#and the preacher believes you will sign it eventually

[tvdfan23]

My sister has the rose colored glasses on again 🙄😒

[stxrvel]

loneliness is not my thing (2)

series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.

chapter summary: a talk with Bucky could end up uncovering and unleashing that part of you that you were always trying to keep under control.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +5k

warnings: i think none? let me know if i should add some!

note: hey you guys!! i can't believe the love you all gave the first part of this fic, and also the love you gave to the outbreak! its surely insane. thank u all for your support, and know that i'll always try to be better and write better and just give you guys the best. i love all of your comments, sorry if i don't reply to them, but i really really really love reading them! the feedback is just what keeps me going. really thank u all 💜. as always, i hope you like this second part! let's see what comes next for pt. 3

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The road to recovery was a difficult one, and if anyone knew about it, it was definitely Bucky Barnes.

It was what everyone had been telling you since you arrived. Besides constantly insisting that you should be careful about everything you did and not overexert yourself, talking about Bucky was another thing that people around you constantly did. You hadn't said that to him the last time you'd seen him, because he seemed angry enough with what little you'd said to him without adding something to it that you didn't even know what it might add to the conversation.

But yes, apparently Bucky was quite a preacher when it came to the path of self-healing. And seven years was just too long... You would have been much more surprised if it was the other way around, that you were still two adults with the minds of children who constantly poked each other with offensive words and backbiting. Maybe thinking Bucky had changed wasn't so crazy after having a whole year to consider it. You'd never had so much silence from him as you did most of the time you were in the hospital.

You wanted to learn more about it. More about him. But you never felt you had the right time to talk to him at length. At first, yes, it was too complicated to take in what he had told you. You two, married? The worst of your nightmares. But eventually you could begin to notice the change, even though his old attitude was still fresh in your memory. Then, just when you felt ready to start trying, the others showed up.

You would never have thought that learning to tolerate people would be such a complicated task until you found yourself in that situation. You were grateful to them, of course, their concern touched you… but to what extent?

You were uncomfortable with their looks and words and, although you managed to give yourself space by letting them know you didn't want them to keep talking about you and Bucky, the discomfort never really went away. And you just couldn't deal with it anymore. Surely, that was what had caused Bucky to pull away from you more and more. You also thanked him for his understanding, but you felt the scales were very unbalanced.

When he told you he would talk to Tony about giving you more space, you took it as a good sign. You could finally have a more private space to live.

What you didn't expect, of course, was to spend a whole week in complete solitude.

You didn't know what was worse.

You thought for a moment that it would be a gradual change and not all at once, and you hardly knew how to handle it. Sometimes you would leave the wing you were settled in and walk around the Complex, hoping to find someone, but it seemed like everyone had been wiped off the face of the earth. There was no one you could meet walking around.

So, at the end of the week you wanted to talk to Bucky again. You thought being like this might be the solution, and it's not that you completely missed some conversations with others, but you did miss some social interaction, and with some boundaries you were sure you could get some good stuff.

“What the hell are you doing up there?”

Your head was up, pointing directly at the figure sitting on a thick branch of a large tree. The woman had an impassive look on her face, but you could tell you had taken her by surprise.

You were taking one of those walks that, rather than being routine, you took hoping to run into someone. Although you had the feeling that you would end up doing it as a routine. And now you were finishing, when you were walking around the green area of the Complex, you happened to look up at the sky and you found Carol Danvers in the middle of the landscape.

“I'm… relaxing,” she barely answered you, clasping her hands together and waving her legs in the air. She almost looked innocent.

“Aha,” you nodded, not quite convinced. “I hadn't seen you in days.”

“Bucky was very clear in his instructions.”

“Instructions?”

“Yeah, he was very specific in asking us not to return to the wing and not to cross your path even by accident. Very intimidating, if you ask me.”

You watched Carol frown reflexively as you weighed her response. That, clearly, answered the questions that were rattling around in your head. But still…

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why did he do that? I didn't tell him what I told him to get everyone out of my life - he didn't even tell me what he wanted to do!”

Carol let out a laugh and it was your turn to frown.

“You can't imagine the things that man would do for you.”

You sighed heavily.

“But I didn't want to be left alone either.”

“That's understandable,” Carol nodded. “It's true that we overreached. You had reason to be uncomfortable and Bucky had reason to be angry. The least we could have done was to be on our best behavior and we failed at that too.”

You processed her apology, but over analyzed her words.

“You failed at that too?”

As soon as you finished asking the question, Carol's face froze. You knew she was known for being careful with her words, and she was the only one in the whole group who could really exercise prudent behavior. She didn't like assumptions or double-talk, unless it was necessary or for a bit of fun. But on a subject like that, you knew she had to be very precise with every word that left her mouth.

So, you didn't waste the opportunity to bring it up even though you knew she would most likely dismiss the topic as if it wasn't something relevant.

“Yes, well… The accident was an intelligence error. We all got complacent, thought the mission would go excellent and smoothly. But we were wrong.”

You didn't expect her to actually give you an answer. Vague, but an answer after all. You tried to fill in the gaps in your head with the information she gave you, but besides being something completely inconclusive, it gave you a big twinge in your head, like every time you tried to remember something.

Sometimes you didn't understand how the doctor said it was possible that you could recover your memory when you faced situations like that. That headache you got when you tried to evoke some recent memory seemed like a wall of miles of concrete that you couldn't break down except with thousands and hundreds of years of hammering on it.

That's how far away and impossible it felt.

“Don't do that,” you heard Carol's voice.

You had lowered your head when you felt the sting and, as always, the light began to bother you. You didn't realize at what point she stepped off the tree branch, but suddenly you felt her beside you holding your shoulders.

“The doctor said to avoid, specifically, forcing your memories. They will come on their own at some point.”

“This sucks,” you barely mumbled as the pain began to subside. “It feels like… having someone else inside my head. My lost memories feel like someone else.”

“I get that.”

You straightened up and began to follow the path back to the Complex at the foot of Carol, who still kept an arm around you just in case. You turned to look at her when she spoke, remembering what she had told you about her past.

“At least you know what you're looking for. The road is full of rocks, but it won't be endless. At some point you'll find a river and walk right into the truth.”

“I hope so.”

“Be patient. And don't force yourself. You'll be fine.”

You pursed your lips unable to keep a feeling of disgust from coursing through your body. Carol was right, like everyone else when they talked about it, and suddenly her advice should carry more weight having been through a similar situation herself, but that did absolutely nothing to alleviate the hollowness you constantly felt in your chest.

Dealing with the situation was easier when you only thought about the present. When you thought your only problem was what to eat for your three meals a day, what movies to see, which sides of the Complex to walk on, and that was it. Everything was perfectly fine when you focused only on the problems you had in the moments instantly.

The real issue came when you had to remind yourself that you weren't living in an everyday situation.

You had an accident. You lost your memory. You spent a year in the hospital. You found out you had a husband. You went to live in a space in the Complex completely isolated to yourself because the stress of the environment there could affect you psychologically. You were constantly living your days… for existing.

Having lost your memory, in addition to taking away the opportunity to continue to grow in your interpersonal relationships, also took away the opportunity to continue working. You were a SHIELD agent, but you weren't cleared for any kind of mission until further notice. And when would that notice come? You had no idea. Basically, you were living in limbo.

You were constantly trying to focus only on the problems of the present because they were things you could more easily deal with. Maybe that's why, despite being a nuisance at times, you appreciated the company of the team. And maybe that's why at the time you didn't miss the loneliness. Not that loneliness that gave way to unhealthy thoughts and hopeless feelings instead of allowing you moments of reflection. You felt you had developed an apathy to loneliness. Or a fear… It was hard to know exactly.

But you had to merge it all into your routine at some point. Learn to deal with both at the same time. Learning to live with the fact that there were millions of things that others remembered and you didn't, while trying to live with creating new experiences to treasure.

Living one problem at a time.

“If you really feel that way, you should go back and talk to Bucky. I can talk to the others and try to set rules and boundaries.”

You raised your head to find yourself in front of the rear entrance to the Complex that Tony had set up so you wouldn't have to walk through all the clutter of agents and clerks at the main entrance. It was a black door that blended in with the rest of the wall, and behind it was a short hallway that led directly to an elevator that had only one number available to go up.

“Yes, that would be ideal,” you nodded thoughtfully, as you walked toward the elevator after closing the door. “Of all the things I could have imagined when I woke up, the least likely, almost impossible, would have been guessing my current relationship with Bucky.”

Carol barely let out a laugh as she rang the elevator with the single button to her left.

“Despite losing your memories, you're not much different than you were in the last few years. Really the only thing that changed was everything that went along with your lousy relationship with Bucky. When you two patched things up, it was like everything fell back into place. The sun came out and the birds sang.”

You laughed with Carol as you entered the elevator and pushed the button with the number five on it.

“I guess it can happen again, right?” you questioned quietly, as you ascended to the third floor.

“It's possible. But don't hold on to what was. You can also chart a new path.”

--

You felt nervous. Your mind was predisposed to disaster. You had taken chamomile tea, but it had given you nothing more than a sudden urge to go to the bathroom. Every second that passed felt like an eternity, and you couldn't conceive that you could ever feel excited at the thought of talking to Bucky. Because what you were feeling at that moment could almost be related to panic. Despite the months that had passed and what you knew of his new version, you still panicked at the thought of talking to him alone.

You had been staring at the door for a while expecting him to show up at any moment, but it felt like you had been sitting there for hours waiting for the same thing. You hated feeling that uncomfortable tingling in your limbs and the nervousness whipping your stomach with an empty feeling. You especially hated it even more knowing that Bucky was the reason you felt this way. A year hadn't been enough time to get used to the idea, it seemed, and still your mind was reluctant to accept the truth. Even though you were aware of what it did to him, what your rejection made him feel, you still couldn't put yourself in a situation other than unwilling. It was like acting against your nature.

Carol had told you that she would tell Bucky to meet you because, like the others, you hadn't seen him again either. She knew where to find him so she told you not to worry about that.

She also told you that the reason everyone seemed to have fallen off the map was because they had started having missions much more often than before. Whoever was making life miserable for them and the rest of the population seemed to have been relentless for days. Carol told you that everything had been manageable until the beginning of last week, when the attacks and disappearances had been more frequent.

She then mentioned that it was unlikely that you would ever see everyone gathered in the same room for more than an hour again, or even a small group of them.

That was all he said.

You asked more questions, like who the person was who was causing these disturbances, or why they wre doing them, but she refused to continue the conversation. She said something about stress and trauma that you could barely understand, but her conclusion was that it was the doctor's express mandate not to talk to you about work. And it seemed that especially about that person who was wreaking havoc in the cities.

The door rang when you were deep in thought.

You moved your gaze just to meet Bucky's clear eyes. A choking sensation suddenly came over you.

His gaze was not tense, as you used to remember it, and he moved his body gracefully across the room; he no longer seemed to carry the sin of the world on his shoulders. His calm expressions made you feel more at ease, coupled with what you had lived and experienced with him over the past year, but you still felt the nervousness come back stronger.

“Carol told me you needed to talk to me.”

You watched him approach without moving an inch from your place at the table, and noticed his brow furrow in concern. At some point, you would have connected that expression with anger, with weariness or annoyance, but his warm, welcoming eyes made you feel like you had no reason to feel cornered.

“Yes, uhm… I wanted to talk to you about the team.”

“What?” Bucky spoke up instantly, his brow furrowing even more. “Have they been bothering you again? Because I was very clear last time-”

“No! That's not why. That's not what I meant,” you rectified quickly when you felt his tone of voice deepen. The lightness with which he used to address you seemed to have taken a vacation when he thought your time was still being disturbed. “I just wanted to tell you that… uhm…”

Damn nervousness. You interlocked your hands under the table and clasped them tightly. You tried to keep a cool expression so as not to alert the man in front of you, and the very thought struck you as odd.

“You didn't need to ask them to leave.”

You finally spoke, and when you looked back to see him, you could make out his peculiar grimace of confusion.

“I really appreciate what you're doing for me, Bucky. It's very… thoughtful,” you would never have thought you'd say all those words in the same sentence. “But I'd really prefer not to always be alone.”

You saw how his features remained mostly intact, but his eyes gave away what was going through his mind. He still looked confused, but he was already walking down the path you were putting together.

“I know what I said. My way of expressing myself was perhaps a bit over the top. But in my defense I didn't think you were going to go and ban them all from ever coming back in. I would never have guessed it.”

Bucky sighed, and you noticed at last how he relaxed his body. Ever since you mentioned the others, his shoulders had tensed and he had leaned forward as if ready to run off and hand out scoldings.

You watched his eyes wander over the table as you two lapsed into a silence that you couldn't tell if it was uncomfortable, comfortable, strange, not at all welcome, or welcome. You had mixed feelings about how to feel in the face of their silence. God, the things you'd come to…

“Okay,” you heard him reply after another few seconds in (un)comfortable silence. “So you'd prefer to see them more often, regularly, but just be less invasive. Something like that?”

“Maybe,” you nodded. “I don't know how I used to be before the accident, but I know that right now I don't feel as willing to talk about some issues.”

“That's okay,” Bucky nodded quickly at your words. “I'll talk to them then. I'll take what you tell me into consideration.”

You mimicked his gesture positively, and gave him a tight-lipped smile.

Okay, now what?

Before your head could start making a problem from the size of a pin to the size of a mountain, Bucky took the floor again.

