#and sometimes i truly cannot believe that i am a person. i dont think i am sometimes

[fnvbennygecko]

*face down on the floor*

[fairuzfan]

shalom sister. i love your blog and your writing. reading your posts always fills me with fire, i can tell you have a good heart. donating to your campaign makes me feel so good because i trust you and truly you are doing gds work. anyway i wanted to ask you a question!

when i hear new things from gaza, stories of hamas doing X and IOF doing Y, i ask around and i’m not sure what parts of that story is true, if any. anyway idk what to believe all i know is that israel is committing acts of genocide and while the rest of the world is allowing this greatest evil, israel pretends that to be jewish is to be a colonizer. anyway some of my family are zionists, but i cannot sway them because they only know farsi persian and hebrew, aka only trust extremely biased sources.

anyway i am fluent in english farsi and hebrew but my arabic is trash ): so i feel like i can’t get the full picture from palestinians. all i can read are bonkers iranian papers and the disgusting zionist articles, it’s horrible because i know they’re both lying, just about different things. a palestinian opinion is the only opinion i care about right now! anyway it got me thinking. i just wanted to know if you have tips for verifying online research? or go-to non arabic websites? or even a translation app haha. i just want my family to see the truth!

shalom<3

shalom! thank you so much for reaching out, i really appreciate it.

personally, i use different sources for different material. i use middle east eye (specifically maha hussaini) and also mahmoud abusalama for videos of what it's like in the north. i use the electronic intifada interview podcasts to learn about specific things happening (i just finished watching this one about the collapse of healthcare in gaza). i would check out @northgazaupdates on here too. there's euromedmonitor as well.

and really, there are a lot of diaspora palestinians who are relaying what their family tells them, and they post on twitter a lot. someone i know does this is samah fadil. there's also @el-shab-hussein who translates things from Mona. here's mohammad smiry who is in gaza and tweets primarily in english. dr. mustafa elmasri also tweets in english too.

i would use al-jazeera, i have a fact checking guide here about any news source really. i don't use it as much but there's also the palestine chronicle. sometimes i use quds news network.

i really don't know much about hebrew media so i can't really tell you about sources i recommend there. i don't know if @bringmemyrocks or @rodeodeparis can perhaps provide some input?

i will say, if you're looking for hebrew palestinian media, i dont think there's too much because there's a ridiculous amount of censorship in '48 right now (honestly it's been going on for years atp) but what a lot of palestinians are doing is relying on internal networks. if you want, there are some israeli historians like Ilan Pappe and Avi Shlaim but I'm not sure if they write in hebrew. but they for sure write in english and provide a historical perspective from within israeli society itself.

this is what comes to mind rn honestly, but i haven't even touched on instagram because i haven't been on it in a while. i might add on later if i remember any really vital ones that i recommend.

[velvetvexations]

Ive seen at least two responses to your antigonism post saying that the word would be divisive because “transfems who are normal about transmascs are the norm” and I really truly do believe that’s probably the case but at the same time it personally feels a little dismissive?? I cant speak for all trans people obviously but I know A LOT of trans people, basically everyone in my life is trans- my blood sibling, all of my friends, my 2 girlfriends (im poly) I am regularly in contact with other trans people/trans communities in several cities across my state, and for me it really does not feel like its a “small vocal minority” of transfems who hold anti transmasculine and exorsexist beliefs.

I want to make it clear I absolutely love the transfems in my community, they are my dearest friends, and I deeply treasure our relationships; but absolutely every one of them that I have gotten close to has ended up saying something to me that made me feel really weird. They either mention something about how transmascs have it easier/transfems have it the worst, or they feel the need to gatekeep things from other trans people& borderline accuse other trans people/intersex people of copying transfems, or they joke and complain about “theyfabs” or justify the use of the term (both of my gfs did this- mind you I was afab and exclusively use they/them pronouns), or they invalidate feminine transmasc and afab enby people (again something both of my gfs did despite me being genderfluid and sometimes presenting feminine).

And thats just some of the things Ive experienced IRL in my own home and within my own communities! If I were to start listing my experiences online Id be here all night!! I honestly want to go on about the shit I see online but I dont have the energy for it- but when I see exorsexist or anti trans masculinity coming from transfems (and self proclaimed tmes) online, the comments/notes/whatever is always filled with sometimes hundreds of other trans people agreeing and venting their own frustrations about “tmes” and it just. Again doesnt FEEL like its a minority. You are literally one of the only TWO transfems I know who makes content actively CONSISTENTLY standing up for transmascs and pushing back against anti trans masculinity. Its not that I think its transfems job to dismantle anti trans masculinity but the ratio of transfems who complain about tmes vs ones who actively push back against that rhetoric feels so disproportionate to how often I see transmasc and afab enbies pushback against trans misogyny and the exclusion of transfems in queer spaces.

This turned into a very long winded vent and Im kinda struggling to conclude my point but i guess I wish it felt like more people cared to pushback against TIRFism. It just feels kinda dismissive to hear people say that transmascs who are hesitant to interact w trans communities just need to touch grass or whatever when in my personal experience it feels like I cannot escape anti trasmasculinity or exorsexism in every trans space I am apart of. Kinda blanking on how to end this ask i hope any of this is coherent.

I wanna emphasize again that the person I responded to specifically was really cool and my emotions in this post are not directed at them

Recently someone said it was "easy to forget most trans women are normal about trans men," and I was scolded because me not thinking that was horribly transmisogynistic was apparently a sign I'd lowered my standards as a trans woman because I'm too discourse poisoned, so now I'm even more self-conscious that people will start to see me that way no matter how much I try to insist over and over that TRFs are a vocal minority.

Meanwhile I continue to get asks calling me a pickme and comparing me to Blair White. I continue to have ten people respond to my every reply going "don't listen to Velvet she's crazy and hates trans women!!!!!".

So yeah. It is, actually, easy to forget that sometimes.

Especially since I'm stuck in a tiny southern town without even the option to make use of what meager community exists in the area because there's no one to drive me several hours to the state capital for their annual Pride stuff. I can't just go outside and be gal pals with all the vast numberless hordes of Normal trans women. I would be shocked beyond fucking belief if I saw two gay cis men in my fucking zip code. With my personal situation I can't even be social with cishet people anyway, let alone other queers, let alone all the trans women others perceive as Normal because they've knowingly been in the physical presence of another trans person a single time in their life and have the option of making that happen when they want it to.

Thank you for the support, anon.

[sneppu]

uhhh idk lily thoughts (I'm about to spew critical rambling bullshit, big sorry. these things are my badly worded opinions and nothing else.)

thinkin bout how my feelings for Lily are so complicated tbh.. in canon, I cannot like her. I just can't. The disconnect between what the narrative tries to tell us about her and the reality of who she is and what she does are just too jarring to me. for all that she's meant to be a paragon of virtue and goodness, her actions and choices come across wrong and off and bad in a way that is visceral to me, as someone who has been bullied and sexually assaulted myself. And to clarify, I'm not talking about her breaking off her friendship with Severus; she had every right to do that, and I dont think I've seen a single Snape fan actually seriously state otherwise - but because she *knowingly and deliberately chose to get with an abusive bully.* That she and Snape were no longer friends is irrelevant to me. I understand not everyone feels this way, and that's fine. But It's important to me, and so it carries weight to me. The implications are just too offputting to me, and yes, I am biased. Snape is my favorite little guy, after all. I dont pretend otherwise. To each their own, and she, as written in canon, is certainly not for me, historical context and location be damned.

