#and the next thing you know you’re up at 2am again reading fanfiction about those weird gay asses that you can’t stop obsessing over

[oxymoronicdumbass]

alas, the “literary genius as a kid” to “chronic ao3 user” pipeline claims yet another victim…

[thetriggeredhappy]

Holy fucking goddamn the sunset poem in Running Blind, huh? "Oh im into tf2 again i should read that fanfic i really liked in 2019 I bet its still fun-"

"…Sometimes, people try to take pictures of sunsets."

"Oh so this is what humanity is all about i see."

You fuckinf went off huh. Oh my god. The voice of god just spoke through you where did that come from. Im so MAD at you for putting that in tf2 fanfiction because i now want to record myself reading specifically that part of the story and how will i tell my friends "also this is from tf2 fanfic that made me cry at 2am" look what youce done to me!!! Oh my god. Oh my god. Genuinely beautiful literature genuinely outstanding prose genuinely overtaking emotions and depiction of human experience and beauty in the world and how humans every single day rediscover the same beauty and are still unable to conceptualize it for even a moment but we hate fleeting moments and want to immortalize them because they make us feel so much and honestly me wanting to record myself reading that part of the story is innately an aspect of me wanting to internalize those paragraphs and capture the emotion they made me feel, and the emotion they made me feel in 2019 that i forgot about, but ultimately all i can do is try to remember to read it again 2024 to feel it again because good fucking god.

WHY DID YOU PUT IN TF2 FANFICTION DJDJDJDJB. This is probably a nonsensical anon bcuz you probably haven't read that story in quite some time yourself. But just it. Do you have any fucking idea. Do you have any fucking idea what youve done to me a poor innocent man. That is one of the most lovely pieces of literature ive ever read. The entire story actually is incredibly lovely (i left a very long comment on it the first time i read it, i rmemeber.) And the paragraphs in chapter 16 only add to it, and strengthen the emotional bond between the two and their story together. But specifically just. Oh my god sunsets r changed for ever for me. Goddamn.

yeah i dunno what happened either if i’m being honest i wrote some of the last chapters including that one in like, a 14-hour, like, supreme-hyperfocus-to-the-point-of-dissociation-type-episode. like i basically blacked out and came out on the other side with about 10k words and that entire monologue and then i edited for spelling and posted it a few days later i have no idea what happened. i mean i did think to myself “wow this is in a tf2 fanfiction” but what else can you expect from a monologue about the transient human experience and how fleeting and extremely contextual every moment of our lives is, like. i liked tf2 right then. in that moment i was writing a tf2 fanfiction for fun. contextually that was important just then. and like maybe there’s something to be said about the fact that every sunset is beautiful and to some degree there’s this grief at not being able to express that but also there’s this faith, right, in recognizing this as a pattern in human behavior, and to some degree that means we recognize that this beauty is something we know will happen again. like maybe my next great monologue will be in a piece of original fiction, or maybe it’ll be in another fanwork. i have no idea, but odds are it’s gonna happen again. like i’m not gonna grieve over it as something that’s lost or wasted, i guess, because sunsets aren’t either. we like them, and then the sun goes down. and then it comes up again tomorrow. and like, in my brain i guess it’s not super important what context it’s in, if you’re in your car in traffic or if you’re like, getting proposed to. i dunno where i’m going with this honestly maybe if god breaks my brain over one knee again i’ll be able to word it right

also i absolutely did read running blind again recently i actually did a live reading of it as like a fun thing. the part with the sunset monologue is over here if you don’t wanna put up with the hassle of recording it yourself. it’s like portioned out and stuff

[the-rad-pineapple]

hurt

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Supernatural oneshot: Castiel gets into some trouble, and Dean's not sure he can save him in time.

Words: 1716

ao3

fanfiction

wattpad

Another old story that was in the drafts that I decided to edit today. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks for reading!

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Castiel didn’t know what he had been thinking.

A few days ago he had been contacted by some angels. They said they needed his help. Castiel had been hesitant, but he answered them anyway. They had been vague on why they needed his help, but Castiel had still shown up.

It was a trap. And an obvious one.

Six of them circled him. When he had asked why they called him here, they answered him by saying he had to be punished for what he had done to Heaven.

And now Castiel lay on the wet, cold concrete next to a liquor store. Its red neon glow illuminated the dark empty parking lot, reflecting off the puddles of rainwater. Castiel clutched his side as the remaining three angels slowly approached him. He glanced down. He was injured badly, his grace flowing from his wounds. “You don’t have to do this,” Castiel tried as his brothers and sister drew nearer. “Yes, we do,” one of them replied. “You’ve gotten off too easy until now. Who would have thought it would be this easy to kill you all along?” So this was it. This was how Castiel was going to die. In some parking lot next to a liquor store all alone.

----

Cas had been acting strange the past week. Dean knew Cas was keeping something from him. But Dean also didn’t want to pressure him. Cas would tell him when he was ready. Or so Dean thought.

Cas had been acting super distant and distracted today. He hardly contributed to any of their conversations, and Dean had to keep grabbing his attention from whatever he kept thinking about. Now it was almost 2am, and Dean hadn’t heard anything from the angel. Something had felt off, so Dean called. Then prayed. Then called. Then prayed again before he started pacing his room anxiously. He stopped. He could track Cas through his phone. Sam had shown him how a couple weeks ago. Dean grabbed his laptop and hopped on his bed. He found Cas in no time. He was in the middle of nowhere. That wasn’t a good sign. Dean grabbed his keys and raced out of the bunker. Somehow, Dean wasn’t pulled over as he sped across town to find Cas. He drove through an old back road that didn’t have five feet of asphalt without a crack in it. This was shady, and a sinking feeling tugged at Dean’s gut. Dean hadn’t seen anything for miles and was beginning to lose hope when he saw a light; it was a red neon sign that read: “LIQUOR”.

And then he saw Cas. He was laying on the ground attempting to sit up as three people approached him. They were all holding angel blades.

Angels. Of course.

Three more angels lay scattered across the empty parking lot. Dean pressed down on the gas and drove full force into the angels walking towards Cas. They went flying. They wouldn’t be gone long, though. Dean raced out of the Impala to Cas. “Dean?” Cas grimaced as he managed to sit up. He was holding his side. It must’ve been bad. “Yeah, it’s me.” Dean helped Cas up and dragged him to the car. Dean opened the door, and Cas practically fell into the passenger seat.

Dean glanced back to see the angels coming back. He took a knife from his jacket and rolled up his sleeve. He cut deep into his arm. He’d have to work fast. He raced a few feet forward and began painting the angel-banishing sigil on a dry patch of ground. He hoped Cas wasn’t too close. The angels were nearing. Dean hastily finished the sigil, hoping his sloppy work was good enough. The leading angel suddenly stopped when he saw what Dean had drawn. “Don’t mess with my friend,” Dean said before slamming his hand in the center of the symbol, sending the angels away.

Dean stood up and raced back to the Impala. He sighed in relief as he saw Cas still sitting in the passenger seat. The angel’s head rested against the seat, and he was staring distantly through the windshield. Dean rushed to the driver’s side, slid into his seat, and jammed the keys into the Impala. He slammed his foot on the gas pedal while glancing at Cas as he backed out of the parking lot. Cas was fighting to stay awake.

