#i am sorry i wrote an essay

[janearts]

okay but what is the state of astarion's kidneys? what has roisia observed in regards to astarion's kidneys? i must now know!

[Anon is referencing this post.]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Who knows? Roisia's observations below the read-more.

[Just a wee reminder that I'm not a medical professional. Take everything I say below with a grain of salt as I am just as likely to be flat out wrong. I also want to acknowledge that I'm mixing in some stereotypical vampire traits with what we can figure out about vampires in BG3.]

Roisia believes that Astarion has a partially functioning cardiovascular system. That is to say, he certainly contains blood. He bruises and he bleeds. He can even perish from exsanguination himself. He can experience erections (presumably, anyway). Why he doesn't have a heartbeat is beyond her. Does his blood just sit stagnant in his arteries and veins? What the hell is going on in there?

In the living, kidneys form a pivotal function: they filter the waste (urea) in your blood and create urine to be expelled from the body via the bladder. They also perform a critical function by regulating the blood in your body (volume, pressure, acidity, etc.).

So Roisia knows, for example, that the average medium-sized humanoid has roughly 5 litres of blood in them. The kidneys make sure you stay at whatever level is natural for you, because excessive fluid will increase the pressure on your arterial walls. So the question for Roisia becomes: if Astarion drinks blood to excess, would he experience hypertension or bloating? Or perhaps both? Or maybe neither?

In some form or fashion, the waste that Astarion intakes (e.g., if you're into the vampire version of menstruation sexy times, if he drinks from Roisia's external jugular, etc.) or generates through his own bodily functions needs to be expelled. Does he piss it out? Does he sweat it out? Does he vomit it out? Does it misty escape out of his body while he rests?

The answer could simply be: the waste is magicked out of his body and that's that. If Roisia knew that Astarion urinates, then she would assume his kidney is probably functioning to some degree. If his urinary system is non-functioning, then she would be curious as to how the critical functions mentioned above are managed or if they're even necessary at all for the undead.

TL;DR: Roisia would likely have some sort of idea, but I (IRL) don't have the information I feel I need to even hazard a guess. And I must say questions like this would make Roisia want so very, very badly to take a peek at his insides or at the insides of any vampire or vampire spawn. She is not a Dark Urge character, but that is her dark urge born from an insatiable curiosity to figure out how people—living, dead, or undead—work.

Bonus Points:

Roisia would answer her own questions above with the following theories:

Digestive system could be partially functional if the blood that is consumed is sent to the stomach and then absorbed in whole or in part through the digestive process.

Respiratory system is also likely partially functional. I.e., Astarion can use his lungs (to speak or sigh, for example), but neither a vampire nor a vampire spawn requires air.

Endocrine system is likely no longer functional. (This is my own headcanon so Roisia doesn't have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy.) She knows that the endocrine systems of a Vampire lord are likely somewhat functional due to the existence of Dhampyr. His colder body temperature could be the result of the lack of function of the hypothalamus.

Integumentary system is likely functional to a certain degree. E.g., vampires and vampire spawn are naturally regenerative, but if you were to shave Astarion bald, would his hair grow back to the way it was prior to his death? Skin also helps with temperature regulation and provides a barrier from UV radiation, so it may not be fully functional if his body is a colder temperature and is extremely sensitive to sunlight. (Are his melanocytes dysfunctional or dead?)

Lymphatic system is likely functional to some degree. This would assist the blood consumption + waste removal processes, presumably. It's a bit of a stretch, but since Astarion can experience a diseased condition type (e.g., Flesh Rot, Contagion), perhaps surviving that (after 25 turns) could be spun as an indication of a non-magical immune response?

[rpgchoices]

tw for abuse

So I tried to break up with Wyll and refuse his romantic dance and ask him about the tadpole, but why is the game SO CRUEL WITH ASTARION?

Like, if you want him to use the astral tadpole he straight up says no, So you can have a wisdom or intimidation check (if you fail them he is going to break up with you and be so mad).

But basically the wisdom check is trying to use one of his old memories (the worst possible memory) against him to remind him he is too weak, and he needs power if he wants to stay safe.

The intimidation is literally using his self hatred against him. If you play with the vampire lord ending you can break up with him and tell him you preferred him as he was, and he is shocked because he was "pathetic"

The thing is, to soften him/get the good ending (chosen by him without persuation checks) I think you need him to accept that he is who he is, and he is okay as he is. Coincidentially, trying to talk him out of the Cazador ritual is so insightful, both here in the video (this is before you get attacked by the other spawns) and later (after you get attacked) you have some options/dialogues about how he is so different now, he is not like "them"/his old pathetic self anymore.

This is the other post-attack dialogue:

When I played friendship Astarion, the most interesting part post ritual was the dev literally spells it out:

In the crypt you also find a book about Cazador's master and the rules he made for Cazador, and the abuse Cazador suffered before killing his master in revenge.

And of course:

[yuri-is-online]

I can get why yutus so afraid of azul. He's heard a hundred stories about a suave, smug, but clingy octopus and then he meets him and hes this possessive little swinderler who's trying to get him to sell his soul to him and fuck his parent lmao

referencing the tags on this ask about this au

Tako Yutu didn't have the easiest time as a kid.

He was a chubby little thing raised by a single parent who didn't have the clearest memories of his father, or of their past at all really. I wrote Yuu and Yutu as being a sort of outcasts in the community because people thought they were strange, and were skeptical of Yuu's amnesia. Azul! Yutu was really bothered by that, much like his dad he got bullied and sought solace in books, but unlike him Yuu decided to enroll Yutu in some martial arts classes and hey. He was pretty good at those, his submission holds are real bad news, even won him some competitions. But he's not some muscle head even if he sort of looks like one (he didn't really drop his baby weight so much as he did bulk up) so when he gets his first real look at his father... everything in him is screaming that this guy is sketchy. He knows that Azul and the twins are watching him even if he can't see it outright and to make matters worse, when he asks his parent about him they make a face. A face Yutu knows well that he thought was reserved for the annoying nosy couple who lived next door to you and not his father. His father who Yuu's few memories had made sound wonderful; his father who was supposedly talented and hard working, smart and proud of it, but so desperately in love with his parent they still longed for him with broken memories in a completely different world. His father who Yuu had said he was so much like.

"He's not a bad guy." Yuu says and Grim huffs.

"Don't listen to them Henchuman 2." Yutu has no idea how he feels about Grim calling him that. "Azul's reeeeeeeal bad news. If he's interested in ya' it can only mean one thing, he's after your tuna and he's after your magic."

"That's two things." A smooth voice says at the same time he does and for once, Yutu sees surprise on Azul's face when he tries to make eye contact and not carefully calculated confidence.

"Well they do say great minds think alike." His father says and extends a hand. "But I must say you didn't strike me as the shy type, it is Yutu right?" The way he says it, the way he shakes his hand, Yutu knows he at least suspects him. So he smiles and makes sure to make his handshake just a touch too firm when he responds.

"That's right." Yutu is impressed that Azul doesn't flinch even slightly when he pulls back his hand, if anything his little action makes his smile wider. "And not so much shy as just curious and knowing better than to poke my nose where it doesn't belong."

