#and the more reserved characters as well!

[azaleassence]

Party 4 u

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

summary: ever since you joined The Avengers, you always found Bucky attractive and interesting. call it love at first sight maybe. during your time in The Avengers, you'd always go over your limit when he's around-- wishing to just impress him. but despite everything, every show-off, every flirtatious comment you throw at him, every mention of your name-- he never gave you at least a bit of his attention. it wasn't until your birthday when you decided you were done. the last string pulled? him not coming to your birthday. you lived your life knowing that he never got the hint but... a part of him knew.

warnings: yearning!reader x actingoblivious!character, slight angst if you squint, mentions of alcohol and getting drunk, no use of y/n, desperate and longing reader

a/n: this is my first song-oneshot, I've gotten a sudden liking to avengers, bucky specifically :p

length: 1.3k

Watching as the place you rented out slowly filled up with people you've invited; greetings and hugs seemed never-ending.

Your eyes scanned the room as you looked for the people you've invited first, the Avengers. Your eyes landed on the corner party booth as a smile perked up on your lips. Moving through the crowd, you gradually made it to the booth.

"I'm so glad you guys came." You expressed as Natasha stood up from the booth and engulfed you in a hug.

"Of course we'd come, can't miss this day for the world." She responded as she pulled away from the hug and patted you on your lower middle back.

[I only threw this party for you]

You looked at the booth, confused as two people were missing from the team.

"Where's Cap and Bucky?" You asked, trying hard not to seem so concerned for the two.

[I was hoping you'd come through]

"Steve messaged me and told me that they'd get here late, dealing with Bucky's problems." Sam responded as he turned his phone off.

"Problems? Did something happen?" You ask as you took a seat beside Natasha and grabbed one of the shot glasses. 

"Don't know, Steve didn't say." Sam shrugged as he took another swig of his beer from the glass he was holding.

"Why, concerned?" Natasha piped in as you turned to look at her with a face giving a silent warning to not continue what she was implying.

[I'm about to party on you]

"No, just wondering." You swiftly covered up as you downed the shot of alcohol you grabbed from the table, wincing as the strong taste hits your throat. "That's god awful. What is this?" 

"That was a shot of Everclear, Natasha was making a drink." Clint looked at you with a half-disgusted face that you downed a shot of one of the most strongest alcohol and half-concerned face.

"Well, shit." You chuckled at yourself before grabbing one of the alcohol bottles present on the table and poured yourself a shot.

The night progressed, shots were drank, and bottles were downed to the last drop. 

[One thousand pink balloons]

You were leaning back on the booth as they continued to talk about a story you couldn't care less about. The alcohol may have burned your throat but they can't burn up all the pain in your chest. The dress you wore, the makeup that took you 2 hours to do, the place you waited months to get a reservation for-- they all went to waste.

[DJ with your favorite tunes]

It was already some time after 11 and yet the seat in front of you remained empty. The DJ had played music you had requested him to play multiple times during the night only for the sole purpose that Bucky would hear it. Why? Maybe because you overheard him talking about it to Sam.

[Birthday cake in August, but you were born nineteenth of July]

[Champagne pourin' in your mouth]

You drowned yourself shot after shot all while Natasha and the rest of The Avengers trying to stop you but unfortunately for them, your stubbornness is enhanced more when you're drunk.

[Called your friends from out of town]

The booth where The Avengers was sitting was nowhere close to stopping drinking just like how Bucky was nowhere to be found. An hour ago, Steve had already made it to the bar but alone, no sign of Bucky. An unfamiliar ache pierced through your heart as you covered it up with drinking more alcohol. You were already used to this so why did it hurt now? 

[Got the party bag with the purple pills]

With another raise of your hand, you ordered more beer, more shots, and more alcohol to be placed on your table. Better to drown your sorrows now, right?

[And I'm waiting for you by the window]

[Called your digits but the phone kept ringing]

You hastily grabbed your phone from your pocket, almost dropping it as you pulled it out. You blinked multiple times, trying to focus as you inputted your password. As if out of habit, your thumb immediately clicked on the icon of the messages app and instinctively at Bucky's contact.

[Wish I knew what you were thinking]

You stared at your phone for a good 5 minutes before typing a poorly written message for him. Satisfied at what you wrote, you sent the message before turning your phone off.

[Hope you walk in the party]

You pushed your phone back to your pocket, or so you thought. You divert your attention to the entrance door as it remains untouched without a trace of Bucky. Your heart pounded in your chest as you tried to calm yourself down.

You only threw this party to get noticed by him, but he didn't even pop in for a minute. 

