#and then find ppl to test it
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im getting ready to start the database setup 🫡
#this is like a drafting thing u do before actually making the tables so u dont get confused#the stuff in grey im not gonna worry about for now#but later on might need it#if i ever try to figure out the whole dress up situation#for now#i wanna just get a first usuable version of the site up (hopefully without spending money)#and then find ppl to test it#its gonna be very barebones at first but this like a project im just doing longterm#like the comic im doing#so no worries#also why i need to keep costs to zero as long as possible lol#but yea i have other stuff i wanna do outside just collecting#like if i could figure out how to have short vn moments with the different bfs that would be sick!#i wanna do so many romantic things 😭#tho this is just me spouting off things#lots of ideas but one person so we will see#web development
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I think the key component to my personal reading of post-Delphi Pharma is that he's trying to be a horrible person on purpose. Not "on purpose" in the way that people have free will to exercise their own choices, but in that Pharma's "mad doctor" persona is a performance he puts on to deliberately embrace how much everyone else hates him. Basically, if people already think you're a "bad Autobot" and a horrible doctor who just kills his patients for fun, why try to prove otherwise to people who have already made up their minds about you? Just fully embrace the fact that people see you as an asshole. Don't try to change their minds. Don't plead for their forgiveness or understanding. Just stop caring. If you're going to be remembered as a monster, you might as well be a memorable monster, and eke as much pleasure and hedonism as you can out of it before karma catches up to you and you inevitably crash and burn.
I mean, I guess you could just go the route of "Oh, Pharma was always a fucked up creepy guy and Delphi was just him taking the mask off," but I really don't like that interpretation because, for one, it feels really wrong to take a character like Pharma becoming evil under duress and going, "Oh well clearly he did the things he did because he was evil all along," as if somehow Pharma breaking under blackmail/torture/threat of horrible death was a sign of him having poor moral character. As opposed to, you know, suffering under the very real threat of horrible death for himself and everyone he cares about while being manipulated by a guy who specializes in psychological torture.
The second reason is that it just doesn't make sense to write Pharma as having been evil all along. I mean...
Occam's Razor says that the best argument is the one with the simplest explanation. Doesn't it make way more sense to take Pharma's appearances in flashbacks, his friendship with Ratchet, his stunning medical accomplishments, and the few we see of him speaking kindly/sympathetically (or in the least charitable interpretation, at least professionally) towards his patients and conclude "This guy was just a normal person, if exceptionally talented." Taking all of these flashback appearances at face value and assuming Pharma was being genuine/honest is a way simpler and more logical explanation than trying to argue that Pharma for the past 4 million years was just faking being a good doctor/person. I mean, it's possible within the realm of headcanon, but the fact is Pharma's appearances in the story are so brief that there simply wasn't room in the story for there to be some sort of secret conspiracy/hidden manipulation behind why Pharma acted the way he did in the past.
I just can't help but look at things like Pharma's friendship with Ratchet (himself a good person and usually a fine judge of character) and the fact that even post-Delphi, pretty much every single mention of Pharma comes with some mention of "He was a good doctor for most of his life" or "He was making major headways in research [before he started killing patients]" which implies that even the Autobots themselves see Pharma's villainy as a recent turn in his life compared to how for "most of his life" he "used to be" a good doctor.
And although Pharma doesn't know this, we as the readers (and even other characters like Rung) know about Aequitas technology and the fact that it actually works, so... if Pharma really was an unrepentant murderer, why couldn't he get through the forcefield too? The Aequitas forcefield doesn't require that a person be completely morally pure and free of wrongdoing or else how could Tyrest get through, just that they feel a sense of inner peace and lack feelings of guilt. Pharma has murdered and tortured people by this point, and put on quite a campy and theatrical show of how much he sees it as a fun game, so why then can he not get through?
It circles back to my headcanon at the start of this post that the "mad doctor" persona is just that-- a persona. Delphi/post-Delphi Pharma's laughing madman personality is just so far removed from every flashback we saw of him and everything we can infer based on how other people see/saw him before that, to me, the mad doctor act is (at least in large part, if not fully) a persona that Pharma puts on to put his villainy in the forefront.
