#and telling myself that the act of creation is fulfilling enough to make it worth doing has ACTUALLY WORKED which is. wild

[madameocotillo]

Gotten several very nice tag-comments on that Silas gatcha game art, and now am having to fight the urge to slap out scribbles for the sake of attention. I know from experience that this is not a healthy motivation for me but GOD I miss drawing regularly and receiving praise for it

[eltigreus]

what’s changed?

when I was younger (not that I now am old or anything), I used to tweet, livejournal, post, share, reblog (with vivacious commentary), and unabashedly expose my self and my expressions in whatever manner I could think of on a daily basis, wherever possible. multiple times a day, in fact. the epitome of screaming into the void - simply for the sake of assuring myself that I am alive and I have thoughts/feelings. but now...

I find myself: habitually/obsessively running my thoughts and opinions through judgement filters before even allowing myself to consider them; reactively scrutinizing the art and expressions of others for no good reason other than to be contradictory; scavenging the depths of my mind for good content and throwing out practically every seed I pull up before it even has a chance to be germinated; refusing to share anything of myself that feels underdeveloped or inadequate for this social platform or that; and (at times, desperately) looking for any minuscule moment of every day life interesting enough to capture on video that I could share with friends, family, followers, and anyone else that might help to contribute to the proliferation of vast opportunity for creation in the realm of entertainment for myself and my cohorts.

“What happened?”

how did that bombastically outspoken, overly-enthusiastic, naïvely ostentatious young artist end up this way?

a while ago, I spoke to a friend who told me,

“You’re all dusty? You used to be so much... shinier?”

to which I immediately shrunk in reaction. “life happened,” I thought to myself.

but, whose life is it? whose life are you leading? whose life are you aspiring towards? is it one of your own creation and desire or is it the one you were indoctrinated to believe is the only “true” option for success in your profession? the one with flagrantly rapid [commercial] success, un-stifled money flow, influential notoriety, and - of course - lots and lots of beautiful [men] of all shapes and sizes at the tips of your fingers awaiting your beck and call?

the reality of this enviable latter life is one only a privileged few get to lead in the business of entertainment; and it is apparent that a vast majority of those few don’t look like me, nor would they refer to themselves as “movement artists” - nor do they seem to register aloud their own contributions (or lack thereof) to the privilege of living this reality; that’s another tangent emotional pi.

“You’re all dusty?”

I’ve had the dirt kicked up on me quite a few times before that day when I met my friend. I had felt myself becoming much more dull in the months that preceded this meeting, but never was able to admit to myself what was happening until someone else was awake enough (and loved me enough) to point it out to me.

“You used to be so much... shiner? You can’t keep giving and giving your light away to other people. You have to replenish and recharge yourself if you want to have anything at all to give to someone else.”

these were some of the things my very conscious friend had said to me that day. he was/is right.

I love to give and I love to avoid myself. but, clearly, this wasn’t always the case. frequently, I attributed this development to the consistent loneliness I was experiencing (even before the quarantine). upon further reflection, I think it would actually be more accurate to say “this re-development” of myself. I think, perhaps, the reason that bombastic young artist was so unapologetically expressive was because he had the time to be so; he had the time to be bored enough to indulge in his own organically-sprouted curiosities and decided to respond to his findings aloud - to himself, to anyone who might hear in passing, to whomever.

the reality was that the make-up of his audience was of no importance; the importance was the act of sharing, the purity of expression - of earnestly recounting experience and emotion. not being concerned with how to indulge in dialogue but inherently knowing that the conversation must be started in order for one to begin to learn.

so how can I expect myself to be so suddenly inspired now when I never give myself enough time to relax and be bored?

quite probably possibly, the production mindset has skewed my view of [my] value. though the efficiency skills I now posses are very useful in a creative process when time is not on our side, the incessant need to constantly produce something in order to feel sufficient - to feel purposeful or worthwhile in any manner - can take irreversible tolls on the body and psyche.

“You’ve got to save some light for yourself.”

I have given my light to choreographers, directors, producers, employers, educators, entrepreneurs, puppet masters, and clowns all with varying degrees of mutual benefit as collaborators and acquaintances. you can tell the ones who are ready to reciprocate your efforts of light-giving from a mile off and - hopefully - you make the effort to ensure that you are able to stick around and continue trading frequencies/creative opportunities. but, why is it that one would choose to stick around when one’s intuition screams at them that their currently-involved endeavor is a one-way highway and all signs along the road offer (clearly threatening) admonitions of fines, tickets, and legal action against those that pick up... hitchhikers?

though you inherently know better, for some reason, you still hope the ones who are there to take what they need and then thank u, next themselves out of your realm of existence will somehow (miraculously) see you as something... special? some thing “worth” taking the time to get to know and grow with. unique enough to take a chance on for a fantastical project that is bound to be the next multi-million dollar franchise which will set you up to do whatever it is celebrities do when they’re not being famous... for the rest of your life? it sounds as ridiculous as it is.

it’s hilarious (and unsurprising), but my professional life and personal life have very closely mirrored parallels. to consider myself a “hitchhiker” in regards to my past methods of approach at forming relationships (romantic and otherwise) with humans is, unfortunately, fairly accurate. the co-dependent nature of matrimony which had been instilled in me since I was a young one has very undesirable affects when put into practice as an “independent adult.”

but how could you expect anything different when your focus is divided between your profession, your partner, your bills, your friends, your dog, your chores ... this list goes on and on. when do you turn your undivided attention inward to reflect on what it is you need/want? I’ve found that even when I am involuntarily alone, I tend to refuse avoid every opportunity for relaxation and self-consideration. (un)fortunately (for me), the Pandemic currently circulating our Mother Earth has removed virtually all possibilities for external distractions. (a moment of singularity is much more easily served surrounded by accessible bars, intoxicants, and unimaginably beautiful people, after all - no?)

before I run off my rails, I think I must pull this train of thought into the station. this lengthy rumination of my past experiences is not meant to serve as a “warning” for those interested in undertaking an artist’s life. I write this, first and foremost, to employ what I’ve criticized myself for not doing throughout this piece: I write this as an act of screaming into the void once again.

I write this to assure myself of my own ability to communicate emotions/thoughts and experiences, and to remind myself of how much I love to do so. I write this also to offer another perspective to others who may feel jaded or deceived along the current portion of their artistic journey. I write this as an act of defiance against my own insecurities.

I write this in the hopes of encouraging whomever might stumble upon it to give yourself a break and assess/pursue what it is that will bring you true fulfillment in this life.

I write this... because I wanted to? because I wanted to. because I wanted to express myself without being bogged down by the waterfall of irrelevance that my mind produces when it feels unsafe or exposed. because I am an expressive human who must allow room for expression when the motivation is pure.

because I’m trying to cure myself from this long-time build up of artistic epididymal hypertension.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[rwendellartdump]

a long rant that probably nobody will read and that's fine:

I think my problem with the epilogues and homestuck 2 and all this is just like. hm. how to even describe this.

okay like, I feel as though it's not fun anymore. or like a lot of the characters either don't like each other, or if they do, they're really straining the relationship and maybe they shouldn't like each other anymore.

for me, homestuck was defined by explosive growth and creation, both from the characters and from the fans. and because the characters were often kind of parodies of the fans in certain ways, that was great and made sense. half the reason why homestuck is so long is because we'd basically get their entire chat history, like, up to and including chats where it was just like, "checking in to see how you're doing" and then they say memes at each other for 15 minutes before remembering that they had anything else to talk about. because they liked each other and doing stuff like that was fun.

and like, I haven't read the epilogues or homestuck 2. I've just been absorbing all information I get about them by happenstance, and I went and found a summary of the epilogues once. and like, the options are just mania or depression. nobody is themselves, or nobody likes each other, or someone is dead or depressed or dead because they're depressed or dying or evil or abusive or abused or... anything but actually happy? and I understand the idea that a story is boring without conflict and can't just be all of them sitting around on a couch and being total goof offs for thousands of pages but like... first of all, wasn't that what most of the fan works were like anyway?

like, does anyone remember octopimp's whole youtube channel full of voiced fan comics about useless nothing goof skits? and that was not exhaustive, there was so much. and that's not to say that this is the ideal form for homestuck to take, but it was something that homestuck could reasonably spawn without a hint of irony. it was how a lot of fan enjoyment and engagement took shape, in a very natural way. people loved it.

and also, there is such a thing as being happy without being satisfied. like maybe you are not satisfied with the state of things as they are, and you want to change stuff and work towards goals, but you are happy to do it and glad you can help? that vibe was super important to homestuck, like, everything from act 1 to cascade was basically the trolls being super bitter about the way their session went, and the humans being like "hang on guys, I think we got this" and then the reason why cascade was so good was because they actually did got this.

a core theme in homestuck is that in order to ascend, you must first descend. earlier I mentioned that half of all homestuck fan content was goofs, but the other half was definitely angst. I can recall distinct fan creations for the deaths of Nepeta and Equius, the ancestors and what happened to the Sufferer, murderstuck, grimdark Rose, Dave's whole situation, etc, you get the idea. but the big secret behind all of that was that the angst wasn't just angst... it was the precursor to triumph.

homestuck is about kids stuck at home and how they become unstuck through their own agency, to the point where they move across multiple universes just to be near each other. they reach towards each other and eventually connect. nearly all of the big [S] pages are named after movement. descend, ascend, cascade... collide.

this was the goal. to bring people together, in spite of everything. if I had to describe the best emotion that homestuck has to offer a reader, "triumph" would be it. "community" would be a close second. and the fact that homestuck's characters so often parody the people who read the comic just makes these things that much more special. that much more personal, heartwarming, fulfilling, endearing... you are invited to the table for this, and the story makes you want to be there. you want a place in this. and it all stems from these characters overcoming seemingly insurmountable difficulties with pride and enthusiasm, while still being their weird, nerdy, unapologetic selves. whether it's alchemizing items, writing fanfiction, drawing artwork, making music, RPing as OCs, or spawning a whole new universe, homestuck is an explosion of creation, and that creation includes identity, and pride in that identity.

and to get back to my point... I think the epilogues and homestuck 2 feel like the degradation of that. like, if/when creation happens in this environment, why do we want that? is it even a good thing? we were given homestuck's relatively happy ending, but then it's like the shine of it wore off for someone somewhere along the line. maybe it wasn't interesting enough for them. I dunno. it all just feels so cynical. and I really miss the days where I wanted to see bits of myself in these characters. now I feel like I don't even want to engage with this material because, if I continue to care for or relate to any of them, I'm gonna end up legitimately feeling bad. lonely, heartsick, grief stricken... like there's really no going back to the enthusiasm you used to feel when you messaged that person to share dumb memes with them for 15 minutes before remembering what you even wanted to talk about. there's a loss of familiarity. this doesn't feel like home the way it used to.

and again, I'm not asking for relentless positivity. homestuck gave us low moments and sadness. but it also gave us life after sadness. life where you can laugh again, even if you were hurt earlier. or life where you're angry about the state of things, but you also feel like there is an avenue for change, so you take it. I just wish homestuck had been allowed to end on a positive note, and then maybe an epilogue would've been neat, but it'd be like... little episodic tales? just checking in? I dunno. I just hate feeling like the characters are drifting further and further. like, maybe it was a mistake to even want more of homestuck when there wasn't really a purpose in continuing to follow what the characters were doing. the game ended. maybe the rest of their lives could've been so unremarkable that it wasn't a story worth telling outside of speculative fan comics about what they might be up to.

I liked the idea of continuing with the events of hiveswap and friendsim tied in, because it seemed kind of like the end goal might've been for the characters we were meeting to escape through the cherub portal to earth c through a complicated series of events that we'd be privy to, which would all be done with that signature homestuck flair. it'd be super fun to see the friendsim trolls trying to adjust to life on earth c, because they'd have to shed all the baggage of having lived in alternian society, which would be difficult, and interesting, and reformative, and y'know... fun. but now if they do that, they'll meet the main cast as they are in homestuck 2's canon, and I don't think the fun of it would make it through. like it'd be lost in translation and it'd all just end up vaguely uncomfortable like everything else.

