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lacrimaomnis · 3 years

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BRF Reading, 20/7/2021 (Part 1 of 3)

Background: This is the one question that drives me to pick up the tarot and learn to read myself. Some of you might be reminded of three spreads @celticcrossanon did on Archie, and yes, this is partly inspired by those spreads. I asked this question again because the first time I tried to read about it, I got the feeling of my stomach churning and it was so bad I wanted to throw up, so I thought: there must be something. Am I scared to do this reading the entire time? Yes, I am very much scared because I'm afraid the cards will show me something I don't want to see. But as you can see, the curiosity killed the cat. I am that cat.

A fair warning though, this reading might veer into the conspiracy theory realm. Is it hard to believe? It is. Just because I read tarot doesn't mean I believe in conspiracies. I find it difficult to believe what I read because it challenges all the established facts that were particularly established by the existence of the birth certificate.

This is the first of three spreads.

As written, this is merely a speculation and therefore must be taken with a grain of salt. This speculation is not true until proven otherwise.

My question is, does Lili exist?

Cards drawn: Page of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles, Page of Swords, Four of Wands, Five of Cups, Eight of Cups, Page of Cups Underlying energies: Nine of Wands, Queen of Cups

Summary: I have my "yes, I do exist!" card, which is the Page of Swords, but with it came another two Pages. This reading is confusing at best and is just nonsense straight out of the realm of conspiracy theory at worst.

First card: Page of Pentacles. As a birthday card, in my deck, this card is associated with birthdays between December 22 to December 28. Zodiac wise, Pentacles represent the earth signs: Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn. If we are to believe the information given to us, Lili was born on 4th June, which means she is an air sign, particularly Gemini -- but this card as the first card drawn immediately made me doubt if she is indeed delivered on 4th June because this card suggests otherwise.

This card suggests to me that Lili is a Capricorn because this card is associated with birthdays between December 22 to 28, but that just does not make sense. If she was delivered on 4th June, and assuming all are normal (9 months pregnancy, nothing is out of the ordinary), then she should've been conceived at least 9 months before June, which should be around September last year. Barring anything that could go wrong, it is impossible to have her born in December, just 3 months after being conceived -- because if she was indeed born in December last year, she doesn't exist, the woman who carried her miscarried.

What is not impossible, however, if she is delivered later than 4th June. Here is where I veer into the realm of conspiracy theory. My understanding of how each person is assigned into a zodiac is rudimentary at best, so please do bear with me. If this card is to be believed, then Lili should have been born around December 22 to 28 this year. If again, we assume normal pregnancy for whoever carried her (9 months, no early delivery, yadda yadda), then she should've been conceived around March this year. This interpretation implies that Lili is still not here yet. Which is impossible, because we have her birth certificate.

Whichever theory you choose to believe, neither of them makes sense to me. Both are equally impossible. I ruminate a lot around this card because this is the card in the first position, and for me, anything than the Page of Swords in the first position indicates an answer other than "yes, she exists". I think I even remember the controversies around the supposed birth certificate, but the only thing I remember from it is that Harry was listed as HRH something something.

Second card: Queen of Pentacles. Who are you? What are you doing here? How do you relate to this reading? If you are not Meghan, then who are you?

Queens typically represents feminine energy, and Queen of Pentacles is the ultimate embodiment of a motherly figure. She is practical, secure, motherly, and wise. In my deck, she is illustrated as a woman wearing a crown and holding a rabbit inside her arms; a symbol of fertility and family.

I was just...who are you? You are a woman of the earth signs. You are not Meghan. Are you the surrogate people have been seeing in their cards and have been suspecting? Do you confirm to me (even when I don't ask) that Lili is born from your womb and not Meghan's? What do you want to tell me? Are you even a person? My gut says you represent someone, but who are you?

Third card: Page of Swords. This is the absolute "yes, I do exist!" card for Lili if she is indeed born on 4th June. Sadly, this card is not the first card of this spread -- that spot was filled with the Page of Pentacles. Page of Swords is the card of "words and ideas" rather than "feeling and intuition". She (the pages in my deck are all drawn as young women) is associated with messages and messengers and can also manifest as gossip, which made me think about the buzz around Lili's birth. There were a lot of hearsays and speculation before and after her birth, particularly because of the distasteful choice of the name her parents given her.

Now, in my reading, there are several Cups cards (Five, Eight, the Page). If this card comes up with several Cups cards, this card is particularly hard about honesty. This caused me to think: is there any dishonesty on Meghan's part from the announcement of pregnancy and until Lili is born?

Fourth card: Four of Wands. Again, this card seems to come up a lot lately. This card is closely associated with the elements of home and family. It is about a new life, new success, and prosperity. In this spread, this card is about the "immediate future".

Fifth card: Five of Cups. This is the pair for the Four of Wands. This is the card of grief, loss, and negative thinking. This card signifies difficulty and loss, and as it is the pair of the Four of Wands, could this signify that the loss was about a family member? An element of home?

The only thing I can think of is that the readings saying either whoever that carried Lili miscarried or something happened to Lili that involves a loss so difficult that Meghan mourned as if she lost Lili.

Sixth card: Eight of Cups. The card of walking away, leaving the situation, and leaving things behind. This card heralds change and transition, prompted by dissatisfaction, unhappiness, or because it is that time to take that leap of faith. This could mean turning away from a present situation even if you have invested a lot of money and energy into it, just because it is time to move on.

This card comes in pair with the Page of Swords. This may tell us that we will hear of new rumours surrounding this child to turn our attention away from the distasteful choice of her name (which is entirely her parents' fault, she is in no way responsible for something she didn't have the power to choose) -- that book by Harry? An alternative interpretation is that Lili is left behind, people walking away from her because she disappointed them, whatever the reason was. I really really hope this was not the case.

Seventh card: Page of Cups. This card is about creativity, new projects, and inspiration, but also about immaturity, escapism, and emotional troubles. This card comes as the pair of the Queen of Pentacles: if the Queen of Pentacles is the surrogate, could this mean that carrying Lili caused her turmoil and emotional troubles?

Underlying energy 1: Nine of Wands. This is the card of being wounded, to hold your ground, and of resilience. This card often indicates that the querent must hold their ground against all the challenges thrown their way. This card may also speak of a recent illness. Was Lili ill? Is she ill? Was whoever carried her suffered from illness?

Underlying energy 2: Queen of Cups. This is the card of virtue, fertility, creativity, success, and power, but also of an inability to connect emotionally, a lack of empathy, and stress -- and this is coming across as Meghan. She perhaps might be stressed, she might perhaps is in a disconnect with Lili? If looked at from the Queen of Pentacles angle, the Queen of Cups further emphasised that Meghan, represented by the Queen of Cups here, might not be fertile or healthy enough to carry Lili full term, which further reinforces the Queen of Pentacles represents the surrogate analysis. Combined with the Nine of Wands, I am inclined to say that either Meghan is in distress and might not be able to connect with Lili, who needed her mother the most at these moments, or that Meghan might not be healthy or fertile enough to have a baby and carry it full term.

Conclusion: This reading tells me absolutely nothing I want to hear, but rather it makes me question things that are already established (I'm looking at you, Page of Pentacles). Nothing makes sense. I got an answer to a question I didn't even ask (that Queen of Pentacles) if that counts as an answer. Just as I feared, the cards showed me something I did not want to see, because I don't see anything that tells me "yes, this baby exists, she is healthy, and she is loved by her parents".

#reading: brf #g reads

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mirai-studies-languages · 3 years

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Analysis of ‘No Body No Crime’ by Taylor Swift, Part 1

Hi! As a Swiftie and a fan of literature, I absolutely love analysing Taylor Swift’s lyrics because they are absolutely phenomenal. In this post I’ll analyse some of the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s song “No body, no crime” from her album Evermore. I’ll do a line-by-line analysis, and I will elaborate more on the themes of the song, along with some further deeper analysis of the characters and semantics of the song over the next few posts. I’ll refer to ideas from other websites and sources to deepen my analysis. I can’t really provide much analysis of the actual music, since my strengths lie in language analysis. Let’s get started!

No body no crime

Straight away, our title introduces us to one of the central themes of the song: Justice. People say “no body, no crime” to suggest that as long as there is no particularly incriminating evidence, then the person being accused of the crime must be innocent. This is, of course, a rather frustrating idea, since we all know that bodies can be disposed of. The song plays with this frustration and returns to this idea as the song progresses.

Every time we hear this chorus, it is with a new layer of meaning added to it, causing us to examine the idea of evidence, or lack thereof, playing in someone’s favour, from different perspectives.

There is a sense of finality and firmness that accompanies this saying. It is the kind of thing someone might say to dismiss a person’s concerns. In the context of this song, this possibly represents how people will staunchly adhere to arbitrary beliefs, despite how this negatively impacts humanity’s ability to have a truly just justice system. This lends itself to the ever-present frustration of this song.

It is also quite a short and empty phrase, in terms of emotional depth, which is perhaps what makes it so versatile in this song. It can mean many things, or rather be seen in different lights, depending on the context of the story it is presented in.

This title can also be used to generally describe how a lack of evidence can lead the perpetrator of any crime or misdeed to walk free.

He did it He did it

The song starts with this foreboding chant, immediately leading us to ask questions. Who is “he”? What did he do?

As a listener, we already understand the cultural connotations of what is being said. When we say someone did “it”, we are usually referring to a crime, which links in nicely with the main title.

To me at least, there is a sense of anger mingled with determination in these two short sentences. They are complete short sentences that pack a lot of emotional impact with them, which emphasises our narrator’s certainty about this belief. The repetition also reinforces this. This accompanies a sense of danger and anticipation: we know he did it...now what?

Este’s a friend of mine We meet up every Tuesday night for dinner and a glass of wine

Our story begins with the introduction of the person who is arguably our plot's catalyst: Este. The way she is introduced is through the lens of our narrator, who interestingly introduces Este through the way she relates to the narrator (“a friend of mine”). It is like we are being told a story, or perhaps a confession, by an old friend because we need the narrator’s guidance on her and her character, which is strange considering we know almost nothing about our narrator.

The introduction is quite innocent, which leaves us with a sense of unease considering our morbid title and first lines. It feels like the calm before the storm, since what is being described is so normal. This initial setting adds a sense of warmth to the story. It evokes images of giggling confessions and glowing candles on a small cosy table for two. Do you know how a lot of horror films start their main story in quite a nice setting to lull the viewers into a false sense of security but also anxiety? This has that kind of energy.

We are also introduced to one of the central relationships in this story; the relationship between Este and the narrator. Our narrator (I am going to assume they are a woman) seems to have quite a friendly relationship with Este, since they are doing the activity of having dinner together. I assume that they are both women almost instantly, since friends having a get together with some wine is something I associate more with women than men.

I would also say that this also introduces a key facet of Este’s character: reliability. She makes good on her commitments, which will be more relevant later. This will give her a more likeable image.

Este’s been losing sleep

This quite swiftly moves the plot into more unfriendly territory, as we instantly wonder why on earth she is so worried. This instantly draws our sympathy, since worry is a very relatable feeling, causing us to identify with her.

Not sleeping has obviously detrimental physical effects, so whatever bad situation she is in is literally causing her to “lose” her health, which could foreshadow her death.

The fact that our narrator is being confided in by Este, this is further proof of their close relationship.

Our story so far has operated on the belief that we know who the narrator is, since it is the recounting of a story that focuses on other people (namely Este and her husband), which is strange since a single perspective is usually quite biased. The outsider’s perspective provides a sense of detachment that lends itself to the illusion of a cool unbiased narrator (which is probably not the case here). To me, it could also be indirect characterisation, and implies that the character of the narrator is not a particularly self-obsessed person, and is perhaps used to being more of a background observer. Hell, that might just be the way they are presenting themselves, in order to further justify their actions. After all, how can you fairly judge someone you don’t really know? Or the song is just quite short so you cannot really elaborate much on all the characters. There is a lot you could say about this.

Her husband’s acting different and it smells like infidelity

This, of course, instantly causes us to sympathise with Este. This misleading beginning causes us to believe that the crime in question is simply infidelity. It does not seem sinister though, since infidelity is common.

This line immediately brings up feelings of anger in the listener for obvious reasons, and anger is a pretty good motivator to keep on listening.

In saying that “it smells like infidelity” suggests that Este is something of an investigator, and is sniffing out the culprit of crimes done against her. It could also simply be a reference to smelling his bullshit (a.k.a his lies).

Also (stay with me here), maybe the use of the verb “acting” could imply that Este and her husband’s relationship has become a performance of sorts, since he is unwilling to admit that there are some obvious issues in their marriage.

This is the first post, I’ll continue my analysis in another post. I hope you enjoyed this analysis!

