#and talk about something worth our time
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nomodernromance Ā· 5 months ago
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inkskinned Ā· 1 year ago
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it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
#warm up#writeblr#i spent a lot of time picturing our future#how funny to think: in each version of our future#i was never myself#i was someone smarter kinder braver#better adept.#who could navigate the way you shouted and got angry at small things and never fucking believed the best of me#i would never be needy and you'd never get tired of me#people usually talk about how we picture people as being ā€œfixableā€. but i assumed i was the problem. my idyllic picture wasn't of you.#it was a version of me that wasn't ill. that needed no extra help. that could be your wife and happy#the fact i wasn't happy was because there is something so wrong inside me. it's always been that way. i convinced myself:#if i stay i can change. if i stay i can make it worth it. i can apologize and fix this. and make us both okay.#for the last year i've been thinking about how you blamed our whole breakup on me. how it was my fault for whatever thing.#and i agreed with you. because of course i did. you'd trained me to believe everything was my fault . that you wanted to love me and i made#it far too hard. that i was always finding ways to ''set you off'.#a few days ago while i was doing something else#i realized that while i was in crisis you told me to fuck off and find someone else to get help. and you never fucking apologized .#you said i made you do that because i wasn't being sensible. i had been crying too hard to speak clearly.#you said: you're doing this to manipulate me.#you forgave yourself for that. i had to forgive you without apology. you said you were right to react that way. and then you were SO#SO annoyed. any time i said: i feel like you aren't nice to me. it is hard to trust that you love me.#i don't think about you that much anymore. but these days when i do: all i can think is that im not sure u ever really understood kindness#you were the cruelest to the people closest to you. and most of the time. that meant it fell to me.
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sydmarch Ā· 21 days ago
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it was so stupidly difficult to find any nutritionist who has experience with arfid & takes insurance so after having to go through all these referrals my therapist sent me & jumping through hoops I lowkey hate the lady lmao feels like such a waste of time & energy
#its only our third time meeting but its so beyond fucking frustrating to feel like we spent the whole hour going in circles & lowkey arguing#& like she never actually listened to any of the things ive told her. like the ENTIRW REASON i told her i was seeking extra help after#dealing w arfid type noncense all my life was 'achieving goal x is always kind of tough but im trying to do it while also achieving goal y &#im struggling with finding a way to balance the two things' like thats IT & then as shes suggesting things to try im like idk of those are#worth the effort bcus they conflict w goal y & shes like. have you considered not worrying about that so you can focus on x?#like NO bcus thats what i was previoislt doing & it doesnt fucking work for me! & she was just not understanding what i meant by adding#variety or having 'better options' shes all like. ok but even if this new thing conflicts with goal y it can just be another option for you#like thats not the POINT i already have enough options i can switch between that conflict with that like the whole point is i need to fill#the gaps w things that are nutritionally different. like if im ok with something thatll use up a significant portion of ny daily values of#shit then i already have multiple options that i actively like well enough i dont wanna waste my time adding more that are things i think#are just ok but take more work. literally whats the point of that#& im like i think rather than me just thinking of random shit i think i could try itd be helpful if I could like get some guidance on like#what are some things that fall into somewhere into this category or this adjacent category while also not being this other thing & then i#cab like determine from there what i already like & can try & add more of & things from that list that sound like sth i can try#& shes like well idk theres a lot of foods out there. YEAH ABD ISNT IT YOUR FUCKING JOB TO KNOW ABOUT FOOD? like i gave fairly specific#parameters this isnt like a 'list every food on earth' type of question what am i even paying you for if you cant come up with a list#like that. & she jept getting hung up on like well lots of things that are the most calorically dense are gonna be like that like ok it#doesnt have to be the MOST dense maybe think about it like 'the densest things in this other category' which sounded straightforward to me#but she was just like continuing to argue & also like getting hung up on reminding me that everything is dependent on portions like#I FUCKING KNOW?? like if a serving of something is like 10% of my dv id rather find something where a serving is 5% etc. idk how thats like#a hard concept like whats the point of adding something to be like oh sure ill have a third of a serving & get 50 extra calories out of it#be so fr rn im so beyond frustrated still even tho its been hours since i talked to her this is more stressful & annoying than the stress of#just trying to figure shit out on my own i fucking hate having to try & re explain nyaelf ivee & over & have someone just talk over me &#fail to understand what im getting at. im one more shitty session away from quitting & just resigining myself to 70% liquid diet#anyways#texticles
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todayisafridaynight Ā· 1 year ago
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So Allegedly Infinite Wealth is 100 hours... not that you can't already spend that long on the games if you really want to, but I'd say it's the first time that could be said to be the base experience rather than a time only hardcore completionists are likely to get.
