#and then bitched last time I was near Seattle but never went into the city proper so didn't get ramen😔

[dirt-goth]

3, 11, 18!

Thank you sm!!

3) Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

Hard to choose but probably either LS Dunes, Creeper, or Drab Majesty❤️

11) Something you want to do again next year?

Travel and see my friends more!! I have a few exciting things lined up for spring at least and hoping to find time/money for more as well

18) A memorable meal this year?

I flew to SeaTac, thanks to delays I had to meet my friend after work so I caught a train into the city. After walking around I realized I had nothing to do for hours and there was a Ramen Danbo in Cap Hill so I, with all my luggage, walked from Pike Place up to the Cap Hill Ramen Danbo and then shoved my face with as much ramen as I could eat (2 bowls of their Vegan Rekka Ramen) and then very lazily made my way back south to my friend's house.

[purplesurveys]

1001

survey by voicedance16

Name A...

Name yourself:  I said this like, seven surveys ago. To make things different, I share my name with a bird and Rihanna’s first name. 

Name (one of) your best friend(s): Angela. Sister for life.

Name 3 things in your fridge/freezer: We have a loaf of white bread, a near-empty bottle of Japanese mayonnaise, and a tub of liver.

Name a color you're wearing currently: Pink and orange. I ended up going to the virtual Halloween party at work - went as Dora - and it was a blast. I’m SO glad impersonating our characters didn’t turn out to be mandatory; I just sat there and was happy to be there, lmao. 

Name the last thing you ate: A ham sandwich.

Name the last store you went to: Does the vet count? They sell pet food over there, so it’s kind of like a store I guess. I went last weekend because Cooper needed a heartworm test and a couple of shots.

Name the song you're listening to: Nada.

Name the artist of that song: See above.

Name your favorite animal: Dogs! Elephants are a close second.

Name what pets you have, if any: I have two dogs, an aspin and a beagle.

Name the town/state you live in: I won’t give away the city, but I will say Metro Manila is a literal stone’s throw away. I live right at the border.

Name something commonly ordered at Starbucks: Like...in general? I’m not aware of the most common food/drink ordered by other people but if I had to pick a guess, I know frappes are popular among my age group and the age group before us and that java chip is a popular flavor. But if you’re just referring to my usual, I like getting an iced caramel macchiato.

Name the last person you talked to in person: My dad. They gave us a box of Halloween donuts AND cake pops at work today :’) so I just asked my dad if he wanted a donut.

Name the last person you talked to on the phone: Mom. But my last call in general was a Zoom call with the entire company just a few minutes ago for the Halloween party.

Name the current day of the week: Today issss Wednesday.

Name the current month: October.

Name the current time: 6:55 PM.

Name the last movie you watched: I’m Thinking of Ending Things, blech. Need a happier movie to mention.

Name the last book you read: I’ve mentioned it too many times on a lot of recent surveys.

Name a place you've been on vacation: Bali.

Name a place you'd like to go on vacation: I desperately need to go back to Sagada, or at least Tagaytay. I think visitors are already allowed to go to the latter so I’m really eyeing a solo, soul-searching trip soon. As for places I’ve never been to before but would make for interesting vacations, I’d go with Chicago and Marrakesh.

Name 3 things you can see from where you're sitting: I can see an empty mug that used to contain coffee, a box of cake pops, and a purple pen.

Name your favorite musical: Miss Saigon.

Name an animal (any): The first animal that came to mind was dragonfly.

Name a fruit: Avocado, the only bitch in the house that I ever respected.

Name a vegetable: Broccoli, my favorite.

Name a common breakfast food: Where I live, beef tapa.

Name a color: Dandelion.

Name a type of flower: ...Dandelion!

Name a type of tree: Pine. Not that we have any here lol, but it’s the first kind I thought of.

Name a city: Uhh, idk. Let’s go with Seattle.

Name a state: I first thought of Wisconsin because I have a lot of family living there.

Name a country: Let’s go outside of the States and go with Sweden.

Name a continent: Asia.

Name a planet: Mars.

Name a girl's name: Clara. Such a pretty-sounding name.

Name the last person to comment you on Facebook: I haven’t had Facebook in weeks and I genuinely can’t remember from whom I received my last comment before I deactivated.

Name a clothing store/brand: Mango.

Name the last book you got at the library: It’s called History of the Filipino People, written by one of my great-uncles.

Name a restaurant: Max’s, even though their food sucks.

Name a grocery store: SM.

Name an iPhone app: Like, an Apple-exclusive app? I think Keynote is one of them.

Name an actor: Eddie Redmayne! One of my favorites.

Name an actress: Kate Winslet, my biggest crush through and through.

Name a music group: Destiny’s Child.

Name your favorite/lucky number: I don’t have a lucky number, but 4 is my favorite. I don’t have a solid reason for it to be my favorite; it just is.

Name something you've accomplished:  Graduating college from my dream school in my (then-)dream degree/course.

Name something you'd like to accomplish: Travel, and travel a lot.

Name someone who makes you laugh: Andi made me smile and chuckle a bit today, so let’s name them.

Name something exciting coming up soon: Nothing too specific, really. But I’m supposed to be receiving my internship cut any day now and it’s gonna be my first salary ever, so that’s pretty exciting :)

Name a song that makes you emotional: 26 by Paramore.

Name one of your pet peeves: People who call without texting or notifying beforehand. Holy fucking shit. A hiring manager did this exact thing to me yesterday and I rejected her call because she did not text first. I honestly have no regrets, and I wouldn’t have been bitter if she stopped pursuing me then. 

Name someone you know who is an amazing singer: Hannah, without a doubt.

Name someone who is the same religion as you: JM.

Name a holiday you celebrate: Christmas. I can hardly believe another one is coming up soon.

Name the last 4 digits of your phone number: Uh, no thanks.

Name one of your cousins: Sam.

Name a book you loved when you were younger: I used to really love the Septimus Heap series by Angie Sage and I reread the first book, Magyk, more times than I could ever count.

Name a song you loved when you were younger: Big Girls Don’t Cry - Fergie.

Name your favorite movie: Two for the Road.

Name a popular book series: The Hunger Games, even though I never actually read it.

Name a musical instrument: A song played on a solo saxophone...

Name a language: German.

Name what other tabs you have open: On this window, just Bzoink. I just closed a YouTube tab.

Name 3 things on the walls of the room you're in: Audrey Hepburn wall decors, a painting that I’m trying to cover up with post-its to turn it into something positive, and uhhh my aircon is mounted to the wall if that counts lol

Name your house number: I’m not sharing that.

Name your high school: It’s an all-girls Catholic school in my city. I’ve shared the name before but I don’t feel like doing so tonight.

Name your college, if applicable: My college was in mass communication, but I went to university in UP.

Name your middle school: See high school.

name your elementary school Again, see high school.

Name the college you wish you went to/hope to go to: UP.

Name your favorite teacher: My music teacher throughout high school. I don’t like her subject, but I love her.

Name the color of your backpack: I haven’t had to use a backpack in a while but my main one is pink.

Name a dessert: Creme brulee. I don’t memorize which letters have those accent marks and I don’t feel like looking that up right now.

Name a famous landmark: Because I can clearly read the next question, the Statue of Liberty.

Name a place you might go in NYC: I’d go straight to my uncle’s so that he can show me the good spots. He has a lot of cool friends who run their own bars/restaurants in the city so if anyone knows how to have a good time in NYC without having to go to all the big tourist places, it’s him. GOD I can’t wait to go to New York.

Name an inventor: Hedy Lamarr.

Name an article of clothing: Scarves.

Name an ice cream flavor: Mint chocolate chip, yum.

Name a religion: Buddhism.

Name an emotion: Resentment. 

Name a room in your house: My bedroom, because that’s where I’m staying in at the moment.

Name a website: Wikipedia.

Name a car: This is pretty vague. A kind of car? Hatchback. Are you looking for a make? Toyota. Or maybe a specific model? Honda Civic. I gotchu.

Name something you need to do today: SLEEP. I should not be awake at 11 PM.

Name someone you admire: Andi.

Name someone you miss: At the moment, nobody.

Name a part of the body: Elbow.

Name the last youtube video you watched: I bawled my eyes out to a video playing the audio to Ben&Ben’s Kathang Isip because that song makes so much goddamn sense and is relatable now. Can’t I just go back to a simpler time when that song was just fun to listen to and wasn’t actually relevant to my life? I hate music sometimes.

Name a quote you love: I don’t have one.

[nekojitachan]

i have no idea if you're still taking prompts, but anything andreil either in the armies universe or in the way down we go universe would be gucci and i would love you forever. my life belongs to you now

Okay, so first off, @dancyon, thanks for all the messages you’ve sent me over time, the comments about the fics and so forth. I know you’ve asked if I’d ever do another story for Way Down We Go or if Mary hadn’t died, and oddly enough, I’ve had a plot idea for a while which merged the two.

And sorry for being ‘quiet’ lately, but back to trying to figure things out - one of them being my writing, and my writing in fandom in particular. I’ve been doing it for years, and while I’ve thought of each fic being a way to improve my skills, to learn something new... I have to say, lately I just feel like nothing I’m writing is worth anything, it’s just drivel and pathetic.

So I’m trying to get motivated to write again. This is something that actually got me busy at the keyboard, so I hope @dancyon that you are at least happy, since I know it’s something you’ve waited for a long time. And if it’s the last thing I do for AFTG, then it’s fitting that it’s back to WDWG, since that was my first fic for the fandom.

That said - the fic. Consider it a ‘what if’ for WDWG - if Mary had lived but sent Neil/Nathaniel off on his own at the beginning of the fic (believing she was about to die), and everything still takes place as written in the story. Warnings for things referenced in the story, language, Mary’s bad (abusive) parenting skills, and Andrew being protective of Neil.

*******

Through A Glass Darkly

*******

Mary hissed through clenched teeth as she motioned for Abramto take the exit for San Francisco. “Get off there,” she commanded, whichearned a disbelieving look from her son. “Do it.”

“But-“

“Do it,” she repeated, “and find the nearest petrolstation. Once there, put in a few li-“ dammit, she was slipping, “ah, a fewgallons and then run.”

“Mum, what’s happening?” Abram asked as he dared to glanceaway from the dark highway in front of them to give her a scared look. “That…we’re ditching the car?”

“No, you are,” she told him. “You’re going to run,Abram, going to keep going and never stop, never look back.”

“You’re not making any sense,” he argued as he shook hishead, his left eye bruised from a lucky blow that bitch had landed backin Seattle; Mary was certain he hid more injuries beneath his clothes, but he’dgotten off with less than her so he needed to move on. “We’ll-“

“No, we won’t.” Pain made her tone more waspish than usualas she fought not to curl up in a ball, to just give in to the burning agonyeating at her insides. “That prick… he got me good,” she admitted as she heldup her bloody left hand, a sardonic smile curling her thin lips when her songasped. “No,” she repeated when Abram opened his mouth, most likely to argueabout stopping to take care of the wound. “This isn’t something we fix withbourbon and stitches, I can tell, or else we’d already be in a motel by now.”No, Nathan had finally gotten to her in the end, but she’d make sure hewouldn’t get her boy. “So you listen to me, do you understand?”

“But, Mum, we-“

“Do you understand, Abram?” She’d back it with asmack if she had the strength.

It sounded as if the boy choked back on a sob, but his eyesremained dry and he gave a curt nod in the end. “Good. Next exit, then gasstation. Put in enough gas so I can drive away,” could muddy the waters, so tospeak, however much longer she had, “and then you run,” she ordered with asmuch force as she could muster. “You run and you don’t look back, you don’tslow down and you don’t trust anyone, do you hear me?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said in a quiet voice as his hands grippedthe steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white – they were herhands, were the Hatfords’ hands with the long, slender fingers.

“You keep moving, you-“ A cough took over, filled her mouthwith blood which she spat onto the left sleeve of her shirt. “Become someoneelse,” she said once her throat was mostly clear. “Use the contacts in thebinder, get a new ID, and another one, and-“

“I know, Mum, I know. I promise. Just… just rest,” hepleaded as he took the exit a little fast.

“You’ll survive, you’re a Hatford,” she assured him as sherested her back against the seat, as she did her best to ride out the latestwave of pain. “Keep moving.”

It was quiet the next few minutes (save her laboredbreathing) until Abram found a gas station; he parked next to the farthest pumpand did his best to straighten up his appearance, then pulled on an oversizedhoodie as he went to pay for a couple gallons of gas. He returned with a bottleof water and some over the counter pain pills, which Mary choked down beforeshe forced herself into the driver’s seat while he tended to the pump.

She made him take her few belongings with him since she hadno need for them (that and the less which was found on her, the better). Hischin wavered and there was a suspicious gleam in his eyes (darkened bycontacts), but he held it together, mindful of the lessons she’d taught him, ofany possible cameras around the station.

For one improbable moment, she felt the urge to pull himclose and hug him, to not let go… but he wasn’t a child anymore, hadn’t beenone for years, and he needed to run before the prick’s people got any closer.Besides, the clock was winding down for her, what good would it do to wasteprecious moments on something so useless? “Go, and live,” she told him as shestarted the car.

He may have said something like her name or ‘Mum’, but sheslammed the door shut and was already pulling away, refusing to look back at heronly child. Teeth clenched against the pain, she drove away, determined to putas much distance between her and Abram as possible in the small amount of timeshe had left.

After that, it was fighting the agony and blood-loss to keepcontrol of the car, to remain in the lane and not attract unwanted attention.To give Abram one last fighting chance.

The last thing she remembered was seeing a sign for the exitto King City before everything went dark.

*******

She woke up to the sound of beeping and an ache in her head,to a sense of lethargy. It was so difficult to open her eyes, and there wassuch a foul taste in her mouth that she gave up and let the darkness pull herunder once again.

The next time there was still the annoying beeping noises,was still the lethargy which made it difficult to move her limbs, still theawful gumminess in her mouth. There was also some git flashing a light in herbarely open eyes, which prompted a weak moan.

“Hello? Can you hear me? Blink twice if you can.”

It took so much effort, but she did that, as well as try toswat their (was it a man?) hand away to get rid of the light. There were morewords but she didn’t understand them, not when they all blurred together, andshe fell asleep once again.

When she woke later, she was more coherent and managed tomumble out a request for water to the woman sitting next to the bed. The person(a nurse?) scrambled and held a straw to her lips (something was wrong, why waseverything so blurry, so distant?), but only let her take a couple of sips beforepulling it away. “I’m sorry, but you can’t drink too much at once.”

It took a few tries, but she (why couldn’t she rememberanything? Like her name and where she was?) managed to make hertongue, so thick and heavy in her mouth, work. “Wha… where?”

“Where? Oh.” The woman, appearing middle-aged and dressed inscrubs, her salt-and-pepper hair cut short and styled in tight curls close toher scalp and a reassuring smile on her dark-skinned face bearing only a fewwrinkles. “You’re in the Natividad Medical Center. Now let me page Dr. Carra,he’s been waiting for you to wake up again.”

What followed was more poking and prodding, with lots ofquestions and very few answers – from Dr. Carra or Beth Wilson, the nurse mostoften assigned to ‘Jane’; it eventually came out that she’d been pulled from acar wreck near King City almost a year ago, near death and with noidentification. After the local hospital had stabilized her, they’d sent her toNatividad when it became clear that she was in a coma from the blood loss andtrauma, and the staff there weren’t surprised that she’d woken up with nomemory of her past. Now they were focused on her getting better.

Oh, it wasn’t quite as simple as that, not when she’d beenfound in a stolen car, when her fingerprints were so badly damaged that theycouldn’t manage a complete enough one to search any database for her, whenshe’d been found with no ID at all, when her body was covered with scars from beforethe accident. She’d overheard a couple of nurses talk about how the police werewaiting for her to recover enough to talk to her, but Dr. Carra refused toallow them access until she showed some signs of progress.

She might not remember anything of her past, but she knewsomehow that she couldn’t let that happen, that she had to get out of therebefore the police got involved. So she faked the lack of recovery, made it seemlike her body wasn’t cooperating when it came to walking again or handlingsimple tasks… and after a few weeks (right around when Dr. Carra talked aboutsending her on to another hospital for evaluation), she timed it just right duringthe night, hit up the nurses’ locker room for a change of clothes and whatevercash she could find, and slipped out of the hospital with no one the wiser.

Perhaps she couldn’t remember her name, where she was fromand how she’d ended up in that car accident, but somehow, she knew how to sneakaround, how to steal and pick pockets, how to vanish. She put those skills touse getting the hell out of Salinas, and when the Greyhound bus stopped atArizona, her hair was dyed another color and cut into a new style.

It was a littletrickier to get into Mexico; she spent a couple of weeks picking pockets on herway from Arizona to Texas, until she had enough to bribe a truck driver tosmuggle her over the border at the Presidio Bridge. For some reason, a sense ofanxiousness left her once she was out of the country, though there was anagging feeling that she’d forgotten something, that she’d left somethingimportant behind.

Yet what could she do when she no longer remembered herpast?

It wasn’t easy, being an American woman alone in Mexico, onewithout papers at that, but Jane (as she’d taken to calling herself), realizedthat she was highly adaptable and resilient. She was also willing to dowhatever it took to not only remain alive but to stand on her own, as anyonewho tried to harm or dismiss her soon learned. Since she didn’t go out of herway to pick fights and was quick to offer solutions to deal with any ‘ruffled’feathers, she eventually was able to settle down in Monterrey as Judith Leeson,an ex-pat who worked as a bartender most nights but who also was available as atranslator for the various businesspeople who came to the city for business(legitimate or otherwise).

Whoever she’d been in the past, she appreciated the factthat she’d learned several languages, as the German, French, bit of Italian andPortuguese as well as the rapidly expanded Spanish came in very handy in hernew life.

