#and suddenly i was part of a real community based on real connections and not the clout of who can be The Funniest

[shithowdy]

let's hear it for the OCs that force you to improve as a person due to the mindset it requires to roleplay them

[ever-go-on]

thoughts on false-positive alter recording and alter fixation (or: i used to think a lot of symptoms were alters when they were not)

or: how the online DID community can exacerbate identity issues and further fragment a person's sense of self

warning: very long post. personal and subjective experiences ahead.

i'm going to start this by saying i have DID. i've been in treatment for three years and my trauma recovery journey is intrinsically linked to me acknowledging and integrating my other selves. part of this journey has been recording and identifying my selves when they emerge. this is easier said than done.

even earlier than professional treatment, i've been in online system spaces for five years. i discovered my parts about a year after a stress and trauma based breakdown in 2018. i didn't have access to therapy at the time, so i went online to get answers and for models of how i 'should' be approaching my revelation.

the first advice any questioning system gets is 'try to communicate with your alters'. i was advised to journal and talk to myself. i went and did that on my own, and made decent small progress seeing my different mes express their opposing views. alongside some unfortunate triggers that brought parts to the surface, i began to identify an angry part, a child part, a calm and reasonable part, amongst others. i became aware of how my identity was fragmented between my different self-states, which i could seem to switch between at the drop of a hat. my partner at the time helped me, by telling me about switches they witnessed, and noticing and talking to my child part when they emerged during a flashback.

after a while i really wanted to start understanding what was going on, so i started joining discords and communities. it was here i got a faceful of what alters 'should' look like. every alter had a name and age. every alter had a sexual orientation and internal appearance. every alter was distinct.

the way alters were identified was also different. it wasn't "someone shouted at me and i acted like a completely different person", or "i was told i had a flashback, but i don't feel connected to the memory". it was mostly about identity.

the signs you were (or had) a new alter included:

identifying as a fictional character

suddenly rejecting your 'real'/host life and identity

suddenly deciding on / showing signs of a wildly new identity

in my experience, this altered identity-first approach to identifying alters is misleading. it's led me to some embarrassing inflated alter counts. i want to talk about it in this post.

a core of DID and a large part of its sister disorders is dissociation, and dissociation is confusing, unclear, and sudden spikes are often temporary and brought on by stress.

unfortunately, in the very alter-centric DID communities online, it is easy to develop a bias towards (new) alters being the only explanation for dissociative experiences. this way one-off moments of identity confusion and choosing a new appearance for the evening can become written into your alter lists for a very long time. you might assume the experience was an alter fronting, and because they were an alter, they will come back some day, prolonging the impact of the episode on your sense of self.

when this bias (towards thinking every confusing dissociative experience is an alter) is paired with the rhetoric that alters are whole, defined "different people", with no room for overlap, inconsistency, or blurred lines, it can lead to very messy issues in self-perception.

over the past five years, i have:

clung to a fictional character i admired or saw my experiences in and announced them as my whole self. dozens of times. these periods can last hours to days.

spoken to loved ones without feeling much connection at all, bordering on feeling like i was talking to a total stranger.

hated myself so much i rejected every identity i had, and decided the only way i could go on is if i lived as a totally different person.

these experiences aren't exclusive to DID. they're the experiences of someone with a poor sense of self and a tendency to dissociate. i've met many people with personality disorders and/or long term trauma that i've connected with over sharing these symptoms.

however, it is easy to see how any of my experiences could be construed as a sign of an alter. doing so, though, leaves you with:

a further fragmented sense of identity by assuming you had 'split' a new alter state that you didn't.

normalising not connecting to your loved ones, because they are 'not your' loved ones, just the host's.

seeing parts that hate your life and identity as abusive or aggressive intruders, rather than understanding the root cause within you (internalised self hatred).

i've fallen into all of these traps before, and i don't think there's any shame in misunderstanding your experiences. i've recently done a sweep of every alter i've ever logged over the past five years, trying to honestly evaluate whether or not each one was a real alter, or just a one-off name and identity confusion i assumed was a part, but was not.

identity issues and fragmentation are very distressing symptoms. some of the worst times of my life were when i had no cohesion between my selves: i didn't 'know' myself, and it felt like my head was full of strangers. it was hard to love myself when i didn't know who 'i' was, in multiple or singular state.

i have been much happier in recent years, having gone into therapy, a vast amount of integration happening, and getting a generalised better self-awareness, making it easier to identify my different selves, and feeling more confident telling when i am only experiencing identity confusion, knowing that it will pass.

nowadays, my alters don't look like they did when i was trying to fit into the DID community template. my alters don't have unique sexual orientations, and not all of them have internal appearances when i visualise them. at their core, they are parts of me who hold conflicting reactions to trauma, and all want different things to get their peace.

i am confident that every alter i engage with nowadays is 'real', because i have known them all for many years, and i understand how they think and function. there is nobody on my documentation that might just be a one-off moment of identity confusion, because i know how to identify my episodes, and know not to write them down as alters.

but, most importantly, i'm confident the alters i know today are real because i've removed myself from spaces that changed how i saw myself. i am confident in myself now, but i was not so lucky earlier in my recovery, and i find it a bit embarrasing.

i tend to avoid DID communities online nowadays, because of my bad experiences with the common rhetoric and the templates systems are expected to fit into. i don't fit into their boxes, and their approach doesn't speak to me. and that's ok. i'll stick to me, my loved ones, and my therapist.

sorry for the super long blog post, i had thoughts to get out. feel free to strike up a conversation if you connect and want to talk. this was a hard topic to broach for my wounded pride😅. i'd be interested if anyone else shares my experience. thanks for reading.

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

Hot take but I think what we saw in chapter 13 was necessary.

I don't think a lot of people realize how important it is for Araki to portray what he did, even if it extremely difficult to take in. Let me explain.

Araki has discussed about topics like racial and class disparity through both Steel Ball Run and Jojolion, but JOJOLands is different because the discussions are now very direct. We had Chapter 1 open up with police brutality and Chapter 13 open with intense bullying; both acts were committed by people of higher social standing/power and seemingly White (or white passing) and both are harming a dark-skinned queer individual. Not only that, remember that Hawai'i is an island stolen and colonized by the US and many indigenous individuals who were supposed to live and maintain kapu are being forced to endure housing problems, loss of culture, etc. due to gentrification and exploitation of its lands. 2020 was when we saw global protest towards the deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor due to police brutality, which has spread as far as Japan in terms of demonstrations and rallies. Araki has made it clear that he tries to take real world experience into his writing, and this is no different. He is also no stranger to portraying law enforcement throughout his parts without glorifying or downplaying their behavior.

As a mutual of mine (who themselves identify as a black GNC individual based in US) has put it, those who identify or even appear as Black while identifying as trans-femme or women are subjected to some of the worse kinds of oppression possible in America. Queer women of Color are one of the most susceptible to sexual violence-- especially when they are young, and the darkness of their skin really plays into it. This is transmisogynoir; it is a hard pill to swallow and acknowledge, even if it feels excessive, and its a multilayer of oppression that connects a person's racial identity, gender, and sexuality as targets of discrimination. It's the fact that one is POC, a woman, AND queer that makes one a target--- not just one or the other. You can’t turn a blind eye to this because it happen constantly throughout America's history and American society even today, but you can't simply water it down or downplay it. In fact, many victims of transmisogynoir have no choice but to downplay their experiences because of their Black identities or because they appear too dark to be taken seriously; when they, especially if they are Black, try to hold people in power accountable, these individuals are suddenly labeled aggressive, indignant, etc. and they are further discriminated for attempting to speak up. Dragona downplaying the bullying isn't them just trying to avoid further conflict but a reflection of how many who were in similar situations like Dragona are forced to simply forgive and forget the trauma they have to endure. To downplay it ourselves is reinforcing the narrative that individuals like Dragona in real life should remain silent and endure their harassment rather than rightfully protect themselves and others from it.

Another thing to add is that the way Japan portrays and treats the LGBTQ community, particularly the trans community. In Japan, the process to legally change your gender is complicated and requires a lot of steps that include, but not limited to, being diagnosed with gender identity disorder, proving you have no kids/guardianships, and sterilization. This causes a lot of individuals to be forced to quickly transition as a means of getting their gender recognized, which takes away the time to let them explore at their own pace, and this is due to how the process can lead to hindering career and life opportunities that wouldn't be hindered had they already transitioned or stayed closeted. Many Japanese trans individuals unable to go through the process quickly either remain closeted or move away from Japan to transition at their own pace. So, as a result, the trans community and its struggles is not as noticed compared to outside of Japan. Another thing to add is that the trans community in Japanese media is often portrayed as comedic relief or a gag. Oftentimes, the trans character or character who diverts from gender conformity (i.e cross-dressing, acting more flamboyant) is the butt of the jokes. Some thing to note is that, when Dragona was first introduced, a lot of people thought that Araki put Dragona in simply for comedic purposes. I had people joke about how Dragona is just there because they believed Araki is trolling. Not only that, the racial issues that Japan has often results in jokes towards non-Japanese individuals in media, especially if they are of darker skin color.

