#and so i will need the money to support myself should i find myself jobless due to sucking at being alive

[justtogetthrough]

Can we tall about the secretary at my school's health clinic trying to tell me I'm not disabled enough to apply for a disability tax credit despite me seeing a doctor there for 10 years, many of those years it was between 2 and 4 times a month because of so many physical and mental health issues. I was like. I don't need to justify to you that I'm disabled and want to apply for this. Fuck you and assuming that because I'm enrolled in university I am not severely impaired by multiple disabling conditions. It's none of your fucking business what's wrong with me.

I didn't say any of that, but I did not accept her rejection and said well okay but I'm going to fill it out with my thoughts and submit it to my doctor for her thoughts via email then anyway because I don't think this is for you to decide without knowing what my doctor and I have been talking about for 10 years.

I was too upset over the weekend to look at the application and fill it out. This morning though the clinic called and this same secretary told me she spoke with the doctor and said I was wanting to apply for the disability tax credit and my doctor supports this and will fill out the application for me afterall so please send them the form.

It's a weird mix of feeling like SEE? I AM DISABLED ENOUGH YOU MOTHERFUCKER WHY DID I HAVE TO PROVE THAT TO YOU and also oh god, I am disabled enough that even though my clinic doesn't typically fill these out because they've yet to encounter a student whose impairment is severe enough to warrant it, my doctor agrees my impairment is severe enough to warrant it.

There's not a lot of space on the forms to explain things so it looks like they rely on the doctor signing off to make that judgment and I truly hope that is the case. But I ticked off walking impairment(describing that is only moderate, and episodic), feeding impairments (severe and daily and I pray they recognize how disabling an eating disorder is, because I straight up cannot feed myself and 90% of the time rely on other people for nutrition, and this is an area where my doctor is extremely familiar with the severe impairment I've had for the last 10 years and how residential treatment didn't really... stick), and the mental functioning impairment (primarily memory related and I have a concussion to back that up, but the executive dysfunction from my dozen diagnoses also don't help and idk how to explain that in such a small box). I am debating whether I need to submit a page of details outlining how many hours a day I spend actively impaired by my inability to eat as well as a laundry list of examples about how my work performance suffers and I'm constantly afraid of losing my job for my inconsistent mental functioning. To even list all the things I do to aid my memory is tedious. I rely a lot on other people for that too. And there were boxes about being able to follow through on plans and goals and shit and it's like. How do I sum up what it's like to be paralyzed. My doctor asks me this every month whether I can take care of myself and my house and the answer is always no. But how do we explain that in a little box? Really, my impairment looks like just lying down not doing anything, and constant anxiety attacks about not being able to perform basic tasks. Am I supposed to list all the things I cannot do despite wanting to? Do I list the executive functions that simply don't work 90% of the time? Idk man. I jotted in some thoughts and am otherwise telling my doctor to go ham and fill in details from a medical perspective.

The fact that she won't complete these applications for other students because they're not impaired enough, but in my case she's like yep absolutely. I... I have very mixed feelings about the sorry state of my life. I truly believe I am failing pretty hard at independence and without having reliable friends or my kid living here anymore I am super not keeping up with day to day responsibilities, especially when it comes to eating. At least my kid made sure I ate. On one hand I'm glad my application is supported because if it's approved I'll get a nice tax credit and the government will also match a portion of my retirement savings. But on the other hand, god its embarrassing how poorly I function.

It's like I went from having to argue that I am disabled enough to this receptionist who doesnt know me very well despite seeing me for 10 years, to then getting confirmation that I am disabled enough as verified by my doctor and it feels like my early 20s again when my impairments were at their peak and there was so much grief and loss and depression about everything I couldn't do and how it wasn't fair. But now that's become the norm and I forget this isn't typical. I really am disabled enough that my doctor is willing to fill out this application.

[aphrodite1288]

This is not about kadi so if you don't want to answer I would understand. Have you ever had information that surprised you? Something you can't believe? Related to kpop idols, actors or ent industry?

That Jongdae didn't want to have a child at this young age and in the beginning of his Solo career! But once it happened he was so accepting and so understanding! He married his GF becoz he loved her and accepted her pregnancy with open arms even though that brought him so much hate! But he protected her and never let the bad words reach her he is a shield to her and his baby 🍼 But the baby was not planned! when the girl is born he loved her with all his heart and she is so spoiled i saw her she is so cute and has Jongdae's lips 👄. I recently saw Jongdae's footage with his wife and daughter at Apujongreodo entering the mall, he was holding his baby and his wife was holding the baby bag! And they went shopping and got back into his fancy black car.

All Exo members are smoking some stopped but most of them not!

That Sehun is not a happy person and he has more dark thoughts that what y'all see. He hasn't had the best childhood like yall thought. I won't say more i don't want to interfere his private life and expose it. So please Love him and give him a lot of support! He is lovely and he thinks he is useless in the band and members always cheer him up but he needs to hear it from his fans! That's why he is working harder and attending vocalization lessons with Baekhyun and chanyeol's voice tuning teacher and y'all can tell his singing skills has improved from the DFTF ALBUM!!! PLEASE GIVE HIM LOTS OF LOVE!, He is working hard for his fans to be proud of him! He needs reassurance!

That BAEKHYUN is so attached to ExoL! He is so scared of losing them and being forgotten when he comes back from military. He has these doubts and he talked about it with everyone he knew! Even His Fans! Yes he calls his fans and talks to them!

That BAEKHYUN often calls his fansites' masternims and fans he trusts and they chit-chat a lot!! He is close with them!! He asks them about everything related to Exo if they enjoyed the albums, the songs, his Solo etc.. he asks them if he should improve on something, he asks them to tell him if he lacks something in his latest performances! He even calls his fans to chitchat for hours about what content he should post on youtube ! He asks his closest fans to check what other Exol want him to do! And if they're satisfied with his hard work! And if he made the proud ! He discusses everything that bothers him with some of his fansites and trustworthy fans! ALSO He talks to fans about their struggles and he cheers them up! And buys them gifts during their birthdays yes he remembers their bdays!

That BAEKHYUN loaned money to a fan when she called him saying she needed money! He even paid surgery for a fan!

Sehun often pays meals for Exol secretly before leaving the restaurants or Coffee shops especially when he couldn't sign for them !

That Seungri wasn't the one to be blamed in the burning sun but all evidence was against him and he was played ( I don't know abt this, i don't defend any man who assaulted women as a feminist myself i can't come to terms with believing this but i saw a lot of ppl saying it!)

That BP members are jealous of Jen for getting all the brands and the commercials, which YG ent solved and started distributing solo projects to the other members and asking sponsors to not only focus on Jen and suggesting them the other members! Now we see other members promoting for famous fashion, cosmetics, sports and make up brands, while before, they were jobless and only Jenn who was getting all the money and roles and brands and was the only member active for two years 2018/2019 and even the first one and the yongest to have the earliest solo debut only after 2 years of debuting with her band, i mean a rookie shouldn't get a solo until they skill their singing and acting! But Jenn's potential was big and she has tons of fans that's why YG wanted money so took advantage of her epitome fame to debut her to get cash🤑💰 Jenn didn't like her members being left out and she talked to them about this a lot. This subject of members being jelaous of her bothered her and at a certain period caused their dinamics to go down in the band. She saw them changing and she saved the issue from getting worse by talking to YG coz she truly loved her members.

Jenn is more perverted than what ppl think, she knows a lot of guys and she is very loved by everyone. She is Nice! But she is not innocent! SHE DATES A LOT! ONLY HOT and Tall wealthy GUYS ! MODELS and ULZZANGS! Her mom and dad are in the industry that's why she gets everything she wants and she does work hard for it though! But the opportunities mostly come at her through her parents ! She is very spoiled baby girl.

Kaistal are close friends i mean i saw their pics together and they're still friends and they're still talking and Ji supported her so much when she left SM also he is still supporting her Solo career as an actress now, he texts her to support her works and to give her his opinions, Krystal trusts him a lot he protected her and helped her a lot before! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ksoo hid his relationship with Ji from his Fam for a long time??

Kaisoo kissed during a truth or dare game when Ji lost and had to kiss Kyungsoo on the lips and Ksoo didn't object it was from before debut! I guess that's when the members knew they were in love?? I don't know abt this! I'm not sure. But it's a possible probability.

Chanbaek did kiss but it was not during a truth or dare game, it was Chanyeol who shocked Baekhyun by kissing him on the lips to shush him down 🤫

Chanbaek living together coz baek is a clean freak and can't stay with many ppl in one place he is a private introvert who loves to stay alone and play videogames! And chanyeol granted him this wish and invited him to live in his house for 2years or more i don't remember 🤷🏻‍♀️

SUHO dated Two members of Apink

Jongdae dated one member of Apink!

Exo are so so close with APink!

Luhan had a crush on Chorong from APink!

Sehun is close with Oh Hayong of Apink! Coz they have the same last name!! He is still close to her and supports her a lot, she is close with Suho too! And all other APink members! Sehun is also close to Gugudan.

Taeyeon loved Baekhyun truly and their breakup left a scar on her heart! She hates men now hahaha I hope she gets to find the love of her life she deserves happiness please give her much support! I want her to be dating Ravi he is a softie and will treat her well!

Yeri of RV is a playgirl she is so bold and asks guys out when she likes them! I love her for that! Girl power! But she is so nice!!!

A lot of news about BTS their Gfs their Exes with Pictures and all their dating history, their toxic company overworking them etc... But I'm not too interested in BTS these things came to me I didn't ask for them🤷🏻‍♀️ lucky? IDK maybe.

And many many many more things. I just can't list everything

I don't know if I answered your question! But that's all that came to my mind! Some things may not be too shocking it surprising or unbelievable like you asked but still they're precious secrets and gave them to y'all for free!

[theothewitch]

New Year’s Tarot Spread

let me try to use my intuition to read tarot before i even understand/ research what the cards mean. i’m analyzing the images like how i do in art school.

this spread is a new years tarot spread I’ll write my intuitions before I research the meanings then I will put the actual meanings into bullet points. I rephrased the 2020 to 2021 in this spread.

ok.

overall i feel like it is going to be hard year, as in hard working year. lot’s of labour and i would need to remind myself to rest when I can.

1) What was an important lesson learned in 2020 which will be vital to this year's progress?

(King of Swords)

“ That I was really hard headed last year. and that I did take my place on the throne, like the king in the picture, by being valedictorian, leader of my collective. I (the king) look really stern and wilful that I can take anything that come’s my way.

I think i need to bring this perseverance & leadership through to this year, even though with 2020 it felt like it was a shit year and i didn’t do much after graduation because I am jobless fresh out of school into a pandemic. but actually I really did put the work into projects and my passions and hobbies, although I did not get paid much for it. Continue the professional work and standards you set yourself to have and your group as well.” 

  > Court Card, Vision, Truth, Power, Command, Authority, Law, Intelligence, reason, authority, discipline, integrity, morality, serious, high standards, strict 

  > The King of Swords radiates intellectual power, clear thinking, truth, and authority. He understands that power holds great responsibility. 

  > Because he rules over the suit of swords, he has a special connection to rules, laws, and diplomacy, which are systems of logical thought applied and manifest on earth.

2) What will be my biggest challenge to overcome this year?

( Seven of Wands )

“ It seems like this dude, that actually looks like me because we have the same hair is stressed/ working hard to stick wands into the ground. I think one challenge would be sticking my foundations down to get me going for the rest of the year, to survive, to fulfil my soul and passions, creating, earning money, jobs? priorities need to be set and pushed through. decisions to be placed down and grab the opportunities while you can. I know you are careful and want the best opportunities for yourself. But set a dateline, and stop being so indecisive!”

  > Faith, Standing your ground, protectiveness, standing up for yourself, defending yourself, protecting territory 

  > the man is wearing not matching shoes. This is linked to the symbolism of being on uneven ground or not having a stable footing in life.

  > The overall meaning of the Seven of Wands is to hold your ground, no matter what is challenging your position.

  > setting boundaries in relationship, fighting for romance / fighting off competition, defending your position, facing challenge /  protecting your financial stability, long term success

3) What energy can I work on transmuting to better serve me through 2021? 

( Ace of Wands )

“ It’s a glowing gift from the universe is what it looks like. I think I should work on actively finding inspiration, to fuel me and motivate me to create art. I think I should use my art to actively serve the world. Maybe create a product. Things in the act of giving. I need to be more giving. Resting. Motivation. Creating. Giving. to have vines sprouting out and growing. Stop pitying yourself and the hardships you’ve been through in 2020 and put your energy back into the world, give and interact with more people in your life, in peace, and kindness and give these things, time, to people.”

  > Creation, invention, beginnings, will power, desire, inspiration, creative spark, new initiative, new passion, enthusiasm, energy 

  > The Ace of Wands calls out to you to follow your instincts. If you think that the project that you've been dreaming of is a good idea, and then just go ahead and do it. 

4) What card represents where I'm currently at, moving into 2021?

(Reverse The Devil)

“ I understand the devil card is about balance. But since it is in reverse. I’ve been imbalanced. I’ve been entrapping myself in short-term pleasures, binge shopping when i’m broke, entrapped in my thoughts of others that are of myself, with the hurts and the pains of broken relationships, this past year needs to go. I need to remove the chain that’s already loose, lift it up and over. I’m moving into 2021 in new but low energy. having to renew myself and my direction. This is me wanting more other than the painful physicality of the world. Going into spirituality to help restore balance and realign my life.”

  > independence, freedom, revelation, release, reclaiming power, reclaiming control

  > The upside down meaning of the Devil card can be the moment when an individual becomes self-aware and breaks all of the chains that come with addiction and poor habits. It might be because they are tired of running in circles and are in need of change.  ( I must say this is where I am now, because even yesterday the devil card came out to a question of what was influencing me in the past )

  > But one thing is usually clear – breaking off these chains, especially those of addiction is never easy.

