#and that he had to watch her suffer it without being able to comfort her

[jenscx]

LUCID DREAM — ning yizhuo

it’s been years without ning yizhuo in your life. it feels surreal; the day you walked out without an explanation. but just the thought of being able to see her again, it draws you back into the endless loop of loving her.

TAGS — angst, exes to ???, insecurity, model!ning, ambiguous ending, mentions of alcohol, making up, jmj wedding (we don’t actually get to witness it tho)

WORDCOUNT — 7.4k

you stare at the wedding invitation, written neatly at the top, the invitation is addressed to a ning y/n. you want to cry. the invitation clearly stating your ex’s name makes your heart clench uncomfortably. it’s a blaring reminder that your relationship ended and you’re no longer living in your childhood fantasy.

“fuck,” you swear, “fuck you, kim minjeong.” you want to murder minjeong, but who were you to ask minjeong to stop reminding you of your bitter ending? especially since it was your own impulsiveness that had ended the relationship. you could have been more understanding towards yizhuo, could have tried her best to resolve your conflict, but no. instead, you ran. ran like the coward you were.

you remember the brokenhearted look on yizhuo’s face, the devastated glimmer in her eyes before she had flipped her expression to another, like a switch. or more like a broken one, your brain offers unhelpfully. of course, the quiver of her lips had given yizhuo away almost immediately. you had known yizhuo for a third of your life, obviously you could tell when your soulmate– or in this case, ex, was about to break down.

you wish you had stayed, and simply comforted your soulmate like old times, but you couldn’t bear to watch yizhuo cry, because of you. you remember the look on your friends’ faces when you told them that you broke up with yizhuo, all the words they had yelled at her for betraying yizhuo. you remember the anger directed at you by yizhuo’s parents when you had sent them an apology letter. through the post, yizhuo had told you, letters felt more sincere than emails.

but perhaps the worst reaction wasn’t from any of them, it was simply from your own cat. meowing viciously when you had picked him up, bringing him together with you. the scratches lining your arms only serve as a constant reminder. mao, your british short haired, was desperately attached to yizhuo (and she was the one who named him too. what absolute luck.) his hostility could only be reasoned that he knew his owner had hurt yizhuo. if a silly little cat knew the extent of the breakup, what could that mean for you?

“wallowing in your grief again? that’s not good for you,” you peer up at chaewon, the only friend that somehow wasn’t connected to yizhuo. chaewon takes a quick glance at the invitation and giggles, “you’re going? i hope you survive, you haven’t paid this month’s rent yet.”

you merely sigh.

“the place’s gonna be filled with people who hate my guts, you really think i’m going? minjeong probably only sent this to piss me off.”

chaewon frowns, “you don’t seem pissed off, just sad. honey, you have to let me know if they’re bothering you, like actually. it’s not your fault, well– maybe it is, but you’re suffering too. it isn’t nice for them to do this to you.” you shrug in response. you deserve it. you deserve every stab in your heart, you deserve the tears that escape in the middle of the night.

“let’s drink tonight, okay? we’ll put on titanic or something and cry about life while eating ice cream,” chaewon offers. maybe it’s the thought of getting drunk, or titanic, or crying in your friend’s arms, but the offer is appealing and you find yourself agreeing too soon.

you can hear chaewon do a silent cheer. it makes you smile slightly and gives you enough energy to pull yourself up from the floor.

“i’ll go get the soju, just lie on the couch and relax!” you follow as your friend says and lie on the sofa you had picked out together after mao’s claws had sunk into the leather, ripping it to shreds. the cat was a brat.

doesn’t this remind you of something– or someone? the voice in your head quips. you groan, why couldn’t your head shut up sometimes? your heart drops as you recall the conversation between your parents when you had told them you broke things off with yizhuo. you remember your mother’s expression; disappointed and upset, a stark contrast to when you had told her that you finally found someone. the proud look on your father’s when you introduced yizhuo to them, god, why the fuck was yizhuo such an amazing girlfriend?

you caused this. you want to scream ‘no’. you’re the one who dumped yizhuo. who are you to be upset over thi–

“y/n? hey, stop thinking about it,” chaewon pouts, “don’t make yourself even more sad!” you blink back into reality and at the sight of chaewon puffing her cheeks out, holding two bottles of soju and a large bowl of popcorn, make you want to coo at the girl. you push the thoughts of yizhuo to the back of your head as soon as the opening to titanic appears on the screen.

you two laugh sometimes, mostly chaewon, but it’s quiet throughout the movie and you can’t tell whether you’d rather have chaewon’s comments about how cute the actors are or the silence that allows you to delve deeper into your thoughts. you take a sip whenever chaewon mentions how in love jack and rose are.

when you blink, it’s already at the part where jack allows rose to get onto the wooden door, while he stays in the freezing water. chaewon throws popcorn at the tv, apparently already drunk, screaming at rose to quote, “fucking move her ass,” for jack to get on. you take a large gulp of soju in the midst of chaewon’s sniffles.

“y/n…i can’t believe it… she just let jack die!” chaewon cries out, “the love of her life, she just let him go! how could she just let him die?!” you nod, trying to drink the already empty bottle of soju.

when you stand up, the whole room swirls and you stumble back onto the couch. “don’t let her go, y/n!” you jump at the close proximity of chaewon’s voice, “don’t let the love of your life go!”

you hum in agreement and scream, “i won’t let her go!” determined, you pick up your phone and the selfie of you and yizhuo greets her. you miss her, don’t you? of course not. you don’t miss her at all. change your homescreen then. you wouldn’t.

you roll your eyes and enter kakaotalk.

y/n [11.38pm]:

i kiss you

i miss you*

read [11.39pm]

“i did it, chaewon!” you exclaim, “i didn’t let her go!”

drunk you is apparently an idiot, since we all know, if a ‘i love you’ can’t solve a crack, obviously a ‘i miss you’ wouldn’t be able to solve an earthquake.

i miss you too. i miss you so much it hurts. but how could you say that, when you’re the one that left me first? yizhuo doesn’t cry as much anymore. she doesn’t sob into her pillow in the middle of the night anymore. the couple posts that appear on her instagram feed doesn’t make tears well up in her eyes anymore.

it still hurts. hurts as much as it did before. and yizhuo might just have to live with that pain everyday. the misspelt word makes her heart throb, in affection and pain, because she could imagine your voice in her head. are you hurting as much as she is? it doesn’t make the stabbing pain in her chest any better to know that the one she loves is suffering.

yizhuo stares at the glaring light from her phone. i miss you. really y/n? she wants to scoff. you were probably drunk out of your mind and sent that text on a whim. or maybe it was meant for another girl. the thought makes yizhuo want to cry.

is there someone else you call ‘baby' now?

fuck, you think, oh fuck. the read blaring on your phone, as if mocking you.

“shit,” chaewon groans, holding her head, “what happened last night? did we accidentally kill someone?” you wish you did. you take a deep breath, and scream. if the neighbours show up the next moment, it’s totally because of the night before, and not your scream at 8 in the morning.

you calm down. eventually. you calm down after chaewon grabs your shoulders and wiggles you back and forth, yelling for you to get your shit together. it only worsens the raging headache the both of you have. if rent wasn’t so high nowadays, you would have immediately fled and lived alone. kim chaewon with a hangover was not a good sight.

“whatever! you drunk texted your ex! whatever! hashtag yolo right— ah fuck, the room is spinning,” chaewon shrieks, “ugh, why did we drink so much?! but! your life isn’t over! so what if you texted her? it’s okay, we stay delusional and pretend things never happened!”

despite the wacky talk chaewon gives, it actually helps. texting yizhuo, while drunk, was a mistake. you nod hastily, “i get what you’re saying, but please let me go.”

chaewon loosens her grip, pursed lips as she huffs, “the most badass thing you can do now is go to the wedding.”

your eyes widen, “what the hell? kim chaewon, are you crazy? no, you’re insane.”

your roommate only grins lazily, “it came with a plus one invite, right? i’ll go with you. it’ll be okay! and don’t you wanna see your friends again?”

“i do, but most of them hate my guts,” you wince, recalling the angry messages left by aeri and minjeong, none from jimin, that probably speaks for itself what she thought of you, “they were yizhuo’s friends first, and mine second. when it comes to things like this, they would, rightfully so, take yizhuo’s side.”

chaewon whistles, “yeah it’s not looking too good for you right now.”

you flop onto the couch, sighing, “if i see yizhuo, i’ll freeze up and make a fool of myself.” your hands fly to rub at your eyes, groaning miserably, “i guess i’m not over her.”

chaewon slides into the space next to you, scoffing, “you think? having her number saved and pinned is crazy and the last time we talked before this, you were in love with her. what happened?”

your heart constricts painfully. you never spoke about your breakup to anyone, only asking chaewon if she still needed someone to split rent with. the moment you had uttered those words, you had left the shared apartment with yizhuo, not turning back to watch the love of your life collapse.

“i…” your throat dries up, “i was in love with her, i guess i still am. i don’t doubt that she felt the same for me, but maybe not anymore. our relationship was the best thing to ever happen to me. the happiest years of my life were when i was with yizhuo. she made me feel alive.”

tears prick at your eyes involuntarily. chaewon’s gaze is full of pity and comfort. sympathy. no one else gave you that.

“she wanted to get married, chaewon,” you whisper, “she was ready for marriage. i wasn’t.”

“oh.”

“i saw her looking at engagement rings one day and god, it was like, how have i never noticed before? she always shows me videos of weddings and how she would want her wedding to be like, but i never stopped to think whether i wanted marriage. i didn’t know what i would say if yizhuo just proposed. would it have hurt less for her if i said no rather than breaking up with her?”

chaewon presses a comforting hand to your shoulder, sighing, “i’m sorry, i literally see two of you right now but i’ll try to articulate this as best as i can.” her words draw out a hollow laugh from you. “you just weren’t ready yet, and yeah, you should have communicated that to her before jumping in to break up, but have you ever thought that you weren’t ready because you didn’t love her enough?”

you swallow, tears flowing down your cheeks freely, “n-no, i love her. she’s my favourite person. i love her so much, too much even. but getting married? that’s a lifelong commitment. i just didn’t know if she was sure that she really wanted to spend the rest of her life with… me. she has her whole life figured out. she’s a rich model who could have anyone else. we were childhood friends first, before girlfriends. and now she’s certain that she wants to marry me? what if there’s someone better for her out there? she’s only been chained to me because we got together so young. i just… had to let her go.”

“commitment issues,” chaewon states, “you have severe commitment issues.”

“i guess so,” you let out a watery laugh. your roommate chuckles, “you want her back?”

“yeah, i’m desperate.”

“let’s go to the wedding.”

you send a small smile to chaewon, “thanks, roomie.”

“i saw the invite by the way, and damn, are your friends rich? don’t get me wrong, i’m going as your moral support but the free buffet too—”

“i’m literally going to strangle you.”

yizhuo twirls the pen in her hand, watching it glide across her fingers and abruptly landing on the wooden table with a thud. she couldn’t stand seeing all the wedding preparations and chose to hide in jimin’s study. the door creaks open, a figure stands by the doorway.

“hello jimin unnie, aren’t you meant to be looking over the finishing touches of your wedding?” yizhuo asks, her smile dimming as she thinks about marriage. jimin frowns, “minjeong’s doing that. she told me to come check up on you.”

“me?”

“i know how you feel about weddings. we all do,” jimin says bluntly. yizhuo’s lips fall into a thin line. of course her friends were aware. they helped pick out the ring for god’s sake. the weight of a velvet box lying in her bedside table haunts her dreams.

yizhuo stands up from her desk, inching closer to jimin, a faux smile on her face, “you don’t have to worry about me. it’s your special day after all.”

“not yet, but let me worry about my friend for a while more before i get married,” jimin mutters, “minjeong sent an invite to y/n.” yizhuo’s whole body tenses up. a blurry image of you appears in her brain. she immediately shuts that down.

biting the inside of her cheek, yizhuo turns away from jimin with folded arms, “and? did she say she was coming?”

yizhuo hears jimin’s hesitance.

“just say it.”

jimin clears her throat, “she’s coming with a plus one.”

a distant thought forms. a plus one. your new girlfriend? did you find someone else? were you coming to the wedding to flaunt your new lover? yizhuo wasn’t dumb, she knew that her friends disliked you, heavily. minjeong most definitely sent out that invitation with disgust. jimin told her what minjeong had said to you. aeri had barely brushed it off, saying you weren’t worth her time scolding, despite the chain of messages she sent. she knew that you were aware they hated you. why would you come to the wedding?

“i-i’m not sure what’s their relationship, but her name is kim chaewon and oh my god, minjeong’s gonna kill me, y/n requested for a shared hotel room,” jimin utters out nervously. yizhuo’s eyes turn into slits. a shared hotel room?

“i see,” yizhuo says indifferently, contrasting the feelings bubbling inside her, “that’s good to know.”

jimin places a hand on yizhuo’s shoulder, “hey, it could all mean nothing, i don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“does it matter when i’m already like this?” yizhuo retorts back.

“i hope you don’t do anything stupid. before everything, you’re still my friend. if y/n showing up makes you uncomfortable, i’ll tell her she’s not invited,” jimin says softly, “minjeong will understand. you come first.”

“it’s your wedding, jimin. i won’t be a burden to you guys. it’s your day,” yizhuo mirrors jimin’s frown.

jimin’s shoulders slack.

“it’s not about that,” the older girl retorts, exasperated.

“what is it about then?”

“i don’t think minjeong will stay neutral and be calm when she sees y/n,” jimin groans, “she’ll probably pick a fight with her and i don’t want my wife to be stressed and angry on her wedding day.”

yizhuo can’t help teasing jimin, “wife, huh?”

jimin smirks, “yes, wife. you know last week, minjeong called me—”

“oh kay! i think you should go!” yizhuo yells, saving herself from the details of her friends’ intimate lives. jimin cackles maniacally as she leaves the study. yizhuo sighs and leans her head against the wooden door. jimin’s footsteps can be heard as she walks downstairs, along with the voices of her friends. they’re all scattered and anxious, she hears the distant shouting of minjeong and aeri. despite the noise around her, yizhuo feels somewhat at peace. for now. she doesn’t know what she’s going to do the moment you come to the wedding.

because despite what everyone else says, yizhuo cannot move on. you were literally half of her life and more. when you had uttered those words of devastation, it was like the world had ended. a terrible nightmare that tortured yizhuo every single day. was she too overbearing? sometimes— well, last time, you had mentioned that she was a very affectionate and clingy girlfriend. was that the sole reason? yizhuo frowns. no, that couldn’t be. you were equally as physically needy as her.

maybe you had found someone new? the plus one that was coming? that didn’t seem plausible either. if you were cheating, yizhuo would most definitely know and you abhorred cheaters anyway.

as she wrecked her mind for reasons, a common past time she developed after you had left, the constant rewinding of the conversation had been engraved in her brain eternally.

(yizhuo had just gotten off work, a smile on her face as she entered the house, heels clacking against the floor. the thought of you waiting at home impatiently for her only brought her smile to widen. maybe you would run up to her and embrace her warmly, complaining about how long she took. yet, neither of those happened and she’s left staring at you, hunched over, at the dining table, a suitcase packed by your side.

“what are you doing?” she had asked curiously. were you going on a trip? begrudgingly, you had gotten up, a sombre look on your face as you whispered, “yizhuo…”

that ticked yizhuo off. you never called her yizhuo. it was always baby, honey, sweetheart. but never yizhuo. it sounded so foreign and cold coming from your lips.

“what’s wrong? is everything okay?” she asked.

your face contorts into one of utter desperation and heartbreak, “i think we should break up.”

yizhuo’s mind had gone blank. she had never anticipated hearing those words from you. break up? that wasn’t in her future with you. her heart clenched uncomfortably against her ribcage and her throat constricted, to the point she couldn’t mutter a single word.

taking advantage of her silence, you run your fingers through your hair, the hair that yizhuo would so lovingly comb through every night as she whispered words of devotion into your ear, “i want to break up.”

“no.” is the only thing yizhuo can say. wide-eyed and stupefied, “no.”

you look as stunned as she is, yet the stark difference between the two of you, are the tears that threaten to tip over at every passing second in your eyes.

“yizhuo,” you pleaded, “i’m sorry. i can’t.”

“why are you doing this?” she croaked out, demanding an answer. the weight of the velvet box in her purse felt like it was dragging her down to the darkest pits of hell. she couldn’t imagine something like this ever happening. you were meant to be her happily ever after.

“i—”

yizhuo couldn’t stand it anymore. “tell me why you want to break up!” she yelled, the confusion and fatigue of her body overwhelming everything.

“i… please… don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“you don’t love me anymore? you found someone else?” yizhuo accused. of course, none of these were the true reasons. you couldn’t even look at yizhuo in the eye before murmuring an apology again and grasping the suitcase in your hand.

“i love you,” you had whispered at the door, “i’m sorry.”

yizhuo doesn’t even respond. pure shock overtaking her as she watched you leave. the moment the door had closed, sobs took over yizhuo as she collapsed on the floor, heartbroken and devastated at losing the love of her life.

if you truly loved her, you wouldn’t have left so easily.)

that statement plagues yizhuo’s mind for the next few years. it replays in her head repeatedly, like a broken mantra. she knows that it’s unhealthy; to be thinking of you every night before she succumbs to a dreamless sleep. yet, sometimes, yizhuo prays that she might be dreaming, and when she wakes up, you would be right by her side. jimin thinks she should get a therapist. but yizhuo doesn’t want to get over you. she fears that you might just become a hazy memory, lost in anger and grief. she doesn’t want that to happen. because despite everything, the pain you have caused her, she still loves you.

it’s strange, the way love works. yizhuo hates you for doing this to her; ruining her for anyone else because if they even bore a similar trait to you, she would just break down. like the blind date aeri had set her up on long ago. fresh out of the breakup, and with extreme bribery and convincing, yizhuo had met shen xiaoting, one of aeri’s friends, over dinner. aeri had said that maybe yizhuo needed someone closer to her culture, and with the homesickness she felt constantly, the lack of comforting words that you provided, yizhuo agreed.

that date was the whole reason aeri stopped asking yizhuo to go on blind dates, for when xiaoting had mentioned that she liked cats, yizhuo had started bawling, the memory of you playing with your own pet cursing her mind.

it was embarrassing to say the least, and even more embarrassing to explain to xiaoting that it wasn’t her fault. the poor girl had thought yizhuo had something against cats. aeri apologised endlessly as yizhuo cried, with an awkward xiaoting patting her shoulder. at least they became friends.

maybe, with the support of her friends, yizhuo would be able to stand the sight of you at the wedding. it would be totally fine! and if she sees you with someone new, maybe, just maybe, it would give her the motivation to finally get over you.

honestly, screw everything. you literally hate chaewon right now. thankfully, jimin and minjeong had provided a one night stay at the hotel. your apartment (and mao) was being taken care of by sakura, one of chaewon’s friends. there was apparently a party before the actual day. you assumed they would just want a shared bachelorette party. however, your self-proclaimed wingman was cozying up to one of the guests. by her straight posture and gentle expression, she was probably nakamura kazuha from high school. yizhuo was friends with her, you remember.

you couldn’t believe that all those words of encouragement had flown out the window the moment chaewon locked eyes with the ‘love of her life’. you roll your eyes, already annoyed with your friend. somehow, you still hadn’t spotted yizhuo amongst the crowd.

most of them, you didn’t recognise. some, from high school and college. the rest, probably family members. maybe some faces stood out, like shin ryujin from history class or jang wonyoung, the valedictorian. but mostly, unrecognisable. from the various mops of hair in the crowd, you spot uchinaga aeri’s infamous smirk. you wonder where the rest of the group are.

you sigh, taking a lonely sip of the champagne they provided. at least it was good.

chaewon’s obnoxious laughter fills the area. it’s loud and irritating, or maybe you’re just easily annoyed right now. kazuha just stares at her, all confused. it’s a little funny.

“y/n.” a steely voice rings out from the crowd. you whip your head, heart racing at the familiar but dreadful tone.

“oh,” you whisper, horror-stricken. you weren’t prepared to meet them now!

the older girl merely stares at you, before you bow your head hesitantly, “congratulations on your marriage.”

jimin visibly loosened up, her eyes twinkling and shining with adoration, “thank you.” perhaps out of all of yizhuo’s friends, jimin was the one who hated you the least. she didn’t bother scolding you or cursing you out, only choosing to glare at you.

“i think we should talk,” she finally says after a moment of silence. you wholeheartedly agree with her. if you were meant to see yizhuo tomorrow, you definitely needed another friend that wasn’t chaewon.

she brings you out of the function room, the starry night sky being the only company outside. jimin takes a long gulp of her champagne.

“why’d you really break up with yizhuo?”

the patiently and dedicated stitches of a sewed wound are ripped apart, directly exposing your bleeding heart and emotions. everything comes falling apart the moment she asks. you can only stare at her.

“i… i made a mistake,” you shake your head, “i wasn’t ready.”

jimin, patient as always, hums, urging you to continue.

“she wanted to get married. i didn’t,” you say, with grief and regret lacing your every word, because everything would be fine if you had just talked to yizhuo.

“we helped her pick out the ring,” jimin adds. you only feel more guilty.

“i can’t give her the life she wants, unnie,” the endearing term of intimacy slips out, a cry filled with desperation, “she deserves the world and i can’t give her that.”

“you were her world. it’s that simple. she only ever wanted you.”

hurt gnaws at your heart, it’s palpitating with raw stabs that echo of your heartbreak.

“i don’t deserve her,” you sigh, “i had to let her go. i couldn’t bear to see the look on her face if i refused her engagement.”

jimin nods, “i understand your fear. but i hate the fact that this could have been solved with an explanation.”

you groan, anger coursing through your veins. you were so upset and narrow-minded at the time. the only solution was to seemingly break up with yizhuo. it would spare her the everlasting pain from a rejection of her proposal.

“i know, i just couldn’t at that time.”

the older girl tries to smile. it’s akin to one of those encouraging ones she would give right before an exam or test. it sparks a shiver of nostalgia.

