#and she die in the end anyway so what's the point?
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A Heart Imprisoned: Vi's Time In Stillwater
**Spoilers For All Of Arcane**
Vi is all of fifteen years old, when she is kidnapped by the Sheriff of Piltover himself and thrown into the bowels of Stillwater prison. There she will spend seven years of horror, isolation, abuse, and fear. Accused of no crime, with her name not even on the record, she has no hope of escape or mercy until the naïve rookie Enforcer who will change her life comes to her cell.
What I want to try and delve into today, is the impact these seven years have on Vi as a person. Vi continues to be one of the most grossly misunderstood characters in this show. Even now I can come up with no logical explanation as to why, but that's okay. I don't think logic plays a big part in the anti-Vi crowd's day-to-day anyway. But! Still we soldier on, and hopefully by the end of this I can illuminate a tragic part of this remarkable character's story in a worthwhile way, and lend even more to the cause of helping see the humanity in her story.
Lead Up:
I have covered the events of Vi's childhood in heavy detail in other documents. So here, I will just run down a quick list for understanding.
Sees death of birth parents on bridge of progress: Age 9
Spends 6 years as part of family with Powder, Vander, Mylo and Claggor: Age 9 - Age 15
Vander, Mylo and Claggor all die violently in front of her. She barely survives brawl with more than ten armed thugs working for Silco, she is wounded during incident, she is separated from Powder in traumatic manner that leaves her ravaged by guilt.
Imprisoned for seven years until Caitlyn Kiramman frees her: Age 15 - Age 22.
To say Vi's life even before Stillwater has been harsh is a mild understatement to say the least. She begins her story in tragedy. And even though Vander and her siblings love her, the undercity is a hard and dangerous place to grow up. She is not saying things like "wanna see how that ends" to a knife wielding attacker at fifteen years of age because her life has been easy.
We also need to review a few telling things about Vi before her imprisonment to better understand the teenage girl who is sent to Stillwater.
"When people look up to you, you don't get to be selfish.. whatever happens, its on you"- This lesson of Vander's will come to haunt Vi's life for years. He gives her this speech entirely from a place of love and support, talking to her about being aware of the consequences of her decisions as the other kids look up to her. But when things go so..so wrong. Vi internalizes this to the point that she is unable to move on from the guilt of what occurred.
"I grew up knowing I'm less than them, that my place is down there. I want Powder to have more than that, and I'm willing to fight for it."- Take note of what she says. She doesn't protest that she isn't less than.. only that she wants Powder to have more. Vi tells us so early that she doesn't see more for herself. Only more for those that she loves, and that she is willing to bleed for it. And she will... over and over..
"I know you wanna hurt the topsiders for what they've done to us. But who are you willing to lose?"- Again, another of Vander's lessons that Vi tries to take to heart. it leads her to try and make the right decision to protect those she loves, and through no fault of her own ends with Vander taken, and Benzo and Grayson dead. She tried to stop fighting. Tried to lead with her heart and the world crushed her as a reward.
"You've got a good heart. Don't ever lose it. No matter how the world tries to break you"- See above.
"Take Care of Powder"- Again, this one is tough. Vander's last words to Vi are not of comfort to her, but instructing her. I am NOT bagging on Vander. Had things not gotten even worse Vi would have been the leader of their family now and Vander knew she could do it and was trying to help her be strong. Unfortunately, because things go so terribly, all it is is another source of guilt driving Vi into the dark.
Losing Powder:
Tragically, Powder in an attempt to save her families life detonates a monkey bomb that kills Mylo and Claggor, and initiates the series of events leading to Vander's death as well. All when they were so close to escape. Powder is a little girl. this is NOT her fault. And she is shocked when she comes around the corner to meet Vi's rage instead of praise...
But as I have stated. Vi was only fifteen and having been through all that she had, lashes out at her little sister. Hitting her, calling her a jinx, and aggressively grabbing her face before walking away in horror at her actions, stolen by Marcus before she can make it right.
Conclusion: So what does that all mean in a nutshell? A fifteen year old girl who has already lived a life of loss, and violence, has her entire family taken away her violently in one night, save for the little sister she feels she has betrayed. She is then thrown in a terrible, hellish prison, with the only thing to focus on being the loss of her family, Vander's lessons, and how she believes she failed him, her brothers, and most importantly, her sister.
"I spent so many nights, in that shitty prison. On the freezing floor, hungry, bloody, counting the hours. The only thing.. the only thing that kept me going was the thought of getting back to you."
In Stillwater:
Thankfully for all of us who don't hate this character for breathing, we see none of what happens to her while she is in here outright. But there are a few things we know:
She is routinely assaulted- When she and Caitlyn are speaking she says to just send in whoever is going to hurt her so she can get on with her night. The warden confirms this with absolutely zero shame. And when Caitlyn opens Vi's cell, Vi is rolling her shoulders out like she is getting ready to fight.
There is no record of her or her crimes - Marcus locked her up with no trial, no paper trail, no nothing. She would have been kept there forever. Routinely beaten and totally stripped of her identity. Gee, I wonder why she tattooed her name on her face. They tried to erase her from existence.
She isn't in solitary all the time, as she had access to the tattooed goon she keeps wrecking throughout the show- I'd say this is probably the only reason she is at least slightly functional and still able to socialize in the real world to some degree.
A Layman's Understanding Of The Impact On Her:
First and foremost lets dispense with the obvious. I am not a mental health professional of any kind. But as an adult with a basic understanding of people I feel confidant saying that seven years in a violent prison being victimized and assaulted are what leads to the guarded young woman who has turned her body into a weapon that Caitlyn Kiramman meets that day. Cut off from any kindness, or love, or understanding Vi has hardened herself to the outside world because the last time she tried to do otherwise, her entire life was taken from her. And I am not going for the pity points or for dramatics. But she was fifteen... I'm going to guess something akin to her crying for someone to help her, or for her sister and than being viciously beaten is not outside of the realm of possibility. Her entire life has taught her over and over that the only thing she has to offer is her ability to do violence. An article from the University Of Santa Cruz a few years ago gives us more trustworthy information than my blathering:
"many prisoners "believe that unless an inmate can convincingly project an image that conveys the potential for violence, he is likely to be dominated and exploited throughout the duration of his sentence."
