#and the worst part is that i see the same happening with neurodivergent characters too

[lukmarc10]

bye there's a whole ass debate in the aroace community rn about whether or not it's "morally correct" to ship alastor from hazbin hotel with other characters and write smut of him bc he's aroace 💀

MY BROTHER IN CHRIST, HE'S LITERALLY JUST A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. SHIPPING HIM WITH OTHER CHARACTERS ISN'T GONNA CHANGE THE CANON IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. GET SOME REAL PROBLEMS.

– sincerely, a repulsed aroace who's tired of yalls bs

[russeliarat]

Maybe I'm getting a bit emotional but it's like 10pm and I can't sleep and I've been having thoughts about grief and I wanna talk about it.

If you didn't know, my nana died about 2 weeks ago from brain cancer-influenced seizure and I was hit surprisingly hard. With my neurodivergencies, I never really felt grief very much through my life and if I did, it was very childlike I suppose. I'd silently sit for an hour and think, then I'd be over it. No tears, no lash-outs, nothing like that. I honestly grieved lost friendships more than I've grieved actual deaths to be honest.

So now that my nana has died, I've been weirdly emotional. I've been taking so much time off college and not attending classes I know will make me too emotional. I've been getting really badly ill (there's already a flu bug going around but I got hit really really bad compared to everyone else). I've been lashing out and being angry and I've even taken it out on my lovely boyfriend for the first time ever (he was so so kind and sweet and understood why and helped me through it, funnily enough the anger did come from me literally fearing he'd died suddenly in his sleep while I was on call to him).

I think the worst part about it all is that my anxieties are coming back badly big time now. I had therapy a few years ago for my anxiety because it was very severe and me and my therapist targeted some very bad triggers and points for the anxiety - and they did go away and have never popped up again in about 2 years now. Suddenly, I'm now sitting up awake at night, fearfully leaping out my own skin from shock of the incomprehensible feelings I experience from thinking about death, only to immediately forget it all moments later due to how effective dissociative disorders are at doing so. Now, I momentarily panic at the sound of train tracks rattling in the distance because of cargo trains and the fact it sounds like air raid sirens to my exhausted brain. I've started seeing faces when I close my eyes again and they aren't pleasant ones, and my imagination loves the idea of them being seen for real in the outside world.

I kinda thought I'd be over it all by now to be honest. I go real long stretches forgetting about it all, then suddenly my boyfriend falls asleep on call and I can't wake him up coz his headphones fell out (and I don't know) and I'm sobbing to him about please wake up, I don't want to lose you too. Suddenly, I tear up when my boss's mother who helps out at work (bless her soul she's so caring and wise, I'll miss her when I go to university) gives me advice every Wednesday and takes time to ask how I'm doing. Suddenly, I can't watch my favourite comfort childhood movies because a family member of the main character passes away.

And it's strange how it's like I'm back where I was 2 years ago, using the exact same hyperfixation to cope with a completely different process of grieving, despite having 3 different ones in between. It just comes back to this. S'pose I'll always be the same, I'm just more mature now and much more self-aware.

I've been so bitter lately that it makes me angry all over again. I used to be such a spiteful, hateful little prick of a child and then it got better. Then my nan died and now I'm back to being sporadically angry again, though this time not even I know what'll make me fly off the handle. I'll just start ranting and raving again - whether to myself, my headmates, or anyone in the outerworld that'll hear me out. I've become really cold and distant again too. I don't talk to people, even my friends, much and I look so visibly stressed out that people that don't know what's happened are genuinely concerned and asking if I'm okay.

I'm not sure how I'll fair when the funeral finally chugs along. I'll probably either sob my eyes out and insist on leaving as soon as possible, or sit there not really knowing what to do with myself. To make it worse, the main caretaker (and sister) of my nana was going against what she wanted and claimed stuff that wasn't hers to claim, so I don't think I could stand being in the same room as her. I can barely look at her facebook posts without becoming angry and bitter that she's getting so much love and well wishes despite what she did to my nana.

I'm a mess but I never really thought I would be. Don't really know when it'll stop to be honest, I feel like it should be over by now.

[beevean]

And another thing!!!! (My mind is occupied by this topic a lot this morning lol) The people who put those headcanons on the characters only focus on the Fun UwU Quirky parts of being neurodivergent. The amount of times I've seen stories or art of the tremendous drawbacks having such neurodivergencies brings with it can be counted on one hand. It's always the "omg Sonic is so hyperactive he's totes ADHD he likes running and struggles to sit still!!" in a So Cute So Silly So Relatable way, never the "you cannot get anything done despite mentally SCREAMING at yourself to get up and do your tasks, you think everyone in your life can't stand you, you insert your foot in your mouth every time you speak, you can't finish a task to save your life" way. It truly makes me wonder how people who give every single character a Fun Quirky So Silly neurodivergency think, especially when they only focus on the endearing parts.

"If "neurotypicalness" is associated ... can have a personality too." It's exactly this! Why would I want to go around saying I'm straight if everyone immediately declares me a boring bigot because of that? Why would I tell anyone I'm not sure if I'm neurodivergent or neurotypical if the latter will immediately make me come off as someone with zero interests who is a dick to anyone even slightly off what is considered "the norm"? I wouldn't say people stating these things are directly harmful, especially because in real life people simply do not think and act like on Tumblr, but I do firmly believe that it is simply hurtful for people who fall in the 'bad' categories. (But then again, I am also firmly convinced that Tumblr has a general mindset of "They hurt us first so now we get to hurt them back, for justice!!!", completely ignoring they have no idea who the recipients are in their daily life and what they stand for, so...)

Also I was actually thinking the other day of the Sonic Chest Fur theory, and... Sample size of four people. Good job, y'all! I honestly think that claiming that you can give your Forces Avatar chest fur regardless of gender is a more solid claim about how chest fur is not male-exclusive than stating that Sonic is Totes Trans because he lacks it. And also, that argument has never stopped anyone from headcanoning Shadow and Silver as trans.... I'm curious what would happen if you brought up the Sonic Has No Chest Fur argument to state those two cannot be, were it not that I think it'd be equal to throwing a bomb straight into a hornet's nest.

I don't know what else to add, we're on the same page 😂

There is definitely a tendency to cutesify autism and ADHD here. I have neither, so I'd rather not insist too much and leave others to speak out, but even I know that both come with massive challenges. That's why they're called disorders! They don't have to be life-debilitating ofc, they're not curses, but I can imagine how some ND people might be irritated by others, especially fellow NDs, simply ignoring their struggles because they're not appealing. Ngl I'd find a realistic portrayal of Sonic with ADHD much more refreshing than the usual "hehe he's hyperactive he's just like me fr fr <3"

(at least, when I see people headcanon a character as for example having BPD, they do acknowledge the difficulties that come with the disorder)

And yes, I do realize that Tumblr is not real life. Apparently 90% of people here are both ND and LGBT+, the complete opposite of real life. I get it. I don't want to come off as "wanting to be oppressed so bad" or whatever, at this point I'm too old to care. But still, young people are being shaped on Tumblr and especially on its nastier little sibling Twitter, and I don't want teens to internalize that cishet NT people are boring shells of human beings at best and asshole bigots at worst.

Personally I'd sooner headcanon that Shadow and Silver are a different kind of hedgehog compared to Sonic - they both have fur and eye markings, plus a similar eye shape, it's interesting. I also have... opinions on how generally trans Sonic is portrayed, but eh, I think I'm being problematic enough :V

[viovio]

10, 16, 18, 22 dinoverse?

10. worst part of fanon

You cannot belieeeeeve how much misogyny there is about Vanora that they'd make shit up about her.

You'd think reading her thoughts and input as the player character would make people's insight about her line up with canon but the whole thing is that she grows more and more out of player control and into her own choices as the chapters progress. Do not go into the vtsom fic tag worst mistake of my life but also someone had to be at the devil's sacrament.

Like yea she did. in fact. kill Vincent (deserved but also wooooooo my god... it was bound to happen to either of them and at the rate she's going she's gonna keep climbing bodies to get kicked down by Myers.) and manipulate Draco at the end to do the same but calling her abusive WHILE referring to their relationship before is insane I mean neurodivergent. His fixation and disillusionment of her isn't healthy💔

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Chaser Victor and happy family dads vinvic + son Draco for many reasons.

Mira's said this before but because I like Victor to an unhealthy degree (just like him fr) I'm kinda bummed he doesn't have any character outside of Vincent.

Which sort of makes sense within the context of his character and their til-the-end partnership but he's been having problems ingrained into him before RMU for sure. I'd like to see that it's insane I mean neurodivergent how they know each other better than anyone and are still stuck in the past. They're back at square 1 with never moving forward. (What's he gonna do when revenge goes through? Look at himself? no.)

Anyways I'm getting off-topic it creates conflict for sure which I love. If integrated into canon which is the direction it seems to be getting I'm sure dino will write in more for him but the way people write a chaser Victor just feels very ooc. You mean to tell me he would not tell Vincent?

That parts already gotten long so I'll summarize this stupid family shit + my kind little fucked up homonculi weapon who's also my brother and I make into my butler. I don't think they would make good parents so its so sucks when they turn Draco into a baby in fanart stop this madness

18. there should be more of this type of fic/art

ZALMONAAAAAAA ZALMONAS JOURNEY IN PROVING HER INNOCENCE. PLEASE PLEASE YOU'RE NOTHING SHE TALKS ABOUT A COUPLE OF AMUSING INCIDENTS IMAGINE G4S MOST WANTED CRIMINAL TELEPORTS INTO YOUR BATHHOUSE WITH YOUR COCK OUT PLEASEEEEE.

Honestly like who give a shit about the other districts that's something Dino should be writing about can we PLEASE get speculation on how the watch works. Is there a catch? does she get dizzy? What was her detective work like. I wanna replay chapter 3 because she's only had surface level info about Myers from the news so she had to do a lot of digging pleaseeeeee a parallel of her investigation and Vanora at Myers trying to cover stuff up would be so sweet.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

Being in the tranches it's same as above where is.where the fuck is Zalmona where is her meanness her brashness. Where is that that never contradicts her kindness, if you reduce her to the strong dumbass trope I'll kill you. I miss my wife Nini.

I wanna say in that same vein would be Vanora but I'm pleasantly surprised by the amount of art she gets, maybe it's bcoz of my mutuals but it's nice. Zalmona gets that too but it's not to the same degree tbh. I dontlike most dinoverse fans honestly

[asterekmess]

So, did anyone else notice that Stiles' ADHD disappeared like....a couple episodes into TW? No one mentioned the ADHD. No one mentioned the Adderall. Sure, he was still a hyperactive dweeb. But no one admitted why? Same thing happened with him admitting he had panic attacks for an indeterminate amount of time after his mom died. And when he told malia he had social anxiety, which had never ever been mentioned before then?

I remember feeling SO seen and understood when I first started the show. Stiles had ADHD and they Admitted it. He took medication for it. He was hyper and loud and he hyperfocused for ages on researching werewolves for Scott. And then...nothing. Or, not nothing. But nothing real. He just turned into the same blurry neurodivergent outline that we get everywhere else on television. All the Blatant expressions (hyper, loud, easily distracted, focuses too much on weird things) but with no explanation or understanding of them.

But Tali! What about his pinboard? What about the way he talks and moves and how emotional he is and the way he stims in classes and does research instead of paying attention?

And I see you! But how much of that was intentional? How much of it was just vestiges of Dylan being told that Stiles fidgets and is hyper as a general character trait? Sure, maybe Dylan had Stiles being ADHD in mind while he was acting! But that doesn't mean Stiles was being written as an ADHD character anymore.

No one ever mentions him taking his meds again. Not when he's super sick and can't sleep is S3B. Not when he is checked into a mental institution. Not when he's been kidnapped by Ghost riders and is spending However long locked in a different dimension. Not when he gets wasted! Multiple times!

If you didn't know: People on Adderall are NOT supposed to drink, let alone chug whiskey all night. And Adderall has BAD withdrawal symptoms; shakes, nausea, extreme anxiety, etc etc etc.

We were told at the start that he was ADHD, and then they decided after a few episodes that they didn't need to do anything else. It's been our job since the parent-teacher conference to find any evidence of him being ADHD. To scan his behavior on-screen for familiar stuff to our experiences, and then infer that it was 'meant' to be a symptom.

And on a related note: The ADHD symptoms we DO see are almost all the worst parts? Sure, the hyperfocus is a pretty neutral thing, since they never bothered to show the bit where you forget to eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom. But other stuff?