“jagiya, where are you— oh.”

jimin quickly straightens up, swiftly turning around to face minjeong with a grin, “hey, mindoong.”

you tense up, your fingers wrapping around the glass tightly.

“glad you could make it,” minjeong’s eyes flicker up and down your body, venom evident in her tone as she hisses, “y/n.”

nodding, you reply, “thank you for inviting me.”

the tension is overbearing; with minjeong’s glares, jimin’s beaming smile and your awkward shuffling, you couldn’t wait to retreat to the comfort of your hotel room.

“where’s your girlfriend?” minjeong suddenly asks. you stare at her, confused, “my what?”

jimin’s eyes widen as she hastily pulls minjeong aside, frantically whispering in her ear. but like the past, jimin has never been a good whisperer. you catch phrases like ‘she might not be her girlfriend’ and ‘what if yizhuo hears?’. a looming sensation brews in your stomach.

“kim chaewon? is that her name?” minjeong asks harshly, “didn’t take you to like korean girls, i thought you liked chinese girls instead.”

you’re visibly taken aback. what was minjeong saying? chaewon? your girlfriend? since when was chaewon your girlfriend?

“uh,” despite your fear of minjeong yelling at you, your words come out firmly, “chaewon isn't my girlfriend.”

minjeong falters slightly before scoffing, “yeah right. you don’t have to lie now. we all know that you left yizhuo for some other girl.”

your heart stops. what?

what was she saying?

leaving yizhuo for another girl?

“i— i would never… that’s—”

“minjeong unnie, that’s enough.”

you’ve thought of this moment forever. every single day after the break up. you’ve thought of running back into her arms, apologising endlessly for even thinking of breaking up with her. you’ve thought of how she would accept you graciously with murmurs of comfort, because that was just how she was. a gracious and generous girl who deserved the world. you’ve thought of her bright smile and gleaming eyes.

you’ve never thought of her staring at you, a dull and saddened look on her face.

“ning—”

“minjeong unnie,” she pleads, “please.”

the watery gaze must have swayed minjeong over. you would know, having fallen prey to her puppy eyes before. yizhuo slides the door open, watching intently as minjeong and jimin leave.

“good luck,” jimin whispers just before she steps away. you think you need all the luck in the world right now.

yizhuo lets out a heavy sigh once the door slides closed. she gazes at you for a second. you’re taken back to your younger days, where every day was spent just staring at yizhuo. you had proclaimed confidently that yizhuo was the most gorgeous girl on earth. you aren’t wrong. the years you spent apart from her had done her generously. it had only been two, yet, yizhuo looked more mature and sure of herself.

“did you really find someone new?” she whispers, shattering the glass of ignorance. you swallow, shaking your head, “no.”

yizhuo thinks back to the drunken message you had sent.

“was that on purpose? that text you sent,” she asks, eyes wide and afraid of your answer.

you shake your head again, “i was drunk. i’m sorry.”

“i hate you, you know that right?” yizhuo says. before, you had imagined the piercing stab of pain that came with those words. you had thought it would be the end of your life, with the girl you loved the most saying she hated you.

it’s understandable now, and inevitable.

“i know,” you whisper.

yizhuo continues to stare at you. somehow, this all feels like a fever dream, one that she’ll wake up from soon. it feels unreal to have you in front of her again.

she takes in the sight of you, memorising every detail for if you leave again.

“why’d you come then?”

there are many reasons that you can say, with varying degrees of truthfulness; to congratulate jimin and minjeong, to see your friends again, to just visit your hometown.

“i wanted to see you.” it’s the truthest thing you’ve ever said.

“you can’t,” yizhuo inhales sharply, “yo-you can’t just show up like this.”

“i know, i’m sorry.”

your head hangs lowly.

“tell me the real reason why you left.”

you had expected this.

she would want closure.

your throat constricts uncomfortably.

“i… yizhuo…”

“tell me.” it feels similar to your past.

yizhuo looks as beautiful as ever. she’s the only thing you can think of right now. her lips are moving, yet you don’t hear a single thing.

“i didn’t want marriage.”

oh.

the girl’s eyebrows furrow. her eyes turning into slits of anger as she takes in a deep breath. you know she’s about to start tearing up. maybe you should quickly explain yourself.

it’s your only chance.

“i saw you looking at engagement rings and i knew i wouldn’t be ready if you got down on one knee. you’re a model, for god’s sake. you had a prospering career, being tied down to someone like me wouldn’t bring you any benefits,” you finally say. it’s not the full reason why, but you hope yizhuo would understand even a semblance of your choice.

“i know that it’s a shitty excuse. i know that i’m a coward. but what else was i meant to do?”

yizhuo huffs.

“talked to me. you could have talked to me.”

you resist the urge to roll your eyes.

“would that stop me from breaking your heart?”

the love of your life stands before you. yet, it seems like the only words of devotion you’ll exchange is how devoted she is to hating you. yizhuo crosses her arms, frowning, “yes. i’d much rather have a minute of heartbreak than years of it. you’re such a prick.”

“yizhuo—”

“no, you don’t get to do this,” she points a finger at your chest, prodding the area where your head resides ferociously, “you can’t just come back, explain yourself with an extremely stupid reason, and expect that i would be okay with it. you sent me a drunk text, saying you missed me. how come i don’t feel anything?”

“i love you, yizhuo. i just did what i thought was right in that moment—”

the only thing you can hear is your heart shattering into pieces at the sight of tears falling down her face. yizhuo sniffles, her voice becoming shrill as she adds on, “you’re an asshole. you think you’re the only one in this relationship? you didn’t even explain yourself properly. you think you’re making the right choices for us? for me?”

you continue to stare at her blankly.

the next words come out like a gunshot, “then you don’t know me at all.”

it snaps onto your skin, leaving a scathing burn and engraving ning yizhuo’s name into your body. your insides coil up painfully. hearing yizhuo’s cries as you left years ago had been torturous, but nothing beats her breaking down in front of you right this instant. you’re overcome with a striking urge to pull her into your arms and whisper words of affection into her ears, promising her to never leave. the pet name leaves your mouth quicker than you can think.

“baby—”

a sharp stinging sensation sears in your right cheek. you can feel the affected area heating up, scorching hot and red. yizhuo’s handprint is evident, singed in your skin.

an onslaught of tears rises, but you’re determined to not let them fall.

“okay,” you whisper, unable to say anything else to the equally stunned yizhuo, “i’ll leave. i’m sorry.”

the girl just stands outside in the cold, her eyes bloodshot and cheeks rosy from the wind. before you go, the slight shiver that runs through her body makes you hesitate. the comfort of your jacket feels like a heavy burden now.

maybe you would get slapped again. but at least yizhuo wouldn’t be cold.

gently taking it off, you encase yizhuo in your jacket, biting your cheek (which still hurts!) to resist a smile at how it covers her small figure. she gazes at you like a deer caught in headlights. you sigh and try to move your legs, but they feel like jelly. with much difficulty, you finally make it to the door, using the frame to stabilise your wobbly walking.

when you turn back, yizhuo isn’t staring at you, but she’s staring at the night sky, more specifically, the moon. you take one last look at her. the weight on your shoulders is gone now. and all that is left is a longing feeling to have yizhuo back in your arms again. but maybe, you could live with that.

sliding the door open, you go back into the function room. the crowd had dispersed, leaving just a few people chatting around. you spot jimin and minjeong talking while drinking. aeri’s at the bar, engaged in a conversation with a waitress. chaewon, god bless her, is relatively nearby, while kazuha is nowhere to be found.

“chaewon,” you breathe out, relieved. she turns to you, startled, “oh damn, what happened to your face? you look a little…”

“i know,” you laugh dryly, “i think it’s time for us to leave and go to sleep now.”

chaewon doesn’t argue and instead nods, her eyes drawn to the reddening mark across your cheek. even in the dark light, she could still notice the imprints of someone’s fingers.

“she slapped you?” she asks while you head towards the elevator.

“yeah,” you scratch the back of your neck, “we kind of… argued.”

chaewon laughs heartily at your misfortune. you’re glad at least this brings someone joy. maybe minjeong too. she would love to see you in pain.

“i think you should get some rest buddy,” she pats your back. you nod, feeling as if sleep was just an arm’s reach away.

the conversation with yizhuo had drained you significantly, both mentally and physically. and maybe you should put some ointment on the red area too. you might wake up with a bruise or something tomorrow.

the urge to flop into bed is too strong as chaewon slides the keycard into the slot. the door opens, revealing a luxurious hotel suite with a king-sized bed. you remember requesting for a shared room. it was to mainly prevent yourself from doing anything reckless when drunk. you’d have chaewon to keep you grounded.

“did you get kazuha’s number?” you ask as chaewon throws her face cleanser at you. the girl giggles, “yeah. she’s so cute.”

you subtly cringe at the lovestruck look in her eyes.

groaning, you head into the bathroom. your eyes widen as you prod at your cheek, shocked that yizhuo landed such a heavy hit. damn, has she been going to the gym lately? the yizhuo back then barely had any strength to resist your tickles. there wasn’t any surging hot anger left from yizhuo slapping you, just a dull and yearning hope for her. maybe you should calm yourself down by taking a cold shower.

after dowsing yourself with water, you padded out of the bathroom, only to discover that chaewon wasn’t hunched over her luggage anymore.

you check your phone.

chaewon [10.27pm]:

zuha texted me, staying w her for the night

there’s ointment on the bedside table

for ur stupid face

bye :p

wow. chaewon had managed to do that within a day. staying at a girl’s hotel room? you whistle lowly. maybe she was onto something. but with her departure, the hotel room feels too quiet now. only the breezing and fluttering sounds of the airconditioning accompanying your thoughts of self-loathing. collapsing onto the bed, you reach out for the ointment.

just as you unscrew the cap, the doorbell rings. you don’t recall ever ordering room service. maybe it was chaewon and she forgot something?

you turn the door knob, not bothering to check who it was.

“chaewon—”

ning yizhuo stands before you, glassy eyes and a look of desperation that you’re familiar with.

“oh.”

she shuffles awkwardly, gesturing at your cheek, “are—is it okay? does it hurt?”

gulping, you shake your head.

“can we talk?” she asks, in the quietest voice ever, her words coming out shaky and breathless.

you open the door wider.

yizhuo mutters a soft, “thank you,” as she enters the room. you quickly send a text to chaewon telling her not to come back.

“did you put any cream on it?” she asks.

“no, not yet. i was just about to,” you reply quietly. the tension from the heated argument from before had disapparented, only leaving a strained relationship behind.

“can you sit down?”

you follow her instructions dutifully, sitting right at the edge of the bed. yizhuo lifts the ointment up, squeezing a bit on her finger before gently rubbing it into your cheek. it hurts, but the softness of her touch heals the area.

wincing as she applies more pressure, you can only stare at the girl.

“i’m sorry,” she whispers.

“it’s okay.”

you want to pull her into your arms.

you want her to lean onto you.

you want the feeling of her skin against yours.

“i was really hurt.”

“i know.”

yizhuo sighs, her hands dropping.

“i can’t believe you left me so easily.”

your chest tightens at the devastated tone in her voice. it wasn’t easy, you want to say. but it doesn’t feel right to defend yourself now.

“i thought it was the right thing to do.”

yizhuo lifts her head up, “why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t want to get married?”

“i don’t know,” it comes out in a hushed murmur, “i didn’t want to tie you down. you had a lot more things to accomplish.”

“i’d rather have you and nothing than losing you and having everything.”

the confession goes unsaid. because you’re her everything.

“i’m sorry. you just had your whole life in front of you and i was in the back. i… i didn’t fit into your life.”

the girl takes everything in. you were just so afraid then. scared that once you said yes to her proposal, yizhuo might realise that you weren’t the one for her. you’d rather be away from her, than be with her and make her unhappy. you didn’t want to live a miserable life where you hated each other.

“you don’t get to make that choice for me.”

“i know, yizhuo.”

yizhuo’s eyes are brimming with tears. her raven hair covering her face partially, but you can feel the pain radiating off her.

“you know that i would have been happy just being with you?”

“i know.”

“god, you still left like it was the easiest decision of your life.”

no it wasn’t, you again want to protest.

“you know that even in another life, i would choose to just have you by my side, even if i lose everything else? don’t you understand the extent of my love for you?”

it’s so surreal— the way yizhuo is practically begging for you to realise that leaving her was the worst possible choice for you to make.

“i love you too much.”

“then why’d you leave?” she asks.

through tears, you shakily breathe out, “because i love you too much.”

the lack of past tense doesn’t bother you, nor does it bother yizhuo. it’s a given that you’re still madly in love with the girl, and vice versa. it only leaves the question of what will happen now. yizhuo doesn’t say much afterwards. it’s the truth. you love her too much that you couldn’t bear to see her suffer because of you.

“i was so ready to marry you, i bought a ring,” yizhuo mutters, shedding tears. her sniffles aren’t concealed by the low humming of the air conditioning. it feels too real.

“forgive me, please,” you say.

“i can’t.”

the hotel room goes quiet.

“that’s okay,” it’s hard to say. you want to protest against everything, beg yizhuo to take you back and you could live your happily ever after with her.

it doesn’t happen. you don’t fall to your knees and plead.

you only stare at yizhuo in a mix of fear and longing affection. it pains you to see her so broken, and it only drives the knife further into your heart to know you’re the reason why.

“i’m so tired, y/n.”

you nod, feeling the fatigue seep in.

“me too.”

“can i sleep here tonight?” yizhuo asks softly.

you nod. there were still things to talk about, but you think you’ve done a decent job so far. pulling the covers over your bodies as yizhuo slides into the bed, you relish in the warmth and comfort of having her beside you again.

she turns her head to look at you, uncertainty filling her voice, “let’s talk more in the morning. i’m tired now.”

you agree with her wholeheartedly, inching closer to fit against her back.

as yizhuo’s eyelids flutter shut, you caress her skin tenderly. your index finger writes against her back, strokes lining her skin.

我爱你.

i love you. it’s one of the many phrases you’ve picked up throughout the years of being with the girl. she only taught you silly words and swears, but yizhuo had insisted you learn how to say and write those very words.

it’s fitting, because it’s all you ever feel for her.

because of yizhuo, you’ve had the opportunity to experience having a soulmate for almost your whole life. because of yizhuo, there’s no lingering doubt of being unlovable. because of yizhuo, you get to spend your days filled with happiness.

because of yizhuo, you understand what love is.

you just hope she understands you too.

[wordsarelife]

—call it what you want

pairing: theo nott x fem!potter!reader

summary: in a school filled with people that have a watchful eye on them like they're celebrities, theo and y/n try to keep their relationship private

notes: this just came to me and i thought it would be cute! also theo calls reader belle as a nickname sometimes

-> let me know if you want to know more about their relationship, i think they're my favs now

"can you turn the page, please?" you were laying cheek down on the table in the library, your boyfriend next to you

he sighed before he did turn the page. "we could just stop studying if you're tired" theo suggested

"absolutely not!" you protested sitting up straight suddenly and nearly loosing your balance, theo catching you before you could fall off the chair.

"why are you so determined to study till you're sleeping?" theo asked, while he pushed you back into a comfortable position "i don't even think this is healthy"

"i just know what all of them think" you narrowed your eyes at two whispering two years across from you

"okay" theo said confused, following your line of sight "and what would that be?"

"oh look at y/n potter" you changed your voice to sound more like one of the whispering people in the school "she's doing worse in class than her brother since she got a boyfriend. proves that you can't be smart and pretty"

theo broke into laughter at that and was immediately shushed by madam pince. he quickly apologized before he shook his head at you. "no one is thinking that"

"really?" you asked sarcastically "because i just heard someone say exactly that on the way here"

theo sighed "so what's the plan, baby? you're gonna break up with me?"

you shook your head and rolled your eyes "obviously not"

"okay, then what?" before you could answer, the girls across from you started giggling and theo send them an irritated look, which seemed to be enough for them to leave you alone. they quickly gathered their books and left the library, but not without sending another look in your direction

you ignored what had just happened and buried your face back into the potions book. theo gently pushed the fallen down hair out of your face. "i just have to study until i'm sure that i'll be better than harry. i don't want to be the one whose grades suffer only because she had sex"

theo tried no to laugh, because he noticed that you were actually concerned about that. "i know that you're incredibly smart, belle" theo mused "you will be amazing without studying the entire night, and even if harry is a little better than you, it's just one class, isn't it?"

"i suppose"

"good" theo closed the book and slid it under his arm, standing up and holding his hand out for you to take "let's get you back to your common room"

you sighed, but nodded and took your boyfriends hand, who walked you directly to the gryffindor common room. "don't think about what they're saying anymore, okay?" theo said softly "only you and me know the truth and no one else has to know it"

"i know" you smiled "it just feels so weird that all they seem to do is talk about us"

"we knew that they would, sweetheart" theo reminded you "you're the chosen ones sister and i'm like your very own forbidden fruit"

"no, no, no" you giggled "you will not get away with calling yourself my forbidden fruit" you laughed again and theo smiled, happy that his plan to make you laugh succeeded

"fine" he nodded. he held the book out for you to take "that reminds me.." his hand wandered to his pocket, taking out a small box

"theo...." you said slowly

he detected what you thought immediately "i'm not going to propose" he deadpanned, before he held the box in your direction, taking the book once again so you could look into it.

"theo" you said, but happy this time. in the box was a beautiful gold necklace with the letter 't'

"i don't mean it in a possessive way" he explained "it's just.. eh i don't know.. i'm always next to you, okay? i'm always on your team" he paused, not being able to interpret your expression "you know what? it's stupid, you don't have to keep it" he outstretched his hand, ready to grab the box, but you pulled it away before he could reach it.

"are you daft?" you asked and theo gulped "i love it" his smile returned as quickly as it had vanished a few seconds before. "can you help me put it on?"

you turned around and theo quickly closed the chain around your neck, plastering a featherlight kiss on it, before he took your hair that you had been holding and gently pulled it down. you turned around to him and smiled "thank you" you kissed him and theo felt like his heart could burst.

"of course, belle" he smiled and waved you off, when you entered your common room. then he turned around and walked back to his own.

[dreamauri]

platonic! f1 grid x gen z! driver! reader who just got into f1 but they win a pole position on their debut race and everyones freaking out bcs she won a pole position and maybe the crowd is super pissed even tho she rly deserved it and theyre all mocking / booing her angst to comfort ⁉️

♪ — 𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗘 𝗨𝗣 f1 grid [platonic] x gen z! fem! driver! reader (comfort) “. . . you score high on your debut but fans don't like winners”

( masterlist ) ( requests | taglist )

"Let's groove tonight! Share the spice of life. Baby slice it right. We're gonna groove tonightttttttttttt." You sang happily through the radio as you completed your cool down lap. After learning the way of the car in FP1 and FP2 and studying the track through FP3, you were able to make it to Q3 where you claimed Pole Position.

"And that is, f3 and f2 champion, L/N on pole for her debut race." You heard through the stadium speakers, headbanging and dancing slightly in your seat to the music playing in your head. "Let this groove, light up your fuse, it's alright, alright, alright, oh wowe! Let this groove set in your shoes, so stand up, alright, aaaaaaalright."

You got out of the car, dancing with yourself out of excitement. As you gently took your helmet and balaclava off, a hoard of loud distasteful noises came into contact with your ears once you took off the ear buds. Your excitement died down as you looked at the stadium and the crowds confused.

In the the corner of your eyes you saw Max Verstappen shake his finger and head no. "Who are they- ?" Your question was cut off with the answer. "Fuck you, Y/N." The crowed said infusion making you feel your heart drop between feet. Your face fell from one of happiness, confidence, and excitement to one of fear.

"Don't let them get to your head." Lewis Hamilton wrapped an arm around your shoulder pulling you away from the masses. This was nowhere near what you expected. They sang insults strung to your name and you could only plug your ears, the name your parents gave you felt tainted and stained.

Despite being pulled away, you looked back watching the source of hate with an expression of hurt. "Hey!" You averted your head to the four time world champion. "That was amazing driving over there." Sebastian Vettel ( your hero ) patted your back comfortingly. "Ignore them, your performance is too good for them and they're scared from you." You could only nod.

You sat in a chair outside your garage, watching as your team worked on the car for tomorrow. "Hey kid." Charles crouched down beside you, giving you his famous kind and warm smile. "You doing alright?" "Mhm." You nodded in reply returning his smile. Although still suffering from shock, Lewis and Seb had comforted you and shouted insults back for you ( finding you too innocent and small to swear ).

"I'm ready to go to war." Carlos came up from behind you, his hands on his hips with a frustrated look on his face. "You can't take all of them on, mate." Charles shook his head, sighing. "Watch me. Lets go, Y/N." Carlos rolled up his sleeves, dragging you along.

"Not without me." Max caught up to the trio. He was on his way to offer you a talk over a can of red bull, but the Ferrari boys beat you to him. "Cheers." He clinked his can with yours when he was finally able to give it to you.

The four of you were standing in front of the stadium of haters from the track. Carlos took your free hand 'teaching' you how to flip them off. Charles only watched interested, drinking from his water bottle alongside the red bull driver. "You think PR is going to have a hard time cleaning this mess up." Max looked at you, who was slowly gaining your confidence back with each insult you should in return.

"They're going to have a field day, mate." Charles sighed, watching you and Carlos dance together. Although this was your first time spending time with this certain collection of drivers, this was already your favourite group, one where you could feel comfortable being yourself.

Sitting in between Kimi Raikkonen and Fernando Alonso in the post qualifying press conference, you felt a little tense being one of the only women in the room and the only one with all the attention. "What do you think about the fans' reaction about Y/N getting pole."

"I think it's stupid." Kimi replied bluntly, shrugging. "I think they're scared." Fernando affirmed chuckling. "They are, they wouldn't be booing her otherwise." Kimi agreed nodding. "Y/N has a lot of potential as a driver. They know what she's capable of, and that's- that's very scary." Ferando completed laughing.

You were sitting in between the two men, a blush and a happy smile covering your face as you looked at down at your fiddling fingers. "Y/N are you looking forward to starting the race tomorrow from P1?"

"Who- Me? Uhhh . . . to be honestly, I want to put up a fight against someone, you know. I've always dreamt about winning a battle for P1." You nodded, your pink happy face grinning widely.