"prisoners may come to think of themselves as "the kind of person" who deserves only the degradation and stigma to which they have been subjected while incarcerated."
"For some prisoners, incarceration is so stark and psychologically painful that it represents a form of traumatic stress severe enough to produce post-traumatic stress reactions once released."
The need to keep up walls and hide their vulnerability, the hidden inner belief they are not worth any better, and deep seated trauma even manifesting as PTSD. Sound familiar? Not to mention the fact that is all started for her when she was fifteen and in the wake of a terrible loss.
I have seen many people lambasting Vi over her inability to cope with change or see that her sister has changed. Let me ask you folks a question. You see your entire family die in front of you, you are almost killed, you get thrown in a horrific and violent prison for no reason holding on to the hope of your last surviving family member, and then you get out and the sweet little girl you were ripped away from is a MURDERING. MENTALLY ILL. TERRORIST (Don't yell at me Jinx fans I'm just proving a point). How well do you think your going to cope?
This is just a drop in the bucket and absolutely a layman trying to learn a-little about how something so terrible would impact someone's emotional and mental health. But it was worth exploring. Like the grouchy broken record I am I have continued to proselytize to all of you regarding the humanity at the core of Arcane being its true heart. So the misunderstanding of perhaps the most human character in the show, someone who wants so badly to love, be loved, and to stand for those she cares for, well... Suffice it to say, I will keep playing this song for as long as I need to.
As always thank you for reading! Keep standing up for stories that matter. See ya next time.
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Radiant Dawn Play Through 01
I beat Radiant Dawn (FIrst Playthrough) yesterday.
Notes: A-Rank with IkeSoren transferred from PoR. THis file was to set up a completely fresh NewGame+ with my own stat boosters from PoR. I will be playing NewGame+ on stream.
Radiant Dawn is kind of a mess, but I think it's even more of a mess on your first playthrough, which is probably the only playthrough people are ever going to do. I'm thankful for save states from GameFAQs, but I wanted to challenge myself this year.
(This is all based on the US Version of the game.)
Hard Mode is worthless and while in Japanese there was an extended script in Hard Mode, I would not wish that on anyone. I'm never doing hard mode in this game.
The English version lets you class change at level 20. Note, the Japanese version does not. You need master crowns for anyone you want to take to the end.
The English version has special weapons for the Dawn Brigade (that are canon in FEH which is incredibly funny) but the JP version does not. I can not imagine playing these games without the boosted weapons for The DB.
The second half of Radiant Dawn, without Pelleas, without a conclusion to Izuka, without the conversations about the Branded and the weight they have on the world is absolutely pale. I really think they should have just asked you if you wanted to replay from the point you have to kill Pelleas, rather than having to restart all over. There are no script differences before this point.
Not knowing the true identity of the Prince of Daien is wild. It's such an empty area. The biggest difference is that Almedha is depressed and listless for the rest of the game. We don't get a conclusion for her, she is just unhappy and her whole life was one mistake after the other.
If you don't deply the BK, you don't get Ike's memories back. It's weird.
Lehran dying is so funny to me because bitch deserves it but also I think it's WAY funnier for him to go "Zelgius is waiting..." and in new game+ Micaiah goes "PSYCHE!!!!" and doesn't let him die. Zelgius is STILL waiting, like, 700+ years later.
On that note, Yune being like "oh, Lehran I'm sorry. I understand having hatred for both the Laguz and Beorc. I was too callous" is so funny. Everyone has hatred in their heart in this game, but knowing to grow out of it is what matters.
I understand this game came out in 2005 and like, replaying the game was a thing, I guess? But in order to get Soren's special conversation, even if you transfered files, requiring TWO playthroughs because gay boys can't have anything is so funny.
I am glad there's still some paired endings, but the game really needed more conversations between characters.
Give Soren boss convos in Endgame.
Anyway, here's some screenshots from my run.
Ilyana about to fuck up PEEPAW!!
My top 3. I have NO idea how Nephenee became queen of the battlefield, but you go girl.
If you don't save Lehran/newgame+, Ike and Soren swap places. (I do not know if Ranulf takes Soren's spot here, or if his portrait stays near Skrimirs if you A-Rank them.)
Me being absolutely mad I can't talk to my little guy:
Ike about to fuck up a bird.
Also, interesting. Is Lehran the first laguz to use weapons?
And finally, here are Ike and Soren's capped out stats.
That's the power of love, baby.
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thoughts on books i read in 2024
This was kind of an abysmal reading year for me ... i did not read a lot, very few books were truly excellent, and most of what I read was written by white guys (which is on me). Let’s hope 2025 is better on all fronts. Anyway, here’s a list of what I read, and about 4 sentences written in 3 minutes trying to summarize my thoughts on the book.
The Autograph Collector (Zadie Smith) – started the year off pretty strong with this one. It’s been a while since I read it, but what I do remember is that smith is an excellent storyteller and I liked how the themes of grief, dreams, and fame were woven together.
Die Insel der 1000 Leuchttürme (Walter Moers) – eh? I was constantly hoping that this would go in a “horror as metaphor for bigotry” or “small communities with strict rules are fucking scary” (think The Wicker Man) kind of direction, and thus was not on board with the way the plot ended up developing. It’s also way too long and Hildegunst’s neuroses are annoying after a certain point.
Faserland (Christian Kracht) – this is as good as everyone says it is. Full stop. I admittedly just love books about sad young men who are or pretend to be assholes (Catcher in the Rye), so this was perfect for me. Very sad and very pale, but in a good way – it felt clear, like nice winter wind. Also: I couldn’t get the boy to kill me but I wore his jacket for the longest time. Etc. etc.
Das fliegende Klassenzimmer (Erich Kästner) – a classic for a reason!!! Children’s books are at their best when they take their audience seriously, and this passes that test with flying colors. Incredibly fun, incredibly moving. Made me cry more than once. Eisern!
Call Me By Your Name (André Aciman) – this was a really interesting experience for me because I strongly disliked the movie when I watched it, as I was constantly put off by Oliver’s behavior. I think the book does a better job at making you understand the fragile and confusing back-and-forth between Elio and Oliver, and I found myself really really liking it because of that. I also greatly appreciate how unapologetically horny it is. Being horny makes you act fucking weird!!! I love weird horny representation!!! YAY peach scene! The style was beautiful as well, though a bit imagery-heavy at times, which did fit the heavy summer atmosphere.
