#and thats normal kinda right. its life. but i dont like being hurt any more than your regular person

[cillyscribbles]

i like girls and i like to talk about liking girls. you'd think this would be a good thing among girl likers but sometimes it does not feel like that at all

[jatlokgwo]

for @rainbow-strawberry-sherbert!!

i have no idea how to start this rip (dd= disassembly drone)

i useally say that am xiao and a dissasembally drone but im more concepts then anything else it goes

consepts: small flying dangerous flexable tail multiple forms/run like a dog and grab like a human watcher listener endless job to do

base: raptor birds (-> peregrine falcons) fennec foxes

2: demon (-> xiao is considered a demon adeptus and another word for dd is sky demon) feathery wings sharp teeth

3 (vaguely but there): otters finchs western dragons/wof sandwing scaramouche

"in view": adeptus xiao generic dissasembally/worker drone hybrid S (my kinsona) i like to show myself as a fennec like with the gifs

species by accosiation: ADEPTUS cat bees (-> friend called me minecraft bee coded) wolf dog theres a version of S thats uninfected any au

xiao is the minimum that you need to know to understand and before i had things to latch onto i jumped around sonas alot it was stressful and i only made things worse by interrogating myself witch is why i said to not think about it so hard and just draw whats fun =-= i found out im a drone by making a sona and then the sona feeling way more real then other sonas/ocs like chengcuo i was just bein silly ^^

sometime its also neurodivergent stuff (???) i cant understand facial expressions so i either exadurat them or dont really emote (i promise you that the xiaos are diffrent pictures)

colors and color coding is also important to me!!!!!!

am small and can fly but am kinda flightless when xiao sits down his ingame model doesnt reach the floor and dds are kinda tall but i look more like a worker drone with dd features and there both short to avrege humans as xiao i had wings and a bird form (can fly) but i lost them when a dream-god ripped of my wings and dds have retractable wings but copper 9 has a constant death storm happeneing that acts like a blizzard so id rather walk and do my silly jumps sjchd

its also a comfort thing!!! im a bird adeptus without wings or a bird form as a dd im a living wepon every even if the dream god tore them again dds can regen our heads i will have wings again in like a minute and if i really want to hen its awkward but of i angle it right there strong enough to break other drones caseing (my wings as xiao where normal feathers my life has also been almost constant trauma and i would pretend to use finchy looking wings to hide or hug myself and playing genshin was our escape we where still plural and we would listen to alot of genshin asmr and i think thats how i formed as a fictive) i think its also linked to my hyperfixation on md and my main comfort charater right now being a N (hes the yellow dd in the gif and my pfp :3)

ive also been gaslit and a defining part of being a dd is that you used to be a normal worker drone before you got infected with the absolute solver and it did some mlp infection stuff and messed with our memories theres a whole episode about it (cw for robot gore flashing lights anf 1 line of ablism against narcissists if you click the link its the episode) having anatonamy instead of wanting it is still kinda new to me theres a theme with them about how xiao was enslaved as a wepon for the dream-god and dds arnt supposed to be unique but xiao gets to be a person and the dds are unique anyways that i resonate alot with to its nice to see the systems that let the bad things happen be villians instead of when i tell people that the thing that hurt me was school and they try to find reasons why it was my fault

(hopfully this make sense brain wont give me anything else for now but if i think if something ill add it!! and if you have questions i can do my best to awnser them!!!!)

[starsambrosia]

So i stop flooding peoples dash im gonna just make this a group, the tag is #livechatter

Im rambling about my life because i feel like it

mean in all reality they have saved me from a lot of bad people and bad things i just i dunno if i can belive that every single person i meet is some kind of malicous creature or person with bad intentions...its been years and im outgoing i like people but ive had to cut off most people because the gods told me some shit about them that was scary or my divination read something was up

I just dont know but i dont want to risk it...

But like, how many demons can one person come across and how many just so happen to be bad news for me

3 confirmed and funny thing is one of them actually scarred me both physically and astrally /wild/ one was my childhood friend who had a crush on me and also decided to get into a pact with a demon for ...funzies... but i cant recall if she had the bloodline or not because the last one who was actually super chill was following a family tradition

so yeah when the gods say "hey psst beckys a demon" im gonna be like "well golly gee 3 out of 3 demons the gods told me about were demons i wonder if this person is in a pact with a demon

and typically /usually/ me and demons dont get along, they find my energy tasty ig. Like demons are fine they are but like they just want to eat me usually or theyr mad at me on sight :")

But in any case im gonna belive it, its just...really?? I know im a beacon but seriously? Every person i meet is some mischievous or negative entity. I get out here fae are more common but /everyone?/ really? I dunno man i cant just be running into every non human on the planet both online and irl or if theyr normal theyr just the most shit person you can be to an almost cartoonish extent.

/idk man/

But i stare at my pendulum the one i warded clensed banished shit on and used rituals to invoke a gods name and boom its just "yup this ones no good"

Like...OK??? THEN WHO IS??? And theyll set me up with people and it never goes well like it always falls through because the people i click with just arent good enough??? Or they just all want me dead?

Am i the problem? Like its me or its them and theyr gods like idk idk man im lost im so lost, how can nobody be ok how can so many people just want to hurt me on sight am i seriously that pathetic looking?? Or are they playing some kind of protective roll? Thats kind assuming a lot about them

What are the fucking odds theyd just be over protective

Im kinda whirlling right now because i think i figured it out, Apollo always expressed guilt over the whole imprisonment thing even though that was literally my fault for directly disobeying his very clear instructions for some guy, yeah thats an embaressment ill never live down

Im wondering if Apollo felt bad and now hes just being really harsh on anyone who comes near me, i only wonder this because he had been around for a really long time before he helped me escape my home/cult

But like ive asked others too

In the same pantheon

That was responsible for a lot of fucking trauma

Who like most of them have a reason to be harsh on people

I just wonder what would happen if i asked maybe Zeus instead of literally anyone else besides maybe some of the goddesses.

Oh godsssss i think ive just deadass been asking the wrong people because everyone else is bias and angry at people

Jesus christ i knew it was my fault if i had just thought about it for a second and got my head out of the ground i wouldve seen it

But still i could be wrong so i need to go ask Zeus with my pendulum and see whats going on before i go removing anything...im also wondering what other people have to say about this because im honestly so tired of shutting up about my weird ass life

Pendulum with Zeus:

Is the reason i keep getting a no on my friends because everyone else is bias and angry at people

Yes

Will you give me non bias direct answers if i contact you?

Yes

I get so specific with my questions because if it can only say yes no or maybe i want to narrow it down as much as possible, questions are phrased intuitively or auto written but some times intentional, more gently guided though.

So i figured it out by live journaling basically...nice, ok so this is weird...but when is it ever not hhh

Thats sweet honestly, if it weren't so suffocating...i cant belive this this has taken me literally 3 and a half years to figure out and i just had to talk to Lord Zeus??? Hhhhhhh oh my gods

Going to him more often now honestly

I wouldve never guessed that i think i think too lowly of myself if it took 3 and a half years to realize they care enough to be mad at people who caused me like, irreparable damadge hahaaaa

[manie-sans-delire-x]

I think you're decontextualizing too much and talking from a privileged point of view. I'm not arguing with the objectivity of what your point is, but it's a very bland flat hill to die on, in my opinion. People can totally agree to disagree, but the whole "good luck living this way" or "it's never gonna happen" is nothing but a shrugging off problems just because they don't belong to you.

Of course trans folks have deeper issues, we've been fighting in a society that, by default, does not accept us and we're forced to explain our very existence on a daily (or whoever cares to, to be honest I dropped that one ball there). So that's why it's important to make people who are coming from said privileged spots (mind, I'm not using the word "privileged" to hop on a high horse and offend anyone) understand how some things are very easy adjustments to make to accommodate minorities. And you don't really need to know/profoundly understand /why/ it's important for them, you can simply trust it is if they say so.

It's like saying "why would I use City money to build a stupid ramp when wheelchair users can struggle a little and learn to climb a 3 inches step" or "why would I stop staring at that person's ass if it's out and it's natural for me to look at it" because you want to be better and it's not that deep.

Yet again, agree to disagree if adding "assigned at birth" is such an inconvenience. No one is word obsessed, but personally speaking I'll bend the usage of my language as much as I can to make sure everyone around me is comfortable and feels safe, I don't care and need to know why.

