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morelikeastrhoelogy · 4 years

Text

Some astrological opinions

(positivity edition)

This is from a Cap pov ✨

Aries : Alrighty Aries ! I don’t have many Aries friends in my life, but I am an Aries moon and what I can say about the few Aries people I met is : even if you can be very confrontational and impulsive, at least I know you’re speaking what you truly think on the instant - like, you aren’t the type to stab people in the back, you stab your opponent and look him/her in the eyes. And do you know how rare it is nowadays ? Sometimes you can judge one’s moral values by the way they treat their own enemies. Also, you guys are young souls in the reincarnation cycle, hence why you often got so much energy to make bold choices or actions - and honestly, that’s refreshing, we need to feel new energies in our lives, which you always bring with yourselves ! 🔥

Taurus : Tauruses, I’m always so protective with you, I think you are so underrated ! Perhaps that’s because you are so reliable ? You are among the first people I instinctively trust when I get in a new school, a new town, and once you start sticking around someone, you don’t let them down - this may be part of your stubborn attitude ahah. You are what I would call « root » friends, and what’s really delightful with you is that we don’t necessarily need to know each other’s full life stories to share nice and warm moments together. Simple friendships are sometimes what we need the most to reconnect with ourselves, and you are the kind of people that always make people feel home. Also ? You know how to keep your close friends’ secrets - which don’t prevent you from judging them though 👀

Gemini : Alright, two of my very good friends are Gemini, and let me tell you : you guys are the people that make Caps like me feel fun when I have to do social interactions. There’s such a fun, dynamic energy with you and it’s contagious, you are my partners in crime and actually, long-lasting ones. For Earth signs, I think you bring this light-hearted vibes we desperately need sometimes, and I think the world would be definitely less bold and less funny without you to try out things I would secretely regret not trying. Also, when it comes to serious issues, you are among the first to help, even when I expect it the least, which makes you more trustworthy than what the cliché says. I wouldn’t say reliable though, but it’s not a criticism, it’s more because you have so many projects that you can easily adapt or change your plans depending on what you’re currently interested in. I’m speaking more specifically of Gemini girls here btw - sorry guys, I really don’t know you much... 🌪

Cancer : Cancers, you are the sweetest, most genuine and softest people I’ve ever known. I thank the Universe for sending you in my life, because you are the people that help me learning to embrace a softer, more vulnerable side of my personality, especially Cancer boys, who are among my best friends. As an Earth sign (and a Cap), I’d say we complete each other’s needs, and you guys bring us emotional liberation, which is priceless. You always care for you friends and you deserve to be cared about just as much, please don’t forget this. Also, Cancer girls : you are f i e r c e. And you know how many meanings can this word hold for you. 🧡

Leo : A round of applauses for the Diva of the Zodiac ! While it is true most of my Leo relatives and friends love attention and drama, they are actually the sweetest when their affection comes right from the heart and not from the ego. Most of them hold their eccentricity from a lowkey lack of confidence, though. You are the type of friends who will act generously to show your love, you just love to find the right attention for each of your friends and honestly, I am grateful for having a few Leo relatives because they always help me bringing out a more extrovert and fun side, just like Geminis. I’d say the difference with you and Geminis are that your energy comes from the fire of your heart while Geminis are literally free, non-rigid spirits, which give them the same vibes but I’d say you’re a bit more of a sentimentalist compared to them. Finally, I’d like to say that my father figure was a Leo too and he wasn’t necessarily « extra » like the cliché, Leos can be quiet and humble too, but their generous, affectionate heart will always betray them - when it’s not your ego, ahah. 🦁

Virgo : Dear Earth fellow, I think Caps and Virgos are very similar in their rational way of thinking and organizing their life. Along with Tauruses, you feel safe and I just know I can rely on you when I have a project going on. I’m not necessarily talking about business project, although it could be : it can be something personal, which is much more important, and I know I can trust you to have my back. You are very protective when you love someone - and also ? quite kinky for some of you. Yeah, people say you are control freaks, that you have a problem with authority but you know what ? Most of the Virgos I know don’t have that problem, or rather : they start off like this, and with time, they become of the chillest friends I know, unless when they start panicking about something they didn’t expect or didn’t know how to handle. You sure don’t like to feel your ego hurt, and you won’t spare your words when you attack back, but that’s also because you do know how to choose your words, almost like Water signs, but in a more calculating way - and I mean it in a neutral way, like it can be used to find peace in a argument too, because you are very observant of the people around you, what triggers them and what appeases them. 🦢

Libra : Libras, you’re going to hate me for making such a short passage for you, but truth is... I literally don’t know any Libra in my life. However, from what I know and the few Libras I met in my life, I’d like to say you do stand out with your aesthetic. People say you are always good-looking, but I think this beauty mostly comes out of the fact that your appearance matches your soul, your way of feeling and embracing yourself - and that’s incredibly sexy. Also, that’s definitely something ethereal with you, you are a free spirit like Gemini but even more regarding your social life. You don’t want to be chained to relationships, you let them go with the flow and I think that also comes from your intellectual and emotional attachment to freedom - like the other Air signs. ☁️

Scorpio : I don’t really get the hate around Scorpios. Just like Pisces, they are among the most loyal, dedicated and caring friends I’ve known, even if they may have some trouble expressing what they feel intensely. I don’t mind it, personally, I love how meaningful their little gestures can be, you just know it comes from a honest place ! Your friendships are solid ones too, once someone got your heart. People say you might be manipulative, but again, isn’t it the same reproach for every Water signs ? Tbh, unlike Pisces, I’ve seen you guys be criticized most of the time because of your blunt honestly, and not your lies. You’ re too proud not to say what’s on your mind when it matters to you. Finally, I also love your creativity, I think yours is quite underrated compared to the other Water signs’, I mean, when you channel your intensity into art, you guys come up with such great ideas, I had so much fun writing stories with my Scorpio friend ! 🖤

Sagittarius : My sis is a Sagittarius, and as chaotic our relationship can be, I must admit there’s no one braver than her in my life. She has this fire, this willpower that has always allowed her to bounce back in hard times, and I think that’s what I find most inspiring in Sagittarius. You guys don’t hesitate, you just chase your goals and desires and it’s basically what’s life is for ! Just remember you are allowed to be vulnerable sometimes. Also, I think you are actually very very smart, but in a cooler, « no big deal »way than other signs (don’t get me wrong though : you know your worth, and you won’t hesitate reminding people), I guess that’s what makes your humor so witty ! Oh, and your fashion aesthetic ? It always carries a part of your personality, you aren’t the type to buy clothes that aren’t of the quality or the brands you like. I actually think you are quite fashionable, but always in your own style. 🐎

Capricorn : Alright my dear fellows, time to give the Goat some appreciation time. Of course one of my best friends is a Cap, because between goats, we understand each other. While it would be difficult to find the good parts of my Cap personality, it is so much easier with this friend. Caps are reliable and loyal, the friendships we offer is made of iron, and we rarely break them, unless we feel truly betrayed or used. Just like Tauruses, we don’t like drama, or at least, we don’t like to start dramas - but judging people ? Oh h o n e y.... Anyway, that’s probably because we have more maturity and mostly self-control in social interactions. Don’t get me wrong : on the inside, we can hold grudges forever as long as our ego thinks it’s important. So, yes we are proud beings, stubborn ones, but that’s also what makes us succeed in our goals and rarely give up, despite our fear of failure and disappointment. Also, I think we can all agree that we are funny as hell, in the goofiest or wittiest ways possible sometimes. Finally, I wanna conclude with something : on the emotional level, we are a lot similar to Scorpios. What we feel is so authentic and dedicated that we often have a hard time to express it, especially since we are also like Virgos in our way of observing people and calculating our words. We might fear it wouldn’t be worth the risk, so we keep it inside and express our love in subtle, yet genuine and protective ways, with gifts or caring advises for example. 🐐

Aquarius : Ohh, Aquarius, I had the most amazing and heart-breaking friendships with you. I know a lot of people have a negative experience with Aquarius, but I think that’s because our own expectations of them end up being betrayed instead of accepting them as they are, including their boundaries and their conception of relationships. You don’t owe anything to any of your friends, if this friend doesn’t stimulate you anymore, on an intellectual or emotional level, you won’t fake it, you won’t force it, you just follow your guts, even if that person used to be your best friend or that person you used to text every day and night. Friendships last as long as you have fuel to feed them with these free spirits. These old souls don’t have time anymore to keep superficial friendships for old time’s sake, they want mature, profound connexion, and when they actually fall in love and let down their rational, cold-looking wall ? They become devotee of their lover. There’s no in-between with you Aquariuses : it’s ride or die, the spiritual, intellectual or emotional connexions you share are intense, often fusional for a time, and the best thing to do with you is to enjoy it while it lasts and respect your boundaries. 🌬

Pisces : Let’s end up with the oldest souls of the zodiac ! Maybe the ancient age of your soul explains why you understand so well the mechanisms of the soul ? I think you definitely are the moms of the Zodiac, more than Cancers, but that’s a bit despite yourselves. You didn’t ask for this, it’s something you genuinely feel, as your soul remembers its past experiences. I do think most of you guys partly suffer from this empathy and these overflowing emotions when you don’t manage to channel them through exercices or art. Tragic thing is, when you reincarnate, you forget you are an old soul, and yet, you are born with the feelings and intuition of an old soul, which can take some times to figure out. I think this is the main reason why people often accuse you of being toxic or having boundary issues. That’s why I also don’t agree when people call you the baby of the zodiac. You are no baby, you are the oldest of them all, and you don’t know what to do with what your soul has acquired during all these past lives. Also, even if you are caring and very compassionate, you have to admit you do have a strong ego too. It’s okay, no need to repress it, everybody got one and we won’t throw rocks at you for showing it when you lose your temper 🌊

#zodiac #astrology #no nuance november #capricorn #taurus #libra sun #sun signs #positivity #aries zodiac #gemini #scorpio #sagittarius #virgo zodiac #leo zodiac #aquarius #cancer #pisces

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cerastes · 4 years

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Oh yeah, been a while since we get an update on tabletop things, what's the CAST looking like nowadays?

Life’s WAY too busy for tabletop right this second so not much has changed, but:

“Lisbeth Elstad” (Alias; real name far more mundane)

Wimp that tries to project a strong image.

Would normally be a shopkeeper in any setting, but circumstance has forced her to undertake adventure instead.

REALLY ill suited to being anything except a shopkeeper, but she’s trying.

Extremely intelligent, not wise in the slightest. A genius when it comes to biology, chemistry, physics and medical sciences, but very naive and full of prejudice as a person. She thinks she’s wise and learned, but she’s really not (she is well-traveled, however).

Alchemist; in a world of magic, it’s one of only two things she can knows how to use, but makes up for it by using her extensive knowledge of chemistry and pharmacology to produce facsimiles of magic, since she can’t use it normally. No need to cast Fireball when you can whip up a vial of napalm and throw it at someone.

Ironically, despite being an Alchemist, she hates money, and will give medical treatment basically for free (her rate is usually “enough to buy something to eat at the nearest food stall”) if she sees someone that needs it, especially if they are not human.

Dislikes humans, feels much more at home with non-humans, despite being human herself.

Just like her “magic”, most everything about her is a facsimile of what she thinks a “cool, strong mercenary” should be like. Name, appearance, way of carrying herself, all fake. Her main “spells” are all reference to the Malebolge, Eighth Circle of Hell, where counterfeiters go. She’s pretty self-aware about it all, really.

Chaotic Good. Genuinely good intentions, but is very socially inept and emotionally immature, so her mood tends to fluctuate a lot.

Long dyed blond hair, silver contact lenses, very tall and lanky, like a noodle or a beanstalk. Wears black suits and a black two-headed wolf pelt because she thinks it makes her cool (though the pelt is actually an important item to her), a completely blank white mask because she has a terrible poker face and doesn’t want everyone around her to know when she’s scared shitless (again, wimp), and a large witch hat because that’s just the culture, baby.

19 years old; another older version of her exists (27 years old) used not in tabletop, but for stories, particularly alongside Glock Elf and her gang. Glock Elf begrudgingly considers her a mentor of sorts, but the reverse is true, as the cynical Ms. Elstad has legitimate respect for Glock Elf’s balls to the walls style of life that’s less about making big enormous machinations and more about throwing flying kicks first and asking questions later.

Rasmus Casper Istre

Swindler, but has the brains and brawn to back it up.

Used to be a phony fortune teller, but picked on a target too dangerous one time and had to leg it, this led him to meet the party and embark on adventure, initially just to put food on the table, later, to uncover a larger conspiracy that put the world at risk.

Good at improvising and coming up with creative solutions, though he’ll often let greed guide his hand and end up incurring more risk than he needs to, both to himself and to his allies, if it means scoring a bit more money.

Rogue; An expert with daggers and very intimate bedfellow to fisticuffs. He is not formally trained in any capacity and is entirely self-taught.

Also known as “Rabbit”; the Gods Of The Land awarded him this title for his cunning, speed, and his trademark ability to look harmless right before you fall into his trap.

Despite his crook-like nature, Rasmus has only the deepest respect for ladies and is not interested in courting anyone except the Elven Priestess that won his heart.

As much as it pained him to admit it, he eventually grew so fond of the party that he basically rejected an offer to betray them that would have set him up for life, saying “I never would’ve had to worry about money ever again in my life, which is neat, but I would’ve had to ally myself with the lowest, most unforgivable piece of garbage in this world had I done that, and I’d have to see his face every morning of my life in the mirror”.

Endgame set-up: A powerful hardened Blacklight Dagger with an enchantment that makes it return to the its owner after being thrown, alongside an evil thunderstorm crafted into a gauntlet, which endowed it with incredible lightning powers, and which gave my DM headaches when I looked at the cursed thunderstorm and asked the DM if I could feasibly capture it and forge it into an item with the several scrolls and artifacts we had that, technically allowed for us to at least attempt it. My DM rocks though so he said yes but I treated him to pizza that night.

One time, Rasmus stole the body of a seemingly invincible hero the party managed to kill and preserved it in salt, and then, with his Half-Orc Barbarian party member and friend, strapped him to the front of a Greatshield to make what we dubbed the Hero’s Corpse Shield, which was practically indestructible and impenetrable because of the hero tied to the front of it.

Chaotic Neutral; initially more interested in profit than anything, and later helping out the party simply because they are his sworn brother and sisters, but doesn’t really care too much about doing right or wrong. His involvement is wholly personal.

Very slightly above average height, short brown hair, stubble, green eyes, slim but toned build, mostly wears leather or chainmail, but one time went around in robes with a sun-looking mask for a while when he became the impromptu leader of a cult, in order to avoid getting executed for maximum heresy (the whole hero’s corpse on a shield thing).

In his 20s. The game in which he was my character is over, but we’re seeing if we Season 2 it because we all fucking loved it a lot.

Fargigoth

Newest addition, so not much out yet.

Half-Orc Artificer. Stole a small field cannon that an army was employing during a battle and uses that as his “cauldron” to shoot things out of it. He’s a BIG lad, so he carries the cannon with his hands.

Once stuffed a Fire Elemental’s corpse in the cannon and threw in a bunch of other garbage, resulting in an explosive shotgun blast of debris, shrapnel and hellfire that sent him flying backwards because, it turns out, cannon recoil hits pretty hard.

Good friends with a female Tiefling Paladin party member.

And combined, they can’t unscrew a lightbulb without putting into motion a Metal Gear Solid-esque conspiracy, unintentionally.

#tabletop ocs

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iamdeltas · 3 years

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001 agatha/wanda

(Can I just say, I find it very amusing how pretty much every time I've reblogged a fandom related ask meme within the past few months, I without fail get at least one Agatha-related ask? You guys know me well. Either that or you saw my icon and tumblr title and took a wild guess at what character I probably like haha)

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when I started shipping it if I did: TBH I don't know if I ship them, as in, I'm not incredibly invested or anything (as is usual for me with most ships), but I guess I casually ship them? As in, I Just Think They'd Be Neat! And that pretty much started after episode 8. I'd seen a gifset after episode 1 with Agatha and Wanda with the caption "Harold..." and I was like 👀 but I hadn't honestly thought much about the idea of them as a ship until seeing their dynamic in episode 8 because wow was that an interesting mix of fascination and hatred, especially on Agatha's end! I was very intrigued.

my thoughts: I Just Think They'd Be Neat. Like I said, I loved their dynamic, whether in the sitcom bits or in the In Real Life bits, and, I mean, who doesn't love a ship between foils, you know? (Definitely read an interview with Jac Schaeffer talking about how they're both kind of similar in that they're both a mix of good and bad so I sure felt vindicated!) I think they're more similar than either of them would care to admit and it'd be cool to see them having to maybe reluctantly team up and learn more about each other and admit/realize their surprising similarities.