So i can't like her in canon. If anything, I cant help but feel acute resentment for her character, because it feels almost like betrayal to be told "here is a perfect and good person" and then get.. that. Ironically, I would like her a whole lot more if the narrative didnt try insist on her goodness and instead was just like "actually, ngl she was kinda shitty sometimes. questionable as hell. she was a bit of a gremlin and a little bit fucked up" because then it would feel honest. she would no longer feel like a hypocrite to me, and then those moments of kindness would carry more weight, would feel more meaningful. Her actions would be more believable, would feel more nuanced and I would maybe even love her.

...and that, ultimately is what my problem with her is. she has all the potential to be such an interesting character, but she instead falls short of being a full character at all. it's not her fault; this is a jkr skill issue (and her portrayal of female characters in general leaves A Lot to be desired.), so in the end i'm not too pressed.

its exactly why i like Lily so much more in the context of fanworks. Canon lily? offputting. An incomplete character. but fanfic lily? such potential! she could *actually* be the good person she was meant to be and make different choices or at very least have reasoning that makes more sense! or she could go a new direction entirely and be an absolute gremlin menace alongside Snape and in the process, add more interest and nuance that way! all of these things are enjoyable, and for this reason i cannot say I truly hate her - because I do love her so so much when people make her their own and make her make sense, to do her justice and preserve what - i think - would have been that spark that brought Severus and Lily together in the firstplace - whether it be genuine kindness, or a friendship based on being able to relate to one another at a deeper level, on having that shared weirdness together, or even both things! (that's not to say I love every portrayal; and sometimes there are pet peeves, but they do not ruin the character for me in that scenario, for the simple reason that in these fics she *IS* ultimately a full character, which is more than what can be said about canon lily.) ... and that's the joy of fanfics and fanart and creation, isnt it? that you can make your own ideas come to life, put things together in a way that makes sense to you, and see how others would make a these stories and characters come to life. its why I can despise the marauders in their canon, and yet ship everyone of them with Severus given the right scenario. it's why I can dislike snily in the context of canon, and see their relationship as purely platonic under that lens, and yet wholeheartedly ship them otherwise in the context of fanfics and fanworks. It's why when I say i ship Severus Snape with literally everyone I can truly and genuinely mean it. Because I do. I think theres always room for a scenario, for a characterization, or AU, to allow for it. Fiction is a lovely and magical thing, and it ultimately exists for enjoyment, for entertainment and creativity.

anyway, idk if i worded this wrongly or weirdly but tldr: I dislike and am put off by canon lily, but I love what lily can be, what she could be, what she SHOULD be, I love what fans are able to do with her, I love what I wish she was.

[drdemonprince]

i dont agree with the way the person who added onto your post framed things, but I do want to say that sometimes i have similar thoughts (especially because i still often feel very depressed/unhappy) but then when I really think back to how truly awful it felt to inhabit my body pretransition.

when i look at old photos theres a period of time where i look like a pretty happy kid, and certainly i had issues back then too, but the oictures of me in the midst of my natal puberty and the years before i transitioned really do show a deeply uncomfortable deeply sad person trying to dissociate and overall completely unhappy with my physical body and presentation.

Now, of course there are a lot of factors that go into it, but even on my bad days and times where I am still dissatisfied with my body and struggling with dysphoria or anything else, I know that my baseline is much higher than it was back then. And I always forget how bad things were once I'm doing better

Like yes in a superficial sense i did start caring more about my appearance once i was able to transition, and I do look more conventionally attractive (or at least put together) but that's the result of me actually feeling more at home in my body and like I have a future to look forward to.

Some people who say i look happier or more myself looked at me and only saw the surface level stuff, but I try and believe that my friends and loved ones actually do see what's there, which is that I really am happier and more myself. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have wanted to transition so badly.

A lot of my response to people making such comments is an inherently Autistic one. People cannot read me well. Even dear friends and loved ones. Just as much as I cannot empathize with them, other people are terrible at empathizing with me. They guess all kinds of wrong emotions at the wrong times -- they think I'm nervous or preoccupied when I'm not, mistake euphoria for anxiety, miss my anger, constantly think that I am tired or aloof just for having a flat resting face, are fooled by the mask, think a scowl of concentration is annoyance, mishear my voice as mocking, etc. I do not like people guessing what I am feeling at all. It's virtually always wrong. And trying to draw inferences even more globally about how my life or transition must be going based on such superficial easily misunderstood data is even more wrong.

I just completely reject the idea that we should be evaluating a person's relationship to transition based on anything to do with their appearance on so so many levels.

[youngpettyqueen]

alright as promised- Julian and Garak and Garashir thoughts on A Stitch in Time!

also, I am going to note before I even begin. yes, I ship Garashir, but im also going to focus on not viewing their dynamic entirely through a shipping lens. Garashir as a ship will be brought up, yes, but im making a concentrated effort to also discuss their relationship as presented because them as a duo compels me even without my shipping goggles on

without further ado, lets get into it-

I think the most important thing to take from how Julian and Garak are presented in A Stitch in Time is that Garak cares about Julian very, very deeply. whether you interpret that as romantic or not is up to you, but its at least made very clear that Garak cares about Julian. a lot. which, yes, we know from the show that Garak cares, but the depth of his care is truly revealed in this book

I think its safe to say that this book is the most open we see Garak be with Julian. and im not just saying in their scenes together- this entire book was written by Garak, for Julian to read. a chronicle of his history, entries made during their time on DS9, and letters written about what he's doing now on Cardassia, all written for Julian to read. this book is, quite literally, Garak showing everything he is to Julian. which is fucking incredible. we know Garak is a closed-off person and very defensive of himself, we see exactly WHY he's that way, and we're seeing that only because he's spelling it all out to give to Julian. this is an openness that Garak hasn't ever afforded himself in a relationship. and I think its for good reason that the first time he is this open and this honest, its with Julian

I was deeply compelled by Garak's point of view on his and Julian's relationship in the entries that took place during DS9. I love how distant they became from each other, and how strained things got. I never would've read it that way with just the show, and now I cant wait to do a rewatch with this new information in mind. Garak thinks Julian has ended their relationship, he thinks Julian doesnt want to learn any more from him, and he doesnt understand why. he's upset about it- he's mad! his feelings are hurt! but he cant let go. and that ties in with the sentimentality we see in Garak throughout the rest of the book. Garak could no more let go of his connection with Julian than he could his connection with Paladine when he was still on Cardassia. he still answers when Julian calls. he still calls Julian himself. even drifted apart, theyre still connected. they still care. and thats why they come back together before the end of the series- they still love each other. platonically, romantically, however you want to interpret it, you cannot deny that these two love each other

as for Julian's side of this rift. I dont think Julian sees their relationship as over, but I think he can tell something's off. Julian is very awkward in many of his scenes with Garak, and doesnt seem to know how to approach him, or even how to talk to him sometimes. whatever Julian believes is going on here, he knows something's wrong. so, in true Julian fashion, even though he doesnt know what to do or say, he reaches out. he keeps reaching out. he goes out of his way to get Garak's favourite food hand-made. he answers when Garak calls. he calls Garak. he tries to apologize. he tries, he tries, he tries. because he knows, whatever's going on, that he wants to be there for Garak. he wants to help. such is the nature of Julian Bashir- he always just wants to help