How am I decontextualizing or talking from a privileged point of view? I mean I suppose I am in that I am not trans? I'll give you that.

Why is my point of view a bland hill to die on but insisting on changing female/male to afab/amab isnt?

No I just truly believe and came to the realistic conclusion it will never happen, not in any of our lifetimes at least. Do you really expect that this is going to become the new normal, in every country and culture? Seriously?

Yeah damn straight Im shrugging it off, I cant help people who are determined to be unhappy over word choice. Its not my problem, as you said. Everyone elses life will go on as normal, only they will be stuck on this and being unhappy, only hurting themselves.

Changing a language is not "very easy adjustment", not at all. I mean clearly, or else all this fighting wouldnt be happening right? And ok, say English changes. What, now every other language in the world has to change? Oh boy, thats going to lead to a lot of confusion and fighting. Sounds kinda problematic too, to insist other cultures and countries have to change their languages to match the more enlightened English. Colonist vibes.

Lets have realistically attainable goals. Lets focus on what really matters- like violent hate crimes against transpeople. People who are sooo passionate about political correctness and word choice should maybe, idk, do something real to help. Volunteer or work to help transpeople. But see they dont actually care about transpeople, they just get off on the self righteousness and false sense of moral superiority.

Its not about understanding why its important to them, I understand that it is. But unfortunately, reality doesnt give a shit about peoples emotions or whats important to them. (and clearly its not ok to disagree, because then you get labeled as a terf or whatever else new acronym...)

If you want to compare it to that, its more like if people in wheelchairs insisted that all stairs should be banned- ramps only- and you cant call them disabled anymore, everyone else is un-disabled. Society will never build itself around to a minority population, and shouldnt because it makes no sense.

Its not about "doing better" or peoples feelings. This is the main difference in thought process I think- some people view it as a moral social issue, some people view it as a issue of reality and logic.

What is a female? What is a male? A woman? A man? Whats the differences between them? Whats the difference between sex and gender? Are trans people actually transsexual or transgender? Is it even possible to be transsexual since you will never have the desired sex's gametes? Can someone be a female man or a male woman? At some point we need some god damn definitions. We cant just make words mean whatever we want them to.

Why not just have females, males, and transfemales and transmales?? Men, women, transmen, transwomen. That makes way more sense. Why would the majority and a whole ass language change to fit the minority? And even with the use of "cis", "trans" is still in use so attaching "cis" is pretty redundant either way!

[bandaidcrybaby]

Hi! I don't use this blog!

In fact, it took me 20 minutes to even figure out how to log in! I only remembered it's existance because some bot sent me an ask and it pinged the email I have to use for medical stuff- but i'll give the like. 6 people here, plus anyone who's scrolling through the blog for archival reasons, a quick update on myself and my life, because boy! was i wrong! and being told incorrect information!

So a lot of posts on here are tagged schizophrenia - a diagnosis that several of my doctors very well believed I had. Turns out, if you have been severely and repetitively traumatized for most of your childhood, your brain kinda. puts up walls and is functionally completely disconnected. and when you're a teenager and your brain is supposed to be growing neural connections between itself as it takes on its final leg of the growing journey, if there's Walls in the Way, it results in a degree of weird faux-hallucinations and outrageously unreal beliefs, the latter mostly from you trying to come to a rational conclusion for why you get told weird uncomfortable stories about yourself and are wildly unsure what the fuck they did to you in the hospital to fuck your memory like this. And the answer is nothing, you were in there for 3 days and just cried the whole time, the reason youre missing three weeks is, well. because you have DID. And apparently my therapist had been suspecting this since I was referred to him in the first place, since I was way too lucid and with it to actually be schizophrenic, but my former psych is also his bestie and had told him straight up "oh yeah, I know they were a conflict of interest, but. Its not every day you hear about the kinds of things this kid goes through, find out theyre true, but they only remember some of them at wildly different times, and then get to see DID form before your very eyes." and so on 2/22/22 I was handed my official paperwork because my team was like "i think we need to address some things." and uh. Yeah it came like a wet fish to the face. Turns out Antipsychs were causing half my balance and mood problems AND didnt get rid of the hallucinations because oops, thats not how that kind of 'hallucinating' works! that's the rest of your brain screaming for help! I don't really. publically say much about the kinds of problems my other parts cause for me. its not anyone elses business! you don't need to know! because all of me is Winnie! Regardless of how I choose to spell that or shorten it at any given time! (which is also not a parts thing, thats just a 'my name is hardly as important to me over who i am as a person' thing.) and yeah, I do have to own up to Dumb Shit(tm) the my other parts do regardless of the fact of if I remember doing it or not, because at the end of the day, I, as a singular human being, still did that thing!! I've kinda had to learn what's wrong and right, appropriate and innapropriate, and attone for such. People get very upset with me for referring to my parts as just that-parts. Lots of folk think that I should be calling them "alters", but that simply doesnt fit, for me. It makes the parts of me that are very clearly broken feel more separate, more defined-- which is the exact opposite of what I want. I WANT to be NORMAL. This disease is life ruining. I'm spending most of my adult life being up the shattered pottery that is my childhood- I don't want to be defined as pieces of a broken vase. I am defined as the Vase itself, wether or not you like the kintsugi is a You Problem. this is not your illness; (nor your version of the illness, if you, too, have it, as no two 'vases' break the same.) I personally refuse to not acknowledge the whole vase on any person who does have it. you dont throw away any pieces. that's not how this works. your arent 4 separate people jsut because you dont want to be associated with yourself. you break and mend and break and mend and cry and scream and accept and forgive and hurt and forgive again and become whole. To do anything else rejects your function as exactly what you are- perfectly human, an animal with neatly clipped claws and blunt teeth and marked skin and stands upright on its hind legs, defined only by its ability to create a taxonic system that cleanly defines it and then outwardly reject that very same label.

tumblr has a character limit, part 2 soon.

[grechsblog]

Oof reddit. I personally dont go there (ive got enough of Torment Nexus Disposition from twitter to even entertain that and it was 5 years ago- Trauma Runs Deep) but sometimes takes from there find me and i whistle like a kettle from annoyance every time

The fact that many people consider wwx 'morally correct' (and in vacuum he is and i will not take that away from him) REALLY rots their brain. His intentions are pure but his methods are not and that is fine! It is absolutely and completely fine and actually normal in therms of the novel. It doesnt make them any less corpse-y or dead-y and the fact that he had no other choice really should underline that fact instead of being posed as an excuse

I know how to love a bastard because my fav from svsss is shen jiu and i love him because i hate him. I hate so so much. I hate that he abuses his disciplines, i hate that he abuses his power, i hate his instant denial of any good thing, i hate his grating willful inability to be anything more than a jagged cheap jewel that stains your neck when you sweat and itches if you wear it too long. And i love to hate him for that. His origins are what Really sold me on him though- because after all that abuse and disuse and hurt and pain it was logical for him to be like that.

It was, but then came silence and peace and his wishes and he no longer needed to be snappish and picky and thorny. He got accepted in the sect, into the second most powerful peak there is to exist. His needs were met. He could thrive. He had a chance to be better, to Do better and the kicker is he didnt take it. He denied it. He chose to still be an asshole because thats who he Is.

Its not exactly same with wei wuxian- because wuxian isnt a bastard nor abusive nor jealous nor a fuckass nor any other thing shen jiu is- but the consensus is that He Did Bad. He did and chose it consciously. Proudly even. He doesnt deny how ugly it is sometimes. How ugly a life is sometimes. Which fucking pisses me off like no other thing when people go 'UUUU but hes GOOD which means his every action is a Beacon of True Righteous uwu' or, objectively worse one, 'UUUUU he wasnt in his right mind so of couserse he cant be held accountable uwu'

Which brings me to the next topic: how sane he was while all of that went down

My answer is Very. Very, very sane, which is exactly why he imploded after everything

I personally think that guidao does not deteriorate a mind by itself. I think it was confirmed that Empathy might? I dont exactly remember. Its also not confirmed if Empathy is guidao or just kinda something wei wuxian knows but anyway

Guidao is a tool, not a cultivation method. Or well, not orthodox cultivation method - ergo 'invite the energy into your body' type of deal. Wwx from my understanding controls resentful energy outside his body through a conduit (chenqing or tiger tally) so as to not use his own body as a conduit. We Do however know someone who did that and that would be the nie. Nie mingjue to be exact as the most recent and most glaring example

Yes guanyao did speed it up a notch or 20, but it was Said, repeatedly, that the nie die young. They die young due to their cultivation method which is revealed to be inviting resentful energy into their body. Which leads to qi deviation, which in turn manifests into snappish moods and rage swing and hard-to-please temperament. Very similar to what wwx had going on, but only on the surface

It is said in the novel that nie mingjue was uncontrollable at his tails end. The nie clan was scared of their leader. He was irrational and mad and powerful and absolutely batshit insane to the point of scaring literally everyone including (if im not mistaken) his own brother. He was a terror up to his ultimate demise. A danger

It was a completely different story for wuxian in those months with the wens. They didnt trust him at the start- and who would trust this 2m tall hellspawn that literally killed over half of an army of someone closer to demi-god instead than human? I wouldnt! Especially after another more real hell on earth that probably killed my kid or my parent in front of my eyes just for some fucks in gold cloths sick amusement.