[Cause I threw the party just for you.]

Feeling sick to your stomach, you excused yourself as you made your way to the door that leads to the rooftop to get fresh air. Wasted, you stumbled your way to the door and pushed it open as you were greeted with a cold breeze.

Your eyes were basically closing as you walked to the railings and enjoyed the little peace up there all while the muffled songs from the DJ Stand continued playing behind you. You held yourself with both your hands holding the railing.

All the city lights were blurry in your eyes and before you knew it, tears started to roll down your eyes. The unfamiliar feeling of the tears made you confused as you held up one of your hands to touch your wet cheek.

A short laugh escaped your mouth out of disbelief as you inhaled a sharp breath. You hated this unfamiliar feeling, loathed it even.  You were confused as to why everything was happening, confused why you're so affected, confused why out of everyone-- it just had to be him.

It wasn't long until you leaned against the railing, your eyes drying up as the tears that left them slowly dry up due to the cold air of the night sky. Despite the continuous shots you've taken, you found yourself slowly sobering up yet still a bit tipsy.

You took notice of the sound of the rooftop door opening then closing. You wished it was a random staff who'd ignore you because if it was anyone else you knew, your peace would be interrupted. The unknown figure stopped a few inches far from your right as they too gazed at the city lights under them.

You didn't take your eyes off of the view and ignored the presence of the individual beside you, thinking that they also wanted peace. Yet that peace was interrupted when you looked at your peripheral and saw a familiar metal arm leaning against the metal railings of the rooftop.

"Bucky?" You breathed out as you raised your head to look at the unknown-known individual beside you.

[Party on you...]

part 2??

[mortish-writes]

Don't mind me, I'll be playing with new fonts all week until I decide which one will win the competition for the new cover design. Well, actually I'll probably just put it to a poll. Anyway, I'm sure a lot of you have seen the rework breakdown on Patreon. You can follow for free and read it, I just won't be posting it here because it's a billion words. I do have a few things I forgot to add in the post that I'll mention below.

Serax Tweaks

Our dear Serax is getting a light attitude adjustment. In the current version he's a bit extra (I think I'm using that right) when compared to how I envisioned and drafted him. I might have prioritized fun banter over keeping him true to character. In the updated version, you'll notice a more reserved and calculating version of Serax. It won't be as easy to goad him into a verbal dual and when you do, it'll be a challenge to get the best of him. Serax is quite clever, witty, and cunning, and making him hot-headed/impulsive undermines those key aspects to his nature. That said, he will still be fun to needle and bicker with as he gets to know you better and open up, he just won't wear his boyish side on his sleeve. Part of the fun of building a relationship with him, especially if you're playing Fated Mates mode, will be getting him to open up and show you his playfulness.

I mentioned briefly that in Fated Mates mode you'll be able to develop an antagonistic relationship with him. It will be fairly intuitive, meaning you'll have to seek to provoke him in order to unlock this route. If you do so, take care to straddle the line between friendly antagonism and outright contempt. I'm not sidelining Serax's character development in the Fated Mates route, but if you make an enemy of him, heads will roll.

New Opener, Skintones, Hair, & Eye Colors

The body aspect of the story will be reworked. As I mentioned somewhere in the post (comments?) your story will begin waking up in Kalat on Night 1 with no memory of how you got there. Your memories will come back to you over the course of the prelude, with you defining your personality and backstory as you go. I think is a way better opening because it has you meeting the guys within the first ten passages, rather than having to relive your whole life before you get to the romance. Also, it opens the door for developing an initial sense of trust and comfort with the guys before you view them through the lens of a chaste vestal. If you're iffy/unsure how this will work, just hang tight, the new prelude will be available in a few days and I think you'll like it.

Shadewalker skintones will now be in The Nightborn Edition. If you choose these tones, the guys and the people you encounter in the story will treat you differently. With the guys, Valdricht will be particularly, um, gaze-y if you choose a shadewalker tone, while Serax will prefer human tones. These preferences will be minor, so don't feel compelled to choose a particular skin tone.

Cycle macro in action, no more clunky drop downs. I'll be editing those so that they're grammatically consistent, don't panic--

You will also have some more exotic drow-esque hair and eye colors. These will also be tracked and may change how you're perceived based on whether you choose human or shadewalker colors. Hair will have a minimal effect, mostly in the interest of not having to code too much. Eye color will mostly be something the guys remark upon.