[ser-yolomere-of-swagalore]

Welcome, O life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race myself, bitch.

James Joyce -- Ulysses (with some much needed editing)

I haven’t written here in a long time. In fact, after this post, I don’t really see myself writing here every again-- and no, before any of you (if there is, in fact, any one who will see this) jump to conclusions, this isn’t some kind of weird suicide note, or plea for help. What this is, is a sort of manifesto, or a summation, of everything that I’ve felt, and am feeling at the moment, and in a way, hopefully, purging myself of these feelings forever. It’s a goodbye, but also a new opportunity. A creation, as well as a destruction. A final litany of things that I have to say, or wanted to say, and a final exorcism of numerous antagonistic little ghosts that have been rattling around in my head for God knows how long. 

I’ve always been struck by the concept of a sort of Joycean paralysis. Maybe because it’s true-- that Irish people are, in a weird way, struck with a sort of deep, abiding, spiritual malaise, a psychological and emotional paralysis, as a sort of weird, post-colonial hangover-- or maybe because it simply hits too close to home. The narrative of a sort of genealogical, archaeological torpor is one that is all too easy to believe, because it is something that I have experienced quiet viscerally throughout my entire life, but also in a way that is difficult to articulate. The sense that you’re fundamentally at odds with the world around you because of some fundamental, spiritual displacement resulting from years (centuries?) of imperialistic and religious abuse isn’t something that goes well over dinner, after all-- especially when dinner is a hurriedly bought Burger King and the sound of mopeds careening up and down the Cardiffsbridge Road muffles the sound of Coronation Street on the television. 

But it’s a feeling that has stuck with me so long. Longer than I can really remember. This sense of being held back. By myself, by the world around me, by the people around me. Dreams of leaving, of emigrating, have been a consistent fantasy of mine. Occasional spurts of creative writing have always been characterized by the theme of a departure, whether through the realm of some childish Tolkien-esque fantasy or through a plane ticket that randomly fell into the protagonist’s (read: my) lap. That feeling of momentary, ontological vertigo, when the plane leaves the ground and you can feel yourself lifted in that miniature pocket of zero-gravity, is a sensation that I’ve craved and chased (either literally, or figuratively) whenever possible, with varying degrees of success. I even had, at one point, a bit of a miniature breakdown (you know those ones, where they creep up on you, where you have this vague sense that at any minute things are just going to collapse all around you, and nothing will ever be the same) and I started doing some pretty illegal things to get money (fill in the blanks there however you wish) in order to essentially run away, get a plane ticket to somewhere, and just start afresh. But that did crash down, either way-- I started having some viscerally severe panic attacks; I felt like I was going to be trapped here, forever, that I was going to die here, that all the dreams and aspirations I had of doing something worth while were just gonna be swallowed up the dull, plot-less relentlessness with which life here seemed to drive itself--arguably into the ground. I attended counselling, got a professional, objective perspective, and was able to get to grips with things. The anxiety stopped. The borderline insane drive to escape was lulled, and while the gnawing sense of there being a sort of hole, at the center of everything, dissipated, it didn’t quite disappear. I was, once again, able to manage, and plod right along. 

Over time, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my sense of malaise is not, in fact, the result of some kind of literarily prescribed sense of paralysis-- or, at least, not entirely. It is the result of years, perhaps arguably even decades, of mistreatment. By a family and a home that is so deeply dysfunctional that it is, legitimately, tragic. By an early upbringing so neglected and isolated that, to look back and take an earnest look, is genuinely pathetic. By a mindset and by people who see who I am and see something to laugh at. I’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that my family have never quite seen me seriously, as someone incompetent, flowery, soft, and not worth paying attention to. Years, again, potentially decades of subtle gaslighting, invalidation, negation, criticism, patronizing, condescension-- all compounded by shitty, so-called friends, who were all too happy to take advantage of my desire to please and turn it around on me-- had resulted in a person who had so much self-doubt, such a negative self-image, such a horrible sense of failure that, to further disappoint, would result in self-harm. Decades of having my life dictated to me, taking up responsibility and accepting the burden of my family’s terrible choices, of having my potential and my opportunities circumscribes by what seems to be the endlessly unfolding soap opera of my extended family’s self-inflicted pain.  And the worst part is that I simply thought all of this was normal. The concept of Joycean paralysis was able to help me understand, in a vague sense, what was really wrong, but only hindered me in truly understanding its origin.

I worry that if I go on like this I’ll only end up sounding like some kind of serially self-pitying asshole, one of those people that advertises their personal trauma and tragedy as a means to win the Sadsack Olympics, or obtain sympathy, or blame their lack of success and fulfillment on their past. But in the end, that isn’t what this is about. That isn’t the reason why I’m writing this post. In fact, the reason why I am writing this is far more joyous, written with a deep smile spreading across my face. I’ve spent my entire life orientating around myself around other people, of pleasing other people, and I’ve gotten very, very good at figuring out what is that people want, and giving it to them. What I’ve learned, an what I’ve finally gotten the balls to do, is do what I want. I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned to pursue what I want, to accrue self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem. I’ve learned to deny people, to put myself first, and tell people who need to be told what for. I’ve learned that to be “good” is to give in, to do as I’ve told and take it all on the chin, and I’ve learned that to be “bad” is to pursue what I want, and to rebel. And, fundamentally, I’ve learned that when I am good, I am very, very good, but when I am bad I am FUCKING FIERCE. 

So I am leaving. In fact, I’ve been planning on leaving for quite some time now. Since March, roughly. I am moving to the U.K, getting away from this place, to spend time with people who I have chosen to spend my time with, that I have build up relationships purely of my own choosing and initiative, and whom I trust. To build a life that I choose to build, for myself, and shirking off as much of the trauma, pain, insecurities and self-doubt as I can. Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan believed that the core motivating force in all human behavior was anxiety, and not just anxiety, but the creative and ornate ways we go about avoiding or managing it. According to him, a personality was simply a collection of habits and strategies people gathered over time to “avoid or minimize anxiety, ward off disapproval, and maintain self-esteem.” What I’ve learned, personally, is the sheer liberating power of identifying and deconstructing the aspects of my own psychology that are life-limiting, and taking great joy in completely and utterly destroying the ones that are build up anxious defense mechanisms. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t scary, because when these mechanisms fall I’ll be thrust, head first, into facing the things I am most deeply afraid of—social rejection and abandonment, unworthiness and failure, unlovability and isolation, to name a few. But it is liberating because I’ve come to realize that, yes, our defenses serve a function, but no, we don’t actually need all of them to survive-- and then, suddenly, an entirely new life is possible. I’ve come to realize that I actually CAN tolerate anxiety; I CAN live with not being liked, I CAN be misunderstood, I CAN make mistakes, I CAN feel bad. And let me tell you, it is a relief. God is sometimes understood as a creator, but he can also be understood as a destroy-- And I am choosing to be the God of my own goddamn life, and taking great pleasure in destroying that which I don’t like.

I’ve ended up prescribing some great, symbolic significance to the act of me leaving. It is me righteously striking back at all the things that had made me hate myself in the past, because they couldn’t simply tolerate hating themselves and needed to destroy me in order to feel better. And so, to them, I say: 

Fuck my family, who have done nothing to actually foster and cultivate who I am as a human being

Fuck the people who have turned my own kindness against me and made me doubt myself

Fuck the people who have made me feel as though my command of words is a weakness-- I am a fucking fantastic writer, and I dare any of those people to challenge me, because I’ll write them into the fucking ground. 

Fuck the people who made me doubt my intelligence; I am more than smart enough to figure things out for myself and smart enough, at least now, to see them for the self-hating, jealous troglodytes they are.

Fuck this place that has made me feel that who I am is wrong, and lesser, and subordinate-- I am worthy, and powerful, and capable.

Fuck this country, and its backwards, stagnant, repressive culture

FUCK

YOU

And that’s it. There’s my gigantic, theatrical display of radical self-acceptance. In a way, what I want to do is leave, and never come back. To delete all my social media, and start afresh. But I know that’s not realistic. I know I have to tether myself to “home”, as much as I disagree with the idea this place is truly home. I will say this, however-- there are parts of my experience here, and my life thus far, that have been wonderful. I’ve got a handful of genuinely fantastic friends, and I’ve forged some very important memories with them. To burn those bridges would be unforgivable, and I would never be able to do that to them. 

It’s 2:16am. I was already exhausted but I had to write this and get it all off my chest. But this is it-- me signing off, forever. Let this be a testament to everything I want to be, an will be, from here on out. 

-Ian.

[islamicrays]

We live in an iWorld. Surrounded by iPhones, iPads, MYspace, YOUtube, the focus is clear: Me, my, I. One need not look far to see this obsession with the self. In order to sell, advertisers must appeal to the ego. For example, many ads appeal to the part of us that loves power and being in charge. DirectTV tells you: “Don’t watch TV, direct TV!” Yogurtland says: “You rule! Welcome to the land of endless yogurt possibilities, where you rule the portions, the choices and the scene.” But advertisers aren’t the only ones who appeal to our ego. There is a global phenomenon that provides a breeding ground and platform for that ego. And it’s called Facebook. Now, I’ll be the first to assert that Facebook can be a powerful tool for good. It is, like many other things, what you make of it. A knife can be used to cut food which feeds the hungry, or it can be used to kill someone. Facebook can be used for great good—after all it was Facebook that helped facilitate the toppling of a dictator. Facebook can be used as a powerful tool to organize, call, remind, and unite. Facebook can also be used to strengthen our connection to God and to each other… Or Facebook can be used to strengthen the hold of our nafs (lower self or ego). The Facebook phenomenon is an interesting one. In each and every one of us is an ego. It is the part of ourselves that must be suppressed (if we are to avoid Anakin’s fate of turning to the dark side, that is). The danger of feeding the ego is that, as the ego is fed, it becomes strong. When it becomes strong, it begins to rule us. Soon we are no longer slaves to God; we become slaves to ourselves. The ego is the part of us that loves power. It is the part that loves to be seen, recognized, praised, and adored. Facebook provides a powerful platform for this. It provides a platform by which every word, picture, or thought I have can be seen, praised, ‘liked’. As a result, I begin to seek this. But then it doesn’t just stay in the cyber world. I begin even to live my life with this visibility in mind. Suddenly, I live every experience, every photo, every thought, as if it’s being watched, because in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “I’ll put it on Facebook.” This creates a very interesting state of being, almost a constant sense that I am living my life on display. I become ever conscious of being watched, because everything can be put up on Facebook for others to see and comment on. More importantly, it creates a false sense of self-importance, where every insignificant move I make is of international importance. Soon I become the focus, the one on display. The message is: I am so important. My life is so important. Every move I make is so important. The result becomes an even stronger me-focused world, where I am at the center. As it turns out, this result is diametrically opposed to the Reality of existence. The goal of this life is to realize the Truth of God’s greatness and my own insignificance and need before Him. The goal is to take myself out of the center and put Him there instead. But Facebook perpetuates the illusion of the exact opposite. It strengthens my belief that because of my own importance, every inconsequential move or thought should be on display. Suddenly what I ate for breakfast or bought at the grocery store is news important enough to publish. When I put up a picture, I wait for compliments; I wait for acknowledgement and recognition. With the number of likes or comments, physical beauty becomes something that can now be quantified. When I put up a post, I wait for it to be ‘liked’. And I am ever conscience of—and even compete in—the number of “friends” I have. (Friends, here, is in quotation marks because no one knows 80% of their “friends” on Facebook.) This preoccupation and rivalry to acquire more, is mentioned in the Quran. God says: “The mutual rivalry for piling up (of worldly things) has preoccupied you.”(102:1) Whether that rivalry is in piling up wealth, or friends and ‘likes’ on Facebook, the result is the same: We have become preoccupied by it. Facebook also strengthens another dangerous focus: the focus on other people, what they’re doing, what they like. What they think of me. Facebook feeds the preoccupation with others’ assessment of me. Soon, I enter the orbit of the creation. Inside that orbit, my definitions, my pain, my happiness, my self-worth, my success and my failure is determined by the creation. When I live in that orbit, I rise and fall with the creation. When the people are happy with me, I’m up. When they’re not, I fall. Where I stand is defined by people. I’m like a prisoner because I have given up the keys to my happiness, sadness, fulfillment, and disappointment to the people to hold. Once I enter and live in the orbit of the creation—rather than the orbit of God—I begin to use that currency. See, the currency of God’s orbit is: His pleasure or His displeasure, His reward or His punishment. But, the currency of the orbit of creation is: the praise and criticism of people. So, as I enter deeper and deeper into that orbit, I covet more and more of its currency, and I fear more and more of its loss. While I’m playing Monopoly, for example, I covet more and more of its currency. And it feels great to be ‘rich’ for a moment. But when the game is over, what can I buy in the Real world with Monopoly money? The human currency of praise is Monopoly money. It feels great for a moment to collect, but when the game is over, it’s worthless. In the Reality of this life and the next, it’s worthless. And yet, I even covet this false currency in my worship. In this way, I fall victim to the hidden shirk: Riyaa (showing off in worship). Riyaa is a consequence of living in the orbit of the creation. The deeper and deeper I enter into that orbit, the more I become consumed with gaining human praise, approval and recognition. The more I enter that orbit, the more I fear loss—loss of face, loss of status, loss of praise, loss of approval. But the more I fear the people, the more I become enslaved. True freedom only comes when I let go of the fear of anything and anyone other than God. In a profound hadith (Prophetic teaching), a man came to the Prophet ﷺ and said: “O Messenger of God, direct me to an act, which if I do, God will love me and people will love me.” He ﷺ said: “Detach yourself from the world, and God will love you. Detach yourself from what is with the people, and the people will love you.” [Ibn Majah] Ironically, the less we chase after the approval and love of the people, the more we gain it. The less needy we are of others, the more people are drawn to us and seek our company. This hadith teaches us a profound Truth. Only by breaking out of the orbit of the creation, can we succeed with both God and people. So while Facebook is indeed a powerful tool, let it be a tool of your freedom—not a tool of your servitude to yourself and the assessment of others.