And yet! And yet in in time the wens grew less scared of him instead of more. They let a 4-6 year old child near him. He let that child chew on his resentful conduit and no one stopped that. Because they liked him and trusted him and Did Not Feel Unsafe in his presence. It hadnt even changed after wen qings sacrifice. They literally all had an absolute blast in burial mounds and it was The most stable time for wwx mentally. Polar opposite to nie mingjues loss of mind no?

(Speaking of that flute chewing. For some unfathomable to me reason people think its negligence on wuxians part when its clearly just highlights that chenqing itself is not dangerous. Why do they think that? Hell if i know- hes literally really good with kids or he wouldnt be made jiangs head discipline in the first place. He wouldnt just let a-yuan chew on anything even remotely dangerous. I doubt jiang fengmian and Especially madam yu wouldve overlooked something like that)

As for wangji well. His intentions Were pure but he hadnt exactly stopped to ask what the hell wwx is even doing. Didnt ask if he was hurting. It didnt even crossed his mind. He just jumped straight to the conclusion that This Is Bad You Need To Stop and no way that bullheaded idiot would listen if wuxian had explained without prompting instead

Plus all that 'come back to gusu with me' perhaps is romantic and a declaration of undying love but- wuxian literally at several points asked 'for what' and in response only got silence. He asked if it was for torture and wangji didnt reply. He asked if it was for indefinite imprisonment and wangji didnt reply. What for? What for? What for? And no answer. I really dont think he wouldve gone with him even If it was harmful- and it wasnt even that

Wei wuxian is a smart, smart man. Confident. Complex. Good. It upsets me that he gets reduced to some helpless baby because its easier that way

If one more person calls wuxians ghost path 'demonic cultivation' with no /j attached i will take arms the way nie huaisan does it (cry)

[bumpthis]

.

[hirokiyuu]

sols roundup masterpost

i mentioned i was reworking the original post on my ao3 and so here it is! please note that a) there are a LOT of spoilers under the cut  (guy who has 80+ hours and multiple multiple endings) and b) there’s a lot of ways to take sol and these are just me having fun with them, if u dont like thats fine but dont tell me i don’t care. lol. also worth noting i think time loops are most fun when they subtly influence each other so there’s a lot of that in here LOL

worth noting i think theres a few traits that are pretty universal to them? wants to do right and full of love are the big two, tho curiosity, (seeming) warmth, and ability to fit in w/those around them are also pretty important tho i think more flexible. its just fun the way various sols can have those traits like.... manifest? an alien-hater sol who goes hunting all the time is just as valid as a sol dating dys that wants to end the war. just different ppl they love and different experiences. its fun

with that. onto the Meat

1) solana (she/her (demi?)girl, loyalty leaning lawyer, neutral end)

baby’s first run! outwardly warm but pretty cold inside. hypercompetent everywhere except in her love life. fell for tang when they were like nine on the ship and just sort of, never stopped, feeling that way, including when she was 100 years old and had outlived tang by nearly forty years, partially bc fixating on tang as people were dying was kind of. the only solace she had. wouldve really benefited from a good therapist.

2) solanaceae (he/him tguy, governor, peace ending)

childhood optimist with a hero complex turned "realist” but actually-exactly-the-same-just-depressed-about-it adult. saves tammy and tonin and hal! cannot save his parents :) grows a little distant from most of the people around him as a result, except dys, who Gets it. avoids tang for pretty much no reason he can understand, just has a sense of She Will Hurt You If You Get Too Close when he sees her sometimes. becomes governor solely bc he wants to save people. the kind of person you can trust in your house with your keys and your valuables and then someone asks ‘hey whats his favorite color’ and youre like. i dont. actually know

3) solane (they/them nb, gardener ending)

manic overconfident freak. definitely a ‘i wont tell people about my dreams bc it’s like i’m a HERO this way!’ type. saves everyone and extremely proud about it. coasting through life from ages 14-19 until they go find dys after the bomb has gone off and he’s dating. someone else? which makes them freak out bc THEYRE the hero. so instead of being normal about this they become a gardener in a desperate attempt not to be left behind

It’s Bad!

4) solanaceae (he/him cisguy, colonial hero, neutral ending) x / x

this is the one ive been referring to in private as “fascist manwhore sol” and honestly. yeah. just as overconfident as the last but extremely charming about it. the kind of guy you kinda wanna hit but also can’t help but like? somehow manages to be close w/most everyone in the colony despite their various opinions. really really hates the gardeners + even sym, for some reason w/in himself that he can’t explain. 

in Love with dys for most of their lives but cant ever make it work, fwb with rex, dates vace despite having matching tattoos with his ex-gf. hes just that kind of guy. dies young and a hero, less than a year after dys disappears into the ridges. dont think abt it too hard.

5) solane (she/her nb, neutral end, roboticist on accident somehow but a social skills job wouldve fit much better)

if third sol Thinks theyre god this sol like. actually Is. extremely clear dreams, used to talk abt them pretty much always until her first trip to medbay, at which point she stopped ever letting adults know. kind of existentially exhausted as a result. using this life literally just as a coffeeshop au lol. poly but also probably aromantic; open rship w/rex, who they love a lot but no more so than literally any of their other friends. pretty happy with stuff! 

until they go to see dys off when he “vanishes” from the colony and they accidentally let it drop they couldve like. ended the whole war. he’s. displeased. they still make an effort to enjoy the rest of their life but when they die theyre thinking abt how they should try to be a better person next time. and also hoping they remember less.

6) solanaceae (genderfluid but generally refers to self as a lesbian, peace end, botanist) x

cheerful heroine! desperately wants to be normal and tries so so hard to ignore her dreams, which works kind of, right up until they very purposefully ignores the one abt tammy and tammy dies immediately after :) at which point they completely switches gears and uses their dreams to try and save Everyone they can. bffs with nem since childhood & into her pretty much Always. everyone’s friend! dies content and at peace.

interestingly, bc this is the route where i got paradox ending on a save, probably the sol closest to the wormhole + everything about it, despite not actually remembering much from his dreams. it manifests in other ways. lol.

7) solane (she/her cisgirl, neutral end, roboticist)

coward who can only be brave when it’s for the sake of the people she loves, most notably tammy who she actually dislikes until she saves her life, at which point she realizes maybe she Can be a hero too. better with robots than people, spent most of her childhood following cal around bc he was one of hte only ppl to make time for her. falls madly in love w/tammy; their family is her biggest joy. a good parent.

8) solanaceae (he/him agender, neutral end, doctor)

feral intense child who becomes a terrifying eagle-eyed doctor. max perception by age eleven, somehow. STRONG sense of justice. strongest belief is “if you ignore someone you couldve saved, you’re garbage.” not quite high enough friendship w/nem to convince her to leave vace as teens; helps her later on when theyre adults. years and years later after dys “dies” they end up moving in and spend the rest of their lives together.

9) solanaceae (they/them nb, peace end, entertainer)

awkward ace kid who always speaks their mind. accidentally destroys tammy’s confidence every time they talk. gets confessed to by both marz and rex, shoots them down extremely awkwardly due to both aforementioned asexuality and the fact theyve had a crush on dys since they were thirteen. takes their promise to let him go seriously to the point that when he tries to bomb hte colony, they let him, and when he wants to be a gardener, they don’t stand in his way. is alright with this at first but slowly begins to feel lonelier and lonelier about it as time passes, and when they die and realize they won’t actually be with him again they feel. Very Bad. pass on wishing they’d not let him go but resenting him for asking to.

