#and the guilt weighs so much

[stevestark]

10 year old Erica Sinclair asked to climb through a vent and saying "I don't have phobias" played as a joke

but then they're in a Russian lab and she's still not afraid. she's mad about missing a sleepover and Uncle Jack's birthday party

she helps Dustin rescue Robin and Steve and doesn't show an ounce of fear

she yells at Murray and clowns the adults and tells them why their plan is bullshit

she hikes up to Cerebro and helps Dustin reach Suzie

she never once is afraid, even though it's meant to be a joke when she said that

when she's invited to Hellfire, Eddie goes full dickhead senior and talks down to her thinking the kids are pulling his leg and not taking him or the game seriously

and does she falter? no! she gives as good as she gets and rips him a new one because social pecking orders are stupid and she can handle her shit

when the cops start flinging mud at Hellfire she snaps the fuck back

when they drag Lucas, Max, and Dustin in as suspects she doesn't waver in her assurance that Hellfire has nothing to do with the deaths

when they tell her it's something from before she isn't scared — she starts asking the right questions to help them win

she walks into a store that caters to people who hate anyone who looks like her and fills the cart with weapons and supplies

the only time — THE ONLY TIME— we see her afraid is when she can't get through the door to Lucas

because she might think she's better than everyone in Hawkins (she is)

she might think she can handle her shit (she can)

but she does have one (1) phobia

because she might be fierce and formidable and badass

but her greatest strength is her loyalty. she likes to act like her only loyalty is to her bottom line, to what Erica gets out of this

but these stupid weirdos earned her loyalty too

and she'll be damned if she can't save them

[canisalbus]

Imagine if Machete was Muslim instead of Catholic. His name would be something like Saif سيف, and Vasco would probably be something like Dhahabi ذَهَبِيّ

.

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

its fucking me up so much tho because like. for dapper specifically the island reset is SUCH a good thing. it gets him AWAY from the vultures and his lab. it’s given him so much to do- he doesnt need to worry about reaching above and beyond to be helpful to Painful extents because he’s already above and beyond with his knowledge and willingness the learn. He can play with birds and go exploring with his dad and it’s fresh and new and fun!!!

but now his dad forgot him. he lost his dad for a whole night and when bad came back he didnt fuckigng recognize him. dapper wasnt remembered by the other islanders on the train because bad is ALWAYS there to remember him but now his dad had trouble recognizing him when he was right in front of him. “IT’S ME DAD” god. dapper has so many distractions right now from her self-harming helpfulness, but there’s nothing that can distract her from this

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

Me reading the description of episode 30: oh, that's fine! that's not so bad! i can deal with that!

Me after listening to episode 30:

[jonsnowunemploymentera]

It’s important that the first revelation of Nissa Nissa is accompanied by some level of skepticism from Salladhor Saan and aversion on Davos’ part. It doesn’t sound right that Azor Ahai chose to sacrifice his wife for a magic sword. It shouldn’t sound right.

“A hundred days and a hundred nights he labored on the third blade, and as it glowed white-hot in the sacred fires, he summoned his wife. ‘Nissa Nissa,’ he said to her, for that was her name, ‘bare your breast, and know that I love you best of all that is in this world.’ She did this thing, why I cannot say, and Azor Ahai thrust the smoking sword through her living heart. It is said that her cry of anguish and ecstasy left a crack across the face of the moon, but her blood and her soul and her strength and her courage all went into the steel. Such is the tale of the forging of Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes.

“Now do you see my meaning? Be glad that it is just a burnt sword that His Grace pulled from that fire. Too much light can hurt the eyes, my friend, and fire burns.” Salladhor Saan finished the last grape and smacked his lips. “When do you think the king will bid us sail, good ser?”

[…] A true sword of fire, now, that would be a wonder to behold. Yet at such a cost … When he thought of Nissa Nissa, it was his own Marya he pictured, a good-natured plump woman with sagging breasts and a kindly smile, the best woman in the world. He tried to picture himself driving a sword through her, and shuddered. I am not made of the stuff of heroes, he decided. If that was the price of a magic sword, it was more than he cared to pay.

Not only does it not make sense that Nissa Nissa would agree to her husband’s request, it’s also telling how Salladhor Saan expresses relief in knowing that King Stannis didn’t actually forge Lightbringer. Because forging Lightbringer means human sacrifice. And why should one be deprived of their life, even if it’s for a magic sword? Davos is very right to be creeped out by it.