“Shit,” Dean muttered. “How bad is it?” Cas pulled his hand away just enough for Dean to see grace spilling out of...somewhere. Dean couldn’t make out exactly where. But it was pouring out fast. Cas wasn’t going to make it back. Dean pulled over. He had to do something—anything—to get Cas patched up enough to get back to the bunker. Dean ran to the trunk and pulled out the first aid kit. Maybe he could get Cas to stop bleeding, or leaking, or whatever, so his grace would stop leaving his body. Dean opened the passenger door. Cas’ eyes snapped open, and he flinched. He was ten shades paler and drenched in sweat. “It’s just me,” Dean said. “Let me see.” Cas carefully unbuttoned his shirt and winced as he pulled the cloth off his bloody skin. It wasn’t just one deep cut like Dean had thought. Cas’ abdomen was littered with cuts ranging from wounds that barely cut his skin to some that were deep enough to touch bone. Dean knew torture when he saw it. Those other angels weren’t there to merely kill Cas. They wanted him to feel pain. “Those sons of bitches! I should’ve killed them!” Dean exclaimed. “They were just doing what they thought was right,” Cas spoke softly. It sounded like he could barely get the words out.

“Don’t defend them,” Dean spat and grabbed some gauze. “I’m just going to try and stop all this bleeding, and then we’ll fix you back at the bunker, okay?” “Okay,” his voice even softer this time.

Dean cupped Cas’ face, and Cas’ eyes fluttered open. “Stay with me, Cas,” Dean said. His heart was hammering loudly in his chest. He’d lost Cas too many times. He won’t lose him now. He can’t lose him now.

Swallowing down his panic, Dean picked the nastiest looking cut and gently dabbed it. Cas made a small noise and balled his hands up into fists. Dean had to keep Cas awake and preferably not thinking about the pain. Dean had to get him talking.

“This was intentional, wasn’t it?” Dean asked. “Yes, Dean. They attacked me,” Cas bit back. He peeked down at what Dean was doing for a second before looking away. “No, I mean all of this. They could’ve killed you fast. But they didn’t. They were making you suffer.” Dean finished cleaning up that cut and went to the next one. He looked up at Cas. “Cas?” “I suppose.” “Did you know they were going to do this before you met them?” “Of course not! Why would I come if I thought they were going to harm me?” “I don’t know, Cas. Seems to me like you weren’t putting up much of a fight. I’ve seen you take on worse and come out with less.” “You’re being too rough.” Cas looked down disdainfully as Dean finished cleaning one of his wounds. “Stop avoiding the conversation.” Dean pressed the medical tape on extra firm before moving onto the next cut. He pulled back Cas’ shirt to see an even deeper cut. “Dammit, Cas! You could’ve died if I wasn’t there!” Dean glared up at the angel and cursed the involuntary tears stinging his eyes. Cas wouldn’t look at him. “Hey.” Dean wouldn’t let him run from this. Cas finally met his gaze. At least he didn’t look as pale as before. There was still pain in his eyes, but it wasn’t from the injuries. It was something Dean recognized in himself. Guilt. “You think you deserve this.” Cas looked away again. “Let’s just go.” “You don’t deserve this! What the hell were you thinking?!” “I do deserve this, Dean!” Cas turned to him fiercely. “Do you know what I’ve done to Heaven? What I’ve done to my own brothers and sisters? I can’t—“ His voice cracked, and he looked down. “I can’t live like this.” “You don’t have to be alone, Cas! I’m right here!” Dean put a hand in Case shoulder. “Just please, please stop doing shit like this.” “Why does it matter to you? You don’t know what I’m feeling!” Cas returned Dean’s gaze. “No, I don’t, but I can’t lose you, okay? I need you! If I had lost you tonight...”Dean had to stop himself from going there. He couldn’t even imagine what he’d be doing tomorrow if he realized Cas had died. He never wanted to go down that road. Cas was the one he could count on not to die. “Dean, I’m sorry. I just... You and Sam don’t need me. You can do it without me. You two were hunting long before you met me.” “And? That doesn’t change a damn thing. You’re my best friend. I was worse off back then without you.”

They locked eyes. Dean was hoping if Cas saw how upset he really was over this, he’d stop believing this lie. Dean truly meant it when he said he needed Cas. The pain Dean saw in his friend’s eyes only reflected his own. Cas finally nodded and looked down. “I understand.” “Do you?” “Yes, Dean. I... I can’t leave you. I don’t want to leave you.” Dean studied him once more. He seemed to be physically much better. Dean just hoped he really meant what he said. “Ok.”

Dean grabbed the first-aid kit and returned it to the trunk. He opened his door and sat down. He started the engine and looked at Cas. He was surprised to see Cas looking at him, too. “Dean...” His voice was quiet. “Thank you.” “Yeah, any time,” Dean replied awkwardly.

There were too many feelings now. Dean just wanted to go home. He put the car in drive. The journey back to the bunker was silent, but Dean didn’t mind. It was peaceful, and he didn’t feel like there was anything wrong in between them. If anything, they were closer.

[matsuoclan]

loved you alive

Pairing: Jax x MC Rating: T (tw for mentions of character death) Summary: When all is done, she searches for him.

Notes (PLEASE READ!): inspired by this post by @jamespotterthefirst, where if you picked the “undo the last two wishes” option then everyone goes back to their own timeline as a human but only MC remembers what happened. One thing I added though: all the LIs died before MC managed to defeat Rheya/reset everything. Written right after chapter 10 of BB3.

Tagging: @bigtoughswordboy @desiree---1986 @lahaela @lilyofchoices @lookatmychoices @pixelsandkink @vaticanwaltz @dawn-1994 @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction @its-de @msjpuddleduck @srta-give-me-my-jax-rl @edgiestwinter

[masterlist] [ao3] [add yourself to my tag list]

–

It takes her 3 days to find him.

After everything is done, after Rheya is defeated, after everything is reset -- she wakes in the middle of the night in a familiar bedroom to the faint sounds of a familiar video game coming from the living room. According to her phone, it's roughly the date and time that Gaius ran her through with Jax's sword and killed her.

Lily -- alive! -- shoots her a confused look when she wanders out of her bedroom. "Dude, it's like 2am. I thought you had to be up at 5 for that meeting?"

It’s not hard to put the pieces together after that, to assess and realize that she holds two sets of memories in her mind. One where she dies and is reborn as a vampire, where her friends die before she’s able to save them, where she defeats Rheya and resets the world, and one where she’s an ordinary executive admin at a Fortune 50 and very, very human. 

Lily has no recollection of anything, that much is clear, and dread knots at the bottom of her stomach when she begins to search.

There are small mentions of Jax Matsuo online, mostly blurbs about a human rights activist and the causes he championed. No Facebook profile, no Instagram account, no LinkedIn -- the only lead she finds is an Instagram photo from 2013 of a volunteer event. He's not even in the photo, but the caption reads:

"Another successful drive! Thank you to all of our volunteers and an especially big thank you to Jax Matsuo for allowing us to use this venue. See you next year!"

The photo is, blessedly, geotagged.

She manages to make it there on her lunch break. It's a small location, the local chapter of a human rights organization, tucked behind larger buildings. If she hadn't been looking, she never would've known it was there.

Despite its size, the office is bustling. One harried looking person manages the front desk, trying to answer the phones and attend to everyone in line at the same time. By the time she reaches the front, four more people have lined up behind her.

"I'm so sorry about the wait," the front desk person says. "We're a little short of staff at the moment. What can I do for you?"

"Yes, hi, I'm looking for Jax Matsuo?" Her heart hammers nervously inside her ribcage. Please be here, please be here.

"Is he expecting you?"

"No, but..." Desperation leaks into her voice. "Please, I need to speak with him. It's urgent."

They glance at her and then over their shoulder at the hallway behind them. "He's not usually in the office but you can check. Second door on the left."

With a quick thanks, she steps quickly towards the hallway and stops outside the aforementioned door. A sign on the wall says "ADVOCACY" in large black letters, followed by a list of 5 names.

The last is Jax Matsuo.

Her entire body trembles as she reaches for the doorknob, wholly unprepared for whatever's inside. Lily may not remember anything, but she still has hope that Jax will. He has to.