10) solane (she/her cisgirl, neutral end, xeno wrangler)

ive been calling this one “cuckoo bird sol” for a reason. desperately wants someone to be devoted to Her and Her Alone who Won’t Leave, and feels like. cal is good for that. doesn’t like tammy as a result, which means that when she has a nightmare abt tammy dying she doesn't even care, it’s not like its REAL. yeah. It’s Bad! she feels guilty abt it and then feels bad bc she’s also happy bc cal spends more time with her but also she does sure feel like shes competing against a dead girl huh! so! that’s fun!

eventually she does work her shit out and realize she does like cal himself and does want kids on her own terms but like. the process of getting there! one fucked up kid. dies more content than she realized she could be, glad for her family.

11) solanaceae (she/her nb leaning, peace end, parent) x

rowdy. her heart is 80% love and 20% pure unadulterated rage. unaugmented, which she personally doesnt care abt, but she sure does get pissed off at ppl trying to be soooo nice to her abt it! too busy w/sfc stuff during wet and as such completely misses her chance to talk dys out of the bomb. when she finds him on the ridges afterwards they yell at each other abt being in love w/each other for forever and she manages to drag him back home.

in some ways this would be my “golden run” (full friendship with everyone) (jesus christ) but despite that her actual bffs besides dys are tammy and (unfortunately) vace. in another world i would retcon this to ot3 but in this one she kissed sym and then he died in front of her and despite herself she kind of cant stop flinching away from him now if he tries to make a move. they do hinge poly instead it works. has a boatload of kids and never augments any of them. dies exhausted and delighted and in love w/the world. 

12) solane (he/him cisguy, peace ending, parent oops)

delusion run! sol who cant stop talking abt his delusions even when he knows he should. pursues dys in the “we were In Love before so we will be again!” way not the “i like you!” way until he gets. y’know. lobotomized. in some ways not focusing on his dreams is good for him but also he loses a lot of his personality? focus? afterwards

teases tammy relentlessly but ends up falling for her but bc for some reason this run glitched and tammy’s pregnancy just. kept going. she never had the kid? so i didnt date her even tho he wouldve lol. tbh most of th ending for this one is what id consider noncanon for him but ill retcon it later when i have more Vibes in place

13) solanaceae (they/he, peace ending, astronaut) this is a dead dove run (mentions of abuse)

unlucky number thirteen :) sol coming out of a delusion run with the creeping sense that they should not trust Anyone with their secrets. a little disconnected from the ppl around them tho they get on well enough w/dys and tang. madly in love with the wormhole. desperate to get off the planet and back into space so they can see it, a sentiment no one shares until, y’know. vace.

in Love (lol) with him after his 50. first time theyve ever met anyone they think Gets them so they enable him. fucking crushed when he starts dating nem. when he offers to cheat they take him up on it, which means he learns nothing and they lose one of their childhood friends :) eventually they go into space together just like they wanted! it’s bad! die in the wormhole and i think thats the first time they ever truly, from the bottom of their heart, regret everything. never want to fall in love again.

14) sol (no pronouns whenever possible but sort of ok w/they, peace ending, farmer) warning for abuse mentions in this one as well

sometimes you get so badly abused in one life your next life it still affects you! kind of an odd child, gets along better w/congruence than the other kids but thinks of cal is like a brother. doing ok until helios lands and then it’s like. h

avoids vace like the plague, despises/is afraid of him but doesn’t realize why until after sol starts understanding dreams more. when he dies i think sol wants to be like Good Riddance but. cant fully. approaches rex bc sol want to know What’s Up With The Whole Rex+Vace Deal, end up falling pretty hard. dating sym also, the three of them living together is an Experience i think. dies full of Love.

15) solana (he/him tguy, peace end, athlete)

rambunctious! cheerful! kind of dumb! falls in love w/cal from a young age and is convinced they’re gonna grow up and get married and is subsequently crushed when cal starts dating tammy instead esp bc. cal sort of. lead them on a bit w/it. slowly falls in love w/dys in the aftermath.

a bit immature. plays sportsball even in the middle of war, tension with both cal And nem as a result despite still being their bffs. he and nem are on opposite sportsball teams for the rest of their lives and yet go out for drinks after constantly. she’s his sister, basically! dies pretty happy w/how things turned out

16) solanaceae (she/they, neutral end, merchant)

greedy greedy greedy. wants money and love and attention, time and people and things, everyhting you can think of she wants it. she marz and tang are the Terrible WLW Trio of Girls Who Might Be Dating. bit of a soft spot for dys she can’t quite rationalize, will be kind to him when she’s not to anyone else. fond of rex as well.

she and marz flirt by flirting with tang, aka the person she Actually likes. pretty happy when they finally hook up, but isn’t devastated by the breakup as much as she is.... left hollow. another mistake on top of everyhting else (capitalism, dys vanishing, girl shes liked forever dumping her, also theres maybe a fleet from earth coming but haha dw abt it) she tells rex abt the fleet maybe a year? before it shows up. dies wishing desperately she had been able to be kinder.

17) solana (he/him tguy, peace end, professor) x

sugary sweet! childhood friends with tammy, they’re v similar people. loves her a lot, cannot wait to be best man at her wedding to cal LOL. despite his gentle demeanor he is also absolutely the kind of guy to do Whatever It Takes for the ppl he loves (ie poisons uncle tonin to keep him alive LOL)

thinks nomi is like, the coolest person in the universe when they meet bc they can MAKE things. so so stupid about them. when they start dating its embarrassing for everyone but they are so happy together no one can actually say anything. dies happy but wishing he was more confident in himself/brave

aaaaaaaaanyways that’s the current list. for Now. there may be more coming. i have offshoots of some of these as well that may or may not pop up wwww generally for fic that isn’t set with a specific sol i tend towards an nb sol closest to personality+dreams to my sixth sol? cheerful and trying to help but also Just A Kid about it!

[dbzebra]

"Z broly > Super Broly as a character"

Explain. Elaborate.

Oooh thanks for the ask!! Lol this got long, apologies ahead of time

Okay so first all, people COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND Z Broly as a character. Like, they take what he became in movie 10/Second Coming, with no context, meme on that, and think that’s his entire character. When that is sooo far from the truth.

First of all, Z Broly in movie 8/Broly the Legendary Super Saiyan is very subtle as a character. They don’t outright spell out things for you about him or why he does what he does(ex, attacking Gohan, but I’ll get to that later), the backstory especially is very metaphorical.

Broly doesn’t hate Goku because of crying. Broly is a Saiyan and what are Saiyans first and foremost? Fighters. And Broly “lost” against Goku for being hurt by his crying. That’s why right before Goku has that final punch, he flashes back to that moment of when he was a baby, not only being left for dead as Planet Vegeta was being blown up, he remembers being “defeated” by Kakarot just as he’s about to beat him again. He gets punched in the exact same spot he was stabbed as a baby.

People like to criticize Z Broly as “he hates Goku cause he cried” or “all he says is Kakarot” which both are false. Similar to Vegeta, Broly hates Goku because Goku bested him. One way or another, despite him being so weak, Goku “beat” the Legendary Super Saiyan.

On the first point, Broly is clearly mentally unstable. The power was too much for him even at a young age and turned him into a psychopath. He was stabbed as an infant and left to die along with Paragus cause he was too powerful. Then that same day Planet Vegeta explodes practically on top of them. The rest of his life hes basically either being controlled or on a rampage. He likes destruction. He likes fighting, loves it actually. You can see it during his fights in Movie 8.

On the second point, Broly was already mentally unstable in movie 8 when Goku punched a hole in him. Broly literally exploded cause he had so much power in him. and then nearly dying, getting caught in the explosion of a SECOND PLANET. and then being frozen for seven years, near death. It’s like that final cord snapped.

Once again, woken up by the cries of Goten (aka being defeated by Goku AGAIN). He’s so blinded by his rage of beating Goku that it’s all he cares about. And when Goku actually shows up in Second Coming, the dude smirks and starts laughing.

Z Broly has really awesome moments and there’s a reason why he’s a popular villain. Just watch the scene of him blowing up the planet of those little alien guys. “I bet you look up at your silly little planet, hoping you can go back there some day….WELL ITS JUST A DREAM!!” And then boom. It’s really dark and I love it.

He shows a lot of personality and cunning, like when he senses the hidden power of Gohan, stares at him for a moment and then purposely attacks Gohan to take him out first. “Kakarot, how much do you love your son??”