That joke about how much Adderall he'd taken that day *burns* me, especially now that I DO take Adderall. ADHD kids have to fight tooth and nail to get medicated with stimulants, and when we do, it is HELL to keep our prescriptions and get a new bottle every month. Because it IS a stimulant, and it's a controlled substance. Making a joke about someone abusing a medication that they NEED and that they worked like hell to get (and that is Stupidly expensive if we don't have good insurance), is awful.

Especially because, as I've ranted about before, stimulants Don't affect ADHD people the same as non-ADHD people. Our meds tone us DOWN, not wind us UP. It may not have been their intention, but making that joke when Stiles is hyper implies that he's NOT supposed to be on Adderall. A much more accurate joke would be checking to see if he'd taken his meds AT ALL, because he'd be far more excitable and bouncy without them.

His big emotions were accurate in some ways, and then they abused it. They took the idea and the knowledge that ADHD makes you feel like there is a motor running in your head and pushing your body forward and your mouth to talk, and they made Stiles into an asshole. Now, maybe that's just part of his charm. But having him blurt out Constantly Insulting things ("he smells like death" comes to mind, lovely thing to say to someone dying.) and then just....ignore it? Be completely unapologetic about saying horrible or rude things? It paints a terrible picture of us, because it's not WRONG about the first part. We're Impulsive People. We say things that come to mind, often before we've had the chance to think them through, and sometimes what comes out is fucking MEAN.

But we're not fucking jerks. We're not heartless. We feel BAD when we're mean to people without trying. We apologize and we make up for it, and we don't GLOAT about it. They used Stiles being impulsive as an excuse to have him be the biggest fucking jerk sometimes for a morbid laugh, and it felt like a slap to the face.

I was so excited finding an ADHD kid on screen, and I Still love ADHD Stiles and will write him into Everything. But goddamn TW failed me.

[moonlitdiane]

Hello! I moved from my old blog, @dianethus​ to here, you can probably call this a re-intro!

Diane | 18 | Filipino-Chinese | She/They | Pansexual | Scorpio | xNTP | Neurodivergent | Psychology Major | Graphic Designer | Practicing Wiccan

I’ve been trying to write since I was around 12 years old with silly little k-pop and percy jackson fanfics. Even though I cringe now whenever I think about the things I wrote, I still believe it was a necessary phase that all writers have to go through to become better.

I mainly write for the #OwnVoice movement that focuses on the South East Asian experience and especially the experience of being queer in an Asian environment. I aim to give the queers of Asian history whose stories never got to be told a voice. I write to expose the world to Philippine Mythology and the stories passed down from ancestor to ancestor. I also aim to conjure up nostalgic imagery in the readers' minds.

low fantasy. I'm not that really good at world building but I'm in love with the idea of everyday magic.

supernatural.

historical.

angst. I'm SORRY but writing and describing pain is a different kind of joy for me.

found family. I'm gay.

cosmic motifs.

enemies to lovers. oh for someone to see all my worst parts and still fall in love with me. also consider: childhood friends to enemies to lovers.

religious trauma & guilt. I went to a catholic school what did you expect?

The Revolution Will Not Be Vilified.

Evil Is Sexy.

Trapped In Another World. I want to be Isekai-d so bad.

Song Fic. Most of my titles are actually song lyrics or my basic outlines follow the structure of a song.

“Slender Aphrodite has overcome me with longing for a girl,”

Somewhere In Limasawa Street is a queer historical fiction story set in 1898 when the Philippine-American war is just beyond the horizons and 19 year old mestiza, Lucena Candella is in the middle of a war with herself. Sheltered and painfully aloof, she meets brave but brash, Urduja Kalangitan, who is as emotionally aware as a rock and who happens to be the Revolutionary Army's best gunman—maybe that's what pulled quiet Lucena to her.

Between paper planes, porcelains, and battle scars, Lucena slowly learns to love, and that scared her. It scared her because she wasn't allowed to love that woman with the scarred smile and wild hair.

This is my main WIP and my passion project. I really wanted to write something that I can dedicate to the queers of history, the indigenous and people of color whose queerness is never told.

The title is a reference to Limasawa Street by folk pop band, Ben&Ben, I actually used the album and a few singles as inspiration for the plot. 

WIP Playlist. This story will be unapologetically Filipino.

“Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil,”

The Devil’s Choir is a low fantasy story following the adventures of seven unlikely friends who just want to go apeshit and run away from their shitty town. That is until they’re thrown into a you-need-to-save-the-whole-world mess without their written consent. Lucifer and Dionysus show up at their door step, dragging them head first into an abyss that even the Gods refuse to fall into. A war between the golden age and the future, it’s now up to this peculiar gang to save the world from the real threat.

The seven deadly sins but make them moody teenagers. this story has gone through so much revising for years! Found family, enemies to lovers, and unwilling heroes? check.

Unintentionally a copy of American Gods. It was too late until I realized the plot was kind of similar to American Gods. Help. 

WIP Playlist. I smell chaos, don’t you?

“It is true, we shall be monsters, cut off from all the world; but on that account we shall be more attached to one another.”

Manila Encounters is a paranormal urban fantasy story unfolding right in the pearl of the orient seas. When the clock strikes 3 AM and the lights of the skyscrapers turn dark—when the city sleeps, the monsters roam free. Deep between the alley ways of Manila city, look out for kids with a certain glow and bite behind their smiles. Look for the ones with sunkissed tans who speak in tongues. Look for the ones whose feet barely dip into murky bay waters and fingertips grazing moonlight. 

A dummy’s guide to Filipino folklore. Manila Encounters was inspired by a hashtag on Twitter of the same name where people wrote their own twist to Filipino urban legends and folk stories.

Oh great, another Percy Jackson rip-off. the main characters are demi-gods or descendants of Gods. Original, I know.

WIP Playlist. driving at midnight sort of vibe.

"You may forget but let me tell you this: someone in some future time will think of us."

And I Love her is a queer romance story about a girl who just recently moved into an old but well maintained cottage in some seaside town in Europe—and she finds in the middle of dusty furniture and underneath cobwebs, a rotary telephone sitting there unused for decades. It rings unexpectedly one day and what greets her is a soft voice belonging to someone who lived 60 years ago.

a dreamnotfound fanfic inspired this. and the South Korean horror film, The Call. 

gay yearning agenda. so much yearning. so much. I’m projecting.

WIP Playlist. My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand, taking mine, but it's been promised to another

A selected list of fics from my AO3 account. It’s gay.

I drowned a long time ago. Sakusa Kiyoomi isn’t in love. He’s devoted. Serial Killer AU.

Maaaring bang magkunwaring akin ka pa? A Tagalog Haikyuu fic based on the movie, Camp Sawi.

Marupok na puso ko. A Tagalog Haikyuu fic where they do the Filipino thing and get drunk.

My good puppy. My first try at writing smut. Jesus Christ.

Be my mistake. Where Kuroo Tetsurou calls up Tsukishima Kei one last time.

Make it hurt. The two times Atsumu Miya saw the entire universe behind Sakusa Kiyoomi’s eyes.

I still have a lot of stories that I hope to finish, I find it hard to discard or erase story ideas. So I hope one day, you can all watch me finish this list.

We Don’t Belong Here / Viva La Filipinas / Luna De Sangre Conspiracy / Lilith and Lysander’s Guide To Immortal Godparents / Lonely Hearts Club / A Lady’s Guide to Princes and Principles / Attack Block / Empty Thrones /  A Double Take / Stupid Cupid / Idle Town / Alice? / The 30 Day Deal / Lost Stars / The Apocalypse Program / Heartstrings  / Disastrously Danae

[transsexualhamlet]

okayokayokay i have like. Q U E S T I O N S because i have *wanted* to read no longer human but have been afraid to SO -

1) what's it like? what do u think of it? im sooo curious 👀

2) do u think that asagiri-sensei based bsd dazai sorta off the book more than off the actual authour? i seem to remember reading that once but i dont remember if it was speculation or not

3) .......just infodump as much as you want, really; im Curious™️ and it looks like ur having fun with the book XD

p.s. - have fun with crime and punishment; thats a book ive DEFINITELY been meaning to read (but i havent had time to yet djfjdjfjf)

AHHHHHHH HI TYSM I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD ASK. I read the entire book in 2 hours before going to bed like four days ago, though it probably wasn't the best time to do it, that shit is nightmare fuel

I'm just gonna preface this with I know basically nothing about the actual author other than what's in the book, also I read the manga version (the junji ito one, yeah) so yeah I'm not sure how much that differs from the original text.

So for how much he based it off of the book vs the actual author, I couldn't really tell you- no longer human is somewhat of an autobiography, so I'd say that those work together. (it's complicated, bc the main character of no longer human is not actually dazai, but dazai is there, and they like??? basically say that that character and dazai are like actually the same person???? and they like, switch places at the end?? its really confusing, but basically, I'm treating the mc of no longer human as dazai himself.) The important stuff about the author that I know of worked into dazai's character is all in no longer human too so,,, yeah. I think saying that it's based more off of that book is probably true, though I don't know what asagiri was thinking.

But about the book itself- Yeah uhhhhhh seriously, I don't really recommend reading no longer human if you have much of a sensitivity to basically anything, especially the graphic novel version because when i say graphic novel i mean Graphic there is so much nudity, sex, s/a, addiction, violence, Mental Illness of all types, religious trauma, obviously suicide, and frankly just visually horrifying stuff

So everything under this is gonna be under a cut just cause Uh Yeah It's A Lot and i do not want to subject everybody to it

But reading it was certainly something I am glad I did, because it did teach me a lot about dazai and how he was created, as well as confirming a lot of theories I had about him that can't be confirmed or denied in bsd canon.

Like me and my friend were just like examining his character and kind of coming up with ideas about him- like we both agreed that he had Motherless Energy TM and that his dad had to have been an absolute fucking piece of shit. Also, we thought that he definitely had to have had A Lot of csa trauma and probably issues having to do with his neurodivergency when he was a child.

Literally all of that ended up being true within the canon of no longer human, so I was kind of impressed that we were so right?? It makes me feel better for thinking a lot of those things, especially since they're just Pretty Fucked Up.

But yeah its. No wonder he turned out that way when he was So Autistic and Masking So Much And So Badly and with absolutely no guidance as how to deal with his neurodivergency other than just fucking let anything anyone wanted happen sooooo he got raped, as a kid, like. A lot. A LOT. And basically ended up thinking that because of this all humans were just horrifying awful monsters and yeahhhhh things pretty much went downhill from there

I don't have a ton of time so you can send me more asks about it lol this is just barely scratching the surface this thing is pretty intense

A lot of other things that I think I can apply to bsd dazai as well, tho they're not gone into that much in the canon:

-This dude is like always fucking drunk or high, cause he just cannot stand being sober that much. He's a serious alcoholic and actually addicted to opioids and I cannot think that much differently about dazai. He's got issues.

but there are a lot of differences between Dazai and the no longer human mc, though there are enough similarities that this is definitely the dude he was based off of.

The main difference is that the no longer human mc is actually just a good guy. He's made a shit ton of stupid fucking mistakes, but he's trying to be a good man and he feels awful for the things he's done, which, I really cannot say Dazai has. Dazai is not a good man, I think everyone knows that. He doesn't really care that much lol

-both of them are like. Weirdly popular with women. Which is hilarious but like, with Dazai he doesn't really take it seriously, and he actually flirts with women. The no longer human guy like. He doesn't hes just like Tragically Attractive and women want to be with him and he has no clue how to say no so he just ends up being a whore bc hes socially useless. It causes a lot of problems bc hes like constantly cheating because of this lol.

-Dazai has a much more poetic view of it all? The no longer human guy is just fucking suffering and hes like why is this happening to me im so awful and i bring misfortune to everyone around me and its not fair and he wants to die and everything but it's not at all in the same way that Dazai does. Dazai acts more like an author than him, in the sense of his "I want a death that is narriatively satisfactory and I want to know the meaning of living by seeing the worst of it and observing how it is to be a human" yeah that's not the same at all. No longer human man really just doesn't understand them and is just. Not having fun

-Also, it's really the thing about Dazai having such an utter lack of religion compared to his original counterpart. Like, the main thing that kept this dude alive for so long was the fact that he had so much religious trauma and was constantly guilty and worried he would go to hell and basically scared of everything. Bsd dazai is like, nearly the opposite, he's the kind of dude who was born and raised atheist, and in the kind of way that he's trying to basically come up with his own meaning of life and religion to follow, whereas the original is struggling to live with one that's been perscribed to him. Both are Very Neurodivergent but it was, handled differently

And yeah i really do have to keep this short, you can totally ask me more and I have a lot more to say but one thing I want to bring attention to is the fact of something they do have in common- their masking. It's a big part of no longer human, about how the mc doesn't understand social customs and what is acceptable or how to talk to people or seriously be happy, so he basically comes up with this "clowning" which is basically, make a fool of himself on purpose all the time so people will never take him seriously or think he's good or smart. That's something dazai completely does, wholeheartedly, and something that fucks him up bad in no longer human. And I think that could be examined a lot more deeply, this dude has issues and so many of them are related to autism. God, I have so many thoughts but aghhhhhhhhhhhhh i hope u enjoy

[comicreliefmorlock]

A Reader’s Guide to Writing: Lesson #2

I... expect to get shot for this. 