The small room is quiet save for the sounds of shuffled paper from the far end. Five desks cram the wall, messy with files and personal effects and it seems nearly all the occupants are out on lunch. On the opposite wall hang picture frames, so many that she can hardly see any of the wall underneath, and she leans in for a closer look when she recognizes Jax in a few of them.

It’s a testament of his life, she realizes, breath catching in her throat. So many of the photos are of him through the decades, surrounded by people he’s smiling with, protesting with, leading with. Living with. Jax is alive, and that she was able to give him that means everything.

"Can I help you?"

She startles at the voice, her soul recognizing who is speaking to her, even before her ears do. It’s the voice of a man well past his prime. Slowly she turns, and when she sees him, she’s unable to prevent a small gasp from escaping.

The first thing she notices is his eyes, bright brown eyes behind thick bifocal glasses -- those same kind eyes, only this time Jax is looking at her, not with love or recognition, but polite askance. His entire head has gone white in his 70s and his face is heavily lined, laugh lines crinkling at the corners of his eyes and smile lines bracketing his mouth.

This is a Jax who has lived an entire lifetime without her, a Jax who never knew her, who never loved her. This Jax is a stranger in every definition of the word.

It is all she can do to remain upright, though it grows harder by the second as grief and sorrow wash over her, warring with the joy of finding him at all.

"No, sorry, I--" Her voice wobbles as she tries to find words to speak. "I--I thought…" 

Jax stands slowly from behind his desk, setting aside whatever papers he was looking through, concern shining clearly from his face. And god, it hurts, it fucking hurts, because it’s a look she’s seen before on a younger face, in another context, with a wealth of love behind it. The concern of a stranger on the face of the love of her life robs her of breath all at once.

“Are you all right?”

She swallows hard. “I’m sorry, I…I thought you were the person I’m looking for, but I was mistaken. I’m sorry for wasting your time.” Her voice cracks on the last word and she moves to flee.

“Wait!” Jax gestures at the chair opposite his. “Would you like to sit down? You look troubled, and I’ve been told I’m a great listener.”

She will never regret saving the world. Rheya needed to be defeated, and balance needed to be restored. But this Jax will never know her sacrifice, will never know her or what she did, and in one brief, terrible moment, faced with the same words he said to her once upon a time, she wishes she could have died with him and saved herself from this pain.

But that would mean he never would’ve had the chance to live. That he never would have helped the people he’s helped, or shaped the lives he’s shaped. From the photos on the wall alone, she can guess exactly how he lived his human life: in pursuit of justice for those trampled on by society, much like how he lived as a vampire. He’s lived a good life, even without her, and she could never take that away.

So instead, with the last bit of strength she possesses, she takes a deep breath and draws herself up and puts on a polite if not tremulous smile, momentarily ignoring the roaring grief tightening her throat. “Thank you very much for your offer, but I’ve taken up enough of your time. I should get going.”

Jax blinks. “All right. If you’re sure. I do hope you find who you’re looking for.”

“Thank you. So do I.” And with that, she hurries from the room, from the building, unable to stay in his presence a moment longer. And as she steps out into the sunlight, finally she allows her tears to fall as she mourns the loss of a love once had.

She never sees Jax again.

[kairi-chan]

I Got You (XXIX) - BoruSara

Title: Check List

Rating: T

Genre: Angst

Beta-read by: @sandpancakecat

...

“Boys night out!” Inojin cheered, as he raised a shot glass in the air. Shikadai, Boruto, and Mitsuki raised their shot glasses.

“Cheers!” They clinked their glasses and swallowed the liquid in one go.

Boruto cleared his throat and placed the shot glass down on the table, feeling the hot liquid trickle down his throat. His phone vibrated, and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was an instagram notification. He raised his brow and clicked on the banner and waited for his screen to load. The bar didn’t have very good reception, and usually, he would ignore his phone, but it was from Kagura. Boruto recalled commenting on one of his photos of Sarada.

His heart tightened. Initially, Boruto commented before he even saw the other photos. By the time he saw Sarada’s photo in bed, he nearly dropped his phone.

They couldn’t have. He thought.

When his screen finally loaded, he saw the message.

KaguraKaratachi: Dude. She initiated and loved it. I thought things were getting rocky between us, but I guess we just needed a little space to get back on track. Thank you for the help, too. Appreciate it, bro.

His world stopped. This was something no amount of alcohol could fix. . . . “He’s your friend!” Chocho whispered furiously. “Not saying he isn’t mine as well, but like!” She waved her hands towards Boruto. Slumped on the bar’s couch and refusing to get up or say a word. “Can’t you do something?”

“We tried carrying him,” Inojin shrugged a shoulder up. “But he’s being really difficult.”

“When is he ever not?” She rolled her eyes and looked at Boruto again. Mitsuki was sitting on the floor, poking at his cheek as he tried to get Boruto to respond to him. “He’s useless. Oh my god. I don’t even know why this has to happen.”

“Neither do we.” Shikadai sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “It isn’t like Kagura to text something like that, too.”

Inojin scoffed and crossed his arms across his chest. “Yes, it is. Any jealous guy would. That dude has been trying to leave his mark all over Sarada so Boruto would leave her alone.”

Shikadai was about to say something, but Inojin stopped him. “If you’re going to say they’re just friends and Kagura has no reason to do what he did, you’re lying.”

He smirked and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and fished out a lighter. “Yeah, well, say it was justified and called for but come on,” Shikadai put a stick between his lips and lit the end as he spoke, “Was it really the right thing to do?”

“Only Boruto and Sarada are dumb enough to deny they’ve been in love with each other since they could crawl.” Inojin rolled his eyes. “Now look where it got them.”

Chocho rubbed her temples. “This is giving me a headache. Can we please just get him out of here so we can think of what to do next?”

“Have you tried calling Sarada?” Shikadai took a drag and blew smoke out, away from their direction.

“I have,” Chocho admitted, defeatedly. “She isn’t replying.”

Inojin waggled his eyebrows. “Then you know what those two are up to.” . . . Sarada stared at her phone in the dark, she had a number of missed calls from Chocho and Mitsuki. Inojin posted a story of Boruto slumped on the couch and Shikadai smoking in the back. She assumed they were calling to mess with her, so she didn’t bother answering. Besides, she was a little too… busy to attend to her phone when they called. She thought of calling back but thought against it. They were all probably still awake, it was 2am on a Saturday night, afterall. But what would they think she was up to at 2am?

Turning her phone off, she put it back on the side table and shifted to make herself comfortable. They didn’t have to know. Not right now, at least. She took a deep breath and pulled the blanket up a little higher to hide the bottom half of her face. She shivered, even if she wasn’t feeling cold.

“You okay?” Kagura asked, sleepily. The bed creaked under his weight and he draped an arm on her side and pulled her closer to him. “Feeling cold?”

She shook her head. Physically, she was fine. Emotionally? Conflicted as fuck. Did that count as feeling cold? Maybe she was being cold, to herself and her lover. Sarada curled up a little tighter, now removing his hold from her. It might be selfish of her, but right now, she just wanted to be comforted. The gravity of the situation and her tumultuous feelings were dawning on her and desperately needed something solid to hold onto.

There was someone who loved her and gave her everything she ever wanted, all the things she deserved. She was treated like a princess, much like how those romantic movies always portrayed how a girl should be treated. He’s handsome, smart and has a bright future ahead of him. What more could she ask for?

Sarada shut her eyes and tried her best to calm the raging storm in her heart, in the dead of night. Kagura was all she ever wanted in a partner. Perfect in every sense and ticked off all but one thing on her list.

He isn’t Boruto.

...

A/N: These characters are begging to get their asses whooped by me. lol. Thank you for reading, darling! 

