#and she self sabotages hoping that people would finally see her as a bad fit to the throne | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

httpsserene · 1 year ago

Note

hey can I request something that’s angsty to fluff and then smut for Oscar where reader gets a ton of hate for dating Oscar so she kind of ghosts him for a bit and they figure things out

𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐢 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐰/𝐨𝐩𝟖𝟏

📖𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆: oscar really just wants to hear you laugh again. 📖𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: 18+ only. angst. fluff. happy ending. reader is exhausted physically and mentally. reader's internal monologue is not not nice. bad eating habits. bad sleeping habit. self-deprecation. don't worry she's back on her bs at the end. reader neglects herself (?) and her relationship. implied self-sabotage. people are mean. don't worry oscar is meaner. oscar piastri is a good boyfriend. emotional hurt/comfort. tenderness. intimacy. baths and pampering. crying (non-sexy). implied sex. implied bath sex. logan and lando as plot devices. no beta we die like my will to live during finals. 📖𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 5.1k words. 📖𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴: oscar piastri x fem!reader 📖𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: oneshot w/ blurbs. 📖𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗸: best i ever had • drake

𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲: sorry it took me so long, i've changed this fic like multiple times :/ hope it fulfills you request properly :))) this is not my favorite thing in the world, i feel like if i went on a smaller scale i would've enjoyed this more but what can you do. this is also not very black reader coded? idk but feel like it's lacking there. i also apologize for my inability to write an oscar fic without including lando, he's such a willing plot device though even if he's a little ooc. i also couldn't find the mental space to write smut but there's smth for you at the end. dedicated to us women in stem! i hope you have fun reading this because i didn't have fun writing it :)

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oscar is worried. you haven’t responded to his texts for a week, he hasn’t seen your face for two weeks, and he hasn’t heard your voice for three weeks. four weeks ago, you told him you wouldn’t be able to fly out to see him at the austin grand prix, like you promised. you sounded exhausted and incredibly guilty when you explained that your course load this semester is extreme, and finals are rapidly approaching. oscar understood; he won’t ask you to sacrifice your education for one of his races, there will be plenty you can come to in the future. what he doesn’t understand is how you’re still functioning. it’s your senior year of university at an american ivy league school, you're pursuing an engineering degree, and you’re also working nearly five days a week as a barista. oscar thinks the last time he’s seen you relaxed is before your fall semester started, you spent your entire summer break with him, making appearances at the only three races you’ve been to this season (silverstone, hungary, and spa). the last time he recalls seeing your smile and hearing your laugh is in august—it’s the end of october now.

you’ve been ghosting him. oscar wants to believe that it’s unintentional, that it’s just a side effect of the amount of work and pressure on your shoulders—but he can’t accept that. if you were unintentionally missing his calls, facetimes, and texts, you’d spam respond to all of them with a voice message or paragraphs of texts before you went to bed or class. you would send him daily or weekly recap videos of how life is treating you, like you used to do. you would send him stupid videos of you messing around on your shifts during a pause of customers. you would send him thirty reels a day on instagram of brain dead shenanigans with little captions of how you reacted, or if you thought it would make him smile. you would send him fit checks every morning before you went to class, even though your outfit consists of a hoodie and sweatpants. you would send him tiktok edits of himself and tell him that he needs to stop being ‘so hot’ because you almost barked in the middle of class. you would ask him how he’s doing, you would respond to his texts the minute you could even if it's hours late, you would leave him voicemails if he doesn’t pick up, you would make an attempt to communicate.

except, you haven’t. so, he knows that you ignoring him is intentional, and that your lifestyle right now makes it easier for you to disguise your avoidance of him as accidental.

you didn’t say ‘i love you’ back.

“mate, what are you frowning for?” oscar jumps, eyes flying up from the phone screen and meeting lando’s. the brit is staring at him in confusion, the two of them are still in their race suits, tied around their waists. the sprint race ended an hour ago, and they’ve just finished celebrating oscar’s win.

“you’ve won a race, oscar—what could possibly make you sad after that?” lando says teasingly. but, the smile on his face is quick to fade as he must see oscar’s dejected mood.

the australian debates his next move for a moment, before deciding that telling lando isn’t a bad idea; they’ve been getting closer—they’re friends, oscar would say. he sighs, and hands his phone to lando, maybe he’ll tell oscar he’s worrying over nothing.

“oh,” lando says, eyes widening, “i’m sorry, mate.”

oscar brushes off lando’s words, and buries his face in his hands, “she’s pulling away from me. that was five days ago, and she hasn’t answered any of my calls. she’s only responded to my texts since then with one word answers or very dryly. she’s ghosting me.”

oscar feels lando fumbling for words, not needing to look at him to know that the older man has no idea how to go about reassuring oscar.

“look, mate, if it were me i’d go see her anyways.”

oscar huffs, “she literally said she doesn’t have time.”

“oscar,” lando stares at him in disbelief, “she hasn’t seen you in two months. i guarantee she’s probably dying to see you again, fuck whatever time she doesn’t have. she also can’t ghost you, if you see her face to face. you should go and try to fix whatever’s wrong, before you let her slip away.”

“maybe…maybe she’s just burnt out,” oscar suggests shakily, “i’ll go see her after the triple header–i’m probably just overreacting about this. she’ll be back to her usual self in time.”

oscar is enraged. he’s pissed off at his fans for attacking you in a sick twist of ‘defending him,’ ‘protecting him’ and the supposed ‘ownership’ they think they have over him. he’s pissed off at you deciding to ghost him instead of confiding in him about the hate you receive. he’s pissed off that his flight to you has been delayed for four hours. he’s pissed off at his race in brazil, if you can even call what happened a race. he’s pissed off at the fact that you can’t make time to see him before vegas. he’s pissed off that you lied to him about picking up extra shifts at the cafe.

he stalked through your instagram the minute after he was allowed to escape debrief, hunting down your roomates accounts from where you’ve tagged them in an older post. he innocently made a group message to the two girls, figuring it would be kind and proper to inform them of his impending arrival to surprise you. and the two girls you shared an apartment with responded eagerly to his message telling him that you’ve been extremely stressed and almost depressed this semester, and that hopefully his appearance will break through to you in a way they are unable to. oscar asked them if they knew your work schedule for the week, since you never told him when you're working–and learned that you lied. you didn’t accept any extra shifts, matter of fact, you got all of your shifts covered for the next two weeks. apparently, all you have been doing is going to class, working, studying furiously, and crying. when he asks if there’s any reason besides the stress from work and school that has you crying, the girls decline to speak for you, and strongly suggest that he asks you himself when he arrives.

oscar’s no longer pissed at you for lying to him or for ghosting him–he’s hurt, but, he already understands your motive. you don’t want to worry him, so you bottle it up and distance yourself to not make him aware of how you're struggling. he won’t let you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone anymore, he’s going to see you and he’s going to take care of you, and then he’ll sort out the ignorant people on the internet.

when he’s at your apartment, you’ll be coming home from your last shift before your time off. and then, once he has you in his arms, he can make everything right again.

your hands are shaking; a result from the mix of stress and exhaustion that has been plaguing you for a few weeks. it takes you four and a half attempts to unlock the front door to your apartment—this is an improvement, yesterday it took you six times. a trembling sigh of relief exits your lungs as you shut the front door, triple checking that you lock the door properly. you remove all of your outerwear and slip out of your shoes, half-heartedly making an attempt to neatly place them in the organizer you have by the door. (you fail to register how there’s only two pairs of shoes stored away; yours and a pair of shoes that look too big to be one of the girls you live with—the usual sneakers the girls wear are nowhere to be seen.) you grunt as you tenderly put on your backpack and slowly make your way into the kitchen, off-handedly murmuring a “hi,” in the direction of the living room since you can hear the tv playing, but you don’t even spare a glance to see which roommate it is—you can’t stomach anymore human interaction today.

your walk is more of a waddle; your legs and feet are sore from working nine-hour shifts five days in a row, and also from going to class four out of those five days. you place your backpack on the small island, and continue to gently meander towards the fridge. your stomach aches at the thought of food—which is unfortunate, considering you’ve only had one meal today. regardless, you will shove a sandwich down your throat, you need the energy if you’re going to study for three hours before you go to bed.

you pause before you open the fridge, a note is stuck on the door with a magnet. your roommates are gone; the two girls have spontaneously decided to go spend the weekend with their boyfriends—you’re not going to complain, you have the apartment to yourself. a brief wave of loneliness washes over you, you were kind of looking forward to venting about the week you had to the girls in the morning, and also, couldn’t they have texted you this earlier today? who leaves old-fashioned notes on the fridge anymore? you pull out your phone to send a text in your group chat wishing them a nice weekend, and see that they did, in fact, text you that they would be gone—three days ago. and, you never responded, because you never saw it. you shrug, and send the text anyways, you’ve been incredibly busy and you’re bound to miss a few texts (especially the eighteen texts from oscar that remain unopened).

you're just going through a little bit of a slump, and you’ve had a bad day. you accidentally messed up three orders today (out of the hundred you fulfilled, so three isn’t really terrible), your running off of four hours of sleep (you’re more energized when you sleep less, anyways), and a customer accidentally bumped into you as you were walking to bring coffee to a table, causing the hot liquid to spill and burn a little spot on the back of your hand by your thumb. well, you know it wasn’t purely accidental, as the girl giggled to the group of friends she was with after she “bumped” into you. based on the way she was wearing a mclaren hoodie, you can make several guesses as to why she did it—you’re kind of shocked that she noticed you even though you wear a mask at work (you have for about a month, too many fans have noticed who you are), her hate for a relationship that’s not hers should be studied for science.

incidents like these have made your coworkers start to…dislike you. the decrease in tips when you’re assigned to the register causes you to be forced to be hidden behind coffee machines the entire shift, only making drinks the entire nine hours you’re there. it’s better for you though, at least you can have a physical barrier blocking the prying eyes you feel are judging you the entire time. if anything, the recent atmosphere at work made you want to put in your two weeks—but, you have bills to pay. you’re just glad you managed to find a way to get two weeks off so you can focus on school and prepare for your exams—you can’t afford to fail, it’ll cost your scholarship and then you’ll need more than the job you have right now to finish school.

the buzzing of your phone pulls you back to the present—oscar’s calling. you squeeze your eyes shut for a few seconds, before you blink and silence the ringer. if you speak to him, you won’t be able to hide your troubles from him any longer; he reads you as easily as a kid’s picture book. he definitely doesn’t need to deal with your problems after whatever the hell happened in brazil. the noise of your phone startled you into a new thought, however. if the girls aren’t in the apartment, why the fuck is the tv on? who did you greet when you walked past the main room without a glance?

“i was calling to tell you that i’ve got takeout from the asian restaurant you like, if you’re looking for something to eat,” oscar says gently.

it’s a testament to how extremely exhausted you are: you don’t scream, you don’t fight, you don’t run—you just flinch slightly, and turn around slowly to face your boyfriend…the man you’ve been avoiding for nearly a month. at the sight of him (his fluffy hair, his soft sweater, the confused and concerned glint in his eyes) your lip starts quivering, and your eyes start watering. oscar’s gaze softens into something sweet yet empathic, and he says, “i know it’s been a while since we’ve last talked, but i didn’t think you’d cry at the sight of me.”

you burst into tears with a sob, and in a second oscar’s got you wrapped up in his arms, one hand soothingly massaging your back, while the other cradles your head on his shoulder. your borderline hyperventilating, your tears have started to soak his sweater, and you’re sniffling every two seconds to avoid getting snot on him too. oscar doesn’t try to quiet your tears, he doesn’t ask about what’s making you cry, he doesn’t even try to tell you that everything will be fine—he just holds you as you cry it out and presses kisses into your hair. eventually, the flow of tears dries and you focus on pulling in shaky breaths of air to calm down. oscar switches to holding you to his chest with one arm while he uses the free one to reach across the counter and grab a tissue. wordlessly, he wipes the wetness off your cheeks and under-eyes, he even uses another tissue to wipe your nose, clearing away the snot that managed to escape. you almost start crying again at the tender treatment and the matching look in his eyes, but you muster enough strength to keep the happy tears from falling over the waterline.

oscar nods once, deeming his cleanup complete, and clears his throat, “i’m going to heat up the food. then, we’ll eat and you’ll tell me what’s wrong and if that has anything to do with why you’re ignoring me.”

there’s no attempt from you to keep the façade up any longer, all you do is nod and step to the side so he can grab the food from the fridge.

oscar has already cleared his plate and you’re still picking through half of yours. the two of you are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, teen wolf is playing on a low volume, and your eyes are tunneled on the screen even though oscar can see that you’re not paying attention at all. one of the characters is screaming about having to get his arm cut off (stiles, probably) and suddenly you start talking to oscar.

“it’s been a shit semester. if i wasn’t graduating in spring, i honestly think i would’ve dropped out or taken a gap-year. and, i knew what i signed up for as an engineering major, and i knew that working was only going to add more on my plate—but, it’s not like i can quit my job, i have bills to pay. so, juggling school and work is difficult, and i was managing fine. but, i guess i made the mistake of scrolling through twitter—which is truly my fault i think—and everyone on the internet was calling me a ‘terrible girlfriend’,” oscar watches you scoff out a choked laugh, “and, i obviously didn’t believe i was. in the beginning, at least. i mean, it’s like they expected me to be at every race by your side, like i’m not working my way through a hellscape of a degree. i watched every practice session, qualifying, and race—they’re literally the only hours i don’t spend studying or working. i brag about you to everybody who would listen, i missed hours of sleep just to speak to you on the phone for five minutes, i work as hard as i can so i can finish this degree early so i can be with you as early as possible, and they say that you deserve a better girlfriend.”

you pause and rub at your eyes furiously, mouth opening and closing as you take time to find the words to continue. oscar quiets the flare of anger at your distress, and stays silent, not wanting to interrupt your speech, this is the most you’ve said to him in a month.

“the thing is: i-i i let their words get to me. i think it’s because i was being kicked while i was down—or whatever the phrase is. i was already mentally exhausted, and i already believe that i’m not doing my best this year, i’m disappointing everybody who knows me, i’m a shit student—and just seeing everybody agree, even though they’re just randoms on the internet, tore me down. i even deleted all of the apps off my phone,” your voice has shifted into something desperate, “so i couldn’t see what they were saying about me anymore, but it’s like once i saw it, it never left my mind. i feel like everybody is staring at me with condescending eyes, like they all think i’m terrible. and, logically, i know that’s probably not true. but, this semester has pushed me past the point of being able to rationalize properly. so as a result, i have become a ‘terrible girlfriend’ to you; like a twisted self-fulfilling prophecy.

“i avoid your calls, i leave you on delivered for days, i respond with one word, i lie to my friends and say i was up all night talking to you on the phone when i was really crying and studying at the same time, i hold back from bursting into tears in the middle of my shifts when one of your ‘fangirls’ spills their drink over me for the third time. and while doing all of this, i was hoping you’d do the hard part and just break up with me,” your voice rings out sharply and you refuse to look at your boyfriend, afraid to see the look on his face.

“because…” you whimper slightly, tongue flicking out to lick at your lips anxiously, “you do deserve a better girlfriend.”

oscar is lost for words at your conclusion; seeing you, one of the strongest women he knows break down, is a sight he never imagined. a sense of guilt builds within him, knowing that he’s added to the deprecating thoughts in your brain by postponing this intervention for weeks. you may think that he deserves someone better, but he hasn’t been the best to you either recently. if oscar was half the man you think he is, he would’ve never allowed you to avoid him in the first place. oscar stands up, collects your plate and his, and places them on the coffee table. he turns and drops to his knees in front of you, resting his hands on your thighs, and squeezes them gently to grab your attention. it takes a minute, but eventually you allow your eyes to fall to meet his, and oscar breaks further at the lack of light in your eyes.

“i think,” oscar starts quietly, “that you expect me to break up with you and leave—am i guessing correctly?”

you blink down at him and shrug, biting your lip to prevent it from quivering.

“i also think, that if i flew all this way to see you, and that if i listened to your heartbreaking recollection of how this semester and how the world has been incredibly unkind to you, and that if i sat here and still broke up you—it’s not me that deserves a better girlfriend; it’s you that deserves a better boyfriend.”

stunned, you stumble over your disagreement, but oscar steadfastly continues.

“you did the right thing by deleting your socials—and that would explain why all three hundred of the reels i’ve sent you have gone unseen,” he laughs lightly, “and even if their words took root, you prevented yourself from being able to see more of it every time you used your phone; so even if my pride is not needed, i am proud of you for doing that. i’m even more proud that you sat here and told me that you aren’t doing well, that you didn’t make an attempt to lie, and that i didn’t have to force you to tell me,” oscar says seriously, holding steady eye contact with you to make sure you're hearing him.

“i wish that you would have mentioned the hate you’re receiving as soon as it started, and that you would have told me your mental health was suffering too. you know i do everything in my power to avoid reading anything with my name in it unless it’s a credible article—so imagine my surprise, when i learned about what people were saying about you through a twitter thread logan, of all people texted me about,” you snort out a laugh at the feigned disdain in oscar’s voice when he mentions the american driver.

“you know i have no issues embarrassing people on the internet for their incorrect claims—and i’d especially tear them to shreds for trying to drag you down. we’ve been together too long for you not to come to me about things like this, even if it’s something that mildly upsets you—i want to know, because then i can make it better, or i can at least try to. you haven’t complained to me about the grueling lifestyle once, as i worked my way up to f1; if anybody could be perfect, it would be you. so, let me try to be as perfect as you, and support you properly and thoroughly as you finish up this degree, baby.

“we’re soulmates, aren’t we?” it’s a question, but oscar states it like a fact, “and i know i can’t magically make the self-loathing disappear with one conversation, but i'll tell you that you’re the best girlfriend i’ve ever had countless times, until you believe me unquestionably.”

oscar watches your nose scrunch cutely as you sniffle, unable to stop the tears that leak from the corners of your eyes. sweetly, he catches them with his thumb before they fall. he stands up and tugs you to your feet, pulling you into a tight, warm hug.

“i love you, kanga,” oscar coos as he kisses your forehead.

“i love you the most, roo,” you answer back, leaning up to press a kiss to the corner of his lips.

“i’ve bought some lavender epsom salt and an embarrassing amount of bath bombs. will you let me take care of you tonight?” oscar asks quietly.

he sees the mix of awed-disbelief and confusion as you stare up at him, like you can’t imagine why he’d want to love you tenderly tonight, and that hurts him more—the words of his ‘fans’ online have done enough damage to cause you to doubt him. maybe he can convince you to come to vegas with him so he can keep you close, but first, he needs to focus on caring for you here and now.

oscar grabs his duffle bag and smiles as you hold his hand to lead him to your room and the attached bathroom (rent is ridiculously expensive, but at least you don’t have to share a bathroom with your roommates.) oscar sends you to grab pajamas while he starts filling the tub, epsom salt already poured in. he fiddles with the temperature for a while before it’s set to the boiling-your-skin-off hot you enjoy. by the time you join him in the bathroom, he’s added the salts and soap in the water and has placed the bath bombs out for you to choose one. oscar can’t help the small smile that rises to his face at the sight of the serious furrow of your brow as you pick out your favorite from the bunch.

oscar hums as you hand him the jade-infused bath bomb, and asks, “can i wash your hair too? or will it mess up your schedule?”

“i actually really need to wash it,” you murmur with a humorless chuckle, “i’ve been so busy that i haven’t been taking care of my hair properly.”

oscar blinks and continues non-judgmentally, “i’ll give you an extra scalp massage to make up for that—you can start getting undressed now, the water’s nearly ready.”

he turns around awkwardly, he’s seen you naked before but he feels like it would be slightly perverse to watch you while you’re clearly in a more sensitive state tonight. he fumbles with the faucet for a few seconds before turning it off, and drops the bath bomb into the water so it can start dispersing. oscar faces you again carefully making sure he avoids staring at your body and locks eyes with you, he beckons you forward with an outstretched hand and holds your hand as you submerge yourself in the water. once you’re settled comfortably, oscar grabs your hair products (he holds up any bottle he thinks you may not want to use tonight, and you give him a thumbs up or down to decide), and then kneels at your side.

he starts to roll up the sleeves of the hoodie but your hand halts his motions, the water splashing loudly at the quickness of your movement, “you’re not getting in with me?”

“uh,” oscar stutters, “i-i wasn’t planning on it. i just wanted to give you a nice bath.”

oscar pinkens as you stare at him wordlessly and when your unimpressed gaze shifts to a slight glare, he finds himself shedding his clothes and sinking in behind you at an impressive speed.

his heart began to race as the two of you shifted into as comfortable of a position you could achieve in a too-small tub, but calmed at your pleased hum as you settled between his legs with your back resting on his chest. this may be the most romantic experience oscar has ever indulged in. sure, it’s not a candlelit dinner at an obnoxiously expensive restaurant but, it’s him detangling your hair, it’s him massaging shampoo into your crown, it’s him scratching softly along your scalp as the deep conditioner sits, it’s you playing with the water innocently, it’s you whispering every detail of your life that he’s missed out on, it’s you gently directing him through braiding your hair, and it’s him pressing kisses to your shoulder when he finishes. there isn’t a single moment where the two of you become unsettled during lapses of silence; the intimacy of his actions is loud enough to fill the gaps. oscar can’t imagine ever being this comfortable with anybody besides you, he hates that he almost allowed you to pull completely away from him. moments like these, where you allow yourself to be thoughtlessly vulnerable with him, are exactly why he’s completely enamored with you.

your body has loosened against him, muscles syrupy and lax from the effects of a toe-curling scalp massage, and oscar gently guides you to sit upright while steadying most of your weight with a single hand splayed against your abdomen. the sound of the cap of your body wash clicking open startles you into the present, and you shift around to straddle his lap. it’s amusing; he inaudibly chuckles at the sight of you struggling to complete your change of position without sending water over the edge. you make a triumphant noise when you’ve managed to turn around to face him, and oscar’s hands cradle your hips when you rest on his lap.