So, Araki putting Dragona in these difficult situations is also meant to subvert expectations that his Japanese, and possibly Western, audience may be expecting. The expectation was to laugh and toss Dragona aside as a single-dimensional character, but Araki instead forced us to face the trauma through Dragona's experience head-on. We are made aware of Dragona's situation, how real and difficult the struggle is, and we end up emphasizing with it rather than laughing at it. Through this, we get a glimpse into real life experiences of trans POCs without it being downplayed and have it show how Dragona is a fleshed-out character with importance to the series. As some have put it, this chapter proved that Dragona isn't just a side character but arguably a complex individual on the same level of importance as Jodio. I don't think it would have been easy to have the same impact if another approach was taken.

While talking to others who identify as trans and/or GNC about their thoughts on the chapter, I was told by many of them that, while Dragona's experience hits close to home and was hard to digest, they appreciate seeing it being expressed and hope it will help other people understand their struggles. One noted how the introduction of Smooth Operators with the backstory as empowering, seeing the Stand as a symbol of surviving the trauma that comes with trans discrimination. I do find this a bit telling with how many people online who are against Araki's portrayal barely mention what trans/GNC people have said about it.

My main concern, as well as what I see people have rightfully critiqued, is the excessive trauma reinforcing the fetishization and violent voyeurism towards trans individuals; it also reinforces the problematic narrative that dysmorphia can only happen as a result of trauma and the trans experience can only be full of pain. There's also the issue that Dragona's experience also happened while they were under age and their harassment is similar to that of Lucy. It's a common trope in Western media to put marginalized people into these situations while upping the ante simply for clicks and pleasure, and even worse when the character portrayed is a minor. As I reiterate, it is a very uncomfortable chapter to read and I don't find it enjoyable at the slightest. Just because I understand why it is necessary doesn't mean I condone the approach done. I also understand Araki as a Japanese man can only relate and portray a queer American's experience to an extent. But, at the same time, the exposure was necessary because it gives us the awareness and a voice to trans people that is lacking within media even today. We need to be aware and acknowledge what our BIPOC trans community goes through as a means of being better humans--- and especially our younger community members. We need to make our society safer for them so they can thrive and have the respect they deserve. Oftentimes, that starts with how they are portrayed and how their experiences are portrayed. While it is still a journey and not every representation will be perfect, we can't simply toss it aside and bash those who try to show something realistic just because it is uncomfortable.

I only hope that Araki wrote Dragona and these scenes as a result of doing extensive research and reaching out to actual POC queer individuals, particularly transfemmes/women, to understand their experiences and have their blessings to use their words to shape Dragona. I feel like that would show that Araki was serious about discussing these issues through his characters rather than simply using Dragona's traumatic experience it for entertainment. I have higher expectations for Araki now, knowing that it may not be the last time he shows a character experience harassment and possibly have Dragona be harassed again, so I will keep my eyes open for this.

[chefkids]

In your opinion, how could they have made Claire a better love interest? I’m a huge romantic, and even though I was suspicious of something between Syd and Carmy, I wasn’t really convinced until I saw the clear contrast with him and Claire. So as a pure hypothetical, how could Claire be made into a better love interest?

I mean I think there are two sides to this question: One is how could they have made Claire a better love interest who will actually end up with Carmy? The other is how could they have made Claire a better love interest who won't end up with Carmy but who most people would still enjoy watching as a character?

Dropping Claire out of the blue in Season 2 without even a mention of her before is just a very clear indication that she was never meant to stick around. If they wanted Claire to be someone serious for Carmy, either for endgame or at least believable for a season or two, they should have introduced her in the first season. The fact that she knew he was back in town for months, she was communicating with the Fak's and with Tiff, yet she never even approached him or tried to reconnect after his brother died or even just to pop by The Beef to say hi, just frames her as someone who was only interested in Carmy as a love interest for herself too. She saw him at the grocery store, thought he looked cute and had a glow up from high school, knew he was some big shot famous Chef and suddenly decided she wanted him in her life again.

There was no indication that Carmy was someone who she truly cared a lot about even if he didn't want to date her. Adding her in Season 2 felt like an afterthought and it made her seem like she was not actually as close and emotionally invested in him as she and everyone around her tried to make her seem. What makes Sydney more appealing as a love interest than Claire is that we actually see her care for him and his family and everything he's gone through even when she had no connection to him and when she had no real intent of pursuing a romantic relationship with him. Sydney cared about Carmy beyond just him being a potential boyfriend for her. If Claire had been shown to have an interest in Carmy outside of romance and we saw her be a part of his life, people could still have liked her even if they were meant to break up.

I'm sure in Season 3 we'll learn more about what happened after Fishes and what Claire saw and how/why they left things off when he went to New York and didn't talk for years. Claire and Carmy would have likely been in New York at the same, and yet again she didn't seem to make any effort to connect with him while he was there, and neither did he. Sydney found Carmy in New York and formed a connection, albeit one sided, by discovering his food and made an effort to pursue him, even just platonically. If they wanted to make Claire an actual serious love interest and the true long term love of his life since childhood, they needed to show that Carmy and/or Claire actually tried to reach out to each other during their time apart and actually missed each other.

They needed to build upon that invisible string that Syd and Carmy have. Carmy and Claire knew each other because they happened to be at the same place at the same time, they happened to have grown up together, they happened to have run into each other at a grocery store. Which is fine for the start of a relationship, just how Syd happened to try Carmy's food. But there was no push from either Carmy or Claire to have a connection other than the fact that they both happened to exist around each other. They have seemingly no similar interests beyond being raised in the same town. There was nothing to base their connection on in the show other than she is pretty and nice and he had crush on her. Adult relationships need more than physical attraction and kindness, there was no spark between them. There was nothing to indicate that Claire understood Carmy better than anyone else and vice versa.

Claire took it upon herself to try and push Carmy out of his shyness and took him to a party. She knew he didn't drink, she knew he grew up around alcoholics, she heard him say he wanted to leave as soon as they got there. Not everything about everyone needs to be fixed, and it's okay for Carmy to not be the type of person who enjoys parties or being around heavy drinking, even if he didn't have childhood trauma. Claire tried to change his interest, but Sydney never tries to change Carmy's actual personality traits, she just tells him when he needs to adjust his behavior when he's acting out. Claire used to be nerdy and not as pretty in school, then she changed and found herself to be a social party girl which she likes. She wanted to do the same to Carmy. What makes the audience like Carmy is the fact that he's not perfect, he's kinda awkward and weird at times, and that's okay. Having Claire try to fundamentally change the main characters personality and force interests onto him that he never previously cared about and even actively disliked just placed her in a bad light.

Carmy in his own way was trying to change her too, just less externally like her and more just in his head. He created an idea of what she would like based on what Sydney liked. Carmy would have actually had to put in an effort to know what Claire liked for us to know her and feel like she was a real character and person and not just a blank slate for Carmy to do whatever he wanted with.

There was also zero conflict between him and Claire for the most part. She was always available, never stressed, seemingly had no real problems aside from needing to move boxes for her mom and comfort crying Kelly. And it's not that she needs to be some traumatized or miserable person to be likable or to empathize with her, but even golden retriever nice guy Pete faces conflict in the show. The fact that Pete is not universally beloved and accepted as perfect and that he has conflict with other characters and even little bickerings with Nat like when he let Carmy use their freezer, just makes him a dimensional well rounded character even when he is a seemingly very normal level headed guy like Claire.

The fundamental problem with Claire is that she is tied to Carmy's past, and he does not like his past. He might have liked her in high school or had fond memories of her, but it is very clear he did not like himself in the past and everything he does with her reminds him of it. Claire would have to be written to have something new and different that makes Carmy want to connect with her and want to actually know her for her, if the show wanted any chance of Carmy breaking the connection he has of her with his past and making her a serious and believable relationship for him. There is nothing about who she is present day that has shown that Carmy really cares about her personality, and even she does not seem that invested into Carmy's personality without trying to change it to fit her own lifestyle.

If Claire had a discernible personality, a connection we actually saw with him beyond the romance, conflict with Carmy and other characters, she would have had an actual chance of being more appealing to viewers as a stand alone character, regardless of if they ended up together permanently or not.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Hidden message from an old friend"

-- REMEMBER THAT THIS IS JUST A READING AND IT MAY NOT CARRY THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR SITUATION! -- the best thing to do is to either communicate with the person if you feel the need or bring yourself closure, according on what your guts and specific situation are suggesting you. do not let a random reading decide for your life as it could be entirely wrong.

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read a message from an old friend that never reached for you but it may help you understanding something more about your connection or how it ended. thanks Anon for suggesting this

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one, there may be messages in each of those piles.remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3 4 - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

I think things changed or communication stopped kinda suddenly. Either of you felt like you didn't know what to tell the other anymore (you probably grew apart, it feels kinda natural as well, nothing too forced.. just life). For some of you, you had different views on parts of life or how to live it/what to do, or you had to heal something (maybe you had to heal something together and once you ended, so your relationship ended OR you had to heal something separately). Others simply got ghosted or ghosted the person (more likely the first one). I think your egos occasionally clashed or communication about some deeper stuff lacked too, which made it all crumble down. Ofc, it has not much to do with how you can still respect each other (once you realize there was no judgment -or if there was, it wasn't any of you's fault but just triggers- but only a natural flow of things and you were different people at your core -if applies ofc) even if you don't hear from each other anymore/you're no more in contact.