If you like what I write, and want to read more, please do check out my #fanfiction tag. I also have links to my Master Post, ff.net, Ao3, Twitter, and Ko-Fi. 

[isomnelyswear]

Paranormal vacation part 2

Starker fanfiction.

French girl trying to be spooky in English.

Tony rotated on his feet. There was a shadow outside, around five meters away. It looked human. Peter retreated. The thing went in their direction. Rapidly. Tony closed the window roughly. The shadow disappeared.

"This... This isn't a cat !

- I'll go outside. You stay in.

- No no no I'm coming with you."

They both turned on their phones lights and went outside. Peter walked a feet behind Tony. When Tony broke a branch, Peter shouted.

"Shh, stay quiet. Here, come."

Tony gave him his hand. They looked where the shadow was and all around the house. There was no sign of anyone. They went back inside the house, still holding hands.

"It's late. We must be hallucinating. Or see something that was further.

- Yeah... You're right..."

Peter nodded. Their fingers were laced together. Their chest were touching.

"Mr Stark..."

This time, they were looking straight in the eyes. Peter licked his lips with Tony watching his mouth. The younger's breath was warm and trembling. After long second hesitating, Tony kissed Peter's cheek.

"Time to go to bed, he whispered in his ear."

Peter nodded again. They went to bed in silence.

Tony lay on his back. He closed his eyes. His heartbeat was high. Too much feelings in only one night.

A shout woke him up in surs. He stood immediately and ran to Peter's room. The kid was sitting on his bed, shaking. His window slammed violently. There was the same repugnant smell than before.

"What's happening ? Are you hurt ?

- No... I ... I heard... Holy shit..."

Tony closed the window and sat next to his pupil. Peter took off his wet t-shirt.

"I heard a voice. It was calling me. It said "Peter". Then it grabbed my wristles. It felt so real...

- Hush now."

Tony hugged him.

"Please stay Mr Stark. Please. I need you.

- I'm not going anywhere. You can rest now. I'll protect you. I swear."

Tony barely blinked until Peter was asleep. He stayed awake all night. Nothing strange happened. He finally slept when the sun was sweeping the floor.

When he opened his eyes, Peter wasn't around. Tony straightened and ran through the house to find Peter cooking peacefully.

"Is everything alright Mr Stark ?

- Yes, everything's fine. I didn't see you upstairs."

Peter nodded. He was appreciating Tony's naked legs and torso with a shy smile.

"I... I did a brunch. It's already noon so ...

- You're perfect. I'll go change and I'll be back."

They ate outside, in silence. Peter looked up and down so many times that Tony sighed.

"Is it a problem ?

- No ! No problem sir !

- You keep looking at me like you want to tell me something, so speak.

- I... I am sorry. For last night I... You don't seem to have sleep a lot and it is all my fault.

- I don't care, you don't need to be sorry."

Peter opened his mouth and closed it right after. He bit his lips. Tony was way too sleepy to try to read his face.

"I told you you can speak.

- Well, it's quite embarrassing."

Tony felt an electricity ticking under his skin. His brain worked at full speed. Did he speak in his sleep ? Did he have a boner ? Did he unconsciously touch the boy ?

"Spit it out now.

- Can you sleep with me tonight ?"

Tony laughed with relief. Peter blushed and scowled.

"You don't have to, if you think it is nuts. I just sleep better when you're around. No need to make fun of me.

- I wasn't making fun of you. I can sleep in your room as many times as you want."

Peter smiled.

"Thank you Mr Stark ! "

The younger man relaxed immediately.

"So what should we do today ?

- I wanted to visit Oban, a city near this place. But I think working in the lab could be a good option too. I'm tired.

- Ok ! What should we work on ?

- Well, we used the ark system here as a generator. We must find a structure that can handle the energy for bigger places. Like the tower. Or a city.

- Let's do that."

They worked all day, burning with passion. Their technology was the futur, they were sure of it. In Tony's mind, the equation was simple : being independent of fossil energies meant no more war for the countries which owned it, meant maybe avoiding a nuclear war. Their generator could save lifes. Millions of them.

In his earlier carrier, Tony used to build weapons. Of course, his society thrived. Until the day his best friend, Rhody, lost the fonction of his legs because of him. The "enemies" had taken his weapons against their compatriots and allies.

Tony decided to visit the fighting countries. He met several persons, kids, urged to fight. His guns were used by eight years old child. He couldn't bear it.

After this, he chose to make Earth a better place. To forgive his sins, while helping humanity. This epiphany led him to the scientific contest where he met his heir. He understood that as a sign that he stepped in the right direction.

At 11pm, Tony put music. Peter discovered many songs while they were working.

At 2am, Peter fell asleep on his desk. At 3, Tony noticed. He approached the kid to wake him up when the smell came back. There was no window in the cave.

"It has to come from the ground, Tony whispered for himself."

He fixed Peter's perfect face a few minutes before gently shaking his shoulder. Peter had an hard time opening his eyes.

"We should go to sleep sweetheart, Tony mumbled."

They went upstairs. Peter stretched and undressed before laying on the bed. He looked at Tony who hasn't move a muscle.

"You're still ok to sleep here?

- Of course."

Tony undressed too, he went to bed with only his boxer on. He didn't think the situation would make him so unconfortable.

Tony was on his back, focused on the roof. The smell had decreased, but was still there. He heard Peter moving a little, then stop. The young genius did it again. And again. He arrived against Tony's shoulder. Tony opened his arm automatically, and Peter stalled his head on his chest. Stark could feel his whole body against his.

"Goodnight Mr Stark.

- Good night Pete'."

"Mr Stark... Mr Stark please... Wake up"

Tony opened his eyes. Peter was laying close to him, whispering his name. The smell filled the entire room.

"What is happening ?

- Shh... Listen. Can you hear that ?"

Tony yawned and tried to focus on the sounds around him. First, he heard the wood wracking. It was getting closer to the room's door. The footsteps stopped in front of the door. For a minute, all that Tony could hear was Peter's hot breath near his neck.

A white noise began suddenly, like an old television.

"What the fuck... Whispered Tony."

A light human form appeared, standing in front of them. Its finger pointed at a shaking Peter. It was moving slowly to them. Tony hugged Peter closer.

The footsteps restarted. Something was slamming the door. Tony looked quickly at the door to see the handle moving violently.

"Go away... I said go away ! He yelled firmly."

At the end of the order, the sound of his voice was echoing alone in the room. The light was gone too.

"We must leave this place now, and burn it."

Peter looked at him with tears in his eyes. He seemed shaken.

"We can't...

- What do you mean ? Have you see this thing ?!

- It was ... I'm sure of it... It was aunt May."

Tony was perplexed.

"That was a freaking ghost ! Or a spirit ! I don't mean to be rude Peter, but it just can't be your aunt May !

- I swear ! I recognized her ! She was pointing me !

- There is no way it was ...

- Well I don't know !"

Peter straightened.

"Maybe we're on an old Indian graveyard and it opened the gate between life and death, or we are the seven's full moon of an antic Maya calendar, or she was secretly Scottish but this was May !

- Even if she was, she doesn't seem to want you some good Peter !

- It may not be easy to communicate with living forms, maybe we misunderstood the signs ! For all I know, it could be the last chance I have to say goodbye to my last family member ! We have to stay !"

Tony sat on the bed and took Peter's hand.

"This is crazy Peter. When we watched an horror movie, you told me "why didn't they run?!" Well this is the exact same circonstances.

- Mr Stark... Please."

How could he refuse anything to those wet brown eyes ?

"We'll talk about it in the morning. You try to sleep. I'll watch over you. Come here."

He lay down on the bed and took Peter in his arms. He hugged him tightly and kissed his forehead.

