#az health sucks

[surielstea]

Wedding Crasher

Based on this request.

Paring: Azriel x Fem!Reader (mates)

Summary: Reader is forced into an arranged marriage, and when the day of union comes it is interrupted by two familiar Illyrian warriors.

Warnings: Toxic relationship with parents | forced marriage | Azriel threatens a life | but pretty much all fluff <33

2.4k words.

My white dress hung heavy on my shoulders, my corset too tight, my heels already making my feet ache.

The plastered smile on my face hurt my cheeks, and the thorns in my bouquet prickled my sweaty palms. I released a shaky breath as the music of the string quartet began to play, an unmistakable tune meant for happy brides ready to walk down the aisle.

Which is what I was supposed to be, happy, ready. Heads turned in my direction and my back straightened, my brows creasing the slightest fraction.

My husband-to-be waited at the end of the walkway, his smile broad and malicious. My stomach churned.

I didn't want to be here, here on this beach getting married to some guy twenty years older all for an alliance my parents forced me into. My self-sovereignty for what? For a few pieces of gold and a minor title?

I took a steadying breath and began walking forward, keeping in rhythm to the strum of the music. The groom reached his hand out towards me, my own shook as I took it and he pulled me the rest of the way to the altar.

The officiant began the reading from his script, and with it, my ears began to ring, I tuned the priest out and my eyes fluttered closed. My fiancé's hands squeezed mine, not in a comforting manner, but a warning. I snapped my head up and looked at the officiant, I blinked at him with creased brows.

"Do you, take Rhen Talor to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do you part?" He repeated each word adding another pound of weight to my shoulders.

"I—" I look between the oblivious officiant and the groom, Rhen, to my parents who were watching with narrowed eyes. "I..." I wanted to say yes, I was going to say yes, but the pounding in my heart could be heard in my ears and I got the sneaking suspicion that I was about to vomit all over my white gown.

An unnatural wind blew my hair back as if nature itself was beckoning me to step away, to run.

I looked in the direction of the wind, my hands slipping from Rhen's as I spotted two towering, familiar winged figures in the distance and I realized the pounding in my ears was the beat of their wings.

The crowd murmurs at the intrusion as the two Illyrians casually stroll towards us, arrogance and power in each step.

"Excuse me for a moment," I say, gathering my skirts in my hands and rushing over to the two males as fast as I can in my heels that seemed determined to get stuck in the sand.

"What in the seven hells are you two doing here?" I seethe, looking at the fae warriors who were smiling at me with wicked amusement. Some part of me relaxed to feel anything besides fear and nausea, even if it was anger taking over.

"We're here to save you, what else?" The shadow singer arches a brow, dark shadows swirling up the pure white of my dress.

"I don't need anyone's saving, especially not two Carynthian warriors," I argue and Cassian snorts, taking in my appearance.

"I only came along because Az promised there'd be a buffet," The lord of bloodshed shrugged.

"Not for— this is wildly inappropriate, even for the two of you." I groaned but Cassian only continued walking, towards the guests that were scrambling away from the sight of his seven siphons. Leaving me and Azriel, our words drowned out by the crashing of the waves.

"You're too late. I already said I do," I cross my arms over my chest.

"Liar," He narrows his hazel eyes on me. "You know better than to try and fool me, Love, I could feel you tugging at the bond, you were in distress," Azriel took a dangerous step forward and I sucked in a sharp breath at the mention of the bond, not accepted but not rejected either. A bridge between us that I both refused to sever and to walk across.

H grabbed my hand that was prickled with the thorns of my bouquet, shadows soothed over my palm, relieving the sting of my minor wounds. "You shouldn't be here," I frowned but his smile remained.

"No, probably not, but I can't let you marry him," He said, his voice brooking no room for argument, ever the cool and collected male.

“Go home, Azriel,” I speak quietly, but not weakly.

“Come with me.” He matches my tone, his scarred fingers intertwining with my manicured ones and the sensation was so different than the feeling of Rhen’s grip. "Why did your parents arrange this? What are they gaining from this union?" He asked, voice slightly stiff at the idea of selling me off for their own personal achievement.

"Money, the Talor's have a small title and crop of land, it'd be enough to last us a few centuries,” I shrug. I loved my parents, despite their twisted and corrupt ways, I loved them because they fed and raised me, I loved them because they put clothes on my back and told me bedtime stories. I never assumed I’d have to pay them back, not this way, at least.

"I'll give you every cent to my name if that's the price of my mate's freedom, if money is what they want, they can take mine." The shadow singer stated, his words certain that it made me realize that I’ve never been as sure about anything as he was about this.

"I can't ask you to do that." I shake my head, slipping my fingers from his, knowing the lingering guests were watching.

"You don't have to, I want you to be happy, let me buy you then set you free." He implored, allowing my hand to fall to my side only because he moved to cup my cheek. "And if I'm lucky you'll fall in love with me along the way." He shrugged with a smirk of pure fae male arrogance.

"Az," I deadpan, the words half a growl.

"I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm asking you not to marry him." His eyes flick back to the male watching with furious eyes from the archway. "If you tell me to I’ll leave, and you can walk down that aisle again— but let's not kid ourselves, you never wanted this, never wanted him,” His hand on my face made me melt slightly, and he was right, despite wanting to pay my mother and father back, this is nowhere near anything I wanted.

I swallowed thickly, weighing the options. If I married Rhen my parents would be happy and this would all be water under the bridge— but I’d suffer a life of being both a housewife and broodmare with a male who did not truly love me.

If I went with Azriel my parents would likely attempt to cleave us, unless Azriel paid them as he said he would, as long as gold was placed in their hands I doubted they’d have much argument— and I could be free to choose what I wanted with my life, I could accept my mating bond.

"But where will I go? What will I do?" I ask, my mind filled with questions that could only be answered by my future self.

"It's entirely up to you, you can live with me, or you can move to another court, whatever you choose. You'd be free." He stresses and my mouth gapes open, then closes. I look to the waves crashing against the shore only a few yards away, shouting at me to flee, to go with him.

All of it was too good to be true, Azriel coming to be my savior with this plan. It couldn’t be real and I needed him to punch me so I could wake up from this dream.

"Though I'd prefer if you stayed close, it's painful having you so far even right now— and you're only a city away, I can’t imagine a whole court,” He added and I looked back to him, a small smile pulling at the corners of my lips.

"I haven't even accepted the bond yet and you're already desperate." I tease.

"Yet?" He arched a scarred brow.

I flush a soft hue and avert my eyes again, this time settling them on the approaching figure that formed a knot of anxiety in my stomach.

"You're out of line, get your hands off my bride you bastard." Rhen spat and I flinched at the way he cursed the word, Azriel didn’t so much as shift, in fact, I could’ve sworn there was a flicker of amusement dancing in his eyes.

"Out of line? No, I'm exactly where I should be, you're the one that's in my way." The shadow singer smoothly replied, Rhen snarled at his retort and grabbed me just above my elbow, his grip as tight and immovable as iron.

"Don't touch me." I gritted out, tugging at my arm but he didn’t budge and simply pulled me back towards where the officiant stood, uneasy on his feet.

"Come on, be a good little wife, and finish the damned ceremony," Rhen growled, and before I could take even another step towards the archway my fiancé halted, freezing in his footsteps as shadows wrapped around his limbs, his neck, encasing his body and shoving into his open mouth, restricting him of oxygen.

"She told you not to touch her Talor, so I'd highly suggest you let go or you won't have a hand anymore." The Spy Master’s voice was death incarnate, I had never heard anything so paralyzing in all my immortal life. It chilled me down to my very bone, and I thought that I might be carrion if I was ever on the receiving end of my mate's deathly stare.

Rhen’s hand releases me if only to grasp at his own throat, silently pleading with his eyes to have mercy.

The shadows released him and Rhen was sent running, sprinting as fast as he could away from the male that stood before me, now looking at me with an incredulous grin. Insane, he must’ve been insane— and I must’ve been too, to be so in love with that smile and the dimples that came along with it.

"You were seriously going to marry him?” He scoffed, hand coming to my arm and inspecting the area Rhen held me for any injury.

"Well, it wasn't really my choice," I grumble under my breath as Azriel lets go of my arm with a gentleness that rivaled his vicious exterior that occurred only moments ago.

Azriel’s eyes flicked over to the few remaining guests and I turned in the direction he stared, at my parents who were staring with both helplessness and fury in their eyes.

"Me and Cass will deal with them later, let's get you out of here, alright?" He tugged at the tether between us and my head whips back to him.

“Okay,” I nod and reach out, my hand finding his. His eyes soften as he pulls me into him, wrapping a wing around me and cocooning us in darkness before he utilizes his shadows to pull us into another realm entirely, it was only a brief moment of darkness and an empty void before my heels were on a hardwood floor and the sweet citrusy smell of Velaris flowed through my nose.

"We left Cass," I say, glancing around to find the second Illyrian nowhere to be found.

"He was in the midst of stuffing his face with bread rolls, I think he'll be just fine." Azriel half scoffed, half chuckled. He pulled away but before he could completely slip from my grasp my hand tightened on his and his brows lifted a fraction, eyes lighting with intrigue.

"Thank you." Is all I can manage to say.

"Don't thank me." He shakes his head. "I should have gotten you out of there far sooner." He spoke as if he was more dissatisfied with himself than anyone else.

"But still, when it mattered you came for me," I utter, taking a cautious step forward.

"You're my mate, even if you haven't accepted the bond, it's my duty to keep you safe— you shouldn't have even been out of my sights," He says, his voice soft as he looks down at me, hand squeezing mine.

"I wasn't, not really." I hum, gesturing down to the shadow that swirled around my ankle, the one that would always remain there.

He smiles at the thought, then says, "You look beautiful, by the way." His eyes flick down to my white gown and I follow his gaze, smiling softly at the dress, it had been the only thing that was my decision in this entire endeavor.

"I only wish that it was your choice to put that dress on, this morning," He added, as if reading my mind, and for a moment I wondered if the mating bond allowed him to see how I felt.

"It will be, one day," I nod confidently and his brows raise with insinuation. A gentle smile blooms across my lips and I cup his sharp jaw. “But for now, baby steps,” I suggest rising up onto my toes, leaning closer, placing a kiss on his adjacent cheek.

When I pulled back he was beet red and I giggled at the sight, it was a wonder that this male, who flushed at a chaste peck on the cheek, was also one of the most feared in Prythian.

“Right,” he swallowed down the lump in his throat, his hand only a phantom at my waist, hovering. "I'll have money sent to your parents by Dawn." He says, then quickly adds, “Even if they don’t deserve it.”