I love that his attempts to help are clumsy. the argument Julian and Garak have about Federation vs Cardassian politics is great! because we know Julian is trying to help, but Julian has a habit of being a bit condescending and even arrogant in assuming his way is the right way, and I love that Garak actually gets mad about it here. this argument really highlights just how different Julian and Garak are, but it also serves to point out just how strained Garak is with everything going on with the Dominion and Cardassia at this point. Garak is surprised at his own outburst, and I think part of it is because he's typically better at hiding his feelings, but I also think part of it is that he's this mad towards Julian. I dont think its a stretch to say that this might be reminding Garak of the events of Our Man Bashir. that episode comes up multiple times throughout the DS9 entries, and is an event that Garak associates with him and Julian drifting apart. its also the episode where we see Garak get mad at Julian about these same things- namely his arrogance, in assuming he can save everyone and that things will work out. while at first it surprised me that Garak saw these events as driving a wedge between him and Julian, in hindsight, I think it makes total sense

the idea of Julian pulling away from Garak after Our Man Bashir is what makes it make complete sense. Julian trying to apologize in the last entry for DS9 is what really makes it- he feels bad for hurting Garak. and he avoids talking about it, but he pointedly doesnt deny that he would've killed Garak if he had to, to save the others. of course the guilt of that's been eating him. of course he pulled away. because after Our Man Bashir, as we get into s5 and beyond, we see Julian start to go down a darker path. we see Julian kill. we see him lie, and manipulate, and do harm. we see him forced to compromise his morals, or compromise them by his own choice. so, yeah, it makes sense that he's pulling away from Garak

on the topic of episodes that get brought up- I love that Julian only pulls away further after the events of Doctor Bashir, I Presume? I'd wondered how that episode might've impacted his relationship with Garak, since we dont see it at all in the show besides Garak starting to make cracks at Julian about being augmented. I love that Julian being outed as being augmented played a part in him and Garak drifting apart. if theres one thing I wish would've been included in the DS9 entries, I wish we could've seen if Garak and Julian talked either during or right after the events of that episode. I think it'd be interesting, though, if they didnt. I think it'd be interesting if they never talked about it. I honestly think that could track with how they've drifted apart at this point. it'll be left up to me to wonder, I think, but its all very fascinating

I love that despite everything, Garak's respect and admiration for Julian is always clear- especially when it comes to traits like his kindness. its nice to see that, despite how Garak always gets on Julian's case about his naivety and optimism, he actually does love these so-called "soft things" about Julian. he loves his kindness. he loves his selflessness. he loves that desire Julian has to just help everybody around him. I think this kindness is what really helps pull their relationship back together, in more ways than one

for one thing, I think if Julian wasn't his kind and loving and open self, I dont think Garak would be able to be as open as he is with him. Garak is very much used to people having multiple agendas, and Julian is just not like that. Julian is open and honest to a fault, with his only big secret being that he was augmented, and once thats out in the open, he doesnt have anything left to hide. Julian and Garak's relationship might've started with Julian clumsily trying to be a spy, but it quickly became just... a friendship. Julian doesnt want anything from Garak besides a relationship. he just wants Garak. and its this honest, open approach to that that reminds Garak that this is Julian, who he can trust, and thats what lets them mend this thing between them

I also think its crucial that Garak's respect and admiration for Julian's kindness ultimately overpowers his desire to teach Julian his ways. Garak sees their relationship as over because he believes that Julian doesnt want to learn from him. the hurdle that Garak has to overcome here is that he needs to see that Julian can still learn from him, but not in the way he thinks. Garak has to learn that Julian doesnt need to learn how to be a hardened spy from him. he doesnt need to learn how to close himself off, or be more cynical- what he gets from Garak, what he learns from Garak, is how to be challenged. Garak challenges Julian constantly, forces him to think about things from different perspectives he otherwise wouldnt have considered. Julian gets caught up in believing his way is the right way, he cant always see the other side of things, and Garak is the one who will make him see it. thats why their relationship, even when its distanced, is never over- because Julian is still learning from Garak as he continues to challenge him, and Garak is still learning from Julian as he learns that sentimentality isnt a weakness after all

the last entry set in DS9 means the entire world to me. Garak immediately calling Julian after a nightmare. Julian going to him. the discussion they have. Garak realizing what he has to do. the apologies Julian tries to make, and how Garak won't let him. the way they come together again at last, and you know theyre going to be ok. Garak calling him Julian... you have to wonder if this is the first time Garak has actually called him by his name, because to my memory he doesnt do so at any point in the show. and of course its Julian who makes Garak see what he needs to do, and where he needs to be. just, that entire scene. its so important to me. you can feel the love, and it feels like a sigh of relief, because they've finally bridged this gap between them

to me, though, the most loving bit is the very end of the novel. Garak inviting Julian to come to his home, and see what he's done. Garak has just documented pretty much his entire life and sent it to Julian so that Julian will know every part of him, and he's ended it by inviting Julian to his home. holy shit. this is where the shipping goggles go on cause oh my god. Garak has just gone "here's my heart. here's my soul. here's my core. here's everything that's made me into me. here's what I was thinking when we weren't talking. here's how much I missed you. here's everything youve ever done for me. nothing would make me happier than you coming to see me. come see my home. come see what ive done. I love you. come to my home." this entire novel is such a massive display of vulnerability and trust, of an openness Garak has never allowed himself to express, and it end it by inviting Julian to come to his home? im going to fucking explode.

Garak wasn't this open with Palandine. he wasn't this open with Pythas. he wasn't this open with Tolan, with Mila, with Tain- there's been nobody he's been this open with. his relationship with Julian is so much different than any other relationship he's had, just for the fact that he can be truly, openly himself. and he knows he can be, because he knows Julian. this novel really highlights how well Garak knows Julian, and understands him- he knows Julian will accept him for who he is, because Julian always has. Julian would never be as harsh on Garak as Garak is on himself, Julian is the kind voice in his head, and its exactly BECAUSE he sees Garak for who he is: a man who's trying his best. nobody else has ever seen that in Garak- I dont think even Palandine saw it. I think she probably got the closest to seeing it, and I think Pythas too might've gotten close had they not been separated for so long, but nobody ever got close to Garak like Julian managed to

I think however you interpret the Julian and Garak dynamic, you can read this book and understand that these two love each other. deeply. whether that means platonically or romantically you can interpret yourself, but however you define it, the love is still undeniably there. do I think its romantic? hell yeah. they make me fucking insane and every interaction between them in this book made me scream out loud. but I think its a testament to how theyre written that the love is there no matter how you read it, and that their relationship is just incredibly solid all around. Andrew Robinson clearly put a lot of work and love and thought into how he portrayed these two, and it shows in every scene, every line where Garak even thinks about Julian

alright gonna wrap up because this is getting. so long. I love that this book wasn't about their relationship, but it also was. because this book is, of course, about Garak. but it was written by Garak, for Julian. and it ends perfectly, with Garak holding a hand out and going "you're always welcome, doctor." so, yeah, this is Garak's story, but it's also Garak's story for Julian, and that makes me, personally, feel a little insane

[cassyapper]

i am so curious about your pucci thoughts...