To avoid an overly simplistic/ableist take, I don't think Tarn tortured Pharma into turning crazy. To me, it's more like the constant pressure of death by horrific torture, the feeling of martyrdom as Pharma kept secret that he was the only one standing between Delphi and annihilation, the physical isolation of Messatine as well as the emotional separation from Ratchet, being forced to violate his medical oaths (pretty much the only thing Pharma's entire life has been about), etc. All of that combined traumatized Pharma to the point that the only way he could avoid cracking was to just stop caring about all of it. Because at least then, even if he's still murdering patients to save Delphi from a group of sadistic freaks, Pharma doesn't have to feel guilty and sick about doing it. As opposed to the alternatives, which were probably either going off the deep end and killing himself to escape, or confessing to what he did and getting jailed for it.
In that light, Pharma becoming a mad doctor makes sense. It avoids the bad writing tropes of "oh this character who was good his entire life was actually just evil and really good at hiding it" as well as "oh he got tortured and went crazy that's why he's so random and silly and killing people, he's crazy" and instead frames Pharma's evil as something he was forced into, to the point where in order to avoid a full psychological breakdown and keep defending Delphi, he just had to stop caring about the sanctity of life or about what other people might think of him.
Then, of course, the actual Delphi episode happens, and Pharma's own lifelong best friend Ratchet basically spits in his face and sees him as nothing more than a crazy murderer who went rogue from being a good Autobot. Then Pharma gets his hands cut off and left to die on Messatine. At that point, Pharma has not only been mentally/emotionally broken into losing his feelings of compassion, he's received the message loud and clear: He is alone. Everyone hates him. Not even his own best friend likes him any more. No one even cared enough about him to check if he actually died or not. He will only ever be remembered as a doctor who went insane and killed his patients.
So in the light of 1. Having all of your redeeming qualities be squeezed out of you one by one for the sake of survival and 2. Having your reputation and all of your positive relationships be destroyed and 3. People only know/care about you as "that doctor who became evil and killed his patients" rather than the millions of years of good service that came before.
What else is there to do but internalize the fact that you'll forever be seen as a monster and a freak, and embrace it? People already see you as a murderer for that blackmail deal you did, so why not become an actual murderer and just start killing people on a whim? People already see you as an irredeemable monster who puts a stain on the Autobot name, so why beg for their forgiveness when you could just shun them back? You've already become a murderer, a traitor, and a horrible doctor, so what's a few more evil acts added to the pile? It's not like anyone will ever forgive you or love you ever again.
Why care? Why try to hold on to your principles of compassion, kindness, medical ethics, when an entire lifetime of being a good person did nothing to save you from blackmail and then abandonment? Why put yourself through the emotional agony of feeling lonely, guilty, miserable, when you could just... stop caring, and not hurt any more?
#squiggposting#pharma apologism#i'm sure the doylist reason for the writing is just that pharma was a designated villain#so since he's a villain and 'crazy' it's fine for everyone even the good guys to treat him like complete trash#i just think from a watsonian perspective taking a sympathetic approach is way more interesting and logically consistent#what i mean is like. from a meta perspective one of the best ways to show that a character is super evil and not worth saving#is when even the good guy heroes. the ones who are supposed to be kind and compassionate and wise. see him as dirt#and this is also kind of a necessity in most plots bc TF is the kind of series that just needs action villains and long-term antagonists#so not every villain is written or has a plot to be made redeemable. and pharma is one of these bc he's not important or a legacy character#so from a doylist (meta) perspective you could read the autobots' disregard of pharma as a sign of#'this guy is not meant to have your sympathy as a reader. pay no attention to him'#but from a watsonian (in universe) perspective it paints a miserable picture of pharma being utterly forsaken by the ppl he served alongsid#and like yeah i'm super autistic about pharma so of course i view him with sympathy but like#the idea of being a loyal and good person for years only to be subjected to a Torment Nexus of#being blackmailed into breaking all of the oaths you held sacred. under threat of you and all your comrades dying horrible torturous deaths#then when your comrades find out about it they focus solely on the 'harvesting organs' and not on the 'blackmail' part#and then you get literally left for dead by your comrades and best friend hating your guts#and then you get rescued by a guy who uses you as a test subject for his evil machine#this is a fucking nightmare scenario like pharma could hardly be suffering more if the author TRIED to make him suffer#and for me it's like. the evil pharma did can't be decontextualized to what drove him to that. as well as the question of like#how easily ppl can write someone off as evil and turn a blind eye to (or even find satisfaction in) their suffering bc theyre evil#and either brought it on themselves or it's just karma paying a visit#like. i feel like if pharma WERE a shitty doctor and a terrible person his whole life then the delphi situation would feel like karma#but the way it's written and the lore retroactively put in makes it feel more pharma getting thrown in a torture carousel#and THEN becoming evil. but then being treated as if he was always evil or was some sort of bad apple#bc like i'm not opposed to LOLing when a villain gets a karmic torture/death related to the wrongs they committed#but in pharma's case it feels less like karma and more like endless torture + being abandoned by ppl who should have been more loyal
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how to stop getting fomo?