I smile brightly and pull away. “Thank you, Az,” I murmur.

“Anything, for you.” He confessed, and I knew he meant it. I smiled, thinking that in the morning I might reward him with some breakfast, in turn, accepted that golden tether between us and finally allowed myself to be happy, with a mate.

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[readychilledwine]

Crush

Summary - Deciding to take a yoga class may have been the best decision you've ever made

Warnings - plus size reader, discussions of gym culture and health

A/n - fic 3 for @cassianappreciationweek day 7! We get NSFW from here 💕

🗡Cassian Masterlist🗡Master Masterlist🗡

The clang of weights was almost as annoying as the front desk girl staring at you. You hated gyms, hated the judgment that came with walking into one, hated the way people stared at you as if you weren't the ideal person to actually be at a place for improving yourself. 

“Look,” you interrupted her politely, “I am fully aware I am paying more to take this class because I don't have a membership. Considering I'm just trying out this fitness thing, not really interested in spending $100 a month just then also pay $80 for the one class I'm interested in taking.” Her smiled dropped slightly as she just nodded and took your card, finishing your sign up for the yoga course you and 3 of your closest friends were trying. 

You knew she was just trying to meet her numbers, but it was something from gym culture you hated. The constant pushing to join their cult and have access to “everything” instead of just being able to pay for the classes you were interested in was crazy to you. The way gym culture pushed looking a certain way to be considered healthy and attractive also bothered you greatly. 

Health had to do with more than just the numbers on the scales. It had to do with your mind, your soul, and that was what you were here to work. Your mind and soul, and if you happened to gain some muscle strength from yoga, that was just an added bonus. You were all wanting to try yoga as a form of stress relief, relaxation, and self care.  No pressure, no expectations, just fun. 

The four of you were all laughing as you headed into the gym, not even bothering to stop and look at anyone or anything going on. In your mind, it was just a scene you'd watched hundreds of times. Ripped men showing off their muscles, gym girls vlogging their “workouts” in outfits you never would be caught wearing. You were here for you, not for the show someone thought they could put on for you.

Cassian was in a squat rack, watching you through the mirror as he stood with weights resting on his wide shoulders. You were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Every curve, every strand of hair. You were perfect in his eyes. Rhys followed his glance before grinning, “That's my assistant. Y/n!” 

You glanced up, instantly waving at Rhys and he waved back. He motioned for you to come over, “Hello, darling. What brings you here?”

“Yoga,” you shrugged. “Trying it for stress relief. Mean boss and all!” 

Rhysand laughed at your response, eyes sparkling, “You brought water?” You nodded to him. “Good, that room gets way too hot. I admire the yoga classes, but I can't do it. Oh! By the way,” he motioned to Cassian, “this is my brother, Cassian. You know Az from security.”

And that's when it began.

Two months. Two long months of you and Cassian trading no more than your names, smiles, and slightly flirtatious banter and digs at each other when you would cross paths at the water fountain. 

Today was his day, though. Today he'd finally ask if you wanted him to help you workout, and if you said no, he'd offer dinner instead. Rhys had been forced into telling him every detail of your life. He knew your favorite color, food, how you took coffee. He felt like he knew about you, but now he truly needed to know you.

He needed more than glances that left you blushing. Needed more than you making him go home and spend his night staring at the ceiling in his empty bed wondering if you liked him the way he liked you.

Today was his day. He knew it as he kept glancing at you.

Two months had sucked you into your own version of gym culture, and while your goal was still more the stress relief, you had to admit it was fun watching your booty get even better. You had to also admit deep down that you had other reasons for coming to the gym outside of yoga class, though. That reason was 6’5”, dark curly hair, swirling tribal tattoos, and looking oh so delicious in his black shorts today.

You reminded yourself you were mainly here to focus on you. To get yourself into your head space and earn the snacks waiting for you at home, and zeroed in on the goal of reaching 10,000 stairs by the end of the week.

You were deep into your workout and in your own world when Cassian approached, admiring each jiggle not so secretly, “So y/n.”

“MOTHER F-” you cover your mouth, slapping the emergency stop button and feeling his hand instantly stabilizing you by touching your back. “You scared me!”

“I can tell,” he chuckled back. “I was just wondering if you wanted to try free weights with me today? I spot you? Teach you some stuff?”

I blinked at him, “Really?” He nodded almost boyishly, a playful grin on his face. “I can't spot you, though.”

He motioned over her shoulder to your boss and Azriel, “They exist still. Unfortunately.”

You bit your lip, knowing you'd look so out of place beside the 3 of them. “Cassian, I don't really work out to be-”

“You work out to take care of stress and eat whatever snacks you want. I know. Rhys told me. You'll get tired of cardio soon, so learning another area wouldn't hurt.”

You glared towards Rhys, “Traitor.”

“Is that a yes?”

You sighed and nodded, wiping down the handles of the machine you were on before letting him pull you over to Rhys and Azriel.

One workout became two. Two became twice a week. Twice a week became him coming over and enjoying snacks and a movie. Snacks and movie became dinner with Cassian at an expensive restaurant with Rhys, his wife, Feyre, Azriel, and his possibly girlfriend, Nesta. 

The table was silent as Cassian ordered a fairly unhealthy pasta, ate bread with you, and then shared dessert. It had been so long since they watched him genuinely enjoy food. “Cheat day,” he said casually as Azriel raised a brow at him. “I'm trying to mix y/n's work out to eat what she wants into my lifestyle once a week.” 

“He seems to like our snack and movie nights,” you glanced up at him, to you just admiring the way he smiled. But to the rest of the table, it was clear the gym crush you two shared was becoming much much more. Azriel slipped Rhys money under the table, conceding that he had won the bet. 

“Y/n told me a lot of research shows a cheat day is actually better for you than 7 hard days,” Cassian took another bite of the melted chocolate fudge brownie. “So we have a cheat day now on Sunday. We call it Sinday.”

“We still do a light walk,” you offered as Rhys looked confused. “But more of a “find some wilderness and explore walk than follow this beaten path one.” That dinner turned into many more. It turned into meeting each other's families. To merging friend groups. 

No activity you two tried topped the gym together. Especially after Cassian built and began running his own. His gym was built to cater to those who'd never felt welcomed. One way windows so the people inside could look out, but no one would see in. A mirror room dedicated to progress selfies to stop people from capturing a stranger in their pictures, a strict no bullying policy. He had made a safe haven for those who were serious about their workouts, and those who were just starting, and you could not have been more proud, especially now that you were teaching yoga and hot yoga classes there.

You two posed in the mirror, sweat dripping down him as he flexed and you kissed his cheek with your leg popped up, waiting for the camera to click breaking the no selfies on the main workout floor rule.

“Gross,” Azriel yelled. “Focus on training you two!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Cassian shot back. “I'm coming. Enjoy yoga, baby.”

“I will. Snacks tonight?”

“Absolutely,” he answered. “Those little no bake cookie balls would be so good."

"Oh, yeah. We'll pick those up!"

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[thorniest-rose]

Hi Brooke, idk if it’s inappropriate to ask and sorry if it is, but are you able to tell us if there’s gonna be underage in your fic with Azriel? It’s a squick for me so I had to skip Sour Candy, but I’m super excited that my two favs are writing together and it would suck to be so hyped for it for a long time and have to skip it. It would be nice to know in advance so I can cry now instead of later lol. Sorry again if I’m out of line. Thank you for your writing. Love your work and I’ll definitely catch your next fic.

Hi love! It isn't inappropriate at all, please don't worry. I actually think it's wonderful that you're respecting your own boundaries and not exposing yourself to content that could trigger you or compromise your mental health. I hope that doesn't sound patronising, I really do think it's commendable because I know other people do trigger themselves reading my fics and I never want that.

So it's a little tricky to talk about what the fic does and doesn't include because Az and I don't want to reveal too much of the plot before we start posting. But it's not an underage fic. Steve for example is 19 when the fic starts and all the characters involved in sexual relationships are of age. So you don't need to worry about that.

However, I'm not sure if this is a squick for you but it might be: there are elements of age play in the fic. It's not what the entire fic is about and it's not the main crux of the relationship we're writing but age play is part of the core dynamic, especially later on.

I would say wait until the first chapter is posted to make up your mind, as we'll be including detailed CWs at the start. I usually just add a bunch of tags and leave people to their own devices but Az is so thoughtful and thorough when it comes to writing CWs so we'll have a list of them at the start of the fic and at the start of every subsequent chapter. It really is a heavy fic, not just in terms of the age play, but everything we're writing, and we know it won't be for everyone. People will need to be drawn to the darkest shades of romance, enjoy challenging and unlikeable depictions of their beloved characters and have a high threshold to read it, I think.

Anyway I really hope that helps. The tl;dr is that no, there's no underage sex and it's not about any of the characters being underage, but there will be age play elements so do tread carefully if that concerns you. I would love for you to read it, and I hope this doesn't put you off, but looking after yourself really is the most important thing 💜

I do feel so bad that you weren't able to read sour candy. Are there any fic ideas of mine that you have enjoyed? If there are let me know and I could write a little fic for you?

[housefinches]

What is wrong with you calling someone who said their suicidal abusive? This whole situation never involved you and you just had to make it worse

i don't know who you are so i don't know how much you know about this whole thing but the people involved were once some of my closest internet friends. we talked nearly daily for over a year. even if that wasn't the case though they made this more than just an interpersonal conflict when they made multiple mean spirited posts about someone who i still consider a very close friend of mine. anyways, this is what i said:

and then when dean defended those actions by saying they just happened to say it in a public server that digby just happened to be in i added this:

and i stand by what i said!! while i definitely don't think az is an abuser or that he abused digby in their relationship i 100% think that claiming that someone shouldn't have broken up with you because of your mental health is an abusive way to think about relationships. no one should ever be made to stay in a relationship that they are unhappy with! and digby isn't some schemeing villian because he ended a relationship at a time that wasn't ideal for the others in it. it sucks and it's a devestating thing to go through but before any of the posting there was no bad guy here.

i know that many of my followers came from deans audience and so you all may not agree with me but i really implore you guys to take a step back and think about what really happened here and whether or not you think it's right for someone to post the way dean has about all this. i don't think he's a bad person but i do think he has a tendency to handle these types of things very publicly and very immediately before he's had time to reflect and grieve and at this point in my life that isn't something that makes me feel comfortable in a friendship.

obviously im no saint, i probably shouldn't have said anything (it's hypocritical to say that things should be kept offline and then be sending people combtaive anons, i get it) but seeing someone that i care deeply about being bashed with no one coming to his defense is hard and in an impulsive moment i had really been hoping i could make them see that this isnt the way to be going about things.

anyways i will be trying to practice what i preach, if you want to say anything to me about any of this put it on this post, i won't be engaging with anything else.