“can i–”

“shouldn’t you–”

oscar bursts into laughter and you into giggles, at the interruption of each other's sentences. it’s definitely not that funny, but oscar’s heart skips a beat at the sound of your laugh–he hasn’t heard that sweet noise in what feels like forever. he motions for you to speak, ever the gentleman, and eagerly awaits for our question with a smile still stretched across his lips.

“shouldn’t you fuck me before we wash up? so we don’t have to clean up twice?”

oscar chokes on his breath, his grip on you tightening in surprise, and he babbles, “what? no-i mean, yes, i mean—wait. i didn’t do all of this just to have sex with you, you know that right? i genuinely just wanted to pamper you–”

“oscar,” you cut him off, intentionally this time around, “after the semester i’ve had, and the less than kind words i’ve heard and thoughts i’ve had describing myself–i really do appreciate the bath, i feel reminded that you love me. however, i really think that having sex would help…solidify your devotion for me.”

oscar blinks up at you, he wasn’t quite expecting you to return to your normal sassy behavior as quickly as you did. but, he is thankful that you’ve opened up to him with no further hesitation–it’s actually incredibly attractive of you, how you’ve resumed complete comfortability in expressing exactly what you want to him. at least, that’s the excuse he’s telling himself to cope with being half-hard already.

“...at least let me take you to bed, then?”

“no,” you whine down at him, your hips sneakily twitching forward, oscar moans lightly at the light grind, “too far! saves time later if we don’t have to come back to shower.”

“you’re right,” oscar hums distractedly, moving his right hand off your waist to slip between your thighs and brush along your cunt, “i’ll fuck you here as long as you let me do all of the work.”

oscar’s blood heats at the sound of your whimpering moan and he takes his other hand off your waist to grab at your chin and he pulls you down for a kiss.

oscar groans when you pause before your lips touch his, and he feels the breath of your giggle ghost over his mouth, “mmm, i’ll never say no to that—and, didn’t i agree to let you take care of me tonight?”

taglist: @saintslewis @cherry2stems @lorarri @inloveallthetime @mindless-rock @biancathecool @barnestatic @my-ylenia @katekipshidze @darleneslane @lovingaphroditesworld @smoothopz

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incendio22 · 2 years ago

Text

FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL

Part 2: Year 7

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Author's note: Some reflections about pt 1 and some thoughts on pt 2

Hi my lovelies,

I am so thankful for everyone who took their time to read this, to comment or to like. But mostly, I'm glad you like my version of Sebastian(or at least the ''normal'' version of him, when he's not self sabotaging). I am constantly surprised and extremely flattered when I see that you appreciate this story. I never imagined so many people would read it and actually like it enough to keep reading. I think my most surrealistic moment was seeing people recommending this fic in some comments on TikTok. I literally had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn't imagining things. Thank you, each and every one of you.♡

When I played the game Hogwarts Legacy I was so captured by his storyline and I felt as if they could have done so much more, which is why I started writing this. I felt the same with Ominis' storyline and his connection to Voldemort, although I was confused how I would make that into a story. Finally, I had some ideas and decided to start writing.

As you know I was conflicted whether or not I should write a 2nd part to this story. But honestly, I'm too invested in this to stop here. I know the ending isn't what you hoped for and I will tell you, it's not what I planned either. But since I'm writing a 2nd part(which I already started writing on and will post chapters as soon as possible) I couldn't do the ending I originally wanted, hence the very disappointing end.

When I decided that I would write about their 7th year I decided that I didn't want to repeat the 6th year all over. We need something new to build a story on. Y/n's heart is broken and she is in her villain(read: bad bitch) era when she returns to Hogwarts, determined not to ever let a man hurt her like that again. But like I've written, if it's right - you know. And if two people are meant to be, they will find their way back to each other.

Hopefully, you aren't too disappointed and are still excited for Y/n's last year at Hogwarts, because I certainly am. I can't wait to show you where this year takes us and what happens after.

My main goal was to write about a soft and kind love, something healthy. But of course, Sebastian is broken, and has his issues. I do not want to romanticize or excuse his bad behaviour when he is feeling down, which is also why I made Y/n leave at the end and set boundaries. But I also want to highlight that the good love that I write about does exist.

I will continue to post almost everyday, and tomorrow you will have the first chapter from part 2. This week(last week of Feb-23) is very intense for me and I have to prioritize my energy, which might result in fewer chapters this specific week.

Also a little fun fact: The smell that Y/n doesn't recognize in her Amortentia, which turns out to be Sebastian's perfume, I pictured smelling like Gentle Fluidity Silver from Maison Francis Kurkdijan.

Also, I made you a playlist on Spotify that fits the theme and vibe of this fanfiction(yes, this is part of my love language). You find it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/26ysRl6LGmrV0ufITDjkBD?si=f045fa370f7941b1

Take care ♡

#sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x reader #sebastian sallow x you #hogwarts legacy #ominis gaunt #slytherin #fanfic #fanfiction #for the hope of it all

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whimsicaldragonette · 1 year ago

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Blog Tour and ARC Review: Love Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood

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Publication Date: June 13, 2023

Welcome to the Love Theoretically book tour with Berkley Publishing Group. (This blog tour post is also posted on my Wordpress book review blog Whimsical Dragonette.)

Synopsis:

The many lives of theoretical physicist Elsie Hannaway have finally caught up with her. By day, she’s an adjunct professor, toiling away at grading labs and teaching thermodynamics in the hopes of landing tenure. By other day, Elsie makes up for her non-existent paycheck by offering her services as a fake girlfriend, tapping into her expertly honed people pleasing skills to embody whichever version of herself the client needs. Honestly, it’s a pretty sweet gig—until her carefully constructed Elsie-verse comes crashing down. Because Jack Smith, the annoyingly attractive and broody older brother of her favorite client, turns out to be the cold-hearted experimental physicist who ruined her mentor’s career and undermined the reputation of theorists everywhere. And that same Jack who now sits on the hiring committee at MIT, right between Elsie and her dream job. Elsie is prepared for an all-out war of scholarly sabotage but…those long, penetrating looks? Not having to be anything other than her true self when she’s with him? Will falling into an experimentalist’s orbit finally tempt her to put her most guarded theories on love into practice?

Author Bio:

I’m originally from Italy, lived in Japan and Germany, and eventually moved to the US to pursue a Ph.D. in Neuroscience. I recently became a professor, which absolutely terrifies me. When I’m not at work you can find me binge-watching shows with my three feline overlords (and my slightly less feline husband), running, or eating candy.

I’m represented by the amazing Thao Le of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

My Rating: ★★★★★

*My Review and Favorite Quotes below the cut.

My Review:

The things I love best about Ali Hazelwood's books are the bitingly accurate portrayals of what it's like to be a woman in STEM academia. They are consistent and really highlight how much work needs to be done in regards to workplace equality. At the same time, the characters all display a realistic passion for the sciences and an inherent social awkwardness that, as a former Caltech student, really ring true and make the book feel like coming home. The romances are a little bit formulaic with the small woman, big hulking man trope, but they center ideas of being true to yourself and finding out what you really want. The leading men are always decent, kind, considerate and willing to (eventually) treat the women with care and understanding. It was painful to watch Elsie contort her personality to fit whatever she thought the person she was interacting with would want to see, and I was so happy to see her work to shake those habits and learn to stand up for what *she* wants. Jack was hugely instrumental in helping her on the road to finding herself and it was so refreshing. The fake dating plotline was hilarious, as was Jack's grandmother Millicent. I loved their relationship. Every time I read an Ali Hazelwood novel I am transported back to my days as an aspiring scientist and they make me seriously nostalgic for both the good and bad parts of being in STEM and I find myself eager for the next hit of that nostalgia. There seriously aren't enough romances that capture that feeling of the peculiar world that is STEM academia. *Thanks to NetGalley and Berkley for providing an early copy for review.

Favorite Quotes:

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a room so full of honesty before, but I’m positive that not a single lie has been uttered since I came into this house. It’s exhilarating, but in a stomach-dropping way. Like a roller coaster, or eating blue cheese.

---

“There is no guarantee that—“ “There is no guarantee that we won’t be suctioned off the surface of the earth by a demonically possessed vacuum cleaner.”

#ali hazelwood #love theoretically #the love hypothesis #STEM romance #berkley #netgalley #shilo reads #arc review #best books of 2023 #favorites #blog tour

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miekasa · 3 years ago

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speaking of college boys, what do the college au aot babies study??

Okay, okay, I think I’ve talked about this in an ask before but I can’t find it 😭😭 but it’s okay, I love college aus, so I’ll talk about it again! Plus, now I’ve got more thoughts for more characters, so here we go

Levi — neuroscience and psychology of human behavior

He started out on track to do a bachelor of arts in psychology, but when they touched on the anatomy and biological parts of it during his first year lecture, he switched to a bachelor of science.

The focus is still psychology, but through a more clinical lens. Essentially, he gets the best of both worlds this way. He’s intuitive and analytical, so clinical and mental diagnosis is easy to dissect for him. He’s also canonically good at math, so the calculus and stats parts aren’t too bad, either.

This major also leaves him with a few options post-grad, which is a nice bonus for him. He’s likely going to medical school, but that’s not the only route open to him: law school, therapy, lab work, medicine and pharmacy, even teaching are all viable options without going to grad school.

Do not talk to him about Freud unless you wanna get punted off a building.

Be careful with him, because with a single glance he’s already got scarily accurate predictions about your parental and emotional attachment styles, your behavior in social settings, and the onset (or seemingly lack thereof) of your frontal lobe development.

He thinks he’s so smart making comments like, “I see those synaptic connections aren’t working so well for you today,” like mf come here let me lobotomize you and see how well your synaptic connects are working after that🙄

Eren — general health sciences

He’s interested in science and the discovery aspects of it, but picking a specific field of focus right now feels too final. He likes it this way, because his schedule and requirements are less restrictive, and he has more room to find out what really interests him.

He does best when he’s doing something he loves, so picking a major with a bunch of reqs that he couldn’t care less about would have sucked big time for him. It also would have affected his grades. There are still some classes he has to take that he’s not fond of (see: chemistry), but that’s to be expected. Science in general is cool to him and he hopes to make his own discovery some day, even if it’s microscopic.

He also plays a lot of sports, keeping his schedule flexible is important. The sports end up helping him excel academically, which is a nice bonus. Honestly, Eren uses his time at university to learn more about himself than anything, so having control and freedom to do what he likes the majority of the time was important to him.

He uses his elective credits to take philosophy or history courses of his interest, or maybe even a course that you’re in just to spend time with you. He also uses you as a live model for his homework bye, congrats on being patient number one to him.

Armin — astronomy and physics

He’s still interested in marine biology, but unless he attended a school near a coast, or with a specialized integrated program for that, it’s unlikely he’d major in it during undergrad.

Space and ocean exploration aren’t all that different. Both are vast, largely unexplored domains that reel-in Armin’s interest for discovery. So, while studying astronomy, he still gets to study evolution and make his own predictions about what could be out there because there’s so much to know.

Physics comes with the territory of learning about planetary science, and he’s mathematically inclined, so it works out for him. Learning about the different physical properties of other planets and space masses is honestly pretty sick to him. Because math isn’t a struggle, he actually considered aeronautical engineering, but he didn’t want to be a part of the college to military pipeline; that is, he didn’t want any potential design of his to be weaponized.

He still gets to study animal biology through his elective courses, and might even find a few focused on marine animals to satiate him. Plant and cell biology are also of interest to him, and are just further applications of his primary study anyway, so he’s got plenty of room to work with.

This boy is interning at NASA and still, with his whole chest out is like, “I don’t need to discover a new planet, you’re my whole world.” Armin, go check on the Mars rover or something please.

Mikasa — anthropology + minor in japanese language studies

Anthropology is virtually interdisciplinary in nature, and Mikasa is a pretty well rounded student, so she’s able to excel in a program like this. She gets to study history, science, cultural studies, and even a bit of art all at once.

She’s still debating between going to law school vs med school, so anthro this is a good in-betweener. She gets a taste of science through her anatomy and kin courses; and lots of practice with reading and dissecting texts through the historical and cultural lectures. So, when the time comes to decide, she’ll have some experience with both.

Don’t know whether it’s confirmed that she’s (part) Japanese or not, but either way I headcanon that she speaks/spoke some second language at home. She wanted to delve more into it, and courses were offered at the university so why not?

Cultural studies courses end up being her favorite. She likes learning about the history of people and their cultures, and it encourages her to learn more about her own family history and culture. It also propels her to apply for a study abroad opportunity, so she spends at least one semester doing an exchange program and absolutely loves it.

She would also encourage you to apply and go, too. You guys might not be in the same program, but if there’s an applicable program in the same country she’s going to, then she’d definitely want you to apply. Spending the semester away with you would be a dream come true.

Hange — bioengineering + minor in political philosophy and law

It’s almost self-sabotage to be in an engineering program and have a minor; the coursework for engineering alone is backbreaking, and bioengineering has the added weight of human intricacies, but of course Hange makes it possible.

They’re nothing short of a genius, so of course they have time to work a completely unrelated minor into their schedule. It doesn’t surprise anyone that they go on to complete an MD-PhD after undergrad. Insane.

Bioengineering is essentially the synthesis of chemical engineering and health sciences; Hange spends their time exploring biological sciences and applies the engineering aspects of their coursework to their understanding of (and interest in creating) medicine. Truly a one of a kind mind.

They also have an interest in philosophy and justice, so when they found out they only needed a measly nine or ten courses to minor in, they went for it, of course. In honesty, they don’t find the studies all that opposing: both law making and medicine making both have some kind of philosophy or method to them in their eyes.

Hange has... little to no free time pls. They don’t mind it, because they love their coursework, but this means you are essentially ducking into their labs or scrambling to find them in-between their classes during your time in undergrad. They appreciate every second spent with you tho, and will gladly rope you into long discussions about their work.

Jean — biochemistry + minor in art sustainability

He was undeclared his first year, and took a little bit of everything: art, science, history, anthropology, english. Basically, anything that fit into his schedule. It was hard for him to pick one thing—he liked the science and lab applications of STEM courses, but not the math; and the obvious painting and creativity of art, but hated the pretentious air about art history.

What he wants to do is make a difference, which is how he ends up knowing that he wants to go to med school after, so he picks a science-heavy major, but uses his elective spaces to take art courses. When he mixes the two, he ends up on sustainability—and the complexities about it that are applicable to both science and art are what really reels him in.

Interdisciplinary studies end up being his forte. He can approach sustainability from a science perspective which impacts his art style and materials; and tuning into his creative side allows him to think about science not just from a purely clinical perspective, but from a human one, too—patients are people after all.

He believes that everything is connected somehow, even things as seemingly opposite as art and biochemistry. And he works towards finding the unique intersection where everything overlaps. His studies are pretty cool, and he’s very passionate about them, so ask him about it 😌

The art he makes is pretty sick, too, and often commentary about science; he’s proving they’re not so opposite. You also heavily influence his studies in both areas: caring about you so much inspires him to take the healthcare focus seriously, and your very nature is inspiration to his art.

Sasha — nursing

She’s friendly and good at working with people, so nursing was an easy choice for her. She accredits most of her motivation to being around her younger family members, and learns that she finds a simple kind of joy in helping to take care of others.

She struggles a bit her first year when it’s mostly all grades and standardized testing, but when she starts getting clinical experience and working in the hospital on campus, things round out for her.

Patient care is her strongest point. A lot of people often forget that knowing everything isn’t everything; if you don’t know how to calm or even just talk to your patient, you’re not that great of a healthcare professional.

Pretty certain that she wants to work with kids in the future, but she’s open to public health and even being a travel nurse if she finds opportunity there!

Of course, she’s pretty doting when it comes to you and all her friends. She might want to go into pediatrics, but the basics of nursing and health care extend to everyone, so you’re guaranteed to be well taken care of with Sasha around. You might even have to switch roles and take care of her sometimes, because her coursework can get pretty out of hand.

Connie — computer engineering with a focus on game design

He might not look it, but Connie has a brain under that shaved head of his. Computer engineering is cool to him because he basically learns about how simple things he uses every day (ie: phone, computer, microwave) works.

Systems and coding are actually the easy part for him, especially when they get into the application of it and aren’t just stuck looking at examples. That’s how he gets into game design.

The part about math and electricity and magnetic fields… well let’s just say he needed to make friends with someone who likes math and hardware his first year to get through it. But the struggle was worth it, because by his junior year he’s found a professor willing to mentor/supervise him as he works on his game and other projects, so life is good.

His school work is definitely hard, which is why the lives by the mantra of “work hard, party harder.” It’s only fair.

He makes you a little avatar so you can test out his games for him <33 best boyfriend things <33 He’d also… build a game about your relationship. Every level is a different date you guys went on, and he definitely includes something cheesy, like “There are unlimited lives because I love you forever babe <3”

Porco — kinesiology + maybe mechanical engineering

He’s pretty into athletics and working out, but didn’t wanna go down the sports psychology route; he wanted something that left him with a few more options, so he ended up in kinesiology.

He was surprisingly pretty good at biology in high school, so something stem-oriented works out in his favor, and it turns out he’s pretty damn good at anatomy, too. He’ll probably end up in physical therapy after graduation.

He’s also got a knack for cars, which is where the engineering comes in, but he doesn’t care so much for the math part of it (he doesn’t care for it at all actually, fuck that); he just wants the hands on experience of building/fixing things and working with his hands. So, if he can get a minor in it and not struggle through 4 years of math, then he’d do that. If not, he’d take a few workshop-like classes.

Because he wants to go into physical therapy, you are essentially his practice patient. Your back hurts? Not a problem, he’s basically a professional masseuse. Muscle aches? He’s got a remedy and understanding of why it’s happening. Don’t let him catch you hunting over your desk grinding away at your homework, because he will poke your neck and correct your posture (he’ll also massage your shoulders, but after the scolding).

Pieck — classics + minor in philosophy

Ancient studies interest her, but more than that, the language of ancient Greek and Roman culture fascinates her, so classics is the way to go.

Because her focus within Classics ends up being Greek and Latin language studies, she is essentially learning both languages at the same time. She gets farther with Latin that she does with Greek. For whatever reason, the former comes almost naturally to her, so her written and translated work is more complex in Latin.

However, she finds cultural studies relation to Greece more interesting than that of Rome, so it’s a give and take with both; better at languages for Roman studies, better at culture and history for Greek studies.

Her minor is a natural evolution from her primary coursework. Ancient Romans and Greeks set the foundation for a lot of modern day philosophy, so it comes up in her major classes, but she wanted to delve further into the philosophy, and not just look at it historically, so she takes more courses to fulfill the minor.

Can be found laying on a blanket in the quad on a hot day, with her books spread out all around her, highlighter in hand as she works through her reading. You’re always invited to sit with her, and more often than not, it ends up with Pieck’s head in your lap, a book in her hands, and your own schoolwork in yours as you both read in each other’s company.

Bertholdt — computer science and coding

He’s level headed, good at planning, and above all, patient, so he’s cut out for this. He doesn’t consider himself to be particularly creative, which is why he doesn’t pick a speciality with lots of design; but he’s good at streamlining and ideas to life.

The patience really comes in when his code doesn’t run. It’s frustrating to scroll for two hours just to find out that the issue is a missing semi-colon in line 273 that he overlooked, but Berty will sit there until he finds it.

He’s also good at fixing issues. That’s not limited to issues in the code itself; it can mean finding shorter ways to produce the same function or loop, or integrating new aspects into existing code.

Also, he’d just be so cute, coding away on his computer. Just imagine: Berty working on his homework in the library, he’s got his signature crewneck + collared shirt look going for him, his blue-light glasses, a cup of coffee nearly as tall as him sitting at the corner of his desk. Adorable.

He’d make little codes/programs for you, too, even if it’s silly. A simple code that helps you decide what to eat for dinner or where to go on a date, one that shuffles different reminders for you, hell he’ll even forgo the torture of design engineering just to build you a little robot that says “I love you” to you.

Reiner — english + minor in justice & political philosophy

Everyone expects Reiner, star quarterback of the university’s rugby team, to be a business student or communications student; but no, he’s an English major, and he loves it.

Just imagine a guy as huge as Reiner absolutely manhandling someone on the field, just to show up in his lectures with a tiny paperback of The Great Gatsby tucked between his fingers with his reading glasses on. It’s so precious.

He’s always running a bit late to class—either coming from the gym, or practice, or oversleeping from exhaustion—but he’s so sweet to his professors and genuinely interested in the literature that they don’t give him a hard time about it. They can tell that balancing school and sports is difficult, and they just appreciate that he takes his studies seriously.

Yeah he’s in a book club and he dog-ears his books. What about it. They’re doing poetry this month and Reiner actually likes Edgar Allen Poe. Who said jocks can’t be sentimental.

He also reads a lot outside of his classes, and has a soft spot for coming of age stories. He usually empathizes with the main character somehow. His ideal weekend plans after a week of grueling games and essays is taking a long, relaxing shower at your place, while you both share a bottle of wine, and maybe even get you to read a chapter or two of his current book out loud to him.

Annie — clinical psychology/neuroscience

Almost scarily analytical and methodic, so this major was calling her name. Localizing brain legions is… insanely intuitive to her it’s incredible. She’ll be an insanely impressive doctor someday, even if she doesn’t end up working with patients directly.

She doesn’t care too much for the more philosophical/reading heavy parts of psychology. Even experiments and research closer to the social end of the spectrum aren’t all that interesting to her; but the brain science behind it it.

Nobody should be good at cellular biology. Nobody should be able to ace cell bio and neuro and calc and work towards their thesis proposal in the same semester, but Annie proves it’s possible.

Ends up working in one of her professor’s labs by her junior year. She was offered three TA positions working with first year students, but she swiftly turned them down. Teaching isn’t her thing.

