#and then i start feeling so guilty for not writing that email

[lyxchen]

Having adhd sucks so bad, I can't even clean my room. I can't even write an email. I can't even shower regularly, I feel like I want to do everything at once and then I end up doing nothing and it's so frustrating!!

[meowmedusa]

started actually spiraling out today i am. unwell

[arolesbianism]

If I was more of a fanfic writer I would totally write like 50 oni timeloop ai fics and Id have to fight myself so hard to not make Olivia a significant part of all of them. Just like yeah Quinn timeloop au. They and Olivia regular at the same bar actually. Don't worry abt it.

[lovelyyandereaddictionpoint]

Favorite Guest | Yandere Twisted Wonderland

Visiting the controversial but fascinating zoo: Twisted Territories is something you finally got around to doing. Usually satisfied with the attached aquarium and petting zoo; it’s a bit of an adventure going into the very popular exhibit. 

“Here is our exhibit for our Nagas! If you don’t see them don’t feel bad they are a little shy. So if you like you may look up at the screen where we have some footage of our training with them–”

The zookeeper kept talking as the crowd made a makeshift line along the glass of the giant enclosure—moving awfully quickly because of the lack of action. Letting yourself fall into the back of the line you took your time admiring the grand enclosure. Much larger than any you’ve seen it was likely they could’ve been in plain sight camouflaging with the foliage inside it. Finally telling yourself to move on you take one last look at a specific spot in the bushes. Doing a double take you try to see if you saw the shimmer of someone’s eyes. 

“Mommy, when will I get a chance to see?”

Hearing the child’s whining you decide your time at the glass was up, writing off what you’d seen as an especially shiny plant in the exhibit. Pushing it to the back of your mind, the memory fades with the attraction of the merpeople and the wolf-hybrids who were much more present. It’s good enough to encourage you to come back, once again giving the Naga exhibit a chance. 

Spending a little while looking at the unreal nature, hoping you’ll find some hidden pattern of scales or a tiny bit of movement that reveals where the Nagas may be. It didn’t take long before your eyes were drawn to the open space right behind the glass. Only having time to look befuddled before a crowd of people started to form around you. 

“Look that snake-man came right up to the glass! Quick get your camera!”

As so many voices began to point out, a pale upper human half with a silver tail coiling behind him was right up against the glass. Hands-on the glass with his dark eyes trained on you, this Naga with a choppy bowl cut didn’t seem keen on moving. His intense eye-bags made it hard to tell if you were angering him or just entertaining him. You weren’t keen to find out. 

It took a while but you let the crowd take your place struggling to get through them to move on to the next exhibit. Taking advantage of the crowd’s excitement, when you looked back you couldn’t see the Naga which you could delude yourself into believing it was pure coincidence. Trying to enjoy the rest of your trip to the zoo, once again you tried to push your weird encounter into the back of your head. When that doesn’t work you settle for calling yourself ‘lucky.’ Who else has gotten such a close view of one of the illusive Nagas in the enclosure? 

This is why you internally scold yourself when you find a special invitation to that part of the zoo again. The email claims it's a prize for being such a frequent visitor and it makes sense that they offer a discounted price. If only to shake away the memories of the odd encounter you do again this time avoiding that exhibit for last, with plans to go at the end of your stay. You try to hurriedly rush through the path without incident.

The sound of a glass being banged and a muted hiss has you turning to look at the nagas exhibit. This time there are two–the grey one who’s tail was still on the glass and the other whose tail is a vibrant blue with hair to match. The blue one was coiled in on himself practically hiding behind the grey haired one–but he was also looking at you. Both leaning in tandem as you tested going further down the path. Once again the crowd was in an uproar surrounding the spot. You could see the blue one hurriedly retreat into the bushes of the exhibit while the grey one lingered. Through the surrounding crowd you found yourself locking eyes with dark grey ones. The glare was the same as before—a demanding sort of stare that weirdly made you feel guilty for turning away. 

Well…you were never coming to this zoo again.

__________________________________________________________

“Hi, can you please please come to the zoo again? I’m asking personally because legally that wouldn’t be right but there’s this neat grey area where I can–”

Cater couldn’t help but ramble as he spoke to the former frequent guest of the zoo. Tasked by his superiors to do whatever was needed to get the Nagas corporation. Since uniting the three specimens their murderous tendencies had increased. For a time there were vague signals of in-fighting but that quickly died down and suddenly their scientists and zookeepers were turning up dead. 

It seemed like there was no end to the carnage. 

Until (Y/n) came along.

In the zoo’s database, they were listed as a common face. An annual pass and accessories to match it was a matter of time before they visited the new mystical exhibits. What no one expected that it’d be them who got the Nagas to be active. With cameras placed on the ceiling and some trees, the scientist smart enough not to go inside could watch. But the Nagas were smart they knew precisely where they were and their intense strength didn’t help. Taking advantage of the terrain that didn’t need to be changed the Nagas made their supposed nest in a cave which meant that no scientists could see them even at rest. 

So it shocked everyone when they saw multiple dashes across the screen at the fifth big crowd of the day. Unlike some of their other creatures who had fun toying with the guests and were rewarded for it. The Naga s were never a part of this group usually ignoring guests or making themselves completely unseen on purpose. But now they were rushing to the edges of the forest without a care for the cameras or the eyes of amazed onlookers all to look at one person in particular.

“That one human. When will they be here again?”

Cater was the unlucky understudy who was finally spoken to rather than immediately suffocated for simply delivering food. He was shaking like a leaf as he promised to find out for them. It was a wonder they spoke at all let alone the biggest one of all. 

The creatures Twisted Territories had gathered were oddly enough quite close to one another. Already having split themselves into factions and hierarchies that fit with their species. But the greatest predator and the most feared was none other than the rumored dragon. Illusive and feared the only reason he hadn’t decided to end the organization was because he was looking for something specific. 

He said this after leaving nothing of an army of men and women. 

No bones. No blood. No survivors to speak of.

This is why it was a miracle that Cater was able to return to the guffawing scientists with a message at all. Bringing this up to the Superiors he was praised and tasked with making sure that their requests were fulfilled. 

Did these creatures have a type they liked to kill?

An interest in specific blood types or was it something else?

Was it a mating interest?

Competition?

The possibilities were endless and those superiors of his were hungry for answers. Granted it would come at the cost of this poor person’s life but he wasn’t in a position to argue. Not when he told the dragon he’d find you himself.

“I’m not really interested in returning anytime soon.”

That wasn’t going to work.

“I…actually would like to offer you an exclusive look at one of our exhibits. We’ll give you a free meal and some extra merch–”

“I’m sorry but I really don’t want to. Those Nagas really put me on edge.”

Cater’s heart sunk even deeper into his stomach. Letting his mind wander to the consequences of failing to get the subject to come willingly. His superiors would no doubt go to the extremes– buying the land around them, blackmailing, entrapping their family. It would be so much worse than a simple call. 

“I shouldn’t be saying this but the next time someone calls you about coming…there will be dire consequences.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if they’ve already heard me…just pack a bag and come, please. I don’t know what they’ll do.”

Cater hung up the call, his heart aching in his chest. Looking at his feet he was acutely aware of the shadow that stretched in the doorway near them. 

He thought he was safe.

He thought he was essential.

The first one to speak to The Dragon without being dead.

Perhaps he wouldn’t get to deliver the guest to the dragon himself. 

Maybe you’d be better off on your own.

__________________________________________________________

“Welcome (Y/n) (L/n) to your official behind-the-scenes of Twisted Terrain. Is there anything I can get you before we start?”

“The guy I was talking to…where is he?”

“.....Right this way honored guest.”

You didn’t like how they deflected but it prepared you for what you may be dealing with. Despite the media denouncing it, you’ve been looking at the forums. Written off as hurtful conspiracies to zoos they provided their speculation about the zoo’s latest additions and how far their willing to go to keep them. Sadly it aligned with everything that’s happened so far; more people with suits surrounded you as you further traversed into the maze of staff-only doors. It didn’t make you feel so bad about scheduling a post about this thing. They’d take it down eventually sure but if you were never coming back it’d be best to warn others about this wolf in sheep’s clothing. 

“So here is the private extension of the Naga exhibit, where our scientists do their best to learn while taking care of our reptile friends.”

Seeing where this part of the exhibit expanded from the one the public saw was shocking. From a previous perspective, it already looked like a small forest, this larger part just made it so much larger. You realize this makes the Naga’s interest in one specific side of the glass that much weirder.

“Now if you’ll do me a favor and step up to the glass so you can have a closer look at their habitat?”

It wasn’t really a question, the slight inching of the others in suits said so. Adjusting your hold on the strap you were holding some luggage with, you step forward. In your heart of hearts, you almost hope that nothing will happen. That this would all turn out to be some ruse that happened to be triggered by the environment or the color of the clothes you wore. 

Like the feeling of realizing something so uncomfortable, so nightmarish, happening to you, and when you blink your eyes, you are not dreaming. The whole wood seemed to rustle as a long green tail much larger than the other Nagas’ you’d seen reached for the glass between you two. Almost caressing the glass. 

“Spectacular! I would’ve never believed it if I hadn’t seen it! Alright, let’s get them in there! Get those cameras ready I don’t want to miss an angle–”

“What?! Ahhh!”

The people in suits held you tight, maneuvering to a vault-like door where they took you and your bag inside. Feeling the bruises on your skin you tried to regulate your breathing and it was proving hopeless. The gaggle of people surrounding you in lab coats with cameras and notepads, it seemed as though they truly were prepared to feed you to these Naga. The feeling really sunk in when you were slammed into the dirt watching from over your shoulder as thousands of people watched like an audience of Colosseum—practically cheering for your massacre. Breathing in and out, you tried to ignore the burning ache of cuts on your hands and knees. You squeezed the handle of your bag as you walked into the forest, a glance back showed the gaggle behind the glass groaning and whining that you didn’t stand in the clearing the gate opened up.

You thought about flipping them off but this would have to do.

The second you stepped past the forest’s edge it was that same green tail that gently wrapped around your back guiding you through the forest. It was alarming but oddly comforting that the muscles underneath those evergreen scales were somehow softer than the humans who brought you here. 

“Where are you taking me?”

You continued to follow its light pushing and support over more rocky terrain. It eventually stops at the mouth of a cave, the tail disappearing into its darkness. Popping out again to imitate a finger calling you to come in.

You patted your pockets for your phone; coming up empty they must’ve swiped it while they were manhandling you into the enclosure. Figuring you’re better off relying on another sense you let your hand drag along one side of the cave, leaning on it as the ground dipped as you got even farther. 

“I can’t believe they brought you.”

Turning to the left of you, you were sure you heard a voice there. Looking in the darkness for any kind of movement you continued along. After that, you make sure to listen for some kind of sliding equated with the sound of Naga s slithering but you hear nothing. 

“D-did they put any wires on you?”

Turning again and seeing no one you put your back to the wall. Hoping that this will eliminate the directions someone can come at you. Shimmying along the wall you debate with yourself about how to react to these voices around you, whether you’d respond or swipe if only to prove you weren’t going insane. Before you could decide you felt something swiftly pull at your clothes.

“Ah!”

“S-s-orry it’s just that they did put something on you.”

“Uh, thanks?”

Whoever was the owner of this shaky voice made a sound you’ve never heard before. It sounded close but when you dared to reach a hand out you found nothing again. Continuing on your way, you wondered how far you’d get before you reached wherever you should have gone.

A cool sensation spread across your waist, making you jump. Thinking it was water or something you sent a speculative finger down to check finding what stopped you in your tracks was a Naga tail. It pulled you from the wall into a warm and lean chest; for good measure matching pair of arms wrapped around you trapping you against what you assumed to be one of the Nagas you were meant to meet. Seeing as the coils that wrapped around you were only moderately squeezing you figured you could let your guard down. 

“To think you had to be with those nasty humans this whole time makes me sick.”

That voice was the first you heard. The voice was smooth authoritative and a little snobbish you wondered which of the Nagas you’d seen was the owner. 

“Um, can I ask some–AcK!”

“Don’t squirm, I’m checking past these infernal coverings.”

The hands inspecting you were just as chilly as his tail which was maneuvering you in all sorts of ways to help remove the ‘infernal coverings.’ Trying to push the hands away proved to be nothing but a nuisance to the Naga who casually slapped your hands away to continue trying to remove your clothes.

“Wait don’t—”

“Stop whining! I can look better if you just stop–”

“Rollo, please.”

The voice that spoke from somewhere unusually close was deep, a baritone that practically shook the air of the cave. A command that had the Naga holding you stopping their attempt at removing your clothes, letting you rest in their coils.

The light draft of the cave became more intense, wafting against your cheeks in a cold thrush. A light brush became an intense whirl, making you shut your eyes from the dark expanse of the cave. There was the sound of something cackling like a fire and then the faint wave of light reaching through the cover of your eyelids. Opening your eyes to a whole new cave, a green flame burning on a torch being the main reason.

“You must be gentle. Their eyesight is much different than ours it makes sense they’d be  disoriented.”

The owner of the deep voice was a pale man with hair as long and dark as the cave, you’d entered. With a pair of horns on his head and evergreen scales trailing from his cheeks down his unclothed chest blending with the length of his tail. His tail was hard to see for its true color with the glow of the green flame but accounting for it you recognized the scales for the evergreen ones that guided you into the cave. Looking at the now illuminated ground it was that same evergreen tail that seemed to curve and coil all around. Trying to pinpoint the end of the tail to its beginnings led you to meet its owner. Resting on one of many coils of his, with a fanged smile you could feel the heat rising from the pit of your stomach as slitted evergreen eyes looked deep into your own. 

Taking a gulp you tried to speak,” You led me here right?”

 He was still smiling at you, making you wonder if he planned to respond to you at all. Unable to hold his gaze you found yourself looking away. 

“Haha, I did!”

His laugh reverberated through the cave sending shivers up your spine. When you dared to look again he was much closer. Seconds ago he was leagues away now barely a hair from your nose, it only served to make you turn away again in embarrassment.

“I am glad you found a way in here considering how dark it is for you.”

“T-thanks.”

“I don’t see what that has to do with checking you for wounds.”

The snobbish voice of your captor reminded you that he was there, finally looking over to put a face to the voice. He was the gray-haired Naga with tired eyes that you recalled glaring at you through the glass. 

“You!?”

“Is there a reason you're pointing at me like that?”

“You were the one who was glaring at me that one time I came.”

He sighed exasperated as though it was tiresome to recount the frightening experience. He crossed his arms upturning his nose at you as he turned his head, all the while keeping those grey eyes trained on you.

“I wasn’t glaring. I was watching.”

“Why’d you slam against the glass then!?”

“You weren’t looking, it was just a light tap to get your attention.”

“And the hissing?!”

“Well, I think it was wrong of you to just ignore me like that, especially after you left last time.”

“You freaked me out! Of course, I left!”

He rolled his eyes at you, “I don’t see why this is still important.”

The one with the black hair came close again, tilting his head in your direction. 

“First impressions are very important Rollo. If you scared them you have to take responsibility.”

“Y-y-yeah!” 

The Naga with the grey hair—Rollo rolled his eyes again bringing the tip of his tail to cover the bottom half of his face. Very badly hiding the sneer on his face.

“Whatever. You’ve been dodging the topic of those injured of yours. I think whatever I’ve done in the past doesn’t quite matter now.”

You immediately wanted to protest as the green-eyed Naga beside you gently grabbed your hands and opened them to reveal scratches from bracing your fall. Trailing up your wrist and to your arm gently caressing the bruises you could feel forming. 

For the first time since you’d met him, he wasn’t smiling. A neutral expression on his face but the sharp twists and twirls of his tail said otherwise. You turned to Rollo who was still holding the tip of his tail over his mouth, this time hiding a subtle act of gritted teeth. His tired eyes were also on your arms where the other Naga was still caressing. 

“Those in the coats did this to you?”

“Uh yes.”

Rollo spoke up again, his tail wrapping around you tighter, “Despicable humans! They can’t do a single thing right!”

Shooting him a look, he brought the tip of his tail down to fold his hands in front of him. 