[tadpolesonalgae]

i like that we finally got to see reader with the ic but it always leaves me feeling even worse for her because they are overlooking her like crazy. i like that nesta came back to invite her to day court with her but the fact that eris knew about the trip before she did? i get that she doesn't really ask or care much for what they do (i think it's more she doesn't think she deserves to know which is even worse) but i mean at this point it's safe to say she barely knows what's happening with her family and even if she likes to isolate herself and all that it's not a good thing. i like the way she was thinking during the dinner because i have that problem too even with family so it really felt realistic but im sorry to go in on the ic again but mor was the only one who tried getting her to talk and mor is also one of the ones that isn't really related to her. it's also a bit weird that rhys doesn't really try talking with her because one thing about rhysand he likes the sound of his own voice, also cass especially when nesta was talking to her, cass is the friendliest one so even him kinda ignoring her is a bit.. all i'm getting is they don't trust her, whether because they don't think much of her or think she'd fuck things up or even they just genuinely don't.

and i mean the part with eris was nice but it just shows even more how out of it she is at home and doesn't really leave any indication that she should stay there. like she was dreading being with her family but she was excited to speak to the dude she barely knows and is kind of an asshole and that part "I don’t get to spend my days simply lying around to pester the only person who’ll give me a scrap of attention." like he's right and it sucks tbh. her family really doesn't give her any attention. and even how he already has her figured out by a couple interactions and no one in the ic even knows shit about her like i get that eris is very observant but so is literally everyone else in the ic and you can kinda see az starting to observe her and try to figure her out (he was observing her way too closely like i love him dearly but i know for a fact mr spymaster over there can be less obvious to the point she has to tell him to stop staring and he doesnt). idk i just wish the ic didn't treat her like a child that can feed herself so they don't even have to check on. and as mean as eris was being he's right so many times like this part "It’s a little embarrassing that you don’t already know. What are they teaching you over there? How to be an emotional burden?" too like it was so mean but it's true, they're not teaching her literally anything and it is embarrassing to watch like i just want her to speak up for herself. i get that she doesn't want to be like nesta probably because she was on the end of her sharp words way too often but it's so frustrating seeing her hide herself like that and i refuse to believe no one in the ic noticed she's holding back, unless they're really not even giving her a single thought or maybe they don't care enough to try to get her out, i dont know which one is worse

also this is still before the 2 weeks were up i'm guessing? so they still don't know about her powers? that's probably going to be a shitshow but i can't wait for her to stop trying to do everything herself at the risk of her own health and mental stability at this point. i'm also guessing after that she won't get overlooked as much because they could see her being useful but then it would leave a bitter taste to see them only care about her after thinking she could help them instead of being because they genuinely care about her, which i can't really see from that many people here i'm sorry, elain and her are the only ones who actually look like they like each other, feyre and even nesta just look kinda tentative (is that a word) with her like they don't want anything bad for her but as long as she's breathing and healthy i guess they don't look like they care and the rest of the ic probably can't even tell if she's there on most days or not, shoutout to mor for trying again though. really can't wait for her to stop pretending and just let her emotions out and tell them she's been feeling like a burden and it's their fault for not giving a fuck about her. i hope she gets her little trip with eris too because 2 weeks with eris and she'd get her claws all the way out but idk how she would manage to go to autumn in a peaceful way like as much as i'm going in on the ic, i still want them to fix things with her because like i said before if the endgame here is her getting together with azriel and staying in the night court a lot of things have to change and it's not just with azriel

is this going to be a really long series? because since it's chapter 8 and reader still honestly hasn't had much of a development i'm guessing it's going to be long right? i mean i kinda hope so because the more the better lol

also i'm glad mor is taking her shopping because the white cotton nightgown that goes down to her ankles told me everything i needed to know about her style and i'm glad she's getting an upgrade

i feel like this was mostly me rambling about the ic but it's really frustrating to watch her making herself look dull like eris said and pretend everything is always okay so she's not a burden but it's also frustrating that no one even cares enough to realize that she's quite literally a mess mentally or pretend they don't see it - 🧶

‘i get that she doesn't really ask or care much for what they do (i think it's more she doesn't think she deserves to know which is even worse)’

We love a low self-esteem girlie 🫶

But yeah, arguably part of the whole problem links back to her not wanting to bother anyone, so it comes across as blatant disinterest which perpetuates the issue :/

‘i like the way she was thinking during the dinner because i have that problem too even with family’

On a separate note, I’m so glad you have this problem too (that sounds so mean 😭, I’m glad it’s not an isolated issue) because it’s honestly so bizarre? Like all you need to do is say something like “hey, would you mind passing the [Dish X], thanks!” And you’re basically golden but it’s so difficult for absolutely no reason.

Anyway reader has that fun little struggle too, which someone’s taking a notice of🍜

‘it's also a bit weird that rhys doesn't really try talking with her because one thing about rhysand he likes the sound of his own voice,’

😭😭😭 Poor Rhys

I think that point (as well as the Cassian one) is more an insufficiency on my part—I just didn’t want to write a conversation involving the whole table one, because I couldn’t think of a way to make it seem organic and two, I think reader would have genuinely had a mental breakdown right then and there if she had to be involved in a full-scale conversation 😭 (kinda funny, kinda not but oh well)

‘all i'm getting is they don't trust her, whether because they don't think much of her or think she'd fuck things up or even they just genuinely don't.’

So, I’ve already started on Part 9 (since there was something near a whole month between part 7 and 8, oops and sorry) and a while ago someone suggested writing something from Azriel’s pov so at least his actions might be understandable? Also since reader’s perspective on things is slightly skewed by her poor perception of herself 😬

Anyway, hopefully in Part 9 you’re going to get to see things from the IC’s view point which might clear somethings up and make it more believable? Idk, I like having some of the confusion of not knowing what’s going on but I suppose after a certain point it might become a little deus ex machina? I like miscommunication but I think it would be a bit of a stretch to put everything on “hey they didn’t know”, so I’m going to begin sorting that out :)

‘and is kind of an asshole and that part "I don’t get to spend my days simply lying around to pester the only person who’ll give me a scrap of attention." like he's right and it sucks tbh’

I think part of the appeal of Eris for reader is that while what he says is sometimes hurtful, he does treat her like an adult and doesn’t really pull his punches at all? 😭

But then obviously there are moments like in part 8 where he strikes a raw nerve which triggers a bit of overthinking (only a bit)

‘(he was observing her way too closely like i love him dearly but i know for a fact mr spymaster over there can be less obvious to the point she has to tell him to stop staring and he doesnt)’

I’m going to expand on this part later (maybe in Part 9 if I get the plot together) but he was connecting some dots in that moment (bless him 🫂)

‘like i just want her to speak up for herself.’

Personally kinda scared for that moment but you do you—I’m sure she’ll manage to express herself in a totally calm and concise manner 😌

‘also this is still before the 2 weeks were up i'm guessing? so they still don't know about her powers? that's probably going to be a shitshow’

Yeah I realised I didn’t put that in at all, but part 9 is set about a week after that initial agreement is settled on, so halfway to the end!

‘i'm also guessing after that she won't get overlooked as much’

Something along those lines… 👀

I mean, it would be a bit bizarre if they ignored that mess?

‘is this going to be a really long series? because since it's chapter 8 and reader still honestly hasn't had much of a development i'm guessing it's going to be long right?’

I’m awful at guess series length but I’d say we’re coming up to the halfway point? Maybe another three or four chapters then we’ll be halfway through? There’s still a lot of stuff to happen and a lot to be resolved, so yeah, it’s going to be a while—hope that’s okay 🧡💛

‘also i'm glad mor is taking her shopping because the white cotton nightgown that goes down to her ankles told me everything i needed to know about her style and i'm glad she's getting an upgrade’

Yeah, Erie was completed right when he made the comment about readers fashion sense—there’s a lot to be desired 😭

Also, the shopping trip might happen in part 9 but I don’t yet know if it will fit in so we’ll see what happens and where it goes :)

Hopefully Mor will work some of her magic with reader and get her to be a little more comfortable around Velaris :)

‘i feel like this was mostly me rambling about the ic’

I think your little rambles are one of the things I’ve missed most about updating CBMTHY 😭

It’s so enjoyable reading through these and it also helps me know what needs to be mentioned in future chapters 🧡💛🫂

[azrielgreen]

Hey Az I was wondering if you had any advice on jealousy. Or more “envy” I guess. I know we should write for ourselves and try not to rely on external validation, but I find it so hard. I’m constantly comparing myself to other writers, seeing how many kudos and comments they got, wondering why I don’t measure up. Wondering why certain readers left a super long comment on a certain work and then a short one on mine. I don’t want to be resentful, and I know this feeling is toxic and bred from insecurity. I keep trying to improve and to find new ways to get over this mindset, but nothing seems to be working. I just obsess over why I’m not good enough, why I’m not on rec lists, or why readers stopped commenting when they had previously reacted to every other chapter. It’s embarrassing and pathetic to even type this all out, but I figured you’re the best person to go to with shit like this because you’re so honest. I keep coming to the conclusion that “if I was a better writer then I’d have better statistics, and people would stick with my stories, so I must suck.” I wonder if there is something I’m actually doing wrong technically or if my negative attitude is somehow seeping through the words I write. I don’t know. Maybe I just need therapy. But yes, any tips on how to not see others’ success as my failure?

Thank you so much for even reading this stream of consciousness diary entry. And thank you even more if you respond. xx

Hello lovely. I'm so sorry it took me so long to reply, I've been working my way through these and I wanted to devote a little more time to yours because this is a really common feeling that's rarely discussed.

So, envy and jealously about other writers is, I think, natural given the system used to publish fics (hit counters, kudos, etc...) and also the fact that this fandom is a very loud, wide open space. I've been in very small spaces before, sometimes with five or six people total in the entire ship and that was a very different vibe. I really wish more people get to experience that.

But this fandom and many others are large spaces now and they'll only get bigger so we have this constant comparison, even though not widely acknowledged, of who gets more readers, who gets recced, hits, kudos and comments. It's difficult not to compare, even when you know you shouldn't so what you're feeling is completely valid. External validation for writing can be really important and it's one of the reasons fanfic can be so gratifying, with comments to boost you up along the way.