My goal is to ensure that your body isn't just a blank slate. One of my favorite aspects of playing BG3 was initially playing as a tiefling, and then replaying as a drow and being blown away by how differently characters treated/responded to you. It was such a cool touch and really demonstrated how much thought the devs put into the game. I'm just one lady writing an IF, I won't have time to go crazy with accounting for every little thing, but I do intend to make sure your choices are meaningful and that when you replay with different characters it actually feels like you're a different person.

Fetishes

I've gotten a bunch of your Dark Maiden Mode fetish requests, keep on sending them. Just be sure to tick anon. I really like the ones that I've gotten so far and there hasn't been anything that makes me say "ew, what??" That's not a challenge, btw. A lot of them are things I already intended to add and others are things I was considering, so it's helpful to know where your heads are at. All of the ones I include will make sense for the characters and the setting. Largely, Dark Maiden Mode will be a submission/breed/dub-con storyline and we'll figure which fetishes can be neatly tailored into that sort of twisted tale. Do remember, it's still a romance, just one for a particular sort of reader.

[measureyourlifeincake]

just watched the first two eps of the new murderbot show and i'm still figuring out how i feel about it. i'm just gonna bullet point some thoughts/first impressions (under the cut bc spoilers)

despite my initial reservations about casting, i think skarsgård is doing a pretty brilliant job as murderbot

oddly enough, i do have some reservations about mensah's actor. her portrayal of the panic attacks didn't feel super believable to me, but to be fair it could just be because her panic attacks don't look like my panic attacks, and it's not like i make a habit of observing other people's panic attacks so idk. i do think she recovered more quickly than is realistic for an actual panic attack, but that's more of a writing/directing choice than an acting choice

overall, we're getting a much better sense of who the PresAux survey folks are as people than in All Systems Red, which is the correct call for a tv adaptation

i was surprised at how gurathin-heavy it's been, but i'm not mad at it. gurathin isn't really how i imagined him but i do really like the choices they made for him

specifically, the Eye Contact scene was soooo awkward, which i have mixed feelings about. like yes. this makes sense, we're getting a great sense of these characters and that's very well done but also hooo boy was it hard to watch

overall, it's a pretty jarring switch from being in mb's head all the time to, yknow, being in a visual medium where you can't be in a character's head in that way and i'm still getting used to it.

in re: that last point, i had mixed feelings about seeing stuff that murderbot can't see and thus getting information at a different rate than a book-reader would, but that shot of deltfall was delicious so i'm here for it

also mixed feelings about the pronoun-correction scene. having gurathin, the one who emphatically does not like murderbot, be the one to do the whole "it, not he," makes it seem like he's using it/it's pronouns to be a dick/emphasize that secunit isn't a person, rather than yknow. that it doesn't do the whole human gender thing. also it feels incongruous with the more expansive view of gender that exists in the world of the books for a character to default to he/him, even for a character with a body that most 21st-century humans would view as masculine. idk, i hope they explore the whole pronoun thing a little more, though i am worried considering that i've noticed cast members he/himming murderbot in interviews

a little skeptical of the portrayal of presaux as almost cartoonishly "silly hippies," though that could just be coming from mb's perspective in the corporation rim. i did find it pretty funny that they brought a cajon tho ngl

ok those are all the thoughts i can put words to atm, there's definitely something about the show that i feel like is rubbing me the wrong way but idk whether that's just the whiny little nerd baby in me going "wah wah they changed things when they adapted the story i like into a different medium! how dare they!" or if it's something actually legitimate i dislike. i definitely did like a lot of the choices they made and scenes they added, but there's just... something that feels off. maybe its just me tho. idk. i'll have to keep watching to see

my pettiest issue is that murderbot mentions watching worldhoppers despite the fact that it watches it for the first time with ART iirc, but i recognize that this is petty.

[witchofthesouls]

I'm back on those thoughts about my favorite tragic brothers: Prima and Megatronus Prime.

So as much as I do like the recent posts and talks about Prima being a goofball or deliberately airheaded as he knows that he's detached compared to his siblings and tries his best to connect to others, I think we don't explore his, well, assholery. Especially in the Aligned continuity.

Personally, I like reimagining them as the first pair of split-spark twins as it really fits the narrative and provides the repetition that connects Ouranic and Cthonic roles in Greek mythology as well as other divine relationships across different mythos. Prima is the firstborn and was made in Primus' Image, and from his own shadow rose Megatronus as they were meant to be a reflection of Primus and Unicron, the next generation of the divine.

Canon-wise, the Covenant of Primus had mentioned that Primus and Unicron came from one entity split into two, so the pattern could have carried on and be very much a well-crafted motif to emphasize their divine origins and drive the point that they were meant to function as a pair.