  > feeling more in control of love life, ending co-dependency/  more accountability in career path, feeling empowered at job/   breaking bad financial habits, feeling independent financially

( girlll, i might’ve interpreted it the opposite way haha )

5) What energy can I harness to get to where I want to be? 

( Nine of Pentacles )

“ Bright, warm, yellow energy. In nature. I need to go into nature more. Interact with lovely animals, eat grapes haha. Go into life and your decisions clear and positive. This serve a purpose for you even if it is money, money is to survive and to support yourself. The pentacles could mean financials, and that going into employment as I should, money won’t take over your life. There is the whole world outside of the office and indulge in mother nature and creations for a bright fulfilled life.”

  > rewarded efforts, success, achievement, independence, leisure, material security, self-sufficiency, prudence, safety, success, accomplishment, certitude, discernment 

  > The Nine of Pentacles conveys not only joy, but also the feeling of security and freedom that material wealth can bring.

  > There is something that is missing here - the element of her community and relationships. The gifts of the suits are meant to be shared, and yet this woman is so far from home.

 > Diplomacy and grace will lead to the desired outcome. 

6) What will be the main, overarching theme of 2021?

 (Four of Swords)

“ The lady seems like a warrior, resting and praying. with a golden sword by her side and other three hanging. I think that’s it, I’ll be a like a warrior when I work, and rest as hard as I do. Know that I am honing and using a skill I have in any and everything I’m doing, even if my other skills and talents are put to rest. ( like if i were to work an admin job, my artist lifestyle will still be here and still be part of me ) I think. It should be all in one sentence. Work hard and rest harder. Rest is where all my energy comes from. Charge your body. Charge your soul, keep in touch with your spirituality practices and you’ll be fine.” 

  > Rest, relaxation, peace, sanctuary, recuperation, self-protection, rejuvenation

  > In order to continue and re-emerge in your daily life, you must take the time now to take a breather. 

  > The Four of Swords is a moment of rest. Whether this is from a choice to withdraw, or whether it is from pure exhaustion, it is not clear.

  > The Four of Swords indicates it is time to gather new strength and prepare to face a new challenge. You have faced crisis after crisis, and it is wearing you out. 

  > withdrawing from love life, alone time, taking a break

taking a vacation, mental health day, rest, self-care

anxiety about finances, avoid overthinking about money

[asphalt-cocktail]

For the Sake of Content- Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Live Music is Boring

Summary: After walking in on your long-term boyfriend, Harrison, cheating on you and then losing your job the following day; your find yourself broke, jobless, and single for the first time in a long while. In order to make ends meet, your best friend since college, Freddie, suggests you start soliciting explicit photos of yourself, not only to help boost your confidence but to help pay the rent for his band mate’s apartment you just moved into.

A/N: Hi lil cuties! Back at it again with a new chapter for FSC. I know I said a new chapter was coming tomorrow, but I wanted to post it tonight because I can. Anyways, it’s starting to pick up from here on out! I’m hoping to build a lot of sexual tension over the next few chapters for what I have planned. Like always I really appreciate all of your lovely comments, likes, and reblogs! Seeing your interest is what helps motivate me to write! Also if you would like to be tagged please send me an ask, the comments get lost and then I feel bad when i cant find everyone :/

Pairing: Roger Taylor x F!Reader

Warnings: Language, mentions of sex work, masturbation, sexual tension, some friendly banter between roger and reader, really corny dirty talk, it makes sense when you read it, not proof read, short chapter but don’t worry it gets better.

Word Count: 1.9k

18+ if you are a minor do NOT interact with this post. This is fictitious content and I own nothing.

Roger sat in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal, dressed only in a tasseled vest and leather straight legged pants while you shuffled out in your old worn college sweatshirt and a pair of sleep shorts, “Are those my Golden Grahams?” You asked, stopping at the entrance of the kitchen.

Roger glanced up at you, his under eyes were always slightly droopy and puffy, a stark contrast to his surprisingly wide blue eyes that glared up at you, “Yeah, what about it.” He answered confidently.

“Stop eating my shit, I barely have enough money to support myself let alone you.” You said grabbing the box from the counter and shoving it into the cupboard that held your food.

Roger shrugged, loudly slurping up his spoonful of milk, “Maybe you should get a job then.” He leaned back in his chair “How do you even afford rent anyways?”

You froze, your back still facing Roger. For the last few weeks you had made a decent sum of money camming and selling photos, not that you would tell Roger of all people. “It’s none of your business.” You reminded him while you walked over and pulled out your leftovers from your dinner with Freddie and popped them into the microwave.

“How did you even meet Fred,” He asked suspicious that his friend, Freddie, would dare to have other friends.

You turned towards Roger and leaned against the counter, “College,” you answered pointedly, “We had a digital design class together and he liked the shirt I was wearing.” You answered, you might still have that shirt buried in your closet somewhere, “Where did you meet him?”

Roger continued eating your cereal, “We used to live together, went to different universities, but he needed a roommate.” You had been to Freddie’s home during college, but never met Roger. It was a nice place, but always a cluttered mess, “Now we run the shop and play together.” That’s right, Roger helped sell clothes at the second-hand store.

“What do you play? The guitar?” You scoffed momentarily, “God, I hope you can play something other than Wonderwall.” You joked.

A small smile graced Roger’s features, if you hadn’t had been looking you wouldn’t have seen it, “No, I’m a drummer.” He gave you a confident smirk, the kind that would have caused a girl’s knees to go weak, “But I do play guitar,” He quickly followed with.

You nodded your head, “Ah, a drummer,” You said pulling your food out from the microwave and stabbed your fork into the left-over chicken breast.

“You’ve never been to any of our shows, have you?” Roger pressed.

You shrugged your shoulders, “Nope,” you answered, popping the ‘p’ at the end of your short statement.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, I don’t really like bar concerts I guess.”

Roger scoffed and made a skeptic face, “Where do you see concerts then? The back room of a coffee shop? Some of the best concerts I’ve been to have been in the back of shoddy bars.” He sounded defensive now.

“I just don’t get the point of concerts, I can listen to music on vinyl or Spotify so why should I go to a concert!” You answered back, just as defensive.

“I’m going to call Fred and tell him that you think our music is too boring to see live.” He said reaching for his phone.

You felt your blood run cold, Christ Fred would have your head on a stick if he heard you said that; which you didn’t. You lurched forward, gripping Roger’s wrist, “No!” You shouted, “Don’t call, Fred.” You struggled against his grip

Roger used his free hand to jab his finger into your side, causing you to squeal with laughter and jerk against him “Let go!” He couldn’t hide his own laughter.

You clutched his hand against your chest with your back to him “Promise you won’t tell Fred?” You said, not aware that your shorts had been pulled taut against you and hugged your skin while the crease between your ass and thigh threatened to pop from underneath them.

Roger swallowed thickly, maintaining eye contact with your upper thighs, “Promise you’ll come to our show tonight?” He asked, his voice sounded husky and sent an involuntary shudder through your body.

“Fine, I promise.” You said frowning and feeling your stomach clench at his tone. You quickly released his hand and turned to face him.

Roger’s pouty lips hung slightly ajar and his face was lightly dusted pink, you assumed it was from the struggle prior. “Promise.” He agreed, “But I’m going to tell Fred you’re going.” You groaned knowing Fred would want to doll you up for the occasion.

Thankfully you still had several hours before their 10pm show, so with plenty of time to kill you found yourself seated in front of your computer starting your live stream for the day.

You were dressed in a blue baby doll lingerie that had black lace trim, it was simple and not too revealing; just what you liked. Your colored lights lit up your room and the backdrop you had hung up disguised it for the sake of safety and the camera was perfectly positioned to only show your chest on down. By now you were regular professional.

The red light of your camera blinked and your computer screen loaded before you finally went live. Your regulars were alerted of your stream and soon people began to trickle in and soon your room was filled with a generous number of people. The tips flowed as you interacted with your regulars,

Tank3939 tipped you 50 tokens!

You smiled a sickeningly sweet smile “Thank you tank, you know these tips get me nice and wet.” You sensually said, rubbing your breasts and pushing them together. Tank was a regular, often generously tipping you, “If we reach 1,000 tokens in the next hour, I’ll let you watch me fuck myself on this fat cock.” You said holding up a decently sized dildo, you tried to ignore how much the fake sensuality in your tone caused you to cringe. The way you had to act in order to score tips was perhaps the most annoying part of the gig.

Bigboy64: shit baby how much I got to tip u to do that to me

Tank3939: beautiful sugar

Mojo_Man tipped you 1,000 tokens!

You stopped, doing a double take on at the little red mark on the screen, “Th… thank you, Mojo. I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before.” You gave the camera a wink, “Always nice to see that men know what women want.” You said leaning back and spreading your legs, quickly swiping your fingers through your wet folds and letting out a breathy moan.

The tip bell continued to ring, and your moans threatened to get louder before you stopped, a sultry laugh left your lips “I got to be careful guys, my roommate is in the room next door… wouldn’t want him to hear me,” You gave a naughty giggle, “Or would I?”

Mojo_Man tipped you 500 tokens!

Bigboy64: u ever fuck ur roommate?

Bigboy64: Id fuck u if u were mine

You couldn’t help but grin at the comment, “No, I couldn’t do it, don’t think he likes me very much.” You answered honestly. “Thank you again Mojo, I guess I better get started now that you’ve got me all warmed up. I’ll be right back.” You said, blocking the screen so you could get set up, suctioning the dildo onto the hardwood floor beneath you. You turned around, exposing your ass to the camera and twisted to take the little post-it-note off the camera, “Remember, that little bell makes my tight little pussy wet.” You said once your screen came back into focus.

You sighed, lowering yourself onto the thick cock and sat for a moment allowing it to generously stretch your walls. God, even this fake dick filled you better than Harrison ever could. You leaned forward, sticking your ass out and arching your back and rotated your hips around the dildo, whimpering as you did so.

You readjusted your legs, spreading wider and leaning further forward. Your cheeks spread and put your pussy on display for all 523 people in your live stream. You moaned, pistoning your hips on the plastic cock. Your wet pussy easily glided up and down while your hands reached forward, gripping onto your bed in front of you for balance. Your hips burned while pornographic moans left your lips and your ass bounced with your thrusts. The tip bell rang, one after another, ensuring that you would be able to not only pay rent, but also buy another box of golden grahams for yourself.

Once you finished you gave your signing of speech, “Thank you so much my lovelies!” You said slightly out of breath, “I had so much fun with you all tonight especially my biggest donor for the might Mojo_Man,” you moaned his username out and for good measure kneaded your breasts in your hand before you continued, “Remember to subscribe to my OnlyFans and Snapchat for more content on days I don’t stream! I’ll see you again next Sin Saturday!”

You leaned back against your bed after you sighed off and looked through your stats for the night, 2500 tokens tipped by this Mojo_man, wow he must have really liked your work. You scoffed a bit, poor sap, you thought before you dressed yourself in normal clothes and left to shower and clean yourself off.

A knock on the door alerted you from your shower, your peaceful alone time, “What!” You shouted over the white noise the running water provided.

Without warning, the door opened,“Fred’s going to be over with an outfit for you!” It was Roger.

You rolled your eyes and slicked your hair back and out of your face “Couldn’t you tell me once I got out?” You frowned.

The door quickly shut, “No!” You could hear Roger’s voice growing more distant as he walked further away from the door and sure enough within minutes of your shower ending Freddie was knocking at your bedroom door and soon letting himself in.

“Fred,” You whined, “I look like a slut in this!” You shouted.

“I know!” He countered, “It’s my favorite look on you, you know that!” He straightened out the fabric of your shirt and skirt he had picked out for you.

You looked in the mirror, feeling stupid, “It’s just a bar, Fred. I don’t know why I can’t just go in some jeans!” you protested looking in the mirror.

You could see Roger’s reflection in the mirror, he once again changed his outfit. This time he was wearing an open floral print button down and tight black pants with flared legs, “I think it’s a nice change from that old jumper.” Roger always had to add his own two cents in.

You rolled your eyes, “Why’d you change again? Was your ‘lounge around’ tassel vest not sufficient enough for the show?”

Roger looked at you through narrow eyes, “’Course not, unlike you I care how people see me.”

“All right you two, that’s enough. We have to go over to John’s for the pregame.”

“Wait-” you protested, “You didn’t tell me I was going to meet everyone.”

Freddie scoffed at you, “Of course you have to, you’re a regular Queen groupie now!”

You groaned as Freddie wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you through the apartment, “Why can’t I be a roadie? I can lift stuff.”

“Not dressed like this!” Fred countered, “Enough, come on now we have to get dinner. It’s the most important meal before we go out!”

You tugged the leather miniskirt Freddie had dressed you in down and frowned, reminding yourself that you were only doing this to get a break from your mundane routine.

[myinnerroomie]

              Today I want to write for pleasure instead of business. I want my mind to be productive, but I am sick of work.  I am sick of all the grad school papers and the stress of getting everything in on time, the stress of applying for this test, and studying for that test. The stress of pretending I care about the Air Force. And for what?  I feel as if I am not doing something to better myself, then I am failing.  In all aspects of life. And for what? What am I trying to accomplish?  What do I want out of life?  The answer is everything.  More than I’m getting.  So I fill the void with military and homework and physical activities.  All of which are healthy right?  What’s the problem?  I can do more.  I am so capable.  I see that. I know that I’m not meant for this.   However, I signed up for it, right?  I’ll finish what I signed up for and move on and appreciate what I learned.  In the meantime, I feel it necessary to point out that I may be jobless in 2 months, maybe not.  The stress of never knowing what is going to happen is real.  And I’m sick of it.  However, it pays the bills (quite nicely), I’m staying in a condo by the beach (where I’m sitting on the balcony typing), and it’s frankly beautiful weather and I’ll go for a run later. It’s really my fault that I haven’t found a job yet.  I should never have relied on reserve like this anyway.  I have no fear that I’ll figure something out when the time comes.  Actually, life is way better than it really has ever been.  