The message: I always appreciated how you deal with uncertainty and difficult times, your point of views. Your mind is very brilliant and strong. You are also very talented at what you do/are are amazing and I know you probably never believed me when I told you so, but I hope you can change this and realize your real worth. Remember to stay balanced and to trust yourself. You know more than you're aware of. Keep working on your passions, don't let them go. Things will soon be brighter for you. I will cheer for you from here and I hope you can do the same for me. Ps. At times I still miss you/think about our time. It was a good one, I hope for you too.

(For some: this person may come back in your life especially through text/sudden communictaion, up to you how to react -you can reach for them first as well, it depends on your situation and feelings-)

song: come | jain; the end | jpolnd

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pile 2

I am channeling "When you think of the past, you love me the most" (lyrics of the first song I wrote below). This person/you lighted up each others life until a certain period (probably even Christmas/winter as in the song) but then it stopped. There's something about finding each other in a dark/changing period and then helping each other coming out of it or making it better/supporting each other. Still, either of you probably closed doors on the long run because either of you were too stubborn or fixed. I think you met for a reason (which is related to make any of you's life at that time better) and then things had to end. Differences were too many, probably you felt betrayed or left aside, or they again were a bit too fixed on something that couldn't understand or open their mind to a different reason (especially if it was something you did or said or even thought and so you felt judged) or they felt betrayed by you cause you chose yourself once and they didn't even want to hear for reasons. I think something (an event/feeling) or someone came in between you two and changed it all. Ended it all pretty abruptly.

The message: I'm sorry if I have been so strict and fixed... I didn't know I had to work on that side of me and I had to learn it the hard way once you went away. Sorry you had to deal with it... I have understood your reasons, I have realized what I missed and I am sorry I failed you. Now I am more grounded, I am more aware, and open to communication (and to listen). I'd like to reach out for you again one day, but I think it would be too stressing for both of us, too weird... I'd like for us to live well and at peace now, as it was when we were laughing together at the weirdest sh*ts. Hope you can ground yourself as well and forgive me: pain/resentment will never last forever. Don't let me hurt you anymore.

(For some: if you have common friends you may happen to meet again -it could be a bunch of friends living in a different place)

song: our love will dry out on christmas | the electric diorama; closer to me | 5ive

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pile 3

There's something either you of them need to get out of your chest. Maybe you cannot give yourself a proper closure if you're no more in contact or if you're still in contact, you are hiding something from them/not saying something to them, and you feel you need to. Or you feel they're hiding/not saying something important to you. Maybe they have changed their behaviour with you for no apparent reason and it's stressing you a bit. You need to talk alone with them, and probably there's a lot you need to say or be more clear about or... you need to say/hear the truth. Emotions/feelings here are very hightened, it's like you're letting them take over and cloud your judgment: the thought of this person is causing you stress and overthinking. But indeed there's something that need to be worked on so to maybe help you bring closure (either to the relationship or this moment of pain -it can be both according on your situation). Just try to realize if you need this confrontation because it really serves you to feel better (even about yourself, to speak your truth) or if it's only your wounded ego jumping in.

The message: I'm sorry I am causing you this pain. Please, try to understand that this is hard for me too. Listen to your guts, I know you already have all the answers about us, but... you don't wanna listen to them from inside of you. You wanna listen them from me, right? ...Would it really be that different? You know things can change and you can change, you are already worthy and lovable, you don't need my words to know that. Please take it slow, give yourself/us time. Let love win, love for yourself in particular. Take a timeout to realize your feelings, to calm down. And then, if you'll still need to, let's talk about it all.

(For some: there may be romantic love involved here from any of you)

song: butterfly pt.2 | queen naija; song of the sea | lisa hannigan

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pile 4

It's a moment of reflection here, either that you are taking or that you'll need to take, especially if you are coming out of a period of turbolence and a rough ending. Healing is needed here (and it's happening or will soon). Or maybe you are not in contact with this person atm. Like you're living your life and they're living theirs. You have probably realized something, a betrayal or anything from this person or vice versa. I can feel there's anger for some of you, maybe this person "gave up on you", didn't take you into consideration for important stuff. You need to find a balance again between your inside and outside. You probably are losing hope on others or you're in a period of isolation as well. But what you can't see now is yourself and your worth and abilities, despite what happened. You're too focused on this person and how they acted. Try and take a breath and switch your point of view. It's not what they think of you that makes you you. Ofc you didn't deserve that, and ofc it pains you (so give it attention), but we cannot control others actions and reactions about us: overthinking them, won't change our feelings nor what they think nor what has been. We can only be sure about ourselves and maybe that this person wasn't who we would have wanted them to be (or we weren't for them -maybe you're also healing something related to relationships/friendships that blocked you in the past). Just let go of what/who is useless to our growth. It may sound harsh, but if someone only causes you pain or doens't consider you as you deserve to be, it's not someone worth sticking by hoping they can change. People change only if they want to, from the inside.

The message: Hey... How are you? I still think about us at times, you know? Our kid-days... We didn't deserve this probably, yeah. But there's so much you can't see, so much you don't know... maybe me as well, about you. And ofc I know every action brings a consequence, and I probably didn't do that on purpose, I don't even know... I probably only needed to do that to be honest, I felt like doing that. Maybe I (and you?) just needed to heal something inside, and I'm sorry you had to pay for it. I'm sorry, I didn't think about the consequences. But now don't let this stop you from going on. We need to go on. We can close this out, maybe even talk it out, if you want. But please, don't let this pain hurt you. Find a way to block it, please. For yourself, not me, so you can find better people for you and let them in.

(For some: they may be someone from your childhood, a close friend you're not very much in contact with or left you aside and/or now you only have random interactions with)

song: face down | the red jumpsuit apparatus; no church in the wild | madh

[nonaltercdd]

The dissociation part of CDD is so difficult to cope with I'm just chilling and suddenly I don't know who I am? I feel like I'm living someone else's life, like I'm a character in a video game And honestly it can be terrifying Especially when it happens and I'm not at home, there's no way to connect myself to myself, and it's happened for no apparent reason before I just, stop feeling like I'm real, or that other people are real Not recognizing that other people are real is maybe the scariest form of dissociation that I experience because I have to remember to treat them as people but they don't look like people and they don't sound like people And I have never seen anyone else talk about that

I think you're describing both depersonalization and derealization, both mostly derealization

And I get you, sometimes it's just so fucking scary seeing someone else you're supposed to know and care but not recognizing them at all... And sometimes it gets worst because you don't see them as real people, as someone who's alive, so you need to act like they do feel real just to prevent more shit to happen and not ruining things

Dissociation is a bitch when it comes to CDDs, and I completely relate to that

As I said, for being a dissociative disorder the dissociation part is not talk enough in the community and that's a shame because all the disorder is based on the dissociation

I feel you, I understand you, this experience that you're describing is very similar in my case, and most of the time, it's my biggest concern in my daily life

[silvrash-797]

@ladye-zelda, the fic you've been waiting for is here >:)

Brothers (pt 1)

Day 29: not allowed to die

Warnings: Legend mentions wanting to die (shhh, he's delirious)

Part 2

Read on ao3

Wild surveyed the battlefield from his vantage point in an old oak tree, taking out monsters as needed, keeping an eye out for each of his brothers. The lesser monsters had been eliminated, leaving only a few dangerous enemies behind.

All in all, the battle was going quite well.

Until suddenly, it wasn’t.

“LEGEND!” Wild screamed, watching in horror as his brother fell over a cliff, propelled by the massive swing of a Darknut's claymore. A flash of terrified violet eyes and glinting golden rings caught his eye before the Vet disappeared entirely.

“NO!!” Wild roared. He leapt from his branch, using the time dilation to fill the Darknut's visor full of arrows. He broke into a full sprint the moment his feet touched ground. Dashing towards the edge of the cliff where he last saw his brother, he threw himself off the ledge, ignoring the calls of his other brothers trying to stop him.

The cliffs were tall and imposing, and Wild's heart lodged itself in his throat as he looked for any sign of his brother. Please, pleasepleaseplease oh Hylia please let him be alive!

There! Wild angled himself towards a splash of red near the base of the cliff, deploying his paraglider at the last possible moment to break his fall.

He rushed through the surrounding trees to Legend’s side, sliding on his knees as he approached the crumpled form. “…Vet…?” he breathed, suddenly nervous and so, so lost. “Link?”

Wild held his breath as he examined his downed brother. Shattered legs, a broken arm, a deep gash through the tunic weeping blood from the Darknut's claymore, cuts and scratches everywhere from falling through the trees, So many injuries, is he even…

The barest motion in Legend's chest caught Wild’s eye; relief flooded his body as shaking fingers found the pulse point in Legend's neck and felt movement. Faint, too fast, but a pulse nonetheless.