"Not until you've asked anyway." Azul really isn't content with letting him remain ambiguous, he thinks nervously glancing back to Yuu. "But still there really is no need to bother the prefect over such trivial things, if you have questions about me you can just pay me a visit at the Mostro Lounge. My door is always open to poor unfortunate souls such as yourself." Azul smiles at him and adjusts his glasses and Yutu is... impressed even if the thought of being alone with this man terrifies him. But he's going to have to be eventually, Azul really wants to talk to him for some reason and Yutu finds himself wondering if he's going to find it possible to lie, or just what price he will be expected to pay to have the privilege of keeping his secrets.

But when he looks at the way Azul talks to Yuu... he isn't sure if he likes it but he does find it funny. Azul is so horrendously down bad and Yuu is so unaware of it (there's a part of him that thinks Azul might be a little bit jealous of him which he finds really funny). And Yutu understands why Yuu likes Azul so much. He is everything they remembered him being: smart, ambitious, and motivated. It makes him a little more secure in his existence even if he doubts that Azul will like having a son like him. But that's ok too because a son like him is exactly what's needed to make sure his parents get to stay together in this timeline.

now if only he can convince him to stop bugging him for his real name

[is-it-bussin-hannibal]

okay so,, I don't know if i have it in me to write a whole fic, but i needed to get this slightly dark Paul out of my head

Paul is married off to Feyd the second Feyd is of age (which avoids the attack on Arrakis yadayada as Feyd, alongside Paul, will inherent Arrakis, everybody wins). At first, obviously, the boys don't like each other very much, they're two teenagers, but they're also of noble birth, it's their duty, and Paul is bene gesserit, his whims have no place here. Feyd tends to ignore his husband most of the time, but he sleeps in the same bed, sometimes he'll stay in their rooms while Paul read or draws, somethings he really just stays there, quiet, sometimes he will engage in an activity of his own, they're practically parallel playing, sometimes he'll excise, and Paul will quietly join him. Paul knows he could seduce him, but there's just something about Feyd, how he avoids physical contact, how he'll move an inch away when approached, he's very mistrustful, and Paul respects that. It only infuriated him a "bit" when he found out Lady Fenring seduced his husband, and he knew why. Still, Feyd willingly spends time around him, and he doesn't do that to anyone else, and that means something.

Living in Geidi Prime proves to be a chore, it's harsh and cold and empty. Paul has observing as his form of distraction, right away he understands the power balance here, he understands why things happen the way they do, he sees the Baron for what he is, he also starts to understands Feyd the longer he stays with him. Paul never had anyone his age around, granted, but he also never had anyone match his wits, and he's delighted with how smart Feyd is. From what he learned with the bene gesserit, his husband was a animal, aggressive and not particularly intelligent, like his brother but stronger, he thought his marriage would be just taming a beast, like he was trained to do, dull and uncomfortable. But oh, what a delicious surprise!! Feyd managed to deceive the witches, made this mask of a monster, but of course, no one can get close enough to see through it. Paul does, like a bad dog, Feyd-Rautha bites when threatened. And soon Paul realizes, that everything here is a threat to Feyd, and has been since he can remember, the biggest threat? the Baron. He feels sorry for his husband, but he knows that would not please Feyd, and Feyd made the effort to be around him, because for some reason, he decided to stay with him for life and not just, kill him, and he's happy with that, so he does his best to show Feyd what a family is, because now they're family.

Paul sets for old fashioned childlike friend making instead of bene gesserit seduction. He talks to Feyd, even though Feyd does not respond, tell him things, sometimes random things, sometimes important things about himself, just to make conversation, to guide Feyd. The Na-Baron is very confused at first, but he listens, Paul urges him to speak too, he doesn't really knows what to say, but in time, he starts making comments about things here and there, like he's seen Paul do, which seems to please Paul. They create a routine. He annoys Feyd enough that the older has no option but let him do whatever he wants, and what he wants? to know Feyd, to be his friend. Feyd is not really familiar with the concept, he has his pets of course, but they're just one of the twisted mentat's failed experiments. The girls are beautiful but with the intelligence of a doberman. They were given to him as mock, but his pets suppressed expectations in his hands. Paul doesn't mind them at first, they scare him but it's nothing he can't deal with. He knows Feyd loves them, he usually doesn't show soft emotions, not here, never here, but Paul just knows, he can feel it. So he approaches the girls, he has heard all kinds of horrible things about the Na-Baron's harem of cannibals, but that's just what they are. They were born cannibals, they need human meat, Feyd is a gladiator, he keeps the girls fed, nothing else. For the world it looks sadistic and evil, adding to Feyd-Rautha's lore, from up close, it's really what Feyd can show of compassion. Gretel, Mischa and Niobe, they can't talk, but they're smart, Paul teaches them some sign language. Feyd is more than impressed, the girls usually don't let themselves be approached by strangers, but Paul won them over, especially Niobe, she's the one more taken by his little husband, follows him around and is eager to communicate, even started to sleep by his bed. Feyd asks to learn sign language too, of course, he also wants to communicate better with the girls. Paul can explode with happiness, something else to bond over!!! They're already have fighting, flying and Paul noticed the dedication Feyd has with his looks and decides to match him. It takes hard work, but Feyd starts to relax around Paul. He also understands Paul is his equal, just as intelligent, just as resilient, he can see Paul and Paul can see him. He's still hesitant, like a wild animal who was kept in a cage too long, but he's getting there and that's okay for Paul, he'll teach his husband, feelings are hard and Feyd never learned to deal with them besides bottling them up and attacking first, but now Paul is here, they are friends.

Enough spice in the food has enhanced his perception, he noted, and easily enough, he knows who he is, what he is, not just a Harkonnen by marriage but by blood. He can feel it now, in the back of his conscience, that thing that have always flown through his blood but he could never name it, hedonism. His sheltered, kinda repressed, life in Caladan makes him a little angry, all he has been denied and for what?. The Baron obviously takes a like for him, and he understands why, he also understands why Feyd seems uncomfortable, almost disgusted with it, and he too, feels a little thrown off by it, but he's bene gesserit, he uses it.

No reason to tiptoe aroud it, Paul calls him grandpa, which just makes the Baron happier with him. He stays at the Baron's side, sits with him in his floating device, talks about whatever the Baron wants, let's his thick hands linger, he gains advantages over the fat man. Soon enough, he's included in the important conversations. Even though the old man is a disgusting creature, Paul sees he's also very intelligent, and even learns a thing or two from the Baron. His grandfather is more than happy to dress him up in the most expensive fabrics, parade him around like a trophy, and Paul does the Baron's biding because yes, he's the most disgusting man in the galaxy but boy, he sure knows what he's doing, and he's got to make the most out of his situation. He knows his family would be outraged to see the Duke's son like this, in the Baron's lap, laughing, clinging to him, whispering in his ear a thing or two he noticed about the nobles around them. But Paul is not just the Duke's son, he's bene gesserit, he has the power here, he's a mentat, he's doing this for the advantages, he's Harkonnen, he's doing this because he can, because it's his birthright.