“Don’t get me wrong. I adore you all the same. It’s just all other humans.”

As if that was any better. 

A flurry of sparkling lights flooded your vision bringing your attention to the Naga who was solemnly guiding the lights on your wounds. The dull ache coming from them began to dissipate as the open scratches closed themselves and the discoloration from the bruises faded away. 

“I think this is reason enough.” 

“I agree. I’ve been wanting to tear those humans apart the day they brought us here!”

“If I can take their tech that’s fine with me!” 

The third voice came from behind you, revealing the blue-haired Naga you saw shyly poking out that one day. Now he was smiling happily, slithering closer to the other Naga as he looked at your arms. 

“If they did that there’s no way they’ll be living another day.”

A lot of things were being said and they all pointed to an uprising against the scientists. There was just one glaring issue. 

“But why?”

It was like the scratching of a record. They all turned to look at you like you’d grown a second head. Rollo’s face looked almost offended. The blue-haired Naga’s jaw was dropped. Even the one with the horns had his green eyes widened in shock.  You feel your cheeks burn in embarrassment. Closing your eyes to block the image of their judgment being cast. 

Feeling the cool tips of fingers and elongated claws lightly caress your cheek and jaw; tilting your face upward, goading you to open your eyes. Doing so slowly you were face-to-face with the ethereal face of the Naga who healed you. Eyebrows knitted together with sorrow in his eyes, it felt wrong to look away.  

“You are our mate.”

Searching his expression, hoping he’d elaborate it didn’t look like he was going to. 

“Like imprinting?”

Rollo scooched closer to you lightly tugging you from the other Naga’s grip to put you in his own. Nuzzling his nose into your own, holding you firm when you naturally attempted to back away.

“Deeper than that. It’s destiny that you’re mine.”

“Ours.” The black-haired Naga corrected. 

Rollo huffed,” Ours.”

Coming close to him was the blue-haired Naga. Practically snuggling into Rollo’s side he let his tail coil on top of his, lightly shifting you into his hold. Bringing you close to him, he encouraged you to wrap your arms around his neck. Hugging you tightly with his arms you finally got to see his face. Framed by his wild blue tresses, golden eyes, and matching blue lips that were spread in an awkward smile.

“We were waiting for you this whole time.”

“Me? Are you sure?”

Rollo leaned into the blue-haired one this time, batting at some hair that got in his way. Turning to you with a smirk.

“We told you, didn’t we? You are ours. Guess that human side of yours has a problem with accepting the truth.”

Feeling a kiss on your neck, then a nudge of someone resting their head on your shoulder. 

Looking down the Naga’s green eyes practically glowed as he spoke, “Then we will have to fix that. Right, (Y/n)?”

__________________________________________________

“So what’s the plan?” 

After getting some much-needed introductions and a vague talk about the biological herrings of mates. You would like to be the voice of reason when it comes to this uprising they planned to do. 

Malleus took his head off your own to cutely tilt his head, “Plan? Do we need one?” 

Rollo’s claws dug into the sides of his hands which were folded on top of his coils. 

“I was going to just go for the ones that disrespected me the most.”

Idia let out that sound you equated with happiness, now that you could see his blue tail wiggle about in excitement.

“I’m so glad you asked–”

He held nothing back as he rambled on and on about the plan he had. While you were following for the first half you couldn’t keep up after he mentioned opening an interdimensional portal. Feeling the vibrations of laughter on your back you looked to Malleus who was doing just as you felt. Perching his head back on the top of yours, he squeezed you closer to his chest turning his head to whisper just above your ear.

“Can you tell now? We really do need you.”

You couldn’t help to chuckle along with him. Noticing that Idia had run out of breath and was panting over the schematics he’d drawn in the dirt. While Rollo looked disgusted that he was heaving so heavily. Clapping your hands to get their attention they turned to you. 

“Alright, so this is the plan….”

More!

[court-jobi]

Reheat

((banner by me! I don't own Horikoshi's work OR the mindblowing art of @gsony24))

Pairing: Midoriya x reader (support-hero!reader x teacher Izuku)

Words: 2.5k

Rating: G~

Warnings: comfort fic, tooth-rotting fluff here y'all, established relationship, work stress (livin' vicariously), talks of the future, a few fem pronouns used, but generally gender-neutral

Summary:

Izuku letting himself into your home after a long day has become comfortable background noise, and one you love to hear while you're bogged down. Work has been following you home all week. He's proud of you, without a doubt... But equally concerned when he sees your dinner half-eaten, your mind scatterbrained and racing faster than he can anchor you, and your angel eyes in desperate need of some TLC. He's cemented his place in your heart- and sees no reason he can't make himself at home here already.

A/N: do I have bigger fics in mind? Yes. Did I write this instead of sleeping bc I love soft, encouraging Deku? Also yes. Izuku Midoriya is a motivational speaker.

For my My Hero Academia Masterlist, check it out here!

Read on AO3

“Hey honey! I’m here!”

Over the tinny, background chatter of a podcast streaming from your phone, you call back to Izuku letting himself in.

“Hey you~” You throw interest into your voice, but still stayed tuned into your work.

“Ooo what’s this… What did you make here on the stove?”

“Risotto– it’s Italian~ has lots of veggies and good stuff in it,” you didn’t stop your typing pace, engrossed too heavily in getting an email out before you forget about it and Gmail has to ‘nudge’ you, again, “-gave it a Japanese spin with what I had in the house.”

“Oh wow– oh my gosh, honey– this is so good!”

You look up since your darling man has just appeared in your doorway, sparkly eyed to see you, but equally sated by what’s just graced his mouth. It was a meal you could babysit between taking a quick shower, getting ready for work, letting its flavors marry in the fridge throughout the day, and popping back on the stove that night.

“I’m glad, happy you like it~”

“D’you eat?” Izuku asks, midbite.

“Mhm. Little bit ago,” You motion to your bowl- but when he comes alongside you, he tuts over noting it's only half empty.

“You didn't finish- you feelin’ ok?”

Having circled back onto your screen, you double take again, this time caught by his perception check over you and feeling guilty. 

“Oh. Guess I didn't. I’ll nuke it up here in a bit.”

Izuku, setting down his bowl and starting the -normally alluring- task of rolling up his shirt sleeves to his forearms, comes to your side. However since you’re paying little mind to your peripherals, you missed the show the was making of it. A simple ask of ‘what’re you working on’ came from him, sounding no different than if he wasn't trying to make eyes at you; fact was, you just weren't paying attention.

“Just some stuff for the interns,” the sight of how many tabs are open on your split screen -and in your mind- make you sigh, “With this new role, I kinda feel like you some days. Lesson plans, processing their paperwork; it’s all the stuff you had to turn in as an intern– only now I'm the one dealing with it on the backend.”

Izuku sifted around though your training materials and your propped tablet making itself useful as a second screen. At your handwritten to-do list that’s one of the only things non-digitized nowadays, he makes an offhand comment that your handwriting is nice. It's the kind of cute, ‘blink-and-you’d-miss-it’ things he says that you just hum to, whether you were really listening or not.  

When you glance up to him again, you see he’s watching you with a caring gaze and feel caught.

 “What’re you looking at?” you tease, typing again to break the silence.

“A pretty girl…” Izuku teased lightly, “who doesn’t know when to take a break.”

You type away at his call out– the need for a night off at Izuku’s side is exactly why you've been working so hard at this. You figured you'd get some of this extra prep work under control now, so by the time he rolls around on Wednesday for your standing date n–

You freeze. 

Realizing what day it is in your planner.  It's Wednesday. For dinner.

“Oh my God- -you’re here.”

“Mhmmm~” Izuku really doesn't want to laugh, but his sucking in of a lip isn't hiding it well. 

“ohmygod imtheworst!!” you refresh your face in both hands, talking through the gaps.

“You are not!” Izuku chuckled, setting your notes down. “You just got busy with all the new tasks, because you’re just that good.” 

A faithful, scarred hand comes over to smooth over your back, pulling you over into a little half hug. You sink against him, relishing in his little forehead kiss. He can try all he likes to cure your embarrassment, but you look to him apologetically.

“I’ve never forgotten our dinner dates, ‘Zuku…”

Your darling shrugged unbothered, “Had to happen sometime. It’s no big deal.”

“Is to me,” you pressed- very much bothered.

“Honey,” Izuku chips your chin up, “You’re too hard on yourself. It’s ok, these things happen! I mean, you still made a delicious dinner; even if it was a bit of an oversight I would -in fact- be eating it.”

The pang of guilt hits you at forgetting. This was just a symptomatic sign that the brilliance of your taking on the additional role of Education Coordinator at the agency was perhaps an over-zealous one. Not only to be on-call for your base job as a linguistics quirk specialist, but to balance another full time role on the office hours end? Why did you convince Fatgum this was a good idea? It sounded like a stellar idea back at the beginning of the summer…

Now you’re forgetting not just who you’re supposed to be eating with- but also eating in general.

“I’m glad you did,” you boost Izuku’s elephant-like memory, “It feels so normal to have you here, it's not like I completely forgot I’d see you today. I just– maybe I… thought I was gonna take some to you, since I wouldn't see you till later in the week? I dunno.”

“C’mere- never got a real hug.” 

You rise at his hand’s insistence, and stretch up into his full, healing embrace. 

“Hi baby,” you cooed pitifully.

“Hi, my angel. Missed you today.”

You hummed at the affection, sinking into his neck more out of your residual misery.

Izuku simply took advantage of you being close to sway you in his wide stance- a dance, sans music.

“I appreciate you cooking so much for us,” he spoke gently from his perch over your shoulder, “I was looking forward to it all day, y’know? You’re always so thoughtful with everything you make.”

He’s pressing into you with compliments- against your hard wiring to accept…

“‘Zuku.”

“It’s true~ you’re generous! You remember what my favorites are, and leave out the stuff I don’t like; you even send me leftovers. And you make snacks and treats for when the midnight munchies strike– what can’t you do?”

“Zuku…”

“And you–” he runs a hand through your hair as he sways your shy self back and forth, “-- make for the most funny, beautiful, fascinating, most inspiring company I could ever hope to share a meal with.”

Head thunking onto his shoulder, you playfully land a closed fist on his chest with a muffled, whiny plea for him to stop.

He sighs, all in good humor.

“This streak of yours... I really have my work cut out for me, don’t I? Still can’t imagine how bad it must be in that brilliant mind that my incredible girlfriend has such a hard time accepting the tiniest compliment. Maybe it’s all that late night American comedy you watch...”

You exhale then fix him with your coolest look of sarcasm, anything to show that you have a modicum of having your shit together. So you cope with humor- who doesn't?

–shame that it looks too much like a pout and makes you decidedly not threatening at all, because Izuku just beams brightly at you in response.

“Oh! Now there’s my melty princess- I was wondering where she went.”

And at that, the aloofness was gone, and you snort into a laugh and hug him tighter around the neck. He even scoops you up and gives you one little twirl for good measure. 

When he set you down, Izuku cups your face in his hands and gifts you a few more forehead kisses before demanding your sights. 

“Now. We need to get you to finish eating first. Then, what can I do to help you tonight, hm? How can I make things easier for you?”

With a softer eye to your desk’s work, you sat back down staying connected to your ever doting Izuku by way of your hand in his. You tried again to focus back. You're newly refreshed by his affections and attempt for a more positive outlook, 

“Well, my goal of doing this tonight was so that I didn’t have to go in early tomorrow. Course, if I do run myself ragged tonight, I won't be any good to anyone there– or for you, here. But I think if I pare it down to just getting these e-sigs ready and getting their time-in checklists set up for their work study onboarding, that would give me a good enough start, and I can fill in the rest of their packets tomorrow. But that means I’d need -ugh- maybe… another hour of work tonight?” you looked to him for his approval, “I have a template, so it shouldn’t take me forever.”

“Alright! You’re the boss,” Izuku supported your plan with a smile, “How about I take care of the kitchen for you while you finish up?”

“You do not have to clean my kitchen!” you spouted back, offended– causing a laugh to burst from him, “It’s not funny! I didn’t ask you to come over after a day of work yourself to just slave away at my mess.”

Izuku fixed you a look, as if you knew better. 

“I think I can tidy up a kitchen, no matter how busy of a day I’ve had. Yours isn't even over yet- so when precisely were you going to have the energy to hammer at it? You’ll enjoy not having that mountain waiting for you.”

You huffed, but smiled gratefully all the same. 

“Besides, it’s just me- doing something nice for the woman I love; and I happen to like doing nice things for you. You deserve a clean space, hun.” 

He cleared off your previous bowl to reheat along with your empty water cup. Shaking the hollow straw inside to where it clinks, he knows exactly what you need and tells you so.

“You are getting a screenless break first, though. Something tells me you didn’t the first time around~”

Settled with a fist propping up your face, you swooned over this darling man. 

Trusting Autosave to have done its job, you shut the laptop down blindly, “Sure didn’t~” 

Izuku just rolled his eyes and stepped out of the study. 

You neaten up the collated stack of applications laid out by you and stepped over to the couch, taking a kneeling perch on the end while you sought out a new record for the player on the side table. Setting one on, it was able to fire up and fill some new life into the room with a movie score you haven’t listened to in a while. Everything just sounds better on vinyl.

When Izuku came back in the room, he’d found his houseshoes and returned with renewed interest to your music choice- and with a pleased expression seeing you actually lounging and taking things easier than how he found you. He traded your reheated meal in exchange for your blue-light glasses, which he’d then clean with a pocket square and set back on your desk once they were smudgeless.

“Now, that’s a better sight~ here you go, all set for later.”

You enjoyed Izuku’s company while finishing dinner, listening to him outline his workday while he cradled your legs in his lap. He'd had a pleasantly eventful one, with plenty to say about it. You’d play ‘two truths and a lie’ sometimes when he didn’t want to bore you with a particularly mind-numbing schedule, which pleased you just as well. You excelled at it, while he gave away his fictions every time- a terrible liar for the game, but great for a faithful partner, you reasoned.  You truly loved hearing him talk and talk, your love only growing at the domesticity of this feeling and never wanting that to change. 

Once you were done, you were honestly content to hear him continue his tangent, but it seems his inner discipline was stronger than yours. 

“Alright, now to attack that sink~”

You bemoaned again for his sake. But since you made such a small, affected noise, Izuku paused mid-rise, and sat back down a bit closer to you. He stretched an arm over the back of the couch, encouraging you to come closer and met you for a sweet kiss in the middle.

His mere presence reverted you to a younger self sometimes– one desperate for his attention, good or bad. It wasn't the loveliest impulse, but he clearly thinks it's all part of your charm seeing as he gives in every time, anyway.

“Thing is,” Izuku spoke softly while adoring the hand now placed in his, “If things keep going the way I think they’re going -the way I hope they’re going- it’s.. not hard to imagine that there’s gonna be both our dishes to clean up all the time. In our kitchen, in our home someday. So this is just practice, right? Seems perfectly normal to me. How it should be.”

That idea bloomed in your chest, the thought of sharing a home with him- where this exchange of chores and time together could be your new normal. Only it would be a future where he didn’t have to leave at the end of the night and go back to a bed with compact, collegiate-designed storage at the campus accommodations he stays in on the instructor's wing. He’s got enough to get him by, but he noticeably prefers your home here closer to downtown.

“And what happens when we both wanna ditch the dishes?” you countered sweetly.

Izuku smirked, “That’s what a dishwasher is for. Another thing we’d own together…”

“Forward thinking, there.” You relished that idea. 

Izuku nuzzled your forehead thoughtfully. 

“You’ve been doing things on your own for a long time– and it shows, sweetheart.”

His words came carefully, from a tender place spoken in confidence between you, referring to when you’ve spent other late nights like this one fueled with hot tea and a desire to keep ignoring the clock.

“And I know you’ve been used to that since you’ve been traveling so much, not even having roommates to help keep you company or lighten the load. I keep wishing I could have known you sooner, had more time with you before you had to learn some of those things the hard way… but I’m happy I get the chance to, now. I’m here now, and you’re not alone, so I hope you’ll let me take care of you when I can.”

With another happy sigh forcing your eyes shut, the mental will it took to not let the tears of a perpetual eldest daughter leave you was intense.