At times, she felt the urge to move on, to start anew, butshe didn’t know what she was running from so she forced herself to remain inthe safe place she’d found for herself and to continue building up a heftysavings account while she paid attention to the customers who came into thebar, the people who hired her for her language skills, the neighbors around hersmall apartment. No detail was too tiny to ignore, and she promised herselfonce the money reached a set amount, she’d leave Mexico and start anew.

For some reason, she had a yearning to see London….

She’d spent two weeks running all over the city for someFrench prat who didn’t even like beer but was there because of the one brewingcompany, and so wasn’t in the mood to deal with customers at the moment (truthbe told, she rarely was in the mood to deal with customers). When a group ofAmericans asked Jair to switch the channel on a television from a telenovelarerun to one which gave updates on sports, she shrugged to show she didn’t carebecause it should at least keep them distracted.

For once the patrons weren’t interested in some football orbaseball recap, but that one new sport – Exy. Jane (Judith) found herselfgrowing annoyed as always whenever it was brought up, which she’d never beenable to figure out why – at least it was fast-paced, like soccer. Yet she feltanger build up inside of her whenever she heard the word ‘Exy’, whenever shesaw young people run across one of its courts, and that evening was noexception.

The commentator went on to recap what must be somecollegiate season, and her shoulders tensed and temper spiked each time thewords ‘Edgar Allan’ were brought up, enough so that Ines, one of the servers,gave her a worried look when she stopped by to pick up the drinks for hercustomers. Jane grit her teeth and forced herself to pour the shots of tequilasand beers, to make the margaritas and whatever else the guests wanted, halftempted to down a drink herself.

The one table cheered when the announcer got to the finalgame, between the Edgar Allan Ravens and the Palmetto State Foxes; all Janecared about was that it meant that the segment should soon be over. She hadjust set down a bottle of tequila when it felt like someone kicked her in thehead.

“-at this point in the game, Neil Josten switched from astriker to the backliner position. I don’t know if people are aware that heplayed as a backliner years ago when he was Nathaniel Wesninski, but obviouslyhe didn’t-“

Nathaniel Wesninski.

Nathaniel Abram Wesninski.

Abram.

Nathan Wesninski.

The Hatfords.

She was Mary Jamilyn Hatford Wesninski.

A feeling of disconnection washed over her as she stared atthe television, at the game displayed on it; a small figure in white and orangeran across a black and red court, the number ‘10’ and name ‘Josten’ across hisback, while a cropped image of his face appeared in the corner along with thebanner declaring him to be ‘Neil Josten – PSU Striker #10’.

That… that was Abram. He was a few years older thanthe last time she’d seen him, his hair color restored to a deep auburn and halffalling into his eyes – his blue eyes. There were strong echoes of Nathanin his appearance, marred by sharp cheekbones and thin eyebrows and a fullbottom lip, as well as a scar that ran across the boy’s nose and beneath hisleft eye, and another through his right eyebrow.

There was also an ‘A’ tattoo on his left cheek.

“Judith? Is everything okay?”

Mary nearly grabbed the small knife she used to cut up fruitand shoved it into Ines’ throat before she caught herself in time. “I… I’vea bad headache,” she half-lied in Spanish; her head did hurt, probably fromthe returned memories, but it was more the realization that her son was playingExy, that he’d been back at Edgar Allan of all places, right infront of the damn Moriyamas… what the hell had happened?

She was going to beat the boy black and blue once she gother hands on him. Beat him until he never dared to argue with her again, to goagainst her wishes.

Damn Exy.

It took a couple of weeks before she could leave Monterrey, finishan owed job and line up a passport which would stand up to any scrutiny as wellas find a driver with a SENTRI card who could get her out of the country (atleast she had plenty of money and contacts this time around). While she waitedfor the forger to come through, she found out that Nathan was dead, buried inthe ground (or whatever, may the prick rot in Hell) the last few years afterhe’d been killed in prison (at least Seattle had been worth something)and most of his people dead or on the run.

That Abram had somewhat listened to her, as he’d made it outof San Francisco… but eventually ended up at Palmetto State University with ascholarship to play Exy, after turning down Edgar Allan. It seemed that he’dignored her instructions to forego anything to do with the damn game andsomehow attracted the attention of the Moriyamas (according to what she couldpick up over the internet)… yet he was still alive (despite a very publicattempt on Riko Moriyama’s part to change that), and appeared to beoutside of their control.

Mary needed to reach her son, find out what was going onfrom a reliable source and get the both of them out of the country.

As soon as she crossed the border back into the States, she madeher way for one of her stashes of cash and weapons that had been left inNebraska. Even with Nathan dead, she felt as if there was a target painted onher back, now that she knew her past and had returned to the country which hadcaused her so much pain. Due to the paranoia and her lack of knowledge, she hadto waste more time backtracking and laying a false trail, ‘just in case’.

At least everything was still in the abandoned cabin in thePonca State Park, even if Mary spent the entire time hiking to it cursing inseveral languages. From there, it was driving in an old Ford sedan she boughtin Omaha to Chicago (with a few careful detours), where she could hit up an oldfamily contact for a new ID and hopefully for some of that reliableinformation.

After spending the night in a motel to clean up (and changeher hair), she set off for the French Market District to find Durand, planningto arrive soon after he opened the office. That gave her time to stop for a coffeeand a croissant at the nearby market, and she’d just finished both before sheset off to see the forger.

As soon as she walked into the man’s office, he paled andacted as if he’d seen a ghost even as he fumbled for something (a gun, mostlikely) beneath the counter. “No… this isn’t possible….”

“Yes, it is,” she assured him in French. “We firstmet almost twenty-four years ago, after I arrived in this country, at a partythat Blondel threw for Rieves. You complemented my necklace.” Which Nathanhad broke into pieces later that night in a fit of petty jealousy.

“But you’re supposed to be dead,” Durand insisted ashe set a pistol on the counter, doubts apparently put at rest. “Your son-“

“He thinks I’m dead,” Mary explained. “The last hesaw me… it wasn’t good. I barely survived and woke up without any memory untilrecently. I’m on my way to find him, after you provide me with a new IDand some information.”

“I’ll do my best,” Durand said with a slightinclination of his head after a moment’s hesitation “I’m sure he and your family,especially your brother, will be delighted to know you’re alive.”

“My brother?” Mary asked in confusion as she began to pullout a stack of money. “Which one?” Though she guessed he meant Stuart, sinceshe’d always been closer to him.

He confirmed that it was Stuart as he began to type on a laptop,then left her stunned with his next words. “He’s here in the States so it’lltake no time at all to reach him.” Durand paused to gaze at her. “Unless you’dprefer to reach out to him yourself?”

Stuart was here? Why was Stuart here? “I… yes.The Hatfords are working here now?”

Durand paused again, his expression unreadable save for aglimmer of concern in his dark eyes. “A lot has happened in the last severalyears, Mary. Nathan Wesninski is dead and his area is now run by MarcoHaywood.” Mary frowned at that then shrugged since she didn’t recognize thename. “Kengo Moriyama is dead and the organization is much stronger under thedirection of his son, Ichirou… with the Hatfords at his side instead of theButcher.”

That drew a gasp out of her – not that Ichirou had finallysucceeded his father (perhaps sooner than she’d expected) but that her familyworked for the Moriyamas. “How?”

“To repay a debt, one of a death owed, or so they thought,”Durand told her with evident pity as he turned the laptop around to face her.“Do you want to call your brother, or shall I?”

Stuart had come here because of her? The bloody fool – sowhy hadn’t he done something about Abram? Why was the boy playing Exy insteadof safe in England? “I’ll call him,” Mary gritted out as she memorized thenumber on the screen, which was different from the one back before her accidentand explained why she hadn’t been able to reach Stuart before then. “Now forthe ID. I need a driver’s license and a passport.” Once she reached Abram,she’d need a new set for him; perhaps Stuart could help her out.

Durand gave a slight nod and cited a number, which wouldburn through most of her money. Unfortunately, she didn’t see any way aroundit, not until she either hit up another stash, asked Stuart for some help or gotto Abram, who would hopefully have some money left.

It was quiet while for several minutes while Durand typed onhis laptop, until he cleared his throat. “Mary… I don’t know what all you’vebeen through, but I do know that things have changed a lot in the last fewyears. I suggest you talk to your brother and your son before you make anydecisions, the sooner the better.”

She gave him a cold look as she sat down in one of thechairs lining the opposite wall and lit up a cigarette despite the ‘no smokingsign’, and things were quiet again after that, other than when he asked her tostand so he could take her picture. While she waited for the new documents, sheused the burner phone she’d picked in Texas to search for new information onAbram.

‘Neil’ was back in the States after doing a media campaignin Japan (a fact which made her teeth grind together and her right hand ache tosmack him until he was barely conscious over daring to draw so much attentionto himself for what? Money? Adulation?), and supposed to report to the PSUcampus soon for the start of training.

The most recent pictures of the boy usually had him dressedin Exy gear and posed with Kevin Day (why wasn’t he at Edgar Allan? Did theMoriyamas own PSU as well?), but there were also ones of him in casual clothesnext to one Andrew Minyard, often with the short, impassive blond man appearingto block Abram from the photographers. Mary nearly bit her tongue in half whenshe read the caption about how the two were dating, and threw the phoneaside as she fumbled for another cigarette.

Had the foolish boy listened to her at all?

Durand tried to warn her once again to not do anythingfoolish when he handed over her new documents, but all she did was snatch themup before she slapped his payment down on the counter and storm out, determinedto reach Abram so she could pull him from the fucked-up mess he’d made ofthings.

As furious as she was, she took care not to drive directlyto the Palmetto State campus in case Durand broke faith in her (or, morelikely, someone was watching the man’s shop), timing things to arrive in SouthCarolina shortly after the Foxes’ summer practice resumed. She also held backon calling Stuart, unnerved despite herself from Durand’s repeat warnings andthe fact that her brother had gone to the Moriyamas because of her.

Why was her family so stupid?

Once on the PSU campus, she dialed the number she’d enteredin the one burner phone despite the early morning hour. It rang into voicemailbefore she hung up and dialed again, when Stuart finally answered on the secondring.

“The fuck are you?” he asked, his deep voice slurred withsleep.

Mary froze for a moment upon hearing her brother, a memorysurfacing of him cursing her out, gruff voice harsh but grey eyes pleading withher to stay, to not take Abram and leave London. “Hello, Stuart.”

It was quiet for several heartbeats, and then Stuart let outa string of virulent curses. “I will gut whoever the hell you are for this sickjoke,” he finally spat. “Gut you like a-“

“You always made me sandwiches with cream cheese andcucumbers,” she told him in a rush, well aware of how inventive he could bewith threats. “Even though Mum got on you to feed me something moresubstantial, you knew how much I loved them. And you’d slice the cucumbers allthin, even after you cut your finger so bad the one time, enough to leave ascar beneath the nail on your left index finger. You should have gottenstitches but you didn’t want Mum to know.”

Stuart drew in a sharp breath and held it for a couple ofseconds. “How?” he demanded to know. “You’re supposed to be dead, Nathanialsaid that bastard killed you.”

“He said that the prick hurt me badly in Seattle and I toldhim that I didn’t have much time so he had to go on without me, right?”

“Yeah. Did he lie, or you?”

Mary nodded even though Stuart couldn’t see her. “Neither.”When Stuart scoffed, she shook her head. “No, it’s the truth, I was bleedinginternally, had a ruptured spleen, among other things,” according to Dr. Carra,and she knew it wasn’t from the car accident, “and only the fact that someonesaw me wreck the car after Abram and I parted ways saved my life.”

“Where were you? Why did you show up now?” Stuart demandedto know as something clicked in the background – a lighter. “Off on a niceholiday?”

“Not quite,” she snapped as she tapped the fingers of herright hand against the steering wheel and squashed the urge for a cigarette.“Funny thing about almost bleeding to death and your body shutting down, itsometimes leads to a coma, of all things. When I woke up several months later,I didn’t remember who I was.”

“Convenient, that,” Stuart said with a hefty dose of sarcasmafter exhaling loudly. “What jogged the old noggin, eh? Suddenly feel the urgeto stab someone and everything came rushing back?”

“No, I saw my son playing a sport I forbade him to partakein ever again, at Edgar Allan of all places, on television. Imagine that.” Marywas just as good at sarcasm – one could call it a family trait. “Seeing thechild I spent several years on the run with back at the damn place I’d given upeverything for to keep him from, and then I find out you’re working for theMoriyamas? What the fuck, Stu?”

There was another harsh exhale before her brother answered,anger evident in his voice. “First? Nathaniel’s not a child anymore, if youhaven’t noticed. Second? You’ve been gone for over four years, Mary. Fouryears! A lot’s happened during that time, and a good bit of it because wethought you were dead. Joining the Moriyamas meant that we could finally takeout that bastard and repay him for all the grief he caused us, and-“

“What about Abram?” she demanded to know while she continuedto watch the front entrance of what her research told her was the athletes’dorm. “Was he part of the deal?” Had her brother, her family betrayed herbecause she refused to allow her son to join the Hatford organization?

There was another brief span of silence before Stuart huffedin response. “Yeah, it’s definitely you, either alive or a demon back from thedead.” Then he huffed again. “Not much of a difference, eh?” The faint bit ofhumor disappeared when he spoke next. “All I’ve done is look after that boy asmuch as I can, which isn’t half as much as I’d like, considering how much youfucked things up by taking him and running all over the damn place instead ofletting us help like we wanted.” He continued on when she tried to argue. “No,listen for once, dammit. I do what I can, but Natha- no, Neil is rightclever bastard and he’s made his own way, more or less. Got the main house totake him in, to extend its protection over him in exchange for him playing Exyand giving them part of his earnings.” The bastard sounded proud ofAbram, of all things.

“So they own him,” Mary clarified, made numb at the thoughtof how deep the Moriyamas had their hooks in her boy.

“They always owned him,” Stuart said with a mirthlesschuckle. “Thanks to the bastard. Nathaniel’s made it so he has some freedomnow, can play wherever he wants as long as he wins.”

“He’s still owned,” Mary ground out as she caught sight of ashort, lean figure in an orange shirt and grey shorts, and put the car in‘drive’. “I won’t stand for that, for him being property.”

“Mary, for fuck’s sake, what are you thinking? Everything’ssettled, don’t mess things up! Tell me where you are and I’ll come to you,okay?”

“My son’s out there, property andunprotected.” A son she slowly followed, mindful not to get too close as Abram joggedalong the deserted campus.

“For crying – he’s not ‘unprotected’!”

“What, the Moriyamas have guards on him?” She’d have to takethat into consideration when she grabbed Abram, but she didn’t spot anyone nearhim as of yet.

“No! I mean, not like that,” Stuart muttered. “Andrew’salways with him so he’s safe.”

‘Andrew’. “You know about his ‘boyfriend’.” She sneered asshe spoke the last word.

“Everyone knows about the runt, the two of ‘em are ‘out’.”Stuart sounded rather aggrieved about that.

“And you didn’t dissuade this ‘runt’ from your nephew?” Whatthe hell had Stuart been thinking the last few years? This was his way of‘looking out’ for Abram?

There was another loud scoff at that question. “Like hell Ididn’t. Thing is, your son is rather set on the ‘runt’… and I hate to admit it,but Andrew’s good for him.” He sounded even more aggrieved right then. “No one’sgonna touch Nathaniel while Andrew’s around.”

She’d see about that. “I’m not about to let my son remainproperty any longer, or in the company of a possessive thug. You need to thinklong and hard about where your loyalty lies, Stu,” Mary said before she endedthe call and tossed the phone out of the car, just in case her brother tried totrack it.

Aware that she didn’t have long, she followed from adistance until she saw Abram reach into the right pocket of his shorts, thengunned the car. Abram lunged out of the way of the vehicle, blue eyes wide withsurprise, and faltered when he caught sight of her.

Mary slammed on the brakes and scrambled to get out of thecar while Abram was stunned motionless, aware that she didn’t have much time.“Abram,” she called out as she stepped forward, the door left open and enginerunning. “It’s me.”

“You- you’re dead.” His voice could barely be heard over thesound of the car’s engine. “You can’t… I have to be imagining this.”

“No, it really is me. You were Henryk when we lived in Graz,Eike in Dresden, Charlie in Glasgow. We had to eat peanut butter sandwiches forthree weeks straight when we lived in Glasgow because the apartment didn’t haveany electricity or a stove, and Morrie gave us a deal on the-“

“The peanut butter when we got the new IDs,” he finished forher with an uncertain tone of voice. “It was that or the canned sardines, butyou were worried about the smell.”

“Yeah. I promised you some strawberries if you’d eat afterthe second week.” She hadn’t gotten him them until Paris, but Abram had chokeddown the sandwiches per their agreement.

He’d been a good boy – at least back then.

“How?” Abram asked as he took a slight step forward andignored the ringing of his phone. “I thought… you told me….”

“I know,” she assured him as she bridged the distancebetween them. “I nearly died, and I’ll explain everything later, but we have togo now, Abram. Get in the car and I’ll tell you on the way.”

Instead of listening to her, he frowned. “Go? Mum… no, gowhere?” he asked as he shook his head. “Come with me to the dorms, you can tellme everything there.”

She’d been gone too long; he’d forgotten everything,forgotten that he needed to listen to her. “I’m getting you out of here,away from the Moriyamas,” she explained as she latched on to his right wrist –was he wearing something beneath the sleeves of his shirt?

“But it’s fine with the Moriyamas,” he dared to argue. “Youneed to come with me and meet Andrew, sit down and-“

Angered with the way that he didn’t listen to her, that hedared to talk back when she’d come all this way to save him, Mary lashed out andslapped her son across the face with all her strength. “Abram, get in thedamn car,” she snapped as he went still. “I’m not going to argue with you.”

His eyes wide once more, he dared to shake his head. “Mum,I’m not going anywhere, this is my-“

She slapped him again, not once but twice. “Get in the damncar! This is for your own good!” As a startled cry of pain slipped past hislips, she grabbed onto his hair (that awful color) and yanked it hard as shestepped backwards. “We’re leaving!”