What makes me happy about them: I dunno? I guess the possibilities there are for character dynamics with them?

What makes me sad about them: Uh. IDK. Maybe the fact that I'm really worried we'll never actually see them interact again and that we might never even see Agatha again (there's a part of me that's insistent that, look, if the MCU, which does kill off a majority of its villains, kept Agatha alive, that probably means they're gonna bring her back! But then the rest of me is like, this is the MCU, fool! Lower your expectations!) or if we see her again, she'll be mischaracterized or she'll not have learned from her previous encounter and will just. try to take Wanda's magic again, and words cannot state how much I Do Not Want That. I want to see Change and Growth dammit! Not just a rehash of their last encounter!

things done in fanfic that annoys me: Honestly I don't read a lot of fanfic for them. I might sometimes venture into their AO3 tag out of curiosity but most fanfic I read nowadays in general just comes from friends' recommendations, and most of their fic recs are from other fandoms soooo. But I guess one thing I've seen that irks me a tad is when fics rush through the "enemies to friends" part of the "enemies to friends to lovers" thing. I guess this is just a general enemies to lovers thing but I have seen this in a few Wanda/Agatha fics and... I get the impulse, but I really enjoy that slow journey from hatred to tolerance to learning more about each other to, not liking quite yet, but a mutual understanding, to actually enjoying each other's company to finally maybe being friends? to oh shit, maybe there's some other feelings here! to lovers. And also it just doesn't make character sense for them to, IDK, have sex with each other after a couple of chapters, especially if it's canon compliant! At this point in canon, both of them would hate each other for totally reasonable reasons! Wanda would hate Agatha for, y'know, the whole manipulating her and threatening her kids thing. Agatha would hate Wanda for, oh, I dunno, imprisoning her in her own mind behind a Nosy Neighbor Sitcom Persona. They've got some shit to work through! Let me see that process!

things I look for in fanfic: Same as with any fanfic really--good characterizations. Good characterizations will sell me on any premise, even AUs I'm normally not a fan of. (Except maybe high school AUs.)

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Easy answer for Wanda: Vision. Look, they're very cute together. For Agatha, honestly, the sky's the limit. I don't have any preference and there are a lot of interesting possibilities. I once saw Agatha/Hela as a suggestion which was intriguing as hell. Also I would like to see Agatha and Nebula interact, mostly cuz I think their dynamic would be really fun and hilarious, though I do mainly mean as friends BUT I wouldn't be opposed to seeing romantic shippiness either, sooo....

My happily ever after for them: Not entirely sure. Just something involving Wanda getting to find love again, Agatha learning to care about someone other than herself for the first time in a long time, and them just... being happy together, I guess? I can't see Agatha ever getting into the heroing biz but I can see her just becoming a fun Chaotic Neutral presence just watching Wanda do her superhero thing.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: I think they switch, tbh.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Probably doing magic together.

#s answers asks

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writerice · 4 years

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So I’m freaking out because Maxwell Atoms has just been asked and given support for a Billy and Mandy movie and its so freakin’ wild, I’m absolutely losing it. Do you know how great it is to know that not only had the Invader Zim series gotten its movie, but now, there may be a Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy movie? I’m so elated! I don’t know what to think- Of COURSE the show deserves a proper send off, after we didn’t get the Undertale spinoff we were hyped up for. One thing bothers me though, and thats how it’ll be worked out, after so many years. There was such a wild change of media since the 2000′s when the show first aired, where kid’s shows featuring satire or criticsized American society were more loved and accepted, whereas nowadays, satire doesn’t seem to sit well with most people. Least of all if the delivery occurs through characters who didn’t care about standing for anyone, or anything, but were just as materialistic as everyone else in the 2000′s.

Where would any of these characters fit in a movie to air in the present day? Mandy is a ruthless girl- A fascist dictator, in fact, with literally nothing stopping her. The only thing relatable about her is that she craves power and that she’ll eat hot chip and lie and watch monster truck rallies. She’s mostly depicted as being evil, which would be the weirdest thing for people of 2020 to see and accept. She’s better than the Mindys of the 2000′s because she doesn’t rely on passive aggressive bullying tactics to get her way, and she would never break or demean someone based on the color of their skin or by their identity. She’s the true embodiement of “I’m not a racist- I hate everyone equally”, and I found that genuinely refreshing, as she never participated in anything like that even while looking to serve herself. I don’t know, you guys tell me how you view her.

Billy is a sexist idiot. I don’t have to explain shit further than that. Sometimes he’s considered the closest thing to the “heart” of the group and he’ll try to make friends out of everyone, and that sometimes works in his favor. But our generation is so intellectual and overeducated. I enjoyed his silly screams and liked him, but I felt uncomfortable when he reminded me of friggin’ Cotton Hill.

Grim is... Well, actually, he’s probably the chillest and coolest character. I don’t see how anyone would have a problem with him. I still ship him with Velma Green. And is anyone ever going to comment on the weird sexual tension he had for Billy’s mom? I SAW HIM PLAYING WITH A DOLL OF HER IN THE BATHTUB WHEN HE THOUGHT HE WAS ALONE. But it’s so weird, acknowledging that this movie, if it happens, will take place during this kind of era. Punk sensitivities and attitudes aren’t appreciated here, unless its for the obvious, goody two shoes reasons, whereas TGAoBaM reveled between having chaotic energy and also being disaffected or neutral towards issues such as politics and social justice unless it was something that Mandy could use as a tool towards her disposal and personal ascension of power and comfort. It doesn’t matter if any of us are kids discovering these things for the first time, or are 20-somethings who literally grew up alongside these shows. Maybe we can finally admit that our childhoods have never truly ended, and thats more than okay. Cartoons change, but punk is forever.

Also, I just REALLY FUCKING NEED TO SEE BILLY AND MANDY AND GRIM AGAIN, I LOVED THEIR ATTITUDES.

#grim adventures of billy and mandy #maxwell atoms #movie #animation #billy #mandy #grim

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hydrangeasimagination · 5 years

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The Knight’s Game

Pairing: Bakugo X Gender Neutral! Reader

Summary: The Bakusquad decide to make the rest of the time in the loop as happy as possible, after consulting you on what you all had already done, they planned out a couple things for the weekend.

Warning: None. Mostly just comfort, a more feel good kind of deal.

A/N: The third part in the series! One more chapter to go!! More Baku fluff!!!

(AO3 Link)

[First Part] [Second Part] [Fourth Part]

"I'm surprised you agreed to come."

Bakugo felt his pulse jump a little bit at the sound of your voice. But steeled his expression and scowled over his shoulder at you, making sure to baring his teeth as he roughly shoved his hands into his pockets.

"What? You don't want me here or something?" He snipped, feeling his heart roll over pathetically in his chest at the sound of your sweet laughter.

Fuck, he missed hearing it. You barely did any of it nowadays and after hearing all about why just makes him feel like shit for not being able to do anything. Least he could do his show up and try to make you feel better, even if it was at his expense. The curl of your slightly glossed lips drew his eyes straight to them but quickly tore them away when he realized where he was staring.

"No, not at all." Your tone was a bit tired, but mirthful nonetheless. "I like having you around."

His pulse skipped.

Standing right at his side, you gave him a lazy grin and turned back to look around for your friends. The comfortable silence settling between you two allowed him a bit to think to himself as he wordlessly watched you from the corner of his eyes. He liked moments like this, it let him calm his rushing thoughts, maybe get his dose of being in your presence.

It was kind of amazing how easily you soothed him, it was also amazing how easily you could rile him up. He didn't know whether he hated it or liked it. But either way, Bakugo knew that he couldn't bring himself to hate you.

"They're late." You commented offhandedly, tucking your chin into your scarf with a raise of your eyebrow.

Katsuki blinked before he looked down to look at his watch and a scowl appeared on his features again, "How the hell could they be late? We all live in the same damn building!"

A snort escaped you, dissolving into quiet giggles as the ash blond glared daggers at you for a moment. He sighed heavily before he shoved his hand into his pocket to bring out his phone and text those idiots.

Almost on cue, a text from Kirishima popped up in the group chat.

[rocky][11:05] - we got a little held up by teachers, go ahead with out us

"Those idiots..." Bakugo muttered, rolling his eyes as he put his cell away and turned to you, "Let's go, they're being held up."

"Oof." You snickered again, amused at that as you both fell into stride with one another. "Sounds about right."

"What? That they got stopped or that they're stupid as hell?" The ash blond asked, giving you a smug smirk.

"Both."

He couldn't hold the roar of laughter at the dryness in your voice, it quickly fading into chortles once you both realized you were getting stared at. Of course, that was quickly remedied by a sharp look from the blond and you both continued your trek.

The city was bustling with people as usual, so much so that he was even closer to you than before. He definitely wasn't complaining but his hands were already always sweaty, so having you close enough that he could smell the grapefruit from you made him understandably nervous.

Like hell he'd admit it out loud though, you knew he didn't hate you...

Right?

The short walk to the fair wasn't anything to write home about. He assumed since it was the weekend, a lot of students would come out but it wasn't too busy which was surprising. Watching your eyes light up at the sight of the place let him relax a little bit though, it was nice to see something on your face other than apathy settled his worry for the time being.

"I didn't know that this was so close to campus." You quietly gasped before a smile bloomed on your features.

"Shitty-hair found out it was just open for the weekend." Bakugo snorted quietly in amusement, carmine eyes full of nothing but fondness.

Of course, his expression changed to one of neutrality once you shifted your gaze back to him.

A stunning, almost blinding grin overcame the smile and you grabbed his hand, "Let's go!"

He let out a grunt of surprise as you began to drag him along the boardwalk, a determined look on your face. Bakugo just rolled his eyes and let himself be pulled, walking to keep in pace with you.

The feeling of your hand in his made his heart race, fingers lacing through his as you slowed down.

"... Hmm, since it's just us, could this be considered a date?" You lazily asked.

He choked on his own spit, his wide eyes shooting over to you in surprise. His ears began to burn, warmth washing up the nape of his neck in an instant.

Fuck.

He didn't even think about it, those idiots were more than aware of his feelings so maybe they did this shit on purpose. His phone buzzed twice, making him cringe before he slid it out to look down at it.

[raccoon eyes] [11:17] - have funnn ;)

"Fucking god." Bakugo muttered, feeling the heat in his face become searing; practically branding itself into his skin.

"What's up?" You asked, flicking your gaze over your shoulder.

He locked his phone and growled again, pushing his cell into his pocket as he looked away to regain his composure. He should've known those idiots were up to something, especially with how they were looking at him the day before. Meeting your gaze again, a well of curiosity flooded through him.

"Hey, Dumbass, were they ever late before?" Bakugo inquired as he slid up beside you again.

"Hmm... No?" You mumbled, a mixture of confusion and excitement in your voice, "Well, we didn't really do this before. Everything is different."

The relief on your face was apparent, making him smile, just the slightest bit. He thought for a second before he turned to you, opening up his body language a little bit more. His eyes lingered on your face for a moment before he shifted his attention back to the fair before you, his voice barely louder the gentle thumps of your shoes on the wooden dock.

"Alright, what do you wanna do first?"

Blinking in surprise, your eyes drifted to him. Bakugo was rather close to you, his gaze pointed forward. Slowly, you inched closer to him, hand squeezing tighter in his and reminding him that you were still holding it.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when your side rested against his, his wide eyes shooting over to you in a mixture of surprise and embarrassment.

You only smiled at him, squeezing it gently as you softly spoke, "I'll go where you do."

He felt like he was melting, fuck, you were so pretty.

Clearing his throat, Katsuki stuffed his free hand into his pocket. He hesitantly, slowly ran his thumb over the back of your hand.

"Let's get fuckin' going then."

Tag List: @thecryingsombra

#bnha imagines #bnha #bnha x reader #boku no hero academia #mha imagines #mha x reader #mha #my hero academia #bakugo katsuki x reader #bakugo katsuki #the king's game series #dari writes #x reader #x reader insert #reader insert #angst

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petersmparker · 5 years

Text

The River Café (Peter Parker x Reader)

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader, Flash Thompson x Reader (as a Plot Device™️ (that I ended up being lowkey attached to?? hit me up flash))

Summary: You’ve decided that you’re going to go out and have a nice time, insistent feelings for your best friend Peter Parker or otherwise.

Word Count: 3757

Warnings: a spicey hint of sailor’s mouth

A/N: I started this two days ago and nearly shitcanned it but now I’m like... kinda in love with it?? I hope y’all like it, I know sticking Flash up in there is unusual but honestly I dig how it came together and I hope everyone’s willing to give it a shot 💙❤️ and also believe me when I say that Flash’s name is legitimately Eugene I fucking swear it (side note: consider this part of my congratulations to @moonstruckholland for one year on her blog!! I hope you enjoy this girl idk what your fic prefs are)

"Let's go on a date friday night."

Your group of friends has grown together over the past few years. Leaps and bounds past what you ever might have expected, even. It’s something that you still find yourself reassessing sometimes; occasionally getting caught off guard by something that’s actually pretty natural by now. You can’t help but be pleasantly surprised, though, when you catch yourself thinking back to what it was while witnessing what it is.

Sophomore year of highschool was a ton of awkwardness wrapped up in a silly belief that everyone had already become the person they were meant to be. Senior year, you find it much more appealing to declare just how much no one knows that they’re doing.

The one constant for you in all this time has been Peter. Peter, ever-changing, ever-moving, ever-working, has not remained static in his existence. He has, however, stayed unwaveringly connected to you. For him, you do the same.

You’re there when Uncle Ben dies, sitting in the stairwell of the funeral home when Peter can’t handle another person passing on their condolences. It’s you who makes Peter do his homework and study for his tests when he determines that he doesn’t need school anymore. Your eyes follow him as he sprints from the gymnasium on the night of homecoming, and again later when he decides to sneak off the bus to investigate the space ship descending upon New York. When you wake up on the other side of the Blip, it’s you who runs to Peter’s apartment to find him mourning the loss of his mentor.

“Don’t you get tired?” Peter asked once in junior year, as you wiped blood from his side with a wet wash cloth, fuming over the newest live report of J Jonah Jameson, “You don’t wish you didn’t have to deal with all of this?”

“Never,” you had responded, “I. . . I love you, Pete.”

Peter had given you a small, weak smile and returned to digging through the first aid kit, seemingly untouched by your admission. It’s not difficult to assume that he had interpreted it friendly in nature, and you figure that that’s proof enough of his nonexistent feelings for you.

That's why, a year later-- assured in the belief that Peter views you only as a friend and comfortable enough in the fact that you’re still figuring this whole life thing out-- you decide to accept the offer of one Flash Thompson for a date.

What’s the harm, you figure. It seems casual enough, and Flash had mellowed out over the years. He's no longer quite so quick to tease others or flaunt his wealth, and had become a relatively decent friend of yours. Worst case scenario, it’s awkward, you get a free meal, and the both of you continue on to pretend it didn’t happen. Best case. . .

Maybe you move on from Peter.

Peter shows up unannounced at your door late Friday afternoon with a backpack full of schoolwork and snacks. It's not unusual of him at all, and yet when you hurry to answer the door, the sight of him catches you by surprise.

His gaze flicks upward to your wet hair, twisted into a towel, and then down to your hands, which you're holding out cautiously to avoid ruining a fresh coat of black polish. The confusion on his face is amused in nature. You're not normally one to paint your nails unless there's an event going on.

"Uh, hi, Peter," you say, trying not to sound unwelcoming.

This is such bad timing.

"Hey," he greets, hand wrapping around the strap of his backpack, "What's up? I was thinking we could do homework for an hour and then give up to watch movies instead."

You hadn't told Peter about the date. Telling him, you feared, would feel like you were asking for him to disapprove. To ask you not to go. It wasn't a disappointment you were willing to inflict upon yourself. Not when you were feeling a bit of hope for the outcome of the date. You wanted to be enthusiastic; wanted to enjoy the company of a friend and see if something could come out of it that was more than hopeless pining.

"I kind of have plans," you admit, unable to meet his eye.

Confusion colors his tone now, too. "Oh, really? Well, uh, do you mind if I come in for a little while anyway? Since I'm here. I need a bit of help with the English assignment."