-sighs and puts on a helmet- Body shots, fine, but I’m trying to avoid taking a headshot for what I’m about to say. 

The Constant Reader... does not give a fuck about flat, cardboard-cutout “representation.” We just don’t. In fact, it’s downright insulting to your Readers to assume that labeling your character “insert woke points here” will automatically endear them to us. 

(...god I’m going to get in so much trouble for this...)

When I see a book described as “it has two lesbians in it!” or “these characters are transgender!” my immediate and automatic thought is “...okay, but what is the story about? will I give a fuck about these characters?”

And that, right there, is something that can actually carry a weak plot (to a Reader’s mind) or absolutely drag a good plot into “well, I might as well finish reading it.”

Do I give a fuck about your characters?

Now this does not mean your character has to be Wholly Unproblematic or an Adorable Cinnamon Roll, Too Good, Too Pure for This World. 

What it means is “do I respond to your character like they’re fleshed out well enough for my brain to read them as a person?”

For Comparison-- Two Characters:

Here’s an example of what is honestly a really well-written character (in a... very... ugh, look, the pervasive racism makes it terrible to read now and I just kind of wince and groan at it and wince even harder knowing how well it was received) because the character has caused Emotion in a Reader.

Scarlett Fucking O’Hara.

I hate her. I’m not even kidding, I just hate this self-absorbed bitch. She drives me nuts. I’d love to yeet her off a literary cliff and watch her drown. 

...but I consider her a well-written character because she inspires emotion. I react to her. I legitimately read a page of “Gone With the Wind” (*again, I know, I’m sorry, the book’s slimy feel of ‘but... slavery was good!’ is just... horrific) and I want to grab the nearest heavy object and slam it onto her empty skull. She has obvious flaws--and they’re explicitly spelled out in the text--and those flaws totally fuck up her life. Scarlett doesn’t get what she wants because she is her own worst enemy in a lot of ways. And watching her make decisions based on what She Wants and then dealing with the aftermath feels legitimate. It feels pretty real to watch someone make a decision based on a want only to see them struggle with the result OF that decision. Not to mention the moment of realization that came too late, as let’s be fair, hindsight is 20/20 and a lot of us have had that ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhh...’ moment ourselves. 

What Scarlett has a lot of, however, is Emotion. And I don’t mean she has a lot of emotionally wrenching scenes. What I mean is Scarlett is actively driven by or affected by An Emotion at nearly every part of her story, even when that Emotion is just some self-absorbed Glee at how she’s gonna one-up this whole town.

Let me compare my reactions to Miss “I’m So Self-Absorbed I Should Be Taxonomically Classified As A Sponge” O’Hara to a character that I... honestly couldn’t give less than a fuck about, despite having read six whole books she’s the main protagonist of. 

Ayla of “Clan of the Cave Bears” Jean Auel fame. 

In the first novel, Ayla is... actually kind of interesting. A Homo Sapien child found by Neanderthals and raised in their society, there’s a bit that can be read into just how hard it is to fit into a culture and how sometimes that involves more self-repression than is mentally healthy. And in the second novel, “Valley of the Horses,” all the parts with Ayla before her Male Perfection Love Interest shows up are also fairly interesting.

She’s alone, she’s fighting to survive with only her hard-earned skills to carry her. It’s great!

And then... Jondalar arrives and we see her through His Eyes. 

I’m not sure exactly what happened here other than the novels (and Ayla) turn into a constant Display Of How Amazing Ayla Is. Everyone loves her! (And the people that don’t are Obviously Flawed and So Empty Inside.) She can do anything! She invents the needle! Horseback riding! Domesticating dogs! The travois! She’s drop-dead gorgeous, an accomplished healer, wants only to be a Good Wife (it’s a little icky, but considering the time period these books are set in, I give it a pass on that) and is always so confused as to why people seem amazed by her. 

She becomes basically a Perfect Woman and to be honest, all her struggles after that just feel like they’re directly tied to how Perfect She Is. Ayla suddenly doesn’t have An Emotion behind her. She’s just a vessel for everyone’s awe that such a “perfect woman” exists. And it just... turns her completely fuckin’ flat.

What I’ve found after doing a LOT of reading is that a Writer should keep one big thing in mind.

(And this goes triple for stories that tote themselves on the representation platform.)

Emotion--the experience of it, the sharing of it, the looking for validation of it--is one of those defining things that make what we’d call the Human Experience.

People who are looking for representation in media are looking for actual representation. For a Person like them on the screen or page. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to be a teenager struggling with a realization of sexuality, but you can ask people who do. And you can relate YOURSELF to that on some level. 

Everyone in the world has had a moment where they’re trying to reconcile something about themselves with what the world expects or with what they expect from themselves. You can take that seed, that memory of sitting in your bedroom and listening to the same song on repeat while thinking wistful thoughts of what life could be like if This Was Different or imagining a future where What You Want is accessible, acceptable and within reach. You can find the Emotion and appeal to it.

I know that the experience of being gay or disabled or neurodivergent or trans or a minority is not universal; everyone has a different life, different experiences, different fears, worries, hopes, dreams. 

And I say this in full awareness that someone could very rightly be angry at me for paring off societal issues and cultural problems to make this accessible to writers who may want to write a specific character FIRST and THEN find sensitivity readers to help them refine it*. 

There’s a “but” to the whole “different life” thing. 

Humans have felt the basic range of emotion across the board, across the world, across time, regardless of where or when or who they are. And a Character that makes you Feel is a character that you can give a fuck about. Pare off the labels and start with the tinest, most concentrated idea of who this person is so you can find their emotions to use in the story. Are they a dreamer? A fighter? A creator? An explorer? What Emotion drives them? Hope? Curiosity? Anger? Sorrow? 

Because I personally have seen myself in characters that I have absolutely no surface experience in common with whatsoever, but I responded to the Emotion that drove them because I recognized it. I’d felt it. Maybe what created the Emotion was different (wildly so!) from what created it for me, but I had the Emotion. The character is having the Emotion. 

And that makes me give a fuck about the outcome of their story, whether the personality carrying the Emotion makes me want to cut a bitch (fuck you Scarlett) or see them succeed in every aspect of life.

[*You will want sensitivity readers to refine the character because representation should actually represent and not be A Writer Getting Woke Points.]

[wolfenm]

Death of the Endless + Dia de los Muertos?

First, some explanation. I am pagan and celebrate Samhain, a Celtic festival where the final harvest was brought in, with remnants left in the fields for the Faer Folk. It was believed that veil between the mortal world and that of the supernatural is thinnest at this time of year. People would set places for their dead family at their dinner table, carve turnips to ward off evil, and dress as monsters and spirits when travelling at night, in the hopes of tricking the true monsters and spirits. Later, the Catholic Church created Allhallow's Eve, with November 1st being All Saints' Day, and November 2nd being All Souls' Day. At one point, people would go door to door dressed up, begging for food and wine in exchange for performances -- tricks -- and blessings (a practice known as "going a-souling" / "performing souling plays"). Obviously these are all predecessors of Hallowe'en. When the Spanish came to the Americas, they brought All Saints Day / All Souls Day with them, and these traditions got merged with the death-related traditions of the indigenous peoples, into something new: Dia de Los Muertos.

I am not Hispanic, but I have a deep love of Dia de Los Muertos (which admittedly started with the game Grim Fandango, my first exposure to the holiday, about 20 years ago; it was leant to me by a Latinx friend). I understand that it is not "Mexican Hallowe'en", but it does seem to have at least a little roots in Samhain, and both holidays involve being reunited with loved ones that have passed on. And really, while I do still love Samhain, I find Dia de Los Muertos to be a better celebration of that nature, so bright and colourful and VIBRANT, and better at expressing the lesson of keeping the dead alive through memory. This year, both holidays are extra-important to me, as I lost my mother this April, which is the worst thing that's ever happened to me; six months later, I feel as lost as I did that day. (Thing is, my mom seemed to be neurodivergent, and people even remarked that it was like I was the mom and she was the daughter, so in some ways, I feel kinda more like I lost a child more than that I lost a parent. Either way, it still doesn't seem real)

Full disclosure, yes, I have Dia de los Muertos-themed art in my home, next to my Samhain / Hallowe'en display. Coco and The Book of Life are amongst my favorite movies, Grim Fandango is still one of my fave games, and I love the book Cemetery Boys (which takes place during the holiday and strongly involves it; it's also a great queer narrative, by the by).

So for years now, I have wanted to do Sugar Skull makeup inspired by Death, of The Endless, a character in @neil-gaiman 's comic book series The Sandman who is, to me, a pretty perfect personification of the concept of Death. (And writing a fanfic about her led to my work with Sequential Tart, so she's important to me in that way, too.) She and La Catrina are both positive associations with Death; they are both guides and protectors for those taking the next step in one's existence, rather than depicted as scary.

But being a white person, and seeing many Latinx people speak of their hurt at seeing white people indulge in the same culture they've been harassed for, and knowing the ugly treatment my country has inflicted upon Latinx people (particularly in recent years), I have ignored the impulse. Regardless of where my intent falls on the spectrum of cultural sharing vs cultural appropriation (I'd mean it out of respect, and don't see it as a costume, but I can certainly see how others would feel otherwise), or of the fact that the holiday is very likely linked to another one that IS part of my culture, or of the fact that other Latinx people have said they actually welcome seeing non-Latinx people in such make-up (no culture is a monolith of feeling or perception) ... I decided that only when and if I am ever invited to a celebration held by a Latinx person who has expressly said to come in Sugar Skull make-up, will I do so. (This is a personal decision; I'm not trying to suggest otherwise is wrong. I might even do it for my personal satisfaction at some point -- just not for public consumption.) I've been tempted to DRAW her, but I'm not sure that would welcome / not hurtful either.

So what is this post for? Well, maybe I will never GET such an invitation, so I'm putting the idea out there into the universe: perhaps some Latinx person would like to do -- or already has done -- Death of the Endless Sugar Skull make-up or art? I would dearly love to see it!!!

In the meantime, I want to say that the holiday and the character have been helping me through a very difficult time, and I am all the more thankful for having been introduced to both.

(Please note, this is not mean to start a debate on what is and isn't cultural appropriation. I have made my choice, after careful deliberation of arguments on both sides. You do you.)

[xianglingslesbian]

okay so since it’s izuki’s birthday let’s... analyse his character songs and what they say about him! i’ve been wanting to do this post for awhile, and what better day than today?

(shut up, i am not obsessed)

(okay maybe i’m a little obsessed but i mean LOOK AT HIM)

first up is kitakore which you can listen to here!! kitakore is really just a fun hammy song with tons of puns (literally. every line is a pun. it can feel like a punch to the gut. kitakore!). BUT there are still a couple of impactful lines!

Uzagararete mo yamerarenai (English: Even if I get on your nerves, I can’t stop)

i honestly think that this line attests to izuki being neurodivergent in some way. as the amazing Timb @natureismynature​ expanded on in her fic (which you can read here), izuki’s puns could be a form of verbal stimming that helps calm him down. it’s one of my favourite headcanons that he’s autistic and/or ADHD (the latter being projection, tbh), because yay for neurodivergent characters~

kitakore is sung with a quick tempo and a peppy beat, which adds to the whole relaxed vibe of the song. this is something you could sit and listen to while chilling on the beach, or while scrolling through memes on your phone. it also showcases the VA’s ability to bring out the light edge that’s ever-present in dear izuki’s voice!! nojima’s voice is strong and clear throughout, never faltering as he rattles off pun after pun in time with the music. really perfect for izuki and his love of dajare!

next we have tatta hitotsu no hibi which you can listen to here and. oh. this song really hits you in the meow meow after the playful 2010s boy band sound of kitakore. GOD it just says so much about the kind of person izuki is???

Betsu ni fukan shitai wake ja nai sa / yoyuu mo nai Onaji kurai tomadou kedo / Aah~ (English: It’s not that I want a bird’s-eye view / I don’t have any time to spare But that means I might lose my way in equal measure / Aah~)

izuki’s eyes see too much, sometimes. but if he didn’t have them, he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the rest - even with how much he practices - and that HURTS. 

