#and the whole eternal youth thing obviously

[greenhoodiegremlin-blog]

i see your “wu and garmadon started aging because they were separated/in different realms” and raise you;

its not just about them growing older. wu gives up immortality and becomes more human, less god, while garmadon starts turning into some sort of eldritch horror. into something inhuman. idk idk its just. such a wide divide.

[ronanlynchbf]

"all this foreshadowing abt declan dying and then he didn't even die" well personally i think declan got murdered dead by mstief in greywaren so. actually 2 me he did die. Badly.

[kyaroscuro]

All About You

Maybe it's all about you when your youth is filled with each other's names and your heart has never changed. That's what Juyeon finds out when he falls in love with his best friend.

pairing : bff!juyeon x gn!reader (+bf to ex!sunwoo) genre : fluff, bestfriends to lovers, slow burn, slight angst but happy ending warnings : swearing/cursing, sex jokes, implied sex, mention of burnout, alcohol consumption, heartbreak, pet names (sweetheart, good girl, pretty, baby) notes : it's been a long road but i'm happy to introduce y'all to my baby! i've been (and still am) obsessed with juyeon since the zeneration 2 concert and i guess i've had a lot to write about him... i hope you'll find out the few references i've managed to sneak in! enjoy ✧.* shout out to my dear @winterchimez for proofreading and helping me during the whole writing process, you were a great help <3 words count : 13745

No one ever told you how relationships work. So when you fell in love with your best friend Juyeon at 16, you felt a little helpless. Should he be the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Was it wrong to lean on him when he welcomed you into his arms for a movie night? Eventually those feelings faded as you both started dating, and you wondered if it was even true love. Maybe the 16-year-old teenager you were was just attracted to the idea of being close to another soul, mentally and physically.

Maybe yes.

The only thing you know right now at 24, is that the feelings you had for Juyeon back then were nothing compared to the ones you have for Sunwoo today. The attention and love he gives you makes everyone jealous. Even Juyeon himself.

If he wanted to take you out to dinner, you would turn him down because you already had plans with Sunwoo. Arcade, karaoke, late night walks, picnics, fancy restaurants or fast food, you’re always together. Sometimes when you feel like staying in, Juyeon would show up, hoping to watch a movie like the good old days. But he’s met with Sunwoo at the door and doesn’t have the energy to see you being all lovey-dovey.

He knows better than to be a third wheel. As much as he understands the time you spend with your boyfriend, he can’t help but feel jealous and left out. You’re not trying to make him feel that way, you just needed Sunwoo’s presence.

The two of you met in your 3rd year of thesis. He was actually the student under your supervision for his end-of-studies internship. You obviously spent six months seeing each other and working together – in the lab, the library, cafes and even at home. You both grew closer in no time, and that’s only fair given the fact that Sunwoo is a living comedian. You don’t think you would have made it through the whole editing process without his support.

The funniest thing he had ever done was that he was proofreading your work while you did the same for his. Sure enough, you both graduated with the help from one another and a couple of kisses were shared.

From Juyeon’s point of view, those six months felt like an eternity. He had a girlfriend at the time and couldn’t really go out with you. You were both busy for different reasons, but still tried to see each other once a week. But when you did see each other, you always talked about Sunwoo and he talked about his girlfriend. That’s what your lives were made of, but it was a little heartbreaking that you were best friends who only talked about your partners.

“How’s the job hunt going?” He asked at one of your meetings.

“Great actually, I felt like giving up, but I didn’t endure those three years to throw it all away, did I? Sunwoo helped me a lot, he’s my lifesaver.”

Juyeon felt like throwing up, as if his heart had been stepped on the moment he heard those words, and he didn’t know why.

“What about you?” You asked him, cutting his train of thought.

Oh, he knew you were talking about his own job, which he quit a few months ago (more like he’s on a break because he’s burned out). But it’s not like he has to tell you; he doesn’t have the guts to anyway. He thinks you would be sad and angry with him, when all you really want is for him to be happy. And he’s also upset that he’s had to give up on his dream job because it was affecting his health. Thankfully, his boss has been kind enough to give him a chance to rest up for now. Maybe all he needs to keep going is your reassurance?

“We broke up.” He says quietly, looking down at his hands.

“I’m so sorry Juyo, aren’t you too sad?” You say as you reach out to him.

“To be honest, I am.” He admits, looking up at you, a small smile forms on his lips. “It was a mutual agreement, but I feel like I screwed it up. She said I needed to think about my own needs and wants.”

“And what do you want?”

“To spend time with you.” He says straightforwardly.

Your cheeks flushed at his sudden comment. Has he always been so honest?

“I’m free tomorrow if you’re fine with that? Sunwoo is going out with his band.” You say, eager to spend more time with him. “Oh, and Juyo; you should know that I will always make time for you. You’re a big part of my life and I care about you more than anyone else so please do not hesitate to reach out if you need anything. I’m just one call away.”

“I know that but I always seem to bother you.” He says, a little ashamed to think so.

“You don’t. What makes you think that?” You frown at his words, wondering if he actually meant them. “You have no idea how much I look forward to our weekly meetings! It keeps me going during the week, I swear, ask Sunwoo he only hears about you.”

“Oh,” he responded, feeling delighted with your words.

“Yes Juyo, I miss you a lot.” You gasped shyly, suddenly very focused on your hot cup.

“I miss you even more.” He looks for your eyes with a hint of fondness that you don’t notice, even when you raise your head to tell him,

“So tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow,” he smiles, pleased to see you smile back with the same touch of affection.

When you think about it, you don’t understand how it is possible to break up with Lee Juyeon. You didn’t really know the girl he was dating, you never met her, you only saw her face in a picture once. But you do know your best friend, and he’s not the type to break someone’s heart. He would fight for the person he loves, even if it doesn’t work out. Juyeon is love personified. So how can you reject him?

Woo ☼ (3)

Sweetheart I miss you

When are you coming back home

I have a present for you

What kind of present?

Me ;)

OMW

Juyo <3 (1)

Thanks for today, I can’t wait for tomorrow. Pick you up at 10?

Will be pretty and ready!

Always pretty but ready? I’m looking forward to it

As soon as you read his message, your heart began to thump real loud and your cheeks immediately flushed red. Who are you and what have you done to Juyeon? When did he become so flirty? Or maybe he has always been like this and you never cared before. But why do you even care now? 

When you were 16, you remember vividly how he kissed your hand goodbye because he was a gentleman and you were a darling. Everyone at school made fun of you for being so old-fashioned, but little did they know that you liked it. Eventually, when you turned 17, he dropped the act and started kissing your forehead instead. It was a hundred per cent worse. Your cheeks turned pink every time you thought about it and people were calling you out for being highkey on PDA and asking you to spare the singles.

Maybe then he was always this flirty.

It didn’t matter much to you because it was puppy love. The first man you ever loved. Until Sunwoo came into the picture.

“How was your date sweetheart?” You laugh into the kiss he greets you with.

“Pretty good, I think I’m developing feelings, I don’t know, he’s just so sweet and- Ouch Sunwoo!” You yelped, surprised by his sudden, somewhat erotic gesture.

“What?” He giggles innocently.

“You didn’t have to pin me against the wall, did you?” You ask rhetorically, knowing full well what his answer will be.

“I did,” his sparkling eyes turn to onyx, his tongue runs over his lips and his gaze travels up and down your body as he answers.

“Yeah?” You whisper, aroused by his deep voice.

“Yes.”

His plump lips are all over yours in an instant, taking your breath away. To deepen the kiss and emphasise his need to be closer, he grabs your legs so you can wrap them around his waist and welcome him in. Your arms wrap around his neck as you yield, kissing him back with passion and love. He doesn’t let go until you’re both out of breath, and then he kisses you again and again like a madman. Eventually, you’re so lost in the pleasure of his kisses that when you feel him nipping at your neck, you push him away, panting.

“I understand that Juyeon is your best friend,” he says with a heavy voice. “But you can’t joke about dating another man.”

He doesn’t give you a chance to answer as he runs his tongue over your lips before kissing you lazily. You stick out your tongue, waiting for him to resume his kiss. He chuckles at your behaviour but kisses you nonetheless.

“Good girl hm, are you hungry?” He utters with lustful and honey dripping eyes.

“Let’s take this into the bedroom then.” At his promise to take you to heaven, you nod eagerly, excited to see what he has planned for you.

You don’t quite remember what happened after that, too lost in lust and love. You felt the kisses on your forehead and the caresses in your hair before he left the bed.

Suddenly, nothing. All you felt was emptiness.

You turn to check your phone when you yelp in pain because your back hurts. Your man was a beast last night.

Wait.

9:30am?

You hurriedly get out of bed, taking in your dishevelled appearance and the hickeys Sunwoo had the courtesy to leave on your body. You’re ashamed to go out like this, because you know that you have little to no time to cover them up.

More importantly, Juyeon will notice them. It’s not that you cared about exposing your sex life, you have a lot of fun with Sunwoo and he’s the greatest in and out of bed. But for Juyeon to see you in such a vulnerable way? It does something to you and you can’t figure out why.

You never talked about your sex life with Juyeon although you are best friends; you two are kind of secretive. Sure, there were times when you complained that your exes were terrible kissers or that dates were horrible. But when it comes to any form of intimacy, it was out of the books. You both never joked about kinks, never asked about turn-ons. Yet, you shared your very first kiss with Juyeon when you were 16.

It was a bit messy and hilarious because you had no idea what you were doing. You remember how when he dropped you off after school or after a playdate, he had this cute habit of kissing your hand goodbye. It was also at that age when you started going to parties – a party between friends, no alcohol, maybe just some cheap beer that tasted like grass. But that was fun and it was also the time when you were introduced to love, through couples and kisses.

Love has always been a foreign language to you. You know for a fact that love is what your parents share with each other, through physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts but also through struggles.

But you also know that the person you’re closest to doing those things is Juyeon. You both were always cuddling, fighting over movies or places to eat. You both would also cheer, support and reassure each other.

You both would always have each other on your minds, sending texts, calling or buying sweet things. It’s only fair that you thought you were in love with him, isn’t it?

And that faithful night, at your birthday party, he thought it would be a great idea to carry you and run around in circles until he lost his balance and fell with you laying on top of him. You didn’t know what was going through his mind, but you saw flames in his starry eyes, and then he pecked at your lips. He brushed it off by pulling you up and wishing you a happy birthday but your heart was racing and so was his.

“Sorry Ju, I woke up late, I didn’t want to keep you waiting,” you pout as you reached his car, pressing a kiss on his cheek.

“Thank god your prettiness makes up for lost time,” he jokingly hugs you, his hands laying a little low on your waist. “But you have to take responsibility for making me wait.”

“Juyeon! It’s been 5 minutes you can’t blame me for the delay!” You wriggle into his embrace and put your head in the crook of his neck, a little embarrassed but wanting to be close to him.

“I can, and that’s exactly what I’m doing,” he whistles, taking you out of his arms to observe the love bites on your fair skin. “Maybe you’d be on time if you hadn’t had so much fun last night.”

“Y-Yeah, I walked into a trap,” you stammered, speechless.

“The kind of trap you can’t refuse, I bet.”

And he opens the passenger door before giving you his hand to help you get in. You look at his hand and then straight into his eyes to understand where that confidence comes from, but he just smiles and nods.

“Come on, we have much to do before the carriage turns into a pumpkin.” He smiles and fights with the wind to tuck a wild strand of hair behind your ear.

Spending time with Juyeon is one of the things you adore the most in the world. You were so used to spending your days with him when you were teenagers that you almost forgot what it was like. The princess treatment, the cafe dates, the shopping and giving opinions on outfits, the restaurants. Now that you’re all grown up, reliving those moments feels a little bit odd but great. After all, you’re the same people who dance to the music in every corner shop and laugh at every silly move you make.

Going out with Juyeon is also all about treats and gifts. You have this implicit rule that when you’re out and about, you’re encouraged to pay in turns – be it at the restaurants, bars or for desserts. And of course, he pleases you more often than you please him, but you tend to buy more things related to him – matching items or clothes that reflect his style.

“Look at this cute bracelet! We should get it to celebrate our 10 years offriendship,” you beamed, slipping the bracelet around his wrist without a word of protest to see how it looks.

“But it’s paired with a promise ring?” He comments, in case you haven’t noticed and had a change of heart.

“Then we can get the ring in another 10 years,” you giggle and squeeze his hand to reassure him that this is what you want.

Happy with your little joke, you went to the cashier to buy the bracelets. But it sparked something within Juyeon’s heart. He may be slow to understand, but you don’t have to tell him twice. You consider him to be your significant other. That’s what a promise ring means.

After all, you wanted to commit yourself to him for the rest of your life. You’re his best friend and that should be normal. It is normal to stick by each other’s side. But why is his heart missing a beat?

If you ask Juyeon about his relationship with you, he would describe it as “enchanting”. You’re the most important thing to him. Ever since he bumped into you in 3rd grade, you two have been inseparable. But there’s something that’s always bothered him.

In the beginning, he thought it was because you were the only one that he was really close to. He didn’t look at you any differently. But every time you smiled, he felt a twist in his stomach. Then he made it his goal to make you blush and to kiss your hand. It was thrilling to see you all flustered by his own actions.

He grew up and unfortunately that feeling never went away. In the end, he thought that maybe it was just the hormones. A 16-year-old boy needs to get to know his body and its needs. That’s what he did. Eventually the feelings vanished, but the uncomfortable feeling stayed. Even when he was with his ex.

He’s well aware that you are in a relationship with Sunwoo and that the two of you are in love. He’s never been happier for you. After all the people who have taken advantage of you, you deserve someone positive. Someone who will be there for you and will make you feel loved and truly fall in love. Like Sunwoo.

And yet, he doesn’t know why he’s so attracted to you. He needs to explore his feelings. At least to understand them. Even if it costs him.

“How about a drink?” He asks as the sun is about to go down.

“No, you need to drive safely.” You flinched, clearly against the idea of losing him in such a stupid way.

“What about my place? You know I have this amazing balcony overlooking the sea.” He offers in return with a smirk.

“Deal,” you say with gleaming eyes.

You love Juyeon’s apartment; it has a soft and romantic atmosphere and it’s even more beautiful when the sun goes down. The many plants he has turn a warm orange with the colours of the sky and you swear, it’s so beautiful, like a haven of peace.

“Red or white?” He asks, holding the two bottles out for you.

“Anything’s fine, choose for me please Juyo,” you sing-song, happy to share this moment with him.

While you are setting up his balcony table with candles and wine glasses, he returns with a red bottle and appetisers. He gestures for you to sit on the bean bag and pour the wine like a real chef. You whistle, impressed by his newfound skill. Furthermore, it wouldn’t be Juyeon if he didn’t do a little dance to make you laugh before handing you your glass.

Now that he’s seated, you allow yourself to take in your surroundings. It’s quiet, but you can hear the faint music coming from the living room speakers. Juyeon has never liked the silence, so he always needs to have some kind of background music to feel comfortable. He says it calms him down, especially when he’s nervous, and you have to agree with that.

But does that mean that he was nervous right now?

He never needed music with you, as he always said your voice was his own melody – the harmony he couldn’t get enough of. 

“Thank you,” he whispers, pulling you out of your reverie.

You nod, knowing exactly what he means, and reach out to take his hand. He intertwines your fingers and, in the pink-orange hues of the sky you catch yourself blushing. You risk a glance to see him starring absent-mindedly into space and you seize the opportunity to stare him down.

His bangs, usually on his forehead are pushed back, giving him a more mature and sexy look. His eyes, in a beautiful crescent shape, shine with the intensity of the stars. His pretty nose sits up on his face, like a trophy ready to be claimed. And his lips. They’re curled into a gentle smile.

Without a care in the world, he runs his tongue over them and opens them as if he wanted to speak. But no sound comes out, except for the tongue he’s now biting. Suddenly, as if he was aware that you are looking at him, he turns to meet your gaze. Truth be told, you weren’t very discreet. His dark eyes hold yours, then move to your lips, and you see the faint beginnings of a smirk on his lips before he bursts into laughter. 

“Like what you see?” He points out, all smug.

That fucker.

You slapped him playfully before you realised you were biting your lips. Yet, he still looks at you as if you were the one who hung the stars in the sky and shone in their place.

All of a sudden, his eyes turn mischievous and you find yourself in his arms as he leads you into the living room. He turns up the music, grabs the camera, puts on a pair of framed glasses and starts dancing. You joined him, because there is no world in which you wouldn’t follow Juyeon. You dance like you’re in a club, grab the wine bottle and shout the lyrics at the top of your lungs. Juyeon films you through the mirror and you play along, you’re the model, he’s the artist. Until he puts the camera in a corner to film the both of you and starts to dance an old choreo that you both did. You smile broadly and the night goes by like this. In between drinking and dancing.

At some point, you find yourselves taking a stroll, jumping and dancing around poles. Oh, but you’re not drunk! Juyeon took out his camera and kept filming you, laughing. The man was hyping you up, the street was your runway! And even though it was a little embarrassing, you had a lot of fun. Trust Juyeon to make you feel the best!

Around midnight, you were eating ice cream in the nearest park when your phone screen lit up with a call.

Woo ☼.

Oh, no. You forgot to inform him you were going out with yesterday’s activities.

“Babyyyyy,” he whines, sounding tired, “where you aaaat.”

“At Juyeon’s, we-“ You’re cut off as Juyeon steals your phone, brushing against your hands a little too long.

“Sorry,” he hiccups, “is it all right if we keep each other company for the night? I can’t drive right now.” Juyeon tries to apologise but is cut short by Sunwoo.