Maybe you should've held back a little because you were feeling pressured by all the drivers behind you. Sitting in your car at the starting grid, you felt like a goat that is going to be chased by wolves. "Relax kid, you'll be ok." Looking up from inside your car, you saw Lando who had stopped by to wish you luck.

"I'll be seeing you on the Podium, Y/N. Have a safe race." Pierre cheered as he passed by, giving you a wide smile and a wave. To say you were feeling giddy was fair, you sang songs with your team members while you waited for the race prep. "It's fun to stay at the-" "Y - M - C - A." You heard someone singing with you, your turned around in your car looking at the source of noise.

"Young man young man, are you listening to- oh sorry, Y/N." Yuki apologized once he realized you stopped singing and were looking at him. You could only laugh continuing to sing with him.

And when the time came, you were smiling as you watched the masses boo you. Throwing them the middle finger in return, the eternity of the grid copying you.

"It's lights out, and away we go!"

voice notes 🔊 . . . ( i got writing to this right away, i really liked this idea. thank you for sharing and requesting, i hope it meets your expectations )

[xtreme-shipper]

Just Don't Give Up

Azriel (ACOTAR) x FReader (Human)

WC: 1.5K (Oneshot)

Summary: When it all becomes too much to keep going, our favorite Shadowsinger shows up just in time.

Warnings: Mentions of (and attempt at) suicide, angsty, I think, canon divergent, not proofread, lol, hurt/comfort, English is not my first language. Let me know if I should add anything <3

N/A: Hi! This is my first ACOTAR fanfic, so constructive criticism is really appreciated :) It's been a while since I've written fanfiction, but recently, I've been obsessed with Az, so here we are.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

The night sky was blinding in the best way possible. Another year had passed, and you could see from the distance how your friends were celebrating another Starfall, a drunken joy filling the air, their voices full of excitement. The preparations started early this year, and the night court went all the way in, with concerts throughout the city and free drinks for all its citizens. You could tell the party would go on until sunrise and wondered, not for the first time tonight, why weren’t you down there with them?

“Is everything alright?” Az had asked you earlier that day. You nodded, smiling brightly at him.

“Just had a long night.” He nodded, not fully convinced, but he didn’t push the subject, which you were grateful for. You didn’t need to ruin the mood because of your problems.

 Nightmares from under the mountain still plagued your sleep, making it almost impossible to get any rest, and it was starting to show. The things that you had to see while not being able to do anything haunted your every second.

You didn't expect to survive when you escaped from the human lands, but Rhys found you not long after you crossed the border. He wanted you to turn around, warning you that Prythian wasn’t safe, but the alternative—going back to town—was not an option; anything would be better than that, even certain death. So you stubbornly refused to, claiming you knew how to take care of yourself. The problem was that one of Amarantha’s minions watched the interaction and wanted you for its own entertainment, so Rhys had to pretend that he had taken a liking to you and wanted you as his pet.

Word got to Amarantha, and she wasn’t particularly happy with her plaything taking a liking to someone else, so she punished him while you watched, unable to do anything. Useless.

After that first time, Amarantha decided it was a fun idea to have his “beloved” pet watch the suffering she had caused. So, every time you did anything she deemed disrespectful (which was basically everything), a torture session would take place. You couldn’t help but think that if you had just stayed where you belonged, Rhys wouldn’t have suffered as much as he did. It was your fault, even when he insisted that it wasn’t.

Shaking your head, you try to get rid of the memories.

You turn your eyes to the stars, the same ones you prayed to every night. Always the same wish without any answer from them and wonder, like you so often do, whether you should still be here.

The inner circle had never treated you as less or excluded you from anything. They were your support when no one else would lend a helping hand, and with the years, they became your family, yet even now, you still feel like an outsider. You weren’t Illyrian like Rhys, Cassian, and Azriel. Heck, you weren’t even Fae to begin with. You ended up being in the way most of the time.

You took your jacket off, letting the cold breeze hug your bare arms, where scars of silent battles painted them. A shiver ran down your spine as you stepped closer to the edge of the building.

In the human lands, your family never cared for you, and even when you left, no one mourned your “death”. Here in Velaris, you had people looking out for you, yet you felt like you didn’t quite fit in.

Would they notice? Would they care if you just… disappeared? Fae's lives were so endless that compared to them, humans’ existence must seem… insignificant.

Another step. You had slipped from the party when it all became too much. Your feet were moving on their own accord. Another shiver, another step. They would probably mourn for a while but then move on. You could stop the nightmares and the pain, and they could move on; Rhys wouldn’t have a living reminder of every time he was abused and had to endure the shame. Or when he was beaten, and you had to patch him up with your scarce medical knowledge.

Az and Cass could stop pretending that you didn’t cause their brother more suffering. That your recklessness didn’t make things worse. That they didn’t believe you weren’t brave enough to help him.

You are standing on the border of the building now, eyes fixed on the stars above, “Please,” you whispered. “Please.” You weren’t sure what you were asking for any more. Relieve from the pain, the guilt? Maybe you didn’t need an answer from the stars to fulfill that. You could hear the music all the way up here, a serene tune drowning the rest of the noise. You start walking on the edge, arms stretched wide to give yourself a bit more balance. One step, then another.

Letting go… should you… just one step…

A cold grip settles on your ankle and another on your wrist, pulling you carefully away from the border while a sad smile paints your lips.

You were used to Az’s shadows clinging to you from time to time, so you welcomed the touch but didn’t budge. You knew their master was standing a couple of steps behind you. “You know, you aren’t very sneaky for a spymaster.”

“I was looking for you.” His voice wasn’t more than a whisper. “I was worried since you left so early.”

“I’m fine” was all you said. A lie you had perfected over time.

He led out a humorless laugh. “You don’t seem fine.” You hear his steps, careful but loud, so you know he is getting closer. “Can you please step away, Sunshine?” You tense at the use of your nickname. So familiar by now, yet so unfitting.

“It’s fine, Az. I’m just admiring the night sky.” You can feel him right behind, you know. “It’s a beautiful sight.”

“Y/N… why are you here?” You knew he meant at the rooftop, but your mind couldn’t help going to a darker place.

You take a moment to answer, weighing your options. After a couple of silent minutes, you decide to be honest. “Did you know…” You pause for a second to try to stabilize your breathing. “That I was not only responsible for treating the High Lord's wounds? I was also tasked to inflict them.” You choke at your words, your throat feeling like it's closing, and it’s getting hard to breathe, but you push the words out anyway. “I am responsible for every scar that never fully healed, for every messed-up nightmare he has at night. I can still feel the way his muscles tensed every time I inflicted pain.” The world was spinning before your eyes, and the words were coming out in short breaths. You were gasping for air, struggling to get any inside your lungs, but still, the words wouldn’t stop coming out of your mouth.

“I’m the reason he suffered. If I hadn’t been there that day, or maybe if I had put up with my life at the… maybe he wouldn’t… he saw his… and I couldn’t… anything…” you close your eyes again. “How am I supposed to live here and accept all his help and love whe—”

A strong hand grabs you by your waist, interrupting your words and yanking you away from your doom. “It wasn’t your fault.” Az’s whisper came breathless, and his arms, though firmly hugging you, were shaking.

Tears were running down your face, staining his shirt. A protective wing wrapped around you, offering shelter. Giving you a protection you didn��t deserve. “I need the guilt to stop, Az. I’m a broken reminder of his pain, and selfishly, I can’t take it anymore.” You felt so tiny, so… shattered, fragments of yourself falling to the floor with every tear shed. He was silent for a moment, trying to hold you together while you crumbled.

Then his words reach your ears. “He once told me you remind him of his sister, you know?” One of his hands starts caressing your hair while the other firmly supports you against his body. “That your bad jokes to lighten the dreary mood and your constant presence were some of the things that kept him from giving up. That thanks to you, he was able to survive long enough to find his mate.” A loud sob shakes your entire body, hands fisting his shirt as you grab onto him for dear life. “Do you know why I call you ‘Sunshine’?” Az pauses, so you shake your head in response. “Rhys had been suffering long before you got there, and when he told us how you gave him hope, even when you yourself were silently breaking apart, how you would sing to him and brighten the mood with your warm voice, I knew. I knew you were like the sun he had been deprived of for so long. You saved my brother in the way that mattered the most. You were his light, and ever since you started living with us, you became my light, too.”

You were speechless at his words; raising your head from his chest, you looked into those beautiful hazel eyes and found nothing but tenderness. “You are my light, and I’m sorry it took so long for me to say it, Sunshine.” He places a kiss on your forehead. “I won’t say it will be easy, but I promise to be here with you. We will get through this. I promise, ok?” You nod as his grip tightens. “Just don’t give up, Sunshine.”

[vigilante-3073]

Slice Of Heaven

Logan Howlett x Female Reader

Summary: Logan's happy place.

TW: Pre-established relationship, mentions of death and injury.

Logan had experienced a multitude of pain and suffering in his very long life. It seemed like he moved from one battle to another without any form of respite. He lived his life in a constant state of hypervigilance, never being able to fully relax or rest because he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Logan had a hard time forming relationships and trusting those around him despite his best efforts. A lifetime of betrayal had taught him to be on his guard in every situation and it was exhausting.

Logan knew never to take a good thing at face value and he had never questioned that assertion until he met Y/N.

She was soft, warm and kind. She had no experience with violence and she always saw the best in every situation. Y/N was his polar opposite and Logan couldn't get enough of her.

Some may call her naive, but Logan found her innocence to be endearing. He promised himself that he would protect her and keep her from losing that sparkle that made her shine so brightly. Y/N made Logan appreciate the good things in his life, showing him that no situation is as dark as it may seem.

They shared a small house in the countryside, located almost an hour away from the nearest town. Logan enjoyed the privacy and peace that came from being so far removed from other people.

He took care of the repairs and the yardwork, enjoying the simplicity of monotonous chores opposed to the chaos he usually contended with. Y/N did all of the cooking for the household and she loved to try out new recipes, she even grew her own herbs and vegetables on their property.

Logan had always longed for a simple life of comfort and safety, but he could never bring himself to fully enjoy it. He knew that his past experiences meant that there would always be a part of him that was waiting for everything to come crashing down. Logan didn't have many good things in his life and he had learned that nothing lasted forever. No matter what happened, Logan knew that he would do whatever it took to protect Y/N.

Logan loved her more than life itself and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to her.

...

Y/N hummed softly to herself as she chopped up vegetables on a marked up wooden cutting board. She set her knife aside and picked up the cutting board before moving over to the stove. Y/N held the board over a simmering pot of soup, gently sliding the vegetables from the board and into the broth.

Logan watched her work from the doorway, he had been outside doing yardwork all day and he was exhausted. The peace he always found in their home brought him a kind of solace that he never thought he would experience in his lifetime.

Every day he spent with her healed some of the trauma he had endured in his past. Y/N was piecing the broken sections of his heart back together and she had no idea.

Logan moved away from the doorway, slowly approaching her as she peeled some of the carrots from their garden. His hands rested on her hips as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, "Smells good in here, baby," He muttered.

"Thank you, honey... Weather is starting to get cold and I thought some soup would be nice," She said.

Logan looked over, eyebrows raising when he saw the loaf of bread cooling on the countertop, "Did you bake bread?" He asked.

"Yeah, I think it turned out pretty well," Y/N said, cutting the stems off her carrots.

"You are amazing. Is there anything you can't do?" Logan asked.

"I can't reach the top shelf in any of the cabinets, but other than that I'd say I'm pretty awesome," Y/N smiled.

"Damn right," Logan chuckled, "Do I have time to shower before dinner is ready?" He questioned.

"Of course. Take all the time you need," Y/N said.

"I'll be quick," Logan said, pressing a kiss to her shoulder before stepping away from her.

He washed the sweat and dirt from his body before dressing in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Logan made his way out into the kitchen as Y/N was scooping the soup out into two bowls. A few pieces of bread had been sliced from the loaf and set on a plate in the middle of the table.

She carried both bowls over to the table and set them down before taking her seat. Logan sat down across from her and they began to eat in silence. It was never an uncomfortable silence with Y/N, it was pleasant and reassuring to have each other closeby.

Logan looked up at Y/N, watching her eat the meal that she spent all day preparing. He set his spoon down in the bowl, she looked up at him.

"Do you not like it? I can make you something else," Y/N offered.

"No, baby, it's great. I just- I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate everything you do," Logan said, Y/N smiled.

"I know... I love you too, honey," She replied.

...

Logan stood outside, taking slow puffs from his cigar and blowing the smoke up into the night air. It was quiet, the only sounds coming from the crickets in the grass and the howling of coyotes in the distance. The dew on the grass glittered in the dim moonlight, chilling the wood of the deck that Logan leaned against.

He knocked the ash from the end of his cigar and into the glass ashtray resting on the deck railing next to him. Sleep had never been an easy thing for Logan, he struggled to rest when he was always thinking of what could go wrong.

Logan heard the soft sound of her footsteps through the house before the door squeaked open. Y/N made her way outside, wrapped in his flannel to keep herself warm, "Logan, are you okay?" She asked tiredly.

"Yeah, baby, just couldn't sleep," Logan said, lifting his arm and pulling her into his side gently. He wrapped his arms around her, chin settling on the top of her head as he rubbed his hand over her back to keep her warm.

Her arms slipped around him as she let out a soft sigh, resting her cheek against his chest and listening to the soft thump of his heart.

"Did I wake you up?" He asked.

"No, but I think I could tell that you weren't there," Y/N said.

"Sorry, baby," Logan said, hand running up and down her back.

"You know that you can talk to me if something is bothering you, right?" She questioned.

"I know," He muttered, looking out across their property.

Y/N tilted her head up to look at him, "Is there something bothering you?" She asked.

He huffed a laugh, "No, baby, I just never thought that my life would end up like this after all the shit I've been through," Logan said.

"You deserve to be happy, Logan. You know that, right?" Y/N questioned.

"Yeah, it's just taking me a minute to settle in," Logan said, hand rubbing over her back.

"Do you miss the fighting?" She asked softly.

He shook his head, "No, but I know that I'll have to fight again at some point and I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop," Logan said.

"I'm sorry you feel like that, honey. You should be able to relax and enjoy the life you fought for," Y/N said.

"I'm enjoying every second, trust me... All the shit I've been through makes me realize how quick a good thing can go bad," Logan said.

Y/N rested her head back down on his chest as she silently debated his words. Logan had seen a lot of tragedy in his life and it was a drastic shift to suddenly be living a peaceful life without danger.

Logan looked down at her when he noted her silence, "Hey, where'd you go?" He asked.

She shrugged, "You've just been through so much hardship... Do you ever think you'll be able to fully let that old life go?" Y/N asked.

"I hope so, baby. There is nothing I want more than to be in this with you for as long as you'll have me," Logan said.

Y/N smiled, "How about forever?" She asked.

"I think we can swing that," Logan smirked.

[spudangle]

Companion Bed/Sleeping Preferences

Lae'zel. Brought up as a warrior she definitely prefers practicality over comfort. Big luxurious soft beds are not for her, they’re too much of a hassle to get in and out of, not proficient at all. But if she has to, then she can pretty much sleep anywhere, be it while lying down, sitting, or standing. If she were to choose, she would probably prefer a hard surface over a soft one, so that her back feels nice and straight in the morning. She’s probably the companion who goes to bed first if she’s not on watch duty, and were it not for the elven companions then she would also be the one to wake up first quickly getting ready for the day. However she’s NOT allowed to sharpen her sword until after everyone else has gotten up.     

Shadowheart, too, has been trained to be able to sleep under most conditions, and a comfortable bed hasn’t really been commonplace for her under Shar.

But unlike Lae’zel, Shadowheart would actually enjoy having a bit of comfort in her life, especially after leaving Shar. It’s just something that she has to rediscover gradually. The feeling of the soft warm bed that she has at the Elfsong—a stark contrast to the cold stone of her old bed—is nice, but she almost finds it too warm at first quickly having to throw off her duvet to not overheat. The smell of clean linens however is perhaps her favorite thing, reminding her of a childhood long forgotten. Post-game she would probably enjoy having her own sleep rituals that she can do for herself and not to appease some cruel goddess. 

Astarion is a man of luxury. That means that he wants as big and soft a bed as possible, he practically wants to drown into the mattress. And it HAS to have clean silk sheets, he is done with damp dirty sheets that smell like they’ve been fucked to death. The bed is preferably a curtained four poster so that the warmth can’t escape, because obviously the bed has been warmed up by a bed warmer before he gets in. I know that there are several takes about the wooden board that he has in his tent, but I personally believe that it's there so he doesn't have to place his bedroll directly on the dirty ground. Anyways, Astarion wants a comfortable bed because he is a creature of comfort, and if can’t rest peacefully then he can at least suffer while in a comfortable bed. 

Gale also is a man of comfort when it comes to beds. His bed in Waterdeep has at least ten pillows, however he can only sleep with one otherwise he gets neck pain. The extra pillows are there so that he can sit comfortably while reading in bed. The bed itself is probably also really pompous looking, not exactly like the one from his last night alive scene, no it’s more pompous than that, it’s probably round. Yes it’s round. It’s a round four poster, decorated with golden constellations and heavy velour curtains hoisted up with thick tasseled ropes. And boy did he miss his bed when he had to leave Waterdeep. It’s not that he can’t sleep anywhere else, it just takes him a while to get used to new surfaces. ALSO, Gale most definitely talks in his sleep. Has he ever set something on fire in his sleep? He would never admit it, but he also can’t say no.    

Wyll. Since being cast out by his father Wyll quickly got used to not having a regular bed. He’d either be camping or he’d be offered shelter for his heroic deeds by the people who he helped. He probably enjoys camping quite a bit, finding the quietness of nature relaxing. Either that or he’s too much of an optimist to admit to himself that he misses having a warm bed. Wyll is also most definitely a morning person. Early bird gets the worm and all that. In fact he gets restless if has to laze around in bed for too long. Lastly, sleeping after he gets his horns is, if not a struggle, then at least something that takes some getting used to. For instance, he can’t lie down without a pillow. Not on his back. Not his side. Not his stomach. So pillows are a must, or at least just something that takes the strain off his head/neck while lying down.    

Karlach is probably the most restless sleeper of the gang. Not in the sense that she doesn’t sleep well—because she does—but she is a very animated sleeper, either kicking or punching the air, or she gets those weird twitches while dreaming. So unfortunately she’s not just a bad bed partner because of her body temperature, which sucks because she loves spooning before falling asleep. So, she’s either cradling Clive or her blanket for comfort. She also prefers sleeping in cold environments, which was fine when the group hadn’t reached Baldur’s Gate because when you’re outside then there’s always a draft. However the Elfsong doesn’t offer that same luxury, but at least she gets to sleep next to the window.

Halsin can also pretty much sleep anywhere, not because it’s practical, but because he’s always comfortable, at least when out in the wild. After all, the perk of bear form is that you’re well-padded for any surface. And he is a heavy sleeper. Give this man a good hearty meal, and he’ll sleep for 12 hours. This also means that any bed partner of his should be careful that they don’t get smothered under him, because if he is in deep sleep then you cannot wake him. He has also most definitely talked himself to sleep when telling his children goodnight stories before bed, only to then wake up and find that he’s the one that's been tucked into bed.

(If you’re interested in more bed thoughts then I also have this post)

[twost3ps]

I have not been doing so hot. I keep on saying that but burnout is actually crazy double comboed with artblock. But after some tears of frustration I wanted to show my swap au so yeyey

Short synopsis:

Lilith, Lucifur, Charlie 🔄 Adam, Micheal, Emily

Micheal and Adam fall after taking the forbidden fruit (it is a pear!) Rule over hell together and then have 7 children- Cain, Abel, Seth, Alclima, Awan and Emily. Hell does its own exterminations every year. Micheal and Adam lead along side with their children who participate as well. Up above Charlie watches in dispair. Her father has told her about the horrors of hell and its deranged rulers. She's the angel of Mercy (maybe I might change that) and wants the sinners of hell to have a second chance. So she goes down to hell without asking and tries to find a way to help save some of the sinners from suffering. In that time she makes friends with Hell's royal family starting with Emily and then comes to realize that heaven is a little (a lot) more corrupted than she thought

So here are some of their busts. I drew emily young bcz this was initially going to be a family portrait but I got lazy but for the au she's her canon age her horns are covered by her hair o3o

So heres a long but not full backstory and info of the au if ur interested under the cut:

Idk why yet why Micheal tempted Adam with the pear but it happened. Because of their betrayal, Adam and Micheal get sent down. But while Lilith is stripped of her fertility, Adam has his humanity stripped. When Micheal recovers, he's greeted with his lover in the form of a wild beast, body stretched, covered in feathers. The only human-ish thing is Adam's face which is essentially looks like a porcelain mask of his face with his eyes closed in a permeant smile unless he opens it and then the mask splits in two.

It takes days for Micheal to calm down the animalistic Adam. It just seems like everything about him is gone. Micheal still loves him, though, so he stays. Adam thrashes around, he screams, and he yells. The abyss is nothing but rubble as Adam digs wildly while screaming. Adam is too hostile for Micheal to comfort so he deals with just watching from afar.

As years roll by as Micheal watches his lover, Adam begins to calm down. He's grown tired and his animalistic rage has subsided. Micheal is able to pet Adam and he can see how tured Adam is. They begin sleeping together again.

All seems hopeless that Adam will ever gain any semblance of his humanity. That is until the first sinner arrives.

Micheal had seen the sinner from afar. He was going to approach, but then he heard Adam. Adam barreled at the sinner and before Micheal knew it, Adam had eaten the sinner with a vile crunch.

Micheal rushed to Adam to see the damage. Then Adam moved and turned. It was then that Adam had spoken properly since the fall. He asked Micheal what happened but Micheal could only stare and cry. They were able to talk for a while and they savored every bit of it.

That joy only lasted for a few hours before Adam became animalistic again.

From then on, Micheal made it his mission to gather as many sinners and feed them to Adam.

Initially it hurt. It hurt a lot. And after doing it for so long, Micheal knew that the sinners would never reform. But that harsh reality paled in comparison to Adam finally having his concise again. Being able to finally talk to his lover and husband was more than enough reason for him.

