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natasha-in-space · 1 year ago

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would it be alright to request the rfa + saeran with an MC who’s in school to be a veterinary neurologist? basically brain surgeon but for animals^^ tysm!

Yoosung

I think Yoosung will be pleasantly surprised and very inspired by you. He's in college studying veterinary medicine himself, but, at the point of you joining the RFA, he lost the previous fire he held for his degree. Of course, his issues lie way deeper than simply finding his degree uninteresting or useless, but the point still stands: he feels rather apathetic towards his studies. He feels like nothing he's doing in his university makes any difference, and his expectations for his future are bleak, to say the least. So, to learn that you are studying in the same field as him, all while maintaining the goal you are working towards... it's somewhat inspiring to him. But, there might be some insecurity mixed in there as well. He can't help but compare himself to you - a trait he is, unfortunately, very guilty of - and that never ends well for him. It makes him feel somewhat inadequate to realize that he just doesn't share the same drive and passion you seem to possess for your goal. Of course, he only sees the best parts of your experience, overlooking all the struggles and tribulations you have to deal with on a daily basis as well. But, as you two grow closer, you help him realize that his main problem is not as surface level as he thinks. You motivate him to treat himself kinder, with more genuine care to his needs. And, with time, he will find his drive again. You two will definitely have a ton of study dates together. Who knows, maybe you'll end up even working at the same vet clinic? That wouldn't be out of the question for you guys. It's nice to have someone who understands what you're daily life is like, and you can babble to him all about your study life, without having to go into too much detail. It's like you're a team of two. Needless to say, I think this will make you grow even closer to one another in the long run.

Zen

Zen would be very impressed. Having never attended college after running away from home, he has a great deal of admiration for those who are willing to put in the time and effort required to obtain a degree. And, studying to become a veterinary neurologist? That sounds like it takes a whole lot of work! He will immediately feel a good deal of respect towards you once he learns this. He doesn't know much about animals, nor did he ever own a pet of his own (since he spends most of his time at work, and his finances are not as stable as he'd like them to be), but he knows how precious pets can be to people. There is no suspicion in his heart since the first moment you joined the RFA, but even the tiniest bit of it goes out the window with this new fact he learns. Someone who works so hard for such a noble cause cannot be a bad person in his eyes. I think Zen's support will be mostly noticeable on the emotional side of things. He can't understand a word you're speaking most of the time you're sharing some story from your studies, but he does ask you about your day regardless. If you're feeling stressed out or overworked, he's there in a flash. You don't have to worry about a thing when the time comes to study for your exams: he makes sure you're taking breaks, eat tasty and nutritious food, and he keeps your place all neat and clean for you. And, if you're feeling anxious or unsure of yourself? Well, I'm glad to tell you that Zen is the best cheerleader you can get. He's able to put a smile on your face and lift your worries every time you're feeling down. Probably because he knows what's it like to doubt your own abilities, and he knows what you'd like to hear in that moment of vulnerability. Just like he promised you, you two will support one another on your own individual paths in life, giving each other strength when it's needed. And, you bet he'll throw the biggest celebration once you finally graduate. The guy will probably be even more excited for you than you are. He's kind of like a golden retriever in that way.

Jaehee

I don't think she would have much of a reaction initially. It's just yet another piece of information she'll write down about you, as you slowly start getting to know one another. Jaehee's worldview was heavily influenced by her highly unsupportive environment, and she projects that worldview onto everyone else, unless she is explicitly proven wrong. She went to university and got a job because that's what was expected of her, and because that was the only way she wouldn't get looked down upon by her environment. And, she excelled at both of those things, but, at the end of the day, she holds no spiritual nor emotional attachment to her current job or her time studying. I think she'll be a bit taken aback once she sees that you are genuinely passionate about what you are pursuing. What differentiates her from Yoosung, who feels very insecure about his uncertain future, is that Jaehee has long since accepted that this is all that her life is ever going to be. At least, she thinks she did. She'll be a bit envious of your drive, sure, but there are no comparisons or depressing thoughts in her mind. She'll just conclude that you are different from her, that is all. Now, as your bond grows stronger over time, and you help her find that self-love she was lacking all these past years, things will change. Jaehee finds the inner courage to believe in herself and her dreams, despite what everyone around her may think. She is no longer afraid of being perceived in a negative light. And, with that new fire in her eyes, your passion now starts actively motivating her. It's kind of sweet, really. While your tireless work encourages Jaehee to fight for her dream, Jaehee's newfound boldness in what she does inspires you to do the same. It's like you two are each other's source of motivation when things get tough. While you may not end up working side by side, Jaehee will always make sure to treat you to the best coffee and snacks she can find. Her cafe is a perfect place for you to study in peace, with occasional kisses on the cheek as a bonus.

Jumin

Jumin will be impressed. We all know how much genuine love and care he possesses for animals, so, needless to say, he holds a lot of respect for those who dedicate their livelihoods to making sure that no animal has to live in pain. I actually think this will make him come to trust you a little bit quicker! This man has a major soft spot for animals, and he even explicitly states that he believes that a person who loves animals cannot be bad. Especially cats. Overall, this wouldn't affect your relationship with him much, but he will be interested in learning more about your studies in detail. I won't be surprised if he's fairly knowledgeable in a lot of things concerning animal health, so you might gain a new companion to discuss these niche things with. Jumin is no stranger to most of the terminology you use, so you don't have to feel awkward about explaining every other word that slips out of you without thinking. And, what he doesn't know, he's more than willing to learn. I think talking with you about these things will make him come to respect you even more. You are clearly passionate about your goal, and he cannot overlook that. When it comes to the already established relationship with him, I'd say he's the proudest partner you can find. Will definitely talk his father's ears off about how lovely he thinks you are, and how hard you're working to reach your goal, and how admirable that is. Reporters will get the same treatment. Jumin Han is in love, and he is not ashamed of showing it on full display.

Saeyoung

I don't think he'll have much of a reaction at first. He already knows what you are studying before you have a chance to say it yourself, but, at the beginning, it's just another fact he'll record about you, same as with Jaehee. It's not until you start expressing your personal feelings towards your studies that he first gets intrigued and wants to know more. He'll probably joke around and make some silly memes at the start, as he's fully in his 707 persona at the time. Will probably joke about you being a good example for Yoosung to follow, as he has lost all his motivation for his studies. He'll also pretend to be a sick kitty you have to cure, either on a call with you or in the chat. You know, your usual Seven shenanigans. Now, as you two grow closer, he will form a genuine appreciation and admiration towards you. He already views you as a very good person, so you studying to help animals and owners in need is just another testament to that in his point of view. You are way better than him. Your hands are meant to heal and help, while his are caked in blood and sin. These thoughts keep buzzing at the back of his mind, even as he finds himself grinning widely at you celebrating passing another test in the chatroom. He is genuinely so proud of you and all you do. But, as much as his foolish heart wishes he could be there to celebrate with you in person, he's content to remain in the shadows, where he rightfully belongs. This is something that will add to the conflict you'll have to face in the apartment. But, once that is all behind you, Saeyoung will be your biggest supporter. He gives you a ride to university, always asks about your day, prepares silly little sticky notes to encourage you through your study sessions - he does it all. Meowy will also become your study buddy, as he will program it accordingly to help you out with your work. While he used to admire you afar, now he has nothing to hide. So, be prepared to be doted on and happily twirled around after coming home from your exams.

Saeran

Saeran has... a very complicated relationship with anything that has to do with medicine. There are many seemingly obvious things that he doesn't know about, and what he does know is often downright wrong or frightening to him. He grew up without any proper healthcare, and Rika has often used hospitals as a scare tactic to him: a place where you get locked up and treated against your will. So, as Ray, he learns so much new information through his research on you. While you are not studying to become a doctor, you are still planning to tie your life to medicine and helping those in need. I think that's what he will focus on mostly. He doesn't understand a lot of things, but he does understand that you have a compassionate heart and a strong spirit. How could he not fall for you? And, as Suit Saeran, he will mock your pursuit in life instead. It won't be that effective, as, yet again, it'll be very painfully obvious that his knowledge of the topic is very limited. But, he will try to spin it in a way that would make you feel bad about yourself. Of course, he will apologize to you and take accountability for his wrongdoings, as he realizes that, in reality, you were always so much brighter and better than him. All Saeran had on his mind was hate and a desire to hurt those beneath him so that nobody could dare lay a hand on him again, while you've put so much effort into becoming someone who will help those who can't help themselves. As GE Saeran, he is the most loving and gentle supporter you can get. Saeran is a pretty clingy partner, but not in a suffocating way, as it could become with Ray. He just wants to be around you, kind of like an affectionate cat. So, while he won't bother you during your study sessions, he will still sit close to you, touching you in one way or another. It could be just your arms touching, or him silently hugging you from behind. The only way this can become a problem for you is the overwhelming urge to cuddle with him instead of focusing on your studies, to which he will chuckle and sheepishly apologize. Saeran will also make sure you're not overworking yourself. He knows better than anyone what's it like to work yourself down to the bone, and he doesn't want that to ever happen to you. So, he'll bring you food, water, and remind you to rest your eyes every so often. Saeran's support is a comforting and quiet one. It makes you feel safe and unafraid of anything, as long as you know you'll have him waiting for you when you return back home.

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actuallylorelaigilmore · 4 days ago

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nov 5 rambling

all week, i've been seriously considering taking a break from political news, and i can't tell if that comes from a place of maturing as i'm about to hit 40 or as a warning about my mental health, because for me numbness and avoiding my interests are usually tells for depression.

but mostly, the idea--even as it seems like a good one--just kinda hurts, because deep-diving into policies and governmental history and being a nerd about campaigns and candidates has been a core part of who i am for years now.

growing up, i was surrounded by adults who didn't talk about politics, who as far as i know never even voted, who insisted it didn't matter or change anything. when i came back from college with a new awareness that politics existed, i felt like i had a lifetime of missing knowledge to catch up on, and i dove in.

plus, as somebody autistic but also easily bored due to adhd, i don't just have a singular special interest--politics is one i developed later in life. fictional media, live news, memoirs and nonfiction books, and journalism have taught me so much. i've enjoyed the learning. it's my kind of fun, being a sponge.

but this year was the first election day i've spent not obsessively refreshing electoral maps and awash in existential dread. sure, i know doing that won't change any outcomes, but it's how i don't handle the stress anyway. except that wasn't an option this time.