After twenty quiet minutes, Peter whispered against Tony's chest.

"You smell so good Mr Stark..."

Tony was nearly happy to be so scared. His body didn't react fully to the sensual but sleepy sentence.

"Thanks kid. You sleep, now."

Tony had never expected his first night sleeping with Peter to be this terrifying.

They were eating breakfast in the day light when Peter initiated the conversation that was burning on their tongues.

"About tonight... First, I'ld like to thank you for not forcing me to leave or... Burning the house."

Tony chuckled, drinking his coffee.

"I think... Yes, I think this thing, whatever it is, is trying to communicate with us. Maybe it is in pain. It could be just asking for help in a strange way. Plus, I'm pretty sure I saw May last night. I came to one conclusion."

Internally, Tony hoped Peter was about to say they should leave asap.

"We should establish a communication with it."

The older man blew, but didn't disagree. Peter's eyes were shining with determination.

"And how could we do that exactly ? Use an ouija ?

- I was thinking about calling a paranormal specialist.

- And you've already checked on the internet to find one.

- Of course I did. His name is Dr Strange. He is very well recommended by several persons with occult manifestations.

- Is there any way I can convince you not to call this man ?

- No way sir."

Damn, he loved this young man so hard.

[panticwritten]

10 Questions from Breakeven2007

Haha, thanks for the tag @breakeven2007, I’m always a slut for answering questions.

Since I forgot to put the rules on the post last time I got tagged, I’ll go ahead and do that this time. Basically, if you’re tagged, you answer the questions your tagger left at the bottom of the post, then you tag some other folks and leave your own questions at the bottom for the next people to answer!

I’ll do this under the break again.

1. What OC makes you want to tear your hair out and why?

Okay, when it come to writing a character, like getting the writing down when I’m writing them, it would probably be Jay. They spend so much time locked away in their lab that they talk to their androids more than they even see other people. They have shaky morals and I always want to write them as being better than they are.

With the way characters act and general ‘what are you doing?’ tearing my hair out, I’d say it’s Sawyer. Because most of my writing is daydreams and I’m writing the things that happened in my daydream, I write with the knowledge of how much those decisions fucked me over. Sometimes I wish I could go back and whisper in my past-self’s ear saying “NO!”

Retrospect is 20/20 and I hate it.

2. Do you like going back and reading old writing or looking at old drawings? Why or why not?

Oh my god, yes. To a point. I love reading 2014-onward writing. Before that, there are things I should just let die. I have a completed Johnny the Homicidal Maniac/”Gory Demise” by Creature Feature fanfic in the depths of my DA, for Christ’s sake.

The worst part is, on my particularly nostalgic days, I have thought about rewriting that ;^;

But I like looking back and seeing how far I’ve come in my writing. I like seeing how different projects change the way that I write. If I read my god-awful writing for 2010, I can actually start to believe it when people tell me my writing is good. Because no matter how many flaws it might have, It’s better than it was. That’s all that matters in the end.

3. Have you ever had a daydream so long and extensive you actually have to catch yourself before writing all that shit down because it was good.

HA yes.

I’d like to say that all of my daydreams that I end up writing are like that, but I know that isn’t true. I waited about a month before I started writing Breaking Furnace, and it took one of my friends asking questions about what in my daydreams was bothering to get me to write Sequence of Regrettable Happenings. I started writing Trollhunter’s: Subverted a few says after the daydream started, but I wish I’d started sooner. So many little details were lost from the first couple days.

The daydream sequence that brought Journey to the Center of Our Mind around is what I’m thinking of for this one. So much just started happening at once and I started writing it as soon as I could tear myself away from the actual daydream.’

On a vaguely related note, the beginning plot for Savior Destroy came out of an actual dream, and so did Damien, one of the paras/characters I have.

4. What is the hardest genre for you to write?

I’m not sure if this actually counts as a genre, but the hardest thing for me to write is physical fights. I’ve never experienced an actual fight, and I have a hard time balancing pacing, action, emotion, all of that stuff.

5. How often do you pull all-nighters (if you do)?

I don’t really pull all-nighters, but I come close a lot. I normally go into staying up past 2am expecting to stay up the whole night because I used to all the time. I never do, though, because I get tired and can’t function. I’m already so tired all the time, I have a hard time when I reach the middle point between normal levels and the I’ve-been-awake-for-36-hours-I’ve -never-felt-so-alive high. I miss the manic feeling of staying up the whole night, but it’s probably not a bad thing that I can’t seem to get there anymore.

I normally just end up making bad decisions lmAO

6. Is your writing better with or without sufficient sleep?

Without. I do good writing between like 8pm and 6am which is why I try to stay up so often, even if I know I’ll fail.

7. Do you have a favorite fandom? If so, why?

Favorite fandom, not really. If I stay on the very surface of fandoms, they’re fine but most of the time if I go any deeper I just end up getting uncomfortable so I tend to not delve. I probably like what I’ve seen of the Dragon Age fandom the most, though. Particularly DA2 because I will fight on my stance that DA2 is the best game in the series.

I just like things. I like the things and I especially like it when I watch/read/listen to things without my brain deciding to give me another 500,000 page-worth daydream to obsess over. Can I just be a casual fan for once in my goddamn life please.

8. What book would you recommend to anyone who asked, regardless of personal taste? (Doesn’t have to be your favorite.)

The Belgariad and The Mallorean. It’s actually two five-book series, but they are everything to me. It’s a fantasy series by David Eddings (and his wife, Leigh Eddings, though she wasn’t credited until much later), and it’s a wonderful coming of age story.

The Belgariad is really focused, most of the characters (except for the protag of course) know roughly what they need to do and who the bad guys are and where they need to go.

The Mallorean delves a lot deeper into the particulars of war. That even the ‘bad guys’ aren’t necessarily evil or irredeemable. There’s a lot more confusion, mystery, and the unknown plays a big part in how the story plays out and the decisions the characters make.

They’re Good Books.

9. Is there an author that you can’t stand? And conversely, one that’s on your auto-read list? Why?

I think I’ve answered a question similar to this on this blog. I haven’t really found an author that I hate, partially because if I start a book and can’t get through it I tend to forget that it and its author exists. Mostly, though, it’s because of how writing grows and a writer can do terrible work in one genre and be great in another. For example, I don’t really like most of James Patterson’s work because the way he writes crime fiction is a little too much for me. I love his YA modern fantasy/science fiction writing, though! Maximum Ride and (okay god I can’t remember what the series was called, like ‘W’ or something, it’s about witches) were genuinely enjoyable, even if they have some big continuation and plot issues that come along with the past pace at which authors like JP write.

I’d say that I want to read every piece of writing that Daniel Handler has ever created as Lemony Snicket. The voice in his work is SO GOOD and fun to read. I’ve been reading TSOUE to my sister and I’m noticing more and more that went completely over my head when I first read it in middle school. Some jokes that are more relatable now that I’m older, and I fully appreciate how terrifying Count Olaf is as a villain. I’m also in the process of reading ATWQ, which takes place in the childhood of Lemony and his first mission as an apprentice in the VFD.

10. If you were a published author, would you support fanfiction of your work? (This is tumblr so I kinda assume so, but some people wouldn’t want someone to “mangle” their work, if you will.) Would you support complete crack ships or ships that you didn’t agree with canonically?

This is kind of a double edged sword, to be completely honest. Since, even in the works I could publish, the main character is a version of myself from my daydreams, fanfiction could be a little weird for me to read.

But, like, fanfiction?? And fanart????? Of something I wrote?? That would be awesome. It would be cool to see how people see my characters, even if they completely fuck up the actual characterization. There is only one noncanon ship that I wouldn’t just say ‘oh, okay, not what I had in mind but fine.’ I wouldn’t ask people not to write it because you know write what you want, but Sawyer and Dominic is something that doesn’t sit well with me.