That would make so much more sense on why Prima had major beef with Solus as they both were very similar: sun/fire-coded Primes with staunch views to guide Cybertronians and have a very close personal relationship with Megatronus.

This would honestly explain a lot of Prima's eventual distrust and paranoia since he would have absolutely expected Megatronus to always be in complete synch with him. Megatronus is his spark-twin, his half, his own brother born the moment after Prima taken shape from Prima's own frame. Of course, the guy is utterly territorial of Megatronus. He must have had a huge flux of emotions when Megatronus made the decision to pursue Solus.

They respond to Solus so much as she, the Prime of Creation, also contains a greater fraction of Primus' own power, and she acts as a mirror and foil to them.

Arguably, I say she's Megatronus' mirror and Prima's foil.

That distinction is really important, and while this discussion has a lot of my own personal headcanons and (re)interpretation of the Thirteen Primes, there is canon evidence to support how Solus and Prima are foils. Prima limited his relationships on those similar-minded to his own ideals as he demonized Primes that went against his worldviews, while Solus was highly social and very connected to many (if not all) of the Thirteen. The Prime, who allowed the Predacons to be completely wiped out versus the Well of Allsparks that continued to produce Predacons until forcibly stopped. Prima, whose death remained unknown and unaccompanied, and Solus, who had several brothers walk into her very grave that doubled as her final gift to kickstart the new generation.

Personally, I say this should cast more questions into Prima's character and his own writings on his siblings. How much of it was actually true versus his own warped perceptions of them that may or may not have been affected by Unicron's own meddling? If Megatronus was his dark twin, then it wouldn't be a stretch to imagine that Prima projected a lot of his own insecurities and fears onto Megatronus, especially after Chaos turned his eyes upon Creation. Prima already had difficulties relating to others and prefers predictability. For Megatronus, his dark-counterpart and half of his own spark, to act without his knowledge, would have made Prima question everything after that point, while Unicron's leftover miasma sank its claws into him, stoking up the paranoia and distrust to extreme levels that will seed all the conflict afterwards.

'There is your mirror and shadow basking in another’s presence,' that dark, insidious croon whispers in the back of his mind. Prima sees Megatronus' expression -that soft one that's usually reserved when they're alone -as his brother wipes away the soot and grime from Solus' disgruntled face as she was obviously dragged from her Forge to the table for a meal. 'Look, he turns away from you, away from Light.'

[ironical-ghosty]

‼️ FLASH SALES COMMISSIONS ‼️

I'm opening an exclusive big sale on my commissions to raise funds for my friend Sleepy who is going to be kicked out of their house in 2-3 months!

You can also donate to them directly to their GoFundMe or spread the word to more people!

I'll take 5 slots for now, maybe more in the future.

I can do:

OCs /Fandom characters

Monsters

Humanoids

Object Heads

Anthros

Mechs / Robots (need to be discussed)

NSFW is only reserved for suggestive, horror pieces and mild gore (blood and a little bit of organs)

You can find more information on my website or you can DM or email me if you have questions!

Please read my terms and conditions as well: ironicalghosty-art.carrd.co#terms I reserve the right to refuse a commission if inappropriate.

All payments will be by Paypal.

Reminder to prepare clear references of your character so the process will be smoother.

Thank you all for reading!! ✨

[solomiracle]

ok but this post got me thinking... their demon forms can come out when they get extremely happy as well? that's so cute!! imagine coming back to the house of lamentation after some time (nightbringer, a few weeks, going to the store for 10 minutes, etc) and once your demon boys see you they get all excited and go into their demon forms as they get up to hug you

[teratomatica]

you always land on all fours

[dizzybizz]

i haven't introduced tumbly to my drawtectives oc!!! this is my guy nick nack, he runs a shop where he sells antiques and well... knick knacks.. he loves trinkets n bits n bobs n he is oh so short.

[requiemforthestars]

I agree that it's different that these companions are too friendly from another from the start but a) it's not weird or bad to have written characters that are just willing to cooperate and work together, especially when we're a close tight knit group and b) sure, while some more interpersonal conflict would be nice at times, the fandom has been clamoring for companions who are actually friends with each other for 15 years??? Like the complaints about DA2 and DAI are always like "why do these people hate each other after seven years?"/"the Inquisition's inner circle feel like coworkers" and those are of course valid complaints and yes, there's a balance between everyone being friends and people hating each other but this is also kind of what the fandom asked for. People still say to this day that DA2 is a found family game, now we have a found family game. Turns out everyone hates it.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

winston my quant of billions

[famiglia-lealta]

In terms of addressing one another;

Unless she has been given permission to use their name, Neri will usually address those around her as 'sir' or 'ma'am' - especially if they are of a superior ranking to her. {For example, as Squalo is something of a friend, he is rarely called sir and instead 'Squalo'. Xanxus on the other hand is always called sir.}

Neri calls her father 'Papa' only when it is the two of them. If she is speaking to anyone else about him, or there is someone in the room with them, he is 'my father'.