@actuallylukedanes and i spent the morning busy with important errands, and we spent the afternoon and evening making trips to the vet, worrying about one of our cats who'd had surgery. i went to bed that night in the back room, keeping watch over him and barely sleeping.

when i saw my best friend the next morning, tragedy was written all over their face, and they greeted me with the election results. i'm pretty sure i blinked for a few seconds before i responded at all...but it wasn't because i was in shock, or devastated. i'd just forgotten about the election entirely, tucked in a small room with a sweet kitten who was bleeding.

and it feels weird, all of that, having a day that was so big and busy that for once something overshadowed epic political battles and narratives and fear. who knows, maybe that's what daily life is like for most people. maybe that's how so many people are comfortable basing their votes on vibes and not looking anything up: they're too busy caring about just what's in front of them.

i don't know how to live that way, and i'm not sure i would want to even if i could. everyone i love is too at-risk, depending on who has power in this country, for me to put my head down and completely check out. and something about my bipolar nature has always meant that i feel a weird duty to take in the pain, like i can't fix everything for everyone so i at least owe them my empathy, my constant pressing-on-a-bruise awareness of all the bad things i can't control.

so i don't like feeling numb. that switch still gets flipped sometimes, without me trying, when the alternative would be drowning in the overflow of emotions. when that happens, i know my brain's trying to protect me, in the only way it knows how. and maybe that explains my reaction now, maybe it's a depression tell or a protective mechanism--but it's just so different from what i would've expected.

there's a very firm wall up between me and the results of this election. i feel hyper aware of what it means, the rightward shift of our national and state and local elections this week, of what could happen to my family and my friends and everyone else who deserves so much better. so on a deeper level, i also can't feel it at all.

i was heartbroken in 2016, and in shock. i cried so much, and we ultimately moved to a state where we would be safer. but i stayed hopepunk, and kept learning, and participated in mutual aid. in 2020 i blogged my amusing thoughts about the democratic primary debates here, and was grateful for every good thing that the government has done since.

but with everything i know, and everything i've learned, i feel even less prepared for what's going to happen now--because what i've learned is how limitless the potential horrors could be. spreading out in all directions, the future is a black box that asks us what we want to trust (things they say? things they've already done? things we believed no one would ever really do?) before we can know what to do.

so this time, i've barely cried. i haven't watched the concession speech. i don't think i ever will. and i keep returning to my usual news websites, the almost-a-dozen publications that make up my routine. it's become an essential habit for me, the scanning of headlines and plucking out whatever interests me--an online version of the browsing i used to do, back when it was easy to lug a dozen books home from the library.

i normally read anything that gets my attention or interests me, which is a lot every day--but now, i either don't want to read people's election opinions and predictions, or i regret it when i do. everybody wants to argue about why we ended up here. who's to blame. what to do next. what's coming.

at this point, i don't feel like i'm learning anything anymore, just being painfully reminded of what i already know: america isn't the way i wish it was, or how i saw it when i was a young idealist first learning about democracy. we keep repeating the same patterns, and being surprised at the results. and publications that aim for truth give space to writers pushing hate and fearmongering, for the sake of imagined balance.

so if i stop soaking up the political podcasts, articles, and constant data that has always made me feel so informed and empowered...is that a good break for my mental health? or is it just me checking out and retreating into a bubble where i can pretend this all isn't happening? how can i tell the difference?

it's been four days, and i'm not any closer to figuring out the answer. all i know is that reading about the goings-on of the government, the little battles on subcommittees or the history of the secret service and voting...it all used to make me happy. now it feels like a thing i do, because it's a thing i do. and anything that's too closely related to the election itself, all the podcast episodes and op-eds that have come out since, those feel like salt in a wound.

so whether it's self-protective or not, i'm going to take that break. set aside my political ebooks for now, and narrow down my news websites and podcasts to the ones that aren't so politics-heavy. i'll see if the lack of them bothers me, or if i don't even miss them. maybe it will be a relief.

it'll definitely give me more time to read the old articles i have saved from years of tab hoarding--literally hundreds are in that pile, mostly because i like long stories that dive deep into things, which don't make for quick reads. i'll also have time freed up that should really be redirected to the tv shows and movies on my watchlists anyway.

who knows, maybe what i need is a little less reality and a little more indulgence in imagination. i've never been good at balance, and depriving the creative side of me never helps. the one thing i know for sure is that after i found out about the election results, reading the news made me feel worse. so i came here because i wanted to feel better.

and it worked. i did feel better. people's immediate reactions here were so much more like mine than anything i've seen or heard in the news. everyone i follow is sharing resources and cute animal videos and revolutionary quotes. this is still a hellsite, and i've been away too much to understand what's happening anymore, but tumblr is still my hellsite. you are still my people.

i've missed every one of you, and i'm sending you so much love and gratitude. hopefully we all make it through what comes next, together.

#and if we don't...at least we'll all go down still posting that one destiel meme until the very end #(i started writing this after midnight on the 7th i think?#but cats have been needing me and my laptop so it's taken me this long to actually finish and post it)#politics #rambling #actuallylukedanes #i have the best best friend #mental health #bipolar disorder #actually autistic #life stuff #adhd #i love this garbage website

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hopelessrromantix · 2 years ago

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where i've been

TLDR: Life sucks and so does the government. Half my family got hit with some pricey medical bills plus our normal rent, so donating or sharing this would be beyond appreciated.

I know you’re all thinking “Roman! You haven’t written anything in a month, what’s going on?” First, valid question. Second, dear GOD where do I start.

Let’s keep things simple. This past month has been the literal definition of hell for me. Everything started off fairly normal, until my two remaining grandparents started having frequent hospital trips. My father spent most of his time caring for them, living mostly at their house. Given that he works most in our house, he wasn’t having an easy time. He ended up developing what his doctor said was “stress tremors”, to the point that he went on disability.

Well, even after my grandparents were a bit more stable (though still on close watch)... they continued anyway. Eventually it got so bad my mother drove him to the hospital one night and what do you know, brain tumor.

Queue several days of our family wondering what the everloving fuck we’d do without my Dad. It was several days of my dear mother (note the sarcasm) trying to control everything, my brother trying to continue school, and me taking care of the house and our pets.

We got the scans back not long after and, cue sigh of relief, the tumor was benign. It still seemed to be draining the life out of my father, though. The nurses and doctors were absolutely floored because his tumor was absolutely huge but he had no headaches. Imagine a baseball in your head. Yeah, exactly. He did however stare at the wall for hours and had a hard time getting out more than a few words. It’s probably one of my most heartbreaking memories to watch the strongest person I’ve ever known reduced to a husk on a hospital bed.

Brain surgery came soon after. He made it through and is currently in recovery. He’s speaking actual sentences, though he’s still got tremors and needs a lot of help. Still, I’m just happy to have my father.

That same week, we noticed my cat acting off. We have two of them and my cat, Gallifrey, is a talkative sweetheart who’s attached to me at the hip. But he was meowing differently and acting weird and all around not normal. One vet visit later and we find out he has kidney disease and pancreatitis. He’s being treated for it (new food, possible meds, regular fluid injections, etc.), but he’s still not himself yet. Talk about my life falling apart. This on its own my family couldn’t even begin to afford. The government seems to hate disabled people and paying for numerous doctor’s visits wasn’t remotely in our paper thin budget, much less the meds and treatment.

It was a lot all at once, and not even close to what we expected. Gallifrey is only 7 and my father didn’t show the typical signs of a brain tumor. So, I guess the universe thought “Y’know, this is a perfect time to kick Roman in the fucking balls”.

Routine testosterone blood test, just monitoring… until I got a call from the doctor. Turns out I have some untreated issues that none of my previous doctors caught. In fact, the only reason she caught it was because it was so severe. According to her she was shocked I’m still up and kicking and not in the hospital for a blood transfusion. Apparently my red blood cell count and oxygen level is insanely low, and she asked me to take a Covid test (negative), so it turns out it’s a completely different issue. I’m still in the process of diagnosing it, so that was a fun little addition. With my chronic pain and my mother in denial, I sleep most of the day and am in constant pain the entire time.

I’ll be real, I’m not a fan of asking for money. It’s not something I like, but it’s something I have to do. The amount of treatment we need, my dad, Gallifrey, and me, is more than we can hope to afford on our salaries (thank you, American healthcare!). The medical process in this country is a joke.

I’m asking y’all to help me out. Sharing, donating, whatever. Everyone around me has been kind and supportive, and I'm beyond thankful for that. If you can’t donate, please send it, share it, do whatever, I'll take absolutely anything. If I’m honest? The number I’m asking still won’t cover it, but anything is helpful.

Thank you for reading this far, thank you for sharing, for donating, for being kind, for absolutely everything.

I also understand that the internet is a horrible, despicable place, so I can give any breakdowns of what the money would be used for and give any medical info (not releasing family names or locations) to provide proof. The page includes a lovely little x-ray of my father’s head so you get to see the absolute insanity. If this isn’t enough please let me know and I can link anything else needed to confirm that yes, I am actually having the worst time of my life.

All in all? Thank you.

Donate here if you can <3

#since im not capable of offering much ill be finishing requests #ill prioritize those who donate so if you have a request enter it in the “words of support”#anything you request there will be done within 48 hours #otherwise ill be powering through as many as humanly possible to spread this around #thank you again

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novadreii · 1 month ago

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I sent an ask a while ago about what helped you in getting over your breakup, your answer helped me a lot tbh. Thank you. Sorry for not giving a lot of context last time. He broke up with me because he found me needy and critical. We were together just over 1 year. We argued a lot about how often he would go out drinking with his friends (without me). He felt I nagged him when I asked for quality time, I got hardly any with him between his drinking and xbox time. Idk. He was so loving in the beginning, it's hard for me to reconcile how amazing he used to be with how much he seemed to hate me in the end. Idk how to trust after this, even though overall I'm feeling so much better. I just wonder if all other men will switch up on me like that? I definitely could have been less needy at times but I don't think overall I was asking for too much. Sorry for venting.

I'm so glad I was able to help. ❤️ Vent all you need, no need to apologize. Looong reply incoming.

It's rough out here, but a lot of women are going through this experience at the same time. Collectively, we are realizing that men are by and large not capable of meeting our needs, especially our emotional ones. Nor are they capable of receiving the kind of love we offer. Emotional availability and maturity among men is the exception, not the rule. Men are taught that there is value in emotional suppression, so the game was lost before it even began lol.

Finding a good one who will stand by you through thick and thin and care genuinely and DEEPLY about your enjoyment, safety, health and pleasure in life is like winning the lottery. All luck.

Men desire women as status signifiers, housemaids, birthing machines and dopamine dispensers via sex, nurturing and validation. When a woman shatters this rose coloured view by having needs, going through an illness or mental health episode or other stressful life event, men's attraction is usually lost, because they see us as objects. And objects aren't supposed to be inconvenient. They aren't supposed to cry, or desire love, attention, or reassurance. That's repulsive to them.