"Reclaim Your Heart" by Yasmin Mogahed

[discovering-ellie]

August 19, 2021 - Post Three

Okay, so after thumbing through that A to Z Self-Care Guide I got last week, I decided to buy myself a tarot deck. I found this absolutely gorgeous deck that just perfectly matches what I think my aesthetic is and, ugh, just yes.

Anyway, after trying my best to shuffle these cards, I attempted a Self-Care spread. The card in the middle is my problem, upper left is what to do now, upper right is what to do later, bottom left is what I need to hear, and bottom right is what I need to avoid.

So let's get into it!

My problem: Five of Wands (reversed). Avoid conflict, compromise, truce "Conflict is uncomfortable, however, running away from your problems will not solve anything. Nipping it in the bud can help you practice confronting the issues head on instead of shying away. In the act of avoidance, you tend to scatter your energy and prolong the conflict, making it even worse! This could also be a pattern of compromising your values to appease others. You may be feeling competitive vibes, especially from your coworkers. Listen to your gut instincts on who you can trust, as some people will not have your best interests at heart. Learn to choose your battles and if this is worth fighting for. Reserve your energy for bigger battles ahead and come to a truce to ease the situation. Sometimes keeping the peace is more worthwhile than being right." My Interpretation: Well, if this isn't an accurate fucking depiction of my problem, I don't know what is. It's no secret that I avoid conflict because of how uncomfortable it makes me and, as a result, it always makes the situation worse. I'm working on nipping my issues in the bud, but this is definitely still a battle

What to do now: Nine of Wands Wisdom, Perseverance, Last Stretch "Almost there! You can see the finish line, and at the last minute, you are faced with an obstacle. This challenge can be seen as a setback or a test of your character. Expect the worst and protect yourself against any foreseeable attacks. Better to be prepared than to be sorry later! Throughout this journey, you have accumulated experience and gained enough wisdom to handle anything that is thrown your way. You've gained tools to deal with your inner struggles and now you have confidence in your abilities to overcome and persevere. Trust in your strength and power to make it to the end. Learn from your mistakes so that you can navigate setbacks easily in the future. Challenges are difficult, but believe in your abilities to make it through. You can do it!" My Interpretation: What I'm getting from this is encouragement to continue using the tools that I'm learning to get me through my struggles as they arise. I need to keep moving forward in my process, trusting it and continuing to learn.

What to do later: Nine of Pentacles True Colors, Splendor, Vitality "Indulge yourself! You deserve it. Your hard work is paying off and you are now reaping the rewards. You feel at ease with your financial status, income, and schedule. Live loud with luxury, allowing yourself to enjoy the abundance that you've created. It is now the time to celebrate and treat yourself, whether it's buying that item you've had your eye on or giving yourself time to rest. By staying true to yourself and your vision, you are improving the quality of your life. Show your true colors by saying yes to your independent spirit and the creations you are bringing forth into this world. Acknowledge your accomplishments and what it took for you to get to this place of fulfillment and satisfaction. Rich in inspiration, connect and replenish the unique beauty that you possess and provide in this world." My Interpretation: I feel like this card is telling me to acknowledge and celebrate how far I've come on my journey. I know that I still have such a far journey left ahead of me, but that doesn't mean that I should downplay all of my efforts so far.

What I need to hear: The Tower (reversed) Warning, Fear of Change, Avoidance "Whew! You've managed to avoid a disaster, getting out of harm's way just in time. The Tower Reversed is a warning that drastic changes are on the way, however you are given time to prepare before the storm. This is an opportunity to take preventative measures to soften the blow, so to speak. There is also an indication that you are resisting change and you are doing everything in your power to avoid these unfortunate but necessary occurrences. Prolonging the situation will not help. Face your fears and accept change as a start to a new beginning. Contradicting thoughts and actions make way for a confusing outcome. Actions speak louder than words, communicating your innermost thoughts. Take risks, be bold, and put yourself out there. As they say -- go big or go home." My Interpretation: Man, this card is really calling me out, isn't it? The section about change and facing my fears absolutely speaks to me and I know that it's telling me to just do the damn thing, but there's still a lot of fear behind "the thing." Additionally, I believe that this is telling me to continue to work on my communication with others and to give actions to back it up. Like it said, I need to take risks and be bold.

What I should avoid: Two of Wands Advance, Explore, Prospects "A new world is calling your names and you are confidently stepping forward, ready to see what's next! There is an enticing path laid before you, and you have conceptualized a plan to take action and progress towards your bigger ambitions. However, you're faced with leaving your comfort zone to venture off into unfamiliar territory. The big picture is clear, and you know what you are capable of. Bold and fearless, as you step into your own personal power you enable others to do the same. Making the decision to leave the comfort of home is not always easy, but can be necessary for your personal growth. Take the risk! And have a backup plan. You will learn so much about yourself and discover the world in so many ways. As J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, "Not all those who wander are lost."" My Interpretation: This confuses me because this card seems like such a positive card full of hope and encouragement, but it's in the "What I should avoid" slot. Does that mean I should avoid the urge to NOT step out of my comfort zone and explore? I'm still very, very new to this whole tarot thing, so if any of you with more experience have any clue what this could possibly mean, I'd really appreciate the input.

UPDATE: a friend that is well-versed in tarot gave me this interpretation for the Two of Wands: Two of Wands - this meaning can be taken many ways. To me, in this slot after reading your pulls and your interpretations- i am pulled to say this:: stay your path to healing you, this is working for you now. There will be a time to step out and explore but now, just stay the course That doesn’t mean don’t explore, don’t step out of your comfort zone - as this will play out naturally. But keeping the foundation of your path and the course to the next level of healing

[clonerightsagenda]

Kanaya’s arc part 2: Cherubquest onward

Canon doesn’t really have Kanaya and Terezi talk, which is kind of goofy considering they are theoretically friends, played a killer game together, and then lived together for three years.  So we do that.  They both confess that they have seen other people is more capable than themselves, which is a common problem.  Impostor syndrome, I guess.  Also, in the refuge of the bubbles and in the presence of probably the person with the most fucked up love life choices, Kanaya finally admits her concerns about her relationship. Although she feared that calling Rose on her behavior would might lead to a breakup, she now worries that her reluctance to act has destroyed them from the inside out.  She is also hurt that Rose concealed these things from her because it feels like a betrayal.  As I’m reading this I’m realizing that my more recent Kanaya updates were not all that original and kind of repeated a bunch of shit I already said.  Oh well.  We’ve been going so slowly I’ve forgotten stuff. 

She references her quest again and reiterates that she is happy to have it, but she also suggests that she’ll be happy to finish and be able to set out on something of her own.  Just because we’re content to do something that was asked of us  doesn’t mean we want to do it for the rest of our lives.  She doesn’t want to be defined solely by that role - the role of always dedicating herself to others heedless of her own desires or needs.

One would expect a space player to have a sense of space.  So I think it’s fitting that it is Kanaya who ponders what exactly counts is home for these kids at this point.  Their old planet?  The meteor they spent the last three years on?  Instead, despite her spatial orientation, she identifies not a spot but a group of people as their true home - the people they spent the last few years with.  That’s the home that they can take with them.

When the girls meet Vriska, Kanaya brings up her worries that she did not act enough.  However, Vriska suggests that it probably wouldn’t have changed anything and might have made things worse.  When it comes to light heroes who can accept constructive criticism, she doesn’t make the top of the list, not that any of them love it.  The conversation between the two isn’t a lot, because I’m really focusing on the sisters, but I did want to give them some sort of closure, considering they had the whole red pale thing going on.  As a side note, you think that would come up at least a little bit in the retcon universe, considering they were in the same place, and Vriska is shown having a heart next to her after Kanaya punches her. But who knows.

On to the first update I stalled this response for. Allegedly Kanaya’s outfit here is based off some sort of metal gear thing, because Gill just does that all the time now.  Don’t ask me what or which one.  I’m pretty sure that’s why she has an armband, although the explanation we’re going with is that Rose tried to start knitting her a scarf and never finished it.This conversation starts with Rose brooding, because that’s just what her family does.  When she mentions that her universe is dead, Kanaya gently reminds her that she’s not the only one.  Kanaya also lost a world and a mother.  This reminder isn’t meant to belittle her feelings, but to let her know that she’s not alone, and she doesn’t have to feel like it’s just her against the world. Space heroes often end up in emotional labor source-sink relationships, and you really see that play out here.  At the beginning of the conversation, Rose is angsting, and Kanaya is doing requisite supportive body language.  We see a little bit of her insecurity peek through

KANAYA: It Got Us Here KANAYA: Thats Not All Bad  KANAYA: Right

But she is quickly reassured.  Like I said before, space players tend to deal with what’s in front of them and not stress as much the alternate possibilities.  As far as Kanaya’s concerned, shit happened, and here they are. She is more worried about the responsibilities lying in her future than other ways things could have gone when she knows they had no other choice. As the conversation goes on, though, she begins to voice more of her fears.  A big theme of this conversation is stewardship are motherhood and how to take care of things.  Rose’s stance is more aggressive.  To protect someone, you have to destroy what might harm it.  Kanaya isn’t so sure about that, but she is worried about the responsibility of bringing back an entire species.  That’s a lot to deal with, especially when you’re a kid and your world is gone.  The world isn’t great, and she has to deal with the responsibility of subjecting her future charges to that.  Parenthood is hard.

