#and rn i can only do that on one side
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Need to move my bed soon, not only so its easier for me to crawl out, but also so i can be on my phone as its charging lol
#the fatter i get#the more difficult it is to get out of bed#and rn i can only do that on one side#hope it makes sense#also need to move it around so theres room for a cot next to it#bells be speaking to herself
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don't wanna derail the post I saw this discussion on- it was all in the notes anyway, so it certainly isn't op's problem. I'm gonna say this with so much love:
Calling somebody a 'theyfab' is not punching up. If someone's being transmisogynistic, say that, or call them a bigot. Naming the tangible harm done to you will always be the most effective thing to do.
The cis people who created that term made it with the explicit intent to mock and insult people's identities. No matter what you mean when you say it, this is its origin and to most people, its only meaning. It describes nothing about the discrimination you face.
People afab are marginalized, especially if they're queer. You cannot "punch up" on a fellow oppressed group. I understand the specific vitriol that they inflict on you hurts.
You don't need a word to call somebody, you need and deserve adequate justice for the tangible harm done to you; and my heart aches that nobody queer- especially trans women- ever seems to receive that.
I'm aware I can't make anybody do anything, so I'm not gonna try to tell you not to use that word. I just want to say it can't ever address, undo, or heal any harm done to you. It can only redirect it.
#da#the og post was about transmisogyny and transfeminism and that was an important discussion I did not wanna elbow into#I'm addressing the people in the notes who were saying they 'NEED' this word in order to 'punch up' to their oppressors#I do feel for every trans woman and transfem having to exist on the internet rn. everyone's being awful to you all from every side#Dearly sorry that fellow afab people are making all your lives such hell#just also know that nothing about the word theyfab describes a bigot. nothing about it explains what harm was done to you.#it serves solely to mock an aspect of someone's identity. because hateful cis people created it to do that#you don't 'need' a targeted insult to use against someone directing hatred towards you.#cannot stress enough that the only group who can reclaim a harmful term is the one it's used against#i completely understand afab people can be particularly awful with their transmisogyny#calling them a theyfab will not help anything. I know. I'm sorry. you're hurt and it sucks. name calling cannot change that
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hhheyyyy so !!!!!! ( it's probably SO late already but my brain just didn't want to cooperate i'm sorry
thank you sssssoooo much to @metamorphmigus and @cherry-207 for helping with the list ! the prompts you guys suggested were SSSOOO HELPFUL !
vargas belongs to @zarla-s
#vargastober#vargastober 2024#vargas#vargas zarla#zarla s#HOLY SHIT I FINISHED THIS THING . I CAN AND WILL DIE#i'm not doing anything rn . in general . I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS UNLIKE LAST YEAR#i'll make a huuuge post talking about this on my side acc#( the side account is @scyphosunny btw#i'm so late to this . i know i am and i'm SORRY#still i'll probably be the only one participating anyway
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new leo yippee
#mine.art#leowook#hes still a penny world of gumball rippoff inhabiting a doll just a Little bit more thought out this time#his ''tattoos'' are the same magic ink as the one used for his talisman#he can erase them whenever he wants but doesnt see a reason to do that rn#hes also ambidextruous which is why neither of his tattoos look like scrawls#he only really tattoos the underside of his arms so if theres any tattoos on the upper side its cause of other ppl#his right arm has no upper side arm tattoos cause the apo were never close in the first place#and minute is too hesitant to start randomly drawing on leo's arm despite how close they became#and clown doesnt really think about it so he only really tattoos leo when he sees other ppl do it first#he also has leg tattoos but i cant really think of a design for them#several of his ''body parts'' have been replaced but his headand left hand is still the original#he can copypaste things using the ink since its basically an enchantment so hes not too worried about losing his tattoos#but he cant replace the wound he made during the mob blood pact so its staying there#he hasnt changed his head cause of a combination of laziness and being unable to find a replacement he likes
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I need to be weirder about the scavengers and cannibalism...