“Legend?” Wild's voice broke, and he swallowed to clear the lump before trying again. “Legend, Link, can you hear me?”

Legend grimaced, an awful groan tearing itself from his throat as his eyes fluttered open, pain bright in his irises. “Wha'…who?” Violet eyes roamed aimlessly, until Legend blinked and focused on Wild's face. “Wil'…s'that you?”

Wild sniffed, tears threatening his vision and voice. “Yeah, Vet, it’s me.”

Legend seemed to ponder that for a moment before attempting to speak again. “’nd you're…real? …’m not…dead?”

Horror filled Wild, and he shook his head vehemently. “I’m real, and you’re still alive as long as I have anything to say about it.”

A faint grin graced Legend's lips, and he attempted a chuckle before breaking into hacking coughs. A small trickle of blood appeared at the corner of his mouth, and he sighed. “Goddesses can’t give me a break,” he muttered, “’vrythin' hurts. I don' think,” he gasped, “I’m making it outta this alive…” His eyes fluttered closed.

“No, Lege, don’t say that!” Wild protested, tears beginning to fall as he pulled a clean cloth from his slate and pressed it firmly to the gash in Legend’s abdomen. Legend gasped softly, eyes flying open in shock and pain.

“Wild, stop, t'hurts!” Legend coughed again, rasping and painful. “Just let me go…I can be back with m' Uncle…an' Marin…my family…” his voice faded.

Wild ground his teeth. "A wise man once told me that 'family is being connected by more than blood,'" Wild choked out from a tear-constricted throat.

"I told you that, Champ," Legend rasped with a raised eyebrow.

"EXACTLY!" Wild exclaimed, "We're family, Vet; you're not allowed to die like this!"

Wild’s slate chimed, and he fumbled to open the communication rune while keeping pressure on Legend's wound. “Wind! Is everyone else okay?”

Wind's voice crackled through the slate. “We’re fine! Everyone's freaking out that you just left, though! Did you find Legend? Is he…?”

“He’s alive,” Wild confirmed, “but he’s hurt really bad. I have fairies, but I can’t use them until someone helps me set his legs and arm! I’m doing what I can, but we need help now.”

“Okay, okay,” Wind’s voice faded as the rest of the Chain’s voices rose, then came back into focus. “Okay, Hyrule and Wars are using my deku leaf and Sky's sailcloth. They’re on their way! Hold on, Vet, d'you hear me?!”

Legend rasped a small chuckle, panting as he responded, “Yeah…I hear ya, Kid…’m trying.”

“Wild, I’ve got my telescope, I'll let you know when they’re at the base of the cliff so you can shout for them, okay?”

“Thanks Sailor,” Wild breathed, cutting the communication for now to better attend to Legend.

Legend groaned and coughed again at the increased pressure. He swallowed harshly, then took a shaky breath. “Wil'…” his eyes fluttered. “I…”

“Hush, Vet. Help is coming, just stay awake a bit longer, please don’t fall asleep!”

A shudder rocked Legend's body and his face twisted in pain. His breath choked in his chest as blood bubbled at his lips, but the fit passed and his breathing stabilized.

Exhausted violet eyes met terrified blue and the faintest ghost of a smirk touched blood-stained lips. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” Legend whispered as the slate crackled to life once again.

[freckled-words]

TaserTricks Misadventures

Just to get some rust off the wheels, I wrote a little intro to act as the base for where *most* of the stories will be connected to. Some will be stand-alone but still part of the whole, ya know?

If you prefer to read on AO3, here's a handy link for you CLICK ME

Let me know if you catch any spelling mistakes.

Darcy Lewis sometimes had to play “Connect The Dots” with the events in her life in order to make sense of just how she found herself in her current position.

The position of ‘Unofficial Avengers CareTaker’ that is.

Which just so happened to include Loki, God of Mischief, King of Assholes, and a condemned prisoner currently working off his crimes through community service.

Originally Darcy had come to the tower with her pre-established job parameters of keeping Jane healthy and functional, while also helping her with the data entry and machine lugging. Jane’s lab was neighbor’s with Tony and Bruce, and thanks to a connecting doorway, it was easy enough to include the Science Bros in the daily feedings and watering. (Bruce was pretty good at managing himself, but he never turned down Darcy’s cinnamon raisin cookies when she slipped them within reach.)

One trip to scary Ol’ England to fight space Elves later, and Erik came back to the Tower with them. Like Bruce he was pretty low maintenance, he just needed a gentle reminder to put his pants back on two to three times a day.

The real shift in her ‘caretaking’ parameters came when Natasha and Clint started coming by more often.

One night Darcy had been up late in the common room, the TV was on with the volume down low, an overly fuzzy blanket was wrapped around her body, and was doing her damndest to melt the nightmares out of her skull with the vibrancy of the cartoon dancing across the screen.

She swore she’d simply blinked (a super slow blink that lasted around a minute) and suddenly found Clint sitting on the couch next to her, the edge of her blanket draped across his lap and his head tipped back into the cushions with his eyes closed. As far as Darcy could tell, the infamous sniper was fast asleep.

Too tired to have much reaction (or give it much thought) Darcy shifted her blanket so it was covering both of them. She wouldn’t know if it was the presence of someone she knew to be super lethal, or just the sense of having another body around in general, but she managed to drop off into a heavy sleep pretty quick.

She got to know Clint a lot better over breakfast the next morning, and it became a friendly routine for them to crash on the couch on nights when one or the other was feeling rough. (There’d been a couple nights where Tony would stumble up from the lab and crash on whichever space was large enough, and on even rarer occasions, Steve would collapse into the recliner and do his best to sneak away before everyone else woke up the next morning.)

Natasha didn’t need caring for, so much as she opted to spend some of her free time with Darcy. 

Sometimes Darcy was suddenly dragged out of the lab for self defense training (she never made it back to the labs on those days.) But more often Natasha would pop up wherever Darcy was, and inquire into everyone’s wellbeing. It took Darcy a bit of time to put two and two together, and realize that Natasha would have these pop-up chats when she got back from her missions. (Darcy does her best not to think too deeply on this, as it puts a certain degree of weight on Darcy’s casual care-taking.)

At first Steve wasn’t really taken into consideration, as he had his own place to go home too, and when he wasn’t there or the tower, he was out looking for Bucky. (The shitshow of SHIELDRA had been a nightmare and a half that left both Darcy and Jane a little twitchy for a solid two months after.)

So of course that changed when he came home one morning, bruised, battered and bleeding, with Bucky in tow.

Darcy had been in the kitchen getting her first cup of coffee when the two soldiers stumbled in. Steve gave her a nod and a, “Morning Ms. Lewis” then promptly dropped Bucky and himself into a couple of chairs.

Still dressed in her Hulk pj pants, and Black Widow tank top, Darcy muttered a quiet “Fuckin’ Mondays.” And got to work making a mountain of pancakes, bacon, and eggs for the two to devour while their wounds healed. (There were a couple feeble attempts to help, and she’d just slapped them both away with her spatula.)

Given that Tower was a reinforced fortress in the sky, it only made sense for Bucky to hide out there, and Steve couldn’t even fathom leaving Bucky there on his own, so after some strategic room shuffling, Bucky moved into a room that was situated between Bruce and Steve.

Taking care of Steve was easy, and a lot of fun for Darcy. She helped him to work through his ever growing list of things to learn and catch up on, while also getting him to give her art lessons. (They did Bob Ross paintings every once in a while, and it was always hilarious, since Steve would try and make adjustments to outdo Bob.)

Bucky on the other hand was a bit more complicated. He had enough of his memories back to know who he was, and who Steve was, but he still had some brainwashing to work through. Like Bruce, he needed a calm, no sudden surprises environment. He’d stick to Steve most of the time, and other times he’d stay in his room. When Darcy started to notice how little he would eat, and how much weight he was losing, Darcy took matters into her own hands with a gamble.

Steve was in the living room working on a field report from their last mission, and Bucky had tagged along to sit on the couch and fiddle with his phone. It was just about time for lunch, and Darcy figured sandwiches would be fine, “Yo Barnes, mind giving me a hand with this? You slice and spread, I’ll assemble?”

For a brief second Darcy thought Bucky was going to refuse, as she’d called out to him so suddenly, his shoulders had gone back and his hands had frozen mid-fidget. Steve looked up from his papers and raised a brow at Darcy, trying to figure out what she was angling for. Bucky took in slow breath, and seemed to resettle before getting up. He had a confused, yet slightly amused expression when he joined her in the little kitchen space, “What did I do to warrant sandwich duty?”

“You looked bored, that’s what.” She chided back, and pushed a tomato into his prosthetic hand and a tiny kitchen knife into the other. 

He let out a huffed laugh, and settled into the task of prepping. 

While they worked to make a variety of sandwiches, Bucky would grab nibbles as he went. When the sandwiches were ready for distribution, Bucky took five of them for himself. 

Pleased her theory had been right, Darcy made sure Bucky helped her with at least one of the meals each day, and for the rest she had Jarvis send live video feeds to Bucky’s phone of the food being prepared. 