And that’s a wrap!

I’ll go ahead and tag @cadewrites @itstheenglishkid and @alextriestowritestuff

Okay, here are my questions for you! 

1. Do you have any pets? How about your OCs?

2. How do you beat writer’s block?

3. Where do you draw most of your inspiration from?

4. How do you and your OCs feel about pineapple on pizza?

5. If you had to choose a fictional universe to live in, which one would it be?

6. Would you get along with your OCs if you met them in person? 

7. Which of your OCs would burn a house down or overreact in a similar way if they even thought they saw a spider?

8. What’s your favorite time of day to write?

9. Have you ever written an AU of your own work?

10. Have you ever written a scene so emotionally charged that it hurt you upon rereading it?

A fun story relating vaguely to question 7. Once, I was drawing during the summer with the window open. A dragonfly zoomed in as I was about to close the window and go to sleep, so I abandoned my room in terror, screaming, and slept in the living room instead.

I’m not even scared of dragonflies?? They just don’t belong in my room.

[aro-aizawa]

SOME GREAT OL’ BNHA FIC RECOMMENDATIONS

Guide

✨  = Favourite 🔥  = Slow Burn 
❗️  = Manga Spoilers 
✔️  = Complete 
📔  = Multi-chapters 👊  = Excessive violence / whump

Non-shipping

Yesterday Upon the Stair by PitViperOfDoom ( ✨ ❗️ 📔 ) 148k Izuku has a quirk that lets him sees ghosts. Twists canon in ways that makes the whole story feel new and fresh whilst retaining the charm. Beautifully written and every time there’s a new chapter released I cry because I love it so much (seriously no exaggeration). 

Flourish by wildcrisis ( 📔 ) 23.8k Baby Shinsou gets adopted by Aizawa. This fic is full to the brim with domestic sweetness, with a lot of potential angst in the future. There’s also very very vague background EraserMic but if that’s not your thing it can be very easily ignored (or not if you’re into it). Good time and a wholesome fic.

But You Gotta Get Up At Least One More by simkjrs ( ✨ ❗️ 📔 ) 104k Loosely based off One Punch Man, but not necessary for the read. Quirkless Izuku has ridiculous super strength and is basically really badass hero. He accidentally becomes a cryptid of class 1-A, whilst Bakugou’s and Izuku’s relationship is the forefront. Great fic with a lot of development and is very very well written. 

Know what I’ve Made By The Marks On My Hands by simkjrs ( ✨ ❗️ 📔 ) 17.7k Also referred to as My Spirit Academia, quirks are abilities that are granted to people by spirits that no one can see. The only exception is Izuku, and this makes him an outcast to both spirits and people. And when heroes start loosing their quirks, it turns out that Izuku is the only person who can help. Sassy child who needs a good nights sleep and a hug.

Daymare by IntrospectiveInquisitor ( 📔 👊 )  132.9k Izuku gets hit and hit and hit and just can’t catch a break. Basically, the main story but Izuku has a quirk that he finds horrifying, ball of nerves. Just want to wrap him up in a blanket and give him all the love in the world.

The Thin Gray Line by A_ToastToTheOutcasts ( 
✔️ 📔 ) 89.6k Quirkless Izuku gives up being a hero to become a vigilante. Ends up doing quite a lot of the same stuff in canon, but quirkless. Sassy child going against the law.

The Difference Between by phaunts ( ✨ 📔 👊 ) 11.9k Kidnap fic with a lot of promise. Or alternatively the mall conversation with Shigaraki ends up with a different outcome, well written and angsty. Man I can’t wait for the next chapter. 

The Mentor’s Rage by BeyondTheClouds777 ( 📔 👊 ) 35.7k  Izuku gets hurt real bad during the USJ attack. I nickname this fic the great whumping of Deku. Nice mix of angsty and sweet? Also at a point in time where the main story is done, but there could always be more if the author thinks of more. I regularly go back to read this whenever I want to read some good whump fics.

The World Without Me by BeyondTheClouds777 ( 
✔️ 
📔 👊 ) 38.6k Izuku dies whilst out with the class, it’s emotional and Izuku isn’t dead for long. Beats you up in a dark alley with feels, whilst throwing flowers on you ft 19 over protective children and the boy who just needs a rest.

Sound check, one two three by shibo226 ( ✨ 
📔 ) 41k Izuku befriends a quirkless girl, later she ends up becoming his big sister. An OC involved story, but don’t let that put you off. It’s well written, and honestly one of my favourite fanfictions right now. I rarely like OC fanfics, but this one has my soul. 

Kirishima / Bakugou

Those Ten Moments by Kivea ( ✨ 
✔️ ) 11.8k Kaminari sees his friends are crushing hard on each other and decides to help set them up. It’s adorable and it’s just a wholesome fic where Kaminari ends up bonding with all the girls whilst setting his bro up. Not gonna lie this fic is 60% responsible for how much I love Denki. 

One to Ten by crunchrapsupreme ( 
✔️ ) 7.4k Kirishima is all kinds of gay for Bakugou and makes up a friendship scale deciding that when he gets to 10, he’ll ask the explosive blond out on a date. He starts on a -4. Really sweet bonding fic and honestly Kiri is absolutely not subtle. 

2am Knows All Secrets by Sarahhaley ( 🔥 ❗️ 📔 ) 55.8k Bakugou gets nightmares and our sweet child Kirishima does his best to help out his bro. It’s really sweet and wholesome, and full of pining. Definitely want to check this one out.

Fight Me by ryonello ( ✔️ ) 2.4k Bakugou gets wrecked for once and ends up in the hospital with a really hot nurse. He’s still stubborn as hell, and Kiri is a cutie so this is a really fluffy fic.

The Beauty of a Beast by starofjems ( 🔥 
✔️ 📔 ) 101.7k Bakushima but with Beauty and the Beast elements. Really well written, Kirishima has scales and there’s magic. It’s gay and whenever I read it I usually have the intense need to watch the third ending over again because it’s got that kind of feel to it? God it’s great.

License to Kill by thats_a_secret ( 🔥 📔 ) 44.2k The Villain Bakugou fic. He’s kidnapped as a kid, and ends up becoming a villain. The shipping is really low key, so technically this should be in the no ship category but not really. Follows canon events but ya know villain Bakugou. 

Midoriya / Todoroki

Pulling the Wires by catsplosionxd & PsychoLimbo ( ✨ 👊 📔 ) 47k Izuku is kidnapped as a kid and forced into being a villain comes across Todoroki, they become unlikely friends. Two children who just are in desperate need for hugs and protection. Accurate portrayal of trauma and every chapter I feel I need to rage at any who want to hurt these children. Very gay children. Yaoyorozu is 95% of their impulse control.

Erased Potential by theslytherinpaladin ( 🔥 📔 ) 45.2k Instead of Izuku being taught by All Might, consider Aizawa taking him under his wing instead. Izuku trains to become a hero despite being quirkless, he’s going to fight tooth and nail for his rightful place at UA with Aizawa’s help. Great fic, honestly could be canon. I love quirkless fics.

United In the Storm by theslytherinpaladin ( ✨ 🔥 📔 ) 49.2k Set after USJ, Inko gets killed, and Izuku is adopted by All Might. Sweet and very angsty as you would expect, baby Izuku just wants to get stronger to protect those he loves. There’s also Dad Might so that automatically makes it brilliant.  {{ I should mention that I am a sucker for all of PitViperOfDoom’s MHA works, so whilst I could suggest all their works these following are my favourites in particular. }}

Tenth by PitViperOfDoom ( 
✔️ ) 2.5k A sad fic that tears at your heart. If you love a heaping serving of angst and sadness involving these two then here’s the perfect fic for you. Really well written and leaves you wanting more without feeling incomplete. 