I really don't want to sugarcoat this because understanding this informs how you move through patriarchal society. I truly don't believe that men love exactly the way women do. That emotional closeness you crave doesn't come naturally to them. They may try to imitate it, and they will fail miserably eventually. The mask will slip off. The infamous switchup. When it happens is a function of how good an actor they are, how satisfied they are with your performance and the level of romantic and sexual attraction they have to you. When you no longer serve your purpose, they will drop you so fast your head will bounce off the ground. They'll leave you there bleeding. You learn through harsh experience that you fell in love with the illusion they fed you, not the person they revealed themselves to be.

How do you trust again? You don't. Not entirely. And certainly not unless you have vetted a man over multiple years, through multiple hard/difficult scenarios. Put that motherfucker through the wringer in a respectful manner, lol. Let your mental health hang out on occasion. Lean on him to see if he supports you, or dodges you and lets you fall. Ask for what you need. Maturely, reasonably, and in good faith. You know when you're being petty, overly anxious and immature yourself, so come at this from your own evolved place.

Tell him when he upsets you, sit back and observe how he handles it. Does he run, invalidate, gaslight, evade? Or does he reassure, take ownership, apologize, and brainstorm a solution that you can both live with? Is he generous with his time, effort, money and bandwidth, not only his words? Talk is so, SO fucking cheap bestie. They will say literally ANYTHING and mean absolutely none of it. It will shake you to your core because you cannot conceive of lying through your teeth to someone you love like that, but they deceive you so effortlessly. So observe their actions only. When they talk, tune them out, in fact lmao.

And be thankful that this one showed you who he was so early. Think to yourself, if he couldn't handle something as BASIC as spending enough time together to make you feel loved ONE YEAR IN, imagine how much worse it would have been to be married to such a low effort manchild. Really, drinking and Xbox? How fucking old is he?

Imagine you going through (knock on wood for all of what I'm about to say here) the death of a loved one, going through an illness/operation, a job loss, or any one of the unfortunate parts of life all of us have to deal with at some point, and him letting you down THEN. he will become revolted by your grief and pain. He will start to see everything he once loved about you as its negative complement. If you're a strong, assertive and decisive person and he claimed to love that about you, he will now find you nagging, controlling, coercive, argumentative.

He will start bitching about his freedom and independence being threatened, because they see ALL of the consideration and accommodation required to live life in tandem with someone else as naturally restricting their freedom to behave however the fuck they want to. He will likely cheat, because other women he doesn't know at all will seem like appealing blank slates. He won't water the grass he is so lucky to have, but will think it's greener elsewhere.

he absolutely will kick you at your lowest like that, and that insult to injury will have you rocking in a chair babbling to a therapist for a long time. My ex checked out when I was at my lowest and needed him most, and that shit leaves scars if you don't immediately address it with therapy and copious amount of self-care. I was so fortunate to have a good therapist and lots of support, and to generally be pretty tough from the shit I've already been through in my life, or else the grief from the abandonment, abuse and utter neglect would have put me in a facility.

Do you know the statistics on men leaving their spouses when they are diagnosed with cancer/other serious illnesses? On how they cheat on their wives after illness or birth? Nevermind all the domestic violence and neglect? They are shocking. Don't you think those women thought they made the right choice in man initially?

I don't want to scare you here. I just don't ever want you to go through this again, so it's important to realize that while I do believe there are men who make good partners out there, they are needles in haystacks. Wayyyyy less common than romantic comedies trained us to believe. So, live your life and decenter men. Don't blindly trust any guy who is nice to you. Let his actions speak for him over time and through adversity. Meeting and marrying them does not have to be a priority. If a 1 in a million crosses your path by sheer accident, then great. Make sure to vet him, because they can keep up the act for years.

All that love you have inside of you that you so desperately want to give to a man? Give it to yourself. Observe how peaceful and serene your life is without a man in it. Without him disappointing, hurting, ignoring you daily. Without him dismissing your feelings and making you feel crazy. Without checking your phone for the millionth time, and your heart sinking because he's out drinking, doing god knows what, and ignoring you. You deserve and demand better than that. So what exactly do you need a man for?

So relish the tranquility and work on deprogramming the patriarchal conditioning that makes you feel compelled to comb through rocks in search of a diamond. That makes you feel you have to shrink yourself just so that one of them "loves" you, which will at best resemble a feeble approximation of love 20% of the time, when he deems you've earned it.

Let the diamond fall into your lap if that is your good fortune, and create a fabulous life for yourself by yourself. You are a whole and complete person all on your own. We enter this life alone and we leave it alone. Don't forgo human connection, but take it off the pedestal you had it up on. People are inherently disappointing because the majority are out for themselves only. Even and especially the ones who identify as kind do-gooders. Take a leaf out of their book and do the same for once.

Deepen your connection to self, family, friends, nature, and source. You will find a lot of your emotional needs are more than filled. Make peace with being single. Be willing to REMAIN single unless you meet a truly exceptional man, who defies expectations with his actions and not in word alone. Once you start to progress here, you will feel a wholeness that makes you wonder why you were so desperate to settle for less than the bare minimum. Always, always, always trust your gut. It's the very quietest part of you that occasionally screams when you least want to hear it. Do not ignore it. It will tell you all you need to know about someone WHEN you need to know it, but we are often too in denial to pay attention. Your intuition is your lifeline.

Ironically, it's usually this detached, dgaf state that will attract a quality man to you. The pain of neglect brings into sharper focus the things we want and cannot compromise on in a partner. It also eliminates the fear of being alone, because nothing hurts worse than being alone in a "relationship" that is one in name only. But of course, I don't believe finding a partner should be the goal, or it won't really work. Let men as a group and as a concept go, and breathe a sigh of relief that life can only go up from there.

Tldr: decenter finding and being with a man in your life, find inner peace.

#anon #some would consider this radical but it's time to take men off the collective pedestal #they are too disappointing in just about every way #toxic relationship #i hope things only get better for you xo #btw i totally assumed you identify as she/her so sorry if wrong! he just sounds like a garden variety straight male #4b movement #personal #breakups

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lifeafteratransplant · 10 months ago

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Health Anxiety & Trying to Get Into a Routine

Life, is hard. No doubt about it, and having a crazy, stressful schedule is not making it any easier, obviously.

No I don't have kids, but I have a husband, two animals, and myself. Lab/blood draw appointments every Monday, grocery shopping, taking my photography classes, taking my dog to vet for whatever reason, taking him to the groomers, making sure I visit with my mom, and talk to my family back in Iowa, it all comes down on me, and yeah it might not seem as hard as raising a kid, but it is hard for me.

I am double organ transplant recipatant. Which means that I have health anxiety through the roof sometimes. I have to check my blood levels every week just tp make sure I am ok. I hope that it isn't like that forever but I have been through 3 rejections in the 2 years since I had my transplant. Every time was terrifying. This last time was the scariest thought, cause it wasn't just my pancreas it was my kidney too. The thought of loosing my kidney made me sob, and my heart jump out of my chest. My pancreas has been touchy since the get-go. If I loose that I would become diabetic again, which I can handle. Loosing my kidney would me I would have to go back on dialysis and for me that isn't an option. They have used the strongest rejection drugs on me as the possibly can, 3 times now. Meaning that I cannot take them again. Imagine that in the back of your head 24/7, not fun.

This anxiety that I carry makes it hard to make plans, be in public, affects relationships, and causes deep depression and loneliness. I live in a state where this not a lot to do. With my multiple rejections, I haven't been able to hold a job, So basically I am a stay home wife, and that is not something I thought I would ever be. I'm not saying that is bad by any means, but I NEED to have a job to feel like I am contributing to society some how. It becomes very lonely and I fall into a state of depression where it is hard to get out of sometimes.

That is where the second half of the title of this blog post comes in. Trying to have a routine is so important. You have better sleep, which helps your mood, and you energy levels, which helps you get done that shit that needs to get done. I wake up about 8:30-9 every morning, and as of recently try to have breakfast. Whether it be a smoothie, toast and fruit, eggs and bacon. Something in my stomach always helps. Also I take a lot of meds so that is important to have food in your system when taking those. From there, I usually get on the computer check my emails, scroll Facebook, and then look at what I need to do around the house. I am ALWAYS cleaning it seems, I have two pets, both who shed like crazzzzy! Vacuuming every day or every other day is a must, and moping at least once a week. I cooke a lot so constantly loading and unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the stove and counter tops. The list goes on. After the cleaning is done, I watch my photography courses, do some laundry, make myself lunch, and as of recently I had to put together a whole list of documents for my husband's immigration lawyer so he can get his 10 year green card. Some days I run into town to run errands, like doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, pick up medications, and as of recently furniture shopping. (I'll explain that in another post) I find that just having a list of things to do and crossing them off really helps me.

Everyone's life is different, so that means every routine will look different. Don't model your life after someone else's, you do what works best for you and your schedule. Know your limits, take the time to rest and take care of yourself and life will start to get, maybe not easier, but let's say peaceful. Find solitude and happiness in the little things, and don't take yourself so seriously. Always take care of YOU first, then you can give your best self to the ones you love.

Much love,

Karli

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atasteofchocolates · 1 year ago

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Planning my day of grief.

It’s fair to say 22 has not felt very kind so far. Although I’ve been promoted and am stable at work, my personal life has been anything but. My anxiety is through the roof at most times of the day, but at night it’s at its worst. My mind starts thinking about everything and anything I need to do, should do, or should have done already. I get hot and sweaty in bed and have to have the fan on me most nights. My sleep is poor and I often have stress nightmares so even when I finally do sleep, I’m stressed still. I can always tell because my jaw is clamped shut in the morning and it feels like I am prying it open when I go to brush my teeth in the morning.

Family has been level with work when causing my stress this past month. Mainly my mum but what’s new there. I find my patience with her is low. I find her selfish, drama orientated and at times completely narcissistic. This sounds horrible I know coming from her daughter. And I love her anyways because she is my mum, but I struggle to spend more then a couple hours with her a week. Its hard because everything is becoming so clear, the patterns of self sabotage in her, the way she hurts and pushes those close to her away only to come back a week later like nothing happened. My brothers also have no patience with her anymore but they aren’t so good at showing it. I hate conflict and I feel constantly on the edge of a family world war.