Izuku Midoriya never failed to hit the nail on the head when it came to pep talks; he does the same with his students. But why his ones aimed at you had to have a Full Cowling dash of heartfelt anecdotes in it, you don't know. But you're grateful. You're so grateful for him. 

“If you don’t quit talkin’ like that, Izuku, I will never let you leave this condo.”

He chuckled again, lifting your cheek for another kiss, “Twist my arm, love.”

Ultimately, he rose to quit distracting you, but not without you watching him leave with a hunger you’d never felt for another soul before. 

[100percentdirtball]

i started a gofundme with my partner today, to get us out of texas to a state that's more hospitable to trans women & disabled people. i sent a little tweet, to start sharing the link, and a couple people asked if i was sharing it on tumblr, and i said "i'm gonna make a longer post about it for tumblr!"

i've been trying to write that longer post all night. i just... i don't have it in me. i'm exhausted, and i'm terrified. i know the version of this post i should be writing is a little upbeat, and for the emails to my family & Facebook & insta & all that shit i'll be my best self.

here i feel like i can just tell you... y'all, i'm scared. the legislation is scary, but the people - people i know! i've lived in texas my whole life, i've got texan roots grown deep! - are scarier. i used to feel at home in austin. i used to say there wasn't a neighborhood i didn't feel like i belonged in, at least a little.

now, i get stared at at best, yelled at and followed at worst, every time i step outside my door.

i'm scared. i'm tired. and i'm so, so sad to have to leave my home.

please share this post. i'm not gonna lean on you to donate, i don't want you feeling guilty if you can't. lord knows it's hard these days. but please do help this message spread.

[ask-irisstar]

Sick before Marriage

In which Sanji gets sick during his wedding due to stress

A/N: This is requested by my friend. She saw me making this side blog and asked if I can write my first fic dedicated to her. So, here it is! She doesn't have tumbr though so I'm emailing it to her later. I hope you guys enjoy this fic like she did!

Notes: Sanji x Fem Reader, Fluff, SFW

Sanji felt something cold against his forehead. He groaned. The last thing he remembered was seeing all the wedding food he cooked the day before wiped clean. Damn it... His head hurts just thinking about how fucked up his wedding has been so far. He tried to sit up and his whole body aches.

"Take it easy Sanji... You were out for a solid 5 hours..." Chopper said gently, helping sit up.

"Thanks Chopper... Can you get me some tea from the kitchen? Heat it up if it's cold..." Rasped Sanji, feeling his throat dry.

Chopper nodded and hurried away. Just as he left, you came in, making Sanji groan. Great. The woman he's supposed to be married to just came into his room. Just great.

"Hi honey... You alright?" You asked, concerned about the wellbeing of your soon-to-be-husband. Earlier that day, you overheard Sanji telling Zoro he is too tired and dizzy to argue with him lets him.

Sanji smiled weakly and nodded slowly, so as to not trigger the urge to puke. You approached him and sat beside him, placing a hand on his leg. You two didn't officially marry yet. Sanji passed out before Jinbe could officiate. Truthfully, Sanji felt guilty for passing out in the middle of the wedding. You look so pretty in the white dress and here he is, passing out. He does admit the fact he's sick though. He caught a fever the other day from saving Luffy from drowning.

"Sorry my love... Looks like we have to postpone the marriage... Again..." Sanji sighed. He already felt guilty for falling sick, now he's guilty that he postponed the wedding for the second time. The first, because the Marines started chasing them and second because he fell sick. He worried that you now think that he doesn't want to marry you.

However, that worry went away when you cupped his face and kissed him sweetly. As he returns the kiss, you sneakily stuffed a piece of paper into his fist. When you both pulled away, Sanji opened his fist and sees the paper in his palm.

"Honey, what is this?" He asked, his fingers fiddling with the paper.

You smirk slyly. You were pretty close to both Zoro and Luffy. You guys may or may not cooked up a little something to cheer Sanji up.

"Open it and see for yourself..."

Confused and curious, Sanji unfolded the piece of paper and read the words on it confused.

"I do..."

"HE SAID YES!"

Suddenly, Zoro appeared from under the bed, Luffy, Nami and Robin from the cupboard and Ussop and Chopper bursts into the room holding a cake while Brook played wedding music. You were smiling widely and Sanji is looking around confused.

"Bla, bla bla... Wedding shit... Vow exchange shit... Boring shit and finally I pronounce you husnabdn and wife..." Zoro said tiredly, reading off a sheet of paper.

Sanji stared at you with wide eyes.

"Wait... Does that mean..." "Yes Sanji! We're married!"

You swear you never seen Sanji's eyes light up so fast. He pulled you close and puuled you into a kiss that lasted for a whole minuite. When he pulls away, he rests his burning forehead against yours.

"I love you my wife..."

"I love you too my husband..."

______________________________________________________________

And that's a wrap! Hope you enjoyed my first fic! Don't hesitate to request! So sorry if it's short.

[inlovewhithafairytale]

01x01 Pilot part 2

Why I'm doing this....

Yn waited for her brothers in the car as they went to talk with some police officers in a crime scene they had happened to drive bye.

She returned her eyes down to her book leaning back against te worn leather of the Impala. when she lifted her eyes up again she stiffled a laugh when she saw Dean slap the back of Sam's head s if Sam was still a kid under his care.

"What was that about?" Yn asked them when they climed in the car again.

Sam gave Dean a bit of a ressented look before answering "A teenager went missing on his way home last night"

"Creepy..." Yn says nodding a bit "so...you guys are sure that Dad would look this case up?" she asks leaning against the front seat poking her head between the two brothers.

"Yep" Dean answers starting the car "Now we're going to look at the guy's girlfriend up then we are gong to get something to eat"

"YeY! Hamburgers?"

"Defenitly" Dean smiles at her before pushing her face back "buckle up kiddo"

"Dont touch my face" Yn whined pushing his hand away and sitting back in the car seat again.

***

" You must be Amy?" Dean asks approaching a girl putting up MISSING posters of her boyfriend.

"Yeah Troy told us about you. We're his uncles. Dean. Sammy." he says pointng between himself and samearning a slight glare from his brother "and our little sister Yn" Dean points lastly at Yn who was standing a bit behind him hands in the pockets of her Jacket nodding her head in form of greeting.

"He never mentioned you to me"

"That's troy I guess" Dean says with a small scoff " we're not around much, we're up in Podesto-"

"So we're looking for him too" Sam cuts in "and we're kind of asking around"

"hey are you ok?" asks a girl nearing Amy, probrably her friend, Yn decides.

"Yeah" amy answers with a small nod.

"So...you mind if we ask a couple of questions?" Sam continues.

***

Yn sat between Sam and Dean in a booth in some diner listening to Amy tell her tragic story... honsetly, Yn was hungry, sleepy, and couldent care less about the information. Wich made her feel guilty, considering that the girl would never see her boyfriend again.

She leaned her head against Dean's shoulder zoning out of the conversation. so. Sammy was back. Maybe when he had to go back to Stanford he'd call, and let them visit him, Yn didnt really have it inherself to hate her brother for leaving. He found a chance to go. he went. but it still upset her that he didnt call. or write. or email.

Her ears perked up again when Amy's friend said something about a woman killing herself and her ghost hitchhiking on men.

Once biding thanks to the girls and goodbye. The siblings made their way out of the dinner.

"ghosts...creepy" Yn comments as they make their way to the car.

"and here one would have though you'd grown used to them" Dean teases ruffling her hair up.

"still creepy" Yn insints taking his hand and pulling it away from her hair "Its hair dean, not a mop" she glares slightly at him trying to set her hair back in place. Dean just messes it up again.

"DuDE!" The girl whines swatting his hand away. She slaps Dean's shoulder.

"ouch" he mocks.

Sam walked a little bit behind them. warching how his brother and sister had grown so much closer together in tose two years.Not like they weren't close before. Dean raised Yn the minute that Jhon placed her in his arms. He became the father Jhon wasn't. he had to clean up the mess Jhon made when he screwed with some woman in a bar and it git back at him. But there was always room for Sam to join in. to take part of their teasing and fights. Now not so much. He regretted that. and he made a silent promise not to lose touch of his siblings again when he got back to Stanfrord.

***

" I think youre writing it wrong" Yn said as she loomed over Dean's shoulder watching as he typed in the computer of the library they where currently in.

"Shut it"

"Let me try" Yn insisted. reaching her hand out to type something else.

Dean slapped her hand away. Yn gave him a resented look before sliding his chair away from the computer and settling behind it.

Sam laughed at Dean's face...

"so ghosts are violents deaths... Maybe its suicide" Yn said aloud typing down.

Indeed there was a news report to it.

dean gave her an approving nod and Yn gave him a small proud smile.

"I still dont forgive you for sliding the chair away"

Yn rolled her eyes and pushed his chair back again causing Sam to laugh.

***

"so...we're in the bridge where Constanence took the swan dive...in the night...wth Constanence ghost lurking around...do any of you know how creepy and risky that is? Couldent we have waited for tomorrow?"

"I have to get back to Stanford on Monday" Sam says giving her an apologetic look.

"quit yapping and come on...unless you want to stay in the car" Dean sauggests as he opened his car door.

"No thanks. ill go with you" came the instant reply from the teenage girl .

***

"I should have stayed in the car" Yn mutters to herself as Dean pushed up Sam against the bridge posts.

They where fighing about mom...well. Their mom.

"Dean..." Yn says quietly putting a hand on her older brothers shoulder

"Dont talk about her like that" dean said quietly to Sam before realising the grip he had on his collar and stepping back walking a bit away from them.

Yn looked after him and some movement caugh her eye "Dean..."

Dean's gaze moved to the ghost who was standing in the edje of the bridge, she loked at them and then jumped.

Dean and Sam ran to where she had jumped off from.

"Of course they're running toward the danger" Yn muttered to herself before running behind them.

"I really should have stayed on the car"

***

"Lord! Dean you stink!" Yn exclaimed when her Dean neared her.

"I know. Now shut it and get in the car or I'll hug you" Dean threatened making Yn run back to the car.

"Did you really have to jump off the bridge?" Sam asked with a tired face.

"The threat goes for you too" Dean answered gruffly as he walked back to the car.

***

"Is there anything about you that's real?" The officer asked as Dean and Yn stood in the parking lot of a motel.

"My boobs" "his boobs" Dean and Yn said at the same time with a poker face.

"I suppose she is your...?" The officer trailed off looking down at Yn.

"Daughter" Dean answered making the officer raised his eyebrows.

"You look a bit too young to be a father of a teenage girl"

"We all have our flaws officer"

"Adopted" Yn cut in continuing the lie.

As the officer guided them both to the police car Dean leaned in slightly "remember the protocol" he whispered

"Got it"

At the police station they wanted to take Dean and Yn into different rooms and Yn went into a frenzy crying and shouting for Dean as the officer tried to take her away.

"Officer you can't take her away...she is special with separation exciety" Dean told the police man.

The officer relented and they both where taken into an interrogation room and cuffed to the table. Dean gave her a questioning glance 'you alright' Yn nodded cleaning up her fake tears 'yeah'

The officer went in again and started asking Dean all sorts of questions and also confronted him about the credit card scams and about the journal that they had found in the motel room.

Dean of course was unwilling to answer and just gave the officer sarcastic remarks and cocky grins. The officer turned to Yn who acted the same way. Making the officer leave the room frustrated.

***

"Good job back there" Dean praised as they walked in the sidewalk making their way to a phone booth

"I really wanted hamburgers" Yn pouted.

Dean sighed correspondingly "Me too sis, we'll get them when Sam picks us up" he said putting his arm around his little sisters shoulder.

"Next time we have to check there are no police people around"

"Ditto"

***

"Sam! Are you ok?!" Yn rushed to her brothers side after she watched in horror Constanence Welch scream and disappear into a puddle of the water in the floor of the abandoned house.

Sam groaned as he opened the door of the impala, a.k.a Dean's baby, he had drove into the house.

"Yeah im fine"

Dean in the other hand was looking worriedly at the car searching for any damage.

"Well...another mission completed" Yn sighed putting her hands to her hips.

"How many Times have I told you that's cringy?" Dean asked annoyed.

"Many. But im still gonna do it"

***

"You better call. And email me" Yn told sammy as she hugged him tightly.

"I promise I will" Sam told her softly.

"Come on booger time to go" Dean said as he claimed into the car.

Pressing a kiss on top of her head Sam let her go and Yn climbed sulkily into the car, waving Sam goodbye as they drove off.

Yn was quiet for a while until somehow she began feeling uneasy.

"Dean...turn the car around. Something's not right" she suddenly said making Dean turn to her with a frown, and seeing the look in her face spun the car around tires screeching.

They get there in time when Sam's apartment burst in to flames and Dean and Yn scrambled out of the car.

"Stay!" Dean ordered before he ran inside.

Yn watched in complete fear for her brothers. Only breathing properly when Dean re appeared dragging a crying Sam with him. One look at Dean and Yn knew... Jessica was dead.

Yn ran forward and wrapped her arms around her brother "Oh Sammy. I'm so so sorry" she whispered.

Sam hugged her back crying into her shoulder. Sobbs wreking his shoulders as he slowly fell to his knees and Yn held him.

She knew what it was like to lose someone.

Dean watched with tears in his eyes at his younger siblings. He put an arm around Sam's shoulders.

***

Sam tosses a shotgun into the back of the Impala, his face hard. The same thing that had killed his mother had killed the woman he loved.

"We got work to do"

Just like old times. Dean, Sam and Yn. Back in the hunt.

What could possibly go wrong?

***

Masterlist.

Part 1

Flashbacks. A.k.a. younger years. A.k.a. part 3, kinda

[tightjeansjavi]

your mind, your needs

A/N: so I genuinely had one of the worst days at work today. It started off okay, and then quickly spiraled downwards and by mid-afternoon, I broke. I decided to write this Joel comfort piece as a self indulgence, but I also hope this brings comfort to anyone that has had a rough day/week. Enjoy 🤎

~word count: 2.5k~

Summary: after a shitty stressful day at work, your long-time boyfriend Joel Miller comforts you in the way he knows best.

Warnings: none, AU/no!outbreak, fluff, bantering, soft intimacy, established relationship, pet names, no use of y/n, reader has no physical descriptions, moodboard is just for aesthetics, no age gap, feelings, breaking down in the workplace, comfort, soft! Joel, comforting! Joel, Joel is just the best boyfriend you could ever ask for. (+18) minors dni!

Pairing | Joel Miller x f! reader

main masterlist masterlist

Your long-term boyfriend, Joel Miller, knew your needs as if they were on the back of his hand. He knew just by your body language alone if you needed space, or if you needed some form of comfort from him. He picked up on all your little quirks. Your habits, both good and bad. The things you loved, and the things you hated, and everything in-between. He knew that when you’d have a good day at work you’d hang your keys and coat up in their designated spot on the hooks against the wall in the main entryway. Your shoes would be neatly tucked away, and there would always be a candle burning on the kitchen counter. On your rough days, your keys and purse would be thrown on the table in the hallway. Your shoes would be kicked off on the doormat, and there would be no candle burning.

Your morning started off as it normally would but by lunch time? You were fed up and on the verge of breaking down into tears. Nothing was going right. Your emails were blowing up and it just felt like you could inevitably no longer keep up with the high demand that was tossed on your plate. Normally you’d go out to lunch with coworkers, but today you isolated yourself in your car. You picked a shady spot under a nearby tree in the parking lot and parked your car. It was a beautiful day and it made you feel guilty that you chose to sit in your car instead of socializing with your coworkers. The tears were on-coming as you dialed Joel’s number. The only time that you’d call Joel on your lunch break was if you were having a bad day, or if you were going to be home late.

“Hey darlin.’ How's my pretty girl doin?’ You enjoyin’ the nice weather we’ve been havin?’” His butter-smooth Texas twang was an instant comfort to your present overwhelmed state of mind.

“Hey, baby. Could be better.” You murmured into the receiver. You could picture Joel’s furrow between his brows, and the soft pout playing on his lips from your answer.