“How have you been feeling? I mean, physically.”

You blinked a couple of times before answering.

“I've been fine. Sometimes I get a headache, but that's when I'm trying to remember something.”

You saw him nod with his full attention devoted to you. His brow furrowed, but this time in concentration, you were sure.

“You haven't been able to remember anything?”

“No, I haven't.”

You shook your head and felt that strange hopelessness hug your chest. You didn't like to think that sometimes people lived with a conception of you in their heads that you couldn't fill. You felt that they were always waiting for something. The expectation of one day seeing you and you being that person they used to remember. It was hopeless. You thought that no matter how hard you tried, you were never going to reach that version of you that had been erased from your head that everyone was used to. Why would that happen? Even with someone like Bucky, whose relationship between the two of you you didn't remember on good terms, you feared you couldn't exceed those expectations.

“You know,” the voice of the man in front of you brought you back to the present. You shook your head to rid yourself of those thoughts and focus on his words. “If you wanted to someday, you could get out of the Complex and go somewhere in the city. Maybe meet or just walk around.”

“Can I do that?”

Bucky frowned. “Sure. Why couldn't you?”

You looked down at your clasped hands.

“I don't know. I thought part of my recovery included always being here.”

“Ah. Well, that would be the most advisable thing to do, but as long as you're accompanied by someone I don't think there would be any downside.”

“Really?”

“Sure. You can ask anyone to accompany you. We all know the city well. And if that someone isn't busy, I'm sure they'd be happy to accompany you.”

“I definitely will. I've seen some interesting things online that I'd like to see in person.”

Bucky gave you a small smile before speaking. “Then get to work.”

And he stood up. Suddenly, you felt the panic sweep through you again. Was he going to leave already? You felt your heart drop to your stomach and you stretched out the fingers on your hands as he started walking.

“Well, I'll leave you. I have some mission reports to fill out. Report them to Fury before midnight. Most boring part of this job, honestly.”

Every word out of his mouth made him stand an inch farther away and you suddenly didn't like that feeling. You wanted to speak up and stop him, but your head was making you keep your mouth shut with your muddled thoughts hovering over every part of the room. You could almost see every possibility and every word clearly around the room. It was chaotic. You felt chaotic.

Bucky turned to see you, and when your gaze met his, everything stopped in an instant.

“You used to love doing that paperwork.”

The world slowed down to that moment. For a second, you could only perceive his body focused directly at you and his sparkling eyes that told you more than you could comprehend. You felt an itch in your fingertips and had the urge, for a second, to rush out to his side.

That was the part of you you didn't know. The part of you that your head was always fighting with. The memory of your body. The instincts that surfaced every time you experienced a strong feeling. Your head didn't remember it, but your body did. And your rationality was always fighting against the instincts of your body, because it was reluctant to a reality it didn't know. It was all so unfamiliar that you had no choice but to keep yourself in a constant tide of alertness.

There were never any dangers around you, but you always felt the need to be prepared to defend yourself.

That was one of those moments.

“A lot of things I hated to do you loved to do,” Bucky spoke again, this time redirecting his gaze elsewhere in the room as he seemed to be flooded with memories.

His longing face touched you and, for the first time, it looked like your body was going to beat your head.

You got up from the table and Bucky's head moved quickly, as if pulled out of a reverie. He watched you for a couple of seconds in silence, and when you said nothing, he shook his head.

“If you need me, I'm in B wing. Floor five. Room four.”

And without further ado, he turned around again, ready to leave the room.

“Wait!” you exclaimed louder than necessary. You cringed at how loud your voice came out and what it implied that it sounded almost like a prayer. It startled you, and you wanted to disappear when his body turned as he was about to grab the doorknob to open the door.

His eyes… his eyes told you everything. If only you knew the language they spoke; if only you could pay a little more attention; if only you could hold him a little closer…

You felt fear at the path your thoughts were taking. Your body's instincts were taking over the mechanism that kept you from losing your sanity.

“Y/N, you don't have to tell me anything. I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable that I said that. I shouldn't have-”

“It didn't make me uncomfortable,” you replied quickly, interrupting him. “It's just… sometimes I don't know how to handle these emotions.”

Bucky nodded.

“I don't know how to… handle you.”

“Handle me?”

“Handle what you cause in me.”

You watched him take a big breath in, his shoulders moving noticeably as he took a deep breath. You didn't know if he wanted to talk or if he wanted to stay silent so you would continue, but you didn't give yourself much time to think about it.

“Sometimes I feel like this whole thing is beyond me, you know, but other times I feel a huge familiarity with what's around me and it's like I've been to that place a million times before.”

You let go of your clasped hands and felt exposed. Talking like that made you feel vulnerable, even though you sensed you should have had that kind of conversation with him before. But that didn't change the fact that the discomfort didn't go away, nor did the need to let him know.

You were barely processing the words coming out of your mouth as your own ears picked them up, as if you were automatically reciting the writing your heart has practiced. The things that part of you had been keeping quiet for a long time had found its way out of you, to express yourself because keeping quiet and silent was turning it into a slave of suffering.

“That's how I feel with you… sometimes. Like I can't handle what I feel and what I think, but other times I feel like I've seen you a million times already, that I've felt this way a million times. And that you've looked at me that way a million times too.”

Bucky stood static in front of you, and his eyes never left yours. The intensity with which his gaze penetrated yours almost made you cringe, because you might not understand all that he was silent and showing through his eyes, but boy was he a man who knew the power of expressing a feeling through the window of his soul. You could almost touch through the masses of air the love he used to profess for you. That he professed still.

“I don't even know what's right and what's wrong because my mind has a limited view of the whole situation. I want to remember and at the same time I'm terrified that I can't.”

“Nothing will change if you can't remember, Y/N.”

“Except everything will change if I never get my memories back. You know that. Don't tell me things like that to make me feel better.”

“I'm not doing that. I don't want to lie to you. I just don't want you to feel like you're failing everyone by not doing it. That's completely out of your will, you know that?”

Reluctantly you nodded. You longed mightily for his words to be a relief, but the storm of emotions didn't go away. On the contrary, the mess inside you grew much bigger. You seemed to feel things far more powerful than your mind could handle.

“The point is, I wish I could learn to handle it all. Because maybe that's the way back to what it was before. By learning to handle it, I'd also stop feeling like I'm going to explode just because you look at me or because you don't.”

“That might be true,” Bucky agreed with you, cocking his head to one side, and for the first time in several minutes his body moved across the room. He seemed to want to move closer to you, and you felt the entire space around you shrink into a small room. The distance was monumentally disastrous, and you didn't know if you wanted him farther away or closer. “Maybe surrounding yourself with familiar things might help you remember, do you want us to try?”

With the tone of voice he was managing, you didn't know if you were sure what he was referring to. You watched his body move closer and closer until you were barely a step away. As you watched him closer, you could tell more closely that he wore an expression you had never known before. He was so very, very relaxed, his eyelids drooping a little lower over his eyes; you didn't even notice any trace of the wrinkles that hinted that he was worried, stressed or confused. No, that expression was confident and calm, the way you feel just after taking a shower before going to bed. It was that kind of domestic, familiar, homey calm that provided the certainty of knowing you were in a safe place.

The Bucky you saw in front of you must have been the one he used to be before the accident.

“And how would we do that?” you could barely muster.

Bucky cocked his head to one side and grimaced as if he was thinking very hard about an answer. His gesture brought a smile to your face. Despite the tension that had suddenly formed between you, you didn't feel the need to run away. Rather, you felt enveloped, precisely, in a safe place.

“I could accompany you on a tour of the city.”

And the idea didn't strike you as crazy at all. In fact, when he had mentioned it, the only person you had thought you might ask had been him.

And you had thought that would be the most extravagant thing you could say to him.

“How about it?” Bucky added to his suggestion, a small lopsided smile gracing his face.

“Sounds like a good idea,” you nodded, your own smile lighting up your face.

The man in front of you nodded, that sense of reassurance never leaving him for a moment. You felt as if you were inside a bubble of unwavering peace.

“Would tomorrow be okay?” Bucky asked.

You pretended to think about it the same way he had before.

“Let me check with my schedule. You know I have very busy days.”

The laugh you drew from his mouth felt like the biggest of prizes. Still apprehensive to accept those emotions, even your mind yielded to the power of Bucky Barnes' melodious laugh. Your defenses were nil at that moment.

“All right. Fair enough.”

And in less than a second, he turned around to walk back in the direction of the door. You felt a chill run through you from the space he had been occupying in front of you.

“When you get your answer, you know where to find me.”

And he walked out of the room. That time you couldn't stop him.

You stood there for several seconds staring at the door trying to process what had happened. You felt like you had just come out of a trance and were experiencing the aftermath one after another without respite.

Your mouth also felt dry.

When you regained consciousness and came out of that space in your head, you began to make your way out of the room. Strangely you felt that something was missing. The interaction you had had with Bucky had felt like deja vu. And now that it was over it felt almost wrong.

You walked in the direction of the exit from that wing of the Complex that led directly to an entrance to the section where you were staying. On your way, you kept repeating Bucky's expressions and in the end his tone of voice so calm, so familiar and so unfamiliar that it had your heart doing somersaults.

You didn't even know at what point the whole situation turned against you. First you came completely reluctant to still accept that there was a part of you that seemed to act instinctively when Bucky was near, only to end up just inches away from him accepting that basically you could still perceive those love-related emotions that you didn't know how to interpret. But you wanted to, of course, you had to make that clear to him.

Your mind for the first time was at ease and your heart felt like it was where it belonged. Your guard was so low that you couldn't even foresee what would happen next.

Your vision went white, accompanied by an extremely sharp pain in the back of your head. You could barely groan from the pain as your knees gave way under the weight of your body and you fell to your knees a few feet from the door.

You felt your little heart pumping blood to its maximum capacity, but you couldn't process what was happening.

You closed your eyes tightly, a thunderous beeping sound echoed in your ears.

Suddenly all your senses were magnified exponentially. The ground above your knees felt so scratchy that even through the fabric of your jean you could feel the friction of the material with the dust molecules. What little wind you could feel coming directly from the air conditioner sounded so loud in your ears that it began to dull the sound of the deafening beeping. You didn't know how your vision was, but closing your eyes so tightly caused a strange pain in your eyelid and it didn't take long for the tears to start building up and sliding freely down your cheeks.

You didn't understand what the fuck was going on.

The only thing you remembered was Bucky in a million scenarios. A bunch of images all projecting at the same time inside your head. A hundred words and sighs. A countless amount of sensations.

You felt and perceived everything at the same time.

Until everything was silence and darkness.

--

Tag: @stray-npc

[victorckk]

I have FINALLY finished all of Blythe’s information!! I said a while back that I would post it, and here I am finally delivering.

Most of these are edited Canva templates, so some of it might look or be a little wonky. I also added his reference sheet.

His backstory is long, so you’ll find that under the cut.

Blythe’s backstory mentions abuse and religion used as manipulation by family members. While I did not go into specific details, please still read with caution. You can also skip the first three sections of his backstory if those topics make you uncomfortable.

1.

Blythe was born to Samara and Cornelius Jinx. Cornelius was from a family of strictly witches, while Samara was from a family full of diverse hybrids. Cornelius was left to raise Blythe by himself, due to ‘unknown’ complications with Samara. It wasn't until Blythe was a toddler that Cornelius had finally started to show his true colors. With the Jinx family being strictly witches for so long, Blythe was considered odd, and a burden to Cornelius' career as a jewelmaker by the rest of the family, and even by Cornelius himself.

2.

Cornelius would say and do unspeakable things, all while blaming Blythe for ruining his reputation within the Jinx family. However, once Blythe was old enough, he started being forced to join the family’s meetings. These meetings were to worship the family’s Archivist predecessor, and Cornelius used these meetings to rid himself of the mistake of ruining the family’s lineage. Blythe’s presence was eventually implemented into these meetings. He had to recite the family’s various historical texts, pass a few trials, and even become branded with the family’s star symbol. He was taught to only believe in the Archivists, the stars, and the newfound preacher, Belos. The Jinx family believed that instead of Belos communicating with the Titan, he was actually communicating with the Archivists, and using the Titan as a cover up.

3.

What Blythe didn’t know, is that his family was preparing him as a sacrifice for their predecessor. He was unaware of their plans until his aunt, Shannon, stepped in and took him in. Blythe didn’t know much about Shannon, other than she was disowned by the family for refusing to accept the way they presented themselves to the Boiling Isles. She was sweet and different from the rest of the family, but Blythe still had a difficult time trusting her, which was entirely understandable. Shannon was patient with Blythe, and knew he still needed time to adjust to everything. She even taught him how to write his own name, something he had never done before.

With Shannon’s help, Blythe eventually became an author, mainly to help him cope with the experiences he had. A few of his novels became quite popular, and he even grew a small fan base. He would soon notice the Boiling Isles was changing drastically years later, though. Witches and demons were forced to join Covens. However, there was one Coven which caught Blythe’s attention.

4.

The Emperor's Coven was claimed to be one for only the strongest, and Blythe decided to sign up to duel with another participant. Everyone was aware of his family’s lack of magic, but Blythe wasn’t going to let that stop him. What Blythe didn't know, is that the Emperor himself attended to choose the participants who he deemed worthy enough. Nonetheless, Blythe had come prepared. When it was Blythe's turn to engage in a duel, he took his opponent by surprise.