Part of you wants to say no. But you can't look at Peter Parker and turn him away, and so you back up to let him into your apartment. He knows the way to your room by now and leads the way there. Every available surface is littered with items of clothing. He'd seen your room somewhat messy before, but you can tell he isn't expecting it to look like a tornado has been through your closet. You avoid his eyes, embarrassed, when he turns to give you a questioning look.

He throws himself onto your bed, shifting to sit with his back against the headboard, and digs a notebook from his bag. After a moment, he pulls a dress out from under himself and puts it aside.

You find yourself standing awkwardly in the doorway. A glance at the alarm clock on your nightstand tells you that Flash will be picking you up in only forty-five minutes. Peter clearly doesn't intend to leave until he's asked, and you don't have the will to ask. Which means you're going to have to just finish getting ready, anyway, and send him off before Flash arrives.

"What did you need help with?" You ask, going over to the dresser to look into the mirror above it.

You remove the towel from your hair to find that it's mostly dry. Satisfied, you brush it all back, away from your face. You see him looking at you in the mirror, but attempt to ignore it. It's already uncomfortable enough preparing for a date in front of the guy you're in love with. Must he make you feel weird for prettying yourself up a bit, even inadvertently?

What did I do to deserve this? you wonder, and apply a hint of peach eyeshadow with the tip of your finger.

He looks back to the notebook. You pretend not to notice that, either.

"The argumentative essay," he says finally, with a sigh, "Mr. Sharpton said my thesis needs work."

"Sharpton tends to be a picky little bitch. Read it to me," you instruct, dabbing glitter onto your eyelids and across your freckles.

He does. It's not the worst thesis statement. The intention is clear. Peter's always been better with math and science, but he's never been hopeless with English, either. "Well, you've got all three prongs already," you start, before pausing to apply a healthy amount of clear gloss, "They're just not parallel. It sounds awkward. For what you're trying to say, you could probably just reorganize the sentence, but structure it around the phrase, 'Through the author's use of. . . '" you wave your hand, indicating his points, "'. . .blah blah blah is represented.'"

Peter hums in understanding, followed by the scratching of pen against paper. You take the time to apply mascara and go about picking through the clothes strewn around the room to reassess what to wear. Kneeling on the floor, you throw various clothes back toward the open closet door.

Too casual, too dressy, too casual, too casual, that's stained, ew.

Your cell phone beeps on the bedside table. The sound of pen on paper ceases. Before you can say anything, Peter, who've never minded reading your texts, picks it up out of habit. He reads the message out to you.

"Um. Flash says to wear something fancy?" He says, sounding disconcerted.

The sick feeling in your stomach is immediate.

"Uhh. Thanks."

You pull the black dress that you'd deemed too dressy back out of the closet, hoping to appear more casual and less about-to-vomit. Thirty minutes left. Not even that much. Just twenty minutes and you could have sent Peter home none the wiser and had an extra ten to hype yourself up for this date, but now you're confronted with the fact that Peter knows. He knows and you're going to have to hear about it.

"You're going out with Flash?" He asks as you attempt to quell your nerves by focusing very hard on removing the couple of cat hairs that stick to the velvet material of the dress.

"Yeah."

"Like, on a date?"

"Yeah."

You risk a glance at Peter. His expression is unreadable. The sight of it makes your stomach twist. To escape it, you step into the closet and close the door under the guise of changing clothes.

"How did that happen?" Peter calls through the door.

You wince. There's something in his tone like disappointment, and you realize that you never considered the possibility that he might judge you for your willingness to go on a date with Flash. Sure, they were something like friends nowadays, but maybe that didn't mean Peter actually genuinely liked the guy. The prospect of having just lost Peter's respect is like a needle to the heart.

"He- He asked me out after decathlon the other day. I thought it might be fun."

"That's. . . interesting," Peter says, tone still off in some way.

The feeling that spreads through you is gross. There's a bitter taste in your mouth. You hate it. This was supposed to be something simple, something nice you could enjoy for yourself. You don't want Peter to ruin it for you, whether or not that's his intention.

You tug on the dress hurriedly and exit the closet, doing your best to maintain some sort of neutrality in your expression. "Flash is my friend. He said he that he kinda likes me and it seemed like it would be nice to go out with him," you say, "Whats wrong with that, Peter?"

Peter looks like he's been accused. Your tone wasn't as calm as intended, so it's no surprise.

"Nothing!" He responds, throwing his hands up in a placating gesture, "It's just- it's weird, isn't it?"

It feels like the air has been sucked out of your room. Your ears ring. In the back of your head, you know-- you know he only means it's weird because it's Flash you're about to go out with. But you're being faced with a conversation you didn't want, forced to acknowledge that you were never going to just find a person who makes you laugh and be able to just get the hell over Peter, and what comes out reflects the hurt feelings that are eating at you in the moment.

"Weird?" You demand, "Is it really so goddamn weird that someone could have feelings for me, Peter? Just because you don't-!"

Anger and hurt clouds your brain and you lose your train of thought entirely, breaking off in an involuntary scoff. You snatch your shoes off the floor and your apartment keys off the dresser. It isn't until you've stalked over to the nightstand to grab your phone that you continue.

"I'm leaving. I'm going on that date with Flash and I'm going to enjoy myself. Lock the door on your way out."

Peter's still on the bed, unmoved. He looks more startled than he's ever been by something you've said, and then even more so when you toss the apartment keys in his direction.

When you storm out of your own home, shoes still clutched in your hand, you try desperately to wipe from your mind the image of the shocked look on your best friend's face.

The date is nice.

Like, actually, genuinely nice.

Flash happens to arrive at your building just in time to find you gazing hard into the glass of the lobby. You're swiping frustratedly at the mascara that has run with the few angry tears you couldn't prevent. You manage to play the makeup off as no big deal, but his eyes drift immediately to your bare feet and the shoes clutched in your left hand. There's no good explanation for being shoeless on a New York City street.

"Do I want to ask?" He questions, looking kinda grossed out and at least moderately concerned.

"Please don't," you answer.

He opens the car door for you like you haven't already ruined your chances of impressing him, and you can't help but marvel at how different he is from the Flash of two years ago, who would most definitely have gotten back in his car and sped off.

The drive is long and Flash won't tell you what the destination is. You pass the time with chatter, not all that different from what you'd probably be exchanging in study hall. The convertible's roof is down, which makes it difficult not to look up for a hint of red and blue passing by, but Flash stares up openly for his idol when the car is stopped.

You don't think Spider-Man will be out tonight.

After a while, you cross the Brooklyn Bridge. Flash hands the keys over to the valet of the restaurant and helps you out of the car. He makes a joke about how your shoes better be on, but you barely hear.

"Flash, really?"

"What?"

The entrance to the restaurant is beautiful, lit with warm-colored string lights and surrounded by luscious greenery. You recognize the name on the sign, hand-painted in green; your parents had come here for their 25th anniversary a while back.

"This place is really fucking expensive," you say, and suddenly become very aware of the fact that you hadn't brought your wallet.

"I like the side dishes here," he says, like the scalloped potatoes wouldn’t cost a normal person half a fridge of groceries.

"You're nuts."

Flash buttons the top two buttons of his plaid suit jacket and takes your hand. Your stomach flips. From nerves or guilt, you're not sure. It's probably both.

"Do you have a reservation?" Asks the Maître D' when you enter.

You're prepared to have to leave, figuring that a spot at a swanky place like this would need to be reserved months in advance, but Flash pulls out his license to show to the man.

"Yes we do. 6:30, under the name Eugene Thompson."

"This way then, Mr. Thompson."

Your table next to the window overlooks the East River. The dining room has already begun to fill with the dinner rush and the little band in the corner is playing a sweet-sounding song. The menu is astronomically expensive, but Flash urges you to get whatever you want. You settle for the cheapest chicken dish on the menu and take to watching the boats pass beneath the Brooklyn Bridge. Flash orders a meat and cheese plate to start, unsurprisingly, and arranges combinations on bread and crackers for you to try.

It's more fun than you ever expected it to be, honestly. You'd been prepared for Flash to be a bit much after having agreed to let him choose the date, but he's just trying to make sure you enjoy yourself. He makes jokes and laughs at your own. Refills your drink from the water flute before you've even noticed you've gotten low. Offers you a taste of his meal. You're distracted, Peter no longer at the forefront of your mind.

With Flash, it's easy.

"I'll be honest, Eugene," you start, teasingly, and giggle at Flash's fake-annoyed attempt to jokingly swat at the side of your head, "This is. . . This is really, really nice. My wig is sufficiently snatched."

He busts out laughing, earning a look from those at nearby tables. After a few moments, he quiets and takes to smiling down at his steak.

His smile softens into something a bit awkward, maybe somewhat unsure, when he says, “Can I ask you something?”

Your heart involuntarily skips a beat. When is that question ever a good sign? “I- uh, yeah. Sure. What’s up?”

“What’s up with you and Parker?”

When you meet Flash’s eye, he doesn’t appear accusatory. He doesn’t even seem upset. More than anything, you’d say he looks confused. You, however, can feel heat rising aggressively to your cheeks.

You feel guilty again.

“Peter? What do you mean?”

He rolls his eyes good-naturedly in response and sets down his fork. “Oh, come on now. You like him right? Since like, middle school.”

You know you’ve never really actively tried to hide it from anyone, but having it said aloud like that is jarring. It’s embarrassing. You wonder why Flash wants to talk about this, of all things, when your date had actually been going pretty darn well. But you decide to be honest, since fooling him is unrealistic.

“A while, yeah.”

“Then why are you on a date with me right now?” Flash questions.

“You. . . you asked me out?” You answer confusedly.

He passes a hand through his hair a bit agitatedly. You hope he isn’t annoyed with you, but you aren’t sure what he’s expecting you to say.

“I mean,” he clarifies, a laugh escaping his lips, “Why the hell aren’t you dating him? It’s been years already. Did you guys decide that you didn’t want to risk ruining your friendship? What’s up?”

It seems that your brain is exclusively capable of performing the sound of a record scratch on repeat. You have no idea how to respond to anything Flash has just said. None of it makes sense. Peter doesn’t like you. He never has. If Flash has paid enough attention to notice how much you like your best friend, surely he should have noticed that your affection is definitely not returned.

You don't want to think about it. You don't want a spark of hope, only for it to be stomped on. Today's events alone have been proof enough that Peter doesn't like you.

"Why did you ask me out if you knew I like Peter?" You question, staring down at your half-eaten chicken parmesan.

"Why did you agree if you like Peter?"

You can feel him looking at you. When you decide to meet his eye, you're scared to see the hurt that's in them.

It's not there.

"You were hoping to get over him, right?" Flash asks, half a smile on his face, "I was hoping you would, too."

He takes your hand for the first time since you entered the restaurant, and you realize that if anything, he maybe kind of gets it.

“Peter doesn’t have feelings for me,” you manage to say, after several long moments of silence have passed.

“Dude, Parker’s in love with you.”

Considering everything, the ride home isn't nearly as awkward as it could have been.

Flash parks a little ways down the street from your building. He doesn't get up to help you out of the car like he had before. You can't really hold that against him.

"Sorry about all this," you say, guilt still swirling low in your gut, after you've shut the passenger side door.

He side eyes you when he says, "Don't flatter yourself, honey, I'll get over it," and grins, "Go tell Parker that I will actually straight up call my lawyers if he fucks this up now that I've laid all this shit out for him."

With that, he waves his hand once and then pulls away from the curb.

Thanks Eugene, is the text you send him during the walk home.

He responds with selfie of him flipping off the camera, and things are just about as close to normal between you as you figure they can be, for now. It's with a laugh that you send one back, shoes once again clutched in your flipping-off hand as you knock on the door to your apartment and wait for your parents to let you in.

Peter opens the door.

Your smile freezes in its place and then falls. His gaze averts quickly to the floor, like he's just done something wrong. You aren't sure what to say to him. "You're still here," you settle on pointing out, eventually.

"How'd it go?" He asks, skipping over the part where he explains the fact that he's still in your apartment.

He looks very much like he doesn't want to hear the answer, but also like he's trying to sound enthusiastic for you. Your heart aches. It's been hours since you'd left, and he's been sitting here marinating in the fight. Meanwhile, while you were fine dining with a friend who turned out to be way better of a friend than you'd thought he was.

"We enjoyed ourselves," you admit.

"Oh," he responds, voice a bit shaky, "That's good. I mean- It's great. That's really great. I'm glad. I'm happy for you."

"Hey, Peter?"

"Yeah?"

Your throat wants to close when you look into his eyes, but you press on.

"Are you in love with me?"

". . .Yeah."

Despite the fact that you grasp the front of his shirt in your fist when you lean in to kiss him, it's neither hurried nor forceful. It's a response, and an assurance. You pull back enough to see his eyebrows knitted together in confusion, then kiss him a second time, just a peck.

He leans his forehead against yours, sighing in relief. The tension that he must have been holding in his body releases, and you feel his stance soften with your hand still against his chest.

"I should have told you," he murmurs, reaching up to cup your jaw.

You can't help but crack a smile. "Yeah, Pete. Flash had to tell me. On our date."

"That's so awkward."

You laugh. "You're tellin' me."

He leans away from you when he exclaims, suppressing his laughter, "Hey, you didn't tell me, either!"

"Oh my god, Peter," you gush, "Yes I did! Over a year ago!"

His smile falls like he's just had the air knocked out of him. "You what?"

"Oh my god," you repeat, shaking your head in disbelief, "oh my god."

Peter falls into a slew of apologies, but you're starting to laugh, and they start to die on his lips just ask quickly as they had begun to form. You pull him forward by his shirt once more and kiss him in the doorway, revelling in the ridiculousness of it all.

"I'm in love with you too," you sigh.

If his delighted smile weren't already enough, the kiss that follows more than makes up for it.

Tag list

@undiadeestos

#peter parker #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fanfic #peter parker fic #peter parker x reader #peter parkerxreader #peter parker reader insert #peter parker self insert #peter parker fluff #peter parker angst #spiderman fanfiction #spiderman fic #marvel fanfiction #flash thompson #flash thompson x reader

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y-ildthoughts · 4 years

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WHY R U? THE SERIES FULL REVIEW

So now that the series has come to an end, I feel like I should summarize my feelings about WHY R U? the series, because honestly there are a lot of them.

When I heard the initial premise, I was very excited, a series about the fantasy story of a BL fan girl! It seemed like an original idea with a lot of potential for different narratives. A new way for fan girls to be satisfied; seeing their imaginations played out on screen as part of the script, and not just as fan service or in a fan fiction.

When the cast was announced I'll be the first to admit I didn't know any of the other actors apart from Saint. However, the lure of Saint in another BL role was more than enough to persuade me to anticipate the series. His previous role in LBC was carried out superbly. In fact, I learnt that the accent he put used for that series (which annoyed me greatly as a viewer initially) was an artistic choice for that character specifically, which makes me respect him as an actor even more.

By the end of the first episode, I was left with some rather conflicting opinions. Nevertheless, I continued to watch, episode by episode and have finally come to some sort of conclusion. It's a rather messy and confusing thought process but hopefully you can bear with me.

At first, I was off put by the jumpy plot, the narrative follows the characters along at the pace of a fan fiction, with little to no filler to explain how characters go from to enemies to friends in a single leap. The argument I've heard raised against this is that it's -meant- to be like that. Which I can appreciate, and I applaud the writers for their work, but I also think there's a reason that rarely if ever books are directly translated to screen in that manner.

However, I will say that once the relationships between characters- mostly Saifah and Zon - had settled that this style of plot development bothered me less and less and instead I found myself egging on the romantic tropes the two encountered.

As I've said I previously hadn't encountered any of the other actors before but now that I've watched the whole series, I have to say that they put together a really great cast. It's actually also a rather large cast I think, so I'll try to mention the actors that really stood out for me, but I don't think I can write about everyone.

Starting with the main cast:

Tommy Sittichok Pueakpoolpol plays Zon, and although this was not his first professional work it is arguably his biggest project to date. I think he plays the character very well. There is a sudden change in his character from stubborn to endearing; but this comes with the change in equilibrium of his relationship with Saifah and is therefore understandable. Overall, I really enjoyed this character's journey and especially fell in love with his soft boi persona that he has adapted to by the end of the series.

For his first ever professional works Jimmy Karn Kritsanaphan did a really well to undertake such a big role as Saifah. That being said, the characters integrality within the plot was not reflected equally to his time on the screen. It could be due to the point of view that the series is shot from - predominantly Zon and Tutor's- that we don't get to see this character’s development in greater detail.