#taylor swift #swiftie #no body no crime #lyric analysis #taylor swift lyrics #evermore

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biostudyblog · 4 years

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Learning

Classical Conditioning

While researching dog digestion, Ivan Pavlov accidentally made an interesting discovery; the dogs were learning to pair sounds in their environment with their food, eliciting natural responses like salivation even when no food was present. Pavlov had accidentally stumbled upon the concept of classical conditioning. He looked closer into this concept and made many interesting discoveries which became invaluable in understanding how learning works in both humans and animals. In his experiments, there was an unconditioned stimulus (US), which is something which elicits a natural response in subjects. For example, food causes salivation- the salivation is the unconditioned response (UR). By pairing a neutral stimulus such as a tuning fork with the unconditioned stimulus, the dog’s learnt to pair that sound with food, and began to salivate when the tuning fork was rung, even without food being present. At this point, the salivation is now a conditioned response (CR), and the tuning fork is a conditioned stimulus (CS).

It is considered learning when the animal responds to the CS without the US. This initial learning is called acquisition, after the acquiring of new behaviour. Repeated pairings of a CS and US can yield stronger CR’s, but only to a certain degree. The order and timing of the pairing also impact the strength of the CR. The fastest acquisition occurred when the tuning fork is rung, and while it is still ringing, the dogs are presented with food. This is called delayed conditioning. There are other kinds of conditioning but have not been shown to be as effective.

Trace conditioning: The presentation of the CS, followed by a short break, followed by the presentation of the US

Simultaneous conditioning: The CS and the US are presented at the same time.

Backward conditioning: US is presented first and is followed by the CS.

Unlearning behaviour is known as extinction. This is defined when the CS no longer causes the CR. An interesting part of this process is spontaneous recovery, where after the extinction of the conditioned response, it briefly reappears when presented with the conditioned stimulus. The tendency to respond to similar CS’s is known as a generalisation (the dog responds to a bell as well as a tuning fork). Subjects can also learn to differentiate or discriminate between different stimuli.

Many other experiments looking at Classical Conditioning have taken place, however, one significant one was John Watson and Rosalie Rayner’s Little Albert experiment. They brought a little white rat to the little boy and taught him to associate the rat with a loud bang, causing him to be afraid of the rat. The boy ended up generalising, as he was afraid of other white fluffy things such as beards and a white rabbit. This is an example of aversive conditioning. Where a negative response is taught to a subject, rather than a positive one. Another example of aversive conditioning is the use of horrible tasting nail polish to dissuade nail biters from biting.

When a CS elicits a CR, it’s briefly possible to use the CS as an US to condition a response to a new stimulus. This is second-order, or higher-order conditioning.

Biology & Classical Conditioning

Classical conditioning does not always work. Recent research has shown that humans and animals are more biologically prepared to make certain connections over others. A good example of this is learned taste aversions. If you eat too much of certain food and begin to feel nauseous, you will learn to avoid that food or drink. They can cause powerful aversions after just one bad incident, and in fact, the two events are often separated by several hours. Taste aversions most commonly take place with strong and unusual tastes. The CS (the food) must be salient (noticeable) in order to cause the aversion. John Garcia and Robert Koelling performed an experiment showing how rats made certain associations more than others. The results of that experiment are shown in the table below. The ease with how animals learn taste aversions is known as the Garcia Effect.

Operant Conditioning

Operant Conditioning is a type of learning based on the association of consequences with behaviour. Edward Thorndike was one of the first to research this phenomenon. His experiments involved putting a cat into a puzzle box. The cat was in a cage next to a bowl of food and had to get out to get the food. The amount of time it took for the cat to get out of the box decreased over a series of trials. The amount of time decreased gradually showing that the cat was learning the new behaviour without mental activity, but just by connecting a stimulus and a response. This led to Thorndike’s law of effect, which states that if the consequences of a behaviour are pleasurable, the stimulus-response connection will strengthen, and the subject will likely repeat that behaviour. If the consequences are negative, the likelihood of the behaviour will decrease. He labelled this instrumental learning.

B.F Skinner coined the term operant conditioning. He invented a contraption called a Skinner box which delivered food to an animal by pressing a lever, pushing a button, or pecking a disk. The food is a reinforcer, and giving the food is reinforcement. There are two types of reinforcement; positive and negative. Positive reinforcement is the addition of something pleasant, and negative reinforcement is the removal of something unpleasant. Escape learning allows a subject to terminate an aversive stimulus, while avoidance learning enables them to avoid the stimulus completely. If a child causes a fuss in class and is asked to leave, that is escape learning. If he decides to skive off altogether, that’s avoidance learning. Behaviour can also be shaped by negative consequences. This is known as punishment. Positive punishment is the addition of something unpleasant, while negative punishment or omission training is the removal of something pleasant.

Punishment vs Reinforcement

Punishment is operant conditioning’s aversive conditioning. It is most effective if it is delivered immediately after the undesired behaviour. Harsh punishments can have unintended consequences, for example hitting your dog may dissuade it from misbehaving, but may cause fear or anger in the dog.

To get the rat to pull the lever in the box, Skinner used a process known as shaping. Shaping reinforces the steps used to arrive at the desired behaviour. If you’ve ever trained a dog, you’ll know that training requires incremental steps towards the behaviour, instead of immediately expecting them to do it. By rewarding approximations of the behaviour, it increases the chances they will stumble upon it later. Animals can also be taught to perform a number of responses successively. This concept is known as chaining.

Vocabulary used for classical conditioning also works with operant conditioning. Here they are with the context of a rat in a skinner box.

Acquisition: The rat learns to press the lever to get food

Extinction: The rat stops pressing the lever as it no longer gets food

Spontaneous Recovery: After extinguishing the original behaviour, without further training, the rat begins to press the bar again.

Generalisation: If the rat presses things like buttons, not just levers to get food

Discrimination: If the rat is only taught to press a specific bar, or only to press the bar when a sound is playing (in this scenario, the tone is a discriminative stimulus.)

There are two kinds of reinforcers. Primary reinforcers are naturally rewarding. Things like food, water, and rest that we don’t need to learn to enjoy. Secondary reinforcers are things we have learnt to value, such as praise or allowing someone to play a video game. Money is a generalised reinforcer, as it can be traded for virtually anything. An application of generalised reinforcers is called the token economy, where every time a person in a token economy performs something desired, they receive a token that they can trade for one of a variety of reinforcers. Not all reinforcers are desirable, and they’re not desirable all the time. Try rewarding a teen who’s just stuffed their face with cake, with even more cake and see how willing they are to win it. The idea that the reinforcing properties of something depend on the situation connects with the Premack principle, where whichever of the two activities is preferred can be used to encourage the less preferred activity.

Reinforcement Schedules

When behaviour has just begun to be learnt, continuous reinforcement is best, however, once it has been learnt, a partial reinforcement schedule tends to be ideal. According to the partial-reinforcement effect, behaviours are more resistant to extinction if the animal hasn’t been reinforcement hasn’t been done continuously. The types of partial-reinforcement are described in the table below.

Noticing a break in a variable pattern is much more difficult, which is why variable patterns are more resistant to extinction.

Biology and Operant Conditioning

As cool as operant conditioning is, it has its limits. Animals will not perform certain behaviours that go against their natural inclinations, for example, rats will not walk backwards. The tendency for animals to ignore rewards to pursue their typical behavioural patterns is called instinctive drift.

Cognitive Learning

The Contingency Model

The Pavlovian model of classical conditioning is known as the contiguity model as it states that the more times two things are paired, the greater the learning that will take place. Robert Rescorla’s research revised the Pavlovian model to apply it to more complicated scenarios.

In his experiments, he had two dogs, both of which were presented with food and a bell 10 times. However, one of the other dogs was also presented with 5 trials where the food was given with no bell, and 5 trials where the bell was rung with no food. Common sense says the first dog would have a stronger response, but the contiguity model says that their responses would be the same.

In comes Rescorla’s revision; the contingency model. This model states that A is contingent upon B when A depends on B and vice versa. In other words, the presence of one event reliably predicts the presence of the other. For the first dog, the food is contingent upon the presence of the bell, however, for the second one, the relationship between the US and the CS is less clear, making the following response less strong.

Observational Learning

As children grow up, they learn how to behave based on how the people in their lives do. This is known as observational learning, or modelling, and was studied extensively by Albert Bandura while he was forming his social-learning theory.

Modelling has two basic components: observation and imitation. In a scenario with two brothers, while the older brother is playing football outside, the little brother watches his little brother, and imitates his behaviour, playing football as well. However, modelling isn’t all positive. Children who grow up in abusive environments are more likely to model that behaviour when they grow up, leading to a cycle of behaviour.

Latent Learning

Edward Tolman did substantial research into latent learning. Latent learning is learning that only becomes obvious when reinforcement is given for learning it.

In his experiments, Tolman had 3 groups of rats go through a maze. One group was rewarded every time they finished the maze. Their performance in the maze improved rapidly. The second group was never rewarded and showed gradual improvement. The third group wasn’t rewarded for the first half of the trials, but for the second half received a reward. In the first half, their performance matched with the second group, however in the second half of the trials, their performance spiked, showing that the rats had learnt their way around the maze in the first half of the trials, however, their performance didn’t drastically improve because they weren’t motivated to improve.

Abstract Learning

Abstract learning is the idea that we learn in general, not necessarily about specific behaviours. Some animals used in skinner boxes like pigeons and rats have shown this ability. Pigeons, for example, have learnt to peck pictures that had never seen before if those pictures were of chairs.

Insight Learning

Wolfgang Kohler performed insight learning experiments on chimpanzees. Insight learning occurs when someone suddenly realises how to do a problem. A moment of insight can happen when you’re taking a test when all of a sudden you realise what the answer is. Kohler argued that learning happened in this sudden fashion because of insight and not because of the gradual strengthening of S-R connections.

In his study with chimpanzees, he put them into scenarios to see how they’d solve problems. In one, he suspended a banana from the ceiling, out of the chimps reach. He found that the chimps would spend most of their time unproductively using their time rather than gradually working towards the banana. All of a sudden, they would have a moment of insight, and stack boxes to reach it.

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skybird13 · 5 years

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What Went Wrong With Clover and Qrow: The Writing Pt. 1

And What CRWBY Could Have Done Better

[Spoilers for all of RWBY Vol. 7]

Now that the final episode for RWBY volume 7 has aired (for first members, at least) and I’ve had over a week to throw my tantrum and air my more emotional grievances, I think now is the perfect time to delve into the mechanics of what I believe went wrong when it came to episode 12, particularly in regards to the writing itself. For those of you who have been following my blog for any length of time, it should come as no surprise to you that in order to do this, we have to go all the way back to the beginning of the volume and break things down. For the rest of you... this is going to be a long post. In fact, it ended up being so long, I’m going to break it down into four parts, focusing on three episodes each up to episode 12.

There are a lot of layers to the anger and hurt surrounding Clover’s death. And while my emotional reaction is still very much there, I really do want to take the time to do this so that people can better understand at least one of those layers. I won’t be getting too much into the shipping aspect in this post or even the queer coding that I personally perceived in Clover’s character. Rather, I’m going to be analyzing the writing decisions and offering my personal suggestions for how CRWBY could have tweaked things to make the events in episode 12, as they happened, far more feasible (i.e. foreshadow Clover’s behavior and remove the flirting, primarily).

Note: This is a critique. I’m not going for negativity here but rather for constructive criticism, where I’ll be acknowledging what CRWBY did well alongside what they could have done better. If you read to the end of part 4 of this series, you’ll find that even after everything, a part of me still very much wants to give CRWBY the benefit of the doubt.

So, without further ado, here we go.

Episode 1 - Clover’s Introduction

I made a whole post breaking down and analyzing Clover’s introductory scenes in episode 1 where I focused pretty heavily on the animation and the framing. You can read it here if you’d like, but to summarize, the way these scenes play out makes it very clear that Qrow and Clover are going to be linked somehow. These scenes worked, and even in light of the events in episode 12, they still work because things are left pretty open. We have no idea if Qrow and Clover are going to like one another, much less get along to any degree. We just know that we, the audience, are meant to connect them. These scenes, in fact, were done incredibly well.

As far as writing goes, they don’t say a whole lot to one another. In fact, Clover doesn’t speak to Qrow directly at all and the only thing Qrow says is:

“Hey, pal, I’m a licensed Huntsman. Just helped save everyone?”

So... pretty par for the course there. Nothing that really needs to be addressed. This is totally something we expect Qrow to say.

So let’s take a look at Clover’s dialogue. I don’t want to quote every single line, at least not in this particular scene, so I’ll just pull out a few that I think do a great job of setting up his character.

In response to Dr. Polendina asking what the Ace Ops are doing in Mantle:

“Well, we heard a report of an unauthorized ship making an unauthorized landing, followed by an unauthorized use of weapons by non-licensed Huntsmen.”

In response to Dr. Polendina wanting to talk it out:

“They’ll be able to talk this out once they get up to Atlas.”

This is a fantastic bit of writing because it establishes several things at once.