Yokoyama was talking at length about wanting to make the game worth the price tag since the team is incredibly conscious about the value of the players' time and money. They essentially feel they owe players ten times what they paid, so they're aiming for "an enjoyable 100 hours, but also an unforgettable 100 hours."
If they pull it off, I personally think it'd be 100% worth it and not just a "well other studios are doing it so we can get away with it too" price hike... I'm at least happy to know that's not the intent, and I'm intrigued to see how everything pans out and what the ratio is between story and side content
oh yayaya i saw that article this morning!!! 100 hours is actually so unfathomable to me in terms of an rgg game- i mean y7 was At Minimum around 45~50 hours but when i think of other RPGS that easily dip into 70's and 100's of hours, i'm not too surprised to see LAD start to climb towards those numbers now. it'd be such a jump in rgg's terms tho, so i'm TRULY curious to see where the nearly doubled gameplay hours comes from..
i really appreciate yoko's respect not just to RGGS but also to its customers: they want to make a great product, but they also don't want to sacrifice what they want to do to do that in the process
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aenslem Ā· 10 months ago
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he does look good on his knees šŸ‘€
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l0ganberry Ā· 9 months ago
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Have you guys ever had to explain Welcome Home to any of your family members?
I did and I'm really glad to say that my own Grandma loves Barnaby too.
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She was asking me about what I wanted for my birthday so I told her about the Barnaby plush. Which, indeed resulted me to explain what Welcome home is. And I believe she likes it too.
She did said that she loves informational details and long texts. So it was great for me and her on both ends.
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millionsknives Ā· 1 year ago
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genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry
#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages#i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3#might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now.#unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year#just enough for today.#lately when i've been praying it just looks like#please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL#things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart#i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything#all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food.#in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared#just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself#i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try#but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH.#please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it.#talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things.#i just wish i had someone to sit next to me.#personal#i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.
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certifiedfae Ā· 8 months ago
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you either die mae borowski or live long enough to see yourself become bea santello
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wildevenusian Ā· 3 months ago
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i just donā€™t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you arenā€™t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl donā€™t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said theyā€™d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(ā€‹it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which wouldā€™ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually werenā€™t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so itā€™s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and iā€™m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus iā€™m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to peopleā€™s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict iā€™m blunt but iā€™m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so iā€™m not saying i donā€™t want to still be her friend#iā€™m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them iā€™m very much not and like. now that iā€™m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! iā€™m not gonna chase her down like theyā€™re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space iā€™m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. iā€™m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they werenā€™t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when weā€™ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? iā€™m feeling like iā€™m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man iā€™m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not iā€™m worth#which again. kinda wasnā€™t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i donā€™t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isnā€™t any!!!#and i canā€™t deal with that! i canā€™t spend my life with people who arenā€™t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. iā€™m gonna stop now lol
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palms-upturned Ā· 2 years ago