I just remind myself that w 90% of the social functions I go to, I want to go home like 20 minutes in. If you obsess over not being invited to something, it’s bc you feel it makes a statement on your self-worth—not bc you feel like you’re missing out on anything special.
Tbh I’ve also just outgrown the desire to go where I’m not celebrated. If people don’t fuck w me enough to invite me somewhere, they’ll be missing out on me too. It’s super cliche but if you know what you bring to the table, it starts becoming incredibly hard to feel like stuff like this compromises your inherent worth as a person. I have my moments bc I’m human, but I’m over it in like 20 seconds bc I can’t bring myself to truly and extensively care for people who fail to find the value in my presence. I wouldn’t want to be around them in the first place, so their making it obvious where I stand in their life saves me a lot of trouble in the long term.
You should not feel the compulsion to be around people who don’t want to be around you.
Btw if you feel like you don’t have agency in this situation—you totally do. If people don’t bother to include you, let it be a compass for how much effort and time and energy you pour into them. I think the whole “I’ll just match their energy” thing can get childish if it’s down to literally how they text you… but if someone isn’t willing to invest in you, just pivot your attention elsewhere. There are 8 billion people on this earth, and your friends’ actions aren’t in vacuum. You control how you react to them & how you delegate your time in the wake of their negligence.
You don’t need to worry and obsess and think of what you’ve missed, bc there are tons of other people out there who can give you similar—if not even better—experiences… and they won’t act like it’s a chore to do it. Losing someone doesn’t just mean losing; it means freeing up the space for someone even better. You never lack. You just transition.
#I like the phrase “invest then test” bc it’s so true#If u invest bit by bit and test someone’s reaction and they’re lukewarm ab it it’s like ok… time to pull back#Time to invest in someone else#It doesn’t make sense to obsess over ppl who don’t care for u bc u can easily find someone who does
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the next sheltie/collie breeder i see make grand claims about their dogs' eye health despite only having done DNA and not actual ophtho, I'm going to hit with a shovel
#this has got to be some sort of virus going around#this. my friends. is why breed- and kennel clubs are/were slow to recommend dna testing for disease#because it looks fancy and thorough and ppl think it makes clinical health tests obsolete when they#very much extremely does not#most DNA kits will check for CRD (component of CEA) and one or two relevant mutations connected to PRA#notably the usually-early-onset kind#but we know there are PRA versions that test clear for that mutation#and there's a whole heap of eye disorders that either should rule out a dog by default or should be avoided in combination#that you will only find by going to an opthalmologist#they loosened the requirements for the sheltie club stud list as well recently. stoppp itttt#i swear i see so much of this all over the place now and its driving me fucking insane.#clinically insane.