Blythe used his physical strength and agility to take the opponent down. Once Blythe's duel was finished, the Emperor stood from where he was sitting. He requested to duel with Blythe himself as a test, as Blythe had not used magic. He did put up a bit of fight, but Blythe was eventually defeated due to exhaustion. Emperor Belos was still quite impressed with how strong and efficient Blythe was, and offered him a role in his Coven as a scout, to which Blythe accepted. Blythe was given the status of the Emperor's personal guard years later due to his physical strength, and was given an Emperor Coven staff to make up for the lack of magic. He spent most of his time following Emperor Belos around, making sure no harm came to the monarch. Aside from this, Blythe was also assigned as a sailor during oversea missions to gather the parts Emperor Belos needed for his plans.

SEASON 1

Blythe refuses to bring attention to himself when it comes to the Emperor’s matters, refusing to accept a royal title for personal reasons. However, that doesn’t stop the Golden Guard, Blythe’s fan base, and even the rest of the Boiling Isles from using the Emperor title on him.

Blythe occasionally has to deal with Luz -or the entire Hexside gang- following him around Bonesborough and asking questions about the Emperor.

Blythe keeps his friendship with Eda a secret, as he is very aware of the Emperor’s tantrums. During his time off he’ll visit Eda for a game of cards, or to tell her about how his novels (or family) are coming along.

After Luz makes herself known across the Boiling Isles due to various incidents, Blythe becomes quite curious about her predicament. He introduces himself to her during a book fair event at Hexside, to which she notices his Emperor Coven insignia and she later on finds a portrait of Blythe and the Emperor in the Bonesborough Library, which sparks her curiosity.

He then has to deal with her following him around to make sure he isn’t pulling any schemes; shocked to find out that he genuinely is not.

SEASON 2

Blythe starts promoting a new novel, which has led to a bunch of witches and demons putting up posters and other promotional material. Some posters and flyers include Emperor Belos on them. Luz is still confused about why the two are usually seen together on promotional material, and eventually remembers the portrait she saw in the Library.

Luz asks Hunter -who has joined the Hexside group by then- where she could possibly find Blythe to ask him some questions, to which Hunter decides to go with her after revealing some places that they might find him in. The duo finds Blythe at the library that had just been closed, and they sneak in.

However, Blythe is very aware of the two sneaking around and he sends his palisman -Hesper- to find them. When Hesper does, she brings them back to Blythe, who gives them a huge warning about breaking in and meddling in things that they shouldn’t be.

At this point, Luz confronts Blythe about what he’s doing in the library, to which Blythe tells her about how he is currently the manager. They all converse for a while about the Emperor’s Coven’s plans, until Hunter unintentionally reveals certain details about Blythe and Emperor Belos, much to Luz’s surprise.

During the Day Of Unity, Blythe is unaffected as he was never given a sigil due to his lack of magic, along with the reasoning that the Emperor was fond of him. Blythe was aware of the consequences, but he doesn’t show any remorse or regret once the event starts to happen. All that matters to him is he and the Emperor making it to the Human Realm together.

However, it doesn’t go as planned, as Blythe is left behind in the Demon Realm.

SEASON 3

Blythe is in the Archives, playing the role of a father to the Collector. He doesn’t mind, as he always treated Collector with kindness and respect. He plays his role fairly well, so much to the point that the Collector even appointed Blythe to play the role of King’s father. Blythe spends his time telling them stories and playing games with them, doing anything he can to keep the Collector happy.

Once Philip returned back to the Boiling Isles, Blythe was encased near the Titan’s heart; Philip’s last resort to keep Blythe safe and to potentially use him as a vessel once he finished destroying the Demon Realm.

Blythe was unaware of the situation that was happening outside of the encasing, until he was unintentionally freed, and unintentionally stabbed through the heart by Hunter after stepping in to protect Belos from the attack. After protecting Hunter from Belos’ wrath for so long, Blythe had become something like a father figure to him, and it absolutely destroys Hunter from the inside out.

Once Belos is finally defeated, Hunter ends up bonding with Hesper and she becomes a messenger for the Boiling Isles’ future exchange program. Despite Blythe being viewed as a monster by the rest of the survivors of the whole ordeal, Hunter has dedicated a small area in the forest to him.

[texasjen13]

Plain and simple: Don’t like my Tarot blog posts move along!

Want to talk about God and religious matters fine. I’m a preachers daughter I can talk religion as well. I have done tarot readings on myself, family and friends. And they ended up being true.

Nobody is forcing you to believe anything that tarot tells you. Just like nobody’s forcing you to believe in God if you don’t want to to each their own, and that’s everybody’s prerogative.

Every reader is different and it is for entertainment purposes! That’s why I don’t charge!

That is why I do my readings as a relaxing mechanism, and for request only. But I know sometimes 99.9% of the time my readings end up being true only because I’ve done readings on myself, my friends, and my family members! And even though they don’t come true, right away, they eventually will come true three months later, on down the line.

Because tarot is not only a person‘s energy, but it’s a person’s past present and future energy. Again, nothing is set in stone and it can always change because of a person’s free will.

Tarot is all about energy : energies can change, and energy is fluent! And nothing is set in stone because it’s always changing. So take what resonates and leave the rest and don’t try to make it fit if it doesn’t! 

Have a nice day. I’m off this app for the rest of the day only because I have a life.

But then you have kids who think they know how to read cards but they don’t so they just make stuff up😂😂🙄🙄🙄. Because I had an anonymous person who came attacking me and said she, or he did a reading on me, but it was so far off it was hilarious, so I figured they were just a kid trying to outshine.😂😂😂😂. So yeah, just use your intuition, use your common horse sense  that God gave you because you get these little kids who think they know shit and they technically don’t know shit because they don’t take the time to study and to know shit.😂😂😂

I’ve actually taken to time to study tarot, I’ve read books about tarot, study all each individual card and their zodiac signs and their meanings so I don’t take it as a game like some of these kids to just say they do it and they get everything wrong. Don’t get me wrong. There are serious readers as well.

[podcastpreacherman]

The Weapons Of God Sep 03 2024 - So, you might ask hey Podcast Preacher when are you going to finish your top ten messages? And I would say eventually, but because time does not stand still and I try with everything in me to provide “right now” needed messages to my listeners and doers, and God is the decisive one in whom I try and follow. My past looks like the Mulholland drive as I tried to as much as I could be the Christian I was called to be. I will tell you now, that, no doubt many of my listeners are stronger Christians than I. God didn’t reveal this Podcast opportunity to the most qualified. Hey, I didn’t even know what a Podcast was, when I got the word to launch it by three different people. So, but also so that you do not underestimate my calling and purpose, God uses people like me to do the extraordinary, and I know I better place a reference least some of you think I just fell into pride:1 Cor 1:18-31 - 18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written:“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, And bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.”How can someone who depends on their degree and higher education understand this without some level of feeling some futility in the whole educational mess. I am not against schooling, just the institutions that are not really in it to equip all people in their strengths and talents equipping them to be the best version of themselves.20 Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? 21 For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. 22 For Jews request a sign, and Greeks seek after wisdom; 23 but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, 24 but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

[destinyimage]

7 Signs of the Antichrist: These Things Herald the Rise of the Beast

There are more than one hundred passages in Scripture that describe the antichrist.

There are less than fifty about Adam. Again and again, God gives explicit details about who this man of mystery is—without, of course, identifying him by name. His characteristics, his intention, and his agenda are obvious, but much of the Church, like an ostrich, sticks its head in the sand and tries to ignore the eventuality of his appearing. I don’t say this to scare you, but to prepare you. I don’t want to make you anxious, but I want to make you aware. We must watch and pray. Being prepared, being aware, watching and praying will bring us the peace and hope that God has for us individually and for the Church as a whole. John, from his first letter, says it this way:

Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God: and every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world. Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world (1 John 4:1-3 KJV).

The Church has often assumed that the he John is referring to is the devil, but that is not entirely correct. The he John has in mind is the spirit of antichrist. Understand that there is a man who is coming who will be possessed by the devil, a master of the occult—indeed, of all the satanic arts. He may be an atheist, an agnostic, or what is more likely, he may act as though he is a deeply religious person. (He undoubtedly will be, but not in the manner that most people think of religion.)

He will be quick to pervert everything that comes under his influence.

He will be involved in every sin imaginable while acting like a model citizen.

He will deceive many.

That man is coming, but before he appears, John tells us very plainly that the antichrist spirit “is already in the world.” John also gives us some specific markers by which we can identify that spirit.

It will deny that Jesus came in the flesh by means of the virgin birth.

It will deny the relationship between Jesus and the Father.

It will deny the reality of the Trinity.

It will deny that Jesus is God.

You may be wondering how people can give any measure of credibility to a person who pretends to be religious yet who denies what seem to be obvious truths about God. How is it possible that he wins the unstinting allegiance of multitudes when what he is advocating is so blatantly false?

One reason is that so many, even among those who claim to be believers, are unfamiliar with basic Bible doctrines. They are strangers to the Bible themselves, and can we blame them? They never heard the truths of the Word of God from the pulpit either because the preacher was preoccupied with more important issues or he was terrified to touch on it himself.

People are becoming numb to Gospel Truth. They have heard so many diverging arguments regarding God or the Bible on social media that they essentially have stopped listening. When someone comes along and presents them with a candy-coated gospel while offering to drink a beer or smoke weed with them, they are ready to get on board regardless of what the leader is saying, and no matter how outrageous it may seem.

Another reason for the success of the antichrist’s advent is his skillful and selective use of propaganda as a tool of persuasion. Do you think social media outlets have become adept at manipulating data to promote certain narratives and discredit others? Wait until the antichrist harnesses the power of advanced AI capabilities to control what you hear. He will make all past and current efforts at media manipulation look like child’s play.

The Herald of the Antichrist’s Coming

Perhaps the greatest factor that leads to the antichrist’s acceptance is the spirit of antichrist that is preparing the way for him. John the Baptist was the herald of Christ’s coming. The antichrist will also have a clever and capable master of information manipulation who will twist his lies into a semblance of the truth. This character is identified as the false prophet in Revelation 19:20. He will make Joseph Goebbels, Valenti Beria, and Mao’s misinformation minions look like rank amateurs in comparison. The worldview he will sell people is social- ism. It will not be a difficult task for many, since they have already succumbed to the siren song of socialist doctrine. They will need little persuasion since what the antichrist will offer them is something they have already bought into. They don’t realize that it is a deal with the devil, and their part of the wager is their eternal soul.

Please don’t think that I am saying that because socialism will be a major factor in preparing the way for the antichrist’s advent that capitalism is the only economic system that is of God. God’s ways are not man’s ways. What God has in mind for the earth is neither capitalism nor socialism, but an economic system designed by the One who created it and ultimately owns it all.

What I am saying is that socialism has a fundamental flaw that makes it unworkable when it comes to equal outcomes for human beings. It is this: a foundational premise of socialism is that man is essentially good. The only things that are blocking man’s continuing quest for perfection are inequities in the human condition caused by the lust for money and power. All men need to do to experience perfection is to give all their money and power to the state, so that the state can distribute resources equitably to all.

When anyone has the temerity to remind the current crop of socialists that their preferred worldview has a terrible track record of mayhem, disaster, and blood, they are undaunted in their quest for utopia. They claim that the benighted despots of the past did not have the advantages available to us in the 21st century. Now, they say, we can do socialism the way it is supposed to be done, and success will be inevitable. In the meantime, if a few million people die, that is a small price to pay for saving the planet. They maintain that there are too many useless eaters anyway. This is the current position of the World Economic Forum and its false prophet, Yuval Noah Harari. They are maneuvering to take hold of the levers of power, and America’s leaders seem to be falling in line.

I understand that there is more to socialist doctrine than this, but I am emphasizing the aspect of socialism that requires men to believe that they are basically good and capable of perfection as a result of their own effort. This is a lie that is conclusively refuted by the testimony of human history, the clear record of the Bible, and the perfect plan of redemption.

This idea of men achieving perfection by submission to the all-powerful, benevolent state qualifies socialism to be a main tenet of the antichrist’s doctrine, since he will seek to control the apparatus of power, and he will eventually become the personification of the state. If people are already conditioned to submit to the state, that will make his job much easier, since less persuasion or coercion will be required for them to give their allegiance to him.

Socialist doctrines and dogma are advancing all around us. It seems that every day’s headlines bring us another outrageous proposal or policy that would have been laughed to scorn or mercilessly mocked a generation or even a decade ago. Now they seem to be standard operating procedure in many places. This is not a right or left issue or a matter of adherence to a political party. The conflict goes much deeper than that. It involves an ongoing and intensifying battle for the souls of men.

The antichrist spirit is better known for what it denies than for what it advocates. As I mentioned earlier, this spirit will deny the virgin birth, which we must believe to be saved. It denies the relationship between the Father and Jesus, as well as the person of the Holy Spirit, attacking the Trinity as an unworkable concept, since it cannot be understood by the rational mind. It will deny that Jesus is God. The antichrist spirit may give Jesus credit for being a good man or a prophet, but it denies Him as the only substitute for the sin of man. The antichrist spirit loves religion but has a problem with Jesus Christ. Remember, this spirit wants to either remove Jesus or replace Jesus.

This is what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 15. He writes of fighting a wild beast at Ephesus. He was never thrown into an arena where he fought actual beasts. He was referring to the antichrist spirit. He said he fought the beast in Ephesus, and there he saw a mighty revival.