“No! Let go!” He lashed out with his arms, brought them upand out, and Mary found herself surprised both with him fighting back and withthe strength he possessed – he wasn’t a young teenager anymore but a strongyoung man who was able to knock her hands free even if he lost some hair andgained a scratch along his right cheek in the process. While she stumbledbackwards, he gave her one last (hurt) look then took off running.

“Abram!” she called out as she leaned against the side ofthe car to regain her balance. “Come back here!” However, the boy had alwaysbeen fast and dashed across the green rather than near the road, effectivelypreventing her from following in the car.

Mary slammed her aching right hand onto the hood of the caras she watched Abram vanish, furious at the boy for defying her and herself formessing things up so badly.

*******

Andrew ran his right hand over the now cold, empty side ofthe bed and swallowed a sigh; his idiot just couldn’t stay in bed on a Saturdaymorning, could he? Especially with the start of practice, when they had to getup early during the rest of the week and head off to the stadium to work out.

Andrew didn’t even want to think about when classes beganagain, when they had to be up too damn early.

That time he didn’t hold back the sigh as he sat up in thetoo-empty bed and glared across the room at a snoring, oblivious Kevin, thereason they were still on campus and not back at Columbia; the other Exyaddict should be waking up soon to go join his father and spend the day tweakinggame plans based on the last few practice sessions with the newbies (orsomething like that, Andrew hadn’t paid much attention once Kevin startedbabbling).

Hmm, there was the possibility of drenching the pain in theass with ice water if he didn’t wake up in time….

Somewhat appeased with ruining someone else’s day, Andrewhad just gotten out of bed when his phone rang; he was about to ignore it whenhe recognized Stuart’s ringtone and realized that the British bastard had tohave a good reason for calling him so early – that and Neil wasn’t insight.

Never a good sign.

“What?” he growled as he answered the call while he bent overto grab the pair of jeans he’d left on the floor the night before as a badfeeling settled in his chest.

“Is Nathaniel there?” When Andrew scoffed at the question,Stuart cursed in a fervent manner. “Fuck, you need to find him! Hedidn’t answer his phone!”

“What’s going on?” Andrew demanded to know as he yanked onthe jeans, half-hopping over to dresser where he kept his keys. “Is it one ofhis father’s people?”

“No, it’s more fucked-up than that. Mary’s alive.”

For a moment, Andrew thought that he was still asleep andhaving one hell of a messed-up dream – then he stubbed his toe against thedresser while Kevin let out a mumbled complaint before he rolled over to buryhis face in the damn fox plushie. “Mary? How the- never mind, I’ll find Neiland then you explain what the hell is going on.” As long as his loverhad his phone on him – and he better have the damn thing with him – thenAndrew would find him.

“I’m on my way, be there in a few hours. Be careful,” Stuartsaid in a rush before he hung up.

Andrew sent a hasty text to Renee as he shoved his feet intohis sneakers then was out the door, busy pulling up the tracker app on his phone.To his immense relief, it showed Neil moving at a decent pace (but not toofast, so hopefully running and not bundled up in the trunk of a car) across thewest end of campus.

By the time that Andrew was in the Maserati and out on themain street, Neil more or less had gone still – at Foxes’ Donuts. His attentiondivided between the road ahead and his phone, Andrew reached the building inunder five minutes, and somehow didn’t cause an accident on the way (somehow).

Due to the lack of students on campus that early in thesummer, he didn’t have a problem finding a parking space at the popular eateryfor once, and was out of the car barely after it stopped. He garnished a coupleof odd looks as he entered, probably for the way he yanked the door open or thefact that he hadn’t bothered to brush his hair, but all he cared about was thefigure in the hooded orange t-shirt sitting hunched over the table in the farcorner.

After quickly checking the donut and coffee shop for signsof anyone who matched Mary’s description (small, middle-aged woman), he stalkedover to Neil, who seemed to be staring into a cup of black coffee with a box ofdonuts and his phone on the table. “Where is she?” Andrew asked as he sat down– and felt a rush of rage overwhelm him when his boyfriend looked up.

Neil’s handsome face was swollen, bruised and scratched,reddened and purpled in such a way that Andrew knew it was only going to getworse in the next half an hour or so. His lower lip was puffy (but not splitfor once), as was his left eye, and a slightly scabbed over scratch ran downhis right cheek.

“I got you donuts,” Neil mumbled with a slight smile, theexpression strained and his eyes glazed as if he wasn’t quite all there at themoment.

“I’m going to kill her,” Andrew declared in German,furious that the woman who’d abused Neil for so many years instead ofprotecting him, who’d let him fend for himself with murderers hot on his trail,had hurt him yet again. “Where is she?”

“I don’t… I don’t know.” Neil went to rub at his faceand stopped just in time. “I ran and… I want to go home,” he told Andrewin a plaintive voice as he pushed the coffee away. “Can we just go home?”

Despite his anger, something pulsed warm and turgid insideof Andrew’s chest to hear Neil say those words. “Why do you think I’m here,idiot? Let’s go.” He grabbed the donuts then, carefully in case there were anyhidden injuries, gripped Neil by the right elbow to help him stand up.

He glared at anyone who glanced Neil’s way as they left, andwas mindful to check around them for signs of Mary (or anyone he thought mightbe her). “You’ll have to settle for the Tower,” he told his boyfriend as hehelped Neil into the passenger seat of the Maserati; it looked as if Neil hadjust been slapped around, judging from the way he moved – that and a bad caseof shock.

“That’s fine,” Neil murmured as he curled up in the seat asif cold.

Oh yes, definitely a case of shock, which Andrew supposedwas understandable when one’s mother returned from the dead like that. Evenhe’d be a bit nonplussed over Tilda showing up alive – and then look forward tobeing able to kill her again, but Neil had actually cared for the abusive bitchwho’d given birth to him.

For a moment, Andrew almost headed for the highway insteadof back to the dorms, but it would be safest for Neil to be surrounded byothers (even if they were the upperclassmen) than the two of them alone at thehouse in Columbia.

Renee, dressed in PSU sweats and her hair pulled back in amessy bun, was waiting for them at the front of the building when Andrew pulledin to the Fox Tower’s parking lot. Something dark flashed through her eyes whenshe caught sight of Neil, but all she did was give him a reassuring smile andhold the door open for the two of them (then ensured that it closed securely behindthem).

“I’ll be in my room when you’re ready to talk,” she informedAndrew when they reached the third floor. “Whatever you need, I’m here foryou.”

“Stuart’s on his way,” he let her know, and noticed how Neiltwitched at that. “We’re about to have a Hatford family reunion.”

“Hmm, okay. I’ll bake some scones.” Renee gave him a curiouslook but otherwise didn’t push for more of an explanation then, content to waituntil Neil was ready to talk.

Once back in their room (with Kevin still asleep), Andrewtugged Neil into the kitchen, where he put on a pot of coffee and thenmicrowaved a mug of water so he could make some tea. Once a bag was added to itto steep, he turned to his boyfriend with his hands held up.

Neil gave a slight nod and remained still while Andrewgently touched his face to examine the damage done to it, then sighed whenAndrew fetched a bag of frozen peas and tossed it to him. “Uhm….”

“Use it, see if it helps with that ugly face of yours,”Andrew drawled, furious once again that someone had hurt his boyfriend. “Andtell me what the hell happened.”

“Stuart called you,” Neil guessed as he held the bag againstthe left side of his face.

“A prize for you.” Andrew reached out to gently comb hisfingers through Neil’s tousled hair and frowned when that provoked a wince, yetNeil lightly grabbed his wrist to keep him from pulling his hand away so hedidn’t stop. “Keep talking.”

Neil took in a deep breath as if to steady himself andslumped toward Andrew, who allowed his boyfriend to lean against him, to seekthat bit of comfort. “I realized during my run that someone was following meand thought it might be one of Ichirou’s people, so I made sure to head towardthe more populated area of campus.” That explained why Neil had been close tothe donut shop. “Then she got out of the car and I….” Neil’s breath caught inhis throat and he gave a slight shake of his head. “I remember that night soclearly, her coughing up blood, how bad she looked, the pain in her voice… if Ithought for one moment she could survive, I wouldn’t have left her.”

“You were a kid and in bad shape yourself,” Andrew remindedhim as he thought about the scrawny, battered kid dropped off at Wayward Burns.“And you were used to doing what she told you, which was to run. Did she sayanything?”

“No, just that she would explain things later.” Neil tossedthe bag aside as he turned to face Andrew. “She told me to go with her, toleave.” He shuddered as he wrapped his arms around Andrew’s waist. “When I toldher ‘no’, she started hitting me.”

“I’m going to kill her,” Andrew repeated as he hugged Neilclose to him, furious at Mary for daring to hurt her son like that but alsohimself for not being there to protect his boyfriend. “She’s never going totouch you again.”

“Drew….” Neil pulled away just enough to frown at him. “Idon’t-“

“No,” Andrew insisted as he lightly cupped Neil’s leftcheek. “Somehow she doesn’t die and the first thing she does upon seeing you isto try to drag you away from the life you fought for and then beat you? Tell methat she doesn’t know it’ll be a death sentence for you if you run,” he argued.“Not if Stuart knew to warn us. She had to call him first, and he would havewarned her about your deal with Ichirou.”

Neil shivered, most likely at the thought of how theMoriyama lord would react at the news of him breaking his word – it wouldn’tjust be Neil paying the price in the end, but Andrew and Stuart and probablyothers. “I won’t run,” Neil swore as his arms tightened around Andrew. “Everythingthat matters to me is here.” His expression was a mixture of pain and confusionbefore he tucked his bruised face into the crook of Andrew’s neck. “Why wouldshe do that to me? I was so happy to see her, and then she wouldn’t listen tome.”

Because she was an abusive bitch. Because she didn’t see herson as someone who deserved to be treated with the utmost care and respect, butas a possession. Because it had never been about Neil (Nathaniel), but Mary.

However, all Andrew did was give his lover a kiss on theforehead then lightly push him away, hand the bag of peas over with a sternlook before he removed the tea bag and fixed a mug of coffee for himself. Afterhe picked up both mugs with one hand, he latched on to the front of Neil’s shirtthen tugged his idiot toward the bedroom. “Come on.”

Neil followed without a word, his feet shuffling along thefloor in a sure sign that he was worn out with shock. Once near their bed,Andrew set the mugs down on the nightstand then helped his boyfriend remove hisshorts before shedding his own pants and pulling back the mussed bedding soNeil could all but fall down onto the soft surface. “Drink it,” Andrew told himas he handed over the tea, mindful to ensure that Neil could hold the mug,before he crawled onto the bed himself.

Neil tucked into his left side once he was settled, and theydrank in silence while he texted Stuart to let the man know that his nephew wasmostly all right but Mary was dead as soon as Andrew found her. When Stuarttexted back for him to calm the fuck down, Andrew held out his phone to take apicture of Neil’s face and sent it to the bastard.

It was a few minutes before Stuart responded with themessage that he’d deal with his sister and for Andrew to watch over Neil. When Andrewtold him he better deal with the bitch by shoving a knife in her throat, themessage was marked ‘undelivered’, as if the man had turned off his phone.

“Don’t antagonize my uncle,” Neil mumbled as he rested hishead against Andrew’s shoulder, the empty mug held between his hands.

“Don’t take away my fun,” Andrew chided before he slurpedhis coffee. “Now go to sleep.”

“Bossy,” Neil complained, yet he set the mug aside and slowlystretched out on the bed with his right arm draped over Andrew’s left leg as ifthe contact reassured him; Andrew stroked his fingers along his boyfriend’sbony hand and watched Neil fall asleep, exhausted from the morning’s shock.

Once the coffee was gone, he debated throwing the empty mugat a loudly snoring Kevin, but figured the asshole would make too much of afuss and wake Neil up so he took to playing on his phone instead.

Half an hour later, Kevin finally came awake with ahalf-snore, half-snuffle and sat up with his arms still wrapped around the foxplushie. His hair stuck up in all directions while he blinked several times,gaze distant as if still caught in a dream, and then he glanced at his alarmclock. “Shit!” He went to get up and almost fell out of the bed. “An-Andrew!Why didn’t-“ Kevin let out a yelp as a knife flew past him. “What!”

“Be quiet,” Andrew hissed as Neil stirred. “Go back tosleep,” he murmured as he stroked his fingers along his lover’s hair while heslowly climbed off the bed. “It’s all right.”

Something incoherent was mumbled before Neil curled into asmaller ball beneath the blankets; Kevin managed to gain his feet and approachedthe bed, his green eyes widening with surprise when he caught sight of Neil’sface. “Wha-ah, right,” he finished with a whisper when Andrew went for a knife.“Okay.”

Andrew jerked his head toward the door as he fetched a pairof sweatpants to wear; after grabbing some pants of his own, Kevin followed.

They took turns using the bathroom (Andrew found someamusement in reaching it first and making Kevin wait), and both had some coffeewhile Andrew started on the donuts. “What happened to Neil?” Kevin asked aftera displeased look at Andrew’s belated breakfast, busy texting on his phone(probably Wymack to let him know he was running late).

“Had a run-in with a zombie,”Andrew explained after he finished a chocolate-chocolate glazed donut. WhenKevin gave him a pained look for that, he shrugged and grabbed a cream-filleddonut. “Unfortunately, it seems his mother’s not dead after all. It’s atemporary situation, though.” As in it would be corrected as soon as he foundthe bitch.

Coffee splashed onto the floor asKevin jerked forward at the news. “What? Mary Wesninski’s alive?”

“For now,” Andrew clarifiedas he broke off a piece of the donut.

“But-“ Kevin’s hands shook as heset the mug on the counter, his expression taking on an interesting shade ofash as he wrapped his arms around his chest as if he was cold. “But she’salive! He has his mother back,” he argued in an oddly wistful tone.

“No, he doesn’t,” Andrew insistedwith a slight frown. “He has an abusive, manipulative bitch trying to worm herway back in his life and take him away from here.” He paused to throw the pieceof pastry into his mouth while Kevin’s mouth gaped open. “That means you loseyour precious striker and the Foxes’ their new vice-captain. Do you want that?”

“No,” Kevin responded in a quietvoice. “But what does Neil want?”

“He wants to stay here.” Andrewput the odd flutter in his chest down to a sudden sugar rush. “Not be draggedaway by someone who treats him like shit for daring to think for himself.”

Kevin winced upon hearing that andseemed to remember that he’d spilled coffee all over the floor since he reachedover to grab some paper towels. “She did that to him? Really?”

“Yes.” Which was why her ‘alive’status would soon be revoked. “I suggest you have your usual disgusting deadchicken embryo shake and then toddle off to Daddy’s to spend the day thinkingup new ways to annoy us for the season.” It would be best if Kevin was out ofthe way and under Wymack’s supervision while Andrew and Renee (and he supposedStuart) handled Mary.

“Why Neil puts up with you, I don’tfucking know,” Kevin muttered as he threw the coffee-soaked towels away.

“Because I’m a keeper,” Andrewinsisted as he debated which donut to eat next.

Kevin’s next words were mutteredin Japanese, which was the only reason he didn’t get a half-empty mug of coffeethrown at him – that and he listened to Andrew and fixed himself a nauseatingbreakfast shake before stomping off to get ready for the day.

Once Kevin was gone (and most ofthe donuts as well), Andrew returned to the bedroom and lay down next to hisboyfriend, who stirred a little at first but settled once Andrew whispered hisname and gave a gentle squeeze to the back of his neck. Neil tucked against hischest and phone beneath the pillow, Andrew looked forward to a short nap.

He was dreaming about him and Neilback in Racine, about the small apartment and the longing which hadfilled him (had filled Aidan) when he’d believed Neil to forever be out of reachwhen the sound of Neil’s phone ringing jolted him awake; he barely avoidedNeil’s head smacking him in the chin as his boyfriend fumbled for the devicewhile he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Ah, Stuart?” Neil said, his voicestill thick with sleep; his face appeared even worse than earlier, now that thebruises had time to properly ‘develop’. “Okay, do you need… okay. I’ll- okay.”Now he took to frowning. “Someone will let you in.”

“I’ll send Renee down to fetch the limey prick,” Andrewoffered as he fetched his own phone, only to do some frowning of his own whenhe noticed the texts from her. “Let your uncle know that there’s been an old Forddriving around the campus.”

“Yeah, that’s what she was driving. Ow.” Neil glared at him,probably for the jab in his left side. “What?”

“You couldn’t mention that earlier?”

“You didn’t ask,” the idiot mumbled before he returned hisattention to his phone. “I know to be careful. Why do you want to talk to him?I can take care of myself! Oh fine, treat me like a child,” Neil spat before hetossed the phone to Andrew, who just managed to not say anything rightthen.

“Keep him away from Mary,” Stuart ordered before Andrew couldsay anything. “And no killing her.”

“Do you want to see what he looks like now?” Andrew ignoredthe middle finger Neil directed his way. “I’m not giving her another chance tohurt him.”

“She’s not going to get it,” Stuart promised. “I’ll deal withher, so you do your damn job and keep Nathaniel safe.”

“Hmm, maybe I’ll tie him up in bed, that’ll keep him out ofthe way,” Andrew drawled he batted Neil’s hand aside. “So much fun for me.”

“I will kill you both,” his boyfriend gritted out whileStuart made that oh-so-amusing grinding sound.

“Just so you know, I don’t give a shit if she kills you,you damn runt,” the prick managed to spit out after a couple of seconds. “Infact, it’ll make my day.”

“That’s it, you’re no longer invited to the wedding,” Andrewtaunted before he hung up, right as Stuart began a garbled stream of something.Probably some comments on how wonderful Andrew was and how he so looked forwardto them officially being family.