She doesn’t bring up her studies to you unprompted, but if you ask her about them she’ll explain it to you. Her notes are color coded and it’s super neat, and very cute; coloring them is somewhat relaxing for her. She usually saves the coloring part for when you guys study together; there’s extra comfort in doing it with you around.

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emerald-chaos · 4 years ago

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Daydream

**gif not mine! credit to the owner**

So, I couldn't help myself. This is a continuation of my previous Bucky fic Insomnia because I just really enjoyed the dynamic between Bucky and the reader. I had a lot of fun writing this part and I love building things up between the two of them. If you guys like this or are interested in seeing more - please let me know! I love talking with people and hearing their ideas and such.

Much love xo.

Pairing: Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 2079

Warnings: cursing, struggles with mental illness, mentions of sex (nothing entirely explicit but better safe than sorry), alcohol use, and really poorly written jokes lmao

Fingers threaded into hair.

Hot, opened-mouth kisses marking every surface of your neck.

Nails trailing down his back leaving raised, red lines in their wake.

“Oh my god,” you groaned as you let your head fall back and continued to rock your hips into the man in front of you.

Strong hands tighten their hold on your hips, sure to leave purplish-blue bruises for the morning.

“C’mon, baby,” he grunted, face buried in your neck as he helped your body to grind against his, “I got you. Let go, fuck, let go for me.”

A pair of slender fingers snapped in front of your line of sight, tearing you from your daydream and bringing you harshly back to reality.

“Hmm, what was that?” You blinked a few times before you turned your attention to the redhead who you, apparently, had been having a conversation with.

“Are you serious?” She laughed, “I’ve been talking for the past 10 minutes! I looked over and you had that far off, glossy look in your eyes. Not to mention you’re bleeding.”

A hand found its way to your lower lip and you realized she was right. You had been so lost in wet dreamland that you chewed a layer of skin off of your lip. You hoped she didn’t notice the heat rising in your face as you cleared your throat, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table.

“Sorry,” you muttered, pressing the tissue against your injured lip, “guess I got lost in thought.”

“Is it one of those flashbacks again?” She asked kindly, facial expression softening.

You nodded quickly, knowing fully well that the statement was a lie. Your gaze drifted over the woman’s shoulder to the subject of your previous thoughts. It would be easier to explain the common occurrence of your PTSD than it would be to explain that you were reminiscing on the hot, steamy, passionate sex you had the night before.

Bucky was situated across the room, leaning against the counter as he talked to Rogers and Wilson. The unfortunately tight, black, short-sleeve t-shirt he was wearing left nothing to the imagination. It accentuated every muscle of the body you had gotten to know so intimately not more than 10 hours ago. His muscular arms were crossed at his chest and he was sporting his signature scowl. Everything about the sight sent a shiver down your spine. You finally had a taste and you wanted more.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Your friend’s voice gained your attention once more.

A small smile found its way to your lips as you met her gaze again. Apart from Bucky, Nat had always been a good trauma buddy of yours. From the beginning she had been someone you felt like you could confide in and someone who would understand your troubles. Sometimes you wondered if a requirement of joining the avengers was to have a fucked up, tragic backstory.

“I’m okay, Nat.” You reassured, “Just got lost in my head again.”

“Whatever you say. Maybe the party tonight will help you get your mind off of things,” She mused as she pushed herself from the couch to stand up. She paused briefly before she turned to you again, “you are coming, right?”

“Yeah,” you snorted, “Tony actually threatened me if I didn’t go this time, so, I guess I have to.”

After the last party you skipped out on, Tony cornered you in the hallway and gave you quite the interrogation. Then he went on a spiel about how staying in your room all day and all night was bad for you and that if he didn’t know better he would think you weren’t appreciative of what he’d done for you and blah, blah, blah. Tony really was a good person underneath all that hair gel. All he wanted was to help you break out of your shell and give you the family he knew you were lacking. That didn’t mean he couldn’t be a pushy asshole.

“Good, I’ll see you there. I’m sure Barnes will too.” A devilish grin painted her lips as she watched your jaw drop. Before you had a chance to say anything she was off down the hallway.

Fuckin’ Natasha.

*******

A pile of clothes littered your bed as you slipped another dress over your form. Not once in your life had you ever been concerned about what you were wearing or what you looked like, but there was something about tonight that made you want to turn heads. Your eyes raked down your figure as you twisted from side to side, admiring the way the black dress hugged your body in all the right places. Not to mention the thigh high slit in the dress showed off probably the only body part you weren’t self-conscious about. Tony, being the theatrical and over the top man he was, once said that you shouldn’t show up to his parties if you weren’t dressed to court a royal or to bring a man to his knees. Guess you were shooting for the latter.

As you put the finishing touches on your look for the evening, you felt that familiar heavy feeling settling into your chest. Your body always had a tendency to go into fight or flight mode when you became too familiar with anything or anyone. It felt like every fiber in your body was screaming for you to retreat into sweats and stay in your room, to not allow yourself this opportunity to enjoy the people you’d grown so close to. You know what happens when you let people in.

Grief, trauma, coping - it made it really difficult to live a “normal” life. Everyday tasks are daunting, it can be next to impossible to have intimate friendships or relationships, and not to mention the intrusive thoughts that infect your mind on a daily, if not hourly, basis. Here you were, the happiest you’d been in years. You were finally in a place where you felt loved, comfortable, safe - and yet your mind was trying to self-sabotage again.

You took a moment to close your eyes and take several deep breaths. When you opened your eyes you locked eyes with your reflection in the mirror and made a pact with the girl staring back at you. The intrusive thoughts and self-doubt couldn’t continue to have a hold over you anymore. You gave yourself a small smirk and nod as you made the decision to throw caution to the wind and give the party a try. What’s the worst that could happen?

*******

Come to find out, the worst that could happen would be your competitive nature overcoming the rational, thinking part of your brain; which in turn would lead you to enter in a drinking contest. Thankfully a small portion of your pink, smooth brain was still functional enough to tell you when you’d reached your limit. Now you sat comfortably on the couch, legs tucked underneath you as you joyfully watched your friends argue.

“Dr. Banner, my friend, you are one of the most intelligent people I know. However, you are wrong.” Thor stated simply as he finished the rest of his drink.

“Thor, for the last time, water is not wet!” Bruce retorted, throwing his hands up in frustration.

You let out a loud snort before thinking, “Oh yeah, water. I should drink some water.”

Your feet planted themselves on the floor and slipped back into your pair of shoes. As you made your way to the kitchen you were pleasantly surprised by your balance and coordination, considering how much alcohol you’d consumed. Seems that drinking with Thor has done wonders for your tolerance.

While you were busy searching the refrigerator for a bottle of water, you were also oblivious to the soft sound of footsteps coming into the kitchen. After retrieving the beverage, you closed the door and turned to leave. Instead, you turned right into the chest of a figure that was definitely not there a moment ago. You yelped as you clutched a hand over your chest dramatically, your face filled with horror as though you’d just come face to face with the grim reaper.

“Jesus Christ, Barnes!” you scolded.

Bucky was holding his abdomen as he leaned back, consumed with laughter at your reaction. You huffed and wanted to be offended, but he looked so damn cute laughing that you couldn’t help but join him. You pushed his chest playfully and grumped as you hopped up to sit on the counter, opening the water to gulp about half of it down. Bucky couldn’t help but grin at your pouty state as he finished up his laughing fit.

“My apologies, sweets. Didn’t realize I’d be makin’ ya scream twice in one day.” He teased, grinning even wider as he did so.

Your jaw dropped at the comment, quickly looking around to make sure no one else was in the kitchen to hear what he had said. After seeing that the coast was clear you kicked your foot at him out of annoyance, only for his metal hand to catch it smoothly. The two of you locked eyes, motionless for a moment before he moved closer, sliding his hand from your ankle to your thigh. In the moment, you damned yourself for choosing this particular dress. The closer he got, the faster your breathing became. The contrast between his cold embrace and your flushed, warm skin sent a shiver down your spine. Abandoning the water bottle, you ran your hands up his abdomen and chest until they rested on his shoulders. Following a small nudge from his knee, you parted your legs to allow him space to stand between them. The heat in your face at an all time high as he pressed his flesh hand to your cheek.

“Haven’t been able to stop thinkin’ about you.” Bucky whispered as he stroked the apple of your cheek with his thumb. Each word that left his lips had you feeling way more intoxicated than any liquor you’d had all night.

As quickly as it started, his touch was gone and his back was turned as he opened the fridge. Before you had a chance to open your mouth to ask what the hell just happened, Tony was entering into the kitchen.

“Well, well, well. Surprised to see you here, Annie.” Tony beamed as he laid eyes on you.

Yes, Tony had nicknamed you after little orphan Annie. Yes, he also referred to himself lovingly as Daddy Warbucks. Yes, any person in their right mind would probably be offended, but you were just fucked up enough that you found it kind of hilarious.

“Wish I could say that it’s a pleasure, Tony.” You grumped back, upset that you’d been cockblocked and by Tony no less.

“Never lose that spunk, kid.” Tony winked as he turned to see Bucky retreating from the fridge with a beer in hand. “Inspector Gadget! Good to see you too.”

As much as you didn’t want to encourage him, you couldn’t help but laugh. Much to your dismay, Bucky simply raised his bottle to Tony as if to say “cheers” and padded out of the kitchen.

“He has such a way with words.” Tony teased as you rolled your eyes.

A sigh left your lips as you slipped off the counter and back onto the floor, muttering a “goodnight” before leaving the kitchen and heading back to your room. Although you wanted nothing more than to find Bucky and finish what he had started in the kitchen, you came to the conclusion that you were probably too drunk and definitely too tired.

Back in the comfort of your bedroom, you went about your normal nighttime routine. As you exited the bathroom, you couldn’t help but notice a piece of paper that had been slipped beneath your door. Grabbing the paper from the floor and plopping back onto your soft mattress, you opened it to read the note that was scribbled in black ink.

Never got the chance to tell you how gorgeous you looked tonight. Gotta say, I’m a big fan of that dress.

Sweet dreams.

- B.

When you finished the note, it felt as though you were floating on cloud 9. Even when you laid your head down and tried to welcome sleep, Bucky’s words were still replaying in your head over and over again - like they were lyrics to your new favorite song.

Turns out you were down for Bucky Barnes, and you were down bad.

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kaistarus · 4 years ago

Text

Haikyuu Among Us

Pairs: Nishinoya X Reader

Words: 2.8K

Summary: You're playing Among Us with the Karasuno gang. When you get selected to be the Imposter you're not above doing what it takes to win.

Notes: This is a completely self-indulgent fic for Nishinoya's b-day

Masterlist

"There are too many options. What do you think?”

Nishinoya’s yellow character stood motionless beside the lobby’s computer as he selected between several hats. Your animated crewmate ran circles around him while waiting for him to finish his customizations and for the rest of your friends to load into the game.

“I think the post-it is the most accurate, but the egg is the cutest.” You said mindlessly, smiling when Hinata’s bright orange character hopped off one of the benches at the top of the screen. You left Nishinoya so you could chase around Hinata instead, running circles around each other in excitement over your matching stemmed helmets.

Nishinoya grumbled as he selected the raw-egg to cover his helmet. “Should I buy a child?”

“Are you ready for that?” You asked as more people finally started loading onto the ship. “It’s a lot of responsibility and what if we both die?”

“Oh, you’re right. I’m not ready to be a single father.” Nishinoya left the computer and came to run in the circle with you and Hinata in the center of the lobby.

“You guys are disgusting,” Tsukishima’s condescending voice filtered into your headset. You rolled your eyes and glared at his black spacesuit with the devil horns. So rude.

“Let people be happy, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said while his dark green character joined your dance circle. You couldn’t explain it, but the wet floor sign felt extremely fitting for his character.

“I’ll help you raise your child if (Y/N) dies Noya!” Hinata said brightly into your headset.

“Thanks, Shoyo!”

“No, I want to help him raise the child!” Tanaka yelled into the mic causing you to jump in your chair. You quickly opened your audio settings to turn his volume down. “I deserve it. I’ve known them the longest.”

“No way, I already called dibs!”

“Guys, you can both help me! The more parents the better!”

“There is no child.” You said, pinching the bridge of your nose,” and stop planning for me to die.”

“Sorry.” They all said in unison.

“But one day…” Hinata added ominously. You blinked at the screen confused and opened your mouth to respond before deciding it better to write that off entirely.

“All right, I’m starting the game,” Yachi said before the countdown appeared at the bottom of the screen.

“Wait, is Kageyama AFK? He hasn’t said anything.” Hinata asked, concerned.

“I just don’t want to talk to you, idiot.”

“Ouch.” Nishinoya snorted.

You muted your mic after a small giggle. The red crewmate appeared to shush everyone and you couldn’t help the wicked grin that crossed your face when ‘Imposter’ appeared in red letters afterward. Beside your character stood your partner in crime, Hinata, his name also bled red for the violence to ensue. You nodded to yourself confidently. Hinata wasn’t the best imposter, but you two were pretty in sync so you weren’t too concerned.

The airship loaded and everyone appeared around the center lunch table in cafeteria. You debated what you should do… maybe hang out with Hinata and attempt a double kill? You two could pull that off. Maybe just try some fun vent kills like you’d seen streamers do recently. Too bad Nishinoya ran over to you and began dancing beside you, clearly trying to get you to follow him to the right side of the map. It would probably be cruel if you slowly garnered his trust to use him as an alibi…

You followed him out of cafeteria. He began a wire task so you pretended to watch the bar go up until he excitedly danced beside you when he was finished, happy he’d cleared himself as an innocent crewmate-not that you hadn’t known that already. You went to fake asteroids, standing beside the chair while hoping to all that was good the green bar would move on time, when it did you leaned your forehead on your desk with a heavy sigh. Nishinoya’s character ran circles around you, likely thrilled that you were both crewmates, before continuing down the gray halls to the oxygen room. You took a moment to feel guilty before shaking it off.

While Nishinoya went to do another task in O2 you noticed Tsukishima running down the hall, alone, so you briefly separated and went to follow him. Unfortunately, Tsukishima decided to go to navigation all alone which left you with absolutely no choice. You strolled up to him and pressed the lit up ‘KILL’ button in the bottom corner of your screen. The animation had you snapping his character in half which you were a little too satisfied with-you could practically hear him raging from across town.

Once complete, his little half body flopped over and you snickered to yourself in your room. Then you remembered Nishinoya probably heading this way and you quickly self-reported the body.

“Naviga--.”

“Somebody killed Tsukki!?” Yamaguchi yelled so loud you had to lift your headphones up.

“Oh no,” Kageyama said, sarcastically. “What a loss.”

“You don’t sound upset…” Yachi pointed out.

“Should I?”

“Yes! He’s our friend and he’s dead!” Yamaguchi yelled.

“He’s not actually dead Yams.” You smirked, propping your elbow onto your desk and leaning into the palm of your hand.

“Sometimes I still hear his voice…” Nishinoya sniffled into his mic and you rolled your eyes fondly.

“Where was it?” Hinata asked.

“Navigation.” You said calmly. “Me and Nishinoya were doing tasks. I saw him go down to nav and I wanted to see if he died in the murder zone and he did.”

“Makes sense,” Nishinoya said casually. “So, who else is there that killed him?”

“Makes sense? She literally said she followed him to the murder zone.” Tanaka pointed out. You purse your lips because you did kind of say that, yeah. You should probably phrase things better.

“I saw her do asteroids though and she saw me do other tasks so we’re good.” Nishinoya scoffed at Tanaka’s accusation. “She couldn’t possibly have murdered Tsukishima if she did asteroids.”

“Okay… but what if she faked it?” Tanaka suggested.

“Are you suggesting my girlfriend would lie to me?” Noya said, gasping dramatically. “How could you dude?”

“The absolute disrespect.” You said, narrowing your eyes at Tanaka’s brown character. He knew too much.

“What if they’re both the imposter?” Yachi suggested.

“No way. If Noya was imposter half of us would be dead already.” Hinata said, with a chorus of agreeance following him.

“Well, who else is around here?” You asked.

“I’m almost there,” Kageyama said.

“Almost there or running from the crime?” You asked, excited to bring someone new into suspicion.

“Dun dun dun,” Hinata shouted.

“I don’t know if this means anything, but Hinata was at card swipe for a really long time…” Yachi added quietly.

“I just failed it like ten times, okay?” Hinata said sadly.

“Yeah, that checks out.” Kageyama snorted. “This idiot would fail a card swipe.”

“Let’s just skip, but Kageyama and (Y/N) I’m watching you,” Tanaka said.

“Good,” Kageyama responded.

The round ended with no one being ejected, thankfully, but you were a little concerned about the amount of suspicion being thrown at you. Hopefully, Hinata would keep Kageyama alive, and if the opportunity presents itself Tanaka would be your next target. Until then, you ran around the table to Nishinoya and danced beside him until he was ready to move. It was most important that Nishinoya believed you were innocent. You needed a strong ally, especially now.

As you waited patiently for him to complete another download task you kept the sabotage map open contemplatively before Hinata decided to shut off the lights for you. You tried to stay close enough to Nishinoya that he would see you in his limited visual area while you run to electrical, that is, until you saw Yamaguchi trailing behind you. Once you all entered cafeteria you pulled a quick u-turn under the cover of darkness and stabbed Yamaguchi’s poor unsuspecting crewmate body several times in the back before returning to Nishinoya and helping fix the lights. As if nothing had ever happened.

After fixing lights like the innocent, fake crewmate you were an air horn went off in your ear to signal Yamaguchi’s body being reported. You fell back in your chair with a whine before unmuting your mic.

“All right, this is good,” Tanaka said, a few muffled smacks heard as he excitedly smacked his desk.

“Disrespectful, dude. What did Yams or Yachi ever do to you?” Nishinoya asked. You raised an eyebrow because you hadn’t even noticed Yachi’s crossed off character. “They’re the two nicest people on earth.”

“Yeah, that’s sus.” You said with a smirk.

“Super sus.” Nishinoya agreed.

“What? No. I mean, I was on my way to the button because I literally watched Hinata jump into a vent when I found Yam’s body. Which means we have two pieces of evidence now.”

You cursed internally and glared at Hinata’s bright orange character. He would get caught venting.

“Dude, seriously?” Nishinoya laughed.

“What? I didn’t vent.”

“I watched you.”

“Oh yeah? How can I vent when I’m not even the imposter?” Hinata said confidently. You rolled your eyes.

“Damn, he’s got you there dude.” Nishinoya snorted. “Solid defense Shoyo.”

“Thanks, man!”

“Don’t defend him!” Tanaka yelled. “Unless you really are the second imposter!”

“What? No! Where’s your evidence? Give me proof!”

“Yeah, give him the proof!” Hinata added.

“Where were you when Yamaguchi was killed?”

“How the fuck would I know?” Nishinoya asked, astonished. “We were only in cafeteria when the lights were off and I didn’t see a body.”

“We?” Tanaka sounded deep in thought. “When the lights were off…”

“Are we just forgetting about mister thank god Tsukishima is dead?” You said, pulling attention toward Kageyama. “And last I checked only Noya and I fixed the lights.”

“Oh yeah, where were you, Kageyama?” Nishinoya asked.

“I’m where the boxes are.”

“You gotta learn the room names, man.” Hinata sighed.

“Maybe this is a tactic!” Tanaka shouted.

“Oh, and self-reporting isn’t Tanaka?” You asked.

“I don’t know. Tell me about the last round?” He responded confidently. Oh shit.

“Hang on, we gotta vote. We have like 15 seconds.” Nishinoya pointed out.

“Vote Hinata. He vented.” Tanaka said, repeatedly.

Everyone voted quickly and Nishinoya even apologized to Hinata, so you sighed before going with the majority. You had officially lost your partner. On the bright side, if you could take out Tanaka you could probably convince Nishinoya that Kageyama was the last imposter. You just had to play this last bit safe.

You waited a bit before going in the direction Tanaka had run after, but your last few rounds backfired when Nishinoya trailed after you. You needed to get away from him long enough so you could kill Tanaka without him seeing. You broke away from him for a moment and hopped into the nearest vent, jumping around until you found an area close to where you thought Tanaka had last been running around. When you popped out fear immediately shot into your heart when Kageyama’s dark blue character peaked into the top of the screen.

You weren't sure if he saw you or not, but you couldn’t risk it. He had to die.

You chased after him toward cafeteria and just barely got close enough to hit the kill button when he entered the room. You let out a breath of relief when the kill animation popped onto your screen and you watched your character repeatedly stab Kageyama in the back. You thought you were safe, so when the air horn for a meeting played you shot up in your chair. Apparently, in your tunnel vision, you hadn’t noticed Tanaka lurking nearby.

“It was Tanaka. I watched him kill Kageyama!” You shouted the moment your mic unmuted.

“Wait, what the fuck?” Nishinoya’s voice was filled with genuine confusion and you almost felt guilty. Almost. Maybe after you won.

“No. She chased him down, sawed him in half, then tossed him away like it was nothing. I saw it all.” Tanaka shouted.

“You can’t even saw people.” You rolled your eyes.

“I’m so confused,” Nishinoya whined. “It’s not Kageyama? But (Y/N) was with me like the entire game.”

“Exactly, so how could I have killed anyone?” You said excitedly. Nishinoya had no suspicion of you which was perfect. You could definitely win this.

“You were at every place where the bodies were found.” Tanaka pointed out. “She couldn’t have been with you the entire time. Like when she self-reported the first body?”

“I didn’t self-report.”

“Or when the lights went out?”

“I guess not.” Nishinoya said. You hit your desk lightly in stress. “She also wasn’t with me this whole last round...”

“Exactly!” Tanaka shouted. “And she was really adamant about putting suspicion on Kageyama.”

“Cause he was suspicious!” You threw your hands up. Since when was Tanaka so good at this game?

The line was quiet for a moment. “(Y/N) he’s making a lot of sense.”

“Okay, but he also reported Yams' body,” you countered. “Easily could’ve been a self-report there too.”