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Flaws by PitViperOfDoom ( 
✔️ ) 7.4k Full of pining and misunderstandings involving these two nerds. Sadly relatable for some, but good job the rest of class 1-A has their backs to sew everything back together.

Burn and Breathe / Bedhead by PitViperOfDoom ( ✨ 
✔️ ) 13.2k Soulmate AU where you share pain. With these two it’s like gasoline on a bonfire, angsty and beautiful. Well worth a read, especially the latter. It’s easy to say the first is more angsty than the latter, but the latter is a lot sweeter and fluffier than the first. 

Riddles in the Heart by PitViperOfDoom ( 
✔️ ) 18.8k Super intriguing storytelling, the premise is that whoever answers three riddles correctly gets to marry Prince Shouto, but if you get one wrong you’re executed in front of the public. Izuku decides to give it a try. 

An Arrow to a Bundle by PitViperOfDoom ( 
✔️ ) 5.9k Based off a tumblr post, a no-quirk AU. Endeavor is a dick, but it’s okay because Izuku ropes his friends into helping. It’s a great fic full of support for Todoroki. At the very least read the tumblr post it’s based off.

Send Endeavor to the Shadow Realm by PitViperOfDoom ( ✨ ❗️ 
✔️ 📔 ) 79.7k A six part series, the first four are Izuku vaguing Endeavor and throwing shade. The last two entries are full of angst with helpings of adorable moments, primarily deals with how shitty Endeavor is and helping Shouto. There’s also a really gay part in it. I reread it very regularly. {{ Here ends my PitViperOfDoom fic recs, onto more TodoDeku }}

sore must be the storm by pouler ( 
✔️ ) 10.4k Todoroki and Izuku get into a near death experience and get to talk about some stuff. It’s so well written that you can practically feel the tension and fragility of the situation.

i am cold, can you hear? by midoizuku ( 🔥 📔 ) 33.7k #DadMightIsCanon - Todoroki and Izuku meet before UA and they bond over the fact that their dads are really famous heroes. It’s sweet and well written, one of the first fics that I read.

One of “Those” by Ultimatum ( ✔️ ) 6.5k A take on how the MHA world of heroes would deal if two pro heroes get outed as gay boyfriends. Endeavor is a homophobic ass. 

Confession Through Text by anonymouseling shameless self promo 4.1k Todoroki knows he has a crush on his first friend, many people worry about how they would confess their love and they’d do so in a well thought out and careful manner.  Todoroki doesn’t quite get that concept.

[ecfandom]

5, 22, 27, 30, 46, 49 :)

5. since how long do you write?

-To avoid the broad and the vague, we’ll just go with when I started writing fanfiction. Which was about 3 years ago. 

22. favorite story you’ve ever written

-It’s not yet written, but my my favorite project is PSI.

27. best review you ever got

-It’s hard to pick just one…I have such amazing readers and everyone’s comments mean so much to me. Here are some of my favorites and the ones that really impacted me. A big thank you to everyone who reviews my little stories!!

-By, Jessklewolf on AO3: “I just want to say that you handle talking about the anxiety attacks in such an accurate way. I’m a huge advocate for mental health awareness, even used some grant money to make a small documentary on it. So I just wanted to say thank you for helping fight the stigma on it through your writing of strong characters. It’s inspiring, especially for me since I suffer from anxiety attacks often enough. Also, make sure you relax too! I know working on sets is exhausting, and I’ve only been on small ones run by college students. Good luck!”

- By, Coll on AO3: “What a beautiful and surprising story, really cinematic too - your style is so good, I’d love to ‘watch’ it. I also appreciate stories that deal with the realities of panic or anxiety disorder, of living with depression and this one is so full of compassion and its lovely to see characters treating one another so gently, the way we all should be treated. Very moving. Hope to read more, soon.”

-By, whyyesitscar on AO3: “gosh, you’re just so good at making these characters unbelievably real. yours is the kind of writing where i take the time to read every word because they all feel so important. thank you for the really great update!”

-By, Nat on AO3: “Oh my god! After “She” I didn’t think I would like a fic as much or a fic would make me feel all those things. This is amazing so far and these two chapters made me feel so much… I love how you are portraying Clarke and Lexa here because it feels so real. I’m looking forward for the next chapter omg I can’t waaaait. Good job on this one! It’s amazing!!!”

30. hardest part of writing

-There are a few things. I’d say battling the self doubt and self consciousness is one of the most difficult. Also, the obvious, is just figuring out how to write a compelling plot with compelling charachters that people will find interesting.

46. share a scene of a story that you haven’t published yet

Clarke wakes up in the middle of the night sweating andshivering and struggling to breathe. Out of habit, or maybe practice, sheflings herself across the bed and flips on the lamp, drinking in the soft, warmglow as if she hasn’t seen in days. “You’re okay,” she tells herself shakily.“You’re okay.” One Mississippi. Shetrembles as she stands, her legs soft and weak underneath her so that everystep feels like a chore. Two Mississippi.“You’re safe,” she breathes, hugging herself.

She flips on every light as she passes. First the hall. Thenthe living room. Then finally the kitchen where she stands shivering andlooking around. “Twenty-three Mississippi,” she murmurs, “twenty-fourMississippi.” She counts through grabbing a cup. Counts as her Keurig coughs tolife and starts heating her water.

The small TV she flips on in the corner distracts her longenough to forget the counting, and when she rouses again, she doesn’t need it.She tries to remember which one she’d reached, to write it down. Maybe tell hertherapist next week if she’s feeling like it. She racks her mind for the soundof the last number resonating up there somewhere, but it’s gone.

She stays standing as she drinks her tea, eyes glued to themindless droning of the 2am programming on the small screen. Despite having amuch larger TV set up in the living room, the kitchen feels safe. The white counter tops and white cabinets so light and welcoming. All of thegently colorful prints she’d placed around the walls. Her mother had reallysplurged on her this year, her attempts to help Clarke through whatever hellshe’d gone through and refused to talk about last year.

She lets herself grow exhausted in front of the TV, shiftingfrom foot to foot to keep the blood circulating, changing the channeloccasionally when something too loud or too abrasive comes on. She doesn’tfinish her tea, it’s more something warm to hold close to her chest anyways,and by the time her eyes finally start drooping, the remainder she pours intothe sink is bitter and cold.

49.  writing advice

- Get it down on the page. One of my favorite quotes is, “an okay idea on the page is worth more than a brilliant idea in your head.” I think self-doubt and comparison is something all writers struggles with, so I’ve learned it’s important to just put your blinders on and write what you love. 

As for technical advice, the quickest, easiest thing you can do is read the work of authors you like. Read something of theirs, try to identify some things you like about their writing and then go sit down and write something of your own utilizing those features. For instance, if you like their use of personification and how it describes something you’re used to in a new way, try that. If it’s character description, pick out some things you like and try your own hand. Another of my favorite quotes: “Good writers borrow, great writers steal.” Art is born out of imitation and elaborated upon. That elaboration is what makes it yours.

So all in all, just keep your chin up, write your stories down, and practice!

[littlepanduh-writes-365]

Opinion of RPF

tw// mentions of depression and anxiety

howdy doo everyone~

I’ve been writing and rewriting this letter for the past few days. There are many thoughts that I wanted to include, but I’m constantly worried about the longevity and potential curtness of some topics. I’m also worried that my opinions are going to backlash on me, but I came to the conclusion that in order for me to be a better person and a better writer, I need to accept criticism. I just ask that if you do send me criticism or questions, please be patient and understanding with the response time. I try to handle things sensitively which means I put a lot of thought into my answer and writing. I also admit that I get rattled easily and I want to give you answers when my head is clearer. 