So time flies and hell is getting bigger and stronger. The population of sinners is also getting bigger. There becomes less spawn killing of sinners but they are kinda checked over like livestock to the royal family.

Hell in this universe is more fairy tale based to differ from whats supposed be a circus theme??? that i get from hazbin. Thats what people say so I'm making my hell the brothers grim x into the woods x shrek.

I want the royal family in fairy tale clothes okay >:(

Hell is essentially far far away land except everything is out to get you. The place is straight up inhabitable as everyone who spawns in ends up having to run away immediately. It's so hard not to die or get hurt. The terrane is unforgiving, the trees are out to get you, the flowers are out to get you, the animals are out to get you, the weather is out to get you, the water thats not whatever is out to get you. Any wrong slip and you can just die again. Sinners are a lot more prone to betrayal and rage because living is just so hard.

There is no pentagram city, its like, a couple of very small town that are ruled by overolords. Overlords are people who just got lucky or got into a contract with one of the royal children. They use their power to stay alive and have some semblance of stability but they are given power to they raise other sinners like cattle through contracts if needed.

These overlords though are pretty... yeah... so they kinda become like those fairy tale villains.

So for funzies, all those fairy tales that people hear on earth are true stories that come from hell that had been told by demons who escape to the mortal realm and whisper them in writers ears as they sleep or some bs like that sdfoeufb

But as stated, exterminations do happen. Like cattle, it is important to save up the stock. You cant consume everything as they come, cattle needs its time to grow. So every year, they let the population grow and on extermination day, Micheal and Adam ride out into hell as they purge a bunch of sinners till Adam eats enough to revert back to human form till the next ectermination.

It's only them that exterminate and collect till their children grow up and join them in the exterminations- fueled by their want to keep Adam humanly conscious. They collect the bodies and then Adam feeds on them after hours to gain his humanity back

Micheal and Adam have their children- Cain, Abel, Seth, Alclima, Awan and Emily

Cain, Seth, Alclima, and Awan become the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse (i went with the good omens version with death, famine, war and pestilence- conquest is not one -yet- )

Cain (death) in very short is like Death in puss and boots with a lot less chill. He does have Death's sickles (I wanted to make them Abel's horns so thats a maybe) He's a mama's (adam) boy and a giant brat

Seth (Famine) Chillest of the siblings. He's a lot like Adam, just not as brash. He spreads famine through locusts that emerge from his cloak. They look like pretty jewels until they fly off. Food rots in his presence during exterminations. He hates when he accidentally activates it when hes eating (he loves snacking)

Alclima (War) She's very tough and brutish. Very honest in her opinions and not afraid to speak about it. Her and Cain play fight a lot. The exorcist army exists but they live as the royal family's castle's soldiers and they are commanded by Alclima. During exterminations, she is the one to lead them in battle. Her presence gives people the rage of war.

Awan (Pestilence) Very eerie girl/ Shes got that dead eye look sometimes and just stares at people. Shes actually very kind and soothing. She's very girly and has a room similar to stockings from paswg. Shes a stem girlie

Abel kind of overlooks them as the representation of chaos. (I wanted the death and chaos are the children of the devil thing to happen so this it) The first attempted murder does happen between Abel and Cain, but since they're in hell magic sooo hahah blam Cain allows his body to merge with Abel out of regret and so Abel kind lives in his conscience but can also switch control over his brother (idk im so done)

Emily is supposed to become a fifth horseman as the representation of conquest. But she young and stuff and only just became an adult so she still maneuvering through it- also sera's here too and she takes the place of Alastor and is a royal advisor to the family sufoauebfoebos

They are all part lion coming from Micheal but their horns are from Adam

Their children are very mixed about exterminations, but Emily has the most issues with it. The family in general feels bad, but family over the people. Emily is just way more emotional about it, especially since she is yet to participate.

Exterminations are very mixed in hell with the citizens because while some have the will to live, some want to truly end their suffering. Many willingly sacrifice themselves and go under contracts with overlords. With overlords, they get to live comfortably as they possibly can but they still hate hell so when exterminations roll around they willingly die.

This is a lot but its not everything. Actually this is all very vauge rn but idk if I want to work on this :p

THIS IS SUCH A MESSKJFBIABFIAEGFIAUEGIdfi

Also a bit of the beast adam deisgn. I want to add some more stuff. do some tweaking but AUAGSDD yuppers i will change some stuff about him later (i forgot his horns)

i dont think i'll do much with this au after this -maybe draw it but i won't write- but it was a fun thought

I'll try to post tomorrow some guitarhero stuff but im so dead IAFBISUEBFGI

[numinousher]

CHANTAJE! (xxv)

SUMMARY: being under the watchful eye of the media and your fans, your managers are in desperate need of regaining back your popularity after other influencers who hate you cause mayhem to your life. what best way to do so by having you pretend to be in a relationship with the popular 7 who are known to be intensely wealthy and stoic? will you be able to regain their trust or will they go with their promise of damaging your reputation even more?

WARNING(S) FOR LATER: gore/blood/murder, harassment/bullying, mental health talks (nothing badly triggering), child endangerment (mc was a child actor, again nothing badly triggering. if there is, there will be a warning)

NOTE: ahhhhh next chapter will need to be listened to with wildflower by billie eilish pls

TAGLIST (CLOSED): @parapiop7 @an-ever-angry-bi @softforyoongles @thenaverse @chansatlan @juju-227592 @skyys-universe @carolinexkpop @reallysparklychaos @namjooncrabs @savagemickey03 @drunkzseok @svnbangtansworld @2ne1unni

“That star is orange.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Jin, I get you’re old and you can’t see, but that star is for sure orange or some type of color,” you said, pointing directly at the star you were pointing at so Jin could see.

You two were night seeing stars for some reason. You two had wanted to go out to eat, but he had messed up the time and reservation, so he just ordered food to your place and you two put some blankets on the grass.

“You’re fucking with me that’s it,” Jim scoffed out, squinting his eyes to see the star you were pointing at better. “Girl, I cannot see shit.”

“You have such a potty mouth for one that is the oldest,” you said with amusement, looking down at his figure lying down on the grass. “Also, remind me to get you some binoculars or some shit because how can you not see it?”

“Leave me alone,” Jin groaned, softly pushing you away. “I see it now. Happy?”

“Well, now I feel like you said that out of pity,” you said with a noise while simultaneously crossing your arms dramatically. “We suck at this. We can go inside to look at some movie.”

“Can we see one of yours?” He suggested, standing up and sticking his hand out to help you get on your feet. You scrunched your nose as you two got the food to take it inside. “Come on, I haven’t seen one.”

“Fine,” you dragged out. You two walked back inside your room, heading immediately towards the living room so you could put one of your movies. “Sad, rom-com, action, or psychological horror?”

“Sad, I feel like crying today,” he replied. He sat down on the side closer to the door and waited until you put on one of your sad movies. It was everyone’s favorite genre so of course you had more than one. Just like how so many actors were given a title, yours was “she’s mostly known for being in sad movies.” You didn’t know whether you should take it as a compliment, but you did. It was nice being known as that since you did a good job causing tears.

You and Jin sat on the couch for 2 hours, watching your film, “Color Blue.” He went watching it without knowing the plot (you didn’t want to tell him) and now he was suffering the consequences. You were sobbing, he was sobbing, tissues were spread everything (just the table), and he was left hurt at the ending.

“That was it?” He sniffed. “What the hell? He just leaves? He just disappears like that?”

You sniff. “It’s insinuated she met the love of her life shortly after he left. He was her first love but, it was never supposed to be a forever thing due to this circumstances.”

“I hate your fucking movie, what the fuck?” Jin continued to sniff before a sob escaped his mouth. “That’s enough. I don’t want to see more.”

“Can you drive?” You sniffle, placing the tissue on your nose. “Should I call one of the boys?”

“Yeah, call one of those idiots,” Jin said considering the fact you two have been together since 8 AM.

You two didn’t do a lot. He and the others find so much comfort in your home they love lying around on your couch or on your bed. You don’t know why but he and the others have said your house smells like pumpkin and cinnamon, which would be a nice scent for fall.

You took it as a compliment.

You couldn’t help but swoon over Jin’s looks and the way he truly was an awkward person like you have been told. He does have some confidence, but he mostly uses that when he needs to. He used that when you two went to the store to buy some things you two needed for dinner.

You two had to leave, though, when it got a bit swarmed with fans.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” you sniff before you and Jin simultaneously sobbed at the credit scene. You had forgotten a montage of your character and his favorite character was shown.

“Are you two okay?” Yoongi asked, standing up from his chair to look at his wristwatch. He looked at Jimin, gesturing for him while he grabbed his keys. “Hey, why are you two crying?”

They could just hear you both sobbing.

“He didn’t deserve that!” Jin exclaimed.

“It needed to end like that so she could meet him!”

As you two cried, Yoongi, Jimin, and Taehyung (they didn’t know where he came from) headed to the car parked in front of their house.

“Hurry up,” Jimin hissed. He had forgotten how slow of a driver Yoongi was.

After 10 minutes, they arrived to your house. Yoongi did break a couple of laws here and there but, they did get to your house unharmed.

Yoongi and Jimin had gotten out of the car when Taehyung did, which Jimin immediately stopped him for.

“What?” Taehyung scoffed as soon as Jimin stood in front of him, hands placed on his chest to prevent him from walking any further. “Let me go.”

“No,” Jimin replied with a frown. “Stay here. I’ll come get you once I make sure they’re fine.” Taehyung opened his mouth to argue but Jimin shushed him with a glare. “You will go crazy if you find out they’re hurt. Stay here. I am not fucking kidding.”

Once he made sure he wasn’t following, Jimin hurried into your house with such speed he was surprised he didn’t trip over your front stairs.

“They’re fine!” Yoongi exclaimed. Jimin appeared next to him, out of breath, chest heaving up and down. “They’re crying over a movie.”

“I-” Jimin gaped. He eyed the two figures on the couch hugging each other, holding on for dear life, almost as if they were to detach one would disappear. “What movie did you guys watch?”

“Color Blue,” you and Jin sobbed out, hugging each other tighter.

“Isn’t that your movie, Y/n?” Yoongi asked, eyebrows furrowing together. He glanced at your face on the screen, smiling at another character. “Why are you crying? Don’t you know the plot?”

“It still hurts, okay?” You cried out, throwing him a plushie. He easily caught it with one hand. “I’m such a good actress.”

“Yeah, you are,” Jin agreed, nodding his head rapidly.

Jimin sighed. “Okay, okay, come on.” He separated you two, letting Yoongi comfort you while he comforted Jin. “You big babies. Why are you watching a sad movie?”

“Jin said so,” you answered, grabbing another tissue and dabbing your nose.

“Of course he did. Jin loves sad movies.”

“I love the feeling it gives me.”

Jimin shook his head at his words. “See?” He placed a hand on the back of your head, lightly scratching your scalp while the other scratched Jin’s. “It’s okay, honey. Your movies are great. It’s just fictional.”

“It didn’t feel fictional,” Jin said, calming down. His eyes did tear up, though. “Oh, my God. They deserved their happy ending.”

“Jin, they did get their happy ending,” you sniffed. He looked at you and you gesture at the movie. “The guy at the end, his voice matches the other guys. Why do you think?”

He stayed silent before he gasped. “No way!”

“Yes!”

“What is the movie about?” Jimin whispered to Yoongi while you and Jin babbled.

“He ends up disappearing at the end,” Yoongi quickly answered in hopes you two wouldn’t listen. Just in case you two burst out crying again. “No one knows why he disappeared but, the next scene takes place months later after that. The movie ends with the audience hearing a voice that sounds just like his.”

Jimin frowned. That sounds sad.

He sighed.

“Okay, guys, come on,” he said, ushering Jin to stand up. “It’s late and we have work tomorrow so you mister,” he patted Jin’s shoulders, “need to sleep early.”

He nodded.

“Where’s Taehyung?” Yoongi asked, watching Jimin grabbing onto Jin as best as he could. His head swerved side to side. “I thought he was behind us.”

“I told him to stay in the car or else he was going to go—”

“Are they okay?” Taehyung exclaimed, coming inside the home. Jimin gulped at the intensity of his voice and let Yoongi reply that yes, you and Jin were crying and were fine. A movie of yours just made you two cry.

“Stop him before he heads to her,” Jimin rushed out, the two of them—Jin, too—heading towards Taehyung’s way to stop him from seeing you.

Yes, he loved Jin, he loved him so much. But he has never seen you cry, unlike Jin. So, he was definitely going to head to you with his heart hammering against his chest, his hands balled up into fists, his lips slightly parted, and his need for you stronger than ever.

“Taehyung, she’s fine.”

Jimin blocked Taehyung’s path, but that didn’t stop the man. He softly pushed Jimin away, eyes set on you.

“Taehyung.”

Taehyung ignored the calls for his name and took long strides to reach you, hand traveling down to grip your wrist, and his other helping you stand up.

In a blink of an eye, his hand slithered around to wrap it around your waist, letting his palm rest on the small of your back. He brought you closer, his other hand traveling up your arm, to your shoulder, until it reached the back of your head. His lips were brushing against yours, breaths tingling and intertwining with the others, and you swore your lips were pulling to his like they were magnets.

His thumbs brushed away your tears.

“Give me permission to kiss you and I’ll do it,” he breathed out, holding you like he was inhaling you. “If that’s what will make you better.”

“You’re not asking,” you mumbled in a breath, your nose being hit by the faint smell of his cologne.

“Fuck, I just need to kiss you so badly, please,” he pleaded, fingers slightly gripping your hip until white dents were left behind in their wake. “Please.”

You nodded rapidly against his hold.

He breathed in and kissed you with such intensity and desire, almost as if he had been holding back for years from kissing you. Soft, muffled moans escaped his mouth into yours, his hand gripping your hair a bit tighter to bring you even closer.

“He’s devouring her,” Jimin whispered to the others while they watched you two make out almost in need. “I told you bringing him here was a bad—Taehyung, put her down.”

They watched Taehyung pick you up from the ground, hand situated on your ass while the other gripped your thigh. Your legs were wrapped around his waist, arms around his neck, and your lips still on his despite the change of position.

Kissing Taehyung felt like drinking water after being dehydrated for days, you noted.

His lips felt soft and the way he held you, touched you, and talked to you was enough for you to feel everything all at once. Every single guy made you feel more than you bargained for and you don’t know how to act. None of them knew how to act, either.

“No,” Taehyung dismissed Jimin, placing you on the wall with his hands still in his desired places. God, kissing you was a blessing itself, but having you in his hands all to himself was enough to keep him so happy and relieved. Kissing you was something. “She’s mine.”

“Okay, possessive bitch, leave her alone,” Jimin scoffed out, crossing his arms. Though, he couldn’t help but admit he loved watching you two fully make out in your home. Your safe place. “Make some space for me.”

Jin and Yoongi watched you and Taehyung go from kissing each other to now taking turns kissing the other person added. Your legs had unwrapped themselves from Taehyung’s waist, your feet now placed on the floor, and you were in between both men, caged in their arms, your lips smacking against Jimin’s and then Taehyung’s back and forth.

“This is a bad idea,” Yoongi sighed, shaking his head. “They’re eating her alive.”

“At least they won’t come to you every second of the day to ask for that,” Jin said with a chuckle, finding the scenery amusing. He glanced down at his watch. “It is getting late. Oh, God. That movie has some type of magic, my chest hurt for a sec, I swear.”

Yoongi nodded in agreement. “I know. I watched the movie by myself when I was sick and I couldn’t finish it. It was too painful.”

They continued to watch you three make out, their eyes following your guys’ hands touching and yearning for each other.

They weren’t going to lie but, they felt something in the pit of their stomachs just looking at you three.

Jimin and Taehyung’s hands gripped your waist, bringing you closer. Their breaths intertwined with your own, their moans, too. They kissed you as if you were going to leave, as if you would disappear if they stopped. What did you do to ever deserve this? And what did they ever do to be blessed with you? Not enough. They’ll do more for you. If you want the moon, they’ll find a way to buy it and name it after you. If you want the stars, they’ll buy every sparkly little piece of shit and name it after you. Your name deserves to grace beautiful things because you are the most beautiful of them all. Everyone deserves to utter your name when they look at the things the universe has graced them with.

“I need to breathe,” you softly breathe out, your hands on the back of their heads. You softly gasped as Taehyung’s lips trailed down your neck and Jimin claimed your lips again, both equally as bruising.

Jimin chuckled at the noise and looked at Taehyung. “Taehyung, let her breathe.”

Taehyung shook his head, teeth grazing the skin of your neck to suck on it. His lips kissed each mark he left behind before looking at you with the same hooded eyes he looked at you with.

“Do you want to breathe, angel?” He muttered, holding your face closer to his while the pad of his thumb ran itself over your bottom glossy lip. “Hmm?”

“Just for a sec.”

He smiled before he rubbed his lips against yours. “One.” As you went to ask him what he meant by that number, he kissed you. Jimin snorted and backed away, shaking his head.

“He’s much more tamer compared to when he got together with us,” he noted, very amused. “Should we warn her about that?”

Yoongi scoffed, shaking his head. “You’re going to scare her off before she could kiss us.” He gave you two one more look before he turned around. “Let the poor girl breathe, Taehyung. Pretty sure she’s about to faint.”

“I think I’m about to faint because of how it feels,” Taehyung muttered out loud, taking you back to the wall so he could feel you up better that way.

“He’s acting like a starved man,” Jin whispered rather dramatically, looking at you with worry. “I feel like we would lock him away for her safety, God.”

“Taehyung!” Jin snapped.

Taehyung didn’t flinch. Instead, he leaned back a bit, looking at them over his shoulder. He hummed, staring back at you and kissing your lips softly.

“Come on, you can see her tomorrow,” Jimin snorted out, loving the way you were much more comfortable.

“Why?” Taehyung muttered, tracing your lips. He couldn’t like away from them and your eyes. Your pretty eyes, such pretty eyes. He softly groaned. “God, don’t look at me like that please.”

“Taehyung.”

“You drive me so fucking crazy I’ll do anything for you,” he whispered as if it was a secret.

“Taehyung.”

“The way you taste and smell,” he continued to speak in a hush voice, lips trailing from your jawbone to your neck, “I could devour you whole.” He raised his head to look at you from under his lashes, his hand bringing up one of yours to kiss. “Will you let me?”

You smile and could see over his shoulder that the boys were looking at you three with happy eyes.

“Taehyung, if I say yes,” you started, “will you go home and go to sleep?”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I have you,” he said, not looking away from your lips.

“Okay, you can see her tomorrow,” Jimin scoffed with a smile. He dragged Taehyung away from you, ignoring his attempts to convince him to let him go so he can stay here in your home. Yoongi grabbed him away. “Sweet dreams, pretty girl.”

Jimin kissed you on the lips, backing away to taste your chapstick. “Wear that flavor. It tastes good.”

You snorted and led them out, watching Yoongi and Jin place a desperate Taehyung on the backseat. You stood on your driveway and waved. Jin came back to give you a kiss on the forehead and Yoongi, much to everyone’s surprise, gave you a quick peck. His left you gasping in surprise. You couldn’t even enjoy it.

“Bye, angel.”

“Bye…”

Everyone was busy the next day Taehyung swore he would die if he didn’t see in that exact moment.

He was tugging on his hair until Hoseok had to intervene, slapping his hands away.

He was dozing off, thinking about you and the pillow talk you would have after spending the night together.

He was loving the way his brain would visualize how life would be with you in their relationship, complete. He can die happily knowing that he has all the loves of his life with him.

Jin couldn’t stop thinking about you, on the other hand. None of them could stop. You were so embedded in their brains, they swore they could hear your voice until they snapped their heads and you weren’t there.

What have you done to them?

What type of spell have you put on them?

They didn’t know what but, they loved thinking of you, and they couldn’t complain. No. They couldn’t and they wouldn’t.

It was 6 PM.

You have been “together” for 2 to 3-ish months today.

You maintained lowkey and on the low, and managed to convince everyone that you two were in a relationship. You had doubters here and there but nothing serious.

As for your allegations, there hasn’t been an improvement. It’s hard knowing who did it and not being able to point fingers because you do not have evidence or anything valuable of some sorts.

6:30 PM.

You were in a meeting with Jae and Jake, talking about the new movie you were with Hyung-min that you two have been going over with together. He was there, too, but he was a bit farther away from you. He didn’t want to even hug you just in case he accidentally hurt you.

At 6:32 PM, your phone went off.

At 6:33 PM, your phone went off again.

And again.

At 6:36, Jae’s went off next.

Then Jake’s.

Jae looked at her phone once she noticed you simply shut yours off and just as she was going to shut it off, too, she eyed her notifications.

Her eyes widened and she stood up.

“Oh, no.”

You frown and look at her. “What’s wrong?”

“Y/n… do not go on your phone,” she strictly told you, still looking at her phone. She was typing away and Jake, having looked down at his phone, too, felt his shoulders tense. “Call her PR team. Call the president of the company and alert a meeting ASAP.”

“Hey, what’s going on?” You frown, standing up alongside Hyung-min who had glanced at his phone, too, to see what had his girlfriend panicked. “Jae?”

“Babe, it came out,” Jae stressed, fixing her glasses slipping from the bridge of her nose.

“What did?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest, your hands becoming clammy at the thought of something of yours coming out. “Jae?”

“That stupid thing Namjoon was threatening you with,” she snapped. She calmed herself down. She didn’t even feel this stressed over your bullying allegations. “Remember he said he had something about your sister?” You nodded. “Honey, it got leaked. It’s everywhere.”

“What?” You froze. Your brain froze. Your thoughts were not circulating no more, and you felt numb. “What? Give me the phone.”

You snatched her phone away from her hands and read the article she was reading.

Your chest heaved up and down at coming to see she was telling the truth.

“This can’t be happening. This can’t.”

“I know…”

“I hid that for a reason!” You exclaimed, starting to pace. Hyung-min stood next to you, comforting you. You breathed in and out harshly. “Oh, my God…”

Your secret was out.