KANAYA: Echidna Handed The Burden Of An Entire Race To Me And Everyone Expects Me To Carry It KANAYA: They Believe I Can Do It Because I Have Been Carrying So Much For So Long

She is also learning to start admitting some of her stresses instead of being the typical space player burden-bearer.  More on that in a bit.

KANAYA: Not To Mention As An Agent Of Creation Both Through Space And Prospit I Can Tell You When The Balance Has Been Struck KANAYA: To Avoid Any Too Reckless Acts Of Destruction Merely To Break With The Old KANAYA: If You Dont Mind That Is KANAYA: I Dont Want To KANAYA: You Know

I mentioned this before, but we see back in act five that Kanaya’s worried about accidentally wandering into the pale quadrant with Rose.  She also doesn’t want to give the impression that Rose needs watching or that her job is simply to rein her in, however, she does want to help with her endeavor. There’s a difference being the one trying to control someone, and being a co-collaborator in their efforts. Despite her thinking that Rose sometimes may be too reckless, she also knows that is part of who she is and would not want to lose that. 

On to our most recent update. If you go back and read early scenes, Kanaya is at her most awkward and funny when meeting new people, so I played that up here with Roxy and in her later walkaround logs. 

In this conversation, Kanaya finally escapes the typical space player source-sink emotional labor relationship. Instead, she is honest: about her fears of smothering Rose, about her drinking problem, and about frustration she feels over Rose’s addiction. She also admits to her own insecurities, especially in comparison to her dancestor. “I can control myself,” she says. A lot of her story is about control. She enunciates carefully. She grooms topiary into beautiful shapes. She tries to keep the social dynamics around her orderly. I think part of the reason she keeps mum about her problems is because it betrays that facade of control, and admitting her addiction problem does too. However, that silence only prevents her from truly getting a grasp on her situation. Sometimes you have to loosen your fingers a little bit in order to get a better grip. 

Moving on, I honestly thought she would make use of all the blood she purchased in canon. She didn't, but we do. Symbolically, she is taking a former weakness and symbol of death or loss and turning it into a chance to fulfill her quest and bring about new life. Of course, in canon they just use the ectobiology labs, which raises the question of why the orb was such a big deal in the first place, but oh well. I guess they used it for the initial population surge to keep going. Rose throws her two cents (or rainbow lifey water) into the mix, because girlfriends gotta work together. 

KANAYA: Are You Breaking Up With Me ROSE: Think of it as offering a strategic retreat, if you want to take it. KANAYA: Is That What You Want

Like I said, this is her chance to be honest. At first, Kanaya shows some of her typical passivity, responding as if she is leaving the choice up to Rose. Rose, of course, would probably then wriggle her way out of the relationship out of a misplaced sense of duty and/or the belief that she is not worth it. It's a family trait. We mostly see the angst on Rose's side of the relationship, but now Kanaya gets a chance to speak, repeating a lot of the same concerns she finally spat out earlier to Terezi. This isn’t a situation I am familiar with personally, so I did do research into how alcoholism affects partners or other loved ones. I think more than anything else this is Rose’s wake up call and what will prevent her from falling off the wagon again. She doesn't want to do to Kanaya what her mother did to her.

KANAYA: I Kept Hoping I Would Find A Way To Fix It KANAYA: But Thats Not What A Relationship Should Be

Space girls do seem to favor fixer uppers, especially Kanaya. And as she says, you can't build a relationship just on that. It's unhealthy and one-sided. However, even if they're going through a rough patch, that's not all their relationship is. And for once, Rose leaves a crucial decision about her life in someone else's hands, and Kanaya is willing to make the tough choice instead of letting someone else make a call she doesn't agree with. Communication, guys. Astounding. 

They close out the conversation by talking about having fun. This is partly because they have all had some terrible times, but also because this couple is often painted as the "boring lesbians" or "background couple" and that is silly. They're going to have a good time. 

Like I said, Kanaya still has several more significant updates ahead. I just didn’t want to sit on this DVD commentary forever. So stay tuned for the conclusion of her hereditary quest and a few other bits I think you'll find interesting. Overall though, what I tried to focus on was her putting herself first a little bit.  We know she's insecure and will sometimes avoid conflict or try to help other people even if it isn't in her best interest or she disagrees, so throughout the story I tried to make sure she stood up for herself, learn to voice her true feelings, and put her foot down when she thought it was necessary. She may not be a beacon of self confidence – I don't think any of them are – but she's doing better.  That's what we can hope for.

[frmartinshomiliesandreflections]

12th July >> Fr. Martin’s Gospel Reflections / Homilies on Matthew 13:1-23 for The Fifteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year A: ‘Imagine a sower going out to sow’.

Fifteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year A  

Gospel (Europe, Africa, New Zealand, Australia & Canada)

Matthew 13:1-23

A sower went out to sow

Jesus left the house and sat by the lakeside, but such large crowds gathered round him that he got into a boat and sat there. The people all stood on the beach, and he told them many things in parables.

He said, ‘Imagine a sower going out to sow. As he sowed, some seeds fell on the edge of the path, and the birds came and ate them up. Others fell on patches of rock where they found little soil and sprang up straight away, because there was no depth of earth; but as soon as the sun came up they were scorched and, not having any roots, they withered away. Others fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Others fell on rich soil and produced their crop, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. Listen, anyone who has ears!’

Then the disciples went up to him and asked, ‘Why do you talk to them in parables?’ ‘Because’ he replied, ‘the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven are revealed to you, but they are not revealed to them. For anyone who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough; but from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away. The reason I talk to them in parables is that they look without seeing and listen without hearing or understanding. So in their case this prophecy of Isaiah is being fulfilled:

You will listen and listen again, but not understand,

see and see again, but not perceive.

For the heart of this nation has grown coarse,

their ears are dull of hearing, and they have shut their eyes,

for fear they should see with their eyes,

hear with their ears,

understand with their heart,

and be converted

and be healed by me.

‘But happy are your eyes because they see, your ears because they hear! I tell you solemnly, many prophets and holy men longed to see what you see, and never saw it; to hear what you hear, and never heard it.

‘You, therefore, are to hear the parable of the sower. When anyone hears the word of the kingdom without understanding, the evil one comes and carries off what was sown in his heart: this is the man who received the seed on the edge of the path. The one who received it on patches of rock is the man who hears the word and welcomes it at once with joy. But he has no root in him, he does not last; let some trial come, or some persecution on account of the word, and he falls away at once. The one who received the seed in thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this world and the lure of riches choke the word and so he produces nothing. And the one who received the seed in rich soil is the man who hears the word and understands it; he is the one who yields a harvest and produces now a hundredfold, now sixty, now thirty.’

Gospel (USA)

Matthew 13:1–23

A sower went out to sow.

On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat down, and the whole crowd stood along the shore. And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold. Whoever has ears ought to hear.”

The disciples approached him and said, “Why do you speak to them in parables?” He said to them in reply, “Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not, even what he has will be taken away. This is why I speak to them in parables, because they look but do not see, and hear but do not listen or understand. Isaiah’s prophecy is fulfilled in them, which says:

You shall indeed hear but not understand,

you shall indeed look but never see.

Gross is the heart of this people,

they will hardly hear with their ears,

they have closed their eyes,

lest they see with their eyes

and hear with their ears

and understand with their hearts and be converted,

and I heal them.

“But blessed are your eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear. Amen, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

“Hear then the parable of the sower. The seed sown on the path is the one who hears the word of the kingdom without understanding it, and the evil one comes and steals away what was sown in his heart. The seed sown on rocky ground is the one who hears the word and receives it at once with joy. But he has no root and lasts only for a time. When some tribulation or persecution comes because of the word, he immediately falls away. The seed sown among thorns is the one who hears the word, but then worldly anxiety and the lure of riches choke the word and it bears no fruit. But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.”

Reflections (2)

(i)  Fifteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

Nowadays, most of us, including myself, when we want to brighten our garden with colour, we go to a garden centre and we buy a plant that has already grown somewhat. When I was a child we had an elderly neighbour whose son used to put down lots of colourful plants from a garden centre every year in early summer. My father would look at the neighbour’s front garden and dismissively say, ‘Instant gardening’. He used to grow plants in his garden from seed. I remember he used to sow sweet pea seed, for example, and then watch the sweet grow up against a trellis. It gave him pleasure to see the actual growth and not just the end product. I suspect he would be in a minority among suburban gardeners to day.

There is a mysterious quality to the growth that takes place within nature that is always worth observing. This Sunday, all three readings and the psalm make reference to nature. In the first reading, the prophet Isaiah reflects on how the rain and the snow that falls from the sky, waters the earth and enables the earth to yield and give growth, providing seed for the sower and bread for the eating. The psalm celebrates God’s care for the earth. In the second reading, Saint Paul speaks about creation ‘groaning in one great act of giving birth’ to new life. In the gospel reading, Jesus describes a typical agricultural scene in Galilee, of a farmer scattering seeds. For Paul, Isaiah and Jesus, the natural world spoke to them about God. The life-giving impact of rain on soil spoke to Isaiah of the life-giving power of God’s word. The groaning of creation in the act of giving birth to new life spoke to Paul of the groaning of God’s Spirit within our lives as we long for the glorious freedom of the children of God, the freedom of the Spirit.

When Jesus saw the farmer going out to sow seeds, it reminded him of the way God was at work in his life. Jesus noticed that the farmer scattered the seed with abandon, almost recklessly, not knowing what kind of soil it would fall on. Inevitably, a great deal of the seed that was scattered never germinated. The birds came and ate some of it; other seed fell on rocky ground and never took root; more feel among thorns and were choked. Yet, some of the seed fell on good soil and produced an extraordinary harvest, which more than made up for all the losses. This scene spoke to Jesus of his own ministry. He was scattering the word of God’ loving favour in an almost reckless manner. He wanted to touch the lives of everyone, regardless of how they were perceived by others or even by themselves. Jesus gave the most unlikely people the opportunity of receiving the life-giving seed of God’ word. His ministry had something of that scatter gun approach of the farmer in the parable. There was nothing selective about Jesus’ company. He once spoke of God as making his sun to rise on the evil and on the good alike, and sending rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. This was the God that Jesus revealed in his own ministry. As with the farmer, much of what Jesus scattered bore no fruit. Indeed, his gracious word often met with great hostility. Yet, Jesus knew that when his word did strike home in people’s hearts, the harvest would be so great as to more than compensate for all the losses. Because he knew that, he was willing to be wasteful and risk failure. In speaking this parable, Jesus may have been speaking a word of encouragement to his disciples, saying to them, ‘Despite all the setbacks, God is at work and God’s work will lead to something wonderful. The seed is good and powerful. Whatever the odds against us, we must keep sowing’.

We are as much in need of Jesus’ encouraging word today as the disciples were then. We can be very aware of the obstacles to the growth of the gospel in our world, and perhaps even in our church and in our own lives. We can recognize the various obstacles to the growth of God’s word in ourselves mentioned by Jesus in his interpretation of the parable, a lack of understanding of our faith, pressures to compromise when living our faith becomes too costly, and rival calls upon our heart from the cares and pleasures of life. It can be good to name these obstacles to God’s good work within us and strive to lessen their impact. Yet, we need to be patient with ourselves. The primary message of the parable is that these obstacles will not ultimately inhibit the Lord from filling our lives and our world with his bountiful presence. The Lord is willing to be reckless and wasteful with his gracious favour towards us all because he knows that there is good soil there somewhere. Whenever the Lord’s gracious initiative towards us meets with our open and generous response, then our lives will begin to bear the rich fruit of the Holy Spirit, and something of God’s kingdom will come to earth through us.