Hagayusa ha tokidoki / mawari mo makikonde Atarashii chikara wo umidasu (English: There were times I got everyone else caught up in my impatience As I tried to invent new strength in myself)

he’s constantly trying to find something, anything, just to stay on the others’ level. and sometimes he pushes too hard and goes too far but... to him, in the end, all that matters is flying to the top with seirin. he doesn’t want to be a burden - in izuki’s eyes, to be a burden to seirin is the worst imaginable thing.

Itsuka nanimokamo ga omoidebanashi ni natte Natsukashii oretachi ga iru ne Ureshikatta koto bakari ja naku tatte Hoka ni ha kangaerarenai / tatta hitotsu no hibi datta Sou omoeru ki ga suru / ima no zutto mirai de (English: Someday, all of this will be nothing but memories And there we’ll be, fondly reminiscing about them They might not all be happy memories But I can’t imagine them any other way / those irreplaceable days I have a feeling that’s what I’ll think, someday way off in the future)  

this. just... the sheer fucking wisdom of this...??? keep in mind this kid is literally 17. but these lines so highlight the aspects of izuki’s personality that i love most - his unerring resilience and his ability to look towards the future without wanting to be stuck in the past or present - something i struggle a LOT with. izuki’s always got his head raised, never down, and that’s gorgeous.

tatta hitotsu is very different from kitakore in terms of sound, tempo and range. it’s sung at a lower, softer tone, and is much slower. the background music, while itself soothing and beautiful, truly only serves to accentuate the VA’s voice as he guides you through izuki’s character. the song is smooth, and its more sober tone is perfect for the wisdom izuki’s dropping! nojima’s voice is low but firm; he effortlessly dances across every note, stringing together something that’s heartfelt and gorgeous. the lower pitch really brings out what izuki’s like when he gets serious - calm, but firm and unwavering.

last but not least, challenger spirit (the hyuuizu duet), which you can listen to here!! i love this song so much because tbh it reminds me of everything i love about hyuuizu. 

Dual: Oretachi ha chousensha datte / nando demo omoishirou Sonotabi tsuyoku natte kita kara (English: We are the challengers / Let’s never forget that Remembering that fact has helped us grow stronger)

both of them are always pushing each other. they remind each other what it is that they’ve come this far. they have a unique connection, and don’t need to say half the things that others would have to, in order to understand each other!

H: Kuyashisa nara norikoeta / senpai no iji darou I: Shimeshita ijou ni kurai tsuite kureta yo na (English: H: Our regrets? We’ve overcome them / That’s our will as senpai I: They’ve exceeded our expectations and risen to the challenge)

Yume mitaku tookatta yo na Demo naze ka shinjirareta n da Kono chiimu de miru mirai wo Okujou de chikatta mirai wo (English: Dual: Just like a dream, it seemed so distant But somehow, we could believe In the future we see with this team In the future we swore on the roof)

here we see how they both are consistently on the same wavelength. that’s why that final pass happened so perfectly - because it was hyuuga, who izuki had known for so long, loved for so long (read that however you want). because it was hyuuga, and their effortless chemistry made it possible. perhaps i’m overreaching, but... i love them so much.

coming to the song itself - it has a strong beat, but also melodic. like the perfect blend of kitakore and tatta hitotsu! the drum work in the background is truly fantastic. re: the singing, the gentleness within hosoya’s voice jumps out here, whereas nojima dominates the duet. nojima’s voice comes out firmer and stronger, and hosoya is more melodic and goes with the flow. i think their voices blend beautifully - the juxtaposition of izuki’s clear, powerful voice with hyuuga’s gentler, smoother one is just perfect! it also embodies their friendship: though hyuuga seems to be the overpowering presence, they share equal parts, and there are areas where izuki takes charge as seen in this song.

(okay maybe i’m reading too much into it but can you blame me i love them)

and with that we come to the end of this little rant!! hope it made sense haha

[vanilla-bean-buttercream]

Doubling Our DNA - Chapter 4

Pairings: Future Logince & Moxiety | Platonic/Queerplatonic Analogical & Royality Characters: Patton, Janus, Logan, Virgil, a few ocs you’re gonna love, a few oc’s you’re going to hate Chapter warnings: mentions of captivity, imprisonment, physical restraints, blackmailing, food mentions, physical torture Word Count:  4,585

Summary:

Patton starts to grow antsy doing nothing. A secret meeting happens down by the docks, Logan and Virgil make some sort of progress. It’s pretty smooth sailing until it’s not.

Ao3 Link

<= Chapter 1 | < Chapter 3

==

Somewhere within the city, an abandoned building turned itself into a refuge center.

Within the year of being here, Patton watched people come and go. He watched new people join their team. He watched funeral services held for those who left before their time. He healed more wounds than he could count. He felt emotions so dark that he hoped he never had to feel them himself. 

The problem was the one person that Patton wanted to see pass through the door the most never did.

That's how he got tricked into coming here, after all. That Roman copycat tricked him into following, and Patton stupidly agreed. Patton didn't remember how he got here or why, but he knew he couldn't leave. It was too dangerous, they said. They were looking for him.

The Institute of Outstanding Disabilities and Neurological Assessments that was.

Patton got to see some familiar faces here. He spent most of his time with Puteri, who was just as worried for Roman as he was. He even got to have lunch with Nor and Damia every day. They told him about their plans, about how they were working on exposing the organization and breaking everyone trapped out.

They had to be careful though. The organization was always watching, and they were too deep into the pockets of politicians to break up. They were a hospital, according to most of the reports. They "helped" people, they fixed memories, altered neurodivergence, healed disabilities. They were a "good" thing for normal people.

Those people had no idea what lied below the halls of that hospital.

The door to Patton's room opened, and he looked up. Those heterochromatic eyes that Patton grew used to seeing every day smiled at him. Patton returned the gesture and sat up from the desk.

"Morning Janus," Patton greeted.

"Hello, Patton," Janus responded back. He tried to smile, but Patton could feel it was off.

"Something happened, didn't it?" Patton said, his own smile dropping.

Janus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He slowly nodded his head. Patton jumped up from his seat and hurried over to him.

"Is Roman okay? Is he dead? Did they- did he-"

"I don't know," Janus responded. Patton gripped onto his shirt to stabilize himself. Janus put comforting hands on his shoulders as Patton stared into his eyes. 

"He's- he's all I have left. Please-" Patton rested his head against Janus's shoulder. 

Janus patted Patton's shoulder. "I know. If I could've rescued both of you that day, I would have but… but they were too close. They would've captured all of you, and I couldn't… I couldn't let that happen."

"I know. You told me," Patton spat out. He pushed off of Janus's clothes, and he set his jaw. 

Janus sighed and adjusted his shirt. He watched as Patton slouched against his desk and scribbled something onto the papers. Janus pursed his lips.

"I promised you we were going to get Roman back, and I am a man of my word," Janus responded.

"I know," Patton repeated without looking up.

"I'll leave you be for now," Janus said. He waited in the doorway for a moment before he continued, "Get some breakfast, Patton. We're going to need you after the next mission."

Patton's head snapped up. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, we're breaking someone out," Janus responded.

Patton's heart pounded. Was it really happening? Were they getting Roman out? He jumped up from his seat.

"I want to help!"

"I told you before, Patton, it's too dangerous. If they capture you, they'll never let you go. We'll never reach you. You'll be- you'll be lost, and we can't lose you."

"I don't care!" Patton slammed a hand down on his desk, making Janus jump. "If it wasn't for us- if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't even have bothered Roman, but because I looked too much like Logan-"

Patton's eyes stung, and he wiped them away. Janus didn't move to comfort him. He knew this speech before. How many times had Patton screamed at him? How many times did he blame Janus for everything that happened, for all the misery in his life?

The worst part was, it was Janus's fault from the beginning. Now all he could do was try to make things right.

"I know," Janus replied at last, "but trust me, Patton, we're going to fix this."

Patton sighed. He nodded his head, the same words that Janus always told him but never followed through with lingering between them. Janus closed the door, and Patton let out a long breath.

How long was he supposed to wait here like a useless child?

Patton wasn't sure how long he waited there at his desk, but he shook his disappointment from his body and figured it was time to start doing his job. He exited his room and out into the well-lit hallways of the warehouse.

There were people here who depended on him. He had a purpose. He just had to remember the purpose he wanted wasn't one he was meant to have.

"Good morning, Patton," Puteri's voice called out behind him. Patton turned, and Puteri wrapped him into a hug. She rubbed his back in that soothing motherly way Patton loved. For a moment, all they did was hold each other.

"Are you doing okay?" Patton asked, knowing he could feel the ache in her chest.

"I'm managing," Puteri responded, knowing the same thing.

Patton nodded his head. They eventually let go, Patton's hands sliding away first to signal he wanted to be released, and Puteri following through. Her gentle brown eyes smiled down at him, and they walked side by side down to the cafeteria.

"Any news on Roman?" Puteri asked.

"No, but Da-" Patton corrected himself- “but Janus is going back into the organization to get someone. He won't say who though."

"Smart," Puteri responded, "after Noelle's betrayal."

Patton folded his hands into fists. He clenched his teeth and nodded his head. "If I ever see her again-"

"You won't," Puteri responded. Her sharp tone convinced Patton it was a fact more than a promise. 

They reached the food and met Damia with a newspaper. She flashed it in her mother's face.

"Did you see the news?" Damia asked.

Puteri pushed the paper back, "I can't see anything, sweetheart."

"They're launching an investigation against IODNA," Damia chirped. She clutched the paper against her chest. "Apparently there have been sources sighting unethical human experimentation, and they have a witness to testify."

"It'll never stick," Puteri said. Damia's face fell. She chewed on her lip.

"Come on, mom. Let me have a little hope that it'll stick this time."

"If it didn't stick before, it won't stick now. I tried to blow the whistle years ago, and they brushed me off," Puteri mumbled.

Damia sighed and put her hands on her hips. She huffed and walked away. Patton watched her leave and turned his gaze back to Puteri.

"When did you try to expose IDONA?" he asked.

Puteri sighed and responded, "when I first got out of the institute, I tried to tell them about me and Roman. Apparently, though, I went to the wrong person. The institute was in their pocket making sure any claims didn't make it to court. They… didn't threaten me, but they did promise if I perused it, I wouldn't be alive to see the verdict."

Patton swallowed hard. He nodded his head in understanding, and he took a deep breath in and out.

"Well, I'm glad you're still here," Patton responded.

Puteri put her arm around him and gave him a side hug. She smiled and nodded her head.

"Thank you, Patton. Now, let's get some breakfast into you. You look famished."

--

Soft feet padded down the dark alley. They leaped off the ground and into a garbage can. Pickings were starting to get slim, but hopefully soon they wouldn’t have to hide like this.

Golden eyes locked onto a half-eaten fish dinner, and they snatched it before any rats could invade their space again. They dragged it down to the shore and dined in peace. The harbor waves lapped at the shore and carried the spoils of their meal into the dark depths of the ocean. 

Their ears twitched as a plane flew overhead. They glanced up at the clear night sky and sniffed the air.

Soon.

Footsteps in the sand behind them caught their attention. They turned their head, and their golden eyes narrowed on the person approaching. The person lifted up their shirt sleeve, revealing a snake tattoo winding up their arm.

Fur shifted, bones moved, and the once cat elongated into a human shape. Golden slitted eyes remained, and they stared at their target in annoyance. 

“You’re fucking late,” the once cat hissed.

A small chuckle mixed with the approaching footsteps, and the stranger stood beside them to stare out into the harbor’s waters.

“Hello, Hobo,” the person said.

“JD.”

“Any news?”

Hobo shook their head. They passed a plastic card to JD and answered, “That place is still locked up tight. Every time I get down into the isolation area, they catch me. I think they’re starting to look for my cat form too now.”

“That’s unfortunate. You were our best spy.”

“Hey, it’s not like I can change my appearance whenever I want.”

“Touche.”

“But J, you’re gonna have to start being careful too.” Hobo’s eyes glanced out the corner of their sockets. “If they’re on to me at that place, they’re watching me right now. They could follow you, and-”

“They’ll never catch me.”

Hobo studied JD and let out a long sigh. They scratched the fur still left on their face and bit their lip with their sharp teeth.

“It’s not you I’m worried about.”

“I know exactly who you’re worried about,” JD responded. He turned his head and glared at Hobo, who glared right back. “We’re going to get them all, Hobo, I promise.”

“That’s what you told me three years ago, and where did that get us, huh? Your so-called wild card failed.”

“So, maybe my plan with Virgil didn’t work out the way I thought it would,” JD said with a shrug. “I can’t say I didn’t try.”

Hobo sighed, and they took their hat off to scratch their head. The scruffy hair beneath it stuck up in all different directions like they never saw a brush in their life.