“Somethin’ wrong honeybun? Y’havin’ a rough day?..” He softly asked as he leaned back against the side of his truck.

“I just feel like I can’t fucking do anything right today Joel. I’m sitting in my car, alone, because I just can’t take it right now. I feel like I'm about to combust.” You spoke exasperatedly as you slumped back into the driver's seat.

“Sweet girl, I'm sure that ain’t true. Jus’ havin’ a rough day? You wanna talk about it, or do ya need some space? Y’know I'm always here to listen.” He softly reassured you.

“Can we..talk when you get home later? I just wanted to briefly try and decompress from the situation. What time are you off?”

“Course we can talk at home, honey. I should be home a little after five..anythin’ special you want for dinner?”

“Tacos? From that place that we really like?..”

“Mm. Those are pretty good. I’ll pick ‘em up on my way home, okay sweet girl? Jus’ try’n power through the rest of your day. I know it's tough, but it’ll be alright.” He wished that he was there with you right now just so he could give you a well-deserved hug and soft kiss on the forehead.

“Okay. Thank you baby. I’ll try my best to power through. I’ll see you at home, and I love you.”

“‘Atta girl. I believe in ya. See you at home, and I love you too.”

Your day only seemed to plummet even further than it did before lunch. You couldn’t get a grasp on the emails, five people were asking you to do multiple tasks at once. Your phone was ringing non-stop, and you finally broke. You retreated to the bathroom, hoping to god that none of the other office ladies were in there. Much to your relief, you were alone. Your tears didn’t fall right away. You tried to hold them at bay as you practiced your breathing exercises that Joel generously taught you. It wasn’t working and it felt like the already cramped bathroom stall was closing in on you. When your tears finally broke past your waterline, you finally let all of your pent up emotion out.

The rest of your afternoon went by in a blur, and when you were finally back in your car after a long day, you closed your eyes and inhaled deeply in through your nose with your eyes softly closed and exhaled through your mouth. The day was over, and you could finally go home.

When Joel had arrived home later that evening, a little after five, he wasn’t surprised to find your shoes left untidy on the doormat. Your keys and purse were thrown haphazardly on the table in the hall, and there was no familiar scent of one of your many candles. The home you shared together was cozy and welcoming. Photographs of you together and your friends and family could be found in every room. When you first agreed to move in together three years ago, you had a conjoined idea to have separate rooms. At first your friends thought it was a bit odd that you and Joel weren’t sleeping together every night, but it actually was beneficial to your relationship. You were able to have your own space to wind down in, and so was Joel. The best part? On the nights you did sleep together, it was like you were having a sleepover.

“Hey honey? I’m home darlin’, and I come bearing tacos.” He set the bag of takeout on the counter before he padded down the hall. He knew that if your bedroom door was closed this meant that you were needing space. He respected this of course and he always would knock so that you could continue to have your privacy.

You could hear his footsteps padding down the hall and coming to a halt outside your door. His knuckles gently thrummed against the wood three times. “Darlin?’ S’okay if I come in? Or do you still wanna be alone? Tacos are on the counter if you're hungry.” His head was bowed downwards as he let out a soft sigh.

You were completely burrowed and cocooned under the blankets. You reached your arm up and wiped your tear stained cheeks on the sleeve of Joel’s hoodie that you were wearing. The material was worn down but his scent continued to linger.

“You can come in, Joel.” Your tone was soft and muffled through the blanket. Despite this, Joel was able to hear it and he gave you a few seconds to change your mind before he was grasping the door handle and gently pushing the door open. You felt the unoccupied side of the bed slowly dip and crease from the weight of Joel’s body sinking down on the comforter.

“Y’know, if ya keep stealin’ my hoodies like this, I ain’t gonna have much to wear anymore, my pretty baby.” He murmured with a soft amusing chuckle.

“Shuddup.” You rolled over onto your side and gently swatted at his arm with your cheek squished into the pillow.

“There she is. There’s my pretty girl.” He had a soft smile gracing his face to match the softness in his eyes as he looked over at you.

“Even when my cheeks are all puffy and my eyes are all red from crying? I’m still your pretty girl?” You softly teased as you reached for his hand.

“That’s when I think you’re the prettiest. How long have ya been cooped up in here?” He gently grasped your hand in his own and interlocked your fingers through his.

“Oh, you hush. Don’t make me fall in love with you even more.” You hummed as you scooted closer to him. You were seeking his comfort, and he gladly indulged in your wishes. “I’ve been here since I got home. I seriously thought the day was never going to end Joel.” You let out a huff as you nuzzled your cheek into his shoulder as his free arm gently looped around your waist and tugged you in close.

“Baby, i’m just speakin’ the truth. You wanna talk ‘bout your day? You sounded real upset earlier..I was thinkin’ about you for the rest of my shift. I know you’ve been stressed at work lately, but is there anythin’ I can be doin’ to alleviate that stress for you?” His lips were gently pressed to your forehead and he gently squeezed your hand that was still presently wrapped around his.

“It just felt like the work was never ending, and everytime I tried to catch up, more work was thrown at me and I guess I just broke after lunch. I was working on emails and then these last minute orders came in and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I went to the bathroom to try and calm my nerves, but I broke down into tears instead. I just feel like no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. My best isn’t my best, and there's more that I could be doing. I just feel like I failed as an employee today. Honey, all I need you to do is keep holding me and sweet talking me up. You just being here and listening to me is all the comfort I truly need.”

Joel let your words sink in as he thought deeply over what his response would be. “Baby, y’know it’s perfectly okay to feel like you can’t get all the work done, right? You don’t gotta push yourself to that breakin’ point. At the end of the day, it’s just a job, and you’re one person. I understand it can be overwhelmin’ at times, and y’know what? I’m extremely proud of you letting it out in a healthy way instead of jus’ bottlin’ that shit up. Your body was lettin’ y’know that it needed to release all that pent up frustration. I also want ya to know that you are good enough. You're a good employee who cares about gettin’ the work done, but ya need to be kinder to yourself darlin.’” Joel was always honest with you; it was one of the main reasons why it was so easy to fall in love with him. He never lied, and even when his own emotions were tough to sift through, he’d always be honest on how he was feeling.

“I know it’s okay if I don’t get everything done, and sometimes I’m okay with it. Sometimes I’m not because I feel like if I don’t do it, who will? If I don’t get all the emails taken care of, who’s going to do it in my place? I can only rely on my coworkers to a certain point Joel. You’re right. I do need to be kinder to myself, especially in the workplace. It’s a real struggle for me, and I’m working on changing that view on myself.”

“You jus’ gotta trust that you’re doin’ a good job. As long as you do your best, no one's gonna fault ya for that. You’re only human. Your brain only has a limited capacity to handle a certain amount of stress. That ain’t on you honey. Jus’ when you start feelin’ overwhelmed, jus’ remember that you can step away and go for a walk, or take a breather. Hell, you can call me whenever you want. I’ll always be there to talk you through it. I’m always gonna be here to listen and support you.”

You gently let go of his hand just so you could fully wrap yourself around him like a koala. Your legs tangled through his as you draped your arms around his neck with your fingers lightly toying with soft hairs at the nape of his neck. “How do you always say the right thing everytime? You just know exactly what it is that I need to hear.”

“Can’t reveal my secrets to ya baby. I’m just real good at readin’ ya. What can I say? I’m a natural.” He chuckled as his other arm came to rest along your lower back with his fingers gently splayed under the fabric of his hoodie that you were wearing. He was rubbing soothing circles into your skin as a comforting gesture. “I jus’ don’t like seein’ my girl upset. Breaks this poor man’s heart. Jus’ wanna be there for ya in any way that I can.”

“You are indeed a natural, Joel.” You pressed a gentle kiss to the tip of his nose, giggling softly when he scrunched his nose up and playfully wiggled his eyebrows at you like the goof that he was. “I appreciate you giving me my space, and then being here to comfort me. I know I say this all the time, but I truly appreciate it.”

“‘Course, baby. Y’do the same for me. It’s mutual, and it makes me feel good inside that I can bring ya a sense of comfort even on your toughest days.” He softly murmured.

“Can we please go and eat tacos now and then watch a movie or something?” Your lashes fluttered as you looked up at him from where your cheek was resting against the crook of his shoulder.

“Baby, you don’t gotta ask me twice. Jus’ as long as you keep those toesicles away from me. Deal?”

You fought the urge to roll your eyes at his remark about your apparently frigid feet. You couldn’t help the giggle that slipped past your lips as you slowly shook your head, “Joel, my feet are not that cold. You’re just being a big baby about it.”

“Nuh-uh. Those toes? They’re literal icicles. Put some socks on ‘em.” He playfully teased as he stole a quick kiss on your lips.

“You’re the worst.”

“Ah, but ya love me baby. You love me sooo much.” He singsonged as he coaxed you to sit up in his arms.

“Yeah, I do love you quite a lot. You might actually be my favorite person in the entire world.”

“Oh god, you’re evil. G’nna make me cry now. Cats out of the bag, darlin.’ Cus’ you’re my favorite person in the entire goddamn world too.”

“Disgusting.” You teased and he immediately went in to tickle you. Your joined laughter echoed through your bedroom. The sound of love, understanding, and feeling.

For the rest of the evening, you and Joel spent it on the couch eating your tacos and watching whatever movie you could find that would lift your spirits. Your sock-clad feet rested comfortably along his lap as he gently massaged your calves. He was focused on the colorful screen while you were focused on his jaw-dropping stunning side profile. Who the hell allowed this man to not only be beautiful on the outside, but also within. You loved that man with your everything, and he loved you just the same.

Banners made by the lovely @saradika

[greg-montgomery]

hiii first of all let me say i am ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE with your blog and that everything you post is amazing <333

.....and since your requests are open, let me give you the receipt to kill me 😈 (or to make my day, it depends)

so that would be a scenario involving hotch x reader + reader ovulating (or in the days before cycle when the hormones are all 🥴🦋🥰🤭🤤) + him being condescending in bed

my brain is fixated on this and I was waiting to request this to someone

⚠️ i am a consent-queen anon and i invite you to write this only if you can/feel like it/have the time to. If not, delete the ask bc i don't wanna make you uncomfortable, you're so sweet in your interactions <3

hiiii <3 you're so sweet!!! i'm super late to this, but i hope you're still around and get to read this and enjoy it <33 ilysm!

minors dni - 18+

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

Those damn profilers….and you had to be the one to be dating one of the best of them. It was impossible to hide from Aaron.

It wasn’t common for you, wanting to hide things from him. He was the one who you trusted more than anyone else in your life. But sometimes, you felt…embarrassed of things.

Like that evening, you wanted to have sex with Aaron, but didn’t want to be the one who initiated it again. You were the one who was all over him the night before and that morning. It felt almost humiliating having to ask for sex again.

But you weren’t at fault. Aaron had just come home from work and he was so tired, he didn’t follow his usual routine of taking his suit off and running into the shower. That was the reason you felt guilty for wanting to disturb his resting time. But that was also the reason you wanted him so bad; his suit, his untied tie, the sweat on his forehead. And maybe also the fact that your little period calendar app had reminded you yesterday that you were ovulating.

Still, no matter how much you were trying to conceal your sudden and very much desperate desire for your boyfriend, he was clearly onto you.

“Why are you staring at me, honey?” he asked, not bothering to lift his head to look at you. His eyes were glued on the screen of his phone, going through his emails.

“Just missed you, that’s all.”

“I missed you too, baby.” His deep voice calling you ‘baby’ only worsened your problem. Maybe you just had to get some alone time and take care of it.

“Um…I’m gonna go take a shower, okay?” you said.

“Now?”

“Yeah. Did you wanna go first?”

He finally lifted his gaze from his phone and looked at you with a smirk. “Are you really that desperate?”

“What?”

Aaron threw his phone on the cushion next to him and spread his legs wider. “On my lap.”

As if you were under a spell, you got up without even thinking it, walked towards the couch, and straddled Aaron’s lap.

You were so turned on that even that light touch of your body meeting his sent sparkles to your clit.

His large hands went straight to your exposed thighs, rubbing them up and down.

“My princess,” he said leaving a small kiss on your lips. “Haven’t I told you that I want you to always ask me for what you need?”

“I don’t…”

“Don’t lie to me. I can tell you’re struggling,” he said with a soft laugh. And with a tone that suggested that you were pathetic he added, “You’re horny, aren’t you?”

“Aaron,” you whined, and hit him playfully on the arm.

“Aren’t you?” he repeated.

You were too embarrassed to reply with words so you just nodded your head.

“See? I can always tell what’s going on in that pretty head of yours,” he said, his hand cupping the side of your face, “so you may as well just ask for what you want. It’ll save us both time.”

“You’re being mean,” you said.

“Am I still going to be mean if I get you off?”

Embarrassed or not, his words made your eyes sparkle.

“That’s what I thought. Now take off your clothes,” he ordered.

As you were getting undressed, Aaron unzipped his pants and took his cock out. When you got to the part of taking off your underwear he started stroking himself slowly, not taking his eyes off you for a moment.

You were almost drooling watching him still all dressed up touching himself, and the ache between your legs was getting unbearable.

“Come back here,” he said, once you were fully nude.

His thumb started touching your clit, circling it in a slow pace that made your knees already tremble. “Aaron…”

“Do you like it?”

“Mhm…” you said biting your lip.

“You can be louder, sweetheart. No one’s home but us,” he said and slipped his middle finger in you.

“Ah…”

Aaron’s fingers were thick, and could make you see stars. But at the moment, nothing but his cock could really satisfy you.

“I want you to fuck me. Please, Aaron, I can’t…”

“Okay,” he said, leaning in slightly to leave an open mouthed kiss to one of your nipples. “Okay. I’ve got you.”

He kissed the spot between your breasts and looked up at you with a smile. “You really need me, don’t you baby?”

“So bad,” you admitted.

With that, he pulled you down by your hips, and you took his hard dick in your hand, guiding it into your hole.

“My God,” you moaned at the feeling of him finally filling you up. “Aaron…”

He threw his head back and swallowed harshly at the feeling of your pussy around him. “Ah baby…”

Aaron’s dick was big just like everything else about him, which was exactly what you needed; feeling him deep inside you, hitting every spot that made your thoughts blurry and left you thinking only his name.

Your movements were desperate, riding him and taking him all in like you needed. His hands were on your ass, not to guide you but more for his enjoyment.

You wrapped your hands around his neck and kissed him deeply, wanting to devour every drop of this man’s body. “You feel so good inside me,” you moaned against his mouth.

“You like it, baby?”

“I love it.”

You pulled away just enough for him to move his hands and cup your tits, massaging them as you rocked your hips against his.

“You always take it so well. If only you could see how desperate you look, baby. Just a dumb girl who’s always thinking about my cock, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Aaron. Yes,” you moaned, and the built up in your lower belly got bigger and bigger.

Aaron started rubbing your clit, faster than he did at the beginning, watching your movements getting more and more clumsy as you were getting closer towards your release.

“I’m gonna cum,” you whined.

“That’s my good girl. Come on, baby. That’s my girl.”

Aaron’s encouraging words, his finger on your clit, and his dick buried in your pussy had you clenching around him and moaning his name. “Fuck.”

“Kneel for me. I wanna cum on your face,” he moaned.

Still feeling numb between your legs, you got on your knees in front of him and watched him as he stroked himself. Soon he painted you with his cum, and you enjoyed the feeling of the warm liquid on your skin. It made you feel his.

[yunacoeur]

loser in love - kim taerae

a/n: i’ve been working on this for about a week now and it’s still shorter than i expected it to be. oh well, let me know if you like this! also who do i need to bribe at wakeone to give me jeonghyeon bc i miss him!!!! need him so bad

word count: 3.8k

zb1 | kim taerae, sunshine x grumpy au, angst, cute ending, communication issues trope, he fell first but she fell harder trope, college au, reader kinda sucks but they mean well <3

—

your professor assigns a two-person project in your philosophy class. it’s a paper on whether or not socrates was innocent or guilty of corrupting the youth.. or something like that. given you got a decent partner, it would take just a couple sessions at the library to get it done. you’re not even paying attention until someone walks up to you while you’re reading something on your phone. you look up to see a guy from your class you haven’t spoken to yet, though his reputation precedes him (yours must as well. he seems like he knows who you are). 

his name is taerae, you… think. he’s in the same friend group with sung hanbin and kim jiwoong, which already means he’s popular and well liked if he’s good enough to hang around with those kinds of guys. he’s always got this bright smile on his face, like a literal ray of sunshine walks through those doors every monday, wednesday, and friday. 