The theme of sacrifice shows up quite a bit in ASOIAF and Davos I isn’t the first or last time. The very first chapter in the series, Bran I, tackles this idea with Jon and the direwolves.

“Lord Stark,” Jon said. It was strange to hear him call Father that, so formal. Bran looked at him with desperate hope. “There are five pups,” he told Father. “Three male, two female.”

“What of it, Jon?”

“You have five trueborn children,” Jon said. “Three sons, two daughters. The direwolf is the sigil of your House. Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord.”

Bran saw his father’s face change, saw the other men exchange glances. He loved Jon with all his heart at that moment. Even at seven, Bran understood what his brother had done. The count had come right only because Jon had omitted himself. He had included the girls, included even Rickon, the baby, but not the bastard who bore the surname Snow, the name that custom decreed be given to all those in the north unlucky enough to be born with no name of their own.

Their father understood as well. “You want no pup for yourself, Jon?” he asked softly.

“The direwolf graces the banners of House Stark,” Jon pointed out. “I am no Stark, Father.”

Jon, though he may desperately desire to have his own piece of magic, would not sacrifice his siblings for it. He wouldn’t dare to deprave the girls, Arya and Sansa, of their own magic even when it might be very easy to do so. This is a pretty stark contrast (pun intended) to Azor Ahai and his Nissa Nissa. Azor Ahai’s first line of thought was to sacrifice his wife whereas Jon’s was to sacrifice himself. Sure Azor Ahai got his magic sword, but Jon’s self-sacrifice is not in vain either because he later earns his own wolf, who turns out to be even more special than the rest in the pack.

Bran IV kind of alludes to the idea of self sacrifice through Old Nan’s retelling of the last hero:

So as cold and death filled the earth, the last hero determined to seek out the children, in the hopes that their ancient magics could win back what the armies of men had lost. He set out into the dead lands with a sword, a horse, a dog, and a dozen companions. For years he searched, until he despaired of ever finding the children of the forest in their secret cities. One by one his friends died, and his horse, and finally even his dog, and his sword froze so hard the blade snapped when he tried to use it. And the Others smelled the hot blood in him, and came silent on his trail, stalking him with packs of pale white spiders big as hounds—”

Though the one we know is called the “last hero”, notice that it’s not a title but a mere descriptor; there were many heroes before him who died and he was the last one standing. There is a human toll in this legend, but it’s implied to be self sacrifice. It’s also interesting that though there is mention of a blade, it is the children of the forest’s magic that is key. This does kind of bleed into what we know about the Night’s Watch and its relation to the long night. The Night’s Watch victory was a group effort, rather than the actions of any one man.

We have several legends surrounding the long night that work, but only one involves the cost of sacrificing someone else (that we know of). This might be where GRRM is headed with Stannis and his creation of Lightbringer. Sure Azor Ahai did get his magic sword, but it doesn’t negate the steep human cost. GRRM has lowkey confirmed that Stannis is sure to burn Shireen. And rather than this sacrifice not working, I think it’s more likely that it does work. Stannis does indeed create the flaming sword. But this will be directly weighed by other (self) sacrifices made for the same purpose. Stannis’ sacrifice of his daughter won’t work any better than other characters who choose to sacrifice themselves even when knowing that they are not going to go down as individual legends; I think Jon Snow will once again be the prime example of this, as he has already resigned himself to being a shadow in history despite initially wanting the opposite. Maester Aemon was right in saying that

[…] all deceive ourselves, when we want to believe. Melisandre most of all, I think. The sword is wrong, she has to know that … light without heat … an empty glamor … the sword is wrong, and the false light can only lead us deeper into darkness, Sam

The sword is wrong. Azor Ahai is NOT one to be emulated. Rather, he should be a cautionary tale. He is not any more special for his sacrifice than what the last hero or the men of the Night’s Watch did, even though we know his name but don’t know theirs. GRRM answered the question regarding sacrifice before he even posed it. To make someone else pay the price is flat out wrong. The only true and worthy sacrifice is really that of the self.

[disregardcanon]

thinking about how desperately the yellowjackets are still trying to slot each other and themselves into these clean little boxes even years later. “lottie’s the crazy one” even though they all are. “misty’s the violent one” even though they all are. “nat’s the one with a fucked up romantic past that keeps hurting her years later” but they all are. “shauna’s the one who lost a baby” even though they all are. “tai’s the one that clawed her way through life despite the difficulties” even though they! all! are!