< before - after >

[stsgluver]

I'M HERE – gojo satoru

synopsis. reluctantly, you agree to a new life with two children and your ex. PART TWO OF FOUR.

wc. 3.4k

tags. angst, swearing, happy ending-ish, spoilers for s2

“get out.”

satoru flinches at the coldness in your tone, and you want to scoff. as if though he gets to be the one who’s hurt right now. your hands ache and your head feels like it’s imploding as you struggle to take in everything he says. it’s too much, too important, too soon.

a year has passed but you’ve barely had the chance to accept how cruel he’d been when he pushed you away, like you had meant nothing. like you hadn’t spent almost three years side-by-side, majority of that as his girl. 

gojo satoru is someone who always got what he wants – and he got you. he had all of you: mind, body, and soul… but that wasn’t enough for him. you weren’t enough for him. 

“yn–” again, he tries reaching for you and, again, you reject the advancement, standing up abruptly to ensure you can keep the space between the two of you. you swallow thickly and point towards your half open door. gojo’s eyes don’t follow the direction of your hand, instead staying intently on your face as he indulges himself in his favourite picture, even if that picture is stained with damp streaks.

“get out,” you repeat slowly. he needs to leave you in peace again – or whatever peace you’d come to accept after his sudden departure from your orbit. as much as you hate him, your body and mind is still intuitive with his. it feels wrong to watch him cry and not try and comfort him, and from his actions and the way his hands remain stiff at his sides, fidgeting with the material of his pants, you know he feels the same.

after all he just confessed his love for you, you’re aware of how he feels. but you don’t know what he’s thinking and that terrifies you.

“please.” he is begging, the strongest sorcerer alive is pleading for you, but you’re not sure what he expects you to say. i love you? let’s get back together? yes, i’ll totally take care of that monster’s children with you? i’m totally fine even though my best friend decided to murder a tonne of people and then you broke up with me and then i spent 12 months trying not to die on insane missions that i was sent on because the higher ups hate me and i don’t have you as a buffer anymore?

you scoff, arms crossing in front of as you roll your eyes at his ignorance to your suffering, “gojo satoru, i swear to go–”

“woah, woah, what’s going on in here?” 

your eyes dart to the door and you have never been so happy to hear the voice of your dear friend, shoko ieiri. in one hand is her usual unlit cigarette (she swears she’s quitting for real this time, she just needs the comfort of one in her hand), and in the other is her phone. you assume she must’ve been distracted by a call and that’s why he was able to come into the room and not her.

since satoru had put up this wall between the two of you, shoko had been your shoulder to lean on and you know she wouldn’t have just let him waltz in without her support. you thought he was your person, and shoko had watched as you fell apart alone and without him.

you don’t want to know what you look like if it’s anywhere close to how horrible you feel right now. your heart aches and every stitch you had made to patch back together your heart are slowly coming loose. there’s probably mascara running down your cheeks by this point and you’re thirty more seconds of being in satoru’s presence from breaking down into full on sobs as you relive the loss of him and geto.

shoko, your saviour and rock for the past twelve months, comes to your rescue. “what are you going here?” she asks in an accusatory tone towards satoru, head tilted with a raised brow. it hadn’t just been you that satoru had pushed away twelve months ago – it had been everyone. but you know that shoko has still managed to maintain some relationship with him, and from the way his shoulder deflates, he’s smart enough to not burn that bridge too.

“leaving,” satoru responds curtly, brushing past shoko as he makes his swift exit. well, his infinity brushes past shoko and she flips his back the middle finger as she’s gently pushed aside by the invisible force.

you drop down onto your back on your empty bed, both hands covering your face as you try to relax your heartbeat again that runs high wire. you’d be lying if you said you don’t miss satoru; miss seeing him in your room after a long mission or long day of lessons; miss waking up to his raspy voice as he pokes you in the side to wake you up for class; miss being loved by him.

“i thought he was still giving you the silent treatment.”

peeking between your fingers, you glance over to shoko who’s flicking through your open boxes full of your life of the last four years. “i wish he still was,” you admit, voice a little more stable now that you’re not in the middle of crying. the tears have stopped but your cheeks are still flushed red. “has he really taken in fushiguro’s kids?” 

“one’s his, the other is his step daughter,” shoko responds, as though that is common knowledge.

you frown, sitting back up, hands in your lap. “you knew then?” shoko pauses her snooping but doesn’t look back at you. if there’s one thing you and satoru still have in common, is lashing out when you’re upset. ironic given how much you hate him for it. 

“he has… changed. y’know, since geto,” shoko clarifies. the name itself makes you bite down on your tongue and the never ending ache you’re enduring reminds you why you need to leave this place.

“no shit,” you bite back and shoko gives you a blank look. “i’m sorry.” she’d been with you every night for the first month following the break up, she is the reason you are still alive following your sudden increase in mission difficulty. she had been the first to talk shit about satoru or throw random objects at him and just hope his infinity just so happened not to be active (it always was).

“don’t apologise, say whatever you want to me,” shoko shrugs, offering you a sad smile, “i’ll never leave.” three simple words that hold more meaning than you could’ve ever comprehended twelve months ago.

“thank you, love you always.” the two of you share a brief hug (shoko’s never been one for overtly physical affection). 

“good,” shoko pulls back first, checking her phone before waving it in your face. there’s a message but you can’t make it out as she shakes the screen, “now more importantly, are you ready to go? nanami said that he wants to take the next train into the city.”

“can you just give me a minute?” you gesture to the last boxes that you needed to close up – the school had been kind enough to sort out the removal of your belongings (shocker) so all you need to do is just get to the airport and make your plane. 

“of course,” shoko nods understandingly. the split in your class had only led to the two of you coming closer. blood aside, she is and would always be your sister. you know she isn’t happy that you’re quitting sorcery but she knows she can’t keep you happy here, so she’s kept her complaints to herself. 

there’s a soft click as your door closes and you breathe out a sigh of relief. satoru’s words still sit at the back of your mind (‘i love you, i’ve got two kids’ – like what?!), and then you flinch as you remember the wounds that have only just healed on your arm – one of which being a large gash that would’ve killed you had you not been so close to the school when you’d been caught off guard by the curse. this world isn’t for you. 

maybe in another life, one where geto never left the school and satoru never left you, but that is not this life.

grabbing your tape, you go to close the box that shoko had been flicking through when the flash of a familiar photo catches your eye. you hesitate but ultimately that feeling of home consumes you and you can’t stop yourself from lifting the frame from the box. 

it’s you and satoru and geto and shoko and nanami and even haibara.

you remember when the photo was taken: the middle of summer in your second year. satoru and geto had forgone their uniform jackets, the former having one arm around the latter and the other around you. shoko is next to geto and the two second years follow after them. she’s wearing satoru’s glasses as she often did steal them. you’re all smiling – even nanami – and you can’t stop yourself from mirroring the same expression.

those were better times, one where the responsibility and stress of being a sorcerer was only a whispered warning. within a short period that would all fall apart. your teenage years cut short and your innocences stolen following fushiguro toji’s attack.

fushiguro…

you think of his children, the life they will never be able to have because of the thing they are associated with, and the power they've inherited. the children that your ex boyfriend has oh so generously taken in. 

it’s still ingrained in your mind; the sound of geto’s voice over the phone as he struggled to breathe, let alone speak. riko is dead, satoru is dead. that’s all he could repeat over, and over, and over, again. it had been shoko he’d called put you’d been there as she put it on speaker. if it weren’t for nanami being beside you you would’ve collapsed to your knees as you refused to accept what he was saying.

the next few hours were a blur, shoko saving geto, geto going to retrieve satoru, satoru being alive… 

he changed after that. it wasn’t overly apparent, not just to anyone, but you were his girlfriend. he’d reached a state of ‘enlightenment’, as he called it, his cursed technique now far superior to any other sorcerer alive (not that it wasn’t already).

the seven of you never deserved what happened to you – haibara especially never deserved to have his life cut short and the more you remember, the more you decide these children don’t deserve that either.

you bite down on your lip as you realise the conclusion that you’re beginning to come to. one that you’re not 100% sure you won’t regret in the coming months. 

to nanami: i’m sorry i’m not going to make it on the train

from nanami: don’t worry, shoko already let me know you’d probably changed your mind

from nanami: stay safe x

you smile down at your phone. nanami is the closest you’ll ever get to a little brother and even if you’re about to make the biggest mistake of your life, you’re glad he’s escaping this hell.

to unknown: meet me at the old park.

from unknown: what about your plane?

to unknown: 2pm

it’s for those kids, you remind yourself, not for him.

despite being the one to choose the meeting location and time, you’re late and you’re already almost in tears yet again. the park was a regular for you, satoru, geto and shoko as teens. shoko and geto would climb up onto the roof of the public bathrooms to smoke whilst satoru made you push his lanky frame on the big swings. those nights practically always ended at dawn, and no matter how sneaky the four of you thought you were, yaga always caught you sneaking back onto the school campus.

things were so much simpler and you were so happy. a stark contrast to the whirlwind of emotions your experiencing now.

you’d chosen the park to give yourself an advantage, to remind satoru of the memories he could only remember and never relive. it was his fault he’d lost that…

…though even as you think that you know that you’re putting him at too much fault. everything was lost the second geto chose to make the first kill. none of you could’ve stopped that.

shaking your head and brushing your hands down the front of your clothes to brush off the invisible dust and compose yourself, your eyes scan the park for a white haired beanpole and two children. 

it’s not difficult to find the children as the boy – megumi, you think shoko said (she’d given you a quick debrief of what satoru had told her about the children over the phone on your walk there) – is a mini version of his dad. a shudder ran down your spine involuntarily the instant your eye caught sight of the spiky-haired boy. you try to push away the unease; it’s likely megumi barely even knows or remembers his dad, or at least you hope for his sake he doesn’t. either way it’s not far for you to cast judgement yet. the sister is close behind him, running circles around a slide four times their heights.

satoru is sitting on a bench, his gaze focused on the two small children. well, you assume so since that's the way his head is turned. he’s wearing his usual black glasses and tokyo uniform. to any outsider, he looks bored, like an older brother forced to take care of his siblings as his long limbs lounge on the bench. but you know better – his knee is bouncing and he keeps running one hand through his white hair, revealing an undercut beneath it. he’s just as stressed as you are. 

good, as he should be.

he knows you're there. he’s a special grade sorcerer after all, probably the most powerful of them all, he must’ve sensed your cursed energy the second you came within a mile of this place. still, he doesn’t turn his head, even as you walk down the path to him. 

though somewhere deep down you still long for him and what you had, every step closer you feel the same anger and resentment towards him bubbling up and threatening to spill over the surface. meeting him in a public area with impressionable children’s ears around is definitely not your finest idea. you’re within several yards from him now and you’re really starting to think this is a bad idea. 

satoru is a bad idea.

sitting gingerly on the edge of the bench next to him, you pick quietly at the skin around your nails. neither of you speak for several minutes. satoru still seems too afraid to even acknowledge that you’re there. he’s woken up too many times from a dream with you in his arms to an empty bed that he lay in alone, no trace of your perfume on the other side of the bed anymore.

the tension between you two is thick and palpable. 

“they’re cute kids.” you’re the one to break the silence as the two of them begin climbing a spider web apparatus. satoru hums in agreement and his knee slowly halts its bouncing. 

there’s two beats before you let your frustration spill over the edge. “you’re a dick you know that?” so much for your concern about doing this in this locatiom.

satoru’s mouth slacks a little, and he begins to utter something but you shake your head at him to cut him off.

“that was rhetorical. there’s no defending or denying that. it’s fact,” you laugh dryly, crossing your arms in front of yourself as you watch on at the park. in the corner of your eyes, you can see satoru slip off his glasses revealing his own cerulean eyes to you. you avoid them though, if you are going to stay and make this work you need to get all of this off your chest. and preferably without balling your eyes out again. 

“i cried a lot at first,” you continue, “blamed myself for suguru turning away,” he winces and does so again when you cement that point, “blamed myself for taking your best friend from you. i started having those nightmares of haibara calling me a murderer again.” he knows every word you say is true – he caused the former and he would be the one you’d come to when the latter had first started. it breaks his heart to be reminded of the agony he caused you – how he wasn’t there to pick up the pieces from the damage he caused.

following haibara’s death, there were some nights neither of you would get any sleep. you were afraid of what you’d see when you closed your eyes and satoru was afraid of losing you. so he would stay up with you, more often than not sitting against the backboard of the bed, your body curled up tightly against his as you watched funny compilations on his phone (he thought they were hilarious, you just wanted to hear his laugh). for satoru to throw that back in your face after geto’s defection tarnished any comfort you’d ever associated with him. 

it didn’t matter that he’d carved a permanent spot in your heart, the idea of letting him in that close again sends shudders down your spine. he had you in the palm of his hands and he destroyed you.

you take a deep breath and dare to glance over at satoru. his expression is blank but his eyes scream how he feels, the swirls of blue glassy as you relay all that he put you through. 

he had been aware of the hurt he’d caused you – of course he had, he felt it too – seen it on your face when you’d pass him in the hallways. you lacked enthusiasm in class and often went on missions alone without complaint (something you never previously did because how dare the higher-ups send you on a job hours away without anyone to talk to).

“and then i nearly died.” satoru’s brows furrow at this, he’d still kept tabs on you to a certain extent. so how had this slipped through the cracks? “two grade one curses among other nuisances,” you hum, “i shouldn’t have been there alone… but i wasn’t surprised the higher ups had sent me.” there’s something else missing there, how you would’ve never been sent on such a mission of satoru was still with you. the higher ups hated the power you held over their special grade, but they weren’t stupid enough to put you in significant harm’s way when you were together. 

“i’m sor–”

“gojo! can we get some ice cream?” tsumiki runs up to the two of you, cutting off his futile attempt at an apology. her little cheeks are flushed red from the exercise and megumi pokes his head out from behind her, eyes zeroed in on you. 

“who are you?” 

you flicker your gaze between satoru and the children who are awaiting your answer. for once, the white-haired sorcerer is at a loss for words. you want to scoff. 

standing up, you offer a small smile, “just a friend.” you point to the ice cream parlour on the opposite side of the park and nudge satoru’s shoulder gently, “go treat them to ice cream. we can talk about the logistics of this later.”

“this?” he repeats, sitting up straight, and a flash of hope dashes across his features. “so you’re staying?” 

tsumiki’s eyes are bright and full of excitement at the prospect of a treat and it reminds you of haibara. you blink harshly and quickly as you try not to let a tear slip past.

“they deserve better than what we had.” what you had.

series masterlist

a/n. next part will defo be the longest part!! expect fluff, angst, some spice, the whole SHEBANG. I have mocks coming up soon but I'm hoping the next instalment will be up in the next 3-4 weeks. thank you all for being so patient and I hope this meets expectations &lt;3

also a massive thank you to @bontensh0e because they massively helped with the inspo for the rest of the series. ly loads <333

taglist. @sanokiss. @dummyf. @erenssin. @makiuchiha97. @sosoa. @cole-silas. @fenrysashryver. @istanuwow. @dovahkiinsbitch. @mor-pheus. @creolequeen11210. @thefictionalcharacterssimp. @mariapierce789. @cynopcis.

[somanyratsinthewalls]

Heya ^^ ! This is my first time ever making a request so pardon me senpei for any mistake ! =^_^= * blushes * Can you plz plz plz write a scenario about a female reader who is treating and taking care of Zoro/Sanji/Law ? After being exhausted from battle with wounds and high fever and being dizzy .

I've searched a lot about this scenario but no one wrote about it T○T so it will be amazing if you do ♡_♡. Arigatoo senpai ~♡

Hey hey! I picked Zoro from the three, because like, vulnerable Zoro? *drools* …but if I have time I might do the others! I made this a wee bit smutty (ok maybe a lot) but... I hope you still enjoy!

Tender, Loving, Care. (+18)

Pairing: Zoro x afab!reader

Summary: Zoro suffers serious injuries. You provide him comfort in the ways he needs it the most.

Trigger Warnings: sex, injured sex, p in v sex, sponge bath porn?? I didn't proofread this my apologies. <3

You saw him go down. You could tell by the way he wasn’t getting back up that Zoro had been severely injured. You held your breath watching his body in a pile of smoldering rock. He still wasn’t moving.

“Zoro! Zoro you need to get up! Please!”

Still nothing. You started to run towards his body, not caring about the danger around you. You had to get to him. You screamed his name while you were running hoping he would pick up his head. Eventually, after what felt like both an eternity and a single moment, you reached his still body. 

“Zoro it’s me, I’m here! See? I’m right here! We’re gonna get you to Chopper and you’re going to be fine!” You lifted his massive shoulders up to try and prop him up on his knees. This was the point where you saw the amount of blood. Maybe he wasn’t going to be fine… no. He had to be okay. There was so much left unsaid between you. He couldn’t go now. 

Struggling to hold him up you tried to look his face. 

“Please… Zoro… I need you… I need you to be okay…”

Zoro’s swollen eyelids fluttered open.

“Y/n…?”

The tears in your eyes that were welling finally spilled over. “Yeah, it’s me. You’re gonna be okay.”

You barely remember getting him back to the ship. Especially with his condition progressing as much as it was. By the time you had found your other crew mates Zoro’s skin was burning up, you worried his wounds were already getting infected. 

You handed his heavy body over to Chopper and an annoyed Sanji, irate that he had been chosen to help carry this green lump back to the ship’s med bay. 

“Waisshh…. Y/n? Where’shh y/n going?” Zoro slurred out, eyes darting around in all directions, clearly dizzy with pain and fever. 

“If you don’t shut the fuck up, moss head I will drop you on your ass and sail out of here without you.” Sanji bit back. 

——

You paced in front of the med bay for an hour biting your nails, waiting for Chopper to come out with news on Zoro’s condition. 

Nami popped her head into the hallway. 

“You seriously need to chill out before you wear holes in the floor going back and forth like that. He’s gonna pull through, he always does.”  

“You don’t know that. You didn’t see how bad it was…” Tears pricked at your eyes again. 

“Yeah but it’s Zoro.” Nami made a good point. The man hadn’t become the world’s greatest swordsman, there’s no way his heart would give up on him without achieving it. 

She ducked her head back into the hallway and you continued pacing. After a few moments your tiny fluffy doctor came out of the room taking the rubber gloves off his han-… hooves. 

“He’s going to live.”

You shakily exhale, finally feeling able to breathe again.

“Luckily I had the type of antibiotics he needed on hand and I was able to suture up the wounds across his chest and clean them up. He’s going to need to rest for awhile but-“ Chopper diligently explained his course of treatment. You interrupted him by scooping up his tiny body and squeezing it. 

“Oh thank you so much! You’re the best doctor in the whole world, we’re so lucky to have you!” You set down the reindeer and asked, “Could… could I see him for awhile?” 

Still heart-eyed at your praise, he agrees. 

“Sure y/n, it might do him some good to have a little company!”

You nod and grab the doorknob and open the door to the med bay. Zoro lay on a hospital bed low to the ground. You barely recognized him under all the gauze bandages, some showing old blood stains. You carefully tread over and kneel beside the bed… You had never seen him so fragile. He was always so forceful, so confident, so unbreakable. But here he was, sweating and wincing in a hospital bed. You were scared that just breathing too hard around him would make his pain worse. You were so mesmerized by his state that when he spoke you jolted upwards. 

“Y/n…”

You let out a sigh, “I’m here.”

“You saved me-“ He could barely make out the words, straining for each breath.

You shushed him quickly, “No. No talking. You need to save your energy. Please, just rest.” You reached out and gently placed his bandaged hand in your shaking one. He struggled to get out a protest before lolling back into a deep sleep. 

You waited until he started snoring to let go of his hand and head over to the sink and grab a washcloth. You dampened it with cool water and returned to Zoro’s bedside. You spent the next few minutes dabbing the sweat beading his forehead and clearing up patches of blood on his body that Chopper had missed. 

You were so worried about him, but you couldn’t help enjoying this intimacy. There had always been something between you and Zoro. Neither of you would ever acknowledge it, but it was clear to everyone that you were special to him and he to you. He always passed the first plate of food to you at dinner (if Luffy didn’t rip it out of his grip), he would stick close by you in difficult fights in case you got into a jam, and he would hold your gaze longer than he would with anyone else. 

You slept next to him that night. In fact, you slept next to him every night for the next week. After each long day with your crew, you returned to Zoro’s side, silently switching places with Chopper as his attending. You would freshen his pillows, re-wrap his bandages, all while telling him about your day. Each day his strength grew and he was able to move more and engage in more conversation. He was still too weak to sit up or lift his arms for more than a few moments. After 7 days in the infirmary and however many days before that you had to insist…

“I’m giving you a bath. You smell like literal shit.” You sidle up next to his bed on your knees with a bucket of water and a fluffy sponge. 

“The hell you are, woman! You’re going to drop me in the tub and I’ll crack my head open!” Zoro tries to sit up on his elbows.

“I know I would, that’s why I’m going to wash you here.” You begin to soak the sponge and wring it out over the bucket of warm water. "I don’t care what you say, you reek.” You reach your spare hand over his chest and start removing his bandages. You unwrap them to his waist and start moving the damp sponge gently over his broad chest. He let out a hiss at the sudden moisture on his skin. Silently you continue to wash him, nearly knocked backwards when you lifted his massive arms to scrub the pits. After awhile his upper body was sufficiently clean and you moved your position a few feet down on the bed to begin at his lower half. 

You felt your breath quicken and your heart start to beat faster. Your intentions were to care for him and his health but you failed to realize this would involve you seeing him completely naked. You hands hover over the bandages on his pelvis before reaching forward. 

“Y/n… you really don’t have to…” Zoro protested, his cheeks tinged pink at the awkwardness of the situation and how close you were to touching him there…

“I want to, Zoro, it’s fine. Please just relax. Let me do this for you.”

He flopped his head back onto the hospital bed in frustration, knowing he was far too weak to argue with you or stop you. You hands starting removing the bandages around his lower half, trying not to stare at his penis even thought it was directly in your line of sight. 

*hmm… carpet does match the drapes…* You chuckled to yourself. He was impressive, even soft. 