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#meg talks#suicide tw#nearly everyone i care abt rn is like so very suicidal rn and itā€™s making me. ghghfh#(IMPORTANT NOTE this is not me saying ā€˜ā€™donā€™t talk to me abt suicide rnā€™ā€™ i do not ever mind talking abt it ever ever#i am not ranting rn about not being able to handle the subject or complaining abt ppl talking to me abt it thatā€™s not what this is i prommy)#im just. the realization that there are ppl who go their whole lives without ever thinking that much abt suicide#and then thereā€™s those of who are disabled and/or queer and for us itā€™s just. a constant#for ourselves for our loved ones for ppl on the periphery of our circles like everyone we brush shoulders with#the amount of time we have to spend talking ourselves and others into just staying a while longer#bc itā€™s so fucking hard to conceptualize a future for ourselves for so many reasons#and even harder to make that future viable bc it depends on other people helping us#it just makes me want to fucking. idk! break something!#like how do you make people understand this if theyā€™ve never been through it#and how do you convince them that itā€™s worth it to try and understand where weā€™re coming from#when their default way of thinking abt it is that you only get to this point if u do smth wrong or just donā€™t try hard enough#or are some kind of moocher trying to exploit ppl who ā€˜ā€™work harderā€™ā€™#i fucking hate this so much#i just keep thinking about engelsā€™ explanation of social murder#and getting so angry i feel fucking ill#people are fucking killing my friends and itā€™s like all i can do is likeā€¦#try my best to plug whatever wounds i can manage meanwhile the killer is still fucking stabbing them over and over#anyway. god. again none of this is to say i donā€™t wanna hear abt suicide or anything#i like to know and be able to talk abt it frankly#especially if thereā€™s even the smallest thing i can do to help#im just like. suddenly hit w the disbelief of how many ppl go their whole lives without having these conversations#while me and my friends are having them multiple times a day bc itā€™s so fucking bad out here#insert disco elysium quote about the mask of humanity falling from capital as it kills your sweet courageous friends here i guess.#i just. wish things were better. how can people not wish that
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lightspren Ā· 9 months ago
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Ok so I keep freaking out about if I can actually do this dog thing, if Iā€™m actually enough. I love this dog dearly but iā€™m so exhausted all the time and thatā€™s made worse this weekend by being sick. and I know that love is not enough to give a dog what she needs to be happy and healthy.
however. look. my big concerns are not being able to give her the exercise and stimulation she needs and wanting to be able to just Chill and cuddle my spouse and cats in calmness. and like. sheā€™s almost certainly a great pyrenees mix. Relatively (as in, relative to other dogs I like, aka shepherds), she doesnā€™t need that much exercise. A good run in the yard a few times a day should do her, especially once sheā€™s not so much of a puppy. And thatā€™s the thing tooā€” sheā€™s a puppy. Sheā€™s excitable and chewy and a Lot because sheā€™s 12mos old and still growing up. that takes time. and the cats are unhappy and wonā€™t come cuddleā€” because sheā€™s been here four days! theyā€™re still adjusting!
i really need to take a step back and calm down. four days is not long enough to throw in the towel on this. sheā€™s a puppy and weā€™re all adjusting but there is room in our lives for her. we can do this. i just need to fucking chill for maybe like five minutes and understand that this is an adjustment for the humans too, and thatā€™s okay. I just need to chill.
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halfricanloveyou Ā· 1 year ago
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just wrote out a multi-paragraph well thought addition to a post about modern day farming that i tried to reblog and tumblr was like ā€œposting failed try againā€ and deleted everything.
that shit took me an hour i hate this fucking app so much
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mrfoox Ā· 2 years ago
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God im... Probably too nice but it's fine
#miranda talking shit#I wanted to talk about a thing but...noticed quickly that they were not in a good mood/mindset so ofc i didnt even bring it up#I mean the talk was good anyway. I think he... Needed that. We talked about feelings and how to handle them#And at one point he stopped and turned to me and went 'that thing you said about getting another perspective on it... Thats smart. Thats#A very good idea. Im going to try that' not like im good at dealing with emotions. But i try to and that's a thing i know have helped me at#Times. Discussed our goals/dreams and well... I cant agree with his or understand it at all but as long as he thinks thats what he wants#Then im not going to argue. Love how he always drone on about he doesn't care about anyone or what anyone thinks but still wants to hear#What i think. I told him that was funny to me. Bc imo one doesnt ask about something one doesn't care about or have any interest in...#He's been a lot more... Curious about what i think about things and its fun. Personally im just fairly weak in my opinions. Not many things#I think are worth fighting over or arguing over tbh. So im used to just listening and nodding. But that may annoy the shit out of him lmao#That might be why he asks me about my opinion bc im so quiet and passive . But yeah very interesting to discuss#Mainly bc i havent heard anyone have that kind of opinion and goal of their own so it was fun?