I’m so free (aside from the military which ironically is the thing that saved me). Oooh.  Let’s get into my early adulthood.  That should be fun.  So, embarrassingly enough, until this past year, I have always had a boyfriend.  We can get into my childhood later, but it probably stemmed from somewhere back then.  I have never thought much of myself.  Figured I’d go to community college like everybody else, then I went to a university like everybody else.  Majored in a stupid (fun) degree.  No real regrets about that though.  My self-worth was based on if people liked me, if I felt I looked good.  I do regret a lot of the actions of that sad, desperate girl.  Nobody understood, and I was good at faking it.  I did things that I have never admitted to anybody.  I literally could have been diagnosed with the same disorders as the other kids in the behavioral hospital where I worked.  Only mine weren’t for attention and I was deeply ashamed, so nobody knew.  I educated myself on the consequences of what would happen if I continued on that path, and slowly but surely, I got better.  And sadly, I can’t even celebrate that with anyone.  Shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness, pain – what I used to always feel.  Pride and confusion with all this freedom I have is what I feel now.

I used to think emotions were embarrassing.  I knew I hurt all the time, but I was never taught how to deal with it, so I would isolate myself and feel stupid.  Actually, that’s what I was taught.  Everybody has issues, and I’m not special. Get over it.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why can’t I get over it?  Why am I so miserable?  Why am I even alive?  Everybody dies anyway.  Oh, I know how I can deal with this: weed.  Ahh, there so much better.  Now all I’m thinking about is how I can’t remember what I’m thinking about. Yeah, I should probably go to class now.  Wonder if they’ll know I’m stoned. (turns out that they did).  But I was really enjoying class then. Very intrigued with Maslow’s hierarchy of need.  Hmm self-actualization.  Will I ever know my purpose and get to the point in life where I can fulfill that need??? Nah bro I’m starving…  You think everybody is staring at me eating these chips? -- Anyway, this is only the middle of the story.  I’m not even going to go back to my first boyfriend.  Let’s skip to the second one that cheated on me after 2 years.  Looking back now, he’s gross and bigoted. He was mean to me.  He lied to me.  He cheated.  Everything was an ordeal.  I just constantly lowered myself and made myself small for him.  He, of course, never reciprocated.  I wasn’t worth it.  Because I never showed any self-worth.  One good decision I made was to further my education and move to Hattiesburg for school which he actually made fun of me for doing. Anyway, I remember one time he had just come from the boat or whatever he was doing for work and invited his friend to our apartment.  I went to sit on his lap and he pushed me off and laughed.  I just went to my room and cried while he spent the night with his friend. That’s not me.  I hate I did that.  I hate that’s their memory of me.  Oh well.  I know they still talk shit about me back home.  That’s fine and that’s their problem.

Another reoccurring theme with boyfriends is my lack of any other friends and/or support. This takes me to my second boyfriend. I had been single for less than a year, and I met him.  It was so much nicer at first.  I felt like he cared about me.  He was so sweet.  Finally, everything was reciprocated to me, and I was happy.  I was happy to make him happy.  Again, with my screwed up priorities, man.  But I had grown up a little.  I just had this baseless fear that I would be alone forever.  But, I’m not necessarily the victim.  I did have this notion that I should be taken care of. I never expected to pay.  I expected some sort of money and to pay to go out and about.  That didn’t happen with this guy.  This honestly helped me become independent.  However, over time, he became more and more controlling. He threw me down and hit me in a NOLA hotel and the police were called.  He tore up my purse and a jacket. I remember feeling so much stress because he said he was going to leave me there, and I didn’t know how to get home.  Nor did I want to tell anybody why I was in that predicament anyway.  I thought it was all my fault and apologized and he stayed. How lucky am I? To stay with a guy that hits me and breaks my belongings (He also broke my tent.  If I ever went anywhere, he would be calling and obsessed. I couldn’t enjoy anything because I knew there would always be repercussions for having fun.   I literally broke out in hives at my friend’s house in Jackson one time because I told him no I wouldn’t come back to his place that night and it gave me so much grief.  He said he was going to break up with me if I did not drive back.  But I sure enough stayed my ass up there though. It was still embarrassing.  He threw a boot at me once because I was mad and didn’t want to sleep in the same room as him.  When I told him that hurt and showed him the bruise, he blamed me for acting that way. A few times, I tried to leave to go home, and he would grab me and not let me go.  I would be like if you don’t get your hands off me, I have every right to defend myself.  So I would straight up try to fist fight him to let go of me. He would laugh. Sounds healthy right?  Oh yeah, one time I did not do what he wanted and he threatened to get rid of my cat and locked all the doors to the house so I could not get to MY fucking cat.  So I waited until he got home and he just acted like he didn’t care at all about the strife he caused.  I think I may have even stayed that night at his house.  I hated him but I didn’t know what else to do.              

In the middle of all of this, I joined the military.  So yeah he came to visit me in Texas for graduation then said this was his vacation and that he was going to do what he wanted.  I’m like dude no.  I’ve been locked up for weeks.  It’s my vacation.  Another argument, more crying.  You’re a bitch if you stand up for yourself.  Okay months go on, we break up in tech school.  But I know he has my cat.  I also know he has a place to live.  Again, my fault.  I’m using him cause I don’t really know what else to do.  So I live at his house.  Then move to out of town.  He threatens to leave me again and tells me I’m shitty for moving away.  I move back to his place.  Back and forth, but he just stays and does whatever the fuck he wants with no consideration for me.  Eventually, I just started to dislike him.  I can take care of myself.  I got another place with a room mate.  His presence annoyed me.  I thought he was ugly.  I think that was mutual, and I was like dude:  Let’s end it. It’s miserable.  He agreed.  Easiest break-up ever.  Now did I do dumb things, and normal post-breakup things? Absolutely. Did I still text him a couple times afterwards? Yeahhh.  Also,  I made out with a 20 year old army kid at a bar. And I also slept with a married man.  That was a whole thing.  But most of last year, I have just grown.

I have nobody grabbing my arm now.  If I want to pack up and go hiking somewhere across the country, I’ll buy a plane ticket and go. If I want to hang out with friends, its fun again.  I do not rely on anybody for my self-worth.  2020 was extremely rough for me. I lost my house and all my belongings.  My car flooded in a hurricane (and of course I only had liability insurance).  It has all worked out anyway.  I didn’t even need any of that stuff.  Honestly, I never had the worst life.  That wasn’t the goal of this. You know, to complain.  It’s just that everything has gotten better. Losing everything helps put your life into perspective.  I’m so much more appreciative now.  I look at what I have accomplished and where I came from.  I used to think that everybody was more important than me, and that I needed them to like me and see me as worthy to be around.  Well, that has changed completely.  I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me.  That doesn’t make me less of a valuable person.  Everybody is not better than me and I have just as much a chance of being successful as everybody else.  I’m not a “bitch”.  Maybe some folks find me “annoying”, but you’re crazy if you think I will ever make myself small to fit inside anybody’s box that doesn’t like me.  I don’t “deserve it” to be living a miserable life. Life is hard.  Life is beautiful. It’s all about learning, and that’s what I have done. I win.  I’m free.  I can do anything.  While I do regret some of my past, all this has given me the drive to me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  Still gotta figure that one out.

[jaydaydemon]

University: A crash course in covid

Three weeks at university and I have already contracted the dreaded coronavirus, who could’ve seen that coming? Well, anyone really. You don’t need to be an expert or an oracle to foresee the poor outcome of sending a million students all over the country off to university in the midst of a pandemic. Jo Grady, a university union leader, made a plea not to do just that back in August which I saw and whole heartedly agreed with, she knew then as did many others without a doubt how much of a terrible idea it was, but no one heeded the warning. Would it not have been wiser to either do the entirety of the first semester online, keeping the students at home therefore minimising the spread of the virus? Or postpone the start of the academic year until after the Christmas holiday period? These are the kind of actions one might expect those in power, the leaders of this nation, to make, tough decisions that prioritise the safety of citizens in a time where taking well thought out precautions is the best approach to minimising the disruptive nature of a pandemic in a globalised world. But yet again this current situation we find ourselves in further demonstrates the inadequacies of those we rely on to make the big decisions, this global pandemic has highlighted many shortcomings and failures of leadership not just in the United Kingdom but all over the world.

I write to you from the perspective of a mature student, someone who did not come straight out of college at 18 and went on to university, but someone who did not finish college the first time around, worked in various jobs over the years getting a taste of what life as part of the workforce is like before fully realising my interests and career goals in life. I the decided to return to education and complete a college course for over 21s that got me into the university of my choice. That year at college was somewhat difficult as the outbreak cut the academic year short and saw myself and many other college students having to finish their courses from home and our teachers forced to adjust to educating us via a virtual environment. It wasn’t easy but we managed to pull through, and short of an idiotic fiasco that threw many young people’s futures into doubt when our sort sighted government thought it wise to dictate that responsibility to a computer algorithm, most of us managed to make it to the universities of our choice.

I made it to a university in Norwich, and although I had reservations about starting during these uncertain times I rolled the dice and went for it anyway, having figured I’d taken long enough in life to make it this far and I wasn’t going to wait any longer. I applied for student accommodation as I wanted to have the full experience and as far as I was aware, at least initially, most of my lessons were going to be taught in person. It did not take long after my arrival on campus to learn that none of my lessons would be in person, although long enough to miss the window in which I could renege on my accommodation without having to pay any fees. With no events going on very late, venues closing by ten thanks to government guidelines imposed at the time, not able to mingle with people at the bar, there was nothing but flat parties left for students to let loose in which were bacterial powder kegs. And at this point I began to wonder why I had come all this way during such times, why any of us had been offered this choice in the first place when I and everyone else could have done most of the academic studying from home. But of course it was obvious, plain and clear for all to see, the economy has taken a major hit from the pandemic and the universities weren’t getting help from the government so the students were now their primary cash cow, draining us for that money they so badly needed to keep them afloat, it was readily apparent for us to see and the whole thing has a disingenuous and sleazy feel about it.

And then I tested positive for coronavirus, followed shortly by a flatmate of mine, and then our flat went into quarantine. We were not the first in our building to do so, another flat near ours had already begun theirs a few days before, but in their case they were all asymptomatic. I and my flatmate however were not and had a rough week recovering as a result. I began to feel a little under the weather a few days before testing positive but none of my symptoms matched the core ones, not at first. We were contacted by people from the university at the beginning, me and the friend who tested positive, and were given some advice on where to get help with getting food and other resources. In my case these proved not to be especially useful and thankfully my parent was able to drop food off to me on two occasions during the isolation period. The situation frayed burgeoning friendships being formed among our flatmates a little, as accusations were thrown around which did not help matters, but on the whole relations did not sour too much. Only smokers could leave the flat to indulge in that nasty habit, masks were always to be worn when entering and leaving the building, a rule which most but not all students held themselves to. No security guards were posted on each flat like at certain universities which was nice, and honestly not necessary as the cases here are certainly higher than the university lets on but the number of cases aren’t too excessive and most students are being sensible. The cleaners have been in only once the entire isolation period, which is better than some universities, but they only cleaned a select few toilets belonging to a third of the flatmates. Although the litter started to pile up it wasn’t beyond control in our flat at least.

The symptoms of the coronavirus abated for myself and my friend after eight days or so, and no one else in the flat came down with it, all tests returning negative results, but since our self-isolation period began several more flats across various buildings have gone into quarantine as well.

The mood here I can describe as frustrated. There are over a thousand young people here, many of them freshers like myself looking to have a good time and live it up but there are few places to let loose and not enough going on to sate the appetites of party goers. Even during a pandemic it is near impossible to contain the energy of the youth, and those of you who are older and read this now need to consider if you would have had such restraint in your teens or early twenties, and if you’re being honest you know the answer is most certainly no. The downside of all this is that there’s a lot of young people with so much pent up energy and very few places or opportunities to expend it in a time like this, which is a bad mixture. And when a fifth of those students are stuck in self isolation, taunted by the sounds of those who escaped the virus partying away in the next flat across from you, it wears away on one’s nerves. But as could have been predicted, by the time our flat emerged from quarantine, most of those flats that were partying the whole time were starting their own self-isolation period.

Right now, no one is in a good situation. This pandemic has created a crisis in many areas of life, not just to students, but to many working people out there who are now jobless, many industries who are struggling to support themselves, and the incompetency of governance in many areas does little to help matters. Although the universities aren’t in a great position either, they have little moral high ground to stand on right now, they are complicit in this situation and regardless of their situation they should have made the tough choice and kept students away for the remainder of this year. At this point I think we can all agree on one thing; 2020 is a write off, it cannot be salvaged, it might have been to some degree if the right decisions had be made but, the rush to get everything going like normal once again in a time where normalcy has died and we all know it has only exacerbated the situation and there’s no way that this isn’t going to have a roll on effect into next year and beyond. This is something we are going to have to live with for a long while yet, and we must figure out better ways to endure it, but where do we look to find these solutions? I don’t know anymore, do you?

First drafted: October 2020. Published: November 15th 2020.

[ememchan8]

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. PLEASE… PLEASE DON’T READ THIS. THIS POST IS FULL OF NEGATIVITY,  BITTER AND PETTY RAMBLING… BUT I JUST BADLY NEEDED TO VENT....

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Me: *finished the work for the day* Me: *decides to take a day off the next day and plans to draw something I love and been wanting to draw for a long time.* Then life decides to fuck up with me: *My drawing tablet suddenly had issues, so I had to spend the money (that was just enough to get me by for a month and pay the bills) to get my tablet fixed or just need to buy a new one because I need it for work* 

*Drawing tablet gets fixed/I managed to buy a new one but I’m broke as f*ck and doesn’t know how I will I survive for a month or the months after.*

*My whole days off were spent in getting my drawing tablet fixed or had to spent them for a very exhausting commute to the big city to find and buy a new drawing tablet, instead of being able to have the time to draw what I want. Also I’m too exhausted, stressed and anxious from thinking I’m going to be broke as f*ck for the whole month and lost the will to draw the thing I want*

*Now that my drawing tablet is ready, life decides to f*ck with me again when the next day, the electricity in our house keeps flicking on and off by itself. It was only happening in our house. The electricity in the rest of our street is fine.