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fuck it. plaguesona
#i thought of this a couple weeks ago on the bus a couple seats away from someone loudly coughing into the open air#i think something snapped and i decided to make a fuckin. medieval ass plague sona. horseman of pestilence fursona#this is also why i was asking abt animals with medical symbolism.. originally i wanted a two headed snake like the staff of caduceus#but it turns out thats actually hermes symbol. the real symbol for medicine is the rod of asclepius which looks pretty similar#the difference is that theres only one snake and its twined around a stick. ironically mercy from overwatch's weapons are named after#the caduceus despite the misconception LMAOOO#snakes were the most consistent medicine related animal i could find even across multiple cultures so it couldve really worked#if i could actually draw scalies.. one of my earliest sketches had a cobra with a syringe at the end of its tail like a rattlesnake#and it had markings similar to the syringe tube but i didnt have much else going on so i scrapped it#i was also recommended animals with less obvious ties to medicine like jellyfish and horseshoe crabs and learned something new ^_^#im not confident i could pull off a non-mammal furry but they were really good ideas i might put into smth else.. i also thought of#axolotls bc of their regenerative thing and growing back limbs but i think that would suit smth like a surgeon or amputation...#possums and bats were also an option bc theyre actually really resistant to most diseases like rabies but i feel like ppl wouldnt know that#if they saw it so it looks a little ironic at a glance. rabbits rats and mice were my second option bc of animal testing and lab rats#less obvious reference but the moon rabbit in chinese mythology is loosely connected to medicine bc it makes the elixir of life#otherwise lab mice in a pharmacy / modern medicine setting seemed fitting and jerboa tails remind me of cotton buds#and. ironically. jerboas are more closely related to elephants than rats and mice. can you believe it#my art#myart#my oc#sona#plaguesona#cottonbud#fur#furry art#character design#ref sheet#oc ref sheet
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You stumble across a sha with a unique appearance. It looks like it's struggling to keep it's original form. What do you do?
#world of warcraft#anduin wrynn#warcraft#mists of pandaria#yet again another idea i want to write a fic for but i just aggghh#Okay so listen#Anduins gone missing in Pandaria yadda yadda but no one finds him at all#Researchers are trying to find a way to revert sha into the people they used to be and in doing so capture a powerful sha wondering the lan#they attract the attention of Varian who is shown their research and they perform a test with him witness on said powerful Sha#only for the test to prove successful and the Sha reverting to its original form#The missing prince Anduin#and no one fucking knew it was Anduin that was just a very lucky pick of Sha monsters#I dont remember Sha all being ppl turned by their emotions but i like that idea alot for this fic and i played ffxiv endwalker not long ago#so just people succumbing to their emotions and turned into unrecognizable monsters is like a story theme i like#so anyway what would you do if you saw this poor struggling sha
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I thought it might be interesting to share the process of making this particular piece...🥺
And yes, I do use both sides of the paper. *puts on sunglasses and flips canvas in traditional style*
#my stuff#la junk talks#yeah it's very messy#but i wanted it to be perfect ok?#also perhaps i put way too much effort and thought into it... but who cares when i just wanted to pour all the love and care into this#god you can see all the colour and material testing lmao#also which lines i wanted to use............#well anyways i love seeing how other ppl do their stuff#and i just wanted to share in case anyone might be interested#the first page is literally just about finding the right reference ksfjgvndfkjvnjkd#i needed a pose to click with#and the rest is fairly... similar...#just detail perfecting ksjdnkjdfnvk#ok i'm done bye for the night#(god now i'M itching to draw... perhaps this weekend...)#(also i want to frame this so bad but haven't got around to that yet shame on me)#(i'm done i'm done i'm really done good night everyone!)