Paul noticed how Feyd would tense up in the Baron's presence, how he hated to be touched by anyone but held very still anytime it was necessary, he noticed Feyd would cover his body head to toe when he had the choice, only socially he would be showing skin, enchanting everyone around him like a good showman, and Paul knew he hated it, he knew he was doing what he was taught to do, to be a good boy and entertain. Maybe after a while he ever got a taste for that, not enough to enjoy having skin showing around the Baron, but enough to do it effortlessly.

After so much time around the Baron, Paul learned he did, in fact, have strong Harkonnen blood running through his veins. He enjoys power, he enjoys lavishness, he is very much a hedonist. The bene gesserit training served him well, but he saw through them now, he would not do their bidding, especially after learning what they did to Feyd, setting a trigger word that would render him paralyzed, "for safety" they said, it makes his blood boil. Taking away Feyd's agency, making him vulnerable, he knows those are Feyd's biggest fears, oh how he would snap those witches necks with his bare hands, maybe he will if they ever get too close to his husband. Let them think he tamed the beast, let them think of him as a beast, that keeps him safe, and Paul learned from Feyd, add fuel to the fire if it's working for you.

His training from his old masters also served him well, but now that his grandfather included him in real talks about the imperium he knows there's no such thing as morally better or whatnot, if anything, his father was not very smart, leading with his heart and training with repression. He loves his family dearly, but the world is so much bigger now, and out of everyone, is the Baron teaching him. His sees now, his mother is a Harkonnen like any other, hungry for power, he cannot see how love would blind such a powerful woman, that's why she defied the sisterhood, why she tried to make him a boy, the one. He wonders how different things would be if she had been raised by her father, maybe she would be like himself now.

Like the Baron, he thought of Feyd as "his", differently from the Baron, he would NEVER hurt him, and that's how he distance himself from that man, he can not stand the thought of Feyd being hurt, and he will do whatever it takes to protect his husband, his friend. He knows Feyd initially was angry at him for this behavior, withdrawing from him, he couldn't understand why Paul would let the Baron touch him, knowing what he knew, knowing what he did to Feyd, how could he be fine with that, was he that much like his grandfather? it was revolting to him. And at first, Feyd thought his husband was stealing his thunder, then, he thought his husband was giving himself for free. It took a while for Feyd to realized that with Paul gliding around the room in his pretty, expensive clothes the Baron chose for him, nobody, especially the Baron, minded him. He could wear the clothes he was comfortable with, no one cared, he didn't need to say a word to anyone, all eyes were on Paul, the sweet, pretty grandson of the Baron Harkonnen. He felt it, Paul was doing this for him, no one was going to touch him, no one was going to be all over him, he wasn't going to be forced to perform, the Baron would not hurt him, not under the little witch boy's spell. Paul was also safe from the people around them, Feyd was a plaything until he started to bite back, but no one would touch the Baron's arm candy, the Baron's only grandson. Feyd is as close to free as he could ever be, thanks to Paul, he almost can't keep it in his chest, the dukling likes him so much he is willingly at the Baron's side, knowing that his family will not be happy with that. No one had ever protected Feyd before, maybe his mother once, but he couldn't really remember. And like that, he trusts Paul, and maybe that's what love feels like. Paul knows what loves is, he was loved from his first breath, and when he sees it in the Na-Baron's eyes, directed at him, he feels complete.

In the early days of their marriage, when Feyd was very skittish around him, and would not touch him, Paul thought of many things, maybe the Na-Baron didn't find him attractive? or maybe he was repulsed by sex altogether, odd, considering what he learned about Geidi Prime and Harkonnen culture. Maybe he was impotent? no, the sisters would've told him that, they wouldn't jeopardize the way for an heir. That wouldn't do, they needed an heir to secure this union and Feyd unwillingness to touch him as unbecoming.

One day, during their training session, Paul was wearing a short blouse that would ride up with every move, he caught the older boy's eyes lingering on his frame, he said nothing, Feyd also said nothing. Then Paul noticed his struggle to move, the Na-Baron's pants had become tight, the duckling smiled to himself, so he was attracted to him after all, and he clearly could get it up, so what was the issue?. One day, Paul used the Voice on Feyd, they were wrestling, he thought it would be funny to get the upper hand like that, and a good way to let Feyd know of his abilities. He was wrong, Feyd moved so fast way from him, it was as if he used the Voice to tell him that and not "down". He looked terrified for a moment before he caught himself, still away from Paul as he got up. Paul felt so bad, he understood why Feyd was terrified, Feyd hated not having control over his own body, more than hate, he feared that. Paul explaind he only wanted Feyd to know he could do it, told him he would NEVER use the Voice on him again, apologized profoundly. Feyd acknowledged his explanation but was very surprised by the apology, he liked it, Paul could tell. He decided to show what a pinky promise was, and made a promise with Feyd. Feyd-Rautha was quite happy with that.

They had become more comfortable with each other over the weeks, they held hands and hug every once in a while. Paul would have vison nightmares sometimes, other times Feyd would have nightmares, after calming down they would just hug until they fell asleep again, Feyd was getting found of hugs. Paul even got a kiss! the only other time they kissed was at their wedding and Feyd did as fast as he could.

One day, while they were laying in bed, just enjoying the other's company, Feyd asked, out of nowhere, if he would use the Voice on someone else. Paul took a while to respond that yes, if he needed, he would, he saw something shine in Feyd's eyes, he couldn't tell-- "you're very powerful" Feyd said, not blinking, looking directly at him, breathing heavily, and oh, that's it, Feyd is not only attracted to him, he's also attracted to power. Paul then decided to show how much he appreciated his husband by giving him power over himself. Feyd, unlike him, was experienced, forced to perform, then acquired a taste for it, for taking back. Paul knew what he was taught as a bene gesserit and what his grandfather had shown him in filmbooks but nothing felt like giving in to Feyd, not having to be the one in control all the time, just letting go, he trusted Feyd, knew he would never hurt him, and Feyd trusted Paul to never force him to do anything. They were a united front now.

[horsemeatluvr23]

etho doodle!!!!! this one is late because i was having an identity crisis and thinking about moving to lebanon. anyways the necklace is bdubs missing tooth from secret life <3

[angelsdean]

I Saw the TV Glow -- and it showed me Destiel parallels

It's been days and I still cannot stop thinking about I Saw the TV Glow. I keep rotating thoughts of it in comparison to SPN in my mind, but not in the obvious way of their lives essentially being a TV show / god's favorite show, because in SPN there isn't a split sense of reality. The TV show IS their lives, but they are not separate from themselves, looking in on their true selves. And unlike in the film, the TV show aspect of their lives is the falsehood, what we see of SPN as audience members is heavily filtered and censored, ghostfacers effect, etc, and their true reality exists beneath the show itself. While in the film the "real world" is the falsehood and the TV show is their true reality and true selves.

But anyway, what I keep rotating around, the parallels that keep gripping me, revolve around Cas and Heaven's manipulations and use of brainwashing, simulation, and illusions. Cas and Owen parallel in the sense that they are continuously both kept from knowing their True Feelings, and then their best friend helps them unlock those feelings / the Truth.