Today, you are fighting the beast in your daily life. You feel the pressure and the stress on your family, in your finances, in your relationships, and in your ability to witness your faith. In addition to all the natural circumstances that come against you, there is an antichrist spirit that opposes your efforts to succeed in fulfilling your God-given purpose.

Second Thessalonians was written by the great apostle Paul to the church of Thessalonica. The occasion of his letter to them was that he got word that they had received a letter as though it was written by him. Someone had forged a letter, signed it from Paul, and sent it to them. (Having an account hacked is not a recent phenomenon.) The letter told them, among other things, that they had missed the blessed hope and catching away of the saints. He wrote to reassure them and to remind them of what he had told them when he was personally present with them. The Book of 2 Thessalonians also contains an urgent emphasis on the last days, and it warned the Church to beware of those who had doctrines different from Paul’s on that subject. Here is one important passage:

Now we beseech you, brethren, by the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, and by our gathering together unto him. That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be trou- bled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand. Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition; Who opposeth and exalteth himself above all that is called God, or that is worshipped; so that he as God sitteth in the temple of God, shewing himself that he is God.

Remember ye not, that, when I was yet with you, I told you these things? And now ye know what withholdeth that he might be revealed in his time. For the mystery of iniquity doth already work: only he who now letteth will let, until he be taken out of the way. And then shall that Wicked be revealed, whom the Lord shall consume with the spirit of his mouth, and shall destroy with the brightness of his coming: Even him, whose coming is after the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders (2 Thessalonians 2:1-9 KJV).

The apostle Paul shows us that the antichrist is constantly trying to emerge on the world scene. However, there is a restraining force that is hindering the antichrist from being revealed and taking his place of power. That restraining force is the Holy Ghost-filled, fire-baptized Church of Jesus Christ. The Spirit of God within you is a restraining force holding back the plague, holding back the pestilence, holding back the depression, holding back the divorce, holding back the complete collapse of the economy, and so much more. You are the restrainer through the power of the Holy Spirit. You are pushing back against the antichrist spirit—and no weapon formed against you will prosper.

The only antidote to the spirit of antichrist is the real Christ within you, who is the hope of glory. Through the Spirit of God, you are empowered to proclaim the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ everywhere you go. Your influence in your family, your home, your community, and your workplace are all impediments that make it impossible for the antichrist to enact his agenda as long as you are on the earth. You are still here, and that is why he is not here—yet.

You are the antichrist’s worst nightmare!

[leonbloder]

Pleasing God Isn't The Point

Growing up in the evangelical, fundamentalist wing of the Church, I was taught some things that I still cherish to this day.  I memorized Scripture, learned Bible stories, and developed a sense of the importance of a faith community. 

I also learned to love some old, wonderful hymns that have been part of the Christian tradition for centuries. I also developed an affinity for energetic, passionate, and engaging preaching. 

While the content and theology of the sermons from my youth were often pure, hot garbage (putting it mildly), I always loved a good sermon delivered with enthusiasm and great illustrations.  

Those early influences are why I never read my sermons, and I have a particularly "evangelical" delivery when I preach.  

I often write about all of the negative aspects of that upbringing, and there are plenty of those to write about, to be sure.  But there were good things, too, and for the most part, I've let go of what was unhealthy and continue to hold on to the healthy and helpful things. 

But there is one of those unhealthy things that I have had difficulty shaking in my faith journey, which has to do with my relationship with God, particularly what God wants from me. 

I grew up thinking that all God wanted from me was blind obedience.  I was told to please God in everything I did or suffer the consequences.  

As a boy, I thought God was much like the Incredible Hulk from the 1970s show I loved to watch.  In the TV show's opening credits, Dr. David Banner (who turns into the Hulk when agitated) tells the reporter who constantly hounds him, "Don't make me angry; you wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Even though the Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, and preachers of my youth would cursorily say that God loved us, they more frequently said something like, "Don't make God angry; you won't like God when he's angry." 

I frequently had visions of God getting mad at me and wrecking my life the way that the Incredible Hulk would wreck a room, a truck, or some bad guys.

Obviously, there were some problems with this way of thinking, and eventually (like a lot of other former evangelicals), I found myself no longer believing in that kind of God. 

But still, after all of these years and everything I've learned in my faith journey, I sometimes wonder if I'm somehow being punished by God when something bad happens in my life.  This always surprises me, considering I fired that God so long ago. 

As it turns out, those old feelings are hard to shake, and I  know I'm not the only one who feels them.  People frequently come to me for guidance or counsel, and I'll hear the familiar refrain, "I feel like God is punishing me for some reason."

The fact of the matter, at least in my opinion, is that we tend to inflict all of the punishment on ourselves; God has nothing to do with that.  In fact, God is constantly trying to show us that God is full of grace, love, and forgiveness and that none of those ever run out.  

We refuse to look around us to see any signs of God's true feelings toward us, though, especially when feeling low.  

I read a beautiful quote from Alice Walker's The Color Purple once and wrote it down to share one day.  Here it is: 

People think pleasing God is all God cares about.  But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.  

There is so much in that one line, typical of Walker.  She offers a new way to understand God that is bigger and more all-encompassing than the vision of God as an angry judge waiting to sentence us for all our wrongdoings. 

But we can see something completely different when we look around us and pay attention to where God's presence and shalom are in the world.  

First, when we look around us, we are raising our gaze beyond the six inches in front of our face, which is where most of us tend to stare when we are going through hardships. 

And then we widen our gaze; we are more likely to see God's truth, beauty, and goodness both in our world and within our hearts.  We can see how God always tries to "please us back," this revelation can transform us.  

In the Westminster Catechism from the 17th century, the question was posed, "What is the chief end of man?" The answer in the Catechism was this simple: "To glorify and enjoy God forever." 

This is how we should view our relationship with God.  Our purpose is to reflect the glory and goodness of God to the world around us and to actually enjoy God in the doing.  

If you were taught to go through life worrying about messing up or being out of God's will for your life and that your actions would make God angry at you, let that hot garbage theology go. 

God is constantly doing whatever it takes to gain your attention to show you how much you are loved, how valuable and cherished you are, and that you are forgiven, set free, and loosed on the world to help shine the light of God's Kingdom wherever you go. 

May this knowledge bring you hope and peace.  

And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and always. Amen.  

[liopleurodean]

Season 3, Episode 4: Sin City

Yay, nuns

Spooky

Even spookier

That was... an interesting scream

If anyone could do it...

Fair enough

Interesting

That's sad

Welp, that's a sure sign

Margaritaville... or Sin City? (okay I'll stop)

Yeah. Sister

A succubus, huh? That must have been fun

A little too much, even for Dean

Literally

This'll be fun for Dean

Keep your eyes up

Sure you do

Yikes

What were you doing at the devil's sacrament?

Cool priest

Uh oh

At least the bartender kept her cool

No they are not

What's Richie getting himself into?

Kinky

And he's dead

I don't like this. It's too peaceful

Oh, Ruby. That's okay then

Well, that meat suit is dead

Suspicious

I think he knows

Ah, banter

He knows exactly what he's doing

Get out of there, Sam

Awkward

Sam, just...just go

Nice

What...

Well, there goes the book

Who is that?

Yeah, but he's got friends on the outside

He doesn't have it memorized

Hey, Dean's got his own brand of smarts

Huh. Did not see that coming

I guess so

He really changed his tune

Savage

Huh. That's a new one

Man, I really can never tell if this show hates or loves Christians (hate. Definitely hate)

Huh.

Sulfur

He will. Eventually

Yeah, well. Chuck likes to call himself hands-off

Something's up with that preacher

Who do demons believe in? Amara?

Pfft. Lucifer. Not even on the same level as Chuck, come on

Okay. Counterpoint. Have demons ever done anything good? (Aside from Ruby)

Even demons hate Hell (rip Dean)

Sam. Stop being awkward

Family business

I knew he was too cool to be a priest

Yeah, I wouldn't either

Bonding time with a demon

This doesn't hit when it's coming from a demon

Pretty sure the roles are reversed there

Fair enough

Finally got the name

I don't know what they expected

I'm genuinely not sure if you should thank God for that

Ominous

They tied, actually

Hey, the Colt's back in the game!

Disappointing, but not surprising

Huh. Weird

A demon with a heart

I think they would've preferred to stay together anyway

Yeah, leave that to the feds for now

Don't think too hard about it, Dean

Back when they cared about the meat suits

Turncoats are a thing

Aw, don't kill your wife!

Ominous

[decadentbearbird]

I want you to know, that I think a lot about your trigun AU. I want to know more, I want to consume it like a fine wine.

Oh god oh jeez oh man someone's asking about preacher au uh oh get READY FOR AN ESSAY.

Vash's story is pretty much the same, wandering peaceful gunslinger chased by a violent shadow, blew up a city once by accident and that guilt keeps him awake at night. Wolfwood... That's where we deviate, obviously. He's still a little forgotten ditch baby taken in by the orphanage and then trained by eye of michael/chapel, with the skills of an assassin and gifted that bigass punisher, but he manages to escape it before he's set on the path to chase Vash and sort of just... Rolls around on his own for a while trying to find a purpose. He ends up finding more struggling kids than he can hold and learns that if he plays up the priest part people treat him better, so by bringing these two things together he can build his own little pocket of the world where these kids can get some stability.

He ends up in a bordertown called Red River, not for the existence of a rare and mythical body of water nearby but because of a big tradgey decades ago which cursed the town to be poor and rough, the only spot he can afford to set up in- and he builds a pretty good community there, starting first with an orphanage and then building the church around it as he learns people help out more when he dangles divine reckoning over their heads. The town's divided by how they feel about him because he's jovial and approachable and a priest, but he also gets into fistfights at the bar a lot and once shot a guy (the sheriff, nonetheless) in the leg. He's known to be friendly and a lil rough.

I am working on a comic based around the AU but like all my project it's mostly staring at a canvas and hoping things appear there.

Then one day Vash the Stampede tumbles though town. He's got bandits on his tail chasing him for the bounty, they get a few good shots off on him and he's forced to take refuge instead of running and crashes into the church, intending to disappear in the pews and clutter and meets our priest who begrudgingly lets him hide in the confessional. Wolfwood scares the outlaws off with promises about the Lords judgement and the look of someone who would very much shoot these guys if they don't listen. With Vash injured, he stays in Wolfwoods company to lick his wounds and repay the favour for shelter by helping out with odd repairs and entertaining the kids (he is their jungle gym). They have a drink together, and realise pretty fast that they're BFFs from the start.

Everyone in town hates Vash, he showed up in a firefight, full of bullets and covered in blood, they're certain he's here for malicious reasons and is taking advantage of free hospitality. They find sneaky ways to try and drive him out of town, mostly by bullying him and being just generally mean. He gets punched a few times, but unfortunately for them pacifist Vash won't react in a way that'd warrant his ass getting kicked out of town, and Wolfwood's ready to throw hands any time he catches someone being cruel to him.

Eventually the anxiety of sitting in one spot for too long catches up to Vash and he moves on, but he returns at random to catch up for a drink, staying only long enough to avoid the danger nipping at his heels. Wolfwood gets letters signed by VTS, each one with a cute little bird trinket the outlaws found on his travels. He's getting a collection.

It's a surprisingly big AU despite the fairly simple setting, we've got a lot of characters involved who hassle Vash/love WW, nearing 150k of words in planning... Vash has suspicions about who Wolfwood really is in his past and why the man carries a pistol beneath his cassock, he knows that big cross has a mysterious story to it from the way Wolfwood detests it. Wolfwood still doesn't believe Vash is the legendary outlaw, and things might just turn sour as they uncover each others secrets...

That's the extent of it without me breaking out the charts and concept board 😂 we're really engrained in this AU at the moment, Wolfwood being a Mostly Good Boy trying to make the world better in his crappy little way, and Vash stumbling through the centre of it with no intention to make chaos but it finding him anyway. Plus! Wolfwood is really fun to draw in a cassock... Here's a gift of some more sketches.

and THANK YOU for asking!! I love asks and I love that you're interested in this au!!

[peninkwrites]

🧠💻?

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

OKAY I have been waiting to ramble about this one!! I guess I'm just on an AU kick lately, first the Mafia AU, and the other idea I have is an au based on the show In The Flesh, which is a show about gay zombies that got cancelled after 2 seasons.

Basically, "there was a brief zombie apocalypse until they found a way to cure the dead, but now the dead have to reckon with being alive again in a world taught to kill them."

And what made me think Oh My God I Can Make An AU is. Well. The protagonist is a depressed artist who killed himself, leaving behind his loving parents, including his father who found his body, and specifically his younger sibling who Hates him for abandoning them.

Do you see where this is going. Do you see it.

Now obviously that's crime boys, Phil, and instead of a mom they have Techno, their cool uncle who lived with them and helped them weather the apocalypse.

Other relevant characters include Tubbo, a volunteer to secretly help treat the undead in a small conservative town that would much rather shoot a resurrected person. One he grows especially close to is Ranboo, an undead who wears a mask to hide the signs of decay on his face. There's Quackity, an undead who refuses to hide that he is such (the expectation is contacts and makeup to look alive) who is already struggling because he came home to find while dead the two men he loved got married without him, (what were they supposed to do? he was dead, they still love him they just had to move on) and who will eventually befriend Wilbur. Potential antagonists include Dream as the undead prophet who believes it is their right as the chosen resurrected to kill the living and Schlatt as the fanatical preacher who believes the resurrected are demons sent from hell and should be put down. Etc. These ideas only exist in my brain. Compels me though.

