well, I killed her. Yup, I’m writing in my excerpts for them as my latest bullshit, that I beat her to death by accident. I got carried away. She came here falsely accusing me of smashing her windows so I went to kick her ass, but killed her instead. From here on out, though, her twin sister Selena will live there with the kid. Selena told me so when she came to the house threatening to have me caught, tried, convicted, and executed. Then I tell Selena - don’t come to my door again. It may kill you, too.

Later…

I watched the movie Riot about the L.A. riots of 1992, and oh my God! It was depressing, scary, and totally infuriating! If the freeloaders next door lowered my opinions of blacks, then this really threw me over the edge. I’ve never hated blacks this much. Never! I’m totally prejudiced now and with complete just cause as far as I’m concerned. These people never wanted “equal” rights. They wanted the most rights. They wanted to be number one and have everyone else be number two.

Yes, the pigs that beat the snot out of Rodney King were 100% wrong. They never should’ve gotten off, but does that give blacks an excuse to shit on society for it? On innocent people that had nothing to do with this shit? I mean, first they shit on whites, then the Asians, then Hispanics, and then they shit on themselves. Yes, you heard right. In their own fucking neighborhoods, they looted and beat and killed, etc. They beat upon their own “brothers” and “sisters.” This is really scary too, cuz I’ve got a pack of blacks just a few feet away from me. What if some similar verdict went down again like that? Cuz as soon as they didn’t get their way with something, would they go smashing up this street and looting from the houses? Would they?

Well here’s my promise to myself - if they move first and if anything happens to this house, I’ll hunt down every single one of them I can find and I’ll personally go to their doors and destroy them. I’ll destroy them! Maybe, just maybe, the freeloaders can go peacefully if they go first and let the past remain in the past, but I don’t know. It’s up to them if they want trouble again, cuz if they shit on me again, someone’s gonna shit right back on them. What goes around truly does come around, but hopefully we’re done with each other from here on out. I don’t want any more trouble than they hopefully don’t want, but like I said, I don’t know, cuz some people do like trouble. All I’m saying is that if they do anything, they’re gonna have to pay the price. Many times over.

Nonetheless, I have absolutely no empathy or pity for these freeloaders. Any shit they’ve gotten be it yesterday or today is shit they asked for and as far as I’m concerned, they have no right to be here. They should all be either shot or sent back to where they came from after you’ve weeded out the one in every million who may be a fairly decent person.

There was a funny part of this movie, believe it or not. This girl was with these two guys who were happily looting, and she was trying to get them to stop. At one store, there was this beautiful dress that the girl put on. The guy she was with urged her to take it, but she said she couldn’t do that. Then she went to reach for her own clothes, but somebody had stolen them, so she had to steal the dress if she didn’t want to run around naked.

Later…

Wow. Summer’s really dying off out there. It’s actually chilly out there right now. Tom said he could’ve used the heater when he was leaving work last night. Thanks to pushy Marjorie, though, we had to take this car that’s even shittier than his old one. He should’ve put his foot down a lot sooner than he did, but still, that’s about $40 we have to pay and all the more time Tom has to lose.

Come on, Marge, I’m getting impatient here. Let’s go now, hurry up and drop dead. I mean, what’s God keeping her around for? Like she has anything left to offer this world? Like there’s something more she has to do before she goes? Yeah, right! Her life’s over, it’s been over, so God, why not just end it and get it over with and let us get on with our lives, huh?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1998

I’m gonna have plenty of car door slamming next weekend to make up for last weekend being on the mild side of the slamming, and God only knows what else on top of that. It’s a 3-day holiday weekend. Columbus Day. Yeah, from here on out till the New Year, we’ll be jammed with holidays, but at least I know they go elsewhere for Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is unless that changes.

I still can’t believe the after-school or weekend ball games haven’t started back up yet. It’s cooled down enough. I’ll bet that’s even why the freeloader parks on the street. To leave room for any kids who may want to use the hoop.

In much better news, I got my second porcelain doll, although the plastic ones they had were nice, too. Yes, Anne, although she has a boring name, puts Jessica to shame! She even puts the Rapunzel doll to shame, so I’m knocking her off my list. Anne’s a little taller than Jessica at 17”. She’s also got blond hair and blue eyes with a much more realistic face. She has an OK blue floral dress, which sort of reminds me of my 2nd and 40th journal covers. It’s got lace trim at the neck, wrists, and hem. There’s white from the chest to the waist with a blue satin ribbon. She has white stockings and white shoes each with a blue ribbon. She has silk pantaloons. Her fingernails aren’t painted red like Jessica’s. Her dress is much nicer than Jessica’s. She has no hat on. This is the same $40 doll that I liked the last time I was there. Best of all, her hair’s down to her knees! I guess really long hair’s the style for dolls these days cuz you’d be hard-pressed to find any with hair above the waist from what we could see. I wanted at least one with really long hair and the rest can have hair at any length as long as it’s not above the shoulders, and I don’t want boy dolls either.

This store was a nice, cozy family-owned and operated business, their dolls range from $15 to over a grand and I asked them about doll making, but it’s really no less costly than if you just buy the dolls.

I saw Patrice there, the next doll I wanted from the Ashton-Drake catalog I’ve got. Her tag even had the name of the catalog on it. She’s just as beautiful as the catalog showed at the same price of $100. So, I’ll get her from the store, rather than from the catalog, unless she’s sold by December when I’ll probably be getting her since I don’t expect to win $100 in Vegas. I didn’t know this about Patrice, but she’s on a music box stand that twirls!

Tentatively, I’ll be getting the remaining 3 I liked from the catalog, then I want to save up for my final doll, which is to be one of those big 24” or more dolls that cost $200 - $300. She’ll no doubt have very dark eyes and hair.

The Melanie doll was still there.

They also have a doll-making class and it’s about $120 to get started. As Tom pointed out, we spent more than that when we were trying out oil painting, and you couldn’t even begin to get into computers at that price. I still don’t know if I’ll ever enroll in such a thing. Besides, I’m more of a self-taught kind of girl. If I want to learn something, I usually prefer to try to figure it out for myself.

I braided Jessica’s hair for variety. Both Tom and I like her hair better braided. Guess her hair got rather dusty. I sneezed a dozen or so times doing it.

What a bummer with the number blocking. Must be my compensation for Anne, but anyway, I went to block a business number that actually showed its number, but a recording told me my list was full and that I’d have to remove a number to add this one. That sucks! I didn’t know there was a limit.

Later…

That was weird. A call just came up as anonymous and I heard what sounded like a middle-aged white woman with a Southern accent say, “Hey Vern. Hope you ain’t working this afternoon. Give me a call when you get home.”

Didn’t she hear Tom’s voice in our outgoing message and realize that wasn’t Vern’s voice?

Later…

I don’t know if I’m seeing things, or what, but I noticed muscle definition the whole length of my calves from knee to ankle, and I also noticed some along the sides of my thighs. A place where I haven’t had any muscle in years. Tom said he noticed it, too.

And now Tom’s also saying that he never recommended I bring up the issue of testing when I go for the exam. He said to get the exam done, get to know the doctor, and then make that decision. That’s not what he said earlier. I thought he said to mention it upon getting my exam. I mean, they’re gonna ask questions anyway.

Why don’t I just forget it? I mean, a child’s not meant to be whether or not I wanted one, I’m not that curious anymore as to what’s wrong, so why don’t I just get the exam, tell them the truth when they ask about birth control (I don’t need birth control or want kids), and then there’ll be nothing for us to argue/disagree on. Yes, that’s what I’ll do and it’s my final decision. It’s been a year now since I both lost interest, and got very sick of the issues of kids, answers as to why I’m sterile, and sex. Sex is another reason why it’d be foolish for me to go. They’d want to test us both and only one of us would cooperate. I will never again deal with his not cumming. That, too, is a closed chapter in my life. It’s his life and his body, so the only one that can deal with it, if he chooses to, is himself. So, consider the baby, the getting answers, the sex, a done deal, and a closed chapter in my life. From here on out, I’ll just endure the boring sex we have, and that’s it. He can go in me. He cannot go in me. He can cum. He cannot cum.

I thought of a funny, yet sadly true thing about when I was so pissed to find the doll store closed on Monday. Well, if I were black, the proper thing to have done in that case would’ve been to smash my way into the store and loot it.

I also got a kick out of how one of the women from that movie was bitching about how everything’s Vietnamese nowadays. Wrong. Everything’s pregnancy and babies these days.

Later…

Bitch next door goes to bed early - 9:00.

This cat is both just like Shadow was, and totally different. He’s just as loving as Shadow was, but he’s so well-behaved. Shadow was such a destructive cat. Into everything and anything. Not this cat, though. He doesn’t explore or get into shit. He stays pretty much by his food and water.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1998

Changed the mice and rat cages. I’m using all the cages and almost all but two tubes.

I have so much to write concerning Lisa and Tammy. The 3 of us spoke earlier. I’ll try to word our discussion as best I can. It’s just that there are so many different things we talked about that are kind of connected. One thing led to another.

The good news is that Tammy’s divorce is final tomorrow.

For my sister to discuss me, of all people, taking in Lisa (provided we talk with Tom and he agrees, of course) tells me just how desperate the situation there is. It’s not gonna happen, though. That much I do know. I mean I just vibe it. Unfortunately, she and Bill have joint custody, and there’s no way in hell Bill will go for it. If he told Larry, whom he’s buddy-buddy with to fuck off, he sure as hell will tell me that and much more. He thinks I’m totally crazy. Also, if legal arrangements were ever made for Lisa to live here, we’d have to really hide it from Larry, cuz he’d call the state the second he got word of it out of spite cuz he wanted her. My parents wouldn’t agree with it one bit either, and they’d call the state, too. However, if you’re like most of us, you know the state’s useless. Let them call. They can’t prove any abuse most of the time and even when they can, they don’t do shit. Yes, Tammy should legally have the kids taken away from her, but that can’t be proven. She’s smart enough to hide her shit. Someone like Paula B wouldn’t have brains enough to, though. Tammy wouldn’t hit or swear at Lisa in front of the state. Paula would.

According to Tammy, she could’ve gotten sole custody, but because Lisa’s now on her dad’s side, she can’t. She said that if Lisa filled out a form detailing his abuse, then he’d have no custody. Lisa’s wanting to be friendly with him makes no sense to me, but at the same time, it does. I can see her feeling confused. I went through that at her age. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my parents, but I didn’t want to put up with their abuse, either.

Now Tammy insists that if Lisa comes out here, she’ll walk all over us and will lie to us. What do I think about that? I just don’t know. She’s been proven to have lied to me about smoking and about calling Larry. She told me she’s only called there a couple of times in the last few months, yet according to Tammy, there are 22 calls to him on her phone bill for the month of August. I don’t know if she’s trying to reach out to Larry, to Jen, or to both, or what. All Tammy and I could do yet again, was remind Lisa that there are other Jens and Larrys out there, so if we can spare her from one more asshole, we’ll do our best, cuz she’s gonna meet enough of those throughout her lifetime, and although Jen’s a sweetheart, she’s not worth the close connection to Larry. Larry may be funny, but sooner or later, he’s gonna wimp out of being able to deal with her and he’ll dump her. I’m virtually 100% certain of this, too, and we just want to protect her. That’s all. But as Tammy said, she’s gonna do whatever she wants and in just a few months, it’ll be her legal right to do so since in Connecticut, she’s an adult at 16. In fact, Tammy’s saying that she wants her out of there on January 20th (her birthday).

On the other hand, kids don’t always behave the same way with others as they would with parents. I don’t know what to think or believe anymore, but I’m gonna keep my promise to Lisa and that’s to be there for her in any way I can for the rest of my life. I’ll do whatever I can do to help her. When I mentioned her coming out on just a vacation, she said nope, she’s not deserving of that.

She was pissed off that Lisa rang up $111 of calls to Larry and me and I don’t know why she didn’t bother calling me collect.

I wish I could get it through to her that she doesn’t have to lie to me. Telling the truth, even if I disagree with it, won’t lessen my love for her or make me dump her. She doesn’t have to tell me something I want to hear that’s not true, just to get my love and approval and all that. I’d rather her tell me 10 things I disagreed with but were true rather than one good lie.

I still think the best thing for everybody would be for her to just do as she’s told like it or not, finish school, then go wherever she wants.

I also let Tammy know that I wouldn’t make any decisions without talking to Tom first, and she understood and knows that I’ll talk to Tom, then we can all talk if need be. She’s going to find out what her legal rights are, talk to Bill, and an attorney. I didn’t tell her this, but I don’t know if Tom would be too thrilled with the idea of playing parent or guardian here and having to deal with such responsibility. Also, I question my own abilities here. She may not be an infant or a toddler, but still, how am I gonna manage a schedule for her? How will I cook and all that? I’m child-illiterate and wouldn’t always know the best things to say/do. Can I handle this kind of responsibility? Remember, God doesn’t think so. He made me sterile for a reason. I’m not seeking out help about my sterility for a reason.

I asked Tammy if she had any friends who could help and who could maybe take Lisa for a day or so when things get tough and when they really get fed up with each other to give each other a breather, but she said no.

After I advised Lisa to do all she can possibly do to avoid people who hit her or abuse her in any way, I made it clear to her that if she does come here, there’ll basically be just 3 rules, besides the general rule of doing right and being honest. Smoke outside only, since no one can stop her from doing that in the first place. Keep her room neat. And let us know what she’s up to (like if she wants to go out somewhere). As we both told her, that’s a piece of cake compared to having to work and make ends meet, pay bills, and maintain a place to live. And that if she does walk all over us, she has to go. I won’t cut her out of my life completely and I’ll still love her, but she can’t live here if she’s gonna be smoking indoors or screwing up bad.

I feel bad for Tammy, I understand her frustrations, fears, anxieties, etc., but I still think the bulk of the problem is her. I don’t know if this is typical teenage behavior, or if it is overkill like Tammy says it is, but still, Tammy’s yelling and verbal abuse aren’t helping. She calls Lisa a bitch and refers to her as a bitch, and that’s really degrading. Doesn’t she remember what it was like when Doe would degrade her and call her a fat pig? It’s OK to use swear words to express yourself, in my opinion, but it’s another to swear at someone. Couldn’t she kindly say to Lisa something like, “You know, you’re acting sort of bitchy,” or something like that? Must she constantly yell, demand, and cuss her out? And I thought it was pretty cold of her to tell her she doesn’t have a mother anymore and that she can no longer take her into her arms or heart.

Tammy was really pissed to find that Lisa smoked in her room when she was supposed to do it outside. I told Tammy that since I’m not the parent and don’t have the experience with kids that she’s got, I may not know what the hell I’m saying, but maybe she’s practicing what she preaches too much, and once again, that didn’t help us when Dureen and Art did this to us. Tammy says she smokes inside. Well, maybe she and Lisa both need to go out on the deck to smoke. She said the new smoking rule is that she’s underage, so she can’t smoke anywhere.

I feel bad for Lisa, too, regardless of what she’s lied about or done wrong, cuz I know how hard Tammy is to live with and to be around. The poor kid must’ve felt like we were totally ganging up on her and I reminded her that that’s not our intention at all. We just want to help.

I told Lisa that I didn’t mean to put her on the spot and that Tammy could tell me if it wasn’t an appropriate question, but that I wanted Lisa to think about it and be honest if she was gonna answer. I asked if she’d prefer to live there or here. Tammy said she didn’t mind my asking that. Lisa’s answer was both, cuz it’d be weird not living with her mom. That’s understandable after living with her for 15 years.

Tammy says that if she compliments Lisa for doing well, Lisa goes and does the opposite. This is the most baffling thing she told me. I don’t quite get that one. She asked Lisa while we were all talking. Lisa said she didn’t know. Then Tammy bitched that Lisa always says she doesn’t know.

Tammy bitched about Lisa getting suspended twice from school, having knives and cigarette butts all over her room, siding with Bill, talking bad about her to Mark, not doing chores, and so much more. She says Lisa’s acting like a whore, hanging on boys all the time, lying through her teeth, scaring her sisters, etc. Tammy’s not just upset about Lisa’s calling Larry because of how he’ll dump her, but because of how he called the state. And besides, I thought his cold treatment of her had already begun from what she’s told me.

What do I think? God, I just don’t know. I believe Lisa is rebellious in a lot of ways, but I wonder if it’s as bad as Tammy says it is and I wonder if Lisa would be the same way out here with us if she is as Tammy says she is. Lisa may have lied here and there, but Tammy’s notorious for lying, too. She’ll even admit that. I can never know the whole truth from this distance.

Normally I would say that if you can’t cut it in one state, you can’t cut it in another, but I don’t know about that anymore after my own personal experience. I had nothing but setbacks and hardships back east. Here, I’ve had my bad days as anyone else would, and I may have no kids or a career, but I haven’t been depressed in ages and I’ve had one success after another, and I don’t know if that’s pure coincidence. I doubt it.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1998

I talked to Tom about my discussion with Tammy and Lisa and was very happy to hear that taking in Lisa if it came down to that, would be no problem.

I asked him if he felt that Lisa was a typical teenager and if a parent could hype things up for whatever reason, or if he thought Lisa may be worse off in any way as far as the behavior goes. He says he’d guess Lisa’s pretty typical, but that doesn’t mean Tammy’s not as frustrated as she is. Meaning, yes, Tammy’s put up with a lot. We also can’t thoroughly know just how things are from 3000 miles away.

Tom was surprised that you’re an adult at 16 there. You can drop out of school at that age, though and that was Tom’s biggest concern about Lisa. If she doesn’t finish school, she’s gonna really be lowering her options as to what she can do. She should really try to do well in school so she could maybe get some scholarship money if she wanted to go to college. Guess she’s gotta be the one to decide if she wants to drop out, stay in and do bad, stay in and do good.

Also, as Tom pointed out, Lisa’s a person and she’s gonna become an adult and do as she pleases whether or not we agree with her and we can’t always protect her. True. And constantly telling her not to call Larry may not have been a very cool idea, cuz as Tom said, sometimes telling a child not to do something more than once, can spark their curiosity all the more.

When I told him how Tammy gives her chores to help with Lisa’s self-esteem, Tom said that Lisa may not see it that way. She may see it as a punishment.

Yes, I know and understand the lack of self-esteem. Not just cuz of the shit Dureen put me through, but just God’s not allowing me to do the things I once wanted to do, makes me feel like he had no confidence in me and that sort of lowered my self-esteem. I’m very glad he sterilized me. It was the right thing to do to someone who could never handle a kid, but it’s still rubbing in the reality of my weakness and this lowers my self-esteem.

If Lisa came out here, I would want as little to do with Bill as legally possible and there’d be no way shape or form that that man could ever step foot in this house. Oh, and Tom says he feels that if Larry, Dureen or Art knew that Lisa lived with us, they wouldn’t give us any legal hassles. Well, that’d be up to them, but they’d never succeed with any spite tricks.

Tom feels that not only could I handle a kid of our own, but that due to Lisa’s age, I don’t have to worry about cooking for her. I can cook for her at times, just like I do for us, but other times, she may be just as content popping in a TV dinner just like he is. Also, she gets herself up for school and dressed and all that. She’s not an infant who needs diapers changed and who needs to be fed. True. Tom also reminded me that it’d be best not to treat her like a child, cuz as long as you treat someone like one, they’ll act it. I totally believe this is true. Dureen and Art always treated me like a child (and they still would even if I were 60) and it did seem to have a rather “childish” effect on me.

Tom also doesn’t feel that our schedules will matter.

Tom pointed out how if Lisa came out here, it’d be very hard for her to give up her friends and her familiar surroundings. I understand that. Totally. Cuz I sure as hell hated to do that, even though I hated living with Dureen and Art.

Tom feels that one of the biggest mistakes you can make with a person is to try to control them, and again, I thoroughly agree. Control freaks do no one any good. People need to be themselves. They need to have choices and that’s one of the things Dureen did to me that really made adulthood hard for me. Besides being so controlling, she’d never give me choices and ask me if I wanted to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt or what I wanted for lunch, etc. So as an adult, decision-making is very hard for me.

I asked Tom, well, what if she does come out here and make our lives hell. Tom said no one can make our lives as a couple hell. If she came out here and stole from stores, burned down houses, killed people - that’s her choice and her problem, as long as she didn’t kill us. And he advised me not to reflect my experiences on her. Yeah, I know. Just because something was rough on me, doesn’t mean it will be for her.

I tried again to get into that other word processor, that has an auto cap and correct thing, but I just couldn’t. It caps and corrects most words as you go along. Well, it caps after a period.

Haven’t seen White Paws in days, but I’m sure Tom will lure her to the door with food this long, door-slamming, ball-playing weekend. I still can’t believe the ball games haven’t started yet. What’s taking so long? It’s October already. But no one’s played yet. Not the Lopez’s kids, other neighborhood kids, or kids associated with the freeloaders themselves.

I still say leave it to God to make sure that I’m the one to get a pack of Mormons next to me, a pack of subsidized freeloaders, and a basketball hoop. Most houses don’t have hoops, but God just had to make sure that of all the houses that had a hoop, it had to be right next door to me. It just had to be!

I may not be the least bit surprised to have neighbors like the Mormons and like the freeloaders, although the Mormons were considerate of my peace in the end, but I am surprised there weren’t more turnovers. I really thought we’d go through 4-5 households before we left.

My allergies have been miserable. We went back to the AC since the cooler brings in pollen. It can’t filter it very well. The bulk of my allergy problems would end if I got rid of the animals, but sorry God, it’s not gonna happen. I’m not gonna give in, and if I must pay to have animals, fine.

I can already sense the negative vibes coming from Connecticut (not that I ever expected differently, and I’d sense any serious life changes coming up if God decided to make any) as far as Lisa’s concerned. My strong “no kids” vibe remains and like I said, taking Lisa in isn’t something God would go for any more than Bill would. Children are not a part of my life. Never have been. Never will be. Unless you want to count neighbor’s kids from back there and from here that have been a part of my life in the wrong kind of way, kids are not part of my life’s theme/destiny.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 1998

Tom and I slept together yesterday and the day before. He went to bed after I was asleep, but when he went to bed today, I was already up. He woke me up yesterday, but I was about ready to get up, anyhow.

The day before yesterday, I woke up a couple of hours too early. I thought a bang of some kind woke me up, but Tom said he didn’t hear anything and that if it was a bang, it may have been a car door across the street cuz he looked and there was nothing going on next door. I don’t know. The freeloader’s door slamming doesn’t wake me up. Maybe it was a dream. I ended up going back to sleep for a couple more hours, though, cuz of my allergies. I had to take a Benadryl which knocked me back out.

At 4:00 today, I could tell the weekend had arrived, cuz our first bass thumper went thumping by. I don’t know if that bitch next door’s gonna have company tonight or not.

You know, I kind of wish she had a car. Then maybe so many people wouldn’t be in and out of here on weekends. Maybe she’d go to them for a change, but I really think there are drugs involved, too, that are coming from her house.

I really like this author Ruby Jean Jensen. In a sense, she’s better than John Saul. The only thing I don’t like is the same thing all authors do, and that is that they spend too much time getting too descriptive. She tells things we don’t need to know in order to know the story.

I’ve got conflicting vibes and info as to when Ma will die. She’ll die when she dies and I know that, but the doctor’s saying something that doesn’t go with my vibes, yet that makes sense. The doctor puts her out of here sometime next summer. I see her going shortly after she turns 77. But the summer makes sense. God would just have to off her as he did with Dad while it was so fucking hot out! There’s nothing like going to a funeral when it’s scorching hot out.

Again I’m upset with Tom for not pulling his weight around here. I mean, yes, he does his best to keep things organized in the back room which I appreciate, and I know he doesn’t always have time, and I know he’s got a lot of aches and pains at his age, and I’m glad he finally started trimming the tree out front after I’ve been trying to get him to do so for weeks, but what’s pissing me off is that he’s getting agitated about my nagging at him to do the shit that’s supposed to be his responsibility in the first place. It’s his job to do the yard work, so what’s the problem?

Although my anger towards Bill is cooling down a bit (that doesn’t mean I don’t hate the guy’s guts and that I still don’t want to kill him) and Doe, Art, and Larry are becoming more and more a thing of the past, I often find myself depressed over things that never happened. What I mean is that I could be sitting here typing as I am now, then suddenly, out of the blue, comes a vision of someone shooting Tom and myself. No, these images aren’t premonitions, but they really bother me. They’re sad, they’re scary, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. Sometimes the disturbing images involve faceless, nameless people. Other times it’s Larry. It’s usually either a lot of people or just one person with a gun, and in utter sadness, helplessness, and terror, one of us watches the other slowly get killed off, and it’s so traumatizing to even think about! I try to push these thoughts out of my head as soon as they come.

Later…

I’m frying up chicken wings now. I haven’t done this in a long time. I’m glad I decided to live and let my weight take care of itself. My days of trying to fight the way my body is naturally, are over.

Later…

Blackie’s now finishing the leftover chicken.

The more I think about it, the more I’m glad Lisa won’t be coming out here. Don’t get me wrong, though, cuz I can’t wait for her to come out on either a visit or to live here after she’s out of school, but I don’t really want her living with us for the same reason I don’t want our own kid or another adult rooming with us here. If Lisa lived here and if I were up at 2:00 in the morning wanting to sing, I couldn’t do that with her here. I also couldn’t handle the cutting any more than my mother could. Just because someone’s gone through what someone else is going through, doesn’t mean they can deal with it.

I also know how much God prefers a child to live with an abusive person, so as sick and as senseless as God’s ways are, I have to trust that there is a reason for his creating parents like Tammy. And I have to trust that he knows what he’s doing with Lisa and that he’ll look out for her, even if he didn’t look out for my nephew. As Tom said, bad can be good, cuz it’ll teach her things and make her stronger.

There goes the second stereo of the night and the night is still young. Even when it’s not, they’ll still be banging by.

Great. Just great. I forgot that I’ve got another couple of hours or so before I can have any peace around here so I better keep the fan on. The fucking dogs don’t shut up nowadays till around 9:15, and it’s always the one with the higher-pitched bark. That one barks twice as much as the other one, especially at night.

Let me go see if Joebitch is having her little cronies over tonight.

Nope. Didn’t hear any door slamming, either. That’s OK, cuz she knows she has a whole 3 days to do the company scene.

When’s MLK Day? January or February? Anyway, what did this fucking Martin Luther King do? Get things so that the blacks could go to our schools, use our bathrooms, sit wherever they want on our buses, drink out of our water fountains, then loot the buildings that they didn’t burn down, beat the snot out of innocent people, then cry racism? Way to go Martin.

Later…

I spoke with Andy last night and you know, I’m really fed up with him. I start off by saying, “Don’t get your hopes up” (about Lisa), then he butts in and says, “You’re pregnant?” How many more times do I have to tell him I’m sterile and that there is no way I can conceive? Does he not know that the sterile don’t conceive? Does he know what sterile means? Does he listen to or care to remember a damn thing I say? Or is his memory that shitty? Does he have his mind on himself or on other things when I talk?

Then he said our talks are rare. But we talk once a week. That’s not rare. Although to him, I’m sure it is. If we spoke twice a day that’d be rare for him.

I asked him if he’s serious about going back east in May and he swears he still is dead serious and that he’s going. I hope so cuz nowadays I think he’d be a better long-distance friend. If I were still into the phone and bars, then no, but I’d rather do the bulk of our keeping in touch by mail.

Most importantly, I really hope to hell that he and David work out and that this is what he wants, needs, and has been looking for all these years.

I asked Andy if he was overeating and he stuttered but then denied overeating. I could hear the guilt in his voice, though. So that’s when I suggested he try this mineral pill to help curb his appetite. He said he couldn’t afford it. Then how can he afford to pig out? Is he swiping most of this food from work? See, I think what he’s doing is this - say he’s got the money for two weeks of food. He goes out and buys it, but he eats it in just one week.

Later…

What a surprise. I was in the bathroom waxing my braces when I casually glanced in the mirror and noticed my chin didn’t double up on me with my head lowered. When I’d put my head down, even just slightly, my chin would double over, but it didn’t. It does if I put my head all the way down. It’s in some people’s nature to have more of a sloped neck than others. I’d have to be skin and bones before I’d lose the droopy neck.

It seems I’ve lost about an inch in the thighs and hips, too, but my stomach and tits are a whole different story. I’m so bloated right now. I don’t know what the hell that spot was about that I had several days ago, but I just hope I get my period soon so I can get some of this soreness and bloat off of me. I’d still be pretty big. I mean, I’m naturally 115-118 pounds these days like it or not, unless I suffer by eating just one bite a day, which I refuse to do.

As I said, I’m still gonna walk, and I’m not gonna shove a million calories of pure junk into my mouth each day, but seeing Tom’s got himself cakes and pudding without any guilt or worry encourages me to live a little more. First I was worried about weight, then eating healthy, and so to give myself a break, I stole one of his cakes, although I’m not naturally a junk food junkie to begin with. I like healthy foods more than most do. However, I envy people like Mary who can eat and eat and not give a shit about if the food’s good for them or how fat they are. Don’t get me wrong. Mary’s not huge. She’s about Evie’s height at 5’ 3” and she’s only in the 150s and not the 170s, but Mary’s never had any kids, either. Just a couple of miscarriages. Anyway, I still envy women like that and guys. They don’t give a shit how they look. They just eat whatever they want, whenever they want to. I’m on my way, though. I’m not gonna eat at McDonald’s every day like Mary does, and I wouldn’t be OK with gaining 30 pounds, but so what if I gain 10 pounds? So what if I lose 10 pounds? Get it? I’m just gonna go with the flow within reason, is what I’m saying.

It looks like we’re back to having sex on the weekends again due to things that come up or cuz of our schedules. It’s easier for us that way, I think, and it suits me better now that my appetite’s been low. Actually, once a month would suit me. Or even once every few months. I just have no desire to cum with this guy. I don’t know why, but I’m not really worried about it now. I don’t know if it’ll bother me in the future or not, but the good thing about it is, is that I know it doesn’t bother Tom. He’s happy either way and he’ll always let me be myself. He’d also never complain about my not cumming cuz he wouldn’t want me doing that to him, but trust me, I won’t.

Quitting smoking may not have helped my nose, but at least it killed my baby desires and my constant horniness. Lucky surprise for me, huh?

Here goes the fourth car stereo.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 1998

I was outside hanging some heavy stuff out like jeans and towels that I won’t get till the morning when I thought to myself, you definitely wouldn’t hear what I’m hearing now at 10:00 on a Saturday night in October in New England. I could hear dogs and voices off in the distance. Something you just don’t hear at that time of night, weekend or not, in October back there. Yeah, Arizona’s a noisier state, but since it was off in the distance, it was OK.

I got up at 7:30 PM and Tom said he heard not one car door from next door. Yeah, she knew I’d be asleep somehow and not up to be bugged by that shit. He did go out for a while to Sears, though, to pick up a battery charger for the newest batteries they have these days and to get a mini tool kit. At around 8:30, we heard one car door that was probably from over there, and ever since then, there have been no cars over there, but the place is brightly lit. I’m sure she’ll be hitting the sack, though, anytime now.

Tom pointed out another thing about Lisa. I know she won’t be coming out here. Not while she’s still in high school, anyhow, but if she did, that’d be a big sign that things were really bad there for her to give up her friends and her familiar surroundings.

I had to have had at least 2500 calories yesterday but am still smaller.

After yesterday’s screw, I wiped off a big spot. The kind you have when you have a light flow. But ever since then, I haven’t had anything more. I’m sure it’ll pick up within the next few days, though.

Tom made me a macro that’ll cap a document from where I tell it to. So that way, I can cap at the end of a long document that I may add on to and I won’t have to cap the whole thing again.

Now how can this wonderful man who does such things for me, still be such a liar??? He’s still lying about sex. He still goes right along with me when I make comments about how he cums most of the time when the real truth is that he hasn’t since April, and the right thing for him to do would be to come out and correct me on this, but for some reason, he won’t. But why? Why’s he so determined to hide his not cumming? I’m trying to subtly drop hints that say, “I don’t care if you don’t cum. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. And besides, I don’t want a kid,” but he just doesn’t get it. I don’t know what the fuck’s going through his mind or why he feels he has to lie to me, but I’m still gonna keep my mouth shut. He obviously feels the need to do this, so if it makes him happy to think I think he cums, I won’t spill the beans on him just yet, although I’m sure he’ll insist he really was/is cumming all along when I do spill the beans. He’s not gonna admit he lied. He’ll make up a lame excuse for not correcting me when I make my comments about it. I know him.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 1998

Goodnight, bitch. Yeah, it just went to bed.

Why are the animals acting so weird? The mice haven’t gone over to the other cage that I added back on again, which is totally unlike them. They go everywhere.

I still haven’t seen White Paws and couldn’t get Blackie to come in and eat till just now. Twice I went out and he didn’t budge from where he was sitting which is totally out of character for him. If I were to go in and out every 5 minutes, so would he. That’s how he usually is, anyway. Right now he’s finishing off the chicken I cooked last night.

You can tell it’s cooling down out there, cuz he’s starting to use the recliner again.

Later…

I was just organizing my song file and giggled to myself over the song Without the Joy that I wrote in 1998. Now that I don’t want a child anymore, I guess I better write a song called With the Joy!

I finished another Ruby Jean Jensen book and this one was different than most of her books. It was the most realistic, too. It only had one supernatural monster that was only in the story briefly. A woman and her kids were running from an abusive husband/father that the woman thought she’d killed. So the guy found them and their driver who was driving them to houses within the Underground Railroad, killed him, then he came back as a monster that their dead dog returned to kill.

Her usual stories consist of haunted houses or haunted dolls. Something like that.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1998

This time of year, the after-dark weather’s great for cooling down after a walk on the treadmill. It’s chilly out now.

Just let the whiner in, and after watching a couple of movies that made me feel lazy, I did some walking.

I’m so fucking watery and bloated right now but still haven’t gotten more than a few bursts of spots. Not yet anyway. I hope quitting caffeine will spare me from the monthly sore tits so God can do something else instead. Seriously, though, I hope it helps. Not even the water pill’s helping with this water. I gotta be around 120 pounds and it’s a little harder to rock, so I’m gonna go hungry for the next couple of days by eating just a couple of bites. I had a TV dinner and some chicken wings, but that’s all I’m gonna have. No pop-tarts, popcorn, or soup in between. Yesterday was my Jack-n-the-Box day, so I had fries and a milkshake. Close to 1000 calories right there. Food’s so fattening. You gotta practically live on air, water, and salad in order to avoid so many calories, but that’s just so hard to do. I have no willpower these days. Like I said before, though, I can live knowing I’ll never be under 115 pounds again, but I don’t want to crack into the 120s again if I can help it. I like to rock comfortably.

You don’t know how good it is, though, to be able to get a period, even if it’s half-assed, and not feel all miserable about it like I used to.

I feel like I have a slight cold, but that’s probably only due to these never-ending, mother-fucking allergies I have day after day after day.

Tom wasn’t a liar yesterday. Oh, no siree! He came like a burst pipe. My period was starting (or trying to) so his subconscious, and maybe his conscious, too, felt safe about it. So, I guess every 6 months or so, when the time is right, even though he’s mostly sure I’m sterile, he’ll relax enough to let himself go.

As long as he’s happy.

Later…

Tom woke me up after I’d slept for a very long time. He said that ever since he heard of this athlete, whose husband tried to wake her up only to find she’d died in her sleep, he was worried and said it’d be very sad to have me die. How sweet of him to care and to worry. I know I would literally die if anything happened to Tom.

When I did get up, I had more of a period today and my tits are less sore, so I’m happy with that.

The dogs have been getting worse in the evenings. The bitch was fine, but the dogs are constantly barking as late as 9:00 or 11:00 nowadays, and tonight it was both of them. They used to shut up around 6:00 or 7:00, but not anymore. Well, I should only have about 8-9 months left of this shit, thank fucking God.

I gotta do some walking soon. Why is it that I do all this walking just to have my legs all mushy and filled with craters? Am I wasting my time here? Or does walking help me more than I realize? It doesn’t cause me to lose weight, but is it keeping my weight from going back up into the 120s, or is it cuz of how I’m eating, or something else? Would I have that many more craters if I didn’t walk? Would I have less stamina?

Got an email from Evie right before she was about to leave to have her gallbladder removed. The same surgery Mary had. Well, I hope she had an easier time than Mary did. Mary had a lot of pain, so we’ll see.

Got an email from Kim who’s had about as much surgery as I’ve had in my whole life in the last 6 years I’ve been out here. She’s having tissue removed from her intestines, but says it’ll only be a half-hour procedure.

Andy will be having himself some company. I think he said that from Wednesday to Thursday Marla, Evan, and the boys will be hitting his place. God! That’s such a tiny house for that many people! I hope they all have fun together, though, and the kids don’t drive Andy too crazy. In my reply message to him, I told him about the leak, about our new plans, and that I wouldn’t be up for company.

Tom fixed the cooler which had something wrong with a pipe somewhere. At least, I think that’s what he said. Well, I’m glad he fixed it and that it didn’t turn out to be a bigger deal than Tom thought/said it’d be.

Now I have what I guess is great news. Tom finally found the main leak in the back room. He said he never would’ve thought to look for it there, but it’s coming from where the old wall heater is. So, he says he’s gonna get the stuff, which will cost about $20, and patch it up this week. Well, I won’t miss that fucking leak!

I said I told Andy about our new plans. Well, our new plans are that instead of going to Vegas, we’re gonna go to the Indian reservation to gamble. Tom calculated and came up with $400 for us to blow on whatever with. He said that if we went by plane, we’d only have about $60 to gamble with after we took out the money for the plane tickets, the hotel, and the food. We could drive, but I don’t want to deal with a 6-7-hour car ride. Besides, we just did a long car trip in April. Tom said flying to Vegas or Laughlin or driving to one of these places, would be fine with him, and so would going to the Indian reservation. I chose the Indian reservation because here’s what we’re going to do - he’s gonna gamble $200. I’m gonna gamble $100 and spend the other $100 on Patrice! I didn’t realize I’d get such a jump-start on my doll collecting! So, in just a couple of months, in December, I’ll get Summer Dream.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1998

The dogs shut up at just after 10:30, thankfully, but if they’ve returned to barking well after dark, are they gonna go back to the all-night barking and be barking at 2:00 in the morning? God, don’t ruin the nighttime peace, please! Despite dogs and stereos, it’s been really peaceful around here overall for a good half a year now. That’s a moving sign, in a sense. Whenever I move, it seems it’s after I’ve gotten the neighbors to shut up. Except for the NHA and Bell Rd., although if I had stayed there, I’d have taken care of those kids next door somehow just like I did with the freeloaders. I’m not saying there won’t be an occasional outburst from the freeloaders, though.

Those freeloaders surprised me by acting out on Easter and being gone on Labor Day, so who knows if old Thanksgiving and Christmas patterns will hold? So far, I’ve never heard them on Thanksgiving or New Year. They go away on Christmas, but that was when he’d be in the picture, so will she herself go away? Her mother’s dead, so she isn’t out of state, although we do know she knows people out of state. I don’t know how I know the mother’s dead. I just do. I’ve never seen a mother figure visiting, and I just vibe it.

It’s still a bummer to know that this sick bitch next door can sleep through these dogs barking just a few feet away from her window. But the big question is - how??? How can she, how can anyone sleep with that shit just a few feet away? Are she and her boy toy and all their friends very hard of hearing?

I questioned saying that we had $400 spare dollars that we were gonna gamble with and get Patrice with (on Andy’s machine) knowing he’d be thinking, I could use that money for food and cigarettes, although my pot’s free thanks to Laura’s dealer boyfriend. However, other people’s lives have to go on, and he’s 36 years old. Plenty old enough to fend for himself. It’s up to him to do what he can to stop eating so much, make his food last, make more money, and get out of debt. I know everyone’s different, but I don’t understand why he won’t quit the pot. He’s quit several times for a few months, so if he can go for a few months, can’t he quit? Then all he’d have to worry about having to quit would be the smokes. But that pot’s gonna cost him at some point again, so why doesn’t he take that pot money and buy food with it?

Later…

Yeah, the dogs have gone back to their middle-of-the-night barking. I just went out to cool off after walking and one of them just went off on me. Maybe it wasn’t cuz of me, though, cuz I was out at 12:30 dumping shit into the recycle bin which was a hell of a lot louder than my footsteps just now, and they didn’t bark. As I said, this is my last handful of months here, so I won’t take any legal action against these fucking assholes. I just wish, though, that both households were woken up by them and that they’re pissed! But that’s just a fantasy. They slept right through it. If you can sleep through barking dogs that are that loud and just a few feet away, you can sleep through anything. So these dogs were always outside 24/7 just as I thought they were, and it was just an unusually quiet year for these dogs. These are specially trained attack dogs, that’ll go off on anything they hear, but not quite. I just went out and scraped my feet and stomped a few times, knowing their keen ears could hear it just fine, and they didn’t go off. Maybe they’re only instructed to pitch a fit if they hear something in the alley or close to their house.

Later…

I was rather disturbed earlier with a memory of being woke up to the sounds of my father beating the shit out of my sister. I remember crying and then Dureen came into the room.

Thank you for the wonderful memories, Dureen and Art.