And/Or

(ii) Fifteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

 Most of us value success. When we apply ourselves to some task and the results are good, we feel satisfied. When our successful efforts are recognized by others, it is all the better. There can be a lot of pressure on people today to succeed. Resources of various kinds are made available to people to help them succeed in the task they have set themselves. In a culture that values success, failure can be hard to cope with, whether it is failure in school or at work or in a relationship. Not measuring up to our own expectations or those of others can leave people feeling demoralized, or even depressed. Yet, we know from experience that sometimes our own expectations and those of others can be quite unrealistic. Allowances are not always made for various kinds of limitations, in ourselves, in others, in the situation in which we happen to find ourselves.

 In the gospel reading, Jesus tells a short story in which both failure and success feature. The sower who goes out to sow the seed meets with both. Much of what he scatters on the ground is wasted; nothing comes from it. There are a whole variety of obstacles impeding his work, the birds, the rocks, the thorns. He can do very little about these obstacles. They are just there; they are part of his world. He knows he has to make allowances for them, but they don’t stop him casting the seed. He is confident that in spite of all these obstacles and the inevitable failure that results, some of the seed will take root and mature, and that, at the end of the day, there will be a harvest to bring in.

 When Jesus originally told this story, he was talking about himself and his work. He was the sower who scattered the seed of God’s word. Much of what he said and did met with little or no response from people. What he had to say very often fell on deaf ears; what he did was often misunderstood, even to the extent that some people accused him of healing others by the power of Satan. The people he had chosen to be his closest followers often let him down badly and showed themselves to be unresponsive pupils. Yet, Jesus was saying in this story, that, in spite of all these obstacles and failures, he would continue with the work that God had given him to do. He would keep sowing in spite of unfavourable odds, because he knew that at the end of the day, the harvest would be great, or in the words of today’s first reading, God’s word would not return to him empty.

 In telling that parable, Jesus was not only speaking about himself and his life, he was also giving us a way of looking at our own lives. The parable suggests that there are times in life when we need to keep sowing even in the face of unfavourable odds. This was the Lord’s way and we may be required to travel this way too. This is not to suggest that we are called to keep hitting our head off a stone wall indefinitely. There are situations in which the prudent thing to do is to throw in the towel. There were towns that Jesus simply had to walk away from because no one wanted him there. Yet, there are times when we have to keep on doing whatever good we can, even when it appears that the obstacles and the difficulties seem insurmountable. When we are engaged in something worthwhile, and things are going against us, we could probably find all kinds of reasons why we should pull back or give up. We may think that we are not getting the support we are entitled to, or that we are doing more than others are doing, or that our efforts are not really being appreciated. Various versions of the birds of the air and of the rocky and thorny soil can threaten to wear us down. In such situations the Lord may be calling us to be faithful to the good work we are doing. It was mother Teresa of Calcutta who said that the Lord does not ask us to be successful but to be faithful. When we look around us we can see examples of that kind of fidelity in the face of huge odds. I think of those who look after an ailing family member, who are faithful to the work of care, in the full knowledge that the family member is never going to get better, or the person who continues to invest in someone even though the return is minimal, or those who keep working way at some worthwhile cause even when they seem to be getting nowhere.

 This kind of human persistence is an image of how the Lord relates to each of us. The parable suggests that the Lord gives the most unlikely places the opportunity to receive his word and respond to it. The human tendency is to assess the likely return before making an investment. We do our research, we satisfy ourselves that the outlook is promising and we go for it. Today’s parable indicates that the Lord is not nearly as calculating as we often are. He casts his word, his Spirit, liberally, without discrimination. The unpromising soil is treated as generously as the good soil. This is in keeping with what Jesus said of God a little earlier in Matthew’s gospel, remarking that God makes his sun rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous. This is not meant to make us complacent. But it is reassuring to know that God is wasteful and persistent in our regard; it encourages us to keep on responding to him, even after failure.

Fr. Martin Hogan

[chaserevel]

I like writing on airplanes, I think. Transition periods, my head in denial of its patience. We need tension for something to talk about, don’t we? It kind of makes sense, story-wise. But you’d think that the benevolent would be a bit smarter. Like I said, it makes sense, but why are we all rooting for the bad guy? In ever other story—well. Actually, what I was gonna say is wrong. The person who causes negative tension is generally the bad guy, always. But, if there is no ability for negative or positive tension, there is no moving forward. There is no becoming something better, something more than yourself, presumably, in this case, because you are at the height of what you can be. 

But how could you say that? 

It’s not true, at least for humanities sake. Maybe it is more fulfilling, maybe there would be a certainty there, but there is so much beauty in pursuit. In chase. There is so much to be gained from not knowing. And maybe there is pain, but isn’t it worth it? Does it make the accomplishment feel sweeter? I think that it is saying very little of humanity to throw them in paradise and expect them to stay there. Because this follows something’s logic. But humanity’s logic is another beast. A beautiful one, if sometimes not complimentary to reality’s. Humans made those stories. Humans have made all stories, or at least, it takes a human mind to hold a sequence of events in that perspective, probably. Are we really alone out here? Maybe. But again, we have a lot more looking to do. And honestly, I don’t know how the logic works, but a lot of us like more than one project.

It sometimes feels hard for me to take place in reality, which is obviously why I’m working on it. Maybe that’s why not questioning things is considered so great. Not because it’s great, but because it’s the opportunity to be present, which obviously has its benefits. And maybe that is how we’re meant to do things, to move forward, to appreciate what we have. But again, I doubt there’s any way we’re meant to do anything. It’s our choice, but it does seem relatively universal that to act you must be present. But to think you often need to leave. Go somewhere else, your own logic. And there is something to be said for the power of imagination. Because if you can balance here and there, you can bring creations from your mind into the world. But that balance is extraordinarily difficult sometimes, depending on what you’re doing. But we do often imagine a way. It’s simply about having the right tools, organizing/planning, and being able to act. But that’s harder than it looks, sometimes, if you’ve got the kind of mental block that I’ve had. But we’re chipping away.

So what is the block? What is it made of?

Fear, the “if it’s not quick it’s not worth it” impatience, the ending-seeking mindset. Things more deadly than they look. It goes deeper than that too. The way I was raised—money over career choice, the years and years I spent reading about musicians who never really did music, the stories in the news that they have no money and aren’t happy.

I feel like I’ve felt nothing but disappointment, so therefore it’s never worth it in the moment. But that’s not true, in either category. I’ve tricked myself into that because it’s easier to not try. But I don’t want to do that anymore.

But how do you move on from what feels like a life’s worth of disappointment? How do you believe in yourself again? Emotionally?

It’s about emotional proof. So reminders of what you’ve done, right before you try again. Also maybe keeping a schedule so it feels like it’s in control?

I’m really glad that I’ve finally started to look into this Adhd stuff though. Cause if I go through with it, that changes things, that’s moving forward. Hallelujah. Doesn’t really feel the same as I put it in my journals though. Less like crusading for a burning cause and more like four steps forward three steps back, emotionally, for me and everyone involved. I’ll tell you? Four steps forward three steps back does not feel good. It feels like you’re just failing you way to success.

I guess success doesn’t really feel like you’d think it would. I mean maybe you don’t have to think like this, but it feels like most of it could always be better. That’s why deadlines are good, because you get things done, but do they ever really feel done? I guess maybe that’s why multiple deadlines are good. Because at some point you have to transition from seeing all of the flaws to seeing all of the beauty. And that’s why success feels so strange, because you think it’s just watching beauty building, but it’s not. Its: great idea—>how do i do this—>shit this is terrible—>this is horrible—>why did I even try this—>oh well maybe it’ll be okay—>people could really love this, I could really love this, it just has to be done.

So it’s a process I guess. You just don’t wanna end it it too early. It’s so so so many broken pieces until, at the very end of the curve, it’s becomes something tangible. Which feels kinda stupid in the short term, because the whole point is that tangible thing that you can point at and say “I made that.” It’s not exactly something for the impatient, not something for the “if it’s not worth it now it’s not worth it” kinda folks. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be sweet in the end.

It’s funny cause I’ve been drawing this

Over and over again. But I haven’t made something clear. I always assumed that the little man on the ‘now’ side takes a leap, and will sometimes fall into the failure pit and have to climb back up to ‘now,’ and otherwise he’ll leap and make it to ‘success.’

But that may not be it at all, you see? Because yeah, when it comes to immediate-feedback risks, like telling someone you’re interested in them, that is how it goes. Because you can jump straight into success without ever experiencing emotional failure.

But I’m thinking with any goal you actually have to work for? You’re jumping straight into that failure pit, knowingly. And the work is just climbing up the side of ‘success.’ And you could also climb up the other side, just to feel like you can try again, but obviously it’s a better idea to persist because they’re both a lot of work and you wanna get things done.

Maybe that’s what they mean by ‘honoring the struggle.’ It’s less honoring it, and more just acknowledging that it’s something you willingly shoulder and chip at to achieve things, rather than just expecting that you can create something you’re proud of without ever feeling emotional failure/loss.

Ugh. Accepting the things you can’t change, though. What a doozy.

Because, you see, that’s how you be a good leader, that’s how you play the game of reality. But sometimes it’s really difficult to distinguish, because the very things you’re trying to achieve are also considered impossible by others. Fact of the matter is, as fun it is to come in with a blaze of destructive glory, it’s a lot more possible to do what you’re trying to if you know which sets of logic you’re defying. If I’m working on music so I can have a music career but have been unable to do so for 6 years despite desperately wanting too, I’m defying my logic, but complying with the logic of society and reality. If I’m Elon musk, I’m defying society’s logic, but likely not my own, and certainly not reality’s. I think it’s probably impossible for us to fall outside of reality’s logic, especially because we don’t know exactly how it works, but that’s not really the issue at hand.

What I’m trying to say is that you can succeed at the “impossible,” but you can’t defy the logic of success if you want to succeed. And while that logic is gonna vary, and while you’ll never know exactly what you have to do, I think that having this perception of success’ logic is a close enough guide that you might actually have a chance.

[everydaychurch]

FIX YOU by Warren

Fix is an interesting word. As a verb it means to repair, to mend, to put in order or in good condition; adjust or arrange. As a noun it means set,  rigid or solid form.  Stable or permanent. Settled. Strangely in some ways you can combine the use of the two variations into one sentence. An example would be something like the following; "I am going to fix up my old Chevy and put it back into vintage shape so I can become a fixture in the vintage car scene"

Interesting that most people, to some degree, if they acknowledge it or not are trying to fix something in their lives. Maybe its something deep; like the effort to fix a broken down relationship. A marriage perhaps, or a father and child who have broken down communication. Perhaps its a vice such as drugs or alcohol, or something simpler like losing your temper, swearing, smoking. Someone might be fixing their economic status through education or job training. I have a fondness for an old Coldplay song that has some deep lyrics in regards to the word Fix;

"When you try your best but you don't succeed.When you get what you want but not what you need.When you feel so tired but you can't sleep .Stuck in reverse When the tears come streaming down your face .Cause you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste.What could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you.But high up above or down below.When you are too in love to let it show.Oh but if you never try you'll never know.Just what you're worth"

With respect to the writer of the lyrics Chris Martin, and I see the point he is making, I am not convinced he has the ability to truly fix anyone. Obviously there is someone he knows that has failed in fixing oneself. In a loving manner he truly is concerned and that is admirable. He emotionally expresses this in song and the song has registered in a profound way in the hearts and minds of his audience.

However, he is missing the point of admitting the fallen nature of human beings. Our fallibility and the imperfection of others. I certainly love my wife, but I cannot ultimately fix all the issues she is challenged with, the things she doesn't like about herself, the mistakes she has made and makes, or the pain she carries; nor can she do this for me.