“hi,” he says to you, “i’m taerae. you’re my partner, right?” so you were right.

“yep,” you respond plainly. 

he awkwardly waits for you to maybe say something else, but when you don’t, he says, “are you available to meet at the library today? so we can get a headstart?”

yeah and did i mention he’s an amazing student? you couldn’t even imagine doing an assignment the day it was assigned, let alone actually do it, but it’s one less thing to worry about in three weeks and your future self will thank you.

“yeah, i can do 3,” you say and he smiles that bright smile that could make your heart flutter.

“alright, i’ll see you then!” he says, and then he’s off. 

you’re left right where you started, sitting at your desk, staring at your phone. you look over at the couple next to you, being way too excited that they got paired together. they’re doing way too much pda for a classroom and it reminds you, once again, that love is weird. not your style.

—

the first time you go to the library is 3 weeks before the due date.

“so which argument should we use? i think guilty would be more interesting to write about, but innocent is probably the easier side to defend.” he says, looking over at you after going over all his papers with that stupid smile again. it’s kind of annoying how immediately likable he is. 

“i don’t care. up to you,” you mumble, getting your laptop setup to write up your guys’ outline. 

he seems discouraged that you’re only responding to him shortly, but he refuses to give up, much to your dismay, “i want you to pick.” he says, small smile this time. his dimple is still visible, of course. 

“fine. we’ll argue that he’s innocent. what’s your email so i can share this doc with you?” you say, looking up at him, making brief eye contact. 

he’s silent for a second, just looking at you. 

and then suddenly it’s like his soul comes back into his body. “oh, sorry,” he says lamely, typing in his email on your keyboard and handing your laptop back you. he gets quiet for a second, and it makes the atmosphere weird and almost tense.

you feel the need to break it, “do you want to write the introduction and then first two arguments and i’ll write the third argument, the counter, and the conclusion?”

he smiles. you don’t even know why he would be smiling right now, but he has this look of fondness on his face, “sure. let’s work for an hour and then take a break. okay?” he says and you nod. 

you pretend not to notice the way he keeps looking at you, opening his mouth like he has something to say, and then giving up on that thought and going back to typing. 

—

“hi bestie,” you say as you walk up to taerae’s usual seat in the library. and there he is as always at this time. he doesn’t even know himself how he got you to show up here everyday (even if you barely did any work. you had finished your parts of the paper a week ago, but keep showing up to accompany him until he was done.) he can’t figure out why you keep showing up but he wont tell you to leave. 

“hey,” he says, not looking up from his laptop. 

“i got you something,” you tell him. he looks up, curious. 

you got him coffee when you got one for yourself, the exact thing he told you he liked last time.

it makes his heart skip a beat. maybe more than one.

—

“do you believe in ghosts?” he asks you as you type up a different assignment. the question catches you off guard, and you choose to stop your assignment and humor him for a second. 

“i guess so? why?” 

“why do you believe in ghosts?” he asks.

you laugh breathlessly, considering the true answer that you believe, “it just makes sense that they do. especially if their soul had unfinished business.”

“like what?”

“i dont know,” you shake your head, giggling at his persistence, “maybe they left someone they loved dearly behind, and they have to watch over them.”

loved… to love someone so dearly that you soul won’t rest until they find peace. your peace connected to theirs. how beautiful…

—

“do you ever feel like you’re missing out?” he asks, suddenly. a part of you almost already knows what he means. you were always more similar than you gave yourselves credit for.

“what do you mean?”

“i’ve never been in love. always so focused on music and my studies,” he admits, looking over at you, “am i missing out? it is nice to be in love?”

“well, unfortunately for you, you picked the one wrong person to ask,” you laugh at his defeated face, “ i’ve never been in love and i don’t really think i want to. it sounds lame. like i just wanna love my friends and myself. i don’t think romance is for me.” 

“yeah..? that sounds lonely,” he comments, but you shake your head.

“not lonely, just no one to break my heart.”

—

“if we keep going at this rate,” you say as you walk up to him and pull out your laptop, “we’ll probably only have to come to the library one more time. so this is what it’s like to be a good student.” you laugh to yourself as you sit down. he smiles faintly.

“yeah, for sure,” he says. almost looking down, like what you said upset him in some kind of way. it doesn’t make sense why. why would he want to keep working on philosophy assignments more than they have to?

— 

the supposedly ‘last’ time you go to the library is d-5 from the due date.

“do you really hate romance?” he asks, bringing up the topic again. he seems weirdly hung up on it.

“no, i never said i hated it. just not for me,” you sigh, “i’m not really a people person anyway. there’s no one i’d want to date even if i wanted to be romanced.”

ouch.

—

it’s d-day. a beautiful wednesday.

“hey!” taerae says, catching your attention as you get up to leave class. 

“what’s up?”

“can you meet after your classes today? would 3 work?” he asks, knowing full well you just submitted that paper with both your names on it. it was a+ material, what could be wrong about it?

“why? the project is over,” you say bluntly. he smile falters just a bit, but he catches himself and continues on.

“i… need your help to study,” he says, like he came up with it on the spot. 

‘you need… my help?’ you wanna say, but you don’t. you don’t call him out. 

“okay,” you say, “but i’m not staying long. just long enough to ‘help’ or whatever. see ya, tae.” you get up to go, but his hand stops you, grabbing your arm. 

“hey... uhm.. please come,” he says sincerely. something about this feels deeper than just ‘studying’. his eyes are showing how vulnerable he already feels. 

 “i will, taerae. i promise,” you say, “i'm honestly offended you think I'm gonna stand you up.”

he laughs with a bittersweet smile, “sorry!” as you walk off to your next class.

–

he’s sitting at one of those benches outside the library when you walk up to him. he doesn’t notice you at first, just playing on his phone. he looks so peaceful. 

and then he notices you, and smiles that signature smile, “hey! thank you for coming,” he says.

it’s just a tad bit confusing why he’s so hellbent on the idea that you wouldn’t want to come see him, or that it’s so important that you’re here. 

“i’m taking it that you don’t need help studying,” you smile back at him, and he shakes his head, “didn’t think so. you’re a star student.”

“i try my best,” he says, and you scoff at him. he barely tries. he’s just good at everything (except for math. but that’s math’s fault for being too complicated for him).

you shake your head at him, “okay, what did you wanna do?”

“i actually wanted to tell you something,” he starts. that smile of his fades when he gets anxious. he puts his hands in his pockets to hide how clammy they’re getting. you urge him to continue but he’s struggling to find the words, “i-i’m sorry, it’s hard to talk about.”

“it’s okay, tae, just breathe,”

he frowns, seemingly gaining the courage to say his thoughts, “i- i know this is- this is not what you want to hear because you’ve told me how you’re not romantically interested in anyone and you don’t want a relationship. you’re really clear about that and i respect that.”

he closes his eyes as he braces himself for how vulnerable he’s about to feel. he’s preparing to bare his heart out to you, when he knows you can’t care for it like he needs. 

“and i don’t want to make you feel pressured, but it feels wrong to hide it from you while i monopolize all your time,” he says, lowering his face to hide it from you. you can still see how red his ears are getting though, “i had to go and fall for the one person i couldn’t fall in love with.” he says it more to himself, like a criticism. ‘how could i do something so stupid, so self-destructive?’ he’s probably thinking, "I have feelings for you. i'm sorry."

“taerae…” you whisper, coming closer to try and comfort him, putting your hand on his arm. 

he shakes his head again, looking up with you with those darling eyes that make people fall for him left and right, “and it’s not fair to you, but it’s not fair to me either. you don’t want to be in love? that’s fine. but you can’t go and take my heart and write your initials on it like it belongs to you, and expect me to not feel it pounding in my chest for you. that’s…” it’s ironic that so many people probably have feelings for him and yet he’s here, baring his soul out to you, “cruel.”

his eyes, intentionally or not, are piercing into your soul in turn. it’s like he can see every last piece of your being, and it’s frightening to be that known by someone else. they’re pulling you in like a siren song, making you want to give it a chance, give him a chance. his eyes are doing every last thing to make you his, promising you to only ever be yours, to never hurt you, to always make you happy. 

maybe that’s why you left him there with nothing more than a squeeze to his hand and a “i’m so sorry,”. it was easier than looking into those beautiful eyes and tell him no. easier than watching his heart (with your initials on it) shatter.

���

and so you continue on with life. soulessly, you suppose, but every day keeps coming whether or not you want it to.

you keep checking your phone. it doesn’t even make sense why, because he’s probably too embarrassed and upset to text you. and he has every right to be upset at you right now. you left him when you got scared and haven’t even tried to say sorry, much less give him a proper response since that day. he has every right to be pissed at you.

and the shitty part is you know he’s not. because he’s taerae. because he was never mad at you. not when you bugged him when he tried to study. not when you barely worked during your library meetups. not when you were late and not when you were rude to him when you first had to start working together. 

he’s never been mad at you and you know every time you walk past him, he stops to look at you, hoping you’ll turn around, and the fact that you don’t is breaking him even more. all you know is that if he uses those puppy eyes on you one more time, all your resolve will crack. 

not falling in love was your main goal during college. years of being alone, part by choice and part by circumstance, made it so you felt you were better off by yourself. it’s hard to want other people when you’re not used to feeling wanted, and being in love just seems so scary.

were you in love with taerae? that was the real question, wasn’t it?

because he wasn’t that close of a friend. you had barely known he was more than an npc a few weeks ago, and you didn’t really know him that well. he was an enigma, a being you knew existed but nothing beyond his existence. and he wasn’t particularly charming. he was awkward. he was dorky. he didn't dress that well. he was really passionate about things and those things completely consumed him. he initially seemed like an anti romantic up until now, too focused on his passions and life to even think about love.

but every time he had said a dumb joke, you laughed. every time he tried to impress you with how cool he was, sure, it was kinda dorky, but you were impressed. and when he smiled at you, it felt like the world was okay in that instant. he gave you his jacket when he was cold once, he got your coffee before your study session once, and he cheered you on. 

maybe you did love him, but he must have given you no other option. nothing else you could do besides helplessly watching as he fundamentally changed who you were.

was it so bad to be in love with taerae? he’s beyond kind and has endless good will to give the world. and of course it was scary to be in love, but taerae wasn’t scary. he wouldn’t break your heart, he’d give you peace of mind and comfort. 

—

nothing sways you to talk to him quite like another person trying to flirt with him does. they’re attractive, a little mysterious, and intriguing from the get-go- if taerae’s crush on you was indicative of a type, they’d be his perfect match. 

they’re so clearly into him, you wonder if you looked like that when you hung out with him. maybe passerbys thought you were a couple before you were even friends. 

and he’s so clearly letting them flirt. he’s not making moves, but taerae doesn’t make moves like that. he wants to move slower than that. he doesn’t want to get into their pants, he wants them to romance him. he wants to feel courted. you’re not sure what you did to romance him, or how exactly your attitude made him feel courted. 

and it’s so hard to watch him be flirted with because you were the one who left him there. that could be you right now, but it’s not. taerae is letting someone else flirt with him and letting someone else tell him jokes and smiling that bright smile at someone else. that’s what really hurts. 

but you let them be while you jealously sip your coffee, talking to your friend sitting next to you.

“you need to talk to him,” they say, “you need to tell him about your feelings. even if you’re scared. he deserves honesty and you deserve to be happy.” 

and they’re right. you know they are. friends tend to be right about this kind of stuff.

and it takes all day to build up the courage. the second you think you could do it and make it out alive, you run over to his dorm room. it’s across campus, and you really could have just walked, but that means more time left alone with your thoughts, which is a big no no right now. 

—

it’s early in the evening, but even still you’re grateful that junhyeon took pity on you and took you to his dorm room that he shares with taerae. he left you guys alone to ‘talk’ he says with a smirk. if only you were sneaking in for something fun like that. and not to pour your heart out onto his floor and just hope that he’ll be okay with cleaning up the mess. 

“taerae!” you say as you burst into the room, locking the door as soon as junhyeon annoyingly shouts, “you're welcome!”. he looks up like a deer in headlights from his desk to see you tired, out of breath, holding the door against junhyeon until he gives up. he furrows his brows in confusion.

“what’s going on? are you okay?” he asks, "what's wrong? did someone say something?" he's got this look of protectiveness in his eyes. you wonder briefly if he thinks someone hurt your feelings and you came running to him for comfort. it's charming.

you shake your head, “i made a mistake and i came to fix it,” you say, that look in his eyes coming right back. like you’re back in that moment at the library. like it’s that fateful day again, with light wind in the forecast and pollen in the air. you remember nothing but how beautiful kim taerae looked and how painful it felt to run away. 

“i’m listening..” he says, trying to get you to continue, to say your side of everything, because you’re lost in thought and forgetting that he’s standing right in front of you.

you sigh, thinking maybe it’s best to back out, turning around to try the door. hopefully, junhyeon didn’t put a chair outside to keep you trapped so you could do 'things'. you almost commit to leaving, telling taerae you didn't have anything to say at all. it was easier than facing him. that’s when you see it. 

“what’s this?” you ask, pointing to the new bracelet in his pile of usual jewelry. 

“oh… my friend just got that for me, actually. i don’t think you’ve met that friend yet,” he says.

“was it the friend in the courtyard?” you ask, looking up at him. he can’t decipher the look in your eyes, but he nods. you’re half expecting a ‘how did you know i was in the courtyard?’ but you know he’s not going to pry like that. 

“taerae, i-” you start to say, and he looks up again, that hopeful look in his eyes. if you were a better person, you would have noticed how he looked at you the first time and never, ever let someone hurt him. even yourself. 

but you weren’t that person. you’ll learn to be that person now, though. his pretty smile depended on it. 

“i’m so sorry for leaving you there,” you say, getting right into it, “i’m sorry i never gave you a proper response to what you told me, and i’m sorry it’s taken me so long to gather my thoughts. i’m so sorry, i feel horrible for how you must have felt when i left after you said all of that.” 

“it’s okay,” he tells you. it’s not and you both know it, “you don’t have to feel the same about me. that was my fault for falling for you and coming on so strong about my feelings. you weren’t ready for it and i scared you. i was in the wrong.”

and it hurts to know he’s still going to apologize after all of this. he’s too kind and too pure of heart. 

the bracelet comes back to your mind. and you have no right to be jealous because that person did nothing wrong. they were honestly probably a good distraction for him while you were being a coward. but the bracelet, a marker of something of theirs being on his wrist. the thought left a disgusting feeling in your stomach. it was clear in that moment exactly how you felt. 

you come closer to him, suddenly emboldened by the jealousy of a gift another suitor got him and the fact that he was so wrong in his assumption of how he felt. he takes a step back when you get a little too close, like he’s nervous. not scared, but timid about what’s going on. his breath hitches when you look down at his lips like you could devour him. you were so obvious. 

“taerae,” you say, and one last time, he looks up at you with doe eyes, “i thought i didn’t have feelings for you. and then i watched myself break your heart. i knew right there and then that these emotions couldn’t have been caused by anything other than me having feelings for you. i didn’t want to admit it, to you or myself, but…” you trail off, forgetting the last words of your sentence when his eyes find your lips, like he wants to have you now, finally knowing there’s shared emotions there, “i thought i didn’t feel anything romantic for people at all, like i was soulless, and you proved me wrong.” 

“...why did you run?”

“i was scared. i’ve always been afraid to fall in love. i kept thinking, ‘what if he broke my heart?’. i realized how dumb it sounded because… it’s just so unlike you,” you smile at him, seeing all the innocence and kindness in his eyes, and wonder how you ever could have felt scared to fall for him, “and i saw them flirt with you. i told myself i couldn’t be jealous, but it’s hard to not be. i wanted you first, kim taerae. i know it’s not up to me, but they couldn’t have you. i couldn’t let that happen.”