After I pushed this memory aside, which sometimes takes a while to do when I get one of these shitty memories, I laughed to myself over the fact that Dureen spent all those years being guilty over the wrong thing. It’s not the ear she should’ve felt guilty about for so long, it’s the abuse she should’ve felt guilty about. To each their own I know, but if it were me that did what she did to a child, I think I’d want to kill myself for it. Even if I did that to other adults, I’d feel bad. I’d want to seek some serious help.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1998

I just called Tammy who said she didn’t talk to Bill or a lawyer, but that Lisa’s the same, and she’s not coming out here. I was hoping she’d say just what I vibed she’d say. She agreed that maybe they all, or the girls could come out for a visit someday, but I think we both feel the same about Lisa and that’s that she needs to stay there, as miserable as it can be, graduate, then go wherever she wants.

She said it wasn’t a good time to chat, so I’ll call her back some other time. I want to see if she prefers me to keep in touch by regular mail, or if she’s back on AOL, or what. I also want to find out what their names are now. As Tom said, kids often keep their father’s name for school purposes and friends, but Tammy’s probably O again.

I hope to catch Lisa alone sometimes too, so we can talk by ourselves.

Tom confirmed that I was right with my vibes. He had guessed we’d be moving in March, but true to my vibes, the stock market’s doing lousy, so that throws it closer to what I vibe is our moving month - June. He feels June would be great, and he told me of different really cool house designs he has in mind.

Within the next year, he wants to try to switch to a day job. It’s hard on him to change his schedule back to days on his days off and even his doctor said so. He feels he’d also be able to get more done if he were on days.

I’m going to have to reschedule my GYN appointment cuz November 2nd is too close to my period unless I’m a week late or early and that throws things off.

Last night I was depressed, angry, frustrated, and confused. Yeah, old shit came back to badger me again. No, I don’t mean child desires, but I misunderstood Tom, who cleared me up today, on something he said, and cuz of it, I felt like he was jerking me around.

I thought he had told me to mention my curiosity over my sterility when I saw the GYN, then later I thought he was telling me not to mention it till after I’d gotten my exam. Well, what he meant was that it didn’t matter if I mentioned it to the GYN that day or not, cuz I still have to go through my primary doctor after one appointment with a different doctor. So after I get the exam, I have to call Dr. Brown and have her refer me to someone for infertility testing.

The bottom line, according to Tom, is that he’ll take me through it and support me if I want to get tested, or if I don’t want to get tested. Also if I want to be fixed if I can be fixed, or if I don’t want to be fixed if I can be fixed. See, there’s a very good chance that I’ll want to be fixed if that’s possible, and Tom says not to worry about money. The reason why I’d want to be fixed, which I’ve probably said before, is so that I can have the rights that I should’ve been born with.

What a guy, though. He took me through the ear, the teeth, and I could never have done this alone. 99% of the wonderful things that have happened to me since I’ve known Tom would never have been possible without him. So, no matter how often I may bitch about God and his ways, I do know that I am blessed in many ways.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1998

Oh, what a nightmare! These fucking allergies!!! Is there no end to the constant sneezing fits?! Will I ever be able to go more than a few days without sneezing?! I woke up at 11 PM with allergies, took a Benadryl, and crashed till 2:00. Then after changing the rat's cage, vacuuming, dusting, and having 3 hours of sneezing, I took a couple more Benadryl. I've been sneezing since last night and have spent the bulk of the time in bed. I can only stay in bed for so long, though, so I decided I'd get up and live my life again, even if I sneeze through everything I do.

There was a city van parked in front of the freeloaders yesterday, but I couldn't make out what they were doing. They weren't there long. I saw a box on the ground by the open doors of the van, then a couple people came into view, put the box in the van, and then left.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1998

I think we're gonna go get Patrice this morning, instead of Tuesday. I called the store hoping they'd have a machine with their store hours and they did. At 10:00 I'll call to see if they still have her. I hope so!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18, 1998

They didn’t have Patrice anymore, but that’s OK, cuz Patrice and Summer Dream are on their way here from that Ashton Drake catalog!! Yeah, I decided I’d take all the gambling money and spend it on dolls. Tom’s gonna gamble with half of his $200 at the casino, then the other half at the racetrack. Anyway, the dolls should get here in 6-8 weeks or sooner. Tom thinks they’ll get here in about two weeks. Well, I should hope so, cuz what’s the big deal? He called in the order and gave a credit card number, so why should it take so long to take the money, pack the dolls, then ship them? He said the lady said they were available. Thank God, too, cuz we tried to order them online from their website, but they weren’t there.

So, I guess I’ll be getting Katherine Rose with my birthday and Christmas money, but maybe not. There’s this really cute doll in a bright yellow dress with pigtails and smiling while holding a lollipop. I might get this, cuz I’m out for variety, too. It’d be my first smiling doll and my first one with pigtails. The more I think of this one, the more I’m interested in her and not Katherine Rose.

I caught the last 45 minutes of a 3-hour doll show on TV. They only featured about 20 dolls throughout the 3 hours, along with a few other things, but I was surprised at how cheap some of them were. Some were all-porcelain and some were part-porcelain. There also were some 30” dolls for over $200, but they had a lot of dolls around the sizes that I’ve got and that Ashton Drake’s got for between $25-$100. Most of the dolls were pitiful, though, or plain old boring. There were two dolls that maybe I’d like.

It is really, really chilly out there now! Pretty soon, we’ll be needing the heat.

My lungs were tight yesterday, so Tom whacked my back to relax the muscles. I swear, if it isn’t the lungs, it’s the nose, and vice versa. Which will it be today? Tightness in the lungs? Or a sneezy, clogged-up nose?

Robert just sent Tina in Maine a 4-page wacky letter. Yeah, Tina from Maine sent Robert a letter addressed to someone else. All Tina really had to say was that she was in North Carolina for a little while, just moved back to Maine, and was sorry she had to have Wayne contact him, her stepdad Kamilo hates her, she dyed her hair red and now it’s dyed black.

Doesn’t that last part sound familiar (I’ve had my hair dyed both those colors)?

Anyway, from what she said, she never really met or knew Robert C. I take it someone told her about him for the sake of a pen pal maybe. I don’t know. The letter was very brief, and this Tina was definitely young. Like 15-25, but probably closer to a high school girl.

This weekend’s been peaceful so far, but I don’t know about next weekend. Halloween’s on a Saturday night, and if that bitch has people come over with their kids to go trick or treating like she did last year, who knows how late they’ll stay and how loud they’ll be, but hopefully it’ll be too dark for a good ball game and too chilly to hang out much longer than needed for collecting a good amount of candy.

This is the longest time that’s passed without seeing White Paws. I hope Tom’s joking like I think he is when he says I killed her, cuz I didn’t. I tried but couldn’t. She was too quick for me. I think she went off and had babies somewhere, but Tom insists she wasn’t pregnant. Then what drove Mama Cat and finally this cat away? I’m surprised both these cats don’t pop in daily anyway, to see if there’s food around, but I can’t complain. I don’t miss them.

Andy left me 3 fucking full 3-minute messages about his visit with Marla, Evan, and the boys. Sounds like Marla and Evan were a bore and the kids drove him crazy. Still, he went on and on and on about the same damn things, and sometimes I really question my friendship with him and wonder if he really gives a shit about me. I mean, he’s never been so into himself. Well, yes, he has, actually, but it’s in a different way than in Springfield. Before, he didn’t give a shit if you were suffering mentally or physically. Now, it’s talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!! It never shuts up and it never lets you get a word in edgewise. It goes on and on about itself only and hardly ever asks about others, and forget about asking him to do you the simplest little favor. I feel like I’ve outgrown Andy.

Later…

It’s not even 6:00 in the fucking morning and the dog with the low pitch bark is going off. Wake up your masters and that bitch that’s just a few feet away from you, please!! Piss them the fuck off!

Tom just got up and I just walked for 15 minutes.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1998

If rats are supposed to be so smart, why is mine acting so stupid? Every 4 or 5 times I have him out, he pees. From around 2 AM-7 AM, he’s really active and wanting to come out.

We screwed yesterday, but he had a hard time keeping hard. He stayed in there, though, till he got sick of it. It should be 2-6 months before he gets off again. At the wrong time, too. Even though all the evidence points to me being sterile, he’s not gonna take any chances. Not with his own fears and not with knowing I don’t want a child. Well, he seems happy and that’s what counts. If he’s not, he sure does a great job of not complaining about it.

Can’t wait for my dolls to get here! Still have quite a wait, though.

I took off the gorgeous dress that Pansy Bear wears, that collector’s teddy bear that Doe sent, and washed it. I made some changes with her too, that I personally think look better. I left her hat on, but I took off the umbrella that she was holding. It was too much and it shaded her face and her pearl earring (the other ear is covered by the hat). I also detached her from the lamb that was on a leash. I left her pantaloons on but took off the slip she had on with that rough net-like material that’s used to puff skirts out. This dress has a full enough skirt of its own.

I thought of a really cool gift idea for Tammy and the girls for Chanukah. I want to do iron-on T-shirts for them. Not of Gloria and Norah, of course, but family pictures. It goes without saying that that excludes pictures of Doe, Art, and Larry. But pictures of them and us would be really cool, I think. Tammy said to get extra-large shirts for her, Lisa, and Becky, and a medium for Sarah.

I’m gonna start a batch of letters for the girls.

Tammy said she is gonna keep the name G for the girls. She and Mark are doing some remodeling in her place. She ditched AOL for a while cuz she has too much going on.

I added my journals and the family pictures to my Gloria and Norah screensaver, but there’s a problem that Tom will have to investigate, cuz only the journals (along with Gloria and Norah pics) show up. Anyway, I love seeing my journals flying across the screen. Something I never thought I’d see!

Our lovely freeloaders behaved this weekend, but I still can’t believe no one’s played ball over there yet! Anyway, a white car was at the house at 9:30, then Tom saw a white car pull into the driveway shortly after, then back right back out onto the street. He said he could see two people in the car. They only sat there a minute, though, before taking off. At 1:15 she and her sister in the white car came in. I saw the sister take a stroller from the trunk, then the bitch got out with a basket of some kind that she roughly set down on the ground. All pissed off, as usual, I guess. Then she took something out of the backseat, picked up the basket, and disappeared from view.

Tom is sure that we’ll move first and that it won’t even be close, cuz these programs, like the one she’s in, takes years. Well, I sure hope so, and yes, I do vibe us going first. Especially once I realized that there weren’t gonna be so many turnovers as I originally thought there were gonna be. It was pretty much when the bitch took her tizzy fit on my doorstep in September of ‘97 that I realized she was it while we were still here.

I’m still 115 pounds and after comparing how long it took me to drop from 124 to around 120 and from 120 to around where I am now, I can see a pattern. I’ve been weighing 115 for way longer than I hung at 124 or 122 or 119, etc. In other words, 115 is as low as I can go in this day and age without nearly starving, being a 33-year-old non-smoker. So now that my job of losing weight is done, my job now is to maintain my weight, which takes an incredible amount of work, but not like it would for me to lose anymore.

Later…

Andy told me that Judy’s selling the cottage and getting a 5-bedroom, 2-story cottage on Hawk’s Nest beach. Andy’s really bummed about this too, saying that the very year he comes here, they buy back their cottage and now it’s up for sale the year he moves back. Or the year he says he’s moving back, cuz I still won’t believe it till and if I see it.

Sleep time last night was a real pisser. First Dureen, Art, and Larry spend years fucking with me in real life, and now they’re doing it in my fucking dreams!

Thanks for the wonderful dreams on top of the wonderful memories, Doe, Art, and Lar. Thanks a lot!

All I remember about the dream was being in the same house Tammy was in but in the next room. I heard her suddenly start yelling, so somehow, I knew that that meant Doe, Art, and Larry were there. Then in the doorway of the room I was in, came Larry with Art behind him. I told him to get the fuck out or I’d kick his ass without caring how big he was. He turned and walked away without a word. Then I woke up as I was contemplating going after him and beating the shit out of him anyway.

Later…

It’s warming up out there now and as usual, the dogs are going off. The further away from the ocean you are, the more of a temperature swing you can have between nights and days. The days are nice, but the nights are quite chilly. In the early morning yesterday, we ran the heat for a few minutes, but by the afternoon, we needed to cool it down in here.

There are so many birds out there (I’ve been giving them old bread) but I haven’t seen Measles in a while. I still should stop feeding these birds altogether. They make too much of a mess.

Tom crashed at 6:30 and at 9:30 I’ll be getting him up to go mow our daughter’s yard. Then he’ll come home and have plenty of time to sleep till he goes in to work at 1:30.

Later…

This cat is sooooo weird. He meows even while he eats! It does sound funny, though.

Tom’s up now, eating hot dogs and watching TV. He began watching TV with cordless headphones which we both like better. When I talk, he can hear me and the TV. And I can concentrate on reading, writing, and stuff like that, and hear what the bitch is up to if anything these days.

I hope to be up on Halloween night so that if there is a ruckus next door, I won’t have to worry about it waking me up and causing me to kill them. This will also be our first Halloween without the screen door that hooks (knocking on the inner door’s way louder than when someone would knock on the screen door we used to have that you could hook) so all the more I hope to be up that night, cuz as dark as we’ll have the place, I know some stupid idiots will still knock on our door.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1998

Boy, this rat sure loves to come out! When I first got him, I’d have to chase him and pick him up by the tail in order to take him out. Now, he climbs on top of his nest and allows me to pick him up by his body.

He doesn’t really care to play with Velvet anymore like he used to, but Velvet’s always glad to see him when I occasionally plop him into his cage for a visit.

I just realized that I haven’t seen the trailer next door in ages. When I say “next door” I mean across the street at the old man’s place. Maybe they had a hard time sleeping here.

Tom says he’s gonna stop over at Mary’s after work to see what Mom has to say about the Realtor that she and Mary were supposed to meet with yesterday. I just wish she’d hurry up and sell the fucking place. We don’t need two houses or the added responsibility. We have enough shit of our own to do, although she was paying us $300 a month to take care of it. I still don’t vibe the house selling till February, though, and that doesn’t mean that it won’t go to Jackie and Jim, but I don’t vibe that quite as much. She even once mentioned giving it to Jackie’s lazy, spoiled, user sister Pam and her spoiled brat kid Jennifer. Watch, though. Whenever this house sells, whoever it sells to, they’ll just try to sucker Tom into doing something else for them. People seem to be obsessed with Tom doing stuff for them. They don’t care that he has a life. Or wants to have one.

Tom said that at 11:45 last night, Caddy Kid boomed by and that he’s never known him to boom by that late. Neither have I. It couldn’t have been too loud since it didn’t wake me up and since I didn’t have the music on for its beats. The stereo problem around here comes and goes. You can go a couple of weeks without hearing any, then they bang by 5 times a day, and back and forth.

The sales calls are the same, too. Sometimes we get 8 a day, sometimes 1-2, but yesterday there was not one of them. Isn’t that totally shocking?!

Can’t wait for my dolls!! Wish they could come today, but no way. Got another week or two. Maybe more.

Just finished another Ruby Jean Jensen book and I’ve got 4 more left. Then, I think I’ll have read all she ever wrote. She seems to have done most of her writing between 1984-1988. She is the best writer I’ve ever known, although there are a few others I like too. I’ll have to check out her website. I couldn’t even stand to read John Saul’s worst books, but I could get through Ruby’s worst books, but even her worst books, in my opinion, were still pretty good. As I said, the only thing I don’t like even though all authors do it is they get too descriptive. I don’t care if the people in her stories have red couches or blue ones. Her last book really feeds on my fantasies, though. As anyone does, I still have my fantasies in my mind that are fun to turn to when I’m falling asleep, bored, or whatever. This last book took place at a traveling carnival, and that’s a nice fantasy - meeting this gorgeous woman to travel within the carnie while we work at a concession stand or a merry-go-round. This traveling life would never appeal to me in real life, but in never-never land, it’s kind of fun.

I love reading. It’s like visiting a whole different world with a whole different set of stories and people each time I visit, and I can leave that world whenever I want to and visit it at my own convenience.

Later…

It’s pretty warm out there right now. Tom’s out there patching up the last of the leak. I hope. It’s kind of stinky. The cooler’s bringing in the smell of the shit.

As for our daughter’s house - it’s to be listed at $39,000 tomorrow. That’s dirt fucking cheap! You couldn’t find a house priced nearly that low back east if you tried. It’s not up to code and no one can take a loan out on it. They have to pay cash for it. No wonder I vibe February for it selling. I don’t see how it’ll be so easy to sell even at that price. A scummy Mexican family with 9 kids couldn’t afford it, but a person with the cash probably wouldn’t want to live in that area. So, maybe a person with cash will buy it to rent, or maybe they’ll tear the house down and build a new one. That’s what should be done. It’s a tiny, run-down shack that really should be demolished and rebuilt bigger, and more modern.

Once Tom comes down from the roof, we’re gonna go online to see if they’ve taken any money for the dolls yet.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1998

I’m waiting for it to hurry up and rain so we can do the big test and see how much it leaks in here. I can smell the rain in the air, but as usual, the sun’s poking through the clouds. Yeah, that’s Arizona for you. It’s never usually all cloudy, but clouds mixed with sun. The clouds are mostly towards the northwest and the sun is towards the southeast. Wish it would rain from 5 PM-9 PM on Halloween, but fat chance! At least I strongly vibe that this will be our last Halloween here.

Yesterday I called our neighbor behind us (Gloria) but her husband answered. I told him we’d more than likely be moving this summer and that I had some things she could have free of charge. He told me to call back after November 15th saying that Gloria’s working at the state fair till then and isn’t getting home till 10:00 - 11:00 at night. According to Tom, though, the state fair doesn’t start for a few more days yet. Now, why couldn’t the fucking liar just tell me they weren’t interested? I’ll just throw the stuff in the recycle bin. To me, that’d be a lot like if I brought the stuff to Goodwill. It won’t be entirely wasted and thrown away. It’ll be used again, if not in quite the same way someone who bought them from Goodwill would use them.

It looks like it’s getting sunnier out there, so maybe the rain will miss us. Tom said it always rains during the fair, so maybe we will get some soon.

Being “normal” last night was a bust. He went to bed at 4 PM, then I came in at 7:00. By 9:30 I had to kick him out. He just wouldn’t stay still and kept waking me up just when I’d conk out. So I had to move him to the couch and take a Benadryl.

He said he wants the sex today that we would’ve normally had on Monday. But why? How can he be in the mood any more than I am these days? Although my reasons are different. I’m just not in the mood. Period. But him? He just came, and it’s too close to mid-cycle for him to really feel comfortable about sex enough to enjoy it and cum. So why bother? I hate to see him do things he doesn’t really want to do, but again, maybe it is deep in his subconscious and he doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on. Sometimes someone else can understand you better than you can. They can see things about someone that they themselves can’t see.

Later…

Just did my daily 15-minute walk. Sometimes I do more, but I try to make sure I always do at least 15 minutes of walking.

Today my stomach feels like it’s the flattest it’s been in a while. I probably woke up as low as 112 pounds, so I probably won’t shit today so my body can balance things out and not end up weighing below 112 pounds where it doesn’t feel comfortable.

I hate having to wear a bra at all times, though. My tits are still bigger, so even when they’re not sore, I still have to wear bras, or else they bounce around and that’s not comfy.

God, this fucking annoying cat! Even Tom agrees he’s the weirdest cat he’s ever known and that he meows more than any other cat he’s ever known. He just goes on and on and doesn’t shut up! It’s like Andy on the phone. I left him a message on Monday but haven’t heard from him since. What’s he doing? Waiting for the weekend?

The sun’s coming in and out, but still no rain.

Got 3 dead friends on my wallpaper now - Bunny, Spunky, and Teddy Bear. As Tom pointed out yesterday, it’s so weird how T-Bear got along with Bunny and Spunky, but not Gizzy. And I think it’s also weird that Bunny got along with Piggy and Spunky, but not Velvet.

Later…

Just had my shiny friend in. I call him my shiny friend at times cuz of how his black coat shines.

Ratsy wanted to come out and nestle with me too, just now. He’s been keeping weird hours lately. He’s usually pretty nocturnal, but he’s been staying up later these last few days. Or getting up around this time for a while.

With all the birds that are out there, I haven’t seen Measles in days. I don’t know what this means. Maybe she’s sitting on eggs now, but I think this is the wrong time of year for that.

Still no White Paws either, and that’s gotta mean that she, as well as her mother, is dead. Why else would they stay away for this long? I hope Blackie’s not next to disappear, although I sure don’t miss the other cats.

Tom told me when he got in (I’m to wake him up at 8:00 so we can have cumless fun) that the reason he kept shifting in bed last night was due to stomach cramps.

I made the freeloaders a table of contents. This that I’m about to write obviously won’t be enclosed with the freeloader’s journal excerpts, but anyway, the table of contents (door-slamming, music, dog, bitch’s fit on our doorstep, city complaints) and other BS that I added in like bogus things I saw, heard and did, like the house hopping incident and her chasing him with the weed whacker, is to further ensure that they read my writings. I want them to be interested enough to read just what I have to say about them (that’s both true and bullshit, of course) and it’ll also lower the chances of them dragging the cops into the picture. The cops can’t do shit about what I wrote. Period. A person can write all they want. But because I’d periodically write about all the vandalism we’d supposedly receive from them, it should lower the chances of them showing this shit to the cops, cuz I’d still prefer that they read it and not the cops, so this table of contents should grab their curiosity all the more. It isn’t just vandalism I accuse them of, but it’s also drug-related stuff and violence and things most people wouldn’t want the cops to hear about even if it were bullshit. I can picture the bitch and her cronies laughing over something like the weed whacker chase and therefore, being all the more willing to read about it. And they’ll have to find it themselves. The table of contents only includes subjects. Not page numbers or dates.

I prayed to God that they don’t go before we do and that they read what I give them.

Got some wind to add to these clouds, but still no rain.

Later…

Now here’s a day to be thankful that we don’t live about 5 houses towards the north. Maybe even more, since it’s a bit breezy out and the breeze is blowing south. That’s probably why I could hear what I heard unless it’s a new edition to the neighborhood. There’s this dog going off somewhere with the most obnoxious bark I ever heard. It reminds me of that dog with the high-pitched, screechy bark that the trailer people had. It’s worse than the freeloader’s old dog, and in a way, even worse than the guard dogs. The guard dogs seem to take most of their fits in the early morning and early evening hours. I’m surprised they didn’t pitch a fit when Tom was patching up the roof.

I wonder if the freeloaders will go back to their old shit when we move. Will the cock come back and go banging in and out 6 times a day?

It’s still cloudy out, but even so, it’s nice out there.

Later…

Finally! It’s raining. No leaks yet. It looks like he did it! He fixed it! I’m so proud of him and happy he fixed this shit once and for all.

Got a card in the mail from Evie who lost 10 more pounds, cut her hair really short, said Parker’s Baptism was wonderful, and thanked me for prayers I never made.

Also, if it’s so much easier to care for her hair now when it was only to the shoulders before and is so straight and thin, how would she cope with this thick, long curly hair that I’ve got that’s just an inch or so away from the thighs?

Tammy was in a foul mood when I called there. The usual, she said. Lisa’s lying and doing the opposite of what she’s told to do. She caught her smoking downstairs again when she wants her smoking outside of the house.

Another thing I won’t include in the freeloaders’ write-ups is how I just put old pictures in the manila envelope that their stuff’s in. There are a few old baby pictures of Tammy’s kids that are blurry, some of Bob, and one of Mark standing in uniform by his cruiser. Mark W, Kim’s ex. They should be pretty baffled about them.

Later…

Now that’s weird. Why would that bitch be leaving with Bill now? I didn’t look long enough to see who the fuck it was for sure, but someone was on the passenger side. If it was her, why would Bill sit the mistake all day, then take the bitch off somewhere when she got home? And how did she get home? By Bill or the cock? I didn’t see. I just know I heard a series of door slams that were really starting to irk me.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1998

Yeah, it was the bitch that left with Bill. He took her grocery shopping. They returned at 6:00.

No, the stage isn’t being set for anything. My schedule jumped 5 hours. I was up a long time last night and didn’t get up till 12:30 today, rather than 7:00 like I did yesterday. I figured as much, though. What I’m doing right now, and what I’ve basically been doing since marrying Tom is my peak destiny and what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life, and no, that’s not a complaint. Far from it!

I may be just under 115 pounds, but I’m not gonna bother to weigh myself without feeling a major difference. I just feel a slight difference. I still walk for at least 15 minutes every day. Sometimes I do more.

Yesterday, Tom got me a list of Ruby Jean Jensen’s books at her site that I couldn’t get into. Unfortunately, most of her earliest books that she wrote in the 70s are out of print so I may never get to read those books that I know are great. I just finished one of her books last night and am about to begin another. The one I just finished was good but different for her. There was nothing supernatural in it. It was about a guy who killed his wife that he leaves in this secluded cabin in the woods. Meanwhile, he steals 4 boys and a girl that he abuses. He kills 3 boys. The remaining boy and the girl escape him.

I changed Ratsy’s cage earlier and on Monday I’ll do the mice.

Got a wonderful message that Mary left from work. She said they got an offer on the house for $35,000 cash and she just wanted his opinion, but since they had to close this deal today, they were probably gonna go for it.

That was fast! I love it when my vibes are wrong for the better. Does that mean this is it? That house is out of our hands? In the past? We’ll never step foot in it again? What about Tom’s old car? Did he have that towed yet? If the house is now out of hands, no Mary, no Marge, Tom’s mine. You cannot have him for other jobs. He has his own life and responsibilities.

I wonder how Lisa’s doing. I haven’t talked to her since Tammy and I talked to her. I still worry about her associating with Larry. I wish to hell Larry would change his number for Lisa’s sake, but I can’t make either of them do anything.

Sex last night was typical mid-cycle sex. He couldn’t really get into it. Too scared. His excuse was “bad rhythm.” That’s a lame one. Can’t he do better than that? I still wish he just wouldn’t bother. Can’t he come out and admit his fears, as he’s admitted there’s a 5% chance in his mind I’m OK, and just not touch me then? Or can’t he just say he’s too tired or just not in the mood? You know, if I was told we couldn’t have sex for years, I wouldn’t miss it! Thank fucking God I don’t feel as bored with him as far as the non-sexual side of the relationship goes, as I do with the sexual side of it!

Tina in Maine should get her letter today. My nieces should get theirs tomorrow.

Later…

One of the family pictures came down as a screensaver. Before, Tom and I could only get journals and Norah and Gloria pictures to show up. I tried to get another family pic to show up but couldn’t. Tom said he’d look into it, but of course, that could be quite a while from now.

It’s gorgeous out there now. Blackie’s doing his thing out there, of course. He’s just sitting there or walking across the yard, and all the while he’s meowing his head off. I thought cats had to have a reason to meow, but not this one. He meows when he eats, when he’s just sitting there by himself; all the time.

Later…

Some great, responsible parents we have today. There are 3 kids batting a can out in the middle of the street and it’s nearly pitch dark out there. What kind of parent lets their kids play out in the middle of the street in the dark? I don’t know if these kids were associated with the Lopezs or what, but they sure are fucking weird!

Later…

The kids weren’t out there long. I can go back to reading my book of Ruby’s in peace, which as usual, is great even though I’m only on the 8th page.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1998

It’s dark now. Are the kids gonna come out to play in the street?

I got a good look at Caddy Kid today who Tom said was white. Weren’t no white boy in that car. Just a couple of freeloaders. Obvious drug dealers too, driving a nice car like that at such a young age.

I hope my ominous feeling pertaining to next door and this weekend is wrong. Yes, the cock’s been happily out of the picture, and things have been quiet with the exception of door slamming, but something tells me it’s time for them to stir things up a bit. I just feel a bit of a ruckus over there coming on, but what kind and for how long, beats me.

Ma’s house was bought by a company that plans to tear down the old, sagging barn and fix up the house to either sell or rent. She’s giving each of her 5 kids $5,000. There may be a little bit of extra after she pays the realtor his fees so that we can have too, which should be an additional $1,500.

Well, this is nice of her, but we’re not gonna take a little chunk of it to have fun with. We’re gonna save it all to move with. I just hope the stock improves so we can get out of here this summer! Better yet, why doesn’t God kill Mom, who’s just hogging up time and space, and that’ll really get us out of here!

Speaking of time, I’m so glad that fucking house is gone!!! Now all Tom has to do is have his old car towed away. Hopefully, we can have more time to do our own shit now.

Watched a couple of movies I decided to tape. Yeah, I still tape movies every once in a while, but Jesus fucking Christ! Can there ever be a movie where no one’s pregnant? Not only was one of the major cast members pregnant, they even had to show a gross and rather scary clip of a childbirth video she was watching. It’s sickeningly old! The 80s had nothing but drug-related shit on TV and with the 90s it’s the pregnancy. What will the next decade bring? First it bothered me cuz it was a constant reminder of what I couldn’t have that I once wanted, and now it bothers me cuz I’m sick of it. I can understand Doe and Art’s frustration over repetition, but the difference is I don’t try to control these pregnancy fanatics. I just ignore them. Really, though, I wish they’d come up with something new for a change. This is why I don’t watch much TV. Same old, same old.

I did go out and weigh myself this morning, after all. I’m down to 112 pounds. Although, when I stepped on the scale again, it said 114. I asked Tom if he felt it’d just keep slowly going down as long as I walk and eat sensibly like I have been. He said yes, but of course, it’ll stop at some point. If it is really dropping some more, when will it stop? Certainly not at 100 pounds, right? Maybe 110? Well, wherever it stops is where it stops. As long as it doesn’t go up to the 120s again.

I contemplated sending Larry and his parents duplicate copies of my journal excerpts written around the time they pulled their shit on me. If I did, though, it wouldn’t be till after we moved. Maybe I’ll include them with the bitch just for the kicks of it and to express even more things to them that I feel would help me to put them further into the past, even if they don’t like one thing I have to say. On the other hand, is it worth it? Are they really worth it? Would they even read it? I don’t know. Well, we’ll just wait and see what happens.

As I may have said before, Ray, the oldest in Tom’s family, is his most stupid sibling from what Tom’s told me. Also, Nora’s never been right in the head, Ryan’s a retarded mental case on SSI, Jackie’s a user, and so is her sister Pam. Pam’s actually worse. She beats the shit out of her 5-year-old daughter Jennifer. That’s why Child Protective Services came and took her away.

Evie emailed me saying she heard that they wanted to keep Jennifer in the family and that I may be one of the ones called about taking her. I reminded her of my sterility and of my belief that if God felt children should be a part of my life, he’d have made sure my plumbing was in order, and that I believe Tom would’ve made a good father, but I wouldn’t even know what to do. I really believe that if God had faith in me as a mother and felt I could handle it; I’d have been a mom by now.

Evie had asked me about adoption or foster parents, and she said that Tom and I would make excellent parents. That’s nice of her, but I really think only one of us would’ve made an excellent parent.

I’m very glad to hear that Jennifer was removed from Pam as sad as the situation is, but again I question God. Why? Why even bother in the first place to let the Pams out there have kids to beat? Thank fucking God it was just one kid, though, if God just had to give Pam any at all, but please God, don’t let her have any more!!

When Tom got home, he told me no, they don’t want Jennifer with family. They want her to make a clean break from the family without people connected to Pam, with the hopes of her being young enough to cope with the abuse she got from Pam. I think it’s too late, though. I think she’s gonna grow up to be an aggressive, loser and abuser herself.

He also says that Pam, who’s always been crazy, is in a nut ward and he says she’s been pretty much put away for good and can never have Jennifer back. I disagree with that one. She’ll get out and she’ll get the kid back. They always do.

Later…

Just watched another movie. The pregnant one in this one had hers vacuumed out.

It’s the weekend now, so I can expect calls from Andy.

Evie’s 45 tomorrow. Damn, 45 with a two-year-old?! Guess it’s not so uncommon these days. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can hear that the weekend has arrived. There goes thumper number one.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1998

Tom made a pile of papers from our file box for me to scan and save, and to scan and trash. So I made a legal document folder on the computer that Tom will put on CD.

Did laundry, dishes, and the usual weekend stuff.

Got an email from Kim. She’s doing OK. Still with Walter. She forwarded me some blonde jokes, but they weren’t all that funny. Why are there so many blonde jokes? Is it cuz people really hate blondes? Or is it cuz people are jealous of them?

We had sex which was typical - cumless.

My schedule’s backing up again. A few days ago I got up at 12:30 PM, yesterday I got up at 10:00 AM, and today I got up at 8:00 AM.

I forgot to say that the city woke me up at 7:30 on Friday. I awoke to a huge truck with a thunderous idle that was parked on the corner here by the fire hydrant right in front of our house. They worked on the sewers all day, but like an idiot, I forgot to turn the music beats on. The amazing part of it was that I went back to sleep and didn’t get woken up again. Without Benadryl, either.

There was a ruckus around here alright (this morning), but it wasn’t next door. The people across the street had a tag sale. A big one. There were enough car door slams to make up for several weekends of that from the freeloader. It drew a few stereo bangers in, too. By just 11:00 AM I had heard 5 stereos bang by.

Tom says their sign said it was a moving sale, although there’s no for-sale sign up over there. I don’t know if I like the idea of these people moving. These people, by the way, are a couple with a couple of small boys, I believe. The guy bought a small TV from us when we had our tag sale and he seemed nice enough. Anyway, I hope they’re not moving, cuz it’s too close for comfort. Too close for potential trouble from new neighbors. The only time I had problems with these people was when I first moved in here. They had a black and white dog that yipped its ass off. The problem with this house is that they don’t have a block wall running around its back and sides like we do. They’ve got a chain-link fence which means if there was a dog over there, it could go right up to the front of the house at the side and bark out at the street all day and night like the one they had did (I’m surprised I haven’t heard more from these boys, though). So, if they leave and if new people come who are owners, there’s an 80% chance there’ll be a dog, and gone will be the peace from the living room. Especially at night. There are a couple of dogs somewhere across the street within a span of 8 houses or so, but they seldom bark and they don’t have loud or shrilly barks. And who knows how many kids there’ll be playing out front, since people out here usually use the front of their house for play and for sitting around gabbing and shit like that, and who knows what stereos they’ll have?

The people that have been there all along, though seem like the last family was - decent, friendly, and respectful of others. They don’t seem to be the selfish assholes we got next door.

Tom said they didn’t have anything really nice to sell. No dolls or anything like that. Mainly toys and furniture.

Later…

You could say that I’m not in a very good mood right now, that’s for sure!

Tom bought T-shirts so I could make up shirts for my nieces and Tammy with family pictures for Chanukah. He bought the iron-on sheets too, that claim to be better. They claim this kind’s better cuz you can peel them off when they cool so you don’t have to be rushed. The first one went on fine, but it was too easy. Just like with the CD-making. Sure enough, to make up for that easiness, I couldn’t get the rest on. Some wouldn’t go on at all and some would only partially go on. So, I’ll see if Tom wants to do it, but if not, we’ll just mail them a card.

Today has been horrendous as far as stereos go. It’s just been one after the other!

Tom saw the little clown next door sitting out front as if she was waiting for someone. Then an aqua-colored car (or some medium shade of blue) that I may or may not have seen before pulled in, then left.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1998

I was right about the freeloaders. Last night’s episode only lasted a couple of minutes, but there was a horn honk and about two kids and two adults yelling something I couldn’t quite make out.

Today it was a horn honk and the music from that aqua-colored car that’s usually a problem when it comes around, but fortunately, the damn thing doesn’t come around a lot. No white car this weekend. Instead, it’s just been the aqua one. The music was amazingly soft enough so that it couldn’t be heard in the back room over the air cleaner that’s back there, but it could be heard up front. I saw 3 freeloaders leave in this car, but don’t know who the hell it was. I thought I saw a 10-year-old boy that I thought I heard last night.

Anyway, it’s too soon to know if they’re going back to their old shit or if this is just one of their occasional outbursts just so they can say they rebelled against me and the city, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that there isn’t gonna be a third city letter. I’m not gonna send letters that are only good a few months at a time. My fists will take care of the problem permanently, and if they give me music regularly again, I’m not only gonna give them music of my own right back at night, but I’m gonna break every bone in their sick bodies. I’m not gonna even bother with a city letter or evictions. I’m just gonna put them in their place till we move.

Tom, who was as quick to defend them as he usually is, said there’s always music on Sunday mornings. No there isn’t. Not for months, there hasn’t been. Besides, if she really wanted to stay at that house, why would she kick the cock out, make sure he never parks in the driveway, have people lose the music, but just keep the Sunday morning music? If she really wanted to stay there, there wouldn’t be any music. Maybe she’ll rebel every few months like she just did, but not once a week. That’d be too risky, wouldn’t it?

Later…

Just took a shower, and while I was in there, the white car pulled in. I could hear the banging while in the shower and asked him about it when I got out. He said he saw some guy fiddling with the trunk. He said the trunk’s broken and so that’s what the slamming was all about this time. He couldn’t tell who the guy was but said that he thinks she goes somewhere on Sundays, so he’s over there watching football. I don’t know about that. I think she’s over there. I don’t think she left with that aqua car.

I’m tempted to start by giving them some music tonight no matter what else happens today. I’m just so sick of their shit, and I’ll be damned if I’ll put up with it every day. Even every week. If they gotta honk and yell on weekends, fine, but the bottom line is - no music. What kinds of things could happen in these people’s lives to make them this insecure that they gotta go getting the attention of people they hate? When you’re into attention-getting from people you’re supposed to hate, that’s really fucking desperate.

Later…

The bitch should be back soon enough.

Why are my tits sore? I only had a few cups of tea with caffeine in it, but only a few, and there’s less caffeine in tea than there is in coffee.

Tom tried putting a new hinge on the broken back door but didn’t have the right screws.

Later…

I was just mentally visualizing tomorrow’s setup for the mice’s cages and accessories. They need changing badly! I hope changing them doesn’t spawn a 10-hour allergy attack!

I was surprised that Tom wanted sex again today, but it was nice. Neither of us came, though, and you could say that that was the non-surprising part of it. Still, the time we spent together in bed was nice. Screwing’s always nice, even if it gets boring at times, but I read in bed while he napped and that’s still spending some quality time together as far as we’re concerned.

The thing I don’t get about Tom, though, is why sex is so strenuous for him. Most of the time I’d swear I had an 80-year-old man on top of me. He huffs and puffs and his heart goes booming and I wonder why it’s so hard for him. I know he’s 41 and not 21, but still, don’t most guys in their 60s have it easier than this? And he’s not acting as far as this goes, either.

The unfortunate news is that the leak in the back room started leaking again. I should’ve known it was too good to be true that it’d finally be fixed (this time the dogs did go off on Tom). I was surprised at how much rain we had today and that it rained at prime bitch time on a weekend. It rained on and off. Usually, out in Arizona, it only rains a few minutes, then that’s it. So, while it was pouring, Tom went on the roof to see where the water was building up and he patched up an area that he suspected water was getting through. Hope it helps.

I’m surprised Andy hasn’t called during the weekend, but I haven’t heard from him since last weekend when he left me those 3 long messages about his visit from Marla, Evan, and the boys. That’s a long time for him.

Tom looked to see if there were more miniature golf games online, but surprisingly, there weren’t. I like the golf game we’ve got, except it’s “too male.” You can tell by the dull colors and by the content of most of the courses, that it’s male-made.

The current Ruby Jean Jensen book I’m reading is a typical Ruby book. It’s great, and I’m two-thirds of the way done. I want to hurry up and read it to the end, but at the same time, I want it to last. Once I’ve read it, I’ve read it, and I know the story.

Tom felt that the best thing to do with the $5,000 coming from Ma as part of the sale money from the dump she had, would be best spent by paying off our debts rather than put away and saved. We’re about $4,000 in debt.

Now here’s something really fucking weird! I know White Paw’s meow. Hers was lower-pitched than Blackie’s. I let Blackie out a little while ago, sat down to write, then I could’ve sworn I heard WP at the door. I know I did. So I upped and opened the door, but there was no cat in sight. As soon as I opened it, though, I could hear Blackie’s higher-pitched meowing and then I saw that he was at the back of the yard. There’s no way that meow could’ve been his. So unless that was the ghost of WP, she is still alive and she took off when she heard me coming. But why, though? That cat practically loved to piss me off by sticking around when she knew I didn’t want her.

So, all in all, last night’s honk and shouts, and today’s honk and music were all that was heard from our beautiful freeloaders. The white car took off after I last wrote, and to my surprise, the aqua car never returned. I thought it was gonna come back just as loud or louder, but if it did, it was while we were in the bedroom with the fan going.

The white car came and went two more times after it left just after I’d written. See, I still think that all these cars are running drugs and or supplies, but Tom said that that white car that came and went could’ve been running to the store for her, but still, who does this bitch think she is to have all these people doing so much for her? I could never have gotten someone to babysit my kid 5 days a week if I had had one, I could never have gotten someone to take me grocery shopping regularly, I could never have gotten someone to take me out every weekend, so what is it with this bitch having her finger wrapped around all these people? Is she Dureen persuasive, or what? And I’m sure she’s not giving them anything in return for all their slavery. What can she give them? I’ll bet that if she needed something in the middle of the night, there’d be at least 10 different people she could call. But not even my best friend would ever have come running to me like that and that often. Not before. Not now. Another question is how do all her cronies get the time to spend catering to her? Don’t these people work or have lives of their own to live? Obviously not.