The thing is, focusing on those elements will only ever harm your self esteem because once you tie your worth to a number, a percentage, literally anything quantifiable and reliant upon people other than yourself, you're doing damage to your mental health and your understanding of what is or isn't "good writing". There are so many beautiful, stunning, fucking life altering stories on AO3 that have a mere handful of kudos and under 100 hits and I don't know why. I don't know what if it's word of mouth, if it's reclists, length, tags, word counts, I have no idea what makes something a "hit", but here's what I do know.

I know that when you don't look at those numbers, when you instead look ahead to your future and where your writing will take you, those numbers really don't mean much. I've had plenty of "flops" and I love them so much, I go back and reread them even after orphaning them and I see that maybe two or three people commented, hardly anyone even read it, but that doesn't matter because I'm already on the next project.

You are good enough. You are so good, you're brilliant. You're unique and you know this too, deep down, otherwise you would never have started writing. What people do or don't respond to is more to do with them and their personal lives than you and your work.

My advice is to never look at other people's specific success numbers and compare. There are only two outcomes of this. Yours will be more and you'll feel good that more people read your work than others - you ego will inflate artificially, it'll be tied to this numerical system. Or, yours will be less and you'll be feel bad that your work wasn't read as much as others was - your sense of worth will shrink, and to remedy this, you'll feel the need to create content that drives up these numbers. This is a toxic spiral, and believe me, I know it very well. I would tell myself, years ago, if I didn't get 25 comments on a new chapter, the chapter was awful. I had the most awful time waiting for comments to hit 25 and I barely even read them.

Give yourself space. Reconnect with your creativity. Fill a journal. Make a playlist. Print out all your good comments and read them and then burn them. Read more, find your inspiration. Be so fucking proud of yourself, love what you make and stay away from those numbers because they make no sense and they never will. Trying to establish self worth from anything less than your own self will always backfire. I know this is super vague, but it's my honest opinion.

More specifically, for you, I want you to know that this feeling is transitional and it'll pass and you're going to look back and think, "Wow, I can't believe I ever cared about that." So hold on, keep going, fuck what anyone else thinks, and make your art, my darling. Good things are coming, I promise.

Az.

💜💜💜

[acourtofthought]

I'm getting pretty irritated at seeing the argument that Pro Eluciens don't respect what Elain wants because she's "declared she's part of this Court" when we envision her elsewhere in Prythian or that Cassian's voice should not trump that of Elains when he counters that by saying no matter what she says about being part of the NC, the color black (which is symbolic for the NC and can easily mean the NC itself) literally sucks the life out of her.

Elain is not a real person. She is not standing in front of you and I right now telling us what she wants. She is not someone we can ask follow up questions to, in an effort to see exactly why she's making that claim and whether it's the full truth. People often say things they don't mean. Or that they're trying to convince themselves of. So Elain making a one off comment is not the same thing as hearing that comment, having a lengthy conversation after it and really digging into the validity of it to find out if she truly feels that way or is trying to convince herself that she feels that way. If as a reader you're choosing to focus on one sentence Elain speaks (and without actually getting into her thoughts) as being more important than the many other clues the author has left for us indicating the opposite than I personally feel you're approaching this authors writing style the wrong way. Not to mention there's a whole lot of "the character said this before but it turned out to mean something else later down the line once we really get their thoughts or detailed explanation" going on in these books. Of course that is just my opinion but.... 🤷

It's extremely funny that "Cassian" shouldn't be speaking for Elain but it's alright for Az to. Not to mention Cassian isn't speaking for Elain. He had a thought that he kept to himself. That even though Elain claimed she belonged, he observed (to himself) that he still noticed she looked lifeless in a place and color that is still part of the Night Court and that the characters regularly visit as it is part of their duties. And that it's cruelty bothers her. Yeah, none of them like the Hewn City because they think the people who live there are pieces of shit. But they have no issues stepping into their roles, playing their parts and no one can deny that they play their parts well. That regardless of whether they like the Hewn City, they all look like they belong ruling over it. Which is in direct contrast to Cassian thinking to himself that Elain doesn't quite fit in like the rest. But for some reason Cassian's out of line for thinking something doesn't line up with Elains words yet Az is a cutey wittle boy for announcing to everyone (behind her back) that Elain shouldn't be doing something she volunteered to help with.

Elain glowing and healthy in purple means absolutely nothing in regards to her belonging in the NC. It's mentioned twice in SF that Elain in purple equals good health. That means Elain could be wearing purple anywhere in their world and she would be glowing with good health. Also, Nesta notes Elain has always been special because creating friends and a place for herself had always come easily to Elain. It's not the NC helping her recover. It's Elains character that's getting her to a better place. Not necessarily the right place for her, just better than the depression she was in before. And the bigger take on the color of her dresses is what happens when they are placed side by side. Black while in the Hewn City versus purple when she leaves it. Purple is not a Night Court color whereas black is (and the one she looks ill-suited in). That's not to say no one in the Night Court is ever allowed to wear purple. I'm sure they can and have. But based off the authors writing, I haven't seen any real symbolism given to the color purple and the NC. Purple for SJM is usually associated with her Healers. Or outside of SJM, it's the color associated with royalty. Things that are given symbolism in the NC? The color black. Illyrian leathers. One which Elain looks dead in and one she refused to wear.

Can others just stop accusing Eluciens of not having Elains best interest at heart? She doesn't have her own best interests. She has whatever the author tells her she's going to have. And based on many many clues, the author is building a very compelling argument that regardless of Elain doing her best to make a life for herself, regardless of what she's trying to convince herself of, the NC is not going to be where she thrives.

That's what usually happens in a characters story. They start off in one place thinking certain things, and grow and change by the end of the book. It happens alllllll the time in novels. It makes a lot less sense for Elain to claim (in someone else's book) that she's happy in the Night Court, that she's already got her friends and love life figured out and by the end of her book to be in exactly the same place, with exactly the same friends, with exactly the same love interest.

If anything I'd say Eluciens care more for Elains character considering they want more for her than what's currently been shown in the series so far.

[leagueofleaguesff]

🏈League of Leagues Week 3 Recaps🏉

This week we do a slight change in our recap arrangement.

We begin with NFL Smackdown with the week 3️⃣ theme.

Then we have the other 3️⃣ recaps under one NFL Special. Have a drink 🥃for that one.

Update:

CBS Challenge League

Taurean was unable to join this year as he was abroad but Jermaine, Laura, and myself joined this 12team - standard scoring league. The app sucks. The scoring sucks. The waivers suck. Boring bland and basic but also challenging. No fantasy players for the Core 4 have been able to win it. Jermaine made it to the superbowl last year and Laura the year before. I believe I did previous to Laura.

The 4 of us have tried for years to challenge ourselves to win this CBS league. In doing so we have beat the ultimate challenge in our eyes.

Will any of us succeed?

Fantrax Experimental League

This league is set up is to experiment with different scoring rules and roster set up (3 QBs for instances). This allows a sneak peak into tweaks for Core 4 Leagues looking to improve or change things up if they so choose. All the Core 4 league owners participate (except T this year).

FleaFlicker Random League For Bragging Rights

This is the pseudo *5th* League for those who want to diversify League formats/apps. Basically a random League to win (not for a physical prize) but to brag they won in addition or in spite of losing in the Core 4.

💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠💠

As for last weeks recaps I didn't have time to do a NFL Division breakdown for the ILL-FL so going to do one here prior to the recaps.

The week before was an AFC North Breakdown

🏉<Can you name the 4 starting AFC QBs?>🏉

Now we explore my thoughts on the NFC East Division. (Click video below for the recap)🔹️

1.) NY Giants🏈

The G-Men have had a rough go.

First and foremost, the loss of Barkley to a division rival was something so unforseen - it truly shocked the NFL in the off-season. He was the most talented player and was nearly the Giants entire offense last year.

Seems the HBO HardKnocks had a glimpse of what this franchise was intending to do by trying to package Daniel Jones in a trade before a draft to get from the 6th pick to the 3rd from the Patriots to acquire Drake Maye. It was obvious. Unfortunately for the NY Football Giants, the trade details couldn't get hammered out and thus they went for arguably one of the best WRs in this year's class (Nabers).

Although the Giants opted *regrettably* to keep Jones over an RB (someone had to get the big bucks and RB injury history may have spooked them to inact that transaction) they had to go with the league climate of signing a "capable" quarterback. This move, signing Jones 27 yr old, who's health injuries have piled up for himself, has put Giants fans in a tizzy.

The move could prove disastrous for the G-Men.

Dabol doesn't seem to have the same pulse of the team or he simply can't reproduce the same magic from his initial season there.

IF the Giants falter this season, who do they draft?

Jones is in the early phase of his $160 million contract, the franchise pushed off for so long, they seem to have trapped themselves in cap hell.

2.) WASHINGTON COMMANDERS🏛

🔺️Looking for a Commanders gif to replace 🔺️

The Washington Commanders have not done much in the off-season. Most of the moves involved the coaching staff.

The Commanders picked up Kliff Kingsbury (formerly of the AZ Cardinals). Hopefully he can coach up the rookie high draft of Jayden Daniels.

Speaking of Jayden, he has shown some moxy in his first few games. Especially in the Monday Night primitive spotlight. Daniels has shown a propensity to throw in the middle of the field and short routes. His first 2 games only saw a long of less the 30 yards. Not sure if that's causal play calling from Kliff or rookie growing pains. Daniels is a runner but needs to work on his sliding (forward body slides are a bad look).

Dan Quinn is the other piece to this team as the head coach. His defensive minded tendencies could help bring a toughness to a team, that a year ago, sent off their best defensive players in Chase Young & Montez Sweat. Talk about cooking with little ingredients smh.

Terry is still the WR #1 and should have gotten the target funnel - especially after shipping Jahan Dotson to inner division rivalnthe Eagles (see G-Men recap above doing the same with Barkley).

The tightend position wasn't addressed except the acquisition of Zach Ertz who may be seeing the winding down of his career but can still.bring valuable play if healthy. With the TE low productivity across the league, he actually is viable.

Brian Robinson Jr becomes the #1 RB but he is strictly a downhill runner. The pick up of Ekeler has done wonders (even if he has been reduced to the scat-back/satellite RB pass catcher position).

There is definitely an upside to this team. Deeper fantasy Leagues are keeping an eye on Dayami Brown and overall, this team can surprise this season.

3.) PHILLY EAGLES 🦅

The Eagles have mostly retained thier team from the previous year.

There was certainly a slight regression from Hurts 1st year. This year, it seems, a defensive regression is more prevalent. Eagles can be scored on. The back end of the defense is susceptible. They don't get a tone of pressure up front either.