*Electric company had it checked and fixed, or so we thought. Several hours later, our whole house lost its electricity again for more than 12 hours. Then, we found an electrician. We had our power lines checked and the power is back again.

*Our electricity is back (not sure how long it will last), but then my phone decided to go kaput (don’t have the means to call the Electric company/technician anymore just in case our electricity go kaput again, too). Our electric stove also decided to go kaput and now I had to spend more money again to buy a new stove (not an electric stove this time, but something that is fueled by kerosene gas) because if I don’t, we won’t be able to eat. And apparently, I’m going to be broke again this month because of these. 

*Honestly, it’s probably just me. But I feel like my holiday is full of bad luck, that I’m starting to expect that the next thing would happen is that a plane would suddenly crash land on our house or the kerosene gas in our new stove would suddenly explode, or a burglar would suddenly break into our house, steal our valuables (though we barely have any) and murder us in our sleep. Or maybe, our house would suddenly burst into flames. Either I’ll die or I’ll end up sleeping in the street and starve there to death with excruciating burns. 

And then I remember how my life has been so f*cked up since I was a kid. I grew up in a poor family with a drunkard and jobless father (who used to go violent when drunk) and a mother whose religion had forced you to be converted in it through your relatives’ peer pressure and it f*cked up your childhood until you had grown into an adult and it was too late before you realized that you should have gotten out of it years earlier. But it’s too late. You have missed so much in your life because of it, and it f*cked you up so good, you had social anxiety and depression issues.

The religion who brainwashed you and for more than 20 years and made you live in fear of the world and of yourself for doing the little mistakes that you believe will get you punished by God for. The religion that made you believe that standing up for your self is wrong so you ended up constantly getting bullied in school for years because fighting back is wrong! And that everything will only be solved if you just pray. The religion that made you anxious and paranoid of drawing an art that they might interpret as something that symbolizes the devil’s work that might get you punish through burning in Armageddon. 

My childhood and teenage life was so miserable that I barely see any difference now.  In conclusion, I’m starting to think that my life isn’t getting any better. No matter how much I work hard for it in hopes of changing it. Man, I believe I’ve already tried my best so many times. I’ve been working so hard. But my body is starting to give in. It seems that even if I keep working hard, hoping that my life would get better, nothing is getting any better. Life won’t even let me have the time to draw the things I love anymore just for the tiny amount of happiness and brief solace because it keeps fucking my life over and over again that I’ll probably going to spend the rest of my life constantly fixing it! Even if I was able to draw several sketches, afterwards, suddenly, my life would be bombarded with bad luck as if it’s telling me to finally stop drawing! That I shouldn’t dare do something that I really want and makes me genuinely happy because I’m not allowed to, otherwise there will be consequences How dare I become happy, right!?

Nothing good is happening in my drawing career anymore either despite all my perseverance and hard work that I’m starting to think that maybe I should just change job and career and give up on my dreams.  I mean, I should have known from the beginning. I’m not one of those artists who were born privileged in a well-off and supportive families, who can afford to draw whatever the f*ck they want and are easily to achieve their dreams without worrying about life f*cking them up like how life f*cked up my life. 

I wish I could look for another job but then my body has become so fragile and weak recently, that I’ve been constantly having health issues that I couldn’t even travel in the next city without constantly getting dizzy and throwing up and always catching illness along the way. Heck! I can’t even afford a simple health check- up anymore because I have no time nor money for it.  I need to constantly work to earn back the money I spent for fixing these life’s f*ck ups instead.

Maybe I’m better off washing plates in a cafeteria or whatever and accept the fact that life wants me to be miserable for the rest of my life. I should know my place, right? That happy ending is NOT meant for me. I’m that miserable background character in a novel that readers don’t give a shit about because I’m not the hero/heroin who is meant to have a happy ending after their struggles. I’m just the mediocre character who is meant to be miserable all her life and soon will be forgotten. Heck, I haven’t even gotten a single nice dreams for a while now either. I can’t even afford to be happy even in sleep. I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately, too, anyway. 

If the rest of my life is meant to be like this, then I don’t want it anymore. LOL! I wish I could end it myself but I’m too much of a coward. But I’m sure life hates me enough not it’s not even going to let me die a painless death in my sleep. LOL! I mean, one time I tried to overdose myself with sleeping tablets years ago but I seemed to have just developed an immunity from it that I had insomnia instead or maybe those sleeping tablets were fake! I’m sure I won’t be able to acquire real sleeping pills anyway without the doctor’s prescription – Doctor that I can’t even afford anymore.

I’m also getting tired of constantly pretending to be optimistic and okay, because I don’t want my friends to worry. Negativity like this is so contagious that I don’t want to vent it directly at them; I don’t want them to catch it. They don’t deserve it. I want them to be happy. I don’t want them to be as miserable as me. But I’m just really getting tired of everything.

[miachanblog]

I’m not sure someone will read this and that’s fine, I just want to write it...

I’m so lost in my life, right now... I don’t know what I should do.

Going back to my childhood and teenage years, I grew up with really rigorous parents (mainly mother). I always were more into creative fields, but that’s not something that’s welcomed in my country. My mother was literally obsessed with my studies, and I had to study until 8/9PM everyday, cause she believed that was the only way I could get good results at school. My friends used to hang out without me. I was always stuck at home studying, to the point I had some strategies to pretend I was studying when in truth, I was reading books or playing games. My mother was so obsessive that she forbade me of buying books: so that I wouldn’t waste my time reading them. Only school books allowed. Have you known a mother who was unhappy that her children enjoyed reading? There you have it. Mine. My life was so controlled and so boring that at the weekends, I would wake up early and turn my TV with the volume really down, cause once my mother got up, my day was doomed. If she got up, I’d turn it offand stay in the bed while pretending to sleep, cause it was less boring than looking at a school book once again. This when I was younger. As I got older, I just pretended to sleep, no Tv on, nothing. I would even be wary of moving in my bd (as if asleep people don’t turn) afraid she’d think I was awaken. There was also a day when there was a teacher’s strike so my school closed down, and I was so sick of home and I knew that if I went home, it would just be one more day pretending to study, listening if any of my parents were walking around so that I had to hide my fiction book and go back to “study”, so I didn’t tell her the school had closed down. Instead, I went with some friends to a BIBLIO right next to the school to read the Witches comics that my mom didn’t allow me to buy. But she found about it from a neighbor and we had a really huge fight all the way home. Also, all my hobbies were individual sports (I hate sports), cause I had to stay slim, so no time for me to be creative. I was raised to be a genius in maths, science, law, medicine, something along that way, you see. But I NEVER wanted that. She was also obsessed with my weight and called me fat even when I was slim, so I also had pressure anytime I was eating or about too. So I grew up like that and suppressed my wishes since to every display of my actual dream, a very heated fight would start within my family. I though about getting a job to do as I wish, but she wouldn’t let me: My job was to study, and only study, or I would do bad at school. So I went to college without thinking much about it: everyone goes to college in my country, so they build you to believe you don’t have an option. They don’t ask if you want to go to college. The ask “what do you want to study in college?”... “When you go to college...”. These kind of words make you believe there is no choice. So I didn’t really know what I wanted because everyone shaped me into things I didn’t want to be. I chose Audiovisual and Multimedia cause it was a diverse course, and most subjects I didn’t even know what they were but sounded good to me... That’s how superficial the choice for my future was.

I finished college 4 years later, at 23 years old. I kinda enjoyed the course, so I stayed till the end, but then I realized I was really anxious to send a CV... In one year, I must have sent 5 CV’s, even if I opened the jobs’ offers pages quite often and scrolled all the way down... But I just couldn’t send them. I couldn’t see myself sitting on a desk 8 hours a day doing graphic design. I imagined myself unhappy, and also another problem was that I’m hypochondriac, so I’m really scared to go for jobs that make you sedentary...

I started doing digital illustration cause I realized it relieved my stress. I enjoyed developing a new skill too. I went through a surgery during that time, in which I couldn’t leave home afterwards, so I used all my time to draw and realized I haven’t been that happy in a really long time. It made me happy that I was improving in something, challenging myself, investing in me.

My real big passion always was to tell stories. Be it on series, songs, animation, movies, books, dance, even real people. Whatever it is: if it tells a story, I love it. And that’s what I realized... Is that my passion was telling stories and that I couldn’t handle to apply for jobs in graphic design cause you can’t tell a story in design, and since I’m very conformist, I knew that at the moment I entered a company, I would very much likely condemn to that life.

So I decided: I must invest on my dream. But I can’t just stay jobless. What can I do to support my dream? If I work all day looking at a computer screen, I don’t think I’ll have the energy to turn on my pc once again at home, cause my eyes will want to take a break, and remember that I fear being sedentary? Also, the company system kinda sucks your life in my country by working overtime (not paid, so yeah, that was a bad choice). I thought that I could get a dynamic part-time anywhere to gather some money and invest in illustration in my free-time. I did it. I work on McDonald’s right now and I actually don’t hate it. I gathered some money, and so I invested in something I really wanted to do as well, and my parents never let me: Singing lessons. I always wanted to learn how to sing but they never let me, so after having some money of mine I joined a music school, and I just had my 1st singing class and I loved it so much, I’m really looking forward to it.

But I couldn’t tell my parents that I basically committed career suicide. In their heads, I just couldn’t find a job about my course, so I desperately found a job in McDonald’s. I couldn’t tell them either that I signed up for singing lessons. They would tell me to stop playing round and become an adult, and they have a point on that, cause I should get a proper job, but how can I now? Seriously, all my life was a prison and I hadn’t realized it. Not only cause I was closed in my room all my childhood, scared that they would find me reading a book, but because I didn’t have experiences. And I couldn’t have them earlier, cause it was the time my mind needed to set free of their restrictions: that I could never be an artist, and anything related is a waste of time, and it’s ridiculous, and that my focus should be on reality. I finally put that aside by signing for singing lessons, like, I ALWAYS wanted to do that, and I finally did it, even if I’m too old. But my singing lessons are at 5:30PM, and any company job in Portugal is until 6PM. And you know what the worst is? Is that my father met a woman who works in a big company recruitment team, and he might have though that he would be saving me if he got me a job... Either that or he is ashamed that his daughter works at McDonald’s. Idk. But he got her contact, gave it to me, and demanded that I send her my CV. And you don’t imagine how anxious it makes me to go back to that file, to send it, to commit to a life that scares the hell out of me, that I never wished for, and that would stray me from following the path of my dreams that I just now started. It’s like, you just finally put down a brick wall that was blocking you and gives you a taste of freedom and then, it just builds again to stop you.

That woman is coming tomorrow to meet me, cause my father arranged it, and even if I couldn’t tell him I don’t want to, believe me, it was in my face. I’ve been crying everytime I think about this, and I’m scared I will cry tomorrow when she asks me what is my motivation and I get screwed cause I don’t have any. I’m scared to fail and bring shame to my father, and her, who actually went out of her way for me. I’m scared I get accepted and I have to give up my singing lessons after loving the first one. I’m scared cause I thought I was freed from their expectations. But I’m not.

[agritecture]

Karen Washington: It’s Not A Food Desert, It’s Food Apartheid

CONTENT SOURCED FROM GUERNICA

America’s sustainable food movement has been steadily growing, challenging consumers to truly consider where our food comes from, and inspiring people to farm, eat local, and rethink our approaches to food policy. But at the same time, the movement is predominantly white, and often neglects the needs and root problems of diverse communities.

Issues of economic inequality and systemic racism permeate our national food system. The movement’s primary focus has been on finding solutions to “food deserts”—defined as areas empty of good-quality, affordable fresh food—by working to ensure that affected neighborhoods have better access.

But some advocates, and studies, have argued that the proximity of a well-stocked grocery store is not enough of a solution given this country’s elaborate food problems. Farm subsidies in the United States go predominantly to white farmers, which has led a group of black farmers to sue the US government for discrimination. Food pantries, which distribute food directly to those in need, are stigmatized.

Our subsidized food system, as activist and community organizer Karen Washington points out in the interview that follows, “skews the cost and value of food.”

Washington has been battling for food justice for three decades. Before taking up the cause, she worked as a physical therapist, and saw many of her patients, predominantly people of color, suffering from diabetes, obesity, and hypertension. (More than one-third of American adults, and 48 percent of African American adults, are obese.)

Treatment always involved medication and surgery as opposed to prevention, and Washington knew there had to be a better way. She moved to the Bronx, in New York, in the mid-1980s and became a vocal community gardener.

Karen Washington delivers opening remarks at the 2016 Food Tank Summit, in Washington, D.C.

Since that time, Washington has won a James Beard Foundation Leadership Award, been invited to the Obama White House for her involvement with New York’s Botanical Garden, and been called “urban farming’s de facto godmother.”

She’s also worked to transform the Bronx’s empty lots into spaces where food can grow, helped launch a farmers’ market, and, in relentlessly engaging her community, has remained focused on the intersections of food and issues like poverty, racism, a lack of healthcare, and joblessness.

In other words, Washington has been around the block. What she found is that there weren’t very many people who looked like her with active roles in the food system. To bring additional voices to the table, she cofounded Black Urban Growers, an organization dedicated to supporting and advocating for black farmers and black leadership in the food movement, in 2009. And as she creates a more inclusive food community, she is working to redefine the challenges that the food system faces, too.

Washington is opposed to using the expression “food desert,” which she calls “an outsider term” that calls desolate places, rather than places with enormous potential, to mind. She prefers “food apartheid,” which “brings us to the more important question: What are some of the social inequalities that you see, and what are you doing to erase some of the injustices?”