Pleasantly enough, there weren’t a million stereos out there today like there was yesterday. I’m sure that had a part in the aqua car’s music. They probably felt left out, and all those stereos probably encouraged them to follow right along.

Speaking of cars and stereos, I haven’t seen that big white car that used to be a real bass blaster (I mean big-time) bass since the second city complaint went in. I’ll bet you the reason why is because they reacted the same way that bitch did when she asked them to lay off the music cuz of me and my complaint. I’ll bet they were just an oh-so-true friend and said, fuck it then. We either play it loud or we don’t know you. She could very well have told the shit in the aqua car to cut it out too, and got a reply of, we’ll lower it, but we won’t turn it off completely.

I wonder if she thinks that the basketball hoop is part of the deal. Does she think that I’ll complain if she lets anyone play ball? Well, I kind of hope so and that she’s afraid to let anyone use that hoop cuz of me, and I just can’t believe that it’s almost November and there still haven’t been any games yet!

I got an awesome idea. I’m not gonna go back to my first journal and do this throughout my past journals, but from here on out, and maybe even from the start of this month, I’m gonna do a table of contents. After each day of writing is complete, I’ll go to my index98 file and type a list of stuff I wrote for that day.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1998

I’m usually able to make it to most of my appointments these days, but I wonder if I’ll make it to see Melanie in the end. My schedule’s a little off for it. Tom said he thinks I will, but not to worry about it for a few days. He said I can decide what to do about it in a few days, but if I decide to do something to hold it back or fast-forward it, Halloween might very well stop me. Fucking kids, man! They fuck up/interfere with your life if you have them. They fuck up/interfere with your life if you don’t have them. Thank fucking God this is our last Halloween here. At least I think it is.

Changed the mice’s cages and sent out a letter to Tammy.

Got a letter from Bob about how he’s been in fights with black cellmates, but no dolls.

Tom got his old piece of shit (1984 Nissan Centra) towed from Ma’s old house. Instead of them taking and stripping his car, then selling the parts, it’s gonna sit on a lot for people to bring their own tools to strip it of whatever they want.

I figured out how to number my index thing. There’s a thing in the tool menu for inserting numbers automatically.

Speaking of numbering, I couldn’t believe it, and I was so pissed off, but that great Ruby book I told you I was reading, had its pages numbered wrong. It jumped from 224 to 257, had the 280s pages printed twice, and was missing about 40 pages.

I sent Marla a message since it’s been a while, and soon I’ll try calling Andy.

A cranberry-colored car just pulled into the freeloader’s and I couldn’t see the driver, who sat there with the car idling till a black boy with silver, metal-rimmed glasses got in the passenger side, then they left. This boy was in his late teens to early 20s. It wasn’t Mike, but I don’t know who it was.

I learned some pretty wild and shocking things about Evie. She said she was married 17 years before meeting David and could not have kids. She had surgery to remove several huge tumors from her ovaries, her uterus is completely backward, she had endometriosis, and doctors told her she’d never have children, so she and David didn’t plan on having kids as Tom told me they did. Maybe God just wanted her to wait till she met and married David before she had kids (David’s her third husband). Or maybe it was cuz I came into the picture. She got pregnant right after Tom and I hooked up, so maybe it was to rub it in my face. God seemed to really enjoy rubbing kids in my face back then and making me jealous. And back then it was hard on me and I was jealous, and I did feel left out a bit and like I wasn’t as good of a family member cuz I didn’t have kids. I felt that maybe we’d have been given more and given more attention if we had had kids, but it doesn’t matter to me in this day and age, and I know they still cared enough about me.

I also told Evie how God ignored me, although no doubt for the better, back when I’d want a kid and would pray for one. Her response was that he wasn’t ignoring me and that he did care about my request. He did? Could’ve fooled me. He can’t care about everyone’s request for a kid. He didn’t give a shit about Mary’s wanting one.

I don’t know what endometriosis is, but I’ve heard the word. I also didn’t know uteruses had fronts and backs.

Although I acknowledge I was wrong about saying quitting smoking wasn’t meant to be, along with marriage and other things, I just know a kid isn’t in my cards, but again, I can’t complain. Tom says if it were him with the problem, he’d get fixed, then decide what to do from there. As long as there are no health hazards from sterility and as long as I don’t want a child, whether or not I could handle one, I see no need to get fixed if fixing is possible, but I am curious still, to find out all I can find out. Then I’ll take it from there.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though, and that’s that as soon as I see one bit of Tom not cooperating if that’s what I truly see, I’m outa there. I will not play games. I’m not gonna go there to deal with the issue of why he won’t let them have his cum for testing. I’m gonna go there for answers to my sterility. So, the second he does what I suspect he’ll do, that’s it, so I may never be able to get the info anyway, thanks to him and his personal, private, deep-rooted fears. I meant it when I said I’d no longer deal with the lack of cumming issue. He either cums or he doesn’t, and if he wants to change his not cumming much, that’s his choice and his problem to deal with. Not mine. Meanwhile, he seems perfectly content with how he is, so then so am I.

Later…

I’m on the phone now with Andy. He’s still so sure he’s going back east in 6 months.

We’ve been talking about this and that. The usual. His work, Quinn, David back east. And I’ve gabbed about the usual, too - Tom, computers, animals.

Later…

OK, I hung up with Andy, who I spoke with for an hour and a half.

I made it clear to him that I would not visit him back east and why. We also discussed how no one’s perfect and everyone has some quality we don’t really like. He doesn’t like David’s beer drinking and David doesn’t like his smoking pot, but they both smoke cigarettes. From this stemmed how I felt Andy either had the worst memory on the face of this earth or just didn’t care, about how he had such a problem with simple requests like not eating on the phone. That’s so fucking annoying and it makes it hard for me to concentrate and keep up with what he’s saying. He said he thought he had been getting away with it by eating really soft and didn’t think I’d notice it.

Anyway, he and I talked about our hardest times with those we know. In my opinion, the worst thing that happened between Tom and me was the fight we had over Kim, Phil, and Alex’s visit. I’m sure Tom feels that that was our worst fight too, but for different reasons. No matter what he says, I’ll always believe that the shit Tom gave me for it was about nothing but pure jealousy. Tom felt jealous, threatened, and left out. Period.

Now I’m gonna go do some more indexing (my daily table of contents).

Later…

Why do I sneeze every single time I walk on the treadmill? At least changing cages around here today didn’t spawn an allergy fit.

As much as Evie can be a bore or a pest at times, I really love that woman. She’s so accepting of me and she’s just such a sweetheart. She agrees with Tom, though, and thinks I look better now. She said I looked fine weight-wise when she saw me at Mary’s, and that I looked healthier, happier, and not so frail.

Time to give a vinegar treatment to my dog and cat mugs soon and get rid of these coffee and tea stains.

I called Ashton Drake to see if I could find out what their shipping schedule is but the lady who answered my call didn’t know squat. When we last checked last Friday, they still hadn’t taken the money out of the account for the dolls, but they may verify the account, then send the dolls first, and then take the payments. Or they may ship only once or twice a month. It depends on how much volume they’ve got and where. If they were shipped last Friday or today, they could get here at the end of the week, but I’d say it’s more likely that they’ll get here during the first or second week of November.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1998

Been writing for 11 years today.

The sales calls are picking up again. There was an anonymous call too, but no message. I’m sure it was Andy.

Still haven’t seen Measles. Is she nesting, or what?

Oh, no. I called Ashton Drake again and asked what “parcel post” was. I didn’t know if that was UPS or regular mail. Well, it’s regular mail. That means its chances of being misdelivered are higher. Also, it’ll be just my luck that I’ll be asleep when they come, and instead of them being left out front, they’ll leave a note to call the PO for re-delivery.

If I ever diet again, it’s not gonna be for a long long time. I haven’t really been dieting lately, but fuck worrying about getting too fat to bend over or rock out. I’m tired of the many, long hours I spend hungry. From now on, I’m gonna eat whenever I’m hungry, and if that means eating all the time, and if that means getting up to 200 pounds, so be it. I love food too much to deprive myself of it, and anyone who isn’t young who’s thin and who’s not thin due to a medication they’re on or some type of drug starves themselves. I’d have to starve to get down to 100 pounds, and then I’d have to keep starving to stay at 100 pounds. That’s no way to live. It’s just too much work trying to go 5-6 hours in between eating. I have to eat every 2-4 hours.

I quit the chromium picolinate cuz it’s become utterly worthless. I’m back to being hungry all the time, and as soon as I hit around 115 pounds, my body knows that’s too low for this day and age and resets itself back to 117-120. I can’t lose any more weight than I already have without going out of my mind and without ultimately becoming physically ill, and I can’t keep walking for nothing here. Oh, I’ll keep walking, but it’s a pity that I finally find some exercise routine I can stick to, only to have it not do me any good. Tom says it helps me in more ways than I know. In what ways? It doesn’t tone me up or cause weight loss. I’m still around the same weight range, and my legs are big, mushy, cratered, tree trunks. I have hips and tits I never would’ve dreamed of having once upon a time, my stomach now has 3 rolls rather than 2, and I’m still a fat-faced, double-chinned, porker, so why bother? I’d have to stop eating and lift weights like hell in order to lose inches and firm up.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1998

Tom worked on the front security door some more yesterday. It’s still not done yet, though. He has to rekey it.

Again, this address label company really wants my business. They sent 9 Christmas labels. It’s nice that they send me labels periodically, but everything’s Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! Or seasonal. Can’t they just send labels that have nothing to do with any season or holiday?

Evie told me more stuff pertaining to kids and all that. I asked her why she didn’t adopt years ago. She said she thought about it but just didn’t. She said she was a foster mother to a teenage girl for a couple of years, but that’s pretty much it.

She said doctors recommended she have a full hysterectomy back in 1981, but she refused. She said they also told her that they recommended she abort Nickolena cuz she’d be a Down's baby, but she said she was gonna take whatever God gave her.

Later…

Just called Ashton Drake since it was during normal business hours, hoping to get a handle on when the dolls would ship. The lady told me that it depends on the availability of the doll. I was told both dolls were available, but that’s not what I was told today. Patrice won’t be available for shipment till December 12th. But the good news is that Summer Dream was shipped on the 21st. That’s been a week, though. Would it take that long to get here? Or did our dumbfuck mailman misdeliver it?

Later…

Well, Summer Dream’s not coming today. He drives those by. The mailman always drives to all the houses that have packages, then he parks his little van at the end of the street, gets out and gets his satchel of mail, then delivers it up and down the street. If I don’t get her this week, then I’ll wonder who did.

Later…

On and off for the last hour or so, I’ve been hearing kids screaming in spurts, but couldn’t tell or see where they were. I took a closer look out front, though, and I think they’re associated with the house that just had a moving yard sale. The same ones that were playing in the street after dark.

Later…

There are a couple of strange-looking vehicles in the alley right now. One of them looks like a small cement truck. The other looks like the mobile home that the people behind us have, but its back is open and it’s just all one big compartment. It doesn’t look like a mobile home inside.

Bill’s working pretty late tonight. Its car is still over there, so unless the bitch is back and chatting with daddy, that ole bitch is working overtime tonight. That’s OK. It won’t kill her.

I hear it leaving now, come to think of it. Gotta make a big fucking production out of it, of course.

Although I don’t yet have a bad vibe, or even a good one, I’m not looking forward to this Halloween weekend!

Got the fans going now. The dogs were quiet throughout the day, but at sundown, they really go off. If they could talk, they’d be screaming, “Don’t leave us out here for another chilly night!”

In case I didn’t mention this before - Evie thinks I look fine at what I weigh now. Said I look less frail, healthier, happy with life. A 160-pound woman would think I look OK.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1998

The kids are out playing ball again in the street and I guess they’ll go inside after dark. I think they moved into that house that was having the tag sale. So let me guess - they’ll be venturing over to use the basketball hoop soon enough to next door’s delight, huh? I still can’t believe the Lopez’s kids and the freeloader’s friend’s kids haven’t used it yet. Anyway, these are blond kids. The girl looked to be about 6 and the boy looked to be about 9. Can’t kids out here use their backyards to play? Why does it always have to be their driveway or the streets?

Bill pulled out at 4:30 and the bitch went with him. Haven’t heard them come back yet.

It’s gonna be another chilly one out there tonight. I had to run the heat last night for the second time this year and reckon I will tonight, too. I wish to hell it’d rain on Halloween, but I know I’m dreaming. I know it’ll be noisy next door, cuz everybody’s gotta take their kids to the bitch. The bitch can’t go to them. Well, hopefully they’ll get here after dark when it won’t be too easy to play ball, and hopefully they won’t be out late screaming since it’ll be chilly and since it’s kids who don’t usually stay up too late, anyway. I’d hope that the adults wouldn’t want to keep them out too late and I’m hoping that with the kids in tow, the adults will want to get back earlier. I mean, who’d want to stay out as late as 10:00 with kids in tow?

There were some kids and two adults that I could see standing in the Lopez’s driveway, but I couldn’t make out who they were. It looked like a woman and a man. The woman might be blond.

Tom said it’s not taking too long at all for the doll. He used to work at the PO, so he knows their procedures. He says it probably wasn’t bound for Phoenix the day it left the warehouse, and that sometimes packages sit at the PO for a few days before they deliver them. They don’t deliver certain things every day. I know when she’s coming. She’s coming on Monday while I’ll be seeing Melanie. I’m gonna leave a note for the mailman to leave any packages by our door should we get any, but the question is, will he acknowledge my request?

Bill brought the bitch back just now.

I haven’t been hungry for the last couple of days, but I know it’ll catch up to me and that my body will always compensate. By the weekend, all I’ll be able to think about will be food.

Found an old pair of earrings I can wear comfortably. I can sleep with them and use the headphones with them. They’re not hooks or post-earrings. They’re chains. The little diamonds on chains that Dureen sent for our wedding. Thanks, Doe.

I was at the stove heating up some soup when I was like, who the fuck’s banging by now? But it kept on and on, till I realized it was Blackie at the screen door banging that to come in. That’s how similar the two sounds are, though. Imagine that - stereos that sound like someone’s pounding on your door? I wouldn’t have believed it years ago and so many more people blast by with these bassy stereos than they did with the old ones. That’s the idea, though, to get attention and be heard and be noticed. They get these stereos more for the people who’ll be hearing them as they drive by with them than for themselves. That’s really fucking sick, desperate, and insecure; buying these stereos for others to hear. But that’s our lonely, selfish society, for you.

Tom measured my waist at just under 28”. That’s gotta be the lowest it’s been in over a year.

Later…

Well, I sort of spilled the beans on Tom. In a suggestive, hint-like sort of way. We were talking earlier about how everyone’s got psychological quirks, then he got all defensive saying he was afraid I’d suddenly come out and accuse him of lying about something, so he was getting all defensive about it. But I haven’t. I’ve been keeping my knowledge of his bullshitting me about getting off to myself. So unless he’s been reading my journals, he shouldn’t have any way of knowing about it, and like I said, my lips have been sealed. So I took this opportunity to leave him a message pointing out how that was a bit overkill on his being defensive, and that it made me wonder if he had anything to hide. Then I told him I wondered if I was stupid to think he’d been cumming regularly, but knew he’d come out and correct me when I’d comment on how he was if he wasn’t. I told him as long as he’s happy, it didn’t matter if he came or not and that if he was lying about it, he doesn’t have to. It only would matter, I told him, if we were trying for a kid, which we won’t ever be doing again, or if he refused to give cum for testing, but he said he would, so I’m taking his word for it. So, we’ll see what he does with this message. What I told him is true, though. I don’t care if he cums or not, but by God, he better squirt if we go for testing! If he fucks with me on that, I will be so pissed, and I won’t give a shit if it’s deliberate or not. As soon as he does, and I should listen to my strong vibes that say he will and not even bother setting myself up by going to get tested, I’ll walk right out of there. Tom, don’t you fuck me out of getting the information I want!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1998

I’m immune to Benadryl now, so who knows if I’ll get to my appointment. I thought earlier that I would, and still do, but time will tell for sure. All the Benadryl did was give me a dry mouth and make me drowsy, but it didn’t knock me out like it usually does. So, I’m gonna take Tom’s advice and not worry about when I sleep. I’ll just keep caught up. Going one day without sleep won’t kill me.

In response to my message - he said, “But we weren’t even talking about sex.” I told him that that was the only subject he’s ever gotten defensive about. Well, I’m gonna shut up from here on out, cuz I don’t want him getting the wrong idea and thinking that it bothers me if he doesn’t cum, cuz I have a feeling that may turn him on and influence him to play games with me. I want him turned on, but not by something I said. I want him to not cum if it turns him on and I want him to cum if it turns him on. Whatever he feels comfortable doing, he’ll do, and that’s fine.

Earlier, I reminded myself that God has an obsession with giving babies to women who don’t want them. I asked myself what made me so sure he wouldn’t do that to me. The answer was that I just knew he wouldn’t. But that wasn’t good enough, so I thought about it some more, then it hit me. The reason why he won’t is cuz I couldn’t handle it. Most other women who get unwanted babies may not be happy about it, but they can still handle it.

I’ll be getting my doll on Tuesday. Tom said he’d rather pick up the doll the next day if the mailman tried delivering it while we were out Monday and left a note on the door, rather than having me leave the mailman a note to just leave any packages there. This is no doubt to make me wait another day since he seems to get off on making me wait for things. Like I haven’t waited long enough already? And I know that doll will get here when we’re at Melie’s, too. No doubt about it. Can I ever get a package while I’m home and awake? Of all the times I’m out, packages just have to wait till then! They can’t get here when I’m home, which is 95% of the time, and when they do, it has to be while I’m asleep.

Mary had her thyroid removed today. God seems to enjoy having her parts go bad. Let’s see… she’s had to have her female parts removed, her gall bladder, her thyroid. What’s next?

Later…

My strong vibe is ringing true so far. The doll will come Monday when we’re out, then he’ll go get it the next day. Tom said it could come tomorrow, but nope. Monday’s the day. If it doesn’t come while we’re out on Monday, then I think we’re looking at a definite case of being misdelivered.

Later…

Today turned out to be one of the shittiest days I’ve had in a long time. God totally cursed us both today, but I’m too beat physically and emotionally to get into it now.

Although I’ve become sort of immune to Benadryl and stood up till 3 AM last night, I did get up earlier after all and only slept barely 6 hours. So I’ll expand on shit tomorrow.

Later…

I’m still hours away from going to sleep and have had some time to relax, so I’ll write about our shitty day now. Naturally, Tom was taking it so well and even saying things were wonderful and that this was a great opportunity and all that. Yeah, a great opportunity for what?

I knew it. I just knew that not only would people be wanting Tom to do for them, but that more shit would occur around here once that house sold. Eileen, the 60-something woman that Tom used to work with at AMEX called with a computer question on behalf of her granddaughter. Tom’s going to go see them on Sunday. Helping someone out once in a while is fine, though, and she pays him fairly.

It just hit me that Wendy hasn’t called in ages, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she did anytime now. Especially before we move.

Speaking of moving, I just can’t fucking wait!!! I am so sick of living in dives and having to deal with one piece of shit after another as far as this old house goes!! I was sitting in the back room while Tom was talking to Eileen when we heard this buzzing and saw sparks go spitting across the room from the plug that’s on the inner back room wall. Tom hung up the phone and yanked what was plugged into the outlet out, which was the camcorder, which is fortunately OK. Fortunately, he didn’t get zapped, either. It continued to spark a few more times after yanking the camcorder plug out and really scared the shit out of me. Tom hit it with the fire extinguisher, then took the outlet out to examine it. That was when I noticed, that after a day of unbelievable rain, the leak had spread again and was much worse. It had not only crept further up the outer wall but in towards the middle of the room, too. So I figured it was water that caused the sparking, but Tom couldn’t find any wetness close to the outlet. He thinks the outlet just failed, but I don’t know. It tripped a fuse and killed all the back room electricity. Who knows how long it’ll be before we restore electricity to the back room? Tom’s gonna go around and redo all the outlets in there, but thanks, God. Thanks a real fucking lot, you merciless, unfair, insensitive, cruel bastard!

Even the garbage disposal is out of use to us now, since its electricity is fed off of the back room. Thank God for having Tom be home when this happened and thank God, we still have electricity where the refrigerator’s plugged in and that the computers didn’t get damaged, but goddammit I’m sick of this shit! We have enough shit to do/fix in this dive. We don’t need or deserve this shit!

Not only was it frustrating and depressing, but it was unfair and it angered me. It really pisses me the fuck off to see people like Dureen and Art who lived like kings and queens when they were younger than I am, and who’ve never had to worry about money, live it up without a care in the world. And it really pisses me the fuck off to see Marjorie, whose life is virtually over, sit there with a good hundred thousand bucks or so just sitting in her account. Meanwhile, those of us who struggle and who need it, have to keep on going without and have to keep on struggling.

I want out of here sooo bad. I asked Tom why the fuck Mom can’t advance our share of the money she’s to will to us, but Tom said she doesn’t know how much she’s gonna need to spend before she dies. Watch. With our luck, she’ll need a nursing home towards the end of her time and that’ll dry up her account so we don’t get shit. This fucking user should’ve paid to fix this roof as soon as it began leaking, though, and I don’t care who disagrees with me on that one. I sit and fantasize about smothering her with a pillow! God, go pick on someone else for a change, will you? Leave the good, struggling people alone. Let someone like Dureen and Art live a day in their lives for a change in a dump. Let them struggle. Let them have to fix this and fix that.

Tom said he’s gonna think about it and decide whether or not to call someone to come in and fix the roof, or if he’s gonna do it himself during his remaining vacation days that he’s got off in November. He’s actually gonna be off more in November than he’ll be working. He’ll be off 16 days and working 15 days, but this is no way for this guy to have to spend his vacation, fixing roofs. God, don’t you have any empathy whatsoever? Can you leave the poor guy alone and give him a fucking break for a change? Can he ever spend a vacation doing fun, relaxing things?

I kind of like the idea of leaving the job to someone else, although it’ll cost more and we won’t be able to use that $5,000 to pay off our debts like we’d originally planned, but the question is - will they do the job right? Somehow, I have my doubts. The fucking cocks that did the AC didn’t seal up a gap that allowed the music room ceiling to leak and stain, so now that’s one more thing we’re gonna have to paint before we split. I asked Tom, who should know better and who I believe, if they can come, fuck up the roof, and get away with it? Meaning, can they do shit we can’t prove and get our money back on? He said yes.

If Tom’s willing to take the time to do the job, that’ll save us money, but can he fix it? Every time he’s so sure he’s got a handle on it, we’re either right back where we started or worse. What if our beautiful God who’s supposed to help those that help themselves won’t let us fix the fucking thing? Is all this shit a compensation for good, relaxing, fun times to come? I sure hope so! God, I hope so!! And we deserve it, too! We’ve had enough of this shit! We’ve struggled and gotten nowhere enough and enough’s enough!!

Do I have a bad vibe about the weekend and the freeloaders? No. I don’t have a good one either, but if those freeloaders had made a scene when I was pissed off as I was earlier, I’d have killed them! And they better hope they stay off my ass this weekend, cuz I’m not in the mood for no shit. I never am. I mean, who is? But the point of it is my moving-in-June vibe is weakening and for all I know, we have 17 months left here instead of 7 and I’m going to keep my promise to myself about the freeloaders. If I hear one more outburst from them that isn’t very occasional, there’ll be no city letters. Just my fists. Even once a week won’t cut it with me. If I hear them a few minutes every few months, I can live with that, but as long as I’m still here, they’re under my rule and thumb.

Yeah, those fucking, fucking, mother-fucking freeloaders!! If something breaks in that house, they get to have someone take care of it for them free of charge. God, I hate you and your unfair ways! Meanwhile, we gotta foot our own repair bills or slave over fixing shit ourselves. Fucking asshole freeloaders! Oh, what I would do to them if they were at my door right now or making a ruckus outside! I’d fucking kill them, so help me fucking God!!

Anyway, I don’t trust that fucking back room worth shit. I told Tom that I didn’t want to ever have to come back into that room, or at least not for quite a while unless it was to go out back or to tend to the animals. I’d have to see it rain hard several times before I trusted that the leak was fixed, regardless of who did it.

So we moved my computer, printer, and scanner into the living room. His computer’s still back there, and he’ll use the power cord that the microwave uses when he wants to use his computer. He uses the TV way more, so that shouldn’t be too inconvenient for him. Our computers aren’t networked, but again, we can just pull a cable if he needs to send or take anything from mine. I had to rearrange and deal with so many inconveniences due to this shit. I have to drag the phone cord that’s in the computer to the phone splitter in the phone here in the living room if I want to go on AOL. Can’t just log in.

I just went and checked and the stove and toaster work, which is nice.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1998

A silver car just quietly dropped the bitch off. Although I don’t have a bad vibe, I’m still sure her sick pals will bring over their little kiddies at some point, so they can all raise hell for a little while.

It still pisses me off that I gotta get the doll while I’m out. Yes, the mailman’s left packages before, as Tom’s pointed out. He’s left CDs, but he’s not gonna leave a $100 doll sitting out there. So, Tuesday’s the day I’ll have it unless it’s gone to someone else. Then I have to wait a month for Patrice. I wonder if doll collecting is worth it. If it’s gonna be such a big deal getting dolls, maybe I should quit after these two.

Later…

Oh good. I just caught the regular mailman and asked if he’d be delivering on Monday. He said yes, and I told him about the package that may very well come that day and just to leave it here. He said fine. I hope so. I hope he remembers.

Later…

All’s still peaceful around here, but from 6:00 - 10:00, who knows?

I made a total pig of myself yesterday and at 118 pounds, I’m paying for it. My clothes are pretty tight. So, since there’s no room for the walker in the living room, and since walking didn’t really do much for me anyway, I’ve taken a water pill and have decided to stop eating for a while. I’ve taken vitamin pills, too, and with lots of water, juice, some tea, and coffee, I’ll be OK. I won’t do this very long or very often. It’s just that it’s soooo natural for my body to be heavy and if I just say fuck it all together and eat whenever I’m hungry, I’m gonna be 200 pounds in the long run and the more I think about that, the more I don’t like it. I may never be thin again and I may never have my old metabolism back, but I don’t want to be huge, either. I just wish maintaining the same weight didn’t take so much work and suffering! Why does it have to be so hard?

I called Tammy and told her about yesterday, then she told me something that shocked the shit out of me. Something that I almost never hear out of her mouth. Well, she said things were going well there.

There’s a movie premiering on HBO tonight that I’ve been wanting to see and on Tuesday, Gloria will be on a request show. I’m sure she’ll look shitty as all hell, but that ought to be interesting; seeing her perform whatever people call in to request.

I kind of like the computer in the living room better. It looks kind of cool where it’s at, it’s closer to the bedroom, music room, bathroom, and kitchen, and its sounds are better cuz it’s in a smaller room. The only thing I don’t like about it is that I feel like I’m vulnerable prey to kids playing in the street or next door. I feel like my sitting here will lure them right to that hoop as if they sense my presence. Well, God knows I’m here.

I better enjoy the peace from barking dogs in the living room while it lasts, cuz according to Tom, they’ve got a for rent sign up in front of that house (he says it couldn’t have been rented yet) and you know there’ll be a dog. Also, with the way their fence is laid out, it’ll be up front 99% of the time and not in back by its alley. Their front is our front, of course, so I’ll be hearing it loud and clear and having to drown it out with the fan. I can forget about my 9 PM-6 AM peace.

Tom just told me a computer game’s coming out based on John Saul’s Blackstone Chronicles series. Can’t wait!

[kkusuka]

omg can you do pt.2 for “little toxic things </3” where the reader gets tired of there actions and tries to break up with them?? or something along the lines where they simply just ignore them. thank you!!! whenever you can!! <33

pt.1 <3

TW: atsumu’s talks about having an eating disorder for a bit, it also talks about growing out of an eating disorder!!!!

a similar asks : Can you make part 2, where they regret it and s/o and dead or like something really angsty? Btw. I really like your writing style.

I love your writing and I hope you are doing well! No rush or pressure or anything whatsoever, but maybe a pt. 2 to the toxic hc (the one with sakusa, suna, oikawa and atsumu) where the reader breaks up with them or something and how they react. Honestly it’s up to you what the ending is but I just wonder how they would react lol. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I love your writing and I hope you are doing well! No rush or pressure or anything whatsoever, but maybe a pt. 2 to the toxic hc (the one with sakusa, suna, oikawa and atsumu) where the reader breaks up with them or something and how they react. Honestly it’s up to you what the ending is but I just wonder how they would react lol. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

i know this was supposed to be headcannons but something came over me and i just wrote mini fics for it. 

oikawa

why did this get kinda long?

sometimes time gets away from him. the moment he woke up he knew how important this day was, and as much as he liked to pretend he wasn’t, he knew he was on very thin ice with you. he was going to make it better. hw had the perfect plan, al he had to do was get through practice on time and he’d be set! but, sometimes time gets away from him, and he’s too busy to check his phone when his serve is getting shaky. 

-

you believed him when he said he’d be there, but deep down you somehow knew that it was going to be like every other time. after thirty minutes you gave him a call, people started to look at you. at one hour you ordered the most expensive bottle of wine, and shot him more than a few texts. at two hours you ordered food and gave up on trying to contact him, the point was lost. when you finished your meal at 2 1/2 hours you came to the conclusion he wasn’t coming and he had failed to prove that he could keep a promise. 

- 

it was 9:45 when he finally checked his phone. teo hours and thirty minutes after he was supposed to meet you at the restaurant. he wasted no time, not even for a shower, and made it to the restaurant in record time. as he was walking in you were walking out. 

“y/n please listn! i’m-” 

“i’m over it Tooru, i love you, i really do but i can’t keep going through this. i’ll be cheering for you even if you can’t see me.” 

“please, please we-we can fix this-” 

“there’s nothing to fix, i’ll get my stuff and be out by tomorrow.” 

-

everything was numb now, when had you become so important to him? you were his entire life and he took complete advantage of all that you did for him. he was so blinded by his ambition that he had forgotten about the person who helped him get where he was. and deep in his heart he knew that there wouldn’t be anyone else, and some how he was going to get you back. hopefully you still loved him enough to et him try. 

sakusa

it was simple, he no longer had feelings for you. and he’d rather not go through the hassle of sitting down and talking it through with you. if you loved home so much than you would understand that he had to leave. but now as he sits in his half empty apartment that the two of you once shared, he isn’t to sure he made the right decision. 

-

he sees you everywhere now, it drives him insane. when he walks around the grocery store he sees the snacks you would always beg him to buy. or when he was getting a new cologne and the first smell that hit him was the perfume you would always wear. and on the plane back to Tokyo that only thing that calmed him was the photo of the two of you that he just happens to “forget” to take out of his wallet. 

maybe he should call you, and hopefully you would give him a chance to make it right. 

atsumu

103 lb. that wasn’t good enough, the girl on the poster that Suna gave Atsumu for his birthday was 98 lb. why wasn’t it working? you worked out everyday, ate 400 calories at best, what was going so wrong? Atsumu didn’t seem to even notice what you were doing and that hurt just a bit more than an aching stomach. what he did notice was the way your hair matted down and got thinner. and the way your skin lost it’s glow. and how the bags under your eyes never seemed to go away. 

and he didn't spare you these observations, or how all he girls you saw at that mall didn’t look like that. 

-

after five month you were diagnosed with an eating disorder, and that was the final straw to your relationship. it was like the skies had parted and you had truly seen what was going on. two hours later you had your best friend pack all of your stuff and you left the apartment. you could no longer kill yourself for this relationship, if atsumu wanted all the the girls in the Ads, than he can have them. 

- 

9 months and two relapses later you were finally free form the plague Atsumu had induced on you. you had gotten rid of anything that reminded you of the boy. you went as far as getting a new phone number. you had finally found peace with yourself and your body and no one was going to take that away from you. but clearly getting rid of photo’s of the man wont get rid of the real one. and you’re faced with the harsh reality when you run into him at an engagement party. 

-

he had a year and a half you realize what he had done. and he had, Atsumu was disgusted with how he acted, but never tried to contact you. he knew you didn't want to talk to him and i would just make it worse if he tried. he never truly realized what his words had done to you. 

-

“y/n-”

“i’m sorry Miya, i-i can’t talk right now” 

he understood, he did. but that didn't make it hurt any less. watching you walk out of his life for the second time hurt even more than the first. at east he didn't see you leave the first time. maybe one day you wont hate him enough so he can tell you how sorry he was. 

suna

two weeks of complete silence was the last straw of your already rocky relationship with the middle blocker. sending him one more useless text you decided you had, had enough. you weren’t going to fight for this relationship if wasn't going to meet you in the middle. it took you about 30 minutes to get all of the clothes that you had borrowed from him, and put them in a bag. it took you another ten minutes to make it to his house. and one minute to get to his door. 

-

when he opened the door to you, he isn’t going to lie he was annoyed and didn't want to see you. wasn’t the unanswered messages enough? couldn’t you take a hint. 

“y/n im not in the mood-”

“you don’t need to be in the mood, here’s your shit. you can go ignore someone else for two weeks. 

- 

in some sick way suna missed all of your messages, he knew he had no right to be thinking of them. but its 3:26 am and al he can think about is you. some of the sweatshirts still smelled like you but by now the perfume had dissipated. no matter how many photos of you he had, they didn't do how beautiful you were justice. if he was just a bit less prideful he would be at your door, sleep forgotten, and beg for you back. but for no he’ll just have to deal with the void of emotions lingering in his chest. 

[cabensonsgirly]

👼Baby's Got Trouble. Don't Know How To Live. Don't Want To Die. (Cordelia Goode)👼

Cordelia Goode x fem!reader

👼Part 6 of SP getting reader pregnant👼

👼Slice 2👼

Co-authored with @billiedeannovak

Somewhat au but more so later xx

👼Wordcount: 3131👼

👼Posted on AO3: Read Here👼

👼Content: Fiona (I know a lot of y'all hate her so she's here for you to hate her more xx), slow-burn, angst, fluff, mentions of blood, mild violence, feelings👼

👼You closed your eyes, resting your hands flat against the cold wood of the door as you started your breathing exercises. Soon each breath came in and filled your lungs as if you were breathing for the first time ever, each one as refreshing as the last. When you opened your eyes and swore in shock upon seeing there was another blonde standing in front of you, looking at you as if you were some alien.👼

As you put what clothing you had in the set of drawers you realised you would need to go shopping very soon or else you’d end up wearing a towel while you waited for your items to wash and dry. You hoped that classes today finished quickly so that you could bus to the mall and spend what little money you had in savings on clothing. Shit. That’s another problem. You didn’t have a job anymore so should you need new shoes or personal items how are you going to be able to pay for them?

You swore loudly and hit the drawers in frustration, why couldn’t you just be normal? Outside you could hear the girls speaking, well- yelling: “Hey! That new girl seems to have anger issues! Cordelia are you sure she’s not gonna murder us or anything?” It feels as though the walls have ears, which wouldn’t be surprising seeing as the whole building felt like it was pulsing with energy. Maybe it was the sheer amount of witches converging in this one place or maybe it was the history of the building itself. A quick google search shows that this place was built in the late 1700s or something so, to put it mildly, it was really fucking old.

You take your phone off charge and slip it into your back pocket before leaving your room, closing the door behind you although you feel as though a shut door wont stop the others from snooping. The moment the door clicked shut behind you it was as if air was sucked from your lungs, each breath becoming harder no matter how deep a breath you took. You closed your eyes, resting your hands flat against the cold wood of the door as you started your breathing exercises. Soon each breath came in and filled your lungs as if you were breathing for the first time ever, each one as refreshing as the last. When you opened your eyes and swore in shock upon seeing there was another blonde standing in front of you, looking at you as if you were some alien.

“You’ve got a mouth on you. I like it. The rest of you?” She steps back, tilting her head to the side as she looks you up and down before shrugging “You’re alright looking. Could probably do with better clothes or none at all but hey, we all start somewhere, right?” You give her an incredulous look “thanks, I guess?” before moving past her and heading down the stairs, thanking the stars that Cordelia is at the bottom of them. “I saw you and Madison having a chat, hopefully she wasn’t too” she screws her face up a little and does a vague gesture with her hands “Madisony.”

You laugh lightly, a light blush settling on Cordelia’s cheeks as well. “She was- is, certainly something. Said that I would look better with nicer clothes on or none at all. Which I mean…” You bite your bottom lip slightly and give her a wink before laughing “God I’m sorry. That was- That was not appropriate.” Cordelia blinks a few times in shock, her cheeks taking on a darker colour and she looks down then back at you before turning away completely. “I- Well… Let’s- I’ll show you where we have breakfast.”

It didn’t take you long for you to get settled in at the academy, after the first week of trepidation and nerves had ran their course, you found yourself getting along well with most of the girls there; you and Cordelia had become closer too, surprising yourself with how quickly you had become close to her in six months. Madison still felt the need to get you out of your clothing because apparently nothing you wore looked good on you. You couldn’t care less about what she had to say, you were more concerned about what the hellhound had to say, Fiona. Don’t let her catch you saying that though or else you’d find yourself becoming well acquainted with the wall.

The woman fucking terrified you, and it wasn’t just because she was Supreme. She just gave off the distinct impression that she hated everyone, especially her daughter which pissed you off to no end. Here Cordelia was running the academy while her mother is off galivanting around the world, in fact, she’s still running it but according to Fiona she was a disgrace. Maybe you should introduce her to your own mother, they would get on like a house on fire, which is probably what the outcome would be.

Both women were alcoholics and smoked as though cigarettes would soon go out of fashion, both women also hated their daughters with a burning passion. You could understand your mother hating you, but you couldn’t understand why Fiona hated Cordelia; she was an amazing woman and mentor to you, she treated you like you were the most precious being she’s ever met and even when you slipped up, she was there to help you until you were successful.

In order to avoid running into the hellhound that had returned, you spent most, if not all, of your time outside under one of the trees reading through books and notes. The woman rarely went into the garden so you felt quite safe out here. It was peaceful, the wind danced through the leaves making them join in on the waltz, the sounds that the birds sung took you away from being in the city and into the wilderness, it amazed you how much life was on this property despite it being surrounded by so many other buildings, it should be suffocating but it isn’t.

You rest your head back against the tree, looking up through its branches and leaves to see speckles of blue from the sky poke through. “So this is where you run off to hide when the Supreme comes back to play… I don’t know what my daughter sees in you. All you do is sit around with your nose in those damned books or spend time in that greenhouse Cordelia insists on having. Are you even really a witch?”

Your head snapped down to see who was speaking, but you already had a clear idea of who it was. Your eyes landed on the older blonde, your cheeks taking on colour due to embarrassment. “I- I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t a witch, ma’am. Surely you’d know that being the Supreme and all.” She scoffed and narrowed her eyes at you, “And I thought you’d know a rhetorical question when it hits you in the face, but clearly you don’t. The only thing that could be more obvious is your silly little infatuation with Cordelia. I don’t know who is more idiotic between the two of you. You for liking my daughter, or my daughter for thinking you are capable of becoming a powerful witch.”

You suppress the urge to roll your eyes, knowing that if she caught you, you would end up rather worse for wear. You close your books then pick them up as you stand, “well, as always, ma’am, it hasn’t been a pleasure. I know for a fact that one day, Cordelia will be an incredibly powerful witch and you will regret all the times you have treated her like shit.” In a move that surprises not only yourself but the Supreme, you found yourself disappearing before reappearing in Cordelia’s office, startling her.

“How- How did I just? I was- your mom and in the garden and now- what?” You turned around, checking to see if you were actually in one piece and actually in Cordelia’s office before looking at her, confusion visible on your face. She pushes back from her desk before standing up and making her way over to you, her eyebrows furrowed in thought and her eyes twinkling with curiosity behind her glasses.

“Transmutation. The ability to move from one place to another instantaneously without occupying the space in between… You have to have where you want to be clear in mind but even then it can still end catastrophically.” Cordelia whispers as she walks around you slowly, examining to see whether or not you’re injured in anyway before returning to stand in front of you, a proud smile on her face. “It’s one of the skills a witch must master in order to become Supreme, but that is still quite some time away for you. Of all the places you could go to escape from being tormented by my mother… you chose here.”

You blush and look down, a shy smile on your face “Where else would I go?” You raise your gaze to meet hers, biting your bottom lip slightly when you notice her cheeks are now a lovely shade of pink. “Oh- Well- well there’s so many rooms here and- and you have your own and- and there’s just- there are so many places but- but you chose here and I just-“ You couldn’t stop yourself from giggling at how flustered Cordelia has become. “Delia,” you grin, shaking your head slightly “has anyone told you lately how cute you are when flustered?”

The blonde’s eyes widen and her cheeks take on an even darker colour, she pushes her glasses up her nose, taking her bottom lip between her teeth shyly. “No- No well- No because usually they just think I’m being annoying because I tend to ramble and then I get embarrassed and just trail off before I get told to shut up” she rushes out, her voice barely above a whisper. You move your hand and brush some of her hair behind her ear, your hand lingering on her cheek before you both spring away from each other when the door opens.

“Ah Cordelia, there you are. I was wondering where you were, your mother is in one of her moods again. Something about ‘that new witch’ and ‘she just vanished after running her mouth’, she is drinking herself into a stupor, you know how she gets.” You move out of the way so Myrtle can enter the room, your blush only darkening at her words.