The way he kills Paragus is also sick. “Where do you think you’re going dad?” And then turns the pod into a javelin with him in it and throws the thing into the fucking comet. 💯

Unrelated but I think it’s cool how Goku seemingly absorbed Broly’s LSSJ power for a moment. When everyone gives him energy his hair flashes the green tint for a moment while Broly loses the green, and just has the normal SSJ yellow

Then we have DBS Broly. It’s kinda the same, with being tossed away to die cause King Vegeta is a bitch, but removes any connection to Goku and makes it more tragic. And according to most fans, if background is a sobstory, that equals better character.

NO. Tragic backstories are so common nowadays they’re boring.

sure it could, but that trope was so worn out so long ago I hate it. “waaa his life was bad, hes not a bad guy” bruh i dont care thats not Broly. just make an OC if you wanna do that. but nope. gotta use the marketing! (More on that later)

New Broly is legit a man-baby. People talk about old Broly having no personality and this new version having a deep character, but I dont see it. He acts like a child when hes with Cheelai and Lemo. There’s no real personality traits beyond “doesnt understand society.” basically just made him Saiyan Tarzan with anger issues, which isn’t addressed he just gets mad and loses control and turns SSJ after seeing Paragus die. They basically took Gohan’s rage boosts and gave it to him lol

They kept Paragus being a bastard which was cool, but DBS Broly being uwu-fied and then shipped with Cheelai (who literally has no reason to exist beyond waifu bait) never appealed to me

Hey remember when people say Z Broly does nothing but scream?

In Super Broly, once the fighting starts, he doesnt say a single word but yell. Aka for over half the movie, Brolys dialogue is nothing but RAAAAAAAAAH. Even the actual dialogue DBS Broly has is minimal

SOUND FAMILIAR??

But he gets a pass because the canon police says so right??? Nah

New Broly is boring. They brought him back and made him fight Gogeta because of fanservice and marketing.

Sorry for the rant lol but yeah this is how I feel

[desertfragments]

okay bc @desertgourd asked

the thing that gets me about jay is that shes just.

okay so like. i kinda stopped writing her bc she basically got over her abandonment and mental health issues, she got better, right? and healing is cool but as an end point its a bit boring.

except that recently, i was writing her and its like. she didnt, actually. like as much as shes doesnt talk about it, and pretends like shes fine, shes not. and then she just didnt figure out how to grow up.

which in her hero au is like half the issue. she grows up as a sidekick and thats like. it. she knows how to take orders (badly) and how to fight, but then thats all she knows. after she ages out of the program or w/e, then its like. what is she supposed to do with her life? the people who she thought were something like family are also fucked up and distant, and maybe dead. (and the same vibes are there in her main too)

and then she goes out and starts living a normal adult life, but she cant hold a job because she gets bored and gets into fights with her managers, and doesnt really know what the deal is with social cues and being friendly (her whole personality is a very carefully constructed facade of bravado and and cockiness thats NORMALLY (to her) pretty well founded but then in real life, its just annoying)

and like. yk. she used to fight people for a living, and its really really hard not to do that at her job or just casually. and then i think too, theres sort of a feeling of isolation with the whole thing bc she cant talk to anyone about her past or about any of her issues, and then theres like. a masculine sense of distance (you dont talk about your mental health issues or struggles as a guy and shes a guy)

so she doesnt make any friends and doesnt talk about her past bc then if she does then everyone looks at her weird when she reminisces about the good old times that she had as a kid when you nearly got shot by a supervillain. and no you Definitely dont have unresolved trauma about it!

so her life is just a bunch of dead ends one after another bc she doesnt really know how to get past herself and do really (seemingly) basic things, how to control her temper and strength, and the only time that she really feels alive is when shes fighting, but those actual opportunities are few and far between, and then the nature of combat means that you are getting hurt even in practice (the wrestling scene rn is a bit fucked bc all the champions had injuries) so theres only so long that she can actually keep doing it before her body collapses out from under her

its just a lot of nothing that she doesnt really know what to do with. she peaked at 12 and now shes 22 and getting older and its just. gestures vaguely. what now?

and then. bc i like thinking about it. theres sort of a parallel with red? bc for him, hes also stuck in a loop of murder, sick, try to live with yourself that i think in this au jay would be familiar with. but i think where they kinda differ is that red as a monster is sorta just resigned to being a monster bc jay would just think that. yk. killing someone with excessive force for resisting. is normal

anyway with the two of them, its kinda fun bc its like they dont know how to be live, but jay actually has more a sense of morality than red would have (hes had to justify the death and has gotten used to following his instincts, no matter how bloody they might be) and would yell at him for it, but red has more of a gauge for normalcy and would point out that something was fucked up with jays childhood

also theres something interesting about red and how he keeps repeating patterns of behavior that he cant figure out how to break. jays the same way but in a wider sense thats like. idk theres a sense of hopelessness with her life that mimics what reds going through

theyre also kinda fun bc reds pretty quiet and hostile where jays loud and friendly, and jays impulsivity drags red out of his shell to actually do things. idk its a fun dynamic that im kinda into

maybe its just me but i think theres something interesting about former child superhero!jay as an adult whos like. yeah the only things i really know how to do are really violent and horrible things, and im an adult now who never actually learned how to do anything else, so idk how to live.

and then its like.

idk that paired with red whos essentially the same, but currently going through it, and its sorta. idk. ive learned how to live with it and actively enjoy doing harm, but still have to live like a normal person despite the fact that were fundamentally different

theres a fun sort of dynamic between the two of them bc of that, like some sort of weird mentor/mentee potential. and they work together bc they both have the same sort of Stuck Where I Am vibe and it hink personality wise theyre really different and hit on a dynamic i like lmao

[parappah]

sasuke makes me feel like.... you would match with him on tinder right. he looks pretty cute in his pictures but his bio isn't really saying anything special and he looks like he has the personality of a mailbox but maybe it'll be different once i actually talk to him right. he messages you first surprisingly and he just says "Hey" and you're like omg.... hey. and you guys just carry out some really basic small talk like hey where do you work, are you in school, etc. he gives really straightforward and kinda boring answers he just doesnt seem like he's doing much. he's not in school he doesn't have a job but you know. you can't really have your standards too high right now simply because of the fact that you were on tinder in the first place. anyway, you and sasuke text over the next couple weeks and its still dry and you usually have to text him first but you figure its just because he's shy and maybe he'll be different once you guys meet in real life. so you guys plan to go out to a restaurant and eat on a friday night and he comes to pick you up at your place but he doesn't get out of his car to greet you which makes you go like.... ok... that's a little weird and also bad manners but you brush it off. you get in his car and say hello and he says hey and on the radio he's playing like some chill lofi hip hop study beats and he doesn't have spotify premium so the ads would play between the songs kind of ruining the chill immersion he was probably going for. anyway, not much is said during your drive to the restaurant but you figure it's just because he's focused on driving and you think he looks pretty cute and you're lowkey relieved that he's not a catfish or anything like that. anyway you guys get to the restaurant right and you guys sit down you order your food ggs and he still isn't really talking that much and he only says things when you ask him a question which is kind of... ok... maybe he's just being shy and you feel like you should just stop being paranoid and just act like a normal person because hello not everyone is the same as you maybe he just needs more time to open up. He cracks a few smiles and jokes throughout the rest of your dinner which greatly relieves you but you still dont feel like you can be fully yourself yet because you know this is just the first date. After dinner he asks if you want to go back to his apartment and hang out and you’re like okay sure even though you know in the back of your mind that its dangerous but he doesnt give you like. Direct serial killer vibes outright and you’re lowkey thinking about texting your best friend to prepare the photos that are going to show up on your episode of 60 minutes just in case. You guys go back to his apartment and its a pretty okay looking place not much furniture but it seems pretty typical for a guy’s apartment. You guys sit next to each other on the couch and he turns on the tv you guys start watching some netflix he doesn’t even ask what you feel like watching and he turns on a show you’ve never seen before and that he’s in the middle of season 5 of but you feel like if you just sit and listen you can get the gist of what’s happening. You start to feel really uncomfortable just laying on the couch in your jeans bc you’re wearing jeans it’s just not comfortable to wear jeans while you’re just chilling so it’s hard to relax sitting there with a guy you’ve basically just met chilling on his couch in jeans. You decide to let your guard down a little bit and lay your head on his shoulder and he lays his head down on yours too and you’re just like okay great it seems like he’s into this and you’re just feeling reassured somewhat due to this small gesture. He puts his arm around you. More reassurance. Then out of the blue he mentions that his roommates aren’t there tonight and if you want to go back to his bedroom and you’re like okay sure not really thinking it through that much but like. You know exactly whats about to happen. A small wave of excitement washes over your brain a bit bc its been a while since you’ve had any intimacy and you’re somewhat curious about what this guy has to offer even though you know how you’ll probably feel afterwards. Anyway. You guys pretty much fuck. But it feels like you’re fucking someone who’s in the other room. He’s not a particularly bad fuck he has a pretty nicely average size/looking dick but you just dont feel him. There’s no emotion you cant tell what he’s feeling it just feels like. Yes theres a guy here he’s fucking me but thats it. Who is this man why am i here i dont even think he knnows my last name and i dont even know his last name either but i do know that he mentioned a friend of his named naruto. Anyway after you guys finish sasuke looks over and asks if you’re okay because you’ve been really quiet and you say yeah everythings fine your stomach just hurts from your dinner earlier which is partially true since you had some spicy food earlier and you can handle your spice pretty well but since you’ve been so on edge the entire night you kinda feel it doing the works on your stomach. He asks if you want to spend the night but it doesnt sound like he actually wants you to spend the night it just sounds like he’s asking out of politeness because it’s not super polite to just cum in someone and then kick them out directly after but you say that nah you have some plans early in the day tomorrow and you should probably just go home. He says aight and then grabs his keys and drives you back to your apartment and as you’re getting out of his car he gives you the softest “see ya” where you can just slightly feel some emotion in his voice but it just doesnt quite reach it. Anyway you go inside you go straight to your room and get in your pajamas and you just curl up and cry. Even though he wasn’t particularly a bad guy but his frigid demeanor just sent you off a little bit and the emotionless sex at the end was really the icing on the cake. And you just kind of feel empty and used like wow did i really just fuck a guy that i just met on tinder 2 weeks ago i feel like such a whore. You text your friends in the group chat what happened and they reassure you that you are in fact, not a whore. You and sasuke text a few times over the next week or so just to keep up appearances out of politeness even though you both know good and well that you’re not compatible. You dont ghost each other or anything like that you guys are still friends on snapchat and follow each other on instagram and you watch his snapchat stories and he watches yours but you just never really talk to each other again but every time you come across him on social media you’re just reminded of that really uncomfortable night