Hurts isn't running as much but the passing game has an uptick with healthy WRs AJ & Smith. BUT, now both WRs are out. Could TE Goedert be the beneficiary like he was in week 3? The newly acquired Jahan Dotson may be their only surefire starting WR but he was traded (in division) for a reason.

Nick (the coach) seems to be outsmarting himself in certain instances in game.

The Eagles main new weapon in Barkley has given them the firepower to overcome the self destructive ways that often have in games. Barkley has shown a new vigor and is seemingly renewed in his energy. It's visible.

The Eagles are still a premier team... but barely.

4.) DALLAS COWBOYS 🤠

How bout dem Cowboys?

Yea it hasn't been great. Aside from the opener, Cowboys have faltered. They have pieces, but is it enough? Can the Cowboys meet expectations?

Dak is still doing his thing and finally got paid right before the season began.

Ceedee Lamb could be argued the #1 WR in the league (Jefferson fans are furious). He is flanked by Brandon Cooks who is not top.tier he used to be but can move the chains. The eye is on Tolbert, the youngin who has shown flashes.

The problem is the RB position. Pollard went to the Titans and now Cowboys had to rely on aging vets Zeek and Dalvin Cook. Dowdell has juice but not sure if he can produce as the every down back.

TE and Kicker especially is still on par for this team. Aubrey is now the best kicker in the league. This guy kicks 50 yard fgs for breakfast.

The defense has been exploited. Even with Diggs and Parsons, Cowboys can be run on. With a leaky defense, the previous strength of this team may be their Achilles heel.

Now onto the recaps of week 3. Hope you all enjoy 👏🏾

[myscottsdale]

Children's Dental Hygiene Tips from My Scottsdale Dentist

Introduction: 

Children’s dental hygiene is a concern from the moment a child’s first teeth come in, but treatment doesn’t necessarily start right away. Says Cindy, dental hygienist at My Scottsdale Dentist, It’s more monitoring and education than strictly treatment until they are about a year old, usually. We don’t want to leave a bad impression with kids.

Children's Willingness to Participate

"Some kids open right up," Cindy notes regarding children's readiness to begin dental hygiene. "Other kids, we don’t push into it. We are more concerned with making them comfortable than getting them in the chair right away." It's important to create a positive and welcoming environment so that children associate dental visits with positive experiences rather than fear or discomfort. Establishing trust early on helps in building a foundation for lifelong dental health.

Early maintenance is important, however: without proper care, children’s teeth can become infected or abscessed, causing intense pain. Some primary molars, located near the back of the mouth, aren’t replaced until ages 10 to 14. Those teeth have to last until they are naturally replaced — losing them early due to neglect or poor hygiene can cause problems that extend beyond a child’s chompers later in life.

Importance of Early Maintenance:

Despite a gentle approach, early maintenance is crucial. Without proper care, children's teeth can become infected or abscessed, causing intense pain. Primary molars, located near the back of the mouth, aren’t replaced until ages 10 to 14. These teeth need to last until they are naturally replaced. Losing them early due to neglect or poor hygiene can cause long-term problems beyond dental health. These issues can include misalignment of permanent teeth and potential complications with jaw development. Therefore, it is essential to emphasize the importance of regular dental check-ups and cleanings from an early age.

The Impact of Dental Hygiene on Overall Well-being

Steven H. Poulos, a doctor at My Scottsdale Dentist in Scottsdale, AZ, understands these issues well. "Lack of proper dental hygiene can lead to bad breath, which lowers a child’s self-confidence during an important time in the development of their social skills," says Dr. Poulos. Proper dental hygiene can also prevent painful conditions such as cavities and gum disease, which can affect a child's ability to eat and speak properly. Maintaining good oral health is integral to overall well-being and self-esteem.

Many bad habits are also unrelated to brushing and flossing, warned Steven Poulos DDS. Digit sucking and protracted pacifier use can lead to palate complications and a malformed bite.

There are a few distinct aspects that separate kids dentistry from adults. Length of appointments, types of treatment and their frequency make every visit unique — just like the smiles that they are meant to keep healthy.

We usually to concentrate more on education with kids than adults, though we try to educate anyone who comes in about how to brush properly, about eating good foods, et cetera, said Poulos. Kids also always get fluoride treatment, where an adult might only receive it based on their history of cavities.

Addressing Bad Habits Early:

Dr. Poulos also warns about habits unrelated to brushing and flossing. "Digit sucking and prolonged pacifier use can lead to palate complications and a malformed bite." These habits can alter the shape of the mouth and teeth, leading to the need for orthodontic intervention later on. Parents should encourage children to stop these habits early to prevent such issues. Providing positive reinforcement and alternatives, such as using a comforting toy or blanket, can help children break these habits.

Pediatric dentistry differs from adult dentistry in several ways, including the length of appointments and types of treatments. "We usually concentrate more on education with kids than adults," Dr. Poulos explains. "Kids also always get fluoride treatment, whereas an adult might only receive it based on their history of cavities." Fluoride treatments help strengthen enamel and prevent decay, which is particularly important for young, developing teeth. The pediatric approach also involves using smaller, child-friendly tools and techniques to ensure a comfortable experience.

Kids have heard from their parents — and parents, from their dentists — that candy, sugary drinks like soda and even pacifiers can cause dental issues down the road. But there are a couple of less-obvious practices that even parents might not suspect for the degradation of their child’s dental health.

Braces and Orthodontic Care:

One widely feared aspect of kids' dental care is braces. Not all kids need or get them, and the necessity is evaluated on a case-by-case basis around age six. Factors like genetics and certain childhood habits, such as digit sucking, can force teeth into an unnatural shape, potentially requiring braces to correct. Early assessment by an orthodontist can help determine the best course of action and the optimal time to begin treatment. Addressing alignment issues early can lead to more effective and shorter treatment durations.

Identifying and Avoiding Harmful Practices

Kids have often heard from their parents and dentists that candy, sugary drinks like soda, and even pacifiers can cause dental issues. However, there are less-obvious practices that can degrade dental health. Educating both parents and children about these hidden dangers is key to preventing future dental problems.

The Danger of Sports Drinks and Bottled Milk:

Poulos’s chosen culprit? Sports drinks in older kids, Doc said, âcan be as bad for the teeth as any soda. Another dentally-dangerous habit, according to Dr. Poulos, is putting kids to sleep with bottled milk as opposed to water due to the concentration of sugar in the former. Everyone notices a nice smile, just like how everyone notices a bad one. There are many principles and practices that can help ensure the health of a child’s smile, but the most important tenet is education. Parents know that children can be obstinate about avoiding bad foods, limiting sugary drinks and actually brushing their teeth twice a day, but a pea-sized lesson every day can save you and your kid time, money and grief down the road.

Education: The Key to Healthy Smiles

Education is the most important principle for ensuring the health of a child’s smile. While children can be obstinate about avoiding bad foods, limiting sugary drinks, and brushing their teeth twice a day, daily lessons can save time, money, and grief in the long run. Teaching children about the importance of dental hygiene and guiding them to make healthy choices will help establish lifelong habits. Fun and interactive activities, such as using a timer while brushing or picking out their own toothbrush, can make dental care more engaging for children.

"Kids have age on their side," Dr. Poulos points out. "There’s time for them to begin practicing healthy habits that adults don’t have. That gives them all the more reason to pay attention and start developing those healthy habits early." Parents should lead by example and make dental care a fun and engaging part of their daily routine. Consistency and encouragement are key to helping children develop and maintain good oral hygiene habits.

Conclusion:

Good dental hygiene is essential for your child's overall health and well-being. By establishing healthy habits early, you can set the foundation for a lifetime of healthy smiles. Regular dental visits, proper brushing and flossing techniques, and a balanced diet all contribute to maintaining excellent oral health.

To schedule an appointment or learn more about our pediatric dental services, visit our website or contact My Scottsdale Dentist today. We're dedicated to helping your child achieve optimal oral health. Our friendly and knowledgeable team is here to support you and your child every step of the way, ensuring that their smiles remain bright and healthy for years to come.

Kids have age on their side, said Dr. Stevens. There’s time for them to begin practicing healthy habits that adults don’t have. That gives them all the more reason to pay attention and start developing those healthy habits early.

[gimme-mor]

BETWEEN THE LINES: NIGHT COURT ELAIN & SPRING COURT FEYRE

*DISCLAIMER*

This is a really long post and based on my interpretation of the text.

This is strictly an analysis of Elain as a character because, in my opinion, there isn’t a lot of talk about Elain outside of ships and conversations about her character arc typically revolve around to whom she is paired, especially if that person is Azriel. She is her own character and gets the short end of the stick in the fandom because everyone is more concerned about who she’s shipped with rather than her as a character.

Also, anyone who is rude/condescending will automatically be blocked.

In ACOSF, SJM went out of her way on two occasions to highlight Elain not looking good in black. While it may be minor or insignificant to some, I think those instances were meant to show something about Elain specifically and what she may be going through in the Night Court. Elain has been a passive character for the most part, contributing to things in her own way earlier in the series. But after she was taken by the Cauldron, her safety has become everyone’s main concern and the other characters have slowly excluded her from courtly matters. In ACOWAR, this was understandable because she was traumatized and not fully present. However, as of ACOSF, Elain was still excluded from courtly matters with the other characters heavily relying upon Nesta, who made her reservations known, because they were on a time constraint and couldn’t afford to wait for Elain to reacquaint herself with her powers.

The fact that the other characters use the kidnapping situation to excuse their current actions toward Elain is eerily similar to the way Tamlin and Lucien used the Under the Mountain events to excuse Tamlin’s actions toward Feyre in ACOMAF. And the characters use Elain and Feyre’s safety to justify why neither of them should be involved. In my opinion, Elain in the Night Court resembles Feyre in the Spring Court because not only do they experience similar things, but both of them are (or were in Feyre’s case) in places that stunt their growth. Even though Night Court Elain isn’t exposed to all of the things that Spring Court Feyre was exposed to, the similarities in their experiences (and how those similarities might potentially impact Elain similarly to the way they impacted Feyre) shouldn’t be overlooked.