I AM SO FUCKING SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO THIS ASK OH MY FUCKING GOD my life has been crazy lately but still i am So Sorry

okay so basically i love pucci we have to kill him. here is a list of my thoughts in no particular order

he makes me so ill like genuinely he is one of the most well written jojo characters ever and DEFINITELY the most well written villain. like holy shit. i think a lot about how weather said the evilest of people are those who think they are good and how that relates to pucci oh my GOD it makes me sick. pucci like many villains are a "ends justify the means" kinda guy like while he was cruel at many points i truly think he was jsut like, yes this is a moment of weakness but it wont matter because im going to fix it. i think aobut how he really thought he was going to save everyone. he was going to save perla. he was going to save dio. he was going to save himself. and thinking baout things from his side, like, oh my god. dio was his only friend. we the audience know that dio groomed him (not necessarily sexually but still grooming) and even though dio did seem to grow to truly care for pucci, he didnt care enough to not use him for his plan to restart the world -- but PUCCI didnt know that. im sure he had inklings and feelings like he's not NAIVE, im sure he KNEW dio was using him at SOME point, but it wouldnt change the fact dio still eventually saw him and was his friend either way. it wouldnt change the fact that he would do this one thing for his only friend, even if his only friend BECAME his friend in the first place just to make him fulfill this task. god dio and pucci's relationship is so insane i hate hate hate that people boil it down to just shipping LIKE THERE WAS RESENTMENT THERE WAS ANGER THERE WAS SO MUCH LOVE AND HALF OF IT WAS LOVE FOR WHAT THE OTHER COULD DO FOR HIM INSTEAD OF JUST HIM HIMSELF . LIKE FUCK'S SAKE im sick of ppl putting a romantic spin on everything and YES this is half me being aromatnic but also COME ON. and that's not even getting into the fact dio and pucci's relationship is supposed to parallel jolyne and jotaro's/jolyne and jonathan's. but anyway

god he loved his sister so much man it makes me sick he jsut wanted her safe man. after everything....i choose to believe his final thoughts were of perla. it's why he was begging for everything he did to have meant SOMETHING -- please let if have meant perla got a good life in whatever universe the world will end up in. i like to believe she did. he won't be there to see it. oh god he wont be there ot see it. fuck. maybe that was for the best in his mind anyway

his drama and tragedy aside he's also the funniest guy in the entire world. why the hell is a catholic priest wearing gucci. well i guess that answers the question but still. he is so fucking funny he is not even subtle about it he is LITERALLY like EOUGH DONT TOUCH MY EXPENSIVE DESIGNER PANTS and then he kicks a cop to his death for it. he's so fucking funny i love him so much. i love that whitesnake is independent enough to have its own personality and he and pucci get into spats sometimes OS FUCKING FUNNY. MFW I ARGUE WITH MY OWN SOUL.

also my disdain for shipping culture aside i cannot deny that pucci is a homophobic homosexual. he and jotaro totally banged a couple times and awkwardly called it off when pucci first sees jotaro's birthmark and he's like oh no. SO FUCKING FUNNY

ugh sorry i jsut want to go back to this point he's so smart he's so Aware of how people work and connect he's always had a fine sense for it (do you believe in gravity...) OUGH like there's no WAY HE DIDN'T KNOW DIO WAS USING HIM BUT HE STILL LOVED DIO AND I THINK BEYOND THAT. I THINK HE TRUY BELIEVED WHAT DIO WAS SAYING. I THINK HE TRULY BELIEVED OKAY EVEN IF DIO HAS HIS OWN MOTIVES HERE, THIS END IS JSUT. SO I WILL KEEP FOLLWOING ALONG. LIKE. I. i truly think he thought this would save everyone, especially perla. ohuogh my god PUCCIIIIIIIIIIIII

in short, he makes me sick we have to kill him. i like him a lot

[mythoughtfulideas]

give it a name

there's this gut retching feeling i can never put into words. there isnt a word for it. it's just mental anguish. maybe something like limerence is the closest to it, but im not longing for anyone but my future self. but that isn't always the case, sometimes im just too aware of my existence and it bugs me ngl. it's like deeply rooted in my soul, sometimes just crashes over me after i watch a movie that changes my brain chemistry. i yearn for an explanation of this feeling, i get it and i sometimes miss people who aren't in my life and who dont even deserve to be in it. i remember them with a smile on my face but my heart aches, ill never know why they did that when i was so gentle with them. the people just change overtime for the better. i feel too wise for how young i am, it's sort of suffocating baring such strong feelings and thoughts. not to sound arrogant or anything, i am aware im emotionally intelligent. sometimes people dont believe me when i tell them i am due to my mannerism, im pretty lively most days, always laughing and pretty loud. but i am pretty quiet lots of time, i just ponder. im a mix of both but i truly am this quiet girl who likes to think of herself as super cool and complex. i havent met more than a single person who understands part of my soul, i wish that when i get into a meaningful relationship with a man that he will understand himself, along with his soul because i cannot stand the idea of programming someone to do something that meaningful. and that one person is a girl i talk to maybe 4 times a month but i love her from the bottom of my heart because she understands part of me no one does.

[girlygguk]

lyssa, you are loved and adored, i wanted you to know that i love you, and that everyday that has passed, i will always have a warm feeling when remembering you. maybe some things have always kept me away. but for you, i will always smile.

kingston by faye webster has always been a song that i think of when ever seeing your account on the very rare times i ever enter tumblr. the way you type and everything about you is so cute and pretty lyssa needs to know she is beautiful. the kind of beautiful that is unmatched and ethereal. that every single word that exits your soft lips is beautiful. it adds to the value of your pure existence. and the type that makes me hide my cold face in my warm palms and feel warm arms around me. some girls are just so sweet you wish to be so many people so that to be on your knees every day and night and worship them.

its not possible for me to gift you something as gentle and sweet as you, but maybe sending you a small message that is absolutely not as big as your heart- will heal the small guilt inside me for that.

there are nights where i cannot sleep because i hold a fear of having nightmares that can ruin my day. but i remember the nights where i would open tumblr and see notifications from you posting or anything- and i would have this giddy feeling that made me feel idiotic.

so many people im sure have this feeling because you spread so much warmth and kindness 🩹 but i might be one of hundreds that is saying this now.

happy new years lyssa, thank you for making love jungkook stans more than i already did

i hope you sleep warmly tonight, for you to receive gentle kisses and love letters that are obviously better thn this haha. trying is what ill always do though, just trying my best to make you feel special, even though you are so much more than some words of love from me <3

noooo no nooonono this can’t be real

baby … i have never been told something so kind and sweet and beautiful in my entire life. i am genuinely at a loss.

lemme just start by saying this ?????

absolutely insane. i cannot BELIEVE that you get this kind of comfort from me. i dont even know what else to say besides i’m honoured? this makes my heart sooooo happy and i am literally stationary somersaulting first in line to fistfight the nightmare demons baby.. they will never touch u ever again

ohh lemme overshare real quick as it’s my specialty ❤️ i have severe insomnia (at this point what illness do i Not have good damn bye 😭) and while i take meds to sleep, i KNOOW how hard it is to get there sometimes babyy. it sounds cliche and v borderline dependent, but on the nights i don’t want to take my pills bc they make me groggy in the morn, i text/call my comfort person. works like a charm 🤞 for me to be that for you in any way baby ohhhh… you don’t know what that does to me

shoot me if i’m overstepping, BUTTT if ur comfortable.. u could send me another ask from your main?? 🥺 LITERALLY dont if ur not baby!! butt if u do, i won’t post it, and maybe we can dm whenever you feel like that .. love you bubba <<3

happy happy happy new year my darling. this has truly made my year, and we’ve only just begun. you are an absolute angel and i will truly truly cherish these words for the rest of my time. such a beautiful soul baby. thank you 🩷

alsoo i just listened to this song for the first time (twice) while typing this up and now there are big fat tears streaming down my cheeks.. ohhhh i am so in love with you baby

[realcatalina]

I read a theory that these and other miniatures thought to be originals were copies ordered by Mary I or Elizabeth; you can see why, as the ones for which we have another example have more detail and are less "washed out"

This theory put Levina Teerlinc, court miniaturist to Elizabeth I, as the copyist, and included these in the set as ones for which we no longer have the original (Katherine Parr and Mary Tudor):

Imo, it is not impossible for excellent copies to be hiding among originals. Especially since miniatures don't have as many options for testing as larger portraits do.