“I have to get him out,” JD said to the water. “He’s going to go nuts if I don’t.”

Hobo raised a brow as a grin slid on their face. “That bad, huh? Whatever happened to not falling in love with people?”

“I’m not in love with Patton.” JD snapped. He sighed and rubbed his neck. “I just feel like I owe everything to him. It’s my fault that Logan and Roman got taken, and I-”

“Okay, Roman I can see, but not Logan. You were a kid. You can’t keep beating yourself up over Logan.”

“I can and I will.”

Hobo sighed. They shoved their hat back over their ears and sniffed the air. A sharp hiss pulled from their throat.

“We’re not alone.”

JD put his hands in his pockets and nodded. As he walked away, he said over his shoulder. “And just as sure as Rome is falling-”

“I will rise again.” Hobo finished. They slid back into their cat appearance and shook their black and brown fur. Golden eyes watched as JD walked away, and they shuffled their paws in the dirt. Whoever was following them had a familiar scent. They couldn’t place it, but they definitely smelled the person before.

Hobo stalked down the riverfront and kept their eyes open for any strange activity. A shadow shifted to their left, and they let out a sharp hiss. The shadow, it appeared, turned out to be nothing but a rat hiding in the dumpsters. Hobo flicked their tail in annoyance. All this paranoia over a dirty rat.

Hobo walked down the rest of the harbor, their footprints the only evidence they were there. If they would’ve stuck around a little longer, they would’ve seen the person hiding behind the cans, keeping an eye out.

For Hobo was a cat who had now become the mouse.

--

Logan was not looking forward to this.

They chewed on their lip as the scientists led them to the same room Virgil was in before. They watched the door open, and they caught Virgil’s eyes once again. Virgil was strapped down to the same chair, and Logan wondered if Virgil was released or if he was stuck that way all night. They wouldn’t put it past these people to-

The scientists shoved Logan in, and they collapsed onto their hands and knees. The door slammed closed behind them. Logan stood and rubbed the pain away from their bare hands.

“Sup?” Virgil greeted in a very unwelcoming tone.

Logan let out a long sigh and rubbed their neck. “Are you injured?”

Virgil snuffed through his nose. “They didn’t do that thing to me again if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Logan flinched as the memories from yesterday flooded back to them like a nightmare. They swallowed hard, and they muttered a small, “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, well,” Virgil shrugged the best he could. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Were you there all night?”

"No. I went back to my room.”

Logan breathed a sigh of relief.

Virgil continued, “Not much more comfortable there though. I can’t sleep with that Emile guy watching me the whole time.”

Logan’s eye twitched at the mention of Emile. They opened their mouth to speak, but they closed it a moment later and gathered their thoughts. “Can he see you?”

“No, he has this stupid blindfold thing on, but it’s still creepy.”

Logan breathed another sigh of relief. They took a seat on the floor and folded their fingers. Virgil watched with suspended interest, and Logan tried to maintain eye contact.

“Can I ask you questions?” Virgil asked.

“You can.”

“Who are you?”

“My name is Logan-”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“-and I’m a prisoner at IODNA. They’ve been containing me here since I was six years of age, the only exception being when I escaped a year ago for six months.”

Virgil sucked in a long breath through his nose. He tapped his fingers on the chair's arm and looked away. Logan wondered if their tone was too harsh or they made Virgil uncomfortable.

“I just… I guess I can’t believe it, you know? I worked at this place for two years as a medical assistant, then they fired me for no reason, then a year later, I’m thrown back in here and held captive because they found out I can draw the future. What gives? What is this place? I thought- I thought I was helping people, but-” a snort- “fuck me for trying, am I right?”

Logan watched Virgil blink rapidly, and they answered, “No, I will not fuck you for trying. I’m not sexually aroused by, you and-”

“Okay, the first thing you need to understand is the phrase “rhetorical question” and second,” Virgil’s tone shifted to something softer, “I’m sorry, you know, that you were like, taken as a kid and put into a place like this. It must’ve sucked.”

Logan sighed and nodded. "It did indeed "suck" as you put it."

"Oh, so you know what "suck" means but you take fuck literally." Virgil snorted." You're a laugh and a half."

"That's because you taught me what suck meant."

Virgil's mirth disappeared again, and he eyed Logan wearily. His mouth formed a question, but he didn’t voice it. After a slight pause, he tried again. “How did we meet?”

Logan hesitated. Should they tell him? If they told him, would Virgil be able to remember? Maybe… maybe they could unlock the memories vocally. Maybe Logan telling him what happened-

“It’s fine, though, if you don’t wanna like answer or anything. I just… sorry, it’s dumb-”

“There are no dumb questions, Virgil, and you deserve to know everything.” Logan hesitated. “I… you met me when you delivered food to me. You said you were not supposed to be down here, and they mistook you as one of the new scientists.”

Virgil hummed. He furrowed his brows and sighed. “Why don’t I remember any of this?”

“I took your memories away from you.”

“Why?” 

“So you would not come looking for me.”

“Can you… you can’t put them back, can you? That’s why we’re both here. You’re supposed to-” Virgil swallowed- “I’m your lab rat.”

“Believe me, Virgil, if I could have it any other way, I would accept it within my next heartbeat.”

Virgil shrugged. “Nah, it’s cool. It’s cool. I get it. Uh, so how do you plan on, you know, doing the thing?”

Logan looked down at his bare hands. He flexed and unflexed them, his eyebrows knitted in concentration. “I don’t know.”

“Great. Have you tried to before?”

“Yes.”

“So, what have you tried?”

“I’ve tried putting my fingers on the victim’s temple like how I extract them. I’ve tried holding their hand and willing the memories back into their mind. I’ve tried using visual triggers such as books associated with the memory.” Logan sighed. “I cannot fathom how else I’m supposed to release these memories back into an individual.”

Virgil blew air through his lips. “Well, I guess… damn this is going to take a while, isn’t it?”

“I’m afraid so.”

Virgil nibbled on his lip. He adjusted his sitting position the best he could with his arms and feet tied down and glanced at the floor. For a moment, he didn’t recognize his reflection. He looked so weird without his eye makeup and giant hoodie.

“Well, I guess you better get started then,” Virgil said as he glanced back up at Logan. “Do what you gotta I guess.”

“Are you sure I have consent to touch you?”

“Just… ask first, okay? Let me know what you’re doing, and if I say stop-”

“Of course. I do not want to cross any more boundaries than I already have.”

“Yeah, uh, thanks I guess.”

Logan stood from their position on the floor and walked over toward Virgil. They rubbed their hands together, feeling the friction of their own skin. Their eyes glanced up into Virgil’s own. They could see Virgil’s fear even if Virgil was doing a pretty good job hiding it.

“Does it hurt?” Virgil asked and stilled Logan’s steps. “You know, taking the memories?”

“I know the victim feels disoriented and sluggish for the next day.”

“Oh. Huh, I guess I kinda felt like that a year or so ago. How long ago have you been here again?”

Logan smiled and shook their head. They sighed and swallowed hard. “I need a memory to try and focus on. If you could have any memory of me back, what would it be?”

Virgil thought for a moment. He tapped his finger on the chair. “Um, how about… how about the day we met. Can you shoot for that one?”

“I could try.” Logan kneeled in front of Virgil until they were at eye level. Virgil gave a slight nod of his head, and Logan put their hands on Virgil’s own. “If I miraculously succeed and this hurts you at any point, let me know.”

Virgil gave a nod.

Logan put their fingertips to Virgil’s temple. They swallowed hard and focused. Focused on that first day. Focused on the memory of Virgil standing at their door, the tray holding a stale sandwich and a water bottle, those shifting eyes, that white lab coat that made him look like a ghost-

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut and let out a sharp hiss. Logan’s fingers flew off Virgil’s temple, and they monitored Virgil’s expression.

“Why’d you stop?” Virgil asked.

“You looked like you were in pain. I thought I hurt you.”

Virgil stared down at the floor, his eyebrows knit together. “You didn’t… hurt me. I felt this weird tingle... like my brain went numb.”

“Do you remember anything?”

Virgil stayed silent for a moment. Logan watched him for a reaction, their heart starting to pick up speed as time passed. Did they do it? Did Virgil remember something? They swallowed their dry throat and tried to recall the breathing exercises Virgil taught them.

“I-” Virgil let out a long sigh, “Something happened. I just don’t know what.”

For a moment, Logan feared they did even more damage to Virgil’s memory. They rubbed the back of their neck, and they looked away.

“You read Shakespeare?”

Logan gasped. They snapped their head to Virgil’s face, and Virgil flinched. Their lips whispered, “What?”

“Sorry, I didn’t-”

“No, what did you say?”

Virgil creased his brow, and he opened and closed his mouth twice. “You… you read Shakespeare. I think… Hamlet. You were reading Hamlet.”

“I did!” Logan cried. They grabbed their hair with their fists. “I was reading Hamlet when you entered my room.”

“Yeah. Yeah! And there was this-” Virgil squeezed his eyes shut. He swallowed the low groan back down his throat. Logan waited for Virgil to catch his bearings. “The book was red and old.”

“It was.” Logan could feel tears pricking their eyes. “What else do you remember?”

Virgil thought harder. The vein on his temple started to bulge, and Logan sucked in a sharp breath. Sweat started forming on Virgil’s brow. He squeezed the chair so hard his fingers turned white.

“Virgil, stop.”

Virgil’s body started to shake. “No, I’m getting something-”

“Virgil! Please, don’t hurt yourself.”

The pupils on Virgil’s eyes dilated until the whole iris was swallowed. “I can almost-”

“VIRGIL!”

Logan grabbed Virgil’s shoulders and squeezed. Virgil jolted at the sudden motion, and he panted heavily. His eyes snapped up in Logan’s direction, and his pupil retracted to normal size. 

“Why did you stop me?” Virgil asked.

“I-” Logan’s throat closed. They swallowed hard and tried again, “You- Do you know what just happened?”

“I was talking to you. There was,” Virgil paused. “There was this voice calling to me. It sounded just like you. I heard… you asked if I was new. I could hear you in my head.”

Logan blinked back their tears. They sat on their heels and covered their mouth with their hand.

“I didn’t say anything, Virgil.”

“No, I mean in my memories. You were walking toward me, and I,” Virgil glanced down at Logan’s hands and swallowed. “You were wearing those stupid brown gloves.”

“I was.”

“What, were they afraid you’d erase the whole facility’s memories or something?”

“Yes.”

Virgil grew quiet. He rested his head against the chair and stared at the ceiling. “Head… I’m starting to get a headache.”

“I’m done.”

Virgil moved his eyes toward Logan. “Hmm?”

“I’m not- I’m not going to bring back any more.”

A suffocating silence hung between them. Virgil didn’t know how much time passed, but he did know that Logan refused to look at him. Was he really that scary? Did Logan think they hurt him that badly? What happened?

The door to the room opened, and Logan didn’t acknowledge it. Virgil, however, caught Dr. William standing in the doorway. The so called doctor raised his hands and started to slowly clap.

“Well done, Logan. I knew you could do it,” Dr. William said in his too smooth voice. He stepped inside the room. Logan still didn’t acknowledge his presence. He put a hand on Logan’s shoulder and leaned down. “But why did you stop?”

Logan didn’t answer.

Dr. William sighed, and he stood up straight. Virgil glared at the head scientist, wishing he could get out of this stupid chair and choke him. 

“He looks fine to me,” Dr. William said to no one. He stalked toward Virgil. Virgil pressed his back into the chair, and he swallowed hard. Only then did Logan break from their trance and look up. Too late. Dr. William grabbed Virgil’s chin and tilted it up. He studied Virgil’s face with an indifferent expression. Virgil clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes.

“No abnormalities,” Dr. William mumbled. “Patient seems to be fine. What all did you remember, boy?”

“Eat a dick,” Virgil growled.

Dr. William clicked his tongue. “Now, Virgil, what did I say about talking to me like that?”

“You know what? I don’t care. I’m not going to bow to you and your spooky mind tricks. You got what you wanted. Logan made me remember, so-”

“So?”

“So fuck off.”

Dr. William let go of Virgil’s jaw. He took a step back, his eyes locked on Virgil the whole time. His face twisted into an ugly grimace, and he wrinkled his nose.

“Oh, Virgil, and here I thought you would be as obedient as you were when I first met you.” Dr. William turned and walked toward Logan. He squatted on the balls of his feet to Logan’s eye level. Virgil craned his neck.

“Hey, hey stop! Don’t touch him.”

Logan backed up, but Dr. William grabbed them by the neck and pulled them forward. He kept eye contact with Logan as he spoke to Virgil, “You know, there’s more than one way to get people to listen when they don’t want to.”