“Had a fun night I see?”

You can feel his anger rising from the way his voice drops an octave. Sunwoo has always been jealous of Juyeon. When you got together, he was very insecure at first, knowing that you had a male best friend and seeing you spend so much time with him. It took some time, but the trust you’ve built up has overcome that awful feeling.

You still have to reassure him sometimes, and that’s okay because Juyeon is your best friend and Sunwoo is your boyfriend. You love them both in different ways. You talked about it with Juyeon and later he got jealous because you spent all your time with Sunwoo on your trip to comfort him. It wasn’t easy, but they learnt to trust you. Along the way, you may have convinced yourself that everything would be fine.

“Sunny, baby, I’m sorry I didn’t inform you. I will sleep at Juyeon’s and be back first thing in the morning before you wake up,” you say in a soft voice, trying to soothe him.

“I’m sorry too,” he voices out, letting out a breath lost in his own emotions, “I panicked when I didn’t see you at home. But I’m glad you’re all right.”

“I know,” you sighed, glancing at Juyeon, “I’m in good hands, I promise.”

“Hurry back, I miss my goodnight kiss already.” He replies, seemingly content with the current arrangement.

“Will be there in no time,” you giggled.

“I love you,” he answers, a smile blooming in his voice.

“I love you too.”

He hangs up just as he called, smiley, which makes you beam in return. However, when you turn to face Juyeon he’s anything but smiling. In his frowning eyes you decipher a sombre mood. Something in complete contrast to the joy you shared tonight. You reach out to grab his hand, but he pulls it back before you can do so.

“We should head back, it’s getting late.” He says firmly.

Your heart breaks at his words. Without giving him a chance, you cupped his face, forcing him to look at you. The hurt look in his eyes makes your heart swell. You scan him to see if he wants to answer, but he avoids you. You’re so close and yet so far away. You feel like throwing up, because your best friend never acted like this around you. He never once avoided you nor stopped talking to you. Thus, you did the only thing you can think of.

You hugged him, as tightly as you can.

You feel his heart pounding and wonder if it’s from the unknown emotions he’s carrying or from your physical touch. You put your hand on his broad chest to feel his heartbeat and plant a kiss on it to reassure him. It stirs something in Juyeon and he hugs you back so tightly you think you’ll lose your breath. He holds you in his arms for what seems like an eternity, your head nestled in the crook of his neck. But you don’t complain, you felt safe.

You stay there, in the warm embrace that contrasts with the cool of the night, squeezing him a little tighter when you hear passers-by whistling lovingly at you. When he lets go, you can see the faint pink colour that tints his cheeks, brought out by the street lights. But little did you know that you have the same colours on your face, if not stronger?

“You okay?” You ask as you rub small circles on his back.

“Yes I am,” he lies openly in a husky voice, “I’m okay.”

Juyeon is fucked. Completely screwed. He’s absolutely, unquestionably and sincerely in love with you.

He has been for quite some time, now that he thinks about it. But he never admitted it. That damned twist in his gut that never left his mind, he knows where it comes from now.

In order to cope with his newfound feelings he lets you use the bathroom first while he changes the sheets and tidies up the living room. He’s floating, not sure if he will ever get a wink of sleep. Especially if you both sleep in the same bed. Because to you, he’s just your best friend, the one you’ve slept with countless times. No strings attached.

He can’t imagine you in his arms, nor can he look forward to waking up by your side. You’re not his.

“Juyo?” Your tired voice echoes from the corridor. “C-Can I get some clothes?”

Oh. That doesn’t mean anything. You have always shared clothes. Then why was he so excited to see you in them? Right, because he’s madly in love with you and knows you will look ravishing in his big shirt. Also because sharing clothes is such an intimate thing couples do. If he lends you his current pyjamas because they have his scent on them, you couldn’t blame him. He’s just a man.

“Are you coming?” You inquire, walking towards him.

It’s worse than anything he’d ever imagined. The shirt is definitely too big for you going down one shoulder, showing the beginning of your chest and reaching halfway up your thighs. What’s more, your pretty thighs are covered by the shorts that rises up when you sit next to him. He looks away, embarrassed to be staring at you.

“I will sleep on the couch, don’t worry about me.”

“No way,” you retorted with little energy left, “your bed is big enough for both of us.”

He’s been acting strange today. First he was feeling all overconfident, then flirtatious, followed by anger, and now shyness and embarrassment. You take a piece of the blanket lying on his lap and you stretch your legs out on the sofa, letting your head fall on his shoulder. Sleep can wait, Juyeon can’t.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Don’t lie to me.” You ask, breathing softly into his ear.

“No,” he shudders, with a faraway look in his eyes, “I’m not okay and I don’t know how to get through this.”

“What’s wrong Juyo? Do you want to talk about it?” You pause to gauge his reaction. “Is it about your ex?”

“More or less,” he breathes out. “The breakup wasn’t that bad, like I said, it was a mutual decision. It’s just- when you started dating Sunwoo I was so happy for you, happy that you found someone who was worthy of your love and loved you the right way. And I thought I would be happy if I found that special someone, I longed for it. But I ended up in different relationships throughout the year, never lasting more than two months. And that’s ok, maybe they weren’t the right person for me, maybe it wasn’t the right time, maybe this, maybe that. I really thought I was going to be happy and I ended up getting my heart broken every time. As much as I believe now that I don’t deserve to be loved. I think I went into my last relationship in that state of mind, and I think she felt it too. Hard not to, is it? We had long talks and great times together; I think I really liked her. And I know she liked me back, I’m just not ready to be in an exclusive relationship right now.”

And everything he said is true, he’s more than happy for you and he thought he would be happy. But he can’t be happy in a relationship that isn’t with you.

“There’s also something I’ve never told you,” he continues, sniggering at the absurdity of his reasoning. “Something I should have told you a long time ago, it doesn’t make me proud, and it sort of reflects why my love life was so messed up. I can’t say it’s the only reason, but it played a big part in my mental health.”

You want to cry so badly, he has endured it all alone and it must have weighed heavily on him. At this point, you’re just waiting to speak and respond but every word that comes out of his beautiful mouth leaves you speechless. You’re such a bad friend that you’ve never noticed the way his eyes get dark and gloomy, or how he cancels your plans at the last minute because he’s got something else planned. When in fact it was sadness overload. Sure everyone has their own coping mechanisms, you wish you could have been there for him, but here you were Juyeon letting you in and you’re here to stay.

“It’s been two months since I was diagnosed with burnout and stopped working. It started off as something mild when I came home more exhausted than usual. I thought I wasn’t getting enough sleep but then I started to feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. It was hard to concentrate on my daily tasks and you know how much I love my job? I felt like I was going to die because I couldn’t even have fun doing what I love. Going out with you, my friends or my ex felt great, but I wasn’t as invested as I used to be.” He pauses to catch his breath and swallow back the tears.

“Don’t get me wrong, today was absolutely perfect and I was hyped, I still am. Today felt like going back to when we were sixteen and I loved it. I’m actually starting to feel better. The break up helped a lot because it was taking a toll on my mental health. I know I said I liked her and I did, but I couldn’t help but feel unwanted. Even when she was riding me,” he chuckles, trying to lighten the mood.

“And it hurts that I didn’t have the guts to talk to you about it because I was afraid of how you would react. Like, hello, I’m taking a break from work because I feel like shit? And I would really like to get your approval so that I can move on. Because you mean everything to me,” he ends shyly.

“Juyeon,” you say in a soft and caring voice, “you mean the world to me too.”

You continued. “You mean the whole world to me and I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I could come up with something, but it wouldn’t make up for what you’ve been through. You are strong, stronger than anyone. It’s so hard to keep your head above water that I’m proud of you for speaking up and even stopping work. Because focusing on your health is the most important thing. Situation and money may go but I will always stay. I’m so proud of you, proud of who you are and who you’re becoming. You’ll never stop growing and I’ll be there every step of the way, watching you blossom and be happy.”

“And I know you feel like you’ll never be happy,” you resumed, holding his hand. “The only thing I can say is, as hard as it seems, everything you live makes you stronger. Even more beautiful. There’s someone in this world waiting patiently for you, to love you properly, to make you feel loved and wanted. You’re an exceptional person, Juyeon. By that I mean you go above and beyond the call of duty, you give your total support and care, you show up when something’s wrong and I bet you’re an even more protective lover. We did everything together, cried, laughed, smiled, loved. My youth was filled with you and I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t happy because you were and are always by my side.”

“Today was the best time I’ve had in weeks, and that’s because I am with you. We danced, a lot. And you know how dancing has always been our escape,” you paused as you saw the first hint of a smile creep across his face as you continued. “I saw your smile, it was genuine and you were so beautiful. It may have been hard, you’ve been hard on yourself, but today the man I saw was happy. I’m happy because you’re happy, and I’m sad when you’re sad. We are one Juyeon, and I want you to know that I’m here for you, always.”

Long before you have finished speaking, he has taken you in his arms. His embrace is not heavy, but you can feel the weight on his shoulders lighten. You have so many feelings for him, they all blend together and you don’t seem to feel the butterflies in your stomach or the fire he has lit in your heart.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he confesses.

“And what would I be without you?”

Your head rests on his chest and he’s suddenly afraid you can hear his heart beating. You’re so beautiful, your tired eyes fighting sleep and your lashes fluttering. His shirt slipped off your shoulder as he held you in his arms and the permanent smile on your face makes him completely weak. He could kiss you right now. If only you were single.

“Let’s go to sleep, hm?” He caresses your face, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Together?” You cracked yet another smile.

“Together,” he grins from ear to ear.

Your arms find their way around his neck and you bend your head to make an implicit request. His hands go around your waist and below your knees before he stands up and carries you bridal style. You both laugh at the absurdity of the situation, but also blushed at the romantic gesture. He sets you down on (what his brain calls) your side of the bed and plants a kiss on your forehead.

He then goes through his nightly routine before coming back to you, wrapped in the covers, fast asleep. His heart is about to explode. Now that he is aware of his feelings, he is overwhelmed by the love he has been repressing. He slides in next to you and holds back from embracing you. And if you happen to get close and make your way into his arms, he’ll be delighted to hold you tight.

“Sleep well Starlight, I love you,” he mumbles, kissing your hair.

“I love you more Juyo.”

Waking up the next morning wasn’t as awkward as Juyeon might have thought after the pseudo-confession you heard. He woke up first when he felt you shift in his arms. Because yes, you ended up in his arms, face against his torso. He tried not to make a big deal out of it, calming his breathing and enjoying the warmth of your body. Absentmindedly, his hand caresses your tangled hair, smoothing it and slowly waking you from your slumber.

“Good morning Starlight,” he says, honey dripping from his hoarse voice. “Slept well?”

“Like a baby, you?” You yawned, looking up from his chest.

“Even better than a baby.” He doesn’t want to let you go, once you’re out of his bedroom he’ll have to go back to his little miserable life without your starlight to light it up.

“Shall we take you home? Your boyfriend might get impatient,” he laughs, remembering the events of the previous night.

“Well, he’ll have to wait until I’m full from breakfast! I know someone who makes pancakes to die for,” you winked as you get out of his clothes and disappear into the bathroom.

You know you said you’d be back before he wakes up, and you want to. You miss him. But being in Juyeon’s arms, feeling the regular beat of his heart, makes you feel at home. You don’t want to end what you both have now.

You eat breakfast in relatively silence, except when Juyeon tries to flip the pancakes in the frying pan only to have one stick to the wall. And you watch him adoringly from where you sit, trying to make up for his silliness.

In the end, you leave his apartment in no time at all, dreading your return to your own home. Even though you know that Sunwoo is patiently waiting for you. The last two days you spent with Juyeon were out of time, it was an enchanted interlude and the return to real life suddenly seems very difficult.

He drops you off in front of the building, not without kissing you on the cheek and saying goodbye for the last time. You try not to think of it as a date night as you head for the front door but he’s quick to say “We’re not done yet, you’ll see me more often now” he chimed as he watches you smile and gets in.

The smile doesn’t leave your face until you turn the key in the lock and come face to face with Sunwoo, smiling from head to toe. He takes you in his arms and spins you around before planting kisses all over your face.

“Sunny,” you giggled, “please.”

“But I missed you,” you press a kiss to his lips as he answers, and you feel him smile through it.

“I’m sorry I overreacted, you know I get scared easily, but I shouldn’t take it out on you when you haven’t done anything,” he apologised, bowing his head.

“No, it’s my fault too,” you shake your head. “We had a crazy night and when I woke up you were gone. I was also late and didn’t want to keep him waiting.”

“You know that I’m jealous of Juyeon, right? He might be your best friend, but he might see you as more than that. You can’t say you didn’t want him to wait, because what, you’re willing to make me wait like yesterday but not him? It’s unfair, because you always end up prioritising him.” He bellows, frustrated.

“Sunwoo please,” you begged. “Sunwoo, listen to me, please.” He takes a step back, feeling his anger rising.

“To say what? That you needed to be with him? That he needs you? Bullshit, look me in the eye and tell me he doesn’t have feelings for you!” He shouts in a pissed off rage.

He goes back into the living room and you follow him to see him pacing back and forth. You can tell he’s furious. He always gets angry when you mention Juyeon and it pisses you off. You can’t even spend a day with your best friend because he gets jealous? You’ve been together long enough to think he’s finally understood that he’s the one you love. But as displeased as you are, you’ll never stop telling him and reminding him that you love him. Because couples fight, because he’s insecure and because you care.

“You might as well develop feelings for him!” He spits vociferously.

“He broke up with his girlfriend and lost his job,” you drop, tired of this pointless battle. “So yes, he needed me. And yes, I needed to be with him. I feel like an absolutely shitty friend because I’ve been sitting in his company for weeks and I didn’t even notice that his heart was being broken to pieces. You can shout at me as much as you want Sunwoo, but you’re the one I love. Juyeon may need me again in the future and I’ll be there for him, but at the end of the day I love you and only you.”

“You’re lying. T-There’s no way he…“ He tries to take your hand but you step back, annoyed.

“Have I ever lie to you, Sunwoo?”

The sheepish and upset look on his face is enough to tell you that he’s blaming himself. So you lead him over to the sofa and tell him everything, from the break-up to his exhaustion, which means burnout, but leave out the private details. It’s a lot to take in, and you wonder if he’ll ever believe you. Why would you lie about something so important?

You love Sunwoo, you really do. But you can’t help but be a little irritated by his behaviour. You feel terrible for even thinking and feeling this way, but Juyeon is your best friend! What was wrong with that? What doesn’t he understand about the word “best friend”? You sighed as you take him in your arms and stroke his back, both to calm him down and to ease your own mind. You hold each other for a while, for as long as your hearts desire, but your minds wander to Juyeon. You miss him and you wonder what he’s up to, when you’ll see each other again. Another sigh escapes your lips and Sunwoo looks at you questioningly.

“Movie?” You ask, trying to divert your attention from Juyeon.

“It’s 11,” he chuckles, finally at peace.

“Yeah, so? We can order pizzas and spend the day at home?” You kiss his hand with doe eyes.

“Sounds like a fabulous idea,” he quickly grabs his phone to place an order, “same as usual?”

“I’m feeling adventurous today, so pick whatever you like!”

You hear your own phone buzzing as he focuses on the app again. And obviously it’s the boy of all the arguments, the one who’s been on your mind since you got home and who seems to be distracting you a lot.

Juyo <3 (1)

I miss ya, whatcha doing?

Thinking about u

That ain’t possible

Whyyyy

Because I’m thinking about you

“Who are you talking to with that smiley face?” Sunwoo asks, tilting his head.

“Changmin, he’s talking about the person he met and he seems so in love.”

It's a half-hearted lie, because Changmin told you about the person he recently met, but also because if you say Juyeon's name right now, civil war will break out.

Juyo <3

Oh yeah, prove it?

Seconds later, your phone rings with an incoming call from Juyeon.

Juyo <3

JUYEON YOU CAN’T DO THIS

YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME

Aw pretty’s scared by a sudden phone call?

Actually��

You take a second to answer, pondering if it’s a good idea to tell him about your couple’s conflict. Especially when he’s the one causing it.

Juyo <3 (1)

Am I disturbing you?

You always turn my world upside down

Same goes for you Starlight ;)

So?

I had a fight with Sunwoo

Nothing bad, we already made up

But it’s becoming a recurring thing, and I hate it

Have you talked about it?

That it’s getting hard for you?

Yes and no

We always talk about it, set limits and make up but weeks later it’s as if the conversation never happened

As much as I love him I’m tired Ju

No, you don’t have the right to say you’re tired, because that would mean you’re ready to give up on your relationship for a few fights?

I’m afraid that’s not a valid reason

And I know you’re not the type to give up on someone you love

So take matters into your own hands, spend the day with him and make out ffs

Yeah, haha, you’re right

We’ll eat pizzas and watch a film, that’ll definitely help

And I’ll see if he’s nice enough to make out with him

I can be good for you instead ;)

Yah! You’re losing points Lee Juyeon!

I’m only aiming for the 10s sorry!

Right in the bull’s eye

Which is my heart yes

GTG JUYO

TTYL I LOVE YOU

<3

And I love you more <3

You saw his message through the notification, which you cowardly rejected, but that didn’t stop you from smiling. The conversation had to end quickly, as you were venturing into uncharted territory that doesn't leave you impassive. Besides, Sunwoo was getting suspicious of your big smile.

And he’s right, because what the hell was that? You’re such a coward whose heart beats a hundred miles an hour. He’s definitely winning points, but you’ll never admit it, and to what end? Your heart doesn’t know yet.