Natasha and Steve gave her private thanks for catching the problem and finding the solution. Bucky’s thanks came in the form of brutal game nights, where they’d square off with board games and video games. Some nights it was everyone in the tower playing (Pepper was banned from playing Monopoly), and others it was just the two of them (“I saw that Barnes! If you throw that blueshell I swear to Thor I will put ghost peppers in your soup tomorrow!”)

Three months after Bucky and Steve moved into the tower, Thor returned, and he didn’t come alone.

They’d all had a heads up that this might be a possibility, but no one had thought it would actually happen.

Loki, Destroyer of New York, God of Trickery and Chaos, was back on Earth…to finish his community service.

[l-carlyle]

Lockwood & Co. feature on the January 2023 Issue of the SFX Magazine

I'll put the text under the break if anyone can't access the photos :-)

"JOE CORNISH IS HAUNTED. NOT BY ANY BONE chilling apparition or plate-flinging poltergeist but by a time. A vanished age, of strange torments and diabolical dread.

“This is a world of draughty houses and windows that don’t quite close properly and creaky floorboards and clicking pipes,” he tells SFX, smiling over a Zoom connection. “The world I remember from my childhood, before double-glazing and insulation!”

Welcome to the phantom-infested Britain of Lockwood & Co. It’s a little like the 1970s, only even weirder. Adapted from the popular series of books by Jonathan Stroud, this new Netflix offering pits swashbuckling teens against the unquiet dead in a London spilling over with paranormal activity. Even the local A-Z, you strongly suspect, drips with ectoplasm.

ANATOMY OF A GHOST “I love supernatural stories,” says Cornish, who serves as lead writer and director on the eight-part series, “and it’s unusual to find a story where the science of ghosts has been so thoughtfully defined. There’s a broad set of rules for ghosts that most stories adhere to, but there’s not really an almost Darwinesque analysis of different types of ghosts, different species, different behaviours, a taxonomy.

“The idea that they can kill you by touching you completely changes the dynamic of a ghost story, brings it into the action-adventure realm. So you get everything great about a ghost story but these other genre elements really take it into a new place. “On top of that you’ve got terrific worldbuilding. This takes place 50 years into a ghost epidemic, and the world has really changed because of it. Different economics and different social structures have emerged. Because young people are more sensitive to the supernatural, which is a classic trope in ghost stories, it’s extrapolated into this world where young people are employed by massive adult-run agencies to detect and fight ghosts. “So it’s a pretty amazing bit of thinking, based on a very attractive set of genre ideas that have been around for ages but have never really been reinvented in such a clever way.”

It’s a more analogue world, where technological progress stuttered. And that’s a premise that appeals to Cornish, who made his name with the hand-tooled, micro-budget joys of The Adam And Joe Show – a pioneering ’90s celebration of geek culture, knocked together from toys, love and cardboard – before promotion to the big screen as director of Attack The Block in 2011.

“The world changed tack when the problem started, because everything that would be regarded as pseudo-science became real science,” he explains. “So the world stopped at the time of Amstrad word processors! “It became a more industrial world, because iron and salt and water can repel ghosts, so suddenly these almost Victorian industries are revived. Also, in a weird parallel way, old things are suddenly scary. Anything with an ancient history is potentially lethal, because it might be the source of a ghost.

“For me it felt like the early ’80s, when I was a teenager, because that was kind of pre-digital. It was a world that still had analogue media and you could buy records and fanzines. There was a world of printed youth culture that existed in a social way, that wasn’t on telephones and computers. You communicated in a much more person-to-person way back then. So that was pleasing for me as well – the series has this kind of retro-contemporary feel to it that’s half modern and half 50 years ago.” The spectral aesthetic in Lockwood & Co also takes inspiration from the past. “We started by looking at Victorian spirit photography. Because photography is pre-digital, it’s chemical, the ghosts feel very different, like a real physical presence. They feel as if they exist in the world of natural physics – we can’t really get away with hiding them.

“In other movies or TV shows you might glimpse a ghost as a jump scare and then it’s gone. Our ghosts are really present, and our characters fight with them, so we had to come up with a design that you could really train the camera on, and involve in an action sequence, and would be able to leap around and dive and swoop and bolt into a corner.

“They’re all made out of smoke, they’re all made out of something ethereal. There are lots of different types in the series, lots of colours and densities and shapes. We tried to get away from super-digital ghosts and make them feel like they could really exist in a science experiment.”

Lockwood & Co looses its phantoms in some genuinely creepy abodes. What’s the secret of bringing a legitimately goosefleshing haunted house to the screen?

“We worked really hard on lighting, and light levels, making sure stuff was legible enough but that you’re also slightly peering into the shadows. I think sound is hugely important, and also silence. A lot of modern media is frightened of silence and when nothing happens that’s often the most interesting moment. We tried not to do too many jump scares. We do one or two, but we try and create an atmosphere of creeping fear rather than give people heart attacks.”

Stroud’s five-novel Lockwood series launched with The Screaming Staircase in 2013 (the TV version adapts this tale but also goes beyond it, Cornish reveals). Its young ghostbusters are Lucy Carlyle, gifted with psychic powers, and Anthony Lockwood, the dashing and enigmatic founder of the only agency to operate without adult supervision. The show captures the dashing spirit of the books, quippy heroes slicing at wraiths with rapiers, but plays things commendably straight.

“It’s a very sincere endeavour,” acknowledges Cornish. “We believe in the characters and we believe in the world. Stuff like this only works if you really commit to it and decide that it’s real. I don’t love shows where the characters are winking at the camera, or there are meta jokes. I want the world to be completely absorbing and credible.

“One of the most important and compelling things for people who love these books is the relationship between Lockwood and Lucy. It’s a relationship that has an enormous fandom – there’s an amazing amount of fan art out there. It’s a sort of unrequited will-they-won’t they relationship. This is a world where young people shoulder an incredibly grave burden, at a time in their life when they shouldn’t be thinking about death, or mortality, all the things that older people have to think about, and yet here they are, armed with weapons, having to fight things that could kill them.

“But then another brilliant thing about the novels is that if you get too depressed you get more vulnerable, so the ghosts can get you if you feel too bleak. So they have to cheer each other up and make quips and jokes, for safety purposes. We just approached the whole thing as if it was completely real.”

Given the rabid fandom, getting the casting of the leads right was crucial. Bridgerton’s Ruby Stokes ultimately won the role of Lucy. “She’s the centre of the story,” Cornish tells SFX. “She’s vulnerable, damaged, kind of abused and exploited as a child, comes from a broken home, has lost her father, yet has incredible gumption and ambition and a very strong sense of self-preservation. “She has this gift that she really doesn’t want, and she packs her bags, runs away from home and sets out to London with no qualifications, nowhere to stay the night. Her powers are an expression of her emotional sensitivity. In the book it’s like teenage emotions are being made into a supernatural power.

“So we just had to find an incredible young actor who felt like she could do it, and who you believed had that inner emotional life. Before I did this I always wondered how castings worked, whether there was some super complicated methodology. But a person just walks into the room and you go, ‘Do I believe that she’s Lucy?’ Ruby was actually one of the first people we saw, and we all just went, ‘Oh, there she is! There’s Lucy Carlyle!’”

Newcomer Cameron Chapman bagged the title role. “Lockwood was much harder, actually,” shares Cornish. “We saw hundreds and hundreds of actors, and Cameron came in pretty late in the day, at the eleventh hour. And that’s equally hard, because he’s got to be sort of handsome and cool and yet really vulnerable and haunted. He’s got to have swagger and braggadocio but also be a bit of a bullshit artist. He’s like a sort of teen entrepreneur. In the ’80s everybody wanted to be a teen entrepreneur, and he’s that made flesh. But he’s also wounded and secretive and has sort of a death wish.

“Cameron had all that. Weirdly, he looks very like the illustrations on the book covers, and he wears that long coat really well. He does the charisma, he does the vulnerability, he’s a bit of a dick – not in real life, in terms of acting! – and then he can be very romantic and swoony. It’s a heck of a part for a young actor.

Out of the three main actors [Ali Hadji-Heshmati plays George, Lockwood’s second-in-command] he’s the guy who really hadn’t been on camera before, but he does an exceptional job.” But while fan approval is vital, even more key is winning the heart and mind of the man who dreamed up Lucy, Lockwood and their spook-riddled world in the first place.

“Jonathan has been very involved from the start,” says Cornish. “I formed a relationship with him in order to get him to give us the rights to the book, and then we’ve let him read every draft of the scripts. He’s come to visit the set, he’s sat down with the actors. He’s really into it and he’s been extraordinarily supportive, but sensibly he said to us, ‘Look, you go and do your thing. I understand this is a different beast, between the page and the screen.’

“But I hope, and I trust, that he has been surprised by how much we’ve just stuck to what he’s done. Because it’s really, really good. He’s provided pretty incredible material.”

Lockwood & Co is on Netflix from 27 January.

[ihaveforgortoomany]

Theory on *that* character based on 2.2 story spoilers.