Zee Pruk Panich and Saint Suppapong Udomkaewkanjana play Fighter and Tutor respectively. I mention these two actors together because putting the more adult scenes aside, these two actors show such great chemistry and tension between their characters, there's a real push-and- pull between them which I think really draws you into their storyline. Also, I think they really deserve recognition for the "hard carry" they did of the series' last few episodes after the corona virus outbreak.

As is typical of Thai BL series due to their nature, I feel that female actresses in these series have to work especially hard to gain recognition for their roles beyond being hated for keeping a male couple apart. Refreshingly in this series Zol played by Perth Veerinsara Tangkitsuvanich has a rather neutral yet involved role in the narrative. She particularly shines in giving a comical and expressive performance whilst maintaining verisimilitude. The other stand out female actress from this series for me is Janistar Phomphadungcheep who plays Hwahwa, is obviously gorgeous, and part of her role is dependent on that. More than that though she executes Hwahwa's brand of "dumb" comedy hilariously well, so well in fact that she easily defies the typical reaction that a female love interest ensues.

And finally, without going into too much detail I also have to give special mentions to Nat Natasitt Uareksit who plays Blue, Poppy Ratchapong Anomakiti playing Junior and James Rusameekae Fagerlund as Kae. Throughout the series these three actors all had what have to be considered scene stealing moments.

Maybe it's just me but all I found myself wanting to do was to protect Blue from his older love interests, as his sweet demeanour is revealed. Junior's "waterfall" moment upon seeing the engineer gang in the cafeteria in episode one really set the president for his comedic moments throughout the series, as rare as they were. P'Kae is the boss we all wish we had, and his protective streak when it comes to Tutor has definitely earned him a place as a fan favourite from the series.

One of the biggest talking points of the series has got to be its method of shooting and how that has affected the entire production. The production was shot live, meaning that each episode was shot and edited before it was released for broadcast each week, with the exception of some scenes. To shoot live requires quite the commitment from both cast and crew, it's also an incredibly risky method of shooting as any number of unforeseen circumstances can occur and interrupt shooting which has a direct effect on the entire production. Hence why live shooting is less common nowadays. However, the team definitely deserves credit for this decision as without the corona virus outbreak I think that this method would have benefitted the production overall.

That being said unfortunately the outbreak has forced many productions to shut down, and of course this has negatively affected the production of this series too, possibly more so than others that are in production stages currently. As such more casual fans of the series that may be unaware of the situation, and therefore not understand the reasoning behind the shift of focus from around episode eight and nine when the virus began to affect production. When in actuality the team should really be applauded for managing to still broadcast such coherent episodes under the circumstances.

Is it a perfect ending to the series; with a broad oversight of each character, couple and relationship that the viewer may desire? No, I would regretfully say that it doesn't manage to reach these criteria, but it makes a damn good effort to try, and this valiant effort is spearheaded by what should be categorized as a FighTor fan's dream. Endless scenes of the two characters exploring the more intimate side of their relationship. Which is actually a rather fitting filler for the series considering it is meant to be a fan girl dream story. So without these scenes I'm not sure that the series stands up with the storyline as it is. However, this doesn't and shouldn't distract at all from the stellar acting performances that we've seen from this series.

So, congratulations if you've managed to make it this far and read the whole review, my thoughts on the series were decipherable enough through the review, I hope.

#why r u the series #why r u fighter #why r u tutor #why r u saifah #why r u zon #saintzee #fightor

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demonsonthemoon · 5 years

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Despite The Odds (We Keep On Breathing)

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe Pairings: Sam/Bucky (platonic, there’s kissing though) Word Count: 3793 Summary: Sam didn't really know why Bucky stayed with him, after. Turned out he was pretty okay when he wasn't brainwashed and hellbent on killing him. Turned out Sam trusted him. Turned out maybe they could help each other. Note: This was written for Aggressively Arospec Week 2019. Basically I wanted to explore what trauma can mean for your sense of self/how you identify. I'm not in any way a specialist on anything relating to mental health, so take this with a pinch of salt I guess. Also it's my first time writing from Sam's POV! Woop! Featuring caedromantic!Bucky

Also available on AO3.

Sam didn't really know why Bucky stayed with him, after.

Maybe he thought that making sarcastic remarks at each other for months on end because they might be on the run together but they didn't have to like it was a form of bonding.

Maybe he thought they could help each other through the shared trauma of being left behind by their best friend right after having been brought back to life.

Maybe he didn't have anywhere else to go.

Maybe he didn't have anyone else to be other than Captain America's shadow.

Whatever the reason, the fact of the matter was that Bucky Barnes was following him around a whole lot. And, at this point, Sam felt like it was probably too late to ask why.

The thing was, it wasn't bad. Taking up the mantle/shield of Captain America meant that his life was on the line even more often than it used to be, and having someone watching out for him was invaluable. And the fact that it was Bucky Barnes doing the watching... Well, it turned out that that wasn't so bad either. Turned out the guy was pretty okay when he wasn't brainwashed and hellbent on killing him.

Sam didn't know everything that had happened to him, but he knew enough. And he knew it was a lot. And despite all of that, Bucky had turned into a mostly quiet man, one who got too sarcastic when he was either in a great or a terrible mood. He had been used as a weapon and killed dozens of people, and know he had a small smile he reserved for flowers peeking through concrete and dogs who tried to sniff him. It seemed to Sam that something had settled into him during his time in Wakanda. It was a fragile equilibrium, he knew that. That's always what it was. But he also thought it was probably much more than Bucky had let himself hope for.

Maybe Sam was projecting onto Bucky a little bit. Or maybe a lot. Sam was an adult, he could admit it to himself. Inhale, exhale, there you go. He was glad that Bucky was there with him. Because his own equilibrium was not so much fragile as holding on through duct tape and prayers. It was just... superheroing was lonely work. It didn't come with an adjustment period, and it was definitely not the kind of job where you could call in sick on bad mental health days. Sam wasn't living the kind of life where he had time to mourn. He also wasn't living the kind of life that could help him forget.

So, yeah. He was glad Bucky was there with him. He was glad someone was there to remember. Even when the guy was being an asshole.

“For fuck's sake! I told you to stop doing that!” Sam groaned, pushing aside the man he had just punched in the face and stepping over the one who had been shot by a bullet which had flown exactly a handspan away from Sam's cheek.

“I told you not to move,” Bucky said over their comm system, sounding totally unrepentant.

“Yeah, while a guy was trying to kick my knee in. It's not like I had much of a choice.”

He kept moving as he talked, shield held up in front of him in case of gunfire. There was always gunfire. Except when it was magic. Sam much prefered the gunfire to magic.

He kept moving, knocking a few more people unconscious and shooting one in the leg. It wasn't because he had picked up Steve's shield that he had to pick up his stupid habit of never carrying a gun.

He had finally reached the room where hostages were being held, and from what he could hear, the people inside had noticed something was wrong. That wasn't good. It meant they would be prepared for him, which usually meant a lot of gunfire.

“Gonna need some help here,” Sam said into his comms, voice low.

“You always do,” came Bucky's reply. Sam rolled his eyes. He had no idea why Bucky was in such a good mood when they were fighting terrorists. The guy was weird.

He also hadn't given him any information on what form his backup would take, but the sound of a window breaking was as good a sign as any that Sam should kick in the door and punch anything that looked like it wanted to kill him.

By the time he went to untie the hostages, his hands were shaking from the adrenaline. He could feel a dozen bruises starting to form all over his body, but right now the pain was an easily ignored buzz. He did his best to smile in a non-threatening way and reassure everyone that they were safe.

As usual, Bucky hung back for this part. By now, most civilians recognized Sam's uniform immediately, although there had been a transition period where a lot of people had awkward questions about Captain America turning black and sprouting wings. But Bucky was much less of a public figure, and his dark-coloured tac gear didn't exactly made him inviting. That, and Bucky was always on high alert after a fight. There was a stillness to him that was all concentration and held-back power. Sam used to be afraid of it too, so he knew what those civilians were feeling. Although, nowadays, he had to admit it was one of the few things that made him feel safe.

Going on missions together all across the world meant staying in hotels with very thin walls, and Bucky had a supersoldier's hearing, so it really was no surprise to hear a knock on the door after Sam had woken up from a nightmare that had launched him right into a panic attack.

“You can come in,” Sam struggled to say over his ragged breathing. Fuck, he hated nightmares. He nearly never got panic attacks during the day anymore, knew a dozen tricks to force himself to relax before they fully developed. But his sleeping self never remembered any of them, not when he was faced with conflated images of Steve stepping back in time and Riley falling from the sky and himself always helpless and left behind.

Bucky stepped into the room. The cold efficiency of his fighting mode – Sam did his best not to call it the Winter Soldier mode, not even jokingly – had disappeared. Instead, Sam was faced by a man in a soft white shirt and sweatpants, mussed hair falling over his face. The first time this had happened he had held himself small, light on his feet. Ready to bolt, but still making the effort to offer his help. Sam had been more touched by that than he had ever been able to express.

That night he was less tense. He knew this was allowed now. He knew this was welcome. Needed, maybe, though Sam had yet to admit that.

“Do you want to talk?” Bucky asked softly. “Or should I just keep watch?”

Sam didn't like being alone after nightmares. It didn't help that the new ones had abandonment trauma spelled out all over them. Sometimes just having Bucky stay in the room was enough for him to fall back asleep, knowing he wasn't alone, knowing he was safe. Bucky didn't sleep a lot. Didn't need to.

“Have to calm down first,” Sam replied. His breathing was beginning to deepen, a little, but it still wasn't comfortable. He could feel a headache starting. Panic attacks were the worst, because they made him even more tired than he already was from lack of sleep. Fuck.

Bucky pulled the chair out from under the desk in a corner of the room and sat down. It should have been weird, Sam sitting in bed, knees drawn up, head resting on his crossed arms, struggling to breathe, and Bucky watching him. But there was no judgment in Bucky's gaze. No pity, no overbearing concern. Just a quiet acknowledgment of Sam's presence and of his struggle, and Sam didn't know how he had managed without it all this time.

Slowly, Sam got his breathing back under control. He could still feel his heart beating fast and his head pounding in the same rhythm. He looked up.

Bucky was still there, watching him with the same soft and neutral expression. Sam felt something twist in his chest.

“You'd figured it out, hadn't you?” he let out, too tired to filter his thoughts.

Bucky twitched slightly, which was his equivalent of jumping in surprise, Sam figured. He probably hadn't expected the accusatory tone in Sam's voice. The accusation wasn't directed at him though. Not at all.

Sam ran a hand across his face. He'd started this, and he needed to see it through. Seeing from his nightmares, this unresolved business wasn't going to let go of him any time soon if he kept ignoring it.

“When Steve...” he hated the way his voice still caught on the name. Like he had died a death too horrible to speak of. (Like Riley.) But he hadn't. He had made his choice. He had lived his life. A good one. (Maybe better for them not being in it.) “... left. When he left, you said... You said 'I'll miss you.'”

Bucky's face was still neutral, but it had lost some of its softness.

“He was supposed to be gone for seconds. Only seconds. And when he came back... You weren't surprised, were you?”

Bucky turned his head to the side. His hair partly hid him from Sam's view. Bucky didn't let himself show negative emotions.

“Fuck, Bucky, I'm sorry, I didn't...” Sam hesitated before pushing his duvet to the side and moving forward so he could sit on the edge of the bed, facing the other man.

Bucky always asked him what he needed, but Sam had never offered the same. Bucky always looked like he would refuse. Now Sam hesitated, wanting to reach out a hand and not daring to. Staying within arm's length was his best bet, giving Bucky the opportunity to cross the gap if he wanted to.

The other man took a deep breath and turned back towards him. “Nothing to apologize for,” he said, voice flat. “You didn't do anything.

“Yeah, but I shouldn't have...” Sam started. Shouldn't have what? Hadn't he admitted just a minute ago that he needed to stop repressing all this? “Shouldn't have said it like that.”

Bucky shrugged. “You weren't wrong.”

His shoulders were hunched forward, a habit Bucky had caught to make himself look smaller, less threatening. It made him lean slightly into Sam's space. Sam tried not to read anything into that, but he had hopes.

“I... suspected. I didn't want to be right, but well.” He looked up into Sam's eyes. His gaze was intense. Focused. Dangerous.

It was the gaze of a hurt animal waiting for its chance to run.

“He wasn't the same anymore.”

There's so much that's left unsaid behind those words. How they're not the same either. How Steve hadn't been the Brooklyn kid Bucky remembered in a long time. How much it hurt that despite all of their effort none of them could go back to the way things used to be.

Steve had gone back in time, sure, but it had just been to a different future. Sam wondered, a bit cruelly, if he'd ever missed the past that Sam and Bucky had become to him.

“You should sleep,” Sam said. He stood up and put a hand forward, waiting for Bucky to carefully take it before he pulled him to his feet. Bucky didn't hesitate when Sam tugged him towards his own bed.

Sam didn't let himself think about it long enough to hesitate either.

When he woke up, Sam found Bucky's arm flung across his waist and one of his legs tangled in between Sam's. When he turned his head, Bucky's eyes were still closed, although Sam felt him move just the tiniest bit, as if trying not to let it show that he was already awake.

Sam found he was okay with that. If it meant they could stay like this a while longer, he was fine with letting Bucky pretend as long as he wanted to.

It was human, after all. Most people needed physical contact, preferably some that didn't come from punches and chokeholds.

Sam was only human himself. He felt warmth spread through his body and tension fade away as he let himself melt back into a half-doze.

He knew he and Bucky trusted each other. They had to, to fight together like they did. They had to, if Bucky was going to stand watch over Sam on the days he got nightmares. But this felt like another sort of trust. This was skin on skin, but without the sweat and the blood. Vulnerability without open wounds.

This felt too damn good, and for once Sam could tell himself he wanted it enough not to listen to the voice saying it was something he didn't deserve.

So, after a minute, he opened his eyes and said “Good morning.”

Bucky opened his eyes as well, looking back at him. “Good morning.” He immediately started untangling his legs from Sam's. The movement had a controlled languor to it. It was trying too hard not to draw attention to itself.

Sam caught Bucky's right hand between his, and brought it to his lips. “Don't,” he whispered against the fingers.

Bucky froze at that. Sam had gotten pretty good at reacting quickly, what with all the getting shot at he was doing this day, so it only took that half second for panic to settle throughout his body and for him to let go of his grip.

But Bucky didn't move away. He didn't punch Sam in the face nor broke his wrist, which was a relief. Instead, he drew in a breath, and then carefully ran his thumb along the length of Sam's lower lip.

That was... a thing. A thing that... did things. To Sam.

In that moment, he realized how long it had been since he'd dated anyone or even had a casual hook-up. The constant traveling and self-endangerment that formed the core of superheroing weren't conclusive to long-term relationships, and the chance to be recognized in a club and either kidnapped or assaulted by fans was high enough to make him stay away from them.

But right then, someone was touching his lips, and that someone was safe. That someone knew who he was, knew a big part of what he'd gone through, had gone through worse, and was still here and touching him like he was a tiny bird about to fly away.

Sam opened his mouth. Bucky did the same thing, surprise on his face, his finger still resting against Sam's lip.

Sam's entire body was one tense line, thrumming with too many emotions at once. The one that ended up resonating the loudest was very simple.

He didn't want this moment to leave him behind.

Sam would have very dramatically smashed his mouth against Bucky's if he could have, but the fact that they were both still lying on their side made the manoeuvring a little more difficult than that. In the end, they met in a soft press of lips that seemed to surprise Bucky even has he leaned forward to welcome it. His hand settled carefully on the back of Sam's neck.

Sam closed his eyes.

If he'd been asked, Sam wouldn't have thought kissing Bucky Barnes would be this way. Not that he had ever considered it. … Or at least not seriously.

But this was nice, if unexpected. Slow and careful movements, warm with the edge of sleep, too soft for Sam to hold back a sigh.

Bucky pulled away first. Then Sam opened his eyes once more.

He didn't know what he had expected the look on Bucky's face to be, but this wasn't it. This was much too neutral to his taste.

“I'm sorry,” Bucky said.

Those words were enough to make cold run through Sam's body, extinguishing everything else he'd been feeling until then. How could Bucky have misunderstood the situation enough to be apologizing to Sam?

“You've got nothing to be sorry for,” he replied, imitating the other man and sitting up. There was now a gap between the two of them, some sort of security distance that Sam felt like a tear in his own chest. Fuck, he hadn't known how badly he had been craving this kind of contact.

Bucky pulled up his knees and wrapped his arms around it. His face wasn't as much neutral anymore as tired. The kind of exhaustion that went much beyond the physical. After all, he didn't need much sleep anymore.