#its been a long day... but im feeling better now. (thanks for the well wishes and such btw <3-)#(-sending my well wishes in return by tenfold bcs. damn. it seems stuff is really going around rn)#but yeah... just. augh. theres just smth about how the scavs sorta translate into more like. thriller-esque genres pretty well?#like. i feel somehow those themes compliment their characteristics? or could compliment their characteristics in a more rounded out way#sure. theyre generally a light hearted romp of absurdity with occasional themes of a not good not bad handling of 'mental health matters'#but they just really shine a bit in horrific circumstances. esp with the sort of absurdity they bring to the table#theyre odd people. even in the context of their generally weird and alien universe. and that right there feels like a trove of potential#its like. ok. the lost light crew? also odd. but thats a huge ship. full of people and variety and a sense of purpose and normalcy post-war#(normalcy being. whatever all those background folks were getting up too while plot happened around them. cruise ship stuff ig)#but in contrast. with the w.a.p crew. its an ark class ship with like. a handful of people. and a whole lot of junk and free time#both just cruising through space endlessly for years. one with hundreds of people. and one with like 6 people.#so both are technically isolated when theyre not making pit-stops planet or station side. but again. 100s vs 6 dudes.#think. top of the line cruise ship from hell with a small town sized populace vs a big shitty boat and 6 starving guys#both have the capacity to become case studies in madness. both could do really well thriller wise. but the scavs being a smaller group?#it only being the 6 of them emphasis the isolation perhaps. less variety. less change. same 6 people for 5(?) years#things could get weird fast. codependent mentalities. us vs them mindsets. an otherness about everyone else outside of their group#and then! then you add to the mix the fact that theyre eating/drinking from corpses?! *chefs kiss* awesome. love it.#non-stationary isolation + cannibalism. ough. perfect mix. a classic of maritime horror but in space! :D!#a big ship. small crew. living while knowing that as soon as you kick the bucket. your body is the meal. your body is the fuel.#no decorum about it. no faith. no belief. just perverse survival. bcs they might enjoy it. a bloody gluttony. with a bite. a sample. a taste#it takes seeing your buddy as a walking talking burger to another level. bcs every corpse you come across is also a burger. and a gas can#also fulcrum making candy out of corpses is so. particularly perfect when it comes to the horrifically absurd. just. smth about it. idk#but also also. the line. where was the line drawn for each of them? and when did they each cross it?#most of them dont seem like the type to jump head first into that. so how did they justify it to themselves? had they done it before?#and then. when did it become normal? a habit? smth enjoyable?#i might be running out of tags. but yeah. them being weirder. esp about each other and others.#nothing brings a group of people together like the overhanging knowledge that you sort of kinda wanna eat each other#(rlly wishing i could stomach realistic thrillers rn. but i just cant. gotta stick to written or artistic styles or risk panic attacks :/)#(ive tried a couple movies and shows now. and cant get through most of them. praise be synopses and peoples long rambles about them tho :D)#(nothing like reading someones passionate ramble about the meaning/symbolism of some gory nightmare without having to actually see it lol)
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Thinking about a Durge who has rejected Bhaal, and whatever person they used to be, but still secretly longs for their lost memories. A Durge that, despite the answers the man could give them, would never re-ignite that strange passion they were shown they once had for Gortash. A Durge that has, for all purposes to the others in their party, moved on. A Durge that, six months after that day atop the Netherbrain, at a party celebrating their new life, receives a strange letter with an even stranger gadget hidden inside.
The meeting at the inauguration was a strange one. Despite Gortash's very obvious elation at seeing what he'd called his 'dearest friend', the man had no hesitation very proudly detailing the Dark Urge's grand scheme; their grand design for the world to be.
In front of all their friends and 'new' lover, of course.
They were furious, and rightly so. Gortash must have known what he was doing. To isolate them, to bring them back to him. The person who accepted them for all they were, all they are, and all they could be - together.
It wasn't enough to win the Dark Urge back to him, and although they'd tentatively teamed up in the end - he had died. Not by the Urge's hand, but in some ways, his own. The group had left Gortash's body within the Prism, and simply moved on. There were bigger problems, and no one really was sad to see him go. Right?
The Urge remembers a letter found in Moonrise Towers. Gortash liked gadgets, according to Ketheric. Evidence was abundant enough with the Steel Watchers, among other things. The item is strangely shaped, entirely too small, and with a simple touch, comes to life.
It reminds them of the strange picture they had seen at the Iron Throne. Gortash's visage shone through a glass, moving, talking - warning them to leave. Answering them, praising them for listening.
What a strange contraption, they'd thought all those months ago.
And then, now, there he was again. A picture, in their hand. A moving picture. Speaking with his voice, wearing his weary face - so, so weary - but not the same as before.
This had passed already. The voice did not answer them this time. It was simply impossible - the man was dead, but not quite gone in this moment.
He speaks of the inauguration like it had just happened. His joy at seeing his favourite 'assassin' again, which he says with a sad smile and a moment of silence. A heavy sigh follows, rubbing at his eyes - which they can see are so much darker than they last remember.