To top this off, smudges death is approaching and fast. Mum decided to take smudge and Keira to a vets in Weston to get their teeth cleaned due to bad breath. Mum has never looked after those dogs properly and it’s showing. Smudge needs 4 teeth pulled out due to rot and has an abscess in his gum which is infected and causing him pain. Mum has never brushed or taken care of the dogs teeth and it’s come back to bite her at the expense of smudges health. Smudge also has a heart murmur which he was diagnosed with in 2017. At that time is was not so much of a problem that he needed medication however, instead of taking him back every year for check ups on his heart so he can be out on meds when needed, mum completely ignored it as well as smudge coughing more which she was told was the main sign of it getting worse. Due to the state of his heart, the vets don’t feel they could put him under anaesthetic to sort his teeth out. Even if it was successful it would be thousands of pounds and if smudge didn’t make it mum would have to pay out anyway. She is calling coombfield, brandis vets on Monday to see what they say but it’s not looking good and smudge cannot remain in pain. However, the thing is he is not naturally dying right now. Just suffering from something that he is too old to fix. So then remains booking in the day for him to be put to sleep if nothing can be done (which is highly likely). So now I am sat here thinking what day would be best in terms of my own emotions and grief. A Friday so I can mourne over the weekend not having to take time off work. The end of august would be perfect so id have 3 days instead of two. And all the while thinking this, I just feel on the edge of an anxiety attack because I am not ready. I am not ready for my own grief and I am not ready to manage mums. I am not ready to make the call and book the day, or to be in the room when it happens.

But I have to be because it’s coming and quick.

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face-palming-fox · 11 months ago

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if he had the same issues as my boy where the blockage was caused by urinary crystals etc pls talk to a vet about his ph levels. mine was eating too much dry food and not drinking enough water to keep everything flushed out properly resulting in crystal build up (several times, it's very scary and expensive) and we were told it's more common for boy cats to get urinary problems than girl cats based on anatomy. if it is ph, maybe ask if a supplement called methigel will help reduce the chances of him getting another one and help his ph levels. it's usually available on chewy for 12 USD, worked fine for my boy and is a lot cheaper than expensive vet bills and questionable prescription pet foods they try to suggest that my cat/s never wanted to eat.

edit: oh also if he's on a dry food only diet, consider implementing a lil wet food daily to make sure he's getting SOME moisture if he's not a big water drinker. dry food is terrible for their kidneys/bladder etc for not having any moisture and the vets won't tell u that either

(i wish vets cared more about the well being of animals bc this was a very stressful problem i kept having and if it weren't for some random vet that i'd never seen before and never saw after giving me this supplement, i, too, prolly would've had to do something crazy expensive for him. they also wanted to do mutalative surgery on him to 'help' prevent having more blockages but said he would still be at risk of infection so it was like.. we're just trading one problem for another and i'd rather not chop his pp off? he was only 3, not a decrepit on-his-last-legs old cat)

https://www.chewy.com/vetoquinol-methigel-gel-urinary/dp/109693

Help my cat son

He’s a good boy but needs expensive medical help to live

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redflagbreakfast · 2 years ago

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Entry 7: Rich Dad 4903

Trigger warning: mentions of child protection services and custody issues

In the past 8 months, a lot has happened. Despite my reservations, I asked the magistrate to give Kalvin another chance. During the court hearing, the CPS worker suggested that he should only have supervised visitation with Jack. This made me worried about the implications it would have on Jack’s martial arts, as his dad is his coach. I also worried about his relationships with his brother, dog, and friends from the dojo. I felt guilty and made excuses for Kalvin’s behavior, but the thought of doing everything alone again along with everything else on my plate was terrifying.

There has to be a way to support a relationship between them, with at least giving me some time for my own sanity.

“I would like to propose a new plan, your honor.” I say. The CPS workers eyes widen as she looks at me with confusion.

Desperate for a solution, I proposed a new plan to the judge that would support a safe environment for Jack while reducing Kalvin’s stress levels. I wanted to maintain Jack’s relationship with his little brother and not affect his karate training. After some discussion, our new plan was put in place. I would have Jack 80% of the time and take him to school every day, as well as drive him to karate on my days. His brother would also be present during their time together. Kalvin enrolled in anger management again and signed a stipulation agreement to no corporal punishment…Not that Kalvin ever followed the rules.

By the end of the hearing, I felt more confident that I could support him while taking care of myself, as long as he wasn’t cutting weight for a fight, everything should be fine..Right? The only one the plan was more difficult for was me.

After two years of splitting parenting duties 50/50, my life suddenly became much more complicated. To make things even more challenging, the new parenting plan was put into effect the same month that I had launched my fourth company. Although the newest company was taking off, I found myself constantly distracted by other issues. I was dealing with the consequences of fraud against my wellness company, banking problems associated with being associated with the cannabis industry and a costly mistake in trying to bring on a new sleazy partner right before the pandemic.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I was hit with a crushing abandoned purchase order that cost me a staggering $90,000. I was scrambling to make payments to my debtors that funded the international order by a man who had evaporated into thin air. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty hopeless about my ability to recover from all of this. Despite my distrust for pretty much all men, and most people in general, I knew I needed to let go of control and ask for help. I needed a team, I needed investment.

Four days away from an investor summit in Miami, I received an exciting invitation. Alexandra from the Charleston group told me that my cannabis brand was amazing and that it would be a breath of fresh air to pitch something so unique in front of nearly 100 vetted investors. My products sat at the intersection of two rapidly growing markets, sexual wellness and cannabis. If my pitch didn’t turn heads in a room full of dusty, middle aged, wealthy, male investors, certainly nothing would.

She even offered to let me pitch for free if I brought swag bags with samples for 120 people. Ecstatic about this opportunity, I scraped together my money and bought a ticket to Florida, even though it was the second trip I would need to take that weekend. California and Florida in the same day. The thought made my head spin. As challenging as these endeavors were, I was determined not to miss out on this opportunity.

Jack was competing towards his first official world title, and I was competing to win the attention of millionaires and billionaires. As important as this opportunity was, there is no way I could cancel my trip to prepare, I had to watch Jack shine and support him. I had to make both happen.

Especially with the wedge Kalvin had begun to drive between Jack and I. “He doesn’t need therapy!” Kalvin would insist, “He needs a mom who cares about him and doesn’t party!” His words made me boil with anger. Other than my brief 3 day Playa trip, I practically hadn’t even been out since May. I had given up every single self-serving thing in my life for Jack and for my companies over the last several months. I hadn’t even gotten my nails done since August. I gave up everything to make Jack feel loved, but now Kalvin had convinced him otherwise.

My baby boy, the one I would do anything for, was convinced that I was trying to ruin his life by “taking his dad away” from him, when in reality, I was responsible for convincing the court to keep him in it at all.

I worked feverishly building out the most intricate and beautiful pitch deck ever seen. Every page meticulously designed with expert attention to detail: pinks, blues and cream colors, complete with custom infographics that matched our brand kit. It was clean, it was sexy.

My newly strategized plan for the company started to excite me. I had new found confidence that I could explode my growth, if I just had the right support…and well…money. I excitedly send the deck over to Alexandra and the phone call I received, crushed my spirits yet again.

“Kate, I had no idea your company was so small! It looks like a multi-million dollar brand” she states emphatically. “Take it as a compliment.” Compliments don’t pay the bills… I think to myself. This comment was like hearing, “I am sorry, you are just over qualified! We will keep your resume on file.” When you so desperately needed the job.

“The people going in front of these investors need to be raising a minimum of 1-2 Million dollars, not the mere $60k you are looking for, I am sorry! But, the good news is, you will get to brush shoulders with multiple investors that just might be looking!”

I’ll take a million dollars. I thought to myself, I just needed to prove that what I had created was worth it.

I worked around the clock to craft the most beautiful cloth bags you had ever seen, complete with vivid, ironed on logos representing my three most recent brands that I would be representing at the summit.

Let’s see, 3 minutes of heat and firm pressure per bag + 2 minute cry sesh + unexpected trips to the store for more ink + nozzle head printer errors x 120 bags = no sleep for Kate yet again. I swear…my fucking printer will someday be the straw that breaks my back.

The all in cost for the bags and samples alone? Over $2000. My desire for perfection in branding had both its benefits and drawbacks. In this case, it became a curse. Despite this, donating the bags was a huge money-saver compared to the steep $10,000 fee required for everyone else to attend.…or at least Alexandra had tried to convince me of this after I discovered this expensive and wildly inconvenient trip was merely to “brush shoulders” and give away free shit.

Nonetheless, after a few sleepless nights, a meltdown in front of innocent onlookers at Office depot, and several cursing sessions at my printer, I was ready.

I begrudgingly decided to still go to Miami, for less than 25 hours. I would literally be flying from coast to coast in one day. 3 red eye flights for someone with a flying phobia and currently on a paupers budget is definitely not ideal.

The bags were finally complete and just had to be stuffed, with samples and literature. I picked up the Friday night shame-fest special: A giant Dr. Pepper and a 2600 calorie meal from Smash burger, after all, I’d earned it. I headed home to pull yet another all nighter. As I set up my assembly line of swag stuffing, I noticed a notification pop up on my screen, it was Dr. Sal. “Kate, can we please chat, I just want to see those eyes again.”

Having not talked since I left Mexico last week, I was taken aback when he requested a video call. But, I was feeling a bit lonely and bored, and with my night merely consisting of stuffing bags, and my face-with truffle fries- ahead of me, I figured some entertainment from the friendly Canadian narcissist wouldn’t hurt. “What harm could it possibly do?” I asked myself. Plus, I was on to his ego-stroking ways.

As I nestled into my snug leather couch, I carefully propped up my phone on the coffee table, prepared for the moment when he would call. And when he did, I had to do a double take, for he was much more handsome than I remembered! Despite being in the midst of a blizzard, he was radiantly beaming, bundled up in a dashing black pea coat that complemented his rugged charm perfectly.

I couldn’t help but notice the exquisite details that I had overlooked before. His broad, sturdy shoulders exuded strength and stability, while his black beard with salt and pepper streaks lent him an air of distinguished maturity. His hair was luxuriously thick and his dark eyes sparkled with a both mystery and new warmth and kindness that I hadn’t seen before.

At Illios, the Greek restaurant in Playa, I was on high alert and my guard was up, but now, as I saw him on the screen, my defenses melted away. We spoke for hours and I shared with him the struggles I had been facing, and he encouraged me, sharing his own story of being a Phoenix that had risen from the ashes. I quickly had to remind myself of all of the red flags I had already seen!

The way he looked at me, the way he spoke, would make the unsuspecting girl melt, but me? I knew better. He doted on me and told me how amazing it is to watch a hustler in action. “Your drive is so sexy.” Sal says, as he sensually bites the corner of his lip, then grins sheepishly. “You know, it is rare to find someone who has it all, the looks, the determination—-the dance moves.” He winks at me, with a that sparkle in his dark eyes and I feel a tiny jolt of excitement. He really was cute.