His breathing quickened as you starting washing his lower stomach. Trying to stay platonic, you zone out and stare at a point across the room. You slowly moved the sponge in circles, trying to eradicate his body of any filth left behind by fierce battles. You felt something tap the outside of your wrist. You snap out of your focus and realize it was the tip of Zoro’s cock. He had become hard from your hands on him, his huge dick leaking and bobbing up towards his stomach.  

You were shocked, your head snapped up towards his face. You felt your face turn red. He felt his cock brush you again and moved his wounded arm to cover his eyes. Zoro groaned into the pit of his elbow. 

“I am SO sorry about this y/n… I just can’t help it… You’re just so… you know… ugh” Zoro turns his head to the side to further hide from your gaze. 

You couldn’t believe he was like this… so shy and tender in front of you. You decide to push it further. 

“I’m so… like what, Zoro? Tell me… You can trust me…” You lower your voice to barely above a whisper. You needed to hear him say it. 

“Fuck, y/n…” Zoro still covered his face. “You’re so fucking hot, okay? You’re so pretty. Look at you, beautiful, even? I mean of course you are, I don’t know, okay? And your hands are so soft… and you saved my life, y/n…” He finally moved his arm and turned his head to look at you. 

“How could I not feel like this around you?” He finally said.

Your brain went haywire and you could have sworn you blacked out. You jumped up, dropping the sponge back in the bucket and caged in his head with your arms. You met his eyes for a moment, so soft and pleading, unlike anything you’ve ever seen in him. You smashed your lips on his in a frantic kiss. Zoro returned your action as much as he could in his state, not able to move his arms or neck the way he wants. He wishes he could have his hands all over your supple body, round and heavy breasts, your plush ass… But he couldn’t… not tonight at least.

You pulled back from him for a moment to remove your clothes. You were so needy for him that he didn’t even get a chance to enjoy your naked form in full before you jumped back on top of him. Zoro groaned as you slid back and forth across his thick length against his stomach as you worked yourself up on him. You were letting out soft pants, grinding your pussy on his member at a quick pace. As you moved on his body your breasts dangled dangerously close to his face. He was so close to being able to suckle your soft pink nipples, just begging to be kissed, but his injuries wouldn't allow for it. Damn it.

“Slow down woman…” Zoro breathed out, he never suspected you as someone who was so bold sexually. “What are we rushing for? I’m half dead, baby.” Zoro panted out a laugh.

“I-I’m sorry Zoro it’s just I need you so bad… been waiting so long to have you like this… and when I thought I lost you? I-“ 

Realizing that this situation had affected you greatly as well, he simply must oblige to your needs. 

“Okay then, baby, you can have it. Take it. It’s yours.” 

You held your hips up and lined his fat cock up with your seeping hole. You sunk down and sighed dreamily as it filled you better than you had ever imagined in your wettest dreams. 

“Fuck-“ Zoro groaned and slammed his eyes shut. You cunt was fluttering around him and he thought that was going to be it for him. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. You had your head thrown back, hair dangling down to your ass, lips parted in an open mouthed slight smile. 

“Oh my God Z, why didn’t you say it was this good before?”

Zoro smirked at your praise. 

“You never asked.”

You start to bounce up and down shallowly on his cock. The way it was deliciously filling you to the brim each and every time had your head swimming. Your belly was starting to tighten with each bounce and he could feel your pussy gush more and more down his balls. 

“You’re close babe, you’re so messy. I had no idea you were such a dirty little girl. You in here every night, taking care of me like you’re so innocent. But really? You wanted to be here riding my cock, huh? Such a perfect, nasty little thing. You wanna cum for me? Make it even messier?”

You had no idea he could be so dirty! He had been barely alive a week ago and now he was reading all your filthiest thoughts through telepathy with his dick buried in your womb. 

“Yes please, yes I want to cum please! Wanna make a mess on you, Zoro, please!” You tried to grind yourself to your own release, but you felt two large scarred hands grab your waist. Zoro was using what little strength he had left in his body to push you down further on his cock and grind it into your sweet spot. 

“Oh my god I’m gonna-!” You scream. The pressure releases and your pussy rapidly spasms, each bringing you a wave of pleasure as you gush onto Zoro’s pelvis. Zoro never lets go of your hips, wanting to make sure he is working you through your full orgasm. 

“There it is baby, I know,” He coos at you as he grinds your body into him frantically. You were whining incoherently.  “I know baby, I need it too, I’m almost there… fuck, y/n” 

Zoro groans as he pumps your body full of his cum. He was gasping for air, he had never cum like this before. 

He looses his grip on your waist and you fall towards him, landing on his huge chest. He splays his arms out as his sides and you wrap your arms around him. Both of your chests were heaving. After a few moments Zoro looks down. 

“Fuck… I think one off my wounds opened up…” He touched his chest and brought his fingers up to his face. “Shit…”

You were immediately brought out of your post coital bliss and jumped up to grab your clothes. 

“There’s no time for that! What if I die here!” Zoro shouted at you. 

“Oh you’ll be fine! And I am NOT explaining to Chopper why I’m leaving this room naked! And frankly, you better not either.” You snap back at him.

“Fair…”

“I’ll be right back.” You say as you finally pull your shirt over your head. You reach for the doorknob and pull the door open to leave. 

“Oh hey y/n?” Zoro hollers at you from the bed in the center of the room. 

“Yeah?” You respond.

“Love you.”

You smile back at him. 

“Love you too. 

[cuffmeinblack]

Smile In Your Sleep

Sebastian Sallow x f!MC (she/her)

Tags: explicit | non-con | somnophilia | dark!Sebastian | delusional thoughts

3.1k words

Summary: Sebastian watches her when she sleeps, safe in his arms as she seeks comfort from her nightmares. Beautiful, perfect, and utterly irresistible; who could blame him for indulging?

A/n: *sweats* I'm so sorry, Seb. I made him completely delulu and predatory, this boy is fucked up.

When had merely watching her sleep become not enough? Sebastian pondered the question as he lay in bed, willing her to crawl in with him through some hitherto unheard of telepathy; a cruel thought, as she only ever did so when suffering from particularly horrendous nightmares. He missed her warmth, particularly on these cold Winter nights, though he was restless when she did make an appearance.

He closed his eyes, picturing her laying next to him—eyes shut, her dark eyelashes fluttering as she dreamed, cheeks flushed from the heat under the heavy duvet and those kissable lips just barely parted to aid soft breaths. His memory conjured images of the slow rise and fall of her chest beneath those gorgeous breasts that regularly featured in his own dreams. Sebastian gripped his aching length, his clothes long banished as he lay in the confines of his bed. He lingered on the thought of pushing himself into her mouth, parting those lips further as he slid down her throat. In his fantasies, she didn't react; merely lay still, statuesque, perfect as he violated her.

"F-fuck…," he stuttered as he came hard, spilling over his hand and stomach.

The shame that so usually flooded his mind had gradually dulled over the weeks, making way for a resignation that this was no passing phase. What bothered Sebastian now wasn't the activities he conducted in private—that was his own business, after all—it was the desire to act out his fantasies, growing ever stronger each time she made his way to him during those hard nights. That spurred his guilt, more so because she was particularly vulnerable in those moments, being subjected to horrors she begged him to be able to forget.

He cleaned himself up with a sigh before heading to the shower for a more thorough cleanse, though it did nothing to wash away the unease settling in his stomach. Once dressed, he walked down to the common room with Ominis, spotting her leaning casually by the window and prompting his insides to squirm. She greeted them cheerily as they approached, running her fingers through her hair to sweep it out of her face, like some sort of temptress meant only to torture Sebastian. It was no secret that he found her attractive, except maybe to the woman herself, but not a living soul knew the depths of his depravity when it came to his lustful thoughts.

As she sat across the table from him at breakfast, he felt as if she could read his mind the way her eyes seemed to scrutinise everything he did, and he silently prayed to Merlin that she wasn't a secret legilimens.

"You okay, Seb?" she asked.

Sebastian smiled and nodded, heaping porridge into his bowl and shovelling it into his mouth to avoid speaking. He was far too distracted for small talk, and besides that, he could barely look at her these days without imagining his cock in her mouth.

"How did you sleep?" Ominis asked.

"Better," she smiled with a sigh of relief. "Maybe my nightmares have stopped."

Well, that wouldn't do.

Sebastian peered over his bowl and caught her watching him, her piercing eyes seeming to want to communicate something. Would she be disappointed, too? Would she lament the fact that she no longer had an excuse to sleep next to him?

"That’s good," Sebastian remarked whilst idly stirring more honey into his breakfast.

She hummed in assent, never taking her eyes off him.

-

Not three days later, her presumption was proven false—her nightmares were far from finished tormenting her. She slid into his bed once again, shaking slightly, whether from the cold, shock or fear he couldn't tell. He bundled her into his arms as soon as she hit the mattress, curling into a fetal position as he enveloped her back in a blanket of warmth and calm.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently.

"Yes, I'll be alright. It wasn't as bad as…"

She couldn't finish her sentence, instead lapsing into silence as Sebastian stroked her hair and the last of her sobs subsided. He knew the nightmares she had alluded to; he had them too, sometimes.

She drifted off to sleep quickly, leaving Sebastian once again in an internal struggle between giving into the temptation that roared behind his ribcage, a beast waiting to be sated, and the simple duty of respecting his dearest friend. He told himself that he was disgusting, depraved, a monster, but the words meant nothing as he gazed down at her sleeping form in the dim light, noticing the gentle swell of her breasts underneath her cotton chemise. Her nipple had slipped, tantalisingly close to being exposed by the smallest of shuffles. Once again, Sebastian rationalised his actions, downplaying their gravity—he simply wanted to hasten the inevitable.

Propped on his elbow as he leaned over her, he delicately peeled the fabric down, revealing her soft, pink nipple. Saliva pooled in the well of his mouth as his cock twitched against her perky cheeks, and Sebastian suppressed a groan that would surely wake her. Just a quick touch, then he'd stop. His thumb brushed her nipple, her body responding even in unconsciousness as it formed a stiff peak at his touch. Fuck, he wanted to take it into his mouth, swirl his tongue over that perfect little mound. The thought sent blood rushing away from his head—and whatever part of his brain that was responsible for his self restraint—and straight to his cock.

Sebastian slid a hand under the chemise to gently cup her breast, her flesh perfectly filling his palm. His dark eyes flickered shut as he felt the weight, brushed the silken skin and gently pinched her nipple. Perfect. He was impossibly aroused now, his cock swelling at an alarming rate in his pyjama trousers. The only relief lay in her warm body nestled against him, and the temptation was simply too strong. His eyes opened again to watch her face, for any indication that she was waking as he rolled his hips into her backside.

She was so fucking soft. Her perfect arse moulding around his erection like it was meant for him. Still she slept as he palmed her breast, growing bolder every second with a firmer grip and a harder push of his hips. He wanted to moan into her ear, tell her she was such a good girl, but of course he couldn't; his game was one of stealth and silence. He couldn't stop his heavy breath or involuntary hitches as he grinded gently against her, but it soon became apparent that this gentle caress wouldn't be enough to rid him of his painfully throbbing desire.

Sebastian shuffled back slightly, taking the arm trapped under his body and wrapping his hand around his length with a shudder, whilst his other stayed firmly glued to her breast. He massaged her in rhythm to the strokes he gave his cock, his orgasm building so quickly from just how fucking wrong this was. Still he pumped himself, smearing the slick that dribbled from the tip down his entire length, filling the canopy with wet slapping sounds that were far too loud—but he couldn't stop, he was so close. He looked down at her face once more, eyes fixed on those plump lips so ready for the taking, and she moaned. A gentle sound, almost a breath, as she shuffled on the mattress slightly, bringing her knee higher and face pressed into the pillow.

No, Sebastian couldn't stop the inevitable, not even if he'd tried, which he didn't. He shot his load all over her clothed back, fucking his hand furiously as cum spurted in thick ropes across her pretty cotton chemise. His head was spinning, barely able to breathe from the intensity of his release. It was fucking incredible. It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours as he gasped quietly through the pleasure, but eventually he was empty, oversensitive and completely spent. He slumped back on the pillow, looking down at the mess he'd made of his hand and the sheet beneath them, his post-orgasm clarity ruining the perfect moment.

Shit. He removed his hand gently from her breast, pulling the top up to cover her still stiff nipple and groped around outside of the curtain for his wand, trying not to move too much. After an agonising few seconds of patting his nightstand, he finally found it, casting a non-verbal cleaning charm to vanish the soaking mess. It wasn't quite perfect, but he daren't utter the incantation aloud. This was his bed, as such, the slightly crusted layer on his sheet wasn't too much of a problem, but the same couldn't be said of her pyjamas. As she started to stir and the light began filtering through the gap she'd made in the curtain, Sebastian hoped against all odds that she wouldn't notice his shame smeared across her back.

-

Sebastian watched her over breakfast for any indication that she knew what he'd done, but she was apparently none the wiser, her usual self. He thought she may have lingered a little longer on his eyes as she looked at him that morning, her face a tad more flushed than usual, but she said nothing. If she had known, she had decided to allow it, which made Sebastian all the more bolder.

Night after night, she told him her nightmares had returned, though he noted the absence of any tears after a while. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking, or a desperate need to justify his actions by telling himself that she wanted this, but he had almost convinced himself that it was true. He'd held back from doing what he really wanted, from truly claiming her whilst she slept, but his apprehension was melting away with every night she willingly found herself in his bed.

"Are you okay?" he asked once again as she lay curled up in his arms.

"Yeah. I'm better now."

Better with me.

She offered herself so willingly, such that the flickering flame of guilt was extinguished the moment her soft snores met his ears. Too beautiful to resist, and so responsive to his touch. His breath ghosted her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps prickling her flesh. Over her shoulder his gaze roamed and his fingers followed, the featherlight touch he employed barely registering to her nerves.

Sebastian’s ear was pricked for any variation in her breathing as he delved under her top, this time a less attractive buttoned shirt; but no matter, it was what lay underneath that counted. His hands provided and her body responded just as he’d hoped. This, he was used to now. This, was safe. He could caress her breasts and barely satisfy himself with his hand, but the allure of what lay next to his throbbing length was what kept him awake even on the nights he spent alone.

He dared to go further even as the bile rose in his throat, planting a kiss on her neck whilst his eyes stayed fixed on her peacefully resting visage. Illuminated by the strip of moonlight cascading through the gently rippling waters, she looked almost ethereal. There could be no snarky comments or irritating little habits; in stillness and silence she was captivating, absolutely perfect.

Another kiss, and another, until his brain was no longer capable of rational thought amongst the onslaught of hormones, and he licked the skin at the crook of her neck. Not a tentative dab with the tip of his tongue but a thick, wet stripe. She tasted of the tang of her perfume and partially of the sweat brought on by her night terrors; so enticingly forbidden. There was no stopping now—he was bordering on crazed, his mind addled with lust and a reckless disregard for any consequences.

His hand slid down her clothed back as he ignored his straining erection; there would be time for that soon. With gentle tugs, he worked on shimmying her pyjama trousers down, the soft skin of her cheeks that brushed his knuckles sending his head spinning. Faster he moved until she was exposed to him, and he took a moment to drink in the soft curves before cupping her behind with both hands.

What he wouldn’t give to dig his fingertips into her flesh, to leave bruises and indents along her hips. His fingers flexed involuntarily at the thought, barely pulling himself back before he acted on the impulse. He needed to be gentle, just like the steady breaths she continued to exhale. His hand glided down, slipping between her thighs where he was greeted by her slick entrance.

Sebastian could have spilled just then, messing his pyjamas from simply feeling her arousal. He took a deep breath as his middle finger gently stroked his prize before slowly pressing inside her. She had no reaction, none whatsoever—both reassuring and deeply disappointing. He was up to his knuckle, teasing her open with strokes of his finger. In the near-silence every squelch was audible, and deliciously obscene.

"So fucking wet for me," he whispered, barely audibly.

She shuddered, and Sebastian flinched and stilled his hand as his heart almost leapt out of his chest. That had been a sudden reaction to his words, not his slow and steady movements. He waited, but her eyes stayed shut and breath remained steady as she appeared to sleep on. Resuming his rhythm, he had the sneaking suspicion that she was at least partially lucid. She was letting this happen.

He slipped another finger inside her, growing steadily more reckless as he felt himself lose control over his desire. The minutes spent preparing her felt like an eternity, but once he was finally satisfied she could handle him, Sebastian was barely holding it together. As his hand wrapped around his cock to guide his way, a tiny moan fell from his lips before he could stop himself. Still she didn't stir, an invitation to continue.

He pressed his head against her dripping entrance and pushed, stopping as just the tip was enveloped in her warmth. So fucking perfect. All Sebastian could think of was filling her up completely, letting her drip his seed onto the sheets as she slept on, completely oblivious. The thought was almost enough to end him, and he willed himself to move, screwing his eyes shut in some pathetic attempt to delay his release.

He was doomed as soon as she began to stir at the first thrust. He moved slowly, gently, but he hit her deep, and those soft, rhythmic breaths became quicker and uneven. And then she moaned. Not a breathy sigh but an exclamation of pleasure that his roommates would no doubt have heard. He wished then that he could delve into her thoughts, to see what her unconscious mind had conjured in response to his intrusion. He was sure that he would see himself, pleasuring her as he did now.

"I'm so fucking close, please let me come," Sebastian whispered in her ear.

He didn't expect a response, at least not a lucid one—even if she'd given him one, he was too far gone to have processed it. The flutter of her walls around his cock was almost too much, and a confirmation that she was enjoying this just as much as he was. Every heavy breath against her neck and every shunt across the mattress brought her further out of her deep sleep. At that point, Sebastian cared very little about what might happen if she did wake, clinging to the belief that she would welcome his advances with open arms.

"Oh…wha-…?"

A confused and hoarse whisper escaped her throat, her eyes still glued shut.

Fuck.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Please say no.

"Don't…don't stop…"

Sebastian willed himself to last just a little longer, not merely seeking his own gratification but determined to have her fall apart by his touch.

"Come on, beautiful…," he encouraged with the smallest whispers.

She was so tight, her muscles gripping his cock as her abdomen clenched under his palm before she reached her climax. She writhed against him with heavy breaths and involuntary moans, the pulsing around his length enough to tip him over the edge with her. Sebastian groaned as he stilled, allowing the grip of her slick cunt to tease every drop of cum from him. The light was too dim to see clearly, but his finger found where they joined and his vision faded to black at the utter euphoria of the feel of his seed dripping from her.

Once the ringing in his ears subsided and he propped himself up on his elbow, he'd half expected her to greet him with a dozy smile, but her eyes were screwed tightly shut. Her body still twitched against him, but her breath was slowing once again, her limbs limp against the mattress. She was still asleep, and whatever words she'd uttered had been a product of her unconcious mind.

Shame washed over him once more, tempered by the knowledge that she'd been dreaming of him. He'd told himself this was the last time, now he'd been satisfied, though she looked even more angelic now that he'd had his way with her—she had a slight sheen of sweat across her deeply blushing skin that glistened tantalisingly in the light from the celestial bodies. Reining in the desire to taste her again, he let her rest, performing his cleanup ritual in silence. His spells were much more effective now, though he hesitated when he pointed his wand at the pool of cum dripping from her violated cunt. He rubbed his fingers into the damp fabric, carving the memory into his brain before it vanished.

Sebastian slept soundly that night, holding her tightly as he waited eagerly for morning.

-

She looked positively elated, if slightly abashed, and Sebastian knew why. She must remember the dream, the mind-blowing orgasm he'd given her—he could practically feel the heat coming off of her.

"What's got you smiling this morning?" Sebastian asked over the breakfast table.

"I had a strange dream, that's all," she said, barely suppressing a smirk as a blush crossed her cheeks.

"Oh? What about?"

She lowered her voice to barely a whisper, casting furtive glances around the table for anyone listening in.

"It was quite scandalous..."

Sebastian looked up at her from his dipped head with a knowing smirk, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

"Yeah? And who, pray tell, did this dream involve?"

"Garreth Weasley," she giggled.

The colour drained from Sebastian's face and a burning rage coursed through his veins. His mouth formed a hard line as he looked back down at the table and hoped she hadn't noticed his reaction. Oh, last night wouldn't be the last time, not by a fucking long shot—Sebastian's pride wouldn't allow it. He would have her dreams reflecting reality, until she moaned his name in her slumber.

[velarisnightsky444]

Scorched Shadows: Part 9

Eris x AzrielsSister!Reader

Summary: Y/N is the younger sister of Azriel. She has shadows just like him, and is also a spymaster for Rhys. When she meets Eris, she initially hates him, but after a bargain is made between them, things begin heating up.

cw: mentions of amarantha's abuse and sa of rhys, mentions of traumatic childhood, angst, mentinos of wing clipping, smut

a/n: im going to start keeping track of the years, just know this is x years since the series started, not since they've been under the mountain

Series Masterlist

Part 8 || Part 10

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Year 14

It was your tenth Starfall under this mountain.

It killed you that you couldn't be above ground, watching in the Night Court.

And since Amarantha loved to torment Rhys on this specific day, you weren't even able to spend the time with him. It churned your gut knowing what she was doing to him at this precise moment, her cruel way of ruining his favorite day of the year.

Being trapped Under the Mountain here only reminded you of the cell you'd spent the first six years of your life in. And in the hour you were let out of the cell, you were rarely allowed to go outside. In the rare occasions you were allowed sunlight, it was always late afternoon.

Six years without seeing a sunrise, a sunset, the stars, or the moon. You never thought you'd have to go so long without the sky again. But here, in this mountain, you'd gone even longer.

You remembered the first time you'd seen the stars. You were six years old, and Rhys's mother, Selene, had just rescued you from your father's keep. Azriel had been staying with them for a week at that point, but Selene had come for you when she learned the conditions you were being kept in.

You didn't talk, had never spoken a word in your entire life, and wouldn't for another five years. But Selene was doing everything she could to get you to open up.

After a few hours of trying to get you to let her hold you, she took your scarred hand, cooing comforts when you flinched. She led you outside, and told you to look at the sky.

When you saw the Night Court sky, filled with the most beautiful stars, your tears stopped. You gasped, eyes wide as you took in the view. And you had finally let her pick you up, as you stared in wonder.