I connected with Washington over a long phone call to ask her about these distinctions, among other things. Throughout our conversation, she pointed to the extent to which food is connected to most everything—health, education, class, the environment—and that, if we’re to be good advocates for a better food system, we need to take an intersectional approach.

“‘Food apartheid’ looks at the whole food system, along with race, geography, faith, and economics,” she says. “When we say ‘food apartheid,’ the real conversation can begin.”

—Anna Brones for Guernica

Guernica: When did you begin growing food?

Karen Washington: Well, it all started with a tomato. I never liked it. It wasn’t red, it was pale pink, it had no taste. Until I started growing it myself, I didn’t even know it grew on a vine, let alone that it was red and brown and juicy. When I finally bit into someone’s fresh, garden-grown tomato, it just changed my world. It really gave me the ambition to want to grow food myself. Then, in 1988, I looked out my kitchen window to the empty lot across the way and saw a man with a pick and a shovel. I went out and I asked him what he was doing, and he said, “I’m thinking about starting a community garden.” I asked if I could help. We’re about to celebrate our thirtieth year [of working together ].

Guernica: That’s amazing!

Karen Washington: It is amazing. My gardening got me into community organizing and activism. I noticed that when I went to visit friends who were white, their neighborhoods, their food system, their supermarkets were totally different compared to what I was seeing in my backyard. At my local supermarkets, things that should have been composted were wrapped up in cellophane and sold at a reduced price. We had a variety of food, but I wouldn’t call it fresh. It looked like it was secondhand, and people had no other options.

I eventually realized that I couldn’t concentrate on food alone because there were so many things that were intersecting. I saw that the people who were in [that first community ] garden were mostly low-income and had no health insurance. The garden wasn’t just being used for food, but also for wellbeing and medicine. The healthcare industry is part of this conversation. As a physical therapist, I used to see billions more spent on treatment than prevention. Look at the pharmaceutical companies. In my neighborhood, there is a fast-food restaurant on every block, from Wendy’s to Kentucky Fried Chicken to Popeye’s to Little Caesar’s Pizza. Now drugstores are popping up on every corner, too. So you have the fast-food restaurants that of course cause the diet-related diseases, and you have the pharmaceutical companies there to fix it. They go hand in hand. The fact is, if you do prevention, someone is going to lose money. If you give people access to really good food and a living-wage job, someone is going to lose money. As long as people are poor and as long as people are sick, there are jobs to be made. Follow the money.

I set out on this journey to explain the conditions of impoverishment. A lot of these communities need an influx of resources and monetary help, along with more local ownership of land and capital, in order to change things around. I go around the country to challenge people to see beyond the “raised beds” and to recognize that we live in one of the greatest nations and countries of all time and yet we still suffer from hunger and poverty. How have we allowed that to happen and what are we going to do to change that?

Guernica: We often use the expression “food desert” today. Does that term help us create infrastructure to ensure better access to food, or is it hindering our ability to do so?

Karen Washington: I was just in Pennsylvania and North Carolina talking about food deserts, and the topic of food justice and food sovereignty, and putting it out there that it means nothing to me. I asked people to define it, and, of course, they gave me their cookie-cutter definition: “Communities who have limited access to food.” That means nothing. Who in in my actual neighborhood has deemed that we live in a food desert? Number one, people will tell you that they do have food. Number two, people in the hood have never used that term. It’s an outsider term. “Desert” also makes us think of an empty, absolutely desolate place. But when we’re talking about these places, there is so much life and vibrancy and potential. Using that word runs the risk of preventing us from seeing all of those things.

What I would rather say instead of “food desert” is “food apartheid,” because “food apartheid” looks at the whole food system, along with race, geography, faith, and economics. You say “food apartheid” and you get to the root cause of some of the problems around the food system. It brings in hunger and poverty. It brings us to the more important question: What are some of the social inequalities that you see, and what are you doing to erase some of the injustices?

So, now, let’s go a little further; let’s talk about food sovereignty. Food sovereignty is being coopted in the same way that food justice is, because “food sovereignty” was a term that was really founded by indigenous people in Central and South America when they were fighting for governance. The organization Via Campesina coined the term “food sovereignty.” They were fighting for land ownership and they were fighting for resiliency, so we should make sure that we pay respect to those indigenous people who have been fighting for so long. “Food sovereignty” is now being interchanged with “food justice,” and although they are coexisting conditions, they are two terms with substantial differences. Even those terms have been watered down, but “food desert” sugarcoats what the problem is. If you bring a supermarket in, it’s not going to change the problem. When we say “food apartheid,” the real conversation can begin.

Guernica: You mentioned wanting to challenge people to look beyond their raised beds. What is the best way to ensure that people have access to food? Is it by focusing on food production or focusing on systemic racism and economics?

Karen Washington: All of the above. This idea that just because you give people the ability to grow their own food, and give up soda for water, that all of sudden it’s going to make these people’s conditions better? No. We have to talk about race, we have to talk about economics, because those are the things holding people back.

I wake up dreaming that my neighborhood has been given capital, has been given opportunity, has been given finance, that we can own our stores and businesses. Why is it that outsiders always have to come into our neighborhood to open a business? Why don’t people with capital come into my neighborhood and think about investing in the people who already live here? Give them the capital, give them the means of financial literacy, teach them how to invest, teach them how to own homes, teach them how to own businesses. Give them that chance, instead of coming in and changing the dynamics and the complexion of our neighborhood.

People often interview me and they ask me questions like: What’s it like to live in a neighborhood with limited access to food? After a while, I shut it down. I say, “Why don’t you turn it around?” Because I want to hear what people in affluent neighborhoods are doing. What is their take on people who live in food deserts? What is the conversation that rich, white, privileged people have about poverty and hunger and what are they doing to make a change? Sit down at the table with a family member, a father, a mother, who owns a business, and ask them what they’re doing to ensure that their businesses are employing people who need jobs, or [ask if] they’re getting out of their comfort zone, not just writing a check, because it’s easy to write a check, but what are they doing to invest in neighborhoods that are less fortunate?

Guernica: I’ve moved back to my hometown, a rural community where we have high poverty rates and many kids receive free school lunches. We do have a food bank and other programs that provide access to fresh food, and it’s easy for people to write a check to a food bank or buy a couple cans of food to donate, but it feels like a Band-Aid on a larger problem.

Karen Washington: It is a Band-Aid. I recently asked [the students in my gardening] classes, “What is the purpose of food pantries and food kitchens?” And of course they say, “To feed the poor,” and “to have access to food,” and so on. But the main function of these two approaches is [supposed to be] that they’re reserved for emergencies only. Instead, they’ve become a way of life.

How do we sit with the fact that 40 million people are in poverty? The system of giving out free food is not going to fix that. Even as a farmer, I have to deal with the fact that when I come down to the farmers’ market and sell my produce I have to educate people about the value and cost of food, because I am surrounded by a food system—a subsidized food system—that skews the cost and value of food. My carrots are two dollars. They are two dollars because I am a for-profit farmer, and unlike the carrot for 99 cents that’s sold in cellophane at the supermarket down the street or the bunch of carrots that you got for free from the food pantry, this two-dollar carrot is feeding me, my family, and it means something.

The conversation around actual food value is a conversation that we don’t have in low-income neighborhoods, regardless if they’re black or white, rural or urban. But things are changing. People are talking more than ever about food. It’s such a major shift, so you’re seeing major corporations offering different options, like fast-food chains offering salads. The consumer is starting to understand the relationship between food and health. It’s also happening in low-income communities. The rise in school gardens impacts children and they shift their parents’ perspectives. In my neighborhood, every year, we have a block party and they don’t serve soda anymore. The kids are asking for water! Education is working.

Guernica: Would it be more advantageous for us to restructure the charity system?

Karen Washington: Yes! First of all, let’s think in terms of labeling and messaging. Food pantries are stigmatized. When you say “food pantries,” you’re talking about people who are poor, standing in line, getting their food as a handout. The organization West Side Campaign Against Hunger has a pantry that they have started to rebrand. They set up their organization like a supermarket, so customers are coming and they’re shopping like they would at a regular store. It’s not a food pantry where you’re giving out free plastic bags of food. They also offer job training, and a chef who teaches the clients if they want to learn how to prepare food.

I tell them to ask people, “Why are you here? What is causing you to be on this food line? Is it the fact that you don’t have a job? Are you ill? Are you homeless?” By knowing those answers, they can help a person. For a problem like, “Well, I was homeless, so I am in a food pantry,” they talk about what we offer in terms of social work and helping people get apartments.  For, “Oh, I just got out of jail,” they talk about some of the entry programs out there that can help them. Or: “I lost a job… I’m looking for a job.” Let’s have job training on site for employment opportunities so people can seek jobs.

Guernica: You launched the Black Urban Growers organization because you had traveled around and hadn’t seen anyone else who looked like you in the food movement, which I can imagine felt like a desolate, lonely place.

Karen Washington: That’s accurate. I recently went to the Organic Grower’s Conference, which is in its twenty-fifth year, and someone told me that it was the second year that they had speakers of color. The second year! I don’t know how many attendees they had, but I can tell you offhand it was less than maybe seven people of color. And these are food conferences. I ask people about the work that they do, and a lot of them say, “Yeah, we work on a community farm,” “We work in a community garden,” “You know, it’s full of vegetables and flowers,” and I say, “You know what? Even within the work that you do with flowers and vegetables, you see diversity. But when it comes to the movement, it’s not diverse.” How can you see beauty and diversity in the food system, and yet these workshops and conferences are all homogenized? There is no diversity, there’s no inclusion.

That’s why we have the Black Urban Growers Conference. It’s because no one talks about our issues, and when they do talk about our issues it’s from a white voice. Why does the respected [one] always have to be a white voice?

People talk about food justice, but where are the farmers who look like me and who were brought here as slaves to do agriculture? When I asked that question, I was told, “Black people don’t want to farm, all they want to do is play basketball and play music.” When people tell me that, I know I am doing the right thing with this work.

For me and my friends, it has been inspirational. People come up to me at the end of the conference and say that they have never seen so many black farmers in a room. They have never had a conference that presented issues that pertained to the black experience.

Guernica: Why do you think food conferences don’t give people of color a platform?

Karen Washington: They’re not taking the time to go out of their comfort zones to reach people. That’s the bottom line. The reason I attend conferences is because people reach out and invite me. I’m going to write to Organic Growers and give them a list of people of color that they need to reach out to. Some of those people include: Leah Penniman, Malik Yakini, Lorrie Clevenger, Dr. Gale Myers, Kirtrina Baxter, Keisha Cameron, Kelly Carlisle, and Chris Newsome. I asked people in the African American community if they were going to that conference and they said they weren’t invited. That’s the problem. People live in their silos.

I also have a problem with organizations in urban areas and communities of color that are white-led. You started an organization and you have been there for ten or fifteen years and your mission statement says that one day the people within the community will have leadership. They should have your job right now; why are you still there? I talk about power, and how power is a drug and power over people is a drug and it’s hard to give up. But once you start taking a job in a community, and particularly a community of color, once you are there as the emergency department, you should be thinking about how you are going to transition out.

Guernica: In the sense that a desert is an “empty” place, do you feel that the food movement has become a “desert”?

Karen Washington: At the conference, it’s also powerful to hear young people talk about reparations and going back to the land. The younger black farming community is growing. Leah Penniman of Soul Fire Farm is doing excellent work. Young people are understanding the power that they have and they are not waiting for us to fix it. Look at Black Lives Matter; they are very outspoken. They are unapologetic. They know what’s right. They know the oppression and segregation and the racism that have happened and continue to happen. They’re not drinking the Kool-Aid.

Even still, the average age of a farmer is fifty-nine. The movement is going to be a desert if we don’t get more youth involved. Who is out there? How are we going to get the next wave of farmers? The price of land for new farmers is crazy. So how do we entice a new generation to become farmers if they don’t have access to land? They have credit-card and student-loan debt, and there’s no diversity to encourage the young blood of new farmers with different faces to come into the food system.

Guernica: The food movement has essentially become a monocrop.

Karen Washington: Exactly. As we know, you lose diversity and it will truly end up a desert because you’ve never taken the time to nourish that seed, diversify that seed, and you kept doing the same thing over and over again. And you know what happens when you continue to grow in the same soil? It gets depleted of nutrients and becomes barren. That’s what’s going to happen to the food movement if we don’t think about planting seeds of diversity, of new young blood, into the food system.

[grayspace-x]

now i'm here. with one of the green bins next to me, the one that my roommate ordered just a tad too many to aid us with our move. i'm here typing what may be my last post in my first apartment post-grad, and i just want to dedicate some time to reflect on my time here.

i don't remember when the initial conversations came up. i was probably here in seattle sometime in august, doing my usual monthly visits where i heard my non-roommate at the time, mention that his sister is moving out and he's unsure what to do with an extra room. i didn't think too much of it in the moment, but on a summer night back home, i thought hey... what if i moved in?

something you should know about me is that my moon is in pisces. meaning that i am very imaginative, live in my own world, and overall just... soft ? is the best way i can put it. i thrive off ideas and possibilities. creating perfect scenarios in my head and thinking ahh, one day. but until then.

until then came. i texted him and threw the idea out there. "hey... did you consider renting out your room to someone... someone like me maybe?" i added a silly face emoji in case i would get a flat-out rejection.

he favored my idea, and we discussed some of the logistics. i would move in at end of september, a few weeks after his sister moved out. i would be paying part of the rent (he gave me an insane deal). the lease ends in january. at the time, i nervously sat down with my parents after i discussed the terms with him. i told my parents i had an opportunity to move to seattle for an insane deal. but as a jobless post-grad, i didn't have enough funds to support myself. part of my argument was that 1. i go to seattle often anyway (reduce risk of driving because i am not the best driver), 2. i needed some sort of motivation in my life, something to pick me back up again 3. it was close enough to home and 4. i'd be happier. my parents at first didn't see eye to eye (not sure if they still do to this day) but they finally agreed.