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

I don't do much research. For the Mafia AU I probably should, (the only thing I've really done is double check what technology existed in the 70s and what things should cost with inflation) but the only deep dive I did was. well. how decomposition worked for tddd. That was a gruesome wormhole. I remember my roommate looking over my shoulder when I was researching for chapter 12 like wtf. Which was fair. I was reading some crazy articles. Chapter 12 could have been so much worse.

[inkandpen22]

Permanent Chaos (5/?)

Pairing: MGK x Female!Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: none

Part Summary: Colson and Y/N talk over coffee and Colson shows her a hint of what it’s like to be a part of his world. 

Masterlist

The Starbucks in the courtyard has since emptied out with everyone having to return to work after their breaks. Colson and I are two of the only remaining people inside. My hands are wrapped around cup, it’s nice and warm. I had to remove the lid to cool down the substance. We’ve been going back and forth, sharing facts about ourselves. 

"Have you always wanted to be an actress?” 

Studying the dark brown drink in my cup I recall memories from before I moved here.“No, in all honesty. I never saw myself as an actress.” 

He doesn’t try to hide his surprise. His stunned reaction makes me giggle. 

"If you don’t mind me asking, why do you do it then?” 

I sway my head from side to side. “It sorta just worked out. I was out shopping with my mom one day when I was in high school. Nicole approached us. She was in town on business and encouraged me to at least visit Los Angeles so we could set up a meeting. The next thing I knew I was in auditions and I got my part on The Seasons of Life a few months later.” 

“Wow,” his brows remain raised as he glances down at his drink. “If you weren’t acting what would you be doing?”

Sitting up straight, I remember what I once thought was my dream life. “First I would go to college and…” I wave my hand, dismissing the thought. 

Colson presses for me to say it. “you’d what? Come on!” He chuckles, grinning brightly. 

Rolling my eyes, I tell him. “I’d go to art school.” I bite my lip timidly. “Yeah... that would be nice.” I pick at the cardboard wrap on the cup. 

There’s a comfortable silence between us until I change the subject. “Enough about me! What about you? If you weren’t a singer, where would be right now?” 

He looks over in the distance, almost envisioning where his life would be. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” he shrugs but is pleased, “I’ve always loved music. Being in music allows me to do what I love.” 

I nod, almost impervious of him and his contentment. 

“However,” he adds pointing at me. “If it were up to my parents, I would have some office job probably.” 

"Eh, those jobs are so bland. I vote you stick to concerts," I giggle. 

He laughs and it’s contagious. 

My gaze lands on his arm as he reaches for his coffee. His entire arm is covered in ink. I was taught by my parents to despise tattoos. My mom would say, “why would anyone ever be willing to damage their body like that?” Finn jumped on that bandwagon. Whatever Mom says is considered fact to him. For the longest time, I agreed with them. That is until I met Colson. He was made to have tattoos. 

 I’ve seen many people in this city with tattoos but his aren’t just markings for the body, they’re art. 

“Which one are you interested in?” He questions, watching me as I admire them. 

“All of them,” I mumble, examining each one individually in awe. 

Back where I’m from tattoos are frowned upon quite frankly. When you grow up in a place no different than Pleasantville, that’s what you get. Especially, in South Carolina. 

“Do you have any?” He asks with amusement in his voice. 

I shake my head rapidly, “never in a million years!” Comprehending how he could take my response as an insult I’m quick to explain. “I mean, I would never be allowed.” 

His brows scrunch together. "Never been allowed? You’re an adult. Who’s stopping you?” 

I can’t help but snicker a little. If only it was as simple as he makes it sound. “My parents, brother, Nicole, Steph..." 

Colson narrows his eyes at me as he leans forward in his chair. “You’re your own person. You should be able to make your own decisions.” His argument is lacking and quite frankly too optimistic. 

“It’s complicated…” My eyes fall onto my fingers picking at the cardboard rim of my coffee cup. 

“If you say so… except all of them are keeping you from expressing yourself.” 

I roll my eyes as my lips form a smirk. It’s unbelievable, he makes everything sound so black and white. “You’ll never understand,” I conclude. 

“I understand more than you think.” 

Lifting my eyes up, he stares at me with a sincere expression. 

“Prove it,” I challenge him. 

Based on the change of his features, I have given him exactly what he wants.

"If you say so, Princess," he chuckles, rising from his chair. I stare at him in confusion and he offers me his hand. "You coming?" 

I smirk, slipping my hand into his. He grins and bites down on his lower lip. I'm going to regret this. 

_______________________________________________

Driving around with a guy I’m only acquainted to is completely unlike me. Everyone who knows me would be beyond freaked out at the current scene. It's kind of riveting. 

“We’ve been driving for almost an hour," I snicker. 

“It’ll be worth it, trust me!” 

“Where exactly are we going?” 

“The mystery is half the fun!” Colson enjoys the antics. 

I reach forward and change the radio station. Yungblud's "Parents" plays and I leave it. "Love this song," I mumble to myself. 

Colson glances over me, evidently surprised. "You know Dom's music?" 

"What? Just because you view me as a 'goody-two-shoes' doesn't mean I live under a rock." I giggle and hold my finger for him to wait a second. He chuckles. I begin to rap the lyrics from memory. "Yeah, the teacher fucked the preacher. But then he had to leave her. Had to wash away the sins of a male cheerleader. Hi, nice to meet ya, got nothing to believe in. So let me know when my breathing stops!" 

Colson turns up the volume to blasting and we then shout the chores together. I can’t remember the last time I had the chance to drive with the windows down, blasting music, and acting my age. I’ve forgotten what’s it like to just be a young girl, not working all the time. 

Once the song fades out, he turns down the volume. 

"So, she can rap too!" Colson looks at me, rather impressed. 

I dismiss his compliment with a wave of my hand. "Only if I've listened to a song a dozen times." 

"Not gonna lie, that was hot," he chuckles. 

Warmth rushes to my cheeks and I struggle not to smile. My head rests against the window as I watch the ocean become a blur as we drive down the PCH. 

_______________________________________

Colson drives down the road until there’s a dead end. To my surprise and then confusion, he parks the car. 

“We’re here!" He announces before jumping out of the car. 

There’s nothing here. Bushes, sad-looking trees, and dirt. I watch as he walks over to a clearing between some bushes. 

He peers over his shoulder. “You coming?” 

I take a deep breath and swing open the door. Following him to wherever we are, I spot a sign. 

                                   No Trespassing! 

“Hey Colson, that sign said no trespassing. We should go back.” 

He doesn’t even slow down as he walks down a weak path. “I’ve seen it, they never do anything.” 

With every passing moment, this road trip becomes more and more out of my comfort zone. Nicole and my entire team for that matter have guided me to prefer the indoors these past few years. I can’t remember the last time I spent an entire day outside in nature or not following a schedule. 

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel when the brush ends and the path opens up to a clearing. The sound of waves hitting the cliff before us echoes throughout the area. 

I cautiously step closer to the edge and look down to the bottom. “Wow!” I say to myself breathlessly. 

Colson peers down to the shoreline beside me. He then suddenly removes his jacket and moves on to his shirt. 

My jaw drops and I quickly direct my attention to the coastline far from him. I bring my hand to the side of my face shyly, blocking my sight of him undressing. “What the hell are you doing?” 

He chuckles behind me. I’m glad he can find so much amusement in my discomfort. “Cliff diving!” He says a matter of factly. 

“What! No you couldn’t! It’s illegal in these parts! You could get killed!” 

“Or, I’ll jump, have loads of fun and do it again!” He debates. 

I huff, crossing my arms over my chest. “Fine, you live out your death wish. I won’t be participating!” Whipping around and avoiding even sharing a short glance with him, I stomp toward the direction we came. 

He drops his shirt on top of his jacket in the grass and jogs to catch up to me. He squeezes my shoulder, using the other hand to plea with me. I whip my head around to face him. That's when I notice his tattoo-covered chest. 

“Oh let’s do it, Princess!" He encourages. "It’ll be thrilling! An adventure! Reckless! Something different!” 

Did he just call me Princess? No one has ever called me that and he has twice now. 

Colson takes my hand into both of his and I’m thrown off by the action.  “Be spontaneous with me,” he requests softly. 

Currently, I’m debating with myself. The youthful part of me is screaming ‘hell yes! Let’s do this!’ The businesswoman part of me is wiser than to take such a risk. I check over at the edge again. My willingness to do such a rebellious action is new to me. There’s no one here to see us. Paparazzi isn’t around to take pictures. Perhaps the cause of my newfound bravery is because of him. 

I take a deep breath and nod. “Okay, let’s do it.” 

As if he already knew I would eventually accept, his grin only grows. 

“Well then, I suggest you strip unless you prefer to sit around like a wet dog for the hour ride back.” He winks at me, biting his lower lip. 

In a normal case, I would be insulted by such a forward request but considering where we stand I find it humorous. After thoroughly checking the area for any cameras or strangers, I slip my dress over my head then kick off my wedges. An odd feeling stirs in my stomach and my heart is pounding. My comfort zone is shot to hell. 

Tossing my hair up in a ponytail, Colson scans my appearance. 

“Excuse me Mr. Baker, it’s not nice to stare,” I tease, yanking at my finished ponytail to tighten it. 

Unfazed, he snaps out of it and faces the shore. His hair wisps around in the breeze, falling over his face. The perfect strands are just as light as his eyes. His jawline could cut a diamond. His skin, as smooth as porcelain but covered in various tattoos. 

“Excuse me Miss Voss, it’s not nice to stare,” he repeats my words back to me. 

I snap out of my daze. “Wasn’t staring,” I argue, now turning towards the coast. 

“Nothing to be ashamed of, I know I'm hot.” His lips curve into a loose smirk. 

My time with him is often one big eye roll. I slowly approach the edge of the cliff, peering over. 

“Nervous?” He checks, looking down at the water for himself. 

“Nope." I lie. 

“Scared?” 

“No.” 

“Have you jumped from a cliff before?” 

I exhale deeply. “No.” 

He shifts his body to face me and I flicker my eyes to the side to meet his gaze. 

“And you’re not afraid?” He checks. 

“Not at all,” I admit without hesitation. 

He snickers, whether it be because he’s impressed or he doesn’t believe me. “How come?” 

I shrug, a brief hum for an answer escaping me. “The unknown doesn’t scare me, only challenges me… and I love a challenge,” I wink with a sly grin. 

His warm hand interlocks with mine and I nearly yank mine away yet because of the non-threatening look in his eyes, I stay. In fact, a part of me likes the feeling of his large hand in mine. It makes me feel safer than I have in quite some time. 

“On three” he exhales, staring off into the distance. 

I nod. 

“One," he counts. “Two...”

I exhale. I can't believe I'm doing this! 

"Three!" Colson shouts. 

I jump. Out of instinct, I squeeze Colson’s hand tighter. My voice travels in a scream as the two of us fall towards the crystal blue surface. He was right, this is such a rush! We torpedo into the water and the cold temperatures engulf me. Colson and I lose touch at some point then I kick to the surface. Wiping the excess water from my face, Colson pops up from under the water in front of me. Somehow even when wet and disheveled his hair still appears effortlessly pristine. 

“Wasn't that a rush!” His arm snakes around my waist. 

A part of me is begging for me to protest but I suppress that part of me. Instead, I rest my arms over his shoulders. He takes the opportunity to guide my legs around his waist. Shading my eyes from the sun with my hand I measure the height of where we jumped. 

Still struggling to catch my breath, I can’t help but smile widely. “It was a one-time opportunity!” 

“That’s up to you to decide!” he argues wittily. 

I lower my hand and his blue eyes see right through me. My eyes flicker down to his lips and impulsively, I slam my lips to his. I'm not sure what comes over me, but I needed to kiss him. Colson wastes no time, bringing a hand behind my head, deepening the kiss. We break apart only to catch our breath. 

“I believe you’ll prove to be a bad influence,” I say lightheartedly but between the lines with the utmost seriousness. 

“That depends on how you look at it,” he argues, his breathing inconstant.

Hungrily, he brings his lips back to mine and I melt into it. Colson is everything that’s bad for me. He’s an indulgence that’s disguising itself as a need. He’s toxic and I’m ignoring the warnings. The warmth of his palm radiates onto my face as he cups it. 

Against my lips, he grins. “You were spontaneous! Always be spontaneous!” His words, nearly sounding like a beg, settle in me. 

His crystal blues eyes stare into mine and I can’t help but be addicted. I'm falling for a fairytale.

________________________________________

Masterlist

Tags:  @canyoubuymetoast​ @bri-3530 @asil1652 @andstilltryingtofindmyself @nadia2021 @olafsidehoe @mgkobsessed @fairywriting101 @ferrell-cat @naylanae-0308 @tonystarkswife10 @alexsa56 @brocksbabyyy @stormrider505 @magnificenthumancopangel @sarcasticfangirlus @lilramencup95beech @missyviolet123 @skeleton-gxrl @glitterybearllamaflap @margaritaville20 @amoresixx @thysagclub​ @hockeybabe87​

[moonsquaremars]

Saturn in 9th House

Since my last post got me on the topic of Saturn, I figured it deserved its own post. Personally, I don’t like Saturn all that much in astrology. The symbol is alright ♄ (I was honestly thinking of Jupiter’s at first which is much cooler (･_･;

:readmore:

(ﾟoﾟ;; but I digress. However, the themes of Saturn just do not appeal to me. Responsibility, rigidity… it just makes me think of a stern judge who passes judgment on others without compassionately understanding what they’re going through. I see it as faulty. Rigid, stiff, error prone but powerful enough to reap no consequence. Saturn gives us form, especially our entire earthly life. We get our Saturn return in our late 20s, which I am approaching. So far, I don’t quite understand what people complain about when it comes to Saturn returns, however I’m confident I’ve caught glimpses of it.