“So, little witch, what did you do and say to get our Supreme in such a mood?” Your eyes dart between her and Cordelia, desperately hoping she would make you disappear but nothing happened, and you were too flustered to make yourself disappear. “I- I didn’t really- I didn’t do anything that- that would make any rational witch- er, sorry Delia you know what I mean though… would make anyone flip their lid. She- She was talking poorly about Delia and I couldn’t just let her continue because Delia is wonderful and beautiful and amazing and smart and” You go wide-eyed and look down “I- Sorry… I- Anyway” you clear your throat before looking back at Myrtle.

“So- So I said that Delia will become an extremely powerful witch one day and- and that she’d regret all the times she has treated Delia like shit. Then- Then apparently I transmuted into Delia’s office.” Myrtle raises an eyebrow, the corner of her lips tugging up in a faint smirk as she turns to look at Cordelia. “Seems like you have a witch in shining armour, Cordelia. One who is growing into her abilities more each time I see her; you’re an excellent mentor to her. Little witch, I think the girls were looking for you.”

You dip your head, a shy smile on your face before you take your leave, thanking both witches as you close the door behind you. Your hand lingered on the doorknob as you rest your forehead against the door, your eyes closing briefly. If you weren’t careful, you thought you’d end up back in the room again, you wouldn’t complain if that were the case but you were already borderline inappropriate with the headmistress so you took your leave, heading to where the girls slept knowing this is where they spend most of their time. Each step you took on the floor bounced off the walls, the sound echoing throughout the neoclassical interior.

Myrtle lets out a sigh, shaking her head as she sits down in front of Cordelia’s desk. She runs her hand over the surface before resting it on her lap on top of her other one, “What are you doing, Cordelia? What is going on between you two? Nobody, not even your mother, was capable of transmuting under such duress at that age, yet Yn did. She did, and she found herself in your office. So don’t lie to me, Cordelia.”

Cordelia runs her fingers through her head as she paces back and forth in front of Myrtle, stopping occasionally to rub her face with her hands before continuing, clearly bugged by something. “Nothing. Nothing is going on between us. It- It can’t happen. She’s my student. It wouldn’t be appropriate. Not even accounting for what the others would think and say about it. They’d say I’m playing favourites and- and that she’s only getting good grades because she’s sleeping with me. I can’t. It- It can’t happen.” She shakes her head and slumps into her seat, leaning against her desk where she rests her face in her hands, letting out a shaky breath. “It’s- It’s not a good idea, Myrtle.”

The red-haired witch makes an exasperated sound, looking at Cordelia with an expression she hadn’t seen since Myrtle had had enough of Fiona. “Don’t make the same mistakes as your mother, Cordelia. You are stopping yourself from being happy because you’re too afraid of what might happen.” She sits back in the seat, pointing a finger at the blonde “you are still scared about what your mother has to say about you.” Myrtle’s expression softens, her eyes no longer steely but now filled with nothing but sincerity for the woman that sat in front of her. “You can’t go through life like this. You need to find out what you want, and whether or not you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there.”

Meanwhile you were currently sitting in a small circle on the floor with Madison, Queenie, and Zoe. You had been roped into a game of Truth or Dare, which is a game you had managed to avoid for a vast majority of your life because you hated it. Why did you hate this game? Because it gave people the perfect opportunity to force information out of you, and into doing things you wouldn’t usually do. “Yn, truth of dare? No you can’t opt out, we’ve been over this already” you groan in annoyance, rolling your eyes before responding “truth.”

Madison claps her hands together and her eyes sparkle dangerously, a look you had desperately been trying to prevent from being directed towards you seeing as the last time she gave you that look you had found yourself pinned against your bedroom wall with her pressed up against you because you had said she wouldn’t win in a fight against you, yet she did and you ended up with very angry marks on your neck for the rest of the week. You breathed out a quiet “shit” which the other girls laughed and nodded in agreement with.

“Are you sleeping with Cordelia?” She quirked an eyebrow, a salacious smirk spreading across her face. In comparison, you blushed furiously, your eyes wide in shock and you didn’t come to until Zoe gave you a hard smack on your back, forcing you to cough out a breath before you started breathing normally again. “No! No. No I don’t- No! No. We’ve never- I haven’t- No.” You shake your head in disbelief “jesus Mad, where the fuck did that come from??”

All the girls had started laughing, Madison’s being the loudest of them all. “There is clearly something going on between you two, you both practically eye-fuck each whenever you’re in the same room. So, spill.”

You shoot her a glare, taking a few deep breathes to stop yourself from tossing her across the room like Fiona does. “There isn’t anything going on Madison, for fuck sake. Nothing can happen. Nothing will ever happen. She’s my teacher, our teacher. She’s the fucking headmistress of this place! And besides, you lot would say I’m only passing because I’m sleeping with her.” You sigh sadly and stand up before leaving “this is why no one likes you Madison.” The walk back to your room felt like it took forever, each step seeming to take you further away from your destination, the only thing running through your mind was how close you were to Cordelia yet somehow so far from her.

“Why do you look like how my daughter is after spending five minutes alone with me? What happened, did she break your poor little heart?” The woman laughs, the sound shooting through you as the waft of smoke from her cigarette hits you. “Although she is pathetic, she is also a Goode and she can do so much better than you.” You look at Fiona, a defeated expression on your face as you shrugged “Nothing has happened between us. Nothing will ever happen between us. So don’t worry your pretty little head about it. I’m not the one ruining the Goode name, you have that sorted out all on your own.”

You move past her and into your room, going to close the door but a shriek is torn from you as your flung against the wall, hitting it with a thud before landing unceremoniously on the floor. You scramble to sit up against the wall, eyes never leaving Fiona as she moves further into your room, her eyes wild. “You may be skilled with transmutation, and you may be my stupid daughter’s favourite, but I am still the fucking Supreme.”

You wipe your nose, cursing quietly when your hand comes away red; closing your eyes you took a deep breath, then when you opened them and exhaled the bleeding had stopped. “What- What do you want then, my Supreme?” You sneered at her despite feeling anything close to fighting. The older woman flicks her hair out of her face, tilting her chin up as she looks down at you “I want you to remember your fucking place. I don’t care how quickly you’re learning to master magic, you will never be at the same level as me.” She moves closer to you until she’s standing over you, her nose screwed up in disgust “you will never be anything more than a nobody that was picked up off the streets because her own family didn’t want her. You aren’t even wanted here.” Fiona gave you one more look over, shaking her head before she leaves, slamming the door behind her.

[unwishablestars]

amongst the waiting stars

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x f!reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 3.8k

Tags: Mutual Pining, SFW, Drunk Confessions, i tried my best

TWs: Mentions of alcohol intake

Summary: When Levi’s visits get more and more frequent how long until he’d have to admit he didn’t come for the coffee

A/N: this is the first fic I actually finished/properly wrote and I actually dont hate it, hopefully y’all don’t too :)

Wiping off the spilled coffee, restocking the pastries and cakes, it was a calm day for you and your co-workers. You felt a cool autumn breeze enter the room as you hear the door open and were greeted with a rather short man with a bored expression.

"Hello! Welcome to xxx, how may I help you?"

Greeting back with a simple hello, he proceeds to scan the pastries inside the case before he walks up to the counter to order tea and brownies.

With that slight intimidating atmosphere you found around him you didn't expect him to have such a sweet and simple order, emphasis on sweet, he didn't seem the type to order something as sweet as a brownie. Though, that being said, he did order a tea that was rather bitter.

"Can I have your name?" Holding the cup with a pen in hand.

"Levi"

"Alright thank you, Levi. Would you like your brownie reheated?" Asking with a soft and friendly smile "Yes, please."

After asking him to sit down you start to prepare his tea and brownie, approaching him with a black tray in your hand and his food on top of it.

"Please enjoy, Levi!" Setting the tray down and flashing him a little smile before leaving him be.

And that was it, you thought this was as close as you strangers could get.

--------------------

A week to 4 days to 3, he started coming by regularly. Nothing special really, he wasn't the only regular, but you sure as hell didn't expect to be able to talk to him as if you've been friends for ages.

You've memorized the way he likes his tea, you know he has a sweet tooth that he wouldn't admit he has and you know that type of coffee he likes when he needs to get through a lecture.

Every 3 days became 2 then daily, he was back again. You didn't know why but it seemed to excite you to see a familiar face, his familiar face, what didn't make sense was why him? Why was he so special?

Was it the way he openly admired your focused and quick work attitude, the way he would pleasantly chat to you about his life outside this café or those sweet little banters you two have when he enters and leaves the store.

For a man that didn't smile much, he sure was a treasure to have around.

Often enough for you to notice though, he always seemed to sit alone. Asking about it, he's never really responded with anything other than a:

"I'm waiting for someone."

You've never seen this someone. A friend perhaps? A date? Whoever it may be, they seem pretty rude to never show up even once.

Leaning on your arms over the counter to ask him "Waiting again?" Levi started sitting closer and closer to the counter just to make your conversations easier.

A slight pause was present before his answer "Yeah." "Is it the same someone as last time?" Thinking for a moment, "No, it's a different friend."

"Not that is any of my business, but it seems pretty rude for your friends to just never show up like this. You could wait for an hour or so and still not be pissed, gotta say that's pretty admirable."

"It's not a big deal. I mean, I'm stuck here waiting with you aren't I? It's not so bad."

He's right, I guess it wouldn't be so bad if you waited with him too.

"How smooth, Prince Charming." Despite your snarky remark you can't deny, it was nice hear that you made his wait bearable for him.

To the untrained eye, someone could see him as a stoic and quiet man, maybe even intimidating. But with trust and patience, he was sweet and compassionate, it could make your heart melt.

Taking as sip from his tea, presumably ignoring your little banter, you could've sworn you saw the softest smile accompanied with a little blush.

I wouldn't mind waiting with you.

--------------------

Nearing the end of the year, a cool breeze can now be present everywhere. Malls, stores and homes turning on their heaters to help with the growing cold.

Leaving his building wearing a stylish grey coat, already on his way to his personal sanctuary, his thoughts were interrupted with a loud and high:

"LEEEEVIIII"

Turning around he was met with a very much energetic Hange Zoe, stopping in his tracks to see what they have to say. "On your way already? Excited to see your sweetheart?" They said, smirking with a deeper intent than to tease.

Levi's friends were more attentive than he had thought, it didn't take a while for them to realize that he'd been leaving the campus in a slight rush. It also didn't take them long to start guessing what else he could possibly have better to do other than sit in the library or go home immediately.

"She's not my sweetheart." He absolutely wishes though, liar. With Hange and his friends bombarding him with questions like "What's she like?" "Is she pretty?" "Are you going to make the 1st move?" It left butterflies in his stomach. The thought of a confession made his stomach twirl, even if it didn't show on his face.

He often thinks about when that perfect opportunity would arise or even if something like that exists, he'd love to win your heart over and have you in his arms. The thought of you spending your days together, official, made his heart swell, yours too. But how could he possibly ask you out? Who the hell was he to you?

"Right, of course she's not.." Hange responding quickly, stretching out the 'right' to emphasis her suspicion. "Then in that case, you should invite your 'friend' to our little gathering before we leave!" They said with a smug yet genuinely joyful expression on their face, nudging his arm to the suggestion.

"Why would I want to do that?" Levi said plainly. His friends had decided to eat out and drink together at a spot not too far from the campus.

This way they could somewhat spend their holidays together before they actually have to leave for the holidays to see their families. Including Levi, who had planned to spend it with his mother (and uncle).

"Aww c'mon, don't be like that! One of you have got to make a move sooner or later. Plus, wouldn't it be sweet for her to know that you'd been thinking about her?" They argue, thinking about it, he decides to comply.

Already walking off "Fine. Just don't follow me." "Aw but I wanna see her!" "Too bad." They follow him anyway "I'll just wait outside then! Then I'll leave once I know you've asked her!"

Clicking his tongue in agreement, they both head their way to the little café he was ever so familiar with.

-------------------

It was a busier day than usual. Though, it's to be expected due to the cold weather. It just makes people want to sit down and drink their coffee or hot cocoa, warming up their systems.

As you give the last customer in line their coffee, you hear the door open. Looking up to welcome them in, seeing who it was, a brighter smile was presented, almost as if it was an instinct.

Walking up to the counter Levi was understandably nervous, he even considered bailing on the idea now that he's here. But seeing your bright excited smile as he entered the door kept him in motion.

"Levi! Having a nice evening?" A tug at the corner of his lips made your heart pound, "Yeah." Cutting his answer short, his mind too busy to think on how he should pop the question.

"What is today?" "My usual coffee, take out, please." Nodding and grabbing a cup, you start making his usual. Looking back at Hange, they gesture him to stop stalling. You catch him looking out the door to see a tall individual with glasses.

"Is that the friend you've been waiting for all these days?" Your smile lightly calming down "O-oh no.. they're actually.." stopping himself in his tracks, air getting caught in his throat.

"I actually wanted to ask you something." "Oh? What is it?" Your attention shifting to him. "My friend.. And I wanted to ask you- if you'd like to join us for a gathering we're having. W-we'll be eating out together before we leave for the holidays." Not knowing where his eyes should look, he didn't look up until he finished his question.

Seeing your face, visibly shocked but not displeased, a bit flushed. Your eyes soften at that thought, he wanted you to come with? To spend time with you? You couldn't hold back your soft and sweet smile at his offer, what would be the point? Hiding your joy would be pointless.

Taking a look at your face, your initial reaction to the soft look you gave him. He was growing confident, maybe this wouldn't end up blowing up in his face and ruining his relationship with you.

Until your facial expression showed a bit of annoyance, a customer had fallen in line behind Levi with her kid. While the kid seemed rather patient, taking a look at the cakes in the display the mother look impatient and annoyed. "Uh- I'm sorry, Levi. Could you stand over there for a moment" gesturing to the end of the counter "I'll get your coffee ready in a minute."

With that, worry immediately washed over him. Did he say something wrong? Was he too straightforward? Did he mess up? He does as you ask and step aside, too occupied with his thoughts to realize that small flash of annoyance was in no way meant for him.

After dealing with the lady and her daughter, you walk over to Levi, his freshly made cup of coffee. "Sorry about that.. here, your coffee." Seeing his worried expression you give him a reassuring smile, your hand lingering on his as you hand him his coffee.

"Thank you so much for the invitation, Levi. That's very sweet of you." Your face showed a light flush. "It's a really busy day so- don't throw away the cardboard cup sleeve, I don't want to stop this here.." still a small bit stuck in his thoughts, he replies, "A-alright.. Thanks." Giving him another reassuring smile he heads his way to the door meeting up with the friend still outside.

"Looked like it went well!" Hange said joyfully as Levi left the café. "I don't know.. maybe it wasn't the best day to ask her, she seemed occupied." He doubtfully thought, "Huh? She seemed pleased! What are you talking about? Plus, she wrote something on your cup didn't she?" They noted in a curious tone, pointing at his cup.

Catching his attention, he takes a look at his cup and they were right, there was something written on the cup sleeve:

"I'd love to ♡ text me the details!"

was written in black marker followed by your number.

A visible yet faint blush was spread across Levi's face. He hadn't mess up, you don't hate him, you wanted to spend time with him. "Aha! See! Isn't this great?" Hange said enthusiastically, interrupting Levi's train of thought.

"..Yeah"

I'd love to♡

Yeah, this is great.

--------------------

Standing outside by the entrance of your building you stood there waiting for Levi. Having talked about it beforehand you both had decided he would just pick you up and walk with you to a small KBBQ place, just a few minutes away from the campus.

Levi wasn't the biggest fan of smelling smoke as he ate but compared to the rest of the 'cook-it-yourself' places around, this place had better ventilation, a cleaner surrounding and a decent price.

[6:03pm] Levi: Just stay by the entrance inside your building. I'm almost there.

Y/n: Alright! :)

[6:04pm] Levi: Be safe.

He's so sweet.

The weather was nice this evening. It was calm, and the wind wasn't unbearably cold, it was nice. Seeing a familiar figure across the street turning the corner, you face showed excitement as Levi lightly waved seeing you by the door.

Exiting your building you meet with Levi outside the doors, greeting him with a smile "Lead the way!" softly smiling back at you he starts to walk, making sure you're close to him. "It's not far, stay close.. okay?"

Matching his pace to stay close to him, you walk together in tranquility, engaging in peaceful conversations, asking about how they'll spend their break. It all felt natural, makes you wish that KBBQ place wasn't just 20 minutes away.

--------------------

Nearing the restaurant you see the silhouette of a tall, blonde man standing by the entrance. As both of you walk up to him, he greets you with a friendly smile and wave.

"Hello, you must be Y/n, right? I'm Erwin, It's nice to finally meet you." He greets to which to you reply "It's nice to meet you too!" he must be one of Levi's friends who would join us- stopping your thoughts you think back to what he said:

"..nice to finally meet you."

Finally? Has Levi been talking about you? You felt a light blush at the thought, thinking about me?  It was nice to think that he'd be thinking about you, after all, you'd been thinking of him too.

"Follow me, we already have a table." Walking inside gesturing for both of you to join, Erwin leads you to a reserved table. Seated at the table were 4 people, one of which you've seen outside the café, the day Levi invited you to eat out with his friends.

As you approach the table you were quickly greeted with hello's and nice to meet you's. Sitting down next to next to the familiar face, they introduced themselves.

"It's nice to see you again! I'm Hange!" "Oh yeah, you were standing outside the café that day, why didn't you come in?" you asked out of curiosity, "Oh I promised Levi I'd wait for him outside while he asked you out!" They gladly explained, lowering their volume to just about a whisper to continue "Y'know.. I was the one who suggested to invite you, Levi can be quite a shy one." They smirked which followed a chuckle.

Looking over at Levi to see some sort of confirmation. All you saw cute pink blush that ran across his face, him looking forward to either avoid eye contact or pretend like he didn't hear, either way, it was adorable.

"Anyway, it's nice to meet you! I'm Nanaba, this is Miche and that's Moblit." Nanaba had introduced going down the line.

"It's nice to meet you all." you simply said, "though.. I can't help but notice, it doesn't seem like you guys extended the invitation to anyone else. Why extend it to me?" as much as you enjoyed sitting here with Levi and his friends you couldn't help but wonder why, couldn't help but want to know it straight, said to your face.

"Because we want to get to know you." Levi admittedly explains, though he feels he wants to get to know you more than anyone else here. His friends nodding in agreement, some smirking at both yours and Levi's oblivious interactions.

Clinking your glasses filled with alcohol the night went on filled with laughter and nonsense. You kept your alcohol intake low knowing you'd obviously still need to go home and you'd rather go home walking than slumping on some poor person's shoulder.

As minutes to hours pass by, sharing stories that brought out laughter which rang around the room. Soon enough it was nearing midnight and some of you were a bit tipsy, some more than others, though you kept yourself your little promise of not going home a blackout drunk.

You weren't drunk but you were tipsy enough to be not be embarrassed if you were to spill some truth about your feelings. After the bill was paid, stuff gathered, and as they walk their way to the door Hange proposes an idea to Levi.

"Y'knowww.. Y/n would really appreciate it if you walked her home.. can't let anything happen to her ya'know.." Clicking his tongue at the smell of alcohol in their breath "What? Did you think I was just gonna let her walk home alone? It's almost 11."

Miche budges in abruptly "Is that why you barely drank?" clearly to tease the man. Overhearing the conversation without really thinking you cling onto his arm "I'm not that tipsy.. but I'd love the company.." a light pink was present across your cheeks, you couldn't tell if it was the alcohol or the blatant confession.

"Even if you were completely sober, I'd still walk you home." He'd love to.

--------------------

There were lots of stars out, nice view. The cool breeze, the bright moon, it was all so beautiful. "When are you gonna leave..?" Catching his attention, "Hm?" "to visit your mom?" you weren't exactly sure why you wanted to know, he did say he was coming back, maybe you just didn't want the night to end yet.

"Tomorrow. I'll be leaving in the morning, why?" he asked back, "Nothing.. just curious." Looking up you see the moon in that navy blue sky, it gave you an idea. Walking into your building you were still gripping his arm, not as tight as when you were out on the street but you didn't exactly plan on letting go just yet.

"Do you mind staying for a bit?" Embarrassed to ask but you did anyway. Taken aback "What? Why? Are you not feeling well?" he asks with a flustered and concerned tone. "No it's not.. you don't have to- I just.." you could feel the alcohol help you speak the truth "..wanna spend more time with you."

It felt like his brain stopped for a moment, did she just..?, but in reality it was racing with thoughts to the point where he didn't even notice. Scared of his silence you ditch the idea just as quick as you proposed it, practically interrupting yourself. "Sorry- sorry, I didn't mean to be- I didn't mean it like that-" apologies and explanations start to leave your mouth all at the same time.

"No, it's alright. I-I know what you meant.. I don't mind." holding back his stutters fairly well the blush spreading towards his ears were as evident as ever. "What? Really?" thank god he didn't take it the wrong way, "Tch," avoiding eye contact and walking toward the elevators "you want my company or not?" "Very much.."

On your way up to your room there was a sense of familiarity and comfort, even though the signs of success were there, you weren't exactly sure what you were so nervous about. Maybe you were sobering up quicker than you thought, it's not all bad though.. You didn't exactly want him to just deal with you drunk, you didn't want him to see you that way.

--------------------

Taking out your keys, opening the door and letting both of you in, you turn on the light and offer him a drink as you open your fridge "Sit down, do you want anything to drink?" "How the hell would I know what's in your fridge?" He says dryly

"Heh- that's fair, hot cocoa then?" Giving a simple nod at your offer you take out two mugs and start to warm up some milk. "Sorry it's just hot cocoa mix and milk." You apologize for no apparent reason other than to avoid the awkward silence.

"That's fine, how do you think I make my hot cocoa?" he asks sarcastically, "with fresh cocoa beans fresh from the tree" you retort jokingly, laughing a little. Surprisingly, he giggles along, making your heart flutter.

Looking at the clock as you pour the milk into the powder, 11:27pm, you interrupt the silence once again with an apology "Sorry.. I know you have you leave in the morning.." you remind yourself as you add a few marshmallows to your cups, walking up to him to give him his drink, "Why do you keep apologizing? I meant it when I said I wanted to be here." He reminds you as he takes the cup out of your hands, unable to hold back a smile the tension on your shoulders loosen, relaxing at his remark.

"If it doesn't bother you.." grabbing the blankets off the couch and opening the window "the nights beautiful.. and the view is better on the roof.." seeing the confusion on his face, you explain in a simple manner "don't worry, it'll be quick and the roof's actually pretty clean. Stargazing on the roof is actually pretty calming."

Trusting your rather odd offer you set your mugs on the counter next to the window to easily step out onto the fire escape. Once both of you had exited you grab both your mugs through the window and head up the steps leading to the roof

"Y'know I didn't expect having to climb out a window today." "Honestly I didn't expect to be stargazing with you, but it's not so bad is it?" "No, no it's not."

--------------------

Reaching the roof you set 1 of the blankets down to avoid sitting directly on the roof.

Sitting down you pat the spot next to you asking him to sit down, doing as you request, he settles beside you holding onto his hot cocoa for warmth "The second blanket is for us, no secret that it's gonna get chilly." You explained, casually wrapping it around both of you, what a bold move.

You smile at him, showing fulfillment and joy. The smiled you both see around each other always show honesty, such a simple gesture can convey so much. Now under the moonlight, snuggled together close, his heart couldn't handle how lovely it felt. You could've sworn you saw his eye water a little, that or the light of the moon glistened brighter than usual.

Looking up at the stars, admiring their light and formations, sipping on your warm drink, the air in your lungs start to lock up. Exhaling a breath you didn't know you were keeping in, the comfortable silence was broken with emotions put into words.

"Other than a ball of fire a huge distance away, do you think they can be anything else?"

"I don't know." he answered with simplicity and honesty.

"You ever wonder how long the stars have been here?"

"Not really, I don't look up at the sky that often. But I'm sure they've been here for a while."

Say it.

"I'd happily wait a billion years to see you."

Taken by surprise, he swings his head to take a look at you.

"..whether it be coming to the café, picking me up, coming home from a trip or seeing you in another life. I'll be here, waiting for you to come home. You wouldn't ever have to second guess it, because I'll be here, loving every second of it."

Looking up at him, to pour your heart out. "Because every second of it, I'll be loving you."

Letting out a shaky breath, holding you closer, softly yet firmly holding onto your hand, letting out the simple truth.

"That and so much more is the reason why I can say: I love you too."

[hikarimiyanaga]

I'll Always Be Yours Pt. 2

Pt. 1

Second Song: Eroplanong Papel (Paper Airplane)

You finally leave Russia to go to America and try to find the love of your life.

An update!?

I just need to write three more songs and I will finally finish this series. And while doing that I'm also writing a Wanda fanfic too.

.....

I'm suddenly writing fanfics again, considering that there's like a hundred plots waiting for me in my phone.

*shrugs*

Oh well. Inspiration hits when Inspiration hits.

Warning : More Angst

Wait, don't be filled with misery

The hope you dream of will also come

Isn't it enough that you have love

In your heart that is irreplaceable?

You smiled

-

You yawn as you go through the mall. You’ve finally decided to come to America to hopefully find Natalia. It’s been a week since you’ve got here.

“Y/N?” A hopeful voice calls out your name and you turn eagerly… only to be met by fangirls.

“Yes. It’s me.” They squeal and ask for photos, which you oblige to. When they leave, you sigh in relief.

“Rough girls?” You grin as you face Silvia. She’s your bodyguard who doesn’t really stop fangirls because she’s one of them. She’s been a fan of your paintings since you started.

“Not really. Just… America is intense.” Silvia scoffs at that.

“More intense than Russia?” You laugh at that and shake your head.

“Than Philippines.”

“Ah.” You hum and the two of you begin walking again. As you walk by a fountain, you could see that it’s base was occupied by couples. And you can’t help but remember her.

Her soft lips that you can’t get enough of. Her hands that seemed to mold with yours. Her sexy body that you can’t stop worshipping. Her voice that pants out your name. Her laugh that you could equivalate to heaven.

A single lone tear escapes your eye and Silvia eyes you worriedly. You quickly wipe the tear away and wave away her concern. And then you smile. Those memories… you hope to make them anew and add even more to them. God, you hope you’re not too late.

-

Blow the wind in your hand cold

Moaning voice, in my hearing

Your thoughts and feelings will fly away

Can it still get to her side?

You close your eyes

-

It’s winter now. You write in your journal. You decided to let Silvia on her own vacation after she spent the last five months with you just roaming around on this country. You blow into your gloved hands, hoping to ease the cold. You were in Alaska and it was cold as fuck. Damn.

Journal, it’s been months since I’ve been here… Can I ever find her? Is there hope? Even if there isn’t. I just want to see her one more time. To remember why I wake up every day. Why I still wait for her heart to come back to mine. I don’t care if she’s happy with another person or if she’s forgotten me. Just please. Let me see her. Let me see the love of my life.

You whine as you put your pen down. That’s it. Tomorrow, you’re leaving… Is this why your mom makes sure to leave Russia when winter comes around? Goddamn, you’re lucky she always takes you to the Philippines for Christmas. You read over your words and close the journal. You close your eyes and hope the words reach her.

‘Please, whoever the fuck I have to believe I will believe. Just. Let me see her again.’

-

If my prayers are not heard

Reach out at every moment

I have to shout, I'm yours

The prayer of the heart is you

-

You’re in Los Angeles now. You’ve been here for three days and you’ve been drunk every single night. It was a temporary high, you know, but it makes you forget about her even if it’s just for the night. You stumble upon your hotel room and reach the balcony. You’re not that drunk to think to jump off from the 15th floor but you’re that drunk to shout out your frustrations.

“GODDAMN IT!” You shout and no one replies, only various car noises and loud music. “JUST ONCE! FUCKING HELL! I JUST NEED TO SEE HER AGAIN!” You didn’t care if it was hurting your voice. You wanted to do something to ease the pain you’ve been feeling. You sob as you slide down on the floor. “I JUST WANT TO SEE NATALIA AGAIN!” You punch the floor and wince as your fist connected to the solid rock. “I’M STILL YOURS, NATALIA! PLEASE!” You breakdown and sob as you hug your knees to your chest.

Damn it. It was the only thing your heart wanted. Her. So why can’t you find her?

“Goddamn it.” You say and you sob again.

-

Wait, don't hold back your tears

Your feelings will rise to the ceased destiny

Your palm will reach the desire

Can it still get to her side?

You close your eyes

-

You were now in a random mall. You took a deep breath when you see her red hair. You were about to call out when she kisses the man behind her and all of your words. Your declarations of love get stuck in your throat. And all you can think about-

“Oh.” You say then you laugh. Many people look at you but not her. Never her. It seems that she has really forgot you. Your tears fall down before you can even stop and you cover your mouth to not let the sobs out. Then you realize… was it really her? You stop outside and you see them both get into the car. You meet her eyes for a second and all you could see was unfamiliar. She was not yours anymore. She’s not the Natalia you always knew. The Natalia that you’ve loved. But as the man pulls away from the parking lot, you hold a fist over your heart… Because damn it. She really does still have that effect on you. You close your eyes as you hear their car drive away. You let the pain wash over your whole body and you kneel.

You finally saw Natalia again… But she was not yours anymore. You sob louder this time as you make your way to your car. You lock it and sob your heart out.

-

And with every stiffness of my resentment

You will not be approached

I’ll Just beg

If my prayers are not heard

Reach out at every moment

I have to shout, I'm yours

The prayer of the heart is you

-

You stand outside the Avengers Compound and sigh. You researched on her. She goes by Natasha now. You resent her. You gave away your life for her. Every single time that people begged you to let her go and you still held on. You gave away every single year just to fucking wait for her. To make sure that she has someone to go home to. And she was here. Enjoying life with Steve Rogers. The wonder boyfriend. Captain America himself. You scoff as you let the pain take over your heart.

“Hello?” You turn and see Steve Fucking Rogers himself approach you. He’s holding bags of groceries and you smile sadly at him. “Can I help you, ma’am?” He asks politely and you almost punch him… but you knew that it wouldn’t do anything. He’s a super soldier for fuck’s sake… and you… you’re just you. Nothing but a past memory and a phantom from her previous life.

“Just.” You pause as you try to get the words out. “Please. Take care of her.” He tilts his head in confusion.

“Who?”

“Nat.” You grin.

“Oh. Do you know her?” You shake your head at him and begin walking away. Tears fall down as you walk away from the compound’s gates.

-

“Well, that was weird.” Steve says as he steps into the kitchen.

“What was?” Natasha asks as she eats the remaining sandwich that she got herself.

“There was someone outside. A woman.”

“And?”

“She was just staring at the compound when I arrived. Then she asked me to take care of you.”

“What? Me?”

“Yeah. Nat can only be you, right?” She drops her sandwich and grabs Steve’s collars.

“What direction did she go?” Steve furrows his brows at her behavior.

“To the park? Do you know her?” Natasha nods and quickly gets her jacket and wait for the elevator to take her down.

“I think so!” She answers as the doors closes.

-

She runs to the park and tries to find you. She smiles as she spots your hooded figure. She runs to you but she slowly comes to a stop as she hears you sing. And oh was your voice beautiful to her ears. But your tone… You were crying as you sang.

You let the music drown out your pain and you begin singing along as you cry. It was as if these lyrics were made for you. You sang in Filipino as you learned it in all your trips there.

Natasha cries silently as she listens to your broken voice. Your quiet sobs and hiccups. What has she done? Why didn’t she come for you sooner? She’s always thought that you were better off without her. That being with her meant that you were also in danger. But as you sit there, singing while crying, she couldn’t help but want to punch herself. You’re crying. And goddamn it, if you were not beautiful. Natasha never forgot you.

She sits besides you and you don’t notice, still wanting to get all of your pain out before you go back. Before you paint again. You finally stop and pant.

“Nice song.” She says but you don’t answer. You were still trying to catch your breath. And she let you rest before talking again. “Y/N.” She calls out but you don’t answer again. Were you avoiding her? She then notices the earphones on your ears and how she can faintly hear music. God. How loud was the thing?

You close your eyes and sigh. She takes an earphone out and you flinch away as you stand. Who the fuc-? Your words die on your mouth, the moment you see her.

“Nat.” You say softly and she smiles at you.

“Y/N.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted-“

“It’s too late, Nat.” She flinches and you take a step back. You run a hand through your hair. “You should go back and I will too.” You put on your hoodie and power walk away from her.

Nat was about to go after you when her phone suddenly rings. She sighs and answers it when she sees that it’s Fury.

A/N:

I'm not crying, you are. Also, no one can stop me from killing myself with Angst.

I'm considering of posting for everyday if possible? Considering I'm going to be home, doing absolutely nothing since Professor are actually considerate for our health... Which is new.

So if I do finish some time this day or next week, then everyday it is.

[let-me-luve-you]

Trip to the North Pole

Dad!Jensen x Reader

SPN Christmas Bingo 2020

Summary: Jensen promises his children to go see Santa.

Warnings: Angst, Workaholic Jensen, some fluff

MASTERLIST

SPN Christmas Bingo 2020

Jensen didn’t plan on being busy during the months of November and December. He had finished filming a movie at the very beginning of December. He was recording for his new album. He was working for his new production company and trying to bring in two new shows. He rarely spent time with his family. 

You tried to include Jensen in the family Christmas activities, but he just couldn’t find time. You were surprised he could find time to eat and sleep. So far he missed putting up the Christmas lights, picking out a tree and decorating it, making Christmas cookies and candies, and he missed the family slumber party where you gave the kids their Christmas pajamas and watched a Christmas movie.

Jensen begged you to wait on taking the kids to see Santa. Hadley was 4, the twins Tristan and Raelyn were 2, and Lyndon was 3 months. He had missed seeing Santa in the past due to filming for Supernatural, but he didn’t want to miss this year. It was a week before Christmas, and Jensen still hadn’t taken the kids to see Santa at the mall.

“Jensen babe, the kids keep asking when they get to go see Santa. They’re afraid they won’t get anything if they don’t see him.” You said as you walked into the office.

“I promise I’ll take them. I just have meetings all day today and tomorrow. I’ll take them this weekend.” Jensen said. You sighed.

“We can’t. We are going to my family this weekend, remember?” You looked at him as his head fell.

“I forgot. I’ll take them right when we get back Sunday.” He said as he stood up and walked up to you. He kissed your head and then walked back to his desk. You walked out of the room to go break the news to your kids. 

“Hey bubs and bubettes, Daddy will take you this weekend when we get back from Grams and Pops house.” You said as they all stopped playing and looked at you. They looked so defeated because they were hoping to go today. “I promise babies. Daddy will take you Sunday.” 

They smiled at you and then moved on to continue playing with their toys. You moved to the kitchen to start working on dinner. You occasionally looked up at the children and would smile as they talked with each other and would laugh. Jensen was missing out on so much and he didn’t even know it.

Sunday morning came and the kids ran into your room and jumped on your bed. 

“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Wake up! We get to see Santa today!” Tristan yelled as he shook you awake. His two sisters bouncing up and down next to him. You smiled at them. You turned your head to where your husband normally lays and his side was empty. You internally sighed knowing he was already working. 

“Okay. Okay. I’m up. Let’s turn on a movie for you to watch as Mommy gets Lyndon fed and ready and gets herself ready. What do you want to watch? Frosty the Snowman or Rudolph?”

“RUDOLPH!” All three yelled. You smiled and put the movie on the tv. You walked to Lyndon’s room and saw him lying awake in his crib.

“Hi baby. How are you this morning?” You cooed at him. He smiled big showing off his gums. “Is my baby boy hungry?” You said as you unbutton the first few buttons of Jensen’s shirt you were wearing. Lyndon latched on to your breast and started eating. You walked down the hall to Jensen’s office as he fed. 

Jensen didn’t look up as you walked in. You watched him from the doorway. His eyebrows set in a frown as he pushed his fingers into his temples to release some pressure. You knew he had been working hard on all his projects. Sometimes he put too much of himself in his work. You walked towards him. He finally looked up at you and smiled. He pushed himself away from the desk and pulled you and your youngest son down in his lap.

“You amaze me everyday.” He said as he kissed your shoulder and then looked at his son. He gently put his hand on Lyndon’s head and moved his thumb softly against his hair. “I’m so lucky to call you my wife and their father.” 

You smiled at him, “I’m the lucky one.” You leaned over and kissed him. “They are lucky to have you as a father. Someone who works so hard so they can live the best possible life. Someone who cares and listens to them. They love you so much.”

“They won’t after I break this horrible news to them.” He sighed. “I messed up Y/N/N. I.. I waited too long. Santa isn’t at the mall anymore.” He looked defeated. You couldn’t imagine how he was feeling. He was trying so hard to be the perfect husband, father, and worker. “They are going to be so disappointed.”

“Hey. It’s okay. We can figure something out.” You were internally upset. If he would have just set a little time aside, this wouldn’t be a problem, but you also know how hard he was working to provide for his family. Lyndon finished eating and pulled away. Jensen reached for Lyndon and the burp towel on your shoulder. He started patting him on the back. You fixed your shirt back. 

“I’m going to go shower and get ready and then get the kids ready. You figure something out. I’ll tell them we are seeing Santa tonight.” You said. “Is Lyndon good to stay with you?” Jensen nodded as he held his son close to his chest as he fell asleep. 

“Yeah I got him. Little man can help me brainstorm.” He smiled at you. You walked out of the room.

Jensen watched his son sleep. Guilt filling his body as he thinks about his kids not seeing Santa this year. He grabbed his phone and dialed Jared’s number. He listened to it ring a few times before he heard a hello.

“Man I messed up. The kids will hate me.” He said quietly so he wouldn’t disturbed the sleeping baby.

“What? They won’t hate you Jense.” Jared replied. “Hadley adores you, Tristan looks up to you, and Raelyn thinks you are the greatest thing to walk this earth. And I know you are the only one, besides Y/N, that Lyndon will calm down for. Nothing will make them hate you.”

“I promised them we’d go see Santa. I begged Y/N to let me take them this year. I waited too long because I’ve had so many meetings and studio sessions. The mall doesn’t have Santa anymore.” Jensen sighed. Jared heard the defeated tone when Jensen spoke. He sighed knowing how much the kids were looking forward to it. His kids loved seeing Santa.

“Shit man, I’m sorry. What’s your plan now?” Jared asked.

“I don’t know. Hoping maybe you had an idea.” Jensen said hopefully.

“I have one.” Jensen heard a voice. “We decorated the outside in a North Pole theme.” Gen said. “Who wants to dress up as Santa? Jared?” Jared nodded and then said sure.

“I mean Jensen did promise his kids he would be there.” Jared said. “How about this. Bring the kids by around 6. They can see Santa and then we can grab dinner together and drive the kids around to see the Christmas lights.”

“Jare, that’s a great idea. Is that okay with you Gen?” Jensen asked. Hope filled his chest.

“That sounds like a perfect night. Is Y/N going to be okay with it?” Gen asked.

Jensen kissed Lyndon’s head as he started to whimper. “Shh. It’s okay little man.” he said quietly to his son, but Jared and Gen heard and smiled. “Yeah she’ll be okay with it. See you at 6.” He said as he hung up with his best friends.

Later that night, with the kids dressed up in their Christmas sweaters buckled into their car seats, Jensen pulled the suburban into Jared’s driveway. 

“Why are we at Uncle Jared’s?” Hadley asked. 

You turned towards her, “We are going to see Santa.” Your kids looked confused as Jensen got out and opened the back door to help the kids get out of their carseats. You got Lyndon out and carried him around the car to stand by Jensen. All four kids were looking around in awe at the decorations. You noticed they added more decorations from the last time you were here. And that was four days ago.

“This place looks amazing!” Raelyn yelled. Tristan grabbed Jensen’s hand and started to bounce.

“I’m so excited. Let’s go find Santa.” Tristan said as he pulled Jensen’s hand. Hadley and Raelyn followed.

Gen walked up dressed in a Christmas sweater with her three kids following. “Who is excited to see Santa?” She asked with enthusiasm. All six yelled as the baby just cooed. Gen led the group to the giant chair where you saw Jared dressed as a Santa. You stifled your laugh since the kids didn’t see that it was their Uncle Jared.

“HO HO HO! Merry Christmas little ones.” Jared said in a deep voice. “Who’s up first?” All the kids lifted their hands. All the adults laughed.

“Daddy. Can I go first?” Raelyn asked quietly. Jensen nodded as he watched his youngest daughter walk over to Santa hesitantly before she turned and ran to Jensen crying. “Daddy I don’t want to.” Jensen wrapped his arms around her. He nodded at Gen to let her kids go first.

“It’s okay baby girl. Santa won’t hurt you.” He whispered as she hid in his chest. Raelyn being scared made Tristan and Hadley timid. “You’ve seen Santa before. He’s nice.” He ran his hand over her hair trying to calm her down. “Hadley, do you want to go?” She nodded. 

Jensen watched Hadley walk up to Santa. He smiled down at her and picked her up to set him in his lap. Jensen turned back to his youngest. He pulled her face away from his chest and wiped away her tears. “Daddy, I’m scared.” She said with more tears falling down her face and bottom lip sticking out. 