Being monitored

Feyre

I was too watched－too monitored and judged. Why should the bride of the High Lord learn to fight if peace had returned? That had been Ianthe’s reasoning when I’d made the mistake of mentioning it at dinner. Tamlin, to his credit, had seen both sides: I’d learn to protect myself...but the rumors would spread. (ACOMAF)

“Tamlin－Tamlin, I can’t...I can’t live my life with guards around me day and night. I can’t live with that...suffocation. Just let me help you－let me work with you.” (. . .) “I’m drowning,” I managed to say. “I am drowning. And the more you do this, the more guards...You might as well be shoving my head under the water.” (ACOMAF)

Elain

Nesta said, “The Trove. And what happened the last time I scried.” Feyre said, “We won’t allow any harm to come to Elain. Rhys warded her this morning, and we have eyes on her at all times.” “Eyes can be blinded,” Nesta said. “Not the ones under my command,” Azriel said with soft menace. Nesta met his stare, knowing he was the only one aside from Feyre who could truly understand her hesitation. He’d gone with Feyre into the heart of Hybern’s camp to save Elain－he knew the risk. “We won’t make the same mistake twice.” She believed him. “All right.” (ACOSF)

Trying to fit in

Feyre

I hated the bright dresses that had become my daily uniform, but didn’t have the heart to tell Tamlin－not when he’d bought so many, not when he looked so happy to see me wear them. Not when his words weren’t far from the truth. The day I put on my pants and tunics, the day I strapped weapons to myself like fine jewelry, it would send a message far and clear across the lands. So I wore the gowns, and let Alis arrange my hair－if only so it would buy these people a measure of peace and comfort. (ACOMAF)

I sometimes debated asking her to pray for me as well. To pray that I’d one day learn to love the dresses, and the parties, and my role as a blushing, pretty bride. (ACOMAF)

Elain

And he knew the cruelty of the Hewn City troubled her. But she hadn’t hesitated to come. When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court－and would do whatever she needed. (ACOSF)

So Elain had let her golden-brown hair down tonight, and pinned it back with twin combs of pearl. He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court...It sucked the life from her. (ACOSF)

Pretending everything’s all right

Feyre

“Fine,” I breathed. I made myself look him in the eye, made myself smile. (ACOMAF)

Elain

“And you?” I made myself say. “Are you－all right?” Elain looked over a shoulder at me as we entered the foyer, then turned left－to the dining room. In the sitting room across the way, all conversation halted at the smell of food. “Why wouldn’t I be all right?” she asked, a smile lighting up her face. I’d seen those smiles before. On my own damn face. (ACOFAS)

Clothes not looking right on them

Feyre

I really, truly hated my wedding gown. It was a monstrosity of tulle and chiffon and gossamer, so unlike the loose gowns I usually wore: the bodice fitted, the neckline curved to plump my breasts, and the skirts...The skirts were a sparkling tent, practically floating in the balmy spring air (. . .) I might have dealt with it all if it weren’t for the puffy capped sleeves, so big I could almost see them glinting from the periphery of my vision. My hair had been curled, half up, half down, entwined with pearls and jewels and the Cauldron knew what, and it had taken all my self-control to keep from cringing at the mirror before descending the sweeping stairs into the main hall. (ACOMAF)

I again surveyed the room, my wedding gown hissing on the warm marble floors. I peered down at myself. You look ridiculous. (ACOMAF)

Elain

Elain in black was ridiculous. Yes, she was beautiful, but the color of her long-sleeved, modest gown leeched the brightness from her face. It wore her, rather than the other way around. (ACOSF)

Looking good in clothes that suit them and that fact being pointed out

Feyre

My high-waisted peach pants were loose and billowing, gathered at the ankles with velvet cuffs of bright gold. The long sleeves of the matching top were made of gossamer, also gathered at the wrists, and the top itself hung just to my navel, revealing a sliver of skin as I walked. Comfortable, easy to move in－to run. Feminine. Exotic. (ACOMAF)

But those claws now dug in－and my entire body, my heart, my lungs, my blood yielded to his grip, utterly at his command as he said, The fashion of the Night Court suits you. (ACOMAF)

Elain

Gone was the ill-suited black dress from the ball, replaced by a gown of amethyst velvet, her hair half-up and curling down to her waist. She glowed with good health. (ACOSF)

People not wanting them to be involved in things

Feyre

“I want to go.” “No.” I crossed my arms, tucking my tattooed hand under my right bicep, and spread my feet slightly further apart on the dirt floor of the stables. “It’s been three months. Nothing’s happened, and the village isn’t even five miles－” “No.” (ACOMAF)

“I could use my powers against Hybern.” “That’s out of the question,” Tamlin said, “especially as there will be no war against Hybern.” “Rhys says war is inevitable, and we’ll be hit hard.” Lucien said drily, “And Rhys knows everything?” “No－but...He was concerned. He thinks I can make a difference in any upcoming conflict.” Tamlin flexed his fingers－keeping those claws contained. “You have no training in battle or weaponry. And even if I started training you today, it’d be years before you could hold your own on an immortal battlefield.” He took a tight breath. “So despite what he thinks you might be able to do, Feyre, I’m not going to have you anywhere near a battlefield. Especially if it means revealing whatever powers you have to our enemies. You’d be fighting Hybern at your front, and have foes with friendly faces at your back.” “I don’t care－” “I care,” Tamlin snarled. Lucien whooshed out a breath. “I care if you die, if you’re hurt, if you will be in danger every moment for the rest of our lives. So there will be no training, and we’re going to keep this between us.” (ACOMAF)

Elain

“Nesta’s spine straightened. No one spoke, but their attention lingered on her like a film on her skin. ‘You will not go looking for it.’” (ACOSF)

“Then go off on adventures,” Nesta said. “Go drink and fuck strangers. But stay away from the Cauldron.” (. . .) “Keep out of this,” she hissed at her youngest sister. “I have no doubt you put these thoughts in her head, probably encouraging her to throw herself into harm’s way－” (ACOSF)

Amren said, “We do not have the time to wait for Nesta to decide. I say we approach Elain tomorrow. Better to have both of them working on it.” Azriel stiffened, an outright sign of temper from him as he said quietly, “There is an innate darkness to the Dread Trove that Elain should not be exposed to.” “But Nesta should?” Cassian growled. Everyone stared at him. He swallowed, offering an apologetic glance to Az, who shrugged it off. Amren drained her wine and said to Cassian, “Nesta has a week. One more week to find the Trove with her own methods. Then we seek out other routes.” She threw a nod toward Azriel. “Including Elain, who is more than capable of defending herself against the darkness of the Trove, if she chooses to. Don’t underestimate her.” (ACOSF)

“I think Eris is our ally, and will expect to dance with a lady of this court at the ball no matter what. I won’t let Feyre within five feet of him, Mor might kill him, and Amren is more likely to scare him off than win him over, so you and Elain are the only options.” “Elain doesn’t go near him,” Feyre said. (ACOSF)

Their safety being brought up when they want to be involved

Feyre

“Please. The recovery efforts are so slow. I could hunt for the villagers, get them food－” “It’s not safe,” Tamlin said, again nudging his stallion into a walk. The horse’s coat shone like a dark mirror, even in the shade of the stables. “Especially not for you.” He’d said that every time we had this argument; every time I begged him to let me go to the nearby village of High Fae to help rebuild what Amarantha had burned years ago (. . .) “People want to come back, they want a place to live－” “Those same people see you as a blessing－a marker of stability. If something happened to you…” (. . .)Tamlin said softly, “I can’t do what I need to if I’m worrying about whether you’re safe.” (ACOMAF)

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he murmured. “It’s fine,” I breathed. “I understand.” Not a lie, but not quite the truth. His fingers grazed lower, circling my belly button. “You are－you’re everything to me,” he said thickly. “I need...I need you to be all right. To know they can’t get to you－can’t hurt you anymore.” (ACOMAF)

“Tamlin got what I didn’t,” Lucien said softly, his breathing ragged. “We all heard your neck break. But you got to come back. And I doubt that he will ever forget that sound, either. And he will do everything in his power to protect you from that danger again, even if it means keeping secrets, even if it means sticking to rules you don’t like. In this, he will not bend. So don’t ask him to－not yet.” (ACOMAF)

“Did he let you take me today,” I said hoarsely, “so that I’d stop asking to help rebuild?” “No. I decided to take you myself. For that exact reason. They don’t want or need your help. Your presence is a distraction and a reminder of what they went through.” (. . .) “I know you wanted to help,” Lucien offered. “I’m sorry.” So was I. (ACOMAF)

Elain

“The last time we involved ourselves with the Cauldron, it abducted you,” Nesta countered, fighting her shaking. (ACOSF)

“Like calls to like,” Amren countered. “You were Made by the Cauldron. You may track other objects Made by it as well, as Briallyn can. And because you are Made by it, you are immune to the influence and power of the Trove. You might use them, yes, but they cannot be used upon you.” A glance to Elain. “Either of you.” Nesta swallowed. “I can’t.” But to let Elain involve herself, jeopardize her safety－ (ACOSF)

Nesta’s pulse pounded throughout her body. “Do you not remember the war? What we encountered? Do you not remember the Cauldron kidnapping you, bringing you into the heart of Hybern’s camp?” “I do,” Elain said coldly. (ACOSF)

If it was between her and Elain, there was no choice at all. She would always go first if it meant keeping Elain from harm. Even if she’d just hurt her sister more than she could stomach. (ACOSF)

Pushing back against what others want

Feyre

He hissed, “You have no idea how hard it is for him to even let you off the estate grounds. He’s under more pressure than you realize.” “I know exactly how much pressure he endures. And I didn’t realize I’d become a prisoner.” “You’re not－” He clenched his jaw. “That’s not how it is and you know it.” “He didn’t have any trouble letting me hunt and wander on my own when I was a mere human. When the borders were far less safe.” “He didn’t care for you the way he does now. And after what happened Under the Mountain…” The words clanged in my head, along my too-tense muscles. “He’s terrified. Terrified of seeing you in his enemies’ hands. And they know it, too－they know all they have to do to own him would be to get ahold of you.” “You think I don’t know that? But does he honestly expect me to spend the rest of my life in that manor, overseeing servants and wearing pretty clothes?” (ACOMAF)

Elain

Cassian shifted in his seat. “So we track down the Dread Trove－how?” Elain spoke from the doorway, having appeared so silently that they all twisted toward her, “Using me.” Nesta’s head went silent as Elain’s words finished sounding in the room. Feyre had twisted in her seat, face white with alarm. Nesta shot to her feet. “No.” Elain remained in the doorway, her face pale but her expression harder than Nesta had ever seen it. “You do not decide what I can and cannot do, Nesta.” (ACOSF)

“It nearly killed me. It trapped me like a bird in a cage.” Elain said, “Then I will find it. I might require some time to...reacquaint myself with my powers, but I could start today.” “Absolutely not,” Nesta spat, fingers curling at her sides. “Absolutely not.” “Why?” Elain demanded. “Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.” (ACOSF)