anyway thats how i feel about sasuke

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[frenchphobic]

long fucking post on why a c!dream is a shitty person and probably should not have a redemption because it is unpog

honestly i just want to refute dream apologists thats why im making this post. i think that dream as a villain is interesting but i think that trying to make him out to be secretly a good guy is just bad ngl. also /roleplay and all

tw for abuse and mentions of suicide

dream as a villain

dream is a villain. he is chaotic evil according to wilbur, deliberately does not stream to appear less sympathetic (and yet), and is set up as an antagonist to tommy who bears the title ‘hero’. dream is not a good person, no matter how you look at it or try to justify his actions.

‘but he wants to unite everyone to be a big family :((’ the ends dont justify the means believe it or not. having a vaguely positive goal does not excuse the actions you’ve done. it also goes hand and hand with saying dream is correct for punishing tommy the way he did because he acted up. if i socked you across the face and then suddenly said ‘sorry there was a roach on ur face’ does that make it okay? probably not i still punched you, enacting an unnecessary amount of violence. thats a very simple analogy i will admit and there are more complex comparisons. another example off the top of my head is say a child just scribbled all over you walls with crayons. would hitting them be a justified answer? if u said hes thats really fucked of u go seek help u loon. violence as a punishment is very toxic, just because it gets the job done does not mean it is okay. at the end of the day, you still committed this act and the harm you caused is real, having a good motive doesnt suddenly make it okay.

‘but tommy causes all of the conflict’ the disk war wasnt even caused by tommy, it was sapnap and then tommy got involved. and the reason why tommy even caused conflict was because of the discs, because he wanted them back. and most of the time there was a level of antagonism from another party, such as schlatt exiling him, dream taking the disks in the first place, dream threatening l’manberg. and if dream wanted to end the conflict so badly, why didnt he just give tommy back his disks? tommy upfront said everything started with the disks, so he wants them back so he could end the conflict. notice how after tommy got his disks back he has been staying out of conflict, apologizing to everyone, and the only bad thing hes done is try to scam people but everyone does that. this would have been the most peaceful option, yet dream chose the path that would further antagonize tommy which then draws everyone else into conflict. why did dream need to have leverage over tommy so badly? why did he want to hold power over tommy so badly? its because of control, and that’s ultimately dreams end goal. sure he wants a big server family, but would said family have a free will?

‘but dream is sad’ the thing is dream is completely at fault for everything that happened to him. he pushed away sapnap (and george ig). he tried to take control over the server and their possessions. literally everything that happened to tommy. literally everything involving ranboo. villains can be sympathetic, i am not arguing against that. but it does not mean that they should be left off the hook. that doesnt mean u should ignore the shit theyve done because ‘oh no theyre sad’ because it doesnt make anything better. dream had this shit coming for him.

now people also skirt around calling dream an abuser. which is fair ig, its a very loaded word. its much easier to say manipulated. that being said, dream can classify as abusive. and no, tommy is not abusive. abuse is about control and a power imbalance. dream has power over tommy, but tommy does not have power over dream, at least not in the way dream does. he’s taking back power to stand up for himself, dream uses power to control.

the reasons i listed for why dream is from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project so if u want a source on that, there you go.

using coercion or threats: dream often threatened tommy, such as the pit thing and often employed violence on him. while normally this could be attributed to Normal Minecraft Player Go Smack. minecraft mechanics cannot always translate to real world since violence is pretty normal in minecraft however we also need to consider the context of the scene. dream gave an order, tommy refused, dream applies violence, tommy submitted. thats why its a threat, it has tangible effects that can correlate to real life.

using intimidation: dream blew up logsteadshire as a punishment. dream also destroyed tommys items anytime he visited. dream also hit tommy with his axe i believe. he killed mushroom henry, one of tommys pets.

Using Emotional Abuse: dream guiltripped the shit out of tommy for just hiding things and pinning the blame on tommy for just wanting his own private items. he definitely played mind games on tommy, pretending to be his friend. honestly i probably dont even need to go as in depth because it was so obvious.

Using Isolation: putting him in exile in the first place. destroying the bether portal so no one could visit tommy anymore. i really dont think i need to expand upon that.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: dream in tommys stream when he got trapped said that exile wasnt that bad. he does shift the blame onto tommy for logsteadshire being blown up, even though dreams reaction was entirely unjustified for not listening and hiding.

Using Economic Abuse: see this is where i attempt to parallel minecraft mechanics to real life. obviously, there is no monetary system in place, so when i mean economic, i will use valuables such as armor, food, etc in place of currency. the idea behind economic abuse is to limit the victim’s resources so that they are dependent on the abuser and cannot escape. dream only really allowed tommy to have the armor he gave him while not giving access to armor so he does not regain a sense of power, and in the prison stream, dream holds all the potatoes which puts him in a position of power over tommy. this argument is more ambiguous i feel cause the whole minecraft mechanics thing is kinda weird so u don’t necessarily have to take this part in.

i feel like i need to emphasize this very strongly because dream is not a good person. abuse cannot and should not be a response to someone. its an awful mentality to have. i just want to prove the point that dream is not a good person, his reasons absolutely do not justify his actions.

what makes a good redemption

redemption arcs are tricky. when done right they are great. when done poorly, its a slap in the face. rn im going to establish a formula to what makes a good redemption with an example.

the most well known example of a good redemption is zuko from atla. first, its the magnitude of what theyve done and why. zuko did commit some shitty actions, since he was in a position of power in the fire nation but its because he is a child being abused and wanted to regain honor. zukos real awful acts was season 1 and the whole betrayal thing. thats not to say that zukos actions suddenly are okay, he did shitty things. but its something that can be traced to a higher entity or seem less malicious then the other villains. the thing also about the magnitude of actions is that there is a certain point of atrocities that there is no redemption. some people simply cannot be redeemed because the actions they commit are so ingrained in their character or the action itself has serious moral issues that it would just be wrong.

the next is acknowleding what they did was wrong. a genuine reflection on the self and analyzing what they did and why it was not okay. zuko realized what he did to uncle iroh was bad for example. he turned his back on his father, realizing he didnt and shouldnt seek acknowledgment from someone as heinous as him. its pointing out your actions and going ‘hey, this wasnt right i should not have done this’ and not even excusing ur actions. its also going straight for the root of the problem and figuring out to stamp it from the source. just because a character is sad does not mean they are reflecting, sometimes they are attempting to garner pity. it has to be direct and clear acknowledgement of the injustice.