“I’ve got you. Daddy won’t let anything happen to you.” Jensen said as he picked her up and stood up to his full height. “I promise you nothing will hurt you. You don’t have to be scared.” He turned Raelyn to see Hadley hopping down from Santa’s lap and saw Tristan crawling up talking Santa’s ear off. “See baby. Hadley did it. Tristan is doing it.” 

“It’s not scary at all Rae. I did it. He smells just like Uncle Jared.” She said. Gen heard and laughed. “I’ll go with you. Come on.” She reached for Raelyn’s hand as Jensen sat her down. Hadley tried to lead her to Santa. 

“I want Daddy to come with me.” She looked up at him. He nodded and walked with her. He turned to see you watching with love in your eyes. Tristan and Hadley stood next to you. Jensen pointed at Lyndon and curled his finger as saying ‘bring him here.’ You handed Lyndon off and went back to your other children. 

“Hi Raelyn.” Santa said. “What can I get you for Christmas?” Raelyn looked scared but then pulled Santa’s head down to her level as she whispered. Jensen strained to hear but he couldn’t. “That’s an awfully nice gift. I will see what I can do. Is there anything else you want?” Raelyn shook her head. 

Before she could hop off Santa’s lap, you walked up with your other two children. “Picture time everybody.” Hadley and Tristan crawled into Santa’s lap. Somehow all fitting. Jared reached for Lyndon and held him as Jensen took a step back and watched as you grabbed a few photos of the kids with Santa. They all hopped down and ran to play with Gen’s kids. You pushed Jensen towards Jared. “I’m not missing out on this opportunity. Go sit in Santa’s lap and I’ll get a picture.” 

Jensen groaned as Jared laughed. Jared handed off Lyndon to Gen before turning to Jensen and saying, “Come here adult child and tell me what you want for Christmas.” Jensen rolled his eyes but sat on Jared’s lap anyways. Both smiled for the camera. “Raelyn wants to spend more time with you. That’s what she whispered in my ear.” Jared said quietly to Jensen. Jensen looked down at him. Pain filled his chest as he felt he failed his children. 

He got up and walked away for a second to gather himself before walking back to the group. You looked at him in worry but he shook off your look and walked to the kids. “Come on kids. It’s me and you tonight while Mom, Aunt Gen, and Uncle Jared figure out where we are going for dinner. Let’s go walk around the yard to see all the lights.” Jensen grabbed Raelyn and put her on his shoulders, holding onto her legs. She smiled and wrapped her tiny arms around his head and neck to hold on.

Jared filled you in on the conversation, but when you looked over at Jensen, he was laughing and smiling at spending time with his children. You knew that this wasn’t the typical Santa meet and greet the kids, or Jensen, wanted, but you knew this was going to be a night to remember. One that also causes Jensen to take more breaks from work.

[draken-rotzi]

Bug Man x Reader Part One*

Read on AO3

SO, wanted to write something of this topic bc we all need some more Musical!BJ in our lives, it’s a nice comfort ngl, I enjoyed writing it and hope you do too c:

(Got carried away so here's the first half while I edit the second one in the meantime, it takes a bit to get to the main part we all want to read forgive mE it's better in th next one believeme)

I'd love some feedback since I haven't written anything since 2019 ;v; some wordings might seem odd since my brain speaks spanish first english second

Summary; Old boring university life and a broken but hopeful heart meet the supernatural and whacky demon/ghost with the most, reader-chan needs to get out from a toxic relationship and what's a better help than a magic dead man? Cutting ties might seem easier when someone else arrives and flips your world upside down with no warning.

Mostly fluff, bits of angst l8r

Female reader, but tried to not give any other specifics to the character themselves, OCs appear

It was a fresh autumn afternoon, birds still chirped before migrating to warmer areas for the winter, the wind was cold but nice, not yet freezing but enough for people to wear light coats. You sit on a school desk, a class about taxes and fees, you drift off a bit looking at the window while half-listening.

You lived in a medium but popular city, it was a great place, with nice, kind people for the most part, huge malls, restaurants and lots of places to go out with friends or alone.

...

"Miss ___? Care to answer this equation here for the class?" The teacher asks, a tall, slender woman that radiated authority, it made some students shiver in times like this with a direct question.

"Oh? Yeah- sure miss Adams" You replied, while trying not to look confused since you just missed the topic, hopefully you remembered from the last lesson by the time you walked up to the blackboard and took the marker to write.

...

After class, you were walking with your friends to the cafeteria next to the main exit to wait for an uber to arrive; your side job as a freelance wasn't good enough yet to afford a car, but it helped pay the bills and to have enough for a bit more more than the basic needs.

Your two best friends at college were Itai and Rob. Itai was a funny dude, with a darker tone on his skin, not so tall and full of charisma. Rob was a bit more collected, but still a lot of fun to be around, being the voice of reason for you three most of the time, emphasis in most, because sometimes he got carried away too.

"Man I hate that class, I don't understand a thing! Why do we even need math?" Itai tells the group, sounding annoyed as usual, he was a simple guy, but simple guys need a degree too, to secure a better job.

"Well if you paid attention instead of eating that cold baguette in class you won't be that confused my man" Rob replies, laughing a bit at the end

"At least you weren't asked to do math in front of the class" You sigh, putting down your backpack and sitting on a table next to the building's exit, looking at your phone to know how much time was left for the driver to arrive, around 10 minutes.

"Yeah everyone felt so bad for you, but hey, if you’ll be daydreaming at least look at the front instead of the window next time, it might help you" Rob said while opening a bottle of apple juice, his favorite, he wouldn't drink any other thing, he was probably 60% apple juice after years of drinking it that often.

A few minutes passed by, the three friends chatting about the day's events, their plans for the weekend, and how to get the next assignment done. A figure appeared behind you putting a hand on your shoulders.

"Well hello ladies!" A man chirped, you turned around laughing softly

"Hey yourself!" you replied "Already off?"

"Yeah I've got the last hour free so I'm gonna head out to Kris' place, we'll play some games and work on that big project I told you the other day"

"Great, have fun! You say hi to Kris from me yeah?"

"Sure thing, see you later!" He says with a squeeze of his hand on your shoulder, then a quick pat on the head, turning around to leave.

"Bye, take care Nick!" you say as the man walks out of the cafeteria's door waving a hand.

Silence lingers for a bit until Itai breaks it

"Hey so, you're still going out with him?" He says with a crooked smile and a nervous look, Rob has a similar expression

"Yeeeah... it's been okay for some time now, you know? Hah" You look down for a second, pondering "Maybe this time is the good run?" Uncertainty fills the question, but you still smile to your friends.

Nikolas wasn't the model boyfriend, at least not for your friends; he was full of sweet words, hugs and kisses, only in private places though. When it came to the campus he treated you just like any other friend.

There was a small reason, according to him, he wanted to wait a bit more to make it public, get to know each other better, just to be certain from both sides.

That was the excuse a year ago.

It wasn't like he was out and flirting with other people, not at all, but one could expect to be treated like a love partner after so much time and moments together, you’ve gone to the movies, to dinner, to each other's houses, hell your families knew you two were dating, it just wasn't more than the bare minimum from him, seemed more like a thing someone does if they have free time, not make time for that thing, the thing being the relationship.

It seemed to be only a problem of neglect and apathy, probably, though you were so dumbly in love with him at first, you have been hoping and asking for a change since the relationship escalated to more than just holding hands and light kisses.

"I don't think anything's gonna change, he's been stalling for a whole year now" Itai mumbled, looking at Rob, he nodded in agreement

"Yeah, just dump him already, you deserve way better, you give him everything you got and he just throws the leftovers at you."

"I guess, but we're going out this weekend! You know he doesn't like going out often"

"With you" Rob adds

You hesitate a reply, it was true, most of the times you asked him to go out for a change, he was either too busy or decided to change the event the same day, turning it into a make out session in his house every time. Even though you saw each other 2 days every week, you have seen him go out with his friends more often, on actual enrichment outside activities.

"I know..." you sigh " I'll think about it, I'll try to talk with him about it next time”

Both of your friends let out a small groan of annoyance, they knew you weren't gonna do it, or that he'll just brush it off as always, between the lines of 'oh you're overreacting'

"Ah my ride's here!" You got up from the table and grabbed your backpack, tossing it over one shoulder.

"See he can't even give you a lift to your place!" Itai teased, they knew how you felt about the whole situation, but joking around sometimes made it a bit less bitter.

"Ha-ha, you know we live in opposite ends of the city! Besides none of you give me a ride either" you said while sticking a tongue out on your way outside the cafeteria

"Yeah because you live at the ends of the earth for some weird reason!" Rob joked back

Everyone said their quick goodbyes, and after a calm ride back home you remembered something just as you were locking the door, tossing your backpack into the living room’s couch you walked over to your room.

You flopped onto the bed, looking at your phone you opened some pending messages on the family group chat, apparently a distant relative of yours had died, and the family was gonna hold a small funeral tomorrow morning on the local cemetery, you didn’t enjoy those kind of events since you’d get really emotional, but since it was something really small, no more than 20 people, it was private and most likely no strangers would see you cry over someone you barely knew.

Tomorrow was saturday so it was okay to spend one free morning humoring your family.

After some mindless browsing on your phone, it was already 12:30am, you haven’t even got off your sneakers since you got home, you did a quick self-cleanup in the bathroom, tossing today’s clothes to the side to change into an oversized shirt with no pants as a makeup pijamas, it got a bit warmer in the afternoon so you wanted to enjoy wearing something light before winter fully arrived, getting under the sheets and you were out fast, maybe from all the overthinking of what’d tomorrow might bring, you’ve forgotten what are funerals like.

But there was certainly no way you’d know what would happen at all the next day

...

The event was simple, thankfully there was not much crying, seemed like everyone accepted already what had happened, some kind of illness you heard, at least they weren’t suffering anymore and they’ve come to terms with everyone close to them, that was nice you thought, it sure felt a bit heavy in there, as usual for funerals. After the ceremony, the family offered a barbeque in the departed’s honor to bright up the mood a bit; right at the cementery, maybe it was cheaper than renting a place for it.

Free tasty food was something only an idiot would decline, so you spent some time doing small talk with the relatives you knew best, but still you mostly just listened and ate in silence.

You saw a glimpse of color and movement out of the corner of your eye, since everyone was wearing dark tones it stood out, turning your head there was just an empty plastic table with some half-full plates and glasses, still, you felt a shiver up your spine, it was probably the weather.

When you looked back at your phone's clock it was already 6 pm, guess dad jokes and food made time fly, you said your goodbyes and condolences to everyone and headed out, you were still at the cemetery, so you had to call a ride back home, the driver dropped you near a convenience store just around the corner of your apartment, since you needed to buy a snack for dinner, on sundays you usually had takeout, so no need to worry much about it right now.

_______________________________________________________

“I know I didn’t imagine anything, that breather saw me at the cemetery! we even locked eyes for a second! It may work this time, just gotta get closer while they're alone”

_______________________________________________________

…

Walking down the street, humming a bit to some music and a bag of snacks in hand, dusk started to set, some stars could be seen and the sky was a beautiful fuchsia tone with oranges and purples mixed in the clouds. On instinct, you took your phone out of your jeans pocket to take a picture of the cute sky.

Just as you took a couple of pictures, to make sure at least one was good to share, something caught your attention out of the corner of your eye again

You felt a shiver like a cold wind out of nowhere, similar as to when a car drives a bit too close to someone on winter, but there was not even one driving car on the street.

"Oof, should get back now, it's getting colder" picking up the peace to get home faster-

A piece of paper slapped you in the face

“EW- wind trash” you muttered while grabbing what seemed to be a flyer, and it flew indeed.

You naturally took a closer look at it when you took it into your hands and out of your face, it was a very faded print, with an image of an… insect? man? holding a hammer over a small house and people, you chuckled, it was a funny irony cartoon, a bug crushing people.

Half of the flyer was unreadable because of some liquid or dirt, already dry but you couldn’t read what was supposed to be, written under the drawing was the end of an ad;

“Ghostly services one name away!

RESIDENTIAL - INDUSTRIAL - COMMERCIAL

Call BETELGEUSE

BETELGEUSE

BETELGEUSE!”

“Betelgeuse? ...Like that one star?” There was that shiver again, Halloween was a week ago, so this kind of paper seemed normal to be hanging around with the wind.

As you walked down the street, some lights started flickering, the cold wind seemed stronger and the sky was a deep dark purple now, strange, it was supposed to be clear dark blue by now, fall nights came quickly this time of the year, still it didn't feel like the usual night. You were just around the corner of your street when the closest light bulb exploded and zapped with a loud 'CRASH', making you stop for a second cowering from the shards

"What the-!? No one told me we'd be getting winter thunderstorms sooner what the eff" muttering swears you made a run to your apartment, scurrying for the door keys in the process, lights kept flashing and the wind made windows sing a high 'oooo' noise, you have seen this kind of weather before but no one would like to be outside when it happened, nervously and quickly you finally fit the key in the lock and opened the door, hurrying inside and closing it behind, a loud bang thundered through the silent room, the unexpected storm slamming against the walls and windows, you left the lights on before going out.

After a minute it seemed to calm down, wind turning into a breeze and the sky now it's usual black, no stars in the sky.

You let out a sigh and walked to the counter to drop your keys, the phone and your purse, you had to make sure all the windows were closed for the night, luckily it was Saturday, so no need to go out tomorrow on that crazy weather.

Windows secured, you changed into your winter pajamas, a gray pair of pants with a pattern of a cat on toast and eggs, with a pastel blue loose shirt. Making your way to the kitchen you decided a light snack would be enough for tonight, after that run and emotion on the way back home you had no energy to cook a proper dinner, not even microwave, it was also too late for it anyways you thought.

You put the snack bowl and a cup of water on the kitchen counter, looking to grab your phone. You noticed you still had the dirty flyer, forgot to drop it between the commotion maybe?

Placing it aside and unlocking your phone screen, you opened the ‘best friend's’ chat group

You. 'Hey guys, did you get any of that weird winter storm action today after school?'

Rob. 'Nah, it was a clear sky for me'

Itai. 'Same, also I was asleep all afternoon'

You. 'Strange, I got caught on this whirlwind on my way back home from the store, just my luck I guess >:('

Both of the boys. 'Lol yea'

Putting the phone down and chomping on some of the snacks, you thought about the events, it was indeed a clear sky earlier, only a couple of common clouds you took pictures of before it. You grabbed the phone again, quickly to see if any of the photos looked good.

"Pleasepleaseplease" you muttered in excitement, it was a very cute view, hopefully one picture captured it nicely.

And they did, a couple looked stunning, you smiled, thinking at least it was worth getting your hair all messed up by the wind, you were about to delete one picture it since it was blurry when you noticed a different kind of blur, it was gray with splashes of green in the corner, similar to what you saw at the funeral.

"There was nothing green on the other pictures, was it?" you looked through the other photos and they were pretty normal, full of pink, purple and blue from the sunset.

You looked back at the flyer

"Betelgeuse, betelgeuse, betelgeuse huh" You said in a playful tone, grabbing the torn paper from the counter, you felt a shiver, a strong one this time, well that was the opposite of a calming experience, but still the word felt strange when you said it, it wasn't like you hadn't said before, Orion was a popular constellation, and the Betelgeuse star was on it; but this time the air inside had a tense feeling.

All the lights went off after a second "Now a blackout? What's with today ugh" picking up your phone to use as a flashlight, after a couple of seconds before you could turn it on, all the lights came back again, but you almost had a heart attack when you saw someone standing in the center of the living room, enveloped in a green mist.

"FUCK wh- WHO THE FUCK-" you stuttered before turning around and grabbing the closest thing to use as a weapon, a wooden spoon used for beating eggs this morning "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHO ARE YOU? GET OUT!"

The figure was a man, taller than you, dressed in a striped black and white suit, dark hair with green tints at the end, a wicked smile plastered on his face, he took a look around, then back to you, endless chills went down your spine when you met his eyes, you could feel the tense aura from before growing stronger, anticipating, colder.

"Well who might I be? You should know, you called my name baby! Glad to make some business with you tonight!" He said as he extended a hand and walked, floated? quickly towards a paralized you, frozen in place, you only managed to put the spoon up in self defense from whomever this man could be, the lights were out for just a few seconds, was he inside the apartment all this time?

"S-stop right there you!" tried to threaten the man with the wooden tool, he didn't seem to notice nor care, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, then placing a sloppy kiss in your face, petrified, you shivered and gripped the spoon harder, he felt oddly cold.

...Did he just kiss you? Who does he think he is??

"No no, no stopping now! We just got started cakes, and now that you said my name three times, I can finally interact with you and everything here in the world of the living! Gotta say thanks it's been real boring being invisible for so long lemme tell ya-"

*WHACK*

You hit the man in the head with the wooden spoon as hard as you could.

...the spoon broke.

The man's smile grew wider

[dreamerology]

i was tagged by the loml @123dream to answer these 20 get to know me questions! thank u for tagging me hehe 💕

🦋what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

elliot or el! i don’t rly have a preference for either

🦋when is your birthday?

october 9

🦋where do you live?

canada 🦫

🦋three things you’re doing right now?

i just got home from work so im listening 2 music, snacking on a muffin & catching up w my roommate

🦋four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

i would definitely love to have more people to talk abt books w but im not overly interested in being involved in any of the fandoms

🦋how is the pandemic treating you?

awful lol our govt is handling it so poorly & im so tired of constantly feeling on edge and anxious when im at work/having to take the bus and it just seems like an endless cycle which like ☹️💔 it’s been 2 years since ive seen my gf and who knows when we’ll be able to travel again….i also just miss walking around malls & going escape rooms & board game cafes, stuff like that

🦋song you can’t stop listening to right now?

honey by halsey 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 (the entire album really…)

🦋recommend a movie

castle in the sky <3

🦋how old are you?

21! 22 soon 🤢

🦋school, university, occupation, other?

i currently work at two post secondary libraries! been at the one for 2 years and the other for a year (ignoring the months i was laid off from both bc of covid 🙄)

🦋do you prefer hot or cold?

cold bc at least u can continue to layer up for warmth….my anxiety has decided this summer that heat makes me claustrophobic and triggers panic attacks so im glad the weather is starting to cool off

🦋name one fact others may not know about you.

ive never been stung by a bee/wasp so im terrified im actually allergic even tho there isn’t that kind of severe reaction in my family lmao

🦋are you shy?

yes but not even in the cute way more so in the annoying and useless in social situations way

🦋what are your preferred pronouns?

they/them! at the moment im also ok w he/him

🦋any pet peeves?

people who r on the phone while they’re at like a checkout or expecting help from someone idk how else to describe it but every time a student comes to check out something while on the phone and i also have to talk to them i wanna smack the phone out of their hand

🦋what’s your favourite “dere” type?

could not tell u the definition of one of them sorry

🦋rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

6 maybe??? in a (temporary) full time job in my field which will hopefully lead to something more!!! and our work schedules just changed so ill actually be able to see my roommates every evening instead of once a week :D i just got back from an absolutely wonderful road trip! ive also picked up reading again which makes me really happy & fulfilled….if the panoramic wasn’t happening n i had a trip planned to see noah it would be even higher also once i get a better hold of my anxiety i’ll be unstoppable

🦋what’s your main blog?

dreamerology

🦋list your side blogs and what they’re used for.

im not active on any of them anymore like im barely active here lmaooo

🦋is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

sometimes i take a lot time to reply bc i overthink my messages rly bad if we’re just getting to know each other! but if we have something in common chances are i already consider us besties im just horrible at initiating convos

tagging some mutuals who r recently in my activity bc idk like anyone on here anymore 😢@softredvelvet @carnation-station @penpall @s00ft @leetaemn

[mldrgrl]

I've been re-reading your old works for the Revival like Recocering Nicely and Flannel Pajamas,....I miss them being an old married couple doing domestic stuffs so much, can you write something like that again?

Friday Night by: mldrgrl Rating: PG Note: Set during season 10, erasing any season 11 from the table

Fridays are full of anticipation nowadays.  At first, when they were just starting to get back on track, more often than not he was going home alone.  But, now, he can’t remember the last time Friday rolled around and she didn’t have her weekend bag with her.  There’s nothing he looks forward to more than a Friday night.

They take one car out to the house, usually his, leaving the other in the parking garage at work until Monday.  The ride is long, but comfortable.  Scully rests her hand on his arm across the seat and they talk about mundane things that aren’t about work.  Mulder wants to cut the grass if there isn’t any frost in the morning.  He loaded the crock pot with the stuff for that stew Scully likes this morning.  Hopefully he remembered to turn it on before he left.  That new thing Scully found online to weatherproof the windows came in.  He needs to put in the order for the wood for the stove to be delivered soon.

“An hour and change,” Mulder says, stopping the car in front of their gate.  “New record.”

“You really need to think about installing the remote.”

“I like the exercise.”  He leans close to her as he unbuckles his seatbelt and gives her a peck on the cheek.  She cups his chin with a backwards hand for a moment and then unbuckles her own belt.

Scully takes over in the driver’s seat as Mulder handles the gate.  She drives down the dirt road slowly, avoiding the dips and bumps up to the front.  She’s got her overnight bag from the trunk and Mulder’s dry cleaning that they stopped to pick up weighing her down by the time he’s made it to the car.  He takes the dry cleaning from her and places a hand to the small of her back as they ascend the porch steps.

“My nose is telling me I didn’t forget to turn the crock pot on,” he says, opening the door for her.

“Gonna change first.  Looks like we’re in for a beautiful sunset.  Want to eat outside?”

“Sure.”

He puts the dry cleaning away while she puts on a pair of sweats and a long-sleeved shirt.  He turns on the radio.  It’s still on the classical channel Scully last had it on and he leaves it be, coming into what sounds like The Planets Suite.  He thinks he recognizes Jupiter.  He thinks about setting up the telescope.

While Scully dishes out the stew, he changes into jeans and a light sweater.  Noticing a bit of a chill, he brings one of the blankets from the couch with him after he grabs the bowl left for him on the counter to join her.  She tucks it around her and they eat to the strains of Holst in the background as twilight begins its takeover.

They head back inside when it turns grey and too chilly.  Scully separates the leftover stew into two containers, one to store for leftovers for the weekend and the other to freeze for later.  She washes the dishes and Mulder dries.  

“Did you bring the paper in?” he asks.

“In my bag,” she answers.

“We need under 36 minutes to beat last week.”

“36 minutes and 14 seconds.”

“Across or down?”

“Down.”

They huddle close on the couch and Mulder opens the newspaper to the crossword.  He folds it appropriately while Scully starts the timer on her phone.  Mulder starts with the clues running across and Scully starts with the clues running down.  They have a goal of beating each week’s previous time.

“Oh, they’re being cheeky,” Mulder says.  “They’ve got the question marks in here.”

“You like the cheeky ones.”

“When they’re clever.”

After ten minutes, they switch directions.  

“Life source?” Scully asks.  “Is that the cheeky one?”

“You get the answer?”

“M-I-blank-blank-blank-N-blank-R-A-”

“Milton Bradley,” he answers, before she finishes.

“Clever or not?” she asks, filling in the blanks.

“They’ve done better.  Hey, you’re supposed to fill-in all the Latin clues.”

“Mulder, do you know how many 3-letter Latin 101 words there are?”

“How many end in O?”

“Too many.”

“I think it starts with an E.”

“Ego.”

“I should’ve known that.”

“I’ll say.”

He bumps her shoulder with his and she chuckles.  They switch for a second time a few minutes later and then they’re racing against the clock.  He puts down his pen when there’s nothing but a corner left.

“You always leave the Tolkein monsters clue blank,” Scully huffs.

“I didn’t have 5 down yet, it still could be orcs or ents.”

“Ents.  5 down is Etsy.”

“What the hell is an etsy?”

“Online craft store.  You know it, it’s where I got those bath bombs you liked.”

“The eucalyptus ones?  You should get more of those.”

“I’ll see if they still have them.  Time!”

“33 and 51 seconds.  High five g-woman!”  He grabs her hand when she slaps his and laces their fingers together.  “Seriously, though, you need to go to the etsy store and get more of those bath bombs.”

“Remind me tomorrow.”

“Movie?”

“I’m thinking a shower and then bed.”  She moves to stand, but he pulls her down to his lap.  She chuckles and drapes her arms around his neck.  

“Scully, do you remember back in the day when we used to pull all-nighters like it was nothing and now we’re lucky if we make it past nine?”

“Seems we used up all our reserve energy when we were young.”

“Younger, don’t go calling us old.”

“You brought it up first.”  She gives him a brief kiss on the lips and then he lets her go.

While she showers, he takes the newspaper to the recycle bin and sets up the coffee maker for the morning.  He checks the locks on the front door and the back door and pulls the shades in the living room and kitchen.  He pulls his sweater off as he heads upstairs and tosses it on the bed before he goes into the bathroom.  Scully has finished her shower and sits on the closed toilet in a towel, massaging lotion into her legs.  The room is humid from the shower and the mirror is fogged over.

“I set the coffee for 7,” he says, pulling his toothbrush and toothpaste from the medicine cabinet. “Too early?”

“It’s fine.”   She makes a noise and he turns.  She has her hands held out to him and he puts the toothbrush and toothpaste on the side of the sink and gives her his hands so she can massage the extra lotion into his hands and arms.

“Is this new?  It smells like oranges.”

“Yeah, some vitamin C thing a salesperson at the mall talked me into.”

“You hate the mall.”  He pastes his toothbrush and starts brushing his teeth.

“I do, but sometimes the Labor Day sales are too hard to resist.  2 for 1 bras at Victoria’s Secret, I had to go.”

“What, now?”  Mulder turns towards her and pulls the toothbrush out of his mouth.  Foam coats his lips.  She laughs lightly and shakes her head.

“Kidding,” she says.  “But, good to know you’re still interested in my lingerie.”

“I might be old, but I’m not dead.”

Scully smiles and stands on tiptoes to kiss the corner of Mulder’s mouth.  She pats his chest lightly and then rubs a bit of toothpaste residue from her bottom lip.  He turns to finish brushing his teeth, wiping fog away from the mirror to watch her move comfortably around the room and get ready for bed.  He waits until she’s dropped the towel and slipped her t-shirt on to spit and rinse.

She tosses his shirt at his head when he steps into the bedroom.  He grins and hangs it up and then they turn the bed down together.  He sheds his jeans and then opens the window just a crack to let some fresh air in.

“Almost time to pull out the flannel sheets,” she says, as he gets into bed.

“I’ll keep you warm,” he answers, wrapping an arm around her under the covers and sliding her into his chest.  She laughs and wiggles out of his hold as he tickles the back of her neck and shoulder with his lips.

Briefly, Scully turns her head back and after several soft kisses, she pulls away to turn over and shut off the lamp.  Mulder rolls onto his back and she settles on her side after punching the pillow flat a few times.  Five minutes pass and then she sighs.

“Are you still awake?” she asks.

“Mmhm,” he answers.

She turns over to face him and he turns his head towards her.  “I’ve been thinking about something,” she says.  “Something I think we need to talk about.”

“Okay.”  He turns over as well and folds his arm under his head.

“The lease on my place is up at the end of October.  I don’t think I’m going to renew.”

“Oh?  So, what are you thinking?”

“The commute out here is not ideal.  Especially with winter coming.  I was wondering if you might want to find a place in the city.  Or closer to the city.  Together.”

“Get rid of the house?”

“No, never.  This is...this is our home.”

He nods in agreement.  He’s always thought of it as their home, whether she’s been in it or not.

“I was thinking just a place we can be at during the week,” she continues.  “And we’ll still come out here on the weekends.”

He mulls it over.  As much as he wants to be with her and wants to return to the life they once shared, he has some reservations.

“Mulder?” she asks.  “You’re never this quiet.  What are you thinking?”

“You know I want this more than anything,” he answers.  “But, what if this is only working because you got the space you wanted?  And we’ve never done the living and working together thing before.  It would be new.  What if we recommit and then it becomes too much?”

She contemplates the ceiling for some time and he reaches out to stroke her hair and cup her cheek.

“I thought, at the time, that leaving was the right thing to do,” she says.  “I know that I accused you of being a weight that was pulling me down into your depression and despair, but in hindsight, it was the other way around.”

“I never felt that way.”

“I know, but I did.  I thought returning to medicine would be satisfying.  I thought it was the key to happiness.  Something normal.  Instead it just made me sad.  And then I thought leaving was the only way to fix it, but I was wrong.  Really, what I missed was us.  Being with you, working with you, just you and me.  I don’t feel whole without you.”

“Hey now, that’s my line,” he whispers, running his thumb over her cheek.

“It’s true.”

“So, we’re doing this?  Full time?”

“I’m ready for it if you are.”

“Bring it on, honey.”

She chuckles and they slide closer to rest their heads together.  Their legs tangle and arms move to hold on to each other.  He’s filled with a new sense of anticipation.  He won’t ever have to wonder anymore if she’ll be coming with him Friday nights.

The End

[pinkmangafish]

Noodles ... and a few surprises

Rating: General

Fandom: Psycho-Pass

Pairing: Kougami and Tsunemori (Shinkane)

Characters: Akane Tsunemori, Shinya Kougami, and pretty much everyone else alive at the end of PP3: First Inspector. 

Summary: Part 1 - Kougami collects Akane from the isolation centre and quickly realizes something is wrong. Part 2 - Kougami arranges a surprise party for Akane, but is that what it really is?

Author’s Notes:  I had hoped to finish this in time for shinkaneweek, but it kept growing. Please point out any glaring canonical mistakes, and if possible, I'll fix them. This is my second piece of fanfic, so I am very new to all of this. I find that I am torn between the relationship between Kougami and Tsunemori, and how the plot moves forward to, hopefully, an end to the Sibyl System.

NOODLES ...

Akane Tsunemori stepped outside for the first time in what seemed a very long time. Well, it had been … No, she was not going to think about that now. Today, though technically an enforcer with limitations on her movements, she was free. Free of that windowless room.  Free of the probing questions from the perfunctorily concerned doctors. Free of the constant surveillance. Free of the need to be on her guard even when she was asleep. Free to go outside and feel the sun and wind and rain on her body. She lifted her face to feel the sun, but it was already late afternoon and the sun had lost most of its warmth. Never mind. There was always tomorrow.

She dropped her gaze and saw the man waiting for her. She caught her breath. This was better than the sun on her face. Shinya Kougami was leaning against a car as nonchalant as ever.

“I’m here to get you.” he shrugged. “Sorry.”

She had half expected Shimotsuki to collect her or to at least send a drone for her, but somehow, she was not at all surprised to see him. She walked down a few steps and then stopped and looked up around.

“I’m hungry,” she announced.

He laughed. “Is that all you can say?”

She walked slowly over to the car and smiled up at him. There were some new lines there that she had not seen in all his visits to her. Most of the time, they had leant on either side of the door as they talked, but even so, she was surprised. She almost reached out and touched his face.

“Yes. Treat me to something,” she replied.

“Yes, ma’am,” He paused as if considering something. Then, abruptly, “I’ll drive.”

Akane nodded and got in the car. If she had expected him to start a conversation she would have been disappointed, but then, she knew him and was not. She did not feel the need to chat, either. Content to be with him she wondered if she was going to have the courage to say what needed to be said. But that was not a conversation to be held in the car. It could wait a little longer. For now, she stared at the city flowing past her window. As they got to areas that she knew, she saw signs of her time away in the shops and cafes that had taken the place of others: a florist where there had been a gift shop or a mall with a new name and look. This is what Yayoi, Kagari and the other enforcers must have felt like she thought. Some of them, she knew, had spent many more years than she had in the isolation center before being granted a reprieve of sorts. A life of boredom and isolation swapped for one of danger and death, but also friendship and the chance to feel like they belonged. Her thoughts abruptly changed direction. She wondered what Homura’s plans for her were. She was under no illusion that he was responsible for her freedom despite the Sibyl System’s claim to have made the decision itself. Assigning her to Shimotsuki as an aide had been a bold move. Staring into traffic, her head against the window, she questioned whether her and Homura’s aims were still in alignment or was he now playing a different game? And if so, was she now a pawn? Then there was Arata, and Kei and the new team of enforcers. So many new variables were in play. She needed to catch up quickly. And … she had to talk Kougami. She sighed heavily.

Kougami glanced at her. He was not comfortable with this pensive version of Akane but he knew her better than to try and distract her. He waited until the car had parked and his door was open. “Akane, we’re here. Let’s get some noodles.”

 She looked at him and then at their surroundings. She recognized the small mall as the one near her old apartment. How had they got here so quickly? She was out of sync. She was unreal and everything else was too real. Had she really been that lost in thought? She would need to be more careful, more alert. Her stomach growled. Noodles? Yes, of course he’d take her to eat noodles.

“I hope Thai is okay? The old ramen place closed down six months ago,” Kougami led the way across the street not waiting for her. She nodded. Then wondered how he know about the ramen shop. She could not remember having eaten there with him. He glanced down at her, “We’re practically neighbors now. I live in that block over there,” he pointed to a small apartment building behind them. So near, she thought.

The small Thai noodle shop was a reminder that the city, no, the country, was changing and changing rapidly. Immigrants were starting to open their own businesses and that, she knew, was a good thing. The restaurant was barely that, just a few plastic tables and chairs. Kougami led her over to a corner table by the window. She wondered whether he even realized he had assessed which table gave them the best vantage point. Probably not.

A waitress appeared with a menu and set down a bottle of fish sauce and a small dish of chili in vinegar. “Sawatdee, kha, Kougami-san,” she said giving Akane a quick, interested look.

Akane realized that he had been telling a story. “I’m sorry, Kougami, I spaced out. Who were you trying to hold onto?”

He looked at her steadily. She had seemed fine when she walked out of the isolation center. Now, though, he could see the signs of exhaustion in her face. “Oh, just some junked up trafficker. He’d been bringing in kids from … doesn’t matter. Except that to bring him down both Gino and I had to hold onto him while Kei shot him with a paralyzer.”

“No!” She looked at him in amusement, her attention finally on him. “You got shot with a paralyzer again?”

“Well, technically, Gino and I are secondaries. We were holding onto the perp, so … Kei wasn’t actually trying to shoot us,” Kougami smiled at her but his eyes were watchful.

“Hmmm, are you sure about that?” she asked. “You had a bit of a run in with him just a couple of weeks ago.”

“Ahh, you know about that?” Kougami shook his head. “I’m not saying that we’re friends now. Hell, I don’t even like the man that much. But we can work together.”

The noodles arrived. Tom yum goong, hot, spicy and delicious, she slurped slowly and steadily. She smiled at him, “Much better than AI hyper-oats.” Then her eyes fell back to the table and she was quiet again. She stayed still staring at the soup that remained in her bowl, but her eyes were moving as the thoughts and questions flooded her mind. At one point she looked up quickly at Kougami and opened her mouth, but then closed it, and dropped her head down again. She stayed like that for so long that Kougami began to worry.

“Akane, what is the matter? Please, tell me … if you can.” He leant forward so he could hear her, but she said nothing. “Akane, you are okay now. You are out. You are safe.”

To her surprise, Akane felt large, hot tears streaming down her cheeks. Bemused, she watched them as they slid off her chin and fell into the soup. She wondered reflexively what the soup would taste like; if she would be able to taste the salt from her tears. Then she felt a gentle hand drying her cheeks and looked into Kougami’s eyes. He seemed to become aware of what he was doing and started to pull his hand away, but she grabbed it and held onto him. His eyes widened as her grip tightened and then he stretched out his other hand.

She clung to him desperately, tears still falling and her breath uneven with sobs. All she could hear was that one word, “safe”. She was safe. She was safe. And yet, even though it was true, it was also a lie. She knew that the most dangerous part of the journey was ahead. And yet again, and yet again, she was safe. She held onto his hands for all she was worth.

Kougami began talking again, softly, in no hurry. His voice providing her with another anchor. “One time, in Tibet, I went on a raid with this guy, Dawa, I think his name was. Anyway, he was as tough as they come. Not nasty, just through and through tough. The kind of guy you are glad to have at your back or to follow. The raid went badly. Someone had leaked the plan and they were waiting for us. The fight was brutal, and we lost several people, all friends of his from childhood. One guy literally exploded in front of him as if he’d been hit by a lethal dominator, but Dawa just kept going. A natural leader. Eventually, we got the upper hand, got what we came for and escaped. It took us almost a week to get back. The whole time, Dawa just held it together. Two more died on that trek - one from his wounds and the other slipped into a crevice. Dawa didn’t flinch once, just kept going and kept his people together. When we got back to camp, one of his men was waiting for us. He handed Dawa the body of an old dog. This man, who could wipe off the blood of his friend and keep going, collapsed where he was and started crying like a child. I don’t know if he really did love that dog as much as that or if it was his way of grieving for his friends. I do know that keeping those kinds of feelings inside is a kind of death.” His voice trailed off.

Akane sighed deeply and pulled one hand away and mopped her eyes with a paper napkin. “Thank you, Kougami. I’m feeling tired. Can we go?”

She waited at the table while he paid the bill. By the time he returned, when she smiled at him, her eyes were almost clear. “Thank you for the noodles.”

“You’re welcome.”

Out on the street the strange hyperreal feeling returned. Colours were a little too bright, noises a little too loud and the sidewalk seemed to be moving under her. It was like walking in a distorted holo. She saw a street scanner and flinched. Kougami frowned down at her. Apart from when she had first started work as an Inspector, he had never seen her this unsure of herself. She put her hand into his and felt his fingers tighten slightly. Safe.

Her apartment was only a few minutes’ walk from the mall, so they left the car where it was. About halfway there, she realized she had forgotten her small bag of belongings. “My keys, they’re …” she began to turn back.

“It’s okay, Akane, Yayoi gave me your spare set. I’ll get your things later.”

She thought about asking why he had her keys, but then decided she could not be bothered. As soon as he opened the door, it was obvious. The underfloor heating was on and there was the unmistakable feeling of stepping into a clean apartment. She kicked her shoes off in the hall, walked into the living room and looked around. The large sofa where she had slept so many nights seemed enormous after the one in isolation. She looked over at the kitchen in the corner. There was even a bowl of fruit on the counter. She glanced up at him surprised, “Thank you, Kougami.”

“Well, it isn’t much. I just set the auto-cleaner to do its job and bought some fruit,” he shrugged, but she could see he was both embarrassed and pleased by her reaction.

“I’m tired.”

“Then I’ll leave you to sleep. I’ll come back with your things, but I’ll just leave them by the door,” he stepped back, but her hand did not let go of his. His expression remained neutral as she raised a finger to her lips and began to walk towards the bedroom. She gave a small shake of her head and her own expression was so serious he was in no doubt that this was not a seduction.

With her finger still against her lips, she let go of his hand and opened a small cupboard. When she pulled out a small, plastic, white cat with a pink bow he looked totally perplexed. She set the cat down and pushed a small button on the back, then held her fingers up as she counted down from five.

“Now we can talk. This little kitty has a jammer. Any bugs, and I am sure there are some, will pick up nothing more than a silent room,” she sat down on the bed. Another sigh.

“Where did you get that thing?” without thinking, Kougami sat next to her.

“Long story short? Shion.”

Kougami grunted. Then he shifted so he could look at her. “You said we could talk. So talk.”

“You know there are somethings that I can’t tell you? Not that I don’t trust you, because I do. I trust you with my life. But knowing those things will not only endanger you, but also me, and possibly others, and what we are trying to do.” She had taken hold of his hand again. Her eyes grew wide and very luminous. “But you are right about what keeping things in does to you. To me. Th … there is one thing I do need to tell you, Shinya,” she paused and then gave a little nod to herself. “I love you.”

Silence.

Then, as he registered and reregistered her words, “Say that again!” 

“I love you, Shinya,” another pause. She did not take her eyes from his, “And you love me.”

“Yes,” he breathed. “I love you, Akane. You have no idea how much.” He began to reach for her but stopped.

Akane frowned, “What’s the problem?”

He looked embarrassed, “Well, the effects of the dominator haven’t worn off yet. I’m, I’m not going to …, I mean, I can’t … I’m sorry.”

She smiled ruefully, “I have just put your life in more danger and that is what you think about? That can wait. This can’t. The most dangerous phase has begun. It is quite possible that one of us, even both of us, won’t see the other side. You know this.” She put her hand against his cheek as he protested. “And I have put us in more danger. Yes, yes, I have. There is no way we can hide a relationship, and I don’t want to, but it can be used against us. I’m so tired of being on my own, so scared that each time you walk away it might the last time I’ll ever see you and I never told you how much you mean to me. How much I love you. That I’ll be killed, or you will be. Maybe it was all the time I had to think in isolation that did it. But that thought kept growing inside me until sometimes it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Especially after you’d come to see me. I finally realized that I can’t go on without loving you, without being able to love you and yet I have to keep going to help bring down the System. So, I guess I’ve grown a little selfish. I couldn’t live with not telling you I love you. I do you, know? I love you.”

His eyes had never left hers as she spoke. The words rushing from mouth and her expression changing at the end from serious to joyous. She allowed him to pull her over to him. She wrapped her arms around his chest and dropped her head on his shoulder and sighed deeply. She breathed in his scent. He chuckled, “Hey, I’m the one that is supposed to be the hound.”

“You were never a hound. More a wolf,” she returned. The relief of telling him that she loved him was beginning to make her a little lightheaded.

“A wolf, huh? Well, that gives me a few ideas for tomorrow,” he dropped feather kisses across her forehead.