He is tired.
Gortash speaks of their time together, before Orin - and how Orin torments him day and night now that they had both confirmed the Urge's return. She appears with their face, taunting him some days. Other days she sends assassins that wear the same, and he simply cannot let his guard down anymore. But he knew it was them that day.
They can see the exhaustion that pulls down his features, makes his words heavier. This is not the Archduke speaking to him in this moment - it is a tired, broken down man that has just seen a ghost.
Yet they cling to every word anyway, because even though this is a broken down man who is terrified of the ghost - the man still hopes the ghost will remember him, too.
They don't. But he doesn't know that, not this little picture of him, anyway.
The picture says that if they are seeing this recording, it means he is already dead - and although he had planned to sway them back to his side, he may not have been given the chance, and refuses to allow the opportunity to share what the two of them once had slip away.
He would gift unto them the memories that he could, even beyond death. The bloody ones, the happy ones, the painful ones.
And he talks, he smiles, he even cries.
And so do they.
#durgetash#dark urge x gortash#i dont usually write gushy things but i am trying to write fic of this i need to yell a bit#this has been sitting in my drafts i release it to the world now#dont look at me im cringe#i just think that my own dark urge would always long for their memories despite withers's warnings and#knows that gortash is the only person who could give it to them and selfishly sides with him because of it#and when gortash dies he knows all is lost. and accepts it. he has a new life now. its okay. (its not okay)#and when they see that funky lil thing in the letter They Know. They KNOW it's from That man#and there's a moment of hesitation as those words from withers flash in their mind again but nope fuck it. selfishness wins.#and even though the man was a monster - they were once eachother's monsters and - there are his answers. some of them anyway.#and he can finally let go of that : )#i dont have a writing tag nor do i want one rn this is a rarity for me#bg3 epilogue spoilers#minor spoilers but still
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A week has past since top surgery and I think I feel alright; my torso is beaten, bruised and sore but compared to just yesterday where I got semi nauseous todayi was able to sort of do stuff despite it
So in short: I'll survive 😁
#chose a gif of the kpe bojan just because#i made it through one episode of kaj per ester too#it said it was episode one but i am pretty sure it was episode 2#it seemed way too into its story to be the first episode#otherwise i have seen tons of the traitors with my hostesses#yesterday i hung over the toilet a bit more than i liked fearing to throw up#and at times my ribs seems to be begging me to free them from their misery#but other than that then every day is a bit less agony#and where i feel a bit more able to do stuff#that said i havent drawn since the bojan drawing#and i have not done much else than sit and watch tv#so time will tell if i am really doing better#or just hoping#it is only 7 days after all#seven more and than i can hopefully sleep on my side#and move my arms a bit more#but tbh rn i just hope for a bit less swollen torso tomorrow#micahs foolery#micahs thoughts#transgender#transmasc#nonbinary#top surgery#post op#top op recovery
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doodle dump
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp agent#lobotomy corp oc#pretty sure i have more i missed. just doodling since i cant get myself to make more than bare minimum effort rn#ocs as well so i dont need to think abt how to properly portray another. considering i literally made them up#personality wise anyways. took some creative liberties when it comes to actual gear and random generated agents anyways#maybe ill actually ramble abt them on the sideblog. Eden and Eliza mirrors to one another and picking specific aspects of humanity to cling#to. Eden deciding the subconscious and concepts of humanity brought to life is more ideal that humans themself. the more one loves of human#ity the less one begins to love of humans. Eliza becoming subservient and wanting to activly love humans and her kin even when they hold no#love for her in turn. Both needing to be rewarded or feel rewarded for their dedication. Idealizing each side. the idea of everyone is capa#ble of good and thus should be forgiven and unquestionable love and loyalty. Eden viewing people as senselessly killing oneanother in furth#er elaborate ways and rejects the idea of people all together and finds solance in the Concept than the Living#Angelina and Ryn with how one views time and survival. One hyperfocused on surviving of the current day and neglecting their own very self-#and desires while the other only looks towards the future and idealizes to the point where they dont even see the today. delusion to claw#through reality. Safety team w Brook Eliza Evgeni and Katya is a little harder to explain but the main concept with them as a Group being a#a jab at the happy workplace family that gets along. nuh uh#i guess another idea that is weaved into them is 'survival' and how one sees they can be fit to live or find a meaning to live. and the con#tradictions that arise from anothers perspective and how people 'ought to live'. a clash of either accepting or denying anothers way of#how one should survive. and the projection of a way to live. of 'i view this to be right and thus i will have you do this thing' saving an#aspect or person that they can see themself in to then essentally save themself.#will i be able to handle such ideas with finesse? likely not i dont have faith in myself to properly encapsulate such topics to a perfect#enough degree but it is interesting to explore