“That’s true…”

“Dude, why would I have tried so hard to get Hinata out if I was an imposter?” Tanaka asked, exasperated. “It makes no sense. It has to be her.”

“He could’ve lied about seeing Hinata vent!” You shouted, deciding to throw hail mary’s in your moment of demise.

“Why would I do that?”

“My head hurts,” Nishinoya whined. “(Y/N) I don’t know...”

“Okay. You should vote for Tanaka because...” You said while racking your brain for a solid defense. “I… love you.”

Nishinoya blew air into the mic. “Fuck dude, that’s a good defense.”

“No it’s not you--” Tanaka groaned. “Dude, for like five seconds I need you to stop being a simp and just big brain with me here.”

“But she’s saying nice things to me,” Nishinoya whined.

“Dude, c’mon you know who it is.”

Nishinoya groaned into the mic. “Okay, (Y/N) you’d never lie to me, right?”

“Never.”

“Are you imposter?”

“...I love you so much and I’m so happy you’re in my life and--”

“She just fucking admitted to it!” Tanaka screamed in the mic. “Don’t let her get into your brain. You’re better than this.”

After a brief silence, Nishinoya finally voted and you stood out of your chair when it revealed Nishinoya and you beneath Tanaka’s brown character. The mixed shouting in your headset went completely ignored by your own excitement while you celebrated, thanking Nishinoya with loving words.

“You fucking simp!” Tanaka yelled. “I can’t believe you. I trusted you!”

“I’m sorry,” Nishinoya’s groan came muffled in your ears. “I just couldn’t do it.”

“Good job (Y/N)!” Hinata cheered. “I never win as an imposter.”

“Cause you vent in front of people,” Tsukishima said.

“It was an accident! I meant to sabotage doors and I misclicked.”

“Oh well, we still got a victory.” You said proudly while spinning in your chair.

“You used me,” Nishinoya said, disappointed. “For personal gain.”

“I’m sorry, Noya,” you smirked as your characters all slowly hopped off the chairs in the main lobby. You danced around his yellow character as everyone loaded in. “I’ll make it up to you, promise.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

When the second game began, you let out a sigh of relief when the light blue confirmed you as merely a crewmate. This time you could legitimately just goof off with Nishinoya and complete tasks together while hopefully avoiding death.

After the map loaded you once again made your way to navigation together, keeping guard while the other was busy, and dancing circles every time you completed a task. When you eventually had entered the murder zone you trusted him to watch your back while you did your last task on the right side of the ship. Your first mistake apparently. You audibly gasped when the kill animation appeared on the screen. Nishinoya’s yellow character snapping your poor little crewmate’s neck in plain sight, leaving its little half body lying there for all to see. It’s poor singular bone popped out and bare.

You stared blankly at the screen while Nishinoya danced around your body for a moment, knowing that your ghost was hovering over it before he went down and hopped into the vent. You flopped back into your chair watching as Tanaka’s character ran into the room, stared at your body, and ran out. You could picture him cackling at the situation from here.

When a meeting was finally called, not even for you but Kageyama, Nishinoya pretended to be upset that “someone dares to kill you” and other bull shit. You crossed your arms and glared at his stupid yellow imposter self.

You supposed you deserved being used as a cover-up from the grave.

He better at least win.

#haikyū!!#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #nishinoya x reader #nishinoya x y/n #nishinoya yuu #nishinoya yū #hinata shoyo #kageyama tobio #yachi hitoka #tanaka ryuunosuke #yamaguchi tadashi #tsukishima kei #nishinoya yu x reader #nishinoya scenarios #nishinoya imagine

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trainsinanime · 4 years ago

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I feel like when we’re talking about Lila Rossi in Miraculous Ladybug, too often people ignore what I think is the most interesting thing about her: She brings out the worst in Marinette. In fact, she seems like she’s specifically designed specifically to bring out the worst in Marinette.

Think about it. Marinette hates liars; Lila lies almost every time she opens up her mouth, and keeps mocking the very concept of honesty. That brings out Marinette’s righteous anger. Lila also goes after and lies to Adrien, which triggers both Marinette’s protector instinct and, let’s be real here, her jealousy. And all that together turns her into an unguided missile of rage.

None of these elements are new on their own. A consistent character trait of Marinette’s is that she has exactly zero chill when it comes to things being unfair or people being dishonest. This quality is a key reason of why she is a great Ladybug. This same quality has also caused her to antagonize many people, which eventually ended up with akumatisations. I want to make it clear that I only ever blame Hawkmoth for people being akumatized. But even without the butterfly, Marinette inadvertently hurt people without meaning to, e.g. in Reverser/Inverso or Bakerix.

Another consistent trait is that yes, Marinette is petty and spiteful and jealous when it comes to Adrien. I’ve seen fan fictions where Marinette tells Alya, “I am not jealous about Adrien, my friendship with Kagami proves it”, while ignoring that the entire point of Ikari Gozen was Marinette being petty, jealous and spiteful, until she finally got over it. I guess we’ll call those stories an AU.

(My guess is that the end of season 3 was pushing Adrigami in part so Marinette could learn to get over her jealousy. I wonder how, if at all, that’ll play out in season 4. RWBY taught me to never get my hopes up when it comes to the possibility of getting more depth in 3D animated shows with leading ladies dressed in black and red.)

Lila pushes all of Marinette’s buttons and gets her incredibly riled up, and causes Marinette to do actions that are actually objectively shitty. Yes, Lila is lying about a lot, but throwing napkins at people is still not nice. When Alya dismisses Marinette’s objections because she thinks Marinette is just angry and jealous, she’s actually not that wrong. Lila does actually lie, but Marinette is also angry and jealous and it is clouding her judgement.

Especially in Chameleon, it’s important to note that this is the primary challenge that Marinette is facing. So many people keep acting like exposing Lila is the big challenge, but it’s actually super-easy. Marinette did it within five screen minutes of first meeting her, back in Volpina. She even used the “the famous person you claim to know? That’s me and I never heard of you” trope that so many fanfics keep trying to reinvent. And the result of that was not Lila leaving forever (well, actually it kind of was for almost a full season, which was weird), but rather Marinette and Ladybug making an enemy for life. It completely backfired, because Marinette was focused on the wrong problem.

The solution presented in Chameleon is actually not as wrong as many people claim. Adrien recognizes that while Lila is the one who started things by lying, Marinette is actually the one who keeps turning it into a constant battle, and who crucially does almost all of Lila’s work of discrediting Marinette for her.

This is kind of easy to miss on an emotional level. The show will generally always make us empathize with Marinette, and Marinette absolutely does not see the damage she causes to others or to her own reputation when she thinks she’s on a righteous mission. But it is the core of the Lila conflict. Well, until Lila starts trying to actively sabotage Marinette, which obviously changes things. But we’ve only come to that point because Marinette has managed to learn, with Adrien’s help, to tune out Lila.

As an aside: The main difference between Chloé and Lila is the way Lila manages to get under Marinette’s skin. Chloé managed the same, at the start, but she’s too cartoonish and self-obsessed to be much of an actual threat for the high-school parts of the show. At some point early on Marinette learns that being the bigger person when it comes to Chloé is both easy and fun, and that’s essentially the end of that rivalry. Not that that’s a bad thing, they did find other interesting uses for Chloé, but she had left the Cordelia Chase spot open and it looks like Lila was specifically designed to fit right in there.

(I keep wondering whether I should do a post comparing Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Miraculous Ladybug. Both shows are incredibly similar in a lot of ways, and I do recommend both, but if you watch either expecting it to be like the other, you’ll probably end up being disappointed.)

If there’s one thing where they kind of dropped the ball with Marinette getting over her hatred of Lila, it’s the question of why Marinette never exposed Lila to Alya. As established in Lila’s first appearance, exposing Lila is really easy. Alya would immediately jump on the opportunity to help both Ladybug and Marinette, and be a welcome ally at that.

Okay, I can guess why they didn’t do that: It’s so that they could use dealing with the threat of Lila to further develop Marinette’s and Adrien’s relationship. But then they kind of didn’t, and only told us they had… and the biggest thing that happened in that regard, Adrien’s deal with the devil, is something that Marinette doesn’t know about… so yeah, I can see what they were aiming at, but then they didn’t really go for it, and it’s a bit of a missed opportunity. I want more platonic Adrinette scheming, guys. Instead we just get Lila fundamentally not existing, because she’s a one-trick pony as antagonists go. That could have been done better.

Sorry for rambling. In short: The most important thing about Lila is not that she threatens Marinette and is acting evil; it’s what she brings out in Marinette. Ignoring that and just thinking of new ways to expose Lila is missing what makes her relationship with Marinette actually interesting.

#miraculous ladybug #lila rossi #marinette dupain cheng #marinette dupain-cheng #mlb meta

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eagles-translated · 3 years ago

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Answering questions about Eagles 4x05–4x06 (Part 1) 🏒

Here's my compiled answers of the questions you guys have sent in about the latest two episodes! I've received a few more questions that didn't fit in this post, so I will answer them in part 2. Hope you enjoy!

This question was probably sent in right before episode 6 came out, but your theory turned out to be true!

I loved seeing Michael helping Amie with her label. I know he's made bad choices in the past, but he seems to be a good guy who genuinely wants to get to know his daughter.

It's still a little awkward between him and Amie, but that's understandable. I hope Michael will keep repairing the relationship before Amie leaves for the US.

I think the burger made a little more sense, to be honest! We previously saw that scene of Elias and Amie at the restaurant where Elias got visibly sick over the idea of eating a burger. So to see him try to face that challenge again fit the narrative more than having Elias eat something completely different. The fact that the hamburger is much less healthy than a salad also contributed to his difficulty in eating it.

If Elias had eaten a salad, I think the message that would be sent out would be wildly different. I wouldn't interpret it as Elias trying to actively work on his eating disorder. Instead I would've seen it as him eliminating so many other healthy and filling foods that the only thing left that he feels comfortable eating is a simple salad. It doesn't have as much of an impact as seeing Elias eat a hamburger.

There's a wide variety of eating disorders, like you mentioned. Someone with binge-eating disorder might not struggle with eating a hamburger while someone with anorexia is more likely to.

In Elias's case, with his orthorexia (an unhealthy focus on eating in a healthy way), I don't think he would struggle as much with a salad as we saw him do with the hamburger.

You bring up a very good point about last season when Elias went to the club in Stockholm.

A lot of us are frustrated with how Elias has been behaving these last few episodes, and I definitely think he has some apologizing to do to the people around him. But as of right now, he's struggling with a mental disorder and an insane amount of pressure (both from himself and from hockey fans around the world).

I can imagine that his eating disorder and intense fear of failure is definitely clouding his judgement, and he's taking out his frustration on the people around him. That's not healthy and definitely not the ideal thing that should be done in this situation, but the clock is ticking for him and I think Elias's self-sabotage comes from that fear of not being able to realize his hockey dreams.

They're not only his own dreams, but also the expected accomplishments that were set as soon as he was born. He's been in this pressure cooker for his whole life and it's most likely about to reach its boiling point.

Let's also remember that Elias has been skipping out on lots of meals and that can really affect your brain. People who have eating disorders can be incredibly stubborn and flat out refuse to do the healthy thing even if their lives depend on it. From the outside it looks ridiculous and it's really hard to understand what's running through their head if you haven't gone through it yourself.

Like I said, Elias has been pushing away the people that care about him and he definitely has amends to make. But I also believe that the way he's acting right now is the result of on-going pressure and untreated orthorexia.

I hope so too. I'm also holding out hope for Petra coming with Amie to the US after Petra talked about how she also dreamed of going to there when she was younger. It would be really sweet to finally see Petra go to the US, and have her be near Amie to support her and make sure that she's not being controlled by anyone in her music career like she was by the Stockholm label.

Honestly, I would love to see a time jump in the final episode. I would definitely ugly cry (in the best way possible) if we had an Elias and Amie reunion in the US after a few years of being apart.

It would be so cool to see the other main characters as adults too. I'm really curious about how Felicia ends up and what her career choice will be.

You are completely right. I didn't even realize how much shit Ludde has actually gone through until he listed every single thing that's happened to him since season 2.

Ludde (to Elias): You have all the opportunities I’ve ever dreamed of! My chances are gone! Rönnestad breaks my knee. Community service just because I back you up. Half the fucking town thinks I abuse women! Andreas gets cancer, so I can’t go to London. I have to stay here with my family. You have all these opportunities that I’ve dreamed of, and you do nothing with them! You fucking owe me to not waste it!

I hope Ludde will still go to London and pursue his dreams. That's pretty much the only good thing he's got going for him right now and it would be heartbreaking to see him deny that opportunity.

I can understand that Ludde would want to stay to support his family, but at the same time I'm sure Andreas wouldn't want Ludde to give up such a huge opportunity for him.

Ludde deserves happiness and I hope he gets to enjoy graduation despite the whirlwind of emotions happening for him right now. I also really need him to start talking to Andreas, even if I can imagine that it's a heartbreaking situation to be in.

That's an amazing idea and I would love to see them have the dance in the barn. It's such a cool location and I can already imagine how much cooler it would look if they decorated it with a bunch of string lights and flowers.

I also hope they fix up that old car they were talking about. I think something like that would really make Andreas happy, even if only for a moment.

That's a really smart theory. I totally forgot about that and I've honestly scrubbed out most of the Riverdale seasons in my head after the show ended up going completely batshit crazy.

I thought the final scene in The truth was pretty cheesy (bordering on a little silly), but I'm curious to see what exactly they'll do to help Felicia.

I agree. There are a lot of things about Elias that feel "too quick", to be honest. I feel like his eating disorder hasn't had enough time to develop and there haven't been enough scenes shown to really explain what's going on with Elias's mindset this season. I mean, we know the basics, but do we know all the details to why he's acting the way he is or are we still just speculating?

I wish that they would've developed the eating disorder storyline earlier. They introduced it at a great point in the story (in season 3, after Elias comes back home from the US), but after that we only got some small glimpses of it and the writers didn't spend as much time developing the storyline as they should have. We're six episodes in on the final season right now, and the eating disorder seems so rushed. I know that it's difficult when you only have 10 episodes consisting of 20 minutes in one season, but that's precisely why the storyline should've been developed earlier.

There's still time to have a proper conclusion to this storyline, but it probably won't be as satisfying to see it unfold when the road there has been rushed.

Thank you for sending this in—I completely agree with everything you said about how Klara has been written this season.

To be honest I found her to be pretty irritating in episode 5. None of her actions were wrong or necessarily bad, but the whole "Klara running around to help everybody else" thing was so much more prevalent and it annoyed me. I mean, let's just go through her appearances in the April fools episode.

Klara: [...] I’ll just talk to someone at the office who can fix it [the school prom].

After the exchange about the school prom, Klara also helps calm Amie's nerves about her upcoming meeting with the label by saying that Amie can call her if anything comes up. This is more of her showing support rather than actively solving something in another character's storyline, though. But as we know she's previously helped Amie with the contract.

And in Klara's next scene, she urges Ludde to catch up to Felicia who just left and says that he needs to clear up the misunderstanding Felicia has about Klara and Ludde having a thing.

Klara (to Ludde): [...] You need to catch up to her and explain things before it’s too late. Ludde: But I promised Elias I would stay away. Klara: Yeah, but I’ll get that sorted out. Don’t worry about it. [...]

Then, at the hockey game, Klara helps Elias and even offers to be by his side to talk to Mats.

Klara (to Elias): I can tell you’re not doing well. And I understand you want to get back. They obviously need you. Can’t you just talk to Mats? And solve everything. I can come with you if you want to. You know I’ll always back you up. Always. Elias: Thanks. Klara: He has to listen to me now, too. I’ve got the money.

I don't mind having characters be helpful to each other. That's not the issue here. What annoys me is that in the span of a single episode, Klara has been used as a plot device to solve the problems of all the main characters. It feels like the intent was to kill two birds with one stone by showing Klara's character development and at the same time push the plot forward. But this is repeated so, SO many times that it's just repetetive and lazy writing. Remember that this hasn't only been a thing in season 4, but in previous seasons as well.

The only redeeming part about Klara in this episode was her line about Björn H. which I found pretty amusing. Other than that, I found myself rolling my eyes every time she said she would get things "sorted out" and used her status as a rich girl and head of the GECED company for personal gain.

I want to see Klara have her own storyline for once that isn't related to her being a "businesswoman". I want to see her be a teenage girl, because that's what she is. I want to see her go on an awkward date with Omar and see her mend the broken relationship with her mother. There are so many things I would rather see Klara do than be a happy helper who has everyone's back all the time.

I've honestly gotten a little tired of the unrealistic businesswoman storyline that Klara has going on. I miss season 2 Klara, who still acted like a teenage girl and had a good amount of character development that didn't border on being a flawless one-dimensional character.

#eagles svt #svt eagles #eaglesspoilers

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carriagelamp · 4 years ago

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I read more books this month than I anticipated. I should probably wait before doing a February book round up, but I already feel like I’m struggling to decide which ones to cut from my list so I’m doing it this weekend instead of next. If I read much next week I’ll bump ‘em up into March’s round up

Asterix and the Missing Scroll / Chieftain’s Daughter

I got the last two “new” Asterix books out of the library so I could officially say I had read them all. Over all my opinion is… they’re fine! None of these would ever become one of my favourites, but they’re all fine stories. The art is good, it is completely in-line with the original, and the stories are… fine. I liked The Missing Scroll quite a bit more than The Chieftain’s Daughter but I never find a ~hurr hurr teenagers~ plotline that interesting, whereas I do enjoy seeing Romans get chased down by unicorns so that’s probably not surprising. There’s some spark I can’t put my finger on that the new Asterix books just seem to be missing though… a bit of humour or cleverness or something. Still, they’re fine reads if you’ve been hungry for more Asterix and I’m glad I read them. (Though the library gave me the American translation of The Chieftain’s Daughter, something I didn’t realize until I started reading and realized that this is wrong??? I’ve been reading these books since I could read and I know this is wrong??? What the hell is happening??? The I realized the publisher was different and I simmered in fury the whole time I read it — WHY ARE YOU CHANGING NAMES AND WORD CHOICES IN A WELL ESTABLISHED SERIES THAT ALREADY HAS AN ENGLISH TRANSLATION YOU ANIMALS WHY ARE YOU DUMBING DOWN THE LANGUAGE AAAUGH

The Bride Was A Boy

This one was cute! The Bride Was A Boy is an autobiographical manga written by a transwoman recounting her experience with transitioning, meeting her boyfriend, and eventually getting married. It’s mostly done in a 4-panel style and is interspersed with lots of information about the LGBT community, particularly in Japan. A lot of it was stuff I was already familiar with, but I still found it adorable and a very worthwhile read. it would be a fantastic book for young queer people who are looking for more of an introduction into international queer space

Cul de Sac: Children At Play

Cul de Sac is just a weird, fun newspaper comic series about the children who live in a small neighbourhood. It fully taps into the children-as-semi-feral-chaos-agents, and there’s something hilariously nostalgic about the whole thing. Lots of times when stories try to portray children there’s always something… wrong about it, something that doesn’t mesh with true childhood, but in this comic I can see glimpses of my grimy, dirty-covered self as a preschooler running around the pages. I would definitely recommend trying them!

The Cremation of Sam McGee

I reread The Cremation of Sam McGee and The Shooting of Dan McGrew and man, they don’t stop being buckwild. These are two really famous Canadian poems that were then illustrated by equally famous Canadian artist Ted Harrison. Harrison’s style is gorgeous and distinct and given what strangely grisly stories these poems are they fit the mood perfectly. Everything feels just a little tilted and wrong and unsettling. If you enjoy an occasional poem (especially ones that are super fun to read out loud) and haven’t read these before, I would recommend them! Or do what my teachers did, and read Sam Gee to a young child in your life and watch them be baffled and concerned and horrified.

There are strange things done / in the midnight sun / by the men who moil for gold...

The Gryphon’s Lair

The second book of the Royal Guide to Monster Slaying series written by Kelley Armstrong; I’ve been eagerly awaiting this book! It’s a very cool fantasy series because it really leans into environmental stewardship and the importance of studying animals and conservation so you can find ways to live alongside a healthy ecosystem. In this book Rowan is officially accepted as the Royal Monster Hunter, which means a whole new set of trials and burdens. She has to contend with a baby gryphon that is becoming increasingly large and dangerous, plotting family members, doubt about her abilities, a potential curse, and a daunting quest deep into the mountains in order to set things right. If you’re looking for some very gentle high fantasy, this series delivers.

Hogan’s Heroes comics

What to say here. Anyone following this blog has suffered the knowledge that I’ve been rewatching Hogan’s Heroes lately. When I found out that there was a short-lived, shitty comic series in the 60s? Of course I had to hunt them down. And so I’ve read them! And they sure were a shitty comic series from the 60s! They were, shall we say, of wildly varying quality. Some were actually really funny (like #5, it easily had the best art and best jokes imho), others were a slog, and most were fine and amusing enough to read the whole way through but not much more.

If you don’t know what Hogan’s Heroes is about: it was a 1960s sitcom that took place in a WWII POW camp, in which the Allied prisoners trapped there had a massive, complex sabotage/spy ring right underneath the camp. The whole show is about constantly outwitting the bumbling Germans while keeping up the pretense that they’re all just normal prisoners. The show is hilariously funny and I would recommend that, even if I can’t say the same for the comics unless you’re like me and are just really thirsty for more content...

Magic Misfits: The Fourth Suit (Ripley)

The final book of Neil Patrick Harris’ middle grade series, The Magic Misfits. In this fourth book, the group is fragmented and forced to meet in secret to avoid notice from the mysterious and powerful Kalagan whose cruel machinations have already turned the quiet little town on its ears, putting people’s lives in peril and destroy Leila’s fathers’ magic shop. The Misfits are going to need all their skills to finally unmask this sinister magician and break the mesmerism he seems to have placed over the entire town before it’s too late to save no only the town, but their friendship and trust.

Super charming series, and the illustrations are gorgeous.