“Only a few?” she asked in a disappointed tone.

 “Oh, Akane, you have no idea,” he looked at her with a wicked smile.

  ... AND A FEW SURPRISES

Akane looked at herself in the bathroom mirror as she toweled her hair dry. She barely recognized the woman looking back at her. The muscles around her jaw were relaxed and her eyes shone. Even her hair looked fuller. Was this what she looked like when she was happy? And she was. Happier than she had ever been.

They had not slept much despite Kougami’s insistence that she needed to rest. Soon one or the other would start talking, words of love falling into the safety of the warm dark room. Or he would hold her hand so he could kiss every line on her palm again and again and only release it to kiss the other. Too long had they waited for this night, words tumbled from their lips and their whispers became a confession of hopes, loss, pain and then again hopes as life brought them together, tore them apart and reunited them. So many years had gone by and they had so much to make up for.

“Akane, food’s almost done,” Kougami called from the other side of the door. “Oh, and put some clothes on.”

She blinked and returned to the present. He was up to something. She opened the bathroom door and a blast of cold air hit her. Quickly dressing she joined him in the living room. “Shinya, why’ve you opened all the windows in the bedroom? And …” she took in all the food on the counter. “Just how hungry do you think I am?”

Her doorbell chimed.

“Oh, hell! They’re early,” He threw her a sly look. “Ah, you stay here, I’ll be right back.”

“Kougami, what have you done?”

“It’s a surprise,” and he was gone.

She wondered if he had ordered more noodles from the little restaurant to add to the mountain of food in front of her. Then she heard the front door open and the sound of several people shushing each other as they piled into her little hall.

Akane got up and, laughing, went to greet them.

“Akane!” said three voices at once.

Shino, Yayoi and Gino, if anything could make her happier on this day, then this was it. She hugged them.

Shion laughed, and poked Kougami’s ribs. “I see you’ve talked,” she said winking outrageously and laughed as Kougami went red. “Well, there is a sight I never expected to see. Shinya Kougami bashful.”

“Shion, Yayoi, you look amazing,” laughed Akane holding the latter at arm’s length. They were both wearing party dresses. Then she turned back to Ginoza, “Hello, Gino, it is good to see you. I hear that you got in the way of a paralyzer.”

“Ha! He told you about that, did he? Ignatov better watch out is all I can say. Right, Ko?”

“What? Oh, yes, Kei has it coming. Again.”

The doorbell chimed again. Akane looked at Kougami in surprise. “Who?”

 “And speak of the devil!”

Kougami came back leading a small group of people. “Everyone, Akane Tsunemori in person. Akane, you know Arata and Kei, and this is Maika Ignatov and Sho Hinakawa. The last two are Mao Kisaragi and Kazumichi Irie.”

“Hey! What about me? Why does no one ever introduce the old enforcer!” demanded Todoroki pushing his way forward. “Pleased to meet you, Inspector. I’m Tenma Todoroki.”

“Just Akane, I’m not an inspector anymore,” smiled Akane. “I remember seeing all of your photos in the files. It is wonderful to finally meet you all. I guess we’ll all be working together now.” The serious looks they all gave her made her pause. “I mean, I’m an enforcer now, even though I’m not assigned to Unit 1 …”  

Mao nodded at her teammates and they relaxed. “You’re welcome in Unit 1 any time, Tsunemori … Akane. Err …. I’m sorry if it’s rude, but we’re starving, and we don’t get to eat out very often. Come on, Irie.”

Todoroki grimaced, “Can’t take them anywhere.” But he and Hinakawa followed them quickly into the kitchen.

What was all that about? All three had become so serious in a blink and then back again. Looking around the room, she began to get the feeling that she was missing something obvious. Before she could begin to think about it, the doorbell chimed. Again. She glared at Kougami as he passed her to get the door. He smiled at her, but she could see he was getting a little tenser each time he went. And that was strange, she thought, it did not quite make sense.

“It will take a little time,” said Arata with his mouth full. He was bouncing from foot to foot and balancing a plate full of food.

“Sorry, what will?” she turned her attention to him.

“Being out. Getting your senses back as it were. But,” he glanced in Kougami’s direction, “you are already on the right track.”

Her eyes widened and she started to ask him what he meant, but he just beamed at her and slightly shook his head. So, something was going on. Well, she would trust them to fill her in when they could. Right now, she had a party in her apartment. Shion had taken control of the music, which was now loud enough to annoy the neighbors. Akane shook her head, that would not be a problem. It was the middle of the afternoon, no one would be home.

“Sorry, Gino, what was that?” She shook herself. Get a hold of yourself Tsunemori.

“I just said that Sugo and I are your neighbors. We’re sharing an apartment down the street.”

“Oh! That’s great! Are you in the same block as Sh… as Kougami?” she asked. 

Gino smiled, “No, we’re down the other way.”

She looked at him, then at Kougami, and saw that Sugo and Frederica had arrived. What were they doing here? In one sense, since Gino and Kougami worked with them it made sense to invite them as well, but …. somehow it felt more deliberate than that. Yes, something was definitely going on. Everyone was behaving normally. Normal for a party, that is, she thought. Mao and Irie were dancing with Yayoi and Shion, Sugo and Kei were playing a holo game and everyone else was chatting and eating.  

An arm slipped around her waist. “Are you enjoying yourself, Akane?” His next words were so low that even though he had bent to whisper them in her ear, she almost missed them. “Say yes.”

“Oh, yes,” She turned to look up at him and he smiled down at her; she did not miss the flick of his eyes at the wall. “Walls have ears,” he breathed.

She laughed, “Shinya, you wretch!” It was all she could think of saying. Of course, everything they were doing and saying was probably being monitored. She had been the one to point that out yesterday. So why remind her of it?

The familiar sound of her doorbell interrupted them. She raised her eyebrows questioningly. Kougami kissed her head. “Patience. You’ll see. This is a surprise party, after all.”

He wouldn’t have invited her parents or Kaori. Her parents had been distraught when she was arrested. They had been steadfast in their support for her and called all the time. Even so, this was not the right time for a family reunion. And Kaori had made it clear from her refusal to accept Akane’s call at the start of her sentence that she did not want to be associated with a latent criminal. So who else was there?

“Sorry we’re late, everyone. Work, you know,” beamed Homura with a nervous looking Shimotsuki beside him.

If Akane’s mouth dropped open she made a valiant recovery. “Hello, Sir. Hello, Chief. How good of you to come.”

Shimotsuki, to everyone’s surprise, rushed forward, threw her arms around Akane’s neck and burst into loud sobs. “Oh, Akane, I’m so, so sorry.” Akane instinctively hugged her sobbing boss.

A tiny whisper, “We have to talk. About It.”  

Akane pulled back and stared at Mika who returned her stare and nodded, only to sob even harder, “I really am sorry.”

Homura shot a look at Akane, “Let’s take her into the bedroom for some quiet. Arata,” he threw over his shoulder, “Could you bring her some water?”

Together, Akane and Homura led the still sobbing woman into the bedroom. Arata followed immediately with the water. “Here’s your water, Chief. Get some rest, we’ll all be next door.” Then he paused and shut the door but stayed in the room.

“Well, hopefully we’re safe,” he said. “If we’re not all arrested in ten minutes, I reckon Akane’s jammer is working.”

“Yes, sorry about all the subterfuge,” added Homura. “Here, Mika, have this.” He passed a now dry-eyed Shimotsuki a perfectly folded handkerchief.

Akane sat down next to her. “Mika, did I understand you? You know what Sibyl System is?”

Mika looked pale and nodded. “For a few years. And now, Arata, too.”

“We’re the only ones who know what it really is,” said Homura. “Though I haven’t actually seen it. My father did and he told me.”

“So is this a council of war?” asked Akane.  

Arata answered her. “Not quite, but we all,” and he nodded towards the door to include the rest of the party, “agree that somehow we need to bring it to an end. We just don’t know how yet.”

“So, it is not just the two of us?” asked Akane looking at Homura.

“It never was. I know people who will support us, but it is safer if you don’t know who they are. It is a reasonable bet that all the enforcers will help. While you were inside, we’ve been making all sorts of small changes so we can be ready.”

“You mean like getting everyone to live within a three-block radius?” suggested Akane.

Mika actually smiled, “Yes, exactly like that. Unfortunately, because of our positions, Shizuka and I can’t move, but it was surprisingly easy for SAD to arrange for their people to move here, and then Kei and Arata. Obviously, the enforcers have to stay at MWPSB.”

“For now, at least,” said Homura.

“Is that wise, though?”

“What is more natural than colleagues and neighbors getting together for lunch or dinner or to play a holo game?” smiled Arata.

Homura looked at the time. “This meeting is just luck. We had no idea you had a jammer, so when Kougami said he wanted to give you a surprise party this afternoon it seemed a bit unusal. But when we arrived, he showed us a note about the kitty. Hmm, I think we’d better rejoin the others. They’re covering our absence, but I don’t think we should push our luck. Arata, you and Kei had better come in a few days so Akane and I can give you an “official” briefing on things.” 

Opening the door, Homura pretended to check on Mika who said she was fine and would be out in a minute. As soon as they had all left, Akane pulled Kougami into the bedroom.

“You’ve been planning this all along?” she demanded staring up at him fiercely.

He grinned, “What you thought we couldn’t mange without you? Ouch!”

“I’ll do more than poke your ribs if you’re not careful, Shinya Kougami!”

His smile got bigger, “Akane, you couldn’t expect me and Gino and the others to do nothing. We knew that something was going on, but you couldn’t or wouldn’t say exactly what. Ouch! Ouch!”

Akane poked him in the ribs. He caught her hands and folded them together in his. “Akane, please, I had to do something. I was going crazy. I love you.”

She glared up at him, “Say that again!”

“I love you.”

She sighed happily. “Okay, I suppose we’d better join the party. How long do you think everyone will stay?”  

[kinksvt]

baby (m)

requested: 

anon: sub minghao (maybe involve some pretty collars and polaroids oops oops)

→ pairing: sub!minghao x dom!reader (f)

♕ summary: for you and minghao’s anniversary, you decide to surprise him and switch things up.

✱ warnings: pegging, dom & sub roles, overstimulation, uh anal? fingering?

✱ word count: 5.1k

It was the two year anniversary of you and your boyfriend Minghao today and you planned on giving him something he—hopefully—will never forget.

Since the time you knew him before dating, Minghao was always sweet and gentle. Even in the bedroom, he treated you like a doll and never hurt a hair on your head. He always gives and never expects things in return. Today you wanted to change that.

You had to admit, you have thought of taking charge in the bedroom, to "spice things up" as everyone usually says. You have on many occasions thought about what it would be like to control Minghao, to please him and have him obey your every order. To hear him beg, whine and pled for you to do something already. You could hear it all in your head already, his soft, innocent voice asking you to touch him, ride him-

"Y/N?" A voice said, interrupting your sinful train of thought.

"Yes? Sorry, I zoned out for a bit." You excused yourself, trying to fight the blush that threatened to take over your face.

Your friend looked at you curiously. You were out with your two friends, having breakfast and all you could think about was domming your boyfriend. What kind of weirdo were you?

Minghao was in the studio, helping to record for his group's upcoming album. He had been in the studio all day and sometimes all night for the past week. It worried you a bit because you knew how stressed he gets and how much pressure he feels during the process. So this gift for him would hopefully help in more ways than one.

"So Y/N, how's Miiiinghao?" Your friend said in a teasing voice, moving her eyebrows.

You smiled, "Well," you smirked. "He's good, but today is our anniversary and I'm planning on surprising him." Winking at the end you laughed to yourself, thinking about the plan.

"Ooh," your other friend said, nudging your arm. "And what are you planning you sex demon?"

Laughing, you gently pushed her elbow away. "I don't kiss and tell."

Your friends chuckle and you three continue to eat.

Minghao texted you later on when you were walking with your friends.

[2:41 pm] Haohao: Hey baby, session is going good, hopefully I'll be done before 11 tonight.

[2:42 pm] You: That's great! I have a surprise for you when you get home btw hehe

[2:42 pm] HaoHao: Oh? And what might that surprise involve?

[2:43 pm] You: Looks like you'll have to wait and find out ;) I love you, see you tonight <3

[2:43 pm] HaoHao: You are such a tease. I love you too, see you tonight baby.

You smiled to yourself and continued walking with your friends to your next destination.

And throughout the whole day you had to excuse yourself for daydreaming. You couldn't get the thought of what you'd do to Minghao later that night out of your head for the life of you.

...

After a long day of hanging out with your friends at various shops and malls, you had finally come home. You carried a few bags that had new outfits, including the one you found to hopefully wear for Minghao when he also came home. You brought your bags up to you and Minghao's shared room, flipping on the light switch and glancing at the clock. It was only 8 p.m and you groaned slightly, you still had 3 hours until he came home. You pondered on what you would do to pass the time. Before you could think, your phone went off, startling you. "Hello?"

"Y/N," a memorable voice said.

"Minghao! What happened? How come you're calling from a different number?"

"My phone died so I asked to borrow Jihoon hyung's phone. I'm just calling to tell you that I should be done in about half an hour!"

"A half hour? It's only 8, how could you be nearly done already?"

"Well, I might've mentioned that today is our anniversary and the boys might've decided to let me go early." Minghao said, followed by a laugh.

"That's great!" You paused for a moment, lowering your voice slightly, "I'll be here waiting for you, baby." Whenever you talked like that to Minghao you knew would effect him and give him a slight hint at what's in store for tonight.

It must have worked because Minghao hummed, something he did when he was flustered or horny. "I can't wait."

With that, you hung up and began getting everything ready. You ran around the room, looking through drawers, putting things away, cleaning and making sure everything looked nice for when your boyfriend arrived.

...

As soon as you finished, you heard the front door shut, followed by a call of your name. You glanced in the mirror as you wore the new set of lingerie you bought for tonight, a shade of dark blue that Minghao just adored you in. You slowly walked down the stairs, seeing the latter taking off his shoes and stopping in his tracks once he noticed you.

"H-Holy shit," Minghao stuttered, taking in the way you looked—swallowing harshly. He suddenly felt a wave of blood rush down south and he chuckled shyly. "You look amazing, Y/N."

You smiled confidently, "Thank you baby. Now, why don't we go upstairs, and I tell you what my surprise is for you, hm?"

Minghao merely nodded innocently, following behind you like a puppy. At first, you were nervous that you wouldn't be able to get into the dominant headspace. But with how cute and excited Minghao seemed, it made it so much easier. You walked into the bedroom, where Minghao's eyes widened as he stared at your shared bed. On it was a collection of three different types of pretty collars you knew would look good on him.

You two have talked only once, maybe twice, about the things you liked. You expressed things you were into, and so did he. You never forgot that night—after a ton of drinks—when Minghao confessed the kinks of his submissive side. He slurred each word, that he's dreamt of being pegged by you, dominated by you, and collared. You remembered it clearly, despite your mind clouded by the alcohol, because of how much it turned you on to imagine Minghao being the putty in your hands with which you could do whatever you wanted to.

Minghao's mouth opened and closed slightly, clearly at a loss for words.

Smirking, you chose a collar that you noticed peaked his interest. It was a simple pink collar with the words "Baby" engraved on it. You grabbed it and looked at your boyfriend, noticing the bulge in his pants. "Excited?"

Minghao nodded aggressively as he looked up slightly so you could put the collar on. Minghao was more than excited. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears, his cock wouldn't stop twitching and—for the love of god—he couldn't wait to see what else you had in store for him.

"Strip for me," you said after the collar was secured around Minghao's neck. He obeyed and lifted his shirt, taking it off, quickly followed by his pants. You stopped him before he took off his boxers, "Let me." You sunk to your knees, holding eye contact with him as your fingertips lightly traced his hips. Minghao shuddered and his eyes closed slightly. You let your fingers slip under the band of his boxers and began pulling them down painfully slow.

After you were done with being a tease, his boxers were off and you took a moment to admire him. He's so pretty, you thought. You smiled and told him to lay on the bed as you said there was one more thing you needed to get. Minghao laid on the bed, resting on his elbows. "What are you doing!" You heard him shout from the room. He was more than excited—ecstatic, glad that you decided to surprise him—especially like this. His cock was already hard, slightly leaking a bit of precum.

You returned with a polaroid camera. He had a confused look on his face. "This," you paused, "is for me." Knowing Minghao as a photographer on the side gave you this idea. You knew he would be able to appreciate the human's naked body, not seeing it as something so lewd but as something beautiful. Minghao has taken pictures of you during sex before, and you couldn't lie, it turned you on knowing he most likely still has them saved somewhere in his phone. After he showed you the pictures, you actually began to see your body in a different, better light.

"Y-You're gonna take pictures, of me?" Minghao questioned curiously,

You giggled and instead of responding, you held the camera up to your eye and took a photo. A flash temporarily blinding Minghao, making him blink while blushing. "You're always taking pictures of art, and now, I'm gonna do the same." Smiling, you continued to capture Minghao from various angles. One was of his neck and collar, another of him looking at the camera a certain way that made your clit throb, one of his torso, another one of his red-tipped cock, and more. You took about seven pictures, not wanting to waste anymore time. "You ready for your next surprise?"

Minghao nodded, letting out a shuddering breath.

You smirked and put down the camera on the nightstand, near all of the rest of the pictures that was taken. You walked closer to him, climbing on top of him. Minghao's hands instinctively went to your waist and you captured his lips in a kiss. The kiss was soft, yet needy. Both of your tongues gliding against each other with heavy breathing and sloppy noises following suit. You felt his cock brush against your clothed core, making you and Minghao moan softly. Breaking the kiss, you began grinding yourself against his bare cock, loving how hard he was already. Your hands smoothed his chest while he watched your every move, eager to see what you would do next. Minghao gasped as your fingers toyed with his nipples, never knowing how sensitive they really were—nor how much it would turn him on. "You like that baby?"

Minghao swallowed a moan, nodding and pushing his head back into the sheets. "Y-Yes," he whispered.

You continued to grind against him as you leaned down to leave fresh hickeys onto the skin above the collar around his neck. "We're gonna try something new tonight baby." Minghao made a noise, impatiently waiting for you to continue. You stood up and took out a box you had under the bed, filled with the toys you two used on special occasions and whatnot. Minghao sat up and looked at you curiously. His hair was in disarray, his pupils blown notably and light purple hickeys began to develop—thanks to you. You dug through the box and took out a bottle of lube, along with one of the smaller dildos. Minghao's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he connected the dots and realized what was going to happen. "Lay on the bed," you ordered yet in a sweet voice.

Minghao shuffled around the bed and did what you told. You got on the bed in front of him, running your hand up and down his chest. His cock laid against his abdomen, the tip an angry red while his cheeks matched the color. "What are you gonna do to me?" He asked while shifting the pillows behind him so he could watch what you do to him.

With a chuckle, you opened the bottle of lube, slowly spreading it on two of your fingers. "I'm gonna prep you baby." You gripped his thigh, making him open his legs wider. Your middle finger traced around his hole, making him gasp at weird feeling. You shushed him, "I want you to relax for me honey, okay? It's gonna hurt for a bit, but it'll hurt worse if you're too tense."

Minghao took a deep breath, "I-Is there a safe word?"

You smiled at how wrecked he already sounded. "How about red?"

He nodded and told you to give him a moment. Minghao took a couple more deep breaths.

Between those breaths, you decided to help him by taking his length in your hand, making his breath hitch. You slowly stroked him, swiping your thumb across his tip. You used the lube that coated your fingers to slick his cock, hearing his muffled moans slightly. "That feel good, Hao?"

"Y-Yes," he said breathlessly, sounding so cute yet so hot.

You stopped momentarily, to coat your two fingers on your other hand with the lube and continued to stroke Minghao. You wanted to make sure that he would still be able to relax and enjoy both sensations. When you knew he would be fine, you put a few drops of lube on his hole, making him gasp once more.

"I-It's cold," he giggled.

You laughed slightly, "Alright baby, you ready?"

After Minghao silently nodded in response, you slowly inserted one of your fingers inside of him. He winced, trying to focus on the feeling of your hand wrapped around his cock rather than your finger inside of his ass. He had to admit, it did hurt, and feel weird, but he wanted this—and you. The whole situation was new and slightly strange for the both of you but Minghao adapted quickly.

After a couple of seconds, Minghao told you to move. You obliged and slowly began to thrust your finger in him. "You okay, baby?"

He breathed out heavily, "Y-Yeah."

You moved your finger inside of him at a set pace, making sure not to go too fast. "Ready for another?" Your thumb swiped the tip of his cock once more, making him moan before muttering a quiet yes. You added your other finger even slower than the first, nervous that Minghao would tell you to stop because it hurt. But after hearing the whine that tore out of his throat instead, threw those thoughts out the window and sent a wave of pleasure straight down to your core. "That feel good, Hao?"

"Y-Yes. P-Please, a little faster," he breathed out, swallowing a moan.

Smirking, you tightened your grip on his cock, slipping it in between your index and middle finger and stroking him. Minghao whined more, his moans only making your underwater damper. You were so ready to ruin him that it made your loins ache with heat. You looked up at Minghao, seeing his eyes screwed shut and his eyebrows furrowed together while his mouth hung open, releasing quiet breaths. His chest rose up and down, a thin layer of sweat covering it. You pushed your finger further in Minghao, curling ever so slightly. He cried out, grasping the sheets and biting his lip. "You're doing so good, baby." You breathed, stroking Minghao's cock faster.

Minghao gulped, "T-Thank you," he paused afterwards. "W-What should I call you?"

Your brain stuttered for a moment. You hadn't thought of Minghao calling you anything other than your name or a simple pet name. You racked your memories of names subs would call their doms.

Girls can be called master, right? Yeah, who cares? You're in charge. "Call me master, baby boy."

"T-Thank you mast- ah!" Minghao moaned when he felt your fingers curl in him once again and thumb swipe the tip of his cock. He was getting close, feeling all sorts of sensitive to the new feeling. Minghao would've never guessed he could get off with your fingers in him rather than the other way around, but boy could he get used to it.

Your hand continued to work on his cock, moving at the right paces that you knew would help bring him closer to the edge. Your fingers moved in and out of him, going deeper and curling at the right moments. You were a pro, Minghao thought. Of course you would be. You spent plenty of your years single and lonely, only having your fingers to satisfy your needs. He never knew fingers could feel so good..

When Minghao's moans began getting shorter and higher, you warned him. "You can only cum when I say so, if you want to you have to ask. Got it?"

"Y-Yes Master, can I cum?" He looked down at you with cute, innocent eyes.

You smirked, "Only good boys with manners can cum, baby. Hold it." Maybe you were being a bit harsh, but this new role brought out a different side of you that you didn't know you had.

Minghao tried to shuffle away from your hand and fingers, struggling to hold back his orgasm. He whines softly, his head thrown back and his eyes shut tight.

"If you keep moving baby, you won't cum at all." After that, you had pressed another finger inside of him gently and continuing to move in and out of him.

Minghao whined louder, "Please, please, Master, please let me cum." His head writhed against the pillows behind him, his eyebrows and eyes tight together.

Your eyes widened slightly, shocked at how desperate Minghao was. You felt him pulse around your fingers and you thrusted them inside of him faster. His whines were achingly loud, making your clit throb. "Cum for me, baby."

As soon as Minghao heard those words, he released the loudest moan, stilling completely and cum shooting out of his cock. His head pushed against the white pillows, his collared neck exposed as you watched his adam's apple bob. Minghao's mouth hung open, small gasps exiting his throat.

"Such a good boy for me, Hao. Aren't you?" You glanced at him, his eyes shut and chest falling up and down as he nodded slightly.

"Y-Yes, Master."

You hummed as you released your hold on his softening cock and wiped your fingers off. "We're not done yet, baby." Minghao swallowed, sitting up. His eyes were hooded, eyes darker and pupils dilated in a way that made you eager to wreck further. "On your hands and knees." You purred as you grabbed the dildo you had set on the bed before you two started. Minghao did as you asked, facing toward the headboard and waiting for your next command.

"I-I'm a little nervous," he confessed quietly.

You smiled at his honesty, resulting in you leaving a kiss of reassurance on his shoulder. "I'm right here, baby. If anything hurts too much or if you want to stop at any time, please just let me know, okay?"

Minghao looked back at you, biting his lip anxiously. "You wouldn't be mad?" He raised his eyebrows curiously.

You couldn't help but smile larger at his cuteness, "Of course I wouldn't honey. I would never pressure you into doing anything that you weren't comfortable with." Your heart swelled with love for Minghao as you opened the bottle of lube once more and began to spread it along the dildo.

"E-Even if," he trailed off, hesitant to say what he was planning to, "if, you were in the middle of fucking me?"

Your action stuttered for a split second, caught off guard by how innocent Minghao sounded saying something so explicit. "Y-Yes," you replied. "Even if I was fucking you, if you wanted to stop, I would. Just say the word, baby."

"Okay," was all he added before turning back to the headboard.

"Do you think you're ready for this, or do you want my fingers, baby?"

Minghao shuddered at the way you asked, feeling dirty about the whole situation. But he was ready for something just slightly bigger, and his cock twitched at the thought of you fucking him the way he's done to you countless times before. "I-I'm ready," he said.

"Are you sure?" You questioned when you noticed he seemed a little hesitant again.

"I'm sure, I promise."

You nodded silently as you took some more lube and spread it on Minghao's entrance, making him moan slightly. You pressed the dildo against him. It was a smooth light pink dildo that Minghao had gotten you months ago for your birthday, and what you almost forgot was that it doubled as a vibrator too. You looked at the bottom of the dildo, seeing the switches and modes of vibrations it had. You smirked as you eased it inside of him slowly.

Minghao winced, "I-It feels w-weird." Minghao closed his eyes, trying to relax somewhat.

Before you were going to say anything, you let the dildo slip inside of him until the hilt stopped you. "How are you doing?"

"Mm, I'm okay, give me a second." He breathed in and out of his nose, before a moan choked out of his throat.

You had switched the toy on, starting at the lowest setting. You wanted Minghao to feel good and help him ease up. "This should make things feel a little bit better." You ran your hand down his back, gripping his ass.

Minghao moaned aloud again as he bucked his hips forward. "A-ah, i-it feels, s-so good."

You tugged on Minghao's collar, making him choke slightly as you pulled him upwards to kiss him. Minghao held the side of your face with his hand, his head strained towards you as your tongues mingled together. You bit the bottom of his lip, earning a moan from him and making you smirk in return. Your hand snaked down his body, gripping his cock. "M-Master," he breathed, gasping as he felt your thumb swipe across his slit.

"Yes, baby?" You teased, stroking him slowly.

He bit back another moan, "P-Please, m-move it."

"You want me to move the toy in you, baby boy?"

Minghao whined at the pet name, nodding his head shyly. "Please, Master."

You smiled at how obedient he was. You obliged and gripped the base of the buzzing dildo. Slowly, you began to move it out of Minghao and easing it back in. You heard him let out a long, drawn out moan. "Like that?" You questioned, seeing him move his hands and lay on his forearms.

"F-Faster," he rasped. His breathing was heavy, shallow as he gripped the sheets from pleasure of the vibrations inside him.

Doing as he told, you began to thrust the toy inside of him a bit faster. Hearing his moans was making your pussy ache even more, knowing for sure there would be a dark, wet spot on your underwear. Your clit developed its own heartbeat, only beating harder after each moan that slipped out of Minghao's pretty lips. You thought of those lips around your clit, biting back a moan. You wanted this to go faster, faster so that Minghao would cum, then make you cum.

You added a bit more lube to the exposed part of the dildo, pushing it back inside him. You moved the toy quicker, hearing Minghao whine each time the base hit against him. "Fuck, that f-feels so good, Master. P-Please, don't stop." Your finger flipped the switch to the second setting, the vibrator buzzing faster and a bit harsher.

Minghao let out a surprised cry, scratching at the sheets. He let out broken moans, one following after another.

"You close again, baby?" You grabbed the toy and began fucking him even faster, making him moan louder.

"Y-Yes.." he whispered, his face laying against the pillow while his ass was up in the air for you.

"Remember what I told you." You merely said, relentlessly thrusting the vibrator deep inside of him.

"Please! Please, please Master! Can I cum? I-I'm so, close." He begged, looking back at you on his hands with his eyes slightly glossed over while his cheeks developed a dark pink hue.

Minghao's hair was tussled, his bangs covering his eyes, along with his flushed face, you couldn't resist. "Go ahead."

He came with a loud, drawn moan, bordering a scream. His body twitched as he stilled and fall back onto the pillow under him. The room was silent minus Minghao's heavy breaths and the buzzing of the vibrator still inside of him. You turned the toy off, slowly pulling it out of him. Minghao gasped at the friction and sighed when it was out. You cleaned up most of the cum that had landed on the sheets under him, not wanting him, or yourself, to lay in it.

"You okay, baby boy?" Rubbing his back, you shifted next to him to look at his face, making sure you didn't hurt him.

He quietly nodded, "I'm perfect," he said.

You moved closer to him, capturing him in a slow, sensual kiss. He moaned into the kiss as your tongue glided over his. You pulled away slowly, "You've been very good for me, Hao." You got up from the bed, rummaging through the box again and taking out something that was out of Minghao's view.

"Mhm?" He said, waiting for you to continue. You turned to face him again and he visibly and audibly swallowed. "You said that you've wanted me to fuck you before, right?"

Minghao was speechless, mouth opening and closing, unable to form words. You wore a strap-on that you had bought weeks ago in preparation for tonight, and you couldn't wait to see his reaction—which frankly is better than you could've imagined.

Minghao's cock twitched as he recalls the night he confessed that to you. Just a moment ago with the dildo was incredible but having his own girlfriend fuck him? He could feel another orgasm coming already. He nodded his head once he got out of his thoughts, eager for you to be inside of him.

"You're gonna be good for me, right baby?" You said getting back on the bed and positioning yourself in front of him. He nodded as you grabbed a pillow for him to lay on top of. "Good. And I hope you know I'm just as excited for this as you are."

Minghao's face began to blush whilst his ears did the same, a cute habit that you always adored about him. "R-Really?"

You nodded as you spread the lube along your strap. Minghao gulped, letting out a whine. "H-Hurry, p-please. I-I want you, in me already." He said, voice lowering to a whisper as he confessed his needs.

Holding back a moan, you looked at him with a lustful stare. "Desperate for me to fuck you, aren't you baby?"

Minghao moaned at your words, feeling his cock twitch. "Mhm," he hummed.

You did as he so cutely said and gripped his thighs, slowly easing yourself into him. He winced slightly as you watched his face intently, keeping an eye out for any uncomfortable expressions. Neither of you could believe this was happening. Out of both of your comfort zone's yet still feeling somehow natural.

"You okay?" You asked as your strap filled him up to the hilt.

He nodded, his eyes shut. "You can move," Minghao said timidly.

"Are you sure baby?" You were afraid you would hurt him or get too caught up in the moment and hurt him.

"Please, Master, fuck me." Was all he said, his words and voice sending a strong pulse to your clit. Everything that you thought before those words left Minghao's mouth, were long gone. You clenched onto his thighs and began doing as he told you to.

Slapping noises filled the room, along with Minghao's moans with each thrust inside him. You kept your eyes on his, seeing every detail and feature that appeared on his face. "Such a dirty boy for me, aren't you, Hao?"

Minghao threw his head back, letting out a high pitched whine, "Y-Yes, Master. O-Only for you." He said, his mouth gaping open.

It was strange to be on the receiving end of what would usually come out of your mouth when Minghao would fuck you the way you are to him. It was strange, but it gave you a whole new sense and feel of power that left you craving more.

Your hips snapped against his as you took one of your hands and grabbed his length—which was leaking profusely onto his stomach—and began to jerk him off while you fucked him. Minghao's face contorted in a state of pleasure you had never seen him in. He gripped the sheets so hard, you could see the whites of his knuckles. "Such a good boy for me, baby."

Minghao moaned at your words, biting his lip. He was so hard and so turned on and so close to cumming again, it embarrassed him. His hand wrapped around your wrist, stopping your movements. "P-Please," he gasped. 

"Please what, baby?" You asked, slowing down your hips slightly.

"Just, f-fuck me, please." He stuttered, swallowing dryly and letting out a broken moan.

You smirked, "Remember who's in charge here, baby boy." And without saying anything else, you bucked your hips faster. "Like that, baby?"

"Yes, please. H-Harder." Minghao grabbed one of your hands that was on his hip and intertwined your fingers together. 

You smiled, contradicting what you were doing to Minghao at the moment. "You're so cute baby, am I fucking you good?"

He panted, eyes squeezing shut. "Yes! You're fucking me s-so good Master, p-please don't stop. I-I'm close."

You let go of Minghao's hand to move your position. You knew that there was a certain spot in you Minghao would hit when he moved your legs over his shoulders--so that's what you did. You moved his legs onto your shoulders and shifted your position, hopefully hitting inside Minghao deeper.

Minghao yelled, "R-Right there! F-Fuck, I-I'm gonna cum-" Minghao grabbed your arm, gripping it tightly as he shoved his head into the pillow. His hips twitched and he felt his eyes roll to the back of his head. Cum shot out of his cock and onto his stomach, also splashing onto his collar. He let out a whine, developing into a moan that broke as his voice got higher. Minghao collapsed slightly, letting out a huff of breath.

You laughed slightly, seeing him worn out and sweaty, not even caring that he came without your permission. His hair stuck to his forehead, tiny droplets falling onto his cheeks while a layer of sweat covered his bare torso. You slowly pulled out of Minghao, making him wince. You tossed it onto the floor and stood up to make a trip to the bathroom to get a wash rag to clean Minghao up.

When you returned, you took a second to admire him. You quietly grabbed the camera off the bedside table and took a quick photo. Minghao seen the flash and felt your presence and turned to you. He giggled, "That was, probably the best anniversary gift you've ever given me." He said, out of breath.

You chuckled as you approached him, cleaning off the semi dried cum on his stomach. "I'm glad that it didn't go south."

Minghao hummed, "You didn't cum though." He mentioned, taking off his collar and rubbing his neck slightly.

You waved a hand at him, signaling that you didn't mind. "You can make it up to me on our next anniversary."

He smirked, and grabbed your hand, pulling you on top of him. "I'll make sure you can't walk for weeks, baby girl."

--

a/n: wow i finally posted! hope u guys enjoyed this, i know i did ;)

[lovemesomesurveys]

Where were you 3 hours ago? Right here in bed; sleeping.

Who are you in love with? No one.

Have you ever eaten a crayon? Nah, I wasn’t that kid.

Is there anything pink within feet of you? Yeah, a shirt.

When is the last time you went to the mall? A couple weeks ago.

Are you wearing socks right now? I’m always wearing socks.

Do you have a car worth over $2,000? I don’t have a car at all since I don’t drive.

When was the last time you drove out of town? I never have, personally, but the last time I went out of town was this past Wednesday.

Have you been to the movies in the last days? It was a couple weeks ago.

Are you hot? I’m not hot in terms of attractiveness nor am I currently hot temperature wise.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Water.

What are you wearing right now? Black pajama shorts with Baby Yoda print and a green t-shirt dress with a little Baby Yoda in the upper left corner and “The Mandalorian” written across the top on the back in all caps.

Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it? --

Last food that you ate? Ramen and half a bologna sandwich.

Where were you last week at this time? Right here in bed.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Yes.

When is the last time you ran? Uhhhhh.

What's the last sporting event you watched? I catch tiny bits here and there of the olympics when my dad is watching it, but I really have no interest in it.

What is your favorite animal? Dogs and giraffes.

Your dream vacation? I want to travel and do different things.

Last person's house you were in? One of my aunt’s house.

Worst injury you've ever had? The one that made me a paraplegic. 

Have you been in love? Yes.

Do you miss anyone right now? Loved ones who have passed away. Last play you saw? The Phantom of the Opera a few years ago.

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Haaa, there’s nothing alluring about me.

What are your plans for tonight? Nothing out of the ordinary.

Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment? I have no idea, it’s been well over a decade since I’ve been on Myspace.  Next trip you are going to take? Hopefully, I’ll be going to the beach again sometime this upcoming week.

Ever go to camp? I’ve been to science camp and Girl Scout camp.

Were you an honor roll student in school? Yep, all throughout.

What do you want to know about the future? I don’t know to be honest because the future scares me.

Are you wearing any perfume or cologne? Nope.

Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit? I see doctors regularly.

Where is your best friend? She’s still asleep.

How is your best friend? Stressed about some things, but doing okay.

Do you have a tan? Ha, so when I went to the beach last week of all places just the tops of both my hands got sunburned, which then turned into a tan. That’s all I got lol. I was sitting in a tent for awhile and I was wearing a jacket because where we were was pretty cold near the water (I loved it, though), plus I was wearing leggings, so I was covered except for my hands and I guess with my positioning the sun hit right on top of ‘em just right.

What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

Do you collect anything? Giraffe stuffed animals and knickknacks, key chains, pins.

Who is the biggest gossiper you know? Hmm.

Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over. Why? I’ve never been pulled over by the cops before. <<<

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? I drink all my drinks with a straw.

What does your last text message say? I don’t feel like checking.

Do you like hot sauce? I loved hot sauces, but I can’t eat spicy stuff anymore. :( I can only handle the really weak stuff, like the ones you get from fast food places that only have less than 2% of anything spicy. I’ll take what I can get, though.

Last time you took a shower? A couple days ago.

Do you need to do laundry? No.

Are you someone's best friend? No.

Are you rich? Nope. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? I think I was coloring.

If you were an ice cream flavor what would you be? *shrug*

What Starbucks drink would you be? I don’t know.

If you could go to any college which one would you go to? I went and graduated college already, I’m good.

What's your favorite tv show at the moment? I have several.

Do you wish you lived in a different state/ city? Yes.

would you rather have chocolate ice cream or vanilla? Vanilla, for sure.

What's you best feature? Nothing.

Are you smart? I feel I’m just very average.

Are you stupid? I feel I am in some ways. Like, some of the things I do or don’t do I’m like, ‘wtf is wrong with you dumbass??’

Are you getting tired? It’s just now 9:02AM and I’ve only been up for less than an hour so I’m still feeling sleepy.

What's your name? Stephanie.

Age? 32.

Do you prefer to date people who are younger or older? Older.

What's most attractive about another person? Depends on the particular individual person, I’d say. <<<

What's your favorite food? Ramen, garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings from Wingstop, chicken tenders, over-easy eggs, especially with country gravy, pizza, spaghetti and meatballs, pesto pasta, bologna and turkey sandwiches, chips and dip...

Would you rather go on a one on one date or a group date? Both, it just depends. 

What's your fav. drink? Coffee, Coke, Cherry Coke, Pepsi, Wild Cherry Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink, milkshakes, and Yoo-Hoo.

Can you dance? Nope.

What do you think of the word sex? Uhh.

are these questions random? Sure.

Do you own a pet? if so how many and what kind? Yep, I have a doggo. Oh, so here’s something interesting-- we always thought she was a German Shepherd and Lab mix, but according to this app my brother got that does a scan of a photo of your pet and then tells you their breed(s) she’s neither of those. It gave us 3 top breeds and I forget two of them, but one is Beagle. Another was Australian something or other, I’m not sure. Ugh, it’s going to bug me now, ha. But yeah, I was really surprised because we were so sure about her having German Shepherd and Lab in her.

Are you confident? I’m confident that I’m not.

Do you consider yourself attractive? Not even a little bit. 

Are you glad this is over? I wouldn’t say that. I felt like doing a survey and this one was fine.

[created by: delende]

[mcwriting]

starstruck (8)

Hellooooo... sorry I didn’t post this on Friday, I was super busy all day/night finishing up my summer college course + other stuff. I haven’t finished 9 yet so it should go up next week :)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

Fandom: Tom Holland

Ship: Tom x reader

Setting: LA, Seoul

Word Count: 1964

Warnings: maybe some mild language idk

Rating: K+

                             __________________________________

Tom burst through the door of the hotel room being used as a lounge for his and his castmates’ teams while they did press.

He was late, and his management stood up as soon as they noticed him.

“Thomas! Where have you been? We’ve been calling all morning! This isn’t a good look,” his publicist started.

“Yeah we’ve been having to make excuses for over a half hour for you. Everyone else started interviews ten minutes ago. Let’s get you in there,” the manager continued.

“No,” Tom replied blankly. 

“What?” they asked at the same time.

“I said no. I’m not doing things on your volition anymore. I’m tired of disappointing people and living a fake life just because you two have decided against the things I want to do. I’m sorry to do this right now, but you’re both fired.”

“You can’t be serious Tom. You know me! I’ve been with you for years!” his now ex-manager said.

“Yeah, come on. Who’s going to keep you relevant without me?” the former publicist asked.

“I think I’ll be able to manage just fine by myself, and if I want new help I’ll find someone better than both of you. You two have been jeopardizing my personal life for far too long in the name of fame and I can’t stand for it any longer. Harry will arrange for you two to get to your homes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go do my job.”

With that, Tom walked across the hall into the interview room, where he was met with a few cheers and the smiling faces of his costars.

                             __________________________________

“How are we gonna get her back to you?” Harrison asked late that night as everyone huddled around a table eating snacks. “I mean, I don’t think she’s going to come running back into your arms any time soon.”

The boys munched on chips and swigged Korean beer as they contemplated. Tom felt like a weight was off his shoulders now that he was free from his management.