Rico, Oskar 1 – 3 (Andreas Steinhöfel) – listened to the audiobooks on my way to uni. A very fun time all around. Similarly to Kästner, Steinhöfel has a lot of respect for his audience and also doesn’t shelter them. What other kids’ books can you name where the protagonist’s mom works at a strip club? The representation may not be perfect but I love that he went there. Mama Doretti you are forever famous TO ME.
The End of Loneliness (Benedict Wells) – always pains me to say this because Benedict Wells legit is so fucking sweet and nice in person and I’d LOVE to have dinner with him, but ... he is not thaaat good of a writer. This one essentially is a John Irving wannabe, and despite the “dark” themes it feels incredibly shallow and cliched at times. The female character(s) are particularly offensive. However: at the very least Wells is earnest about it all?
22 Bahnen (Caroline Wahl) – Caroline Wahl who had 2 books on the bestsellers list for over a year now recently complained that she wasn’t nominated for the Deutscher Buchpreis, which is partially meant as financial support for authors whose a) books do not sell well because b) they are good and complex pieces of literature, so I hope that she’ll be at least a bit consoled by receiving the “Book That Made Me Seethe With Hatred 2024” award <3 the writing is ass the story is shallow it’s all just a big fucking cliché and the depiction of poverty and addiction is appalling. I’d be ashamed to put a book like this out into the world.
HOOL (Philipp Winkler) – this still is THE book about violent men to me. I read it 5 times in the summer of 2018 and I am happy to report that it has lost none of its appeal and grit and ugliness. Simply a 10/10 and deeply formative to my taste.
Emil und die Detektive (Erich Kästner) – everything I said about Das fliegende Klassenzimmer is also true for this one. Ultimately I do prefer Klassenzimmer though, simply because the themes of friendships and camaraderie appeal to me much more.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larsson) – As a thriller this is near perfect, I could not put it down for two days. Larsson manages to do the whole “intersection of faith and violence against women” thing without it feeling exploitative (I’d be inclined to believe he may have started this trend), and I am glad that he allows his female characters to take gruesome revenge. Howeveeerrr unfortunately the narration still has a very chauvinistic edge to it and Mikkel feels like a male mid 40s wish fulfillment fantasy.
The Goldfinch (Donna Tartt) – I bought this in the Mauritshuis after seeing the Goldfinch so :’) it has a nice little sentimental edge to it. And this is another one of those “it really is THAT good” books. Looking back now, I am surprised that relatively little has stayed with me though – I never was that invested in Theo, and I also didn’t love Boris a ton, so a lot of the novel was just me hanging out with characters I didn’t like reading about that much. What stuck with me the most was the love for beautiful things that comes pouring out of every pages. Especially the parts in Hobie’s shop were just awe-inspiring. I’m planning to do a reread where I just focus on the descriptions because they were so unbelievably rich.
Bluebeard (Kurt Vonnegut) – I don’t remember a ton about this. What comes back to me most is my fondness of Vonnegut. He has a lot of humor and warmth in his writing, and I always find myself deeply moved by him writing about people loving one another, as funny or dark or even sad it may be.
The Virgin Suicides (Jeffrey Eugenides) – IT REALLY IS THAT GOOD. I could go on about the genius of that narrator perspective (the boys who watched the Lisbon girls as this big shapeless faceless conglomerate of first person plural) for ages. The prose is embroidery-worthy and the amount of detail and specificity do not only bring the Lisbon girls to life, but also the entire small town ecosystem around them. A beautiful capsule of stifled adolescence. And yet a horrifying read. (Bonus: I read this at the time when my boyfriend was reading Lolita, so when we were reading in public we looked like Mr. + Mr(s). Coquette.)
The O’Henry Prize Winners of 2024 – I love a good short story collection what can I say? I highly recommend these collections to everybody, as they present an array of innovative, diverse, well-told short stories that you may have not heard about before unless you are a literary magazine afficionado. My favorites were “Roy” and “The Soccer Balls of Mr. Kurz”.
Everybody Jam (Ali Lewis) – listen. Nothing hits like a good middle grade book. This one is veeery heavy at times and I was honestly not ready for some of the stuff that was happening, but it still was an engrossing experience and I just love coming-of-age stories that get into the mess of living. I also learned a lot about Australian cattle farming. Yay.
Fighting Ruben Wolfe (Markus Zusak) – another book about men and violence, yay! Finished this one today (it technically is only the first half of my German joint edition of this + “When Dogs Cry” but shhh). The writing was really good for the most part (I read it to get a feel for slightly gritty and simple vocabulary-wise yet rich in imagery narration for a project of mine, and it definitely delivered), however, it is very cut-up and not very subtle at times. I also felt like it was just missing. Something. I wasn’t really satisfied by the end of it.
so uuuh I think my favorite new reads of the year were The Virgin Suicides and Faserland. Maybe I should lighten up.
#this was kinda done for myself so i could reflect back on my reading year#if you have any thoughts on any of these books feel free to send me an ask i'll hopefull reply to. or reply to this post!
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Okay finally got something done :')
This may be kinda shit but posted it anyway cause i want to send here that better part of story(where they kiss :3)
The '~~~~' -things are just something what goes like the same in the series and i was too lazy to write them but you all know what happended there so..
And it ends on a really random point of the episode but ... . . ..
And I didn't know what to call die Wilden Kerle so just called it Wilden Kerle🥲
-yea so enjoy:
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I sit on my bed and stare at the math book resting in front of me, even though the numbers have been blurred in my eyes for ages into an unrecognizable background mass, thanks to which I can only see my thoughts very clearly. I should be doing homework, but my mind is wandering. Unfortunately, they somehow always find their way to Leon.
I have already declared to myself that I officially hate Leon, and I will never forgive him. He's a complete asshole full of himself and left me- I mean, us, for fame, even though he was the one who insisted that anyone who leaves the Wilden Kerle is a shameful traitor. He's a self-righteous jerk. And I hate him. I really, really hate him. Just because I can't stop thinking about him doesn't mean I don't hate him.