Marsupilami

HOUBA! I watched a very bad TV adaptation of this as a kid that still managed to find a place in my heart, and so I decided to finally try reading some of the original comic! On one hand: it was exactly what I had hoped! The art is cute, the marsupilami is so dynamic and fun to see on the page (and has a way better characterization than he does in the show), and it’s really funny! Unfortunately! It is also pretty racist! Yikes! That seems to be a reoccuring downfall for some of these older Belgian comics... I also tried reading the first book of Les Tuniques Bleues and aye ye ye… I couldn’t actually get through that one. That being said, these were older volumes and frankly, North American media was also real fucking racist at that point so I’m not gonna write them off either. I really liked most of this book, and will probably try to get my hands on one of the more recent volumes of both Marsupilami and Les Tuniques Bleues to see if they get better with time. (If you’ve read either of those series and have volume recommendations hmu)

The Pagemaster

I’m a sucker for novelizations, I have no excuse beyond that. I recently rewatched The Pagemaster and decided to read the chapter book. And it was a solid little adaptation! It’s about Richard Tyler, a young boy with a head for statistics which unfortunately means he lives in constant fear of (in his opinion, statistically likely) injury or death. However that fear is put to the test when he gets caught in a horrible thunderstorm and has to shelter in a nearby library with halls and shelves that stretch beyond the imagination and with untold perils hidden among the pages of the books. Richard, with only his library card and three novels that hope to be checked out, has to venture through the different genres and horrors housed int he library if he ever wants to find the exit and get home to safety.

Pumpkinheads

A very charming little graphic novel. Cute art, and really loveable characters. Josiah and Deja work every year at a local pumpkin patch, and are best friends during those weeks. However this is their last year working there before going off to university and as the last day at the patch comes to a close they realize that they both still have regrets. Deja sets off on a mission to avoid work, eat all the interesting snacks around the patch, and get Josiah to find the girl he’s been crushing on every year and has never worked up the nerve to talk to.

After being deprived of human contact for almost a year, this book really hits you right in the heart.

The Screwfly Solution

A deeply upsetting scifi/horror short story! I read it on the recommendation of a friend and, yes, can confirm that this fucked me up a bit. I honestly don’t even know what to say about this that wouldn’t spoil it, but frankly with everything being as it is, this hit a little bit too close to reality. (That being said, it was very well written, like this is a very good story on a literary level and it does exactly what it sets out to accomplish.) If you feel like reading twenty pages and being really disturbed, give it a go! Otherwise go and read any number of the much happier books on this list!

The Whipping Boy

This was a book I remember reading as a lit circle book back in elementary school and really loving. After telling myself I’d reread it for years, I finally sat down with it again. If you somehow got through school without reading this one, it’s about a brat of a prince and his whipping boy — since it would be unspeakable to strike a prince, when the prince misbehaves it is Jemmy who gets whipped. Unsurprisingly, there is no love lost between the two of them, because the prince is always intentionally causing problems that Jemmy has to suffer for. Things begin to change though when the prince decides to run away and drags Jemmy along with him. On the run, being chased by highwaymen, and desperately trying to hide their identities, these boys go on a fast-paced adventure beyond the castle walls. It wasn’t as special as I remembered it being as a kid, but it’s a fine little chapter book.

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welllpthisishappening · 4 years ago

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Heyooo could you do 6 and/or 9 for kiss prompts please? If you’re still doing them that is. :)

Alright, well, this got long. Let’s all act super surprised. And because you are an absolute delight of a human being, this is Will and Belle. Set in the Blue Verse, obvs. And also because I keep reading these hockey rom coms, so I am in a mood™. They were real fun to write. Particularly on their first date. This is their first date! At the Museum of Natural History! Prompts were: hand kisses and kisses in the snow.

————

This was a bad idea.

Exceptionally bad. Stupid, really. Impetuous and instinctual and no, no, that second one wasn’t right at all. Agreeing to Ariel’s set-up wasn’t instinctual, was just—

Idiotic, maybe.

Throwing her head back, Belle tried to find cracks in the ceiling. To match the obvious ones in her sanity. Only the Museum of Natural History did not boast any cracks. Couldn’t, she figured. Something about the structural integrity of the building and, she imagined, the ghost of Theodore Roosevelt. Who would very likely emerge from his statue out front if he realized there was any sort of looming threat to the dinosaur bones stored inside this museum.

He’d get, like—those horse riders, probably. God, now she couldn’t remember the name for those horse riders, just a mess of facts about San Juan Hill and the Spanish-American War and she’d nearly paced her way onto several people’s shoes already.

He was late.

This hockey guy. Will, his name was Will. Scarlet, Will Scarlet. Played defense for the New York Rangers and every article she’d read in the last two days since agreeing to Ariel’s wholly ridiculous suggestion also suggested that Will Scarlet, professional hockey player, was very good at his job. Not quite championship-worthy yet, but it had been close that one season and he was—

Cute.

Real cute. Had that slight curl to his lips in his headshot and if Belle spent a few minutes that afternoon meticulously examining his headshot then that was between her and her desk and her internet history. Which she should probably delete at some point. Tomorrow, she’d do it tomorrow. First thing, even.

Would walk into the library and make sure to take care of any lingering evidence detailing all the proof that she was fairly certain there was a hint of something unnameable at the edge of Will Scarlet’s eyes and that was insane.

She was on a roll, really.

He just—

Well, she thought he was cute. Didn’t have any looming warrants for his arrest. Hit people on the ice with a fair amount of frequency, per several other articles, but that was to be expected. She thought so, at least. Hockey was still a potential project for her. If this worked.

She didn’t think it was going to work.

Dating professional athletes was not her. Didn’t fit with her personality, or her possibly subconscious and entirely unfair prejudices, but this guy got paid to play a game and he likely had expectations and fans and a variety of people who fell under the umbrella of antiquated categories with vaguely offensive naming conventions, and there was also Belle’s consistent tendency to self-sabotage because romance had never really panned out all that great, but Ariel had promised. Was so sure. Belle didn’t have a choice.

Agreeing to this was—

Instinct.

“God damn,” she mumbled, halfway through another lap around the lobby. Twisting between tourists, most of whom were trying to figure out how to store the bags they weren’t allowed to bring into the museum because it appeared most of them had been required to visit Bloomingdales at some point that day, she very nearly stepped on a few more toes and definitely on the back of one boot hell.

Who immediately cursed.

Not under his breath. Right out loud, drawing a few stares and one gasp from someone Belle figured had to be from Iowa, or something.

That was an awful thing to think.

Only she couldn’t bring herself to feel too badly when her stomach appeared intent on taking up residence in her throat, so as to avoid the acid and the wholly imaginary butterfly wings and he turned around. To stare at her. With that specific glint in his eyes.

“Hey, can you—oh,” Will sighed, shoulders sagging and that was not great. Bad, even. Real bad. Blind date disaster sort of bad. Belle’s smile made her cheeks ache. “Are you planning on killing me? You look a little crazed. This is a very public place.” “Agreed to so you couldn’t kill me.” “Would hurt my minutes.” “I don’t know what that means,” Bell admitted. “Is your foot alright?”

His lips twisted. She was staring. Appraising, really. Tracing her eyes across a head that was at a slight angle now, and she was having an admittedly difficult time coping with his shoulders. Sloped and clearly muscled, even under the fabric of a well-fitted leather jacket that couldn’t be providing much warmth.

“It’s cold out.”

Will’s smile stretched. “It is, in fact.” He stuck his hand out, fluttering fingers that weren’t showing any sign of frostbite when Belle didn’t do anything except keep staring. Like a complete psychopath. “If Ariel set me up with a murderer, I’m going to be really annoyed, fair warning.”

“That would be fair, yeah.” “And strangely not an objection.” “I’m really worried about your Achilles tendon.”

He laughed. Guffawed. Threw his head back and wrapped an arm around his waist, seemingly unaware of the glances and the few prolonged stares because he was a professional athlete and other people were probably more aware of that than Belle was. Another finger flutter. “Will Scarlet,” he said, “not a murderer, only a little concerned that you might be—”

“—You were late.” “And I apologize for that, but you can blame Cap. Who missed a wide-open breakaway three minutes before we were about to get off the ice and Arthur lost his mind.” “Sounds dramatic.” “You’ve got no idea. Are you going to shake my hand because my arm is getting kind of tired.” Belle lifted her eyebrows. Kept smiling. More like a normal person, she hoped. A semi-charmed person. Who almost forgot where they were standing and how long the line to pay whatever you want at the Museum of Natural History always was. His hand wasn’t nearly as cold as she expected it to be.

That probably wasn’t important.

“Belle French,” she said, “shouldn’t you have better upper-body strength?”

His smile was a bit softer, that time. Not quite resigned, but she was struggling to come up with appropriate syntax and neither one of them had tried to pull their hand away. “I’ve got incredible upper-body strength,” Will promised, leaning forward and he smelled a bit like soap, “you should what I can do on skates, though.” Flushing was ridiculous. Blushing, too. Any synonym.

Still holding hands.

“Do you think this is working for you?” “I’m trying very hard.” “Yeah, I can tell.” “Oh wow,” he chuckled, finally disentangling their fingers, and that was fine. Totally fine. Belle didn’t notice the absence of warmth, at all. Not instantly, or anything. “That’s kind of a knock to my self-confidence, honestly. Ariel didn’t mention you were mean.” “I’m not mean. What else did Ariel mention?” To suggest that his eyes actually had the gall to sparkle would be crazy. They didn’t sparkle. Were biologically incapable of doing that.

But Belle swore something else happened, and it might have just been in the general region of her heart. Stuttering and restarting, at double time. As if it were intent on impersonating a hummingbird.

“You’re very smart.” “That’s true,” Belle agreed.

“Modest, too.” “Obviously, yeah, yeah.”

She wanted to keep making him laugh. Wanted him to keep smiling at her and leaning forward, even if his hair wasn’t quite long enough to artfully fall across his forehead. She wondered if his shoulders looked as good when he wasn’t wearing the leather jacket.

So, insanity was fun to experience, then.

“This is the part where you tell me what Ariel said about me, babe.”

Belle’s eyebrows jumped. Soared. Flew off her forehead. “You really do thinking this working, huh?” “My self-confidence is a sham, Ariel thinks I’m lonely, my teammates are dumb, and I’m willing to pay full price for this museum so we can also see the 3D movie about the giant monster shark.” “Megalodon is a real thing that was part of a mass marine extinction, potentially caused by a supernova that really messed up the rest of Earth.” “Telling me that is not going to stop me from calling it monster shark,” Will promised. Belle thought it was a promise. Sounded like one.

She was admittedly a little hung up on the lonely thing.

“I can work with monster shark.”

Will beamed. Did something passably ridiculous with his eyebrows and the slight shake of his head, and neither one of them mentioned the hand thing. How they reached for the other on what already felt like habit, twisting between bags and tourists and it took less time to get in when they paid full price. Plus twenty-nine ninety-nine for the monster shark movie. Per ticket.

And they walked. Wandered. Took their time through exhibits, conversation that wasn’t exactly ground-breaking, but was just as easy, tilting their heads back in tandem to stare at massive fossils and partially-finished dinosaur structures.

“So,” Will drawled, not taking his eyes off the Tyrannosaurs Rex, “tell me something.”

“About?” “You’re a librarian, right?” Belle nodded. “Not like—well, there’s not a lot of story-times. More research and entitled doctoral students who think the world revolves around them.”

“Bet you think athletes are super great then, huh?” “Ariel didn’t force me here against my will,” Belle pointed out, getting another laugh for her pitiful comedic efforts. Pulling his gaze away from the exhibit, Will didn’t quite smile, but he wasn’t glaring and her stomach hadn’t returned to its correct spot yet. “Why’d you pick Museum of Natural History?” “I’m more than just a pretty face.”

She rolled her eyes. Continued to be very charmed. “I did work in a small town once, but it didn’t end great, lots of drama, lots of dead mom, overprotective dad, bad relationships.” “How bad is bad?” “Thinking of dropping gloves with my ex-boyfriend?” Twinkling eyes were impossible too, she was sure. Will’s appeared determined to prove her wrong. “You looked up terminology.” “Sounds suspiciously like an accusation.” “Nah,” he shook his head, “a cautiously optimistic assumption.” “For the life of me, I cannot figure out what icing is.”

He ran his hand over the back of his head. That wasn’t the first time, either. Belle might have been doing research. Keeping track, more like. “Not many people can at the start,” Will said, “have you gotten to offsides yet? My national championship?” “You won a national championship?” Narrowing his eyes wasn’t an explicit challenge. Felt like one, all the same. One Belle wasn’t just willing to reach for. Wanted to reach. And that was—strange, actually. She hadn’t felt like that in a very long time, had been sitting at the same desk for the better part of the last ten months, waiting for something worthy of researching and figuring out and she wasn’t lying about icing. Sometimes it didn’t happen? And that frustrated people?

On the ice, and in the stands. Based on the videos she’d watched.

That sounded psychopathic too.

“What happened with the ex?” “He wanted to get married,” Belle said, forced casualness that didn’t do anything to the thin-type nature of Will’s eyes. “Dad wanted us to get married.” “And you didn’t?” She shook her head. “I’ve got things to do.” “Like read up on my national championship?” “Google black holes are real things.” “Oh, you’ll get no argument from me,” Will grinned, another chuckle and she was starting to pick up on the variety in his laughter. Genuine, now. “But searching your name only led to your Columbia faculty page, most of which I knew already from grilling Ariel because I was worried about getting stabbed in public, I’m real famous you know.” “Hockey is not as popular as you think it is.” His hand was too big, Belle thought. Could wrap all the way around her fingers, warm and somehow almost comforting, tugging her away from this massive dinosaur toward a slightly smaller dinosaur that didn’t eat other dinosaurs several million years ago.

She didn’t pull away. “Anyway,” Will added pointedly, “your faculty page left a lot to be desired, but a slightly older article from the York County Coast Star informed me that you did Kennebunk High School proud once by winning Best Delegate at a Model United Nation’s Conference.” She’d have to stop blushing eventually. As it was, Belle’s face was blistering and her mouth had fallen open at some point. Likely right around the time that the ends of Will’s lips also started to quirk up.

“Stalking is a serious crime.” “Curiosity, however, is not. Plus, A didn’t know about Model UN. What was your position?” “A lacks a bit of creativity on the nickname front, don’t you think?” Belle asked, not totally desperate to change the subject.

Will lifted a shoulder. “Usually we like to add an r to last names, or a y. Depends on the last syllable, more than anything.” “Who is this we exactly?” “Hockey players as a whole.” “Right, right, so that would make me—” “—Frenchy, yeah,” Will nodded. “Doesn’t seem to fit, though. Also possibly offensive?” Belle laughed. Giggled, a little. Kept blushing and ignoring the unstable state of her heart and she hadn’t been expecting him to be so—

Charming. Legitimately and entirely charming. Full of simple banter, like it didn’t require any extra effort on his part. She was glad for that. He kept rubbing the side of his hip, too. Probably took a check during practice. She’d really spent a long time researching terminology.

“I served as a judge on the United Nation’s International Court of Justice.”

Letting out a low whistle, Will actually widened his eyes. With legitimate awe. She was going to combust before this was over. This date. This going very well date. “I’m sorry about the ex.” “You don’t have to punch him in the face.” “Good to know.”

She hummed. Looked back at the dinosaur in front of them so she wouldn’t be so tempted to ask about lonely and what that meant, and that lasted for all of twenty-six minutes. Give or take.

Belle hadn’t taken her phone out of her pocket once.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He didn’t totally stiffen. They’d moved off the dinosaur floor, standing in an offshoot of the lobby and another long line with more kids than Belle expected. She should have. No one appreciated long-extinct monster sharks more than kids.

So, Will didn’t totally stiffen. His lips all but disappeared, though. Became a thin line on a head that was back at an angle, with a tongue that poked noticeably against one of his cheeks.

“College girlfriend,” he said, voice turning gruff, “dated the entire time I was there, wore my jersey to the title game. All that cliche bullshit. Graduated, New York had my rights, and suddenly the world was our oyster, right?” “Rhetoric?” He lifted the other shoulder. Than the one from before. Keeping track of that was crazy, crazy, easy. “A little,” Will admitted, “because New York had my rights, but not an immediate need for a defenseman, and the AHL is a grind. Shitty barns of arenas and not much glamor on multi-state bus trips. Game after game, trying to prove you deserve the call that’s gonna change everything, only it took too long for mine to come. Least for Ana. She wanted—well, fuck if I know what she wanted, really. But it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t waiting and there were plenty of other guys in the league who started at the top. Who also thought she had the prettiest smile of anyone in the room.”

Jealousy was not a normal reaction. And wasn’t really what was happening. Not entirely, at least.

Belle would tell herself that at least forty-seven times in the next twenty-four minutes. Because her stomach was flipping, making it difficult to take a deep breath when she noticed the resigned look in Will’s suddenly dull eyes and he was supposed to be an idiot. Was supposed to be a stereotype, unable to find anything interesting about the Hall of North American Forests, but he made jokes about stuffed birds and was serious about seeing the monster shark and Ariel was going to be absolutely insufferable about all of this.

“What’s the deal with your shirt?” Will’s head tilted even more. “Because it’s team-branded?” “Technical term?” “Now we’re going in circles, babe.” “Get more creative nicknames.”

The spark returned. Fluttered in the very center of eyes that met Belle’s without a hint of trepidation of concern regarding her potential murder tendencies. Not that she had any. He’d looked her up, too. “I’ll see what I can do,” Will muttered, “and it’s a real problem for me. Get free shirt, have to wear free shirt, see no reason to buy other shirts.” “Or proper sentence structure, it seems.” “This is working.” “Is it?” He nodded, following the line as it started to move into the theater. “I think so, yeah. You ready to learn about this giant fish?” “Sharks are fish, that’s true.” “See,” Will grinned, lacing his fingers through his, “totally working.”

Neither one pulled their hands away. Even as the theater lights dimmed, and she couldn’t remember the last time she wore 3D glasses, but the effects were at least fairly good because she jumped no less than three times, Will’s soft chuckle echoing between her ears each time.

His thumb tapped. Found a rhythm against the side of her wrist that stayed even after the movie was over, and his excitement rivaled the loudest and most sugar-filled kids, an unspoken agreement to spend at least thirty-four minutes in the gift shop.

He bought her a stuffed shark.

“For intimidation purposes,” Will explained, thrusting an arm toward the sidewalk. Belle didn’t smile. She tried. Sort of. And the cab stopped almost immediately. “You’re impressed.” “Keep telling me how I’m feeling, please.” “This is New York, danger lurking on every corner and whatnot. Requirements of a gentleman mean I have to deposit the fair lady back at her door.” “Or you lose your membership card?”

“Matching jackets, God, keep up.”

She slid into the backseat next to him. And it wasn’t like she was expecting a kiss, honestly. Wouldn’t have said no, probably. But this was—

New and a little exciting, and Ariel was going to be so annoying.

So, they sat. Kept talking, which was still somehow effortless. Even with the cloud of potential kissing and lives that weren’t remotely similar, and Belle still had a lot of hockey-based questions. About teammates and their opinions because Will had mentioned that too, but she wasn’t a total snoop or willing to be that level of stubborn quite yet. Maybe, like, second date stubborn.

They were at her building, anyway.

Stumbling out of the cab was not the picture of cool Belle had been hoping for. Snow landed on her shoulders and clung to the ends of her hair, a storm that started somewhere between Central Park West and East 29th Street, and she knew Will did not leave anywhere near here. He got out, anyway.

Stood on the sidewalk before trailing her toward the door, her stuffed shark safe from the elements in the bag hanging from her shoulder. “So, that was—”

“I had a really good time with—”

Her shoulders sagged. Dropped in tandem with Belle’s sigh and the stretch of her smile, refusing to let her teeth dig into her lower lip. Will dragged his hand over the back of his head. “A’s going to be so annoying about this.” Tension disappeared. Melted faster than the snow was capable of, Belle’s teeth only appearing when she smiled that wide. “Because you think it worked, huh?”

“Working on that self-confidence, you see,” Will said, hovering on the bottom step and her lips were tingling. With anticipation and hope and the knowledge of how much a cab back uptown was going to cost him.

He surprised her, of course.

Flipping his wrist, Will’s fingers fluttered once. Silent invitation hung between them, and Belle didn’t think. Didn’t consider options or potential blow-ups, no sign of a pro and con list. It’d be weird to find one on her front step, anyway.

She dropped her hand into his.

Still warm, still capable of holding all of hers, the soft pull at the end of her arm didn’t stop until Will’s lips grazed her bent knuckles and stayed there. For the next eight seconds. She counted. Timed it up with the solid thud of her heart against her chest and the propensity of her knees to bend beneath her. In order to accommodate everything she was feeling.

Too much.

Not enough.

“I had fun, ma moitié,” Will said, leaving her brain whirring for a translation.

“This might be working.” He scrunched his nose when he nodded. “Smarter than I look, that’s why. Keep the shark guy nearby, he’ll make sure danger stays outside where it belongs.”

Belle wanted to say something. Wanted it to be cute and passably witty, enough that there would be a second date so she could be more stubborn, only her tongue wasn’t functioning and she was so close to falling over it was honestly embarrassing.

Will’s eyebrows jumped again.

Before he did. Off the steps and back to the waiting cab, taillights not much more than a reflection of snowflakes before Belle was scrambling for her phone. Her fingers shook a little.

“Ma moitié, ma moitié, ma moitié,” she chanted. It turned into a gasp. As soon as Google returned with its translation.

My half.

Whatever sound tumbled out of her was neither cute nor entirely human, heart turning unstable again and the shark looked especially good sitting between the pillows of Belle’s bed. The same one she dropped onto with a laptop propped against her knees so she could figure out how the hell icing worked.