On the contrary, Juyeon’s heart beats wildly at your bravery. He doesn’t want to flirt despite his growing feelings, but you leave the door open too wide for him not to come in.

You’re still his best friend, so if you ever need advice or a listening ear, he’ll be there. Like that horrible joke about making out, he hated it. But he knew that it would make you laugh and feel better, because he knows you better than anyone else.

So why can’t he read your feelings? You're not usually so cryptic for no reason, he's sure of that. Yet the changes in your heart can be seen gradually: your sweet words, as well as the ambiguous ones, all carry a special and deep meaning. You’re a book Juyeon is dying to read, but you’re not descriptive enough for him to decipher just yet.

Sunwoo used to read you easily, but he’s not sure of anything anymore. He knows that you love him, that your love language consists of words of affirmation and that you never stop reminding him of it. And yet his insecurities always get the best of him and you end up fighting. The truth is, he’s afraid. You’ve always spent a lot of time with Juyeon and that’s fair, you’ve known each other for almost ten years. But shouldn’t you make up for that time with your one-year boyfriend?

He knows he can’t restrict you or your outings, that would be a dick move and he’s not a dick. You have lots of boy friends and he’s okay with that, but Juyeon? Juyeon annoys him. He seems too perfect to be true:  his looks, his gentle and romantic nature. He’s in a one-sided competition because Juyeon couldn’t care less. Or so he thought until now.

Halfway through the film, you're cuddled up in his arms, laughing, when his phone vibrates. Why on earth is Juyeon texting him?

Juyeon (1)

I just wanted to apologise for yesterday. This is not a valid reason, but I wanted to keep my best friend to myself for a while. I’m sorry if that hurt you.

Apology accepted. We’re adults and you’re defo not the one to blame but I appreciate it.

Thanks man

It cost Juyeon a lot to send that message. But in his place, he would have been furious if the situation had happened to him. So he toned it down, to ease the tension and make you feel better. But he’d do it again any time; anything to spend time with you.

And that’s exactly what happened in the weeks that followed.

You spent the whole week with Sunwoo after your meeting with Juyeon, going with him to his band rehearsals, shopping for clothes, accessories or window shopping, going on dates to the cinema, the park and restaurants. You did everything with him.

But that didn’t stop you from texting Juyeon every day. Sometimes he was the one who initiated the conversation, and other times you had to spam him to ask his opinion on the latest clothes you bought or because you missed him. Your weekly outings have also become two or three times a week, and you often meet up on his balcony for a night of dancing and drinks.

Everything is done with respect for your relationship, but you feel his hands on you longer than necessary, always within limits and sometimes in places that make you blush. For an example, he would place them on your hips, and you would be a fool to say that his little touches did not make your heart flutter. When he opens the door for you, when he orders for you without asking and never makes a mistake, or even when he gives you presents that you’ve looked at with envy. He’s so observant and attentive that causes butterflies in your stomach. The more time you spend with him, the more you can’t deny the attraction you feel.

He makes you feel like you are 16 again.

He kisses your forehead, cheek or hand when he drops you off. He holds your hand so you don’t get lost in the crowd. Even if it’s just an excuse, you let him because deep down you want him to.

And you hated yourself for it. You feel so guilty about Sunwoo. Yes, Juyeon may be a little more enterprising than usual, but he hasn’t changed his ways. You’re the one who reacts to harmless words and lazy touches. But your heart hasn’t changed. You love Sunwoo. Those feelings for Juyeon aren’t real. It is an attraction that arises because you spend all your time together, because he’s handsome and cares for you.

You’re not… in love with him.

Isn’t that right?

“Sweetheart, I bought fried chicken on the way home!” Sunwoo says one day after his rehearsal.

“Oh Sunny, you don’t know how much I’ve been craving it,” you clap, looking forward to devouring it. “Thank you.”

“Can I get a hug for being the most awesome boyfriend ever?” He asks sweetly.

“Oh you do,” you giggle, jumping into his arms.

“I love you,” he kisses your nose.

“Me too,” you reply, tiptoeing to kiss his forehead.

“Sunnyyyy,” you call out his name on a Friday afternoon. “Can I go out for the night with Kev, Minnie, Chani and Ju?”

“Sure! Don’t come back too late hm? And be careful.”

“Yes! I’ve got the four horsemen of the apocalypse to look after me and myself!” You laughed.

“Have fun Sweetheart, I love you,” he whispers, kissing your forehead.

“Me toooo Sunny,” you smiled.

And yet, as he does his best to be there for you, to shower you with love and care, you notice that your interactions are gradually diminishing. He’s not the problem but you are. Just like yesterday, you’ve been exchanging messages and at the end of all your conversations you have this cute habit of saying I love you. Except this time, you haven’t replied. You liked his message and replied with a heart.

But that’s not the only case, because you catch yourself not saying “I love you” back when you talk to him. Yet you’re still physically and intimately close. It’s as if you’re giving yourself to him in order to compensate for the emotional changes that you’re going through. And then what? You won’t even be able to kiss him? Hold his hand? Be intimate? You felt terrible, and this has been going on for months.

Perhaps the best (or worst) thing to do is to talk to him about it.

“Sunny? Can we talk?” You say out of the blue one morning.

“Yes baby, tell me?” He replies as he comes out of the bathroom, shirtless.

“Get dressed first,” you giggle.

“Why, don’t you like what you see?” He pouts, crossing his arms to emphasise his torso and you look away, ashamed to be turned on when you’re about to break his heart.

“Oh I do, but you’re distracting me from the point!”

“Sorry, sorry,” he laughs as he pulls on a t-shirt, “is it better now?”

“Yes, thank you,” you sigh.

“Are you okay?” He asks suddenly, sensing your discomfort. “You know you can tell me anything, I’m here for you.”

“Sunwoo, I-“ you take his hand in yours for support. “You need to know that I love you, it has never changed and it will never change, the feelings I have for you are very much real and I cherish them as much as I cherish you.”

“You’re not breaking up, are you? Because I won’t let you.” His eyes are shining now and you want to go back in time. You want to erase everything that has happened in the last two and a half months, the growing romantic feelings and the hurt.

“Sunwoo, I’m not breaking up with you, you’re the person I care about the most in the world, I would never let you down. And I hate myself for what I’m about to say.” You take a deep breath and as you do you know he’s figured it out and tears start to roll down his sweet face.

“I- fell in love with Juyeon,” you drop your head in shame.

You don't have the courage to look up and see the disappointment on his face, but you force yourself to. And when you finally did, his reaction catches you by surprise. It was obviously pain and sorrow, but also resilience?

“May I ask, how?” His voice is low, almost a murmur, but his eyes search yours for the truth.

“I- don’t know, it just happened.”

“Come on, you don’t just fall in love with another man by accident,” he laughs sarcastically.

“And yet I did!” You raise your voice in annoyance. “I didn’t choose it Sunwoo. And I would go back in time if I could!”

He takes a minute to consider your words, to decide whether or not you’re telling the truth. You didn’t expect this conversation to be easy, but he doesn’t make it any easier for you. You expected him to be in denial, to yell at you and cry. Instead he went straight towards the acceptance stage and he had this heartless look on his face. You knew you deserved it because he’s right; you don’t fall in love with another man by chance.

“Does he know? That you-“ he struggles to find the words, but you let him, because it has been hard for you too. You’re in love with your best friend, and you’ve probably been in love with him since you were 16. “That you love him?”

“No, oh god no!” You panic, finally thinking of the consequences, “I wanted to tell you first because I love you and I owe you the truth.”

“But you intend to tell him?” He worries and suddenly you feel like you’re talking to your best friend, the same conversation you had before you started dating Sunwoo.

“No Sunwoo, it was never a question of telling him or not. Yes, I love Juyeon romantically, but you’re my boyfriend. And I’m not trying to fool myself by saying that I still love you, I love you. And I love Juyeon too, but I’m not going to do anything with it.”

“You’re silly,” he chuckles affectionately. “Within the two months since our fight, I’ve watched you for a long time baby. I observed your body movements, your facial expressions and your words, hoping that it was all temporary and that we’d come out of it stronger together. But all I saw was love, but towards someone else. You came home giddy, eyes full of stars. Sometimes even in a frenzy of exaltation from which I found it hard to pull you out, because knowing that you were happy made me happy. So I won’t say that I knew it, but I sensed it. And I know that you love me, I have never doubted it and I don’t doubt it now. But you love him silly. Perhaps even more than you love me. I’m not mad at you, I saw you falling for him, I just ignored the signs. And I know you didn’t choose it, nor did you want to break my heart. Your love for him is stronger and I can hear it. Thank you for telling me, it must have cost you a lot.”

You start to cry, because what else can you do but cry? You love him and it hurts you to hear him say that you love someone stronger. But he’s right. No matter how much you try to deny it, you love Juyeon unconditionally.

“Why,” you cry out.

“Why what baby,” he takes you in his arms, guiding your head in the crook of his neck and your tears start to soak his t-shirt.

“I’m pretty sure I broke your heart and stomped on it, so why aren’t you mad at me? Why are you taking it so well? I don’t understand. I feel like shit and you’re too perfect?”

“You have no idea of the pain, anger and emptiness I feel right now, I’m far from perfect,” his voice falters as he tries to hold back his tears, “but I can’t take it out on you, even though you deserve it, because you didn’t want it? Also because I didn’t speak when I realised you were drifting away. I know you blame yourself, and yes, I am heartbroken, I can’t wait to cry but I don’t want to make you sadder than you already are.”

“I don’t deserve you Sunny, I’m sorry, I love you to the moon and back,” you smile shyly.

“And I love you just as much, thank you for the love that doesn’t make me feel lonely,” he smiles back as he rubs your back in slow motions. “Can I kiss you? One last time?”

“Thought you’d never ask.”

When his lips touch yours, it has never felt better. The kiss is a little salty because you have both been crying, but also sweet. It is your last kiss and you devour each other’s lips as if it were the first, not wanting to part. You quickly run out of air, but he presses his lips to yours to convey his feelings one last time and you smile, knowingly, as you kiss him back.

“You should go to him,” he says, lips swollen and eyes puffy.

“Yes, to be with my best friend. And you should call Eric for the same reason,” you sobbed, and he giggles.

“Coward,” he laughs, “but I will.”

“And Sunwoo,” you start again. “I would never do anything without your approval.”

“Thank you,” he replies, touched and aware of the feelings you will always have for him. “For everything, but especially for being with me.”

“I should be the one thanking you, my lifesaver,” you kissed his cheek as you take his hand in yours. “Let’s remain good friends, in the future.”

“Absolutely, if I ever get over you,” he laughs in a reassuring way.

You know that the joke is just his way of breaking the tension, so you laugh it off, saying that he should, and you imitated a knife at your throat as a warning, which makes him laugh heartily. Then, your heart sinks at the sound of you no longer being the recipient. Yes you fell in love with someone else, and it will be just as hard to get over him. But you have Juyeon, and he’s your rock.

Juyo <3

Juyo can I come over?

Sure, is something wrong?

These three words are enough to turn your heart upside down. He’s always been thoughtful, and now that you’ve accepted your feelings, you feel butterflies swirling in your tummy.

Juyo <3

Sunwoo and I broke up

I’ll pick you up in 5

Yes pls, drive safely

He pulls up in the parking lot exactly 5 minutes after his message, just like he said. You rush down the stairs, too eager to melt into his arms to wait for the lift. He doesn’t have time to get out of the car before you throw yourself on him, crying. Tears of separation and heartbreak, and tears of joy when you see him again because you know you love him.

“I’m here,” he whispers in a panicked voice, probably not expecting you so soon and in such a state. “I’m right here, let it out.”

And you do, the feelings you’ve been burying for 2 months are just waiting to be expressed. You cry until your body aches from lack of air and your eyes are dry. Finally, you shiver and regret having gone out so quickly without covering up. But Juyeon is just as quick to pull the jacket he was wearing over your shoulders and you hum happily as his scent washes over you.

“Let’s go home?” He caresses your hair tenderly.

You’re amazed that he doesn’t ask any questions, he just stands by you and supports you through this difficult ordeal that he knows only too well. And the truth is, he’s even sad for you. No matter how much he loves you, you’re the definition of love to him. For you to break up with Sunwoo, for whatever reason, doesn’t make any sense. It’s not his place to ask if you don’t tell him first, so he just holds your hand on the way back, and when he has to let go to change gear, he makes sure he puts it back on your thigh.

This makes you blush like a tomato, how dare he put his big hand on your thigh, almost completely covering it whole. You’re pretty sure your feelings are written all over your face, but he mistakes your blushing for embarrassment, when in fact it’s just romantic stimulation. You look up to see if his hand placement has any effect on him, only to find that he is blushing as well. Being as dense as he is, you mistook his shyness for embarrassment.

You two definitely make quite the pair.

“Make yourself at home Starlight,” he says as he opens the front door, never stopping to hold your hand.

You step inside as he tells you to and try to take off your shoes, planning to curl up on the sofa under the blanket while you wait for him and his hugs. But he had other ideas as he grabs your wrist to pull you closer, pinning you between him and the newly closed front door. Your surprise translates into a gasp that becomes a choke as he drops to one knee. Your heart pounds in your chest at the way he looks at you, worshipping you. Without warning, he bends down to untie your shoelaces, still smiling and even a little mischievous.

“What?” He smiles proudly. “Can’t I look after my Starlight?”

You open your mouth to speak but no sound comes out, too surprised by his playful tone.

“Cat got your tongue?” He sticks out his tongue as he stands up.

“Yes, you got it!” You slap him gently as a reward for nervousness.

“Not in my mouth though…” He whispers so quietly you almost don’t hear it, and that earns him another slap, only he steps back to avoid your blow and you stumble and fall on top of him.

“I guess it will be easier to carry you now,” he chuckles, kissing your forehead.

He puts his arms under your knees and around your waist and you squeal as he lifts you up, bridal style. This man will be the death of you. Oh, how you would kiss him if you weren’t so heartbroken and hadn’t just broken up. And he would kiss you just as much. You’re both madly in love and it shows.

He wraps you in a blanket as he lays you down on the sofa before kissing your forehead for the umpteenth time. Then he goes into the kitchen and fetches your favourite foods, drinks and desserts, which he sets out on the coffee table. You were surprised by the homemade dishes, as if he’d made them with a special purpose in mind. But he doesn’t say a word or make a comment, he just slips under your blanket when he’s done and hugs you, breathing in your scent.

You stay in each other’s arms for a while, not saying a word, just enjoying your hearts beating in unison. It feels heavenly, relaxing and you can almost feel yourself coming back to life. If Sunwoo was your lifesaver, Juyeon is your guardian angel. He is always looking out for you and giving you his utmost special care, just like right now, for no particular reason (even if there is one now).

He doesn’t pry, he just waits for you to speak while he grabs the remote to put on the latest show you’ve started together and feeds you. You’re quite grateful for the little comments he makes during the show, distracting you from the truth: the burning love you have for him that consumes you. In the end, you tell him that you still love Sunwoo, but that your recent incessant arguments have taken their toll on you.

That, against all odds, you’ve spilt up properly. And that it will be a while before you move on, but that the door is not closed. You made sure to emphasise this part, because what if there’s a small chance that Sunwoo was right and Juyeon is a fool in love with you? You’re not ready yet, but when the time comes, you want to confess your love to him and live out the childhood romance you’ve always dreamed of, until death do you part.

The next few of weeks passed in a blur, and you have basically settled into Juyeon’s apartment – going back and forth to your house to pick up your things and put them in his closets. Your shoes sits nicely in the new shoe rack he bought for you to go out together, and your toothbrush sits proudly next to Juyeon’s. You even have matching ones. Oh, and Juyeon can finally happily say that you’ve got your side of the bed, with your cute belongings on the bedside table and a picture of the two of you at 16 in a frame.

In fact, you slowly become a domestic couple-like going grocery shopping together and going on so-called dates. Life with Juyeon is easy. Whether you go out at dawn or dusk, he’s always with you, matching your pace and holding your hand from the streetlights to the dancing starlight. When you saw your hands touching and your steps overlapping, it reminds you of your first encounter and the fluttering of your heart. How you shyly looked at him, only to see him already looking at you lovingly, red on his cheeks. That cold winter you spent together was actually the warmest moment of Juyeon’s life, and that day might have been the day you hid a present for each other in your sleeve.

Even more slowly, your relationship with Juyeon develops as the months go by. It was hard not for it to blossom, considering the fact that you live together and that you absolutely do everything together, but it’s happening. Juyeon has started to walk around bare chest when he gets out of the shower and sometimes! He even goes to bed naked, with just his pyjama pants hanging low on his hips.

Of course, you get to snuggle up against his warm chest and cuddle to sleep. When it comes to sleeping, you don’t even try to fall asleep on your own side of the bed anymore because you always wake up in each other’s arms. You have definitely grown closer and closer in just a few months.

Your touches with one another have become more sensual and romantic and your words more flirtatious. You wear his clothes more often than usual, sometimes getting out of bed in just his t-shirt and underwear, awakening certain feelings within him. From time to time, he dares to put his hands under your (his) t-shirt and kiss your forehead tenderly, for lack of being able to kiss your lips sensually and make you his, right when you wake up.

“All pretty for me hm?” He said the first time you went to sleep in this garment. “You know I’m just a man.”

And if you sat on his hips to cuddle him afterwards, maybe the message got through. Maybe a little too much, given that a few minutes later he pretended to be in a hurry and the water ran for a long time. He’s just a man.

Yes, your man.