“I hate you, I really hate you,” Neil mumbled as he gave upon trying to take back his phone and rested his forehead on Andrew’s left shoulderinstead. “Do you have any idea how difficult he’s going to be to deal with fromnow on? If I hear him bring up the ‘C’ word again, I’m going to tell Kevin thatyou offered to train with the newbies, I swear it.”

Andrew gave a light tug to Neil’s still tangled hair at boththreats before he rubbed his lover’s nape. “Stuart adores me.” The man hadn’t threatenedto kill him in months.

Neil made a gurgling sound in the back of his throat whilehe gripped Andrew’s t-shirt between his hands. “Did you hit your head while Iwas asleep?” He leaned back enough to look up at Andrew, his gaze intentdespite his slightly swollen left eye. “Do I need to call Abby and have hercheck you out?”

“Funny.” He leaned in for a quick kiss then pushed Neilaway. “Put on some clothes, we’re about to have company.”

While his grumbling idiot went off to the bathroom, Andrew textedRenee to let her know that Stuart would be there soon, and frowned at themessage that she’d warned the Foxes to ‘watch themselves’ because of Mary; thelast thing he needed was a bunch of busybodies butting in because they wereworried about their ‘darling’ Neil.

Case in point – the rather gibberish text from Nicky whichseemed to be a declaration of help, if he needed any, and Boyd’s offer of touse his truck for ‘disposal’.

He’d just pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a shirt whenthere was knock on the front door; surprised that Stuart had gotten there soquickly, Andrew left the bedroom, quick to shove Neil behind him when his idiotboyfriend attempted to answer the door.

“What? You’re paranoid,” Neil said with a roll of his eyeswhen Andrew gave him a flat look for his lack of survival skills.

“And you invite people to kill you on a regular basis, so stayback,” Andrew reminded him.

“Whatever.” Neil followed, at least dressed in thesweatpants he’d taken with him into the bathroom, an eager expression on hisbruised face as if he was happy to see Stuart for some reason. Andrew bracedhimself for some disgusting fussing from the British man over his nephew andthen to be bitched at because of what Mary had done before he opened the door…and found a strange woman with dark hair and a surly expression out in thehallway with a blank-faced Renee all but pressed against her back.

Between the dark gleam which spoke of ‘Natalie’ in Renee’seyes and Neil’s sharp inhale (that and the way the petite woman glaredfigurative daggers at him), Andrew went out on the limb as he stepped aside(with Neil all but shoved against the wall). “Is it my birthday already? Tothink all I got you was that ‘how to leave a cult’ book; I’ll have to up mygame next time, especially if you help me bury her body since a certain someonebitches so much about a little honest work.”

While Neil choked out his name, Renee gave Mary a pushforward (knife in the small of the back? Andrew so approved, especially if itwas buried in her kidney). “She stole Sheena’s ID when her and Jack ran out forbrunch,” Renee explained. “When the two came back complaining, I checked theTower and found her sneaking around.”

“See, I would have made it a quick death if you’d killed thosetwo,” Andrew said as he pushed Neil behind him. “Stay the fuck away from her,”he told his boyfriend in German. “I’ll snap her neck and lock you in thebathroom for the next month’s practices if you get within reach of her.”

“Uhm… she knows that language,” Neil reminded him as heslumped against the wall, his attention torn between Andrew and his mother,hands wrapped around his waist as if to keep himself from reaching foranything; Andrew grabbed his right one and tugged it toward the hem of his t-shirt,which earned him a grateful smile when Neil latched on to it for reassurance.

Meanwhile, Mary made an abortive motion as if she attemptedto lunge forward, only to be stopped by Renee. “I’ll rip out your heart with mybare hands if you touch him,” she threatened with a baleful glare beforelooking at Neil, her British accent the same as the times when Neil got drunkor was alone with Andrew. “And really, Abram? You let this wanker treat youlike that? I thought I raised you better.”

Neil scowled at his mother while he tugged Andrew closer. “Andrew’sconcerned about me, considering within five minutes of seeing you again, I looklike this,” he motioned at his face with his left hand. “You don’t know him atall, what he’s done for me.”

“He’s a controlling-“

“No.” Neil didn’t give Mary a chance to spew herhatred, nor did Renee, judging from the small grunt of pain which emanated fromthe crazy bitch a moment later. “You haven’t been around the last few years, hehas, and he’s largely the reason I’m still alive,” Neil let her know whileAndrew pondered where would be the best place to kill the bitch – in thebasement or offsite somewhere? “He’s fought for me, killed for me, even, and helistens to me. We’re equals.”

“He only makes you think you’re equals,” Mary argued,proving the whole ‘not listening thing’ to everyone in the room. “I know histype, know how he’ll make you think he’s there for you when all he’s doing istricking you into- I will rip your heart out too, you fucking slag,” shesnarled when it seemed that a certain good Christian girl had run out ofpatience.

“I told you Andrew isn’t like that, and so has your son.Just because it’s not what you want to hear, doesn’t make it untrue,” Reneesaid with a hint of exasperation. “Just accept that Neil is happy here withsomeone who loves and respects him.”

“She’s never going to do that,” Andrew stated as he slippeda knife free from his left armband. “She fucked up her life and did her best toruin Neil’s, she’s not going to accept that he managed to get it on track onceshe was out of the way.”

“Andrew,” Neil whispered with a wince, but he didn’t arguewith the statement. “Mum, I’m so happy that you’re alive, but you can’t comehere, threaten Andrew and my friends, and expect me to run away with you when I’vea life here.”

“You shouldn’t be here, you never should have stoppedrunning, never should have picked up a damn Exy racquet again,” Mary mutteredas she glared at her son. “Was it his idea?”

“Guilty as charged,” Andrew drawled as he flipped the knifeinto the air. “Running wasn’t doing him any good, and for some reason, we didn’tknow about the whole ‘sold to the Moriyamas to play their stupid game’ thing sowhy not join the local Exy team, hmm?” He did some glaring of his own when Marytwitched a little at the accusation. “Don’t go trying to cast blame on Neil orme, not when so much trouble could have been avoided if you’d just have toldhim why the hell you were on the run.” Well, other than the fact that she’d marrieda psychotic bastard.

“I told him not to play Exy,” Mary muttered. “Thatshould have been good enough.”

“You also told him you were dying, so your word is obviouslyshit,” Andrew shot back.

“I will take so much pleasure in shooting you,” Mary grittedout, which prompted a cold smile from Andrew. “Abram, you need to-“

Whatever ultimatum she was about to pull, it was interruptedby a knock on the door; Andrew swore if it was Nicky coming over because he wasbored or one of the newbies looking for Neil, he was going to start on thestabbing someone sooner than expected.

It was Stuart; Andrew nearly went through with the wholestabbing thing after all, but the bastard slipped into the dorm room during theminor internal debate and so Andrew missed that important stabbing window.

“Uncle Stuart!” Neil called out while the man took toswearing beneath his breath. “Did someone let you in?”

Stuart waved what looked to be a generic ID in his left handbefore he shoved it into the pocket of his grey sports coat, which he wore overa pair of jeans and a white dress shirt. “I, ah, managed something, and fuckme, Mary.” He gawked at his sister while she gazed back at him. “It’sreally you.”

“It’s about time you showed up, Stu. Deal with this uppityslag while I tend to Minyard, will you?” Mary snapped while Andrew went back toNeil’s side.

Stuart cast an apologetic look Renee’s way, who gave him oneof her blissful smiles in return. “Walker, would you mind backing off a little?”

“That’s not what I-“

“Of course,” Renee said over Mary’s complaints, quick toslide the knife up the sleeve of her PSU sweatshirt as she stepped away. “Ihave her gun.”

“I’ll take that before we leave.” Stuart was quick to yankMary, who’d turned as if to fight with Renee for the weapon, toward him. “Calmthe hell down, will you?”

“I’m gonna beat some manners into this daft bitch,” Marysnarled as she swiped at a faintly smiling Renee.

“No, you’re not – I told you that Neil had people watchingover him, and she’s one of them. Now, unless you truly do want to be dead, calmthe hell down,” Stuart gritted out as he shoved his sister away. “And tell mewhy you thought it was a good idea to show up here, smack the shit out of yourown child and attempt to kidnap him.”

Neil shifted about as if uncomfortable at seeing his motherput on the spot like that, but Andrew grasped his right hand while he shook hishead. “That was truth, right now,” he said in his limited Russian.

“I know,” Neil agreed, his expression a bit guiltyyet he sidled closer to Andrew as he entwined their fingers together.

“I came here to save him,” Mary said, her voice tight withanger. “To take him away so the Moriyamas can’t hurt him.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Stuart started, a pained expression onhis face. “He’s perfectly fine here. You’re gonna get him killed if you takehim away.”

“Yeah, Mum,” Neil called out. “I made a deal with the mainbranch years ago, everything’s settled now. As long as I play Exy for a decentteam and they make money from it, they leave me alone.” A bit of asimplification, but that was all Mary really needed to know.

Mary whirled around to face Neil and would have come closerif not for the knife Andrew waved in her direction. “You made a deal with them?With a bunch of mobsters? I didn’t want that for you, Abram, I wanted-“

“What?” Neil asked, his voice harsh and expressioncold. “For me to keep running until Dad’s people found me and killed me?” Sheflinched at that but didn’t look away. “Until one of Tetsuji’s people trackedme down and dragged me back to Edgar Allan?” He tugged at the collar of the t-shirthe wore to expose more of the damn tattoo on the left side of his neck andshoulder. “I spent two weeks there and it was enough of a hell to last alifetime, thanks, I can’t imagine what it would like to be there for years.Only the fact that I belonged to the main branch and not the side one ensuredthat I walked out of there in the end.” His fingers clenched around Andrew’shand as he spoke, as he no doubt remembered all the things Riko had done to himover that one Christmas break. “This might not be the life you wanted for me,but it’s the one I chose for myself and I’m happy. I don’t give a damn if youdon’t like it, and I’m not letting you or anyone else take it away from me.”

“And I didn’t nearly die so you could so be some Moriyamaproperty,” Mary argued, as if she hadn’t listened to her son at all. “I didn’tgive up-“

“Shut up,” Andrew said as he tugged Neil closer, morebehind him since the woman had a disturbing gleam in her light brown eyes(contacts) which he’d seen too many times in Riko’s to want Neil to be nearsuch mental instability. “Neil’s no longer paying for your poor life choices.He told you ‘no’, now respect it and fuck off.”

“He’s my son, you shitty bastard,” Mary growled as her handsclenched into fists and Stuart’s right hand inched toward the front of hiscoat.

“Big deal,” Andrew said with all the scorn he felt for thewoman. “Just because you gave birth to him doesn’t mean you can control himforever, especially now that he’s an adult. It certainly doesn’t mean you canbeat the shit out of him. You fucked up when you came here making ultimatumsand raised your hand to him, so go away.” Neil shifted about but didn’targue, didn’t plead for his mother to stay, while Renee focused her attentionon Mary as if waiting to see if she would need to intervene in some manner.

Before Mary could say anything else, Stuart shoved his waybetween the two of them. “As much fun as it is to see the two of you go at eachother, I’ve a feeling this will just drag on all day and I don’t have the time.”

“So shoot the two of them and let’s go,” Mary muttered asshe folded her arms over her chest.

“No,” Stuart gritted out through clenched teeth as hegave his sister one hell of an annoyed look. “Shut up and listen for once inyour damn life, Mary,” he snapped, much to the woman’s obvious surprise. “Ikeep telling you, take Nathaniel away and it’ll only fuck things up for all ofus because Ichirou Moriyama will see it as a challenge to his authority. He won’tstop until the both of you are found and killed in a very messy manner to senda message to everyone, and he won’t stop with the two of you as he makes sure thatmessage is heard loud and clear.” Stuart motioned to himself, Andrew and Renee.

“And yet you work for the man,” Mary sneered, though Andrewthought it lacked some of her usual vigor.

“Yeah, because it allowed the family a foothold in theStates and it finally allowed us a shot at your bastard husband,” Stuart rubbedin her face without remorse. “While you in that coma and then down in Mexico, ableto live your life without remembering all this shite, your family had to dealwith it.” He motioned to himself again then Neil. “We did the best we couldwith what options we had, and now I’m not going to let you fuck things upbecause you don’t like how that turned up, even if you are my sister.”

“So what, you’re gonna take me somewhere and put a bullet inmy head? You could do that to me?” Mary taunted her brother with growingdesperation. “Abram, you going to let him do that to your mother?” Her defiancefaltered when it was quiet in the room for several seconds. “Both of you arebastards.”

“Stuart didn’t say he was going to shoot you, Mum,” Neilpointed out with a palpable weariness. “And I love you… but I can’t let youhurt Andrew and the others. Go with Uncle Stuart,” he pleaded.

“I’m not going to shoot you,” Stuart assured his sister ashe rubbed the back of his neck, just as worn down as Neil by arguing with thewoman. “At least, not in the head, so don’t try my patience anymore than youalready have,” he warned her. “We’re going to leave here before you cause anymore trouble and head back home. Will wants to see you.”

Mary twitched at that as if not pleased with the thought offacing her big brother. “Do I have any say in this?”

Something cold settled on Stuart’s face. “After you hurt Nathaniel?No, not really. I love you, Mary, and I’m glad you’re alive, but right now I’mhalf-tempted to leave you with Andrew, which might solve a good bit of problemsin the end. But you are my sister so here’s your chance – come with me now, nomore fighting.”

“He’s just a kid,” Mary said with the sneer back on her faceas she glanced at Andrew. “I can handle him and the slag, now that I’m preparedfor them.”

“No, you can’t. You honestly think I’d leave familyunprotected, after everything that’s happened with you and that prick,Wesninski?” Something in Stuart’s voice or expression made Mary’s certaintycrumble after a couple of seconds.

Still, she tried one more time; she turned toward Neil, herexpression stern. “I came back for you, boy. You’re going to let him take meaway after everything I did for you?”

Neil’s fingers tightened around Andrew’s once more as his bruisedface grew blank. “I think it’s best that you go, Mum. I know you tried to lookout for me,” both of them ignored Andrew’s derisive snort, “but I’m good now.Let Uncle Will help you out.”

Something almost soft started to come over Mary’s face for amoment, and then it hardened. “Don’t come crying to me when this one breaksyour heart,” she told Neil.

“It won’t happen,” Neil assured her. “Be safe, Mum. Safe andhappy.”

“You’re a fool, Abram.” Mary turned her back toward Neil andtold Stuart that she was ready to leave, that there wasn’t anything holding herthere anymore.

Stuart gave his sister a furious look before he came over togive Neil a quick hug. “I’ll visit when I’m back,” he promised his nephew. “Takecare until then.” While a somber Neil nodded, he gave Andrew a stern look. “Watchover him.”

“Go away,” Andrew said while he made a shooing motion withhis right hand, the knife still held in it. “You’re an asshole, you won’t evenlet me stab her once.”

“Such a little shit,” Stuart muttered as he held up twofingers in a rude gesture before he finally left with Mary (after retrievingthe gun from a quiet Renee). Once the door was closed behind them, Renee cameover to give Neil a sympathetic rub on the back.

“I’m sorry, that had to be difficult,” she soothed.

“I just… I wish she would have listened to me,” Neil said asAndrew let go of his hand so he could put the knife away then gently grasp hisboyfriend’s nape. “What’s the point of getting her back when she doesn’t even seeme? I’m just… just an object to her?”

There were times when Andrew grew frustrated with how Neilexcused the abuse his mother had inflicted upon him over the years, how he overlookedthe fact that she’d waited too long to leave his abusive, psychotic father. Itwasn’t that Neil pretended none of it had ever happened or that everything hadbeen fine, it was just that compared to the other monsters in his life (Nathan,Lola, Riko)… Mary had been the one who’d tried to help him in her own fucked-upway, had hurt him the least (but still hurt him).

Had seemed to give up her life for him.

So Neil had… glossed over, in a way, the abuse he’d sufferedat her hands because she hadn’t wanted him dead (had helped keep him alive),hadn’t sold him to another person, hadn’t taken sadistic pleasure in hurtinghim. However, Andrew thought that his lover might not be so willing to defendthe woman after today.

“I don’t know her, but I think the problem is she feels sheknows what’s best for you and is determined to see it through. Her intentionsare good… but she’s sadly misinformed,” Renee offered with a kind smile. “Itdoesn’t make what she’s doing right, though. Hopefully your uncles can help herunderstand things better so you can start anew one day.”

“Maybe, but my mother’s really stubborn. I think in her mindshe gave up so much for me yet I broke her rules.” Neil’s expression becamemulish as he gazed at Andrew. “I don’t care if she feels it’s wrong, I’m happynow which is all that matters. Maybe it’s best if she just finds her own life now,too. At least I know she’s alive out there somewhere and isn’t dead because ofme.”

“Especially if she thinks it’s acceptable to smack youaround whenever she wants. I really will kill her if she touches you again,”Andrew promised, unwilling to allow anyone to hurt his lover.

Neil winced at that statement but didn’t argue, while Reneesmiled. “I did make some scones, how about I bring them over later?” When theyboth nodded, her smile deepened. “Good. I’ll see you in a little bit.” Shewaved to them before leaving.

“So much for a nice, quiet weekend,” Neil groaned as he wentto sit down on the couch; he raised his hands to his face before he rememberedwhy that wasn’t a good idea.

“Well, I highly doubt anyone else is going to come back fromthe dead in the next forty-eight hours, so we should be good on that front,”Andrew drawled as he went to sit down next to his lover, oddly drained for somereason; it might be good to eat something soon.

Neil’s lips twitched for a couple of seconds before hesmiled. “I’ll laugh if you managed to jinx us right now, you know.” Then the expressionfaded away as he tilted his head back to rest on the back of the couch. “Excepteveryone we know who’s dead are basically psychotic assholes so….”

Andrew thought about that while he tugged on the end of hisleft armband. “Ah… Seth?”

His boyfriend always looked cute when he wrinkled his noselike that. “Okay, not so much psychotic but very much an asshole, I’ll give youthat. You really want him to come back?”

