#and that they're glad i am happy

[ourceliumnetwork]

as usual, interactions with my family (benign and in fact only the bare minimum of an interaction) have caused me to have Complex Feelings.

my grandpa's got cancer. this isn't news, it's just a fact and has been a fact since 2016. Pancreatic cancer that has metastasized outside of his pancreas (specifically in his lungs - it's damn lucky it's slow growing and he's a contrarian by nature). He is no longer doing chemotherapy about it, but he's part of a very small percentage of people who survive more than 6 years with it. so. You know. there's that.

He's doing well, all things considered. Again, it's slow growing cancer, he's somehow lucked out with it. I'll know we're close to the end when he stops wanting to get out in his boat and go fishing. Or stops working on the boat in general. I'm very fortunate to have known all of my grandparents for my whole life so far - even if some of them ended up being major bigots apparently. oh well, when you've got 6 you're allowed a couple duds.

My grandpa and grandma are trying very hard to love me. They've adjusted to the name once i mentioned "hey, literally no one i am still talking to calls me my old name anymore, i know i said it was okay to use in the transition stage but i honestly forget to answer to it, would you mind?" and then they immediately went for the change. they still struggle with my pronouns but like. grandpa's got cancer, i'm not going to fuss at him for using she or her for me (especially during a season where like. i am more girl right now, whether i like it or not lol. it's...complicated). I'll correct grandma later down the line if I gotta but like.

they both just assume i'm one of those Strange Lesbians and like, i'm not not one of those, it's just not what i told them when i came out. so like. it's complicated.

I... cannot get over how much they were emphasizing how happy i sound now. Grandma even mentioned it in her note in the card i got sent for my birthday. I mean it's true, i am very happy up here. I'm happier than i ever have been, in fact. I have never been this well off mentally before.

it sucks a little that they like. didn't understand how very deeply unhappy i was before now. that they have to hear it now, how very different i am when i am excited and enthusiastic and looking forward to an actual future for once.

it sucks a lot that i don't feel comfortable sharing more with them, that i don't feel like i can reach out and request comfort or assurance from them. It sucks a lot that they're not the only ones that I feel like this about in my biofamily.

I didn't know I didn't trust any of them until i found people I do trust. until i found people i know i can rely on when things are bad even if only to be in the bad with me so i'm not alone.

the birthday call and card were both somewhat of a response to my update email - one so that grandma could double check to make sure the address would receive mail so i would get my card, and two so that we could catch up a little.

We didn't discuss my health issues at all. the questions i had about our family's medical history, I didn't get any of that information from them. I could have asked. Should have. Forgot. Could probably call them back and bring it up but...

well. Grandpa's got cancer. I don't want him worrying about my heart. or my bones. or my pain. he doesn't know me that well, after all. it would be an unnecessary burden to him. Especially since all of that information was in my email, and they never actually confirmed they got it, outside of me reminding them that the address was in the email - and then the card got to me.

so they got the email. they have it. they have chosen not to respond with any useful information. Just like my aunt on that side. just like my sister.

just like my mom would have, if i'd sent it to her.

at least i know she comes by it honest.

like. bright sides: money for my birthday hell yeah that's a lot of money to buy weed with (i will likely end up using it for bills mainly, but. still). grandpa's still doing okay (desperate to get back out on the water with his fishin pole) and like. i think we're all in a place mentally where we're just. accepting of the inevitable. which like, not fun, but of the pre-grief options, i'll take it. Grandma sounds like she's doing alright and it's getting warm out so she's going to be able to garden which will help her feel even better probably. i don't have to cut off yet another section of my biofamily at this point, which is always a nice thing to not have to do (i won't lie...they are on thin ice, i'm just... delaying things because, well. grandpa's got cancer. wouldn't you?)

i...am allowed to not deal with people who stress me out and make me anxious, even if their genetics did contribute to my existence (and especially if they didn't) but... well. grandpa's got cancer. and he's always been a bit of a dick. he's actually mellowed out a lot, and well. they stress me out but it's... very different from my mom (their daughter). so. they get to be on the same boat as my aunt (their other daughter) and my sister. i won't do it yet, but. well. i might do in the future. it depends on them.

i hope i don't gotta carve out more of my biofamily in order to have peace. i'd like to keep some blood connection to that side of the family in my circle. i just might need to cast a wider net and involve people i really don't know all that well into it. no time like the present to start building new relationshps with folks, right?

anyway i'll go back to trying hard not to focus on the background planning for what i'm going to have to be ready for when funerals start happening.

[emotional-engine]

In case you missed - GREAT Neopets News!

I didn't see anybody talking about the news here, so I thought that I could share a summary.

The Neopets Team announced today that they're under new management. They're no longer affiliated with Jumpstart (which announced their closure back in June) or their parent company NetDragon.

In their blog post in the official Neopets Medium page, they confirm that they are now an independent company:

(Dominc Law, worked for NetDragon and was an old school Neopets player. He put together a team to work on saving the brand.)

Also in that blog post the team talks about how they are well aware of the problems the site has been through in the last decade, they acknowledge the lack of resources which resulted in the Neopets website being left broken.

Going ahead, they are going to focus on community requests, such as speeding up the process of Flash Games conversion, clearing up the page conversion backlog, bug fixes, mobile compatibility issues and improving customer support.

Most importantly, in my opinion, they clear up that they WILL NOT go forward with any Metaverse bullshit, and will instead work on creating a game that feels like Neopets:

At this point, they have secured $4M in funding from various (unnamed) investors with additional funding from the management buyout. For the first time in forever, it looks like TNT has the resources they need to move the brand forward. In the blog post, they mention they have already hired developers and artists to work on the fixes the site needs.