#scarlet beauty #is that the right tag?#scarlet beauty ff #are people going out of their way to read will x belle fic?#i am not sure i totaly care becuase i had a blast writing this #they like each other!#they're going to flirt some more!#no one else is going to understand their relationship!#blue line one shots #eleveneitherway #laura rambles

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rachelbethhines · 4 years ago

Text

TTS Songs Ranked Worst to Best

Someone asked me to rank my fav and least fav TTS songs a while back, but I’ve since then relistened to the soundtrack and there’s a whole bunch of songs that just forgot about, so here’s a more accurate ranking now that the songs are more fresh in my mind

32 . Life After Happily Ever After (Reprise)

This song is infuriating, because the finale is infuriating. Listening to this song just makes me angry all over again because it reminds me just how unsatisfying the ending to TTS was. I wanted to turn it off at several points. I barely can get through it despite it being so short. It doesn’t help that the soundtrack leaves all the dialogue in there and fails to actually end the song. It just cuts off before the final note.

31. Hook Foot’s Ballad

Does this even count as a song? Why is it here on the soundtrack but not the Hurt Incantation? Did Menken really waste his talent writing a joke and did the showrunners really waste money and limited resources on this?

30. Friendship Song

Bland, boring, and pointless. It was clearly written as a marketing stunt for the radio disney charts and not as anything to do with the plot of the series. They just throw it up on screen to fill out the running time and don't even let the whole song play through. It’s pitiful.

29. Waiting in the Wings (Reprise)

I didn’t think much of the original song one way or the other, but the reprise is soooo dumb. The plot twist it introduces winds up ruining the whole show and sabotaging both Cassandra’s and Rapunzel’s characters. It’s not even a nice sounding song on it’s own. The kid’s voice is irritating (who I’m sure is doing her best, but really little kids shouldn’t be made to sing professionally as a general rule) and the melody just as bland as the first time it was played. The only reason to like this song is if you’r a mega fan of Cassandra’s or her VA, which I am not. (Note: this is not a criticism of Eden Espinosa, I just don’t happen to follow any of the VAs in this show)

28. Through It All

I like the instrumentals in this song, and that’s about it. Everything about this song is wrong. It doesn’t fit the story, it’s a misuse of the cast and songwriters, it’s a waste of valuable screen time, the melody is dull, and the dang soundtrack had to throw in that lame dialogue about ‘greatest threat ever’ at the beginning. If you want a pump up song in your story then you got to earn it. You can’t just tell us things are bad, you got to show it. A joyful horseback ride and everyone sitting in a bar safe and sound isn’t threatening or depressing enough to warrant a cheering up session. Plus the song itself doesn’t add anything to the overall story.

27. The Girl Who Has Everything

Sometimes I think the writers were willing trying to sabotage themselves. It’s as if they were determined to make the only two main female characters in the show unlikeable bitches in season three. Don’t believe me? The creator Chris has said this song only exists to highlight how much easier Rapunzel has things than Cass and went onto say that Rapunzel was in the wrong during their conflict because ‘she held Cassandra back’. (Oh yeah she totally ‘held back’ the grown woman who left on her own accord, returned on her own accord, and then assaulted and tried to murder a bunch of people for no reason of her own accord.) But this song does succeed in furthering season’s three narrative that Rapunzel is a spoiled selfish brat. Shame the story fails to address this setup and never has Rapunzel learn to be a better person. Rather the narrative bends over backward to tell us how special Rapunzel is without any sense of self awareness and this song falls into that same trap; making it both irritating and pointless.

26. Listen Up

Yeah, I talked about this on my salt marathon, but I just don't like this song very much. The melody is fine but the lyrics are a real miss in my mind. It doesn’t help matters that the song is indeed pointless in the grand scheme of things.

25. Livin’ the Dream

This is much on the same level as Listen Up as it features the same problems. It doesn’t add to the narrative and the lyrics kind of let it down. I placed it higher just because I like the melody a little more.

24. More of Me

This song is a lot like the Friendship Song in that it was created to be an end credit song for the pop charts and you’d be forgiven in forgetting it even exists. However, it at least got to actually play all the way through. I think this song was a real missed opportunity. I honestly believe that it should have been the opening theme song of the show instead of Wind in My Hair. It’s more built to serve such a purpose and it’s a waste of resources not to actually use it. Alternatively, I would have accepted it being reworked into the actual series as a character song. Especially since we’re missing a song in season three due to budget cuts.

23. Wind In My Hair

Speaking of theme songs, I think I would like Wind In My Hair a lot better if i didn’t have to listen to it every episode. On its own it actually has a lot of things going for it; a nice melody, interesting instrumentals, good singing, ect. Unfortunately it’s just over exposed, and none of those elements lend themselves naturally to an intro song for a tv show. In fact the theme song feels really out of place and is edited oddly to fit the shorter intro.

22. Wind In My Hair (Reprise)

Honestly the theme song is mostly comprised of this reprise, but it has the opening instrumentals from the OG song frankensteined onto it. This means that the version that plays before every episode is on fullblast all the time to keep the energy up, but that’s not how the song is suppose to go. The actual reprise that plays in the pilot builds to a crescendo, starting soft and melancolony and getting louder and more hopeful and determined. It sounds a lot better in full because of that. It’s still too overexposed though. Both these songs would probably be higher on the list of not for the theme song version.

21. With You by My Side

This song is fine. It’s nothing special, but it’s not bad either. What knocks it down the list is the fact that Lance isn’t in it, despite Lance being right there. Like don't bother hiring a famous Broadway singer if you’re not going to have him sing! But that speaks more to the poor writing of season two than anything else. This song also doesn’t really add anything to the narrative as, contrary to what the writers intended, it doesn’t actually enhance the emotional impact of Cassandra’s betrayal later in the episode. The song itself is just tacked on and doesn’t take the opportunity to lay down any foreshadowing for that plot point.

20. Next Stop Anywhere

Another perfectly serviable song. It’s not bad but nothing outstanding. It gets the job done. It’s also really ho-hum and the soundtrack keeps all the unneeded dialogue, which is a pet peeve of mine.

19. Waiting In the Wings

Despite it’s hype, I never thought much of Waiting in the Wings. It’s got nice instrumentals and Eden Espinosa gives it her all in the singing department. The problem is it’s too generic. It’s a bare bones basic ass ‘I want song’. Cassandra's movations are weak and unsupported by the narrative, the melody is boring, and it honestly doesn’t add anything to her story. I mean it should, it’s her character solo, but because she’s written so poorly the song just winds up undermining the character in the end. All I’m saying is that, this is not the song from season two that I would have nominated for the Emmys. But it’s still Alan Menken, it’s still nicely performed, and given the rest of the competition for that year, it did deserve to win.

18. If I Could Take That Moment Back

This song is also pretty generic, but it’s less boring than I See the Light, (yeah, I said it, I See the Light is boring) so that’s a win in my book. Ergo this holds the title of the only New Dream duet that I enjoy. But there’s better stuff on this list.

17. Next Stop Anywhere (Reprise)

Well no, I take that back. The reprise of Next Stop Anywhere is also technically a New Dream duet. It’s still not anything amazing, but it works for what it is. Plus, Adria’s opening dialogue in the soundtrack version doesn’t bother me quite as much as some of the other dialogues choices that were kept in.

16. Stronger Than Ever Before

I really enjoyed this song in the moment. It’s catchy and fun, and it finally has Lance doing something rather than ignoring his existence. However it is borderline unnecessary in terms of story placement, and I’m slightly mad at it now that I know that we could have gotten a Rapunzel and Varian duet but it was scrapped for this instead.

15. Crossing the Line

Keeping with the theme of ‘songs I have conflicting emotions about’, we have Crossing the Line. This song is confused. It starts and stops, the melody isn’t clear, the orchestration is playing tug of war with the singers for dominance, and it’s basically Alan Menken and the show’s creators ripping off Frozen. (I guess he’s kicking himself for leaving that particular project?) But it’s interesting. I never heard anything quite like it. It’s memorable even if it doesn’t fully work. It’s got these interesting bits and pieces to it that just never quite comes together as a whole. Some of the lyrics are some of the best Glenn Slater has ever wrote and is far better than the story actually surrounding the song. Yet there’s other lines that are total cringe. Sometimes the song is bold and catchy and gets you all hyped up, and then other times its limp and staggering and feels so awkward to listen to. Yet it’s not boring or generic and so I have to place it higher than the rest of the songs that’s come before. (Also, there’s some amazing orchestral covers out there that really pulls together the various parts really well, just fyi)

14. Nothing Left to Lose

I really don't like this song. I’ve been one of its biggest critics ever since it was leaked by the marketing team earlier this year. And yet... I can’t in good conscience place any lower on this list. All of the problems I have with it are the exact same problems I have with Crossing the Line. It’s confused, the various pieces don't line up, the instrumentals are competing with the vocals, the song’s progression is weird with it’s constant key changes, some of the lyrics are good while others are absolute shit, ect and so forth. It also actively works against the story it's trying to tell. The song wants you to sympathize with Cassandra, but her lines are as shallow as a puddle and makes her look like a sociopath. Especially when she’s physically attacking Varian through out for no reason. Also neither character learns anything from the exchange and it fails to impact the story. By all accounts this is a bad song. But I’m Varian trash. There I said it. You happy? Varian’s parts in the songs are fine, good even, and the song is anything but bland. I would rather listen to a mess then be bored to tears by a competent yet standard four chord pop song.

13. I’d Give Anything

This song is nice to listen to. Story wise it absolutely sucks and shouldn’t have been in the finale at all. But it sounds pleasant. This is one of those songs that could pop up randomly on the radio and I would just think it it a nice sad break up song. I can’t say that about some of the other misplaced songs in the show. This one however, you can very much, absolutely divorce this song from the narrative and it would be fine. Now that’s not good writing, and it’s very much a waste of limited resources, but I’m rating the music here first and story second.

12. Buddy Song

The Buddy Song also absolutely did not need to exist but it also sounds nice. Plus, it makes use of Lance so I’m a little more lenient towards it. I can’t however place it higher since it really is just Alan Menken ripping off Alan Menken. Like, I would not be at all surprised to find out that this was originally a deleted song for Aladdin or something.

11. Bigger Than That

What can I say, Lance just gets good songs. When the show bothers to give them to him. Unfortunately, it’s not the best placed. It kind of interrupts the more important drama of Be Very Afraid, and probably should have been saved for a later episode. Especially since it hinges on a plot point that is contradictory to Lance’s character. We should have gotten a Varian and Rapunzel duet here and given Lance his own episode in the second half of season three. This song could have easily been refitted into being a bonding moment for him and the girls. That would also have filled out the season’s original songs to the usual eight instead of only seven.

10. Life After Happily Ever After

Now we’re getting to the good stuff. The top ten. The best of the best. This song makes the cut for three reasons. 1. It lyrically and musically interesting 2. It does the job of furthering the story and the characters and 3. Eugene’s part is so damn good. Like this song could have easily fell down into the ranks of ‘fine but generic’ if it wasn’t for the bridge with Eugene. That puts it over the top and to my mind makes it better than anything from the OG film. (well almost anything, Mother Knows Best is still great) This is the barometer by which I measure all of the music in the series. Is it better or worse than Life After Happily Ever After? Because this is the level that I equate good musicals with. What keeps on the tenth spot and not higher is the dialogue that still left on the soundtrack and the lack of a Cassandra introduction. That and also the rest of the songs are just flat better.

9. Hurt Incantation

Hurt, Decay, Reverse, whatever you want to call it, this was such a cool fucking concept. One that was utterly wasted by the show. I place this so high because it just sounds awesome! It looks good too, and it offered up so many possibilities from a story perspective. What lets it down is the lack of follow up for it and it’s too short. There’s needed to be another verse. It also should have been on the actual soundtrack instead of Hook Foot’s Ballad. (The Heal Incantation also was sung in What the Hair, but I’m not counting it since it was written for the film)

8. The Girl Who Has Everything (Reprise)

I hate the initial song and the set up that it took to get here, but I love this reprise. It’s perfect. This is what the story needed more of. Rapunzel taking her life into her hands, and her proposing to Eugene would have been the perfect capstone for her arc. In fact I’m angry we didn’t actually get that. There’s absolutely no reason why Rapunzel couldn’t have done so and we could have had her and Eugene engaged during the second half of season three. How much better would have it been if Cassandra threatened their wedding plans and that’s why they couldn’t go through with it until after the series ended? So much more tension that way.

7. I Got This

This is a really good song that actually futhers the characters and the narrative. Moreover it’s refreshing to see the heroine not be perfect and to fail sometimes due to her own inadequacies. It’s just a shame that the series didn’t follow through with this set up, but I appreciate the attempt all the same.

6. Set Yourself Free

This is the only song in the series that’s an actual satisfying pay off for anything. Music wise it’s nothing too special, but in terms of context it just works. We were sorely deprived of such resolutions and songs with actual meaning in the show.

5. View From Up Here

This song is too good for the episode it actually appears in. We needed something like this back in season one to introduce Cassandra with. It also sadly doesn’t fit with the wider narrative after season three. However I shall still appreciate it as a ‘what might have been’ type song.

4. Let Me Make You Proud

The only reason why this song isn’t higher is just overexposure and I’ve no one to blame but myself for that. I’ve listened to this song way too many times. As such it tends to alternate between this, View from Up Here, and the next song on the list. But make no mistake it is glorious. Fantastic instrumentals, set up, and of course amazing vocals.

3. Everything I Ever Thought I Knew

Yes, I know this plot point didn’t lead anywhere, but it works for this song at least. Also Eugene’s VA is a really underrated singer. He sounds nice and he emotes really well. Though I’ll be honest, this jumped up to third place because it was fresh in my mind after listening to the soundtrack before making this list. I’ve always liked the song and I do rate it highly, but it can change places with Let Me Make You Proud and View from Up Here at anytime depending on my mood.

2. Let Me Make You Proud (Reprise)

This song is heartbreaking! Story wise it probably shouldn’t exist because it gives away the twist too soon, but who cares, it’s awesome! Varian’s arc is the most compelling in the show and the only thing that saves TTS from falling into mediocre obscurity; and it’s songs like this that help make the arc stand out even more than it already does.

1. Ready As I’ll Ever Be

I said it before and I’ll say it again; Ready As I’ll Ever Be is the greatest thing Alan Menken has ever written in his entire career! If you know anything about the multiple award winning songwriter then you know that is no faint praise and I do not dole it out lightly. This song is the reason why this show even has a fanbase. People are still getting into the series because of this song. And no matter how many times you listen to it just rocks! It’s complex, layered, moody, and with a fantastic beat and energy. The performances are wonderful and the instrumentation glorious. It belongs in the hollows of Disney’s greatest hits and not regulated to a spin-off tv show that failed to make its money back. I weep for the lost potential that this song and this show had. It hurts to know that so many people will never see this flash of brilliance that has come out of the House of Mouse, will never know the wonderfulness that is Varian. Ah, ‘c'est la vie’, I suppose. Tangled the Series got what it deserved, but it's crew did not. While I can not in all honesty recommend the series in full; I do sincerely urge any Disney fan to check out the songs at the very least. Especially this one. And that’s it. There’s my official ranking of all the songs, and I hope those of you read my Tangled reviews appreciate the hours it took into making this.

#tangled #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #varian #rapunzel #eugene #cassandra #lance #alan menken #Disney #disney music #disney songs

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5sos-seavey · 4 years ago

Note

“PHASES” INSPIRED JJ FIC

it’s finally here after so long !! really hope you like it girl

Phases - JJ Maybank

Warning(s): some swearing

Word Count: 2416 (without the lyrics)

Tags: @snarkystarkey, @maybe-maybanks, @baby-bearie, @mayibeyoursbanks, @katie-avery, @kaceyjost

A/N: I decided to not switch through points of view but just kept writing while the povs kinda sorta change, hopefully it makes sense as you read but it might be more of JJ’s pov since the song is from the guy’s pov ALSO if you’ve seen the music video for phases I guess it’s kinda gonna be like that lol

I know you’re tryna do you, but I heard you fell off.

After a couple bad nights, and 20 cold hearts.

Tryna find a new you, but I heard you got lost.

Tryna figure your worth.

What the hell does that cost?

You and JJ had been together for a little over a year when you told him that you thought you needed some space and wanted to figure out who you were and what you wanted. At first JJ was confused, he thought you loved each other and wanted each other. “Please don’t be upset with me,” you had said to him. “Y/N I just want you to explain it to me.” “JJ, we’re so young, and I’m not saying I don’t love you, because I do, I love you so much, but I have no idea who I am. I don’t want it to be 3 years down the road and we decide that we don’t want to be together. I know that we’re young, but I honestly think that we’re it for each other. I just don’t want us to end up as that, right person, wrong time, couple.” JJ was nodding along as you had spoke, “okay. I get that. Just, please don’t like, I don’t know, forget me, I guess? Because I love you and I want to be with you.”

When I’m kissing ya, grippin’ ya thigh.

I realized you were destined and meant to be mine.

But who am I to conflict with ya livin’ your life?

Just know when you call, I’m at the end of the line.

JJ knew you were the one. He just wanted to be with you. But he didn’t want to get in the way of you finding yourself, because he didn’t want you to be the, right person, wrong time. He thought of you as the, right person all the time, no matter what. He also would never want you to feel pressure to stay with him because he wanted you to. He also didn’t know what kind of space you wanted so he would sometimes text you, reply to your story, whatever. It broke you, but sometimes you just didn’t answer him. You knew this was hard for him, but it was hard for you too.

JJ: just checking in, how are ya?

y/n: im good jj, thanks.

y/n: i know it’s been a couple weeks and we’re both kinda struggling with this but idk if we should be texting and shit while we’re figuring how exactly to navigate this. and it also won’t help in any kind of growth. im sorry jj

JJ was beside himself. He wanted to be there for you, but this was the one time you didn’t want that. He still thought it was important for you to know that he’s here for you.

JJ: i get that. don’t be a total stranger tho. if you ever need me or anything, i’ll be here

JJ never got a response to that message. But he knew, or at least hoped, you’d come to him if you ever needed.

I’ll practice my patience, while you’re getting wasted.

Till fate brings you home, I’ll wait through your phases.

You’ll shuffle through faces, like songs in your playlist.

Till fate brings you home, I’ll wait through your phases, phases.

It had been about two months since you asked for space and JJ was doing as well as he could be. He spent a lot of time at John B.’s to try and distract himself with John B., Ki and Pope. Even Sarah came sometimes. Sarah was surprisingly helpful actually, while his other three friends tried to steer clear of anything to do with you, Sarah wasn’t worried about bringing you up, “well she did say that she wanted to be with you right? Don’t look at it as a breakup because it’s not. And even if it does become one, which I highly doubt, it isn’t one yet.” JJ was shaking his head, “she’s seeing other people, she doesn’t ever talk to me and I know that I don’t talk to her either, but she asked for that. I don’t know Sarah, it’s hard not to treat it like a breakup.”

Ki started to agree with Sarah, “but JJ, she said she loves you; she just needs to know who she is. You don’t want her to resent you down the road.” JJ looked at Ki in shock, she never wants to talk about Y/N, she was always worried about upsetting JJ. He couldn’t argue with them, what they said made sense, and plus, you had been talking to those two more than you had been talking to him. And that was saying a lot because you only talked to the girls maybe once or twice a week, and you always tried to avoid talk of JJ because you didn’t want to be worried about how he may be feeling; he had said that he supported you in wanting to do this, so you were just going to stick to that.

It definitely did not help JJ’s worrying knowing that you’d go out and you’d be seeing other people, going on dates, doing whatever else you were going to do while you two weren’t together. He’d just have to wait on you, he wanted you to be as sure as he was.

Hittin’ all the right cues and you’re leaving your mark.

But I know that ain’t you, you’re just playing your part.

Tryna fit in them shoes, but you take it too far.

It doesn’t matter where it takes you, I’ll go wherever you are.

It had been four months now. You can’t lie, you missed JJ, but you can’t find yourself in four months just to go right back where you were before. Obviously not saying that going back to JJ would be bad, but it still seemed to early to go back to him now.

You’ve gone a quite a bit of dates, in the beginning, they were all one offs though. Two months ago you had met someone, things were going pretty well actually. You had gone on a few dates together, but you personally thought things had been moving too fast. When you brought it up though, it did not go well. You were told that you were “self sabotaging because you don’t want to be happy.” It goes without saying that you two were no longer see each other. Maybe you were self sabotaging, you definitely weren’t doing it on purpose though. You just always had a lot on your mind.

Since then, you’ve been going out a lot again, and surprisingly Sarah was joining you quite a bit lately. You had felt bad almost completely cutting off your friends just because they were also JJ’s friends. You just didn’t want it to seem like you wanted them to pick sides because ultimately, there were no sides. Right now Sarah was over at your place and you were waiting on the food the two of you had ordered before going out for the night, “so what’s the plan, Y/N?” “Guess we’ll just go to one of the bars or clubs downtown. Can you wing-woman me,” you asked her, lightly laughing. Sarah started slightly laughing along with you, “sure. But uh, and don’t take this the wrong way but, what if we just went out to have a good time tonight? If you meet someone, you meet someone. Don’t try to force finding someone.” You looked at Sarah thoughtfully, maybe she was right. The last few times you’d gone out, and with Sarah, she helped you find someone, and you’d gone on a few dates. Maybe tonight could just be more of a chill night out, “you know what, yeah, you’re right. Do you wanna call Kiara and see if she wants to join too?” Sarah was silent for a second while she stared blankly, “um, I actually don’t know if she’s free. I think she had plans tonight, uh, with the boys.” “Oh okay that’s fine, just me and you then,” you smiled at her. Sure you hadn’t seen Kiara in a while, maybe it was mostly on you, but sometimes it sucked, guess that’s what happens when you want a break from one of your friend’s best friend.

When I’m kissing ya, grippin’ ya thigh.

I realized you were destined and meant to be mine.

But who am I to conflict with ya livin’ your life?

Just know when you call, I’m at the end of the line.

I’ll practice my patience, while you’re getting wasted.

Till fate brings you home, I’ll wait through your phases.