Virgil’s blood ran cold. “No! Don’t-”

Logan’s scream cut off Virgil’s voice. Virgil strained against his restraints. He screamed for Dr. William to stop, begged him to leave Logan alone, bartered for his own safety to stop Logan’s pain. In the end, Logan collapsed onto the floor, their ears red from bleeding, their eyes squeezed shut as tears soaked their skin.

Dr. William stepped over Logan’s curled up body and wiped his hands on his lab coat. He ordered the other guards at the door, “Escort Logan back to his room. I think he’s done.”

Virgil watched in horror as Logan was picked up bridal style and carried out of the room. Dr. William stole one last glance at Virgil before he slammed the door closed, leaving Virgil alone and stuck with the sound of Logan’s scream vibrating through his brain.

--

”Who are you?”

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry. I think I have the wrong room-”

“What room are you looking for?”

“204?”

“You are correct. However, I don’t think I’ve met you before. Are you new?”

“Uh, yeah, kind of. They mistook me for someone else. Um… I have your lunch? I guess if you could call it that.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“Damn, bitch, you eat like this?”

“I’m unsure of what you are talking about.”

“Uh, nevermind. Who are you anyway?”

“Oh, my name is Logan Shea. And who do I have the privilege of speaking to.”

“Um, my name is Virgil Cho.”

“Salutations, Dr. Cho.”

“No, no, just Virgil. I’m not a doctor yet.”

“Oh? Are you studying to be one?”

“Not really. I’m just an assistant, you know?”

“I don’t.”

“Uh, okay then. Fine, Uh, here’s your stale sandwich and water I guess.  Wait, is that Shakesphere?”

“Oh, it is. I’m reading Hamlet at the moment. Shakespeare wrote some rather intriguing dramas that center around tragedy.”

“Well with this lunch, I guess you’d know all about tragedy, wouldn’t you.”

“Are you comparing my food to Hamlet?”

“Um, yeah, forget I said anything.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Fine then.”

“Thank you, Virgil. It was nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, uh, you too, Logan. Maybe we’ll see each other again sometime.”

“I’d like that.”

--

To be continued...

[scientistowengottlieb-newtkelly]

Thoughts and feelings about Pacific Rim 2?

you sure you wanna open up that particular can of worms?

movie review time! be warned i'm not in a good mood as i am shaking in pain, however this review would have been scathing regardless. and none of this is to say pacific rim is perfect, it's not, but... aye, i have no words for the world of difference there. oh wait! i do:

so. first and foremost, i hate it. as both a movie and a sequel. did i find it entertaining? yes, mildly, so i suppose it did its job, however the only thing that keeps me watching it is because, simply, it's part of the pacific rim franchise whether we like it or not. therefore, i squeeze as much salvageable content from it as i can, such as how one might analyze the precursors, how we are to view hermann and newt as characters pre-, during, and post-uprising, what we are to expect from drifting (though this one i take with a grain of salt, there is a whole other rant preserved for the joke of an attempt to develop that shit within the movie)

one of my biggest issues with pacific rim is really simple: it plays out like DeKnight did not watch the first fucking movie or was scrolling through twitter while doing it and decided he'd make a cash grab since the first one was relatively popular. "haha the kaiju were going for mount fuji the whole time!!" bitch no they weren't!!! why the fuck did they end up anywhere near sydney, australia, then!!! why did they turn tail on places like manila and san fran instead of heading straight for japan!!! WHY DID THE ONE THAT WAS IN JAPAN NOT SUCCEED, THERE'S NO WAY WITH THOSE MARK 1 JAEGERS THEY'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REASONABLY FIGURE OUT THEIR PLAN AND WHERE THEY WERE GOING IN TIME TO STOP THEM!!! newt literally lays out what they are doing in the first movie and they completely ignored that!!! not to mention, if the destruction from elements found in mount fuji would have been enough to terraform the earth, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST FUCKING DO THAT WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSEDLY ON EARTH AGES AGO??? THERE WERE VOLCANOES WITH THOSE SAME ELEMENTS BEFORE RIGHT NOW, VOLCANOES ARE NOT A RELATIVELY NEW THING EARTH CREATED SUDDENLY AND I WOULD IMAGINE NEITHER ARE THOSE ELEMENTS!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! and.... okay the fucking drones. how did those bitches make breaches??? we know the breach is some result of precursor/kaiju technology, apparently they know the breach's atomic structure as hermann said in the first movie, but how tf some kaiju organs and tech from earth only is ALL it takes to open a breach... illudes and confuses me... why were no more breaches made by the precursors once they realized how long and how many resources it was taking to kill the humans off??? if it's??? shit they could do with simple earth materials + their own biology??? they could have ended things much faster??? shit just doesn't add up, idk, that was Vague and Annoyed Me

and the jaegers.... were....... strange? the fight scenes were so underwhelming, i could count on one hand the number of maneuvers—NOT SCENES, MANEUVERS—i thought were badass and moved well. their fighting was confusing and paced really weird and some of the moves they pulled... don't... work like that... like some of those scenes were just hand-to-hand combat but in big robot form and they didn't sit right with me at all.

and the characters......... oh my word, the characters. look: i love jake pentecost with all of my heart and soul and john boyega's beautiful acting just barely saves the movie from its poor writing. i do love him as a character. but can someone explain to me why in the world they thought it was a good idea to make the only black guy a black market thief/runner, deep-record criminal with daddy and authority issues, and who they dare try to play off as some kind of lazy??? they made him every stereotype they could and said "yeah let's go with that". i'm- aaaaaaaaaaaaaa and what was with the child soldiers??? ROBOCOPS?????? mako....... character assassination at its worst........ my baby......... but the movie was paced so GOD DAMN POORLY I GOT BORED AND LITERALLY MISSED HER DYING THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED IT. and i couldn't tell you the names of half of those poor damn kids, i really couldn't. and can i also say they killed off one of the only two darker skinned kids?? like y'all???? the other darker skinned kids (one of the children i can't remember the names of because it was uttered ONCE in the entire movie or some shit) didn't even GET characterization. my whole heart goes out to her and those other underdeveloped fucks. speaking of...... i am ashamed about jules. from the movie that brought us the mako mori test, they threw in a girl simply for the sake of some shitty, awkward, and unexplained love triangle between jake and White Angst without much else to put to her name. she deserved better. amara was... a decent shot, but very hit or miss because of the writing. i, personally, am very neutral about her leaning towards liking her, but i know people who swing love and who swing hate. liwen was like,,,, they tried really hard to make her unlikable at the beginning because "oh no, she must be the villain! GOTTEM plot twist!!!" and then suddenly she's no longer. threatening everyone except newt. idk i feel like they leaned to heavily one way and i got whiplash when she's actually another but there was nothing to... portray that. at all. i do like her character, and that says a lot because they got me to sympathize with a capitalist without actually regretting it later, but there could/should have been More there. she was powerful, though, in multiple different aspects, and we saw that from her CONSISTENTLY and i 😳🥵👀💕 mako mori test pass for her

now, let's talk about hermann (and by extention, newton, however he'll be getting a section all his own the rat bastard). that man is one of the single instances of decent cross-movie characterization i saw in the whole god damn film. the idea that he takes on newton's roles, that he is more outspoken for himself, that he is just slightly more unhinged after his drift with newton: THAT is on point. he's himself, you can see it, you still know that he's hermann with ever step, but there's something that has shifted in him in those 10 years and it's good without being too much. the "i still get nightmares" scene, the way he presents himself, that scene gives me chills because god bless burn gorman and his acting ability. every face and intonation of his voice is just wonderful and i think his performance was great for what he was given. king shit.

the biggest disappointment of my life came in the form of a kaiju vest wearing bitch at work. at his corporate job. as a boss. for a tech company that undermines all of his and, frankly, hermann's work over their lifetimes. 10 years older and exaggerated to the teeth. newton "move you fascist" geiszler. let me preface this by stating for all to see that i do not hate the idea of newton being the villain. story wise it was a bold move and there was something possible there. BUT THE IMPLICATION THAT ONE OF THE MOST OBVIOUSLY NEURODIVERGENT CHARACTERS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING FRANCHISE, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT HE HAS BEEN CHARACTERIZED AS HAVING A "BORDERLINE MANIC PERSONALITY" AKA HAVING ONE OF THE MOST DEMONIZED MENTAL ILLNESSES OUT THERE, ENDS UP ACTING AS THE GOD DAMN VILLAIN OF THE STORY IS A HOT GARBAGE TAKE WHEN YOU FACTOR IN THINGS LIKE POOR WRITING NOT MAKING IT CLEAR WHETHER OR NOT NEWTON IS EVEN IN CONTROL OF HIS OWN FACULTIES AND THE VAGUENESS OF "WILL HE BE 'REDEEMED' OR NOT" BEING UP IN THE AIR LIKELY NEVER TO BE CANONICALLY FUCKING ANSWERED BECAUSE BECKHAM AND DEKNIGHT SHAT OUT A MOVIE THAT BOMBED IN THE BOX OFFICE. we aren't even gonna TALK about the fact that this bitch got AWAY with it despite not even acting in a remotely stable way comparable to himself in the first movie in the 10 years he supposedly dropped off the map from all of his friends because, clearly, hermann hadn't seen him or he wouldn't be so excited with a picture of the two of them on his desk, nor would he have to tell newton about his idea for rocket thrusters with kaiju blood fuel because he would have simply written to him about it. for some strange reason people see his ass show up decked out in a suit he wouldn't even wear for Stacker Fucking Pentecost and a behavior of "Haha Gotta Listen To The Boss" and think "ah, yes, well, time changes a person. THIS BITCH HAS APPARENTLY BEEN LIKE THIS THE WHOLE TIME, YOU THINK HE GOT A JOB WITH LIWEN LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE HE DID BEFORE AND THERE WAS A SHIFT OVER TIME? NO, HE HAD TO HAVE CHANGED IN A SPLIT DECISION AND LIED ABOUT HIMSELF THROUGH HIS TEETH AND NO ONE CONTACTED HIM, OR WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM, OR DECIDEDLY THOUGHT "YOU KNOW, HE MAY BE EMBOLDENED THAT HE SAVED THE WORLD, BUT I THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAVE THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT ON HIM AND HE WOULD DO HIS BEST TO AMPLIFY HIS CURRENT STANDING TRAITS. LISTENING TO AND KISSING THE BOOT OF AUTHORITY FIGURES? DIVORCING HIMSELF FROM HIS WORK WITH KAIJU XENOBIOLOGY THAT EVEN HERMANN PICKED UP? TO BECOME THE THING HE HATES? AND FOR WHAT? MONEY? FAME? BITCH WHO ARE YOU?" unreasonable. ridiculous attempt to do this just for a plot twist that was underwhelming at best. i've decided to stick to the fan theory that he was not in control 99% of the time but literally that movie causes such a hellfire path to appear in my wake as i think about it because i know people who don't take it like that and think newt wants what's happening because "haha horny kaiju man" and i wish to scream at the top of my lungs because this is exactly WHY you CANNOT spare ANY EXPENSE to the GOOD, PROPER, INTRICATE directing and writing of a character who is neurodivergent and also ONE OF THE CENTERS OF NOT JUST THE MOVIE YOU'RE WRITING, BUT THE FUCKING MOVIE AFTER THAT. i could go on but i sincerely don't fucking want to, despite how long i've been waiting for someone to willingly hear me out on all of this. all i'll say is if by some miracle they are greenlit for a third film and deknight's working on it and i see ANY sign of a bury your gays end for newt, i'm going to commit the first hate crime against a cishet white male.

to end, the only valid kaiju in that movie was the mega-kaiju, i don't remember the appearance or the names of the three that got through the breaches but the mega-kaiju could kill me and i'd die happy 🥰 beautiful design, that scale comparison when it came face to face with newt? amazing, chills, *chef's kiss* there are exactly two things i liked about uprising and that bitch is one of them.

sorry if this isn't what you wanted, but as i said i am in a bit of a bad mood and have been curled up in bed trying not to think that i'm dying and i've repressed all of this for a couple months now and very few people have actually heard PORTIONS of my frustration so. here it is.