Another time, when you were out shopping at the mall, people addressed you as a couple and you didn’t mind, oh no. Perhaps it was the smiley eye contact you made, or the way he held you in his arms and you leaned into him, almost as if you were going to kiss, that gave it away. At least, that’s what gave Sunwoo, who was watching you nearby, the courage to send you a message.

Woo ☼ (1)

Hi, hello! I saw you at the mall with Juyeon, can we talk? I’m with Changmin, we can ditch them together?

Hi Sunny!!! Sure we can, the cafe nearby?

Juyeon was a little reluctant to leave you alone with Sunwoo due to the countless nights you spent crying and the difficulty you had opening up (not to mention your blossoming love for Juyeon) but he quickly gave up because he knew you wanted it and he was happy to spend time with Changmin. Juyeon is the love of your life and you can’t pretend that he isn’t anymore.

“Hi Sweetheart, I saw you left your shopping bags with your man,” he laughs and you kick him under the table so as not to draw attention to yourself.

“Stop that Kim Sunwoo!” You whine.

“Stop what? Calling you sweetheart or calling him your man?”

“Both!” You laugh embarrassed and shy.

“How are you?” He changes the subject after one last laugh and you’re happy to see that he hasn’t changed, he’s still as playful and lively as ever.

“I’m fine, nothing has really changed since our last messages. I told you I got my dream job, so Juyeon and I are treating ourselves with my first salary. Oh, and Juyeon has also found a new job he’s really enjoying. Hence, the reason why we’re out shopping.” You went on to rave about your everyday life, happy to share this new chapter with him, whom you still love very much, just not romantically anymore.

“You must love him a lot,” he says softly, almost as if he were muttering to himself. “It’s cute, you’re cute, I’m happy for you.” And you don’t answer, curious to hear what he’s going to say next.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot over the past six months,” he begins. “Thank you for always reaching out to me and not ghosting me despite the break-up, it meant a lot to me. Being away from you has been hard. I will not lie. But it also taught me that I was too dependent on you and it felt great to spend time by myself and with our friends. I got news from them and saw that you were doing well, as anyone going through a break-up would be. And it made me realise that, if you were fine, I should be fine, even if it was just a facade, that somehow the sadness would pass.”

You nod to let him know you’re listening and that you’re on the same wavelength as him.

“And it did,” he whispers almost happily, as if the weight he was carrying close to his heart has been lifted. “I thought I would love you for the rest of my life, but then I met someone.” You gasp at his words and tear up a little.

“It came as a blessing, without me even looking for it, and I can say that I’m happy now. So when I saw you so happy on Juyeon’s arm, looking at him lovingly like he hung the stars in the sky I thought: “Ah, you’re really on cloud nine with him”. I shouldn’t hold you back from your happiness. You have my blessing, not that you need it but date him, kiss him, make love and live happily ever after.” To emphasise his words, he squeezes your hand which he has started to hold somewhere in his monologue, and kisses it.

You swear you didn’t want to cry, and Juyeon will probably be worried to see your swollen eyes, but how can you remain impassive in the face of so much love? It’s true, you held back and would have kissed Juyeon if it wasn’t for Sunwoo. But now you’ll both be happy.

You chatted for quite a while, enjoying your reunion as friends, learning more about the person he had met and ranting about your life with Juyeon, when he appeared before you with Changmin, impatient to get you back. You missed him. How did you manage to live without Juyeon so far? Ecstatic, you jump into his arms and bid your goodbyes promising to meet again soon. As you walk away, Juyeon’s phone beeps and he just shrugs at the message in his inbox with a smile. Then he ruffles your hair, earning a pout from you that he kisses away at the corner of your lips. You wonder what the message was, but the kiss is definitely more important.

Sunwoo (1)

I’ve seen the way you look at each other, it’s full of love. Give it a shot!

Yes, there will be many more kisses now.

And here you are today, on Juyeon’s couch, enjoying your home date for the tenth anniversary of your friendship, with Sunwoo’s blessing in the back of your mind. You spent the day cooking together, sweet and savoury, having fun with the shapes of the cakes and pizzas (hearts and dicks like the children you are), playing games, dancing and listening to music in a good-natured atmosphere.

Today’s a day to celebrate your friendship. Yes friendship, when all you want to do is kiss him senseless. Maybe confessing today is not such a bad idea. Especially when you see him coming out of the shower in all his glory, beads of water running down his naked torso, hair tousled and wet, tongue running over his lips sensuously as he looks you straight in the eye, ready to pounce on you. Oh, and, his cinnamoroll pyjama pants, low on his hips and revealing the Apollo belt of his abs, make you smile as much as it turns you on.

Juyeon takes his place between your legs, smiling, his hot muscular back resting on your chest as he lays his head back on your shoulder, dampening your matching melody pyjamas. He chuckles as he turns his head to see you gawping. His big veiny hand that had been squeezing your thigh flies to your cheek, turning your flushed face towards him so he can kiss the pout at the corner of your lips. His beautiful lips linger a little longer on your neck, but you welcome his touch with open arms and lean into his embrace.

His eyes are full of stars when he rises from your embrace to grab the remote and turn on your series. But he remains seated between your legs, unconsciously resting a hand on your knee to preserve the intimacy you’re so immersed in. You help him on with his t-shirt, not without kissing his shoulder first, making him shiver. And your hands take the opportunity to wander down his torso to his waist, making him smirk as well. You become more and more adventurous, he loves it and can’t wait to run his lips all over your body, discovering all of it.

You place a kiss on the crown on his hair and when you notice that it’s already dry, an idea crosses your mind. Juyeon’s focus is back on the show, so much so that he can barely feel your hands playing with his hair. You give him a rather pleasant massage, moving down to the small of his chest, across his neck and up into his hair, twisting it between your fingers.

“How does it feel?” You murmured in a hushed tone.

“Heavenly,” he moans.

The tension is palpable as you continue your services, your hearts beating wildly, almost as one. He takes one of your hands in his to kiss it, the attention making you blush, before replacing it in his hair and nodding for you to continue. So you undertake one of the most romantic acts of love in your eyes, braiding his hair. Strand by strand, your fingers caress the edges of his face. The braids come undone as quickly as they are made, but he smiles broadly as he touches them, feeling butterflies in his stomach and his heart beating erratically.

“I could see our everyday life like this,” you whisper in his ear. “Together.”

Juyeon, who had been purring at your display of affection, becomes still when he hears your words. He slowly turns to face you with the most charming smile and tenderly takes your hand to place it on his chest, where his heart burns with love. The fire in his eyes burns inexorably, lighting up his already sunny face, unable to leave him. You’re captivated by this intensity and he doesn’t look away, also in love with your sparkling eyes, even when he reaches out to grab a little box that has always been right in front of your eyes. Yes, his love has always been on display. You were just too slow to catch on.

But you get it now. You’re two fools in love.

“You know how our youth is filled with each other’s names?” He says, voice a little hoarse and heart beating fast under your palm. “Well, my heart has never changed, I’ve always wanted to be with you. You are my breath of fresh air, the warmth that keeps me going through the winter, and the words I’m about to tell you will never melt away. My everything is all about you, it has always been about you.” He pauses to take a deep breath and kisses the palm of your hand, which he then links with his own, intertwining your fingers.

“I love you,” he sighs with love and happiness. “I love you so much that I was reading my destiny inside your eyes without even knowing it.” The flame of love he has carried all these years dances in his eyes, making him irresistible and captivating. Your heart is pounding in your chest as you wait for his question, palpitations he feels through your bound hands.

“Would you be mine?” His gaze, dropping to your lips then back to your eyes, is determined as he opens the velvet box to reveal two rings. Not just any rings, the matching promise rings to the bracelets you bought months ago. The ones on your wrists that you’ve never taken off.

As if on cue, as a sign of future commitment, he kisses your left ring finger and places the ring on your right with such tenderness that you almost cry. No, you’re pretty sure tears are rolling down your face because he puts his thumb under your eyes to gently wipe away the tears and kisses the salty drops that have run down your cheeks, close to your lips. With that, you mirror his actions by kissing the ring, his left ring finger and placing it on his right finger with a dazzling smile, as an unspeakable promise – that you’ll spend the rest of your lives together.

“I have always been yours. I love you Juyeon, so much that I’m going crazy.”

Even now, after confessing his feelings and hearing yours, he remains respectful and lets you make the first move with a victorious smile. You grin, feeling the cool material of the ring on your cheek as he cups your face in his hand, reminding you that this is all real and that he loves you.

And he does.

So you finally lean in, closing the gap between you to rest your lips on his. It was meant to be a soft and quick peck, but he captures your body and deepens the kiss, years of longing and wanting not to be wasted, leaving you breathless. His lips search yours every time you pull away, not wanting to let go, intoxicated by your lips and this new closeness. If you spend the rest of the evening making out and exploring each other, no one will say a word. Not even your neighbours.

Ah, you’ve never been in love and wanted to be with anyone as much as you do with him, and this since you were 16.

[ngayawneluoer]

we seek revenge

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ neteyam x reader (past), neytiri x reader (platonic), tbh mostly just a spider hate fic, if you like spider you’re prolly not gonna like this lol

Time doesn't seem to heal the wound of losing you mate, and when the sky people return and you learn the truth, no one can stop you from seeking revenge. Set a year after the events of ATWOW.

word count: 1700

a/n: pov you and neytiri form a spider hate club and beat his ass (sort of)

Even a year later, every breath you took without Neteyam felt like eternal punishment. Every moment you felt the loss of your mate and every step you took without him was only a reminder that you would never feel whole again. Every day, you suffered and mourned the pair you could have been and the life you could have lived, and every night you prayed that Eywa would bring him back or take you with him. But it was never that simple.

And so, you busied yourself with the daily tasks of the Metkayina, your head held high and your face unwavering. At least you had Neytiri, who never seemed to leave your side since her son's death. You mourned, suffered, and cried together, and as time passed, you helped each other get back on your feet and brave the world. To her, you were one final living piece of her son, his other half and the one he loved most, and she couldn't help but love you in turn. She had become like a mother to you, and whilst you knew you would never be able to replace Neteyam, your shared memories of him brought you closer together. And obviously, you bore the whole Sully family in your heart, but you and Neytiri had developed a special bond through the pain you shared and the rage you held for the sky demons that had so mercilessly killed the one you loved.

Another thing you shared with Neytiri was the wariness you felt towards Spider, who Jake had wholly accepted into the family following Neteyam's death. You had grown up around him, but being nothing more than a regular Omatikaya with almost no interaction with humans, you never were the most comfortable with him. The emotion had only doubled after his 'father' brought about the war that killed your beloved. Those around you started accepting him, but you kept your distance, as did Neytiri. You couldn't find it in your hearts to forgive him.

“(Y/N)! Come swim with us!"

The voice broke your train of thought, and you looked up from the bracelet you were weaving. From where you sat next to Neytiri, your eyes found Kiri waving at you from amongst the group of Na'vi youths splashing about in the water. You noticed Spider was there too, practically clinging to her side like a pathetic dog. You tried not to roll your eyes.

"No thank you, Kiri," You answered loud enough for her to hear, trying your hardest to mask the venom in your voice, "Later."

A sad pout graced her face for a mere second, and you knew what was coming. You usually rejected her offers, and she would rarely take no for an answer, opting instead to drag you into the group and make it so that you had no choice but to participate. Sometimes she would even send Tuk to guilt trip you into joining with those adorable eyes of hers, knowing you could never say no to Tuk.

You knew Kiri meant well; she simply saw you pull away and didn't want you to feel left out. Lucky for you, this time she was distracted by Rotxo pulling her tail, and she forgot all about her usual routine of demanding you to join. Better this way. You wouldn't have enjoyed yourself anyway.

Neytiri looked up from the arrow she was crafting, a somewhat curious look on her face. She spoke quietly, deliberately to keep the conversation private from possible overhearers, "I don't see you with those your age lately," her fingers continued crafting, but her focus was still on you, awaiting an answer. Finally, when your gaze didn't shift from where it was fixed onto your hands, she continued, "I cannot be your only friend."

You sighed softly, eyes brimming with tears that you were afraid would spill if you met her gaze, "I do not... want to see him," you knew she knew who you meant from the way you spat out the word as if it was poison on your tongue, "it hurts too much."

You finally bit the bullet and looked up at her, only to find her gaze looking off into the distance, following the human boy you were referring to. Her features twisted into anger as if in the process of a hiss, "He shouldn't be here. He should be with his kind."

"I agree," you started, but didn't know what else to say. There was nothing you could do.

Neytiri hesitated for a second but eventually uttered the words you had a feeling swirled through her mind every day, "I... cannot help but blame him. He is not just a child. He is a demon's child. He will bring nothing but trouble... But I cannot bring it up with anyone but you."

You could tell from how she spoke that she had had this conversation before. You wondered if this was a frequent argument she had with Jake, who was so adamant about accepting Spider into their family.

"I don't understand how they can so easily accept him. I know he is not responsible for his father's actions, but…." you trailed off at a loss for words. But what? You weren't sure where you were going with this. And with Spider so close by, you were hesitant to confess the hatred you held for him simply due to his heritage out loud.

Neytiri understood though. She always did.

She dropped the arrow she was crafting from her hand and wrapped an arm around you, pulling you into her side to comfort you, "You are not alone. I see you."

You leaned into her motherly touch, revelling in the comfort she provided, "I see you."

-

But comfort never seemed to last for your kind. The sky people returned, led by the man that didn't seem to die. Your people fought his soldiers bravely, some winning, some losing, but you could safely say you had done more damage to them than they had to you.

"How many times do we have to kill you!" You heard Jake hiss from somewhere, but you were too preoccupied with fighting off the armed soldier in front of you. With a final swift move, you drove your dagger into the avatar soldier's neck, your fangs bared in a hiss as blood sprayed across your face. Briskly, you sheathed your blade into its scabbard and let the body drop, turning back to the dying battle. The sky people were retreating. They were cowards and had finally realised they were severely underprepared. They would be back, they always were, but you revelled in the fact that you didn't die at their hand today.

One of them remained, however. To everyone's shock, Quaritch in the flesh had shown up. He stood proudly with a gun pointed at Jake - Jake pointing one back - knowing that the mere fact that he was alive was rubbing salt in the wound. His return brought back memories of your previous battle with him, and you snarled; eyes focused on the conniving man that stood before you. A thick metal cable fell from the sky behind him, undoubtedly how he would make his escape into the helicopter above. You wouldn't allow it.

As you advanced, you heard Jake hiss again, "How are you alive?"

Quaritch only smirked, attaching himself to the cable, "The answer is simple, Jake. I am, and always will be, better than you," His gaze left Jake and switched to someone far behind you all, and he winked. "Thanks for the save, kid."

…What?

Your blood froze and your muscles tensed, barely registering the sound of the Colonel escaping. It felt like the world had stilled; everyone around you was frozen and unable to breathe as they processed the words that had been spoken mere seconds ago.

You could barely process the faces that surrounded you as you slowly turned, following the direction of where the Colonel had been looking. You should have known.

The world around you disappeared, voices echoing as you could barely hear them over the sound of your own heartbeat. All you knew was the pure anger rushing through your veins and the pathetic human boy standing a few meters away in your line of sight. His eyes met yours. You had never seen such pure, primal terror in anyone's eyes before.

"What did he mean?" You seethed, voice muted as your features twisted in anger. You began taking steps towards Spider, which seemed to trigger Kiri into holding you back.

"(Y/N), wait," She grabbed your arm to try to hold you back, muttering something about how you should relax and how it could have been a misunderstanding, but you snatched your arm back. You knew what you heard.

"Speak!" You screamed, making Spider flinch. He remained quiet, seemingly unable to defend himself, "You saved that man?"

"I.." Spider began taking a step back but came to a sudden halt as he heard the subtle sound of the pull of a bow. Your gaze flickered behind him for just a second, and you saw Neytiri with an arrow pointed straight at his head, a snarl as equally vicious as yours on her face.

"Neytiri, no!" "Mother, please don't hurt him!"

You and Neytiri barely registered the voices.

You took another step forward, your figure towering over Spider.

"That man is responsible for Neteyam's death," Your voice shook and your tail flicked behind you with anger as you spoke - everyone seemed to fall quiet, "And you saved him?"

Spider had the intelligence to keep quiet, at least. Unfortunately, what he didn't have was the courage to look you in the eye.

"Look at me when I speak to you!" You screamed, startling Spider. His head tilted up, and his fearful eyes met yours. His face was scrunched with pain and guilt, but it meant nothing to you. "He went back for you! He wanted to save you! He died because of you!"

You unsheathed your dagger, the dry blood on its sharp blade a symbol of the fate the boy in front of you would face.

"And you will die because of me."