I throw the book at the wall and stand up, because sitting isn't going to help anything. I decide to go for a bike ride somewhere just to get my thoughts elsewhere.
After I've been cycling for a while, Vanessa comes up to meet me. Slowed down my pace so she can turn to cycle in the same direction as me.
Vanessa looks happy. As if nothing happened yesterday. At least she doesn't seem to miss Leon at all. I hope I don't look like that myself, although I literally couldn't sleep last night thinking about Leon and his last look all night. In other words, nothing is normal, not without Leon, and if it bothers Vanessa at all, she hides it really well.
So Vanessa smiles as if it wasn't just yesterday that Leon left our team, waves her hand after getting next to me, and says:
"Marlon called. Hadschi has finally found the owner of the last skull!"
I smile, even genuinely this time.
"Let's go."
~~~~~
Of course Markus's father was not in the bank. It's Sunday now. But where did he go?
Suddenly Vanessa notices his car in front of the museum. What the hell is he doing there?
"Let's go see."
We crouched behind Markus' father's car. I hope Vanessa listens to what he and the mayor are talking about, because I only listen with half an ear. "It would be better if you take it, Mr. Mayor. It's not safe in my house."
I loved Leon. He was actually a complete asshole, but maybe that's why I liked him. He didn't really try to please me, on the contrary, he almost always seemed to be arguing or outright begging to be fucked, but that's why he's so funny and natural, himself. He is also honest and speaks his mind directly, so when he compliments me, I know he really means it. He wouldn't just say that so I wouldn't feel bad, because he doesn't care if I get hurt by his words.
In my previous schools, many girls have wanted to date me. I agreed to the first request because I was stupid. I had never spoken to that girl, and one day her friends snubbed her giggling in front of me.
If I were to think about such things, I would say that it was quite unnerving to stand in front of some random person while she squealed and giggled and her friends stared at us, amused by the awkward situation. Finally, the girl mumbled that she had a crush on me. I didn't know what to answer so I said "okay".
It wasn't an affirmative answer as far as I know because she didn't actually ask anything, but still her friends started squealing in love and clearly this girl was now my girlfriend.
At first I thought that it could be quite nice, and that at least the girl liked me. I was naive. It started to dawn on me at the latest when I realized she was only talking about my dad or how "handsome" I was. Her real compliments were flat, and she probably didn't believe even her own tone of voice when she said I was funny. Instead, I was too quiet and too cold and sarcastic and short and my favorite dark green hoodie at the time was unfashionable. She threw it in the trash can. On the other hand, I'm quite grateful for that, because in hindsight it was really quite horrible, and my father had never liked it either.
The girl left me after two months of dating, because she said I was too quiet and distant, and I didn't care about anything but football.
Which was indeed true.
Through me, the girl had gotten to know the members of my soccer team at the time, and because of that I saw her many times a week when she came to the team's practices to see her new boyfriend. She kept winking at me when I was sitting on the bench, but never said anything. Except for one time when she came to sit next to me and twirl her blonde hair around her fingers. He greeted me in a voice I had heard too many times before, and I felt a dark satisfaction when I said nothing and moved two seats away from her. The girl stared at me shocked for a moment, as if she couldn't understand how I could not like her, and she was very annoyed when I allowed myself a satisfied smile just to show that I didn't care, and then she went to approach her new boyfriend.
A similar thing happened a couple of times until I learned to say no, and to leave people before they leave me, when I turned out to be a completely normal person, even though I have a perfect father.
Leon is honest. If he says I'm good, he really thinks I'm good.
However, he really cares about us more than he admits. He would never say it out loud, maybe he wouldn't even fully admit it to himself, but I know. He could go to any length for the things that are important to him. He is wild, in the sense that he himself wrote it in Wilden Kerle's rule list.
It's just a shame that this time he chose to care about fame more than his team, and will go as far as he needs to for it.
I wish he cares about me more than he admits.
Or: I wished he cared about me more than he would admit.
Nowadays, I don't give a damn what, or who, he cares about. Not after what he did.
Markus' father and the mayor leave the car back towards the museum, and I remember that I had to eavesdrop on their conversation. Well, I hope Vanessa was listening..
"Let's follow!" I say as if I am fully aware of the whole situation.
We walk into the museum hall when the doorman stops us.
"Is there an invitation?" he asks in the most strained tone anyone has ever spoken in. I stare at him, and then at Vanessa, as if to signal that he needs to come up with something.
"um, we just wanted to-"
"I can't let you in without an invitation", the doorman interrupts. Then, suddenly, Leon appears out of nowhere.
Okay, I admit to staring at him, and even though I hate him, it doesn't stop me from thinking about how I like his hair, or how I'm so happy to see him that I just want to hug him and have him hug me and feel his warmth against me.
I still hate him.
Leon finally seems to understand that we want to get inside.
"They came to see the new superstar. Me."
Superstar. I don't know if I should be amused or outraged. For some reason, I still missed his voice, even though I last heard it only yesterday.
Still I smile. I want him back and he's clearly helping us.
"Uh... Don't you read magazines?" I ask to reinforce Leon's words.
"Ah, I understand. In that case."
I'm not sure if Leon is just smiling in general, or if he's smiling at me.
I hope he's smiling at me.
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Guys I think I just wrote a really short part of some Deon fanfic...
It's like in s2 e12 the scene when Leon comes to the landfill(I have no idea what is it called really in the english dub version so..) and... u know.
Because i just realised that Deniz looks so sad when Leon comes while everyone else looked just angry 😭
The way how Deniz stares at that book like he knows Leon is going to leave him and the whole team but thinks that if he doesn't see it and just focuses on the book, mabye it won't really happen....
BUT, here it is. I'm really bad at english so i hope you understand it😅😅
[(Almost) all the lines were from the finnish dub, idk if it's the same in other languages but mabye it's okay....]
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I look up from the book when I hear footsteps approaching. Leon walks to the landfill looking far too casual. Traitor. A little hope flutters inside me. However, it slows down as soon as Vanessa says:
- Well, who's that? Came to tell us about your big ad campaign?