[sneakerdoodle]

On Second Citadel and unity

It was interesting to me that, after making Junoverse a very poignant gender utopia (and general lgbt-utopia, too), Kabert went ahead and made their second storyline so heavily centered around bigotry and discrimination (dealing with topics of ableism, mysogyny, homophobia). now, obviosuly, Junoverse is not even remotely free of inequality, and as far as the mentioned topics are handled this utopia is not disability-friendly, with prosthetics not being readily available with no charge, which, like many other things, strips people of their autonomy, turns them into a rich man’s plaything. But here inequality is arguably explored from the point of exploitation of one human being by another, of abuse of power (interpersonal and social-scale). Whereas Second Citadel opens with an episode about two knights - a disabled one and a woman one - both of whom struggled for similar reasons, so there is supposedly little power imbalance here. And yet they do not see eye to eye, even more so, one of them furthers the other’s discrimination. We can speculate that that’s Sir Caroline’s effort to fit in - strengthen the sense of her hard-earned belonging by othering someone who never got that right to belong. Which doesn’t make it any less infuriating and damaging, but sets the tone of the story very well. There is no strong thriving off the weak. There are just people infinitely rejecting one another on the basis of their differences, often under the weight of their own rejection.

The topic of ostracization and discrimination is tackled in almost every arc of SC, but the idea of othering extends beyond it. The central conflict, the ongoing war is between monsters and humans - and while we’re more familiar with the human side of it, while we may learn more about the history of their conflict and who wronged whom first and worst, for now we’ve seen both humans and monsters express deep disgust for each other and one another’s way of living. And then the same happens on a smaller scale, within one species: we see the mutual disdain between Northerners and Southerners. Sir Caroline is different not only as a woman but as a foreigner; the Cinderclasp episode made it far too clear that the attitude to foreigners in the South is no better. 

And all of that unravels against the backdrop of pretty phrases about unity that get repeated over and over. “Strength in Unity”. “Two in unity, simple, strong”. I believe those are not instruments of irony, however, but keys to the central message, echoes of this societies’ past and - hopefully - foreshadowing of their future.

Sir Caroline twists the meaning of that unity in order to keep her authority:

ANGELO: Sir Caroline, I really don't think-- CAROLINE: What is the primary edict of our Citadel, Sir Angelo? ANGELO: Strength in unity. Of course. CAROLINE: And the sooner you all remember that, the safer humanity will be in these Northern Wilds. Hypocrites. The lot of you. Unified only when it’s convenient. No better than monsters in that way: greed governs all, and everyone just does what they want to get what they want. If you just listened to authority, real authority, you might actually be safe.

And that happens to highlight what unity is not: giving up one’s autonomy and approach and unique competence to fit into someone else’s model of desired reality. 

Here Damien’s words about perspectives come into play. However labored and uncomfortable they were, showing his inability to not fixate on what separates others from him, they are important as a piece of the meta puzzle: they make us think of inherent value of different experiences.

DAMIEN: My kind, kind friend. I agree that it is a shame that we cannot trust these men. They would be valuable allies, as Sir Caroline was – for moving through the world as she has, in a life quite different from ours, has clearly gifted her with ways of thinking that you and I would never come to. ANGELO: Very true, very true. DAMIEN: And so I am certain that given Marc’s...situation, he too must have a perspective of great value in our mission. But the simple fact is that he cannot be trusted.

The importance of these lines is backed up in Lady of the Lake, when Caroline is instructed to use specific characteristics of her subordinates and turn them into strength that would aid the mission. We are told over and over that true unity is in embracing our differences, valuing them and working together to make these differences work in everyone’s favour. 

There is something to be said about quite careless exploitation of Damien’s neurodivergency of course, but that is once again the warped verison of true unity, showing what unity is not, but also simultaneously giving us some idea of its potential. At the core, behind Sir Caroline’s personal errors, the message is kinder, broader. We are told again and again that the importance of the unqiue approach, unique way of thought, unique operation of our minds can enrich our shared experience and cooperation beyond measure.

So when later on Sir Caroline instead tries to suffocate any challenge to her authority, any alternative point of view, it comes as the biggest whiplash.

And of course, when discussing the monster-human antagonism in this vein, the Moonlit Hermit arc gives some truly invaluable material. Rilla and Arum’s interactions are strongly based on the differences of their approach to the world, with Rilla’s being a rational one and Arum operating on what can be called intuition, spiritual sense and probably instinct. He despises attempts to rationalize the free broad flow of the universal energy.

And what we see is two of them coming together, sharing their views of the world and finding something useful, fascinating, beautiful in the point of view that seemed so unthinkable before. That culminates in the truly breathtaking scene of their discussion of the nature of music, whether it’s magic or math:

RILLA: I mean..why can’t it be both? ARUM: Nonsense. RILLA: No, I mean...maybe that’s what makes music special. It uses these predictable scales and measures and combines them with some unpredictable, something-- ARUM: Magic. And what comes out isn’t really either. It’s...more.

“It’s more”. Can’t overstate how hard this hits. And the parallel between this theory and Rilla and Arum’s relationship is more than on the nose, proving to us once again that the idea of unifying our different experiences and perspectives as something incredibly valuable, something that creates something new, rich, priceless, that is more than just a sum of the two, is central to the narrative.

What is interesting to me in the Moonlit Hermit arc is the distinction that is made between the monsters and the humans. Humans are supposedly rational while monsters speak of magic and the Universe - what a fun narrative is that! Monstrous spirituality... And then later on we have Damien raging at his saint, yelling “It is only monsters who listen to their heart above all!” - but apparently it is not. 

The new season offered some helpful context to that, specifically - the Thought Stream. Obviously referencing the Tarot, it has four suites resembling the Minor Arcana while what can be called the Major Arcana is not a part of the deck usually but something that appears unpredictably (specifically: Olala’s card that does not belong to the Wilds, Wastes, Frosts or Mirrors suit). 

The four Tarot suits (Swords, Cups, Wands and Pentacles) represent different areas of our life, separated: Intellect, Emotion, Spirituality/Creativity and the Material. Mind, Heart, Spirit and Body.

The four suits also correspond with the four elements. And Water is the one corresponding with Heart, with our emotions. I do not think it to be a coincidence that Saint Damien - the one encouraging his follower to listen to his heart, teaching him tranquility i.e. not losing oneself in the stream of emotion, the one teaching how to let one’s heart guide not stir - has water and the waves as his symbol.

So if Damien is Heart, Rilla is definitely Mind: she is analytical, a determined problem solver. I believe Arum represents the Wands: the Spirit and the fire - and that it is a symbol connected to monsters’ society in general. 

Wands suit deals with passionate creation, with realizing one’s vision, bringing something into the world. That seems in line with the monstrous philosophy in general. They talk of one’s place decided by the Universe, they say one is justified in their actions as long as they truly do what they want, follow where their passion guides them. There is quite a bit of hypocrisy there as we can see in the Spiral Sage arc, the monster society may just be keeping the platitudes while giving in to the power of the strongest no matter the Universe’s place for the weak - but the ideal is still there, and it is one Arum seems to follow wholeheartedly. (Hence his interpretation of Damien seemingly abandoning his path as a lack of character.)

The same idea - one’s place in the Universe - is brought up again in the first part of “The Fool in the Garden of Death”, showing this belief spreads beyond monsters’ society, into the Western Wastes. None of the elements, be it Heart or Spirit, are strictly one species’; however, we’re dealing with different cultures and ways of life people are most accustomed to, prioritizing different aspects of life. And we’re being shown that maybe engaging with each other is what those cultures are supposed to do.

The Thought Stream’s deck is made up of four suits corresponding with four ends of the world, four parts of it. Where in Tarot we have aspects in Thought Stream we have places. This reinforces the concept of different aspects of life, different ways of approaching it, corresponding with specific societies. 

Each of the suits is given an identity, but all of them make up one deck.

After all, what’s one aspect of a being without all the rest? Reign of just one’s Mind, Heart, Spirit or Body - how long can it last before turning destructive?

True strength is in balance of different elements - in unity that recognizes the value of each of them.

I have a theory that the ideals of the Second Citadel are the forgotten and revamped mottos of the beings of Fort Terminus: “two in unity” being not two partners but two worlds, monster and human, coming together to create something that is more, something new and powerful and full of potential. Capable of building something as impressive as the Bridge. I also have a theory that the Bridge is a parallel to the Tower of Babel. Which brings us to the idea of a divided world unable to see past the differences between societies, and through that losing the power that unity used to give it.

Showing the world where difference is shunned and leads to ostracism, where people that come from different places fail to acknowledge each other’s humanity and refuse to embrace their differences, where two species fail to accept the other’s way of living and deny the enemy their humanity/monstrosity, the Second Citadel storyline is offering a greater value as an endgoal: embracing difference and diversity, seeing strength in what sets us apart from each other, and recognizing that we all complete one another, like the four aspects of our own being, like four pillars upon which the sky rests. Deny one single pillar’s importance and wait for it to come crashing down on you. It says: to know true strength, we should welcome any and all experience, all of the unique perspectives, celebrate the differences that make our shared existence so much richer and make us so much more capable to deal with challenges of life. Strength in unity - not in uniformity.

[libra-araelty]

Hello!

My name is Neo. I am a neurodivergent young adult from the United States.

Neurodivergent, you say?

Yes! Neurodivergent means my brain does not function the same way that a typical human does. However that does not stop me from living a normal, everyday life just like everyone else!

I have Asperger’s Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MaDD), and Dyscalculia, all diagnosed. It is also highly suspected that i have Bipolar Disorder and Trichotillomania (TTM), suggested to me by people who have either condition.

Being subject to these conditions, I have quite a few struggles in my daily life. I have sensory issues, so things like uncomfortable clothes and strong scents can make it so I’m unable to function at full capacity. If these sensory issues are pushed further and further, I am at risk of going into a sensory overload or a meltdown. That only happens very rarely for me, though.

My attention span is very flaky, and I have a difficult time staying on one topic for long periods of time. I need constant changing stimuli for me to not burn out while on a task. This ironically contributes to hyperfixation, an intense focus on one particular thing for a period of time. I know, that seems like the opposite of what I said before, but they are linked. See, hyperfixation isn’t exactly something that can be forced. When hyperfocusing, I may not be able to take myself out of that particular focus, and it consumes all my thoughts for however long my brain decides to hyperfixate on it. This contributes to my flaky attention span because instead of being able to force myself to focus on something im supposed to be doing, instead the brain goes “no, you’re going to think about this one thing and we’re going to make it very hard for you to focus on anything BUT this one thing. Special Interests (SI’s) follow a similar, yet more intense pattern. SI’s last much longer, if not lifelong for me. Theyre more prominent and effective on my life than my hyperfixations.

This is where MaDD comes into play. MaDD is a condition that can be adopted and unlearned. The DSM doesn’t recognize it as an official disorder, but it is a condition that exists in many people, especially people with attention or anxiety related contitions. MaDD shares a lot of traits with cases of addiction too, however this one is much easier to take control of and is not exactly harmful. The first word, maladaptive, can be broken in half: Mal and Adaptive. Mal means bad or poor, and adaptive means the ability to adapt. Maladaptive Daydreaming basically means daydreaming that causes poor adaptation skills. MaDDers are typically those who have conditions like Autism, AD(H)D, OCD, General Anxiety, and Dyslexia. Most people adopt the technique of Maladaptive Daydreaming in their childhood or early teens and if not caught early on, can last their entire lives. However, MaDD isn’t essentially a harmful thing. Like I said, it’s easily controlled. You may be asking, “what exactly is it about MaDD that causes poor adaptation? its just daydreaming.” MaDDers daydream at an average of 6 hours minimum a day. These daydreams are intense and easily triggered by everyday things like music, art, friends, even normal emotional events. MaDDers tend to use these dreams as an escape from reality but also a reality of their own, like a lucid dream but for your waking self. The daydreams tend to have intricately woven worlds, stories, chracters, and plots, all feeling just as real to the dreamer as the rest of life itself. MaDDers tend to daydream to escape real situations they may not want to be a part of and sometimes even cancel plans just to continue to daydream.

Why are you telling me all of this? This all seems so personal and insignificant to me.

This is FAR from insignificant to anyone. You may not be Autistic or a MaDDer or even neurodivergent, but I know that as a human being you still have lots of struggles, just like me. Ive told you all about my struggles and you’re probably thinking “wow how pathetic, they cant control their own brain.” Yeah actually, I can. Even if you weren’t thinking that, (which I actually highly doubt anyone was thinking that I just wanted to put an example of worst case scenario) what if I told you that no matter what, no matter who you were or what you were going through, you can still grab hold of yourself and make your life yours? You better believe it, because despite all the conditions I just told you I have, I have taught myself to make my own path in life and not let my struggles decide what my fate is. I believe anything is possible with a little patience and elbow grease, so thats why I have made this blog. It is sorta a combination of a journal, an advice blog, and an inspirational quote blog. I want to be able to share my knowledge of my identity and experiences in order to hopefully inspire someone to get up out of the hole theyre stuck in and make their life their own again! I love the conditions I have, and I use their benefits as my superpowers and dont let the negative aspects of them hold me back. They are a part of me and who I am and I will treat them with just as much love and care as I should treat myself, and hopefully you can treat yourself with the same amount of love too <3

With love,

Neo

P.S.