Owen, as a child, is kept from watching The Pink Opaque because it has the power to unlock the truth about his identity. He is then introduced to The Pink Opaque by his later-friend, Maddy. This begins to unlock feelings in him that he doesn't quite understand yet or have a name for. When the truth about the show is revealed to him and he unlocks those memories of his past and his true self he is then taken by a parent to have the memories purged as he screams (hello Naomi lobotomies).

Similarly, Cas has been kept from remembering his feelings toward humanity. He has always been the broken angel, the one with a crack in his chassis (and hello the imagery at the end of the film of Owen cracking himself open and letting the light spill out!) When Cas declares, "For the first time, I feel" this isn't necessarily a true statement. This is not the first time he has felt emotions for humanity, it is not the first time he has contemplated rebellion or had doubts, or had feelings period. We learn later that Cas has always had this rebellious streak and has been the subject of routine lobotomies his whole life. He was made to forget. Made to forget his past, his true rebellious self, the fact that he is capable of free will. But Dean becomes his link and anchor to humanity, and through Dean Cas rediscovers his feelings and his identity. Dean also introduces him to the world of humanity in a real way, rather than how Cas has been experiencing it for billions of years, detached as a mere spectator. Dean therefore presents both Maddy and the show The Pink Opaque itself. It's also significant to me that much of Dean and Cas's relationship revolves around Dean teaching him pop culture things. Cas doesn't get the reference. Dean holds the keys to pop culture knowledge and educates Cas, much like how Maddy introduces Owen to The Pink Opaque. Dean and Cas also spend a lot of time off camera watching TV together. Dean shows him Tombstone. They have weekly family movie nights where they are all subjected to The Lost Boys up to 36 times (and counting!).

While what Maddy helps Owen unlock is his own feelings about his gender and identity, Dean helps unlock Cas's very human feelings, his sexuality, and remind him of his own free will and rebellious nature. Through Dean, Cas comes to love and care about humanity deeper than he has before, but he always had the capacity for this love, he was simply made to forget and kept from connecting to humanity on this deeper level.

Then there are the parallels within The Pink Opaque. Tara (Maddy, Dean) and Isabel (Owen, Cas) share a profound kind of bond. They are linked, psychically and must fight "the man in the moon", Mr. Melancholy, who sends supernatural threats to their world to wreak havoc and suffering. His ultimate goal is to trap them in the "Midnight Realm" where they are asleep and suffocating, unaware of their true selves (the world Maddy and Owen live in). I see both parallels to Chuck and the Empty in Mr. Melancholy. As Mr. Melancholy despises Tara and Isabel for the power of their connection, Chuck too despises Dean and Cas's connection and love, which proves to be the one thing he can't control, the two of them thwarting his plans from the start. The Empty also has it out for them, specifically Cas, who she wishes to put to sleep forever in punishment for disrupting her world. The Empty is a place of eternal sleep and darkness, where you are left to dream forever, which is reminiscent of the Midnight Realm. (I am also thinking about the finale and Fake Heaven and Chuck Won Theories and Heaven being a part of Destiel's Midnight Realm. Dean locked away in Heaven, Cas locked away in the Empty--until I SEE Cas I will always be skeptical about him being "out" of the Empty--both separated from each other, unable to reconnect because together they are a threat to Chuck, just how Tara and Isabel are separated and put in graves to suffocate to prevent them from defeating Mr. Melancholy.

Finally, thinking about a few other symbols and imagery from the film. Such as how in order to be "lulled" to sleep in the Midnight Realm one of the first steps is to cut out the victim's heart. The person is still alive, but this integral part of them is missing and they are weaker without it. It reminds me of Cas having his grace forcefully cut out by Metatron and being cast down to Earth, forced to live without a piece of himself, a part of him that is so tied to his identity. I am also thinking about Dean's heart repeatedly being threatened throughout the series. Billie targeting his heart. Dean symbolically losing his heart when Cas is taken by the Empty. Dean left to go on without Cas, losing hope without his heart, suffocating and ending up dead and in a fake world (Heaven).

Another image that stuck with me and immediately reminded me of Cas is at the end of the film when Owen cracks himself open and finally acknowledges the truths about himself he's been repressing and ignoring his whole life; he looks into the mirror and smiles. He experiences a moment of joy and peace. The expression reminds me of Cas standing beatific after his declaration of love. The light shining on his face, his moment of truth, this moment where he gives himself permission to be happy and acknowledge these feelings. However, for Owen this is a hopeful first step, for Cas it is seemingly the end of his story. But! There Is Still Time. For Cas and Dean. For Owen. For all of us.

[Disclaimer: I am very aware of the trans metaphor of the film and the fact that Owen is Isabel, and I do view Owen as trans. For the purposes of this post I am using the pronouns (he/him) that are used for Owen throughout the film and by the actors and director when speaking about Owen's scenes. I debated over this a lot, but since the director themself has used he/him pronouns for Owen when discussing the film and no other preferred pronouns are used or stated by Owen in the film I feel this makes the most sense for the sake of this post. I mean absolutely no disrespect.]

[shirozora-draws]

Listen.

I can explain. I saw a Tumblr post about shoulder kisses a month ago if the time stamp on my Discord messages are anything to go by. Then I saw a very evocative quote tweet about eroticism. And I, uh, I was feeling really spiteful. If you know, you know.

Anyway, I lost two days of writing and a lot of sleep to this. Rip my fucking sanity.

[petit-papillion]

I can't help but play devil's advocate in my head whenever I see those Charles stats because yes, he's absolutely incredible, alongside the greats, but I imagine all the anti-Charles comments coming in going, "well front row starts aren't wins, so it's a useless stat".

And I started thinking, when has Carlos ever had a seemingly 'useless' stat that was positive about his results? Did he have a streak of consistency? Because I can't think of any.

Charles might have a lot of front row, pole positions, top 5 stats that people undermine, but it's a hell of a lot more than what the other drivers on the grid have. He's undeniably one of the most talented drivers.

Sure, I see where people are coming from when they say useless stats, points are earned in the race, etc. But if they're calling him out for being inconsistent: qualifying front row 7x in a row is a stat showing them the opposite. Unfortunately, I think he's made it look easy, and people just can't accept that he is working miracles in cars that don't necessarily have that pace over 50-60 laps.

And if Charles doesn't put it on pole/front row, he gets team orders to sit back during the race and not overtake (even if he has better race pace), and then he is called out for not being aggressive enough, and Ferrari firing the wrong driver, etc., etc. Mind you, when he did try to pass Carlos in Monza, people were also up in arms calling him too agggressive and risking both cars getting taken out, so he can't please people no matter what he does.

Here are just some of the things I've seen people spout recently:

I agree with you, Anon, Charles is incredibly talented, and despite some abysmal years at Ferrari under Binotto, he has achieved more than most of his peers on the grid. However, I think the expectations of Charles are extremely high, especially being a Ferrari driver. And unless we were able to compare each F1 driver's abilities to one another with all of them driving the same car, there will always be "but's". "But Alex cannot possibly win in a Williams." "But the McLaren is not as fast as the Ferrari." "But George could win as much as Max if he was in a Red Bull." Etc.