“Kate, there is something about you, so fresh, so new, so captivating. I just want to have the chance to get to know you, if you just give me the opportunity.” he says. “You have been working so hard, and I recognize that. I have an idea. I want you to come to Alberta, just for a weekend. I want to spoil you: Massages, nice dinners, some shopping and botox. It will be my treat, you just need to give me your time, and you will be wildly rewarded.” Wildly rewarded? I wonder to myself, what does he mean by that? “There is something about you that has a hold on me, and I just can’t get you out of my head. You have been on my mind since the very moment I laid eyes on you that first night at Bandido’s. I saw that guy all over you and it actually made me jealous.”

Geez…I think to myself…jealous of someone he just met when he was the one on a date! Red Flag!

He is future painting again, trips, shopping, BOTOX? Gosh, I miss my botox, I think to myself as I look at my image on the video screen. I really do need it, I’m looking rundown, tired and kind of sad, he must have noticed too. My self care budget had been the first to go as I struggled regain control of my business. I had been paying the price for someone else’s sins again, it just felt that life was never quite fair.

“Where is the summit?” Dr. Sal asks.

My mind was loosening up to the possibility of continuing to entertain this guy, and my bored, lonely self. It’ll just be a social experiment, I tell myself. I’m strong enough. I know all the signs and have been able to leave easily at the first sign of danger… I’ll even keep a journal of all the things he does along the way. A journal I can look back on when I start to question my own feelings and sanity. If I am careful, I can date this guy for fun and attention and come out even stronger on the other side. What could possibly go wrong? I eat reg flags for breakfast.

“The Biltmore Hotel” I reply.

“Is that where you are staying?” he asks. The question makes me a little uncomfortable. I am not sure I should tell him where I am staying, as he basically has stalked me across two continents by now.

“To be honest, I don’t know yet. It depends on how many sales I have between now and Monday, the Biltmore is like $600 a night, so no matter what, there is no way I am staying there!” I exclaim.

“Kate, you have never had a someone truly support you, have you?” He asks me, pity in his eyes.

“No, not really.” I reply softly.

“I want to get to know you and support you and your dreams. I have never felt this strong for someone so quickly.” Internally my stomach knots, instant red flag. Kalvin said all the exact same things to me in the beginning. Narcissists will try to make you feel like you are special, unique and valued to get you to put down your guard. They put you on a pedestal just to knock you right back down again when you are least suspecting.

“Check your messages!” he says with a sly, mischievous grin. “I have a little surprise for you.”

I open my messages and there is a screenshot of a receipt under my name for a king room at the Biltmore. Total: $594.81 PAID IN FULL

Wow…this guy really is something…

“Kate, I am on your team. I want to be your support system, the one you can count on.” he sweetly says. Despite the blazing red flags, my guard starts to slowly lower. “Thank you so much Sal, you don’t have any idea how much this means to me.” I say softly, genuinely grateful for this gesture, despite whatever his motive may be.

I start floating in the clouds and just as I begin to think maybe I was wrong about him, I notice the email address on the very bottom.

Purchaser’s email: richdad******@****.com

YEP and there it is! I tell myself, as I fall right back down on my ass to reality, This guy does this shit all the time! GROSS. However, the idea of a sugar daddy that is only a few years older than me who is actually moderately attractive, is not that repulsive of an idea after all. I dated Phil for 4 years before realizing he had a profile up scouring the internet for young and desperate, naive girls with a taste for Prada.

I went to great lengths to show my love and affection towards Phil – from elaborate birthday breakfasts in bed to an expensive trip to a beautiful treehouse in the woods that cost me a third of my income for the month. I also made sure to give thoughtful gifts and cards for each and every holiday. Despite my efforts, he never seemed to reciprocate in the same way. It took over three years for him to even get me a birthday present. While I appreciated the trips we went on together, it seemed like he only gave back if he knew there was something in it for him – like a weekend of great sex.

And now Dr. Sal had gifted me this room, with nothing in it for him at all…or was there?

I deserve to be spoiled. Is that what his goal is? I ask myself. There’s only one way to find out. There is no shame in my game now.

The tournament in California just the day before, had greeted me with a freak LA blizzard warning and freezing cold rain. To top it off I got to spend my weekend around Kalvin. I had modified the no contact order a few years back so I could be as involved as possible with Jack’s sports and still be safe. This would mean from time to time I had to be face to face with Kalvin, and this was one of those times.

I never knew how things would go. He used every tournament as an opportunity to get in my head, or make me feel bad for him. Earlier this year he told me and the staff at the dojo that his girlfriend, that we had never met, died of cancer. He posted a photo of them on his Instagram highlights during October for cancer awareness.

To honor her memory, he embroidered her name on his uniform belt and raised funds for the American cancer society. However, what he didn’t know was five months after her death, she had reached out to me from beyond the grave. She wasn’t dead at all! She revealed that he had become obsessively infatuated with her after just one date. He had shown up at her church uninvited, and didn’t even announce himself, yet texted her to tell her how she had looked good that day. He even attempted to send wine to her new boyfriend’s vacation home. As a final attempt to win her over, he sent her the picture of her name embroidered on his belt, “So I can keep you in my thoughts and prayers”, he had told her. This was the last straw.

She had to block him and was so disturbed by his red flags she felt she had to get deeper intel on how dangerous he really was. So she “ghosted him” and messaged me a few months later to ask if I thought he had moved on. Although she was alive, she was dead to him. It was not the first time that Kalvin had become fixated on someone after just one date. The lengths that this narcissist would go to to push his agenda, was truly psychotic. I shudder at the fact that my son has him as a role model for anything other than karate.

“That’s how he was with me, I totally get it, I’m so glad you saw the red flags and listened to your gut”, I reassured her, “he has certainly moved on by now.”

Or had he?

He mentioned, even recently, how devastated he was by her death, and their whirlwind 6 month relationship as he points to his embroidered belt with her name draped in the locker room in her memory.

I would certainly fake my own death to get away from him I could…I ponder how I can pull this off…as I chuckle to myself yet wince at just how crazy my son’s own father is.

The very first time I went to his house, about two weeks after we started dating, he excitedly showed me what he had done to the place. He had recently moved in and was an incredibly skilled artist and interior decorator, but one particular finishing touch he added would have any level headed woman run for their damn lives, but not me!

I was deeply infatuated with him just a few short weeks behind his pace. It turns out six pack abs, and a recent divorce, makes you a perfectly candidate for love bombing. I was putty in his manipulative hands. I take a moment and thank Jesus Christ himself that I had bailed on the matching tattoo appointment that he had scheduled for our 30 day anniversary.

In his immaculately clean bedroom, was a large king bed that was neatly made, a pristine white chiffon canopy adorning all four corners. But, that’s not what got my attention. On the night stand next to the bed was a dark, wooden frame, accompanied on either side with a vase of fresh flowers and deliciously scented vanilla candles. Inside the frame, a photo of me. Initially my eyes widened in confusion,“Where did you get that picture?” I asked with surprise. “I found them on your Facebook and just snagged them.” My gut starts to tighten as we weren’t even connected on social media yet, or so I thought.

He can sense my trepidation. “You are so gorgeous Kate, and I want everyone to know that you’re my girlfriend, that’s all!” Ok…I think to myself, it’s actually kind of sweet when you look at it like that. I reassure myself that it’s not a glaring red flag of what-in-the-actual-fuckery.

In 2 other locations in his house he also had candles and small framed portraits of ME, that he had printed, all within 2 weeks of dating. He showed me his meticulously organized and color coordinated closet. He beams with pride as he reveals a huge poster sized image of one of my previous fitness photo shoots. “How unbelievably sweet!” I gushed, to not let him sense my reservations.

I cringe at the thought that I was so unbelievably oblivious to the most blatant red flags in the history of the universe. Now, I get leery if a guy adds me on social media too soon now. But this, takes the award for the brightest red flag I’d seen up until this point in my inexperienced dating life. This flag held the award for the creepiest red flag until the tattoo of my face 2 years later.

7 years later and he still couldn’t let go of me. Any chance he got, he would try to win me back over by telling me in front of Jack how our love deserves another chance. Jack just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t give his number one hero a chance. Kalvin would strip his clothes off in my line of sight at these tournaments to “remind me what I was missing.” GAG I wasn’t missing any of it. In fact, guys with abs like that now make me uneasy. Abs are definitely overrated, and for the dick? A big dick doesn’t mean anything if it’s attached to a bigger dick.

But this time when he stripped his shirt off to prepare for his next kickboxing match, I actually did see something that excited me. The tattoo! I glance at his chest and examine it. It was faded heavily. I excitedly screech “Oh thank God! You are finally getting it removed?!!” “Yes, and this one too” he points to his most recent ex wife’s name he tattooed next to my face. “I’ve already had 4 excruciating sessions so far, and spent over $2000 and they still aren’t gone!” He grimaced. “Well, maybe you’ll finally learn your lesson this time.” I shrug. It gave me so much satisfaction to watch him pay this small this small price for at least some of his indiscretions.

As I arrive at the Biltmore, I gaze upon it’s gorgeous architecture and breathe in the warm, humid air, a very welcomed feeling after a cold wet weekend with my ex. Right in that very moment, as if he just knew, I get a message from Dr. Sal. “I hope you enjoy your stay. Take a selfie of the princess for me?”

“Thank you, Dr. Sal!” I utter to myself, and snap a photo to oblige his request. I can’t help but feel some similarities between Kalvin and Dr. Sal. Only time will tell, but this time I’m not starting from scratch, I’m starting from experience. I was ready and prepared for any grandiose gestures Sal might send my way. He’s in another country, I’m safe right?

It’s was his game after all, I am just going to play along. Now, the game’s outcome will be in my hands, he just doesn’t know it.

The conference goes as expected. I hang my head in exhaustion and notice several of my beautiful rush-ordered brochures littered around on conference room floor and began to add up the cost of the precious, wrinkled and soiled loot that I had paid to expedite in my head. Awesome….

The conference is full of hot shot men and a few money hungry wives. I was drained of all energy after countless hours of preparation for this potentially life changing “shoulder brushing” and now sick after clearly annihilating my immune system from days of travel, no sleep and a liquid diet of Dr. Pepper. I was burnt out. My normal chipper self was hiding somewhere within the shell of an exhausted, defeated woman, who was dangerously close to calling it all quits and simply getting a job at Costco.

My burnout, disappointment and quite possibly my third round of Covid was getting to me. This is one of my last chances to get out of this hole and save my company, but I feel like I have one foot in the grave. WAKE UP KATE!!! You can’t give up yet! I urge myself.