and finally, an important part about redemption arcs is the actual redemption part. its when you make amends. zuko made amends with katara by trying to help her get revenge, he fought against the fire nation and tried to make things more peaceful in his rule. he apologized to iroh. an important part of the amends section is that it does have to be a genuine desire to change and become a better person, not to change a person’s perception of you. the thing is u cant expect a person youve hurt to forgive you. you cant expect people to be sympathetic towards you nor should u attempt to make urself sympathetic. u shouldnt be expecting a pat on the back or an award. redemption is about internal and character change.

why dream should not be redeemed

ive already established the key points to a good redemption (imo) but heres where dream falls short. his actions are extremely heavy so redemption may not even really be possible. abuse is not something you can wave off so it does cross to the point of fucked up. acknowledgement of what he did was wrong? all he said was that he changed, yet never explained why he changed or was too vague. he needed to label specifically what he did and bring it up. attempting to make amends? he’s been doing the exact opposite in fact he continues to manipulate tommy and ranboo. its not a genuine change. he is still repeating the cycle and has given no indication of ceasing. at the moment he does not have any signs of redemption.

and the thing is most of the attention around a dream redemption comes from either justifying his motives (which i do want to emphasize does not make anything suddenly okay) and because he is sad in prison sad face. these are not good reasons. its gonna pain me severely to bring this up but snape from harry potter does have some form of sad character ig yet he very much abused his authority to bully children as old as 11 just because he said ‘aight gonna die’ doesnt suddenly make his general bigotry and abuse suddenly okay there is a threshold. again im so sorry for using harry potter as an example none were coming to mind and i needed a popular one i do not like harry potter please dont say i do i would pass away.

and the last thing to consider is the audience. keep in mind that the audience is composed of minors and while yes there are adults, minors are the main component of the fandom. keep in mind that there are quite a few people who can relate to tommys character because they might be in the same position or have gone through his experiences. tell me what kind of message does it send to that audience that abusers can be redeemed. this is not a narrative u should push to this audience in these situations and the writers are seemingly aware of it. remember how in exile tommy spiraled into a suicidal mentality? consider how fucked of a message it would be if he just committed suicide instead of escaping abuse and attempting to recover from his experiences. tommy did an excellent job in not going that route and having a message of ‘it will not get better’. its the same thing here. victims are not obligated to care for or forgive their abuser, and portraying an abuser as sympathetic might fuck with the message a lot, even change their perception in that ‘oh, maybe my abuser was right, maybe they had a reason for treating me the way they did’. this is not to say that every victim watching this will internalize this message, but people also look up to these characters. there can be a degree of influence from the story onto oneself and thats the dangerous part.

conclusion

all in all dream is a shitbag asshole and probably shouldnt get a redemption because it would not be pog thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[hello-yue-here]

Yuetara, zukka, and maiko

yuetara

ship

1) its not one of my main ships. i dont rlly read fanfic for them but if i see a cute fanart of them ill enjoy it and i think i first started shipping it because of good fanarts for them.

2) i like yuetara because of how similar they are. theyre both women from the water tribe. they both understand the misogyny that they have faced. and they both said f sexism im gonna be a strong woman. i also love the tui and la parallel. moon spirit and ocean spirit parallel COME ON. YUE IS THE MOON. KATARA IS THE MOST POWERFUL WATERBENDER. THEY ARE THE OCEAN AND THE MOON. the push and pull they could give eachother. that dynamic ftw.

3) i guess if i didnt like something about this ship would be the fact that if i read a fic or see a fanart w yuetara then than means in that particular au i wont get any yuekka and yuekka is probably my second favorite ship. but then again if i get yuetara than i could get a plethora of other sokka ships to go with it so my sadness disappears in like two seconds. gosh shipping is hard sometimes until you remember ‘hey i have like fifty different universes in my head. all ur ships can coexist in ur brain olivia’ other than that i really see no downsides to this ship. maybe i wish it had more content. maybe if it had more content id ship it a lot more but its not one of the more popular ships so the content is kinda few n far between on my feed.

zukka:

SHIPPP

1) my boys. my babies. my loves. i watched this show for the first time when it came out on netflix and when it ended i really didnt ship anything other than kataang. i came onto tumblr to find fun atla content and one of the very first things i saw under the atla tag was zukka content. i was like oh? whats this? zukka? interesting... i was intrigued so i found a list of fic recs and i fell in love with the ship. the rest is history. its probably my number one ship because it was my very first ship here and im nostalgic

2) oh boy there is so much i like about this ship. i relate to a shit ton of characters in atla. but sokka and zuko may be the ones i relate to most. i relate to sokka because i tend to feel second best a lot to my friends. i try to stay positive but things rarely go the way i plan or hope for them too and while im happy for my friends and their achievements i oftentimes find myself thinking why cant that be me? and i see this a lot in sokka especially in sokkas master. i dont feel special a lot and idk seeing sokka feel the same way and then realizing he is special kinda helped me realize that im special too. on the flipside i relate to zuko because i have wild anger issues and difficulty dealing w my emotions a lot as well. i get broody and short tempered and insecure very often and i tend to push people away and i refuse to ask for help (the amount of teachers and adults and therapists who have told me its okay to ask for help ur not any weaker because of it is astounding. do i listen to them? .....im working on it.) and i saw a shit ton of this in zuko. book one and two zuko rarely asks for help as seen in the blue spirit and zuko alone and he pushes away uncle so many times and even when the gaang iffers to help him in i think its the chase he tells them to leave. when he finally has his redemption and joins the gaang and lets them kinda become a better person i was so happy. i want that for myself yk. seeing him finally win the agni kai and overcome his family that always told him he was nothing was such a win. my sister and i get along but when we were children we were very much like zuko and azula. it was extremely competitive all the time and there was so much toxicity and sibling drama to a concerning extent. we get along great now which im very happy about but yeah their sibling relationship hit a lil too on the nose for me. seeing as i relate to these character so much and want them ti be happy i want to live vicariously through them so seeing them together is amazing for me to project into them. i love projecting onto fictional characters and with them i can project onto BOTH so its a winwin. plus so many zukka fics are so well written and heartwarming and heartbreaking and emotional and fluffy anf UGH the talent here us astounding.

3) what do i not like about the ship? again the list is long. oops. mainly the toxic shippers. there are so many toxic zukka stans that sometimes make it hard for me to enjoy this ship but hey! thats what the block button is for:) i despise how often people infantilize zuko and completely ruin his character for the sake of making him a soft weak lil boy who needs protecting. thats just not zuko for me. and ive seen many many accounts even state that this kind of portrayal of zuko is rooted in racist stereotypes about asian men (now i am white so i personally have never experiences racism but i feel the need to bring that up because it is wrong and attention needs to be brought to it because a lot of poc fans have criticised this) and the same for sokka. some ppl rlly skew his character and make him a big strong brute and hypermasculine and once again poc fans have said that this take is rooted in racist stereotypes. again! these are just my opinions! this is my favorite ship! but i think its important to acknowledge some of the bad parts of our ships as well and be critical where criticism is needed :))

maiko

ship

1) I LOVE MAIKO. “i dont hate you” “i dont hate you too” BRUH. my little heart just burst into flames. im sorry guys but maiko is so cute. they hate everything except eachother. BRUH that is one of the cutest tropes. i shipped them the moment i saw them together onscreen and i was so happy when zukos face lit up in the finale when mai came back.

2) “i hate everything but i have a soft spot for you” TAKE MY MONEY I AM A SUCKER FOR THIS. they are so cute together. like zuko is rarely happy in a majority of atla but mai makes him happy and i- 🥺🥺 HE DESERVES IT. and mai is always so supportive of him. when hes stressing out about the war meeting she tries her best to comfort him. and zuko cares about her too. he may not be the best at showing it but oh my god hes TRYING HIS BEST. i think its a very accurate portrayal of teenage relationships because they arent perfect and they do fight but like,, every teenage relationship does that. and even after everything and how he left her in the fire nation she still had his back at boiling rock. she still risked her life against azula to save his butt.