This has been something that’s been on my mind for many years actually. It’s caused me to stop reading and writing many times. At this point, it’s becoming a vicious cycle and I don’t know whether I want to continue it anymore or just give it up and find something else to do. If you’re reading this, I hope you can at least gain insight and understanding because some other authors may have felt this way and if you have the time, I’d appreciate some feedback. I know this document is long, so I’m really thankful if you can bear through it. 

I have been reading and writing fanfiction for about 11 years. I have been writing for k-pop on and off for 7 years now. Although writing has been a great hobby and outlet and the k-pop writing community has proven to be a safe space for me, I still tend to have internal conflicts about the ethics of Real Person Fanfiction (RPF). I have a very long explanation of my philosophy of writing, which I encourage you to read if you read many of my fics, but to break it down, I acknowledge that there’s a lot of responsibility when writing for the k-pop fandom. 

I know these are real-life people and it’s possible that readers might get the wrong idea when reading my fics. I want you to know that when I write my fics, I’m not exactly thinking of that specific person. This sounds kinda horrible because it’s blunt, but when it all boils down, I’m basically just using them as a face claim. It’s easier for me, especially since I write a lot of shorter fics and drabbles, because I don’t have to spend a whole page describing a character, like how authors of books normally do. A lot of what I write comes from personal experiences so I usually think of a plot and then decide which person fits my character. I admit that I do choose characters based off of the idols’ personalities/personas, but I’m not going to hold it against them in real life. I sometimes adjust my character to the “real” personality of the idol, but not so much. I’m pretty sure a lot of k-pop fanfic writers feel this way (and I can imagine readers feel that way too), which is why I encourage you to read the extension of this memo which digs into specific topics, like writing idolverse/”canon” and smut. 

If you are a writer, I hope you have a similar philosophy that respects the people we write about and also reflects on a potential cultural impact you can make. If you are a reader, I hope you take an author’s intentions into account when you are reading. It’s not just writing out a fantasy, but there are thoughts and emotions writers want to express or a lesson to teach. Sometimes people do write just for fun and it’s normally okay, but it varies case by case on whether the intention is appropriate.

Sometimes it is hard to see those intentions, especially when it’s not explicitly written out like this or authors chose to be vague about endings or “what happened last summer” or something like that. Depending on the situation, the uncertainty is a key factor in their style or storytelling, but if you’re uncomfortable about it, you have the right to voice it out. This is why it’s so important to communicate with authors by the means of commenting. Jumping to conclusions is very disrespectful to a writer and that’s not fair for fanfic writers who are doing this for free. Conversations like, “where do you get this idea from?” or “did you mean this when you said that?” clarify the intentions of the author. (If you have a strong opinion or interpretation, you may want to preface in your comment that because you might just come off as rude and taking control over the story.) Many authors might say, “it’s up for any interpretation”, but will give their own insight. In my opinion, if authors don’t give you the time of day or completely shut down your opinions, I understand if you start forming your own opinions. (I don’t believe social media slander is the way to go but maybe appropriate if they ignore the problem.) Depending on the writer, they are busy, so please be considerate of their own personal schedules. Don’t demand a quick response time or a public apology. Reading and writing are supposed to be cathartic and empathy-inducing and distracting and fun. Your opinions are valid. (I have to add on that if you chose to ignore things like trigger warnings and tags, that is on you.)    

You may be wondering, why am I writing this letter? I seem to know my limits. I try not to be a problematic person. It doesn’t seem like my writing is problematic either. I’d like to believe these things, but I recognize that these are all subjective. I am not necessarily going to be completely transparent with you because that’s a whole lot of layers and I don’t want to just force all of that on you, but I will be open with you about things that I’ve already put out. 

I’m predicting that the people who are reading this memo have only been reading my recent works/works I’ve posted on AO3. If you don’t know this, I am also on AFF and tumblr. Although a lot of my stuff (especially the one-shots on tumblr) is pretty lighthearted and surficial, I have written about deeper and darker topics: character death and mourning, cheating, panic attacks, and a pole dancer. I have also included themes of drinking, swearing, and implied sex. These range from passive mentions to having the whole story revolve around that topic. I recognize that these can be uncomfortable themes, which is why I try to relay my intentions and sensitivity through Extended Author’s Notes, content warnings per chapter and tags, taking forever to edit, and writing long responses to comments. I choose to write about these topics because I personally get tired of seeing similar fics and, again, I just need an outlet.

Allow me to address a… hyena in the room (yeah, not an elephant). I don’t usually flash this card, nor do I feel 100% comfortable talking about this, but I’m just going to come clean and say that I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, you don’t need to feel sympathetic or look at my writing differently. Please don’t do that. That’s not why I’m telling you this. I mostly want to say that, yes, I have these mental illnesses, but I also acknowledge that it doesn’t excuse any toxic behavior. I have written when my anxiety-induced insomnia gets to me or when I’m having a particularly low week. I try to edit when I’m more stable, but again, that’s pretty subjective. I try so hard to cope properly and I do use other methods besides writing. I talk to my friends to make sure I don’t isolate too much. I’ve ventured into music and dance. Admittedly, things have been harder with this pandemic. I’m not a perfect person and I admit that I slip up every once in a while. You might see it in my writing. Sometimes, I’m rereading a paragraph for the 12th time and I’ll be completely jaded over the intensity of the emotions I wrote 3 months ago because it comes to the point that I’m just looking at words. The words that I wrote at 2AM after a self-loathing day seem completely different two weeks later after a deep talk with my best friend. One day, it’ll hurt me, and the next, it’ll mean nothing. I’m not sure how it’ll affect you. I acknowledge that my readers come from different walks of life and different experiences. I want to respect that. If something bothers you, please do not hesitate to communicate with me. 

I know I don’t act like it all the time, especially on Twitter, but I am an adult and I’m trying to handle at least my mental health like an adult. I write about mature topics and as a writer, I recognize that I need to handle the reception maturely as well.

The “best woman of this generation” once said this about her group. “Even if there are good times, there could also be times when you feel disappointed or feel regret or get angry or annoyed… Just do things that you like. Resolve your mood, then come back to Red Velvet… It’s not “always like Red Velvet”. I’d like for your guys to find many, many diverse things to enjoy… I do really want you all to be happy.” I am in no way in the same league as Red Velvet or Ms. Bae Joohyun, but I’d like to keep that humble mentality. You don’t have to support every fic I write. You don’t have to support my entire story. You don’t have to approve of every topic I write about or the messages I relay. (I would like to hear your thoughts, but you are not obligated to do so.) The beauty of these sites is that you can come and go whenever you would like. I get it. Life happens. Things change. Opinions change. You’re valid. If ever you want to come back to my story or maybe finish one that you never continued, you are always welcome to do so.   

I, myself, have stopped reading fics, even if they were good. I’m not just talking about ongoing fics that lost its flare. I’m also talking about completed fics or fics that have over 500 Kudos or were Featured on AFF. Sometimes the topics are too deep. Sometimes, I just need to emotionally prepare myself for an update. Sometimes I lose interest. I’m sure the author might feel a little hurt, but that’s just how life is. I don’t spend a lot of my time reading and writing fics. In the end, I’m going to finish the fics that kept me interested.

Alright, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. Serious conversation is over (for now). Thank you for your tolerance, patience, and understanding. If you are someone that reads my stories, thank you for your support. If you are someone who enjoys my stories, thank you for your love. With the time that I have, I’m working hard to be a better writer, but most importantly, I’m working harder to be a better person. The k-pop community has been a safe place for me and I want to continue letting it be that way. 

Stay safe and healthy everyone <3 Until next update

Click here to read my in-depth opinions about writing. (Skip to page 4.)