“I can't do this,” Bucky said, looking away.

Sam concentrated on taking long and deep breaths. He couldn't panic now. He had maybe fucked things up with the only person he trusted, he couldn't afford to panic. This wasn't about him, and he was not going to make things worse.

“What? What can't you do?”

“I don't know. Relationships. Stuff. Flirting. Fucking. Anything. I can't do anything, I just...”

“Hey,” Sam started, trying to find that perfect balance between forceful and soft. He waited for Bucky to look up before he continued. “Don't say you can't do anything. You save my life on a weekly basis, that has to be worth something.”

He had hoped for a weak chuckle from that, would have settled for a sigh, but was only met with silence. Tough crowd. Sam had had some of those before.

“Why do you mean when you say you can't do those things? That you're not allowed or that you're not able to? Or something else?”

“I don't know. It doesn't feel the same way. I don't want it the same way. I don't want it.”

Another jolt of pure cold. Bucky hadn't wanted it.

Despite everything Sam told himself about needing not to panic, something must have shown in his eyes. Sam actually felt pretty good that his poker face wasn't yet good enough to hide the horror he felt at having been well on his way to raping someone.

“Fuck, no. I didn't mean it like that. I did want that. I liked it. You must have felt that I liked it, right?”

“It's not that easy, man. Sometimes you're put in a situation, and the way your body reacts doesn't have anything to do with how you actually feel about it.”

“It wasn't like that! Fuck, sweetheart, it wasn't like that, I swear...”

Sam was feeling very confused right then. Also, relieved. But mostly confused, because Bucky had called him sweetheart before but only through at least five layers of irony. Never so... earnestly. And that had felt a lot like flirting. Which Sam was not going to think about because it was very inappropriate even if he probably hadn't physically violated his superheroing partner.

“Okay, good,” Sam replied, holding up his hands to show he believed Bucky. They were still sitting side by side on a bed. For some reason this made the conversation seem even weirder than it was. “That's good. What did you mean by not wanting it then?”

Bucky ran a hand through his hair. “It's weird. It's just... it's messed up. I'm messed up. I used to... I used to flirt with people all the time. I liked that. You feel that spark of attraction and you fan it, or something. It felt good. But I don't feel that anymore.”

“That's no reason to feel like you're messed up, you know. Loads of people don't like flirting or don't want to date. And kissing...” There Sam floundered a little, embarrassed. “Kissing doesn't have to be about sex. Sometimes you just need to touch someone. Sometimes it just feels nice.”

Bucky shook his head. “But I used to like it,” he insisted. There was something almost childish to his voice. Or maybe not childish. Maybe it was just innocent.

“I'm supposed to be... I know that's not how it works, but I'm supposed to be... fixed. Why can't I just...”

Bucky closed the fist of his prosthetic arm tightly. With his other hand, he covered half of his face. That was Bucky for you. Always showing you calm and control, despite the blizzard that must constantly be raging inside him.

“Hey,” Sam said softly. “Can I touch you?” He waited until Bucky nodded before slowly unfolding his prosthetic hand and sliding their fingers together. “You're right. That's not how it works. You went through a shitload of trauma, man. And the mental programming T'Challa's people took out of you was only the tip of the iceberg, right? But that's nothing to be ashamed of. Being a different person now than you were in the past is not something that has to be fixed. It's how humans work.”

“It was... It was so much easier to get better when I knew what I was supposed to be aiming for. When I was just gathering memories, trying to be someone...”

To be someone Steve knew, was the sentence Sam guessed hung between them. But Steve didn't need Bucky to be his old self anymore. Steve had enough memories to fill twice what Bucky had ever lost.

Steve had never managed to forget Peggy. Would Sam and Bucky ever forget him?

“Your past self isn't necessarily better, you know? I didn't know him, but I know you now. And I would say you're a pretty okay guy.”

Sam actually earned his chuckle this time, and he squeezed Bucky's hand in response.

“What you want or don't want... It's a big deal to some people. I get that. But it doesn't have to be. And sometime it changes. And that's okay. Sometimes it changes because of stuff that happens to you. And sometimes the stuff isn't okay. But the change is. Sometimes things change back to the way they were and sometimes they don't. There's no telling whether one or the other is any kind of recovery. And all of this doesn't have to be anything you define yourself by. But it can.”

Bucky sighed, letting himself fall back against the bed's headboard. “I guess I'm lucky the new Captain America has a degree in psychology.”

Sam let out a quick laugh. “Nah. This isn't anything I learned in class. You're just lucky I care about you.”

“Yeah, actually. I am.”

Bucky squeezed his hand, ever so softly, with fingers that could tear a door off its hinges in a second, and Sam thought:

I am too.

#AggressivelyArospecWeek #Meeni writes fics #Winterfalcon #Bucky Barnes #Sam Wilson

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yeonchi · 6 years

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Dub Logistics Part 29: Toxicity and Hypocrisy (Retirement Speech Part 1)

“I may have been a toxic hypocrite, but at least I know who and what I’ve been fighting for.”

I’ve said more than enough about my trolls, haters and naysayers over the years; this time around, I’m going to be talking about myself and the roles I played in the past through my English dub rants.

At the start of this year, I announced my intentions to end the Dub Logistics series and my English dub rant posts with it. Among my reasons, I explained that last year’s feud has contributed to my decision, but it wasn’t the main or only factor. Much as I hate to admit it, the events and aftermath of the feud have affected me more than what I’ve stated; I was understating the effects of the feud in my recounts because I never let my haters dictate my life or what I do with it, whether it be online or in real life. That was true then and this is still true now.

Reeling back from the feud has made me think about how toxic I may have been over the years, particularly while responding to the comments and addressing the hypocrisies of dub haters and opinion-neutrals. More recently, however, I’ve come to realise that my ever-changing views may have made me look like a hypocrite, if anyone hasn’t called me out as such already.

In this special instalment of Dub Logistics, I’ll be reflecting on my toxic hypocrisy and hopefully, setting the record straight for people who may have the wrong idea about me, particularly those who have heard about me from the biased perspectives of my haters and naysayers. It’s going to be long, so you’ll have to bear with me here.

The main point that I realised about my hypocrisy is that I am totally fine with reading subtitles when my rants make me look like I don’t like or want to read subtitles at all. This is a common assumption that many non-dub fans make about dub fans without considering some of the deeper reasoning behind their decision. In actuality, I’ve had my fair share with both dubs and subs myself, so to set the record straight, I’m going to be stating a few anecdotes relating to my experience with subtitles and dubbing, along with my experiences of video games, particularly the Koei Warriors game series. In case you didn’t know already, “Azuma Yeonchi” is a persona I use online, I am from Melbourne, Australia and my family is from Hong Kong. You’ll see how this is relevant as you read on.

In Australia, television stations are required by law to provide closed captioning on their programs, which isn’t really a surprise. We also have a public broadcasting network known as SBS (Special Broadcasting Service) that specialises in multilingual and multicultural programming. In addition to programmes from Australia, the US and the UK, they have also broadcast imported programs from other countries with their own English subtitles. Admittedly, they haven’t been doing this as much as they used to, however I sometimes watch the Japanese game show VS Arashi if it’s on.

In Hong Kong, many programs on TVB’s channels are broadcast with Chinese, while some programmes are additionally broadcast with the option to switch to English subtitles. A lot of non-locally produced programs are dubbed and broadcast with dual audio options, namely Cantonese and whatever language the program was originally made in. In a sense, Hongkongers and by extension, other Chinese people (not to make a political statement) can’t get away from subtitles in their media. Likewise, gamers can’t get away without reading the text and/or subtitles in games, Japanese or not.

I’ve played Koei Warriors games, mostly Dynasty Warriors, on the PSP, PS2 and the PC with English and Japanese voices along with English, Japanese and Chinese subtitles. Hearing that WO3U and SW4 wouldn’t be dubbed (despite the 18-month gap since WO3) inspired me to start the Koei Warriors Rant Series in 2014, but when I discovered that Koei Tecmo had cheapened out on the dubs for Dynasty Warriors 9 (among other things, but granted, it wasn’t entirely their fault given the voice actor strike), all hope I had for them was gone and I decided to stop following them on social media for good. This, combined with other commitments and interests that popped up, have led me to lose interest in video games, including the Koei Warriors series.

I’ve watched a few dubbed and subbed animes, but in 2014, I stopped following new animes, again because of other commitments and interests, but also because of the flagrant (female-centric) sexism I noticed in recent anime works. The only reason why I’m still posting on my Facebook anime pages and the Yui Hirasawa Waifu Network nowadays is out of gratitude because some series have served as inspirations for my personal projects.

The void left by video games and anime was filled by Japanese tokusatsu, which I have started getting into in the past few years. Honestly, I prefer watching live-action works, including tokusatsu, with subtitles since it’s pretty much the only way to watch them. I’ve also been watching some episodes raw (without subtitles) right after they’ve premiered in Japan; I’ve come to loosely understand the plot and dialogue thanks to years of contact with the Japanese language and vice versa. I have watched Power Rangers in the past as a gateway into the world of tokusatsu, but to me, it doesn’t exactly fit under the English dubbed category as it is rather an adaptation, mixing dubbed fight scenes with original footage. I still sometimes watch clips for comparison purposes.

If you’re still hating on me without having read everything up to here, or if you’ve read all this and you still consider me a hypocrite, then congratulations for missing the entire point of my argument. If you’ve supported my views and opinions in the past and you consider me a hypocrite now, then maybe you should have a think about whether you have really supported me at all.

Contrary to what some people may have assumed, I never did all this for myself alone. I can adapt my views and opinions to be fair to everyone because I can understand why some fans have their own preferences for dub or sub. Aside from my fans, it is rare to find people in the same boat as myself because the haters and naysayers I’ve encountered are ignorant, short-sighted or just unable to understand the bigger picture behind things.

Given my position towards subtitles and dubbing, it was never my intention to derail the dub-sub debate and demonise dub fans. From the very beginning, I had high hopes and good intentions for my English dub rants and the fanbases involved or mentioned, but in most cases, I’ve either come short or had the opposite effect to what I wanted.

It has been difficult to talk some sense into the haters and naysayers because aside from being ignorant, many of them have been toxic to me or other dub fans as well. Therefore, the only way I was able to do that was by being toxic back at them. I’m not saying that any of these attempts backfired on me, but most of the time, those people just don’t seem to listen because they are unable to listen to the opinions of others without being offended themselves.

It was in that vein that my warped sense of self-justice led me to name-and-shame dub haters by screenshotting their comments and reposting them. This started following the announcement of DW8E being localised without English voices, after it was erroneously announced that it would be localised with dual audio. This practice spread to the #NoDubNoBuy page (now English Dubbed Game News) and it wasn’t until late last year that I realised that it was going against the spirit I wanted to create for the page, so I deleted the name-and-shame album after I ended the feud.

Looking back, I think the events of the feud brought out the worst in me and the other party behind it. During the initial debate, I tried to convince him and his fake sock-puppet accounts that he was missing the point about dubbing and localisation, but he later claimed to his fans/white knights (in an act of virtue-signalling) that I ignored his points completely when that was not entirely the case. And let’s not forget that time when he spread that hoax about that one game under the name of a fake company. Even though the hoax became true in the end (as he claimed), it didn’t excuse his actions on social media.

The turning point for the feud, I believe, was when I did the parodies of iDubbbz’s Content Cop and Content Deputy in an effort to expose him as a lolcow. This was an escalation on my part, and he retaliated by pettily editing the Sea Princesses Wiki and reporting my posts on him along with other unrelated posts (I’ll go into this in the 2018 review post in late December), leading me to be postblocked on Facebook three times. Yes, I effectively copied someone else’s criticism format (while missing the point of it as well) in the hope that it would start a witchhunt, but in the end, I think we both got off lucky since not a lot of people read the posts and nothing major happened as a result.

While I have long moved on from the feud, I must admit that I still feel some guilt over my part in it a year on. The only way that I’ve been coping with it is to convince myself that while I may not always be right, wrong or perfect, nobody else is either and that I should not let this hater affect me any more than he already did (and I never have). As far as I care or know, the feud is over, the page where the debate started was deleted (which was ironically karmic to see) and we have both moved on to other endeavours (though like Keemstar or RiceGum, I doubt that he really learned anything from this).

When we ended the feud, we agreed that while we would never mention each other by name again, we would be allowed to maintain our own views and opinions on it and that any posts that have not been taken down or deleted already will be kept up or deleted at our own discretions. This applies to my Content Cop and Content Deputy posts as well, because I want him to remember that he is not immune from criticism regardless of what he thinks.

There was another feud I had with the Undub page, but it was never really a feud with the page directly; it was more like the childish prattling of their ignorant fans/white knights who associated English dubbing and its fans to politics, political correctness and SJWs, which were totally irrelevant to the topic. When the Undub page first noticed us, they accused us of copying their posts, which in reflection, I believe is bullshit because of reasons which I outlined in a post at the start of the year. However, they came to accept us at the start of 2018, particularly following the rebranding of the #NoDubNoBuy page to English Dubbed Game News.

Speaking of SJWs, I’ve never considered myself to be one of them, but after reflecting on everything that has happened, I came to realise that I was no better than an SJW in denial. In regards to other political references, I’ve been called a “nationalist”, a “Trump supporter”, or even an “alt-right” when I don’t identify with those groups. These are merely buzzwords that people learn from the news and on the internet to insult people they don’t like, but then again, I’ve called dub haters and opinion-neutrals “cucks” twice this year. But hey, why don’t we go out with a bang by forcing a meme to associate people with!

You know how opinion-neutrals always tell dub fans that they are entitled and that they should be grateful to the producers for localising the games in the first place (among other things)? Yeah, in my opinion, these are the traits of an NPC and if you think that’s dehumanising, then you have missed the point behind my argument and you are part of the problem. Even if you try to deny that you’re being like an NPC, then you’re just making up excuses to defend the publisher’s decisions or not participate in civilised debate (like a cuck).

I have unironically advocated suicide to some parties in some of my older rants. I understand that suicide is a problem and wishing harm on others is wrong, but I just can’t respect people who make no effort to understand why people think the way they think. Luckily though, I decided to stop doing that at the start of 2018 following the Logan Paul suicide forest incident because regardless of how much respect I have for people, I wouldn’t want someone like Logan Paul laughing at your corpse either.

If you have ever thought anything negative of me because of my posts and rants, you are part of the problem as well. I’m not going to apologise to the haters and naysayers (or their white knights) I may have offended because I think it will only validate their flawed opinions or vitriolic insults. The onus is on them to enlighten themselves and learn that there are people who disagree with themselves or the status quo. Luckily however, I’m going to be nice and give you a few tips about how to do that, which I will cover in the next and final instalment. Our negative criticism should be directed at the gaming companies for letting their fans turn against each other instead of fuelling the fire ourselves. If you’re looking for an apology (or maybe even forgiveness), then the best thing to do is to forget about me and move on, knowing that I will do the same for you as well.

In Part 22 of Dub Logistics, I used this quote from The Dark Knight to refer to gaming companies in general - “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Portions of the past few years have been downward spirals for me and in thinking about everything I’ve done during that time, I must admit that this quote is starting to apply to me as well, though I wish my haters and naysayers (and maybe their white knights as well) could feel the same way about themselves. Aside from that, this is my way of atoning for all the drama I’ve caused and leaving with my head held high in the knowledge that my fans will remember me for my efforts.

If you have heard about me from the negative opinions of others, then I recommend that you take their words with a few grains of salt and see for yourself how I have been trying to help Japanese anime and video game fanbases get over such a trivial and prolonged problem. If you then find yourself agreeing with those negative people, then you should realise that you are becoming part of the problem. Or, like I said, you could just let go of your animosity towards me, because I’m a busy person myself and I don’t want to have to deal with anyone’s bullshit, let alone be the target of a petty witchhunt.

This was a particularly deep instalment for me to write, but I’m kind of glad that it’s nearly over. The second part of my retirement speech will be in the next and final instalment of Dub Logistics.