Squalo on the other hand is a little less sentimental - very quick-cut and business minded. He addresses Neri by her last name {Salvai} or by her title {the medic}. This only changes in private conversation, where this will change to Nerinda - one of the few people to refer to her by full first name.

This is slightly similar with Xanxus {Squalo will call him 'boss' or 'that shitty/fucking boss'} but in situations of great importance, Squalo will use his name - one of the few people allowed to do so.

The rest of the Varia are usually referred to by full name - Belphegor, Mammon, Lussaria so on o forth - unless Squalo is in a particular hurry or in the middle of a situation - then it is dropped to Bel, Luss, short-hand names.

As one would expect, Xanxus just makes up his own rules about these things.

Considering everyone is viewed as beneath him, he alternates between 'trash' and 'scum' to talk to practically everyone.

Outside of that norm, Squalo is often referred to as 'the shitty shark' and Neri, 'the shitty/useless medic'.

Whilst Nerinda usually has her full first name spoken by others when it is a special, intimate moment or a significant event - if Xanxus ever actually uses her name, or anyone's name for that matter - it's normally an indication that the conversation is about to go very, very poorly for the named individual.

[cuteniarose]

ATLA for the ask game!!

*stares blankly at my screen as I try to remember the last time I've felt any strong emotion for an AtLA character*

(no genuinely those guys just kinda Exist to me istg I’m not invested even when I’m actively rewatching the show)

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most) – This one’s easy: Azula. One does not simply go through their teenage years as a severely mentally ill girl with a shitty dad and emotionally absent mom who favours the other child and end up normal about Azula lmao. I need any and every canon media to leave her the fuck alone. No I do not have a vision as to what happens to her post canon. Yes I do think that what the creators went with sucks ass and thus is not canon in my multiverse thank you very much

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped) – Appa. Just Appa. As a bonus, baby Appa. I need a plush of him more than I need to breathe (though Hanička might get to it so.. how good that idea is may be debatable). Oh, and The Duke. Have you ever seen him hugging Toph in the background of the last episode (I believe)?? Babies, absolute babies, they deserve the world, your honour

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave) – …. Mai? I feel like Mai doesn’t get enough love in the fandom. My current objective is trying to get the friend I’m making watch AtLA for the first time like her :P

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week) – Okay, I’m gonna be honest, I’ve thought over this one for a good 20 minutes and haven’t been able to come up with anything because I Genuinely Do Not Care That Much, but during this past rewatch I’ve been doing with my friends I have had a *Leonardo DiCaprio pointing meme* moment at every reference to Yangchen thanks to A CERTAIN SOMEONE, so… might not be me who never shuts up about her, but she still counts (though I did go on a small infodump when my friend asked me “which one’s that one?” during the Avatar State montage in Book 2 Episode 1, so… perhaps there is more of a case to be made here). Oh, and Smellerbee. I wanna know what Smellerbee’s deal is. No one ever talks about Smellerbee :/

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave) – Hama. Partially for Ming-Hua related reasons, partially because I’m obsessed with the concept of bloodbending (and yet cannot give two shits about Amon or Tarrlok 🤔 Hm, correction: the concept of bloodbending women :D), partially because I wholeheartedly believe that she was brought back to the South Pole and she and Kanna got to be lesbians together for whoever many years they had left – side note, how come every bloodbending woman is a lesbian? – and there’s a certain subsection of the fandom who have proven to not be able to be normal about victims of colonisation, hence the “problematic” category. (Also… not a character, but the Great Divide is a fun episode and you all are way too mean about it. Yes, it does have some.. questionable implications, but all the arguments about how it doesn’t further the plot are stupid as fuck because IMO, if we have time for half a dozen random Fire Nation adventures and a whole episode dedicated to Zuko’s sob story and the trashfire that Ember Island Players is, we have time for the Great Divide. Argue with a wall)

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason) – Zuko. This is because I do not like him. No further commentary lest this fandom tear me to pieces. And Jet. This is also because I do not like him. And Sokka. But I actually do like him, I just think it’s funny when he suffers (/affectionate)

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell) – Pakku. It has been 11 years since I watched AtLA for the first time and never once have I been convinced that Kanna actually married him. Absolutely not, to superhell with you. If there’s any NWT waterbender who deserves to get with Kanna, it’s Yugoda. Hama/Kanna/Yugoda polycule when???