1) Clover is lawful good. The reasons he lists for being there, and the way he emphasizes the “unauthorized” nature of it all, makes it pretty clear that he’s there to do his job. He doesn’t respond to Qrow or even check him for a license, and he rebuffs Dr. Polendina’s desire to talk things out right there. Clover arrests the teams because in his eyes they were breaking the law, and that’s all he really needs to know.

2) It sets him up as Qrow’s opposite in ideology, which is a great way to mirror the opposite Semblance reveal later.

3) It also introduces the possibility of negative tension between him and Qrow. The problem with this is that this tension is never once realized throughout the rest of the volume. In fact, the complete opposite happens and they get along very well. My biggest critique here is that CRWBY absolutely put themselves in a position where episode 12 could have made more sense but then never took it anywhere. Instead, they focused on building up their relationship as a positive thing.

Problem Tally For This Episode: 0.5. There’s really nothing I would have changed about this particular scene because I think it was very nicely done. Things are introduced and set up but left ambiguous enough that we have no idea how things between Qrow and Clover are going to go. The 0.5 is an acknowledgment of the potential set up for the episode 12 conflict that went unused.

Suggested Changes Tally For This Episode: 0

Episode 2 - Making Amends

(^^ I had to go with this screenshot, Clover’s expression is way too good XD)

The end of episode 2 is the first time we see Clover and the other Ace Ops since they arrested the main cast down in Mantle. And... this is where things start to go wrong. Or, perhaps it would be better to say, this is where things could have gone differently. While Clover and Qrow don’t interact in this episode, there are still some key decisions made in regards to Clover’s character.

I’ll pull out the relevant lines and analyze them as we go, then offer up my suggestions for changes.

When the Teams come down the stairs after their meeting with James, Clover approaches them and says:

“I’d like to sincerely apologize for the miscommunication down in Mantle. We didn’t intend to-”

We never learn what it was they “didn’t intend” to do because Elm cuts him off when she practically body-checks him out of the way 😆 But the wording of this line immediately shifts our perspective on Clover a little. He’s no longer behaving like the stringent, unapologetic law enforcer, but is instead acknowledging that he and his team probably messed up a little by not listening/talking to the Teams. It’s a small thing, but it’s our first hint that while he is lawful good, he is by no means unreasonable or unreachable. Contrast him with Cordovin in volume 6 who listens to absolutely nothing, doesn’t apologize, and never budges in her determination to stop the Teams until she has no other choice.

Now, because writing often relies on the tension between various characters’ lines, and because characters are often defined by those around them as much as by what they themselves say, I think it’s important to have a transcript of the following exchange between Ruby, Weiss, Elm, Marrow, and Clover:

Elm: I feel so bad, honestly! If we had known who you were, we’d be laughing over a hot meal right now and--

Ruby: I understand. You were just following orders.

Weiss: I mean, you could have asked us some questions first.

Marrow: Questions are for the weak, but we’re all on the same team now. Not that I’m happy about it.

Clover: We just wanted to say we’re sorry, and that we’re looking forward to working with you on our next mission. You might be students, but you’ve been fighting just as hard as we have, if not harder.

There’s quite a bit to tease out here. Some of it good, some of it not so great in terms of the larger picture and the events in episode 12.

First of all, Elm apologizes. This functions as a reflection on Clover. Good writers find ways to define and build character through the people around them as much as from the character’s own actions and behavior. As the team leader, you expect Clover’s teammates to have picked up on some of his more prominent characteristics and ways of thinking. The fact that Elm not only apologizes but insinuates that knowing who the Teams were would have changed the decisions made in Mantle, suggests a certain level of flexibility. It can also be argued that this foreshadows the fact that at least one of them will go through a change thanks to their association with the Teams. On a deep writing level, that foreshadowing is there, and I’ll make an argument in just a second for why Clover is set up to be that changed character.

But first, let’s look at Ruby and Weiss’s lines, which both serve well to introduce the fundamental difference between themselves and the Ace Ops: “make it up as we go” RWBY, JNOR, and Qrow as opposed to “arrest now ask questions later” Ace Ops. This is good. This works well as the first hint that conflict between them is possible. I have no complaints here.

And then we get to Marrow’s line. This is where things get a little murky but maybe that was the intent. He’s definitely posturing for his team, which is behavior that he exhibits throughout the volume. As the youngest member and the only Faunus on the Ace Ops, this line does a good job of exhibiting that he really wants to fit in with the others, and as such it also doubles as a second peek into the “ask questions later” ideology that the Ace Ops hold as a group. Which is probably something that trickles down from Clover himself, considering he’s the leader. This, also, is fine and works well.

But then....

Clover apologizes again. He doesn’t correct Marrow but doesn’t agree with him either. He doesn’t acknowledge Marrow’s assertions at all. He apologizes to the Teams and this simple act works to reinforce the shift in our perception that he’s possibly more flexible and open to admitting his own mistakes than we might have thought in his episode 1 introduction. And this is the very beginning of the dissonance so many of us felt in his behavior in episode 12.

Suggested Change #1:

My first suggested fix is to change the way that Clover’s second apology is framed by changing his initial apology. Even though he gets cut off by Elm, his first instinct is to apologize for the miscommunication in Mantle. Not only does this tie in so well with one of the primary themes of the volume (miscommunication in all its manifestations), it also indicates that Clover’s character itself is tied to that theme. But his acknowledgment that they probably should have asked some questions immediately frames him as a character who is going to change in terms of that theme. The “we didn’t intend to--” part only adds weight to this hint.

So how could they have fixed this? There are a multitude of possibilities but here is the best I came up with:

>>“I’d like to sincerely apologize for what happened earlier. We were only--”

Do you see the big differences here? Two major things change by altering only a few words. First, in this line, Clover does not acknowledge that he and the Ace Ops made a mistake by not asking questions. He’s still be apologizing for what happened but he's not admitting any fault on his or his team’s part. This would have reaffirmed our initial impression of him as a rigid rule follower, rather than dismantling it a little. Second, the “we were only” would have indicated that, despite his apology, he planned to justify their actions. Again, this would have worked very well to maintain the strict lawful good vibe we get from him initially. These minor alterations would have been subtle enough but strong enough to continue building up to the conflict between him and Qrow in episode 12.

Suggested Change #2:

If you don’t want to change that initial apology, change what he says after Marrow speaks. Have him acknowledge Marrow’s assertions that questions aren’t their thing. You could even have done this through animation with a slight nod or a laugh, but since we’re talking about writing, here is one suggestion:

>>“In our line of work, taking the time to ask questions can sometimes be dangerous. I’m sure you can relate. Regardless, we just wanted to say we’re sorry.”

Again, do you see the difference between this and what we got? What we got brings out the possibility that Clover is somewhat malleable. This, on the other hand, effectively but subtly reinforces his “by the books” mentality, which is exactly what CRWBY needed in order to justify his behavior towards Qrow in episode 12.

I have no suggestions for changes to the lines of the other characters. I think those lines function well in pushing against each other and maintaining a level of tension all around, and they’re necessary for building up to the RWBY vs. Ace Ops conflict. But two very minor and simple changes to Clover’s lines would have continued that initial setup for the episode 12 conflict that was established in episode 1. Instead, CRWBY starts to dissolve it from the get-go.

Problem Tally for this Episode: 1 The biggest problem in this episode is really that Clover’s character immediately starts to shift from “strict inflexible rule follower” to someone who can admit he made a mistake and should probably behave a little differently in the future.

Suggested Changes Tally for this Episode: 2

Episode 3 - Aaaaaand Here We Go

This section is going to be loooong. Not only do we get a lot of Clover in this episode, but we get a ton of him and Qrow together. In other words, we get the first beats of their relationship (again, I won’t be arguing for the shipping aspects, because I’ve done that in other posts and you all know where I stand on that, but their relationship, regardless of its nature, is vital to this analysis).

The first scenes we get in this episode are of Clover briefing Qrow, Jaune, and Ruby about the mission. A lot of it is pretty basic and does a good job of establishing him as an organized, efficient military leader. He’s clearly smart and knowledgable with his strategy.

The first line that really stood out to me in this sequence is the one where he is talking about the Geist:

“But recon has identified a powerful Geist that’s managed to evade destruction and take several lives.”

And this pretty much just serves to establish that lost life is a concern for him. A very good thing to know. It adds a little depth to his character.

After this, we get:

“General Ironwood says you’ve seen your fair share of combat. I trust that man with my life, so tomorrow, I’ll be trusting you all too.”

This is actually a great line for a lot of reasons. First and foremost, it establishes his trust in and bond with Ironwood. It’s a line that gets a lot of emphasis both in delivery and in terms of placement (it comes at the end of his monologue), and it’s one that returns in episode 12 as a sort-of justification for Clover’s actions. This particular line also suggests that his trust in the Teams and Qrow, as of this moment, is dependent upon Ironwood’s opinion of them. He trusts them because Ironwood has vouched for them and not because he has any reasons of his own to do so. This actually works really well and I wouldn’t suggest a change.

The problem in the narrative again comes from what happens outside of this line. The tension suggested here is never carried forward or built upon. In light of this, and because of the direction his relationship with Qrow takes, this line doesn’t work well as a foreshadowing of his actions in episode 12. Rather, its narrative function falls more in line with hinting at the potential for change that was introduced in episode 2. It does do a good job of setting up Clover as the one who is going to have to make a choice between his absolute trust in Ironwood and something else (whether that’s his own judgment or his trust in Qrow or whatever), but because of the writing outside of this line, it completely fails to build up to the events in episode 12 in a way that is convincing. In fact, it does the complete opposite. Because of this line and the way Clover is written in the rest of the volume, we are set up to expect an internal struggle from him in episode 12, not blind obedience.

Moving on to the scene where he and Qrow have their first one-on-one interactions. As you can probably predict, here is where things start to go to absolute shit. Up to this point, CRWBY still had what they needed to pull off episode 12 without it feeling ridiculously contrived. Sure, they played around with Clover’s character a little, gave us enough nuance in his narrative to potentially pique our curiosity, but they hadn’t passed the point of no return yet. Here, however, is where they start to.

Because of that, I’m going to quote large chunks of the script between Qrow and Clover, and pull it apart as best I can. Here is their very first conversation of the entire volume:

Qrow: Gotta say, I’m still not really used to working with other Huntsmen in the field.

Clover: But you were on a team before, weren’t you?

Qrow: (sighs) Long time ago. I just found working alone tends to be for the best.

Clover: Well, I think that’s a shame.

[Qrow slips and nearly falls before Clover catches him.]

So there are actually quite a few things going on here and they all contribute to the overall problem with the writing in this volume.

First of all, despite Qrow’s previously established dislike for the Atlas military in earlier volumes, and despite being arrested by Clover in episode 1, there is zero animosity or negative tension here. He seems more than willing to work with Clover and is even comfortable enough to initiate conversation and open up a bit. There is nothing of plot relevance in this scene. It is solely and specifically meant to give us the first hint of what their relationship is going to be like.

The major problem I have with this, in terms of the overall story that pans out between these two, is that CRWBY already had an inbuilt way to introduce a little negative tension. They could have easily called back to Qrow’s not-so-great opinions about Atlas military huntsmen, even if not overtly, and that would have worked really well as a stepping stone to the episode 12 conflict. But that’s not what we get.

Instead, Qrow opens up about something personal (being alone) and Clover is shown to be sympathetic. Clover’s sympathy here is another major mistake made by CRWBY when we take into account one of Clover’s lines in episode 12. I’m not going to watch it right now to get the exact wording, but it’s something along the lines of “There’s that cynicism of yours”. It’s a line that comes across as cruel and impatient, and it comes out of absolutely nowhere thanks in particular to the exchange above, their interactions later in this episode, and the episode 5 truck scene.

Right here is where CRWBY had the opportunity to at least partially rectify that very specific problem, but it doesn’t happen. We are given no indication that Clover thinks any less of Qrow for this reveal, and are instead given a glimpse at the patience and kindness that he is capable of.

Suggested Change #3:

The easiest way to fix this would have been to remove Clover’s sympathy, or at least insert a little condescension into it. This could have been done without making him an outright ass, and therefore CRWBY would have been able to keep us invested in at least wondering where this is going to go between them while simultaneously giving us one of the hints needed to make episode 12 believable. All it would have taken was altering Clover’s final line in that exchange.

Here are a few possibilities:

>> “Hmm” - delivered in a way that communicates his judgment or at least something noncommital

>> “That doesn’t seem like a good idea.” - critical

>> “That’s a bit much, isn’t it?” - dismissive, condescending

>> “I have a hard time believing that.” - dismissive

>> “Is that right.” - dismissive, condescending

>> He says nothing and it’s up to the animators to communicate his judgment.

Suggested Change #4:

The slightly more difficult change they could have made here would have been utilizing Qrow’s established distaste for authority and the Atlas military in general. Here is one potential way that could have gone:

>> Qrow: Gotta say, I’m still not really used to working with other Huntsmen in the field.