#dub logistics #english dub

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silvcrsickle-blog · 6 years

Text

”peppermint coffee, fresh parchment, the air after a summer storm, the fiery color of a sunset, the music of abba, bellbottom jeans, freshly sharpened quills, freckles, spiked tea, dancing in an empty flat, laughing until your stomach hurts“ – ( charlotte spencer, twenty-one, cisfemale, she/her. ) lily potter (née evans)? yes, i have more information about them. the twenty-one year old muggleborn used to attend hogwarts as a gryffindor. nowadays, they’re unemployed (though before going into hiding with their husband and son, they had just finished training to become a healer at st. mungo’s), and are currently an order of the phoenix member. from what i’ve heard, they can be quite optimistic and sarcastic, but also insecure and headstrong. from their records, i can also see that their best subject at school was potions. ( dani, 25, she/her, est. ) – CANON

GENERAL

lily is the second daughter of two absolute hippies, rose and edwin potter.

her older sister is named petunia and no one hates lily the way petunia claims to. petunia is married to vernon dursley who lily, rose, and edwin all dislike immensely. the last time lily spoke to her sister was at petunia’s wedding.

lily hates to admit it and usually won’t to anyone other than sirius, but she misses her sister. when they were young, she and petunia were thick as thieves and she misses that relationship. she sees marlene with her sister helene and even though marlene is her sister - it’s not the same.

do you know who else she misses. severus. lily isn’t good at cutting people out of her life for good, even if she really, really should. after finding out severus was the one who told dumbledore about the planned attack on the potters, lily has been agonizing about whether or not she should reach out to him, to try and reconnect. he must have changed, right? RIGHT? don’t let her do it marlene he’s still the worst he didn’t even care if james or harry still die

so everyone knows the story of james and lily potter, right. mostly. what a lot of people don’t know is that lily definitely called off her wedding when her parents were killed two months before she was supposed to walk down the aisle. they were killed because they were muggles, because they’d had a daughter who was a witch, because their magical daughter had a big mouth and caused trouble. lily locked herself in their empty house in her old bedroom after the funeral and only let james in long enough to call off the wedding. she didn’t speak to anyone for a week, not even marlene or mary. sirius was the one to finally force himself into the room and talk some sense into her

remus walked her down the aisle. cry about it. i do.

lily is a mum and sure everyone thinks it’s adorable and of course she loves her harry with every fiber of her five foot four inch tall being but before harry was born lily was pretty sure she had no interest in being a mum. she was scared she’d be bad at it, scared to raise a kid in the middle of a war. when she found out she was pregnant, she told marlene before anyone else and she didn’t so much tell her as she panic screamed it in her direction.

she loves ABBA and other similar music, and she loves to have dance parties. now that she lives in order headquarters, the entirety of the order is privy to her insanity but she doesn’t care. she loves muggle music and she will force anyone who stands still long enough to listen to it and to dance with her.

she never used to be a morning person. she doesn’t particularly enjoy getting out of her very warm and very comfortable bed any time before ten. prior to going into hiding, however, life did’t work that way. especially not as she had a boss who regularly got to work earlier than he was scheduled. now, with nothing to claim her time, she finds she still wakes up earlier than she’d ever liked. she lays in bed for a while until she can hear harry fussing, using that as an excuse to actually leave bed.

she doesn’t like to fly. she can, more or less, but she doesn’t like it. and by can I mean she can manage to get from point a to point b without falling to the ground and breaking her neck. she never managed the easy grace on a broom that others have. she always feels like she is giant and awkward and that little piece of wood can’t possibly support her.

lily always wanted a cat. since she was a kid and was told she wasn’t allowed because petunia was allergic, she has wanted a cat of her very own. prior to her marriage, she was constantly in the process of trying to convince james (and sirius) to let her have one. when she finally got a cat, it was sirius’ wedding gift to her because it would be good practice for when she and james gave him a nephew.

lily hates being in hiding. had she not been married, certainly had she not been a mother, she would never have agreed to it. only harry convinced her to say yes. the idea of leaving her friends alone to fight infuriates and terrifies her. she hates that james isn’t there to watch sirius’ back, that sirius and remus can’t see Harry regularly, that marlene and mary are out there risking their necks and she can’t do a damn thing to help them.

STATS

alignment: neutral good.

amortentia: library books, summer wind, and james potter.

mbti: enfj, the protaganist.

patronus: doe.

soul type: caregiver/leader.

wand: 10¼", willow, unicorn tail hair core, swishy.

zodiac sign: aquarius

birthday: 30 january1960.

boggart: her friends turning their backs on her.

#incalescent:intro #( development | lily potter. )

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tillerman1 · 3 years

Text

TORMENT [to the word] (pt.1)

TORMENT

A screenplay by Ingmar Bergman

translated by Thomas Jester to the word

TORMENT: A knife on an abscess

The summer after my matriculation low me ill and suddenly advent TORMENT. It was for finished in one yield over an old "Latin writing exercise" that each started at one end, all events just came, it was like a compulsion. When I the writing complete read me through everything, knew me relieved and buried this first, only and as I hoped closing read procreation in an old dresser drawer's roomy darkness.

How then TORMENT stack upward again from of oblivion, taken up, reviewed, made till screenplay and finally till film are admittedly a remarkable but though completely alternative history.

For this film's part entertained I three hopes and I am happy over to get talk about them.

1.) I desired that TORMENT became a knife on an abscess, that it had something liberating to come with simultaneously as I hope that the spectator might find it worth the entrance ticket.

2.) I desired that Caligula might become revealed, purged, disarmed. There are namely many sorts Caligulas, major and minor, rather harmless varieties or sickening monster, apparent or insidious. But on one thing feels Caligula always again. He creates hatred, pungency, destruction among humans. He is foreign for all joint community, lacking contact opportunities and natural sympathy.

3.) I desired that man might feel compassion with Caligula, as he none himself is the cause of his situation. He is as poison snake, bacterium, the extinguished harmful who by no means himself understands the evil he comes providing, but as ever alone, always unhappy hunted by furious furies, the custom terror and the drift till harm. If man strikes up the word Caligula in a conversational dictionary stands following:

Caligula: (Latin = »small boot«) F 12. 12. 41 Roman emperor, son to Germanicus. C:s bloodthirst and abnormal addictions did him soon so hated that he was killed.

TORMENT

Film manuscript by Ingmar Bergman.

This film dedicated Caligula and all his ilk in both dead as living language, Christianity, geography and history…

QUIDQUID ID EST TIMEO DANAOS ET DONA FERENTES.

(HOWEVER THAT IT'S DREAD GREEKS AND PRESENTS BEARING.)

(Caligula's first words till his class, significant for his character.)

Caligula is a man of something over fifty years. His exterior is not in any way startling. He is dark, something white-haired. Face occupied mainly of one pair quite powerful glasses with large black frames. When he takes off the glasses alters his face suddenly and gets small insignificant, almost frightened.

It is after so of Caligula, how he has a facade to the outside world, a facade that he till the utmost endeavor it to maintain. »The Cat Story« is significative for his human island type. "Biting not I as bite you and therefore bite me first." This has designed one EnGarde position as has developed one strong predisposition: the stiletto sharp sadism, the lust to see humans plagued, feel power over them. Before for this sadism is naturally one white stain: "I am no criminal, I can none make a fly offended." He is not himself fully aware, he is one of these many humans, who lives his life till half, in a sort's half-conscious, where the external events only reach the soul indirectly and thereby lose their original wounding and devouring effect but also the positively building and curative.

The reason till this violent EnGarde-in-status based itself on a given helpless-unit-feeling that with Caligula has reached a powerful (let go for pathological) development. It is admittedly dangerous to scold everything pathological. Such that based itself on the undisciplined still-satisfactory-drift of the one or other kind need after not endure it, but Caligula's steps show for-a-knot-hot, his intentional perverse lust to admit his horror and expose himself, his flagrancy towards probably pathological. And if man experiments your view forward, what as conceivable comes to happen him, ends it with all security on insane family or also super he in the at dipsomaniac institution. That he would take some life of himself is hardly likely. It makes not humans like he (judgment is too suspicious concerning opportunities in neighbor life).

His relationship till the girl Bertha is utterly not any Mr. Hyde-folly, but are just by his easy, almost everyday system so insanely creepy. The girl is from beginning afraid for him, mostly for that her limited understanding and intuition not can take him. This fright gives him one advantage that he utilizes under the thesis "eat not thou me so eat I you."

"Murder" that after actually not is any murder in ordinary meaning, comes for him as a deep, unusual direct shock, that also furnishes about terribly in his perversion's bedroom. Such conditions to the boy are similar. Sandman till illustration would he never venture himself in. But this upright, sensitive guy selects he of instinctive security till his victims. There are just that category's lads in the class who he plays with cum that suggests up the horror in whole the class. The insane paralyzing fear that only (of my experience) can break out in a school class under the experienced school man's management.

A final wants I make a personal confession concerning Caligula and humans as he.

I think that they occurred through one nature's mistake. They have till single task to themselves suffer and cause other woes. There perhaps is some meaning of it. But as humans are them failed, without development, without fortune facilities, without real life. The most radical would naturally to killing them. Perhaps also the most merciful. "A characterized compassion" is impossible when there applies Caligula. What man feeling is dislike, disgust, a shiver of discomfort, which before the bugs that wedge front and back and disappears of hole soil under a just articulated stone.

Jan-Erik Widgren is a boy of 18 years. He is not unusual in any way. He is a schoolboy right and plain with all that it means.

Psychologically undergoes Jan-Erik a development under the film's walking. When it starts is he something quixotic, writes poetry, plays piano, thinks of a clean woman who will become his wife and between its has he surely quite the doctor to keep out of "losses" that forces him to one and otherwise that he considers with antipathy and one some resignation.

Through the event's race changes it.

First confronts he of a woman, who procures him setbacks in his beauty established principles. He is not dear at her, but goes unto[?] all fall till bed with her and rises upwards (till his surprise) but too big conscience. Like all your collegians with a little Sturm und Drang draw is he right isolated, alone. He finds in Bertha someone who bothers herself for him and requires him in one such way that it doesn't need encroach on his own usual and very fragile puberty-bargains with to himself. Therefore accepts he her and gets fixed on her with a tenderness that she reciprocates, and which gives him a reassured body and thereby one certain freedom in the soul. [?]

But away for away quite hastily breaks this good relationship asunder. It is Caligula as picks asunder it unconsciously, bit for bit. When Bertha is there snotty, full and howling, is he with even stranger for her. He was for never dear at her, loved her not and this new stress is their relationship not mighty to bear. It goes asunder.

Slowly but surely run he toward desperation. Make out some rash is when he beats Caligula, second is when Jan-Erik in wild despair rushes home. Fully broken out is it when it does his residence on Bertha's floor there he hides out like a wounded animal. [?]

But the knot is not so hard applied. It is a normal, something oversensitive, rights-aware only at large balanced boy it applies cum he lets the rector help out. [?] He returns home, not longer collegian but something bitter, something sensible, with a feeling of how lives probably are damned, indeed sometimes run "on clean sophistication," but also is a good life with obvious meaning in the most as done. The final image shows him lying on some flooring, weeping, this can seem depressing, yet is intrinsically the contrary. It would worse if he was silent and bit together about himself.

Till at parents relate it to like the most boys of his category: armed neutrality.

Jan-Erik is there nothing wrong on, he becomes one good fellow.

Bertha, that a arm (wretched) small life! It is that intrinsically not very say whether. She is constitution-kind, looks intrinsically not slutty outward, but are from circumstances' power start such go revolving: "Man wants after exist with, man want course live." Till end has she lost count cum with her something indolent temperament has she not bothered herself so much about it.

Then has she enacted knowledge of Caligula in like way as of many other men, at a tobacco shop and its facilities. Caligula has seen kind out cum so with even is she the scaring her more than all otherwise. The horror ramped till the excessive, mainly suctioned of her herself cum she allows herself willingly abused mentally by Caligula.

The togetherness with Jan-Erik gives her something respite and shows her as she is: a kind girl, who not asks more than how gain draw someone to think about, that could have a live human text beside herself in bed, to avoid being alone.

She suppers death itself. Drinking on Caligula initiative, lets to tortured, suffer from malnutrition. Her will to live flows as away cum she deceases so well as on peculiar desire.

I find much pity for her and desired that she had become married with any kind fellow cum that she had got many children and a small alright home. Perhaps was it her small adventurousness, inability to take care of to herself, that brought her performing. A victim is she in all fall and I am nowadays if conceivably yet more convinced of that Caligula should slide as shot.

The giant playground outside school. It is unsettled and empty. A little lad comes rushing far from behind. He runs with high speed over the yard on the diagonal.

Contra steps up till home entrance. The small lad rushes up the stairs. Trips, travels himself, rushing further. Gets with effort and difficulty up the door that is large, large. Slips in. [?]

Inside the door.

The large vestibule with doors to the prayer hall. From within heard Bull Jesus' monotonously echoing voice. The lad (12 years) looks at the wall clock that shows 10 minutes over eight. The lad swallows a few times. His bad conscience is unambiguous. He sneaks silent further up next staircase and - next. He tries (to) make himself as small as possible.

A teacher goes in corridors, opens doors to classrooms, and peeks in, open till storerooms, maps room cum toilettes. Snoop everywhere. Can further.

Lad hears echoing footsteps. He sneaks in through the door. It is chemistry room, with one long row large table. He dives yourself down behind one.

The teacher opens the door till the chemistry room, gets hastily through it. Out again. Lad, as crouched, travels himself up, sneaks up till the door and listens. Opens and glides out.

Long corridor.

Lad sneaks. You sneak past a cross corridor. Stays as riveted at the ground.

The teacher comes in the cross corridor. He gets sight of the boy, stops.

Lad sets himself off, rushes like a shot through the corridor.

The teacher turns, sneaks around a corner.

The kiddie turns around one other corner and rushes straight at the arms of the teacher. The lad finds for good to start howling. The teacher takes him in some neck skin and for away wrongdoer.

A classroom.

The lad, still cohesive in some neck skin, howling, discarded down in a bench. The teacher takes up the class book. Stare gloomily at The Lad. Turns up the book, writes.

The stairs cum the corridor.

Pippi comes walking rather soon. The hat on the neck. The rock{coat} flutters. The white hair test {tufts} stands right out. He goes past "the lads" classroom, yet stops, turns about cum peeks in. Pippi having's clear to –

PIPPI : Mornin' the adjunct.

The young, gloomy and zealous teacher turns of head and considers Pippi –

ADJUNCT : Good morning lector.

Pippi steps in, looking at the howling boy –

PIPPI : Till what offense has this the sorrow's youngling done to guilty now then.

ADJUNCT : He has come for {too} late! Come for late till morning prayer!!

The adjunct beats back his class book and prepares himself to go.

PIPPI : Yes only, that have after I've also done.

The adjunct turns himself lightning-fast if as if he would say something, but is stunned. The lad ends howling and looks up. An explained grin bursts slowly out on his snotty small gangster-physiognomy.

Bull-Jesus fishes with the tongue after loose palate, as holding on to allow himself off, bending head deep down where he stands at the oratory's lectern.

BULL - JESUS : Aameen!

The organ puff, sighs. One long boy with nervous hands and the eyes in the notes intones bluntly "Alone God..."

The school's 856 pupils plus teachers and principal travel themselves {rises} as one man and sing with ho and hello and a certain clamp –

SKOLAN : Alone God in heaven-rich, spring Grace and price belong…

Grönstrand stands stunned, stares at the psalmbook, then shoulders he on Jan-Erik –

GRÖNSTRAND : The damned in it. I mayst nothing Latin till in daylight… You should see man field there. I had premonitions with Mother.

JAN - ERIK : Where sits they.

GRÖNSTRAND : In a gastric. Boy! waking(?) diarrhea.

SKOLAN : For all the Grace he loves rich with us has wanted make.

BROBERG (sings in falsetto): Think you not that sounds neat when one other sings soprano?

Östergren stands with Latin grammar in highest grab –

ÖSTERGREN : Hold the jaw. I'm studying. Interference me not! Volo, nolo, malo, cupio, juvo, studeo… [I want; I do not want; bad; I; watch out; studying]

SKOLAN : He earth donated - great delight and peace...

Bergman and Krefler.

BERGMAN : A Tuesday with little home sadist Caligula.

Caligula tramps up and down. Turns something with left arm as if he had rheumatism in it.

BERGMAN : He has rheumatism today.

KREFLER : Becomes he fun. Yes yes!

BERGMAN : Fun ... he gets sublime.

SKOLAN : And of a human may well rejoice at –

Sandman, bald, burning eyes, strange revelation, lies with rapture.

SANDMAN : You understand, one another was after quite hungover when the donna said that she rolls of a lump.

Göterström, small, glasses, impressed –

GÖTERSTRÖM : Ouch, ouch you.

SANDMAN : You know ... ANVIL have man after not thought oneself to be... yet.

Sång-Pelle stands with closed eyes, hands at the gastric, happy. Sings so it's empty –

SKOLAN + SÅNG - PELLE : God's forever good wiiiiiiiill…

An oratory.