Lots of artist created copies of previous works, some of them are truly master-level forgery/copy which is truly hard to tell apart.

However in Tudor times there was also normal for royalty to have portraits which i call 'twins' where posture is exact same, but outfit-gown, jewelry is different.

Sometimes entirely, sometimes only tiny bit.

That is in my opinion the case with Henry's miniatures above also.

Since twins can be separated over the centuries, they can be in starkingly different conditions, which can sometimes account for washing out of the colours. Sometimes also it is quality of the photograph.

(I also explained in my previous post that two of those miniatures could be same person, but different year-just very close in time. Which is unsually fast for non-royal.)

The differences in style can also be hard to determine because Lucas Horenbout was not the only miniaturist working for Tudors prior to Levina Teerlic. There was several of them, and only one who we can recognize is Holbein.

Thus it is harder to tell which miniatures are truly from reign of Henry VIII.

We cannot even tell if miniatures atributed to Lucas might have not been created also by his sister Susanna. Workshops normally are very difficult. Family workshops? near impossible to tell who did what.

But among all those you shown, there is one which I even believe to be a copy. Not that the style wouldn't match. The face is excellent.

It's wrong format. Chance that this is sole square miniature, in sea of round ones, I don't buy it.

My theory is that it was created during reign of Mary I. (Because why would Elizabeth I have it made?) To be match to Henry's existing miniature, which is set within square, but is round.

And the person changed the veils of the gable hood to style which appears in c.1526-1527-thus Catherine would have worn it, but with different ends of paste.

Imo it copy after this one on left-which is not so pleasing to the eye-but that is Horenbout's style. He could make anybody look unflattering.

The necklace was turned into weird thing i cant ven describe(and it never appears anywhere else), pearls were added around bodice. Paste ends are not traluscent-as they shouldn't be. But i think on original Horenbout might have fixed that mistake, only for that layer to worn off over time.

Rest of the outfit is probably based upon this painting(i played with its backgroud because you couldnt really see ends of black veil)-which also has proper necklace:

Imo it and the original round miniatures are so alike in outfit and posture, we could even consider them 'twins'...although one by miniaturist, one by another artist.

Closer inspection reveals minor differences such as extra pearl trim to veil on right, the difference to chemise embroidery and edge, pearl chains on shoulders.

The one on right(bellow) has nearly identical face, yet none of the issues with the outfit. Thus i don't suspect that one.

What i am trying to say is that yes, there can be well-made copies, which are being labeled as originals. Or were in past.

But just as copy can be thought to be original by public or experts, the original can be overlooked, because it is believed to be a copy.

Also, dont think that the copy cannot be contemporary. Some of the ugly copies of Henry VIII are provenly just few years older than his original paintings.

Thus not only you can have copies made during reign of Mary I or Elizabeth I, you can have copies created in 1530s or 1540s. Possibly even by original artist. Holbein did it with portraits of Jane!

And not all of them are of same quality! Despite being originals.

Because they were comissioned by different people. -that can affect colours. But the outfit should fit her lifetime in each.

What one has to do is not take their word for it. Investigate, nitpick over the details or sent me pictures and I will do it for you.

[sicklyseraphnsuch]

Egbert and Lalonde

John and Rose shared a very sweet relationship at the start of Homestuck and honestly, I feel that both John and Rose share a similar trajectory after the game ended.

Both felt shackled in the aftermath. Rose's classpect has done more to stifle the "rebellious" girl who sought to write her own quest, than anything else. But of course, any woman carving her own path in the world is considered "rebellious" when she's just doing her thing. And after the game, Rose feels beholden to the "Narrative"/Fortune as she Sees it, and doesn't seek a path that she cannot See.

And we all know how John fell apart.

In Candy, they actually made similar paths as well. John married Roxy, Rose married Kanaya. They had wedded bliss. But at some point, they just started going through the motions - which is INFINITELY more interesting to me than wedded bliss. John and Roxy eventually divorced but Rose didn't. Again, this is part of her Seeing a path and feeling chained to it. Kanaya even asks in BC: "when did you stop trying?"

Both John and Rose (either in Candy or Meat) suffer from an intense loneliness. To quote the show Kaos, "There's no loneliness quite like that with someone you're falling out of love with. Especially when that person doesn't know it yet." And I suspect that's what happened to Rose. Whereas John in Candy eventually divorces Roxy (though how in love he was is actually unclear). And John in Meat has sex with a Terezi that fell in love with his Candy version, and was also dying, so how much of his love is true and strong is also dubious.

This depression makes sense, and I'm not mad at all about the way Hussie wrote this (TBH). But I am also hyper invested in how this all shakes out. I think Hussie made a bold decision in writing truly pathetic characters who made awful decisions. Because to me now, the End feels like a Beginning all over again.

(I also am okay with Jane becoming the Bad Mom/Worst Villain, bc we need more of those and honestly, her being a Good Mom would also be death of her character however More palatable that would be to the fandom. At least this character "death" is fucking interesting. I support women's wrongs. Go get 'em.)

(And honestly the way I feel like the narrative should wrap up is by making the End as the Middle instead. But thats my writerly preference)

So, I think... Rose and Kanaya should probably break up. Kanaya doesn't deserve the bullshit Rose put her through and if Rose is falling out of love, they both deserve to be honest about it. This is Rose "breaking the game" all over again, and by that I mean Rose "breaking the Happy Ending norms that society likes to enforce on the populace". Sometimes, divorce IS what leads to the Good Ending. Sometimes, love ISNT forever. I am delighted by this sincerely.

But the story shouldnt end with the divorce (thats too normal!!!). Lets be weird. Anyways, Rose owes herself the Truth. I hope the story kickstarts both her and Kanaya's stories again and maybe... Maybe they'll hate each other and they'll end up as kismesis bc Kanaya is wasted in Flush romances gurl I know you can tear a body in two. And uh... well... let's fade to black here. Heehee.

As for John... I actually really love June as his next development. But here's my thing. I dont believe John is one of the people "who always knew they were going to transition". I dont buy that the only "valid transperson" is someone who knew from a young age that they were "trans". I know people who were Cis* for a good chunk of their life and through a confluence of events realize hey... That cis* isnt working for them anymore. (*for a given definition of cis)

I think John follows this trajectory. Dont even get me started on people who think that devaluing ANY transition bc "oh you were traumatized so youre only transitioning out of trauma". First of all, those people would devalue ALL transitions at the drop of a hat. Hey, newsflash, your past experiences in fact inform your present realities. And hey, sometimes, that means a cis*boy decides that instead of doing a piroutte into death, a better and more hopeful change maybe in becoming a woman.