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↳ SIDE HOTD (1 /∞ ) 🐺🏹 MYRANDA OF MAIDENS MOUTH ── i don't belong here, i don't belong anywhere. (x) (x) (x)
#t: edits#*hotds#c: myranda#i just wanted to get her outta my head ig.#she's the only kid outta the five of them that uses the stark last name tho#literally just makes it her business tbh she has NO reason to be doing what she does#post dance she'll most likely stay south of the wall to like...experience adventure and stuff but#yeah....literally just here.#she holds no real weight tbh i just wanted to mess around with concepts#literally the random relative you've never me that just shows up randomly like can we hang out???#probably gonna do one of these for elsa and some of the other side hotd hoes just to stay on like a edits#or creativity schedule or something#in a ton of pain rn with back and leg issues (have no idea wtf is going on) so just trying to keep busy and off of webmd
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not me blearily waking up at 5:30am almost in tears bc I had a dream that Ian had apparently been making more little OK KO shorts on the side and the utter joy I was feeling as dream!me was scrambling to find & watch them only to wake up before I could........ :((((
#there were 5 of them out already apparently#the most recent one had a Ray focus to it so big shocker that that's the one that caught my attention#and dream!me was like ''oh so THAT'S why ppl have been spam-liking all my Ray posts recently!! makes sense 👌''#I actually got to se like a little ending clip for that one where like. he was wearing this stupid cloak & outfit—#—kinda looked a little Shadowy Figure-esque actually??—but apparently he was like. secretly doing hero work on the side or smth??#and then at the end he had this convo with Darrell back at the factory where he monologued about how dabbling in hero work--#--made the villainy they do feel all the sweeter or smth like that & he was all dreamy-eyed pensive staring up at the sky#and Darrell was??? drinking imaginary tea/coffee from an imaginary cup which you could tell bc he had his pinkie up#and then when Ray finished his monologue Darrell just gave him this most unimpressed smirk & dumped out his imaginary cup over the balcony#like pour-one-out style??? and then that was the end of the short 😂😂#and so dream!me was pissing her pants bc HERO RAYMOND REAL AFTER ALL??¿????#and there were some other like screenshots/gifs I stumbled across on my way to find the actual shorts themselves#(Ian apparently had a whole lil youtube channel he was posting them to lol which I only found right before I woke up)#but the only one I can remember now was Elodie doing a Big YellTM towards KO about something 😂😂#broooo there are genuine tears being wiped from my eyes rn wtf is thissssss 🤣🤣 I have work soon I need my SLEEP#but I had to document this bc it was just. so Visceral & now I am so so so soooo bummed that it wasn't actually real TwT#I think my brain & heart have gotten too inspired by how some of my other Big Fave interests have been getting sequels/remasters lately#so now my soul is Once Again I Am Yearning For Justice For OK KO.meme TTwTT#anyways. god it's taken me an entire half hour to blearily tap this out on my phone. time to squeeze another half hour of snooze before work#OK KO#shut up Wisp
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this is so annoying and funny. just inventing a bunch of people to be mad at bc of your own inability to handle nuance
#don't think i've ever seen anyone actually fully on the rv's side up to approving of their methods#and think i have seen a total of like 3 posts that got anywhere near that since they've been introduced.#and the second part LMAO me when i understand colonialism and know only one group of people can do it to a place ever#crposting#ANYWAYS sorry my i am on day 4 without my adhd meds bc they're on national backorder 🤪 so i'm more. reactive? rn than usual
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i have such mixed feelings on radiosilence bro
DO NOT TAG AS RADIO SILENCE !!!
#onewaybroadcast#just my. thoughts on it#one sided radiostatic#hazbin hotel ships#how can i hate and love something so much at the same time HOW#the answer is probably. i dont. my emotions take turns. very patiently#ngl i mostly just made the typed text bigger bc the “bro” was isolated on the next line and it's not “even” enough#*not “even enough” when it's only one small word on one line#do i have ocd? no fuckin idea. and ocd already gets enough shitass stereotypes so i don't wanna self diagnose#this isn't even about ocd this is just a shitpost what#i am diagnosed with adhd btw and by golly i am adhding so fuckinggg hard rn HELL#erm anyway
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DAKOTA YOUR RUINING MY LIFE STOP TELLING ME THAT I'M THE EXTERIOR FRIEND AND THAT NONE OF MY TUMBLR MOOTS ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME.