-

a/n: If we don’t get a scene of Neytiri killing Spider’s ass in Avatar 3 I will sue

p.s I made an ask box request things pls and ty

[commsroom]

cutter was born in the 20s, and he'd become "arthur keller" by the early 70s, so obviously pryce's story at the beginning of brave new world can't be taken literally - that's not even an old man, much less "older than anyone she had ever met." it's also inarguable she was an adult already working on her... ideas for the human body when cutter sought her out; "i want you to make a doll for me" and "i found people who had some very bold ideas about how to... tune up the human body [...] i funded their work, and provided them with a willing test subject" are pretty definitely referring to the same events. so, it's fairy tale language, but the question is: why? why frame it this way?

one part of it is the "fountain of youth" in connection to immortality, strength, and health. the implication isn't literally that cutter is very old and pryce is very young; it's that she represents this power, and that he wants her to bestow it upon him: "then you and i will fix the world. i will be young and you will be whole." cutter and pryce choose to look eternally 28, while referring to and conducting themselves as if they're very old: it's not just vanity, it's part of their self-mythology. simultaneously young and old, having overcome the natural order.

that mythology of "overcoming" natural limitations is especially significant for pryce: characterizing herself as a "little girl" within her own story is both self-victimizing and self-aggrandizing. pryce does not see herself as disabled so much as temporarily inconvenienced; even the usual limitations of the human body are something she hopes to transcend. "instead of being wretched or afraid, the little girl decided to be clever." she was put at a disadvantage, but overcame it all by herself because she was smarter and better than other people. by extension, anyone who can't do what she did just isn't good enough, even as she's closing doors behind her and making it harder for others like her. and at the same time: it's an underdog story that requires her to have been an underdog. she hasn't been in a very, very long time, but the power she holds over others remains justified in her self-perception by this image of a sick little girl who was hurt by the world. there's an implication of inherent worthiness, and even a sort of expected assumed innocence in characterizing it that way. the first thing people notice about pryce is her eyes, and... sure, maybe it's the technology, but if cutter can catch bullets without any visible signs, it seems likely to me that, like her age, this is at least in part an aesthetic choice. it intimidates people. she's turned this point of hurt and vulnerability into a power play, and remains attached to it.

and that's the other part of the mythologizing that's going on: presumably, pryce was not the only person who worked on all of this. cutter funded others. but the story retroactively simplifies it, in a childish fairy tale way, and paints an image of them as exceptional, uniquely capable and so uniquely deserving, people.

i think there's something interesting to consider here about pryce in contrast to hera: that pryce is a woman who self-justifies her cruelty via a mythologized girlhood, while hera is a woman who was never a girl, who was never considered innocent or even allowed the same recognition of the ways she's been a victim. pryce resents humanity and all it represents, resents her body and its limitations, feels that being human has only caused her suffering, but still clearly believes that she has more of a claim to humanity than hera does by nature of her biology and upbringing. pryce's "bootstraps" attitude re: disability and her own self-victimization are the crucial things here, but i think that is also particularly interesting if you read hera as a trans woman.

(incidentally, this is part of why i have a particular love for hera designs where she's just a regular woman, more angular, and maybe even older looking - a natural 30-something in contrast to an unnaturally maintained 28 - than pryce. they're both women who have chosen how they want to look, and it highlights something.)

[dragon-communion]

Concept:

All of Marika's children are born cursed in some way. Messmer's snake business. Melina's rune from birth was probably Destined Death and its blackflame. The omen twins and their blood. Miquella's eternal youth/oblivion and weird blood. Malenia's rot.

I don't think Radagon's kids were cursed as badly, and I actually blame most of their issues on him being the world's worst transmasc father. (/j)

So where does that leave Godwyn? Obviously his fate was to be the first to die and gestate deathblight, but that's all to blame on Marika messing with the Elden Ring as opposed to anything innate about his birth. And the kids we can 100% confirm as belonging to Godfrey show signs of the Crucible, which he's intimately and thematically associated with.

I really love the idea that Godwyn was always a merman, but if I look at him critically using what I know about the base game, I don't think it entirely makes sense? Crucible influence seems to make everything revert to a dragon. Reptilian tails, feathered wings, horns, breath attacks. Devolved dragons, sure, but it's really obvious to me when looking at some of the more elaborate Misbegotten as an example. Mohg and Morgott are also two halves of a whole- Mohg got the wings, Morgott got the tail.

You could argue the scaly tail is draconic, but I don't know. We tragically don't really get any sea monsters in Elden Ring, and even the giant serpent lives in a volcano. We've got some land octopus things, some crabs. The Tibia Mariners sort of count.

I think Godwyn was at least marketed to the public as the most perfect man alive, so it'd make sense if he was just an unblemished Adonis and his curse was simply a matter of time, but that feels weird considering the rest of Marika's direct children explicitly have strange powers or deformities or both.

If we assume Castle Sol was his (part of me wants to think it belonged to Miquella but who can say), it's hard to tell if the eclipse iconography came before or after Godwyn's death. If it existed before, there's a good chance the Eclipse Shotel was actually his weapon. If the eclipse iconography came after his death, as part of their continued attempts to resurrect their lord, then Godwyn himself was not associated with the fucked up necromancy sun during his lifetime.

It's also worth noting that Castle Sol is only accessible by passing through the Forbidden Lands, the entire village of Zamor, an archer golem, and a gauntlet of Fire Monks, so anyone who lived there would've been shoved in the back of Marika's proverbial closet. The Mountaintops were probably locked down the second Marika wiped out the giants, if not during or before to bottleneck resources, so nobody would be visiting casually for a light chat and tea.

(As a side note, I really have to wonder how they feed anyone up there. Where's the farms? The livestock and game? Did the village of Zamor serve Castle Sol in any way? Does the massive graveyard up there belong to the astrologers, or the dead from the war against the giants? Both? Did Marika have an alliance with the ice dragons too? What's Borealis's position in the incredibly tense sociopolitical landscape of the Mountaintops???)

All of that taken together, it's not unreasonable to think that Castle Sol could be where Marika hid her strange merman son, but it's hard to draw any definitive conclusions. The duke of that castle would be in a position to oversee the continued imprisonment of the last Fire Giant as well as the Fire Monks and their prisoners, but given the castle's position so far from the fort I'm inclined to think the castle has more to do with the huge graveyard next to it.

I need to examine the architecture for clues as to when it was built and by whom, I think, because part of me wants to say it belonged to the astrologers, and that would make some sense. On first impression though I was reminded a lot of what it felt like to enter Radahn's fort for some reason. I'll come back to this.

[henriediosa]

palatawan: the old money families

one of the things that i think makes palatawan really work as a tagalog translation of the world of hatchetfield is the class divide. if i could drive you through manila right now, you'd get it — the high-rises next to the slums, the sheets of metal covering the shanties next to the highway. there's something very filipino about an island with resorts and mansions on one side and a trailer park on the other.

i think the old money of palatawan are the panginoong maylupa, the landlords who bought up the land and built the mansions. so let's start with the people who made hatchetfield their own little satanic paradise:

the waylon family

Agatha and Mathias Flavio - so waylon is from the old english name weland, which probably means "cunning". it's the name of a legendary smith. someone who makes metal implements is a very cool namesake for the family who built hatchetfield. so i went for the name of our own legendary smith, ang panday (which is just The Smith in tagalog). he's a comics character. but it felt too on the nose to just use panday (after all, they're not the smiths, that would be too plain) so i went for his first name.

the perkins/houston family

Ma. Emmanuella de los Reyes Perez - it's emma! yeah, i think she comes from old money — her parents had land that she turned into perky's buds, and she had the freedom and resources to go backpacking as a young woman. we don't see it much from her because emma's trying to distance herself from her family, and i bet the backpacking has sort of roughed her up a good bit. perkins and perez both derive from the name peter.

Ma. Janella Perez Corazon - áte (big sister) janella. i changed her name because jane in a filipino accent sounds too much like jenny, and they could be confused with each other. going into psychology is a really interesting choice for her, because we don't actually have psychiatric workers for our population right now. so i think it speaks to how perfect and pure of heart she seems.

Tomas Corazon - the hugh in "hugh's town" (houston) means heart, and so does corazon. i think it works for a guy with such big feelings, who cares so much about his family.

Timothy Corazon / Tim - this is a personal thing that you may have noticed if you look at how i name my own characters, but i like it when characters have full names that they can derive nicknames from. he can't just be tim on his birth certificate, that's not a whole name. give your babies (characters) whole names.

the murray/monroe family

Rosalinda Iñiga Camella Villar Rivera - you bet i gave linda a long fancy name. camella villar is a reference to an actual filipino land-owning political family, and iñiga is a reference to one of my exes. hey, i can be petty too.

Gerald Rivera - so fancy and yet so generic. he stays in the background and that's exactly where he should be

Rio, Abra, Pasig, and Chico Rivera - all of linda’s children are named after rivers. is it because the monroe also means (the mouth of a) river? i’m not sure why, but i am keeping the pattern.

Roman Milagroso Villar - he just felt like he needed a second name. why not miraculous? it fits his ego. murray comes from an old irish name that means "master", so i picked a surname derived from the latin word for a village. they own the village (the hatchetfield boating society and the honey queen pageant board)

the young family

Sherman and Sheila Cabataan - this one's easy because the name is obviously a nod to their eternal youth. so it's kabataan, "youth" but spelled with a c to make it look vintage. (when the philippines was colonised by spain, the /k/ sound was spelled with a c like it is in spanish.)

so i've already done CCRP and the nerdy prudes (+ max); which section of hatchetfield population would y'all like to see translated next?

[mstrchu]

is nezha eternally 12?

yeah he is he told me himself in a t&t parking lot

12 is an arbitrary number. if you're looking for a source that literally says the exact phrase "nezha is eternally 12" you're uhh probably not going to find one. you're also probably not going to find a source that outright states that he grew into an adult. i think the reason 12 has become a popular number is because it sort of straddles that point between true childhood and adolescence, but again, it's arbitrary.

in fsyy, nezha is 7 when the whole thing with ao bing and returning his flesh and bones to his parents happens, which as far as I'm aware is the last time that an exact age is given for him in that particular novel. fsyy is also not the end all be all of "canon", but it did have significant implications for both practiced religion and literature (1, ch.5). sangren also notes that 7 being the age given is important.

i've only read about half of jttw so far, but don't think any physical or chronological age is stated for him, except that sun wukong calls him "小哥" (little guy/young man/etc.) when they first meet lol.

(a couple of nezhas from this copy of fsyy)

but the exact number of 12 isn't the point behind the statement. imo the idea behind the sentiment is that nezha is culturally perceived as a child. he is metaphorically and literally associated with and representative of the traits and struggles of childhood. he is "the most popular and classic cultural image of child personification in the literature of China" (2). the portrayal of the child - what traits they embody, which authorities they subvert, how their agency develops and affects the world around them - will change with the sociopolitical environment of the country, and portrayals of nezha have always changed along with it, for the reason that his image is inextricable from that of a child's (3, 4). he is a representation, reflection, and symbolization of the youth.

(some media puts more emphasis than this on others, i.e. the songs used for the '03 cartoon opening and closing, which really emphasize him being little, being young (少年), and being the same age the presumably child singer (他的年纪跟我一般大) lol)

(this paper looks at the appearance of nezha in various medias for the past ~100 years, including adult portrayals, although it does make the assumption that adult actor = adult character and girl actor = girl character which is.. not really correct imo… also it includes 1979 nezha naohai as part of its 'adult image' era which is ????? so i would take its conclusions with a grain of salt and just look at its descriptions.)

you're also going to get a different answer if you look at it from a more religious viewpoint. as far as i know, he has religious iconography as both a child and as an adult, but his appearance is much more varied and doesn't necessarily have the same collective set of easily recognizable traits. here are some posts with artwork and statues of nezha (interspersed with some of hong hai'er): x y z.

however, the thing is that i don't think many modern adaptations can make the claim that they drew from a religious iconography basis more than they drew from the most popular cultural image of nezha. i then wish they would be more cognizant of the fact that, in the source from which they drew, nezha is most widely recognized as a kid, and treat that with respect.

obviously nezha is not always portrayed as a child. nezha is not always anything, there are just recurring visual and thematic elements that make him a cohesive and recognizable figure, i.e. the twin buns, the iconic weapons, the lotus imagery. being a child or a youth is also one of these things, and its significance, imo, is well analysed and documented.

at the end of the day this answer is only so long-winded because it's the internet. go text your parents and ask them how old they think nezha is.

[baldurs-gape]

Can I just say your story “Wish’n’bone” is literally such a comfort read to me, I go back and read it over again frequently! Your characterization of them both is so sweet in all your work but in that one it’s my favorite. I’d love there to be a follow up of sorts some day but gosh all your BW stuff is fabulous! :3

Nonnie, your kind words fill me with such warmth. Wish'n'Bone was my first foray into a longer Bloodweave fic and I was terrified about getting the characterisations wrong. To be honest, I still worry but that's beside the point XD What kind of follow-up of sorts did you have in mind? I can't promise it will happen but I'm always over the moon to hear ideas anyone has.

Meanwhile, I've finished writing Shores so my mind has now been wandering to other things. Please accept this NSFW ficlet because apparently that's where the brain gremlins are sailing today.

No Big Deal

The Weave was magical, Gale thought. Well, it obviously was magic but he meant it in the less literal way. He had been able to use it to make up for so many of his shortcomings. When he was with Mystra, his body wasn't a concern, wasn't even something to think about. All the pleasures they explored together were beyond the physical. In a way it was a relief, a blessing. Gale knew that by human standards he wasn't exactly a catch. Don't get him wrong, he wasn't putting himself down, far from it, he had a lot to offer in terms of knowledge, power, even looks if he was being less than humble. But when things came to a more intimate connection, he wasn't well versed, no was he exceptional. Quite the opposite in fact. It hadn't mattered though, Mystra had rather literally swept him off his feet and those aspects of him weren't of any import what so ever.

Until his fall. While not objectively true, it still felt like everything had been stripped away until the only thing left was Gale himself with all his human shortcomings. Things only got worse with the whole mindflayer tadpole issue. He had so badly wanted to run to Tara and make the joke "I got worms" just to hear her express amused disdain. Instead he had a group of strangers, all of them infected and pulling in different directions. One person caught Gale's attention though, Astarion didn't seem eager to be going anywhere, wasn't all that bothered by the unexpected lodger in his brain. The only other one who seemed as relaxed was Wyll but he still had the optimism of youth and Gale knew he could so easily crush that. It was why Gale hovered near Astarion, set his tent up nearby. Even when the whole vampire spawn truth came tumbling out, he was more reassured than put off. Immortal beings were much easier to understand than humans in his experience.

Of course, not everything could be simple. As soon as emotions Gale thought were long dead in his chest started to turn from ashes to ember, he knew trouble was brewing. Even worse, Astarion was way ahead of him in that department. By the time Gale was approached by Astarion late one night, he should have known what was coming. It still took him by surprise and Gale had to think fast.

"Let me make you feel good," he breathed into the gap between their lips. "Teach me what you like."

"You get off on learning, don't you?"

It was better that way, Astarion wouldn't have to know the disappointing truth about Gale. And Gale was good at giving, he had given Mystra his all. Though he'd rather not think about how even that hadn't been enough. Instead, Gale turned his attention to Astarion, how he felt in his mouth. Every a quick study, Gale was determined to learn how to best please Astarion. He shouldn't have found it easy but there he was, on his knees and pulling the loveliest sounds from Astarion. What's more, he adored how physical it all was, the hands in his hair, sharp nails against his scalp, the mess, the loss of control, the sheer rawness of it all. In the Weave everything was but a thought away, pleasure was vast and eternal until it became a state of constant. This though, visceral and passing as it was, it burned through Gale. By the time he was catching his breath, beard sticky from what he couldn't swallow, he knew he was in love. The euphoria faded and with it came the crippling reality of his own shortcomings.

At first it was all too easy to distract, Gale took every opportunity to make Astarion feel good with zero expectation of reciprocation. If only he was as gallant as he'd made out, wanting to spoil Astarion in a small effort to prove he wasn't like all the others before him. To a small degree it was true. But mostly, Gale was desperately hiding reality. It was why he tried to entice Astarion into the Weave, to share the pleasure without having to reveal his secret. Sadly, it didn't work that way. Only so many times could he claim to have gotten himself off before Astarion grew more insistent. As much as Astarion claimed to love being the focus of attention, there was no missing that the imbalance between them was slowly getting to him.

"Let me see you."

They were in Gale's tent and Astarion was pushing. The problem was, Gale was out of excuses. Maybe half the truth would suffice.

"I'm not- It's-" All the words in the world and none of them came even close to the tip of his tongue.

Smiling coyly, Astarion stepped closer. "For a man who was a goddess' lover, you do seem incredibly shy."

"In the Weave it was all different."

It was the wrong thing to say because Astarion's brows scrunched and Gale found himself on the receiving end of a scrutinising look.

"Darling, are you saying you've never partaken in the earthly side of such pleasure?"

Head shaking, Gale couldn't look him in the eyes. Hands went to his trousers all the same and Gale startled. "It's not just that. It's, well, in the Weave I could be however I wanted."

"Is my darling wizard body-shy?" Astarion grinned. "My dear, let me assure you that you're perfect as you are."

Gale's trousers and underwear were pushed down and Astarion's eyes focused on his goal.

"Oh."

Silence stretched and Gale covered himself up, cheeks flaming. He should have known. Shouldn't have even hoped. Once again, hands reached for him, tugging his hands away.

"Darling, you're gorgeous." Two fingers easily lifted Gale's cock and Astarion's thumb fondly stroked over it. "I don't know why you were wanting to hide."

"It's small." Even when aroused, it was maybe three inches at best and Gale was all too aware of how much of a disappointment that could be, not to mention that he was a grower and not a shower which made his mortifyingly below average in that moment.

"It's perfect." Astarion had never said anything more honest in his life. Truly enamoured with Gale, he smiled and leaned in. "Let me show you how perfect."

No further warning, he dropped to his knees and took Gale's soft cock gently between his lips. He hadn't been lying, it was perfect. A mouthful that gave him scope to lavish it with his tongue, even his fangs weren't such an issue. Hands found their way into his curls, unsteady and uncertain. Usually, Astarion hated it when someone did that but with Gale it felt right. Bobbing lightly, he listened to the soft gasps and smiled around the perfect cock between his lips.