Everyone's heads bent on Bull Jesus' initiative. Dead silent.

Two schoolboys lean themselves together and affect sleep. Panoramic up. One jams a salmon book down in the pants. The other ends with to whittle in the bench with his penknife. A third wakes to where he has stood and lost the psalmbook on some floor.

It becomes up crime's signal.

Long rows march now, bench row after bench row, class after class, outward from the oratory.

At the door stand two teachers.

Each pupil, who goes past, shows up his psalm book. Then comes one - no psalm book -

TEACHER I : No psalmbook.

A PUPIL : Mine's stolen.

TEACHER 2: Lie at least not. From ranks.

The pupil joins till one small cluster of other individuals -

PUPIL 1 : Will it stick?

Pupil 1. responds not. Make(s) only one much ugly and vast grimace.

Some train of pupils.

Faces in long lines. Descriptive, intensive. Scores of faces.

The mighty stairwell. Mingle of boys outside classrooms. The rings in clocks. Some stairwell becomes hastily ground. There comes the teaching. They go in of yet classroom, whose door closes. It gets quieter and quieter.

Noise cum upset, whistles cum clamor. Ringning.

It is silent and plot everywhere.

Classroom system.

It is silent. All 25 pupils seated still, cautious. The roof lamps are a spark. Day stands gray outside, rain sprinkles down along the three large windows. Panoramic up. Caligula in the rostrum.

He travels out. Moves silent and light. Taps pointer. Moves through the class. Talks so slowly and low -

CALIGULA : I will not put at fingers between ("I'll show no mercy.") Ignores you me so - ignoring - me - you. (pause) Wants you-all have the un-pleas-ant so GLADLY for me.

Up with pointer straight in eyesight on the spotty and resin near horror-hypnotic Grönstrand. Pokes with the pin against his larynx –

CALIGULA : Perhaps Mr. Grönstrand wants last friendly to continue.

Grönstrand sighs. He bending his spotty and constantly distressed face over text and reads with high and shrill meeting –

GRÖNSTRAND : After Fabius Maximums thus had broken up, marched the army ten days, then it struck camp at the river Igas. The under-command-haves called till the consul's tent, where he till told them ... where he till told them ... with to ... unless the campaign plan would to and then unless the campaign plan would to and then that they ... unless ...

Grönstrand bend your face, his eyes are confused, save, he is smooth in such physiognomy.

Caligula stands silent and then begins he pull in at fingers, the one after the other, slowly –

GRÖNSTRAND : I could not get out the here sentence lecturer.

CALIGULA : So.

Caligula drags in the fingers. The class seated tense, silent. Some rain rushes against the boxes –

CALIGULA : Then maybe Mr. Grönstrand want [to] start on neighbor sentence?

Grönstrand makes a brave attempt to bluff. He begins healthy –

GRÖNSTRAND : This showed legacies be... and then ... individual ... between themselves ... but this till despite if though non ...

Dead silent. Against Caligula.

He takes with a hand against glasses, straightens till them. Sets himself in the lectern, leaning himself forward, puts hands under the chin -

CALIGULA : Grönstrand has not opened the books till now. (pause) (chop till hard) In any fall not there the lesson was. (smiles)

Around Grönstrand.

Some strained giggles from the about-around-sitting -

CALIGULA : I will give Grönstrand occasion till reflection. – Mr. Widgren continues.

Jan-Erik jerks till, begins looking among the lines, finds, begins something choppy –

JAN - ERIK : This synopsis the legates make a good statement.

CALIGULA (breaks off): Stands it so... Karling?

Karling seated just behind Jan-Erik –

KARLING : Pretense.

CALIGULA : Continue.

JAN - ERIK : A good pretense. And since they stayed counsel mutually, wherein they came agreed about that a great gift should delivers at …

Caligula breaks off. Crisply –

CALIGULA : Can Mr. Jan-Erik Widgren not speak Swedish.

Jan-Erik looks up, licks himself of mouth, is very- –

CALIGULA : It called not delivers a gift... That is poor Swedish (fast). What called it, Mr. Widgren?

Jan-Erik stares before himself. Stare and think. The brain has gone in deadlock. Dead silence.

Caligula traveling out of (the) lectern, cum the pointer in hand and goes silent and slowly down the room towards Jan-Erik. He pokes with the pin on Jan-Erik's throat –

CALIGULA : It is till that be witty.

Turns himself round instantly –

CALIGULA : Ström!

Ström, a round boy with gentle, mild, melancholic eyes, takes finger from the nose, startled –

STRÖM : Submit a gift!

Caligula again. He smiles something sly, cozy –

CALIGULA : Has Mr. Widgren heard that before?

Widgren. He grins silly –

WIDGREN : Indeed[,] certainly yes.

CALIGULA (suddenly mocking): Indeed[,] certainly yes. Continue.

WIDGREN : Assumed they before Caesar and assured that they were ready.

CALIGULA : Thanks. That was where we had.

The class draws a sigh of relief. Jan-Erik straightens of himself. But the period is short.

Caligula starts going up and down between the benches right quickly. Questions and answer comes as submachine's matter –

CALIGULA : Prepare some joy, Widgren! Jan-Erik –

JAN - ERIK : Afficere aliquem laetitia. [Latin for: "Affect any joy."]

CALIGULA : Instill any(?) fear.

JAN - ERIK : In … aliquem timore. [Latin for: "In ... any fear."]

Caligula. He stops –

CALIGULA : Instill.

Jan-Erik can not come on some words –

JAN - ERIK : In…

CALIGULA : Well!

JAN - ERIK : Injicere. [Latin for: "Inject."]

Caligula swings the stylus around so it whistles in the air –

CALIGULA : It was someone who whispered. Genitive of impersonal verb. Example. Kreutz.

Kreutz, calm, turns at some head. Leisurely, teasing.

KREUTZ : Miseret, penitet piget, pudet, taedet. [Latin for: "Sorry, repented wearisome, ashamed, tired."]

Caligula. Kreutzs' way annoys him –

CALIGULA : Spare, Karlsson. Karlsson –

KARLSSON : Parco, peperci, parsum, parcere. [Latin for: "spare, forbear, spared, spare."]

Caligula. He allows now the stylus whiz around in a run –

CALIGULA : Flay, Bokstedt.

Bokstedt gets startled –

BOKSTEDT : Plango, plantisi. [Latin for: "bewail, I planted."]

CALIGULA : Wrong. Bergström.

BERGSTRÖM : Plango, planxi, planctum, plangere. [Latin for: "bewail, mourn, mourning, wailing."]

Caligula goes up against Widgren, down to behind him –

CALIGULA : Caesar hostem agressus devicit. [Latin for: "Caesar (the) enemy assault overcame."] Widgren.

He puts the stylus between the shoulder blades on Widgren –

WIDGREN : Caesar attacked and defeated the fiend.

Responds without to turn on some head. Keeps hard on the desk –

CALIGULA : Example of what.

WIDGREN : Participial construction.

CALIGULA : What of them.

WIDGREN : Participium conjunctum. [Latin for: "Participle conjoined."] It is (a) predictive attribute.

CALIGULA : Till what.[sic]

JAN - ERIK (silent).

Caligula swings around and puts to on the desk straight front Jan-Erik –

CALIGULA : Has Mr. Widgren not read on the homework?

Jan-Erik stares Caligula stint in the eyes –

JAN - ERIK : Yes, that has me.

CALIGULA : I think (whispering) I think Mr. Widgren - lies!

JAN - ERIK : No one does I not!

CALIGULA : Not that.

Caligula.

He stares with his on glasses magnified eyes at Jan-Erik.

Silence.

Jan-Erik.

He stares back. Immensely tense, but intrinsically not afraid.

JAN - ERIK : No!

Caligula travels to up. He goes one kind up against blackboard -

CALIGULA : So. So.

Flips to about. Throws out –

CALIGULA : At what verb stands genitive?

Jan-Erik is as seized of one icy horror. But he holds together.

JAN - ERIK : At verb as means remind if, remember, forget, accuse, convict, judge, acquit. Fore business verb.

CALIGULA : Example.

JAN - ERIK : Aestimo. [Latin for "I Think."]

Caligula looks at Jan-Erik. Nods interested –

CALIGULA : So!

JAN - ERIK : Facio, duco, puto. [Latin for "I do, think, I think it.."]

Caligula as above –

CALIGULA : So!

JAN - ERIK : Camo. [Latin for "bit."] Mercor [Latin for "trade"](trying) dono [Latin for "gift"].

All follow under silent tension course-for-events. Caligula approaches himself slowly Jan-Erik. Dead silent.

CALIGULA : Mr. Widgren considers still that Mr. Widgren mayst his lesson.

JAN - ERIK : I'm could it then of yesterday.

CALIGULA : Mr. Widgren is lazy. Mr. Widgren ignores me and my homework.

JAN - ERIK : No, it makes me not.

Caligula has now passed past Widgren. And is farthest down in class.

CALIGULA : So! Not. Strike up the book. Start with the day's homework.

Slamming suddenly with the stylus in an empty desk with all might –

CALIGULA : FAST! FAST!

Jan-Erik and Caligula of background.

JAN - ERIK : For three days collapsed battle. One last did Romans one storm onset …

Caligula sneaks silent on toe up behind Jan-Erik and leans himself over him and peers in his book –

JAN - ERIK : … and chased Hannibal's troops on the flight. Thereby was a large number soldiers captured …

Caligula bend(s) himself instantly down, slams the hand over the book, takes up it. Raises that in the air. Long silence.

Jan-Erik's face.

Hales somehow together itself. The eye creeps in of the skull on him.

Sandman. Staring, mute.

Grönstrand pulls together eyebrows in one childishly desperate grimace.

Caligula and Jan-Erik.

Caligula speaks low –

CALIGULA : What is it here!

Caligula looks out around in the class under silence. So –

CALIGULA : Mr. Widgren uses to of unauthorized aid.

JAN - ERIK (low): Forgot to erase.

Caligula raises an eyebrow, as if he were quite amazed over the information. Plays something –

CALIGULA : Forgot blurring out.

Speaks mildly –

CALIGULA : So. Sure. Forgot blurring out. It is clear.

Turns about, furious –

CALIGULA : Cheating my Lord!

Throws down the book –

CALIGULA (continued): CHEATING!!

Caligula goes slowly up till the lectern. Addressed till eyewear, staring sadly before himself –

CALIGULA : Sad to forced penalize a student for this criminal procedure two months before the student, fourteen days before the writing compounds.

Strikes up the class book –

CALIGULA : Much boring is it. Very.

Jan-Erik.

It is hot despair in the eyes of him. It is quiet. The only as heard is the pen's rasp in the class book.

Caligula.

He hits back the book. Straightens on the eyeglasses –

CALIGULA : I will talk with provost (pause). We mayst probably some part with each other to do, Jan-Erik Widgren.

It rings –

CALIGULA : Good midday.

Caligula glides out.

There is violent excitement in the class –

SANDMAN : One such potty.

GRÖNSTRAND : Man would snap bastard alive.

Students start packing in their books. And walk towards the door. They are fast still occupied by Caligula.

Sandman pouring himself back –

BERGSTRÖM (flings out - the eyes glow in skull on him): Sadist.

SANDMAN : It'll be damn nice to me when you cured this misery. Then will man a slag.[film: Boy, am I going to sleep then] Stream what man should a slag and crib and lead the roll and yield blank it in it here institution.[film: Sleep & eat & forget all about this place.] Come Widgren, then breaking us and buy scratchy.[film: Let's get some cigs.]

They go out.

Widgren and Sandman.

Göterström sits and digs with the spindly hands in some hair. Speaks low for to himself –

GÖTERSTRÖM : I should acquire one picture in constitutional size by him cum then should I stick out eyes on him cum so should I shoot till target on him. The Latin grammar …

He takes out it –

GÖTERSTRÖM : The Latin grammar should I have as privy-paper if it gives you till it.

The tobacconist.

Jan-Erik and Sandman will in.

One newsprint-reading lord stands forward of the shop –

SANDMAN : Good day my sweet Carmen.

Bertha turns herself about, laughing–

BERTHA : That will that be. One caramel. You-all know that self none may sell tobacco at schoolboys.

SANDMAN : Must buy at papa.

BERTHA : To what said he!

SANDMAN : Bah.

Sandman extends out one courtship-true hand and fingers on Bertha (right dined) -

BERTHA : Yuck on it. Let be.

Jan-Erik is markedly embarrassed –

JAN - ERIK : Sandman. Can we not walk, eh!

Bertha and Sandman laugh.

The door opens cum Caligula comes in. Sandman speaks something rushed -

SANDMAN : An Allers was that yes, miss.

BERTHA : Where so good.

SANDMAN : Thanks. Good midday.

Both boys greet reserved and disappear forth from the boutique.

Caligula looks at them.

It gets silent one small while. Caligula considers irritable the newspaper-reading gentleman –

CALIGULA : Havana II.

Bertha takes up the requested - –

CALIGULA : And then a little box Virginia.

Bertha takes forward it. She seems annoyed –

CALIGULA : Wants you-all last kind and cut up it. I have such bad hands, so clumsy.

BERTHA : Yes[,] certainly. Certainly.

It cuts. Cuts a little scratch in the hand –

CALIGULA : Oh, get regard. Did you yours badly.

He takes her hand. Clamps forward some blood. Keeps it, looks at it. Pause. Then jerks Bertha suddenly of her hand. Pale.

BERTHA : Uh, it was nothing. Nothing at all. Was it something else like the lecturer …

Caligula. He shakes on his head, staring a little silly. Then gathers he together their boxes and pays. Goes. Lights his cigar-cigarette.

Home of Caligula.

He presses down the cigar-cigarette in an ashtray with an energetic movement. He sits at his desk with a back at the room. Piles of exercise books. He pretends to read. Behind him diver Aunt Elisabet up. She is a something, thin, dull, pale face, cold eyes with a spark of passion. She stands some moment silent. Then:

AUNT ELISABET : Why answers you not?

His face carrying tracks of horror-blended anger. He shuts up.

AUNT ELISABET : It is still not right of you … I want you of course only well …Answer then … Say something … You have of course been ill, you vet what the doctor said! … I hold of course so much of you … It is so empty, I am so alone.

The room carrying vision for the say. Aunt Elisabet is middle of the floor. A handkerchief creeps misguided out from the sleeve.

AUNT ELISABET : Thou has never had any other home… We had why such great... Answer then something. Dear boy my.

Caligula flashes till. Furious.

CALIGULA : GO!

Aunt Elisabet pinches together the eyes, knots hands over the handkerchief –

AUNT ELISABET: That you CAN, that you only CAN!

Caligula creeps together in the chair. He is furious, afraid, furious ...

CALIGULA : I want none see you. You. Go, go, go.

Now fall the first tears along Aunt Elizabet's pale cheeks.

AUNT ELISABET : You are mean… mean. When you were small, off boy came you cum said: Dear small aunt Elisabet.

She flags down in a chair and buries the face in her hands.

Caligula travels to pitiful, angry, humiliated, irate.

CALIGULA : Matter kind now. Weep not[,] for God's sake.

He stands footed.

CALIGULA : I WILL be for me oneself. I want none take up that there some monkey business with mother and son… It is disgusting, disgusting.

Aunt Elisabet shaking head forward and back, tears runs and she sobs -

AUNT ELISABET : You lived in your small room inside the hall cum each evening got I arrive in on the till you and I got stop of you before you fell asleep. I got still be like… like your mother.

Moved to the rupture limit over her own voice falls she on new in crying -

AUNT ELISABET : Why wants you not come back. I am so alone … You are of course also so alone …

Now happens all very fast. Caligula takes Aunt Elisabet in the arm, drags up her from the chair. She screams till, turns flash-quickly around. But he gets making of her again. Wills up the door and tries to shoo her out.

Aunt Elisabet turns suddenly one another. Cold, resentful -

AUNT ELISABET : Be careful. Be careful.

CALIGULA : Give you away!

AUNT ELISABET : You will get back this here. Be careful.

CALIGULA (laughs): It is good. Then may you go now.

She twists out by the front door, which goes again with a bang. Caligula stands a moment right still. Then steps he around. Sinking gradually together after the tension. Stops before the bookshelf. Takes down a photograph. It represents aunt Elisabet somewhat youthful and a small boy in feminine costume. She leans her head against his.

Caligula's hands breaking some photograph middle deal so that the glass bits dizzy around. Then goes this ruptured some card in the paper basket.

The food hall at Widgrens.

At some dinner table sitter agency director Widgren, Mrs. Widgren cum the little boy Brother and Jan-Erik, who is gloomy, very gloomy. The eat's under silence.