[hsslilly-blog]

I now must know everything about Lilly and Sophia…

Yayy! Lilly and Sophia are two of the five main characters of my book trilogy, Before. It follows a group of high schoolers trying to navigate their final year in school + drama in their personal lives, and then everything turns upside down when they find out that (apparently) one of them (December) has a twin sister that's trying to sabotage their lives. Or maybe there's just something wrong with December?

In order: Lilly, Jessica, December, Sophia, and Selena. The story is set in Lancaster, Ohio (but not the real Lancaster; an imagined, alternative, hsslilly-fied Lancaster, OH). More about Lilly and Sophia under the cut because this got a bit long.

Lilly is the youngest, she's class president (asterisk), and she's from Massachusetts. She lives with her mom, whom she does not have a good relationship with (at all), and she's an obsessive overachiever. She's very direct, blunt, no nonsense. She has had a fifteen year plan for ages, and she intends to major in English. Her chapters in the first book are focused on her campaign + her relationship with Caroline (Carol; Cat), the "leader" of the friend group, and how they're in this weird competition for something. Carol ends up sabotaging the election in Lilly's favour and uses it as blackmail later in the story. In book 2, Lilly joins Jessica in investigating the whole deal with December and the apparent twin sister + other things.

Sophia is the only girl in the football team, and she really loves football & sports in general. And film! I'd describe her as laid-back... she usually takes things easy, but the world wants her to freak out. She has an older brother, Jacob, and they live with their father. She's not close to either. Her mother passed away when Sophia was 10, and grief is very present in her chapters. As you would expect. She has undiagnosed dyscalculia, and one of her side-plots has to do with trying to navigate an education system that was not made for her. She's also bisexual, and it's not something she's aware of until transfer student Mia/Milena/Kings (it's a whole thing) shows interest in her. She's the closest to December, which means she is the first one to notice something weird has been going on with Demi. So when Jessica approaches her with her weird theory about a twin, Sophia needs no convincing to believe it.

Writing it like this makes it seem like a lot, but when reading the story everything is tied up together. All of their plots are connected because of two major characters. I could go on and on about Lilly and Sophia, and the other three, but it's a lot! Thanks for asking about them!!

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #44: one stayed, one swayed, one strayed

So I may have made a mistake. Amalia and I had planned a holocall to catch up (because I suck at replying to messages), and...I asked if she wanted to see Fannie, too. Since she’s here and everything.

I knew Amalia hadn’t spoken to Fannie or Luke for a long time. But they always ask me how she’s doing, since I’m the only one she still talks to. They clearly still care about her, even if she doesn’t think so. I don’t know—I just figured I’d ask.

And much to my surprise…she agreed. As long as I was going to be there, she said.

And you know what? It actually started out okay. Like I said…Amalia’s a lot more mellow now. She’s still herself, in the same way that I’m still me despite not being an emo boi anymore—but she does seem to care about people more, and there’s just more light in her eyes when she engages with you.

There was some chit-chat between me and Fannie and Amalia about what we’ve all been up to. I was feeling really proud of Mal. I know she’s got some issues with the Jedi and everything, and it must have taken a lot for her to be willing to talk to Fannie again.

What I don’t understand, is that Fannie must have known that too. So...I was shocked when Fannie just...went for the throat, and asked Amalia if she still didn't want to be a Jedi.

I think I mentioned to you how Amalia has developed some different beliefs on the Force. She thinks the Force must be a person rather than a thing. Like…some sort of divine spiritual being, I guess. And again, I say: don’t ask me about that stuff—not my lane, buddy. I just live here.

All I know is, she seems happier this way, thinking of the Force as someone who cares about her, and I thought Fannie would be happy for her, too. I mean…I am. But...she wasn't.

“Amalia…the Force isn’t a person,” Fannie said, sounding confused. “The Jedi have never believed the Force is a person.”

“Well, that’s why I’m not a Jedi,” said Amalia.

“The Jedi have passed down their ancient knowledge and wisdom for centuries. Do you really think they were all incorrect?”

“The Jedi have also passed down many mistakes and corrupt practices,” Amalia countered. “They were incorrect in that. Who’s to say there weren’t other things they got wrong? Or things that got twisted along the way? The Jedi were mortal. The Force is not. I follow the Force now, Fannie. Not the Jedi.”