I dont think John becoming June will magically remove her depression. I think June needs some prozac on top of the girlpill. But you know... It feels like a breath of fresh air for June to Become something new. Because John deserves to rest, and June deserves a chance to scratch and bite her way into a new life. I looooove June as a way of Egbert forging an identity thats not part of the game anymore. It honestly feels narratively perfect to me. She's still going to be depressed and traumatized but she's relearning how to be.

Tl;Dr I think Rose Lalonde and J. Egbert should Become Something New. Maybe that means Rose dates different people and maybe that means John grows into June.

[m--rtyr]

hellooooo oml i am like drinking so i might ot be the most sensical rn but hello. helloo

i commissioned you ocne and idk how many comms you get so this might be sooo obvious who i am but !!!! your art is so lovely. its so beautifl. i look at it and i see a painting. i see a visison. i look at the piece you made for me and feel like i robbed you with the costs for how it has shifted and tken a new place in my heart. i look at it so fondly bc how can you make something so beautiful ??? oml the skill and dedication you have put into honing your craft astounds me. it takes my breath away. sometimes i feel jealous for not knowing you bc i wish i could peel back your skin and peer into your brain and learn what churns in your head and how you generate your ideas and just. how much effort goes into making such beautiful things

oml and your writing HHAH. i went into the new lycorris radiata fic prologue recently (i can[t believe you deleted the original chap one i lovoveeed that thing king) (it took me like five attempts to speel king right) and i love the changes. i was writing a review in my notes app about it and i was painstaking lygoing through it all and i think i was liikkek??? 600 words in /?? and my phone had the audacity to nottt translates my notes over when i changed phones as if i haven't been working on my review for a week. fml.

but it is so beaitufl. you write like a fairytale. this issooo embarrassig and i'm gonna wake up tomorrow so embarrassed for sending this and feeling so parascial lmao but your art is truly beautiful. its like a microcosm of everything that makes you you even if i dont know you adn tyu build this tneous connection between the reader and the author and the stry and it leaves me in awe. you wrrite like a fairytale. the description is beautiful the characterisation is awe-inspiring and it creates a little place in my ribs where i think back on it and go wow. ths is the kind of story i will think back on for years to come.

SORRY I AM thteee sappiest drunk everr. we've arely talked this is sooo embarrassing but idk. yiour arrt is so gorgeous and i hope you know that. hope you wake up ever morning and you know you've put something so beautifyl out into the world and there is something who dearly anticipates every next word and who thinks your art is beautiful and your writing has changed somethingi nme. i love avra. i love vyla.d i love every word i've read and i wish i could share that oherently in my original review that i lsot but alas.

i'm so sorry LMAMO this will probably bee sooo weird for you to recieve frma strangero ntumbulr. i so need to sober up but its just so breathtaking. your brain is breath taking. i cannot wait for the day you next update or share art or do anything creative bc your wriitng is beautiful your art is beautiful and i smm sooso grateful you shared it with the world. is so beautiful i cannot help but believe you yourslef must be beautiful bc who else could create the kind of art you do

ok im done now im not reading thiisi ober nd i have no idea how long it actually is LMAOA i wish you the best strangerr. you are the kind of person someone would yearn to know (sorry i probs sound sooo parasocial haaha0 and i hope you are soo well

I’m screaming and crying and throwing up and I’m tearing off my clothes so I can run into the woods and howl at the moon and turn into a canine beast

This is

Everything to me, drunk anon, you are everything to me. I will one day get a printer so I can print this ask out, and I will post a YouTube video of me eating the entire thing, with no cuts, and no audio. Full on mukbang. Because I need this to be a part of my soul. And people will argue that consuming something does not integrate it into you forever but I would rather this be a part of me for only a short while than never at all

This has me feral and insane, you’re so sweet about me and you write in such a poetic prose I need you to write some kind of fiction now.

For this alone I will draw you a thousand pieces of art, using my own blood sweat and tears as my materials if I must. You are everything, Anon.

I wish that review still existed simply so I could read more of your words because if this is you drunk then I cannot imagine how you talk sober.

[jyndor]

im the anon you told to fuck off here to say thank you.

i had read about terrorist organizations using that slogan and i had a gut reaction. im a jew and i fear for both muslims and jews with everything that is going on right now. because i read what you wrote and i researched again and i see where propaganda got the better of me (even if those words have been used by terrorists). and i see time and time again where propaganda gets the better of most of us on something as fast paced as the internet.

as i read i remembered. the naz*s took a symbol that was once peaceful and turned it into something the world cannot look at the same way ever again-entirely their fault not the fault of the original culture from which the symbol came.

i dont want to see that happen with words that are truly important and stand for something i do believe in which to be clear: is a free and peaceful palestine where no one has to live in fear.

in saying what i did based off of a gut reaction i made a mistake. i did the same thing i hate from others on the internet which is speaking on an issue before doing further research and i am ashamed of that.

but i am also committed to learning and doing better tomorrow. no one can become an expert in any part of this as quickly as plenty have claimed to. im writing this to share my perspective and as a reminder of fallibility for whatever that is worth.

i think its important for ensuring we dont become what we wish to stand against.

thanks again for sharing your research. you told me to fuck off but ill sign off by wishing you well

anon I'm shook no okay so hold! on the fucking off pls do not fuck off I recant the fucking off. its how I handle anons (I'll explain later) until yall prove you're not trolling or bots or whatever.

it's worth a LOT. like really it's worth a lot. Unfuck off, I would love more people in my orbit who don't just critically engage with criticism but also go on to look into it for themselves. instead of just taking my or someone else's word for it. I try to do that myself because I can be such a fucknugget and sometimes need a good smack lol.

I just want to say I'm sorry that you're experiencing the fear you're experiencing. and um I have jewish cousins and family who I am scared for always, I try not to bring them up bc it feels kind of gross in this context but yeah, I don't want to invalidate your fears.

I mean what the n*zis did with that symbol is a whole other thing and I don't feel like I should speak on it other than to say fuck n*zis they ruin everything they touch. I liken this more to the way that black lives matter gets misconstrued because I know more about the history of that phrase than I do about that symbol you're talking about. I also don't like to bring up n*zism in the context of israel/palestine because actually almost every time I have seen that comparison with israel, it is a cheap shot at jewish people. Like in a youtube comments section or something, not thoughtful discourse - because tbh these are very, very different situations and the comparisons could be made of almost any other genocide, but like the commenter knows it's a painful thing for jewish people and so like I said, it's a cheap shot that's easy to take and says more about them than it does about palestinian liberation or israeli apartheid.