#But yeah ngl i love hearing people say im wise or smart. Bc i obviously dont hear that often. So when i do im like ah ... Thank you šŸ˜­#Its bc im not book smart but i guess im emotionally smarter or whatever. In general i just enjoy making people think about other perspectiv#Bc i always do that and enjoy it. Think many are unintentionally stuck in their own way of seeing things and everything become so black and#White. To me the world isnt . I wish it was but no everything is gray with many shades lol#Also me doing and example: 'i dont think everything is your fault oliver. I think its my own'#Oliver serious: yeah well i dont think its your fault either Miranda.' i almost cried like... He didn't have to say that i was obviously#Doing an example and joking ? But he still ... Said that and im like...thabk you for reassuring me...#And he really went 'i fought hard to be the one that came by here today. It was going to be another guy which me and magnus hate. So i#Fought hard to be able to come here instead' and im like šŸ„ŗ... Thank you... I wasnt there to fight but thank you for doing that...#I mean im guessing he also enjoys our conversations so i dont think it was a selfless thing but it made me happy :')#If i could have any say I'd basically only have magnus and oliver come by me but i know thats not how it works but it made me happy that he#Went out of his way to get it changed. I need to thank him again next time... At least he seemed to be a little lighter leaving than when#He came. So i hope our discussion was a bit helpful at least. Something had happened and i asked him if he wanted to talk about it#And he said no first and then 'maybe. We'll see' which to me is major bc uh.... He usually dont ever talk about anything happening actively#To me. Usually he comes and shares it 6 month later or something. So... Trust increase? I hope im rubbing off on him in healthier mental#Ways. Considering he's gone from saying nothing about himself to trauma dumping ... I guess something has changed. God i just#Want to pick his brain about everything for real. He has such diffrent values and priorities than im used to and anyone i know have. I love#Hearing all about it. Ive told him before but if we didn't meet through this... Unusual way. We'd never would have naturally. And if we did
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oddogoblino Ā· 13 days ago
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The winter's call is cruel. We were made to rest more these times, but since we don't, our minds call for us to rest the only way it knows how. To make us feel unloved, take away what drives us to stay awake. Go rest. Go rest. No one is searching. But it's not true. There's always someone you care about looking. But I'm just so tired. And no one is here.
#oddito ramblinos#personal post#vent post#theres too much guilt in shame in turning to anyone for help- especially when i know i cannot be saved#i cant make out my own feelings and it brews a selfishness in me. I cannot care for others so i dont deserve others care for me#It feels shameful to admit i need help when I dont know anyone- no one cares for me that deeply to need to bear my burdens#there was only one but our demons destroyed us and i couldnt do that to him anymore. But i dont have anyone else.#i am alone to bear the burden for others. I am alone to bear the weight of people's problems. But i am weak and cannot hold strong#why would anyone want me this way?#change is hard but to be better it takes one step at a time#if i knew what that first step was though- I'd do it already#theres so many steps i could take. I cant tell which one to take first. Where will it lead? Will it be worth anything?#for now. All i suppose i should do is sleep. Its 9am though i did sleep til 3am#funny how i cant talk to anyone about my sinking but i can post for strangers to stumble upon. Guess it just feels less personal this way#i dont know if i want to be cared about or if im some kind of attention seeking parasite. The problem is always me i know. I hate what i am#i am no longer human. I dont feel like it. Ive always felt like a machine or something otherly not welcomed by mankind.#its silly i know#my eyes hurt. I should sleep. Will anyone be waiting for me? Probably not. But its nice to hope I'll belong somewhere
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humanityinahandbag Ā· 2 months ago
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I'd like to tell you all a story about my grandmother.
My grandparents raised their children, four girls (one of them my mother), to be fighters. My aunts marched in Washington for women's rights with babies strapped to their chests and like to joke that all of the grandchildren who came from that line (including myself) were born with picket signs in their hands.
But it started with my grandparents. They fought hard for what they believed in. They marched against Vietnam. They marched for Martin Luther King. They marched for women's rights. They marched for a better future.
But let's talk specifically about my grandmother for a moment.
My grandmother unfortunately passed away in 2016. She had to watch the first Trump election and did so knowing that it would probably be the last election she'd ever see. And there is some argument there that she could have given in to fear and defeatism. She could have decided none of it was worth it, and she could have decided that fascism had won and the world was over.