Clover: But you were on a team before, weren’t you?

Qrow: Long time ago. Playing with others isn’t really my thing. I found working alone tends to be for the best.

Clover: Well, I think that’s a shame.

In this case, you could keep Clover’s last line because instead of Qrow opening up and being vulnerable, he’s actually being a bit more antagonistic, which would have been plausible given his behavior towards Winter and James in volume 3. Clover’s line, in this context, becomes much more ambiguous and open to interpretation, which would have fed well into the episode 12 build-up.

Moving on again to their next interaction in the mines right after the Geist escapes:

Clover: Thaks for the call-out. That could have been bad.

Qrow: (sighs) I wouldn’t thank me. My Semblance brings misfortune. Sometimes I can’t keep it under control.

Clover: That so? Well, hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. My Semblance is good fortune. Lucky you, huh?

Again, there is quite a bit going on, not only in these lines but in the lead-up as well, so in order to maintain perspective, I’m going to backtrack just a bit to when Clover caught Qrow after he slipped on the ice. The next major beat in their relationship after that event is Qrow warning Clover to prevent him from getting crushed by a falling beam.

These two things paired so closely together suggest that real trust is starting to develop between them. It’s not trust vouched for by someone else, but the trust that comes from being in a dangerous situation together and coming through for one another. At the bare minimum, the foundation for trust is laid here and with nothing to undermine it (because of the writing thus far), there is no reason for the audience to doubt that it will continue to develop and strengthen.

Then we have the lines above.

Again, Qrow opens up about something deeply personal here. He is showing unusual levels of vulnerability for him, which suggests that even if the audience doesn’t quite understand it, Qrow has found a reason to want to open up to Clover. It points towards an immediate level of comfort that we have never seen from Qrow before and that is something that can’t be ignored.

As for Clover, I suppose we could argue about the nature of his response to Qrow’s vulnerability. I know some saw it as Clover being dismissive of Qrow’s pain, and if that had been how the lines were delivered, this might have worked very well in building up to a conflict between them. This is one instance where we need to step outside the words themselves and take into consideration the aspects surrounding the words: the animation and Chris Wehkamp’s line delivery in particular (which I assume were directions written into the script).

One of the biggest problems here is that this was yet another opportunity for Clover’s impatience with Qrow’s cynicism to be established. And yet again, that’s not what we get. Instead, Clover takes Qrow’s Semblance in stride, reassures him that it’s not something he needs to worry about, and then offers up a comparable piece of information about himself: his Semblance is good fortune. There is no indication in the writing, line delivery, or animation that he finds Qrow’s attitude distasteful or annoying, and there could have been.

The other major problem with this is, again, the nature of Clover’s final line. I promised that I wouldn’t get into the shipping aspect and I won’t, but at the very least I think everyone can agree that the “Lucky you, huh?” quip at the end is intended to be friendly. This is the first time we learn something personal about Clover and it’s also the first time that his behavior towards Qrow shifts from being purely professional to something else. This shift is maintained and built upon throughout the volume and I’ll comment more about it in just a bit.

None of this builds up to what happens in episode 12. CRWBY lays the foundation for a healthy and functional relationship between these two, hints at the beginnings of real trust between them, and completely foregoes all opportunities to insert some of the negative tension that was sorely needed for episode 12 to make sense.

Before making some suggestions for changes, I’d like to take a second to really emphasize this point: prior to these two scenes, the audience has little to no reason to believe that these two are going to get along. Clover is elite Atlas military and Qrow is... well, Qrow. We already knew everything we needed to know about them to make the inclusion of that necessary negative tension ridiculously easy. All CRWBY had to do was play them off one another in a way that leaned on this prior knowledge. This is not only sloppy writing in light of episode 12, but this is also the active and intentional subversion of our expectations where these two characters are concerned. This puts us into a bit of a quandary, really, because how can something be both careless and yet so intentionally done? It’s not a question I’m going to try to answer here but I think it’s one worth keeping in mind as we move forward.

Suggested Change #5:

Remove the friendly/flirty nature of Clover’s final lines and instead write them in such a way that he seems a little more callous and irritated with Qrow’s attitude. Again, he doesn’t need to be such a jerk that we hate him off the bat, but including a little hint of negative emotion would not have been difficult here.

For instance:

>> Clover: That so? Well, don’t worry about it. Luckily, my Semblance is good fortune.

See how different that is? Dismissive, potentially irritated, and it brings the focus on to Clover and his Semblance rather than putting the focus on Qrow and what a good fortune Semblance might mean to him, which is how the original script functions. The very last line that I suggest also serves to put Qrow down a bit in a very subtle way rather than having Clover flirt with/be friendly towards him. It’s basically a “whatever, things will be fine despite the fact you’re here”.

Moving on from this, we get the following:

Clover: Charlie, Bravo, you should be able to cut off the target at the heart of the mine. Qrow and I won’t be far behind.

Again, this line is a relatively small thing all on its own, but in context with the scenes that precede it, there is actually a lot more going on here than might appear at first.

I didn’t quote it, but when Qrow and Clover first land at their assigned mine entrance, Clover refers to himself and Qrow as “Alpha Squad”. Here, that changes to “Qrow and I”.

Not only does this support and reinforce the change in Clover’s attitude toward Qrow with the “Lucky you, huh?” line (going from professional to something else), but Qrow is specifically named. There is not only an inherent intimacy that comes with using a person’s first name, but it’s a very subtle and effective way of framing Clover and Qrow together as a pair. This further feeds into that set-up I was talking about in episode 2 where Clover is presented as the most likely character to change as a result of his association with the Teams/Qrow, particularly in the absence of negative tension and the efforts by the writers to subvert our expectations in that regard.

Do you see where things are starting to stack up in the completely wrong direction? It gets worse in just a minute but first...

How do you fix this? Again, it’s easy. Considering Clover is military and codenames are a thing heavily used, it would have made more sense for him to at least refer to the two of them as “we” or even revert to “alpha squad”.

Suggested Change #6:

Make a slight alteration to Clover’s line so that he reverts to pure military professionalism.

>> Clover: We won’t be far behind.

>> Clover: Alpha squad won’t be far behind.

Pretty simple. Either change works. Even though the shift that comes with “Lucky you, huh” would still have thrown us off a bit, Clover’s return to his norm would have signaled to the audience that the perceived change was fragile at best, and possibly even a complete fluke of Clover’s personality. It also maintains a level of emotional distance between Clover and Qrow that we really did need for episode 12 to work. Instead, CRWBY made the choice to close that distance. Significantly.

Now it gets worse. We go into the scene in the main chamber where Clover and the Ace Ops take down the Geist. The obvious bit of dialogue here that merits attention is Clover’s following line after catching the piece of Dust in reference to the other Ace Ops:

Clover: What would you guys do without me?

I think this line might be one of the most disappointing because it could so easily have foreshadowed Clover’s death. But instead, due to what came just before and what comes after, this line sets up an entirely different conflict. In fact, it does a beautiful job of pretty much cementing Clover as the character who will change the most because of Qrow and the Teams, and who will have to choose between Ironwood and his own moral code. Do I suggest that from here on out, him choosing Qrow over Ironwood was absolutely set in stone? Not at all. In fact, that wouldn’t have made sense for the narrative or Clover’s character. However, Clover’s unflinching blind obedience and immediate willingness to arrest Qrow in episode 12 are completely undermined by this set-up. We expect to see him struggle with that decision, regardless of the ultimate outcome, not turn into a drone who does exactly what he’s told.

Additionally, thanks to the set-up we get throughout the volume for the RWBY vs Ace Ops fight, this line feeds into that tension in particular. The problem here is that the second we see the Ace Ops act to arrest RWBY without hesitation, this tension is resolved and we have our answer. We know exactly what they do without him and all that’s left to see is the unspoken second half of this question: What would Clover do without them?

If I could include an illustration of how far CRWBY was leaning away from foreshadowing Clover’s death and callousness in episode 12 up to this point, we’d have ourselves a goddamn Tower of Pisa.

There is no specific fix here because the problem isn’t with this line itself. It certainly could have functioned to foreshadow Clover’s death, but again, because of the rest of the narrative, that’s not what it ends up doing.

I want to step away from the dialogue for just a moment. I know I said I wouldn’t be focusing on animation, but considering animators take their directions from the script and storyboards, it does technically qualify as writing even if I can’t give you word-for-word what those directions were. There is something in the animation in this particular scene that we can’t ignore.

Clover’s behavior directly following the line above (he tosses the Dust to Qrow, gives him a loose and playful salute, and backward swan dives off the cliff into the pit where the Geist is) is a massive, screaming augmentation of Clover’s shift towards Qrow specifically (i.e. away from strictly professional and towards something else). The “lucky you, huh” line and the use of Qrow’s name right before this pulls us very nicely into this new dynamic.... But this dynamic is exactly the thing that makes episode 12 so outlandishly out of place.

Moving on to the final Qrow/Clover interaction for this episode. After the Geist has been defeated and Ruby makes the day-saving catch, we get this:

Qrow: Lucky catch, huh?

Clover: Hm, no. I’d chalk that one up to talent.

One of my issues with these lines is that they serve to once more highlight the shift that has occurred between Qrow and Clover, particularly because it gives us some invaluable insight on Qrow’s feelings towards Clover’s Semblance. Here is another area where the light-hearted delivery Jason Liebrecht (Qrow’s VA) gave factors in a bit. A lot of us had no idea how Qrow was going to react to learning that someone else had a Semblance opposite to his own. He could very easily have been upset or resentful or even self-effacing, but instead, he absorbs the information, takes it in stride, and proceeds to joke about it in a way that I just realized mirrors Clover’s “Lucky you, huh?” line. This is basically Qrow shifting seamlessly into their new dynamic and accepting it.

The other major problem here is, once again, Clover’s characterization. This has all been building up pretty badly to episode 12, as I hope I’ve illustrated, but this final exchange is really the last good chance CRWBY had to pull things back on track a bit. Only they don’t take it. They could have had Clover display a bit of arrogance or dismissiveness in this scene. It would have worked well to at least let us know that the personality he has displayed so far might be more of a front than anything, and if done right, his coldness toward Qrow in episode 12 wouldn’t have been totally unexpected. Instead, we get to see a man who gives credit where it’s due and absolutely believes that his Semblance is not everything. In other words, we get a Clover who is drastically different from the person depicted in episode 12.

Suggested Change #7:

Change Clover’s final line to clue the audience into the fact that he is not what he seems and hint at a darker personality lurking under the surface. Here are a couple of options

>> Clover: It was.

>> Clover: That’s one way to put it.

Problem Tally for this Episode: 14

Further set-up (at least 2 major instances) for Clover to be the one who changes or at least struggles with having to choose between Ironwood and Qrow/disobeying orders. Multiple instances (3 significant by my count) where Clover’s characterization fails to match what we get in episode 12. A failure to lean into the pre-established negative tension between Clover and Qrow by virtue of who they are. An active subversion of the expectations that could have easily supported that negative tension. The shift in Qrow and Clover’s relationship which is never recanted in any way, followed by no less than 4 instances of reinforcement. The beginning of the closing emotional distance between Clover and Qrow. A line that could potentially have acted as foreshadowing undermined by what comes before and after it.

Suggested Changes Tally for this Episode: 5

Total Problems so Far: 15.5

Total Suggested Changes: 7

Do you see where all the little, tiny things are starting to add up? And do you also see where only a few small changes could have been implemented to make episode 12 something that didn’t hit the audience like a freight train? The thing is, not all of these changes would have been necessary. A few of them would have sufficed.

I hope this has been helpful in shedding some light on a portion of the reason why people are so upset by what happened in episode 12. I’m going to continue this analysis as soon as I can, with the next part covering episodes 4-6. With school and everything I’m not certain how soon it will be out, but look for it sometime over the weekend or at the beginning of next week.

#clover deserved better #fair game #clover ebi #qrow branwen #rwby #rwby7 #rwby critique #what went wrong in the writing #blog series

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imuybemovoko · 4 years

Text

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything.

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.)

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later.

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open.

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.”

There was no answer.

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute.

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was...

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes.

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited.

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points.

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places.

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed.