Being used as pawns against others

Feyre

“We need you to tell us everything,” Tamlin said. “The layout of the Night Court, who you saw, what weapons and powers they bore, what Rhys did, who he spoke to, any and every detail you can recall.” “I didn’t realize I was a spy.” Lucien shifted in his seat, but Tamlin said, “As much as I hate your bargain, you’ve been granted access into the Night Court. Outsiders rarely get to go in－and if they do, they rarely come out in one piece. And if they can function, their memories are usually...scrambled. Whatever Rhysand is hiding in there, he doesn’t want us knowing about it.” (ACOMAF)

Elain

Rhys angled his head at the not-quite question. “I trust in the fact that we currently have possession of the one thing he wants above all else. And as long as that remains, he’ll try to stay on our good side. But if that changes...His talent was wasted in the Spring Court. There was a reason he had that fox mask, you know.” His mouth tugged to the side. “If he got Elain away, back to Spring or wherever...do you believe, deep down, that he wouldn’t sell what he knows? Either for gain, or to ensure she stays safe?” “You let him hear everything tonight, though.” (. . .) I considered his question: Did I trust Lucien? “I don’t know, either,” I admitted, and sighed. “I don’t like that Elain is a pawn in this.” “I know. It’s never easy.” (ACOWAR)

Cassian glowered at Amren. “It’s not right to wield Elain as a threat to manipulate Nesta into scrying.” “There are harsher ways to convince Nesta, boy.” (ACOSF)

Although Elain and Feyre are surrounded by two different groups of people with varying levels of care for their wellbeing, they’re treated similarly which is hard to overlook. In Elain’s situation, Nesta, Azriel, and Feyre take on the “Tamlin role” (either undermining Elain’s attempts to contribute to things or preventing Elain from helping altogether) while everyone else takes on the “Lucien role” (validating the concerns of others while also enabling their behaviors, which doesn’t support Elain’s desire to be involved).

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph!

This is the first time I'm asking you anything so sorry if I did it wrong.

I was just wondering if you've ever heard the song Two Moons by boywithuke? It just reminds me a lot of Johnlock's dynamic, especially later on, and thought you might like it :)

Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHezQOZ_2xk

Two moons, I can feel myself start catching on fire You knew, yeah you kept it to yourself, to your self Two moons, I get lost on my way searching for liars This ain't good for my health, no this ain't good for my health

Sorry, please excuse me for my mess My hearts been pouring through my chest I fell through corridors of broken floors I'm sorry that I left

Fell asleep in my new bed I can't feel happy in my head I see two moons and nothing more I close my door I'm left with less

I don't feel serene No, I don't feel too clean And I don't want to be the one to make you cry I'll play inside I'll start a fire I'll tell your friends That I lost my mind And it'll take a while But I'll start to smile Broken windows and Broken tiles Frozen willows will Go for miles Hope will let go Yeah that's its style And you don't know Where my soul's heading And I'm forgetting you So I'll say

Sorry, please excuse me for my mess My hearts been pouring through my chest I fell through corridors of broken floors I'm sorry that I left

Fell asleep in my new bed I can't feel happy in my head I see two moons and nothing more I close my door I'm left with less

Left, right, my eye's sight is diminishing My life sucks at night I try to finish it Early, pearly whites get blurry Surely I'll go bite the dirty dust Cuts deeper as my head goes nuts I'll be a believer if I ever see trust I must be disgusting rust God I hate myself I just wanna unplug

Yeah fuck no I go where I want to But I'm stuck in my bedroom I'm telling lies to keep myself from hurting those around you Yeah after all these years, I found you I found you Again

Sorry please excuse me for my mess My hearts been pouring through my chest I fell through corridors of broken floors I'm sorry that I left

Fell asleep in my new bed I can't feel happy in my head I see two moons and nothing more I close my door I'm left with less (I close my door) (I'm left with less) (I close my door) (I'm left with less)

(Lyrics from AZ Lyrics)

Hey Lovely!

AHHHHH LOVE IT!! It's so catchy and fun, and totally is very Johnlock! I love it, thank you for the addition!!

🎶 LISTEN TO THE JOHNLOCK PLAYLIST ON [SPOTIFY] & [YOUTUBE] 🎶

[dontkaraabit]

Days on ambilify

I started ambilify Oct 30. I’m gonna document how it helps or if it helps my mental health on here. I have ocd, generalized anxiety, and bipolar 2.

Heads up it’s a lot of complaining from here on out

Oct 31–The first day my eyes really hurt and my anxiety was really bad but I think it was because I was scared to start a new med.

November 1- On the second day my eyes still hurt and when it kicked in and when I woke up it kinda felt like my entire field of vision was a lava lamp (it was really bad when I closed my eyes); I was anxious but in terms of my bipolar cycle I wasn’t at a high and I wasn’t quite at a low, but I was moving closer to a low.

I think it’s way too soon to discuss if it’s helping the bipolar situation, and will be too soon to discuss for a few weeks. I’m also not manic or depressed, I just recently was manic and was cycling really quickly (like every few days); because I was on the wrong meds. (When I come out of a low or high, I’m fine for a bit before the next up or down.) But like I said I felt like before I started this med, I was moving towards a low. I would describe my overall mood as anxious because I’m sensitive to medications and I was worried about the eye thing.

November 2- I was super productive. I woke up early and got all my work done and painted my nails by 9a. (Side note I paint my nails and cut them once a week because my self harm is scratching and short painted nails make it harder to scratch). I also started a new mood blanket.* I figured because I’m starting a new chapter in my mental health journey I should start a new blanket. I also let my cats hang on the patio all day which is big for me bc the OCD. They get dry bathes whenever they come in but it also means I’m basically outside all day because they aren’t allowed outside unsupervised. (I live in az it’s 70 degrees so it’s basically spring).

I would describe my overall mood as anxious, I put myself in an uncomfortable space (which I do believe is necessary for growth particularly for OCD) but the resulting emotion was anxiety, I’ve also been trying to be more active on the internet which is hard because I’m an introvert and have a hard time reaching out to people.

*a mood blanket is basically a temperature blanket (every mood is a different color—when I’m low on cash similar emotions are the same color). I use them to recognize my emotions instead of journaling but I think I’m going to try both hence this.

November 3- I didn’t sleep last night. Which makes me worry because I wouldn’t consider myself an insomniac but not sleeping is becoming my norm…

Today felt relatively normal besides that I didn’t have any anxiety until about 10, but my anxiety was caused by chest pain or vis versa. My mom/nurse/person I call when anything I very wrong said a big medical word I don’t understand, but my chest muscle is sore. So I would say my feeling/mood for the day is fine.

November 4- today sucked. I was so sick all day and I have no idea if it’s a side effect or if I just ate something bad. Like I’ve been nauseous on this med after I eat pretty consistently but today was next level. I was doubled over in pain from my stomach, it felt like I had the flu. Let me go back a second when I started today I was fine, then I got a “you haven’t had enough water signal” from the toperimate (my hands start to tingle then go numb) so I knew I was dehydrated and there was a big thing about drinking water on the papers that came w the med (perks for having a nurse in the fam you read those things so you can answer questions lmao). So I do think not having enough water was a main factor in why I felt bad today. But why I think it could be a side effect or food related is because I get nauseous after I eat. Side note: my therapist missed our appointment and I really need to go to therapy do to the the mass amounts of anxiety I’m having. Overall mood: sick.

November 5- OCD day.

November 6- I don’t feel comfortable in my body, like I’m not comfortable sitting, standing, laying down, walking, nothing. Red thinks I’m manic and so does my mom. I haven’t slept in days; all I want to do is crotchet because I can count. I think I’m just tired and having OCD overload.* I started taking the med in the morning today and half of it. I messaged my doctor two days ago about doing this because of the whole not sleeping thing, I’ll probably hear back on Monday. My overall all mood is anxiety because while tired is a feeling, I don’t think tired is a mood but anxiety over not being able to sleep is. Why isn’t it OCD you ask? It is but I’m also exhausted because of the OCD. I just need sleep.

*all ocd terminally is extremely unoffical. It’s just how I describe my ocd to my doctors. (Psy/ therapist)

November 7- today is my last day on ambilify lol. I told my psy how I was vibing and she was like lol no that’s not okay (my therapist said the same thing). So we no longer are taking it lol. But it won’t be out of my system for three days. Overall mood anxiety

[haruchiyos]

OMG AZ HIIIIII !!! Im sending u the best wishes with the new meds and the transition back to school!! Mwah mwah ❤️ Take care of yourself n ur non tumbs life first!! We will always be here hehehehe ANYWAY i hope youre doing well in your job!! If i remember correctly u said that u were afraid the meds would interfere with how you made menus so im hoping u n ur psychiatrist were able to find a solution for u that works with ur lifestyle!!! Not being able to do what youre passionate abt always sucks (i once fell down a flight of stairs n almost broke my butt </3 couldnt sit at my desk to draw for a while!!!) but i hope that youve found a good balance that works for you! Stay hydrated n well fed, loves n kisses mmmmmwahhhh ❤️❤️❤️

oh my gods hun, thank you for taking the time to write all this to me. you're so sweet and incredibly thoughtful for checking in on me.

little health med update below

so we (my psychiatrist and I) have sort of found a solution, well we are in the process of it but so far the adjustment to my current meds seems to be taking well. time will tell. im doing well enough tho now with the sleep issue that its no longer impacting my daily function (I'll have one or two bad days a week now at most). so progress has been made!! I appreciate you so so much, really. It always shocks me that people actually care enough to read through my (mostly) senseless rants to the void. and the fact that you remembered it and came to check on me after the fact is so kind, so thank you. Im sorry it took me so long to respond to this, but im sending you so much love in return and would love to hear from you again <3333

[acourtofthought]

Amren:

Amren toyed with one of her BLACK pearl earrings.

Mor:

“How’d it go?” Mor said, straightening beside Cassian. No gown today—just practical BLACK pants and a thick blue sweater.

Rhys:

His hands were in his pockets, his BLACK tunic seeming to gobble up the light. And on his head sat a crown of stars.

Az and Cassian:

Clad in battle-BLACK that hugged their muscled forms, their armor was intricate, scaled—their shoulders impossibly broader, their faces a portrait of unfeeling brutality.

Every member of the IC is mentioned as wearing black.... without it being given a second thought.

What's more interesting though, is the juxtaposition of the three sisters wearing black within the same room:

Feyre:

She wore a dress of sparkling BLACK panels.

Feyre might as well have been a goddess of old, crowned and glowing.

Nesta:

Nesta in Night Court BLACK threatened to bring him to his knees.

Elain:

Elain in BLACK was ridiculous

He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.

Feyre looks like a goddess of old in black.

Nesta in black nearly brings Cassian to his knees.