"okay, you can move to seattle. if you don't find a job by the time your lease ends, you have to move back home"

i smiled, it was a done deal. i reassured them that i will be safe, the building has 24/7 security as well as a concierge team.

and so, on the first day of fall, i packed my up rav4 with my ikea desk, gifted chair, and excitement and drove up to move to one of my favorite cities in the world.

"you're getting the deal of your life" my now roommate says as he's helping me unload my belongings. we had a team, my roommate and three friends, and it felt like such a warm welcome already. my roommate showed me my room (he graciously gave me the master room because he didn't think it made sense for his desk to be outside of my room) and i gawked at the view.

here i am, 23, living in one of seattle's nicest high rises, on a floor that overlooks lake union. where, if the fog was heavy enough, i would be surrounded by clouds. something my 22 yr old self would have never imagined.

ofc, a part of this is because of my parent's money. so there was a moment where i felt like a fraud. like this lifestyle, this dream, wasn't something that i built for myself. but i really wanted it. and i was living it.

instead of feeling too bad, i took that energy and continued to apply for roles, spent time with friends, and overall created a better community and environment for myself to thrive in. just shortly after moving in, i received my first job offer and i couldn't believe how everything fell into place. a part of me felt like it was too good to be true.

i've been living in seattle for almost five months now. i've made countless memories here so far and i am so excited to make more. unfortunately, we aren't getting a final hurrah on the beautiful rooftop bc 1. we didn't plan it and 2. i have covid (also bc of covid). on the day of our new lease signing, i debated whether i wanted to just go home and save money. maybe if i thought about it a bit more before // a bit earlier, i would've decided to stay at home for the rest of the year and save on rent. but ofc, i signed the lease. i think a small part of me knows i want to be here, but the more rational part of me thought, maybe not. something i started to realize is that my friends from home will eventually go their own ways and we might not all be home together like this for a while and i should cherish it. i think i tend to rush into things too soon because of how i picture it in my head, how much happier or greater things would be. and it's partially true. i don't think i would've traded my experiences so far with anything else. but at the same time, how much happier am i here? living at home in 2020 and part of 2021, i felt like i was always chasing or waiting for something to happen. felt like life was going by slow? plan a trip. felt like you couldn't connect with friends? talk to them more. i think i look forward to the moments that i plan, and now i am learning to just enjoy the moments everyday.

i am here in this city that i love, with people who i love. i am navigating my mid-twenties the best way that i can, and i'm enjoying it. i told myself if anything, let me have this. let me have this spring, this summer. to be with the people who are still here now, who might not be in a year or so. let me make the best of this and thrive. let's make memories.

i'm moving into a townhouse with my current roomie and another friend. i'm staying in the smallest room with a building view (so no natural light whatsoever) and i'm not sure how everything is going to pan out. i will just say, i am going to miss this apartment a lot. the space, the views, the rooftop sunsets. but at least i'll be closer to friends and some experiences.

whatever's next, i hope it'll be good.

[coldheartedmmi]

Oct 2, 2021

I can't believe my life has turned into this i cry every fucken day there is never a day im not upset with myself like what is it with me i can never do something right like i know where not perfect human begins but some have it better then me, i know everyone is at different level in life everyone hides their emotions someone out there can be dealing with your same mindset on the view on the world. We all grow up different and for some we all grow up the same or are thinking and feeling the same as we do know. Writing is the only thing that help me feel free from my overthinking and anxiety it crazy how one little change in your life can either make or fuck up your life, i live day to day thinking to myself im a disappointment i havent done anything to make my parents proud as months pass i start to forget things which them to get mad at me and since im jobless right now im even more a disappointment im the oldest and cant keep a fucked job all becuse my dumb ass has anxiety and is sacred to try no things, and when you dont have the support you expect from the people you love it causes you to lose it cause you cant do anything without people approval and its stupid cause its your life no one others you should be able to do what you want and make yourself happy by you grow up asking for other people opinions and it has caused you to the bitch you are today your afraid of feed back your afraid youll get hurt and being judged but that shouldnt stop you from being you and doing what you love but when you grow up being told to do this dress like this so people could like or so you can fit in it kills you mentally fucked up cause you always want do your best so people around you like you in this world its hard to be liked so i limit my self. I hope all you guys have and amazing life of head of you guys fall your dreams dont let no one i mean nobody break you or your dreams dont let anything affect you just keep on going find something you love get the support you need from your family your main support the people you love that you call family, i wish i could take this advance to the heart and follow it but to fucken hurt to follow what i want i love there nothing i love i lost my excitement for everything video editing, graphic design, photograph, real estate, and there more to come watch because i can't make up my mind the first three things is what i was enjoying to do and make but my family saw it as there no income coming in for those working work in some thing that actually pays good and well the rest is for them so they can be happy of my achievements well i just seat in silence faking a smile wishing i was happy as much as them, all i want is to be happy explore the world make money from anywhere and well it may sound easy but its hard not everyone gets the opportunity to do so. The only achievement i can say that made them proud was graduating from high school with a 4.0 gpa and thats its i never thought i was smart enough to apply to a 4 year college i wasn't even smart enough to go to high school and somehow graduated with that 4.0 gpa i always struggled doing work never would ask for help but because i had that extra help class for students who had a hard time learning teacher would just feel bad and give passing grades. PLZ REMEMBER NO MATTER YOUR ABILITY TO DO THINGS YOU ARE LOVED AND CARED FOR AND EVERYONE ONE IS DIFFERENT WE ALL COME WITH FLAWS PLEASE LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF AND WHO YOU ARE. As I wrote that above I realized I forgot who I was. I'm different from many people. I'm 19 years old and I have a hard time doing simple things. I struggle to read and write and do simple math calculations and I can't count or count money. It's hard for me to remember things. Remember you are loved and cared for believe in yourself and in the people you trust, cause trust is major key and in many cases the people you love and trust the most can be the same people to fuck it all up and lose your trust and if many people do it all at once it fucks with you cuase you learen not to trust anyone

anymore its crazy to hear but in my life right now i really dont trust anyone like i use to i use to tell everyone everything about mylife but as time pass i learned to keep my life secret cause people spread shit and mikx up your words and cuase friends and families to end or lost trust, remember to stay true to yourself dont change for other dont let no best friends or family change you in anyway inorder to be accepted and liked do you, get those tattoos you want, those piercing your family doesnt want to see you in, dress like you want to dress dont let anyone dress you its your body not theres, smoke that weed that people say fuck you up but dont understand that its your safe place where you feel nothing but love and being at home with your peace of mind and most importanly happy with life even its temporary you love the feeling. Good night. I'm not going to bed anytime soon. It's 3am and well I'm just done writing for today.

[caitie-lou98]

Wedding Planning - I don't know what week this is!

Tuesday, 12th June, 18 days till ‘I Do’

WOW... as if it is less than a month until the big day, this has gone by so fast I am almost in shock! When people say that wedding planning is the time of your life and to enjoy every minute of it because it will be here before you know it; they really are not kidding. The last time I updated this. blog it was over 100 days to go and it felt like an eternity... how wrong could I have been?! 

I wanted to take the time today to write about what people don’t tell you about wedding planning. Everyone says how lovely it is and how you should take the time to enjoy it and be as in love as you possibly can. They don't mention the levels of stress you reach over the pettiest of things, and how stressed you feel about things you never thought you'd care about (mine was the colour of logs!!).  I said to myself when we started planning this whole wedding that I wouldn't be that Bride that was stressed and crying about silly things that no-one will ever even notice if they were there or not... hah, spent many an evening crying over the fact my table centres may not all have the exact same logs or the fact we have reduced budgets etc to be able to do other things (even though the other things are also for the wedding and will look amazing!). No-one prepared me for how bothered I would be about the little things, and how difficult it would be to pretend that I was interested in anything else - lets be real when you are planning a wedding, changing jobs and moving out all in the space of a week or two; the concentration on the day to day living goes out the window! 

In some ways though this can be exhausting, I know people are just trying to be interested and nice about it but it can be so tiresome having to answer questions about weddings, new jobs and moving house... especially when if you're like us it has only all fallen into place at the last minute. So when I last wrote anything on this blog, we didn't have anywhere to live and I was nowhere near close to having a job. However this last weekend we signed for rental agreement and I had two job interviews, both of which I have had fantastic feedback for and have been asked to meet the managers again for second interviews. I think a lot of the time we get so caught up in the romance and the fantasy that is wedding planning, we forget that real life and responsibilities are demanding and stressful. I was so worried about not finding somewhere to live, or having a job to be able to support our life after marriage. 

The relief of having somewhere to call our own and knowing we will be coming back from honeymoon to our own space is so calming and takes away a lot of the anxieties I have been experiencing, same goes for the job ... I've never felt such a sense of uncertainty in myself and my abilities as a worker.. many of you who know me know I am a confident person, but one bad interview seriously knocked it out of me and got me to a point of feeling completely like I would never have a job and within a month of being married we would be jobless and homeless - an overreaction I know, but thats what stress can do to you! 

So with all the doom and gloom over about how stressful I have been finding things and how overwhelmed I have felt (hopefully this explains the lack of blogs - because with stress and anxieties came the serious demotivation for anything) I think its about time I update you all on where we are at with the wedding! I can confidently say that we are actually pretty much ready, apart from a few last minute bits and bobs (surprises mostly!)... I went and had a final meeting with the florist today to confirm all the details and how I want the bouquets to look etc, then we have a meeting with the DJ on Friday to discuss the final details pre wedding. It is all coming together very nicely indeed.

Think the most fun we’ve had has been doing the boxes for our bridal party and some DIY decorations for the reception, I must say we are Pinterest MASTERS... I’d show you,  but the bridezilla in me wants it all to be under lock and key. 

We also met with our photographer a few weeks back for a pre wedding shoot, this was for us to get to know her and her us, and to see how we are around a camera... if you follow me on any form of social media you will have seen me plastering the photos everywhere, but just incase you didn't; some of my favourites include:

We can’t thank Lottie enough for these, she is so talented and we are in love with the photos. Can’t wait to see what she does with our wedding day.

I was reading over the last blog I posted and I was saying that we had just put all our bottom drawer stuff up into the loft, but its literally time to bring it down again this weekend, as the weekend after (which is the weekend pre wedding) we move into our home! With that being said we have an extreme lack of furniture, so if anyone knows of anything going relatively cheap - help a gal out and let me know! 

The last two months have flown by, and I imagine the next three weeks will go even faster... so apologies to everyone who has to deal with me, I imagine my bridezilla tendencies will come out to play and I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with that. We went to a wedding on Sunday for one of Kurtis’ family, and it was a real kick into reality, that in three weeks that will be us and we will be the centres of attention. It was lovely but also really quite surreal. 

As if I managed to forget that since my last blog post I have had not one, not two but THREE hen dos! Who’d have thought that anyone needed three hen dos?! I had such lovely evenings each time, one was with my Brummie family and some lovely sisters from what will be my congregation when I move up there. Coley and Jayne very kindly organised for us to go into the city for the afternoon, had our makeup done professionally and just spent the afternoon wandering around the shops whilst the boys went suit shopping. Then went out to a local curry house for food, then ended the night with cocktails in the local Wetherspoons... what more could a girl want?! 

Then for my second hen do, I chose to organise it for myself (it proved easier than trying to pass on numbers of sisters to my bridesmaids who don't really know anyone). I organised a meal in recently refurbished pub, The Pennyfarthing in Old Llantrisant. I must say the girls there were so helpful and really made the evening run so smoothly, which with 35 of us there for a sit down meal is a mighty difficult job. I would highly recommend the place if you're looking for somewhere for a nice evening out which isn't too far, they have live music on a Saturday night, serve a wide variety of cocktails and the best part? Good home cooked pub grub, not too posh but nice enough that you feel like it was worth spending the money out. I had such a wonderful evening with family and friends, and I really couldn't have asked for more. 

Last but certainly not least was actually my surprise and most recent hen do! So my maid of honour (Georgia for those of you who don't know) couldn't make the first two hen dos, and so organised with Kurtis for me and a couple of my closest friends from school to go out for the evening in Cardiff - drinking cocktails and playing hen do games we found online. It was such a good laugh and so nice to be surprised like that. I couldn’t possibly ask for a better best friend than I've got... not quite sure how I am going to manage when I live in Birmingham and she lives in Swansea!?! 

Anyway... I think that is about enough from me, I feel like I have been writing this for hours?! I recently have felt really not in the mood to write these blogs, but these past few days I have had so many ideas of things I could be writing about on here; and writing this tonight has just reminded me of why I started this in the first place. I love thinking back over all we have done and writing down how I feel whilst reminiscing, which I know when writing weekly doesn't seem like it would be fun - but it was. My love for writing appears to have returned - so all I am saying is watch this space! 

If you have made it this far, then wow you truly are dedicated to the blog... that or you are incredibly nosey; I won't judge either way. 

Thanks for reading, I promise the next one won't be as long and will be sooner than two months after this post! 

All my love, the almost Mrs Bryan 

xox 

[kelandry5]

Sort of just a rant… and me trying to idk.. talk and not bottle and idk… just.. me trying I guess….I don’t really know

I have come to the conclusion, controlling my anxiety without a bunch of medication is not fucking possible. It’s been a little over a month now since I completely stopped taking it and I’m fucking dying. I mean, I was sort of off and on since the beginning of August and sort of scraping by that way, but then I ran out at the end of October and since then has just been an unbearable hell. I’m physically ill nearly all the time from the anxiety, my insomnia is even worse than before because I have panic attacks trying to fall asleep or don’t even bother trying because I know I can’t calm down enough to fall asleep even if I’m literally about to fall over from exhaustion. I can’t even make it 24 hours without at least a mild anxiety attack and the level of anxiety is making me sick. I have some days where it’s basically a constant anxiety attack for hours and hours on end and nothing fully makes it go away. It gets to the point I’m ready to off myself just to make it stop and I get so tired but sleep won’t come. 