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god tywin lannister deserved worse
just remembering elias death and i wanna puke and the way tywin talks about elia and what happened is so damn gross
but rip tommen and myrcella we all know what’s about to happen in the next book :/
the cycle of violence just keeps spinning and damn you tywin for beginning it
(i got a bit crazy in the tags 💀)
#rest in peace elia and rhaenys#i’m one of those crazy ppl who thinks jaqen h’ghar is aegon 💀#literally lost the teeny tiny amount of credibility i had#anyways i think doran’s in on it and i think rhaegar switched out asharas child for aegon paralleling the baby swap jon does#the pact made in braavos about viserys and dany marriages is a half truth half lie#and arianne being sent to faegon is simply doran testing his heir. if she messes up then whoever’s spying for doran will correct her#gerold dayne knows too much that’s why doran thinks he’s too dangerous#but this would make the dornish plot sooooo much more interesting and would show that no doran hasn’t been doing nothing#it would also automatically make the daynes more important#jaqen (aegon) was in kings landing to kill robert but got caught by varys. syrio was sent to find him. ned cleared out the black cells tho#saving aegon in the process. fun how we’re actually introduced to this character through lyanna starks mini me arya#aegon was able to kill robert with a boar tho so mission accomplished.#now he’s in old town trying to hatch his dragon egg. the stone beast taking flight in danys vision is aegon being symbolically depicted…#..as a spinx#i’m crazy delusional. but ppl who think faegon is actually aegon are even more delusional than me#plus the real aegon being alive fulfills the suns son part of quaithes warnings#i like this theory bc it makes the dorne plot more interesting and it explains whatever is going on with jaqen h’ghar cause he is sus#yes yes i know i’m delusional 💀 i just think it’d be a very interesting twist#kinda hoping no one sees this post at this point bc i know no one will take this theory well lol#i do think this theory can be supported by the text tho#and cerseis throw away line about ned stealing asharas baby would suddenly become peak foreshadowing#barristan comparign dany to ashara would also be peak foreshadowing bc ashara would take the place of gilly in this parallel and she was dis#dishonored by someone at harrenhall. likely aerys and then she turned to a stark probably brandon for comfort#tbh i think it was ashara who lied to brandon about what happened to lyanna. perhaps she was trying to mess with brandon’s wedding and#was trying to get back at rhaegar for humiliating elia at the tourney. i highly doubt it was baelish who lied to brandon cause brandon#has little reason to believe him and no reason to trust him. ashara tho? arthur daynes sister and elias lady in waiting? also his lover?#anyways varys the spider potentially stealing aegon away (if he did take a child it was the false aegon) is there to parallel the others#who ride ice spiders taking crasters sons. tbh i think it was aegon who decided he wanted to train as a faceless man so he could get revenge#on his own terms. and the sea lord of braavos at the time was in on it and helped aegon with his plans#the unveiling coming up is going to be a lot more important than arya just reclaiming her identity. yes im delusional lmao. rant over
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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)
#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper#Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed#with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi#all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement#english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS#where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to#like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect#score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol#I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret#meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you#get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized#speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea#ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different#ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one#liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate#in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since#I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small#character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility#question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju#t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually#is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so#is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i#2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have#SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and#talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem#harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically#just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl#in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for#Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol
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I find it just hilarious how my mother will go all like "how can parents of disabled people not care to understand other disabled people". While she has a child with ADHD who she payed to get formally diagnosed (by that I mean she knows), and never ever bothered to search the symptoms.
#i mean she didn't even know poor time management was a thing#but its even in the shittiest symptom list#she probably thinks I have ADD lol#actually adhd#adhd#disabilities#ableism#tw ableism#i say hilarious cause how else would I react#i feel like there are other ways#like when something bad happens I just crack up laughing#ppl look at me and think im crazy#at the end I don't even cry#I for some reason genuinely find it all funny#I had a math test these days and at the end half of class was crying. I was laughing my ass off.#they probably thought I was either mean (and smart af) or really crazy#venting