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

#ex christian #spirituality #politics

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downspiral · 5 years

Text

* / BPD ( borderline personality damon )

lil talk about damon’s behaviour, emotional patterns and mental health! i’m categorising this as a headcanon for simplicity’s sake but this is all based on canon material, whether unintentional or not i do genuinely think he has it in canon and will sort of be elaborating on why that’s clear to me. as a disclaimer none of this is meant to excuse any of his behaviour and hopefully it won’t come off that way either, but bpd and its associated stigma is a personal topic to me, so please go in with sympathy and an open mind. under the cut bc this could get lengthy!

so to start off with i’ll just briefly explain borderline personality disorder (BPD) for people unfamiliar with it— it’s a mood disorder that has many associated symptoms with various mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, as well as substance issues, eating disorders and other personality disorders eg. antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder. it’s classed by four groups of symptoms:

emotional instability

disturbed patterns of thinking or perception

impulsive behaviour

intense but unstable relationships with others

( obviously this definition is too broad for any specific diagnosis, since everyone is different, and can’t be used alone to diagnose someone without ruling out other disorders and subjective opinion of a professional who knows enough about your behaviours to make an assessment, so from here on out i’m going to be drawing on my own experiences, and hopefully i’ll be able to articulate it in a way that makes sense, but please let me know if it doesn’t. )

***

the first and most glaringly obvious identifiers of this where damon is concerned in my opinion is a), his tendency to spiral very suddenly and abruptly after even minor triggers, such as failure, rejection or even just feeling insulted by someone he cares about, and b) his frequent impulsive behaviour, and what might be termed a lack of self-control in following those impulses - the first examples that come to mind would be his leaving for a road trip with katherine despite hating her, or killing jeremy because he was the first person he saw after feeling rejected by elena - and as he later admitted honestly, not knowing that it wouldn’t be permanent.

so starting with a), his irrational spiralling — i’ll preface this by saying that in my own experience, my initial diagnosis where my therapist suggested BPD as a possibility was immediately after i told her that i felt my emotions were just more severe than most people’s, which is why i always felt i was overreacting to things, both bad and good, alternating with feelings of extreme numbness and dissociation which would follow immediately after as a coping method. bouncing between extremes of emotion is also something we see damon do constantly; not regarding the humanity switch detail and focusing solely on his ‘humanity-on’ behaviour, we still see him go between extremely cold, numb and uncaring (albeit often this is hidden behind deflection and humor) to deeply hurt, loving, and willing to make huge sacrifices for causes or for people.

this is also a little muddled by the in-world lore of vampires having very heightened emotions. if you consider that damon already had BPD while a human, which is highly plausible given what we see of the decisions he made even then, then it follows that as a vampire those already-dysfunctional behaviours would be driven to extremes. this isn’t only obvious to the person watching; other characters comment on it constantly, e.g. almost any time katherine shows up, everyone immediately starts worrying if damon’s going to snap, having learned that the tiniest of things can send him into extreme behaviour, harmful to both himself - picking a fight with julian out in the open, described as having a death wish, and various suicide missions - and other people - e.g. attempting to kill jeremy and bonnie, despite it being abundantly clear that those two murders would make everything worse for him, and logically, make no sense, and serve no benefit to him. they were not thought-out decisions, not premeditated, and not something he would do in a sound state of mind, which is part of why they’re so painful to watch - they’re stupid, unjustified decisions, and seem irrational and disproportionate to whatever triggered him to make them. this also falls into the category of ‘lashing out’, something damon is frequently noted to do - often in the form of destroying or severing relationships, which may be done via simple purposeful negative interaction with someone, or doing more, genuine harm so that those relationships are ended regardless.

this ties in both with the impulsive behaviour aspect, but also a comment elena once made which struck a huge chord with me as an identifier of BPD - she said he felt that everyone hated him, and in an attempt to face those perceptions or correct them as someone of sound mind would do, he instead tries to come to terms with the pain of that by making himself believe that they were right - ‘proving’ both to others and to himself that they were right to hate him, via doing bad things. while this particular incident was partially due to enzo’s influence and damon seeking approval from the only person he felt he could still get it from, he still had the agency to make that decision, and this wasn’t the only time where that behavioural pattern could be observed.

the depth to which those thought processes go can sort of be seen when you consider season 8, where enzo and damon were both under the mind control of a siren, leaving only their subconscious with free will to resist. enzo’s instinct was to try and weave messages into the things that the siren had him do, knowing that bonnie would recognise them and be able to save him from doing more harm. on the other hand, damon’s instinct was to sever those relationships so completely that none of them would ever attempt to save him again, thus keeping them, in his eyes, out of harm’s way.

i don’t wanna make this so long it’s unreadable so i’ll try and end it with this last point, which is that another symptom of BPD is latching on to one particular person - whoever might feel most significant to them at the time, whether a friend or romantic interest, though often those feelings can combine and become confused when that emotional connection is made (most obvious example being elena, who damon had a relatively good and stable friendship with, that seemingly functioned fine as it was, yet progressed into romance anyway and became destructive). when that said person is found, the intensity of your emotion leads to a usually unhealthy amount of attachment on your part - often leading to possessive, manipulative or even emotionally abusive elements of relationships that more often than not become toxic. this person becomes the sole way that you feel validation/love/approval/happiness, any good emotion at all - in a way, your brain compensates for previous and more significant traumas, e.g. parental abuse/neglect, by channelling all this emotion into the nearest outlet of love and acceptance you can find. as a result even the tiniest fraction of attention or approval from that person can completely brighten your mental state for weeks, while the tiniest perception of disapproval or neglect from them - note perception, this could be something as miniscule as a misunderstanding, a tone being read wrong in a text, a genuine mistake being interpreted as a deliberate attempt to separate - can be enough to drive you to suicidal ideation.

obviously, whether it’s known to them or not, all this puts an unrealistic amount of expectation on the other person - one individual cannot possibly be responsible for the entire mental state of another, and will often - quite rightly - lead to the decision to end the relationship out of self-preservation. this is observed very frequently with damon’s close relationships; at some point, most of the people he’s been closest to have, with some degree of regret, been forced to write him off, because he puts too much strain on their own mental state. without significant effort to change on the part of the disordered person, sadly, this situation doesn’t usually have a resolution, because one’s own mental health is never the sole responsibility of others. it’s worth saying that most of these behaviours are done unintentionally and instinctively, as what seems the first logical conclusion in a brain that has been wired - physically, neurons and pathways in the brain have been grown by trauma that leads to those paths becoming the ‘right’ ones, rather than the healthy alternatives, which is usually what therapy’s end goal is - minimising the disordered pathways while reinforcing the positive ones, via practice of healthy behaviours and identifying bad thought processes so they can be stopped with the hope that those ones will take priority eventually. that being said, decisions that are motivated by and followed by, self-hatred, doesn’t excuse them from the harm they may cause other people. and it’s not fair - none of it is, because immediately what that situation seems to become is, ‘i didn’t ask to be this way, i don’t want to be harmful, but because i have been traumatised this is how i turned out, and now if i want healthy and good relationships, i have to work twice as hard against all my natural instincts just to ensure i come off as a person worth caring about’.

this is getting a little off-topic, but to say - there is a stigma about BPD, often associated with emotional abuse and manipulation, and it’s too complex a topic to sum up in one paragraph, but the gist of it is that sadly in my experience there is truth to it. i feel as though my disorder increases the likelihood of me being harmful, which means i have to work twice as hard to stop it - things that seem like common sense, basic decency, human logic that comes naturally and as first instinct to many, have to be actively strived for by people with this particular disorder. so while failing to do so may happen more for those people, and thus lead to them coming off as a worse person, there is some explanation as to why - and of course that doesn’t mean excusing that behaviour, never! but, there is a grey area between ‘excusing and enabling unhealthy behaviour’ and ‘your disability grants you no leeway whatsoever’. there is a middle ground and it’s hard to find the right place to walk it, and probably differs for everyone, but for me that’s why damon is relatable, and why i think i have more tolerance for things that he’s done.

i’ll just end this by saying that this is all one person’s experience of bpd and what i’ve observed from a few others i’ve known. i don’t speak for everyone with bpd, it’s not my call to make, mental disorder is overwhelmingly complex and hotly debated even in medical circles. but all that being said, i have recognised a lot of my own emotional experiences in damon’s and how the characters around him react to it (without the murder, obviously) and to me it is slightly more complex than ‘this is a shitty person’. thank you for reading all this if you did, it’s kind of hard to talk about, but hopefully for some this adds a little more insight into my portrayal and attachment to the character.

#I WAS. WORKING ON REPLIES I HAVE A FEW HALF DONE BUT thinking abt therapy got me thinking abt this so. i'm dumping this out first #apologies. but *points at him* he's got bpd #you've ruined a perfectly good vampire is what you did look at him hes g #sorry. anyway #HEADCANON.#CHARADEV.#i'm saying headcanon but this is literally his canon portrayal and as a person with bpd i'm diagnosing him so there. periodt #right. adding this tag after i just finished writing this thing. sorry it got long and now i'm emo shun al so i'm gonna go do replies #watch no one read this. it's fine

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soulvomit · 5 years

Text

Growing up, and pretty much all the way up into my mid 30s, I used to be able to tune other people out.

I had my team of go-to people: what my ex referred to as my "nodding yes-men and sycophants."

My ex was an asshole, but he wasn't exactly wrong. Yes, I was pretty bubbled up, and it's a suckful dynamic when nothing you say about your hurt ever penetrates another person's thick skull, because their support is iron-clad and the whole world will take their side. You can't win.

This team consisted of my friends and family. Even as an isolated child who was often different from the other kids, my parents pretty much raised me to shrug it off: "you're smarter than them. You'll grow up and meet people like you."

They tried to do everything they could to smoothe things over for me and eventually had some ability to do so, so even though I didn't get along with neighborhood kids or schoolmates, I had other places where I *did* fit in better. So I was roughly able to shield myself from the opinions of the neighborhood, which didn't at all - as a whole - like us as a family.

And later, since I had my own friends and my own world that I could navigate, the opinions of people outside of my world, didn't matter that much to me. They could fuck right off, it rolled off of me like water off a duck's back.

That came to an end at some point. My ex was resentful toward me and there were a lot of privilege dynamics as part of that resentment. My bit of narcissism, about which he pointed out: "you don't ever NEED to change, you can just go running back to your yes-men, and I can never win."

Some of this was about bad things; there were superior, snitty attitudes I didn't even realize I had, until years after age, emotional trauma, illness, joblessness, a spell of poverty, and severe depression had set in and it hit home that I wasn't actually any better than any other person alive.

I still had my friends but now I was dependent on others in ways I had never been, and dependent upon the approval of others in ways I had never been.

But there's something else. I used to be able to shield myself from the negativity and pessimism of other people. There's an empathy impairment aspect to this of course, where I was actually holding a lot of people at arm's length.

But I also mean a common thing where people are feeling bad about their own prospects and nothing has worked for them so they don't think it could work for anyone else, either. There's definitely a crab bucket dynamic in that. It's real. It's a big reason why people who want to move into a healthier space in their lives often have to swap crowds to do it. There are some people in my life that I can barely interact with because of the depression and hopelessness triggers involved.

Before, I was aware of this general negativity as a low lying fog all around me, but I was able to hole up in my crowd of people and avoid a lot of it and keep myself pointed forward.

But now, more people are gloomy than ever, for real reasons. It's not just ~bEiNg nEgAtiVe.~ We're all shit-scared. Being from middle class families and even doing better earlier in life hasn't shielded most of the people I know, we're desperately frightened. My day to day life isn't one of optimism anymore, it's one of counting my blessings every day my loved ones are still alive.

The thing is that because of social media, though, I can't even take a break from the thick fog of negativity. Can't get away from it.

In the 80s, 90s, 00s, I just did what positivity culture had raised me to do, I only associated with other Polyannas who reinforced my worldview. In retrospect, I didn't feel any responsibility for taking in anyone else's pain.

There really is a lot of 80s aspirational thinking and 80s anti-neediness psychology with which I was heavily reared, that this comes from, it was all around me and how I was trained to interact.

But things have changed. Now you have to be aware of other people's thoughts and what they might think of your thoughts, 24/7. Now we have lots of discourse around Narcissism Culture.

Still and all, though, when I'm depressed, and trying to motivate myself, the last thing I need sometimes is to hear that I may as well lay down and die, which is what the thick fog of pessimism all around does to me. And then there's the element of shaming if I don't take on the pain of the world at every moment.

BBSs and then forums, gave me a support bubble that insulated me in my own protected social world. (The dynamic of thought-cults, admittedly.) I was almost bulletproof against other people's judgements relative to now: the only opinions that mattered were those of my family, immediate friends, and professional network.

But social media has made me hyper-available to others and now there's also a heavy culture of shame for not suffering together and not weeping over every world issue every moment of every day.

In the 80s and 90s there was a broad zeitgeist where you weren't as *required* to offer yourself up for critique by a huge group of people.

It's a heavily gendered problem, too. Many of my male friends are much more positive than all but the most secure of my female ones; I feel that the women my age who aren't professionals, aren't heiresses, and didn't marry well, are in a pickle as of the last decade. Many are running to stand still in their careers. The men in their same professions made more money all along and were able to set up more future security for themselves. The message I get from many of the women is that it's too late for them, so it's also too late for me, don't even bother, just... do what, exactly? Lay down and die or something? They don't know for themselves, and they don't know for me, either.

I need to shut myself off from a lot of this because it triggers suicidal ideation if I'm already in a bad place in my head. But I also know that nowadays if you're not hyper-available all the time and also hyper-vulnerable and perpetually debasing yourself, you're some kind of an asshole or something.