[qoldenskies]

MY HEARTTTTTT

that one sided convo is actually so heartbreaking I fucking CANT

cant help but wonder what donnie was thinking hearing it :(

[sunflowerseraph]

This is a difficult post for me to make, but to anyone whos commissioned me and is waiting on it, it may take a little longer than I wanted. My cat, Sammy, passed away last night and its really taking a toll on me and my mental health. Its difficult to work through but I'll be doing my best. Thank you for the patience so far with it all, and I'm sorry to ask for more of that patience. Thank you for understanding. Let me know if theres any issues regarding the wait, sorry again.

[babydxhl]

give me the macbeth thoughts, bestie

all of that ambition and ruthlessness and intensity of feeling relegated to a body that will NEVER be allowed to have it, that will ALWAYS be punished for it in the end. driven mad by what you did and what you cannot do simultaneously!!!

I don't play any silly games thinking there was some deeper meaning having mary play lady macbeth in canon, it was like just a slapstick juxtaposition to show her trying to take on some serious role. but this is MY circus, and these are MY monkeys, and therefore I can say whatever I want.

imho there is a significance in having a character whose defining trait is their disability, who is physically different in a way that will always see them undermined/undervalued/dismissed/etc ad nauseum, playing the role of a woman historically viewed as this pinnacle of evil, this inciter of violence, but the actual nuance of that are so murky and mired in context and morals I could go on and on and on

her ambition and her drive for power leads her to use others to commit acts of violence and to use others, even the people she loves, to have acts of violence be committed for her. and in the end the guilt of that and the potential consequences/aftermath drive her insane. but she can't escape herself. unsex me now etc etc but that isn't how it works in her world and it isn't how it works in mary's — you are what you are and you have to make do, even if your version of making do leads only to tragedy

[milo-is-rambling]

Growing up w a mom who both wants to talk to you about all of her feelings but also somehow doesn’t know how to talk about your feelings but also she’s your best friend and also she’s done so much for you but she ruins your day constantly and you love her but you haven’t told her that in months when she says she loves you you say “yeah” and walk away and she’s sick and you’ve been asking her every time you get up if she needs anything if she wants the bong packed if she needs water food whatever and then the one time I’m nauseous making food for myself (eating for the first time today at one pm) she leans into the kitchen and asks me to make her scrambled eggs and I said no maybe after I eat and she said okay and then went back into her room and then I took my food and went into my room and was just eating when she came into my room to yell at me and cry about me not ever helping her and I said no I can cook after I eat a little I was nauseas and she was just like [yelled through tears] no I’m making myself toast you don’t need to do anything for me! And slammed my bedroom door and went loudly crying across the house and now I’m just in my room like oh okay 👍 thanks ! So I might go to the library for a bit maybe and listen to my mommy issues playlist on the way there and sob

[ashendalia]

My dream last night had Griff in it...

[mahvaladara]

"You are my happyness..."

I don't deserve them. I caused them so much pain. I was so selfish and in my obsession caused them so much suffering. I was disillusioned, and I selfishly hurt them, because I was a coward, because I was a monster.

I don't deserve them.

And yet, they forgave me, they love me, they care for me.

"I know the true you, I have seen the true you. You're not the monster you see, or the selfish coward you loath. You're not the lonely and scared boy in the dark, or the hopeless and sad teenager in the rain nor the broken and suffering man covered in blood."

"You're a beautiful soul, broken into pieces and still holding together trying to ammend it's mistakes, take responsibility for them. I see, the bright and curious spirit trying to learn and grow with the world around them. And I see the kind and caring lover, who will always value everything above himself."

"I see my love. You are my happiness."

I don't deserve them. I am so much trouble. Frail sickly and so much trouble.

But I am selfish... So very selfish that I want to believe that.

I want to be their happiness, and I will do everything to make ammends, to make them happy, even sacrifice myself for it.

You are my life. All of it.

[whydoifeelthisquiet]

Morality OCD sucks

[themyscirah]

Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

I think one of the other reasons I've been so dreading this trip is because I haven't actually been back to California since my gram died. Last time I was home was to see her in the hospital. Stepping back over the state line will make her being gone more real, somehow. And then I'll be going to a wedding where people are probably going to ask about her, while I'm also reminded in all the shortfalls of my own life. And I'll have to pretend everything is good because I don't wanna be the weird downer at a wedding. The entire situation is uh, to put it lightly, not something I'm looking forward to.

[patrice-bergerons]

I really have tried - and mostly succeeded - to enjoy the things I like without shame over the past decade that I sometimes forget how guilty I used to feel over literally everything when I was younger, including hobbies and tastes