“The Jedi do follow the Force,” Fannie argued. “The Jedi Order, despite its failings, has been a firm foundation for many years for all who would follow the Force—”

“All? Or just those with a high enough Force sensitivity?” Amalia asked.

“Well, yes, I suppose the life of a Jedi is specifically for those with a special ability to sense the Force, like you and I,” Fannie conceded, “but isn’t that all the more reason why you should have stayed? You were given a gift. It seems a shame to waste it."

"You just said someone gave me a gift," pressed Amalia. "Who did, if not a person?"

You know me. I’m all for debating the esoteric. But I was starting to get a little stressed about them fighting. One of them was a good friend because she shared my darker sense of humor and the feeling of being kind of an outcast. And one of them I was kinda hoping would be my girlfriend soon.

"Okay, ladies, break it up," I said. "I mean, come on. Who can really know anything about the Force for sure?"

"Every one of us can, if we seek to know the Force," said Amalia, with the urgency of one sharing a profound revelation.

"The Jedi know the Force," said Fannie, with the zeal of one defending a sacred institution. "They have studied it for generations."

"Why don't you guys just accept that you, you know, each see things a little differently, and move on?" I suggested, with the pragmatism of one who’d given up trying to understand the galaxy a long time ago. "It seems to be working out great for each of you, even if you guys believe different things. And who knows, maybe both of you are kind of right."

Amazingly enough, then they both turned on me.

"We can't both be right, Solo," Amalia said. "Our beliefs about the Force are pretty mutually exclusive."

"There is only one truth," agreed Fannie. "Your eyes couldn't be brown and blue at the same time."

"Well, what if I had one eye that was brown, and one eye that was blue, and each of you were sitting on either side of me—" I started to say, but as clever as I thought this little parable was, it did not go over well with the girls.

"Oh please. Not that 'blind men and the bantha' crap," Amalia groaned.

"There would still be only one truth—that you had a brown eye and a blue eye, rather than fully brown or fully blue—and both of us would be wrong," Fannie said.

"Okaaay," I said, "but you'd still both be half right—"

"Which would still make us both wrong," Amalia said.

"Look, is it really that important what the Force is or isn't like?" I asked impatiently.

"Yes!" Fannie and Amalia said at the same time.

"The Force is the giver of all life, watching over us, working all events toward our good, loving us despite our darkness, giving us the will and the strength to do what's right," said Amalia. "I didn't know how to have hope or joy or love for myself or anyone else, until I discovered that the Force made me on purpose and gives a damn about me."

"The Force is the energy that flows through each of us and every living creature, and in the influence we wield over the world, whether for good or evil," said Fannie. “If you are not in tune with it, you are not in tune with yourself or others or the rest of nature.”

"The Force is out there, sure, but I don't see why it's so worth bothering about," I said. “Seems like it kinda just does what it wants. I mean, it doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me. And if I’m honest? I don’t really want anything to do with it, either.”

Fannie and Amalia both stared at me, frustrated. I didn't understand why they thought I was so wrong. I was the only one here not trying to get everyone else to change their mind. I was totally okay with Amalia believing what she wanted to and Fannie believing what she wanted to as long as I could believe what I wanted to and somehow that made me the bad guy?

We were all quiet for a bit, until Fannie broke the silence.

“I don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head. “We all learned the same things from Master Luke. All three of us.”

Amalia and I exchanged glances.

“Well...I just don’t think that what Luke taught was true,” Amalia said, her words brusque, but her tone uncharacteristically gentle. “Not because he’s a liar. Because he’s misguided. I think he learned and taught an incorrect understanding of the Force.”

“I just don’t really care what’s true because my life is just work and rent and whatever little time I get to myself to have fun, and the last time I was interested in the Force I got super abused and manipulated,” I said.

“But we used to all accept the same things as truth,” said Fannie. "I just...don't know what's different."

“We were younger then. People change as they grow up. Not everyone believes the same things at twenty-five that they did at fifteen,” Amalia said.

“I’ve sure changed a lot. Not just regarding the Force, but all over,” I said.