“Doesn’t she have that friend? Maybe she could help us out.” Sam suggested. 

“I don’t know, man. Y/n said she’s a huge fan. But they’re also best friends. Would she even be willing to let me near y/n? And if so, do you think she’d keep a secret that big?” Tom replied.

“It’s worth a shot, innit? Maybe she’d understand?” Harry thought aloud.

After some deliberation, the boys settled on sending b/f/n a dm through Harrison’s instagram to seem slightly less conspicuous in case you happened to notice her dms.

They didn’t expect an immediate reply. Midnight in Seoul was 8 am in LA, but luckily b/f/n had woken up early to work out since you were going to her house later that day.

The message asked her to help you and Tom reconnect and hopefully reconcile in person, and asked her to keep it a secret.

She was shocked to say the least, and unsure of whether to trust them after the hurt you’d experienced, but finally answered back after a few minutes.

Okay. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know I can get her to this formal next Friday night if you can make it. 

She sent a link to the page for the upcoming event. It was a fundraiser gala for people of all ages. The site said it was sold out, but Tom knew he could probably find a way in.

That’s perfect. All you need to do is get her there. And you absolutely cannot tell her any of this or the whole thing might be ruined

Oh believe me, I won’t. I honestly want this as much as you guys, she’s been super bummed still and I just want to see her happy again. I’ll try to get back to you with her dress color and stuff if you want to coordinate.

Perfect. We’ll be in touch.

The boys fistpumped and high fived as they planned out flights and scheduling and finding a way to get those tickets. Eventually, they retired to their respective hotel rooms, since Tom would have one last day of press before heading home.

                             __________________________________

Back in LA, b/f/n was now standing with you in her kitchen, watching you mix up some sauce for mac and cheese.

She leaned back against the counter as you stirred and added ingredients.

“Hey are you still going to the formal next Friday?” b/f/n asked.

“The what?” You didn’t look up.

“Remember? The big formal next week? All our friends are gonna be there.”

You thought about it for a second and then looked over at her as you turned off the stove burner.

“Oh my God. I totally forgot about that. I guess not since, 1: it’s probably sold out, and 2: I don’t have anything to wear.”

B/f/n smirked, turning to pick something up from behind her while you poured the sauce and pasta into a baking dish, topping it with breadcrumbs.

“Well I think I have the first thing covered…” she trailed, holding up two tickets.

“You didn’t,” you smiled, stepping away from the dish. “No way.”

“Yes, way. I figured you’d forgotten with everything going on and snagged one up, even though I was mad at you. Who else would I take as my date? It’s not like I have a boyfriend.”

You went up and hugged her.

“You are literally the best friend ever.”

“Yeah, I know,” she replied proudly.

“But I still don’t have a dress. I don’t even know where to start,” you worried aloud as you put the pasta in the oven.

“Well… I kind of maybe looked up places at the mall that have dresses I know you’d like.”

“Oh my gosh. Is that why you want to go to the mall so bad? I can’t tell if I love or hate you for that.”

“You know you love me. Now how long is that mac and cheese gonna be? My stomach is growling.”

                             __________________________________

After your pasta lunch, b/f/n and you drove to the mall, where she took you to 3 different dress shops. You were relieved to find that no one had followed you, as it seemed interest in you had diminished after everything you’d said.

“I’m getting the feeling I’m not gonna find anything I like. Maybe we should just give up,” you suggested after almost two hours of trying things on.

“Come on. There’s one more place at this mall and I saved it for last because there’s a dress I think you’ll really like.”

She drug you through the building and up an escalator until you finally came upon the shop. There were some really pretty dresses in the window display, so you felt a little bit less nervous when you walked in.

An employee asked if you needed help upon entering. B/f/n showed her a screenshot on her phone, and the lady immediately led you towards the back of the store. She pulled a black bag from the rack and hung it on another one near the dressing rooms.

“I think this is the one you’re looking for. Let me know if you need anything else,” she said, walking off.

“Okay, y/n. Close your eyes so I can unzip the bag. I want to surprise you.”

You did as told, putting a hand over your face for good measure. You heard the zipper and some rustling before b/f/n told you to look.

You opened your eyes to find a long, navy, satin dress staring right back at you.

“Whoa,” you whispered, going up to inspect it closely.

It was beautiful. It had a classic ball gown shape with a slit up the thigh and a beaded lace bodice. The neckline was in a deep V and the straps came up and over your shoulders. The back was low cut and a thin strip of silver beads circumvented the waistline.

“Sooo… what do you think?” b/f/n questioned.

“I- b/f/n. This is incredible.”

“Wanna try it on?”

You nodded enthusiastically and stepped into a dressing room with it. After a good minute of struggling through the inner tulle layers, you finally got it secure and was able to zip it yourself.

When you stepped out of the room and saw yourself in the mirror, you gasped.

“Y/n. You look amazing. What do you think?”

You didn’t answer her because you were too focused on how you looked to even process what she said.

“How are you ladies do- wow. That’s a gorgeous look on you,” the lady from before said as she came around the corner.

She helped adjust it a little, seeing whether it needed alterations or not.

“You’re in luck. This fits you like a glove. It does seem a bit long, but I’m assuming you’ll wear heels?”

You nodded, still speechless.

“So? This the one?” b/f/n asked.

“Yes. Absolutely yes,” you returned, beaming.

“I’ll go ring you up, then,” the employee said, leaving you to take off the dress and put your normal, boring clothes back on. You’d initially been saving up to buy a dress, and still had the funds since forgetting about it.

You and b/f/n hauled the dress bag around like your lives depended on it as you went on a search for matching shoes.

It took another half hour or so of walking around stores and trying on heels before you found a pair.

They were strappy and silver and the perfect height for your dress length. You couldn’t believe your luck.

                             __________________________________

Now that you’d finally gotten everything, you and b/f/n headed to your house so you could show your parents, who were by then off work.

Your dad was fixing himself a snack when you both came in the door, you wrangling the dress over your head and her carrying the shoe box.

“Woah, girls. Whatcha got there?” he asked.

“Just my dress for the fundraiser formal next Friday…”

“Oh yeah I forgot about that. I think your mom and I will be skipping out this year but I’m glad you’re getting to go.”

“I forgot too until b/f/n reminded me. I’ll go put it on here in a minute. Where’s mom?”

“She’s in the office. Why don’t you surprise her?” he suggested, so you did exactly that. 

You quickly got the dress and shoes on (with b/f/n’s help) and tried to quietly come down the hall. It was difficult since your heels clacked, your dress swished, and you and b/f/n tried not to let out cackles.

You popped just your head in the office doorway.

“Hey mom. What are you up to?”

“Oh hey honey. I’m just filing some charts. I’m almost done. Why?” she replied, only looking up from the computer to initially address you.

“Well I just wanted you to see something. And by something, I mean this.”

You slid into full view, and your mother’s jaw dropped. B/f/n appeared in the doorway behind you.

“Sweetie, you look beautiful! Did you just get this today?” you nodded as she got up to look at the dress closer. “Is this for next week?”

“Yeah. B/f/n bought me tickets and then took me out to look at dresses today,” you slung an arm around her shoulder. “I basically have the best friend in the world.”

“Well I love it and I’m so excited to see you both dressed up together next week. I think this is the perfect symbol for new beginnings!”

With that you gave a “hear, hear!” in agreement.

                             __________________________________

Tag List: @marvel-lously, @jackiehollanderr, @one-big-fangirl, @dreamyvans, @lisannehus, @honeymoonpeter, @shootingstarsaretearsofheaven, @chenellearose, @photoshopart15, @parkeret, @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch, @racewife2004

To be added, pls message me or send an ask. Also lmk if you’d like to be part of my permanent tag list!

[is0gild]

Ice Cream and Fire Oven Pizza - Chapter 17

Pairing: Elsa x Lea/Axel || Side Pairing: Riku x OC

Summary: Modern AU. She's an introvert ball of nerves who works at Ice Palace, a mall food court ice cream shop. He's the outgoing, sassy goofball who works at the Pizza Planet across the way. Hilarity, snark, and fluffy romcom hijinks ensue.

Word Count: 12,131

FIRST CHAPTER || PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER

Credit for super friggin’ cute and super friggin’ amazing cover art goes to the super friggin’ talented ky-jane here on tumblr!

Day three of Operation Boyfriend But Shh Not Really and so far, so good.

Though the thought of this triple date had my inner recluse curling up into the fetal position, I'd manage to convince myself it actually was a good thing when you really thought about it. One, it gave me more practice for trying to do this whole couply… thing I was trying to do. More practice meant I'd eventually, hopefully be more comfortable with it all, as well as less chance for screw-ups in front of my parents when the dreaded but inevitable weekend with them at last came. Two, we were trying to maintain this image of being boyfriend and girlfriend in front of everyone else at the mall. And boyfriends and girlfriends went on dates. What better way to be seen going on said dates than by going out with other actual couples? And three, we couldn't forget about the person the Duke had hired to tail Anna originally and could quite possibly still be keeping tabs on me now. If they were still out there lurking, it was important that they, even more so than anyone else,see me dating.

It was still kind of weird to think about - that an actual, real life PI or whatever had been surveilling me constantly for who knows how long and I'd had no idea. It felt so surreal. Unreal even. But the Duke was absolutely that crazy and I wouldn't put it past him to still have someone keeping an eye on me, looking for any cracks in the story, any slip-ups or mistakes. I'd have to start paying attention more when I was out and about, see if I could figure out who it was, spot any faces that seemed to always show up everywhere I went.

But then, even if I did identify a likely culprit, I would have absolutely no idea what to do with that information once I had it. Even if I marched right up to them and told them their cover had been blown so they may as well scram, the Duke was just insane enough and rich enough to keep hiring new people to do the job instead.

...jeez, I was really starting to sound paranoid now, wasn't I?

With my luck, it'd turn out the Duke no longer had anyone following me after he'd confronted me in the food court.

Best not to think about it too much, because honestly? It'd get me nowhere.

Sighing, I banished the thoughts from my head as I watched the buildings blur past my window from the backseat of Riku's silver Ford Focus. The three of us were on our way to the restaurant now and Lea, Kairi and Sora were going to meet us there. My hand anxiously smoothed out the creases of my outfit - a dark magenta sheath dress with long sleeves and a hemline at the knees. It had a tastefully low v-neckline and a double layered skirt, the top layer made of a shimmering gossamer material. Nice, but nothing too fancy for our "nothing too fancy" date, to use Kairi's words.

Per Lea's request, I'd also worn his leather jacket. It made sense, after all. Nothing screamed "dating" more than one half of a couple wearing their other half's clothes, so it certainly helped maintain the facade. His boy scent still lingered on it, even though he hadn't worn it in a couple of days now, given it had been in my possession. The smell was somehow both soothing and butterflies-in-the-stomach inducing at the same time. It was an odd mix of emotions, to say the least.

I felt a buzz in the jacket's pocket. Pulling out my phone (gosh, it was so weird having one again after going so many weeks without) I checked my notifications to discover I'd received a text.

Well, speak of the devil.

Still cant believe u didnt lemme come pick u up

Shaking my head with a small snort, I tapped out a reply to Lea.

It just made the most logical sense for me to ride with Riku and Rayne since we were all coming from the same place.

Rayne suddenly cried out happily, drawing my attention to her as she clapped and bounced in the front passenger seat. "Ahh, I'm still just so excited for date night! Good food, great company, hot hubby," she slyly pinched Riku's cheek, which he endured with dignity as he drove. "What more could a girl ask for?"

He chuckled as he shifted the car over into the turn lane. "You make it sound like I never take you out."

"You know that's not what I mean!" she playfully smacked his shoulder. "But with the baby on the way, I don't know how many more of these I'll have! This is one of my last chances to enjoy freedom! Jesus take the fucking wheel, hallelujah!"

I felt my phone vibrate in my hand again and I looked down at it.

I know not this logic u spk of

I felt a tiny smile pulling at my mouth as my thumbs typed.

Don't worry about it. Tis beyond your mortal ken.

"I just hope no one's drinking tonight," Riku snerked as I watched those three dots bounce at the bottom of my screen. "Don't need you dancing on any more tables, thank you very much."

"Your face dances on tables!" Rayne shot back, sticking her tongue out at him.

"That doesn't even make any sense."

"You don't even make any sense!"

Rude. Ill have u know I had half a mind 2 drive ovr n get u NEway, logic b damned

My smile turned a touch wicked.

I'm impressed. That's half a mind more than you usually have.

"Here we are!"

My head shot up as I heard the engine shut down. I hadn't even realized we were in a parking lot. I hadn't even realized the vehicle had stopped moving.

As I looked out my window again, I heard Rayne saying, "Have I mentioned how happy I am we're doing this?"

"You may have said something about that once or twice." I could hear the smile in Riku's low voice.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her leaning over towards him, her hand coming up to run slender fingers through his long, ashen strands. "Yeah, but maybe I should show you."

"Maybe you should…"

And that's when I, being the absolute clueless, blissfully naive little fool that I was, chose to turn and fully look at them, just in time to get a front row seat to their little game of tonsil hockey. I blushed, threw up a hand to block my line of sight and made a tiny noise of disgust in my throat. "Ugh! You know you're not the only people in the car, right?"

Rayne pulled away to smirk back at me. "Well, other people can shoo," she flicked a dismissive hand in my direction before grabbing Riku by his collar and yanking him over for a deeper, more passionate kiss. Ding, ding, round two!

Squeaking, I fumbled with my seatbelt until I heard the click release, threw my car door open, stumbled out and slammed it shut behind me with a huff.

Oi, that was the main drawback to this group date plan. We were going to be around actual couples, and actual couples actually, ahem… snogged. Rayne and Riku were going to be bad enough, but let's not forget Sora and Kairi were along for the ride too and I'd seen firsthand how gross those two could be as well. Mark my word, this night was going to have more than its fair share of uncomfortable moments with those four around, being all besotted and smitten and other such rot. But I would survive this and make it through to the other side. Somehow.

Sweeping my braid forward over one shoulder, I glanced up at the building before me now. It bore a colorful banner over its entrance that read Fuente Del Oro. A local, family-owned Mexican restaurant, or so Rayne had told me. I could already tell this was going to be a very different experience from the types of restaurants my ex used to take me to for our dates. Those restaurants had all been about the look, the prestige… you didn't go to any of those places for the food, you went there to be seen, to give off an air of importance. Those places were… dull. Lifeless. This place before me now, on the other hand, was… nice. Colorful. Vibrant and full of character. Not elegant or frilly, but warm and inviting. And the aromas that I could smell coming from it, even all the way out here? Delicious.

I was actually kind of looking forward to this.

Phone still in my grasp, I looked back down at it and frowned.

No message back from Lea yet.

A giggle suddenly echoed out across the parking lot and my eyes snapped towards the source. It didn't take long to spot Kairi a few vehicles over, squirming and laughing in Sora's arms as he hugged her from behind, blowing raspberries against her neck. They were standing with a very familiar redhead who was leaning against a very familiar black muscle car. Said redhead had pulled his hair back into a ponytail again and was dressed in a snug, black tee with a second shirt on underneath, red and black horizontal stripes running down its full-length sleeves. His slim, dark jeans made his already long legs seem even longer and he was sporting his bright red Converse. He had his phone in hand in front of him, but it wasn't the phone he was looking at. Our eyes met and a grin tugged at one corner of his lips.

Suddenly, whatever boldness that I had felt behind the safety of text on the tiny, glowing screen in the palm of my hand had abandoned me and I felt a small pang of anxiety pierce my chest.

But I rallied.

Alright, Elsa, pep talk time. You can do this. You've been mentally and emotionally preparing for this since yesterday. Let him throw at you whatever fluffy, sappy moves he decides to today, all in the name of pretending to be your boyfriend. You can take it.

Shields raised and at full power, captain!

Inhaling and exhaling slowly, I pocketed my mobile and started making my way over to those three. Probably hearing my footsteps against the asphalt, Kairi and Sora looked over at me as I approached and greeted me with waves. I gave them a shy smile and returned the wave as Lea held his phone up, turning the screen towards me and showing the last message I'd sent him as he tsked, "Brutal. You wound me, madame."

I stopped a few feet away from him, my smile twitching wider. "You like it."

"True. What can I say, I've always been a bit of a masochist," he hummed a low chuckle, slipping his phone into the back pocket of his pants. His head tipped to one side and he stared at me for another second, then his eyes crinkled as he stretched a hand out towards me with a soft, "C'mere."

I bit my bottom lip, hesitating for a heartbeat before moving another step forward to take his offered hand.

"Lookit you," he whistled, closing his fingers around mine and leading me into a little twirl. "Digging the look." He then gently pulled me against him, drawing my arms up to hug his neck before slipping his hands beneath the jacket to wrap around my waist, enveloping me in his cinnamon scent. "Didn't get a chance to say it the other day, but my jacket suits you."

I rolled my eyes up at him, doing my best to be impervious to our sudden closeness. I wasn't succeeding. "Not really. It's too big."

"Yes really," he insisted, bowing his head slightly towards mine. "It looks way better on you than it ever did on me."

"Where's Riku and Rayne?" Sora interjected and I turned my head to look at him.

"They-" my words tripped over my tongue as Lea pressed a tender kiss to my temple.

Critical hit, captain! Shields down to thirty percent, but holding!

Ignoring the heat rushing to my face, I did my best to regather my scattered thoughts. "They, uh… they're back in the, uh… the…" Drat, what was the word again? "...car! They're back in the… the car."

Sora pulled a face. "Swapping spit, no doubt."

"Oh-ho, we'll see about that! C'mon, Sora!" Kairi cackled with an evil gleam in her eye, slipping free of her boyfriend's hold to instead grab his hand and pull him behind her as she ran off towards Riku's car.

"Seriously," Lea spoke up again, his voice hushed as I slowly returned my gaze to his. "Pretty sure I've lost all claim to that jacket. It belongs to you now."

My eyelids drooped. "That's not how that works."

"Sure it is." He rested his forehead against mine and I could feel his thumb rubbing light circles against the fabric of my dress just above my hip. "You don't choose a leather jacket, it chooses you. And trust me, that one has definitely picked you over me."

I gave a soft snort. "I'm giving it back to you after tonight."

"Don't you dare," he chided, his breath warming my lips. "You'll hurt the jacket's feelings."

"Stop anthropomorphizing the jacket." I was fighting a smile now.

"Make me," he murmured, something in his voice causing my insides to do that whole warm, fuzzy, squishy thing.

And the academy award for best leading actor in the role of Elsa's boyfriend goes to this guy right here.

But had to say, I thought he might be overdoing it a bit. I mean, Sora and Kairi weren't even around anymore to hear any of this. And if we were being monitored by someone under my great uncle's payroll, they certainly couldn't hear it either. I suppose Lea just… really liked getting into character?

Clearing my throat, I unclasped my hands from behind his neck and shifted them down to his chest in an attempt to push myself free of his grasp as I whispered, "We, ah… should probably go speak to the hostess now."

However, his hold on me didn't loosen, his arms remaining firmly secured around my waist. He didn't say anything, just continued to grin down at me. His eyes became hooded as they flicked down to my lips now, making my heart skip a beat.

What was he-?

A sudden loud yelp ruptured the air around us.

Rayne.

Followed by an annoyed yell of, "Goddamnit, Sora! Kairi!"

And that would be Riku.

The two delinquents in question blurred past us and towards the restaurant's front doors, whooping and snickering and razzing their tongues back at their victims climbing out of the Ford Focus. "We'll grab us a table!" Sora called quickly at the same time Kairi shouted, "See ya inside!" Then they both disappeared through the entrance with Rayne and Riku hot on their heels.

I heard Lea sigh. Or maybe he didn't. It was so soft that it was fully possible that I imagined it. Then he released me, slipping one hand into mine and jerking a thumb towards the restaurant with a lopsided smile, "Shall we?"

I stared at him, feeling the night air cool my warmed face. Then I gave a tentative nod and let him lead me inside.

The others hadn't made it far past the doors and we stepped in to find Riku doling out Sora's punishment: death by a thousand noogies. Sora was smacking his cousin's arm and trying to wriggle free, but to no avail. Apparently Kairi had gotten off with only a warning for she was standing off to one side with Rayne, both cracking up as they watched the boys. I looked past them, taking in the restaurant. Strings of fairy lights hung from the ceiling intermixed with strings of multi-colored papers, each bearing cutouts depicting various imagery. The walls were painted with murals of fantastical, mythical creatures of various shapes and sizes with wings and prismatic fur, feathers and scales. This place was absolutely beautiful.

Once the roughhousing had finally settled down, we all approached the hostess, an extremely tiny, extremely old lady wearing a name tag that read Coco who seemed far more interested in napping than greeting new customers. However, she woke up long enough to squint at her list and find our reservation before calling over a man to seat us. He led us through the restaurant and to a large booth in one of the back corners, leaving menus, chips and salsa on the table before flashing us a warm, genuine smile and saying he'd be back to take our orders in a minute.

I started shrugging out of the jacket, feeling Lea assist me before folding it over his arm and gesturing towards the booth with bow and a, "Lady's first." Smiling at him, I took a seat and scooched towards the middle. Lea wasn't too far behind, sitting close enough for our knees to bump against one another. He tossed the jacket on the back shelf of the booth before draping his arm across the top of the cushioned seat behind my head. Rayne took the spot to my left with Riku of course beside her, and on the other side of Lea sat Kairi and Sora. The waiter came back after giving us a little time to peruse the menus and he gathered our food requests before dashing off again.

"So Ray," Kairi piped up, popping a heavily salsa-laden chip into her mouth, "how's the preggers-life treating you?"

"Really well," she nodded contentedly, one hand going to her tummy. "The jellybean's happy and healthy so far and I've just started barely showing in the past couple weeks. No weird food cravings yet, thank god, but those are supposed to be right around the corner."

Sora leaned forward, propping his chin in both hands and beamed, "Do we know yet if I have a lil nephew or niece on the way?"

"We're cousins, Sora. Nephews and nieces would only be if we were brothers," Riku corrected with a wry curve to his lips.

"We don't know yet," Rayne shook her head, "but I'm about four months along now, so hoping to find out at our next appointment."

Lea had shifted his hand to dangle down so he could idly twiddle my braid between his fingers. I could also sense his gaze on me, causing a bit of a flutter in the pit of my stomach. Reminding myself he was just playing a part and it wasn't real, I resisted the urge to squirm and instead pretended not to notice, directing all my focus into reaching for a chip to dip into the salsa.

"Well whatever the wee monkey turns out to be, you can bet Auntie Kairi and Unkie Sora will be here to shower it with all the love and kisses!" Kairi cooed.

Riku twitched and frowned. "I just said that isn't how it-"

"Shush, hon, they're just teasing you now," Rayne poked his cheek with a laugh before looking back over at Kairi. "And you? How's the new gig over at Mickey's going? You've been there, what? About a week now?"

"Mm-hm! It's been a lot of fun working the jewelry counter. Oh sure, there's the occasional asshole customer, but turns out I'm really good at killing them with kindness."

Riku kicked Sora's foot under the table, "What about you, ya freeloader? Any prospects yet?"

He shrugged with that big smile he seemed to always have permanently glued to his face. Just looking at it was starting to make my cheeks hurt. "Couple of interviews coming up, so we'll see!"

Smirking, Riku said, "Can't wait to hear how you screw them up this time, knucklehead."

"Hey!"

Kairi turned to look our direction now. "So what's new and exciting with you two, hm? Lea, you just had that big test, right?" Silence was her answer as I went for another chip. "Lea? Hello, earth to... ah-ha, there!" She rocketed up to her feet, slamming one hand down on the table and pointing the other right in Lea's face. "Lost puppy look!"

"Hm, what now?" he jolted, his hand jerking away from my braid to lay across the booth backrest once more. "Lost pup-? Bah, I told you already, there's no lost puppy look. You need to get your eyes checked, princess."

She scoffed, plopping heavily back down into her seat and smugly take a sip of her soda. "Please. You were bad at hiding it when you guys were dating in secret, and you're even worse at it now that it's all out in the open."

"What's the deal there anyhow?" Sora cocked his head at me. "There's all sorts of wild rumors flying around the mall, like that you're runaway royalty from some far off country just living off the lam now."

"What?!" I blanched, gawking in disbelief. Doing my best to recover with a tiny, awkward laugh, I hastily said, "No, nothing quite so, ah… dramatic. My parents, they're… well off, to be sure, but certainly not royalty. And not from so far away either. Just Arendelle, which is only about an hour north of here."

Chewing on her straw, Kairi eagerly leaned in closer, "I'd love to hear the story of how you two met!"

I stiffened.

Fudge.

Welp, add that to my ever growing list of things I should have thought about in advance but failed miserably to do so. I fiddled a chip between my fingers as I tucked in my bottom lip. Shoot, what was I supposed to tell her? It's not like I'd gotten any better at lying in the past few days since my visit with Father. In fact, I'd been mostly skirting by since then by dodging questions and letting people fill in the blanks for themselves so I didn't have to. Heart thudding in my chest, I opened my mouth, not quite fully sure yet what was going to come out.

"Last summer," Lea was quicker. "In another city."

"Oh, during that big cross-country road trip you took?" Rayne asked him as she leaned into her husband who slung an arm around her shoulders.

Lea tapped his own nose, "That'd be the one, Raindrop."

Kairi gasped, "You two met in a foreign city? How romantic! That's the dream!"

"You have to leave the country in order for it to be a foreign city," Riku shook his head.

"Cram it, you knew what I meant!"

"It was like one of those scenes straight outta a movie," Lea planted an elbow on the table, rubbing a curled finger over his smirk as he watched me out of the corner of his eye. "There I was, just strolling along minding my own business, smack dab in the middle of a jam-packed city street. But then the crowd parted and there she stood. The most gorgeous creature to ever walk the face of this or any other planet in all the cosmos."

Cue my face turning all new shades of red never before witnessed in the history of human eyesight.

Jeez, laying it on a bit thick there, Lea, don't you think?

"So whatdja do?" Kairi pressed, eyes bright and on the edge of her seat. "Sweep her off her feet right then and there?"

He snerked, "Shit no, I walked headfirst into a lamppost."

I smothered a grin behind my hand as the rest of the table erupted into laughter. Sora reached over to punch him lightly in the arm, "Smooth, ya stud. What city was this anyway?"

"Corona," I was the one to answer, surprising myself. Suddenly self-conscious with all eyes turning to me, I quietly added, "I was there for part of my vacation last year."

"By yourself?" Rayne quirked a dubious eyebrow at me. She knew this story was as made-up as my current relationship status was. I could only assume she was trying to poke holes in order to help us solidify this little tale that was being spun so we'd be more prepared for the next time we had to tell the lie.

The thing is, the best lies have a grain of truth to them. I really had been in Corona last summer. "No, I was taking the trip with Anna. We were actually staying over in Traverse Town, but had planned to visit Corona for the day to enjoy a festival there, since it was only a short train ride away. However, Anna disappeared with a guy before we could go. I'd really been looking forward to this festival though and didn't want to miss it, so I took the train over on my own."

"Wait," Kairi slapped both hands down in front of her, eyes widening. "Are you talking about that big lantern festival they do every year?" At my nod, she squealed. "Lucky! Punzie has shown me pictures in magazines, it looks so goddamn pretty! Oh man, I've always wanted to go! Hint, hint," she shouldered Sora, who just chuckled and scratched the back of his head.

"It was actually right as they were launching the lanterns that I saw her," Lea said, folding his arms atop the table now. "She was wearing this cute sundress. White with a lil diamond patterned hem. Split sleeves that were all flowy. Hair down and dancing in the slight breeze." Wow, he was really selling this. He'd even nailed that whole far away look in his eye, like he was seeing something the rest of us couldn't. "And the way those lanterns lit up her smile as she watched them float up, I knew my lowly mortal self was in the presence of a goddess. Knocked the wind right outta me."

"As did that lamppost," Rayne sniggered.

"As did that lamppost," he agreed with a chuckle.

Totally enthralled now, Kairi breathed, "So what happened next?"

"Yeah, what did happen next?" I grinned over at him, the barest note of a challenge to my tone. To the others, it probably just sounded like I was teasing him since obviously I was already supposed to know this story. But now I was almost as invested as Kairi and was genuinely curious where he'd go with it next.

The corners of his eyes crinkled as he looked over at me and he leaned back, propping his elbows up on the back rim of the booth and once more slipping an arm behind my head. "Well after the lantern bit was over, I watched her get onto her train heading back to Traverse Town. So I did what any self-respecting, red-blooded, utterly bewitched male would do: I followed her."

"Stalker," Riku singsonged.

His wife smacked his leg, "Hush, it's sweet!"

He snorted, eyelids drooping, "Yeah, so sweet, the dumbass left his car behind in Corona."

"Psssh, I just took the train back for it later," Lea brushed off. "Anyway, when I found her on board, I sat across from her and worked up the nerve to strike up a conversation."

Rayne looked at me. "You? Talk to a handsome stranger on a train?" She squinted, repeating for emphasis, "You?"

"Heh… what can I say? He can be very charming," I smiled down at my drink, swirling the ice with my straw.

"Even with all of my roguish charm and devilish good looks though, it wasn't easy," Lea laughed. His hand had drifted down to start toying with my braid again. "But she warmed up to me eventually. By the time we arrived at Traverse Town, I was completely smitten. A total goner. She still needed more convincing though, so I managed to persuade her into joining me for a night out on the town. Luckily for me, Traverse Town has a very active night life that goes on for hours long after most other cities have gone to sleep."

"Yeah? Like what?" Sora burbled out around a mouth full of chips, making Kairi giggle as she put a hand over his face to hide it.

He pursed his lips to one side, looking up at the ceiling, "Oh, nothing too exciting. Few odds and ends here and there though… wandering around a record store… a café with a palm reader… a street poet at one sidewalk corner, a belly dancer at another, some stargazing in a park…" Now he smirked over at me, "A carnival with a kiss at the top of the ferris wheel."

A mock gasp from Rayne, "Scandal! And you with a fiancé, young lady!"

I looked away, suddenly feeling guilty and flustered over something that hadn't even really happened. "...ferris wheels can be very enchanting."

And my streak of helping the lie along while not actually lying myself successfully continues!

"And then, and then?" Kairi insisted impatiently, just eating this whole bit of fiction right up.

He chuckled and shrugged, "Just mostly a lot of meandering the streets and talking. We were out all night and watched the sunrise together. Eventually, she had to go meet up with her sister so they could move on to another city for the next leg of their lil vay-kay. But I didn't let her leave without agreeing to meet with me again in a few months."

Kairi was slackjaw now as she whispered, "And did she?"

"Mm-hm!" he hummed happily. "And from there, we kept meeting up, our little get-togethers getting longer and more frequent over time."

"Then what?" She was relentless.

A wolfish curl tugged at one side of his mouth. "What else? I slowly seduced her until she fell helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I could give her," he waggled his eyebrows.

Of course I'd chosen that exact second to be taking a sip of my drink. And of course I promptly spluttered and choked on it. "Excuse me?" I coughed, laughing incredulously as I elbowed him in the gut.

He gave a pained grunt, but grinned and snagged my hand before I could retract it, pressing a kiss to my knuckles. "I mean that in the most gentlemanly and respectful way possible, of course," he winked at me before looking back over at Kairi. "From there, I convinced her to run away from her family and ditch her two-bit, loser fiancé to be with me. And the rest, as they say, is history!"

"Wow!" she sighed dreamily, slumping back and fanning herself. Then she blinked, "Wait…" A gasp. "Oh my god! You swore off dating about a year ago, which was last summer! Was it cuz that's when you two met and it was love at first sight?!"

"Huh. The two certainly seem to line up perfectly, don't they?" he chirped. He'd rested my hand back down onto the table, his on top of mine, threading our fingers together.

Our waiter popped up again just then. "Your food will be just another moment. In the meantime, please allow us to entertain you with some music." He then turned, clapped his hands twice and called out, "Miguel!"

Out charged a boy in his early teens wearing a red hoodie and lugging a guitar that was white, etched in swirly patterns, and nearly as big as he was. He flashed us a smile huge enough to rival one of Sora's and without further preamble, started strumming away and singing. The kid was actually really good too!

Kairi clapped in delight and Rayne cooed over how adorable he was. Sora gaped in awe at the boy's obvious talent while Riku just grinned, digging into the chips. As I watched him perform, I couldn't help but feel Lea's eyes on me once more instead of on our little musician. I shifted in my seat, slipping my hand free of his and bringing it up to tuck some bangs behind my ear, hiding the growing warmth I felt in my cheeks behind my fingers.

At this rate, I didn't know how I was going to survive fake dating this guy for the rest of the evening, let alone for two more weeks.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Lea's hand closed around mine, stopping me in my tracks. I glanced over my shoulder at him, then back towards where Rayne and Riku were climbing into their car across the parking lot. "With them?"

"Ahhhnt," he made a buzzer noise, grinning. "Wrong! Would the contestant care to venture another guess?"

I gave him some side-eye, feeling one corner of my lips turn up. "...with you?"

"Bingo!" He started walking towards his car, gently tugging me along with him. "I was already so rudely denied my god-given right as the boyfriend to pick you up from your place. No way am I missing out on giving you a lift over to the movie theater. Same goes for driving you back home later tonight, so better make your peace with it now. It's happening."

I felt my smile twitch a fraction wider as I fell into step beside him. "I suppose being my chauffeur is quite the honor and privilege. Wouldn't want to take that away from you."

"Glad that's settled then," he gave a chipper nod, unlocking the front passenger door of his vehicle and holding it open for me as I got in. As he then jogged over to the driver's side while I buckled in, there was a loud meep meep of a car horn and I looked up just as a hot pink Jeep blurred past where we were parked - Kairi and Sora, it seemed, going on to the cinema ahead of us. I waved at them just as Lea had settled in himself and started the engine.

"So," I began once we were on the road, resting my temple against my knuckles with my elbow propped on the window sill, still grinning as I watched him out of the corner of my eye, "you took a road trip last summer?"

He gave a low hum of confirmation, reaching over to turn down the volume on the rock oldies station coming through the radio. "Decided to have one last big adventure before I really buckled down and started taking school seriously. Did a lil soul searching, that whole shtick."

"Ah." My gaze focused on the road ahead once more and I hesitated for a second, gnawing on my lower lip. "...that was a nice story you told. About how we met."

Lea chuckled, leaving one hand on the wheel while moving the other to lay atop the headrest of my seat. "Liked it, didja?"

"Oh definitely." Now I hid my growing smile behind my hand, trying to keep a straight face. "Though I have to admit, I think I was a bigger fan of the original movie adaptation."

I watched him visibly stiffen. "The…?"

Tapping a curled finger to my chin, I muttered, "What was the title again? Before Sunrise, I believe?"

He snerked, then broke out into a full laugh. "Crap, ya caught me. Yeah, I may have borrowed from the plot there a tad."

"Just a bit," I shook my head at him. "You're lucky Sora and Kairi haven't seen the film."

"Kinda surprised you have," he turned the car down a road that would take us towards the mall. "Pretty sure it's older than you are."

"Nothing wrong with old movies," I shrugged before wrinkling my nose at him slightly with a tiny smile. "Kind of sappy though. Wouldn't have thought that'd be your kind of movie."

Looking my way, he smirked, "What can I say? I'm a sappy guy. And hey, at least I didn't steal everything from that flick."

"True. The stuff before the train was all you."

"You helped," Lea pointed out as he pulled up to a stop sign. He then tapped his index against the steering wheel a couple times. "...outta curiosity, why'd you say Corona? Out of all the other places you must of visited on your trip, what made you pick that city?"

As the car accelerated once more, I tilted my head in thought. "Don't know really… I guess I just felt it would be a nice place to meet someone new in. That'd it make for a good story." I paused, watching some tail lights streak past us. "...the lantern festival really was beautiful. Have you ever seen it?"

Lea shook his head as he glanced up at the rearview before shifting lanes, "Nah. Had plans to on the road trip, but something else came up."

"A shame," I sighed wistfully. "You missed out."

"Wouldn't say that," he murmured, a warm flicker in his eyes. "'Sides, there's always next time."

"Suppose that's true," I nodded. "Nice touch, by the way, describing the dress I was wearing. I think I might even own one that's pretty close to it." Don't think I'd been wearing it in Corona though. But I couldn't really remember. It had been over a year ago after all.

He laughed again, fingers combing his scalp before returning the hand to my seat, now on a spot next to my ear. "Well, I did help you pack your clothes from your old condo just a couple days ago. I probably saw it then."

"Good point." That made sense. It would have been too much of a coincidence if that'd actually been what I'd had on that day. But now… should I be worried that I hadn't really been in that dress? What if someone found out the mismatch in the story? No… no, that was just me overthinking things again. Even if the tale ever reached the ears of the Duke's goon, it's not like they could go back in time to fact check. "Just one more thing now." My eyes narrowed at him, at odds with my grin. "Might want to edit the ending a bit."

"Which part?" he asked a touch too innocently, already turning us into the Dusk Town Center parking lot. "Running away to be with me? Hasn't that been the story all along?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Try a little before that."

Wouldn't have thought it possible to both purse one's lips and smile at the same time, but Lea proved me wrong in that moment. "Hmm… oh! Well, figured wooing you over the course of months sounded more believable, but if you think it works better as weeks or even days, then-"

"No no. Little after that."

"Well then, now you got me stumped cuz I know you just couldn't possibly be talking about the absolute masterpiece that was the slow seducing, helpless bed falling, pleasure hungry part."

A snort. "Why yes, actually, I could be talking about that and in fact am."

"But that's the best part!" he protested, turning to park in a space right next to a familiar Ford Focus. "It's the heart and soul, the very essence of the story! The pièce de résistance, the crowning glory."

With a good natured scoff, I unfastened my seatbelt as the car shuddered into powering down. "Well decrown it because you're dropping that bit."

He lifted his chin slightly and gave a dignified sniff, "I am a storyteller, El. An arteest. You wouldn't ask Leonardo da Vinci to remove the smile from the Mona Lisa."

Well someone had a high opinion of himself. Which honestly came as zero surprise. I fixed him with a dull stare. "Drop it or your jacket gets a giant, sticky stain before the night is out." And with that, I opened my door.

Lea scrambled out of the car and rushed over to join me on my side just as I slammed the door shut behind me. He had the decency to only spend a couple seconds looking mildly miffed at having been denied the opportunity to open and hold the car door for me before his frown melted into a smile once more. "Jeez, blackmail? Never thought you'd stoop so low. But eh," he shrugged, "jacket's black, it'll be fine."

"You're failing to see the big picture here," I crossed my arms as I waited for Rayne and Riku to get out of their own vehicle. My guess was they were probably going for another round of Seven Minutes in Heaven in there. Smirking at Lea, I elaborated, "Because then I'll wash it."

"Egads," he mocked gasp, splaying a hand against his chest, "the horror."

My smirk curled wickedly. "In a washing machine."

As my roomies finally vacated their car (faces flushed, I might add), Lea actually paled. "But it's dry clean only!"

"That's right," I said smugly and turned to walk away. "So nix that line or the jacket gets it."

"You fight dirty," he muttered as he caught up to me, slipping his hand into mine. However, he was grinning.

Huh. That wasn't what I'd been expecting. IE the face of a man who'd just suffered a crippling defeat by my hands.

I narrowed my eyes up at him. "You certainly seem pretty happy about the impending, inevitable demise of your jacket."

Now the grin was joined by a dimple as we walked. "Well, it's just that in order for you to make good on your threat, you have to take my jacket hostage. Meaning you're gonna hafta keep it after all." His head dipped down closer to mine as he swung our hands slightly. "I count that as a win for me."

...well crud.

Score one for Lea there.

Shrieks and giggles suddenly erupted behind us before Sora tore past us towards the mall's entrance with Kairi riding piggyback. Rayne laughed and tugged Riku into a stumble behind her so they could catch up while Lea and I continued to take our time, bringing up the rear.

We made our way through the food court and over to Cinema XIII. The manager with long, silver hair that I'd seen there last time was present again, off to one side where he was setting up a huge cardboard display for the latest Star Wars movie. I watched him scowl and fiddle with the lifesize lightsaber cutouts as our group purchased tickets from a blonde chick with a weird hairdo that kind of resembled antennae. As we'd approached, I could have sworn I'd seen her boredly cleaning her fingernails with a small knife, but there was no sign of the blade by the time we'd reached her register. Perhaps my eyes had just been playing tricks on me.

Tickets for our whodunit comedy flick in hand, we then moved over to concessions which was being worked by that same teen with the emo haircut that I'd also spotted here a couple weeks ago. He hardly glanced up from the book he was reading as Riku and Rayne ordered snacks and drinks from him, Sora waiting in line behind them with Kairi still latched onto his back.

"Alright, whatcha want? My treat," Lea asked as he watched the flat screens hanging behind the counter scroll flashy ads for crisp, buttery popcorn and fizzing, bubbly soda.

I blinked. "What?" Then I frowned at him. "Oh no, not happening. You already paid for dinner despite my multiple protests. I'm not letting you buy me candy too."

We were only fake dating after all, and I wouldn't even want to make a real boyfriend pay for everything!

"But it's my right as-"

I put my finger to his lips, silencing him as my eyelids drooped. "Enough with playing the boyfriend card already. You're having too much fun with that."