You’ll shuffle through faces, like songs in your playlist.

Till fate brings you home, I’ll wait through your phases, phases.

I’ll wait, I’ll wait through your phases, phases.

For you, I’ll wait through your phases, phases.

I’ll wait, I’ll wait, I’ll wait through your phases.

JJ could admit that these past few months had been hard, but what he hated to admit even more was that it was also getting easier. You never texted him and even Sarah wouldn’t talk as much about you to JJ either. She felt bad because she had started hanging out with you more and more and she didn’t really want it to seem like she was rubbing it in JJ’s face in any way. JJ did appreciate that Sarah was doing that for him, and he also appreciated that you had Sarah, he figured it must’ve been hard for you not being able to talk to any of your friends, but it is what you decided.

JJ didn’t really go out much, he didn’t enjoy it as much as he used to when he would go with you. John B. did make him go out a couple times, especially recently since Sarah was going out with you. Nothing ever happened when he went out, he mostly would just sit at their table and had a couple drinks. JJ was waiting on you.

I’m really tired of being soft spoken.

You got me broke, writing songs about you daily and it’s messing with my focus.

You fuck with him, but we both realized that he was bogus.

I’m the one for you, so why do I feel like I go unnoticed.

I’m talking more than clothes hittin’ floors.

I’m falling off track, but not the rack, like a chore.

Oh, look, another butterfly, I feel it in my core.

Even though you ain’t mine, it’s the fact that I’m yours.

It’s the fact that my life ain’t complete without yours.

It’s the fact that at night I be tryna ignore.

Catching overseas flights just to knock on your door, cause you put my planet in orbit.

Stargirl, your body’s so solar.

Promise you, baby, I’m sober.

Just wait till you give in and finally come over.

I can’t wait to tell you, “I told ya, I told ya, I told ya.”

It’s been about half a year without any contact from you, and JJ is going crazy. Not only that, but now he’s more stressed and worried than he was in the first two months. He didn’t think it’d be like this for this long. He thought maybe you could’ve even been friendly with each other but if you weren’t going to message him, he didn’t want to feel like he was overstepping and intruding on your space.

JJ was also frustrated though because he really, really, really thought you’d at least even tell him that you didn’t want to be together by now. But maybe if you hadn’t it was a good sign, right? He needed to know something though, even if it wasn’t him directly that was finding out.

JJ: Sarah, can I ask you for a favour?

Sarah: shoot

JJ: could you see where Y/N’s head is at rn? I’m kinda freaking out

Sarah: actually I can do you one better

JJ: ??

Sarah: she’s still figuring things out BUT she’s not confused about things as much and she thinks she knows what she wants

Sarah: before you ask tho, she didn’t tell me where she stands or what she’s doing. she probably figured you’d ask or I’d tell you, which I wish I could do

Sarah: I know you’re stressing, but hopefully it won’t be for much longer bc she’ll tell you something soon one way or another

Sarah: but I hope it’s in the way that you’re both happy and together :)

JJ: thanks Sarah, I really appreciate it

JJ: keep me updated if she tells you anything or you hear anything

Sarah: of course, same goes for you

Wow, at the beginning of all this, JJ definitely did not think Sarah would be like his saving grace through it all. She’s honestly been the most helpful and straightforward, making sure JJ was feeling all his feelings and not hiding from any of his friends. She wanted him to know that she was there for him, and so were the boys and Kiara.

I’ll practice my patience, while you’re getting wasted.

Till fate brings you home, I’ll wait through your phases.

You’ll shuffle through faces, like songs in your playlist.

Till fate brings you home, I’ll wait through your phases, phases.

I’ll wait, I’ll wait through your phases, phases.

For you, I’ll wait through your phases, phases.

I’ll wait, I’ll wait, I’ll wait through your phases.

So much time has passed, and you knew now for sure, that you were ready to be with JJ. But since so much time had passed, with no contact at all, you weren’t sure how he still felt. What you did know was that you had to tell him everything you felt before because even though you knew you wanted to be with him, he needed to know that he wanted to be with you. There was not one bone in JJ’s body that didn’t want to be with you, but you didn’t know that.

Y/N: Sarah, do you know where JJ is?

Y/N: PLEASE DON’T TELL HIM IM LOOKING FOR HIM!!!!

Sarah: I won’t dw

Sarah: and he’s at John B.’s, we all are

Y/N: okay please all stay there

You were on your way to John B.’s and to say you were nervous was an understatement. You hadn’t seen any of them, other than Sarah, for half of a year. You just hope none of them changed their opinion of you and hated you now.

Y/N: I’m here, do you think you could try to get JJ to come out without telling him it’s me

You waited a minute until Sarah responded.

Sarah: he’s coming!!!

You waited on John B.’s front lawn and then JJ opened the door. You didn’t know what Sarah said to him to get him to come out, but he started looking around until he saw you, which caused him to do a double take. “Y/N? Wha-what are you doing here?” JJ started to come over to where you were standing. “I uh, I uh, wanted to see you. I-is that okay,” you were a lot more nervous than you thought you were going to be. “Yeah of course. Is um, something wrong?” “I guess that depends.” “Depends on what? You’re kinda worrying me.” “I have something to say to you. And I need to say it all before uh, any kind of decision is made.” “Oh um okay. Go ahead.” You took a deep breath and started.

“When I told you that I wanted to just take a break for a while, I said it was for me and to figure out who I was, which is partly true. I ended up realizing though, that wasn’t the only reason,” JJ tilted his head in confusion at you while you continued, “I realized that it was for you too. And yes, I know that it wasn’t your idea and you still supported me and the decision, but it was for you. It was for you through me. I wanted to make sure you were happy, I didn’t want you to regret being with me,” JJ opened his mouth to say something, but you stopped him, “I just wanna finish,” which he nodded at. “I didn’t want to end up being a burden on you and then have you resenting me in the future for who I was. And I know it sounds ridiculous, these scenarios that haven’t happened about problems you’ve never even voiced. But I guess I not only wanted to grow for me, but I wanted to grow for you, because I love you. I love you so much JJ Maybank.”

JJ had the biggest smile on his face as he pulled you into hug and then put his hands on either side of your face softly and kissed you. You swear you’d never been happier. JJ pulled away, both of you with the same goofy smiles. “I love you Y/N, so much. I’m just glad that we’re together again.” “Me too.” Then before JJ could kiss you again, you heard banging on the windows and when you and JJ looked, John B., Pope, Kiara and Sarah had all been watching through the window the whole time. You and JJ laughed while the four of them just cheered. “Let’s give em a show then,” and JJ pulled you into another kiss.

#jj maybank imagine #outer banks imagine #obx imagine #jj maybank #outer banks #obx #sams work

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flying-elliska · 4 years ago

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Skam France Season 6 Review

It’s that time, I guess. My feelings are, like many, mixed. I think I enjoyed the season more than most people here, but the ending was a massive let down. Overall it boils down to this : Skam France is great at moments and very bad at structure. A lot of my issues with the season is what is not in it. I saw so much potential that never quite materialized, and it left me frustrated. At the same time, Lola is a really cool character, her arc is really interesting, her relationship with her sister is one of the best things they’ve ever done, and the actors killed it. Loved La Mif, discovering other sides of Eliott, the urbex backgrounds, and Maya. A lot of fascinating character moments. This is definitely my second favorite season after s3 - at times I even thought it would equal it. Sadly, though, Skam France will remain a bit of a one hit wonder for me. Because they are so good at bringing up problems in a nuanced layering way - be it addiction, grief, eating disorders, internalized ableism, racist microagressions - but when it comes to resolving what they brought up, they default towards a ‘let’s all be nice to each other, hug or kiss, love saves the day yay !’ story. Which is, when you claim to deal with real world issues, simplistic, immature, and at times quite offensive. It works for s3, which is at its core a tale of self-discovery, self-acceptance and romance. But niceness doesn’t solve racism, and family problems aren’t solved with a hug, and addiction recovery doesn’t hinge on having someone to kiss, and the series came dangerously close to implying that at times.

All in all, this is a show that often manages to be both brilliant and terrible at the same time. At least it’s not dull.

Positives/Negatives/Meh breakdown :

Positives :

- Sisterly love : My favorite thing without a doubt is the relationship between Lola and Daphné. Flavie and Lula killed it. Almost all the clips that made me cry were the ones with the both of them in it. At the beginning their rivalry is so relatable to me : the responsible sibling who takes on too much burdens and is too controlling and parentified vs. the problem sibling who acts out to express the issues the rest of the family are repressing - i have been in both of those spots. you can see how they slowly realize that the gap between them didn’t need to be there, that it wasn’t their fault, that it was the result of their parent’s bullshit and even shittier circumstances. seeing them make little gestures to recognize each other’s pain, to nurture each other, to give each other support, but also to tell each other some unpleasant truths, was so incredibly powerful. Relationships between sisters can be just so...complex, and loving, and petty, and jealous, and supportive, and feral, and annoying, and understanding, and ugh, they made me feel all of that and more. I have a sister, and I have a relationship like that with her, and this season gave me some very important perspectives. Really, relationships between women aren’t explored enough, and this season really did this one thing excellently and if only for that, it deserves to be watched. That moment where Lola talks to Daphné about her self destructive tendencies...so important. I am so happy that Daphné was the one finding Lola in her tower of solitude, and the moment where she says ‘you pay too much attention to what other people think, Lola’ was the emotional turning point of the season for me, because it was Daphné recognizing Lola really cared behind her mask of coldness, but also that she was hurt by that and that she needed to love herself regardless of the love her parents didn’t give her ; and also that she heard Lola saying it to her and that it inspired her too, so there is this amazing reciprocity. It was so powerful, I’m still reeling from it. And it was a beautiful full circle from the beginning of the season.

- Family of outsiders : the urbex gang was such a wonderful new group this season. It was bound to be tricky getting us to like this new generation, and I think they did a pretty good job. Even tho I wish we got to know them a bit more, they were all intriguing and interesting on their own, and the vibes of Lamif as a whole were just so fun and lovely. Loved the neuroatypical vibes I got from Sekou and Jo. Love that they introduced a trans guy character. Loved Maya as group mom. And seeing them warm up to Lola was really sweet. The social media of them hanging out was more or less the only good social media we got this season lmao. The urbex thing was a great symbol for Lola finding a home with the outcasts, a bit on the fringe of society, and the start of acceptance, of bringing her in from the cold. Maya and Lola’s relationship fit in that really nicely, especially the bits about them talking about their shared experiences of grief, and my favorite scenes with them is showing Lola that her scars can be beautiful and that her rough experiences are part of who she is. The way she didn’t take Lola’s bullshit was great, and even tho I think their relationship was rushed, overall they really fit well together. Love Maya’s character as a concept in general, this funky purple haired lesbian environmentalist with amazing sense of style, and I really hope we see her again in upcoming seasons. And finally, I also really liked Eliott and Lola’s friendship (except for the ending) - the fact that they understand this darkness that they share, but that Eliott has succeded in climbing over it, and so he can give Lola support, understanding, guidance. I loved that we got to hear a bit more of his perspective on mental illness, the good and the bad times, that we saw his passion for movies become more real. I loved the fact that they bonded over creative things and photography, too, and that she found a safe space in the video store. And even tho it wasn’t resolved properly, the scene where he comes to get her and punches Aymeric really made me cry. Also, BASILE. Best bro in law ever. Their scenes together were so homey and warm and sweet. They will have such a good relationship in time. Overall, I really like how central friendship was in this season, shown as so powerful and important. They could have done more with it but I love a lot of what we got. I am just a sucker for found family, man.

- Lola herself : I know she was a controversial character right from the start. She’s been called manipulative, selfish, out of control, toxic. And honestly at times...maybe she was a bit. I still love her. She is just so interesting to me. The lack of compassion towards her in the fandom was seriously depressing at times, and often felt like a symptom of something I’ve seen in a lot of different fandoms, ie the capacity to only tolerate moral ambiguity when it’s attached to attractive white male characters - and to only tolerate mental illness symptoms when they can be romanticized. In the end, she’s a struggling teen from a deeply dysfunctional family who’s had a very rough life, of course she’s not going to be well adjusted. All in all, I think she’s so brave, and she is a fighter. I adored her feral energies in the trailer. I also really liked her blunt honesty at times, even if it was sometimes hurtful and excessive. I think because I have the opposite tendency to be afraid to speak my mind, I really dig a character who isn’t afraid to speak the ugly truth. Even though, again, ‘the truth’ isn’t always cut and clear, and what Lola is often doing instead is listening to ‘depression voice’ who tells her to believe the worst in people. I find that fascinating, because in my experience, yes, depression comes with this terrible lucidity that makes you see through a lot of bullshit but at the same time, is distorting your perspective because of fear and shame, and kicking that, and disentangling your perception from that fatalism, is very complicated. I loved how genuine she was, how mature too sometimes through the pain, more mature than she should have been. It was rough watching her relapse, but I think the portrayal of addiction was pretty very well done overall, not romanticized and explained in a very coherent way. I wish the show had given her a bit more of a clearer view of her inner thoughts towards the end and let her apologize a bit more. And a clearer realisation that her parent’s lack of well expressed love didn’t doom her. But...yeah Following her really made me question my own - more hidden - self destructive impulses, linked to family shit, that pushes me to sabotage and isolate myself. Like Eliott said to her - it’s really a lifelong struggle. I think overall her arc was pretty satisfying, learning to step away from the edge, letting people in, seeing that she isn’t alone, accepting she deserves better and that her failures don’t doom her. That it is about getting up and trying again. Love her using her mother’s camera and wanting to get a phoenix tattoo, a perfect symbol for her. Also Flavie was amazing, she’s got a bright future ahead.

Negatives :

- No follow up to the assault storyline : The thing that I am, without any single doubt, most mad about, is the fact they didn’t bring up the sexual assault again. Along with Charles’ rape apologism, this creates a very dubious pattern of trivializing the issue ‘as long as it’s not real rape’. The fact that the morning after immediately turns to Elu drama is what sort of started my disconnect from the season, and the fact that they don’t bring it up afterwards even once made me angry. I think Lola, before going back to the hospital, should have told someone about the abuse she endured there, and should have told someone about Aymeric, even if only to acknowledge she wants to be done with that part of her life. Aymeric is like...Lola’s biggest villain, in a sense, he is a horrible predator but he also somehow represents her worst impulses, that part of herself that tells her she doesn’t deserve better, and I think that as a character, he was interesting, and he should have been adressed/exorcised better. If Lola was a real person, of course, she would probably have to deal with this in therapy, down the line, later, but as a story, never adressing this again left it unfinished. And this is really the kind of event you NEED catharsis and resolution for. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible.

- A generally overstuffed and disjointed structure : My biggest problems with this season are about what isn’t and what isn’t it. I liked most of the clips, I don’t have an issue with them going dark, strangely enough, but the way they were put together was just...messy. Like many people have said, too much stuff not properly adressed. Palm of most annoyingly useless subplot, the whole Tiff thing. Yes, it was cool comparing her clique to Lamifex and Lola realizing she wants nothing to do with those shallow fake bitches. Sekou hacking her account to replace it with pigeons, amazing. After that though, it should have been DONE, and in general, it should have taken a lot less time and attention. Comparing Tiff’s social media addiction to Lola’s issues felt like some trivializing bullshit. The whole thing was just so annoying. It would have been good if it had led to some discussion of social inequality but like...not this shit. Char, equally useless (although, cool actress, cool style). Another MASSIVE problem is the lack of follow through on big clips. A great thing about SKAM, usually, is that it shows you the aftermath of big moments - characters lying in bed, cuddling, talk to their friends, crying in the shower, etc. It allows the viewer to breathe and really get into the character’s perspective, to be comforted and process drama, and for the emotions to resonate better, to have space to develop richly. Here...we had Lola brush off her assault, we saw nothing after Daphné got her back from the tower thinking she could have killed herself, we learned that they had money problems and the father didn’t go to work and then that was never adressed again and the light was turned back on by magic (????), we saw Eliott go on a major bender and didn’t really see how he got better, etc. Big lack of introspective clips in the latter part of the season took me out of Lola’s head. It was all stressful and breathless, all intensity and no pause like one grating high pitch note instead of music, it felt oppressive, with poor contrast, and very badly paced. It made everything blur together and feel less relevant. The problem with that is it really takes you out of the story ; it’s hard to care when you know whatever is happening might not have a resolution, and it doesn’t put you in the shoes of the character. This was compounded by how mediocre the social media was, when it is usually used to bridge in the gaps. And then to finish : the structure was so uneven, especially in the second part of the season. Towards the middle we had some very short episodes with very underwhelming endings, and Vendredis that felt like non events, and there wasn’t a lot happening - and then, bam, ep 9, drama overload, almost like misery p*rn, and then a super rushed resolution in ep 10. Like they cared more about twists and giving the opposite of what was expected instead of solid coherent narrative and rhythm. The romantic back and forth felt repetitive as hell too. All in all, it made for a very unsatisfying live watching experience, pretty sure anyone who didn’t watch live would like it a lot more.

- The last two episodes : Really, I could have overlooked all the problems with the season if they had given us a good ending, but...they really really didn’t. And contrasted with last season, where my problems were focused on the middle, for me the ending is really the worst part of this season. I didn’t dislike the controversial club clips, I liked having the insight into Eliott’s insecurities, but they should never have brought those up if they weren’t going to let him adress them properly. Having everything go to shit in Lola’s life at once felt like overkill - they really should have solved those problems earlier, and then dealt with a few ones properly, showed us Lola freaking out on her own, and taken out the bullshit at the high school. Thierry slapping her was also too much, he could just have said these clumsy things. She could have distanced herself from Maya instead of pushing her away again. Also, they really should have had this happen in episode 8 again, and given us a proper resolution. While the tower sequence was incredibly powerful, I pretty much liked nothing after that. It was so annoying that Eliott brushed off Lola’s apology because while he wasn’t wrong that he decided to get drunk himself, she still needed to apologize and actually state that she wanted to get better so she didn’t hurt her friends, so as a resolution it was very mediocre. Thierry recognizing they should have given Lola the choice to go the hospital was a step but really not enough. And the moments with Maya were cute sure but mostly cheesy and unearned. Same for the ending clip. Mostly it’s such an unsatisfying farewell to the old generation, and it really feels like they wanted us to force to move on - didn’t want to properly recognize the end of an era, gave us almost nothing about their BAC or their future plans, etc etc. Also, letting Charles talk and having Arthur and Alexia kiss again ? SO BAD. UGH. I will be forever disappointed they didn’t give us a Multi POV or at least sth better on social media. And not having Eliott’s POV or at least a real Elu conversation (pretty much all season...) so frustrating I will never not be bitter about that. So yeah. The season started so powerfully but went out with a whimper instead of a bang. That whole ‘romantic love solves everything!!!’ shtick...very undercooked tbh.

Meh :

- Mayla’s development : I wanted to stan them SO BAD. Like, wlw in skam (that doesn’t turn into a panphobic mess?) YES, all the way yes. Maya and Lola had great chemistry, great dynamic. I loved their first few clips, the kind of confrontational flirting, the boldness, it was like...damn girls ! we love a non useless lesbian ! But...somewhere along the way, their relationship really suffered from the wacky plot structure. They should have shown us more bonding before we got to the angsting (esp during first urbex night). Also, their first kiss was sweet but I hated the ‘you’re my addiction’ line and that kind of put a damper on it. I liked the scenes where they open up about difficult things, the love Maya showed to Lola’s scars, the dandelion symbolism was lovely, but it wasn’t balanced enough with other stuff, and I felt Maya was way too stoic at times. And I really, really didn’t like the ending, honestly. They kept a good balance all season showing Lola wasn’t relying entirely on romantic love, that her family and friends were also important - but saying ‘i’m okay as long as you’re here’ at the end...honestly that sounds unhealthy and codependent as fuck. I really wish they’d done a more subtle, taking it slow ending for them.

- The financial issues : Again a storyline with much potential that wasn’t dealt with properly. It’s really good that we got a main that wasn’t from an economically priviledged background. Especially it felt very relevant to Daphné’s storyline, with the shame she felt at her friends seeing her place, the pressure to make it work, tying into her ED, etc etc. But cutting off the power, the father not working going nowhere...it’s like the plotline meandered and then vanished into thin air. Instead of that, they could have given us a scene of Daphné freaking out over the bills like in OG w Vilde, keeping the focus on her for that plot because she’s the most affected ; and then in the end of the season the father taking them over from her and telling her he’s found another job and that those things shouldn’t be her responsibility. That would have been relevant, instead of just...a loose end.

- Family issues : The Lecomte family dynamic seemed fascinating to me at the start. The mom being this shadowy complicated figure. The inability of the father to deal with anything. Daphné being parentified, Lola becoming the symptom child. They could have done a lot with this, but in the end, it felt like it was brushed aside too easily by saying the mom sent letters so she wasn’t too bad and Thierry is making breakfast so he’s trying. Not enough. I wanted them to let Lola acknowledge she deserved better and that their parent’s crap wasn’t on her. That her mom should have looked for help and the other two shouldn’t have pretended everything was okay. In general, there is way too much pressure to overlook toxic parent behavior and I wish they’d been clearer about this.

- Mental health portrayal : Some parts of it were really good. Showing Daphné’s ED, letting Eliott talk about his episodes and relapses, showing some of the dark sides of depression and addiction. They just needed to show more of the recovery, because that is often the representation that they lacked the most. I don’t blame them for showing the bad sides of the mental healhcare system (which is terribly outdated and dysfunctional in France, I’m speaking from experience) but they should have shown the good too. Like do they find recovery boring or something ? Because as a person w MI, that’s actually what I’m dying to see, and they’ve been a real letdown in that department. I also think they should have acknowledged that the Lecomte family has mental issues as a whole, that the mother should have gotten help, and the father probably needs it too (still think they should have gone to therapy as a group lol).