Fannie sighed, and started to look a little sad. And then...I felt an impression brush up against the outside of my mind—it was the three of us, at Luke's school: Amalia and I a little smaller than we were right now and Fannie exactly the same size, hair and lekku and montrals all a little shorter—the three of us, dressed in Jedi robes, Fannie's with the ruffles she'd sewn on, mine plain and rough and ugly, Amalia's with the sleeves cut short—sitting in the grass and comparing notes scrawled from lessons with Uncle Luke—discussing the light side of the Force and the dark, meditating together—Amalia and I goofing off while Fannie tried in vain to reel us back in—Fannie and I teaming up to talk Amalia away from the deep end when she was losing her mind—me watching in absolute jealousy while Fannie and Amalia sparred—Fannie's saber against the saber that was once Amalia's but now sat sadly on a special shelf in my uncle's office—Amalia had no idea how often I'd caught Luke gazing wistfully at it, back when I used to still meet with him for counseling—

All that in a flash, and then I turned and looked and saw it all in Fannie’s eyes, and my heart felt heavy for her. And I realized that...letting Amalia and I go our own way was a sort of bitter loss for Fan, a source of grief that I couldn’t really understand—but I could feel it—an anchor dragging her below the surface—my friend, the girl I loved, the girl with the great big heart like an open wound, the girl who yearned for the galaxy to make sense.

I put my arm around her shoulder without really thinking about it, and brushed the backs of my fingers against her cheek to comfort her. And gave her a little nudge like, hey, things are okay, I’m still here, right?

“Oh my frick,” said Amalia, who I’d temporarily forgotten about, in a tone of voice like she was witnessing the eighth wonder of the galaxy. “I had to see it to believe it. But I just saw it, and I still don’t know if I believe it.”

Fannie and I looked at each other uncomfortably. We hadn’t been planning to tell her. Or anyone, really. Not for a while. But acting close with each other had just become sort of natural to us. I withdrew my arm and Fannie scooted ever-so-slightly further away from me.

Amalia shook her head. “I mean. Look. Sure. You guys are kind of cute, not gonna lie. But I’m just gonna say it: you two shouldn’t be together.”

I was stunned. That was really so not her business.

“Okay. Cool. Who asked you?” I replied, more than a little annoyed.

“Nobody, but you know that I always say what I think, just like you do, Ben,” she said. “Think about the whole conversation we’ve just had. I mean. Do you guys not see how incompatible your worldviews are? Do you not think you’re gonna have issues down the line trying to reconcile your values?”

I looked at Fannie, almost afraid she’d agree. But she looked upset, and not agreeable in the least, and I felt better. I turned back to Amalia's hologram.

“We have a lot of differences, yeah. But we’re willing to work through them and accept each other as we are, and that’s that,” I said stiffly.

“Ben’s been through a lot,” said Fannie. “I can forgive that he has trouble connecting with the Force.”

“Hey, I’ve been through a lot, too!” said Amalia. “But I still believe in something. I believe in something, Fannie—he doesn’t believe in anything. And he doesn’t have trouble connecting with the Force—that man is sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as he freaking can.”

“Hey, I said I believe in the Force,” I said defensively. “It’s pretty hard not to, when people can use it to make things float and stuff.”

“And he’s Luke’s own nephew, for goodness’ sake!” Fannie said.

“He's also the grandson of one of the biggest Sith Lords who ever lived. But I don’t think it really matters who he’s related to, or if he believes the Force exists, if he doesn’t care,” said Amalia. “Be honest with yourself, Fannie. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t have a purpose and doesn’t know why he’s alive, except to make money and have fun?”

“Listen, Mal,” I said. “Not all of us are cut out for seeing the grand scope of some cosmic order and imagining we have a part in it. Some of us just wanna live our lives—”

But Fannie interrupted me.

“You’re jealous, Amalia,” she said, unusually nasty, unusually venomous. We both stared at her. “You’re jealous. You’re jealous! You liked him, too. I know you did. And you’re jealous that he chose me.”

That seemed to hit kind of a nerve with Amalia. I’m not sure why. Either it was true…or it was so untrue that it pissed her off to even hear the idea suggested. She raised her brow and sucked in her cheeks and blinked a little, as if to say…well, damn, alrighty then.

“…Okay,” she said, sounding less-than-friendly, but less-than-frigid. “Weeell. That sounds like a great place to call it quits. Nice talking with you both, and I wish y’all the best. Talk to you later, Ben. And, Fannie…good luck.” And then she signed off, before I could even say anything.

I looked at Fan desperately, hoping we could have some kind of debrief, but…she stood up with a huff and stormed off too.

Geez. Three things that are complicated: 1) religion, 2) growing up, and 3) girls.

[aromanticasterisms]

my god okay when jing yuan gave us the abacus i thought that would see use in like an endgame sort of nanook fight situation not THE NEXT ARC. are you kidding me. okay post canceled i finished penacony

[kiss2012]

rewatched the first three episodes of s3 and im never going to recover