“Hell no.”

“I thought not. One exception to the rule, and not a pleasantone at that.”

“I don’t know, might be fun to kill Riko again,” Andrewmused. “Always thought his death was a bit too quick.” There should have beenmore broken bones and flayed skin involved, in his opinion.

“Oh sure, you get to have all the fun and I’m stuck diggingthe grave, I’m willing to bet,” Neil whined as he entwined their fingerstogether, a sure sign that he was recovering from the whole ‘Mary’ ordeal.

“Is it me or are you becoming lazier the older you get?”Andrew asked as he rubbed his thumb along Neil’s hand.

“Says the guy who skips out on the grave digging,” Neilgrumbled while he slumped down enough to rest his head against Andrew’sshoulder.

“Just have one of the newbies do it, vice-captain. Tell ‘emit’s a cardio exercise or something.”

“Hmm.” Neil grew contemplative at the suggestion. “Hmm, thathas possibilities.”

One problem solved for the time being, Andrew enjoyed thequiet moment while it lasted (before Aaron and Nicky barged in to make surethat everything was okay, or the upperclassmen pestered them to see Neil, or something).He could only be so lucky to have another shot at Riko, but at least there wasa plan in place if it happened.

Until then, enjoy the time alone with Neil, who was going tobuy him some take-out for making up for the whole ‘no stabbing’ thing.

Or maybe not, as there was a knock on the door.

*******

[celestica-1988]

Come With Me.

TheDirt!NikkiSixxXFemaleReader.

Requested: Yes, by anonimous.

Can I get a Nikki (The Dirt version) one-shot? Reader's an actress and has been dating him since he was in his band London. She got her big break after starring as the final girl in a slasher movie. I thought Friday the 13th would make the most sense, because it was released 1 year before Mötley Crüe was formed. Tommy recognizes her before he recognizes Nikki. She gets cast as the final girl in A Nightmare on Elm Street and is there to soften the blow when Nikki sees Deana again and fires Doc.

1979 (Y/N)

 You could remember very well the first time you saw Nikki Sixx.

At the times his name was still Frankie Ferrana and you attended the first years of high school. Since your parents travelled a lot because of work you were the new kid in the class, you just moved to Seattle and felt out of place. People were not nice to you, they mocked you and bullied you, so the day that a dark haired boy stepped by you felt protected for the first time.

Nikki was the problematic boy of the school, the guy no one wanted to mess up with and he was helping you, a perfect stranger.

You remembered asking him why and he simply said that outcasts must stick together, since then you were inseparable. You helped him with homework and he showed you all the place in which you could hang out in the city. Your parents didn’t like him, but you didn’t care.

Nikki was the first person you could call friend, the one who knows all the sides of you and your secret dream: become an actress.

He was supportive of it, not like your family. You grew up in a very strict family and being an actress wasn’t considered a serious job, just Nikki considered it this way.

The more you knew him the more you were drawn to him and to his magical green eyes.

You gave him your first kiss and your v-card and you didn’t regret it a little bit, he was so sweet that you wondered how people at school were so scared of him.

Maybe because he wasn’t just a meek victim and he bit back, maybe because there were rumors that said he made arrest his own mother. Nikki never talked about her, the only thing he said was that she was a bitch and you decided to respect his silence.

You became his girlfriend the last year of high school, you even attended the school prom with him (you had a pic of it in your wallet). When high school ended you remembered how he was by your side in the worst time of your life. Your parents wanted you to go at college, you just wanted to be an actress so everyday you fought with them. You were always worn out and Nikki was seriously worried for you.

In the end he was the one who came up with the solution.

One evening, after a day of hard fights, you were laying in your bed when you heard some weird muffled noises. Nikki was throwing little rocks at your window.

“Come with me!” he mouthed, you nodded.

You threw the necessary in a backpack and climbed down from your window, thanking God that there were a tree near enough to it.

After kissing and hugging he said the best thing of all the times: “Fuck your parents, Y/N. I’m going to L.A. because I wanna be a musician, come with me. You could be an actress, Hollywood is waiting for you.” “Nikki, I love you.”

You said after kissed him.

And so you left everything for your dream, you still treasured this memory, because you never felt so free like that summer night.

You two arrived in Los Angeles as runaways, you started to live together in a little apartment. Nikki worked here and there and you did the same, but you were happy. It was the best time of your life, you talked all night about your dreams and everything seemed so beautiful in those days.

Now everything was different and you couldn’t even tell when things started to go bad between you and him. He was in a band called London, but he kept fighting with the singer and you, after a series of small roles, got the big chance of your life. You were chosen as the final girl in a slasher movie called Friday the 13rd. You thought Nikki would be happy for you, but he wasn’t.

Since you got the role he was grumpy and he criticized you for every little thing you did wrong. It was not Nikki like doing it, so you understood that there were something more that you being clumsy.

And this evening you were about to confront him and made him spit the truth.

You finished to drink your tea and lighted up a cigarette.

One minute after the apartment’s door opened and Nikki came in, you got up from the couch and approached him.

“Why are you still awake, Y/N?

Shouldn’t you work tomorrow?” His voice was ironic.

“I’m still up because we need to talk, Nikki. What’s the problem?” “What do you mean?” “There’s something bothering you and it’s not me being clumsy. What’s it bothering you?”

“Nice to see you noticed it.” That was the last straw, you couldn’t stand anymore his sarcasm.

“Oh, Nikki. Spit the fuck out. What is your fucking problem with me?

What have I done?” “What you done? You accepted that fucking role without even discussing with me!”

“Really?! I never discussed my other roles with you and you didn’t get mad. Why now?” “Are you fucking stupid or are you playing the idiot?

This is not some little role, this is a big chance and you cut me out from it.” “Because I don’t need your permission to do something, you are not my father!” “No, I’m not. But I’m your boyfriend if this means something to you.” “I don’t fucking understand!”

You screamed in frustration.

“Oh, my fucking God. You will be the last girl in a horror movie, do you know what this mean?

A lot of guys jerking out thinking of you, do you think I like it?

You are my fucking girlfriend, not all Americans’ boys one!”

You were left speechless.

“You are just jealous…” “Just? That’s the problem, you didn’t take me in consideration!” “You were the one who always support me, I never thought you ended up being like my parents!”

He laughed bitterly.

“Your parents didn’t want you to be an actress, I’m okay with it, but not with this role.

Don’t try this game on me, Y/N.”

“Fine. Do you know what, Nikki?

Fuck you, it’s over. You are a selfish prick who wants me locked in a cage.

I don’t wanna be with you anymore.” “Me too, because you are a selfish whore.

Get your shit and go away.” His voice was cold as ice, you held back the tears.

“Sure as hell I’ll do, asshole.”

And so you lost the most important person in your life in a way you didn’t even expect.

It hurt like hell, but you couldn’t forgive Nikki, not his time.

You decided to not say anything on his drinking and drugs problems, but you couldn’t get over this stupid jealousy.

This was your first heartbreak and it was really painful.

………………………………………….

 1982 (Nikki)

 After three years from his breakup with Y/N Nikki was still fond of her and he was still jealous.

He never watched a film in which there was her acting because then the urge to call her would have been unbearable and he couldn’t afford to call her. If he wasn’t so scared about feelings (thanks, mom), he would also admit that he still loved her, but he simply couldn’t.

He bottled everything inside himself and just fucked random girls.

Life was still good for him.

Now he was in a band he could call his own and in which he was the most important member, he lived with his band member in an apartment on Sunset Strip.

Every weekend there was a party in their house, but at the moment he was scribbling some ideas for a new song.

After finishing it he went in Tommy’s – the drummer – room and froze. There were a big poster of Y/N as the last girl in Friday the 13rd, his eyes widened and his fist clenched. That was why he was so against that role, Tommy was the common American boy, the one who were looking for love, but in the meantime he enjoyed random sex and jerking off. Nikki was rubbed by the fact that he was jacking off on his ex girlfriend, the one that he still have feeling for.

“Hey, dude! What’s up?” Nikki turned around to face a smiling Tommy.

“That poster….” He pointed to Y/N one.

“Take it off.” “What? Why?”

“Just do it.” His voice was stern.

“Why, Nikki?

Don’t you like her?” “I fucking her, she’s my ex girlfriend and I don’t want you to masturbate over her.” Tommy’s eyes widened.

“I didn’t know…” He whispered.

“Now you know. Take it off.” “Okay.” Nikki didn’t go away till Tommy removed the poster and threw away in the trash can.

“Do you still love her, man?” “Yes.” His murmur was so low that Tommy barely heard it.

“Now… I have something to show you. I started to write a new song.” Nikki wasn’t ready to talk about Y/N.

Not yet.

Not even with his best friend.

…………………………………………..

 1985 (Y/N)

 You were in New York City, your acting career was doing well.

After playing as the final girl in Friday the 13rd you had better roles and now you were casted as the final girl in another horror movie: A Nightmare on Elm Street

You were happy, but you never forgot Nikki, not even for a second, it was like a silent ghost who haunted your life. Maybe because you still love him, maybe because now he was famous too as Mötley Crüe’s bassist and he had millions of fans and girls willing to have sex with him.

He wasn’t your boyfriend from a long time so why were you bothered by it?

You had no idea, you couldn’t explain it rationally.

You were so lost in your thoughts that just when someone almost walked over you, you came back to earth.  You were ready to insult this person to death when you saw a pair of green eyes you were able to recognize in between millions of green eyes.

They were Nikki’s eyes and they were full of rage and pain, you could tell he was hurting, that something deep inside him was wounded.

“Frankie?”

You murmured in a low tone, the eyes widened.

“Y/N?” He was surprised but suddenly he locked you up in a hug, you were about to complain when something wet fall on your neck: Nikki was crying.

You couldn’t help but hugged him back.

You stayed this way for a while, then you released him and took one of his hands in yours.

“Come with me.” He nodded.

You went in your hotel room with him and offered him some drinks, but he refused.

“What’s up, Fran… Nikki?”

“My manager invited my mother to visit me. We don’t talk to each other till I was a kid and she came out of the blue asking if ‘Home Sweet Home’ was written for her.

She’s the usual selfish bitch, I can’t take her anymore.” Then he looked at you.

“Sorry.” “It’s okay, Nikki. I’m not bothered by you, feel free to talk.” He shook his head.

“I didn’t mean to apologize to you for bringing you again in my shit. I apologize because I had been n asshole when I broke up with you.” “Oh.” “I was so jealous that everybody would see my girl half naked that I didn’t even take into consideration your feelings or watched the movie. Maybe I was just jealous that you hit the big time before me, but at the time I wasn’t ready to admit it. I’m really sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. I should have talked to you before accepting that role.”

You two stayed silent for a while.

“I want someone who love me for who I am.” He said, you got closer to him and cupped his face with your hands and kissed him.

You didn’t’ think, you just followed your instinct.

Now you were embarrassed and Nikki was surprised.

“What does it mean?” “Sorry, it was inappropriate.” “It wasn’t, but why, Y/N?” “Call me idiot, Nikki, but I still love you.” You lowered your eyes, afraid to read a rejection in them, but he lifted up gently your chin.

“Don’t be afraid of me, Y/N.”

“I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid that you went on with your life and stopped loving me.”

“You are the first girl I felt in love with and there were nothing serious after you.

You know, just sex, but my heart was frozen.”

“What are you trying to say?” “That I still love and I would like to give another chance to this crazy love of ours.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” And he kissed you with burning passion.

Nikki has always been unpredictable, you had no certain that tomorrow he would still want to be with you or that he was so nice just because you were there at the right time to soften the blow.

You didn’t care while you were undressing him.

All you knew was that you were happy he was there.

How the fuck could you live without him for all these years?

It wasn’t important.

The important thing was that something told you that tomorrow he would be still there to rebuild your relationship from the scratch.

It was a fucking good feeling.

[smuttyfairy]

Show You How (M)

Touch me til I follow in love / I wanna help him / Maybe we were better alone/ I wanna show you how - The Killers “Show You How” Genre: Smut/Angst Summary: Runaway lovers lost in bliss lose their way in the city of blinding lights. Mark likes killing for a living, Taehyung misses his rainy seattle home. The honeymoon is long over, and the fuse is running short. But for who?  (Mark (got7) x Taehyung (BTS), Mark x Youngjae (B.A.P.) , Kai (Exo) x Taehyung. Mafia!AU, Vegas!AU) Warnings: Character Death, Cheating, Alcohol and Drug use. Word Count: 4,529 Written by: Admin Jaefairy A/N: So...this is a hella late birthday gift to my little sis, my kakao wife #2, and overall best bad bitch @kpopanddrama! Happy Birthday Skyler, you’re an awesome person and I love you very much!

Sunday, 7:34 am The Nevada sunrise was unfamiliar, and somehow so calming. The sun burned with a fire-like intensity, waking eyes and showing sins better left in the dark. When it wasn't night, Las Vegas looked like a cheap tourist attraction from the wide window Mark gazed out every morning. Cars flew by, going in and out the city. He never went into the city during the day. Mark felt like seeing it like this, wide open and exposed, it lost much of it's magic. At night, the lights mingled with the sky. It was bright and hid all the ugly things. Mark glanced at an half empty bottle of gin near the door. That too, hid the ugly things.

Mark looked down, his round lips parting. He looked at the boy sleeping next to him. The dirty sheet covered his face, tuffs of bleached hair feathered out. His long fingers reached out, grabbing the hair gently. Mark tugged, a soft groan from the sheets broke the silence in the room for a moment. He tugged again, a head emerging from the sheets. The wide brown eyes of his bed buddy met his, a yawn escaping his mouth.

"I'm up, I'm up." The sleepy boy rubbed his eyes and sat up, smacking his mouth together some. Mark waited for him to be somewhat attentive.

 "You sure?" Mark leaned into the boy's ear, his soft voice planting warmth. The other laughed and looked at Mark with a wide smile. It was so hopeful, so bright, it could have envied the sun. For a split moment, Mark had a nasty feeling in his stomach. A sudden chaste kiss, hands lifting the younger boy into his lap and a tongue exploring salty flesh was enough to make him sink the feeling down. His tongue lapped slowly at the exposed neck, and soft moans sounded like sweet music. Mark grabbed a handful of ass, and the volume rose. "Are you awake, Tae?"

"Uhn.." Taehyung grinded into Mark, showing Mark how aroused his tongue was making him. "Yeah, I think I'm wide awake now."

 Mark smirked before giving his neck a deep kiss. He released his ass, giving it a quick slap before pushing him off. "Great. We have a collection today. Boss wants it to be done clean."

 As he lifted himself off the bed, he saw the cute pout that graced his boyfriend's face in their mirror.

 "Do we have to go now?" Taehyung asked grabbing the long sleeve of Mark's shirt. Mark looked back, his eyes facing Tae's. Taehyung gave him that wide smile, getting on his knees and kissing Mark's lips. He broke the kiss quickly, kissing him again. Mark reciprocated, grabbing Taehyung's waist and crawling back on the bed. Morning breath and liquor was not the best combination on the tongue, but Taehyung could forgive it. Feeling Mark's lips against his own was a special brand of drug no one but him knew. Oh, how in love he was with Mark Tuan. His hands played with the older's brown hair, combing his hands through the dry strands. He made a mental note to buy him conditioner later. With his back on the bed and Mark inching his black briefs off slowly, he could have swore he hit the jackpot. His erection was released from the cloth, and Mark's lips  didn't hesitate to kiss the pink head. The pre cum moistened his lips, and he opened his mouth. Taking in Taehyung's erection, Mark took care to suck his cock slowly. The buildup, the way Taehyung's head would lean back and he'd gasp Mark's name, it drove him crazy. When he was sober, he remembered how fast the blood rushed to his cock seeing Tae like this. Coming undone by his every movement.

 "Mark..." Taehyung gasped, feeling his boyfriend's tongue lick under his cock before taking all of him again. A hand played with his balls, stimulating his body. A warmth grew in his stomach and it spread throughout. He looked down to see Mark sucking his cock with hunger, those beautiful eyes of his gazing into his own. Mark released his cock from his mouth with a 'pop', a deep moan rumbling from his chest. He gripped the cock, spitting all over the tip. Pumping and lubing up Tae's erection, his eyes never left Taehyung's. He resumed, and the buildup in Taehyung's stomach got worse. He felt himself rising.

 "Faster, please...fuck, go faster." He begged, his head leaning deeper into his pillow. Mark complied, and Tae felt his body grow hot. His arm covered his eyes and uncontrollable groans escaped his lips. He felt it rising and before he could warn Mark, he felt his cum shoot into that warm wet mouth. Mark froze, moaning with every load of cum he was fed. He swallowed, Taehyung caught his breath. The taste in his mouth made him think heaven was real. Taehyung's blissed out face made him wish it was.  A glance at the clock on their night stand and all he could see was hell.

 "Shit, we're late! Get dressed and get your fucking gun. We have to go, now. " Mark threw off his clothes and found a pair of clean jeans, a black button up. While he grabbed his silver barretta from under the bed, Taehyung was coming out of the bathroom. He wore a black suit, leather shoes and a cobalt blue tie. Taehyung was always better at presentation than Mark. Taehyung was buttoning up his jacket, watching Mark get up from the floor, gun in hand.

 "You should get ready the night before."

 "You should get in the car. " Mark answered, a frown on his face, embarrassment laced in his words.

 Taehyung nodded, giving him a smirk before heading out the hotel room. Mark looked at the disheveled room for one moment before leaving. Mark's clothes were askew on the floor, Taehyung's hung nicely in the closet. Mark left empty bottles of soda and gin around. Taehyung had his things neatly in one place near the bathroom. How did they live without killing each other, Mark would never know.

  Sunday, 11:49 am

The air in Nevada was stale and humid. It could never compare to the muggy, damp mornings in Seattle that Taehyung missed. He missed his family and his friends. He missed waking up to the sound of rain on his windowpane and the screams of his parents fighting downstairs. In all of the chaos, and madness, life was somewhat beautiful. Taehyung knew from a young age that even though the sun shined bright, rain clouds would always come. He took the good with the bad, and thanked god everyday he was alive.