3) the thing i hate about maiko isnt even about maiko. its about antis who think mai is toxic and that zuko deserves better. that has got to be the worst take ive ever heard. they had a fight in ember island. that is NORMAL. they are teenagers. they are not perfect. but underneath all the rough edges and things they need to work out they still care about eachother so freaking much. i genuinelt believe that neither of them would do anything to intentionally hurt the other and i think thats what matters the most. if anything mai is the best girlfriend in the entire world because zuko fucked up like,, quite a few times. he got rlly jealous and dumped her thru a letter and ppl always say that mai was toxic for being mad at him for those two things. umm she had every right to be mad at him for both of those. and while zuko is allowed to feel his emotions and be angry sometimes as well sometimes he needs to think things thru and realize that hey maybe some if this jealousy is unfounded. BUT EVEN THEN. HE RESPECTED HER FEELINGS AND DIDNT TOUCH HER WHEN SHE SAID DONT TOUCH ME. HE RESPECTED HER. so i hate toxic maiko takes because they are literally so wrong in my opinion.

again all of these are just my opinions!! feel free to agree or disagree but please be respectful!! i will respect whatever u think as well because this is all just for fun :)

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

[myherogroundzero]

under the mistletoe with you (todoroki, bakugou, midoriya, kaminari, kirishima, shinsou, dabi)

A/N: just some christmas headcanons with the best boys :) i hope you like it!!! also, merry christmas eve haha!!

warnings: language, mentions of the greased weasel tango

summary: you do whatever you can to get under the mistletoe with the above mentioned characters, even if it means strategically placing it all over the place just to make it happen

shouto todoroki

he was honestly completely oblivious as to what you were trying to do

such a sweet, innocent boy

he was very confused by your odd requests to go to this place instead of that one (even when they led to the same destination???)

but he followed anyway to appease you

which meant that getting him under the mistletoe was very simple

but getting him to understand was a different story

he wasnt very exposed to love between two people (*cough* endeavor you piece of shit *cough*)

so he wasnt very... knowledged in the art of christmas traditions, to say the least

the two of you walked under the mistletoe

you literally stop abruptly and turn around to face him

todoroki: ????????? what???????

you grin at him with that all too familiar glint in your eyes before you point upwards

he looks up and raises his eyebrow

like um... what do you want

but when you wrap your arms around his neck and get on your tippy toes

he starts to realise what you want

he gives you that FUCKING ADORABLE LITTLE SMILE OF HIS UGH

and you smile right back before you lean in and kiss him

he can’t help but smile against your lips because he loves you and its beautiful :((

his hands would be on your hips

everything feels perfect because you are with him

katsuki bakugou

(this is not mine but i wish i was this talented honestly)

he doesnt listen to a word you say

literally he has zero obedience of any kind

but mostly, it’s because he knows exactly what youre up to

all those mischievous grins? all those bribes to go into the kitchen? he doesnt buy it for one second

nice try bucko, but hes not giving you what you want

even tho lowkey??? he wants it too

but he wouldnt admit that

because hes a stubborn bitch

but damn, you do look adorable in your christmas pajamas

honestly, for him it’s become a test of self-restraint

but he seemed to have underestimated how smart you really are

you saw him going through the hallway back to the living room and you bolted

you had, unbeknownst to him, placed multiple mistletoe around the house

you’d caught him by surprised so he had stopped in his tracks when he saw you rush past him

you realise you may have ran too fast, because hes not under the mistletoe; you are

he chuckles before walking to you, grabbing your hips, and pulling you to him

he finally gave in and kissed you

you ran your fingers through his hair while he deepend the kiss

all in all, it got pretty heated

but even though hes kinda mean to you

and a little rough when it comes to affection (not that we mind right?)

youre his princess 🥺

hes even sure to tell you that because um??? you deserve the WORLD

yeah he loves you

a lot

izuku midoriya

THIS BOY

hes so WHOLESOME

he wants to make you the happiest person in the WORLD

literally ask him to do anything and he will

hes so whipped for you its not even funny

“izuku? baby, come here!”

he’s up in seconds, no joke

he’s right by your side, mostly because he thought you were hurt

but then he sees your gorgeous smile and hes confused

of course, him being the subby baby that he is, does not initiate kisses normally (emphasis on normally)

so without hesitation, you grab his shirt and smash your lips against his

again, hes confused as HELL??? but hes not complaining

“what was that for, y/n?”

you give him the most innocent look and he doesnt believe it for a MINUTE

YOU ARE LITERALLY THE SPAWN OF SATAN

but that’s beside the point

you smile and point up to the mistletoe above your heads

he smiles and kisses you one more time (initiation? only sometimes)

“you’re so cute.”

and of course, because you have no self control, you kiss him O N E more time

because hes just too cute

and honestly theres no one you’d rather spend your christmas with

denki kaminari

okay, PLOT TWIST

hes the one trying to kiss YOU

but without his knowledge, you too are trying to kiss him

but you both have two different plans LMAO

“denki baby, come outside with me!”

“okay but consider this: what if you came to the bedroom with me?”

“but... outside?”

“but i wanna show you something!”

literally it’s just you two arguing about who should go where with the other

and both of you happen to be too dense to realise the intentions of the other

but you being the evil son of a bitch you are, you do whatever to get your way

even if that means... bribing denki 😏

“denki i’ll leave your ass, come with me.”

the romance is alive

but he follows you because??? are you joking or not??? he cant FUCKING TELL

you stop in the doorway and look at him

then it hits him

he beams at you and gives you the sweetest kiss

his kisses taste like sunshine

you melt immediately, a tingling feeling spreading from your toes to your fingers

you love this crackhead so much

but youre also a crackhead

like you both radiate MASSIVE crackhead energy

but theres nothing quite like being mentally unstable with the person you love

eijirou kirishima

hes kind of like midoriya?

wants to make you the happiest

but like hes not quite as subby

more of a switch honestly but thats not important

basically, you tell him to come with you

he does it

no questions asked

you grin and jump up to wrap your legs around his waist

he reacts immediately, placing his hands under your thighs to hold you up

you tangle your fingers in his hair, tugging gently as you kiss him

bro this boy has it BAD for you

how did he get so lucky???

youre so perfect???

marry him rn tbh

hitoshi shinsou

this sarcastic son of a bitch can take me

but anyway, he’s a great time really

he’s like the perfect mixture of good, affectionate boyfriend and funny, sarcastic, playful boyfriend

but hes not whipped

you tell him to do something?

“yeah? or what, kitten?”

honestly you want to kill him

but restraint and patience is the key to a healthy and good life

in other words, you dont really have a healthy and good life

just kidding

sort of

but anyway

“hitoshi, darling, you know i love you, right?

“what the fuck do you want?”

his suspicions are REAL

there is NO TRUST WHEN IT COMES TO YOU

you fucking psycho

no but anyway, getting him under the mistletoe is unsuccessful

but you do get kisses from him

he doesnt even need to use his quirk to persuade you into sitting on his lap

youre there in a heartbeat

he peppers your neck and jaw with kisses before he gets to your lips

and with each kiss, you feel your skin tingle and your cheeks burn

he had your whole heart

this smug bitch knew it too

and he used that fact to his advantage, but he’d be lying if he said you didnt have his heart too

hes a little bitch but you love him

dabi

HE IS THE BIGGEST BITCH OUT THERE

but good GOD is he hot

anyway

yeah he goes under the mistletoe with you pretty willingly

probably because he thinks hes gonna get some

but???

today is the day of JESUS

and he needs to read a fucking bible first of all

he still genuinely loves you though

“dabi, come under the mistletoe with me!”

“why? can’t you just come here and kiss me? my lap is much more comfortable, if you really think about it.”

you roll your eyes at that

“but it’s tradition! come on babe, please?”

he sighed

really loudly

as if you asked him to do the most BORING thing in the world

but he got up and came over to you

he pushed you up against the doorframe and kissed you without any warning

your hands rested on his chest as you kissed back, trying to put more force in

he had no problem overpowering you though

he’s a fucking DOM and theres no argument in that

massive dick energy 😎

what was supposed to be a slow and sweet kiss QUICKLY got heated and sloppy

he moved from your lips to your jaw and neck

you were a panting mess

and then he hit that s p e c i a l spot on your neck

and man it was over

you were not going to get out of this one

you were going to have a l o n g night

not that that was much of a problem

you loved him just as much as he loved you

spending the night committing the sinful dance of frickle frackle with him would be magical

lmfao jk this is a strictly christian blog, there’ll be no frick or frack on this HOLY DAY OF GOD