Major spoilers for CN servers, 1.9 and beyond: I think I have enough pieces and delulu to create this theory.

May Vertin Nui block this spoilers

Idk to call this theory: uh Urd theory I guess?

Summary: If it is confirmed that people do not die physically in the Storm, Mr Duncan confirms that like places people are flung into different time periods and eras, then what if this is happening to Urd? Whatever she did has led to partial memory erasure of sorts that becoming a biographer has become a method to ensure part of her memory is retained.

(I would call this theory Generation Loss based ok the what happens to tapes maybe?)

This theory hopes to explain why multiple names are tied to the same pale blued haired blind woman who seems to appear everywhere in the game. More specifically explain the existence of Martha.

Heres a list of the different identities and their appearances:

Urd/ A friend from Afar/ Dolores: 100% confirmed to be the same individual, appeared in Brazil Sao Paulo, mentioned in both Rayashki and London (Rimet Cup). The Friend from Afar also makes frequent appearances in ingame email. Noted to be a doctor.

Besmert: appears in the 1.6 Notes on Shori, travelled for a while with Yensei to Pei City, had enough influence to recomend Yensei to join Team Timekeeper.

Martha: appears in 1.4,1.7 and 1.9 on the island of Aperion. She is hinted to be a recent member of the island and seemingly disappears in the 1914 Storm. Also acts as a doctor.

It is easy to connect Urd to Bessmert but harder to connect Martha to these identities since we explictly see her disappear into the Storm in 1.9. Yet suddenly shes back in 2.2 in Sao Paulo as a doctor (Maybe White Rum may have more info on Urd but until someone uploads her voicelines I cannot say).

My current running theory is that all of these are the same person, from Igor likely her true name (or in arcanist fashion this is the one she commonly goes by) is Urd and that she is Vertin's mother since mannerisms and appearances are so close to be just a coincidence.

But the real problem is her memory, Igor knows her, know she has done something that she changed her in some way and now in the eyes of Igor and the Manus has become someone that can change the fate of the world. She must have held a significant position in the Foundation to receive the marble chair as we know even individuals like Lucy as the head of Laplace and even Constantine do not directly speak to the White Marble House instead communicate through the doves sent to them.

The only info we have on Vertin's mother is the hostpital bed and the fact that the Foundation denies her existence.

Heres the theory:

What if when the Foundation says she doesn't exist this is quite literal as in they don't know she exists at all? But Igor knows? Lets remember Joe in 2.0 and the seemingly two Paulinas, the Storm erasure has a weird effect on how a person might be remembered, going back to my Mandela theory maybe Urd's existence from whatever happened to the white chair caused a swipe of her existence especially since she may as well been the epicentre of the first Storm. Characters like Greta Hoffman do note the foggy recollection of the Storm by those present and not taken by the Storm itself.

But what does that mean for Urd? I speculate Urd likely was a war or field medic if she was working closely with Zeno, evident in 2.2 she is caring for war veterans in Sao Paulo. If Urd is anything like Vertin, which in small ways alr we can say she is, whatever she did using the chair literally involved huges risks she believed necessary to end whatever conflict or goal she and Igor pursued, regardless of what happened to her.

Small hints suggest that: Urd pressed the button on the chair, nothing or something happened and afterwards she walked into the white house and that was the last Igor saw of her. What if this "white house" contained the hospital bed she and her mother were separated by? What if this all happened somewhere within the White Marble House that seemingly is well guarded and very high access is needed to enter?

What about Bessmert and Martha? If the Storm js capable of throwing people into different eras and completely overriding their current existence to change slightly like Mr Duncan, what if this is what happens to Urd? But she might be immune like Vertin? I predict that whatever happened with the white house has cause something to damage or alter her memory that recording everything is crucial?

What if Urd knew that her memory would be affected so greatly that becoming a biographer and writer for UTTU was a means to retain her identity and experiences. Maybe whether current her knows or not, as the Friend From Afar is her directly talking to Vertin. Maybe not fully aware of who exactly she is writing to but nevertheless compelled to write to Vertin?

Another theory or maybe this is adding on but Urd is directly responsible for the creation of the Storm, potentially as a means to resolve whatever conflict she and Zeno found themselves fighting and losing by 1999, a solution that would backfire so greatly now for 8 years the world constantly is faced with time going haywire? And if thats the case then Igor and Manus seeking and kidnapping her would make sense, they see her as the creator of the Storm (whether she remembers or not) and potentially want her tl create them at will.

(Throwing alots of ideas here)

[ace-and-the-rpg-horrors]

OC LOREDROP PRETTY PLEASE??

okayyy!!! i haveeeee soooooo many OCs, i'm going to talk about the ones from the fairy realm part in my story!!

right, so one of my deuteragonists from the previous part of the story, Hana Kaetsu, in the fantasy arc, accidentally gets sent to the fairy realm by reading a letter from a mysterious group mistakenly delivered to her, that was actually meant for her classmate Sybil Villin who's secretly a witch (she's pretty open about her interest in making potions and researching the supernatural and all that but ofc everyone just thinks she's interested in it cause. people don't generally believe in that anymore). anywayyyyy cause of Hana's little misadventure there, she because one of four people in her class who are now able to see ghosts and other supernatural creatures due to now having a connection with the supernatural. the other three are Sybil, ofc, cause she's a witch, her friend Naoki Himura because he managed to free and summon the ghost of their murdered classmate Ashley Atwell, and Ash herself cause. ghost

butttt before being able to return to the human world after Sybil, Naoki and Ash figured out what was going on when she suddenly disappeared (only they noticed that Hana had gone missing due to her disappearance being of supernatural causes, and them being the only ones around who have that experience- for everyone else, it's as if Hana never existed but they remember her again as if nothing happened after she returns), Hana met Sybil's "coven" (which is a gathering of witches, but they're not all witches, half of them are fae), the coven being the one who tried to address that letter to Sybil, wanting her back as she'd suddenly lost contact with them for a few years. where Hana ends up after being transported there is a village in the fairy realm called "Glacialisville" and the forests surrounding it, a slightly cold area that gets very snowy winters and not very warm summers, only about 25 degrees Celsius max. also quite windy and prone to storms

the coven consists of:

Lady Esmerelda- a forty-six year old witch who is basically the leader, currently the lady of the mansion they are based in, "Glacies Manor" though she doesn't own it, just looking after it until Rowan feels prepared enough to take on the responsibility. adoptive mother of Rowan and Dahlia

Rowan Leblanc- a nineteen year old witch. his bio mother was executed for being caught practicing witchcraft- her and her ancestors were the true owners of Glacies Manor and are a long line of very powerful witches (though are known for having slightly unstable magic compared to others), including a particularly infamous one...

Dahlia Leblanc- a seventeen year old vampire who was banished from the vampire realm, in which she was princess of one of the royal families. disowned due to not being considered a "real" vampire as she was born with an incredibly rare and tricky condition that made her highly allergic to blood

Marceline- a seventeen year old witch, old friends with Sybil and the one who set out to find her again. Marcy is incredibly skilled with a sword and plans to enrol into the uni below

Belle, Olivier and Ciel Krieger- twenty year old fairy triplets who attend an university that specifies in training future members of the fairy army with sword fighting, archery etc

Nixie- a seventeen year old unique type of fairy that can shape shift- however he can only turn into creatures that humans consider fictional, such as a unicorn, pegasus, phoenix, dragon, mermaid

Ghost- twelve years old, a type of fairy known as changeling who was switched into an awful family in the human world. Lady Esme found her and immediately saved and took her in after seeing how she was treated due to being fae. cannot speak due to having a damaged throat from that "family" trying to kill her by stabbing, prefers to mainly communicate through drawings and miming. is able to communicate with these jelly-like floating creatures around the forest who she often holds tea parties with

Lillie- a twelve year old witch who looks up to the older witches in the coven (Lady Esme, Marcy and especially Rowan due to him being very older brotherly) who is incredibly excited about becoming able to use controlled magic at thirteen (spoiler- doesn't happen, she's murdered four days before her thirteenth birthday)

need two more characters to make a whole "thirteen" for the coven feel, haven't thought of them yet

other major characters!! Dahlia and Marcy's college classmates, all also seventeen (well. probably not cause birthdays and all that but i haven't figured it out yet. they attend Glacialisville College of Arts, where they have compulsory English (mixed Lang and Lit), Maths and History + three or occassionally four creative subjects:

Vie von Vogelblut- a vampire who suffered similar trauma to Dahlia, being thrown out of the vampire realm due to disownment. he lives with his equally disowned aunt and her daughter, Rouge, who while technically his cousin, is more like his older sister. Rouge is four years older than him, twenty-one, and also goes to that army uni thing that the Krieger triplets go to. Vie is somewhat childhood friends with Dahlia, he's basically her second brother, she's his second sister. he takes Hair and Makeup, German, Creative Writing and Theatre

Raphael- a fairy who was immediately adopted into the group by the extroverted Dahlia and ends up being very good friends with Vie. Raffi takes Drawing and Painting, Photography and Arabic

Clarissa- a fiery fairy who's besties with Dahlia, frenemies with Vie. idk what she takes yet

Alexandrite- a witch who's particularly gifted with elemental magic. takes Drawing and Painting, Sculpture and Photography

Nora- a fairy who's rather wary of flying due to being visually impaired and there being less to feel in the air. she has a Golden Retriever called Leo as a service animal and she takes Violin, Creative Writing and Song Writing

Natalie and Amaryllis- a pair of fairy sisters who've been through some crap (father lured to death by a demon). they both get along well with Vie. apart from her sister and Vie, Amy's only friends with Dahlia and Alexandrite due to severe social anxiety and Nat's much more outgoing and on very good terms with most in college. Amy and Nora also wanted to be friends due to having similar fashion sense, however, there was a communication barrier due to Nora's visual impairment and Amy being selectively mute (so Nora wouldn't be able to read what Amy writes but at the same time, Amy's unable to speak to her) but!! they both decide to learn Morse code (Amy taps her messages onto Nora's hand) so they eventually get to get along. idk all the subjects the sisters take yet, but Nat does Photography as one of them and Amy takes Hair and Beauty (same class as Vie)

oh yeah i forgot about Dion- Clarissa's cousin, just kind of a bitch really

there's more but aaaaaaa i think. i've gone insane enough

[m0r1bund]

hey, I was wondering if you have any tips or good resources on writing eco-fiction?