I thought maybe it was getting better finally. Like, this past week, I actually had times where I made it more than 24 hours without an attack and I actually did get some decent sleep and was able to actually eat food. And it was weird because family shit has been exploding all week and I’ve been stressed and kind of down and irritable from that, but the anxiety wasn’t all that bad. (Could have gotten more sleep if shit didn’t keep happening but that’s besides the point). Like, it was just weird. Even with stuff going on and my mood not being the best, I managed to get a few days free of anxiety. But I think it was just my hormones being screwy and shit and now it’s back to normal cuz things haven’t been as good today. 

I mean.. even if I did get a few more days of calm, I’ve already realized I can’t do this. Saving money and all the other reasons I had for trying are not worth it. It’s not worth the relapses or the physical illness or losing my fucking mind day after day and barely being able to do anything at all because everything sets it off. Like, it’s just not possible. 

But now the problem is two of the meds have to be done by mail order and I ordered them and they were supposed to be here this week but now it’s saying they won’t be here till next week and even once I get them, it’s going to take a week or two of taking them before things are back to normal and that’s just… that’s a long fucking time and with the holidays… that’s a LONG FUCKING TIME. The one I can fill at the pharmacy well… it’s for anxiety but it’s not like an every day one to take and it will make me really drowsy so even once I do fill it, it will only be useful for when I get to the point I can’t handle anything at all anymore and being drowsy won’t be a problem. And first I have to stop putting it off, but like I said, things have been a bit of mess….and a bit is probably an understatement. 

And it’s not like I can even talk about most of it because doing so just sets me off but just a lot of shit going down with family and I’m still jobless (not that I could actually survive a job interview or job in this condition anyway) and everything is just one giant mess and the fact that it’s December and shit hasn’t improved and I’m pretty much out of time isn’t really helping matters but at the same time, matters aren’t helping anything change either and it’s a viscous circle and as much as I know I climbed out of hell once, I’m fucking scared. I’m scared I can’t do it again. Things are a lot different this time around, and maybe some of it’s for the better, but a lot isn’t and that has me terrified. 

Like, I know this shit isn’t linear and I know I made it out once, I should be able to do it again, and I know…. I know all that stuff. I know it. I know a lot of it because this hole is familiar. I’ve been here before and I found a way out and I survived and things changed and got better. I know I need to believe that can happen again… but things aren’t the same as they were the first time around. I can’t do it the way I did before. I can’t use the same tools or strategies this time… and I don’t know if I can find different ones. Maybe the first time was a fluke. I don’t know. Maybe things will look up once I’m back on meds again but maybe they won’t. It’s not like that alone will get me out of this hell hole. And it’s not like I wasn’t here long before I tried going off them. I mean some things are def worse now, but….

I want to think I’ll look back on this one day and, like so many other things, I’ll decide it was okay because it led me somewhere good. But I know that might not happen. Or rather, I’m confused. I am afraid and I’m confused. I don’t know if I can make it out. I don’t know if this will be okay one day. I don’t know if I can stop myself from drowning and I don’t know if I can let anyone in enough to lend me a hand or if they even will or can. I feel like everything before was so different and this… this isn’t going to work the same.. and maybe there really is no way out. And maybe fighting to get out is pointless. I mean… I got out once and fell back in.. and I know this isn’t a linear process… but I didn’t expect to fall so hard again and become so stuck. I didn’t expect this…and damn am I afraid. I hate to admit it… but I’m weak and I’m afraid and I’m confused and I still have so much to learn but there is so much doubt and so many demons.

I don’t even know if it’s worth it, to pick myself up again, assuming I can. And some days or some moments, I find myself able to be positive and hopeful but then others… I just can’t be any of that… even when I know I need to be. And this mask I’ve worked so hard on and worn for so long… it’s starting to crumble just like the rest of me.. It’s crumbling and if it vanishes.. I can’t even think of that…I don’t know..

This started out a rant about one thing and now it’s on to everything except mostly just metaphors and analogy’s that probably don’t make sense to anyone because my head is such a fucking mess and I can’t flat out say what’s going on right now and honestly, I wouldn’t want to worry anyone anyways. And even if that wasn’t a problem… metaphors and analogy’s that suck are about the only way I can talk about any of it without freaking out and that’s just all I’ve got. idk… I’m just going to shut up now because this is just.. idk. I really don’t know. I just wanted to try to get some things out I guess.. idk

To be honest… I’ve been trying to hide the anxiety and not bother anyone about it all this time and not let people know when I was down or well ……things and just trying to keep my mask on as much as possible in front of everyone and deal with everything myself but lately… the last few times I actually just stopped trying to handle everything myself and said something on here (and not just reblog and post pics and quotes and poems and shit to vent but actually let shit off my chest in my own words without a rhyme) and the one or two times I actually just said hey I’m not okay to someone..and just didnt hide shit as much. idk… it actually seemed to help. idk. I hate doing it. I hate saying anything…and I don’t really know what to do when people are actually nice to me about it or try to support me when I actually say anything but… the few times I have said something lately….. it did…. it did actually help. I guess…. bottling it up inside or trying to hide it from people isn’t really the best method and idk… I just sort of thought…. I guess I just wanted to try to calm down by trying to speak this time instead of just posting vague shit or idk… I don’t really know… 

I just know actually saying shit… the few times I managed in the last couple of weeks… those times worked a lot better than any other methods I’ve tried… and maybe it won’t always work and maybe its bothersome or I suck at it but… I don’t know… I want to try… so this is me trying I guess. This is me trying to be open and to talk and to just…yeah…. and this is really terrible. 

[trevorrain]

It’s been a few months...

Hello to those of you who are still sticking around and may have been wondering how I’ve been and where I’m going (though I would like if you would shoot me an ask if you were wondering this!). Well, the one thing I can tell you is that I’m still alive! This is me giving a bit of an update for the interested parties.

I’m living on my own now. Before last year I had spent my entire life living with my parents. Though I have never felt ‘coddled’ or dependent... That’s just the way it ended up happening. Those of you who have followed me for the last few months likely saw the postings between me and Dilarus explaining what happened last year, and how I needed to make a change. 

I’m not as extroverted as I likely should be when it comes to being known around Tumblr, so such a thing wasn’t shared much, but plenty of people saw and among that plenty were some who responded. And to those people I do appreciate your words, I still do. I may not have replied to all of you, and I’m sorry if that’s the case, but know you’re appreciated.

When my parents passed, I was left with an empty house that still needed payments. More than I could afford. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was making basically nothing at the time. Working in the food service, some paychecks would barley break above the $300 mark. So I had very little to keep myself afloat, so I did what I could to make do. I needed to leave, but I needed money to do that. 

So I continued to live inside that empty house for a few months more. With the ghosts of those who raised me. I wanted to give my boss more time to find a replacement. I wanted to gather a lifetime’s worth of materials and somehow put them together in but a few boxes. I had a few abusive family members who made things a little harder...

One even managed to shut the water off on me while I was living in the house still at the end of November. I was living without warm water before that from a busted water heater as well. But there was two saving graces that came by. One was an insurance policy that my father left in my name. Another was a very generous friend who sent me $500 and refused the idea of me paying him back. 

With that, I took what valuables I could, the few things the family might want to keep, and left. Left the house to someone else who wanted that responsibility, and traveled to reside with my sister-in-law and brother for a time. I had made arrangements with a friend to be a roommate when another eventually moved out. I had to wait till then. So I did. Then I left. Using the money from the insurance and my friend, I had also paid off the last of the funeral costs for my father and the little left with mother. They were so good to us, so accommodating, I could not leave that unpaid.

I spent a few days in recuperation. Though I held onto stoicism as much as I could, such events were very draining. Still are in too many ways as well. But part of the demands of my stay was I would apply for a job not long after the move. Knowing I would live around Salt Lake City eventually, I searched for jobs in that area despite living in Ogden at the time. More than 40 miles away from each other. Sometimes finding copy centers to print of the resumes I would hand out. Still stopped to appreciate the scenery as I went. Just like the country, except for the billboards. 

This was made possible by the Front Runner train rail that spans a great deal of northern Utah. So much of my time was spent at train stations, learning bus routs, and finding more economical ways to get around. My only mode of transportation is still a motorcycle, and the cold weather that Utah encounters in the winter is inhospitable to cyclists.

I made a mistake with a sales job. Took too much time, energy, and money to get there on a daily basis. By train, then bus, and being there early. Least it was a learning experience. I may be good with people, but that doesn’t mean I’m good at selling people cable. That job fell through when my boss straight up asked me how I was feeling, as he could see the anxiety and probably hear the sound of grinding teeth from me just being there. I told him the truth.

He said he understood. Said he had my back and not to worry. In a show of support that was rare for me at the time, he even dropped everything in order to take me to the nearest train station so that I could go home. We left after a handshake and kind words. I kept things together for the time when I was jobless again. I was eventually picked up by a temp agency and now have a full time position making more money than I have in my life. I’m not rich, but I’m better than I was. I’ll continue to try and do better. Rich isn’t a bad goal. I can’t imagine taking calls all day five days a week to be something I’ll be satisfied with for long. Holding this job for a few months, it’s already starting to wear thin.

I’ve been trying to adjust to city life. Trying not to stay inside all day. Trying to learn and not muck up the few relationships i have. Trying to recover. In digging up some of these pictures, I came across some that had me tearing up. It’s going to hurt for a good long while. But I would be doing my family, doing myself a disservice if I let the pain bury me. Instead, it will carry me.

There’s so much more I can say. So much I will say. But I better leave it here. This is getting long. Please let me know if you’ve read this, if you have questions. Let me know who you are. I’ll put up more when I can. Just know,

I’m alive.

[nefzgeradventure]

Life Sucks

I’m so frustrated with everything that I can’t even clean without wanting to break down or go into a fit of rage. I’ve been dealing with gonorrhea for a few weeks, easily curable but I guess masturbating fucked up my recovery because it’s five days after being treated and my dick is still having issues, like urethra pain. I live with a relative because I’m a broke little bitch. My relative is moving an hour and a half away so now I need to find my own place. I’m jobless because I quit my job back in February because my aunt was suicidal then and I thought it would be better to be home to support her than come home to a corpse one day. So anyway, been looking for a job but I’ve been lazy about it and feel guilty for being a lazy fuck and I’m running out of time to find a job and a place to live. If I can’t do both those things before she sells the house and moves, then I guess I have to put my things in storage in live in my car for a while. I want to stay in state, Missouri, because I want to finish school, however they have suspended my financial aid because I did not maintain a 66% class rate, so I should have just dropped on class instead of two. Now I have to appeal and school has pretty much been my life for the past four years and it’s fucking stupid that it’s come to this. My grandmother died of an illness back in September and a friend of mine committed suicide around March. I’m so angry with life. I’m not suicidal myself, as I’ve been down that road before and have overcome it. I remind myself of all the things I am grateful for. I miss my grandma so much. She was a great woman that cared so much for others and was so selfless. My friend wanted to date me but I wanted to remain just friends so I feel so sad and guilty that I did not do more to help him. I knew he was severely depressed but I wasn’t sure what else to do besides staying positive and hanging out with him every couple months. I was broke last summer so I didn’t see him then because I felt like a loser for having no money. Then my gma passed and I was grieving. I was an asshole and didn’t even reply to his text wishing me Merry Christmas. I feel like such a scumbag for not having at least replied. Then another friend told me he was sorry to hear about my friend, and that he had killed himself. Had I reached out to him even after a month after Christmas maybe I could have changed his mind about suicide. He had never talked about suicide with me so it was a surprise, yet since he was so depressed it really wasn’t. I should have done something, said something to remind him why life is important. Life can suck, but life sucking is just temporary; death is final. So yes, I realize that all this terrible shit in my life will eventually get better. I’m almost 30 and have never been in a relationship. My longest relationship was two dates. I didn’t start having sex until I was 26. In the past year, I think I’ve met with 60 different guys for sex. I really want a relationship and I understand that social apps like Grindr and Scruff are primarily hook up apps so finding a guy to date that way is unlikely. Some days I feel lonely, but most days I don’t. I want to be happy because happiness is a choice so I’m choosing to pursue positive thoughts rather than dwell on what sucks. This post really should be titled “Life is Frustrating” because that’s what I really feel right now. I’m ready to move on to better things and push past this shitty time in life. I’m ready to go beyond these feelings of doubt, powerlessness, and lethargy and to feel content, in control, and energized. All these bad feelings are just weighing me down and I feel like I’ve had enough. The negative feelings are so taxing, it makes me so irritable and I don’t like being cranky all the time. I dislike feigning patience and kindness when I’m actually impatient and bitter; I want to genuinely feel the first and not have to pretend. I want to be loved. I think I’ve gotten it all off my chest and feeling much less sour and anxious. I hope anyone else out there that feels burdened with all the negative, toxic emotions can find their outlet to temporarily relieve themselves of it so they can feel happy, if for only a few hours, but perhaps a whole day. A positive note, I ordered a 3 inch memory foam topper for my bed and I can’t wait to sleep on it tonight. The mattress is hard af so my sleep has been miserable for several years now. TL;DR I was crabby but I wrote about it here and I’m feeling much better and I can’t wait to get some decent sleep tonight.

[ifnotlovethenwhatff-blog]

Chapter 16

ARIELLE

“Dodgers.”

My head shot up at the sound of my name being called ending my five minute spew of doodles. Mr. Zawada spoke was holding up my portfolio bag while simultaneously scribbling in his notebook. Quickly I strutted over to his station to retrieve my portfolio bag.

“Nice work.” He muttered, giving his infamous look of satisfaction.