I read a funny Christian comic the other day where a woman was having a chat with Jesus over a cup of coffee. She was telling Jesus how she felt so bad because in her mistakes she felt disqualified from doing the things He asked of her. Jesus asked her if she felt there was anyone who could be perfect enough to accomplish the feats she referred too. She replied "only Jesus" Jesus responded; "Bingo! you got it"

The obvious point being only Jesus is perfect and only Jesus can really fix us, and He wants to do this more than anything! Not just fixing the outward choices we engage ourselves in that are contrary to His standards, but the rooted triggers that plaque all humans and lead to the choices we make. The broken areas, the hurts, pains, loses, rejections, addictions. Like a doctor who resets (fixes)a broken bone. Fixing can also be referred to as Healing. Jesus wants to heal us.

How? It seems complex, but at the same time very simple. You mean we can relax and let God do the work of fixing us? Yes, if you allow Him He will lead you to wholeness.

In the Bible, Hebrews Chapter 12:1-2  says;

" Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

To be fixed we must fix are attention on Jesus

By faith we come to God and lay down the areas of our lives that need fixing. Jesus asks of us to fix our eyes on Him. In this scripture the word "author" meaning "prince, chief, supreme leader" Perfecter meaning "finisher or it is done" He is wanting us to turn our eyes away from the obstacles in our lives that keep us from the fullness He desires us to have. We can't do that in our own strength. We humans have purpose, we have a design created in us by God for His purposes that when acted upon bring an inseparable joy beyond our limited expectations. Jesus said this in John 14:12 "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father". Also in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

If you are a Christian and have had some years behind you as a follower you may be familiar with certain scriptures in the Bible and because you have heard them so many times you come to a place of glossing over them. I have done that more often than I like to admit. It happened to me recently.

I was a little frustrated with certain areas of my life and was doing my hardest to fix myself. All by myself. In the midst of a morning devotional God pressed me to open a certain scripture and let it speak to me. I knew the scripture He said to go to. I had read it many times. I have quoted it to others. I did what He asked and sure enough I saw it in a different light. A revelation that acted like an arrow to the core of my heart. The verse is 2nd Corinthians 5:17

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation”,

So, what does this have to do with Jesus fixing us?

The epiphany for me was simple; He already has. Jesus has fixed us. We have to by faith in Him walk it out. If old thought patterns come, this scripture serves as a reminder and is worth memorizing. If temptations come, remember who you are, the person metamorphosed by surrender to Christ. You are no longer what you once were before knowing Jesus. You have been changed. You have been set free. 

The old story so familiar to many tells the story of Jesus coming and opening the door to your jail cell, leading you by the hand to freedom. Freedom He paid the price for. Your sentence paid in full. How silly for you or I to continually step back inside the cell. The door remaining open, yet choosing to stay laid out on the hard cold mattress isolated and defeated.

Jesus is love. A love that goes beyond our conceptional understanding. How could we fully grasp? Jesus Christ gave His life for you and me. His life for us who had no merit when compared to a Holy and Perfect God who created ALL things. Its amazing. His word says this in Romans 8:5-11

"For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved ]by His life. And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation".

His suffering and death wasn't pretty. It was brutal, humiliating, and unjust. He did nothing wrong. When He was closest to death He declared "Father forgive them, they know not what they are doing" Men don't say those things when dying, but our Savior certainly does. His love for us is that deep. Love  further declared, confirmed, proven, and monumentally completed through His rising from the dead three days later. The moment in time when the world was forever changed, the Old Testament fulfilled, and the promised restoration long spoken of and prophesied "finished". Remember he is the author and finisher of our faith. He is our fixer.

If you have never heard the truth of Jesus and this resonates with you. If you know you need to be fixed, if life has beat you down, damaged you, I encourage you to take the step, by faith in reaching out to Jesus. Give yourself over to Him. Surrender your failed self sufficiency. Jesus is God. He loves you. He wants to form you to be like him. He forgives those who come to Him, who seek forgiveness and He wants to give you the freedom and new life He has for you. Come to Him. He is a relational God who wants to walk with you, teach you, help you. He forgives you no matter what you have done.

For those who have chosen to follow Christ, but who struggle with accepting the freedom and closeness and intimacy with God I encourage you to step back, let go, and remember that through Him you are a New Creation. Jesus paid the price to bring you complete freedom. Not partial freedom- complete freedom. You are no longer what your mind says you are, you are who He says you are. You are not who others say you are, you are who He says you are. you are an over comer of all things through Jesus. Trust Him.

I would welcome the opportunity to talk with you if you like. If you would like me to guide you through the process of opening your heart and welcoming Jesus into your life I am here for you. If you would like me to pray with you and walking you towards freedom in Jesus I am here.

God Bless you.

[tao-of-iron-and-blood]

Excerpt from Jack Donovan:

All Training is Sacrifice “Sacrifice myself to myself”

Bruce Lee wrote that: “Punches and kicks are tools to kill the ego.”

It sounds like mountaintop mysticism, like some far-out, far-eastern form of overdubbed, white-bearded enigmatic enlightenment.

It’s become a training cliche. Whether you are training with weapons or weights, someone will eventually tell you that your ego is your enemy.

The problem with that is, your ego is also — you.

People tell you to kill your ego because they want you to get out of your own way. They want you to stop acting like you already know everything, because by seeking out training, you’ve already acknowledged on some level that you don’t know everything.They want you to leave your status or perceived status in the world behind, so that you can submit to the learning process as a student — with no chip on your shoulder and nothing to prove.

They want you to train with humility and avoid hubris — an ancient Greek concept describing a man who overestimates his own power or status and brings himself into conflict with natural law, which is, from a mythopoetic perspective, the will of the gods. His hubris eventually leads to his downfall. In the case of training, a man’s hubrismakes it more difficult for him to learn and grow as a practitioner — his hubris becomes the cause of his stasis.

Conceit, hubris, arrogance…this kind of ego-tism is only one negative connotation of the word ego, which also describes a much broader concept of self.

“Ego” is actually a Latin word for “I,” sometimes translated as “I, myself.”

The Twentieth Century use of “ego” in English to mean “self” stems from the psychoanalytic work of Sigmund Freud, who used the simple word “Ich,” also “I,” in German. This seems less editorial and more in keeping with the Latin “I, myself.”

In the Freudian model, the super-ego, or Über-Ich is the ego above and beyond the self. It’s the part of the conscious and unconscious self that absorbs and processes collective identity as well as the demands and the norms of the group, culture, society — tribe.

If you train on purpose — if you train because youwant to train — your training is driven by the ego.

Voluntary training is endured in the service of the ego, with the ultimate purpose of validating the ego, increasing self worth and improving social status. You train because you believe that you are good enough to be better, and worth improving. Or perhaps you see yourself training for the sake of others, for the group, to protect them or fulfill a role you believe you are good enough and able to fulfill. If you train for honor — to be worthy of your peers, your ancestors, your gods — you train because you believe yourself to be capable of honoring them. (1) This too, is a product of your ego.  

The ego, in both the broadest and the psychoanalytic sense, describes your conscious mind. It makes up the bulk of your “I” or “Ich.” Your ego is what separates you from dust in the wind. It’s the part of your mind that is awake, sentient, self-aware. To whatever extent you are the master of your own fate and the captain of your soul, the “you” is your ego. It is your ego — inseparable from any knowable version of “you” — that perceives and processes information about the world around you, evaluates that information, and selects a direction or course of action. It is the ego that manifests will.

Men train in the service of a higher version of the self, imagined and willed into existence by the ego. Training is self-creation — becoming — not self-destruction.

The aspects of the ego which must be destroyed or contained in training are self-imposed scripts and limitations and habits which may impede the progress of your self-development.This is a pruning of the ego — a sacrifice of old growth to stimulate new growth.

This pruning may be painful as you clip away or brush aside cherished ideas about the talents or even perceived limitations that you believe make you special.

People seem to take almost as much pride in the untested reasons and rationalizations they’ve dreamed up for why they can’t learn in a certain way or do a certain thing as they do in untested delusions of grandeur — especially in this slave age that prefers victims to victors. Often, their perceived limitations are like those of a boy who believes he can’t swim or doesn’t like swimming because he fell in a pool once and didn’t know what to do.

The world is also full of men who want to tell you how much they used to lift or how fast they used to run, before they got “old” or suffered some injury that elite athletes work through all the time. “Limitless potential” is a fantasy, but most people set their own limits long before they come anywhere close to the top end of their potential.

While some believe they can’t when they can, many others believe they could when they probably couldn’t. Millions of doughboys overestimate their ability to fight because they won an altercation in high school once — or worse, because they’ve watched a lot of videos of fights and think they “have a pretty good idea of what they’d do.” You can find them second-guessing professional fighters and quarterbacks in bars and in front of television sets all around the world.

To truly become the kind of men who know they have the ability and the conditioning to do what these men merely believe they can do, these couch captains would have to abandon their self-authored fictions about themselves. They would have to go through a process of failing and looking stupid before they even started to look like they knew what they were doing — much less became truly capable of performing as they’ve imagined.  

To train successfully, you must be willing to sacrifice portions of your present self-concept to a future, higher version of the self created by your ego. It is your ego, god-like, that is initiating and driving the process of self-transformation and becoming. This process requires you to exchange something you have for something you want. Nothing worth anything is truly free, and everything worth having requires some kind of sacrifice.

Instead of “killing your ego” — instead of fighting yourself — approach training as a sacrifice of a part of yourself to a higher self.

All training requires some kind of sacrifice of self to self. Of something you have for something you want. Of something you want to do now for someone you want to be later. It may even be a part of you that you cling to, some idea about yourself that you’ll have to give up temporarily or permanently, because it is preventing you from becoming who your ego believes you can become.

The person who says “be yourself” or “just be happy as you are” is no friend to you. You can always do something to become better than you were. You can always continue to grow and make yourself better.

When you’ve decided what you want to learn or what you want to do or how you want to transform yourself — work to remove the internal obstacles that are preventing you from achieving mastery or realizing that goal.

Be the loosener your own fetters.

Determine what you have that you need to give up — time, money, work, habit, comfort — and sacrifice it on the bloody altar of that vision.

When you are tempted to feel burdened or victimized by the hunger of your vision for sacrifice, remember that you are the visionary — the father of it all.

You are the god, the priest, the slaughter and the harvest.

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 48)

The next day began with an ominous message from the Maker's Forge: Weiss' barrel of moonshine had spontaneously exploded while it was in storage.

“Don't worry: no one was hurt, and our insurance will cover the damage,” Penny translated. “Besides, it isn't as if anyone is surprised, just disappointed we won't be able to study it any more. If ever you successfully apply for a Potion Maker's license, we will happily pay you in materials and labour, and allow you use of our equipment to recreate it on-site, though please give us at least three days advance notice to prepare adequate safety measures and staff for the experiment.

“Signed, Maker Viktor Logos, Shift Supervisor.”

Weiss sighed as she ate her breakfast. “I don't know what worries me more: that my moonshine blew up all on its own, or that they actually want me to try and make it again,” she said as she picked up some fried tomato slices and brought it to her mouth.

“From what little data we did gather, it's got fantastic potential as a cheaper and more easily produced explosive component for grenades, or as an incendiary coating to darts and bolts that can also seriously debilitate targets,” Penny explained as she cleaned up the counter. “We don't have any conclusive evidence, but I wouldn't be surprised if it also works as an excellent medium for channeling elemental fire.”

Weiss looked blankly at her as she chewed. She swallowed, and asked, “Medium for channeling what now?”

“Fuel for magic,” Qrow muttered as he sat in the furthest chair from the sunlight, nursing his head and sipping the weakest, most watered down beers they had in the house. “Weavers can transform raw magic into whatever elements they want, but it's a lot easier, faster, and more sustainable to use something that's already imbued with what you need—poison, electricity, or just bursting into flames if you jiggle it a little too hard.”