This is a GREAT question that I don’t feel qualified to answer. I have read a lot more environmental nonfiction than fiction, and I'm not really cued in to what other eco-fiction writers are doing. I’m also playing in the margins because creative writing feels like my second language (vs. visual arts, worldbuilding, etc.) So… I can only share what's worked for me. Take the best and leave the rest, chief o7

I think everything circles back to becoming freakishly obsessed with your home environment. This is just the way I was built LOL, if I want to make anything I have to be a little bit obsessed with it. I also just like to read fiction from people who aren’t career artists, who have some kind of niche interest or lived experience that colors their work (whether they want it to or not.)

studying ecology, the natural world, working with your hands in the dirt, whatever-- you can also appreciate how inseparable everything is from place. pick any moment in history and you can make a rich environmental reading of it. We construct stories that obfuscate this, but almost everything we do as humans is motivated by land and water and access to land and water. This really informs how I write. Everything is connected to The Desert even when it isn’t immediately obvious to me.

Which brings me to another thought. Most of my writing is playful daydreaming that asks “Wouldn’t it be fucked up if ______?” AND YET! The natural world is always doing it weirder and cooler. You just get to set up the dominoes in ways that highlight this, I think.

Like, 90% of what happens in Asthaom is motivated by water and access to water, the big limiting resource in a desert. So a false god marches on Scaiuq looking for mythical water. An ex-cactus rustler makes counterfeit versions of a rare cactus dye in order to flood the market and drive down demand for the real thing. your ancestors manufactured a climate crisis and now, 1000s of years later, the desert is fundamentally changed but still worth loving and fighting for. These are hyperbolic lies about real things that, I think, are very poetic and worth mythologizing. Fiction is daydreaming but it’s also about tricking you guys into caring about the boring stuff that I care about, hahaha

In that vein, being part of an eco-art community has also catalyzed a lot of things for me. In 2018 I joined Those Who Went Missing, an art therapy game about nature spirits who are created from lost and missing individuals. you tell stories about your characters and have them interact with others in a setting that's based on the real world. Suddenly I was spending a lot of time reading what others think of their home environment… (And now I’m realizing “I haven’t read a lot of eco-fiction” is a lie)… and suddenly I had this shared space to spew desert propaganda create stories in.

Something I like about TWWM is it doesn’t exclusively attract earth science people, so there are a lot of people who are using this game to learn and write about the natural world for the first time. Through them, I get to put names and faces to places that were once distant and abstract to me, and I also get to relive the thrill of learning what sky islands are, how to identify a mockingbird, etc. I also encounter a lot of dominant narratives about deserts, deserts as wastelands / empty spaces / inhospitable crucibles, the relationship between humans and land, that we’re separate from nature, that we only harm and extract, etc. This is not knocking those stories, they're valuable, it just motivates me to write my personal blasphemies so that I can gently push back.

It makes me think of something I was taught in my oral storytelling class, that storytelling is made by place, time, and audience. You will never tell the same story twice because you’re never going to be the same person in the same space at the same time with the same people, you have to be sensitive to yourself and the needs of those around you. Maybe this is just typical “knowing your audience” LOL but it really is a different process writing for TWWM as a group. leaving the jargon behind, being loud about deserts, insisting on depicting reciprocal human-land relationships even more than I otherwise would, while also grappling with the hurt and frustration of being thrust into an extractive relationship with the natural world. maybe 2 people will actually read/see it, but if it leaves an impression then it’s all worth it baybeeeeee

I don't really have a denouement here, but I hope you found something useful, thank you for giving me something to chew on. Anyone reading this, please share resources that come to mind. I feel poorly-read, haha

[runawaysiren940]

gold star discourse seems completely alien to me bc it comes from a space where you are far more likely to stumble upon the concept of same sex relationship. i encounter it being used so vigorously only when i came to anglo radfem space. previously i only saw it in a context of discussing foreign radfem lit.

i grew up in Ukraine. Growing up I had no exposure to any kind of media with lesbians in it. I definitely had experienced same sex attraction during that time but i didn't have any words or examples to describe and compare it with. I haven't been attracted to a man in my life, but bc attraction to women was nonexistent to me, I simply assumed that I just really wanted to be friends with that one particular girl. I found out about lesbians being a thing at 12 through fanfiction, but I conseptualised lesbians as something real only at 13. I accepted that i am one at 18. So here, between 12 and 18 I had an excruciating phase of despair that came from assumption that one day I have to marry a man and have children. It legitimately made depressed and apathetic. Now, I believe that had i not discovered who lesbians are, i still wouldn't have gone forward to push myself into a relationship with a man, bc originally I was already on a route of acceptance that i would be alone forever. But other lesbians in my environment may not be like that. Thought Im sure if they are lesbians, nothing would make them like men, even if they pretend or compromise or force themselves. Bc our real feelings have always been there, but bc they are unnamed and abnormal, at best you brush them under the rug, at worst you start to think that you are broken.

I know that experiences are different, and where ones bend under pressure, others persist, and it's the same with lesbians i guess. your environment plays a large role in what your behaviour would look like. some people find it easier to conform, even if it not pleasant. I dont know why we suddenly think that lesbians are somehow immune to societal pressure. It matters whether you were a part of a demanding religioun or culture or environment, whether your country has anti-gay laws, whether your family is conservative, whether your family is religious etc.

i think this is quite different from pseudo-lesbian crowd of het and bi women, and that the latter is a product of q*eer movement and their ideology. they just gave an acceptable way for lesbophobia that was always present in the society. it's nothing new. i distaste the term "comphet" nowadays bc of that shift. I know that 7/10 time it's going to be bi/het/q*eer girl pretending. so i get this desire to gatekeep, i do. I just don't want to throw those lesbians, who were less fortunate under the bus bc a bunch of western hets decided they want to be special. I think lesbians who discover themselves later in life, in the middle of having a family or in a relationship with a man, deserve support and compassion.

i don't have particular hate for the label gold star either, in fact I can be considered one. I just don't feel any connection to it so i don't care and don't use it. I dont think that their vilification is deserved, maybe even lesbophobic. Generally is, to me, its a term of pride for being able to be your authentic self at all times. So it's not bad on its own. So, when its used to put down other lesbians based on their lived experiences, I don't think that's a gold star label problem, but rather just misogyny. it all boils down to plain old "women are held to a higher standard by everyone, even by other women in the movement". It goes both ways of the discourse too.

as for polilez, i have to say that for me thay were very much tied together for the longest time. for some time i had ties with russian radfem community. there polilez discourse was very, VERY strong. However, they were approaching it from some kind of a moral ground. That being a polilez was morally correct, the only correct way of being a radfem, otherwise you are mingling with an enemy and are a traitor. they were arguing that all female nudity is sexualisation and objectification, that lesbians objectify women if they speak sexually about them, that absolutely all sextoys are bad and a part of patriarchal adaptation habits, that sexuality is purely social and to argue otherwise is misogyny etc. it was borderline lesbophobia, and generally just toxic environment. it was very hostile to the new members or to different opinions. and honestly, not very productive, since it was limited to twitter discussions only. I left the community long ago bc of rampant lesbophobia and xenophobia, I dont know if they came to any conclusion since then.

I personally don't like the idea that my sexuality is a political identity. I went through the same psychological and social trials as most women and came out of it still a lesbian. I also don't believe in their interpretation of 'all personal is political'. My sexuality should be neutral, i dream to see the day when it's finally just a neutral characteristic, like hight or hair colour. I don't want to perform activism in my bedroom either. I do want to have a relationship with a woman who will reciprocate and not treat it as some kind of a political praxis.

There's the concept of heurmimatical injustice (spelled wrong but I'm on my phone so) where you don't have the words to explain your experience + the presentation of heterosexual partnership as am obligation, not a thing to be enjoyed by women...