As he sucked, Astarion couldn't help but let his mind drift. Gale was gentle, even if he didn't need to be. There was no risk of him pushing down into his throat, no threat of any kind of discomfort. Astarion was man enough to admit that he was falling in love with Gale's body all over again. He flattened his tongue against the underside of Gale's cock, gave him something to rut against and swallowed eagerly as it spilled unexpectedly quickly. Pulling back with a pleased hum and a show of licking his lips, Astarion grinned.

However, Gale beat him to speaking. "Thank you."

"You're thanking me for...?"

"Not laughing at me. Getting me off. Being my first."

Heart softening, Astarion pressed one last kiss to the red tip of Gale's cock before standing up once more.

"If you'll let me, I'll prove to you how I love you exactly as you are. All I need is as much time as you'll give me."

"Forever?"

"Forever sounds good," Astarion purred.

[blackbutlerfandomnerddomain]

Day 4 (September 26) - Hurt-Comfort/Sick Day

“I’m sorry, but I can’t… We can’t…”

The words have stuck with Ace all week since the events of his rescue of eternal marriage with a phantom bride, the look of Riddle’s somber sad expression on his cute face still fresh in his mind.

He felt sick to his stomach for that expression of a near weep after such a lovely kiss upon those lips he dreamt of kissing since he discovered his heart belonged to the most unlikely fellow…

School was sluggish to say the least for the whole week; Ace was mostly silent and not as jokester like usual, his grades were his average but not as normally passionate as he did on certain topics, his behavior in Heartslabyul was more so gloom.

It’s a mess to watch and everyone is worried sick seeing the Ace card being so sulky and depressed looking, like a ripped up playing card after one too many bad betting games.

Not just him, Riddle also has seemed to be acting differently too.

He has been seen spacing out and looking like he’ll cry or scream any final second upon the halls of school and the dorm and looking a bit paler than his usual skin tones, wandering around like some sick skeleton.

“And that’ll be all for today, please have a good afternoon pups.” Said Crewel as he finishes up his potions lesson for the day on certain herbal classes and how to make certain soft poisons and speeding potions, watching all his students get up and leave from their assigned cauldron.

His gray eyes stop as he sees a certain heart card soldier lazily walking out with a deep frown on his face. “Hold it Trappola, be a good boy and stay behind for a few.”

Many boys snicker as they leave Ace alone with the diva in fur. Once they were alone with Deuce being the one to shut the door the teen turned his body at the split haired gentleman, “Yeah?” He said, his tone and body language obviously trying to act his usual self but failing miserably.

The man sighs and folds his arms, talking stern and serious, “You’ve been acting odd all week and now usually I would mind my business with your youthful ways but for now I can’t bring myself to stand by and watch you sink deeper away.”

Ace tsked and turned his head away, Crewel sighs, “You got dumped didn’t you?”

The teen boy growls, “Hell no!” But the teacher was able to hear a weak mumble of ache under his breath, “We weren’t even a thing…”

Crewel sighs and opens his desk drawer, brushing his red gloved hand across the clutter he has in there before he goes back to his lost hurt pup with a card of sorts.

“Here,” He said as he handed the card with not much expression on his face but sympathy in his eyes, “You can find these things at Sam’s shop, tell him I sent you if or when you go.”

The younger one looked at the card gifted to him, it’s white and decently sized like any business card in shape and weight, black inky pen markings and scratches writing out the words of;

Miracle Cold Medicine

Heartache Go Away

Vampire Beware

Witch Hazel

He blinks and looks at his teacher again, who only gives him a knowing glance back before he turns his fur coat back to him to look at some papers.

“That is all. Have a good rest of your day Trappola.”

Ace blinks for a moment before nodding slowly and walking out of the classroom with the card shoved in his pants’ pocket, leaving the man alone in his room with papers to grade and thoughts to sort. 

—

Winter skies swirl and shimmer like glitter across a beautiful backdrop of wallpaper for the Yuletide season. The sky gifts down little flurries of white spots of cold from the seemingly cloudless black abist of a sky as the large white moon illuminates the many patches of the white blanket that coats the ground and roofs of the places around the people who walk and talk.

Walking beside a winter rose and iced wooden arch is a beautiful young man with short red hair like a rose bud just waiting to bloom and flourish dressed in a black turtleneck sweater under a maroon red winter coat, bright blue-gray eyes glance around the winter landscape of couples and snow as visual breaths escape those petal lips.

A ginger man walks into his few, two green cups that steam in warmth in his mitten covered hands, walks over with a smile and flush face of joy. “Hey there beautiful, you busy?” He asked with a grin, freckles glowing under the warm flush blush of his cheeks and nose.

The redhead smiles and goes to the ginger in a rush, giggling like a kid seeing Saint Nick for the first time in their whole life, the snow falling so prettily against the different shades and style of red hair.

Riddle’s eyes shot open, fists clutching tightly on his pillow.

He blinks fast as turns flow out his sockets and down his cheeks and onto his soft pillow as his breathing quickens as he sob softly, increasingly growing slightly louder with each tick of the volume his throat gives him while his body shakes and cries in unison.

Stupid stupid stupid! He thought as he covered his face with the already slightly damp pillow, images of the dream of him and Ace meeting together coming in projector films under his eyelids with each blink, causing his heart to break more.

He slowly grazed his finger tips against his flushed lips, recalling back in slight joy the warm feeling of his Ace giving him a kiss of passion and affection with the setting sun and it’s paint palette. 

Snot burns his nose as he curls up in another cry, feeling sick to his stomach as his nails dug deep into his arms’ flesh. “Shut up shut up, bad bad bad…” He mumbled between cries, he can almost hear the faint screams of his mother in his dorm room at the dead of dawn.

—

This month was a rough one for many to both be a part of and to witness others struggling. 

For starters, Riddle looked paler and paler with every day that went by. He barely ate much other than some small portions and orange juice, he even gave a tart to another student!

He has also seemed to be studying a lot more than usual. At the library most free time outside of school, club, and Heartslabyul duties, always doing more study sessions with the other students inside and outside his dorm, going the extra mile in all his classes and club activities than his normal nature. 

Meanwhile, Ace seemed to be going backwards rather than forwards.

He drank herbal tea when he wasn’t supposed to, he made a mess of the croquet game, he left earlier than 15 minutes after eating lunch knocking a chair astray in the progress, he chugged a whole basin of lemonade while staring at his dorm’s faces at 8 PM on the dot, and finally… He plucked the roses instead of painting them on a Wednesday.

How the Hell Riddle somehow managed to keep his cool and patients with all he has on his plate already is beyond a shock to everyone who were able to witness the madness of Ace doing all this with a smug yet eager looking smile on his face.

Only for Riddle to turn away and let Trey handle all the punishments he needs.

Ace peers around the corner of the dead of night, making sure not a single door mouse was awake to stop his plan from motion. Once he saw the coast was clear he began to make his stealthy way to the dorm kitchen with his eyes guiding his way past the shadows.

His face stretched into a smirk as he snuck deeper into the kitchen, right to the fridge farthest away in the corner that makes soft sounds for the cold spell used to protect the food within. As his freckled hands grabbed hold of the knob, a voice stopped him–

“Now isn’t it against Rule 089 to not dare touch or eat one of the Queen’s tarts without their permission?”

Ace jerked around so hard his back hit the fridge in his stumble to see the silhouette of Trey Clover standing at the kitchen entry with strong arms folded across his thick wide chest and a gentle yet still firm expression on his face. 

Catching his breath, the ginger scrunch his face up in an angry pout like an upset toddler as he breaks in with a hiss, “Yeah, so what? Gonna tell Riddle about me?”

Trey sighed and brought a hand up and rubbed the bridge of his nose right between his tired amber yellow eyes, “Is that what this is all about? Are you breaking the rules to try and get Riddle’s attention?”

Ace looked away, trying to act sly with his (he assumed) well played expressionless face, but he knew the jig was up when he heard Trey sigh again, “Okay spill. Why are you two acting weird?”

“Nothing…”

Then, the eldest drew a wicked smirk.

“You two hooked up.”

Ace’s face turned just as red as a strawberry as his voice cracked and sputtered, spitting some on his lips, “Wh-No no! We didn’- I didn’-” As heat rushed down the back of his neck and his eyes feeling the gaze grow harder, he blurted, “Okay fine! We kissed!”

He sighed out as soon as he said that, pausing when seeing Trey go to him. The baker moved the teen out of the way and opened the fridge, taking a carton of milk out before grabbing two mugs and pouring them full enough to drink but not spill.

“Alright, I’m listening.”

Ace hesitantly took the offer of a stool seat as he took the cup of milk carefully in his hands, now feeling like the toddler he was acting like earlier on time out. He sighed, “It was when you guys tried to save me from the ghost bride chick. I… told Riddle that I…was in love with him…”

Trey blinked, not really expecting those words out of the card soldier’s mouth.

Ace continued, “I… also kissed him… and I thought he felt the same way cause he kissed back… But… I guess I was wrong. He said that we can’t or something and refused to talk to me face to face since then… But I guess that’s my own fault since I made him uncomfortable and opened my heart up for the first time and look at that he doesn’t feel the same way and-”

Tears slowly spill from those red eyes as his athletic drawn shoulders shake and move with soft wheezes coming from his trembling lips. Seeing someone like Ace cry is a sight to behold no one thought they could ever see but now he’s Trey witnessing it and it’s over a broken heart of loving the Red Tyrant of roses himself. 

Trey reached forward and rubbed the ginger head that bobs and cries like a broken faucet in a bathtub, doing his best to comfort the crying freshman in his favorite kitchen. “So you’ve been breaking the rules to try and have Riddle talk to you again?” He asked, knowing he hit the nail good when he saw Ace nod with a hard sniff of mucus.

He reached around the counter and got some napkins for Ace to use as a tissue, rubbing his shoulders as he blew his nose. “The first time we really talked was when I ate that tart and he collared me… So I figured if I repeat it he can at least tell me he doesn’t feel the same way to my face…”

“What makes you so certain he doesn’t feel the same way to you?”

Ace’s face twisted up as he stared at the vice dorm leader, “Didn’t you listen to what I said? I made him gross out over someone like me spilling my guts out like that and now he’s avoiding me clearly.”

Someone like him… Trey thought as he kind of stared at the freshman, remembering back to him announcing his gender identity and sexual orientation during his so called “wedding”.

But—

Trey looks from the corner Riddle struggling with his shirt as Cater fixes his hair.

“Are you sure the binder is hidden? What if someone finds out? Oh Seven what if mother finds out-” The red head rambles before being stopped by Cater’s giggling and smushing the smaller face in front of him with both hands. “Come on now Riddle-San~ You look fine. You’re a very handsome prince~” He cheered, causing the redhead to smile softly at those words.

Trey spoke up, “Does the title of Queen bother you in any way?” Riddle thought for a moment before shaking his head, “No,” He answered softly, “Surprisingly it doesn’t. …Should it?”

“Come on Trey-kun now you’re getting the poor baby confused. Riddle-san, pronouns, clothes, and titles are far different than you think. I mean, Lilia-kun is a boy and likes to dress up like a girl sometimes, yeah? And you know I love makeup and don’t care if people see me as a boy or not, yeah? And Vil-chan is very pretty regardless of what gender he is. If the title of Queen doesn’t both you than that doesn’t make you less of a perfect boy Riddle-san~”

Riddle smiles and giggles, “I guess that’s true.”

Trey smiles fondly at the memory. He always knew Riddle was a boy even long before he knew himself, it was known in town the Rosehearts had a smart and beautiful little girl but when he happened to see him while playing with Chenya one day he was honestly taken aback over the cute boy sitting there reading and writing. Even at a young age he didn’t question it, Riddle was Riddle after all.

It didn’t really sunk in the actual wording until he saw Riddle in town with long black hair and wearing a gown sometime after the horrible incident with his mother, and he told his parents who sat him down and explained the best they could of what may be happening and warned him to not engage in that family’s issues.

And he knew well the new look on Riddle’s face when around Ace after his Overblot.

“Ace, listen, I can tell you just this now but Riddle would not reject you over something like gender and sexuality.” He said, assuring the boy from more tears.

Ace sniffs again and wipes his eyes with the heel of his palms, voice croaked, “Then why else would he hate me…?”

“He doesn’t hate you Ace. He…” Trey thought for a moment, chewing his cheek some in thought before he sighed and continued, “His mother might visit Night Raven.”

Ace blinks and stares at him.

“Huh?”

“Every 4 to 5 months she comes to visit the school to check on Riddle and his grades. It stresses him out more than anything this school can throw at him. Guess that’s one thing they came to not settle an agreement on during Winter Break.”

Trey crossed his arms and sighed, “If I had to guess, Riddle may feel the same for you but the timing is shit.”

The ginger blinks again and looks down. “And if he doesn’t..?” His voice was so soft Trey would have assumed it was a fairy that came into the kitchen for late night snacks.

Trey smiles assuring, “Well I guess there’s only one way to find out then huh? You have to talk to him properly. And not in a way of breaking the rules, that could make him assume you hate him. I’ll try and talk to him to let you two talk, you’ll respect his answer regardless if he rejects or returns your feelings?”

“Yes! Of course! Just being ignored hurts more than being rejected…”

The green haired man pats his freshman’s head again with a smile. “Good. Now hit the hay, by tomorrow morning I want you to fix the roses you plucked and pour the afternoon tea for everyone in return for the tea and lemonade you drank.”

Ace kind of chuckles at the end but nods and hurries off out the kitchen to his room

—

Riddle coughed into his hand, an ice bag resting on his forehead and his mess of deep red hair. Besides him standing by the nurse office bed is Jade who carried him there after an incident in their class together.

How can I have fainted in front of everyone?! His mind scolds him as he wheezes a small cough.

The nurse feels his forehead again, and makes a curious hum before turning to Jade and Trey, who rushed over fast when he got word, “He seems to have caught a cold of sorts. It’ll go away with some rest and some cold medicine.”

Riddle tries to sit up, “I’m fin-” His voice stops with a harsh cough. Trey’s strong yet gentle hands helped him lay back down. “No you’re not Riddle. You should stay here for the rest of the day and rest. Just until your fever is down enough.” He warned, it was a gentle warning but still a warning.

The eel, vice dorm leader, and nurse soon left the room, leaving Riddle alone with his fever and thoughts.

“Ugh…I hate this… I don’t have time for this…” He mumbled to himself as he lay back deeper into his pillows, his eyes growing heavy from a soft lack of sleep from the last few days due to the worry of his mother coming by.

As his eyes closed, he was met with a random memory played to him rather easily.

It was the 23rd afternoon of September and they were all in the Heartslabyul lounge enjoying the fun and air as cheery baked pie fills the noses of all.

“You know, pie is better than tarts.” Ace said with a chuckle, chuckling more at Riddle’s obvious objective face. “Please. Cherries are tart and only taste sweet with some help.” He retorted back, sipping his tea cup with a hmph.

Ace laughs slightly, “But strawberries are just too sweet and can be sour, it only works if you make it with something else.”

“That’s not true at all–”

Ace’s laughter as he grabs a slide stops the dorm head to argue back with the birthday boy, “In a weird way I guess you’re like cherries and I’m like strawberries. How funny is that Housewarden?”

Riddle watched as Ace took a juicy bite of his pie slide, bringing a thumb up to whip some crumbs off his bottom lips as he licked his lips along with the cleaning.

Tears filled Riddle’s eyes as his opened those sad eyes, the image of Ace’s smug face still paining his heart against his rib cage.

He doesn’t quite know when these feelings for the opposite started but in a strange way he realized that day Ace was right for the first time. Well second if you count his Overblot where Ace argued his behavior wasn’t closure.

In a way he is like cherries, very tart and unsavory and only is sweet when people help him be sweet. While Ace arguably is like strawberries, he’s sweet yes but also sour and works so well with others regardless of how messy the mixing becomes.

Ace’s confession comes to his mind as tears blink out their hiding spots in his eyes as his heart beats in a sore rhythm. 

“I should talk to him…”

And talk to him he decided, grabbing himself together he got up and made his way right to his dorm. It was a very weird sight for some random students to see their dorm leader wandering the halls of the dorm red in the face and in a messy lab coat but hey he was weird all week so it’s not new.

If I’m lucky he should be done with club activities Thought Riddle as he walked to the wall of doors that face the shared bedrooms.

He takes a look around the hall and opens the door, meeting the sight he only saw once in his freshman year lifestyle before becoming Housewarden of four different beds on four different corners fitting four different aesthetics and personalities across the board of the room.

Riddle quietly walked into the empty bedroom and made his way to the obvious side of the room for Ace after spotting the little basketball laundry hoop just there.

“I guess he’s not here…” He mumbled and began to leave. He stops when his tired eyes catch something on the card’s desk.

Besides the normal clutter of Ace’s study methods and magic card tricks he sees a white card sitting there in the open.

Curiouser and curiouser as they say, Riddle made his way closer and his heart sank upon seeing it seems to be an item list of sorts. What became more clear than the rest though was one: Heartache Go Away

He recalls the rumors of a special potion that makes all forms of heartache and love go away with just one drink of a vial, but no one actually got it unless they had a good deal.

Does that mean…

Suddenly all of Ace’s actions this last week since they saved him and he confessed flooded back, Riddle’s heart sinking deeper and deeper into the deep end…

It makes sense now… He thought, Ace hates me now…

Riddle can’t recall how he got to his dorm room, but he knew he was numb and tired, head full of ocean water and he’s swimming in harsh stormy waves.

He breathes in and out, trying to sooth out the storm of emotions in his tender chest and sore ribs.

“It’s fine…” He whispered, holding but the wheezing cry that’s threatening in bubbles up his throat, “I-I rejected him first so why the Hell does it matter if he spelled away his feelings…?”