From what it looks like, the game will be a mobile social life-simulation, parallel to the current website. We don’t have to worry that neopets.com will be replaced by a mobile app.

As of now, they have announced:

A brand new plot, scheduled for early 2024

A 2 million(!) NeoCash giveaway

More transparency with monthly updates from the team, scheduled AMAs

Neopets will be under the control of a new, unified entity: World of Neopia, Inc - the website will remain the same (neopets.com)

A Brand Ambassador Program

No longer going forward with NFT/Metaverse stuff

At the end, they published a FAQ with some answers that I found to be good and very interesting:

You can read the entire blog post here.

Or watch the YouTube announcement (which is way shorter):

[phantoids]

end of the year again - a poem about reaching another year and the feelings that come with it a.k.a toby is having emotions about the year again

[billpottsismygf]

Episode 3 of Dead Boy Detectives is the best one yet. The murder is absolutely brutal, but it's tightly plotted and has so many great character moments throughout.

This is the most attached to Charles I've felt so far. He's currently furthest down my list of favourites out of the main cast, but his performance was really moving this episode. I also loved how it highlighted his relationships both with Crystal and Edwin, and the jealousy that Edwin feels there. Interesting that that jealousy seems to go both ways, too, with Charles being the last to leave Edwin and Monty alone at the end.

Edwin and Charles are unlikely friends in a lot of ways, but I do buy it, especially when he occasionally makes Edwin smile. Here, Edwin is confronted with the fact that he actually doesn't know many of the deeper parts of Charles' life, and that he maybe hasn't shared all of his own. Really nicely done.

Edwin's sexuality crisis continues to be really compelling. I actually adore his dynamic with Monty. I know he's literally a plant by Esther, but their tiny interactions so far have so much chemistry. I also have Thoughts on why Edwin is more open to him than the Cat King, and it's the plausible deniability of it all. The Cat King was extremely upfront about what he wanted from Edwin, and Edwin could not quite bring himself to admit he even understood what that was. Whereas with Monty he's able to retreat behind his protests that "he is a boy and I am a boy, if anything he just enjoys ghosts".

Also! Crsytal and Edwin are becoming friends!!! Crystal's my second favourite character and I'm so happy they're warming up to each other. Edwin is such a spiky character but I love him and want everyone else to love him. On that note, him being understanding to Niko about her trauma also made me very happy. Edwin is not budging as my favourite character!

Small things:

Esther continues to have the best, most over the top performance. Perfect, no notes.

Niko yaoi enjoyer and general weirdo, I love her so much <3

[icewindandboringhorror]

"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"

I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming

[wavernot4love]

wahoo i decided i am going 2 actually do cliquetober this year after a solid couple of years of meaning to - figured i'd post day one, albeit a bit late, while i catch up on day two!

cliquetober '24 day one - corazón

"but for goodness' sake, do the years seem

way too short for my soul, corazón"

[halogalopaghost]

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

i'm sorry i'm not being fun enough on my personal blog which is the only place on the internet i get to just be a person and not have to be professional because it's the only place my colleagues and employers don't follow me but also i'm not sorry because sometimes being grumpy is part of being human and i'm so goddamn tired of having to perform perfection on the internet

[isca-rambles]

Lucy Chen is the love of Tim Bradford's life and Angela Lopez agrees!

[sysig]

hhhhh oh my goodness, your art is so cute and soft- And I love your theories and rambles in the tags, it’s fun to read! Have a nice day! 💙

Thanks so much! 💕 Wishing you a nice day as well!

[thoughtpeek]

I'VE FINALLY FINISHED BROTHERSHIP IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!

[adamussutekh]

Hey this is bit of a long shot but was wondering if the archived lorien legacies fics you saved in 2021 included fics by "i wish i could be number five"? (the drive link no longer works). Been searching for their fics for ages after they cleared their fanfic page a while back. All goods if you don't!

Yeah sorry, google made me migrate them to a different account due to copyright nonsense at some point and I think there's old links still floating around. I'll make a post with updated links in a sec and pin that!

I have a couple! I may have more, but here's the ones I could find with a cursory search. Note that there's some html rot with a lot of these due to the state FFNET was in at the time of scraping so you'll have to do some work to make them easy to read again:

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[the-halcyon-effect]

got 4 more cards signed tonight and 2 shirts from bands!!! (destiny bond is a local band who was brought on as an opener and they were SICK)

i'll go though the other photos & videos i got tomorrow morning and send the good ones then

also here's me being a dumbass with the woman who has been my idol for the past several months

[mosspapi]

I love (sarcasm) how my parents only care abt my health when it's caused by their stupidity. I've been feeling this same way, albeit to a bit of a lesser degree, for the better half of a decade. Lots of it for my whole life. And they just refused to take me to doctors, refused to listen to what I'm saying is going on, refused to do anything abt it even when it is obviously and drastically impacting my life. Until suddenly I'm diagnosed with long covid and it's entirely their fault because they're irresponsible and selfish and let someone they knew was sick around me -me, the guy with an autoimmune disorder- unmasked, and now they're asking me about going to appointments and seeing specialists and getting tests and diagnoses literally every fucking day. It's all they fuckin talk abt. And it's like. Dude. I'd Finally accepted that I will just be fucked up for unknown reasons, that my health is not important to anyone else, and I'll just have to learn to live my life around it, and now you're trying to throw that all out the window and finally take me seriously just so you can absolve yourself of the guilt you rightfully should feel? Go fuck yourselves, seriously.