Uugh.... I can't fucking take it because after telling him “oh yeah I get that feeling” HE'S IMMEDIATELY TELLING ME THAT THEY DON'T LIKE ME AND NOW I THINK THEY DON'T.
#cw vent#tw vent#guh#time to start distancing myself even more!#“im not gonna sugar coat it.”#I DON'T CARE IM A KID I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT NEVER ACTUALLY LIKED ME????#DUDE.#anyway#watch me DIE.#im so done#it probably is the truth anyway#no one gives two shits about me and im just some emotional burden on them#like a leech#im literally just a leech to my moots#i don't mean all of you guys#because i said my specific five group circle#even though its different but like#frost and alice and thrash and ghost#oh yk MY ONLY FRIENDS I CAN TRUST.#i knew it#they all have each other and i don't exist im just here standing off to the side like always#NOT AGAIN#how does this happen online#i thought people could only do this to you irl#i just said their names so whenever they see this fhey know its about them#why? i don't care anymore. i might as well just fucking say it#sorry im being stupidly honest rn im such a dick eeughh ignore me
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one thing about all my y.akuza s/is is that they love older men
#ash rambles 💚#it's a running gag for a lot of them#my k.iryu s/i literally says in 0 that k.ashiwagi is the hottest man that she's ever seen#she thinks the same in y1 (this is the only time in the series we get to hear her inner thoughts btw)#and in y2 she makes a comment about how (wow.. he only gets more handsome with age- WAIT I'M AT A FUNERAL RN I REALLY SHOULDN'T)#there's no feelings there but it's absolutely played for laughs#even my i.shin Ash makes a comment about I.noue being supeeerrrr hot#(as a side note k.ashiwagi is one of my favorite y.akuza characters! i also think he's the most handsome man in the series!)#(i don't ship with him but he's like a blorbo to me)#and ofc. k.iryu!ash makes more comments about how the bartender is hot-#my N.anba Ash says that she likes older men with glasses. which is both a reference to the bartender and N.anba#my J.udgment Ash (the older one thats besties with Y.agami) has a comment about the bartender being hot too#and she also says that H.amura looks a lot like a guy that she got handsy and heated with in the back of a club once. Y.agami thinks she#has some serious issues. H.amura?! seriously?!#oh and my K.ido Ash makes a comment about A.rai being super hot. says that it makes sense that K.ido is so loyal to him#K.ido's jaw just drops. seriously?! A.RAI?! THATS HIS ANIKI???#it's just something thats played for jokes#after all the series can be quite comedic#but a good chunk of my y.akuza s/is do make comments about older men that are not their men being super hot#oh and D.ate Ash says something about how her type is a little older and a detective and basically everything that D.ate is#all of my y.akuza s/is are VERY different. but they do all share a love for men twice their age apparently#my s/is are all around the same age as their respective f/os though#the comment about wagi is the REAL reason why N.ishiki shot Ash in Y.akuza 1 btw /MASSIVE J#he did shoot her though- ash says in y2 that she's glad because the scar is a way to remember him#she was not so glad when she was bleeding out in her bar-#ily n.ishiki.. i miss you buddy#this is just a ramble post huh. anyways happy holidays! I'm gonna grocery shop today! and my copy of y8 came in the mail...#WITH NO DISC INSIDE?! my life is so fucking wild man#shark attack 🦈!#patch me up 🩹
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i. am going to have a very busy next couple of days/weeks
#good things happening!! just. stressful and time consuming.#will make my life a looot better though so excited about the end result. not excited about#all the work im gonna have to do..sigh.....if only boxes could unpack themselves#on the bright side i will finally have a desk again!! and all my art supplies!! more than just ballpoint pens!#well ok i have my paints with me rn i just dont really have good paper to paint on#on the not so bright side my desk is in pieces. and will have to be put back together. there are not instructions. those are long gone#but then we will finally be fully moved in 🎉its been months.....#very long and complicated process i will not go into bc i am not doxxing myself#but oooh boy. its been a time. well mostly a lot of sitting around and waiting and brief spurts of being incredibly busy#all this and then im just gonna move again next summer....it will not be nearly as much of an ordeal though#most of my things will stay at my parents place im just gonna take....whatever i can idk thats a problem for future me#but. man this year has sure been a year. and next year is shaping up to be another one
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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