And despite him easily outperforming so many of the drivers he competed with before coming to F1, I think Charles is always going to be compared to Max. Who is also undeniably talented, but who also had a very driven dad who pushed him to train incredibly hard, who had connections & funds, plus F1 insider knowledge, all allowing Max to jump ahead and gain way more experience at a lot faster rate than his peers. And when Max is considered the standard Charles has to live up to, even getting P2 in WDC still gets you called "overrated" and "a mid-level driver".

[shawolsos]

I feel like the best way to like explain what I think is the key difference between Charlie and Way is that if they were songs from musicals, Charlie would be Never Ever Getting Rid of Me from 'Waitress' whereas Way would be Meant to Be Yours From 'Heathers', because even though both showcase a kind of unhealthy obsession with the girls that the guys singing them are into, the number from 'Waitress' clearly has only wholesome and well-meant intentions even if the message is still a bit intense because we see that it does evolve into something reciprocated and healthy, whereas the number from 'Heathers' depicts an obviously malicious and dangerous one-sided obsession, even if the relationship initially began with some semblance of health and communication.

[homoeroticgrappling]

What are your top 5 favorite hey! Ew interviews? Who would you like to see her interviewed?

As someone who has rewatched the entirety of hey!EW twice in the past week or so, I feel qualified to answer this and will happily go into what is probably more detail than you wanted

Did Danhausen Ruin It All Before It Even Gets Started?

Bryan Danielson Defends His Life Choices

The Dark Order Reveals Their Darkest Secrets

Best Friends Show Some Leg

Abadon Speaks?!

1. Love That Danhausen of course (the ongoing bit of Danhausen ruining Christmas is also great) but it being the first episode really set the tone for the "herding cats" vibe of RJ attempting to keep everything under control to ask questions with varying degrees of success that has become the trademark of Hey!EW

2. Listening to an internationally revered wrestler talk about flaccid penises and quoting Bloodhound Gang is my idea of a good time, and the delivery of RJ asking "have you ever fucked a vegetable" cracks me up

3. The balance between bringing up interesting questions and throwing in fun shenanigans is so perfect in the Dark Order episode, the "guys, am I... Egotistical?" "you're kind of a douchebag" "I'm a dₒᵤcₕₑbₐg?!" exchange has Always Sunny energy in the best way

4. Genuinely a great little crash course if you don't know much about Best Friends while also being funny as hell, once again a wonderful balance of genuine questions/prompts and comedic ones that shows you what Best Friends are all about

5. This episode is the spiritual successor to OC answering a question on global sea levels during the debate promo with Jericho and I love it so much. Where Hey!EW truly excels is the willingness to take an unconventional and tailored approach to an interview in ways that emphasize what makes each guest unique and allows them to shine, knowing when to stick firmly in the realm of kayfabe and when to blur that line. Using a comedic approach to handle explaining more about Abadon's identity while being totally respectful is such a cool way to educate a wider audience in a clear way with examples to help people understand, all while highlighting an underappreciated wrestler

In terms of who I'd like to see interviewed I'd love to see Iron Savages just cause I want to see the RJ City/Titty City collision, Samoa Joe would be cool as hell, getting Rey Fenix and Pac ones to go with the Penta one and complete Death Triangle would be great (ditto with the rest of the House of Black) and I am genuinely shocked the only pillar not to get an episode yet is Darby HOWEVER

#1 on my "please it'd be SO good" list is Christian Cage and The Patriarchy, there's only one person brave enough to call it like it is re: Luchasaurus being a scaly, Christian deciding he's the ultimate daddy etc and that is RJ City. I trust and believe he'd risk his life for us to ask Christian about if he and mama Wayne would accept Nigel McGuiness as their third 🙏

I love Hey!EW. Regardless of what I think going into it, every time I watch an episode I end up liking the guest more than I did before I started it because RJ has an incredible talent for bringing the best out in people and making them look good, it's my favourite way to learn more about wrestlers and I truly hope eventually the whole roster gets covered, at which point I'll happily watch follow up interviews (people change gimmicks after all, I need my Timeless Toni episode)

[cowboyskeletons]

and sparrow's son loves the world so much and loves everyone around him and how can sparrow tell him that the world is cruel? how can he tell him that love will be punished and that cruelty is the only way to survive? normal's love scares him, he loves his son so much but that love scares him. he would do and has done anything for his son but he knows that it has led to his own ruin. and he loves his son but too much love has only ever harmed him and maybe he can take a model from his own dad and multitask.

maybe he can love his son but he hates him too, hates that normal can love and hates that normal can be loved and hates that normal can be so oblivious to the cruelty around him in a way that he himself lost when the world ended. he wants his son to have everything but loathes that fact that normal'll never try. that he just accepts life as it is. the way his dad did, when sparrow saluted henry and went along with the world's end and turned a blind eye to his wife's infidelity.

he sees himself in normal, maybe. maybe he hates that. because he lost himself, that day he lost his father's care and his mother's respect, and he can't bear to see himself lost again. normal needs to be cruel because otherwise he will be crushed and sparrow can't do that again. can't let himself be crushed again.

[whereismyhat5678]

HEEEEY, PSSST!

(do you have more headcanons???)

Oh yeah *cracks knuckles*

Get ready for some PEPPINO

(OKAY IN ADVANCE- I wrote A SHIT TON below the cut, and I think because of this I have more headcannons for Peppino than Gustavo- SO PREPARE YOURSELVES- Oh! And I also added Pep and Gus mixed headcannons at the bottom so if you just wanna see those you’ll see this emoji: 💕 Alright thanks! And enjoy :00)

- I said this in a reblog-, at this point I think I hc him a lefty, I KEEP DRAWING HIM AS ONE SO FUCK IT-

- Oh sports are his life support, it’s his saving grace HE LOVES SPORTS- mainly football and soccer (he used to play soccer in middle-high school) THIS MAN SCREAMS AT THE TV “GOOOAAAAAAAAAL” WHEN SOCCER’S ON (he’s just like my dad for real- :0)

- He definitely listens to old fashioned Italian music, his mother raised him in it HE WILL DIE WITH IT IN HIS BLOOD. But he also likes other types of music (he mains Depeche Mode-)

- He has the most dankest most messed up shat up car you can ever imagine that’s STILL GOING, he treats his car like his child though, he cleans it and is EXTREMELY careful with his baby (He listens to his songs in there and bobs his head when he has a song he likes, but he looks really serious, like he’s gonna kill someone- but he’s still enjoying himself)

- I should also mention that he SUCKS at driving, man has a drivers license yet he’s dog at it?! This is also why his car is so jacked up because he kept crashing it when he was younger- I think he’s cooled down now but he still can’t park right- This is also why he rather would take his pizza delivery motorcycle or Stick just drives him (since he’s funnily enough the only good driver-)

- His house is pretty small, and a bit tight but it’s okay once you get used to it, he tries to stay organized but at times he does tend to leave clothes on the floor. Of course his garage is the cleanest thing known to man, a bunch of flags (a big ass Italian flag-) and signs that say “Man’s garage” or “Man cave”. He also has another fridge full of beers and sodas.