"I am going to take care of you, sweet girl," she had said to you. "You will never suffer again."

And you still held those words close to your heart. Even long after she had died. And you hadn't suffered since; at least, not as horrifically as you had as a child.

Your first Starfall had been special. While it could be seen from all of the Night Court, Selene insisted that the best view was in Velaris. It was your first time visiting the City of Starlight.

She had sat you in her lap, the two of you sitting on the balcony of the House of Wind. Your brothers ran around under the stars, laughing and playing. But you just watched the stars shoot through the sky, feeling safe in Selene's arms.

You sniffled, wiping tears from your eyes as you stared at your bedroom ceiling, reminiscing on better Starfalls. You couldn't even bring yourself to go to the revel tonight.

The door opened abruptly, and you flinched, sniffling as you wiped your eyes.

You met Eris's harsh gaze, but before you could think, he had slammed the door behind him and was on top of you.

You decided to allow the distraction, not wanting to think about your family any longer.

Something was bothering him. You knew by the way he entered, not bothering with a greeting. You knew from the slight furrow of his brow, the unusual messiness of his red locks, and the fire in his eyes. You hated that you'd learned to read him so well.

Eris pinned your wrists above your head with one hand, his other creeping under your skirt. He hummed in approval when he noticed that you were bare beneath it.

"No underthings? Were you waiting for me?" he murmured into your ear.

"No, I was expecting another male," you uttered from beneath him, wanting only to rile him up. "Dawn Court. Quite handsome."

Your words worked, a growl leaving his lips as he wrapped his free hand around your throat. You gasped, mouth opening slightly as he squeezed.

"I don't know if you think you're being brave by provoking me, but all I see is a dumb fucking whore, trying to get herself punished," he snapped.

You gasped for air as he let go of your neck, your head light in a way that made you feel euphoric.

Eris was rough from the start, fucking you so brutally. You could tell he was upset about something, and he was taking his frustration out on you.

You found that you didn't mind. Eris was an arrogant prick. But despite his appetite for cruelty, you knew that if you ever told him to stop or be less rough, he would listen. He wouldn't hurt you. In the past decade, you had learned that.

Not that you had grown to trust him, or care for him. But still, knowing you were safe with him was a small comfort.

You tried to control the cries leaving your lips as he fucked you, but he was drilling into you so hard, you couldn't. You cried out from under him, his cock hitting the deepest parts of you.

"Eris," you whined, trying to rip your wrists from his grip so you could touch him. But he held tight, snarling at your attempt.

Eris only went harder, deeper, if possible. And as you become a mewling mess of sobs under him, his stress seemed to disappear.

"If you want to cum, you better start begging," he warned you.

"Please, Eris, please," you begged, used to the degrading act that he made you perform every time. You hated to admit that you loved it.

"You want to cum?" he taunted you.

"Yes, Eris, please let me," you sobbed, still fighting against his strong grip.

"Then go ahead," he granted.

You came together, just as you always did. You assumed your bodies were so in tune due to the mating bond. The mating bond that you tried to ignore. But it was hard when you were spending so much time with him. Fucking him. It made that bond in your chest sing. And you hated that. You hated him.

When the pleasure was done, he sat up, pulling his trousers back up. You pushed your skirt back down, and sighed as you suddenly remembered what you were trying to forget.

Your family. The family you were betraying by sleeping with the cruel male in front of you.

And at the thought, you burst into tears.

Eris froze in the doorway, turning so slowly to face you. You couldn't read the expression on his face, but you were sure it was judgement. He'd likely never cried a day in his life.

"Are you . . . " he trailed off, scoffing at himself as if he couldn't believe what he was about to say. "Are you alright?"

"What's it to you?" you sniffled, trying to wipe the pathetic tears from your eyes.

"I just fucked you, and now you're crying," he pointed out, striding back over to the bed. "I'd like to know if I caused this."

"No," you denied, shaking your head. "I just . . . I miss my family. That's all."

"Lovely to know you're thinking about your family after sex," he taunted. You groaned at him, pulling your knees to your chest.

"I was thinking about them before you came in," you admitted, hiding your face in your knees. "It's Starfall tonight. A wonderful holiday back in Night. And it makes me think of them."

You weren't sure why you were opening up to him. You realized you had no one else to open up to. You truly were desperate for companionship.

"Do you fly?" he asked quietly. You glanced up, meeting his amber gaze.

"What?"

"Your wings," he said, gesturing to them. "Do you fly?"

"Yes," you said, nodding. "I love to fly."

"Being stuck down here, unable to fly," he mused, glancing around the desolate room. "That must be miserable."

"It is," you admitted with a shrug. "But nothing compared to what my fellow Illyrian females have had to endure."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Illyrian females get their wings clipped when they come of age," you explained to him. "I was very lucky. Rhys's mother took me in at a young age, and she protected me. She saved my wings. But I've always felt guilty for it. And I won't fly if I'm in Illyria. It feels cruel. As if I'm rubbing it in the faces of the clipped females."

"And Rhysand allows this?" he bristled. You felt a surge of anger at him for assuming the worst of your brother.

"No," you denied. "He outlawed it as soon as he became High Lord, but it still happens. Though, not as often. But with him being down here for so long, I can only imagine it will pick up again."

"You lesser fae can be barbaric," he scoffed.

"Us?" you demanded, sneering at him. "You High Fae are worst of all. You're the ones who kept humans as slaves, kept us lesser fae as servants."

"I never kept any slaves," he scoffed. "Even before the war."

"So you speak for all High Fae?" you snapped. "You are still a cruel bastard, slave keeper or not."

"Is that why you let me fuck you?" he demanded, seeming irked by your words.

"I don't know why I allow it," you confessed, scoffing. "It's desperation from being so lonely down here. And it's the mating bond, betraying me."

"What terrible fate to be mated to such a cruel bastard," he sneered.

"It is a cruel fate!" you snipped, glaring at him. "What luck that I am mated to the male who left my cousin bleeding out in the forest, left her to die!"

He was on his feet in an instant, a snarl ripped from his throat.

"We are done with this conversation," he declared as he reached the door.

"Good."

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Scorched Shadows Taglist: @the-sweet-psycho @hnyclover @lilyevansstudygroup @esposadomd@fxckmiup@lilah-asteria@a-court-of-mischief-and-madness@sourapplex @when-you-cant-think-of-anything @i-know-i-can @mp-littlebit @paintedbyshadows @kristijenner19 @kitsunetori

Eris Taglist:

Comment to be added to the Scorched Shadows or Eris taglists!

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[iron-embers]

Spirits are the souls of loved ones that have left the living world, some pass on to the threshold of reincarnation, some haunt the living with their past regrets and unfinished business. But some…linger. While they hold no malice to cause suffering onto the living, some spirits feel they are not yet ready to leave. Not when they worry for the well-being of those they left in the land of the living. Despite the circumstances of her passing, while not having any problems left behind, Ruka worried for her young sons she could not have the opportunity to raise herself. Worried that the neglect her husband inadvertently caused would make their sons suffer, she lingered. Hoping to watch over them in her own way, she is drawn to the sound of silence and warm light coming from the open door. Quiet snores came from their bedroom, and watching another care for them while bittersweet, gave a sense of relief to her soul seeing their peaceful faces lost in the world of dreams. Just as the woman with eyes like honey hummed with content as she fixed the blankets, so did Ruka watch on with a knowing smile, her ruby eyes glittering with a comforting gaze. Her sons were alright, they were not alone…..but did her husband feel the same?

Looking over her shoulder, she was met with shadows, and through the dim light could see a hunched form. Too lost in his own thoughts, tormenting himself with those doubts that clouded both his mind and his features. She remembered he used to look softer, more confident with his kindness……and yet his once warm bright face…..now ridden with inexplicable exhaustion. Seeing her husband cause himself such pain, refusing to sleep and instead holding onto that bottle as if it could bring him any comfort. From where the spirit stood she could sense his unease even with his back turned away. He didn’t seem to want to acknowledge the open doors behind him, as if seeing the sons she left to him could not ease his broken heart…..it brought a deep sorrow to the spirit to see him like this. As much as she wanted to comfort him, to urge him to look at their sons, she knew the world of spirit had no foothold in influencing the living like that. No….all she could do was watch him wallow in grief, and yet even then she hoped. Wishing he could see that even with her absence, he was not alone and was loved. Praying that he would be able to get himself out of the hole he was digging for himself. Hoping he would one day turn around and look into the light without shame or fear, that he wouldn’t be afraid of being there for his sons…..Before it was too late.

Back on a wonderful Saturday to bring in the angst train😂🤣😭. I feel Ruka had always been there in some capacity, brought on with the worry of the family she left behind. Seeing her sons thriving and peaceful is a relief…but seeing the sadness Shinjuro is still going through brings a pain to her. Ruka would have given anything to be back with them, but she has accepted that it cannot be, and that moving on is part of living and creating a good future. Concerned that Shinjuro is blinded by his own sadness to see that his sons still need him, more then ever now that she can’t be there…all she can do is hope that he will realize it before he will regret not being there when it matters most. Hatomi may not see her, but I’m certain Ruka would be happy that she chose to be there for them. Ruka as the mother of the two blessings she left behind, appreciates that her sons are being looked after by another mother that made the conscious decision to protect them. Hope ya like and feel free to ask questions if you wanna know more!

[anacdoce]

I Wish Chapter 6 - Bound by blood

Pairing: Astarion x you (f!reader, implied sorcerer)

Rating: T

Word count: 5.4k

Warnings: angst; hurt/comfort; some fluff

Summary: "After some time, Gale approaches slowly, his feet dragging on the floor. He kneels at Astarion’s side, lowering his head with his eyes closed, grieving. He lies his hand on yours, gently holding it, his touch reverent.

They remain like that for a while, side by side, mourning the loss of someone they both deeply cared for. That's when Gale senses something. Your ring is emanating some kind of vibration. He opens his eyes and he grabs your ring, on your finger, to confirm it. “Her ring is vibrating… How strange...”"

a/n: Here it is! The final chapter of this series! I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

@bloodlessdarling thank you! Your screenshots are perfect and I hope to use them again in the future <3 thank you, thank you, thank you!!

(some more notes at the end of the chapter)

Read on ao3

Previous chapter

Astarion holds you close, his body trembling with the force of his sobs. His grip is desperate, as if he fears letting you go will make this moment real. He rocks back and forth with you, crying and screaming, calling for you, calling your name.

Only once had he been like this, but at that time you were by his side, ready to give him your hand if he needed it. 

Not anymore.

He’s broken, shattered. No words can describe his feelings at this moment. His whole world has crumbled. 

His savior, his friend, his love.

All is lost. 

Forever. 

No more will he hear you laughing, that precious sound he loves so much. No more will he feel your soft touch on his skin. 

Nothing, no more.

I secretly fantasized you would succeed and survive this. That we would celebrate together, you preparing my first meal after so many years without being able to taste anything but blood. You, sharing with me your favorite meal ever, while we watched the sunset…  Now I will have to do it alone. I will have to rediscover how to live a mortal life again, without you, my darling, by my side. You were everything, and now I have nothing, again. 

“I don’t know how to do this without you, my love…” He mutters in your ear, crying in despair.

Meanwhile, Gale waits. He longs to be near you one last time, but his suffering is nothing compared to what Astarion is going through, so he waits, giving Astarion some space alone with your fallen body. He waits, crying in silence and feeling the guilt consuming him. It was him who brought the ruin for you two. How could he? This is all his fault. Astarion would never forgive him, neither should he. Hells, he would never forgive himself.

After some time, Gale approaches slowly, his feet dragging on the floor. He kneels at Astarion’s side, lowering his head with his eyes closed, grieving. He lies his hand on yours, gently holding it, his touch reverent.

They remain like that for a while, side by side, mourning the loss of someone they both deeply cared for. That's when Gale senses something. Your ring is emanating some kind of vibration. He opens his eyes and he grabs your ring, on your finger, to confirm it. “Her ring is vibrating… How strange...”

Astarion, lost in his sorrow, has completely forgotten about his ring. But he can still feel it too. “Mine is doing the same.” He manages to say between sobs. 

Gale looks at him intrigued. Then, a thought rushes through his mind, and he holds your wrist, leaning two fingers in the inside of it, making some pressure. Almost instantly he widens his eyes in surprise.

He starts moving frantically, trying to take you from Astarion’s lap, urgently. 

“What are you doing?! Leave her alone!” Astarion shouts, his voice high-pitched.

“Please, humor me, will you? Lay her on the floor, please.” Gale pleads, his hands moving with impatience. 

“No! You should leave! I don’t want you anywhere near me! I don’t need you anymore!”

“Astarion, you will do as I say. Lay her on the floor. It’s a matter of life or death. Afterwards, if you still want it, I’ll leave. I promise.” 

Astarion glares at him with hatred, but if this is the way to get rid of him, so be it. He gives you a tender kiss on your forehead and lays your body on the floor, ever so gently. 

His hands haven’t freed you yet when Gale leaps to you, leaning his head against your chest. “All right, that’s enough… I don’t even know why I listen to you.” Astarion tries to shove Gale away from you, but he points him a finger to make him wait.

“Shhh! Shut your mouth for a second! Let me listen.” He instructs, closing his eyes to concentrate on what he may possibly be doing.

Astarion forces his lips to stay shut, but he’s growing impatient. Gale has no right to take you from him. 

Suddenly, Gale starts laughing, his ear still glued on your chest.

“Gale… I will kill you with my bare hands if you don’t leave her alone right now! Why are you laughing? There is nothing here to laugh at, you madman!” Now Astarion is angry and he wants to throw his hands so badly in Gale’s neck.

“But there is! Her heart, Astarion… It’s beating! She’s alive!” He shouts, still laughing.

Astarion is speechless for a moment. His mouth hangs open, and a faint glimpse of hope appears in his eyes. “But… but how? I can’t hear it…”

Gale straightens up and gives Astarion an understanding smile. “Astarion, you are not a vampire anymore. You can’t hear it unless you lean your ear into her chest.” And he points his hand to you, inviting him to do just that.

After hesitating for a bit, Astarion lowers his head to your chest and listens. And then he hears it, that soft rhythm he’s so used to. The perfect music that so many times accompanied him in his rest. “She’s not dead…” He says still in shock.

“She is not.” Gale confirms it.

“She lives…” Astarion lifts himself from over you and stays at your side, staring at you in amazement. 

“She does. And I think I know what is keeping her alive.”   

“You know?!” 

Gale holds your hand once again, directing Astarion’s attention to your ring. “Her ring. Your ring. I can feel some kind of magic around it. Around her.”

Astarion frowns, he looks puzzled. How is it possible? Yes, he knows that rings can have magical powers. He has some. And you too. But nothing like this. Nothing so powerful like this. 

Then he remembers. Astarion remembers what the forger said about the blood. It could grant the rings some kind of magic. Could it be? Your blood? His? “May the blood be responsible for it?”

“Yes! That's my theory. Well, of course I’ll have to study this deeper, but I think it's your blood that’s protecting her. Some kind of ward, like…”

But Astarion's mind is already far away. His blood? Protecting you? Is it possible? You are alive because of him? Because you have his blood with you, and he has yours. 

The blood had brought you together. The first moment of intimacy between you. And now, the blood is holding your life, keeping you in this world, keeping you together, again. 

You will always be bound by it. 

You granted him his life back. And he is keeping yours. He saved you.

He leans to you again, caressing your face. Your soft, velvety skin. You didn’t leave him. You're still here. 

Nothing is lost.

“We have to take her out of here.” He says, determined. 

“Yes. She needs healing. I’ll try to keep her stable until we reach Waterdeep. I think I can conjure a portal to my tower, but we need to get out of this fog first. Shadowheart will be waiting for us there. I’ve just sent her a sending spell.”

“Waterdeep it is then.”

Astarion removes his cloak off his shoulders, and gently he lifts your unconscious body, wrapping the cloak around you. Afterwards, he holds you again more firmly in his arms. He positions your head to rest on his chest, and walks out of the ruin, carrying you.

“Don’t you want help to carry her?” Gale asks.

“No. I will carry her to Waterdeep. I would carry her to the end of the world if needed. After all she’s done for me, this is nothing.” 

And they walk through the fog with Waterdeep as their destination.  

—

Your head is dizzy. You can’t think straight. Your body is sore and your left cheek is stinging and itching. As you try to move an acute pain invades your belly and you stop breathing for a moment trying to get a relief from the sensation. When it calms down you make an effort to open your eyes, but everything around you is blurry. Blinking your eyes repeatedly, you perceive that you’re in a room. But not yours, you’re sure of it. You have a sensation of safety, but it’s clear that you don’t know where you are. 

Harder as you try, you can’t remember what happened to you, why are you here, whatever here may be, and why you feel so godsdamn weak!

A familiar weight presses against your thigh. You lean your head slowly to the side and look down to your legs just to find a silver haired man lying there, with his arms crossed beneath his head and his face turned away from you, sitting on a chair next to your bed. Astarion. 

His hair seems more disheveled than usual, and his back is moving, rising and falling, like he’s breathing. The sight of him soothes you, he’s here, and you can ask him what happened.

He looks so peaceful, resting close to you, warmed by a sunbeam on his back, a gift from an open window behind him.

Suddenly, your faint smile turns into a scared grimace and you try to speak, but the words won't come out. The sun Astarion! The sun! Please get out of here! Please! You have to warn him, or he’ll burn. You try to move, but your body doesn't want to obey your will. Only the pain seems to remain.

Panic is rising. You can feel it cruising through your veins. With a big effort you reach your arm, finally touching his hair, his soft curly hair. You move your fingers but Astarion doesn’t seem to notice it.

Desperately you start to whimper, the only sound that seems to escape from your mouth. He shifts his head, turning toward you, but his eyes are still closed. You take a deep breath and concentrate all of the remaining strength in your body to make it obey you. Then, without warning you move your leg where his head is resting, letting it fall to the mattress.

This movement has cost you a great deal of pain and you whimper once more, louder than before. But it was all worth it, because Astarion is rubbing his eyes, you interrupted his trance and you can finally warn him.

He looks at you, worried, and holds your hand, rubbing it with his thumb trying to give you some comfort. Your fingers buried deep in his flesh.

“Darling! You’re awake! Finally!” He smiles at you. A beautiful smile, but a strange one nonetheless. Something is missing…

But you keep restless and you try to speak again, “Ast… arion… Star…” You manage to mutter as you cry looking at him, frustrated.

“What is it, my dear? What do you need?” He leans closer to you.

He seems… strange? Different? But your eyes are still blurry, so you can’t quite understand what it is. And why isn’t he burning already? 

You look to the window, then back at him, moaning with pain. 

And he smiles again, an understanding tender smile. He cups your face with his hand, his warm hand in your skin. “Shhh shhh, Darling. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Now, you should rest. Your wounds are still healing. You have a lot to recover. I’ll be here. Waiting for you. I will always be here, my love.” He rests his forehead on yours while he hushes you a little longer. His hand, still holding yours.

Confused. 

You are so confused. Your head is a mess. You try to argue with him but there is no more strength left. Your mind is drifting away, your eyes are closing. All you can feel is his presence, like a cloud of affection is enveloping you. And you couldn’t feel more safe. So, you give in. You stop fighting. Your body needs it. 

And everything fades away, again.

—

You feel something or someone moving you. Something cold rubbing your flesh, in your belly. Opening your eyes you see Shadowheart, tending your wounds. You can see clearly now, and you can move more freely too. 

“Well, well, look who decided to join us once again?” Shadowheart greets you giving you a warm smile.

“Join you once again? What are you talking about? Ahh!” You wince, reacting to Shadowheart’s healing methods.

“Sorry, but this will hurt a little longer. You almost died, my friend. You drifted between life and death for too long. I’m glad I arrived just in time. If it weren’t for Astarion, you wouldn’t be here now…”

“For Astarion? What happened?”

“Can’t you remember anything? Your crazy adventure?”

You try to focus, reliving the last moments you can remember. Then someone knocks at the door, opening it next, and Gale peeks in. “Do you need my help, Shadowheart?”

“Yes, please. I need to move her. And you’ll be happy to see that our friend is awake.”

Gale steps into the room, rushing to your side, his eyes, anxious. “Oh! So good to see you awake!” He gives you a clumsy hug.

“Ahh! That hurts! Could you?... Sorry…”

“Forgive me! I couldn’t contain myself!” His eyes are now wet with emotion.

And suddenly you remember. You remember Gale telling you about a certain scroll. You remember Astarion avoiding that theme. And you remember spelling that wish, your wish, in that tomb.

Your heart, skipping in your chest.

“Did it work?! Tell me it worked! Where is Astarion?!” You shout, trying to lift from the bed.

“Easy now!” Shadowheart holds your shoulder, preventing your movement.

“All answers in due time. First, Astarion is fine, and he can tell you later if your ridiculous and irresponsible demand worked or not... He’s resting. We managed to make him leave from your side for the first time in three weeks. And you choose to wake precisely when he’s not here. He will be furious.” Gale chuckles at the thought.

“Three weeks? I’ve been out for three weeks?”

“Yes, my friend… you were in a terrible shape. Between life and death, remember?” Shadowheart leans you to the side with Gale’s help, and you hold his forearm to ease your pain.

“You gave us a lot to worry about. Worries enough for a lifetime if I might say.” Gale scolds you. 

“I'm sorry… I really am… I just wanted…” 

“We know. Don't need to be sorry. Now what you need is to recover. We’ll help however we can, the rest is up to you. So, no lifting from this bed until I say so.” Shadowheart interrupts you.

“Please, do as Shadowheart says. Whatever you need, you just have to ask. My tower is yours for as long as you need.” 

“So, we’re at Waterdeep?”

“Indeed we are.” Gale confirms it. “And tell us. How do you feel?” Gale asks.

“Sore. Tired. Weak. And I feel some numbness in the tip of my fingers. It's quite bothersome, really.” 

Gale looks sideways at Shadowheart, who momentarily stops what she's been doing. “And nothing else? Don't you feel like there's something missing?” He asks, carefully.  

“Hells yes something is missing! Astarion, for sure!” You answer impatiently. 