If Leon was going to apologize, he wouldn't do it after that. I press my gaze to the book and try to focus on the ancient Greek numerical codes. I want to shut out everything around me. I just want to squeeze my eyes shut, and when I open them, Leon comes beside me on the rusty roof of the car and wraps his arms around my neck and gives me something else to think about and figures out a way to get Teufelstopf back and all is well again.
No.
When I open my eyes, I'm still staring at the much too small and monotonous text of the book. Leon snorts.
- actually, I came to apologize for being so busy these days, but if you're like that, I guess it's better that I don't come at all anymore. Ever.
He doesn't know how much his cold voice breaks my heart. But I can be cold too. And I have that right. He is leaving the bunch. I stand up on the roof of the car. Leon has already turned to leave when I say:
- That's what I said too. We can do without a captain like that.
My words feel like a heavy lump on my chest, and a few more pounds are added to that lump when I realize I'm right. Leon was always the one who insisted that no one should ever leave the team. He loved football and the team more than anything in this world, as did I, and that was probably part of the reason I fell for him. But now he is leaving Teufelstopf, the Wild Soccer Bunch, us, me, for fame. I didn't think that he would be the one who leaves the team.
When Leon hears my words, something disappears in his eyes, something inexplicable. At least I think I see it. Or I hope. Or at least I want to.
He doesn't even say anything. Anger and disappointment bubble up inside me. I jumped down from the car. The thump of my feet againstthe ground makes Leon quickly turn towards me. I look at him. At the moment, I would like to just hug him on the one hand, and hit him on the other hand. I clench my hands into fists.
- I fucking koved you, I say way more toxic than i meant to. Though mabye it's just a good thing. I don't know.
I let all the pent-up sadness and frustration come out of my voice because I want him to know I'm serious. I say it so quietly that no one else can hear it, even though I want to scream it into his ear. On the other hand, I probably couldn't make a louder sound than this, almost a whisper, from the stranglehold of grief. Leon looks me in the eyes and for a few moments I may notice sadness in his eyes. Almost as crushing as my grief. Then he just closes his eyes, turns around and leaves. Up until now, I have felt that everything will be alright. But now I know that I don't have Leon anymore, everything is lost.
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It was kinda google translator english but hope you liked it.. I'm not sure if i do?
#dwk animated series#dwk#die wilden kerle#die wilden kerle animated series#the wild soccer bunch#dwk deniz x leon#deniz x leon#leon x deniz#dwk leon#dwk deniz#deon#dwk deon#fanfic
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Me, finding a book to read: This better have romance in it. I am NOT reading it if it doesn't have romance
Me, upon reading: What the hell is this romance? You're distracting the plot and it is unnecessary, GET OUT OF MY BOOK
#if the romance is not well executed#then i don't want it#and if the love interest is just there to be the love interest#then get the hell out pf the book you unnecessary germ#usually fantasy book did this to me#i am enjoying it so much#and then the romance come and ruin it all#like The Wounded Kingdom is so good#but the romance make the mc an idiot#and she die in the end anyway so what's the point?#but i do love romance in my book especially fantasy 😭😭#but it's hard to find the right one#cradle barely have any romance at all#but i still enjoy it immensely#because the love interest is not a love interest#she is a badass#and easily my most fav character
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Something something romance languages being sorta similar
(And yes that might be based in something that happened to me, you may not speak another language but at some point you can tell if they're insulting you lol)
(btw both merde and mierda mean shit, as in "SHIT!!" ofc)
#utmv#dream sans#ink sans#jhbdfgsdhbf sorry this is so stupid#At this point half of my utmv posts at least allude to everyone having different nationalities smh#Honestly it wouldn't be as important to me if my ultimate blorbo Dream didn't share my nationality (which is why I had the#the opportunity to meet Joku irl?? I have Opinions on her and all but at the end of the day she made Dreamtale)#(Ofc what I wanted was to buy a Dream keychain which I did but she offered to take a pic because I clearly looked like I knew who she was)#(...which she actually said; she looked at me shaking and looking weird and went 'I suppose you know who I am?' and I was like#YEAH YOUR CHARACTERS CHANGED MY LIFE I'M GONNA DIE :SOBS:)#anyways so sdjfhbgsjdhbf
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before everyone gets sent to the middle of the galaxy*, we don’t see chibichibi do that much that could be described as interference with the past timeline but one thing she does do- the first thing she does at all- is rescue kakyuu. it's at least implied that kakyuu would have died otherwise- she even tells the starlights "Several times I tried to go to you. But my body's recovery took longer than expected... ChibiChibi was the one who helped me a lot." ultimately kakyuu helps usagi get to the galaxy cauldron, meaning her presence isn't inconsequential.
chibichibi also attempts to prevent the starlights from meeting kakyuu. she refuses when they ask and also did not at any point bring kakyuu's incense jail to them. now she obviously didn't feel that strongly about preventing it, she could blow up the starlights if she wanted, but i don't think she would've initially been against it for zero reason. and there is no way she doesn't already know their relationship even if you ignore that chibichibi is sailor moon from the future because she's been regularly talking with kakyuu about the starlights over the past few weeks or so.
this leaves me with some questions:
-what happens in the ‘first’ timeline that chibichibi/sailor cosmos originated from? mainly, does kakyuu live or die in that timeline? we don't actually know for sure despite the implication. does she live, but in a worse/damaged state? if she did die, how does chibichibi know her at all- hearing about her from the 'first' timeline starlights?
-why try to keep kakyuu from the starlights? attempted damage control to prevent the timeline from getting too different?