“Think of it like your humans' magitechnology, using science to expand what used to be the sole domain of prophets, witches, and sorcerers to the common man, as the 'Computer Wizards' of Silicon Valley had,” Penny said.

Weiss nodded. It was a real game changer when they discovered that magic could be programmed.

Qrow took a sip from his beer. “It also lets non-weavers get in on that elemental action, like with soul fire throwers and grenades. And speaking of fire and explosives, there won't be any more of that when we open those lids later, will there?” he asked, looking at Weiss in a mixture of annoyance and worry.

Weiss sighed. “I hope not, and I'm afraid to think of what might instead.”

Qrow nodded. “Any more of these weird accidents happen, we're calling the Weaver's Terrace, alright? Because then I'll be pretty sure we've got a magic leak building up underneath the swamp.”

“What could be causing it?” Weiss asked. “Last I saw, none of us were burying depleted bullets or dumping barrels of radioactive waste in the lake, and my farming should be stopping it, not causing it.”

Qrow shrugged. “Maybe something washed in during the Flood, and it's reacting to all the magic building up for the Eve.”

“'Something...?'”

“It's not like we can keep track of everything that gets stuck here on its way to the Timeless Depths,” Qrow said as he took another sip.

Weiss sighed. “I hate this, not knowing what the hell's going on.”

Qrow finished his beer. “Get used to it; if there's one sure thing in the Valley, it's that you can never be sure about anything.”

Blake and Ruby came back from their morning patrol, and Ren and Nora returned to Keeper's Hollow some time after Weiss' cheese and sore-stiff ointment finished fermenting. Save for Zwei, who was still away at the Pits, and Penny, who was a golem, they were all dressed in safety masks, gloves, and makers' robes.

The watchers among them were armed, and wore their armour underneath.

They all stood around the lab in a semi-circle, with Penny acting as both the remote camera-feed for the others and the one to actually open the containers.

Everyone held their breaths as she began with the cheese.

Penny lifted the lid. Inside was a wheel of pure white, delicious-looking cheese.

It formed a face, depressions in its surface.

:D

Everyone screamed and jumped as Penny slammed the lid shut.

She carefully opened it again, just enough to peer inside.

D:

Penny closed it again, held it shut with both hands; Ruby and Nora quickly put a heavy cast-iron pot over it to keep it closed.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Weiss cried. “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!”

“Okay, we are definitely calling the Terrace for back-up,” Ren said as he stepped behind the line and pulled out his tablet. “That is just not normal.”

Within the hour, Keeper's Hollow was swarming with weavers and watchers, some of them going around with magic “dowsing rods” trying to find a leak, the others guarding the barn to ensure that whatever was inside couldn't get out, and the rest were interrogating Weiss and the others until a senior Weaver could arrive on-site.

It was all standard protocol, until Elder Goodwitch showed up.

All the Fae tripped over themselves in surprise and showing her the proper respects; Weiss awkwardly curtsied as she approached the group. She greeted them all briefly, before she got the situation report from one of the supervising watchers.

She turned back to them. “All of you, come with me,” she said.

Blake didn't need a translation to know what she said.

They were all back in the second floor, armed and outfitted, with back-up in the form of watchers with crossbows, repeaters, and cannons, ready to blast into non-existence the things that were in the laboratory.

One was the cheese, escaped from its prison and now shaped like a blob with a little antenna above it. The other was a mound of sore-stiff ointment, a bulging concentration up top drooping forward like a head. They were trapped in a magical field, looking panicked (the cheese) or annoyed (the sore-stiff ointment monster).

“What ARE those things?” Weiss asked.

“Elementals,” Glynda explained. “They're concentrations of magic and materials given life and rudimentary intelligence.” She looked at her. “You wouldn't happen to know just who made them, did you?”

“Are you sure this wasn't a freak accident because of the Eve?”

“Wild elementals are rarely this well-behaved, and more to the point, no one has ever reported seeing cheese or sore-stiff ointment varieties,” Glynda replied flatly. “Who made their base materials, the ointment and the cheese without the magical animation?”

“Me and Penny,” Weiss replied.

“Then one or the both of you kindly talk to what has become creations,” Glynda said.

Weiss paused. “Did we make these, the elementals?”

“One of you did, and I'd like to find out who, so we can safely disenchant them for study; elementals that have been violently dispersed tend not to leave much in the way of samples.”

“I'll do it,” Penny said. “Perhaps an excessive amount of my magical essence has leaked into them.”

Glynda nodded. <Let her in!> she called out to the watchers maintaining the field.

Penny stepped into the lab, the field closing behind her. The cheese was wary of her, but the sore-stiff ointment found her familiar enough not to raise a fuss. The others watched with interest and worry as she put her hands to the both of them, the energy from her fingers arcing into the two blobs.

<I'm attempting to communicate with them!>” Penny said, repeating it in Nivian for Weiss benefit.

After a while of only watching the expressions on Penny's and the cheese's faces change, she turned around with her hands connected to the two elementals.

<They're peaceful and wish no one harm, they're just scared and confused!> Penny said.

<Can you relay our questions?> Glynda asked.

<I'll attempt to!>

With pauses for Penny to interpret and clear up things, the conversation went like this:

<What are you?> Glynda asked.

<I am food!> Penny said, talking with a high-pitched, childish voice. <Be eaten, nourish others, yes!>

<I am healing,> Penny huffed in a deeper voice. <Life-blood for others, till last drop.>

<Who made you?> Glynda asked.

<Weaver did, Weaver did!> the cheese replied.

<Weaver did,> the ointment hummed.

<And who is your Weaver?>

The cheese frowned. <Weaver is Weaver!> Penny said for it.

<Weaver is Weaver,> the ointment hummed.

Glynda sighed. She turned to Weiss. “Either they're not that intelligent, or whoever made them was smart enough to cover their tracks.” She turned back to Penny. <Tell them we need to disenchant them.>

Penny nodded. <Yes, Elder Goodwitch.>

The cheese began to bounce about in a panic, the ointment rumbled and simmered ominously.

<No! Must be eaten! Must not rot! Must fulfill, fill tummy!> the cheese whined.

<Life-blood for others,> the ointment grumbled. <What Weaver wishes.>

<What Weaver wishes, what weaver wishes!> the cheese chirped.

Glynda frowned, and turned back to the others. “Well, the good news is, whoever made them didn't intend them to be anything other than what they are. The bad news is, we need to get rid of them somehow, because who knows how they think they're supposed to do that.”

“Should I try to talk to them?” Weiss asked.

Glynda nodded. “If you think it will help.”

“I'll go with her!” Ruby said, stepping up with her scythe.

“Then go,” Glynda said.

They went in.

Weiss frowned as the ointment and the cheese settled down once more. “Do I just… talk to them like I normally would?” she asked.

“I believe it would be better if you interface with them as I am doing,” Penny replied. “I am not speaking to them in words, so much as abstract concepts, emotions, and intentions, as they are to myself. Putting your hand on my bare chassis should be enough.”

Weiss looked at Ruby. She shrugged. “It's worth a shot!”

Weiss sighed, and did. The larger sections of rock that made up Penny's body were warm, constantly thrumming from the magic and the complex crystal arrays that were embedded inside. She watched Penny's green magic curl into her fingers, meeting above her palm, before it dove into her skin.

“Weiss! Weiss!” the cheese said—not Penny's voice, but an actual, high-pitched voice like a small child's.

“Weiss,” the ointment said in a much more reserved tone.

Weiss let go in a panic. “O-Okay, did anyone else hear the elementals saying my name?!”

“I didn't hear anything,” Ruby said. “Penny, did you say anything?”

“No, I was too busy transmitting and translating the elementals' thoughts into something Weiss can more easily understand,” Penny replied.

Weiss frowned. “This is getting REALLY weird.”

“Do you wish for me to attempt to convince them to let them be disenchanted?” Penny asked.

The two elementals began to make a fuss again. Ruby readied her scythe. Weiss hurriedly placed her hand back on Penny's chassis.

“Stand down, relax,” Weiss thought.

The elementals did.

“Weiss?” the ointment asked.

“I need you two to go back to normal,” Weiss thought, imagining the two of them back in their containers, white cheese and ointment that didn't move nor have faces.

“My purpose goes unfulfilled,” the ointment rumbled. “I was created to heal others, to soothe their pains, was I not, Weiss?”

“Yes, but I need you back in your container, NOT moving nor intelligent.”

“But then how will I serve my purpose?”

Weiss' face heated up as she remembered the sore-stiff incident, Ruby massaging her stiff and aching muscles, the sensation of her hands releasing the tension in her muscles, the ointment on her fingers seeping into her skin.

“Understood,” the ointment rumbled. “You or Penny may disenchant me at your will, I will not fight.”

“Wait there.”

The ointment pulled away, and climbed back into its container, and did so, still.

“You too, cheese.”

“No!” the cheese began to bounce once more. “I'll rot, then I'll have to be thrown away, and then I'll be useless! All your hard work for nothing!”

“I'll put you in the fridge!”

“But then you might forget me, and I'll get all moldy!”

Weiss sighed. “What will it take to disenchant you?”

The cheese smiled and stopped. “No disenchanting needed! Just eat me!”

“Eat you?!”

“Yes! Eat me!”

Weiss frowned. “Wait, wait, wait—let me get this straight: you WANT me to eat you?”

“Yes! It's what you made me for!”

“I… I don't feel comfortable doing that...”

“Then have Ruby eat me! She looks hungry, anyway. Has she had lunch yet? I don't think she's had lunch yet.”

“Hey Weiss?” Ruby asked. “Can we hurry this up? I haven't had lunch yet, and I'm getting really hungry.”

“See~? Let her eat me!”

Weiss looked at Ruby, then at the cheese. “You seriously want to be eaten?”

“It's what you made me for!”

“And you're not going to poison her?”

The cheese looked horrified. “Why would I?”

Weiss bit her lip. “… You're still safe to eat, aren't you?”

“Little floor dirt, nothing too bad! Barn is new, clean!”

“Then wait in your container, and Ruby's going to eat you.”

The cheese bounced happily. “Yay! Invite the others, too, I am delicious!”

It disconnected from Penny's hand, bouncing all the way back into its container and waiting there.

Weiss let go. “Penny, disenchant the ointment; Ruby… you're going to have to eat the cheese.”

Penny did that, putting her hand into the ointment and letting out a pulse that turned it back into normal, unintelligent, and non-moving matter.

Ruby just stared at her.

“… It wants to be eaten.”

Ruby shrugged. “Well okay, if you say so!” she removed her mask, and her gloves, came over to the cheese. She took a piece out of it, and ate it. “Mmm! This is really good, Weiss!” she said as she chewed.

The cheese wiggled in happiness, even if a chunk was missing out of it.

:D

Weiss face fell in horror.

D:

She came over, grabbed more of the cheese, and ate it too.

“Weiss!” Qrow cried. “What the hell?!”

“If this thing ends up killing Ruby, I don't want to have to live with the guilt!” Weiss cried as she chewed. “Plus, it's actually quite delicious!”

“Then who's going to end up getting roasted by Glynda over here?!” Qrow asked. “Shit! Outta the way, let me have some of that!”

Qrow made his way in as the watchers were beginning to dispel the field.

<What are they doing?!> Blake asked as she looked at the cheese, now a quarter eaten.

Penny told her.

Her eyes widened in alarm. <Fuck you guys, you're not pinning this on me!> she said as she made her way to them, shoving past Ruby who was trying to get seconds.

<Hey!> Ruby cried.

“Save some for me!” Nora said as she headed over, leaving her hammer with Ren before she took off her mask and gloves.

The other watchers stared, while Ren and Penny walked over to Glynda.