As Mark drove them into a nearby suburb, Taehyung gazed at the dry grass. The cookie cutter houses with peeling paint seemed drab and dull for the younger boy. They pulled into a house, the dusty white mailbox in the front had faded numbers painted on the side.

 "1124 Pearl Street, Boulder City. " Mark repeated from the screen of his phone. He looked at the house for a moment, then at Taehyung. "You ready to go? Boss says he wants it clean and quick. Don't get cold feet and freak out like last time. I can't always save you."

Taehyung looked at Mark's blank face, watching how Mark kept his eyes on the front door. It's been awhile since Tae could actually read what Mark felt or what he was thinking. Some moments, he felt like he was with his best friend. Sometimes, he thought he was with a stranger. He nodded to Mark, opening the glove compartment and pulling a silencer out. He quickly screwed it to the top of his 9mm and concealed the gun. Mark left the car first, Tae following after him. The chirp of the doors locking alerted him to inhale and to be stone faced.

The two walked to the door of the terra cotta colored house. Mark knocked slowly and a shuffling sound inside grew louder. The lock clicked, and a short man answered the door. His cheeks were sunken in, his brown hair askew as he scratched his head. The look in his eyes were lost, almost as if he was in another world. He wore a dingy black shirt, and jeans that looked like they needed a few cycles in the wash. Sweat and cinnamon filled Mark's nose, and he reminded himself to stop staring and to say something.

"Are you Park Jimin?"

The young man in front of them nodded, still lost in his own mind. He scratched his neck and let the two inside. Mark followed Jimin into the living room, Taehyung making sure to go through protocol. He locked the doors, letting his feet shuffle through the dirty clothes and trash carefully. Mark and Jimin walked towards the living room, Mark sitting across from the young man. Taehyung closed any blind or curtain that he could find. He let the conversation in the room sink into his ears, he had heard this same conversation many times. Different in every situation, but the ending was the same.

"Boss man says you haven't paid him for the last two months. Says you haven't returned the supplies either. " Mark crossed his legs as he spoke, Tae inspected the room.

"Oh." Jimin's eye twitched slightly.  Hands balled into fists, his eyes never leaving Mark's gaze.

Mark pulled his gun out, leaving it on the table. His subtle approach was what Taehyung admired. He knew Mark was annoyed. He could just shoot the boys brains out, clean up and call it a day. Honestly, their boss would enjoy that better. Mark liked the buildup, he liked watching everything unfold into a beautiful mess. He knew, and Tae knew that Jimin wouldn't leave the house alive. Mark liked a little suspense every now and then. Tae wasn't one to deny him a little fun.  

"Look, Jimin. We're ordered to come back with whatever you haven't used up, or your body in a bag. We can make this easy, or we can make this hard. "

Taehyung's eyes stopped at a menagerie of picture frames on the wall. Family pictures, one of Jimin in a graduation outfit. He concluded this was a family home. Looking back at the disheveled state of the home, he concluded that it was once a family home. The conversation became background noise, in his periphery he could see Jimin walking out the room for a moment and coming back with a reusable shopping bag.  

In a faded brown frame, Jimin wore a black tuxedo. He held onto a smaller girl, a corsage on her wrist. Taehyung wondered what Prom would have been like if he went. Instead he ditched and drove to the abandoned drive in theater with Mark and talked about what they would do after senior year. He got lost in the old memory. Rusty pillars, and shining stars. Empty bottles of beer and drunken kisses. A confession and lost virgintiy. Somewhere in the depths of his heart he wished he could stay in that memory. He touched the old picture of Jimin, wondering if Jimin could go back to this moment, would he.

"That's all that's left."

Jimin's words brought Taehyung back to earth, his attention going to the two men in the living room. Mark was looking into the bag, counting the drugs. Taehyung knew if Mark was counting that slow, it must be a large amount that was missing. All Tae knew was Jimin was a dealer for their boss, and he slipped off the radar recently. He looked at Jimin, tears laced in the corners of his eyes. Mark sat back down and shrugged. He looked dissatisfied, and it was probably for show.

"Well, where the other half? You were given more than that, and from what we know you didn't sell any of it. " Mark said, his eyes meeting Taehyung's for a moment. Tae got into position behind Jimin.

Jimin lifted his hands up, a half hearted laugh coming out of his mouth. "I'm not sure." The sarcasm in his voice wasn't missed, a tear falling down his cheek. He sighed, his elbows resting on his knees as his fingers interlocked each other.

"Look whatever you're gonna do, just do it. I'm tired of living."

Mark leaned his head to the side, clicking his tongue. "That's pathetic. " He looked at Tae, nodding into him. "Tae, call it in."

Tae pulled his phone out, taking the cue. He watched Jimin's shoulders shake, soft cries filling the room. He called his boss, waiting for the ring. As the first ring finished, he swiftly took his gun out and lined it up with the back of Jimin's head. "I'm sorry Mom.." Jimin whispered. The second ring went off. Taehyung cocked the gun and pulled the trigger. Someone picked up, a sigh being heard on the other side. "Is it done?" The familiar voice wasn't their boss, but his second hand man, Kai.

"Yes sir. " Taehyung answered. Tae was nothing but professional with the higher ups. He left conversations and small talks to Mark.

"Stiff as usual, Taehyung. Alright, clean up and bring the body with you. You got two hours. "

"Yes sir." Taehyung hung up. When he looked up from his call, Mark was pulling the car into the garage. He watched the limp body that laid on the couch lifeless. The last words he said replayed in his head. Those words weren't foreign to him, whispering them as he drifted to sleep more nights than he liked to admit. Mark walked into the room with a black bag and cleaning supplies. Tae helped him get the body in the bag, spilling as little blood as possible on the floor. Mark had no trouble looking at the dead body, but he felt the guilt grow in his stomach. Tae never looked at the faces of his kills, it was too haunting for him.  

"You wanna clean up while I pack it in?" Taehyung asked, watching Mark slip on latex gloves. Mark nodded and grabbed a spray bottle. He didn't say anything much to Tae since this morning. Since they were working, Tae knew better than to bring up personal stuff during business.  Mark looked as if he was in a different place, but as Taehyung dragged the body bag out the garage door, He gazed at him. Mark felt the uneasy feeling bubble in his stomach, and realized he was feeling regret. Sunday, 12:30pm

"What are you thinking? " Taehyung asked, watching Mark drive with one hand gripping the steering wheel. The empty highway rolled out for the both of them, the stale humid air creating discomfort. Mark groaned and tilted his head, his other hand unbuttoning a button on his shirt.

"I'm thinking about the drive-in. " He murmured, a smirk growing on his face.

The empty parking lot where they still showed movies back home in Washington. It was the first place Taehyung met Mark Tuan. It was a part time job he took in the summertime. A wonderful place filled with chipped paint, friendly mosquitoes and damp dirt. In rain or shine, day or night, Mark Tuan would drive up in his busted down silver Cadillac and lean over to Taehyung, asking him for a ticket to the first movie that his eyes laid on. Sometimes he brought girls. Sometimes guys. Mostly guys. After the tickets were bought and the five or six attendees were parked, snacked up and settled, Taehyung would roll the dusty films into the projectors.

"What was the first movie we kissed at?" Tae asked, looking over at his partner. In his eyes, and his question, he was searching for some last confirmation. Some hope that he wouldn't regret ever falling for Mark Tuan.

He shrugged, his hand gripping the wheel as he took exit 6. His tongue licked his bottom lip, a sigh escaping his mouth. "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

At least he got it right. "That's right." Taehyung said, not impressed the least bit.

"What's with the pop quiz? Not everything is about you, Tae."

The indifferent tone in Mark's voice sparked a match, and Taehyung found himself yelling at him.

"Nothing is about me, Mark! You wanted to come to this hot ass town, you wanted to trust some shady guy in a black suit with a wad of cash, even if that meant killing people."

Mark's fingers grabbed the pack of red newports off the dashboard, placing it to his lips. As he drove off the exit his teeth bit down on one and threw the pack back on the dusty dashboard. The dust lingered in the air, Mark's car speeding up down the streets. He forgot about the dead man in his trunk, he tuned out Taehyung's vents. Taehyung was tired, Mark was tired. Mark felt bile growing in his throat everytime Taehyung smiled at him. In the grand scheme of things, Mark knew he was selfish. He loved Tae, and he wanted him to himself. He didn't care what Taehyung wanted. He fished a lighter out of his pocket, lit his cigarette and drove. He let Taehyung yell, slam the dashboard. Do anything to get his attention. As they drove into the parking lot of their rundown hotel room, the burning heat of his cigarette reaching his lips, He screeched to a halt. The volume in Mark’s mind began to rise, his breathing steadied. As the cigarette stung his lips, spitting the butt out the window, Taehyung’s voice finally reached him.

”Why do you love me one moment, and hate me the next? Why don’t you just shoot me and give the boss two bodies, huh?”

Mark let the tense air in the car grow and suffocate the both of them. Taehyung’s breathing was heavy and erratic. His large hands trembled and he swore if Mark stayed any more quiet, he’s strangle him. Then he really wouldn’t be able to talk. Instead of an answer, he unlocked the doors, throwing the car keys in Tae’s lap. Mark got out of the car, walking towards the sunset. Walking towards the city of flashing lights.

Sunday, 9:40pm

The Vegas strip was full of liars, clowns, and the wrong kind of people. As the moon rose and let the sun sleep, Mark found the closest thing to home in this city. The bright neon colors burned his eyes, but after a few swigs of Gin, he felt euphoric. The lights led him to a small bar. The brick building stood between a cigar shop and a casino, a bright yellow sign with a word he couldn’t make out. Downing what was left of his small bottle, he threw the bottle on the ground, the shattering sound making him jump.

Inside the mystery bar, smoke cloaked the air. He inhaled, the familiar smell of cannabis and cigarettes relaxed him, slumping into a bar stool. The bartender walked over to him, his slightly sunken eyes twinkling as he handed Mark a martini glass.

”You look like you need to get fucked up.” He said, his plump lips growing into a wry smile.

”Just trying to run away from the demons til the morning.” Mark murmured, nodding a thanks and downing the drink. He fisted his pocket, throwing a few hundreds on the counter.  “If you wanna help out I’d appreciate you, man.”

”The names Daehyun.” He grinned, grabbing the money and walking off. “Manhattan, and keep em coming?”

”Sounds good.” Mark nodded once again, his eyes wandering around the bar.  Alternative rock music filled the air, patrons lounging in the plush seats bordering the bar, some dancing in the center. Bodies pressed against each other, sweat dripping down salty skin. The lust was as thick as the smoke. His mind drifted to a simple thought. Taehyung would find this place fun. Daehyun slid the glass gently on the table and Mark drank it down. He didn’t need to think about Taehyung, not right now. The fight this afternoon was in the back of his mind. The words he really wanted to say. I don’t hate you… I just-

A loud laughter cut through his thoughts, and a young man ended up in the seat next to him. His raven hair was a short bob, heart shaped lips that begged to be devoured. His face was almost angelic, almost dangerous. He grinned towards Daehyung, the bartender leaning over to hear the attractive boy.

”Dae~ Buy me a drink. I’ve only had six. “ He mewled into Daehyun’s ear. He didn’t seem the slightest bit drunk, and Mark loved a guy who could hold his liquor.

”Youngjae…” Daehyun’s plump lips curved into a smile and he leaned back. “You’re know you’re like my brother, but I’m not gonna enable you. Find a nice guy or girl and charm your way into one.”

Youngjae pouted, his lips looking so sweet and inviting. Before Mark could think it through he was telling Dae to give him a drink on him. It was the perfect catalyst to get Youngjae’s attention. They exchanged pleasantries and asked what they other was doing. The two said nothing, but knew otherwise. Underneath Youngjae’s black mesh shirt, Mark could see a bruise on his ribs. Youngjae mentioned Mark’s dark rings under his eyes. When he got those, he didn’t know. A few drinks later, Youngjae and Mark were thigh to thigh. Youngjae murmuring to Mark, as if he was telling him a secret.

”You know you’re kinda cute.” He said, smirking as his eyes wandered to the exposed skin on Mark’s shirt.

”You know I’m kinda drunk.” He replied, his toothy grin slipping into another glass of bourbon and aromatic bitters.

”Who isn’t? Everyone is drunk on something. You’re drunk on alcohol, Dae on money, Me..well.”

”On attention.”

Mark’s response broke the spell for a slight moment. The look on Youngjae’s face was as if he was caught. As if he regretted something. It felt familiar.

Why don’t you just shoot me and give the boss two bodies, huh?

His hand reached out and squeezed Youngjae’s thigh, a shiver running down his spine as Mark bit his lip.

”Come with me  and I’ll show you how drunk I am.”

Sunday 11:11pm

The brick building scratched against Youngjae’s back as Mark crashed his lips into his dark haired angel. His hands gripped the slender waist, their tongues dancing against each others. He loved the taste of alcohol and drugs on Youngjae’s tongue. It was an alien taste from toothpaste and caramel taste of his lover. His lips left soft kisses on Youngjae’s cheek, trailing down to his neck. He noticed a healing scar across his neck, it was too dim in the club to actually see the details. Mark didn’t want details. He disregarded it, and bit into his neck. Mark’s hand skillfully unzipped Youngjae’s jeans and slid them down with his boxers. Youngjae’s voice was a chorus of moans and curses, his erection bouncing in the air as Mark’s hands roamed his exposed skin. The softness made Mark growl, he wanted to take this beautiful thing he had found and make it suitable for this town.

”Turn around.” Mark ordered.

Youngjae, stumbling in the pool of his clothes, turned around. He bent over, stroking his erection as his ass stuck up in the air. This stranger, taking him like this, made a warmth burn in Youngjae’s chest. He loved being used, even if he didn’t admit it to himself. Mark spitted in his hand, smearing and lubing his fingers. He pressed one against his warm hole, earning a loud whine from Youngjae. His nails dug against the wall, Mark slowly entering his asshole. Inch by inch, Youngjae’s cock twitched. His mewls made Mark chuckle deep in his throat, going faster and adding a second finger. Youngjae backed up into his fingers, the rising feeling in his stomach becoming more prominent. He wasn’t new to this, and Mark welcomed the experience. He took his fingers out, smacking his cute ass. Youngjae giggled, wiggling his ass for a moment. Unzipping his pants and pulling out his cock, he lined it up against his new friend.

”Beg.” He said, rubbing his redden tip against Youngjae, coating his hole in pre cum.

”Please…please Mr. Mark. Please fuck me. I’m all yours, I’m your fucking bitch. Just shove your cock inside me. Oh god I need this, I need- “ a loud moan cut him off as the cock stretched his opening. Mark bit down into his lip and he inched more into him. He was so warm, and so tight. Mark missed sex. He missed fucking the ever living shit out of Taehyung. Blow jobs were nice, but it wasn’t anything compared to fucking. That mop of bleached hair, the sexy groans he made.

He pulled out and shoved his cock back into Youngjae, and began thrusting into him at a moderate pace. He felt warm growing inside him, chasing his orgasm. Mark grabbed a fistful of black hair, pulling Youngjae’s arm behind him. If he didn’t cum, he wasn’t going to let him.

He held onto his forearm, slamming his cock in slow harsh strokes into Youngjae. He was in utter ecstasy. One hand pulling his hair, the other pulling his arm. This was the feeling he came to the bar for. He needed to be used by someone, anyone.

Mark quickened his pace, shutting his eyes. As stars danced across his vision he released Youngjae, gently grabbing his waist as he came inside him, pumping more cum into him with every sloppy thrust. He froze, letting the boy beneath him catch his breath for a moment. As he was coming to, Mark swerved him around. With his back pressed against the wall, He grabbed a handful of Youngjae’s erection, pumping the hard flesh. He watched Youngjae’s tired, overspent face, his moans rising and falling. Then, a sudden warning.

”Ah, fuck. I’m gonna cum.. Mr. Mark I’m gonna-”

It could have been the alcohol, but watching Youngjae’s cum shoot onto his hand was mesmerizing. It was warm and opalescent. He was lost in how much was spilled, he hadn’t seen that much in so long. Not since he left Washington.

Youngjae got on his knees, holding Mark’s hand and licking every drop off of it.

Then the silence settled in. Youngjae got dressed quickly. He didn’t have anywhere to go, but he could never keep anyone waiting. When his gaze met Mark’s, he was frozen. Mark stuffed himself into his pants and patted Youngjae’s shoulder.

”That was fun, gotta come here more often. “ He walked towards the outer alley, giving a chaste wave to his temporary friend.

Into the street, and down the strip Mark ran a hand through his hair. A sudden pain in his chest appeared. So this is what cheating felt like. Mark began to blend in more and more. Hiding more secrets, more than he could handle. But underneath the neon lights, who could care? He smirked to himself, as a sudden thought entered his mind.

Taehyung would care.

[allymalinenko]

“I used to hate playing Seattle shows.” – Chris Cornell

This was the first thing I saw as the captain told us we were beginning our descent to SeaTac International Airport.

It had been a harrowing flight. Long. Hot (especially in that lymphodema sleeve). And full of turbulence. I hate turbulence on any flight but each bump on this plane called back the man in line behind me at the Delta counter in JFK, just hours before, that collapsed and had a massive seizure. There’s really no way for me to properly talk about the effect this had on me or the reactions of people nearby or the experience for this man so I’m just going to leave it at that.

When we finally landed in Seattle and existed the airport, there was Mt. Rainer, and the moon, just cutting up the sky together. During our duration, it never looked nearly as clear or as majestic. I grew up in Hudson Valley. I thought we had mountains. We did not have mountains. Not like this.

It was late and as New Yorkers felt even later by the time we were able to grab some noodles and collapse into bed.