And Elain...... Elain looks ridiculous. Lifeless.

All the other members of the IC have been mentioned as wearing black with either nothing being made of it or a compliment following it. Yet the ONE time Elain is in black and SJM made damn sure to let us know how terrible it looked on her.

Not to mention hammering that home a little more when Nesta remarks on Elains change of wardrobe:

Gone was the ill-suited black dress from the ball, replaced by a gown of amethyst velvet.

She glowed with good health.

But we're crazy for thinking anything is being hinted at with Elain in black, the signature color of the Night Court, right? 🤔

[isa-ah]

whats up with the hot unhinged guy you were friends with 👀

when i worked in an airport out in az i used to go to the wendys down from my kiosk like twice a day right i was buddies w everyone there. & then one day he started working there as this over 6ft quiet fry cook with a beard n messy hair which obviously i was like 😳 about so i managed to get him to come out of his shell & start hanging around my kiosk to talk on his breaks and after his shifts.

at first it was really nice! we'd just bullshit about all kinds of different things and he was really supportive of my being trans; he had hearing aids and talked REALLY loudly sometimes so when customers would misgender me he would comment on me w masculine terms really loudly to them which made it suuuper uncomfortable for them to keep calling me ma'am lol he started driving me home from work most nights and it was nice, we'd just hang out in his car and talk about trauma and therapy, he'd compliment how testosterone was affecting me and tbh he was the reason i started seeing a therapist in phoenix and was one of the only people i talked to about thinking i was a system like a year before i ever brought it up anywhere else? i thought he was a pretty great guy.

but like y'know the more you hang out w a shithead the more comfortable they are to start saying things that make you go UH... and he was HUGELY one of those. we would go to walmart and just mill around while he bitched really loudly about his mom & women & lesbians bc he had high incel vibes and blamed lesbians for his not getting laid? the way he talked about women overall was very. gross. like mommy objects that should worship him & id try to talk to him about it but he was very big and very loud so it was easy to shut me down. he'd also talk about porn and hentai ALLLL the time, and i told him frequently that y'know ive got my own woogy shit about discussing sex and im pretty ace and he'd be like sucks for you and keep going. (which as u can imagine included lollies and incest anime 🙄).

my stupid ass was too nice tbh. he was in his thirties and told me frequently i was the first and only friend he'd had since he was a kid & that my support made him a better person and got him out of his head and trauma and i really genuinely wanted to be that for him so id try to babygate problematic commentary but it never went very far. which sucks when you know how gentle and kind someone can be when they're not being GROSS & he really did a lot for me at a very suicidal point in my working a soul sucking job for 2+ years.

i put up with it until we were driving around one afternoon to go to the store near my apartment and he decided abruptly we should hang out at his place so he could show me some of his favorite anime. i tentatively agreed bc i knew he was living on a compound that monitored him bc his mental health issues had lead to violence against his family a couple times and that he had a roomie that was kinda creepy. what i didn't realize was that he lived WAY outside of phoenix and by the time we got there i was so unsettled i wanted to turn around and go home. but we didn't!

instead we spent hours at his apartment while i periodically was like hey can we go soon? hey can i go home? hey can you take me back to phoenix? bc we were so far out i couldn't afford to order an uber for myself and he knew that.

when he finally agreed sometime after sunset we got back in his car and he pulled right back off the highway a few minutes later "to grab some dinner to go :)" and i was like at that point burning up anxious so i was like okay as long as we can just grab it and go! but he got it to stay in and sat down so i sat down too. & when i say we sat there as he ate over half a pizza at his leisure while i checked my phone constantly to let my fiance know what was up and i kept asking outright to go... ugh. & then his ass had the audacity to go like an actual supervillain, "one of my favorite things to do is put people in really uncomfortable positions to watch them squirm. its fun because im usually the smartest person in the room, so it's easy to do." while smiling at me. & i was like. oh boy this is it this guy's gunna crazy murder me now bc i literally cannot afford to leave. 💖

i got home safe and to his retrospective credit i don't think he'd of ever actually hurt me (he did that yeah but he thought really highly of me and our friendship) but i ghosted him after that. luckily he quit his job like the next day bc they kept giving him shit so after he left i blocked his number. he knew where we lived tho so i staid anxious for weeks after... he's definitely tried to get in touch since but man that is not for me! not for me. and i have not made a single real life friend since. :)

[fanficfaerie]

Babysitting Adventures

Word count : 1.2k

“Are you sure you got this?” Feyre asked for the fifteenth time. She was already so worried about Nyx’s small size and his health, and leaving him alone with Cassian and Azriel to go to a high lord meeting wasn’t exactly helping her relax.

“Of course, we do Feyre, this isn’t the first time we’ve taken care of him. We’ll be fine.” Cassian replied. But in reality, he was trembling. He knew how protective Rhys and Feyre were of Nyx, and any mistake on their side wouldn’t go unnoticed.

“Trust me Rhys, we’ll be okay. And if anything goes wrong - which it won’t - we’ll call you immediately.” Azriel tried to reassure Rhys.

“Okay,” Rhys replied, “Just take care of him.”

“And remember to give him his milk, and burp him afterwards. And he can sleep without a nightlamp, but keep his door open.” Feyre added. She could never forget the time when they had closed his door, and Nyx had gotten so scared that he had woken up the entire house with his wails.

“We’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Cassian said.

Both Feyre and Rhys sighed, but went up to kiss the 10-month-old who was soundly sleeping in Azriel’s arms. “Love you baby.” They both kissed him on the cheek, and made their way to the door. Feyre looked back at sleeping Nyx one last time, before Rhys winnowed them away to the day court-where the meeting was being held.

“Are you scared?” Cassian asked Az

Az replied in a sombre voice, “Terrified.”

“Where did you keep the bottle?” Azriel tried to ask Cassian over the screaming.

“In the kitchen dickhead, where else would it be?” Cass replied

“Then go get it. And don’t get mad at me, it isn’t my fault you can’t take care of a baby.” Az retorted

“Can’t take care of a baby he says…hasn’t even held a baby once in his life…” Cass mumbled as he made his way to the kitchen. He got the bottle and came inside the living room where Azriel was bouncing Nyx on his lap.

“Shh Shh…,” he was cooing.” There’s nothing to cry about baby…”

“Most people would kill to see such a sight you know” Cassian joked

“Just give me the fucking bottle” Az replied angrily. He took the bottle from Cass and put it near the baby’s mouth. “Good boy, just drink your milk and fall asleep...”

“He’s not a dog you know. He won’t listen to your orders.” Cass said

“Are you here to help me or make fun of me?” Az asked, exasperated

“Mainly the latter” Cassian replied.

“It would have been so much better if Mor were here” Az mused. Mor had immediately said no when Feyre had asked her to babysit by saying that she had some business at the night court to attend to. So, Cass and Az were all alone.

Nyx, who had been sucking his bottle quite peacefully until that moment, suddenly threw the bottle down and started screaming again.

“What does he want now?” Az whined

“Maybe try burping him? That’s what Feyre told us to do” Cass suggested

Az adjusted the baby and gently started stroking his back. But that didn’t seem to help, and Nyx screamed even louder.

“Az,” Cassian said, wrinkling his nose at the disgusting stench filling the room, “maybe we need to change his diaper”

“What?!” Az shrieked, “you need to do that please”

Cassian sighed and took the baby in his arms. He made his way upstairs, keeping Nyx a safe distance away from him. He laid him down on the changing mat, and whispered to himself, “I got this.”

“You’re doing it absolutely wrong Cass” Az complained from where he stood near the door, far away from Nyx and Cass.

“Maybe you want to come and try this instead of standing there. Believe me Az, I’ve cut down the most disgusting demons, but nothing comes close to this.”

“How are you going to do it when its your child, hmm?” Az asked

Cass blushed at the statement, mumbling quietly, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” he said

“Oh come on,” Az replied, “don’t think that I don’t know that you and Nesta have talked about your future together.”

“Don’t try to change the topic Az, help me. Please!” Cassian exclaimed

“Fine, fine” Az said, slowly making his way to where Nyx lay, “go get the wipes”

After making many faces and after lots of unwanted prompts from Az, Cassian finally managed to change Nyx’s diaper.

“We’re good now,” Cass said, “we just have to get him to sleep. That should be easy.”

Getting Nyx to sleep was not easy. Az and Cass tried to rock him in all directions, hold him in every way possible, but Nyx would not stop crying.

“Cass, how are we going to get him to sleep. We need help” Az asked, worried.

“I don’t know…I wish Mor were here” Cassian replied.

“I’m here now peasants” said a voice from the door. and there, standing in the doorway was Mor, in all her glory. At least, it looked that way to Cassian and Azriel.

“Mor!” they both exclaimed happily.

“How are you here? I thought you were in the hewn city.” Az asked her

“Rhys asked me to be here, he wanted Nyx in the hands of someone more capable.” Mor replied

Cass and Az looked at each other. They were going to have a talk with their high lord later. But they were glad to have their mor at that moment. Az handed Nyx to Mor, and lo and behold, he immediately stopped crying.

“Wh- what? How does he not cry with you?” Cass asked

“I’m way above you heathens. Kids love me.” Mor replied smugly. “Right Nyx, you love me, don’t you? Go to sleep now…shh...” she cooed

Az and Cass breathed a sigh of relief, glad that mor could take it from here. They were exhausted, and decided that they were going to babysit Nyx when he’s much older, and doesn’t cry while being fed.

Mor had Nyx asleep in mere minutes, and laid him down in his cot. All three of them went out of the room, remembering to keep the door open. They made their way down the stairwell, and plunked themselves down on the couch.

“When are Rhys and Feyre coming home? I don’t know how they do this every day” Az asked. “They’ll be back any minute now.” Mor replied.

Sure enough, they arrived at the front door a few minutes later. They saw the three of them laying down on the couches, and raised an eyebrow. “it didn’t go that well, I take it?” Feyre asked them

Az and Cass showed them the pictures of the evening in their minds, and both of them couldn’t help but laugh at their attempts. “Well now we know who needs more practice babysitting” Rhys joked

“What? No!” Az and Cass exclaimed. Rhys, Feyre and Mor laughed out loud at their outburst, enjoying the fact that Cass and Az were unnecessarily worrying themselves.

“Don’t worry guys, we won’t leave you alone with Nyx, not without Mor with you” Feyre said

“Oh, that’s fine then” Az sighed

And they all sat together by the fire till late, laughing at the adventures Cass and Az went through, in just in a span of a few hours. And Rhys and Feyre didn’t know what they had done to have got such lovely, dependable and – let’s be honest - hopeless friends.