She sighed heavily. <If this ends up actually killing them, the revival priority is Ruby, Weiss, Qrow, Nora, then Blake, alright?>

<Yes, Elder Goodwitch,> Penny and Ren replied.

<Fuck me, why does this thing taste so good?> Qrow cried.

<It has a face! I shouldn't be enjoying this so much, but I am!> Blake wailed as she went for her third handful.

<Come on, guys,> Ruby whined, <I'm the one that missed lunch here, priorities!>

[aamilkeeyankhan]

Jim Carrey Commencement Speech

Transcript of Full Commencement Address by Jim Carrey, Maharishi University of Management, May 24th, 2014

Thank you Bevan, thank you all!

I brought one of my paintings to show you today. Hope you guys are gonna be able see it okay. It’s not one of my bigger pieces. You might wanna move down front — to get a good look at it. (kidding)

Faculty, Parents, Friends, Dignitaries… Graduating Class of 2014, and all the dead baseball players coming out of the corn to be with us today. (laughter) After the harvest there’s no place to hide — the fields are empty — there is no cover there! (laughter)

I am here to plant a seed that will inspire you to move forward in life with enthusiastic hearts and a clear sense of wholeness. The question is, will that seed have a chance to take root, or will I be sued by Monsanto and forced to use their seed, which may not be totally “Ayurvedic.” (laughter)

Excuse me if I seem a little low energy tonight — today — whatever this is. I slept with my head to the North last night. (laughter) Oh man! Oh man! You know how that is, right kids? Woke up right in the middle of Pitta and couldn’t get back to sleep till Vata rolled around, but I didn’t freak out. I used that time to eat a large meal and connect with someone special on Tinder. (laughter)

Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you. How do I know this? I don’t, but I’m making sound, and that’s the important thing. That’s what I’m here to do. Sometimes, I think that’s one of the only things that are important. Just letting each other know we’re here, reminding each other that we are part of a larger self. I used to think Jim Carrey is all that I was…

Just a flickering light

A dancing shadow

The great nothing masquerading as something you can name

Dwelling in forts and castles made of witches – wishes! Sorry, a Freudian slip there

Seeking shelter in caves and foxholes, dug out hastily

An archer searching for his target in the mirror

Wounded only by my own arrows

Begging to be enslaved

Pleading for my chains

Blinded by longing and tripping over paradise – can I get an “Amen”?! (applause)

You didn’t think I could be serious did ya’? I don’t think you understand who you’re dealing with! I have no limits! I cannot be contained because I’m the container. You can’t contain the container, man! You can’t contain the container! (laughter)

I used to believe that who I was ended at the edge of my skin, that I had been given this little vehicle called a body from which to experience creation, and though I couldn’t have asked for a sportier model, (laughter) it was after all a loaner and would have to be returned. Then, I learned that everything outside the vehicle was a part of me, too, and now I drive a convertible. Top down wind in my hair! (laughter)

I am elated and truly, truly, truly excited to be present and fully connected to you at this important moment in your journey. I hope you’re ready to open the roof and take it all in?! (audience doesn’t react) Okay, four more years then! (laughter)

I want to thank the Trustees, Administrators and Faculty of MUM for creating an institution worthy of Maharishi’s ideals of education. A place that teaches the knowledge and experience necessary to be productive in life, as well as enabling the students, through Transcendental Meditation and ancient Vedic knowledge to slack off twice a day for an hour and a half!! (laughter) — don’t think you’re fooling me!!! — (applause) but, I guess it has some benefits. It does allow you to separate who you truly are and what’s real, from the stories that run through your head.

You have given them the ability to walk behind the mind’s elaborate set decoration, and to see that there is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that’s going to eat you. (laughter) That may sound like no big deal, but many never learn that distinction and spend a great deal of their lives living in fight or flight response.

I’d like to acknowledge all you wonderful parents — way to go for the fantastic job you’ve done — for your tireless dedication, your love, your support, and most of all, for the attention you’ve paid to your children. I have a saying, “Beware the unloved,” because they will eventually hurt themselves… or me! (laughter)

But when I look at this group here today, I feel really safe! I do! I’m just going to say it — my room is not locked! My room is not locked! (laughter) No doubt some of you will turn out to be crooks! But white-collar stuff — Wall St. ya’ know, that type of thing — crimes committed by people with self-esteem! Stuff a parent can still be proud of in a weird way. (laughter)

And to the graduating class of 2017 — minus 3! You didn’t let me finish! (laughter) — Congratulations! (applause) Yes, give yourselves a round of applause, please. You are the vanguard of knowledge and consciousness; a new wave in a vast ocean of possibilities. On the other side of that door, there is a world starving for new leadership, new ideas.

I’ve been out there for 30 years! She’s a wild cat! (laughter) Oh, she’ll rub up against your leg and purr until you pick her up and start pettin’ her, and out of nowhere she’ll swat you in the face. Sure it’s rough sometimes but that’s OK, ‘cause they’ve got soft serve ice cream with sprinkles! (laughter) I guess that’s what I’m really here to say; sometimes it’s okay to eat your feelings! (laughter)

Fear is going to be a player in your life, but you get to decide how much. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about your pathway to the future, but all there will ever be is what’s happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear.

So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying, I’m the proof that you can ask the universe for it — please! (applause) And if it doesn’t happen for you right away, it’s only because the universe is so busy fulfilling my order. It’s party size! (laughter)

My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that was possible for him, and so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant, and when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job and our family had to do whatever we could to survive.

I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love. (applause)

That’s not the only thing he taught me though: I watched the affect my father’s love and humor had on the world around me, and I thought, “That’s something to do, that’s something worth my time.”

It wasn’t long before I started acting up. People would come over to my house and they would be greeted by a 7 yr old throwing himself down a large flight of stairs. (laughter) They would say, “What happened?” And I would say, “I don’t know — let’s check the replay.” And I would go back to the top of the stairs and come back down in slow motion. (Jim reenacts coming down the stairs in slow-mo) It was a very strange household. (laughter)

My father used to brag that I wasn’t a ham — I was the whole pig. And he treated my talent as if it was his second chance. When I was about 28, after a decade as a professional comedian, I realized one night in LA that the purpose of my life had always been to free people from concern, like my dad. When I realized this, I dubbed my new devotion, “The Church of Freedom From Concern” — “The Church of FFC”— and I dedicated myself to that ministry.

What’s yours? How will you serve the world? What do they need that your talent can provide? That’s all you have to figure out. As someone who has done what you are about to go do, I can tell you from experience, the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is. (applause)

Everything you gain in life will rot and fall apart, and all that will be left of you is what was in your heart. My choosing to free people from concern got me to the top of a mountain. Look where I am — look what I get to do! Everywhere I go – and I’m going to get emotional because when I tap into this, it really is extraordinary to me — I did something that makes people present their best selves to me wherever I go. (applause) I am at the top of the mountain and the only one I hadn’t freed was myself and that’s when my search for identity deepened.

I wondered who I’d be without my fame. Who would I be if I said things that people didn’t want to hear, or if I defied their expectations of me? What if I showed up to the party without my Mardi Gras mask and I refused to flash my breasts for a handful of beads? (laughter) I’ll give you a moment to wipe that image out of your mind. (laughter)

But you guys are way ahead of the game. You already know who you are and that peace, that peace that we’re after, lies somewhere beyond personality, beyond the perception of others, beyond invention and disguise, even beyond effort itself. You can join the game, fight the wars, play with form all you want, but to find real peace, you have to let the armor fall. Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory. (A sheet drops and reveals Jim’s painting. Applause.)

(Re: the painting) It’s not big enough! (kidding) This painting is big for a reason. This painting is called “High Visibility.” (laughter) It’s about picking up the light and daring to be seen. Here’s the tricky part. Everyone is attracted to the light. The party host up in the corner (refers to painting) who thinks unconsciousness is bliss and is always offering a drink from the bottles that empty you; Misery, below her, who despises the light — can’t stand when you’re doing well — and wishes you nothing but the worst; The Queen of Diamonds who needs a King to build her house of cards; And the Hollow One, who clings to your leg and begs, “Please don’t leave me behind for I have abandoned myself.”

Even those who are closest to you and most in love with you; the people you love most in the world can find clarity confronting at times. This painting took me thousands of hours to complete and — (applause) thank you — yes, thousands of hours that I’ll never get back, I’ll never get them back (kidding) — I worked on this for so long, for weeks and weeks, like a mad man alone on a scaffolding — and when I was finished one of my friends said, “This would be a cool black light painting.” (laughter)

So I started over. (All the lights go off in the Dome and the painting is showered with black light.) Whooooo! Welcome to Burning Man! (applause) Some pretty crazy characters right? Better up there than in here. (points to head) Painting is one of the ways I free myself from concern, a way to stop the world through total mental, spiritual and physical involvement.

But even with that, comes a feeling of divine dissatisfaction. Because ultimately, we’re not the avatars we create. We’re not the pictures on the film stock. We are the light that shines through it. All else is just smoke and mirrors. Distracting, but not truly compelling.

I’ve often said that I wished people could realize all their dreams of wealth and fame so they could see that it’s not where you’ll find your sense of completion. Like many of you, I was concerned about going out in the world and doing something bigger than myself, until someone smarter than myself made me realize that there is nothing bigger than myself! (laughter)

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul — one unified field of nothing dancing for no particular reason, except maybe to comfort and entertain itself. (applause) As that shift happens in you, you won’t be feeling the world you’ll be felt by it — you will be embraced by it. Now, I’m always at the beginning. I have a reset button called presence and I ride that button constantly.

Once that button is functional in your life, there’s no story the mind could create that will be as compelling. The imagination is always manufacturing scenarios — both good and bad — and the ego tries to keep you trapped in the multiplex of the mind. Our eyes are not only viewers, but also projectors that are running a second story over the picture we see in front of us all the time. Fear is writing that script and the working title is, ‘I’ll never be enough.’

You look at a person like me and say, (kidding) “How could we ever hope to reach those kinds of heights, Jim? How can I make a painting that’s too big for any reasonable home? How do you fly so high without a special breathing apparatus?” (laughter)

This is the voice of your ego. If you listen to it, there will always be someone who seems to be doing better than you. No matter what you gain, ego will not let you rest. It will tell you that you cannot stop until you’ve left an indelible mark on the earth, until you’ve achieved immortality. How tricky is the ego that it would tempt us with the promise of something we already possess.

So I just want you to relax—that’s my job—relax and dream up a good life! (applause) I had a substitute teacher from Ireland in the second grade that told my class during Morning Prayer that when she wants something, anything at all, she prays for it, and promises something in return and she always gets it. I’m sitting at the back of the classroom, thinking that my family can’t afford a bike, so I went home and I prayed for one, and promised I would recite the rosary every night in exchange. Broke it—broke that promise. (laughter)

Two weeks later, I got home from school to find a brand new mustang bike with a banana seat and easy rider handlebars — from fool to cool! My family informed me that I had won the bike in a raffle that a friend of mine had entered my name in, without my knowledge. That type of thing has been happening ever since, and as far as I can tell, it’s just about letting the universe know what you want and working toward it while letting go of how it might come to pass. (applause)

Your job is not to figure out how it’s going to happen for you, but to open the door in your head and when the doors open in real life, just walk through it. Don’t worry if you miss your cue. There will always be another door opening. They keep opening.

And when I say, “life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you.” I really don’t know if that’s true. I’m just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial so that I can deal with them in the most productive way. You’ll come up with your own style, that’s part of the fun!

Oh, and why not take a chance on faith as well? Take a chance on faith — not religion, but faith. Not hope, but faith. I don’t believe in hope. Hope is a beggar. Hope walks through the fire. Faith leaps over it.

You are ready and able to do beautiful things in this world and after you walk through those doors today, you will only ever have two choices: love or fear. Choose love, and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.

Thank you. Jai Guru Dev. I’m so honored. Thank you.