-if chibichibi’s interference caused kakyuu to live when she originally died, why do this? did she want someone to temporarily keep usagi company after all her friends died? did she just feel bad for kakyuu? did she know having kakyuu alive would get them to the galaxy cauldron more efficiently? clearly sailor moon got there one way or another in the ‘first’ timeline, and kakyuu implies that her star system (and by extension herself, as a princess) is just one of many that are all less powerful than our solar system, meaning she likely doesn’t possess the unique ability to travel there. it seems she just CAN help usagi get there because she knows where it is. but chibichibi herself could fulfill that role. so kakyuu is not necessary to get to the galaxy cauldron. therefore...?
i don't have answers. maybe to her it's like a videogame she's playing for the second time and she's like Ok This time i will see what happens if kakyuu lives. maybe she genuinely didn't know/forgot who kakyuu was and found her on the side of the road and was like 'well i might as well help this random passed out cosplayer while i'm here' and then it was thee alien princess and she was like I can't kill her now it'd be awkwarddddd. intergalactic toddler of mystery
#sailor moon#sailor moon cosmos#chibichibi#princess kakyuu#sailor cosmos#*= by the time usagi and co. are out of tokyo and into space chibichibi is more active but i think by that point things are so different#she can't uninvolve herself. here i'm just discussing what i think was her first and therefore least explicable deviation. end of footnote#anyway... notice chibichibi didn't even really try and help the solar system senshi live longer LOL#YOUR deaths are plot necessary sorry.#at the end cosmos does say she wanted to guide usagi to make the 'right choice' at the cauldron but#i fail to see how kakyuu being around impacts that in any way at all#did cosmos think Well i didn't want to destroy the world when i MERELY saw all my best friends die in front of me#but maybe if past-me also befriends no less than 4 hot aliens and has to watch them die as well#she'll be just traumatized enough to go through with destroying the world this time. ?
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hi im back from reading....with a couple minutes lf trying to reconnect to my wifi (cus it disconnected right after i was goign to make an ask,and wont..connect after)
ahEM!! BAI HE IS WITHHER PARENTS NOW?? AWWW, HOW DOES SHE LIKE THE HELMET⁉️⁉️
anyway, real, hershey is such s good dogn:3 pat pats for her yuhuh
ALSOALSOSOSLSLSLSKSDDM XIUYING RAAAHHH, HOWS BRO DOING⁉️⁉️ totally shoukd vidit the philippines soon hshhshs 😋😋😋
RAAAHHH IT WAS AMAZING READING THIS CHAPTERRR 😭😭 BRAVO, BRAVO,, so sorry if thid is somewhat long omg
throws another silly rock at macaculator
EEEEE HAGE A GREAT DAY‼️‼️🫶 OR EVENING IDK MAN
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#lego monkie kid#lego monkie kid fanart#monkie kid#monkie kid fanart#lmk#lmk fanart#lmk mayor#monkie kid mayor#monkie kid macaque#lmk macaque#lmk baihe#lmk little girl#lmk hostess#monkie kid baihe#monkie kid hostess#monkie kid little girl#blue and violet#I think I've only vaguely referenced Xiuying's design on this blog#but here she is! in all her glory!!!#I mean she doesn't usually wear that outfit she usually wears a hoddie and jeans but she is on holiday mode#therefore she is making it her mission to become the pinnacle of a dad on holiday#wearing those tropical shirts and sunglasses#yeah the sunglasses are pineapples and so is her shirt- I just thought she would like pinapples- she's a pinapple on pizza guy by they way#anyways BAIHE HAS HER HAPPY ENDING INDEED#I... actually still need to figure out whether or not I want her to keep her powers#i left it vague on purpose because I literally couldn't decide what I wanted lmao#i am leaning towards letting her be free but idk lol#at least she has her parents and a helmet which is essentially just Macaque saying “here have this and please know I don't want you to die”#Hershey appreciates the pets#and Macaque stands by his point that the dog is being spoiled
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what do you fucking mean that's how charlie dies. THAT'S HOW CHARLIE DIES??? i mean i know the show has a penchant for killing off every character who's not a winchester brother or an angel of thursday but good god. what the fuck. charlie was such a good and enjoyable recurring character, and she had such a fandom impact that i've seen, and she's only around for THREE SEASONS?? (sidebar: it's amazing she has the presence she does for only being around for a couple episodes in the long run!) but: was this necessary? and she just dies offscreen after her skills are utilized to progress the plot of decoding the book of the damned?? oh my god. what in the actual fuck. i'm finding myself getting genuinely very upset at her death. she did not fucking deserve that. and i can absolutely see why the fan response to her death is what it is now. completely fucking unjustified and throwaway and useless.
#theo.txt#spn#charlie#spn spoilers#spn 10x21#almost none of the women who've gotten fridged on this show have deserved it but still#good god this one made me especially angry#why do you use this character for a plot point and then ship her off somewhere. to oz or to the afterlife. so often?#she was such a cool character with a good story that i enjoyed and related to and THIS is what they did with her?? and from my perusing she#doesn't even really come back like bobby occasionally does?? and his death. while devastating to me as somebody who really liked him. still#felt WAY better than this#sorry i ended that episode with my jaw on the fucking FLOOR oh my god. /neg#what did she have to die for? where is that post about female characters dying so male characters can feel sad but it's a gifset of all the#bullshit ass deaths of women on supernatural#i love the show fucking obviously but jesus h christ.#but also you know what. having the context that i have. still a fucked up thing to say but i see why dean says That to sam now during#charlie's funeral. it IS an interesting look into how they respond to the other one violating their wishes/freedoms and into their larger#dynamic actually! but thats not what this post is really about#wow. i am actually livid. poor fucking charlie.#if she was like a sister to the winchesters how about you bring her back huh? how about you revive her? jesus christ#i wonder what her heaven is like. i hope its dnd and movie night with the girls#i took a little break mid-typing this to see if i was just being insane and angry but no the super wiki has a whole section about the fan#outrage at charlie's death and the discussions it furthered about the show's misogynistic tendencies#and you know what? good!#ok anyway. im going to go browse charlie art and feel abnormal now.#supernatural#charlie bradbury
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Before I went to bed I saw the Youtube notif that TADC was going to Netflix and it INVADED my dreams so vividly I have not had such an episodic sequential serialized cohesive dream in months it was literally its own chapter its own short story
#I was Pomni it was literally Pomni POV#Caine had cooked up some sporty adventure and I was like Ummm...... no#So I found a glitch where I could hide in a technically out-of-bounds area#I had a theory that if I stayed super close to the ground I wouldn't be in the range of Caine's mod powers or whatever#Some random girl was w me I don't think she was important#Anyways I started thinking “This could hurt. When they leave#the map will not have to exist.”#I'd be crushed by the nonexistence of the area I'm in. When they come back I'll load in somewhere slightly different#and be stuck in the walls."#DIDN'T HAPPEN everything was OK#But at some point I was like man... sure is boring and scary. Sure wish my friends were here.#So I ended up finding them anyway LMAO#I told them what happened cuz they were obviously concerned and Caine got his feelings hurt???#Like. surprising moment of clarity. Everyone was shocked and uncomfortable.#Bro was like “I try so hard for U guys 🥺 I just don't get it. Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to stay home??”#Most everyone was like IDC UR OUR JAILER!! CRY ABT IT!! but me and Ragatha were coerced into pity...#Like yeah whatever. Sorry man. I'll be honest next time and not do things that could make me die. I think we were just caught off-guard.#Exchanging glances like “Wow... didn't know he could feel anything!” Like imagine if ur Furby just had an emotional outburst#and felt remorse abt it. WYD.#I think we held his hands or sum cuz all my dreams end like a Barbie movie#Episode ended and I was like Wow :) Great show#Sorta off-topic but the cafeteria today started playing very quiet carnival music for Hoco and I literally felt chills up my back cuz#I had been thinking abt Pommy all day...#I used to be enraptured by clown motif what happened#Did I throw it up#For the best...... for the best.