Heres a couple more fun facts about me!

My biggest special interests are Homestuck, Dragons, and literally just identity in general and have been special to me for almost 5 years now

I love music and my favorite artists are Imagine Dragons, Fall Out Boy, OneRepublic, Vance Joy, hi i’m Case, Of Monsters and Men, and Watsky!

I love to draw and play D&D! I love the character creation and I’m currently working on my own campaign

My personality labels are Sun Libra, Moon Sagittarius, Rising Taurus, INTP-T, 5w4, 541, Ravenclaw, Thunderbird, Seer of Heart, Dersian, True Neutral, Blue-Green Paladin, Firebender, and Skywing Elf

If I were a D&D character I’d be a true neutral forest gnome sorcerer sage who wields a katana and raises dragons

My favorite movies are How To Train Your Dragon (1&2), It, Star Wars, and Pete’s Dragon (2016). My favorite shows are The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, The Dragon Prince, Camp Camp, Gravity Falls, Twelve Forever and The Mandalorian

I love making aesthetics and stimboards, my favorite colors are blue violet, cornflower, sapphire, teal, spring green, and bubblegum pink. I love pastel kawaii fashion because of these colors

I either want to become a cartoonist or a counselor as a career, or both and be able to use one to help the other

[internetkatze]

"What Do You Want To Hear?" - Additional Commentary

This is about the fanfic I posted yesterday, based on That Scene from Can You Hear Me?. I had more things I wanted to say about it, but that got too long for author's notes. So consider this bonus content if you're reading on Tumblr.

I put a lot of myself into this story, and it means a lot of things. I expect everyone who reads it will get different meanings from it. But for me, the most important part was the idea of isolation vs. belonging. The thing about cancer is that it's like this Big Bad Wolf that people are afraid of before they've ever even encountered it. Media shows cancer as this devastating horrible illness that is uniquely one of the worst things anyone can experience. But really, if you're the one experiencing it, you're still the same person, except now you're experiencing a Shitty Thing, that's just, like, a thing in your life you have to deal with now. Yes, you can suffer a lot! It can be painful and depressing and you can die from it, often a very slow and tragic death. But that's the only part that people ever see. And the result is that it turns us, the patients/survivors, into a Concept. We lose our sense of identity because it becomes a symbol for other people to point to as "look at that horrible, frightening thing", like it's a monster or boogeyman or something.

And once people start seeing you as a Concept, and stop seeing you as a person, your social ties disintegrate. I lost nearly all my friends after I got sick. The few who stuck around were the ones who saw me for what I was: a teenager who was just trying to live their life while also dealing with something kinda painful. And really, isn't that true for just about anyone? Cancer isn't special. It just evokes scarier imagery. I think maybe some of my friends were scared of losing me too. But that doesn't mean they could forget about me as if I had already died.

(btw, here’s a morbidly hilarious post that is pretty much the most accurate thing I’ve ever read about what it’s like to go through cancer treatment)

Graham isn't my favourite character or anything. It was hard to get into his head. But he caught my attention in series 11 because his status as a cancer survivor is not one I often see, and especially the fact that it wasn't the core of his identity, it wasn't something around which the show pinned its angst and drama. His problems were more about losing Grace and growing closer to Ryan! Yes, his survivor status was important to how he saw the world, but it wasn't exploitative. Graham is not a Symbol, he's just Graham.

I wondered, then, if his backstory would be brought up again in a more complex way. Seeing the world as a cancer survivor is distinct from non-survivors, because while cancer may not be special, it is a trauma, and surviving trauma will always reshape you in ways that nobody could imagine if they haven't lived through it. If you write a character as a survivor for the Drama but don't consider their interiority, not only does that flatten their personhood, it will also hurt those of us who are IRL survivors.

So back to the crux of the problem. The scene in Can You Hear Me? has generated a lot of debate but I haven't seen survivor perspectives and that is rather disheartening. I see that a lot of people found it relatable because they've been in the Doctor's position before, or maybe they're socially awkward, or neurodivergent (all of this applies to me too, btw). But I see it from Graham's point of view. He's right; fear never actually goes away. Even if you do your checkups and everything's fine. Cancer can always come back. I'm 9 years out, and I still have this fear.

But more than anything--please consider what I have said about social disintegration--it's scary to bring up your fears and experiences because what if you get turned into a concept? what if you lose your personhood? take it from me: people get WEIRD when you start talking about this stuff. Even if they want to cheer you up! Even if they're trying to reassure you! They have no idea what to do and then all of a sudden it's a Thing and everyone's Uncomfortable and now oops, maybe you've lost a friend, because then they're gonna start distancing themselves from you and you can feel it happen and nothing's gonna stop it.

I don't blame anyone for thinking that's what the Doctor was doing in that scene. Take it from a survivor's perspective, though: the context here is that the Doctor has always treated Graham as a person. She has never let him become a Concept. She's struggling to find words, that's normal; She's asking for more time to gather her thoughts, that's reasonable; But she's not one to shower him with empty reassurances just because that's what you're supposed to do. She sees Graham for what he is, and she knows he deserves better than whatever spur-of-the-moment thought she can offer.

That, to me, is worth more than any grand inspirational speech. The fact that she cares for him as part of the fam, respect him and never treats him as lesser because of his survivor status. Graham is scared, yes, but: that is what we need, as survivors. Belonging with our friends, knowing we're not going to be left behind because Big Scary Cancer is too much for people to think about.

That's why I wrote that fic. This is what I feel, and that is why I want people to read it, or even just read this essay, because I'm tired of seeing arguments from people who only see one half of the conversation.

If you're a survivor and you disagree with me? Cool. But if you're not, don't erase our perspectives because of whatever symbolic imagery you have of what it's like to be one.

(All that said: yes, i'm still scared as to where the show will still take this plot point... i can only hope they can handle it as sensitively as possible.)

[fire-fira]

Nonbinary Awareness Week Day 4: Visibility For The Invisible

What are my identities besides nonbinary?:

Mixed-race Native-- Cherokee and Lenape on my bio-mom’s side, Oglala Lakota on my bio-dad’s side, and Irish, Scottish, Norse, Egyptian, and German.

Neurodivergent-- allistic hyperlexic and dysgeographic

Abuse survivor

Currently 34 (born in ‘86)

Aro/ace

How do my other identities intersect with my nonbinarity?:

In terms of my gender, part of how I understand it is through my racial identity. I can’t really separate it out, especially not when knowing that my Native ancestors had space for people like me and realizing that is part of what helped me feel safer in being open about who I am.

There’s also the fact that my personal style in terms of how I present myself is a careful balance between trying to be read accurately as my gender (difficult as that is) while also trying to be read as ‘not white’ as possible. Yes I’m mixed, yes I’m white-passing, but I don’t like being assumed to be ‘just white’ because it makes me feel like who I am is getting bleached from me so others can find me more ‘palatable’. It makes my skin crawl. (And considering my hell-beast bio-mother pretty much tried all my life to make me as not Native as possible, the idea makes me feel sick.)

A big part of me knowing who and what I am as early as I did (age 4) is thanks to the fact that I’m hyperlexic and that part of how my hyperlexia was expressed back then was through logic and an understanding of ‘If I do x, then y will happen’ (over everything from the possibility of death by getting hit by a car if I stepped into a street too soon, to abstract concepts like the idea that I’d be locked in an asylum and never let out if I told anyone I wasn’t a girl or a boy-- this is the kind of crap I thought about even when I was 4). I was way too damn smart for my own good as a little kid, but it served me well in that I was able to figure out what I was not long after my memories first started up (my 4th birthday, it was like I hadn’t existed before and then someone threw a switch and just-- BOOM-- instant awareness and no memory of anything before and no recognition of where I was, it was weird AF), and knowing what I was that early on gave me the sort of stability I needed to know that if I existed then others had to.

I was going to say that my dysgeographica hasn’t impacted my gender, but thinking about it I can think of one way it did. Since it’s so easy for me to get lost and turned around, I learned early on how to let go and trust that I’d either find my way or that someone I was with would be able to get me to where I was going. In a way, that kind of took some of the stress off of trying to find an answer for what my gender was as a kid.

As for being an abuse survivor... OOF. There are a lot of awful things I lived through (primarily emotional/mental abuse and neglect-- I’ll spare everyone details because it’s heavy as hell) but the worst of it did give me some perspective. Me hiding who I am was miserable as hell, and while being nonbinary can be nerve-wracking in some crowds, being able to look back on my personal hell and the fact that I survived gives me a confidence I don’t think I’d have otherwise. Nothing that life can throw at me will ever be as bad as that. People can be as hostile and ridiculous as they want, but they can never make me be closeted about being nonbinary again.

Yay being 34. (Tbh I used to think-- probably because of the abuse-- I wouldn’t live to see 30. But guess what? I’M STILL ALIVE AND KICKING AND I DON’T PLAN ON GOING ANYWHERE FOR A LONG DAMN TIME. HA-FREAKING-HA.) For most of my life there were no terms for my gender and as a kid I didn’t dare say what I was. To my knowledge (before I found out otherwise later) I was the only nonbinary person I knew and didn’t meet another enby until I was 25. (At least one of the people I was friends with back in high school has turned out to be an enby, but I don’t think they came out until their late 20s.) The ‘90s sucked for having any examples of anyone nonbinary-- both in real life and in fiction. I gravitated toward fiction and clung to whatever characters I found that resonated with me. The one advantage that being so isolated has given me is that it helped me stay in spaces where I felt out of place in circumstances where a lot of other people would have just left, so I was able to get what I needed or do what I needed to.

For a long time-- up until my early-to-mid-20s in fact-- I didn’t realize that my aro/ace-ness and nonbinary-ness weren’t a package deal. (Which is kind of funny in a ‘wtf, where is the logic?’ way because my aro/ace-ness was never an issue for me. I have an uncle on my bio-dad’s side who’s ace and might be aro but idk, so my aro/ace-ness was always brushed off by my family as being ‘genetic’ and therefore not something to be concerned about, but I was absolutely convinced that if anyone knew I was nonbinary then bad things would happen. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) Because I was so isolated for most of my life, I was under the mistaken assumption that they were all kind of tied together. Thank gods for education. So as a result for a long time how I understood my gender also hinged on my orientation (and dear gods, I know using that word makes me sound old af, but it’s less wordy than to get into the whole tangled mess of how sexual and romantic attraction aren’t the same thing and don’t always ‘line up’ for people, yada yada yada). These days I see all three parts as distinct and vaguely interlinked in my case, but no one part of my nonbinary/aro/ace-ness would magically stop existing if one of the other parts changed.

Why do I think my specific experience is less visible than other experiences?:

Let me put it this way: the line-up of being a hyperlexic and dysgeographic aro/ace mixed-race Native abuse-survivor isn’t exactly a common experience. There aren’t many people who have issues of being de-legitimized on the fronts of their gender, their racial identity, their sexuality and romantic orientation, and their neurodivergency all at once. Or having those things pinging off each other used as a way to call into question their mental faculties.

Even as specific as my identity is, because of how liminal my identities are and my past history of abuse I have to remind myself that I can take up space in areas that apply to me. I am so used to being on the edge of accepted existence, even despite the fact that it’s been 14 years since I was taken out of my personal hell, that I have to occasionally remind myself that I’m not taking attention away from those who need to be heard when I’m one of those people.

There are times I haven’t spoken because I’m in an aro/ace space, or a nonbinary space, or an indigenous space, and what I have going on at a given time involves one of the other aspects of my identity. And thing is, if you won’t ever speak up then you won’t ever be heard or seen. That’s something I’m working on, and this entry for Nonbinary Awareness Week is just one step in that.

What’s something about my experience I would like other people to know?:

You don’t always have to have the answers.

It’s okay to sit back and trust that things will happen as they need to happen if something gets to be too much. You’ll figure yourself out more easily if you let yourself just have things come to you as they will.

It hurts sometimes and that sucks, but things can’t improve if you don’t put yourself out there when you’re ready to. The people who matter most will accept you and love you for who you are, not what they think you are.

Multiple seemingly contradictory things can be true about you all at once, and that’s okay.

It’s okay to stand your ground and be honest about who you are.

Even if you feel isolated and closed off, disadvantaged and backed into a corner, educating yourself and doing the work to decolonize your mind and dismantle internalized prejudices will help immensely.

If you think you’re the only one-- in whatever way-- I guarantee you that you’re not. You just have to give yourself time, make the effort to learn, and allow yourself the opportunity to meet others.

---

[Day 1]

[Day 2]

[Day 3]