- Have I mentioned he likes beer?🍻

(- And when Peppino’s drunk he’s either two things, a silly drunk: he’s doing stupid shit-

….Or a flirty drunk 👀🔥)

- He still has his war gear in a closet, he keeps it for memories (the GOOD ones) and just cuz he thinks it might be important still.

- He keeps a shotgun underneath his bed (for protection of course-)

- He also has a punching bag in his basement, a big ol’ red one, and he has it there to take his anger out 🥊🔔

- I think he has a bit of anger issues, not too severe! Just that he can get mad easily if stuff just isn’t going right, which is also why he HATES The Noise and Pizza Head, they’re too chaotic for him-

- When Brick was gonna stay with them Peppino initially just wanted Brick away from him but he ended up like one of those Dads that have their pet on the couch watching TV. He also play fights with him too like: he’ll pretend to punch him or he wrestles with him for fun-

- He’s an asshole when he wants to be, one time he was eating with his friends at a McDonalds and they were getting breakfast, motherfucker ate half his friend’s hash-brown and put the half he didn’t eat outside the wrapper to make it look normal. (He did this when he was a teen but he can still be an ass like this-)

- He uses a lot of Italian hand gestures, he uses his hands A LOT he practically talks with them-

- He speaks very aggressively in Italian, the amount of times people thought he was angry and yelling at them even though he was just telling them to hand him a napkin. It’s hilarious, Gustavo is the only one to understand he’s not angry, he’s just talking- 😂

- This even applies to when he’s talking in English, HE STILL YELLS- Like his voice is a big BOOM, yeah he can calm it down but it’s still relatively loud, he’s only ever quiet when he NEEDS to be quiet-

Okay now for some Peppino and Gustavo together x] 💕💕💕

- Gustavo’s species has their own language but they can pick up on other languages pretty quickly, so when Peppino wanted to teach him Italian he started slowly and BAM 💥 not even a month passed and he’s speaking fluently! Peppino’s jaw dropped literally-

- Gus can speak his species language at times but only ever to himself.. He usually talks in English and Italian around Peppino (Gus when he’s angry talks really fast in his language, it’s best to just leave him be until he calms down…)

- They speak Italian to each other sometimes, they switch between English and Italian regularly, but they speak English mainly. They WILL however yell at each other in Italian, mostly so no one can understand their conversation if there is people around

- AND FINALLY- like I said with the Italian hand gestures, Peppino uses them A LOT, and he mainly uses them with the other Italians and Gustavo, BUT MAINLY Gustavo. He taught him every gesture in the book so Gus knows what he’s feeling just by hand gestures.

Even some…. Special ones 👀…..

OKAY THAT’S IT-

[literallys-illiteracy]

oh hey, thanks! tbh given that i'd already gone down two separate rabbit holes for both the odyssey and der freischütz shortly before magic bullet outis came out, it is genuinely fun just to talk about her. not sure what i'd request for an in-depth writeup, but given that you're really into faust, might i trouble you for your thoughts on the council of fausts, carmen-coded female characters, and the eternal feminine? i have the sliiightest inklings of a possible link along those lines, but it's been a while since i've read faust and i'm currently too deep into fighting fish (reading moby dick) to pick it up again just yet, so your opinion would be invaluable. pls don't feel pressured to do so though! i understand if there'd be too much conjecture in it to do (especially since we're still only getting crumbs abt the council of fausts as is)

also, if you're still looking for english versions of weber's der freischütz, i mostly get by via the 1961 rudolf kempe english production (libretto by edward j. dent) and a subbed version of the 1968 film, both of which can be found on youtube. the one thing i havent found yet is a translation of the original tale though, so you'd definitely know better than i would on that haha

Okay wow ive been procrastinating on this one for a while huh.

At first it was on purpose because of the implications that we would get some more information relating to the Council of Faust in the WARP event, which we did, but after that it was just because I was lazy.

As an additional note, I am currently in the process of reading “Man and His Symbols”, a book about Jungian psychology, which is the lens I personally primarily prefer to view the following concepts on. Following that on my reading list is another of Jung’s books, titled “The Psychology of the Transference”, which I have been told mentions the eternal feminine much more directly, not to mention the bakers dozen journal articles i have saved on the topic — I mention this to state that this is almost certainly not going to be my last essay regarding these topics. I already had the vague idea of connecting Carmen to the archetypes of the collective unconscious, and now I have more material to work with regarding this. Thank you Freischutz anon. - Literally's note

This is going to be the first of at the very least 3 essays on this request, just for you <3, also for my wife Carmen.

Moving on, here we go.

To begin, I want to establish what we already know, or what some reading might not already know, regarding the titular topics of this essay:

The Gesellschaft is the newly canonised name of the “Council of Faust’s” revealed in the WARP event — Gesellchaft is a German word meaning society, or a relationship/community built on non-interpersonal ties and relations.

I do not remember exactly when the theory of the council began, however at the same time I do remember more people mentioning it surrounding N corp Faust, however for reasons I will not discuss, there is reason to believe that she is not part of this society.

Carmen-Coded Characters, alongside the Eternal Feminine, are linked together with the concept of the Jungian archetypes — The Eternal Feminine is the divine, culturally transcendent, ideality of femininity. A Jungian Archetype is a similar concept, first posed by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, of the universal concepts and images which exist in humanities collective unconscious. A notable and omnipresent archetype is known as the “Anima”, which acts as the internalised, primarily unconscious, feminine traits within a man, the counterpart is known as “Animus”.

Relating back to this concept of psychology (I am so sorry, half of all the essay topics I write about circle back to this topic), the Gesellschaft may act as a literal representation of this eternal feminine, a collective trait shared across mirror worlds, a communal sisterhood of the best traits of each and every Faust.

The council acting as a mass collective, similar to a discord server, of individuals who are independent from one another, may relate back to the Anima and Animus, with the final stage often being described in the image of Sophia, a representation of divine wisdom, which is a major trait present in Geothe’s depiction of the eternal feminine through Helen.

This final manifestation of the Animus is often considered a guide of sorts, acting as a messenger, as the highest level of harmony between the conscious and unconscious mind.

The primary flaw that one may direct to this explanation is in respect to the character of Faust herself, as, as is mentioned above, the Anima and Animus are manifestations of the Feminine in man and the masculine in woman — The argument may be made that the Gesellschaft may act as the Animus, the masculine, rather than the eternal feminine as is the supposed link.

To this I pose that, though you would not be incorrect, the council itself is “Faust” as a whole, acting, in a way, as the conscious mind of the sinner, having, up until recently, been the primary decision maker. Though Faust, the sinner (God this is going to be confusing after a while if I keep writing like this), is a member of the greater “Faust”, she does not act as the primary agent of decisions — Faust, the sinner, and the greater Faust, are both representative of the Feminine in their nature.

I have also seen it posed that our sinner is in fact Gretchen, and hence is why they refer to the knowledge as “Faust’s” knowledge, however I am extremely far from convinced for this.

It is important to note that, while I do attempt to read papers and literature on these kinds of topics, I am still extremely far from an expert in this field — Though I attempt to make sure that I thoroughly understand a topic before writing about it, it is important to note that there is inevitably nuance on this topic which may be overlooked, for that I apologise.