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Alistair: So I'm not going with you, I see. Any particular reason? Tabris: I'm not going to risk you getting hurt, Alistair. Alistair: And you think I want you going in there and sacrificing yourself? You think I want you to die!? But there's no use arguing with you, is there? We don't have time... and you are a stubborn, stubborn woman. Tabris: You would do something foolish. Alistair: Maybe… I guess we'll never know now, will we? I guess this is the last chance we'll get… before this is finished, one way or another. Be careful in there. Tabris: I love you, Alistair. Alistair:
Guess who made the ultimate sacrifice...?
Me. It was me.
I made the ultimate sacrifice.
The achievement wasn't worth it.
#dragon age#dragon age origins#dao#alistair theirin#dao alistair#warden tabris#i'm genuinely so heart broken#i just wanted to see what ending you get when you reject morrigan's ritual since i have very strong opinions on it as i've discussed before#and it's more in character for my tabris to reject it anyway so this was the first time i did it and just...... i am hurt#like... it's such a hopeless 'what was even the point? she didn't deserve this' feeling y'know? she didn't deserve this!#and neither did alistair... he already holds so much guilt over duncan and cailan making him stay out of battle in ostagar#and then rose makes him stay behind so she can face the archdemon and die ALONE... while also robbing him of the chance to stand beside her#the way i play dao is alistair is forever in my party like i literally take him *everywhere* he is with rose the entire journey#they are partners in this forever and always and they planned to face the archdemon together but that changed with riordan's news...#and this is the first time since they met in ostagar that he hasn't been in her party and i didn't expect it to hurt so much...#plus i keep alistair a warden so he's left alone in the aftermath of a blight that took everything from him#and i know the end card was retconned but it says that he was so hurt over the warden's death#that he said it wasn't the same anymore and he fucking *left* the order and fereldan and his whereabouts are unknown after he made#a small monument for duncan in his birthplace like.... again i know that was retconned since he obviously didn't leave the wardens but OOF#oh and don't even get me started on morrigan and how she responds to being rejected like i'm chewing on all my furniture right now#there is so much to dissect in that conversation and i'm too emotionally drained to handle it right now...
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IVE NEVER GOT THIS HOWE DIALOGUE. THROWING UPPPPPPPPPPPP
#GOD. THIS GAME. RENDON HOWE DIE HORRIBLY CHALLENGE (EASY)#tay plays dao#A FOOL HUSK OF A DAUGHTER LIKELY TO END HER DAYS UNDER A ROCK IN THE DEEP ROADS????????#'bryce couslands little spitfire all dressed up and still playing the man' has always been one of my favorite lines Ever. AND NOW THIS ???#BRO.......................................................................................#oc: elspeth#for her this is taking place like. a bit less than 2 months after the deep roads supertrauma i was talking abt yesterday lol#her being at her weakest psychologically and. dsfkjhjfsdfd#hearing THAT?????????? and being like ok. some points have been made#but also after the deep roads shes simultaneously stuck in this ''nothing is real and nothing matters'' mindse so it doesnt hurt as much#since shes already been telling herself all that for months anyway.#like yeah ok and what of it. i might be nothing but im abt to cut YOU into nothing and that will make me feel better <3#GJKGFJKFG#i also think its so funny going from the deep roads to howe's estate quest. like going frm the closest thing in lore to hell itself#to the mansion of some fucking scrawny prissy loser who hasnt picked up a sword in 20 years w guards who dont know shit abt shit#the whole party just. cutting thru them like a wave sjdksjk#ANYWAY NOT TO TIE EVERYTHING BACK TO THE DEEP ROADS BUT IT IS LITERALLY ALL ABT THE DEEP ROADS BTW <3 ALL OF IT <3
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Hatice and Ibrahim have never been more divided from each other up to that point than in E43-E44. While Hatice always sensed when Ibrahim was actually in danger or she's lost him in any way (i.e. E35 when she felt something in Edirne while Ibrahim was with Nigar), nothing came up when he was shot; he didn't even tell her what happened to him until she found out herself; they were seperated while he was recovering; the wait for Ibrahim to come back felt like an eternity to Hatice and she went through several breakdowns at once (and his carriage was right in front of her but she couldn't see him, her only thought until the very end was that he was dead, isn't that what her dream with the "crying" statues meant?); when he came back she wasn't allowed to spend at least some time alone with him as SS wanted to talk to him; even their sleep was interrupted. The only thing that Ibrahim asked Hatice to do was to play him his mother's song on the violin (I like to think that Hatice started learning the violin in order to become closer to him, to who he is, to his past again after what they went through with little Mehmet).... but he no longer associates even that with Hatice anymore.