He started making his way to his desk on shaky knees. “I-I should get back to studying, Mother will be angry if I mess up even a little bit…” He grabs a book and gasps when he accidentally rips the page of the book due to his harsh opening.

This was a book his mother gave him for his birthday before he joined Night Raven College. 

A book is what she always ever given him. And he gives himself in return…

With trembling hands he gripped the science page he was forced to read so much until he saw the charts and tables in his dreams, the pain of his mother’s harsh scrubbing off his hair came crawling up his scalp as he stared at that damn page.

With a harsh yank back he ripped that page clean out as his breathing quickened.

The sound of her screaming voice scolding him for just looking at trousers in a store window rings in his ears as he rips another page out.

He bent the leader back and watched it break in half like a carrot as her constant need to keep him on a strict diet.

A familiar rage filled his body as he moved to the next book from his mother and repeated the same motions over and over until his floor was nothing but scattered papers and abandoned leader back of book covers. After that was done he grabbed the books he couldn’t dare break apart and began to throw them out of his sight.

His hands grab hold of his bed sheets and ripped them up in a fluey as he feels tears burn his cheeks like poison.

Once that was done, he stood still at the chaos he created, hands shaking and rage and pain in his heart. He fell to his knees, the pains he felt seeing Ace’s holding hands with someone else coming to his mind. Guess he has free chances to fall in love with someone else now… He thought, the idea of Ace drinking that rumored potion and hating him already hurting him but the image of him arm in arm with someone else makes him feel sick.

Breathing in, his poor lungs gave out as he cried out in a loud wail. His cries sounded as if someone ripped his heart out and honestly he feels like someone did. And that someone is a woman he came from in birth.

Why does she have to trample and ruin his happiness when he does so much to make her happy?!

No, he knew he can’t blame himself fully for blowing that chance of happiness away. The pain was unbearable as he curled to the floor crying as images of that damn smug smirk and teasing glimmer in those red eyes flash under his eyelids as if taunting him of his what if dream scenario of actually having a happily ever after with this trouble making wild card full of laughter and messes…

His door swung open in a clash.

Riddle freezes as he slowly looks up and sees Ace standing there dressed in his gym clothes panting and red in the face, his red eyes widened and worried. “What happened?! I heard a scream!” He shouted, hurrying inside without hesitation.

The dorm leader’s heart ached upon watching and hearing Ace worry for him.

“Ace-”

He stopped as a new feeling came up his throat and filled his cheeks.

—

When Riddle woke up he was in his messily made bed and it was already night time. He looked around the room a bit as his eyes adjusted in the dark, noticing a bunch of papers and thick leather covers in his trash bin and a decent dark stain on his rug.

Memories of what happened earlier came crashing into his tired fuzzy noggin and Riddle sighed out, shame pooling his gut over such a childish reaction over his stress and-

The card came to his mind.

He placed his hands on his chest as he felt sadness engulf his heart, tired eyes closing. “Ace…” He mumbled, the same already sounding so hard to say without crying like before.

Then, the bedroom door opened.

Riddle looks up and sees Ace standing there and walking to the bed, closing the door with his foot behind him, holding a tray of tea it seems.

“Good, you're awake. I was just coming back from Basketball club and heard you screaming so I ran and saw you were on the ground and your room was a mess. Then you threw up. Don’t worry though, Deuce and I had that cleaned up real fast while Trey-Senpai and Cater-Senpai got you dressed and in bed.” He explained as he rested the tea tray on the bedside table, Riddle watching him move.

He’s so kind… But…why…? He questioned to himself, already feeling a sob coming on.

Ace turns and looks at the upset face of his dorm leader and stammers, “H-Housewarden-” but his words are stopped with Riddle’s sudden sob out, “Please don’t hate me!”

“E-Eh?”

Riddle sniffled hard as he cried, unable to stop the storm that brewed and settled, “I-I know what I said…But I can’t imagine you hating me… Whenever I do my stomach goes into knots and my eyes flood in tears…! I can’t stand seeing you hate me…!”

Ace brought his hands out and took Riddle’s cold hands in a soft grab as he cautiously asked, “What are you talking about? I would never hate you!”

Riddle sniffed in return, “B-But—” He huffs, “I rejected your confession and I know what you bought at Sam’s Shop–”

“Hm? This?”

The ginger reached into his pocket and took out a blue vile. Riddle’s heart sank as he shook his head as if trying to say “please don’t do it” while his words were stuck in his throat.

“This is cold medicine.”

The words stopped Riddle.

“Wh-What…?”

“Trey-Senpai told me you were sick as soon as we were cleaning up the mess you made. So I went to Sam’s Shop and got this Miracle Cold Medicine that I hear works wonders, Professor Crewel gave me a slip to use to ask for it.”

Riddle’s tight chest felt loose finally, like he was finally able to breath as he stared at the vile and then at Ace. “Did you assume I would stop loving you, Riddle?” Asked Ace, his hand held softly squeezing as his thumb rubbed his knuckles sweetly.

The housewarden only nods with trembling lips and spoke, “I-I saw the paper and assumed you’ve-”

“Riddle,” Ace puts down the vile and cupped the sick flushed face of his dorm leader, his thumb whipping away the tear streaks that cover his cheeks, his voice a gentle stern that even Riddle can hear is filled with genuine care, “Nothing in this world would ever make my feelings die. I mean, if I didn’t leave you during your huge emotional period when you blotted and almost killed us then I’m sure as Hell not leaving now.”

The redhead blinks, heart fluttering when hearing such promise from those lips he honest to the Great Seven desire to kiss again.

Ace sighed, “I’m sorry if I came across like I hated you. I just… I assumed you hated me after…well…after what happened…” It was clear with his wording what he was implying, making Riddle realize he, too, is badly in the wrong.

“I-I’m sorry too… I just…” He sighed, rubbing his hands in thought as he hand picked his words in his mind, “I’m…not used to any of this… And I feared the worst… I feared for the disaster that was to come… The fights… The crying… The heartbreak… Then again, I guess that still happened even if we were dating…”

Ace uncupped the smaller’s face and sighs, rubbing his neck.

“Why are we both so bad at this? I even did that stuff to try and make you talk to me…”

“Huh? You did all that rule breaking just for me to talk to you?”

“Yes! Geez, I was fine if you didn’t feel the same way I just rather you told me than pretending that I wasn’t there—”

“No no no! I do feel the same way!”

The two stared at each other, blinking and flushed. Then, a giggle slowly came out their lips as they overheard their words again.

Ace looked at Riddle, eyes soft and so full of love like when he confessed, he reached and held Riddle’s hand again with a soft hold and squeeze, his voice sweet like honey, “Riddle, I love you. I really do. And with all this happening it made me realize how much I love you more. I don’t know what the future might hold, and if we fight and break up, that's a bridge we’ll cross when it’s built. Right now though, I want to enjoy the few of what we have now… If you want to.”

Riddle blushed and looked down, his hair sweeping his eyes like a curtain call.

“We… We’re pretty different…”

“That’s fine.”

“I’m stubborn…”

“So am I.”

“I get angry a lot…”

“I’ll be there to hold your hand while you rage and cry.”

“You really… You really won’t leave me…?”

Ace tilts Riddle’s face up to him and smiles, “Never in my wildest dream will I dare leave you.” He closed the distance between their lips in a firm sweet kiss. Like the previous kiss, Riddle made a small noise and tensed. But also like the previous kiss, he melted as well and leaned back into those sweet lips he will strongly admit now he dreamt of kissing since he took a taste. Unlike the previous kiss though, he cupped Ace’s cheek and relaxed the kiss more, as if he’ll disappear if he never held him.

The two kissed in soft hums and with softer smiles against lips fitting perfectly like puzzle pieces, fingers dancing across different shades of red as their cheeks warm in happy hearth.

Suddenly, the door opens again and Cater poked his head in with a chipper tune, “Riddle-san~ How are feel-”

The pair part fast upon hearing the door and Cater’s voice, too late to stop the man’s gasp and small squeal, “OhmyGosh! You- and him- You two were- You two are- OMG~ #Cute~!”

Riddle turned to his friend, blushing mad with both the cold and the fact he was caught kissing someone unannounced, “C-Cater..!”

Cater gasped, “Oh right right right, I’ll leave you too alone~” He backs up to the door and exits, leaving his head in as he eagerly whispers out, “Tell me the details later~!”

“Cater/Cater-Senpai!”

As the door shut the two breathed out.

Then, Ace snorted.

Then, Riddle giggled.

The two began to laugh at the scene that happened, heads leaded into each other as they laughed as one.

—

Things got better after that.

Riddle made a full recovery and went back to his usual self, tart eating and all. And Ace went back to his usual self as well, but happier it seemed. He spent most of his time while Riddle was recovering repaying and taking his punishments for his behavior. 

Now it’s the Heartslbyul’s UnHappy Birthday Party, everyone is having a fun time with the activities as the sun shone above them as sweet breezes the wine became.

The roses were perfect, the croquet came wonderfully without a hitch, and Riddle was all smiles and glee. His blue-gray eyes watched as the game finished in an end and as a certain ginger snaps his fingers with a defeated look on his face but still smiles.

“Dammit, lost again.” Ace said, rubbing his neck as the one who beated him in the game laughed in return, “Rule 703-” “Whoever comes 2nd in a croquet match must serve tea to the Queen the next day. Yeah yeah I know.”  The winner blinked at the fact Ace Trappola remembered a rule, not only that but that he’s fine with losing.

“You know, I think he’s doing that on purpose.” Trey said with a soft chuckle as he watched the scene with the dorm leader who giggled as well, “Well we’ll never know, now won't we?”

The ones who played the game came back to the party and began to eat as rewardly promised.

Red eyes catching something rather different than the usual set up. “Hm? I don’t recognize this pie.” Ace spoke up as he tilted his head to the rather cute designed pie.

Riddle spoke up rather eagerly, “I made it.”

The students looked at their Queen pretty surprised. And also scared as the last time he made anything it resulted in a huge assault on all their taste buds with oyster sauce. Deciding to be brave and proud, Ace grabbed a slide and took a mighty bite.

His eyes snap open and spark as his cheeks grow warm in glee. “Holy cow! This is amazing!”

As soon as he said that many took slices and consumed as well, voicing their praise as well and chatted of the great flavor. Riddle smiles shyly, “Thank you. It’s a strawberry and cherry pie.”

Ace tilts his head, “Strawberry and cherry pie.”

Riddle nodded some, pink coming to his cheeks as he looked down, “Mhm… Someone special taught me they go really well together.”

Deuce stared wide-eyed at Ace’s expression. “A-Ace, your face is completely red! Are you okay?!” He asked, obviously worried about his friend.

A smile slowly came to Ace’s lips as he stared at Riddle enjoying a delicious tart to distract from his own blushing face.

“Yeah. Just happy today.”

This is the today's prompt for the @ridoaceweek thingy~!

Song that for some reason played while I was writing Riddle's little breakdown

As for the real song that inspired for the vibe of this fic is-

I love this damn movie and this song is just the best for this pair!

People who liked this series, if you want I can animate this, please let me know!

This was my favorite prompt for RidoAce for someone reason, maybe it's because I dog drama and diving into couples

[hiperchile]

Dykes to Watch Out For Listen To

Hello! Here's 30 lesbian* (*or bisexual etc women. While this post is about music, identities [(L)esbian/(B)isexual/(U)nknown/undeclared/uother] have been noted for the curious amoung you) artists to listen to in this month of pride! Feel more than free to suggest others - this list is just what came to mind and is obviously barely scratching the surface. I have highlighted a few notable works for each, but that absolutely isn't to say you shouldn't try out their other works! Some of these women have giant discographies spanning decades, so there's more than enough to dig through :D That said:

1. Janis Ian - Folk. Active 1965-present. I say this list is in no particular order but that’s except for this spot - if you take one thing away from this post, please let it be go listen to Janis Ian. Go listen to anything and everything she’s done, but I’d especially like to highlight Between the Lines (1975), Breaking Silence (1993), and Strictly Solo (2004, live album).  (L) 

2. Sleater-Kinney - Indie Rock. Active 1994-2006, 2014-present. Highlighting Dig Me Out (1997) and Call the Doctor (1996). (B)

3. Teresa Trull - Folk. Active 1977-present. A Step Away (1986) is marvelous and, considering the sadly low amount of spotify plays, you probably haven’t heard it. (L)

4. Jen Foster - Pop. Active 2001-present. Everybody’s Girl (2006), The White Room Sessions (2016) (U)

5. Ani DiFranco - Indie Folk. Active 1989-present.  Imperfectly (1992) and Not a Pretty Girl (1995) are probably the classics, and personally I’m quite fond of Little Plastic Castle (1998) (B)

6. k.d. lang - Country/folk. Active 1981-present. Obviously Ingénue (1992), but do also consider Shadowland (1988) (revealing my eternal fondness for debut albums <3) and Invincible Summer (2000), if not everything else. (L)

7. Team Dresch - Punk/qcore. Active 1993-1998, 2004-present. Personal Best (1995) and Captain My Captain (1996) are both instant classics of the genre imo. (U) 8. Jill Sobule - Folk-pop. Active 1986-present. Jill Sobule (1995) (of I Kissed a Girl fame) obviously can’t go unmentioned, and on a personal level I can’t not mention Pink Pearl (2000) (B)

9. Atomic Swindlers - Glam. Active 2004-?. I cannot recommend Coming Out Electric (2004) enough. So so so so fun - who doesn’t want intergalactic lesbian love songs? Or, as described by the Village Voice, a “rock opera about spacebiker lesbian stargirls in love”. C’mon. (U) 

10. Melissa Ferrick - Folk-rock. Active 1991-present. Freedom (2000) probably goes without saying, but checking out Everything I Need (1998) or Goodbye Youth (2008) probably wouldn’t disappoint either. (U)

11. Bitch and Animal - qcore. Active 1995-2004. All three albums are great, but Sour Juice and Rhyme (2003) does have Feminist Housewives, so. 

12. Maddie Ross - Pop. Active 2016-present. Look, Maddie is exactly the lesbian pop artist you’ve been looking for. Never Have I Ever (2019) is incredible and no I still haven’t shut up about it. Do you like pop? Do you like lesbians? Do you like incredibly well-executed concept albums? Of course you do, so go listen to this! (As a bonus, go listen to her cover of Scotty Doesn’t Know and thank me later :))(L) 

13. Ember Swift - Folk. Active 1996-present.  Stiltwalking (2002) is so good and more than that it’s just so fun, but don’t sleep on Mid-March Meltdown (2021), either. (U)

14. Jen Cloher - Folk-rock. Active 2001-present. Jen Cloher (2017) is definitely worth a listen, as is Dead Wood Falls (2006) (at the very least). (U)

15. Alix Olson - Spoken word. Active 2001-present. Don’t be scared of by the ‘spoken word’ part! You really don’t have to be poetry person - nor even a lyrics person, gd knows I’m not! - to enjoy. Built Like That (2001) I really can’t rave about enough. This goes from fun and silly to serious and profound, and the whole journey in it is incredible. It’s incredibly captivating, is the truth of it. Not saying Alix is a genius, but... Yeah, a little bit. (U)

16. Jamie Anderson - Folk. Active 1987-present. Three Bridges (2007) is lovely, as is Dare (2013), but her earlier works aren’t to be slept on, either :) (L)

17. Tribe 8 - Punk/qcore. Active 1991-2005. The name tells it all, really. Rude, loud and brash, and really fucking fun. By the Time We Get to Colorado (1995) is basically required listening, and I can’t not say how often I get Lezbophobia stuck in my head, and First City (1995) is fantastic, too. (U)

18. Joan Jett - Rock. Active 1975-present. This is yet another one of those ‘where to even start’, y’know? That being said, I would probably point to Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth (1984) and Sinner (2004) as well as her 1981 debut. As a double suggestion, go listen to The Runaways if you haven’t already, in all their messy glory! :) (U)

19. Grace Petrie - Folk. Active 2006-present. Obviously highlighting Heart First Aid Kit (2017) and There’s No Such Thing as a Protest Singer (2016) (L)

20. Tracy Chapman - Folk. Active 1986-present. Need I really say more? Her self-titled 1988 debut is a great place to start, and Crossroads (1989) (and every album after that) is a great place to continue ;) (U)

21. Kate Reid - Folk. Active 2006-?. You can’t go wrong with I’m Just Warming Up (2009) and Doing it for the Chicks (2011). I mean, charming and funny, what more could you want? (L)

22. Partner - Rock. Active 2014-present. In Search of Lost Time (2017). Boom, simple as that. (U)

23. Hayley Kiyoko - Pop. Active 2013-present. I mean, I couldn’t really not, could I? In all honesty, my favorite of hers remains A Belle to Remember (2013) / This Side of Paradise (2015), but if you’re looking for something more openly “out” you’d probably like Citrine (2016) or Expectations (2018) (L)

24. Ferron - folk. Active 1975-present. Yet another Canadian icon! Do absolutely listen to everything, but my personal reccommendations are Testimony (1980) and Shadows on a Dime (1984). (L)

25. Gina Young - Alt/qcore. Active 2002-present. Intractable (2002) is my darling, but She’s so Androgynous deserves a mention, too. (U)

26. Doria Roberts - Folk. Active 1995-present. Woman Dangerous (2006), and I absolutely cannot stress this enough. Incredible record. (L)

27. Alix Dobkin - Folk. Active 1973-2021 (<3). Lavender Jane Loves Women (1973) and Living with Lesbians (1975) (which have been helpfully merged on Spotify /s) are absolute indusputiable classics. (L)

28. Sara Renberg - Indie. Active 2018-present. (U) Night Sands (2018) !

29. Melissa Etheridge - Rock. Active 1985-present. Yes I Am (1993) times 7000. For real. Absolute indusputiable need-to-listen. Brave and Crazy (1989). Your Little Secret (1995). Everything. (L)

30. Phranc - punk/folk. Active 1970s-present. I’m going to point out Goofyfoot (1995), both because it’s incredible but also it’s the only one easy to find on streaming lmao. (L)

Have fun!