There is something to aging that is just uncomfortable and sad. And scary. However, Saturn being in the same sign as when I was born excites me rather than causes dread, cuz then wouldn’t that mean the world and I will be on the same page again?? I mean come on.

Aries. That is the sign with which one of the ring giants resided when I was born one morning in the summer of ninety-six. 9th house is its house. Don’t ask me degrees, cuz im not all into that. I suck at math. But my sun and moon are both at 0° which I find odd… Pluto too…. Anyways.

So my previous post talked about how Saturn in 9th folks like more orthodox and traditional religions, and that rings very true for me. I’ve always felt drawn towards Judaism, was a devout Mormon for a couple years, etc. Another issue of this placement is supposedly existential nihilism, which I’ve also suffered from greatly. I believe it was even enhanced, because my Sun (life, energy) tensely squares my Saturn, which I read can cause a depressive person. Which is also extremely true…

Maybe if I look at what transits were happening when I was 12, because that’s when I first began feeling depressed and suicidal. It was entirely because I was gay, and ashamed and afraid of the point of even living if I was damned to a life of mockery and eternal suffering afterwards. I was deeply depressed all throughout my teenage years because I honestly just grew comfortable with it. Once your brain is so serotonin and dopamine depleted, and you’ve been laying down for hours with absolutely no joy or stimulation whatsoever… you get kinda used to it. I was too scared to admit being depressed to friends and family, so I just dealt with it my own way. I fantasized about suicide often, wrote emo blog posts and journal entries. You know, the works. But I eventually got over it. But I attribute this to sun square Saturn, like Saturn was just draining and zapping the will to live out of me. I finally got over all of this during a church sermon one day, where the preacher of this architecturally lovely church said that perhaps misery is not something we need to run from or avoid, but a ship that must be set sail. And that really spoke to me. Like it gave my depression, my square, meaning and significance, rather than a fluke that needed to be avoided and corrected.

In my post high school life, I struggled to find meaning. I was constantly wondering what the point of everything was, in a way that was more frequent and emotionally taxing than the average guy or gal. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. But I was unhappy. It’s interesting that Saturn in 9th could be what caused that.

For the Aries part of my Saturn, I have less to say. However, I am quite impulsive. I feel like I act more like my draconic sun and moon, sag and aquarius, than I do my natal cancer/virg at times. I’ve always been pretty rebellious as well, which I kind of interpret Saturn in Aries to represent. I’m not sure.

Aries was actually my least favorite sign for quite some time. I don’t exactly have a least favorite sign anymore, but if I had to choose, maybe Libra :P ahh got eem. No but seriously. It wasn’t until I grew close to my friend / former roommate who is an Aries, and had a romantic fling with an Aries or two, that I got over my Aries complex. It’s just like impulsive and childish and insensitive. But since I am a cancer, cancer and Aries naturally square each other apparently. So my feelings are in fact, understandable. Natural, perhaps….

Anyways. Those are my thoughts for now. Perhaps it’s the Aries in me, but the idea of growing up and becoming responsible just seems so sucky to me lol. But as I’m typing this I’m realizing that’s not necessarily the case. I’m turning 26 next month, so I’m not sure when my exact Saturn return will be. But I’ve felt the pang of Saturn a few times in my life. The existential realization that our actions have consequences. It doesn’t always matter what our intentions were, or that we didn’t know, or that somewhere someone loves us. None of that can save us from the hard fist of the law, or from the temperamental and violent nature of other humans. But I am 26, and I am officially no longer a kid or a teenager. I’m an adult. And I feel like I’ve gotten settled, and I’m just getting a peak of what is to come. And I’m less afraid than I was before :)

[frmartinshomiliesandreflections]

2nd May >> Fr. Martin’s Gospel Reflections / Homilies on John 6:22-29 for Monday, Third Week of Easter: ‘Work for food that endures to eternal life’.

Monday, Third Week of Easter

Gospel (Except USA)

John 6:22-29

Do not work for food that cannot last, but for food that endures to eternal life.

After Jesus had fed the five thousand, his disciples saw him walking on the water. Next day, the crowd that had stayed on the other side saw that only one boat had been there, and that Jesus had not got into the boat with his disciples, but that the disciples had set off by themselves. Other boats, however, had put in from Tiberias, near the place where the bread had been eaten. When the people saw that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they got into those boats and crossed to Capernaum to look for Jesus. When they found him on the other side, they said to him, ‘Rabbi, when did you come here?’    Jesus answered:

‘I tell you most solemnly, you are not looking for me because you have seen the signs but because you had all the bread you wanted to eat. Do not work for food that cannot last, but work for food that endures to eternal life, the kind of food the Son of Man is offering you, for on him the Father, God himself, has set his seal.’

Then they said to him, ‘What must we do if we are to do the works that God wants?’ Jesus gave them this answer, ‘This is working for God: you must believe in the one he has sent.’

Gospel (USA)

John 6:22-29

Do not work for food that perishes but for food that endures for eternal life.

[After Jesus had fed the five thousand men, his disciples saw him walking on the sea.] The next day, the crowd that remained across the sea saw that there had been only one boat there, and that Jesus had not gone along with his disciples in the boat, but only his disciples had left. Other boats came from Tiberias near the place where they had eaten the bread when the Lord gave thanks. When the crowd saw that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there, they themselves got into boats and came to Capernaum looking for Jesus. And when they found him across the sea they said to him, “Rabbi, when did you get here?” Jesus answered them and said, “Amen, amen, I say to you, you are looking for me not because you saw signs but because you ate the loaves and were filled. Do not work for food that perishes but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him the Father, God, has set his seal.” So they said to him, “What can we do to accomplish the works of God?” Jesus answered and said to them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in the one he sent.”

Reflections (9)

(i) Monday, Third Week of Easter

In times of conflict and war, truth is often the first casualty. The aggressor in particular will often bend the truth to try and justify what they are attempting to do. The Jewish religious leaders who were hostile to Jesus were equally hostile to his followers who were proclaiming that God had raised Jesus from the dead. In today’s first reading, we hear of their antagonism to Stephen, a gifted preacher. They procured people to falsify what Stephen had said, ‘We heard him using blasphemous language against Moses and against God… This man is always making speeches against this Holy Place and the Law. We heard him say that Jesus the Nazarene is going to destroy this Place’. Although such accusations were essentially false, they would be a significant factor in the eventual death of Stephen by stoning. Jesus once said of himself, ‘I am the truth’. He revealed to us the truth about God, about what it is to be human, about creation. His followers are to be people of truth, who live by the truth that Jesus proclaimed and lived. Because he is the truth, he can satisfy the deep hunger in our hearts for truth. In the gospel reading, Jesus challenges the crowd to come to him not just as someone who can satisfy their physical hunger, which he had recently done, but as someone who can satisfy their deeper hungers, their hunger for truth, for a love that is faithful, for a life that is eternal. ‘Do not work for food that cannot last, but for food that endures to eternal life’. Jesus offers himself to them, and to us all, as one who can satisfy the deepest hungers of our heart. Such hungers will only be fully satisfied at the banquet of eternal life, but in so far as we keep coming to the Lord and opening our hearts to him, our deepest hungers will begin to be satisfied in the course of our earthly lives.

And/Or

(ii) Monday, Third Week of Easter

In the gospel reading this morning, the people come to Jesus looking for more of the bread they ate when Jesus multiplied the loaves and fish. In response, Jesus challenges them to work, not for food that cannot last, but for food that endures to eternal life. In a sense, Jesus is calling on them to get their priorities right, to put most energy into what is ultimately important. Yes, Jesus fed their physical hunger in the wilderness, but more importantly he wants to feed their spiritual hunger, their longing for true life, the life that endures forever, eternal life. Jesus is concerned when people are physically hungry, when their basic physical needs are not being met, but he always leads us beyond the level of the physical, the material, to more ultimate realities. Jesus takes seriously the horizon of this world in which we live and work, but he also shows us another horizon, a horizon that is not of this world. He wants to lead us towards that other horizon; he wants us to be where he now is, so that we can see his glory. If that is to happen, we must believe in him, as he said to the crowds in today’s gospel reading, ‘this is…’ To believe in him is to relate to him as he relates to us, to remain in him as he remains in us.  

And/Or

(iii) Monday, Third Week of Easter

There tends to be a restlessness in all of us. That restlessness drives us to make contact with other people; it often leads us to set out on a journey of one kind or another, whether it is a physical journey, or an inner journey. There is something of the searcher, the seeker, in us all. At the deepest level of our being, we are searching for God. It was Saint Augustine who said that our hearts are restless until they rest in God. In the gospel reading this morning, the people of Galilee set out to look for Jesus. He had fed the multitude in the wilderness; this had made a great impression on them. Jesus was pleased that they came looking for him, but he wanted to refine their search. They looked for him as the giver of bread; Jesus wanted them to look for him as the giver of food that endures to eternal life. As Christians, we are all searching for Jesus in some sense. The gospel reading invites us to pay attention to why we are searching for him. What are we looking to him for? What do we expect from him? Perhaps, like the people of Galilee, our expectations are too small. What Jesus can offer us, more than anything else, is eternal life, a sharing in God’s own life. This sharing in God’s life begins here and now for those who turn to Jesus in faith, and comes to fullness in the life beyond death. 

And/Or

(iv) Monday, Third Week of Easter

In this morning’s gospel reading the crowd, who had been fed by Jesus in the wilderness, go looking for him. To look for Jesus, to search for him, is a good thing. Yet, Jesus suggests to the crowd that they are searching for him for the wrong reasons. They want more of the bread that Jesus provided in the wilderness. They are searching for the material bread that Jesus had given them earlier, rather than for Jesus himself. Yes, Jesus gave them bread in the wilderness to eat, but, more importantly, he himself is the Bread of Life who can satisfy their deepest hunger, their spiritual hunger. In this morning’s gospel, Jesus calls on us to search for him for who he is rather than for what he can give us. The temptation is always to relate to people for what they might be able to give to us rather than relating to them for who they are. We are called to love others for themselves rather than for what we can get from them. What is true of our relationship with others is true to a greater extent of our relationship with Jesus. Rather than seeking the consolations of the Lord we are to seek the Lord of consolation. In the words of this morning’s gospel reading, we are to believe in the one that God has sent.  

And/Or

(v) Monday, Third Week of Easter

In the gospel reading this morning, the people come to Jesus looking for more of the bread they ate when Jesus multiplied the loaves and fish. In response, Jesus challenges them to work, not for food that cannot last, but for food that endures to eternal life. Yes, Jesus fed them in the wilderness, but he has something more to give them, not just physical bread but a deeper and more enduring form of nourishment. As well as physical hungers, we also have deeper hungers within us, spiritual hungers and thirsts. In this morning’s gospel reading Jesus identifies himself as the one who can satisfy these deeper hungers in our hearts, the hunger for God, for a love that is faithful, for a life that endures beyond this life. The Lord will go on in that same chapter of John’s gospel to speak of himself as the bread of life. If we are to experience him as the bread of life, as the one who can satisfy our deepest hungers, we must believe in him, give ourselves to him in trust and faith. When the crowds ask Jesus, ‘What must we do to do the works God wants?’ Jesus replies that this is only one work God wants, to believe in the one God has sent. That is our fundamental calling, to come to the Lord in faith; all else follows from that. Our presence at the Eucharist is one of the primary ways we come to the Lord in faith and open ourselves to his presence as the bread of life. 

And/Or

(vi) Monday, Third Week of Easter

At some level we are all seekers or searchers. We never stand still; we are always looking for more. At the heart of that search for more is a search for God, a search for the Lord who is God with us. At the beginning of today’s gospel reading we find the people of Galilee searching for Jesus. They got into boats by the shore of the Sea of Galilee after Jesus and his disciples and crossed to Capernaum looking for him. When they found Jesus, he addresses them and declares that they are looking for him for the wrong reasons. They want more of the bread that he multiplied in the wilderness. Jesus challenges them to look for him not as the provider of food that cannot last but as the provider of food that endures to eternal life. We can all look for Jesus for the wrong reasons. What we want from him does not always correspond to what he wants for us. What we want from him can be far too limited. He wants to give us what endures and we look for what perishes. We struggle to bring our prayers of petition into line with what the Lord wants to give us. Saint Paul says in his letter to the Romans that we do not know how to pray as we ought. He immediately goes on to say, ‘the Spirit helps us in our weakness’. This Easter season, we ask the Holy Spirit to shape our longing, our desires, so that they correspond more to the Lord’s desire for us. 