#not even gonna mention Ibrahim being gone while Hatice was giving birth in the end of E44#as that is the culmination of all the separations that accumulated throughout E43 and 44#and I already pondered a little on what it meant in my “Ibratice and the losses of a child” meta#oh funny story this was supposed to be a post about Hatice saying they're bringing Ibrahim's corpse when the carriage appeared#as that is likeeeee oh my godddd the *FORESHADOWING*; she was even shrouded in green again too!!!! (lighter green but still!!!!)#but then I saw that this was just the Bulgarian dub again and the English subtitles translate it as something else entirely#which didn't seem like what Hatice actually said either but since I can't make out some of the OG words at all and there aren't#English subtitles under the Turkish videos of E44 I decided not to risk it#anyway goodness how much did Yakup's prophecy terrify Hatice#she really can't see anything *but* death at this point and how *won't* she when all her feelings always turn out to be correct?#(except the statues of course but due to the rest of the bad events they can't do anything *other* than feed Hatice's fear)#this is why Hatice fearing so much about Ibrahim's life isn't merely a matter of obsession but I digress#thing is Ibrahim was *actually* ready to *die* for once wanting his mother to *take him* in that dream#(parallel to Hürrem's E01 dream of course)#as he's lost the rest of his past (that's in the present) already; he's really been defeated hasn't he?#the only person left is his mother he barely finds as he's already lost her long ago both metaphorically and literally#but he finds her and he symbolically finds her in Nigar; this is what “home” means to him now and his look at Nigar after he woke up#is what made him realize it; Hatice is too far behind; close yet so out of reach while Nigar only seems closer and closer#so he goes after her to chase that “home” he got lost in but “home” isn't what he once knew anymore#(Nigar's tear falling on Ibrahim's cheek *is* an artistic device signifying love tbf)#magnificent century#muhteşem yüzyıl#muhtesem yuzyil#hatice sultan#ibrahim pasha#ibratice#hatibo#(also in the tags)#nigar kalfa
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For some reason whenever I brainstorm for my eventual solasmance Lavellan I always imagine her leaving on bad terms with him and swearing to stop him no matter what it takes. However. Just had the idea of Lavellan solas and Varric being in a weird love triangle. during inquisiton only Solas and Lavellan would happen, then They break up and Lavellan is with Varric within a year. Queen of moving on or whatever. Cole gets dropped right in the middle of whatever the fuck they've got going on. Rest of the inquisiton is immensely intrigued by them
#dragon age#she would break up with solas at the end of trespasser and end up with varric afterwards i think#god could you imagine if varric does die in dav.#she would be PISSED#ive been thinking about her for a while and she may end up being one of those chatacters i design but never play#because like. i am not a fan of replaying dai im sorry 😭#im still in the middle of my selene run. instead of working on that im replaying dao#anyways the only things ive got on her is that shed a blonde warrior who likes hitting things#at the peak of their romance she would carry solas around skyhold i think#idk maybe ill get around to her eventually#i know which worldstate she goes in at least#it would be my Mahariel worldstate with veloura and yvette hawke#i need to finish yvette's run too sighhh#crow rambles#also. the likelihood of this happening if i ACTUALLY play solasmance is so low#because i always get oddly attached to ships while im playing them#man what is it with me and toxic m/f ships. what#my ideas for sebhawke include 'hawke who quote on quote betrays seb by sparing anders'#is that even an option? id assume so#or maybe its just the guys im not too fond of. idk#in my defense i feel like narratively solavellan ending shittily would be very interesting#woman who made you realize people were. well people breaks up with you and moves onto the hot dwarven writer#id also tear down a veil or something i think#idk I'm just rambling at this point
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Thinking abt the time travel fix it fic I have spinning around in my head. Unfortunately for it to work I have to kill off basically every single character of importance which is all well and good it just feels kind of brutal
#sep talks#septimus heap#like basically all the heap brothers die in mysterious accidents. Right up to the last couple who r just obviously shot#jenna dies in almost the same way her mother did. In the throne room and marcia and septimus r there and an assassin shows up#silas+sarah also. Why?? Idk maybe it's a birthday. Maybe it's bc they're trying to figure out how to keep septimus safe bc logically#he's next. But anyway this assassin is a little sneakier than the one that shot alther. No one sees them until the last second#sarah takes a bullet for jenna. It doesn't help bc jenna gets shot anyway a second later. Marcias in a panic trying to#get silas+septimus away. Silas refuses to leave bc he's basically lost everyone he loves most#he tells marcia he'll deal with the assassin when her shield goes down. And so she practically drags septimus away so at least she can#keep him safe#and. Bc there's no queen anymore. DD takes over. Marcia still has the amulet but they have no real way to get rid of dd#marcia very nearly ends up back in dn1 at one point. Like literally standing on the edge abt to fall#they keep trying to fix things but they just. Can't. Ppl end up seeing marcia as like. Not necessarily the eow who Failed#but she couldn't stop him from showing up so what could she possibly do now#it's more pity than blame and honestly to marcia that's worse#ppl keep dying and it's so much worse than when the custodian was in charge#and anyway yeah that's what makes marcia+septimus go for the house of foryx
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whats fun is looking at the thread youre hanging on by and seeing where it's about to snap. whats even more fun is deliberately cutting through that thread because you know it'll just snap anyways so why bother clinging to it as if youll make it somehow
#im at the point of complete and total apathy#no matter how many ''life plans'' i make itll all end with me killing myself anyways#ive already proven that i cant change so why bother trying#shes right i did go right back to how i was before going away. no actually thats a lie i got even worse ahah#i dont care. i just dont care.#i actually got a library card on my own today. i even reserved some books and just have to wait for another local library to send them over#i even have plans on friday to get an actual id! but yknow what?#i could still jump off a bridge tomorrow without batting an eye.#i dont care about ''making it'' anymore. whats the point when once i die i'll just reincarnate into the world i was supposed to be in?#whats the point when even if i do manage to become a successful person i'll just be cutting myself and planning my suicide either way?#i dont care. i'll put on my favorite outfit and go jump somewhere high enough that theres no chance id survive i dont care.#i'll even bring all my pills and my box cutter with me for good measure#i really dont care. i really think this is gonna be it.#i rethink for a second when i remember how those i love are going to feel but then i remember i wont be alive in this world to see it#i'll see everyone again when im home anyways. if i will it enough i can bring them along and we'll all be happy#and even if i never wake again then even nonexistence will be better than this#i see no real reason not to anymore. i dont have a future that doesnt end in me taking my own life anyways#i really could do it tomorrow if i have the willpower for it. im going to be left alone in the house for a few hours so#no one could stop me#its tempting#and you know me#self-destructively impulsive without a care in the world towards self-control?#we'll see. we will see.#please pray i will make it home everyone.
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