[sockori]

shmupdate 🧦

very long, hastily written, but a look is appreciated

greetings- to those who are somehow still lingering around this account or came up upon it during my desolate time off. it is sock. or sockori.... or raven... my name is actually raven (they/it, 20 yo disabled autistic goth nerd whatever the fuck). howdy

im still on the 'undetermined hiatus' so to speak that i described in my leaving post, but i will say right now that i have no near future plans on returning. in the tags on my newest art, i mentioned my naruto hyperfixation (of like. 6 years i think) finally died out and other interests have long since captured my autism full force. for me personally, when i lose a special interest like this so drastically, i just full on abandon it for as long as it stands. however, this isn't the only thing that made me leave, and i think its time for me to be completely honest & get some weight off my chest.

i made this account around the cusp of turning 14, during a god awful pubescent era where i acted as any other edgy teen does and i'd much rather like to forget these days. what im saying is i was not in the right mindset at all when i exposed myself that much & got the attention that i did. a dismayingly giant coping mechanism i had in my youth was being online 24/7 because i had no one in reality to lean on let alone feel comfortable talking to about anything that was happening at that time. this of course leads to what the kids call these days being 'chronically online'- desperate for some sort of assurance or interaction, i crawled into internet spaces i shouldn't have been for an also incredibly unsupervised child using the dangerous worldwide web.

yes, naruto was apart of this, as well as other interests i had at the time. throughout my journey i met unsavory people, suffered abhorrent things like stalking & gr---ming, saw things i didn't deserve to see, did a bunch of stupid shit an angsty teen does, i believe you understand the rest. i am in no way proud or gleeful about any of these years and have some very sour memories tied to fandom as a whole, not just naruto, and i really don't like reflecting on them. so, unfortunately, this account sorta became a bitter reminder of what i went through as i grew up & finally matured and sought to recover. that's the first part of why my activity fizzled away & i began backing off from internet use entirely.

the second part is sasori. yes, the puppet man. sorta the sole reason i made sockori in the first place. as the sasori enjoyers following / who followed know, this puppeteer has an incredibly unhealthy philosophy and worldview (if the carefully preserved corpses turned puppets and complete lack of humanity didn't give that away), and is safe to say entirely detached from his reality to a nhilistic and suicidal extent. when you autistically fixate on a character like how i did, sometimes this character's rhetoric can seep into your own without you even realizing; Especially when you're a spot where you are incredibly vulnerable and psychologically unstable, as i was in my youth. now i didn't go around believing you should uhhh murder people and preserve them Obviously- actually i began to believe that perhaps there was some peace in obtaining a robotic existence. maybe emotions were useless, perhaps nothing truly mattered, my life didn't matter, art in eternal in the sense that death is scary and i should avoid it at all costs, why make connections with people when they just die or leave, cant trust people at all to help me, xyz. anything in these lines. without going too uncomfortably deep for everyone's sake and mine, it fucked me up severely. i suppose in a way it relates to how he uses poison. his toxins got right into my nervous system, but the pain i felt from those toxins was the only thing i could really rely on at the time, so i just let it happen. such is the depressing case of coping in the worst spot of your life.

cant help but feel incredibly strange telling the tale, as it sounds so obscure doesn't it, but media can truly get inside your psyche like this if a consumer isn't careful. not sure if anyone else out there fell into a similar headspace dealing with interests in this nature- but regardless. what i mean to say is, sasori is now a kind of content i cant consume anymore. i am in a way better place now, have grown wise and balanced with careful recovery and patience, and of course have grown out of whatever teenage nonsense i was on. sasori, who was once the only thing my autistic traumatized ass could lean on, is now an extremely dark shadow on my life. yes i see this homicidal anime puppet dude from a fantasy ninja anime and get psychological distress. he's somewhat of an aggressor or abuser to me now, which is tragic. ive been actively avoiding everything even vaguely relating to him, be it the art of puppetry, anime clips, robotic/sci-fi genre, whatnot cause i just. man. i dont wanna go back there. shouldn't have to explain why at this point. ptsd at its finest

feel like ive been honest enough. sasori enjoyers out there who were just around to enjoy what i made, anyone i happened to be good friends with during my time on this account, this doesn't have anything to do with you guys. i appreciate everyone dearly for supporting me and cheering me on in whatever i made despite all the hell & anguish that was taking place beyond the keyboard. im just glad that i managed to find some way out and get the help i need before i gave up & took my own life, which depressingly i almost did a handful of times. carrying the horrors is an exhausting burden to bare sometimes, but that does not mean i can't look back on the good parts of the era too. and seeing you all happy and sharing my memes or whatever made me ecstatic and at least a little bit hopeful for the future. fortunately that little spark of hope grew into something more. thanks for being a light in a very, very dark room.

that being said, i leave you all with this: i am not dead, just greatly changed, a new person at last freed from apathy & exhaustion, with now enough room to finally grow. the memories will never truly fade & my disabilities will be a part of me until i pass on, but at least now i can manage them a lot better than ever before, surrounded by way better people who love me for who i am. i will hang on the best i can. i wish for you to do the same. find freedom and happiness wherever you are. take care. happy trails

trans rights. i eat fascist souls. free palestine

[sluttyjonahmagnus]

Okay, okay. I've had time to process 5.11 as well as I can. As someone who is going through the anniversaries of people who died recently it was a lot for me. And I don't think I was okay but I made that decision to listen for myself. I'll try to keep spoilers below. Also obviously talk of death and dementia.

This might be me rambling about the series as a whole though.

Unwell, a Midwestern Gothic Mystery means so much to me. And I will be forever saddened when we get that final episode. But I have a little bit of time.

Unwell was there for me when my grandmother was going through her own dementia. We lost her last august. We lost her mother that way too. I know my mother will one day feel things slip and I know that for me.. I will too. But I've got time. At least 50 years if great-gran and gran are anything to go by. But that's just one side of the family.

And that's what this is, isn't it. It's family. It's the highs and lows of loved ones, blood or not. Of them coming and going in your life and you are just unable to stop them from leaving and it hurts. It hurts so much.

Blooms is a child and a parent to me.Blooms forever eternal in the midst of its own unending youth. Blooms can't understand, doesn't want to understand, that people leave. Doesn't understand that it hurts them to leave too.

We see this with Dot and Lily. Lily is forever scorned that her mother 'just left them'. It uprooted her life and she will hold that grudge in her heart for as long as it takes her to heal (and she is healing. Slowly). But Dot did not want to leave. Lily is realizing that now. Dot left on obligation. She's not even blood related but she left because she was chosen. She left her baby and the man she loved with all her heart (yes Dale said they weren't going to make it but.. if there was no fenwood, would they?). If there was no steward at the house, people were going to get hurt. People are getting hurt because the current steward and slowly losing her grip and is possibly on her way out. She has let things slip because she does not have the support she needs in the years that are sloping downhill towards her own spot in the cemetery.

And Lily comes and she's only suppose to stay for a bit but she decides to stay for longer and it's not enough to help Dot. And Dot's not enough to help Lily. They might never be enough.

And that's okay.

Because sometimes you can't help your child and sometimes you can't help your parent. The trauma of being a child who was never understood by their parents to becoming a parent who can't understand their child and of that child who can't understand their parent and can't be understood. It's unending. But that's what it means to be a parent and a child and a person. Constantly growing and learning and fitting into the complex human reality of it never being quite enough.

And Blooms has to live through that, forever. Of people in and out of their life and when they think they can understand their loves, they're gone. They leave or die or are taken away in such a violent manner that it forever changes the ripples of the water. And they feel like they've been abandoned and forgotten but they haven't. Because there's a community of people that love them, even if it's just below the surface of their mind.

And Silas.. Silas. Silas who was cast out and discarded and hurts so much that he can't remember anything else but that hurt. Because even if he hurt people, did the ones he loved also not get hurt? 'The gardener's job is also to remove weeds'. And maybe it was all his fault for the horrific things that happened. That's another form of memory loss, isn't it. You don't remember your life but you remember feelings but it's not enough.

Everyone Lily told to rest was loved deeply by their parents. And maybe that love hurt them in the end. Because they didn't understand how to help. 'I made her too sad' 'I need help!' 'I can't, lie down and pray' and how Wes's dad never gave up trying to contact him again and it might've hurt him and his wife.

and it's not their fault.

Everyone needs help but not everyone knows how to help and it's not their fault for being on either side of that line.

And sometimes they leave and sometimes they don't. And sometimes living and screaming and crying isn't enough to fill the empty space they left. The hole is too deep for all the water.

All you can do is rest.

[calamitys-child]

Put your money where your mouth is Aidan I want a thematic analysis of the sex scene in Jason X (I have never seen Jason X)

Oh MAN okay so Jason X is, possibly hands down, my favourite bad movie. Its the funniest bad horror sequel I've ever seen. It's got space stations. It's got cryogenics. It's got INCREDIBLY 00s fashion. David Cronenberg, yes, The Cronenberg, specifically asked to be in it only so he could be killed in a very stupid way after 2 minutes of screen time. At one point a guy gets killed by being knocked off a platform onto a big spiral aerial type thing and you watch his corpse corkscrew the whole way down and I laughed so hard i had to pause the movie because I thought I might either choke or piss myself. It's Bad. I love it unreservedly.

That said, it has been a while since I watched it so I am a little vague on the details and have refreshed myself by skimming the Wikipedia page. Tried to rewatch the scene but I am on a bus so my signal is not quite good enough. I will do my best from memory.

The Friday the 13th movies have always had a theme of responsibility of adults and older teens for the kids and teenagers in their care and, by extension, are often thematically full of Having Sex (Ir)Responsibly. The plot twist in the first one is actually really good - Jason is not the killer! Jason is a child who dies in an accident at his summer camp because the counsellors supposed to be keeping watch on him snuck off to shag in the storage room instead. The killer is his mother, seeking to avenge him by murdering the camp counsellors who she catches having sex. It's a core founder of the "if you fuck you die" trope in horror.

How does Jason get so hugelarge and get a machete? No idea. How does he get to space? Doesn't matter. Have I seen any of the other sequels between the original and Jason X? Not clear-headed, though I do vaguely I think remember watching one when I had the flu real bad and fell asleep a bunch of times.

Basic plot, for context: a professor leads a bunch of students to excavate the cryogenically frozen body of Jason and realises that, because he's so big and unkillable, he could definitely sell Jason's body for lots of money and fame to people looking to profit off of eternal youth. Jason awakens, mayhem ensues.

As I remember it, the first sex scene that immediately comes to mind involves a sadomasochistic encounter between a student and a supervisor, heavy overtones of "fuck me for good grades and fame and success". The wiki page doesnt specify this so i MIGHT be getting it confused with another film but it is definitely something I remember noting about it so for the sake of this discussion I'm going to assume I've got that right. Obviously, then, this links to the core theme of "Having sex with people as a distraction from the duty of care you have over people". While these characters are fucking, Jason is waking up, only attended by the students, and beginning his murder day out in space. Again, these deaths could have been prevented if there was a separation kept between Doing Your Job and Getting Some Pussy, and the dynamics of the scene lean into ideas of sex as power and of appropriate vs inappropriate sexual acts. I also seem to remember the younger girl being the dominant participant in the scene which again comes down to some kind of "horror movie punishing Deviant tm sex Specifically" trope, horror as a genre is really preoccupied with presentations and performances of masculine and feminine, male and female, active and passive, and things which blur these distinctions or confuse these binaries are a major focus and source of fascination but are also almost always resolved by either "Correcting" the gender (girl stops being an adolescent tomboy and gets a boyfriend) or destroying it (if you do things "wrong" you die). This is very much a basic summary I recommend Clover's "Her body, himself" for it explained better than I can on a bus with no coffee.

Another heavily sexual scene in the movie is when they try to capture/subdue Jason by putting him in the holodeck and playing a simulation of two hot half-naked young women at summer camp, which distracts him in a paralysis between violence and desire. This echoes the themes of the first film; first, that sexuality is very often a dominant preoccupation for adolescents and young adults and the question of whether it is appropriate to condemn them for having or desiring sex; secondly, that the tension between condemnation and desire can cause impulses to violence, like the far-right leanings in incel groups; thirdly, the cycles of repeating trauma, Jason here wanting the thing that killed him showing that, like his mother, he is playing out the cycles of trauma again. This is all a very psychoanalytic reading which is not at all my usual thing for good movies (read Skin Shows by Halberstam for, again, a much more competent analysis of why psychoanalysis is often reductive when applied to horror) but I think Jason X does lend itself to this lens and, again, busposting from memory not a fully researched essay. Jason then kills them by putting them in sleeping bags and hitting one sleeping bag with another which is on the one hand a reference to the "young women pillow fighting" sexual titillation motif but is, more importantly, absurdly funny to watch.

Like I've said throughout this, it's been almost a year and a half since I watched this film, but I absolutely do think the themes of sexuality are a significant enough part of it to not be dismissed offhand!

[whenthechickencry]

Cornelia, The New Priest

Released between EP5 and EP6.

The episode starts with listing how Cornelia's job betrayed her expectations, starting with her having more free time than she thought she would and having a "looser" atmosphere than she thought.

She then complains about her lunch break being 15 minutes more than in the books and how she is allowed to speak in normal language in the office, I am sorry Cornelia but oh my god would I hate having you as a coworker.

We dog et some background into why Cornelia is like this, though, apparently she used up any allowance money she received in order to attend weekly court language class, and her parents were poor. Certainly feels like they aren't taking seriously something she used a lot of effort to learn

Some foreshadowing for Will here, neat.

Cornelia isn't in the department she wanted, she is in General Affairs, despite top students usually getting their choice and Cornelia being top of the class. They mention it probably has to do with the interviews, which I assume they noticed she's kind of naive and probably too by the book for field stuff.

Cornelia's issue is not that she won't speak in normal language but she can't, despite very obviously speaking the same language others struggle to understand her. I can relate a little bit as someone that's bilingual but has an accent that I can't rid of, lol. Anyways, everyone kind of hates her after failing to order and considers her incompetent...

Cornelia and Gertrude meet, which fills Cornelia with newfound confidence as they both struggle to communicate, so if she can be promoted so can she. She admonishes Gertrude in her head about not speaking in court language, and Gertrude corrects her way of thinking.

Gertrude then recommends for Cornelia to submit to some projects, and that she has high hopes for her.

Cornelia I think some offices would kill you on the spot if you suggested this as a newbie.

Cornelia is struggling a lot between ideal and reality, how to make her dreams come true while still operating within what is possible. It's hard to not feel very bad for her as she goes on with this even if you don't agree with her at all.

Cornelia is pretty sharp about her flaws and about what must be done, all things considered... it's just a lot harder to apply what you know abstractly to be true when it's not what you are used to at all.

After talking with Gertrude about changing the world vs changing yourself, Gertrude resolves to first focus on becoming an adult, someone who can face the hardships of day-to-day life, before trying to change the world.

This episode is speaking surprisingly close to my heart right now. I used to feel really bad about how useless I thought I was, how little skills I had, how there was no point in even trying because I am incompetent. But internalizing that I have a lot of time to learn things, and that even if I might be a little behind compared to others that is perfectly ok, I will keep trying and I will learn the skills I want to learn, has helped me a lot.

Meanwhile, with Dlanor and Gertrude...

Dlanor's eternal youthfulness gets a bit of a recontextualization here, with the whole being naive and childish but keeping your ideals vs becoming an adult, you can see Dlanor as someone who managed to achieve both. This one was really neat, actually, I like characterization for the side characters and this story hit a lot of notes that felt were very needed to me at this moment.

[angie-long-legs]

The turned-to-stone question wasn't a kink thing, per se. I was just thinking about it because I read an interesting story recently. It was about a man who wished for eternal youth and beauty, and had his wish granted when he was turned into a statue. Which ... is one way of staying young and beautiful forever, but probably not the way he envisioned.

And he was at the coast when he was transformed, so he got beaten by the wind a lot, and the waves lapped at his ankles, and he wondered whether he'd erode until he was unrecognisable, and when he'd finally crumble completely.

Oh, yeah, he was still alive and thinking this whole time, but he couldn't move or speak anymore, so he felt like he was stuck in a prison, and no-one could hear his cries for help, and he wanted to be rescued and changed back but also feared he would lose his mind before that happened...

Sorry, I know I'm rambling! I just thought it might be fun to talk about fiction with a ... fellow creative, as it were.

What about you, huh? Not that I think you'd ever make such a foolish wish, obviously, but .. how would you cope if you were turned to stone?

Turned to stone. Incapable of moving, unable to escape any suffering bestowed upon him. Trapped in a paralytic prison of his own choosing, all for the sake of being beautiful, admirable, perfect. Bound by his mistakes to a mockery of his desires. Helpless. Hopeless.

What a terrible fate.

"Hah!" Angel snorted, pushing these unwelcome thoughts aside. "Sure sounds like a kink ta me, doll. Ya can't move, can't speak... What about that don't sound like bein' bound and gagged? If I was turned ta stone, I'd want someone ta have a little fun with me! Especially if I was young an' beautiful forever... Though, I already got that one covered!"