I go down to the gift shop for some DayQuil and a Red Bull to try to pull myself together. $28.42 Damn, I just want to go home! I think to myself as I reluctantly hand over my debit card.

I watched the other 5 people who were in my coveted spot of pitching their concepts. All of them had burned through millions of dollars and were raising millions more and were basically all pre-revenue.

My brand had substance, sales and a mission, but I had to sit back and watch them pat their own backs for simply a dream and a yearly burn rate bigger than my lifetime of earnings. I was nothing like these guys. I had built up my brand with integrity and resourcefulness, but somehow my brand was not taken seriously when it came to trying to get loans, funding or a fair valuation. My sales were over six figures and I was running it myself. If I could just get support, I would be bigger than all of these smooth talking big spenders.

The thought of brushing shoulders with some of these guys made me queasy, nevertheless, I tried. I guess it’s a little early to say if nothing will come from it other than some experience, it’s only been two weeks..but I feel like I need to accept that investment in the Biltmore weekend good as gone.

#surviving narcissism #entreprenuerlife #sociopath #narcissticabuseawareness #investment #abuse mention #red flags #obsession #love bombing #infatuation

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tunarex · 2 years ago

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whoever broke a mirror had better start gluing that motherfucker back together

Monday: a friend of mine was at my house for 8 hours crying because she's being kicked out of her house by her ex (i wish i could lightheartedly blame this on 'the straights' but it's too sad and stressful). i connected her with some resources but otherwise cannot help, which makes me feel like a shitty person and friend.

Tuesday: i got lightly internet bullied by a student. this hurt my feelings for about 2 minutes, then i just laughed it off because he's young and immature. also, i've been a teenager on the internet before, so he's more of a reflection of me than i want to admit.

Wednesday: our kitten got really sick and had to be rushed to the e-vet. 10 hours in the waiting room and $4,000 later, we transferred her to a different (cheaper) e-vet. the worst part of this night was sitting with other families who had to put their pets down because they couldn't afford the vet prices. little did i know at the time, there was a better and cheaper vet 20 minutes drive west.

Thursday: transfer day. we get our kitten to a different vet. we finally start to feel a little better. these people are nicer and more affordable for the same level of care. the reality of how much this is costing starts to settle over the front of my mind and my eyes get blurry. i realize i'm crying.

Friday morning: my niece gets into a horrendous car wreck. they are admitted overnight in the trauma unit. there are a couple different miracles happening here: 1) they forgot to bring their brother with them that morning, and it was the passenger side of the car that was destroyed beyond recognition, so if they had brought him, he would be dead, and 2) even though the car was completely destroyed, they only broke their ass. so it'll be a few awkward and painful weeks on crutches, but they otherwise got away with very little physical damage.

Friday night: my partner gets a call from their sister. their step-dad is dying. he's been given a year to live. we've been expecting this call, but after the week we've had, it was a hard pill to swallow.

Saturday: the curse has lifted! our kitten and my niece are able to come home. some relief.

Sunday: i try aerial yoga for the first time. i tremble and cry through the entire class. it was not a good decision after a long, stressful week.

check in on your people. take some stuff off your plate. rest. recoup. and build up your savings, cuz you literally never know when an e-vet is going to fuck you.

#vet #bad luck #broken mirror #week log #cursed #life post #rant

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ghostradiodylan · 11 months ago

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I love all of these!

I agree with moth so much about Kaitlyn, like I wish we got a tiny bit more depth on her interests/background. I’m slowly working on a very Kaitlyn heavy chapter so she’s on my mind a lot but I’m just making everything up out of whole cloth.

I have her planning on pre-law because she’s smart and argumentative lol but I could see her pivoting to something like ER nurse or EMS because she’s learned she’s good in a crisis. She could also be too traumatized to ever want to do that sort of thing again though, hard to know how people will respond to something like that.

Agree that Abi does art school and I could totally see her getting into tattooing as well, or else she might be a muralist or book illustrator. Hopefully she learns that glasses don’t actually wrap around your face like in that picture she drew of Nick.

Speaking of whom, I imagine Nick dropping out of culinary school but sort of falling upwards and ending up one of those private chefs who cooks marijuana-infused dishes for fancy people. Saved the following tweet because I was like, oh, literally Nick.

Agree with you both about child care and house husband/trophy husband Max! I imagine he teaches or works at a daycare until he and Laura have kids or adopt or whatever and then he’s a stay at home dad and maybe does side hustles or something.

Laura absolutely sticks with the vet path, she’s worked too hard to get there! I wonder if she’d end up in small animal practice or if she’d end up doing farm/agriculture stuff and making bank that way. She could even end up working with zoo animals but I think she’s done with large predators. However she chooses to go, it’s a stressful job (but less stressful than jail/werewolf hunting) and having Max to take care of everything at home helps keep her sane. I imagine he’s incredibly proud of her.

Jacob I imagine coaching, like, middle school football or soccer or both and being a gym teacher and just really relishing the kids fucking each other up with dodgeballs. Or maybe he ends up doing kinesiology or being a physical therapist or something. Definitely something sporty that keeps him active.

I really agree with the idea of Emma making herself as busy as humanly possible with extracurriculars so she never has to think about the past, and with her doing social media/content creation type stuff. I feel like she really laments missing the mid aughts Buzzfeed craze. Can you imagine Emma’s “why I left Buzzfeed” video? The tea would be so hot.

Dylan to me definitely sticks with physics and he either goes all the way and ends up a researcher/professor or burns out at the grad school level and ends up working in tech or something. Several of my friends did college radio shows and he would 100% fit in with them so that’s canon to me but I love the podcast idea too, I want him and Ryan to host one together but idk if they could stand for it to be about spooky stuff after everything.

Ryan works for a company that makes decision based narrative horror games. 😂 Because I swear he’s just a self-insert from some of the SMG devs. Either that or he swings completely in the other direction and animates whimsical children’s movies. I feel like he might do an English minor and work on folklore and storytelling type stuff. I really think he and Abi would connect on art and maybe they’d do installations together or something.

Thank you both for playing! I love thinking about this stuff so much! 💖 Everyone else with future headcanons feel free to chime in!

In an Everyone Lives scenario, what majors/career paths do you think all the Hacketteers would end up in? Obviously we have animation for Ryan and physics for Dylan suggested in the game but so many people end up changing their majors anyway, I wonder if the experience would lead them on different paths than they’d originally intended.

thank you for making me think about this, it's one thing i've been putting off but i also think about all the time

so right off the top of my head, i think about Max's major a lot & i end up tossing two things around - law school or childcare/teaching. he seems like a level-headed guy, he breaks down situations in pieces until he understand them ("You remember when I said, 'whoa, look at the moon. it's so big and bright and- it's so cool to see a full moon' and you said "yeah no shit, Max, it happens once a month'?"), & also.... we've all seen his outfit in the 50s pack. but i still come back to childcare bc i grew up working in childcare & he just seems the type for it. maybe he got rejected from Landis for law & pursues childcare or teaching at a smaller school instead & ends up one of those teachers that everyone wants to get on their schedule

Laura, the love of my life, the breath in my lungs, is such a headstrong badass that she prolly still pursues her vet degree, altho i can see her minoring/taking a few psychology classes to coach her & Max thru the rough times

Abi definitely finds her way to art school, i just don't see her changing that. i do think she expands from just sketching & gets into different mediums - pottery, possibly sculpting, using charcoal and paint - bc i think she'd find it calming to work with her hands, cover her skin in anything but red, & she'd lean into it for stress relief

uhh Nick is so complicated sometimes that predicting what the absolute FOOL (affectionate) is going to do is impossible. i want to say culinary school but if i'm being honest, i think he would end up dropping out & just working at restaurant. i don't say this bc i hate him, i say this bc he's a clown. (also i may or may not have done the same thing, minus the culinary part) or maybe he becomes a forest ranger & spends time alone in his ranger tower listening to the forest

Jacob i whole-heartedly believe goes for coaching/athletics or something, but he joins the college sports team (prolly football or maybe hockey) & that's the path he ends up following. he definitely has to get a tutor

i think Emma maybe pursues marketing/advertising or something of the sort, but i also think she def starts loading up her schedule. volunteer work? no worries, she can run it. student council? sure, she'll apply. you know, lacrosse sounds rlly fun all of a sudden, she should join the team! & she kills, obvi. if she never thinks about it, it never happened. if she never has time to think, she can never think about it

Kaitlyn.... she's the one i've been thinking about the most. she's such an odd character bc we see so much of her & yet i still feel like we don't know anything about her. her entire character is kind of just "im mean, i know first aid & i can shoot" & then we love her bc she's a badass. which i don't mind but it makes it kind of hard to make theories on her future. i imagine she IS one who ends up switching her major. she prolly starts with what she had planned - maybe an english degree? - but then switches bc hackett's quarry changed her & she'll never stop thinking about it. i like to think maybe she ends up in enviromentalism, or possibly on the nursing track. something to occupy her mind

Ryan & Dylan honestly seem rlly well suited for their majors so i don't know of i can imagine them doing something else. i do think Ryan starts taking self-defense class & prolly makes Sarah go with him just to be sure she knows. just in case. Dylan takes a part-time job at either the school's radio station or a local one, & if he DID drop out, he would 100% start a podcast. all those fanfics are canon

this was rlly fun to think about even tho i'm not sure how accurate they are - i would love to hear other ideas! thank you for the ask :)

#the quarry #the hacketteers my loves #where are they now #maybe not NOW because it’s only been two years post canon irl #I’m excited to read the 10 years post canon thing!

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theveryworstthing · 3 years ago

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I Live.

Gonna give y’all a little life update copy-pasted from patreon since I’ve been gone for a thousand years. I don't really want to get deep into everything because sharing too many private details about my life/family on the internet feels a little icky even when people are nice but a quick rundown is:

1. My mom was helping my aunt through the legal proceedings of a messy divorce from her abusive ex husband and had to fly to her place like every 2 weeks. During her stays there she sensed something was wrong and after a few doctor's visits we found out that my aunt has early onset dementia. She's being taken care of by family and her shitty ex will never see her again if we have any say so but it's been Rough. She doesn't deserve this shit.

2. Surgery Bonanza! Mom has to get a giant mysterious fatty mass schlorped out of her back and my Grandma Lou' s thyroid gland went insaneo style and blew up into two huge masses that had to be cut out of her throat before they completely cut off her breathing. Then she had a bonus surgery to help with her failing eyesight. On the bright side, there was no cancer found in the weird lumps harvested from my kin.