“...come take me then,” he says, still staring at your lips. he really won’t make the first move, will he? you smile to yourself as you step closer, pressing your lips to his briefly, pulling away, and then again, just… not so briefly this time. he pulls away first because lord knows you couldn’t have, “so what happened to ‘i never wanna fall in love’?”

“i didn’t want this initially, you know. falling for you was never a choice,” you say. he laughs with all his chest.

“such an anti-romantic. glad i could turn you,” he smiles, “i’m just happy, in all your hatred of romance and pickiness for people, you picked this loser.”

oh taerae, you’re not a loser. you’re just in love.

[deepestdelulu]

Embrace your loneliness

Apply a facemask and watch a movie. (my guilty pleasure, lol..)

Read a book, article, or blog...

Watch a tv show. I'm currently watching Gossip girl.

Try to learn a dance from youtube. It can be an entertaining way to work out.

Paint your nails. Nice hands are always pleasant to see.

Go to the grocery store and buy some snacks.

Try a new recipe.

Go for a walk. Try to reach at least 10k steps daily. There are very nice apps for calorie and steps counting.

Take the 16 Personalities test. I'm an INFP :)

Write a letter to your future self. There is an online page called futureme where you can, as the name indicates, write to your future self <3

Bake something for beloved ones.

Test old pens and throw away the dry ones. As a big fan of stationary I have to admit I should start doing this.

Watch the sunrise or senset. I personally prefer sunrises.

Take a long bath. Try bath bombs, new scented candles while having a bath and girl, just chill, it must be tiring to be that perfect every day.

Make a birthday wishlist. Pinterest and tiktok my biggest alies for this.

Make a bucket list.

Research something. Learn about curious things, it´s very attractive talk with someone cultured.

Make a vision board. Having clear goals will make your way to success easier or at least faster, since you will not have to be thinking about what your next move should be.

Go to a new coffee shop.

Scrolling Tiktok for the next hours. Not recommended to do it everyday, but yall know, we've all been there.

Cut/dye your hair. I love long hair so I don´t cut it oftenly (just trim) but I try to have always my curtain bangs styled.

Create a new playlist.

Make a photo wall. Do it for me, my gotele wall would never let me :(

Make your room cozy.

Accomplished your to-do list.

Update your wardrobe, I´m sure you have there some old stuff. (I do as well)

Learn how to crochet. My last project was a book cover for a frind of mine.

Make yourself a drink, like a tea, coffee, or smoothie!

Clean your digital space. (emails, photos, apps, etc...)

Plan some outfits, so that you don´t have to rush in the mornings.

Feel free to add more advice :)

✩‧₊*:・see ya ･:*₊‧✩

[thousandfourhundreddays]

Matty doing something romantic! Literally anything at all!!

Romance Isn’t Dead

Matty Healy x Reader

Masterlist

Requests are open!!❤️‍🔥

A/n hey!! Thank you for this request. I started writing this and then realised that maybe this isn’t even romantic by anyone else’s standards? I’d just cry if anyone did this for me ahah, the bar is so low. Anyways, hope you enjoy!!

The loud shrill of your ringtone shattered the peace of your office, well, maybe you couldn’t call it peace, but silence none the less, forcing your brows together in annoyance as you reached across the desk for your phone, placed only just far enough away to dispel any temptation to loose yourself in endless social media scrolling. But the creases that had formed between your brows lifted instantly as you read the caller ID. Matty. Swiping across the screen to answer his call, you brought your phone up to your ear, leaning back into the cool leather chair that you’d discovered to only be comfortable for the length of an average working day, but when your working day surpassed the 10 hour mark, not so much.

“Hey” you spoke gently, always finding it easy to find comfort in Matty’s presence, even it he was only on the other end of the line.

“Hey” he replied, a smile evident through his voice. “You still at work?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry babe” you spoke through a sigh as your eyes moved to read the time in the corner of your screen.

8:15 pm

“Are you home yet?”

“Yeah, got home an hour or so ago, doing shit tons of emails I need to get through though, so don’t feel too bad for leaving your gorgeous, loving, brilliant boyfriend home all on his own.” He joked, although his usual teasing tone wasn’t as prominent in his words, his voice croaking and lethargic and you could almost picture him sat tat the kitchen table, stretching his back in the most awkward way, one hands rubbing his eyes as the other held his phone to his ear, joking that emails weren’t part of the rockstar lifestyle he signed up for.

“I don’t, if that’s the kind of jokes your coming out with tonight” you teased, his humor never failing to cast a smile onto your lips, not that you’d ever stop trying to convince him otherwise. He huffed out a laugh, both of you fully aware that your jokes were just as bad as each others.

“I won’t be long” you whispered after a moment of silence, unsure whether you’d be able to stick to that promise,

“Ok, baby, I love you”

“I love you”

And suddenly, you were plunged back into the deep, dark hole, being swallowed up by work.

-

You had no idea how long it had been since the last time you’d looked away from your laptop, since your phone call with Matty, but the click of a door somewhere outside of your office pulled your eyes away from the screen. Your fingers stilled on your keyboard and you held your breath as you listened silently, unsure of who could be in the office so late, besides you, of course. ironic, you thought. You only began to breath again when you saw a silhouette appear in the doorway, the figure should’ve raised panic in you, but the unmistakable curls and tall frame that was so precisely memorised and ingrained in your mind, swallowed up by the usual long coat gave away exactly who it was. Matty

“You should lock the door if your here on your own” he spoke with a smirk, “I could’ve been anyone” he teased when he saw the panicked look on your face.

“Fuck, Matty” you breathed heavily, holding a hand to your chest, trying to steady your heartbeat, “point proven”. As your pulse began to slow, and your eyes began to adjust, trying to pick him out in the darkness beyond the blue glare of your screen, an indicator that told Matty you hadn’t even moved to turn on the lights since it went dark, you saw him holding takeout boxes stacked precariously in one hand, two paper cups in the other and his laptop tucked beneath his arm, yet somehow he carried them with ease. Your gaze softened as you realized why he was here, somewhat feeling guilty for dragging him out of the house at this time, but mostly grateful for the man who stood in front of you.

“Can I join you?” His voice pulled you out of your thoughts, “I just thought, you have work to do… I have work to do, I missed you, so we might as well do it together.” He explained, leaving you a little lost for words but nodding surely.

“You didn’t have to do this” you whispered as he neared your desk, placing everything down as gently as he could, he looked up to meet your eyes, and shrugged. “I wanted to”. As if it was the most mundane thing ever, as if he didn’t make you want to rip your own heart out and scream simply because you loved him and that mind of his so much. He took a few more steps and brought himself round to your side of the desk, calloused hands reaching out to cup your jaw as it gaped slightly, eyes refusing to leave his as he studied you from a distance. You could only smile at him, your working day might still not be over but his company definitely made the load feel a lot lighter. He leaned down, pressing a kiss to your lips, lingering for a second, breathing you in. “Who said romance is dead, hey?”

[the1975attheirverybest]

10 things Matty does as a dad

A/n: the brain rot will not stop so….

Warnings: none

————

Freak out at the hospital when the nurse hands him his newborn baby for the first time. “Oh gosh what if I drop her.” “Oh she’s so small. How can a person be so small.” “hi little one. I’m your daddy it’s so good to meet you.” “I love you already.”

Gets up every single time the baby does. Even though he and the wife have a schedule and it hinges upon one of them being awake and alert when the other isn’t. So it defeats the purpose for him to wake up every time but he insists he’d just feel guilty if he kept sleeping while his wife and child are awake at night.

Takes a year off from work. No producing. No writing for other artists. No 1975 stuff. He might scribble stuff down or try ideas if something comes to him. But he’s not like actively trying to make a record at all. So, he stays with the baby at home all day when the missus gets back to work and gets really into baby nutrition. Reading books on obscure health benefits of rare oils and extracts. Tries to buy a bunch of them online.

Oh the online shopping. When it’s late at night and he’s rocking the baby back to sleep and he’s kinda sleep deprived, he makes questionable decisions. Buys every toy that markets itself as “educational.” Or important to kids cognitive development or whatever. His missus has to institute a rule where they need to donate 2 old toys for each new toy they purchase.

The pediatrician tells him that talking and reading to the baby is important in order to make sure they acquire the strongest vocabulary by age 3. So he starts to read to her regularly. First, it’s children’s books. But then it progresses to whatever he can find around the house. Grocery lists, the blender manual, song lyrics, emails. He even does different voices and sound effects to keep things interesting.

He asks his baby girl for her input on music even before she’s old enough to understand what she’s really saying. “Come here, daddy wants to show you something. What do you think? You like it?”

Let’s her design tour posters/ album cover/ merch graphics

Establishes a regular dad-daughter date. Even when she’s an infant. A whole day of just the two of them. It starts out as just him needing to prove to himself that he could take care of her all day without asking for help from anyone. But he just keeps doing it as time goes by. It becomes a bonding experience. As she grows up, they start to use this time to talk about school, what she’s into, her friends, etc.

Cries when she’s sick. The missus will be like “matty, children get the sniffles sometimes. She’ll be okay. This is fine. Necessary even! For her immune system.” But he’s just like “she’s so miserable and can hardly breathe poor girl.” He’s practically a mess when she gets the chickenpox. All his memories of getting it or watching his brother get it mean nothing to him. He acts as if his kid is the first and last one to ever get sick on parent earth.

He watches YouTube tutorials to learn to do various hair styles just to impress her by offering her options when she asks him to help her do her hair for school in the morning.

[graciehart]

☁️

I’m so tired. The thing about being hospitalized is that it wasn’t some abrupt crisis that escalated quickly. The entire week built up to the crisis and I remember it so vividly. That week is burned into my brain and the whole thing is hard.

October 6 was a Sunday. I saw Idina for the last time that week with my friend who had been staying with me that week.

October 7 I had class and work, then I went to dinner with my friend who left that night.

October 8 I had therapy before my friend and I went to see Anastasia. Someone in the cast reminded me of Bernadette Peters, which made me hyperfixate on Bernadette, my then-therapist. I freaked out about the attachment.

October 9 Bernadette wanted to talk on the phone because whatever message I sent the night before during my freak out was a little alarming. I was on my bed crying for 3 hours. She called between clients and spent a total of at least two hours on the phone with me. My friend spent the night with me and Bernadette emailed my emergency contact to let her know what was going on.

October 10 was a Thursday. I saw my emergency contact and made it through most of the day. Then I went home and was again inconsolable. The same friend babysat me again.

October 11 I went to classes and work and cried literally every moment in between. I cried between classes, I called Bernadette and left messages, I went home and cried and cried and finally called my emergency contact. None of us had been able to reach Bernadette. She had to follow my safety plan and would call the team if I didn’t go to the ER willingly. I went thinking they’d scoff at me and be like “you’re fine, you said you aren’t going to hurt yourself, go home,” and then I’d be home again but I’d have appeased everyone. They put me on an involuntary hold and literally no one involved was surprised except me.

October 12 they transferred me to the psych ward. My sister got engaged and I felt guilty about ruining it. I spent the day mostly crying and sleeping. Bernadette called. I begged her to convince the psychiatrist to sign off on ending the hold since I wouldn’t be alone. I had to manage not to lose it with the psychiatrist but I did it. I’ll never forget the brief exchange I had with a boy who was being admitted as I was discharged, the sadness we both shared.

I literally went straight from the psych ward to my sister’s engagement celebration and I did what I do so well.

And maybe it wouldn’t have been so traumatic if not for the aftermath, but then my worst nightmare came true. The reason I had always refused help—Bernadette left. I didn’t process any of the hospital for almost two years because we went straight into the grief and regret and anguish of loss and my worst fears coming true.

Five years on, I’m doing better, I really am. I worked through a lot of it after a couple years, but it truly is one of those markers. There’s a me before that happened, and I mourn her sometimes. It’s not something I can fully articulate, but I’m not the same. My heart breaks for that girl. I’m also a better therapist because I worked through this. But this year is especially hard. I feel heavy, I want to cry and cry but am also so numb, I miss Bernadette more than I remember her, and I’m angry that I’ve started to heal from the loss because it was all I had left connecting me to the time I did have with her (the best year of my life, truly).

Maybe I’ll delete this, it’s essentially just a journal. But I sometimes struggle with journaling because I need to know someone read it, someone heard me. I feel just as alone when I write down my thoughts if they aren’t shared. Even though I’ll be horrified by sharing them.

And… that’s what’s going on. The SI is worse, unsurprisingly. I wonder if it really matters that I’m here. Would you notice if I stopped posting? Or maybe you’d notice because I post a lot, so then the question is would it matter? Would anyone remember me or miss me?

[possibilistfanfiction]

conservationist au already!? you write so fast dang (what are your secrets) (also it's okay if you want to keep them secret) (mostly i am excite for frog)

here she is! frog au! lol [ao3]

//

to see us blossom (while the green spreads like wings)

//

only our feet have been here, that i'm aware of. it's wild and remote and beautiful as can be. i just want to be quiet and love it. let it sink in. i'll be leaving the planet, sometime. and i'll miss it.

— dr. bruce means

//

'dr. silva,' diego bursts into your office, his hair fluffed and messy, 'i found someone for the expedition!'

'did you... run here?'

'yeah, from the lab.' he gulps a breath. 'i got excited.'

it's fucking awesome that diego, your favorite grad student, is coming on this expedition, but it's becoming a huge pain in the ass to plan — you try your hardest not to feel guilty about why, but it is mostly because of you — and is starting to feel more and more impossible by the day. you don't want to get your hopes up: you don't have that much funding, and it's starting to seem a little bit impossible logistically, even with dr. superion's help. but you'll humor him: 'so who are we taking with us?'

he waits a breath, practically bursting at the seams. 'beatrice zhang.'

'the photographer?'

'she's an experienced climber! you follow her on instagram, right?'

you have gratuitously followed beatrice zhang on instagram for the last four years — for her photography, because it is some of the most beautiful and thoughtful you've ever seen, regardless of the subject matter, but also for the occasional photo of herself, surfing or climbing or behind the camera, particularly delightful if it features her arms in a tank — but diego doesn't need to know that part. 'yes, her work is wonderful for lots of conservationist efforts.' diplomatic, you think, mentally patting yourself on the back.

'and she's hot.'

'i didn't say that.'

diego rolls his eyes.

'anyway, how would we even get her to come with us?'

diego grins. 'i emailed her.'

'what?'

he takes out his phone and shows you her instagram, which, indeed, does have an ‘email’ button, which, obviously, you've never paid attention to before. 'she hasn't responded yet, or her team or whatever, i guess, but i only sent it ten minutes ago. and it went to a legit address and hasn't bounced back, so, i just figured, why not?'

even though, last year, you had had a successful time in guyana, finding and recording a few new species, there are a lot of why not's, really: your GA probably shouldn’t be making these choices without consulting you first, but you don’t really care about that so much as your mobility is more limited than ever lately. the weather probably won't hold so who the fuck knows if it'll even be possible to reach to spot at all. and, plus, it's for a frog. one tiny frog, that may or may not exist — (you're sure it does) — in the middle of a jungle on the top of a tepui that's never been climbed. it's... a little crazy, when you think through it now, way crazier than it had seemed when you wrote the grant for funding last year. most people, even world renowned war-turned-wildlife photographers with insane biceps — especially them, probably — aren't interested in a project like this.

'well, the least that will happen is she doesn't respond,' you figure; you don't believe in any religion and life had dealt you quite the shitty hand for a long time, so if there's any balancing it out, maybe this will be a strike in the good column for you. so, 'yeah, you're right. why not?'