I know plenty of anti-zionist jewish people do actually talk about the shoah in the context of why they support palestinian rights but for me it just doesn't feel right.

and yeah i understand falling for shit - I've done it, it's easy as hell to read something and feel like it's right, like yeah I personally don't actually say from the river to the sea all that often, you won't find it as a tag on my blog because I think it's best coming from palestinians?

you're totally right - no one can possibly learn the history quickly. It's taken me 16 years to feel like I am actually relatively well versed in the history and I'm not even well versed, I'm just decently versed lol. and if you add into it the propaganda that we've all been told for years, and then the added generational trauma you have? of course it's hard to fight gut reactions because often they're somewhat based in experiences we've had or others have had.

the reason I told you as an anon to fuck off is because of my history and views towards anonymous asks more than anything else, btw. THAT is a gut reaction but it is also informed by my experiences. I hope this maybe explains why I may sometimes come off a little harsh towards anons (and why I decided to turn them off - until rebelcaptain secret santa forced me to open them back up lol).

so I used to love to keep anonymous on because I know that a lot of people don't feel comfortable reaching out for a number of reasons and I wanted to remain accessible as a user of this shithole site lol. however what happens is sometimes, a lot of times, people will just be saying anything. and then they'll say "I'm an x person and y is true" and often people getting those anons will be really well-meaning and just accept it at face value. because genuinely so many people want to be on the side of marginalized groups and want to be good allies. and so shitty people will just be saying bullshit about whatever, and people who may not understand the details of whatever situation anon is talking about will say, "oh shit I didn't realize that! Thanks for educating me!"

and often it is legit! and it's also important to remember that no group is monolithic, so if an anon comes into my ask box saying that they are from, idk let's say, venezuela. i don't know a whole lot about venezuela. I know there is a lot of propaganda and shit from the us, and I know that there are class dynamics and racial dynamics that I vaguely understand because I have a relatively okay understanding of the entire region but it's not good enough to hold up more than a little bit under any kind of actual pressure like being told something by someone who claims to be venezuelan and says that everyone is actually indigenous (which i do understand to be indigenous erasure), and so it would be more comfortable for me to just say, "okay thanks for the info, my bad!" etc etc etc which... okay but like what if they're not venezuelan? what if they are and they're actually just anti-indigenous? what if they're a right-winger or a bot or idk just wrong lol. some people can be just incorrect without it being disinformation, right? so if I post that without any pushback or skepticism, I'm now spreading misinformation that is used to harm indigenous people.

so for me, because anons necessarily get to hide their identities more than even these already relatively anonymous social media accounts do, my policy has always been to handle them with skepticism and frankly to assume the worst.

not everyone does that and also like I don't have a big following but I don't have a TINY following either so I do feel some responsibility to provide accurate information. and that's just from years of experience and not always doing that lol.

anyway sorry for being long-winded, and thank you for reading what I wrote and more importantly for not just taking what I said at face value but for doing the research yourself. that's what is most important.

[limpfisted]

WYLL’S FLAWED PERSPECTIVE. or, how to “read” my replies!

i personally believe wyll is a flawed character and its important to give him the full spectrum of emotions beyond “good” ��kind” or “bad” “evil.”

i am personally working on trying to stay “ic” and true to my characters, without pushing the character into saying something that will like, be good for a ship, or like, be an “rp people pleaser” if that makes senses!

i don’t JUST want to have interactions where wyll is perfect. to me, wyll has flaws in the way he communicates and sees the world. this does not mean he is not heroic, or a kind, decent man—it just means i love him as a character for his layers. these things make him more REAL and complex than i think wyll as a PERSON wants to be, in a kind of “hide my truth, hide my feelings, elsa frozen kinnie” way

so without further ado, here are some things wyll might do or want to do or say incorrectly or percieve your character in the wrong way even tho i personally would not behave in the same ways irl On Purpose For Some Of These Things

CONDESCENDING. wyll believes he knows best. wyll believes he can say all the right words and “fix things.” he can make EVERYTHING better. he has a SAVIOR COMPLEX. while never being a perfect martyr, he really does think he can “ahaaha dont have depression ur so sexy” ur ass by being gentle and kind and roleplaying a fairy tale with you. additionally, if you seem “soft” in some way, or “meek” in some way, wyll want to “help you” more.

AVOIDANT. wyll does not want to talk about what he wants, what he notices, what he feels, except in poetryor tall tales or threats of violence. his pretty words sometimes hide an emptiness, a dreaminess. he speaks of things he cannot have and will not ask for. he is embarrassed to want, embarrassed to need, attention, desire, anything but charm and protecting the innocent and meek.

OVERLY ROMANTIC. this ties in with above. he idealizes people, he puts them on pedestals, he treats them like they are made of glass. he does not humanize others or himself enough, and prefers to live in a world of fantasies and pretend.

BOASTFUL. wyll tries to be humble—but this is to match a persona. if you dive even slightly deeper into things, he’s all too happy to tell you how strong and heroic he is, to the point of condescion and vanity. on the other hand, he will not take you seriously if you threaten him! he’ll threaten you back! he doesnt give a single fuck!

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING AND SNAP JUDGEMENTS. to wyll, you are either “hunter” “prey” “hero/villain” the person he needs to protect people from. he will bide his time—but it is difficult for him to trear villains kindly, and he will NEVER truly respect them as people, unless they prove they have changed or are not trying to hurt anyone currently.

WILL WORK WITH VILLAINS. WILL MAKE DEALS WITH DEVILS. WILL ALSO HUNT THEM FOR SPORT. easy to understand, wyll believes he can “control” devils, if they are useful to him. wyll can ally with evil—even if he is just biding his time to kill them later.

VIOLENT. ROLEPLAYER. if you are evil, he will just want to kill you and that’s that! he wanted to kill every goblin at that camp! he relishes in violence as long as it’s for justice. he gets off on the power and pomp of it n his heroism—even when its not actually heroic

WORDS GET AWAY FROM HIM. he will speak with intention, but has a tendency to ramble poetically. when angry, and threatening someone, sometimes he makes no sense at all bc he just wants murder myrder death death justice

A SILLY BILLY!! he can take himself very seriously, but also he is brainweird and skin hungry n loves to touch n be weird and wrestle n write funny poems and get drunk n dance under the stars. he’s a silly ex-(would have been a theatre kid but his dad wanted him to join jrotc instead) kid! he likes big bold gestures. he is EXTREMELY REPRESSED, but the closer he gets to u, the more ull see his joy n not just his “good hero”

DEEPLY LONELY AND APPROVAL SEEKING. wyll really likes it when people pay attention to him. nore than he likes actually doing good things, sometimes. note: there is nothing wrong with doing good things for recognition, everyone deserves recognition of hard work n pain. but it still makes him more interesting to me than generic hero!:

EASILY CORRUPTABLE / MOLDABLE / MANIPULATED. he approves of killing for auntie ethel n them immediatley goes. oh. fuck. oh no…. i fucked up. im trash…. he got i. cahoots with mizora and thinks he CHOSE that bc hes so so good!

NOT IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEELINGS. wyll doesn’t always know wgat’s going on his beain/heart, n honestly he doesn’t want to think abt it too hard! but i will! i always will, wyll.

SMART, BUT DOESN’T CARE ENOUGH TO QUESTION. i dont feel like writing anymore god free me. free me from the sin of my hubris. free me. no more writing

THERE ARE MORE THINGS PROBABLY BUT I DONT FERL LIKE WRITING THEM. LOOK AT MY PRETTY HC BANNER ITS SO PRETTY. GOODBYE FOREVER

something so,ething hes traumatized and pushes people away n puts them on a pedestal so they can never know how scarred and scared and unworthy he feels bc of the deep loneliness inside him from his family’s emotional instability coupled with being homeless as a teenager with only an abuser to guide him thru his late teens, etc

[bibookmerm]

getting my shit together

Ok, first of all: there are several skills I lack that it is becoming apparent I need to learn/improve.

One is driving. My wife and I are looking to get our first car. She needs it for work. She drives. Our roommate drives. But I dont. And I was just talking to my friend about how we can never get our friends together bc most of us dont drive/dont have cars. We need more gays that can drive, so I have to step up, lol.