But she did something else instead.
To give some context, my grandparents had friends who were Republicans. I say were, because they shifted from the normal Republican towards the MAGA Republican we see today. And despite a very clear message from my family about how we felt, they were more than ready to still come to the funeral as if everything was normal. Like their beliefs were normal. Like they were welcome to celebrate someone who had fought so hard for the rights of other people.
These were people who would have absolutely used their rhetoric to scream and shout if they were left out or disinvited.
And so my grandmother, even past her final moments, pulled the most brilliant, petty move I've ever seen.
She'd decided ahead of time that everyone who had known her was more than welcome to attend but that she wanted everyone attending the funeral to donate money. That was the requirement to be invited. And so everyone did just that. There was no talk about what the donations were for, just that they were appreciated. I want to say that the assumption was the money would help pay for funeral expenses and give the family some support while we grieved.
Except that wasn't the case.
Because in those final moments of the funeral, the rabbi stepped forward to thank everyone, and then very cheerfully announced;
"Arlene was so happy to know just how many people were coming to join us here today. She couldn't have been more proud of her family. And I'm sure she would have been elated to see just how much money you all gave today to Planned Parenthood."
When I say that the faces of those people are enshrined in my memory, I mean it. The anger, the devastation, the rage, the betrayal. It was an absolutely gorgeous display of true defeat at the hands of a boss ass old lady who literally fought with her last breath and threw up both middle fingers all the way out the door.
What I'm saying is this.
It is very easy to feel defeated. It is very easy to think that everything is over, and there's nothing left for us to do. It's very easy to say that fascism won, that fear won, that hate won.
But that's only true if you let it be true.
There is always more that we can do. There is a future that is still worth fighting for. And it's more than possible, even when it doesn't seem like it.
And fighting is going to look different every time.
Some days it will look like picket signs in our hands.
Some days it will look like spending time with friends and family and people you love and knowing that you have a community that supports you and your vision of a brighter future.
And some days, it's pulling absolute natural level 20 petty trickster shit even after you've left the world.
Because you can always make an impact and you can always add a little brightness to life, and if that means tricking a group of MAGA idiots into throwing their money behind Planned Parenthood in the middle of your own goddamn funeral then that's what it means.
Keep fighting. People have done it before you. People will continue to do it after you.
And enjoy the little victories.
(Even the petty ones)
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raeathnos Ā· 6 months ago
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#the heat index is 101F and our ac has been broken for the past three weeks at work#I worked an 8 hour shift Iā€™m exhuasted + Iā€™m sure I have heat exhaustion (again šŸ™ƒ)#and like my cheap asshole father comes to pick me up with no ac on in the car šŸ« #he argues all the goddamn time that the ac uses up so much gas and that wastes money and okay whatever thatā€™s stupid#like do you want me to just fucking pass out in the passenger seat?#and heā€™s mad at me cause I may have snapped#but like again 101F outside no ac at work and Iā€™ve had heat exhaustion every day for the past three fucking weeks#itā€™s literally a two minute drive home#but yeah Iā€™m not worth two mins of ac#he has been extra nasty and having extra attitude and Iā€™m fucking done#when Iā€™m home I literally donā€™t leave my room anymore#dadā€™s also treating mom like shit which is like#I have issues with her too but idk what his fucking problem is anymore#and then she makes her problems everyoneā€™s problems#so theyā€™re acting like I need to fix how they treat each other#they shouldā€™ve got fucking divorced years ago#I keep telling them to go to fucking marriage counseling or something but nope#the thing is despite being shitty they are both still my parents and it is hard to hear them talk about each other that way#hence why Iā€™m like begging them to either divorce or get counseling#but nah then they just turn it back on me and Iā€™m terrible cause I donā€™t want to help them work through their problems šŸ« #sometimes I think they literally had a kid so they could just blame everything wrong with them/their lives on me#I leave for vacation in like a week-ish and oh boy I cannot tell you how relieved I am to be getting away from them for a bit#Iā€™m sure itā€™ll be a shit show when I get back but thatā€™s a problem for later me#I just need a fucking break from the shit I put up with at work and the shit I put up with at home
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