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Just realized I forgot to post these
#keese draws#oc art#oc#ocs#these guys are from the same story as the grape twins btw#root beer is their cousin and one of the four main characters#dragons beard is merlot's boyfriend and fellow antagonist#and lemon taffy is the older sibling of one of the other main characters who spends most of the story 'kidnapped'#and by kidnapped I mean the super villain polycule asked them if they could help them with some tests and they went 👍#important context! lemon taffy (and their two siblings) are the kids of three superheroes and merlot and fox grape are the kids of four#supervillains both of which are mostly absent for the main story (although the supervillains at least get to be more of side characters)#the heroes are off in space dealing with alien political drama that doesn't matter to the main plot#the two groups have a fairly casual rivalry but they still have genuine beef#merlot and fox grape were left home alone after their parents set out to work on some big project and merlot took the chance to go fuck#off and get a boyfriend to do crime with leaving fox grape desperately trying to find them and get them to come back home#and for the other side root beer was roped into helping rescue lemon taffy by their two younger siblings pop rock and jelly bean#he and pop rock are the main duo on that side with jelly bean being their guy in the chair#merlot and dragons beard are mostly antagonists to those three with fox grape and the other main guy cayenne pepper chasing after them#cayenne is dragon beards childhood friend and I have never drawn him before despite adoring him 😔#hes such a piece of shit I love him#in my old original concepts for him he was going to be an incel but then my brain went but what if. aro. and I instantly hard committed#hes a bitchy asshole who's made all the more annoying by the fact that his anxieties are low key completely justified#hes a sad wet cat abandoned in a cardboard box all alone 😔#oh yeah also worth noting that root beer is a vampire who has a strained relationship with his adoptive dads#oh and dragons beard's parents are a dragon and a royal fae so he has a lot of power that he doesnt know how to use lol#lemon taffy is like. sort of part dragon in a very distant way? their grandma was a failed revival of an old god who was a dragon who made#their dad out of her own magic which included that same magic from the dragon god who was basically made of magic#so he was also sort of part dragon but not really? idk its complicated#merlot and fox grape are miraculously not part dragon somehow despite my track record of making too many ppl dragons in this world#they are however vampires and also directly decend from a god so thats fun
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An Aphantasiac's very serious FAQ
Q: mind apple?
A: no. none apple. zero apple.
Q: can you read. book?
A: i am literate, yes.
Q: but u draw?
A: references
Q: how do you memories?
A: badly
Q: can you. rhink.
A: no ive never had a thought. not even once. not even as a joke.
Q: i cant imagine not having a 4k 360° oled display inside my brain at all time with which i can picture everything in perfect quality books are like brain movies i just cant imagine it like i totally cant imagine it i just cant conceptualize it like what would i do without my 4k 3
A: i hope you die
Q: dream?
A: yes.
Q: SEE dream?
A: yes.
Q: can you solve this?
A: im sobbing on the ground right now
this concludes my aphantasia faq. never remind ppl of this condition ever again or ill come to your house and kill you
#moogsin'#aphantasia#my spacial awareness has actually been tested before#it was ABYSMAL#like. EXTREMELY far below average#anyways yeah i just get so fucking annoyed by ppl asking dumbass questions#like just fucking google it#type your question. into google dot com. and you will find an answer#and if i have to read 'omg i just like cant imagine it' one more time? i will commit criminal acts of violence.
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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had so much fun with my "coworkers" that i forgot to panic abt having a heart attack or bleeding to death!!!!!!!
#i can do it now that im home hsjdhshdjfjd#yeah today was a good day#even tho this morning and the last few days have been so bad#im very thankful that i get to spend all my weekdays with these ppl#anyway tomorrow ill find out if i need glasses hfjhdjsf this is scary ive never been to a vision test that isnt just looking at the letters#on the wall at school#but also scared bc im like what if i just think its hard for me to read subtitles on the tv and see the whiteboard#like what if my vision is perfectly normal and im just making shit up LMAO#ugh i have a random bruise on my thigh? what
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Not a good sign of my mental state that i’m strongly considering eating in bed at 5pm after waking up at 1pm like goddamn gravity is kicking my ass today
#my stuff#i literally hate the idea of eating in bed i don’t need food in my sheets#but i need to eat and i’m comfy where i am#i’m trying really hard to take care of myself rn but i’ve definitely had my core values of warmth and kindness tested rn#like the emotional impact of finding out ppl i cherish just do not feel that way about me anymore has crushed my internal motivation#i don’t care if i accomplish anything or have fun or look cute or anything#i’ve horribly burnt myself out trying to care for another person and comfort them only to find out it was utterly useless#splattering like bugs on a windshield
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the day people will stop thinking cozmez fans are all proshippers i'm probably throwing a party and making it a international holiday or sumn
#this girl had ENOUGH#i don't even have the energy to be angry anymore... people just won't understand#everytime we find a new proshipper in the fandom the first thing ppl say is “well. it's an adult czmz fan” SHUT THE FUCK UP#today is testing my patience i swear to god#🌸 ; lyn rambles about stuff
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