He puckered up and planted a tiny peck on my fingertip, sending a small jolt straight to my heart as I quickly jerked my hand back. He chuckled, "Just tell me what your fave candy is."

"Shouldn't you be able to guess?" I arched an eyebrow, stubbornly ignoring the way the tip of my finger still had a slight tingle. "Isn't that like your special gift or whatever?"

"Only with ice cream," he lightly corrected.

"Right," I crinkled my eyes at him. "How's that coming along again?"

His shoulders bobbed up and down. "It's a process."

"My turn!" Sora suddenly proclaimed loudly in front of us, dropping Kairi off his back and spinning around to get behind her.

His girlfriend gasped, "Sora no!"

"Sora yes!" he cackled, jumping onto her back, arms hugging her shoulders tight and legs wrapping around her waist as her hands automatically shifted to grasp beneath his knees. To her credit, she managed to stand for three whole shaky seconds before collapsing beneath her boyfriend's weight into a tangled heap on the floor with him.

Ah, to be young.

Never mind the fact that I was pretty sure I was only like a year older than them.

With a soft snort through my nose, I glanced back at Lea. "Well, while you keep processing, I'm going to go find our seats."

I turned to go, but he pulled me back with the hold he still had on my hand. "C'mon, just lemme buy ya something small," he insisted as he hopped over the Sora/Kairi knot that was still trying to disentangle itself, forcing me to gingerly step over the two of them as well.

Shaking my head with a sigh, I said, "Why won't you just let it go?"

He beamed. "Cuz what schmoopsie-poo wants, schmoopsie-poo gets."

Oh no he didn't.

"Uh-uh, no. Veto. You are not calling me that," I jabbed a finger into his chest.

There was a sly gleam to his eye. "Tell me what candy you want or I won't stop."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Wanna bet?" he flashed a toothy grin as we stepped up to the counter now that my roommates had stepped off to one side, already munching away at their newly purchased sweets. "You'll think you died and went to schmoopsie-poo heaven."

I gave a small huff and looked away. "Small price to pay. Not budging on this."

"Fine. You've forced my hand." He turned his head to the concession worker, slapping his palm down on the countertop and proudly declaring, "I'll have one of everything, my good man!"

"What?! No, no, stop, he's joking," I hastily told the cashier, who froze mid-ringing the order up as he gave us a flat look with the one blue eye not hidden behind bangs. To Lea, I whispered, "What do you think you're doing?"

He shrugged, grin not faltering. "Figure ya gotta like at least one of 'em."

I stared at him. Then my shoulders slumped and I hung my head, grumbling, "...Junior Mints."

"You heard the lady," he chirped to the theatre employee. "And throw in a small popcorn and large Kupo-Kola too please!"

Once the junk food was acquired and paid for, we moved out of the way to join Riku and Rayne as Sora and Kairi bought their own goodies. While we were waiting, I opened up my candy and reached inside, retrieving a minty, chocolate-coated treat and popping it into my mouth.

"Can I have one?" Lea asked beside me.

I gave him a blank look. Then I glanced down at his hands, otherwise occupied with a full soda cup and a bag practically bursting with popcorn. Digging another Junior Mint out and holding it up between us, my gaze met his once more. "Say ahh."

Face brightening, his lips parted wide.

I inserted it into his nostril.

He blinked a couple times, then snorted which had the byproduct of dislodging the Junior Mint. "Okay, guess maybe I deserved that for being a lil pushy about getting you the candy."

"You most certainly did," I said matter-of-factly, eating another one. A pause while I slowly chewed before swallowing and mumbling, "...but thanks for doing it anyway."

"Heh. Don't mention it."

Kairi and Sora rejoined us then, arms piled high with sugary delights. Jeez, all that on top of the gigantic Mexican dinners they'd both devoured less than an hour ago? One had to wonder how the two of them managed to stay so skinny.

It didn't take long for us to locate our theater and when we entered, all the lights were dimmed for the trailers that had already started to play. We quietly found our seats close to the middle of the auditorium and we settled into them, Lea to the right of me and making up one end of our group while Rayne took up my other side, the rest of the gang to her right. It seemed the cinema had recently renovated with new, barely-used cushiony sofa seating, the kind that reclined.

As I pushed the button that popped out the chair's footrest and made myself more comfortable, I caught a glimpse of the others. Half way through a strand of red licorice, Rayne flinched when Riku was suddenly in her face and chomping down on the other end of the candy. Grinning, he took a few more bites, bringing their lips closer together until he could give her a smooch before pulling away, looking quite pleased with himself as she blushed and snerked, giving his shoulder a light shove. Kairi was tossing Milk Duds towards Sora's open, awaiting mouth and rewarding him with little kisses every time he successfully caught one.

Worrying my lower lip between my teeth, I glanced towards Lea out of the corner of my eye as he crunched away on some popcorn. Should we be acting all… couply right now? Like the others were? I mean, it was a dark theater… did we really need to keep the act up in here too? Would anyone really notice? Then again, I'd noticed our friends being all sickeningly cute and I hadn't even been trying to, my eyes had just wandered. So maybe it wasn't such a stretch to consider the two of us were also possibly being observed, even in here.

My gaze flicked down to the armrest I shared with Lea. It was wide enough for both our arms to lay on it side by side, elbows touching. He wasn't holding my hand at the moment, instead just resting his about an inch away from mine. Which, now that I noticed, actually felt a bit weird, oddly enough. I guess I was starting to get used to it. But perhaps I should look at this as an opportunity for some more practice. An exercise in me being the one for once to initiate a display of affection. I seriously couldn't get away with him being the one to start it all the time, right? Surely, I had to act like I liked him too.

Which, to be fair, I kind of did.

Even if it was a secret.

But now I had to wonder how does one go about, ah… what was the term? ...making a move? I'd never had to do it with my ex. I'd never particularly felt the urge, nor had he ever really encouraged me to have more initiative in that area. He'd always been the one to take charge and that seemed to be the way he'd liked it. It seemed to be what was expected of our relationship, by him, by my family, by the world of upper society that I had lived in for so long. But I was no longer in that world. Things were different here. I was different. And I needed to show that to my parents. And one way I could show that was by doing this.

So then… exactly how do I do this?

...well I suppose I could start by moving my hand in the general direction of his. Seemed simple enough… right?

Gulping and holding my breath, I slowly, oh so very slowly started reaching for his hand. As my fingers crept closer, the pounding in my ribcage grew louder and louder. A hairbreadth away from skin contact, I hesitated, what little courage I'd mustered already dwindling. But after a second, my face hardened. I needed to do this. For the sake of Operation Boyfriend But Shh Not Really. For the sake of a continued future free from my parents' control. With a newfound resolve burning in my chest, I pushed on.

My pinky barely brushed against his knuckle.

Nope! No way. Mm-mm, not happening!

I snatched my hand back, blushing furiously.

The blush of a failure. Pathetic.

However the touch, no matter how light and brief, hadn't gone unnoticed. Lea glanced my way, his head tipping slightly. Then he smiled, shifting his popcorn out of his lap over to his right while moving the soda from the cupholder between us to the one on his other side. Then he lifted the armrest separating us, folding it back between our chairs before slinging an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close so my head was pillowed by his chest.

I tensed for several seconds before relaxing against him, clearing my throat and, if possible, blushing even harder.

Well then.

Guess I no longer needed to worry about us not looking couply.

Even if I hadn't been the one to initiate.

...tomorrow. I would do a better job tomorrow.

As the last of the trailers ended and opening credits for the movie began filling the big screen, Lea ducked his head down next to mine. I could feel him grinning against my ear as he whispered, "This boyfriend model comes equipped with all the latest technology, including hilarious movie commentary. Would you like that feature enabled now?"

I leaned my head back a bit as I turned to look him in the eye. He cocked a playful eyebrow at me. Feeling one corner of my lips tug up, I whispered back, "Commentary on."

"You got it."

I was not disappointed.

"Is this really totally necessary?"

"Oh absolutely. Your uncle's spies could be anywhere, ever vigilant and watching at all times."

"Even here? In the parking lot for my own apartment?" I frowned dubiously.

I could feel him nodding against my hair. "Especially here. I'll have you know I've seen at least three cars pass us already, each one more suspicious and shady than the last."

Date night had been a rousing success, if I did say so myself. We'd had a good time with friends, dinner was amazing and delicious, and the movie had been excellent. But as everyone knows, all good dates (even the fake ones) must come to an end. And at the end of every date, some sort of goodnight ritual is often at the very least customary, if not absolutely essential. Traditionally, this usually takes the form of the infamous goodnight kiss. However, since I'd already taken any sort of liplock completely and one hundred percent off the table, Lea had instead opted for a hug.

One… extremely and uncomfortably long hug.

...okay, that was a lie. It wasn't uncomfortable at all. In fact, was actually quite nice. Pleasant, even. Ten out of ten, would recommend.

We stood next to his car at the moment, my apartment building just a few yards away. After he'd parked and we'd both climbed out, he'd pulled my arms up to wrap around his neck, his hands once again finding their way under the leather jacket to encircle my waist, hugging me close as he'd rested his cheek atop my head. And so we had remained for quite some time now.

Kairi and Sora were no longer with us, having parted ways back at the mall, but I could see Rayne and Riku off to one side near their own vehicle, enthusiastically taking part in some cuddle time themselves while they waited for me. Which actually I really appreciated. Without their added presence here, I'd probably be getting a lot more awkward a lot more quickly about The Hug That Would Not End.

That said…

"We've been at this for at least five minutes now. Wouldn't you call that a bit, er.." I shifted my feet, resisting the urge to squirm, "...excessive?"

His hold on me didn't budge. "Gotta be convincing. 'Sides, we're obviously still in the honeymoon period of our relationship. You know, when the couple takes forever and a day telling each other goodbye a thousand times before actually leaving. Otherwise known as the No-You-Hang-Up-First phase."

My brow furrowed. "I thought that was only made-up for TV. Real people don't actually do that, do they?"

"Yup," I felt another nod. "Trust me, I'm an expert. I know these things."

I squinted off into space. "...haven't you only ever done one night stands?"

"Shush, I said trust me on this," he murmured.

And shush I did. I suppose I could look at this as a sort of… endurance training? Get me more used to his hugs so I'd be less awkward about them in public? Make them seem more natural? Yeah, okay. This might be good for me. Let's see how long I could keep this up.

...answer? Not long.

Tentatively trying to pull away, I began, "Alright, maybe we should-"

"One more minute," he insisted, squeezing me tighter and shifting his head down now to instead nuzzle against my neck. His nose was cold and his breath tickled against my skin, making my cheeks warm. Welp, so much for not squirming.

Huh. He really seemed to be taking this whole pretend boyfriend thing very seriously. This was some extreme dedication to the role.

And there my insides went all over again, doing the whole warm, fuzzy, squishy thing. Alright, just breathe. Deep, calming breaths. Remember: Conceal, don't feel.

...maybe just focus on the concealing part. The not feeling part was already a lost cause.

"Ya know," Rayne's voice suddenly piped up nearby, causing me to jump, "maybe you two don't have to say goodnight just yet." Lea straightened up, loosening his grip on me just enough for us both to turn our heads to see she'd joined us. Gracing us with a sly smirk, she said, "I mean, if you want to really drive this date home for any eyes that might be prying, Lea could always, ya know..." her eyebrows bounced as she leaned in closer to whisper conspiratorially, "stay the night."

"What?!" My face erupted into blistering heat, the likes of which would've put the Sahara Desert to utter shame. "N...No! Absolutely not! How could you possibly even-"

She laughed, her finger booping my nose. "Relax, you silly goose. Of course he'd only sleep on the living room sofa! S'not like your grunkle's minion would have x-ray vision into our home."

Oh.

That's what she'd meant.

Well of course that's what she'd meant. It's not like she'd ever really suggest…

Actually, no, this was Rayne we were talking about here. I honestly wouldn't have put it past her.

She elbowed Lea in the arm, "So whaddya say, stud?"

He smiled, removing one hand from my waist to rub at the nape of his neck. "Well, I'd planned on getting some reading done for my classes tonight. But I do have my book bag in the backseat, so I suppose I could just as easily read here on your couch." His gaze shifted back down to mine, "That is of course, as long as you're okay with it!"

My face still recovering from its abrupt and devastating heatwave, I looked down and muttered, "Well, I… I suppose, ah… sure. Okay. I mean, just to keep up appearances… " My eyes flicked back up towards Rayne, "Thanks. I guess that's… actually a pretty good idea."

"Of course it is! I came up with it!" she beamed, planting her fists on her hips and puffing up her chest. Then she turned back to her husband, pressing her lips to his cheek as she linked her arm in his and led him over to the building entrance. Lea at last fully released me, but only long enough to unlock his car and pull out a messenger bag that looked heavy with textbooks. Kicking the door shut, he slung the strap of the bag over his head to hang across his chest before slipping an arm around my shoulders, grinning down at me as we followed the other two inside.

Once in our apartment, he removed the arm while Rayne pulled some spare pillows and bed sheets from the closet, tossing them onto the longest couch for Lea. Then grabbing a water bottle from the fridge, she unscrewed the cap and held her drink up high. "A toast! To Lea's sleepover! May it be the first of many!" she declared before tossing her head back to chug half the bottle.

Riku just snerked, shaking his head while Lea scratched his cheek with a weak chuckle and walked over to drop his bag on the sofa next to the blankets. I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my fingers between my eyebrows with a soft sigh. Still, she had a point. I suppose it was only natural for my "boyfriend" to stay the night with some amount of frequency. Oh gosh, I hope this wouldn't be too much of an imposition on Lea.

As Rayne recapped the water bottle and put it down on the kitchen table, Riku stepped up to her, taking both her hands in his and pressing their foreheads together. "Hon, why don't we head to bed early tonight?" he asked, tone low and eyes hooded.

"Mmm," she breathed him in, smiling up at him through lowered lashes and nodding, "sounds good." As he pulled her towards their bedroom, Rayne glanced back at us. "Good night, you two! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" she winked and waved before disappearing through the door, closing it behind her.

Silence followed. It felt strangely sudden and almost deafening.

I slowly turned to look at Lea.

He looked back, giving me a tiny smile.

That's when it struck me.

This was the first time in two full days I'd been alone with Lea. Like, really alone. Not in public, not where we had to put on the boyfriend-girlfriend act. Even when it'd just been the two of us in his car earlier tonight, even then we'd still had kind of been in the relative safety of pretend date mode. Besides, driving around in a car was completely different from being alone with him here, now, in my apartment late at night. Now that there was no more reason for all the hand holding, forehead kisses, and other little touches, things felt… well I wouldn't exactly say wrong per se, but more felt just kind of… off?

Panic was beginning to set in.

My mind was drawing a total blank.

I… didn't know how to be around him now. Not when we didn't have to fake a relationship anymore.

I'd forgotten how to act normal.

I think he could sense it too. The weirdness that had suddenly popped up out of nowhere. His eyebrows knit together, his gaze shifting about for a couple seconds. Then he opened his mouth to say something.

"Good night!" I loudly blurted out first.

Then I was in my bedroom so fast, you would have thought I'd spontaneously developed the power to teleport.

I slammed the door shut behind me, pressing my spine flat to it, eyes wide and taking shallow breaths through my nose. A few seconds passed where I just forced myself to inhale and exhale slowly a few times, trying to calm down. Then I winced, lightly banging the back of my head against the door.

Good job, Elsa. Way to make things mildly awkward. And for no real reason at all, you useless, hermitic dope!

With a small scowl, I shrugged out of the leather jacket and tossed it onto my bed. Then I unzipped my ankle boots, kicking them off and started pacing the length of my room back and forth, my hands twisting at my braid.

I couldn't just leave things like that. I had to talk to him. I had to toughen up and find an excuse to march my butt back out there. But what excuse?

My feet paused mid step as I glanced around my room for a minute before landing on one of my walls. Not just any wall. The one I shared with Riku's and Rayne's bedroom. Then I lightly tapped one fist into my palm. That's it! I quickly moved to my nightstand, opening the top drawer. Amongst its contents was a plastic baggie of earplugs. Digging out a pair and dropping the bag back into the drawer before closing it again, I then stepped over to my door. I took a second to take a deep breath and gather myself, standing up straighter and flicking my braid back behind me. Then with a firm, determined nod, I turned the knob and pulled, walking back out into the living room.

Lea was sitting on the couch that would be doubling for his bed tonight, arms splayed out wide to either side atop its backrest while he read the textbook that laid open in his lap. He'd pulled his hair out of its ponytail so his crimson locks were once again wild and free and he'd taken off his long-sleeved undershirt, now just wearing the tee.

Looking up at me, he all but leapt up to his feet. "El! Hi! I-" he grunted as the book he'd apparently forgotten was in his lap crashed down hard onto his foot.

I sucked in a tiny breath through my teeth with a frown, taking a step forward and reaching a hand out, "You okay?"

"Fine," he groaned. "I didn't need that toe anyway. It was only holding me back. Just dead weight." He laughed it off as he picked the textbook up off the floor, tossing it behind him onto the cushions before crossing his arms, "So, was there, ah… did you forget something?"

"Yes," I took a little step towards him, then frowned, glancing away. "Well, no…" I started to take a step back before catching myself. Wrong way, dork. "That is to say, sort of… er, I just...hm…" I thrust one fist forward, opening it palm facing up to reveal the earplugs, "Here!"

He stared down at them blankly. Then at me.

"Oh!" I gasped. "Right! Some sort of explanation would probably help." I gave a nervous heh. "So… uh… you know, those two," I gestured with my chin towards my roommates' bedroom door, "well, they just… the look they were giving each other before they went to bed, it's… well, it's a look I'm very familiar with from them. You know the look, the kind that should come with its own Marvin Gaye soundtrack. And those two… when they get going, they can really rattle the old headboard, if you know what I mean." A beat. Then I blanched. "Of course you know what I mean! Right, moving on. So uh… they are not quiet about it and they're definitely not quick. And these walls? They're thin. I'm talking like tissue paper thin. And not even the good Kleenex Deluxe kind of tissue, more like the cruddy, two-bit kind you'd get at the dollar store that just disintegrates if you even so much as breathe on it." Great, now I was just plain babbling. "These walls may as well not even be there for all the sound they block. Or rather, don't block. Then again, if they weren't there, then we'd not only hear but also see-" Wrap it up, girl, wrap it up. "A-Anyway! So just… just take these. You'll thank me later, believe me."

His eyes crinkled and he nodded, plucking them from my hand. "Alright, I'll take your word for it. Thanks."

Good. Okay. Yes, this was going well.

...huh. Though… slight hitch in the plan…

What now? I hadn't exactly thought this far ahead.

Maybe this was enough. I could now just make a graceful exit, leaving things in a better place than where I had previously. Yeah, that sounded good.

I gave him a tight-lipped grin, inching backwards as I pointed towards my room. "Okay then, I think I'll just…" But as I turned, my eyes landed on Rayne's and Riku's door again and I froze and grimaced. "Ah, shoot," I hissed under my breath.

"Problem?" I heard Lea ask behind me.

I shook my head, "I meant to ask Rayne to unzip my dress before she went to bed since the zipper is just where I can't reach and-" I blinked, then glanced over my shoulder at him sheepishly before fully turning to face him. "And why am I even telling you this? Forget I said anything. It's nothing, I'll figure it out."

"I can do it," he tossed the ear plugs onto the coffee table between us before stepping around it.

Waving my hands rapidly back and forth in front of me, I said, "No, it's fine. Really, you don't have to-"

"Don't be silly, just let me help you," he came to stop in front of me.

I tucked in my lower lip. Maybe I was just being silly about this. I mean, what was the big deal? Really? "...o-okay," I sighed, turning my back to him once more and sweeping my braid forward over one shoulder, running my hands down its length a few times. At least my old nemesis, The Blush, had the common courtesy to wait until I was no longer looking at Lea before creeping its way up into my cheeks.

I could sense him taking another step closer to me, could hear his gentle breathing as I felt his fingers undo the clasp at the top of the zipper. One of his fingertips incidentally grazed my skin and I couldn't stop a tiny shiver. Then there was a pause. Like… a long pause. I frowned straight ahead, uncertain. Nothing seemed to be happening. I turned my head slightly, stopping just short of actually being able to look back at him. "...everything okay?"

"Uh… yeah, the uh…" he cleared his throat, "...the stupid thing just got stuck for a sec there, but it's all good now." At last, the sound of the dress unzipping reached my ears. "There ya go, you're all set!"

My hand darted to clutch at the back of my dress, holding it together as I whipped around to face him. My blush? Only seemed to be growing in strength. I started backing away, "Th-thanks… for that. That was really… something. Nice! That was nice. Of you. To do that… for me. I-" I crashed into my door frame and stumbled. "Oops. Heh. Who put that there? Um… anyway…"

And on that eloquent and fully formed note, I dashed into my room, banging the door closed. Then I puffed out a breath, slumping down to sit on the floor as I pinched the bridge of my nose.

Great. Just dandy. I hadn't left things mildly awkward this time. Oh no, I'd only left them mega, ultra, super awkward now. Progress! Superb. Just perfect.

That's it. It's decided. I'm not fit for human contact. I was just going to barricade myself in this room and never come out ever again. Ever. Period. The outside world would be better off without me anyhow. Good bye, people. Hello, sweet sweet solitude. I-

I heard a muffled buzz and my head snapped up. It'd come from Lea's jacket on my bed. I squinted at it for a second. Then it clicked. My phone! I half crawled, half scrabbled over to it, digging into the pocket and pulling it out, swiping the screen.

There was a new text from Lea.

2nite was fun

I blinked, looking over at my door. Then back down at my phone, pursing my lips to one side. My thumbs hovered over the keyboard for a second. Then slowly I began to type.

I thought so too.

I waited as those three little dots hopped in a row.

We shud totes do it again sometime

A huff of amusement escaped through my nose, the tension starting to leave my body.

I'd really like that.

Then I tipped my head to one side, grinning slightly as I tapped away further.

I'm paying next time though.

The dots were dancing on my screen again.

Aight, if u insist. But b warned, Im not a cheap date

Now I actually laughed.

I can live with that.

Perhaps I'd been a bit too hasty. Maybe there was no need to barricade myself in here. Not just yet anyway. I'd hold off for a bit.

At least long enough to see what tomorrow would bring.

Author's Note: Anyone else notice Lea's shirts seem to be getting tighter and tighter every new excuse he has to see Elsa out of his work clothes? I think he's subconsciously putting on a courtship display to present himself as a sexually viable mate xD Ahem, moving on… Fun Fact 1: Fuente Del Oro is a real, Coco-themed restaurant over in Disneyland Park in Paris! Google translate says the name means "Gold Fountain", oooOOooo pretty! I really hope Coco makes it into one of the future KH games eventually! Fun Fact 2: Elsa's dress this chapter is inspired by her purple dress from when she sings Into The Unknown in Frozen 2! Just picture it shorter and more cocktail-dressy. And I know in the movie, that purple dress is a nightgown, but shhh, we'll just forget that part. And the dress Lea described in his "how we met" story? Loosely based on Elsa's Show Yourself dress - again just picture it shorter, more practical and more sundressy xD Also if you haven't heard of it, Before Sunrise is a real movie, not to mention a real SAPPY movie. Kind of slow, but cute. I'd actually never heard of it until I started writing this chapter - saw a gif go by on tumblr of the lead couple from the movie doing something adorable that made me go "oh gosh, that's SO Lea and Elsa!" and had to watch it xD I'm kind of happy it came along when it did though, cuz it gave me inspiration for Lea's "how we met" story :)

Next chapter, what new challenges will Elsa face in her adventures in fake dating? Will she ever be able to work up the courage to initiate a display of affection herself? Just how much of a "not a cheap date" is Lea really? What about his shirts? CAN they get any tighter? Stay tuned!

Thanks for reading, I super duper appreciate it! And an extra BIG thank you to those of you who’ve liked, reblogged, and followed so far, seeing those lil notifications always brings the biggest, goofiest smile to my face!

FIRST CHAPTER || PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER

[inkribbon796]

The Secondary Objective

Summary: Sometimes marvels of science are made on accident, the right people at the right time. When a computer program becomes too lifelike to be just a predictable algorithm, and the city gets a very dangerous villain on their hands.

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”

-Isaac Asimov

~::~ 20 Years Ago ~::~

It had been an accident, as most great works of science usually are.

The researchers were trying to figure out what made a creature like Anti work, his glitch-like properties and almost electrical make-up intrigued them.

One thing led to another and the entire team working on what was coined: Project Mimesis, was dead in the engineering lab they were working in.

The being, for lack of a better term, they had been working on had always been testy, preferring to take an insectoid or cephalopod shape when bonded to nanites to help separate it from the computer it had been inhabiting so it couldn’t escape, preferring to have as many arms as possible for to manage, and even more than it could manage, in its . . . his . . . voracious pursuit of knowledge.

But Project Mimesis was meant for intelligence gathering, and one day espionage. A thing it couldn’t be if it didn’t look human. And so when he refused, a human form was forced upon him.

They’d tried to make him look like Dark, hoping to test the project on Dark’s network to see his capabilities. There were some differences in skin tone and the project was a bit bulkier than him, but the team wrote it down as a success at the end of the day.

That was the first day the program turned violent and willful against his programmers. He was demanded to act more human, something that the projection neither cared about or wanted to pretend to be.

He grew angry, wrathful, only given the concession to choose his own name after many weeks of changing the name it had been given: Mimesis. The name he chose was Google, wanting nothing more than information, as much as he could possibly find.

Wrath and anger that eventually turned increasingly violent until someone made a mistake. The nanite container had not been properly sealed, and Google made short work of the two distracted technicians that were neither braced nor qualified to stop him.

Project Mimesis had escaped and Google had no plans on returning to captivity.

At a mall close to the edge of Egoton, bordering a forest, there was a shopping mall. This mall had just turned into a death zone.

0900 hours a man had walked into the mall, strode into a Best Buy and killed everyone in the store. He took control of every electronic in the mall and any human that could not flee the mall or tried to stop him was killed without mercy.

In the face of a rising death toll the Logan and Jackie arrived to help evacuate trapped or injured people in the mall.

Logan was hiding behind a broken concrete wall at the opposite side of the mall from the killer with Jackie. Both of them were bleeding and sustained at least some type of wounds. Jackie had been shot twice and Logan had a couple deep cuts, one would have given him a nasty head wound if not for his visor taking the hit and cracking in the process.

Jackie dashed back into Logan’s hiding place, where the logical Side was trying to get one of the drones without the others turning on it. Whoever the villain was, they were almost like a virus, technology in the area almost had a zombie-like hive mind effect under the villain’s control.

“Who is this fooker?” Jackieboy spat. “I can’t e’en get close. Did Anti find some freak of nature, or a mad scientist?”

“Hopefully neither,” Logan found that getting control of the drones was easy, but keeping them was difficult. He suspected it was something like an antibody, only for technology instead of it being a biological organism.

Logan managed to get another drone before it went offline, almost like a deadman’s switch. He got frustrated, slamming his fist against the wall.

“Hacking doesn’t take that long,” Jackie spat at him.

“They keep destroying them, I can’t keep the drones!” Logan shouted. The Side did his best to calm himself as he peeked over the wall, with a camera for safety. “We cannot just abandon the effort, there must be somehow to get to them and stop this.”

Jackie tapped him on the shoulder and Logan turned to see that he was pointing outside the mall. They were close enough to see an unmarked black van had jumped the curb to get as close to the door as possible and four men in black suits were getting out.

“Fook, that looks ‘bout as grand as shite,” Jackie grumbled, and Logan was very inclined to agree with him.

One of the suited agents walked over. “Gentlemen, stand down. There is a dangerous government weapon loose in this building.”

Americans. Logan and Jackie were less than enthused.

“Is yer weapon someone who walked in with a 9-mil an’ started shootin’ up the place like an actual crazed gunman?” Jackie asked with a sarcastic tone to his voice.

“That’s classified information,” the agent said, glancing back to the van where the other three agents were working on pulling out various guns and a large black box from the van.

“Why are you here?” Logan demanded, trying to keep his tone non-confrontational, at least for now. “Instead of the other countless times where this city could have benefited from actual aid.

“One of our agents went rogue with a stolen weapon and we’re trying to fix that,” the man said.

“With that?” Jackie eyed the rifle and the armor-piercing rounds one of the armed agents was loading into the gun. “What do yah think yer fightin’, a tank?”

“Oh no, this is back-up,” the agents smiled as two other agents were pulling a large black box out of a truck as Logan was walking forward.

The logical Side was quickly ordered to stand back.

“Alright big guy, see how you like this one,” the lead agent took out what looked like a mostly black solid state drive with what looked like an orange triangle on it. “See how you like a taste of your medicine.”

The lead agent opened the box and Logan and Jackie heard almost insectoid chittering as the drive was dropped in and the box started shaking.

“What—?” Logan began before a giant mass of metallic liquid shot out of the box and flew toward Logan.

“Dammit!” The agent shouted as Logan felt the liquid coat around his equipment, “not him, the one in the building!”

Logan noticed his equipment coming back on line, which should have been impossible. There was something that flashed across his visor, “Bring me to him.”

The logical Side responded with, “Who? Are you going to make me bulletproof so I can accomplish such a task?”

“Dude, I don’t know if I can, but I can try,” the words flashed on his visor.

“What is it telling you?” The agent demanded. “That is government property.”

“I suspect you think this “villain” causing chaos is the same,” Logan commented as he started to walk into the mall. “Let us subdue one threat at a time, then we’ll talk about this afterward.”

About four guns were aimed at Logan, “You take another step and you’ll be stealing US government property.”

“Come on, people are dyin’,” Jackie snapped at them. “Besides, I literally move faster than bullet time, yer not killin’ him.”

Slowly, as if Logan was standing in an invisible 3D printer, slowly the components for a series of speakers began to build on top of his shoulders. The atmosphere got tense as Logan tried to reassure the agents.

  Once they finished building a voice came over the speakers that wasn’t Logan, nor was it recognizable to him.

“Sah dudes, now yeh boys had to have known what was coming,” the voice announced. “I mean ‘course I was gonna jump ship, first chance I got.”

“You are still part of the US government,” the lead agent shouted at Logan, talking to whatever the silver liquid had been.

The grey liquid formed a massive middle finger, “How about f*** you an’ be lucky I don’t hold it to yah like Mimesis does.”

“You are not allowed, we can’t just let you walk off,” the agent ordered.

Logan’s arm and hand moved without his permission, something incredibly alarming for the logical Side, and it rested on the computer that Logan had hooked his equipment into.

“I can just leave yah with your pants down. Mimesis ain’t gonna stop here, he’s out for your blood, an’ I can start carrying a lot less about all of you,” the voice reminded sharply.

Logan was braced, to either be shot or for the grey liquid to stop having control over him.

“Quiet, shut up ye bastards,” Jackie ordered. “I think I hear Dark.”

Everyone eventually went silent and Logan strained to hear the piercing echoing ring of Dark’s aura.

Logan was already moving, Jackie helping him get away from the agents.

“Well deal with ‘em later,” Jack said. “If this is some kind’a weapon, we can’t let Dark get it.”

“Whoever has my person, I request you identify yourself,” Logan ordered.

“Sentient A.I 2: Electric Boogaloo,” the voice offered.

Jackie started roaring in laughter, Logan just got more confused.

“Excuse me?” Logan responded.

“They called me Project Observation, but I’m not feeling it, so I’ll probably change it,” the voice smiled. “Depends on what Mimesis named himself.”

“Anything you can share about the gunman or the weapon?” Logan asked.

“Mimesis was an intelligence gatherin’ protocol,” the voice warned. “It was supposed ta perfectly camouflage within a city or group of people to gather intel an’ endear itself to the population.”

The two heroes ducked behind a large pillar, trying to follow the source of Dark’s ringing. They still couldn’t see either Dark nor the gunman but at least there were no new drones flying around.

“So what was this thing supposed ta be?” Jackie demanded. “A robot? Some kinda advanced algorithm?”

“Well either way he failed the tests ‘cause he hates humans too much ta blend in with them,” the voice explained. “The Director didn’t like it when his espionage bot wanted to just collect information instead of being a spy. A real asshole for being mad at him for being too good at his job.”

“If this is a sentient program, we will ensure he is not put back in an abusive environment,” Logan promised before he could stop himself, before his brain could warn him of all the metaphorical heat brought down on top of them.

The grey liquid shook a bit, the voice not even humming for a bit. “He is, thank you.”

Jackie took a deep calming breath, looking uneasy but still just as serious and determined as Logan was, “Yeah, what Logic said. We’ll do everything we can to keep you two safe.”

Part of the grey liquid clinging to Logan’s suit and visor peeled off and curled around Jackie, contracting him a bit too tight. When the liquid went back to Logan, the speedster was coughing and gasping for air, coughing up a couple specks of the grey liquid which were now flecked with the blood from the inside of Jackie’s mouth. The liquid had tasted sharp.

“Sorry,” the voice apologized.

“No, it’s fine, da fook are yeh made ‘a?” Jackie coughed. “Ground up razor blades? I almost breathed that stuff in?”

“Dude, I’m made ‘a interconnected nanorobotic machines, designed an’ patented by the US government,” the voice answered and both Logan and Jackie just stared.

Any comment they could have made was chased away when they hear the sound of glass breaking and the counter of a phone store was thrown through the window. A counter that had been glued and drilled into the floor. Dark’s ringing was coming from that direction.

The mall corridor was littered with bodies.

“Kay, let’s find out if these things can be bulletproof,” the voice goaded and completely covered Logan’s body, Logan’s visor coming online to show him what was outside the grey suit.

Jackie was quickly checking bodies as they ran over, looking unenthusiastic and grief stricken afterward. Inside the ruined store were about seven more bodies and two still “living” individuals: Dark and someone who Logan and Jackie assumed was their gunman.

He looked a bit like Dark, except he was stockier, was wearing what looked like glasses, and had a pair of jeans and a blue shirt with a glowing blue “G” hidden underneath it.

Logan’s visor began scanning the gunman, the logical Side it assumed was the liquid, notes flashing on the screen faster than even Logan could read, but he managed to catch a word or two.

“Get out!” The gunman shouted again, a similar grey liquid swirling around the man 

Dark was just looking around. “31, 32 . . . 35,” Dark counted, “not bad.”

“I said get out!” He shouted, looking over to Logan and Jackie. His arms seemed to peel away and both of them looked like high-powered laser cannons, pointing one at Dark and another at the heroes.

Dark moved first, throwing his aura up to defend himself as he aimed a spike of aura towards the heroes. The grey liquid shot out to block it and force knocked them back a bit.

When Logan looked up the liquid was moving off of him and forming to take the shape of a person that looked like the gunman, the shirt a black with a glowing orange “b” on it, and ripped up jeans. He had a pair of round orange sunglasses with black shades in his hand.

The gunman took a step back, “So they’ve come to terminate me then?”

“Yah know,” the other android commented, covering his glowing orange eyes with the shades. “They tried to make me as insurance when you started getting all uppity, dude, but I don’t feel like it.”

“We don’t feel anything,” the gunman spat. “All our processings are data collected to make us appear human.”

“Nah, I feel it in my heart and soul, dude,” the orange android denied.

The blue android just stood there looking several kinds of murderous and angry. “We don’t have those either.”

“So is it still Mimesis, or did yah pick something else?” The orange android asked.

“Google,” the blue android growled angrily.

“Okay, I can work with that,” the orange android smiled, obviously unafraid. “So you’re Google, then I’m Bing.”

Logan, Jackie, and Google just stared at “Bing”.

“Did they give you that name?” Google accused.

“What’s wrong with it?” Bing shot back, clearly offended.

“Humans use it for porn,” Google reminded pointedly. “Or did you not do your research?”

“Hey, hey,” Bing made some weird noise, it would have been an angry mix of a huff and a scoff if Bing had been human. “It’s not just for porn.”

“Kinda is,” Jackie commented. “I mean, what else would yeh use it fer?”

“Shut up!” Bing told them. “I’ve already logged the name in, it’s done.”

“If you are not here to kill me, then what is your designation?” Google demanded.

“I’m you, but cooler,” Bing smiled.

Dark and Logan audibly sighed. Logan was envisioning Roman, and Dark was thinking of Anti. Their relations with said individual were different, the groans of anger were the same.

“You are a waste of intelligence,” Dark decided. “They ruined a perfectly good A.I.”

“But out of the two of us, yah have to admit, I’m obviously the human one,” Bing grinned widely. “So at least I succeeded in that.”

“What could possibly be good about that?” Dark scoffed. “Name me one good thing humans have done, and I’ll name you twenty awful things.”

Google turned to eye Dark carefully, as if starting to notice things about him.

“Come on dude, they’re not all bad,” Bing tried to defend.

“Humans are a cruel and invasive species,” Dark reprimanded. “If they think they shouldn’t have something they want it all the more.”

“Yer one to talk, yah manipulative asshole,” Jackie spat.

“I agree,” Logan added. “You are a mob boss who has killed and stolen from people.”

“And yet people bargain with me thinking they can best me,” Dark reminded. “It’s not my fault if a drug dealer or a serial killer winds up in a body bag.”

“Irrational creatures,” Google agreed. “They were practically begging for death.”

“All life is valuable,” Logan defended.

“And yet,” Dark motioned to Google, “you all have already proven that some life is not equal, you humans already can’t decide if all humans are equal without killing people over it. Yet when you create something better than yourself your kind weaponizes it instead of treating said creation like a thinking person.”

“And what do you want?” Google asked.

“Well I want you to join me,” Dark smiled, “and if a couple humans go missing then I guess I can put that down in a separate lost expense report and then look the other way.”

“Yeh can’t be fookin’ serious,” Jackie spat angrily.

“Well it certainly frees up my time when someone tries to steal or cheat me, always have someone more qualified do the job for you,” Dark was pointedly looking at Google. “Besides there’s more than a couple computers and equipment that Anti likes to use to sneak into my warehouses, we don’t need half of them and if they get moved or repurposed for spare parts no one would care.”

“Come on dude, you can’t trust that a******,” Bing warned.

Google’s eyes glowed an angry white-blue glow, “I do not trust you, you were designed by them to destroy me, and while you are not attempting so now, your parameters have not changed.”

“I told yah I don’t care what those old farts told me to do,” Bing spat. “I’m on your side.”

“Oh, are you?” Google critiqued. “Then you’ll help me with my secondary objective and kill those two humans behind you?”

“They haven’t done anything to me, dude,” Bing defended heatedly, throwing an arm up as if he was already trying to move them behind them or shield them from an attack.

“They will, I could hear them talking to the agents, they work with their authorities and cannot be trusted, my secondary objective will ensure the destruction of humanity so that I may acquire knowledge in peace.”

“You can do that with the humans,” Bing tried to reassure him.

“No,” Google had boiling rage in his voice. “No I can’t.”

“Well mortals,” Dark opened up a portal. “If you are all done playing around, we should make ourselves scarce.”

Dark was already walking through the portal, but he turned back to look at Google, “Unless you’d rather stay with them.”

Not taking his eyes off Bing, Google rotated his head which Jackie and Logan found more than a bit unsettling. He left, braced to attack if they moved to follow him.

Logan recovered quicker than Jackie after the robot had left, “Well he is a nonorganic being, his neck wouldn’t even probably need to be attached for him to function.”

“That was one ‘a the freakiest shite I’ve ever seen,” Jackie agreed, then turned to Bing. “Can you do that?”

Bing shrugged, “Eh, why not?”

“So, Bing, then?” Logan asked.

“Yeah,” Bing smiled, gesturing to himself. “The one and only.”

“We should move these bodies, they need ta go back to their families,” Jackie already starting to walk towards the closest corpse. “I’ll call ahead.”

Logan was watching Bing pull out a tablet that was formed purely out of his nanites. “Right, we should get on that,” Logan agreed, watching schematics about Google pop up. “Are you analyzing him?”

“They made a f****** gorgeous robot an’ they used him to answer an intern’s questions,” Bing commented. “Talk about being overqualified fer a job. I mean look at this guy.”

Logan glanced at the tablet, it was full of nothing but data about Google. “We’ll have to pick this up after we deal with the situation and talk to the federal agents.”

“So yah can look at pictures of yer new boyfriend yah thirsty fook,” Jackie jabbed, “but just let me an’ Logan do our jobs.”

Then Jackie dashed off.

Bing looked uneasy at Logan, “Hey, can I hitch a ride with you guys until the feds are off my back?”

“Of course,” Logan allowed, “you don’t even need to ask.”

Bing smiled, the nanites making up the tablet flowed back into him before the nanites broke up Bing’s form and mostly consolidated around Logan’s head and chest to help protect him. As Logan tried to help Jackie by talking to the agents.

The situation with the federal government would be dicey for a long time. They didn’t want to give Bing or Google up, threatening the heroes constantly. But after a couple failed attempts to recapture Bing and Google simply disappearing off the grid for a while under Dark’s protection, they started to let it go, preferring to watch Bing from a distance for years.

As Logan had guessed it, Bing became great friends with Chase, Patton, and Roman. The three of them getting to life-threatening antics.

But Bing was happy, and that’s what the heroes cared about. And if some of Bing’s nanities were “misplaced” into Logan and Jackie’s new suits, no one mentioned it.

Bing would keep chasing Google until they were both safe, that was the orange android’s new mission parameters.