Two. I need to feel confident hand sewing. It's not that I "cant". I know how to thread a needle and do a backstitch, running stitch, whip stitch. But I am very slow bc I havent had much practice, so it annoys me, so I avoid it. I have a dozen little fixes I could do and I should do those. People who sew regularly can do these things in like 10 seconds. I wanna be them.

Three. I need to learn to swallow pills BEFORE my top surgery in March so I dont have to be like "do u have liquid painkiller 🥺" because what if they're like "no". And also, needing an alternative is pricey. (this is something where I believe my disability comes in. Coordinating my muscles in new ways OR more quickly than usual is difficult for me. Like of course I swallow food every day, but normally I take my time chewing first, so to place something in my mouth and quickly swallow it feels daunting. That's the best way I can explain it. Just feels like a different ball game lol. My pcp gave me a trick to try, so I will try it.)

.

The other thing is, I am at a level of stress I personally find untenable. I am not wading through any major personal tragedy at this moment, so honestly I feel kinda like. Damn. Why is ~everything so hard~? Am I being dramatic? What happens when shit truly hits the fan if I am already unstable now? Well, I clearly need to put some measures in place now so I can tread water.

Such as:

Establishing a baseline level of cleanliness/clutter for the apartment. Aim for everything to be above that baseline most of the time, but understand sometimes it will sink to that level when something else must be prioritized above household chores for a minute. In its current state, I'm embarrassed to invite anyone over here. I want the baseline to be just, what I could deal with someone seeing. If I don't feel comfy having someone sit at my kitchen table or couch for an afternoon, it's too messy. I need to specifically write down the "acceptable level", get it up to that, and keep it there/above. This could also be a conversation with my wife and roommate to be clear on what everyone defines as acceptable and all work to keep it at whoever's ideal is highest.

Buying some wardrobe staples. My clothes not fitting is uncomfortable. I expect to gain more weight as I stay on T, sooo I should get some stuff that's a little loose now?

I've noticed I need more gender validation. I get misgendered constantly, working two public facing jobs, and I've started thinking some self depreciating thoughts. Maybe I need to work harder to counter these things within myself and not seek it from others, but yeah, this is one reason I need therapy. I had such a positive self image like a year ago and I'm losing it :/

Challenge my social anxiety. Another thing it's a good idea to have a therapist's guidance in. I feel so overwhelmed that I forget quality time with friends helps me recharge! I need to balance draining peopleing with healthy peopleing.

There's more, but if I can do this much, the stressors I cannot change should be easier to bear. Now to actually go set all the things in motion.

[scentedchildnacho]

The new staff is funny but I think she is going to have to find out that the cats need their litter box and a scratching post near they poop on fabric because if their not allowed scratching they get çonstipated their a chore till given litter box and scratching post

They are an intensive chore too they poop like dogs and it's having to get a scoop bag it's like time and effort

Cole is a cool cat and fights with her about pooping on the outside wicker so you dont have to discipline the girl cat for him

Its like Cole's territory and he has fight wounds from a dog and she messed his territory and he is a tough cat

He is maybe partly coon he is tough like a snake and big for an abyssinian

Then she finds politically correct about addiction important like don't say addict so I felt like warning her that her personal injury won't be requirements if you don't learn the politically incorrect aspects of things

To me addict implies obsession compulsion so subconscious mechanisms like washing one's hands too much and not knowing why

It tends to exonerate and remove disciplinarians that claim people can help themselves who cannot anymore

I believe in dissociation and personality change so they are an addict is to imply that their personality did completely alter and sometimes you have to ask satanically ritualistically abused people if they have a protective name they prefer to be called

My friend this bartender in natchez that truly is her job to be an alcoholic that is what she does for a living is stages control group studies and experiments liquor on herself

What else did I say about politically incorrect I said my travels sometimes brought me to americans who I think were Muslims sometimes so I actually found around crazy people more seriously devout and apart of religion....it's this physical strength people seek....lehi though would try the fruit and keep believing his conversations with God that the city had become wicked and they would desire extensive changes say San Diego and helicopters and midday construction wars

Wicked southern California is a popular and subtly witchin place

San Diego scary scary very not nice Parisian like place instead of like new York where the city has to conform to the boundaries of an inner natural preserve

I don't agree with confederates that would seige themselves inside I don't think whites would really be murdered if they went to natural revivals with black brethren I am just some white lady and I'm fine it's more for those conflicts I can't be alone without someone to talk to police sometimes or it would just hurt me

Crazy if He tries to touch me crazy was in the basement of Irish and Italian basilicas and crazy can really power war back at him

I wasnt too interested in the black brethren culture I am mostly interested in economic development for myself that includes a diverse wealth until police in Madison wisconsin called me a racist and beat me up in shocking and obscene ways and large amounts of people went to the capital to tell walker the writ of habeous corpus matters and creating white terrorists is brutal and wrong

Zitkala sa...I am not sure if the clinic I am guessing about is racist Richard wright on communism and the amount of contagion he wasn't seen for

Lynch syndrome and micro satellites....the police did know about white terrorists that they had done something to purge their intestines till portions of it needed to be removed and they can't resist micro satellites drone suggestion and they still chased a hells angels lady around when they should have been more sympathetic and maturate about

Mary baker Eddy and healing its these small historic mistakes like claiming the Nazis party was modernity instead of 20th century emergent

I was Lutheran lemmon charities it's this mistake that Lutheran's are separate from catholicists instead of an ongoing philosophical conversation

California at Irvine....wave theory....I did find the clinic that would be Texas and normal school....when they reach zero or rock bottom in San Diego they treat it like a Pandora's box and all these strange high impact athletics start proxemics hitting at the leisure families and this could also just mean a brief wave of intensity instead of hitting and high adrenaline

That's more a school and the strong white lady will do these physical therapies to start but then the brethren have to learn this lemmon charities

Uhm white ladies did work under naval ship captains so I think the homosexual metaphor there they didn't have too much to worry about though

Compared to Lutheran's the same white skin black hair if Californian is too mean and beaterish

The Californian is to heroin the jobs here cause people to attack them instead of Christians I would do things sometimes till people I would want relations with would want to meet more people then me

I get shy about relationships and judge correctly that many people I know might be good for ME about relations would be hard on my sense of I and not talk correctly to me about some of my psychoanalytic misperceptions....in fact I might feel rejected and so treat them like ME is all they want and that's boring and they eventually allow me re enforcements so I don't have to anymore

No the really sad minor stuff that happened to me those young men had problems and I don't wish them on anyone they needed to get help...

No those people needed to live soberly and live lives they wanted and not bother me with strange mean possessive rituals I have to read Harvard women about wet land destruction about what type of Man was that becoming

Hidden Caribbean Islanders like Puerto Ricans know how to literize

Guess is clinic and no there were factories...it was a factory

No there was a factory it appears like there are no factories in the states because they caused micro satellites sweat problems...and we cannot buy made in the USA or people around the problem appear to endorse concentrative sweat

That's why it appears like only China produces things

PLZ....blue banner...around the block are factories that's why the energy is so disturbing in proxemics

Nunavut treaty space medicine and oxygen....the matrix

I am not a bunk to heat and release oxygen from I am someone

Nunavut treaty the inuit were found to have the most toxic breast milk.....specifications for factories