“Yes. No… I mean, do you feel something is missing in you?” 

You frown, puzzled. But as you're about to speak, you focus your attention on your fingers, brushing your thumb over them. Something was robbed from you. Something that was yours from birth. You try to cast light. That simple spell that you had cast hundreds of times before. But you can't. Somehow, you just can't. Your inherent magic is gone.

“How?” You ask, still not believing it.

“That’s what I thought.” Gale sighs. “We think that your wish consumed everything powerful in you. Your innate connection to the weave included. You paid the cost dearly, my friend. I can't tell you if this is permanent. This is all new to me too. But you do well to consider it lost, I'm afraid.”

“Oh…” All of your life you used your magic without even thinking. It was natural. It was yours. And now it’s gone. All for him. And you know you would do it again. All of it. “So… it worked. Didn’t it?”

“It’s time to tell Astarion you’re awake. He will kill me if I don’t warn him. Excuse me for a moment.” Gale leaves you alone with Shadowheart again.

Anxiety courses through you. How is he? Is he angry with you? Will he forgive you? He must have been through a lot of pain too… seeing you like that, tied to a bed, not knowing if you were ever going to wake up again. 

“Let’s see your ear now.” Shadowheart interrupts your thoughts, moving your head to the right side. “He's destroyed, you know?” She says, cleaning your skin near your earlobe.

You breathe deeply, feeling the weight of her words. 

All my fault. 

After a while, she continues, “I never thought I would see him like this… his hair unkempt, wrinkled clothes, not in a mood for sarcastic jokes… There were days he wouldn’t leave your side for nothing, and we wouldn’t hear a word from him. But there were others where it seemed the world was ending, and it was everybody's fault. On those days, no one could touch you but him. He tended to your wounds more times than I would like, but it was that or it was nothing. So, I taught him what to do. And I have to say I was impressed, really. 

What I mean is, back then, at your wedding, I doubted him. But I doubt him no more. He loves you deeply, my friend. His suffering was heartbreaking. And I hope to never see him like that again. I cried for you and for him, at your bedside, next to him, because everyday he asked me the same question, and everyday I didn’t have an answer to give him.”

“What was it?” You ask, your throat tightening. 

“If you would ever wake up again… You see, your wounds were severe, infected with necro magic from the blades of those skeletons. And you lost a lot of blood as well. You drifted for some days before reaching Waterdeep, just with Gale’s simple healing spells to help you. It was something, but it wasn’t enough. When you arrived, I was already waiting, and I did the best I could, but the effects of the necro magic were already deep in you, and the wounds seemed unresponsive to the treatment. Not to mention the spell you casted… it stripped everything from you. There were things I couldn't predict or knew how to deal with. And the only thing we could do was to wait. Because you were fighting, and we had to trust that you would make it. When Astarion ran to me last week, begging to check on you because you had awakened, we knew that we were on the right path.”

“I had already been awake? I don’t remember…” You mutter.

“Yes, it was quite an episode. You were a mess, full of open wounds, and your only concern was telling Astarion that he was exposed to sunlight.” She finishes her work on you and sits at the edge of the bed, at your side. “Since that day, Astarion has been more reassured. He started to eat properly…”

“Wait. So, Astarion was exposed to the sunlight and didn’t burn?” Your eyes widen.

“No, he didn’t.”

“And he eats properly now?” You ask slowly.

“He does. He’s quite fond of mushrooms, it seems. Always asking for them.” She gazes at you smiling, a big tender and compassionate smile. 

You reach for her hand, your eyes pouring tears. “Thank you. For everything.”

“There is nothing to be thankful for. We did nothing that you wouldn’t do for us.”

You hear a loud noise outside, some rushing steps approaching. The door of your room stands open, and Astarion is there, perplexed, looking at you. He freezes for a moment, his hands shaking.

“Well, I think it’s time for me to leave. If you need me, shout my name.” Shadowheart leaves your side, gently pushing Astarion into the room as she passes by him. She closes the door, leaving you alone with him.

“Hello handsome.” You manage to speak. Your heart seems to want to jump out of your chest. He’s there, your beautiful, not-so-pale anymore elf. Your husband. Your love.

He runs to you, leaping onto the bed, holding you in his arms. He brushes his face against your neck, smelling you. Every drop of your scent is his, and he wants to collect what is his. One of his hands supports your back and the other cradles your head, pressing it against him. He holds you like he never did before, and you hold him like you know you will do for the rest of your life. Because he deserves everything you did for him. He deserves to be loved.

Suddenly, he pulls back, leaning you against the bed. Holding your shoulders, he looks at you and his expression changes. Astarion is serious now. “What in the sweet hells were you thinking?!” His voice high-pitched.

“Astarion, I’m sorry. I didn’t want…”

But he doesn’t want to know anymore. He cups your face with his hands, and you see his eyes, his beautiful eyes, looking into yours intensely. Then he gifts you with a trail of clumsy kisses throughout your face. Your heart swells with emotion. He has forgiven you. 

Your face is a mess of tears, yours and his. But he doesn’t seem to care. Astarion is committed to giving you every single kiss that he couldn’t give in the last few weeks. And you are grateful for it. You need it. 

Still cupping your face, Astarion pauses at your lips. He touches them with his tongue, softly, making you shiver. You hold onto his forearms, pressing him to you. And he takes his time, savoring you once again, after so long. When his tongue finally meets yours, nothing else matters. Not the pain in your body, not the magic that you lost. Nothing. Just him matters. 

Astarion rests his nose on yours, his eyes closed. His warm skin against yours. “Please, don’t you ever do anything like this again. Ever.” His voice filled with emotion, trembling.

“I won’t. I promise.” 

You stayed like that for a while, holding each other. After some time you shift to take a proper look at his face. “Let me see you.” His skin, touched by the color of the blood running through his veins, his fangs are missing, and his eyes… oh his eyes are of the most beautiful color you could ever have imagined. He’s different but he’s the same. Your star. “How is it? How does it feel to be reborn again?” 

“Well, if you ignore the fact that you nearly broke my newborn heart…” 

“I know… It was stupid. I never should have gone there alone. But I didn’t want you to stop me. You made it clear you’d never agree with this.”

“It was very stupid, Darling. Very stupid!” He taps his hand on your temple. “But you’re right. I was stupid too. And for that I’m sorry. I’ve learned my lesson. From now on, I will hear you out to the end. And you will hear me too, hey?”

“That’s a deal.”

“But answering your question, it feels… nice. It was strange at first, I was always aware of my breathing, like I had to think how to breathe. The food has been quite a discovery, actually. I didn’t remember the taste of anything, but I remembered the smells, when you were preparing your meals. And some things don’t quite taste like they smell… Hurgh.”

You giggle. It’s quite a sight, imagining him disgusted for certain foods. “But I hear you like mushrooms very much.”

“Oh yes! My favorite so far. But… I haven’t been able to taste almost anything to be honest. My only concern was you, my sweet.”

“It seems I’ve robbed you the opportunity to properly savor my gift to you…” You murmur with sadness.

“Don’t you worry about that. I have a lifetime to savor it. And more importantly, with you by my side, my love. 

“I just wish I could have been…”

“No, no! No more wishes for you, Darling!” He chuckles, landing a finger on your lips.

You laugh, but with it comes the pain from your belly wound. “Ah!”

“You’re still in bad shape. How are you feeling? Can I do something for you?”

“No, I’m fine. I’ll manage. Nothing I can’t overcome when I look at you. When I remember why I did it.”

“Gale said you might have lost your magic, my dear.” He says, anguish in his voice.

You look at the palms of your hands, feeling that stubborn numbness in the tip of your fingers. “Yes, I did.”

“All because of me…” Astarion lowers his head, feeling guilty.

“And I would do it again!” You lift his chin, making him look at you. “Astarion, I was willing to give my life for you. This is nothing. You hear me? Nothing. I have no regrets nor will I ever have.”

“Well, I guess both of us have much to adapt to in our renewed life together.” 

“I guess we do.” Your smile, full with affection. 

Astarion holds your hand, his gaze never leaving yours. 

Suddenly, you remember something you need. Something you want so badly. “Is there any mirror around?”

Astarion smiles at you. He knows what you want. He reaches for a hand mirror standing in the nightstand, besides the bed, and gives it to you. You make an effort to sit on the bed, pulling Astarion closer to you. You lift the mirror in front of you, and like a dream that comes true, he is there, his reflection by your side, leaning his face against yours. “Now you can see how beautiful you are.”

“Darling, I never doubted that.” He smirks.

“Obviously not!” You chuckle. “This is so precious, Love… I can’t believe it…” You say, arranging a strand of his curly hair to the side.

“Believe it, because it's real. And all thanks to you, my dear. Thank you, this was a very precious gift. I won’t forget it.”  He takes the mirror away and looks directly at you, his eyes full of affection. 

He had thanked you before in your life together. But not like this. This has reached deep into your bones, into your soul, and you feel blessed by his words. You have given him the greatest gift. You had that honor. He’s free from his curse and he can live his life however he wants. Your life’s mission is done. Now, you can rest. 

You lean back on the bed and you start crying. Tears dripping at your face uncontrollably. “I would have lived with you in the shadows forever. But you… you deserved so much more. I couldn’t… I just couldn’t… and now it’s done.” You sob, hiding your face with your hands.

Astarion holds your hands, moving them away from your face, and wipes your tears, gently. “I know, Darling. I know.”

You gaze at him tenderly, reaching your hand to his chest. “Can I?”

Astarion holds your hand again and leads it to his heart. He presses it against his skin, and you feel it. You feel that glorious beating inside. That beautiful drum full of life. His heart.

“My love, you can do anything.” He kisses you again and lies beside you, embracing you. And for the first time in weeks you feel at home, and you know he feels the same. 

—

Day by day, your wounds get better. And in no time Shadowheart allows you to step out of bed for the first time. The first days you stayed in Gale’s tower, but soon enough you were able to go outside. Astarion was always by your side, giving you his arm to support you at first, but later because he couldn’t stand to be away from you. 

One day, you decide to go to the docks to watch the sunset together. Passing through the market, you buy some candies to enjoy with Astarion. You are determined to spoil him forever.

You find a secluded place to sit and watch the boats roaming through the waters of Waterdeep while the sun disappears into the horizon. 

Astarion lies on the ground, with his head on your lap, completely addicted to the candies you bought, while you run your hand through his hair.  “I think chocolate is my favorite. Hum… it’s so good!” He licks the melted chocolate from his fingers.

“Next time I’ll buy you a box full of chocolates.”

“I’d like that!” He says between licking and sucking his fingers.

“Astarion?” 

“Yes, Love?”

“What happened after I made my wish?” 

Astarion sets the bag of candies on the floor beside him and leans his face upwards to look at you. “Our rings happened.”

“Our rings?”

“When we arrived in Waterdeep, I gave my ring to Gale for him to study. We suspected that they had some kind of protective magic, and Gale confirmed it. The magic present in your blood made the rings very special. You see, you can feel when my life is in danger. The ring warns you. But more importantly, your blood protects me and mine protects you, my sweet. When you fell on the ground of that ruin, you were supposed to be dead. But the ring warded you, and you survived. So, you are forbidden to take that ring off your finger. Do you understand?” He points you a finger of his own, frowning.

“Your blood saved me?” 

“My blood. Me, Astarion, saved you, Darling. Isn’t it ironic how blood surrounds and binds our lives together, even now that I’m not a vampire anymore?”

“Do you miss it? Being a vampire?” A faint of fear invades you.

“Well, I would be lying if I tell you that I don’t miss to taste your delicious blood, the glorious sensation I felt after drinking it. I will never forget it, my dear. I felt more powerful back then, and surely I will miss that too.”

“Oh…” You break eye contact with him. You shouldn’t have asked.

“Sweetie, look at me.” Astarion sits beside you, holding your chin. “Nothing will erase my past, and I have enough scars to remember it. Some memories are terrible, but others were my solace through the storms we faced. So yes, I will miss some things. But I don’t miss being a vampire. I don’t feel that insatiable hunger anymore. I can see the sun rising without fear of burning. And I can live knowing I won’t have to survive your departure from me, remembering forever how perfect my life was, only for a moment.”

You lean closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder, watching the pink sky painted by the setting sun. “What do you want to do when I can leave Waterdeep?”

“I’m glad you asked because I have some plans for us, Mrs. Ancunin.” 

“You do? Do you have a schedule now?” You tease him.

“Silly girl. I don’t, but I could have, actually. First we’ll head north to visit Neverwinter. I heard it’s the most cosmopolitan and civilized city in all of Faerun. I can’t wait to spread some chaos there. Can you imagine?”

“Astarion!” You hit him playfully in his ribs with your elbow.

“What? I’m no saint, Darling.”

“Alright. And after?”

“After, I want to see the glaciers.”

“Do you, now? I never thought you liked the cold so much.” You giggle.

“Well, I don’t. But Gale showed me some paintings of them, and I’m curious, all right?” He waves his hands in the air as he lowers his voice, just a little.

“Sure, Star. And what else?”

“Then we go to…”

You hear him telling you his plans for the next few months, while the sun sets and the moon takes its place in the sky. Your heart swells at his voice. His confidant voice, telling you his plans.

You hold his hand, intertwining your fingers with his, and he leads your hand to his chest. To his beating heart. You don’t see his face, but you know he’s smiling. And you smile too. A smile full of love and tenderness.

He keeps talking, and you listen. 

And you will listen. And you will follow. And you are his. Until the day your heart stops beating.

Fim

a/n: Thank you to everyone who joined me on this journey! I never thought I would be able to write something like this, and although it's not a masterpiece, I'm so proud of it 😭

See you soon! Maybe :)

Thank you so much for reading my story. Likes, reblogs and comments are very welcomed!

Lots of love 🖤

[misc-obeyme]

Solomon Alone

Okay I am having some health issues, but I've been feeling pretty good today. And since I have some energy, I'm also kind of on a roll with writing tonight. I don't think I've ever posted two things in one day, but hey I'm just gonna go with it.

It's another Solomon story because I'm obsessed with him. This is a pretty short one about how he might be feeling after Lesson 12. This is assuming he doesn't have ulterior motives or anything.

It's a bit different from my usual fluff... I would say this one is all angst, but listen I don't question my muse when that slacker finally shows up.

Solomon x GN!MC

Warnings: Hurt/angst and SPOILERS for Lesson 12 of Nightbringer

Solomon watched as you lost consciousness. He heard himself asking Thirteen what to do, heard her say she couldn't help. He heard the brothers crying out your name, hoping you would somehow wake up. He saw the look of anguish on Lucifer's face, even as he held the grimoire that you had handed over to him.

Through a fog, Solomon helped the demons bring you out of the reaper's cave. When they were prepared to bring you back to Cocytus Hall, he told them to take you to the House of Lamentation instead. He convinced them that you would be most comfortable in the spare room there.

And Solomon went back to Cocytus Hall alone. He walked through it in a daze, not at all registering the environment around him. His mind was fully occupied by the sight of you falling to the ground, struck by the magic of the fountain.

When Satan came to talk to him about researching curses, Solomon listened. He agreed to help Satan look through all of the books they could find on the subject. It was a welcome distraction. It slowly pulled him out of the fog that had clouded his mind. He spent hours and hours reading through those books. All day and all night, he tried to find the answer to what had happened to you.

Because now that he was thinking a little more clearly… wasn't all of this his fault?

Solomon was the one who brought you to Thirteen's cave, to the Fountain of Knowledge. If he hadn't done that, if you hadn't been there when you made that promise, then you would still be awake right now.

That guilt was something he couldn't afford to think about too much. He threw himself into the research to prevent it from crushing him entirely. Not now, not while you still needed him.

He could face the shame of what he had done when you were awake again. He knew he would have to. He wouldn't be able to look into your eyes or see your brilliant smile without also feeling the heaviness of knowing he had caused your suffering.

It was easier with you resting at the House of Lamentation. He must have known that subconsciously when he convinced the brothers to take you there. He knew each of them would be spending time by your side, taking care of you. It allowed him to stay away so he could focus on fixing the mess he'd made.

It was only one of the many reasons he had sent you with them, though. The fact was, there were seven of them and only one of him. He couldn't take care of you the way they could. He could try to give you everything he had, give you all of his love, all of his knowledge, every part of him. And still they would always be able to give you more.

Solomon was sure you'd have an opinion on his thoughts if you were here to express them. Even so he felt himself reverting back to being nothing more than your teacher. You were his adorable apprentice and he would always be proud of you. He would do all he could to make sure you knew the magic you needed to survive and thrive in the Devildom and the human world.

He would teach you all he could no matter what, but he knew he couldn't hold onto you forever.

Solomon sat alone in his room at Cocytus Hall. A room you had poked your head into to ask him about this or that. A place where you sometimes looked for him to talk to him about your day or ask him questions about things that were on your mind.

It seemed like anywhere he went in the hall, there you were. The ghostly memory of you, standing in the kitchen making breakfast or sitting in an overstuffed chair in the library, reading. He saw you everywhere and the reality of your absence pulsed through his bones, settling into a dull ache. He was so good at ignoring this pain while he worked, it was days before he admitted to himself just how much he missed you.

And while working and researching was the only thing that was keeping him from falling into that pain, there was a little voice of doubt in the back of his mind. He couldn't help having the suspicion that your curse would break without him. That it didn't matter how much time he spent going through piles of books, that in the end it would be your tie to the brothers that would wake you up.

That once again, he would only be able to stand by and watch as magic beyond his control altered you and your life.

More than anything, Solomon was afraid that he couldn't save you.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[rj-anderson]

It's quite a thing to adjust to being back on eldercare duty 9-12 hours a day, every day [1], which is pretty close to how my life was five years ago right before my dad's needs became so overwhelming that we had to transfer him to a nursing home. [2]

Except my dad's weaknesses were mostly physical — mentally he was quite sharp for a nearly 95-year-old — and back then my mom was well enough to keep him company, do the cleaning and laundry, and make meals for him so I could focus on managing his home care (and all the phone calls and paperwork that involved), helping him in and out of bed for naps, and wheeling him to and from the washroom as needed. Even if it was a lot of work, I wasn't doing ALL the work, and I could go for a walk in the woods or run a few errands without worrying (much) that Bad Things would happen in my absence. My mom, though, is physically in decent shape for 92, apart from her Meniere's Disease (aka chronic vertigo). But over the past year she's been increasingly losing her executive function and ability to retain recent memories. She's starting to leave her essential items like hearing aids and glasses in odd places around the house, and getting distressed when she can't find them.

Most tasks that used to be routine for Mom are beyond her now, and even writing down the steps for her doesn't help. She either forgets to look at the instructions, or she's too confused to follow them. Even answering the phone is a challenge these days, because if she can't hear the caller right away (which she usually can't, despite the volume enhancement) she starts pressing buttons at random and hangs up on them more often than not.

So for the past three months I've been running downstairs every hour or two all day to give my mom her medications, make her lunch and dinner, do her laundry, take her for her daily walk, answer her phone, turn on the TV for her, shepherd her through her nightly bedtime routine, and reassure her when she's worried about something she can't remember. It takes up a big chunk of every day in addition to my own family and church responsibilities (neither of which I want to give up or think I should). And that's assuming Mom doesn't have one of her out-of-the-blue excruciating nerve pain attacks, a fairly new development which involves a whole other level of care and leave us both exhausted for a day or more afterward. [3]

But the hardest part is that I can't leave the house now, even for a short time, without hiring a professional caregiver or recruiting a family member to take my place. My mom no longer remembers how to phone me in a crisis, and is unable to take any of her needed vertigo or pain medications on her own. If someone isn't right there to help, Bad Things will most definitely happen at some point, and more likely sooner than later.

Worse, I have no sisters, only brothers, all of whom live hours away. And as my Mom's need for care becomes increasingly specialized and personal, they're less and less equipped -- or suitable, from a woman's point of view -- to help her for more than a few hours at a time. And if Mom has one of her out-of-the-blue pain attacks, they aren't trained to give her the injection she needs. [4] So they'd have to give her oral meds and watch her suffer for 30-45 minutes before the pills kick in — and having gone through that myself several times now, I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy. Or put my Mom through that much pain again, if I can help it.

But she's not in pain, or sick with vertigo, all the time. In fact, she can go for days or weeks without an attack. She's able to move about freely with her walker, chat with visiting helpers and family, stroke our two cats and enjoy looking out the back window at our yard. She looks forward to the meals I make for her and exclaims over how tasty and nourishing they are. She's lived in my basement for 20 years now, so everything is familiar and comforting. And right now, she's as safe here as she could be anywhere. The idea of transferring her to a care home even if there was a bed available (which there isn't — the waiting list in this area is 3-5 years for 24-hour nursing care and 10 years for assisted living) just doesn't seem to make sense, or be anything but cruel to her. And while there are some places that offer overnight respite care for up to a week, they only do that for clients enrolled in their adult day programs — which my mom can't attend because of her complex and unpredictable symptoms.

So I don't know when I'll ever get another vacation. I certainly can't take any overnight trips, or even day trips, right now. Unless I hire a registered nurse to stay with Mom the whole time I'm gone, and pay her hundreds of dollars to do it.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, except to get it off my chest. I love my Mom and I want to do my best for her. I'm thankful that despite her physical and mental health issues she is a loving, grateful and overall very obliging person to care for. She thanks and praises me for everything I do to help her, and apologizes for taking up so much of my time. I know she never wanted to put me in this position any more than I want to be in it.

But it's hard. It's really, really hard. And I wish I knew how long this is going to go on.

-- [1] Not counting the occasional calls in the middle of the night, which I hope will be fewer now that I've moved the call bell to keep my mom from knocking it by accident.

[2] Dad passed in early 2020, just before the pandemic. I'm still thanking God daily for that timing because I can't even imagine what it would have been like trying to visit him in lockdown.

[3] We've been to the hospital and our family doctor multiple times about this. Nobody can figure out why it's happening or how to stop it. We're supposed to get a CT scan at some point, which I hope will give us some more answers, but that could be weeks or months away.

[4] I myself was only trained a few days ago, and without any medical background or experience, I'm far from confident about it. Not even sure how well it's going to work, but something has to.