Moving on, there is additionally a link that one may make between the ego (Freudian, not PM), the conscious mind, your “Self” focused on the current moment alongside considerations of the future, and the Gesselschaft, once again placing the greater Faust as the primary ego within Faust’s body.

This can explain the fact that Faust’s base EGO line does not change during the most recent WARP event, the statement “Faust knows all outcomes” is not referring to our Faust but rather the council, the sinner’s primary ego.

It is additionally possible that, through one means or another, it was the council of Faust’s at large which manifested the Representation Emitter EGO, however this is simple conjecture.

This is the first topic that will be discussed in this series of essays, the next will likely be the relation of the ID and the Shadow to Carmen,

also if you dont mind Freischutz anon, it would be helpful if you could elaborate on what you mean by “Carmen Coded” characters, as if you dont, I will assuredly start rambling about half related notes because I am the biggest Carmen simp. - also Literally's note

[all-thestories-aretrue]

Obligatory disclaimer: I am not that familiar with VtM 20th anniversary edition mechanics or the lore so like take some of this with a grain of salt (or several).

TDLR: Nara exploits Neil and his abilities by taking away his ability to consent by getting him high during their time in Baghdad. 

There is the obvious moral quandary of “one guy getting high is worth saving the world,” which may be true. That is not what I am here to discuss. I am much more interested in looking at Neil and Nara’s dynamic during this time and what it says about them. 

It is obvious that Neil cares for Nara; he loves her. It’s stated that he would trust her with his life, and he calls her beloved nearly every chance he gets. I do think Nara does care for Neil in some ways; I just don’t think her feelings outweigh his usefulness to her. She has many reasons to keep Neil close to her, and her care for him is just one. 

Time is running out for Nara and the Assamites; the Herald is rising, and she knows this. She also knows Neil is capable of having visions. These two facts culminate in her using Neil to get what she wants regardless of his own thoughts or feelings. In addition, I would argue that Nara is familiar with Neil on kalif, that she would know how it affects and impairs him given their relationship and proximity to one another, particularly earlier in Neil’s life. I don’t think it’s a stretch to believe she would know any potential dependencies or addictions Neil would have to the substance. 

I posit that kalif does not affect all Kindred the same, and that it has different potencies (smoking vs. ingesting kalif tainted blood) based on how Jubair and Neil both react to smoking in Neil’s solo episode. However, I do recognize that Neil has been on a steady diet of kalif (and who knows what else) for a few weeks at the time of his meeting with Jubair, and it is safe to assume he is not sober when he accepts the joint from Nara as he mentions having trouble focusing earlier in the episode.

Over the course of their conversation, we see Jubair take “a heavy hit” (PoN 1.5-Neil Foster 11:39) off of Neil’s joint, but he does not seem to have any immediate effects. He remains cognizant and able to carry on the conversation with Neil, and he is quick to respond to the attack. Whereas Neil is unable to follow the conversation and repeatedly looks to Nara for guidance since he is unable to make his own determination despite only having accepted the joint moments before Jubair is introduced. 

I also posit that kalif has addictive qualities about it. Whether this is true or not, I honestly don’t know, but there is evidence in PoN indicative that it may be addictive. When Nara offers Neil the joint, the comment is made, “If she gives it to me, I take it. It’s hard to say no” (PoN 1.5-Neil Foster 8:10). Later on, in episode 25, the coterie is hit with a kalif bomb, and Neil is described as an addict (PoN s2ep25 16:15). Though, this could have been a way to explain Neil’s mechanical failure. 

(As a note, I haven’t been able to find much online about kalif and whether or not it is addictive. The source I have read, provided by @peppedstep, compared it to weed and described it as a strong hallucinogen that is used for ritualistic magical purposes (Rites of Blood, pg,72).) 

Whether or not kalif is addictive, Nara knowingly and willingly gave Neil a substance that impairs his cognitive function and lowers his defenses to serve her own ends, and did so to “a dangerous degree” (17:40). I would also argue she would be familiar with the impact kalif and the visions may have on his mental health (panic attacks, dissociation, anxiety, etc.), and she chooses to proceed with offering the drug to him anyway without heed for his wellbeing. In this situation, Neil is incapable of giving informed consent (regarding the conversation, regarding the additional kalif, regarding his next attempt at a vision on her behalf) because he is already dangerously high or because he is addicted, or, realistically, both.  

Nara also preys on Neil’s people-pleasing tendencies and self-esteem issue, intentional or not, by commenting that his visions (and therefore, him) have not been as helpful or useful as she hoped spurring him to try for another vision and ingest more kalif. However, she is supposed to know Neil well, and that would include his inclination to people-please. He loves her deeply and wants to help her; he would not tell her no in this situation, and I believe she knows this.

I talked at length here about how I view Neil’s memory loss, which I won’t rehash, but it is worth noting much of his time with Nara during this stretch is quite hazy or he flat out doesn’t remember. The only other person who can vouch for most of this time is Nara, and she has more than enough reason to deceive, omit, or keep the truth from Neil. He has no way to tell if Nara is further exploiting or manipulating him beyond using him for his visions. If she is willing to take his ability to consent away in one circumstance, I would argue there is not much keeping her from taking it away in any other. It’s clear she does not take his needs or wellbeing into consideration with her choices.

This episode is the only interaction we see between Nara and Neil, excluding Neil’s visions. If these interactions are indicative of the baseline of their relationship, how much does she really care about Neil if she is willing to sacrifice his mental health, overall wellbeing, and ability to consent if she benefits from taking those things away? Is this same dynamic present in their intimacy? If Neil is constantly relying on her judgment because he is high and/or unable to remember, when does he have the opportunity to make his own decisions about what happens to him? What will happen when enabling his addiction is no longer beneficial for her? 

In conclusion, I think Nara is using Neil for his abilities and is exploiting him by taking away his ability to consent to what is done to him. Given this is the only canon interaction we have between the two, I wonder about the dynamic in their relationship as a whole and if it is a healthy one for Neil. It also makes me wonder in what other ways she has exploited Neil since she seems to have little regard for his needs or wellbeing.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[brown-little-robin]

hi robin :] very random but im watching craft videos while i eat dinner and it got me thinking about ur ceramics. giving u permission to ramble about the ceramics process (or literally anything abt ceramics), if you want to <3 idk anything abt ceramics like not a clue but im very curious and every time u talk abt them i stare at u w sparkly eyes (also i've recently developed a HUGE respect for all 3d arts bc holy shit making it look right at all angles ?????literally how)