And/Or

(vii) Monday, Third Week of Easter

In the gospel reading this morning Jesus makes a distinction between food that cannot last and food that endures to eternal life. He had just fed the people in the wilderness with bread and fish; he was very aware that people’s physical hunger needed to be satisfied. As the people continued to look for more of this physical food, Jesus called on them to look for food that endures to eternal life, food that satisfies the deepest hunger in our lives. Jesus has come not just to give people physical food but to give them the spiritual food of God’s presence, God’s life and God’s Spirit. The gospel reminds us that, while the physical and material is vital because we are physical and material beings, our searching must not stop at the physical and the material. There is a great deal more to life than the satisfaction of our physical needs. We have deeper, spiritual hungers and thirsts as well that we need to attend to if we are to live a truly balanced life and be at peace within ourselves. In the gospel reading Jesus offers himself to us as the one who offers us the food that endures to eternal life. He can satisfy the deepest hungers and thirsts in our hearts. Our seeking must ultimately be directed towards him; it cannot stop at or be satisfied with anything less. 

And/Or

(viii) Monday, Third Week of Easter

It is probably true to say that we are all searching for something. We are all seekers. In today’s gospel reading, the crowd who had been fed by Jesus in the wilderness go to great lengths to seek him out. When they find him, Jesus reveals to them what it is that motivates their seeking. They are looking for more of the bread that Jesus had given them the day before. He tells them, ‘you are looking for me because you had all the bread you wanted to eat’. Jesus challenges them to look for something more enduring. He calls on them to work not just for food that cannot last, the food which satisfies their physical hunger, but to work for food that endures to eternal life, the food that can satisfy their deeper, spiritual, hunger. Jesus was concerned about people’s physical needs, their physical hungers. That is why he took action to feed the crowd in the wilderness when he saw that they were hungry. However, he was just as concerned, if not more concerned, with people’s spiritual hungers. He presents himself to the crowd as someone who can satisfy not just their physical hunger but their spiritual hunger. He wants the crowd and all of us to pay attention to that deeper, spiritual hunger, by believing in him as the one sent by the Father so that we may have life and have ii to the full. This deeper hunger is more easily neglected than our physical hunger. It is also true that just as we can eat poor quality food in an effort to satisfy our physical hunger, we can try to satisfy our spiritual hunger on poor quality fare. In today’s gospel reading, Jesus presents himself as the only one who can truly satisfy the deeper, spiritual, hunger in our lives. 

And/Or

(ix) Monday, Third Week of Easter

In today’s gospel reading, Jesus speaks of two kinds of food, food that cannot last and food that endures to eternal life. He challenges the crowd to reflect on their priorities. Are they working for food that cannot last or for food that endures to eternal life? Jesus takes seriously food that cannot last. Jesus fed the hungry multitude in the wilderness with five loaves and two fish. The basis physical needs of people were very important for him. He fed the hungry, healed the sick; he called on the rich to share with the poor. These basic human physical needs had to be met first. However, having fed the physical hunger of the crowd, some of that crowd now want Jesus to give them more of the same. In response to this preoccupation with Jesus as the provider of physical bread, Jesus speaks of the food that endures to eternal life which he is offering. He is calling on those who have gone looking for him to attend to the deeper hunger in their lives, their spiritual hunger. Jesus presents himself as the one who can satisfy this spiritual hunger. That is why he equates working for the food that endures to eternal life with believing in him. Believing in him is the one work that is required if that deeper hunger in our lives is to be satisfied, the hunger for a love that is unconditional, for forgiveness, for truth, for justice, for peace, ultimately, our hunger for God. We cannot ignore our physical hunger; when we are hungry, we eat. We can ignore those deeper hungers which Jesus alone can satisfy. This is why he draws attention so strongly in today’s gospel to the importance of working for the food that endures to eternal life.

Fr. Martin Hogan.

[kyberphilosopher]

ᴛʜᴇ ᴊᴇʀᴇᴍɪᴀᴅ

“Anakin knew he had to set her free, this beautiful Sith of a woman.”

word count: 2731

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

jer·e·mi·ad/ˌjerəˈmīəd/  jeremiad

a long, mournful complaint or lamentation; a list of woes."the jeremiads of puritan preachers warning of moral decay"

Anakin couldn’t remember when he first started loving you. He only knew that he had seen you at some point, and at some point became so infatuated, he kept an eye out for you at every turn. If you happened to be passing by while he was speaking to Obi-Wan, Anakin’s eyes were trained on you. If you fought together in battle, he would look to see you on the other side. Curiously enough, when he would get glimpses of you, you were always twirling your lightsaber after a kill. 

Anakin felt an enormous amount of guilt about this. He had been entangled with Padme for some time now, and had even married her after the Battle of Geonosis. He would’ve been foolish not to. Padme was beautiful and kind and diligent, and she would sometimes appear to Anakin in dreams like an angel. He felt an enormous wave of relief wash over him when he would meet his wife at the end of a long mission. 

But he didn’t love her. Not really. He loved you. He wanted to be with you, to snake his hands around your waist in the night. He always made an attempt to spar with you in the temple, or ask about any mission you might’ve been on. Anakin felt like a magnet around you, even though you hadn’t shown much of a mutual pattern in return. Anakin didn’t mind that much though- you were a busy person, he understood. If anything, it only made his desire for you stronger. A woman of few words, Anakin only further imagined what your moans would sound like in place. 

Eventually, however, you were gone. 

As clear and distant as the rising sun, and as quiet and hushed as the moon, you disappeared from the temple and the Jedi alike. There were no more glances to steal at you, no more glimpses of your elegant training to behold. The corner of the archives Anakin often saw you in now seemed empty and incomplete with your form. Even the Jedi council seemed like it was missing something, even though you had refused to be a part of it some years before. 

There were whispers, but none that Anakin ever got the opportunity to fully hear. Part of him knew that if he did hear them, he probably wouldn’t have accepted them. In truth, he refused to think that you were even dead, even though it was the far more likely answer to his questions. Anakin believed that you had suffered from some injury in your endeavors and had most likely become immobilized, instead. He didn’t want to know the truth. 

But did he have some semblance of it? Yes. He was the most powerful, in tune Jedi in the galaxy- he would’ve felt what had happened to you. He just refused to believe it. 

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

Sometimes, you would appear in Anakin’s dreams. 

Your two blue lightsabers would be at the ready in your cunning hands. Your most trusted trooper- Commander Nyx- would be at your side, awaiting instructions. Your dark Jedi robes would stand in contrast to the scene ahead of you, which consisted of crystalline buildings falling and gunships falling with green streaks. 

In dreams, Anakin would suddenly get confidence he could never muster in real life. He didn’t know it, but this was out of desperation. He wanted so badly to see you, to feel you if he could, that he wouldn’t mind risking how he appeared to you anymore. He just wanted you to turn around and face him. 

Tentatively, Anakin’s gloved, mechanical fingers would reach out to you. “Y/N?” he’d call out. You would give no reply. Your robes would stay swaying slowly in the wind, offering only a view of your back. Not even Commander Nyx would answer Anakin’s prayer of a whisper. But when the sky of the scene would darken when he drew closer to you, he had received a sort of response. Anakin didn’t care enough to acknowledge it. “Y/N...” 

This prompted you to turn to him. Like poetry, he caught your eyes. Even in sleep, he still felt weak and woozy in his stomach (in the best way, of course) and he couldn’t help but get lost in your orbs like a maze. 

You were still just as beautiful as he remembered, but different. Something was oozing, sinking, blackening your veins like tar and poison. Anakin could see this in the way you held your sabers. He wasn’t sure how, but your fingers seemed more hungry. Your lips were chapped and slightly paler, but no less attractive than he’d always thought. Jaw sharp, skin glowing faintly- your eyes were the main piece. They were so much brighter and more intelligent than he’d thought, although not in a good way. 

You were always a powerful Jedi, and this was common knowledge. You had specialized in the seventh and most deadly form of combat, taken your time to study ancient texts, and had gone head to head with several enemy forces during the War. Anakin could even recall a report of you surviving an encounter with General Grievous and emerging unscathed. But this was different. This was pure and untamed energy, an ultimate corruption as sweet as fine wine. 

In this dream, Anakin was too stunned to say anything. He could only stare in a mix of awe and disbelief. You, however, did not take too long to react. Your hand shoots out. Anakin trips forward, gasping at his own throat as he watches your lightsaber come closer and closer to him. 

And then he wakes up. 

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

The day of Kamino’s attack takes everyone by surprise. It had already happened recently, and nobody had fathomed the possibility of the Separatists forming such a similar attack so soon. Anakin, Ahsoka, Obi-Wan, and trusted Captain Rex all rushed to the scene in a gunship, with anxiety drumming in their hearts. 

Anakin’s hand tightened around the rope above. His grip became a hot, white, vice as he stared at the crashing waves below. The storm overhead was unending and surreal, but it did nothing to calm the warning in his heart. 

He hadn’t dreamed about you in a month by this point. He thought about you often, however. Even more so when he was laying by Padme who had her hand placed directly over his heart. He wondered if you were still out there in the galaxy, fighting monsters and exercising a patience he could only imagine. On good days, he could trick himself into believing that you were taking a long term holiday on some distant world. 

But now, it didn’t feel like you were on a distant world. It felt like you were on this one. You felt so impossibly close. Like the universe was shrinking up around the two of you and making his chest feel closed up. 

“Are you alright, Anakin?” Obi-Wan spoke out. His free hand came to rest on Anakin’s shoulder comfortingly, like he was about to pull Anakin out of something. 

“Yes Master,” Anakin promised in return, even though it was a blatant lie. Still, he managed to keep his voice steady, and that had impressed him enough. “I just worry what Commander Nyx will tell us when we meet him.”

Anakin knew Obi-Wan was unconvinced. He could feel it in the air and see it in the older man’s eyes. Regardless, Obi-Wan removed his palm from Anakin’s form and opened his mouth to spit the normal analytical nonsense. “Nyx and his men are already inside the main structure. They’re searching for our intruder while clearing a way.”

“I thought you said Grievous had already been seen,” Ahsoka questioned. 

“I did,” said Obi-Wan. “But that does nothing to help confirmed reports of a second party present.”

Anakin squinted at the water. Determination filled him up like it always did before a battle, but there was also an unquenchable need to make sure you weren’t this ‘second party’. He knew it would’ve been ridiculous to even consider that possibility- you were off on holiday! But something inside of him just wanted see it. It was probably just that witch, Ventress again. She did have the hobby of inconveniencing Anakin’s life more than you  ever had. 

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

Anakin was wrong. 

He rounded the corner with his lightsaber in his hand. His breathing came out evenly, just as he had trained it to do. Raising his right wrist to his mouth, he said the magic words. “Obi-Wan, I’m locking in on the targets location. No signs of Nyx anywhere.”

After a high pitched beep, blaster fire could be heard in the background of Obi-Wan’s scene. “Be ready, Anakin.”

With that, Anakin doubled down his speed and spurred himself forward. His brown eyebrows furrowed together, his fingers clutching the hilt of his weapon selfishly. There were people counting on him- the Clones and snips and Obi-Wan, even Padme. But more than anyone, he felt that you were counting on him. He just wanted to silence the anguish he was feeling. It was eating him alive. 

Anakin stumbled into a dark, circular room. It was empty, except for the bodies in white armor that littered the floor. He could sense other things too- two presences in the middle. He didn’t need to be so gifted in the ways of the force to know that, though. He could hear the little whimpers from the center in a voice he had heard thousands of times. It was identical to that of Rex and Cody and Bly, and that scared him somewhat. 

“Y-you can’t!” the voice pleaded. Anakin would’ve surged forward and saved the clone, if not for the silencing of him all together. With the swiftest of movements, the figure pulled both of their arms to their sides, and something heavy dropped to the floor.  The Crimson color of the blades answered a few of the Jedi’s questions. The face of the mystery killer, however, created more. 

It was you, in all of your glory. Your eyes piercing and calm, your features were striking. You, as always, were immensely beautiful to Anakin. You were like something that he would never see again if he looked away, and the fact that it was all too true was saddening. Although your skin had paled somewhat, you were entirely recognizable. The thing that had changed the most about you was your lightsabers, which had of course transitioned from pale blue to blood red. 

Anakin’s eyes widened as he looked at you. You. What kind of sick, twisted joke was the Maker bestowing upon him? This was the thing he had wished against more than anything else. It was terrible enough imagining himself fighting Obi-Wan, but this wasn’t Obi-Wan. This was the woman he had watched from afar, silently admiring and memorizing. And now the woman was a Sith- the thing he had sworn to fight against. 

“Master Skywalker,” you said coolly. You twirled one of the sabers in your palms just as Obi-Wan and other Jedi had done to loosen up their grips. It felt distant. “I had hoped you’d be the one to execute me.”

Anakin swallowed, but it didn’t help the feeling in his throat. “Y/N?” he asked hoarsely, almost like a beg. He wished so badly that you were Ventress, or even Count Dooku for that matter. 

You didn’t give him a straight answer, you were never known for that. “If you want me to be.” You looked the man up and down, taking him in. You could recall seeing him around the temple, fighting along side him. You couldn’t place any real conversations or formal meetings, although you would be damned before letting yourself forget the name Anakin Skywalker. He always had been the most fascinating specimen. “Shall we fight, then?” 

You poised yourselves on your toes. Your prey could never see when you did this, which gave you the element of surprise in combat. You knew that you were better than many of the Jedi in the Order. You had bested Luminara Unduli on multiple occasions, along with that Kenobi and Kit Fisto. You were never one to flash this, however, instead choosing to mask your growing contempt further and further. But Anakin Skywalker was not any of those Jedi. He was the most powerful force user alive. You were not entirely sure you could beat him. 

“What are you doing here?” Anakin asked. His question partially caught you off guard, but you were polite. 

“I’d like to think that defeats the point,” you quipped. 