We had breakfast the next morning at the Five Points Cafe

Originally opened in 1929 it is the oldest bar in Belltown and the longest running family owned eatery in Seattle. It also serves a plate of hash browns bigger than my head. It was fantastic. (Except on the second visit at the end of the trip when my waiter who is clearly a MONSTER served me English Breakfast when I clearly asked for Earl Grey because as we all know, English Breakfast tastes like it was run through my grandmothers socks. I will never forgive nor forget this monster.)

One of the most touristy but still genuinely awesome places in Seattle is Pike’s Market.

If you’re wondering why this sounds familiar it’s because this is where they throw the fish around. You’ve seen the videos. Yes, I watched them throw the fish. I don’t have any photos because there were a million and people and it was hard to catch (Ha!) but also because ew, fish.

Ew.

They also sell these huge bouquets of flowers crazy cheap. I’m talking $10 cheap. If I lived there I would Mrs. Dalloway that shit every single day. I mean look at these:

Pike Market was sneakily much bigger than I expected. There are LEVELS within LEVELS. They have a magic shop in this place. I’m not kidding. I haven’t seen trick gum for sale anywhere in decades.

Behind Pike Market is the gum wall. But Ally, you ask, what’s a gum wall?

THIS IS A GUM WALL:

and to Gum Wall’s defense it should actually be called a Gum Alleyway because it just keeps on going

Then, being that we were in Seattle we did exactly what you think we’d do. We went to find the apartment building from Singles and Kurt Cobain’s house.

Don’t judge me!

The building from Singles is located in a super adorable area called Capital Hill. While adorable this is a misnomer. It should be called “Capital Mountain” or “Capital You Need A Tow Rope To Get Up This Bitch” or maybe “Capital You’re Dead Now”

Because this was seriously steep shit. I’m talking 18% grade steep. Some of them just turn INTO STEPS. Like, screw your car, it’s mountain climbing time!

For instance let’s look at this image I found online. This is Denny Way which we talked. Do you see the parts where it levels off and then it’s all mountain again? It’s like a giants staircase!

I walked UP that. And it was really hot too. Figures I wind up in Seattle when they’re in the 90’s.

Anyway, we found the Singles apartment. Being a 90’s girl this movie was on a constant rotation with Reality Bites. I could probably act it out.

The apartments are located at 1820 E. Thomas Street and yes (minus the fountain which they added) it looks exactly the same.

“I was just no where NEAR your neighborhood”

Then we headed back down to Lake Washington to find where Cobain lived…and well, died. It felt strange. I’m not going to lie. I’ve found lots of artists homes and graves and what not over my traveling years but I don’t think I’ve ever been to a place that was so tragic and so important in my own life.

The walk out there is gorgeous. The lake is gorgeous. To get to Kurt’s road you go down little winding wooden steps.

You wouldn’t even know you were only a few miles from where Pearl Jam used to rehearse back in Belltown

And I couldn’t help but wonder as we crested the hill that was Viretta Park that is right along the property if maybe that was part of the problem. All I know is that the Denny-Blaine neighborhood looked alot different than Belltown or Capital Hill.

In Viretta Park is a makeshift memorial – a bench that has been graffittied. When we were there someone had left flowers.

From there you can see just the top of the house. It was sad and solemn and I felt a bit like maybe I shouldn’t have come.

To offset that feeling, we headed up to Fremont (via bus cause you can’t walk and also because at this point I COULDN’T walk. Damn hills. I’m so old).

Fremont is a very cool neighborhood full of record stores and cool restaurants but more so it’s got this:

This is the Fremont Troll and in case you couldn’t tell, he lives under the bridge. He’s big.

Like climb on him big

(Dear god, we have sunburns in September in Seattle because of global warming.)

Down the road is a giant statue of Lenin with a red hand. Interpret that as you will

But as I was saying we came over to Fremont for something else too. Something Kurt.

This is Reciprocal Recording Studios. 

This little tiny shack has quite a history. A band called Ted Ed Fred wanted to record here because Soundgarden recorded Screaming Life. Ted Ed Fred would soon change their name to Nirvana. In this little space they recorded their first demo on January 23, 1988. They had no drummer at the time, just Cobain and Novoselic so they borrowed the drummer from the Melvins. Jack Endino recorded and mixed ten songs. Two would go on to be on Bleach. Endino kept a copy which he brought to SubPop which landed Nirvana their first record deal.

I stood in front of the door thinking how excited they must have been when it was all starting out. I tried to make that memory burn brighter than that bench or that dusty park or that peaked roof of that mansion.

Just down the road from Fremont is the Gas Works Park

It’s really cool with an incredible view:

And we stopped into Linda’s a couple of times and had some pints of cider. This was the last place Kurt was seen alive.

And yes of COURSE we did the Space Needle. Which I should get a few snaps for because this girl is afraid of heights. You should have seen me walking across the George Washington Bridge one time. I nearly made my peace with having to live in Jersey forever.

It’s so tall

But I was cool about it.

My hands down favorite thing we did in Seattle was easily the Museum of Pop Culture

This place was incredible. First off every exhibit was cool. Every. Single. One.

There was a fantasy one that had…..

Dorothy’s dress

Yeah that’s the witch’s hat

Oh just Princess Buttercup and Westley and Indigo’s gear No biggie.

What’s that you say? Oh yes that IS all the weapons from Lord of the Rings.

Susan Pevensie’s bow and arrow. I’m screaming!

The White Witch’s ice crown

And then there was the Bowie by Mick Rock exhibit

Mick was Bowies photographer from 1972-1973 and he captured some of the most iconic images from the Ziggy Stardust years. He told his manager that Mick seems him as he sees himself.

Mick also took these:

Hang on cause we’re JUST getting started with this museum.

Then they had the Jim Henson Experience. I had recently been to the Museum of Moving Image and seen their now permanent Henson exhibit which I loved but I was delighted to learn that many of my favorites were currently at MoPOP.

They even let you make a little video of you working as a puppeteer. I forgot to make my dude turn to the other camera so that’s why there are blank spaces! All the same, if this librarianship thing doesn’t work out I think I might have some options.

<p><a href=”https://vimeo.com/235594692″>seattle 068</a> from <a href=”https://vimeo.com/user50279965″>ally malinenko</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>

Okay I just re-watched that and it was pretty terrible. I take it back. I have no future in puppeteer.

And some from his movies too!

And Jareth’s outfit and Sarah’s dress from the ballroom scene in Labyrinth

Then, because we’re still not done with MoPOP they had a Star Trek exhibit!

and a science fiction one, which according to the website had Doctor Who props. So I go in figuring they’ll be small stuff, like maybe K9 but no. There was this:

CYBERMAN!

And this:

Yes they had an actual Dalek and I just about lost my mind.

They also had Mork’s outfit, a jawa, the ghostbuster’s pack and hoverboards from Back to the Future!

We also went down to the International District which is home to the Uwajimaya Market which served the best Udon chicken soup of my life. I burned every layer off my tongue and it was worth it. The whole area is really pretty.

There was also a lot of information about Japanese Seattle residents and the internment camps in 1942. 127,00 people were imprisoned, more than half of whom were American born citizens.

And just like that the week was up and we were heading home, home, home.

Thanks for a lovely time, Seattle. I’m sure I’ll be back.

Peace, Love and Starbursts,

Ally

Seattle: The Emerald City "I used to hate playing Seattle shows." - Chris Cornell This was the first thing I saw as the captain told us we were beginning our descent to SeaTac International Airport.

[mishallaneously]

Hi Nathalie! I'm going to be soloing it in Seattle for a couple of days next month and was wondering if you have any suggestions of where to go/the best ways to get around. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you and hope all is well!

i’m so sorry this has taken me almost 3 week to get to but let’s see. 

Seattle Must Sees… hm

welcome to 

Nathalie’s Unofficial and Last Minute Guide to Seattle

the Obvious: 

Pike Place Market: see them throw the fish, take a pic in front of the first starbucks but don’t wait in line cause there are 8 within walking distance that sell the same stuff, eat a pierogi and pierogi pierogi or some mac n cheese at beechers, see the gum wall, get a pizza at the alibi room next to the gum wall, buy some produce or just sample the produce, ooh also get yogurt at Ellenos (get a walkaround of marion berry pie it’s the bees knees)

Seattle Center: This is where the Space Needle is!! if it’s a nice day this is a lovely park to go to there’s a huge fountain! in this area you will find the aforementioned space needle ( he is the love of my life) which you don’t really need to go up cause lbr the view isn’t that great he’s not the tallest boy out there, the Chihuly glass museum which is rad if you like art and siqqq blown glass i rec that hard, and the Pacific Science Center which is nice, there’s an imax there but don’t see a movie there cause i have a better suggestion (MORE ON THAT LATER) also the EMP shit i mean the MoPOP

for VIEWS: 

Columbia Tower: this is where you’ll get the best view of everything, it’s the tallest building in the city! you can pay to go up OR you can use the women’s bathroom on the top floor and get sick views for free

Kerry Park: one of the most photographed views of seattle, she’s a sexy one, it’s on Queen Anne and parking can be a bitch sometimes but worth the shot you’ll get. also if you like greys anatomy meredith grey’s house is like a block from here

Smith Tower: first skyscraper in sea-town and u can go up the top where there’s a speakeasy and you can walk around outside. it costs money but it’s rad, i went before i was 21 so i didn’t sample the booze so i can’t attest to how good the drinks are

Volunteer Park: this is in Cap Hill and it’s lovely and green and you can see all of downtown even the lil space needle pokin his head up. there’s this water tower you can climb up and it has some unique views. if you do this, i recommend stopping at Hello Robin before hand and picking up a couple of cookies and some 2% milk to be enjoyed as you take in the Sights! (hello robin is a cookie place in cap hill that is delicious, you can get straight up cookies or a cookie ice cream sandwich with molly moons ice cream in it) ((i recommend trying a Macklesmore cookie))

Gasworks Park: this is over the bridge across the montlake cut and lake union in wallingford, if you’ve seen 10 Things I Hate About You it’s where they play paintball. but it’s an old abandoned oil refinery (i think?) that was turned into a park and there’s a lovely view of seattle across the water, also if you trek up the hill ( Kite Hill ) u can see even more and maybe have a picnic. A great place to watch the sunset! 

Alki Beach: also notable, this is in West Seattle so you get a different view. P nice beach but West Seattle is kinda deep if you don’t have your own transportation. If you do make it out there, definitely check out Easy Street records. 

To Do: 

shopping!!!: loads of places are based in seattle like nordstrom and REI so if you’re hankering for some retail those stores are huuuuge. also thrifting is huge in seattle (this notion popularized by the macklermore ofc), aside from value village and good will you can find some top notch thrifting locations all around with some googling. fremont and capitol hill are good neighborhoods to look!

hikes: idk if you’re going to have time or if you like nature but the pnw has some of the best hikes, definitely do a google search about what’s near by and what you could feasibly get to if you’re interested

tours: ok so the Duck Tours are kinda controversial cause they’ve killed some people before but it’s a great way to see the city. you can also do a Float Plane tour or a water tour of seattle that are both rad as well. I’ve also heard good things about the underground tour but have never done it. 

Museums: the SAM is right downtown and is good for art, if you’re there on the first thursday it’s free but that already passed so i fucked that up for you. there’s also the SAM Olympic Sculpture Park that’s totally FREE and is outside and lovely. other than that we’ve got the Pacific Science Center which i mentioned and the MoPOP: the recently renamed Museum of Pop Culture. If you’re on tumblr and you follow me i think that might be a top choice for ya cause it covers a ton of sci fi shows and movies as well as music and it’s pretty dope if i do say so

Catch a movie at the Seattle Cinerama!!!!: do this pls i work here and it’s honestly one of the happiest places in seattle. We’re currently showing Guardians of the Galaxy 2 !!! go to the cinerama get some mixed regular & chocolate popcorn, if you’re of age get a drink, and tell them you’re Nathalie’s friend and they’ll give it to you for free. it’s a state of the art movie theater and i love it tell them i said hi pls

Kayak on Lake Union: if you find yourself in the University District there’s this place you can rent kayaks if it’s warm enough/nice enough called Agua Verde, they also have good Mexican food!

smoke weed legally: self explanatory, find a dispensary, weed is cheap, smoke a joint in my honor 

To Eat: 

I’ve mentioned a few things but can’t hurt to do some other stuff

Tacos Chukis in Cap Hill are the best tacos I’ve ever had and I’m from LA 

Dicks: a drive-in burger that’s a Seattle staple and must have, get a shake too

((Other good burgers: Rain City Burgers in Roosevelt, Lil Woody’s in Cap Hill/Ballard, Red Mill Burger on Phinney Ridge, probably more))

The Pink Door: downtown in Post Alley right next to Pike Place is my favorite restaurant and the creators of the best lasagna i’ve ever had. go there for ambiance and italian food that will leave ur tummy warm and satiated. it’s about to reopen after being remodeled for the last couple of months so go christen it for me. ALSO they do burlesque shows there and other types of live performances

there’s so much other food i’m too lazy to talk about it. honestly, as much as i hate their reporting style and superior-than-thou attitude, you should check out The Stranger. it’s a weekly newspaper (if u can call it that) and they have a “things to do” section that never fails me. 

other than that! go blow my house a kiss in the U District, tour the UW campus, see the Fremont Troll, take a ferry to bainbridge, tour the theo chocolate factory, get in a protest, pet a cat at a cat cafe, who knows seattle is the best i love her dearly

if any seattleites follow me and have additional recs feel free to share

[melmakessprites]

A deluge of bone hurting juice (2016-17 update)

Ahhh!!! *looks around* AHHH!!! *hides in a cave* Here. You can come in here and talk to me if you keep your voice down…

What’s been going on huh? We just finished up Rose City Comic Con. Numbers were significantly lower than last year, mainly attributed to the current local natural disasters (half of my state was set on fire) and the disaster that was this year’s layout…But that’s not what I want to write about today. Nah. We do conventions all the time now. I want to talk about ME. As some of my followers might have noticed, I’ve been a bit more…outspoken…some have even been so brash as to call me an angry woman. Well, let me tell you about all of the bullshit that I’ve had to deal with in the last year or so before you get your little panties in a twist.

I’ve been surrounded by death and loss since about April of 2016…

It was around that time that I had just broken off from an intimate relationship, and then about week after that, my mentor died in a sudden heart attack the week before my first gallery show. I was devastated from multiple angles. I thought I could handle it, but what I thought was letting go was really stuffing emotions down…That summer I got very sick when I stayed with a friend (see other update post) and fell into a very deep depression for a very long time….and then the elections happened. There were riots in the streets in my neighborhood. The protests are still going on and I no longer feel safe traveling alone sometimes, on my own streets.

Around November I had to face another fact - there were people in my life that were toxic and needed to be cut out if I were to progress with my own work, personal life and development. I found that some of my friends weren’t really my friends at all and that some of my male friends don’t know what the fuck consent is. I’m still recovering from what that implies.

In February we had a huge falling out with one of the larger shows of the year that we usually do because they lied to us and treated us like shit. We will never do a Wizard World show ever again. Fuck ‘em. They don’t give a shit about the people they work with, and they certainly don’t give a fuck about artists.

Then in April of this year (2017) I fell sick again. This time, while I was out of town at a show. Sakura Con in Seattle. I had to go to ER while I was out there. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be wheeled out through an audience of several thousand fans and cosplayers to an ambulance? Truly, a nightmare come to life! We had trouble with their staff too, but that’s posted elsewhere. As soon as I came back to Portland, I was still puking my brains out and had to go to the ER again. They did an ultrasound on me and I had a gallstone the size of a large marble that needed to be removed immediately. I barely even remember going to the hospital or being barely awake to sign the consent forms for the surgery. I was riddled with anxiety and exhaustion. And in all honesty, I was in so much pain that I just wanted to die at that moment. But I didn’t, and I woke up in the maternity ward because they were out of beds in the regular hospital so I had a nice big room with a window and a view. Silver linings I guess? I barely had time to recover as I was just getting through show 2 of 10 weeks of shows in a row. That month a friend of mine, of 15 years, totally fucked up and I had to let him go too. HOLY SHIT. Can’t get much worse, right? Riiiiight…

In May I had to deal with a creepy stalker but my friends had my back on that one so it’s resolved as far as I’m concerned. Bitches get blacklisted. If that idiot comes anywhere near me, I won’t be afraid to defend myself….which is why I’m lucky I wasn’t on this train…In late May, I did Furlandia. I was traveling via public transit. On Friday May 26th as the shuttle from the Sheraton pulled up to the airport, an alarm was sounding and a message played over the loud speaker. We were made aware that someone, no, two people had been stabbed on the train. Later on we found out that they weren’t just stabbed, they were slain. Some white supremacist crazy guy was harassing a Muslim woman and two men were brave enough to stand up to him. He slashed both of their throats, and as I would find out later on, it was never reported on news outside much of Oregon. Or at least the people from out of town I spoke to had no idea it had happened. I know that media blackout is a thing that happens, but this is just horrible. I’m so lucky to not have been on that train. Had I left when I had originally intended to, I would have been, but I stayed around another 10 minutes in the lobby to make a sale and so barely missed the death train…

Most of the summer was spent catching up on show stock arts and crafts as well as trying to recover while making sure bills and everything are taken care of. It’s been hard for me to eat. My stomach is still recovering and I’m dealing with mild to severe nausea. Going to doctor’s appointments and therapy to work everything out. Then comes this trip in Arizona…

I’ve just spent the last 2 weeks busting my ass, hand-drawing a 30 page comic just to say that I could do it and I’m looking forward to some relaxing time. However, I went far past the healthy work threshold, and between the stress, exhaustion, and mental anguish, my body freaked out again. This would be one of my worst battles yet.