- Elu and Eliott’s development : Honestly, not a big fan of how they wrote Lucas in s5&s6, in a lot of clips he was the angry guy with a temper, I miss s4 Lucas who was so compassionate and showed real growth and emotional intelligence. Here it just felt like they were fitting his character to plot needs, and it’s so sad for a character who had such an amazing story development. Now, I loved the glimpses of domestic Elu we got, how Axel and Maxence really showed the intimacy that had grown between them, they really felt married with all the nonverbal conversations and touches, that was sweet. But it’s so annoying that they hinted at Lucas’s insecurities and Eliott’s lack of communications and just brushed it away with ‘oh they love each other they will be okay’ sure bitch but then show us how ? that’s the interesting stuff ? it really feels sometimes like the writer(s) didn’t like how strongly the fans focused on the romance when they wanted to be talking about MATURE dark stuff not that frilly fluffy romance shit *eyeroll* male writers who think they’re above that stuff is so annoying as is the conflating of dark and mature - anyway. Again I liked seeing Eliott in his element this season, he is really thriving, with his movie and the video store, and that made me very happy. I don’t think it’s unrealistic he didn’t make a lot of friends in uni - French university can be so isolating, there isn’t a campus or a vibrant social life like in the US, it’s a very common experience to feel lost and isolated for newbies and it was also my case - but ? Sofiane ? Idriss ??? They could have found a better excuse to implicate Lamifex in the movie making tbh, like Jo egging him on about her passion for directing or whatever, and Sofiane could have been there chilling with them it would have been so cool. I just wish Eliott would have had more of an arc like Daphné did. It wouldn’t have taken much, and since he is my favorite character, I will never not be disappointed at all the wasted potential.

Yeah so in the end i think this was a very good story they didn’t entirely give themselves the right storytelling tools to tell. Like there is something in the way they prioritize certain moments over others that...I just find very frustrating and weird. So...flawed, but still very interesting overall.

#skam france #skamfr s6 #lola lecomte #mayla

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incorporealbagelbeing · 4 years ago

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So like. Complied from myself and every theory I've read, I feel like there's a lot to cover in the simulation theory

Only certain members of the crew are present. Given everything I've seen, I believe that everyone EXCEPT Juno and Peter are in this. Will cover the other characters in other points, but I believe only Juno and Peter are not in the simulation because Dark Matters would assume that each person would have their own goals with repairs, but didnt know what Juno and Peter would do. I think they knew that Jet would do most repairs with some help from Buddy and Vespa, and would focus on the Ruby7 (more later). Buddy would be trying to help fix the ship, would be trying to keep the team together and functioning (mistrust due to Shadows on the Ship), and would be planning, analysing, strategizing. Vespa would again help with general repairs and the medical bay, and they would know just enough to figure that she's going to be trying to come to terms with all the stressors in her environment, including mild inconsistencies. Rita would be trying to save systems and computers and food. All this to say, Juno and Peter are the only two controlled because sure, we could say "Peter would be stuck with a broken leg" but they dont know if he would be busy or realize that they were in a simulation. Also, Juno's a detective and has had run-ins with Dark Matters tech, he would know what was up.

The Ruby7 is off. That's a given. The question is: do our characters not know things about Ruby, are our characters actually puppets created by Dark Matters, or is Dark Matters trying to work out how the Ruby7 works as a highly competent vehicle that has otherworldly capabilities, such as a self-driven rescue mission, creation of bombs, the Pelican Bootleg, memorization of M'Tendere's key? I think its the last one. They would have to manipulate people into dropping information to learn.

I think that Rita is ignoring red flags (or! Appears to be! She's smart most of the time! She knows Juno!) Or is messing up colossally (@ernmark posted this, and like, I really see them doing all of this) but I choose to believe that Rita would ignore more dramaticized or odd things like the unknown force pulling them out of the water because it fits with the streams, but I think she realized something was up when Juno came on the scene. This can again be one of two things, with option one being that she noticed his newfound acceptace of computers and has been quietly sabotaging her own plan, leading Dark Matters on, or she outright didnt trust him from the start and came to Nureyev first because she assumed he was trustworthy and she's gonna try to take them down somewhere along the way to make sure she isn't being tailed/ find a way to hack the simulation from inside.

I also think that Nureyev's depression instrument wont be brought up again or will be a pivotal piece, as it all depends on if he plays instruments outside of simulation. If he plays outside of the simulation, I'm betting that he feels useless and not trusted, which is something he tends to put stock into. Therefore, he makes himself useful by learning M'Tendere's key. And Rita is upset by the whole Tools of Rust episode, and her hearing the melancholy music is close to the definition of "depression instrument". If the case, I hope to God he doesnt know the tune yet. Dark Matters knowing the key is bound to be bad. If he doesnt play in real life, I'm willing to bet that Simulation Peter is a way of finding out the key. They didnt know MTendere or their key. This could be a convinient way to learn it.

I'm actually highkey worried about Juno. Reasoning? We didnt hear from him during Tools of Rust. There was a suspicious note along the lines of "well, hope he's ok...oh nvmd" which makes me wonder: is there a chance that Juno hasnt been himself in several episodes? I hate to say it, but what if he s been manipulated by Dark Matters for a while now as a spy? Just saying... But either way, I feel like hes acting weird and Rita's known him long enough to be suspicious. Also this could be me overanalyzing

Buddy knows something is wrong. Shes been to dark places, and she knows every member of the crew. There's a reason she's worried about just getting the ship back in the sky, and its because she's seeing all of the inconsistencies. She knows that Jet knows as much as he can about Ruby, she knows Juno isnt Like This, and she's probably suspicious of the smooth landing. I bet Buddy has more in mind than she lets on, and she's treading incredibly carefully.

Juno and Peter may have also been created to guide Rita in her mission as well. They both support her plan and dont really point out anything that could sabotage the plan (like the fact that Dark Matters owned the tech beforehand? ) and they near unconditionally accepted everything she was doing (which I'm hoping gave Rita the final clues she needed to realize that they're trapped in a simulation. Juno would bring up AT LEAST a few points) and they didn't even try to tell other crew members about their findings. All of this seems shadily like Juno and Peter are cardboard cutouts of themselves created to further the next plot. Hell, we can even add in distractions that would mean that Jet, Buddy, and Vespa were unavaliable.

The whole "oh Morpheus facility...how original" line indicates that its a construct of the game. This is tbh one of the bigger and better clues, not even just for the name. I think that it indicates either that 1. The Morpheus Facility is the real name, or 2. Its a made up mission to assess Rita's skill.

Also as a bonus I doubt that the Sasha Wire we know is involved with this. Sasha has seen corruption in the Hyperion police force and left because of it. Either she's gonna be a cool double agent and is gonna break the whole crew out and help them take down Dark Matters (here's how Rita/Sasha can still win!), or shes been THEIAed or something similar. Either way, I want her to be mentioned or have a reappearance, and I think shes gonna get one.

#the penumbra podcast #this got really long #sasha wire #jet sequiliak #jet siquliak #vespa ilkay #buddy aurinko #juno steel #peter nureyev #and rita #rita penumbra #rita the penumbra podcast #rita tpp #juno steel and the mega ultrabots of cyberjustice #ultrabots episode #penumbra spoilers #tpp spoilers #dark matters #god i hope no ones actually dead

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dear--charlie · 3 years ago

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Dear Charlie,

I'm in total crisis mode, and I guess you need some context for it to make sense. It's my sister's birthday, and I got our friends to come over for a day or two of hanging out. Normally, this is hard to do because Jack works all the time (and his mother is still very controlling) and Nikki can't find someone to watch her puppy. But, the stars aligned for this. Jack managed to swing sleeping over last night and tonight, and Nikki can come over tonight too.

The other bit of context is that I have a girlfriend now. I have a lot of feelings about it, and I can’t even begin to explain them, but just know that it’s not serious and the newness of it all is freaking me out to the point that I kind of feel like calling the whole thing off so I don’t have to get hurt. That’s a lot to throw at you, and maybe I’ll write a letter about her in the future, but not right now. Right now, I have a bigger problem.

The last bit of context that you need, that you kind of already know, is that I used to have feelings for Jack. I wrote to you years ago, when I was a freshman in college and using a different pen name, about how I loved him, how it broke my heart that he didn’t feel the same. My problem — the crisis — is that I don’t know if those feelings ever went away.

I need to start from the beginning.

I don’t remember exactly how it started. One day, Jack and I were in class together, and something made us laugh. Who knows what it was anymore? It’s not important. The point is that I knew, right then, that I loved him. We were laughing and I was looking at him, and I fell totally, completely silent while the sound still bloomed around me. I just looked at him and felt so scared, because I realized how I felt about him and didn’t know what to do.

I sat with that feeling for months, maybe more than a year if the dates of my old letters are anything to go off of. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by confessing anything, and he had his own shit to deal with, so I refused to complicate things any further. The problem came when I went to a Halloween party on campus. It was something small, just five or six of us crammed into someone’s dorm, but I’d downed a good seven shots of blue raspberry vodka in the span of a few hours. I didn’t feel drunk, or even tipsy, but I guess it’d given me the courage (or impaired my thinking enough) to tell him how I felt. He was two hours away, and it was two in the morning. I was walking back to my building and the sky was so dark, the air so crisp. I can remember the blue light of my screen illuminating my face while I poured my heart out to him. Then, once I was back in my bed, I shut my phone off so I couldn’t see his reaction.

He was nice about it — he’s always nice — and said that he didn’t feel the same way, but that a possible relationship in the future wasn’t off the table. I remember being mad at him for that. I mean, not at first. Because, at first, all I could focus on was the fact that he said he could see us being together in the future. That giddiness lasted for a day or two, maybe longer, and then the frustration set in. The letters are still up, they’re really melodramatic to me, but I still think the emotions ring true. I was mad because he made me feel like there was hope, and I was mad because it would’ve been easier to move on if he’d just said it was never gonna happen. I wanted to move on, Charlie. Loving him hurt so bad, because I knew it’d never be requited, and I wished that I could’ve loved someone else. So, I was mad.

We kept talking, of course. It didn’t really make things awkward. At least, he never acted like it. Who’s to say how he actually felt? Maybe being around me was like pulling teeth. I don’t know. I won't ask. I sent more letters about him, what I wanted to say and why I could never bring myself to do it. After months of wildly swinging back and forth between pessimism and hope, Nikki’d had enough. She knew about the whole thing, and she was upset that Jack led me on about a potential future relationship (even though he hadn’t meant to). She made him settle things, and I wish I could remember exactly what he said. I want to say that he drew a line in the sand and told me that it wasn’t gonna happen, but I know I’m wrong. Regardless, he made it clear that I needed to move on. So, I did. It took a while, but, eventually, I was so far removed from any romantic feelings towards him that looking back on my old letters made me feel ridiculous, that I was wondering if it was actually love at all. I think it was. I look back on it and I still think it was. In some ways, it was the only time I ever truly loved someone like that.

The problem came last night. We were talking about a new show that I’ve been watching with him. It felt similar to the time I realized I loved him. There was this moment of silence — comfortable, easy silence — and I wanted him to lean in and kiss me. It felt like I got suckerpunched in the chest. I haven’t felt like that in years. It’s been two fucking years, Charlie, and I thought those feelings were gone.

I think the thing that scares me most is the thought that came after. I realized the thing that’d come to mind in the moment, that I wanted him to close the space between us and kiss me, that I wanted him to crawl into my bed and hold me while we slept. I realized it, and nothing about it felt wrong. It should feel wrong. I just wanted it so desperately, so much, that I entertained the idea and wondered what would happen if he actually did those things.

Then, I was scared. I was just absolutely horrified, and I still am. What if these feelings never went away? What if I just fooled myself into thinking I was over him? What if these feelings never disappear? What if I’ll always love him in some latent, repressed way? I wanted to text Nikki and ask for her help, but it was late and I felt embarrassed about telling her how something she thinks — I thought — we settled years ago. I’m glad I didn’t text her, because I think I would’ve rambled and made no sense, but I still want her advice. Maybe I’ll ask her for it once these next few days have passed.

I don’t know what to do, okay? I’m overwhelmed and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel guilty, because I shouldn’t even be having thoughts like that. He’s my best friend, he has feelings for someone else, and I have a fucking girlfriend for fuck’s sake. I know that the fact I might still have feelings for him says enough about my relationship and where it’s headed. I think I’ll talk to my therapist before making any huge decisions like breaking up with her. What if this is just some weird, freak thing and I never think about Jack in that way again? What if I was just delirious and excited?

Sometimes, I’m scared I can’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic love. I know that I can tell the difference, but I still worry about it. I’ve fallen for a lot of my friends. I know you know that already. You’ve heard about Reise and Gabe, you haven’t heard about Maggie but I don’t even consider that a real relationship (not that I ever had a relationship with Reise or Gabe, nor would I say I actually loved them so much as had a crush on them). On some level, I think a lot of people fall for their best friends. I’ve heard tons of stories like that, of people who were childhood or college best friends that ended up getting married. On another level, I’m not sure if it’s normal. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it feels like there might be a pattern. Maybe I like the appeal of already knowing someone and them knowing me before I fall in love with them. Though, I have to say, I definitely don’t think I’m in the minority on that one.

My biggest problem, among the many I have with this situation, is regarding my girlfriend. It’s really not fair to compare her to Jack, because they’re wildly different, but I can’t really help thinking about it. Lani is amazing. We matched on Bumble in December, spent months talking with a few breaks dispersed between, and officially got together a little more than two weeks ago. It’s not in any way serious, either. We’ve only managed to meet up in person the one time, and it was really awkward because we were both nervous. Lately, we haven’t been talking much because she’s been really depressed. I get it, because that’s why some of the months we were talking had breaks, because one of us was struggling with our mental health and couldn’t manage to communicate with anybody. I really like her. The group chat likes her too, she fits in well with my friends. She has so much in common with me too, sometimes it’s kind of hilarious.

I feel horrible about this next part.

A few days after we made things official, I started getting the urge to bail. It’s not because I don’t like her, because I do. It’s not because I don’t want a relationship, because (I think) I do. I’ve been trying to figure it out with my therapist. When I explain it to her, it usually goes like this: we don’t know each other super well yet, I’m still not sure if we have chemistry, and it’d be so much easier to not be in a relationship with anybody. It sounds really awful when I say it, I just mean that taking care of myself is something that I’m finally getting better at, and I don’t know if I’m capable of adding responsibility for another person’s feelings to the mix. Not that I’d even be responsible for her feelings. On some level, yeah, I would be, but not entirely.

There’s been this little voice in the back of my head that tells me to ruin everything and tell her I just want to be friends. I’ve gotten good at ignoring it, because I’m pretty sure it’s just my urge to self-sabotage any good thing that happens to me. And, maybe, that’s what this whole thing with Jack is about. Maybe my brain wants a reason to call things off with Lani, so it recycled old feelings with Jack to throw me off. I don’t think that’s it, but it’s a potential theory.

My therapist says that I don’t like change and I don’t want to get hurt. I know she’s right. I really fucking hate change, that’s not new for me. I don’t even like buying new clothes because it’d disturb the rotation of outfits I already wear (that being the same three t-shirts and five pairs of jeans). This is a really big change, alright? I admit that. I haven’t dated anyone in seven fucking years and the last time I had sex...well, I already told you the situation surrounding that in my last letter. As for getting hurt, I don’t want that either. Nobody wants that. I think the bigger issue is not wanting to be vulnerable. I don’t know if I like the idea of letting Lani get to know me in the ways my friends know me already. It took years to get to that point and I don’t like opening up about myself. That’s funny to me, because I’m so open with them now, but it’s also a little sad.

The problem is, I think I have to compare Jack and Lani. They’re so different, and it still isn’t fair, but it kind of puts a lot into perspective. Just to get it out of the way: gender doesn’t matter to me, it never mattered to me, and I don’t know if I ever mentioned that to you, but I’m saying it now (surprise!). This isn’t some thing about my sexuality being repressed and me feeling like I have to engage in compulsory heterosexuality by being with a woman, because I truly couldn’t give less of a shit about that. I think this might be about potential.

Right now, my relationship with Lani is new and uncharted territory. Things are awkward and I sometimes feel like I’m walking on eggshells to avoid screwing things up. It’s like that phase of a high school relationship where you’re both still trying to impress each other out of fear they’ll lose interest in you for being yourself. It’s fucking exhausting, and I don’t know how long we’ll be in that phase. She’s also beautiful. She’s really beautiful, and I’m attracted to her, but not in that way yet. The thing is, I don’t know if there will even be a yet, because I can’t picture it. What if I just never end up feeling that way about her? I worry about that a lot, and I’m not sure how much of that is from a lack of truly knowing each other or from what happened to me. I told her, pretty quickly after we made things official, that it was possible I’d never be able to have sex with someone again. She doesn’t care, of course. It’s not some dealbreaker for her. She understood my reasoning behind it after I explained and she wants to take things slow anyway, so sex wouldn’t even be on our horizon for a while regardless of my complicated relationship with it.

I keep circling back, but the issue — the crisis again — comes up when I compare her to Jack. We know each other so well. I’d dare to say, right now, that he probably knows me better than anybody (besides my sister or my cousin, Bella). I never have to worry about him not liking me when I act like myself and I never have to worry about not liking him when he acts like himself. We’ve been friends for so long that we’re never anything but ourselves, and that’s a really freeing feeling. I know it’s just because I’ve known him longer, so it isn’t fair to her to give him that credit, but it makes me feel less anxious, less tired, and I never felt like I had to censor myself with him, even when we just started talking.

Jack is beautiful too. I know he doesn’t feel that way, but everyone thinks it, especially now. He grew his hair out, and it kind of surprised everyone that he has curls. It really suits him, but I’m getting distracted. It makes me embarrassed to say this, but I have felt that way about him before. When I was in the full swing of it, when I used to write you letters, I actually had thoughts like that about him. Those thoughts weren’t all it was, but they came to be a part of it.

He knows what happened to me. He knows all of it. I’d broken down one night and started crying, telling him that I thought I’d been sexually assaulted and couldn’t remember all of the details. He was one of the main people, besides Reise or Bella, who helped me come to terms with it. It’s not a subject that comes up a lot, obviously, but it makes me feel better that I never have to explain. Something horrible happened and now my mind is stained because of it, and he understands.

So, what I’m about to say is really big, and it makes me feel like I’m rotten from the inside out — like I’m a stupid, heinous piece of shit. It makes me feel guilty and horrible and disgusting. I know that I’m disgusting, okay? You can think less of me for it, if you want.

If it ever got to that point, if we ever found ourselves in that situation, I think I could sleep with him. And I don’t mean that I fantasize about us having sex, or that I’m even at a place where I’d want to right now. I just mean that, if it happened, I know it wouldn’t send me spiraling.

Most of the time, when I think about the first time I’ll sleep with someone since my assault, I anticipate it ending in a total and complete disaster. I mean, for fuck’s sake, sometimes I can’t even touch myself without having a panic attack or feeling like his hands are around my throat again. I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if I had sex again. There are times that I think I could do it, that I want to do it, and other times where I’m sure I would have a meltdown so bad that it would send me back to the hospital. I am a pendulum, and I swing wildly, back and forth, between those two feelings. So, please try to understand me when I say that this is no small admission.

He’d be careful with me. He’d make sure I was okay. He’d probably even be hesitant to do anything until he knew I was going to be one hundred percent okay. None of this is to say that Lani wouldn’t do those things either. I’m not saying I couldn’t grow to trust her like that, it’s just really difficult to grasp. I say that about him because I know, truly, that the last thing he’d ever want to do is hurt me (and, again, not saying that she would want to hurt me). Sometimes, and I hate myself for saying this, I think that he might be the only person I could sleep with after what happened to me. Sometimes, I want him to be that person. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it, and it’d mean that much more to me if my feelings toward sex would start to improve because of it. I know that’s horrible. You don’t need to tell me.

All of this makes me feel like I’m poisonous, like I’m a fucked up person who only ever hurts people. I don’t want to feel like this. I feel guilty thinking about Jack in any way more than a friend and then hanging out with him like things are normal. I feel even worse entertaining or acknowledging those thoughts when I have Lani. That’s why this scares me. And maybe it is just some weird, intensive thought. Maybe my brain just decided to throw that shit at me and see what I’d do. I don’t know, and it’s killing me. I don’t even want to know what will happen if those feelings keep up. I don’t want them to. It’ll just ruin everything.

I went out a few minutes ago to see if he was awake yet, and to ask if he wanted anything from the coffee shop my mom is headed to on her way home from getting my sister some balloons. He’s asleep on the couch. It’s 9:17 in the morning and the sun is peeking through the spaces between the slats of the blinds. Light dances, it rains down upon his face in warped lines. He’s smiling, albeit softly, even in his sleep, and he’s the most rested as I’ve ever seen him since he started his newest job (so, eight months). I was quiet when I walked into the living room, just in case he wasn’t up, and I felt seasick at the sight of him.

I read this book last week, the first one I’ve managed to sit through and finish in months. There was this line that really stuck out to me and, right then, it’s all my mind would give me. You know that feeling, when you're watching someone sleep and you feel overwhelmed with joy that they exist? It was all I could think of and it hit me like a freight train, so I turned around and walked straight back into my room without double checking to see if he was awake.

I can’t silently pine over him and act like things are fine. I can’t do that. I won’t. It was so fucking painful the last time and I don’t know if I can handle it again. The worst part about it was that I couldn’t talk to him about it! How was I supposed to vent about loving him and not being loved back without being totally obvious that I was talking about him? It really hurt to keep that secret from him and it ate me alive. It’d only feel worse the second time around.

I hope it’s a fluke. I hope I look back at this letter and chastise my past self for being ridiculous or overdramatic. I hope, even if it isn’t a fluke, that I can force those feelings out of me. I know it didn’t work before, that it took almost a year to get over him, if I did at all, but I hope it would this time. I don’t think my heart could take it otherwise.

I need advice, Charlie. I don’t know what to do. Please, please tell me what to do.

Love Always, Just Nick 06 | 15 | 21

#dear charlie #Just Nick

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