Brother adds down his spoon and licks to about mouth and looks under bangs on Jan-Erik.

BROTHER : Hey Janne. Why look you so faded out?

MOTHER : Brother small, has none mother said hundred times to you not may wiggle on one chair.

BROTHER : Janne looks equally faded out still so.

Jan-Erik looks not up from the soup –

JAN - ERIK : It should you give seventeen in.

THE MOTHER (mildly reproachfully): Should you say so when Brother wants last friendly.

JAN - ERIK : Small guys would keep the quack when judgment cribs.

Silence lowers to again over the congregation. So looks the bureau director up from his plate, dries himself about the mouth cum speaks -

THE FATHER : How has he gone to school today?

Jan-Erik looks not there -

JAN - ERIK (nonchalant): Good, suppose I.

THE FATHER : Is it true that[?]

It becomes silent one moment. Jan-Erik gives the father one fast glance –

JAN - ERIK : No.

The mother anticipates immediately that something terrible has occurred. She constructs a compassionate, slightly complaining tone –

THE MOTHER : Has there happened any boring? Say, what is it that has happened.

JAN - ERIK : Has got perch.

THE FATHER : For cheating.

JAN - ERIK : How vet Father it[?]

THE FATHER : Your Latin teacher has rung me. The remark sights have been justified.

Jan-Erik. He lowers some head.

THE MOTHER : Jan-Erik, how can you do us one such sorrow.

JAN - ERIK : It WAS not cheating. I could not myself see that which was there. I wrote there it to the cursive-over-setting, then forgot I erase outward …

THE FATHER : It is terribly uncomfortable, now just before one's matriculation.

The father looks upset out. He has a wrinkle middle of the forehead –

JAN - ERIK : So damn dangerous is it surely not. (despair in the voice).

The father silent a moment –

THE FATHER: It depends on how Man takes it. YOU seem to take it relatively lightly. But mother and I are very sorry. My opinion is that you got a stain on you. [(A tingling.)] Should we trip ourselves[?]

The father lays together his napkin.

The family goes from the table. Jan-Erik goes forward till the window.

Brother comes in in the hall again, where a service-spirit right holds on to lay the table out.

He goes forward till Jan-Erik.

Jan-Erik has badly to keep the lip away. But he masters himself male –

JAN - ERIK : It is well not criminally either.

BROTHER : And not should you become sorry for what the stab talk. That vet you well how he is... you… Sandman is on the phone and wonders if you can go to the cinema.

Jan-Erik and Sandman sit at a café. Sandman smokes greedily. It's evening. Sandman yawns –

SANDMAN : Damn sleepy man is. Man would have that the kill in the film, a comfortable, big cum wide snark - one such there tarpaulin or what that called, on a nice dope.

Sandman smacks. Jan-Erik laughs a little, shakes on the head –

JAN - ERIK : Says thou there.

SANDMAN : Boy! And a smorgasbord and burnt and distilled beverages en masse. And the dope and the snoring.

Jan-Erik considers his companion with a certain admiration –

SANDMAN : Man would not climb up in 14 days. Just slag and crib and crib and slag and use the dope. Feathers in it.

Jan-Erik pours for himself tea. Sandman kindles a new cigarette on the old with a practised hand movement –

JAN - ERIK : You are all one terrific materialist.

SANDMAN : Jäh.

He stretches away himself, yawns yet one time large and voluptuous.

Around Jan-Erik. He sees something beyond Sandman. Is actually something embarrassed –

JAN - ERIK : Nah[,] see you, I see everything in one other way. I intend pen thus much I want and play as much violin I want - when this round some whole sick is over.

Jan-Erik becomes pensive. Drinks from his cup and turns and twists on it –

JAN - ERIK : Later with ladies and such there( )... self thinks only have one and her should I be dear over.

SANDMAN (interested): So you have nothing now then. But that there bean Lena or whatever she named …

JAN - ERIK : Indeed yet I am why none all dear of her. Would …

SANDMAN : Dear! You are not wise. Woman uses man.

JAN - ERIK : Do man. Not me in any fall.

Sandman blows smoke clouds and rings. Staring at the ceiling –

SANDMAN : Nah, for it you should take should be clean and untouched and stuff where. What!

JAN - ERIK (embarrassed, but determined): Yes.

SANDMAN : Those animals are none.

JAN - ERIK : Says thou it.

Sandman teaches. High school student-cross-safe –

SANDMAN : All ladies are hookers. And are they that none so want them becoming that. That says both Nietzsche and Strindberg. Waitress[,] may we pay.

The two boys walk down the street. Then stop they outside a port –

SANDMAN : Comes you cum up.

JAN - ERIK : Nah, are home cum read some Latin misery.

SANDMAN : Caligula is one as.

JAN - ERIK : I vet not. I think most that he is a strange dude.

Sandman takes out their keys and inaugurates. He turns himself round –

SANDMAN : You vet, that man turns on stones finds man nasty animal. Caligula is naught real considerably swine(,)[;] he is a little nasty, toxic insect.

JAN - ERIK : I think not that a human can be just evil.

Sandman kindles the light in the stairs(,)[;] they have badly to divorced –

SANDMAN : You are secondary. Expect boy. Expect should thou will see, how devilish it is, everything. It shocks on clean sophistication. Good night brother.

Sandman handrails forward a hand. Jan-Erik takes the fat of it –

JAN - ERIK : You think well-being I am heavenly silly.

SANDMAN : You drivel. You are the only human man can speak cum. You can none help to thou holding you to ideals and speaks round innocent woman. Cheerio!

JAN - ERIK : Servant.

Sandman disappears at the gate. Jan-Erik turns and drives along the street. He goes strenuous with his hands deep down in the pockets. He looks very thoughtful outward.

One other street.

Jan-Erik goes as before. Suddenly raises he some head cum fixes someone before himself.

Before Jan-Erik on the street walks a girl. She wobbles strongly here and there.

Wobbles more and more. Suddenly goes her on one foot in the street and the other on the sidewalk.

Jan-Erik stays. He considers her steadily.

The girl stays now and supports herself against a house wall. She expels a curious chirping sound. So shuffles her down for knee. Stands unto all four, supporting in against the wall.

Jan-Erik thinks a moment. So goes it forward till the girl. Stir at her –

JAN - ERIK : How is the making?

It is Bertha of the tobacco affair.

She turns some face towards Jan-Erik. It is swollen and she pants –

BERTHA : I feel so in of hell great, so it is not true.

Jan-Erik can not camouflage his surprise –

JAN - ERIK : Mrs. Olsson!

The girl laughs, only answers not.

JAN - ERIK : Can I help you?

BERTHA : Oh, hold the jaw on you.

She returns to the exit's position, tries to travel herself, but sinks back again, unable to move it.

BERTHA (angrily): Stand not there and stare. Come and molest a dame. (furious) Give you away.

Jan-Erik bends to down over her and takes her in the shoulder –

JAN - ERIK : You are not wise. You pass you none yourself.

BERTHA : What says you! Am I not wise. (laughs) Oh, came should thou get some.

She travels the laborious and stands upright. Laughs Jan-Erik right in the face.

Jan-Erik becomes cum even angry. He takes her in the arms and shakes her hard -

JAN - ERIK : Talk not rubbish. Where do you live?

Bertha screams high and whines and grins –

BERTHA : Oh! Let become. Release me. (screams) Ouch!

JAN - ERIK : Cry not so. Where rooms you?

BERTHA (angrily): It should you give the cat in.

JAN - ERIK : Attempt for Jösse name that last sober a minute. There comes a cop there away.

Away distance. Some pair. A policeman comes walking the street down. He wanders gravely. Then he goes past some pair watching it on that, yet continues.

Jan-Erik shakes the girl again. She is "limp" –

JAN - ERIK : Now, where live you?

With even flags her off fully and is close to founder in the street. Jan-Erik gets forward her bag and finds a letter -

JAN - ERIK : Ore-different Street 53, four stairs.

He pulls away with her, half carries, half foals her.

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basement-office-log · 6 years

Text

Some Thoughts about BTS...

So... this is basically, the story of how I got in and out of the BTS fandom. (Okay not exactly out because I’m still casually following them nowadays)

How I discovered them is ironically, like many of you, through youtube. It was just before the Run era I guess??? (around the end of 2015). Like somewhen between the Dope and Run era that I got in the fandom.

I guess I can consider myself as one of those depressed fans (lol), I actually remembered there was a option in the BTS fan survey around their BS&T era(???) that said “are you the kind of person that is easily depressed” and I ticked yes.

Almost instantaneously, I fell for the song “Butterfly” it was just the prologue that released back then. The MV was beautifully made, with a sad happy yet depressed undertone, perfectly described how I’m feeling back then.

I first noticed I’m depressed back then in 2015 (let’s be honest, college makes everyone depressed), more like “ahh so this is what being depressed is”.

And what now... I’m writing this after a tiring long day at work so things may jump back and forth...

Both their HYYH albums, I had gone through countless late nights listening the tracks on repeat, those are still my favourite albums up till today. Beapsae, instead of partying, that was the song that kept me awake till 5 a.m. ahh those memories... Same with Dope, I did not read the english lyrics until the hundredth repeat lmao. I was actually expecting the song to be about how cool I am, come to oppa and I’ll make you the princess kind of lyrics but ehh boi you surprised me with those raps hmmm.......

And... Jungkook, I did not like him when I first got into the fandom, to be honest. Because he’s younger than me and also he’s the center, main vocal of the group, despite the youngest. I remembered I was like, wow cocky brat isn’t it. Hehhhhhh but I grew to like him over time anyway, he’s cute, talented, good looking and all but still, it would be hella a headache if I were to have a younger brother like him.

It took me a year to like Jungkook because... The more I look at stuff, he’s just a regular boy, growing up, working hard, trying not to disappoint his parents and people around him. In a sense, aren’t we all just like that? There really is no reason to hate.

Another member is Jimin. He’s another member that I don’t quite like when I just got in the fandom. We all know that he acted a bit flirtatious during his debut days, up to the Danger era, honestly, his eye make-up makes me feeling uncomfortable to look at him. That’s the first thing. The appearance and the way he acts, in no way I’m trying to say he’s ugly, because if I were to compare myself to him, umm I probably looked like a bum lol.

It took me a lot longer to like Jimin, it’s until the Spring Day era that I thought, alright Jimin is charismatic and cute, admit it. Hah yea... Now, this is when the second stage of not liking Jimin comes. I started to fear him. It’s weird I know, why would I scared of “the mochi of BTS” Let me tell you why.

It’s scary to see how hard a person can work, that his goal is probably more important than his life. It makes me think that I am not and will not be a person like this, living is more important than what I am achieving. I wouldn’t want to risk my life doing things, however important that thing might be. Well people said, you will never achieve your goal like this if you don’t put your life on it. But I don’t care about that, but at the same time I’m feeling guilty about that.

It might be a Korean thing, we all know Koreans worked insanely hard because of society standards. Or it also could be a Jimin thing, Nevertheless, this man have my respect. The respect that I keeps me away from accepting him.

I’m kind of in the neutral range with Suga, J-hope and Jin like they are cool, fantastic, great people.

-----

This is almost 24 hours later, since the last paragraph. Again, a long and tiring day, after work, prolly a few minutes away from losing consciousness (a.k.a. falling asleep lol)

This shit is going to be very VERY long, nah it doesn’t matter because no one is going to read this anyway, even if I tagged BTS below, I’m writing this for myself.

I’ll just briefly talk about RM and V before going into my main topic today, (all because I cut myself off yesterday to hit the hay ekkk).

Rapmon bro, the reason why I decided to look into this group is because of his mixtape. I have 2 of his tracks in my old phone back then, everything was gone when my phone literally died a few months back. (The whole album is available for free download anyway so its all good) I have no interest in hip hop or whatsoever back then, but I became interested in hip-hop just a little after listening to his mixtape album. He is really someone I look up to, honestly, it’s no easy job to be a leader, not just in idol groups but just in every field in general. I tried becoming one because my mother always expect me to be one, after a few attempts (it was back in high school by the way) I thought it’s just not my thing, I’m more of a following instruction kind of person, I do my part and make sure everyone is okay. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to become a leader like person. In the future, maybe... But my depression went really downhill these days, so I’m not sure if that day will come. But I do aspire to become someone like him.

V or I prefer calling him Tae. He is my first bias. His existence just screams “RELATABLE” to me, (minus his looks) He seemed to be struggling with words whenever he tries to say something. That also is something I had to deal with on a daily basis. It’s like when you have good looks, everything you did is cute, but for me, it’s more like an annoyance. So I tried to keep quiet as much as possible. Nevertheless, I just hope that I will meet someone that will understand the way I talk like the other BTS members did with Tae, have a best friend like Jimin and... yea.

BTS hmm the annual sit and talk for part of their BTS Festa thingy, it’s called the Dinner Party this year hmm cool. I stopped watching after the first 30 minutes, for the exact reason why I also did not watch more than 5 minutes of last year’s sit and talk.

We all know that, they had achieved tremendous success for the past few years. A lot of their songs often circle around their hardships and what fuck the haters?? If that make sense. Whenever they have talks like this, I always bail myself out there, and yea I never install Vlive back after I got this new phone because there really is no reason to catch every live and Run BTS episodes now.

This was not long before the DNA era, I always found myself having thoughts like:

“So you have started to avoid BTS hmm?” Yea right, took me a while to admit. I used to not miss a single notification. There is no more random videos on the BangtanTV channel as they get more and more popular, there is just backstages and really just back stages and behind the scenes of their daily schedules and tours. It shows that they are working hard, really hard. Which leads me to the next question.

“It feels uncomfortable isn’t it, comparing yourself to a worldwide famous group of artist?” Hmph. I worked hard, really hard. I even live by the motto, do or die. But that doesn’t seemed to be enough. People around me, always told me that I should push myself more. I DID, I REALLY DID, BUT WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT.

“But BTS can, why can’t you?” I’m just going to work harder, I tell myself. I don’t have to face the same pressure as BTS did, I’m having it way more easier. But at the same time, there is seven of them in BTS, but there is only one me.

The voice at the back of my head, you are not helping.

I swiped away all notifications from BangtanTV ever since.

Because seeing them having each other around reminds me how am I not going to have friends like this, how I’m never going to achieve this much. But mostly it reminds me how lonely I am.

By the time the Mic Drop remix released, I started having what I called the depressive episodes. I think I’m going to describe them as a waking nightmare, all the thoughts in my head are killing each other, fighting for the limited space in my head. Which ever thought that dominate my mind is the winner. I stared into blankness, tears and snots all over my face, hyperventilating while finding excuses to tell people what happened to me if anyone ever sees me.

Honestly I don’t think people is going to read this... but the tag is down there just for the slightest hope that people that come across this will know that, ahh there are people like this out there too... Some of you might think, this is pathetic, attention seeking but at the end of the day, I just want some closure for myself. I need to admit that, no matter how much interviews I watch, how much memes I’ve seen everyday, they are not going to be my friends. They will forever be the people in screens, and I belong to the 97% of the population that will lead a normal life.

Here I am, the Fake Love era that comes to a close. I can’t even bring myself to listen to the whole album, because chances are, some of the lyrics are going to trigger the shit out of me. Same goes with Suga’s mixtape, J-hope’s mixtape.

I really miss the days where they made simple love songs like the ones in the Dark and Wild album. Blanket Kick is my personal favourite.

I’m sure there are still a lot more that I had in mind but I just forget what is it about to include in this. I’ll get a part 2 done when there is time.

BTS now just feels like the popular kids I went to school with, now graduated from a school named ARMY, they are like the ex-classmates I bump into once in a while. Thank you, for the best 3 years in my life. I had lots of laughter, times that I forgot about my sadness and your warm words that took me through difficult times. You are the reason that I survived until today and also the trigger of some of my episodes.

SInce it’s already past midnight, I wanted to say Happy 5th debut anniversary, stay healthy (to both BTS and ARMY out there) be happy and may you all be reaching higher and higher till you celebrate your 10th anniversary. (or maybe longer)

*Just a sidenote, as a Malaysian fan, I’m just going to keep calling Rapmon, Rapmon because RM is our effin currency, I don’t want to be reminded of money issues whenever I thought of you. As far as I know, you do have a beautiful name as your mother definitely did not named you Rap Monster. It’s just that stage name exist for a reason. And I think I know at least 5 Jins in real life, so the wide shoulder hyung is just going to be Kim Seok Jin in my head haha yea.

#bts #unpopular opinion

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