3. My cat developed a weird lump full of cancer. I spotted a small lump on his right back leg over a month ago and after begging his former vet for an appointment sooner than 2 weeks away we finally got him in. Within seconds she said that it was probably cancer and that if it is he probably won't survive the treatment for it because he's 15 so do I really want to know? Because if I know then maybe I'll want to treat this expensive thing but if I wanted to let it ride it might be easier I guess? Because letting my weird little son die without trying to save him or give him proper end of life care is cool as long as it's cheaper and I don't have to think about it as much???? This was before any sort of intensive check on him or the tumor was done btw. The little dude was pretty much either a dead man walking or he had some mysterious swelling that time would take care of as far as she was concerned. Either way there was the vibe that she kind of wrote him off.

I ordered tests for him anyway, waited 2 weeks to get inconclusive answers, ordered an x-ray (which should have been done with the other test but whatever), waited a week and a half to learn that yeah, he probably does have cancer maybe and thank god it's not spreading too fast because uh oh! It's been almost a month and that bad boy has been growing this whole time!!!! Also it took weeks for them to bother scheduling any kind of re-check. At this point they say that there's nothing they can do and offer to get me in contact with what seems to be the only animal cancer specialist around. Who's like 2 and a half hours away. And has a crazy wait list. Did I mention that Coup hates being stuck in his carrier and will stress out and cry constantly every time he's forced to travel anywhere? So after reaching out to friends and family I found another much closer vet who could give me a second opinion first and thank god I found that place because not only did they actually judge him by his actual level of health instead of just his age when it comes to treatment (besides the cancer Coup is healthy as an ox, stellar scores in bloodwork and overall cat-ness, vet said that judging from his behavior/usage of the leg that we're probably more concerned about the situation than he is) but they also had a treatment plan rolled out and ready by the end of the visit. The boy is almost done with his chemo injections now and even though the shrinking is slow he's still in great health so we're daring to dream.

Fuck The Haters.

Other things happened but I don't want to talk about those things. The bottom line is that I'm not juggling a hell schedule or crying every day now so I want to get back in the drawing saddle. Thanks again to everyone on patreon who stuck around and basically threw their money in this mysterious pit, Y'all helped pay my bills when I was literally too mentally wrecked to work. And thanks to everyone else who sent me random good vibes, hoped I was okay, said nice things about my art, and were generally pretty cool even though I fled social media. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

#talkin #medical #cancer #just chock full of downers

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blzzrdstryr · 3 years ago

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Yanderes caring for a sick darling hcs - Mondstadt boys edition

Starring: Albedo, Diluc, Kaeya, Venti

[Mondstadt girls edition]

[Liyue boys edition]

Albedo:

As a renowned alchemist, Albedo is very proficient in all alchemical fields, including bio alchemy.

Subsequently, he is also very knowledgeable in the inner workings of the human body, and understands the biological mechanism behind most illnesses and how to prevent them.

Alchemist takes a lot of preventive measures, keeping you on a healthy diet and having you exercise daily. He also begrudgingly lets you out on the walks, with his supervision and far away from any civilisation of course.

He also has a keen eye for changes in your body and he will realize you caught something before you even sense it.

In that case he'll just slip some medicine into your food and you'll get better even before sickness progresses further.

All in all, Albedo is great at keeping you healthy, as your physical well-being is a very high priority to him.

However, the alchemist can become so consumed by his studies that even you temporarily fade into the background.

It’s a very short window of time, but if you manage to get significantly ill, he will blame himself to Hell and back.

You won’t know of his self-loathing though, as Albedo isn't expressive enough, wearing a facade of calmness even if everything beneath it boils and burns

He will quickly find a cure, and do everything to help you feel better as his mind starts to wander into darker places.

Albedo possesses a wide array of knowledge and he knows various cases when simple colds lead to some awful complications that sometimes have cost lives.

Logically he knows it's highly unlikely that you will get that bad, especially under his care, yet the anxious thought remains, nagging at him.

Your illness will be as stressful to him as it is to you. Alchemist's brain will conjure thousands of unfortunate possibilities that could harm you and cut your life short.

Once you recover, Albedo will sigh in relief and rethink his measures regarding your health - he can't let something like this happen again.

Maybe he should start slipping some prophylactic drugs into your food.

Diluc:

Ragnvindr heir is fiercely protective of you, eager to shield your being from any harm possible, including sickness and injury.

Just like Albedo he also takes preventive measures - diet, exercise, monthly check ups, even very short and very supervised walks on the winery territory.

Diluc is a big worrier, he almost always feels low level anxiety especially if it's something regarding your well-being.

He even thought of buying a manor - Dawn Winery, despite its impressive size, is still too small for an inner garden or a courtyard and with a new estate you could walk among greens and get your dose of fresh air without actually going outside, and the possibility of your escape will be lower too.

Diluc also derives some sort of pleasure from caring to you - it’s an act of both love and ownership to him. He will never admit of the latter though, as his feelings regarding your kidnapping are very confused and conflicted - Ragnvindr lies to himself, saying that it was for your protection only. Admitting that he feels possessive of you is admitting that he yearned not only for your safety.

Despite that, Diluc still has to part with you from time to time - he is a busy man having to juggle winery business, patrol Mondstadt streets as Darknight hero and fight against Fatui and Abyss at the same time. He will entrust you in the hands of Adelinde and a couple of other maids who went through a harsh vetting process, ordering them to keep an eye on your health at all times.

He will be more concerned about your sickness than you are, spending ridiculous amounts of mora on physicians and medicine.

The doctor can diagnose with a simple cold, yet Diluc will ask another for a check up just to be sure - who knows maybe the first one has made a mistake, maybe even the second one also misinterpreted your symptoms. Same goes for the treatments, as he has no faith in them either.

He will fret over you like a worried mother hen, but because of Diluc’s usual awkwardness he will fail at displaying his concern, so you will be stuck with even gloomier Diluc looming over you.

He will spend so much time near you he might catch the illness himself.

Diluc will start thinking about buying a manor more often.

Kaeya:

Kaeya isn’t the best at caretaking.

He won’t even believe you at first, thinking that it may be some kind of ploy to fool him and escape. He would absolutely do that if he was in your situation.

Cavalry captain will give you a knowing look every time you cough, sneeze or complain about soreness and fatigue. Who could’ve known that he would rub off onto you?

He will believe you once you develop more severe symptoms, like fever or unstoppable cough, that leaves you shaking and in tears.

Kaeya will jokingly apologize for his lack of trust, but he will be panicking beneath the mocking smile.

A lot of people have abandoned him in the past, and he will view your ailment as you trying to leave him too by dying.

A rational part of him knows that it’s not true, it’s not your fault that you got sick and death is definitely not a way out for you.

He will also reassess the way he views you - despite being talented at interpersonal communication playing on your heartstring and manipulating you into what he wants Kaeya isn’t the best at understanding himself.

Before he thought little of you - you’re a toy, a scapegoat, a stress relief, nothing that holds any significance and cannot be replaced, yet the prospect of losing you puts the whole situation into new light. In less than a day you are mentally elevated from the mere plaything, to someone important, someone irreplaceable.

He won't change the general way he acts around you though, as he thinks of emotional vulnerability and openness as a major weakness to exploit, still being that teasing and infuriating bastard you came to know him as.

Yet sometimes Kaeya will allow himself small moments - things that usually wouldn’t matter so much - a chaste kiss placed on the top of your head, his hand tracing yours, fingers intertwined together. He will also be a tiny bit more lenient when you misbehave.

Unlike Diluc or Albedo, Kaeya lacks funds or knowledge to treat you right away - he can’t bribe multiple doctors into keeping their mouth shut and his knowledge of biology is surface level at best.

He will still try regardless, giving you the same medicine he buys in the rare times he gets sick.It’s a win or lose situation, as his treatment may both worsen and better your health.

Venti:

Venti is acutely aware of your mortality and fragility, memories of thousands of thousands deaths resurfacing everytime he sees you approaching even the hint of danger.

As a result, he is very protective of you, no matter how carefree and childish he may act, as his teal eyes carefully oversee everything you do.

Nevertheless, the sickness, the ailment - this particular aspect of human vulnerability slips his mind - Barbatos, despite his peaceful demeanor, is someone who lived through a lifetime of turmoil - the overthrow of Decarabian’s despotic rule, earth shattering Archon war, Vennessa’s rebellion against corrupt Lawrences.

He always feared that your life would be ended by the stray arrow or a swift sword, not an illness.

Venti will cure you right away using his powers - with gnosis or not, he is still a mighty deity, even if years of absence left him weakened.

Although you’re perfectly fine and healthy now, the bard will still fret over you, scared of your passing.

Expect to have him hovering and being extra clingy for the next few weeks - archon’s life is long and lonely, full of losses and passing, no wonder that he wants to protect you from the whole world.

#yandere genshin impact x reader #Yandere Diluc x reader #Yandere Kaeya x reader #Yandere Albedo x reader #Yandere Venti x reader #Yandere genshin impact #Yandere diluc #Yandere Kaeya #Yandere Albedo #Yandere venti #Yandere genshin #Yandere genshin x reader #Yandere male #Yandere x reader #Yandere #my writing

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cellsshapedlikestars · 2 years ago

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Ok so fun week. On Monday & Tuesday Beauregard wasn't eating. I had to break his food up really small (he won't eat wet food) before he would. When I went to the vet in July, they told me he had some tooth issues and needed a level 2 cleaning, but I know they're short staffed and a tooth cleaning is low priority. But Monday I also noticed he had new bumps beneath his chin.

So I called the vet and they finally scheduled the cleaning and told me to bring him in today about the bumps. Wednesday and even this morning, he was eating fine and seemed normal so I thought I'd just overreacted.

But it turns out he has chin acne, which is a thing cats can get apparently, and it was inflamed and his gums were inflamed and I mentioned his one ear seemed weird and he also had a buildup/infection in there. So my worry was not unfounded and now I get to apply two different antibiotics to this dumb dumb cat and I just love him so much and I hate that he's been in pain and I hadn't really noticed because normally he acts totally fine

Anyway, I'm done rambling now but I have been STRESSED this week. I care way more about his health than I do my own.

If you decided to read this, here's a picture of The Void admiring himself.