I flew in, got set up, and the first day went smoothly for the most part. Then friday evening, I got sick. I don’t think I’d eaten enough…maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the reminders of where I’d come from up to that point…whatever it was, by body wasn’t having it. I won’t go into too much detail but there was multiple panic attacks and screaming/sobbing in the hotel room, uncontrollable vomiting for several days while my body wasted away, there were two trips to the ER, some people on suicide watch, a missed flight, half a week in a piss poor institution that I had no place in being, and severely lost faith in humanity. What I took from it is this - I’m never doing another show in AZ again. Their health care system is fucking garbage. I’m still getting bills that they never even sent to my insurance company because they’re so goddamn bad at what they do. And after all that? STILL NO ANSWERS. Not about me, not about my health condition. I had to FIGHT my way OUT in order to catch my flight back home in time for the Eclipse. And because I’m a sick mother fucker like that, I ended up cosplaying Griffith at RCCC because who doesn’t love getting locked up only to emerge on the dawn of the eclipse?

Coming down off of all of the meds they force fed me was hell. Trying to eat again while still vomiting for days after my return was hell. You know what eventually got rid of the nausea? Soaking. Soaking in a hot hot hot tub. Just soaking…and sipping lots of water….and not puking…and soaking…and cold showers, and soaking…oh my god, why is my body trying to kill me?

Then this month we did RCCC, and numbers are down, but that’s the least of my worries. You know what else is the least of my worries? Stupid people bullshit. For instance, man-children on Twitter telling me what not to say/post. A recently received a message from a youtuber. Not saying any names, but it rhymes with Yorgen Blundersound. The poor child had the audacity to tell me how I ought to speak. And that the regular gifts I send to my art friends were not welcome. Then he proceeded to accuse me of some sort of aggressive promo shit. Listen child, I’ve been running this shit for several years before I was even aware of your misinformed ass. I’m an award winning designer, bitch, I don’t need your help. As far as sending people things, I do that shit all the time. It’s part of what makes art life fun, giving. You know what giving back to your community looks like, right? From here you look like a whiny little kid that doesn’t have his shit together and I would never work with such a temperamental, unprofessional, arrogant little shit like yourself. Congrats on just kind of being an ass I guess. ‘\’o’y

If you’ve made it through this entire thing, thank you for reading and congratulations and understanding why I’ve given so very little fucks nowadays. My life has been full of bone hurting juice. I’m sure things will get better, but please be patient with me as I recover. And if you’re someone in my life who’s only around for the good times, be prepared to get dropped like a hot beat.

I missed the deadline for the Crafty Wonderland winter show, so I won’t be there. We will definitely be at OMSI next weekend for the Mini Maker Fair, and next month we have Portland Retro Gaming Expo. See you there!

ps. i’m adding more jewelry to the etsy shop this week and am looking for a gallery spaces to host my work. Contact me if interested. Thanks.

[officialydonefanfiction]

Split Across the Continents Chapter #7

Unit J HQ Sophie finished her shower slowly, mulling over what Sam Jones had said. Major missions like this were quite rare for someone her age as they were usually delegated to the older and more experienced agents, then again, Sophie’s last mission had record breaking effects as she had handled it far beyond the parameters of what was expected which had ended with her saving the lives of almost a hundred people directly and several thousand indirectly. It had gone so well that she had been promoted to a rank normally held by the fifteen to sixteen year old agents. Not much came with this promotion apart from bragging rights and on occasion the better missions. Benjamin’s last mission had been a partial success but his epic failure in the fitness department had prevented any type of promotion. After her promotion, Sophie had rubbed her promotion in his face so much that Benjamin hadn’t spoken to her for days until they were forced to go to Wales. Karma’s a bitch was the last thing that Sophie thought before her phone rang for the second time that day. “Hi Sophie, it’s Elaine.” Sophie internally groaned at this. Elaine was her handler, essentially a mixture between parental figure, social worker, teacher, and a huge pain in the ass. She was the sort of woman who didn’t like her whole intelligence career being thrown away to act as a glorified form teacher but underneath that, Sophie guessed that she might actually care about her.

“Hi Elaine.” Sophie said carefully trying to predict the reason she was calling. She had done all her homework, she hadn’t failed the training exercise, she had been mean to Benjamin but then that wasn’t anything new. “We need to have a talk about your mission preparedness. You have only just returned from your last mission and before that was Level One training so your last solid month in school was almost six months ago.” Elaine continued as Sophie groaned. “But I can’t go round turning down missions… thats the whole reason I went through three months of hell to begin with!” Sophie exclaimed as she started to try to run a brush through her tangled mess of curls. “I am going to put you through academic assessment then if you pass, you will be deemed fit to go on this mission. But bear this in mind Sophie, you haven’t actually seen the mission dossier yet or had the briefing so you might turn it down anyway.” Sophie nearly laughed at this, nobody ever turned down a mission. It was as effective at shutting down your intelligence career as having your face on the front of the evening news. Nobody did that and hoped to be offered a place on a good mission. “Why do I have to do academic assessment? I was above everyone else my age anyway.” Sophie whined. “We train you to be the best you can be at everything. Six months away from school is bound to have had an impact and we need to assess it before you can be deemed mission ready.” Sophie made a face at this before hanging up. She was well aware that this wouldn’t help her case at all but she had just spent a weekend on a cold mountain, she was ready to be pissy.

“Good evening, Sophie,” The ever calm voice of Sam Jones radiated through his office. As one of the most senior mission controllers, Sam had one of the biggest offices and true to his nature it was tidy with little whale paper weights organizing everything. The old leather couches near the window fit right in with the old building aspect of HQ but the shiny Macbook with the adjoining screens around his desk contrasted so greatly that it made Sophie’s eyes hurt. Sam motioned for her to sit on one of the couches whilst he approached her with a shiny manilla folder bearing the name “Operation PixieDust” written on it. The name was so random that Sophie almost burst out laughing. Sam motioned for her to open it and as she did, a dossier with the same name fell out as well as some background reading. Her last mission had been thrown together last minute and she hadn’t had time to read a mission briefing but clearly this one had some more time behind it.

Mission Dossier for Sophie D. Please don’t remove this from Mission Preparation. A brief history of drug smuggling. Drug smuggling has been one of the largest and most difficult of all illegal activities to shut down since the signing of the International Opium Convention in 1912. Since then specialized task forces have been set up around the world to combat this with hundreds of major organized crime rings and gangs heading the distribution. Before the use of heroin was prohibited, it was commonly used as an aesthetic for surgeries with its derivative, morphine, still in common use today. It’s effects are powerful and combined with its deadly addiction, leaves its users completely under it’s control often leading them to steal from family, friends and have been known to commit murder in order to achieve their next high.

Andrew Henderson was born in the 1972 in North London to wealthy parents who founded their success on a small private airline called Henderson Air. He was described by his teachers to be intelligent, but easily distracted and they predicted a bright future for him if he was able to knuckle down. During his teenage years, Henderson was expelled after being caught selling cocaine to his peers at school. His drug test indicated that he was a fairly regular user. After completing rehab, Henderson attended sixth form college where he studies business, geography and mathematics achieving high grades in all of them. He was then later expelled from Bristol University after being caught yet again with cocaine in his room. After serving a brief prison sentence in 1993, Henderson dropped off the radar. Henderson resurfaced in 1999 when he was found to have known links to a cocaine smuggling gang that the leader, Rick Greyson, was arrested for in 2002. It is believed that Henderson escaped the initial wave of arrests and took over as leader and reestablished connections across the globe with Henderson smuggling drugs in at as many as 16 different ports in the UK. Police are unable to make any arrests due to inability to tie him to any crimes. Henderson changes burn phones every week and it is impossible to send any adult agents to infiltrate as Henderson will suspect them.

The American connection began when it appeared that AHG cocaine was being smuggled in to the US from the UK in the bags of school children on a school trip. AHG cocaine has since been found entering the US through ports as well as through the air. American DEA have since been investigating many other schools on the exchange program funded by AHG. So far, 20 schools within Washington DC, New York City, San Diego, Boston, and Seattle have been found to have AHG cocaine within them. AHG uses children as their dealers for several reasons as children receive lighter if any prison sentences, children have easy access to users and they are always on the lookout for ways to make extra cash.

The Unit J mission: In Washington DC, a navy officer was found to be murdered with his ten year old daughter having links to AHG. The Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS) believes that the murder of Lieutenant Marcus King is related to the DC gang of AHG and upon further questioning of his daughter Sarah King, Sarah admitted to having been threatened by AHG. Unit J agent Sophie's job is to infiltrate the DC gang of AHG and gather intel regarding the running of AHG within DC. She will be posing as Sophie Hayes, a ten year old girl who has been recently expelled from her British boarding school in the UK and instead is attending James Morgen Middle School where she will attempt to become involved with AHG. Sophie's history of expulsion should allow her to become more involved with AHG as her expulsion shows an ability to take risks. She will be living with two NCIS agents (to be determined) who will pose as her parents who will attempt to find out more about AHG from the adult perspective.

This mission has been classified as MEDIUM RISK as it involves close interaction with known violent gang members as well as involvement with drugs. There will be a mission controller working directly with NCIS in Washington DC but the agent should be advised that she will be working independently for the majority of the mission. Unit J agents are reminded that any voluntary Class A drug ingestion will cause for them to be expelled.

Sophie finished reading the mission briefing and looked up at Sam. “Why the hell is this mission called Operation PixieDust?” Sophie asked him trying to hide a grin. “It wasn’t mentioned in the briefing but we believe that the cocaine used, has a street name of pixie dust. The Americans thought it up, not me. Have you got any real questions about the mission?” Sam smiled sheepishly. “Do they know I’m a kid or are we going to spring it on them like last time?” Sophie asked remembering back to her previous mission. She had been staying with an Israeli Intelligence officer who hadn’t been told she was ten until she showed up at the front door. “They will shortly. I have already spoken to the head case agent, someone called Gibbs? Seemed like a miserable git but  you can’t always get the most positive ones. If you agree to the mission then we will probably fly out to DC in the next week or two.” Sam added. “Of course I’ll take the mission. I’ve never been to America before.”  Sophie smiled really hoping that she could skip her educational assessment before Elaine got on her case again. Sophie opened the folder and started to settle into some background reading, boring but essential, and started on the cold slice of pizza in Sam’s office. “Just one thing, Elaine has mentioned that you need to have an educational assessment. The american middle school you will be going to will be well below your usual standard so I will talk to Elaine and make sure that your normal school work will be sent with you to DC and you can try to catch up what you missed. This is likely to be a couple of months long so we can’t have you skipping school for that long.” Sophie groaned at that hoping that that memo had been lost. “Hey, it’s better than you being deemed unfit for missions over something as stupid as an educational assessment.” Sam chided. “I’ll do the stupid educational assessment.”

[junker-town]

Heartbreak and elation at the Westminster Dog show

A tail of two dogs’ journeys on the biggest stage of the year.

NEW YORK — Michael drove all the way from Alabama for this. Well, technically, Brandi Murray, the woman in a pearl-colored, sequined skirt suit running a hairbrush over Michael’s back drove him. Michael can’t drive, because Michael is a dog, and dogs don’t have opposable thumbs, which makes gripping a steering wheel difficult.

But Murray was more than happy to be the Finnish Lapphund’s chauffeur, because Michael’s big moment at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show in New York City on Monday was also Murray’s big moment: As his handler, she always has a vested interest in how brightly he shines.

So Murray brushed Michael near his little dog cubby, in the cavernous space of Pier 94 in Chelsea, as though he were a junior getting ready to go prom with a senior. She fussed over his tail, wondering out loud why it wasn’t standing up, then realized if she and Michael didn’t head over to Ring 7 immediately, they’d be late for the competition in which Michael had to prove to a judge that he was the most beautiful of all the Finnish Lapphunds.

The two of them took off, half-jogging over to the wide open expanse of green carpet where canine dreams of greatness either come true or shatter into a million pieces like a crushed-up dog bone.

I half-jogged along behind them. Murray looked back over her shoulder occasionally as she told me she’s been a handler for 18 and a half years. We dodged our way through the obstacle course of other dogs and similarly dressed handlers. Murray has seven Finnish Lapphunds, and she won “Best in Breed” in 2014 with a dog named Storm. She had high hopes for Michael, whom she started calling Michael once he was no longer a puppy; Michelangelo, his full name, just started to seem too long. I didn’t tell her that Michelangelo is a turtle name, not a dog name, because I didn’t want to be rude.

Now, forgive me if you’ve been to the Westminster dog show before and know all this, but I have to tell you what it feels like, as a dog person who hasn’t pet a dog in a while, to walk into a convention center filled with dogs. And not only dogs, but the best dogs, dogs that dog eugenics have deemed the most pure. The best comparison I can make is that it’s like that first really cold beer on a Friday afternoon at 4:30 after a long week. Or that bubbly happiness you get when you haven’t had a crush for a while and then go to a party and unexpectedly hit it off with someone. It is at once relief, comfort, and pure delight.

It is also very purple. Everything — the signage, the carpets, the lanyard my press pass came on — could pass for the trappings of a Prince tribute show. But, honestly, if you really want to know what a dog show is like, just watch Best In Show (a film widely regarded by film studies professors as the most brilliant cinematic masterpiece of all time). I can now confirm that it is spot on.

In my happily overwhelmed state, I lost Michael and Murray. I’d gotten sidetracked by the need to pet several other dogs and tell them how good they were, including a German Shepherd named Ridge and a foxhound named Jackson. I passed some dogs who resembled mops, a few who looked like they’d had their hair straightened, and one who looked like it were made of the tassels that come on graduation caps.

All the dogs I pet were very clean. You don’t realize how dirty most of the dogs your friends and family have until you pet one at a dog show.

The handlers at dog shows are all very neat and clean, too, and they all wear suits, I learned on Monday. I asked a handler standing next to a bunch of coonhounds if there was a dress code, and she said, “everyone wears their Sunday best, you know what I’m saying?” She also said that many of them like outfits with “bling,” because it sparkles on camera. The amount of sequins around me proved her point.

When I finally got to Ring 7, a steward was telling Michael and Murray, along with seven or eight other Finnish Lapphunds and their handlers, that “we’ll have the dogs head in, and then the bitches.” I didn’t laugh, even when he said, “okay, now let’s get the bitches in.”

The judge, whose name was Mr. Walter J. Sommerfelt, stood near the entrance to the ring, but I wasn’t allowed to talk to him, the steward said, because he had no time. He was very busy judging dogs.

I don’t totally understand how the judging of a dog show works, despite all the explanations I got from a few different handlers, but Mr. Walter J. Sommerfelt appeared to check the dogs’ teeth, grab their haunches, pinch their tails, and then watch them and their handlers run around the ring before ultimately awarding one dog “best in breed,” and then bestowing two others with second and third place.

But second and third place are not called second and third place; second place is called something that I can’t remember and that Google isn’t helping me find, and third place is called “select.” I learned this when one of the handlers, a 13-year-old named Emma Rodgers, corrected me after I congratulated her on her third place ribbon. She is a young lady who is going places.

While Mr. Walter J. Sommerfelt poked and prodded Michael and his competitors, I made friends with Bienna, a Norwegian Buhund, and her handler, Amy Mclaughlin, who were waiting to enter the ring for the next round of judging after the Finnish Lapphunds. Bienna and Mclaughlin were from Seattle, where Mclaughlin works for a guy who shows people’s dogs for them. But Bienna is Mclaughlin’s own personal dog and a four-time “Best in Breed” champion, a record for the American Kennel Club.

I was star-struck.

“What is it like to be a celebrity dog?” I asked the smallish, white dog.

Bienna stared at me with her mouth open, but I don’t speak Norwegian Buhund, so Mclaughlin had to translate.

“She says, ‘I love it,’” Mclaughlin said, looking at Bienna then at me. “This is her life. She absolutely adores it. She also says, ‘Mom, I love this. I love the show ring.’”

I realized I’d been neglecting Michael. I turned around and was dismayed to see a different Finnish Lapphund sitting in the middle of the ring next to a basket of big yellow flowers as Mr. Walter J. Sommerfelt handed it a “Best in Breed” certificate. A photographer took the not-Michael dog’s picture as someone behind it tossed a rubber chicken in the direction the dog was supposed to look for the photo, so that the dog would actually look in that direction.

The chicken squeaked as it landed on the ground. The shutter clicked. The flash went off.

Murray and Michael stood next to the ring. They hadn’t won anything, and Murray was upset because Mr. Walter J. Sommerfelt had looked at Michael for a long time, which is usually a good sign, but in this case was simply false hope. I asked how she felt.

“I just never know what they’re thinking,” Murray said in her Southern accent. “It is nerve-wracking. It’s a lot of anxiety.”

She laughed and then sighed. Michael jumped up on me.

“It’s a lot of needing Klonopin and Xanaz,” Murray continued. “I’m gonna go to the hotel, and have a early dinner, and take a couple drinks, and go to sleep. I gotta get up early, I have to go to Pittsburgh to pick something up, then I have to drive to North Carolina and pick up two clients before we go back to Alabama.”

I asked if the clients were dogs. Murray said they were. I pet Michael one last time, and then he and Murray left the ring. He smiled, blissfully unaware that he hadn’t won, because he is a dog.

Then I turned my attention back to Bienna, who Mclaughlin had already paraded around. Mr. Walter J. Sommerfelt was pointing at Bienna, and I realized he was awarding her “Best in Breed!” For the fifth time!

Mclaughin picked up Bienna and squeezed her, then put her down and headed to the middle of the ring for the requisite photo next to the basket of yellow flowers. Winning meant that Bienna and Mclaughling would be going on to the big event at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday night, where they’d compete for Best in Show. I thought of the greatness that lay ahead, and asked Mclaughlin how she felt.

“For Bienna, being only three months out of having puppies, and this being only her second show since September of last year?” Mclaughlin shook her head. “She showed like a rockstar.”

I asked if Bienna had a statement. Mclaughlin bent down to pet her, and, I’m guessing, listen to what she had to say.

“She says, ‘Thank you so much,” Mclaughlin translated. “Thank you, so much, to all my fans.”