Anakin opens and closes his mouth multiple times. Like a glitch, he can’t seem to find or form the words. “We- you were a peacekeeper! And now look at you!”

Your eyes narrowed at him. Anakin noticed this, but you were too much of a demanding sight to ruin his current view of you. He didn’t want to fight you. What if he killed you? What if you killed him? 

“Look at yourself,” you challenged. Anakin’s heart broke in his chest. You could see his eyes widen, and immediately a pang ran through you. It was the most of any emotion you had felt in a while- years, maybe. You didn’t know what it was, because it seemed to be a mix of guilt and anguish and longing. 

Slowly, like a scared child, Anakin presses the switch on his emitter and takes his fighting stance. His blue streak of light roars to life softly. The shade reminds you of your own weapons, before you had made them bleed and turned them red. The shade reminds you of many other things, however, like Anakin’s brilliant eyes and all the neon planets you had traveled to. 

Anakin doesn’t want to fight you. He doesn’t know if you can tell, because your demeanor is just as cold as always. His insides feel unnecessarily hot, and the hair on his arms stand on end with electricity. He’s only felt this way when he’s becoming intimate with Padme, but never like this. This is unsettling, uncomfortable, and he would even dare to describe it as traumatic. 

“I’d always hoped you’d be the one to come here,” you said. In that moment, Anakin jabbed his blade forward cleanly. The sky blue glow extended across the room, even shadowing itself onto your face and created purple against the red. You positioned yourself back on instinct, waiting for the weapon to enter through your chest cleanly. 

But it didn’t. 

Anakin tried to keep his face stern and angry, but he couldn’t. It kept falling short and returning to one of heartbreak. This made your eyes features fall. Anakin wasn’t going to kill you, and you weren’t going to kill him. You had never wanted to. 

“I have to take you into...” Anakin’s breath fell short. You had the opportunity to kill him right then, and you were doing nothing. How incredibly foolish of you. 

You pressed the switch on your blades. Both of them came to a close, leaving both of you drowned in the blue light and the blue light only. There was no competition anymore. You truly weren’t going to kill Anakin. 

Anakin lowered his own weapon as he looked at your face. You looked so much softer now. He memorized everything he could about you again, like he was seeing you for the first time, whenever that may have been. 

You took a single step backwards. Anakin did nothing. Another step followed. You had been ordered to kill both Anakin and Kenobi, should you stumble across them. Instead, you would cover for the man. You would tell Dooku and the other Separatists you had not encountered Skywalker. 

Similarly, Anakin did not follow you in your steps. He did not chase you as you turned and left the room. He only watched your form, wondering if he was truly going to let you go again. The answer, of course, was that he would. He would tell Obi-Wan he had no conception of this hidden enemy, and that by the time he had located Commander Nyx’s squad, they had already been dead. 

Still, the both of you dissipated into your respective nights, knowing your debt was settled, and wondering if it would ever return. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Taglist: @omg-we-really-doo​

[georgiaswarr]

lister bird - part 2 (part 1)

beautiful faces - declan mckenna

i’m very much many thoughts head full can’t put it into concise words when it comes to beautiful faces as an iwbft song but suffice it to say, this song looks at celebrity, influencer and consumerism culture through a certain lens of doom, which hits close to home for lister. it also addresses excessive partying and drinking, for example in the “lift your hands up and lead us back home” lyric

beige - yoke lore

“i don't wanna see you smile / i want you in the morning / before you go performing” *whispers* bicci song

9 to 5 - smallpools

lister grew up poor and we mustn’t forget that part 3. also themes of losing innocence and doing what you must to survive in this cruel world.

when the party’s over - billie eilish

more themes of loneliness, self-hate and partying ! yay ! /s

hallucinogenics - matt maeson

i mean.... “pushing past the limit, trippin' on hallucinogenics / my cigarette burnt my finger 'cause i forgot i lit it / rippin' with my sinners 'cause fuck it, man, i ain't no beginner / and then i crawled back to the life that i said i wouldn't live in // cause i just couldn't open up, i'm always shiftin' / go find yourself a man who's strong and tall and christian” NEED I SAY MORE, THIS IS THE MOST LISTER SONG IN EXISTENCE

okay okay - alessia cara

a song about trying to fake self-confidence until you “make it” even though you don’t believe that you’re - to quote - a “million trick pony” yourself which is very true for lister john self-deprecation bird

nights - neon trees

here we have lister at least thinking that his crush on jimmy is unrequited, plus themes of insomnia

be an astronaut - declan mckenna

this raises the question of how much agency lister has and how much he’s just pushed around by his circumstances and by society, even though he might dream, or has dreamt of being bigger than that

clouds - børns

this song makes me think of Yearning(TM) while being high - yknow, something that lister does

liability - lorde

“the truth is i am a toy that people enjoy / till all of the tricks don't work anymore / and then they are bored of me” - growing up in the world of fame, constantly being sexualised, nobody knowing how you truly feel, all while feeling distant from your two closest friends has taken a huge toll on lister’s self worth

icarus - bastille

“out on the front doorstep, drinking from a paper cup / you won't remember this / living beyond your years, acting out all their fears / you feel it in your chest” lister “grew up too fast and has been on the verge of death multiple times” bird

hurricane - lord huron

something something lister getting a certain thrill out of living on the edge something something

i swear - exes

more themes of falling apart and getting drunk :(

white wine - walwin

kinda vibes but also comparing somebody you’re attracted to to alcohol....... i mean it’s not the most healthy thing to do especially for lister but he’s trying

saint - vérité

this is about how lister appears to the outside world and how that doesn’t reflect who he is inside - everyone sees him as a cheeky golden boys, as a “saint”, even though he has many issues and hates who he actually is

preacher man - the driver era

shoutout to @listerswift for reccing this song to me. remember when lister said that maybe he should try becoming religious too in the wednesday chapters??? in iana, when he’s gonna try to get better and find something other than alcohol to turn to i feel like there will be a phase where he feels lost and might even entertain the thought of religion. either way, he’s looking for something or someone who will help him “get away from this life of sin”

everything i wanted - gengahr version

(yes this is a cover of the billie eilish song I JUST LOVE THIS VERSION A LOT OKAY) anyway, lister feeling like what he wanted isn’t actually what he needs? feeling alone, like nobody cares about him or is listening to him? feeling the pressures of fame and everyone wanting something from him? themes of insomnia? but still eventually (hopefully) finding comfort in his friends? this song’s got you covered

half the night - couchsleepers

y’know, the fact that jimmy and lister are gonna sleep in the same bed long before they start hooking up to help each other

bravado - yoke lore

bicci song - “little bits of my own little mistakes” (they’ve both fucked up in the past) and “you put songs inside my cells” (because they’re musicians) and also “are there really angels in southern california” (southern california standing for the world of fame, could there be good things there?)

la la - kids in america

“don’t need this attention not another mention / just wanna stay high” a song about just wanting to let go of the world and all its problems

85 - andy grammer

here we explore lister’s relationship with money and wealth - while he grew up poor, after getting money he started splashing out on expensive cars and the like. however, there’s plenty of evidence that points towards the fact that he’ll go back to appreciating the little things in iana and rethink his priorities, which this song expresses

like i love you - lost frequencies

lister wants to know if jimmy loves him the way he loves jimmy

holy ghost - børns

a sexy song with religious symbolism??? that’s very bicci of you børns

run away with me - carly rae jepsen

“do you ever imagine what would happen if we just... ran away?” let the ark run away in iana challenge

bad habits - delaney jane

i do think it’s a sign of progress and improvement when the “bad habit” in question is a passionate but confusing friends-with-benefits affair with your fellow band mate instead of like.... alcohol and smoking and shit

pink lemonade - james bay

i mean my personal theory is that jimmy and lister won’t want to talk about what hooking up means for their relationship/properly define their relationship for quite a while, due to personal issues and also what it means for the band. this song embodies that.

could you love me - kygo

we all know lister’s got some self-esteem and mental health issues, and even though he’s trying to change, he’s unsure if rowan and jimmy could still love him

killer whales - smallpools

a song about a relationship where both parties have difficulties opening up and being completely vulnerable, but eventually being able to get through to each other. it also expresses a great admiration for the person that is sung about which i think is beautiful

pink in the night - mitski

aaaaand one more bicci song for good measure - “and i know i've kissed you before, but / i didn't do it right // can i try again, try again, try again / try again, and again, and again / and again, and again, and again?” - to quote alice, there will be MANY bicci kisses in iana and i, for one, can’t wait

i wanna get better - bleachers

“and i've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause / i froze in time between hearses and caskets / lost control when i panicked at the acid test / i wanna get better” it’s hard to put into words quite the amount of catharsis and a defiant push for self-improvement that is in this song but i like to think lister very much wants that

glitter & gloss - skott

i could honestly analyse each line and how it relates to lister here but here’s a collection of themes: fame, dressing yourself up and almost getting lost in so-called “glitter & gloss” for the public, but still, at your core, finding your true self and knowing that only very few people can truly know you and understand you. i think this is perfect for the end of this playlist because it seems hopeful to me, like lister’s gonna realise that even though most people will never see his true face, that doesn’t matter because he and his loved ones do.

[soncfseed]

Okay, time to get into a more detailed post of what Ethan’s Far Cry 6 verse is like! There’s gonna be some mild FC6 spoilers under the cut so proceed with caution if you haven’t played FC6 yet.

So, during the Seeds of Love (also peep that name... Seeds...) quest, one of Lorenzo’s children is an Eden’s Gate follower. You get taken on a mini bliss trip by smelling a bliss flower in an Eden’s Gate pot. Nearby there’s a note signed from The Seed Family. 

To me, this indicates two things. First: that the cult has grown internationally and their message has permeated outside of the US. Second: the cult is able to export things and is still in Montana, which leads me to believe they’ve set up shop there permanently making their own little town. In general, Far Cry 6 seems to sort of hit pause on the previous games. Pagan Min is being interviewed about Kyrati cacao, the Seeds are still in Montana, and obviously the events of New Dawn never happened. So, I would assume that the deputy never came to Hope County and tried to arrest Joseph -- they never liberated the area, the resistance there was clearly not successful in driving out the cult if it even arose at all in the FC6 world. 

My version of events to force Ethan into things is this: Ethan was born in Atlanta, Georgia in 1997 when the cult was not quite a twinkle in Joseph’s eye. While Joseph was in Georgia looking for his siblings, Ethan is conceived and born. Joseph never said he wasn’t his son, but wasn’t terribly direct about being Ethan’s father and was more concerned with reuniting his siblings and eventually gathering followers and heading to Montana. This is also when Joseph begins researching religion again every day at the library, where he meets Megan, Ethan’s mother. He eventually told her about the Voice, and although she didn’t really know how to react she did, by the time of her death, come to believe Joseph was indeed a prophet and told Ethan as much in his early childhood.

Then Megan got cancer and she tried using god, and faith, and prayer to heal herself. It failed, and she died when Ethan was about 7 years old. After that, Ethan was raised by his mother’s family for a few years. He was the black sheep, though, and even if he was a way to remember Megan he was also a symbol of her failures: the bastard son of some blasphemous preacher who heard voices and used to  Once Ethan started hearing more about Eden’s Gate, and a prophet named Joseph Seed, he knew that this was the very same Joseph Seed who his mother had told him about. Ethan wanted to track down his father. By the time he was 15, he had left home and joined Eden’s Gate to get closer to Joseph. With everything Ethan knew about him from his mother, it was obvious that he was related to him somehow. Joseph finally claimed Ethan as his son, but people already had their doubts by that point from the lack of public recognition or discussion of Ethan even existing up until that point.

Ethan was not included in the Book of Joseph because he didn’t fit the narrative Joseph & the cult wanted to portray to bring in followers. The Book of Joseph, in my mind, is not just Joseph’s perception but the perception of himself that he projects outwardly and sees as useful propaganda. Being a bit of an absent father to a child born out of wedlock doesn’t make Joseph look like a martyr or a prophet, and even if it’s relatable it isn’t exactly Biblical. The Book of Joseph also conveniently leaves out his wife, and killing his infant daughter; it isn’t good PR for getting people to join Eden’s Gate.

This is also why he doesn’t have a station as a herald like John, Jacob or Faith. He doesn’t really fit the narrative, nor does he have a close relationship with Joseph from years of distance and not knowing one another. He takes smaller roles, things where Ethan isn’t exactly treated as an heir. Similar to New Dawn, he’s thrust into leadership roles when nobody else is available and expected to function as an heir without really being treated by the cult or by Joseph as one.

This is how Ethan ends up being tasked with leading a mission trip to Yara. It’s important enough to be headed by a Seed, but not important enough to be headed by Jacob, John, Faith or Joseph. Ethan is caught in between feeling valued enough to be tasked with the trip, and understanding that he isn’t as important as his uncles or aunt, and feeling like the mission trip is a way to get rid of him. He is the unwanted child, the one who Joseph didn’t have a chance to kill off, that persists. He still feels like Joseph is too busy being The Father instead of his father. His late entry into the cult and distant relationship with Joseph leave him questioning his father’s role as a prophet. He doesn’t truly believe what the cult preaches; he pretends to in order to save face, but what he truly craves is the love and affection of his father in light of his mother’s absence. If Megan had never died, he would never have sought Joseph Seed out in such a manner. 

TLDR: Ethan joined Eden’s Gate as a teenager to find his father, is now taking on more roles to try and please him & fit in, and is leading a mission trip to Yara.