Thank you for your story ☺️

[silverjetsystm]

Interpreting 49 Years of Comic Book History

Standard disclaimer applies. I'm a non-DID/OSDD writer. I'm also not a medical professional.

We get inconsistent characterization at times (looking at you, back half of MS:MK where the wheels fall off and the other trio of lousy writers). Here's how I make sense of 49 years of real world comic book history, decisions made by various writers, and the evolution of the mental health field.

Let's party.

The MK System has DID. Marc was diagnosed in his early 20s after his flirtation with the CIA. He ran tf away to be a merc because Denial and escapism.

The MK System's mind has been changed by a god.

For years, Khon.shu did not speak to the System. They had an eerie feeling and attachment to the Khon.shu statue.

Marlene tried to get the System to move past being MK and having all these fighting corruption via fists. Which isn't a bad idea on paper. She and the System had continual talks about All This and she was their anchor to their sanity/normalcy.

The System saw some decent doctors but were not enthused by letting go of MK or achieving fusion. Fusion is not death. They are not at the point where they could fuse. When they communicate and cooperate, they are in a healthier.

However, there is potentially some loose fusion during certain points. Marc suddenly being an art dealer in MS:MK, for example. Or, that whole Marc acting Jake from Vengeance 2009.

Steven and Jake pull away and go dormant, leaving Marc at the front for good and ill. Khon.shu starts talking, is a West Coast Avenger, and doesn't really stop talking. There's some positive bits with Khon.shu in all this. Bringing Marc back, assisting Marc in getting T'Challa connected to Bast again, uh…

Marc pulls off his most violent act. Takes a break because of the toll on his body and mind. Then has his most violent period in the background of Civil War, egged on by an introject of Khon.shu (or real!Khon.shu but in a messed up phase feeding off of Marc's worst parts of himself). He gets a lot of professionals telling him Khon.shu isn't real while he himself says he made Steven and Jake up. Which makes sense based on what was going on at the time and the evolution of mental health. But also, it's Incorrect.

Marc plummets into His Worse Depressive Violent Episodes. Pushed his friends away. Wanted to get help. Bad doctors. He starts to open himself back up to working with Steven and Jake against Khon.shu (the god or introject). And then, the god Khon.shu is like "hey, let's kill Mephisto. steal the Avengers powers."

We get this long spiral or phases, if you want to lean into the moon analogy. Jewish time is in spirals so I use both.

Marc was reborn from violence to do vengeance/justice

Steven and Jake are the eyes and ears while Marc is 'dead' or holes up because he's ??? about normalcy

Marc tries his hand at normalcy while trying to balance vengeance/justiceing. Steven and Jake take a step back because the writer/editorial doesn't want to deal with mental health that isn't edgy or know how to use Steven and Jake effectively

Marc fucks up. Marc does more violence/pushes people away. Having a literal or metaphorical death.

Marc starts over

Each time he learns a little more, even if the low lows last for literal comic book runs and yeaaaaaaaars of real time.

[lafiametta]

Would you like for Olek and Ling Yi to be able to understand each other at some point? The dive into futuristic tech brought this idea to my mind: what if they came across a way to converse? This could drastically change the dynamic between the entire cast as well! Like, what if, even if for just a few episodes, they were able to understand each other? I wonder what would be the circumstances, and what pressing topic they'd need to discuss asap before whatever helped them understand the other faded away! I deeply love the show for having so many different languages and them all trying to roll together despite the lack of understanding, but I really want a group conversation too lol (also, catch me crying and shaking on the floor if Olek's first phrase to Ling Yi is "I love you" because he needs to make sure she knows that)

So I have a small theory (not based on much, just an idea) that outside the simulation (i.e. on the 2099 Prometheus) all the central characters speak the same language, or at least can understand each other. Besides being given different backstories/memories and being assigned different socio-economic classes by the Creator, the characters were also given different languages (or stripped of their ability to understand a common one), creating a Tower of Babel-type situation that sows even more confusion, uncertainty, and distrust. (Again, I don't know if it's going to end up being true; I just think it's a cool idea to consider.) If it is the case, then Olek and Ling Yi would be able to understand each other once they're out of the simulation. (Whether they would remember the simulation or feel like the connection they made while in it was actually "real" would be a different story.)

But if it's not, and they're still separated by language, or if the second season is set within another simulation, then I think what you're describing would be really intriguing. (Although I find the fact that they share nothing beyond a limited English vocabulary both heartbreaking and incredibly sweet: Ling Yi can confess her tearful secrets in Cantonese while knowing they'll remain hidden, plus we get adorable interactions like "Girl?"/"No, no girl." I also love that the show conveys how much can be communicated without actually speaking: just look at Olek when they all get to the engine room; he's able to direct them and get things up and working just by gesture or leading by example.)

But, yes, what if some mechanism on the ship — much like the ticking clock in 1x04 that compelled people to throw themselves overboard — suddenly allowed the two of them to understand each other? I'd like to imagine that in the midst of everything there would be space for them to talk about their feelings and their thoughts (much like Maura and Eyk get to do) and to share the events of their past that brought them to the ship in the first place. And if there were confessions of love, lord help me, it would be amazing. (Although a part of me would die to have Olek and Ling Yi learn how to say "I love you" in the other's language — and then say it at the most emotionally heightened moment!)

[thotbugatti]

A Love Letter to Twitter

This is going to sound really stupid but I’m prepared for that. Are you? I have been on twitter in many forms since the beginning of 2014. That’s almost 9 years. Over that time, I have made countless connections, discovered unbelievable content creators and comedians; learned a lot about the world and myself. Because of twitter, I’ve been able to become the person I am now.

At the beginning of the pandemic, I, along with probably many other people, really struggled with my sense of gender identity as well as sexuality. I wasn’t going to school, wasn’t going to work; I was stuck in isolation with nothing but drowning thoughts of who and what I might be. At first, I thought I was non binary. That didn’t fit. Could I have been trans? Yes, actually, that’s exactly what it was. Suddenly, my world opened up even more. I was finding trans people on YouTube first, then I discovered an intricate community of other trans women on Twitter. Connecting my experiences with them and realizing more and more that many of the things they experienced were also things I experienced with or struggled with, that really did something for me. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. All thanks to twitter.

On one hand, it might seem so silly to be upset about the loss of something so trivial as twitter, yet I am. Many others probably are as well but don’t want to admit that. I do. When you lose something that has been part of your life for so long, you’re bound to. If it does indeed die, I am going to miss it so much. I’m going to miss the people tho, not the platform itself. For all intents and purposes, twitter is a house of popsicle sticks held together by rubber bands and stick glue. I think had Elon Musk never even stuck his toes into purchasing twitter, we might have it for many years to come. But he did, and here we are. I’m going to miss the people. I love so dearly being able to connect with others from all over the world in a way that doesn’t feel so unbelievably one sided. With something like TikTok or Instagram, something that isn’t almost entirely text based, it feels as though you’re not interacting with a person. It feels more as if you’re interacting with the vision of a person. It’s worse with YouTube and TikTok, where there are, more than likely, billions of hours of videos that you end up just endlessly watching and scrolling past. Even with tumblr, while I am having fun with it, I feel it’s so hard to find exactly what I want to see, to find the people who I want to follow. I’m not sure how it is on the webpage, but the for you tab on this app just doesn’t seem to work. Things that were there last week still permeate at the very top. I want to be able to scroll, I want to be able to read what people are saying, I want to be able to find the most up to date news. I feel that that is a very uniquely twitter experience, and we’ll likely never see anything like it again. That’s very sad to me.

Transness is a very isolating and lonely experience. You might run across a trans person in real life, but it’s not a common thing. Even if you did, how likely are you to actually talk to them? Ultimately, you probably end up walking right past each other, maybe sharing a glance or a small smile, but nothing more. You’ll probably never see them again. This is my experience living in a very rural area. My high school had one trans person (not including myself because I didn’t know at the time). I often think about her, wondering how she managed to do it. If you live in a city like Chicago, New York, LA, San Francisco, wherever, you’ll come across more trans people to be sure. If you’re still in college, same situation. For many of us who aren’t in school anymore or live in the middle of nowhere, we aren’t very common. Twitter. Twitter opens up that world for many of us (or tumblr idk ymmv).

There’s part of me that still believes that twitter won’t die. Elon Musk will sell it off before he crashes and burns because, at the end of the day, he cares more about his money and his ego than he does anything else. There’s another part of me that is standing on the deck of the twitter ship, watching the iceberg grow ever closer. It’s sad, and it’s scary. Maybe it’ll be a good thing, but I can’t help but wonder what could come from the downfall. Maybe I’ll be able to actually get some work done. Maybe there will be less relative negativity in the world. Or maybe more anti trans and anti lgbt legislature will silently pass, with nothing around for people to bring light to the bigotry that blights this country.

So, Twitter if you do hit that iceberg, if you do sink, it’s been an honor. If it doesn’t however, I’m going to look like a big goober for spending over half an hour of my time writing a big long post about it while sitting on the floor at work. 🖤