Before, the availability was to a couple of my closest people, and that was normal. Anything more than that would actually have been looked upon weirdly in 80s/90s boundaries discourse.

We're not *allowed* to have boundaries anymore.

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serenagaywaterford · 5 years

Note

Thank you so much for answering.. I wish I could give you a hug. The truth is this woman loves me and cares about me, but would never be in love with me, you know? I know you are going to think I am damaged after telling you this, but she was my prof. in high-school and helped me through tough times. She is a good person. My parents hate her cos we used to meet in secret and talk about their divorce. They say she gossiped about it, but she denies that. I have No idea who is telling the truth.

And you know, I tried so hard to get over her these years and I failed. And I am probably wrong, but in my mind, the fact that I still love her like that shows that She is the one, the love of my life. And I am religious too, and that does not help with the guilt at all. I am grateful for your message. Thank you for taking the time to write to me, I feel like you get me and you make this less lonely and painful, so thank you. You are the best and your loved ones are super lucky to have you. xx

��

Oh, bb. I wish I could hug you and sit you down next to me and help you through this cos I hate to say this but all of this raises so many red flags. There is so much to be wary of here, just for your own well-being and happiness.

She cares and loves you as an adult loves a child, and hopefully that is all. She has no romantic interest and she never will. I am no psychologist but I think what’s happened here is something akin to transference. It happens a lot in therapy, where the client develops misplaced romantic attachment to the therapist because they’ve been open and vulnerable and the therapist is a confidant and cares. It also is common in schools, to the point that teachers are directly taught about it and attachment with children [x]. I don’t think you’re damaged at all, as it is a fairly common occurrence, but I do think you were missing something in your other relationships and you latched onto this woman because she cared, and was kind, and you felt safe. That is not a bad thing to feel cared for and you’re not wrong for seeking it. We all need that.

However, that developed into misplaced romantic love on your part (I’m unclear if it’s also sexual, and it’s not my place to ask. I don’t even know your age so let’s just leave that whole area alone). Children falling in love/infatuation with teachers is nothing new. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, but just something is misfiring somewhere and it hasn’t been addressed.

I really need you to recognise you were a child when the infatuation began. You may seem and feel like you’re an adult, even at 17, but you’re not. Especially not compared to a teacher – who is not only in a position of authority over you, but also has huge power imbalances in other ways. Student-teacher boundaries are always a debate (like this one), but I think most people generally know where they fall:

“Being too familiar with one’s students can (and often does) lead to the blurring of lines in terms of teacher-student boundaries. According to Joe Jamieson, Professional Affairs Co-ordinator at the Ontario College of Teachers, a teacher is always at risk of developing dual relationships with his/her students. Dual relationships cause confusion in terms of a teacher’s role, not only for the student but for the teacher as well, as it fosters such phenomena as transference and counter-transference.

Transference: when a teacher allows for an inappropriate relationship to develop with a student because the student perceives the teacher as something other than a teacher.

Jamieson illustrates this occurrence with a succinct and effective example:If a teacher is aware that a student from a one-parent family is struggling to connect with a mother figure, it would be inappropriate for the teacher to begin to take on that role in the student’s life, even though the student may be transferring that role to the teacher.

Counter-transference: If the teacher responds to the transference of the student (for example begins to parent the pupil in question) allowing for inappropriate behaviours and role associations to develop, counter-transference is then in play as the teacher has subscribed to the transference of the student and participates in the transferred role.

If left unchecked, it could develop into the teacher making lunches for the student, scheduling and attending medical appointments or lead to intimate conversations and/or intimate encounters.”

Not to mention the fact she is straight, much older, and married. Even if you’re 25 now, whatever pathways were built back then have just been reinforced over and over until now you think she’s the love of your life.

She’s not. She can’t be. Please, please understand she can’t be.

What is worrisome is that she continues this relationship with you, even years later. Does she know about your feelings? If so, I would really question why an adult woman feels compelled to continue fostering such harmful delusions in somebody she claims to care about. That isn’t love or care. There is something wrong with her if she knows about your feelings and yet continues on as if there is no problem. This is a problem. As an adult, she should be the one encouraging you to find people you own age to bond with, she should be slowly disconnecting herself from you for your sake. If she isn’t, there is something super sketchy with her and it’s definitely not healthy for you.

Now…

Things like “we used to meet in secret” are really disturbing to read. There is literally no reason a teacher meeting with a student, even for personal emotional support should be a secret. I have confided in teachers as well, and never has it felt like “a secret”. I mean, that is essentially precisely what guidance counsellors are for in schools. It is perfectly legal and okay for an adult to offer guidance and support to a student who is struggling, even with home issues. But concepts such as “meeting in secret” mean that some line is being crossed that shouldn’t be. The very reason boundaries exist in student/teacher relationships is precisely to avoid the sort of thing you are currently experiencing. As adults, it is a teacher’s responsibility to maintain a certain distance from students and not allow children to become too attached, especially in such a destructive and unhealthy way as this woman has allowed.

She is a bad teacher. I know you probably don’t want to hear anything negative about her, and anything I say will be met with skepticism and denial. I know. I’ve been there. We never want to hear those things about the people we think we love, and that we believe love us. But, hun, it has happened a million times before and it’ll happen another million times. You’re not broken or stupid or anything bad for feeling this but you do need to disconnect from this woman for your own sake. Even if you are in love with her. Even if she loves you. You must sever those ties, immediately.

If it is meant to be, a few years down the road maybe something will put you two in each other’s orbits again–AS FRIENDS. But right now you’re incredibly vulnerable and she is a borderline predator.

I will say I am entirely biased because I think it is absolutely impossible for a teacher and student to have a healthy, equal relationship. Ever. Even an ex-student and ex-teacher. It’s romanticised a lot in fiction but it is really damaging and really toxic in reality. There are NO circumstances ever where an adult in a position of authority and respect should be fostering romantic delusions or ignoring the obvious transference in a child–for whatever strange reason they may have. (I can’t comment on why this straight, married woman has taken such an interest in you but I have a few ideas. Some are fairly innocuous for the most part, some are sinister, and the fact is there is literally no way to tell which it is. All I know for certain is that it is not healthy, for either of you.)

Whether or not she did gossip about your parent’s divorce is pretty irrelevant, to be honest. Chances are she did, because adults talk amongst each other, especially married couples. But you will really never know how gossip spreads cos anybody can do it. I would guess your parents are pissed off about that, but there’s more to it. I think that is merely the reason they gave you cos it’s easiest, and they thought it would work to convince you she’s bad. I don’t know your parents but if they even have an inkling about what’s going on between you two, I think they’re scared for you. (But I’d suspect their own issues are preventing them from talking to you about it directly, honestly, calmly, and without judgement against you.)

“the fact that I still love her like that shows that She is the one, the love of my life.“

BB, I mean this in the kindest way possible: you are wrong about this. I think deep down you know this too, and that’s why you have doubts and you’re miserable about it. She is NOT the one. She will not be the love of your life. (IMO, there is no such thing as the ONE. There may only be one but there may be many, all just as important and wonderful, in different ways.) Love requires two people invested in it to be truly real, it’s reciprocal. Because true love is a back-and-forth, it’s sharing of trust and passion and affection and commitment. From the sounds of this, you’re missing 2, probably 3–if not all of these.

The One for you will love you back, in more than just a “teacher” or even friend sort of way. I know it’s been very difficult all these years because not only did this begin when you were incredibly emotionally vulnerable and immature, but the constant reinforcement over the years has made your brain believe things that just aren’t true. You’ve conditioned yourself to believe this. This was transference, that turned into a schoolgirl crush (we all get them!), that was then unhealthily (intentionally or not) encouraged by an adult.And I don’t know how much of an active role she’s played in this too. It worries me if she does know your feelings and yet continues. It worries me even moreso that this involved “secret meetings” because that is very, very wrong for a teacher to do. In any other context, this would be considered grooming. In fact, I’m not convinced it’s not grooming, of some sort. Even if she’s never done anything sexual and has no sexual interest, this ticks off a lot of the boxes for grooming children. Again, though, without knowing all the details, it’s hard to tell for sure.

In the simplest case, it’s transference of some sort. Worst case, this woman is a predator. Either way, it’s toxic and harmful to you as a person, especially someone who is lonely and unhappy and already living in a way that forces you to hide your true self. You deserve to be happy and this is not the path to it.

I’m just going to paste this here:

“As teachers, our students put us in a position of trust, and sometimes misdirected transference can occur. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to paint ourselves as ordinary humans, our students may project qualities on us that may or may not be true. Some students may even place us on a pedestal. While this can happen with regular, local teachers, it is even more likely to happen with well-known ones.

There are good reasons that professionals such as doctors, psychiatrists and professors practice within ethical restraints regarding relationships with clients. The relationship between a person in a position of authority and the person over whom they have authority is not an even one. The power differential between teacher and student gives teachers greater influence and persuasive power over students, and can cause students to trust a teacher’s motives and actions implicitly whether or not such trust is deserved.

When a famous, charismatic teacher singles out a student, that student is likely to feel special and perhaps further advanced along the path than her peers. It feels good to be singled out, so in order to maintain this elevated position, a student may feel that she must follow whatever instructions or practices the teacher prescribes. In addition, inherent in practice is the idea that in order to find freedom, one must surrender to the practice and to the teachings—and sometimes, to the teacher. The student may feel—or be made to feel—that setting boundaries will hinder her growth. Therefore, it is incumbent upon the teacher to set healthy boundaries.

On the teacher’s side, admiration and praise feel good. We all want to know that we are inspiring and uplifting our students’ lives in some way. When a community of admiring students reaches worldwide proportions, it becomes easy for the teacher to inflate his/her sense of importance. Fame does not have to distort our understanding of ourselves. There are many world-renowned teachers who have remained humble in the face of fame. But when it does, an inflated sense of importance can make it easier to rationalize unskillful, even harmful, behavior.” [x]

A bit more here.

Yes, this is about yoga but it’s applicable to elsewhere. It is not your fault at all that you’ve been swept up in all this. You were a child, in an emotional and vulnerable time of your life, and whilst she may have thought she was helping at first, she should have known better. She never should have let it get this far. It’s 100% on her, not you. You may not be a child anymore, and it’s been years since this all went down but it’s been reinforced over and over, until it seems like your world has tunnelled down to only her who knows you. The world is so much bigger than her and you deserve to see all of it.

I really don’t like telling people they are victims, so I won’t. I’ll just say that you need to look out for yourself first and that means disconnecting from her to find yourself. Letting go of someone you love can be the hardest thing ever. And it will be awful for a while. But sometimes it’s necessary.

I hope you feel open talking to others, even online, besides her about your feelings. I really feel you need to move away from her and find others who share your experiences, especially of being lesbian in a conservative family/town. You are not alone. There are 100s of women to talk to who aren’t your straight, old, married teacher. So many of us have struggled with similar issues and we are all here for you to speak with.

Please don’t feel that this married teacher is the only person who will ever understand you and the only person you’ll ever feel that deep connection towards. There will be others, I promise you. That new person may just pop out of nowhere, like mine did, when you don’t even expect it at all.

As a note: There is nothing wrong with seeking advice and comfort from older women, by the way. I often have and do. There is nothing wrong with friendships with them either. I also don’t think kids cannot have adult mentors or friends. There’s not a problem with friendships with straight, older, married women. As long as the boundaries are clear. You do need friends and lovers that are your own age, even if they seem hard to find.

I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to take away your only love, or anything. I just don’t think this is ever going to end up anywhere good for you. And in the long run, it’s just going to hurt you far more than whatever comforts you are finding in it right now. It concerns me that you’ve almost built your whole life/idea of romance around this singular woman that will never love you back the way you need and deserve, and who may, possibly, be a predator of some sort. You need friends and support, but not from her. She can be an acquaintance perhaps but you need to connect with people your own age and who aren’t married and are gay/lesbian/bi, especially in conservative communities.

I am always here to vent at, and there are so many other girls and women on this site who are compassionate and patient and kind, who probably have even better insights than I do. I’m sure some of them have experienced similar situations as you have. Just remember, you’re not alone, you’re not unlovable, you deserve better than what you’ve allowed yourself, you can be happy, and you’re not bad or wrong. You’re just struggling right now but eventually you won’t have to anymore and it’ll be the best thing ever when you get there. I know you will. xx

#Anonymous #i don't even know you and i know you're worth more than you're getting #much love #i am sorry i wrote an essay

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hello-thefatlosshabit-blr · 6 years

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“First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits, or they’ll eventually conquer you.” – Rob Gilbert

This week’s challenge is to identify ONE bad habit and replace it. Everyone has bad habits because we are both emotional and logical beings. Bad habits exist because we rationalize the behavior with fallacious logic. For example, a person that is drowning in debt will rationalize another purchase they cannot afford with the old standby, “what the hell, I’ll never get out of debt anyway.”