/

it's two days later when your phone vibrates about seven times; you roll over in... some girl's bed? okay, solid night, then, and when you look over at her, she's beautiful and fast asleep. you remember your fifth shot of tequila and vaguely how great riding her dick had been; you find your phone graciously plugged into a charger on the nightstand on your side of the bed, and when you go to the bathroom you see condoms in the small trash can — so, all in all, a success. your back is sore but not terrible and you groan when you see it's only six am, but there's texts from diego and you have a policy not to ignore those, no matter how stupid they occasionally can be.

these are unequivocally not stupid, though, because they start with dr. silva! and then ava!!!!! ava! and devolve into some emojis and then omg oh my god and finally check your email, which is really the only helpful part of that — but they're not stupid because when you do check your email, you see a forwarded message from diego first. it's a cordial reply to the email he had sent to beatrice zhang, from her, it seems, asking politely to be put in touch with the lead biologist on the expedition if possible. which, you remember with the tiniest bit of a happy jolt, is you. you open the newest email, which is, in fact, connecting you and beatrice. she’s already responded, and it’s kind of wild because, from the three short sentences asking if you could set up a video chat to talk more about the expedition or, if she happened to be close to where you were in the world, even meet near your office or lab for coffee, she sounds, well, at least interested. you don't think someone like her — someone who has photographed war, and famine, and wildfires, and, miraculously last year, a snow leopard and her cub — would even respond to something she didn't care at all about.

holy shit, you text diego. you need a cup of coffee, or, like, maybe three cups of coffee, and a breakfast sandwich before you can respond to that email, so you decide to get a move on. plus, it feels unhinged to respond to it from your phone, so you need to go home anyway. you should also maybe definitely shower, you think, as you look at yourself in the mirror: your makeup is a little smudged and your hair is an unrepentant mess. still hot though, you think when you quietly find your clothes and put your bra on, a deep teal that makes your boobs look awesome. thankfully, you were just in high-waisted, loose jeans and a cropped sweater last night, so after you wash your face and get dressed, it's not really giving walk of shame — walk of pride, thank you very much.

you google maps where you are and, thankfully, it's a nice enough morning and a short enough distance that you can walk to your favorite cafe and then to your apartment without having to call an uber. you grab your cane from where you'd left it propped up by the wall near the bed, and then, because you're definitely not an asshole, gently shake your, well, one night stand's shoulder. her eyes are green, and you do remember that much.

'i gotta go do some work, sorry.'

she nods. 'right. doctor.'

well, maybe you're a little bit of an asshole, but it's not your fault that people think you're a very important neurosurgeon or something. you are very important in cataloguing biodiversity, so you just roll with it. 'thanks for a great time.'

she nods with a soft smile, and it's nice to kiss her, gently, goodbye.

/

'wait, you're meeting with her? here?'

'yes,' you say, mostly annoyed at camila's vaguely unhinged energy. 'she's close by train, so it's better to meet in person.'

'oh my god,' camila says. she's one of your best friends and probably the smartest, most tech-savvy person you know. when you figured out how helpful it would be to have someone operate drones for you on this expedition, you hadn't even bothered to ask anyone else.

'don't you know her?'

'well, sure,' camila confirms. 'i did some drone work for her a few months ago in the bahamas when she was photographing sharks. but, like, she's amazing, ava.'

'well, hopefully she'll say yes.'

'you'll have to charm her.'

'i'm very good at charming hot women.'

camila rolls her eyes.

'i'm also very good at charming people to go find frogs with me.'

she waits for a beat and then relents. 'well, i suppose that's true.'

'come on,' you say, 'help me make a slide deck. i feel like she'd think that's sexy or something.'

'you're ridiculous.'

'it'll work, i'm telling you.'

/

beatrice zhang in soft wool pants and closed-toed birkenstocks and a crewneck sweater sitting ramrod straight at the decent cafe just off campus near your office is, quite honestly, not a sight you'd ever expected to see, but it is kind of a miracle. or, at least that's what it had felt like, when she had emailed that she was, actually, a few hours away by train and wouldn't mind a day trip to meet in person. you're glad that you wore your best professor outfit today, flared navy slacks that make your ass look divine, and a crisp white button up that you tucked in tight and rolled up at the sleeves, a camel peacoat and expensive loafers that dr. salvius had gotten you when you passed your dissertation two years ago. you usually wear... well, not this — you reserve this for conferences and presentations — but, if looking professional helps beatrice sign onto this project, so be it.

and, well, maybe it's not strictly professional to undo another button as you had walked to the cafe, and, like, you don't actually know if beatrice is gay or not, but you spot her and smile and wave and her eyes get big for a moment, and you’re afraid you’ve got it all wrong: you’re small and young and pretty and, sometimes, people think that disqualifies you from being smart. but then her eyes rake over you and linger, for just a moment, on your chest, so you're probably right. if this helps too, so be it.

you wave and she stands very formally; she clearly recognizes you, which makes you feel a small thrill of satisfaction. 'hey, glad you found it okay.'

'i've had much more difficult locations to navigate before, although the freshman can be a bit scary.'

it's deadpan, so it takes you a split second, but then you laugh and offer your hand. 'i'm dr. silva.' you want to roll your eyes at your title, which you normally feel quite proud of, all of a sudden. 'ava, any pronouns.'

'dr. silva,' she says anyway, and shakes your hand firmly. 'it's a pleasure. i'm beatrice, she/her.'

only after do you sit, a little sprawled, and prop your cane up on the table, does she sit too, and then looks down at the menu. 'do you recommend anything? i haven't had lunch yet.'

'well, if you're like, uh... —' falling prey to diet culture, you think, but you don't know beatrice at all, so — 'wanting a vegetable forward option, their salads and quinoa bowls are okay.'

she wrinkles her nose. you hide a smile in the collar of your coat.

'but their kimchi fried chicken sandwich is my favorite.'

'and the slaw?'

'well, i'm a fries girl.'

she smiles over the top of her menu, just slightly.

'but my friend likes the slaw, and i trust her.'

she nods and sets her menu down, her wrists resting on the edge of the table, her hands clasped. a practical smart watch, no wedding band. her full attention is on you and it makes you feel a little breathless.

you're saved from saying something incredibly dumb — you're very, very smart, and you're actually very good at flirting, but beatrice zhang is hot as hell and a certified badass and you also really want her to be, like, your colleague — when your server comes to your table. you both order, and you get the fried chicken sandwich too, even though you already ate lunch an hour ago — diego's always happy to eat your leftovers out of the fridge in the lab anyway.

you're not saved from saying something marginally dumb, though, because beatrice kindly thanks your server and hands over her menu and then looks at you again, fully focused.

'i like your hair,’ you say, instead of, well, anything else. you want to groan and slam your head down into the table, or something, because beatrice's brows knit together and she brings one hand to run through her floppy middle part, short in the back and on the sides, pushing it out of her eyes.

'oh,' she says, softly and definitely confused. 'thank you.'

you're sure you're blushing. 'sorry, i just, like, the last time you posted — you had long hair.'

it's mortifying, the moment you say it, because you can mentally calculate the last time beatrice posted a picture of herself on her instagram, and it was definitely over a year ago.

she also seems to realize this, because her confusion turns to a smug little smile that could probably eat you alive. you'd definitely let it.

'i read about the last species of frog you discovered, when the article came out.'

that was also over a year ago, and you laugh, tension releasing from your shoulders. 'so that’s how you knew what i looked like.’

‘sure.’

to be fair, the article did include a picture of you, muddy and sweaty and overjoyed, holding a tiny frog in the palm of your hand, but, ‘did you google me?’

‘i only take on projects, at this point, that i find interesting.’

‘so you think i’m interesting.’

she raises a brow, a scar that also wasn’t there over a year ago running an inch above it and then straight through, cleanly healed but not faded yet, stopping right on the top of her cheek — thankfully your brain didn't comment on that, even though it's kind of hot too. ‘i think that fact that you've already identified six new species of frog two years into an assistant professorship is interesting.’

'so that's a yes.' you grin. ‘want me to tell you about the project, then?'

she thanks your server when he brings her water and your lemonade of the day, and a coffee, and then leans forward in her seat. ‘yes,' she says. 'i do.’

you tell her about it as coherently as you can: you're sure there's a brand new species of frog — maybe more than one, if you're lucky — on the top of a land mass deep in the forest in guyana. you've secured enough funding to make it happen; bare bones, but still. you have diego and yasmine, your grad students, and michael, another assistant professor in your apartment who's helped you on expeditions before, mostly by carrying a bunch of shit. you've gotten camila — who beatrice is also very excited to work with again — to sign on to do tech work for you. dr. superion and dr. salvius are helping from here.

'so, anyway, i need you to climb the tepui.'

beatrice sits back when you're done, flicks through a few slides on your laptop that you'd handed to her with pictures of the jungle, the cliff face, the budget outlines and logistics and equipment you anticipate you'll need.

'do you know a lot about climbing?'

it's kind — to not assume that you don't; to not expect you to either. you shake your head no.

'i'm an alpinist, for the most part,' she says, 'which means that i climb, well —' she pauses.

'no need to be modest for me.'

she offers a small smile. 'i've climbed eight of the ten tallest mountains in the world.'

hot, you think, but you take a deep breath instead and say, 'that's impressive.' nailed it.

'yes, well.' she blushes. 'thank you. but this kind of climbing is traditional climbing — big wall climbing.'

'oh.' you frown. 'so, you can't do it?'

'i can,' she says, 'and i'd like to. i think i know enough of biology to be marginally helpful, and i can certainly photograph the expedition.'

your heart soars, warming your whole body, and you take a bite of your lukewarm sandwich to hide your smile.

'but i'll need a team. i'm confident that i'll be able to get up the wall, but i'm not experienced enough at this kind of climbing to lead on all of these passes.'

'we might not have the funds to pay much, if you bring on more people.'

she shakes her head. 'i have access to plenty of discretionary funds, so that shouldn't be a problem.'

'that's hot.' well, you tried.

she laughs, thank god. 'i just wanted to make sure that you and your team are okay with me bringing other people on.'

'as long as they aren't, like, shitty, you know. racist, homophobic, ableist. all that stuff.'

she nods, very seriously. 'i can assure you that, while one of my climbing partners is inclined to be an asshole, it's always done with respect toward important identities. she's more annoying than anything. and my other partner is the best person i know.'

'well, other than me, now.'

you can tell beatrice is torn between smiling and rolling her eyes; she does a bit of both. 'and, as far as logistics go, i could easily provide a helicopter to get us in as far as possible. less of a hike.'

it's impossible that beatrice didn't see your cane. 'i have adaptive equipment for myself. i can do the hike.'

but her brows knit together. 'yes, i assumed so: you're leading the expedition. i just meant, for my team at least, the fewer miles we have to bring photography and climbing gear in a jungle, the better. it's heavy, and then we have to do a major climb.'

'oh.' you bite your bottom lip. 'that makes sense. sorry, people suck sometimes.'

'i imagine so.' she looks at you very sincerely. 'i'm sorry.'

you wave her off. 'thanks. it is what it is, though.'

beatrice doesn't try to argue, although you can tell that maybe she wants to. 'anyway, whatever you think will help your team, and whatever will help mine, that falls outside of your grant funds, i can cover.'

'that's — are you sure?'

she nods. 'quite.'

'where did you get these discretionary funds?' you can't help asking.

'a bad man,' she says, leaning forward and whispering dramatically. it makes you laugh.

'ooh, did you kill him? warlord?'

'alas, no. my father, and he's already dead.'

'ah.' you snap your fingers. 'well, if another opportunity comes up, you just let me know. i have tons of lethal neurotoxins in my lab. i'm always down to... you know — murder —' you whisper — 'a billionaire. long haul ethics, you know?'

she nods very solemnly, fighting a smile. 'i'll keep that under advisement.'

you fight the urge to ask her for a drink, and you definitely stare at her mouth a little too long, but then you get it together and offer your hand. 'well, partners?'

she shakes it, hers strong and rough with callouses. the thought sends a little shiver up your spine, but you valiantly ignore it. 'partners.'

/

beatrice invites you, after a few days of emailing back and forth to create an updated budget and logistics plan, to meet at a climbing gym. it's to meet her other two team members first. before you all get together with your main crew for dinner afterward. she'd given you their names, headshots, and very formal bios, which you had kind of loved: lilith, who, according to beatrice's bio, will be the lead climber. when you google her, you find out that she's, like, a world champion big wall climber, so that bodes well. and then mary, another photographer and world class marksman — I know this isn't particularly relevant, beatrice had included as a footnote, but it is quite impressive — and avid climber too.

you're hopeful about it all, and you're hopeful that tonight maybe she just wants to see you alone, and to have you watch her climb. there's, like, a two percent chance you'll physically be able to climb, really, but that's fine. she'd texted you about it, far less formal than her perfectly punctuated emails, so that's a good sign. and she'd posted a recent picture someone took of her — a candid, petting the trunk of an elephant peacefully — on her instagram too. maybe that was scheduled — beatrice seems like the kind of person who would schedule instagram posts — but a girl can hope, you know? you liked it one hour and fourteen minutes after she posted, from the lab's social media account and not your personal one, so you figure you've handled this all perfectly. you're great, beatrice is a colleague, and you've got this.

you're stressed about what to wear to a climbing gym and then to get dinner afterward, although there's probably a locker room or something, but it's fine. you're hot in anything. (or nothing. not that the night is going to go there.) you settle on tight leggings you wear to the gym and a sports bra, a cropped jacket on over. it's, like, cute and femme, but also practical. you brush on some mascara and put part of your hair into a little bun so it won't fall into your eyes, and you pack a spare change of clothes in a canvas tote — slacks and a nice bra and a t-shirt that hugs your body perfectly along with a pair of platform converse and an army-green overshirt — in case everyone else changes before going to dinner.

you grab your cane and head out the door.

/

if you fall to your death, it's definitely not going to be because of your back or legs. it's going to be because beatrice is in loose pants that seem comfortable for climbing and a tight racerback tank, and when you walk in, she's hanging by one arm on a short wall, just chilling out there, before she seems to decide what she wants to do. she brings her legs up to find footholds and then she's almost upside down, holding onto the wall with both hands calmly and moving so fluidly — a leg stretching out, her chalked fingers grasping onto a tiny hold. there's a delicate tattoo along her right forearm, all linework, and there are scars all over her left shoulder, running down to her elbow from what you can see: some are jagged and some are clean, neat, like surgical incisions. they don't seem to be limiting her progress at all, because she moves over the outhanging ledge easily and then to the top before just letting go and calmly rolling to her feet after she lands without a sound.

the — very hot — woman, lilith, you know from the headshot, sitting on the floor next to the wall, legs outstretched, leaning back on her palms set flat on the ground behind, and looking impossibly graceful while doing it, groans.

'getting stuck that long on a soft V8? come on, beatrice.'

beatrice, to her credit, just shrugs.

'shoulder?' the other woman asks.

'it's fine,' beatrice says. 'just getting back into the groove of your tiny walls.'

'oh, ha ha.'

'8091 meters will really change your perspective. you should try it sometime.'

'no thanks, i'll stick to my world records, thank you very much.'

they seem like they might physically fight, but then they both start laughing. weird, but you fuck with it.

beatrice turns, her hands on her hips, and, like, whew, god fucking bless, and then waves with a smile when she sees you. she walks over. 'hello ava.'

'hey,' you say, suddenly feeling a little awkward: you have not a single idea what you're doing. 'that was pretty impressive.'

'it was not,' the lilith says.

beatrice heads toward her anyway, and you follow. 'you can ignore her most of the time,' she says. 'dr. silva, this is lilith. lilith, dr. silva.'

'just ava.' you look at beatrice with a raised brow. 'please.'

lilith lazily salutes. 'ava, then. our illustrious leader, i hear. beatrice is making me lead a 1000 foot first ascent for a frog?'

'i'm not making you do anything,' beatrice says, and lilith grumbles like a teenager. it's funny, and you decide that you like her then and there, even if she scares you a little. she scares you a little more when she gracefully gets to her feet. she's tall and imposing, with a sharp face and long hair braided back, more wiry than beatrice's bigger muscles, but — you're sure — just as strong.

she offers her hand, which you shake. 'in my defense,' you say, 'it is a very cool frog. we can even name it after you, if you want.'

this seems to amuse her, because there's a hint of a smile on her face.  'i do like first ascents anyway.'

'see,' you say, 'that's the spirit.'

'ava,' beatrice says, 'no pressure, but i thought you might find it fun to try climbing. only if you'd like.'