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ramzawrites · 4 years ago

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Hey, so I'm having a really rough time rn (dealing with bs from my friend group, we have to take my really old dog to the vet today bc we found blood in her pee and we're scared that she won't make it this time, I'm struggling with my mental health, I'm just kinda goin thru it rn ig) so I would love a comfort fic with the sbi maybe with the reader as their sibling where the reader is the one that always comforts the fam, but hides their emotions until (1/2, very sorry about splitting it)

(2/2) something happens that makes the reader have a full on breakdown? I'll leave the rest to you, it can be a good or bad ending, headcanons or one shots, anything. You can ignore this request if you want/if it makes you uncomfortable. Please don't feel pressured/guilt tripped to write anything from this, your mental health comes first and I'm sure you're already really busy. Reminder to eat something today if you haven't yet and get a drink of water <3

We are family - Reader and SBI!Brothers

Pairings: none

Characters included: Wilbur, Technoblade, Tommy, (mentioned) Niki, (mentioned) Schlatt

Warnings: n/a

Series: a request <3

Summary: Y/N came back from an errand and surprises their brothers with their weird behavior. Trying to put on their usual smile, trying to hide away their real emotions but their brothers know them better than they inititally suspected. They could immediately tell that something must have happened.

Words count: 2060

Authors Note: I’m so sorry this took so long! I hope you and your dog are doing better! 💙 I wish I could give you more than words of encouragement and that I managed to get faster to this request, I apologize Please make sure to take care of yourself, alright? Take time for yourself to deal with the stress and anxiety! Make sure to stay hydrated and remember to eat! Even if it’s just something small!

Once again I apologize for the long wait, I felt really bad already and then I kinda put it off because I felt bad.

adhd hit hard again and haven’t checked for typos yet, but will get on it as soon as I can o7

On another note if you want to read another comfort fic; I have a small series called “A Painful Reminder” which is more angsty but the 2nd part is more about the comfort, if that is something for you

Living in the SMP was chaotic, turbulent and at times downright painful.

Most people tended to gravitate to one cause or other people to deal with this. Holding on to something so they don’t get pulled under. Get buried beneath the chaos and the violence.

So having people like Y/N around was like a godsend. They were one of the few people that seemed to be able to withstand the constant waves of misfortune and stand strong. Be the rock to hold onto when everything got too overwhelming.

Wilbur, Technoblade and Tommy loved their sibling for it.

After Wilbur and Tommy got exiled with Y/N out of L’Manberg, they were there and cheered both of their siblings up. Immediately making plans on how to set up a safe home and collecting ideas on how to get back. They were the one who managed to get a message out to Technoblade and asked him to visit them. Maybe help them.

Wilbur often jokingly said that Y/N was the glue that held the family together, to which they would always reply with the warmest of smiles “I’m glad.”

And what he said was true. Whenever the family fell on hard times and they began to drift apart it was Y/N who pulled all of them back. Pulling them back to reality and giving solutions for their problems if needed.

Sitting down with Wilbur when things got to much. Listening to his thoughts and worries, letting his emotion run freely without judgement. While they looked worried for him, their comforting smile never faltered. Offering him solutions to problems if he wanted it, otherwise they gave him the chance to just air his own thoughts out. To be angry with him. Sad with him.

Working with Tommy on his own projects. Listening to his ideas and giving him a different perspective that could improve some things but also respecting it when Tommy wanted to do this his way. And while he liked to brag and pretend that some things didn’t hit him that hard, they were still patiently listening to him as he spoke about his own pain in a more roundabout way. Telling him that he was not alone and making him feel heard.

Talking to Technoblade whenever the voices got too loud or out of hand again. He would just walk over to them and nudge them away, asking them to talk about something, no matter what. He just needed to hear their voice and be able to concentrate on it. Tune out the garbled voices in his head with a familiar sound that calmed him down no matter what. Leaning against them, slowly falling asleep as Y/N told all about how they were happily working on their own farm and what shenanigans they got up to.

Y/N really was like the warm sun on a cold day. Warming them up and protecting them.

Yes, Y/N was strong. So strong that even Technoblade considered them stronger than him. Maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally.

A clanging of metal rung through the cave. Techno was training with Wilbur while Tommy was just watching. Cheering on Techno.

It wasn’t an unusual situation and something Y/N expected to see as they made their way down the staircase. Wilbur in full iron armor and weapon while Techno just fought back with his own iron sword.

“Hey, Y/N! Welcome back!” Wilbur breathed out. Sweat running down the side of his face as he stopped attacking his brother.

The three men looked happily over to their sibling who slowly walked towards them but soon their expressions fell. Something was off about Y/N and it confused the three.

Their smile was as always plastered on their face but it looked strained. Their eyes wide open, trying to look sincere and loving but the glassy look of them gave off a different picture.

“Y/N? You okay?” Tommy asked as he stood up from the ground. Taking a step closer to them which made them in return stop in their tracks.

Y/N was hugging themself, shakily opening up their mouth to answer but nothing came out. It was then when Techno got very aware of how they were shaking in general.

This all seemed so wrong. This shouldn’t be possible. It just didn’t seem to register fully inside their minds.

Wilbur made sure to get rid off his sword and armor as fast as he could, walking over to his sibling, trying to get a better look at them but they just avoided his gaze.

Staring at the ground, slowly shaking their head “It’s- It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“You aren’t. You really aren’t. What happened? Did they find you?” Techno asked, his voice full with worry. A bit of anger hidden as well.

Y/N had their own little farm in order to support Pogtopia. The potatoes from Techno were great but variety is important after all. Though they also had an abundance of wheat they usually tried to smuggle into Manberg for Niki. Trying to help her out as much as possible with her taxes and work.

This time Y/N nodded “They did… It’s fine though. I’m fine. I’m not hurt. It’s all good.”

Wilbur’s frown deepened “Usually when people have to be so adamant about being okay something isn’t alright.”

Tommy nodded, supporting his statement only to whisper to himself “Adamant? What does-“

But Wilbur continued “We are your family, talk to us.”

Y/N licked their chapped lips “I’m-“

The tears finally escaped their eyes and begun streaming down their face. Sobbing they fell down on the ground. Wilbur immediately followed suit, laying his arm around them and pulling them against his chest. His hand flew up to their head and begun going through their hair, trying to calm them down. Humming a soft tune from their childhood.

It was the first time in their lives they saw Y/N break down like that and it was quite frankly shocking.

Unsure what to do with himself Tommy squatted down “Um, uh, what- what happened?”

Techno was still gripping the iron sword in his hand. Pacing up and down. Manberg found them? What the hell did they do to make Y/N break down like that? His own sibling! Whatever it was he would make sure to pay it back a thousand times over.

“Tommy can you grab them some water?” Wilbur laid his chin on top of Y/N’s head, rubbing circles now on their back.

He didn’t even hesitate, jumping up to run towards one of the chests with food items that Y/N had always ready for them. Grabbing a water bottle and running back over. Happy that he could do something else besides staring.

Tommy then pushed the bottle towards Y/N who gratefully took it, putting some space between them and Wilbur as they drank some of the cold liquid which helped them to calm down.

“You ready to tell us what happened?” Techno stopped pacing around. His gaze purely trained on his crying sibling. Anger still rising in him just like the voices.

Screaming things like “Technosib! How dare they hurt them! Protect them! I love Y/N so much! Why would anyone hurt Y/N! They always help us! Let’s help them for a change! Technosib! Let’s go out and fight them! Yeah! Blood for the Blood God and Y/N!”

Y/N’s voice was still wavering and a bit scratchy from their sobbing as they begun speaking “Hey, hey! Techno don’t concentrate on the voices. Listen to me. It’s all good.”

This somehow made Techno angry. He threw the sword away and finally knelt down next to them as well so his face was on the same eye level as theirs “Stop. Please. Stop thinking about us for one second. Stop trying to not make us uncomfortable or worried! Tell us what happened! Please.”

He was basically begging at the last part. All his worry packed into it.

“Yeah, honestly you trying to make sure everything is okay for us makes us even more worried.” It surprised the others a bit that this came from Tommy but he was correct.

Tears fell down their face again “I- I was just delivering more wheat to Niki and someone must have followed me. They followed me back to my farm and- and- they burned my fields down. There were explosions. I- it was just my farm. I did not harm. Just, why does it always have to end like this. Why do all the good things always end like this. Why can’t this place let something be. There is always something.”

The farm was so important to Y/N. It was their little project they put so much sweat, love and work into. It was their home away from home. A place to retreat and enjoy some peace. This obviously was devastating. It was their one thing they had for themself. The one thing that wasn’t there for anyone else but them.

It was also clear that this seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and it broke the three a bit that they only now seemed to notice this. That it took that long and their whole farm being destroyed for the realize this was heartbreaking.

“Who?” Techno urged but Y/N shook their head.

“I don’t know. Everything went so fast and I tried to save as much as I could but- but it’s all gone. It’s all gone.” Their voice jumped up an octave at the end, burying their face against Wilbur’s shoulder again. Silently sobbing.

It should have been impossible but Wilbur’s frown deepened and his expression turned more grim “Don’t worry. We will get back at them. We will get our revenge. They will see firsthand what they did to you, I promise.”

Shocked Y/N looked up, their red and puffy eyes wide open “Wil, that’s not what I- no revenge. There is already too much misery going around I just want this to stop. I just want all of us being able to live in peace.”

Wilbur should have known that Y/N was too good natured for that but he couldn’t help himself. He was just so angry. Angry at Schlatt and Manberg. That they went for him was one thing but to go out of their way to treat Y/N like this? Let’s just say he put it on the list in bold letters with reasonings on why he will get back at the Manberg faction.

“Listen Y/N.” Techno begun, his voice now calm again “Stop it. Just for once think about yourself. Stop thinking about others for once. You are also worthy of the same care you give us. Let us at least help rebuild your farm. You always help us with our projects, let us help you with yours.”

Tommy seemed to lit up at that “That sounds like a good idea! We could build towers around your new farm and make sure no one gets in! We could put down traps and all!”

He really wasn’t sure how to react but that was at least something he could do for them. As the past General’s right hand man, this should be something he can do. If he couldn’t protect his sibling how could he ever hope to get L’Manberg back.

Wilbur seemed to think about it for a bit but agreed “Yeah, how does that sound?” Though the dark glint in his eyes stayed. The cogs in head still running off with his own thoughts.

“You guys would? Since when can you guys build?” a dry laugh escaped them but it was a laugh nonetheless.

Both Tommy and Wilbur looked almost appalled at that claim while Techno just shrugged and nodded. Just looking around Pogtopia was more functioning than good looking after all. Y/N tried to pretty it up a bit but usually something always happened around here.

“Also Y/N, please talk to us more. Don’t bottle everything up. Please. We worry a lot about you and we love you. You always do so much for us, let us do the same.” Wilbur pushed Y/N a bit off of him and looked them deep into their eyes, hoping that this would really hammer in that this was a genuine plea.

As a respone Y/N wiped the tears off their face “I understand. I’ll try to remember that.”

“Don’t try just do it.”

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