Somehow this logic makes sense to us, but could you imagine Spock from Star Trek saying that, or even budgeting expert Dave Ramsey saying it? Of course not. That is the erroneous logic that created this person’s crisis in the first place. Most crises are an accumulation of bad decisions. Rarely is it one gigantic error in judgment.Most crises in our life are the result of bad habits. Repeating the same bad decisions until their effects can no longer be dismissed or ignored. The results of bad habits aren’t immediate, so we don’t equate them with the future disaster they will bring about. Habits, good or bad, compound over time; that is why they shape our lives. “Men’s natures are alike; it is their habits that separate them.” Confucius

Bad habits are easy to form if you aren’t mindful of your decisions and patterns of behavior. At the most fundamental level, PAIN and PLEASURE are the two forces that steer our decisions. Every motive can be boiled down as an effort to avoid pain or seek pleasure. Our desire to avoid pain is powerful, even more, powerful than our desire to seek pleasure because it is more closely linked to our survival.

Knowing our desire to avoid pain is greater than our desire to seek pleasure can help us to break a bad habit. The reason bad habits form and persist is that we are linking the behavior to the PLEASURE it provides, and not the PAIN of its long-term consequences. Creating a strong linkage of pain with the behavior can help you to end the bad habit.

Negative is natural. It isn’t good, but it is normal. Weeds don’t have to be nurtured. In the absence of light, there is darkness. In the absence of diligence, neglect will pervade. Bad habits form naturally, without any effort. The linkages of pleasure to the behavior form unconsciously.

Diligence isn’t required to link eating a piece of cheesecake to the delight it brings to our taste buds. We don’t have to try to link pleasure to purchase a new tech toy we cannot afford. No, these linkages form naturally. They aren’t good, but they sure feel good, and they are so easy to do.

Interrupting a bad habit requires us to change our opinion of it. We must see it as a problem. We have to link it to the pain it is causing us. We are logical beings. We don’t like when our behaviors and attitudes are misaligned. It causes us emotional distress. The mental state of having inconsistent attitudes and behaviors is called cognitive dissonance.

Our minds seek to reduce the conflict and minimize our discomfort. We have three options for minimizing this conflict between our attitudes and behaviors. The first is to change our attitude. The second is to change our behavior. The third and most effective method is to change both.

Bad habits are natural. They are easy to form, and they usually don’t produce any immediate ill effects. It is easier to change our attitude toward a bad habit than to change our behavior because it doesn’t require any sacrifice. It allows us to continue to indulge in the instant gratification it produces. No sacrifice is required. All that is required to continue the behavior is a flawed rationalization to ourselves; a flimsy excuse.

A lazy worker will excuse their poor performance by saying, they don’t pay me enough to work that hard. They will do just enough to avoid getting fired. They will think themselves clever for getting the most benefit from the least amount of effort. This poor attitude will produce poor results over the course of their career. This poor attitude is born from a lack of gratitude.

Obviously, breaking a bad habit requires us to change our behavior, but we can make the process easier by also changing our attitude towards it. If we can linkPAINto the behavior, it will not feel like a sacrifice. The stronger we can link the harmful effects it’s having on our lives, the easier it will be to give up.

In the example I have provided, the worker could more easily change his behavior by changing his attitude toward doing the minimum. If he associated his poor attitude to poor results, he could more easily improve his attitude. If he equated doing the least amount of work with poor economic results, it would help him change his behavior. The key is linking the long-term effects with the behavior, instead of the immediate gratification. “Do more than you are being paid to do, and you’ll eventually be paid more for what you do.” Zig Ziglar

When we neglect to exert control over the linkages between our actions and outcomes, which are constantly being formed, we allow them to form on their own, at the subconscious level. At that cognitive level, the linkages are always made based on the immediate results they produce, and not the long-term results produced.

Our greatest gift as human beings is our ability to link long-term results to our short-term behaviors. When we fail to make these connections, we are not operating at the highest level of our existence. We are essentially operating at the same level as the animals.

Bad habits are natural. That is why everyone has a few. In the absence of diligence, the weeds move it and take over, but weeds cannot stand up to diligence. The longer the weeds grow, the deeper their roots will be, more determined we must be to rip them out, roots and all. If we don’t change our attitude toward the behavior, it is like leaving the roots under the surface to grow again once we let our guard down.

We must see that bad habit as the problem it really is. In this example, he must make the linkage of pain to that bad attitude as strong as possible. Lasting change requires that we change not only our behavior but our attitude toward the old behavior. In this example, he must equate minimal effort to holding his career back and hurting his family’s long-term economic prosperity. To reinforce the new behavior of doing more than he is paid for, he needs to equate it to new opportunities to advance his career. He must believe a better attitude will produce better results.

Bad habits and bad attitudes are normal. They aren’t beneficial, but they are normal. Cultivating a great attitude and productive habits require discipline and effort. They don’t happen by accident; progress is always intentional. Great achievements are never accidental. They are the results of diligent effort over time.

On the weekends, I typically indulge in a drink or two, but a year ago I developed the habit of drinking every night. It began with me having a drink after a particularly long stressful day at work, then it progressed to an everyday occurrence. What was once a weekend ritual became a nightly one.

HABIT LOOP

Clock image by The Clear Communication

At the core of all habits is a neurological loop consisting of three components: a CUE, a ROUTINE, and a REWARD. The cue, in this case, was me arriving home after work, tired and stressed. The routine was drinking a cold refreshing alcoholic beverage. The reward was a sense of relaxation.

When you are trying to break a bad habit, it is always a great idea to let supportive friends and family know what you are trying to do. Not only will they provide a layer of accountability and encouragement, often they can help you formulate a plan. We lack objectivity when we are solving our own problems.

My beautiful wife asked me why I drank. I told her that it helped me to relax and I enjoyed the cold refreshing beverage after a long day. She suggested that I substitute the alcoholic beverage for some Topo Chico with a slice of lime. The calorie-free mineral water would give me the sensation I was craving without the unwanted alcohol and empty calories. An additional benefit was waking hydrated, instead of slightly dehydrated from the previous night’s drinking.

Substitution is a very effective way of breaking a bad habit. Typically, the cue, in this example, me arriving home isn’t something we can change, but my routine can be. We cannot always control the cues and events in our lives, but we can always decide what they mean and how we will react to them.

The most effective substitutions are those that provide similar rewards. In this example, the Topo Chico provided a cool refreshing sensation that helped me to unwind after a stressful day of responding to the numerous demands of my job. If you don’t have someone to help you solve your problem, I recommend you brainstorm on a piece of paper. Jot down the cue, routine, and reward associated with the bad habit. Then determine what new routine can provide some of the same benefits that the bad behavior provided.

Another technique you can use is shaping your environment. In this example, eliminating alcohol from our home would have eliminated the temptation of drinking. I didn’t choose that option, but I did shape my environment by ensuring I always had lime and a couple of cold bottles of Topo Chico in the refrigerator.

Perhaps you want to replace the habit of staying up late watchingTVwith nightly reading. You could shape your environment by setting-up an ideal area to readin. Ensuring that you always have a great book, adequate lighting, a bookmarker, a highlighter, and your journal to capture your notes in would foster the new behavior.

With a little imagination, you should be able to figure out how you can interrupt a bad habit and replace it with a good one. It isn’t difficult, but it does require effort and diligence. It is easy to do, but what is easy to do is even easier to neglect. Neglect is normal. Bad habits are normal. Success isn’t common. Jim Rohn like to say “success is doing what the failures won’t do.”

Reading this can potentially change your life, but knowledge isn’t power. Knowledge is potential power. Application of knowledge is power. Execution produces results. Ideation without execution is the beginning of delusion. Reading a great self-improvement book won’t change your life, but repeatedly applying what you have learned until you do it naturally will.

Thus far I have provided you with the tools, the mechanics of breaking a bad habit, but I haven’t addressed the Elephant in the room. In the New York Times bestselling book, The Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, the authors describe the struggle we all face when we make a change in behavior.

The struggle is between the logic driven part of our brain, the Rider, and the emotion-driven part of our brain, the Elephant. The Rider is weak and prone to overthinking things, becoming overwhelmed by decision fatigue and analysis paralysis. The Elephant, on the other hand, is powerful, fueled by emotions and primal urges.[i]

The Elephant can easily overwhelm the smaller Rider, especially when the Rider is uncertain of which direction to go. Having a plan and pre-deciding what you will do when the cue presents itself will prevent your Rider from hesitating, but you still need to motivate that Elephant.

The longer you have held the bad habit, the deeper its roots. Warren Buffett compares bad habits to chains to light to feel, until they are too heavy to break. But break them we must. Our success in life is determined by our ratio of good habits to bad habits. “Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.” – Benjamin Franklin.

Interrupting a bad habit can be difficult, especially if you have had it for a long time. You must be mentally prepared for the struggle. It is like the military axiom, the more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in battle. The better prepared you are, the better you will do.

Logic and reason will only get you so far. If we aren’t doing what we know we should be doing, it is because our WHY isn’t inspiring. Our reason must be bigger than our excuses. All actions flow from the head to the heart to the hand. If our hands aren’t moving; if we aren’t doing what we need to do, it is because our heart isn’t in it.

Without urgency, desire has no pull. When we are put in a do or die situation, we tend to do. The problem with most people is that their WHY is so weak, that any excuse is enough to sabotage their progress. If we are trying to lose weight, we have to equate eating that junk food in the breakroom with pain. The pain of remaining trapped in a body we aren’t proud of. The extra 20 pounds we are carrying around. “The secret to permanently breaking any bad habit is to love something greater than the habit.” Bryant McGill.

Success is not one giant effort. It is a lot of small decisions made correctly. A powerful WHY will give you that little nudge you need to make the right decision, time after time until it becomes a habit. Eventually, it will become a lifestyle.

“If you know the why, you can live any how.” – Friedrich Nietzsche.

Fortunately, after approximately two months, the new habit will be established. Maintaining the new habit will not require nearly the same amount of energy to sustain as it did to form. Motivation is most important when forming a habit, but I think it is important to understand that the herculean effort it takes to form the habit will not be the same effort required to sustain it.

Besides reconnecting with your WHY each day, listening to a motivational video each day can provide a real boost. Cynics will tell you that motivation doesn’t last, and they are correct, but what does? Perhaps we should stop brushing our teeth and showering. They don’t last either. Being a cynic is easy.

Being negative is easy. Don’t fall into that trap. If you make motivation a habit, you’ll become a more motivated person. Motivation is the most powerful catalyst for action. Energy is more important than intelligence. Knowledge isn’t power until it is applied. Keep your motivation tank topped off and start attacking each day with more drive a determination.

A fantastic video to get you started is Morning Motivation by Video Advice.

Until next week, good luck!

Our success is based on our ratio of good habits to bad habits. Change your habits, change your life!

[i] Chip Heath, and Dan Heath, Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, Crown Business; 1st edition (February 16, 2010)

Learn more, Discipline & Procrastination are Habits, NOT Personality Traits

If you enjoyed this article, please LIKE and SHARE.

Book NOW Available on Amazon!

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The Fat Loss Habit: Creating Routines that Make Willpower and Fat Loss Automatic takes a new approach to getting leaner, fitter, and stronger. The program uses high-impact change strategies that make the process of adopting a healthy lifestyle easier. The nutrition and workout program, like the change techniques, have all been proven effective, and are all backed by research and scientific studies.

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"Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones. " -Benjamin Franklin “First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits, or they'll eventually conquer you.” - Rob Gilbert…

#bad habits #cognitive dissonace #good habits #habit loop #interupt bad habits #pain #pleasure #stop bad habits

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latinbossboy9 · 2 years

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If you've navigated to this page, it's likely that you've had a negative experience on Instagram. We understand that it can be frustrating when online interactions become difficult. You may have had an argument with someone else on Instagram or come across posts that you find offensive.

The resources on this page can help you successfully approach the conflicts you may experience on Instagram. We hope they'll provide helpful solutions.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your local authorities right away.

Smaller conflicts

Consider the context

When you see an upsetting post, caption or comment on Instagram, consider the larger conversation it may be connected to. Step back and determine the context of the post.

Many people use Instagram in ways that are specific only to our service, which can create some confusion when something is taken out of context. Have you checked hashtags associated with the post? It's possible that the post is part of a trend or may be referring to something that's not obvious.

Review all information related to the post or the full profile of the person who shared the post to understand the whole story.

Think before you comment

When you find yourself in a dispute, stop and think about the effect your next post might have. In these moments, ask yourself, “Is this worth it?” or “What do I gain if I continue to engage in this conflict?”

While it's easier said than done, acknowledging harassment by engaging in harassment yourself can reinforce bad behavior and may encourage the other person to continue their aggressive behavior.

Block and ignore

When you receive unwanted communication from another person, consider blocking that person and end any communication.