I mustered up a quick smile before heading back to my table. Nikki was already leaning over on her elbows with her eyebrows going in opposite directions, waiting for me to sit down. Nikki is this the pink haired girl who always compliments me on my outfits and provides me with snacks since she realized I was pregnant. She kept my secret on the hush and for that I'm cool with her talking my ear off from time to time.

“What was all the smiling about? What you do to get on his good side?” Nikki teased taking my folder out of my hands and setting it behind our chairs.

Easing down into the seat I leant back for some back support and unbuttoned my flannel.

“I didn't do anything. I have a man Nik, you know that.” Shaking my head to her stupid ass assumption I watched my classmates one by one take back their portfolios from Zawada.

“You know I'm just messing with you. But question...why are we getting our portfolios back so soon? It's not even April yet and we still have a shit ton weeks until the class is over.” Nikki said, getting up from the table just as she finished talking.

I waited for her to sit back down so I could answer her question.

“I don't know. Maybe he wanted to give us our assignments back sooner than he planned.” I shrugged heavily.

Being six months pregnant and still going to class is beyond all of the expectations I set for myself. I didn't think I had it in me to continue with my half hour commute to class and sitting on these bar stools for three and a half hours. I'm still doing it and I'm so proud of myself. I always feared I would fall pregnant when I least expected and that is exactly what happened.

Nonetheless my life is still continuing the same as it always has with work, school, the constant bills and stress. I have an amazing support system behind me to make this journey all the more worth it.

Kamil and I have been living in our new place for about two weeks now and I love it. I love the large amount of space we now have, I love the kitchen and the floors and damn near everything in the apartment. Kamil shocked the hell out of me with the apartment of my dreams. He made one of my wishes come true and surprised me big time.

The only room that we haven't finished putting money into is the baby’s room. To be real, we haven't put forth the effort into shopping for furniture but the time has come for us to get off our asses. I'm not expecting any handouts for this project and neither is Kam. This is our child and it's our responsibility to get whatever we want and need for our baby. The only task I've got covered is finding three paint samples I like for my boy’s room.

My family and friends know me well so they know not to bombard me with blue colored baby gifts. I don't hate the color blue, I actually love it but I don't agree with that traditional color for a baby boy. I haven't shown anyone the samples I picked out because I want it to be a surprise mainly to Kamil. We agreed that I can pick out the color for the baby’s room and he can handle everything else.

By contract we aren't supposed to repaint any of the walls in our apartment but I worked an agreement with the leasing office. I'm allowed to paint one wall of my choice because I have a baby on the way. The stars just so happened to line up perfectly being that the woman who helped Kam get the place was pregnant herself. I wasn't around for the process of viewing the unit we now live in but I did get to meet her later on. She and I had something to bond over many times and I couldn't be happier with our deal.

“Girl get up..class is over.” I heard a faint voice speak close by.

Looking to my right I saw Nikki placing my portfolio bag on the table and setting my small backpack on top of it.

“I zoned out.” I mumbled, rising from my chair and grabbing Kam’s jacket. With my bag on my shoulder, the jacket across my forearm and my art bag in hand I'm all set. Nikki led the way out of class and the into the hallway.

“You got plans this afternoon?” I asked Nik, following her out to the courtyard.

“Well I have a appointment with my dick of a boss in a couple of hours so I think you know what I'll be doing.” Nikki’s aura has flipped to something dark and angry in just one sentence.

“Nikki if you hate your job so much, quit and find a better one. There are so many places you could work instead that piece of shit you call a studio. You've got skills and you should be working in a place where your talent is appreciated just as badly as your presence.” Maybe I'll motivate this girl to make a big change in her life or maybe I won't. Either way the choice is up to her and she's got to live with whatever path she travels down.  

“Yeah that's easy for you to say, you have a stable income. I'm an artist and at 24 I can't afford to be jobless even for a week. With all of the bullshit I have going on back home I have to support myself, by myself. I can't go back home. I'm not like the other kids that have family to go back to.” The sadness and desperation to be understood in Nikki’s voice made it hard for me not to get emotional.

We reached Nikki’s car and while she put her things inside I waited on the grass. I feel so much empathy for men and women like Nikki. The girl is an amazing artist and there's really nothing she can't do so I don't know what's holding her back from changing her place of employment.

Nikki took my art bag from me and set in the backseat of her car, waving me over to the passenger side.

“I'll give you a lift over to your car.” She smiled.

The short drive towards the front entrance of campus Nik and I talked about everything girls usually do. Boys, sex, fashion, clothes, food, more sex, and even a little music. Nikki is the only person I've felt comfortable socializing with on school property. My natural quiet personality hinders my desire to meet new people and quickly call people my friends. But with Nikki being a Scorpio just like I am, we clicked with no problem.

She's more of a wild one than I am but that's what makes our conversations so interesting. We both bring something different to the table and that's the best part. Nikki pulled up right beside my car and got out to give me a hand. I went and got the engine started while Nik loaded my backseat with my belongings.

“Thanks for the lift. I almost forgot I parked so far away from the building.” I chuckled giving off a shrug.

“How in the hell do you have the strength to walk that far being so pregnant? Superwoman much?” Nikki’s joke brought out a fit of giggles and a hiccup from me.

“Nah I just want to get as much exercise as I can before my body starts to hurt too much. I'm not ready for the sleepless night, the achy feet, and whatever else a full term pregnancy brings.” Smacking my lips I gave Nikki a slight hug and slid into my car.

“You must be getting ready to drive us to see daddy aren't you?” Looking at how close my belly was to the steering wheel made my eyes grow large. I'm really big and it's freaking me out a bit.

Slipping my hand between the seat and the door I moved my seat back from the steering wheel some. The space I now have is enough to get me around to where I need to go.

I've been driving around aimlessly just wasting gas trying to figure out what I want to do. The mall sounded like a good idea to do a little shopping for myself and the baby. Getting my toenails repolished and a full on foot scrub sounded great too. I just can't make up my damn mind!

Just as another idea of fun came to my mind my phone started ringing off the hook. Answering the call I switched to speaker and continued my drive.

“I know you're out of class girl, where are you?” Kamil quizzed.

“I've been out driving while my hunger rises to new levels. What are you?” I retorted quickly.

“At home..waiting for you. I don't have to go into work tonight and I want to spend time with you. I got something you can eat on.” Kamil's sexual innuendo earned him the opposite of a sarcastic remark. I'm down for some alone time with my man which will be an even bigger surprise for him.

The further along I've come, sex has been the farthest from the last thing on my mind. Kam's tried to spice up our sex life on multiple occasions and I can only recall two times where my hormones overrode my energy levels. I feel bad about neglecting him and especially since he hasn't brought up the conversation. I know he's hurt. I feel it in my gut but I never intended for our sex life to become so bland. Tonight is going to change all of that! From here on out pregnant and afterwards I vow not to deny my love the intimacy he's earned.

“I'm already on my way.” I mustered up a smooth response to which turned into phone sex. This is new too. I'm not the type to just talk about sex as if I can't have it. I'm also not the send a man nudes type either. Since I hit puberty I've prided myself in not being an overly sexual girl.

In high school, Kamil would always tell me how different I was and how one day the right nigga would come into my life. And you know what? Kam was right. He was that nigga to naturally bring out another side of me I always knew I possessed but didn't care to show off.

“We'll hurry your sexy ass up...I’ve been waiting.”

Kamil's voice is drenched in sexual tension might I admit. He sounds exactly the way I want him to. Not to mention that I can feel his energy through the phone. I know it sounds a little crazy but my guy feelings have always been on point. There has yet to be a moment in time where my instincts led me astray. I carried on our phone call for a little while longer until I couldn't take anymore teasing. I hung up and put all my focus into getting home safely.

Driving through the community gates I made my way to our building’s parking garage. My mind is only focused on one thing so I'm not even going to bother with bringing my portfolio up tonight. Killing the engine I reached behind me to grab my little bag to head up.

The second I stepped out of the car I saw a red box sitting next to the elevator. There's no one else around and my curiosity is peaked as to who's box this is. I went over to the elevator and bent over to see my name written across the top in small print.

“Oh boy.” I chucked softly. With the box in my free hand I got into the elevator and rode up to the fourth floor. The doors opened up after a couple of stops and there standing across from me was my roommate.

“What are you doing out here?” I asked, stepping out into the hall and holding the small box in between us.

“I see you got my present.”

That's all he said as he led me down the hall. Kamil was unusually quiet for someone who just talked my ear off about how much he can't wait to see me

“Kam why are you being so quiet? What's going on?” I mumbled, following behind him and shutting the front door behind us. Because these apartments are newly renovated neither of us ever have to manually lock the door. These locks are similar to the kind that hotels and resorts have installed in their doors.

Kamil freed my hands of my belongings, set them on the couch and escorted me down the hall.

“Kami-”

“Shh, don't talk yet. Just relax and let me follow through with what I've got set up.” He ordered in a nonaggressive tone. I was taken into the bathroom where there were candles and a bubble bath waiting. There wasn't any music playing but he does have some kind of video playing. I can make out the sound of water and nothing else. Also, the room smells like almond oil and mint leaves which has become such a nausea reliever as pregnant woman.

“Almonds and mint. You didn't forget.” I smiled taking in the sight of the bathroom. Tapping the side of my belly I felt a tear slide down my cheek and over my chin.

Kam kissed my cheek and began undressing me while I stood still in shock at what I'm looking at. The gesture is so minuscule but it means so much to me. We need this night and I'm praying we both end up satisfied and a little closer again.

“How could I forget your favorite scent? I know you like I know the hair growth on my balls.” Kam laughed obnoxiously in my ear.

“You're a damn fool but I love you so damn much. Thank you for tonight. I need this..you need this..we need this. And look I want to apologize for neglecting our sex life. I never want you to feel like I don't want you because that's far from the truth. I've just become so caught up in trying to stay healthy and to keep working. I love you baby and I have missed you so much.”

We shared a tender and tension filled kiss which helped to speed up the process of getting this night started. Kamil and I undressed each other a bit faster than a snail’s pace to savor every second of phase one.

“Mm mm mm.” He groaned deeply. Kam softly placed a hand on my back, rubbing my skin with the pads of his fingers.

“What?” I smiled.  

“You still smell like you did this morning. How is that possible? You don't sweat do you?” He asked me.

Shaking my head I walked over to the tub and lifted my leg to step inside. Kamil came up behind me and swiftly picked me up off the floor. Next thing I know he's stepping into our tub with me in his arms. After the lower half of our bodies were submerged in hot water I let out my long withheld breath.

“First of all, I do sweat. Second, thank you for the compliment. And lastly, where did that strength come from Incredible Hulk?”

Kam tipped his head back and began roaring with laughter. I too joined in on the laughter. This feeling I have right now is feeding my soul with something I never had before. I feel strong, loved and so fucking happy.

“What? I'm serious. I need some answers.” Calming myself down I leant back on his chest and took my hair out of its bun. Shuffling my curls around with my fingers I looked around for my cup.

When I laid eyes on my big plastic cup I filled it up with water and poured it over my frizzy hair. I kept going until Kamil helped me out.

“I've always been strong Elle. And being with you and going through the ups and downs that I have had only added to that strength. You want me to wash it for you?” He offered, reaching for my co-wash.

“Thank you.” Sitting up further I held onto my knees and stared at the ceiling as Kam worked through my curls. As a word replacement Kamil gave me a gentle scalp massage.

Moans and groans of every pitch are escaping my mouth and filling the room. It feels amazing to be catered to in such a loving way. Like I just cannot shake this boy. I love him so much and every emotion he makes me feel. Even when I'm super pissed and want to drown him in a tub, I can't let him go. We've been waiting so long for this and I don't plan on letting go anytime soon.

KAMIL

When I tell you I'm dumbfounded by how this night has gone, believe me I am. Tonight is on my list of favorites of how well the sex was. I didn't want to put much thought into getting my nut off but I was wrong. I thought Arielle would be more into sex being that pregnant women tend to be very horny. She is very in tune with her body and she seems to be proud of the way it looks. Hell, I'm proud to see my lady carry our baby within her own body and still keep a smile on her face.

Turning over to check the time I fell out at how late it is. It's three in the morning and here I am just looking around at my environment..at my home in awe. I know this is real life but as of now I feel like it’s all a dream. Losing Arielle forever is my absolute fear and times such as this one allows that paranoia to creep in. Life with her just seems too good to be true at times and it scares the shit out of me.

Leaning down to kiss on Elle’s exposed shoulder blade, I felt her barely shift from my action.

I paused for a moment to see if she would wake up or at least roll over to face me.  When I made a second move to wake up Elle, I watched her turn over on her back and stare up at me with one eye.

“What?” She mumbled, hardly opening her mouth to be loud.

“Hey..how you doing?” I smiled, kissing all over her face and neck.

Arielle knew she couldn’t fight the giggles that were coming out of her mouth a mile a minute.

“Okay..okay! What do you want? Why are you up right now?” She asked, sitting up and stretching her arms.

“I was thinking and I got lonely. Can I ask you something Arielle?”

Arielle whipped her head around quickly and all to cut her eyes at me. “Spit it out Shanon.”

“Are you still attracted to me in a sexual context? We’ve had the bare minimum of intimacy since November. I’m not trying to start a fight or nothing but we used to fuck on a regular basis and now you don’t seem as interested in sex as you used to. Is it me..is it us?”

Breathing sharply Arielle reached across me to grab my shirt and cover herself with. She scooted back to support her back using the headboard. I took it upon myself to lay across her lap, gently gripping her thigh.

“Kam..a lot has changed from before we broke up. A lot of the personality I used to possess has been altered because of our breakup. Now that we’re together once again and preparing to become a family..my old feelings are slowly coming back. I’ve always loved you so don’t ask me if I do. I am sorry for making you feel unwanted just because I’m pregnant because that is not the case. I’ve been so caught up in trying to make it through each day with as little stress as possible that I began straining our relationship as a couple. I promise to make this up to you in every way my tiny mom brain can think of.”