👀✨‼️

Hi thank you so much!! staring at you with the same sparkly eyes,,, watching craft videos while you eat that's so cool,,, Also, weirdly enough, I have the same "how???" thoughts about doing 2d art. I have trouble conceptualizing making something look right from only 1 angle; that seems like a lot of pressure. with a sculpture, if something doesn't look right from one angle, I know there's probably some structural problem, and I turn the sculpture around a little bit and usually figure out that the problem is deeper than what I thought. I'm thinking of ears, specifically—how, often, my problem with the outlines of my ears (seen from the front) is that the back of the ear isn't full enough, I need to add clay, and just nudging the clay to fix the outline wouldn't Work. and I wouldn't have known if I couldn't turn the sculpture around. the respect and awe goes both ways

longgg ramble about the ceramics process below the cut :]

okay SO. the ceramics process, huh? Well, I mean, I'm really in love with the sculpting part, where you take wet clay and make it into an Animal with Bones And Muscles. I just love the animal form—I think in a similar way to how you love the human form and the way clothing folds. I do wheel-throwing too (I make cups, bowls, that sort of thing), but I've been sculpting since I was like 8 years old and I'm way better at sculpture. it's one of a few things in my life that I take genuine pride in. I love teaching people about sculpting, too!! nothing better than seeing someone instantly grasp the insight I spent years developing <333 ANYWAY

one thing that often surprises people about clay is that it's very... flexible, water-content-wise. clay is basically made of a bunch of small "plates" of dry material with water in between. the water makes the entire structure flexible, which is why clay shrinks and goes brittle when it dries. and clay is always drying out. small sculptures like the ones I make, especially ones with thin limbs (more surface area for the air to leech moisture out of) dry out within half an hour. I have to add water to the thin parts every so often the whole time I'm sculpting. but of course the clay has to be firm enough to hold the creature's overall shape, so it's a balance. it's always a race against time. it's super exciting. To Me, anyway

it takes a day or two for a sculpture to dry. After the sculpture dries out, that's when I paint it with my special pigments. (pigments that survive 2,000+ degrees of heat!!) Like this:

these are the same sculpture. the first picture was from right after I sculpted the wet clay; the second picture is after it got painted.

Then once a sculpture is made, it sits and dries, right? the water leaves the clay. but not ALL the water. that's why you "fire" the sculpture: you put it in a kiln and heat it up to ~1800°F. EIGHTEEN HUNDRED DEGREES. at that point, all the water boils out and the clay CHEMICALLY CHANGES. the "plates" begin to bond to each other. But they don't bond all the way in the first firing, because you want the clay to still be porous / hydrophilic. you want it to SUCK IN WATER. this is because you want GLAZE to attach to the clay.

Glaze—at least the kind of glaze that I use—is basically DIY glass. It's a lot of very fine silica (sand) with other stuff (like powdered metals) in it to give color. The sand-metal-powder is suspended in water to make it usable, and I stir up the glaze in its liquid form and dip my sculpture in it, and the super dry clay goes YAY WATERRR I'M SO THIRSTY and GRABS the glaze, and the powdery part is left on the surface of the sculpture while the water goes into the clay. it feels funny on your skin when you hold a sculpture in the glaze; you can actually feel the dry clay accepting the water. it feels like... have you ever dropped water on a bone-dry wooden board and seen the water spread out in the direction of the wood's grain? it feels like that.

the sculpture is left looking white and powdery and generally not very attractive. unfired glaze is just... thick white chalk.

THEN I fire the clay a SECOND time. The heat varies, but I always fire to at least 2,244° F. >:D >:D >:D and the sandy glaze actually MELTS INTO GLASS. and I open the kiln, which has the products of about a year or two of work in it, and I WEEP IN JOY because everything has COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED. firing is always risky. some of the sculptures always fail somehow—they break in firing for various reasons, or the glaze runs onto the shelf, or the glaze color turns out different than I thought. but some of them always come out BETTER than I imagined. and it's always a process of discovery, slowly unloading the kiln, layer by layer... the objects still warm from the heat of their firey transformation... hot enough to burn, if you're unloading before they've cooled enough, which I usually do because it's just so exciting...

and my glaze shrinks slightly more than the clay does. imagine that: a thin layer of glass shrinking more than it can take. you can actually hear it breaking. little quiet "plink! plink! plink!" as the glass shatters just a little under the stress. we call it "crazing" and it leaves little cracks in the glaze, like so:

you can also see tiny bubbles in the glaze on the rabbit's inner ear!

I just. (physically shaking) I just love ceramics so much. The sculpting part feels almost like meditation. it's almost a form of worship, for me, it's religious, it's a little version of creation, a way to look at bodies and try to express how they work. For the simple sculpture, I just make them from memory, but I work from references for my difficult sculptures—for instance, here's the little pile of images I collected to make my recent tiger:

the painting part is just plain fun, putting cool designs and stuff on a 3-d object in a low-pressure way. and then the two firings are pure magic. pure delayed gratification. it's incredible. you're telling me this thing I shaped with my mortal human fingers survives TWO THOUSAND DEGREES OF HEAT? you're telling me I get to MAKE COLORED GLASS? out of SAND and METAL? you're telling me after all that, I get to open up the kiln which has put these things through immense heat and see these beautiful objects and go I made those?????

YEAH. SCREAMS.

thanks for reading, I hope you had fun <333

[djsangos]

//who are THESE fresh squids?? (made here)

okay these guys might not get a mention on this blog for a while- if ever- so i'm gonna talk about them now bc i've been rotating them in my mind for a while

these are captain's siblings! the ones they left behind when they were 14 to run away to inkopolis. captain certainly isn't proud of leaving them behind at ALL, in fact the one thing they wish they'd done differently is taking them with them, even if it would've been damn near impossible to take care of 2 younger siblings all on their own away from home when they were already struggling to take care of themself. they have no idea how their siblings fared with their neglectful ass father after they left, but pierce (right) was only a year or 2 younger than them, so they hoped he'd be able to leave soon too- taking harper (left) with him

so yeah harper (left) i think is probably around 16 or 17 now, having been 7 or 8 when captain left. since she was pretty young she didn't really know exactly why they left, and they didn't tell her either, so i'd say she probably resents them for it. she's a hotheaded edgy teen, classic rebel, you know the deal.

and then there's pierce (right), who's around 21 or 22 now, so he would've been 12 or 13 when they left. even if they didn't say a word to him before packing their bags and hopping a train at the asscrack of dawn, he knows exactly why they did. because being a kid and not only growing up, but having to parent your 2 younger siblings in your father's place, is hard. he basically had to take on their role as caretaker of harper when they left, being the second oldest, and that's how he realized. he doesn't resent them exactly, but he does wish they'd at least said goodbye. he's an outwardly chipper guy, and puts on a brave face even at the worst of times.

and they both did eventually get out of that house- pierce didn't leave as soon as he turned 14 like captain did (though cod, he wanted to) but when harper was old enough to be left home alone he got a job and saved up what he could to get himself and his younger sister out of there. and then when harper was 12 and he was 17, he got them both out of there. they might have gone somewhere else first, but i wanna say they probably ended up in splatsville, living in an apartment together with pierce doing what he can to support harper through school, and she does some turfing herself to help with rent and save up her own money so she can get her own place eventually.

i feel like the reason they probably haven't run into captain is that captain lives in inkopolis and only really goes to splatsville to visit rookie, and the last time they saw their siblings, neither of them were fully transformed yet, and they aren't so easy to recognize anymore themself. so if they've happened to pass each other on the street, it'd take more than just a cursory glance to realize just who they're passing. so it could definitely, and likely will, happen eventually. who's to say.