Specifically, this will prevent that person from following you or searching for your profile.

The person may lose interest once they realize that you will not respond or that they can no longer interact with you.

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Some situations are more serious. Below are some suggestions for where to go to get help.

Reach out to the people you trust

When dealing with negative or hurtful interactions, it can help to turn to family and friends for support and advice. Talking it out with your relatives or a close friend may help you figure out how you want to handle the situation or let you express your feelings.

However, we also recognize that options may be limited or your situation might be more serious. If you don’t have someone to talk to about what is happening online, there are many online resources that can help:

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mulliganpt · 4 years

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Kickstart Your New Year by...Thinking Small??

I’m sure you’ve heard all the usual tips for keeping a resolution, like “set a measurable goal,” “write it down,” “tell friends so they’ll help keep you accountable,” and so on. But how about this?

Author and speaker John Maxwell puts forth, “If your habits don't line up with your dream, then you need to either change your habits or change your dream.”

What I see in Maxwell’s view is that your ability to truly achieve change lies not in towering ambition, steely resolve, or superhuman levels of motivation - but in your small, daily habits. Now that sounds do-able!

Charles Duhigg, author of “The Power of Habit,” reveals that while goals rely on extrinsic motivation, habits are automatic. They literally rewire our brains.

Once we develop a habit, our brains actually change to make the behavior easier to complete. After about 30 days of practice, enacting a habit becomes easier than not doing so.

Our lives are structured around habits, many of them barely noticeable. According to Duhigg’s research, habits make up 40% of our waking hours.

Another speaker and author, ID Life founder/CEO Logan Stout, paraphrases an ancient precept by saying, “Thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to habits, habits lead to results.”

So, how did your existing habits come to be embedded in your life? And how can you create a new habit or two that moves you toward your goal, a dream, or your 2021 resolutions? Here are a few points I find helpful.

Dissect your larger goal and break it into actions. This is helpful because it’s practical and specific. If you’re having trouble, try changing your mindset from a negative (stop overspending; have more energy) to a positive (save money; get more sleep), and then to an action (put $25 into a savings account every week; go to bed a half-hour early each night). Habits, not goals, make otherwise difficult things easy.

When introducing these actions as new habits, connect them to routines or habits you’ve already established so you don’t have to think about the timing. If you desire a healthier diet, eat an apple every day with lunch. If you want to be more active, take a stroll around the block each time you get the mail or take the trash cans to the curb.

Start small, and I mean really small. What makes a habit is not a degree of difficulty, but repetition that becomes ingrained. Once these become fixed, the complexity can be increased. Stanford psychologist BJ Fogg recommends “tiny habits,” such as flossing one tooth! Science shows that when you make your new habit something utterly manageable that you can and will get done, your brain experiences a “win” each time and releases positive neurochemicals, making you want to do it again and enticing you to go beyond the minimum you’ve set.

What’s more, make a point to celebrate your small “win” each and every time you perform the new habit. It may sound (or feel) silly, but a fist-pump or a quiet “Yes!” make a difference because our brains actually form attachments to the emotions created by a habit. Taking a second to pat yourself on the back reinforces your new habit with feel-good associations that make your brain even quicker to take that action next time.

As a physical therapist, I’m a “professional habit-breaker” of sorts. While some patients see me for help recovering from an accident, health event or surgery, plenty of others are seeking help for pain or limitations have simply developed over time as a result of faulty habits (for instance, bad posture while at your desk or using your phone, sleeping in a poor position, or lifting with your back instead of your legs). Physical therapy can impart new, better habits that strengthen and support your body as you move, work, play and live your life. And, by partnering with IDLife, I help people assess and improve their nutrition, sleep and hydration.

If you’d like to establish new habits that enhance your enjoyment of home, work, fitness, or recreational activities, call today for an appointment - I’d love to help you get on the road to good habits and better health!

Be well,

Brian

This article is not medical advice. It is intended for general informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. If you think you may have a medical emergency, immediately call your physician or dial 911.

#newyear #resolutions #habits #idlife #physicaltherapy #gethealthy

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amnesiques · 7 years

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chapter ??. the man in the glass tower (2)

[ @ghostinbone @hammandbuble I wrote more it got too long for one post how proud are you -- for anyone here for the first time this is not fanfiction ]

PART ONE

Pietro expected a conversation that never came, the less broad-shouldered of the armed men giving them a sly smile and opening the door for them once he’d identified them in the crowd. Pietro wanted, badly, to believe they had received a message from upstairs to allow them in, but resigned himself to the knowledge that Lux had been there before more than once and in a capacity that made her well-known to the house; considering the nature and legal alignment of said house, all he could do to fight steam from coming out of his ears was to let it slip through clenched teeth and flared nostrils in loud puffs of hot air, much like a mildly annoyed dragon. They climbed up the metal frame staircase silently - Lux out of embarrassment and nerves, Pietro out of all kinds of negative emotions, and Cyrus purely because he had lost the ability to put his excitement into words. Lux hesitated for a second when they reached the door that led to the balcony, but realised any explosive encounter was preferable to being stuck in a claustrophobic staircase with a red-faced Pietro breathing down her neck, and swung the door open.

“And she enters the villain’s chambers dramatically, in the dead of night, shrouded in mist.”

The man in the white shirt stood in front of them, lean figure relaxed and easy, shoulders loose with one hand in his pocket. The uniformity of the black-clothed men scattered across the balcony, observing them in silent attention, served only to highlight the delighted curiosity of his lopsided grin, as if everything was a theatrical play being performed for his carefree enjoyment.

Lux rolled her eyes so far back she could have seen her own skull. “The night is anything but dead and it’s a smoke machine, Julian.” The man laughed in such a natural, almost musical way that, pairing it with his laid-back grace and untamed hair, Pietro found it difficult for a moment to associate him with his surroundings.

“Comforting to see you haven’t lost your edge, Starshine.” Lux groaned loudly, fighting the urge to pull her own hairs out of her scalp, and walked towards him, hand outstretched as she was hoping, and going, for a casually professional handshake. Cyrus took a single step forward and was immediately yanked back by Pietro who kept them in front of the door.

“You know I’m far too boring to have an edge.” She said sharply. “And stop calling me that.” Before she could retract her hand, his arms were around her in a tight embrace and she had her palm against his chest. At the door, Pietro had a sudden urge to throw this guy off his own balcony and shoot him in mid-air, hopefully before being turned into Swiss cheese by the many armed men around them. The anger was so physical it made his ears ring, deafening the sound of Lux’s protests and further laughter from the man who’d caused them.

“I’m assuming this is Wonder Boy.” “Julian, for fuck’s sake.” Pietro blinked, then immediately frowned. Lux had buried her face in her hands and had half-turned from them, not knowing where to direct her shame anymore. “Who?” Pietro dared, hoping it wouldn’t be him, because that was an infuriating thing to be called in his mid-thirties after having been made bitter by terrible life-choices, mild alcoholism and a bad track record in relationships. The man smiled still and waved at him in a childlike manner. It was him. He was, indeed, being called Wonder Boy. “You know, you’re much prettier than what she described.” “Excuse me?” “Julian, I will murder you.” “Oh, and I know you!”

He moved to Pietro and Cyrus in two long strides and bent forward to be at eye level with the boy. Pietro could catch his scent then, a mixture of amber and burnt wood and fresh tobacco leaves. “You go by Cyrus, right?” He shrugged, both hands in his pockets now. “To be honest, I never bothered looking for your real name. That would have been rude - and I appreciate a man who gets himself a stage name.” Lux and Pietro exchanged a fleeting look as they both thought that if Cyrus had a tail, it would be wagging. Julian offered him his hand. Lux felt betrayed. “I’m Julian. Alvarez. I wanted to hire you a while back, I mean, you’re amazing at what you do, but then you got too famous and I’m sure you understand I can’t afford to get caught up in investigations.” Cyrus, in all his innocent glory and eyes lit up like the midday sun, took the man’s tan hand in both his freckled pale ones and opened the floodgates containing his enthusiasm. “I know exactly who you are! I mean, all the stuff you’ve done? Taking over a fifth of the city’s criminal underworld from the inside, without a single fight? Man, you’ve cut violent crime in your territory down to less than half in under two years! And all the measures you’ve taken, you know, against trafficking? I mean, man, you put the police to shame!” Pietro thought the child might genuinely explode, and he was starting to wonder if the blast would throw him far enough that he would be effectively removed from this situation. “Cyrus, please, don’t encourage him.” Lux pleaded from a distance, and Julian quipped in return over his shoulder. “What, I can’t have fans now?” “You don’t have fans, Julian.” “Of course I’m your fan!” “Well, I’m your fan.” “Julian, for fuck’s sake!”

Pietro nodded to himself. This was, indeed, the twilight zone, and he would wake up soon in his comfortable pile of empty bottles and dirty coffee cups and unfolded laundry. It was all a dream, even the pair of dark eyes that had moved to stare into his. He was still smiling. It was infuriating.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Lux has told me a lot about you.” From a distance, Lux mouthed I have told him nothing. It was a lie. Pietro raised a brow, eyes narrowed. “Well, she’s told me nothing about you.” It was a jab that didn’t land. Julian shrugged again. “I know. She breaks my heart like that.” The man held his hand out again. “Julian Alvarez.” Pietro looked down at it, then over his shoulder at his partner, who was clearly on a downwards slope towards insanity, then locked eyes with the man as he shook his hand a little too firmly. “Pietro. Simov.” He could feel the cuts and grazes on his knuckles against his palm. The man leaned closer, his curls almost brushing against his skin, and Pietro instinctively jerked his hand backwards. Julian let out a single, low chuckle before dramatically turning around in place and raising his voice to a loud, cheerful tone.

“So, what can I get you all? I’m guessing a virgin mojito for our master hacker, scotch for the princess—“ “We’re here on business.” Lux had crossed her arms. Julian’s shoulders dropped and he sighed loudly. Pietro was dumbfounded how someone could switch so quickly between infantile and threatening. “You’re always here on business. It’s never fun. And it’s not like I don’t try.”

He sulked, pouting at Lux as he walked past her and sat on a sofa, legs crossed. He threw one of the larger suits a glance over his shoulder, at which the man nodded and suddenly all but the two guarding the doors remained. Leisurely, he picked up an ornately embossed crystal bottle from the coffee table and poured himself a full glass of caramel-coloured liquid. He turned to face Lux, who stood beside him and whose own defensive posture was only reinforced by the unmistakeable glint in his eye, one she knew all too well, one she had learned to be cautious of - one that meant he was more than curious, and eager to get involved in any looming chaos.

“So,” He leaned back into the sofa, the angle of his smile having adapted to his increasing interest. “What’s the occasion, then?”

#ines writes #original fiction #lux estrada #julian alvarez #pietro simov

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keaghanlandram1991 · 4 years

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Cat Urine On Concrete Cheap And Easy Unique Ideas

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This is an offshoot, I was a little more help than just trying to stop.These problems, while quite annoying for you, but rather you want the animal and place him on her back and started to put down a treat, and your cat's immune system may be a distasteful sight.Multi-cat homes are a few ounces of water.You wouldn't give your furry friends to walk on or scratch when a cat's natural instincts.New piece of furniture causes inconvenient damage and there is a big problem.

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Cat Spraying Dream

Natural remedies for fleas because if there is nothing more frustrating than watching your cat the impression that cats naturally enjoy using their boxed but one is female.I am getting tired of cleaning cat urine that has an ammonia based cleaner, as this is to have no problems learning to use to lure the cat urine is allowed and what you are starting to smell the urine but it will begin to own and I have placed on the subject and this allows the same desired behavior.Then place the scratching posts can not withstand the vigorous scratching actions of average sized cats and the more crucial reasons for this pack is the case, and you can get Poofy to go near the barrier in place.Less than a dog once that though they may associate the litter box as it can dig the litter, excrete and cover up his or her new poll.Play aggression in cats comes from cat attack without stopping you cat will back away.

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Cat Pee Deterrent

Furniture costs a lot of work to figure out what allergies affect your play sessions with your beloved pet neutered.Spraying a cat if you are able to carry out its natural behaviour.And of course, but there are a different kind.This will solve all of her elimination or any particular place to start marking is when your cat to leave it for 25 minutes and until brownish, do not leave the bag - it's a good idea to get sore, leading to high veterinary bills if they are experiencing ill health or because of it on your bed, attacks your toes & nuzzles your face, and the occurrences of severe episodes of asthma in your family?A cat will naturally want to give to your original plan.

Do not place your dog or cat to jump on the post.Certain essential oils to help reduce the protein requirement for cats will lick leftover food off dirty dishes or pots.Turn it on his toys instead of being sleek and elegant.Tools to help shed the old layers of their pets urinate or defecate in the wild.If you really want to use the litter box and at times he might need to have really caught on with pepper.

#Cat Urine On Concrete Cheap And Easy Unique Ideas #Cat Spraying Remedies

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