'i'm, uh —' you gesture a little clumsily with your cane, the tips of your ears turning red. 'not sure that i can?'

'mary is an adaptive climbing instructor,' beatrice says, gesturing over to the taller wall with ropes connected through pulleys at the top, where a strong Black woman with perfectly neat braids and a dark outfit on is sorting through a few harnesses on the ground. 'but if you'd rather not climb, lilith and i are just finishing up. we can show you a few things we've been practicing in anticipation for the route, and then change and go to dinner.'

beatrice doesn't say either choice with any more or less merit, or worth, or importance: they're choices, and they're yours, and they won't affect how much she trusts you or believes in the expedition. lilith is checking her phone, uninterested at this point, and you decide, as you always have, to try.

'yeah, sure. i have no idea what adaptive climbing is, though.'

beatrice smiles and lilith stays on her phone, texting. 'that's fine. i have no idea about ninety percent of what you study.'

'i find that hard to believe. you're a wildlife photographer.'

she hums, softly touching your elbow and then walking toward mary. 'conservationist photography, sure. but i'm not a biologist.'

you make a note that beatrice doesn't really like wildlife photographer as a job title, although she was polite enough to not outright tell you so. 'well, i'm not a climber, so, quid pro quo?'

'ah, but you will be after tonight,' mary says, standing with a smile and offering her hand. 'dr. silva, right?'

'just ava,' you tell her, endeared by the fact that beatrice had probably been very formally saying dr. silva to her team this entire time. you shake mary's hand as firmly as you can and feel immediately a little more relaxed with the confident, easy way she holds her shoulders, her kind smile, her bright eyes.

'beatrice and i go way back,' she says. 'this project of yours sounds amazing. i was excited when she asked if i wanted in.'

'of course i'd ask,' beatrice says, bumping mary in the shoulder, who rolls her eyes fondly.

'well, beatrice said you were promised an adaptive climbing lesson.'

'if you're still in,' beatrice says, 'mary can show you the ropes.' she laughs at herself. 'literally.'

mary groans, but you're delighted. 'well, don't leave me hanging.'

'no. not another bad pun aficionado. please.'

beatrice grins and you sling an arm over her slightly sweaty and delightfully strong shoulders. she stiffens a little, and mary looks to her for a moment, and you're worried you've overstepped, and fast. but then beatrice relaxes.

you step back and gesture between the two of you happily. 'is this our thing now?'

'if trading terrible puns is wrong, then i don't want to be right.'

mary groans. 'not sure why i agreed to this trip after all.'

'we can name a frog after you, if you want,' you offer.

mary perks up. 'really?'

'yeah,' you say, 'sure. i've already named one after myself and given five others the dumbest, gayest names i could think of.'

'i'm back in, then.'

you laugh. 'well, let's rock and try not to roll.'

mary sighs, but beatrice's muffled laugh into your shoulder is way worth it.

/

Hi Ava, I'll be in town today to get some equipment squared away. I was wondering if maybe you'd like to have dinner if you're free. No shop talk, unless you want

you read and reread the text. you'd gone over shitty — expected, but still shitty — test results from an mri at your neurologist's earlier today, and, even though your team seemed to gel the other night, and all of your logistics are much less daunting now that beatrice has covered some of them financially, you had planned to stay home in your favorite boxers and most comfortable hoodie and wallow with a mediocre bottle of wine and good pizza and great reality tv.

but — hey, that sounds sweet. any places in mind?

beatrice texts back almost immediately. I don't know the area too well. You can pick, if you'd like

like, you're colleagues. you're about to be in one of the most remote parts of the world together in five days, with just a handful of other people, for weeks, maybe longer. you're the leader of the expedition but beatrice is, in important ways, a leader too. she's smart and beautiful and handsome and focused. if it's a date, incredible; if it's not, you still want to know her, you still want to spend time in her gentle warmth.

any food allergies/hatred?

she responds, No, I'm pretty adventurous

still, no clarity, but you set a place and time — one of your favorite tapas restaurants with a great little bar and, if it gets late enough, a good dance floor — and then set about getting ready. you eat a banana and take ibuprofen, which hopefully will help you be able to dance without much pain, and then get as pretty as you deem not desperate for a normal dinner with a colleague to be. which, it's you, so you're still very, very pretty, including one of your very best cleavage tanks. you finish your eyeliner perfectly and blow yourself a little kiss in the mirror. for good luck, or whatever. it's science.

/

'i got tired of it,' beatrice says. 'war photography is...' she pauses, and shakes her head, like she doesn't quite know what to tell you. you're totally sure she's not telling the truth, not really, but you know not to push, to spook her away. 'i could leave,' she settles on. 'as much as i hate the west, as much as i hate american and european, especially british, foreign policy, and its destruction of the world — i got to take pictures, and leave. at first, i thought it was something important i could do, to record the truth. political inherently, anti-imperialist, without being in politics. but, i was in occupied palestine, and, then, after —' she clears her throat, brings her fingers up to ghost over the scar through her brow — 'after. i couldn't do it. they're wars because of my history — our collective history — but they weren't my wars. they aren’t my wars. i can’t photograph them, at least right now. because i got to leave.'

you're horrified that she might start to cry — which isn't horrifying, not at all, you cry all the time, but you're supposed to be having a nice meal with your colleague and you had asked what you thought was an innocuous question about how she got into her more recent conservationist work, but clearly, not innocuous. you're starting to think, with a kind of clarity you very rarely have about anyone, that nothing about beatrice herself is innocuous. even her collarless button down and loose pants cuffed at the ankles — and the way all of her clothes, ever practical, drape with a tailored casualness on her small, strong frame — her easy hair that’s always actually perfectly trimmed and styled, the pattern of callouses on her hands: everything about her is intentioned. she means what she says. she means what she does. she means who she is.

'i started studying frogs with my mom,' you offer. it's true, and you mean who you are too.

she takes a sip of her water and nods in what you can tell is a quiet relief.

'my family is from manaus. my mom wasn't a scientist or anything, she was a bank teller, but when i was little, we'd go out often. she loved the rainforest, so, you know, i loved the rainforest.'

beatrice smiles gently. 'that sounds beautiful.'

you stare down at a croqueta and tear a small piece of it off, let the old ache fill your chest. 'she died, when i was seven.'

'oh,' beatrice says, 'i —'

'— it was a long time ago,' you say.

'sometimes that doesn't make it hurt any less.'

it's permission, to feel how you need to. most people accept when you tell them that and move on in relief, unwilling or unable to give you the space. but beatrice sits steadily. 'i broke my back, during the car accident we were in; we were visiting spain and, well. i had to relearn to walk. it took a really long time, and the orphanage i grew up in wasn't big on good physical therapy or really any care, so i taught myself what i could outside of school, got into university, got good medical care for the first time, like, ever. and i started studying biology. i went back to the rainforest as soon as i could, as a research assistant, and guyana was ... it's mind-blowing, bea.'

she weighs it all in contemplative silence for a moment, trying to decide what you need; what relief she can give. ‘i can't wait to see. i've always wanted to go.'

it is relief, what you feel, to be so immediately seen and understood. 'well, it's not just anyone i'd want to bring to the rainforest. my mom's favorites were always frogs, so —' you shrug, suddenly a little at a loss.

'so here we are, about to go find another.'

you pop the croqueta into your mouth, feel the dull pain in your chest dissipate when you realize you're close enough to beatrice's face to see her freckles. 'i have spinal stenosis, from the accident. it's progressing pretty fast, even with the best medical team, tech, surgeries, all that.'

she nods, like she understands what you mean without making you have to say it. it's a gift, bigger than she probably knows.

'i really want to find that fucking frog.'

'well,' she says, and lifts her glass, 'to finding our frog.'

'you know, it's bad luck to toast with water.'

she frowns. 'i don't usually drink.'

'you're very... controlled.'

she waits a beat and then grins. 'okay, one beer.'

'fuck yeah!'

'one, ava.'

'mhm. whatever you say, bea.'

/

'i have to take the train back,' beatrice argues — or, at least, tries to argue, because her eyes drift down to your boobs when you take your sweater off. success.

'you can just stay at my place. i have a mediocre ikea couch.'

'i can't let you sleep on your own couch.'

you laugh. 'oh, you definitely get the couch. i need all the good mattress support i can get before i sleep in a tent for a month.'

she smiles, gently and a little sad, but then the moment passes, a kind of grace. 'fine.'

'really?'

the set of her shoulders is looser but still sure, still so, so certain. 'yes.'

'hell yeah!' she laughs. 'shots?'

beatrice pulls a face but you order lemon drops anyway, mostly because vodka seems neutral and they're a good shot for people who don't drink often, sweet and tangy and fun. beatrice sniffs hers first — bold move, big mistake most of the time — but then nods in approval.

'to our frog,' you say, and she clinks her glass with yours. you touch it to the bartop and she follows suit, and then take it as smoothly as you can. it's an easy drink, so you don't have any problems, and she swallows without too much of a grimace. 'okay?'

'it's not bad,' she says, and your whole body hums, probably because of the two margaritas you had with dinner and this shot now, but also because there are freckles stretching across her cheeks and gold flecks in her brown eyes and if you let yourself look closely a tiny split on her lip, probably from the dry, cool air recently.

you shake yourself out of... whatever that was, and you order two more shots; she takes hers without hesitation this time, laughing when you spill a little down your cheek. she reaches a hand and wipes with her strong hand, tender, over the corner of your mouth, down to your jaw, and then clears her throat, takes her hand back quickly, although you want to ask for her to stay. but instead, 'come on, bea,' you say, 'let's dance!'

she only groans in a show of protest for posterity, you're sure, because she's very strong and you're very small and when you tug on her wrists she follows you easily.

you love to dance; you have always loved to dance: what little you remember of your mom is full of green, the rainforest and the wall of your living room. she would push back all the furniture to the edges, just the two of you in a small apartment, where you slept in the same bed and ate fruit from the trees outside. she would put on britney spears and jump around with you; she would put on stevie nicks and hold you in her arms, swaying around. she was full of light, from what you remember, always ready to read to you, in portugese and in english; to help you with your math and your handwriting. she cut your food for you and bought you new shoes when yours wore through the soles. she had been a good mom in the way good moms are: happy to hold your hand, to rub her nose against yours, to let you eat the batter off the spoon. you don't remember much, not before the accident, but it had been easy, and beautiful — the mist and orchids and green, all around.

beatrice is a little stiff until you start jumping around, fully out of time with the music, just to make her laugh. and she does, a smile lighting up her whole face. her body is graceful like this too, like it's always somehow known exactly how to move. you wonder, fleetingly between songs, what she was like as a child, if she was as sure and smart and kind as she is now. someone crowds into her space from behind and then you're not thinking of anything other than the tickle of her hair against your cheek as she presses into you, the lilt of her laugh into your ear, the hard muscles of her shoulders and the soft, small swell of her hips when you bring your palms to rest there. you're drunk and she's beautiful, and you've kissed lots of beautiful people when you've been drunk. but she closes her eyes and sways to the beat and it's like the rest of the world falls away. it's like there's only you and beatrice and the cloud forest, above anything else that has harmed and will harm again. there's her gold skin and scars and tattoos hidden under her shirt, the healed slices down your spine, the air between your bodies: sweaty, sticky with spilled drinks, thumping bass, everyone else in this bar. there's only the two of you, and it's a little like you've been punched in the gut: you're falling in love with her. it's easy, right now, to put a name to it all, when you can look at her jaw without reproach.

she opens her eyes and looks at you, a smile on her face, and leans in your direction. it's easy, to bring your hand to touch where you had been staring, to say, 'bea,' as she laughs into your neck, says, 'this is so fun, thank you.' it's hard to not kiss her, but she's ... extraordinary, and you don't want your first kiss to be in the middle of a mid-at-best dance floor after a few shots. you want it to be somewhere beautiful. somewhere you already know; somewhere you're certain she'll love.

'let's go home,' you say, because you had done another round somewhere between songs and she's slightly unsteady on her feet. she nods into your neck and you take her hand.

/

you walk back to your apartment with her, one arm looped through hers — 'very gallant,' you'd said when she'd offered, and even in the dim light from the moon and streetlamps you had seen her blush — and your other hand using your cane. she had found it for you, tucked behind where you had been sitting at the bar; she hadn't asked anything about why you didn't use it when you were dancing, or why you need it now. you know so many good people and you organize a lot with some of your other friends who work with the disability center at the university, but there is some kind of a revelation about being seen so wholly.

but maybe you're also just a little drunk, because she sways a bit as you walk and her accent is lilting, tender, her hair messy in her eyes. it's probably as soft as it looks; you had lost your hair tie somewhere between shots two and three and you tuck yours behind your ear. you have so many questions you want to ask her but you hold them in because she looks up at the moon and the stars and it's enough, to be here with her. to know her laugh, now, and the way she has hurt too.

it's enough to just walk.

/

it hadn't actually taken too much convincing — after you unlocked the door and gave her some choices in pajamas, soft sleep shorts and a big cotton crew her eventual choices, and gotten her a glass of water and a few cheddar crackers — to get her to agree to sleep in your bed with you. perhaps it had been because your couch is ... an unknown number of years old — 'listen, bea, phd students make, like, no money, and it was twenty bucks on craigslist three years go' — or maybe, maybe, it's because she just wants to.

you settle in first, listen to her brush her teeth with a spare toothbrush you'd given her, and wash her face with your facewash — that she had frowned at, accidentally rude but pretty funny and, like, fair, you got it from the drug store on the corner and you're sure she has a whole understated fancy little routine when she's not out in the field — and then wash her hands after going to the bathroom. you love sex, so you sleep with people often. you've had a boyfriend before, that you cared about deeply, so there's some parts of intimacy that are familiar to you, of course. but this, beatrice carefully climbing into bed next to you, with her freckles and her eyelashes and the pink of her lips, is different: you're not going to kiss her, not right now. you're not going to reach out and put your palm on her jaw like you want to, or feel the warm skin of her ribs, the goosebumps that would inevitably rise there if you raked your nails across the ridges. you're not going to because, you know, somewhere elemental in you, that you want to know her, and love her, for a long time. you want to take her to the rainforest.

'where's your favorite place in the world?' you ask instead, whisper it into the dark, the soft outline of her face.

she's turned toward you, her hands tucked carefully under her chin; it makes her look younger. 'tibet. the himalayas.'

'makes sense. you and your big mountains.'

'what's the last mountain you... summited?'

'annapurna. it's the tenth tallest in the world.' she pauses, considering. 'are we playing twenty questions?'

her eyelids are drooping. 'i don't think you're going to be awake for twenty questions.'

she laughs softly. 'i want to ask you one, though.'

'hmm. sure. two to four questions, then.'

'do you... uh, well, okay. do you like women?'

it's so awkward, so out of place for someone so sure, that you have to fight the urge to burst out in laughter. but it's also soft, and nervous, her eyes wide. it makes you feel sixteen again, full of possibility. 'yeah, bea. i'm bi. i love women.'

she nods, tucks her hands even tighter under her chin, lets a big relieved breath out. 'cool.'

'yeah?'

'mhm. i'm a lesbian, if you didn't know.'

you want to say you're the gayest looking person i've ever met but you refrain. for the romance of it all. 'good to know.'

she tries hard to wink and fails miserably. you let yourself, just once, just for a moment, reach out and run your hand through her hair. she leans into your touch, relaxes under it, before you fold yourself back onto your side of the bed. 'you have one more question.'

'so do you.'

'okay. hmm. favorite ice cream flavor?'

she laughs. 'that's what you want to know.'

you nod. 'it's very important information.'

'okay.' she thinks hard about it, genuinely. 'mint chocolate chip?'

'that's so boring, jeez.'

'oh, i'm sorry. simple combinations of dynamic tastes is probably too sophisticated for you to understand.'

'okay, ratatouille.'

she tries, a valiant effort, to not crack a smile, but she eventually does. 'okay, my turn. favorite color?'

you let your eyes fall closed and imagine it all, the sharp thorns and the torrential rain and the chirp of the neon blue frog you'd found last time. you think about taking her there. 'green, of course,' you tell her, a promise, a future in the clouds. 'green.'